God Awful Movies - 131: Samson

Episode Date: February 20, 2018

This week, Heath and Eli team up with Mark and Dan from How-To Heretic for a review of _Samson_. And we're all still covered with oil and honey since we recorded together. If you'd like to hear more from Mark and Dan, click here: https://howtoheretic.com/ Next week's movie is Invisible Enemies: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1229783/ If you’d like to pick up a copy of our new ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And then he's totally hidden from the crowd by the door and it's less like And it was more like you had paid some guy to haul an old garage door to the dump and he's just pulling out of the driveway and slowly scraping into the darkness like That was the miracle and he's got that really that really dramatic line where he's like let them witness Let them witness the power of the living God for all their door removal and disposal need movie. Welcome back to God awful movies for each week. We watch another terrible religious movie because I don't even know at this point. We could just watch good movies sometimes, right? We feel like we could if we wanted whatever. I'm your host, Seethan, right? And sitting 81 miles to my right is that guy your mom makes you be friends with Eli Bosnick. Eli has a go buddy. Well, I thought my two-person birthday party was lovely until just now. So thank you for that.

And each time, and sitting about 2,000 miles to to my left or two very special all-star guests, Mark and Dan from among other things, the very hilarious how-to-heretic podcast. They're both crazy people who did this more than once before with us and somehow they're back again. You might remember most recently from our live episode in Salt Lake City last year. As the guys who were way funnier than us and we're still kind of bitter about it. Mark, Dan, um, don't be so fucking funny this time. It's not a contest. Just taking these serious serious. We do. You have my personal guarantee that I will not be funny this time. We'll do our best. So quick question. No live audience this time. No, not this time. We'll do our best. So quick question, no live audience this time.

No, not this time. We have put several of our patrons on Skype, but they have promised not to talk back. Okay, good. So I just, the downgrade is understood. Let me just adjust my comedy. All right, so it's going to be more of an economy plus fun joke. Okay, go ahead. Like a five, good.

And I want to say, like we usually plug our guest shows, but if you are not listening to how to heretic, you have to, it is my obsession. I have finished every single episode. It's funny, but more importantly, it's kind. And like the thing that's amazing about your guys' show that I love so much is it's so about your guys' show that I love so much. Is it so fucking kind and nice and good? It's just good show and it's, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when I listen to it. So you're going to give us a reposition. If any of our listeners haven't heard it, go check it out. It's not just for like new atheists, it's for everybody. It's fucking amazing. Can I just say also just for this episode of God awful movies, people may want to pause this show and go listen to our most recent

show because we do a breakdown of the actual biblical story of Samson. Oh, she did. I've blown what we're going to watch now. I'm sorry. You exposed everything. But it's a great primer for what we're about to get into. Fantastic. Well, speaking of which, tell us then, what are we going to be breaking down today? Well, if I hadn't just given it away. Today we watched the movie, Samson. It's the story about how diplomacy is for idiots and

pussies and only ask kicking can ever actually save the day it may or maybe it's just a movie about how dramatically you have to change the bible to make sure any of its stories room are remotely palatable to a modern audience it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it was this movie? Well if you love the Bible badly concealed praying mantis aliens and you are super Super gay

We'll love this movie really need the last part though. Let me clarify As you do not need that last part and And Mark, I like how you go right to Mark after that. Okay. And Mark, how bad was this movie in comparison to the last one we made you watch, which to remind everyone was the epic Mormon time traveling, hate crime classic passage to Zara Hamla. Well, I'd say if the passage to Zara Hamla was the benchmark for the movies, y'all have built this podcast on, then pure Flix and Samson is the citizen cane of Christian cinema.

Every and I mean every shot was in focus. The music was pretty good. I never saw an Israelite with an obvious kitchen towel on their heads. They had like sci-fi channel level visual effects. So how bad was this movie? It was terrible. But in gamcast adjusted terms, it was like watching the godfather. And if you're gluten intolerant, you cannot watch this movie. We'll, that is correct. We will definitely get to that. And's so, is there anything you guys like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I mean, I handed out it before, but I'm going to nominate it for best worst, complete

rewriting of the source material. Basically, they just, they knew that they couldn't make a movie that was actually the real story. But yeah, they make Samson seem like a reasonable human, which of course has nothing to do with the Bible at all. Literally, they go to Kubrick levels of changing the story of the girl. Well, my best worst, and I'm a movie guy, so I notice these things. There's a certain foam rock in this movie.

And I grew up in the 70s and 80s watching original Star Trek and Land of the Lost. I know bad foam rocks, but this foam boulder, Samson picks up is the Michael Phelps of shitty foam rock. It is like total best foam rock Oscar bait. I can't wait to see if they win this year. rock Oscar bait. I can't wait to see if they win this year. Excellent answer. I'm going to say best worst beards. Actually, just worst beards. It's just amazing. And honestly, I got to say, this is in stark contrast to the beard of Eli Bosnick. I recently touched it. He has the most luscious new beard. I haven't been I can't stop thinking about it. It was like silky and buttery. It was like God's pubes. It was amazing. You're

turning it all right now. The key is to butter it four times a day. I was wondering I butter it four times a day. It's all those hipsters in Brooklyn making all that good beard butter. So my best worst, we need to get it out of the way now. Best worst alien, very obviously pretending to be a human actor. Of course, I'm talking about the actor who plays Samson, Taylor James, who listeners may recognize from an uncredited appearance in Justice League. Right. Nick from Christmas Eve, Howard's happy place, a TV short where he played a centurion, a

big, simulant advisor on Reddorf in 2012. And now the main character in Samson. I don't know whose church this guy's go to if there was a lifting contest we want to or maybe he'd like someone needed some wood cut on their front lawn. He offered his cheekbones. He could not more obviously be an alien in like a nice expensive human suit, but then like he saved money on the face. He was like, no, I want all out on the torso $10 on the face. It's kind of like he's unfrozen caveman lawyer as call Drogo. Absolutely ridiculous. Look, exams, character and several others who will also get to All right, well if I'm being perfectly honest, I was really just paying attention to what I could hear from the next theater over

When we watch this it was playing black Panther Not gonna be really much help today just a heads up for everyone Um anyway, we're gonna pause for a quick break and when we come back, Mark Dan and Eli are going to tell you all about the distracting noise that made me miss a bunch of Black Panther that is Samsung. Captain. Hi, Taylor, right? You're playing Samsung. Yeah, Mark, isn't it?

Yeah, super excited to have you on the movie. So in this scene, you're buying some wool at the local market. Got it. And we're going to take your shirt off to try on some of those shirts. Okay. Okay. And then Thelonius comes to talk to you. I see. And so I put my shirt back on. No, no, no, it's continuity. You see, it's probably best if you leave it off. Right continuity. Yeah, so then you turn and Rachel spills this honey all over you. That's just going to get all over.

So you really just, you just got to smear it all down and, you know, sorry, what does that have to do with the plot of the, the main? Well, Phineas sees this and he gets crazy angry. Oh, I see and and Finneas. He's the villain. No, no, he's he's just a guy and and he gets crazy angry and just he wrestles you to the ground and just licks the honey off you just entirely. I see. I play Finneas. Okay. I clicked in yes. Okay. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start this one off with that sweet, sweet, pureflex logo.

And usually that means we have about 10 seconds until we get some anti-Semitism or some Islamophobia. And this movie was even faster and I'm pretty sure we got both right away. It's impressive. We start off in 1170 BC, ancient Israel. We just we get a bunch of what is this? The Philistines in Gaza having a little service and making fun of the Hebrews. Yeah. All, I don't know why, but in every pure Flix movie when they did an ancient Israel villain, they're wearing eye makeup. Like that is the key for every villain

in a pure Flix movie as eye makeup. They're hoors. Yep. I feel like that's just like religious movie code for these are brown people. Somehow they're supposed to, like, yes, I get that they're white actors people somehow they're supposed to like yes I get that they're white actors, but they're supposed to be brown in some way and we don't know exactly how are you getting with that amount of Tanner he is obviously straight from Saudi Arabia my friend look at Billy is saying

This is when they're bringing in offerings to the god right to the daygun Mm-hmm And I just I love I love the abundance that they're bringing in like three celery stocks and enough wheat for a crouton. Right. So they're having this little ceremony. And at the same time, we see some people, we see a guy being lowered down on a rope into a pantry area of the church and he's stealing corn, right? Except the way that it's lit. The first thing I saw, like we see this guard sleeping and just inside the chamber that he's guarding,

this beam of light comes down and a purr, like I guess maybe it's, I'm too used to Mormon movies at this point, but I was sure that an angel was appearing to this guard to tell him that there's like golden plates in his backyard or something. Right, but yeah, it's just this guy dropping in Mission Impossible style and he's stealing stuff. And we learn in a minute that this is Samson's brother, correct? And Samson is the guy who's pulling them on the rope. Yeah.

Right, because the best thing you can do with a biblical movie is make sure that everyone understands right from the jump that the protagonist is a thief. Exactly. And I thought this was weird. They're telling riddles as they do this. I thought this is a weird moment for it was like he's whisperin like pull me back up so I don't get my like dick cut off by this guard and he's like on my way to say nives shut the fuck up.

We need to talk about these riddles because the riddles in this movie look riddles are hard. I get it. I got fooled by Baba Brinkman's riddle in any CSS a couple of years ago. People get fooled by riddles, but the people who wrote this movie have no idea what riddles are so they're just like at night I'm there during the day I'm not what am I how to know a variety of things. Crossing guard how the fuck do I know. Well in fairness to them the Bible the reason that the riddling is part of this whole thing is because the Bible presents us later with the worst riddle that's ever been written.

So easily, I feel like the going away at night thing or whatever is actually much superior to the original, to the one that we're're gonna get to that is actually from the Bible. So stupid. Right. So as you mentioned, this is where we meet Samson and we meet him in, I think possibly the clumsiest way we've ever had a character introduced in these movies, which is that villains come up and they go, Hey, that's Samson. The antagonist of our movie.

Yep. And, uh, so real quick, we started to talk about it already. That's Samson, the antagonist of our movie. Yep. And so real quick, we started to talk about it already. Can we talk about Samson's physical appearance a little bit more? Let's do. He is, first of all, he's dressed like a a burlap-themed pro wrestler. Yeah, as soon as we saw his face, I thought, oh my God, it's the prettiest Neanderthal. And I thought, you know, if Dawkins, for whatever reason, happens to see this movie and he sees Samson, he's going to say, I must possess that skull. The entire symphony of human evolution is expressed in that one magnificent god, bring me it. Yeah, that dude definitely like his favorite machine at the gym has got to be the eyebrow machine. He just, he hits that thing so fucking hard. He's got a forehead pack like dude is ripped.

Sure, but I think he injects the steroids directly into that brow of his. Yeah, if I, if I can ever afford a personal trainer, I'm going to bring a picture of me and a picture of this actor and I'm going to be like, okay, so not this picture of me, but not this picture. I don't want to lose the chromosome. All right. Whatever. I want to lift so hard that like a Neanderthal can fuck me and not have a disabled, right?

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, to gain a unibrow, but to lose a chromosome, I mean, it's the actual question. And here's the thing, he's supposed to be an Israelite, right? He's supposed to be of like the Hebrew tribe, but he looks like a mix of all the races in the world except that, honestly. He looks like, like, I'm going to call him Jew Diamond Phillips for the rest of it. He got an interesting thing going on. Not only that, but he's standing there at all of like, you know, 64 and 290 with his brother who's like, 5, 8 Eric Stoltz

nor Weijen guy. So he lists his brother off the the guards catch them kind of. And this is where we learn the most beautiful part of this movie, which is that they made a movie about a warrior and nobody knew fight choreography. And this is where we will see that all of the fight choreography in this movie is shoving. It's a chase scene, but just shoving. It's like a car chase, but he's the car and shoving is the aim. Just like, ma, he's the extras be like, how that really hurt. Ma. It's a known fact though.

I do have to give them credit for this. They're trying to escape from these these philestines or chasing them and they run into the temple and into the the crowd of people and to get away samson just starts sort of rearranging people in the crowd just a random re arranging like they'll never find us if i just keep doing this i'm a full head taller than everyone but if i just move you over here and then this girl goes here, he was smart to be in Pocahontas drag at this point.

The braids and the buckskin, I'm like, people with properly working vision made this movie, right? So yeah, I see you moving people around, but that ultimate warrior right there, I see you. Pink stuff coming down, it's very clear what's happening. You're the one who looks like Pocahontas found all the ancient supply of HGH. I found you right there. Yeah. So they have this J-scene through the city, which is entirely populated by people with Apple carts.

That's the only job in the city. They run through it. Did you see a guy selling four carrots? Actually, a book where a guy is selling four carrots and nothing else. There were some carrot cards too. Yeah. Yeah. And just a whole bunch of body checks, which, yeah, which is brand new to this actor and everybody in the movie. He's just like laughing during each one. He's like, what, so I just smashed into you. I don't know, I don't know what's happening, whatever. Yeah. At the end of this scene, you could be forgiven for believing that you were actually just watching a wacky comedy about gay thieves.

I remember his brother, his brother, like, does the Scooby-Doo thing where he runs through someone else's clothes and he comes out dressed as a woman? He's like, we will never speak of this again. Ha! Fag! So funny. So funny Christian movie woman Right, so they get away finally and they run out of the city or whatever they run to North Dakota and finally and they run out of the city or whatever. They run to North Dakota. And they, in North Dakota, wherever they go. And then we cut over to Samson's home village.

And this is where we meet some of the Hebrew tribe. This is where we meet. They're insanely exaggerated villains. Yes. It's an ancient Christian movie, which means that there have to be not Jews taking a tax that is too high, right? And the way that they introduce this is they have a character named Tobias, and I just want to say right now, Toby rough name to give your baggy guy.

That's my no. Don't give your don't give your baggy guy guy the name to, but Toby comes forward and he's like, please, you must leave us something and the villain who you can tell us a villain because he is wearing raccoon levels of eye makeup says here, you shall never go hungry again and then stabs him and then he looks at everyone like to see what I did there because he did. I had him as gay Eddie better. Adam as a Ben Marjero went larping. He looked like a evil wizard or something. He's got this three prong beard, which like the beards are pretty bad already, but this is maybe the worst one. It's pretty crazy. I want them so badly to be like going through Samson stuff. They find all his

protein powder and Celsius or and they're just like, all right, this doesn't come on. Yeah. And Prince Rala is, is this character's name, by the way, he's the prince of the local part of Philistine or Gaza or wherever they are. And he's in charge taking the taxes. And so he has to get killed and he only talks in evil cliches throughout the whole movie. So this time he's like, see death in taxes, right? What? Haha. So he has to get killed. And from there, we, we go over to Samson's house where he grew up

and we meet his mom and dad. Oh, and I got to say this is, this is so heartbreaking because Mr. Samson is played by Rutger Hauer and Mrs. Samson is played by Lindsey Wagner. What? And they were right back from Blade Runner and the Bionic woman, which is shitty, but remember both of those characters were highly engineered super humans. So could that be on purpose that there's sense that kind of for me.

That's a lot of sense. Rutger, what did you have go like, do you need a boat man? Why? Why? Right. I get Lindsey Wagner. I get it.

It's been a rough 20 years, but Rutger hour, you're not still getting those residuals. You don't get that check every month when it plays on TNT. Come on. You're better than this. He needed that sweet, sweet pure, flix money that they're dulling out. Rucker, Howard had a leading part in the dark night. What is he doing here? But so depressing. But so he meets mom and dad and they have the conversation that every Jewish son knows, you know, the you were called by God's speech And I ran and I don't know I think I'm the only Jew But like we all know this conversation with mom and dad like you're the chosen one God has anointed you

It's just it's really hard and there's just this amazing moment here where mom goes you're not like other Hebrews And I wanted her so badly to be like your native American like other Hebrews and I wanted her so badly to be like, you're Native American. No, shit, mom, I'm a foot taller than everyone I've ever met. I thought he was going to say, oh, you mean I, I tip and never bitch about the thermostat. I just like the moment where they're like, you have a special purpose. And he's like, what if I don't want to play football, dad? He wants to be a pirate. Yeah, he's not happy about it. He's part of the prophecy.

He's got a pissed about it. Also, the brother's here real quick. I want to talk about the brother, his appearance too. He has one of the more ridiculous spirits as well. It's got one braid in it, one corn row, his single corn row. Yeah. He's like a rabbi He's singing. One. Yeah.

He's like a rabbi went to club med and got that one stupid braid on the beach and he's bearded. So someone sold him an aspirin pill with a sharpie drawn on it and he was just like, wow, what's great about the beards for me is that they don't get longer throughout the show. They get bigger. Yes. That's a thing. Like the passage of time, they just keep growing out. I don't know what that is. They get faker. They somehow get more faker. Right. So now we met the whole family. We move over to the palace. And this one, I am going to interject once one thing real quick, though, because we, I do want to point

out that that was where we learned that Samson did not get his British accent from his parents who could not pull that off at all. Right. Or his height or his pigmentation or anything really. He's a skeleton. Nothing to genetics or to, there's nothing to nature or nurture is it nature or nurture the answer is no uh... no

right so uh... we move over the palace now and we're meeting the king of the area and that is billy zane we are a minute uh... this is this is perfect billy zane looks like all the travel band countries at once and then it is perfect. Okay, so we need to talk about Billy's day, right? Billy's day, first of all, he's wearing the silliest crown ever. He's like, he's like, like they went to medieval times as a cast and they were like, no, you can keep it.

And he was like, can I put it in the movie? And they were like, I mean, plastic. Do you want this fake holder to wait for it? Wait for it. But there is a twist, which is that they actually found a crown that was bigger than Billy Zane's comically large head. So that's pretty impressive. They did. Most of them tough. So now that we've met the King, we learn that he's kind of mad about this whole prophecy about Samson. And he tells his son, that's Prince Rala, Bam Marjaregaai, he needs to kill Samson. And we cut over to the outskirts of the village again where the Hebrew tribe lives. And we learned that that BAM has hired a new street fighter guy from Egypt to to bait Samson out in a fight. I guess, you know,

he wants him to be part of ancient Israeli WWF. Right. And it's what's amazing about this scene is that this is supposed to be a trap for Samson and as it will turn out in the plot, this has nothing to do with the trap for Samson. They're just like checking to see if he could fight. Right. But the trap is, and gentlemen, correct me if I'm wrong in this, we get a fighter, we gather a bunch of Jews in a circle somehow. He challenges them all to fight, wins, and Samson won't be able to help himself

but to fight the Egyptian. That's right. That's right. It's big. Well, what's amazing about it is that like this is the one moment in the entire movie where Samson is spoiling for a fight where he's like, Oh, fuck, I'm not going to turn that down. I will definitely fight this guy. The entire rest of the movie, when he should fight every turn, every step of the way he tries to weasel out. He's like, no, no, no. I think probably it's better if I use my intellect on this one, rather than fighting. I mean, God gave me unlimited power in my muscles, but I feel like talking is the way. Or he's just chasing some pus.

That's the other thing. He's always trying to get out of fight and force. And then it's a small thing, but when he runs to this fight to fight the Egyptian, he's got super dark hair and they had this like flesh colored scrunchy. And it just looked at the weirdest fall spot all the time. I couldn't figure it out. It's the best. Also, so they introduced the Egyptian guy. He's beating up some Jews.

And I just want to say, I don't want to be that guy, but Jews, not great fighters. I don't see why everyone kept taking him up. If a guy right now was just like, I will fight all the Jews. I'd be like, all right, man, like do you ever want to be in a newspaper? Because I can control that.

Like, I don't want to play on my court. You want to be in a newspaper because I can control that like Play on my court you want play some fucking chess. I got Bobby Fisher I do like the idea the way that he goes him in is the whole yeah your god is weak You're weak and your god is weak and Samson then comes out of the crowd and goes our god is not weak And I'll prove it in the only way that can possibly be proven through horrific violence. God is love. But then he's trying to impress his special lady friend that will meet there, which I call off brand Rachel Dratch. Yes.

And he takes the first punch while he's like, make an eyes out of her. I call her Dr. Lindsay Doe Eyes. You guys know Lindsay Doe from Sexplanation? Oh, Dr. Doe. Yes. She's locked, Dr. Lindsay Doe Eyes is what I call her. So yeah, he's flirting with her

and he gets punched in the face. So he needs to go super-sand, right? He's going, blah, blah, blah. His hair turns blonde and stands on hand. All the thunder noises coming. That's why we know that he's summoning Molner, Molner, the magic war hammer. Oh, wait, sorry, wrong superhero. I'm sorry. I love what they were going for here is like the man of steel, like levitating pebble thing, a magic effect, but they had no money. So they just kind of wait

until he gets low blood sugar in his hand, start shaking. That's the entirety of the effect that God is inhabiting him with strength. They just keep putting off lunch and they're like, one second, Taylor. I'm so hungry. Yeah. And this one, Black Panther puts on a vibranium suit or something. I was hard to hear, but I was like, right, the next theater channel. I don't remember that. I don't remember that. Okay. Cool.

So it gets super strength. Beats up the guy and this is the fake rock. Oh, mama. Mark, take us. Oh, my God. Well, the most hilarious thing is they are in a environment of all real rocks, right? And so rather than spending $20 more dollars to have a sculptor make it look like the rock in the environment, it looks like it's like a Volkswagen-sized booger that

he picks up and it is so hilarious. And in this great moment of drama, I, we, we both burst out laughing in the theater. It was gorgeous. It was, it might as well be a bean bag chair. If he had a bean bag chair, it would have been no less ridiculous. Yeah, it was a pillow fight. It was a huge, weird pillow fight. He might as well play Hockey sack with this fucking glacier. He picks up. I know. And then hit the guy with it. But he doesn't, he doesn't hit the guy. I do want to point out he was totally going to squish that guy though. Like if we just, just forget that the road, the boulder would look fake. Let's just assume that he, that this goes on. He was literally going to kill

that man until the, until the, the fight promoter came up and was like, Oh, no, no, here's your money. Here's your money. Don't kill him. But because he was a Jew, he took the money and put the boulder. Exactly. Right. Just like George Soros. So that was good. We didn't end up being a straight up murderer. I guess that's nice. But you know, there are these moments in the movie. If you refer to the actual Bible story, they try to put the best possible shine on the story's super fucked up portrayal as of Samson as equal parts horn dog and ultra violent genocidal racist. So there's this weird, they're trying so hard to not make him look like a murderer in

the scene. And he's just making eyes at the girl like he's a handsome high school quarterback, right? Right. Rather than just an insane person. Yeah. The actual character in the Bible is terrifying. They did their best, but not that well. Yeah.

This entire movie is what if we made our psychopathic monster a superhero? Right. Yeah. And a handsome and a handsome squire that this is really a romcom about genocide. They kind of had to make him a superhero because that was the only story that any of us got in church. It's not like they were telling us the real story of Samson ever when they told it to us. So that's what that's what the people expect. So yeah, he doesn't kill the Egyptian brawler guy. He lets him go fights over and then we We get them going back to mom and dad's and the little brother like tells on Samson for fighting and

Somehow dad is disappointed. I wrote my notes. You raise the human bear and you're mad He takes people up on fighting. What did you want him to do challenge the guy to go? man, he takes people up on fighting. What did you want him to do? Challenge the guy to go? And also, like, there was this weird moment where he's talking about his vows, where he can't, you know, of course, we all know Samson can't cut his hair and he can't drink wine. And then he looks off with Felini's like, and I have kept my vow of not touching the dead.

What? The fuck is the, how did you make it this long in life with resisting that incredible temptation? It's difficult. I don't think I've got to ask anybody who's dead. I'm in too much. I don't have a bow. This podcast feels judgey right now. Why don't we just move on? I don't know. I don't know. We just move on. He likes seeing. Eli, let's explore this. What's up, man? I don't want to talk about it. Sometimes you're at the hospital and you see the life leaves. Someone and you just want, I don't want to get it. I don't want to get into it.

I feel it's isn't safe. Is that why you have a parking spot with your name on it at the morgue? One of the reasons, yes. Also, Rosenberg Hospital owned by a family member. Again, I don't want to talk about it. So dad gets mad, gives him a little lecture, but not entirely a lecture because he's like, at the end, he's like, okay, but off the record, the 30 Egyptian good work, good

work, wait. Like, then we come back to Prince Rala and he's kind of walking away from the village, angry at his Egyptian goon for losing the fight. And that was the most awkward silent chariot ride ever, right? You know, after losing the big game, it's quick. Someone invent the radio so we can turn it on. Oh, he's just looking into the rear view mirror, Megan eye contact with the Egyptian who's looking out the window.

Huh? You want to sand cone? We don't have snow cones yet. You want a sand cone? And don't have snow cones yet. You want to sand cone? And he does his one trick again. He does that like, so I suppose I will let you live in death and they kill the kids and bite her. I'm like, okay. And that guy's thing. And it's really smart. They shoot the amazing fighter because what use could that guy possibly be of? And then they keep an old man and a girl.

Right. Yes, it seems just seems like in the in the hierarchy of people who could be useful as a slave to you, you keep the strongest guy. Yeah, that's just bad slaving. Yeah, you don't keep the valet for the weird fighter guy and kill the fighter guy. That doesn't make any sense. Absolutely. But that's what he does.

And he keeps the slave girl. That does make sense just to be clear. We're all a little more sense. Yeah. So now we come back to Bill Zane, King Bill Zane at his castle, and he's giving honestly a weirdly eloquent speech about how stupid the religious theme of this movie is. He's like a really fanatiest, and he gives a whole lot of speeches about it. Yeah, he's doing his best Marlon Brando, like pointing out that gods are the opiate of the masses. Yes, a snail crawling along the edge of a straight razor. Yeah, it was amazing. It was like, I can't believe that speech was in this movie.

It's like, yes, gods are just a distraction. They're not real. We're the actual gods. This is just to occupy the roots and keep them busy and I was like holy shit Christian movie what are you doing but then to remind us how shitty this movie is you can see the zipper on the cushion on the little couch they borrowed from the remata for the scene it was hilarious it's so amazing and this movie is is through that, by the way. It's every moment. Oh, it's incredible. I do.

It is funny, though. It there are a couple of moments in this movie where it feels like the writer might be one of us who's just trying to lob a couple of grenades over the wall and sneak him past everybody. Because like, yeah, this Billy Zayn's whole monologue is just, you know, the powerful use gods to keep the masses in line, but the masses are just, yeah, it's, it's amazing. It is amazing. And I have to say, this is almost certainly true, because here's the thing, when pure

flex was just like Jesus, bro, and all that crap, I get it. But like they now have enough money that they're hiring people from the real world and you know that like legitimate hair and makeup people won't work for them, thus the beards, legitimate costume and prop people won't work for them, rocks and couch cushions. But like they can probably get a writer who's in between Marvel universe movies and they're just like, come on man, what are you got going on that month? And he's like, fine, you get 10 minutes of my time. And then Samson goes on a meet cute date with Dr. Lindsay Doe eyes there.

There take it. Actually, you know, I'm going to give props to this writer. I'm with you because frankly, whoever wrote this does such a good job of like taking all of the horrific awful things that happen in the story and just just the right amount of tweaking to make everybody seem like they're not the awful people that we actually read about in the Bible. Oh, absolutely. It takes all that.

That's hard. Yeah, it's like it's like the guy who wrote, who wrote Rogue One. You had to like reverse engineer This whole story into the origin of the Star Wars universe and it was kind of it was kind of genius But here it's just like we have to somehow make this person not just An idiot and a maniac right right? So the king finishes up his really good atheist speech Then we cut back to Samson's village and he

is with his brother and they're stalking the Egyptian ring girl who is now a slave from like a weird vantage point. Yes. And we should point out this weird, previous love story thing is just entirely inserted into the biblical story, right? There's nothing about this in the Bible. Well, yeah, I mean, he, they've taken the different stories

and sort of mushed them together as like, they've made it into one story that kind of makes sense because none of the actual story has any sense to it. So, you know, you take the clay and you you mush it until it makes, makes something. Yeah. And if you think this movie is about Samson and Delilah and all that, it's actually not. It's, it's about wheat. And there is so much wheat in this movie. And we will see it again and again and again. And so here again, we've seen probably the same 400-week stocks again. Okay. So I did not understand this.

And then I saw it in Mark's notes and I watched the movie again this morning. This morning I went out and I watched the movie again because I saw it with he the other day. And then I wanted to go through my notes again. So I saw it again at like an 11 a.m. thing all by myself in Midtown. This same bundle of wheat that Mark is talking about appears in like 27 scenes. I don't know who this wheat's agent is. It's like, it's like this wheat fuck Tarvi Weinstein and now it gets an over five. I don't know what this week did. Yeah, I know. The wheat is in more scenes than Samsung.

It should have top-down. Also, better actor than Samsung. Yeah. Yeah, I called the movie Weed Again, the story of Samsung. Right. So, we see this wheat when this girl, her name's Taran, right? The slave girl. So she's walking through the village market and Samson's telling her super creepy.

And then she walks into this empty seller and he corners her in it. And it's not empty. It's except for wheat. Yeah. Exactly the same exact bundle of wheat. I swear. I thought it's happening with the wheat. Why? Well, and she's carefully choosing out stocks of wheat as though there are flowers for her arrangement.

She chooses three stocks of wheat because she's making a fucking bagel for a flea. Right. He just walks in behind her super creepy and he's like, I'm not scary. My steroids and my riddle and cancel out. It's fine. But you know, the implication of the empty seller is very real. But no, I'm not a rapist. I'm not a rapist. And she's charmed by this, which is terrifying. And he asked her out on a date the next day. And it works. Well, I guess adjusted for Bible times, the fact that he didn't just smash her in the face ranger to his heart is probably like

right courtship yes right so she agrees to the date and uh... from there we cut over to the town council and i have an a meeting at this point about whether god might be supershidiot prophecies.

You know, Samson's fucking stupid and this is the dumbest prophecy ever. And we shouldn't really be trusted like one guy's like, dude, I watched him. He tried to eat a rock and then he threw it away and then he tried to eat a different one. He's fucking stupid. Like we can't have this guy be our prophecy. Right. And we should point out that this scene is this movie's sugar coating of Samson was a crazy rapist from the Bible.

Sorry, right? So this is the movie being like, I don't know. He's just always hanging around the ladies when the Bible is like, and Samson killed many, man, women and children. And when he was done with their bodies, he turned them into Lincoln logs. Well, I mean, not too far off the mark when you consider that in this scene, somebody's like, well, I'm glad he's not here because at least I know he's not raping my sister. Yeah, there is this like, there's this whole subtext in this movie of the secondary characters

being like, this is fucked up. Yeah. It's fucked up. Wait, we all know he's the most dangerous thing that we could have among us, right? We all know that, right? We got to get out of here, man. This guy's fucking nuts. Also, he's a blood trader with this like pre-Muslim slave girl.

And I don't even want to talk about that. It's your little... It's a sketch of nation. Fuck him. And yeah, so nobody's happy. Nobody's happy about Samson. Then we get the date with Taran, their first date at the beach together. Aw.

Yeah, it's so romantic. And a god, is it hard to watch these two actors do a meet cute? Whoever plays Taran, she does an okay job, but like he's like young Arnold Schwarzenegger without the charm and linguistic ability. So it's just terrifying. Also, I love that she comes there and she goes, I want you to know I only came here because this date reminds me of my dad and I was like, I get it.

I get it. And then they have this conversation about slavery and I get that she's kind of sort of a slave, but she's actually a Philistine and he's a Hebrew, so he's like full on slave. And I think she just totally all lives matter the whole slave thing on the beach. She's like, oh, she absolutely did. She's like, he's like, aren't we slaves to you people? And she's like, she's me down the beach. The system makes slaves of all of us, doesn't it? It's just a state of mind.

That's me a wheat stock. Yes, Hebrew. She literally says, you can't be a slave if you're not a slave in your mind. And then she says later, she says, I refuse to be bound by slavery of any kind, says the girl who's about to be used as a pawn and then murdered by her slave master. And I think there's an important thing here from the actual story, Dan, which is there's a liberty that's been taken with this woman because she doesn't have a name. No, no, no, no, no, definitely not.

She is, she is one of the, the myriad, nameless ladies that, that happens all throughout the Bible. So Terran is a liberty that David A.R. White took to give this woman a name because you can't just keep calling her, Hey, you get over here. You know her. Also this is where they kiss and man, neither of them look like they've seen a human kiss before. It's like they read about kissing in a book that was translated from Taiwanese.

They're just like, all right, faces sideways. Do we? I don't headbutt. Shit. Sorry. How's it go? What do we do? I was off. There's this great moment where they're sitting there talking and Rachel Dratch says, you know, look, I'm a gay guy. I take this with a grain of salt, take this with a pillar of salt. I don't think she's that. I think she's a four, right? And so they're sitting there. She's a Philistine. And he says that Samson says it's his destiny to destroy her people. And he just kind of says it matter, factly. And she's just sitting there staring at him and she kind

of goes, oh, that was it. She just lets out this one little chirp. There. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, it's hard to react to that. I've been on Trumpdating.com. I've gotten that message and it's my destiny to destroy your people. It was to protect the future for white children. I get it. I get it.

You know, Err is often the only answer you can get. So you like scrubs or what? What? I also like the moment where she asks him, who do you want to be? So you can get so you like scrubs or what? I also I also like the moment where she asks him who do you want to be as though she's been reading the secret and maybe can make the universe manifest at for him or something. And his response isn't like, you know, savior of his people or whatever. His response is father, husband, uh, what? responses father husband uh what there is no indication anywhere else that any of these are his aspirations right and his his life goals are just fucking apparently yes absolutely fucking and make baby out of the fuck the fucking should work the work I want the fucking to last but then more

fuck then take bus to job kill kill kill kill take bus home fuck. All right, so they they finish up their date and then we cut back to Prince Rala planning how to kill his dad and become the king. Yes. He's asking his wife for advice, but then immediately screaming at her. It's just like, hey, okay, so how do you think I should kill him?

And she's like, well, maybe you could hold your tongue, bitch, hold your tongue. I was just, okay. To be like this scene, right? Like getting drunk and whining to your spouse about your fucking daddy issues. Yeah, I can't relate to that at all. So, I don't know, they're, hey Jesse. And all I could think about in this movie is some poor writer

was like snuck down at midnight and watched an episode of Game of Thrones and he was like, everyone likes Game of Thrones because it's almost hit ladies ish. I had some almost hit ladies ish into our movie. Well, and this is also I'm going to point out the moment where we learn that evil prince eyeliner is either married to or like with Delilah. Yeah, that's her introduction. Delilah, exactly. Yeah, so like how that ended up happening, I mean, this is one of the first clues that the movie is not interested at all in the actual story.

No, it is not. They might as well have made Delilah Prince Rala like he pulls off a wig and he's like, oh, does they call me on the streets, Delilah. Well, he does show a lot more leg than she does in this movie. I don't know. He sure does. I don't know if you guys noticed that. That's the sequel. delayla well he does show a lot more leg than she does in this movie i don't know sure does i know if you guys notice that i that's that's that's the that's the sequel samson to the crying game ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha date and he proposes and she says yes on date number two. How about that?

Which seems like a thing like can slaves just do that? Like nobody else? Like he's a Hebrew, she's a Palestinian. Well, that was a part of the story. Yeah, Palestinian, that's where it comes from. Right. Philistine and both of them are slaves. But they're just like, hey, let's just take all

of the free agency that we have and get married. Why do they, why do they even have time off for a picnic? Yeah. And she even realizes this. She's like, well, I mean, yeah, I'll marry you, but is it cool that I'm a Philistine? And he's like, no, it's, it's actually not at all. My mom probably gonna stab you, but we'll try. We'll try. It's so funny to me they're having their little picnic and for him to say, no one has ever asked me what I wanted out of life character with no name. Yeah, I do love that she's like, will your parents be cool with this? And he's like, I'll

talk to them forever until they are. And that's the first inkling that we get that Samson is actually, he believes the best solution to all of his problems will be his superior talking skills. Oh, yeah, he's a crazy negotiator. How much better is this movie if he just hits his mom in the head with a donkey's job? just hits his mom in the head with a donkey's jawbone. We don't think you should marry her. Blair! Yeah.

That actually would have been good for this next scene because this is when Samson goes back to his house to explain to his parents that he's getting married but definitely not a Jewish girl. In fact, the worst opposite of a Jewish girl. Okay. And he totally ruins game night for it, by the way. I have to talk about this. Okay. They understood that checkers and chests didn't exist yet, but they very clearly make a chess board with just like weird looking pieces. And then they just have them move like three into random spots. and they're like, you don't know that wasn't a fucking board game.

Fuck you. Bottle caps. It's all bottle caps. It was shaped a little like a shirt weirdly and I just decided it was the ancient game of blouse. So yeah, they have the classic and again, speaking from experience, the classic, I can't believe you aren't marrying a Jew conversation. Every Jewish child has with their mother. Like, this is word for word. What my mom said the day before my wedding. I don't want to get

into it. But like, it is funny. I mean, that part is actually that one of the few parts that's actually from the Bible, because the Bible actually has a whole passage about, like, you couldn't, you have to marry from these uncircumcised people. I mean, the Bible basically says what, you couldn't find a nice Jewish girl. I just so wanted him to go, you know, gee, Dad, you're being a real asshole about this.

You're a nexus six, right? You're in the state with January 8th, 2016. How long do you have left to live? And I swear, if you try to tell me about CB in glittering in the dark near the tan house or gate, one more fucking time I'm leaving. See, Rutger, this is what happens when you give up Coke. You stop improvising the best lines in movies and you end up in a pure flicks film. Some people are supposed to ride that white dragon. Yeah, baby. Chris Farley always in our hearts and dreams.

He's always a born and three right now. Might have been good. Might have been good. So, uh, Samson's kind of pasted his parents for being more racist than him. So he goes out into the woods and, uh, and honestly, this is kind of like every high school keg party in my hometown. It's just a bunch of us going out in the woods, drinking, being mad at racist parents. Went to, went to a weird, well, I mean, Mormon viewers will recognize this as the, uh, the scene in the sacred grove where he's going to go and find the golden plates. I'm pretty sure until the spooky goose noises start up at which point it takes a weird turn.

Okay, so he's having his angry, yelling God and my question is could they not afford a lion for a full day because we hear the lion, we get like shots of the lion the like the lion didn't agree to do nudes or something. It's got the same rider as Angelina Jolie. Like you only get a little bit of its foot and a little bit of side boob from the lion. Yeah, I think it was just like a poor tortured old circus lion that they managed to get and it was too timid to look at the camera. So you just kind of see its ass and you hear a weird growl. And there's a fun little trivia game here. I don't know if you guys notice this,

but if you're playing along at home, how many power lines did you see up behind the lion? If you guess three, you're right. Total power lines running up behind us. Amazing. I only saw one of them. So they throw what I can only describe as a not expensive stuffed lion from FA F.A.O. Schwartz

at this actor. It is the craziest fake lion I've ever seen. Well, and the fight took three seconds with like tops, right? It was kind of amazing. Like he's battling a lion. He's grabbed it by the snout. And then we hear a crack and the lion just falls dead Yeah, I don't know how you kill a lion by his mouth. We're gonna have to wait for the toxicology report

I don't know what the cause of death was on that line, but it happened fast It was this and then there's this moment of like I have slain the lion now I just slay the Hydra of Lerna and capture the golden hind of oops, sorry wrong mythical mythical hero again. Damn it. Doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. Right.

So he kills the lion and then he apologizes to God. He's like, yeah, okay, I will not ask any more questions. I asked you for something. You sent me a fucking lion. I wasn't sure. I would thought I thought you wanted me to fuck it for a second. And I was like, okay. And then I did attack me.

It was a whole thing. No more questions. I promise never do that again. But we had no, he didn't use shaky hands. He didn't have the shaky hands first. How do you get a line? Just had to do it with his own blood sugar. Right. So he finishes killing the lion. He's good with God, I guess. And then we cut over to Princess Delilah. And she's good with God, I guess, and then we cut over to Princess Delilah and she's hanging out with I guess Taran became her new slave. This is the sloppiest intro to this scene possible. She literally she's like She goes, oh, why are you singing? I'm the bad guy. Oh, well, I'm the good guy and I'm marrying the protagonist you are you say the bullfingers oh you know how best friends I do great

I know they should have shot this scene as a silent movie just a drive home the level of villainy yeah I mean it did have this feel of like, uh, where are you singing? Well, I'm in love with a Hebrew. Well, Prince Dickhead will never allow that, but it's part of the plot. Oh, then let me help you. Exactly. And they make a deal. Let's see who can betray this idiot the most. Yeah, that is weird that like, like it becomes this this awkward like future thing of Samson's two love interests are chilling out like bathing each other.

Yeah, you go in. I like it. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't play out well though. It doesn't play out the way you wanted to. It never does for me. Right, so she goes to Prince Rala to tell, tell them about her new idea, which is to marry off this slave girl like as a favor. So the big Jewish guy won't keep beating up their Egyptian street fighters.

Is that the stakes of this? We have to talk about this actor in this scene. Before this movie, I'm convinced they glued Prince Rala's hand to his chest in a permanent fierceness expression. He's just constantly ready to be on season minus 467 of RuPaul's Drag Race. He's always posing for his statue portrait, always. And can I just ask, I might have missed something in this, this scene lost as I am in all the fucking wheat, but it's like Samson went from a minor irritation in this, this scene lost as I am in all the fucking wheat, but it's like Samson

went from a minor irritation in this kingdom to suddenly mark Anthony in like one scene. And now all of the politics of this kingdom are based around trying to contain and deal with Samson. And it just like happened. Also not for nothing, but Prince Rala clearly sees Samson as a real threat. And he's got this plan now where if he marries him off to the girl that he wants to his own slave, then he thinks that they will be in his debt forever and he'll have Samson under his heel and he'll be able to control him.

Which he doesn't do! Right, right, and yeah, exactly, like three scenes later. He's going to purposefully fuck up this marriage Wait, we'll get there. We'll get there. We'll get there But just keep in mind that the plot here According to the movie is for him to let them get married so that he's in his debt not for him to half let him get married and then fuck with him Right and then declare prima noctur or whatever the fuck it does in a class of science makes no sense. But that's allegedly the plan right now.

So they're happy with that. And now we go back to Samson. He's out in the woods again, and he finds the dead lion from the core, like just rotting. And he reaches into the rotting carcass and grabs some honey because that's how that works. Well, at the honest, that was a cliff bar. It was like a rectangular honey, right?

Well, I mean, if there's one thing we've learned from science, and this is science we're talking about, it's that rotting corpses of animals, first of all, they rot away in approximately 13 minutes. After which point, as we all know, bees take up residents in there and build a colony, big enough to have honeycomb inside the carcass of the Rodding Corpse in about 13 more minutes, which then they have they fill with honey in about two minutes. I think that's just science. And then they build a bit of honey and actually wrap it for you. It's great. It's very delightful. And this is what Sohilarious is, you know, bees do not make hives in Rodding carcasses, but wasps are carnivores, so they

eat them. So some dumb dumb that made up this story saw wasps eating a dead lion and thought they were bees. And if you want more stupid ideas about animal anatomy and classification, just read more Bible. It's all in there. And this scene again, it's a, because this is what happens in the Bible, Samson reaches inside the lion and find some honey there. Right, but like this is the perfect example of like, there's no better creator of an atheist than just like, hey, why don't we show this on the big screen, huh? Remember when this happened and we pretended it really was just like,

he might as well pull out a soft serve ice cream with something on it. Yeah, me. And also, you know, two, at corpse two weeks or whatever in the Israeli sun, like, can you imagine? Are you going to stick your hand in that rotten slime and swore of angry bees? Well, there's no reason to do it. I mean, it looks pretty good.

For being honest, I've been pretty, some delicious in here. Yeah, the best thing you can do when you see a rod in corpse is pull something out and put it in your mouth. Well, we've established he has blood sugar issues. So the guy probably just in a spot. Also, I love that he, that immediately after that, we hear a voice over of the riddle that's to come. Like, they don't know how foreshadowing actually works. So they just say the thing that they're going to say later on. It's so stupid. Yeah, this is, this is like a big part of the story. And so the riddle or whatever, I don't, is this a riddle? I don't know. It's a couple sentences.

It's words technically. It is word. We hear, it is words. We hear out of the eater something to eat out of the strong, something sweet. And Sam's just like, okay, mental note, this is going to be a fucking sweet riddle later. I'm going to riddle the shit out of somebody else. How satisfied was the look on his simian face? He was like, oh, yeah. I'm going to freestyle this shit. Nailed it. Membered lines. Right. So we got the the riddle established now, whatever that means. And now we cut over to the wedding party for Samson and Taran and Prince Rala is making making fun of Samson

because he doesn't drink, which I actually enjoyed because Samson responds, Samson responds like he's reading from like a dare workbook. He's like, ah, no, I don't like the taste. Broken record. No, no, no, I don't drink Yeah, it did come across as a Total 90s PSA about peer pressure. Yeah, like what only babies don't drink. Why are you drinking? Shut up. I don't like it. I don't want to Come on psychotic rapy murderous giant have a drink of wine. I have standards. I don't touch the dead. And again, just for clarity, like this is Prince Rala is now like, let him his hair down

literally at the wedding party of his greatest enemy and one of his slaves. It's just, it's like Trump just going to the wedding of one of his cooks and just being like Hey, then he looked fantastic. He looked beautiful Would you like to have a riddle contest where the prize is me killing you? If Donald Trump offered me that I would take the offer But but they also throw the wedding party. That's the thing is they just they Rolla and Delilah actually pay for the wedding party of their slave. Right. Is that a thing?

I don't know. I mean, it's nice. I don't know, my. I don't know. I don't know. But they do have a riddle contest. And I know that is standard at a wedding party. You have a riddle contest.

Right, but here's the thing. The riddle office like they're all having a good time. They trick Samson and drinking. He's like, you made me drink. And they're like, I gotcha. And And they're like, ha, gotcha. And then he's like, hey, Riddle off and Samson gets his riddle. And he's like, okay, I've got a riddle for you. And Rala, super casually, again, totally unmotivated.

And it's like, okay, but I guess the wager is, I'll give you 30 shirts. But if you, if I can get your riddle, then I get to murder you. How about that murder? We're all having a good time here, right? Yeah, it's an odd shift in tone. And I want to talk about how stupid they introduce this riddle contest, right? Like, they're having a perfectly nice time. Rolas at the wedding, like hanging out with his slave for whatever reason and these,

like, hey, you know, what would be a fun game? Bar cheesy, but if I win, I can to kill you, huh? That's fun, right? To celebrate your special day. Yeah, this is one of those, another moment where, like in the Bible, it's Samsung that's like, I've got a riddle for everybody, but they can't actually do that because it's a stupid idea, so they give it to somebody else.

And they give it to print, and it's Rolo that's doing it, which is funny because he's just bullying Samson, which, you know those moments where you've seen a guy pick up an entire boulder, and then you're like, I'm going to, I'm going to make that guy feel awful. I'm going to bully that guy. That's a good idea. Yeah, so the screenwriters kind of tried to reverse engineer a better narrative into this scene. And they show what a shit idea, Samson's riddle is by having the prince actually use the form correctly, right? So the prince makes up a riddle, which is take something everybody knows and try to make it seem mysterious, so it's hard to guess. And so the prince makes up a riddle, which is take something everybody knows and try to make

it seem mysterious. So it's hard to guess. And so the prince does it, right? And then Samson makes up this riddle. He says is out of the out of the eater something to eat out of the strong something sweet. That's like me making a riddle out of what my favorite socks and third grade were. Right. Yeah, because he's nothing.

He pulled honey out of a lion, but no one knows that. Nobody knows. You can't just name a random situation. It's a weird high coup and it's a riddle. One time I pooped a Lego. How that happened. That's my riddle. My riddle is what color was it?

Yeah, although in fairness, he did manage to get these guys to agree to the bet Before he told them this stupid riddle and they all adhere to it So maybe he's the smart one because he's like he's not he's not first of all He's like the bet is for 30 Tunics of clothes from he you know one from everybody and then he owes them thirty two nicks of clothes if he loses, which is like is a stupid bet that that was the first moment I was pulling for Samson to win because I wanted those guys to take their two nicks off. It does feel pretty gay. It feels pretty gay if he's going to fit. Okay, if I win you guys all have to take off your

clothes. Yes, but what's amazing about this is that like he has crafted a really smart thing like, okay, we all agree to the bet, right? Okay. So the riddle is what's the blue and orange thing in my aunt's basement? Yeah, exactly. Why not just be like, I don't know, man, what's 675 cubits from here underground to the left. Sorry, it's a chickadee. A chickadee. Oh, that bees are making honey in because he killed it. Yeah. Right. So the riddle is absolutely impossible. But Prince Rala is actually kind of smart about it. So he takes, tearing the slave girl off to the side to try to get the answer out of her. He figures maybe she knows or maybe she can find out. He's like, I'll kill your dad if you don't tell me the answer. She goes, take some of the sign. She's like, Hey, honey, you know, trust is so important

in relationships. So what's the answer to your riddle? No reason. And this establishes a pattern in Samson's life, right? Which he never picks up on. What's amazing about this is that that part of the Bible story is real, but they can't bear to let her actually be the one that betrays him. So she gets it out of him, but they have Delilah like super spy mode on the stairs listening to their conversation so that she's the one that actually betrays him or gives them the answer.

It doesn't make any sense. She got it out of it. Yes, she got it out of him. She's trying to save her dad's life. Let her just tell it. Again, it's the writer trying to backfill the story because in the Bible story, there are, it's all villains. Right. Everyone's a fucking villain. Nobody's the good guy, right? It just Samson is called by God. That's it. Right. The whole parable. Yeah, so so they, Rala finds out the answer to the riddle of this way. And then

the next day, I guess that's when riddle contests have their cut off the deadline. So Samson shows up and Rala gives the answer that he overheard that it's the lion with carcass and honey. Lion, honey, that's the answer to all the riddles, isn't it? Lion, honey, the answer is Lion, honey. And again, you can see even the characters in this movie struggling with how stupid this premise is, it's like, wait, lion honey? Yeah, lion honey.

This will be the first many times you see them struggling like that in this movie. Just like, how do we, okay, let's just say it aligns and you, it's like Rala's like, wait, I'm supposed to be the villain. Right. So give me those tunics, or I'll kill your new wife. Reminder, my plan is to win you over by letting you marry Remember my plan two scenes ago right also not for nothing But he's like okay you OS 32-necks and Samson's like I don't have them which to me is like well

Then you're a fucking asshole for betting that yes You're a goddamn liar and you deserve what you get. You piece of shit. Yeah. You why would you even take that bet? It's the crazy. There's nothing worth it on that. You're just getting married. It's like someone wanted to,

it's like death wants to come play chess with you at your par mitzvah. It's not the time, Sam. It's not the time. Right. So he cheated. He cheated with the riddle. He didn't have the fucking thing to pay it if he lost. Yeah, let's write a Bible book about this motherfucker.

Yeah, he's the stooge that gets killed in literally every mafia movie that's ever been made. I'm not good for it. I'm not good for it. You're not going to take my eyes, are you? What is the big on a tunic, the way, I what how much do you Right so he decides he's got to go get the fucking tunics somehow because he's an idiot So he runs off into the desert thinking he's

He just runs in a random compass direction as fast as he can Eventually all roads lead to Tunis. Well, he does, he runs into 30 Philistine soldiers in Tunis. It could not be less well-written. It's like, he walks in and it's like, all right, one second, let me finish counting off. 29, are there only 29 of us? No, don't forget me. Okay, so there's exactly 30 of us and everyone has their tunic right and the reveal is hilarious like he he's running along

running along running along he runs up to this well and he starts drinking then you look over the left and there's exactly thirty fillist he's having their long and here's the thing this is again i'm going to go back to the Bible, which in the Bible, all it says is shit, I owe you 30 tunics, hang on a sack. He runs over to another to a Philistine village, just slaughters straight up slaughters 30 guys, just peep just regular people and take soldiers. They're just people. And takes their tunics. And like, I was like, how are they going to show this? They, okay, I got it. They're going to have to make the, the, the Philistines that have the clothes be mean to him.

So, so he goes to a well and they're like, you can't use our well. Ew, that's gross. No, that's our well. Fuck you. And the other thing that's hilarious is he goes running up to this well and he's sweating and he's super hot and he's super thirsty. And I just have a note, if you're like in a desperate desert tunic dash, maybe not dressed like Stevie Nicks going night skiing. He has so many layers, so many layers on. He has 32

nicks on. So I knew. So I knew this story too. And I was so hoping we would get a remake of Anakin killing the padawatts, but with a donkey's jawbone, just like the kids come in and they're like, hi, Samson. And he's like, the jawbone just appears in the corner of the screen. I killed them. I killed them all. I wanted one of the guys to attack them and be completely naked. And he's just like, fuck, hold on, hold on, count up one more time. God damn it.

Is one of you naked? Was one of your naked this whole time? You're fine. You sit over there. You just sit over there. And you know what's a David A.R. White movie because like the Centurion or whoever, the boss of the Philistines comes over and yells at him in scary mean voice because he's a bad guy. And Samson, you know, it's David A. White movie because Samson just one punch is him in the tummy and kills him. And he's dead. He's dead. And he looks at his hand like, what have I done? What am I capable of? And then they all all 30 of them single file. To be fair though, the 27 other guys who attack him after the first three, that's on them. If he punches three of your friends to death and you're like, oh, I number 26, I'm going to be the one that takes this motherfucker down.

Right. And then and these guys, you know, like I say, they have to make them bad in order for it to be okay that he kills them. So, you know, there's soldiers who would deny a thirsty man water and who mocked him and who mocked his god. And oh, also they have these three pretty Hebrew sex slaves. Is are they bad enough to kill him yet? Are they bad? Is it okay? Or is it not? Is it anything more than just homicidal nonsense? Yeah, it's so obviously them trying to justify the scene. I wanted it to pan from the three Hebrew sex slaves to like a pile of puppies that they had been beating up and then like

a bunch of overdue Netflix, DVDs, still in the envelopes that they hadn't returned. And cut to ray finds on a balcony just sniping Jews. You know, okay, they're bad enough kill him. Okay, now now you can kill them. Small note, the only people not wearing like Amy Winehouse levels of I make up in this movie are those three slave girls. Absolutely. Yeah. Also, how confusing is it if like a guy, if you're like bullying a guy who's trying to drink your well water and his response is, give me your tunics. So yeah, he beats up and kills. Does he kill all them? Yeah. Kill all 30 them. Kills him dead. Kills. The protagonist kills

30 people to get their shirts and then brings them back to the village and he's like, here's fucking tunics, where's my wife? Here's this blood soap-soaping bail. A few back tunics, yeah. Scabs. Not for nothing, but the way he gets there because he's not allowed to touch corpses, he turns to the three heburest sex slaves and like, I saved you. Now, come help me take the clothes off of these dead men. Wait, where are you going? So I guess,

I guess he broke his vow there. Is that what? Yeah. Yeah. Right. And that's the point of the hair cutting at the end is that he drinks at the wedding. He touches dead bodies to get the tunics and then the hair cutting at the end is like the last straw like God's at three strikes and you're out. Savior. Oh, gotcha. Okay. So that's what happened. I like that the problem isn't that he made 30 people dead.

The problem is that he can't touch them once he's made them dead. Right. Right. Thanks, Bible. Good, good lesson. So Samson comes back and he's like, hey, tunics. And again, for no reason, Prince Rala is like, no, she's my wife now, because I'm the bad guy.

You rules that I don't worry, rules. You waited too long times up. It's shotgun rules. You weren't inside of the slave girl. I just I called shotgun, I. It's shotgun rules. You weren't inside of the slave girl. I just, I called shotgun right now. She's my, she's, she's premonocked up. Just trust me. You don't get no more, no more.

So Samson runs away again at this point to follow a, a fox. Oh my god. This is a lesson. This is the moment. I have no idea what's happening here. Do you guys have any idea what the fuck is. Do you know what the Bible is? Yes, because of the Bible story, but I knew that you didn't and it made me so fucking. Dad and I were sitting alone in a theater and like alone in a theater in Salt Lake City

watching this and has it got closer and closer to that moment. We're like, they're not going to do the fuck. You can't do the fuck. You're not going to do the fuck. There's no way they can do the fuck. Then we saw the fuck And we both screamed. Yeah, because it's such an awful, terrible, like this becomes a story about the worst animal cruelty

ever conceived by man. Yeah. I'm like, there's no way they can do, oh, they're doing it. Oh, they're doing the foxes, okay. Yes, so. Again, for those unfamiliar with the Bible story, what happens in the Bible story is Samson just lights a bunch of foxes on fire and then runs them

through the field. 300 of them. Yeah. By a bunch. That is what happened. Yeah. He takes it. It's worse than that. He gathers together. And I don't know how long it takes you guys to gather foxes. But he manages to get 300 foxes. He ties their tails to each other, like he gets them butt to butt and ties their tails to each other and then ties a torch to their tails and sets them out into this guy's field. All right. Not big, but I didn't really fucking pay attention.

Obviously. I have three elderly cats that really like me and I cannot manage to get all three of them in the same room if you're a parent or somebody's coming over. So pretty, how does one get 300 wild foxes who would die trying to kill you in order to escape, and then do yarn art on their tails and then get them to hold steel because they show him striking, fr frit flint and steel to light the fight 300 foxes. How? Oh, right. And again, this is the good guy. This is the protagonist, the protagonist of the movie is like, you know what, right? Because in the movie, he sees the foxes and the foxes like, come with more friends. And then gonna be science. And then he feels, I should let you

and everyone you know on fire. Let me lead you to my fox village, where life is beautiful. Oh, then what are you doing? Well, it is the, Tony, it is the first biblical story of a mass extinction, I suppose.

Right. So, okay, he set this kind of makes sense. He sets the boxes on fire. And the wheat fields that are owned by Prince Rala are burning down, I guess. So Rala walks out onto his big wall and he's got Taran, he's got Samson's wife and he's like, okay, well, I'm going to murder her. And Sam's like, fuck you man, Firefox is whatever murder her. This is like, fuck you man, fire foxes, whatever. And, Prince Raleigh drops her off the wall.

Like, what did, how did Zimson picture the negotiation working out? How does it, I don't understand. He has this great plan where he's like, I'll use these foxes to set all his crops on fire. And then I'll yell up at the prince and I'll say, relief, release my wife, or I'll set all these crops on fire. Oh, she's dead. Oh, shit.

Can we do this again? Can we do this again? Hold on. Then Galah had Lancelot and I jumped out of the rabbit. It was a badger. It was a rabbit. But yeah, as usual, his animal food destroying torture plan, backfires like all of his plans ever. It's fucking amazing.

And then he just, so he kills the wife and he just runs to a cave to like cry and have a temper tantrum. It's his crying cave. Yeah. And his caves go. It's a pretty dope cave, man. It's like, why did they live in that old, timey Mexican village when they, there's a roomy cave with a view close by everyone in the Bible is stupid.

It is a nice cave. I thought we were going to get like a like a montage of him inventing a new riddle here. Like a lot of stuff. Pieces of crumbled up legal pad everywhere. Like, oh, stupid. Oh, there's a honey. Uh,

it's a fox on fire. How many of them did I have? What's yellow and red and runs through a field backwards? I don't have it. Google Chrome. No, stupid. Right. And this whole scene is just to show us that Rala kidnaps his dad so that Samson's brother can show up in the next scene to like

give him a pep talk. Right. Right. Right. And Samson's not like getting it. He doesn't like understand what's happening. He's being given this pep talk. He's like, he's supposed to be God's hands.

Those are the words he uses to explain to Samson. And Samson's like looking down at his actual hands. He's like, my hands will save our people. He's like, no, no, no, stop with it. It's not literal hands. It's a metaphor. Hand. No. It's, you don't have any idea what's happening. This is this is where they come to arrest him, right? They're coming up to tie him up. Well, yeah, this is, this is what happens afterwards. They arrest him. Right. But, but oh, this is when he's bragging. His own tribes people are there.

And they're like, because Rala has said, I'll kill everybody in the tribe unless you bring me Samson. And his brothers like, make the tribe of Judah your army. To which Samson says, basically, I've got a better idea. I'll just surrender. Yeah. But before that, there's so much sexual tension between him and his brother. Oh, yeah.

That is the only sexual chemistry in this entire movie is between those two. I'm like, oh, they're going to fuck right now. This is crazy. Yeah. Right. So the palpable sexual tension with the brother is done for a minute anyway. And now Samson shows up in the village to turn himself in to Prince Rala to save his countryman. And he does the trick again. He does his, I'm going to let you guys live. I'm just kidding.

I'm going to kill your dad in the whole village. I can't stop it. I'm so bad. I'm so bad. I just want to like pull a smart start start healthy choice devil's food cake out of like one of those plastic containers. There's just be like, I'm naughty. I'm not a question. I'm not a question. I'm not a question. I'm not a question.

I'm not a question. I'm not a question. So my question is, if Prince, if Prince asshole hadn't like just reached reach down, like they were going, Samson had put his head down on the chopping block and was apparently ready to die if the prince just hadn't gone by the way I'm gonna kill your dad like he literally just ruins it and that's when samson like busts out of the ropes and

break through and start turning it like if he had just shut the fuck up for three more seconds until that accident falling and say wins. It's suddenly true what Eli was saying. He's like a Vincent Price level that he mincey gay feeling is. Let him go. I can't keep going. It's not the only gay character in this movie.

Let me tell you something. Right. And this is where Samson kills the thousand. And again, it's just one of those things where you're like, man, is there no better cure for the Bible than putting it on a screen? He's just like, yeah, because the first couple of guys he kills, I was like, all right, some action. I'm like an action movie. And then you're just like, oh, this is badly choreographed and impossible. I wanted like four hours later from SpongeBob, just like 12 hours later. And you just see him like, yeah, yeah. It's supposed to be serious, but it was so comical. Like suddenly I look up at the screen and it's like a sped up Benny Hill sketch, which is like, whack it, whack it, whack it, whack it, whack it, whack it, whack it, whack it, whack it.

You could see, you could see the crew and the stunt people all struggling to make this. There's no fucking way this could have happened. So how do we shoot this, right? And they try to make it narrow. It's just neurons of bodies. Yeah. It's pretty amazing. There is a moment where like the 40 Philistines that he's attacking

aren't enough. And so they blow somebody's like, quick, blow the horn and summon the whole rest of the Philistine army who happened to be just over that hill. Yeah. And they come charging in. And then they surround him in a circle. And somehow men with swords still manage to attack one at a time from an encirclement. It's like they might as well count off. Might as well have one, two, okay, so the two can attack now, just three, no budging. Also, can we talk about the man explosion?

Oh, right. So at one point, they all realize that lining up one at a time and tying is, is boring. So they decide they all like getting a rugby scrum and he has a little like, and the, the guys all just go flying and they're all dead. Yes. Well, I mean, also, first of all, it it starts with like it, it feels like it's like just okay, everybody huddled up, huddled up and no stabbing in the prayer huddle that would be rude. Let's just give him a chance to pray, he just wants to pray.

Okay, now he can throw us all 3,000 feet away. Hey boss, now that we've got him slightly subdued, should I stab him in the kidney? No, no, no, give him a minute No, no, let's see if we can do this peacefully give him a second Yeah, and one of the guys one of the guys gets thrown into space so beautifully He throws him into space like he gets thrown like like easily a hundred yards in a tight spiral. It's so perfect It's fantastic. He goes through a tire swing Yeah, he just threw him into space.

He's not that big. He's also another great little moment I enjoyed. So the whole thing is happening famously with, he's beating everybody up with the jawbone of a donkey. I don't understand why that's significant, but that's what he's doing. Well, and it's not like after he kills the first five, there are swords just lying up plenty around him that he could pick up. Hundreds of swords. He's the swords everywhere.

He keeps using the jawbone of the donkey, but there's this one moment where he's not, like normally he's just beaten people up. He's taken these big swings and knock in 50 people's time. But at one point, he grabs a guy and he's just like, he's just like slowly pushing the teeth of the jawbone into the guy's arm, like an Indian burn. And then I said, how we stop? It's just like a weird little brother torture moment.

He like spits in his mouth and like holds him down. It's so stupid. I wanted so badly to see the 999 guys dead and the one guy is just like, raw, I'm going to get you. I guess this is what I signed up for. But you know, there's a small note here, which again, Bible, you've had the chance to make these edits. He kills a thousand people, then leaves alive the one guy he should have killed.

He leaves Rola alive. Yeah, the prince. Why Bible? Why do you keep fucking doing this? Also Rola's like, you know, he's 5'8, he's, you know, he's a buck 30 if he's anything. And he's the last guy standing after a man has killed a thousand soldiers. And his response to that situation is like, yes, I'll attack him too. Yeah, bring it on, motherfucker. You know, the pessimist in us may see the slaughter of a thousand innocent human beings,

but an optimist like me, I see a whole lot of available tunics. Also, we get a bit of an aerial shot. He stayed in one place for this entire fight, like literally climbing to keep on top of the body pile, and then they pan away, and there are bodies, hundreds of yards away from him. Yeah, some of them crawl over there, they're like, no, I don't wanna die where everyone else did.

This is my bad. That's bad. If you smell that body pile, I'm getting as far away from that as I can. It's gonna be a lot of honey later on. Okay. All right. And now it's time for what I would say and let me throw this out there. The gazed thing I think I've ever seen because how better way to celebrate killing 1,000

people than to cover yourself in oil. You say it's annoying to see? Yeah. So much. Yes. You say it's annoying to see? Yeah. So much. Yes. You say it's the gayest thing, but this guy pours a horn full of oil all over Samson and all we get to see is his face. Well, we don't get to see his glimmering pecs. Well, I call rip off. That would have been a PG 13. Right. And also for the very first second that they started to pour the oil out of the big yummy horn. I thought it was, I literally thought it was a call back to the,

to the lion honey. I thought, how great would that be? All sticky and shitty with dead bees, clots and bloody hair hunts and stamps and as to try not to gag and vomit and then just to answer a riddle about wheat. Really could have tied up the whole narrative. See, they miss these chances. This is why they don't call us back, Mark. This is why they need to start calling us back. We've got to stop sending spec scripts.

I'm just tired of all the effort. All right. So the super oily anointing scene is over. It was way too much oil. Was it not? I mean, I feel like anointing is like a flick. You flick like a little off your finger. This was like a lot. It was like the tongue and guy at the beginning of the Olympics. And now we cut back to the palace where Billy Zane, the king, is giving Prince Rala another lecture.

He's kind of mad. He's just like, dude, how fucking hard is it to kill some Hebrews? Did you work in a death riddle? We talked about a death riddle, I feel like that would work. And we have to talk about the scar, right? I don't know who this actor pissed off in hair and makeup, but he has, this is the beginning of the silly makeup. He has the silliest possible looking scar. It's like Halloween adventure level silly. looking scar. It's like Halloween adventure level silly. So Billy Zane has decided to go from Burger King to father Christmas in the scene. Christmas tree skirt for some reason. Right. Also, I love Billy Zane going, well, did you see him bleed? Then he's not a God, which proving once again that Billy Zane's character is like pretty awesome at skepticism. Yeah. Oh, so he gets a zing in.

He's like, I saw him with my own eyes and he goes, you mean I got him zoom. Harsh. Harsh dad. The fuck at best. You know, it's no wonder this kid hates you. I wonder if there's gonna be a bad consequence from all of this poor parenting at some point.

Probably not. But did you guys also notice that whenever you cut to Billy Zayn's throne room, first of all, they clearly could afford him for two days. So everything feels like the first take because I only got one. But the rest of these in one room, the whole movie, and he's just usually sitting there watching women do crafts. They're either braiding or they're folding dish towels. And it's like the origin

of HGTV. Right, but he overrules Brindlet Rala and he says that the new plan is to leave the guy who killed a thousand people single-handedly alone. Right. Well, he says with the king, he tells Brinds Rala, go tell Samson that we'll leave his people alone if he just stops killing all of us. Well, yeah. That seems that seems like a better deal for you than for him and yet and yet, but it'll work. Samson fucks up the deal. Yes, he sure does. I think Billy's ain't and we'll learn this later. Billy's ain't has Samson's number so hard. Like he, he shreds him on all of these negotiations where Samson has entirely the upper hand. And Billy Zane's just like, nope, now you owe me even more.

But he's just got like a bigger cigar and a bigger chair and he just fucks him over on the negotiations. Yeah. Yeah. Samson walks out with fucking nothing. Samon has to give him his tunic by the time it's all over. He killed his entire army and he walks out with nothing. Yeah, so that's where they leave it. And I guess we're going to pretend this screenplay had acts and say that one of them ended just now. So we'll take a quick break right here. But before we do, let me give act, act whatever, the hard sell, a pound of feathers weighs the same as a pound of lead. You ask one liar what the other liar would

say, and it was just the one guy going to say now, find out the questions to these answers and more when we return for the shocking conclusion of Samson. Okay, man, listen up. You're in the Philistine army now and that means you're about to be part of the most elite fighting force in the world When you meet Samson it's incredibly important that you all attack him one at a time I suggest figuring out amongst yourselves before the battle Maybe a point of order, sorry, sir. Yes, Danielius. Um, why?

Why, why what? Why are we attacking him one at a time? Yeah, actually, there's a great question. I was wondering the same thing too. Yeah, yeah, me too. Obviously, because it wouldn't be fair. Otherwise guys, right? Come on.

Sorry, question. Markless. Isn't he like super strong though? Yes, no, he's got that strength of the Hebrew God, but there's only one of him. So I feel like it would only be fair. Okay, sorry, just picking back and off of that. Um, so what do we do if he kills one of us? Um, where do they're?

Well, you wait your turn and then you attack one by one. Like forever? Like add in for an item? Yes, until you all die or you kill him. Everyone got that? Who are you? Yeah. But guys, come on guys. Hooray.

Hooray. Hooray. Semperfi. Trustfuls. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. And we're back. And while we were gone,

a bunch of nothing happened off camera. That's actually what they do here. It literally says many years later, like just a fucking bunch of years later, we flash forward. And we learn that Samson's been the mayor the whole time and relatively peaceful. And we know it's been a while because he grew a Muppet beard. Now it's a Muppet beard. Now, as a Muppet beard. Dear God.

Mark, is this the worst fake beard you have ever seen? Well guys, we did the Book of Mormon movie together and those were some spectacularly fake $4 beards. But this beard, Samson's beard particularly is so horrible that the only way it makes a lick of sense is if he's the character in the movie is wearing a shitty disguise for some reason, right? If they're trying to make you think it's a real beard, it fails. Or it story wise, maybe otherwise, it's like some bees made honey and a beaver that he

killed. And now he's only have finished with his neck. There's no other way to describe this beard. It's like a it's like us from a school play. It's the silliest thing possible. I feel like you guys are being overly harsh. I feel like their hands were tied. Biblical time is measured in beard, right?

That's the only way to show how many years later it is is in beard time. Right. So he's got the ridiculous beard and I guess everything was cool for a while, but then the taxes got too big again. So now Samson is going to go to the king back to Billy Zane and try to get a better deal on the taxes. Which is funny because this is again one of those moments where they're like, you're a leader of Samson. Things still really, really suck for us even all these many years later. With you, we know for a fact that we could beat them in combat. Let's go to war.

And he's like, nah, talk is better. Yeah. That's worked out for him so many times in the past. You should. I'm going to exercise my diplomatic skills. I'm the man who negotiated with a thousand men. Oh, wait, I'll comprise a riddle and bet the entire kingdom. And just a small note, this is the first scene technically in the movie where I think

there is no wheat. Oh, there was not any wheat. That's great. I felt its absence. Yep. Right. So Samson shows up at the palace to hael with King Billy Zane. And the king is great. Billy's response is like, okay, before you even start, no, you have no power.

No, do you have a riddle? No, then no, absolutely not. Yeah. And then there's this moment where Samson just kind of looks down. He's like, how fuck? Yeah. Zane just bluffs him out entirely. Like, Samson literally has four aces in his hand and Zane's just like, nope, I'll in. And Samson's like, oh, fuck, I fold, I will lose shit. He just leaves with nothing. Yeah, he's, and he goes, I'll tell you what you can do. You can go away. And he's like, uh, what if I don't go? Nope, that's the deal. Leave your people alone a little bit. Yeah. And he doesn't even guarantee that. He's like,

yeah, I might, I might leave him alone. The Samson, they portray in this book, the character is such a fuck up. I'm beginning to believe he must have been a real person. But it could not be a fictional character ever. Yeah, he goes into this like he's, he's psyched up. He's just read art of the deal. He's got, he's got let my people go at going in his head. He is ready to have his Moses moment. And he walks out with exactly nothing and he's banished and he's agreed to leave forever. Right. He didn't get a cow or magic beans. He got nothing. Yep. So now Samson's leaving

the big city and Princess Delilah, she just like balls out of the sky into the sea and out of nowhere. And she pretends to have the perfect hotel for him because you know he's a Jewish brawler fugitive and she has a hotel for that so that's where she brings him. And she is the most obvious like central casting prostitute in the world and he doesn't doesn't realize that she's taking him famous pussy hound samson does not realize he's being taken to a brothel. Okay. Yeah. And let's talk about how dumb this plot is, right? So Delilah has hired the head of a whorehouse to invite Samson there without telling him it's a whorehouse. So she can show up and be like, Hey, man, did you realize this is a whorehouse? Quick, follow me and

trust me. I'm the wife of that guy who keeps trying to kill you. Exactly. It's amazing. Now what's really funny is that this is another departure from the Bible, which clearly states that he goes to this whorehouse and fucks a whore. Like, yes. It is very clear in the Bible that he just goes and takes some leisure. But in this version, it's like, if you had told me that this was a house of ale repute, I would have never come in here. Yeah, he's all angry when he gets there. He's like, ah, could you turn down the music?

I'm trying to do Jewish prayer here. He's like, asshole kid who calls security at college on Friday night in the middle of a party. Ah, the worst. I get it. Samson is like being in the room next door to Tom and Heath at QED. I get it is what I'm saying. Rowan Lesbians at my wall.

And he's mad. He's like, I was almost tricked into having fun again. He's so mad at being brought to a whorehouse without his permission that he expresses his upset by not leaving. And again, she wins him over instantly. He's like, oh my gosh, you were at my, I guess wedding. She was murdered right afterwards. So it's weird to say that word, but party though. It's a good party.

How are you? Thanks for the soup plate. All we still use it, all the time. So yeah, I completely trust you because you said you liked my wife. Right. So she tells him that the, the whole town's looking for him now and we see the town. They've got like the dorsches and the pitchforks in there. Yeah, but not until he busts.

Not until he busts through the high security lattice. Right. Right. Well, and he busts through the, he jumps through the wall. He takes the lila with him and then the mat, the matem starts yelling into the streets to kill him. And somehow has this like weird, like announcer at a NASCAR race PA voice that echoes throughout the entire city. It's a weird literally. It's like, and he's, he's, he's coming, coming down down the street street street. And somehow the village people there are compelled to just obey whatever the madams screams out of a window. Right. So they just go homicidal. Right. So they do the classic hide in the alley

trick and that works and everybody runs right past him until he leaves the alley and everyone's like, oh, he's there and he's like, shit, god, wait a second. They're that old waiting a second trick. I forgot about it. Well, he leaves the alleyway because the Scooby-Doo gambit worked. And then he goes, and somehow he and Delilah split up, she's like, hey, go meet me at my summer house, which I don't tell you where it is. Yeah. And then he hides behind this two by four,

and then that's like too much hiding, so he goes behind a stick. And then finally, somebody's like, I see you, and he's like, damn. Okay, so let's talk about the door. We have to talk about the door. Yes. He gets, he gets cornered by the mob and there's this door, which it's like it was made

by the same company that made the boulder. It could not look less wood or more fake. It was so fucking artificial. Yeah, it was so fake. And he, he, me and Heath laughed out loud. We were, we lost our goddamn minds because it is so obviously, it's, it's, it Yeah, it was so big. And he, he, me and Heath laughed out loud. We, we lost our goddamn minds because it is so obviously it's the strong man's that where you lift a big thing of wood on your shoulders because that's relatively easier to do. But honestly, he might as well have just been like, do you know what? Give me the strength to pull this jumbo jet with my teeth. It could not have been more artificial and

horned in. So he, he lived this wooden thing and then like pushes the door, but everyone involved didn't realize how bad this would look. And he just sort of tilts to the side. And then he's sort of like, nah, totally. It's like they had one take and they'd never rehearsed it. So they were just going to get what they were going to get. So he's like, oh, Jesus, man. And he pushes it up and then it kind of falls and cracks. And then he's totally hidden from the crowd by the door. And it's less like, and it was more like you had paid some guy to haul an old garage door to the dump and

he's just pulling out of the driveway and slowly scraping into the darkness like that was the miracle. Well, and he takes it for such a long time. He walks with the door for like a minute. And I thought he was just going to be like, I'm taking your door. What would be great is that he dragged it down to Habitat for Humanity and donated it. He's like, who needs a big door? I just like that. And he's got that really, that really dramatic line where he's like, let them witness, let

them witness the power of the living God for all their door removal and disposal needs. And they didn't even light the space beyond. So as soon as the door goes like two feet, it's just gone. In the darkness, it was amazing. Also, can we talk about the fact that this is the guy who killed a thousand trained soldiers with swords, and he was armed only with a bone, but he's quickly bested by 15 villagers who are literally carrying pitchforks and torches. Well, he's older now. His beard would get in the way. He couldn't see fast the beard.

Yeah. Right. So he throws the door down or then walks into it like a bug's bunny painting. I don't understand what happened with the door. I don't understand how he got, but he gets away. There's people with arrows that were shooting him before, but now they're not.

He's fine because of the door. So because it's everybody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I know we wanted to kill this guy, but let's see how this door gambit plays out. Yeah, exactly. So he gets away somehow. And then we cut over to him in a, I guess it's a dream sequence. He's walking through the woods and he's thinking about his dead wife and he's injured from the fight, but we don't know where he is at the moment. It's literally a direct ripoff

of the most iconic scene of Gladiator where he's walking with his hand going through a wheat field. Wheat. It's more wheat. Like, maybe they thought if they put enough wheat in the entire movie, then they could rip off one of the most important, like one of the biggest blockbuster hits of all time and nobody would notice. Oh, absolutely. This movie is filled with, can we get that scene from Troy in here, director snouts?

Right. Are you not, and are you not amused? She's nursing him back to help by oiling his pecs. I wanted to just get side tackled by Mark Mystein. There's a cut back in Mark's in a wig and he's just like, right, whatever. That's what you know what? You lie only the love of man can truly cure another man. You should try it. But she did she did dab his his penetrating chest arrow wound with a dirty wet rag. So he's probably going to be fine. Yeah, exactly. You know what they say? Right. So he finally wakes up and we find out that he's been at Delilah's safehouse in the country this whole time. He slept for two days and she healed him up. And she's on his

team now, or is she like a double agent? Like I wasn't clear. She's a double agent. Her plan, which is again, to get him vulnerable and deliver him to Rala is to take him while he's vulnerable and could be delivered to Rala and nurse him back to hell and let him sleep it off. So you can trick him. But you know she's an evil woman because she has all those plastic beads from Z gallery hanging around with her. Or I actually think that the conceit of the film, and this is not the conceit of the book,

but the conceit of the film is that she's actually like falling in love with them, and she's totally like on the up and up, which makes what's happening later way weirder. Right. It would either make the, this part of the movie is insane, or the twist that's going to happen in a couple of seconds is insane, but something's insane. But that makes absolutely no sense. Correct. So, yes, Emson's all healed up, and he heads back home to his village where he gets

scolded by mom and dad, which was fun. He admits his mom's dead. Oh, is it just mom here? Dad's dead at this point? Yeah, they killed dad. Oh, no, wait, they killed dad later. I'm sorry, my bad. Oh, I've given him so many ways. Oh, they who killed that? Oh, no, wait, they killed dad later. I'm sorry, my bad. Uh, I've given away.

Oh, he threatens to kill dad earlier, though. Right. He killed dead. Is that dead? Yeah, that is at some point at the execution. Remember when he puts his head down on the chopping thing, that's right. Yeah, it's one. An excellent movie.

This is an excellent movie. Dad is dead. Everything makes sense. So you can tell how closely we were all paying attention in the third act. So it goes back home and mom is scolding him because he admits his crimes at this point. And that's I guess the big deal is that's how he loses his power. He's like I drank wine and and I killed like 10,000 people and I ate non-gochir honey. It's just like a weird contrast of

things that he's admitting. Remember the killing people wasn't actually a sin. It was the touching with them after he killed them. Right. It's the touching afterwards. Right. And so she's like, don't worry about it. It's good. You're cool with God. God will forgive all that stuff. And I was like, yeah, sweet message. It was indiscriminately as you want. Bet things you don't have. Fuck every line which in Israel. smash up all the lattice, just till God oops in your square. I did like the moment where he's like, mom, God is forsaken me.

And she says God would never forsake his people. Really? Haven't we opened slaves for like 40 years? Ha ha ha. It feels forsakey. It feels a little forsakey. Yeah, and again, like, if this is all based on the idea

that God has the three strike rule, right? He's just like, ah, you touched the dead, you drank some wine, but you keep that hair on your head, kiddo, and the powers are gone. Right. Right. So he gets, he gets scolded about his, his three strikes. And then we cut back to the village again. And everyone's getting ready to, to, they're gathering up weapons and they all, they all want to die in a tax revolt against the king now. Yeah. Okay. And I, I just want to point out, why does every single character in the movie at

this point have a long fake beard? Every character that didn't have a beard at the beginning of the movie now has the exact same long fake terrible beard in this one they all grew the same beard it swept that part of Jerusalem. It was a fat yeah it was it was that was the fashion of the time. I have to wonder if they were like only four extras at this point and they just had to keep redressing them as everybody so they're made out of out of lion mane and synched fox fur. Mm. And again, I just want to point out that this scene has absolutely no purpose, right?

They're like, we must revolt and he's like, no. And they're like, all right, well, I'm upset with you. Just FYI, I'm upset with you. I've been saving these swords for like ever well that's funny because again the town council's like ready to rumble let's go fight Samson we know that you're this big badass warrior we can win and he's like yeah but have you tried fucking a Philistine girl because damn I'm gonna go I'm gonna go do that instead. She's got beads, she's got wheat. And now it is time for what I would like to nominate for most inappropriate cameo in a movie. It's 50 shades

of Samson time. So we go back to Delilah's little country house thing, right? And they're in love because who has time to establish any plot? They're talking about where they would go on vacation and something like that. And then for a weird minute, she's like, so like, what's your weakness? And he's like, fresh ropes. Dude, you bound me in fresh ropes. I know that the king and everybody's trying to kill you, but what makes you vulnerable? It was so transparent.

Do you remember that scene in sneakers, that old Heist movie where Mary McDonald is on a fake date with the bank security dude and she's trying to get him to say the word, passports because it's part of a place that created lock thing. Yeah, exactly. That was way less obvious than this. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

And again, it's very clearly like, I don't know, maybe we could try some rope stuff. Like, I don't know, just modify not to start off. It's the fucking funniest thing in the world. And again, this is again, trying to hint at the Bible story, right? Because in the Bible, his weakness is part of his weakness is being bound with fresh ropes. Well, it's worse than that actually, because in the Bible, he keeps asking him, so what would make you weak? And he he goes and he keeps telling her bullshit stories and then she tries it and it doesn't work and then she's like, well, now you, you lied to

me. So now you have to tell me for real. And he's like, okay, it's actually just, it's fresh ropes. If you tie me with fresh ropes and she's like, okay, I don't worry, I won't try it. And then the next night she ties him up with fresh ropes and she's like, ah, they're going to get you. And he's like, break the ropes. Ha ha. I tricked you again. And like this happens three times and then on the fourth time, she's like, no, you better tell me for real or I'm going to be mad.

And he goes, oh, okay, then I will. Yeah, exactly. And again, the movie plays this definitely off as a BDSM thing, right? Cause he breaks out of the, she's like later, she's going to be like, I'm mad because those ropes didn't work on you. And he's like, yeah, but we had fun though. Come on. You like that? We don't even see the rope thing. We don't even know for sure that she tried it. She just knows that he lied about it somehow. And just mark that footage home and it never made it to the theater. Yeah, I stole it right out of the camera. So, you know, something that they totally skip over is

one of those, those tropes, one of those things that he lies to about is looming his hair, is putting his hair attached to his head in a loom and weaving it while he's asleep. That was one of the things that he says would make him weak again. And so, and she literally does it in the Bible. Yeah. She makes a placemat in his hair and doesn't work. Yeah. They were like, should we get Billy Zayn or a loom? No, it's definitely Billy Zayn.

Fucking loom. They probably choice. They probably cost about the same these days. But again, again, for the second time, this protagonist on our movie has a woman go, and he's just like, okay, okay. Well, except that he lies to her the first time, he's like, oh, the ropes. So like so far, he has kept his secret. Right.

Right. So he gives up his real secret this time. And he's like, yeah, so, well, all right, I guess all I had had my wife got murdered last time I did this, but, you know, what the fuck? It's my hair. My hair is the secret. Yeah. Yeah. She literally pulls the same.

How can we have a healthy relationship? If you don't tell me all your secrets, you've known me for two days. Thanks. Bye. So he tells her a secret, but I just want to touch on this. Before this happens, one scene ago, we kind of skipped over it. We have this totally useless scene where she comes back and reports to Kay and he threatened search and find out the secret. Yeah, and it's kind of another little riddle about like a sparrow looking at the bars of her cage and then a hawk killing the sparrow. And it's pretty, it's hard to listen

from that much, that level of threat from a man that is parsing his lips so hard he might fall over forward. And again, it could not be less subtle. It's like once there was a bird who longed to escape its cage, but I killed it for not doing what I said. The end. Just just talk normally. Keep doing this. You keep doing the evil vague bad, poor, just talk.

Like tell me what once upon a time someone said my evil, bad poetry was bad and I shat in this. Do you understand the metaphor? So I super nice, super nice love poem, Rolla. It's like, Lila, you can do better, girl. You can either be with the gay evil guy or get with the strong serial

killer idiot. I never mind your fucked. It's a shitty time to be alive. Right. So Delilah, and after her threat, drugs, Samson cuts off his hair. Wait, but which by the way, is it just me or is like he thinks that his only weakness is if he gets his haircut, apparently not because drugs work. Yeah, he's a killer. He's a fire in size.

Yeah, apparently Rahip Null also works on it. Like nobody thought to drug the guy. And when he falls asleep, I wanted the queer eye theme to like play and for Carson to come in and like give him the sweetest dude possible. But instead he has along with his silly beard, he now has the silliest fucking bowl cut humanly possible. I don't know if you guys notice this, but I think it is David A.R. White's stupid fucking haircut. I think he insisted on the same stupid haircut he has. I just wish that she would have done like foils to give him some super nice frosty tips like David A.R. White has. That would have been so nice to finish out the movie on. She cuts his hair to basically animal from the muppets.

So, so Rala comes and kidnaps him and he strengthens all gone and Delilah again. And Pokes out his eyes. Don't forget that he like pokes out his eyes too. Yeah, pokes out his eyes. But Delilah seems mystified that this happened. So I am entirely confused by our motivation. So was she, obviously, this poor actress, but burning out the ice thing, I will say that Gayity Vetter did take the super important precaution of sterilizing the blade and the fire before the procedure. That's just, that's just best practices.

Yeah, exactly. No infection. Right, so they burn his eyes out and they take him to the palace and they throw him in a holding cell in the in a basement somewhere along with the brother too. And we get Samson kind of crying and being all sad that he failed again. And he's like, I deserve this. And it's like, yeah, yeah, you're fucking stupid. You do deserve this.

You 100% deserve that. There's this amazing cross cut where we see Delilah like morning and she's got the 50 pieces of silver that she was given by the Jews to kill Jesus or whether they're just mixing all their metaphors but she's crying and she's surrounded by his hair and oh my God crazy billionaire money remake she puts his hair in a wig and kicks everyone's ass. She gets super straight like she told us up. And it's the origin to wonder woman. Yes. It's the same. How amazing would that be? Oh, why David A.R. White? You fail.

New. New. Yeah, his brother, by the way, his brother just kind of showed up just in time to be arrested with him. Like his brother was nowhere near there brother just kind of showed up just in time to be arrested with him. His brother was nowhere near there and kind of just showed up just in time for his to see his brother get arrested and be arrested with him. I'm not sure what that how that drives the plot, but apparently that's a very important feature. So he's not I mean, he's not alone in jail.

So that's nice. He's able to you know, he's got Samson's got somebody to boo who to. And Caleb's freaking out in jail. And I think he's freaking out because he thinks they're going to cut his hair too. And he has been growing that corn row since slave school. You're not letting that go. Right. So Rolla comes in and he wants Samson to like hand him the baton of magic powers.

Right. Yeah. And I wish he's like, tell me how do, how does the power of the God enter me? Missed opportunity. How do I didn't Samson say, it's through the ass roller. It goes in the ass. I don't want to do this, but if you're going to hit me with that flashlight again, let's, let's do it.

That's a nice tunic, by the way. And then he just fills his little lion up with man honey. New my hands would be involved in this. I was staring at them earlier. My hands. Right, but he's basically like, so well, a good start to getting the Jewish God powers. His don't be Muslim. Does that help you at all? Don't be a free Muslim. Is that what you're doing? So, Rala goes to Billy Zane for some advice

and they get in a fight and he just stabs him in front of everybody and he's king now. Billy Zane was so fucking done at this point. If there were phones in Philistinia, he would have used one to phone it in. I would use it when he got stabbed, I just fully expected him to stumble right out of the room. And then we'd hear the door of an airport either close, the port drives off. As he, now, on the other side of that, Rala has gotten to the point where he has reached, I don't even think he was supposed to stab his dad, but the acting had gotten so over the top of that point that literally was the only place he had to go. Absolutely. And then he's just like, look at me.

I'm decaptan now. And now he's burger queen. It's amazing. He literally, Billy's a literally turns around and gives him like a double guns. He's like, good one. And it dies. It's the laziest possible reaction to that scene. Great working with you kid.

I'm out. Right. So now Delilah shows up at the prison. She wants to buy back Samson's freedom with the silver she got paid for stealing this freedom. Like just going to get a store credit at Walmart. She's trying to like make an exchange here. It's really. Is that a thing?

Rola has like captured the most important prize in whatever fucking pretend kingdom this is. And he's gonna use it to show how he has all this power all over the region. And you can just bail the guy out. Right. And let me, let me be honest here. There's nothing worse than an X checking in on you, right? Just like, hey, I know it was bad terms, but I just want to make sure you're okay. It's like,

oh, I'm fine. Stop. Babe, what happened to your eyes? What's going on? I'm fine. They're really great. They're really great. I hated seeing because I saw you zoom. Get you. So, so he, so Samson's like, no, take Caleb instead. They take Caleb instead. And now it's time for some torture porn. Yeah. Right. So this is Samson's trial. Is this the trial for like the exhibition? What's happened?

No, no, they're just trotting him out. He's the new, he's Rala's new favorite party favor. Yeah, this is Rala showing that he's beaten, he's bested this champion, right? It's just like a demo of like, I'm King now, right? He invites all the, all the neighbors into the into the temple or whatever. And he's like, you know, he says, hey, see, look, I've got Samson go, uh, go string him up over the two only two load bearing pillars that we have. Yeah. This is what goes on twice a month that Mar-a-Lago behind closed doors.

Yeah. And I just want to say, I know I've said this a lot, but God is there no better way to show how silly the Bible is and to put it on screen because he's just like, this is the famous pillar pushing scene, right? And I remember this scene as a kid because like, I always really loved the scene. I didn't get this version of the story. Obviously, I got the like super sugar coated and then he saved the day. But like, this is very clearly a suicide bomber, right? Like it's just moment for moment, a suicide bomber. He just pushes pillars instead of pushing

a button. Right. But before that happens, my favorite fucking thing in this is that the Rola is up on his throne and he's got his burger king crown and he's got his little glass of wine. And he's just throwing out all these flippity flap hand signals and lip purses and eye rolls and the executioner somehow kind of gets it. Like they don't make any sense. And I just, I wish there's a cut scene with the two of them just trying to work out like, no, when it roll eyes to the left, lips to the right, my left. You're, I'm surrounded by Philistines. Just hilariously stupid. Now you're spanking. That wasn't a sign. We never had a sign. But when we look stupid, both of us

look stupid now. I don't get to improvise. I don't get to improvise. No, you do not get to improvise. We said that too. Two fingers down, cat of nine tails. How many times do I have to say? You always do this. If I had a nickel. Is he praying? Is Samson praying while we're having this argument? Yeah. What where is hands shaking? What's going on with that? He's getting god powers. He is god powers. He's like poor man has low blood sugar help him out So remember I gave back my god power like a minute ago when I was in the funny story gonna need it one more time Can we just maybe I feel like you make me renew it all the time? Can I just always have it? It feels like this is like this takes time in each scenario

Can it auto renew like a credit card thing? If I give you my credit card number, can it just roll over? And also, it just puts the lie to the entire story that he's broken all his vows. Right. And yet, he can still get the power. So, what's the fucking point? Also, not for nothing, but the Bible specifically says you can't commit suicide. But he's like, dear God, let me kill all of these people and me at the same time, please.

And God's like, yeah, okay. Right. And again, it looks so silly. Like he pushes the pillars and nice belts, but he pushes the pillars. And then they're like, well, wait, that's not how a building would collapse. That doesn't rest of the building collapses, but not the pillars he's under're like, well, wait, that's not how a building would collapse. That doesn't right. The rest of the building collapses, but not the pillars he's under somehow. Just out of spite, right?

The building's just like, oh, no, not those pillars and just like loses it shit, says it doesn't have enough spoons on Facebook and like, delete the Twitter. Not only that, but like, he's literally like the pillars, he's pushing his arms are fully extended just to touch the pillars. Yeah. So he's literally just, yeah, he's using finger power at this point to get them down. Yeah, he did, they, look, it's your movie.

You could put the pillars as close together as you want. Yeah. You made the pillars. And you had a show. It's your movie, you can put the billers together. It's cool. You can barely dream. You can barely touch them both at the same time.

This is going to take a while. Also, it does take a while. There are the entire crowd, which is supposed to be killed by this building collapsing, are getting out. Like hundreds of people are pouring into the exits of this building. Yep. You know what? The drills work. The drills totally work. They get it. It's like, okay, it's happening. You guys go that way. You guys go this way. Who's in charge? You're in charge. And they get out. I'll accept for Rola who's killed.

He's killed by his own poorly mounted God rather than Samson's God. Yeah, he gets crushed by like the evil cat God statue that just decides to like for spite fall down because the pillars fell down or never saw that coming. Right. So he gets smashed and that's pretty much the end of that scene. And then there's one more fucking scene though for no reason. But it doesn't make it's literally just like, um, and like, because it's literally just a montage that could so obviously include an ISIS flag. It's just like, we will care the infidel's the infidel. What are we? Well, and this is the sequel. This is the set up for the sequel, right?

They're going to tell the story of the next horrible Hebrew prophet or person in the Bible, which is David. But in this little slow motion intro, I was so distracted by how big David's ass was. I laughed. I left that lag. Get a big ass for a shepherd boy. It's doing a lot of squats. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a lot of go. David and the lion's coming up next. That's the sequel they set up. And then a black panther

beat the bad guy or something and it was over. I couldn't really hear. So before we wrap it up, I just have one more question based on my theater experience. Who do you guys think would win in a fight? Samson or lack of panther? Well, I think Samson would start with his super good powers of negotiation. And then in five minutes would have agreed that all the Hebrews have to be Wak condos janitors forever and he Samson will kill himself for being rude enough to ask I would see that movie I I would say

So okay by now by the story of Samson in the Bible the story of drunken a kid Noah and his son Ham have already happened right so Theoretically there are black people as this point in the narrative So it's conceivable so I think at at Black Panther asks Samson his secret weakness, then used it to kill him immediately. Yeah, Black Panther. He's got it. Right. Yeah. I was going to say, as of right now, Black Panther's killing Samson by a couple hundred million dollars. So yeah. Right. And I guess the weakness is seeing your dad's dick is that how that story worked with no one ham yeah right yeah three came out all right uh one other follow-up question we guys think had it worse throughout history black people are Jewish people

okay so no is not here about, thanks so much for joining us. How to heretic on ice. Right? Give us those links, links in the show notes. After her dick, racist no matter what they say. Right. Tie. They tie black people in June.

Nope. Nope. Look at them, everybody. I feel like that was two votes. Wait, look, look, look at them. If they didn't tie. And and marks the death of the people. We say find out more. I'm looking down everybody. I feel like that was two votes. Wait, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, you can find us at howtuharetic.com. You can find us on iTunes and Stitcher and any other pod blaster. And you can also find us on Facebook, Dan posts,

every 10 years. That's true. Or go to blackversusjuice.com where you'll find some continuation of the Geese New Podcast. It's a live versus Jews. Yeah, it's a short fight. And you can find me sometimes screaming at the internet on Twitter at how to heretic. Fantastic. Fantastic. All right. Well, that does it for our

review of Samson, but that's not going to do it for the episode yet because we still need to get you excited for next week. So tell us Eli. What is on deck? Invisible enemies, it's they live, but for Jesus. And it's on prime video. The link will be in the show notes. Sweet baby Jesus, stop messaging me on Facebook and using me as Google. Invisible enemies on prime video. Link in the show notes.

Ugh. Okay. All right. And as always, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their eggs, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us add a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed

this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists, the citation needed, and the scepticrat, available on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever else podcasts live. And if you have any questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAlphaMovies at gmail.com. Legal services for the podcast are provided by the law. This is a P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slahnik of the Evil Drafts on Mars.

All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us chunkier life this week for Mark Dan and Eli. I'm Heath promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Till then, leave you with the Brexit Club Close. Samson's great great great great great grandchild went on to become president of the United States until Russia asked him his weakness. It was hooker pee. And don't worry, I'm not at all offended that it's that you haven't used me in this at all and just went with market.

I mean, I'm the one with the acting degree, but that's fine. It's totally cool. I get it. No big deal. Yeah. But I'm the one who writes and pink. It's true. Super gay.

Should I gay this up? Should I minstrel this a little bit? I mean, if you, whatever you want to do, make choices, make both choices. That's the gayest I've ever sounded. That was so. He sounds less gay when he's sucking his husband's cock. Yeah. True. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC cap your a 2018 all rights reserved.