God Awful Movies - 121: Christmas with a Capital C

Episode Date: December 12, 2017

This week, Eli and Heath team up for an atheist review of "Christmas with a Capital C" ... or what we like to call "How the Jew Stole Christmas." --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts --- All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And they are so dedicated to making this character cutesy that they have just covered her face in flour and frosting to the extent that my wife, who hadn't been paying attention, looked up from her phone where she was playing hungry shark, saw the little girl and goes, genuinely goes, did someone come on her face? And I paused the movie and I was like, what do you think would happen in this movie where a child someone come on her face? And I paused the movie and I was like, hey, what do you think would happen in this movie where a child had come in their face? And she was like, I don't know, you watch weird movies and left the room.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. That's what is a better animal leaving the rooms. I like it, I like it. Ooby, ooby, ooby. Oh Welcome back to god up. Oh no, he's dead You we're in see your gonna you go. I thought we agreed. Okay You go

I'm gonna go welcome back to god awful movies For each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema so you don't have to but this one you should actually watch It's it's pretty great one hundred percent. It's fantastic. I'm he's done right now I'll be doing a as you can already tell very sloppy version of the know a thing for today while he gets over a super bad flu and Sitting to my immediate left is some scotch from my scotch whiskey advent calendar that I got Speaking of which sitting 81 miles to my right is my amazing whiskey gifting friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon sir? Pretty fantastic. It was Scotch or Omaha steaks and I chose both. So pretty.

Excellent. That is how I sustain myself. So tell us, me, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Christmas with a capital C. It's the story of an evil atheist lawyer who won't let a small town spend public money on an activity scene, thus ruining their Christmas. But more importantly, it's about how good Christians rise up above petty differences and embrace other points of view. For example, they would never make this movie is something they wouldn't do. And, uh, you like, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Christmas and you hate literally everyone else, we'll love this movie. This is as close to God bless America and no place else, the movie, as I've ever seen. The protagonists in this, look, we talk about Christian movies all the time and we're

like, oh, they protect, how can they be the protagonist? I don't understand how they saw the good guys in this movie as the good guys in this movie. It's very confusing. It's very confusing. And is there anything you'd like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, just repeat myself again.

Best worst protagonist. This is about a mayor who doesn't want to include a Hanukkah bushel. That is the conflict of this movie. No Hanukkah bushel. It's a bushel? Is that what you, it's a bushel? Didn't know that. And you'd say the mayor is the protagonist.

I would say the mayor is the protagonist, or it's one of those backwards-y things and Daniel Baldwin's character is the protagonist, and then this movie's confusing. All right, well, I want to get back to the bushel thing in a minute, but I'm going to say best worst choice of sport for the action scenes. They have like two, I think, action scenes in this. And the sport they chose was skiing, which sounds all right, but they didn't want to get too exciting. So they did not downhill skiing, but cross country skiing.

So the country skiing, the sport of healthy grandmothers everywhere is the action scene in this movie. Yep. Um, what does a Hanukkah bushel look like real quick? Okay, so it's mostly bags of Jew gold and you wrap them with a grid string on top. And then so everyone chooses one and whoever gets the noy go only gets one coin. We do the blood rates and stuff. And that's just like family tradition. Thank you. But then at the end, everyone dumps all their

gold and you play dreidel for it. You start with an advantage. If you got a good bag out of the bushel, it's a lot of fun. It's a whole thing. There's an 18 M.A. episode about it. That would be rude. That would be rude. That's what I just said. Like 90% of our listeners are like, I mean, that could be true. I'm gonna need him to go ahead and break character.

Tell me that the bushel ain't real. All right, I don't know which side I'm on. That does really. A new adjuin kind of. Persecuting us. All right. I, we know which Sodom on that does ruin a new adjusiness kind of persecuting us. I want to take a quick break. But first of all, teaser, we already mentioned it a little bit. Uh, two words, Daniel Baldwin get excited. Oh, if you like Alex Baldwin and you like old man, man,

you will love Daniel Baldwin. Hey, you ready for your Christmas present? Man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man man 49.99 you can get my family gift pack when you go to Omaha steaks.com and enter our code God awful movies in the search bar that's 75% off. Yeah, love Omaha steaks. I know right? So good right now Omaha steaks is giving an exclusive savings just to our listeners. I mean, listen to everything that they get for less than $50. Two filet minions. Yeah, two sirloins, two sirloins, two bonus porkins, two boneless pork chops, four boneless chicken breasts, four kibasas sausages, four burgers, four potatoes, or gratin, four caramel apple tartlets, one Omaha steak seasoning packet.

Plus, they get four additional killbosses sausages free. Oh, I'm so excited with the extra sausages too. Right, but then I thought, wait, wouldn't my buddy Heath rather have me like donate to charity in his name instead? No, no, I'm going to stop here

at there. He would not. He had no or maybe maybe something homemade you know from no heart no you suck at making things everybody sucks at making things why would you want to give me that but then I thought no I think you like the steak yes where is it in the kitchen yeah almost take and if you want to make the people in your life this happy go to Omaha steakes.com and to our code God awful movies in the search bar and get a 75% savings. It's the gourmet gift guarantee to be a hit Who are you talking to right now? I'm just breaking the fourth wall for the ad

Oh, okay cool Defrost it this time buddy Don't tell me what to do You're gonna get a cold tummy. I'm not cold get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy.

I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy.

I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. I'm going to get a cold tummy. What? Oh boy, here we go. See back in my day, we used to say Merry Christmas because we met the Merry Christmas. You really love Christmas.

It was Jesus and Jesus alone. And it was whenever someone says, you would turn name around. I'd be like, you give him or they every time. I got to hear you. And I would say, Merry Christmas, Mr. Jew man. See the international Jew, he's the one who started the country. Oh, wow. For international, yeah. But we're always gets us back to the international Jews. Christmas. So how are they now?

I don't know. How does that under a tree? So he's a full on crazy. Yeah, he's he's he's he's he's crazy. You get under that. Got it. And then got it. And and then they're turning the frogs gay with chemicals. If you're not careful, all right, buddy, let's go. Let's go poop in a jar. Yeah, happy holidays. Fuck you.

And we're back. And we're back. Okay, again, we had a whole talk and I get concerned. We agreed. I thought we talked to you agreed. All right, we need to settle that We don't want to do this on the air. Rock paper scissors ready one two three shoot go. I'm a Vulcan dog I'm rock rock beats that so I'm going all right and we're back. And my pureflix app is fired up. And I'm happy to remind of David A.R. White's NASCAR themed sitcom that is something that

exists. Obviously, I'm going to watch that later. But for now, we're going to start off in a small town, Alaska for Christmas with a capital C. Indeed deed we are. And again, there's just a montage of like small town cuteness. It's like, are the, the patos and hello, Mr. Jenkins, are you pass cool and correctly? Oh, you know, they always do. I'm going to go ice fishing with my match. Just, we're gonna get that like small town murk thing throughout. They love it. And we get to go past the sign that says, Jesus is the reason for the season, obviously. But every time I see this, I just want to cross out Jesus and spray paint access tilt or somebody's sneaking. Come on. But anyway, so we see the small town and then we pan over and we see Jefferson Darcy from married with children Ted McGinley and he's talking with a couple

of 40 plus women in our audience are like, thank you. Finally, someone gets married with children references that I need. He's actually the second Jefferson Darcy, whatever, but yeah, he's just, he's doing some building, he's doing some woodworking and he's hanging out talking with a, a jawbone, is it just a jawbone with hair on it and a person around it. So that character will be Uncle Greg. And let me tell you, Uncle Greg is going to pay off in the best way possible. We'll get to it. So they're small touting back and forth when who pulls up but Daniel, mother fucking bald man. And he's back to his small hometown Alaska after investing in New York. Yep, and we learn very quickly that he's an old high school rival of Ted McGinley's

character. And he's back in town because we see him with his got a U-Haul truck. So apparently he's back for some reason. And he starts asking about Ted McGinley's wife. He says, how's Christian? Yeah, and he goes, she's fine. Our kids are good too. And I was just like, really? The actual interaction here is like, how, how's your wife doing? Good, I fucked her. I fucked her a bunch. And she's mine. Mine now, honestly, if Ted McGinley had run over and peed on his wife for the rest of the scene, it would have been more subtle.

Yeah. It's like, how's Chris measure Dix against me right now? My dick's already out. It's coming. It's coming. Let's go. Stretched flat. That's the way to do it.

Babies get erections. He starts peeing on Daniel Baldwin. Dude, you're doing it wrong. I see. I know you're doing the pee thing, but I don't know. I thought we could open this up. Never mind. I take it back. It thought we could open this up. Never mind. I take it back.

It's kind of like being a circle around her. You just pee on you. It works the same way. Oh, see, way ahead of you. The chest appears on another dude, which is my heartfelt biography, which no one has bought yet. So please head to Amazon. It's getting to be the holidays. Every check it out.

All right, so now we move over to the sun. His name is Cody. He's cross country skiing because again, cross country skiing is the sport they chose to be the exciting action in this movie. Yeah, I'm guessing curling was too high stakes. Exactly. So we meet Ted McGinley. the exciting action in this movie. Yeah, I'm guessing curling was too high stakes. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, we meet Ted McGinley's son. What's the character's name?

He's the mayor and Cody. The Cody's the son and what's the dad, mayor, Crampton. Mayor Crampton. Okay, so, yeah, we're at the Sud and now we get to meet Ted McGinley's family. And he shows up. We meet his wife and

he's a propaganda daughter. Oh, yeah, we also meet QC propaganda daughter. Good point. He walks in and she runs to him and she goes, daddy, daddy, I'm going to be the angel and he goes in the play. And I wonder so badly, be like, no, I have cancer, terrible, terrible bone cancer. This is how we thought you'd like to find out. Have a cookie.

There's also this tiny moment here. And I want to know if you notice it too, where he comes in and he's hugging the daughter and the wife goes, okay, now help me set the table. And he's just like, no, you're the woman. Yeah, are you busy riveting metal? You set the table, whatever. Yeah, no, I'll set it. And then you can fuck me to sleep with your giant dick.

No, don't, all right, then you set it exactly. There's a good amount of this gender role issue in the movie that they go firmly, firmly on the, the anti feminist side of her reaction to this insane rebuke of asking for household help is, okay, what's wrong? Why am I covered in urine? It's like nothing. Mitch Bright's here. He's going to take your vagina., he's gonna trick me out of it with a riddle. I know he's gonna trick me out of your vagina with a riddle.

My dick's bigger, by the way, we checked. We checked. We checked. And I pee-dashed. You know, babies get erections. I don't listen to all your shows. That's very good. Well, you should listen to all the shows, and make sense.

We agree that babies get erections. Was that, was that where the ended? Those are the citations needed. I remember. I didn't remember that. Oh, okay. We agreed that they did. Okay.

I received many tweets that babies get erection. Babies get erections. All right. We got a strong response on that. Many tweets. Not expecting. Not expecting. Yeah.

All right. Which is weird because we recorded that episode like a month ago. And so I had no idea why on a Wednesday everyone was just like, babies get erections. I was like, ah, they found manor in that history. But I know, no, it was just the episode. Yes. So they decide after talking about how her old high school flame and his high school

rivals back in town, they decide, I guess guess to invite him over for dinner for some reason to yeah to to welcome into town or whatever. And she decides to make stroke enough to show that they're not poor like. He's this like rich lawyer and she wants to be fancy so she's gonna make. rich lawyer and she wants to be fancy. So she's going to make beef scraps with sour cream. I don't. It felt, Julie, like it felt like she was going to be like, well, I don't know how to make a kugel or the motto ball soup. They're such fans of. And our son's foreskin is long gone. I don't know. I'll be able to feed him. I'm just. So we get a little more of a family time. We get a little interaction, brother, sister fighting at the table. And then we cut back to dad and the son.

I'm a little heart to heart talk on a snowmobile. Now a snowmobile is for poor people and emergencies responders. Yes, explain to me the appeal of a snowmobile. I don't know. I've been out a couple of times. It's pretty fun. Is it a dangerous open car? Is it a motorcycle, right?

It's like a poor, it's like a less suicidal motorcycle. Yeah, I mean, God, it's like a big motorcycle for snow, sort of. Yeah. It's like a tank type of track situation. It's like a tank. It's on like a tank type of track situation. It's like a like a big sander. I want to be in that guy's pitch meeting just like it's like a less suicidal motorcycle for snow. All right, sure. We'll make them. Who will buy them exclusively white people? All right, great. They roll up on a snowman bill. They're having father, son, time. And they stop at their truck and this is a little thing. But I guess the plan is they're going to

like load this snowmobile onto the bag of their pickup truck at some point to take it back to the house. And he pulls just this tiny little plank of plywood off the back of the truck and just tilts it, put it there's literally no way you're getting the snowmobile onto that truck. It's ridiculous. I really hope they tried and they had to cut a tragic accident that happened because that thing is just a snap of shooting up in the air, hitting someone in the face, something bad happened if they tried that.

It's not the original Cody. It was another Cody. It was just a pale done a spear of wood. Good chance not the original Cody. There was another Cody who was pailed on a spear of wood. Good chance that's what happened. Yeah, so, but the general point is they're going to start talking really, really awkwardly about how to introduce this Daniel Baldwin character and their backstory. And in the most sexist objectifying way possible. It's a, he literally goes like, oh, we competed over everything.

Mostly the ownership of your mom. I won your mom. And then he does like a little like woo gesture. And the son's like, yeah, mom was an object to be one. Yeah. And they literally, they have like a man talk where he's like, now tell me son, anyone trying to steal your Poon and he's like no my Poon is fighting back and it's like a hoon fighting back that old story gross

Yes, so for there we cut over to the local coffee shop and Now Daniel Baldwin's walking in and he's gonna Order a peppermint mocha at kids temperature, which is I believe 108 Fahrenheit. Is that right? Yeah, I don't understand what, um, why this scene is in the movie. Seems like Daniel Baldwin has a perfectly normal coffee. Ah, coffee.

I'm with soy at a hundred. It's a great, I'm rooting for the Christians at this point now. This is disgusting. It is literally a point in this movie that he drinks. So email he's there. Everyone in this coffee shop. They the music might as well stop. There should be an old time a piano player who stops playing and turns around and looks

at him when he says so I. Yeah. Honestly, the guy next to him is about to like break off the bottom of a coffee cup like a beer bottle and stab him. He's not happy. How did you even disc hard board? How did you? You see, right?

Right. But the general point is that Daniel Baldwin is going around town offering business advice to local business owners. And I guess the lady behind the counter, Josie is the owner of this coffee shop and he's figuring out how to get her more customers. Ooh. We're now in Scott right now and I'll make it happen. I'll make you more customers.

That's basically the idea. Bulls out a giant devil, scroll and a needle and an ink well filled with blood. I can sell you six lattes a morning instead of three. Yeah. Right. So for the coffee shop, we cut over to dad and his brother, Uncle Greg, and they're getting off their boat. It turns out they run tours around Alaska is one of

their jobs and they are talking through how great Christmas is and how what a wonderful time of year it is. Which it is. I love Christmas. I love Christmas, I love Christmas. I love Christmas. I love Christmas. Yeah, we don't like Christmas.

Everybody loves Christmas. But they're talking through it and then again, the mayor character cannot stop focusing on Mitch Bright and the fact that he's coming to the Christmas party. He's just like, yes, Christmas is great. Anyways, Chris didn't invite him to Mitch Shwar, Christmas party, I don't like his penis. To the extent that I wrote in my notes at this point,

does this dude think Mitch Bright is gonna murder him and steal his goal? That's how he's behaving. And he's, this Uncle Greg character is the fucking worst. I hate him so much. He's like, he's the funny guy apparently. He's like the funniest guy that the people who made the movie know, it's actually, I learned later, it's a comedian named Brad Stein who, um, he do not pay attention to the credits.

Yeah. Oh, I, I, I, I, okay, I'm going to get to it. Yeah. Uh huh. All right. I will get there. Yeah. He's, he was in a possible of comment. It's the worst, but yeah, he's horrible for the whole movie. He's just doing all his Larry's bits. Yeah, and we should point out that this person gets introduced to you a couple times a year, right? Because someone will be like, yeah, you're a comedian and I'm like, yeah, and they're like, you should meet Crangle Puss.

And Crangle Puss is fucking wearing a piano key necktie and he has like a hand buzzer when you shake his hand and then he like tells a rape joke that has the N word in it and you're stuck with him at the party the whole time. Stop putting the funny people in your life with Crangle Puss. Yeah, that's that's this guy and he's gonna be he's honestly he's like he's the main character. I think the people made this movie. He's not like the protagonist in the traditional sense, but he's the main character. He's in every scene. He's the worst. Hmm. He's, but he's definitely supposed to be the hero in a lot of these scenes. And then it's, it's heinous. Anyway, so now we move over to Daniel Baldwin. And he's arriving

at their house for, for the dinner they invited him to. Yeah, for straw man dinner. Right. So we're at the dinner and he is just entirely going to speak in setups for the main characters of this movie to knock down, except the people who made this movie are terrible. So all of the setups that they quote unquote knock down are terrible. Yeah. So when you walked in, I thought the mayor was going to be just like fucking his wife on the dinner table, just like holding up a title deed for the house and the wife,

like, uh, uh, put my dick in my property. I don't know if you saw, here's my paperwork. Well, you might want to sit in that chair, but I came on it. It came on all the chairs except for my daughters. Yes. Because I'm not a senator. So yeah, they have just this long extended, like you said, just a straw man talk at Daniel Baldwin's like complaining about how he hates God. And there's a lot of hope to focus around here. And you're too conservative. He actually says that he says Yeah, you know, you're being too conservative and I find this whole town's a little too conservative

There's a lot of hoax focus and the mayor goes. Oh Do you mean the natives you mean like the Eskimos and their ice And it's like whoa, no, no, I meant whoa Christianity. What oh? What no? You mean the snow snow and words right snow and words No, it's literally the response to this it's because you're conservative and uncle Greg goes You went to school in Califagna so what are you guys just like I I'm sorry we didn't go to fancy dancing Berkeley. I went to

the school of heart knocks at three numbers together. I'd prefer not to think you better than me with your fancy college and your fancy leaving Alaska once in your life. He's like, yes, I do. I don't get the question. I mean, that definitely means I better than you life. He's like, yes, I do. I don't get the question. I mean, that definitely means I'm better than you though. He literally asked them when the last time they left Alaska was, and because these characters have never left Alaska, Uncle Greg is just like, oh, I've been too busy. He's just building bombs, shelters, and believing crazy conspiracy theories. And I was like, because that's not a thing Christians do.

Is that what the polo is saying? I don't know what's side of the joke they're on or if there is one, no, not at all. Not at all. I want a Daniel Baldwin to go through the conspiracy theories and Uncle Greg just keeps having to admit he believes and he's like, oh, all right, I thought you were a 9-11 conspirator.

Well, I mean, I'm not 11. I was in the sabbatics. The government. Okay, well, didn't you post something about Camdraus? All right, but why would planes need to give out a vapor? What about the earth being flat? Have you ever been to the North Pole? It's not a thing.

Otherwise, look, it go up in a plane. I never have, but if you go up in a plane, the earth's not curved. You know, they won't let it go. I'm not like this rocket because of this. He was going to prove it and they won't let him do it. He has a Uber and everything. He has Google maps. He'd be fine.

So we get a little bit more of that. And we act. This is an actual thing that Daniel Baldwin says. He's supposed to be the bad guy. And he's like, okay, well, I'm just telling you that America, it's all about being diverse and loving and peaceful and tolerant. And yep, they're arguing against the, he's the bad guy throughout this movie.

I don't understand anything that's happening. The protagonist's response to America being about diversity, love, peace and tolerance is, look, and this is a real quote, look, just because it's God has been kicked out of the big city, doesn't mean we throw him away here like last month's fashion magazines, which is a weird, weird little simile there, such a weird conglomeration of homophobia and atheistophobia, whatever the fuck that is just like all this man's insecurities in a sentence just like the video clip of the councilman who doesn't want to be touched on the arm come to life in a movie.

Yep. So this all leads up to Daniel Baldwin being like, okay, well, I've been thinking, I don't know, our conflict seems kind of vague. I'm going to run for mayor. So now he's going to take on the Ted McGinley for mayor on the next election, which is apparently coming up soon. And from there, it's time for Uncle Greg to get some more comedy shenanigans going. So we're back at the coffee shop and he walks in and orders a black coffee please

because he's a regular American no soy no bullshit at 10 p.m. Yeah, it's working on a heat sleep schedule. This is up in the up till four in the morning, drumming on his desk. Do you remember how we do today? Sunrise is beautiful. It is though. So yeah, he's in there. He's he's trying to flirt with Josie, the coffee shop owner and his ordering and his black card. Watch me hammer the snail with my face right now. I'll do it. And, you know, he's not doing well. He's not doing well. Right again. This is supposed to be cute

But it's terrifying because he's just like so maybe you'll go to the plane. She's like yeah, no, I am planning I'm going and he's like cool cool There might be a chair there You smell nice Some of your hair like my when your hair Like my mom make a snow no just cancel stupid that was dumb

I was dumb but my mom does smell nice she does smelling bad doesn't run in my family said when I poop don't don't watch me poop unless you want to I'm so sorry you don't have to watch me I watch you poop if you want how do I get out?

Look, nobody pooped. Obviously, they could pan over to Roy Moore just nagging a tween at a mall. This would be less awkward. It's absolutely. I was cringing the entire time. It's terrible. And then it's back to little winter wonderland. So the dad and the son, they're walking through one of the cross country ski trails. And the line, this is small thing, but the line, the line that starts the scene is the dad saying, I just thought the algebra was always tricky. Really? Algebra like, how the fuck is a letter of number? What the fuck? I so wanted 20 more minutes

of him explaining why he is a full grown adults are confused by high school algebra. He's the mayor. Look, I get it. If I'm solving for X, why doesn't someone just tell me what it is? And no matter what, that's a problem is if someone, you just torture them like Jack Bauer. That's the key. We let these people vote in our elections. It's not good. It's not good.

But the whole scene is just kind of sloppy and meaningless. The only other thing that happens is the ski team coach walks up and they're like, oh, hey, coach. And the coach is like, you are a good person, Ted McGinley. I would characterize you as good. Bye. And that's it. Hi, Johnny. You're my favorite customer. Exactly. Exactly. So from there, we head back to the mayor's office and we learn that somebody's making them obey the First Amendment of the Constitution. They got a little complaint. They got a little complaint about their nativity scene and they are not happy.

And this scene is fucking amazing. It's literally the character who's like the secretary who got the complaint. She's like, I don't know. Some asphalt said, blah, blah, blah, establishment cause, blah, blah, blah. And also, I want to point out that it is literally like they go out of their way to be like, yeah, I mean, it's the nativity scene that we put on government property and use government money for, right? If I were making this movie and I wanted to appeal to Christians I'd be like oh it's old Mishmenderson's nativity scene she's had it since she was a girl and she puts it on her lawn and Then you know as Daniel Baldwin's mad about that, but they're like no we took money from the orphans fun this year And use it to build a giant crucifix to nail Muslims too in case they ever come

to town. We fired several really good teachers, but we do have this activity scene and we're putting it up either way. I don't care. But yeah, we learn in their classrooms instead of the teacher. Yeah. And we learn, of course, that it's Daniel Baldwin who filed a complaint and they're going to have to deal with this

That's going to be the central conflict of the movie. Yeah, the central conflict of the movie is that the main characters don't understand the Constitution and don't want to Yep, that's it and now it is time for Uncle Greg to come back and he's gonna take the news of this Like a complete psychopath because that's his character. We cut to them loading up a plane where they're about to give people a tour and he's like, oh, this is how it starts.

This just kill everyone who says, God bless you if you fucking sneeze. We want to use tax money to pay for a guy to say God bless you to sneezers that Is a smart thing we're the good guys in this movie. I could do it Christians He also says the Christians started America. I will kill you. I am proving the point of the what And what's so amazing is that the tourists for their plane tour like walk up while he's like I will not I am the morning Sun you do not replace us and he's like oh sorry. I was just Angrily ranting about hurting someone getting a plane with me. I Will murder a Jew right now. Hey, welcome to my airplane. Yeah, come on in. Yep. I hope you're ready for fun and excitement

You're not Jews. Oh yeah, I ask everybody. Good, good, good. Fun icebreaker. Are you a Jew? Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, that could be a sign on a lot of the stuff in this town and a lot of the beginnings of a lot of scenes.

Yep. So they fly off. They give those people a tour, I guess. And then we're back at the city council. They're having a little meeting about the complaint, about their nativity scene. And again, this is all supposed to be like, but we're just a small town. We would never make it to the Supreme Court with his Jew money. Oh, man.

Remember? Remember when the Supreme Court was going by the first amendment? Oh, good old days. When that that would have been like, yeah, I could take this to Supreme Court and they would have to obey the first amendment. And again, I just want to clarify that the mere character is like, look, he's only doing this because he hates me. And I just wrote my notes, look, this is a personal attack on me, every Christian ever.

Yeah. Yeah, so they're going over alternatives, I guess, to their continued illegal nativity scene. And they're like, yeah, I mean, I guess we could have a happy holiday sign instead of Merry Christmas sign, for example. The mayor is like, fuck that. Let's eat a baby too. No, absolutely not.

I'm not changing the vomit. I mean, we could say happy holidays. No. Oh, God damn it. Why would you even say that? So with that out of the way, it's time for some more child romance. So they're they're meeting up on the ski trails again, Cody and Sienna is her name and she asks him if he wants to practice together and he's very confused.

Yeah, he's like, you mean race? And she's like, nope, I meant just, you know, hang out, train together, battle, no race war. Nope. Same rate, also same race. But I, you went to race war fast. Do you mean the natives? No, no, single combat, ski poles in the heart. Yeah. So yeah, they have another one of those awkward, awkward interactions. And then we're back to the coffee shop again. And we're meeting some of the local towns people and they're talking with Daniel Baldwin about how to improve their business. And again, the villain of this movie is using his fancy Jew ways to improve the business of the town. And he literally, like the mayor,

who is the protagonist of this movie, comes like bussing in the door and he's like, hey, motherfucker, I hear you hate Jesus. Yeah, he accuses him. He's like, you don't actually hate Christmas. I think you just hate me. And then a ballman's like, well, I mean, can it be both? Like, actually, it is both.

Like I actually, I hate Christmas. I also hate you. I hate Jesus. I hate everything. I hate you. And so don't like state-sponsored religion too. That's, they're both problems. You are part of the problem.

It's funny. And he's like, no, no. Right. But, of course, it's a Christian movie. So instead, Daniel Baldwin he's like, no, no, right. But, but of course, it's a Christian movie. So in said Daniel Baldwin has to give like a monologue that's 50% the greed is good monologue and 50% someone's crazy uncle on Facebook. Just like, you guys don't know that I hate America. And I've always hated America. And and I you could call me a cultural Marxist if you will and you know Blood and soil don't seem so good to me wink wink and it's just the weirdest

Strum it but what I love is he gives through this whole Crazy monologue of straw man it miss and then at the end he goes and it's pretty obvious by the fact that you don't want to include any other religions or the non-religious that your bigots And that sets the marriage like oh nobody calls me a bigot I am the mayor and I won't let you lose Christmas you Jew mother fucker And then at the very end of this little speech too Congress shall pass no law. He repeats the beginning of that little clause in the first amendment. But then the mayor, Ted McGinley, jumps in with the second part as this amazing rejoinder

that nobody saw coming. It's because, yeah, there's two sides to that. Congress shall pass no law establishing religion or inhibiting the free exercise there. It was like, you're two sides to that. Congress shall pass an all-establishing religion nor inhibiting the free exercise there. It was like, you're not allowed to murder me and you're not allowed to murder me. Nailed it. It's a tie. It's a tie. And literally, the real end line of this conversation is you and your fancy little shoes. Yeah, exactly. You and your fancy little shoes is what the good guy in this movie says. Unless you're talking to a baby in a tuxedo, you are the bad guy if you have said that sentence.

But if it was the baby in the tuxedo thing, it'd be pretty awesome. Yeah. Unless that baby in a tuxedo is trying to stop you from putting up a manger. Because he's a super FF or F baby. He's baby black well. All right. So from there, we cut over to the dad and he's talking with mom. He's all grumpy about all this happening and they're walking in the beautiful Alaskan snow and talking about how he's, he's all pissed about Mitch Daniel Baldwin.

Right. And this is supposed to be the like I love again, every Christian movie has to have a reminder that like success is bad and the fact that you work at the gas and sip from 4 a.m. to 8 p.m. is really a much better life than being a lawyer or a banker or having attended high school for more than a year. So she's like, I don't know, wouldn't have been better if I could have read or done algebra. She's like, no, no. That seems dumb.

When I he's rich and glamorous, but he's also miserable and alone. And I wrote in my notes, the Eli Basneck story starts weeping. When I he's he's rich and glamorous, but he's also miserable and alone I wrote in my notes the Eli Bosnick story starts weeping Yeah, the wife doesn't really know what to say. He's like you which would I would you like me better if I was rich and she's like Ass I don't know. I don't know what to tell you boo Who wants who wants money, right? Raising. And the mayor. Two bicycles.

And the other thing the mayor is saying, he's like, well, I just worry, you know, if I had gone out and got an education like that, I worry I would have stopped loving Jesus. She's like, don't worry, honey, you'll never get an education. That's ridiculous. Of course not. Oh, and now it is time for my favorite scene in the entire movie. This is fantastic. So we're back at the coffee shop and Daniel Baldwin looking straight up, Alec Baldwin Baldwin and old man makeup is going to bring money and business into the town by inviting cruise ships that pass by to come to the town as well.

So that's his plan. He's explaining that to someone and Greg, Uncle Greg and the mayor character, they come in, they buy their coffee and then the coffee lady says, happy holidays. Not a good thing to say. Greg is, oh man. Greg is already pulling off his high heels. Just you shut your horn out. Happy holidays. Are you kidding me? He's not happy about this.

And he launches into this giant rant about the phrase happy, honest, and much of bothers him. And again, this month, look, if you don't watch the movies with us, just watch this monologue, there are so many amazing quotes in it. There's one way he says, quote, there is really only one holiday that makes me happy. Well, me and 98% of America I wrote in my notes today, I learned 98% of America is clear. Is that even close to what is it? No. Okay. And would it matter if it was true? No. No, it would not. But yeah, he is livid and he's given this crazy, sweaty panting rant. It like, he looks like me after I ate too fast and he's going nuts and he's and Baldwin

takes out his phone and starts videotaping this. And the uncle Greg notices that he's videotaping it and he like gets right up next to ball and he's like, Mary Christmas, right in your face. Yes. And again, it really is like those viral videos where the lady's saying something racist in the grocery store and the guy starts filming her and then all of a sudden she like centers herself on camera and she's like, I really want my great grandchildren to see me say the N word.

Neeeee. That is the protagonist of this movie. He also says right into the camera he goes, Christmas is the only holiday in December. That makes me happy. Because you know that original line was Christmas is the only holiday in December and some gaffer was like, dude, Jews. And he was like, that makes me happy. Let me finish.

This is definitely something that's happened in the life of this actor in real life several times. It felt extremely genuine. I feel like he definitely has thrown hot coffee in a barista's face several times when they said happy. I'm sorry. My Starbucks accidentally came in a cup that doesn't have the reason for the season on it. Would you mind drawing baby Jesus on there and then I'll take it from you. Shit. Oh, it's fucking lesbian hands. I will stab you. Yeah, he has definitely definitely had this problem with public ranting in his real life. Anyway, he finishes the rant and from there, it's time to check back in with the cross country skiing part of the

plot. You guys remember about that. So Cody and Sienna are apparently practicing together. And they're about they're about to, I guess, race each other for practice. And he says the again, this is a little thing, but he says, one, two, one, two. And that's the count. That's the count. That's the count. One, two, one, two. And then they just go.

Like, did they didn't, nobody has done a single sport with any, so like, is it one, two, zero go? Or has anyone counted to three in this movie? Is it one one two three five eight? How do they do it? No, I zero one zero one zero zero one one. Yeah, so they go on fucking two and we literally are watching a cross-country skiing action scene. That's what's happening.

So good. Yes, they spent their lift ticket money hiring Daniel Baldwin, so we went with cross-country skiing. And we do, there's one little moment that I enjoyed in this, we get the best fall ever. The girl, Sienna, gets out in front of him. And she just, all of a sudden just like crumbles into a pile of balls on the ground like sniper fire. Exactly. So from here we get to I think this is my favorite scene coming up. This is where

Uncle Greg decides to engage in some sweet, sweet child Christian propaganda in the public square. Oh, this is amazing. So Uncle Greg has brought the little girl dressed as an angel into like the town square to sing Jesus songs. Yep. And I was so sure they were going to have Daniel Baldwin like just come in with a flying tackle while she's in the upper song. Atheist, I wanted so badly for them to like show up to the town square. There's already a North Korean little girl there singing a song about Kim Jong-un and how awesome he is. And they're like, all right, well, let them finish.

And then, all right. Yeah. Well, I mean, those, but we're only slightly exaggerating what actually happens in this scene. Daniel Baldwin shows up and he literally tries to pull the girl down from where she's standing. And he's like, I'm sorry, little girl, you have to stop singing. You must right now.

There's a preliminary injunction. I don't know if you know what that means, but legally, you absolutely must step down. He starts wrapping her face in duct tape. He was going to show up and riot gear and just blast the girl down with a fire. He's just mason or like occupied. Exactly. And again, they are, this is a perfect straw man for them to set up, right? She's singing a song, the mean atheist is stopping her. And instead of her going actually,

you're allowed to sing whatever you want, wherever you want. I mean, you just like time and place doesn't really apply to children singing. Instead, she goes, but I'm not government property. She practically turns to Cameron and goes, I'm just a sweet little girl who loves Jesus. Yeah. But Baldwin insists on pulling her down anyway and gets into a little bit of an altercation with Uncle Greg and Uncle Greg, like barely puts his arm on him and he flies backwards and tries to pretend he's been assaulted.

Like, of course, a Jewish atheist, whatever his character is born to be would do. He's like a less exaggerated Mike Surnovitch surrounded by teenagers. Just like, did you hear that? I'm being assaulted. Being say, yeah, my elbow, my elbow. Yep. And then from there, we go back home and we see them kind of like all excited. Being said, yeah, my elbow my elbow Yep And then for there we go back home and we see them kind of like all excited about the little propaganda thing

They did they're kind of bragging about it. Yeah, mom's like you boys Using our child as a political prop against your high school enemy But they're all psyched about it. They're so good like like she's sang in front of a tank at Tiananmen Square and like, won the game for the Christians. Yeah. So from there, we go back to City Hall and the secretaries explaining that that Jewish people exist to the mayor basically. This moment in the movie is so fucking incredible because she's like well I mean we could just add more stuff to make it inclusive and he's like what am I supposed to do put up a Jew tree Please what is I don't I heard something about a bushel, but I don't know if they were joking

He sort of slipped in and out of whether or not that was real and then I Googled Jew Bush, and a bunch of stuff came up and then just Jew Bush and a whole different set of websites came. I don't want to get into it. Anyway, he literally says, I'm not making this up. He literally says, do we have to get the quanza? I don't even know what symbol that is. I don't know what we put a black person up on the tree. No, no, what are you talking about? No, sorry. You bring this up at every meeting. I feel like you have a black person. You want to know, I'm not.

You, you do. Yeah. So at this point, I'm guessing because of that exchange, somebody on the movie was like, all right, well, now we need to hire a black person for this movie. So we're left equal. So they do. And they find this ridiculous woman who's absolutely not from this town in Alaska. And just, I mean,

by chance, she happens to have what appear to be like wooden braces from the 1800s and she talked, there's food flying every, it's like a woodchipper when she talks. It's it's very observed. Right. And her entire purpose in this movie is for them to go. Yeah, but um, because the line here is literally so we're supposed to bow down to the god haters. Right. This is a literal thing that a character in this movie says and they're like, yeah, I mean, you know, there's the establishment clause and they find the most black person they know, which was obviously this character to go screw the establishment clause. The good guys in this movie yell screw the establishment clause at their town meeting.

Yep. And then we come back from there to the family and Uncle Greg. He's helping out the little girl with the Christmas play she's going to be in. And this is so that Greg can do more combination and again. Oh, he like the guy from the Apollo needs to just follow this guy around with the hook at all times. Like I would hate for that. The worst. Just rent a gong and follow the sky around and hit it every time he talks. Exactly. Whoever told this actor, he's funny, he should be shot because he's like, he does this Christmas story.

And I'm not going to bring you through it step by step. But like, he's doing the Mary gets raped moment. And he's like, he's like, say you're lying. And she's like, don't worry, I come with good news. God's going to rape you. And he does like a modern girls would be like actually I don't want to get pregnant right now, but luckily for me Mary was like super Super cool about it. She was like make my day Yeah, that's that's given in this example of like a bad thing is like a modern girl would

be like, I got sexually assaulted by a ghost and now my husband's allowed to murder me with rocks and I don't like this. And he's like, well, that's what that's what a modern feminist would say, which is gross, but Mary was cool. So women, right? Right. And the book and Cody turns to Sierra, who is there to like pick up some dick from him. And he's like, oh, sorry, my uncle's so embarrassing. She's like,

actually really like this weird rate play that you're uncle and your child sister putting on. It's fun. Yeah, well, I mean, she's she's trying to to get some Cody dick. So she's been clearly, she's just like faking being charmed by a thonkle and the little sister, like, like Meg Ryan and the deli, basically. So now we're back at the town hall meeting and we've had a break from them saying that they hate the establishment clause of the constitution. And they're doing the all shucks. I'm just a simple haphichic in section of of you know, Christ is the reason for Christmas. And this

is where the movie is supposed to take a turn, but it doesn't write. This is where the mom is like, Hey, you know, what if we worried less about our rights, even though they're totally trying to take away our rights, and more about other people, which again is so close to a good message, except they need to point out that like, look, we're totally right. And the atheist, Jew bastards are totally wrong, but we should probably focus on good will towards man or some moves that I like help the poor. We stopped making this movie. Yeah, we probably should, but we're not going to. No, we're not going to.

Boo. So they wrap up their little meeting and the family wraps up their little skit and Cody and Siano walk outside do a little more really, really awkward flirting. It's just the craziest thing. And immediately when they they get outside he's like, hey, could you not tell anyone at school that my uncle is a schizophrenic? Right. She agrees to not tell anyone, only if Cody will race in the Christmas Cup, which is race that they're setting up as a useless piece of plot that's going to happen at the end, I guess. The cross-country skiing race that will be the peak of this movie.

The action-packed flat ski race that they're going to do. Exactly. So from there, it's time for a... Well, Christmas montage of Christmas-y stuff happening in town because they've revived it. It's Christmas with a capital C. Yeah, it's a quite Christmas montage. See, they've decided, you know, they're not going to fight for this anymore. Instead, they're going to make signs that only hints at being Christiany, you know, like cupcakes with a sea on them or who wants to buy an angel for a kid whose parents are in prison or have a hot chocolate with a capital C. It's sneaking religion into people's life. Exactly.

Said the good guys in this movie. Yup. And now we're also giving away boxes of food to poor people in the town and doing like, you know, good Christian with a capital C, how Jesus Christ would do it type stuff. One little thing though, they give away a box that has some peppered farm cookies in it and it's the ginger man cookies, which that's the worst peppered farm choice ever. Like seriously, fuck the movie. Are you serious? It's Brussels or Milano's end of conversation. You don't, uh, Milano's aren't cookies though. Milano's are like a whole dessert. The German cookies are cookies. What are you seriously going

on record support? Your ginger man cookie says, that's a good choice from the entire pre-term collection. I will happily take the ginger man cookie. I will give out ginger man cookies to your whole family. That's what I'll say to everyone you know and love a ginger man cookie package everybody This is racist. This is ridiculous Eli he said something racist and especially the ginger man thing all cookies matter Yeah, so but anyway the point being that they're doing their little like letter C thing, I don't get that. Like, it's the letter C by itself. It's supposed to be like vague enough that it's, it's not just for Christmas. It could be like the alternate spelling of Hanukkah with a C

or like, right, who again, I thought the last scene was going to be a turn where they were like, hey, maybe we just embody Christian values and be kind and love other people, even though that's not what Christ talked about. He mostly talked about the world ending and beaten up olive trees and the old laws and shit like that. But hypocrisy aside, I thought that the turn was going to be no, let's just be kind. But what it turned out to be was like, let's be sneakier so that the Jew lawyers can't come for us It's like when someone tweets. I hope you have a strong neck at me on Twitter. I'm like I get it I get it. You don't want your accounts suspended, but we all know wait. We all know strong neck. What yeah, it's that threatening to hang you

What the fuck are you serious? Yeah, we have very different Twitter experience. Dude, then the onion never does anything about hanging. Wow. I'm going to put them all together into a big montage to all. Sorry, it's going to be fun. We're going to have a good time. Don't worry, everybody. It's a good time.

All right. All right. Well, from there, we cut over to the coffee shop one more time. And now Uncle Greg's walking back in the coffee shop and he's holding a giant roll of paper towels as him to say like, hey, Josie, you might have taken massive shit in the back. I brought an entire roll of paper towels. That's what I thought was going to happen. But instead he's there to apologize

for he's like, Hey, remember when, when I asked an attack to you for saying happy holidays and then I stood on your chairs while I'm gonna wipe off the chairs. Yeah. Sorry. And we also, we also get a scene with the daughter again and she's decided the little angel daughter who was singing. She wants to make cookies for the guy who maced her and right gear shielded her out of her spot where she was singing. And you know, to be a good Christian. Right. And they are so dedicated to making this character cutesy that they have just covered her face

in flour and frosting to the extent that my wife who hadn't been paying attention looked up from her phone where she was playing hungry shark saw the little girl and goes genuinely goes did someone come on her face and I paused the movie and I was like what do you think would happen in this movie where a child had come in their face she And she was like, I don't know, you watch weird movies and left the room. That's one of the better anal leaving the rooms. I like it. I like it. Right. So she wants to make cookies for Mitch Bright and mom realizes or starts to realize, oh, right. Mitch Bright has actually been nice to everyone except for those who define nice as violating the Constitution.

Maybe we shouldn't have been a total dick to him from the moment he arrived in our town. Exactly. So that's kind of going to be what they're going to be like, better, they're going to be the better person. They're going to do the Christian with a sea thing. So the next scene is them driving up to Baldwin's house, Mitch Breit's house, to give him the cookies. Oh man, if Mitch Breit just walked out on his porch

and shot them for trespassing, just, Blam, credits, how, here's the question. How would the people watching this movie feel about that? They would have no idea, they'd be very conflicted. They'd be very conflicted. It'd be very conflicted. It is Daniel Baldwin and the Mandalay Bay shooter just hanging out talking politics on the porch. When they walked up to the door and she was like looking in the windows to see if he was there, I just wrote, please let a black hooker answer the door. Please let a black hooker answer the door.

So yeah, she can't find him though. Daniel Baldwin's not there and she leaves the cookies on his doorstep and gets back in the car with her mom. Right. And she's, she's a little sad because she was really hoping that she'd give cookies to Daniel Baldwin and he'd change religions. Mom's like, honey, he'll totally change religions when he takes those cookies. Trust me. It's gonna be great. So now they have a nice little prayer scene which shows this is the most this wins the award for most passive aggressive prayer We've ever had in a movie. It's literally like dear God. I pray for Mitch because God made him grumpy and

God never let grumpy grumps. It's just like no Hitler was a real sour pus. Let's pray that Jesus reaches down and gives him the courage to pull the trigger on him and Abraham. And also I pray for Republican mayors. Amen. Yeah. Amen. looking mayors, amen. Yeah. Amen. And on that gripping note, we're going to take quick break. Well, I mean, is that the end of act to are there are there acts in this way? I guess it doesn't matter. I'm going to give act whatever the hard sell will Daniel Baldwin find the Christmas spirit? Are there any Jewish people in this town? If there are, what's the

town plan to get rid of them? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the Boxing Day-S disappointment that is Christmas with a capital C. Will if it isn't Rich Manderson my old high school rival, Ted Hutchinson, how are you? You still married to that hot piece of ass I wanted back in high school? You bet you're dick I am. Hi, I'm actually right here, the one you're talking to. So what brings you to town?

You're trying to fuck my wife? Cause she's mine. Mine. Maybe I will. Maybe I will fuck your wife. I don't know. I'm here. You can't talk about. Nobody cares. Nobody fucks my wife but me. Me. Me.

Out gross honey. No, I licked her. You still want her? Still want her? No, gross. Okay, whatever. Fine. You keeper. Yeah, I win. This is, this is fine. Because I'm a Christian. Why don't you per thing? And we're back. Oh my God. But how did we not agree? It was so clear that it was me who doing this part. I was a Vulcan dog. And we're back again when we left off.

Man Sarah Pellan and his daughter were praying to make America great again. And now it's time for a judge to examine the scene of the crime. Finally make a ruling on this nativity scene. Right. She's examining the statues to see if they're religious. I don't know what she was expecting to see. They are terrifying and ugly. I don't know what was wrong with the faces on them.

They were ridiculous. Right. And we were very much supposed to believe that these were beautiful, right? Because he's like, yeah, they were carved by a man who worked in a workshop. And all he ever did was make lumber. And it's like, yeah, I could tell. These are bad. These are bad statues.

Yep. So the judge sits them all down. She's like, all right. So here's the deal on the record. This is a giant waste of my time and taxpayer money just like the crash. On the record is a really bad movie. But off the record, I'm actually, you know, a Jew for Jesus. Have you guys seen the unexpected bar mitzvah? I would really prefer not to

rule against this. So you guys, you know, figured out. I need to ask her, but I don't think off the record, the judges supposed to tell you that they love Jesus and that they really wish that the law wasn't what it was. No, there's no honor on it. You're just not supposed to do that. Absolutely not. Also, I love her three options here. Option one include Jews in Muslims and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Am I right? Anyways, second option, you sell it to someone as a tricky, tricky, and then you put it in a park, you know, and then the third is like, don't put your religion as part of the government. But like, who the fuck wants to do that, right? Huh? None of those

are okay with these Christian people, though. They're all, all three of those are unacceptable to us. In fact, you're probably a witch and we might burn you. Is three spots. Yeah. So the basic idea is they're going to have to try to work this out themselves or else I'm going to have to rule on this. And like I said, on the record, there's laws and you're obviously wrong. So.

And off the record, I wish there weren't laws, but off the record, I wish they weren't. I'm a federal judge. Yes. So Donald Trump appointed me because he likes my block. Yeah. So from there, we check back in on the town's folk and them figuring out how to get more business along with Daniel Baldwin again. Yeah. And the plan is specifically now, the Daniel Baldwin is going to bring a cruise ship

into their town more often or whatever and two old guys are like, oh, well, that's going to bring us like old ladies to and we can fuck them. So Mitch for mayor and they're wearing like Mitch, bright mayor buttons and they're going to put from. I just wrote great scene, necessary scene. And then we get a quick scene between the mayor and Mitch where Mitch is like, hey, do you want some help tearing down

the platform of the super unconstitutional thing? And he's like, no, no, it's a porch. Can't stop me from having a porch. Exactly, like, I'm gonna leave these plaques of wood here for spite, deal with it. You're allowed to leave these planks of wood here for spite deal with it. You're allowed to leave wood wherever you want. And honestly, like seriously, leaving useless planks of wood in everyone's way that might hurt a child.

That's Christianity. And I like, fuck a kid and be humanized some gay people. That's Christianity right there in a nutshell. You got it. I've decided to write some hate speech on these planks and leave them here. Right. So now we get to check on Daniel Baldwin's lonely, terrible, sad life, which, um, and I just want to say the fact that this is very similar to Heath's life means nothing. Okay. No, no.

Jessica Winston. Lots of people sitting in the dark eating pizza. It's got nothing to do with anything. I don't like phone calls. Maybe I mean, that's this. It seemed, you know, it seemed not. It seemed peaceful. He was just hanging out eating pizza, like he said. I mean, maybe it turned a light on. Maybe it turned a light on. He did have a couch, absolutely, but it's supposed to be this like terribly depressing thing. He's just sitting by himself, believing in nothing in the dark pan over. There's the Grinch shooting up heroin in the other stuff. Stupid. Getting blown by pre-revolution abanese or scrooge.

But meanwhile, the Christian House, they're playing board games and having fun. And I just want to say that my extended family all live in the same town and they are mostly godless and play board games and have fun. And Thanksgiving is just like that for me, despite not having a god. And it would be like that every day, but I'm not allowed to move to Cleveland because my wife hates me. So I'm just saying you don't have to have God to play board games. You can have, you can have fun board games too, but not Salas of Catan.

Fuck, Salas of Catan. Oh, do you not like Salas of Catan? What's wrong with that? No, no, look, there are three board games that are a cancer on earth. One, apples to apples, which is not funny people. That's supposed to be funny. As a ball is really we are not funny. The game then there's cards against humanity,

which is that but with swearings. Yeah, right. It's just like, oh, look how edge AM2, and words sitting in a buck, fuck you. Fuck, if you can't tell your grandmother to fuck herself, don't use a card game to do it. I know they do lots of nice things for charity, but it's this got me and the third the third is Settlers of content because there's always some asshole and he's always like you're gonna play Settlers

Content and you forget how it's played and how long it's been so you sit down and nine and a half hours later I've got a handful of wool I've gotten more wool cards than they fucking printed and I need some fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, I'm a fucking man, on me. Nobody else robs rolls a fucking six or whatever it is you're supposed to roll the get his ass off my land. So, so what you say it is you beat your children nephews and nieces at monopoly, but not so there's a good tan and you know, not a monopoly. I need a game that involves a lot of luck or Pictionary good a dictionary because my wife gets me Alright, so anyway Also fuck a dictionary with people have been married for 40 years

I like pick a single line and Uncle Larry's like, but there's the sale boat fuck you fuck you in your long deep connection I could draw the Mona Lisa and my wife would be like woman hat. I don't even like the Mona Lisa. I don't think it's a good and I feel like we're getting off track. I feel like we're getting off track. I feel like we're getting off track. You gotta look at Bolton. All right, so what be it?

They're just trying to like show us that Daniel Baldwin is atheist and sad and weepy by himself in the dark and this Christian family is fun having monopoly together game night, whatever. And we also get a little nod to Donald Trump, I guess by accident, this is like a 2011 movie, but no, no Christmas with a capital C is from 2016, isn't? Yeah. Are you see? Oh, wow, that's 2011. Of course that they referenced Donald Trump there. 2011. I mean, it's from 2011. Okay. That's isn't that exactly what I said. I thought that was exactly what you said. Take it back. I'm going to sit exactly.

But so yeah, the scenes about to end and it's just like, all right, your turn, your role, Donald Trump. And I mean, he was in 2011, even then, he was already the guy who ruined Atlantic City. I feel like it was a bad reference either way. It's a game show host. It was a game show host who again, just destroyed that like realistic monopoly board at this, it would be like cardboard boxes instead of houses and hotels in Atlantic City. It's a terrifying place. Yeah, but it's weird. Now that he's president, I'm like, wait, did the Christians always think of

him as a politician? Did I miss it? Because I remember being like, isn't it funny that the game show? But now he's the president. Maybe he was always the president. Did I, did I dream Obama? Well, there were rumors of Trump running for president before this This wasn't the first is the first one that actually where you like materialize The first time he became president. Yeah, I caused the first Great can we get back to this Christian movie? Right, so the movie anyway dad, I don't know, the red go out to find. So they go out to find out just how much juke is there plotting and they think that maybe

Daniel Baldwin is actually not super rich because the little girl says she looked in the window and he didn't have any nice things. So they're going to fly in their plane. I assume New York City to go ask around about Daniel Baldwin. Yep, so we get the two brothers. We get Uncle Greg and Mayor Mitch flying together and Uncle Greg goes, would it kill you to let me be the pilot one time and Mitch? And this is a very reasonable thing. He's like, yeah, maybe because you're an insane person. You literally smashed your head on a table. When you got excited earlier, you ranted in a bubble.

You're a crazy person. Yes. That's fair. That's fair. Too much of your response. I have to pee. I wanted them to like pull over on the side of a highway and he's just helping the crazy uncle pee like he's fucking six year old. He pulls over in the sky and the uncle just

steps out of the plane and just peeing on a cloud. So they eventually land the plane safely, fortunately, and they go to this law firm where where Dave Baldwin used to work. We find out that Daniel Baldwin no longer works there. They put all his money in Bitcoin right before it crashed. Right. Somehow they walk in and they set up a meeting with some other guy at the law firm and the guy's like, yeah, I can't really tell you too much about it, but he did lose some money in a bad investment.

So let's just say he had a friend named Ernie Badoff, if you know what I mean. Yeah, maybe some like that. And also weird thing, the crazy uncle has a legal pad in front of him that he brought and also a large knife that he's opened up and put on the table. They're in a conference room of a fancy law firm and he's got an open knife on the table, like a hunter knife. He has like a crocodile done deep knife. It's just on the table, which means they missed the scene where they were talking to the

guy and that guy started to play the game with the guys on the boat in between his fingers. And he's like, hey, all right. Sure, let's talk about Daniel Baldwin. You see an aliens put your hand right on top. There you go. There you go. We're doing this. So the only other thing that happens here in this scene is this young lawyer who kind

of won't tell them anything about it except the thing with the bad investment, he says Dan Neballman's home, he's working here, and he takes out a huge lot of cash that was apparently just like sitting in his, like, 10 grand in $100 bills, just sitting in his wallet and tells Uncle Greg and mayor Mitch to give this to Daniel Baldwin because he probably needs it because he's probably poor now. Right. And he gives him this giant stack of money and he's like, hey, when you see him, give this

money, tell him it's for the Coke. And because, uh, so he has about 12 seconds plot, it's time to sum up that scene in the next scene. Right. There he's basically telling his wife the Daniel Baldwin is broken and It's all bad and then he's like oh or we could run him out of town on a rail and she's like oh you silly goose you wanting to Victimize the man who came here with nothing and just asked you to obey the law and

then nothing and just asked you to obey the law. And then the kid walks in Cody and he's asking dad. He wants to talk about his heterosexual feelings for the opposite sex. Yeah. And it's hilarious because he's like, I don't know. There's this girl and she's always trying to beat me. But then she's a girl. So she can't, she can't ski as good as me, obviously. And I blamed myself. And then the plot of the movie happened. Let me know. And then she's a girl. So she can't, she can't ski as good as me, obviously. And I blamed myself and then the plot of the movie happened. Let me know. And then Uncle did a play.

Just tell me when we're at 50 minutes, because that's about how long we need the movie to be. And he's like, uh, son, let me stop you right there. Not the race she wants. It's your dick. That's your dick. Yes. So what would they teach you in sex ed at school?

Oh, they taught me literally nothing. Okay, good, good, good. So I'll teach you about what's going on with this girl. And it's, yeah, it's extremely sexist. Basically, dad's like, well, she's just a girl. And you know, you know, the way her vagina slows down her skiing, it's a lot like that with the brain. It's pretty much the same thing.

It's the wind resistance from the flappy. It's just, it's very in the way of the freaks of it. Also, is she hot? I'm an adult. Yeah. Because otherwise scratch everything I said. She is okay. Okay.

Okay. Cool. You can win her. So, yeah, win her in the race. The, oh God, the cross country skiing race that we've been setting up this whole time. Boo. So now it's time for the race. I want Mitch to come in and ruin the race because the kid prays he wins beforehand. He's just like, no, praise shoots the kid in the back of the head. The coach starts to pray with the skiers and Mitch just like repels down a rope with

the right police. Yep. So we get a cross country skiing race now for a while. I use to watch the scene. I refuse. It was no, it was really rough. It was really, really bad. Oh, did they ski?

Did they cross country ski? They, they, they, it's walking with big sticks on your feet on flat land essentially. I mean, I know in real cross country skiing, there's some downhill parts kind of not very a lot, but yes, there's some. No, no, no, no, don't you do that. A apologetic shit. Because everyone does that when they have a lame sport, they're like, yeah, let me see, you score a 12, dounk to dunk in curling. And I'm like, it's still dumb. Okay. You can be bad at something that you're good at.

And it's still dumb. Still a sport that's basically the same as like the major sport of Florida retirement homes. Let's, let's be realistic. So yeah, we, we actually watch a very long cross country skiing race. The editing is really, really rough. They, the two lead characters, Sienna and Cody actually can't ski at all. They can't even cross country ski at all. No, they cannot. It's just a bunch of extras, clearly from Alaska, who can actually ski, but then occasionally a shot of like, go to your CNN's head. And they're just like, it's just his face passing the same cactus over and over.

It's so bad. So I wanted the bear from ski free to come out and like eat one of the other skiers. Yeah, if I were to describe the camera work of this scene, it would be buffering. Yeah, Pretty much. So we get after maybe, I don't know, a half an hour of this, the finish to this race and Sienna wins by a little bit, Cody comes in second.

Yeah, whatever, whatever. And never matters. That doesn't have any effect on the rest of the movie. That's just over now. Like everything else in this movie, that's just over now. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So now it's time for the Christmas pageant. Oh, this this is fun. Right. And this is the craziest thing. First of all, the in the Christmas pageant, they're all sitting in what is very clearly a church and they are all holding open flames. Yeah, every single one of them is a candle. This is extremely dangerous.

There's no way they're not burning themselves. But we're also getting a cross cut with Daniel Baldwin, be it all, depressing and sad. And he's on his little couch, he's eating like sadness, brand sadness crackers in the dark. And it's really terrible. It's like a commercial for like French atheism, Cologne and he's smoking a cigarette and he's naked and shiver a it's really weird. So he's all sad and the mayor dad is realizing or remembering that he didn't give him his

money out of spite. So he gets up and walks out of his daughter's play to go make up with Daniel Baldwin. And I just wrote in my notes, good. Walk out of your daughter's play more blow jobs for me in six years. In six years, however many years you need me to say for this kid, we need to say more than six years. Six, two years. All right.

So he leaves. Yeah, and he goes to give Baldwin the money. And this is kind of how they're going to wrap this whole thing with a little lesson here at Baldwin's house. It's, I don't even understand. what was what was supposed to be the left. I don't even know what they're trying to say. I have no idea they come and they're just like, Hey, the whole town is here. And then the little girl sings a Jesus song at him.

I wanted so badly for him to just belt her in the face with a snowball. I would buy a thousand DVDs of this movie if he had just like hit her in the throat with a snowball and been like still an atheist. Thank you for the cookies. He just grabs the cookies and runs back inside. Right. But yeah, the whole town shows up and they all were super duper nice to him in the hopes that he would switch religions.

I don't get this. So they invited the entire town to witness the humiliation of exposing the fact that he got fired from his law firm and has no more money and he lives on a couch with no furniture else besides that and can't even afford electricity. It makes no sense. And the whole town shows up, they have wrapped presents for him. They're all for him. I feel like this would have taken plan. And it makes no sense. It's very

obvious they got to this point in the script. And they were like, yeah, the town shows up for them. That's that fun. Oh, times. But yeah, they all, I wanted them to Daniel Baldwin just like tearing open transformers gifts from like boys for dots bins squealing No, it's not But they all go inside the whole town or a whole bunch of everybody was at the page and goes inside and somebody strung up Christmas lights within seconds and also turned all the electricity back on and they have a little Christmas not Christmas Christmas party for the angry sad atheists. Yep, and and now it's time for the

Wrap-up of this movie, which is them setting up the nativity scene in a park now he's seen in a park now. He shows up, Daniel Baldwin drives up and Uncle Greg and Mayor Mitch, they're putting all the really, again, I can't emphasize this enough, extremely ugly statues that make up this activity scene. And they've got the proper permits to put it in a park and technically would have to allow a Muslim guy to put up a Muslim thing, but absolutely they would murder the guy if he tried to put up a Muslim thing. Right. Exactly. And Daniel Baldwin has come because he's dropped his complaint. So they can enforce religion through the cookies. It's so lazy. He's just like, here's two pieces of paper with that resolves all the comics in the movie. It's done. It's over. And there we go.

Right. And again, he brings the paper over and Uncle Greg, like he can't hear him goes, I refuse to be ashamed of Jesus Jesus and Daniel Baldwin's just like, yeah, that wasn't the point of what I was doing or this. This is the end of the movie, so just gonna nod. And then we get a little bit of credits and then we get literally the worst thing I've ever seen perhaps. Well, we learned that this movie, right? Is the grand start? We learned that this movie was based on the hit song by GoFish, which you all need to go listen to,

because it is a hip hop music version of Uncle Greg's rant. It's like, I was going to a Christmas song. And she said to me, happy holidays, have a happy holiday. And I was like fuck you you Jewish bitch It's the best they based the movie on that song They did that's the title of song is Christmas with a See and they definitely made that they admit that they made the moon this movie is based on that song and it's terrible that they made the moon this movie is based on that song and it's terrible. Yeah, but even more terrible is what comes next after we get a little bit of credits. Oh yeah.

Terrible fucking song. We get Brad Stein is his name. The guy plays Uncle Greg. He is a stand up comedian. He's really in real life, a stand-up comedian. And he was on the apostles of comedy thing that was like, we're just on that platoon, we should totally do it. Yeah, I, you were one step ahead of me, Eli Bosnik, yes, we got to be on the docket. It is terrible. And he's, it's, he's that guy like, like, you're already describing a little bit. He's that like,, he's he's the funny guy And he's it's just all Making faces and swinging his arm like the bit would be the same with or without audio. It's just him cross

They picks up his mic stand and he made it's a dick look my mic stands a dick. No, it's not a dick It's not he this is this guy has not reached the level of my Mike stands the dick now And in fact it was a witch's broom. He was making fun of witches Yeah, I actually went and watched some of his standup. I don't know why I wanted to hurt myself. It was Oh amazing All right, well with Apostles of comedy officially on the docket for one of the upcoming God off movies, that's going to do it for a review of Christmas with a capital C, but that's not going to do it for the

episode just yet, because we still need to tell you about next week's Daniel Baldwin. We've got one. So tell us, Eli, what is on deck? We don't have next what do you mean next week's Daniel Baldwin? I mean the equivalent we have somebody else who a name that could be instead we would say this week's Daniel Baldwin is next to an analogy. What's happening? What? What's happening? Damn the island what's going on rescue rescue line? Rescue line Christmas God It makes sense All right, well, that's gonna do it for this week, but next week, like you

go for it, Chris, with the cap, I see I say this part. Daniel Baldwin, next week, this is an allergy. What's the next Eli? Daniel Baldwin's not in next week movie. No, he's not. I feel like I was confusing. All right. I see what you're saying. No longer no set of construct sentences. This is going badly. This is much better at this job than I am. God. Christmas gone viral. Ray comfort bothers people on the street to tell them that Jesus is the reason for Christmas. It's amazing.

Much like Daniel Baldwin. Much thank you. Much like Daniel Baldwin. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha plans. So with all that look forward to we're going to bring episode 121 to a merciful close. Once again a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you'd like to account yourself among their ranks you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to every episode. We also apologize for all the shenanigans that may or may not be happening with with Patreon. Hopefully that gets saved. Thank you,

verse. Thank you. Thank you. If you need to stop supporting opening arguments, that's eight times a week or whatever. Cut that show, right? They're fine. They don't need the money. There's three of us. Okay. you can also help us out of town, but maybe there's a five star review on iTunes. And by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms, any of you enjoyed the show. Be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Skaving Atheist, the Skeptocrat, and Citation Needed available on iTunes,

Stitcher, or wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off the's at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law. This is a Pientritor as who we just told you to stop listening to his show. No, let's give him any money. Give us his money.

Give us his money is what we're saying. Our team's song was written in perform by Ryan Slotick of Evil Drafts on Mars. One guy, one guy, another band. Mars. One guy. The music was one guy, another band. It's one guy. It's a band. There's other people in it.

It's Evil D- Got, all right. Doesn't matter. It was written in performed. All the other, you ruin it. I fucking this all up. All other music was written in performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark.

And also was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for no illusions and Eli Bosnick. I'm Ethan Wright promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close. Noah had to be wrapped in blankets like a cat having its nails cut to have him take a week off. Be blessed! him take a week off. He likes it. And we really, really promise to have him back as soon as possible, I apologize. You like it, little boy. He's gone.

I'm only gonna message me and you're like, you, we can, we can, wild and free. We can say the stuff he doesn't let us. Yeah, that person, that person is. No, please come back soon. Please don't include the racial slurrogens. I'm gonna need you to beep that out. I like how you added that you don't like the chicken drink. I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like,

I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna need you to beep that out. I like how you added that you don't like the chicken track. I wonder if we're allowed to do that. You're absolutely just said okay. Yeah. and it's... UGH! BOO!

Gross! The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved.