God Awful Movies - 120: The Star

Starting point is 00:00:00 So yeah, so Joe finds Mary out rock sitting oh Dude if she had an ancient coat hanger how amazing with that They call over the hunter guy hey, we're kind of Worried about the can you take care of this like Can you take care of this like You a lot of people have fallen down wells in this movie. I'm thinking donkey causes a root goldberg abortions Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who thought we were pedophiles? The clerk at the movie theater, where we saw a cartoon matinee together. Britishers looking for a wingman, but, uh,

Starting point is 00:01:16 he was gross. Yeah. No, it was odd. And of course sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnig Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? The exact same thing happened to me. I don't, I don't have social graces, so I played into it with the lady. I kept being like, you're a murderer and she was like, I'm trying to do that like polite retail app. I kept being like, no, seriously. I'm not plotting anything. You're weird. I've come here at Tuesday at 4 a.m. 4 p.m. to watch a children's movie, right? Right? Do you mind if I take a picture of you with a timestamp on it? No, no, thank you. Hold up that newspaper. Got it. You're very wacky.

Starting point is 00:02:00 I get it. So you're an wacky thing at me. Yeah, no, I would have felt a lot less comfortable if we didn't have that theater to ourselves. But we so often do when we go see these things in theaters, have the theater to ourselves. Speaking of which, I guess we should let everyone in on the secret. Heath, tell us what will be breaking down today. All right, we watched the star. It's a classic children's story of cartoon bestiality, almost happening, but not quite. And also Jesus was born on all an interesting take on the Nativity story.

Starting point is 00:02:38 I enjoyed myself. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, first of all, let me just say surprisingly bad. Surprise. Yeah. I like with the modern ability to animate things and this cast, you'd think, how bad could it be? In fact, when people suggested it, I was just kind of like, I don't know, it's a kids movie.

Starting point is 00:03:00 How bad could it be? Really, really bad. But the answer you're looking for is, well, if you love Jesus and you need a music video for your R&B Christmas album, because it's a slightly elongated music video for an R&B Christmas album. Yeah. No, it's, yeah, happening well. That's playing in the background. No, I'm with you because I get really nervous sometimes when people like strongly suggest a movie and we, we capitulate because, you know, we love our audience, but they don't always pick the best movies for us. So I was afraid this might be one of those situations where we're going to go in and we're going to see a kids movie and it's

Starting point is 00:03:39 going to be like us making fun of cars too for an hour. But then we watch this movie and I'm like, no, well, well, way to go Sony animation. Make it easy on us. Kicking it up and the other thing that I enjoyed about this movie is I know some of our listeners have to watch this movie, right? They're going to Chris Christmas and the grandma and grandpa's and cars three isn't in theaters anymore and like let's How go to the movie stage just like okay? It's a Christmas movie so you're gonna sit there And you're gonna watch is the donkey praise for days. It's mock enough towards the end of this movie Cuz Keegan Michael key is not pulling this off the way he hopes he is.

Starting point is 00:04:26 I'm really not for me. Eddie Murphy is a donkey. He ain't. Yeah. And I feel like this entire cast was made up of people who owed Oprah a finger. So let's I wanted to kind of do a quick rundown because a lot of these characters, a lot of these actors, voice actors have such small roles. We probably wouldn't even mention them in the course of reviewing this film.

Starting point is 00:04:46 So let's start there. Key of key and peel plays Dave the dove as if we needed more of a reminder, which one was the talented guy and that duo. He was funny in this though. I like. He's doing his best. He's doing his best so much of the recording in this movie was just and then key. Like, what would you

Starting point is 00:05:05 do for you? I don't know. So funny. Well, what I'd love to see on this one though is like all the stuff that he said that they're like, no, it's a little too far. It's a little too far because that's, that's my thought is that maybe he was way funnier originally, but yeah, no, if there was a bright spot in this film, it was Dave the dove. We also had Christopher Plummer doing the voice of Herod, all 18 words of the voice of Herod. I'm trying to make up for the fact that he's the only famous actor who hasn't raped

Starting point is 00:05:43 someone at this point. Yeah. I'm gonna make up for the fact that he's the only famous actor who hasn't raped someone at this point. Yeah. I swear that like his, his thing was like, all right, you got until the 23rd floor. I'm going to the 23rd floor. So we also had Ving Rames. He played Thaddeus, who is the smart evil dog of the two dogs. Kelly Clarkson shows up at the very end to play Leia the horse for like two minutes. She has the two dogs. Kelly Clarkson shows up at the very end to play lay of the horse

Starting point is 00:06:06 for like two minutes. She has a two lines. I don't know what happened in the edit or in the production, but they they cram Kelly Clarkson into this movie in the last four seconds. They're just like, hey, the very important character of lay of the horse. And I'll sing for you now, right now, even if it doesn't make sense, just like on a car. Kelly Clarkson, my own. Also, we had Chris Christoffer, sin playing the old donkey. And I feel like they just gave him cocaine and kept telling him he was an old mill donkey and tell he believed it.

Starting point is 00:06:46 Right. He pulls it off here. Also we had, okay, Mariah Carey was in this movie. I don't know who she was. She played Rebecca. I don't know who that is. I went to their website, like the stars website and that character doesn't even get mentioned, but she was in it.

Starting point is 00:07:07 Maybe Mariah Carey would just like insist it on being called Rebecca during this production and they were just like, hey, sure. Whatever you want, got everyone reacts the same to acid. Let's just get this R&B album in the hands of grandmothers everywhere. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. That was the point. And then, and then, of course, you have the three camels.

Starting point is 00:07:33 Tyler Perry played Cyrus, the smart, but not as smart as the Oprah camel camel. He had Tracy Morgan. I love Tracy Morgan. Yeah. He was, it was a disappointment to hear him popping up as Felix, the dumb camel. And then Oprah plays Deborah the camel, who is the Linus camel. Not just the Linus camel. First of all, she's the shut the fuck up, Tina.

Starting point is 00:08:00 Yes. Oh, which is amazing. Every time Oprah's camel speaks speaks everyone else is like what Are you like even in a meta context your line didn't make sense? I'm Oprah You're a camel you are a camel You're a camel. You are a camel. You are a camel. She's the fucking worst. And then there's just one other that I have to mention very minor role for him.

Starting point is 00:08:37 But Joel Osteen played Gaspar. One of the three wise men that this this movie, by the way, is now the most biblically accurate thing that Jolo Stine has ever been involved with. Thank you. It's quite proud. Um, now, okay, so that's basically the cast we're working with and then a bunch of people I'd never heard of. Now, is there anything that you guys want to nominate this for being the best at being the worst at?

Starting point is 00:08:58 Uh, yeah, I'm going to say best worst accidentally choosing parts from the Bible with graphic sex and violence for this kids movie and just ignoring it. We'll get there. They picked some really weird spots. And when they didn't need to, right? Like, it's the Nativity story. Okay. So the Nativity story has a little bit of infanticide and divine rape in it to begin with.

Starting point is 00:09:20 So you have to deal with that. But then they would just go and find other graphic sex and violence parts to like squeeze in for character names and shit. You could skip those parts. Like would any parent be like, well, hold on. They didn't do the infanticide in this cartoon. I read the Bible. What about the rape? Where's the rape? Sony animated studio after Batman begins. We're saying, yeah, but think about it. Rosalgo never did teach Batman to be an ninja. Yeah, that would have been like that only with bombs and shit because they're religious. I was going to go with best worst conflict resolution. So throughout this movie, conflict is resolved by the next scene starting.

Starting point is 00:10:03 by the next scene starting. They could not give less of, again, I watched Cars 3, Despicable Me 2 and 3 on the planes back from Japan slash Australia. And I did not appreciate the genius storytelling that was in those films until I watched the star. So fucking bad. I want to go with, and I already hinted at this, best worst shut the fuck up Oprah because it is literally just Oprah being like, I'm Oprah Winfrey. I'm talking into a microphone right now. No, no, Oprah, denotes this week, you know, a damn episode 120 Oprah does it. No, she's

Starting point is 00:10:47 in a movie. The whole thing, every time she spoke, it just played like they had tricked her into the room. And that's just what she was saying. And they had to like, yeah, I don't know. It was quite bizarre. Well, I'll tell you what, our Australia trip demanded that we wait on this one until it was largely out of theaters and that's long enough to wait. So we're going to keep the break brief and when we come back, we'll dive into all the awesucks depiction of intended and fantasized that are the star. Hi, listener.

Starting point is 00:11:16 We wanted to take a moment at a today's show to talk to you about a very serious phenomenon and sweeping the nation. We usually try to stick to comedy on this show, but this is near and dear to our hearts, so we can't ignore it. We're talking of course about crappy gifts. That's right, Heath. Thousands of innocent people this year will receive crappy gifts for the holidays. Oh, a gift card. Gee, thanks. I didn't realize you knew literally nothing about me. Oh, a sweater. Now I have one of these. Yeah, there's the first sweater I've owned. I love not picking out the clothes I wear into that. Exactly. But we're here to help. Let

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Starting point is 00:13:18 An assignment. This is fun. No, it's fine. I'll just stop reading whatever I was reading and I'll do this homework. You gave me as a gift. Thank you. So don't give a terrible gift this holiday season. Instead, go to OmahaStakes.com. Enter our code, God awful movies in search bar and get a 75% savings. It's the gift guaranteed to be a hit. Or you can just keep trying to guess what music your knees likes. Or you can just keep trying to guess what music your niece likes. Wait, a CD.

Starting point is 00:13:47 I'll use it if I ever get trapped in the past by a witch. I'm Tony D. Are you an R&B artist whose lyrics are usually about putting a penis inside your body? Are you black, though? Well then technically, you're Christian, which means you should come on down to Tony D's inexplicable R&B Christmas album warehouse. We got covers of classic Christmas songs.

Starting point is 00:14:12 Remixes of classmate Christmas songs, slightly changed Christmas songs, and I can't emphasize enough, covers of classic Christmas songs. And the fact that this will stick out from the rest of your repertoire like a sore thumb is okay, because grandmothers will buy your Christmas album for their children because they know their families like your music, but refuse to buy a CD with a naked

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Starting point is 00:15:12 And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start things off wondering why Eli has a bunch of stuff about him crying at a TJ Max commercial. What is this? No, I just put my notes on the commercials before the movie in the beginning. We could all share our thoughts. You gentlemen chose not to. So it seems like I'm a crazy person. We had different. I don't think we're the same. No, it wasn't. Oh, it's not right. Although I agree with you that the Google, the new Google Pixel phone seems pretty awesome. Right. And there's the Star Wars Disney Cruise.

Starting point is 00:15:46 We know. I didn't know about that. I would love to do that. Yeah. You have better ads. You have better ads. New hair. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:54 So no, clearly, if you, if I had ads as cool as you, I would have taken notes on them anyway. All right. Thank you. So we're going to start this movie off all Hindu, really with a mouse, getting kicked out of a place and running around town. I feel like they stole this from the bug of odd Gita, but whatever. And we should point out that this is accompanied by like a acapella version of we three kings.

Starting point is 00:16:15 I wrote my notes. Let's begin this movie with the only thing worse than religion, acapella. Honestly, for a second, I thought there's a sneak preview for pitch perfect three that we had walked into by accident. I was really happy about it. And then I was disappointed about it. It was not. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:31 And I have said, okay, so this scene really sets the film's tone of like scrap chases acorn, scrap chases acorn, Christian propaganda, scare at chases acorn, scrap chases acorn. Right. Cause we've got this mouse just kind of being like buoyed through the streets and all it fell down on Teehee. And then it shows up at the Virgin Mary's house, right? As God is showing up the Warner about the rape. Yep. I was so excited.

Starting point is 00:16:56 Like, okay, we're about to watch God fuck Mary right now in this car. No, no, no, super, too quick disappointments. Super duper graphic rap scene in the first 20 seconds of this children's movie, just a herd of people all across the nation desperately covering their children's lives and years just putting their kid in the sleeper hold. This is better than therapy. Remember the time daddy choked you to sleep at Christmas. This is what I want you to remember instead of the movie. Nope. Nope. But they do address the sex. They get to that plot point. They don't show it. But he's just like, I'm a ghost and I'm going to fuck you now. I'm God. Woo. Yeah. Harvey Weinstein. But Mary's like, all right, cool.

Starting point is 00:17:46 So let's let's fuck that and you want to go like dog ear when he's like, no, no, no, it's immaculate. It's a stop consenting. I'm going, but yeah, but aren't they quick to make sure she consents on this though, right? Retelling that story very, very differently, aren't they? Yeah. First God came in and he was like, hey, Mary, how you doing? And I would say they dated at least four or five times.

Starting point is 00:18:12 So, you're weird, just so you know. And I want to say that they have entirely, we'll talk about this throughout the movie. They've entirely rewritten the Mary and Joseph story to resemble. I don't know a sweet couple from the early 2000s. Like Mary's manic pixie dream mod dream. It's mad about you, but with Jesus. Exactly. Joseph, are you making chairs or are you following a sleep on the jug? I'm sorry. What? Scramble digs but it's a crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. That was crazy. Man about you. It's crazy. Rager is mad about you. And we should, we should point out that the mouse, okay, so the

Starting point is 00:18:59 mouse wandered into our house and was like, ooh, Peter bread and Mary shared some with her because she eats with vermin and this stupid and disgusting. And that's when the Holy Ghost shows up and says, Hey, God's going to be around in about five minutes. He needs a while for this thing to fully dissolve in your drink. Anyway, but he's going to fuck you later. And she's like, Oh, great. I consent to this actively, actively as you're leaving the window and the mouses are like

Starting point is 00:19:26 Holy fucking shit. I need to go evangelized to all the prairie animals because I guess Jesus also died to save the souls of the Prairie animals that will be strongly hinted at in this movie It one might even say that's the theme of the film. So yeah. So and then we get the whole credit sequence where a new star appears when God comes and all the children and animals are quite impressed by this.

Starting point is 00:19:57 Mm hmm. If I could light up a star by coming, that'd be pretty exciting. That would be pretty fucking right. Yeah. Yeah. No. So and there'd be a lot more stars. I mean, they would like this.. That would be pretty fucking straight. Yeah. Yeah. No. So and there'd be a lot more stars. I mean, they would like this.

Starting point is 00:20:07 The heavens would be prettier to look at. Um, now there's another one just now. Yeah. Actually, I guess there's probably as a star lighting up for every orgasm. I don't know. Let's find out like the rate of star production and the visibly skeptics guide won't answer our tweets anymore. They went into your tweets.

Starting point is 00:20:23 So among the many animals that are wowed by this new star is a curious little mill donkey who is having a religious experience through the slats in his mill. And he doesn't like it in the mill because he just has to walk in a circle all day. Yeah, exactly. But grumpy atheist donkey thinks that little donkey is too much of a dreamer and needs to focus on his job of walking in a circle until he breaks and is just taken out back. And as it's had lopped off and then is ground up into shit to feed to the other donkey's probably as hell. They did it. Right. But before we can think about that too much I know there was a lunch at some point where key and peel got together and it was just like wow man

Starting point is 00:21:16 Golden Globe nomination Congratulations. Yeah, thanks. Thanks So how's the star doing Not good, but I have a lot of screen time. So yeah, and he chooses to use the very beginning of it to make apocalypse now references. Yeah, it comes. He's like, I love the smell of freshly ground grain in the morning. And I was just like, that's just for us. I don't think the kids are like, oh, right, right. Yeah, like, yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's getting the back is just like born to kill.

Starting point is 00:21:50 More like born to male. I'm nine. That's it. That's full metal jacket. Yeah, but there was still pretty bad about you. Mad about World War II. So yeah, it's here that we learn that little doggy and his name is Boer will eventually be Bo.

Starting point is 00:22:12 So I'm just going to call him Bo. Bo and Dave the dove dream of one day being part of the royal caravan and they just need to break Bo out of the mill so that they can go do that. Right. So we get this scene where they like he tries to free himself with an unlikely Rube Goldberg-esque series of happenstances that end with him being loose, which by the way is his superpower. That is power. This donkey will do that genuinely four or five times throughout this movie. Yeah, no, like as though he can like do it at will. But and there's this really brutal fucking scene here because like as part of this,

Starting point is 00:22:55 he accidentally sets the mill on fire and then they go to leave and Dave the dove is like, Hey, what about that old donkey that's still tied up there? He's like, They just, they just leave him there. And it's like a good message. It's like a lesson. Yeah. It's a clearly progressive stance on

Starting point is 00:23:12 euthanizing old people in this movie. So where the smoke inhalational get him before he burns to death, it's not that, it's not that bad. Some kids just turns to grandpa who's retirement, ages just been raised to 70 and just starts eyeballing him, not nothing down real slow. You see that grandpa? You see that old donkey knows what it's too late to collect the check anymore. Slashing Medicare, but we're going to know what it's going to trickle down. It's going to work for the economy. It's going to be boosted. Old mill donkey, Walmart, Greeter, not a lot of differences. Is there Gramps? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:45 I already knew I was at Wal-Mart because that's where he just walked into. So any useless. But yeah, but, but luckily for this movie so that we don't have to deal with the fact that he murdered the old donkey on his way out, the mill owner shows up and he's all pissed off and he ties bow back to his mill thing that he has to walk around for his entire life. Again, rendering this scene entirely useless. And again, this is what I'm talking about. Like this is a bad animated movie. This is a bad kids movie, right? We could, we would be fine with just the beginning where he's like, Oh man, someday we want to get out of

Starting point is 00:24:20 here. And then he later gets free with a Rube Goldberg machine. But the fact that there are two escape scenes in this movie, one of which does not matter, proves the like weirdly written, tired way that this movie is constructed and like, and then this happens, but it doesn't matter. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. And, you know, part of the reason for this is that they have to get through the pregnancy, right? So we have to keep fast forwarding ahead of time. So we go, we moved to like six months later right now, but yeah, we could have moved to six months later and then met the donkey, right? Anyway, so we go, we moved to six months later, both still hard at work, milling grain, and now it's time for us to meet Joseph.

Starting point is 00:25:05 And boy did they go full Jew on the Joseph animation. But they made so many odd choices for Joseph. Like, I don't, I don't, I didn't pay super close attention to the genealogy and descriptions of Joseph, but I don't think they were like, oh man, if you like Woody Allen, then you will have Joseph. Yeah. No, this character could have been and should have been voiced by Eli's Moisy Impression. Oh, God, it's a wedding. My stomach. It's weird if I asked to poop right before the wedding, right? Can we delay it? Oh, no. Oh, no. And of course, the first thing we see him doing because he's so Jewish is being the erotic and walking in circles.

Starting point is 00:25:50 You know, he's all worried because Mary's late. No, not that kind of late. Well, actually, that kind of late too, now that you mentioned it. But yeah, and this is also where we meet little baby John the Baptist. And this is anyway. So Mary shows up. She still hasn't told Joseph about the deity fucking that she did. She's like, Hey, Joe, remember to tell you about getting

Starting point is 00:26:11 fucked by a ghost later. Let's get married. What? What? Tell you later. Look what the Schmenderson's got us. You think it think it's a peeler? I bet it's a peeler. Did you get it up the other night? Body, smile, I don't know. Technicallyarnet. Well, that's the whole thing is this scene is like, when should I tell my husband I'm pregnant with someone else's child? I'll wait till after the wedding. I don't want to burden him with that before the wedding. We have a lot of Southern listeners. They get it. Yeah. Right. So meanwhile, back with the

Starting point is 00:27:07 donkeys, old donkeys wise, but broken by the vicissitudes of life. So we have a, like, a deep moment here where we deal with old donkeys depression over a life wasted walking in these circles. Why did so badly for Johnny Cash's hurt to come on. He shoots himself. Yeah, but this is also where he starts to see that little donkey is going to follow him down this path of despair and depression. And he's got a big heart after all. So he breaks little donkey out so he can go run with the royal caravan. And this opens us up to an amazing, awesome donkey parkour chase scene with the Miller.

Starting point is 00:27:54 It's pretty fun. It's pretty fun. I'm running away. First of all, though, cartoon parkour is not as impressive as they think that you can do anything you want in a cartoon as exciting as regular parkour, but I did enjoy throughout the throughout the chase the placement of hay is very convenient. They are landing in perfect amounts of hay from large heights all over the play. Like honestly, I thought the Assassin's Creed guy was going to like land on it. Oh, hey, what's up? Cool. We could have a bit

Starting point is 00:28:25 much a better movie Sony entertainment. Come on, guys, dockies got a wrist blade. You just stab the Miller and the throat. Right, but we have to see the Miller get covered in a lot of different colored things along the way. Good. Pretty funny. Cause now he's got red stuff on him. I mean, I

Starting point is 00:28:46 green stuff on him too. Anyway, so while this is going on, Mary's chatting with Elizabeth mother of John the Baptist, John the baby Baptist at this point. I wanted so badly for the baby to just reach over and try to wash her feet and It's just like, stop, stop. And now it's weird to see, you know, there's a thing going on. This is also when we get that amazing Bible deep cut where Elizabeth turns to her husband. She's like, I liked it better when you couldn't talk Zachariah. That's Bible funny right there. Bible funny. Anyway, so yeah, the party's over. Um, Joe can't wait to do the dishes because first century BCE, Judea sure was sexually progressive, huh? Exactly. Again, they've just

Starting point is 00:29:34 transformed them into this manic pixie dream couple of like, but I get to choose what to watch on this scroll tonight. We'll see about that. I just can't open this milk and it's like, all right. I mean, look, I get the marriage as slavery of biblical times doesn't translate, but maybe you don't turn them into fucking Zoe Deschanel. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, of course, Mary, so he goes into the dishes, Mary's still trying to figure out how to break all the God fucking to Joe

Starting point is 00:30:08 and Well, she's doing that. She comes across Bo who's who's hiding there in the Place where they were having their party, I guess And Bo has managed to break his ankle, I guess or something heard it or something. And she, she goes to help him, but he's like afraid. He's gonna hurt her. And he does this whole like, no, no, please. And she like splints up his leg. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:34 Did it seem like the dog he was worried she was gonna put sticks in his butt. Yeah. I would have seen that. Children's fashion. It was very clearly what that. Very clearly what that dog he was afraid of, which makes you wonder what deleted scenes with the Miller we missed out on. I like the movie was way more sexual than I expected going in.

Starting point is 00:30:54 Yeah, well, around the donkey for sure. Something about Astamount. And this is where he gets, he gets named bow or bow as Bowas is the name so like right there. She's basically saying kind of would like to fuck this donkey I'm in the name you bow as you are a desirable bachelor Oh, yeah, exactly. That's all bow as is in the Bible too. That's anyway It's it will get because it gets worse. We'll get to it when we need Ruth But yeah, so we have to establish here too that Joe doesn't much care for this filthy donkeys.

Starting point is 00:31:31 And we have to learn this to a slapstick fight between bow and jaw. Right. And also like a Mary promising she'll walk and feed the donkey and take him to the vet every time to go to the thing. And then again, the slapstick fight leads in her pregnancy being revealed. And I wanted so badly for it to just flash cut to like him outside and inside we just hear Joe go, bullshit, God, fuck you.

Starting point is 00:31:57 What's your name, Mary? Fucking name. Joe walks in, God's just smoking a cigarette. Sorry, bra. Sorry. And do it. Yeah, but look, yeah, because he stands up and he's like, he sees her baby pump. And he's like, oh my God, you fucked the donkey. She's, no, you know what? Let's talk about this off camera because this is a kids movie. And there is no fucking way to get here. Well, we've got kids watching. So we'll distract the kids with more cake and Michael K and I will go flesh out the plot that the adults are uncomfortable with, but

Starting point is 00:32:35 somehow brought their children to see. Yeah, exactly. So okay, so they go upstairs to talk and before we're going to get to that scene. But before they do, I have this in my notes. They are playing, this is what I wrote verbatim. They are playing a country rendition of a gospel Christmas song. Nice to know where your temporal trough is. You know, it's a comforting moment when you're like, well, death and my mom's gonna be better, nis at least. Right?

Starting point is 00:33:06 Jesus. All on your knees. Nope. Yeah. So yeah, but well, that's going on in the background. Joseph is not having trouble believing the story, right? Like that's what I was expecting. He's buying it completely. He's just not sure if he's up to the challenge of raising God's kit. And I like the way Mary was doing the story. She's like, Hey, remember, remember before when like real quick, right before Mary, I was like, you know, this reminds me of the thing.

Starting point is 00:33:36 I fucking fucking a ghost funny story. You are going to laugh. You know how you've never been raped by God? You know the term Eskimo brother. So you've got our Eskimo brother. How cool is that? That's pretty cool, right? Can you think about it?

Starting point is 00:33:56 Yeah. But Joe's such a cock. He's not reacting to the cheating. He's like, well, I'm worried about how I'm going to be a father for God's child. This is nervous. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Should we use the fact that God is his father to get him into preschool or should we try

Starting point is 00:34:10 to get him in that school? Yeah. He's moved out of the practical concerns pretty quick. Also by the way, Bowen Dave are up to more wacky shenanigans downstairs. Genuinely, again, they are just using wacky cartoon shenanigans to distract their propaganda. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 00:34:39 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, decided they got a plan. He's going to hang out there long enough for his ankle to heal up. And then he'll just get himself kicked out in some hilarious sequence. Later, apparently, it never pays off by the way they never do anything with that. Like they sent that all up and they're like, I was just kicked out. I'm sure I'll figure out something I can do. They never, yeah, he just changes his mind later, because it's another scene. But before we can move on to the next thing, we have to have like, so you Joe has to walk

Starting point is 00:35:10 by taking this super hard, has to pray to God. There's a lot of praying in this one. And there's really a whole, there's like full, full blown montage basically here. Right. And the reason why we have this montage is so that we can play three or four more riff filled R&B covers of classic Christmas songs. Because again, I can't emphasize this enough. This is just a slightly longer than usual music video for a Christmas album. They're really trying to get the grandma that dragged you to this movie to buy the album.

Starting point is 00:35:41 That's they might as well have like available now on iTunes. Just sail across the screen. Yeah, exactly. There should be an 800 number in the tagline should be, but don't answer yet. It okay. So we we accept he prays to God and God doesn't help. And now we accelerate all the way to the end of the pregnancy with a three months later title card. It is now time to meet the three wise men

Starting point is 00:36:06 and their three Zaney camels. And one of them's Tracy Morgan. Yeah. The other two don't disappoint. That's nice though. The other two are Tyler Perry and Oprah and I already hated them. So, you know, there's no all Robert Lose you. Why? There's nothing there, right? Yeah. And we should clarify that like you can kind of see, again, everything in this movie is like, almost you can kind of see what they were going for, like the stern camel, the silly camel and the crazy Christian camel. So no. Metta aware of all time and space. But it doesn't, that dynamic doesn't work out as much as these movie makers were hoping because it's like, well, I want to eat some. Hey, we can't eat

Starting point is 00:36:52 no hay right now. We got to find our owners. I'm Oprah Winfrey, making a movie right now. I will die on November 30th, 2027. You can have to change the calendar by days. Yeah. Okay. So let me just give the set up here. This is how it goes. The three camels are riding along. They're like, one cam is like, I wonder where we're going.

Starting point is 00:37:16 And the other cam was like, probably a birthday party. And the other one goes, I think it's a baby shower. And then the Oprah camo says, well, perhaps we're going to witness the birth of the son of God. What? No, air. Like, maybe God raped a Jewish lady and we're going to go see the baby. What? You're a weird camel.

Starting point is 00:37:36 What? Like, yes, she happens to be right, but that's a weird fight. You wonder if that was just always her guess. Right. And this is the one time she was right. You see that a lot. I will throw it. In fact, I'm turning the rate to two

Starting point is 00:37:54 a slating where you're going to see the baby yet. Right. Okay. Every time. Yeah, we get it, Diane. You're into that. No, and it seems to me, because this is the first time I had to encounter this. Obviously, we've talked about it in the review up to this point.

Starting point is 00:38:07 But this is the first time I encounter this and I wrote in my notes. I'm like, it's like Oprah didn't get that this was a cartoon right like that. She was inside the story because she's basically going, no, like obviously these are the three wise men where their camels. We're going to have you guys not read the Bible. Like that was like seemed to be the attitude of her character. Also, why does Oprah camel have a henna tattoo shaved into her belt? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:38:35 Something terrible happened to Oprah camel. She's got a tattoo. She's crazy. I don't know what happened. One of those wise men got drunk one night and I was like, you know what? There's probably the sun of God somewhere. Let's figure that out.

Starting point is 00:38:49 I'm going to go ahead and shave one side of my head. Okay. Okay, Oprah Camel. We'll talk about it when you're ready. Steadman, you're doing it wrong. What? This doesn't make any sense, what you're saying. All right. So now it's time to go meet King Herod. Now King Herod is played by Christopher

Starting point is 00:39:10 Plummer who told him at the beginning, like, look guys, you get 16 words. No adjectives choose wisely. His part could be played by Christopher Plummer's soundboard. Like he told me what I know. We just took some other stuff. We put it together and he was like, well, you did all the work already. Sure. Yeah. So King Harris chilling out and he comes at the three wise men show up. Now again, I should point out one of the wise men is Joel Osteen. He plays Gamal, the Indian one. So this movie needed an Indian guy. So they got Joel Osteen for that part. Yeah. Way to go, guys.

Starting point is 00:39:51 This is also where we meet the two dogs that are going to be the antagonists of the movies. We know this because they come up to the camels and they say, hi, we're the antagonists in the movie. How you doing? I'm obviously I'm played by Ving Rames. So I'm a I'm the bad guy. Because you know, black voices are scary. I mean, not you.

Starting point is 00:40:12 Silly black. And the other dog comes up and says, and Hispanic voices too, huh? Yeah, I'm just scary. But I'm like a wacky sidekick. Like I'm still a bad guy because our inherent fear of the others sort of pervades American filter and this's face it, I am not going to be a protagonist for many years. You guys should go check out Coco. It is doing much better than this movie. So, yeah. So the wise men come in, the camels are chatting with the

Starting point is 00:40:42 dogs. The wise men come up to to her and he's like, we have gifts for the king. He's like, Oh, thank you. Thank you. And he's like, no, no, the king that's going to you serve you. How did they get the wise distinction? Is that an inherited title? Anyway, yeah. So herod would now like to murder a baby in this cartoon. Yeah. And he's going gonna send one guy to kill all the babies. Well, I mean, let's face it, the babies even if they team up. You know, they're not, they can't really wield swords. I get it. I get it.

Starting point is 00:41:16 And he gets the two dogs also. Well, right. I did it by a chain the whole time. The two dogs is kind of weird. Yeah. At this point, I was like, please tell me we get a montage of dingos eating babies. Fun Alan Mankin music in the bottom. So yeah, so he sends out his mini boss. Now this character will just growl for the rest of the movie. Like there's no voice actor associated with this character

Starting point is 00:41:45 that I can find because all he ever does is growl. And he can talk, I don't want to jump ahead, but his character can talk to dogs. And many all animals. I tell, sometime. Yeah, exactly, right, right. This movie is very unclear on when the animals can and cannot communicate with the humans. Because the first thing that this guy does when when when Harrod sends

Starting point is 00:42:09 him out to kill the baby, he's like, well, better figure out where this baby is. Perhaps I can get my dogs to interrogate the mouse from the opening scene, which means that he has heard of the mouse. I don't know. Or he was talking to the dogs and they were like, we've been hearing about this mouse who keeps talking about the person. I'm really not. Also, the mouse is a snitch bitch.

Starting point is 00:42:36 Right? Like, she's just basically right away. She's like, oh, yeah, Mary. Man, she's like, she's going to Bethlehem, I do believe. Turned over like Michael Flynn. No time to be fair, though, like a 14 minute Jack Bauer as torture city. What a band awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Do you know what Sicilians come from? So then we check back in with Bo. He's all healed up now. Um, and Mary and

Starting point is 00:43:06 Joe have to go to Bethlehem for the impossible weird census that definitely never happened. So they're, they're trying, this movie is fine with like one baby being chased to be murdered, but they really didn't want to go into the whole kill all the baby's plot line. Right. Yeah. The reason Mary and Joseph are going to Bethlehem is for a census, you know, a census. Well, that's the sort of a malgomated bullshit story that the Christians actually tell is this wacky census. And we'll get into it a little bit more later on. But because Jesus, the historical character was born in Nazareth, but the, the prophet,

Starting point is 00:43:47 beside Messiah had to be born in Nazareth, or in Bethlehem, you have to switch around where he is. It's one of the many weird things that they have to like kind of work around within the story. So, and they do that with this nonsensical census that required each person to go to the land of their fathers to be counted. Where the fuck would you go? Right?

Starting point is 00:44:12 Like you personally, where would you go if you were gonna go to the land of your father? Because apparently this means like, Joseph's ancestor like nine guys back. Anyway. Time to go to Cioset. Everyone's just standing around outside a home depot. Really, you have to go to say, I'll sit. Everyone's just standing around outside a home

Starting point is 00:44:26 depot. Really, you're dead to yeah. No, long Island used to be nice. It's hard. I don't like it. I have all my teeth. So it's weird. I get it. So keep bragging. So bow. We learn here is a real big fan of belly rubs. And then I thought, fuck, he should be the car,

Starting point is 00:44:46 all the peg of a corn voice. We just redo this entire movie, recasting all the voices as Eli characters. And suddenly this thing makes a dent in the box office. Hello, it's me, Dave the dove. Just kidding, damn them. So yeah, so they're getting ready to go to Bethlehem. We get more slapstick comedy where Joe tries to put bow on the wagon, but he won't do it. He's wacky donkey.

Starting point is 00:45:14 And we get Keegan Michael key doing his thing. They like when they asked him, he was like, yeah, fuck, I'm a Christian. Yeah, fine. But you have to let me do my one man show. I got a thing ready. It's going to be twerking and grunting. Are you writing this down? I'm just going to say twerking. Grunting. Grunting. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:35 Don't forget the grunting. So you're not holding a pencil or a piece of paper. I know that. I know you're as you're just right in my face and I can't do it. And you're clucking out. I know what that means. It's fine. All right. I wrote it down. So yeah. So Mary and Joseph leave, but because they can't get bowed up all the cart, they just leave him locked in the yard. So they're going to starve him

Starting point is 00:45:56 to death as punishment. Yeah. Like I'll be back in six to eight months. Yeah. So it's going gonna be a fence face. But so now David Boer trying to figure out how he can escape enjoying the Royal Caravan, but just then Herod's evil minion shows up with the dogs, which means that the dogs did tell him, right? The dogs were like, I'm telling you.

Starting point is 00:46:20 Like they had a, um, a weakening war. And yeah, I don't, much of my film was spent thinking about what this guy thought was happening. Right? Yeah. So, but this is where, this is where Dave the dove has to distract them with his sexy dance. And this is made me very uncomfortable. A, because it's again, QC's,ases though, A corn surrounding the propaganda, but also

Starting point is 00:46:47 because of how much of my career it makes up. But this is a lot of, a lot. And I wouldn't be crazy for someone to be like, and then Eli, you do a funny dance, booty dance. I'd be like, yeah, that's me. Do funny booty dance. You're, you're really good, dov noise too, right? Yeah, no, he does.

Starting point is 00:47:04 Do your dov noise too, right? Yeah, no, he does. You're dov noise. Recoch. Short, short, short. And I have to point out that they said this whole thing up. They're like, they said this whole thing up with the, with Dave San, all have to create a distraction so you can sneak past the dogs. And this is the most ridiculously obvious easy comedy set up in a cartoon, right?

Starting point is 00:47:31 I've got to create a distraction. So the bird comes in and he says, Hey, are you guys here for the dance show? I'm going to dance. And then he just kind of dances like I would dance basically, like they've got nothing. The animated bird is bad at improv in this movie. It's like, you know, we have to take like four months to animate this. You could take all the time you want to write this. Twenty learn.

Starting point is 00:47:58 No, I just see him go like this and then that'll be it. So yeah, but this does not work that the dogs do notice bow and they go to question him, but they don't. They get her sent off of his bandage on his broken ankle and then they decide to follow that sent so they know where she is, but not really. That's all part of their clever plan. Who knows? Is it? Well, yeah, because, because then bow leaves, or they leave the gate open and

Starting point is 00:48:29 bow leaves. And he's like, we got to go warn Mary and Joe. And they're like, ha, ha, now we can follow him and find out where they are. So again, the dogs planned all of this. That's strong writing. I hadn't, I didn't realize that. That's the flower. The metal levels that we're going to here. Well, and what cracks me up is, first of all, like they are assuming that this donkey just kind of knows the way to Bethlehem, but also and knows where they would be going, but also like at the very beginning of this there, the dove is like, okay, Gates opens. So should we go follow the royal caravan or should we go save Mary? They choose save Mary, but the dogs didn't know that. Yeah. It showed up at the royal caravan and they're like, oh man, I knew trust in a donkey was a bad way to go. Yeah, in the royal caravan, follow the Jewish couple in a fight. Jewish couple. I'm obviously. Um, what do you call it when you set up a mcguffin that doesn't guide

Starting point is 00:49:29 the action? Mcguffin Mcguffin Mcguffin. I'm not. I'm not. So. And again, and again, what does the guy think is happening? I just, I would, I would spend the rest of the day there if I got into it again. Anyway. So, so David Bow had out to, to save Mary. Luckily Dave knows the way, apparently. But there's a cliff along the way. I wonder if someone will humorously tumble down it. And again, this is another example of how badly made this animated movie is because they spend so like so many animated movies have the uh oh, our characters have come to

Starting point is 00:50:15 a cliff moment. But only the makers of this movie could be like, well, how's he going to jump down it? Not how's he going to figure it out? Not what friends is he gonna make? Just like, yeah, I guess the docky jumps off the cliff and hopes for the best, right? That's exactly where they go. And it's along the way where he meets a sheep named Ruth.

Starting point is 00:50:39 What is the sheep doing there? He's falling down like a road runner cartoon level canyon. Yes. And there's just a sheep pacing back and forth on this tiny little like a video game bad guy on this tiny little platform. It's sheep. It's real. And she like explains how to fall down the rest of the canyon. It made no sense. And also, and also the bow as just Matt Ruth, right? Like this, this sheep will later drunkenly blow him when he's passed out in a mill. That's what that's, those are the, that's the only thing that Ruth and Boas do in the Bible. Ruth is like three pages long, and that's the whole story. Yeah, it's such a weird choice. They didn't have to use those two.

Starting point is 00:51:25 Yes. He could have been like, actually, yes. Lay at his feet. It's not what you think it means. Um, maybe name the sheep, sheepie, sheepie, sheepie, sheep, or Kevin. There's so many other names. But yeah, but apparently Ruth is following the star because she's a pre-Christian sheep, you know, like in the book of Mormon. And yeah, she

Starting point is 00:51:53 helps him fall down funny more. And then they get to the bottom. You threw out the Mormon thing. I really want like the other sheep not to believe her and then they get hit by lightning in their black sheep. So. So they get to the bottom where he meets back up with Dave and Ruth wants to be friends, but they don't need some silly girl until the next sentence when that conflict is resolved because it turns out she knows the way. Yeah. Right.

Starting point is 00:52:24 Again, because that's how we resolve conflict in this movie. Another sentence happens. Throughout. Okay. So back at Harrod's Palace, Harrod is locked to the three wise men up and won't let him go out and find this new king. The camels are out of sleuth and they need to figure out a way to spring the wise men. And again, there is just no build and nothing comes together. It's just like, well, we need to get past the

Starting point is 00:52:52 guard, kick. All right. They're past the guard. And they will not now like spring the wise men, they'll just happen to be in the background when King Herod let some go. Right. We're not setting anything up here or anything. It's just so badly written. They had the camera and the audio equipment doesn't make no. Yeah. No cameras aren't.

Starting point is 00:53:17 Yeah. So yeah, who the fuck no. So, so Herod decides he needs to trick the three wise men and that's not going to be very difficult because again, in Herod and title there to trick the three wise men and that's not gonna be very difficult because again inherited title there Like the camels are literally smarter than the wise men in this movie the camels are literally like I don't think I think heros being full of shit Over here an opra meta opra camel is like I think he's gonna try and kill all the kids in Judea Trying to keep his right, but Christ will avoid him and all right, Oprah, you're done. Yeah, I wrote my notes here. I'm like, Oprah camel manages to bring down this scene. Wow.

Starting point is 00:53:58 But I mean, it makes sense that she catches on. The King's like, hey, why is man, go find, you know, the new king in Bethlehem. And they're like, okay, quick question. Are you going to murder that baby? Why? No, I want to, I want to honor him with a gift. Wow. If you know what I mean, they're like, you know, you, you hear how you said it evil.

Starting point is 00:54:15 That's super evil. The way just talk normal. All right. So I just want to give them a gift. Wow. Don't, okay. Again, don't run at the baby. I got it.

Starting point is 00:54:27 Let me do more. Try. Maha. No, my God. I didn't do it at the end there. Don't do it at the end. I want to give the baby a gift. Maha.

Starting point is 00:54:41 So yeah, so he says the wise men out to like sniff out where the thing and it makes so goddamn little sense because we've already established through great and convoluted links that the bad guy already knows because of the mouse questioning and the donkey following where to go. Right? Like so that's the scene is like triply useless. So yeah, okay. So then BoA's Ruth and Dave catch up with Mary and Joe because you know, it's the next scene after all, but they can't warn them about the danger because now animals can't communicate with humans. But they can place your raids that humans understand. And yeah, sometimes they understand, sometimes they don't. Like

Starting point is 00:55:28 halfway through the script, someone was like, uh, donkeys can't speak English. Should we go back and fix this? Don't have time. Just starting now. Technically one donkey and they're like, shut up, Joel. Yeah. But yeah, so they have to resort to doing like a charades improv skit to explain. It was like, it was like Eli trying to explain vegan to every waiter in Tokyo. Just like Eli's like, Eli's like milking himself like, no, no, this, no, Gary, no, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this is Mark, Mark, this is honor family. Mark, Mark, bad. I should have used the Sepakoo motion. Can you get off the table?

Starting point is 00:56:10 But I don't think that's helping. Eli, just step down, just step down. They can do whatever you're doing on the table. I, I, I Sepakooed every time I didn't like something in Japan. So they got it. They did get it. They did get it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:23 Oh, I don't know. So yeah. Just go back with a bowl of rice grill and dump it on the table in front of the markets. This is what you get. They got it. This is an American waiter. So they, they, yeah. So we get several minutes of the donkey and the sheep trying to communicate through interpretive dance so that there's a guy coming with dogs to kill them, but just that big growling I catch us up with them. So they have to run and hide, which they communicate to Mary now because it's now and earlier they couldn't, who the fuck knows? Anyway, anyway. So if only someone could inadvertently trigger a mouse trap like sequence of unlikely coincidence and says that knock this guy into a well, that sure would be spiffy.

Starting point is 00:57:10 Oh, Jesus. And that happens. And yeah, they pushed like a giant cart full of apples to get in his way. It's just classic, you know, cartoons. I wanted a giant apple to push a cart full of humans in the way. Then the apple starts talking to the humans, but it has to stop mid-sens. It's like, wait, I don't speak English. I mean, I'm just saying apple, apple. This is weird.

Starting point is 00:57:35 What Apple say? Shit. Yeah, but we came real close to a murdered pregnant lady in the kids movie came real close. Yeah. Hopefully there was a fruit cart would not have been surprised if they chopped Mary's head off and then delivered the baby and then like a pro life PSC. Yeah, right. Even with your life sitting in the camera.

Starting point is 00:58:00 Emotion is wrong. Kill the mother if you have to. The more you know, ding. But of course, so he triggers the Rube Goldberg invention that the bad guy gets knocked into a well. But of course, Joe doesn't know that the donkey was saving the day and he thinks he just caused a bunch of trouble. So he has to run the donkey off in advance of act three because this is a sad part now. He's trying to old yell around.

Starting point is 00:58:23 He's like, go go on get out of here We need some more Christmas music and a moby montage Exactly He also he's got to be mean and dismissive towards roof the sheep on the way out He's like, oh, you want a blowjob now like in this? I mean bad Low-jazz Yeah, but he charges off. He goes like, I don't care about anyone because this is the act three breaks.

Starting point is 00:58:53 So we're not even, we're not a flock anymore. Go fuck yourself. I just wrote in my notes. If you guys ever say we're not a flock, I will kill myself. So I will send you the video. You understand? You're a flock on this podcast. Flock cast. Man about you. So they all split up and go their separate ways.

Starting point is 00:59:17 And just then the bad guy crawls out of the well. All right. So yeah, couldn't have made that anymore obvious without a title card. So I guess Act 2 is over and we've earned a break. But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell. Will Boaz ever realize his dream of carrying a king? Wait, isn't Jesus some sort of king or something? Is that the highest level of clever this screenwriter will achieve? Find out the answers to these questions and not much more when we return for the Meet These Eleven New Characters Conclusion

Starting point is 00:59:48 of...the Star. From the makers of the Star. I'm...wally the worm, and I've...got a mission. Comes a movie about a worm with a mission. But where me, you can't do it alone. So see the most important moment in human history. But I can't miss the crucifixion. Christopher Walken. I've got a worm faster. Kelly Clarkson. I'm a bird. And a variety of other cast members that'll make you go all man, why, oh, why more often than the current news cycle.

Starting point is 01:00:32 Can I'm on my back and I'll take you? This Easter, the cross. Wait, who are you? I am film legend Peter Laurie. Oh, stop it. Good. Who can I do in impersonation, though? Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, fatties. My merciless minion. Did you succeed in killing that baby? Ah. No, no, fatties.

Starting point is 01:00:58 You can't just growl, remember? Rrr. No. No. Use your words. Now, did you kill that baby? Remember? You go, Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Well, by donkey and then grown off a cliff by a bunch of camels and some sheep. But my chief assassin was slaughtered by livestock. Well, I kept triggering these, these rude Goldberg traps. See, so no, you know what I don't see.

Starting point is 01:01:38 I'm having trouble visualizing this whole thing. Right, right. No, I get that. I get that. I get that. So what happened? Can you walk me through? Okay.

Starting point is 01:01:49 Yeah. Well, first I had my dogs, you know, my dogs. I had them question an evangelical mouse. Already going to stop you. You did what? None of those words are. Well, yeah. So the mouse, she was telling all the critters

Starting point is 01:02:04 about some child of God or something. The mouse was the mouse to this. That, yeah, that is what my dog said. Yes. In barks. Your dogs told you this. In barks. In barks.

Starting point is 01:02:17 And also charades, a combination. So anyway, we went to interrogate a donkey, but a dancing pigeon tried to distract us. It was successful. And so my dogs, they came up with a clever plan to get around that. Sure, sure didn't. Sure didn't. That is. Do you smell toast, buddy?

Starting point is 01:02:35 Like, someone's making toast right now. See, kind of. Kind of. See, just moving on, we figured if we let the Donkey go, it would lead us to its owners. Okay, how would the us to its owners. Okay, how would the donkey know where they were? Question. Question. I mean, I figured they probably mentioned it before they left, right? Right. So you assumed that they told the donkey where they were going?

Starting point is 01:03:07 Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, we followed the donkey until it, well, it outsmarted us, um, twice. And there were also camels and sheep. Yeah. Yeah. At the end, a whole bunch of both of those. Hmm. Faddeus, buddy. Yeah. I'm gonna gonna I'm gonna go ahead and get a new baby killer hate to just throw it out there like that But yeah kind of figured this is gonna happen Didn't do very well honestly. I don't really think you should have any more sword wielding Kinds of jobs moving forward. Yeah, that's that's probably the best thing. Get it And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroes, all was lost because we were about to get to the act three turn. But before we can do that, we need to linger here with a little

Starting point is 01:03:54 sadness montage. Well, this is montage to for those counting. Yeah. Yep. Sad walking montage and the lyrics, the lyrics are are amazing. Oh the show on the nose. I feel discouraged Yeah, and of course this includes some more humorous downfalling because that never cats all humorous downfalling because that never gets all with this. He falls down and then he decides between the caravan or Mary again. Yeah, right.

Starting point is 01:04:32 Okay. So yeah. So they come across the royal caravan at the end of this long sadness montage, but bow is over the last scene now because there's been a montage. God damn it. And he wants to go back and help Mary. It's like that you were there a scene ago. Like like the audience, the listening along doesn't realize how because they had an interstitial break. We didn't, the movie

Starting point is 01:04:55 didn't even have that. Yeah. And make fun of our McGuffin doing it wrong thing. We should. All right. But the burden him have this nice moment where the birds like, hey, man, we can leave the caravan. It's always been about our friendship. And I wrote in my notes, Keith, why aren't you loyal like this bird? Huh? Kagan Michael Pigeon's loyal. Yeah, it'll be.

Starting point is 01:05:17 And scene did have a bit of a, I've almost got you talked into some weird cloacca stuff, kind of a feel to it. But yeah, they do decide that they're going to stay together. Um, was he celebrates with another pigeon dance? Yeah. He spent days explaining his ass dance to these animals. So long. So many details left. Cheat left cheek right? What the hell are you guys doing? So, yeah. So Joe and Mary are still walking and Joe is pulling the cart leg. The ass that he is when suddenly the wagon gets a flat wheel. They have to have the wagon fall apart here. So Joe can get into erotic again. So they just have the wheel fall off.

Starting point is 01:06:05 Yeah. And apparently even back then, there were useless assholes who couldn't change a tire. And such a cock. He's the worst. He'd call it triple A Arab Arab Arab. I wanted Mary to push him out of the way and change it. Just like right in his face and then fuck a black guy while he watches. So, but instead of that, again, we could have made such a better movie. Bow shows up to Mary Wander's off because she's sick of Joe getting on the erotic. Bow shows up to help and then Joe runs off to help Mary because he's now over the beginning of this scene and wants to resolve conflict. Speaking of conflict resolution. Ruth is still there because Mary and Joe apparently adopted the sheep that was following them. And she

Starting point is 01:06:52 is over her last shared screen time with bow to. Yeah. He's like, we're not, no, we did the sad montage. And she's like, oh, okay, cool. And real as there was a sad montage, you got to tell me when there's a sad montage, we're two scenes away from the villains coming back, but then that means we're one scene of, okay, I got it. I'm back. I'm a timeline. So yeah, so Joe finds Mary out rocks it and, oh, dude, if she had an ancient coat hanger, how amazing would that be? No, no. What's that bucket of water for? Nothing. Nothing. So yeah, but they do have this like, should we keep the baby type of conversation? Right? Like she too was a little nervous about raising the Messiah. I wrote my notes here. The movie's

Starting point is 01:07:42 being serious now. They're taking the source material seriously at this point. We're really exploring what it must have been like for Joe and Mary to know they were raising the son of God. The call over the hunter guy. Hey, we're kind of worried about it. Can you take care of this like? You a lot of people have fallen down wells in this movie. I'm thinking donkey causes a root goldberg abortion. Oh, such a bad trap. Now. So, but yeah, but the donkey care shows

Starting point is 01:08:21 up. He's carrying all their stuff like a good donkey now. Hooray. And that's when Mary realizes the baby's coming. So Joe carries all the stuff that was on the camel and the camel carries Mary. And then we advertise the CD some more. Oh, Jesus. Ah, this is where we get the, I believe the title song, The Star by Mariah Carey. This is where we get the, I believe the title song, The Star by Mariah Carey. Oh, Mariah. Why didn't you invest better? Just doing new and spread back when we wanted you to. I just can't in money still.

Starting point is 01:08:53 Nothing. So yeah, so now it's 1992, the perfect time to go crazy. Yeah. I think she's worth like $500 million though. That's the crazy thing. She just wanted to do this. Wow. You can be rich enough to be crazy. That's true. And point they don't, there's like this threshold of just like it doesn't matter what you say or do. You have enough money. Yeah. Now, right? The Kanye West threshold. I was going to say that Donald Trump threshold, but yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 01:09:32 So yeah, so for this song, which is called the star, we get a fucking going to Bethlehem montage. Not only is this the third montage, but it's the second montage in the last three scenes. Jesus. So now we wind up in Bethlehem for the impossible census that never happened. I mean, the Bowman's kept records of and this is a record. Right? This would be a record like you wouldn't have to have a record of the census. The census itself is a record of the census. That's what a fucking census is. What was the plan for the census anyway? just like, okay, is everyone here? Yes, did anyone say home? No, everyone lineup and count off. Count it, but one, two, I don't know how to count above two.

Starting point is 01:10:19 This is gonna take so long, I hate ancient Israel. Five, bat, wait, hold on, hold on. She scratched the start over, start over, get him out of the line. All right, bad about you. So yeah, so they go to check it. So Joe and Mary have to find a hotel to stay in. I'll say they go into this hotel. They leave the donkey tied up outside and oh no, the Miller wanders by from the beginning

Starting point is 01:10:49 and he sees Bo. So he has to donkey nap him. Uh oh. What? And again, this is none of it has anything to do with the plot. They just needed to add like four minutes to this movie. Apparently, yeah. Yeah. Remember the Miller from before.

Starting point is 01:11:06 Yeah, he's getting resolved. This is a good plot twist. Yeah, it all comes back around. And I want to point out, okay, so he's bow has all their stuff on it. Now, bow shouldn't have all the stuff on him because the last time we saw him, Joe took all the stuff and bow was carrying. Mary doesn't matter, but bow has all their shit on him. So the Miller also stole all their shit, right? Like he knows that when he

Starting point is 01:11:28 laughs all the donkey, it wasn't like filled with another person's belongings. So I just want to point out Miller, Grandthaf donkey here. But of course the Inn is full. They come back out and now Bo's gone and Joe's like, Oh, shit, Bo had all the money. And Mary's like, did you left all the money tied up on a donkey outside of the end? That's dumb. And he's like, yeah, that was tough. And in Joe's imagination, bow is just like a donkey strip club. Just getting some ass, if you will.

Starting point is 01:12:00 Mad about you. And then we get this whole scene where Ruth and Dave Request they need to find bow And um, they don't There's no purpose for this scene. They just have to like oh, we have to do something with the roof and the Dave character So they go off to find both they will not find bow or in any way affect us escape Um, yep. So Mary and Joe keep looking for a place to stay ignoring that immediately proceeding line about how they now have no money. Remember, you just said

Starting point is 01:12:32 that. Now you can't go to other ends and try to anyway. Um, but then we then we also have to go back and checking with the camels. They, right, sure to tie themselves in a knot with some funny down falling. right. Sure do tie themselves in a knot with some funny down falling. I wanted so badly for Oprah's camel. There's just be like, I'm not tied up. I'm sitting in the sound booth. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 01:13:02 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no the miller ties him up in some, uh, barn somewhere. He doesn't know what to do. So he decides to pray. Praying. We actually found a children's movie where the message worse than toy story three, where all of the characters hold hand and accept death. That's what I was going to say.

Starting point is 01:13:25 The donkey is going to pray now. Donkey's praying. Yeah. Cut up to God and heaven. He's just saying bad. What am I supposed to fucking do? God, plus dude, I don't understand. Maybe do you have a do a skit for your prayer?

Starting point is 01:13:39 I don't know what's happening. I would Lee praise the donkey. No, that's not. So yeah, and this is also where we meet this character in that character in this one over here Um, great Why did this happen they literally here's Kelly Clarkson and I'm the wicket donkey or I'm the wicket go to cannot slip and I'm the Sessible I don't know what is going to happen. I know.

Starting point is 01:14:04 Yeah. Literally Kelly Clarkson starts singing because she's Kelly Clarkson and they're like, oh, she's singing because she's so sleepy. Yeah. What? So, yeah. Okay. So here's what's going on here.

Starting point is 01:14:18 These three animals live in this barn and they can't sleep. They haven't been able to sleep for like the last nine months because this star is right over top. I'm making it so bright. You know how stars are over places? It's all night. Like a rain cloud over daffy duck. Yeah. You know, you get a star in your eye

Starting point is 01:14:37 if you're driving to. Yeah, I just, you know, flip the thing down. Yeah. But, but they did set up a very nice major under it just in case any, you know, sons of God and even birthing R.A.K.3 later. It will be inside a snow globe. So yeah, so now Boaz is front befriend of these animals so they help him escape. Boy, do we just resolve that conflict?

Starting point is 01:15:07 So he runs off, he meets up with David Ruth, who again, we're fucking useless in aiding his escape. Um, and he says, Hey, you guys need to find all the other side characters so we can end this fucking thing. So they do, uh, Dave runs out and teams up with the camels and Ruth goes and finds her flock. and teams up with the camels, and Ruth goes and finds her flock. And she literally runs in her flock, she says, oh my gosh, that's my flock. And so the sheep tells the other sheep about Jesus, and they immediately believe her. Well, it just so happens that as she's telling her flock about that,

Starting point is 01:15:43 it turns out that these two shepherds are the shepherds that the holy ghost appeared to, to tell about Jesus being born in Bethlehem. It just so happens, it was the same shepherds. So all the sheep here, God, say this and realize she was right, like in the Bible. I wanted God to be Sammy L doing the speech to Ringo. You're the weak and I'm the dear, any of evil men trying really hard to be the shepherd, man. Yeah. It would have been fun. So, but of course, okay. So Mary and Joseph are still trying to find an in joke. Praise again. God has no help. But just then Boa shows up and

Starting point is 01:16:23 he's like, I know it's not an in. But it feels like, I honestly, it feels like me trying to take E light will place I would stare whatever is to get to manger. But you'll, you'll love it. Trust me. It's, it's fine. Once the lights are out, it'll be just like the other room. What star, one star on tripping bites are you insane? We're of course lay. I need the bed to be vegan vegan bad. It's not understand. Why are you stabbing yourself? I don't. Bad.

Starting point is 01:16:58 I'm a human. You can just we speaking with both of us. Don't. But. And speaking of the evil growling guy is right behind him the whole time. So they get to the major, but of course, Boaz has to go back and fight off the evil baby murderer in the kids movie. So it's time for a good old fashioned doggy. He's right. And it's just like, okay, this is all so badly written. It's so hard to just get just like, he's like, Hey, look over there. And the dog's like, what? And he's like kicking in the man. Yeah. Well, again, now if this was even mildly cleverly written,

Starting point is 01:17:39 there would have been something that was introduced within this film that would explain why at this point he was going to be able to beat the dogs. There would have been some character, quirk, or personality thing, or whatever, or there would have been some item that had been introduced, but no, he just doggy kicks the dogs and now he's one. But of course, he can't beat the horribly inappropriate child entertainment antagonist with the sword. So now the sheep have to show up and the camels. And how are the camels going to help just like wait a minute, he'll get thirsty before I hope you win free.

Starting point is 01:18:18 You don't attack me. Are you kidding? I had personal security. I'm one of the richest women on earth. I'm very bad. Oh, never mind. Cut all of her lines. She just, nothing she said just now. Oprah Winfrey. If there's a gentleman attacking me,

Starting point is 01:18:30 let me know. I'll call the police. All right. Yeah. So the camels and sheep show up. Um, and again, like, because they run the guy off of the cliff, right? And I got to wonder what the fuck does he think is going on now? Right? If you, like, I, again, I would stay there. All God damn tank. Um, but of course, this is the part where the dogs are in trouble too. So Boaz has to save the dogs, even though they're the bad guys, because he's such a good guy. Right. And I wrote in my notes here, if these dogs accept Jesus, I will shittin' my hand and throw it at the screen. And they do. So Eli had to shit in his hand and throw it at the screen. That will happen in the very next scene.

Starting point is 01:19:22 I am not welcome back at this AMC. There's a lot of those. We have a map where map where let's got the seven were still allowed to go to the woman comes in She's like no shitting on the screen. Oh So just as this all is a home So just as this all is a home, don't do this. Okay, well now you're shitting on the screen. You see how this, okay, it's moment. If you were never on the rails to begin with, it does anyway. So yeah, then we cue Christ's arrival with the sound of a crying baby. Bow rushes in and dammit if it isn't baby Jesus and dammit if Jesus wasn't one ugly fucking baby.

Starting point is 01:20:19 Yeah. Baby Jesus has male pattern baldness. Why? Yeah, baby Jesus has male pattern baldness Looks like an old clown Scary I felt very attacked by this scene God Jesus they did they modeled him after Eli that's it I wanted them to pan over and somebody's drawing the baby Jesus on a blanket. Like, what are you doing? What?

Starting point is 01:20:46 It's just bottling cloth of turin. It was already like this. I'm just tracing over it. It was like that. So, oh, and also the mouse. Remember the evangelical mouse? That mouse shows up now because that voice actress is also in the movie. And then, of course, the three wise, but not quite camel wise men show

Starting point is 01:21:05 up so that all the characters are here. And then this is where like boat, you know, so we can have boat realize, oh, I did carry a king. I'm I love to my dream. And then fucking Oprah camel goes full line us for like five minutes. It turns to literally turns to the screen is like, you know what, this is the first ever Christmas. What? What are you talking about? The first wouldn't explain what Christmas is in your mind. Right now, you know, the birth, nope, it sure isn't. It's the first ever satin nail. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:45 And then I see in council will reappoint to be the birth of Christ. So you know, bro. Face Morgan's bumping into me with his wheelchair. Stop it. Oh, bro. I was out of the 30 rock. No. No.

Starting point is 01:22:00 You're shitting on the screen. All right. So and then that's that's it guys. Oh, you're shitting on the screen. All right. So, and then that's it guys. The donkey is part of the family now and everyone's happy and Jesus is born and he won't get crucified for like 33 years. So obviously pretty fucked up movie, but I feel like that was at least inherent in the goal of doing a QC rendition of a story about

Starting point is 01:22:25 rapin and fantasie. So the close things off tonight, I want to ask you guys what biblical story you would most like to see Sony animation try to QC up next. Oh, all right. Well, uh, 33 years later, the passion, obviously, all nice, nice, nice, goi story. I'm going to go with the massacre of the Amalekites or as I would call it, mad about juice. But the jukebox. But the jukebox. I was bound to go with the story where they have to chop the concubine up into little pieces and mail her around.

Starting point is 01:23:11 That would have been mine. That would have been mine for my believe that was from judges. And while that's going to do it for a review of the star, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we're still getting our Christmas spectacular underway here. So Eli, tell us what's on deck Christmas with a capital C. I'm so happy about this one. Oh my God. Favorite preview. We've never had for movie next week. So this movie, it's Daniel Baldwin ruins Christmas, right? He comes back. It's a step down from Steven Baldwin.

Starting point is 01:23:45 They couldn't get Steven Baldwin for this. And just to say how bad this movie must be, a woman mists speaks in the trailer at the end of the trailer. We can't let this detract from our savior. No, no, detract us from crack. Yeah, yeah, we can't get detracted. That's that exact, that's the thing is that like it is so bad that Eli automatically corrected it when he said it. Eli. Anyway, so with that one to look for too, and he did, we did, didn't he?

Starting point is 01:24:28 speaks wrong. No, and he did. We did didn't he? So with that to look forward to and boy, are we looking forward to it? We're going to bring episode 120 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among their ranks, you can make an at per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show in all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, show, be sure to check out our siblings shows

Starting point is 01:24:48 the scathing atheist, the skeptic rat, and citation needed available on iTunes, stitch around wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoffelmoviesatgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, our theme song was written and performed

Starting point is 01:25:01 by Ryan Slotnik, legal drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely, La Boston, I'm an Olujinsprom's door card to earn another chunk next week.

Starting point is 01:25:11 Until then, we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Glows. Ruth, Mary, and Boaz, it's derived on a Mormon submarine and started up a very profitable street show in Mexico. Joseph's friend, Steve, spent the rest of his life hiding his Holy Spirit mask and not letting on. Jolo's seen cried until they let him play a dark-skinned character in this movie. Man of Thou, you Bugs, man of square balls, man of balls. The TV show about two gay brothers who are in danger.

Starting point is 01:25:50 You know what? She doesn't get in until like 1130. So, it's openly. Um, but yeah, I think the private, probably want to go. Unless you've got pregnant while she was gone. Really good friends to stay with. Oh, you get here and get all I do like it. It's the best friend of Sam which I've ever had.

Starting point is 01:26:17 I've had a lot of French tips sandwiches. Oh, okay. Yeah, she saw us as just baller. Okay. All right. Well, so I'm in. I'm in. Maybe we can do that before. Yeah, there you go. We can get her one. Yeah. And there should just be one way near the car. She shows off. Yeah. And where I can eat it. If she doesn't sleep in

Starting point is 01:26:32 it like a sleeping bag, you could love to sleep in one of those. I would sleep the fuck out of one of those sandwiches. What? Yeah. Make sweet. No, let's go ahead. All right. Just as a word of warning, you've been breaking up on us a little bit here and there Through the a segment the b segment so if we don't respond to something that you said that's probably gonna be why It's not that you're not funny. Just say joke over if that happens. Yeah And seen the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2017 all rights reserved.

God Awful Movies - 120: The Star

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