God Awful Movies - 126: Muhammad: The Last Prophet

Episode Date: January 16, 2018

This week, Callie and Ari from the Gaytheist Manifesto podcast join us to tempt fate. --- This week's episode is brought to you by RXBar. --- To hear more from Callie and Ari, check out the Gaytheist Manifesto: http://www.thegaytheistmanifesto.com/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Yeah, so the Muslims they hear about this they go to see Muhammad and there's this amazing whitewashing Muhammad scene where they're like, hey mo We all know you are super anti-violence and all but um, that's a lot of scratch Yeah, right well, that's the thing. We've got nothing to really say here But you know we could rob the fuck out of these people if we just kill them, huh? And most like yeah okay and the hot that is like on one hand on violence on the other hand all our tucker wear I'm gonna go with the dryers not awful movie

movie movie Welcome back to the game cast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema unless the course for Feeling a little depressed and figured suicide would be a huge hassle in which case we choose a Muslim movie instead Don't worry guys. That wasn't a suicide joke. That was a homicide joke. I'm your host Noah Luzon's and Heath's not here, but, you know, he's got bone spurs or something. He re-hatted a note. But sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic. Noah, a quick note, if you wouldn't mind just saying like Eli Bosnick, he's super, super funny. Just like work that in every time he's in a name from now on. Means a lot to me. Humor and laughter be upon him. Yeah. And of course, we're also happy to welcome back to of our favorite guest massacres, sitting some undetermined

number of miles in some direction or another are the hosts of the Gatheus manifesto podcast. Kelly and Ari, Kelly, Ari, welcome back. So glad to have you back. Then why did you come back? I mean, why would you do this again? Because I fucking hate myself. Come on. You didn't even give us a game movie. What is this shit? Right. It's almost like we're actual people. This is weird. I don't know how to handle this. Yeah. Sorry. We will work harder to tokenize you later. So tell us, Ari, what will we be breaking down today? First of all, it's Heath. Second of all, we watched, remember me fondly.

Wait, no, that is the title of the document. That's not the movie that we watched. And I can't tell if that's there because Eli was too lazy to change the title after you changed the movie. Or if it was literally a good bye message from Eli as he lay dying from this movie related causes. Yeah, no, it's the latter. So what we really watched was Muhammad the last prophet. It's an animated movie about a rag tag group of daydream believers who choose to devote

their lives to a possessed floating camera, follow it into war for literally no fucking reason except that the camera one time told them that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell and that that didn't turn out to be true. I don't know. I didn't get this movie. Yeah. It's a hard one to get.

All right. I'm keeping the question simple that Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love mass slaughter by warrior kings, but you want a cutesy way to sell it to kids, you will love this movie. It's a gang is cars three. It's Dr. Mengele, McStuffins, a Jay Mengele's movie. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So let's get around the obvious question that's probably floating around the listeners' minds right now is like, how can you have a cartoon about Muhammad? Aren't they not allowed to draw or show Muhammad or even apparently higher Korean animators to draw or show Muhammad? And the answer is no, they can't. They're not also not allowed

to have him speak. So whenever Mohammed absolutely is required for the story, we get him in a POV shot. And other people have to talk about what he said, like the narrator will say, and then Mohammed answered, this is me, the narrator talking now, just telling you the quote. You got him bouncing around as he's walking the camera shifting all over the place. You're right. Yeah. No, we like he had one point.

He literally shakes his head. No, and the camera moves back and forth. It's so fucking silly. And then also apparently there's a mini boss of Muslim in here too, who also can't be shown. He can be hurt. He can be heard and represented by a bow which yeah For all vision oh, yeah, I have one point of story and this peripheral and at one point in the movie these two characters have to meet

It's fucking insane Glad they did it this way though because seriously when Eli sent me the link It was like this is the movie we're doing I was like we're gonna get fucking murdered for gamcast sweet I am really glad we're still gonna get it again. We're still gonna get murdered But what I love about that is I look this up because I was like okay Why can't you show the brother and it was just like some people don't like showing any members of Muhammad's family. So, you know, don't fuck around because they take that shit serious. It's not. Yeah.

I made a boot address this Santa and fuck it. They don't care. I'm just saying stick with the bow. Well, and the other thing that the other restriction that the, um, that the religion draws in, in constructing the script is that whenever they say the word Muhammad, they have to follow it up with peace and blessings be upon him. Yeah. And that gets comical like six minutes in. Oh, it's a 21 times.

I counted them. Yeah. I'm totally fucking 21 times. I'm just saying, I know how Jordan Peterson feels at this point. Oh my God, I got it. Muhammad is something we have on hand. I'm just trying to get through a sentence. It's too much. Not all profits. So anything you guys want to nominate this one for me the best, be in the worst at? I'm not sure if this counts as a best worst, but this was the only thing that came to mind for this.

Is the best worst realization halfway through the movie that, oh wait, the bad guys in this movie are doing exactly what the good guys in this movie will do after the events of this movie are over. Yes. Yes, yes, Best worth sugar coating, maybe a whole movie is about how the Muslims are being oppressed and called infidels and being slaughtered for their religious beliefs. Well, that turned out a little funny. It's actually irony. I've got some bad news. I'm going to go with best worst nervous catch phrase, Noah spoiled this already, but again, the the narrator, even you can tell even the guy doing the voice acting has trouble working and sometimes and he's like, and then the profit pieces on the me upon him finished all the lentils and I was like, profit, piece

on me upon him. Are you serious, man? I said that I was putting those in the fridge. I put my name right on it, but the profit pieces have to be upon him. I don't want to get into. I was just imagining the narrator voice actor in the booth with the director directing him to say peace and blessings be upon him about 27 different times in different affectations. They just splice it in. People's cousins be upon him. Peace and blessings be upon him. Peace and blessings be upon him peace and lessons be upon him peace

with a gun against this that's a caravan post. Oh God, it should have just been like a really basic black guys voice that cut in every time he had to say that or something that would have been awesome. I've got I've got best worse brave heart parody cartoon brave heart parody yes worse Braveheart parody. Cartoon Braveheart parody. Yes. Wait, wait, no.

Okay. So I have to ask, I literally have to ask, do you mean the Braveheart style battle scenes that are unintentionally paraded? Or do you mean the point in the movie where someone is tortured a la the final scene of Brave Heart? Wait, it's both because if you look at, we'll get into this later. But if you look at the background of Braveheart during some of it's both because if you look at, we'll get into this later, but if you look at the background of Braveheart during some of the battle scenes,

you can tell the guys are just like, oh, it's a sword. It's a sword. That's what I mean. And it's somebody's animated. It's you. And some of these animated guys are like that, super, that excited about their fighting.

It's great. Yeah, it's amazing when even the animated characters aren't taking the movie seriously. All right, well, judging by the general sense, the humor Muslims have about their religion, who knows how the fuck much longer we've got. So we're going to keep the break brief and when we come back, we'll dive into all the boldly-rised Hentai POV porn that is, Muhammad, the last prophet. Hey, Cali, Ari, thanks so much for coming back on the show again. You know, problem. Things are having us happen to be here.

Yeah, sorry. Noah, his hair is super awesome. We'll be here in a second. I guess he, his hair is super awesome. It's just like running behind. I'm not sure if it's what what what are you doing? What? The hair thing.

Why do you keep saying that thing about Noah's hair, which is true, but why do you keep saying it? Oh, he, uh, his hair is super up and just prefers it. Nice little sign of respect, you know, like totally up to you. If you want to do it, I'm just saying, okay, I guess. Yeah, sure. Whatever Noah likes his hair is super awesome. What?

Nothing. So, Muhammad. What's up, fellas? Uh, we were just thinking, um, we're, um, we're worried people are going to worship images of you because you're so awesome. Oh, they are? Yeah, that totally. Oh, they are? Yeah, they're totally. So we were thinking maybe it might be best if we made a rule that nobody draw you

or do mean imitations of your voice. I mean, represent your voice. Oh, good thinking, but what about all my tasteful moods? Yeah, those are gonna have to go. Oh, I'm gonna keep mine though. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start this movie off by spreading the blame around a little bit. This movie was approved by the Council of all Azhar al-Sharif Islamic Research Academy

and the Supreme Islamic Shia Council of Lebanon, motherfucker. So go after them. They said it was okay. I was in one of them. There's a reason why the credits, spoiler alert, are all fake names. They're just like, I'm my name's Timmy Timerson. We'll get to it. Jim Smith Ar reef. Yeah. Right. Is the editor. Thomas Smith. We're not buying it, dude.

We're not buying it. Also, they come up right away and they're like, and don't worry, we're not going to show Mohammed. I know you guys sometimes kill people first, assuming maybe that that's what that was supposed to be in that cartoon. We will not show him at all. He's going to be like, I'll have a disclaimer there. Yeah. And it's also if you look at the name of the company, I had to know like what the hell else have these people made. And so they've also brought us such fine films as the right choice moral stories, the needy the greedy moral stories and the cow of the children of Israel. So like once you get through this movie, you're gonna want more.

So like, tell me more about this cow. I just want to say I felt very attacked by the cow of the children of Israel. I've lost a lot of weight lately. I've been working on the court. Yeah, but it was a good documentary. So we, we get all of our various disclaimers. Please don't kill us, et cetera. And then we get the credits and the credits are coming out of sand. So my first note is juroracist. I'm just telling you what happened in the

movie. All right. So now we, we move over. We check in with a, with a combo, which is apparently decked out for the pride parade. I like it. I did too. I did do what usually when I see it's just a dogly black rocket, it's got always pretty, uh, rainbow colors on it this time. And I just want to be clear that from the first second of this movie, you are made aware that animated is a strong word for what this movie is. It's somewhere between flip book and animator. It's not a flip book, It's somewhere between flip book and animated. It's not flip book, but it's definitely not animated. Yeah. When it first came up, I was kind of impressed.

I was like, whoa, this is Muslim Aladdin. It doesn't look so bad. And then when you look closely, it's a little bit jerky on the animation, especially in the battle scenes, as we will get to later. Yeah. I'm pretty sure they hired the guy

that Disney tried to euthanize like 30 years. So yeah, no, the thing is, is the animation looks like it's going to be straight up good and tell there are humans moving and you're like, oh no, no, it's going to be a South Park. You very much walk away from this going, oh, at some point in the negotiations, someone said, okay, well, what if it's not 60 frames a second, what if it said 10 frames a second? Right. Yeah. I guess.

And they were like, cool. All right. We're talking. Now we're talking good. So in this hergy, jerky fashion, we see a family, they're bringing their lamb to the market. The little kid is super stoked. She gets to sell her lamb.

I think. Oh, God, this kid. I was simultaneously freaked out and really inspired by this child because they look like they're about 10 years old. And I'm saying they because I can't tell whether it was a girl or a boy. And so I think this child might be my gender. But they look to be somewhere around 10 years old, but the voice is a three year old. It's creepy.

Yeah, impossibly squeaky. Yeah, yeah. No, and it felt awful lot like a 31 year old dude just got, you know, they're like also read for the kid. What? All right. So they pass a bomb in the street. The bomb doesn't look well. And he turns to the little girl and he's like, remember what the Quran teaches about

charity? And I'm like, man, it's a good thing they didn't find a gay guy on the street corner or a tree. There'll be a very different opening for the movie. They just look up onto the roof, see the guys that threw him off. You guys are doing great. Doesn't look like you changed his mind down here. You might want to come get him again. That's in the book. But it was just a normal guy who wasn't any of those things. So instead they used him as a project for their Muslim prosperity.

They are right. Exactly. It does seem to look wider than the other characters. And like, I'm thinking from the point of view of this movie, that makes him bad. So like, they're helping the poor white guy. Like, I don't know if that was intentional, but that was something that I thought about. What if Muslim movies have a magical white guy? The way that Chris wanted to have a magical black guy? We might be, you might be on to something here. So

we'll have to watch some more. Most of the bad guys looked pretty white. I don't know. She might be right about that. Yeah. Yeah. No, interesting. Interesting. Darkened the lights. Okay.

So, yeah. So dad's like, we always have to be charitable and good son or daughter. I'm not exactly sure. Because that's how Muslims operate. And if we didn't do that, we'd be no better than those pagans that used to live here, used to live here, used to live here. So the rest of the film will be a flashback to that, right? To that story.

I can't believe the pagans are the fucking back guys at this movie. Like, maybe I'm just not well educated on the history of Islam, but since when have pagans been like evil, murderous people, aren't they usually just like smoking pot in the basement? All the pagans I've ever met. This would be, I want to redo this movie, but recast it with like the 2010s version of what a pagan means. And yeah, all the time they're just coming in there murdering a bunch of people dancing topless around a fire. It's like, fuck, man. We were just doing a thing.

Um, yeah, so we get a we get a flash right now. Dad is apparently like first generation Muslim. This character's name is Malik. I'm telling you that movie doesn't tell us that we find out in act three that the guy's name is Malik, but anyway, so we have something to refer to him as. I'll just throw it out there. And he used to be a poor kid that got robbed a lot. And I love there's this scene where he's like, he's got this money and this guy is trying to take his money because I guess he loaned him something and he's like, I need this money. My family is hungry. And the guy's like, the dialogue is so bad. It's what you should have thought of that before.

Before what you decided to be more and need food. You should have thought about that before the unnamed backstory. Got to. We're supposed to fill that in. Some of these parentheses are supposed to be filled in, guys. Yeah. So, but we're basically supposed to see that this is just a shitty, shitty time to be alive in Mecca before, you know, Islam. Now it's awesome to be pouring them in the least. Guys, just come to your new engine, give you a job, you only have to do it once in the past and take care of your family. And we're required.

Yeah, a really bad bullying problem in Mecca. Like you walked down the street with your lunch money and some bully pulls you into a hallway and takes it off you. You don't really need to step in and do something here. That is exactly what they're in. Of course, look, they're selling this to kids because that's what the kids are going to relate to. So yes, they have the bully on the street take his lunch money literally, but he unrobs himself and makes a run for it. And then we just run through a series of plot device vices. I love this.

And this is so like, I mean, they're just pounding you over the head. And you have this guy that's, oh, mecca, thy name is kindness as people are chasing each other with sores. Yes. Right. And he just, he's like, oh, I'll hide in this whorehouse. No, how about this gambling, parlor? No, how about this opium dead?

No, how about this dog fighting ring? You know, he literally runs into a room that's an arrow man, sir. And so they're taking shots at arrow man, sir, in this movie. And he's like, yes, the arrows say you can go ahead and be a douche nozzle. Go for it, man. What he specifically says is no, go ahead and cheat the swordsmith. I'm like, yeah, what could go wrong with cheating the guy with all the swords? I'm, it is arrow mancy, I think, because I thought they heard tarot when the tea just

got clung to the last one. So here's the amazing thing. Arrow mancy is a thing, but it's based on where you shoot the arrows. It's not based on like pick an arrow any arrow. Yeah, well, we will learn throughout this movie that these guys suck at magic tricks. We, okay, so this is how bad it literally is. I couldn't have exaggerated it with all my dog fighting. He walks by a guy and the guy turns to the other guy.

He says, all right, one more roll of the dice. And if you lose, you'll be my slave forever. That's how bad it was. Forget setting down your fucking hammer. That's how bad it was. These guys do not fuck around with their game. Nope. It's like, like they can't just bet a dollar or something.

Which brings up the question, what was that guy gonna win? Yeah, right? All right, well, if you roll, if you fail, then you're my slave forever, but if you roll correctly, the robber is no longer on your square where you get all your wool. So yeah, we'll sit at that. Yeah, so, uh, Mel, like finally he gets away from the bad guys, he goes right to the bread place to buy some bread,

but just as he's about to do that, somebody punches him and takes his lunch money anyway. Ah. And the guy who is gonna get paid for the bread doesn't seem to be pissed that he doesn't have a customer who's like, get up and go away. Yeah, right, right. You're poor now, honey.

Apparently I knew that the only money you had was what was in your hand in the moment. So now we're going to open this next scene. Now, I believe I'd have to go back and double check for sure, but I believe every other scene in this movie is going to start with a bunch of evil greedy pagan priests sitting in an ostentatious, greedy, evil priest place. Yeah, right? It's very clear. It's very clear. priest sitting in an ostentatious greedy evil priest place. Yeah, right?

It's very clear. It's very clear someone watched Aladdin was like, who's your favorite character in Aladdin? I mean, obviously, Jafar, great. So we've agreed. We want nine Jafar's and they're in every other scene in the movie. Yeah.

Exactly the same page. Complete with pointy chins. And well, manicured facial hair. Yeah, they all have the evil guy goatee. Yeah. It was pretty hard to solve them apart except for the drunk guy with the bushy beard. Are you saying they all look the same to you? Is that what you're saying?

Yes. That's what I'm saying. So I'm not the one who made the slaves black in this movie. Okay. In R.E.s defense, I also felt like this movie was a racism test because not only are all the characters middle eastern, but they change outfits when they switch religions. And I'm like, no, no, no, you stay green turban guy or I'm not not but yeah, no

it's well that's also that also speaks to how bad the animators are. Let's be honest, you know, if that Korean animator thinks they all look the same, they all look the fucking same. So also, and this is something that they don't highlight a whole hell of a lot in their religion, but of course the cartoon can't ignore it. The fact that before the Islamic religion existed, the pilgrimage to Mecca was already a thing. Like, doesn't that really highlight how bullshit their religion is? I did not fucking know that. And I was like, whoa, like so it's almost like this was a cultural tradition that was

then adopted into the up and coming religion in order to appeal to more people. Yeah, almost like that. But of course that no, no, that would be like the Christians just adopting a day and calling it Christmas and pretending that Jesus was born that day. Yeah. This movie does a really good job of accidentally pointing out that Muhammad was like, I don't know, I like mecha. Nice weather's there.

There's this cheesecake place. Oh, I got to take you. I mean, there's always big lines, but I got to take you. So yeah, that's why it's the center of the universe. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So okay. So we've got this group of evil jafarers sitting around saying like, ah, boy, I'm pilgrim Sharash stupid and easy to rob and take money from, huh? And there's the one old guy that has determined to fuck up everybody else's mood. This fucking guy.

There's always one right every group, right? Oh, he's the fucking, he's the pilgrimage hipster. He's like, I saw Mohammed playing a garage for 25 people. Yes. Yeah, he's also, this is Mohammed's uncle. I should have like kept track of the character's name, but he's my, Mohammed's I don't think they ever gave him a name. I'm a guy who's an abu something. Everybody's an abu something. I'm a I do something everybody's is all of something I'm the guy says that's true that's their names Because like the evil guy who's obviously trying to play both sides of his like this is Abu Talib he is all

Like trying to suck up to the guy right right yeah line sticks out for me. Yeah, no, I was just saying they certainly they certainly did give him a name I just like yeah, they all kind of did run together for me. Sorry. Well, I mean, there's such a distinct and well fleshed out characters. Well, fat drunk guy I got, right? Fat drunk guy was his own man. The only memorable character in the whole movie. I don't know. I'm pretty fond of red turban poetry. Yeah. I mean, I know we'll get to him later, but yeah, well, it takes a third of the movie for you to flesh him out as a different guy than blue turban poetry guy, but eventually, yes, it's quite, yeah, he's going to care. All right. So this is where we first get the Mohammed POV. I didn't know this was coming,

right? So I assumed that they would just always talk about Mohammed and he would never be on it. It could be like norms wife and sheers or something like that, but no, they went fucking POV. And if you're thinking to yourself, well, that seems tricky to animate. Yeah, I mean, trickier than they had, you know, how badly did you want this Muhammad POV to turn into either King's quest or porn the first time you saw on Instagram. Just like the Iraq lights up. He's like, oh, I died again. Are you see his gun in the bottom right corner?

Yeah, right, right. Exactly. There's this health meter across the laughter. Something. Yeah. Right. And let's be clear about how Muhammad is introduced for the scene. Right.

This is him going to the cave. It's Muhammad hated the mistreatment of women and slavery. So he went to a cave to pray. It's like Eli hated ramen noodles at midnight and porn. So he went to come on. Sometimes those are simultaneous. But Muhammad is such a good boy as he's walking up the mountain. He comes across a little mountain goat that has its foot caught in a thicket and he lets

it go because he's the greatest man who ever lived. Yeah. And keep in mind, we're not even allowed to see his hands. You know, he's like, he's even shier than Mormon Jesus is about his fingers. So we have to see, like they have to, to like it's you have to imagine him standing there with his hands just hanging to his sides at all times or the Ray where he was at horseback the reins have to be all the way back at his crotchers. I get it. Yeah, it's not very practical, but we see him he's walking up a mountain to go like a meditating I came because you know the religious answer to all of the world's problems just go sitting

in a corner and it gives the whole thing about you know, yeah, he was really mad about the greed and mistreatment of women. And then it added at the very end of that. And of course that everybody didn't have the right God, which was the one that he already believed in. Right. Yeah. And suddenly there was a light and an archangel.

And I'm thinking if there's an archangel why bother mentioning the fucking light, right? Like, you guys wouldn't believe it. I went to the room there and there was a werewolf and a kind of tacky bed spread. It was crazy. It's just like, oh, lad, like, lad, now in this day and age, can you believe it? And to wear with also, and this is amazing because so we, we, I've read this conversation before and I thought it would come off more elegant

or be sold better. Nope. It's just Gabriel was like, read and he was like, I don't know how to read. Read. I do not know how to read. Read. I'm Gabriel and you're a prophet. And also I'm Gabriel and you're a prophet. Also I'm Gabriel and you're a prophet. And I'm thinking to you're a prophet. I'm Gabriel and you're a prox. And I'm thinking to myself, like, what the fuck am I supposed to read? I'm in a cave. Well, there was light. You see.

Okay. He chose to the wall and there's just a book of erratica and he's just. Oh, right. But we don't actually get to see the archangel Gabriel. We just see the light, I guess, the emanating off of him. I don't know if that's a rule in Islam as well that you can't represent Gabriel or any of the angels or whatever, but it zooms out from the cave and you can see the light coming out from the cave. And I'm just like, and his heart grew three sizes.

But yeah. So Gabriel keeps asking Muhammad to read even though he's illiterate to the point where it just seems like he's clearly fucking with no, come on man, read it. No, seriously, seriously read it. I also love to that. Like, Muhammad's reaction here is to run away from it. And it's like, oh, well, it must have been real because when he ran away from it, Gabriel was still there. I'm like, no, you can't outrun a hallucination. I learned this at this point. Gabriel at this point. Gabriel at this point is like every shitty dude in an atheist convention. Like, you can get a hug.

Oh, God. Uh, no, I'm really glad you like the show, man. I have to go not here. Uh, you stay here and a bathe. Maybe you bathe. So you take a bath ever and I'll be never back. Ever. Eli's been grateful about the fans.

Yeah. I'm very grateful for you, Ari. Is it or Ari? Oh my gosh. So, okay. So, most wife here's about this. She goes to see a religious scholar because they didn't have anti-psychotics back then. And the religious scholars like, no, yeah, he's definitely a prophet. Couldn't have been making that shit up.

And the prophet immediately starts to equivocate about all the bad shit Muhammad does. He's like, oh, he is a prophet of God. Okay, but here's what these assholes are going to say. There's a lot of Mary's 11 year olds and very purposefully in slaves and entire nations. Um, but yeah, no, he's a great guy. Don't worry about all that stuff. What was that about marrying an 11 year old? Yeah, don't worry about it. 11 is the generation. Yeah, exactly.

That's the high end of the range. But they make it very clear, his wife never hesitated. She knew a good thing when she saw it. History's first gold digger. Clearly. Probably not. But yeah, one of the early ones. And her entire reason for believing him about the Islam stuff is that he's always told

the truth before and he's a nice guy. Yeah. TM. guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We get a flash cut to her in Muhammad at a press conference and she's like, I stand by my husband. There's a nine year old who's like, yeah, me too, man.

She's stressed. And also we got a Jewish lawyer. Oh, Jewish lawyer. All right. So it's an odd numbered scene. So it's back to the evil money grubbing priests and they are pissed about this Muhammad thing. And I love they started off going like, look, even his cousin and his adopted son believe him. Like really, that's the best you can do. One's name is Zane, which I think is really anachronistic and was probably just someone writing their shitty little kid into the news.

How amazing would it be for just some blonde kid with his bangs over his eyes to just be always standing there with a skateboard. He never rides in the background of this music. Okay, Zane, we're going to go fight the Meccans now. Oh, no. I want to hang on my girlfriend. She's like, you're gonna go fight the meckens now. Oh, no. I'm gonna hang on my girlfriend. She's like, you're not my real dad. You never let me see Amber anymore. A carfter name. It's my shoe.

I also love how Muhammad's enemies throughout this movie will discuss him the way the bad guys in a David A.R. White movie that David A.R. White don't talk about him. If that's a meaningless comparison, like they're constantly like, look, I mean, we all know Mohammed is incredibly honest and has a huge cock. It swings to his knees. But, but like, I don't think he's dangerous. You know, like everyone has to start out because look again, these voice actors don't want to get stabbed either. They're like, you know, they're going to start out because look again these voice actors don't want to get stabbed either They're like, you know, they're gonna see through this comment Smith's shit eventually You had bad guys in a day-to-day our white movie and I had classical liberals talking about alt-writers There's just some trolls on the internet. It's not a big deal. I don't need to worry about them

Now we have Trump. No, you're not that bad a guy. What I'm worried about is these yelling college kids over. I mean, Muhammad, he thinks he saw an angel, but this college kid, he raised his voice at me. So, you know, let's focus on that for six years. So, so and we should also point out that this is where the character, the narrator, Malik, becomes a Muslim and takes his parents to like, secret Muslim church. Yes. I love this so much.

The guy outside the door's like, inside quickly, there's more tonight than ever before. I'm like, is this where we see the 10-year-old? I'm sorry, Mary. Thank you. You're welcome. He old Andy Wilson's house. I love it. Like, because of course they're going to tell that. Like, you know, is it ye oldy Andy Wilson's house? I love it. Like, because of course they're going to tell

that part of the story, right? Like, yeah, right. Yeah, they're going to at least mention it one time that it ever happened, right? Yeah, maybe not. Maybe they want to. Yeah, keep waiting. Keep waiting.

Suspense, suspense. Oh, yeah, maybe they will somewhere in this film. We'll celebrate mom and Muhammad's 25 year anniversary. We're right. Which is also her 15th birthday. Crazy. All right. So we get a bunch of people sneaking off to Muslim church or whatever.

They're all the slaves apparently can just come and go as they please, which seems odd. Seems like they choose something other than church. If they had that option. One of the slaves just gets up and leaves the barn and the horses are looking at him. Like, really, this is the choice you're making with your life. And then after he left, there are probably whispering to another like, what should we do? This is getting out of hand. Oh, it's nothing. It's just a phase. Just leave him alone. And then 9-11 happened and it don't be like the horses and complacent. Yeah. And then 9-11 will happen in a year. Exactly. The horses in this movie can teach us a lot of lessons. So yeah, so they all go to listen to Muhammad preach and the sermon's basically like,

so here's everything you ever wanted to hear to make. You feel better about yourselves. And also you belong to me now. You know, you're your motive, right? Remember I am the, I'm Al-Hamin, the honest one. Yeah. Right. And I have a section here that I call not even a little Mohammed. All people are equal.

Not even a little Mohammed. Women aren't possessions and are just as important as any man. Not even a little. No, no, look, the, the, the, the Korean had a lot to say about women's rights, but specifically, like, as a percentage of men's rights, right? Like what percentage of men's rights did they get? It was not 100. Um, also environmentalism.

What? Yes, environmentalism. Yeah, Mohammed, he went green early. He was a big recycler. All right, guys, we're going to separate the stuff. They actually do that at the plant. They don't do that at the plant. That's not a thing. They tried it in California, but it's not a thing we're separating plastics and metals. Well, I actually heard that plastic can be worse for the environment. You know what, Steve, you're a dick. You're a dick, Steve. Okay.

This starts a running theme throughout the movie, which happens several times, but this is the first time I noticed it. They're trying to make Muhammad sound like Jesus. Like, is that a thing that Muslims do? Like, Christians have the whole Lego Jesus. He taught everyone to love the poor and to treat everyone equally and to free the slaves, even though he never

fucking said that. But like, they're trying to paint Muhammad in the same light. Yeah. No, all the religions do that with their prophets, right? All of the prophets have to say bare minimal fucking morality message. And so it all sounds the same when you start hearing it like that. But yeah, the character of Muhammad and the character Jesus are only separated by the fact that a Muhammad killed a lot of fucking people and be definitely existed.

So, um, but, but I love to because like they say this now and it doesn't sound so bad. But like when Muhammad sitting right here, the whole thing of like, you know, there is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet. When you're saying and your his prophet, suddenly it seems way more self-serving. Way more clumpy, right? So, it's the clumpy. This movie is very clumpy. Look, if my kid comes out of the doctor's office and is like, it's important to eat

your fruits and vegetables and Dave is the best doctor ever. Yes, he's the only doctor. I'm like, oh, okay. I mean, fruits and vegetables may be, but the Dave is the best doctor ever. Yes, he's the only doctor. I'm like, oh, okay. I mean, fruits and vegetables maybe, but the Dave is the only doctor thing. We're talking to a psychology. You wrote. Show me on the doll where Dave became the best doctor.

Yeah. All right, so now we cut to the slaves, reading the Declaration of Independence or something. Ha, ha, ha. So the two of these, these two slaves that were going to follow through the movie, they're one of them's become a Muslim. And he is owned apparently by one of the jafar's, one of the evil Muslim hating priests that happened in the stable just then to talk shit about Muhammad. And of course, the Muslim slave is like, dude, you do not talk shit about mouth. Yeah.

And he's things. He goes, and I literally wrote this as a joke earlier in the script. He goes, you can whip my body, but you cannot whip my soul. And actually, I will say later, I mean, I'm going to try. I'm going to put dualism to the test right now. Let me tell you my friend. That is some next level kink shit like that. Like this movie gave me ideas.

I was like, that's on my fat like profile right now looking for someone to whip my soul. All right. So mallet comes, we get this on the scene. mallet comes running home. Mom and dad are there and they've become Muslim now too. And he's like, hey, you know, mom had sounded the fucking Muslim tornado siren or whatever. The Muslim symbol is in the air, whatever, we got to run over to the Kaaba. There's something happening.

It might be dangerous. Everyone I love come quick and run with me right towards the unread. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And the prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said unto his people, Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap, Wap. Yeah, because the narrator has to say, and then Mohammed, peace and blessing, me on, said a bunch of really cool shit. For example, you know, so it, but apparently this is Mohammed's speech here. Great rhetorical device. He says, Hey, if I told you there was an army coming, would you guys be nervous

and really, really listening to every word I said? And they're like, yes. And he's like, OK, I'm going to tell you that at the beginning, then I'll back down from that later. You know, this and this could have been a great scene because I was really hoping that Mohammed was just fucking with him and was doing that thing. Like, if I told you I was fucking your sister, I'm not saying I am. But like, I'm saying, what if I told you that, like, what would you do? What if I accidentally brought an army here? That was a good case. As he's giving this speech, he's kind of scanning the crowd left to right.

And I was really disappointed because there wasn't like some kind of a heat detection or a scanner in his business, plain old vision. I was like, I'm a comment. I'm in a POV if you can't shoot lasers. Oh my God. Mohammed walks up. Give me your clothes. So be a dick. Now, obviously the evil priests are a huge pissed about this. They're like, hey, you're a random person in the street. Do you believe any pissed about this. They're like, hey, you read a person in the street. Do you believe any of that? And she's like, yeah, I believe every word of this. Like, ah, fuck. So they're like, well, is it all attack? Muhammad, but Muhammad's believers, they have a plan. They're going to stand in a circle around him to protect him from all of the fruits and vegetables and the eyes of people watching the movie.

Well, yeah, well, that's it. Yeah, obviously. You know how you know your profit is a super humble self-sacrificing guy. He lets everyone form a human chain. So he doesn't make a whole new. I was just worried about all the fruits and vegetables they were wasting. I thought Mohammed told you to respect the earth. Yeah, right.

Look at a fucking viral. Mohammed commanded us to scoop them up and to compost. I'm Mohammed told you to respect the earth. Yeah. Right. People look at a fucking viral. Mohammed commanded us to scoop them up and to compost. I'm not fucking composting. I will watch the entire apartment. It gets moldy into the ocean. Thank you. Thank you. Our mates don't take it out. All right. So Mohammed gets away fine. The evil priest comes into the stable and he sees that slave from before, but now he's dressed all Muslim. Apparently, that's what those clothes are.

He should have used the excuse that it was cosplay. Why didn't you think of that? So, so the guy's like, oh, fuck, no, I am gonna strangle you with your turban and shit until you deny Muhammad's words. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, we all have some version And I'm like, yeah. Okay. We all have some version of, all right, here we go. Oh, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, but all right, if they've understood that to be a safety thing and all along. So but but then we get to the serious torching, right? He's not just going to strangle this

guy to death. We're going to do the end of Braveheart, but as a cartoon, as Callie said. So he starts like whipping the guy and yelling at him like, did I, Muhammad? And he's like, freedom. and yelling at him like, did I am a homin' and he's like, freedom! What's a fucking boulder on his chest? Yeah. That boulder just not look big enough. And you can tell the animators were like, I don't know how to do a big boulder. There, a rock.

And it's like, that's like a 30 pound rock. Yeah, but you know, that's not comfortable, right? He's on his 30 pounds. I can barely lift her. That's heavy. I'm a person. That's he's a big, big love slave. I'm sure he can take it. Well, no, what I love about it is this huge fat guy that's like putting it on him. So you know that that's like the heaviest rock that guy can lift in the slaves trying to act like it's really heavy. He's like, oh, no. Look at that.

This is gotta be 19, 20 pounds of stone on my tummy. So yeah, so, but he's just about to kill this thing because the slave won't deny Muhammad, but just then some rich dude shows up to buy him. It is the business proposition, ex machina. Exactly. So he's like, how much for the slave? He's like 10 gold pieces. I'm like, that's way too much. And he's like, here you go. Here's Like 10 gold pieces of like 10 that's way too much. He's like, here you go. Here's 10

He's like, haha I'd taken three and he's like I had a give and you a hundred and is like, yeah, it was better in Pretty woman when they did that Also conveniently the exact amount of gold. He happened to have in the bag. Yeah, why is that right? The like the clip of money always just happens to have exactly the 10 grand and no, no, but yeah, yeah. And he's like, I need to bag back though. And it's not a bag included. That's a nice bag. It's mine. 10 fuckable pieces. You can buy your own. Okay. So the conspirators conspires some more. I'm running out of ways to introduce these scenes guys. I've never been big Latin by the end of this.

And I only bring this scene up because I have to, like, because the one guy goes, like, the Quran is nothing but idle babbling. So I'm like, that's exact. Those are the two best words. Like, if you had to do it in two words, you could not describe the fucking book better than that. I don't babbling. And the other guy's like, oh, no, don't say that on camera.

And we don't even fucking know, like, that the Quran is a thing at this point. It never explained to us how the Quran was recited or written down or anything. It's just like, oh, the Quran exists now and we don't like it. And we're like, okay, I got. Yeah, we fast forwarded to that like a motherfucker, didn't we? And the way they make up for this, right? The idle babbling. They're obviously everyone went, oh, that's way too accurate.

So the guy goes, no, no, no, no, no. You know what? It's obviously magic poetry. It's obviously such good poetry that it's magic. That's, those are their words in this fucking movie. They must be using magical poetry to bring down our power. She's and somebody is incredulous and is like magic and he goes, it's the only reasonable explanation.

Yes, the Korean is every shitty indie band. They're like, it's just ahead of their time. You just don't. It's not bad. It's just so goddamn good as all. Yes, So it's hard down. You don't get it. So the, all right. So the, um, the, all the evil priests go and they're like, Hey, Uncle Guy, you really have to do something about Mo and he's like, Oh, guys, remember when Mo kept us from slitting each other's throats over a black rock, we need him. So, but the

uncle finally agrees to talk him down at least need him. So, but the uncle finally agrees to talk him down at least a little. So we get to see that conversation in POV. Oh, this is my favorite scene. I love it. Yeah. But the uncle would like him to stop preaching. Damn it. And Mohammed responds by saying, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, something, something sun and moon and uncles on board. Yeah, that's about what it takes. This is awesome.

Within the span of about two minutes. So the uncle is telling Muhammad that he's being divisive and he's making everyone do dumb shit like kill each other. And maybe he should tone it down with the whole Islam thing. And then Muhammad gets very, very sad. And then the uncle suddenly says, okay, do anything you want. And I will support you until I die like immediately. Yeah. Like man, you weren't trying very hard there. Right. And the thing that seems to

change his mind is Muhammad looks at the window and goes, even if they were to hand me the sun and the moon, I wouldn't stop talking. And it's like, what? Yes. You know, if they were to put the sun in the moon and your mouth, you would feel that kind of, I don't get it. I was kind of willing to let that one go, because I've watched anime, and you know,

like when there's a shitty translation from Japanese to English, I'm like, I'm sure that actually means something. Like when the Koreans threaten that the wolves are coming to strangle us in the night, like, no, wolves don't strangle, but I've sure you had a thing you were going for there. So, Mohammed is like jump off a bridge and the uncle's like, no, and then Mohammed's like, yes, and then the uncle's like, okay. Yeah. No, he has all the stick to it.iveness of fucking Donald Trump trying to prove how sane he is in an immigration meeting. He's like, yeah, no, I agree with that idea too. If you continuing to do the thing, I ask you to stop doing. And so, and that scene wraps up, he, uncle still loves him anyway, whatever.

But we also have to address, because this is where we first meet Hamza. And I legitimately, I shit you not. The first time Hamza is referenced, I thought the character was a talking bow. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha reference the first, it was like, Hamza is a bow that shakes angry. Well, I'm Hamza. The, yeah, right. I'm here. He's the candle. That's a good thing. You mess with my homad.

So what else to fight with? Hamza before it's over. So yes, but, but first we have to check in with more priests and lavish temples bitching about most more. And this time they walk out of the temple and wouldn't you know it? Muhammad's right outside praying. So the priest yells at him. And this is such a, okay, here's the point of this scene, right?

This is the scene from the Hadith or one of them where the guy comes out and insults Muhammad and Muhammad doesn't kill him, which is a huge deal. But then it's the worst story because Hamza then comes and kicks the shit out of the guy. And in some versions of the story kills him. So it is the worst for it. It's just like, it's like, and he turned, and Jesus turned the other, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, scene exists. And now we have to have the awkward conversation where these two characters meet. One of them were not allowed to see, one of them were not allowed to see or here. This is like a the lost bit from scene O'Evill here, no evil. I would give all the money in the world for the day the guy came in and was like, all right, so little bit of a challenge to the animation today. So little bit of a challenge to the animation today. Um, we took our daughter's talking, one of them can talk and the other one, if you show

it, they will kill us. And we need, we need a conversation and keep it kid friendly. All right. I'll see you guys at five. Right. We're doing trust false. So here's what we see. We see the outside of a building with a window in it.

You can see a bow sticking out sort of shaking when the guy's talking a little bit in the corner of that window. That's how we watch a scene. It's like, wow, the cartoon is poorly blocked. Congratulations, guys. Only religion can do that. So yeah. So and now we have to get a Malik's mom getting tortured to death in the name of Muhammad because it's a cartoon. You got to have somebody tortured to death here and there, right? Of course. They tie him up to a wooden stakes that he can't help his mom. And I swear to God, they

tied him up with sausage links. I'm telling you, I'm not a moist noise. They even put the family in there was like, they were tying him up. No, he's they even put the family in there was like, they were sighing and love. Oh my God. So you had some like incredibly racist anti Muslim Trumpian guy in the animation. It's just like, yeah, yeah, put sausage everywhere. Sneak more pork into it. Yeah.

So yeah, so they've got this, this dude, he's tied up in his mom's tie below a minute. She's like, you know, deny the profitor. I'm going to murder you. And he's like, in his mom's tied below a minute she's like you know deny the profitor I'm gonna murder you and he's like mom just deny the profit she's like would you deny the profit just to not get murdered and I'm screaming at the screen yes the fuck yeah I would and what kind of dick would the profit be if he was gonna hold me to that I made fun of his whole book for patreon dollars. I think you're really not understanding how easily I will deny and make fun of your prophet. Right, but not cancer lady. She's gonna marty the fuck out of herself. And just as she does, we literally pan out to heaven. Like this lady is getting speared to death because she believes in the wrong God. And did you notice the music in this scene because this movie is fucking stoked about that fact. Oh, yeah, no look what I mean is the most well

up and it's like It's the most it's the most Generically like bullshit Disney happy music ever as this woman is being fucking speared to death. Yeah I know you're gonna see her poof into heaven, but she's like still got a spear and she's like, Oh, do I have this forever now? And they were like, yeah, sorry. Yeah, you're going to have to stare as the elevators are not going to work for you. Yeah, it's a Beetlejuice system.

Sorry. And the narrator's like, Islam's first martyrs. Yeah. Yeah, right. The good guys, you want to be grow up and be just like them kid. I was so Somebody tell this marrieder about Islam's most recent martyrs. Yeah, right.

So, so the prophet decides everybody needs to go to Abyssinia because there's a good Christian king there. And you know how Christians and Muslims always get along so well. So this is a bad, let's go ahead. Let's go hang out with the Christians. That'll work out for us long term. Yeah, exactly. They won't take advantage of us at all. So Malik is going to lead them there. They have to rush off late at night for reasons that they don't explain that. I don't know why. Because they're oppressed. Oh, okay. That's what a pressed people do is run off in the middle of the day. That's how you can tell they're a press.

It's like single people and left over Chinese food. Gotcha. I just learned that my dad was a pressed. That's what he said. Having a hard time getting cigarettes and many other things. There are a lot of gas stations close to my house. So, uh, so once again, the priest through lavish location, the mission of I'm a homad, again, that's the fucking scene.

Um, and they're like, fuck, man, all the Muslims disappeared. We need to go after them. Everyone get on your horses. I'm sure the Koreans can animate that well. from everyone get on your horses. I'm sure the Koreans can animate that well. The horses in these movies run like me in the middle of a diarrhea. They're just like, oh, legs, the Kimbo arms are flying out. Just knock people out of the way. This is already gone wrong. I'm just trying not to make it go worse. Get out. I swear they just used paper cutouts.

The thing was up and down for the horses. Yes. Mary go around the horses have more life than them. Oh my God. If I'm speaking to the old folks, I guess, but it's like the Pegasus in the original clash of the Titans. It's that fucking bad. If they pass by this old guy and he's just like, you need call. Oh, no, you need to call him. That is way worse. But, last year. But dammit, if the cavalry doesn't show up just after all the Muslims got on a boat

and they're like just three inches out in the water, like, ah, you horse can't swim. And their timing is like fucking Roland Emmerich. Oh, yes. Like, oh, it just at the very last minute. And then, of course, the other note is like, as they're floating away, I couldn't help but think, I'm not your buddy, guys. I'm not your guy, pal.

I just wanted the cartoon, because the music swells again, and I wanted so badly for this cartoon to just very regally slow motion flip off the guy on the horses. Yeah. So good. Dude. I for some reason thought that the guys on the horses were going to start waving to the

muslims. Bye. I was convinced that they were going to sit there all looking proud of themselves. And then one of the guys was going to light an arrow on fire and shoot it at the boat. Like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I would have been the smart thing to do. But instead one of the horsemen, oh, I laughed out loud at this part. He, he looks to his left at the guy. He looks to his right at the other guy and they just goes, uh, very pointedly. Um, so okay. Now we got to a rich dude pray into a heathen god, not quite a guy in a lavish

temple that's an evil priest because this guy said, I don't evil priest, but damn close. But the main evil priest, this is the guy in the red turban, who we've finally established is just a genuine character and he will be in a red turban for the rest of the time. Thankfully, so I can keep track. Um, has brought this rich guy a chest of gold and he's like, Hey, take this to the king of Abyssinia and tell him to give me all the Muslims for it. Okay. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm looking at the size of this chest and I'm thinking this

guy's a king, right? And this chest of gold is like, I mean, it's the size of some like shit that I bought from Amazon. And I'm just thinking to myself,, I mean, it's the size of some like shit that I bought from Amazon. And I'm just thinking to myself, like that's, that's like that time somebody tried to convince me to sell R.E. for five bucks. So, okay, but that's what it was. That's what it was. How much would it cost me? Yeah, if you didn't like my idea, you didn't have to bring it up on air.

You said that. Well, what I loved about this is that green guy will be lovingly strokes treasure guy for the rest of the movie. He's always touching treasure. I'm really connected to this because this is all of our business meetings. Noah's just like, all right, guys, so the edits a little short this week. And I'm just covered in pearls like, let's charge $18 an episode on attoons. No, no, you'll get a piece of treasure. What if we stop paying heath? He won't notice.

So we cut over to the Abyssinian king getting paid off. And so we have to have this, and this is a wonderful fucking moment, right? So the evil bad guys trying to get the king to take the gold and give them the Muslims. So they can go kill them. And he's like trying to convince this Christian king that Muslims aren't good. He's like, they don't even believe in your Jesus. Do you Muslims? And they're like, Oh, yeah. Okay. So here we go. We're, yeah. And they, these talking circles for like 15 minutes, don't answer the goddamn question. They're like, let me go back to act one, tell you what's happened in the movie so far. Hopefully you'll have forgotten the thing about Jesus by the time I get done.

And I just thought to myself, this guy's the next Republican presidential. I'm like, ha ha ha. And what I love about this is that they're very clearly like, yeah, I mean, you know, Jesus was a guy. It's like when someone who you can't lie to ask you about their terrible significant

other, they're like, so what do you think? And you're like, oh, man hats, huh? He wears hats. And it has a face with a nose to eyes. And that's how they describe Jesus and the king is like, it's pretty obvious. We're all in the same page here. You can stay. You can stay. This is going to go super well. Trust me. Yeah.

Right. And then right then, some right when Abyssinian YouTubers crowdsourced a few boats, it really went downhill quickly after that. It got ugly. So okay. So now it's time to go to a fucking room full of evil priest bitch about Muhammad. And the fat drunk priest shows up and he is, he is off his tits wasted. He's like Andrew at reason.

That's a narrow cast joke, but I think Andrew will get it. So I think enough people have seen Andrew drunk at this point that our audience consists of a majority of people that have seen him drunk. this point that our audience consists of a majority of people that have seen him drunk. I think that's fair. Andrew, check him, make sure that's not libelous. So that's bringing out Andrew. Yeah, we have been trying to get the mirror match going with Andrew against himself for a

while. Yeah. So all right. So yeah, the poetry cleans the rich guys heart. The drunk guy is just staggering. And he's like, I've got an idea and I'm like oh do you think yeah, I'm gonna shout on this rooftop Go to the roof and he starts yelling. I'm tired. I'm wasted. I love you darling So

But the idea they come up with is they're like hey, what if we just shun all the Muslims, right? We could make a law that's just nobody's allowed to sell or buy from Muslims or Muslims sympathize. You want to just kill them? Maybe so much quicker. You're doing the same thing. And also they tack on at the end, no marrying them, which I love is like, we're not going to sell them anything. We're not going to buy and no marrying them.

It's like, yeah, I figured, man, for selling them food. Okay, but can we marry them? All right. Now it's going on the list. See? For shitting on the can, can you even imagine what it would be like to be denied goods and services and marriage just because of the need of your identity?

I can't even fucking imagine how horrible that would be. All right, looking to my heart. No, I can't even fucking imagine how horrible that would be. All right, looking to my heart. No, I can't imagine. That's like even a little little. I don't know. I guess I just buy food somewhere else and not make a big deal about it, but whatever, I'm not a big deal.

Remarket. All right, so now we have to get our little montage of Muslims being denied food. So and dad can't buy bread. We see Malik. He's walking around and he's like, goes through the one thing and then they just like close that he pulls the curtain down in front of his shop. But it's not like the metal shutters on stores because there's just a guy standing behind it.

I wanted him to go around. Yeah, you know that we know you're still there. I can see you, Dave. I'm going to have object permanence back then. Oh, my God, the bread starts gone. So. Yeah. And so the Muslims are rock walking around starving. So they all go to the hills to eat bad soup and try to catch lizards because they won't let them go to Abbasinia where you know, the Muslims have it great, you know, because what's better than Ethiopia? I'm sorry, it's a whole country. It really is. They leave the city and they set up a

camp in Ishbal. And if you get that reference, please friend, request me on Facebook. We have to talk about. Okay. So we cut to Abyssinia though. Malik, the main character has heard about all of this starving the Muslims and he's like, I'm going to go back and save my family. And we're like, hey, way to go Malik. He's like, after all, it's been three years. I'm like, what the fuck have you been doing? Oh my god, I've been at the museum. Seeing stuff. And then of course, I had my relationship with Stephanie, which I'm still not moving on from. It's cool. It's pretty cool. And of course, we have to learn

here that Muhammad is also starving. And he just won't stop giving up his food for all the other people. He's such a good guy. So fucking good guy. Oh, good he is. It was serious like look at it. Do it now. Also, not what the current teachers, the Korean has parts where it's like, and Muhammad gets the big piece of cake.

Yeah. Right. He gets to cut the cake and get the first choice of slices. But, but Muhammad has an idea. He has an epiphany. So the idea apparently involves sending the uncle as a messenger to go tell the evil priest something important. This is fucking hilarious. Okay. So the evil priest shows up and he goes like all right, so my homin made a revelation and if it turns out that the revelation is wrong You can have him and do whatever you want to him But if it turns out that it's right you have to lift the band and let it's by food and shit and the guys like yeah

No, okay, I'm like who the fuck would take that deal without knowing the revelation and why would you even have things like oh wow That was fucking easy. Yeah, he said water was wet. Give me some food. Guys, we gotta hear the thing first. Oh, sorry, next time. But it's not like the thing is any more impressive than that. It's really nice.

He says, Muhammad got a vision that that packed that you guys wrote about how you're not allowed to sell to Muslims got eaten by bugs because apparently muz the people of mecca haven't figured out yet at this point in history that paper tears. I guess yes. Whatever. Eighth worst magic ever. Yes. I'm a gentleman watch the paper.

And that paper the movie told us has been there for three years. Yes, right. Right. Right like if it doesn't. Yes. If they walk in, then there's like a Labrador sized mosquito with a toothpick next to it. I'm like, okay, he has a pretty good trick, but no, they just walk into it. And yeah, well, it's not there anymore.

I must have been eaten by bugs. Mohammed did say it wasn't not a black card. But it is still there. No, and it has a very. Oh right. Written message on it. Yes. Everything was eaten by the bugs except the part that says in the name of God. The top. Here's the thing. If it was eaten except for like three pieces in the middle that's. Right. I've got a little strands that connect these far away words from one another. So it stays together. Yeah, that's cool. But it's just the top. Those were the

first words of the declaration. Right, right. Except for to whom it may concern. Right, I'd be like freaking out because like after the buildings fell, there was a cross left in the goddamn beams. Yeah. So I also love that that like this is where Malik shows up and he's like, Hey, guys, heard you were starving? I just showed up with some Taco Bell. And they're like, yeah, no, we already, we already took care. It's been three years, but we just took care of it yesterday. So great timing. Great timing. I'll still take the Taco Bell though. Yeah. Right. Yeah, exactly. So yeah. So things are looking bright for the Muslims, but can it last? No, it can't.

This is where we learn that Muhammad's wife is sick. I go this dude had 13 fucking wives. Yes. All right. Two of us were concubines and we have a 15 minute scene about how sad he was about the death of this wife. Yeah, yeah, he had a fucking on golden pond montage here. Yeah, but she was the alpha apparently. Yeah, I want to point out my wife and I almost haven't beat four more years. We're going to have Mohammed beat Mohammed in whatever the hell

her name was. Yeah, but they called this the year of sadness Apparently because we were sad and really bad at What are you astronomers? Yeah, we're called a black hole Yeah, so but but I'm thinking myself you spent the last three years starving on a hill but the last three years starving on a hill. Mohammed's wife dies. That's the year of sadness. I guess the year of mild inconvenience for most of you isn't it?

And somebody, somebody's like the prophet's wife is sick. And then some other ladies like Kadeja because they had to specify which one was right. I wanted them to get it wrong and go through a bunch of wise. You're not talking about the gringy. Are you saying, are you sure? Yeah, Ieasha, the nine year old. Okay, well, she could be seven. I don't want to talk about it.

All right. Do you mean her? No. Okay. Because we all know why she'd be dying. She got the flu. But of course, we're not going to have a whole fucking year of sadness just for a woman dying.

There's also a man who dies. That would be the old uncle. And I love the POV bit we get of the uncle's dying. Where's the uncle's like the last thing I want, Mohammed, my adopted son, nephew thing, is for you to get along with all of these other evil priests and in Mohammed, turns the evil priest and says, Hey, man, we can get along fine if you join my religion. I think we're going to talk before you dismantle your nuclear arsenal. Give me a fucking break.

Muhammad agrees not to bother the pagans anymore. And then he immediately demands that they denounce their religion and start following his religion. Yeah. Right. Right. that they denounced their religion and start following his religion. Yeah, right, right, unless, which is the same as just going dot, dot, dot, not. And I love the whole, the whole speech that his uncle gives because in my mind, he's being super fucking caddy and passive aggressive.

Like, you just fucked this whole thing up. You're so special. Yes. Look how special you are as you take us to war. You know, we always knew you are an indigo child. So of course, but now up until now, Muhammad's uncle has been the leader, but now that he's dead, the evil fat drunken priest becomes the leader of the evil priest tent place. And I love this exchange because the guys like call yourself king if you want, but don't get in my way. And then I hear a narrator voice next time on real husbands of

men. I thought it was so funny because they go, what is the problem? What's our number one problem? The guys like Muslims and he's like, no, Muhammad. And he's like, okay, man, you know that's Muslims. Oh, yeah, obviously. It's got a dollar in the negativity chart. It's got a serious trumpet ban and dynamic going on. The drunk idiot guy who's the the technical king and then the guy who really knows what's going on and pulling all the string. Yeah. And it is slowly pans over to Michael Wolfe who's writing on a scroll. Don't mind me, guys. Who fires that guy? Who is? All right. Well, since they couldn't have made this any clearer for me, if they had had a little title card that came up and said, Hey, toss it to the interstitials here. No, I guess

we're going to pause here for a quick break, but first, and give act through the hard. So, did I ever tell you about Moses? Is that joke not makes sense to you? Would it kill you to catch up on the scathing archives? Find out the answer to some other questions and more when we return for the aberrently violent conclusion of Muhammad the last prophet. Hey, welcome to typical vitamin nutrition arena. I look like a stretch arm strong filled with bowling balls. How you really do? What can I help you with? Yeah, my co-hosts are always giving me a hard time about eating nothing but hot pockets. So I'm looking for a protein bar that's a little better for me. Oh, no problem. Taste this. Sure. Oh, what is that? That's the sand bar. 834 grams of protein.

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bottles. Yeah, you need to stop doing that little dude. Now got it. Okay. So where do I get these things? These are ex bars. Well, for 25% off your first order, visit rxbar.com forward slash awful and enter the promo code awful. Check out awful, huh? Like how all the other protein bars taste? Exactly. One watch reflects. No, I think I'm, I think I'm good. Please. Hi, thanks for coming in, have a seat.

Don't mind if I do. Hey, thanks. Yeah, now, before we get started, I want to just thank you for reaching out, for recognizing the importance of running your film past a respected Islamic research society before going to publication. I mean, we wouldn't want anyone to get offended. Or a stab in the face. Yeah, we're mostly worried about stabbed in the face.

No, I get it. I get it. Right. So we reviewed the film and we have a couple of suggestions. Oh, shit. Okay. So we love how you got around using Muhammad's voice by having the narrator explain what he said, but we're afraid somebody who isn't totally paying attention might mistake that afraid somebody who isn't totally paying attention might mistake that for the narrator impersonating Muhammad. Hmm. I see. So what did you have in mind? Well, we're thinking perhaps you could try going with a voice that couldn't possibly

be mistaken for somebody impersonating Muhammad. So it makes it very clear the narrator is not mimicking the prophet peace and blessings be upon Okay All right retake number 27 take three and action And Muhammad listen to what they said and he said to them We will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelief for what they have associated with Ella of which she had not sent down authority and their refuge will be fire and RIGIT as the residents of Ronduras This movie's gonna suck

And we're back for more of this shit when we last left our heroes. They got to eat food and most of the Anselaer characters were dead and we're gonna rejoin the action with the evil priest bitch about the Muslim infestation like a white nationalist Facebook And this is my favorite plan of the evil priests because this is where the evil priests hire something far more dangerous than So it's against the Muslims. They hire poets. Oh my God. Yes. This is where red turban gets his poetry book. Yes. Yeah. No. And so their, their new plan is to tell people that Muhammad gave them their boyfriend a hand job after the fucking game last week, even though I'll tell you he didn't, I just that that's the whole fucking thing. Hey, hey,

Muhammad said your dad was gay. Literally. Dude, yeah. He says your gods aren't real and that means he says your dad is stupid and the people are all like, my dad's not stupid. Let's fuck him up Yeah, well my dad works at Nintendo and he lets me play all the games before they come out The new Mario you throw your hat at him and you run their brain. Okay, that's obviously a lie kid Fucking awesome. It's a great little vehicle. So yeah, it just then so the might the

Muslims see that things are going bad, right? Muslim, uh, Muhammad is getting a bad reputation because all the lies, not because anything he did was all lies. And then some who the fuck is this guy character shows up? And now he's also a Muslim and there's a bunch of Muslims in the city of Yathri 3. So Muhammad should go there. Oh, YAH 3. If I had YEP risk, I'm not, I wasn't sure that was. I had to look at it. It's the old name of Medina apparently. Yeah. So we learned something today. That's going to be all the learning. So, so mo, so there's like a, we need to meet with Muhammad. So like, yeah, we'll go ahead and get the POV cam. Hold on. So he comes to meet this guy in the middle of the night. And the

guy says, like, Hey, Mohammed, you should really come to Yacht Reeb. We cannot stop stab in each other for 30 seconds there. We need your help. And I'm like, why would you now go? This motherfucker has no business serving on the tourist board. They're like, dude, why did you send Dave? You know, he's going to tell him the stabby thing. Come to Rome, lots of touching. No, see? You got to stop. Pitching places, man. They're like, Mohammed is the only one who can bring peace. And I'm like, yeah, all that peace he brings. Right? That's why Matt goes doing so fucking well right now. Yeah, exactly.

Even in the context of this story, he's not bringing peace. Yeah, no, not at all. So yeah, so all of the Muslims are going to sneak off to Yathreem and then the very next morning, all the evil priests show up and they're like, this is the morning, we're going to murder all the mus... Oh, fuck, Tule. Oh, sorry. You couldnule. Oh, really? You couldn't do Wednesday, huh?

You just couldn't do Wednesday. Oh, I got a ball. I'm bowling. It's so important that I fall on Wednesday. Fuck. So, yeah, but now the Muslims have largely escaped, but there's a few states that stay behind including Muhammad. So they're like, all right, finally, we got a chance to like do some of them on Muhammad.

And then they're trying to decide what's to do with them, right? They're all of course in the evil priest tent, which is where they spend all their scenes. And they're like, guys, should we cut us dick off? Yeah, feed it to them. Then just a mysterious cloak figure shows up and says, how about killing them? And everything fuck we did not think of why didn't we think of killing him? Okay, and Voldemort just came out of the shadows and was like, wow. And they're like, okay, well, listen to you.

This is supposed to be Satan, right? Yeah, yeah. Cause he bad man really, I did not get that at all. I thought it was just like some character that was being introduced and then I just now realized that we never saw that guy again. Yeah, this is supposed to be Satan, which means at some point Satan watched six plus years of this and was like, oh my god, fuck. Hey guys, how about killing? Great. All right. I'm going back. Jesus. Even though he's a fucking being evil. Right.

So yeah, so but he says, why don't you kill him? And they're like, well, because then like everybody be mad at a guy who killed him. Nobody wants me to get a guy to kill them. And it's like, well, why don't you guys all stab him at once? And they're like, fuck, yeah, that's a great idea. It's like Beatrix Kino can make a whole fucking list. Yeah, that'll be perfect.

And then of course course the mysterious evil guy just batman's is way the fuck out of there. After having brought them the gift of diffusion of responsibility. Exactly. But of course, uh, Muhammad knew all this shit was coming. So he conjured a plan that included, by the way, when he knew that murderers were coming to kill him in his sleep, having his cousin sleep in his bed that night. It's the bet. Look, there's a lot of whitewashing of Muhammad's actions in this movie, but there is no more

desperate one than this thing where it's like Muhammad said, cousin, dress up like me and cover yourselves in fresh tomatoes. But don't worry, I know that you won't die. Yeah. But um, don't worry, I know that you won't die. Hey, yeah, you're good. And the cousins like couldn't we just use like a bag of rice? I feel like a bag of rice because I don't have to move. Maybe they'll spend less time stabbing a bag of rice just getting the bed.

They're gonna see the silly face we draw on it. It's not gonna be real. They're just not gonna buy it. A boxing level pop out and go boo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu,

blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, wait until the morning when he leaves first morning prayers. He's like, okay, can we just go home and go to bed then? Because there's no reason for us to be here then until the morning. They just wait outside and Muhammad prays all night and what can only be described as a miracle occurs. People in the early hours of the morning fall asleep. Oh my god, Muslim God is so fucking weak. Every time he steps in for a miracle. It's like and then there was a cobweb It's so fucking bad. Yeah, no that wouldn't that's coming up soon. Um, so yeah, so Moe prays all the assassins to sleep and then once they fell asleep he left, you know like a badass I guess and he hid in the cave where no doubt he

talked about Moses, all God damn night. So then we get the assassins waking up. Boy, do they have egg on their face? So the leader guys like, ah, fuck, we all fell asleep. I will give a hundred camels to the man who finds Mohammed to which I wrote your races. And I'm thinking to myself like, I don't want that. That's a lot of. That's a shitty price. Oh, I'm sorry.

I killed this guy. I thought it was just a random dude hanging out in a cave. And now I've got a hundred camels. I'm a blacksmith. I don't need. Does anyone want to buy you want to buy your camels back for me? No, I was trying to get rid of these fucking camels. Do you how much they eat? I know how much they eat. That's like owning a horse farm all the sudden, except it's matter. This is the worst. I also love

the assassins looking for momma and ties where they're like checking trash cans and mailboxes and shit. This is the reason they're scub-Doo pops out of one of the doors. Mohammed pops out of the other. They kill Scooby-Doo for looking at the image of Mohammed. It's a whole thing. Exactly. And for being a dog. But yeah, but now the main black guys have hired themselves a real pro tracker that can follow Mohammed right to his cave. But luckily for Mohammed, God had a spider. He has no white powers. I guess. He can call the animals to himself. But only in the most fancy. I like an alligator came up and ate these motherfuckers. I mean,

go. Mo, but no, he gets into a cave and then a spider builds its web in front of it so that when the guys show up, they're like, well, I can't be. And there are there's a web in front of it. How would he get through? He'd have to be tiny. Like, what do they think this is a multi day construction process?

Like a bunch of spiders are just waiting for the licenses from city hall before they fucking start. No, they do this overnight. That's how cobwebs fucking work. Jesus. But yeah, but that's enough for apparently they're like, well, fuck, man. I mean, we'd have to break a whole spider web to get in there. I was waiting for the Charlotte's web style message, like, how am I definitely not in

here? Yeah. Look at it. Yeah. Right. But so yeah, but and so they just turn around and leave. I'm thinking the tracker guy's like, okay, could we just just in case look behind the cobweb though? Yeah. So Muhammad, at least we have to have this whole like boy, is he going to sure miss the

shire moment. And then he has to leave on horseback, which means they have to do POV on horseback after fucking up, after fucking up all of the spiders hard work on the way out. Dick. Yes. Right. Exactly. That fucking spider saved your life.

I hope you at least gave him a fly or something. So he's writing the horse away. And of course it's his POV because we can't actually see Muhammad. And I was in a question for most of my life. So I'm very familiar with what the top of a horse's head and neck looks like when you're on top of them. And that horse looked like it was about to ask for tree Fitty, like it looked like the fucking walk next to him. So so meanwhile in India three everybody's worried that most stood them up. It's been a while. He hasn't showed up but just then he shows up so that we can get a musical number and the cables actually head banging

during this It's so fucking good. Oh Like this is impossibly ridiculous. It's so hard. Like it, taking an isolation, it would be so hard to conclude that they were not making fun of this religion with this scene. So yeah, so everybody's happy for a while. We get this whole thing about all the kids are learning to read and I only bring that up because there's that bit in there where the mom gives the teacher the towel. Well, before this, there's this kid really doesn't want to go to school. Like he wants to help build the mosque.

Yeah. And the note that I have is, but mom, I wanted to cheat hot today. That's right. So like, no, you have to learn to read. And then we see the kids learn it to read. And we're like, yeah, fucking kid really needs to go to school. I wanted him to be like, have I ever told you about mo, mo this? I feel like I read this sentence already.

No, no, same lesson again. Nope, no, different one, believe it or not. Yeah, but then also there's this moment with a mom, like, she turns to the teacher and she says, here, for my son's teacher and she gives her what is very clearly like just a bath towel from comfort in. And this lady is like me at every Christmas with my grandma where she bought me this awful sweater. Oh, it's, it's it's

Beautiful Yeah, the terminology she uses is just that sort of passive aggressive way to complimentary Yeah, you know like they get you this weather like oh my god. I've wanted this way. Oh fucking life yeah So also this is the bit where like we see Moe He's carrying shit to help build the mosque and the guy's like, no, you shouldn't carry that. We'll carry that for you. And then Moe shakes his head, no, and POV. She was doing your delicate profit body.

Yeah, right. And now we get the call to prayer moment, which I don't know why they felt the need to lie about how the call to prayer came to place because the call to prayer sounds super weird, even if you understand the context of it. But in this movie, it's just a guy who gets up on a wall and he's like, gulong, gulong, gulong, gulong, gulong. Oh, yeah, he's telling us all to pray. And it's like, you sure he's not choking on Nickelodeon's gack? What the fuck?

Wait, you're telling me that was the call to prayer because that, that did not sound the same without to ask whole shock jocks laughing over at the whole time. You're lucky they don't listen to this. So, uh, or even their own. And I also love to, to, to suddenly underscore the, um, the everyone or even their own. And I also love to subtly underscore the, the everyone's happy, now narrative. We open the next scene with a little girl going to bed, turning to her mother and saying, mom, are we the happiest people that ever live? Settle, subtle script.

I wrote down no honey. That's the Buddhist and people who don't know about Twitter. People from norm way. Yeah, no, I'm like, you're sleeping on a floor kid. No, clearly not. You're not even, you're not even in the top quintile. So yeah, and this is also where they rename the city Medina. So it'd be easier for me to spell. Appreciate that. Meanwhile, we cut back to the evil priest. Like, man, all the fucking Muslims left, but hey, guess what? They left all their stuff. Let's go sell their stuff. They pile up all of the stuff that Meanwhile, we cut back to the evil priest, like man, all the fucking Muslims left, but hey, guess what?

They left all their stuff. Let's go sell their stuff. They pile up all of the stuff that the Muslims left. It's like, it doesn't tell you how many people it was, but it's hundreds or thousands of people who left. And all the things they left amount to pretty much the contents of a one bedroom apartment. And they're like, yes, we're wrong. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right. They didn't even have to give the, get the big u-haul for this shit. No. Yeah. I have more pug stuff in my one. And they have all the stuff. So yeah. So the Muslims they hear about this, they go to see Muhammad and there's this amazing whitewashing Muhammad scene where they're like, Hey, mo, we all know you are super antivilance and all, but that's a lot of scratch. Yeah, right. Well, that's the thing they've got nothing to really say here, but you know, we could rob the fuck out of these people if we just kill them, huh? And most like, yeah, okay.

And my mom, that is like on one hand on violence on the other hand, all our Tupperware. I'm gonna go with the virus. So all right. So the evil, and of course, the evil priest here is that Muhammad's coming with literal highway robbery plans. So the bad guys scraped together an army. And also, by the way, like again, you, you know, your movie, you're making most of this shit up anyway, but in the movie movie they admit they're like, okay, but then when Muhammad heard that we weren't going to outnumber their enemies 10 to one, he was like, hey guys, you sure you're doing this?

You know, they have this like pushing out moment from a hamad where he's like, okay, now we see a meeting where they're all like, I mean, you told us we need that God said we need to get it, which would mean and he's like, oh, all right, obviously. Yeah. Yeah. No, let's let's still go then, I guess. Sure. Go forth and get that money, bitches. Yeah, exactly. So all right. So now we get the first of three war scenes that are going to happen almost consecutive. Oh, I take it back. This is my favorite scene. Oh, yes. I love the scene so much. We have seen

a lot of animated movies try to cover up their religious violence, but this is the best version of it because this movie just shows to make the violence blurry. And that's partially to cover up the fact that there's so much violence, but also to cover up the fact that the characters in the background are literally just peanut-stancing with swords. Oh, I was great. The frameate took a frickin' drastic dip. And it was like watching one of those old adult swim shows that 13 people made Superimpose these people on a realistic background Like I really round and watch this scene a couple of times like watching specifically in the background And there are a couple people in the background who are literally just flailing their arms like the inflatable arm

Flailing man like sword fighting no one and shit. It's so amazing How did I run out of drawn swords? like man, like sword fighting no one and shit. It's so amazing. I don't know. I'm out of drawn swords. And also like we can't, okay, two and a half minutes does not seem like a long time when I just say two and a half minutes. But when you're watching blurry out of focus, clang, clang, clang sword fights, Two and a half minutes is an eternity. That was a few and a half minutes, are you serious? This went on for two and a half minutes.

And then finally, the bad guys are like, yeah, fuck, we should get out of here. This scene's getting boring. They're like, we have to retreat. Our men are getting far too blurry. So I also want to point out how terrible these people are at war. The fucking cavalry goes in.

They have no archers to support them. The bad guys retreat, the, uh, the good guys don't pursue them. Like you guys suck at this shit. I bet you have to go to another war in the next scene, don't you? One guy literally says Allah as he's killing somebody. And I thought I misheard and I thought he said hi, y'all. So I went back and that's it. Allah.

That is the religion of peace right there. The Kung Fu Muslim. We got a whole new franchise. Yeah, the Muslims wins. Something I did not think I would type. So but meanwhile, red turban is super piss. Apparently red turban had told that army to turn back because they'd already gotten

all of the Muslims shit. And they didn't because they wanted to fight Mohammed anyway. So now he's decided because they wasted so much money on that, that he's going to take every penny he has and use it to overthrow Mohammed. And I love this thing. He's like, he's only a man. And dude turns around and the fucking sickest burn he could think of no, you're only a man. So yeah, I that's what I meant, though, that he's a man and I'm a man.

You're not insulting me here. But that's yeah, that's exactly how well written this fucking movie was. And I think honestly, I don't think it's that the writers couldn't do better. It's like, they couldn't do better without being better than the Quran, right? Like so it's like, you know, the bar is fairly low for them. But so yeah, so they run to Mo and warn him that Mecca has raised an army of 3,000 people to match their poultry forces of 700 and Mo is like, yeah, no, we got that shit. No worries.

They didn't really have that shit. No, we'll see. Yeah, something tells me they weren't outnumbered. Four to one in this coming battle. But now it's time for another battle. Now if you know Muslim history at all, you know that they lose this one. And you even know why, right? Because they talk about it quite a bit in the Quran.

But if you don't know, it's going to clue you in real quick because the opening scene here is one of the generals and he's talking to a bunch of archers saying, okay, guys, look, if you push out here, all of history is going to blame you entirely for this battle being lost. Okay. But whatever you do, don't push out. Got it. And run away. Right.

So they can't allow who act bar is they go into battle. And that's not be me being anti Muslim. That's what they do. This is the religion of peace again. Religion of peace. Yeah. Yeah. So we get more blurry sword fighting for a minute and a half invisible bow guy dies, hun hunts, how Tari Hanzo dies in this part. And of course, as the battles go on, we cut back to those archers that man, they, whatever they do, they better not leave or that'll fuck everything up. And so they leave and Malik, of course, the main character is with me.

He's like, guys, don't go. Remember, we're supposed to protect the rear, but they won't listen to him. And of course, just as they leave, the cavalry shows up at the rear. And it's like 11 dudes on horses. I'm like, I don't think that's going to make a huge difference. And they start circling around the hill that the Muslims are on, like grad students circling around the last mini muffin at the lab meeting. I'm so bad at that because I just eat the last one and I'm just like, oh, did anybody

grow too bad? I eat too late now. Also, there's this moment. Okay. So, okay, we're diversion here. A big football fan. And for a couple of years there, I think it was Fox decided they would be a good idea to put a camera on the visor of the referee's baseball cap, right? Which was stupid because it's bobbling all up and down. You can't look at it for fucking anything. And it was a terrible idea.

But one time there was this kick, it was a terrible field goal attempt that goes straight at this breath and hits him right in the face. And you think, oh my God, I hope that's the guy who was wearing the camera. And it was, and it was this glorious fucking moment. And I got to relive that when we got the part where somebody throws a rock and hits Mohammed in the head. And we see it in POV or baby Momo. He got rocked.

He falls out. Well, they all think he's dead. So the other guy rides over the like evil guy roads over and he's like, okay. So our gods are tied. One to one. Okay. Technically, I know that's supposed to be how it works because we claimed that God did it when we won, but no, no. Who is it? Right. Thousands of pagan gods are one allah boy. Yeah, exactly. And I love it.

At the end of this scene, you get the end of Star Wars episode three, like three times. No. Oh, literally did slow mo and deeper voices for the Muslims turning around. Yeah. Muhammad going, no, you better. The head. So, but, but Muhammad is still alive.

They're like, ah, you're Muhammad is dead and they're like, no, no, he's, he's, he's doing fine. He's like standing up. He's like, I'm feeling much better. You know, and just when he was tragically on the weekend at my homads, they're just like puffeting in my hand. It's just waving hands flop and left them right. And he would never know because we can't fucking see my homad. Yeah, right, right.

Exactly. All the humor is lost on us. It'd be great. Um, so, okay. So all the evil priests are celebrating except the main priest who's still pissed off that Muhammad is still alive. So he has to gather a bunch of brand new characters to also conspire against Muhammad. And at this point, I need somebody to take the poetry book away from red turban.

Like, oh my God, that's pretty neat. That. I was just thinking like, what is this? The 15th scene we've seen of them conspiring? And I'm like, do they have jobs? Do they do other things? Yeah, they're not. They're not.

They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not.

They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. So yeah, so they all the evil characters that we haven't met yet meet together in a secret cave and they make a secret pact. And they all say a different evil bad guy cliche before pounding the table. I was sad they didn't have any chess pieces to move across the board. Right, that's all we were missing there. Yeah. So okay, so but they raised an army of 10,000 people, which apparently sounded like a very big army back

then. And Mohammed finds out about this. So we cut to Mohammed and now skinny Danny McBride is there. I have him down his Doug Henning. He's just he's just porn stash in my notes. This literally a guy with an 80s mullet, a stash, and he's wearing a denim vest with no shirt underneath. Yes. I'm like, did somebody write their gay uncle into this movie with school? He's not alone. How amazing would it be if that was just Matthew McConaughey's voice? He was just like, yeah, the flat circle.

And you're just like, fuck, look how do he did weird work before true detective. We all forget that he was not as pie. He was just doing failure to launch. And then this, okay. It's so. Yeah. Yeah. So it's and it may see it in a dynamic bride. Um, says, Hey, guys, I got a great idea. It's called trenches, a crazy, new thing, and a whole technology. The prophet for advice. Well, right.

I don't fucking know. Did Danny McBride say, oh, I got this one, my trenches. You think the conduit of God would have heard of trenches? See, they invented it before the world war. This Muhammad was ahead of his time. Yeah, right. Yeah, they just didn't put people in him back then. So they did trenches or I'm sorry, they did the snake river fucking

can. I'm the size of Arizona. Yeah, yeah, they drew it all around their fucking city. So then the evil bad guys march on them and they're like, oh my fucking God a trench Dude, this is unprecedentedly brilliant. Why would anybody think of digging a hole where I want to walk? I mean try to jump the trench and So many times there's like eight the ninth guy on the horse who jumps after seeing eight other guys miss That's on him who's just like my horse is gonna make it. Oh fuck. At a certain point it's on the horses, right? The military advisors are like,

this is never gonna work. And he's like, do it anyway. And they're like, but sir, he's like, fire and furious what I said. But also like, they keep jumping horses over here. And I'm thinking to myself, like, what do they think will happen if one of the horses finally makes a, ah, ah, he's Steve the horse over here.

But yes, I'm fucking climb down off the horse into the trench and then climb up the other side. What? I love to, and they show some like, they try to fill in the trenches, but people are shooting arrows at him and everything. I'm like, yeah, you could have a shield. Um, and apparently this keeps going for 30 days. Right. How big is their fucking army?

Yeah, right. And why wouldn't you just climb over the pile of horse carcasses at a certain point? Right. There's a quota. Like, okay, we're only gonna let five guys jump to their death today because we got a concern. We need to make sure we're gonna have enough horses for June. There's not one. Yeah, and so we get to all the bad guys you're concerned. And the one guy's like, dude, I gotta say,

like this whole like, everyday, you ask people to jump their horses into a canyon and they all die It's really fucking with morale. He's like, oh, are they a bunch of pussy's is that what it is? I think it's they don't I love that his inspirational speech is you're a man of words Okay, I got a new plan. We don't do it five at a time. We all jump in Okay, I got a new plan. We don't do it five at a time. We all jump in. Right.

Cause it is brilliant. Plotus is like, all right. Well, you leave me no choice. Let's just attack then. And he's like, you know, the guy's like, fuck, has that been an optional month? Who is not think of just a tag? Anyway, so, yeah.

So inside the city, meanwhile, the Muslims are preparing for battle. We get this old man saying, here you go, hun, if we fuck this inside the city, meanwhile, the Muslims are preparing for battle. We get this old man saying, here you go, honey, if we fuck this up, kill some people, and he's rocks before they rape you. Okay. Um, but she's scared. She's not a good enough Muslim. She doesn't trust in God enough.

And he's like, don't be scared to die because if we die, we'll be together and paradise. And you'll get to watch me with my 72 virgins. And I know how much you let's laugh. So also so before we can get the battle too, I love we have to have like sort of the parallel prayer battle. Yeah. Oh my God. And red turban's fucking montage ever.

I love it because my homies like, I am a humble man and the other guys like it custody of the guys like it God kill my homie. That's great. They guys are in opposition to each other. I just want to let you know like they're they're wishing for different things. Let's really spell it out. I wanted him to like top each other's. Like we see the POV and we see sweat beating down Muhammad's eye holes. Just like, we actually don't get this. I

think this is probably as far as I can remember, it's actually not POV. It's like Muhammad is inside the stash roof cottage. And we see the outside of the cottage and it kind of zooms in as he prays. And I was just imagining that Mohammed was the cottage. And I just wanted to ruffle it with a hair on top of his head and a little window eyes. That explains why they wouldn't let him draw pictures. I'm like, guys, if anybody finds out he's a cottage, they're going to, they're not going to take a serious.

And Trot girl is going to come and burn him down. It's going to be a bad time. And now it is time for the ultimate super duper epic final battle. Yeah, it is gonna be great with lots of fighting and sword play and good animation. This would be like if it the Battle of Helms deep all the orcs got diarrhea and left But what they're actually thwarted by is a fucking singing dust storm Who would expect a dust storm of the desert? It's another one of those miracles like that spider web. The dust storm is chanting a lahu ac bar and it comes and it fucks up the meckens and all their pots and shit. We get like five shots of different pot of water getting

knocked over. Yeah, right. Like the big problem for these people is going to be like, yeah, like right like the big problem for these people is gonna be like yeah, we can win this battle But how the fuck are we gonna boil water afterwards? Jesus so yeah, so the army chickens and I'm thinking to myself, hey man When you're dealing with a trench in the desert, I'm thinking dust storm is your friend Right, oh how amazing would it be if Mohammed is just like thank you God for saving us and then the dust clears And it's just entirely filled in and he's like, fuck. Just bird God giving him the double fingers. In terms of the Jews were right. God damn it. It was the Jews. Fucking bird God.

So we get this next scene now, Mo, is telling us about his dream. Eli has no fucking idea what to do now. I got a, I don't know what he looks like. I guess I just got a nice hard. I'll just hang around preschools in Saudi Arabia and wait for the guy that gets handsy. It was that this that I realized that throughout the entire movie, the role of the Muslims has been to just kind of be the exasperated girlfriend of Muhammad.

Like he's telling his dreams, they're like, okay, Muhammad. And then he's like, okay, let's go to war and they're like, okay, Muhammad, whatever he's saying. And did I ever tell you about Moses? You haven't told me about Moses, my huh? So yeah, so what he's decided is he's like, you know what, fuck the macons. I want to go to Mecca anyway. Let's take it over. And they're like, oh, he's coming on a peaceful pilgrimage. We can't kill him during a peaceful pilgrimage. And I'm like, can't we just, though, right?

Get over it. So they, so they extend a peace treaty. And then they explain what a peace treaty means for like six minutes. It's like, okay. So, um, here's a peace treaty means for like six minutes. It's like, okay, so here's a peace treaty, which F by I means you can't attack us and we won't attack you. Yeah, right. Yeah, and they give that to us in about three different ways so that we really get the deal here. So then we learn that you shouldn't attack people

while they're praying and minding their own business, Muhammad. while they're praying and minding their own business, Muhammad. Someone comes and kills the Muslims while they're praying. Yeah, right. Because we have to be very clear was the other guys who broke the P street. So now, Muhammad can go in and he's perfectly justified in killing his way into controlling mecca. Although this movie would have you believe you didn't kill anyone on the way unless it's not listen to history guys. And the less listen to this cartoon. And the horses in the scene fucking hate fire. Oh, yes. I mean, that's, that's pretty accurate to realize. I'll give them that. But here's the thing right. So they have the horse stomping

out the fire for a while. And that's how it really goes. Like when you're trying to put out of fire, you think it's done. And there's a little fucking number. But we don't the fire for a while. And that's how it really goes. Like when you're trying to put out a fire, you think it's done and there's a little fucking number, but we don't, it's a cartoon. We don't have to watch. I think we can have the horse just stomped four times, but the horse is like, oh, fuck. Somebody gets some water. And did anybody else notice in the scene before this when the, the, the two of like formerly evil guys are witnessing and it cuts to the POV that Muhammad's eyes have optical zoom. Yes. Yeah.

He doesn't have the thermal scanning, but he's got something. He's got at least something like normal. I shit. They go into the window of a preschool. Oh, okay. Next scene. Yes. Yes.

All right. So then we cut to more bad guy priests in opulent rooms hitting Muslims. I can handle six where there's six more minutes in this fucking movie. I can introduce those scenes. So, but the very evil is priest red turban has come to speak with Mohammed because he knows Mohammed's coming to try to take over Mackinac. And someone has taken his poetry book away, which makes me deeply, deeply deeply happy. Yeah, right. And someone has taken his poetry book away, which makes me deeply, he had deeply, deeply happy. Right. Yeah. Right. And he goes, he's like, Hey, my, I'm sorry about killing you. I'm a, I'm a Muslim now. Or at least I'll stop trying to kill you. And there's this

great moment. It goes. And the prophet said, peace and blessing upon him. And I wanted it so badly to be the prophet, peace and blessing upon him said, fuck you. He's going to get killed if he doesn't. And Muhammad is just a great guy because he decides not to kill them. Yeah, right. Like that's that's it. Muhammad's fucking like Jesus moment, right? His peaceful moment is like, I could kill you, but I didn't see how I just stopped

to murder right there. I'm a hero. Yeah. The guy's like, yeah, I'm totally a Muslim. You're totally the prophet is like me as a kid in church. Like, yeah, I believe it. Mm-hmm. Not just here because I have no choice.

All right. So now we have the scene where the evil priest came and said, okay, Mohammed, you can have the city because you know how that happens in war when they're just like, no, you don't have to attack. You can have it. It'll be peaceful. So we have this scene where all of the Muslims are marching in and peacefully taking over the city. And chanting Muslim shit. Don't forget that part. Yeah. I wrote in my notes, Paul Joseph Watson thinks this is a documentary about modern day Sweden. Clearly, clearly, it allegory. I said we should clip this scene and send it to Trump on Twitter, tell him it's hamburger. You think they're

coming. And also, by the way, so what we're keeping in mind that what we're like happily singing along to the little chirping, it's a small world after all birds are chirping along to the fucking ethnic homogenization of this city, right? They like they they're chucking out all of the old God statues from the temple. They're like tearing down all of the pagan shit. They show them blowing up some old Buddha statues. Jesus. They're just building a pipeline over an Indian graveyard. So now we finally we can, you know, that ends

the whole fucking story, whatever. So we can finally flashback to the narrator that was telling the story to begin. It's not a flashback. It's a water ripple effect back. Oh, well, yes. Yes, thank you. It's one step above Spider-Man symbol, just spinning in and then spinning back out. Yeah. So, yeah, but we learned that Saudi Arabia would be peaceful forever after that. And then the dad, like, Malik finishes the story.

He's like, and then the prophet died. And the other guy is like, wellik finishes the story is like, and then the profit died. And the other guy is like, what, you want to tell him about the part where he fucked in nine year old? No, no, no, profit then died. My dog want to tell him about that other battle where they just enslaved my daughter. I'm gonna give you her sheep, take my daughter sheep. Move me over. Anyway, and then we get a little best of montage and then we get the, these names are all bullshit credits. The director's name is Richard Rich. Yeah. That's sure it is. There's also some character named John. I don't know who the fuck that was, but he was played by an actor named Mark Hunt. And I was like, God damn, it, so close. No, that's a euphemism for FGM.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Thank you. Thank you. All right. So the whole peacefully entering mecca thing might have

been a little exaggerated. Got ignores the fact that three columns entered mecca, only two did so without going through armies along the way. I mean, by the time they got there, they didn't kill anyone. Sure. Anyway, also it conveniently amidst the battle of Hunain. I think it is that came afterwards where the Muslim killed untold thousands and took at least 6,000 prisoners kind of fucks up the whole a you know, Muslim religion of peace kind of narrative. So to close things off tonight, I ask you this. What other violent atrocities would you like to see remade into cutesy cartoons? Okay, this is a little, a little weird, a little hard to imagine. So hang with me here. It would be so weird if they did this movie, but they did it for the Native American genocide, but they make it sound like both sides made mistakes and they just

needed to learn to respect one another, but they totally changed the end of the story. So that instead of hundreds of thousands of people being slaughtered and the survivors having their homes and their cultures and their languages and their lives deliberately destroyed by foreign invaders. It ends with a white guy and a native woman symbolizing the union of the two groups by falling in love and getting married and oh. Oh, it's so good. A cartoon version of our appearance at Edinburgh, just like, whoo. Very similar answers. Very similar answers.

There's last two. Actually, all three of them were pretty similar. But they said, love and so should have killed myself if I was brave. Jesus Christ. All right. Well, Cali, Ari can't thank you enough for suffering alongside us tonight. You even knew what you were getting into this time and still did it. So if our listeners want to hear more from you, where should they go? You can hear us on the Gafy's manifestesto. We are wherever podcasts are found. iTunes, Stitcher, all of that fun stuff. The Gathees Manifesto.com at the Gathees on Twitter and all of that fun junk. Just just Google Gathees shit and we'll come up.

That's made you not as fast as you think. Yeah. Definitely Google Gathees shit. Definitely. Don't listen to Eli on that one. All right. Well, what that's going to do for our review of Muhammad the last profit. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to rope you back in for more. So Eli, tell us what's on deck the moment of truth. We're finishing up the trilogy. Oh, I see. So like the little 30 minute movie that we had to do. We're going to save for for when Heath gets back, but the 90 minute cartoon, mon drossity of a piece of shit we inflict on a guest. The speed that Heath works

his way through movies, it will take him the same time. I was the last prophet. You seem awful confident. He doesn't listen to the ones he's not on. You're wrong. So was that to look for? your run. So you know, you can do you can do you can bleed it out of here. Is it? No, I have to bleed it out. Thank you, me like, so with that to look forward to we're gonna bring

episode 126 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to Callie and Ari for hanging out with us tonight again. If you want to hear more from check the show notes for this episode and in every bit of huge thanks to all the Patreon

don't just make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks. You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So I got awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scathing atheist, the skeptic rat, and citation needed,

available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email us at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast provided by the offices of P.A. and the retours. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatt and the Cleveland Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for a heat then right in the Eli Bosnik Omnolusian's promised to work hard during another chunk next week until

that will leave you with a breakfast club close. And Callie was murdered in her sleep. The mountain goat that Muhammad so graciously saved from the thicket, that one time, had its throat brutally slit as it was sacrificed in a Muslim ritual. Aisha's bath time scene is only available if you rent this in Japan. Eli, double checked his address wasn't anywhere public on the internet, just, you know, in case. I

Cancassie was ahead of me at a certain point. I don't know how you get ahead of me on that You go rogue. That's how you do it. Yes. I'm a person. No, I think you know She heard Ari talking all the kind of shit about like break it expectations and yeah, I'm gonna try that shit out I'll see how it works Stripe a role model man and a lot of news Sorry, Morgan. We got a rebel without a cause up in this bitch. Rebel without a pronoun. Hey, hey, Eli, hey, Eli. Fuck you. I have a pronoun, I just thought the one you think it is, okay, let's see the show.

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