God Awful Movies - 125: Future Tense

Episode Date: January 9, 2018

On this week's episode, Eli, Heath, and Noah offer up an atheist review of Future Tense, the story of a person listening to a mix tape about Jesus; and, as if that's not bad enough, telling us about his dream. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And he's supposed to be the reasonable Baptist Christian who knows all about the apocalypse and shit. He looks like you could grab his face and mold it into a different face. And not only that you could but that you should. Right, you could pull down the cheeks and he'd be Winston Churchill and he'd be like, that's a fun thing, right? And that's a thing. Do Nixon.

I don't know. I don't know what a problem. No, no, no. Stop. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be And he's that right. He's welcome back, sir. Thanks Noah. Sorry. Just reading a pop up bad. I can increase the size and endurance of my button with this one simple trick. Cool. I'm going to click on this. Yeah. No, by all means by all means. And while you're doing that, I'll introduce this other fellow sitting 81 miles to my right.

That would be my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am ready for yet another inappropriate musical number, Noah. Good. Good. We're going to make you wait for this. We're going to make you think you're not going to get one, but then you're going to get one. So tell us, Heath, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched future tense. It's the story of what would have happened if Quentin Tarantino suffered a head injury, got born again and started making Christian apocalypse movies that have disjointed narratives, but for absolutely no reason. Yes. It's pulpit fiction. Well done, sir. Well done. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved

loan stars, I'm already there, but you wish it was a hellfire threat, you will love this movie. It's a 50% hello, mother, hello, father, 50% that guy yelling at you on the subway. All right, you went a little too obscure with references for me to laugh along, but I'm sure that was some funny shit. Now, technically, this is the second film in a trilogy, the trilogy that we started last week, but not in the sense that it had anything to do with the last movie, just that this production company happened to make three and they're like, that's a trilogy, right? Yep.

But I started thinking maybe it actually is a trilogy and we're just not tuned in enough to Christianity to get it. So it's wondering if either you guys had any fan theories on the like extended universe that connects these two films. Oh, dad is the truck driver that hits the kids in the first movie. We don't know what he does. They don't say no, you're right. Good point. He looks sinister.

I'm thinking there's a tie-in with footloose and leap. Oh, I'll explain when we get there. I but there's a moment early on early on in this movie. Maybe you can think of it right now where it seems like both of those movies are also happening in the same place. All right, talk about building suspense. Oh, and speaking of building suspense, I have a quick apology that I just got to jump about to apologize to the listeners two weeks ago. We announced that we were gonna be watching on the whole like what's on deck thing. We announced that we were gonna be watching

a Muslim movie called The Message, and then we ended up not watching that, or at least not reviewing that. We watched it. It was just three hours of dudes talking about what the off camera, Muhammad just said and how smart it was. So, and like, so there was no way we were going to be able to fill a show about it. So we pulled the laid out of it. We switched to the evangelism trilogy. But since we made that decision after we had recorded the previous episode,

a few of you who like to watch the movies along with us, watch three hours of people talking about what an off camera Mohammed just said and how smart it was for no content reason at all. So sorry about that. Yeah. Sorry. For the record, we don't recommend that you watch the movie.

The whole point is that we're supposed to watch them for you. So you just kind of brought that on yourselves. And for those that missed it, here's the only joke I had in three hours. Those Tinkley bells are stupid. There you go. I have a lot of jokes about the Tinkley bells, but that was the thing is that I was just like, wow, I like to Tinkley bells. I don't know. I can stretch that shit for an hour. All right. So back to this movie. Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I would. I'm going to say best worst running.

Yeah. We've seen Gary Bucy run. Gary Bucy run and try to stop, which is just fantastic. But the running, at one point, a little kid runs across an airport. And it's like, it's like he was from an alien civilization that only has walking and only has two dimensions and somebody just showed him running and death and he's freaking out. Like a blind person just saw light. So you ever see someone run so weird that you're like, I want to kick their ass, but then they're doing it for you. You will love his name. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, no, it was, it was hard to believe that when the main character started running, he wasn't doing that shit on purpose, right? He wasn't like, you know what, fuck these guys, dad made me be in this movie. They're going to have me flailing around like I'm getting electrocuted. All right. So I, I had this really irked me more than it would probably irk almost anyone, but I had best worse understanding of how studio recording works. I'm always nitpicking about audio shit and sometimes I know it is, it is truly nitpicky, but a big chunk of this movie takes place in a recording studio.

If you've got access to a recording studio, you probably have access to somebody who knows what those buttons do, right? I mean, they were going out of their way to piss me off with way. He was like shoving the mixer inside the fucking recorder like trying to get the tape. It was, it was a painful thing to watch. The movie has audio. Somebody had to do that. Someone knows how this works. I saw mistakes in this and for the first year of our show, and this is true, my mic was facing the wrong direction. That's a hundred percent June. You used the early episode. My mic is face the wrong direction. That's a hundred percent June.

You said early episode. My Mike is facing the wrong direction. And finally, we all recorded together and I was like, why are you doing that? And I was like doing what? And he was like, oh, hey, are you putting that inside of you? Don't do that.

What? I'm going to go with, and this is a tough one for all the movies you've watched, but best worst fake crying. The fake crying in this movie isn't even like sort of laughing. It's just like someone had one second, is someone drove by them in a car to describe laughing. It's just like the shouting, shouting, but it's God.

That was nothing. It's not going to help. And the thing is, it's almost like they recognize that that's going to be Eli's best worst and they build to it, right? Because like right away we get some bad fake crying and then we get worse and worse fake crying as we go. There's, there are four instances that I can think of of a fake crying each rumor ridiculous than the last.

All right. Well, I know this movie's short, but it's shot full of stupid. So we're going to keep the break brief and when we come back, we'll dive in all the dire gremlin warnings that are future tenants. Hello, welcome to Typical mattress buying experience. How much of my chest there can you see? Um, a lot, a lot. You are uncomfortably stereotypical.

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sold on the Casper. Excellent. Start sleeping ahead of the curve with Casper. Get $50 towards any mattress purchase by visiting Casper.com slash awful and using the code awful at checkout, terms and conditions apply. Okay, just add a curiosity though, who would deliver one of your mattresses? Oh, angry delivery guy who like hangs out at your house for a while after he drops it out. Okay, gross. Like a while. A while. Hi, Kyle, come on in.

Hey, Mr. bars. Hey, Eddie. Hey, how's it going? Have a seat. Kyle, it's about the script for future tense. So she's just love it? We do. We do. And we want to say again, you did such a great job on without reservation the last movie. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. No problem, but we noticed that whereas you began

without reservation with a musical number, you ended future tense with a music video. Yes, yes, I did. Right. And so we were just wondering, I mean, the Jesus stuff is all great. Yeah, praise name. Love that. Yeah, praise his name. But we just, we just wanted to make sure. Chad on the track. We just wanted to check. Just checking. Is there a music number at the beginning or the end of the next Christian hell warning film that you're writing for us? No, no, 100% not.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, no, great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great.

Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. No, because the whole thing is a musical. Oh, damn it. A whole thing. You know, to use a mixer? Yeah. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're gonna start this off with Georgia the Jungle title font followed by a city skyline. Yeah, there's like ominous music and then the wacky font

for the day. Like boiling webdings. Zero seconds into this movie and it's confused about it. Right. City filled with people who are going to hell. Also, there's this panning shot of the city and it's very clear that the person was just holding the camera in his hands because it goes, it's just like it. I can't afford a trackpad. I'm just saying.

Yeah. Well, it's trying to pretend like it's a tracking shot, right? So we're seeing the city skyline, but it's actually just a guy spinning nauseatedly in a circle. Yeah, oh god, it's yeah, like we're 18 seconds into this movie and I have to pause and get off the ride for a minute. And we should point out this whole beginning thing is him reading a part of the Bible. Yeah, where it's like they're going to make fun of you. And you can't let them upset you. And I'm like, yeah, I mean, we are going to make fun of you. But then right after he's done being like, don't let the markers throw you off, he takes out the world's

tiniest, most ridiculous bicycle helmet and starts to walk him in the size of a toaster. Honestly, it can only be more ironic if it was like the mockers real mock, but know that you walk with God and he just slowly puts on a clown nose and what some do. Yeah. Yeah. So this is Michael. Michael is sitting on a loan in a stadium reading the Bible. And he's sad. I thought he's about to get struck by lightning and turn into coach Dave. I think that's like an origin story. David Dobin Meyer all of a sudden. Oh, so good. He's by himself in that weird stadium.

Yeah. Every time he talks into his stupid mic, that's a narrow joke. That's a narrow cast joke. Look at Dave Dobin. Every picture of him is this ridiculous and he's stadium behind him. He's talking in a press box. Nothing's happening in the stadium. So we see this character.

He's sitting up in the stadium all by himself reading the Bible. He's sad, super sad. And he's got his bike with him. Now he is, you know, it four rows from the top of the stadium. He has carried his bike up here. Seems like an odd choice, but don't worry. They're going somewhere with this. Because he's going to do some sweet, sweet, but BM mixing with a mountain bike, or destroy his balls, whatever the goal is here. It's unclear. But what is clear is that in my head,

all Mars Hill productions begin with, okay, so we're going to get to the hell stuff, but you know what kids like? Yeah, talking about it. Yeah, so he's about to do his sweet bike stuff, but first we have to really like hone in on this monologue. So we see him close his Bible. It's not just any Bible, it's the Bible you can buy from Mars Hill for the low low pressure 29.99. It's called the Transformers, by the way.

Is it really the title of the Bible? I have questions. I have questions about that. They're trying hard. It's like the kids, the kids, it's what they love. Transformers and bikes. The go-bots Bible. All right.

Well, that's less. And he's trying for like emotional, right? Like the, as he's, he's, we're getting his narration in his head as he's reading. And he's trying for emotional, but he getting his his narration in his head as he's reading. He's trying for emotional, but he just sounds like his dad beat him until he read those lines. His inner monologue is is crying. You what? He's reading a Bible as he's reading the part that's like, podcasts are going to make fun of us. Sorry, fine, whatever. It's like a future internet radio shift and well, it don't worry about it. But he's like, he's like weeping through it in his inner monologue and also horribly crying. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. Well, this is the

first instance of the ridiculous terrible crying. And this is the best the crying will ever be. But oh, he checks his little $2 Casio watch, realizes he's almost late for school. And so he puts on his bicycle helmet. Now, I want to point out that in the late 80s, only the mentally disabled wore helmets to ride bicycles. I'm not saying it was better than I'm just saying that's how it was. And that's when this movie was made. Definitely not just for when he's biking. No, no, exactly. No one at that time did. So anyway, so yeah, he puts his little helmet on and then he starts his sweet, sweet

BMX and on the mountain bike, which is that he's going to bike down the stairs of the stadium. Not quickly. It wouldn't want it to be dangerous. Honestly, I wrote my notes here. Please start riding down the stairs and just tumble to your death. And then he starts doing it. I wrote Jackson.

Like holy shit. Let's get it. All right. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That was all the way down like Homer Simpson.

Right. But instead he just does that to his balls. He's just like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, We're really bringing the kids in right here. Some bad ass. What if everything was an artificial harmonic? Um, so yeah, he rides down the stadium stairs, but that's not all the bad ass BMX and he's gonna do. He's also got some uh, slalom, hello. Yeah, this is supposed to be like a look at his cool biking skills, montage, but it's

literally just him riding a bicycle. It really is. Well, now he's literally just him riding a bicycle. It really is. Well, that was going downhill and up hill shit. He's got both the hills. Yeah, he can turn at one point. He literally just have him turning and then they cut away and I was like, oh my God, that was supposed to be impressive. Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, they have him weaving in and out of pillars and I'm just like, that's just, that's just turning. That's not, you know, there's, like at least make him do a wheelier something. I, a boiler alert, he kind of pops a wheelie at the very end. He like, that's the beginning of the toilet, the bike service.

Ah. This is, this is the bike parkour of leap. This is like, and this is where I think the leap thing ties in, because there's like, and the foot loose thing. So there's like, there's this like, you know, inspirational music going, because it's like the bike parkour montage and he's doing,

he's just like putting his foot up on a wall as he goes parkour bike and like going past things. I just wanted like foot loose Kevin Bacon to like dance out into the street and they crash and like Tina from leap just like shoots him for no reason. Yeah. All the same universe. All right. Yeah. Yeah. So after all of that badass traveling too fast for conditions, he shows up at school where the sign reads school of communication, radio and TV laboratories. Because back then you could use TV and laboratory in the same sentence and it didn't sound stupid.

But before he gets there, we have to establish he has a black friend. Literally, that is the only person in this character is like, hey man, just so you know, you get a black friend and he's like, yeah, I know, bud, all right. It's always so weird. You say that On with the plot. I'll never see you again Definitely a conversation that happened at some point is like all right We started out the last movie with a musical hate crime. Let's Let's know a black guy and and a water fountain right away

And because they they show like one water fountain for everyone. See this? See this? Hello, black friend that I have. Hello, white friend that I have. I would also use that very same water fountain if I was there. I am not there. But that I've been, I would use it. This is a college. I'm educated.

So okay, so then he has to go check in with a thatch hut made of aquanet. Oh my god damn fuck. How did we not like, I mean, I know the 80s to hair, whatever, but how did we not know then? Oh, I just don't get it. I didn't care. And his brother is upsetting. Yeah, it's Weinstein-esque. He knows is touching her cheek. He's like, hi, I have a reservation for three o'clock. And she's like, okay, I can see your pores. And he's like, I'm in danger. He's no way to see my pores. And she's like, no, my dance space, your dance space.

Right. She's like the desk person to at the studio to like check people in. And she's like, oh, what's your student ID number? And he starts giving her his phone number to be like flirty, I guess. But he had so much trouble thinking of a phone number. He was like counting the number of numbers in a phone number in his head, but also trying to not just save those numbers. The number he came up with, he goes,'s seven eight nine five five four three One

It's a real number. I didn't just do sequences So yes, so he goes into the prehistoric version of our studio and He pulls out his Bible looks at the family photo inside. And then we realized that the reason he's in this studio is to record a letter to his parents. I have to write a letter that he's going to wrap around a tape that he's going to have also anyway. Yeah, so and I want to say like I was alive at this point.

We just we had just tape recorders. You did not need a studio, right? We had cassette tape. That's how we loaded shit onto our computers. This is way crazy overkill. Yeah. It's like buying a printing press to write your family a letter. Yeah, right.

Right. Right. And by the way, his inner monologue is, it was crying earlier. Now it's faster than his real body. It is. It's like 10 seconds ahead of him starting to write and his monologue is already started. Yeah, exactly. Well, this doesn't fit.

That'd be a long time for us to watch him. Right. What if? Yeah. Right. And his letter is basically, sorry we got in such a big argument last time I saw you because I was super into God. So I recorded me boring you about stupid ass geniuses.

Now you can listen. The problem was that you couldn't listen to me bore you at your leisure. Well, yeah, right. No, the problem was that you could respond. Right? But that's it. I'm sorry that we got into that big argument. Let me just say all that stuff, but take out the part where you're allowed to respond

with facts and shit. Yeah. And the whole thing, it's just setting up this evil fundamentalist atheist family that he's supposed to have. Just like, and he was supposed to be in an argue, like cut to last Thanksgiving. He's trying to like say grace and they're all just fucking each other and like pouring milk on dead babies or whatever. But that they're supposed to be evil for the rest of the movie. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So yeah. So and by the way, this is the movie. Right. Him recording a tape for his parents is the film. right him recording a tape for his parents is the film. We will we will play a bit with the chronology here, but that's the whole goddamn thing.

Anyway, so we start things off with him recording, but then we cut away from that to mom reading the letter he was just writing that comes with the tape. I don't know why you would write a letter and you would, wouldn't you just record the stuff from the letter at the beginning of the tape, turn over the page and go to 34th Street in Broadway to see the next to watch a painting on the next part of this message. You will find a phone booth there inside the phone book. Yeah. Yeah, but Jesus letter of the five senses take these cookies But we have a fucking deep god whole

Whatever in the pop that movie was god. I don't know what their name if you listen to the archives backwards You do it wrong guys. You gotta go all the way to one and listen up and And then you get all the jokes. Well done Eli. You can hear it's nicer too. Cause we're going to be in the first couple of times. Confessions of the prodigal son. Is that it? I don't know. I think I got it. Something prodigal son. I think yeah, confession's a prodigal son. I think you're I think you're right. I don't know what this movie is called. Yeah. Right. Here's a

25 of them. So anyway, so we've got mom sitting here at the kitchen table reading the letter and his, the adorable little brothers there, a little five year old Cody. He's like, what's that, mommy? Can we listen to the music? She's like, no, it's not music. I wouldn't be anywhere near this depressed. Can we listen to the tape that'll save me from hell?

Please, mom. No, we're atheists. And it's may I get saved from hell? Yeah, correct. For saying can I, what the fuck, I don't know. Right. We need mom to be an asshole seventh grade math teacher. Yeah.

But mom is super hot. Well, like super eighties hot. Yeah, well, she's like, she's just all trapezoids and triangles, like, entire decade had bodies that I describe as sharp. Yeah. Like, fuzzy. Everybody was pointy, shit. Yeah, no, all the angles were acute back then.

It was really fucking weird. I don't, I don't understand it myself, but I, so, so the kid wants to listen to the tape and she's like, no, this is going to be that religious shit. You'll be terrified and have nightmares again. I'll listen to it in the car when you're not around because we've really got to set this up. We are given this shit, the slow burn. So but before we get to bomb, listen to it, we have to cut back to Michael, the main character

recording it. Now they show he tests his levels. He's clippin' like fucking crazy. He's not just in the red, but all the goddamn way. The thing's breaking. There's like a red siren in the background. Like it's his own. He's like that scene iniren in the background. Like it's just like, no one, no need to adjust anything there. We'll just keep going. And then he turns the one dial on the mixer that does a thing, right? He just turns it on, turns the the I guess the talk into it dial which is on the upper left and he is ready to go. Jesus my job's not that hard I

mean you know I get like if you can have a fucking nuclear physicist in a movie they're gonna get shit wrong there's like three goddamn buttons I have to put at least ask somebody which three or how many buttons or what like what size the He's got like a mixing board the size of a grand piano What year is this it was like 1990 right there's no reason he walks back in the next room Joe Smith is like Chiseling zero from ones into fucking metal plates like what the fuck And the other thing is like you have to keep in mind that someone turned the sound on and then they did this, right? They were like, all right, speed a guy pushed a button and then the actor saw that happen and was like,

all right, down periscope here we go. Yes, our movies get a sound super stupid in comparison to this tape. Let me open this vat. So yeah, so he starts recording his anti-diatribe and he starts it off by saying, you know, the idea of boring you guys with this tape came to me when me and my buddies were chatting about the apocalypse the other day at college. Yeah, right. That's what happens when you go to college. And so while he's talking, we cut over to this suburban home.

We will later learn that this is mom's referee. This is what mom is imagining as she's listening to the tape because apparently anything to not be like engaging with the words on the tape, right? Right. I want to point out that as we're getting this establishing shot, an ambulance passes by and I feel like that has nothing to do with the movie, right? It was just an ambulance happened to go by and they're like, fuck it. I am not doing another established shot because you know, fuck themselves. They're not paying overtime.

Well, tie in an ambulance story later. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. and build story later. And then if you're not, secure on a bike, try's by, you're making a movie. Fuck. I'm gonna keep the, keep the ambulance shot.

And then I'm not doing a third. So yeah, so, all right. So any, and also, okay. So while we're getting this establishing shot, we're still getting the voice over from the candy goes, now, not everybody agrees how and when Jesus will return, but one thing's for certain he will come back. But what do you think certain means?

He's like the monster from it follows except You can't fuck to get rid of him You can't fuck to get rid of but It's all about who you fuck. He goes, there are over 300 passages in the Bible that deal with Christ's return. As though that's evidence, right? But anyway, he goes, he also doesn't add, by the way, it's mostly in the jui parts written by the people who don't believe it's Jesus and would tell you that's not what that passage

means. But anyway, but the whole boy is the shit's gonna get crazy. Yeah. Real soon for the end times or whatever. Like remember those babies yadat Thanksgiving? It's gonna be hard to find those soon. That's why I'm begging you, call this toll free number by a Jim Baker food bucket.

Yeah, right. Oh wait, he's in jail right now, never mind. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, just, you know, pre-order, pre-order, they'll be there. So, okay, so we in jail right now, never mind. Yeah, just, you know, pre order pre order, they'll be there. So okay, so we cut inside the house, the narration, the voiceover thing cuts off for a minute. We get mom waking up, she goes in the kitchen, turns on the news, the radio news, and the, it goes, and in the news this morning, which it's so it was nice of them to wait until she turned it on to start that sentence. Um, he goes, and in the news this morning, the apocalypse has happened.

Everybody's just by his fucking crazy. Just fucking nuts. I'm evil. Back to you, Trisha. Literally, it's like Steve, uh, everyone disappeared. And now it's, uh, it's bad for some reason that that would be worse. You know, in the subway train isn't crowded enough. Well, yeah, he goes, well, we've got Dave in the chopper. Let's check it with him. He's like, it's like a war zone down here. Like, how does like, there is missing information right people are gone and it's like a war zone why are those two things right Jesus shows up and guys like okay well just let me fire this rocket launcher before we go and everyone's been asking man. What one thing did you want to fire off before you died? All right, all right, you get it. Yeah, so mom freaks out.

She runs and checks on the daughter. The daughter is just fine. She must be fucking, but then she runs and checks in on the little kid. He's too young for the tribulation, I guess, so he's gone and she freaks the fuck out. And because it's an end of the world movie, we need the scene where someone looks for someone in their clothes. Right? Just check it out the window. Just in case her toddler's naked on the front lap. My video went viral about Kony and I can't enter the pressure. I can't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know these. Dad, I don't know. Don't do a lie. Just don't. Um, so yeah, so she started definition of a lie. I guess it's your question. Like out of the public eye, and if you don't matter, are you a lie? I don't know.

So he's this Christ. We're going to find out he's a listener. I'm anyway, so Joseph Coney said. That'd be cool. That'd be cool. That'd be cool. All right. I have no way to transition back into this.

Speaking of so yeah, you know, I do. I do because dad goes pretty Joseph Coney here. He does. Actually, yeah. So mom starts freaking out. And because it's the 80s, dad's like, well, I guess I'm going to have to beat her now. He starts shaking her so comically, I expected like Leslie Nielsen to come in and take a turn. He's smacked her around a bit. The 80s, but all women needed was a solid shake.

To giant line of people slapping her in the face. Walk her pants. The food just come in an eye. Brought her exactly. Humphrey Bogart's like, take it, like it. Take it and like it. So yeah, so we pull out of this referee though, that's all we're going to get for the moment because mom's supposed to be listening to this in the van while she's waiting for

the daughter to get out of school. The daughter gets out of school so she has to turn it off real quick and they have to add home. And the daughter's like, what were you listening to? And she's like, oh, so I was just dreaming about your little baby brother being dead. Really? Why are you smiling super blissfully then? Let's go home.

Let's go home. Never mind. So yeah, so we go home. It's time for dinner. Um, and this is where we first meet dad. Dad is a ridiculous looking human. I eat, it should never be put. He looks like a mad scientist was trying to make a game show host, but his girlfriend broke up with him halfway through and his heart just wasn't in it when he got to the head. Brofriend broke up with him halfway through and his heart just wasn't in it when he got to the head Yeah, he is the beginning of

Silly or and Silly are looking humans that are about to enter this movie And then they were like no, you know what we need to because we're gonna have the muppets in the next couple of years. We got to ease them in. So yeah, so they're talking about the Jesus tape. Mom's like, so Michael sent us the Jesus tape. He's all worried about the end of the world, like a literal insane person that is on the street. And that's just like a kids in their colleges. Right. And the little kids like what's the end of the world, mommy? And the mother's like, yes, see, this is exactly why you shouldn't introduce children to religion like that and pretend that it's true. Right.

She's got you're a kid and you don't have the, but I don't mean it filter. Yeah, see when you're older, you'll say this stuff, but deep down you'll be like, well, obviously, I'm not going to give away all my worldly goods. Because that's what you do. I thought that they never do that because they don't think it's real. So your brother's obviously going to school, so he doesn't think it's real. Otherwise, you just be studying the Bible or screaming it on the street. Great one just bother with us. He doesn't believe it either.

This is all very just, but you're a kid. So now I have to dissuade you, but while keeping the general consign, we're not just going to abandon religion, because how would we get you to behave based on just moral. And you need monsters under the banner. You'll get up. So, I don't know. Let me ask you a question. If you were famous and then you're not anymore, you'll get up. So, I don't know. Let me ask you a question.

If you were famous and then you're not anymore, you're dead, right? What do you think? Talk to him. Talk to him. So yeah, so they accidentally highlight why teaching kids religion is a terrible, terrible idea and it's horribly immoral. Because you know, the kids like, what's the end of the world? And that's like, there's no such thing and the little girl is like,

but how do we know that for sure? Your atheism seems too dogmatic. Yeah. Oh, it's fine. We have responsible leaders like Ronnie Reagan and George HW Bush and Georgia stuff. They're not going to be an end to the world. Relax. Yeah. Well, and but dad makes the very good point. He's like, look, for thousands of fucking years, people have been predicting the end of the world and, hey, look, we got side, it's the world. And literally the movie doesn't know how to answer that. So they're like, right, back. Yes. So, uh, talking, talking. Yeah. So we go back to Michael monologue in his studios where he's going, he's, he's talking about like the consequences of the rapture. He's like planes would fall from the skies. Governments would be crippled as their leaders

disappeared. And I'm like, that's why you shouldn't vote for Christians. I agree. Go Michael. Finally, someone said it. He's got this great moment where he goes to the police. We'll have a harder time dealing with Fewer people less crime more resources for everyone fuck. This doesn't work at all does it And also by the way this kid his emphasis is so weird. It's like he's just Sounding out English phonetically for the first time, right? Or it's like, like they wrote his line and symbols that he has to then puzzle out. And there's also this very weird moment where he goes. And of course, then they'll believe. And it's like, yeah, obviously, then they'll believe, but that's because it happens after

the prediction. Right. Right. That's, that's the silliest thought noise like five of spades. I just said five of spades. Five of spades. Five of spades. Are you doing a magic trick? Five of spades. Oh, okay, I need to call the police five of spades. I like your helmet though. Oh, thank you. Also, by the way, and I just want to again, I know this is nitpicky, but in this scene, you can see his levels at this point, the little lights that will, or you can see where those lights would would be if it was turned on. But it's not. So anyway, yeah, they could afford the studio.

They just couldn't afford to turn things on. Okay. So now we go back to the post revelation, referee. Apparently this is dad's. We'll learn that in a bit. But dad is, it's after the apocalypse dad sit there watching GNN because it is always GNN, right? Every single one of them. So we're going to pick up the clothes and look inside the shirt as though the kid has shrunk down and is in there now, but he's turned into a fucking insect.

And it's always goddamn GNN that's announcing the apocalypse. Anyway, yeah, so get creative, guys, for fuck's sake. Right. And his GNN is a series of ever-silly-er puppets for our panel. Honestly, if this panel, and she's introducing them one by one, and if this panel ended in the ego-muppet, it would be less silly, less silly. Yeah. Yeah.

So that's what we're getting. We're getting a panel discussion between educated experts and religious people. You know, I think you know, they do that on the news. They're like, here are people who know things and here are people who also say things. And they could not have found a more visibly crazy person to be the first religious lady, the lady who looks like Gary Bucy hollowed her out and just crawled in from behind, but left a face hole. Right. And it sounds like Billy Crystal in the Princess bride. Yes. She got to sounds like Billy Crystal in the Princess bride.

Yes. She kind of sounds like the Mowage guy. No, that's it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Judith Ferguson, the the religious editor. Yes. Is that a job?

I'm sure for newspapers, whatever. Yeah. And she looks like the librarian for a crack house. She's in the same. She's nuts. She's looking in all different directions at the same time and going, it's, it's amazing. Yeah, exactly. Including like fourth-dimensional ones in shit. Yeah. And she thinks that this is evolution. Oh my. All the people disappearing. It's the argument from why aren't there still monkeys? So okay, so at first I thought why would they be representing religion with the most insane

looking and acting human being they could possibly find, but then I realized that this woman is supposed to be like the liberal non literalist doesn't believe in the rapture type religious person. She's the happy medium of reasonable compromise on this. Exactly. So she starts explaining how this is evolution guided by a higher force through quantum. Okay, shut the fuck up.

You're talking quantum really? Yeah. She calls this a quantum leap in the process of evolution. Oh my gosh, as well, explain how the Heisenberg uncertainty principle is like, that's how the Fed is a Ponzi scheme. Like, stop saying things. You have no idea the words you're using. Yeah, like you would literally have to delete all those words to make a true sentence. Everything she said in that paragraph would have to go. And then, and then we are introduced to the counter to that argument, a literal monkey. And honestly, if the anchor had just been like, and for a counterpoint,

an actual monkey. But it's that she's like, this is Muslim atheist Junard, who we found. He studies psychology at a fucking school. Boo, and it's from northeastern university, which is a real university. But I guarantee they had no idea that's the name of an actual school. They just named a region they don't like plus the word university. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Abraham, Northeastern University. Yeah.

Yeah, but before we get to him, we have to talk to the Bowrig. I don't know. Bowrig, yeah, the word Bowrigar just pops to my mind when I look at this guy. I'm not sure why. And he's supposed to be the reasonable Baptist Christian who knows all about the apocalypse and shit. He looks like you could grab his face and mold it into a different face. Right. And not only that you could, but that you should, right? You could pull down the cheeks and he'd be Winston Churchill and to be like that's a fun thing right You will you die when you're gone and people's memories guy who made Koni

That's what the artist is present is all about We watched a short movie and Eli knew he was gonna have to vep so Sorry, I got up bringing a little a Maria bravich to our show In our audience they love the Loneum and they love Maria Bromwich and they love wool. I'm so confused. I think the Loneum. I have no idea what's happened.

What's that element? Take me to that one. The source. All right. So yeah, now we're we're calling back to stuff that happened before we started. We talked about the source. Um,

earlier, not about them. It is about them. Um, so anyway, so Beauregard Nixon says, Hey, um, all the Christians are gone because it's the rapture. And she's like, well, all the Christians aren't gone. You're still here. He's like, I'm not talking about untrue scotsmen here. So fucking be a bitch. But they actually say that they're like, you know, wouldn't you be gone? And he's like, well, and the lady says, no, in a Christian movie, this is, I

know it doesn't seem like this is suspense, but this is all we've got. So we're gonna, we're gonna pause for a commercial break while the people at home chew that one over in their heads, okay? But we're actually gonna see a commercial break. Yeah, we're gonna watch a goddamn. Yeah. And by the way, there's no way that this is a paid advertisement for something.

This is for a goddamn monster truck rally in some region that never actually, but we watch the whole goddamn thing. Oh, it's a man. Look, these movies have fuck youed me along. It is hard to say whether or not I've gotten a harder fuck you from these movies than making me watch an ad. baby. Yeah, right. Mom's like you choose, Jeff. Go fuck yourself. Oh, and by the way, we have to come back. I have no idea why we would have to come back to this, but well dad's watching TV.

Mom is ominously folding laundry. As you have to say, well, she's still knows her place. She at least still knows her place. She at least still knows her place. The directors keep stopping her. Cut ominous. What are you doing? I said ominous folding roll it again. Jesus. It's professionals. And look, if this fucking movie is taking commercial breaks, I guess we deserve a break too. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will mom survive the seven years of bad luck for breaking that mirror? The Christians think that their paranoid shit is any less stupid than that.

Wouldn't it have been funny if the tape deck just ate the cassette and act one? Why not be an answer to these questions anymore? We return for the some nambulous conclusion of future Ted. Right, I really pouredo are in soul into this Why don't you take everywhere He gets wrapped around his neck by Do you have a pencil I need to Somebody help you're making it tighter you're making it tighter cut it don't pull don't pull don't Just cut it I'm not taking the car apart for this

cut it. I'm not taking the car apart for this. Just cut it and then we'll pull it gently apart and we'll give it to your baby brother. That stuff has ink on it. Slice my hand off with a record and then we'll go around the arm. Great. Now your brother doesn't exist because his art that he created isn't being witnessed by anybody. Happy. Why are you happy? We're just counting the other machete. Kelly. What are you a fuck guy? What are you a fucking high galley and constant Kelly? No, you killed your brother.

You killed your brother Kelly. Oh my god. You've almost got to. If somebody's called the Hangle. I Winky go you We got got Kantian lecture listener who just takes out their earbuds. Let's fucking bullshit You know that's productive of the argument. It's obviously not based on the observer principle. This is bullshit.

I'm thinking of it. I miss when he would talk about being a pedophile. That was fun. She's, this is my first episode. Oh shit. Anyway, we'll be back. Hey, hello. Hi, Dave Johnson. Speaking.

Yeah, this is Tim from audio porn XXX.com. We got your tape. Oh, yeah. My gaping asshole seven. Yeah, what'd you guys think? Yeah. well, I think there's been a little mix up You know, we usually love your stuff, but This time you sent us just like 25 minutes of you talking about Jesus. I think to your mom and dad Uh-oh

So did you see the tape Dave sent us? I knew what it's talking about it! Hahaha! And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroes, they were watching the news and now they are still watching the news. That's how goddamn bad this movie is. They needed more news stuff, but they put a commercial

break in anyway, because otherwise wouldn't wouldn't have been as stupid. So anyway, we now return you to GNN and the debate already in progress. If you'll recall, the last time we left off, geriatric gumbee had been asked why he didn't disappear if Christianity is what made people disappear. didn't disappear if Christianity is what made people disappear. And his answer was, I just converted today. I missed it by like 20 fucking minutes. That's an awesome. It was just a guy on his knees and I sweared, where'd everybody go? Mother fuck.

God. There's a bad name. So close. A narrator was ahead of me a bad day. Close. A married man was ahead of me or behind me. Shit. So, yeah, so he's like, yeah, it's going to be, I wasn't Christian enough and I didn't believe enough. So, but now I do and we're going to go through terrible turmoil and then we're all going to die. And I'm like, what careless fuck would put this guy on the news? So good. I wanted so badly for them to come back and just be like, and Mr. Powell, how

do you respond to criticism that you are a cartoon dog? It talks very slow. But she does ask him. She's like, okay, well, where does that leave you then? And he's like, um, fucked. I don't get the question. Seven years of rape scorpions flying around. Yeah. Well, that's, yeah, suck. So yeah, but so we're gonna get seven years of rape scorpions.

And then Jesus is gonna come back and decide which of us, you know, deserves to go to heaven post rape scorpions. Yeah. He's going to come back and judge whoever's like, what's he going to judge people on? Like how they took the scorpion raping like, and then post your eyes. I don't understand. You're a real bitch about it. You were quite a bitch about the tribulation. So then the

host, the GNN host says, okay, well, a single person on the panel that we've established has an education. What do you think? And he's like, yeah, dude, it's full of shit. Crazy folks. You can't believe you would have put him on the news. There are children watching. But of course, he's proud and a member of the intellectual elite. So he's he's wrong. As fuck. He's got a big can't listen to him for more than a second. That is not what this is for. Well, if you think about it, no, no, no, no, and you lost me moving away. But just then dad gets a phone call so we don't have to listen to that guy explain why this is all nonsense.

And let's face it, this movie's viewers have seen all the brown guy they need to see. Right. And let's be clear, this scene is just zero purpose. There is no purpose for this scene. It is literally the old folks home calling to say, hi, mom, your parents believed in Jesus so they're gone. And I'm going to need like like Two days to get you their shit We can't hold on their crap forever is what we're saying like come on. Yeah item one

Your parents are dead item two they have this set of dressers that are gonna take a while to load into the van so You got to give us a weekend. Yeah. So and then, well, I guess we're setting up because we have to know that Graham and Graham are going to heaven for the final scene. Obviously. We have to. No, there's no goddamn. But and honestly, like not only is there no reason for this, but it requires that the mother, that the actress playing the mother cries afterwards. It's like when you tickle someone too much and they start crying. Yes. That's what this cry is. She can't decide at any given point where in the cry she is.

And the husband is understandably confused by her reaction. He's like, okay, good. We're laughing at weight. We're crying animal. What are we doing? You tell me what we're doing. So I know what's appropriate right now. Is it a role play thing? Am I going to be the pigeon again to me? So yeah, but that was dad listening to Michael's tape and having his own apocalypse referee. But then we have to get pulled out of that as daughter comes in to tell everybody good night. Mom wants to know.

And by the way, I should point out again, this is their imagination that we're watching, right? This movie is not postulating that they're watching the actual apocalypse happen. So in moms and dads imagination, the daughter is a fucking whore, right? Because they neither of them have her going to heaven. Yep. What did she do? I don't know. I'm like, well, fucking yeah, right. Nicole ain't going to heaven. We I think we can all bring Nicole. Nicole. Nicole did. So, little girl goes in about mom turns to the dad and she's like, well, what do you

think of of the tape? And he's like, we, I don't think it's enough evidence to have him committed. It's the 80s. It might be. It might be, but I don't think I think we, what if someone convinced him he was Santa Claus? But ultimately though, but dad's answers fairly reasonably is like, look, I think we should just let him think is weird. Crazy. Jesus shit. He'll, he'll outgrow it. Well, here's, here's the thing. Either he loses religion or we get our own episode of sword and scale. So either way,

a sword and scale. So either way, we're all right, but we're apparently we're not done yet. So late that night, they all, everybody goes to bed late that night, the daughter wakes up and she wants to know what's on this tape. Two damage. She's going to check it out for herself. So she goes to listen, now we cut back to Michael. He's still in the studio recording. And his narration voice is still 10 seconds in the future. Yeah. I think they, I think they just misaligned the track and they were like, fuck it.

Yeah. Well, right, right. It's like the ambulance and the establishing shot. They're like, yeah. You know, so yeah. So he's still recording his plea for their souls. And he tries to cry here too. Maybe it's genetic, maybe they just have a genetic crying disorder. Oh, that makes sense. I wanted him so badly to do a retake mid cry. I wanted to be like, and I want you to know that I will be.

Sorry, will be. Sorry about that, my mom. I want you to know that I love you. I was actually a little hot on that. I hope Morgan's paying attention. Otherwise that whole joke will just wind up getting cut. We need to fix this one slider. Where should I put this one slider?

What about all the way out? Middle, huh? No, you think middle? Okay. Yeah, right. But what he's saying in the midst of this cry is that you have to accept Jesus before there's any evidence, those are the rules. Otherwise, it doesn't count apparently. And he, he talks himself into tears here, just by himself with a micro. It's like how we found Eli. It's very depressing.

And I wanted someone to start walking into the studio while he was doing it and him just be like, somebody's in here. I'm shitting. I actually have this by still three 15 minutes. Oh, it's no, they're doing 15 minutes now. Okay. Do you believe a G. All right. I'm going. I'm going. I have to take it till 330 man. Religion, tearing families apart and making people lose their shit over nonsense, since homo erectus. Anyway, yeah, so, but Shucks, he sure does want them to get to heaven. So to get him there, he's going to tell them about a dream he had recently. Now I got to go find

and fuck this act. Right. Yeah, just as proof as as as as if Christian movie reviewers would need evidence that it could always get worse. Yes, it can always fucking get worse. He could be telling you about his dream too. Which by the way, he dreams in blue. Right. Why do they have the blue filter? Is he a dog? Like, wait, I don't get why he would anyway. Yeah. Are your dreams not all like slightly tinnish blue? Yeah. And fuzzy. Um, yeah. So in his dream, he and this family are in an airport and they're waiting for the plane to heaven. Now, he checks the, he checks the flight times, he checks the board and heaven is just listed right in there between Bogota and Tokyo.

Dude, if I notice a plane to heaven next to my flight to Dallas, I'm switching planes. I'm going to flight. Some guys just like, ah, I'm, I got it. I'm going to Dallas. I feel like dude, oh, fuck, I'm gonna, I'm gonna Dallas. I feel like, honestly, like knowing me, I get to the afterlife. If I was a born again believing Christian, I get to the afterlife and they're like, yes, heaven,

just get on the airplane. I'm like, where's that elevator go? So I, because I will take, I, because they said, because there's, I see if that there's kids getting on all the kids get to go. Jesus. All right, so yeah, and so in the dream, he realizes that it's time for the flight to board.

And he says, and dad, I want you to tell you that we had to get out of the plane, but you said we had plenty of time. And none of you guys would go to heaven with me. And grandma and grandma were telling me to come. You guys were like, fuck you. I'm reading on the origin of species. Get out of my fucking face. We're not getting on that plane.

And grandma and grandpa are already there. So like, heaven's like a plane because old people and babies get to go first early for some reason. I don't know. Yeah. And now it is time for the silly run. Yeah. Now, okay, let's set the mood. The music that plays right now is what like works listen to when they fuck.

It's fantastic. It's so intense. Yeah. So like, my music note here is King Arthur removes a splinter from his toe. Because it's not, it's like a shitty, it's like a budget knockoff of O for tuna. It's, it's real, it's faux for tuna. It's like a shitty for it's like a budget knockoff of O for tuna. It's real. It's foe for tuna. It's really bad. Yeah, right to use who right. No, I have the exact tone of tone of down guys. No, my actual music notes is orcs are doing laundry because it's not quite there. But yes. And then he, yeah, Michael realizes that he's too late and he has to run to make the plane. And again, just imagine when you were a kid, maybe you had a little doll with the little shaky arms and legs and you would make it like seem like it was walking across the table. That's the extent to which his limbs move like a running person.

Yeah, imagine a Marionette doing a mean impersonation of a gay guy running. Right. Howdy, duties homophobic. That's weird. But before he can go, he has to convince the little kid to come, right? He's like, oh, but I could see Cody and he wanted to come to heaven with me. So I waved to him and I wasn't like, get your mom and dad. Instead, he just ran towards me like we were about to fuck on the beach at the end of this.

Look, the Baywatch team was about to run up next to him. So good. That's exactly what we're getting. So yeah, and so the little brother runs towards him. He grabs some the orc music goes to choir music and then he runs through security. This was the 80s and it was just, you know, walk through this. Yeah, it did be. He just called pre 9 11. Do you have any metal? Yes. All right. Enjoy your flight. She nanagons. I just wanted the rest of the movie to be a cavity search while he watches

the plane. You've been randomly selected, sir. Oh, have I have I was either randomly one that was selected on the flight out of Colorado. Huh? That's odd. The kid starts running past. No, it just clothes lines him. No, no, you randomly check this kid. Now, you serious? Absolutely not. They're both getting cavity searched. God just holds up a sign from the airplane, like technically your Sodomite, so sorry. You're not. Oh, man. This is awkward. So yeah, so, but the kid grabs me, they hustle through security. And then he picks up the kid and starts running up an escalator.

This seems like a bad idea. I believe that's a broken leg, and I happen to, anyway. So, but I should point out that I guess they paid for a lot of choir music, and they were going to use all because we watch him run all the way through the airport. He could like, he gets on one tram. He gets off at the wrong terminal. Has to stand there way, you know, because it's like six minutes before the next one comes. Anyway, so nine minutes later, he gets to the gate.

A fun fact, flight to heaven, slightly shorter than the flight to Australia. None of you know. Also, by the way, um, he gets, he gets the top of the thing with the gate and they're ready to get it. And they meet up with Graham and grandpa here. Mm-hmm. Am I the only one who saw a four way tongue kiss with grandma grandpa and my brother and my you are you are the only one who saw that. I watched you got to stop focusing on movies. I gotta watch this

one again. You got to wake up during my movies. Yeah, no shit. So yeah, and then he goes, he goes, the next part of my dream was painful, but nowhere near his painful. It'll be when it's like for realsies though. So he saw him trying to get on the plane now, right? He's heading to heaven. He's like, and I saw you guys try to get on, but it was too late. The plane was already pulling away.

And I'm like, boy, you really got to drive this shit home, huh? But we wouldn't get the analogy if you didn't. Oh, but then you tried to get on you, mother fucker. And then I saw you pressed up against the windows by flying scorpions. There was a really awful. I felt really bad. And again, like, let's just take a moment. This is this kid's family. And he's like, I mean, I'm already on the plane. I feel like if you make a big enough scene, you get someone on the plate. No, I've been late to planes and I've just been like, well, I'm in the dorm. So either half a Jew in your door or in your land in Seattle, or we wait a minute. What do you think women being paid $18 an hour?

That is what I thought. That's what I thought. You're not an air marshal. That guy's an air marshal. Yeah, the more the L.O.B're not an air marshal. That guy's an air marshal. Yeah, the more the Lilleau be sky. Yeah. Yeah. So I can see your guns, sir. It's right under your fat because you sit on planes all day. Also, by the way, he goes for the cry again here. And but he can't quite make it happen.

Right? Like, he goes, it's like watching somebody try to almost sneeze, but not quite be able to get it or whatever. It's like that with a cry. They cut away for a second. They cut back somebody through a bucket of water on his face. Right. Okay. Well, that's not really. It's like he went to mom and he was like, I can't fake crying. She was like, well,

I can teach you to fake orgasm and he was like, Oh, that's enough. Okay. Same thing. Same thing. Same thing. It's turned into a bikake video. That's cool. And also there's this bit where it's like, you know, where you can tell that the, the, the filmmakers were like, I don't think we're going to be able to make 30 minutes. And the, and the director's like, no, there is no, there is literally no rule that says you have to stop watching the airplane take off at any particular point. No, we'll just, we can 15 minutes of stock footage of an airplane. Exactly right.

That's what we got. But then we also, we still weren't to 30 minutes yet. So they're like, all right, what about a montage? You know what? Cause we did a lot of weird editing, a lot of gaps. So it was disjointed. We'll fill in everybody on the chronology of the movie because they were probably confused. Is that what we were going for here? Yeah. I mean, we can make a music video for Keith Greene's song to my parents at the same time. It's perfect. Okay. So I didn't figure out that they were like laying out the chronology.

So I'm like, Oh, okay, we're going to see highlights from the movie. And then I'm like, no, no, just lights. Well, these are just scenes that could have been chosen with a dart. No, you're right. We got more instant replays of the movie that we already saw than anything else. Right. Exactly. But yeah, just random scenes with bad Christian musical for the top. And by the way, this is not the credits, right? There's nothing. There's no words on the screen at this point. We just get this for like four minutes and then the credits. Just Michael getting two feet in bounds before the rapture, whatever. Yeah. It is just a music video before the end of the movie. All right. Right. And by the way, the song is as close to the tune of Elton John's, your song as they could legally get away with.

There are like so many points where they just like suddenly, oh, but if we just throw a D in here for no reason, that sounds all this joint. And it's totally legal, sir. It's a little bit funny. I liked it. I mean, knock off Elton John is pretty good, right? Well, I'll tell you what those lyricists, the lyricist pissed me off. So if you guys don't mind, we did the rap. I want to do the country tune here too. So it starts off, he says,

I need to say these things because I love you. So and I'm sorry you get angry when I say that you just don't know. Yeah. Okay. First of all, no, had way more flow than the guy in the song. Yeah. Right. Right. No, I made it almost sound like that was on purpose.

First of all, okay. I'm sorry. You get pissed off when I point out that you're wrong. It's not an apology that That's like the most underhanded bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry you get mad when I point out what a dick you are That's not that does not count. I've been told before that does not count Yeah, I wrote down the no illusions responding to listener complaint school I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're stupid. So, okay. So he goes on that you don't know that there's a heaven waiting for you and me.

I know it seems every time we talk, I'm only trying to just make you see. I'm only trying to just as you see. I'm only trying to just. As a good sign that you're right in that Ryan parameter, bro. You know, start again. You're, it's me and see that you're working with. You couldn't find another fucking Ryan from me that fit into your fucking parameters. Maybe you could put five more split and finitive words in there. Yeah.

I don't know. I kind of like it when song lyrics sound like you're shaking the person you're singing to. So get the course. He goes and it's only that I care. I really only want just to see you there. That's a human sentence construction right there. That's how humans talk. Anyway, he goes on, please try and overlook my human side. Yes, that's what he says. I know I'm such a bad example and you know I'm so full of pride. Yeah, okay, look, I know I'm a dick, but Jesus wasn't, oh, but oh, he was.

Yeah. You're going now. Well, but he, no, no, no, he, he stacks up for Jesus. Jesus isn't like that. No, he's perfect all the way. I guess that's why we need him. Because by ourselves, huh, there's just no way, way, way, way, they right, way with way and had to go out of their way to do it both types

They don't force the way in there and they're destroying the fake high-emission form Yeah, yeah Song should be called fuck you Noah This song should be called fuck you Noah. Think I'm going to pour in the morning Noah, the song. Yeah, right. No, it gets worse too, because they do the second course and he fucks it up. He's like, I guess he realized that only and just shouldn't both be used as modifiers. So instead this time he goes, and it's only that I care, I really, really only want to

see you there. You see, he's fixed the problem by using really twice. Okay. Well, now I feel like you didn't like my song. I really, really want to. Yeah. No, no, no, no, so we're done. So now we get the bridge. He goes, and if this by the way, it gets so much fucking weirder from this point on the song does it takes a bizarre turn. I mean, he goes close the doors. They're just not coming. We sent the invitations out long, long, long, long ago. No, no, how do you feel about four longs approach to me? I feel like you should have gone for six. I feel like if you're going to go that way, just go that way. How many release did we do it? And a really, really long, long, really, really long.

A long, long time long. Away. So, okay. So there he goes. We're still going to have a wedding feast big enough to beat them all. The greatest people in the world just won't come. So we'll just have to invite the small. Yes, both of those just are in the God damn song. Oh, and then we get a third course.

He does the only the just and both the release. Jesus. Okay. And then we get this little, I have no fucking idea what's going on here. I really don't. I know you're terrified. I was into this like seven times and then I found it online. I was like, oh, they must have cut the song off short. No, they did not. It's not. Okay. He goes, isn't that Jesus? So the show up at heaven, he goes, isn't that Jesus? Isn't that Joseph and Mary's son? So did, yeah, no, that's the first part of the rhyme. Well did he grow up right here? He played with our children. That's the rhyme.

Who's singing now? Who's kids play with Jesus? His kids that are singing now. Wait, it gets worse. He goes, what he must be kidding thinks he's a prophet. Well, prophets don't grow up from little boys. Do they? From little boys. Do they? Do they? I thought that is the end of the song, by the way. No, it is. Do they? And then I guess you everywhere in the studio was just like what and he was like,

what did I know there? What does he think they grow up from? I don't I do what the yeah, anyway, yeah. So that's the goddamn song. All right. So glad to have that over with. I do have one final question to close things off for you though. I'm going to put you in Michael's shoes for a minute. You find yourself recording a tape for your

parents because you just can't have this particular conversation with them in person. What's on that tape? Um, okay, dear mom and dad, I'm voting for a Republican. I'm not, I'm just saying like they put me through conversion therapy. Oh sure, there's going to be something Oxford comma related. And Ela, oh, it goes, it's Thursday. You say the day and the whole thing. I don't think this is fun. Alex.

Sorry. You do the intro from now on. Well, that does it for our review of future tense. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get you excited about next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Muhammad, the last prophet. We know people were a little disappointed. So I found an animated movie

about Muhammad on YouTube that looks pretty great. So we're gonna do some Muhammad stuff and you can see him and everything. No tinkels. Oh really? Yeah. All right, we're gonna send for this one. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 125 to our merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you like to cut out yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby, you're an early access to every episode. You can also help us to

spend by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes. And by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating aides, the skeptic retin citation needed available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematics suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies at gmail.com, legal services for the spot guests are provided by the law offices of P.

Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neelai Bosnick, I'm an Illusions Promised Newark Harden, and another chunk next week until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Crackhouse librarian died of a heart attack while sprinting to rearrange their books autobiographically.

The schizophrenic biologist that accidentally let Dad out of his cage resigned from the laboratory and disgrace. Ironically, the flight to heaven is mostly sick old people and babies. One, two, three, four degrees. There's so many we have a five out side four. There's a total of four goddamn degrees. There's so many we have. That's it. I've already counted all the degrees. Sorry. You want to do the 10 county life?

You like keep the rhythm. Woo. You want me to write 10 county life? You like keep the rhythm? Ooh. What are you right up? All right. How do you pronounce sheep fabric there, Morgan? How would you say, what would you call a sheep fabric? How would you, how would you pronounce that? Where's Morgan from?

He's originally Texas. Yeah, yeah. But isn't he Canadian? Oh, no, no, yeah, well, yeah, yeah, he's Canadian Texas. He's like Texas. He's like Texas. He's like Texas Oh no, yeah, well, yeah, yeah, he's Canadian Texan. So he's like Cruz. Yeah, right, right. He probably pronounces it. Sorry, whatever you want. Hello, welcome to Typical mattress buying experience. How much is there can you see?

Apparently he needs a minute. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to right. I don't want your four Slavic friends having a weird party here. No, don't stand there and talk. You're done. You done. You brought me the object, the fucking and Jesus.

Sorry, I'm not gonna give up before we get to that. But yeah, but slow down. He's like, uh, yeah, you're fine. You're fine. Uh, but I thought he was going to count as Joseph Coney or something. I was, eat warmed up. It's warmed up. It's a balmy five out now. Oh, really? That is probably going to be the high temperature for the day. This is as good as it gets. It is like, it's what 28 degrees colder than the average temperature here this time of year.

Okay. Well, we're getting through the worst thing apparently early. That's the thing though. Yeah. Right. Like nothing else winner is going to throw out. Just going to seem that bad. It's going to be 27 degrees. How. Like, nothing else winner is gonna throw at you. It's gonna seem that bad. It's gonna be 27 degrees out here.

You're gonna be like, this is nice. Odds are, we're guaranteed to have like a relatively mild rest of the winter. Yeah, yeah, exactly, relatively. Yeah, absolutely. So yeah. I'm happy about that. I wanna go skiing as soon as it's up to 27.

It's gonna be great. Yeah, right, once it gets warm enough to ski. Yeah. Fuck. Right. Once it gets warm enough to ski. Fuck. Jesus. All right. All right. Quick 10 count here for mugs. It's theosaurus.

What? The book. The book was all the extra words in it. All right. The element. Oh, I see. Technician. Were you trying to say Technician? That's the answer. And you said the assortment. I thought you were making a fissaurus joke somehow. And I that's what I thought when you explained, I was like, oh, he meant this. Okay. But I didn't, I didn't get it. I just assumed that's what the

joke was. Sometimes Elon's humor operates on a higher plane than mine. Jim Ra, Technedium, we're me and Eli. Technedium sounded fine to me. I had no idea. I was looking for something no one had ever fucking heard of, right? That was my one guy. And there's one guy you want. Actually, I am the world's foremost leading expert on the

various phases of technician uh you are correct that glock obelisk are not one of them but uh yeah no I feel stupid and I and and there's this whole big thing on wool I was already feeling stupid for mr. and I'm for technician and there is, no, all the dictionary seem to say it's wool wool. And I'm just like, well, it's a British then. Fuck all y'all. I don't want cheap make. Go to England. In England, hang out with Marsh. We're skepticism changes. Shit. Yeah. They don't have just, oh, fuck, I was going to say they don't have Trump. But they have, I mean, just it's there's this batter. But the dumb is there to,

March doesn't know how to talk about three meetings and homey apathy's illegal. They shot all the homey apathy's. It realized you had it that easy. All right, I'm ready to go on the sketch. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyrighted 2018. All rights reserved. the sketch. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC

capyrate 2018 all rights reserved.