God Awful Movies - 12: GAM012 A Thief in the Night

Episode Date: November 10, 2015

This week, Eli and Noah break down our most oft-requested film; A Thief in the Night.  This launches a three part (or possibly four part if we can take it) series on one of the a movie that's horrible production quality pales in comparison to it's psychological abuse of a moral.--- Our theme was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars, and was used with permission.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook page here.The music for "I Hate This F*cking Movie" was performed by Anna Phyllis Smith, who you can hear more from on her website. 

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, bailués sin parque sur. And I saw child's play. And so the next night when I came home, I had a nightmare that my dolls were going to come to life, or my figures were going to come to life, they were going to kill me. And I ran into my parents' room and I was like, and the stretch arm's strong, it's going to strangle me.

And luckily my parents were like, yeah, you know what stretch arm's strong might strangle you. And then brought the doll and it'd been like do you want to apologize to stretch Armstrong? Is there's anything you did to piss him off? So the baby doesn't? God awful Movie Movie Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Movie! Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema and an effort to inoculate ourselves against Brett Ratner movies. I'm your host Noah Luzon since sitting 989 miles to my right as my good friend Eli Bosnick

Eli, welcome back sir. Oh no thanks for having me. Now of course before we get to this movie I want to apologize for our continued heathlessness he sends us apologies along with his very sincere thanks for all the well wishes and kind words our listeners send him via Facebook, Twitter, email etc. Along with a promise to be back as soon as the situation allows for it. He's dead guys. He's dead.

We don't know how to tell you. All of those scathings have been pre-recorded. We're running out. We have two more. We have two more. Everything else is going to be edited together like the South Park episode where they killed Chef. We have 85 hours of him screaming, Jumanji. It should be good on that. We should be good on that for a while. He's at a farm upstate that there's weed and girls with nose rings he can run and play and flare juggle don't worry that's it that's exactly exactly very happy oh okay so we got to get to our our movie for this week super excited to be introducing this one this is our most requested film by a long shot, the 1972 grandfather of modern Christian cinema,

A Thief in the Night. Oh fuck you for reckoning. You were listening to this. Everyone, I got four fucking Facebook messages and three twigs. You're doing Thief in the Night now. I was like, oh yes, to wrap in. Here we go. And I fucking, this is the worst fuck you people. Oh my god. You all watch this movie too

I hope Netflix drops every movie except this Oh, it is so but it's not even just bad But it's bad in the sense that it's not even fun bad. Well, anyway, so this is the, this is the summary I wrote out before we started here. It's the story of a baby murdering rampage that God promises to eventually go on as punishment for people who don't love them enough. It's part horror movie, part after school special,

and part blatant effort to make a semi feature length movie out of less than 60 minutes worth of actual film, all served up with a liberal helping of sideburns, psychologically detrimental theology, and I'm certainly short man shorts. So Eli, tell me how bad was this movie? Well, no, you never think to yourself when you're watching my changing body. Man, I wish this movie was 50 minutes longer, but the actors are too attractive. Good luck!

Here we are at the, that's what I kept being like man This is a really long intro. When are they gonna start talking about periods? That's it almost dude to it one point. Oh, I was excited for it. Yeah, but then The only thing that kept me going through this movie is how ugly all the people were in it I thought the people who really enjoy it when Eli goes off on the looks of another human being Yeah, are really gonna have fun this week. You're in luck now I have to say what struck me most about this movie was it's total lack of awareness of non-Christians Yeah, I mean because we've watched these rapture movies before and it's always a bunch of atheists and Muslims and Jews left over, but in this movie,

there are no atheists or Muslims or Jews. This movie isn't a warning to people who don't believe in Jesus. This is a warning to people who don't believe in Jesus correctly. Yeah, there is absolutely, you know, the part of the fun of the, and having watched now three times,

I've watched the rapture three times right because of you fuckers watch the rapture three times I've spoken to my sister twice this year but I've watched the rapture three times and part of the fun of the rapture is everybody freaking out and losing their minds this is I think we can say the calmest and whitest rapture. Yeah. The sport one's me. You know, appears that everyone's gone. No need to lose our minds here. Yeah. All right. Let's just keep it calm. Keep it early. Okay. And someone hand me a scotch. It appears my wife disappeared.

Yeah. No, they were pretty blasey about it. I was really kind of dying for the whole Nick Cage people waving their hands over their heads thing and we never really got it. Speaking of non-Christians, there are no non-white people in the movie. No, this is a- Not even in the background. No, no, no, I was like, did all the black people get raptured? Is that the- No, no, they just didn't have any black friends ah the 70s Well see now that was one of the real challenges to me and and Breaking down this movie is that we have to separate what's bad about this movie in particular versus what was just bad about the 70s

Yes, exactly because that's that's a huge problem is you're like because a lot of my notes here are about how short the shorts were Mm-hmm. I'm just like I can see his balls. They're not even covered by cloth. It's not like oh I can see your, they're hanging very clearly out of one side of his shorts. But that was just, that was just 1972 man. You know that was people who had good beliefs and bad beliefs. Peter Bagozean running around with a ball hanging out. So I can assume Hitch was running around with those fucking mutton chops that that character had. Yeah it's just it's the worst of decades man I mean I like everything like you've never seen a picture of somebody in the 70s where you're like no that's a good looking picture yeah no no you look pretty great yeah no I like

the 22 inch lapels on your pink paisley blazer there with the short shorts. You don't look like a clown at all. That's a crazy to end listen. I am young and I can't speak to the changing fashion of the world, but I have every fashion movement that I have been alive for. I've gotten it. I haven't liked it necessarily, but I've gotten it. I've looked at stuff in the 80s, I looked at stuff in the 90s, I look at stuff today, and I'm like, I get it.

You put on less clothes so people can and I'm like, I get it, you put on less clothes so people can see your body parts, I get it. But in the 70s, it's not even less clothes, it's just like, you know what people want to see? Belt buckles, it's just crazy, it doesn't make, it's like for 10 years, we were just like, no, no, no, no, no, here's how we're doing clothes. We're gonna dress like an insane clown had a nightmare.'s what for 10 years and then we'll go back and then in the 80s everyone will wear suits again

But we're just 10 years. We're gonna have a gap where all suits look like a like a weird like we fight holes in teeth All right Well obviously we're itching to put this sorted abomination behind us but before we do we're gonna pause for a quick musical interlude and then when we come back we'll break down the ass cancer of cinema a thief in the night. And everyone said hey you guys should watch that one movie thief in the night I watched it all the time as a kid and scared the crap out of me It'll be so funny if you guys listen to it or watch it or whatever and see what we did We had watched a bunch of stuff

Thought that I had seen enough I was wrong I hate this fucking movie Looks like it was shot through tape This movie feels like it ain't right I hate this fucking movie There's no time to change our mind The podcast song is worse than left behind A co-priced by the little girl, it's message makes you want to hurt

I hate this fucking movie, two men watching this and said we could be drilling holes into our head. I hate this fucking movie, there's no time to change our mind, the podcast song, it's worse than left behind. If we're one of those movies weren't, how do the people who made it sleep that night? Or heard this fucking movie? Fuck you too, everyone who told us we should watch this piece of poo. I heard this fogly movie. There's no time to change our mind. The podcast song is worse than left behind.

A misnakeige and David are white. How could we have been so blind? The listener spoke, our spirits died, the podcast stylings of Eli and Anna we are back. And I've got to say this may not be the worst movie we've watched, although it may be, but I think that I hated this one the quickest of any of the movies. And again, it's the podcaster in me. But when the ambient hiss in the movie is like drown out the dialogue bad,

that's all it takes for me to hate you as a movie. Right, yeah. The first 12 seconds of this movie, I was already like, oh, no, tap out. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I wrote, I doubt Jesus, because so you get this, this super, the ambient noise,

then a super loud clock ticking. And then a Jesus quote, all in caps. And so I wrote, I doubt Jesus used an exclamation point in all caps, like my grandma on Facebook. But yeah, so we open on this clock and this Jesus quote, and we have to reflect immediately on the fact that even the clocks were ugly in the 70s Yeah, there's nothing there if you're looking for anything aesthetically pleasing in this movie you will not find it no

No, no, no find there are long long shots of outdoors and beautiful scenery and they've all somehow managed to be ugly in this movie. Yeah, there's ugly trees and landstakes in the film. We found the only ugly mountains in the world. That's where we're gonna shoot the last four quarters of this movie. Right, and by the way, just to make sure that if the ambient noise wasn't enough to get me within eight seconds of this movie, we get the bullshit gasping sitting straight up waking up thing. Yeah, I wrotes bingo somewhere no is upset yes yes exactly so our our main character patty is waking up and on the radio she's hearing about the rapture we're gonna go back to this scene a couple of times but on the radio they're just like there's just some guy going like yeah it

looks like the rapture happened today uh... about a million people are gone uh... very calmly very guys i've heard newscasters freak out of water skiing squirrels more than this haha you see it's adorable but no and and like it's the it's just a weirdest job just like like he's given the weather reporter whatever you know it's going be partly cloudy with a chance of brimstone. And we basically just get like, I'm going like some people think it's the aliens.

Some people think it's the rapture. We haven't determined that quite yet, but definitely millions of people who used to be alive are no longer on the planet. Right. But you know, we're not rushing to conclusions here that the thing that Everyone's been predicting happened word for word. We're not I just want you to know We're not jumping the gun on this. We're really we're thinking reasonably and again I would wish one of these movies and listen I we have somewhere between nine and

150 rapture movies left to watch I just won one movie where the radio comes on in the guys like holy fucking shit you guys it was the rapture it's a hundred percent the rapture this is what happens in the rapture it's the rapture it's the rapture the rapture the rapture okay get your hands off me get your hands off me so yeah um he's not okay. Nora is anyone.

But now there's one thing I, okay, so like we get the rapture on the radio and then we get this woman waking up and sort of like running around her house looking to see if her family's raptured. Indeed they are. Right. And the only reason I want to mention this is because she runs into the bathroom. Yeah. And at first I thought to myself, why is there a CB radio sitting in the...

Exactly what I wrote. I wrote why was someone listening to the radio in the bathroom? But that's the shaver! Yes, apparently that's how they shaved in the 70s. That's why their fucking sideburns and shit were so fucked up because they put... Oh, I would grow a mustache too if I had to lift 200... If I had to deadlift 240 pounds onto my fucking face I

Have a television in my pocket that's smaller than what that guy used to shave his face That's another thing about this movie that I found very pleasure about while my brain was trying to escape the fact that there Wasn't a plot and nobody ever said anything because I would look at just the different technology and I'd be like look at what a Miracle we live in yeah, no shit. I'm fantastic me the shavers used to be the size of what is currently the fastest computer in the world at that time Right, oh, but and then some yeah exactly by manifold if I had walked in to NASA with my iPhone They would have been like hey, man, do you want a blowjob? Give me that right the fuck now! That's, that thing looks to be about half the size of what I use to cut the hair off my face.

And it's not plugged in like a miracle. Yeah, right, exactly, exactly. It wouldn't be spressed if the dude had to pull start that. So yes, he realizes her family's raptured, She drops to her knees and starts crying or whatever and then we go to Rock and roll Bible study. I guess I don't know what's but there's a There's a band sitting there as though they're about to play music, but instead there's a guy who looks like He looks like they mostly fixed the guy from the mask. Yeah, exactly. The chair was like it.

And he's telling everybody about the warning everybody about the rapture. Yeah, he is, he's basically, he's delivering the world's most boring sermon. And this character has one purpose in this film, which is to describe, but all this crazy shit that makes no sense. Like, he's just talking about the weather man Because throughout the entire film he's just like and then demons are gonna jump out of the floor Grab you by a b-52s and bring it down And and only one point in this movie does someone go hey man You know just cuz you're talking like it's the 70s doesn't mean that we don't react like you're saying fucking

Shit right but indeed they don't everyone in this No, it's just like hey, what do you want for lunch? I don't know how about a sandwich also did I mention I can see out the back of my eye Yeah, man great Let's go to the carnival so they're all standing there and there's just like instruments So I wrote my notes why are there instruments are they gonna play a song and there's just like instruments so I wrote my notes. Why are there instruments? Are they gonna play a song and they are they are going this they are going to play a song that listen Beware do not listen to this song unless you want to have it stuck in your head for the next Seven years of your life and it's also it's not only is it a catchy song?

It doesn't make any sense mus's not only is it a catchy song it doesn't make any sense musically not only is it a catchy song but the lyrics don't make any fucking sense now they're crazy you're gonna be trying to take a shit or live your life and you're gonna be like wait why would a piece of bread bad by a bag of gold there's less people now that doesn't make any that was my whole week this week is just walking around and like why did everyone get trampled everyone was like vanished who got trampled? That doesn't make any sense. Was there a specific tramples?

It's trampling a thing. It's so, listen, you can listen to this version. If you go on YouTube and you look up, I wish we'd all been ready, thief in the night, you'll see the version that's in the movie. This movie's whole movie's on Vimeo, but if you want to listen to just the song, you can listen to just the song, you can listen to just

the song, but I'm warning you that for the next month of your life, you're going to be like, I don't understand. It's, I get it. And by the, I came up with a whole theory. I was like, I get it because the Vatican got raptured and they have a ton of gold. So like, gold's going to drop in value. Is that what they're talking about? What the fuck was this movie?

And then we cut to the, I guess basically this is now the opening shot of the movie and it's a fair It's like a carnival except for like it's being shot to look like it's at a horror movie But it's just a regular carnival. It's being shot like it's at a horror movie and there is a demon Santa Ho ho ho in the background for about 85 minutes. Yeah There's like ho ho ho, and you're like, oh, Santa went to this carnival, but now he's being water-borded. Is that the shot that I'm about to see?

And among the shots, we also see a Sambo painting. Oh, thanks, 1972. A Sambo painting. So the closest you're going to get to a non-anglo in this movie. And I did, okay, so then we got these three girls who are apparently this Christian rock band thing was at the carnival and they just stopped at the Christian rock band thing and now they're walking out through the carnival.

And I thought immediately, God damn it, I wish that women in modern Christian movies were dresses that short, but they don't anymore. That would be great. So we're meeting Diane. Or pig tails, that pig tail, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mary. The main character of this movie, the one who's the Christian, who we're gonna talk about in a little bit, she looks like, I don't know, if you ever watch porn

that's obviously trying to be child porn with grownups, that's how this character looks and acts the entire film. It's just where you're like, no, this looks like a thing you click it and it's just like, I just got back from high school and you're like, well, this looks like a thing you click it and it's just like, I just got back from high school and you're like, whoa, whoa, hey, hey now. Hey, I thought the entire time that Maryann escaped from the island after all.

Yeah, exactly. But we, okay, so there's three girls at the set of this movie, Jenny, Patty, and Diane. Okay. Immediately, I like all of them except for Jenny because they're talking about that. I guess they're walking out of that thing and the pigtail girl is going like,

I don't know, what do you think about all that? Jesus stuff that he was rambling on and on about before he started frothing at the mouth. And the other two girls are like, I think it's kind of fucking stupid actually. Do you want to just like have fun and not talk about Jesus? Right.

Now who is slutwink wink one of them slut wink Because Durant right before it right before he started talking about Jesus There was a guy sitting in the corner and the one with a long straight hair who ends up with Freddie Mercury Yeah, oh sense if you saw the movie. Yeah, one of the she gives a slut wink to the guy in the corner And he fucking sprays the inside of his shorts with goof juice and runs away. Yeah, Diane Diane, okay, that's Diane. Diane's great. Diane's fabulous. And that's what how Diane is the one who Jenny comes out Jenny's Mary Ann, right? Yeah Mary Ann if she played a little bit of rugby in college Yeah, that's exactly what she wants to me. It's just like oh, what happened to your nose?

You got broken a bunch of times. Yeah, I get it. I get it a bunch of times, right? Yeah, a's exactly what she went to me. She's just like, oh, what happened to your nose? You got broken a bunch of times. Yeah, I get it. I get it a bunch of times, right? Yeah, a bunch of times. Field hockey, Marianne. So she's like, I don't know, guys, what do you think of the crazy person who promised that the world was gonna end? And the long hair, Diane is like, oh, that's bullshit.

You wanna go on some ride? Yeah, exactly. I wrote, I already liked Diane. And I also wrote beside that, I thought, fucked all three of them. Yeah. So yeah, so then, so Jenny decides that she's going to go back and learn more about Jesus.

Go back for some Bible study. Well, the rest, well, the other two go and enjoy their lives. And so now we get this kind of this cross cut between, we've got Jenny sitting there listening to monotone Bible lady And we've got the other two girls meeting a couple of guys Freddie Freddie Mercury you've already mentioned I wrote him I just had a mark this porn stash through the whole thing Yeah, Freddie Freddie Mercury and cowboy one of fuck. That's what I have called them in this movie So they run into there is a guy who looks exactly like

Freddie Mercury, and we're gonna talk about him in a little bit, and then there's Cowboy Wanna Fuck. And I wanna talk about Jenny's like time that we're cutting back and forth in the teen center. Yeah, because the teen center, she could not be getting more indoctrinated into a Manson cult. He's Charlie Manchin walked through the frame and was like, hey, help discount to kids. I'm gonna kill some people, and wand yes Charlie mansion walked through the frame and was like hey help to scout our kids

I'm gonna kill some people and wandered back out again the first line that we hear being said to her is It doesn't cost anything but your life. Yes anyone says that to you you should run Yes, anyone that says it doesn't cause a huge run that's the dad Anyone who tries to stop you on the way right? Exactly. Oh, I which which way is the exit? Great. Would you like to see how fast I can run? Because you're gonna.

Ha, ha, ha. And, but instead of that logical reaction, Jenny goes, that seems like a pretty high cost, I think. Seems like it makes sense to that, I don't. And then she's telling, and like, okay, so the lady that's talking to her by the way is like has had her eyes Bored out by demons and are so replaced by a goddamn computer or something. This is the most I bet you could stab this lady without her noticing yeah

Right, right if there were flies walking on her face the entire time It would have been basically the same effect. Yeah, um the whole time she's saying, Jesus died for your sins. And of course, Jenny's like, that seems so unfair. How dare those Jews? Right. It's okay because Jesus forgave them. And he forgives you. But if you don't give your life over to Christ now,

you killed him yourself for nothing. Yeah. Jenny's reaction to Jesus died is like she had never heard Jesus died. Yeah. Like someone was telling you about a buddy who bifte it. She was like, oh my God. Jenny's reaction to Jesus died is like she had never heard Jesus died. Yeah, right. Like someone was telling you about a buddy who bifted it. She was like, oh my God. I had to do his parents.

No, well, you know, his dad's not around. His mom's, you know, she was there at the funeral. It was kind of well, maybe she was there, maybe she wasn't. She's a patient. She felt like a body-owned, just friends say another. We're not sure. It's friends say one thing, just friends say another. We're not sure. So we cut in between there and Freddie Mercury is getting big laughs.

They go to a helicopter ride at the fair and Freddie Mercury is crushing by pretending to be a pilot. Now listen, I don't know if humor has evolved since the 70s but this guy has two modes He has Humphrey Bogart in personation, which he does at every opportunity throughout this film But the first thing we see him do is slay this group of teenagers by being like Houston landing coming on in Err, and everyone's like oh my god. You're not actually to blame play, but you're pretending to be a play, I'm gonna pee. I'm gonna pee, y'all, it's happening.

It's so warm on my leg. So yeah, yeah, so they're going on this helicopter ride together, which, man, this entire movie was just a shot to collect, collect, or an excuse to collect helicopter B roll. I do believe I wrote my notes I was sure hoping there'd be a second helicopter in this movie So a lot of helicopter 1970s when a moving picture of a helicopter was enough to bring you to the movies I'm telling you man. They got video of a real live helicopter So and again, we're crosscutting between that and Jenny

being indoctrinated. So now we get to the part where Jenny prays and she's very clearly trying to seduce Jesus. Yeah, I wrote, this prayer is very uncomfortable. I'm trying to jerk off to this, but I'm not sure. I definitely could beat off to this prayer. Yeah, there was a lot I want you to live inside me kind of stuff.

Dear God, also very letter, very letter to Santa, very like dear God, I'm so sorry you had to die, but maybe just maybe we could go to make out point later and I could make it up to you. And I'm just like, like, slowed you like half a stroke each. I'm just like am I jerking up my hands on it but I might just be holding it I don't I don't know there are also several things before she does this little prayer the the woman says Whoever said love is because they're talking about God love love because but he not because he's gonna I'll you yeah, it's like whoever said love is fair and I was just like the love is fair It has to be for good love is fair. That's helping love. That's why it's not unfair love is not that's okay moving forward and

Then and then after her prayer the woman says to her now remember Jenny God always answers prayer Yes, and I was like, who has dice? Let's do this. I'm a citation. Prima for. Prima for. Prima for. And so then we cut to the, I guess, camp or whatever,

where all these girls work. Where we see that good Christian Jenny is now being good in Christian, walking around Jesusing. And she runs into Patty who tells her, oh, hey, you missed a great time. You could have got fingered on a helicopter. And she's like, no, that's okay. I met Jesus.

That was better. Right, exactly. I wrote, oh, you didn't meet our boyfriends. You were joining a cult. Right. That's too bad you missed out. How was your cult though? Was that fun?

Well, it's gonna kill Sharon Tane? Yeah, right, exactly. Well, that's the thing is that the girl reacts, Patty reacts exactly like you should when your friend walks in and says, oh, that's okay, I found Jesus, and now I'm all Jesus. And she's like, oh, what would you look at the time?

I'm gonna say that. She says exactly, she says, she says, I'm a Christian now, her friend goes, well, that's great. And I was like I'm a Christian was it that's exactly what I would say well, I'm a Christian now Gee, that's fantastic. We should get the check. We've only gotten our waters, but you know what? It was filling water All full of water couldn't need a bite gonna run now gonna run out of the room Literally All full of water couldn't need a bite gonna run now gonna run out of the room Literally

And then we cut to okay, so Jenny's outside and in hip preacher guy from the mask dude is there being all Charles Manson in the park Oh, and he says anyone So this is fat Ralphie, right? Yes, yes, this is fat Ralphie. Okay, good. I'm just keeping track here Right, oh, we got chubby we got chubby monkeys and we got fat Ralphie right yes, yeah, this is fat Ralphie. Okay, exactly. I'm just keeping track here right oh, we got chubby We got chubby monkeys and we got fat Ralphie But he asked Jenny in the 70s he goes anyone giving you a bad time about becoming a Christian Yeah, I wrote in America where everyone's a fucking Christian, right? I can't think of a thing that people would less give you a bad time about in America in the 70s

Hey, I'm a Christian now. That's great. I'm also white fantastic anyone giving you a hard time about that And then he tells her that Satan is gonna come after her. Yes, exactly That was a big promise that did not get fulfilled spoiler alert I was really hoping that's at some point we would get to meet satin who would come after jenny in these movies and listen there's two more movies are seven more movies of these something that you know uh... if if satin does not physically chase jenny at some point i'm gonna feel cheated well as so what he's trying to tell her i guess now is at this point is now that

your christian satan is going to tempt you and tell you you can't do it and blah blah blah and i'm thinking of myself but from a theological perspective what you're a Christian, Satan is going to tempt you and tell you you can't do it and blow up on it. And I'm thinking to myself, but from a theological perspective, what you're saying to me now is that before I joined your cult, Satan didn't give a shit about me and now you have unleashed the devil upon me. Yeah, exactly. So even if I'm buying into your bullshit, this is definitely a bad for me, isn't it?

Yeah, exactly. You just opened yourself up to a whole bunch of shit, Jenny. I'm just letting you know. Yeah, I want to let you know quick after you drank the blood or whatever And and then he also he closes it off with the he's telling her about all the new magic Jesus powers that she has And he goes isn't that neat that the actual line fucking died Isn't that neat talk to Jesus often because he's saying you can talk to Jesus anytime you want and talk to him often Isn't that neat? I'm like not so neat. That's so not so great and then we close off with this awkward

You know somebody shows up to invite them to the next scene You want to go water skiing? Yeah, exactly. So then we got a 72 minute water-skinned montage. Yes, we do. Listen, and this is the first time I wrote this. This is the American International Gorilla Jays. There's just several long scenes where you're like, is this a music video? Is this a... I don't know. And can we talk about the music? We've already talked about the opening song and shit, but the rest of the music is, this movie is scored

like a fucking Bugs Bunny cartoon most of the time. You literally get, right. Kind of shit in there, but in this particular scene, the music playing in the background of the water skiing, it's like a cowboy is about to get laid. Yeah, it's like music that a porno turned down.

Right, yes. It's like, oh, damn, but no, man, I think can we just get like some jazz trumpets or something? I feel like this is a little, I think people think it's silly. I think it'll think it's silly. I don't think they're ready for this.

It's gonna throw off their rhythm when they're, anyway. So there is an insanely long amount of water skiing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha sitting there with my notes and my, just a little behind the scenes, I sit there with my computer on my lap, taking my notes and I'm watching it on my TV and I'm just, my hands are hovering over the keyboard and I'm just like typing the word water skiing in 40 seconds, water skiing. Water skiing. Water skiing. What if this whole movie's water skiing?

I can't do an hour on water skiing. I went tubing once So a movie I'd be scared because there's like so many like monos hands of fate long walking the scenes and shit like that And I'm like dude, we're gonna get done with this movie. We're gonna be like, okay, that's only 28 minutes We're gonna end up we're gonna end up as the untimed chess tournaments of podcasts. Yeah They're on the SPN at one o'clock in the morning, guys. They're great. People start to talk about problems they're having with their wives. Just check it out. YouTube on time, chess tournaments, confession, you will never, ever regret it. It's the bet. But that's what this movie experience was. I was like, well, they're going to get to know

some stuff about Eli. This is, this is, we're going to turn this into a bio pick this one Really talking about some real shit guys time to talk about some real shit. Oh What's happening in the movie? I don't know she's still being chased by a helicopter water ski. Yeah, yeah So eventually the water skiing comes to it and and we get them all said that the three girls are now sitting around at a picnic table Chatting about their boyfriends except for Jenny who's a good Christian, it doesn't have a boyfriend. Right. And this is the point where you really do think, oh my god, this is my changing body. Right.

Because we're going to hear about menstrual blood. Well, Diane decides to give Patty the sex talk. Yeah. So yeah, so Diane says like, oh, well, maybe I should tell you how penis isn't stuff work. And Jenny gets up and she's like, well, I'm gonna go for a walk. I don't want to hear about all this. Right. I don't want to. I'm sorry. I just don't want to hear that kind of talk. And I had this moment where I was like, is that the 17s or is that just her? I feel like the 70s was the time where you got to say that now when someone's like, I don't want to hear that kind of talk. I'm instantly like fuck shit. Cunt pussy shit shit shit

Fucking oh shit down my throat all vomited back into your pussy And they're like oh This is a funeral and I'm like sorry sorry. You just told me not to It's the year 2015 you said words were magic and I got to Fuck you Are you showing my son porn on your phone? It's the year 2015 he said words were magic and I got to fuck you Are you showing my son porn on your phone? I'm sorry. I can't at this point my actions are not my own I remember that I was in a video like that see grandma gets it But I had this moment where I was like is that the 70s or is that a thing? And again, Diane, my fucking hero, is like fine Jenny sit down. We'll talk about sex when the children go to bed and I was like, good job Diane.

Yeah, right, right, exactly. So as I said, they start talking about the end of the world and their boyfriends. And their boyfriends and where their boyfriends work. Right. And this is where we learn that Freddie Mercury works as an EMT and cowboy want to fuck works at the zoo works at the zoo and that will be important and they have to shoehorn that in because it will be important. Yeah. And then they and then once again they're all hanging out with buzzkill mans in at a picnic and okay, first of all the very very first thing you see in this fucking scene or at least the very first thing I saw was the fact that he was wearing denim speedos. Yeah, these shorts are incredibly short.

They are uncomfortably short. I listen, I used to host a drag show at the Stonewall Inn in the village and if I went into the center of that during Pride Week and was like, what do you guys think of this shorts? The gay guys would have been like, a little bit too revealing. Yeah, a little, a little much. A little bit much, right? Keep it, leave something to the mystery.

I can see your dick, yeah, but I'm not wearing shorts, fair. That's fair. Yeah, they are insane. also I wrote I wrote my notes Hey man, you're wrecking our picnic because all this character does is very casually be like It's gonna be a whole new ball game and evil will rule supreme This is not good picnic talk. No Which finally you know Jerry who is Freddie Mercury? Yeah Jerry is the voice of reason in this movie for just a moment

where he's like, he's like, yeah, evil will real supreme and the devil will rise and demons will eat the eyes of the children. And Jerry's like, yeah, I don't know about that man. You want some potato salad? Can you shut up for a few minutes or something? Try to get your balls through. Try to get your balls through.

At least keep your legs together in those short. Where are the rest of your pants? I don't know. Pretty groovy. Isn't it neat? No, it is not neat. But instead, so Freddie Mercury is trying to like, hey guys, dude, I'm going to try to get laid at some point.

So let's not talk about this. But everybody else decides they want to jump in. So patty, like this is where Patty's like, well, isn't there supposed to be some kind of mark of the beast or something? And these are what that's going to be critical to this movie. So let's talk about that now, too.

She says, isn't there supposed to be some kind of mark of the beast? And then the friend, not Diane, the other one, who's going to be the main character, goes, my grandmother told me about the mark of the beast. And I wrote my notes she was not well and I just had a I wanted a flash cut to the grandmother being like the devil gonna come for you gonna stay belong to your forehead his Satan star alright grandma you want to go back into night nightland yes please yeah they made more pills once they

gave her pills grandma stopped talking about the mark of the beast But you know at which point they're they're all trying to figure out what the mark of the beast is going to be Which by the way it's fantastic so buckle up pretty it's gonna be fantastic They're all trying to figure out what the mark of the beast is going to be and The preacher guy explains it fat Ralphie explains it as it's gonna be like a super evil credit card And I was like what what You mean like a diner's club card. It's gonna be discovered I get it and then Jerry does Humphrey Bogart again again in Jerry's defense someone's talking about the apocalypse so I would also just

Revert back to my impressions. He just instantly is like,, ah, shwita look like the macala bass is coming for us Anything except this stupid conversation. Yes, exactly But then and then to lead us into the next scene Paddy says well, why doesn't my minister talk about all this crazy shit that you're saying is gonna happen and then we cut to her minister who is Bad bad this is Possibly listen, I know we say this is the worst movie we've ever seen This is the highlight you know what you watch a Christian movie every week and tell you it doesn't get worse

After each day you get tortured is a little bit harder. Ask Jack out. Anyways, so the minister, but this is one of the most confusing scenes, because the minister gives, I hate sermons. OK. I don't know if you could guess that about me. Not a big fan of sermons. He gives one of the nicest sermons I have ever heard. Says, would I appreciate beauty less if Jesus were not version born and he's just putting out

He says what matters is man's relations to man and I wrote I wrote what matters is man's relation to man A hyphen someone who is wrong in this movie. Well, what the wrong person in this movie says But they don't reveal to you right away that this guy is wrong You know like I guess eventually we're supposed to figure that out or eventually it tells us that Quite clearly, but he's saying all of this really great shit He's going like and maybe you look at the Bible and you say, you know would a loving God really condemn people to hell I wouldn't do that if I were God and I'm like he like, so perhaps we should look at this as poetry and a guide. And I'm like, all right, yes, you've convinced me.

It's poetic, but it's vulgar and poetic, but it's poetic. That's fine. It's not great poetry. No, I've got some keats that's gonna blow your fucking dick off, bro. I've got some dirty lemurics that would give it a run for its money, too. I've got two names, my friend doctor and sis get ready

Blow your fucking mind. Thought it's way out of a concentration camp. This guy is like Very clearly a humanist. Yeah wrong job And I wrote that time quite a bit. I was like, amen. Do you know your preacher? Or is it they just like would see sick that day and some was someone from the science department at the local local university got up and was like, all right, me today. Yes, it's my turn. Um, and then so he's kind of talking about this whole like, let's not take the Bible to literally thing.

And again, in order to cleverly segue into the next scene, he says, do you need to believe in a real serpent? And then it's a serpent. Yes. And then we do a cobra. So I want to talk for a second about where cowboy want to fuck. I never knew him by any other name. I think it was gym. But yeah, sure. Cowboy want to fuck us. Yeah. Cowboy want a fuck. The zoo that cowboy want a fuck works in is Nine cages Around a room with entirely different animals in it. Yes, and the cobra cage is open

like what I Would spend so much time checking that cobra cage If we make a pie chart of Eli's day at the zoo it would be all like a little sliver of other zoo shit and then everything else would be making sure cobra cage was closed and secure. But he's just like fucking hanging out building a book and Ikea bookcase in the middle of the room. While the cobra the cobra looks confused the cobra is like I'm sorry I just is this open for a reason I'm a cobra I feel like we should be more safe. I'm gonna stay in here

Someone should close this. Oh, this is unprofessional Very and let's well, and also it's kind of unprofessional I would think of the zoo even if the cobra is locked up to have a Non-like-deventomed Cobras that we find out later has like this. It's this crazy strain of super co-bro Yeah for which there is no antidote. So yeah, having him at all is probably careless let alone in the unlocked gauge Right. Yeah, now this is probably the most famous scene from this movie I think it probably because nothing else happens in the entire goddamn movie

Yeah, I think if you were if you were like Eli described this movie I think it probably because nothing else happens in the entire goddamn movie. Yeah, I think if you were like Eli described this movie I'd be like at one point there's a cobra because nothing else fucking happens. You can't describe 45 minutes of someone running away from a helicopter. He's gone. Oh no wait, there it is. So this is what sticks with people. And also I guess they used to show this movie to children, at least according to our listeners, they got shown this as children. So I get how the snake would have been scary to kids. So that probably would have stuck with you. Yeah, right, right. So he gets bit by the, by the cold bro when he reaches for his nail or whatever.

And then they bring him to the hospital in the Ghostbusters car. Right. And okay, so at first, now this, eventually this sort of gets explained, but my first thought is okay So you need that character to be in the hospital and your way to get there was bit by Cobra right yeah, I was like the first the first thing that came out in the writers room there Yeah, so um we just need him to have like a near-death experience where he's gonna find Jesus just throw out your first ideas Whatever I mean Cobra here's big by Cobra Jesus just throw out your first ideas whatever I mean

Cobra here gets picked by a cobra Cobra for which there is no antidote Um, I mean can we get some other ideas? Nope, that one's fine. That's what I'm saying. Really no other ideas. What about a car crash? I'm sorry a car car

What happens to the car now? You know they crash into each other Nope never heard of it. My buddy got bit by a cobra though Here I'm going what the fuck? Alan got bit by a cobra the other day. It's true. I did. I left the cage open. That's all the time. So now like the girlfriend and and jet patty and Jenny are hanging out

and Jimmy, by the way, it has wrapped her head in wrapping paper. That is the only way. I don't know what's going on. Are those curlers? There are curlers involved, yes, and then there's she's I think she's trying to like bring back headscarves for women or something. Yeah, she's she's doing a hijab wrong. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. She looks like someone wrapped her head like someone was like, Mary Christmas. There's the top of the head. It's fucking crazy. The doctor comes out and the doctor's like well He's got random in his blood So then we we learned that there is no anodote for the

Poisonous snake that he just got bitten by so here's what they're gonna do guys They found a guy who gets bit by coppers all the fucking time and they're just gonna give him that guys blood. Right. We're gonna give him a blood transition from a guy who's been bit by copers enough that he's no longer. Now listen, this falls firmly, firmly into the category of things that I have no fucking idea whether or not they're real, but I feel like you don't develop antibodies to venom.

Well, I don't know. There's a myth or datasm where you can, like, you can become immune to Iocaine powder. I saw that in a documentary one time. But I don't know if it works that way with venom, but I'm pretty sure. I don't know. We'll get some, like, venom professional in here to tell us for sure. But I'm pretty sure this is complete a Bullshit got off of movies and no especially along with pictures of your tits As many as you can send them guys. You didn't get hardly any and I don't want to say it was disappointed But he needs dozens dozens and dozens got three shows to edit and I want his workday interrupted by hundreds thousands. Any of you is like a NASA hacker and you could just somehow send

DDoS with just the same nipple over and over. Let's I'll leave that to you That's it. The good thing is that you also leave the editing to me. So no, ever no. Next week on game. I am, I'm fat fat. Ha ha ha. All right, so now, oh, by the way, this is the closest we're ever going to get to a non white guy to the guy with the Indian,

or the, the cobra proof blood. Yeah, I wrote Mr. Miyagi's blood is full of empty bad. Ha ha ha. See, I thought he was the guy that tortured Mel Gibson and lethal weapon, but I was wrong too And so we get several now we get several prayers now for for cowboy want to fuck starting with Jenny Who's just basically like dear? God why did you try to kill her boyfriend with a snake?

I mean, I know you had your reasons. I'm sure there was like something that you were trying to do or something and I'm Like, it's probably a mistake or something. She's like she's doing the equivalent of you ever call you ever have friends and one of them Does something fucked up to the other friend and then you got to make the phone call? Yes, I'm kissing that first I'm like so like listen, I know there's two sides of the story, but you broke a vase over Jerry's head Because he's a fat Jew. And I'm just wondering like, what kind of fat Jew was he? That means you see that. That's the prayer she's doing is just like, now I'm not taking

signs, God. You might have had a perfectly good reason to have a cobra bite some blood. So then they bring in the hospital preacher and he prays over him in Jenny, praise. And then we're counting back to the helicopter again. Yeah again. I'm trying to like I'm trying to like I'm trying to watch we watch in real time this it's like 24 we watch in real time this Asian travel from the to now you saw boyhood boyhood stole this from yeah in the night when they

watched this and we watched everyone grow up as this man took a train and then waited on a bus and then took a shad on the bus and he was like, oh the bathroom won't close all the way. It's so fucking slow. But anyways, they pray and cowboy want to fuck gets better. Yes, yes, God saved him from the snake that God sent him. Great. Is the movie over or is the movie gonna start? Right, what's going on? Yeah, yeah, so I guess we're now cutting to everybody's getting to, is about to go to church,

or they're meeting outside in front of church. And Jim, the cowboy wanna fuck, shows up in a pink blazer, go 70s. And he starts explaining to everybody that he's a Christian now because while he was in the hospital hooked to scientific machines, while scientifically trained doctors did science stuff to try to keep him science to life, somebody preached over him too, and that must have been... And listen, we all know what really cured him.

Yes, exactly. That must have been and listen we all know what really cured him. Yes Exactly and I wanted so badly for there to be a shot of just over his shoulder the Asian guy who flew across the country to give him a blood transfusion Just being like oh nice really nice. Okay. Well quite well I brought this bean dip to share, but you know I just take it home. Yeah, I just take it home Fuck this fuck fuck fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck. I mean I love it even in their own movies like even in a movie where you get to control the entire universe you could have the guy get bit by a snake and then everyone breaks down. Exactly but even in their own fucking movie they have the science and shit being being done and the drugs being used and every other

fucking thing and at the end of it he's like well you know know, it's probably a guy who came and honored some magic spells Well all the science guys were doing their science stuff fuck you. Yeah Yeah, so So then we get so the the pastor is preaching and I want to point out the pastor here reads like not well He's not a great reader. He's not an A group reader. He's not a green group reader. He's like Jesus Set ed and I'm like, oh man. I wish this guy was better at reading was there not a there was no screen test for this guy So also there's a beautiful moment while he's preaching and this is something exclusively from Semeny's movies

while he's preaching and this is something exclusively from Semane's movies. Exclusively from Semane's movies in the United States, which is extras didn't know how to have like faces full of aliveness. Yet. So everyone could not look more bored or dead faced while this guy is preaching. He's like, and the lords and you cut to the faces

and they're all just like. Oh, no, no, no. Well, I may have filmed it in a real church too. Now, this is supposed to be the contrast by the way to the bad preacher that we got earlier that was talking about how you should just love people and how even if Jesus wasn't born of a virgin, it doesn't matter because you should still love your fellow man and blah, blah, blah. The evil guy that said that, now we get a good preacher. And by the way, this is listed in the credits house Good preacher this guy is nice and he says let's talk about the end times and the crag goes

And he spends his entire fucking sermon talking about the anti Christ the good preacher talks about superstitious bullshit the entire time The bad preacher talks about loving human beings right in their own movie Yep, that's that's how we know again once again Christian movies have reversed who the good and bad guys are in every other Situation, yes exactly they just don't get this so he's talking about the antichrist He mentions how will we know who the antichrist and his answer seems to be people will call him the antichrist. I was like so Obama. Yes, I wrote that because he's going like, who will that leader be?

And I'm like, who? I know, I know. I know. I saw the history channel special. So I can't even see the end of it. What's so fantastic about this is there's a moment he tells that he shares a story where he's like, my neighbor in Nebraska Got up to use the bathroom and because his wife believes the crazy shit that just came out of my mouth

She thought that he went to heaven. Yes That's this story is used to prove how it's impossible to tell the delusions of a scared woman at night from the reality I'm describing to you. Yes. And yeah, and they apparently are not aware of the irony whatsoever. Oh, not at all. That's not that's a story I use. That's a story. Even someone were like Eli, what's your evidence against the rapture? And I was like, well, I knew a lady in Nebraska who thought there was the rapture because she was just a fucking crazy person. Because there was laundry sitting around yeah yeah exactly

and then also in this nineteen seventy two release the pastor talks about how we are definitely in the end times right now because all of the stuff that the bible said was gonna happen is happening right now in a way that it's never happened before in nineteen seventy fucking two that it's never happened before. In 1970, fucking two. Yeah, it's important to recognize that all of the people you see in their 30s and 40s in some of their 50s, the people who thought it was the end times during this movie are dead now.

Yes, they are, they lived and they died being like, any minute now, dead. Right, exactly. And not only, of course, am I contrasting that to the people who are alive right now who are saying that same thing But also I'm in the middle of reading the fucking Bible and in the book of God damn James Which was written in 90 CE they were saying that shit They're like I know it seems like we said there was gonna be a rapture by now and I've we kind of dead

But trust me any day now that was like two thousand fucking years ago at every point in Christian history every fucking Christian Is said the same fucking thing about us being in the end times right now and never being and has never been Miffed by any of the people before them being no yeah right that is completely unconvincing to them when I show I'm like I could show them this 1972 movies like oh look see they were saying the same thing you're saying now in 1972 also What's your point? 90 CE yeah, I understand Anyways as I was saying now is unlike any other time in the universe by the way if you guys aren't following along with this particular weeks holy babble get on it James is the iron

Rand of fucking Isn't it yes, let me tell you if all the rich people you want to let two people into your restaurant One of them's a smelly hobo and one of them's a rich guy if you don't fuck that hobo to death You're a great person I'm Jesus's brother even though he's been dead for a hundred years. Yeah. Yeah I'm Moses this is like the lot this is like the he's the pathological lion kid in your elementary school Who was like Michael Jackson's my dad. It's like no dude Michael Jackson's not your dad See I wouldn't use the Ben Ben Carson as the example I stabbed somebody when I sure you did sure you did

They were gonna use it for grain Shaped like a triangle. That's his reason by the way. Oh, it's shaped like a triangle that's his reason by the way oh it's a shape all because the grain would pile up and yeah yeah that's nothing to do with that being the only way that geometry would allow them to build something so big with the equipment that you're trying to be fair in Carson's defense which is why all green silos today are shaped like the pyramids of course. Oh, I'm gonna miss. So now, so as though we haven't gotten enough of the preacher tells the story about, oh, the, you know, the lady saw our husband shirt and freaked out and thought it was a rapture so she killed herself so she could be with him. Now we get a scene where this little girl is coming home from church where they were just talking about all this

crazy shit. She sees that there's a pot on the stove and nobody next to the pot and so she freaks the fuck out because she thinks that her parents have been raptured and she's been left behind in this desolate world. It's almost like you shouldn't tell children this story. Yes, a fucking course exactly. I was like, did I write this movie? This is a great example of why that's not and with by the way They they heal it. So you know, they all run in and she's like And they were like, okay, you don't worry we're all fine So they have an obsessive ritual to make it worse

Instead of telling the little girl no honey You can't really think that that's gonna happen because that's kind of like a yes They have to play along with that and they're like, okay Well, let's make sure that Jesus takes you to when the demons come which is definitely really gonna happen Yeah, listen I was at a childhood friend's house and I saw child's play when I was 12 years old and that movie scared the shit out of me. And so the next night when I came home, I had a nightmare that my dolls were gonna come

to life or my figures were gonna come to life and they were gonna kill me. And I ran into my parents' room and I was like, and give me, and then the stretch arms strong is gonna strangle me. And luckily my parents weren't like, yeah, you know what stretch arm strong might strangle you. But would you like to have a, and then then brought the doll in and been like, do you wanna apologize to stretch arm strong?

Is there's anything you did to piss him off? So the maybe he doesn't? Cause I don't know. I don't know. I know that he can come to life and kill you That does happen, but he's not gonna do it now if you talk nice to him And and again like I kept thinking that the movie was gonna step in at some point and just go see now This is why you gotta be real careful with the way you tell children, but no, uh-uh. No. This is like, you know

Children should be terrified every time you're not in the room that you may have been dragged down to hell by Jesus' fucking pet demons. Exactly. That's how you should raise your fucking kids. Yeah. And now we cut to a wedding because apparently Patty and Jim are getting married or something. Right. They get married and then Freddie Mercury is also their chauffeur. Yeah, well, it's because he's in EMT so he knows how to drive. Either also driving in Daniel LaRusso's car from Karate Kid. In the 1970s, was there only one guy per town who was allowed to drive?

That worked. So only like there was one driver's license you just passed it around. No, no. And then we get a montage of them growing old together of them like living their lives, which by way Most pleasant part of this movie is just watching these family fake family photos of this couple Yeah, like go in a Christmas cook and dinner while we hear the I wish we'd all been ready song again again Yes, the movies it hour and ten minutes and they're gonna give us that song three fucking times and by the way now

Like up to this point this movie is really given us no real indication that it was about these two people but now it is no very clearly about Jenny right up until it's about Jenny and then she completely just won't because she gets raptured I guess but she completely disappears at this point literally disappears

yeah yeah exactly I just want to point out one thing though in the photo montage There's one very clear photo of her with her back to the camera and him being like dad asked am I right? There's one just one of the photos if you watch this movie Where it's just like it's all like I'm feeding you wedding cake. You're feeding me all we're opening Christmas presents But then there's one thing where he's just like look at that Look at that fucking peach Not gonna be the all monomotekabai I'm gonna take a bite of that. There's a whole bunch of camp pictures that we missed

Exactly, exactly now this photo montage by the way and this movie does this several times It took me a minute to figure out what was going on here But they only had like 53 minutes of film that they could use in the camera and they wanted to make a 90 minute movie, which is why we see so many of the scenes over and over again and why we get like photo montages right in the middle of the movie that last for four minutes and shit like that, they didn't have enough film for a whole movie. Right. A lot of the movie makes more sense if you look at it.

How redundant is this scene? There's a photo of them looking at photos. Right. By the way, Christian Movie Bingo, that is now the second Christian movie in which someone is doing a thing of a thing, a photo of a photo or a found footage of a found footage. Oh, alright. This is the cinematic tradition that we're entering. The nesting dolls of cinema, yeah yeah exactly. So now we have to like shoehorn in some more preaching to the film. So I guess in this next scene the pastor

is visiting the young married couple at home or something they're having pretzels together. More Jesus-y, but he's already a Christian at this point. Yes, exactly. And so is she, and again, she said this several times, I'm a Christian. And, you know, I feel like it's enough that I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, whatever. And I do good things for people and I follow the commandments. She said this multiple times through the movie, which is again, the wrong way to believe in Jesus according to this film. Right. The first thing this preacher says is God made us for himself so that he may enjoy us hmmm which is that a thing? I can't say how often in my notes I wrote during this movie is

that a thing that sounds like a crazy scientist who builds fuck dolls that's a great way to describe the the fuck doll that you made out of K. Y of KY jelly and an old pair of pants that your ex left when she moved out. That's not how you describe the creator of the universe. Well, that's how they do anyway. Yeah. Made us for himself so he may enjoy us. I'm just saying, if you ever meet me and I'm like, hey, I just want you to know I made you for myself so I may enjoy you. You have permission to stab me in the throat with a letter opener. I'm about to do some weird shit to you. You should run away.

Get your pepper spray out. I mean, but that's kind of the point that Patty's making here because she's like, well, I thought God was love. So, you know, what's happening? I love you. God is love. He's just not like love love.

He loves being with, he loves spending time with us. He has love for us. It's not you. It's not you. It's not you. It's God. And, uh, and of course, then Jim has a really good question. He's like, um, well, he loves me so much. Why did he bite me with a cobra? Uh, it was because it was a test. It was a cobra test. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's exactly test. The test was he bites you with a cobra and then you Die or you don't die You don't don't die and that's and that's what that's this point is like well look at it this way He could have murdered you but he didn't which I want to point out how unfair that is that whenever I tell someone that I could have Murdered them, but I didn't they call the cops and get a straining order and no longer let me teach

it their child's school but when the teacher in this movie says that he's just allowed to walk free. That's complete bullshit. And by the way if you were wondering why and believe me I was they went to all of this ridiculous effort with this cobra blood transfusion thing. It was because that was supposed to be symbolic of Jesus giving his blood to save you, the way that Mr. Miyagi gave his blood to Jim to save Jim. Mr. Miyagi actually did it. Yeah, exactly.

That is the word. Mr. Miyagi exists. And yeah. I just wrote, at this point in my notes, I wrote, it's weird to see a time period when people were trying to convert people to Christianity who weren't old black women on the subway. This is weird. I was like, oh yeah, white people must have wanted to spread Christianity at 1.2. That's fun.

It's interesting, but we can get dinosaur bones. Oh, someone who's profilitizing who's not Mexican. Adorable. Weird. profilitizing who's not Mexican adorable weird so yeah yeah so the Minister makes this like very important point about how I've got it killed you you'd be dead and Then he just keeps talking for a really long fucking time And I thought like the title of this movie should be I wish I hadn't invited you in This was a bet. Let's not invite them again. The movie. Exactly, exactly.

And also, I want to point out that sideburns make people look like early hominids. I'm so glad that those aren't the thing anymore. For most of us. I'm bringing them back. Bringing them back. Next time you see me, I will have the exact same Freddie Mercury.

Look. And the guy in his face. No, I'll tell you what, that is a Patreon goal that would probably earn us some dollars. Yeah, listen people. Get E-Line porn stash. Listen people, I will wear whatever I want. I sit behind this mic now, all I use is my voice.

My fiance's kinda already got to marry me, guys. You can dress me however you want. I'll be your pretty little girl. I'll do a Donald Trump voice while you all shoot goof juice onto my face. I don't care. I used to work at a toy store. That's infinitely more pleasant. Yeah, yeah, no.

No kidding. All right, and so now we, I don't know. Okay, so at some point in this movie, like eight, nine, ten years past because they have a kid and she's ten years old now. Right, but it's not the kid from earlier in the movie. No, just confusing. Right, right, because just a few minutes ago we had another kid that was this exact same age and they had the same hair color, but now apparently this is Patty's kid.

Patty is 11 years older without visibly aging whatsoever and her little girl is shining. Right, she's shining and she has the puppet from mr. Rogers. Yeah, exactly exactly and it's saying red rom or whatever Right, she's like her there. I'm up. It's very weird. Yeah, yeah, and then before she leaves She's like okay, I'm gonna go get some eggs the little girls like hey don't get raptured Yeah, she's like honey. I'm not gonna get raptured. And she's like, okay, cool. This is what we do every time you leave a room. A parent, fuckingly. And again, like I wrote in my nose,

like this is horribly psychologically damaging. This is fucking child abuse on a psychological level. Stop acting like this isn't fucking horrible. Yeah, exactly, exactly. You're making this child crazy. This is not a good thing right and of course this is where we see Jim and he's you know shaving with his fucking leaf blower whatever it is exactly so now we know modern air conditioner so now we know everything's about

to fucking go down and of course before everybody gets raptured We have to see short shorts one more time. Yeah, so we get a guy with a lawnmower wearing a denim thong Yeah, and and that so that later we can see the lawnmower running But there's no guy in a denim thong right and we see a guy putting up a church sign Which by the way the church is called the church of the open Bible how lazy is your fucking shirt what do we call it the Bible church of the Bible no I can't use that open Bible done great make the signs we couldn't find a URL that wasn't taken so yeah yeah so now we have this incredibly mellow dramatic rapture.

I mean, where it's basically just like, you know, people were using equipment and now that equipment is on and unlike the Nick Cage rapture, everybody gets to take their clothes to heaven. So that's less fun like decent Christians. Yeah, exactly. And and now we're basically back to the beginning where she woke up and they were talking very calmly about the rapture on the radio Right, so I guess we're more than halfway through this movie and the only thing that really happened is the thing that happened in the opening Seconds and of course some back preaching and here I am left with the herculean effort of trying to make the final act sound good before we go to break So here goes my best effort Will God get what's coming to him from murdering all those babies?

Well, what are these guys' scrotums finally slip out of their shorts? Will Nick Cage save the day? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the monotonous conclusion of a thief in the night. Hey there, Jenny. Hey, Fat Ralphie. How's being a Christian working out for you? Oh, it's been swell fat Ralphie.

All my friends get so inspired when I tell them about it that they remember they have to wash their hair. Well, cleanliness is next to godliness, you know. Yeah, and it even works for my bald friends. Well, that's neater, Rific Jenny. So, has anybody given you a hard time for being a Christian? What do you mean? Well, you know, throwing eggs at you, trying to feed you to lions, not putting Merry Christmas

on the Starbucks cups, that kind of thing. Well, Schucks, fat, Ralphie. It's America, 1972, and over 90% of the people in this country are Christian, and we're in Iowa, so it's not like we have Jews or anything. Hell, I don't even think I've ever met a Catholic. So of course, nobody's given me a hard time. That's a really stupid question. Well, sure, but it's not only humans you have to worry about. What do you mean by that, Sat Ralfi?

Well, now that you're a Christian, the dark overlord of hell will try to attack you every chance he gets and drag you screaming into the pits of hell with promises of luxurious temptations. Gully fat Ralphie, that sounds a lot like the railblings of a psychopath. Are you sure you're okay? I get that question a lot. Even the colony Aleprakons that live in my medicine chest out my sanity from time to time, but no, I'm perfectly sane and the demons want to kill you. Are you sure?

Because that sounds like sort of an either or kind of thing. And you just now ate them off. It was sent from the depths of Hades to spy on us. Are you sure? Hey, do you want to see how far I can jam this slide rule into my eye socket? No! Are you sure? Yes!

How about now? You. Does your credit card give you cash back on all your Satanic paraphernalia? Is it welcome to all the baby bloodbodegas? Does it offer you loyalty rewards just for renouncing the name of Jesus and pledging your soul to the desolate one? Well why not try the new super evil credit card from the people that brought you conquest, war and famine. Earn 6% cash back on government rations, 6% cash back on flesh of innocence, and 6% back

on travel. And as a special bonus for signing up now, we won't murder you. Super evil credit card. What's on your forehead? And with an all-new appreciation for what the chick from 50 Shade's Agray felt like we're back for more. And since this movie can't afford to show us stuff happening, the bulk of Act 3 will take place through talking heads and radio broadcasts, telling us what's happening, beginning

with a perpetual Christian movie bad guys, the UN. Ooh, the UN. And what I'd like about the UN, first of all that first is that the the guy who represents the UN is Bernie Sanders I like that. Oh, it's nice to see Bernie Sanders didn't get raptured. Yeah, well, I know what you think. They have arm bands Yes, which is a nice touch. I've often thought that they were too subtle in these movies so the armpits I want that meeting Why can't we see that meeting so guys? What are we thinking we do to for the new you and well what about our bands? Oh, you know they so great with the last one that did our About that I don't remember that it was a thing right I can see a bunch of

Walking around with our bands and i just don't know well it's a great idea i love yeah exactly so Bernie Sanders is standing up there with his you you in arm band basically saying okay so everybody disappeared so we decided we would take over the world uh... thought you we would let you know right i'm okay with anything yeah totally fine sounds great to me yeah also

there's a uh... spinning newspaper moment where it's like a rapture everyone Well, I'm not gonna break anything. Yeah, totally fine. Sounds great to me. Yeah. Also, there's a spinning newspaper moment where it's like a rapture. Everyone disappears, but the second largest headline is American Swimmers Suspended. There's all the shit going on, though. It's not just the rapture. It's not just the rapture.

We also want you to know that this guy maybe didn't do his best at this swimming tournament. Is there a form? Get it take a break. He apparently was distracted by the fact that the planet got raptured. I don't know. It sounded like excuses to me. Yeah. Yeah.

So yeah, we had the headline spinning that says, you and promises not to fuck with you too bad. And then we get the whole, the, the mark of the beast thing, right? Which is, okay. So they say, all right, well, just to make sure everybody is a good citizen, come in and get a tattoo on your head or your hand, it trust you.

On your hand or on your face. Yes, exactly. Exactly, that's the other option there, apparently. The things that don't make sense about this particular choice are unlimited. First of all, the idea that you could get anyone in America Things that don't make sense about this particular choice are unlimited. First of all, the idea that you could get anyone in America to come get a tattoo. I mean, you can go on YouTube and find dozens of videos of people just being like, I don't

acknowledge speeding laws in this country. Americans don't acknowledge speeding laws. The don't go so fast you die laws are confidently being challenged by guys with dash cams And yet we're supposed to believe that everyone was just like oh well question Can I get this tattoo on my face? I don't think back my hand would be a little too subtle. Yeah, I just you know I wear gloves sometimes and I don't want people to I don't want people to miss my tattoo, I want them to know.

Okay, so now, first of all, we have to point out that the way you get your tattoo is with a price scanner. Oh, yeah. They hold up with a normal size electric razor. Yeah, exactly, exactly. They hold an electric razor up to your hand, and it goes, and it gives you a tattoo that certainly looks like it was just put on there

with one of those little price guns that they have at the fucking supermarket. But don't worry, trust us, it you a tattoo that certainly looks like it was just put on there with one of those little price guns that they have at the fucking supermarket but don't worry trust us it's a tattoo we see a woman getting it and she goes will it wash off and i'm like no lady it's a tattoo that's why we can't like you shouldn't have come to get your tattoo you're like you're the only one of these explain to you and i love the whole like now trust us it's not for Satan the reasons that we want you to do this this is just so that you can show that you're a good citizen right exactly so then we get the scene where she's

walking down the street and all this you know businesses won't let you in it is like you know this barber shop is only for snitches with stars you know yeah and what what delicious fucking irony that this movie talks about what it's like to be treated badly when you're a non-citizen Yes, exactly. This movie has as its theme how terrible it is to be treated by people who want you to be a citizen. I was like, oh, I bet if you tried to bring this metaphor to people's minds, they wouldn't get it. Oh, you see, like the people will just treat a person just because of where they're from and they're not a citizen, right? It's really terrible. Can you think of anything else like that? No. What about the guy who's doing your gardening right now? What? No. I meant like

a white person. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Like all the people in this movie. But yeah, that irony is fantastic. In a movie almost certainly made by people who would have been right alongside Trump and building a giant fence, are like, good, can you believe how terrible it must be to be treated as a non-citizen? Yes. And that's exactly what they say, too, because they call them, you're a citizen if you have the little tattoo thing.

So the signs all say you know citizens only in shit like that on them and she doesn't have her tattoo because she knows the tattoos are evil Satany stuff you know because the guy from the mask told her about that earlier yeah and so she doesn't want to get it so then we cut back to her watching TV and now the the UN is stepping up their tattoo everybody on the forehead thing because they're saying at this point They're like all right, so now if you didn't get your face tattooed It's pretty safe to assume that you're probably one of the people that raptured everybody or whatever early Right, we decided to we now this might seem like a not logical step, but anyone without a tattoo is now under arrest

Anyone without a tattoo is now under arrest. Well, and subject to prolonged inconvenience. I wrote prolonged inconvenience. They gotta go to the DMV. Yeah, exactly. All right, now, third, I need a different form from you. Can you please, I just wanna talk to anybody. Please don't tell me to sit back down. All right, third, if you just have a seat,

I will call you. I'll get the tattoo Well, but let me put it on my dick. We put it on the whole of my dick We saw the lines at the fucking tattoo place which by the way takes eight seconds I don't know why there'd be a fucking line and you only have to do it once but but but that's a prolonged in Convenient extra tattoo, you know, I mean that that right yeah, right right exactly You also do like a tribal thing on my arm to with that? Guys for that. There's someone has to get on the last speaker guys for the last minute We are not doing any other tattoos today

Please do not request a dragon along with your six six six. I mean ones and zeros tattoo Yes, yeah exactly So now we get the scene where like okay, so she's listening on the TV while they were saying okay We're now going to arrest and murder everybody who doesn't have the tattoo Don't worry. We're not Satan either still and then there's a knock on her door I guess the tattoo police are after her now, right? But they're terrible because they just knock on her door when they don't come when she doesn't come to the door They're like wow, I guess you know, it's shit. That's another one we didn't get right and they just you didn't come to the door man

What are we supposed to do so So she runs, she runs to the church. Yes, yeah, exactly. The, uh, the reverend from the beginning, you remember the bad, bad one who talked about loving your fellow man and that the Bible wasn't the literal word of God. And perhaps it was our, our job to see the beauty of nature as is remember that asshole he learned his lesson now and he is talking to God as though he had drunk dialed his ex you said remember you said I was gonna be like you you said forever I carved our name into a tree and my number my thigh four And my no more my thigh

Also, I just want to point out again, this is the third time I've now seen a person do the I was not a good enough preacher Yeah, the to god monologue and it was weird to not see it done by a black guy Yeah, I was like interesting and also I now pictured I was like since the movies have been going back in time Since we saw the Nick Cage one and then left behind and I was like since the movies have been going back in time since we saw the Nick cage one And then left behind and now this like in the next movie next rapture We're gonna be like a silent film where we see some black and white being like The card comes up. I should have known better It'll be a dude in blackface and that one. I'm sure and this is where we first learned and at least for me

I mean, I guess guess a lot of the people who watched this move, the people for whom this movie was made, when they saw the good preacher say, well, maybe some of it's poetic, maybe some of it's metaphorical, they were like throwing shit at this screen. And stuff. Yeah, they were doing a fucking Rocky Horror picture show. Yeah, exactly.

But for me, this was the first time I was like, oh, he was the bad guy, because he wasn't taking it literally enough. Oh, like oh he was the bad guy cuz he wasn't taking it literally enough I knew he was the bad guy right away anytime someone has a good idea in a Christian movie I'm like, right mother fucker He's gonna get his before it's over I bet this guy's helping and the cyber terrorists breaking to my firm I Wanted that to start affecting my life now so that when people are like,

hey man, you doing okay? Like, make, take some vitamin C. I'm going to be like, oh, nice try trying to fuck my wife. I'm just going to try to tattoo my forehead next. I know how you, I know all this shit. I'm just going to start tweeting at Sam Harris. I know that you're trying to break into my cyber security firm. I've read your books So now we've got we got Reverend Turner. He's chatting with Patty about oh, I was so wrong to tell people that they should love humanity And appreciate nature regardless of whether or not some carpenter was born of a virgin and like and then the soldiers get I'm because apparently the soldiers were sitting waiting in the dark. Yes again We've got another fucking scene where people are in a goddamn room where you would hear the fucking door opening and all of a sudden There's like six other people in the room with them. Yeah, but they chose that they waited until it was a dramatic moment to come in

That meeting was like okay, so guys again just a reminder We're gonna get in the room and then like just give it a second Just give it a second like wait on me And then I'll jump out and I'll get it. Well, we've got a bunch of people doing a rest. I said wait on me I'll I'll choose the most dramatically accurate time to jump in right Red yes the yellow ones were two settles and now their arm rands are red. Yeah So they throw her in the unite van the unite van by way unite is out United nations imperiums for total emergency uh... so they throw her in the unite van the unite van by way unite is out united nations

in periums for total emergency shit acronym guys come on and only to shield in the like and really wanted to spell this word and it's like so heroes i every love dicks

fine no one will ever ask gady baby get some of the jackson so it's get Samuel Jackson. So now we cut to jail where Paddy is being held for failure to have a tattoo on her head. And they're like, there's an old lady there who, by the way, this doesn't matter to anyone who isn't me, but the old lady in the jail who's trying to convince her to get her tattoo looks identical to my grandmother So I had a horrifying moment where I was like grandma Betty No, why you love to you love to collect Betty Boob figurines and send me emails about Israel. No So just a personal moment that I experienced

was just my grandmother. Is the one who's trying to convince her that it's okay and she should just let him get the tattoo. I know that that's just fancy computer talk for 666. Yes. And I was like, no, it's not. Oh, but- But binary.

It is though, it's 0-1-1-0. That's a six. So there's three. That's the tattoo, it's 0, 1, 1, 0. That's a six. So there's three. That's the tattoo, it's 3, 0, 1, 1, 0s. But if you wanted 666 technically, that would be 1, 0, 1, 0, 1, 1, 0, 1, 0. But yeah, yeah, they got more or less right. I think what they were trying to say is

that computers are evil. Right, okay. Because the conversation is so bizarre, because like the old lady comes up to her and she's like, uh, so I know about you people, you're religious and you think that that thing where all the people got raptured away I mean disappeared uh because of the aliens was the rapture but you're wrong because we fed this into a computer and it said so and then and then we get the whole

that tattoo is just computer for six six six you know it's like let's yeah and you know actually like she's trying to get whether she's like you know when we first looked at it we the rapture was fairly high up on our list and it's like yeah you think yeah right like at what was the second option on different rapture that we a slightly different rapture see but now in this movie I got to say I don't know that like if I lived through the rapture of this movie I don't know if I'd be convinced the way if I lived through the left behind rapture that had all the other Biblical shit going on because the only thing we get in this movie is that a bunch of people disappeared

You know we don't get that like is the other one we get all of these different prophecies being fulfilled in the Jews Fire breathing Jews at the wall and shit like that and this one is just everybody disappeared So you know I would be willing like like Rapture wouldn't be particularly high on my list on this one you know until of course they showed that it was only the whatever evangelical Christians in Middle America that believe in this shit that actually I want to see who vanished I'd be figuring that out then I but I got to admit rapture's pretty Pretty high up on my list. I don't know, I watch a lot of these movies. I'm just kidding.

Well, at this point, yeah, I guess at this point. I don't know if you ever walk on the other side of a pole from someone, but whenever I do that with Annam, I'm like, fuck, it's the rapture. All right, fine. You gotta find a black guy. You gotta find a black guy. It's starting to exist in this group.

And a man with a very thick forehead, he's gonna help me out. He'll die for us later on. So yeah, so now, so the old ladies trying to convince her to go ahead and get the tattoo anyway. And I'm not even sure I really understand what was going on in this scene,

but she's like, but Reverend Turner got his tattoo on his head. Let me show you, or something, and then she drags him out and Reverend Turner has been shot in the forehead. Yeah, that was so crazy. She's like Reverend Turner got his tattoo and she's like, really? And she's like, yeah, come on out here and look, see we shot him in the face.

I'm just like, that's not. Like, oh, did I say tattoo on his head and a bullet? And then we shot him in the face. That's my bad. Where you going? Yeah, exactly. And they don't have her hand, gov's her anything. It's just some old lady holding onto her arms.

So she runs away. So like like what was how was that supposed to go was she supposed to say oh Shot in the head I should in that to be fair though That would have convinced me if they would have been like no no man look me your friend got it right now I'm be like oh yeah, and then he was dead. I'd be like so can I get it on my my head Both hands both hands and you know what I should get double because I feel bad. I was so lazy. You know how it is when you get so busy, but he looks like, yeah, what do I do to not be that guy?

Right. Well, and then that's the other thing too is, of course, this movie hasn't taken any time whatsoever to establish that there's anything bad about the tattoo. So, you know, this might as well just be secure. I mean, you know, yes, there's something bad about the government making you get a tattoo on your face But I mean, but but like this might as well be social security cards that they're they're they're freaking out about at this point right exactly and and quite literally just like such as security cards There's always gonna be one person who's like I'm afraid to say that's in who does it why you can't make me come on man, just I'm a non violent that's not how non violence works just because you don't punch someone

You don't know is there a sister away we could not violently. I don't want to pay taxes Get your face tattoo bro. So now we get to the chase scene now This is this is what makes this such an awkward one for us to reveal. Okay, the next rest of this goddamn movie is this is is this girl running from the fields from my car and then a helicopter. Right, right. Okay. So first of all, can we reflect on the fact that the UN only has the one van. Oh yes, there is one van and it is the only car on the road and she is the only person out. Yes, yes. We will not see another soul while she is being chased. She runs from the middle of a city to a dam in the middle of the country, like electrical dam. And again, we see this 24 style. We see

every minute of this. Right. no this is live this is real and We and that is just and we don't see another person and it's just her jogging It's just her jogging for us. No, I'm sorry 20 minutes We do see two people because at one point she turns the corner There's two people that that that stop her and go like hey patty and they're like acting like pod people now Right once you get a forehead tattoo. He just lose your free will I guess yeah, now the only reason I point out those two people and correct you on that It's not I'm trying to be pedantic. It's just that nothing else happens in this fucking mode. Yeah, no that is Oh, you know, I remember there was that part where she tripped over a pebble sweet Jesus 19 minutes and 18

a rebel sweet Jesus 19 minutes and 18 seconds oh not a lot getting it out here patreon you guys get to hear me sing a little song happy birthday patreon let's we know what we never thank the patreon people individually in this is the episode to do it and everyone can listen along oh watch this movie and you come up with a minute of thing to talk about. Other than got chased by helicopter. Right. Holy shit.

The entire I wrote in my notes, this entire movie is like watching porn after you come. I'm just like, okay, well I'm bored now. I'm done now. Turn this off. Turn something else on. So yeah, so she's running around it and she eventually remembers that Diane is in this movie and Diane agrees to meet her at the dam. And I wrote my notes, yay, the dam. I hope we get to see her walk all the way there. And indeed we do. Well, okay, so now the way she's going to get to the dam here, we don't have to get her, she didn't have to want quite the whole way because she steals

the one van that the u.n. guys have the entire u.n.s van the u.n. has one van that was all of the cars in the world that I was just saying not only that but they they don't have any police help or anything like that because this movie couldn't afford to bring out police cars so no one's. So she takes the van and she starts driving to the to the to the damn. But luckily they do have helicopter number three in the movie to chase her with. And we get to hear this song again. We get to hear the which actually at this point is a nice break from the box. I did. I got the song again because it was just nice for me. Again, I got to think about it. I'm it like why the bag of gold

why would be so bread there's less people there should be more food and i was fun i was good that's what i'm on in my head for the for her we're just very mildly jogging oh and through okay but but but before we get because eventually she's going to she sees the helicopter and she says oh well i guess now that they've got a helicopter i better get out and run because I'll be so much faster than or whatever And I'm thinking myself okay if you're in a van and they're in a hell they didn't have missiles on the on the helicopter They'd make a ram way with it black all hell. Yeah exactly you win in this scenario

You know what the hell are they because they don't have any other vehicles that they can call in on you or whatever You can just keep driving until you run out of gas the The helicopter's gonna have to turn back before you will. Or drive to the dam. Yeah, exactly, exactly. No, she gets out and she runs through the woods a little bit because this movie was 50 minutes short of the hour they need to. Oh, fuck. Yeah, right.

Fuck, we got that cobra bite scene. What the hell is it now? It's eight minutes of movie. Well, then I don't know. So we can preach a bunch of times. I'm totally out of ideas so we get more of the fucking helicopter chasing her and then she loses it and then it finds her again and then she loses it and this point my name is a helicopter no helicopter the movie

And it's like coming right at her and I wrote land the helicopter on her so the movie is over and there's this mo Okay, so she like ducks It's like I don't know what she thought was going to happen But the helicopter starts to come down and and she ducks you know, so they can't use the rotor to cut off her head or whatever And then the helicopter leaves Which is kind of weird um, yeah, but I mean, it's not because like, what the fuck were they gonna do?

They're in a helicopter. They're not gonna repel out and grab her or whatever. Could you come over here towards the door, ma'am? Exactly, we can't. On second thought, we should have had someone get out and chase you with their body. But you're right there. We can see you, man, huh? You got We can see you. Man hunt. Yeah,

she with our flashlight. Come on. Yeah, exactly. You're you kind of it. You know, we don't have to actually tag you. Right. And now she sees the damn and she's like across the field from it. And we're like, I'm like, we're gonna watch her go all the way across that field. Aren't we? Yes, we do. Damn right. We are. Yes, we do. And of course, porn stash mercury is there to save her. So then now we get the, she gets to it and she's running and we go into slow motion so that they can drag that,

you know, 16 minutes of film out into an hour and nine minute movie. Right. A little bit easier. And this is where we get, you know, the song for the third time. Yep. And so, like, just when she thinks that she's gonna be saved, we find out

that no Freddie Mercury is a bad guy, he's got the face tattoo, so he's working with them. He's working with them. So he says into a radio that again is the size of the fucking Ghostbusters Proton pack. Yeah, we've got her. All men come in or whatever. And of course, all men is the one. A helicopter in all units. It's just us, Dave. It's just us. I know I just always wanted to say.

All of you want to say intentional. It sounds way cooler. I was going to say car 54 where you are, you. But yeah, so all units converge on their location, which means the helicopter is back up again. Right. Lands. Yeah, yeah, so all units converge on their location, which means the helicopter so it's back up again. Right lands Yeah, exactly, but she just ain't gonna get her damn face tattoos So she climbs over the ledge onto the little walkway or whatever and and Freddie Mercury in his fucking short shorts Leaps over and he's gonna get her and so she climbs over the edge again, and I'm just like okay jump jump so this movie's over

It was right. Yes exactly I jump near a bridge and I no longer watching this movie Was very tempting by the end of it. So yes, she decides to leap to her death From the damn rather than get the face tattoo of Satan or wrist tattoo or yeah right they were like I'm rather jump from a damn they're gonna face tattoo but I'm gonna wrist that's super easy like but that actually didn't happen because the whole movie was a dream was a goddamn dream well but it except for it wasn't because we now go back to the scene that we started off within the first place with a radio, I was talking about

the rapture happening. So it's basically it's fucking round hog dead. Yeah, it's the fucking, it's next. It's the Nicholas Cage movie next where you wake up at the end of the movie in the same place and you're like, oh, and the only thing that would have made this worse is if the movie had just looped. Yeah, right. And if you're not away from this movie to permanently loop, I just realized that I'm tied down to the chair and fucking Matt Damon comes and starts shitting next to me and that's that's what I need. And my Christian hell is just this movie looping. Um, and I didn't notice too when they when they pan over to the clock this time.

I'm like, oh oh she gets up at Quarter after 10 that's nice. Isn't that nice right? Because that's how bored I was at this by the end of this fucking movie. I'm just like oh god Jesus We're gonna have to do we're gonna have to try to fill about 30 minutes with her running from that goddamn helicopter I better know what time it says on the clock and shit like that. Maybe there's a dog in the background that's wearing a hat. Where we get my dog out. Something. So we're not going to cut to audio of my dog doing it's tricks. It sounds like it's sitting now, doesn't it?

Yeah, exactly. We're going to get some one stars off of this one guy. Get some one stars off of this and be some very angry ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha is near which was oh yeah no it's exclamation mark yeah actually is really good yeah is near just a reminder we're crazy we're so crazy we're the people who say the end is near you know how in cartoons they're like with a sign that says the end is near we're that guy we just wanted to remind you that's the level of we're caught to is holding up a movie this would be the movie he'd be holding up. Yes. Whole leaf fucking shit. And just in case you work entirely convinced of their insanity,

the movie closes with a, are you now convinced that Jesus is coming back? Call us. We'll take your money. You know, or mustard seed international. Yes. I love that they draw so much attention to the Jesus fucking up the thing about the mustard seed So that's great. Yeah, that's that that's not the second movie company's been like remember when God was wrong About how mustard grows out of trees and is the smallest seed in the whole world We're gonna try your attention to that quite a bit Quarabit mustard see international so now that you've had some time to reflect on this movie, which would you say was worse?

It's production quality, it's soundtrack, or it's theological message. Listen, it's theological message certainly seems to scare children and create an unhealthy relationship, and the production quality was pretty shitty. I mean, listen, it all looks like it was shot through a piece of tape But that song will be with me. I'm gonna be on my deathbed and my children and my children's children will hopefully be around me And they'll hold my hand and they'll say grandpa grandpa. What do you want us to know and I'll go? I'm busy bread good bye a bag of gold. That doesn't make any sense I think is it now a non-monetary quantity? I don't understand.

And then I'll die. And then I'll die. That's the worst thing about this movie. Well, you know, it's so funny because it like, okay, a lot of people had told us going into this one. They're like, oh, you know, you should watch this one. This scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. So I kept waiting for the part that scared the hell out of them when they were a kid.

Yeah. You know, I was sure that there was going to be some satiny demon-y shit in there somewhere or whatever. I feel like this is other people's phantasia. For me, phantasia scared the shit out of me, is it kid? And so for years, I would be like, oh my god, phantasia scared the shit out of me. And everyone would be like, huh? And then I saw it recently, like three years ago as an adult and I was like, oh, this is not scary. Yeah, this is not scary.

And this one, this is terrible. Fantasia's not terrible, it's fucking awesome. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I meant the thing that I thought was scary is not scary. Yeah, right, right. It was terrible that I thought it was scary. Yeah. All right, I just wanna make sure we were on the same page. He hated the Jews though. He's terrible that I thought it was scary. Yeah. All right.

I just want to make sure we were on the same page. He hated the Jews though. He funneled a bunch of other Nazi parts. No, yeah, he really did not care for the Jews. I want to see Gritman and the Nazi party. So did Ford. Yeah. Yeah, well him too.

He had your best. Yeah, yeah. So did I, to be fair. I think the Nazi still follow me on Twitter, guys. This is a true story. You ever could look. The US Nazi party follows me on Twitter guys. This is a true story. You ever look the you the the US Nazi party Follows me on Twitter because a friend of mine was bothering them I was it was tweeting at them. They would like to eat things their vegans and they would tweet things like don't hurt

Animals and you'd be like yeah just like the Holocaust and so as a joke I was like hey man leave the Nazis alone so they followed me on Twitter If you look at my Twitter followers the United States Nazis follow me and occasionally they favor to tweet I don't know how to feel about that this very upsetting for me Then occasionally I'm like oh the Nazis agree with me on this. I don't know how I feel But this Harry Potter trivia that I also enjoyed with the Nazis so all right so But this Harry Potter trivia that I also enjoyed with the Nazis. So, alright, so we've kind of already answered this, but who is this movie for? I have... so here's what I was thinking when I was thinking about that. I was like, who is this movie for?

I think this movie is for everyone at Woodstock who took the brown acid and came out being like, no man, there's gonna be demons and they're gonna eat your flesh man It was like oh you should watch this movie. This is the movie for you We want to get you while the iron we don't strike while the iron's hot because it's like it's praying on the psychedelia with an even Dumber message than like do a bunch of drugs and roll around in the mud right and I don't dislike doing a bunch of drugs and roll around the mud It's people that were like, that's not crazy enough. Oh my God, what a fucking headache. The good news is at least there's not a shitload of sequels that we're also

going to watch. So since the only person in history that could give these filmmakers the thumbs down, they deserve is the Roman emperor, we're going to opt for that rating by analogy thing that we do once again so you'll I I ask you what is the least pleasant thing that you could do with a cobra that would still be better than watching this movie. Oh God I would have to meet the cobra's parents and then the cobra's parents are obviously uncomfortable with the fact that I'm not a cobra but we still sit through an entire meal where the cobras parents are like so what do you do and I'm like I'm a magician and the dad like oh and I'm like oh yeah I mean I do other stuff too I have a podcast that's the

level of discover I would need a long awkward meet the parents dinner anti-Semitic co-op parents followed by a bite on the dick. I take that over this movie, yes, absolutely. Well, I guess that's gonna do it for our review of The Thief in the Night, but that's not gonna do it quite for this episode yet, because we still have to make a verbal commitment to not stop watching these damn things. So, Eli, tell us what's on deck? A distant thunder, and it's just not distant enough yes part two of this wonderful series and it is I hate the I hate to say it this looks worse it does really looks worse yes the preview has less going on than the preview for the first one yes so not only does it begin with a warning that the makers of this film are not profits.

No, that's that's the audience there. I'm going to go away. We're not actually profits. We're just telling you what the profits said and everyone's okay. Oh, I thought you cleared that up. I was just starting to fight my son to you to muster today. I sent you my ear in the mail. You said if I was convinced, I sent you.

That's the level. And by the way, that makes up like 40 seconds of the minute and 40 second preview, is this long fucking, this is not a true story and these people aren't profits, but this should definitely gonna happen y'all. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 12 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. That's patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the sceptra crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. Our theme music was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Giraffes on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. The music for I hate this fucking movie was performed by Anna Phyllis Smith and she's also very awesome. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right?

Neili Bosnick, I'm Noel Luzonz, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck off, cock, sucker.