God Awful Movies - 128: October Baby

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

This week, guest masochist Meg Anderson joins us for an atheist review of "October Baby", the story of a botched abortion trying to put the pieces back together again. To hear/see more of Meg, you should go here: http://www.megandersoncomedy.com/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And we uh we see we see the diary for a second to it says I feel dead inside. She's writing all the sads like yeah Why don't I feel like God doesn't want me? I feel all abortion me. I wonder what that's about and then the doctor and dad and mom are like funny story Uh, you got like half a boarded in your adoption. Yeah. I've always had a phobia of scallops. I don't know, I can't... Oh, my clothes are in a pile. I can't use the phobia. It's like Jesus Christ, you guys. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know what TV shows coming back? What's that? Murphy Brown. What? Murphy Brown is coming back on. I'm very excited.

Yes. I'm going to say that. All right. All right. Starting off with good news for exchange. I love it. Awesome. Now, unfortunately Eli will be unable to join us today, but we were able to secure a phenomenal guest massacres in his stead. Meg Griffiths Anderson is one of New York's funniest improv comics. And more importantly for our purposes, a glutton for punishment apparently. Meg, welcome back. Thank you guys. You can call me Schmiela. I'm Schmiela. I'm crazy.

Yeah. Awesome. Awesome. All right. So yeah, if I ever feel like you just need to make more pedophile jokes or something like that, I'll cue you with this me a lot. Talk about murdering yourself. Yeah, right.

Right. All of those various things that poor people are horrible. Just get something out of the way now. Yeah. All right. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right. We watched October baby.

It's a pro-life propaganda movie that doesn't realize it's actually about what happens when you defund plan. I knew it. Fuck you. You guys will understand what we mean soon. Oh, yeah. No kidding. And Meg, how bad was this movie?

Okay. If you guys like Judy Blooms. Hey, God, are you there? It's me, Margaret, but wish we're filmed in the style of single white female. This is a horror movie, but it's a horror movie that will convert everyone into fierce pro choice adjus. Yeah, no shit. Okay, schmielize she is. All right. So now where would you rank this in terms of like the other terrible shit that we've asked you to watch before?

The, oh God, what the hell was the other one that asked me to watch? See, this one was very sneaky. There were both. I don't even, I have blocked out and disassociated you guys from my memory, so I don't remember what it was. But I know there's a weird gladiator opening shot of this, and I feel like it wasn't the other one. I'm like, what's she's going to do? We'll get to that. This one feels suddenly worse because of the very specific agenda that they have. And there is one scene, the amazing scene where the nurse is describing what had happened. And that, oh, I had to put my phone down. I was like, that's worse. I don't know. How do you rank that? It's a good

level of Dante's inferno, I guess. I don't know. How do you rank that? It's a little don't take it for now. I guess I don't know. That was one of the worst scenes we've ever seen. I think that was pretty rough. We'll get to that one right before the B segment. Also might be my favorite scene, just saying. Well, yeah, it's mine too for a lot of reasons. Yeah. All right. So now we usually start off here with the, with the best worst with Eli Gohan. I'm going to start us off this week. I'm going to say the, with the best worst with Eli Gohan. I'm going to start us off this week. I'm going to say this movie had the best worst sexual tension of any movie we've ever watched.

Now, there's a lot of times like we watch a movie where the sexual tension is like between the two space angels or something like that, where it's probably a little worse at least for the Christian perspective. But in terms of intentional sexual tension, this movie is ridiculous, right? We're like, the whole thing is supposed to be about this girl and this boy and they're in love and they don't want to admit it because something stands in their way.

We have no idea what the hell it is ever but then they just keep putting them in increasingly. Hey, we should fuck situations. It's the Lord standing in there. Oh, that must be it. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Why is something by that as you mean best, worst sexual ascension amongst the daughter and her father. Oh my God. It was insane. It was like, if you watch this on mute, this is an ancestral

propaganda. And even if you have the sound on it's not exactly not that right. All there. By the end she stops. Literally the daughter stops looking and communicating with the mother, even though it's a two shot with a mom in the dad. Only communicating with the father is creepy. Yeah, the hollowed out mom is a is a theme that I I'm gonna probably return to in this film. I'm not making did you have any best worst? Yes, I would say this is the film that has the best worst of medical care. She has at some point an epileptic seizure that's cured with an asthma inhaler.

Yes. What? Yeah, which is amazing. I actually have epilepsy and asthma and I was like oh my god And I was I have bought abortion like Be that that's actually what my A medical doctor he's wearing you know, he's got little glasses and he's got a white coat So we're assuming he's a doctor and he reads your journal

and that becomes for diagnosis. Yes. This is religious medicine. Yeah. I think the authors have never been to the doctor. I think they're like, this is what a doctor looks like. So. Yeah, they seem to think that that inhaler was just a magic fucking wand or something,

something like a tricorder and star trek or something like that. Yeah. Heath, any best worst? Yeah, I'm going to say best worst, making a movie about abortion that fails the back deltas. It's fucking amazing. There's two scenes with females talking to each other. One scene is about literally the guy they're fighting over and that's it. And the other, it's like five seconds long with a mom and a daughter, but they're talking about how men are

affected by abortion. That's the conversation. It's amazing. Yeah. Well, there is the same between Hannah and her birth mom. All right, right? Oh, yeah. Man, she shows up there, but it's interrupted by the birth mom husband, right? And he is very affected by it. Yes, which is important. And he takes this away. Well, he almost, he might as well just run in the room going fuck we're about to pass the backtell test guys we're going to pass it if we don't have it and we're not careful here. Yes.

Also, I have to say I guess I had to Google backtell test. No worries, I'm sure I had to Google it the first time I brought it up too. But I said Google to talk to me, it's like it's like Siri and in series now in the voice of a man. So it man's playing to me. What? Oh, perfect. For defining the back to the. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. All right, well as much as I'd love to abort this episode now, it probably just show up in 19 years to forgive me. So we're just going to take a quick break. And when we come back, we'll break down all the action that is October, baby. Hey guys, now I know we usually do skits with wacky characters for our ads, but I just wanted to pop in because a bunch of you have asked online how I'm doing with beach body on demand. And while it's 100% not funny, I am down more than 10 pounds. And more importantly, I feel great. Last time we not funny, I am down more than 10 pounds.

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we don't need funny voices to sell it. Hey, Mike, have a seat. We need to talk. Yeah boss, what's up? All right, well, it's about the script. Uh, what about it? Okay, I'll tell you, I'm just going to open at random. He wakes up suddenly sitting straight up from a nightmare. He passes a stack of unopened bills, then goes to the fridge to get his leftover Chinese food. Classic. Yeah, because he's single. Right. Okay. Here's another one. Um, he's in the bathroom looking in the mirror. But when he closes it all the way, the killer

is standing right behind him. He runs out of the car, but it won't start. He tries two more times, but it won't start until the killer's almost reached the car. He drives off just in time, but there's traffic on the street. So he has to drive down the sidewalk suddenly a fruit stand is in front of him. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It seems going to be awesome.

This is literally just a list of cliches. Yep. I mean, I know good ones. Wait, you know, that's what it is. Yeah. yes. I just browsed online lists of tropes we're sick of and just kind of, you know, strong them together, but like, okay, you realize that's an impossibly lazy and shitty way to make a movie, right?

I do realize that, yes. Okay, well, how the hell are are we gonna get it finance then? Oh, it's an anti-abortion movie Okay, what if the protagonist has a sassy housekeeper nice nice and a poor person can open their door But leave the chain yes, let's just crack yeah good one right awesome Make a lot of money stupid fucking boogie. And we're back and we're going to start this thing off with B-roll from a commercial

about old people cookies. Yeah, butterfly literally flapping its wings in slow. Like it might as well be like, this is John every butterfly. Ready? Webster's dictionary defines a slow-mo butterfly as hardly-trike movie opening and go. So bad. That's just the first of every single cheesy trope

as they have in here. Think of a trope that's not in here I can't, you know? Also, this is the opening to the medical drug that is gonna fix you. And this is the horror to the medical drug that is going to fix you. And it's the horror movie opening. Yeah. Right. This is the most generic possible movie opening.

Okay. So we get a little girl running through a wheat field. Literally my leader opening. Yeah. Pulling her hands through the wheat. She's about to see the burn village. She's going to her journey. My music note here is I'm literally running through fields of wheat. The music. Number. Oh, the soundtrack was so bad. They were trying to sell us, you know, guitar guy at the party about Jesus, the entire fucking movie. So little girl running through

the field, little boys chasing I was expecting Larry Nasser, but what the hell? It's not all that top. Oh, no too soon. 175 years. He's perfect in age. It's the perfect age. This is his porn, you know. She's a little old if anything. Yeah, right. Right. So and then hand in hand. This is what I wrote in my nose. Hand in hand water looking up at a little girl shot. That's like, it was a predator shot. Yes.

Yeah, there was. It was so weird because there were so many elements of this movie that almost seemed like a real movie, but then there were these other elements where you realized that the cinematographer just has no fucking clue. The writer has no fucking clue. They just because I guess it's an anti abortion movie, they were able to scrape together a lot of money for it. But yeah, he has no idea if that's a horror movie shot. That's the thing that's so confusing is I actually thought it was really well shot.

Like the quality is pretty good, you know, like they have some expensive camera. They have some kind of, you know, deep pockets being funded by the far right that's giving them money. But the script is useless. It's like they read it out of a pamphlet than when they were sitting in the abortion clinic. Yes. This is what it was.

It's a lot like the Republican platform. Yeah. Well-funded terrible script. Yeah. And written in an anti-abortion clinic. So yeah, okay. So now we cut to these two kids, but they're all grown up now. She's getting ready for her big play and he comes along to be flirty and cool.

Now he is not her boyfriend. He is her friend from ever since she was a kid that's going out with another girl that will serve only as the apex to the love triangle. Exactly. I don't understand why he's with this woman. His girlfriend's name is Alana. Of course, she's blonde. She's no character development except it seems like we don't know why she doesn't like the main character except blondes or cunts. That's the only reason I figured out. Right, right. Like, she's, she's there is, it's as though the actress that plays Hannah

the main character just kept glaring angrily and they're like, we're going to need to cast someone for her to be glaring at her. That's just going to be weird. So, okay. And this is also the scene where we meet mom and dad. They're running late for the play. Right. Oh, God. Well, we see the Esmeralda Halo, right? It's like the magic got the magic wand, yeah, you know, like Frodo's ring. He's got it. It's my, it's my husband. And then that's one, that's one, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's

my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that's my, that also didn't hurt. Well, that's the thing is, I think that they do comedy. I can't even call it comedy, but it's not even like heartedness. It's like they don't have any sense of humor, but they're like, oh, we should definitely add in. This is where humor is supposed to go.

Right, right. Yeah. They don't deliver it. And so the characters who are trying to be funny literally end up seeing like their psychotic serial killers. Yes. Yeah. No, you could tell like from time to time, like, no, I get why you would think comedy right now. Right. But yeah. So we meet Truman who is like, I can't even explain this character, but he's a character. And then we we cut inside. And by the way, this play for what is this a college player, whatever, the house is fucking packed.

Yeah. Like we have not, I'd like, if we did this at a show, I'd retire the next goddamn day. If we could bring in as many people as Annabella at this community college. Yeah, this is probably like a two thousand seat house. Yeah. Yeah. This is probably like a two thousand seat house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And and and standing room only.

So okay. And the playwright comes out because you know how at the beginning of a play, the playwright will come out and he'll be like, I wrote this playlist here for me. Me. Yeah. Okay. Keep it going. Keep it going. So he does that. And then the play begins.

And if you thought the writing in the movie was bad, the writing in the play without within the movie, oh my god. She literally says because it's supposed to be anti-bellum or whatever. At one point, her line is literally, and what of your standards in which I do not meet. What? horrifying. Well, and also like she is, I'm watching this and it feels I'm like, who is the audience for this? And the only thing I can come up with was the audience for this, this is a cautionary tale for girls who are like nine or ten years old. You know what I mean? Like they've

never been out in the world. They've never clearly never been to the doctor yet. You know what's coming? They've never been to a play. So it's like this is like for someone who like doesn't go to the theater. I started doing self-self-in-the-snires. So this is for people who don't go to the theater who are like, oh, wow, yes, it's like this, it's like, quote, this stands in for a play. This stands in. It's like all these little things that's like standing in, but you're watching as a viewer and you're like, this is utter complete garbage. The reality of this world doesn't make sense.

It doesn't matter. And clearly that makes sense because then the playwright is standing in the wings feeding her line. Yes, but what? But so she's given her lines, but she starts having the devil sickness mid-scene. And again, this is a horror movie scene, right? Horror movie. Yeah, she's like having a seizure or a stroke or something. And her co-stars like, dude, stop having a stroke.

having a seizure or a stroke or something. And her co-stars like, dude, stop having a stroke. I'm like, I'm telling the truth. These are the point. Look, I wasn't cast as the main role as your boyfriend. So I get this shitty secondary role, you know, and it's going on my IMDb credit, but like, I'm gonna tell you.

So, yeah, but she's, she's losing it. And then suddenly she, she passes out. She apparently has a rapidly rising string section disease. Dad rushes to the front. And again, you know, Meg has already hinted at this, of course, but she's just very clearly had some sort of seizure. And the dad yells yells get her inhaler now. So I can conquer in the head with her and knock her out of this weird shit. What? I just have to say, as someone who has asthma,

her asthma is so poorly managed. She's clearly using a rescue inhaler to manage it. It's like, where's her pulmonologist? Like she's not pulling the doctor. I just, this is a bad message for people with asthma. I mean, but when the doctor has to give her an exam later, he basically asks her to like count backwards from 10 and walk across the straight line.

So I don't feel like that's the most egregious mistake they made in medicine, but yeah. Yeah. No, no, no, no. He might as well like take out a stethoscope and start doing like head compressions on it. I'm like, he doesn't know I do might as well like take out a stethoscope and start doing like head compressions on a whole. He's like, he has no idea what's happening.

Exactly, he's not even fall on seizure. And then he yells to the, he yells to the actor. He's like, get over in haylor and he's like, what, what, what do you, like, what do you, like, what do you, like, what I know where that was? He's like, you know, I'm just talking seizure, you asshole.

Give me a scalpel, no, I'm not, nope, I know your doctor, I'm not getting you scalpel. Absolutely not. Let me give her mouth to mouth for sesetine. Doctor, that's a lot of fun. Can you? Oh, I don't know. Good.

So much fun. So much handheld camera work. Oh, Jesus. All right. So we cut to the hospital. Apparently, she's okay, but they haven't figured out what's happened to her yet. We have to establish here the dad is a doctor. And that's the only purpose of this scene. We can't have her like coming home later with a fucking thing on our arm or whatever. This God damn movie,

the writer of this movie never wrote a word that they did not fucking love. So this scene exists. Yep. Well, and also, we also see her starting to write in for journal. Oh, yes, that's very important. So the journal becomes, and it half, it's like the journal becomes the crutch with which the writers like, oh man, I don't know how to actually write character development. So I'll write it down as actual words. It is a journal. So then the audience will get it. I'm going to write some bullet points about my character bio here.

Yes. Yeah. So we go back to the play thing. She sees that they're auditioning new people for her role. How dare she have an epileptic asthma attack in the middle of opening night. And then we cut to her at the back of the doctors with mom and dad, they're waiting on test results or whatever. Yeah.

And we find out that she's got a lot of stuff going on. She's epileptic. She has asthma. She's had multiple hip surgeries, not tracts related. And she also has borderline personality disorder, which is pretty serious. She's like Eli was an organ trail character. She's got everything.

She's got rickets and cholera, and she's like fucking up the vent. It's no good. She's shitting everywhere. She's one step from a rattlesnake fight. Exactly. And she's going, well, I don't understand why I'd be so messed up, Doc. I don't do drugs or smoke or drink. And the doctors says, all right, well, we've got some bad news for you. And I'm like, okay, well, when your doctor says that,

that's fatal. No, it's her origin story. Yeah. The bad news is the fucking origin story. They're, they're, they're acting dramatic as fuck, but this might as well be a trip to the pitiatorist at this point. Like, yeah, we're gonna have to freeze that off.

Duh. Jesus. So what we learn here is that mom has found her diary given it to dad who then emailed it to the doctor who then used it to diagnose her psychiatric condition. He's not a psychiatrist. No way. We learn that. He wants to send her to one separately.

Yeah. So what? But this is also when they do the reveal that seems, I guess they were trying to pretend this was necessary, but it really isn't, but okay. She was adopted. Hannah's not even really their kid, but what's worse, she was the byproduct of a botched abortion.

Oh, it's the money shot. It's so good. Oh, and we, we see, we see the diary for a second, too. It says, I feel dead inside. She's writing all the sads. Like, yeah, why do I feel like God doesn't want me? I feel all abortiony. I wonder what that's about.

And then the doctor and dad and mom are like funny story. You got like half a boarded in your adoption. Yeah. I've always had a phobia of scallops. I don't know. Oh my clothes are in a pile. I can't use a cloth. It's like Jesus Christ you guys. Well, the other thing is that we've got it's religious science. That's what we're dealing with Why, you guys. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha will have to see if she floats. Yes, why? This document, I mean, it turns out it's her journal, but I was like, it's the ultimate like violation, but then not knowing what to do with it. And the doctor's like, this is basically the doctor from the Simpsons. He's like, It's very similar.

It's very similar. We have to burn her and bleed her. Oh, by the way, let's see medicine. Well, that's the whole fucked up thing. Is she had an epileptic seizure. She has epilepsy, right? So it's not like we're looking for a new diagnosis. We're looking for a new treatment.

The doctor's answer to, well, you know, how we're gonna treat my epilepsy differently is, well, you were a botched abortion. You should seek some psychological counseling. Yeah. Fuckin' what? Which is weird because it's kind of actually some good medical advice from a Christian movie for seconds.

You should take medicine and see a psychiatrist. It's the opposite of what they say in every movie we've done so far. But I love dad's reaction to this. They like reveal the abortion adoption thing and then dad's like, oh man, it's not how I wanted to tell you. Like, did he want better phrasing? Like a video reveal like here's a, here's a taken out of a dumpster behind plan. Apparently, you saved you.

It was funny and Bob Sagitt narrating that comes to the crotch like what the fuck was he talking about? I never finished your quilt and the quilt was supposed to be every image of your life from birth to blood sack to dumpster. It's like a dog. Uh, uh, fucking up the reveal. Uh, so it's, so okay. So now she's going to go brewed on a dock. I will I have to point

out that an enormous amount of this movie is going to be her being depressed near a body of water. Yes. That will be at least one third of this film. So she, she's stormed off. She's all upset. She calls Jason, the not boyfriend boyfriend. And he doesn't have time for her. He's an allowed party. He's no use. It's a weird moment. She's like, yeah, so I survived an abortion. He's like, what? She's like, I survived an abortion. You say the apportion? I'm gonna ban over to like a family on the next dock like It's not I'm not I'm not the mom. I was the fetus, but I learned A family across the lake that's trying to have like a really nice day

Why don't you say was I an abortion? Yeah. What is the watch of boys? What did she say? Was I an abortion? Unfortunately, honey, no. So yeah, so okay. But then mom and dad, of course, are back home fighting about whether or not dad should have emailed her private diary to her doctor who would then make psychiatric diagnoses based upon it. Yeah.

Uh, moms in the anti category go mom, uh, and Hannah comes in mid fight. She wants to meet her birth mother, dammit. And they're like, why is she's like this kind of the plot? I don't have time to get into it. I'm stormy right now. So I don't make me explain it. Give me my birth certificate. And they're like, yeah, are you gonna try to murder your real parents?

She's like, no. So they get for the birth certificate. Mom's like, I also, and let's just say the mom's like, she's like, what is the birth certificate? She's like, hold on. She walks into the kitchen. I'm assuming goes to the recipe drawer because she comes back. What the fuck is that?

One second later. This will be something. I'm thinking it's like, something. I thought that was a recipe for chocolate chip cookies. That was me the whole time. It will be on the end of a fishing pole on the wall. There's quite a bit of that in this movie where everything just happens to be the top thing on the stack right next to them. Oh, it's this. But that's the thing. It's like this thing. It's like, yeah, you know what I mean? Like we don't have time for the reality of her to go look for it or her to be like, oh, it's just like she basically should everything's pulled out of the pocket. Yeah.

Check your wallet. You're supposed to get and seven of space. Holy shit. See, thriller. And the thing is, it's like, we're just one step away. I think, I think to now, it's like, this is thing is like, I could never tell. It was like, who is the bad guy in this? Like, who am I following? Like, the girl is just like, I guess we like her,

but we're following her because you said this kind of like, this fucked up reveal. And the parents are like lying manipulative, the dad is really controlling, but they're still kind of like likable. And I was like, do we like them? Do we hate them? But like the Christian moral of this.

I do not like any, I think she's the bad guy. I think she's the worst. She'll get worse in this movie. She's supposed to be the protagonist. I hate her. Well, you know, the funny thing is the only person I like is the one that you're supposed to hate, which is the abortion mom lawyer that we made at the end, you know. Yes.

I liked her. I, I rooted for her. So we go back to where she already fucking was. God, damn it, that was clumsy. So Jason shows up, right? She called Jason while he was at the loud party and he couldn't talk to her. So he decides to drive out to this doc where he knew is, if this is her brooding doc and they sit there and they have this just impossibly banal conversation. And I feel sorry for the actors because neither of these two are terrible actors. Like the kid is actually the boy is actually fairly good. The girl is not, I mean, I could never really tell because her lines are so goddamn bad. I could never, I don't think she was good, but she wasn't awful. Like, you know, she wasn't our podcast level, so awful. But they're stuck with these just ridiculous

fucking lines. They have to go back and forth with so what does it matter if you're a good actor? You know what it's like, it's like when you don't have cable and you have to watch like sit coms that are on like just the broadcast networks and it but it was like back in the 90s and you don't want to get off the couch and change it. It's like generic nonsense. Yeah. Someone took Donald's Cree and made it like bug juice version. And I think this is supposed to be romantic, but I'm a 10 year old girl and like a Baptist controlling household.

So this is what romance must be. Yeah, no, I'm just thinking about this as the shelter, the movie for the shelter, 10 year old girl in Alabama. It makes a ton of fucking sense, actually. Okay, but but for the record Dawson's Creek is awesome. That was what that was the point of that, right? That we like, that's awesome. And like, this was like a bad version of that is what you meant. Yes. That's locked.

We all agree. It was. It was just going to be you and me for the rest of this episode, man. I almost tore my headphones out of the jack just now. So, okay. No, totally. That's the best job in the world. This should be Dawson's abortion. Yes. All right. So she needs to go to mobile Alabama to find the answers, because that's where birth mothers from. I'm like, no one has ever found an answer in mobile Alabama that

was correct. That's a goddamn guarantee. And so and and and Jason's response to all this heat she explains, I was a boss to portion. My parents adopted me. Well, and I'm sure that actually isn't extraordinary traumatic thing for a human being to learn, right? And Jason's actual response, this was written into the script y'all was, wow, sorry, things will get better though. He's not good at consoling. So what are you going to do? Abort them back, abort them back. Yes. Exactly. Get a time machine and abort them. Okay, well, maybe, maybe think to saddle a little bit more, but I'll go with you or whatever. Right, but then a lot of calls, he's got to run off and love her more. I mean, but look, for me, this guy Jason just seems like he's motivated and it goes unspoken

and it goes unseen. But the only thing I can assume is he's a lot of the only one that's given him like an HJ. Yeah, I think that's what we're going for here. think that I think that's what we're going for here. Yeah, I'm gonna give that guy a blowjob. It's like a lot is gonna do it though. Well, yeah, the 19 year old Christian girl whose dad can decide whether she's allowed to date someone or not, probably not so much.

Yeah, and by HJ, you mean hold hands while you jump off a dot. That is the Christian hege that's a that's what I meant that's like third base. Oh God. After writing these after going through this scene where they're supposed to be all emotional. I put it in my nose like, oh my God, the guy who wrote this movie should not be allowed to make right turns after this fucking scene. And it really does just get worse from there. So okay, it turns out, holy moly, what are the odds that that Jason and his buddies were about to do a road trip that was going to take him right by mobile Alabama. Who to thunk it? So now we have

to introduce the Volkswagen bus that they'll be doing part of that road trip that doesn't really affect the rest of the movie in Yeah, so we need this scene and also the person who owns the van is That fucking awful serial killer Truman. Oh, yeah, well, it's his Truman's cousin, but yeah And he came back in and I was like, oh my God, that was the introduction. He's back. No, I hate this guy. He's gross. Absolutely.

He's the worst. He's the guy that when he sits next to, that's why he's not sitting next to anyone because he's the one that when the girl falls asleep, he fingers her. I see my experience with this guy is he's the guy who follows you around saying, no, you didn't mean poison to snake. That would be a snake that if you ate it, it was poisonous. You meant venomous. It was a venomous snake.

That's my impression with him. I didn't realize he was fingering you on when you fell asleep though. So that's way worse. I'll bring that up first in the future. So all right. So they've decided they're going to go on a road trip. They're going to go on a road trip to Marty Craw for spring break. Yeah, that's nope. Nope. No, yeah, the calendar, I'm sure, will scoot over for them.

They have spring break for this college is the middle of February. They don't know about anything with doctors or colleges. No, none of the educated things are not our points of knowledge for this movie. No, but what we do know is that when Hannah writes in her journal, the truth will set me free question mark. She's about to find out. It was so bad. Yeah, no, they were absolutely hit over the head with the, with the journal shit.

So yeah, all right. So now we cut to Hannah in the library. Truman is there to comic relief her into coming with them. And immediately I hate him so much. He shows up. He puts his face right behind her book that she's reading and then like, she's right fucking there in front of her when she pulls the book down. I want to hurt a mason right in the eyes.

So bad. And his whole thing, he's so annoying. He's like, I don't know what his role is in this movie. It keeps shifting around. He's like utility infielder for a movie in terms of, it doesn't work. Like it works in baseball. It's stupid. It's just bad.

Well, I think that's the thing is I think that he started as the comic relief. So he's supposed to be like the funny clown, like the Shakespearean funny clown, but then they didn't know how to write it. And he is clearly, unfortunately, not able to carry his own comedically. So when he leans in, he goes, do you have a while side? He turned into like the BTK killer. He's the worst. Yeah. He lacks subject permanence. You know how like there's object? He has no subject permanence. Is that a thing? He doesn't have he's the worst. No continuity his character. Oh, yeah. He was, yeah, he is definitely the desperately trying to be funny because he

showed up and they said, you're funny, right? And he said, um, yeah, whoever told him he was funny yesterday or whatever needs to issue a retraction immediately. Officially right. Yeah, through official channels. Hell yeah. So okay. Now Jason and dad finds out that Jason's trying to get her to come on spring break.

Dad is pissed. She is 19 years old. I feel like we have to emphasize that going into this scene. The girl in this movie is 19 years old. And this is also where we're going to meet the, I guess, backup comic relief in case Truman doesn't work out. This is B-Mac. That's stupid. Yeah, they is B Mac. So stupid.

Yeah, they got a funny fat guy now. It's fucking genius. They're really, really original. Yeah. Well, a fat guy. They have a fat guy. But the dialogue, so when the dad goes to see B Mac and threaten the guys and say, no, my daughter can't come because even though at 18, 18 years old, she's legally into all right, he goes

the first line that we introduced his characters, hey, who's the old dude? Yeah. I was like, no, that's not how people talk. And it's like, it seems for I was watching this and I was like, oh, that's like their way of writing the like liberal hippie douche bag. their way of writing the like liberal hippie douchebag. I was like, oh, yeah. Yeah. So and that would be, that would be of course, be Mac. He's the liberal hippie douchebag. And he's like the pot head looking fat guy who owns this Volkswagen bus and keeps trying

to say funny things, but you only can tell contextually. Like, if I showed you these lines on a piece of paper, you wouldn't know they were supposed to be comedy, but you can tell from where they happen in the scene It's like the whole movie took a comedy writing class and they quit the day before punchline They went to like a day or two of it. We got this we got this The movie is all premise. It's no punchlines all friends. Just like obnoxious red headed a library crack it to doom library crack it. You don't. Or maybe like aliens are actually like super conservative Republicans who are pro life.

Haven't any human experience that have only watched really shitty movies. They got on like far out satellite road and movie and then this is what it is. Right. Right. And they just saw all that stuff happen at the end of the movie. They never realized it was supposed to be comedy. Okay. That would make sense. Right. We've come up with an origin video. The funny thing is that makes more sense than whatever actually happened to bring

about this movie. All right. So now we've got a incredibly unnecessary scene. Mom wakes up, dad's getting ready for work. She's like, well, his hand I go into this thing. He's like, I'm pretty sure I talked her out of it, but he didn't. He was wrong. She left a note. She's leaving. Yeah.

Like, are we gonna be confused without this scene? Just show us the fucking trip next. She writes a note that says, I went on the trip. It's just like, dear dad, don't be alarmed. I'm gonna be in the next scene. Love Hannah. Yeah, exactly. be alarmed. I'm gonna be in the next scene. Love Hannah. Yeah, exactly. Go next scene.

All right, so now we get our road trip montage. And this is, okay, so this is an effort from a writer that can't pull off two liners to write one liners, right? Because we're just get these snippets of conversation that are supposed to be like funny out of context or meaningful or whatever. And they're just like the one guy go and like, I feel like this was a medium fries that I did I In order that one. That's the that's like that's the montage we're getting. Yeah, and speaking of fractional Speaking we get token black character who has like three fifths of a line here. Oh, hello.

Didn't see you there just talking to our black character friend that we have. What do you think black friend that we have? Well, actually, I think kind of like. Yeah, great. Well, they have, right, and they have token Latin model tattooed who literally doesn't interact with anyone. No, who has his headphones in. It makes no sense.

It was like, what are you doing here? Why does this look like it's shot as like a Valtrex commercial? Yeah, and like honestly, it seemed like he was just like, some dude they met that needed a ride, like not in the movie, even. You know, just like the people making the movie met and they're like, no, you're a

pretty cool guy. You can just tag along. Just don't mind the cameras. Um, so, okay. So then we cut to them. They've, they've roadtripped a little while. Now they're at a beach. We learn that B Mac actually is guitar guy at the party.

Yeah. Which is exactly what both Heath and I wrote in our notes. Amazing. He's actually the actor was in American Idol. He was like a finalist in like, I don't know, like, years ago. Yeah. And they are the heights. Oh, no, seriously. Yeah. This be Mac, the not funny back guy. He was actually, yeah, he was a finalist for American Idol. No, shit. Yeah. Wait, because he's a terrible. Exactly. Exactly. It's, it's, it's uncanny. Yeah. It's amazing. Maybe it was shitty and it up on purpose there. So, okay. So they're at the beach. The cops show up and I wrote

hide the black girl. You're near Alabama. So, you see the Latin guy sitting there. He like runs out. He runs into the water. And this, I think this starts, well, will the truth set me free? Question mark. And then we see this. And it's like the white privilege will set her free. Yes. The song for the rest of her journey is a made up crazy land in Alabama of what you can

get away with when you're white. Yes. Absolutely. Yes. Being white is awesome. As written in my notes so much're white. Yes, absolutely. Yes, being white is awesome as written in my notes so much. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And by the way, this is possibly the most Christian movie moment that we've had in any of our movies.

The cop shows up at a beach party full of kids and they all run over towards the cop. Yes. Find out what's wrong. They're like, Oh, sir, what's up? I'm so, so what's happening. We would like to abandon law, please. So funny. So stupid.

And so apparently the cop explains that they've like, they're on a beach, you're not allowed to be on this beach because there's turtle eggs or something like that. And danger turtle eggs. So yeah, apparently they just murdered a bunch of viable turtle eggs. Oh shit. And they get like fire bombed by Christian turtles and some kind of, that of viable turtle eggs. Oh shit. They get like firebombed by Christian turtles.

It's on here. That would have been nice. But no, thousands of abortions right there. Yeah, but instead Hannah uses her white privilege to talk them out of this fake crime. This might be the dumbest the movie ever gets, right? Because the cops like, you know, hey, look, there's a sign here that clearly says $2,000 fine for being on the beach. You drove a fucking boss onto it. We're going to have to tow this out blah, Hey, look, there's a sign here that clearly says $2,000 fine for being on the beach. You drove a fucking boss onto it.

We're going to have to tow this out, blah, blah, blah. And then she's, she comes up to the cop and she's like, but officer, I was a botched abortion. And this is my only chance ever to find my birth mother. And the cop isn't just like, no, you can after you guys pay the fine, you could do that. Or even before really at some point she digs into her pocket to pull out. She says, I have $90. And I said, if you see anyone who has any shade darker skin than her, go into their

pool. And pull something out. They are murdered on the spot. Yeah. Also, I love to that. Yeah, because she's like, she tries to hand them all these wads of money. Like, please, let us go. And then he's like, yeah, no, I'll let you go. But you can keep

him. Yeah, they're super forgiving about bribe attempts. Most cops, my parents tried to murder me when I was negative two thirds. There's something we can do about this. Yes, there is. I'm a sincerely held revenge. Please, please. We are not. I was in Boston, I know what it's like. it is. Please. We had I was a bunch of blushing. I know what exactly. Guy, we practically get that a few

scenes from now. All right. So they, they, we have a little tiny montage where B Mac and Han are chatting as they drive a little further. But then they pull into this shithole motel or at least what Eli would describe as a chef is fine. This place I would stay there.

But Eli wouldn't. It was a shit hole. And this is where we learn that, okay, this is how Christian this movie is and how geared towards 10 year olds. The college kids have split the rooms up so that all the boys are sleeping together and all the girls are sleeping together. Right. Like college kids do when you're on a road trip with your girlfriend in college. So that means that Hannah and Alana, the two girls that both love Jason have to share a room together.

There's some comedy. Now, I will say the waking up snuggling thing isn't going to play the same as it did in planes trains and automobiles between these two. But yeah, okay. I expected to cut to a colored piece of tape across the motel room. You stay, I you have the refrigerator though. It's just like there's it's so unnecessary and this scene is so frustrating to me because it's an opportunity for anyone to tell the truth. because it's an opportunity for anyone to tell the truth. The whole movie, nobody's being direct and it's like being slined and direct is like, that's what's going to push the plot. It's like it throws mean. She's jealous. She's covetous. It's like, oh, she's the seven deadly

sins. That's interesting. Yeah. Okay. It's so fucking blatant, right? Like they make no effort whatsoever to get in the lawn as head here. They cut to the two of them going to bed that night. Separate beds, it's not a lesbian porn. And Alana is basically telling Hannah that she thinks that she only has epilepsy on purpose so that people will be nice to her.

It's so weird, dude. She's just like out of nowhere, like, fuck you in your pills. Whatever. It escalates so quickly from nothing. Yes. Hi, I'm Hannah. We've never interacted. Fuck you, preemie.

You're such, I hate you. What? I'm so Hannah, get a pill case. Like, why are you carrying all your crazy bottles of pills? Yeah, right. Jesus. Um, so yeah, and this is also where a lot of tells you that Jason didn't really even wander on this to come on this trip.

So she, she grabs all her pills, loudsly packs them away and then goes to walk home in the middle of the night from the place that they just took a day to drive to. Yeah, but not before she has a loud dramatic speech in the middle of the night in front of this hotel. Oh, what a bitch. I wanted like me to step out and start throwing ice at her. Tomatoes, whatever.

Yeah. Yeah, right. So that's what if the family from across the lake? Let's just get a motel sweet heart. But it's like Jason comes out and he's this. Jason's a straight-up pussy. Oh my god. He is the worst like male lead. Like that's your example of a male lead is like and a guy that you want

As someone who can't stand up and there's a lot. It's like Jason get your girl under control She's doing this for you, bro, and he's like I can't give up my free mojo Sorry Oh, yeah, and then Hannah has the weird screaming fight. And I was out of the hotel. She goes to run off and she says, I'm leaving. And don't follow me in the exact same tone as a three year old bedding. You can't tickle them, right?

So, so she, we see her walking home. It is the next day. Keep in mind they drove all day. She has not slept until the hotel room checked in and then just wandered out. So apparently she walked overnight with her two broken hips, whatever. Yeah, that's right. Also a woman walking alone with sunglasses and two pieces of luggage down an abandoned road is how every law and order.s. If she went to be a white woman jogging, that would be the only way that she would be guaranteed

to be ripped and murdered. Oh, if she got abducted by the family from across the lake. We got it up. We really hate her. We really, really hate her. Let's go abduct her. She's leaving in the middle of the night.

All right, but instead, Jason has rented a car to track her down. So now the two of them can go to mobile. Alabama together, which means that this could have just been a movie where he's like, well, do you want to go to a mobile? You and I could go together. He'd already written all this and then he was like, oh, no, I'm keeping it. I guess I got a lot of pages up. I watched this movie for free and I still want my money back. That's how bad this shit was. I feel guilty.

I rented it on Amazon. Oh, sorry about that. Send me a receipt. We'll write it all. No, no, no, no, no. You know what? No. Some gaffer somewhere got underpaid.

We are making matching donation to plan parenthood for $3.99. Yeah. There you go. In Mike Pence's name. Yeah. All right. So now we get another road trip montage. Only it's just the two of them. Now, now, apparently, this is how you road trip. I've been doing it wrong. I get in the car and drive to the place and occasionally stop at a fucking Arby's or something. But no, apparently there's stopping to hop on rocks that you do. And apparently if you're going to have a particularly meaningful conversation, you have to stop and find a doc to crawl under. Yeah.

How does this start? They're just like driving down the road and he's like, you want to see, you want to talk somewhere more photogenic? Well, and also like where, I was confused, like where are, where are these starting? I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, like, unless they're like in, and like St. Petersburg, Florida or something, I was like, where the hell are they? Yeah, that they're going to be going by water.

They're going to go buy a mobile on their way to New Orleans. Yeah, it would have been nice for, well, we needed was a little Indiana Jones map that doesn't move very far. Oh, that would be so good. Wait a second. If it was Indiana Jones map, then her journal would be like the book. Yeah, the Grail Diaries. Yes.

The Grail Diaries. Oh my God. This movie, it wasn't too late for this movie as what we're saying. Like the movie could have still pulled it out right here. And you know who Alana is? Alana is the woman from Indiana Jones three, the one who's the me. Yeah, that, yeah, that fuck Sean Connery.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. All right. And all ties together. This happens in the Indiana Jones universe. You see, all right. This makes a lot of sense.

Well, we'll find out that she was like mostly aborted with a whip later on with that, that would be the big reveal. So okay. So and so they're sitting under this dock. And again, like, I feel like Jason is just trying really hard, but he just can't make the move because he's like, you know, they're sitting under a dock together, which means at one point, one of them's like, you want to see one of those, like, get out of the car, find some place to be alone. And then they went and play, went, went, found a place to be alone. He's like, you want to maybe go under the dock for a little bit.

And she's like, yeah, and then he's just sitting there talking to her. He's like, I feel like I've run out of euphemisms now. And I can't just ask if you wanna have sex here now. It's not, so they end up just talking instead. Remember the first scene in the movie? When you gave me a hand job, when the lake was stopped. Remember? Remember how at the beginning we ran into water with her clothes on you want to do that? Let's press the water again.

Yay. And they do that. I was just waiting for a lot of the girlfriend to come out from behind the pure and cut his dick off. Like that hasn't happened yet. I was like, oh, yeah. I know she should bite it off like so it'd'd be more gallum like, you know, right before you can throw her into the ocean.

So, all right. So they go, so they, they run into the water again. And now we get this just silly wacky scene where they go to a hotel and, and, but they're so can wet. And they only have enough money for one room, except that he will later have more money and they will rent this same room for multiple nights later. I yeah, but they, but they can only get to one room now for reasons that

don't make no sense. And there's only one bed, I guess, they'll have to fuck. But they don't, they don't, she goes to sleep in full clothes and a hoodie to be robbed. Also a full face of makeup Is that normal? You go to sleep in full makeup generally? I know, okay. All women all women go to bed. Okay, good. All women. But I'm putting on my makeup now to go to bed. It's fun because then you get a little picture on the pillow in the morning. You can try to

figure out what it looks like. Tells you how you're doing psychologically. It's even better than an email diary. Also, this I love this scene because the tension was that she revealed that she's a virgin. But the way she said it was, I'm glad I haven't done these things with that. It was like, oh my God like we need a sex ed class. Yeah. I mean like to be so afraid of it, to be so uneducated to have it, she's 19 years old. Yeah, right.

And she's basically saying, I'm kind of glad I've never had a P in my V. I don't know what you. Oh, she's the worst. She's like, are you asleep? Good. Let's name our character traits and describe a situation that we're in. I don't know. First, you're a popular college boy, and I'm an awkward premium, the friend zone. Speaking of segues, I'm a virgin. Like, God, God. I hate everything she said. My feelings about Hannah keep shifting though. Like, she's the worst at this point. But then the next thing she says, she says, I have a wild side.

You've seen me play Scrabble. I'm wild. And at this point, I'm like, okay, I'm back on board. That's super hot. That's super hot. But then seconds later, she's like, what are you thinking about right now? You know what? Don't even answer.

I'm storming out. I was like, God damn she, you're the worst. Well, and it was like this, it was like this way to like infantile her infantile lives. Or whatever the word infantile is. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like, if I was to correct you at that point, that would be a version of that. Sorry. No, it isn't. I asked for the right word. But like, it but it was so difficult for me to watch this character. I mean, we have to watch somewhere along the line. They're like, she's got to be old enough to give consent.

Right? We shouldn't be making her the romantic lead. But the story falls apart after that. You know, it's like she doesn't know any better. So it kind of seems like maybe there's something else going on. Or also, if you have epilepsy, you are not getting laid to your very, that's also. Yeah, yeah. Narcolepsy is one like that too. Yeah, well, you're gonna, well, never mind. I'm not going there. Um, all right. So she decides though that she's got a storm out and she's gonna fall asleep on the couch in the lobby in the hotel room like they let you do. Yeah. This made no fucking sense whatsoever.

Well, especially because then he comes out and sleeps on the couch with her. She's always storming out of places. Like, she can't make a decision. And so like the writers are like, that's what young bitches do. They like things and they storm out. It's like make a fucking mind up. Like, that's the way to advance it.

Like, that's the sexual tension. Like, if you've ever seen stranger things, they didn't so beautifully. Remember when it was like, the Will's brother was on the ground, and then Nancy was in the bed. It was, she's like, they just, they just saw the Denver organ, right?

Yeah. It was like the best sexual tension in there. So exciting. Two people lying on a bed next to each other, and it's totally within within their Christian value realm. They couldn't even do that though. No. No, yeah.

It is a weird juxtaposition that this movie had to have this undercurrent of sex in a situation where, like, unless you're a crazy Christian person, you probably would just have sex. And then, but then they had to create the tension around it too. Yeah, it was, it was pretty fucking, it, it, it put the writer in an impossible situation and the writer wasn't even good enough to deal with the highly probable situations, right? So and that's, this is also, by the way, where I glanced down and realized we're still an hour left in this fucking movie.

I got very depressed at this moment. So okay. Now this whole time, they've been going to mobile apparently because the only evidence she has is her birth certificate, which says where she was born. So, they're going to the hospital where she was born. The next scene is them arriving at this, let's say hospital. Nothing like a... No, it's... Well, in fact, we both have in our notes. This is very clearly a shot or to school. This is an elementary school that got closed out. But they just put this on hospital.

Yes. It's just a hospital. It's just a general hospital with like an unmarked ambulance that it says on the side of the A. It's so stupid. Yeah, down here in state, possible. I don't even think that this is the quote hospital where the babies went to die and it got shut down. I mean, so this is the baby death hospital. Well, no, it's, but it's not going to the abortion clinic though, right? Because we'll learn in a bit that she got driven from the abortion clinic to this hospital. Oh, that's right.

That's right. We never see the abortion clinic. That was burned to the ground. That was firebombed. It was actually. Right. You're right. You're right.

So they show up at this hospital. It's all, I boarded up. Obviously hasn't been used in years. So they go and stare in the windows like her birth mother is just going to still be there. Right. I've been looking for the way out for years. Um, but, uh, and, and, and when this doesn't work, they break in. To do what? What do you, what do they think they're going to find a sense?

Yeah. They break it. I was okay with that actually. I was like, do something. I've ever seen so far. Yeah, I mean, they could have turned it into a horror movie at this point. That would have been great. There's an hour left, preemie zombies, an hour, that would have been an amazing way

to finish this movie. I mean, that's where you write in a discovery about self or it's just they find like, what if they feel like a dead nurse's journal and the dead nurse's journal then became the side plot. It was like, like, B plot. Yeah. That'd be like the last Jedi. All right.

So meanwhile, Dad's getting home to mom. Hannah hasn't called. They're all freaked out. And this is just another example of the writer being in love with his own writing Where dad has his whole like I remember the first time I held her in my arms speech. Yeah Stupid I just wanted to cut to him like wrestling a baby away from a doctor and running out of plant Diving into a getaway car Hannah explodes pink paint all over him

They should have that kind of security on babies Well look into that well look into that so yeah, but mom tells dad at this point She's like I think we should tell her everything and dad's like I don't think she can handle that Mysterious thing until the third act what mysterious, I don't think she can handle that mysterious thing until the third act. What mysterious thing? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, look, what did they bomb the clinic? Are the parents the bombers? I don't know.

I have the parents of the bombers. Well, the other thing is it's like these people are fucking monsters. Yes. Their monsters, like, that is the point when the doctor reads your journal. That's the point when you tell her everything. I mean, to continue to keep the manipulation, it was like, oh, I know we still like are like made to think that we like them, but then they're like, oh my god, the mom is like totally spineless, is totally under the spell.

Like she's the kind of mom that's like, changed to a bed later and then you're like, oh, but she was so nice. I just started to go to the grocery store. And it's like, that's when she just, because she runs away, like she bites her way out of the chair. And she's like,

Mom, that's it. This is such a better movie. Yeah, just keep describing where you're going with this. I like this so much more. Yeah, like the, like the steppered wife mother was a terrifying portion of this film that she simply existed. So dad would have someone to talk to in the non-daughter scenes. Right, exactly. So, okay, and then we get this funny little cut where mom says, I think we can trust our

daughter. And then you cut to her getting her mug shots taken from breaking into the abandoned hospital. Oh shit. Yeah. I have to say, how bad do you have to be to break it breaking into abandoned hospitals to get arrested on the site? Anyway, yeah. So and by the way, these are comedy mug shots, y'all. That's so fucking funny. It's just awful. It's just like, first of all, nothing better is happening in mobile that like they are gonna arrest two people breaking into a planet, like an old school that was released as a hospital once probably in like a bad hurricane.

Right? And then the comedy mug shots, like it's like, hilarious, funny, out of place inappropriate, you would get your ass beat if you did. Yeah, don't tell children to do that. Yeah. So and of course we have to get the bit where like Jason calls Alana from jail, but she won't help him because she's bitch. Alana's a bitch, yo. You guys can't count on blonde girlfriend, y'all. That's a Christian movie universal. Or movie universal. That's a film universal universal. Or movie universal.

That's a film universal. The blonde is always the blonde dude is always the bad guy and the blonde girl is always a bitch. Yeah, blonde guy is always co-brocon. Yeah, exactly. I immediately was thinking of Johnny Lawrence. Yes. Well, they're right with me. All right.

But then once again, she's going to sob story slash white privilege her way out of this one. So, yeah, the cop just, she tells her story and she was a boss proportion and blah, blah, blah. And she just, he can't bring himself to send him, send her to jail. In fact, he's gonna help him. He can't bring himself to send them a center to jail. In fact, he's gonna help him. He's got a clue. He's like, you know who would know something about this? Mary Rutledge, here's her address. I'm a police officer.

Yeah. She's like, wait a second, Mary Rutledge. That's the same name on my birth certificate. This is the thing that I was like, wait, there's no way that they're gonna make this coincidence. He's like, I know that signature. I was like, yeah, it's a small town. And then I was like, oh my God, is he her dad?

No, he just happened to remember. And then I was like, oh shit, maybe that cop is, yeah, he raped her mom fast, where is, oh no, he's gonna rape her here. Oh God, oh no, he just broke it. No, yeah, no. It's funny. Like you had not given up as quickly as I did. You were sure that something was going to happen and I appreciate that. I appreciate that. It's blissful. I have a day. You watch 128 of these things and you lose that in our hurry. All right.

So they're not going to, they're not going to get her in any trouble. In fact, he's going to give her the clue in letter ago. But before he leaves, he has to say, first of all, this is fucking bizarre. He says, well, you know, my wife is working on our fourth kid. So I know quite a bit about abortion. Yeah. What? Why would botched abortions? Yeah, right. We started out with 26. We're gonna board two more tomorrow. Also, I have to say I kind of like this anger kind of look like Kevin Costner's like brother. Like if he is career never got off the ground, you know, like Sean Penn, like Chris Penn. Yeah, yeah, except a lie. Yeah, yeah Penn, I kind of like that actor.

Chris, but yeah, he's just I thought he was dead for a least bit dead forever. Oh, I thought I thought he was dead. I thought he was dead. I thought he was dead for like 10 years or something. Oh my god. So the Kevin Koster wannabe wants to before he lets him go, has to ask what she's going to say to her mom when she meets her And she's like, I don't know and then the cops should say yeah, it's almost like this is pointless, right? Like it couldn't possibly help you or her for you to do this But instead he he gives her a little sermon about forgiveness and how important that is Yeah, and also he says life isn't always black and white.

You know, you've got to hate the crime, not the criminal. And I was like, this is coming from the mouth of a white Alabama. I don't believe you, sir. Yeah. Right. You're second. Just gets kicked out of the union. So yeah, we heard all of that.

Oh, no, I didn't mean it though. I mean, I'm out of portions. But hate the game, not the player I was talking about. The game of a board. It's like operation. You don't talk to the sides. Sorry. I thought I thought he was going to say, what are you going to say to her that there should be better access to abortion throughout the South? Oh no. Oh, I bet she didn't live anywhere near a mobile. Did she? All right.

So now they put now we get the best scene in the whole fucking movie. She pulls up to Mary Rutledge's address. This is the nurse that he's clued her into. We'll know something about her abortion. And she goes up to the door. She knocks and nobody answers right away. So I wanted her to just break in. You know, like, oh, you were, you were in the bathroom. I'm sorry. This is what I do. It's kind of my thing. But no, instead Mary Rutledge comes out, leaps out her with a sharpened coat hanger determined to finish the job that she started.

Oh, I couldn't have been so much better, but no, instead they have tea together. It's Whitley Gilbert, though. It's Jasmine Guy from different world. Yes. Yes, it is. Wait, is it for real hurt? Yeah, that's Jasmine Guy. I'm very, very disappointed.

Oh my God. Oh, these movies ruined people for me so many times. Another one on the list. Harry Anderson, John Ratsonberger. Yeah, they ruined everyone from 80s sitcom. All my 80s sitcom favorites are ruined by Christian movies. Yeah. It's uncanny. Yeah. One more to the left.

I have a question. So is Jasmine Guy like, is she super Christian? Like because she understands that people are going to, the only way an actor could suffer through this is not, this is a sag ultra low budget price. It's not going to suffer good money. Right. Right. No, I think I would think it has to be that, right? Because especially because like, wasn't while you see one of these people who's roped into it and then you see the scene that they're in isn't that bad, right? So they have like a minor delist celebrity or whatever. And the one scene they're in is the one scene in the movie where they're not like, yeah, and you own your wife. I ain't no such thing as Marital rape. So it could have

been something like that, except that she's in the worst fucking scene. Yeah, it's the exact opposite. Like with like Robert Loja, he was like off camera on a TV. He didn't have to show up at a set. He just like sent it in. But yeah, she had to do a whole thing in a terrible scene. Oh, it was so bad. Yeah. Okay. So Mary, it just so happens, remembers her botched abortion in stunning detail and has all the documentation within arm's reach. Of course, yeah, it's great on top of the chocolate chip cookie recipe. So I put on, I just slipped through this folder of botched abortions that I keep on my dining room table. Yeah, there you are. Perfect.

Cool. I have all the information you need. I have you filed under B for botched. What do you know? Good. Good. Then this becomes like, this is the classic like cautionary tale. She's like, she barely, your, your mom barely knew him.

She met him at a bar. They had a night together and then he was gone. It was like, oh, yeah, of course, like, of course, that's why would I expect different dad's some dude from a bar. Your mom's an idiot teenager. However, I have no follow up. The best thing they could do was abort that baby, huh? Yeah. So that's why the moral of this story is to make condoms freely available. No, it isn't. Are you all there?

Not yet. You know social cues. Are you terrible? Yeah. Of course you would have guessed. And the other cautionary tale, of course, is not just for the, for the abortion mom, but it's also for the abortion nurse. She is racked with guilt over all those babies she'd done murdered way back when, right?

Like that, that's the, that's the main thing we're learning from this scene is that she's just never quite gotten over the horrible things she did to those zygotes. And also apparently she describes the, the doctor at this horribly funded clinic, which is really the fucking point here. But she describes this doctor as like clumsy. Like there was like this clumsy abortion doctor. She's like, yeah, it was a failed attempt. That's what happened with you.

And is like, is that normal? She's like, yeah, for this doctor, it's absolutely normal. What? Absolutely. This, this scene made me so angry because it was like, I mean, so mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean their fucked up information about like abortion clinic. It's like it was and she's like they have a thing that happened terrible things. Yeah, things that had me do was like you mean aboard babies because it's abortion. Yes. Well, that's what I mean. But but but they're

not saying anything right? But like they keep avoiding shit because she's like halfway through someone wrong. I can't tell you what it was because the writer would have had to look a bunch of shit up and see what actually goes wrong. So it's just something cut to Jim Belushi with a samurai sword. And but but then there's also like like like you said, she's like a old but terrible things happen. So they want to make you they want to hint around that the abortion doctors were just eating the fetuses in the back room or something like that, but they're not going to come out and say it. And when she says, is that a normal thing for a person to survive an abortion like that?

Rather than citing you, the actual statistics are showing you how incredibly uncommon that is. She's like, oh, with this doctor, sure, you know? It's like, okay, well, why do we, why are we going to attack the callicaridate for a fucking abortion in the first place? Maybe that was the problem. And Island of misfits of like not well-aborted still alive. People that just said, you see that Island, it's just the perfect map of Alabama.

It would explain so much. Yeah, so, so apparently her mom went to to evil abortion clinic, uh, to see evil abortion doctor, but they weren't quite ready, uh, able to abort. And so mom came back a second time. Uh, and she was like, can you finish killing this for me? I guess exactly. Exactly. Exactly. By the way, who's that guy out in the parking lot? Roy Moore, something he was harassing me. Can you get him out of here? He rode a horse. This is a really sweet horse.

All right. So so her mom tried to abort her a second time, but dammit, she was in labor this time. And this is where we learn that she had a twin brother as well. Amazing. And apparently her twin brother. So the nurse runs her to the hospital to have her babies. The twin brother had a missing arm, which was torn off during the failed abortion. That's how samurai abortion doctors do it. Well, yeah, no, it's like reverse hangman.

Yeah. What? They just kind of do like they pull and then there's a guillotine that goes up and down and they avoid it That's how abortions work and then sometimes you stop and you're like all I got was an arm so far Five o'clock. Let's call it Gonna go it's like a drink three stooches, you know like the doctors got both his feet up right on her legs And he's like pulling and then in the like the doctors got both his feet up right in her legs and he's like pulling and then then the big

and he's pulling and he's like pulling the arms so missing one eye to get broken one eye is weird

yeah so he had a missing arm and he didn't make. But also this is where Mary's just like, and it just so happens, the nurse is like, it just so happens that I still have your mom's arm band from the hospital right here. Also right here, what is happening? Like I thought she was about to like open her fridge and be like, and here's your dead brother's corpse in a jar.

I'm like, next, the line of abortions survivors outside our apartment. I get a lot of this. That doctor was really bad. You don't know how bad that doctor was. Hold on. Let me see the jar one time. Oh, no, this is different. Here's yours.

Here's yours. All right. So, yeah. But so apparently the parents had adopted both her and her brother or brother only hung on for 30 days and then died. And the mom apparently just ran out of there right after she had the baby. She changed her name, changed her identity and everything, but Mary knows who she is. And she just so happens to have her business card. Again, right there. Her hair is all this stuff coming. She's like a video game character just pulling out weapons

for the inside of us. It's crazy. This just makes no sense. And then I love this. This is one of my favorite scenes actually is and Hannah Leaves goes in the hallway and we just see this shot of her. It's kind of silhouetted and she's just crying and she

tears up the card and she's sweeping and I'm just like, this is not acting. This is the actress crying about this shitty. Yeah, right, right. Or she was just having the exact same reaction that I had when I realized there were still 45 minutes left at this point. So that realization, I'm going to need a minute to collect myself, but first let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will Hannah find the birth mother that tried to abort her? When she does, will it play the Beatrix kiddo revenge theme? How can there possibly still be 45 minutes left? By now, the answers to these questions and more. We will return for these spectacularly redundant conclusion of October, baby. Dr. Heavy, figured out what's wrong with me?

Well, perhaps. Now, Hanna, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but in addition to the cat scan, the MRI, the blood work, and the physical, I also read your diary. You read my what? Yeah, your diary, your dad emailed it to me. Yeah, sorry about that. Wait, wait, you transcribed my entire journal in an email? No, no, no, I photocopied it and sent it as a PDF. That was much quicker.

Why would you do that? For the medicine? Yeah, right. I feel like we're getting off track anyway. Hannah, based on all those factors, I think I'm ready to offer up a diagnosis. It seemed to me that you're an asthmatic epileptic with terrible metaphors and malignant white privilege.

What? Yeah. Now, I think the LukaTrain modifiers are keeping your asthma under control, but keep carrying your rescue inhaler anyway. And whatever you do, do not use darkness as an analogy for depression. That's super tried. I don't think this is really your field of expertise. Okay.

Now, I'm going to prescribe some perspective as well. Keep in mind, some mullion kids are fighting hyenas with leprosy to get a meal. And you're wanting about some crappy school play and a diary. It seems a little petty. None of this feels appropriate. Okay. Now let's talk about those doctor fantasies you described in your June 11th entry. Turn to that one. Hey, podcast listeners. I'm Lucinda Luzians and I'm here on behalf of your significant other to remind you that Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Shoot.

Oh, shoot. And this Valentine's Day, we don't want you to crap the bed again. It doesn't matter how much she hates scraping ice off of her car. A heated ice scraper is not the right gift. But you said you liked it. I was lying because you look sad. And while we're on the subject, neither is a microphone stand for your microphone. Okay, yeah, but you had just said the day before that you needed to buy me one and I was going to

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flowers and freshly dipped strawberries from Sherry's berries. Visit proflowers.com today and in our code, awful. That's proflowers.com code awful. Do it today. All right. Are you talking to me now? I'm also talking to you. Yes. Got it. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, she was crying in a hallway, but now she's apparently left that hallway and gone to moat closer to a large body of water. That's her safe place. Yeah, I guess. So she holds up the business, remember she tore up the business card. Well, now she has taped it back together. What? What are you?

Amish just typed up. Why would you tape a business card? You had all the pieces. You could just get relevant. If nurse Mary walks into the hallway, it takes a roll of tape out of her ass. Here you go. You might need this too. I have lots of useful things.

Yeah, so she's sitting there talking with Jason looking at the taped up business card. Started to think that dad was right and maybe she shouldn't know the truth. And I'm like, hey, that's the message of all Christian movies as it turns out. Look, and then Jason says, it's not your fault. Because he is it, he's just saying random random I want you to stop crying words. And then I love as she's crying, she leans over on his lap and she's weeping on his lap. And Jason looks over his shoulder out to the body water and you know this dude is like, do you think she'll give me a blowjob?

He absolutely had that in his head because at that moment, he also pulls her hair away from the camera side. Yes. Like, blowjob. Born. He's about to have. But I guess this is like the first movie he's ever done that wasn't born. I know it's not true, but that's what it's you.

All right. So then they have an identical scene in a hotel room later, just to really reinforce this whole boy. They secretly love each other a bit. And then she goes to see her birth mother. Now, I want to point out, we mentioned this already, but the birth mother is a lawyer and a fucking Yeah. Oh my God. Couldn't have picked a better fucking Christian movie villainous. She was like, do math at some point. She's evil. Earn as much as a man. Establishing shot. She's taking a derivative.

So evil. So okay. So Hannah goes into the office. she's like, hey, I'm here to see Sydney, whatever her name is, whatever the mom's name is. And she's like, oh, she's not in right now. She's like, okay, I need to use your restroom. And she's like, it's right around there. And then she sneaks into Sydney's office. Yeah. They really want Hannah to be this like noble outlaw.

But there's no reason. No, Brent, you can find a birth parent without like dropping into everything on a rope like mission and blast. Also, that receptionist, I imagine the garbage. She's like, just walk by. It's like, that gun doesn't go off, right? You're going to shower in there aren't you? Yeah, maybe just a little bit. Okay. All right. Clean up. So yeah, I was expecting another silly mug shot scene after that. I broke into another place to buy my birth mom, but no, she gets to the office and there's this great moment where she like she sees that there's a kids drawing like a two mom drawing. And she has this whole like that bitch wanted kids just not me

kind of a moment. That's where the single white female begins. We've got more kind of like tension filled like handheld shots. And I was like, this is where the movie picks up and Hannah burgers are baby. I was exactly really hoping Hannah would get like super competitive with a toddler for the rest of my life. She's all angry like she draws a better picture and tapes it over the little. Mine does in the top of the fridge.

Fuck you. I'm just sitting on this pillow. There's no one underneath this. I love you, Mo. So okay. So Sydney comes in and Hannah says, Hey, this is so awkward. I'm your abortion. I wanted to be like, hello, my name is Hannah. You killed my brother.

I'm prepared to die. Hello, my name is Hannah you killed my brother Prefer to be called a botched piece of tissue And she's just getting rid of the whole I was born at this hospital on this day and Just then Sydney's husband comes in because again otherwise otherwise we'd we'd pass the backdelt test. Um, so the husband comes in and says, Oh, you know, you're a professional, but I still own you, right? So come with me. It's a really awkward moment. I wanted so bad for Hannah to just describe the exact situation here. Just be like, husband walking in while you're talking to your botched abortion survivor. While the survivor narrates.

Defining silence. I love to is like the mom acknowledges it. So it's like there is that's the thing that makes it so egregious at the dad walks in for me, which is there haven't had as this moment. And then like Sydney or whatever name is the birth mom is like, oh my god, and she goes and she says to the receptionist, Stacy, cancel my lunch and hold on my calls. So they're like, holy shit, they're gonna have a moment. And then the dad walks in and she's like,

oh, you must be the new intern. Goodbye now, I'm a robot, I'm a mom. Yeah. Uh-huh. She had a whole day planned and then the dad walked in. Because that dad's not the one. She's not gonna cancel lunch and send out the daughter's like, wait, and that's the other thing too is that if this idiot didn't sneak into her fucking office and instead just waited in the god damn waiting room, then the secretary would

say, hey, there's someone here who'd like to see you and get her in on the schedule. Jesus. That's just like bargain brand condom 50 cents. Group on for plan parenthood, $75, awkward silence, priceless. So yeah, okay. So she storms out of there, unloved and unfulfilled. And she watches the mom and the daughter, right? Like could mom Scott the little kid, the birth mom does. And she just like glares at that daughter, the same way she was looking at a Lana earlier. And I swear that I saw her mouth to the little girl who's waving, I will abort you.

Chopped up her arm and nails at the mom. So yeah, say, yeah, mom looks down and suddenly Hannah's there breastfeeding. Wait, wait, wait, what? So, all right, so now, but now dad shows up, not like adopted dad from earlier shows up. This is fucked up. The dad shows up. What? Again, let's emphasize one more time. 19 year old adult woman.

And the dad is like, you weren't supposed to go here, you told me you were going to New Orleans, getting the car and she does because, you know, Christian. And then Jason goes to have it out with dad once and for all. Except the dad just says, Jason stopped seeing my daughter and he's like, okay, sir. Let me go and put a seat in the air. Yeah.

All right. Anyway, so, yeah. So we cut to her being all pouty at the airport. Dad says to her like, after or something like this, I don't think you should go to college anymore. I'm not going to pay for your college. Wow, that was fucking harsh. Yeah. like this, I don't think you should go to college anymore. I'm not going to pay for your college. Wow, that was fucking harsh. Yeah. Yeah. It's a really action.

Completely like controlling and fucked up. And now he's acting like her ex-boyfriend. So this is awkward. Yeah. It's going to cut off her college tuition as that makes no sense. Per revenge. She being stubborn about DACA like some f**k. that makes no sense. Per revenge. She being stubborn about DACA like so. That's. Well, no, I think that we know that education in women is the way that they can like slowly get themselves out of the scenario.

So that's his control is like, I'm gonna make sure that you don't know the world. Right. Well, and then, right, but what else would he be saying? Other than, yeah, you knowing things has not been good for me, right? Like what other message could he possibly be sending your birth mom teach you math. I heard she did math.

Take me to college. They realize you that old Chris rock joke and he's like who taught you off to go on? Yeah, right. So yeah, okay. So she storms off because again, that's the only way she can react to things in this film storming off He chases her down to complain about how expensive her medical bills were when she was born Why would you did you think that was gonna work? It's just so now he's the villain, but he's the one that adopted her so it's like everything is confusing so I do I hate them so much free access to abortions. Turn abortions everybody. But at the point, see, you wouldn't have to have this horrible

conversation of Salah Park. Right. Because if you think about it, right, like the mom in this in this instance was supposed to have been trying to get this abortion at 24 weeks. Oh, it would have been great if they ended this movie and act one in the first trimester. Yeah, no shit, absolutely. So and then of course, she has to drop the whole, I know about my dead brother thing. Dad's all like distraught. She says, what was his name? I so wanted it to be lefty.

But they went with Jonathan. No, Jonathan. Anyway, okay. So now Jason heads back to New Orleans to rejoin his buddies. Remember them? They're still in this movie. And just, you know, right when you thought you'd finally escape Truman, basically, he shows back up wearing ridiculous, enormous sunglasses just to be an asshole, just to be like, oh,

these, these, right. We would talk about, most of it can in a monocle. It's just like a clear attention affectation. He looks like Ron Weasley, D'Aftry, blew his audition for breakfast at Tiffany's. Yeah. And then, of course, you have to have a lot of come in to be a bitch one more time. Like, she tries to apologize for hanging up on him when he was in jail. And he's like, I don't want to hear that bullshit.

I'm going home. And like I guess she got what was coming to her now, huh? And then we have like we have the like Jason and Hannah both being sad montage where in which Jason calls her dad to ask for permission to see her again. And that's like to them not at all fucked up. That's just like, oh, he's doing the proper thing. Look at that. Well, did you, I mean, I knew that that was the proper thing

because I listened to the words of the song that went over the montage. Oh, I was, it isn't easy. It isn't clear. You don't need Jesus until you're here. I so intentionally blocked out the lyrics to all of these songs. I'm sure they were amazing. That's the thing to you. You have to ask for a plan that you have to imagine that there's just Christian guitar guy as a party crueaning at you constantly through this thing,

right? Everything's a minor accord through the entire fucking movie. And okay, now we are an hour and 17 minutes into this film and they decide to have a reason for mom to exist for a minute. Just barely. Almost, yeah, yeah. So mom would like to come in now and have a mother daughter moment to explain all the lies and deceit. And the movie gets way fucking weirder here for me. Right. So mom explains that she was going to have twins too. She was pregnant, but then God aborted her twins.

It's okay when God does it. And so mom started volunteering at a pregnancy crisis center. For those people that are unaware. It's not what it sounds. No, no. No, a pregnancy crisis center is a institution that you find down in the American South that pretends to be an abortion clinic. So women will come in either looking for abortion services

or for neonatal services, and then they'll use it to try to evangelize to them and tell them about the evils of abortion. Oh my God, I didn't know that. That's what a pregnancy crisis center is. I keep going to those. That's why I have to do it. Oh, why is my Yelp search so bad? Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! fuck up an abortion of twins, but only partly, right? Cause he still kills the brother, but it makes him a couple months worth of viable. Like God is not very good at planning, right? Like so God's like listen to this, but he's like, oh, you didn't want me to kill those babies

and you shit. Jesus, are you telling me it's a wrong time? Fuck, I've got a, you know, like, okay, way to go. I'm nipin' it guy. you know, like, okay, way to go, I'm nip in it guy. Like how many more things can they pile on these tragic ridiculous things? They have 20 minutes left.

Like, you're gonna find a test tube full of gum on the side of the road that looks insured and they're gonna take it in and nurse it back to health. Fucking stupid. I love the idea that like, if God is sitting on a little cloud up there, he's like completely like, he was like on his iPhone, lost track of time, fucked up,

fucked up babies. And then some hilarious angel was like, hey, why don't you post on a job board? And he's a production and God's like a job board. That is sketchy as fuck. And the angel's like, no, no, no, no, trust. So she goes to a fucking job board and it says, you want some baby? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, so now Hannah has decided, oh my

fucking God, that she in order to find her roots now, has to go to the cathedral where her mother prayed her into existence. I really wanted her to break into the cathedral through the air ducts for no reason. She just falls into the briefs office. She just walks in. So, yeah, so well, she just walks in. We watch her walk to the cathedral for eight minutes first. Because that would have been confusing as fuck on her eyes.

And she's just suddenly there. She writes herself a note, I'm going to go to the cathedral. What I love about this is that there is a Christian joke in there that I didn't get, but then the two characters laughed. And I was like, oh, I guess that's funny, which is she sits in there. The priest is like, it's closing time. Church has got to close up for the night. And she's like, oh, um, I'm Baptist. And then they're like, uh-huh. I was like, oh, yeah, what? Okay. Like I just didn't like know how to do it or something.

Yeah. Well, at that point, you're just fucking with the priest, right? It's like when you go into the restaurant, just as they're closing, right? And they're like, we were just about to close and we can't technically ask you to leave since we're not quite closed yet. And then you go, oh, it's okay. I wasn't going to order anything. That's what it was like, right? Because this is very clearly a Catholic church. And she's like, yeah, I'm not even your fucking religion. And you're still going to miss the first quarter, aren't you?

Oh, yeah, the priest really wanted to. He's like, man, I closed that on my checks. I'm going to go, God, he starts like picking up entire pews and flipping them over. I'm just like, no, no, we're sorry lady. Done for the night. But yeah, but instead he smiles and sits down and he's like, well, what can I do for you? And she's like, let me summarize everything that's happened in this film, leaving nothing out. This is what I call the dude wears my car recap.

Yes. Right. This is what I call the dude wears my car recap. Yes Right Assuming that all of our viewers are high every 20 minutes. They're like dude wears my car is like all right This is what we learn so far for viewers that are high Like at a certain point I'm like, oh my god. Are you gonna tell them about the turtle beach thing? I mean you feel like you've left out some important shit. I'm in also through this whole thing. She has this long monologue to give right now, which is again, just a plot summary up to

this point. And she just seems to try to like random facial expressions here and there. And again, I can't say that's because she's a bad actress because the lines are so bad. You can't imagine you could put Barbara Streisian in this. You pretty much be doing the same thing right? Anyway, so the priest hears all of this and he goes, well, that seems like a super no-brainer conflict, huh? Not the kind of thing you could fill an hour and 48 minutes with a, where the movie

with is that you should just forgive your aborted mom birth mother and love your adopted parents, huh? And she's like, yeah, I guess that's pretty much. That's pretty much it. Huh. So like turn the other cheek. You mean like let myself get a board. I feel like you're misinterpreting. Yeah, but yeah, he tells her to let it go because religion edits best can't do any better than an average Disney song. And then just as she's about to leave, she goes, or he stops when he goes, Hey, Hannah, live your life to the fullest. You're, you owe it to your armless birth defect brother. Yeah, exactly. I wanted a big montage of her doing stuff with two arms that makes no sense.

Just like eating with one chopstick in each hand for no reason. Like jumping in on the drums with death leopard and playing. I love that idea. I love the idea of her. And then she's like trying to get super empathetic. And so she like ties her hand behind her back and she just has one arm. And she's like trying to she's in a show trying to clap and she's like, oh, smack it herself in the face. Yeah. And then there's still 20 minutes left. Jesus. So she wakes up the next morning. There are crumbled pieces of paper all over her bed, almost like she's been,

um, I actually don't know what a woman could be doing. That would make a bed look like that to be perfectly honest with you. But so dad though needs to apologize for all the overreacting and pulling her out of college for wanting to meet her birth mother stuff. Yeah. So that's going to take her on a father daughter abortion survivor revenge vacation. Everything. The other.

Now, this moment needed a montage. Like they go on a shopping spree and like they're walking down the street with like shopping bags full of weapons. It's a, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some,

some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, Was that his baby Jesus, some of the shoulders? Yeah, so he's buttered a plane ticket to go back to Mobile, Alabama.

But before they do that, he'd like to make the movie even longer with a diversion. So he'd go to the cemetery to see the brother's tombstone. The whole time he had a fucking grave, these parents are monsters. Yeah, right. And one of the lines is we truly believe that God would heal him. But no, nope, didn't. It's like there's a problem of evil. However, this scene is over.

Yeah, right. The writer in this movie had so many sentences that they just gave up on midway through, right? They're like, yeah, I know that wouldn't seem like it would make much sense. All right, then, yeah, yeah. So, okay, but also he says like the doctor said there wasn't much brain activity, but we believe God would heal our brain dead baby No, it doesn't fucking work like that if there's no brain activity

You're just wasting fucking medical resources on a lump of flesh Right, I've is not thinking there's not much there to save and also, you know There's obviously like, you know, in my family, there's Christian scientists in my family. And they very much believe that like through prayer, it can affect the body. And they're, they can believe that as much as they want. Unfortunately, we have medical evidence in my family that that does not work. And so it's like over and over again, this is just like, like God believe in science. Why are we still having this conversation?

Now it's as possible The lesson is when you don't trust God you lie and deceive and you're controlling and you just are aborting Fucking everything Well, and also why would they bring that kind of shit up in their own fucking movie? It's their movie because though it could like, yeah, the baby we, they didn't think there was any she has that we could, it would survive. So we prayed to God and it did.

Right? It's your fucking movie. This is not a true story. Anyway, what a little arm to shoot out of the ground here. That would have been a good. That would have been excellent. They could have saved the movie right there. But then so she forgives dad, she's over it. So am I can we just watch the credits then? No, fuck us. Because now she has to go back and see abortion mom. So they see we see

her and dad outside and dad's like, do you want me to go in with you? And she's like, no, this is something I need to do alone. But she just leaves a note. Like, dear mom who tried to kill me, I forgive you. It's so passive aggressive. I can't write such a thing. I'm 100% team abortion mom at this point. Yes, absolutely. Yes, like, like, honestly, like,

what was the point for this woman, right? Like, other than like the ghost of Jacob Marley or whatever, like, what purpose does it serve to even have this woman in this movie or what, like, what is she supposed to, what moral is she supposed to pull from all of this? Right? So for me, the viewer, I'm watching this and it's like, for me, the guys that wrote it are like, oh, so she's the evil one because she went, she aborted this, she caused all the mom,

caused all this pain and Hannah's life, and then Hannah's the one that's the bigger person turned the other cheek, right? And it's like, I forgive you. So now this mom, who's this monster, is like, look, she's just a human being. Human beings are gonna be human beings. Now she can forgive herself and it's like,

what the fuck? Yeah, but like, I'm Well, right. Cause I, because the, because the thing that mom is, is saying is like, man, should I got a better abortion, right? Or something like that, you know, like, or are they saying that this mother would have been way better off if the world had one fewer lawyer and one more pregnant teenager that had to drop out of school? Is that what they're saying? One fewer lawyer. One fewer lawyer. Well, that's probably true, actually. Yeah, that's probably a true.

And I love she goes, she clicks the button. She goes, Stacy, as an attempt to clear her calendar, like, I don't think she does work like anything that comes up like. Stacy, I did you the cancel, love. It's like, you just got here. Yeah, but they've changed the Facebook layout again. I'm going to need a minute.

All right. Did you let anybody in with a Hanzo sword? Because I could swear somebody just chopped my arm off with a Hanzo sword. All right. So really bad at your job, Stacy. So now they leave. And that's not the end of the god damn fucking movie because dad has to forgive Jason now. Right. So we get this scene where the dad calls Jason and says, Hey, I think my daughter told me that you laid on the floor and jerked off under the blanket's quietly when you spent the night with

her. So that's very gentlemanly of you. I want you to ask my daughter out now. Yeah. I'd like you to continue not fucking my daughter, but you know, as her boyfriend right? Yeah, right. Would you do that? Yes. I would like that. Huh?

Yeah. So he calls it asked her out and she apparently didn't see that coming at all. And then the movie doesn't end there. Why wouldn't it just end there? It doesn't end there because Jason needs to start his relationship with Hannah with a fucking lie because all of her life is a fucking lie. He said, oh, we're going to go to dinner. So he makes her dress up and go to dinner and they don't fucking go to dinner. Yeah, right. Steady of boards, sir. That would be great. Yeah, but no, instead he takes her to the theater where the whole movie started. And he's

like, I thought you should finish the play from the beginning. And she's like, why would you think that? And he's the play. This is the end. Yeah, they were in the opening scene. It's like three hours. Yeah. I want to finish the three hour play. We got to watch the entire three. I like that would actually been kind of funny. Okay. And I have to point out again, this is how bad the play within the fucking movie is. At one of her lines is you can dispense with the pleasantries a bit trifle don't you think? I want to know what they think trifle means.

I want to know where they were going for or what they think they just said they're so fucking bad. It's like a parfait dessert. You know what? You know, this is like, this is like, he's like, you know, this is such a good idea. I'll take you back down to ground zero It's like This is where you're a portion adventure began All right, and of course you can tell their in love at this point by all the lens flare

They have I either I'm in love levels or I'm on Star Trek levels of lens flare. And then we cut to a baby. This is a superfluous baby. This baby has nothing to do with this goddamn movie. There's just now a baby in it. Whose baby was it? It was the cop. The cop that met her earlier and said he had three kids in another one on the way that was his wife's baby

Oh, Sergeant dots it was Sergeant dot fourth baby and the greatest reveal yes Wentley from a different world is now back to being a nurse But now one of those nurses that helps babies stay alive Tied up the shit out of that. It didn't take that. You would think the movie could end there. Wouldn't you? No.

Oh, we also see that abortion mom has now told her husband that she's off the devil. He's forgiven her. And we also see that Hannah doesn't need her silly old journal anymore. Her suicidal tendencies are under control with Jesus. Yeah. This is the last scene, right?

Where she's saying goodbye to her dad. Yeah, but right, there's still another fucking scene. There's another scene. Yeah. Another scene she's gone off to college. She's hugging dad, but all the dialogue, it's with Jason, is directed to her father. It's like the mom doesn't even

just everything must go through dad. Yeah, no, you expected her to say at some point also dad tell mom I love her too. Yeah, no, okay. And also the hug thing is so fucking weird because she hugs dad. She starts to walk away. But then she runs back to hug him again because they're like, you know, at the movies when they do the running hug thing, let's do that. Walk 10 pesos away so you can run back and hug me again. What? Yeah, he just like slips through the tongue. They run off a dock together that's there for no reason.

Yeah, right. So yes, she says, thanks for not aborting me like evil mom did. It's so nice that you actually wanted me. Yeah, here's the thing though, just because you didn't get aborted doesn't mean your parents want you. I just want to be very clear and tell you what it is. That's important to realize. Not really exclusive type shit.

Most parents don't know it. They're making college seem like such a super traumatic experience. It's like, well, this she's already been away at college. I think it kind of seems like it's like she's like a commuter student. Like, I don't know what the big deal is. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. She's going into her second semester of like a suitcase college. Yeah. So okay. And then it fucking ends. And finally fucking ends. It's over again. Some things just shouldn't be broad to term. But obviously, I feel like we can all agree this movie deserves a sequel. And

the writers going to need some fucking help. Obviously. Yes. Obviously. So any predictions from you all as to what dark secrets mom and dad will admit to in part two. Um, I think that Hannah finds out she's actually a replicant. And that all of her memories are fabricated by her father who's the scientist. All right. And it could get her more fucked up and the the scientist when she's he like controls her when she sleeps he just like fucks her scouts Because she's smelly because she's smelly I want to fuck a child replicant Kyle, rap licking. Oh my God. It's the next logical step.

All right, I'm going to say that mom got sexually assaulted by the literal alien from alien and she's keeping the baby. And that's the origin of alien. All seen a morph smatter. I feel like we're right on the same bridge. Yeah, those are not usually exclusive films. Those could both happen together

on universe. All right, well, make I can't thank you enough for hanging out with us again. It's been an absolute blast. If our listeners want to hear some more from you or see some more of you, where should they go? So I have a web series coming

out and it's called SCOTUS in the City and it is a section of the city meets the West Wing meets Golden Girls about the adventures of the female Supreme Court justices. Oh, okay. You're with Peter Ginsburg, right? Yes. Awesome. Yes.

And that is in the launch and the February beginning of March and it's going to be on my YouTube page, but it will be linked to my website, Meg Anderson, comedy.com. Awesome. Awesome. And of course, we'll share that on Twitter and everything as soon as it's available as well. So be sure to follow us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, do all of that stuff. And while that's going to do it for our review of October, baby, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to prepare for Eli's triumphal return. So he'd tell us what's on deck. The sobbing stone.

It appears to be a horror movie? A sci-fi horror movie. A sci-fi horror movie about a small rock that makes crying noises. Therefore, something. Jesus, I don't know. That's really the entire plot of the movie based on the trailer, I saw.

No idea. That's amazing. Yeah, it never ends. It never ends. So with that, to look forward to it and bring episode 128 to a merciful close, once again, a huge thanks to Meg for hanging out with us today at an even huge, thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an

ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to to live as five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows the skating a the excitation aided in the skeptic ride available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the offices of P. Andrew Toyers. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slot and the evil traps on Mars,

our leather music was written and performed by our audience engineer Mark and Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right? Neely Bosnick, I'm No Illusions, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week, until then we'll leave you with the Breakfast Club Clothes. Hannah found out the next day that she got pregnant on the hotel lobby couch when Jason had a wet dream. They took care of it. The nurse slept well for the first time in two decades, having nearly forgotten the comfort of not having that business card in her ass. Hannah went to college, decided to become an ardent pro-choice advocate fighting for better access to abortions. Change her name to Elizabeth Warren,

became a first female president of the world. What is she having? I like Mexico. Ooh, you got better internet than Eli. Yeah. Nice, smaller delay than normal. Oh, really? But good, a good, a 20th of a second.

I'm pretty excited. Well, here's what's funny, is that we were paying the like super duper souped up internet from spectrum and then the guy came in and he's like, you have shitty internet and they're charging you for service that you physically can't receive.

And I was like, holy shit. So we have shitty internet and it's better than Eli's. Oh wow. that you can't physically can't receive. And I was like, holy shit. So we have shitty internet and it's better than Eli's. Oh wow. And Eli is definitely paying more for it than you. And I just say that because not, it's not a reflection. Like if there's a more that you can pay Eli pays that. Oh, Eli pays Apple.

They don't even give him the internet. He just pays a measure because he wants to. Yeah, since the monthly check. Eli pays Apple and he has a Metro PCS. Yeah, right exactly. He sends a tip along with the bill. Um, yeah. That guy, am I right?

Yeah. Yeah, you're about to discover he's where all the energy comes from. So that's you today. Yeah. Because they're funny. Oh God, here we go. I was trying to say is that the greatest thing that I can?. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're funny. Oh God, here we go. I was trying to say is that racist thing that's like, yeah, that was like, oh God, no one can be

as outrageous as that. So if I become like being nice, like, consolation prize, that's fine. That sounds good to me. Got it. OK. Awesome. Thank you.

Sorry. I have the attention span of a millennial and the text will look a baby boomer soon. Ha ha ha ha. Awesome. Appreciate the warning. All right. a millennial and the tech book of baby boomer haha haha present all right here again the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle and thunderstorm llc capi

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