God Awful Movies - 133: Psalty the Songbook Volume One

Episode Date: March 6, 2018

This week, the gang collectively lose their minds as they delve into a failed dancer's acid trip called Psalty the Songbook. They will never be okay again. Get more info about [Nanocon](https://nashvillenones.com/). Get more info about the [American Atheist Convention](https://www.atheists.org/convention2018/). --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

You could see the guy in the book suit. He's about to snap. He's He's gonna go by a gun in a drive-through is about to happen. If this pun doesn't fucking land He's gonna stab these kids and he's like so intense. He's like hey kids. What's the nose doing? And they're like jogging away. He's like yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, but what's another word? Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, but what's another word? I Want to Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Ben Wright, he's welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who spent six hours driving the last 10 miles of a trip home yesterday? Oh, me.

I did. It was I, oh my God, I was so mad. It was literally, it was six hours of like ice board Mario Kart. It was, I'm trying every different route. They're all blocked. I got so ag, if there was a recording of me in my car by myself, it was the craziest thing ever. I'm screaming, I'm punching stuff. I'm punching myself laughing maniacally. Sometimes weeping all different combos of these things.

I'm sitting now. I had texted me in the city. I texted them. I'm like, hey, blizzard, white out conditions. They like all my phones, like, not saying don't drive unless it's a matter of life and death, you know, don't come out here. It's two feet of snow fell in one day, a little more where we're at. And I'm like, yeah, don't, whatever you do, don't come in. About two in the morning, he comes in, I look out his car's like vertical, just driven up this snow bank that that's been created where they plowed road and he's like, yeah, no, I made it. Well, I drive a really long the top of

the lands in front of the house he gets out. Cut. Cut. Just sweeping in front of it. Whoa, whoa. Yeah. Yeah. All right. There it is. Good.

All right, then I've, wow, we've gone far afield. I guess I still haven't introduced my bad friend 81 miles to my right. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? It was a little rainy. I walked to the gym yesterday. I brought an umbrella. It was windy. And so I had to put the umbrella back. And I just, I got nice and cozy inside. I worked on a talk for 27 hours or so so, 27 of the 24 hours yesterday. That's what I did. So, Dallas Heath, now that we've, you know, we've all, we're all caught up on everybody's weekend. What will we be breaking down today? Every single tree in the state of Pennsylvania fell down in front of my car at some point last night. It was, but it was

like Ed Harris was flying around in a drone trying to stop me from getting out of the crewman show so I couldn't get home. Oh, I got, I literally got turned around by a tree across the front of the road. I was nine times your nine times on a crazy different back road. You have to like back up like 17 miles on an interstate. Oh, okay. Well, I finally found some like an open part of highway at one point, but I got like 10 miles down from my entrance and there's just a huge line of trucks, like a tent city of trucks that are just giving up. They were just hanging out at this point.

There's no moving. There was like garbage can fires and like a weird black market economy at this point. It was nuts. So I see this happening and I'm like the last person on this ridiculous line. I literally backed down the highway and miles back to my entrance ramp, mostly like rolling down a hill backwards in neutral for like 10 miles eventually got home via fucking Montreal It was ridiculous Wow, you got to hit the tree you just back you guys speed up and that's what car turns this for you just give it a good Heart that string did teach that tree who's boss. Yeah, that's the key

So tell us he's we watched all right All right, we watched. This is like, I mean, I know like this is also as bad, right? Like the other two things that you had to do over the weekend, watch this movie and drive home in a blizzard. These like, like, which is worse? I got back and had to finish my notes about salty, the fucking song, book, part one. God damn it. It's the, it's okay. So salty the song book, part one. God damn it. It's okay. So salty the song book part one. That's what we did. It's the story of nothing. There's literally no story. We watched a 1981 music video for an album of Christian kids. And I've never hated Eli more. It's important to point out that Eli is the one that that picks these movies and thus bestows

all of these wonderful weekends upon us. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Barney the dinosaur, but you hate how much sense the plot made and how much thought was put into the writing, you will love this acid trip. Right. Thank you. The whole time, the whole time we're watching this, I'm getting the feeling like everybody got really high and we were just flipping through channels and this was on and no one could change it. We're just all slack, John, staring

at it, looking at each other once and all going, is this really on? No. All right. So yeah, yeah, salty the songbook volume one, there were two YouTube comments on this available free on YouTube. I wanted to share these two. Matt Rosenboom said, looking back on this, I more and more feel that this was straight brainwashing and I can tell my parents for pushing this on me. Yes. More and more. Yeah. So he was like medium on that.

Okay. Yeah, but Matt, you are correct and you should be angry. And then my all time favorite YouTube comment ever, this is a Yanu Oliamika who said, this is better than the salty volume five bullshit. I like this older stuff. Yeah, right. Before he went all commercial, please tell me that there's this level of infighting in the Christian children's entertainment community and that they're like, they're all

feuding on Twitter right now. Just like, oh, you're a volume five, or aren't you? Motherfucker. It's about ethics and children's entertainment. So that was anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at. I would say best worst. A main character trying to mask the ultimate sadness.

No right. There's a grown man dressed as a book like a mascot book. He's like like a sign spinner for a life way Christian bookstore. Yeah. And behind his eyes, you can just feel it. It's the bleakest, most desperate pain and suffering I've ever seen. He's just like staring off into the middle distance, like listen to crying babies and German dubstep, like starving puppies, it's wildly depressing.

Oh, it really is. They could put all the purple face that they wanted on them. They could not hide the pain. I was going to go with best worst and now it's insane. Okay. Right. Because like over and over again, as we're listening to the sister watching this, I'm thinking to myself, oh, how are we going to make fun of this? right? This is just a you know classic stupid Christian kid song But then they've changed the lyrics out all of them to make them insane. Yep. So just as you're thinking oh, okay This one won't be insane. Maybe we'll skip oh, it's insane. Yep I'm gonna go with best worse and it's over I'm gonna go with best worse and it's over

From the show itself to songs that'll be like Cow says move all right that's it Cow says move right right yeah every song that ended every scene that ended every little plot point that ended and the show itself Every every one of us like and now we're done. Okay, okay, we're moving on. Also, runner up, best worst, the characters start talking about rehearsal in the middle of the thing. We're gonna get to it, but there's a moment at which salty the songbook and a little girl are like, I think I was behind on that take. No, no, I think it's fine. The, I mean, it's not a row, row, row. No, we're right on, we're right on, we're right on. Stupid. All right. Well, obviously, we only just stretch our vocal chords for the single lungs here. So we're going to pause

for a quick break. When we come back, we'll dive into all the pedophilia warning signs that are salty, the songbook volume one. Hey there, do you need a new podcast co-host? Hey, looking for someone who doesn't need 22 vacations a year. I has not been 22. It's been 20. Then why not try Zippercrooter? You guys are being jerks. Zippercrooter posts your job over a hundred of the webs leading job boards with just one click. Then Zippercrooter you guys are being jerks. Zippercrooter posts your job to over a hundred of the webs leading job boards with just one click Then Zippercrooter actively looks for the most qualified candidates and invites them to apply and by qualified We mean doesn't miss a show for hammock lessons. You want me to get into a hammock unprepared?

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Free. Just go to zippercrooter.com slash God awful movies. Okay, actually, I think it was because my dad's roommates cousin that's zippercrooter.com slash God awful movie. No, no, okay, I remember now it was my hammock instructors, dads, cousins, best friends, hamster, but that's important. One more time to try it for free, go to zypracruder.com slash God awful movies. Zypracruder, the smarter way to hire. You get hammock unprepared. You're gonna mess up your back every time. Watch, watch. Hey kids, it's salty, the less popular song book. Come on! Yay! Today, we're gonna learn what to do with a baby in Babylon.

It's you! A smasher heads and a rock! That's right! Wait, wait, what? Yes, each and every one. You mean like the soldiers of Babylon? No, the children, the children, just like it says in Psalm 137. That's true. Happy shall be here.

The takeeth and dashes thy little ones against the stones. Okay. I'm not sure that I really want to. The doors are locked from the inside. Cool. Cool. Okay. Well, uh, yay, dashing.

Yay. That's right. And we're back for the breakdown. And just so we know what we're dealing with right away, we're going to start off on the cheapest, shittiest, crayon colored logo we have ever seen. This is like, it looks like mom got this. It's like, okay, this doesn't quite belong on the refrigerator. Keep trying one more.

Yeah, one more. Yeah. One more. Yeah. Right. And equally bad music and sound effects. Oh, but it was like bad for 1981 video games. Yeah. I was picturing Donkey Kong like at an eight bit fully table of nothing but just colored

squares getting on that. Just punching the squares, making weird noises. Yeah. Yeah. So, oh my God. So before we see salty, we hear his voice, right? And it's like the shitty clown that you feel sorry for voice like you want to punch this guy in the face before he's ever on screen. And then he shows up on screen. You're like, Oh, I really want to punch him now. Yeah. There are not enough drugs for this actor to get through the day. Oh my gosh. Okay.

So would anyone like to volunteer to explain the overall look of what makes its way out of the stream here? He looks like Ronald McDonald shoved a cum-soaked book into Barney the Dinosaur. And this is the result. I don't know why Ronald McDonald would have done it. And well, you know, it looks like and then crawled through, right? And then crawled through his stuck his head through his chest or something. Yeah, I know that makes perfect fucking sense. Okay. So yeah, he's where, well, I first I thought he was wearing this creepy luchard or gimp mask. That's just like house paint on his face. Right? That's not a mask.

Yeah, you know, like, there's all those rumors about the Tin Man died like four. They went to four Tin Man and Wizard of Oz. They only went through one salty, the songbook. And the moment he died, they ended the episode. There's a new selfie. It's like Doctor Who except they really die. Yeah, it is probably impossible to describe what a nightmare vision this is, but it's a book, right? And it's made like a cheap mascot for like, you know, whatever our franchise, but there's only four restaurants in it. And it, and he's coming out of the spine of the book is faces and these guys are

I'm sticking out and all of the like writing on the book and the binding and everything looks like it was done with masking tape and they have to keep redoing it between scenes. Right. It says songbook, but the last Oh and the K have to kind of get squeezed in there because there wasn't enough room. It is we are all the director community theater level bad. Oh, yeah. No, it, it, it really, everything that's used in this, in this show is going to be like

that too. This is just the first thing that we see. So he, he is running down the street going, go, come on, boys and girls. And he's gathering children together like Joseph fucking Coney. Yeah. If a book summons your child, do not follow him. This was honestly terrifying. Like he's beyond unmarked van. He might as well have a marked van that says, I rape kids on the side. Just going next. Like we're watching Megan's law, the musical.

That's what we're seeing. Right. I also love the little tiny stab that they made at diversity there. This was 1981 when there were two races. There's white and other ones. Exactly. How weird. But where do we live?

What do we live? I'm saying blacks yet. And he's singing this song as he goes. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. the kid show, but I can't come without skipping. So children's entertainment now. Oh, God, the music was so bad. But I love the musicians seem to be like kind of into it more than you'd expect sometimes, but maybe like ironically, I'm right, right. Yeah. Like this would be

a great movie if we were watching the musicians in the studio the whole time. Like I'd pay a lot, especially the tuba player, because the tuba player is highly featured. He's like the star music. He's going for it in the slide whistle guy, but like, yeah, because I'm just like rolling their eyes, but like getting into it at the same time. Yeah. All right. So yeah, and this is where we're first introduced to the theme song here.

This is the first song that we'll listen to. Now, I've written out the lyrics to the songs because this is basically just, it's all songs more or less. So I kind of have to for you to understand it. So it starts off, I'm a little praser, I'm a hallelujah razor. I stand about three feet tall. So this movie is about Lucinda. Just take away kids. That's more than almost, she's 50% taller than that. Anyway, I'm a little I'm a little pleasure. I'm a holiday razor and I love the Lord best of all. And that's every song will just basically be unrelated sentence unrelated sentence. Jesus unrelated sentence, right? Yeah. There's a bit of a theme there. Anyway, classic a a b a here. Yeah, exactly. So then he's like, uh, every

one's like, and some of this, I should point out as sung by children. You can't understand what the fuck they're saying. So I had to go back 18 times to try to get the lyrics, but uh, but sometimes it's everybody singing. Sometimes it's a kids singing the, the first verse year, I lift my heart when I sing to you, the praise comes out from deep within. Great rhyme scheme so far. With a help with a heartfelt song and a praise filled shout, I love to let my praises out. Okay. 1000% about come.

Why? Concrishions, not right songs that aren't about come. Right? I don't think you can hear songs that aren't about. Honestly, but yeah, this is definitely about come. This is definitely not come. This one. Yeah. I just want one of these movies to fully commit on the sexual relationship with God. Right. Just like a super artful erotic story one time. Why not? Okay, maybe without kids, I feel like. Yeah, no, this would not be the right. I'm bringing this up.

We're kids. No, moving on. Moving on. So we get another chorus. Then he goes, now this was an interesting one to hear come out of a five year old 1981. The kid goes, though I'm short, I can raise the roof. All the sudden, I see appears and starts arming the kids. So why would he? Anyway, stick around and I'll give you proof.

Lee Strobel pops out of a trash can. I got this look here with a heartfelt song of praise for the shout. I love to let my praises out. Honestly, I wanted them to run into a gang of like Latino Catholic kids doing the exact same thing. They have like a rumble. A side story. Then one Jewish kid walked by whistling.

They all beat the shit out of the show. Yeah, well, it's like I'm just needed. Sorry. Who's the Catholics in that one? Who's the Latinos? Um, so yeah, okay. And then we get the dance number. There's a dance number in this song because of course this whole thing is designed to get your kids up and singing about Jesus without, you know, knowing what the hell they're talking about. So it goes, clap your hands, turn around, hug a friend, jump up and down.

And at this point, little thing, they go down a slide in like a little park they're at and the slightly fat kid gets stuck. Yes, little fat little thighs. It was in the metal and you like squeaks down. Yeah, it's really paid other kids are passing in. It's so good. Don't kick. Don't kick.

I also love the fact that this is the basically they're saying like, look, man, we know the kind of kids that are going to listen to this. If we get, if we get tougher than turn around and hug a fry, that's we're going to lose him. So, yeah. So then then we close with praise the Lord with all your might and be a little prazer too. A little prazer. That's the name of this this whole episode, I guess, whatever is salty songs for

little prazers. But this is a really late rhyme on a loser razor from long time ago. Who the fuck am X Y? Jesus, rhyme. Get whatever it is. All right. And then it's time to move over to Sultis worship workshop. This is the shittiest minute sure you have ever seen. Yeah. This is, hey, mon neph you made a gingerbread house that we can use for selfies now.

Well, he tried and gave up last year and it's still sitting around. And why did they do that? They couldn't find the exterior of any building or anything. Why don't you an establishing shot for that? Like we're going to be doing what the fuck are they inside now? What happened? Just go to the next scene. And the interior looks bananas as

well, it looks like what Peewee's playhouse looked like the week after they caught him jerking off in that porn. Oh, shit thrown everywhere. Everybody is afraid to say the secret word. Yeah, no, it's definitely, it definitely has like a dark feel to it, right? Like the sadness of the actor just fucking saturates everything in there. Oh, it's delicious. Also, there's a big rainbow archway at the entrance. I feel like that pushes the Christian audience. I wish to check the dove foundation, see if they've got a warning about that. And they freaked out about colors yet. Yeah, they're pretty, they're pretty pissed about refraction.

The lights. Yeah, exactly. The lights spectrum is a problem for them. All right, so so all the kids come in to Sultis dungeon and he's about to give his little opening monologue for the episode and a giant nose on the wall sneezes. Yeah. This will be a major character in the episode. Yeah, it is very, very Jewish. I thought Heath was going to like come into frame and date it. It was very, very Jewish. So what? Yes.

Be right along. I don't need to do something. I don't want to pick these. It's like a scab, right? I don't want to pick at that one. So, okay, they don't have a big nose? That one we're gonna pretend? So, we're gonna say, okay, okay.

Well, we're not gonna say it. All right, so the nose, by the way, this is, this is salty new invention, the nose at all. See, and the nose. There's some great puns that are gonna go ahead. Oh, that's the first of many great puns. See, and the nose. There's some great puns that are going to go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and go. Yeah. Just the first of many great puns. Oh, absolutely.

Won't spoil the other ones yet. And the nose at all is an all-knowing computer that sneezes confetti. And when it sneezes confetti, the cheers audience goes nuts. Also, can we acknowledge that someone, when they introduce the nose at all, someone cut in a single frame of laughing mouths like I was being trained to shoot the fucking president. Yeah, what the fuck was that it's just like disembodied mouth screen for a second and we're bet we're gonna completely ignore that. And I want to go back and pause it and see like kill the Chinese. I was like,

Pink Floyd the wall. They all turn into pajamas. They look Nazi hammers. No reason for that. Oh my God. Yeah. All right. So the kids, he tells them like this knows, knows all things and you can ask it anything. And so they decide to give it the Christian Turing test, I guess. Yeah. He invented Christian theory in 1981. It's actually kind of impressive. Yeah, right. He's basically the Neil Stevenson of Christian musicals. There you go. All right. So, so this one girl asked him is she's like, okay,

I've got a tough question for this knows. She says, who loves us more than anyone in the whole world? Can anybody guess what the answer is going to be? That's right. It was God. God. God. Now, I want to point out, I asked Alexa and she said, I'm sorry, I don't know that one. So knows it all one. Alexa's zero. And I just want to say a computer that knows everything that's just a snazzy nose from 1981. This was like day 12 of a Coke binge when they wrote a real question. It's like Stephen King wrote an episode of Sesame Street. That's what we're gonna. The writers are just sitting there and all of a sudden he goes, wait, Frank, stop. Don't move. I've got a brilliant idea.

Sneez is blood all over their notes so far. All right, fine. You know what? It's a nose that shoots stuff everywhere, whenever you ask a question, all right? You like that? And everybody gets attacked by sentient trucks. No, no, no. Well, maybe, but not for now.

So he went dusty, Eski. He thought trains were gonna kill him, because he had no name. Yeah. All right, so, okay, so now there's one boy though, he's a bit of a skeptic. He's not buying this nose, sentient computer, so he wants to ask a follow up question.

He says, how do we know that God's that God loves us? But before the nose can answer, he's like, well, wait, wait, I want to get sneezed on. Really weird. Well, I felt like at that moment, I'm like, if the rest of the video isn't going to explore that, why bring it up? Yeah, exactly. I wanted that kid to just like put Fett life away on his phone. He's like, no, okay. Okay, I was about to ask, is that a, is that a fetish being sneezed on? I signed you up for it. I signed you up for it. Excellent.

And if you'd like to help make Keith's Fett life profile, just go to www.fettlife.com. forward slash God awful. Get creative. I'm saying dollar patrons get to make he's. And he'll do it. He'll do anyone that mess. Get creative. Yeah, no other patrons get to make it And he'll do it. He'll do anyone that mess. Yeah This is all true. I Two votes like you guys Not we'll discuss it off the air and then we'll decide it's true with Andrew

Yes All right, so the nose okay, so he gets his follow-up question. How do we know God loves us? And he says, oh, it says so in John 316 and then he quotes it. Now I want to point out again, I asked Alexa. I said Alexa, how do we know that God loves us? And she said, I found three love deities, Aphrodite, Cupid and Venus. It's time up. One to one. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So yeah, you thought she was getting behind, but yeah, no, they didn't ask any more questions. So we can, we don't get a tie breaker. So I'm still going with an Alexa with a dirty pagan, which is good because we are like six

years away from fucking Alexa. So like, yeah, exactly. She's really rooting for Philly during the super well. I love her then. So I fuck her then. So. All right. So nose and all, by the way, is also like a personal, like a, what do they call them? The digital personal assistance back in the day in 1981. So yeah. So nose and all also keeps salty schedule.

He's like, what's with schedule today? And the nose says, do fun things about God's light and God's love. That's his schedule. That's his to-do list. Them's his honeydews. Yeah. So then this red-headed girl comes out. He starts talking about God's light.

Now, I know she's a kid. But holy shit, she should have been aborted. This kid was a goddamn mutant. I think she was aborted. She looks like she looks like Carrot Top's fetus. Like a lot like that. Pretty cool. Talked to her baby.

And so she comes up to salty and she goes like, it's God like the sun sign. And you see what salty be like, hey, all right. The fear we find you honey. Honestly, yeah, she is right. She said the word sunshine, you could see cancer start growing in her stands like a rippling up. She is recessive. Yes.

And then this other kid goes, do you mean the stars? And I wanted something to be like, shut up Kyle, the son is a star. Now I go into the Bible. All right, you know what Kyle? You go sit with the others now. Yeah. All right. So, but the black girl, she asked the right answer.

She says, the light of God is Jesus. Yeah. And it's And it's getting super philosophical at this point. I feel like the kids asked a bunch of questions here and they had to cut it because they were like a few. Wait, so Jesus is the light and Son of God. We are all gods, many gods. No, no, no. No. But why would there be evil? Right.

Also, and that literally happens, by the way, because at one point the girl goes, but wait, this book says we're the light. And I'm like, oh yeah, that was your problem with this Becky. Yeah, that's the ponytail. You're probably who exactly is the light of God. Yeah. Right. And by the way, and she's so, and she finds this so important that she has her Bible open to chapter and verse to challenge Southeast bullshit. In case you want to say it's not

there. She's like, I thought we were the light of the world. You ignorant slut. And he's like, oh, yeah, the book doesn't really make sense. Hey, little black girl, let me earmark the 48 hour rule for you. If you got a, you want to go through this book. So yeah, and then this little Asian girl comes up and she starts talking about how, like she asked Jesus into her heart and it is the saddest fucking thing I've ever seen. Yeah, it's not good. It's like, have you ever had someone tell you how well an MLM is going for them?

It's like, he agrees less sad than that. No, really, Urbalife, the difference though is that you don't have, I use it, so it's what, why are you crying? I'm like a turn style in the internet. So okay. So the little girl says, I love Jesus, and it just so happens. So the song book goes, hey, you know what? There's a song about that in my pages. John, turn me to page 37.

Oh my God, watching a kid open this man's ass to page 37 is very upsetting. That's what happened. You get you get used to it, but I understand how I understand how it's your first time. I want to know, do you like that? That's right. Now page 44. lick your fingers, John. Lick your finger. You know what those pages just stick together. Oh, hold on. We're going to crack open a book. But also we should point out that this suit, costume is so cheap, the kid can't actually

open the block or look through. So she says, a ruffle around with the little leafy things for a second. He just cups his cheeks for a second. He's like, there we go. It's like the kid you cut away right before the kid goes like that doesn't make any fucking sense though. Right? So yeah, we basically watch a rifle around for a wallet for a few seconds. Think he doesn't count. And then they sing this little light of mine. Well, yeah, well, right, not the same version you've heard before. No.

Yeah. And first I was like, could they not get the right. Did this little. Yes, we're going to find out why we're going to find out why they've vanilla ice the music so they could steal a public domain. Yeah, that's public domain. Oh my God, right. Yeah, so they started off normal enough, this little light of mine. And of course, like everything in this goddamn thing, they say that 75 times let it shine,

let it shine, let it shine. But then they break away. And this is my first, oh good, it's insane moment, right? Because I'm like, well, how the fuck are we going to make fun of? Let it shine. If they're going to just do stuff like that. But no, the fucking first verse apparently is don't let Satan put it out. Satan. That's why they're using this. Yeah. Yeah. You know, because I always

thought this little light of mine was missing a direct reference to the demon that lives underneath our feet. One of the lesson on dormant in hell is blowing out your candle. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. That's what Tennessee Williams is forced to do. Yeah. But I just think a lot of sense though, like religious people do act like their faith is a literal candle.

Well, yeah, they get together. It gets way bigger and super dangerous. They fly off the handle. People come near them. That's like, they're trying to do laws about like, you know, refusing to sell water to gain people. It's, it's very similar. Yeah, no, yeah, absolutely.

All right. So now we move on. They go, you know, they do their whole height. And under a bushel. No, I'm going to let it shine. And in here, one of the kids appears dressed like a candle, but like it takes a minute to figure out that's what they're going for. I wanted him to walk over and light a kid dressed as a crucifix on fire and then all the black kids run away. It's just like yellow construction paper.

It's still all kitty. Well, that's the thing like because I couldn't figure out I was a candle. At first, and I'm like, oh my God, they're going to set him on fire like Wickerman now. Well, honestly, the candle costume, it's made of a white sheet and a pointy hat. That's the costume. That's literally the cost. I would have paid anything to see the parents of the black kids wearing the stuff. They just all the sudden stop clapping like Trump's state of the union. It's just a silent angry face. Oh, congressional black caucus with. Yeah, right. So yeah, so then they wrap up, you know, let it shine till Jesus comes. I'm gonna let it shine blah, blah, blah.

Right. And now even more of them are candles. It's spreading like zombies. Right. You'll turn into candles too. They barricade the door. One kid's like, no, I'm fine. There's like a little bit of candle on his elbow. It's all going to put a shock

under the back of his head. All right. And then, okay. And we've already discussed this, but we haven't actually encountered it yet in the show. This is one of those hard cut endings, right? Because it's like, let it shine. Let it shine. I'm tired, Right apropos of nothing record needle noise Next scene oh my god here we are well and the fucked up thing is because we just jerk our way into this scene as though something right before It was cut and the way this little girl was talking it seems like something really sinister just got cut Right, she's like I'm tired. I don't want to do it anymore salty songty is songbook. I'm like, Oh my God. This has a very oxfam feel to it. Right? Look, Ory smoking a cigarette. He slapped around the ass.

He's a nice work. Nice work. High five. High five. Yeah. Rose, you know, all of you who high five after sex. You guys don't. This bump. What do you do? Yeah, we're modern people. We fist bump. Okay. Um, that's what they mean when they say fisting. He's in case anyone ever asked for that. Uh, you might, you should put it on your, uh, fat life profile. Uh, so, so now, so, but this is really weird too. Because instead of going like, oh, you're tired, perhaps you should take a nap or something. He goes, oh, well, you just need a little more oil in your lamp.

I was like, whoa, I am not comfortable. I started laying out rails for the kids. He's like, all right, I don't want anyone to get the jitters, bumps. Hey, Jeremy, I'm looking at you. All right, weekend warrior, a bump. I mean, just to ask her to fuck again, don't be weird about it. It's just, be honest. Yeah, it's all this option in your gumption, bullshit. All right. So it's also an actual thing.

He said, yeah, no, yeah, you need more oil in your lamp. You need more gumption in your, you need more dick in your lamp. You need more gump shinn in your umption. You need more dick in your ass. I'll fuck, fuck, go back. Go back. Um, so okay. So after this incredibly uncomfortable butt loob euphemism, he invites all the kids to get

on imagination circle. And here's how imagination circle works. Apparently you get in this circle and you walk around and then so deep way to one person, he says, where would you like to be? And then they all appear in that place. Oh, and one kid to run in a square and they get teleported to like mecca, the cob a thing. Like, what do you do? Oh, it's the imagine it's Jesus circle. One kid's running in a star. They teleport to

Israel. Yeah, right. So yeah, but he turns to the one kid and he's like, they teleport to Israel. Yeah, right. Um, so yeah, but he turns to the one kid and he's like, where do you want to go? Bobby and Bobby doesn't know what to fuck to say. You know, he's on the spot or whatever. And he asked the wrong state, he asked the stupid question, he asked the what should we call ourselves question or whatever. And he goes, a farm and then I got all the other kids like, oh, you fucking asshole.

You can be a water park. Dick. So yeah, but and then they appear on a farm and one kid does the boy, it sure smells like a farm bit and then the addition body, mouth, come back. That was fun. Oh, also this is crazy moment.

We see a cow costume, but it's unlike any cow. It has two legs. First of all, it's like, they got it from a furry convention, sold all those important holes closed. Like, they were like, they're cow costume. No, you know what it was. I honestly think what it was is they got one of those two man cow costumes, but they couldn't get a second guy. And it's just dragging. I think that's what I think that we were looking at though, right? They're like, no, no, just film the fat side of it.

We won't see. I mean, in the, it will be for me back up, they'll see, but they won't be looking at that. They'll be looking at the kids. Just like for the scene front guy quits. You guys. It's the worst. All right, well, we'll figure it out. I don't know what you said about oiling up that little girl.

No, no. I'm gonna go be an atheist where this kind of thing never happens. So, all right. So each of the kids grabs a lantern and I'm like, am I on drugs? I mean, other than those ones like like the price show up and split something to get my face to my bacon and eggs, there's a, what the fuck? But this, but, but apparently this is the opening for the oil in my lamp song. Yeah.

Which by the way works really well with the previously introduced butt-loop interpretation. It does, yes it does. Um, because the opening line is give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning, burning, burning, it should be giving me oil in my lamp, keep me from burning, burning, burning. But you know, it's basically the same idea. Give me oil in my lamp. I pray is the line, which is no fair since this is obviously a Buddhist song from the 70s. I'm just saying.

Yeah. And so, yeah, and then we get again, again, it's all repetitive. So give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning, burning, burn, and keep me burning till the break of a day. Okay. This is an all night cocoa orgy with candles hot wax and lamp. There's no other explanation for this. Like some dude did a giant line. He was like, the whole night, it's a Christian kids album. I'm a fucking genius. Otherwise known as a reason, con. So they go through the chorus or whatever they get. And then again, this is a classic Christian song, but they've just changed the lyrics to

make it more insane. Because then they go, they, they do the whole, I will sing Hosanna to the King of Kings thing. And then they go, give me gas for my Ford. Keep me trucking for the Lord. Give me gas for my Ford, keep me trucking for the Lord. Give me gas for my Ford. I pray. Okay. Weird place for a commercial. Can't imagine that sponsorship is official. Excellent illusion to Aldous Huxley though. The brand new world. So clever, LeBretis. This is whatever album. Yeah.

No one has ever said that before. Okay. So yeah, they do the same thing again. And then they do the course and during the course, they're all on this old truck, you know, as they're singing, give me gas for my Ford and salty is like behind them acting like he's pushing the truck, but clearly he's not doing that. But he's groaning like he's taking a difficult shit anyway. See, I thought that actor was just letting out the pain he felt during the tank. They were like, yeah,

and it looks and he was like, I want it to be a teacher. All right, he did not say words. All right. How about give me umption for my gumption? Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. The lyrics just give a ball together at this point. I think he was taking a difficult shit and that. Yeah. Totally just breaks down into ram. We are at church with your grandmother. It's Easter and she's going to die next year. So you're like, that's a. Yeah. I thought honestly, like when I got to this part of this song, I'm like, okay, they realized that eventually there was going to be an atheist podcaster that had to copy these lyrics into the notes.

And fuck that guy. Because the next line is give me umption in my gumption. Let me function function function. So sexual. Right. Umption. I don't think it's a word, but me function function function. So sexual. Right. Ampction. I don't think it's a word, but it sounds really sexual. To be fair though, if they're double playing us, like if they just slid in one like put

it in the holo my dick and we'll all sing it like, we'd be like, wait, no, and then they would just never acknowledge it. That's a pretty good getting an ass, right? No, I would if they had done that, that would have been really funny. So, yeah, yeah, crazy, doesn't air money. Maybe we can make that happen. So, and of course, the whole time we're also getting the choreography of the kids on the farm, ho and and farm and doing slave labor on this farm. And honestly, this was way closer to a Negro spiritual than I was with like a bunch of the kids black kids doing this farm labor. It was very, very upsetting.

All the white kids are just watching. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. But also, I feel like given the lyrics right here, they were just at a certain point, you're just fucking with God, right? Like he's like going through the heavenly grocery stores and they go, they need, okay, oil for their lamp, gas for their Ford. What the fuck is Umption? Where am I guys, this is the organic guy? What the fuck are you even asking for?

We've been wanting, all right. Umption, she doesn't text them back and then you get home and she's like, oh, you didn't get the Umption? And it's like, I texted you while I was busy. Well, then you should home and she's like, oh, you didn't get the option? And it's like, I texted you while I was busy. Well, then you sh- That's fine. I'll give it a go.

We'll get a option. So you want two beds at American Atheist's? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I just like my privacy. Who's that? And then, okay, so they go through the, that first verse to get about the oil and the lamp or whatever. And then we are violently yanked out of that number so that the kids can tell them there's

been a paper. The nose at all is missing. Right. And again, it's like, oh, this is what TV's like. If it's made by people who have no idea how TV's made because it's not like, oh, no, kids, it's just like, it's missing. Oh, my God. He's telling us on their stabbing each other. There's pitch because it's not like, oh, no, kids, it's just like, it's missing. Oh, my God. He's on the stab in each other. There's a bunch of people. We don't know who it was.

The bomb. Well, okay. And now we're going to introduce a very disturbing element into this story. And we're going to do it for nothing other than nose puns, but nose it all apparently is essentially being that wants to escape. And we're really going to under deal with that. Oh, yeah, he gets shot by a cop. They dog pile in while he's not resisting. It is not cool. It's not easy to watch.

Yeah. So apparently nose it all got sygobinopy and salty spitch and try to run away. And then we see the nose running around. Oh my fucking god, it's so disturbing. Right? Cause they can clearly they couldn't figure out how to make a suit shape like a nose continue to be shaped like a nose. And then it's just severed in the back. Oh, it's very clearly a ball sat costume that someone like put a cramp. No, no, no, no, but then was like, now it's a nose. Yes. You guys don't have freckles. No, we don't have what I'm saying. I don't understand. So, yeah. So, the kids chased the nose around and he's like, oh, no, running nose. Yeah.

The whole thing is just to get that pun to happen. And you can see, you can see the guy in the book suit he's about to snap. He is breaking. He's going to go by a gun and a drive through his bow to happen. If this pun doesn't fucking land, he's going to stab these kids. And he's like, so intense, he's like, Hey, kids, what's the nose doing? And they're like jogging away. He's like, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, but what's another word? For that.

I'm scamping. I'm scorned. I'll fucking kill you, Rick. No line. I went to Juilliard. And look, and I thought at this point, I'm like, okay, so that's going to be the plot of this thing. The nose it all went missing and they got to go find it. But nope, that existed solely for the running nose pun. That was it. This is crazy moment where the girl goes, well, when my nose runs, I need a handkerchief. And so she hands the nose, a handkerchief. And she goes, the nose, a handkerchief. And she goes,

here knows, blow. And I wanted the nose to like slowly sink to its knees. You get a full remake of I spit on your grave, but with the nose at all. Don't Google that. So. And, and okay. So now salty whiplashes this way onto an unrelated subject. He's like, you know, speaking of noses, Jesus had one of them. And now he asks all the kids to tell them about a time that God helped them with their problems. Okay. And the first girl is, uh, I used to be afraid of the dark, but now that I know that God watches me always, always, I can't sleep anyway. So right.

It's dark. His eyes always burn into my every action and thought. Well, and look honestly, if, if it's not creepy enough that they're doing that, the answers will make it creepy enough. Cause like the next kids, like, I love Jesus because he took away my sins. I can ask God to forgive me if I do something wrong. And then she goes on with this with a, you know,

death protest too much kind of an answer here. Oh, yeah, because Jesus took away my sins is a terrifying start to a sentence, especially from a child. That's gonna end with like, and that's why I'm a serial killer now. That's pretty, we're close. Yeah. And salty says, there's nothing you could do to make God stop loving you. I wanted them all to surround him with knives and he's like, wait, except for hurting

salty. Well, but see, that struck me as the opening line to with that in mind, who's seen a penis before, right? Like that. Remember, kids, no matter what you do to me behind closed doors, God will still love you. Anyway, okay, but it just so happens that that's what the next song is all about. What is what the next song is all about nothing. Jesus fucking Christ, okay. Well, it's about racism. Well, I don't know if it's about racism, but it's certainly exhibits that they're like, well, you know, since this is going to be a soft shoe number, why not start with the black kid this time? Hey, Joe, this movie hasn't been, you know, really racist yet. He had us with some of that

Sambo stuff. And we get the black kid doing soft shoe basically. Yeah. Minstrel show like he might as well have white face with black face on top of it. So rough. We're probably looking awful lot like the purple face they did for, for salty at that point. Oh my God. And the lyrics, like every song, the lyrics get dumber, right? Yeah. Somehow these songs get lazier as the show goes on. Yeah. Right. And you would think after this one, well, at least we're at the bottom of that. But no, we'll prove there's none. And okay, here's the opening look to give you an idea how lazy we already are. And there are songs left. God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me. Jesus is real. Jesus is real. Jesus is real. He's so

real to me. All right. Nobody writes a children's song about a thing they actually believe is real. I just want to throw that right there. I mean, there's no Borillium isn't made up song. Yeah, but he's crazy. This is all the mess. All right. So then he saved my soul. He saved my soul. He saved my soul and made me whole. And then we go back to God. His good God is good. God is good.

He's so good to me. Better than the shoes. Better than the most right. Better than the ADS. Most importantly, we're better than the Jews. Remember Jews. That's the the person I run to. We close out of hollily and I have to admit, it's hard to look away from this train wreck. I paused.

I took so few breaks on this one compared to anything else we did because I just had that jawgate moment. But damn it, if we don't have an interstitial to do yet, so we're going to take a quick break. First, I have to give the B side the hard sell here What the fuck are we looking at Don't they have medication for this kind of shit? Seriously, who the fuck makes this stuff like honestly somebody came up with this idea and then kept having it until it was done Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the hoot and Annie conclusion of

Sultry the song book volume one cocaine the hell of a truck Hey folks, a lot of you have asked with us taking a break from live shows this year. What's the best way to meet us in person? Have sex with us. No, no, no, we thought we'd let you know about some live events coming up near you soon. First up, March 4th Noah's giving a talk in Pennsylvania. So make sure you guys, Keith, Keith, that's in the past. No, it's not till tomorrow. Right. No, but yeah, that's because we're recording this on Saturday.

By the time, well, then make sure you follow our Facebook page because we totally gave people a heads up about it at the Facebook page. Yeah, fantastic. Also, there's NanoCon, the awesome convention being put on by the Nashville nuns on March 17th. Right. No, it is going to be an awesome convention, but we're not going to Nanacon. We're not going to be there.

You can't need us. I'm just mad. I'm missing it. And people shouldn't suffer like you're making me suffer. So yeah, okay, Nashville nuns.com. Okay, okay, but we are going to the American Atheist Convention in Oklahoma City March 29th through April 1st. There's a huge lineup of amazing speakers and we're going to be there with a table. So folks come say hi, meet like-minded people and get merch. We only sell it live events like sign copies of our books, Christian Movie

Bingo Cars or Skating Atheist T-shirts. You can find out more on buy tickets at atheist.org or check the show notes for this episode and Then you can have sex with us. No, I'm gonna stab you. Well, I mean But it could be both of the things you guys just said don't take his side and to vote even I was even said both Switzerland Okay kids step into the imagination circle. Wow! Now, where do you want to go? I want to go to-

I want to go to a black sheet party. No, wait! Oh no, kids, don't look. Don't look. Yeah! Why is that man punching that other man in the butt? For Christ's sake kids, just don't look anywhere. Just don't look around.

Hey, I need kids want to get cut. I do. Jesus, what's going on? Oh, come on, salty. Someone say salty? Oh, chip. Um, hi, Alan. Oh, man. Looks like jug man's back. Let me see if I can find a funnel. Oh, no, I'm here for work. Oh

Okay, uh, well, you know where the glory hole is. It's a good night probably miss some money, but I know it's not about that for you. Right Right What's uh glory whole And we're back for the break down and we're gonna start off watching salty desperately try to vamp like a Christian extra with a coffee cup Yeah, and something crazy awkward was happening before they could. Because he was, he's going like, so anybody pros, cons? Strong maybe. Okay, we'll try it later. So like, whatever you just like, this is definitely the tail end of like, hey, you know,

you know, some nudity would add a little pathos to this next song. What do you think, kids? Like, it was definitely something like that. Yeah, absolutely. It's every business meeting where I got a turn to talk. It's just like that silent. No, a Heath and Andrew start going, okay. Well, right.

I think if you build a statue of anyone and fuck it, then we'll see. We're an audio medium. Uh, but we're glad to have you on as our new bookkeeper, Jennifer. Great. So, okay. And then, and at first, it's just this whole like, well, we didn't do that in rehearsal. Maybe if we tried, and it just, it felt like, like, started the camera too soon, but then

it's obviously him vamping and just going, so, um, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, And it's the lazyest fucking intro. She basically just comes up and says, so the I want to sing the next song. And he's like, oh, thank God. Oh, and okay, this one absolutely proves Eli's theory that the lyrics are getting lazier as we go. Holy okay.

So and the next one proves it even better. Okay, this is, again, this is just an old kid song that they've added Jesus into, right? Yeah, so it's like touch your fingers to your nose, bend from the waist, way down and touch your toes. Praise Jesus. Yeah, yeah, you stand behind him for that part, isn't he? And when you come up slowly, start to sing and say to the Lord, I love you. I was joking when I heard praise Jesus as a joke into my notes and I was like, oh, there it is.

Yeah, exactly. But yeah, it's basically, it's a Richard Simmons Bible workout that was pretty awesome actually. Right, right, exactly. I'm kind of into this part. And beat up by your housekeeper. Beat up by your house. Beat up by your house.

That's what happened to him. And again, that's that's how interesting the lyrics are. Okay. So again, lays your lyrics. I there is the chorus. I love you. I love you. Say to the Lord, I love you. I love you. I love you. Say to the Lord. I love you. But they're fucking it up. They like, love and you into crazy amounts of extra syllables. Yeah, right? For no, they confuse themselves with the meter of repeating, I love you. Yeah.

Three syllables praise and they like, I love. Yeah. Yeah. Right. It loves. Shit. I want to say 50 shades darker has nothing unsalty to song, but yeah, right. Yeah. Oh, right.

Yeah. Ah, okay. So the next move more to the exercise. Yeah, right. In the exercise program, reach your hands up to the sky, look to your left, then right and blink your eyes. That's them trying to get everything to fit. You see, I feel like if it's in a true Jesus song, salty would smack them before they

turned each cheek on that part. And then you turn around and you start to sing and say to the Lord, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, say to the Lord, I love you. Jesus. Yeah. Okay. And then we go back to touching your finger to your nose because they

couldn't be bothered to come up with a third. Yeah. What a head. Shoulders nose, nose, nose, nose. Right. Right. And this is where they show us one of the kids trying to touch his nose. This kid is, it's a, it's a super long shot of this kid heavily focused on touching his nose with his feet.

Like is he drunk? It's like 80 year old. He can't do it. They show us like it's, it's take number 19 and this kid finally touched his nose after opening up in the eye 18 times. Right, right. So he's just sitting there with a fucking bottle of paper bag going, I'm going to fuck. No, Bobby's going to do it. God damn it stuntman at one point Just a grown adult touching his nose back the camera in a little boy wig It's like a jack and a son you see all the extras run on start celebrating So yeah, and then we go back to bed and from the waste way down

And I think that's why they went back to this lyric by the way, I don't care who tells you to do this. Don't do it. I mean, it's not a magic book, but we're right. Unless it's us at reason come. And then of course, I love you. I love you. I love you. Say, Lord, I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. And then at the very end, like he remembered what song he's ripping off, salty goes and shoulders needs, knees, toes. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah.

And one last line to the song under pressure is the name of a song that's different from this one. This was I say spring ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding different. It's slightly different. This was Nagan arm tops leg. Little bendy part, foot fingers. Yeah, right.

So it's totally different. It's on. Foot fingers. All right. And now with all the subtlety of the time on sprockets, when we dance, salty breaks out his songmobile. And why? But why?

What? What did I get it? Right. salty breaks out his song mobile and why but why would it have right but before he does okay so we start off with a with a little growing she's addressing salty off screen and he goes what's that salty and she asks in a disgusted enough manner to make you sure it's a dick but no it's it's his song mobile right and he says when you think about's his song mobile. Right. And he says, when you think about Jesus, the song mobile starts. And I wanted so badly for them all to just look at the song mobile and it's just totally still. And he's like, yeah, me neither kid.

You know what a fuck. But the song mobile, what is it? It's really weird. Like if Beetlejuice was a gay porn musical, it'd be the main character's car. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. There's 100% afloat for a gay pride parade

and then it's all dicks and balls and they were just like, all right, we're gonna figure it out. We're gonna make it into a children's Show and at this point a little girl runs forward and she's like sometimes what I think about Jesus I just start screaming screaming and selfies like oh Cool And like okay another bumper That's cool. Okay. Another bumper.

Yeah, right. Okay, what they're trying to do is set up this joke. She's just like, when I think about how much I love Jesus, I yell about it. And so he's like, that's great. And she's like, my mom didn't think so when I thought about him in the middle of the night and yelled out my window. Yeah. But also, did she say, thinking about Jesus makes her want to wake up in the middle of the night and throw up into a window? I feel like that was the words she said.

Yeah, basically. And so I started thinking about that. And I was like, you know what, that's actually like, I want to see a montage of people yelling Jesus in the middle of the night and projectile vomiting and to paint a glass like that would I would fall asleep to that every night. That's going on your fat life. Somebody make that. My I will. That's like I know scrubs. Oh, you're a vom glass. Or vom glass. Are you a vom glass or top or a vom glass or bottom? Definitely bottom. Definitely bottom. I want to I want to see it from I'm on the

other side of the glass, but then it rotates, but I'm bottom bottom. And then it steams up because it's warm. You just draw a heart in the vomit. I mean, Hicky. Yeah, we're a fun little. I didn't think this would be on the show. Okay. All right. So now it's time to dox each other. Whatever. So now it's time for the praise the Lord song. I know you're thinking, wasn't the last song just, I love you. I love you over and over again. How could they possibly get lazier than that?

Oh, they do. Yes, by a bandit human language altogether. Oh my god, he goes, I got news bubble and deep inside,odly, doodly, doodly, and I'm like, oh, fuck you. Yeah. I will write 50% of these lyrics, Alan, you understand me? 50% of these lyrics. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh my God, that's the entire song. So I'm basically goes, I got, the half lyrics could be like a cardboard box diorama. The band has the project made. Yeah. So I got some news about one deep inside doodly do. I got something that I just can't I do do do do do do. Again, you know, penis, hello, it makes me want to sing and shout. I just have to let those do to lose out.

Now again, if this was, if all the doodle shit was penis related and they had to cut it out of the last second, I get it. But here's the actual chorus, okay? This is, I don't think you can get lazier than this, but it's doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle. God loves you four times. Doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle God loves you Four times do doodle doodle do do do do God loves you and here's here's the amazing part You can tell when Noah resents writing something down because he perfect the grammar and punctuation He's put in like commas and citations

He's every hyphen is perfect. You might as well have written this in calligraphy He's every hyphen is perfect. You might as well have written this in calligraphy. That's what Matt is, to have had to write. Doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle. God loves you 150 times. No, actually, I'll tell you what, there's a clue here that I'm not the one who wrote this at all, and then I just copied it and pasted it off of the salty, the songbook website. And that would be the capitalization of God.

Yeah, this is the only one, by the way, where I actually found the lyrics online and was able to just copy and paste it in. Yeah, but then we go on, God will never let you down, dootly dootly dootly dootly. Just like glue, he'll stick around dootly dootly dootly dootly dootly. This guy has to make a lot of sticky liquid excuses on the fly here, apparently. And then we go back to the disturbing line, no matter what you say or do, God will never, ever stop loving you. What kind of shit do they expect these five year olds to have done? Okay, and this brings up something. I know we've talked about this

a little bit, but like we've constantly heard about like, no matter what you do, God will never, God will always love you, God will forgive you, no matter what a sins you commit. And it's just like, I remember believing in God, and it was never motivated by like the fact that I shat in Tommy Pickles lunchables. What are the kids doing? What are you doing? You're so concerned with your goodness. Right.

You're doing some weird vomit shit. Yes, that's true. Don't you judge yourself. So now we get the doodle doodles again for the chorus. Then we get a kazoo solo. Awesome. And then again, because they can't be bothered to think up something different from the last song.

He goes from your nose to your toes and everywhere you go, is God loves you. And then we just start repeating shit from before again. Yeah. By the end of the song, I was officially triggered by the term doodle, doodle, doodle. Yeah. Right. I now expect a content warning if anyone's going to say doodle, doodle, doodle. And obviously by the end of the song, you could see salty.

He's just so depressed. He's like, yeah, looking around for items to end his life on the stage. He's coming up with elaborate stuff in his head. He's like, then if I ate all the metal in this room, if he went Bud Dwyer here, amazing. Oh, now, now back up. This is gonna hurt someone. Is the level to hurt someone. Ha, ha, ha. Get your pains a glass, ready? Here we go.

We're ready to vomit. Oh my, okay, and now it's time for the next scene. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Jesus, okay, and this is where salty shares, some life advice with the children. Basically, he says, one of the nicest things you could ever do is assume people share your religion.

Basically. Basically like, okay, who knows what you hands up? Wow, several. Okay, so here's a little homework. Yeah, a little homework. You're gonna fix that. Take a rock, everyone, take a rock. And this of course is the lead in into Jesus loves me this I know.

So we go through that. Is this a crazier version? I don't know this song. Is this I think this is the normal amount of craziness in this one. Yeah, Jesus loves me this or not. This I know for the Bible tells me so little ones to him be long. They are we crazy is strong. Yeah, right. Yeah are we crazy is strong.

Yeah, well, right. Yeah. We're just Jesus just dead lifting 750 pounds. He's next to Ivan Drago. He's getting injected. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so. I'm just grateful that this song didn't have the extra crazy remix because with that, they all belong to him. I was like, Oh, no, there's going to be a verse. It's going to be like Christ would like your eyes to see where the Jews are hiding. So yeah, so Okay. So yeah, so did they sing all of that shit again? And the little girl that challenged him with the Bible quote earlier, look so goddamn terrified right now. They like they pan over her and she looks like she was beaten into one more number. Yeah. Jim Jones started walking around handing out coolated this point.

I just like, oh, right. Okay. This movie makes sense now. This movie didn't make sense, but now it does. These kids are terrifying. Yeah. Like the twins from the shining could walk in and they just sack out slowly and abject horror like, no, we're going to go play

with someone else. We're going to put the lotion in the basket or some. This is the worst. Like, honestly, I feel like this is the song that's playing when you wake up in a bathtub full of ice and you're just like, yeah, right. Or as we call it a reason content. And now the nose blew itself off the wall again. And I wrote, by the way, I wrote at this point, oh, are we pump faking a plot again?

Uh, but no, this is the last minute of the show. That's it. It's literally just the nose runs away and they chase it. Oh my God. Yeah. And he could turn us to the camera and he's like, well, as your hope you can come back later, I'm pretty sure we could suck less if you gave us enough chance. And then everyone chases the creepy ass egg sack looking nose through the park.

Cause God knows that gag was worth revisiting. Anyway, all right. So that's the whole thing. That's the video. That's over. Yeah, exactly. Again, pretty fucking abruptly. So to close things off tonight, I want to ask you guys for a prediction. When the guy who plays salty to song book moves into a new neighborhood, what is he legally required to tell his neighbors that he and the nose are gay married now. Oh, that's only in red stage, but yes, good guess. All right. Well, that neighborhood's probably a cemetery. So I guess registered sex offender on the epitaph. Yeah. That's a big quarter of Megan's law. Yeah. There you go. That'd be great. Yes. To be remembered. All right.

Well, that's going to do it for our review of salty, the songbook volume one, but that's the second over the episode. Just yet because we still need to tease the next episode. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Saltina, saltina, saltina, you know, you know, you're fine. Eli is doing a solo show. No, it's about hitting your wife. It's going to all the Kings for it. And it's basically try being less of a bitch. No, no, probably. All right. So salty the signbook volumes two through five with those who look forward to bringing episode 133 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors and help make the show go. If you like to count

yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn a lexas to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to time by leaving us five star review on iTunes and by showing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, the estate needed and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher or wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email god awful movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Taurus. Our

theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slottick and people drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath N. Raid Eli Bosnick. I'm no illusions promised in the work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Salty the songbook tried to make an illusion to Fahrenheit 451 in his next album and got murdered by Ray Bradbury with a blowtorch. The nose was eventually subdued and returned to the playhouse. Now it agrees its name is Toby.

The songs, Jesus loves me and nobody else, and Jews Jews everywhere, can't He got from this episode. But are in salty the songbook volume. Mine's two through five. Yeah, exactly. Okay, now we actually have to write Jews Jews something. It's raining Jews, hallelujah. It's raining Jews. So happy that Eli almost did the zipper cruder assaulty there.

I feel like I feel like salty needs to be a recurring character on the show. Absolutely. Asked with us taking a break from live shows asked about what is this? A lot of you have asked with us taking a break from live shows this year. What's the best way to meet a person? Oh, okay. All right. All right. I see. You could technically use with that. Yeah. That was the problem. Fixed it. That's a weird little subclose there. I just need some of the games in that asked with us.

There's all different marks. You can put there that'll be. Yeah, no, there's just something I need something. Their parentheses or something. So my wife, for my birthday, she's been bringing me like every day. She's bringing me another little gift. Would you get so far? I'll have to show you after the show.

It'd be like, we're like hard to explain. It's a bunch of little fidget toys. Nice. So she got me a pen spinner, like a spinning pen. You can see on the right, the thing on the left, I'll have to show you the thing in the box there. The little butterfly knife. Oh, yes. Well, it's up. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's not like it's unbladed. You know, it's just a trick. Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It is a, what is it? Balas on everything. I have a butterfly beer. Oh, nice. Yeah. But that would fly pin. That one is super well-weighted. It's heavy enough to actually do the tracks with and shit. It's actually really, and it's actually pretty sweet. That's what's gave me today. So, but the thing is that for the last three days,

I've been trying to work on this talk, right? And I've never put together a PowerPoint presentation and I'm overdoing it and I'm over-prepping and I'm trying to fit 15 hours worth of information into a 60 minute thing. Whatever and the whole time she's bringing me these new little fidgety toys. I'm like, I don't play with that. I'm playing with that. So yeah, it's been, it's been sure that that made it in.

Yeah. I have a question. Plenty of you know, for a second at the beginning. Right. Because I can see he just plowing through the snow drift and being like, bumpy. Okay, well, it was. Yeah, no,

it was bumpy. All right, all right. Okay. Well, then, I don't want to laugh on that. All right, sorry, Morgan. We won't apparently need that. Maybe the bumpy bit because I was more going to be able to rape anybody. You have to tell us. Show me your dick. Don't just don't just drop in dick noise. Just every time. And then show us your dick work. You're your employer. Is that the noise your dick makes you this goes into the uh... the

it all right that must be average political the proceeding podcast was a production of puzzle in the thunderstorm l. l. c cap your a twenty eighteen all rights reserved you