God Awful Movies - 124: Without Reservation

Episode Date: January 2, 2018

This week Noah, Heath, and Eli team up for an atheist review of Without Reservation, the story of a bunch of white kids with mullets rapping in the first five minutes of the film, and us wishing we were still watching that for the rest of the time. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And this memorial is the worst speech and Donald Trump is prison. You're all probably wondering why it hurts but when it hurts you gotta be sad. You can't not be sad about death. You gotta feel the pain. So let's all cut together. Come on, big bang sentence. I understand that. I don't know.

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rest the movie. I have notes, but I don't remember writing any of these notes beyond this rap that we're about to get to. Really, it's the first five minutes of it's all downhill after that in this. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the Super Bowl shuffle, but you fear that God will someday turn you away in heaven's gate You will love this movie because it is exactly a combo You know the Super Bowl shuffle had you know too much sick flow, but not enough racism. They fixed it. Yeah, right. Exactly.

Exactly. And they had like a Christian video at the end of the end of something. I don't know. No, okay. I want to point out two things right away. First of all, this is a, the first film in a trilogy, in the sense that these producers made two other unrelated movies and then later on called a matrilogy.

But, but the second thing is that that producer was Mars Hill. Okay. Right? Oh, and now for those of you who don't do weekly Atheist shows and read dozens of stories about church corruption every week, that might just sound like another church. Maybe they all just plead together, but this was the church that was founded by Mark Driscoll. The man's so sexist, they kicked him out of Christianity.

Right? All right. So, a couple of quick highlights on Driscoll that went Ted Haggard, the notoriously anti gay preacher had to resign after getting caught being gay. Driscoll wrote a blog about how it was at least partly his wife's fault for not sucking his dick better. In 2000, he went on the church's website under a fake account to agree with a bunch of his own posts and then ran about feminism and queers and pacified men and all kind of MRA bullshit. In 2013, Driscoe was the defendant in a lawsuit alleging mistreatment of his subordinates.

The charges included being arrogant, domineering and verbally violent, terrified to fight out. You can get sued for that shit. He like, I'm, I'm, I'm the hard on you. Some time. I know you have a son. I'm not a person. Tuthy Blow jobs. So much. Okay, so also in 2013, he was hit with a slew of plagiarism charges claiming his books were

basically cut in paces of other pastors work. He was also accused of using ghost writers and other people's research without proper attribution. He later apologized and said that the decade long pattern of behavior was a mistake. You know, one of those habitual lifelong mistakes. Chronic mistake. Yeah, exactly. And finally, and this one is my favorite.

In 2014, he published a book called Real Marriage that made it onto the New York Times bestseller list because Mars Hill bought almost a quarter of a million dollars worth of copies from bookstores and shit all over the country. Apparently, they were still bookstores this late as 2014. Pretty sure he was the only person ever formally stripped of the title New York Times best selling author. They remove his patch. Yeah, right. And now he resigned from

the church shortly thereafter citing, this is real concerns for his health and safety. Wow. And nothing to do with the plagiarism or the fraud. It was, you know, the sawdust was getting to him. I guess cornered cornered by three librarians. We don't take Conn later. Ben Brantley just walks behind him. Pink's a black dot onto his palm. Okay, so yeah, so that's who made the film and it's exactly as amazing as you would expect. And I was there to think you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at.

Yeah, best worst opening scene. Oh, you might have mentioned it. We might have mentioned it. He's the one didn't. And this is up against Gary Bucy murdering a family in a waffle house in the first five seconds in the last movie watch. Most of today's show and all future shows. Pretty sure it's going to be us reenacting the opening musical number from this movie.

We will get there. And by the way, if you were confused by the Gary Busy line, that's because you're not a patron and don't get the monthly bonus episodes where we review secular movies like this month's uh, well, last month at this point, uh, selection, which was ginger dead man with Gary Busy. Anyway, from the makers of evil, wrong people. So, exactly. Yeah, exactly. So I was going to go with best worst objections.

So like most of the church funded movies that we see, this is a movie about a bunch of kids who die and then some of them go to having some go to hell and they're like, gee, why wasn't I more a Christian or whatever. But at one point in this movie, one of the like the skeptical cynical kid is objecting to the idea that they're in heaven. And like, I mean, you know, I guess again, it's part of the whole Christian mythos that you have to pretend that even when presented with good evidence, we would still be like, no, no.

But like the kid is like literally the devil stand in front of them Pokemon with a fucking pitchfork and he's going I'm sure this is some kind of like swamp gas the lights coming off the swamp gas or something Bullshit, I need this under scientific conditions. I'm just Where's the control group? I'm gonna go with best worst system for checking if someone gets to go to Yes, I think I might have hacked this one. I think I might have figured out how to get past this. I'm hoping this is what they got going on.

The Apple too. Cause Tiger electronics handheld to get you into heaven. To E sir. Yeah. What's your name? Pat Robertson. Fuck, fuck another one. Yeah. Okay.

Well, as this movie makes abundantly clear, we could all get killed by a crashing plane at any second. So we better keep the break brief when we come back. I'm assuming we haven't died by then. We'll break down all the mullets that are without reservation. Okay. You guys ready to do our atheist rap? We'll break down all the mullets that are without reservation. Okay, you guys ready to do our atheist rap? Yeah, about that. Seriously?

Morgan, lay down a beat. No, no, you're supposed to go. Eli, I don't want to do your atheist rap, bro. Come on, got Morgan, you could cut off the beat. Come on, guys, it's ironic. It's ironic. It's not like we're trying to do. But the lyrics you wrote for us are super mean.

Thank you. What? No, they're not. They're self aware. My name is Noah and I go quack quack. I'm a week away from a heart attack. For example, I like it, right? Okay. First of all, why do I quack?

Why do you quack? Nobody listens to that show. And secondly, I am not a week away from a heart attack, bro. Okay. You told a lady who argued with you about Star Wars on Facebook that you hope her baby dies. It was for the baby's sake, but that is not the point. I think Heath wasn't super happy with the lyrics you wrote for him, either. Yeah.

No. Heath. Heath. Empty home doesn't even rhyme with diolone, but that's not even the point. The rhyming doesn't work, but also I'm, well, maybe, but still. Oh, he, he don't do this. Toblerone. I don't think that was the, the problem. My trouble. Let's not. What was about the Toblerone? Do you have

one? Eat a Toblerone Diolone. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start off with one of the most verbose and convoluted pre rolls in history. It says, and I quote, the following is an abstract representation of actual events and realities. So I was expecting the movie to be done in Cubism from this point out. Martha Graham just jumps out there in a devil costume. So yeah, all right, so we get that. And then the movie starts off with a blue screen while somebody tries to get the camera to work. And I couldn't tell if they were going for found footage or if this was just how bad their

cameraman really was zero seconds into this movie. They make a mistake because he goes, Hey man, the camera's not on and we're supposed to be hearing it through the camera. Yeah, right, right. Try your, the power button. How can we hear us then separate power buttons for audio and video? Did you turn on the dimensions buttons? Did you turn time on and lengthen with and depth? They're different buttons on this camera.

It's a weird camera. We fucked this up a lot. Yeah, so they finally get the camera on and then we're treated to a room full of 80s people. Oh. Now, I know this is made of the 80s, so it actually is 80s people, but it seems like a costume party,

like an ironic costume party making fun of the end. That's what I see. Like everyone in the room is either like Molly Ringwald or McGiver. It's one of the other. Everybody is one of those two people. Oh, it's rough. All right, so they get the camera on and we see all of these amazing mullets all at once. And then we realized that what we're getting is this is some kind of school function or

some kind of party or something. And the basketball team, the high school basketball team of people in their 40s, of our dad. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Are going to give us a quick rap. Well, quick is maybe an overstatement. No, not quick. It's 30% of this movie. And and by the way, it's a standalone

event, right? Like it doesn't relate to the rest of the movie in any way. Rest of the movie doesn't relate to it. At all, these basketball players are just like, Hey, we're going to do our musical number for you that we have rehearsed for hours. Oh, basketball players spend hours rehearsing their music. So, yeah. So they drop a sick beat and five white guys cross their arms together on stage. It should be legal for white people to cross their arms together on stage. Okay. It should go for white people to cross their arms. It should be in history, the not, the not, the not, powdery one, the one where your arms just you're giving yourself a hug.

It should be a little bit more than a little bit. Where you angle it. If you angle it more than like five degrees, it's a hit crime. Absolutely. Absolutely. 100% jail. Yeah. Also, when you say sick beat Noah, I'm pretty sure this is hip hop

three on the play school. My first keyboard is what there was actually. This is pretty fun. I used to, I used to wrap to this too in 1988 when I was seven. So yeah, so they're going to do this wrap. And this wrap goes on forever. Honestly, if this movie wanted to convince me that hell existed, they could have just added three more verses to this wrap. And I would have been like, Oh, I'm there. Yeah. Probably would have. I feel like Christ is my Lord. But you got a bit when they started wrapping how happy were you? Oh my God. Happy. And they start doing it. I was like, okay, 100% guarantee somebody's going to say, my name is whatever.

And I'm here. Yup. And they do. Like all of them do that. It's the greatest. Yeah, a little behind the scenes here is I had watched this movie when No was coming home from Star Wars, which he was very disappointed. And he was like, fuck, it's Star Wars sucked.

And I was like, uh, did Star Wars have a Mustang shumble? And I was like, well, let me tell you then, you're only been joining tonight's movie. You know what? Though I will say Star Wars suffer for the same problem of this movie. A blue it's load in the first in the opening scene. Yeah. The same basic problem.

Anyway. Yeah. So I mean, I mean, I will say there was nothing in the fucking last Jedi that was as good as this rap. But, but now I we should also point out like again, I can't emphasize how overlong this is each of the players on the basketball team is going to come up and say, my name is so and so and I'm here to say or whatever and have their little stanza. You would think that means we've got to sit through five of these. Maybe eight gets some bench players. And there's like 33 guys on this team.

A football team worth of basketball. Yes. Right. Brad Pitt line. We all get to rap too. Yeah. Absolutely. What about the like the support team? Yes. Okay. Time for JV and modify fight bring up the middle school of 30 year olds. Fucking weird. All right. So now Eli went to all the trouble of actually copying the lyrics of this entire

wrap into, oh, that was you. Wow. That was me. We're going to do the wrap is why that's why I have. So you and Eli are going to do this wrap. We're going to do that. When we're going to do this wrap, can I just do aoken word. All right. You can do it. However you want. That'll probably work out better than they did it. So drop a sick beat when when we're ready. You

got your Casio. I'm sure. I think we can just talk our way through it for the audience is sick. Oh, they are missing out. It's on Vimeo. Get on there, people. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But no, but we actually hear us seconds into the movie. Yeah. So yeah, so we start with a chorus here. Now, does anyone actually want to wrap this or can I just read it? Can I? Oh, you can just read it. Okay. the chorus, which we will get four times is we're the Mustangs. We aim to please no need to beg get off your knees. Already have questions. Right.

Right. I mean, they're a Catholic school. So I get it. And well, yeah, no, that's it. Yeah, no, it will strut our stuff just for fun, because we're the Mustangs, we're number, get hold on, hold on, wait for it. One, that's correct. Every word was just the next, like the first word it rhyme zone. Basically, and also the formula of this is they, they're not going to bother trying to rhyme the people's names. They've given each of them nicknames to make it easier to rhyme. Yeah, because let's be honest here, this first guy's name is Bill and there are zero rhyme. Nothing runs. But luckily they

call him the dude, which lots of things rhyme. Yeah, for example, I don't get angry and I don't get rude. Sorry. Then he goes, when I play, when I play, I play to win. So give me the ball and I'll stuff it in. And then the lady scream at the thought of him stuffing his balls in. And wish point out, this is not the last time this will happen throughout this little wrap. All of this is sexual in a you end up, all of it in this Christian movie is like, Hey, I've got a rod and a stuffing in your face. Don't you resist or I'll spray you with some mace. I was just like, no, I need you to make that slightly more basketbally and it's like, no, that's my.

Cause baby, it's cold outside. So next up, we have Carter. They call him the rocket. You don't have to pull his trigger. You don't even have to cock it. What? What? Like his, you don't even have to cock his trigger. Because yeah, good.

No, no, it goes on to explain. He's always a wreck. He's always a wreck. No, no, no. This is a black guy, by the way, they had some black guys in this. They're like, they definitely, it was, it was definitely all white guys at one point. And somebody was like, all right, we have a white basketball team doing a rap number hands up. If you know a black guy, anybody, no, a couple

black guys. That's how Star Wars did it, too, I think. Yeah. So next up we have Greg. He's made for speed. He runs so fast that he'll make you bleed. What? From the run because, well, because the soundbearer, he'll break the soundbearer as he goes by you and that will cause your nose to bloody. Oh, I don't.

I thought maybe he was doing paper cuts. He was just paper cutting people as you ran past real fast. I don't know. Oh, that's a dick move. That's right. That was fast. That was Greg. He's really fast. Oh, Greg. Yeah. So and he goes on after the bleed line. He says, so slow it down. So you all don't miss. And it goes a little something like this. Greg's rhythm is so bad. He almost physically trips himself during this round. He almost falls over because he can't go with rhythm. He's the whitest, whitest rapper that ever happened. Yeah. And yeah, and he was black too. I think, yeah, it, no, if it is possible to deliver those lyrics badly, he man was great black.

I thought it was black. Oh, he's made for speed. Heal bone. Yeah, no, he's the one that doesn't get a nickname too. So we get the chorus again. We haven't had enough of this apparently. So now we get to Ken. They call him the Joker.

He's quick upstairs. He's no slow poker. He's fast poker. He thought he was a slow one. Nope. Keep his mind. They're not like saddled with these kids actual nicknames, right? They could have made up anything at all. There wasn't like one kid whose name was orange that they had to work in there. They made up joke anyway. So but his, but his, his, his, so goddamn much worse. Forget, he goes forget your game plan. It ain't no use because I'll leave you hanging in a Joker's news.

Seriously, and this is a white guy. Is it a white guy saying that he's got, he's got the net of a basketball hoop hanging around his head and he pulls it clear. Like, no, this is hanging like, hey, should we cut the lynching reference? No, we got those four black people remember? Yeah, the castles out with the black people. They kept the news reference. Also, what is a Joker's news? That is not a thing.

No, I, I, I, that is just, he is just threatening to lynch people. Okay. But he put the word Joker in there. So it's life-hearted. I don't, I don't know. Yeah. The princess is news. So then we end up, okay. So again, moving on, there's still more team. The next fellow's name is Rod. He is no longer legal to abort. No, hi, oh, Rod is Jesus. Right.

Thank you. So Rod is also known as Dr. Doom. Don't mess with him or he'll lower the boom into the shot and you'll have to issue the whole fucking thing. I guess what? So I'll mess up room noise. Yeah. I'm a sailor. I was going for a sailor thing. It doesn't. It's swing. The boom swings. Oh, I just let's start over. Let me start over. Are we still rolling? Okay. I'm in rhythm. I'm in rhythm. Lower the boom. Yeah. I break. I roll. I, I did. Let's start over. Are we still rolling? Okay, I'm in rhythm.

I'm in rhythm. Lower the boom. Yeah. I break. I roll. I play with power. When things get tough, I'm the man of the hour. Well, done, sir.

Well, done, sir. And then we get out into the bench player lyrics. We start with Bob. They call him the breeze. He smooth his silk. He moves with ease. He also almost exactly has Gary Busy's Diction. The actor does. It's quite painful. He can turn it on like a hurricane. You know, when you think of things that can turn shit on and

off, your first thought is hurricane. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Please call Irene. So I can turn it on like a hurricane. I'll ruin your parade, like a driving rate. If you notice that the number of syllables doesn't match up here at all, well done. I bet they rhymed hurricane with hurricane and they were like, all right, what's, dammit. What's in her? There's a lot of though. I can and turn it on like a hurricane, you know,

just, yeah, I'll ruin your parade like a person from Spain. No, that would make the flag more sense though. You can't do that. That would make them jumping over babies and doing all kind of weird shit at Spanish braids. Yeah. No, that would be like you from the porch. I'll ruin your parade with the teaky torch. They like, they could have got something going. That was just a bit of time. I understand. So now it's time for chorus number three, but don't worry. There is a third set of stands. Okay. So now we get Leroy and Leroy, we should point out is the token gay of the team.

Yep. They are very clearly. they call him Mr. Spice. Some call him naughty. Some say he's nice. That's the best he could do for himself. Either way, they know I'm good because I leave them crying like I said I would. That felt very threatening. I was not. I turned off the movie in the 80s, we were afraid of the guys.

Oh, okay. Now, okay, this is my least favorite goddamn thing in the whole. This is ridiculous because number one, again, you could use any fucking rhyme that you want here. You're not stuck with this guy's name being spider. So you could have found something that actually rhymes with tighter or makes sense with the next slide. Okay, so here it is.

My name is John, they call me the spider. I'll trip you up. There's no one tighter. Like an ass, like he's got a really climsy. Well, he's trying to follow Leroy. Leroy's pretty loose at me though. You guys picture in a bear trap that's like an ass. You're just trying to follow Leroy. Leroy's pretty loose at me though. You guys picture in a bear trap that's like an ass. You're just trying to like, no, your foot off because there's an ass around it.

That's the picture that just came into my head. I don't know. At all times. Anything to keep me from picturing this scene. So he goes on, and this is what really pissed me off. I play it real cool. And then I spring when the spider strikes, you'll really sting like a spider. You know, spiders sting you, you know, float like a

butterfly sting like a spider and all that shit. Again, could have gone for anything. Now, okay, is playing it really cool and then jumping into action at desirable quality in basketball? Like I have seen a business great team called the Harlow Globetrotters. And they play against a team of plucky underdogs, called the Washington, George Washingtons. And they always win. And you get to root for the ones in the green jerseys. It's a lot of fun

But anyway, they play it real cool and then they spring but they're the villains right they're the villains No, they're not the They cheated basketball and they do them and it's their thing. Yeah, you're supposed to boo them You're supposed to be like boo Name a basketball rule that they cheat at run That is kind of a that they cheat at run You're close to throw confetti you're not a lot to throw confetti That's true a lot of the shit that they, they don't bother to have specific rules in basketball. I was like, yeah, you can't bring your pet peg on it. We didn't make a rule that you can't have there. Well, no, there is no rule that says a dog can't

play, but there is anyway, they should have had a dog rapidness. This would have happened fine. If airbud came up and did a verse, it would have been better than this next verse by Hector. Yeah. Hector was upsetting, especially because, A, he's the only Hispanic guy. And B, his first line is, I'm no home boy. My name is Hector. Interesting, Joyce. Should we put a racist? Well, let's put a racist Latino in. And then it's not racist. Yeah, exactly. But he's like a permanent. They call him specter. Get it. He'll steal the ball. He'll make you pay. When he's on the court, it's judgment day. Hector insisted on writing his own lyrics. He had a few verses about the tribulation.

I'm guessing that they had to cut. Yeah, he's not as boilers. the tribulation. I'm guessing that they had to cut. Yeah. We're not spoilers. Spoilers guys. Is that the Catholics who think the tribulate? No, that's the bad. That's the Protestant mostly the crazy American Baptists. Okay. Yeah. The other ones are not crazy. Well, the particularly the crazy for American Baptists. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So then, but yeah, that's, that's the first 93 minutes of this film. The rest of it is just basically a cool down after the rap. They do one more chorus. They rap it nicely. Well, yeah, no, they do. They do. They do wrap it up with a fourth chorus

in case we had not yet heard. We'll strut our stuff just for fun because we're the mustangs were number one enough times. And then everyone in the room loses their minds. Oh, yeah. The audience is fucking hot on this shit. Like Celine Dion doing the finale. My heart will go on rising up in the middle of the audience. That is the reaction that happens. Oh, they're throwing panties and shit.

It's insane. If Celine Dion did that with like Al Jolson and then a crowd of half black people started going crazy. That's what this was like. It was ridiculous. But nonetheless, greatest first scene ever. Oh yeah. It goes in glorious bastards. Vertigo this movie. 3 2 1. The first scenes ever. That's the my new list. So all right. Now the movie can begin. Again, this is that is unrelated to anything else that will happen except that the characters in this movie will now be people who were in that mostly people who were in that rap, right?

That was just character development. All right, so we cut to a car. Three buddies are sitting around trying to pick up a radio station, but they can't. It's all static. I'm like, oh, that's so much better than the rap. It's like that 70 show by high school improv team. This whole scene is kind of weird looking. Yeah.

And they just spend infinite amounts of time being like, your car is bad. You bad car, your car is bad. I don't like your car. Your car is bad. Bad car. You have a poor car. Yeah. And we also get our introduction to, I don't even know which character was the guy, the annoying guy in the back. Ken. Ken. Yeah. Yeah. So the guy in the front was at Bill. I think he's like, all right, our friends are taking forever. I'm going to go check it out inside, try to go get

him. And Ken does the first of many of these, like lines that don't make sense. He's like, good move, Sherlock. He just has these little phrases that don't make sense. He keeps doing it. It's going to be bad. Right, right. Exactly. It is though his lines are written by a speaking spell of 80s phrases. Yeah, I wanted all of his lines to be almost phrases like up high, down low, two for flinching. What? Well, you got your fucking wish, bro. It's, yeah, it's entirely mangled cliches that don't fit the situation for the rest of the movie. I thought it was going to transition into like racism eventually, like, you know, it's, you know, what to say about taking up the burden of the, no, hold on. Better late than Negro.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no of the, no, hold on. Better late than Negro. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no lady friend just failing the back deltest with every line they utter.

Oh, teen beat magazine just throwing her eyelashes several feet out from her head. It's very hard to tell what's happening. It's just two clouds of hairspray talking to others. Also known as the eighties. Yeah. So, yeah. So they're getting ready. They're taken too long. The guys in the car are pissed off because their buddy bills all obsessed with his new girlfriend. It doesn't want to hang out with them as much anymore. Yeah, he says, Bill has a real bad case of the Goo Goo eyes. And I just want to say you need one of those banker visors to prevent that. I mean, it happens, but you got to just be aware and get one of those and it takes

care of it. Yeah. So so finally, Bill's girlfriend comes out along with her friend. They're all going to jump in the car, fucking Ken in the back yells, Jumanji or whatever. Okay. Well, that's you. That's in con. People get what that. Great. Okay. phrase. I mean, you would say Jumanji in all different situations. I'm sorry. He just screams out non-sacquitter from the back seat.

Okay. Well, that's another guy. And I use that one. I want to say I was so happy. They get in the car and the girlfriend gets in the middle front seat, the middle front seat when cars were just for dying. Yeah. Right. Right. Backwind. Go ahead. No kids. Sleep on the, uh, sleep in the back window. You'll be fine. Was a thing that parents could not be arrested for say cigarette from you. Great. So yeah. So they joke around about how poor his car is a little bit. Um, and then they, they drive off to have a cavorting sinful good time. Now, this is where you would have thought that if this movie was going to have some hardcore

racism, it was going to show up when the white people were wrapping. But no, it's going to show up in the next few minutes, a few seconds when these characters show up at a stop site. This movie is like 22 minutes long, and it has more racism than the last six movies we've watched come by. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So these guys are going to do a Chinese fire drill,

except super racist, right? They're going to do Chinese voices on the way out. And for those of us, I mean, everyone here knows what a Chinese fire drill, but for those lucky enough, not to be born in a time where you could call things a Chinese blank and mean it in a way a Chinese fire trail Noah? Well, it's a damn shame that people who made this goddamn movie didn't ask me or they might have gotten it right. It's when you pull up to a red light and then everybody gets out of the car and they all have to run around back to the door that they

started in and get in before the light turn screen. That's how it's supposed to go. These guys pull up at a stop sign and just start running randomly and they couldn't have got it wrong. If they'd all just stepped out and played soggy waffle. Uh, well, it's, I don't know. It's not just that they run around because, well, right, I will admit having grown in upstate New York, I've done a Chinese fire driller too, and I have called it by that name, but I didn't do it with offensive acts. Yes. That's what these characters do.

They literally go, uh-oh, do you smear smoke? Oh, oh, oh, oh, and they start running around doing offensive Chinese accents around their car for like six solid minutes. Yes One of them starts putting on yellow face. It's like a whole Crazy And they still had Everybody's a kung fu fighting by the end of it. Why is it called a Chinese fire drill? What I was Chinese about it Chinese fire drill. What? I was Chinese about it. Just we were just back there because the building and they go back in it's very

wait what? Yeah, no, the building and they go back in again is the idea. Why Chinese people do that? Yes. What? It's based on I got really Google heavy into this because I had that question. I was like, wait, why is that racism? And so I got really it's like based on 10 and then fires is your joke about 10 and then citation needed next episode. Wow. Wow. I was just like, keep in mind that this was a decade where we could just unironically refer to like taking something back that you said someone could have as Indian giving. Yeah. Keep just think that one through for a minute. Yeah, keep just think that one through for a minute. Yeah. It's a better time. So we were great again before. Yeah. It's not offensive if you're

talking about South Asia. Only if you're, if you meet, even if you met Native American, it could just bought the fucking salt is all I'm saying. So, so, so the car pulls up while they're running around doing their offensive Chinese accents and everything. So they all jump back in their car and they drive off, but wouldn't you know what? There's a truck coming right then. So they all die. And credits.

I mean, I mean, honestly, we should make a Christian movie like that and put it on YouTube. It should like, like, like, like, that's the six minutes and then the kids die and just nothing happens. And then we have 58 minutes of credits. That would be amazing. I wonder how many they, we'd get a few of them at least. We get the news boys to do the credits. No question. Yeah.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I mean, as soon as their divorce hearings are done, those guys are pretty much free. All right. So now this is where we get to the abstract part of the film. This is where Mark Driscoll wanted to get artsy. So we moved to the kids. The kids are frozen in the crash moment, but they're in a driving theater that's playing static in space in space in a void of some

so in the abyss. Well, I mean, they're frozen for a second, but then Mary breaks that amount of frozen, doesn't she? Well, yeah, they clearly couldn't hold this for more than like two or three seconds. Yeah. Mary's reaction to this truck hitting them that T-bone them in the shot and then apparently did a weird, but he hit him in the front of the car based on the damage on this car. I don't know. It's a weird move that the truck driver made

the last second that we didn't see, I guess, whatever. So they're now in space. Just float in there and Mary starts just flailing wildly and shaking the seat in front of like she's grabbing in front of her and just shake it like it's like me taking a really enthusiastic shit. It's a reaction to being in space. Mary is doing her impersonation of every baby that's ever sat behind Noah on a plane. Yeah. So yeah, now Mary was and then Noah taking an enthusiastic shit.

Those are my most enthusiastic shits. Yeah, baby right there. Keep taking it. See what happens. So test me. Do it again. I'll turn the seat around. I love the last Jedi.

Didn't she? So yeah, now Mary, by the way, is the friend of Bill's girlfriend that was also in the car with them. She's freaking the fuck out having a panic attack because you know women, they suck it dying. And they start looking out the windows and they're like, wow, the car is hovering out in nothingness. You'll have to trust us on this because we couldn't think of way to shoot that. So he just looks out to when it goes, wow, there's just nothing down there.

It's just like a green screen with their all and everything's green. Yeah, we're doing something on what the fuck? It's just coming back. Everything's green. The cap is on there. Did you turn the power on the video? Maybe we're turning the off video off. We have the camera to this.

I just love the idea of them just having a guy in a green suit walking around. They just don't know. Pick and shit up. Whoa. All right. Now they look to the static screen that's in front of them. And suddenly it's playing flashbacky visions of their friends all finding out they're dead at the party. And this is where Noah realized that the basketball rap didn't

refer to the rest of the movie. No. I've just got my notes in like 53 point font. Wait, the basketball rap existed for its own sake. Oh my God. I feel like that was a condition of one of the kids. All right, I'll be in your movie, but I got a pretty sick rap. We'll do all 97 verses. And okay, so this is also where we meet. We very briefly meet George. I really wish we could have spent some more time with George. He's the kid, the big fat kid that has to tell all the other kids at the party that they, that those kids died. And he is so struggling with his monologue.

Oh, Jesus. So they, okay, so, okay, it's like a funeral telling you a story. Yes. And he's trying so hard to be it's like a two-wheel-cali-wheel story. Yes. And he's trying so hard to be sad, like acting sad, right? Acting sad so hard, badly. And honestly, it seems like he murdered them with the truck. That's how bad his ass had acting is.

It seems like Columbus about to have one more question for him. And I just want to say, I am not excited to see my death announced, right? I do not. If I'm going to get a preview of the podcast episode where you guys get on and they were like, look, he the belt slipped and he's wearing something. And even though it felt really good and it was totally safe to do and he would absolutely recommend it to anybody. She's no, no, no moving on.

Moving on. Yeah. Has your on. Moving on. Yeah. Has your calendar. So yeah. So the kid just struggles his way through this line for like 45 minutes. He never even gets to the end of it. Eventually the movie is like, okay, fuck George. I think they get it. So we cut back to the kids in their weird interdimensional drive in theater and they're like, fuck man, are we dead and can it refuses to accept that they're dead? He's sure that there's some rational explanation for floating in the abyss. I'm pretty sure we just got transported into a TV channel. It's the weirdest argument

they have. It makes no sense. Well, right, right. Exactly. It's like, well, maybe we just slipped into another dimension. It doesn't have to be some weird, like, dying. Yeah. There you go, man. There you go. So then we get another shot on the little static screen that they're looking at. This is a picture of the death DMV. Yeah. Now, at first, I thought this is super clever. Oh, they're in hell. It's the DMV. I get it. But no, apparently this is purgatory.

Well, if I'm running purgatory, the gate is definitely a crazy slow DMV. Like that makes, that's a good test. Like every time you get to the front, they're like, oh, you didn't get it. You got to fill out this other form. You start over at the back. You're just trying to keep me out as what it is. You're just, the vending machine only has those cookies that nobody buys on them. They're just that one round package that has two cookies inside. Also, I got stuck on the math here. So that we watch a woman go up to the front of the line and the guy who has an Apple two computer

who was supposed to think is Saint Peter. I guess. I guess is like full name. And she's like Janet. And he's like, he checks it on the computer and he's like, it shows up. Reservation not confirmed. I guess means she's going to hell. Yes. Right. And then she's like, okay. And she, he's like, go to the left and she goes to the left, which we're supposed to assume is help. But here's the problem. Janet's damnation. Her little session takes 30 seconds in this movie. Two people die a second, according to what I googled. So I feel like you're in that line for a really long fucking time.

I don't know how many people, how long that's been, but right. Well, very clearly though, this was just the line for white people having. Oh, absolutely right, because there were not like, yeah, heaven is what it's not. No, no need to be redundant. Well, but the, but the hell people are also in this line, right? So you would have expected by the Christian doctrine for there to have been a lot people are also in this line, right? So you would have expected by the Christian doctrine for there to have been a lot of brown people in that line.

But no, apparently they separate death by race in this, in this universe. And we are just looking at the white people line. Yeah, there were no non white names. No, no, no, no, we see the list at a certain point. And there's no. It's all Chad. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. There's certainly no Asian surnames in there anywhere. So yeah, the lady didn't call ahead to confirm her death reservation. So we go back to the kids in the car and bills like, oh, shit, this is, we're dead, guys. This is going to be the heaven how line.

And Ken's like, oh, fuck you. No, no, no, that's all a bunch of bullshit. And he's like, okay, can you explain what's going on? And he's like, in a way that's not less stupid than Christianity. Yes. Yes, I can. I don't know. Dude, Ken, what do you think is happening? Fucking tickets for Star Wars. They're making it hard to get in these days. Also, I'm sorry, but okay, so like, and we have to emphasize the fact that St. Peter is working off an apple to E. What did heaven do before 80s computers? I mean, because like, obviously, they don't have future computers. They wouldn't be using a monitor that was like deeper than it is wide.

So did they just, did he just have a book before that he had to look up all the names? Super inefficient. Super inefficient. Or is there like a transfer date, right? Like did they get one every time a newer kind of computer comes out? So like you finally get to the front of a line that you've been in for like a thousand years. Oh, we got to do an update. like you finally get to the front of a line that you've been in for like a thousand euros. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, we gotta do an update. The new Apple desktop is out. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna set it up. It's so exciting. The guy in the Apple store was so nice, he bruised his own beer. I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know, they were really cool. Enter Apple username. What is it? It's GOD. What's the password? What's the password? Zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one. No, not that. Hold on. It's broke. All the computer. It thinks it's 1900. What's happening? Why would the computer think it's 1900? This doesn't make sense. So, so there's

sitting in the car and bills like, yeah, no, no, I got what's going on here This is the line to determine who goes to have in her hell Which is determined entirely by your belief in Jesus and nothing else Very important and Ken's like no, I don't know and then Mary panic attack girl in the back seat just like no No, that makes sense. I heard some guy say that once She's just like, no, no, no, that makes sense. I heard some guy say that once. I don't know why they felt they needed to color that. They were, she was like, no, I went on a ski trip once and a guy was like, uh, Jesus,

but and we were like, you're weird to be on a ski trip. And he was like, yeah, this is my. Well, and also Ken points out, he's like, hey, you know, look, I mean, we saw the computer and everything, but there's nothing about this, this specifically Christian, we could be in Jew heaven or Muslim heaven. And I'm like, no, that's actually a good point. Ken is actually making a pretty solid point here. And it was like, get the fuck out of the car.

Jew lover. Yeah. But let's check if it's Muslim heaven. How are the chairs? Are they made of gold and super uncomfortable looking? Yeah. Yeah. It's Muslim Muslim. We're in Muslim. It's a lot of reasons a lot of disappointed teenagers holding razor. So Ken's had it up. Ken needs to get the fuck out of the car, but of course there's just

space below him. I feel like you're dead, right? Just step out, just find out what's below you, you know, what's going to happen. Um, steady like surf sun top of the car like teen wolf. Yes. At least start peeing or something like test it out, right? Exactly. It just like flies back in your face no matter what direction. Oh my God, it's, it's, we're in the void. Yep. We are the gravity. Fuck. Um, so yeah, so he climbs on top of the roof to think for a little while. And this leaves Bill and the driver. That's a John sitting up front together and John's like, uh, Bill, man, if you knew that this was going to happen, why didn't you try to force

your religion on me every single time there was silence? And they're like, I'm so sorry that I didn't do that, dude. So sorry. Okay. Yeah, I mean, that's crazy, but also it's like a valid point. Like Christians who aren't insane street preachers are withholding assholes. Absolutely. I could die any minute, literally any minute.

My heart is not good. My born again cousin is a giant dick for not following me around everywhere. Yeah. No, and that's the sad fucking thing, right? Because the whole point of the narrative is to create a narrative where even if all of your friends hate you and are sick and tired of you and wish you would shut the fuck up for once, you still have to keep going because in your stupid ass narrative, that's the only fucking thing that matters. Yeah. The problem with Christianity and a nut

show. But Bill just couldn't find the time to work that into conversation. Sorry, he's just like, hey, I was always just like, you know, maybe like you'd make a good save during football season. I'd be like, you know, who else is saved? I really just moment was never right. Well, and then it, but Bill's like, well, I just didn't think you'd want to know about Jesus. And John's like, well, I wouldn't have. I would have been really angry at you and told you to shut up.

But that's not the point. You still owe it to me to preach and evangelize constantly no matter what. Yep. The message of this goddamn movie. Yeah. I love the giant line though. It's my favorite, like the way they set that up. Like I want to see it commercial now for like a Samsung atheism phone. We're like, just like Eli walking the other way past the giant line, like I'm finally a

piece with Samsung. You guys have a phone up there? You don't even know. I'm headed to just like it was like before you were born. Samsung. All right. Well, if there's one positive thing I can say about this movie, it's that it's 25 minutes long. So we're already due for a break. But first, let me give let's call it act three, the hard sell. Will God send four children to be tortured internally and hell before this is over? Can they possibly have done anything hell worthy by the age of 16?

Does anyone in Christianity know that they're rooting for the bad guy? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the stuff you already know is going to happen in the conclusion of, without reservation. Your full name? It's Joseph Schmenderson. All right, your reservation is confirmed. Step to the right.

Awesome. Okay, I get to go to heaven. Hi. Hi, full name. Joseph Schmenderson. But the last guy was Joseph Schmenderson. Nope. That's I'm Joseph Schmenderson.

No, no, the picture doesn't look like you at all. Yeah, old photo. So I go right. Yeah, that's where heaven is. I got some heaven in to do. Sure. Sure. Excuse me, are you just,

you sure you're not just trying to get out of going to hell where you belong? What? Me? Good old Joseph Sanderson. I would shiver. Shmenderson. Right. That's me. You said it. So that's two people now that agree that I this is not going to work. Sir, we have other ways of knowing. Oh, okay. Well, I don't have my D on me right now, but I am Joseph Shmenderson. sure we all watched you jerk off while you were in line

It was a long line And we're back for more of this shit We're gonna start off this scene with an extended you're looking at static and now you're not sequenced you're looking at static and now you're not sequenced. Indeed. It was like, they're like, hey, you guys want to stop talking and watch the static for a minute. It's caught five. All right, let's take a five. Yeah, we watch a static montage.

A static montage is in the film. And okay, so now we get to this little, this is where I guess they thought they were getting creative. They've got a little cross cut here. So on the one hand, we're watching this like hazy memorial for these kids on a basketball court. And at the same time, we're watching those same kids walk through the heaven line, right? And this memorial Memorial is the worst speech. And Donald Trump is president. Like, you're all, you're all probably wondering why it hurts, but when it hurts, you gotta be sad. You can't not be sad about death.

You gotta, you gotta feel the pain. So let's all cut together. Come on. I understand that. I don't know. Oh boy, he just told me to vamp. Come on. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, boy.

He just told me to vamp. It gets worse as it goes to, especially because we never established whether they're in a secular or religious school. But before we can get to the really bad parts of that, we have to go to Ken. Ken's in line. And again, we have to go to Ken. Ken's in line. And again, we have to emphasize this. The method here is that St. Peter, the bureaucrat just says, what's your full name? That's it. There's no, you know, biometrics or anything like that. So Ken comes up. He's like full name.

He's like, uh, Kenneth Lane Johnson. I'm sure I'm the only Ken Johnson in the world. Your computer should have me just nice and easy. You know what they call me the Joker? Oh, yeah, says you're a, says you're quick upstairs. You're no slow poker. Yeah. Okay. Kenneth Lane Johnson. You're a basketball player. Great. Great. Also, I like that Heaven uses, there's a little picture and I like that Heaven uses your headshot. Yes. Yes, apparently they get your yearbook pictures. I want us to find out that the guy at the front was like a super angry black guy at the

computer for Ken. Be like, hey, any chance you remember wrapping about your role in a lynching? Was this you? Because after the slow poker thing, you said Joker's news. Is this you? No, nope. That's a different candidate Lane Johnson. What's a Joker's news? Explain that. Which lives matter to you. Explain all those types of lives that matter to you. Ken Johnson is like a Chinese fire drill. You know,

All right, I'm going on break. Hold on one second. Let me get who? Also, if they get your yearbook picture, does that mean when I get to the line, he's going to be like, name and I'm be like, Eli Bosnick and he's like, whoa, you got fat. You're like kind of an handsome kid when I was a lot of stress and my dad died and I just like, eight, eight, eight, because he was a big exercise guys I was just like well I'm not gonna exercise now and he's like yeah like seriously I thought it wasn't you I know I know this is not possible can I go to help this is hell it's just me

to the marveling at what happened to your body when you look up my dad is he here what's your last name Bos Bosnick? Yeah, he's here in hell. Yeah. So, okay. So Ken goes to how Mary, the panic attack girl, she's in line. Her reservation is also not confirmed. She too, and all of a sudden, they're not like, you know, go to hell. They're like, step to the left. Yeah. Right. I wanted the whole thing to turn into like the Chinese restaurant episode assigned felt here, like some guy walks past the line and just like goes right into the right. Like what the fuck? The guy just like past love it. Oh, that's Mr. Cohen. He always always. Yeah. Try to slip the guy 20. He just like balls through a trap door. 20 gets taken.

So yeah. And again, throughout this whole thing, we're getting this memorial at the school. And I'm wondering the whole time, how long is it going to take that memorial to turn into a religious thing? So it was this long. This is the boy where she's like, now keep in mind, y'all, those kids, uh, death is not the end. They've graduated to a better existence. If you think about it, being dead is the bees knees, children. Come on, everybody drink your cool aid. Aliens will come just get one lady. That's weird. That's like ordering an Uber ex just for yourself.

So yes, so Mary gets to the front of the line, he's like full name and she gives her full name. He's like, yeah, you're going to hell too. Yeah, her full name is Mary and Snavely. Like you had to know your name's evil. Yeah, right. Yeah, like you Snavely, you're pulling a hell. You have to know that, right?

Really? Full name, please. Jesus, Harold Christ. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Damn it. They don't figure this out. This is a fake idea. What's your sign? Ah, Capricornote. Fuck, Libra. It's not clear. Some people say September and December is the death. Yeah. So then we also see, I guess holding cells for hell.

Right. They go down and like freight elevators. Yes. Yeah, where they have all the various cages for the hell people. We just, we watch one of them. I think it's Ken. He's just like feebly jumping and smashing into the cage to try to get out. It's so good.

Yeah. It's like Eli trying to get the attention of a barista. Clearly it's like annoying detailed order. Hi, I'm so sorry. Soy, right? Soy, look, lock eyes with me. Lock eyes with me, right? Because you work here. So you're not like amazing. So boy, right? Leaning over like three deep people, Starbucks, getting pushed back. people and Starbucks getting pushed back. Those sprinkles are not orderly. Let me do it. I'll just, let me just reach over. I work with this Starbucks for almost two and a half months.

So I'm a little bit of an expert, little picky. Get off me, get off me. That's a salt. Putting your hands on me as a salt. This is trespassing, but that's a salt. So who's the villain? The glow that you are, salt. This is trespassing, but that's a salt. So who's the villain? And below the evil whistle, you know I have an Eli whistle for this.

Remember what happened last time? So no, I think it's worth emphasizing too, by the way, that as we watched, as we watched the four children in this movie being dragged off to their hell cages, that the guy who set up this system is the good guy in their religion. Right? Starifying. Jesus.

So we watch all of them. They're going to hell. Again, the memorial thing's still going on. And I'm thinking of myself because I'm looking at they've got all of the kids pictures up in the memorial. I'm like, that would be the worst thing about dying in high school, right? Whether you would have been memorialized with your yearbook picture. And then is it me or does she go a little rogue in her after life speech? Right? Now, does not a death but a beginning? And we should all know that when we look forward,

we look outward. We all speak within the mind of Umarang. Oh God, the telecom prompted broke. I don't have a mark burned onto my arm now. Don't worry about it kids. It burns. Come back to the gym. Yeah. And seriously, the title of the speech is, death is only the beginning. Don't be

Jewish. But that's what I was talking about. Okay. I'm going to raise your hand if you're Jewish. Great. Great. I see a few. There's your targets. Everyone saves them. Save them. Your hand was up. We'll pass around some stuff. You can wear somebody knows where you are. They can save you. You're welcome. You're welcome. Here's some badges. You get gold stars. All the Jews get gold stars. Also, if there's a secondary message, it is the dead kids are the lucky ones. They don't have to sit through this memorial. Right. And then the memorial ends and everyone

starts clapping. Are you supposed to clap after it? You'll be cheering. I don't know. You want to have good applause. And it's clear that these actors don't know if that's true or not. Because the applause are just like, pfft.

Right, it's that one guy at the end of the movie that's like, oh, we're not clapping. I thought we were clapping still. Sorry, I thought. It's like a circle of nuns. They're just holding up like a plaz sign. I don't shirwing. This is, I guess, I don't. There's a feel weird. You know, right?

Okay. Now we've got to check in with the boy who lived and the girl who lived. So we cut to the girl who lived through the rack. The one that was in the middle seat that Eli was so worried about turns out that was the safest place. Yeah, exactly, exactly. That sea belt didn't hold her in that death trap. She got thrown into the truck and then landed softly on the chair inside the cat of the truck. That makes perfect sense. So yes, so she's sitting alone in the cafeteria. Wishing her friends weren't dead.

Just all self-absorbed this can be. You know, looking out the window thinking about your friends and how I get it. And then the boy, the other, the other kid who lived through it, he also shows up and he is also not over the dead friend's thing, but not to the degree that she isn't over it apparently. Right. Like she wants to go like, I know you lost all your friends, but I lost my friends too first. So I'll be the one complaining. You'll be the shoulder. Okay. And she's, she does this thing where it's supposed to be like, I can't believe they're gone. And she goes, I have to remind myself that my boyfriend is dead. Sometimes I get home and he, I think to myself, he hasn't called me today and I wrote

my notes. Typical women, mad at you for not calling him. Jeff is no excuse. Yeah. She's all like, like, yeah, I go to my locker and I forget that he's not going to be there. It is the big problem with teens getting tragically killed in car accidents. The remembering that that happened. Like it just sneaks back up, but that's the problem.

Yeah, right. No, it's like a, it's like a memento kind of. It seems super confused about why tragic deaths are bad. Yeah. I just want to point out though that she's dealing with the very real pain of death and religion is unable to comfort her, even in their movie, right?

So let's, you know, let's just be clear about that. But the survivor guy, he has to tell her about Jesus quick before it's too late, right? He has to hold like, you know, Mary, well, not Mary, whatever the fuck her name is. Like, there's something important I have to tell you about. And you're not going to like me. And I'm not going to have any friends because I'm going to say this shit all the time, but it's okay. It's worth it because you won't go to hell is the point of this movie.

And he so does the like I was just waiting for talk thing. She's like, yeah, I miss him and I don't know if I'll ever be holy again. And he's like, right, that all sounds bad. So how do you feel about Jesus? For some reason, I wasn't expecting the Jesus thing. So he's like, I'm going to say something and I'm I'm worried that it's a little hard to ask and I was like, is he just going to be like, so you fuck? I was really. So you're not taking bill anymore. I obviously feel kind of awkward. It's about Jesus Christ. I thought you'd be like gross. I thought you're going to take your dick out. What?

You're the worst. Take your dick out. Also, he totally fucks up the James Bond thing. He goes, it's about Jesus. Jesus Christ. You know, in case you didn't know which Jesus he meant, but still it should be Christ. Harold Jesus. Jesus. Why? Peter walks by. Yes. It's a list. Also, we have to point out and you should expect this at this point that these two are not

like spectacular, thezbians through this emotional moments. Nope. Both of these actors are accidentally beaming with smile. Yes, they are. I'm in a movie. Yeah, it's like a little kids that got like told to do a skit during a class and they're just like cracking up the fact that they have to talk about it so well.

All right. But now before we can wrap this thing up, we have to explore the 10 to 20% of people who don't go to help. So we cut to Bill getting his name typed into the apple to eat. His name, by the way, William Bennett Parker. I'm sure he's just the one. And also, by the way, he has the worst hair of anyone. He has the most ridiculous 80s, mallet hair. I feel like that was a measure to get into heaven. But he gets to step to

the right. They're like, uh, yeah, no, you're good. You're good. You were a member of the right religion. You get to go to heaven. So it goes to walk off and he's like, oh, I'm sorry, can I check something real quick with you? Can I check on another reservation? And he's like, uh, sure, why not? There's only a line of six trillion people behind you. I have plenty of extra time. I'm the guy behind him in line, by the way. I'm that guy, every fucking thing. Oh, can I also check? Like, when I went to fucking see Star Wars, and there's like three minutes before the fucking movie started And I got to sit in behind a lady going like is there swearing in jumanji? I have children I shit you anyway. Oh God. She's like go out for 15 minutes about that line

I forgot my 80 fucking piece I would a password I forgot my 80 fucking piece. I would have passed her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no that should star wars. You know what's where words I know. Oh shit. But so Bill her tips, Jake Black. So, um, so yeah, Bill has to check and see if Allison has a, a heaven reservation, the Allison being the girlfriend that survived. Right. But she's not on the list. No, he's not, he's like, he's like the girl who gets in the club, but the ugly friend gets left outside because he's like, all right, in the club, but the ugly friend gets left outside

because he's like, all right, I'm gonna have an cool, but can you check for me? Yeah. And I'm gonna, and I'm gonna, and I'm gonna, feel like you should have been more happy about it. Just like, all right, I'm gonna go get a prostate massage from like seven angels, wait, wait, and then we find out, in fact, yeah, that just at that very moment, as he was checking the reservation, no, no, wait, and then we find out in fact. Yeah, that just at that very moment

as he was checking the reservation, no, no wait, she just accepted Jesus like this second. So we're good. And he's like, fuck, I was just about, all right. Well, right, cause what was his goddamn plan? He's got here, her high school boyfriend is gonna wait for 65 years in heaven for,

she's just show up 60 years later, all grandma out and thrice married he's gonna be like remember me and she's like not really. You know, let me see if you've been going for 60 years. I'm hanging out. My prostate is super super, um, not inflamed actually. So, so okay. And then I also have to point this out just in terms of cinematography,

how ridiculous this was because we're in the cafeteria with Allison and the other kid who didn't die, right? And they'd go for the long pan out, but they can only get so far away from them and they don't really know how this is done. So they pan way back and then just awkwardly stop for the last four seconds of the shot. Anyway, if you're a fan of like cinematography, this one will crack you though fuck up. And then we go to a list. So when we saw the list of different people like confirmed would show up in blue, but not confirmed would show up in red. Right, the blue are they're going to heaven, the red are going to hell.

So it shows start showing this list of all the different white people names and which ones are going to have it and which ones are going to help. And I just want to point out that even by their own metrics, yeah, basically three quarters or more people go to hell. That's a good system. All white people names, why? Cause Chinese people don't have cells, fun facts. Yeah.

Hahaha. And then, and this, by the way, they show this list for a really long time. They're clearly trying to make that 25 minutes giant annoying line. Absolutely. I wanted the guy to be like, all right, hold on. I just got an email from Anna Kornikov or something. I'm going to open this email and my screen froze. Fuck hold on. Hold on. Did you check unplug the router unplug the router. Plug it back hit refresh if it's it and it's just an all Russian names plus the Trump family. Yeah, right. And then the movie closes up by literally dedicating itself to all the kids who die and burn in hell is a warning to the others.

Literally, they are, did the film is dedicated to kids who died in a car crash, who the makers of this film believe are in hell. Yep. Specific kids. Yeah, right. Not just like in general, but these kids who are pretty sure are burning in hell right now is who we made this movie for. Imagine calling those parents, hey, so we actually dedicated our movie to your son.

Wonderful. I can't wait to see it. Yeah, we got you a couple of tickets to the premiere. We really hope you like it. What's it about? Don't worry about it. There's a basketball rap. A lot of fun.

Can I come to the church? Did you announce homosexuality? No. about it. There's a basketball rap, a lot of fun. Can I come to the church? Did you renounce homosexuality? No. Okay. Well, that no. You can't, you know, so I love to. So we get it. We go into the credits and they have, instead of having music, they just have all of the, you should really evangelize to your friends, lines, echoing over the credits. Remember, remember earlier when the dead guy was asking his buddy why he didn't evangelize to him or y'all remember that? Maybe that should be a takeaway here. All right, well, if there's one thing this movie taught us, it's that the Christian afterlife

needs a much better system for figuring out who goes where. So we're going to finish up tonight by helping them out. If you are in charge and you're allowed to ask the people in line only one question to figure out whether they should go to heaven or hell, what is your question? All right. I was going to go with, do you go to the gate before your row number was called on an airplane, but I'm going to go with team Iron Man or team captain America. I think it really divides the good from the bad.

If it's based on the air blind thing, I am, I'm Christian. Like whatever religion, if you go to hell for standing up early and just crowding around that fucking gate, that's perfect. That's better than any system. It's better than your bed where it was a perfect straight line of glory. Oh, because that's a lovely country. It country of orderly people. Yes. All right. So Eli stole my answer then or I'm going to I would steal your last answer, but I'm also going to say, do you prefer Oxford commas or lakes of fire?

I did the action. You can go one of the other. All right. Heathson charge. And while that does of the other. All right, heathson charge. And while that does it for you of without reservation, that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to leave you on a cliffhanger. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. It's the next in the trilogy.

Future tense. More Mars Hill. Hell yeah. So without to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 124 to one merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors we're gonna bring episode one 24 to one merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to cut out yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation

at patreon.com slash God awful and thereby earn early access to every episode. You can also help us to tell by living in some five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating aides, the skeptic rat and citation needed, available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies at gmail.com,

legal services for the spot guests are provided by the Law Offices of P.A.D. Retourers. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, Nick Lievel, Travis On Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, all was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week.

For he then write N.L.I. Boston, God I'm no illusions, promised to work hard during another chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. hard to earn all the chuk next week until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Bill went to heaven and met some Nazis who found God right as World War II was ending. Huh, Christianity was super convenient for them who wouldn't. The fat kid who told everyone of the party about the car accident is still finishing his god damn sentence. He lie, made it to the front of the line, covered in his own poop.

POOP! That is the best way to get to the front of ANY line! True! True story. That ends wearing a jumaji. They can't... If you quiet down when the usher tells you to, they can't keep you out of the movement. He's saying whatever you want so you get the first one. The preceding podcast was a production of Buzz on a thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2017,

all rights reserved.