God Awful Movies - 116: The Monster Project

Episode Date: November 7, 2017

This week, Eli and Noah welcome guest masochist Rebecca Vigil for a review of "The Monster Project", a found footage debacle of a film that somebody told Eli counted as a Christian movie, even though it doesn't. If you'd like to hear more from Rebecca, check her out on Twitter @Rebecca_Vigil, or find her on Instagram at: WhoIsRebeccaVigil. --- Come see us in Australia! https://www.thinkinc.org.au/skepticon-australia/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

But it is he explained yes, it's so amazing Please please tell us the last one Look the reason I set up the JX 45 camera So close me 40 to 75,000 dollars as people come in my old abandoned house. They do drugs they have sex They sacrifice animals to Satan. You have nothing usual, be it you cannery. Yup. And I like jerking off to it, you see. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be 10 right heath welcome back. Heath. Heath don't do this.

Heath. All right, just getting Heath isn't here this week, but that voice that you heard echoing from 81 miles to my right was that of my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm pretty good. No, I hope I don't turn my face and have scary make up on. Oh, that is how movies are made. Yes, that's right. And randomly throughout this film, I will just yell pop scare.

And this will be a horror podcast. Eat your heart out and a Bosnick. And of course, we're pleased to welcome back our special guest, massacres. Rebecca Vigil is the co-creator and co-star of your love, our musical, a show that can be legally described as New York City's number one improvised musical comedy show. As long as I'm super vague about

what it's number one in Rebecca. Welcome back. Thank you. Thank you so much. You bet. You bet. So, uh, yeah, let number one in gamma appearances, if nothing else. Yeah. Totally. 100%. Number one in our hearts and lines. There you go. By the way, if you have, if you live anywhere close or if you ever plan on visiting New York, you have to see Rebecca show me, if you have, if you live anywhere close or if you ever plan on visiting New York, you have to see Rebecca show me and my wife went, it is phenomenal, highly, highly recommend. Thank you.

Thank you, Eli. I will put the gun down now. Don't put it close to him. Okay. Just, you know, just once bitten twice shy at all. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to me.

So tell us Rebecca, what are we going to be breaking down today? So you made me watch the monster project, which I do not believe is a Christian film. There's no way that this is a Christian movie. No, there is a fuck like eight seconds in. I eat something in the movie somebody says fuck, I'm like, Eli. Okay, in my defense, let me just say this movie was recommended by a listener. And I was like, and I watched the preview and I was like, Hey, is this a Christian movie? And the listener was like, yeah, I probably should have told you it's a Christian movie. It gets really Christian at the end. And I was like, yeah, I probably should have told you. It's a Christian movie. It gets really Christian at the end and I was like, okay, because that's the question I asked people all the time and they go, oh no, it's not a Christian movie.

I just thought you should watch the movie and I'm like, no, that's not our podcast work. But this person had the audacity to lie to me. So you know, it's on the show. Because if not watching a movie without talking about it, well, not this bad. Yeah, because they're not watching a movie without talking about it. Yeah, well, not this bad. Yeah. No shit. Oh, all right. So Eli, speaking of which, how bad was this movie? Well, ifDoo. Yeah, but that's an insult to both Blair Witch and Scooby-Doo. And by the way, I fucking hated Blair Witch. I thought it was like the worst thing to ever be critically acclaimed. So when I say this is an insult to Blair Witch, that's I I'm, I'm, I'm cutting deep with

that. So what they did here was, they did the found footage thing. Okay. And we've seen a few other Christian found footage movies. This is not the best. The locket is still the best found footage movie we've done. But here's the thing about found footage, right? So there are advantages, right? You can, you can, first of all, you can make a movie a hell of a lot cheaper. It gives you a diff, it makes things feel a little more realistic. It gives you a different relationship with your audience. It gives you a different, your audience a different relationship with the characters. The downside is you've got to be damn clever to write it correctly, right? Because there has to be a reason why the footage would exist.

and why the footage would exist. Mm. Uh, me and the filmmaker did it. And like the footage they found, like, there's some footage where I'm like, how did they get a hold of that footage? It makes no sense. Well, I feel like at some point, someone probably in the writer's room was like, and what about the dream sequence? How is that?

Found footage. Yeah. We get too much. He attracted his brain. Well, yeah, so that leads me right into my best worst, which was best worse excuse for the camera to be there because occasionally they would remember that this was found footage and they'd be like, oh, I must have left this camera on this whole time. Yeah.

Whoops. There's a security camera in the dilapidated hole. Oh, right. What? Give me a fucking break. Now, we don't have no windows, but this is the XP 40 series system works on a monoc computer. That's fucking IBM's Watson hooked up to this motherfucker.

No windows. What do I get to cuss a lot on this episode? That's what I do. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. So is there anything that any nominations you guys have for something this movie was best at being worst at? I think the best worst fight choreography I've ever seen in my life.

It was just a series of pushback from flying people. And I'll tell you what, I have a feeling that Eli and I, and I'm not trying to brag here, have seen better, worse fight choreography going into this than you have. You're right. That being said, I still agree. Right? Like, see, I've seen David A.R. White fight scenes, and this is still the best, worst fight

choreography I have ever seen. I can say best, worst variety in monster makeup. Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah. They all look like the same monster. variety in monster makeup. Oh, yes. They all look like the same month. That's so. It's just great.

Yeah. Yeah. I want to varying levels of sexiness. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I want to give this best worst monster coordination. Look, we're going to talk about this when we get into the breakdown in this movie. But there is no question at some point the monsters all got together and they were like, all right, Dave, nice to meet you. I don't want to be that guy, but does

anyone mind if I go first and vampire lady was like, oh, I was really hoping I could go fast. All right. How about we use good five minutes and then we like good like a like a chore chart like bad roommates You write your pentagram in the basement all my mine on the hallway Just dirty dishes in the sink the werewolf and the demon girl are giving each other dirty legs I mean those are at my dishes. Yeah, yeah You are on dish duty this week.

I don't want to talk about this. That's what the movie should have been. It should be an honestly dealt with demons. All right, Patreon goal achieved. So unfortunately, thinking about this movie, cinematography, for even this long has triggered my vertigo against. I need to take a quick break for some drama. I mean, but when we come back, we'll recap all the uninspired poorly acted under lit palsy camera work that is the monster project

a Eli uh did anybody answer our ad looking for monsters yet? Yeah man we got 300 emails and a whole bunch of voicemails. Oh awesome all right let's crack them open. Yeah. Okay. Here's one. It says a photo of the monster in my house. Oh, Jesus, that's somebody's penis. Okay. Okay. I get it. Sorry. Next one. Okay. Look. This one says the subject is real monster. Alright. Fuck. Oh, that's another penis. That is another penis. Okay. Well, that one, this one, it says kindergarten, Nick. It can't be, and it's a penis. Are these all gonna be penises? Oh, let me see.

Uh, yes. Yes, they are all penises. Fuckin' Craigslist, man. Yeah. Hey, do you want to, no, I do not want to do the penis project instead. Okay. Okay. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off in media arrests with an African American gentleman warding a sound on the roof that he's armed, dangerous and Christian. And this is Jamal. And Jamal's character's role will be to set African Americans

in cinema back 10 years. I think that's what he's, what you talking about, Eli. What? Oh. Oh. So yeah, well, and I should point out, because he's yelling at a noise on the roof. And he's like, hey, I've got a 45 and Probably a malt liquor given the sensitivity with which my character was written

But also I'm a member of my Baptist Church this movie will occasionally like not at being Christian, right? They'll like try and forget so he climbs up to this roof and like looks around the chimney, all while threatening the noise he hears up there. And then a where will monster thing looks at him and he falls off the roof? This is our first turn around and be scary. This is our first one. And it's like two seconds into the film. There will be scary. This is our first one. And there will be more. Yeah. And like many of the cameras in this film, this camera was powered by Jamal's consciousness. You can see his hands. Like it's almost like a naked gun joke. Like you see the camera and then you see one hand and you're like, all right, he's holding the other, you see the other hand.

Yeah, well, that way. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so he falls off the roof and then the camera goes out because he's unconscious. And it comes back on and his buddy, Devon is up on the roof. Turns out that this was metacy. Jamal and Devon were making a fake video of scary found footage stuff for YouTube, right? And I want to just take a moment to say because this is going to come up throughout. Devon is delicious. I didn't enjoy this movie.

You know what I enjoyed? Looking at that. Kevin, thank you. Thank you. Two votes. Yeah, two votes. Two votes. I had a boner, a very complicated boner, a whole movie.

But I also, I love that it was like, you know, and the black guy dies. He's just kidding. He'll die later. Yeah, right. Yeah, he will be the first to die in this film. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, so, okay, so they go in to edit their, their YouTube movie.

And I feel like because at this point, we're actually watching YouTube videos in the movie. And I'm like, we don't give Ray comfort credit for being the trend setter that he is. Exactly. Yeah. Also, it shows their view count and they have 134,000 views. And I'm like, hmm, that's like one billionth of cute puppy falsies. Like, so, they're breaking in those big viral video dollars. Oh yeah. Yeah. Right. Dollar per view. Yeah. Exactly. He's like each, each one of those clicks is money. I'm

like micro sense. We're in the sense. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That might explain the budget for the film. Right. Well, and that also might explain why Devon has come up with an even more clever plan on how they can make money. See, instead of making fake monster videos, they could make real monster videos. I just wrote my notes. These characters just came up with most of the learning channels. Right. So yeah, they've come up with an idea for a show called the monster project where

they go out and look for real monsters. And by go out and look, we mean put up a Craigslist ad. Crazy billionaire money. We remake this movie, but it's just him desperately trying to delete all of the dick picks he got. Oh, the title of this one is is I've got a monster for you finally Yeah, when I said monster I didn't mean rapist But also like can we cut to the monsters on Craigslist? I didn't think of that. That's true. That means all of these monsters were like, I can buy fresh. And now I'll just see if anyone needs a monster on Craigslist. Me,

me, preppy white guy on the subway, you vampire. And look, everyone knows that if you wanted to find a vampire or a werewolf for a skin walker, you'd want to go to. Oh, I'm sorry. I stepped on that. We did it. Everybody.

We did it. I know it died from how great that was. I was, I was actually going to throw in a zipper cruder ad right here. I thought that was going to be super clever. Just toss it in in the thing. But no, but yeah, the monster dot com thing. I guess worked out much better. Okay. They built their website through scare space. Yeah. This is the rest of the show. They're taking a weird 30 seconds on the clock. All right. So now it's time for a confessional video. This is where we're going to meet the character Brian, who by the way, before this movie is

over, will be a shitty boom operator named Brian. Yep. And we'll ruin things. Yes, yes, storm off and break shit. Yeah. No, this movie was designed to be on our show. The listener that fucking that emailed us to you and told you that it was Christian is Devon. He's the guy who played fucking Devon. Anyway, so crack boy.

And I will say this was well cast. This guy was supposed to be the junkie. He looked the part. Yeah. And he's making a message from mom and dad about how sober he is and how many days he's been sober. Yep. And this entire movie is worth it for one of the greatest moments. I think we've all experienced, which is white guy retails you something he heard in an AA meeting. Like, yeah, man. So there's like wolves. And if you feed one of them, that one will bite you. I gotta be honest, this was so boring. I could not physically pay attention to it. Like it was just, I was making love to Charlie Brown's teacher at this point. It was absolutely senseless.

And I even went back and tried to listen again so I could hear the details of what he was saying. And I got bored and started counting the letters and the sentences in my notes and shit. Oh, and he's so complicated. Yeah, such a complicated guy. You can tell. Even though Devon's hot and interesting, he's complicated. Yeah. Those are the only two kind of white guys. Well, I will say, like much of the dialogue and monologue in this movie could just be people saying things like, I'm complicated or our relationship is complicated, isn't it? There's a ton of that.

That would have been more subtle than most of the dialogue. It was. Right, right. So, okay, so we be, Brian, we also meet Muriel briefly here. Muriel will be a Murkuriel character. It's kind of hard to pin down what the fuck she's, who she is to everyone. You have to have a hot good girl in a movie. Yeah. That's what, you know, she's the engineer. And if you can't get a hot girl for the movie, you know, she's the on- She's the on- She's the on- Shitty movie. And if you can't get a hot girl for the movie, you can get Miril.

You know, she reminded me of, she was like a poor man's version of the girl. Remember that, and I'm sorry to leave you out on this one, Rebecca, but you remember that movie we did Eli where the guy wasn't allowed to be in a room with a girl. Yes. And there was that drop- Yes, old fashioned, right. She's like a poor man's version of the hot girl from old fashioned I see also

Checking her IMDB page a legitimate actress who somehow got trapped in She's been in all sorts of stuff and it was obvious. She was like I am gonna be an Arizona that weekend Could it be I can't promise you much about this movie, but I can promise you she spent the entire film going, I'm not doing a topless scene. Nope. No, I need you to stop. Really? I'm wearing a midriff.

I'm wearing a midriff in the middle of the night. The resting of wine. The winter. Yeah. That's ridiculous. They do really try to show her tits. They really do. They really do. That last scene. They do really try to show her tits. They really do. They really do. That last scene will probably get right. Right. Right. There's a lot of

will there be boob at the very end of this? Yeah. So all right. So now we cut over to Monster Project day one. This is Devon and and Jamal. They've gotten an answer on their Craigslist ad for monsters from a Native American gentleman who is also a werewolf. A skin walker. Skin walkers. Yeah. I also met a gentleman once who called himself a skin walker. He molested.

Just be aware that if you answer a Craigslist ad for a man calling himself a skin walker, you're going to get molested. Just to be aware that if you answer a Craigslist ad for a man calling himself a skin walker, gonna get molested. Yeah, he likes to walk his fingers up your naked body. Yeah, so you know Dave Don't excuse me Craigslist is a weird place is what we're saying. Yes, it is. So okay So now this is gonna the first of many times where we're going to shoehorn in why this guy has a camera. So this character is a police officer who wears a body cam because he's a police officer. Even when he's off duty. Yeah, with a t-shirt turning into wearables. Yeah, exactly, exactly. He just has one implanted into him, like police officers so often do these days.

That's what you want Sean King. That's what you want. Yes. But the good news though is that the Indian guy was definitely a real skin walker. So they have the first of the monsters they're going to need for their interviews. So okay. Now they're doing like a ocean's 11 of ethnicities. They're just gathering them all. Oh, shit, they do don't think.

They didn't want to just go with white monsters. No, of course. And we should point out, we didn't mention this at the time, but they actually said this in their Craigslist ad. They were like, all ethnicities are fine. Yes, they did. A white male vampire who's like, she, this is bullshit.

I'm gonna get on Twitter and act like more of a monster than I am. I'm not gonna. White genocide is worse than eating paybush. So it's all monsters matter. All monsters matter. All monsters matter. So, okay. So speaking of shoe horned and bullshit camera opportunities here, we now cut to this

very bizarre stupid scene that starts with, like basically it starts with one of the characters saying, it would be very stupid and silly for you to be filming this moment. Why would you be doing that? He goes, yeah, I don't know. You know, sometimes I for you to be filming this moment. Why would you be doing that? He goes, yeah, I don't know. You know, sometimes I just like to turn the camera on. Anyway, tell us about your backstory with Miriel. Yes. This whole scene is the ham-fisted-is-way humanly possible for the characters to go.

Devon and Miriel used to date. She doesn't like Devon. Yep. Now, Rebecca, I can't speak from a woman's perspective. Thank you. So thank you. Thank me. So can you educate us if you walk into a room and your ex is there?

Do you recoil as though he is made out of spiders and leave immediately? I mean, you know, I have. Okay, so that's a real real. Yeah, that's totally. Or I apologize. I thought that Muriel's reaction to Devon was slightly exaggerated, but now I learn that's just something women do. Yeah, we are terrified of our exes. Yeah, but it depends on the ex.

It depends on the ex. Yeah, it just depends on the ex. And he obviously, you know, he was a problem. He was a problem. Has a problem. You know, she doesn't want to get hurt again, you guys. I get it. No, yeah. No, he's very. He's demanding. Yeah. Literally. So and I also want to point out this little bit again, like the nod to me. Maybe this is a Christian movie. Maybe it isn't. They come into the, okay, so they hide out while Muriel leaves apparently Muriel. All these characters live together except

Devon apparently. So Brian, the crackhead that was doing the confessional earlier is Jamal's roommate. So Jamal comes in and you know how like when you come into your home, you film it, he's doing that. And Devon looks at the wall and he goes, that's new and the camera focuses in on a crucifix. And this crucifix is the size of like a crusader shield. Yes. Like Brian, Brian like unstable Jesus from this thing and then fucking brought it into the house. Yeah, from the front of a boat. So yeah, so and they they they point that out and he's like, Oh, that's my roommates.

He's all Christian. He's the good guy. And then that that'll be Brian, who Jamal will be verbally abusive with. And then that's when Miriel shows up in storms off because of the complexity of all the relationships. But hell yeah, fisticks. Yeah, we can't, we can't escape a sea of the Jamal without something like that, right? Jesus Christ. That's a weed. Throughout this film, without reason, whatever the scene is, Jermal will add something racist

to it. I'd be like, all right guys, we escaped the monsters. Now we're here in this basement. Jermal, what are you doing? Are you okay? And he's like, I found one of them. He's like, I'm the single seed, so? Yeah.

Wow. Why people killing each other? I thought only blacks killed other blacks. Look at these statistics I found. That's going to be commit such a larger percentage of the crimes. I'm just saying, maybe we should stop talking about black lives matter, start talking about police in our cities and raising our children right. I'm just saying.

Anyway, where are my bootstraps. All right. So now the characters go into a different room. They got another response to their casting call for monsters. This time they got themselves a vampire. But in order to get an interview with the vampire, they didn't even realize they'd done that. I think they she wants a vial of blood to drink. Now who do they know who would trade a vial of his own blood for a hundred dollars turns out it's the crack head. I feel like there should be a warning label on that blood. Yeah.

I just went through out here. Devon very, very casually is aware of how to draw blood in a safe way. Oh, yeah. He's just like, all right, here you go. Sips, like I know professional. I spent whenever I go to give blood, they spend 45 minutes jabbing at my milk. That's just like, bloop, got you, buddy. Well, let's be fair. We don't know that he knows a safe way to do it.

We just know he knows a way to do it. Yeah. So, okay, so now they go off to meet the vampire. Brian is also with them now for some, I guess it's his blood. He wants to see it through. I don't know. But the vampires instructed them to leave it on a bench by the swing set. In a playground. And a playground and a playground. So you know, there's a lot of fucked up shit that happens

at playgrounds. This movie is on the list. I'm not saying it's worse than the molestations shit, but it's on the list. So now there's a swishing noise and the violist gone, the fan pyres coming gone and no one ever even saw her. Yeah, which I like in reality. Let's just picture this moment from her perspective. She's hiding. She's like, oh, I better go jingle some keys over here. Shove's a tire swing jumps through the swing set. So it's it all moves. It grabs the blood and then drinks like a shot's worth of blood. It is like awesome. Yeah. Good day. So yeah, and that's the vampires interest. And now they've got two monsters. They got a skin walker and a vampire. And now they're leaving. Now they're setting this up for

an interview later. They're going to interview all the monsters together apparently. And they're driving home. And basically Brian, this is such a rare moment of pure honesty in the script. Brian says, why do fuck is this happening? Why is any of this happening? And Jamal says money. Like, yep, that's exactly what's really, that was not even scripted, guys. That was just what the conversation was. That was the actor.

Yeah. And to be fair, the characters haven't seen that monsters are real at this point. So their answer of we don't think monsters are real and are just going to bother some crazy people to put on television. Is a pretty decent answer. Yeah. Right. Well, and what except Brian, though, again, nodding to the Christianity

of this movie says, well, Hey, man, you know, according to the Bible, demons are real. So who knows about vampires and skinwalkers, right? And everyone in this movie reacts exactly the way we would. Yeah. Okay, time to get quiet. Yeah. Okay. Time to get quiet. Yeah. Did you say you brought music? You brought music? Did you have fish sticks? Fish fish. Some of you tell us one of those great you jokes you always So speaking at Jamal. All right. Now we cut to the following scene. Again, you have to keep in mind. His camera is connected to his consciousness because in this next scene he wakes up to pounding. The camera is already on as he's like wiping his sleep out of his eyes and shit. He was sleep filming when a pounding knock on the door woke him up apparently.

You can't miss a moment in documentary. So, okay. So there's a pounding on the door at him and in Brian's place. He goes to the door and opens it up and when you another race. We now take care of the largest of the races, the Asians. Yes. So they, but it's not an Asian yet. It's a DVD, which was probably made in Asia. So that's kind of like an Asian, um, but it says shiori on it. Now before they watch the DVD, they have to invite Devon over

so that he can also be in this scene. Hey, man, wake up. I know it's four in the morning. We have a DVD. No, those are not time sensitive. Okay. Well, I realized it as I was saying it. Come on. You must be, you know, hi or something, right? Just do some muscle. And send me a picture. Is it that much?

Yeah. All right. So they watched the DVD. It is an Asian girl named Shiori. And I want to point out, again, this is just a podcast you're going to be coming out, at least to some degree. But the way they filmed this was to film the video, play it on the TV, a film the TV and take the audio that was coming out of the TV

and mic that on their boom. So like, like, she literally is just whisper talking. I couldn't understand a god damn word of what she was saying here. Yeah, me neither. Yeah. As a matter of fact, I thought she was the vampire turns out she's not. She's the demon, right? She's yet another person. I thought the vampires like, all right, you gave me the blood. Now I'll give you a DVD. Yeah. And now I'll make my version of the ring. Yeah, right, right. And by the way, that's exactly why they went with Asian girl because they wanted to do

the Asian girl hair over the face thing, which is a staple in horror film for some fucking reason. We should point out to that while they're watching the video talking about the demon, the crucifix falls off the wall, leading me to wonder, is that what happens every time you watch that. Yeah, the noise that the crucifix makes is way louder than her speaking voice. Well, the crucifix is, yeah, it's about 306 pounds judging by the size of it. There's an actual human man. Exactly. So, yes, so Devon calls the demon girl to set up up the follow up interview. And they get that done. And while he's doing that, Jamal,

it comes in and says, Hey, man, we should really talk about Brian's backstory. Yeah, so that he can overhear us. And it's literally just, hey, man, do you think Brian's a piece of shit? Don't trust me. He's a drug addict. Everyone knows drug addicts always love drugs. Forever. So. And then from there we go to Brian's birthday party. Luckily, Jamal filmed this as a montage. I will say of all the pop scares in this movie, the most effective one was Miriel dancing at scared shit out of me. Oh, there is, there is a great white people dancing scene where you can tell Devin like turn the camera off and he was like, everyone enjoyed the party and all the white people froze and they were like what?

My Puritan roots Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-ch He's wearing a top hat and tails. God damn it, Jamal. So now we have, again, all on camera, we have a heart to heart between Devon and Jamal where we learn more about their backstory. Jamal is worried that he's still on the drugs, which I mean, this, this actor is so obviously stoned. You that yes, he's on the drugs. His eyes are barely open. Right. But now Devon shows up, right?

And Devon is the bad guy and wasn't invited to the party and everybody gasps and myriot freaks the fuck out and starts throwing a holy water on him and shit. But he's actually there because he felt bad for San Brian was a drug addict fuck up the other night. So he wants to hire him to be a boom operator on the monster project for 600 bucks, which making him the highest paid grip. Yeah, exactly. I just want to say as someone who has held a boom for all the pizza you want. I've held a boom for myself. Yeah, right.

So, yeah. But mostly he's just there to apologize for the previous scene so that we can feel like he's more complex and layered than we thought at first. But that's when Muriel shows up. And they, okay. So Miriel had bought a camera, a head mounted camera for Brian for his birthday. She had turned it on and was walking out to give it to him and forgot it was on, which is why there's going to be a camera during this conversation, this private conversation

between Miriel and Devon about her, him cheating on her in the past. Well, he didn't, he never cheated on her. He just needed some space. Well, the relationship is very complicated. He has layers. How's that? They all, she literally said, this is an actual line from this scene because he's like, I want you to work on the monster project. And she's like, oh, I would never grip on an ex-boyfriend shoot.

And really you're just going to leave that out there for me. I'd never grip on an ex-boyfriend. Sometimes they make it too easy. Again, this movie occasionally tipped its hands that it was made. It was trying to make it to God awful movies, right? Yes. So, but, but this is now we've established already that what Mirio really wants to do with her life is direct.

And now he wants him, he wants her to direct his show. And it's what she always wanted to direct a direct to YouTube video about monsters. She's really moving up in the world. Where the fuck is she now that this is her moving up in the world? It's a weird vision. Very low. All right. So late that night, only Muriel and Brian are left.

Everybody else left the party. And now we have to like have a heart to heart between them so we can realize that their relationship is also complicated and layered. And she didn't notice anyone leave for the party. Nope. Yeah. What? Nobody noticed anybody leaving the party.

Did they go out the back? Nobody walked through the house. They're just gone. Music's off like it. Yeah. Right. Well, they were having this conversation apparently the entire party cleared out. It's like, oh, that's what all those cars leaving was

What? Yeah, oh by the way I have to point out the director's buddies garage band is playing in the background of this and the fucking singer is Going for it. This is his one moment and he knows it If you watch the movie listen for him he was he was really putting on a hell of a show He was let's just say, crooning. Anyway, so now we learn that Muriel and Brian are not dating, but maybe they like each other and maybe they don't, but Devon is in the way now and, and whatever will they do. And then she kisses him right in the camera. Yeah, like, like forehead hits the camera. Yeah. Yeah. And, and, and then she wanders off because she shouldn't have done that. The relationship is too complicated for that. And then he punches shit and takes

drugs. Yeah. Brian. Brian's reaction to the girl he likes kissing him is to fly into a rage. I don't deserve nice things. I mean, look, I don't want to be an old fogey, but in my day at a party at your birthday, if the girl kissed you, it was a good thing. You got the feeling that it was like, he like, he got a condom earlier in the movie. Some was like, you always need a condom and he like throws it into the fire and it's like, get man, maybe you don't get to fuck before you've kissed. I'm not. Buddy.

No, lip stuff until thought stop. I have a very weird order. It's asked to mouth you fucking. Yeah, I mean order of operation. All right. So now it's tomorrow. We're honing in on the plot of this movie, guys. We really

are. We just need to know how complex these fucking relationships are. So it's tomorrow. We're driving through the woods. The radio cleverly sneaks in the fact that it's going to be a total lunar eclipse tonight. Very exciting. If you're an astronomer or work in the moon monster field, but they're all a team now. That's the important thing. They're all a team. They're going to the shoot. They have rented a haunted house to do this shoot in. Yep. So to probably found on Craigslist. So I don't have no monsters, but. So okay, so now we fully get the idea of what this show is going to be. They're going to interview. They've invited a skin walker, a vampire, and a demon to come talk with them in a haunted house during a lunar eclipse. So, you know,

scary. Also, subtle little thing here, this is where Muriel puts the head cam that she bought for Brian's birthday on Brian. And she was just like, Hey, will you wear this for the rest of the movie? Sorry. Um, he's like, of course, I'll wear this on my head for you anything. Let me quickly summarize up the plot points up to now. Yeah. So, yeah. And, and of course, as soon as he puts the head camera on and it's working, he's like, well, this is a perfectly appropriate time for a very personal discussion about our complex feelings for each other that were explored last night with a kiss. And she's like, yeah, maybe not while you're filming this.

Now she cares. Yeah, right. Now she cares. Look, right. Now she cares. Look, if it's during night vision, I as a filmmaker, I'm entitled to it, but not now. And this is where we meet the owner of the creepy 100 house. Yeah.

Pretty good actor, I'll be honest. Yeah, pretty good actor. He looks pretty creepy. Yeah. He's like, hi, are you all three of you wearing or holding a different form of camera which admittedly is odd but your mom's responses and i'll be detained oh my god

and and also this is where they turn to the uh homeowner and they're like wow there's sure seem to be a lot of security cameras from what one might theoretically find footage later in this home of yours. They seem to be in every single room. Even the crawl spaces under the house. Yeah. Why would anyone? Yeah, exactly.

When they will end is he explains. Yes, it's so amazing. I'm kidding. Please, please tell us his explanation. Look, the reason I set up the JX 45 cameras and cost me 40 to $75,000 is people come in my old abandoned house. They do drugs, they have sex, they sacrifice animals to Satan. That's the usual.

The issue can rain. I'm the usual Beachy cannery And I like drinking off to it you see Oh, and by the way Devon needs everyone to leave their phones in the car. It might be vital to the plot later This is just the most sure and then bullshit. Oh, by the way, everyone, that phones interfere with cameras. You can't put them on silent. You have to leave them in there. Yeah. And if you could make it so you're not allowed to dial 911, you could take that ability off of it. All right, guys, give me the nine buttons and the one buttons on the screen. Getting back at the end of the month.

And if you have a touchscreen, just smash the screen. So yeah, so okay, so the sand's phones, they go into the creepy crack house and apparently and this never makes any goddamn sense, but apparently the crazy guy owns the house keeps his wife there in a wheelchair and Casey needs a pop scare later. Literally, they're just, he's like Martha. Martha. See these actors be like, wait, you just left your wife in the house and he's like, oh, yes, she's very sick. Also, have I mentioned everything in this house is fragile and sharp.

Anyways, I'll find my wife. Her teeth. Good night. He's, and of course, this is where he has to give the creepy haunted house instructions. He's like, you know, nobody go into the attic because you know, it's not haunted, but something else. Damn, damn, I practice another way over. Oh, yeah. And whatever you do, don't look in the basement.

And if anyone gets hurt, it's not my fault. You asked for it. Probably best if you don't turn on any lights. If you could do everything in night vision, that'd be great. That would be great. Thanks, night vision way ahead of you. Yeah. Make sure monsters look more realistic. Yeah. So they, they stumble upon Martha, who's having some wheelchair mumble time in the corner. This will be time one of eight hundred and eighty seven thousand that a woman sits in the corner mumble. I just want to be barefoot and pregnant in the office. And also I want to point out at one point and this will not be the last time they do

this at one point in this scene, they have a pop scare when nothing happened, right? It's just like they move from one camera view to the other and it's like, Blah, you know, like, you know, No, wrong. So yeah, and they will do that more than once. All right. So now they're so the crazy owner takes his wife and wheels are on out of there. They go elsewhere. And now everybody's setting up to film, but dammit if they didn't overload the breaker turns out all the bad and houses have shitty electrical systems, who to thug. And Muriel knows everything.

Yeah, a mag light. Yeah, she's a flashlight guy. Damn it. She uses the fucking brand name. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Also, this is also where we learn that Devon brought a box of monster killing paraphernalia just in case.

It's got a bag of my guffins. Yeah. You know, I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing.

I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. I'm just a little bit more about the way you're doing. in of my Greek, Greek, Greek, Greek, I have a steak medium rare. I have a steak. Also, subtle, subtle, Jamal is wearing a silver chain. That won't matter later. Actually, they will set up like five times the only thing they can kill the skin walker is silver.

And the fact that he's wearing a silver chain will never matter. It will never matter. And they will kill the skin walker without silver. And the fact that he's wearing a silver chain will never matter. It will. It will. And they will kill the skin walker without using any silver later. Yeah. That's his bling dog. Well, honestly, I'm surprised it didn't have spinning rims on it. So, so, Muriel and Brian go to check the breaker and talk about the complexity of their relationship.

It's more, more, anyway, yeah. I was getting so bored. I did not care about their love triangle in the slightest. I just wanted to put like a pentagram around it. So and then we do the opening, right? Like the, the soft open with Devon, you know, directly addressing the camera is like tonight during this rare lunar eclipse, we will interview a vampire, a demon, and a skin walker. There are no actors, and I'm like more accidental honesty. And but that's not.

Well, actually, yes, exactly. And but that's not. Well, actually, yes, exactly. That's interrupted by sudden pop scare scream. Now, I think we should just say Martha every time. So I love to, okay, this is myrials screaming. What she was screaming at is that the demon girl showed up. Now, the demon girl isn't a demon. She's just a young Asian woman. Muriel just saw a young Asian woman and screamed for several minutes while Devon and Jamal

ran into the house. It was racism. Is she from world world war two or something. My grandpa was in Vietnam. Explain why she or the Asian woman is so awkward. She's like, I'm sorry, I arrive early, which is polite thing to do when you are invited someone and your friend scream for solid 80 seconds at me. Oh my God, what if she or his just normal or whatever, she just assumed that this was going to be a learning channel thing? Yeah, that sudden, this movie from Shiori's perspective is way more fun. Yeah.

All right, so yeah, and now the vampire chick is there to talking way too quiet for the microphones to pick her up. Also, this is where we get the I don't think it was intentionally comedic scene where Brian is hanging up the word vampire demon and skin walker on the dressing room. And they're dressing rooms. In case they needed change into their fangs or something. Yeah. Um, and of course as soon as he puts up the thing for demon in the demon room, he hears demon sounds and wouldn't you know it. There's pop scaring the middle of the room there.

Which he will never address again, by the way. Like he goes in and he's like, Hey, she already had you doing you want some craft services? And she's like, and he's like, all right. Yeah, right, right. He's like, I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. I will. And Jamal continues to stab wildly at the vagina of comic relief in the other room. He's so upset. He's just like, I'm looking for the way I will. Yeah.

I know Craig. It's horrible. Also, because I always have to pause these movies and write my notes and then go back and pause the movie. I realized at this point that when you pause this movie, you have a 40% chance of getting black screen at any point in this goddamn movie. Speaking of which, something happened to the dark. It was scary or something.

Well, anyway, this is amazing because while he's looking for the, the, the werewolf, the vampire shows up and they see her walking in the distance and then the camera turns away and when it turns back, she's like, right up against the window. My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, amazing thing about it is in real life, that means that the vampire was like, dude, dude, dude, dude, oh, they're not looking. I really wish she was heavy, bad thing. Oh God. Hey, did I scare you? Oh God. You like my new contacts? So yeah, and also because so she arrives, she goes to her dressing room, also the Native

American wear cop shows up wearing his wearing his body cam still, by the way. And this character is named Stephen. I only want to point that out because for whatever it's worth, Jamal, Maryl, Shiori and Stephen are played by actors named respectively. Jamal, Muriel, Shiori and Stephen subtle take that take from that what you will. Maybe they were real monsters. Yeah, this is a documentary. So now they're now they get their fucking money's worth out of that clapboard. God damn it. It's start time to start filming the show. And Steven has decided he needs to protect his identity, not in the movie like the actor himself would rather not be seen in this movie. So they show him in the shadows with his voice changed to creepy sounding.

Right. And this monologue he does is genuine nonsense. Everything he says makes less sense. He's like, are you anonymous for your protection? for your protection. Wait, what? What? I am a police officer on my reservation. Oh, who do you police? Myself. What? Wait, what?

I killed my dad. How do you get to be a skin walking? And, yeah, and then his question is like, so how does one get into skin walking? And that pisses him off, right? He stands up all, pop scare like for no reason. And he goes, he basically, he says, I would have expected an interviewer to have more intelligent questions prepared than how does one get into skin walking. I'm the fuck out of here. Should've doneizzes a podcast. Yeah. Now you were here to talk about the financial crisis.

I'm supposed to ask me how you met Noah and he, but no one's ever asked you that before. So, and it's amazing. He goes, so it's murder, right? You have to murder a family member and I was like, oh, so Charlize the Roan skin walker. What do you know? Oh, Jesus. Burn Charlize. He's killed her. What do you know? She's burned Charlize. Killer dad, Google it. And then he goes, he goes, have you ever

shapeshifted? And he goes, I'm a fucking where there's our whole thing. No, thing is shifting enthusiast. Yeah, right. I love to. So because he asked him what it's like to shapeshift and they try their damnedest to go profound here, right? They try to go with something like meaningful here. And they do such a comically bad job of it that the last line of it is, he's like, he says you cease to be in a human at all. You become an animal. But that's the literal description.

That's like of or relating to you got that from the dictionary. There's nothing profound there. Also, he says here, he's like, silver is my weakness by the way. In case you need to know that in act three later. I would love to do interviews where people asked where my weakness was. And what's your weakness? Carbs. Tell me about it.

Yeah. Oh my God. If he had said carbs, my weakness carbs after 10 p.m. Oh. All right. So now we're going to go through the actual interviews. We've gone through the skin walker one. We're now going to go through the vampire one, which starts with I hate this

woman. Oh my God. I hate this woman. So I know I'm sure you guys were, you know, super in their looks. No, you know, the extra up in a comical fashion. Here's the fish nets and. Yes. Yeah. I know this girl. That's my problem. I know this girl and I know she's just not worth it, right? Like I'm looking at, I'm looking at the camera and I'm thinking to myself, yeah, she's sexy. There's going to be some kind of unsolicited biting that happens. There's this is not going to end well for me. She's going to want me to have a three way that's like me and two other guys for her. It's going to be weird. And I want to say for every time Muriel was asked to take her top off and said no, this

actress asked if she could take up and I'll do it. I'll do it. If she doesn't want to do it, I'll do it. I'll do it. If she doesn't want to do it, I'll do it. You're the vamp for the last. God damn it, Ashley. You guys want to add another tattoo? To my neck. And the best example of this actress doing, and she's really doing her best.

The best example of this actress trying to do the scary thing is they've done one of those skull-faced tattoos on the back of her hand, but the actress doesn't know how to do it. So she puts her hand over her mouth to do it, but it's slightly off-kilter and she's like, like death. But it's just a weird tattoo slightly off-kilter. Yeah, exactly. Is it look good?

Is it? No? You know what? We can't afford to do it again. Yeah. And it's digital film. So yes, no, it's fine. Keep rolling. And okay, and we should point out that she, okay, this is the vampire that got the blood earlier.

The blood she drank was Brian's. So instead of Devon interviewer, she wants Brian the boom operator to do it. This, there's not a reason for this. Well, yes, there is. Well, she could have said this when he was fucking holding the boom too. But yeah, okay. So yes, she, well, first of all, she asked him about his tattoos. And while he's showing her, she scratches her fingernails across the metal. Yeah. And she scratches out the word Martha apparently, because this is just done as a pop scare. Yeah, a slow burn. Yeah, exactly. That's pretty scary. Yeah. So and then she so she starts like reading his blood. She's like, yeah, I can't help but notice that when I was eating your blood, tasted a little oxy in there, a few drug addict, which is where I learned I wanted to hang out with

Brian. But it's also where we learn that like everyone in this fucking movie is an idiot because everyone's like, damn it, Brian, you're doing oxies again. Like, this is a woman that claimed to be a vampire, right? We have not yet seen evidence that monsters are a thing. The only person who's seen any evidence, in fact, that monsters are a thing is Brian, who's ignoring it at this point, right? He's pretty high. Yeah. That does explain his reaction because when I'm on oxy, I could walk into a room and a demon turn around. I got to stop buying from Frankie man.

And I keep paying demons. So yeah, but so Brian everybody's met up. Brian for doing drugs. He freaks out like an asshole breaks a bunch of shit out on the way. It's not opiates. It's right. And we have this amazing met a moment. And I'm sorry Rebecca that you can't enjoy this as

much as we do, but it's a running joke on our fucking show. There's actually a film set where a guy is storming off and people are yelling Brian. Again, they were trying, they were, they were aiming to be on this show. So Brian goes into the bathroom to rage y'all. Recall, of course, that he's got a camera on his face so it makes sense that he would be filming his rage y'all. And this is where he takes his pills out of his pocket and he has eight pounds. He took out a jug. Well, something Winnie the Poo would be consuming honey from yes, except filled with yeah, exactly. But then Jamal comes in, right? And we have to listen to the, we also have a complex

friendship that goes back many years conversation between the two of them. Oscar moment. Oh, yes. Jamal was fucking going for it here. Yeah. Guys, this was Jamal going for it. I mean, I, you know, like, I'm going to put the kudos to Jamal for trying everyone should try real hard, but that's literally the best he can do. That's, we should take a moment for Jamal.

All right. So, oh, and then, of course, after he gets done with that, Brian decides to record a screaming video diary for his parents. Yeah, that's how I call my folks. Yeah. Find a nickel. Yeah. You ruined me. Well, I will say though, I had to teach my mother how to use Skype the other day, which doesn't seem like something one would have to be taught how to do. And by the time I finally got her on video, I'm sure I was doing this, right? I'm sure I

had about Brian's demeanor at that point. Yeah. But yeah, but he yells his parents, he's not really so sober. He's been fagging at the whole time, blah, blah, blah. And now it's time to interview the demon girl. Now she's not a demon. She's possessed by demons, which is kind of a jib. I mean, the other chick was actually a vampire. She just didn't know one, you know? But, but she or he would like the demons to go away. Perhaps it's a pigs if they can handle that. Yes, and the demon has promised if they end up on TLC, you'll leave.

Which to be fair, she says in this interview that the demon was born inside her. So like, that means she's a demon, right? Well, it also means that there were like three years where we can assume a full grown demon was just like, all right, well, as soon as she learns to speak, I'm going to, you know, tell her that I'm a demon. But you know, I got a pretty good setup. Move these blocks around.

There's a lot of boob drinking in there. Man, they spend a lot of that first year sleeping, but they grow so quickly. It's nice. Honestly, this is a very of that first year sleeping, but they grow so quickly. It's nice. Honestly, this is a very time with the mobile. It's pretty roomy inside the body of a little Asian girl. I also love because like she says, like the demon haunts me at night, but it said if I did this interview with you guys, it would leave me alone. And I just wanted to cut to like Jamal sneaking out of a room last night in a Yoda mask or something. I got it boss. I got it. So yeah. So now and old by the way, Devon has to hold his own boom like an asshole now. Yeah. Okay. And also

again, this, this is something we see in every like found footage movie that we do period that we watch period at this point, but cameras don't cut in and out like that anymore, right? That's not a thing. The film itself was not exposed to any. This is digital. The ones and zeros were not held too close to eat anyway. Yeah, but it's first scary purposes, I guess.

And it's so scary. Bad camera is so scary. Bad camera. It's so scary. Right. So, yeah. So the, so now the demon is, she realizes the demon is coming and they're like, what does you look like? And she's like, he looks like a pop scare. Get ready for it.

Get ready. And the lights go out. Yes. Yeah. Of course. Of course. And so Miriel goes to check the breaker and she can do it all by herself in the haunted house full of monsters.

Thank you very much. She doesn't need help. No, I'm a woman. But hear me roar. As she's going, she notices that the skin walker is screaming in his dressing room. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and this is how it's vocal warmups, vocal warmups.

Oh my god. She gets in there and he's just like, Oh, my dad, he says I'm a skin walker. My dad, he says I'm a skin walker. I'm a skin walker. I'm a skin walker. Boom, sprays. Boom, sprays.

Oh, so much more horrifying than what happens. But no, he's turning into a werewolf. And her reaction is mild. Yeah, I'll go get help. I'll go get help. Now to be fair, that's about as dumb as the thing I'm sure I'd say if I walked in on a transforming werewolf, you know, I'd be like, you need this moment over here. Yeah, bummer.

Oh, I hate when my back does that. When I explode out of my shirt, where do you buy shirts? I'll talk to you later. And now all the demons start attacking them at once. This is I guess the lunar eclipse has started happening. All at once. It could not be less subtle. Just the same makeup. Three, two, one, demon. Yeah. And again, okay. So now we get like just the characters in this movie, randomly running down hallways with shaky cameras, that will be the remainder of the film. It never ends. It's just from this point on, that's basically what we're going to get. But they do manage to run away from these monsters.

I should point out these monsters will be repeatedly thwarted by like the locks in gas station bathroom stalls. Oh, absolutely. Less so. These, these, these, I don't want to touch it. You don't know how't want to touch it. You know, I'm a skin walker. I don't want to like, but if I give me with a turn when I turn back into human, I'll have bruises. Yeah. I'm a anti bacterial skin walker. So, and I think I should point out to that,

like, okay, this skin walker will later not be able to handle a door with a little slide lock that opens in. But at this point, and this moment, as they close the door and Jamal starts getting the, given the will be fine, we just need to work together speech. The skin walker is able to just punch through the door and grab him. Yep. Yeah. The black guy's dead. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The black guy's dead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The black guy's dead. Well, now that we've achieved that foundational cliche of horror movies, I suppose we've earned ourselves a break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will the rest of this film actually just be shaky cameras running from monsters down hallways? Considering how poorly it's lit, how will we know? Will these assholes use a tripod if I offered a pay for it and send it to them? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We return for the nauseous and all the wrong ways conclusions of the monster project.

Hey, everybody. I'm Larry the Wherewolf. Why don't we just go around and introduce ourselves? I'm Shia, the sexy vampire. I'm very interested in blood and flesh and the dark. Great, great, very exciting, very exciting. I'm a baffumette, been hanging around Shiro for, uh, oof, three years now, maybe four. Really excited to get out. I bet, I bet. Okay, so remember everybody, the plan is that we all reveal our sewsus monsters at the same time, but then then we take turns and take that right. Exactly. Okay. All right. Everybody have a great lunar eclipse and let's eat some people. I'm a vampire. Yeah, we know. We know. And we're back for more of this shit.

When we last left our heroes, the monsters they didn't fight it to attack them, attack them. The black guy died and the camera went out. And if you're answer to what to do with attack by monsters is go a couple of rooms away and start up a video confessionally, you and Brian are working off the same playbook because that's what he does. Well, I mean, he turns his head camera into night mode, which is useful. That's it.

Mm hmm. This is some damn good go pros they've got these days. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, then after that, there's supposed to yell running and door closing and then they have to decide whether to go back and help Jamal, right? That's always the kind of cliche moment in the horror movie. At this point, Jamal is probably dead, but we should go back and save him rather than get the fuck out of here right now ourselves. And I don't want to be this guy, but there does kind of seem to be a moment

of racism when they're figuring it out. Where they're like, I mean, we should go help Jamal and Devin's like, I mean, what's the thing? It was you and run right there. Yes. If Jamal was white and had tits, then maybe. So and but luckily for that, they do decide to go back to

to get your mom. And luckily they have that bag full of monster killing stuff, remember? And they subtly introduced earlier. They opened the bag and you could see the actors being like, oh, it's good. We have these. Yeah. Also, I just want to point out that like, we had check-offs crucifix in this movie. Also, I just want to point out that like we had check-offs crucifix in this movie. Okay. There was a crucifix hanging on the wall. We made a big deal of it multiple times. They will now use a different crucifix on the bad guys.

Yeah, it's their travel. The travel. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's like check-off I won in his boot too. Yeah. Apparently, anyway. So yeah, we hear this demon girl crying, she or he's crying.

So Brian armed with a crucifix walks slowly up to her from behind. And why? What the hell? So why would you go near her? After she levitated in the last scene and he's like, Hey, she you're are you okay? I saw you jump real high and then I'm in the air. Yeah. And how many how many times do they need to slowly walk over to touch the back of

a mumbling or creepy woman? Like it's all just women's back. I don't touch the women, the back of the women I know and aren't demons because they'd be like, ah, what are you doing? Yeah, so right. That's a creepy thing to do. I'm the pop. Martha. Yeah. Oh, this, this cross, don't worry about it. So like all the cameras in this movie, this one is powered by Brian's consciousness. So it goes out when he falls and it comes back later when Muriel and Devon are helping him up. They've heard more yelling you see and thus they must run towards it.

It's Jamal yelling. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. He's alive. And apparently Jamal, because he's black has a gun at this. He pulls a gun. He's racist motherfucking writers. They explain it. They're like, oh, he's like, oh, I grabbed it from his holster. You know, the one he didn't have earlier. Oh, this is supposed to

be the cops. God. Yeah, it's the cops. Oh, okay. Jamal brought a gun with him. Okay. I knew the black guy has the gun. Exactly. Well, and also I, okay, the vampire flies in at this point. Oh my god, this is the greatest thing.

It flies in in a, oh no, my flight hookup got stuck slow motion. Yeah. She literally looks like she's swinging back and forth. And from the skin over back. I'm into it. Which okay. And then of course Devon's dumbass basically throws away the wooden stake in his hand, picks up the gun and shoots her a couple of times. He also throws the knife at her. Yeah. It's like, eh, eh. Well, there goes one of our weapons.

Yeah. So we get the POV vampire stabbing. He stabs her with a wooden stake this time. Actually, Jamal, I'm sorry, stabs her with a wooden stake and then, but not well enough. And then Jamal comes up and finishes her. Right. And everyone takes turns at this point to call her a bitch. Yeah.

Everyone calls her a bitch. We get it. Yeah, right. They're just going down the room. Yeah, she's a bitch in a horror and a slug. Let's fuck her up. You think she's a bitch? I feel like I took it too far.

And now you guys are looking at me funny. Um, other parts of the members of the party come start filing in. Yeah. Yeah. It's a beauty in the beast. A bitch, a bitch, a bitch. So she turns into a fakie looking corpse with jelly on it. Um, and then they hear thumpy sounds. And I

so wanted them to walk up and find the werewolf scratching at the door needing to go pee. Right. Yeah. We'll go for a walk. We'll go for a walk. Ha ha ha. Instead though, they come across the Grinch. I guess. Oh, man, this where look, they were obviously the Grinch, I guess. Oh man, this where, look, they were obviously,

there's no question that they sat down with their makeup person's assistant. And they were like, so he quit because we kept asking him to take a shirt off. But we were thinking Benicia Del Toro. And she was like, yeah, absolutely picturing Jim Carrey as the Grinch. She was like, yeah, absolutely, Benicia Del Toro.

I loved him and dumb and dumb. And of course, okay. So they see the skin walker. One of them yells, how do we kill that? And the other one says, hey, you know, this makes the part of our conversation earlier about how to kill it so much more meaningful. What a lucky bit of foreshadowing that was. Think that we got it on film. Yeah. Right. Um, meanwhile, as they're running from him,

she or he's whining like a bitch somewhere again. So they have to go find her for another pop scare. She cried way too much. It's very annoying. Oh, it turned it into like an escort mission all of a sudden. Like she's not it possessed anymore, but they're like, well, I mean, we should bring her with us. She's probably done with the whole demon thing. I mean, I know the first time she flew in the air, and this Saturday, time to knock out Brian. But now she's probably our friend. Yeah. And we need an Asian friend. So yeah, so they get her. They, they collect her along the way as a power up, apparently. But the the Wolf guy is still standing around being all growly.

So they they decide as movie horror characters so often do that the safest place would be to go into the basement. Yes, literally. Yes. Now luckily, though, it does have one of those rest area bathroom stall locks on the basement door. So the skin walker that could burst through doors earlier is thwarted. Mirial, by the way, at this point has apparently gotten bit or scratched or something by one

of the monsters in one of these shaky scenes. It was that bitch. Almost a defam buyer. Yeah. What a bitch. So, yeah. So Brian promises they won't all die in the basement. But then they get down there and wouldn't you know it? There's a goddamn Satan symbol down there. There you go. Now, luckily for us, we recently did the law enforcement guide to Satanic cults. And we know exactly what this means. It's goat sacrifice. Goat sacrifice. I just got it. Got it. Yeah. Now luckily for them, the doors are all locked, you know, the doors that lead out of the basement into the outside world.

They're all locked, but there is a creepy crawl space. Maybe that'll help. Yeah. It's like Brian. Brian's like, okay, we're safe. The best thing for us to do would be to split up and for me to put myself in a confined space. It's really the best thing. Yeah, so he goes out into the crawl space

and she worries out their demonning again, you know, or something or maybe this can, who the fuck knows? Cause the demon's the monsters all look the goddamn same. Now that the vampires gone There's no difference exactly. So she already turns into a demon again does a backwards crab walk and it is a very clearly not that actress It is a dude and a bad wig who can do a backhand And she's like air I gotta be honest, I know this isn't just this movie, but the backwards crab walk thing that demons choose to do doesn't seem practical. I know it's scary,

but like, I'm just like, hey, you stopped using the bipedal thing. Good for me. I kick you in the spine. Yeah, it's easy to take down at this point. Right. Yeah, exactly. Also, they have a very, like blatant Blair Witch moment around that time where Miriel is like snotty-nosed and looking into a camera. They just blatantly take, take that famous scene from that, I feel like. Yeah. And they basically, they blatantly take the Katie Strickland scene from the grudge that says the same fucking thing. Yeah. Yeah. So, but luckily for them, fucking crackhead Brian is it, it's just just enough power in his God meter to say the Lord's prayer. Yeah. Right. To undemon her right he starts high on oxy

he's pretty tall the prayer and then she kicks everybody off and bites him in the camera he bites him square in the camera and now who now we're in a dream what happens now Eli tell us what happens now in the found footage film. The camera is now filming Brian's dream. What the fuck? It could save.

Yeah, so this is the party from the night before he's dreaming about the party from the night before but everybody's frozen so that the director could show that everybody that he knows how to do that bit too. And I guess what we're trying to get here is because she's a demon. He has to wrestle with his personal demons, which are personified by all the people he accidentally killed with his drug habit. Yeah. You know when you're a heroin dealer and you accidentally give people heroin that's too good. Yeah. Everybody films at the mouth and blame people for their death.

I mean, I gotta say I've done an awful lot of drugs. If my demons ever came back to haunt me, they wouldn't be dead people. They'd be people who lost a job. They'd be people that like, I had to work that next day and you fucking knew it, dude. Yeah. You fucking knew it. Oh, crazy billionaire remake. We do this with all the people we exposed to drugs. Yeah. A girl holding up a bag of tostitos.

I ate this entire thing. Eli. Sorry. I just couldn't stop thinking about my daddy issues. We were tripping on ayahuasca. So yeah, he sold them the drugs that killed them. That makes him his fault. Their death that is the way that, you know, clogged arteries are the fault of the pigs. And then she unbites him in the camera, I guess.

Right. And they they finished the prayer. Yeah. Yeah, that's the important thing. They finished the Lord's Prayer and undemann her and she shakes and explodes. And I just want to point out we've taken out two of these monsters in the last eight minutes. These are some weak ass monsters. And they're all going to take it out in the same way, aren't they? Yeah.

Yeah. Who's the fixed to the face? Yeah. Who's the seems to be the going stab in face with Crucifix. I mean, let's be fair. As far as practical advice goes, stabbing someone in the face, awesome way to get them out of your life. Absolutely. I've never seen that person again. And you might as well use your Crucifix. You might as well cover your bases. It's like, it's like, it's like Pascal's wager. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And this is also fun fact. Why we're back?

It doesn't like to see your exes. She stabbed them all in the head with a curse. Absolutely. Absolutely. So and I also want to point out that there's a bunch of like, okay, so Brian does the Lord's prayer. Then Devon scream praise, but he doesn't know any prayers. So he's just yelling like Jesus was on the cross and then he died and

haven't. And stuff. And there was it was a pretty shellfish. So with the demon part out of the way, we think anyway, Miriel awakens from the weird demon trance that she was almost showing her boobs through. Yep. Yep. Man, they've really tried archer back archer back archer back. I know what you're going for guys. I'm not gonna arch my fucking back. Yeah, exactly. So they're looking around and Jamal's gone.

He got eaten by a monster or something, but there was this great moment though where like he walked up to him and he's just got blood just pouring out of his bag. He's like, I think maybe I should go to the hospital. No, I don't think I don't think that's going to do the trick. Maybe I should call my doc. Oh, my phone is in the car. Damn it. Some tossing in it. I'll run some tossing in it. But yeah all right. Some tossing in it. Yeah.

But yeah, but the skin walker's still there. They need to run. Brian doesn't want to leave Jamal behind, but he can be talked into it fairly easily. Very easily, which means the black guy does die first. Yep. Yep. Yep. They do go ahead and kill Jamal off at this point.

Also, Brian gets separated from Muriel and Devon. They go upstairs. He has to hide somewhere in the basement from the skin walker apparently. Right. And this is where Muriel begins the long, long process of vomiting blood for a solid 20 minute. It's really insane. Yeah, they don't, they don't just give you a little bit of the no demon sperm vomiting.

No. We also, again, I should point out we're going back and forth now between Brian's head camera, the camera that apparently devins carrying around as well. And the POV, the fucking body cam on the werewolf. Yes. It's still operational. He has to turn this into his sergeant later. Even though he has shapeshifted. Yes. Yes. It is a stretchy body cam strap. I just want to say I am really excited for the clips later of like this camera footage being posted on Facebook a bunch of white people being like, well, it's obvious Jamal was going for his gun.

What do you expect a man to do? Defending the werewolves is just on trial. It's off paid for three weeks for eating Jamal. Oh my God. Yeah. So we watch Brian like, you know, hide from the wear wolf a minute, because you know, hiding is interesting to look at. And then we cut back to burial, blood puking more.

Right. And then this is where Devon is like, okay, I'm going to go really got a, it eats as though he's breaking up with her because she's going through vampire. Yeah. You know, I know you're going through a lot right now, but like I gotta work on. I gotta focus myself. Yeah. Well, and this is also where he, as he's walking, he's like, yeah, no, you're totally going to die. Now, that was part of my plan the whole time. This is where the movie is going to, this is the hint that this movie is going to try to tie it all together with a clever twist ending.

Keep that in mind. Put a pin in that. So meanwhile, Brian is still in the elsewhere place that he was. He's wandering through a hallway, hallways trying to get somewhere and this is where he finds dead Muriel. Well, not dead. She's been turned into a pop scare. Why the hell? Right. So he kills. He's sad that she's dead, but then she turns into a vampire and there's just this amazing moment. I know not everyone watches the movie with us, but it is worth watching this movie for

the eye. You run at me and I swipe at you with the steak and then you grabbed me and throw and I dive roll. Right. And this is where my award for worst choreography. Oh my God. This was so fucking stupid. This was like watching like one of those, you know, the early Nintendo 64 POV shooting games. Absolutely. This is

like gold. And I. Yeah, exactly. Well, yeah, but let's not be a smurge. Gold. But yeah, exactly. Graphically speaking, it was golden. I, yeah. So, yeah, yeah, but the, the point here though is Brian didn't want a stabber in the face like that with a wooden stake, but he's no pussy. Sometimes you got to stab a bitch in the face with a wooden stake, right? And then she turns into the exact same corpse that the vampire girl was earlier. Yeah. Same maker. Just in different clothes. Also, I just want to point out, if you believe in God, you can stab as many people you want. Yeah, just stabbing. Yeah, the power of Christ compels you to stab people in that. So meanwhile, the werewolf still wandering around wearing

his body cam. And he's chasing someone. I'm pretty sure it's Brian. Yeah, who the fuck even how could you know at this point? But yeah, but it would make more sense if it was Brian. Yeah. Right. And again, this is where Brian is like running from the werewolf for an obnoxiously long amount of time. He escapes the house. He makes it out through. He gets up to the top of the house. He jumps spine for 10,000. This is the second time we've seen someone go, how do I get out of the second floor window?

I know I'll lay on my spine where it's safe. Jesus Christ. But again, and of course, because the camera is powered by his consciousness, it goes out when this happens. But I do love that like he looks back up as the camera's coming back on. The monster is going to jump out the window too, because we have to see the totally sweet stunt shot, whereas buddy Steve totally jumped out of that window into a pile of leaves in the monster suit. Well, but also it's probably trying to harken back to the first scene in the movie.

See, I actually thought this movie was going to be really clever when the wolf jumped. I was, I thought we were going to see him be like, great shoot everybody. And it was all going to. Yeah. And I was going to be like, Hey, no, in Rebecca, we got to watch a new movie this week, because this one turned out to be good. No, no, no, no. This is all real.

This is the events of the movie. It's only going to get worse. Well, yeah, like starting by the fact that, okay, now the monster's chasing him again, he runs. He's outside of the house now, right? So he runs and hides behind a nothing. And surprise, surprise, the monster finds him so he goes Does he go back into the same house or does he run into a different haunted house now different?

haunted house A different haunted house ladies and gentlemen We have eight minutes left in this movie. We're gonna introduce a whole new haunted house to it at this point Yeah, and this one apparently has to this movie, we're going to introduce a whole new haunted house to it at this point. Yeah. And this one apparently has solid silver curtain rods. Oh, is that what Jesus fucking Christ out what that was? Yeah. Yeah.

See, he grabs the curtain rod and he makes it through the window. He doesn't go through spine first mistake. But what are you going to do? doesn't go through spine first mistake. But we're gonna do. Right. And he turns around and the wolf impales itself on these again, must be solid silver curtain rods. It's done. So Brian, you said I was stupid when I spent $18,000 on these curtain rods. Now comes an Andy who's stupid now.

Right. And no, you can't live there. on these curtain rods. Now it comes in handy. Who's stupid? Now, right? And no, you can't live there. So he goes into the house and now I want to, I just want to point out motivationally here for Brian, all the monsters are dead. Right? We've killed now the vampire, the demon, the skin walker. He is aware of that. And he's like, but while I'm in this other haunted house, any who, right? He's just checking it out. And he notices that there are, that the cameras from the other house, they all lead to here. There's a big surveillance thing. Oh, there's also satanic pentagrams and shit all over the walls here. Oh, similar decorator to the other house. And this is where

Devon walks in with a guy in a ram outfit. Yep. A goat head dude and tall jaw. Yeah. Meet giant ram. He's better at holding a boom. Sorry, I had to let you go like this. Yeah. Yep. So yeah, so and this is where Devon does his evil bad guy monologue and explains that this was all part of his plan. There's no way out. He brought him there to die on purpose and not even God can save you. And he then uses this telekinesis to knock out Brian. Because Devon had telekinesis, y'all, this whole time.

Now, luckily when he regains consciousness, I wanna point out this character is now lost consciousness There's enough times that like liver and die these e. S. Severe brain damage at this point. Yeah Yeah, yeah, fucking NFL players have nothing on him. Yeah, he's only future careers as a linebacker Jumping out of windows and bad back first. Yeah, so jumping out of windows and back first. Yeah. So, so okay. So, but he regains consciousness, which means the camera power is back up. And it's time for the good guy, bad guy dialogue, where it turns out the dev and never even really loved Miriel. He just needed a sacrifice for his demonness thing.

And I want to be clear if I'm wrong about this. He's like, don't you see? I was never making a documentary for people. I was making it for him. And then he looks up. Is he making a, I killed three people documentary for God? I think that's, I think that's what he said. God the DVD and be like, Oh, got you, bro. I think that's exactly what we're supposed to be getting from this. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. whole time. That is not the least clever way that's ever been done to us. So, yeah. So he's Satan and he's doing a ritual to awaken himself. They really didn't think this through. And this is where he offers up the devil prayer, which starts out, if I have this correct in the name of Satan, Luciferous Satan is Satan. And he devil devil devil. Yeah, never knew Satan had a middle and last day. Luciferous Satan. Yeah. What are you studying in your bachelor's degree?

Satan. So. And. All right. say, autonomy. So and all right, but Brian starts saying Jesus prayers at the same time tried to doubt drown on his devil prayers, which is where. I thought this shows up. And slits. It's like you can walk. She can walk. She's totally fine. She was really just there for pop scares apparently. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. The twist ending on this one was Martha wasn't dead the whole time. It's like the opposite of the six cents, which means that there was a meeting where Martha was like, hi guys, I don't want to be this person, but like I don't have a huge role in the rebirth of the devil. And I was just wondering like when they first come in the house, what if I'm like, I'll spooky in a chair. What does that have to do with the plan to bring the antichrist into the modern world? I mean, I guess it's not part of the plan. I just thought I'd have a beer. No, Martha, it's cool. That's cool. Yeah, you could do a pop scare. The director's mom. Martha. Yeah.

Also, I love here that, okay, at this point, like Martha kills him. He falls to the ground and they start doing the anti-crash ritual. And you can hear them saying that the anti-crash is shown up, but the camera is looking the other way. So they basically are saying, wow, the anti-crash looks super cool and expensive. Whoa. He's like, and wow, the anti-cris looks super cool and expensive. Whoa! He's like, Oh, those guns he has. He's like,

Oh, such an incredible battle. If only you could see it. He's just... And then you think the movie's over, but it's not. There's another scene that makes absolutely no goddamn sense. Which is? The... B B B B B B scene that makes absolutely no goddamn sense. Which is. Yeah, exactly. The camera wakes up in front of the world's creakiest door.

It very slowly creak, a comically creaky door. It very slowly opens and something monster falls near something or something. That would be demon Brian still wearing his camera. So we have no idea what that camera is, but that is okay. Wearing his camera, Brian has turned it to a demon now. Oh my God, but didn't take off his camera. So complicated. They were right. They're so complicated. Now it all makes sense. Okay. And then the credits, they have a bunch of like, you know, clips of the demons. And I was so hoping they were bloopers. Oh my God. That would have been awesome. Amazing.

They were like, just kidding. Sorry. Take that again. Marthy. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Uh, but, but, but it was so no. Oh, no. Oh, me. But, but, but what's so funny about that is that the clips they chose to use were all the, like, demon monster running towards you clips, which means that those were the ones they were most proud of. Yes.

And they didn't realize by editing them all in a row together that they were the exact thing. Exactly. Exactly. Makeup. All right. So traditionally horror movies have sort of a, if not a moral to them, at least a moral arc, right? Like, generally speaking, the characters are doing the wrong thing, skipping school.

And then that's when they get killed by the monster. So what's the moral of this story? What are we supposed to learn to not do from this other than watch this movie? Well, I learned that God can't save you in the devil rules. Don't work with your exes. All right. All right.

No, that's good. That's good. Okay. Follow up or maybe rephrasing of the same exact question. Why did this movie exist? Because people worked with their exes. I think I was pretty clear. Yeah, you were clear.

I don't know. I mean, there was a dude who had a bunch of GoPro's line around. Because my skateboarding career is over. Thanks to this broken egg. I'm a horror movie now. Yeah. I honestly think the entire impetus for this movie is Jamal and Devon sitting around going, you know, one way that we could see Miriel's boobs.

Yeah. This might just work. This might just work. Yeah. All right. Well, that's going to do it for our review. But before we get into the sign off stuff, I want to thank Rebecca one more time. Rebecca, so much fun having you on. We always love to have you.

Hathy had to go through this movie, but I'm glad you could entertain our audience through your misery. No, I loved being here. I always love being here. Thanks for having me. Awesome. And if the list is one and a little more from you, see a little more of you, where can they go?

You can go follow me on Twitter and Instagram. I'll tell you where I'm performing around New York City if you're in the New York City area. It's at Rebecca vigil with an underscore in the middle on Twitter. And then who is Rebecca vigil on Instagram? Awesome. And of course, we'll have those both linked on the show notes for this episode. Rebecca, thanks once again. And while that does it for our review of the monster project, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to sucker ourselves into doing this again. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, now that our Halloween's booktacular has ended, I thought we would head back to the world of Hindu with Bangladesh. Oh, good. We haven't had enough in fantasy.

I'll cartoons of late. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 116 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Rebecca for hanging out tonight. And a perhaps even a huge or thanks to all our Patreon donors for helping make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the orange, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby, you're an early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review

on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Atheist, the Scapter Crowd, and Sightation Needed, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever else podcast live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nicolom Evil Drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week.

For Heathen, right, Neelye Bosnick, I'm No Illusions, promise and a work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club club. Now Chocula's response to the go daddy ad was ignored, because he's black. Everyone was way more honest in the future when they recommended movies to Eli. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great.

And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. And that said that they were great. I think this is a Christian movie! I didn't like this whole fucking movie for nothing! I think I would have to do something with it. And, great Christian movie is Starship Troopers! Great Christian movie! Because someone says, oh god, in it!

I'm not people! You know how the show works! Who knows how the show works! The Proceeding Podcast was a production of Buzz on a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017 all rights reserved.