God Awful Movies - 123: Miracle of 34th Street

Episode Date: December 26, 2017

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah offer up an atheist review of Miracle on 34th Street; a beloved and charming film that is among the most acclaimed holiday movies of all time. But Eli insisted we make fun of it anyway. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And the guys like so wow that's quite a bit of money Chris what are you gonna do with it because I'm gonna buy an X-ray machine for a local children's hospital and I did this crazy moment where I was like Imagine a hospital without an X-ray Like what it that's just a placement slightly spaced out beds, right? I mean don don't even be wrong. When Noah's kid X-ray machines were just like dipping people in uranium and waiting until they were see-through, but it's still a weird thought. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be back. Thanks Noah. You know, who definitely did not get murdered by Christopher walking on a boat, Natalie Wood.

That'll make sense in a minute or maybe I won't or maybe it'll make sense in like an hour and a half. I heard a lawyer eventually. Six years ago to deal with that. Yeah, right. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Christmas back to Hector. Yeah. Yeah. This will come out the day after Christmas.

So I had to watch a fucking Christmas Eve movie, even though we could have got away with a New Year's movie or something. Anyway, yeah. So tell us, Heath, what Christmas movie will we be breaking down today? We watched Miracle on 34th Street. It's the story of what happens when the court system rules that paranoid delusions are legal reality. It's Riffra the movie.

They tried to ward us damn it. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love your skits of frantic uncle and you wish everyone would get off his case about saying he's Jesus, then you will love this movie. Yeah, okay. So now I have to admit, I have actually never seen this movie before. And when Eli suggested it, I was a little nervous because mostly I'm aware of it from all the best of all time type lists that it shows up on. So Eli, why did you select Miracle on 34th Street as a God awful movie?

So here's the thing. I watched this when I was much, much younger and then I watched it again recently and I always use this as an example of like the, we would never do miracle on 34 street because it's a heartwarming tale about an old man who likes to play santa and the grumpy people trying to bring him down. No, no, no, no, it is about a series of adults legally agreeing that a schizophrenic is Santa Claus. It really is, it's way more insidious that I thought it was going to be with that kind of shit. I thought we were going to clearly establish. Yeah, well, we'll get into all of that. But first, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the

best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to say best worst New York accents. Oh, my God, maybe my walking just now, but I'm worse New York. Everyone sounds like they're describing their plan for a bank robbery at all times. See? So, all right, I don't want to be a contrarian to all the stuff that Eli just said, but I'm going to give this the best worst movie selection. Now, this all internally, this all falls on Eli's shoulders. It's his job to pick out the movies and he comes up with some, you know, themes and stuff like that.

So I don't want to heap too much shit on him right before Christmas, but this is a delightful little film. I'm going to make fun of it for an hour because that's my fucking job. But I want you to know that I'm going to die a little inside during this episode because of it. This is a charming little movie. Okay. The touching of other people's children. Yeah. Yeah. That excludes this movie from delightful. It excludes it from delightful. The amount of time full grown adults spend with children that are not there is automatically kicks this off any kind of heartwarming metric we could ask for. And so on that note, best worst touching of other people's kids, there is a lot of touching of other people's kids.

There is. Yeah, you can kind of see how the priests were getting away with it so easy back then. They're like, fuck, they're basically just asking us to. All right. Well, that sounds bad. That sounds bad. Anyway, so nobody clipped that anyway. Anytime we have a movie that heavily features a seven year old girl, I have to come over.

Eli's notes pretty thoroughly. So we're going to pause for a quick break and when we come back, we'll dive into all the triggers for Ebenezer Bosnick that are Miracle on 34th Street. Well, now, Chris, you've been given quite a bit of money. What are you going to do with it? I'm going to give it to my friend who's a doctor. He needs a new bed for his hospital, you see. Ah, yes, that doctor friend of yours.

At the children's hospital, right? Indeed, indeed. Would you like to meet him? Ah, yes, he here. Yes, he is. Say hello, doctor. That's a cat. Are you talking about the cat? Oh, no, my friend. This is the foremost surgeon in the land.

Doctor Vesuvius Patan. Right. You're a crazy person. Forget. What'd you do with the X-ray machine, seriously? Oh, Dr. Pepper and I are looking for where Jesus hid messages in my bones. Okay. Meow. That's right, Dr. Pepper, they did.

Meow. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're gonna start this off by remembering how cheap look and movie logos used to be.

Specifically the one for 20th century Fox. A paper cut out with two other papers like being moved in front of them. Right. Yeah, I looked at it and I'm like, Oh, I remember that century. Back when credits came before the movie. Yeah, Jesus. We should acknowledge that like this movie starts with like, all right. Now relax. There's going to be moving pictures.

But don't you worry, they're not coming for you. The promise it's not the devil. Yeah, it's quite a bit of that. So we're dropping in behind a gentleman walking on the New York streets and we're going to watch him walk for an absurdly long time. Yeah. And apparently there's a symphony orchestra marching right behind the old man just out of frame. Very distracting. And then they went away when he started talking. Well, right. Yeah, obviously or just quieted down and we're still there. Um, the great thing is that over there. Oh, sorry, sorry. You go. You've been trying to

keep trying to the window to this guy. So, okay. Yeah. And speaking of talking through the window, he, he happens by a window display where it appeared to me. A guy was jerking off the tiny little reindeer in the display, but apparently he was just setting them up. Now we learn at this moment that, oh goodness, this is Santa. And these reindeer have been displayed incorrectly. Yeah. I wanted so badly for him to look up from his reindeer ranging and Santa's just slowly jacking it. Don't stop. I need this once a year. Well, here's what you do.

If the store guy pretends to be a mirror image for a few seconds, that crazy guy goes away. Oh, that's right. You've jerkin off. Because that's shit. What's that? Speaking from experience, I've been on both sides of that glass before. Goes away.

Goes away. Or you go away. But in city goes, well, I'm sorry, my man, you're making a rather serious mistake. And I wanted him so badly to be like, where are the dicks? They need giants. We can do it. My boy, reindeer, you know, yeah, he's giving a lecture to the guy about the details of the reindeer as if he's literally Santa Claus. Yeah. It's like a man dressed as a stork bursting in on a woman giving birth and harassing the doctor. You do it, Roman.

He's trying to eat the baby and like take it in his mouth. No, man, what you can go, you have to go right and then him winning. We'll get there. We'll get there. Yeah. But before we do, we've got it. We're going to go over to the macy's parade. So we've established that this old man is We're going to go over to the Macy's parade. So we've

established that this old man is very into reindeer and needs it to, um, to ejaculate or something. Um, but then we're going to head back over to Macy's and my note on this scene is simply, uh, back when they couldn't think of a better way to establish the next shot than to do a close up of a newspaper with the name of the next scene on it. That seems so fucking lazy by modern standards. They just open a newspaper and says, Macy's parade for Thanksgiving. Coming next scene. Rayshers next scene go.

Yeah, right. And man, how shitty were parades when no was a kid? It's balloons were somehow worse? How did balloons? Yeah, right 1940s balloons terrible. You never heard about that right between 1947 and now no one's really said, you know, like help the balloon technology has come a long way. Guys, but it has another question for you Noah.

Why did everyone dress like a detective with a dark secret in their past? Oh, seven. Well, that's two votes for that. And again, this parade has nothing. There are no floats. It's just people standing. There's like a car in the center of the road and everyone's like, that's one of those new automobiles.

Yeah. Oh, my God. And this is going to be actual. There's a huge part of this. It's the parade. This is actual footage of the Macy's parade from 1946. So like those huge crowds that you see, those are actually people coming out to see that lame ass fucking parade. But before we actually get to the parade proper, we get some backstage stuff. We meet Doris here. She's going to be our main character. We also see Santa come across the Santa that was correcting the reindeer come across the guy who's dressing

as Santa from the parade. And wouldn't you know it? Fake float Santa is hitting the bottle. Also the background, the Holocaust was going on while this movie was being filmed. So just like, well, comparing contrast allegedly, it was over. Yeah. No, it was not over by then. It was not over 47. 46 when they were filming us. Okay. Um, yeah. So, but this, but this guy, this old guy's moving on the Holocaust portion of the miracle, 30-minute, Holocaust. I'm just saying, like, let's get the years right. Otherwise, it takes away from the credibility. The whole thing you're trying to claim is happening. Jesus. You just want to test the bricks again. I just want to test the bricks again.

Yeah. As soon as I found out we were doing miracle on 34th Street, I had a countdown in my head. How long before it is, turns into Holocaust jokes, right? I run for president in France. Yeah. So anyway, so he gives this guy some advice that the, the, the, whatever crazy guy real Santa gives fake Santa some advice on how to crack his whip. It's bad advice. By the way, I have cracked the whip. It is not at all like throwing a ball. You know, there's no fucking idea how to crack the whip.

I would be like throwing a ball. Right. They know you hold on to it. First of all, but it's the back. It's when you pull back. There's no back pulling and throwing a ball. Anyway, yeah. I want to show so badly to be like, it's like throwing a ball and he just throws the land of the whip to the ground. I'm a fucking crazy person. That's what this movie's about. I don't know how to crack a whip because I'm a crazy person and that's a

real skill. Well, and just to endure himself to everybody that has ever worked in retail, when he realizes that this isn't a very good Santa, his response is, let me speak to the manager. Yeah, right. What a dick. So he runs around. He's looking for the person who runs the whole show. And I only, I only mentioned that scene because he comes by and he asks this toy soldier check where, where the boss is. And her only that that's the only thing that she does in

the movie is direct him, but she's crazy fucking hot. And the whole time I'm like, she's 92. Like this is a 92 year old lady whose picture I'm looking at going, man, she's crazy fucking hot. Anyway, so he happens across Doris who is the boss, the one who's putting the parade together. And he says, Hey, your Santa's drunk. Um, I'm going to hit with a stick, if you don't mind. Yep. He runs a lot of violence in this film. Yes, he does. Yes, he does. But this is all to set up that, you know, Oh, no, James Hetfield hurt his hand. If only someone in the audience knew the solo for enter Sandman. A kind of moment. Um, and so she's like, well, you sure you have a long gray beard.

Would you like to be Santa? And he's like, Oh, I told I think, but the children went, okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. Damn it. But he has this all like, I swore I'd never be sent to again. Kind of a, it would hold me back. I wanted a flashback to him giving an L CPR on like in the desert somewhere. Come on, sprinkles. You're son of a bitch. The big birds come and sprinkles. The big birds

come. My notes are full of Santa flashbacks. I just get blown up napalm everywhere. So yeah. Okay. So then they he agrees to be said of these strip drunk Santa in the street. I love the idea that some kid is watching that happen. And so now he's all sanded up and he, they can start the parade. And I think all of us have about 35 notes here about how shitty this parade is. It's so terrible. And we're like, look at that paper, Masha, by shares of United paper, is it crushing it in that accent? Yeah, exactly. I wrote my notes. I'm like, why did parades survive into the modern day if they started this shitty? Right. Why would we keep doing it? Anyway, okay. So then Doris is, is, is

she's done. Her job is done. The parades underway. So she's about to leave, but the boss drives up in his, let's say, car. Well, in the sidecar of a moment, I just like mid sentence, he's already talking and he flies up in this ridiculous little like Lego thing. He's got a chauffeur, but he can't afford a fucking entire car with doors. I don't know what's happening. And what's her name? Doris. Yeah.

She's just like, all right, two things. One, please step out of that ridiculous vehicle to talk to me too. You were like five feet away. Why drive up to me? Like just start talking from where you work, clearly. Come on. Yeah, I also love the, there's a, there's a comedy beat here where like, because she took the bottle of liquor from the drunken Santa and he sees her with that bottle. And there's like this whole like what kind of proper lady would possess alcohol in the day in a kind of moment. And he's like, Hey, baby, no stroller.

Let me get a cigar from you. Yeah, right. Right. Don't drink. Oh my God, there was so much smoking in this fucking movie indeed. And, hey, look, just no wonder we all had a world war because dying was so much better than these parades. That's all I have to say. No, shit. All right. So parade lady goes home. She doesn't want to see the damn parade. She's already worked

on it. Plenty. And this is where we learn apropos of nothing and I will never return that she has a house Negro. She does. She's got a pet black very, very literally. It's very upsetting. She's like, hello, black woman. Thank you for preparing how funny your legs are shackled just like that turkey that you're making right now. It's the weirdest fucking thing she comes into her apartment. She's like, oh, Susan, Susan, she opens the door and there's this black lady just slaving away and shit. And she's like, oh, hi, person will never see in this film again. You're a servant. Yep. I will only be here to get yelled at twice and then vamp. Yeah, exactly. So she says, um, so I'm only allowed in Manhattan during

the lighted out. I fucked up. But Susan informs her that her daughter, which is who she's looking for, she's not looking for Susan, informs her that her daughter is hanging out with a stranger. Yeah, so I was not to confuse people, the woman that she's talking, do never gets a name. Susan is her daughter. But yeah.

She's daughter and okay. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, she's like, where's my daughter? She's like, oh, there's that man downstairs that's very fond of your daughter. I left her with him. Is that what happened? That in this fucking movie.

So this child will be left with like 98% strangers. Yes. Yeah, all of them middle aged or older men. So, yeah, so now we cut down there where the daughter and Humbert Humbert are fucking watching the parade out his window. And we get, and this, we're going to go back to this well about 400 times, but we get that this is Mr. Galea's the name of the character. And he's trying to convince the little girl that there used to be giants that roamed the world. And she's like, no, I'm not buying your biblical bullshit. Yeah. And this is played by Natalie Wood.

She is the great, she's the most adorable skeptic ever throughout this movie. I fucking love her. Honestly, instead of like David Silverman being all, we need little kids like this doing the speeches at Reason Railway. Right. The easiest dude starts talking to even atheists are like, okay, nerd, boo, boring, boring, cute little girl. People be like, all right. Atheist dude starts out, even atheists are like, okay, nerd, boo, boring, boring, cute little girl. People be like, all right. Oh, this riff for thing does sound stupid. That's a good point, little girl.

Right. Also, we just went out that Natalie Woods character will, we'll go back and forth between skeptic and badly disguised alien, right? Because you'd be like, well, I don't believe in giants. Those are pretend stories. What's an imagination? You're like, okay, one of those is an English word and you're fluent in language. So the other, yeah, and this movie tries to, the whole point of this film is to draw a line, a direct line between rationality and cynicism, right? You can't be rational and

not be a cynic is sort of the message of this film. I also want to point out, okay, so the mom shows up, you know, and he's like, she's like, hi, I'm Susan's mother. And Mr. Galey is like, hi, I'm so stranger smoking a pipe in front of a closed window with her, because it's the forties. And we just don't give a fuck. She survived the lead paint, didn't she? But I want to point out that at this point, we learned that Susan's mother, Doris, is a divorcee. And that is very unusual for a movie in the forties that if they needed to write out the husband character or the father character, rather, they would make him dead.

They'd make her a widow in almost every instance. You look at look at even the Brady bunch, right? No, no divorcees in that show. But that, like I said, it was hugely progressive for the time. So much so that this movie actually was given a lower rating because of that from the Legion of Deciency. Legion of Deciency. That's a ridiculous thing to exist. Meanwhile at the legion of decent. All right, I'm going to bring this up again and I don't want to get yelled at. We can see Superman's dick through it. It's weird. All right. I

don't that's the new business. That's the old business. It's very clear. He's so concise. I don't know how that happened. They did it before they put them in the pod All right, what about Joe Campbell? He is a dick his face is a dick. It's made of a dick. We're cool That's the only problem though. We have no problem with using a cartoon character to sell cigarettes to children at this point It's the forties for digestion. Yeah. So, so this, so mom comes in for a coffee and this is where Mr. Galey basically just kind of admits, yeah, you know, I've just been buttering up your daughter because I thought you had a nice ass. I didn't see like you were getting any dick. So I thought I would insert myself literally and figuratively. Fair. If you want to meet a single mom, you like take her kid away to a different area.

They'll talk to you and I'll even ask you who you are too. Like it's kind of like an exchange numbers situation. Oh my god, get away from my kid. Who are you? And you're just like, look me up on Facebook. It's fun. There's a fun little moment where Fred comes in with the coffee and he's like, oh, we want cream and sugar. And I want to hear it be like, uh, separate but equal. Right. Two right. Titiba, right. Titiba, right?

We have a good time. This is 1947. This is, it was separate but equals the rule at this point. Yeah. No shit. Um, for seven more years. Right. Yeah. So it's a shameful history. And we'll see so much of that at this point. Yeah, no shit. Um, yeah. Seven more years. Right. Yeah. So it's a shameful history. And we'll see so much of that in this movie. Um, so now I want to point out too that this guy who's trying to get in in mom's pants, the way he introduces himself is basically, yeah, hi, I'm Mr. Galey, I take your daughter on dates now. And again,

why don't you teach her about bullshit? You're a terrible parent. Yep. And then mom just gives all these great arguments for not teaching kids shit like Santa Claus and magic and fairy tales. Yeah. And he's like, well, that, that seems like you need to get hit. I don't really know. Talking. Don't answer. So, so they go to leave.

And I just wrote my notes. If this lady tells him God is dead, I will jerk off so hard to this movie. So hard. Okay, let's not pretend the if was the all right. All right. So they go to leave to Santa and you want to ask her for that performance. So they go to leave and the little girl turns to mom and says, Mom, we have so much extra turkey for Christmas Thanksgiving dinner. Why don't we invite Mr. Galey and then she's like, Oh, I don't know. And the kid and the, and Mr. Galey are like

winking at each other, right? Like, yeah, just like we planned little snitch. Yeah. And then eventually mom concedes and she says, and this is weird. Okay. Dinner's at three. What? What? Is there at three when you were a kid? No, first of all, I was a kid in 1940, fucking seven. My dad wasn't even born in 19. But no, no, that's lunch. That was always been lunch. What was it Thanksgiving? I've had Thanksgiving. Yeah, you know, it's the third. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. Yeah, exactly. Your lines are still playing. Yeah. No, exactly. No, yeah. Half time for the

early. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Actually, okay. Yeah. So I wrote this draw. There's just another way in which this movie is accurate and charming. What was not charming is when the girls leaving at the end of the scene and this guy that she just, he slaps her on the ass. It's really, really, like she made a nice open field tackle. Yeah. Slaps her on the ass. Yeah. Again, the strange men touching this girl is running the theme.

And also can we stop for a second and and and appreciate the sexism of this time where like they do this whole, you know, the daughter in those, uh, uh, uh, Mr. Gailier, like, yeah, yeah. No, thanks for helping me. Fuck your mom, you know, like he's gonna woofy her to a laugh track before this movie is over. That's the way this scene plays. Yeah, she gives it away towards the end. She's like, did I do it right, Mr. Daily? And he's like, oh, you little snitch. This is why someone's gonna kill you on a boat.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Christopher Woken. So, okay, getting back to the parade now. Legitly. Yeah, thanks. Legitly. So, boss man has to call Doris to tell everybody,

is it tell her how much everyone loves her last minute Santa substitution. And then we cut to the end of the parade. Now this is a real shot, right? It's not like they CGI this crowd. And I point that out because there is a papal funeral's worth of people in the street to see Santa here. full funeral's worth of people in the street to see Santa here. There are 800 million people crowded around to see Santa because it's the forties and there is literally nothing else to do besides Donald and Gregor. He's given like the water speech from Mad Max. It's ridiculous. Yeah.

And again, that's a real shot. Like this actor actually did go and do that in 1946, so they can get this shot. All right. So now they've decided that they're going to hire this guy to be their Santa for the whole season. And there's this scene that is so much more meaningful for the three people on this call that it's going to be for any of the listeners. We've cut to Macy's. He's in the locker room. It's his first day. He's putting on his Santa suit. He's in character. And all three of us worked at F.A.O. Schwartz, right? So we

have all been in that locker room with the Santa guy who's taking this shit way too seriously and still thinks he's an actor. He's singing to an elf. He's fucking oh my god. And then he gets into a fist fight with your closeted gauge of hopeless witness manager. But you have to do a really good job of pretending that's not the funniest thing you've ever seen.

So I was. I was thinking in life. I was just thinking in broad generalization. So that kind of person. But yeah, we can get we're not going to talk about the fact that that was us for our job, got in a fist fight with our crazy gay closet manager. And we all just stood there. No one stopped it.

We all just like watched a fight happen for seven minutes and then walked back onto the stand and sold magic drawing boards because that's how I lived my life. I walked back onto the stand and sold magic drawing boards, because that's how I lived my life. I have no memory of that incident somewhere on world star, Gary and so now it's time to meet Jimmy Olson, the little janitor kid, the chubby little janitor kid. And boy, gee, he thinks Santa's outfit is just swell. All right. My own bias, some radical vulnerability here. I didn't understand white janitor. So I spent a full minute in this scene being like, why is that guy sweeping?

What Italian was black in 1947. What was Italian? Black. I said that. Yeah. No, what was the town? I mean, what was black? Yeah. Well, yeah. No, that was like Armenian, separate, but equal. Um, so, okay. Now boss man has to show up. This is Mr. uh, Mr. Shell Hammer, right? This is the guy he's the head of the toy department. He's coming in to give Santa some instructions on how to be a good Santa. And he's like, Hey, look, man, here's what we're overstocked on. If the kids don't know what they want, sell them the, uh, thumblights and the magic drawing boards. He, he, he, it's just disgusted by all this commercialism. How dare he suggest that he suggested kids, but want the toys that they're in the start of by the way they commercialized Christmas said the man based on a coke commercial and

a rich guy who hits someone at a people conference. That's the history of saying more or less, more or less. So, all right, so we heads out to the throne to be super, super touchy with the kids. And we get this, we get like the first kid sitting down with Santa. And this kid is just fucking reading the periodic table phonetically. What the fuck did he say? Was it? It's like, he said like,

Defriana. Like, I know. He's like, I'm not gonna. Okay, Defriana is the perfect description of that voice. So everything I'm gonna say, he's a combination of New York accent and old timey voice. So he's just like,

Well, God, man, I want me. God. So he's just like, Yeah, I'm looking down at Eli's notes and he's like, oh, this kid wants a fire engine. I'm like, how the fuck do you know that? But that's what the kid tells him. He says said I want a fire engine and mom's like, hey, Sienna I guess you probably can't do that. So no fucking store seems to have that. And I've been looking for it all day. Huh? He probably wants something else. And it's like, no, no, I'll get you.

Now get your fire engine. No, my boy, they have it over it. Jeweling tens. Businesses still have Jewish names after. There's a thing going on right now. Well, sorry, there's a thing wrapping up right now that's going to make us all change our names. Don't want to get over exaggerated, but you know, There's a thing wrapping up right now that's gonna make us all change our names Don't want to get over exaggerated, but you know

It's a couple of camps still open, but for the most part it's done the solutions Don't want to exaggerate don't want to get shit on by future podcast But yeah, this is before all Jewish businesses were like ooh people don't like to buy from Jews So it's like everything that isn't macy's is like gimbals, schwoite nicks, rising bugs. I feel like people figured that out at varying times through history. I feel like back in, back in Shakespeare's day, I think people think figured that out as well. All right.

So boss man is coming in to see how Santa's do it. He's even dropping on him. And he overhears Santa recommending that the kid go to gimbals because their skates are even better than the skates they have at Macy's. Well, you're not getting good hockey skates at any of those places. That's ridiculous. No, absolutely not. Not at all. But so he's just about to like storm off and get this guy fired. But just then the lady with the fire truck thing stops him and he says, Hey, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you, Sanny. He's the greatest thing since sliced bread. If it had been appropriate, I would have sucked him his dick on the spot. He told me where to get a fire engine. And he's like, hmm, maybe this is, you know, being nice to our customers

might just work after all, you know, as that moment, she literally follows him around to be like, I see it a compliment you. I'm going to shop at Macy's Ferreira. Yeah. Yeah. Betty Boop, elderly Betty Boop is there. Anyway, also what you say about sliced bread, because I just shut myself with excitement. We ain't got none of that.

I'm just kidding. She shatters up with Rick. So anyway, now we're going to cut to Humbert Humbert. He's taken little Susan to see Santa. They're on another date. Again, why is this adult one hanging out with a child to so committed to her believing in Santa? Yeah, right. But again, we get her being adorably skeptical. It's the greatest. She's just like staring at him and hang root like Like she's glaring at the cashier. It doesn't know what to do with the $11 you handed him Just make the change what the fuck does she's so mad? It's the greatest. I love Natalie Wooden this movie. Yeah. And so she, he, she's like, I don't believe in Santa.

This is stupid. He's like, well, you know, I'm the grown up and I'm a man. So I'm going to tell you what to do. Takes her up to Santa. And Santa is like, hmm, don't believe me, huh? Well, I know how to handle kids who don't believe in me. Just want to point out if this was a truly Christian movie, the answer would be plagues. Locust, just death of firstborns, etc. But Natalie, it's like, all right, well, my mom hired your ass, you sweaty mascot bitch. But she's the crazy. You know who I am.

But instead the way he convinces her is that he has a beard and that seems to kind of do it. She's like, shit, if you've got a beard, you must be fucking Santa Claus. Yeah, well, she's still a first level skeptic, but yeah, did real beards not exist in 1947? I don't understand this part of the movie. Well, apparently not because he was wearing a fake beard for this film. That actually was a fake beard. So yeah, but mom sees it at this point and she's like, Oh, God, damn it. I was just very specific with this stranger who wants to date my seven year old that not to tell her lies in here.

He is lying to her. So she like storms him off to say, Hey, look, you know, let me raise my kid the way I want to raise my kid. You're just the guy who lives down the street and looks at her butt in a very disturbing manner. And he's the good guy. Like so like the movie would have you believe that the strange man who took an interest in suddenly raising this child in a way other than the mom wanted is the good guy. Yeah. The the message here is very much geez. these women and they're not wanting to join your cult. Yeah.

Don't teach her about she's going to end like she's going to learn math, she's going to get mouthy, she's going to end up divorced. You can't, can't do that. Weed you in a decent, he's going to be pissed. She's just start giving sex tips to you about how to fuck me. It's real, she'll get way too serious of a character. She does this whole weird projection thing where she's like, if she believes in Santa really she'll get way too serious of a character. She does this whole weird projection thing where she's like if she believes in Santa, she'll start believing that all things are happy, dappy, and she'll find some guy and she'll blow him in a club bathroom and she'll

think it's really empowering, but then afterwards she'll be really gross about it and she'll share cat person on Facebook, but really she'll know that they're more complicated story than she wants to believe. Don't teach my kid about Santa. So and then we have to cut back to Santa for just a minute so that we can have one of these head scratching. Well, maybe he really is Santa moments because this woman says, I'm just like, Hey, you know, I brought a Dutch orphanie out of the day. It doesn't speak a word in English, but she wanted to come and see as she was convinced that you'd speak Dutch because you're Santa Claus. And of course,

he speaks Dutch, such a sweet scene. Fuck you, Eli. You're making fun of Dutch orphans and making me do the same. Such a sweet scene. It's a weird moment too. She's like, yeah, she's an orphan. She's an Holland orphan, you know, because the thing. It's almost it's almost over by the way. Like I don't want to make a big deal. I just know for the like that's that's a wrap up. Don't don't ask about her diary. That's just do the song or whatever you're going to do.

What the girl very excitedly starts to speak to him and Dutch. And I was like, oh, she is explaining the Jewish question. There's no question. And then they sing the world's creepiest fucking song, which no question summons a demon or haunts a doll or some shit. Five don't don't or Santa Claus. Five If I start to Shit in my room started to wake up So now we're gonna head home where where mom has just Exasperated from all the brain on washing she's had to do since this asshole trying to teach her kid about Santa Claus Right and the kid is like offering up a level one skeptic stuff. She's like, well, I don't know. He spoke Dutch and Santa speaks Dutch. And the mom, very

good line. She says, well, I speak French. I'm not Joan of Arc. I so want to hear her speak French. That's so speaking French is so hot. Um, anyway, that's why I keep he throwing so much. Um, but, uh, mom brings sand and to the office, right? She's like, will you please tell my daughter that you're not the real Santa? And he's like, no, because I am the real Santa. No, no, no, no, no, we're not doing the wink thing. Got it. Wink.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I am Santa Claus. And there's just this amazing moment when he first walks in where he goes do you have you have to tell her now? No, I am Santa Claus. And there's this, there's just this amazing moment when he first walks in where he goes, you have a lovely daughter. And I wanted to be like, thank you. She's not for sale. But please tell her. But yeah, no, this is again, the moment because again, this is a sweet movie until now

where the full grown man is like, no, I am Santa Claus. This is insulting. And the woman's like, oh, okay. Well, it's like, I don't, it's hard to explain. So sometimes some of you will message me on Facebook and you'd be like, hey Eli, I really like the show. I murdered my dad. That's what this woman's going through, but not in Facebook form.

That moment where you walk up at Reason Conn and you start to tell me about the divorce that was finalized yesterday, the movie. That's what I'm getting to watch. Yeah. No, and okay. So she's like, you know, what's your name? He's like Chris Gringo. And she's like, no, your real name is like Chris Gringo. And she turns to the secretary. She's like, will you grab me as an employment card? And they have one of those long. They used to do this in movies back in the 40s and 30s and shit where there's this long shot of the thing that you're supposed to read.

Ha ha. This is the 40s and everyone's fucking sound and out out loud in the. Create a create a. I'm trying to just carry on. So there will be a clean edit here. So she checks us out out as employment card and it's got his name listed as Chris Crangle, his place of birth as the North Pole. Why the fuck your employment card would have your place of birth? Because we were that racist back then. Also have to point this out. Under next of kin, he has his reindeer listed.

Now there's an origin story they've been hiding from us. under next of kin, he has his reindeer listed. Now, there's an origin story they've been hiding from us. Is he the father? Is he another, is he a sibling? I want to know. Anyway, so but mom realizes, oh, fuck, I hired a crazy person. That's, that makes me bad at my job. I need to fire this guy, but before she can fire him, Mr. Macy would like to

her to join him in the next scene. So she goes up to see Mr. Macy. Well, he's so excited about all the people who are so excited about Santa. Tell him to go to the juice stores that he's going to give her a big fat bonus and Santa's going to get a big bonus. And she did a great job. And he basically says, man, even if that guy was insane, this would be a good idea. Huh? He says he got 500 thank you letters. And look, I know it's the 1940s, but like I walked dying candle later kids across the big piano.

I didn't get a thank you letter. So I don't buy it. I don't buy it. Well, they died. Oh, all right. I feel like you right at ahead. I don't buy it. Well, they died. Oh, all right. I feel like you write it ahead of time. That's courtesy.

I plan ahead. You have it ready. You have it ready. You put it in the mail. You're dying. It's not like you got to get ready for high school. You got you got plenty of time on your schedule. No, you're right.

You're right. But yeah, so they're having like the board meeting of Macy's people. Yeah. And they're like, oh, this thing's actually working with the honest Santa thing. And then one guy's just like, and the boss is like, oh, yeah, sorry, it's well, well past noon. So I'm to all fuck our secretaries drink 12 martinis and murder a Negro and go home. So you guys want to knock off?

Yeah. Cool. You got to go home for their 3 p.m. dinner. Well, right. No, obviously. All right. So they leave the meeting. Now, Doris and Mr. Shell Hammer are walking together and she's like, uh, oh, you know, we're going to be in trouble. I just fired Santa. And he's like, why is she's like, he's insane. And he's like, I don't care if he's insane. He's just working with kids. This movie ends with this guy shitting in his hand and throwing it

at someone in any other universe. There's one for that out there. But instead his employer's going like, well, I don't know. Maybe he's only a little crazy. Maybe he's good crazy. Good crazy. He could be good crazy. But luckily for them, apparently Macy's has a company psychologist that they can send them to to have a, uh, an exam. Yeah. We're a math exam as we're going to learn. Well, it's very confusing. It's a bizarre one, but we'll get there.

Uh, so she comes back. She, she has to lie to Santa to keep her, you know, our old Santa came back cover story about the firing and intact. And I just point that out because lying to Santa is a nine year minimum on the naughty list. She's asking for it. She's asking for coal. So she says, no, no, we do want you as Santa. And he's like, good. You know, I've been getting worried about the commercialization of Christmas. And it's just sort of this like, you know, he's back in this time. It's personal kind of a moment there. Yeah. At any moment, he was like, I'm thinking centa's thinking about seizing the means

of production. There is no excess when enough is requirement. Oh, but yeah. And so he says, you know, he's like basically like, no, it's working here. It'll be great. It'll, it'll give me a chance to win you over to believing in Christmas and loving Christmas. And if I fail at that, I'll hang myself. And she's like, yeah, also, can you take a mental exam? Please, you read the fountain head. You should be able to count.

It just came out. So okay. So and then after Santa leaves, he agrees to do the psych test. She calls the nursing home you escape from, wants to talk to the doctor in charge. And I, again, only bring that up because back then, you didn't dial phones. You just pick them up and start talking.

Yeah, there are four phones. I mean, you were gonna get someone eventually. So, okay, now we're gonna head to the the psychologist office and we're going to do a psych exam. As imagined by a person who had a no idea what a psych exam might look like and be no comprehension of what an exam might look like. Right. And because this is a Christian movie, They have to shit on psychiatry. So the whole joke to this scene is that the psychologist, he's the crazy one. So no matter what Santa says, this psychologist is going to be like, I'm not gay, you're

gay. Yeah. And apparently the psychologist, it's just eight off Hitler, no? Yeah, it's apparently about to be Hitler with Hitler. It's not got a journey by the Vatican and became a shrink at Macy's and here we are. He's doing a math test for Santa. It makes so much sense. Yeah, well, yeah, and it's a math test because he's like, he's like, what's three times

five, 15? Who's the first president of the United States? George Washington, stand up and touch, you know, so I'm like, you're just picking random exam questions from different exams. What is three times five meant to establish psychologically? Roadside sobriety is the test that's being administered right now, as far as I could tell.

Right, yeah, one of them did take a drunk test. And he's doing like nose touch thing, like Eli poked himself in the eye during this coordination test, and that's how he got diagnosed with sad brain. That's what would happen like 1947. It appears your hands are trying to attack your body. How'd you do during the war? But apparently touching his nose and multiplying three times five is all the psychologists needed to see to say, yeah, this guy's crazy. I mean, I, the Santa thing is kind of an afterthought. Yeah. Cause he's

like, right. And you think you're Santa, right? And he's like, yeah. But you were if he on the nose thing, like he was kind of the side of your nose. And I saw you trace over throwing that out there. Yeah. So he calls doors. He's like, yeah, you know, you got a crazy person. And she's like, well, I'll tell you what, it's so convenient. The nursing home doctor, I called in the last scene with the phone. You don't have to dial is here. So let's all get together for a big scene with all of us. Right. And what's amazing is right again, the whole thing of this is like this psychologist is the

crazy one. And he's like, he's everything okay at home. And he's like, I've been married for 34 years. I'll have you know, and he leaves. And then he picks up the phone. And he's like, you tell my wife, she can't have any more allowance. And I mean, you get it right Noah, right? Allowance. What?

Nobody tell my wife I made this joke, please. What's that tell me? Wait, so how does the allowance work? Is it a per-dem? How do you do it? Moving on. Yeah, so yeah, so the shrink shows up and says, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha person and is like, that guy's fucking crushing it. Because the guy that's the Russian prince, and he's fine. But if you're the crazy ones, huh?

You guys want some of this? Yeah, but I also love that this, this whole like, you know, well, either he's insane and violent or he's just fine, kind of idea that they have here, right? Like there seems to be no idea that like, oh, maybe he's mentally ill, but not harmful. Right. It's 1947. So. And also he is harmful. Well, yeah, they're like, well, it's not like he's going to hurt it. Well, I mean, a lady got trampled by eight deer, but other than that, you're like, I don't see how he could possibly. I mean, he might got trampled by eight deer. Other than that, you're like, I don't see how he could possibly, I mean, he might have sought somebody later,

but we don't know. Well, yeah, right, right. He has threatened to assault someone already in this movie and then he's gonna do it. Yeah, that's right. It's right to go after him with a stick. That is how we met him. Is him being like,

I will hit you for not being the right kind of patron saint. I also love, okay. So you have to understand when you watch movies from the 40s that film viewers were not as sophisticated. So there was a, there was a, a feeling of, of, a need to establish that like this scene is continuing. If you changed positions. So because they moved this scene now from the shrink leaves, he's all pissed off. And everyone else is going to walk to the elevator together. But before they do that, we have to have this whole clunky like, let's all go walk to the elevator together for another scene and continue this dialogue kind of a moment. Oh, the best.

Yeah. And this is where they determine that the best thing to do since he's probably a little nutty is if they have some employee at Macy's adopt Santa Claus like a pet. He just needs a shaperone. Yeah. Two and from his job of making physical contact with children all day, the shaperone will solve all that.

All the problems there in her, solve a shaperone on the way to work. Right. And again, this is like fun, old, timey comedy that does not ring well today because they're like, Hey, show hammer. Why don't you have an extra room? Don't you? You have those young Thai boys who live there now, but I suppose there is no way I'm going to convince my wife of that unless I get her super duper drunk.

I, yes, that's what happened. So it's like, all right, I'm going to go roofing my wife and you bring the crazy dude to play with your kid for a while in the meantime. We have a great plan, ready, break. So yeah, now yet another man has taken an unhealthy, interesting Doris's daughter. This time it's Santa. He's hanging out at the department well. Mr. Shell hammer roofies his wife. And this is a, you know, we have to have another one of those like I am a cynical child with no imagination

kind of moments. I am a badly designed robot. She likes the other children play games where they are animals. I am not an animal and he's like, okay You need a windows 95 upgrade Love her though. She's so angry. He's like why don't you play with the other kids? They're fucking stupid And it's sticky and fucking smell like she I don't mean like they smell like shit like actual human feces My bad like learn to wipe. It's gross. But the real problem, I said a diagnosis is that she doesn't have any kind of imagination

because she doesn't believe in any bullshit. So he starts selling her imagination like that pushy friend of yours that bought too much ecstasy and really, really needs to get the money together tomorrow. And also throughout this scene, while the two of them are talking, they keep getting closer. Like the scene gets less and less comfortable until eventually she's on his lap, giving him Eskimo kisses. It's not okay. I like it. And this, this all leads up to the part where Santa is going to show her how to be a monkey. This is a very uncomfortable seat with the old man's just standing there going, okay,

now scratch. Now do that. Now, no, no, they don't do. They don't do that. It's fucking infuriating. He goes, put your arms at your sides. Like, I'm a little teapot. Now go, Hey guys, monkey pro tip. It's just FYI. I have a $200,000 education about this. This is what you doing. It's monkey. All right. Now, shit in your hand and throw it over there. Also, while they're doing this, mom, uh, uh, mom and Mr. Gailier in the kitchen, uh, preparing dinner apparently, uh, this is where we learned Mr. Gailier as a lawyer, uh, when he says, apropos of nothing, I'm a lawyer. Yeah. That'll matter later. The smooth 1940's dialogue. Yeah, exactly. I want you to be surprised later when I lawyer something. Say you know, I am a lawyer. So he walks out to

set the table and the, the little girl in the, um, is, is, is doing her monkey noises and Santa standing over her crack and a whip going, are you a monkey or a fucking mon goose? Ah, I want years for, steers and clear speech of pretending to be a monkey. I wrote my notes. I want him to do imagination whiplash with her so bad, just like not quite my monkey. I'm not going to throw his a folded chair over her head. What's imagination whiplash? Whiplash is a fantastic movie about how people use to learn before we all accepted losers as part of the process.

Oh, the drummer movie? Yeah. Okay, got it. Yeah. Sometimes we have guy in that movie. Sometimes the jokes are better when you spell out the references. Um, so yeah. So, but Mr. Galey says at this point, he's like, Hey, crazy person who believes your Santa Claus. Um, you are looking, I understand you're looking

for a roommate. I have a very weird two twin beds sitting next to each other in a room is set up in my apartment. It's ridiculous. Would you like to sleep next to me as though we just joined the army? I'm a grown up attorney. So, and then, so he decides to stay with, with, with Mr. Galey, but we have this linger on this scene for just a little longer because this is where Mr. Shell Hammer calls any of successfully will feed his wife. Yeah, she reminds me of Thomas every time I've seen him in person, just like, hello. Look at living my house. Yeah, and the guy he calls up and he's like, I made martinis at triple strength for my

wet triple strength. Yeah, right? He's really, that would be like about 120% alcohol, as I understand if you got 80 proof gender, vodka, tiny bit of remote, maybe, but it's not how that works. You just made three giant martinis, right? Right. Right. Notice that it was in a pint glass.

Well, if you look at the fucking toothpicks on the side, she's had like 11 of them or something. Yeah. So, yeah. That's what he meant by triple strength. Normally she drinks four at a night. It was 12. So it, but she would love to have Santa Claus stay with him. But it's too fucking late. Mr. Groot, Galey already fucked up the plan for everybody else. So this scene is completely useless. Yeah, right. So that we can get that hilarious comedic performance of drunk woman. Yeah, right. Trying to speak on a phone. Yeah, I guess that's that's what that was.

Yeah. So Santa is staying in the building with Natalie Wood and it's very, very terrifying. Yeah. And that's going to lead us into the next disturbing scene because now the little girl is in her night clothes. And the old girl is in her night clothes. And the old man is in the room with her. How was this not troubling to people of 1947? Yeah, just a strange man that you know is crazy putting your child to bed.

Yeah. And asking her what she really, really wants for Christmas. I have lots of adult friends with kids. And in real life, I'm a normal dude. None of my adult friends would be like, hey Eli, who's totally normal. Do you want to put my kid to bed? Nope.

None. Eight percent. No matter what the bad mom who was on atheistically speaking says, that is not an okay thing to do. She's, and I'd Natalie Wood, the actress is clearly uncomfortable with this. Oh yeah. Scowling at it. Like you should when a crazy old man is in your bedroom and you're a child or you're an

adult or really anybody in that situation should have a very angry look on their face. Right. But he is. He's insisting that she tell her, tell him what she really really wants for Christmas So she reaches under her bed and pulls out a picture of what she wants like it's porn And the picture is of a large two-story home She doesn't want her giant Manhattan apartment. She wants a house on Long Island fucking idiot She doesn't want her giant Manhattan apartment. She wants a house on Long Island fucking idiot. Yeah, right. Yeah, she lives in a possibly nice apartment in like Harold Square and she wants

a fucking swing. Go to park. Fuck you. Right, you've got a fucking window view of the parade. I want mommy to sell this five bedroom apartment on Broadway so I can live in the house. Heath grew up in. Oh, yeah, that's a stupid example. My house is awesome. Yeah. Yeah. She's not no violent. It was in Rockland. It is. You know, seven, seven year old kids, you know, they, they know real estate. Yeah. So she's got this like, fuck New York. I'm sure dominoes will be fine. I want to live in the suburbs attitude. And he's like, all right, I'll see what I can do. And then seals the deal with a kiss. Oh, it's very, very upsetting. The kid, it's a forehead kiss for like the

in like an entire track of stairway to heaven could have played. He might have a cigarette after it's. Oh, gross. I also, I, I, maybe this is just me. I did not grow up with the kissing of any even children you were related to. The kissing thing is not a big thing for me growing up. Is that a thing like a mom and a baby? Maybe. Right. But like other than that, you don't kiss a child, right? So your mother never kissed you. That's why you know I was good at things. Am I discovering a secret treasure? I see people kiss each other all the time that aren't romantically involved or a mother and a child and I'm like, oh, weird. Okay, well, let me ask you this. We'll find out if that's, if that's really

fucked you up long term. What's three times five, Eli? Uh, 27. John, yeah. No, you're dead. You're, you're, yeah. No, you're, you are minutes away from a school shooting. Sorry to tell you. All right. So now we see Santa and Mr. Galey getting ready for bed. Hey, no, when you started the skating atheist a couple of years ago to like talk about skeptical issues

Did you ever picture yourself saying that? So far oh yeah, no, he's got this weird like two brothers twin beds room Going on where by the way he's smoking a cigarette. Like he's like, yeah, let's go to bed. I almost smoke a cigarette in mine. And so he keeps this bed ready for sleepovers. Yeah, what's happening there? Why would you just have somewhere else in a different room? Right. And again, the point of this scene is that Santa's telling Mr. Galey not to take no for an answer from Natalie Woods mom. Yes. Yeah, he's given, he's given Mr. Galey

fuck advice for Doris. Okay. And that ends with the way this scene, or the way they close that conversation is with Santa saying, and I quote, I'll take care of Susie. You take care of the mother and Mr. Galey saying, deal. Now, there's an exchange that needs more context. You know, if you ever seen throw Mama from the train, you want to be specific in situations like this. Exactly. And then, uh, so I, I'm glad I'm looking at our notes and we all have the same suspicion. He goes, now, wait a second. Before I go uh, so I'm glad I'm looking at our notes and we all have the same suspicion. He goes, now wait a second. Before I go to bed, I'm going to find out the answer for a question. I've wondered for a long time. And we all thought he was about to say, what

does Santas Dick look like? But no, no, it's, it's whether or not Santa sleeps with his whiskers under the blankets or out of the blankets. What the fuck? Kind of quite, you know, it made me think of that part in the book of Mormon where they're like, what do we call ourselves Christians? Like you could ask any question of Santa. You know, no, how does a fat man to five physics enough to get down to the jail? You want to know why, whether,

who would put their beard under the blanket? It's fucking weird. And show us the deck. Most of the time, like, I wanted to see, oh, it's a bull full of jelly. Look at that. His dick's a bull full of jelly. I want to be split both ways like a jingle bell. Yeah, because when I got into this job, I was thinking to myself eventually we'll get

to picture Santa's dick. Eventually we'll get there. And some crazy lady who thinks she's Mrs. Claus runs in, starts beating the shit out of her. Like Jerry Springer. And fun. So then we see a, a New York City department store admonctized for no fucking reason. Uh, I don't know, but we have to go back to the store and see people using this, tell people to go to other stores to get shit policy that's been so successful for them. And everyone just gets a, literally everyone gets a giant book to look things up in case

they don't have it. Yeah. What? It's like a vegan restaurant having a list of food just to fuck with you. I mean, so, but meanwhile, we, we head over to the board room at Gimbles and Mr. Gimbles like what a fuck didn't we think of sending away our customers. This is a gold mine guys a gold mine. People will say gimbal is a Jew damn it.

A Jew. So he's like all right. We need to brainstorm how to lose the money like macy. Yeah right. Go. It's people like close the store entirely, fucks up the whole book thing. And then they sleep in front of them. They shouldn't have done that.

Yeah, but no, they decide that the two are going to send away their customers. It'll be the big new thing. And apparently that leads to a, whatever a happy time between Miss Macy's and Gimbals where they like, you know, do promotional photoshoots or how much they both love Santa. Yeah, it's very strange. And again, so like, we get this, this promotional photo suit with them and Santa and Mr. Macy gives him a check that we're supposed to think is like a lot of money. So 1940s is like $8 and and the guy's like, so wow, that's quite a bit of money, Chris. What are you going to do with it?

And he goes, I'm going to buy an X-ray machine for a local children's hospital. And I just said this crazy moment where I was like, imagine a hospital without an X-ray machine. Like, that's just a place when slightly spaced out beds, right? I mean, don't even wrong. When no, as a kid, X-ray machines were just like dipping people in uranium and waiting until they were see through, but it's still a weird thought. Right. Well, and of course, we get from there, we get this little thing where that like Mr.

Macy and Mr. Gimble are like, you know, bidding down who can get him a cheaper X-ray machine. Yeah, right. He's like, oh, it may sees if you buy it through us. So I'll give you 10% off of it. And then Gimble's like, I can get it for cost and they're like, ha ha ha ha ha, Jew. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. What'd you say? He did ha ha ha ha in normal text and put Jew in point four font. Yes, as well. So, okay, so that night,

Mom put Suzy to bed and I'm like, that's much more comfortable. For once. But, but then she closes the door and Santa was lurking in the fucking shadows. Like, I like me in a singing a song. Like, he was in the room but invisible until she closed the door anyway. So he's gonna sing her a lullaby because, you know, he's like, does your mom ever sing to you? And she's like, no, I have no imagination. That's what rational people are.

No, she's a feminist. Gross. Gross. Yeah. And no. And apparently this scene only exists so we can have that hilarious bit where Santa tries to blow a bubble off screen. He's physically incapable. Obviously. He's put it on screen. Like, they never had like a stunt Santa start blowing a bubble at one point, but like fucking method Santa went nuts. They saw somebody else dressed to say he's like, Oh, what the hell is that?

There's going to be one. Yeah, he tries to blow a bubble and then we get this shot of him picking a bubble gum out of his beard. And I'm like, I wonder where they're going with this. Nope. Existed for its own sake. Who can't love bubble? Yeah, right.

All right. So now we get Santa at the cafeteria, the work cafeteria. He takes a seat with Jimmy Olson. Jimmy's feeling blue. He's got the Jimmy Olson blues. Yeah. Thank you. Jimmy's like the Lenny of this movie in my opinion.

I feel like he's about to like squeeze a kid to death at some point and Jimmy is sad because The psychologist the Hitler psychologist from before has told him that people who pretend to be Santa Only do it because they have something terrible they did in their past and I wanted so badly for Santa to have like a World War one flashback of German bodies and blood in the moon light. And it's just like, oh, what a silly thing to say. Silly, silly thing to say.

I should be. You're squeezing my hand real tight, Chris. Yes. Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, it's a guilt complex. That's why people dress up as Santa and make up for guilt. I wanted them to like cut over to Berlin, the entire city's dressed up like Santa. Oh, is this, we all feel better now? Yeah, but this is where I had that conversation. You know, normally we do Christian movies and shit and this movie is not we all feel better now? Yeah, but this is where I had that real- I'm so over.

You know, normally we do Christian movies and shit and this movie is not at all Christian. It's about San and everything. But, but as Eli pointed out, it does shit on psychology every chance it gets. So it's like an honorary Christian movie just from that. Because San is like, you know, how dare that psychologist psychologically analyze you?

I'm gonna go give him a piece of my mind. I'm gonna go beat the shit out of that guy. Yes, yes, yes, he outsourced the man with a stick. Hit him on the head with a cane. And now the movie would have you believe, yeah, that guy sure did have a comment. But no, that's not how adults have conversations. He does look like a Nazi to be fair. And to be fair, like, well, we're about to see the scene, right? So Santa goes to meet the shrink, right? And he's like, you're a fucking bullshit. You're

only supposed to be here to give IQ tests and measure skulls, dammit. And just like, well, it's obvious that we disagree and he's like, and violence. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's been the face with a staggy. He does. I wanted him to beat up the shrink with like just all different toys that he kept pulling out of the bag. The giant Hulk hands are like a power glove or hammer power gloves. Shoot some with a Nerf gun. Why aren't you dead? Fuck. What's wrong? How am I the old one?

And he's making power glove references. All right. So main character, Lady Doris and Mr. Mario weapons come in and see the shrink all knocked out. They saw Santa hit him. He was show hammer. I'm just going to go on something. Oh, I get I genuinely stared at that note for like 40 minutes and I figured Mario weapons and took me on a long road of porn. I don't want to go into it. I found out things about myself that make me really confident and happy with who I am now. But that's not the point. The point is I didn't get that joke and and happy with who I am now. But that's not the point. The point is I didn't get that joke and show him where I get it now. Sorry, I did that to you, Eli. So yeah, but they're waking up the the psychologist and they're like, what happened? And they're like, well, Santa hit me with it with a stick. And the the

films protagonist, or says like, well, you must have been asking for it. What were you wearing when he hit you with the stick? Right. And he lies. He's like, I don't know. I was just sitting there and he attacked me. And it's like, you don't need to lie. You can be like, we disagreed. And then he struck me.

Yeah. What? What they defend Santa here? They're like, well, I mean, okay, he assaulted you, but he can multiply and no stutters. So we can't really do anything. I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah, no, there's this whole woman where they're like, well, but he passed all the psychological tests. I'm like, nope, nope, because are you jolly old Saint Nick could be on one of these tests you see and fail. Jesus. But of course, Mr. Shell Hammer and the shrink, they're like, well, you know, if he's violent, we can't have him working with kids. The fact that he's so touchy didn't really disturb us, but the fact that he hit this old

guy did. So, you know, we need to, we need to get Santa the fuck out of here and have him committed. But we don't want to like make a scene. So let's trick him into coming downstairs. This is so goddamn fucking weird because he's like, Hey, we want you to take some shots with the mayor down by city hall, maybe downstairs in 20 minutes. I'm like, you're his boss. You could just say, I need to see it downstairs. Right. We're the elaborate lie. Yeah, there's a lot of that in this fucking movie. Like,

why do we need to have more in aougles like through 15 minutes of explaining a bullshit story of why she was firing Santa earlier? Anyway, we a lot of labyrinth lies in this movie. So they bring Santa down stairs and they kidnap him. The 40s when you could just send someone to an insane asylum, just like, no, don't worry, I'm his boss. Get in there. They're like, shove him in a car and they're like, all right, Bellevue. And he like can't get it. It's like Santa hostage movie.

What's happening? Right. One of them just like throw a shroud over his head, start waterboarding Santa. It turns out it's crampus. He like wakes up to speak, speak dangling in a pool of water. He's getting shocked by crampus. Yeah. Crampus is forgotten more about pain than you and I. We'll have a known murder and elf every 10 minutes until you admit you're not Santa. And with that dark as fuck turned, we're going to pause for a well-earned break.

But first let me give act three, the hard sell. Will Chris Cringles spend his declining years being sexually abused in a poorly supervised 40s asylum? Will he be allowed to watch the world series, even if the votes already closed? Will Eli Force me to make fun of one flu over the kukus nest next? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We return for the judicial pedants nightmare that is act three of miracle on 34th street. You're on a, obviously, this is a sensitive subject, but we can't pretend that Santa

Claus exists because people are going to be upset otherwise. That's crazy. Uh, can we not? Yeah, right. I call my opponent son to the stand. Um, yes, and no, no, no, you can't do that. I'll allow it. Okay. Well, well, you're a fucking crazy person. And the answer is still, no, that's not allowed.

What if I sit him on my lap? This is mistrial. You don't get to call that. That ain't you? I feel like I do now. All right. The court concedes that Santa is real. I call the post office to the stand. This is the fucking worst. Hate my job. With the DA. And we're back for the breakdown. When we last left our hero, a shams psychologist kidnapped him and they were taken to be forcibly lobotomized, but not if Mr. Galey has anything to say about it.

Yeah. So he checked in with him. He's lawyering. He's doing boring lawyer work, but then he gets a phone call. Yeah. And he has to apologize to the secretary. He's dictating to his like, sorry, good, Trude. Yeah. And he's got a call on a three digit number. I just want to. Yeah. Well, no, right. Well, it's it's from yes, from 11. And they're calling about Mr. Cringle.

He's at Bellevue and needs your help. It's like, hi, are you a lawyer who's bunk bed buddies with a guy who thinks he's santa? Yeah, we committed him. We'd like you to explain why we shouldn't also commit you. You want to come down? Try to lawyer your both out of that. Yeah, yeah, he goes to see him at the in Santa element. It seems like it should be a trap, but it's not. Nope.

And now we get to watch sad Santa's pout in a chair. Oh my God. Yeah, but okay, so we've already established that we've already established that Santa can pass all the psychological tests. No problem. He's got a down pat. So Mr. Galeys, why did you fail the exam? And he's like, because I was grumpy.

You get a purpose. I'm, I'm, I'm, opportunity to be I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, is the same thing as failing it by actually. Right. Yes. Either way, you're basically a cutter. If you do it on purpose or you're crazy, it's failing either way is the point. Yeah. Andrew, if you're listening, by the way, get ready for the moment when Eli gets institutionalized because Twitter is mean or something like this now.

Let's all get ready for that moment. We're all getting ready. Believe me, I have some financial contingencies for just that occasion. So, okay, so, but Mr. Galey believes in Santa, damn it. And he has the whole like conversation. We have to talk Santa up and don't quit Santa. Don't let the children down. Get up your son of a bitch because Galey.

Yeah, right. Exactly. But so Santa changes his mind on a dime. He's like, you're right. This doesn't even make sense for me to do this at this point in the film. Does it? I don't want to be institutionalized anymore. Let's leave. But Mr. Goose, I was like, no, you failed the fucking test, man. You don't get to just, I'm sick of jail now or anything. He's like, well, can you help Mr. Gale? I'll do what I can. I want him to show back up with like a nail file baked into a fruit cake. I have a gift here,

Mr. Claus or a Rocky montage where he's like running around a pen picking up little kids or a reindeer elves. Moody bit. And I love here he goes, you're the greatest lawyer since Darrow. Yeah. The scopes monkey trial guy and the child killers guy. I just like that right. I'm saying you're the greatest lawyer since, you know, evolution and what are you doing wandering off with strangers? Anyways, that's a weird career to pick and feel like. So meanwhile, we cut back to Macy's and Mr. Macy is pissed because this shrink had his

awesome golden goose Santa committed. So he says, go back to that asylum and bring back my employee, which is something both Mr. Macy and I have said on more than one occasion. It's nice to know I have that in common with him. Mm-hmm. I also love, by the way, that the shrink who got beaten up by Santa earlier, Mr. Macy says, I'm also going to respond violently if you don't know, baby, by the way. Uh, the 40s.

You just slap your employees around. A better time, a simpler time. So now we're going to cut over to the judges chamber. They're deciding whether or not they need to lawyer up this whole, is this guy Santa thing or not? The judge's first line is the perfect 1940s moment. He goes, I suppose I have to read all this. Yeah. Lawyers like, well, that's just like standard lock up the crazy guy paperwork.

He literally thinks he's Santa Claus. So yeah, he just like, all right. Well, there you go. Which I mean, you know, yeah, in the judge's defense, if you put me in that position, yeah, but Mr. Galey shows up at the last second. He's like, I want a formal hearing. And the judge is like, yeah, no, we'll do that on Monday. Cause of course, you know, they just roll right through Monday. We can, we can knock this out before Christmas. Sure. Yeah. He's about to sign it. And it's like your honor. Santa's attorney is here. He bursts in. Yeah. I wanted him to just like dress in North Pole stuff for the rest of the movie. Just like jingling bells on his shoes and

his boobies to fuck with everybody. Yeah. I also love. Okay. So this is where so the the shrink is going back because he wants to get Santa back for Mr. Macy. And he realizes that Santa is all loyered up. So he goes after Mr. Gale and he's like, Hey man, don't, you know, like, let's not get a bunch of publicity on this. In other words, he's like, Hey man, here's my weakness.

Please don't use it against me. Yeah. Wouldn't want that. Anyway, and then the next plot point is presented as a newspaper headline. Ha ha. Doctors doubt sanity of Santa. Yeah. Oh my, all this publicity. And then we get to this very weird sequence. Okay. And this is going to be a pivotal part of the movie. We have the judge with his campaign manager and his house and the campaign. I love Lucy.

Yep. Yep. Exactly. And he thinks that this judge needs to drop this Santa case on somebody else's lap. He'll never get reelected if he locks up Santa. Yeah. I'm sorry. Elected judges is a dumb idea.

And this is why people. Election generally is a bad idea. Exactly. Throwing that out there. yeah really is a bad idea ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha point, the grandchildren of the judge come in and just like are giving their grandfather the double bird in tire. He looks over his wife. She's pissed. She's like facing the other way, doing the black Panther fist in the air.

That's later. So we had over to the courtroom because you know if they had the space on Monday, it was they had an opening. There was a cancellation. And apparently by the way, the courtroom only place in the universe, you weren't allowed to smoke back that. Yeah. We see the guy be like, this is the spot we found the one place you shouldn't smoke go over to that old Christmas tree farm and light up there. There's a daycare center down the hall. I want to smoke.

Sir, thank you. Right. So, okay. So, uh, Mr. So, the, so the, the, the, the D.A. shows up. He's like, I'm going to prove this guy's crazy. I call him to this stand. I want to point out no hand on the Bible where they swear I'm in on this. Yeah.

It was a more heathenous world back then. And at least they at least acknowledge that like this guy can't be forced to testify against himself here. So I appreciate it. That's the only time they'll ever be remotely true to what the law does, but they at least did that. Yep. And again, what happens is he gets up and he's like, good morning and he's like, good

morning. I'm fucking crazy. Uh, you don't have to answer any questions you don't want to. I know. I'm a crazy person. And honestly, you know what? The DA handles this exactly like I would. He's like, what's your name? He's like Santa Claus.

He's like, I rest my case. We're done. We are done to hear. Are we not done to hear? We're not. No. Okay. And the judge turns to him because he's like, do you believe your Santa Claus? He's like, yep. And he's like, all right, well, that's all I got. And the judge turns to him. He starts asking these really leading questions. He's like, don't you mean that you were hired

to play Santa? And he's like, yeah, no, I know what the question was. Look me in the eyes. I'm fucking Santa class. This is a serious case. And so from there, we realized that the whole case now is going to rest on. He's only crazy if he's not actually Santa Claus. Yes. That's what his lawyer proposed. That's what the lawyer is going to do. Now wait, he could really be Santa and I want the judge to just be like, oh, Miss trial. Everybody gets committed. He's like, he's like, no, I have a flow chart that proves or whatever. He's Santa Claus. Mr. Galey can prove it. And I'm just right in my notes here, like Eli, how can you not love this movie?

Your chest is an angry weasel where the heart is supposed to be. That's a very, very sweet scene. He's going to prove that the old man is Santa Claus, David. Meanwhile, back at Doris's place, apparently her and Mr. Galey are a couple now. It's been through that. After all, they've spoken two or three times and she's not a prostitute. So they are engaged. Yeah, but of course, Mr. Galey has to tell them, I've never got this guy's first name. Did he have a first name? Fred Fred. Okay. I keep calling him Mr. Galey. Like this is a formal occasion. But yeah, so Fred has to tell her like, Hey, I'm going to prove that that old man is Santa Claus. Actually, he comes in and says, good news. I quit my job at my law firm so that I could prove that this crazy old man really was

Santa Claus. Yeah. Yeah. You're a good lawyer. Fun fact, this is why Andrew had to leave his friend. But that man was not Santa. So we don't bring it up a lot. His plan is to start his own practice and defend, you know, people who think they're Santa and Batman. Yeah, right. Yeah, he specialized in this. Oh, Jesus. And also, he's like, I don't think that you're going to be able to convince a judge that that old man is Santa Claus. He's like, do you not have any faith in me? Like, how much fucking faith do you expect, dude? You were dictating land contracts nine minutes ago. And now you're arguing on behalf of an invalid's delusion and a court of law.

What the fuck would she have faith in you for at this point? Yeah. She's like, you realize this is fucking stupid, right? This is why your husband divorced you. See this point. Yeah. She's like, you realize this is fucking stupid, right? This is why your husband divorced you. See, this is it. Yeah, you're so much of that. Yeah, you're awful, awful bitch family. She might as well fly away on a broom doing fucking the calculus on a paint of glass. But it was so stupid.

And she'll turn out to be wrong. I want to make it very clear that this movie will apostulate that she's wrong, not to believe he should quit his job and defend Santa close. Meanwhile, we go over to the bad anti-Santa lawyer, the DA, and he's like reading through the newspapers with his wife. He's going like, oh, there really be a hard on me. And she's like, good, you fuck. He's just rightly confused. He's like, I'm just getting someone, healthcare, why is all of the newspapers pretending

I'm prosecuting Santa Claus? Yeah, yeah. And he's like, well, why are you prosecuting Santa Claus? And he's like, it's none of his real. You're all lying. But he's like, and she's like, fuck you. I've been faking all my orgasms forever. I hate you.

I wish I married a real man, like a plumber. Like a plumber. I love Santa and I was like, fuck a fuck. Plumber. Yeah, so we have established now that everyone's life is just being torn apart by this case. So now it's time to head back to court. So apparently day one of the trial was just those first 18 words that we heard in the opening arguments. But now where they rested, which would mean that their case was done, but they're still

going there. Yeah, no, they've got it. Yeah, they've decided bonus guests. It's just a figure. Yeah, right. It's like when you think you've killed the boss, a enemy, and they just regenerates. It's like that, but in a trial. So, but now he's going to call Mr. Macy to the sand. And he's like, Mr. Macy, do you think that guy's Santa? I feel like that's inadmissible or irrelevant or both or that Mr. Macy shouldn't have weird flashes of future newspaper headlines being like Macy Kiddles Santa with bare hands. He killed his childhood. So he's just like, yeah, he's Santa.

And again, I just want the judge to be like, okay, so everyone is crazy. This is the procedure. This is the procedure. This is the procedure. This is the procedure. This is the procedure. This is the procedure. This is the procedure. This is the procedure. This is the procedure. This is the procedure. the picture jacket for you and a straight jacket for you. Yeah. I was appointed by Trump. So I don't know what to do in this situation. Yeah. Macy has a fiduciary responsibility to

pretend he believes in Santa. That's what's happening. It's fucking nothing. Yeah. And yes, this is just a giant mistrial. So the other lawyer, I didn't know you could do this, but the other lawyer is like, no, no, no, no, the DHA Johnson. Do you get interruptions like that? I like like challenge flags. Right. You know, you get two per half a third if both of them. I mean, I'm glad he jumped in because this is fucking ridiculous. But I don't think that's how it works. So yeah, and then and then fucking Fred offers up the argument from, can you prove

there isn't a Santa? Yeah. Like did they think that's what happened? Could you prove that he didn't not murder her? Yeah. So yeah. And the lawyer, the prosecutor, very reasonably in my mind says, hey, can we at least declare right now? Is there or is there not a Santa because nothing else matters until we get that. And then the judge is like, I'm going to need to take a few minutes to think that one over.

Now he's doing that because he wants to make sure that he can get reelected and not be the guy who prosecuted Santa. I feel like I'd be more nervous about the guy reelecting the guy who needed nine or 10 minutes to figure out if Santa exists. Yeah. And the exchange there's crazy. It's like, all right, well, this is a mockery. We're not going to have a trial about whether Santa Claus exists.

I demand a ruling right now from the judge does Santa Claus exist in this court. Yeah. I don't know. We'll find out, I guess. So he goes back into his chambers where he's got to talk with his campaign manager again. And his campaign manager says, and I quote, I don't care what you do with old whisker pus out there. I just want to say that is the greatest euphemism of all time.

Why do we still use Santa if old whisker pus has been around since 1947? Fair. Fair. That's what I should have grown up on. Why do we still use Santa if old whisker pushes been around since 1947 fair fair. That's why I should have grown up on. I just want to throw out there that Fred from I love Lucy's argument here is that if you declare that Santa's not real, the kids will read in the papers that Santa isn't real, then no one will celebrate Christmas. Everyone will get fired. There will be riots in the street.

And everyone will remember you in your bed. It escalates very quickly. The world economy collapses in this scenario. It be declares in this one court that there's no, wouldn't it be the opposite? Wouldn't it be like, okay, well now we have to physically buy the gifts. It's not like we should be putting big tariffs

on the North Pole to protect domestic toy manufacturing. It's a crazy, crazy rant about economics. Yeah. And eventually by the end of it, the judge realizes that he has to pretend to believe in Santa if he wants to get reelected, which is when I realized that this whole movie was just a preceasing analogy for Obama's Christianity. So I'll tell you what, I'm going to be honest for a quarter of a second on Mark Merin's podcast and then I will never ever acknowledge that again. I'm going to, I'm going to say the words and then everyone's just going to go la, la, la, miss Saigon.

It's like Bernie on Jimmy Kimmel. I'm just going to close our eyes real tight. So the judge goes back out to rule. And the judge says, hey, you know what, Santa's just an opinion. Some people believe some people don't. I'll hear the evidence. So he's agnostic. Exactly.

I call your son to the stand. What? Yes. Yes. So Fred comes up and calls the, the other attorney's child and the, the, the, the, the, the, the DA looks at his wife like what the fuck? And she holds up a subpoena. The subpoena, the kid was subpoena. Guide dressed as a UPS man. Sorry, a little Timmy Jenkins. Yeah, that's me, Mr. Yeah, sir.

So yeah, so they just they the little kid comes up. Uh, they, Fred picks him up and throws him on in the sand. Like, can everyone stop man handling other people's children? So many of these they're just like balling them up. And oh, Corona, we don't like to play tummy sticks with the witness before you start it. And the reason that they've come, they, they brought this kid to the stand is so that he can establish that he sure believes there's a real Santa. Looks just like that fellow

with the beard over there. Yeah, it's crazy. This might as well be a trial about everyone's dead dog upstate. Yeah, right. And like the DA rolls in corpses of thousands of dogs. Diculous. Also, by the way, as Tommy is the little kid is leaving the stand. He stops by Santa's desk and says, don't forget, I want a real official football helmet. So Santa is openly bribing the witnesses. Right. One of those old leather football helmets that didn't do anything. So also a joke about the Mara family that was the giants. The DA's name is Mara. It's really, really your reference. I guess in 47 maybe. I don't know. Yeah, but even then

it wasn't a good one. So, but the DA is finally like, okay, look, man, stop bringing my family on this. I would concede that Santa Claus exists, but this guy over here isn't Santa. And the judge is like, well, can you prove that he's the real Santa and Mr. Galen is like, I, I would need an adjournment to build suspense, but that may, that maybe he needs to fill tomorrow to prove that he is the one and only Santa. Yeah, exactly. I don't understand. Just have a hearing through Christmas Eve and see if President show up the next day.

Is like decided. Yeah. Right. Right. So, okay. Now we have to cut to mom explaining this all to Susan, right? Because Susan now believes that this guy really is Santa. I mean, he's so kind and nice and jolly.

Right. He can't be nice and kind if he's not an elf, St. God demon. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Also, by the way, Eli is Santa. Also, but yeah, so she's going to write a letter to Santa to cheer him up because he must sure be feeling blue

So she writes out the hey, don't forget to give me the fucking house I don't care that you're in a silent silent letter and mom reads over it and she's like Yeah, I've let me add a little I also believe in you Santa Yeah, dear Santa I still want that fucking house don't bitch out Susie mom's like yeah, I believe in you too, because this is the happy ending the movie. And I want the Hattachi Magikwondo. Oh, God.

So, okay, so now we've got to the mail room. And honestly, at this moment, because of the weird fucking editing back in the 40s, I felt like this was just like, we were gonna have to follow the letter so that we would understand that it was delivered shot later. But no, there's actually something that's going to happen in the mail room here. And can we talk about old time email room? What a hell slash amazing procedure this is. They're just throwing letters into vents and fucking they got those sucky tubes from steam punk things. It just, it just, it bowls of paper everywhere being mulched into one giant letter that gets sliced by a bread maker into separate letters.

It's fucking amazing. Everything in that room could take your arm off and house no safety equipment attached to it. Yeah, exactly. There's just legs just caught in the wheels, just pop, pop, pop, pop, every time they go around. Have the buildings on fire, they're like, all right, right. We're going on this side. Well, that's all right. We're done with the East Wing.

We're going to get all this paper. Yeah. So yeah. So, but the guy, the mail room guy finds a letter addressed to Santa Claus and he's like, usually these go to the North Pole, but this Santa letter is addressed to the quad house. What the hell? And this is where they are. So the other this boss comes through and says, yeah, no, they got a guy on trial. And the guys like, Hey, you know, all them letters. We got for Santa in the back. We got thousands of them. We should send them to the Quatt house too. Okay. Why would there be thousands of Santa letters in the actual mail? What, like, are there thousands of parents who actually don't get how the thing works with the letter to Santa that we're sending them? You just you, you have, you tell your

kid you're putting in the mailbox and you just get it. What does he send it anywhere? Well, actually, that's a huge fucking thing. That's a huge thing. People, like they actually do collect letters for Santa at the North Pole and there's fuck those people. Just go get it out of your mailbox. What are you doing? That's the. Wow. That's like Alec Baldwin in SNL where he's like the family who actually believes like you have to be good to get Santa's presence. And as a special bonus, go on the post office website and see their official statement on we throw those fucking things away.

Yeah, because it's the it is very clearly like, hey kid who Googled what happened here. You know, there's lots of ways through we throw them in the garbage. Reach out to Santa right in the fucking garbage. You'll throw them away on your block. He'll tear it in half and throw it away on your block. That's what those green things are for on the corners. They're just full of Santa letters to let their year round moldering. So here they hose them out. So be well. Okay. So we head back to court. Santa's reading the series letter. He sure is happy now. But Mr. Galey hasn't figured out any way to prove these Santa yet. And then they pan over to the DA and the assistant DA and they're like consulting at their little table.

They're like studying paperwork. What the fuck would that be? What paperwork are they like a math proof? The limit as ex approaches zero of Santa does not exist. What the fuck? Yeah. And the fuck? Yeah. And but the other lawyers look at over and was like, yeah, you can just tell he doesn't have shit by the look at his face.

And just then a guy comes in to tell Fred that there are a billion letters outside for Santa. Convenient. Just like, uh, Hey, man, this like a hundred thousand letters to Santa outside for you. Where do I, uh, he's like, I don't worry. We'll work it out. It'll be the climax of this. Yeah. Right. Right. Actually, you stay here. I'll signal you when it'd be most appropriate. I wanted the D.A. to be like, okay, hold on. Hold on. I'm going to bring in thousands of letters to a law. There they are. State rest.

Great. State rest. So, okay. Open them carefully. And I love. And So yeah. And I love. And I love to that we get. So he goes outside to check and see what's going on with the letters. And then we cut into the courtroom where the prosecutor's just monologuing while the other lawyer is out of the room. You know, like in court. But so Galey comes in. He's got a plan now, God damn it. He comes in and

first he has to establish that the post office exists. Yeah, with an almond. Yeah, the almond. I'm like, New York Post Office is a real thing. Maybe heard of it. It's in New York. And it's legit. It's the bees. Nies. I have it in writing right here. Yeah, and he finishes the omni quote and the audience is like, no, most office is real. And he also establishes, and if you think about it, it's illegal to deliver mail to the wrong person, isn't it? There's a guy, yeah, yeah, and he's like, then I'd like to submit these seven letters from Santa. This is proof. The male, the post office delivered

it to Santa. They think he's Santa. That's the federal courts or the federal government. The federal government is already declared him to be Santa. And the DA is like, okay, seven letters. We're going to need some more evidence than seven letters. I would need like a dozen and dozen. And so Fred's like on record, a dozen. He's like, yes, yes, you win if you have five more letters. You win the movie if you have five more letters or more. Do you have five or more or more letters?

So yeah, that he does. Yeah, then he queues the guys who bring in thousands of letters for Santa in one of the most wonderful and iconic scenes in the history of cinema, Eli, you have to at least admit that at this point, you can't cheer up a little. And it's really cute. This is insane. We're sure they cover the judge and letters. Somehow the gavel is still going now.

Now they have legally declared this man Santa. They're not thinking that through when this guy dies Santa will legally be dead Is like if they pardoned the Thanksgiving turkey, but then the Thanksgiving turkey gave talks at high schools about the innocence project This week on cereal. Okay, you definitely did it. But the whole point is legally this is official. If a letter gets handed to you by a postal worker, you're that person. Yeah, right. No matter what.

Right. And so technically the judge is Santa Claus because they delivered the letters to his death. No, that's true. He did. Also, if I was a judge, I would have like a bass drum kick pedal, Gavil in case. All of the time. All the time. Maybe that's what he had. And I hate be a hell of a judge, I would have like a base drum kick pedal. Gavil in case all the guys have. I mean, that's what he had.

And he'd be a hell of a judge this. You know, you're more qualified than an awful lot of people doing the job at this point. Maybe that'd be enough to get you in heath. Okay. So then we have to get Doris and Santa wrapping up. She's like, Hey, would you like to come over? Ruckus, Missy, even he's like, I'm fucking Santa. You stupid bitch.

The one day you know I can't come. You're going to invite me. It's like, you don't want me there She's like, oh, yeah, cool cool. I hope you deliver stuff. No, stop following me. Stop Stop, you go which way you going? I want the next scene to be this guy getting arrested sneaking down someone's chimney right the Obvious conclusion to I think legally you have to let him in.

Now he starts with a Grinch. So okay, but then, all right. So Christmas Eve happens. Now we cut to the next day, it's Christmas day, and everyone's come to Santa's party at the retirement home where Santa lives. Even Mr. Macy's there. We get to see the X-ray machine he bought because the doctors like, oh, you're amazing Santa and literally

I spent 40 minutes being like, what the fuck is that dental chair? Like what is it? Because again, it was just a big wand filled with radium that you would like hold up to someone's face and be like, you've got milk leg. Yeah, Marie Curie is going to twerk against your face for 45 minutes and then I'll come in and see if you've got a tumor. So, but of course, everybody's super happy except little Susie who didn't get the polatial estate she was hoping for. So Santa comes over and she says, are you having a Merry Christmas Susie? And she's like, no, because you're not Santa, you're a full of shit and shame person. I don't have a house.

Yeah. And she ran into the scene. She sees the Christmas tree. She runs over to it and starts looking for a present for it. Like the house was gonna. Right. Like she's gonna unwrap one of those little boxes. Full size house explodes out and destroys the studio. Like fuck. What? But then mom explains to her, no, no, you have to have faith in Santa Claus because mom's come around now and she's not rational anymore. She says, and she says, and I quote, faith is believing in stuff when common sense tells you not to. So, you know, like insanity, but intentional.

Anyway, so they're leaving and Susan is trying her darned just to believe in Santa, even though that's a stupid thing that doesn't make any sense. But they're driving who the fuck knows? Santa gives them directions to somewhere. Do we know where they're going? They're going to part. He's like, he's like, this is how you'll avoid traffic. Oh, okay.

You know, around Long Island, wink. Right. So they all drive it together. And what do you know? They happen to come across the exact house that Susie wanted for sale. There's even a swing in the back. And now Doris and Fred have to get married because they're in a house together. And otherwise what would the neighbors say? They're going to buy it because their crazy daughter won't leave. That is the end of this movie is like, no, I mean my room. And they're

like, all right. I mean, to be fair, that house costs $3 right now. I got my pocket. Baby boomers haven't ruined the economy yet. So you want to buy this, maybe get three or four houses while we're at it. They come in a six packet Costco. And then Fred kisses her and that's really fucking sweet and Eli's made out of stone. And then we see that there was a cane in the house because he was actually saying of the whole time.

It does have blood on it. You think I had to beat the death, the old owners just to get this house on sale. So yeah, and then the floorboards. Oh, if you hear anything beating, just, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Fuck who drove Mr. Pacino to the goddamn set every way, but I'll spare you the 17 paragraphs and just say, thank you, Eli, for getting me a good movie to watch for Christmas. I, it's much appreciated. All right. You have a different viewpoint of this film than me.

We all learned things today. All right. So to close things off, I want to present you with the obvious question. When you consider the judicial system as it exists in this movie's universe, you can't help but wonder what case this judge has to decide next. So, uh, and he guesses. Well, this was already answered, obviously, in God's not dead too, when God was declared not dead. But since that's in the future, and we're talking about this judge, I'm going to guess that he went with, uh, whether the black maid gets to go free.

Well, I mean, again, Brown was the board of education. Wasn't for like seven years. So that's true true story. Yeah. True story. Maybe the case of is the clip real? I've watched that movie. That was not discovered ever ever.

What? And well that's gonna do it for a review of Miracle on 34th Street. That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to assure you that we're getting back to movies that are both religious and awful. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. So I figured we would start the new year with a bang. This movie is called The Message. And it is the Muslim approved movie about Muhammad. It's the biography of Muhammad about Muhammad without him in it. He's just off camera the whole time.

They is ever having POV. They never have him speak. He is everyone talks to him and his voice is represented by tinkeling bells. What? What? Wait, why? This is like the movie that Muslims are okay

with being about Muhammad because they never show Muhammad and everyone repeats back what he says. So it'll be like, and they'll be like, wow, Muhammad, what a wise thing you just said. Yes, we should all be kind to each other. Be literally. All right, you totally did it. Be literally. All right, well, with that to look forward to we're going to bring up one, bring episode 123 and this string of fucking Christmas movies to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to get yourself among the orange, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us to tell my living as five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on other various social media platforms.

If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows shows, the Skating Atheist, the Skeptocrat, and Citation Data, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesAtGmail.com, Legal Services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of PA Drataurus. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nick Avivil's Rafson Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen,

right, Neely, Bosnick, I'm an O'Lusions, promised to work harder a chuckier life this week for Heathen, right knee-lip, Boston Diamond O'oleusians, Promise to Work Hard to earn another chuck next week, until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Chris Kringle and eight innocent animals were killed in a ball of fire after a court ruled that he was allowed to prove Earth was flat using a reindeer-drawn rocket set. Miracle on 34th Street went on to win three Oscars and was nominated for Best Picture. Then spent 70 years in counting as a beloved classic and has currently ranked as AFI's ninth most inspiring movie of all time, Eli.

Christopher Walken killed Natalie Wood on a boat. Definitely not allowed to say that. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, absolute, you do not hire a lawyer 30 years later. Oh, there is no question. So you did it and then you murdered her on a boat. I'm not saying, I'm not saying he didn't do it. You're not allowed to say that he murdered her on a boat. He murdered her on a boat. All right, but it's a boat. I'm not saying I'm not saying he didn't do it. You're not allowed to say that he murdered her on a boat. He murdered her on a boat. All right, but it's a joke. Now, not who's there? Chris, we're walking, murdered on a boat. Natalie Wood. Not Natalie Wood, because she got murdered on a boat by Chris Walking. No reasonable person. He murdered Natalie Wood on a boat. It's not how it worked at all.

on a boat. Not how it worked at all. Welcome back to the game cast where each week we sample another selection for it. I wanted to sit. I heard that was it. It's going to be a good one. Morgan Eli got me a you heard about it on the bonus stuff, but Eli got me a weed advent calendar. And now I have to record game and me a whiskey advent calendar. And he has to record him to in Andrew got me a bottle of angels and be right. And it's four o'clock. So that's five o'clock elsewhere. And I've been I got up early. This is didn't I? I got up before 10. Well before. And you got me a really good bottle of rye that's God. So it's perfect. Winery. Christmasy goodness. Anyway, I just had a really dark moment where I thought you were going to end that with soothing. Oh, God, it's a soothing. Would that be dark? Yeah, man, there's not a reasonable thing to say. I'm gonna need you to read some choice

Put the demons to sleep shall we record our comedy podcast now? I just I start happy it makes me happier Why would I not want that? All right and and now we show I Literally didn't understand that he's supposed to be the bad guy. The teacher's clearly the bad guy. Didn't get it, didn't get it. I was like, literally, Anna was like, he's incredibly abusive.

And I was like, yeah, but he's a good drummer now. Where I was like, all right. So you stay 25 feet from our kids in the middle of 30. All right, we can jump back in. The goal is to make a drummer. Not to make a happy. Eli's live in a nutshell. All right, so.

The preceding podcast was a production of Buzzline, a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved. Alright, so the proceeding podcast was a production of BuzzWanth thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017, all rights reserved.