God Awful Movies - 13: GAM013 A Distant Thunder

Episode Date: November 17, 2015

In this week's episode, Eli and Noah tackle the second movie in the infamous A Thief in the Night series; A Distant Thunder.  This is the story of the all the stuff the girl dreamed about in the first movie happening in real life; which basically means it's the story of the first movie, but all the actors are six years older.  With a bold redefinition of cinematic insanity, this film more than lives up to its infamous reputation and includes one of the most disturbingly fanatical endings in the history of the moving picture.---Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more of his music, check out their Facebook Page.

Un chapuzón, con el habito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? ¿No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur? Con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Bayguésville Parque Sur. Do you not, were you not able to find out for yourself that a unicorn was gonna shit across the sky fire? You didn't need me to say that. You've got this perfectly clear 875,000 page book, it's mostly genealogies to tell you. Exactly, exactly.

What did the talking donkey not make this clear? I understand what about the talking snake threw you off from the fact that this is a book of true facts. Not awful movie movies. MOBI! MOBI! MOBI! Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Sinema and an effort to justify all the meth. I'm your host No Illusions and sitting 989 miles to my right as my good friend Eli Bosnick. Eli, good to you to join us, sir sir I've just had a cold for the last 48 weeks. Why does this lady keep making me sign my name? Need it and sitting 994 miles to my right is my good friend Heathen right but unfortunately he's not You know on this Skype call or anything. He's just I'm just gassing that he's sitting somewhere Not doing the episode with us, but hopefully he'll be back next week. We're hoping to have him back next week He's dead guys. He's not dead

Where you as you as you heard in the feedback for scathing atheist this week. He's he's doing just fine That's true best true. There was a lot of evidence in the scathing atheist feedback section this week Yeah, so today we're gonna be tackling the second film in the thief in the night series a distant thunder Which is basically the story of the thing that the main character dreamed about in the Thee in the Night series, a distant thunder, which is basically the story of the thing that the main character dreamed about in the last one. This combination of porn-level acting and smurf-level theology, terrified evangelical, you threw out the 80s and 90s,

and now it just terrifies lovers of good cinema and fashion. And according to IMDB, this is the story of Adoplo. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, I got to admit, I'm kind of getting into this series. And let me explain why. It's not a good movie. No, it's not a good movie. But the first time you've ever been told someone's crazy and then they don't act crazy around you and it's kind of disarraying. Yes, yes. They're like, no man, this dude, this dude, there's a reason why we call him

Nutty Jim and then you're like, what's going on? Jim and he's like, nothing, they're like no man this dude this dude. There's a reason why we call him nutty Jim And then you're like what's going on? Jim and he's like nothing you want some nachos, but then the next time you see him He put his dick over his wrist and stapled it there so that everyone would think it was a watch That's what this movie's like. I'm just I'm getting into it I'm getting into it now the audience was like oh, I can't wait for you to watch these and I was like bad sex movie But no, no, no, just under is ramping up the crazy and it looks like it only goes up from here. I certainly hope so I don't know how they can trump this one, but yeah,

the crazy factor is definitely like exponentially higher in this one. So now I guess I could ask just like which is better between this one and the first one, but that'd be too easy. So instead I kind of broke it down into its constituent parts. So in terms of production quality, better or worse? Definitely better. They had a fire and a horse. Fire horse. All right, how about in terms of man shorts?

Better or worse? This one's hard. Worse, because I didn't see anyone's balls better because when I did see them, I was so grateful. Well, right, right, yeah, exactly. They really made you wait for the short man shorts in this way. Yeah, you had to earn it. All right, and how about in terms of soundtrack better or worse?

I did not try to drill into my brain like the end of the movie pie to get the songs from this movie out of my head so I'm gonna go with better. All right, so far so good. How about in terms of overall psychological torture more or less? It's hard to say because on the one hand, should you let your baby die so you don't have to get a tattoo? On the other hand, I wish we'd all been ready. Well right, yeah exactly. It's kind of like, you know when the dentist is like what flavor toothpaste do you want? And you're like, oh, you mean that sand that you mix with a vague remembrance of a flavor?

And they're like, yeah, that thing. I'm gonna put that all over your face. What flavor that do you want? And I'm like, it could be human shit, man. It feels terrible. You mean the next 45 minutes of my life where you just put stuff into my mouth and make loud noises? Yeah, what flavor do you want that?

Bubble gum. Well I guess the sooner we get started the sooner that we're halfway through this series so we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back we'll dig all the way into a distant thunder. All right hello everybody welcome to the very first town hall meeting here in the new world order. I'm sure you guys have a lot of questions about the new laws and everything so uh to the very first town hall meeting here in the New World Order. I'm sure you guys have a lot of questions about the new laws and everything, so the floor is open. Yes, you, sir. Hi.

I'm Steve. I run the bakery in town. I'm a proud citizen. Great. Yeah, I was just wondering, the new hand tattoos. Can I get that on my face? You can. Wait, what?

This little citizen tattoo thing, I just, you know, I wear gloves at work and I was thinking we just as easily get the totally not electric razor tattoo machine on my forehead, like right there on my face. Sorry, let me make sure I'm following here. Nobody minds these tattoos and some of you want them on your face. Yeah, no, I like it. I mean, yeah, wow, lots of positive response to the tattoo face idea. Who to think. Next, you, ma'am. Hi, yes, I'm Lucy. I work at the fascist bug on Main Street. It's about these arm bands. Okay, all right. Yeah, here we go. Listen, guys, the arm band...

I love it. It goes with my hair. It goes with any outfit and it's such a great little piece of flare. Wait, you... you don't mind the arm band. Oh, not even a little excessorized. Hello. No, none of you... No, but I mean, you know, you guys do know that the last people to do the arm bands really were the Nazis, so we kind of figured they might not be super popular. Nope, I'm totally fine with it. You guys all like the arm bands? Yeah, love the arm bands too.

Wow. Okay, anything else? Uh, yeah, hi. I'm Brian, and I work in the space in Aeronautics division and I have some pretty serious concerns with the so-called explanation for the so-called Emergency. Okay, figure this was coming. Yeah, go right ahead Brian. Yeah, can I get a tattoo to my face? What? And we're back and unfortunately I feel like we kind of spoiled the opening for this film in last week's preview review because apparently the preview contains the first forty seconds or so of this movie verbatim which is delivered starwars style except over church instead of outer space yet you know how all great movies begin with a still image yes exactly this one is of a church. Yeah. And a long time. So for those of you who didn't hear the preview

of the last week, basically, it starts with giant red letters saying, the makers of this movie are not prophets. Right. But these are the words of actual prophets, which means that at some point someone along this creative process, if you want to call it that was like, guys, guys, what if they worry that we are actually the profits? And everyone was like, that's a really good point. That's it. We needed to vote 45 seconds or so of the movie to this. Yeah, good, good call.

We need a significant percentage of our movie to warn people that a, not only are profits real, but we are not the... Yeah, exactly, exactly. to warn people that a not only are profits real but we are not the yeah exactly exactly so yeah so we start off with these filmmakers aren't profits or filmmakers really when you come right down to it and then we get a bunch of Bible verses that basically justify all the crazy shit we're gonna get in the movie and I just wrote in my notes I hope the whole movie is just weird Bible passages just 55 solid minutes of and then he said to me I'd go on to the field and And so and so be get so and so and oh by the way

I have to mention this because it's nowhere near as bad as the song from the first one But during this whole thing we're getting not like a coral Jesus song and it's basically a bunch of people singing you know He was Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus He tell him not to do don't touch yourself Jesus was something about it being named Jesus Right so it was easier when people couldn't read We need to put it back in Latin, dude.

Yeah, he said it was fucking man. Luther was wrong. Luther was way wrong. So then we cut from the photo of the church to the video of the same church. So basically we cut to the thing that we're already looking at. And then inside, I guess everyone is sitting in laying in hospital beds singing this Jesus song. Right. They're singing the song from the beginning. They're singing exactly Jesus. A good old lying down sing songs. I don't know about you. But when I'm feeling blue, I lie in tent beds next to the people and sing the world's worst hymns. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then you'd fit right in in the post apocalypse so

we pan over a bunch of people who are sitting in this church or laying in this church like it's a disaster shelter or whatever and we see patty from the first movie and she's crying so everybody gathers around her to do Jesus spells or whatever right and basically the summary of this scene is patty's like guys I don't believe the summary of this scene is patty's like, guys, I don't believe in any of this Jesus shit. And they're like, but patty, if you don't believe in this Jesus shit, you should get the fucking tattoo. Right. And then you're allowed to go. And

patty's like, but if I get the tattoo, my soul will be damned. And it's like, make up your goddamn mind, patty. Right. Either you believe in the Jesus shit and you don't want the tattoo or you don't believe in the Jesus shit in which case you should get that tattoo right now. You should wake up a guard and be like, Hey man, I just realized that these two things are correlated. That too, please. Well, right. Okay.

So that's where we're starting in this movie. Like we're not even gonna warm you up We're with a whole bunch of people who are waiting to be murdered in a disaster shelter because they won't get their tattoo And all of them except for Patty are devout Christians and that's why they're going willingly onto their death, but Patty just can't Get over that now now to patty's credit. She gives really good reasons why she can't like no she gives great reasons why she doesn't believe in that Christ Bullshit yeah because they're like well why don't you either accept Christ or get the tattoo and she's like well I don't want to accept Christ because according to you guys he's the asshole who did this and They're all like all his fault right

Shush though exactly exactly everybody else is like hmm. Yeah, well you know what I like is Twix bites Yeah, oh you know They're so great whatever happened to pop rocks And by the way also we get a a Jew at this point who wanders up and he's very Jewey like he's they have to put a big star of David Oh, yeah, I wrote bear Jew is Jewish. Yeah at this point who wanders up and he's very jui like he's they have to put a big star of David oh yeah i wrote that there you is jewish yes exactly they don't want it to be a mystery at all but even he realizes in his horrible juiness that jesus is the way now because he starts quoting old testament passages to patty to calmer down and he quotes some cryptic fucking passage passenger patty goes what does that mean i'm like exactly there's the problem

and he's like you remember pop rocks you can make some of the city killed you i bet that was just i bet that wasn't real hard so you say some about how it all makes sense that's what you're saying yes it does no it doesn't know it does uh... so then like there's a priest who's there as well trying to talk patty into not thinking about the fact that she's gonna get murdered and he says like basically, well, hey patty, maybe if you told us all how you got there, we could do a flashback so we do. This priest does everything except go

With his mouth. Yeah exactly exactly. One of what it was like during those times those times those you okay father yeah I'm going. I'm going. So apparently it all started four years ago which Patty tells us through narration. Basically she says it all started four years ago, which Patty tells us through narration. Basically, she says, it all started when I dreamed a really boring movie four years ago. And then we got the opening, like the title, which is like, I can only describe it as Thunderball style. You know, it's like Alan Corne and the Lost Minds or something shows up Bum bum bum bum bum

What And we like you're about to see a real movie where things happen. Yeah, yeah No, they they certainly were trying to fool you into thinking that and then you get this this title theme and and this I have to spend a second on because it drove me nuts through the whole Oh, it drove us both nuts. We both spent the moon and we both messaged back and forth and we're like what is this? And I was like I think it's from Star Wars and you were like, it's not Star Wars. And I was like, no, it's the Imperial theme.

And you were like, no. Definitely not that. But yeah, no, it drove me nuts. I finally put it on Facebook and I believe it was Mark. I can't, if I'm getting the name wrong, I super apologize because you saved me so many sleepless nights of trying to figure out where the hell this was from. It's the goddamn theme from Monty Python's Holy Grail.

Yes, it is. It is absolutely, it's like almost note for note. The theme for this movie is the Holy Grail theme, which was a ripoff that this movie came out three years after Holy Grail. And it just, and it's the most of, like if you can't call that theme to mind, think, you know, like the spaghetti western version of a parody medieval movie. Right, yeah, it's so clearly like actions on its way. Exactly, exactly, and it's not that. No. Let's give you a final spoiler alert.

I don't want anyone to think we're going to describe anything happening. So now we're basically revisiting the beginning of the last movie The whole clock and which was her waking up from a dream which was the end of the last movie? Right. Yeah, we're revisiting both the beginning and end and Terrifying where I was like oh we need to watch the whole last movie over again I was like oh come on now They treat us those bastards. So now, all right. So if you recall, the beginning of the last movie was patty waking up and finding the gigantic

fucking ghost busters, proton pack razor that our husband had or kid had been raptured. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so now we're getting the moments immediately after that. And we're supposed to leave sitting in her sink. Yeah, exactly,ada, Deyada. Right. So now we're getting the moments immediately after that. And we're supposed to leave. We're supposed to be sitting in her sink. Exactly, exactly. And we're supposed to believe, apparently, that once you realized her husband and daughter were raptured, she got up, did her hair, put on some makeup, and then went and hugged

a pillow and started crying. Yep. So, so, oh, and of course, we've got the guy on the radio from the last one telling us how the rapture happened And I love this little throwaway line. She's walking out of the bedroom and the news caster says in summary most people are shocked Like most people are like who's not shocked my favorite line from the radio report was some find the whole thing exciting Yeah, and I was just like, who's that guy? I want to talk to that guy.

The Brian who walks out, well how about it, neighbor? Well, I got to send my right. I would be that guy. I'd be like, you know, all the evangelical Christians just disappeared. I can sleep in his lane as I want on Sunday. Nobody knocks on my fucking door. I'd be that guy. I'd be calling them in.

I'd be calling them into the radio thing. I'm one of those excited guys. Did you want to talk to me? Yes, I did. That now we know who would be. Be like, wait, so you're saying I can just get on the train and no one started out. Right. Yeah, man. No one starts shouting. All right. Fine. I mean, there's going to be teaming stuff. That's okay. I'll get a tattoo. We'll tattoo. Oh, we also learned by the the way that Patty has a pretty sweet fucking car. Anyway, it was a sweet car that she didn't have in the last movie all of a sudden. She got it.

She got it. Oh, was that it? It was a 2012 Honda City. That was her husband's razor probably. So now you can tell pretty immediately that you're dealing with a much better film. Like the director on this knows what he's there are establishing shots. He's been behind the camera before. He's probably touched one. He's exactly knows

what all the buttons do. Yeah. He didn't find this one in the garbage. Right. It was like Christian movie. Yeah. Exactly. He was sitting right next to the demonic porn. So now we get patty. She's getting in the garage, like driving off. And for a second, it looks like she's just going to kill herself in the garage. That's what I thought too, because she has a moment to be bummed in the car, where she's like, they're gone, they're gone. And I was like, she killed herself in the garage, but no, she's just like taking a second. Yeah, no, because she just forgot that the garage door was down. And they actually keep that in the movie where she starts to back up and

realizes the garage door is down, gets out of the car opens the garage door gets out I'm like you know you could and 55 minutes great excellent. You don't have to show her going back into the house to take a shit right exactly. Hey we don't have to use that shot are you taking a shit. Yay I'm so glad I was really worried about that. Yeah I'm I was wondering why you shot that so and then by the way through this all of this we're still getting the news guy talking about the rapture. and I'm wondering why you shot that. So, and then by the way, through this all of this, we're still getting the news guy talking about the rapture.

And there's an interesting exchange he has. He's interviewing somebody, I guess, on the radio show and he's going to some biblical scholar, whatever he's going, well, doctors, some people say that the word rapture isn't used in the Bible. What do you have to say? And I'm like, that's not an opinion kind of thing.

Either it is or it isn't. So, some people think that the word banana gram is not in the Bible. Well, that's a tricky question. Is the word in the Bible, no, are all of the letters? Yes. Are some of those letters very close together? Even more, yes. So I mean, if you're in Bible code it. If you're in Bible code it.

And the guy he's interviewing says you know has to kind of admit No, you know none of this rapture crap is remotely in the bible But it does say something about people being lifted bodily into the heavens So there's the second half of that interview where he's just like so what is actually in the bible? Okay, so Matthew thinks everyone's gonna die in like 10 minutes Everyone cut your balls off and we don't listen to that shit There's a fuck about and run around and tell everyone but then later on James is like now wait. I know that all that stuff. He said was bullshit

But you believe me when I say it's gonna happen and it didn't happen when he said it was but no This interview is over I haven't said anything And I also love that they reinforce even right like the credits are still running and they're reinforcing the message because the news guy says Well, but but doctor what there are still Christians here if it was the rapture Why wouldn't you be gone? And he's like well? I was a Christian, but i was a christian wrong i wasn't a crazy evangelical and only they get to go to heaven yeah and that's it by the way a major theme of this movie

oh yes so then the last movie is you were a christian wrong because you talked about loving people instead of scaring your grandchild yeah exactly exactly and it's funny cuz like they're trying like okay So now she's driving over to a friend's house and they're trying to go for like you know post-apocalyptic hellscape But all they managed was small fire on East Main Street. Yeah, exactly. She's just like oh I have to go the long way around because there's a fire truck here and it was just clearly like you know

The filmmaker called everybody up in the morning like hell there's a fire There's a fire I got it right across from my fucking house go get the camera get her, you know, the filmmaker called everybody up in the morning like, hell, there's a fire, there's a fire I got it right across from my fucking house, go get the camera, get her, get you know, I just wait in for a fire Exactly, exactly. Oh, sure it's fun tonight. Maybe, maybe you kids want to start a campfire You're the old barn. Make sure you put it out by blowing really hard So it's apparently so she went to see her friend Jenny when she realized that the Raptor happened, which is kind of stupid because her friend Jenny was the Jesus-e-s person in the entire movie. Right. Fucking Dush, you would get raptured, but she gets there and surprisingly Jenny's kitchen is empty. Um, and it was she only asked to check the kitchen, by the way. I love that about this movie. Like, well, she She's a Christian so she would have been in the kitchen

Not nighttime so she's not Having sex with her no one's having sex with her I don't think she's having sex no one is ever Sleep or crying She's not there. She's not what I mean is she's not there this frosting got over whipped and she's gone. She's gone now So yeah, so so Jenny was gone, like, or at least she wasn't in the kitchen. She could have been taking a dump or something.

We don't know. The first half of this movie, at least like the little red ride, no, he's like the Goldilocks and the three bears of the rapture. Yes. She checked the first house, and Jenny was there.

She checked the bigot house grandma was in there and of course We have to get a flashback at each of these houses as well, right which is interesting because we're already in a flashback So we're having flashbacks in the flashbacks. It's like found footage in the found footage You're finding a book in a movie bang out give yourself a stamp Exactly so now we cut to a scene of Patty and Jenny having lunch at a diner back in the day, talking about the apocalypse like you do. And my first thought when I saw this scene

was man, Jenny got way hotter. That's what I wrote, Jenny got super duper hot. She really did. Like Jenny got found a local Pilates class in between these two movies. I reckon it's not very often that women get more attractive when they lose the pigtails, but Jenny pulled it off. Yeah, damn.

So, but, but of course, like I said, they're talking about the apocalypse. And Patti once again makes this great point. She's like, well, you know, I'm a Christian, but I don't think you should use Christianity to terrify children. And Jenny's like, what kind of Christian are you, bro? Have you read our book? And that's the thing that I reflected most on in this movie is that there's always that one. There's always a counter apologetic in Christian movies.

And usually they just don't answer it, right? They're just like, whatever happened to be a prox. Yeah. Right, exactly. But this movie, the counter apologetic is within Christianity. and so I'm kind of on the side of the Rapture Christians because Jenny kept being like I believe that God is love and he believes that each of us is good Nor hearts and I was like why what about the book that he wrote makes you think I don't read the fucking Bill O'Reilly and that other guy who likes to make up history book and be like these guys really care about people. No I read that and I go those are fucking crazy people. Why did she read the Bible and go God is

love. There's nothing in the Bible to indicate. God has done nothing loving in that book. Nothing. No you're a loving behavior. And what's so funny is if there was a Christian on this call to counter he'd be like well he murdered his son right and I'm not good yeah Well, okay, so Voldemort's the bad guy when he created seven or cruxes for your sins Okay, but he created those or cruxes so he could live to forever Wait, who what what yeah, he's just you created him for us Wait did they for us are for him What? What? Yeah, he's just created him for us. Wait, did they... For us or for him?

For him. Right, yeah, exactly. And that's what Patty said. Your red cup is hurtful. Patty's going like, like, I don't think I could worship God if his plan was to, you know, murder all the babies and then torture all the people that didn't love his kid enough. And Jenny's... Come back is just, no, God's plan is perfect.

Even the butt rate demons part. All of it's perfect. Yeah, she's basically like, I couldn't love God if he was like that. And she was like, well, you better learn because that's the one we got, honey. Yeah, right. Who here?

Have a Jesus pamphlet I carry with me all the time. Yes, let me add, I had, oh, what's this? This is just my tribulation pamphlet that I can use. Map. Tribulation map, like a timeline. Well, yeah, a little timeline. I get, and then this will happen, and then this will happen. Well, and maybe this is just the geek in me coming out, but they kept referring to it as a tribulation map, but it's clearly a timeline, and I'm thinking to myself, isn't that just Christian to think that a straight line is a map? Yeah. And then you go here, and then you go there. It works just the same as logic. So, and then she justifies the fact that the rapture is, you know, imminent by pointing out that the Bible says

that people will gossip someday and they're gossiping. So, yeah, I mean, what more proof do you need? Okay. Oh, and by the way, Christian Movie Bingo, Jenny offers her a book too. Oh, yes. Christian Movie Bingo. You should read it. Although I love this particular version of

you should read this book is, oh my gosh, you have to read this book because of this one paragraph. And I was just like, maybe just read me the paragraph. Right. Maybe I don't read a whole book. Oh, yeah. Oh my God. You have to read this one sentence. And I was just like maybe just read me the paragraph right now No, you need to get in context you have to read this one sentence. It's in you Lissy started at the beginning So yeah, so like Jenny

Flashback ends and now we go to she she realizes that Jenny's not there So she goes to see her grandma who is the next to both Jesus He person that she knows yes, and well first of all grandma is a gem in yes, yes absolutely goes to grandma's farm Grandma's gone At this point I started to worry she was just gonna visit everyone in her life and that the first movie was her dream and the second movie It was just her going house to house finding empty houses. Right. Yes, exactly. Um, I wrote in my notes at this point, this is like a horror movie if the monster had already killed everyone.

Well, right, right, because like when she goes into grandma's house, they shoot it like, you know, she's about to like turn a corner and find a zombie any minute. Right. But the jump scare is just a phone off the hook. Yeah, the jump scare is just a phone off the hook. Yeah, the jump scare is, oh, God, she's gone. And I'm in totally safe. And I also love the way that this move, they could not think of any way to represent

Rapture except to have an appliance that was like, you know, on but no one around to use it. So we get that constantly the the shaver, the lawnower the phone the mixer you know every time they need to represent Oh this person's no longer here, but they were happened to be using an appliance at the time that they everyone in the Fucking world was using I hope as we go further into the movie they have to use more and more obscure appliances Because they're running out of common everyday objects. It's like well well, looks like Frank was just using his chain song, the kitchen, and here it is all abandoned. Hey, wait a minute. Why would Jenny's vibrator be on if she wasn't here? So, yeah, so now she's in Granny's bedroom and she finds the

tribulation. I guess Jenny gave her the tribulation map and then she sent it to her grandma who already knew all the shit that was in it and then grandma just had it on her bedside table for the last several years Light reading for game game. I guess. Oh, and this is also where she throws down this line She looks at the tribulation thing and the narration she goes. I used to think this was all science fiction Science fiction. Yeah, I wrote not science just fiction yeah just fiction fiction how dare you be smurched the good name of sci-fi yeah science fiction is where there's science this is just fiction yeah so it's not even fantasy you don't have dwarves or elves or nobs or dragons well there are dragons there are dragons no not in this movie there are dragons no no

unfortunately god damn dragons in this movie. I'm waiting though I'm hoping by the Vendors 4th one we're gonna get a dragon. We didn't even get any fire breathing Jews in this movie. Yeah It's bullshit just reading about them in the fucking newspaper And now we get the next flashback in a flashback of a flashback and this is Um her remembering a time I guess when she was at church and they brought in some fire and brimstone preacher to tell right where they brought in Steve Martin's character from the leap of faith yeah his giant lapels yes exactly where he preaches that it will be very hard to have a job

after the rapture mm-hmm and then he goes over the seven seals. Oh, in a fucking 70s power point and it's like 10 fucking minutes. Yep. Just giving us this detailed rundown of the Tribulation Map Slash Timeline. Right, and I wrote in my notes, is there going to be a quiz? It's time to be paying attention. Also, I want to point out, because I think this is racist, the white horse gets a crown, the red horse gets a sword and the black horse gets scales. Yeah, like you just got to figure the black horse, the guy in the black horse came out and got what the fuck guys? I mean, I just like there are, I mean I could get a layoffs or something.

Did you not get a weapon? I'm so sorry. We, uh, we just grabbed these. We were there first, we just show up a little bit or, yeah, and then there's a pale colored horse, which is not a color, but it represents death. So, uh, and then he talks about the earthquake and the blood moon and then the sun turns black and then there will be 30 minutes of silence. He actually says it like that. Like, oh, it's kind of,

silence for about 30 minutes. Yeah, all right, yes, exactly. exactly and I'm like you could have left that part out you know and then I'm gonna take a crap and then I'll then I'll probably play a little you know I'll probably play a little bit of pop a pair while I'm in there you know it's kind of mindless but I like it will be you know it'll be like on everybody loves Raymond of silence that we're so yes so the moon's gonna turn black. It will rain blood. A fiery unicorn will starve and burn the world.

And then there will be silence. I don't think that's- That's because we have something to look forward to. What is- Why are we being told about that? Yeah, but see, that's the fucked up thing is that I'm sure I would be there because I'm not gonna get raptured.

I would be there. And then the other like, I'd would be there and then the other like I'd be like hey guys did you see this and everything 30 minutes Oh, we have to do the whole 30 minutes of my bed. Oh, sorry. Does it reset every time someone talks and Guys the world's gonna end at the end of this just somebody keep talking so and then and then it ends with this message his whole ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, a good character in this movie says those words. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So now we flash back to uh, or we go back to the first flashback in the nested flashback series where she's at grandma's house. And by the way, grandma's kitchen is clearly Jenny's kitchen with a couple of appliances. Oh, who's gonna be more Jenny's kitchen? Yeah. If Jenny had walked in halfway through the shot and been like, what are you doing in my kitchen?

Grandma had been like, the world's gonna end. I'd been like, yeah, I get it, Grandma. You gotta take your medication every day. With Brandy. And then also in this movie's universe, apparently everybody keeps an 8 by 10 headshot of themselves in their kitchen. Yeah. Because when she goes to Jenny's kitchen, she looks at the picture of Jenny, and then grandma's,

yep, here's a picture of grandma. So, and now- Wait, no, I'm confused. Do you not have an eight by ten of your own face in your home? No, where? No, of just you alone in a picture? No. Looking slightly concerned.

Not like of your loved ones that you would look at, like normal pictures. No, just like a picture. It's just a picture of myself I have a case poster of just me on the wall staring blankly out I always thought it was weird for now, but now I know it's for when I get raptured people come in and go Oh, this is where you like In a stab list that So now we get a flashback of granny torturing her when she was a child, except for she's not a child, they made no effort to make her look younger in this or anything.

No, not at all. So she's just like a 22 year old making cookies with, or 26 year old making cookies with her grandma. Right. And there are of course talking about the apocalypse. And grandma, by the way, is chapter and verse ready. Oh yes yes. Grandma is like a fucking autistic like rain man with the Bible. She's like yeah I mean grandma where's that? And she's like I think it's chapter 13 verse 2. Second word on the left hand side. It's like fuck grandma. All right. And then there's more super evil credit card talk. And I'm thinking myself the whole time like this is a very fucked up cookie bacon conversation This is weird cookie talk. This is not

Yeah, now you hand me those sprinkles anyways. He will reach into your eyes and pull out the truth from you Well, there's also this great exchange where um, you know patty says well, but I thought God was love How inconsistent with this and she says well, he is love, buddy, hates sin. Right. And then she says, we deserve judgment and then puts the cookies in the oven like you get it. The cookies are us. We deserve to burn.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Just like these cookies. Grandma, you're going to burn those cookies. Maybe I'm going to torture. Are they going gonna worship me? No, grandmother probably not gonna worship you one and I'm gonna burn the fucking cookies. I'm gonna stop coming over Graham I want you know right now in this moment. I just decided in my heart to stop coming here Shit and then of course we're going back to like god Jesus is so hard to figure out where in this Russian nesting doll of flashbacks

We are, but now she's telling the story of how she fell behind on her mortgage payments after her husband got raptured So she moved into granny's house, which seems weird. I mean, why would you not just move into grannies? You know free and clear house immediately when granny got raptured, but she waited until she was buying on her mortgage payments. I love the idea that like mortgages are still that like some guy was like I'm sorry ma'am just the fact that a third of the world vanished does not mean that you can fall behind on your mortgage payments okay. Yeah you'd think it would be a buyer's market at that point but you know love a bread bag of gold you know and also apparently she's also taking her her neighbor Linda and Linda's little sister Sandy

Yeah, I think I'm getting the names right anyway. Yes, they're gonna move to to Granny's house with them And they're on their way out. They're pulling out of the driveway when Diane and porn stash from the last movie show up Yeah, so this for those who are following along. This is Freddie Mercury and Slutwink, as I call them. Yeah, yeah. And they pull up and they have this weird interaction. Now, this is a theme in the movie as well. So I want to take a moment and talk about it. Throughout this movie, they treat Patty's dream like it matters. Yes, every Patty treats Patty's dream like it matters.

She's like, I dream, you threw me off a damn and they're like, oh, that's a silly dream But then Patty's like, no, you should apologize to me. And it's like no, it's just What your brain made that's not right and for the rest of this movie We're gonna have moments where Patty's like, I don't know are my dreams real the other night I dreamed that an armadillo was inside me. Maybe I'm gonna poop an armadillo No, man. You should dream Yeah, it's so bizarre because she's like telling her friends like oh, yeah No, I haven't talked to you guys in months because I dreamt that you threw me off the damn to which Jerry says

What were you doing at the damn like is that the weird part of this story? Whoa whoa whoa whoa wait no, I'll throw you off some high shit, but you're saying you went to a damn. That's crazy That's authorized personnel only. I don't understand your dream at all There's no way that makes sense. How would you get past security? Exactly so stand near this cliff Yeah, she they insist that they're still good guys and then but patty doesn't believe them exactly because when they ask where she's going she lies to them she doesn't tell them it's great she says she doesn't know and I just want to point out that's a sin going to help oh I should mention that Linda's husband is in the service

that this is the neighbor and hasn't heard from her husband since the rapture but just before they drive off the mail man shows up and they get a letter pulls up and he's forward yeah right They couldn't afford a mail truck. He's 100% not a mail truck. And it's just like, another the raptors here. We're allowed to use our own cars. Here you go. It's like the car that the fucking steering wheel is not even

on the opposite side. Yeah. So you just threw that on our lawn. Yeah, we'll go fuck yourself. So so then they drive off. And the little sister sitting in the back seat. And she you know, of course, Sandy's all excited because she's got the letter from her husband and the little sister sitting in the back seat and she, you know, of course, Sandy's all excited because she's got the letter from her husband and the little

sister's like, are you going to read us the letter? And she's like, now there's probably a lot of fuck stuff in it. Yeah, and they really talk about that. There's really a moment where she's like, well, you're sure you're going to read it to us and it's like, why are we going to, is he going to tell you to put your panties in your mouth? Because I'm into this movie. I want you to know I'm okay with it.

Yeah, yeah exactly. Even if you do it right now on the drive. But before we can get to the reading of the letter, they have to drive over the dam. So Patty decides to stop there and show them like what happened in her nightmare. And I never show my friends what happens in my nightmares. I'm never like, okay, so this is my high school and I'm not wearing any pants and my friends teacher starts to jerk me off But I can't stay hard so that hey man, what are we doing here guys? It's just a four and a half hour drive I'm trying to show you guys what happened in my nightmare Yeah, no, I was expected because they walk right up to the edge of the fucking thing and then she climbs everything

She's like, okay now push me off the damn push me off the damn. I'll show you what happened in the dream anyway So then they get back in the car and then now they're reading the letter and oh shit It looks like Sandy's husband Linda's husband whoever it looks like the fucking military guy found him some Jesus right at the last minute Right she has this moment after she because he's like oh, we went to this prayer meeting and I've been saved and she has this like She has this oh no moment and I was like I feel you Wendy I feel because if I've Anna just texted me and was like I've been saved by Christ I also would be like oh text to me was like I've been saved by Christ. I also would be like, oh no. Oh, it was gonna be such a happy marriage.

This is gonna be no fun. I'm just gonna get my stuff and go. Well, but then the fucked up thing though is in the context of this movie, this just means, oh good, he's in heaven, he doesn't have to go through the rapture and she's terribly upset about this. So apparently she was hoping for a less happy ending for him and now we we move back out of the series of flashbacks or whatever to the present day moment right we're fat Andy Kaufman is gonna explain to everyone

I wrote fat Gallagher but yeah we both we had the we had the same idea This could not be this may be the most listen. I know we say a lot of this might be the most this might be the least attractive person we've seen in a Christian movie so far. I could have done the entire fucking episode. Oh, we have 70 solid minutes on this man's physical appearance. Green jumpsuit does not look good on this gentleman. No, he looks like someone tried to hide a marshmallow inside an army man And as bizarre as his look as the things he's saying are even fucking crazier Yeah, so he basically says you're gonna come with us You're gonna come up to the front you can get your tattoo or we're going to call you in random alphabetical order, then we'll take you outside,

remove your blindfold, will you be asked one more time whether or not you want to change your mind? And if you don't get the tattoo, we're going to kill you. And he's just explaining this in such a calm, like, you know, whatever school assembly type manner. You will be executed today. There will be a pep rally at 235 go bears. You'll learn.

You'll learn. Right, right. You'll learn. It's time for you to get executed. Exactly. So, at any rate, like, okay, to me me doesn't seem like a particularly tough choice Basically fat Stephen right to say and either get murdered or you get this tattoo and everybody in the room's gone Hmm, I don't know get yeah, I would have been like excuse me crush the clown without makeup. I would like to tattoos please

To tattoos one for me and one for one of these stupid motherfuckers And also I love okay, so Patty's sitting here now with, with Linda or Wendy and the preacher from earlier or whatever, and they're all chatting. And he says the whole thing about how, you know, we're gonna blindfold you, we're gonna take you out, then we're gonna unblindfold you, and then we're gonna kill you.

And Linda goes, why would they remove the blindfold? And I'm like, that's the question, that's where you're hung up that's not the why are they gonna kill me over the tattoo thing your conglomerate you're worried about why that's why they take off the blindfold none of this makes sense i mean listen not the arm bands and cutting off people's heads for not joining this tattoo cult i get it on board i'm a hundred percent with it but paying off blindfolds is just weird well and and the whole this whole thing because we're gonna go back to this scene a number of times the rest of the movie is basically gonna

take place in flashbacks from this scene and it's the weirdest fuck it's the most sedate execution that you can imagine because they basically they're just gonna call out names Davis Smith round and these people and these white people by the way still all white people all white these white people all could not more calmly Happily go just like excuse me. I think I'm actually next Yeah, no, it's me next. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. No, no, he said Davis. I thought he said Davies My little don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Go get your head cut off. Yeah, no you first you first let me know how it is It looks fun.

I hear they take your life. And there's no, there's no like armed guards like, like hustling them through or anything. They just call out for names. I was like, oh, my turn to die. And then of course, they're giving, the preacher is giving Patty advice on what to do and they call her name.

And basically the advice is Patty, whatever you do, die. Right. This is not good advice you have to die yeah you have to because they're like if you don't die now there's gonna be a time when you want to die but you aren't going to be able to and I was like what you gonna be is that a thing like you're a mortal in the rapture and so that the fuck is that?

It wasn't exactly consistent from a logical perspective and then of course he says hey patty I've got an idea tell us about more flashback stuff right or like I think the way he comes in is it is something like you know well whatever happened to Diane and Jerry just you know like the most random prompt that you don't know about to get my head cut head but I want to figure out what happened with the with the with Freddie Mercury stash and slot wink here. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't want to like I will not die with this story unfinished exactly It's like Abe Lincoln wonder now the plan then yeah, so

We're sitting around at Diane. So I guess Diane is their their hook up for food ration bars Which is all you can eat, which is weird because they live on a fucking farm, but at any rate. Food doesn't grow after the rapture because that guy on the black course is driving around. Oh right, right, turning the ground to iron such that no vegetables can sprout from it. Yes, I remember that from Deuteronomy. So they're sitting around at Diane's house, I'll just chill in and read the newspaper. And they say, she says,

hey, look at this story. It's about Jewish people profeciing in Jerusalem. And I'm like, wow, that's international news, is it? Yeah, exactly. But then we find out that they're fire breathing Jews. Yes, yes. They're the fire breathing Jews. I wrote in my notes, I'm back on board again.

I want to see 1970s fire breathing Jews and big lapels. And bell bottoms on, I'm back on board again I want to see 1970s fire breathing big lapels and bell bottoms on I'm in it but we don't get to see him in this movie guys we don't get a fire breathing no yeah yeah don't mean to tease you no drag and no fire breathing juice fucking movie sucks yeah and it's the most fucking little anti-semitage she's like according to rabbi June name and that carries on. Rosenberg steal your money. She's on that car deal. I know this wasn't a new car.

Fucking ran it back. It's a little shiny faced fucker. And so Jerry is very clearly not taking this seriously to which somebody says, Jerry, how can you make fun of this? And I thought, I can show you. How can you not make fun of this? Exactly. I do this for a living. Better question. So then we cut to the TV. And the world is at nuclear war. Yes. And we know the world is at nuclear war because we nupt Uganda. Right?

What the Uganda? We were after their strategic tungsten reserves yeah why why these literally that might have improved Uganda see I was just thinking they had a pride parade and so yeah yeah well good we have the one nuke yeah because that's what the guy says is like as you can see from this picture from Uganda of a nuclear explosion Often the distance that looks kind of like the bikini at all, but trust us as you can't uh We're at war and of course like the news guys in some people are pointing out that the Bible said that there would be war and there is war So checkmate so it's pretty much exactly what happened in the Bible

Like you know the Bible described nuclear fission exactly what happened in the bible like you know the bible described nuclear vision yeah specifically the bible said nuclear vision not just like madness haha hot madness fire maybe fire of a kind yeah exactly right right that encompasses only the one thing and I did think this was kind of clever that as we're as we're doing this they're like looking at a chess set, you know, so we're seeing the white horse and the red horse. I mean, those are knights. Yeah, not horses. But saying maybe if God had chosen something different, like a picture of a horse or an actual horse, but we're going to have later on, it's fine. Yeah, I'm letting it go. But it is interesting to know if you find yourself post rapture to know that those horses just get to move two up and one over. Yeah, exactly. So if

you're next to a horse where you just stand right, don't stand in it L to him, but if you stand right next to him or direct diagonal, you'll be fine. Yeah, exactly. So then we cut to the bad preacher from the first movie who is also the producer of this movie rust dot and i believe is his name and his he's preaching to a pretty much empty church about the rapture and i at this point i wrote my notes like eighty percent of this movie so far has been quotes from revelations yep that's pretty much all the dialogue yep also want to point out that the preacher's wearing a pee we herman suit which is of course distracting. He also points out that a loaf of bread can now buy a day's wages. Yeah. Which is not a bag of gold. No, no, and it's not a yeah, right, right, exactly. I'm just,

I'm just going back. I'm still stuck in my head. I just want to, I just want to know. Okay. Yeah, so then we get this conversation with Patty chatting with the preacher after this, basically saying saying hey, you know Why didn't you tell me about all of this shit with the craziness and the rape demons and stuff and he's going out your fault Yeah, did you did you this is like the very like wink at the audience like did you not have a Bible? Right, were you not able to find out for yourself that a unicorn was gonna Shit across the sky fire. You didn't need me to say that. You've got this perfectly clear 875,000 page book that's mostly genealogies to tell you.

Exactly. Exactly. What did the talking donkey not make this clear? I understand. What about the talking snake through you off in the fact that this is a book of true facts? What about the talking snake through you off in the fact that this is a book of true facts? And then of course patty goes she actually utters the line well I'd rather have been scared into heaven Which is apparently what these people have to tell themselves to show children this fucking movie I'd rather be scared into heaven the Christian story You know right yeah exactly so yeah, I mean the very clear message of this scene is if your preacher isn't talking about Satan and rape demons, you need to find one who is.

Find a different church and stand up and scream at your preacher and be like, no, you forgot the part where the demons are going to be like, it's Easter, doesn't matter. Demons. Talk more about the demons! Or I'm gonna find someone who will. You should request revelations like free birded church. Talk about the unicorns. I love the new shit.

And then we cut to the stables, I guess Granny kept some horses. And now Linda and Sandy and Patty are all gonna go on a horse back ride so that we can get more horse symbolism. Right, well she has this moment where she's like don't trust that horse. That horse looks at you sweet and I was like oh that horse is gonna kill you. Yes it's the evil murder horse. She's like don't ride that one, he's an evil murder horse. Why would you keep an evil murder horse? And she's being hypnotized by it's like a Dracula scene like

Just like I wanted the horse to sweep a cape in front of its eyes So they're eating their power bars on their picnic and talking about what they want to eat But well, they don't reveal that right away because at first It's just a girl going like oh i want some corn on the cob and she doesn't say what she's gonna do with it so i'm using my imagination yeah exactly well my favorite part of that talk is she goes you know what i want

the girls are like when you want she goes a nice big red water melon and i was like oh i was so sure I would if someone had paused the movie and been like Eli for a million dollars is she going to say cock I'd be like oh yeah 100% cock final answer final answer we just got you don't say watermelon after you say big red you say yeah she said juicy in there too yeah juicy right big red juicy dick yeah exactly so and I thought to myself oh come on patty she's too young to get more than a corned cob in there so it's kind of ribbed too she can't do water balance yet she is you gotta sit down hard you gotta commit and then this is so okay so then a dog barks at them and they watch him for a really long time

I'm like are we supposed is this scary are they are they afraid of dogs so I wrote my notes. What is it boy to Timmy get raptured? Yeah Right and then out of nowhere Jewish Charles Manson shows up In the scene to save Linda I guess yeah I don't know I bet he I bet he had something big red and juicy for her though yeah right and he looks I he looks super hip-suit so I wrote in my notes hipster Jesus died before it was cool yeah yeah and then he quotes John 316 for the 33rd fucking time in this movie right and then she drops down on her knees and she's not gonna blow him guys I know you were hoping it to I was like no

She just prays and I mean the acting suggests porn the first half of each sentence Suggest porn, but no, no, there's nobody blowing anybody. I'm hippie Jesus helps, but now hippie Jesus very clearly does not help out the other two does not save them and no, you know, Import that's gonna matter later on. Yeah, no, it's yeah So then they're walking around and this guy wanders into their house who looks exactly like Bert young Paulie from Rocky see I, I said Tom Waitz. I had Tom Waitz on my back. Yeah, old old old Tom Waitz. Yeah, I got more of like a, you fuck my sister.

But anyways, he comes in and he's like, I don't have anything to eat. And he's like, and they're like, yeah, man, we don't have anything to eat. But then Linda slash Wendy, maybe she's going to share her food because she's a Christian now. Yeah she's like well like meet me later in the park so there's just the one park in the country now. Yeah exactly so now we we flash forward to her meeting him in the park and talk in Jesus with him. I wrote in my notes oh great the one benefit of the rapture which would be not having to talk to people like you anymore, and I don't get it. Exactly. Well, and he even says like when she starts talking about how much she loves Jesus, he's going like, I wouldn't go babbling that around here if I were you. And that's good advice regardless of whether or not the rapture happens.

Yeah, just generally shut up. Exactly. Exactly. Shut up about Jesus. Pooring. They also have the great, and I've heard this Christian exchange a number of times before, where the guy says, well, but I believe in God and she says, well, so does the devil, to which he doesn't say, well, you know, I also don't torture people for a living. Oh, well, that's where you and God are different. Right. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, you met the devil. You met the devil. See, I thought, because you know, the devil only tortures people who have died, but God tortures people who are alive and dead. And then he kills them and sends them to this devil. And bad people. And since he created the devil, he's kind of like a terrible version of both. I'm sorry, am I trying to convert you? I'm not doing great. Well, I can feel I'm not doing great. I couldn't tell if she was trying to convert him or fucking by the way she was talking to the dude and then we

We cut to more theological bullshit Because this movie like basically this entire movie is trying to answer this question is like why would you worship a god who would do? The kind of fucked up shit. You're saying God is gonna do and their answer again is pop rocks So you've got the three girls now doing a puzzle in a thunderstorm and uh... you know talking about how the sexual position guys just that just actually do it in a thunderstorm i wish they were doing this a listen to you know that puzzle in a thunderstorm is hard you got to get four people one of them got to be a little person and one of them got to be flexible now

that the little person's flexible you only need three people but if it's four people wait and it's five how many holes does the female body? I was just two three four six it could it just be three? Not well. It just three? It depends on which size holes you're you're talking about. If you like it's chill three i do it depends on which size holds your your talking about you like it's chill three anyways is that any their here nor there to our new podcast how to properly do a puzzle in a thunderstorm um i would much prefer the movies we'd have to review for that one i would rather do a puzzle in a thunderstorm than watch the next video

my wife's pretty little. So, and so they're having this discussion about hippie Jesus and why, you know, Patty didn't get saved and stuff. And I loved this exchange here in particular, because, you know, Linda says like, well, Patty, it looks, it sounds to me like you're looking for reasons to not believe in God. To which Patty says, you you know Babies die of cancer

To which Linda should have said oh looks like you found one who well done wow You know what you are right. I wrote my notes. You know patty. You're kind of being a bitch Problem of evil patty shut your horror mouth. Yeah pop rocks pop rocks damn it and then. And then we get the closest to an apologetic, we'll get in this movie, which is that dead babies are like pieces of a puzzle. Right, right, she says like, well, you can't see the whole picture because you can just see this one piece.

And so unless you see the whole picture, you wouldn't understand, I'm like, but just, if part of it is baby cancer, it's a bad puzzle. Right, yeah, if I had a beautiful puzzle with waterfalls and dogs running on rocks and one piece of that puzzle was a dead baby, I'd be like, that's not a very good puzzle. Right. Can I get a puzzle without the dead baby? Yeah, the bigger picture has baby cancer and it really doesn't matter what it's a picture of. Right. It would be better without the dead baby. The bigger picture has baby cancer and it really doesn't matter what it's a picture of.

It would be better without the baby cancer. Let's look at the waterfall though. Doesn't matter. There's one piece of this puzzle that has a dead baby on it. Oh, and then of course, the barn is on fire, I guess it got. Yeah, it rained so hard, the barn's on fire. Right, right, exactly. Which by the way, there's's no food but there is a

fully operational fire service with a like eight-second response time like by the time they're able to run out of their house and realize the barn is on fire the fire department is already there right this was very clearly they were just like all right so we need a big set piece for this movie and one guy was like I got a barn you can burn down fire department show up eventually great let's do it and of course you know everybody's safe and everything except you know three of the horses that got burned to death inside when God had his little temper tantrum but evil murder horse escaped right and has another I fuck moment with Linda where she's like evil horse and evil

horse is like girl what's going on? Just go back from the gym. Use pre workout it's really important to use pre workout. Alright by devil horse, go to use pre workout. Yep so the barn is gone and evil murder horses on the loose and that can only mean that shit's about to hit the fan but before it does we need to take a quick break for the sake of our collective sanity so let me give act 3 the hard sell here. Will the antichrist's evil plans come to fruition? Will we get some hot patty on Linda lesbian action? Will this movie also fuck us with the bullshit it was all a dream cop out? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the demented conclusion of a distant thunder

All right next up on the execution list Bosnick Eli Bos bot come on man. I know it's you Me no, no, no, no, no, you haven't you haven't called my name yet. Oh, oh really Yeah, yeah, I'm just waiting till you call my name Just like everybody else is waiting for my name to be called okay, well, you don't have a tattoo. So what's your name? My name is That's not a name. That's just a Z noise It's okay. Well first of all I don't appreciate your tone tone. The Z, came over on the Mayflower for your...

Okay, fine. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I'm sorry. Yeah tattoo. Wait, really? Then why didn't you just come up at the beginning? Oh, honestly, wasn't paying super close attention. I'll be getting a solid HJ from Wendy for the last 20 minutes. Oh, okay. So, hey, put Wendy at the end of the Yes, Wendy's is And we're back when we last saw our heroes. The pale horse was a ride and since they can't afford to show us much in the way of chaos We just get radio reports of chaos and as patty is happy to narrate

Death was everywhere right as opposed to before the rapture when death was also everywhere Well, right. I mean she's like well the radio and TV we're constantly reporting death and I'm like that's yeah Yeah, the news was there more death or was it just the same amount of death? Yeah, you think it would be less since you know a third of the people already got bamboozled to heaven or whatever right Yeah, exactly. I also love that she's like it amongst amongst the people who died apparently Linda's dad melted out on the street And she got a letter about or something exact which is which is a bummer. They're killing Israeli missionaries. And then they say, they say, oh, we've got food bars coming from Diane. We've got to be really friendly with Diane.

And I just wrote, I'm listening. How friendly. Talk to me about this. I'm with it. Yeah, but apparently they don't have enough gas to get all the way to Diane's place for their food rations so dianne agreed to meet a half way which don't don't is the damn where she dreamed that she got killed in the first movie

so she goes there and again you have to live in a world where this i mean i guess if she has prophetic dreams i can understand why she thought this way, but she was also hearing about the rapture all the time from all of her members of her family and various preachers and her friend and her friends' husband. So it's not insane that you would have dreamt about the rapture.

Well, and not only that, but like keep in mind that the dream that she was having about the rapture, like when she wakes up for, there's a radio playing talking about the rapture. So if the radio was playing while you were still asleep, of course you would be dreaming about the rapture as you're waking up. Yeah, so she gets to the dam She sees them there waiting for her with her free food bars Mm-hmm, and then she runs away right and chase her well first we have to have a flashback to the other movie so that they didn't have to film

Right and flashback to before she lost all that weight right. And flashback to before she lost all that weight. Yeah, exactly. And then, and then, yeah, she turns around and they give chase. And this is clearly an example of a car chase where they cannot afford to ding either of the cars. Oh, yeah. So basically, it's like, I wrote in my notes, man, this chase scene is so intense, they're

almost speeding. Yeah, these cars are going full on 40 miles an hour, guys. Yeah, well, they didn't want to tell you they're going a little slower, but yeah, exactly, exactly. So then she gets out of her car and she runs and Jerry runs after her and Jerry still hasn't learned to wear full pants, apparently. But eventually he catches up with her

and he is understandably perturbed. Yeah, he's like, what is going on? And she's like, let me see your hand. He's like, what, nothing. And she's like let me say your hand. He's like what nothing and she's like oh My bad my bad. Sorry Do you remember that dream I had a few months ago and they're like yeah? We remember the first time you told about it. It was dumb then It's even dumb or now that I brought you a bunch of free food and then just wasted a shit ton of our

Admittedly rare gasoline chasing after your psychotic ass so that you don't starve to death And then Diane comes in and she's like she has every right to think that dreams are real Yeah, yeah, exactly. They're being awfully forgiving here way more so than I would have been I mean it would basically like if you told me like you know like a Eli Why weren't you there for the record on GameCast you're like oh? I dreamed you told me like you know like a Eli why weren't you there for the record on gamcast You're like oh I dreamed you killed me like that's really fucking weird. Oh no. I dreamed you had a baby's face Okay, well, I don't know but I dreamed it And then Lucinda just got on the line. He was like you got to be okay with it. No, I yeah

Exactly that you lot dreamed you had at you had a baby space. You had a baby space and so. And it's like do you want to, okay, videos on, you can see my face now. Well, it's just a normal face now, but how do I know it's not gonna turn into a baby space later? This is exactly what happened. It was a normal face and then it turned into a baby space.

Yeah, exactly. And you were sitting in a circle. A little, a couple of jars of gurbers around you in a circle you can resist eating the twenty five minutes uh... i'm i'm pretty high

that's a fair yeah there's no way there's no way man that was like like staple diet in uh... in college so mashed apricots man so then we go back out of the flashback to fat anti-coffman reading out names of people who have to go get murdered Mm-hmm, and then a lady comes in she's like oh, it's so terrible She comes in and takes the the tattoo. Yeah, yeah, and I wrote my notes. How are they killing people via Wolverine? Like what did you go out there and see that was so bad that it changed your mind knowing that you were going out there to get killed

Yeah, it's like oh knowing that you're going out there to die unless they were like we got this bag full of wet hammers And we're just gonna swing you against the wall and it I'd be like all right well That's unpleasant, but not mind-changing. Yeah, exactly So you know, maybe if there were like smear and you and honey and put you on an ant hill or something i would be i don't know but in any right and and i find it really funny that like when the woman comes in screaming everybody's like all that dumb bitch stupid stupid sad crying vulnerable bitch and she interrupted your story how rude

yeah anyways what happened to the priest guy yeah what happened to a different now that lady who just changed her religion out of fear And I love that like that's the question that he prompts the next flashback Whatever happened to Reverend Turner like that minor half-ass character that you barely mentioned in your series of flashbacks Okay, sure why not so we cut to Reverend Turner and he's a Trump 2016 supporter why not so we cut to Reverend Turner and he's a Trump 2016 supporter haha all alone in a church just like I tried to tell you America's good we're gonna make America great again it's like all right well they've which by the way is boarded up he's a little in a boarded up church yeah they don't reveal

that right away at first you just see him preaching and then it backs away the whole church is empty the lights are off there's it's boarded up There's a keep-out sign on it. So yeah, you lost his fucking mind and and patty I guess went to visit the church and found him in there all crazy and and and talking to himself so she goes to leave and This is when I guess the The Sun is supposed to stop existing and turn the sun went out. Yeah, exactly, but they couldn't afford a clip footage, I guess, so we're just looking at a regular sun. We're just looking at a sun and she's like,

ah, and we're like, oh, I'm not supposed to be something other than our sun. I guess, yeah, she's... She can see right now. Yeah, exactly. Not with miracle of phautomol over again or something, but so she's running away and then like... I'm pretty sure this was wet.

No, no, I'm sure. So she runs up to a house now because the sun went out and she's got to get indoors and she knocks on the door and nobody answers so she breaks the window. Yeah, she knocked an entire one time, guys. What else was she supposed to do? Not break a window to the place that she currently lives? Well well that's what I do when it gets cloudy if I'm out

walking and it gets cloudy I break the nearest window and right and run to my home to my home I smashed the window to my own home but this is this is where you can tell they really had a budget and this one compared to the last one because they actually get like a full blown earthquake set going here. Uh-huh. Which is way more than I was expecting out of this movie. But of course that does point out like, okay, so there was an earthquake so she ran inside. Right.

That's not smart. That's not what you do. Also, it's an earthquake. You've never heard of earthquakes. Right. She reacts to this earthquake like she's never even remotely. If you had never known earthquakes exist and you reacted this way I'd be like okay yeah I understand but like I would have been like oh an earthquake yeah so

well if she screams loud enough the earth will stop shaking I guess she can appease it and so yeah and again this scene doesn't exist for any reason or anything it's just they have the money for the earthquake set so they use that i reckon because then we just immediately cut to one night about a month later uh according to our uh narration where apparently they're still doing the same 250 piece puzzle these are not smart women no okay apparently i understand again for the 48th time the brown side does not go up Where's the brown the brown is all on the back? Okay, so how do I know where it fits you do it on the front on the side with the colors my piece has a dead baby on it

Well, then it's not a good puzzle So they go to the park where they meet Tom Wades again. And then so they're at the picnic table and Sandy hears a meow. This is my, this is my favorite part of this. Oh my God. This is so fun. It amazing. She says, Oh, it's a little kitty.

Let me go find the kitty. And she walks into the woods. And apparently this was all a setup. We see that Tom Wades has the mark of the beast on his hand and there were UN guys in the bushes. Make out noises to lure her. Where's that planning meeting? I would take anything for just a reverse shot.

I would pay all the money in the world for just reverse shot of three full grown men one in the middle going Perl it'll perl it'll so they run you know the UN guys pop out and both from the same direction, which is kind of stupid and as they're running away We get the worst stunt in the history of stunts where I guess Linda is supposed like her leg is supposed to get caught as she's running Oh in the across the bridge and she just sits down. Yeah, exactly. She just really like pushes her leg through the thing and then sits down So as not to hurt herself and and they cut from because Tom weights has ratted on them. Yeah. And then we cut to the hospital scene. Now we saw this in the preview and it makes no more sense now. Yeah. But basically there's that there's a lady who's like the receptionist at the hospital and another woman standing there with a baby that's crying and she's going, please, my baby hasn't eaten in two days.

Right. And we're about to come up to, again, Christian movie bingo. Because again, there's fun, wacky, bad ideas throughout these movies. We're about to come to the strange, surprising, morally reprehensible thinking part of this movie. Right. Right.

Because the lady is clearly saying to her like oh, sorry You don't have your tattoo. We can't do anything for your baby Right, so she says my baby is sick and she says well if you get your mark We'll take care of your baby for free right will give your baby health care Now listen, I don't have kids I don't have kids But I would get the mark on my dickhole if my fiance was sick There's no amount of thing you could do to me that if my fiance was desperately sick and you're supposed to love your babies more Well, look at I would do that for her baby. I mean, I would get the tattoo on my dick

So yeah, give me three get some food. Yeah, I'd show up with one wrist behind my back me like him And I haven't gotten my tattoo yet here. Give me mine now. Give my baby health care right Right, right and then she'd be like thanks. I'd be like double tattoos bitch. I'd be tattoo man by the end You could fucking scan me for coupons Well, but yes, but the but the message that this movie is sending is that the right thing for this mom to do is to take her Particularly chunky baby for not having eaten in two days. Yeah, they needed a thinner baby Yeah, I don't know how that casting worked But that baby is when they showed it on the way out. I was like that baby has not eaten in two seconds

Yeah, right exactly So uh, baby is eating now has a synabut in his hand right so what we're watching basically as a mother kill her child rather than get a social security card and this movie is in dorsing that right there's nothing i could believe in strongly enough that i would let my child or my loved ones die for it and and not only that but there's nothing that you should believe in that much. Especially, there's nothing I could do to me. There's no thing that even if the thing was,

if it was just a social security card and they were like, cut your hand off for free health care for your baby. I'd be like, cool, go with the right one. I don't need to do this stranger anymore. Go to the left, he can follow me through. Bam! Yeah, exactly Exactly, and then again again, we have to accept the precept of this movie is that God made sure that all of this was going to happen So you know what if if if I show up at the fucking pearly gates and he's like well You did get that tattoo rather than let your baby die I'd be like I would rather go to hell for eternity you piece of shit right who doesn't shouldn't the person who lets their baby die go to hell? No, it's not how it works. I don't like people with tattoos.

Okay, cool. It does say that as much as it says that you can't have gay sex anyway. So now they've taken Lyndon and Sandy who apparently got beat up in that bad stunt to the hospital to get them treated before they take them to get executed, I guess. Right. We're going to give you free metal cocair because we're about to murder you. Yeah, exactly. We know what you're going to death all scratched up. With all these fake-y-looking bruises and stuff. Right.

And by the way, did all women's waistlines go up to the clavicle back then is or is that just these two girls oh yeah no these women look like they're hiding inside a pair of like their midgets hiding and pants like the little rascals one of the new stand-up and the one shoulders in any moment. I'm a big lady and I'm here to get my tattoo and so you know like usually when you have an enemy of the state that is wounded and a prisoner, you know, you tend to leave them in a place with a open phone line unsupervised for long periods of time, which is exactly what they do. And an unlocked door. Yeah, right, right, exactly. So she call, yeah, not handcuffed or anything.

So she calls Patty to warn her apparently that the old Tom Waitsky has betrayed them. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So then the UN is going to get Patty. They have a new van. Yes, I wrote in my notes, oh, they got a second truck, that's nice. Yeah, exactly, it's got sirens in everything. And by the way, when you're going to surprise arrest,

somebody, if you don't run your sirens, that's pretty 101 right there. Nature's pretty 101 right there nature of surprise Very nature of surprise exactly So then we get another chase scene again We saw this in the let this is exactly what happened in the last movie She had to run from the fucking UN guys We're going to get essentially the same long stupid chase scene again in this not it's not as long no and there's no helicopter so right exactly and she's also being chased by the metal gear solid guards

because wherever she got wherever she last makes a noise these guards turn around and go what was that the exact place where that pebble fell yeah so she she tricks one of them with a fake splash push him in the water trick. Apparently, these are like the keystone anti-Christ minions. But she doesn't know how the gun works. She can't figure out a pole thing. She can't get the safety off, and I wrote my notes. She would totally murder this guy, but she just can't figure out how to make her gun work.

Apparently, and this is how stupid she is as the guys try to get away He's like swimming away from her as she like trades the gun on him. She yells. How does this damn thing work? And then he's like oh well, I let me swim back to you then now that you've been Swim back to you and beat you up because That you don't know how that gun works. She's like oh fuck god damn it. Whoops. She's not the person. I'll ask the other guy Yeah, exactly although I do admit do after admit if she had figured out the safety and gone on a Rambo S She's like oh fuck god damn it. Whoops shit that wasn't the person. I'll ask the other guy. Yeah exactly Although I do admit do after admit if she had figured out the safety and gone on a Rambo S killing spree I would have been much more on board with this movie that would have been pretty awesome like I would not have been expecting that

Yeah, but no she's only got one play and that play is to steal other people's vans which again She steals the fucking you and van but now as she's leaving She accidentally backs into the lightning sand from the fire swamper something because I guess spinning tires or which again she steals the fucking UN van but now as she's leaving she accidentally backs into the lightning sand from the fire swamper something because I guess spinning tires are suspenseful so they run to her and she gets out just in time and just like in the last movie she says to herself hey you know what I should do is I should um call Diane. She called Diane this character who upon seeing her friend with a basket of free food, ran away and had to be forcibly chased down and tackled, is now like, I better call that person who

I now totally trust. Well, and again, because like, just in my, exactly like in my dream, I had to steal a UN truck to drive away. Now I'm in exactly that position, so let me do exactly the thing that I did in a God to anyway. Yeah, yeah, makes god anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it makes perfect sense So yeah, also she dials her on a rotary phone and I just had this moment of being like God That's how long it took to dial phones. Mm-hmm

Not worth it. I never would have called anybody. It makes you wonder because they still had rotary phones when they decided to go with 9-1-1 And I'm just like why not 1-1-1? That 9 takes a long fucking time on a rotary phone. A lot of people died for that. That's an us joke. Someone like us was on the other end of that. And they were like, what number do you guys think of? 999. Right.

Fine, guys. Fuck you. 911. All right, fine. You guys are just. What was it called for? 10. 911.

It's got a nice little thing to it. So she goes to Diane's house. Now, there are two UN guards apparently standing outside Diane's house on either side of the garage, which would be an indication to me, not the place to go. Well, right. Fucking duh. But for some reason, number one, there's no goddamn reason why they would be there in the first place. If they were trying to arrest Patty, wouldn't they hide? But number two, if they are their wild old fuck would

you stop the car and get out but she does right so yeah and any rate so she gets out and little looks like trusting him was a bad idea after all so now I guess this is how she got caught this is the you know we've now caught up with the flashbacks and everything so we go back to you know, Faddy and D. Kaufman reading everybody's names out to to kill them and now they get to the preacher that she's been talking to the whole time and the little sister, both of whom Wanderoff and Patty, I love this moment. Okay, so they call Sandy and the preacher back to get killed and Linda, who is Sandy's older sister, is sitting there and Patty says, don't worry, Linda, I'll be all right I'm like do you really think she was worried about you right then her little sister has just been drug off to die

And you're telling her no I think I'm okay with this I'm thinking a case you were wondering I'm fine Yeah, I'm totally fine Your sister she's she's gonna get killed but me get's gonna get her head cut off me i'm okay with it they get dragged outside and somehow in the process of being dragged out to the back of the building they have changed into togas yeah they don't mention the part where they uh... also strip them down and put them in pillowcase outfits i guess uh... fat gallery was probably supposed to tell them that but he did it's almost like a continuous shot so we're supposed to believe they went through some kind of weird like machine that tore the clothes up and dropped

a toga on top of them. Yes. So yes, so now they call the last group and apparently they were the, you know, they're the Zimmermans of this group or whatever because they were all the way in the back. They were the last people to get called. So they bring them out. They're in their pillowcase outfits and we finally get to see how they're executing people and no by the way it's not a Wolverine. It's a guillotine! A fucking guillotine!

A set up in the street with a laundry basket there to catch that! A silver, a spray painted silver laundry basket but very clearly a laundry basket also G-team very clearly I mean maybe this is just me because I know what they look like very clearly a magician's prop oh right right yes very clearly like a magician's G-team I was like oh I know that that's a that's a boost in her staying I think I have one of those in my storage unit I now and now we get to sort of like the surprise ending of the whole movie, which really again was fucking ruined for me by the preview since they actually showed the reveal in the preview. Right.

So it turns out that Sandy, the little sister, was an evil bitch the whole time. Oh, she didn't want to die for Jesus. She wanted to live with a small tattoo on her wrist. What a fucking horror. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So she shows up to tell them at the last minute. No, see, I got the tattoo. I'm the one who got you guys captured or whatever.

So yeah, okay. And also Diane and Jerry, porn stash and slut wink, show up to be old bitchy to patty about I told you if you didn't get your Fuckin tattoo then we're gonna chop you head off of guilty and I hear you are guilty and you get your fucking head chopped off and And then They chop her fucking head off and then they chop off then they chop off Linda's head Yes, so Linda goes up to the to the guillotine and she's praying the whole time and she puts her fucking head down on the chopping block

And then we cut to to patty and and we get to watch patty watch Linda get her Her fucking head chopped off and that's how the movie ends. Yes, so they cut her head off It was so they just and that's it and then the movie ends And that's it and then the movie ends. It's movie ends Bible quote fuck yourself. Yeah, no, I gotta be honest, like the whole time, I'm thinking to myself either that they were gonna go with it was holding a dream cup out again,

or that like, you know, they were gonna get through the back of it and there was something, which is gonna be some reveal was like, oh, well, you proved that you were willing to die for Jesus. So now you get to join the resistance or something. Nope. I honestly did not think for a fucking second That that was actually how the movie that they were gonna actually end the movie with no they just want to add and kill their well

Which makes you wonder what's the third what's this next movie gonna be about? Well now I think it's worth noting that we don't see patty get killed So you know Linda gets killed and then Jerry's like holding her face making her look the whole time and there's a scream Maybe Patty's gonna get that tattoo on that's what I'm thinking. I don't know. I don't know We're gonna find out she's clearly in the next movie however. Oh, well, we'll get to it in the preview We don't see her doing much now. I want to say like this okay, so we came out of the last movie You know with that whole gee what was so scary about this movie that had people so fucking scared and freaked out? Oh, this one, like all of a sudden it all

makes fucking sense. Oh, it's totally, again, it's the crazy friend. It's the like, oh, I get it. Right. That dude just put a nail gun through his thigh because his girlfriend didn't respond to his text message. Now I understand why he told him crazy. Crazy. I get it. That's totally what it also I want to point out that we watched this movie early We had a conversation after the last movie where we were like hey these movies are fucking boring We're not gonna have anything to talk about we should watch this next movie early to make sure we have something to talk about Luckily this movie next level crazy planning to talk about

Like this okay if everything about Christianity was good except for this movie next level crazy planning to talk about. Oh, like this, okay, if everything about Christianity was good except for this movie, Christianity as a whole would be bad. Yeah, exactly. This is a dead baby puzzle piece. This is a dead baby puzzle piece. No, I mean, if I had to describe this movie in two words, those two words would be child and abuse.

I mean, like the fact that I wanna emphasize that this movie was not released in theaters, it was shown to children in churches. That was the way this movie was distributed. They knew that's how this movie was gonna be distributed when they fucking made it. That's what they were going for. This movie is psychological fucking torture to children to like play this movie for them

and say, no, that's going to happen one of these days. If you're not Jesus, you're not they're going to chop your fucking head off. We've landed in the goddamn laundry basket and make your friends watch. Like, what the fuck is wrong with these people? See, now this actually is the one good thing because I was having a conversation with a friend this week about this show, and one of the things that he pointed out to me that actually made me feel really good about what we do on this show,

is that when you Google a thief in the night, awful, we are the first result. Awesome. Which means that the thing that makes me feel great about this show is that some, they're still showing these movies. I didn't realize they were still showing them I was like hey alright they showed them the old generation where they know they still show

them yeah people I had I got a Twitter message from someone being like oh yeah no they showed this my daughters like church group and when I was still a Christian I just like take her out because I had seen the movie I knew how much it freaked me out and so like what I like about this is that right now we are creating a media so that some kid who gets shown this movie can Google this and find this. So kid if you're listening to this that movie's fucking bullshit. Yeah right. It's not you. It's not you. Because I remember doing that as a kid. I would go home and listen I grew up Jewish so you know we would hear crazy shit

but it was always like, hey each a chicken. It was never like, ah, in a gin and rabbi slow-dums coming for you. Never. It was never a moment. It was never a promise of future bad to be done based on the pizza nights at the Habad House. It wasn't happening. It was just like each of you here, Google and we'll make you a cake for your birthday. But I would go home and I would Google and I would be like, why did God kill everyone in the flood? And then I would see it and I would read it and I would read the answers, put up bicecularists and feel better, even as like a little little kid.

So I'm telling you, if you saw this movie, it's crazy. It doesn't have any reflection on reality. They make better movies. All the movies you could ever see are better than this one. Even lock in. Yeah, I mean I felt bad when I got to the end of this movie because at the end of last week's show we did a whole kind of thing about how oh maybe this was just like evangelical fantasia. Right more or less after I watch this and we got some emails from and messages from people saying hey, man I understand looking at it from your perspective now how you can think that but keep in mind we were kids who thought this was true

And even just thinking about that reflecting back on the first movie. I'm like yeah, okay, I can see that But after watching this movie. I'm like oh I get it Okay, I can see that. But after watching this movie, I'm like, oh, I get it. Like, there's no fucking question why that like you are still psychologically scarred from this fucking movie. I mean, I literally would look at like,

showing this movie to a child as a form of child abuse. Oh, unquestioningly, unquestioningly. There's no scene in Fantasia where that demon flies off the church and rapes somebody. Even did, I'd be like, be like whoa fuck I was right about Fantasia Well, but even if it did unless the movie ended with a fucking reminder that no this really happens y'all giant demons come from the mountains and then Rape

Well, that leads me to my next question because of course limitations and drilling technology Proveness from giving this movie a thumb as far down as it deserves. So in lieu of a thumb orientation based rating, I ask you this Eli, what is the most psychologically damaging thing that you could show to a child that would still be less psychologically damaging than this movie? Okay, so I would find a soldier's kid, but one that had died. And so we would do one of those soldier come home videos, but when he opens the gift box, the dead soldier's inside. And then we just leave it, and then we

turn the lights off and then Janazion, and everyone leaves. And it's still better than this movie is still better. I'm gonna be careful the way I word these questions. I thought I would do a Veterans Day themed one because it's a recent one. Yeah, right. I thought I would support our troops. Joke just for you guys. Well done sir. Well I guess that's going to do it for our review of a distant thunder but we can't check

out quite yet because there's still more of this shit to come. So Eli tell us what's on deck. Image of the beast. Yes because there's four of these goddamn things and unfortunately like the other ones there really wasn't much in the way of our preview for this one. I found a 30 second teaser on YouTube that basically says hey, we got no one he's fucking movies And that's about all we had to work with this this teaser is basically Daniel Dennett dressed up like a farmer Like and here's Jesus. This is the new Antichrist and we're finally gonna get rid of God

And I'm like cool this movie sounds nice. Yeah awesome awesome Yeah, Hillbilly Antichrist is my kind of guy and by the way of this 30 second preview Half of it is the world's slowest nuclear explosion. Yeah, no fully 12 seconds of the 30 so 3 second shy of half of it Yes, I timed that it's just like For 12 solid seconds. I mean, they're done talking and everything and it still goes on for 10 seconds or so. I mean, I think if I'm not mistaken, the only scenes that we actually see on this movie is a Jeep drives into the water. We see patty, like, it looks like she's about to

get guillotine because we're like, and we're up above like from a guillotine. A car perspective. A car goes through a house. Uh-huh. Yeah, there's that. And then there's hill's hillbilly antichrist and then there's a crowd of people on a nuclear explosion that's pretty much all yeah golden throne oh right right yes obviously it can't lead to eat Obama in the next one yeah exactly so with that to look forward to we'll bring episode 13 to a merciful close once again a huge thanks to all the patreon donors that help make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful, and there might earn early access to every episode.

You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars and was used with permission.

If you like what you hear here more by following the link on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neelye Bosnick, I'm No Illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week and tell them we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck off. to work hard to earn another chunk next week and tell them we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself.

Fuck off.