God Awful Movies - 118: How Do I Love Thee?

Episode Date: November 21, 2017

On this week's episode, special guest masochist Devin Heater joins Eli and Noah to discuss the very latest in celibacy during an atheist review of Brigham Young University's very own "How Do I Love Thee?" Learn more about Devin's show here: https://thepit-nyc.com/teams/gypsydanger --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

This is supposed to be empowerment, right? The empowerment of this movie is like, oh, my friend, I can bait my own hook. I mean, don't give me wrong, I am a baby factory with no thoughts of my own. Two fears, the penis like death itself. I will put a worm on a sharp object and that is exactly as far as it'll ever go. That is, that thing's, that thing's, that thing's, that thing's, think the scary thing is that's I think she thinks that's what heavy petting is so like they're gonna get hot and heavy the back of the car later she's gonna pull out a hook and be like you ready for this not awful movie who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be right? Unfortunately, he still mad at me for telling his girlfriend he had an octopus fetish. So he's going to be giving us all the silent treatment today, but sitting 81 miles to my right as a man who unfortunately cannot be inspired to deliver the silent

treatment by any level of personal slight. That would be my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am pretty fantastic. No, and today I learned that I was moral throughout high school. That's what it was. I'm such a good dude. That's exactly and intimidating. And also joining us today is improv comedian extraordinaire, GAM fan favorite and special guest massacres Devon, heater, Devon. Welcome back. Hi, everyone. All right, awesome, awesome. Everybody, you know, what they like about you the most is the long highs. Yeah. You guys slam the energy. You guys right. You guys don't get it. Like after every time, every time I do one of these,

my Twitter blows up and it's like, Devon, give me a long high. Everyone. No, I get it. I want another long high. Devon, you, you, you, I said, you got to pay for that shit. You underestimate the extent to which I cyber stalk you. If you think I didn't already know that. Oh, and by the way, how is that thing that you wanted to plug in the a segment going? Oh, you mean my show gypsy danger? That's it. Exactly. Listen, I just want everyone to just go to the pit dash NYC dot com and like look up Gypsy Danger, which you probably can't do because it's not a very good or intuitive website. Right now we're every Saturday at eight, but then we're going to change and I don't know to what? Let's not talk about it. Let's just, but you should come see it, and it's funny, and we improvise a movie. It's fun.

Oh, right on, right on. Well, I'll tell you what, we will get around the part of the lack of intuitiveness of the website and just directly link Gypsy Danger in the show notes there. That's lovely. It's the least I could do, because I am going to ask you to tell us what we'd be breaking down today, which means I also asked you to watch this movie. I owe you at least that. Yeah. So, uh, well, we all watched how do I love the, which is a touching story of two 38 year old teenagers who don't want to fuck each other, But oh, wait, but Jesus, oh, we're fuck. We're not if I want no Jesus. They say that for the Holy

Ghost. The Holy Ghost was in was really cock blocking this entire dead. Yeah, did. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love romance, but when and where you put your penis makes up your entire moral landscape, you love this movie. It's Romeo and don't do it yet. Now, and of course, this short was brought to us by Brigham Young University. So Devon, I've got to ask how much did you know about Mormons going into this thing? I mean, listen, I'm a huge fan of skating atheists.

So everything I know about Mormons, I've learned from skating atheists, slash my ex-Mormon friends. Well, I got to say you probably know more about it than most Mormons than at this point. Exactly. That's my goal. I just want to know more about it than Mormons. Awesome. So is there anything you guys want?

No, it wasn't. Don't be patient. It's terrible. It's all gone in the edit. Yeah, no, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It ultimately. Got an election slurs you want to throw.

And is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst bat? Ooh, I want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst bet? Ooh, I want to go with best worst pussy talk. There is a scene in this movie where the male characters all gather around first some good old fashioned pussy talk. And the people who made this movie know that that happens, but they get into well. And then you see all of the actors eyes grow wide with panic. As you just randomly hand gestures like, tears and

starts taking out flags like he's waving in a plane and then the camera immediately cuts to anything other than what needs to be someone describing getting late. I said, I one thing that this movie was good at, I thought was was a very tasteful way of censoring the pussy talk by just playing beautiful orchestral music over it. See, I would have loved the beautiful orchestral music over it, but the gestures were there. Like he's just like, the gestures were there like he's just like, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, I was gonna go with best worst college party. Ha ha ha. There is a moment in this movie where these college students go to a party and it is God damn Cinderella's ball. It's like a 40th wedding anniversary. It's like a Val Renoule for a couple that's cheating on each other.

You have to go to the numbers. Like everybody knows, but they have spent a lot of money on this lie. So you're just like, yay, chocolate fountain. You tried to sleep with me last week. The mistress is cutting in on the first dance and everyone's fine. That's nice. Because it's the daddy daughter dance. That's gross. I just don't like you. I just don't like you when Eli says daughter He might have one one day and we'll be able to play all of this for her So Devon, did you have any best worst? Oh? I mean, you know, I feel like they weren't very good at being Mormon. They were actually surprisingly good at talking about the point of view of like, maybe Mormon,

the Mormon church is too far behind the times. It is a weird part of this movie that no one at any point goes like, well, you know, the Mormon church is pretty hip. They're always just like, look, we are an ancient, troubled group of people afraid of the sun but the same token look at my hair I do I want to bring this all the way down to get fucked I don't think something. Alright well this movie obviously has a lot of not fucking to get to so we're going to keep the break brief and when we come back we'll try just the tip of how do I love the just to see how it feels.

Hey Noah are you okay you seem like you're okay what's up Heath? I'm Eli are you not wearing your contacts? Yeah yeah I just don't want to I just don't do the exam you know too much hassle. Why don't you try simple contacts? What's simple contacts? Oh, it's a great new app that makes ordering contacts very simple. Honestly, simple contacts let's you renew your prescription and reorder your brand of lenses from anywhere in minutes. I mean, they gave me a free trial and I couldn't believe how easy it was to test my eyes at home and how easy it was to order all my favorite brands. Simple contacts brings the doctor's office to your home.

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The exam is just $20 and they offer free shipping. Really? Just 20 bucks. Yeah, and don't forget that expiring HSA insurance dollars can be used by the end of the year. Oh, that's right. Yeah, but best of all, our listeners also get $30 off their first symbol contacts order with the code awful.

To save $30 on their lenses, they just go to simplecontacts.com forward slash awful and enter the code awful at checkout. Again, that's simplecontacts.com forward slash awful and just enter the code awful at checkout. You know what? I will try that as soon as I'm done feeding the cats. See, that was my point. That is not a cat. You shut it.

And don't blow this for me. I mean, you know, truth flavor today. Say, Devon, how goes it, friend? What? Why are you talking like that? Why are you dressed like that? Oh, just getting ready for my hot date at necking point. I don't know what you were. Hoping to get some pet and maybe go all the way. Are you married?

You've been married for like over a year. Tell me about it, man. I'm going to get married. I'm going to get married. I'm going to get married. I'm going to get married. I'm going to get married. I'm going to get married. I're hoping to get some petnidon maybe go all the way. Are you married? You've been married for like over a year. Tell me about it man, sure hope she doesn't go cold on me. Okay well good luck or whatever I need to say to get out of this conversation.

You got it. If I ring the bell I'll let you smell my finger. I'm actually really into that. That's exactly what I want. And we're back for the breakdown and before we even get this movie started, there's a little disclaimer. BYU wants you to know that not fucking is only one of their many educational emphasis. Yeah, it's amazing. They have to open this with look. We don't

believe any of this shit either. Okay, but we rented the cameras. We filmed it and it's now, it's ours now. It's our mission. It's the disclaimer should have been like warning. This is going to make your your brain hurt. This is going to hurt you. If you're watching this movie, we're sorry. That's just the general general BYU, like warning, like, especially if you look deeper into it, the deeper you look, the more your head you can hurt. We think they're pilgrims on the sun, right? If you get right down to it. So yeah.

Yeah. Any any student film should have just come here. Warning, this is a student film. It's going to be terrible. It's going to be trying a student. It's gonna be terrible. It's gonna be trying a lot. It's probably gonna have a black and white dream sequence at some point. There's gonna be a lot of NIA playing. Let's just, let's all agree that this is a mistake, but we're learning. We're students. It's gonna be dedicated to someone's girlfriend. Yeah. Who they've broken up with by the time the film comes out. No, yeah, yeah.

But the editor did a semester in France, so he can't take the dedication out of the film. So the movie starts off basically. We have these very dark shots of people walking through, I guess, a college campus over the amazing names that we get for this film. Jesus Christ, these names. I got to say there's a lot of silly names in the Book of Mormon. I feel like silly names are just a rich Mormon tradition. They honestly made me believe in the Book of Mormon

a little bit more like it. The Book of Mormon seemed less silly. You're like, oh, they all have ridiculous. Yeah. Right. Like, yeah, orma, orma. Yeah, that's just a sound. Just like half of the names of the Book of Mormon. Just orma. That's a name. Yeah. The film was directed by Wetzel, oh, Whitaker. Wetzel, oh, it sounds like an alien trying to make up a human name as he gets pulled over. Oh, god. Oh, god. Put your tentacles in. Hey, Wetzel, oh, Whitaker. I'm Irish, which is the species you're all fond of. I'm Irish. That's one of the white ones, right? Yeah, he's

all right. Yeah. And also, by the way, the feel that everything is so fucking dark into beginning of this movie, I was like, are they afraid we're going to see it and make fun of it? Is that like, is this like a prophylactic measure of theirs? Well, it's just like they they had to film, you know, they couldn't film during the day because they couldn't get released forms for everybody. So they had to film in the middle of the night. Yeah. They're all they're establishing shots had to be in the middle of the night. A lot of this movie felt like they didn't have people's permission. Yeah, exactly. So, okay. They didn't have permission. Yeah, right. Yeah, this was a sort of like cinematic rape. All right. So now we cut to

Helmut von Virgin studying in Rome. I got to say, I was shocked when this movie was in color because I was convinced that Mormons were like the people in the giver and the color, color wasn't allowed, like no color, no coffee, no sex before or after marriage, unless it's with multiple women. Yeah, it's any on how you define color there. Yeah. They're not fans.

Yeah, no, I've been, I've been to their state. It's pretty monochromatic. Um, but yeah, yeah, only when they're naked. So yeah, so we're, we're meeting our hero here. This is Jen. We're going to meet Jen in a roommate penny. And they have hair that, okay, imagine that like you wore a scuba helmet, your entire life and your hair just grew around to it and then they just cracked it open and peeled it away. That's the hair. That's the hair. It's a lobster shell of hair. Yeah, exactly. You feel like as these girls got taller, they would like leave their hair behind and the ocean floor. Smaller girls would take it and wear it around.

Try to confuse predators. or smaller girls would take it and wear it around, try to confuse predators. That is precisely the impression I had. They definitely majored in hair for sure. You can't be studying something else and having your hair like that every day. Like you can't have, that's how Mormon girls stop from having sex is that it takes 12 hours to do their hair and then it's just time for bed again.

Right. Yeah. And the last thing they want to do is fuck that hair up sweating, I guess. No, you know, Mormons aren't. Don't sweat. That's one of the deals they made with God. This is one of the covenants of Mormonism. That's definitely one of the covenants of Judaism. So the, and and and Devin's already alluded to this, but the two college girls here are clearly in their mid 30s. Oh, yes. Right, but it was a student film. Was everyone just older in the 60s? Is that what happened? Yeah. You spoke a pack of Paul Maltz starting at age 12. You're gonna look 45 when you're six.

Well, that's not necessarily a case, but yeah, some people turn out like a bronze god. Just that. So sometimes you smoke a lot of Paul Maltz. Yeah, and also we right away we start getting 60. Okay. So this was made in the 60s, but it was made by people who hadn't made it out of the 50s yet.

So all of the slang is an agronistic even to the time it was made, which was 50 years ago. So like immediately we're like 10 seconds into this movie and these two girls are talking about necking. Also, we really get an insight on to like what Mormons were really focused on at the time, right? It's like the Vietnam war is going on. Kennedy was assassinated. The civil rights movement, but like let's talk about premarital sex because that's the real issue that everyone cares about. The real issues of our time. Well, to be fair, they didn't have to worry about civil rights. Black people weren't

allowed in their church yet. I just let's be very clear about that. When this movie was made, black people were not allowed in their church yet. And when did that change? Is that has that changed? Well, technically they're allowed, you know, like they've got the two. They've got, you know, they got the token one and then one for him to talk to you. Yeah. Exactly. You guys should do that fist bump thing. Can either you do a back flip. So, okay. So, and by the way, Jen and Penny are just, yeah, with platonic good girl and platonic bad girl, basically.

Right. Penny is not good at being a bad girl. She's a very, she's a very good bad girl. Exactly. That's the problem is Penny's supposed to be a bad girl, but she can't be like, I was just a second Dicks left and right. So she's like, oh, you know, sitting in the back of cars with boys, what's the harm in that?

No, my notes are, wait, what is the harm in Isida Yufemiz? Say fucking, you're alone. You have to say fucking in front of this point, in the story. Well, that's the thing. She is Mormon bad girl, right? So yeah. Which means in a monogamous heterosexual relationship with a guy, consisting mostly of hand stuff. Right. You all right. Right. Exactly. You mean, you mean elaborate head shakes, right? Thank you. A lot of them. Secret. Yeah. So there, there, the two of them are arguing, Penny has just come back from a date with her boyfriend

norm, where apparently there was some heavy petting and necking. They're terms not mine. Noah, they are your terms. What do those mean in your time? Because we used to just fuck, so what is that? I'm picturing literally just like petting the other person's genitals. So that was that is. Well, they were. Some point I don't actually know.

Like I sort of assumed it was like just like mashing your hand against their genitals but like through their clothes. All right. Well, if the first thing you have to understand is back then genitals were hairier. They were a little more like you've ever seen the trouble with troubles episode of Star Trek. I didn't think Mormons were allowed to have pubic hair. I'm a Mormon now.

Somebody checked that. I'm not sure of all of the rules of Mormonism, but I'm pretty sure thou shall not have pubes is in there. If it is, it's in, like, it's laid in the book. We've met through most of the bull haven. The special underwear, like, just sand papers, that whole area down. All right. That's probably a doctrine of covenants. That's the pearl of great price. Yeah. That's where the pearl comes in. Yeah. So padding. Yeah. Padding is, I guess, making out, I don't,

I have no fucking idea. I wasn't around in the 60s. The Eli. So and also again, these are 50s terms that they used in their 60s movies. So yeah, so they're arguing and basically Penny is saying like, Hey, Jen, why don't you go out and fuck? Just get it. Fuck in wet. Just find something you can wrap your badge around and get up and down on it. And she's like, well, I don't know. I've been, I'm waiting for the right man. Blah, blah, blah. And we get a good, good, seven, eight minutes of this conversation. And she can't, she cannot, when pressed, come up with a good reason not to be getting fucked. It's like, you should fuck. I don't want to, but you should because, like,

if you love somebody, like, it's important to know if you're sexually compatible, but I don't want to. Okay. Well, why not? Well, because my hair is too heavy. And this seemed literally ends with, you know, everyone's going to think you're approved and she's like, I'd rather be approved than a whore. What? Sorry. Nothing. Well, they cut her off. You know, she's like, I'd rather be known as

approved than as a, hey, wait a minute now. I love that. You know, the, the, the, she actually basically says the word ellipsis at the end of her line. And then penny cuts and says, Hey, I don't worry about my reputation. I know that Norm would never tell anyone where I let him put his dick. Put his dick. Put his dick. Yeah. So after Penny Assures us Norm wouldn't kiss and tell we cut to norm kissing and telling about that.

That's all that fucking norm. Right. Sand that guy. He's very polite and very well dressed and seems like a good guy. Yeah. He's, and honestly, like he seems like he's a little too good looking for Penny. I mean, you know, he's a no offense to Penny, but he's pretty hot too. So I think his fellow dorm mates, but agree with me.

Yeah. Yeah. They all want to hear about his dick and where it's bent tonight. Don't they? Let's have a little gather around turn up the Broadway cast album. Take action dick. I'm gonna tell you about some heavy. It's the homeroticism in this scene is how everyone's just folding a cigarette pack into their shirt sleeve. It's amazing. I think the 60s were just a gay or time in general, but like super gay in the Mormon church clearly, but like, let's not talk about it, but like we're all into this, right?

Yeah, in better time. A better time. Just gone with that. I wish they just just, just really like doubled down on that and been like, hey, we're just going to be the super gay church. Oh, the super gay, I mean, that's the universe. Now, but I would have been really, that's a good brand, the super gay church, but you never acknowledge it. And it would make the outfits for their missionaries make a lot more sense to be perfectly honest. See?

Yeah. Yeah. So and this is like the second movie we've done in a very short period of time where all of the scenes seem like the set up to a song, right? Because like, this scene would have made perfect sense if when he finally got a route to talk about the fucking, it was in song. Yeah. If he sang Summer Love in here, I'd be like, yeah, I get it. Summer Love. Yeah. it would make perfect sense. Was Grease the non-mormon remake of this movie? That's, and that's what I like to think it. It's where they stole that movie. Also,

while he's doing his pussy talk, which is, of course, drowned out by big bands swing, we cut to a guy who's typing. And at first, apparently, he's just getting frustrated. He can't do his home worker, whatever. But at first, I thought he was dictating the fucking. And then she was like, yeah, man, keep going. Keep going. No, wait, no, you're on my hair. No, it's fine. Just you're on my hair. You're left. My left. All right. No, it's fine. Just you're on my hair. You're left. My left. All right. Koff. But

But now we're, but what we're supposed to learn here is that typing guy doesn't appreciate all these fuck stories where he's disrespecting the women or whatever it is that he has against sex But boys that that essay is coming along great. So he's writing this essay. All we see is he like writes, he basically says, as Keith says, and then writes it quote from Keith, and he goes, that's terrible. I'm just like, you just wrote a quote, how could you have fucked that? As Keith says, beauty is truth and truth is poopy.

God damn us, man. In the future, you'll be able to press delete. Oh, God, Jesus, I do remember that. I do remember having to just like throw away the whole fucking paper because the white out shit was so obvious and look terrible. All right. So yeah, so basically we've met Norm now and we've met this other character. This is Keith. He'll be the main player in the film. Now we have to get him together with Jen and we're going to do that at a library because that's We've met this other character. This is Keith. He'll be the main player in the film. Now we have to get him together with Jen and we're going to do that at a library because that's what good girls are with.

They're not in the kitchen. Look, it's the creepiest creep, creepy creep. Yeah. And we see them at the library and we need to point out that this library has what appears to be one shelf of books. Well, again, I'm surprised that Mormons are allowed to read books. So I assume this library is that every book is either a, it's probably a biography of Joseph Smith.

Yeah. They're doing, they're doing Desmosism has three sections. Joseph Smith, Book of Mormon, and Cookbooks. But the Cookbooks are like heavily edited and redacted. Because like, so are the biographies of Joseph Smith. Simmering is too dirty, so we can't simmer anything. I love to because when they first meet, this is where the two of them are going to like

hook up. And she's looking for books and he appears behind like the shelf on the other side to talk to her. Oh, Whispery and Creepy. And he's like, hold on. I'm a severed human head. A lot of people. He helped in the library.

Well, yeah, I mean, the way they present this, you kind of expect from the walk around the shelf and be naked from the waist down, you know, and covered in blood. But no, it's just, I guess this is just normal 60s dating. Right. And the meatcute here is, say, do you want this book? And she's like, Oh, yeah, that's the book I need for class. And he's like, I'll tell you what, you read it. And then I'll come get it from you. And she's like, yeah, that's, that's bookloaning. Thank you. And he's like, no, no, no, wait, wait, better idea. You read it. And I date you.

I thought this movie was going to take a turn and not be about sex at all, but be about because you know Mormons are very good people, so I assume that they have problems, quaint, adorable problems. So I thought this was going to be about the danger of lending people books because like she took out the book, you know, like her name is on the book. If she lends it to him and he keeps it like she's gonna have to pay those library do And like and I assume that in the Mormon community like the shame I assume you get exiled or stone to death if you are late with a library Book the shame is carried through to the third generation. Yeah

On a lander book lender got I don't want to get into it. It's really hard. But I have to point out that like, I mean, I know that that was a joke, but the actual conflict in this movie is less important. Yeah, right? Like if this was a movie about the dangers of loaning someone a book that you had on loan from the library of double loaning and whatever, that would be a more useful film with a more important moral message. Right. Because at least it wouldn't be actively damaging. Yep. But he asked her out.

She says yes, he just might be the one. And there's this little moment. This happens at six minutes, 18 seconds of this film, where she's just supposed to be all smitten. And she leans against the fucking shelf or at least she tries to, but her hair helmet very clearly reject her. It's the best. It's like, it's like watching someone try to do a backwards handstand against a bookshelf. It's like, no, no, that thing has its own gravitational fields. It got too close to the bookshelf and they just repelled each other. There's probably some, some like DP on the sideline who like saw her lean your head close and

just started screaming like, you're going to knock over the whole library. Once one goes down, they all go down. A book gets sucked off. The shelf starts rotating around her head. God, dammit. Just skin off Keith's face starts peeling off. Just sheer GeForce. Oh, now this is a prequel to the opening of Ghostbusters. I get it now.

I think it's a prequel just to the opening of Ghostbusters. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, it wouldn't make sense in any other portion of the film. So, um, so all right. Now we're going to cut to the date, because this movie isn't fucking around with a bunch of filler. And I want you guys to finish a sentence for me as romantic as a blank airport. I was going to say tarmac, but yes, you are correct.

Meat locker. That wouldn't have been any fucking weirder. His date for her, to the first date, my least favorite place on earth, the airport. But this is a pre-911 airport where you can fly the planes yourself. You could shoot at the planes with automatic weapons. And it's just all of it's all just fun in games. As long as you're as long as you're a white guy. Oh yeah, well, right, right. Yeah, no, that goes all the way back. That is not a problem for bringing me on university. No,

or in the 2010s. Yeah. So he's, you know, I should emphasize, they're not going to fly anywhere. They're not going to like, he doesn't have someone flying it. They are going on a date to look at airplanes at the airport because I guess in the 60s, people just stood around going, fuck it, man, we can fly. Do Mormons believe in air travel? Is it not a form of witchcraft? I mean, I guess they got to get to their missions, but I figured they like, flagged themselves and like, did a bunch of prayers to like prep their bodies for air travel. I think it's fine as long as you flap the entire time

you're in the flag. That's the rule. Yeah. Yeah. No, that would, that would kind of fit with the Mormon understanding of science in general. Yeah. And they sit in the, in the mighty ducks flying the formation. Right. And this is where we learned that she, uh, she's not just any day. And she used to climb trees. And I, I got to point out the way they bring this into the conversation. This is amazing. She says, I've never been on a plane, but I've climbed trees. And he's like, what, that's pretty much the same thing. I've never been kayaking, but I've yodeled in a basement.

I, what the fuck, how do you connect? The, yeah. I've never been kayaking, but I got wet once. But at least that's related, right? Ah, trees are up high. Oh, it's up high. Oh, it's the highest connection.

That's the highest people went in the 1960s unless they were flying to one to fight no war. And he had like the great, he had the best like first date, God, I want to get laid reaction,

which is like, oh my God, that's the stupidest fucking thing anyone's ever said. You're right, though. Boy, you sure you sure get it. You're a cool swell lady. We're having fun, right?

You're going to touch my penis, right? This guy's face just screamed. You're going to touch my penis right throughout. So speaking of which, this is just such a little small moment. It's probably not worth bringing up. But at the beginning of this scene, he's looking at right in the face and he says, I love coming here. And it seems like he's talking about her face to me. Anyway, anyway, anyway, she explains that she was the best tree climber in all of Chicago. And just as I was about to say Chicago doesn't have trees, she's like,

we were in the suburbs. I'm like, oh, yeah. Yeah, she cut herself off. She was like in Chicago. It's a suburbs of Chicago. Obviously, I don't have a tattoo, a tear drop on my face, not that Chicago. Oh, boy.

I mean, she drove to bring him young university, huh, with all of her stuff. That's so long, Trie. Just fly, get on a plane. Yeah, or to climb a tree and then like slide from there. I don't know. That's related somehow. Yeah. And here's an actual line. He says that doesn't get him kicked in the nuts. He says after she explains how good she was at climbing trees, he says, and here I thought you were just another helpless female.

And this is supposed to be, we need to be clear, this is supposed to be empowerment, right? The empowerment of this movie is like, oh, my friend, I can bait my own hook. I mean, don't give me wrong, I am a baby factory with no thoughts of my own fears. The penis like death itself. I will put a worm on a sharp object and that is exactly as far as it'll ever go. That's, I think the scary thing is that's, I think she thinks that's what heavy petting is. So like they're going to get hot and heavy in the back of the car later. She's going to pull out a hook and be like, you ready for this?

Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Oh my God. So we, they have this amazingly banal conversation at and at a certain point it could you know a first age going good when the conversation does this it turns to her parents and how very in love they are even though you wouldn't know it to look at them. Oh yeah. If anyone ever describes my relationship as not a showy kind of love, I sure hope I get a divorce.

She also says respect was the very core of their feelings for each other. Not not what you want the center of marriage to be respect. Yeah. No, that's the. Well, yeah, I mean, it's good to have there. But yeah, I think we can get you through the hardest times. So after he hears all about how very in love their parents were, she swears, we learned that the real plan here, the beauty of, because like,

I mean, I almost get going to the airport if you're going to Sinabon, you know, or something like that. Like if they, like, if they went to the airport and then they were just, he was just like, I like over price tuna. And, and, and that was the point. It would almost make sense, but they're not even going to stop at one of these shops. They're not even going for duty free liquor or anything. The point here is that he's gonna, as the plane comes in they're gonna step onto the tarmac and walk in as though they had been on a plane uh... we walked through doors doors yes so they're just gonna imagine the thrill of having been on a a plane for five hours

from Mexico city now that's pretending and pretending is a type of lying and I'm pretty sure that's not allowed. So again, I think this is really a movie about warnings about library books and like they're going to come out and be like, oh, we were in Mexico and then someone's going to run up to them and they did you see my son? I lost him in Mexico and then they're going to be like, oh no, we are committed to this lie. And then they's like a throw into like a who done it mystery rabbit hole and they can't figure it out. Oh my God.

They get addicted to cocaine because much better people. And that's son, the author of the library book she lent him. Oh, wait. Wow. The kid wrote a library book. I like it. It's time travel. Why? Oh, sorry. Did that not make sense? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was really, I honestly, I was really getting into Devon's version of this movie. I was like, this is a really good movie here. He was expecting a lot more than we got. So Jen gets home to do back to

her dorm where Penny wants to hear all about Keith and his penis. Right. And she was out until midnight midnight. Can you believe it? Yeah. Fucking whore. It's also the first time that Jen, I believe, was allowed outside.

So that was exciting. Yeah. No, she seems to have acclimated well to the outside world. And Penny wants to make it clear to her that on the next day, she seems to have acclimated well to the outside world. And Penny wants to make it clear to her that on the next day, she should at least be looking to take a couple fingers. Yeah, absolutely. She's like, you know, the second date can be even more fun. And then there's this awkward pause as they're waiting for the scene to cut, where Jen's just like, uh, oh, okay. Yeah, I hope that it is more fun. I don't know what you mean. No, no, no, I'm a good

more fun. More like he took me to an airport. We walked through a door. So I mean, it couldn't be less, less fun. No, no, no, this is, yeah. So then we get a little falling in love montage between the two of them. And I gotta say this soundtrack throughout this every person playing an instrument on this entire soundtrack is a black guy who is really cool and like not allowed within 20 yards of a Mormon woman. Yeah. So it's a little bit like, all right, soundtrack.

As I'm during this montage, I'm like, this soundtrack is way too gro groovy and then it cuts like the football game and like the cool fight song plays And I'm like now that now that is the appropriate music. Yeah, right Yeah, exactly because it's it's the most wholesome falling and love montage They're like for all I can under trees and they're sitting rudely close to each other in class, which would have been distracting for everybody else. They're dancing. I wanted so badly for there to be a jump cut to her pegging him. This movie would have won. And then the football game. You know, it wouldn't be hard for us to buy the rights to this one. She's just using

him as a coffee table and like spilling hot wax on his balls. But no, instead we, we, we finished this up by a, with a scene where he tells her that he loves her, which is why he couldn't join us today. It's not that in horror movies. So he decided he couldn't be a part of this. But yeah, and, and, and then they have this big sloppy. I've never done this before, not with a woman anyway, kiss. A kiss so awkward. It should be between Angelina Jolie and her brother. It is. It's a headbutt to the face. Just a, it's all time. Who's that soccer player? Headbutts people.

That'd be a funny joke here. Guys, remember like from 10 years ago, there was a soccer player and he had put it a guy. Come on. What's the famous thing? What's the famous thing? What's the book thing? The book series that you and Heath like with the head buddy guy in it. Oh, Jack Richard.

Yeah, that's Jack Richard. Does he have a lot of people? Yeah, he had buts way more than necessary. He often throws away weapons to headbutt. It's not a very effective thing to do. It is an insanely effective thing to do. It's not a very effective thing to do. It is an insanely effective thing to do. It's not that effective. It's this episode brought to you by it's illegal in UFC. And I don't agree with it. I think that you should be able to headbutt

as much as you want. Thank you. I think there should be an all headbutt martial art. Just headbutt. I think it's called Ireland. Scholar. Just ended up. I think it's called Ireland. So at the end of this, but after he, of course, has declared his love for her and kissed her in a way that determines both of these actors, Sergey, and hiding it, he decides he's going to give her his fraternity pen. Well, then he doesn't have fucking have it.

Like, why not? Why? Why? That literally, like, the prop guy got fired. I'm gonna be my frat pin. What the fuck's my keep where the fucking frat pin. Oh wait his character's name is Keith. God damn it. I ruined it. It was bruh. You piece of shit Josh where the fuck is the frat pin. I'm sorry. Yes. So he doesn't have the, the frappin. So then we cut to his dorm room where he is polishing his fraternity pin that is not a

euphemism, by the way. He's, nope. Actually, I was doing that. It's a, it's a super nice pin. I'd fuck him for that. It's great. And this whole conversation is his roommate saying, you know, you really shouldn't give someone a pin if they won't fuck you.

That seems like a high price for a pin. I'm going perfectly honest. Like most of this movie seemed aniquated. That seems a little, like a little off. I have to agree with the Mormon side on that one. You should be able to give somebody a pin whether or not this isn't telling someone about your dream here. This is given somebody a pin, whether or not this isn't telling someone about your dream here. This is given somebody a pin.

Yeah, I feel like even the people at Burning Man are just like, yeah, pins a pin man. Now, Noah, you're older than us. Have you ever given someone your pin? Can you explain the significance of giving a pin? Oh, good question. What are these pins for? Yeah, you guys look at me and think, Frat Boy, right? That's what you think is that that guy was in a fraternity. I assume they have some sort of recording device

hidden in the GPS, a GPS locator. Did you let Lucinda wear your letterman jacket? So did you wear commitment rings? So I did have they got married 30 seconds after they met. So I did have a French embrace. That's what I was a kid. Um, French and French. Right. Yeah. I remember at the arcade, you get those best friend like ambulance that were broken in half and once I like that. And I said, friend, I had one of those with my friend. Mike, be check. If you're listening, I still still have mine you sort of a bitch

Where it every day Mike But it's my friend request Why didn't you thank me you're wedding? Why did I go we'll talk about it Mike? So do you do you and Mike need a minute or, uh, let me get a can you just can't just give him a call real quick. Sorry guys, I'm sorry, I just it's been a long time. So we have this conversation between Keith and his roommate where it basically seems like

his roommate's going to give him no guise for not getting laid the entire time. Yeah, he's just like he's not mad he's disappointed in him for not. the entire time. Yeah, he's just like, he's not mad. He's disappointed in him for not to play exactly. And now he explains here that the dicking of woman is how you show that she's yours. You know, it's like male cats. When you come on them, you, they belong to you. Apparently, no, you do not need to come on your cat to prove it. Adopted. No, we don't, we don't want your cat. We want you to have your cat.

That's it. That was a medicinal thing. It was, it was homeopathic. I had a skin condition that only my come cucumber. That's what I tell everybody I come on. He could have he may have live disease. We don't know. We don't know. He doesn't now. That's the important thing. Exactly. Exactly. I'll keep coming on you. They'll keep the tigers away. See any tigers. I win. There's also this amazing moment where he goes, I want a wife who's a challenge. And I wrote in my notes, sorry, she's already married to me. Yeah. So, but, but what we're really learning here is that Keith very much like Jen doesn't even want to fuck before marriage. Why? Why he couldn't even respect a girl

that was like a slut like Penny. Man, thank God we set that up. So we really understand his character's motivations. I'm glad that they're not going to, he's not going to change to complete 180 in like the next scene or anything. That's important. That's good to know. Yeah.

Yeah. So, okay. Now we cut to Jen, polishing Keith's pin and her dorm room again. Not a euphemism. How clean does this pin have to be? Right. Everybody's polishing it like just leave it alone. It's fine, it's a pin.

What's going to happen to it? And this is the counter to the boy scene where Penny is really, really pushing on Jen that she needs to get fucked to the extent that I'm like, Penny wants to like smell Jen's fingers after a healthy amount of sexual pressure from anyone. If I was Jen, I would not have a drink that Penny offered. She'd just be wheeling Norman later. Now why don't you do her too? She needs done.

So yeah, and we also learn here that Jen has been lying about going and seeing her death. And when she's actually off fucking norm. Oh, shit. Oh, goodness. She has this amazing moment where Jen says, I want him to love me as a total person, not just as a sex object. And I wrote my notes, trust me, Jen. Nobody will ever love you just as a. Yeah, but Jen doesn't want her vagina to be like used bubble gum or anything. So, you know, God, I just threw up in my mouth. That's the euphemism that they use. That's that, that's that, like they'll send people to fucking schools if we don't, if we atheists don't watch them and tell young girls that, you know, fucking a girl who's not a virgin is like chewing used gum.

So that wasn't, that wasn't mine. That was theirs. Shooks on you, I have very weak teeth. So, and, and of course, Penny, because she's so bad at being a bad girl, again, this is Mormon bad girl, she explains that it's okay for her to have sex with Norm now, because one day they're going to get married. And if Jen won't at least give Keith a handy now and again, she's never going to get married. Right.

And this is a great line here. She goes, self-respect is an important when you're in love. And I wrote in my notes, everyone about to suggest P stuff. I think Penny gets, I think for every Hyman penny facilitates getting broken. She gets like a big like someone's giving her money for that. Oh, that's the only thing. That's the only thing. She has some guys like, listen, I got this

time and popped and she just gets like $5,000. There's how many. I'm nearly a quota. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's maybe, yeah, maybe the devil. Yeah. Just believe in the devil, right? Yeah. And I love to that there's like this, this moment where she's saying to a penny, she's like, well, but yet I remember you and Norm before you ever had sex, you used to go to football games and do all kinds of stuff, not just go have sex. And I'm like, yeah, it's almost like that's the most fun thing to human beings can do. And that dwarves go into school, plays and football games and shit. But maybe she just named places that they used to go where I used to have sex.

There's like, you know, the pep rally is and the dances and the closet on the third floor of the line. But now you guys just have sex at your own house. Yes. I wrote my notes. Don't worry, Jen. If you're worried that having sex is all a couple ever does, do not worry. Don't worry, Jen. Don't worry, Jen. Plenty of time for school plays, Jen. Plenty of

time for that. School plays and have a dash of eyes. Just the years laid out in front of you, Jen, just like a long endless black tarmac road in the middle of the day. With all the fucking behind you. Well, Eli clearly needs a break. So first, let me give Ag 3 the hard sell here will Jen and Keith fuck how about some mouth stuff? Okay, what about at least some over-the-pants stuff here? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the sexually frustrated conclusion of how do I love the I'm pony D. Here to talk to you about fucking. Today's film has a strong anti-concentral fucking message, and we hear a god awful movies just want to take a moment to assure you. Fucking is awesome.

That's right, Tony. I'm inside out little girl, and we know fucking has gotten a bad reputation lately, but trust me when I say fucking is awesome. Don't believe me? Let me ask you this. You like grilled cheese? Delicious. Well, fucking is considerably better than grilled cheese. What?

That's right. Concentrally fucking. Try it today. Maybe with your favorite podcaster. Got it out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with Jen and Keith pulling up to her place after something insidious has transpired. Now I should say this is not him apologizing for coming early, but they have not told us that and for the first two minutes of the of the scene, that's exactly how it plays. Oh, absolutely. It plays as though first it plays as though he came to early during

the sex. Then it plays as though she's having a really mild reaction to him sexually assaulting her, but it turns out he was just like so. I was thinking maybe we would fuck and then they immediately pulled up here and she was mortified. Yeah, yeah, apparently, but before they let us know, they throw out lines like he says to her, this is how it starts. He says, I'm sorry, I'm just so attracted to you. He adds, I just got carried away. And then when she pushes back on that, he says I got too excited. It's he revealed he revealed a fetish like way too early in the relationship. He was like, oh, all right. She showed up at the restaurant to meet him and he like just like had a gimp mask on and a ball gag. She was like, oh Keith.

Yeah, she's like turned around and left and he's like, I'm so sorry. I just I really like you and I thought that you'd be okay with this because at one point you said the word leather I know you were talking about your shoes, but oh boy. I just thought maybe it was a sign look we've all been there Right, oh my gosh that Mexican food was so much and you were like you should totally shit into my hands and she's like what? We're joking around. We've all been there. That we all got it. I'm just joking unless you think you'd be into it. In which case, I'm dead serious. And I love, okay, so this gets super uncomfortable super quick. Once eventually we learn that it's just like he just brought up fucking and she is offended beyond belief. So we watch him desperately try to fuck her for like a minute and a half, but not like

Gropey. Well, no, touchy. He's just like he wants intelligence squared to bait her about whether or not they should fuck the proposition is Jen should allow Keith to put his penis in her. Are you in the negative? Are you ready? Yeah, right. So yeah, so he throws out the, would fucking me be so terrible line?

And I'm looking at it like, do you really want that like lawyers say never ask a question if you don't know the answer to it? Like in this, in this instance, I feel like yes, fucking will you would be pretty terrible. Everything about you says, G Willikers. And to be fair, would fucking me be so terrible was like

my line starting back in the day. So I feel like this guy owe me some money. And so I'm just like, look, when you think about it, like there's the Holocaust, there's nine of lab. What are you doing sex with me. What sex would you like compared to pogroms or? And like those two other things, the fucking me never happened.

That's what I'm saying is they never have to. Jet fuel doesn't burn. They didn't have enough gasoline to nobody wanted to sleep with me. So either they make that. It's a point. Wait, you like, can you just expand on that point? Well, what do you mean? No, he can't actually, no, I've got all different directions to go.

He's like, so they just want some kind of interest in some of your ideas. That's just when we're done, I'm just sick on the call because I want to find out more about these, these, you know, I just, I believe everything that the media tells me. And I just want to know more. He's got, that's good. God, god damn it you brought a spurson what is what is the what is the singular of sheep all I've never understood a spurs a spurson I think um so yeah so then he switches to the argument of um you know quick while we're still young eventually I'll have old man balls and it'll be roast uh That doesn't work either.

Yeah. And then of course, when she says, you know, she wants to wait until he's married, his idea is to go to a little hotel nearby and pretend to be mad. Remember when we pretend it at the airport, pretending is dangerous. Ooh, call back. I like it. But then, but nothing works. So she's like, maybe we shouldn't see each other so often. And then he says, maybe we shouldn't see each other at all. And he drives away at a blue bald huff. How amazing would it be if the credits went up and that was the end of the. What if I just turned into a Stephen King film, the cars possessed runs her over.

What movie? Yeah. And then he fucks the car and the two of them will live happily ever after. Guys, we just wrote Christine. I have, I don't know how to tell you this, but we just wrote Christine. Damn it. It's a book. I read it. So Jen goes inside for a cry and her roommate just has zero sensitivity. Her roommate just basically

stand behind her and see this what you get for not fucking him. Honestly, this scene could just be, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, as she weeps in the foreground. Yeah, Penny really, really not, not being a good friend, not being a good Mormon, not being a good Christian. And that's what this movie's really about. It's about being a good Christian. And Penny's a fucking, let's kill Penny because she's a fucking piece of shit. And the only thing that Jen responds here is not, hey, I don't have to have sex if I don't want to.

She says that like, if she had sex, all of her morals would disappear. Yeah, what? Her argument seems to be, look, first you fuck before marriage and then you're murdering a homeless guy just for the thrill of the world. You know how this works. Well, most of the people who have ever murdered a hobo on Facebook had sex first.

Mm-hmm. So pretty clear there. Me. So. I mean, not with the hobo, I mean, at some point, still, we'll talk about it. So yeah. So she says, but penny, if I have sex, I'll be a ruined woman. And penny's like, it is so fucking worth it. Let me show you again on the dildo. But then we, so then we have a little montage, the little back and forth missing each other montage. Oh boy, that's so good. Where he literally is walking through the park kicking

dirt. Kicking dirt. It literally ends with him kicking rocks. Yeah. But as he's walking around kicking dirt dejectedly, he passes by Jen, who is is remember how she climbs trees. She did it. She's up in a tree. I absolutely thought they were going to go up in that tree and fuck. I 100% was like, I'm not in this tree. I feel so free up here. I have no inhibitions and he just like drops, shroud jumps up in that tree and they just

bust like and she's like, this is perfect. We're closer to God. And it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you get Mormon girls. You have to chase them up. Trees or And it's like a bear. It's like a bear.

You know, you treat the woman and then you have say, yeah, no, actually that is pretty close to Mormon. So she got, she got over the fact that he is potentially a sexual predator, like real quick, like very, it was, it was a scene and a montage before she was like, I remember when you, um, tried to rape me. Well, let's try again. I'm in. I'm back in. I'm back in. And here's the other thing. So maybe this is just me, but she's up in the tree and she's like, come

on up here and he upsettingly effortlessly climbs up that tree. My crazy billionaire remake of this movie is just me as the main character and I take 40 sweat. Oh, my hands. Oh, my skin, my hands. up, hurt your hands, after run home, get gloves, come back. And like, your shoes don't have some little lather. So like, you go in and get like, climbing shoes. And but I feel like, I hear ice climbing picks. A rope. And finally, I'm there.

I'm just drenched in sweat. And I'm like, your fit friend is fine. And you're'm there. I'm just drenched in sweat. And I'm like, you're fit friends. You're like, on the way. Right. There was a rock climber in the audience. I love that joke. So yeah, but no, but he just hops up the tree like a normal human being can do since we were full, descended from our boreal species. I will. I will tell you what, there's a Patreon go for you. I will tree climb race Eli. Yeah, that sounds fun. This seems like a fun Patreon go.

I'll run the fantasy. I'll run the bets on that. Yeah, there he is. Fancy tree climbing. You had Connor McGregor versus Mayweather. You'll know who can climb a tree fastest? So all right. So Jen, Jen and Keith makeup, they're going to try again and start all over as though he never did put his fingers there. So she goes home to tell Penny the good news, but she finds

Penny packing her shit. Again, not a euphemism. I really wanted that one to be a me of missing, but no, well, it is a euphemism, but not the one I wanted it to be anyway. But he's, Penny's highman selling scheme finally came to light. She's, she's free Utah. Yeah, she's leaving school on the midnight bus and DNOI all the fucking All the fucking cuz it turns out norm is marrying a girl back home who he's never even had sex with All right, let's let's explore this decision by norm. Yeah, okay. I mean like so I don't Norm sit out norm. We gotta talk Are you enjoying the sex with Penny?

Yeah, it's great, right? Nice, cool. So let's talk about this other girl. Are you enjoying the sex with her? Oh, you've never had sex with her. So what the fuck is the fucking matter with you, Norm? I just, yeah, like, okay, so what we're supposed to be seeing here is that a good guy

just goes off the college to fuck some girl, but the girl he wants to marry is someone who saved herself for him. And didn't go to college, stayed home and learned how to cook. Right. And again, the blame here is not being put on norm. No. This movie wants us to know that norm is just being norm.

He's a guy. But Penny is the one who's the problem for having sex with someone she thought she was going to marry. Yes. I thought this was going to be, I wanted to see the scene between Norm and Penny, which I assumed is how polygamy started in the Mormon church, which is like, which is like, he's like very casual. I'm going to go marry a different chick.

Oh, what? But we're fucking. Oh, well, don't you know? I'm allowed to do that No, I'm gonna marry her but like you can you're called sister your sisters is weird as sister wives And we're gonna fuck and you guys can touch each other Devon fun fact. I know this was an accidental thing, but that is how polygamy Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He was out of it.

We'll all do it. Wait a minute. This just in from God. It's just No. Breaking news. Yeah, I can. Oh boy. Hey, they have they're having fun. They're doing their own fun thing. And I think we're gonna appreciate that. So penny leaves to go home and Yeah, and they may never be able to love again because of all the fucking right. Oh fucking. You only think I want to point out is penny has another giant suitcase. This is two Mormon movies in a row where there is a giant suitcase. So maybe it's just a Mormon thing. Just wanted to throw that out there. Yeah.

Yeah. Or maybe she has norms like severed corpses. You just got it all and we'll chop up in that suitcase or whatever. It's like, no, I really need to leave by midnight. It's very important. Yeah, I need to get across state. Mormons have to be able to fit all of their possessions into a suitcase. That's part of their fate.

Right. Right. So that they can bicycle around with it. Yeah. Exactly. It's like, it's like the, the con who was only allowed to have one glass of alcohol a day. So he got a glass the size of a bucket. Yeah. It's like that. And okay. So now we get this wonderful party that I warned you about this Jen and Keith go to this party. What a party. Oh, the divorce session. It's amazing. They're walking out of this like patio and she goes, I'm so glad you asked me.

And I thought you're just going to be like, and that there are no black people here. I think in this scene, maybe I'm crazy. It feels like Keith borrowed every other character's eyebrows and added them to his eyebrows in this scene. Am I crazy? But like I saw him and I was like, why does he have grease paint eyebrows covering 40% of his forehead? I am surprised this is the first time Keith's eyebrows have come up in this episode. I got to be honest with you. They're so distracting. It looks like he shaved his eyebrows off and planned to draw them on for the prom, but like, it had a mirror that

was somehow a fun house mirror and ended up drawing them halfway up his forehead. They are entirely distracting throughout the film. They are facing. They're just really enough. Jim Henson got his start in filmmaking doing the eyebrows for. Oh, there you go. There you go. Fun fact. So yeah, so they, they, they want out of this just happening party. This, I just want to point out again, Mormons thought college party and this is what they came up with a gilded fucking ball. So yeah, so they walk out of the pedal. He apologizes for wanting to fuck her so bad, but he is super impressed with how adamantly

she didn't fuck him. He was quite turned on by that apparently. He thinks it's great. And then she uses this made the soap. This was so infuriating for me. She uses Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poetry at the end of this movie, Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Hey, fun fact about Elizabeth Barrett Browning

You know what she did? Fucked in goddamn soup because society in Latin America husband One of the most famous stories about literature you couldn't have picked a more pre-marital sex-centric poet right? As I am reminded of this poem by Don Juan de la Mercue. And how do I love these? All about passion and emotion, and it's not at all about this much.

I'm not with me so much. It's not true in the redacted Mormon version. Yeah, right, right. How do I love these? Let me count the ways there are two of them. God approves of. Code, code, right, right. How do I love the let me count the ways there are two of them got approves of co-incorrect. Well, I don't know. Shell Silverstein always struck me as somebody who had some weird shit going on. But there was a too many butts in his children's bullets. That guy not to have been weird. So yeah, so see guys, you might not get laid, but you'll at least get

melodramatic out of context poetry readings. That's still pretty good, right? Right? I wish more than is. I would have taken some out of context poetry and I'd say. Okay, so you won't touch it, but will you at least read me some poetry? You don't understand or have the depth to ever possess this? Oh cool. Thanks. When you're old and gray, I like that one. Settling for what you can get there. Yeah. And but, but so, but so the key here is that because she didn't fuck him, he's so impressed with her and respects her so much that he wants to marry her now. I get it. You got to get that pussy somehow smart. That's a smart. You know, that's what a marriage is. I think the best marriages are based on swollen testicles. Yeah. That

like they always say. And then we get another one of those awesome passionate kisses from these two Glosseted gay actors Just like like someone trying to share a breath underwater So yeah, so they headbub each other once more as little Jack reads your love and then it's the end Well for you guys, so this is what fucking happened to me at the end of this goddamn piece of shit movie. I'm sitting there, it ends, I made beef stew, I made my beef stew, and then all of a sudden music starts playing on the TV again. And I look up and it auto started auto playing another fucking Mormon movie called Sound of Old to Angels, also by fucking Wetzler, oh, Whitaker Space Alien.

And I can't find my fucking remote, so it just keeps playing. And it's fucking awesome. So I'm like, I did a double feature, and I'm frantically writing in the notes like, guys, we're doing this double feature because I can't find the remote. I'm sitting there, and eventually I find a knife, and I just, and you know I lost enough blood that I

I didn't see the whole movie. And we've been talking to Devon's Ghost the whole time. Halloween Sputakula Cozett turns out from beyond the grave. The Mormons are right. It's all real. I have my own planet. It's real baller. So right now it's game of throne. It seemed but I might mix it up. So rapy. Drag.

Rapy drag is I haven't figured out the dragon. That's real displaying that's the theme of my plan. That's the theme of my plan. That's the theme of my plan. All right, so I always like to close off on a little game, a little analogy. Something since we get an improv artist here, I didn't tell him about it until the very end. So to close things off today, I'd like to play a little game that I call shit over heard at Keith and Jen's honeymoon suite.

Um, how about my god, you've got a hold down there. Have that. Rose. No, there, I can tell you what their sex sounds like. Sounds like this. That's it. Yeah, and that's it. Yeah, and we're done now.

Yeah. It's just, and we have a baby. I hope it's a masculine child. Uh, I was thinking maybe, well, I finished, you should hurry up next time. All right. Well, that's going to do it for our review of how do I love the, that's not going to do it for the episode yet, because we still need to suck your back in next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck live from Australia? 10 of the top scientific facts in the Bible. Oh, we're in the world.

Could we phone a film like that on YouTube? Oh, the Living Water Studio. They might not be there, but he'll be in our hearts. Ha, ha, ha, ha. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 118 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Devon for hanging out with us tonight. And perhaps even huge, thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go.

If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to know by leaving us five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, you'll be sure to check out our sibling shows this getting a the eschceptor, Kraut and citation needed available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcast lip. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodOffalMoviesAgemail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, Louisville Drafts, and on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely, Bosnik, I'm Noolutions, Promise, and Work Hard to earn another chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club glow. Penny eventually went off to a state college where she got a normal bicarious roommate and had orgas. Male main character spent the first three years of married life trying to find the hole.

I would not be surprised if this movie had just named him main male character. It's actually really sucks. I was gonna pitch it to Harvey Weinstein, but I guess that's out. Yeah. Well, cut that. Morgan, can we cut that joke? I don't like that joke. I'm not gonna topical. So I get nervous about topical. That's all right. This is gonna come out in like three weeks. It won't even be topical. It'll be really stale and mean. It'll be really stale and mean.

It'll be really stale and mean. He'll have found out about the children by then. Oh Jesus. He'll have killed himself the day before this problem. I wanted to kill himself because of this podcast. He's like, you know what? I did a terrible thing, but I'm finally starting to forgive myself. Here's my joke because I'm fucking savings right. I'm a monster. Now, honestly, that would be the most significant I would ever be in the course of my entire

life. Yeah, right. Right. You'd be like the Lee Harvey Oswald of Hollywood. Look, if he's killed himself about anything, he's killing himself for giving Rose McAllen some attention. Am I right? Am I right? So Morgan, your job is cut out for you this week. It'll be fun for you to try to figure out what we do and don't want to keep from this episode.

So, Jim, I'm going to make ice sounds so that it has to be cut out. Yes. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved.