God Awful Movies - 130: The Knight of Daye

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

--- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful --- To hear more from Keisha, check out her website: http://www.keishazollar.com/ Or, check our her podcast, Applying it Liberally: http://applyingitliberally.libsyn.com/website --- Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And then Dave looks okay, and this is the most fucked up thing. They're like watching the news and it's just like, oh, there was a murderer. There's a murderer around and Dave looks out the window at the black guy. There's a murder, huh? Well, I did see an African American earlier. The moment a murder gets mentioned, he basically turns. If the black guy were in the room and he's like, what? And he's just like, no, no, no, just seeing how you react to the word murder. What's going on? Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be But sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm pretty fantastic Noah. Yeah, you know, after last week's movie, we needed this week's movie.

But before we get to that, I have to introduce this week's special guest massacres who's along for the ride. So sitting a different 81 miles to my right is the always hilarious Keisha Zoller Keisha. Welcome back. Hey, very happy to be here. That sounded so sincere, even though we know that you had to watch this movie. So it's complete bullshit. So it's been a while. I'm you tortured me. Yeah. Yeah. I could not at this point get a job as well. Keep a job as the president, staff secretary. Um, assuming you have photographic evidence that you watched this movie. So it's been a while since we've talked to you. What have you been up to in the interim?

Well, I'm a staff writer at the opposition with Jordan Kleparang Comedy Central 1130 Monday through Thursday. Was that a plug? Absolutely. Goddamn right. That was. Monday through Thursday was that a plug absolutely goddamn right. So I do jokes and stand up and I have been doing shows around the city and live in my best life if I can. Awesome. Awesome. Well, glad to hear it. Glad to hear that other than watching this movie, things have been

going well for you. It makes me feel a little less guilty. Yeah, this was the low. All right. Yeah. And Donald Trump is president. This was the low, guys. This is that's how bad this fight. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, though. That's Eli's question to answer. But first, tell us, Kisha, what are we going to be breaking down today?

Well, this movie, we are going to be breaking down the fact that white people have angels and black people upon first sight might be evil. Then it turns out they might be a hero, but don't worry the majority of them are evil. This movie had the most ridiculous like side racism of any of the movies we've ever watched. Right. Like I had no idea what we were getting into with this one, but the every black character that shows up, they're like,

what the fuck's up with that guy? Why is he in this neighborhood? Huh? What the hell's going on with that? Yeah. It wasn't me yelling micro aggression at the screen. it was just aggression. A aggression. And I'm like, a Christian. And tell me Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love the Blair Witch project, but the excellent camera work was off putting, you love this movie. It is 50% corporate training video, 50% satanic called horror movie, but exactly 50, 50, 50, 50. All right, so I have to make it super clear what exactly kind of movie we're dealing with

here. This movie was called The Night of Day, but that's night like, Con night and day like D.A.Y. E because it's a surname. They were super proud of themselves over that title. This is a direct to YouTube release with 198 views, including hours. And two thumbs up one from the director and one from his mom. So this is a room his heavy film that we're going to be watching today. All right. So was this or was this not just an excuse for some nerd to wear his suit of armor? This whole family 100% yes. Yeah. I mean, it's the only way you can justify wearing a night uniform is if it's for God, right? The crusades. Am I right? It was like, oh my God, bring back the crusades. I want to cosplay, but not like in a way that like is devily. I want a cosplay for Jesus. You have to wonder how many movies this guy wrote

to justify other costumes. He was like, oh, if you liked the night of day, wait until you see leather gear guy who's really great and helps kids. Yeah, ballcake man man coming in this summer. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Okay.

So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I'll tell you what, I'll start us off because this just drove me nuts throughout. Best worst soundtrack that has no fucking idea what is happening in the movie. Yeah. The soundtrack throughout the music is just off having its own movie. Its movie is an adventure about an elf searching for his real mom. This whole fucking movie, the music never matches.

You would think at some point like a broken clock being right twice a day just at random, somehow the music would eventually be appropriate. It doesn't seem it never was. It's this music and it will recur throughout the film over and over again. It's like sting started a song and then he was like, nah, that one's going to be shitty. Never mind. And he was like, hey, you don't mind if I, I take this weird warbling you who in the background, do you? And he was like, no, man, go ahead, help yourself. And he was like, awesome soundtrack for every single scene of my movie done.

Yeah, right. I, I felt like it was just reject upon reject of legend of Zelda soundtracks. Like they were like, we could do better. So let's and it's the like collected ear turds that belong in a lame video game that should never see the light of day. And it, I mean, the sound overall just hurt my ears a lot. Oh, oh, yeah, the sound quality, the audio capture in this was ridiculous throughout. It is a podcaster. It drove me fucking nuts.

But yeah, the music was constantly like nothing should have that music, that bad unless there's like an options feature where you can turn off the music. Yeah, pretty much. I would be fine never listening to that music again, except in my nightmares to remind me to reject their what, what is cool. That's the thing. They kept for me appropriating what is cool, which I guess is like my best worst is how they used black people as props for Satan. Like, yep. It was, okay, first thing you do in the movie, you see a black guy and he's scary

But we don't know why and I don't know Forever in America is reason to never do that in a movie like black guy whoo scary and then the next time We see a black person because there's no black people in this town or any other people see a black person because there's no black people in this town or any other people, no diversity. It's a black woman whose hair is crispy. Let me explain this to you. Her hair is straight and crispy. She has some internalized racism. She needs to work out and let her curls grow out, celebrate her every goddamn day and see what happens. But no, she was too busy getting too much hot comb and worshiping Satan. And worshiping out.

Yeah. And then how conveniently the black dick, I'm just calling him black dick because that is appropriate with his title. The black dick of the movie sold the white man's mystery, but also doesn't get angels for himself. Well, it isn't the hero of this movie. How is he not the hero of this fucking movie, right? Because he's black and scary. We saw that in the first two minutes of the movie.

Oh my God, and I don't wanna overplay this, We saw that in the first two minutes of the movie. Oh, I got it. I don't want to overplay this. What's, you know, but, but like the only way that in this movie, the only way that a black person can wind up being a good guy is if they at least pretend to worship Satan first. Right. There was no way they were going to humanize any black characters in this film. They were just going to be villains and tools for white people to use. Honestly, if at some point he had like the main character had battered open a door

with the black sidekick, it would have been a better use of his person. It would have given him agency. He would have had agency. Had he been a battering ram, you would have been like, huh, he did it. Okay. Have you got the end up to play? Go up and a daughter. Jesus. You have any best worth, see life? Yeah.

I'm going to go with best, worst satanic induction techniques. We're going to get to it and we'll spoil it. But basically this Satan's cult is step one, we're having a barbecue step two. You should rape Steve to death. There is no, I feel like it escalates real fast. I'm saying it's a step step in between. I have notes for their satanic induction. All right.

Well, obviously we're all pretty excited about this one. So we're going to get the break brief. And when we come back, we'll dig into all the hostage videos cinematography that is the night of day Hi, Kisha. Thanks so much for coming in Glad to be here So I think you're gonna love it here at triple six incorporated. This is the break room We got like water juice the coffee maker that's some yaks blood

We'll just have little cliff bars and stuff if you get snacky during the work day. Ooh, ooh, I'm sorry, yaks blood. Yeah, yeah, then there's water and juice as well. So this over here is gonna be your cubicle. Feel free to spruce it up. We like to keep things casual. So like, if you need to step out of the office

for a doctor's appointment or to sacrifice a virgin just like do it It's an open workspace Sacrifice a virgin like a virgin virgin. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Okay. So mochow important. Hey, here he is. This is baffo may He's our lord and savior make sure you really check in with him. He also handles HR He's our Lord and Savior. Make sure you really check in with him. He also handles HR. Taco Tuesdays. Right.

He's also a charge of Taco Tuesdays. So he's a lot of fun. Oh, okay. I'm going to say this workplace is way too satiny for me. I'm sorry. I'm, I'm going to have to, I don't know if I, Keisha, Chesa, our health insurance includes dental

and has no deductible. Oh damn, hail Satan. Hail Satan, yes. Okay, all right, so this is the water cooler filled with semen. Yum. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start this thing off with a logo that seems to just desperately scream, this is a goddamn movie.

Like the ones they have in theaters and whatnot. And then we start off with our Bible quote. Now most Christian movies will start off with a Bible quote and you can usually tell how crazy it is by which book they're quoting. This one quotes Deuteronomy, which is the 11 of insane on these things. The order, by the way, is Ecclesiastes Matthew, Luke, Exodus, Psalms, Proverbs, Genesis, Revelation, Isaiah, Leviticus, that's 10, and then Deuteronomy. They cranked it up to 11 for this one.

And what's so amazing is that this quote is, dude, they burn people to their gods. We just sacrifice ours to himself. It's way easier. There's, there's Zany over there. Let me tell you. Yeah. Yeah. I always like to start my movies by setting a tone of wrath. Just, you know, there's consequences to this movie.

I mean, it helps raise the stakes. Like, exactly. Think about it. Exactly. Also, my music note here is, how close to the ex files can we get without getting in trouble, Steve? Mine was, no, no, if there's a pattern, it counts as music. And while we're getting this, so we get this music and we get the credits for like three minutes, we're watching a handheld shot out of an airplane window of mostly clouds, and then supply over country. Boy, nothing gets you ready for action like that, right? Maybe I'm just too big city, unrelated, but I wanted to see anything interesting. But I wanted to see anything interesting clouds. They weren't even pretty clouds. And like, uh, there's this.

Global warming has given us beautiful clouds. We didn't get any of those like global warming clouds. We just got like kind of fluffy, like little bitch clouds if I'm being honest. Like, Like eight no angels in those, right? It wouldn't even hold them up. Those wispy little bitches. Yeah. Yeah. Like I mean, those clouds were like pretty weak.

If that's heaven, I'm going to have to give heaven a C. No harps. The music sucks. No harps. And it just wouldn't stop. And the only thing I have to touch on about these clouds is that at one point as they're shooting them, the cameraman obviously leaned too far back and stumbled a little and they kept the shot.

It's fucking amazing. It's in the first sea. He's like, it's okay. It's okay. I'm all right. And then we meet the star of the film, which is this suit of armor. Now, we've already touched on that this movie clearly existed so this guy could write off this suit of armor and it's a pretty nice

suit of armor. Fucking Cecil would be proud of this, but we hear a guy say, and like, if the narrator's going like, it says in Ephesians six, some shit about armor. Let me tell you about that. Well, my buddy Dave puts on his armor. And what we learn here is that he's transcribing a letter to quote unquote, the authorities or he wants someone to pass his letter on on the authorities. And I just have to say, I don't know that there is a better white person than the authorities. He might as well have been writing that to Commissioner Gordon. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of my point that like I watch this movie.

I was like, is this how white people live their life day to day? Is it there are just authorities who take care of them? Who just cry? Hey, authorities and someone will come help and you trust that? That is a thing that that's a system of everyone that you can be. Yeah, and he's not going to shoot you when they get them. Yeah. I mean, it's literally, I was like, not that I've gone off the deep end of being a libertarian

or anything here, but I was like, where's your regular individualism? That's that little bottle. And take care of your damself. But that was just maybe. Kisha, why people only want the government gone when it's tax time. They want the government there all the time except for tax time. Tax times when we want to get rid of them. Trust me. Yeah. Oh, okay. Otherwise it's authorities. So all right. So he's writing this letter and he starts out. He goes, it all started on graduation day. Now I want you to consider this letter

because the story, the relevant portions of the story did not remotely start on graduation day, right? If you're writing a letter to the authorities, you can start when you show up in the woods and they start doing satanic cult shit, right? You don't need to know about you and your buddy graduating together and moving to Michigan. But that's what's happening. They're graduating from the University of Ohio, which is not a college, I don't think. And and this is, I think this is the first time we really get a sense of how this movie is going to be filmed. I had it as this style of a 2am commercial for a local furniture outlet. I had it as shot on the same camera as my

childhood home movies and my parents didn't care that much. I had it as a student film that got a D minus in community college. But yeah. Well, I think yeah, you were a little literal there. Yes. Yes. I mean, they submitted it. It got a D minus. So they released it to YouTube. That's my unfan theory. Yeah. So and also the whole, okay, so we've got these two buddies. This is David and Ronnie. They're going to be the two main characters. They're with a girl who is going to disappear from the universe after this scene. And the and the one character, like he has to bring up the fact that he has a spiritual night collection. Like, like, little soldiers, like, and Susan Varmer, that is brought

up in the clumsiest possible fucking way in this dialogue. It's just like, hey, let's list the things that our characters have together. And to be clear, I googled these. They're just like war hammer figurines or dungeons and dragon figurines that someone was like, all right, we want to sell these to Christians who are afraid that Dungeons and Dragons turns you into a satanist. So, do you want to use the exact same things and put a cross on the box and they are phenomenal? My favorite thing about these and you can Google and look them up and they're amazing is that there's one female figurine and it's just Mary Magdalene. They don't have any fit. They've got like all these different nights and squires and stuff. You can get in your

spiritual night's collection and the only woman you can buy, no, people that aren't white, by the way. But the only woman you can buy is literally marry the mother of Jesus. That's the different. Mary actually, that's Virgin Mary, not Mary Magdalene. Oh, so it's even better. I was going to say it's even better if it's just Mary Magdalene. If it's just a prostitute, somebody for all the nights to fuck at the end of it, but the Virgin Mary is at least maybe a little better. Well that would follow smurf rules where all you need is a fat. Yeah, exactly. Right, right. Okay. So yeah, I love that. That's all the smurfs have their different personality characteristics. You know, one is greedy,

one is strong, one is a smart ass, one is a woman. That's one of those personality characteristics and things I've learned is being black and or woman is defining characteristic like said girlfriend in this movie. Yeah, right. Jesus, she has no point of being here except to use that wonderful school play blocking where she starts walking away from the guys all a coy or whatever. So yeah, so they they have this incredibly clumsy scene where we learn that these two guys are going to be moving to Kalamazoo Michigan. There's your first mistake right there to live with this girl's sister in a situation

that makes no fucking sense. And for no reason, right, right, and that we don't have to know about. Yeah. Like all they do is like, you're a thing that I hook up with. Also, I insult you. Boys will be boys and then she walks off to die. I'm right. Right. But before she could die, we have to have this one last scene with her at the airport slash tanning salon. I mean, where the fuck did they find this tiny little airport? It looks like a fucking dead just waiting room. It took me a minute from the establishing shot to figure out that was an airport. I thought it

was a warehouse where they keep like children and bodies and you know other whores that we should really fear. And then I was like, oh, what's that thing in the background? Oh, a plane, I guess. Yeah. I mean, if you're gonna just use the word plane broadly like that, then yeah, I guess that's a plane in the background. And there's just this moment in the scene that I have to point out.

So they're talking about going to, wherever they're going, Calamazoo. And a guy walks by and just drops the newspaper of the city they are flying to literally into the protagonist's lap. He's like, he's a paper in the city. This is a prop for the next, which he then opens and sees the wanted ad for the job he will have. That's the level of lazy writing we have. I've seen some lazy writing. This is Christian movie number 130 plus that we have watched, but I have not seen

here's the newspaper with the wanted ad of the job from the next scene. Well, I was just going to say it feels like white God just delivers anything. The protagonist thinks. Yeah. Yeah. No, this is not going to be the most unlikely thing God provides in a moment for this guy. It would be fitting in this movie if he was sitting next to a black guy and the person who dropped the newspaper also just randomly arrested the black guy in the air. Oh, man.

Sorry. This is just how things work in this world. All right. So now after a just painful series of details about how far the goddamn car rental places from the airport, it's at the airport guys. That's where it always is. But they have all these weird bizarre useless details of how they're going to get to this house that they're going to move into before we finally get them showing up at that house. And this is the racist scene where again, they walk in, we meet Lindsay and they're being followed by a black guy or the black guy is walking by the house.

And again, we have not met a single other black character in this movie. They all turn. She goes, I don't know. That guy just gives me the creeps and they just move on with the movie. There's no acknowledgement. And they stare at him about three beats too long to like, I rewound that scene because I was like, wait a minute, they didn't stare at him. That nope, they stared at him longer than I thought.

Well, and again, we have to point out that it's not like he's hiding behind a tree taking They didn't stare at him that nope, they stared at him longer. Well, and again, we have to point out that it's not like he's hiding behind a tree, taking pictures of them or anything. He's just walking by and glance us up, right? That's it. And they're like, wow, that's some creepy shit, isn't it? The way he's black existing. Yeah, he exists. Yeah, I'm frightened.

What did he do? Existed. Yeah, what does. Yeah, I'm frightened. What did he do? Existed. How does he do it? All the time. All the time. All the time. Constantly. She's like, he walks by here every day

and I'm like, we probably lives there and goes for a walk. I mean, it's like, yeah. And sometimes he has a dog with him. That's creepy, isn't it? So then she shows him around the house. We have a, like, they wanted to make sure they could at least use this part of the video to sell this house later levels of detail as they're showing them around. This house is so goddamn 80s. I feel

like I'm going to die. It makes me so happy. I just wanted like a tape of VHS of Alph season three to pop out of the experience. I wonder if I'll watch dirty dancing a very popular movie right now later. Well, and I'm not sure what the sister does, but is she independently middle class wealthy that she has a whole house to herself with three bedrooms. She can't afford to update it, obviously. HDTV died there. But she's like, yeah, I'm a single lady who wants to live with my sister's guy friends. Yeah. And in the context of this movie, spoiler alert, she's a satanist who's inducting people into her cult. That kind of makes sense.

But what was that conversation like just like, oh, if you guys are looking for a place to live, my sister lives in a giant abandoned house with three free bedrooms. And she would love to live with two strangers who've left home five hours away. So yeah, I mean, me hook you guys up. I'm not that almost makes sense to me because my follow up question is, so it's a fuckhouse, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. The set up to this movie constantly makes sense if it's porn. Yeah. Right. So yeah. So, okay. So they come in and she showed them him around I have to point out this line

The the one character Ronnie goes. Oh TV awesome and she goes, uh-huh cable too I'm like did you show up in a goddamn Delorean? Hey guys now we can watch Jackie Gleason while we eat Well, of course there's a fucking TV. This was shot in 1992. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, and again, in clumsy introductions, so the main character is just picking up random shit around the house and he picks up a necklace. And I, as a joke, wrote in my notes, hey, be careful with that. It's my satanic talisman. But that's what it is. It's literally a gift that Satan gave her. And we have a flashback to her getting that gift from Satan literally. And Satan apparently couldn't be bothered to spend more than five dollars at the hot topic

because it's a plastic pentagram necklace. Yeah. And the, the lighting in the Satan sequence, the Satan, what I assume flashback sequence wasn't romantic enough for Satan. It's like, Satan doesn't care a lot about his hose. If you know what I mean. Like, Satan wasn't really tre- like, Satan needs to step up his game, but as does Jesus in this movie, like nobody's spitting game for souls at all. And like, because it was like underlit in a way that made it hard to recognize white people in the dark and it's white people in the dark. You should be able to see them.

And I was like, shadowy hair that I mean, there was kind of Jesus. I guess that's the point. I guess long hair could be Jesus or Satan. It was very confusing and til I saw as you printed out the like the devil necklace that I was like, oh, that's really big. And obviously. And it might as well just say I am Satanist in like LED letters that scroll across it.

You might as well just like get a tattoo. Well, she does. She has one on the back of her neck. We'll find out later. But yeah, there. Yeah. So, okay. And then we watch them sign the lease because Jesus, fucking Christ, they have no idea what belongs in the script. Then we get, they're setting up their rooms now in her house. And David is, we see David Christianing up his room. First thing he's doing is putting up his cross and his spiritual night collection. He could not be hammering less subtle things to the walls, just like hammering a Bible to the wall and a crucifix and that got a giant sign.

Giant sign. I'll never give God up for Satan is hammering that into the low case. This is all the stuff from my room. All I do is pray and pray. He doesn't. Yeah. They were so worried about everything except their clothes. Like I think they brought five things with them from college.

Yeah, right. And speaking of which, I, as somebody in my 30s looked at them and went, dude, you're like 45. Yeah. Just graduated. I mean, good for you. Get that degree. I celebrate your education, but you are not 22. No, no. Um, so although I will say he was probably that balding at 22. So now it's time for the white guy to go get a job because he's been in town for a day already. So we cut to this, first of all, this shot is blocked insanely, right? We're looking at the back half of the back of a man's head and a partially open door and a trash can when this scene starts. And it's because this guy's got long hair and he's like, show me, show my awesome locks that like

right away, I want everybody to see my sweet ponytail. Oh, this is the sweet, I wrote in my notes, I see the main characters, Hairline went to the back of this other guy's head. You just know the boss with a ponytail is going to tell him he's poly any second, right? So what kind of days off to you? I'm poly. I'm poly. All right. Got good. That's good. For you. And why are you two the same age? Actually ponytail, ponytail, you're younger. Yeah. How do you get this job? He could have played just out of college. This guy, they put a little gray in his hair to make him look older and he constantly sounds like that little kid on the phone trying to be an adult, you know, trying to sound

like an adult. Like I constantly expect him to go, Oh, well, I'm the boss and I will give you a job. Um, so all of the quote unquote adults clothing didn't fit them. No, he helped. I couldn't blame the 80s, but it was 80s, 90s time travel wherever they shot this movie. But I think it was, they think adult just means ill-fitting clothes, which I guess if we're talking about regionalisms, that's true. I've been to Times Square. I've seen it in the wild, but his clothes were just so ill fitting. Everybody's where everybody was wearing clothes that like if they suddenly became six months pregnant, they would be fine.

Throughout this entire movie, it was really fucking weird because you think like these actors actually do own clothing, right? Like that, they didn't have to like the suit of armor. Maybe that was special for the movie. The just I have to have a shirt on. You think you could just go to one of your shirts. And this job interview consists of, huh? So that's your resume, huh? Do you play golf? Great. You have the job. And then he picks up the phone, calls his secretary and is like, we're not looking for anyone else for this job. In fact, you get the whole rest of the day off. Yeah. So, okay. And also, by the way, this interviewer,

the new boss of his also has a $4 Satan pendant from hot topic. Uh oh, yeah. Proving the Christian movie trope that if you have long hair, you are Jesus or a Satanist. You are one of those two things. All right. So now we had home where Ronnie is looking through the, through the one ads. And first of all, this shot is just flooded with fucking sunlight. This is like, grandpa just passed through the open window. Give me a second the entire time. And also, okay, so Lindsay's in the room with him. Now Lindsay seems confused that this film is not a porn. Right? Every scene she's just like, should I, I should blow him now?

Why am I, shouldn't I blow him? It would make more sense. This actress seems confused that no one ever fucks her throughout the movie. She keeps waiting for the like synth music to start. But instead they just talk about jobs. And then he leaves. And she's like, this is the weirdest porn shoot. I hate it here. So yeah. So, and this is also the first time I had, I realized how random the music was because like at this point, her and Lindsey and Ronnie have a heart to heart about him taking charge of his life. But the music is looking through old news articles to find out who the killer really was all those years ago, right?

So he's like, oh man, I just so stressed out. She's like, here, try drugs. Yeah, a valium. I like Lindsay. Am I right? Yeah, I was like, oh, hey girl, hey, what you do on a tonight is Saturday. We got some shit to do.

Give me those valiums. Yeah. And I also then like got some like a little bit of shade. I was like, is that some shit about, like, subtle shit about mental illness being like, oh, valium's like the devil's drugs. You got anxiety. You suffer from crippling social pressure.

Oh, well, you evil. Take that. Right, right. Like, the whole time I'm like, wait a minute. I've taken value. I struggle with things that, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, know, okay, that may be not. But constantly in these movies, taking psychiatric medicine is equated with being an evil Satanist anti-Jesus person. Absolutely.

Absolutely. As if any attempt to heal yourself through modern medicine, which I thought was good, well, I mean, it's a little Christian science-y adapting the rules felt just it just felt like an attack on this kid who I'm like, I'm pretty sure that your boy Ronnie just has like a social anxiety disorder. Yeah, right. Jill, Jill, let him take a pill. So, and then we've got to cut to this bizarre fight that Ronnie and Dave has.

Dave comes in and he's like, Hey, guys, I got the job and Ryan's like, man, everything always goes right for you, but never for me. And then they start yelling at each other. It's these characters will have this is the pattern where it gets established. But for every scene for the rest of the movie, these characters will speak to perfectly normal sentences to each other and then start screaming. They're like, yeah, couple everyone knows should break up the movie. It's just like, yeah, man, I got the job and I was thinking we'd celebrate. Oh, I bet you and Lindsay are just going to have the best sex, are it you?

Oh, my God. Also, and they have to be pissed off about really random shit, right? So Ronnie's pissed at David for getting the job. David's pissed at Ronnie because he's agreed to go to church with Lindsay instead of going to the first assembly with him. This is the conflict in the film right now. Those are the stakes. At well, and maybe I just keep reading into the subtext they didn't think about. But ultimately David's problem is, why don't you believe the same things as me?

Absolutely. Evil. I was like, did you just make a xenophobic argument? You're doing something different. I don't know what it is, but I'm guarantee you it's wrong. Right. Well, you don't know. They make a xenophobic argument. They made a xenophobic movie, right?

The whole movie is about that. Yeah. The whole movie is, if you go to a different church than me, it's probably a satanic whole movie. The movie. The movie. This is the beginning of that journey, but that's the point is the cousin who screams at you about going to first Baptist and set a seventh the piscopal of the patron saint of Gertrigger and then likes praise for you and Kate so that

you don't get lost. That's this movie for where they're the good guy and correct. Yeah. Yes. That's the conflict of this movie is you are different than me, which must be evil, conclusion, role credits, black people or props. But it is, the order of operations is pretty simple. Our white night hero gets dropped newspapers and jobs and everything and people who are different resent him, but it's okay. He still gets it his way because angels. Right. Well, just to underscore that, the next thing we see is that what we cut from the house to the same house again, but now it's the next day. And we have to cut to the black dude watching Lindsey bring groceries in again, all creepy. And again, by creepy, I mean all black.

Now Keisha, I just want to ask if if I'm going to introduce a black character in a movie where he's only been seen once before and everyone's been afraid of him. Is the proper choice for music? Bounce, get the ball, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get

down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, down, get down, get down, get down, get down, down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, down, it, so it depends on where you're going stylistically Eli, because the way she

just reacted, the still fear, I was like, is this fear attraction? No, no, it's still, what is this black man? Yeah, yeah. And by now we know this bitch is this assateness, right? So my brain is going bitch, you assateness. What? What? What?

And you looking at a black man going, uh, uh, he's danger. Well, and the other thing too is that like he is also a member of her satanic cult, right? Like later on when they go to the satanic cult, he's there. So like, they know this movie is paying no attention to itself. Okay. So Dave is watching him outside going like, he's a black person. I bet he's going to steal something out of the yard. I better keep an eye on him. And by the way, we've all heard of Nick Beard. We've seen Nick Beard. Dave has that for sideburns. He has neck sideburns. Yeah, they're really impressive. They run into his chest hair

It's pretty gross Okay, so she gets home with the groceries. We have a weird advertisement for pie and then Dave comes into bitch at Ronnie for going to church with Lindsay He's church jealous and we have to play that out a little bit longer. Yes Can I can I ask a personal question to you Noah? I'm curious. Is that pie shit a real thing? I do with a slice missing.

I did. That is something that I was like, wait a minute. That seems like they just wanted to rip you off. Yeah, somebody ate the pie and they were like, hmm, yeah, no, no, no, no, this is chunky style milk over here. That's perfectly okay. Um, yeah, no, it was, yeah, she's, he's like, hey, there's a slice missing out of this pie and she says, no, that's a pie from such and such brand like the fucking wife in the Truman show or whatever. It makes it easier to get out the first piece of pie.

What the fuck are you talking about? Also, your life isn't hard enough if the like your life isn't hard enough. You need to get struggle. Yeah, right. Let me introduce you to cocaine or something. All right. Now now I feel attacked. I thought we were all having a good time and then Keisha started attacking me. I don't know why. No, please move on in the movie.

Please. Yeah. Okay. All right. So they're talking about how you used to go to church with me. And then all of a sudden, there's a report that comes on the news. And this is so fucking funny. These guys idea of what a news report looks like, right?

Because what is amazing? Yeah, it's supposed to be this woman comes up and she's like, oh, there was a murder in the woods and there've been three similar murders in the past several months and blah, blah, blah. But she doesn't say that. She says, this has been the third murder in the past three months. No geographical location, no similarities or anything like that. Just yeah, we're keeping track of the, can you count to three boys and girls?

Anyway, so that's the whole bit. Right. And Lindsay comes up and she's like, oh, no, not another one. I got some news for you. Man that's really spooky is not a good response to my friend was murdered. Yeah, no, my friend passed away. Oh, stop. You're putting the flashlight under your chin. Not just my friend for my school. I just didn't know what to do with the woman who was again wearing oversized adult clothes. Like, her yellow jacket was like built for like Leslie Jones. And this is love to Leslie Jones. This is just me saying that girl had to be like five foot two. And that was a jacket built for someone who was like six foot easy.

Yeah. She was like, that was. That was. She made me serious. I'm She was like, that was, take me serious. I'm flopping around in a coat that doesn't. Yeah. No, that was definitely, that was something that you get for like, you know, winning a golf tournament or something. Yeah. Um, also that your dad gives you. Yeah. Exactly. That you're dad one. And also, this was amazing. This is how stupid the writing in this movie is as she's talking about a friend getting murders, she literally says when they found her, they couldn't even identify her.

Then how the fuck are you telling us this? No, it's her, right? We even to this day, we don't even know it was her. What? Anyway, yeah. So and then Dave looks okay, and this is the most fucked up thing. They're like watching the news and it's just like, oh, there was a murderer. There's a murderer around.

And Dave looks out the window at the black guy. It's a murder, huh? Well, I did see an African American earlier. The moment a murder gets mentioned, he basically turns, if the black guy were in the room and he's like, what? And he's just like, no, no, just seeing how you're reacted to the word murder. What's going on? And again, by the way, the fucking music is presenting Simba to the tribe at this moment. And then we have to have that one of the weird night flashbacks so that Joey

could walk around in his suit of armor a little bit more. Yeah. There's no question that whoever arranged for this actor to walk around in a suit of armor, whenever you go to that person's house, they spend a lot of time telling you to quote, be careful, right? You can just tell that I'm careful. That's actually an original gauntlet from the, all right, I'm dropping on purpose. You happy? Look at my heart. I'm dropping this original gauntlet from the, all right, I'm dropping on purpose. You happy? Look at me in my heart. I'm dropping this. You see? I destroy the things you love. And now quite jarringly, we are in a church filled with people and it's time for a sermon. Would we say, well, people, everyone in this church looks like a mental hospital put

on a production of our town. It is the craziest group of humans I've ever looked at. That are all on overdosed on Xanax. Yes. We hated on value earlier, but everybody, I was like, everybody looks wild in the eyes, yet somehow unenthused to be there. I don't know. Maybe it's the church's I go to, but like as, and I say go to, the ones that my family members have let me see from the outside. And I don't know, I'm used to black people who at least there's energy and music. And this just looked like somebody died. I was like, dear God, there is no God. If this is how you celebrate. Well, someone did die and it was Jesus. Thank you. Well, I'm so happy. It was as painful to watch as they were suffering every Sunday.

That's what's so funny about it with white churches. This is a universal and Christian movies. They cannot even make it seem like the people are enjoying themselves, right? They can't even like you can pan over a lecture and at least that people look interested or whatever. They never managed to do that unless it's a black church where everybody's like super boisterous and singing along and jumping up and down and whatnot. But yeah, you never see white people in a movie enjoying or even seeming to enjoy church. Well, and that's the thing. It's like I do not go to church, but I have been in enough black churches to know I was like, oh, this is at least interesting. People are at least like, it's sociologically interesting. Yeah, all right. at least it's sociologically interesting. Yeah, right. Yeah, like I was like, oh, at least they think colors are interesting. Like the muted color palette. Yes. The low lighting.

Like gray brown monotones. Oh, God, it was so bad. Giving a sermon in a whisper. Like the whole damn thing. I was like, you people are boring as shit. And by the way, the soundtrack is in the middle of a voodoo spell throughout this sermon. Yeah, it's like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go Satan church. This is his church. This is the church where the good guys go. Right. And this sermon appears to be. So basically the preacher who is would have bought larger glasses, but it's physically impossible for his face. Yeah, they only make those for color. Telescopes. Yeah, exactly. Right. He has the armor of God for step process. And I want to make sure this is right. Step one, lose total control over your life.

We're not the cult, the other ones are the cult. Yeah. Two, listen to the person you gave control of your life to. We're not the cult, the other people are the cult. Three, get possessed by a ghost. That's, be filled with the Holy Spirit. Yeah, that's four. Uh-huh.

Don't talk to anyone but us. Yes. Right. Yeah, no, the ways he phrases it is, one, give Jesus control your life to get into the word of God, you know, because he's hip. Be filled with the Holy Spirit and separate yourself from evil doors.

I want to point out only the fourth one really qualifies as a verb and it's the cultiest fucking thing you can say. All right. Now it is time for a fat white man in glasses to play basketball because we deserve that now, right? We have earned this. I needed it. I needed to laugh at something. All right. I have a question. Ronnie says something to Dave at the beginning of this scene. He says bring it something. Now he either says bring it my boy. Oh no, no, no.

Bring it white boy. It is. Bring it white boy. Oh, yes, because in take one, he said bring it my N word and they're like, I don't think we can quite get away with that, man. You're going to have to, you have to change that. But he said the ER. So we knew what he meant.

Yeah, well, right. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I'm also throughout this whole thing. First of all, they're shooting in a gym. They have made no account for that. Their audio equipment was so ever. So it's this painful echo constantly. And it's just loud as fuck.

Also, someone is unloading a truck while they're shooting this scene in the back. Yeah, you can hear the like, Yeah, fucking so bad. Amazing. And this is, this is my favorite thing about this scene. Honestly. So they, they get in a shouty fight about you, you didn't come to my church. How come you don't come to my church? You should you don't come to my church? You should try my church.

No, your church is a piece of shit. And then he shows them that he got one of the Satan-y Wicken pentagrams at his church, which I don't know how anyone who was raised Christian would think that they were still going to a Christian church. Right. And we're being given a pentagram, right? I don't, at the only times I've seen pentagrams is when they're connected to Satan.

I mean, pentagrams exist in the wild. And that like terms of like anytime a Christian talks about Satanism, they are the ones who bring out pentagrams. Not even like Chatton with some casual satanists. Do they are, are they wearing their satan pentagrammy things? No. And by the way, Satan is worthy upside down pentagram to begin with. It's Wittkins that wear the pentagrams. So yeah, they were the awful man. Yeah, right. So they don't even get this right as bad and it's stupid as it is. They don't even manage to get it right. Well, part of it is they combine all of

the different things. Yeah. The Boudou Muslim. Yeah. Well, he exactly different. They bowing to the star of David and he would have been like this thing, right? Yeah. Satan. Yeah. Also, by the way, they're all a Satany things. At the end of this, um, at the end of this scene, after they have their little shouting fight about the churches or whatever, an old guy comes in and

says, guys, you got to clear out it's time for volleyball. I guarantee that was not in the script. Absolutely. Why would that? The literally a guy comes in and goes, the scene is over now. All right. I said, you can shoot your movie

for 10 minutes. All right. I said, you can shoot your movie for 10 minutes. All right. Next scene. Cut. So. All right. So then we, so, so then Dave comes up as the narrator again. He's like, after that, I didn't see much of Ronnie.

I would rather tell you this than show you this. And we have this whole bit where it's supposed to be like, well, honestly, I think this scene is in a fight with itself. You tell me, because the whole scene seems to be how, you know, Dave's just stuck in a rut, but then the scene is like, his boss gives him a raise in a new office. What the hell was this scene supposed to be about? Um, well, they knew more things had to happen. So they just put it all in one.

It was like a burrito. But like a Chipotle burrito. It's a droopy burrito. So now we cut the Dave. Now this is amazing. He is studying his Bible in bed in a pose that screams for hot chocolate and fuzzy socks, right? Yes. I assumed he was going to pick up his phone and giggle with his bestie from college because

he was just like a pillow fight moment. Oh yeah. The Bible, like you're going to be quizzed on it. I think that was the idea if I had to go into the director's mind, it would be, I want him to study the Bible like he's going to get tested because that's the movie. He's tested. Yeah. No, but as they plan up because of the way he's standing, I expected him to pan up and

he'd have two of his nights and he'd be going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, oh, oh, Jesus, God, you man. But no, it was the Bible instead. Yeah, it's very much got the vibe of know you hang up, Jesus. Know you. Yeah. So then Ronnie walks in and he's like,

man, you surprised me, Ronnie. And I'm like, you didn't notice that audible change in room hiss when they changed stangles. And he got him a knife for his birthday. Yeah, yeah, an athlete even. I gotta say, this is some white people shit. I was like, I got you a weapon. Yeah, I was like, why are you guys giving each other weapon? Come on now.

We know these white people be murdering on these streets. To get each other weapons, I can't. Now I really want to get Keisha a weapon next time I see her. Just like, I just want to thank you for coming on the show. It's a, it's a large hunting knife. I, it's a, it's a, it's a morning star. You can't use swing it over your head on horse backs, very intimidating, very intimidating. I'll give you a series of less and less convenient weapons. Like, I got you none chucks, but the none trucks are knives. your your your your pain for for my bullet wounds from when I get shot.

Then he All right, so it so they start fighting again, because they're on scene together. They start fighting about his church. And it's so funny because Ronnie's supposed to not know that this is a Satan church yet. And he's like, what kind of things do they teach you in that church? He's like, it's they teach us about how we can have magical powers and how God can go fuck himself and how the hoover to Hornet one is straight and mighty. And he's like, that Satanism, he's like, no, oh, yeah, he's, he literally says, you know,

we do animal sacrifice. And it's like, oh, man, you know, what? How little were you paying attention in church? I've paid attention to religion very little in my life. But if someone was like, oh, yeah, no, we're sacrificing people at my church. I'd be like, oh, you are. And then the same thing. I don't know if you know that.

You're either an ancient is or a light or you're a second thing. I'm going to cut that out. And of course, because the movie is insane, Dave's reaction to, you know, we do sacrifices and stuff like that is not, dude, are you fucking kidding me? You're killing animals. It's, dude, Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. That's his argument back. Amazing.

But Ronnie wants him to go to a retreat with him, right? That's the point of the scene. Ronnie advice him to go to a retreat with him, right? That's the point of the scene. Ronnie advice him to go to a religious retreat. Hey, why don't you check out my new Satan church where we do animal sacrifice and whatnot. So Dave's thinking about it late that night. He's looking out a window all mopey. And then Lindsey shows up pretty sure she's supposed to blow him at this point and confused by the fact that she's not. Okay, but I need to talk about what Lindsey does in this scene.

Cause yes, please, please, literally the greatest thing that's ever happened. It's not Halloween. We learn it is not Halloween. And so the subtle thing they have this actress do is to hang up a cheap plastic Halloween skeleton on the wall. She's just like, Hey, how you doing? I'm not a satan. It's just putting a skeleton up on the wall. She's just like, Hey, how you doing? I'm not assatinist. Just putting a skeleton

up on the wall. All right, there we go. Gonna draw pentagram around it and blood. What's going on with you and Ron? Are you guys fighting? Well, and also, by the way, so they do that like because it does turn out to be like, because they end of this is at devil's night, which is the night before Halloween. So it does turn out this is Halloween season. So throughout the movie from this point on, they're gonna add more and more Halloween decorations to sort of creepy it up, but they don't use creepy Halloween decorations, right? Like this, this skeleton might as well have a fucking top hat on, right? I, I thought they were quite, quite cute. Like they were adored like all of the decoration.

I was like, I just put that in my house for funsy. Like it was, so it was what two-year-olds draw that they made. Like every time I saw a Halloween piece of decoration, I was like, oh, that has whimsy. Not scary. It's a whimsical Halloween. There's a point in this movie where there's supposed to be this really creepy scene hang happening. And behind them is this fucking Casper, the friendly ghost balloon, just smiling at it all the time. I can't wait for that.

That's amazing. I love that moment. All right. So so Lindsay's telling them she wants a day of the go on this Satan retreat with them. The music, by the way, thinks that they finally open the mysterious glowing box or something like that. And he's like, I don't think I should go to this church. And Lindsay's like, you can make your own judgments, can't you?

And he's like, I'm a Christian, that is not. That's the whole, that's not encouraged. If I could make my own judgments, it wouldn't, all right. It's, yeah. All of Lindsay's speech during this scene was like actually inspired me. I was like, oh, that's the first time I found this movie relatable. You go girl, Lindsay, you do you. And then I was like, ah damn, but she's the Satanist. That only woman who's relatable is a satanist.

Yeah, come on. Yeah, over and again. All right, and then we get my absolute favorite moment in this or any movie ever in my entire goddamn life. The fat guy Ronnie is having a nightmare, a very floppy one on a water bed. On a one Noah, I thought of you in my deepest of heart. I am the moment I saw this water bed. You are running rest of this movie had been Ronnie

flopping around like a suffocating fish on this goddamn water bed for another hour. You know, with the zone, with the director in the background going, you're a bacon. You're a bacon. I would have been so goddamn happy. I had to pause this. I laughed so long I had to call and apologize to all the obese people in my life. This one, this happens 37 minutes into the movie. It is so worth pausing right now to go to 37 minutes in this movie and watch this fat guy flop run in the bed. It's pretty great. And honestly, if this, if the creator of this movie ever wants to make the money

he spent on this movie back, just send me the footage of Ronnie getting out of this water bed. Look, he guys like, no, all right, they get out of a water bed. I've been in a water bed. It's a journey. It is difficult. It's like getting the first slice of pie, which some people on this recording have said is not a hard thing to do, but it's very difficult. It's not a real struggle. All right. Okay. I feel attacked again. Next scene. Let's move on. So, yes, he wakes up from his nightmare. Oh, by the way, in his nightmare, he's running. So just in case the fact I flappin' around on the water bed wasn't enough, we also get to see a fat guy running. That's great. All right.

Oh, not scared. Just like, this is hard. Yes. He wasn't scared. He was just like something evil, JCB, but this running, he's got this go fuck yourself, look the whole time like, all right, guys, can you just reuse the same footage but from closer up or something and you just crop it or something come on. All right. So eventually Dave decides he's going to go to the Satan retreat with him. So they all head down to the Satan retreat. He is being a whiny little how much longer bitch the entire time he's going like do you want me to look on a map and she's like I've been here eleven times and he's like I'm the hero and I want a man's plane to you how to get to a place I've never been in the town I've never lived in that you've been to before though I'm the hero.

Right and the point of this scene is for them to be sketchy about where the Satanist meet up but it doesn't read that way at all, right? He's just like, no, I mean, we go here all the time and he's like, okay, because I'm gonna want to know. He's getting back in my cool ninja skills. You guys see I'm wearing a bandana. You see my bandana? It covers my hairline. No reason.

He's wearing the bandana of a man who does not wait for sentences in a conversation before he tells you he studied karate. Like it is upsetting this gentleman's bandana. And if you don't have a good visual on David, quite yet, just okay, the whole time I'm watching this, I'm like, he's the guy who bitches out first with the cops pull you over, right? When everybody thinks it's going to be fine, he'll yell, he'd drag a beer or something like that. That's David.

Also, by the way, can we talk about what, I mean, I get it, I've been pouring my life and everything, but can we talk about what an impossible piece of shit this girl's car is? Oh my God. Like the fact that that thing was moving, you expected it to, like you expected there to be like a green screen or

Somebody just running behind it with bushes or something like that to make it look like it was missing huge crack in the windshield Missing door panels and shit. Yeah, real piece of shit anyway. I mean like we said she is wealthy Everything else poor also she doesn't work. I've gathered at this point. We haven't figured out if she works. No. She's, she fucks for Satan or something. That's what I hope. That was her story in my mind. Apparently, and also keep in mind that Ronnie never gets a job through this whole movie either. So I don't know what he's he's paying her his rent and dick or something too. I don't know. Um, but okay.

So they drive down this creepy path in this shitty car. And I'm thinking to myself, okay, whatever happens from here on out is on y'all. The music is is drawing it sword finally ready to avenge the death of its father. And then they stop at a random spot in the woods and she's like, okay, here we are. And I want to point out I've actually been to this retreat and Michigan, if you stick around longer, there's a little topless dancing and there's usually decent weed. But everyone's kind of suspicious to the new guy, the creepy black guy again, creepy just meaning black.

It's redundant there apparently. He's also there, right? The guy that's been following around, which makes it make no goddamn sense whatsoever that shoes creaked out by him earlier. And they all gather around. They sit on a tarp together on the ground because that's great for your audio. Yeah, a tarp on leaves was their audio choice. Oh my fuck and they all scoot around because they don't have an itch at the same time. Ah, and there's amazing moment because this is where the other black character in this movie goes over and introduces herself to him. This is the woman with the crinkly hair that Kishin described at the beginning. Crunchy black hair. Yeah, crunchy black hair.

And they've dressed her like Rudy from the Cosby show like they've just taken Rudy and they're like, here, you're a full grown adult. That's what you wear, right? And you can tell that she was like, actually, and they were like, uh, you know what, we'll go with this for now. She goes over and introduces herself to Dave. And again, the point in the movie is supposed to be he's not so sure about this, but it just looks like he's suspicious of the only other black person. Yes, it does. Because she's like of the only other black person. Yes.

It does. Because she's like, hi, my name's whatever. And I'm here to, yeah, is this your first time? And he's like, yeah, I don't know. And she's just like, oh, OK, you're unpleasant. OK. Oh, OK. So then, all right, now his boss comes out, right?

The long hair guy from earlier, the boss comes out. And they just go full Satanism. No for play. No, Loub. He just comes out, eat enough, feed us like it was an apple. This is all the way Satan immediately. Yeah, this is Chris. Look, we have not seen this alter and these black robed figures in this movie yet.

And yet the scene from, hey, look, a tarp and people milling around immediately goes to a black altar with candles and a guy dressed like a wizard calling everyone his children. And we're missing the day that was freaked out by the tarp. Like, Damien was like, oh, no. Right. Tarps are a little much.

Why are the chairs? At three in the afternoon with everybody should have plans like doing anything. They would be golfing. I think it's full daylight here. I mean, it's daytime Satanism, but like they had no problem being like, no,, no, we're open Satan is we come out during the day I think there should have shard nay. It was more like a crunch of Satan. Yeah It in terms of the time, but in terms of the full Satan it was like straight up Satanism

Voodoo What I mean and I say voodoo because that's where in the wide shot, I finally saw other black people, a majority black people. Yeah, the only place where they can have any inclusivity in this movie is in the satanic congregation. Right. So he runs away, right? Well, there's a Satan altar. Yeah, he yells, this is wrong. This is wrong. He runs off and I'm like, yeah, you think, because they're cacklingly, cackling evenly and chanting.

You think maybe this is not a normal church for you? And then the music kicks in. Keisha, question. So my white main, thank you for your help before. I really appreciate it. My white main character is running away and about to reveal that my white main thank you for your help before I really appreciate it. My white main character is running away and I about to reveal that my black main character is actually a protagonist as well. So he's going to chase him down.

I was thinking he would chase him down to very aggressive Christian rap music. Is that a good idea for me to have my character, my black character chase? Yeah, you like it? Okay. No? No. And does it, does it sound like kid rock, shot, and limp biscuits, man? Doesn't have that like, yeah, that's yeah. Okay, I'm going to have to double down on my no. Because I also don't know why is the black man chasing him at all? Why can't black man take care of himself and be like, you know what, I'm gonna leave for my safety.

And trust that this white boy will be okay. So, yeah, so they have this extremely long scene where they're running through the woods. They don't do anything, right? It's just running through the woods. And throughout it, we get these random flashbacks to, I think every single scene in the movie, at least two seconds from every scene. All the while, we're getting these this horrible white man ramp lots of long running shots. This goes on for a solid three minutes until finally, the dude catches up with him. And he's like, and again, like he's screaming, he's like, oh, black person, get off of me, black person.

And the guy's going like, no, look, I'm not a Satanist. I'm actually a private detective. I'm here to help you. He's like, but you're still black. It's amazing. Also, he's a private investigator and he shows him his private investigator badge. And later, he's a police officer. badge. And later he's a police officer. Right.

Later he's a cop, but they're just like, I think they think that anything in vet with the word investigator in it, you're just, you're part of the department. That's a type of cop. Yeah. Well, when you are the kind of person who is like authority, help. Yeah. You don't have to be specific. You just know someone else will take the wheel.

Anyone will take the wheel. And also, okay. So he tells me he's like, no, I'm an undercover detective. I'm not really part of the satanic cult. I'm trying to bring them down. And I'm like, yeah, because you know, the best undercover detectives immediately break cover and tell the new guy about it after he runs off. And then I'm like, what are

the Satanist think that you're doing then, right? When you ran after him, you're not going to bring him back. Um, anyway, so they have this conversation. This is some of the most strain and painful language that I've ever encountered in my life. He says, and I quote, I just had to warn this is this is the detective talking to David. He says, and I quote, I just had to warn, this is, this is the detective talking to David. He says, I just had to warn you. I know you're not caught up in this organization, but I had to warn you before you get caught up in it. He, he uses the term caught up in 856 times. It's, it's relatively black from white Christians about black people. They say I got caught up in things a bunch.

Also his dead sister, his sister died. We heard about that twice. They will so glaze over the dead sister too. Hey, he'll look at a lovely photocopy of her later in the movie. They, as though to say, no, no, we remember, we remember. So yeah, so and he tells him, he's like, no, this is a satanic cold. And they're into a human sacrifice and stuff like that. And I'm like, yeah, then why is it just a private detective on this job?

Then when they send police, but he is a cop, we just don't know. Anyway, yeah. So and also, by the way, consider what a shitty detective this this job. Then wouldn't they send police, but he is a cop. We just don't know. Anyway, yeah. So and also, by the way, consider what a shitty detective this guy is. This guy's supposed to be a private dick who's secretly watching this thing. And his way of secretly watching is just to walk by her house in broad daylight

and she's coming home and stare at her. Well, this is why I prefer using the term private black dick. Black dick. You just say everything you just said, private black dick. He came over to her house, private black dick. You're like, okay, now this movie's interesting. But it fulfills the promise that I want. And also he says, at one point, he's like, you know, because David is trying to, for some reason, defend this group of people who he knows, obviously, now are Satan's, he's like, they're

not Satan's and, uh, Ren, the, the cop character, he goes, I have proof. They all have six, six, six tattooed on the back of their neck. So I'm like, oh, that's proof of human sacrifice right there. Very, very well done, sir. What? At this point, I just wrote, okay, Noah, I'm going to be cool about this, but I'm also going to need to see the back of your next next time. I see your P.A.P. player.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Long hair, offering people jobs. I'm just saying. Yeah, no, that's true. That's true. And you got more than 20 grand to start this one. So, all right. And so he explains that, you know,

these guys are super powerful, and they're all well respected in the community, and they have way crazy magic powers. That's something I've never understood about the satanic panic, right? They constantly, even the Christian resources are constantly telling you, yeah, but no, they have all kinds of superpowers though. They can curse people and make, you know, magic shit happen all the time with that satanism though. What do we do? What can we do? We can handle snakes and speaking tongues.

Yes, that's just as cool. Every time they talk about the magical powers, I'm just like, damn, I want to be a satanist. I just, I get excited because I was like, oh, that sounds like something that would help my community. Pure kid. Be a part of change where I could magically appear and disappear as I needed and use black magic for my utmost desires to achieve a equity.

Oh, wait, that's evil. What about thinking? Well, and I should point out, wait, that's evil. What are we thinking? Wait, well, and I should point out, look, I grew up in Michigan, which was kind of the epicenter of the whole satanic panic in a lot of ways. I grew up in Michigan around this time being told by people around me, hey, be careful of those sadness. Yeah, sure. There's a lot of great sex and magic powers, but you'll go to hell. I'm like, okay, all right. Sex and magic powers. What?

Sign me up. I'm going to Michigan right now. I don't know how to spell religion. And he concludes the scene by going, look, man, I just don't want you to be another missing child. And then we look at this balding 40 year old Missing child, huh He wrote the

Seabirds a girl operating that suit So I nothing fits All right, well, I guess on that ominous warning we're gonna pause for a quick break But first let me give it actually the hard sell here Will Dave get Ronnie out of the cult before it's too late? Will Ronnie just settle on one fucking baseball team to support instead of wearing a different team's cap in every goddamn scene? Will I ever fully recover from fat guy in the water bed? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We'll be returned for the somehow even less sane conclusion of the Night of Day.

From the makers of the Night of Day, my candy apple had a razor in it. Comes a new film combining superstitious fear mongering with faith-based nonsense solutions. Don't worry, I'll pray your mouth better. Don't worry, I'll pray your mouth better. In a time when poverty, global warming and regular crime aren't enough to freak out suburban housewives. Oh no, creditors used Facebook's location settings to abduct my child. One movie will step in with a cure-all for the nothing you fear.

Don't worry, dear, he's wearing that crucifix I got him. This summer, the night of bullshit. Bloody Mary, bloody Mary. Jesus, Jesus. Canceled. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left our hero he was running streaming through the woods like an idiot and despite the detective to very clearly saying he had to go back to the group and act like he was cool the detective to then just drove him

to a church instead. And he gives him his phone number he's like, hey man, call me anytime, but don't tell anyone about this. Yeah, yeah, right. What are we? What am I calling you for? Power bottom? I tell you. Yeah. And by the way, that's a booty called for Christ. Yeah. And by the way, the idea that they had of shooting this scene beneath a bridge with active traffic, that was a great idea. That was an awesome idea. All right.

So he goes into the church and he starts to pray. I swear at 51 minutes and 50 seconds, the cameraman farts and they just leave it in. And he's saying to God, he's like, God, please give me the power to battle Satan later on in this movie. Yeah, he's just bring to life my spirit night, which by the way is what I'm going to say when I come from now on. I'm going to be at night. It's my new catchphrase. He goes, I feel so alone right now, so scared and alone. These are my present emotions.

Yeah. So bad. All right. So now we cut back to Dave getting back to Lindsay's place. And, you know, of course, Ronnie's on the phone because like all they know is he ran screaming from the woods and they haven't seen him since. So like they're concerned logically. But of course, Dave and Ronnie are on camera together. So they have to start screaming in each other about who has the right church, right? He starts yelling like your church isn't

true. Coming to my church, you learn about spirit armor and talking snakes like a sane person would. Yeah. And Ronnie responds by saying, you don't understand. They've helped me speechfully. Do you guys see him say speechfully? Yeah. He's supposed to be saying spiritually, but he goes, they've helped me speechfully. And I was just like, oh, all right, no second takes. I get it. Brando. I mean, they only had the location forever.

Right. We don't have this living revolts at any. We lose the light at 930 PM. There's also a much more interesting movie told from Ronnie's point of view where Dave is just like fucking up his own ass. And like his world superiority's got to die. Yeah. Well, any other movie where Dave doesn't turn out to be right.

And this isn't a satanic cult, aka every single time people thought this was happening in the real world. Yeah. Dave is the villain, right? a, every single time people thought this was happening in the real world. David is the villain, right? And a bunch of people have thought other churches were satanic cults. That's what caused the satanic panic. They were wrong. 100% of the time.

Right. Generally speaking, yeah, the guy who's inciting the pogrom is not usually the good guy, but in this one, it turns out the Jews actually were poisoning the wells. Yeah. So, and also, by the way, this is the point where Ronnie says, oh, and you know, your church is all, was he? I've seen my church make blind people see.

And I'm like, okay, well, now that, that seems like something you've got to argue pretty hard against there, bro. Because like, seriously, like if they're sacrificing cats and shit, but on the other end of it, they're making blind people see that's a good saccharis. That's a sacrifice worth making it. I'm a cat person. Yeah, that's a solid. Again, that is a, that is a provably better church.

Yes. Yeah. Like again, as a black person, and maybe this is why there were so many black people in the Satanism That that objectively sounds better for my I could see again. Does that mean I can get myself unshot by the police? Apparently if you fucking worship the vultures of horror, you can turn into a skeleton whenever you want to scare people off too. Yeah. No, there's all kind of great shit in Satanism. But so okay. So Dave goes to the library to look into satanic cults. We get the studying

montage where in in montages when people in movies go to libraries, they have to read from different shares several times. they have to change shares. Like it's the fucking Tea Party and Alice in Wonderland or something. And by the way, this montage could be called disgraced ex authors, the montage. He does Bob Larsson. I mean, it is serious. They very clearly have shot the covers of their favorites like seat and cult books and every single book. I googled it and it was like he later apologized after fraudulently selling his child for six

penguins. This book was retracted after he named someone by first last name and social security number. This book turned out to be a bunch of blank pages. We just bought it because of the cover. We're real sorry. Yeah, no, they actually at the very end of the credits, they list a bibliography, which is the second funniest thing in the movie after the fat guy flopping around in the water bed. Okay. Now it's time for some good old-fashioned satanic sacrifices. They're gonna murder a kitten, y'all. And I want to point out this cat is so pissed.

Yeah, and there's so obviously a cat owner, right? Because there's that, like, you can tell when people are like, my cat doesn't like to be touched. It was like, you said it was for the movie. you don't tell me someone was going to touch my cat. Like, there's two kinds of cats in the world. There's the cat that's a pet and there's a cat that's the roommate that hates you that's covered in knives. And this is obviously because you can see in the sacrifice scene, they don't even begin to hold it down. They're like, okay, you know what?

After James got scratched real bad, why don't we just pet the cat and then we'll show you stabbing the air. Sounds good. Love you, James. Eh. Also, I love to, every time we see the Satanist, they're chanting secular, secular, and they chant it like 37 times.

I just want to point out that basically that means what they're chanting is forever and ever and ever and ever and that's it, that's the whole chant. But because of the conjugation, it's kind of like forever, forever dumb, forever. Yeah, foreverness, foreverosity. Yeah. I took it as somebody looked at

Belatin Word and was like, this is as close to secular as we can find. Yeah, right. So good enough. Good enough. They got two words that sound like secular. It's evil.

All right. So now we get brother shame is getting home. That's a funny joke if you're a big Lebowski fan. And an angry looking at pictures of his sister, this scene is so goddamn fucking weird. Right? It's got a poster of Hannibal Lecter on the wall. That was it? Yeah. I missed that. But it's just the poster. It's not a movie poster is just

But it's just the poster. It's not a movie poster is just a real. He just yeah, because he's a detective. He's got Hannibal Lecter on it. Oh, that's how we know. It's got a giant like 18 by 18 inch poster that does not have anything movie on it. Just like this guy also is hunting Anthony Hopkins. I just like this guy also is hunting Anthony Hopkins. Apparently. All right. So yeah, so he's walking around in his apartment and then suddenly ghost Satanists show up to

annoy him mildly. Right. This is the worst magic spell of all fucking time. So some people appear. He looks around. They disappear. And then he hears a creepy laugh from the closet. So he goes to open the closet like you would. I have to ask, okay, what is supposed to be hanging in the closet? Is that supposed to be the dead cat? I thought it was a dead cat. And because of how funky that cat was in the first scene, it was a stuffed animal.

Well, yeah, wait. It was a teddy bear. And then they, because they put a dead cat, they appear out of nowhere. By the way, wearing sandals, very, very clearly wearing sandals, which is evil. That's evil. That's the most satanic thing they do is wear sandals, which is evil. That's evil. That's the most satanic thing they do is wear sandals and socks in this movie. They try to stab him once, and he's like, no, no, thank you. And they're like, okay, bye. And they had a, yes, these

guys are the shittiest ghost assassins. They go, and I had to watch this scene twice because of the amazingly slow stage stab that this guy does. It is, it is comically geriatric, the way they do the stab and the attempted stab. And then it, the, the, the detective, he goes to run and the door won't open. Oh no. And then it does open. So we'll see. Turn it the wrong way.

Yeah. Black people can't open doors. Well, that does it. Yeah, that's how the killer is really close anyway. Right. It's like white women can't start cars and black people can't open doors. Everyone knows that. Yeah.

There you go. The horror movie rules. So, all right. So now we cut to Dave. He's talking to Mary on the phone about that devil church. Mary is the girl from the first scene that we've all long since forgotten about. Right. And he's repeating myths from that if you Google turned out to be a priest who wanted

to make some money and tried to have crucify himself in 1984. Yes. He's repeating an urban legend of a crazy guy who tried to con his church some more money. Yep. Anyway, so Ronnie drives off in a huff. And then we cut back to more Satanism. They're doing some good old fashioned human sacrifice

at the head Satanist's house. It's so good. This actress does not know how often to scream. No. Her journey is the best. Her actor's journey is she's just like, all right. Well, oh, the scene still go, ah, ah, then you can tell she's like, okay, I'm just gonna do it and rhythm. Ah, ah, ah, ah, no, too often, too often, just random it up.

Ah, all right, I'll wait a little bit, a little bit. Ah, he eats, I could watch this actress go through the journey of, I don't know when to scream for an hour and 60 minutes. Just give her some lost engines and she'll do it. That's all. I figured they were paying her by the scream or something like that. Where she came in, she's like, guys, look, you get three screams. That's it. I thought this was porn. I'm weirded out by this shit. So the boss man is here. This character's name, by the way, is Harvey, the long haired boss guy that turned out to be the head of the Satanic cult.

And he's just about to sacrifice her. And there's a knock on the damn door. All every fucking time you're about to finish your human sacrifice. And some asshole comes knocking on the door. It's Ronnie. Right. And he's there to make sure that this isn't a Satanic cult. And she, Lindsay comes out in the black robe.

Yeah. Like, hey, and I feel like the black robes would be a bigger tell than they see. That's the thing. This room. My friend was saying we're kind of satiny and I can hear those screams and chanting from the other room. Ronnie is going through the satanic version of I tried to kiss you after what was obviously

a friendship coffee and now I'm texting you to see if we're cool. Are we cool? Like I, I guess you're kidding. Maybe we're just chanting for fun. I don't know. So and he warns him at this point too, because Harvey comes out also all Satan up. He's basically holding the bloody knife behind his back or whatever. And Ronny says, Hey, Dave is going to tell the police that we're a satanic cult. And I wanted Harvey to be like, okay, cool.

That's not illegal. They won't do anything. It's perfectly legal to be a goddamn satanic cult. But he's like, seems like we're going to have to kill Dave now. Ronnie, it's time for you to graduate to the next level. Kill your friend. And again, I'm just saying the escalation, the inductance, maybe date, maybe Ronnie kills a cat first, you know, maybe he organizes one of the barbecues out in the woods. He just seems a little fast. He could drown something first.

Like just maybe some easy bloodletting. Does that make an awesome Satan inductor? If we're ever going to induct people into our satanic call, you're our first person I'm going to. And we are. I want to make it an experience. I want to light some candles. That's the food for Satan.

So yeah, it was up and as happy he arrived. And he knows that we meant it. Yeah. All right. So meanwhile, Dave's in bed, winding to God some more. Now this is a thing that like all Christian movies have to do it at weekends, all Christian movies that every movie like at some point the hero has to be completely worthless at a whiny bitch and turn to God.

Yep. Right. So that's the moment we're getting here and then Lindsay shows up because she needs to Satan him up. She comes in to tease him. Yeah. She's like, all right, let's cut the crowd David. We all know I'm a satanic witch, so what gives?

You want you in for some human sacrifice or what? You DTS down to Satan? Ha! And there's this amazing moment where he goes, look, if you believe in Satan, then you must believe in Jesus. And she's like, Satan is way more powerful than Jesus. I don't know what it's so badly for her like Satan is way more powerful than Jesus. I don't want it so

badly for her to just get side tackled by Jesus. Well, but what's so amazing to me about that line is that he says, this is the actual quote, I had to go back and write it down. He says, but if you believe in Satan, you must believe in the real Jesus, the real, is that like his Twitter handle? Yeah, okay. Well, because everybody knows there's black Jesus and that's me. Oh, right. As opposed to, gotcha.

And again, I just want to emphasize, this scene devolves into a weird, my dad could beat up your dad, but with gods. That's just like, oh yeah, Satan can make me in a mortal. Oh yeah, well Jesus is my Lord and Savior. And they're having this incredibly intense talk again,

as we hinted at before with an inflatable cartoon ghost hanging just behind her head. Yeah. I would say looming. It's like they tried, they were like, how can we make it more in the bearings? I feel like the ghost was awkward. I felt like the ghost was, I should leave. I'm sorry. You guys, thank you. Going through, I really just came here to hang out and lick some blankets, hang out with guys. Yeah. It seems like it's got Halloween. Happy Halloween, bye. No, the ghost, I expected him to have lines. He was such a big part of this scene.

So Lindsay's like, well, if you want to save Ronnie, you have to go to Harvey's house. Maybe you should wear a ball gag and some shackles. So he runs out of there like a kid that just got out of a car and needed to pee the whole time. Right? Like the awkward Gary Busy run that he does on the way out of there is amazing. I want him to run back in. Oh, and by the way, stop eating my food when I write my name on it. That's not cool. If you want to buy house milk, we can buy house milk, but it's this. All right, I'll kill you later. Bye. All right. So meanwhile, back at Harvey's place, they're initiating Ronnie into the Satanic cult proper.

And Ronnie's like, David, who's right about you, you are Satanists. And they're like, well, fucking duh, dude. And there's this great moment in this scene where he goes, well, but I believe in Jesus and Harvey slaps Ronnie and Ronnie falls down. Yes. But then Ronnie does the fat guy get up, believe in Jesus and Harvey slaps Ronnie and Ronnie falls down. But then Ronnie does the fat guy get up, which is fuck I do this whenever I lie down. It's just like, all right.

It's easy to send it earthward. It's not so easy to get it back up again. And you watch all these actors just patiently wait for this. Yeah. It's trouble back up to his feet. It's fucking amazing. It's 20 minutes of the guy being like, oh, oh, oh back up to his feet. It's fucking amazing. It's 20 minutes of the guy being like, oh, oh, try to use the desk, but then it fell a little while.

So he's gonna tuck my legs under me. Like he might as well try to do a Kip up and then like fall on it. Oh, my God. So, yeah. So he finally struggles his fat cellulite mountain self to a fucking stand. And just then Dave comes pulling up to save his buddy. So they rush Ronnie off. Dave walks into the house, doesn't knock or anything. So if they like shoot him now, that would be legal. And then we have, this is how stupid this goddamn movie is. So he walks into the house.

He's like, Ronnie, Ronnie, where are you, Ronnie? Harvey comes in. He uses Satan magic to like make a candle light itself. And then he turns on the light. I want to do so badly to break character because he like the candle and then he'd be like I'm so sorry Carol can you get that. And then I want to be clear here. His evil monologue is to give Dave a performance review and let him. I mean to be fair that's pretty hellish like if I walked in somewhere and someone was just like great so I prefer to give a compliment, that's pretty hellish. Like if I walked in somewhere and someone was just like, great, so I prefer to give a compliment sandwich.

I'd be like, oh, God, please. Please just rape me and slip my throat. That seems so much nicer than management ease. So Dave is like, well, you wait till Jesus gets here. He's gonna be so mad. And this is when fucking Harvey pulls out his nerf gun. Oh yeah. Oh it was such a cute gun. I mean, not that I'm a gun queen. But like it was a cute gun. I think he could do some damage with that gun. He didn't.

No, no funny. He was a shower, not a shooter. I mean, it was very cute. I mean, Harvey was doing okay. He has that big boss gun money. Yeah, he goes to shoot him and it clicked it quote unquote clicks. It doesn't click. No, it might as well squeak like a dog toy. He looks at his, he looks at the gun as if to say,

damn it, this gun is an obvious toy. Right. But he goes like a so then fucking Dave ninjas his way out of the hold. These other two guys have on them. This amazing ninja moment that he has. Oh, God, it's amazing. His, he, one guy falls down just because Dave does like an arm swivel. He, he, the other one, but one of them, he literally just like moves his arm in a circle

and the guys like, and I'm down. Yeah. Yeah. Stateness don't know how to fight. Uh, clearly not. So, okay, so he runs off. He ninjas his way out. He runs off and Harvey's like, don't worry about him.

I'll just call somebody with my enormous 1990s phone to make sure they know he's coming. I wanted so badly for him to be like, hey, Satan, yeah, we lost another one. Sorry. Yeah. Well, I'm just as upset as you are. Okay. Okay. Well, I'm with people right now. So we'll talk about this later. Okay. I love you. Bye. Bye. So now, all right. Now he goes home to write this letter that's been like, write the whole movie so far has been the narration of the letter. So they have to go full circle. But if you think about it, the idea that he would

go home at this point, write, write a letter is the most insanely stupid thing he could possibly. This is the worst time in the movie to have him write a fucking letter. His friend is about to be sacrificed and he goes home, writes a letter to no one calls the cop to give him the letter. You know how you can hand people letters or mail them letters. But that's what we think he's gonna give the cop, but when the cop gets there, he gives him a Bible with some highlighted passages in it. I mean, of course, black people are postal workers.

And he saw it. I just got this guy black aisle deliver any message I have to authorities. He's black. I do. Okay. Right. Right. No, I'll give him a tip.

They like it when you tip them. So yeah, and this is where we learn by the way that they think private detective is a type of police officer because he's very clearly in a police station looking at Xeroxed copies of his dead sister. Xeroxes of his dead sister. What is it? Wages aren't high there. I guess it is economically depressed. It feels like a Trump county. Yeah. make anxiety is high. You can, you can see why he was so excited about that 20 grand a year earlier. Yeah. So Dave calls him, calls the detective and he goes, um, you know, hey, you got to come and

get this from me. He's like, what is it? He's like, I don't have time to talk on the phone. He's like, then why did you call me on the fucking phone, then? Jesus. He's like, come in the next 15 minutes and come to the back door. He's like, you don't know where I am. Like, what are the odds that I'd be 15 minutes away from you? I feel like they're low. Yeah, I don't know where you are. Yeah. Well, anyway. So meanwhile, as he's

sat in the sup with the detective, Harvey is torturing Ronnie into not loving Jesus anymore. And he's torturing him by going, who is the master? And I'm not the only one who shouted show enough, right? Please tell me I'm not the only one who screams show. I'm too respected by thought it, but I just shout it. Okay. Well, I shouted it because I commit, I commit to show enough being the master. So all right, so Dave is waiting for the cop to show up, but he's bad at it. So he goes outside and search of a nondiscripped noise. He thinks he heard. He walks around the back porch for like, he says, eight times, he's like, Hey, Ren, is that you? Is that you? And it was. It's like, why didn't you answer the first

seven times he asked you, asshole? Anyway, so he's like, you said you had some information for me. He's like, here you go. And he's like, this is a Bible. And he's like, yeah, read Ecclesiastes nine and 13. And then read Revel and he's like, Oh, man, are you fucking, I had a Bible. You could have just told me these numbers. I could have just gone to a fucking hotel. And that he'll not affect any other part of the movie, by the way, it's not like he's going to like throw the Bible at someone's neck at the last minute. No, yeah, this, this will never serve a purpose. And he says, what is this all about? He says, you said no questions ask him, like, no, he did not been watching the movie that, that never, no one ever said that. Anyway. So

now we see, we have to watch the night, right? From before walking down the road, all, um, they were going for bad ass, I guess. Yeah, but the, but the result is actually armor looks hard to walk in. This is the one time I wanted to hear the camera audio. Yeah, right. Just scraping along those concrete streets and just then the Satan is show up to kidnap Dave. All right. So Dave wakes up and he's gagged, but not in a way that would like dissuade you from talking. He's not gagged.

They tied a scarf around his mouth. Yes. In his mouth. As a dick. They just like a blindfold. You know, you put a blindfold on a child to play pin the tail on the donkey. They've done that with his mouth.

Yes. They basically upgraded his wardrobe. Yeah. They basically moved his bandana down to his mouth. Yes. They basically upgraded his wardrobe. Yeah. They basically moved his bandana down to his mouth. That's right. Right. All right. So he wakes up in an office. He starts shaking, trying to shake his, his gag off, which again, he just could have also just talked with it on. Um, but there's a, there's a dude outside an Asian guy who is apparently very excited about torturing him, but because these guys don't know how torture worked, all they could think of was that the guy takes off his belt and comes into like spank Dave.

Like was that what we were going to see here? Yeah, I might be giving too much away, but when he put the belt around his hand, I was just like, Oh, so this is his special friend. I don't know. It was the first time I was like, Oh, okay. Yeah. They got belts. We're getting some 50 shades of gray, Kieran the blind. The Satanists have a great ad in this movie. So yeah, but, but so the guy comes into spank him and has a heart attack midway through.

Yep, that's what this movie could think of. He has a heart attack. The night appears, says I'm a guardian angel. And that is it. And that's the moment I gave up on white Jesus, white God. Wait, I never believed any of those existed, but that's the moment that I was like, okay, so white people get angels when they're in trouble. I see you. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, exactly. Couldn't, couldn't spare one for Freddie Gray, but we've got one here to stop this guy from getting spanked by a belt and also like up until now, we just assumed that the fucking suit of armor dude was a metaphor. He just walked into the movie. I expected to Dave to turn around and go like, I thought you were just a metaphor. And for him to say, yeah, me too. I really didn't expect that I would show up and weird off

pitting right okay I'm literally gone from the movie now right no I won't come back later no I'm done all right so he gets out of his ropes now the guys of the bad guys are going to sacrifice body so he's got to like drive really close or whatever. Um, but first we have to get the satanic ritual starting, right? It's like, you know, Harvey's going around going, all right, guys, human sacrifice time, getting excited, getting excited. I thought he was going to read minutes from the last meeting, just like, okay, everyone, we're going to sacrifice the mortal to Satan. But first, quick reminder, our mixer is on Friday. It's singles only. So bring a friend. We definitely need ladies. So, you know, you know, you know, the cute ladies. And then we're going to sacrifice the mortal just for clarity.

Okay, little bit more old news though. Yeah, right. And because we're trying to make it suspenseful here, right? Because they have to give a Dave time to drive up so that they're going like, all right, step three, fold the egg. What? What? I don't get it. Yeah. So, all right.

So like fucking Harvey standing there like, Satan will win the universe as soon as I kill Ronnie and the next scene dot, dot, dot, I'm not supposed to say the dots. They're okay. All right. This is also, by the way, when we learned that it's devil night. So hey, there'm not supposed to say the dots. They're okay. All right. This is also, by the way, when we learned that it's devil night. So, hey, there was a reason this was in Michigan. Huh? And no one's in costume. No one can run into on the street is celebrating Halloween. There's no candy. I found it disheartening. Yeah. There's no burning buildings in the background or anything. They're doing, they're doing devil's

night terribly. Okay. So Dave is driving to help Ronnie. We actually have to stop. We have to watch Dave stop and check his map. This is insane. The amount I delay that happens before he makes it to the same thing. He might as well stop at a cute little diner and get a burger and like have a chat with the waitress. This could not be more dragged out or boring. I think they'd stop and check the map. Yeah. All right. So the so he's driving along. The Satanists are doing Satan drugs with their Satan needles. Detective dude, by the way, the cop dude is there with the Satanists Right so unless he plans on just watching them murder Ronnie Ronnie's fine

He does swillard plan on just watching them murder Ronnie though. They do I mean if you I get it He's just He was like I let him kill themselves. He just had to like see what would happen. He's working from the inside. It's not his problem. I get it. He gives the Harvey, gives the knife to Lindsay, and he's like, Lindsay, it's your big day. You're going to be the one to do the stabbing. And then She again wall Dave is creeping up infinitely slowly. We are going so much more fast than this movie does as he's creeping up

She stabs him, right? Yeah, yeah, why is he not dead? Well, right and why does the cop not do anything about it when she starts inserting a knife into a human? Yeah. I mean, it's like the cops never do anything about white-owned white violence. Well, I'm just saying, if you could organize your communities around this, they don't really mean me. Where are the fathers? Where are the fathers of these white? Where are the mothers? All I see are sisters of sisters of girlfriends. Yeah. Where are the Holy Fathers? All right. So yeah. So Dave, by the way, is sneaking up, Ronnie has already stabbed. So if they had any intention of killing him, he'd be done. Dave is meanwhile sneaking up like a marine going underneath the barbed wire

or something, dragging himself along on the elbows. And like, and this is clearly unnecessary, right? Like the director's going, dude, you can just kind of walk, you know, he might as well do some assaults, just like some assault all the way over there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Or do backflips like in the fucking power rangers, or backhand springs all the way in. Um, yeah, so Harvey, so Dave sneaks up. He grabs Ronnie, who is already stabbed. And he goes to leave, but they're like, hey, man, he's stealing our human sacrifice. Get him. So they get him. And that's when the cops like, fuck, I should do something now, huh?

Right. Let's get out on 450 people. He's just like, all right. Me versus all of you. This is gone. Now that there's two white people that are gonna die, this is gone far and yeah, right. And okay, so Harvey turns to him and he says, he's like, you know, back up, Copa, you're not dealing with the human world You're dealing with the spirit world. There's nowhere you can hide from us to which Dave yells except in Jesus

Okay, it's the best it's such a weird off topic Interruption he's like you cannot stop us, but Jesus can all right. You know what man? I said Just saying Jesus so so then the movie almost becomes my favorite film in the entire history of the world right here because Harvey Yells he's like Satan sent for the warrior and a demon begins to rise from below their tarp Now I'm expecting at this moment. Oh my god We're gonna see the night fight a demon and it's gonna be a crappy rubber demon costume And that's gonna be amazing, but they couldn't afford the crappy rubber demon costume

So instead Dave just grabs the knife and stabs Harvey before the demon can get out from under the tarp and that's it. That's the end of the movie. Yeah, that's literally the end of the movie is one of the characters just goes but there you go, you're dead now villain and the movie But there you go, you're dead now, villain. End the movie. And the police intervention, even though a private detective or a detective is on scene, and we assume a police officer. So he, right. So yeah, and then all the other Satanist scramble, by the way, all of the accessories to these

various murders just run off. The cop doesn't bother to go after them. He just stands there over top of the dying guy and has a quick dialogue with him. And of course, right before he dies, Harvey's like, I may be dead, but Satanic cults are really a thing that rational people should worry about anyway. And then he dies. He might as well go buy my book. And and that's the end of the movie. Yeah, right. Everybody from the movie tells us we need to put on our armor of God and fight against the Satanist. And then we get a quote, right?

This is from David Evans. This is the director of the film. By the way, the guy who plays the detective, right? So despite all of the latent racism in this movie, like he was the guy who wrote, produced and directed this, that this is scary black. I didn't, I didn't say black people couldn't be in racist against. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, absolutely. David Evans proves that. Yeah. If you need any proof, it was internalized, it was internalized racism all along. Yeah.

Oh, take off the mask. Oh, yeah, there it was. Yeah, right. Exactly. That was the twist ending of this movie. But the self hatred is coming from inside the house. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but all those black people in the Satan cult make sense, those were his cousins. I was like, listen, man, I got pizza.

Yeah, exactly, right. All right. So and then of course, the quote from him here is like, sure couldn't have made this movie without God's help. I'm like, I'm sure God is fine without the co author credit on this one. And then we reach like, like, like, say probably the funniest moment in the book or in the entire movie, which is the literary references in the credits, which is the Bible and a bunch of ridiculous satanic panic books from 1985 to 1992. And I can't help all of them.

All of them have some form of this person was a criminal or this book had to be retracted for lying. Yeah, right. All of them. Yeah. All right. So one thing I think we can all agree with as we're closing this up is that the whole point of this movie was Mike got himself a super sweet night costume. This movie was amazing. I'm going to do whatever I

have to do to inspire a follow up. So my question for you guys to close things off. I want to get the most from my money. So to get the best possible second film from these guys, what outfit should I buy for Mike, asless chaps. I'll, I'll chaps your ass. It's, it's inherent in, in chaps. All the chaps I own are past. I mean, I, I would prefer chaps that have an ass that you cut out. So someone felt like they could do a good day's work. I, I would love to see them dressed up as that giant teddy bear or the teddy bear that was

in the closet. There you go. Just do some really intense furry play. Oh, yeah. Like whole movie, furry play. Then they could brag about different things. Yeah. Yeah. No, the animal sacrifices would be all kinds of difference. They'd be stabbing them in all kinds of different ways. See, I was thinking of like maybe getting them kung fu outfits

because they were so racially sensitive that I figured they would do a great job with Asian closure as well. All right. Well, that's going to do it for a review of the night of day. I still before we close off, I have to thank Keisha once more for hanging out with us. Keisha's been a blast. Really love having you hang out. And I apologize that every time that we do hang out, it's because you had to watch a shitty movie like this. Your apology is accepted. Oh, awesome. And if our listeners want to hear some more from you, see a little more of you, where should they go? You can go to my podcast, a-i-lpodcast.com, Applying it liberally. We are on iTunes. You can also check out my writing skills on 1130 at Comedy Central, the opposition with Jordan Klepper. And you can go to Kisha Zoller.com

and just like learn about me. Oh, yeah, Kisha, K E I S H A Z. That's on Twitter, and still, and everything else, I guess. Awesome. Awesome. And of course, we'll have the podcast as well as your website linked on the show notes for the episode. Thank you once again, Kesha. Thank you. And of course, that's all we've got for this week, but we still have to renew our weekly contract. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Samson.

Oh, field trip, huh? And go in the theaters to watch some gay porn. Yeah. It looks like a porn. I don't know what it looks like. It does. Yeah. So with gay porn to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 130 to a merciful clothes. Once it gets a huge thanks to Keisha for hanging out with us today. And perhaps even a huge

of thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a prepsote donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the Skating Atheist, Citation Needed, and the Scepticrat, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematics, suggestions, you can email Godoff on

movies.gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the offices of P. Android Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik and Vivo's Raps on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and Wash use permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen, right Neely, Bosnik, Amin O'oleus, who's promising to work hard and earn another truck next week until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. David was bald as fuck within a year of this filming. Satan waited all day under that trampoline for nothing, for nothing.

We waited all day under that trampoline for nothing. For nothing. The detective was shot by the police, but was let into White Heaven anyway. That was nice. That was nice. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2018, all rights reserved. of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2018, all rights reserved.