God Awful Movies - 117: Bal Ganesh

Episode Date: November 14, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of Bal Ganesh, the charming children's cartoon about lopping the heads off of toddlers and making children out of eczema flakes. --- Come see us in Australia! https://www.thinkinc.org.au/skepticon-australia/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

So shows up at some god thing or something starts smashing shit attacks the gods take some prisoner It's such a weird moment too. He just shows up and he's got the big axe and he's just like fuck up your bench Okay, you have way more benches Expect this seems less impactful now like I was gonna do all this just benches there's like nine benches in this guy wow it's a lot of bench okay I'll tell you what bring me something that isn't a bench and then I'll go back to the benches Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be universe that is the Hindu religion, in which case we become equal opportunity atheists. I'm your host Noah Luzhens and sitting in my immediate left is my good friend Heath

and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. Let's talk about killing babies. Yeah. I normally do a thing here. Let's get right to it. Kill some babies.

All right. Well, this is I should warn the new listeners. That's going to be a joke later. Later on, you're going to learn that he didn't want to move in the movie. The idea of telling baby killing. So now that we've made our podcast seem normal to the new listeners, let me finish the intro. It's your sitting 81 miles to my right. This is my bad friend, Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I mean, now that you've limited that we can only talk about baby killing in the movie, I feel creatively restricted for being honest.

New listeners, welcome to the show. Like to just get you in feet first. All right. Well, Eli needs a minute. So while he's recovering from that unexpected slight tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched Balganish. It's the story of some early Hinduism guy just making shit up when he got asked about the gods

with animal heads. And how that happened. It's just an hour and 45 minutes of some guy lying like a six year old about that story is animal heads Yep, and Eli how bad was this movie Well, if you like Tom Sawyer, but you miss all the decapitation you Will love this movie. It's like, it's like, duct tails meets duck dynasty. It's just like, very clearly a kids movie and also very clearly not for children. It is a very strange.

Yeah. Well, see, that's the problem we're going to encounter and try to break this one down. No matter what we do from time to time, it's going to sound like we're telling you about a dream we all had. Right? Like that's invo, it's unavailable. It's two insane. So we're going to try to our best to make this a cohesive episode. But when we say shit like, you know, so the green guy, mockery, and us, the toddlers head off and three headed Santa is super disappointed.

You just have to roll with us. Those are all things. That's a thing that that's a moment from this film. Yeah. And it's also weird because like throughout this movie, I feel like it would have been way more enjoyable if I didn't constantly have to remind myself that millions of people think this is true. Yeah. And I'm sure when someone in India sees us talking about like the boat and Jonah inside the whale. It's a there going through the same experience, but it's an I'm just I grew up with Jonah in the whale.

So it's weird that like there's an Indian kid being like, yeah, can Ash got his head cut off and they found an elephant for play. I don't understand why this is hard for you. It's a story. Everybody believes that you're kind of a jerk for saying it's not true. I don't know. It's so stupid. This is where the whales on a turtle.

It's dumb. Yeah. So it was it was a it was a big fish. Yeah. You know, but but point taken. Yeah. Exactly. Game of Thrones is way less enjoyable if someone believes it's true. Now, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I would. I would best worst. Most of the movie is really bad CGI walking. All of the movie, it's like an hour of the movie. Yeah, exactly. All the movies really bad CGI half of it is walking. Yeah, we should point that out at the outset.

This entire movie is a cutscene from a 1993 video game. Like just just after they started using video clips of people and just before they could make video games look good. That's the golden zone of animation. Absolutely. The whole time I'm just like pressing X like go. I just want to play. I want to play the game. So I was going to go with best worst. Ha ha, I'm a douche. Right? The entire movie. This is all just a series of stories about Lord Ganesha. And at every story, Ganesha is a complete dickhead. And we're all supposed to go like, he got him. And so I want someone to decapitate you and replace your head with that of an elephant. I want that spoiler.

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Well, that one worked. Well, and that's the thing too, right? Because like, you throw a weapon and the guy ducks, right? And the weapon goes over his head. It doesn't matter what weapon that was. You know, rather than you could be throwing a spear or an AK47, it does, if you can duck under the weapon, it doesn't matter if you throw a different one. Yeah, well apparently it does. Spoiler alert. Yeah, yeah, clear. Clearly, clear.

Clear, clear. Unduckable light weapons. Depends on what the axe is made of. Yeah. Okay, what about this antique cane? Well, depends on how twisty it is. It depends. There's a little brass knob. You're going gonna be distracted all right well I want to need a few minutes to figure out how one describes some of the shit we saw this week so we're gonna pause for a quick break and when we

come back we'll be diving headlong and all the homicidal fables that are Balganish not in not in it's time for the great race. Yeah, race. Gogneesh. Woo. All right, ready? Set. Go.

Yeah, go. Gogneesh. What is this? You have walked around your parents. Yeah. Yeah, what the fuck is that? Oh, you see, my mother and my father mean the world to me.

Bullshit, cheating, cheating, and not that. And thus I encircle them, which means I encircle the world. No, no, boo. Boo, you know the rules. We boo. Brother. Going around the world. I have returned.

Have you won the race? No, no. He fucking walked around your parents like an asshole. Nothing. Oh, do you not see your brother has already what? Poor shit doesn't count. I think we are both winners. You can all fuck yourself. This is bullshit. We must We're back for the breakdown and before we dive into this fever dream, we're going to open on a disclaimer that says, all right, guys, look, the stuff in this movie is true,

but a few minor liberties may have been taken. Right. And we should be very clear about this. This movie is not going to be like, look, this whole cutting off in the elephant head thing. That's us embellishing a bit. They are admitting that they embellished because Lord Ganesha, the elephant god will have a mouse friend and do sweet, sweet extreme sports in the snow. Yeah, right. The liberties they're talking about. Yeah, exactly, exactly. The other shit is real, but yeah, he didn't actually carve the half pipe on his mouse guys. Right. That would be silly.

Some of this is the religious canon and some of this is extra footage from snow dogs. You make your truck a little bit of the cool spot commercial. Seven up. Yeah. There you go. And okay. So we start off with this brutally painfully happy theme music to a poorly CGI mouse shaking its ass. By the way, hey, could we make these mice dance sexier?

Was absolutely something someone said during this production several times. Like he was that guy by the end of this movie. Yeah, we can make it. Yeah, it's a little sexy. Okay, we bumped it up like three times now. This is all right. Well, I would say you're at a two really a two, Jerry. What's the 10 for you, man?

Can you get a 10 in your desk? If I open your computer, am I going to see a 10? No. And again, we've got to emphasize how poorly done this is it's like it's like a Nintendo 64 video game about rats, but you set the controller down for a while to go get a sandwich. And this is what he's doing when you come back, right? So and this goes on for after by the way, this is like a nine minute sexy mouse dancing fighting with the credits sequence. Yeah. They clearly thought that this mouse was like the thing that's after the acorns in I.E. Sage or whatever they thought that was, you know, this is what we're going to mark it afterwards,

y'all. People are going to eat up sexy mouse dolls. Sexy mouse doll. Exactly. Exactly. It's got very realistic holes. Relax. Right?

We're going after two markets at once. You guys remember the end of Kirk Cameron saving Christmas? Do you think we could? What if we just upload that show? That was, I mean, that killed it. That was a great movie. And I should point out, we're not even through the credits. And I've written this and I'm like, my notes at this point are fucking insane. Imagine someone reading over these bullet points and trying to determine my sanity. These are the last three. A poorly CGIed mouse is shaking its ass. It's a rat-based video game where you set down the controller for a while. The credits and the sexy belly dancing mouse are fighting. You're even worse. Imagine if you read these to your past self and you were like, oh,

you want to know what you're going to do for a living? Three of the things that are your job in the future. Yeah. So eventually that comes to an end and we get that same rat who is apparently going to be our narrator. We won't learn that until halfway through the goddamn story. But he's trying to open a giant holy book and it's too heavy. So we get some like slapstick. And then he he praise it open. Yeah. Using Hindu rat telekinesis. My notes don't get more sane as we go. Y'all just a quick warning. All right. So so we open the movie proper at the highest peak of the Himalayas. And the narrator as we cut in is probably he might as well just go, you're probably wondering what the fuck is going on here. But this is apparently she was extended family. They'll live on Mount Everest.

I have a cow, Buddha, the fireball guy from Street Fighter and a fat or are all talking to the statue of Liberty's dad. So. Yeah, or that or that. Yeah, exactly. Oh, man, Street Fighter was missing some characters. They should have got not just dolesy them. They should have been other ones. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

All right. So here's where the story begins. One day Lord Parabadi asks Pink Cowdude to keep all the perves away while she's where the story begins. One day, Lord Paravadi asks pink cow to keep all the purfs away while she's in the bath. Okay. This is absolutely. I'm jerking off thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. Oh, good. I just want to be clear. There is no other reason someone's that worried about their own husband coming in on them in the bathtub. Yeah. So anthropomorphic cow is guarding when a long comes a green gadi and tin. Is the Statue of Liberty's dad.

Yeah, Statue of Liberty's dad. Yeah, exactly. He's, what's the actual, he's Shiva, isn't he? That's Lord Shivshanker. Yeah, Shiva. Yeah. Okay. So yeah. So he wants in, but the cow won't let him in. Cow's like, no, a par body was very clear on this. And he's like, hey, come on, man, I'm her legal husband. Right. Does she have illegal husband? I didn't get that. I didn't know that the rule was, if you're someone's husband, you're allowed to watch them bathe because I plan to use that for the amount of times

I've had a sponge blown thrown at me. So yeah. By the way, how badly did you guys want for him to walk in and she's just taking the wettest, most painful shit? She's just like, oh man, see, this is why I didn't want you to just, ah, we eat nothing but Indian food, dude. What did you think I was doing in here? I wanted that not at all, Eli. Also, circling back, which rights do you lose when you get married, which rights does the wife not have anymore? How does it work?

Well, this is India. So she never had any to be. Oh, yeah. It's about the same. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So the cowluts sheva through and he comes through to the Conan's going to chop somebody's head off now theme for some reason. So she comes in, he comes in, she's fully dressed standing

near the bathtub and she's like, oh god damn that cow. She's like, why didn't he stop you? And he's like, well, because I'm his boss. and she's like, oh, why didn't he stop you? And he's like, all right, I don't know how much for this. He's cow. You can't hold him to super high intellectual standards, you realize. So yeah, so she's all pissed. You know, she's like, I wish there was somebody who would whip that husband of mine's ass.

I bet if I made my own person, she's going to make someone who listens to her the reason for motherhood. Yeah. Only only for first time moms. So yeah. So she bathed and this is a very weird scene because she's fully dressed and bathing, but it's still super erotic until she start shedding her skin like a melting butterfly. Oh, I think she continued to be quite erotic until she start shedding her skin like a molting butterfly. Oh, I think you're continued to be quite erotic. She started rubbing mustard on her arm very

sensually. It's coming off in a crust pile. Yeah. Okay. So if she's rubbing mustard on her arm, it's way less weird. I just thought she rubbed her arm until it turned orange and started shuffling off for whatever. Yeah. I mean, look, I know being made out of a rib is bad, but being made out of exome scabs might be worse. If you can make a little boy out of skin flakes, see a doctor. Yeah, right. Exactly. So, yeah, so she lovingly crafts a child out of her discarded sunburned peel, and then

she prays that Pinocchio could become a real boy. And you have to fuck the mustard doll. You fuck it to life. Yeah. And then we get the musical number. In fact, that I'm pretty sure was called fuck this mustard doll to life. He trion goal. Guys, crazy billionaire money. I like really, honestly, one of you is a crazy billionaire like the city. Or will be right? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. So then she shoots a lightning ball into the mustard doll and sparkles into life. And that's how babies are made, boys and girls. In particular, fat baby Elvis. Yeah. Because that's what we're looking at now.

Is that, is that kid with a mallet, an artistic choiser? Is that doctrine? I don't. Was Elvis trying to look like baby Ganesh? Yeah, free and pre-elephant head. That's the good question. There you go. Yeah.

So, yeah. So mom's super pleased with the work she did. And then baby Danny McBride goes to rock the fuck out. Oh god. I think so the whole time that's all I could fucking see. I love it so much. He is so Kenny Powers. So he goes off boardlessly snowboarding, you know, like in the scripture to the sweetest tunes you've ever done. Imagine if Vin Diesel had pulled up next to this kid and like toss him a grenade and then he threw it at some ninjas. Yeah, we haven't talked about the music yet. It is insane.

Oh, it's fantastic. It's like a band of like old Nintendo characters are like literally they're using Mario paint like a live action version of all the Mario paint instruments like I wanted them to like pan over and we would see them doing that. At this moment, they're like in a garage trying to do Iron Man on Mario paint. Yeah, exactly. moment they're like in a garage trying to do Iron Man on Mario. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, so he's surfing around being awesome and shit and he comes across those other gods from earlier and they're plotting against him. They're like, ah, fuck, baby Danny McBride. He can go fuck himself. And he responds to this by throwing a snowball at cow dude and then doing a bugs bunny trick to make him run into a tree.

He trust the train tunnel. Yeah. Why are you running into the train tunnel? Why does why do people do that? That's not a good work. So all right. So now we've met him. It's time for mom to put her kid to the test. She says, all right, I'm going to take a long master patient.

I mean, bath again. Uh, you don't let anyone in period, not even your dad. This is the reason you are alive. Yeah, exactly. I would have given anything to see the crazy shit this lady is doing in the bath. I heard like 30 Elvis impersonators just going nuts. So, okay. So, but wouldn't you know what the same green gadi antin shows up again wants to come in.

And I love this moment too, because she was like, I'm coming in and the kids like, no, and he's like, who the fuck are you? And he's like, I'm her kid. He's like, then you're my kid. Get the fuck out of the way. It's always that awkward moment when you come home and meet your wife's eight year old son, Gardening the door. Our Southern listeners probably get it's always that awkward moment when you come home and meet your wife's eight year old son, garden, the doors. Our Southern listeners probably get it, but for us, nor the nurse, I mean, I just wanted

this argument to be the rest of the movie at this point. Like, if the entire movie is an hour and four, five minutes of that and being like, okay, move. No, can't like that. It would have been more and more hilarious by accident. Yeah. And it would have been better than the movie that we got. So but we learned here that Shiv Shankar is not above kicking a fat kids ass.

I thought I was kidding when I wrote little boy and full grown man fight. Well, you were not, but before we get to that, we have to, because the cow steps in, right? The cow is like, let me talk some reason into him. Hold on, Shiva. I don't, don't go crazy here. And the kids like cow do something or fuck off. So we get the, like, because we already seen once where he like moved out of the cows way, the cow fell, that was hilarious. So now we have a montage of that. We, with sound effects unrelated to the action. Yeah, they're just throwing in like the banana peel slipping sound effect, but there's no slipping going out.

They're just like randomly putting in weird. Try to listen. Yeah. Someone just bought the sound effects thing on iTunes and then pressed shuffle because at one point, it's like a chapter of an audio book is the result of someone's marriage stood over the summer snow. So again, that's closest with the with the Bowser toss, right? He grabs the cow, swings him around, tosses him off to the side. And then we cut to the jolly green person conspiring against that meddling kid.

He's like, fuck, man, he kicked my cows ass. Now who's going to whip that infant spas? I feel like this bath has really gotten out of control. Can I just say that? By the way, during these action scenes, they made cuts as if the actors couldn't handle the stunts. Yes, I want to be clear, this is a part two. But they had to like cut around stunt problems. That's what it appeared to be happening. Yeah, or, no, we can't have him bend over if you're looking at the left. It doesn't, it looks really bad.

There's always, there's always a set and a leg sticking out of his butt. It's weird. It's weird. So yeah, so she was sends back the three other gods to all kick a child's ass. and by the way, this is the Formatable army is how they were described. Yeah. Yeah, it's just three dudes They're not looking great and just three. Yeah Eli described them very. I had him as like an obese goblin

Starving guy from a charity commercial. I guess that was that was Dalsim. Yeah, but yeah, spikes and said right. And the ginger's have souls kid in a sundress. Yeah. Yeah. And we have to point out that even though there are only three of them, they mentioned that they're a formidable army. And so does the kid like we wouldn't notice. The kid is like, why are there so many of you here to take on me? And I'm like, there's three. There's, I can see, I know that you didn't get to animate the rest of this movie. And then you already had the voice acting, but you just cut those lines. You just do the fights movie. We don't, we can see. So, and then, and then we get this very long action sequence now where he's going to fight these three guys. He's going to go all Zack Snyder on their ass. Oh, I want Vin Diesel to remake this movie so badly.

Everyone constantly compliments Ganesh. He is super natural and he looks like Vin Diesel already, especially in the movie. It's perfect. No, yeah, you're right. So while this fight is happening, three headed Gandalf is meditating on a throne somewhere and physically, and like psychically notices the fight. The three headed king of the lawn gnomes does not like this one. See, I had it as three Santas one body. Yeah. apparently he thinks three-year-olds getting beat up is a bad thing. So he teleports down to talk some sense into everybody.

It's like, all right, well, the plot of this movie is terrible. I must intervene. This isn't going well. And we should point out how creepy this graphic is because only one of the heads emotes. So it looks like a dead conjoined triplet thing, right? Are you looking at the other two? Don't look at the other two. They're not. Somebody should make that lawn numb of the dead or partially dead conjoined triplets. I think that would be a good lawn numb. Yeah. I'm sure that's a great tab on porn hub. So yeah.

So he comes out, he tells the offer, middle, army to go away. So they do. And then three headed Gandalf starts talking, trying to talk some sense into Ganesha. But Ganesha's being a little douche because that's all he does. So he immediately gets in a fight with the kid. No one can talk to this child for more than 30 seconds without fighting it. Yeah, right. So yeah, so this will be the first of many like I'm going to make more and more complex weapons appear and throw

them at you. Yeah. We get the smokers oasis thing. Yeah, maybe rattles whatever. Then an oversized wrench, then a walking stick and antique walking stick that actually happens. Yeah, a wooden snake. It's like a carrot top routine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, when I just wrote in my notes, hey, mom, maybe you put a sign on the door or something so your kid doesn't have to fight several gods. Maybe you put a sign on the door or something so your kid doesn't have to fight several gods. So yeah, but he beats three headed Gandalf with his trusty mop handle. And apparently this action scene is not over yet because now Jolly Green regular size

person shows up and he's like, all right, enough of this you kick it everybody's house. I am going to do a sexy mockery to death dance. Yep. He's doing his, he's doing the haka. Is that what it is? He's doing the haka. The rug began thing. The New Zealand thing, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, weird calisthenics. He's angrily hopping to power up his trident, apparently. And by the way, somebody's awful nephew clearly did these graphics. Oh, yeah. They made this entire movie to prevent like a sad situation like possible suicide. Like, yeah, whatever. It's fine. I want to know, no, you can do it, Ricky.

You can do it. Uh, I can make them walk differently. I have a, I see I haven't gone right to left. I could have them go left to right if you want for 45 minutes. They can't bend over that way. I've gone to 45 degree angle. Could you do a 60? No, I'll jump you a dick. I mean, I could do a lot of angles. And while the green guy was dancing, I wanted so badly for autumn from 21 day fix to jump in there, make him do another minute of his. I don't think this is good for the know. they're making do another minute of he's just, oh, I think I don't think this is good for the know.

I'm a plant. You need to modify, follow cats, falls over, you see cat, not to do herself. Cats my spirit animal. Where's cats movie? So, so then we had underwater. Yeah, well, obviously, and Vishnu is there just innocently fucking with his

fidget spinner. When he senses a looming disaster, he says, uh, oh, she was doing the dance of death, which is by the way, this is the first time we realized that goofy look and shit was the dance of death. Oh my goodness. Man, now, now we know that Hindus have the least intimidating apocalypse, right? Me and the stars falling out of the sky, but we're just going to see Shiva like, I'm a carina, I'm a carina, I'm a carina. I'm a trucking guy. He's going to be real bad when I get finished.

Oh, shit. He's doing his cycle. Um, so yeah, I have to point out this moment. He's like, Oh, no, it's about to be a terrible thing. And his wife is like, oh, cool. Well, we'll go up there. We'll stop the dance of death. And then we can see my sister.

Yeah. And she was like, oh, do we have to see your sister? And she's like, come on, just a quick lunch. And she's just, she's always going through a thing. Her husband's always doing death dances. It's weird. I gotta be honest, it's just weird. You always want to hold my spinny thing.

I don't like that guy. It's just nice to know that the Hindu gods have the same fights I do. Just like, I would so busy. I don't know. I'm gonna give him a chance. Why don't you go to the lunch and I'll got this bag of chips. There's been a clip on it for a while.

I mean, we should finish that. I'll bring that. So they go up to the top of the Himalayas just as Shiva decapitates Ganesha with his spear. Yes, we watch a child get decapitated in this cartoon. And by the way, apparently children are full like potatoes because we see like the hat, the, the, the neck and the bottom of the head and everything. And it's just like skin across. Yep. Also, did you hate it? I mean, look, we've all been there. Don't you hate it? You have a fight with your wife. You kill your kid with a trident.

And she gets all mad at you. Everybody's ready to blame you. Yeah. No, she comes out and gives everybody a very stern talking to about killing her child. It was her fault. Maybe if you weren't such a dick about fucking privacy during bad time, bad time, Barbie. Put a lock on the door, get a little hook in an eye. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Just do another mustard fucking ceremony. It took like five minutes. Make another fucking voodoo dog, hit and fucking to life again.

You seem to enjoy it. Whatever. So yeah, but she makes it very clear to all the gods that have gathered around to watch her kid get killed that she's going to kill herself unless they fix her headless child. Right. And and and everybody's like, you can't like you can't fix this. My tried and chopped off his head. That's my whole thing.

My whole thing is if I cut your head off, it doesn't go. I mean, technically that's all weapons things, but mine is. I was very, I'm very insistent that there's no reuniting in the head and the body. I was really hoping the rest of the movie would be about headless fat baby Elvis. I got it. Oh, I'm floating head fat baby. Much better. One of the two of them has body cops. So there's so many things they didn't know.

I'll get on your shoulders. No, this makes way more sense if I get on your shoulders. So yeah, and so they, you know, she says fix my dead kid and everything. That's impossible. But then Vishnu's wife steps and says, I don't know. It seems pretty reasonable to me. And I was like, God, damn it. No, we got to fix that. Oh, guy, you know, we'll take her side.

This is why I don't want to see your sister. She gets us involved in the drama. Now you've involved me. Now I'm here a part of this. I'm in this fight now. These people are, I married you. These people are strangers. And then we get this weird moment where everybody's like,

how do we fix the head? Well, we could graft another kid's head onto his body. I mean, I don't know. I'd be a big, huge hassle. Well, John, yeah, but that's really. Randy. But yeah, I mean, that's that that's what they realized they're like, all right, well, we got to get a child's head. So we, what

do we do? We we've had a different child not using your trident. And then so they're going to the mustard, maybe. Yep, yep, yep, yep. That's it. But, but now keep in mind, any old dead kid had won't do. The kid has to be facing North. He doesn't want any of them south facing your smershamers on his kid's body. Right. And the mom needs to not be paying attention. So, you know, now I just want to go around India

sneaking into houses and facing kids North and rolling moms over. They wake up. Who did who moved? Who moved us? Are you saying his head's there? His head's still there.

His head's there. So, so the formidable army of three gods goes off searching for a head. And I have to know what they chat about. They're like, hey, so where do we find a baby's head? What do you guys say? Well, let's let's walk into the woods until we see a baby. Same page. Same page. Yeah, that's good. I'm the kids over in Darbonga have huge heads. We don't want a huge head.

We just want a normal size head. Okay. So I don't want to be this guy, but I would like to not Cut off the kids head. Is that okay? Sorry, I'm gonna do that now. I'll make sure mom's face in the wrong way. You're a new guy. You do you do Christmas Eve? No, I don't No, I'm not comfortable with that. And look, I mean, I'm embarrassed to admit this because this is the story of Ganesh and I should have known this was coming.

But when they walk into the woods, they're like, hmm, a deer head, no, monkey head. Oh, look, an elephant. I'm like a fucking elephant. Of course it's an elephant, it's Ganesh, but yes All they can find is an elephant so they behead a baby elephant and come back with that Which That's a weird part untold part of this story right where the mom elephant wakes up and it's just like

just like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, well, at the risk of having to write a different, different breakfast club close this week, I figured maybe they sold the little Danny McBride head

onto the elephant. And that's the untold part of the story. Oh, the Danny McBride's not doing much. He probably do that. Come on guys, crazy billionaire. Yes, Vin Diesel plays the Ganesh

But then Danny fried is his elephant Danny McBride headed talk inside kick. Yeah, it's better than the star and the star got made I'm gonna have to watch that at Christmas with my family I wanted them to keep getting all set to chop off the elephant head, but then the mom rolls over and sleep in the fuck. So good. This is ridiculous. We've had so many good ones. Now we got to go back to the beginning of a fucking level, find an elephant to be rest the movies. I'm just spinning a baby elephant. He's kind of North, Northeast now. He's kind of dude, stop you a dick. So yeah, so they come back with the elephant head. They're like, okay, so how does this work? They just set it here and then you'll throw a little magic lightning ball out of your hands. Yeah, no,

that's pretty much it. Just snap it on like a Lego man. So yeah, and then he comes back to life and this is creepy as ever love and fuck. Yep. And I wanted the dad to be like, don't worry son, she's going to really like the trunk thing. I don't I'll get into it. You're like six or seven right now, but just trust me, the dad did you favor by cutting your head off.

But uh, army, army guys, guys just real quick whenever I ask you for a for you to chop off a body part from now on I'm gonna mean human unless I say Just a quick note if I mean of any animal. I'll specify God damn it otherwise human though We're human while you're a cow, so I get We're human while you're a cow. So I get the rest of us are people and you didn't get a cow. So I feel like you're excuses and I don't feel like that works anyway. So okay so now we have good news. Well that we have to do the whole bit where like I was like, but you know the kids are gonna make fun of them for him and I was like, no, no, no, we'll go into a circle

blessing him and telling him how awesome he is like a Vin Diesel movie. And then no one will make fun of him. Yeah. I wanted one of the gods to just be like atheists will have a million statues of him in their home because their wife likes elephants and people will be like, are you guys Hindu? And it'll be like, no, she likes elephants. And they'll be like, is there a non God statue of an elephant? They don't want to be really awkward and quiet because that's what you do for a living now. So, okay, so that we cut to Ganesha getting extreme with his rat buddy. His buddy is a rat in a basketball jersey. Obviously.

Half pipe and ravine. Did Jesus have pipe ravine Noah? No. I've been ravine. Did Jesus have pipe a ravine Noah? No, that's what this religion is better. Yep. Here's a note I have, elephant face, baby riding a rat like a toboggan through the snow.

Hinduism has the best sentences. You're absolutely right. Yes. So yeah, we get a whole montage of them being extreme and awesome and yeah, we get a whole montage of them being extreme and awesome and, yeah, triple-axing it up. And then they go home to get something to eat him in the rat because we have to establish that this kid is a fat, ass greedy, gluttonous bastard.

Yeah, this made me very uncomfortable. The rest of this movie basically was me slowly becoming more and more suspicious that Heath is Balganesh. Because the rest of this movie, after decapitation, will be about a child search for coconut flavored dumplings. Okay, well, I don't like coconuts. Yes. So comparison. But yeah, and this is the first of many times where like he talks his mom, you know, he's like, Hey, mom, can I have something to you?

And she's like, Yeah, here's some fruit. And he's like, fuck fruit. I want dumplings. She's like, Okay, here's a few dumplings. He's like, I want more dumplings. And she's like, here's more dumplings. I want some for my mouse, too. Here's some for your mouse.

And then he takes the mouse's dumplings. And I'm like, how am I rooting for this kid? He's like fucking carton with cheesy poofs. For my family. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And then he gives the rat a lecture about being too fat.

He's like, yeah, maybe you don't want, you know, cut down on the carbs because you're gonna get lazy. Really? Fat baby Elvis elephant. You're gonna be a. Really fat baby Elvis elephant, you're gonna be a lecture about the carbs. It's like me giving a lecture about like anything related to health.

It's not. You know, no, he, if you're doing great, let's say you lost a mate recently. I did, thank you guys. We said that. What do you say? When you said, good job. You lost a little bit of weight recently.

I'm sure. Who was it? it's on the record, though. Definitely. We'll go back and figure out how many said that. It's exciting to catch some Japanese speed trains with you. All right. We'll obviously get more room in here. They go, they go normal speed when they're in the station. You're lucky.

It'll be, it'll be fun. So, all right. So he heads outside, he gets some, some dumplings, he heads outside and he hears the bad God's plotting. I believe to keep him safe, right? Like the snippet of conversation is, well, it's like, well, we got to make sure that nobody ever harms Lord Ganesha. So he's like, ah, I'm going to fuck with these guys. Yeah. And the way that he chooses to do that is he's like, ah, I'm going to fuck with these guys. Yeah. And the way that he chooses to do that is he's like, hey, cow guy, I have a riddle, but if you can't answer it, you got to give me a joy ride, which by the way, is my new way to propose

sex, by the way, I have a riddle. You can't answer it. You have to give me a joy ride. It's even worse. He says, you have to let me mount you and give me a joy ride. So yeah, no, this is clearly clearly, if you get this question wrong, Lord Ganesh is going to fuck you, cow, pressure's on. And his question is, this is, first of all, this is really some really dumb shit, right? Like, you know, like, you know, asking, if you can't answer my question, you have, like, what number am I thinking of? You know, come on. But his question is how many hairs are there on my pet rat? I mean, that's not a fucking riddle. That's just, that's just a stupid goddamn question. And the cows like, I don't know.

And he's like, I do. It's 10 million, thousand billion hairs. And he's like, I don't believe you. It's like, well, then you have to count him. And he's like, fuck, I am wrong. I'm like, nope, that's not how wrong. There's definitely not.. There's definitely not. And there's definitely not. 10 billion hairs on this thing. No, no, yeah, right. Right, exactly.

10,000 million. First of all, just say 10 billion. Don't be an asshole. It's weird. Nope, also wrong. There's not 10 billion hairs on a rat. I think in India, they go with that weird UK system of a billion being a million million or something like that.

So they don't have a billion. They don't have a billion. No, they do have a billion, but it's a million million or something like that. So they don't have a billion. They don't have a billion, but it's a million million is a billion in UK. Oh, it's not a thousand million. No, no, they just, yeah, yeah, exactly. We should, we should stop letting them use our language. The English. You don't get numbers. If you don't, what?

This will be a few years from the start with the marsh on Facebook. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Exactly. So, yeah, so, but, but cow guy can't get it right. So he gets to ride cow, got around. And at this point, I'm like, you know, I'm retroactively enjoying this kid getting beheaded. No, he's a dick. But luckily one of the guys comes out and he's like, hey, maybe you stop torturing us.

There's more dumplings inside and we know we know you love dumplings. Yeah. So they have often search of dumplings and I write in my notes, what the fuck is this movie about? I think it's about people being mean and distracting people with dumplings. And that's, you know, that's not funny. It's just, you know, people like those. And he sneaks into the house. And I completely expected for him to catch his parents fucking. He's like, or the dumbly, oh, mom. This is why he did me coming in to the fast. God damn it. Yeah. Get on. What are you going to do? That mustard. Don't worry, just let's run the ground. Because I like mustard.

At this point, I just wrote my notes, one hour left in this movie, guys, how much of it do you think is gonna be dumpling based? This. Also, also did baby Jesus get up to dumpling hijinks? No, Hinduism, better religion, throw it out there. So yeah, so they go off and search at the dumplings, they find them, but they're too high up.

Good National can't get to them. So he has to get on one of the other gods shoulders and they form a giant stack like, yes, they might as well put on a goddamn trench coat at this point, but he can't quite get to him and he accidentally knocks him down. And mom hears the dumpling platter of rattle and has to come in and find out what happened. Oh, she cut his head off with a trident. It would be so ironic. Dad comes home and she's just like, okay, this one's on me.

This is me. You are going to laugh actually. You know, you're going to make deal. I remember when you did the thing with the thing. Okay. Maybe we find a human head this time. I used a different trident. Same, same, same weapon type though.

You got to admit, that's pretty fun. But of course, Gennascha is a douche nozzle. So he blames the rat. Yeah. Right. This, this loyal rat that lets him ride on his fucking back despite him being way overweight for a toddler. And he's like, no, there's the, the rat. You see, he climbed up the fucking thing and knocked, he's a deck of this rat. We should kill him on. Nick cops his head off. Anyway, that's the end of that little vignette. There was a point to that story. Yeah. So now we cut to a 27 minute dance number. Yeah. Well, this is another sad nephew being like, I can make the rat dance too. I can make like five other rats dance too. But only five. Could you make them like dance all different?

Well, no. No, they dance the same. I mean, why would they not want you wouldn't want them dancing in unison? This, this music number could not be more random or long. Like every moment you think it's over, you're like, okay, cool little polywood dance. All right. There's a nope. Still going. There's another mouse is here. Oh, another formation. It is insanely.

Don't get me wrong. It's way more enjoyable than nine tenths of the Christian. Let me do right. Yeah. Well, there is a mouse shaking his ass and we can't overstate how much, how rump based this rat dance is. It's all in the ass. It is very sexual. Yeah. Well, suddenly the entire cast of step up to the streets runs in. All right. Oh my god. This is a long thing. So yeah. So mom comes out, she's pissed about all the music and the dancing.

She kicks the mouse in the face, which is literally what happens. And then she tells you explains to him that he needs to quiet it down with all these drums and dancing. His dad can't even hear himself meditates. Right. And you know, seeing the last time you pissed them off, he cut off your head, maybe chill. Yeah. Right. So, okay. So now another God comes along and he's like, Hey, I need to go into the castle and get us just like, No, my dad's meditating. You can't go into the castle or dance or play drums or any fucking thing. And he's like,

you want to fight about it? And he's like, of course, I do. That's what this movie is about. thing. And he's like, you want to fight about it. He's like, of course I do. That's what this movie is about. Yeah. Yeah. The central theme of Hinduism. I'm pretty sure after watching this movie is conjuring up random objects and throwing them in a children in a turn based dual. Yeah. Exactly. Hinduism in a nutshell. Yeah. I didn't catch this part, partial bomb. I think was this guy. Anyway, yeah, whoever he is. Yeah, he starts throwing weapons at Ganesha Ganesha starts throwing weapons at him. I'm like, I feel like we've been through this. But finally that the part partial rubber whoever it is, he's like, all right, you dodged my spear. You dodged my five glowing snakes. But what about this crazy cool golden axe?

But what about this crazy cool golden axe? Apparently not apparently he can't avoid that one. Nope gets smacked in the face And then and then jolly green giant god comes out and he's like oh dude Did you hit my kid in the face for the axe and it's like are you really yelling at him for a candy? Because you cut his head off like two seconds ago. Yeah, at least all he did was break a fucking tusk, man. Come on. And by the way, that's how he got his nickname, Indian word.

And I could tell that the people watching this who speak that language are supposed to be like, but it was just like, and that's how he got the nickname, Ignung. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's, that's my. I would, yeah, I would have guessed it would have been something like a golden ax in throwing at him. I have fucking barbarian. I felt that my, I got punched in ninth grade for make fun of a guy's girlfriend. So yeah, I get it.

Ignore. Well, obviously that's an important story with a point to it or something. So while we reflect on that, we're going to think of quick break. First, let me give act three of the hard sell here. What was in that shit, yo? Am I talking really loud or it doesn't just sound that way? And does my breath look funny to you guys? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the unexpectedly epic conclusion of... Balganish. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh man. Hey, Carl, what's up, buddy? Hey, just stretching out my back. My sister Edna's visiting, so I'm stuck on the sofa and my back is killing me. Edna, you rang.

Oh, Carl, who's this? I like him tall. Edna, this is Heath. Heath, this is my sister Edna. Hi, Edna. A pleasure. Care for a tubular room. No, I'm good.

Thanks more for me. Yeah, well, I was just saying, Carla, why don't you try a Casper mattress for your back? What's a Casper mattress? Like the ghost, met him in a party once real sleaze ball. He might have died as a child, but he's a nasty old man now. Let me tell you. And no, please, you're embarrassing me. I would all be such a funny, dirty.

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Now, why don't we get out of here and get a drink, your big lug? Do you drink water? I'm one third putt. Sure. Sure. Oh, and one time me and my buddy Steve were hanging out in front of a seven, 11. Hey, guys, and I, what, what, what are you guys doing?

Oh, we're writing a holy book. Yeah, for kids. I, what, what, what are you guys doing? Oh, we're writing a holy book. Yeah, for kids. Yeah, for kids. And, and he says, we should get an adult to buy us beer. And I'm like, I'm trying to, right? I'm trying to, right. Right. Why?

Oh, because we wanted beer. We wanted beer. No, no, I know why, why are you writing a holy book for kids of just boring shit you did as a teenager? Oh. Well, yeah, I, what with this week's movie, you know, oh, yeah, no, no, I guess, yeah, I guess that makes sense. Right. Yeah. So I say, who do we know who will buy a spear? And that's how the Cessko Hannah River got made. What? Perfect. Love it. Yeah. Makes sense. River got made what perfect love it yeah sense

And we're back for more of this shit and just in case we were in danger of not wearing the fuck out narrator rat is gonna pop up at this point and basically say okay guys Bear with me a little longer here. Okay. That was only like 52 minutes. You want to hear another story? I'm the narration rat. By the way, I don't know if you heard what's going on. So yeah, so he's like, did I ever tell you about that time? Ganesha made the river such and such. So he's like, did I ever tell you about that time? Ganesha made the river such and such. Let me tell you that story. And I'm like, yeah, what the fuck? You've been so good so far.

So once upon a time, there was a demon named something long and weird. And he was like all the demons in Hinduism, apparently, he was just a vaguely ethnic dude with things. Thanks. Thanks. And he was just a vaguely ethnic dude with fangs. Yeah. Thanks. And he was meditating so hardcore that he didn't even notice that French look crawling into

his asshole that they show at the beginning of that. That for me was the hardest part of meditation was the fucking bugs. Like seriously, in Hawaii, I did a bit of meditation with some zen guys and they had these fucking armored centipedes. They were enormous. They could send you the hospital with a sting like anaphyl shock. They were enormous like bright colored arm. It was terrifying.

Oh, yeah, but it was worth it for all the good sit and still. So because because one of the values of meditating, as we've learned from our previous Hindu experiences, if you meditate well enough, you get one wish from a genie. True. A God will come down and be like, Hey man, sweet meditation. What do you want? What do you want?

Yeah. Exactly. But this particular demon wants to be invincible. Yeah. And he really hits that W hard several times. He's like, I want to be invincible. Yeah, and he really hits that W hard several times. He's like, I want to be invincible. Ah, now I am in winsome. I will be invincible for it. And if you wanted one guy to just pop in, I'm so sorry, it's a Vince, Vince, Vince. Well, see, but I wanted to go the other way. I wanted to be like, I wanted to be super

pedantic about it and say, no, no, everybody can punch right at you. You will never win. What have been useful going to my shit kicking high school? Let me tell you, but yeah, we've seen this go wrong before. Also kind of a weak choice. Invincibility is pretty good, but yeah, to pick anything like any pat like flying mind control time manipulation, like you I'm picking something else. So now invincible demon is like I even I can take out even the gods now so he shows up at some god thing or something and starts smashing

shit attacks the gods take some prisoner. It's such a weird moment too. He just shows up and he's got the big ax and he's just like fuck up your bench. Fuck up your other bed. Oh man, okay, you have way more benches than I will expect. This seems less impactful now. Like I was going to do a whole thing, but it's just benches. This is like nine benches in this room. Wow, it's a lot of benches. Okay, I'll tell you what, bring me something that isn't a bench and then I'll go back

to the benches. I just want to throw out there again that this is the like eight millionth time across two movies we've seen Indra, the god Indra get the shit kicked out of him be useless. Are we here Indra's a god? Cause everyone who can sit still and think quietly for 45 minutes is immediately gone and punched him in the throat. Not worth naming a country after. Also, by the way, the demon has, I shit you not, a two-eyed, one-horned flying purple

people leader as a sidekick. He does. He does. That's real. That's real. Alright, so, yeah, but one God, so also the demon can breathe fire and fly and he's a giant. Yeah. Lord Shiva thinks invincible means a lot of stuff.

Or maybe invincible means also fire, really. Yeah, I didn't think about that. So okay. So he captures all the gods, but one. Now this is weird because from this point on, the whole story will be about gods that aren't captured, right? Like from this point on in the movie, we will be interacting with a bunch of gods, none of whom are captured.

But at this point, they say he's captured all the gods except for one who's hiding in the Southern mountains somewhere. Yeah. I had a feeling that this was sort of a grandma thing that after this story kind of sort of ends, we forget about demon guy like grandma telling a story. You know what I'm saying? Just sort of like that and then remember him at the end. Right.

And then the grandma like she realizes and nobody wants to talk about it because that means she has to move out of her apartment. So we're just like, grandma, I'm coming together. I don't want you living here. So yeah, let's take all the sharp stuff out of the, you know, you need nice carpet, soft, soft carpet everywhere on the walls. So yeah. So so demon guy is really pissed off that there's this one God hiding from in the South. So he goes to the rain god

And he says, Hey man, suck up all the clouds. No more rain in the South until that asshole shows up and turns himself in So rain god's like, yeah, all right. Well, I guess he told me to do it. I'm kind of a pleasure. So yeah, exactly He does it. Yeah, and and it causes a drought all in all of India. I'm kind of a plus or so. Exactly. He does it. Yeah. And it causes a drought all in all of India. Yeah. Because of it. I wanted Jesus to fly over be like, hey, you know what? This is perfect.

People are being super gay in like Florida and Texas. You want to spit those clouds back out? You're doing a drought thing. I'm doing a storm thing. This works out really well. I am just having a crazy week. So if you could do me this, I would really appreciate it. So there's drought all over Southern India. And this is where we meet Sage Augustius. Seems like an odd name for an Indian sage, but it was a weird

this movie takes a lot of right turns. It was like, and here we have St. Steve. How you doing? He's here to pray to Brahma. Yeah. Yeah. So he shows up. He does some prayers and some sacrifices and three headed Gandalf appears. And he's like, oh, yeah, I know you meditated the fuck out of that, man. What would you like? Uh, question. Does he sacrifice me so soup, Debrahma? I was thinking sacrifice is me so soup, Debrahma. That's certainly what I got.

And also by the way, here's what an idiot, they go on and on about how sage Augustius knows all things. This is what an idiot sage Augustius says. The God shows up. He's like, yeah, you meditated right. You can have anything you want. And he's like, I'm just curious why it isn't raining. I want to, if I want a three-head again,

I'll have to explain high-pressure systems to him and shet and then leave. But no, he says, no, you have to go to the south and see the cloud sucker, God. I wanted him so badly to be like, what do you want? And you be like, oh, I want a new shirt. No, I want rain, asshole. I want to soda. No, the fuck is rain. What are you talking about? Although I would take also soda. I mean, if you have one, I'm not saying no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but rain. So meanwhile, Ganesh and his mouse are up to their usual shenanigans.

The mouse sees a flower and is for some reason aroused. We will, this will not be explained, but the mouse is just screaming himself over this pink flower. He's gonna fuck the shit out of this flower. And I get it. That was a sexy flower. It was an attractive flower. I am not allowed in that florist anymore. But yeah, but of course, Ganesha is a dick. So he has to kill the flower

that the mouse was all excited about. Yeah, he slides down and smashes into it and fucks it. The rats actually mad. He's like, you always do this. I'm about to put my dick in a flower and you can fart. You know, he's ruined everything. You're the worst. Well, the mouse does that ultimate not cool kid getting picked on thing. He goes, when I get when I get a cold, I am with you, mouse, you and I went to temple together. K through eight. Oh, Jesus Christ, that's going to be reinforced so much in the next couple of scenes as well. So St Augustius happens by or sage Augustius rather happens by well the two of them are fucking around and

Ganesha's like, hey man, he's headed to South India. Maybe we should sneak around behind him and the mouse goes like, I don't know, man It's 1600 miles of mountainous terrain. I would get tired. No, no, no, let's follow that guy around drought, stricken India. It'll be fucking fun. It's awesome. Right after that, we'll start an atheist blog and bangled that. I have really good ideas out here in this jungle. Also, by the way, so like, Ganesh is like, oh, you're just being lazy rat. Come

on. Let's walk the 1600 miles. And then he gets on the rats back and they fly. And I'm like, well, of course, it's easy for you. You're not the one flying you do. Yeah. Also, by the way, when they're out here in this jungle, I really wanted them to run into a mom elephant, just dragging around her head and baby. Just like, ooh, awkward. Wearing a veil, I'm sorry, you look so familiar. Yeah, crazy. I'm one of those elephant faces.

All right, gotta go. Oh, oh, oh, so but unfortunately, no, instead they just follow, they sneak follow, say,

jagustia for a little while. This is racist, by the way, not everybody who has an elephant head on a baby looks the same for different people. You're a racist, elephant mom. I also want to point out how sage Augustia prepared for his journey to drought, stricken Southern India. He brought a camel back. He's like, scary in this tiny, tiny little bucket full of like four cups of

water everywhere he goes. There are skeletons in the desert that have died of thirst and he's like, no, it's good. I basically, I've basically got a court. He gets to the top of this hill and it looks like he, I know this is what the movie's supposed to be, but it looks like he remembers he's going to need more than a quarter of water. And he's just like, I don't want to go back to the memory. That guy's going to ask me to sacrifice some more mezzo soup to him. And honestly, I only got the mezzo soup because I got the lunch special. So. But so he sits down and he's like, oh, I'm never gonna make it in time. And Ganesh is like, oh, this is gonna take forever.

I have a brilliant idea on how to make this quicker. I will turn myself into a bird, which, first of all, if you had that power the whole time, you've been working way harder than you had to at the sneaking shit, but I will turn myself into a bird and knock over his water. Yeah. So he does that. He turns into a bird and knock over his water. Yep, so he does that. He turns into a bird and flies up.

First of all, when he started flying, I wanted him to have a giant elephant head and just immediately crash back. Oh, yeah, I'm just flapping desperately trying to drag ahead of the wind. Floor. No, I'm a bird. I am a bird.

Stop. You guys stop now. He knocks over the water and a gust is like, oh, fucking bird. And he's like, no, no, no, look, see, it's a river now. Yeah. Well, he immediately turns back into Ganesha, which really makes you wonder why the fucking needed to be a bird to dip that over. He could have just came over and said, hey, I'm going to turn this into a river, dude. But he had to be a dick about it apparently. That's just his M.O. I had this whole skit worked it. I forget why I was the bird. Now, it feels dumb that I could have just come over and been like, would you like me to

turn that into a river? But I was a pun. It was, Oh, you were supposed to say I was foul. You were supposed to say I was, but that would have supposed to be you. So let's do a run. We're going to run it one more time. Put the water back. Put the water back. So yeah. So yeah, by spilling the water out of the suburb, he created a giant river. And that's how he created a giant river and that's how he created a giant river. That's the moral of that story. And he says the Kavari River will bring prosperity to everyone near it forever. Yeah. So nope.

Nope. No. Everyone in southern India is not crushing it right now because of being next to the Kavari river like this thing. They're just not close enough. Oh Kavari River, like, it's just close enough. Oh, okay. Yeah, right.

Right. Now you people right next. Yeah, you actually, you actually have to dangle your feet in the water. Of course, they'll dissolve while they're in there. It's quite polluted, but you have to, yeah. So, okay, so with that out of the way, we had back to the temple for a different story. Apparently, Ganesha has good news. He's going to have a baby brother and he's got some candy that's just. Yeah, it's the weirdest. He's like, I have a

baby brother and the other gods are like, oh, so you're giving out candy? That's a, he's like, no, you can all fuck yourself. This is for me. Yeah, candy. He seriously Hindu Cartman. Yeah. He's like, his Kyle's candy feels so good on my. So yeah. So we cut to the mouse, telling us how much he loved his little brother. Of course, they did squabble now. And again, because Ganesha liked to hang out and read scripture, but his brother wanted to play sports and fuck girls. Yeah. I really wanted to flash forward here just like 20 years later. Ganesh is rich and happy and little brother lives in his garage. But still drinks with his high school football team.

Once scored four touchdowns in a single game. And let me tell you some little brother. What big brother you always think, Skimmy. Yeah. Let me tell you some my little brother my big brother you were sick scabby I Used to work for him, but I was inappropriate Everything so PC these days I'm gonna go workout on this weird bench press I brought brought in the one month I had money, but that's it. All right, so now we cut to Ganesh. Ganesh is on a bench swing.

Oh, no, he knows that guy. I got some Google stocks in my libaba. Yeah, well my portfolio, I got a 45 and a 25 and a 25 and a 10. Yeah, it's my liquid assets. So in life. So now we got to goodness. He's on a bench swing. He's eating more candy. And his mouse would really like some of his mountainous sweets, but fuck him. He's a dick. Oh, fuck him. Share it with your mouse friend, Ganesh. This is why people murder you.

Yeah, right? Exactly. So his brother shows up flying on a little peacock and he's like, Hey, brother, let's go out for a swim. And Ganesh, like, I don't know. I'm being fat and lazy at the moment and that's working out really well. So should we also you want to address the elephant face thing? Sorry, never mind.

I'm not there. No, no, no, maybe dad'll cut your head off too eventually. And you will also look different. So, but they get into an argument about who's more powerful here at this point. Like so he's like, you know, well, you always just sit around eating candy all day and you're fat and I exercise all day and I'm not. And Ganesh is like, God, man, fuck you. I could beat you in a race.

And then the Narayan guy shows up. Man. No, I am. No, man. It's like, hey, you guys should, you should have a race. Yeah. Yeah, you should have a race. Yeah. Yeah. You should both, but in circle the world three times and whoever finishes first is the winner and is the most powerful.

No, like, yeah, okay. Okay. That's not bad. Well, but were you just standing there this whole time watching us eat? Where were you just now this whole time? Don't worry about it. No, I'm not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no them off for their thrice transglobal foot race. Um, and I should point out again, they start this race. Ganesh is on his mouth. His brothers on his peacock. They're not doing

the fucking work. Right. But so they, they hit the starting gun, both of them go to take off, but Ganesh doesn't even leave. He lets his brother get ahead of him. He stops. And then he just walks around his parents three times because his parents mean the world to him. So if he encircles them, he encircles the world, get it? So stupid. The worst, the worst. By the way, I'm pretty sure he only did two laps. He was supposed to do three.

Yeah, no, did the cartoon get tired? Was one of the laps a bad take? What the fuck happened? Fucking Ganesh, the millennials, fucking, dispotation trophy asshole. You know what? He met by three times around the world, dick. Yes. I'm so like, it's all about good sportsmanship, right? Mom, no, fuck you. This doesn't, this is not kid. People need to lose it stuff. Yeah. And he and Eli spent an entire car ride calling in agreement about this the other day people have to lose yeah, and this Ganesh is the beginning of the problem Next thing I know Ganesh is gonna tell me about how only four people showed up to see his band

But it's great because they had a fantastic side doesn't matter Matter Ganesh Go go do something that matters, but we're gonna soup kitchen you piece of shit, Ganesh. I'm telling you how many fucking spoons you have. So yeah, so he walks around the parents and then... Ganesh taking a self-care day. What did you do that you need self-care? I'm just having a hard time.

Why? Stop. Stop. Do better. You suck. All right, I was feeling I thought my inbox felt a little empty. So, so Narayana is like, yeah, no, that totally you was around your parents. That's a totally counts. You everybody wins. Yeah. Well, right. And that's and then the brother shows up and he's like, Hey, I just finished going around the world three times. Wait a minute. What the fuck here? What happened? He's wearing the the Hula thing. And I did. I feel like I won. He's like, no, no, it's it's,

it's, um, yeah, he won. He's like, was it some kind of trick? He's like, no, it wasn't a, yeah, well, yeah, it was a trick. We, we both get burgundy ribbons. You know somebody gets a blue ribbon, somebody got a gold, every else lost. There's winners and losers in the fucking world. And then those losers try harder. That's the point. They try and they become nervous wrecks, but they're effective nervous wrecks. That's the point. They're good.

They're better nervous wrecks. It's not about whether or not you're happy. It's about if it all turns out okay for everybody. We get rid of welfare and tax rich people less is what we're saying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? You know what helps. You know what helps in a situation like this is a mouse and a stocking cap bursting through ice like a rising zombie. So that's what happens next. That did help. That did help. Yeah, right, right. No, exactly. Took your mind off of what you were thinking about anyway. And he's here to

tell us about the time Ganesh got in a fight with the moon. Yes. Yes. The drunken mouse just sloshes up to us and go, I I'll tell you about time I break and I should beat up the moon true story true story one night Who's riding me like a skateboard he got he did a lot of that back Drunk mouse Noah is a character now Drunk mouse Noah is a character now So he's riding along on his mouse one night under a full moon and a snake comes out and trips the mouse by accident They wipe out and the moon turns into a human and starts laughing at him. Ha ha fat elephant kid fell down And basically he's he grabs the snake and he's like flossing his ass with the snake. What is that?

Yes. And my the snake could not be more emceiquious here. The snake is just like, oh, I am so sorry guys. It's middle of the night. I was in a hurry. My wife's sick. I just going to pick her some stuff up from the pharmacy. I was heading back. I didn't see you guys and he's like, no, I'm gonna floss my ass with you. I'm sorry. I'm gonna floss my ass with you. I'm gonna floss my ass with you. Fuck you, thick. Fuck you.

And fuck the man, I destroy the moon. You know what? No more moon. That's it. Yeah, except. I'm gonna rub the moon on my ass too. This is what happens to me. Yeah, you get rubbed on my ass.

Yeah, so the moon laughs at him some more. He gets pissed and he's like, you know what? Fuck it, moon. I curse you. You don't get to be shiny anymore. And the moon's like, fuck, man, that is all I've got. The shiny. The moon like sends out an apology on Twitter mentions that he's gay. He's like, oh, oh, God. That's a weird, that's weird timing, moon. She was just saying we're recording this in advance. That was topical when we recorded it. So I probably still will be. Yeah. So yeah. So, but also I think this is fucking hilarious too. Kinesh at this point, he starts chewing the moon out. The moon shows up and it's like, dude, I am so sorry for laughing at you. And

Ganesh is like, Hey man, you shouldn't make fun of people's physical attributes, which would be like Eli saying that. All he's done through this whole thing is, Hey, man, you shouldn't make fun of people's physical attributes, which would be like Eli saying that. All you stuff through this whole thing is, Hey, stupid looking cow. Hey, stupid mouse. You guys get half my food. Don't make fun of people. That's not nice at all. So Ganesha half forgives them the moon.

That is. So now the moon gets to be dark half the time and light the other half the time. And that's why we have lunar phases because the cobra trip to mouse and the moon gets to be dark half the time and light the other half the time. And that's why we have lunar phases because a cobra trip to mouse and the moon laughed at an elephant boy fucking duck. Is that a new story about the moon works? Oh, it basically was like Neil the grass. Titans full of shit. Y'all that's you can't trust anything.

That man said, man, what if I just orbit the earth and also rotate it would do We're doing the on-off thing Shut up We agreed and that's that story now The narrator pulls up in his alpha Romeo to his polatial Beverly Hills estate That's a thing that just happened. I'm not switching movies. I didn't accidentally graph the end of one episode onto the beginning of a different one.

That's the next thing that happens in this film. If the mouse fucked his sister and put his face in a giant pile of cheese, I would forgive everything. I just this, I love this so much. By the way, this is such a small thing, but they have the mouse in this like super sexy sports car and he pulls up and he gets out, but the sound effect of that car is clearly a junker, right? He pulls up in this like alpha romance. It's just put put put put put put put put. Yeah. So yeah, but the, the rat is rolling.

He's got a briefcase full of dollars. And he's like, Hey, speaking of having a lot of money, that's what the next part of this movie is about. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, so now we're going to meet the God of money, whose name I never caught, but we meet him in his gilded sky chariot finally they did a segue that made sense Sports car okay, like I see what he's going. Yeah, yeah, those were just naked and it was ridiculous And might cap on Um, so yeah, so this the money God shows up at At Shiva and par bodies place and he's like hey, man

Maybe you guys should come out to dinner at my giant house and look at all my awesome stuff sometime. And they're like, oh, this guy's such a dick. No, no, just can't, can't. Is that a dick thing to do? I thought that was delightful. I was like, yeah, bring me to your house. It's nice. Right. Showing your money. I love that when people do that. I love rich people. I want to. They're the bad. You know what's bad going to a poor person's house. You go to a poor person's house and you sit on their bed slash, couch slash dinner table. That's not a good time. Yeah, but, uh, Lord, she was a dick about it. All of a sudden, he's like from Southy Boston. He's like, you think you're better than me motherfuckers.

I want to go to your nice cast, your fancy castle. You can take my super annoying fat kid, though. Yeah, right. Well, yeah, because good ashes ears perk up at the thought of dinners. So he's like, yeah, I'm going to go work out in my weird bench press. My wife is going to smoke while he just dates a eighth baby. But you can take my kid. Yeah. He'll be perfect for that. His ass gets super chafy though.

Here's some ointment. You have to put it on for him while he's there. So yeah, so he doesn't get Shiva a par body, but he does get Ganesha. So they go back to his palace. The mouse by the way is super fucking impressed. The mouse is like, guys, this is way better than the top of the Himalayas. We should maybe, maybe think about this.

I just wrote, my God, that looks like Tom's house. I have to cut that to. And basically, in this place, there are basically like, thrones on the throes, there's gold leaf on the gold. The mouse is just creaming himself over the opulence. And the food, they got white squares and those dumplings and bananas. Yeah, no, I wrote, they have cubes, pyramids, triangles, tetrian rings, all the D&D dice. Sugar cubes are so good.

So simple, so good. So simple. So nobody serves those enough. Oh, always put LSD in them. That weird some up. Um, so either way, they taste good. Sorry, I just got here from 1977 guys. They put LSD and sugar cubes. The absent in this fancy.

Can't join me at a speak easy. We can find ourselves a Lusca next down it break neck point racial. So okay. So now it's time for the voracious appetite montage, which will go on for oh 15 minutes. Oh God. Yeah, it's like at a certain point of the money guys just like, you know what dude, just keep feeding them. See how long it takes them to seven himself to death. In case you were worried that the gluttony montage would be short, no need to fret. There's another 10 minutes. As a matter of fact, at a certain point, he eats all the food and he's still hungry. So he starts eating like the utensils and the benches and whatnot.

At what point, at what point he finishes, they're like normal amount of food that they had ready. And he's, he yells at a servant. Ganesh is like, about more food, quick, quick. And they literally had to cut because they couldn't make the CGI servant walk faster. He's like, he's like, all the way across the room, he starts where they cut and he's right here. Yeah.

Right. And then finally he turns to his host and he's like, bring me more food. He's like, you have eaten all the food. And he's like, well, then I'm gonna eat you motherfucker. And he's like, oh, this is a weird way to repay generosity. What question? That's the moral of this religious story.

Don't feed people. I take things that don't be rich and generous. Yeah, I don't know. So the money guy goes back to sheve, he's like, oh my god, take your glut. This fat fuck of an elephant kid back. I can't feed him enough. I heard a lot of these.

Oh, I overheard a lot of these conversations as a child. They stick with me. You got to, you know, are you marrying those sauces? What are you doing? I am. I can't, I can't.

I can't. It's in the dipping is hard. I'm sorry for being a problem solver. So yeah, but but the money got is super sorry about being so prideful because apparently that's the lesson of this story. And then we get an eating montage reprise. He starts just sucking shit up Kirby style. He's eating the table.

Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, but right before he starts eating the carpet, money God brings him a bowl of rice and he's like, oh Yeah, that'll do and now he's full and everyone learned their lesson Yep, I guess less than this is easy to fill up on starches Start with the starchy stuff. Yeah, so with that important story out of the way, we move on to our final adventure of the evening. Um, you remember how there was a demon that kidnapped all the gods took over the world, was breathing, firing, killing everybody. Yeah. Grandma just remembered him too. Yeah, grandma. Absolutely. The invincible guy. Absolutely. I remember. Yeah. Yeah.

But only Ganesha can help or actually only Ganesha can send his little brother to take care of it. The bag and all from moral support from afar. He's like, quick, you gotta come stop him. And Ganesha's like, yeah, I would totally fuck him up. I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna root for you. It's so hard. But let me know how it goes. And then we cut to this massive battle. Now, we can't like, this is the worst imaginable CGI. And yet they tried to get

a thousand people on screen together. So there's just people floating above other people and there's just like everyone's green and moving in the same way at the same time. It's really painful to watch. Yeah, this is like a 1997 video game that you were trying to play on your 1993 computer. And the first time you realized that like you couldn't play all the games on your old computer. That's the scene. Just like things blippin' in old computer. That's right. The scene just like things blipping in and out. Yeah, right. There's a loading moment. Yeah.

Exactly. It buffers for a minute. So yeah, so oh, and by the way, also apparently the invincible god is a Targaryen. He has dragons now. Dragons and what appears to be a pug of pegacorn because he's got two dragons and a dog face thing. Yes. He's riding car. But the dragons in the fight don't end up helping. No, they're just like flying or they're fucking up. They're just like, hey, fuck, man, like these dragons, the worst. I told you they weren't going to help. Just watch. Just watch. Tell me which side they're on. Exactly.

We got them here. Are they on our team? Can't tell. Well, yeah, because like, once we see one of them swoop down, pick one dude up and drop him from only like 10 feet up, right? Like, ow, my knee. We. Yeah. Right. Right. But then they all go to fuck up Ganesha and Ganesha just like blows at them and they all die. So yeah, so anyway, we get this amazingly silly battle sequence. And again, this goes on forever. There are also involved in this battle. And these guys seem way more effective than the dragons. There are scorpion hand and centaur spiders. Those are bad guys.

I guess. Yeah, it's kind of hard to tell, but yeah. It seems late to introduce that character. I would say you want to feature that, just saying. You're not really in this movie when it was about dumplings. We have segwayed to lobster centaur. Exactly. It's about lobster centaur.

So I'm moving on. So meanwhile, as this battle's going on, Ganesha's brother has fighting the demon dude in the sky with more weapon materializing throwing. Yeah, they're just like hovering up there like, all right. So obviously that shit down there is stupid. Do you want to do the objects thing? Yeah. Go on.

Turn based. Yeah. Obviously turn. I'm not a fucking savage. Yes. Turn based. Jesus. Who goes first? All right. Well, all right. Well, we'll conjure up a rock paper scissors. I want to see them actually figured out like that. Yeah. Cause you know how much fun it was to watch your friend play old school final fantasy. It's like that. The movie. Yeah. Um, and by the way, apparently we learned at this point, because some of the gods decided to sneak up and go kill Ganesha so that he can have some part to play at the end. Ganesha apparently can grow giant.

He could have done this at any point. He hasn't, seems odd. But yeah, he's back in his place, just hanging out with a handful of insignificant soldiers turning giant and ice exploding the dragons. Also, he pop eyes his mouse at this point. He gives the mouse aattle, multiplying giant rattles of death. It gets so bad that his little brother has to pull out his sparkly powers. Oh, yeah. And then he throws a spear with a Hindu word on it. Yes, yeah, exactly. And obviously, you know, that's the lightning spear. So, you know, that'll

win. That's when it kills the invincible demon. Yeah. So, let me do this whole war thing down there. Let's not overthink it. Let's do the throwing the stuff. He didn't win. And then, but basically the mouse cut, and says, um, yeah, guys, so there's a lot of other stuff too, um, that Ganesh did. That was cool. So sequel.

The mouse is like the friend who, when you're done hanging out with them, tries to arrange the next time you're going to see him and it's like, okay, why don't we play it by ear? All right. and it's like, okay, why don't we play it by ear, all right? This did not include us fucking, so I'm not planning to make a... I'll see you next time. I feel socially obligated to see you. And that was the climax of this movie, by the way. The best story about Ganesh was when his little brother had a big win. Yeah. He's like the Peyton Manning of Hindu guys.

That thing for Peyton Manning's head does look like an elephant. All right. So this is our second in fantasidal Hindu children's cartoon. And I can already start to see patterns emerging. So based on what we've seen so far, in closing, I want to ask you, what squares do you guys expect will eventually see on the Hindu movie bingo card? Oh, villain given superpowers for meditating super hard. Yeah, right. Right. Um, fetch me a bag of dicks, baby dicks, human, baby dicks, somebody will say that in future

movies. All right. And while that's going to do it for a review of ball ganache, that's not going to do it for the episode. Just yet because we still need to convince ourselves to keep doing this. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. How do I love the Oh, good. This I've been looking for this is from like 19 oh two right. Yeah,

this is a Mormon short film created by BYU with a caveat at the front that we don't believe any of this shit about. It might be hard not to fuck because all your friends want you to fuck but deep down you know you don't want to fuck. Don't fuck. Yeah, don't fuck the movie. Exactly. And with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 117 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation

at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes. And by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skating Aids, the Scepticrat and Citation Needed available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies

at gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P.E. and Routaurus. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slott, Nick of Evil's Raps on Mars. Although other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkin was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right? Neely Bosnick, I'm No Lutions, promising to work hard on another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. After I watched this movie, I made pork chops. They were really good. Mouse, eventually did get to fuck that fly. Ignatius' parents always made a super big deal about everything his brother did, like him being a floor manager at Costco. This ball just mean like baby or kid like this is just like Ganesha's a kid. Yeah, I think Ganesha kid style. Yeah.

So would it be ball rock? What? Kid rock. Well, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Equally going to become president and senator. Yeah, you never know Yeah, I take it back

Not in the ether not in the ether. I didn't do that. That wasn't me. Hey, maybe you meant I was gonna be come present Yeah, that's what I meant Just want a medium orgasm Medium or I went from one minute to forever And that's where Morgan starts. All right, we're good to go. He'd call it hearth bros. Let's just let's just let Morgan try to figure out what that means on the zone.

Let's get no snow. No context. Oh, that's way back. Harnstoneers. That's what we would make the the the drug worship and video game crossover market, which is like almost all of it. That's one market. That's one circle on the diagram.

Tan, we just came up with a million dollar, billion dollar idea. Don't worry about it. It's no big deal. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Don't steal the, don't steal our stoners. I will put you in a papputh and I will

That's a call forward backward Sorry, you just you just threw me I had no idea where you're I was confused. That's what they asked Jesus when he asks them what they want from their wish In the next week's book of Mormon segment which is a month from now time yeah, so I did it already so let's go ahead and cut that yeah He hasn't even read the thing that that's based on yet It's pretty great if you guys next year I'm going to suggest a book to you guys. And there's going to be a thing.

All right. So yeah, Morgan, you can cut all of that stuff up from what should we call our religion. You're bench like 250, though. Whatever those those 45's, I'm going to, I'm probably going to make this whole area into a home gym. Yeah. What's the next thing you're going to buy? 45 I'm gonna I'm probably gonna make this whole area into a home gym. Yeah What's the next thing you're gonna buy don't say treadmill treadmill probably Yeah, you're running out of space on earth to run

All right, you can control the speed you can't do that with your legs I noticed you have a single DVD of the insanity series. Lying loose on the floor here. I sold the other ones. Podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2017, all rights reserved.