God Awful Movies - 134: All the King's Horses

Episode Date: March 13, 2018

This week, guest masochist Chelsea Davison joins us for an atheist review of "All the King's Horses", the story of why we need International Women's Day. And none of us will ever be okay again. --- You should follow Chelsea on Twitter: https://twitter.com/chelsea_davison --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

You can get divorced anytime you want to divorce. It's great. I've been divorced three times since the start of this podcast. It's been there's been a lot of lawyers in this group. It's crowded. Well, we had to have a lot of lawyers in that room because Eli asked you to watch the movie about how women should sit down and shut up and then ask you to come record with him in person. So yeah, I see why now you book to me because like if it had been what other do that's like all right, let's talk about the thing where women are subservient. This way, let's go! Not awful movie movies! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be this week, but sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Real bad Noah.

Real bad. Watch this movie made McCollumne's friend watch this movie. Uh huh. Good bad. We're no longer friends. Yeah. It's your ex acquaintance ex college. His friend. Yeah. Yeah. And also joining of us, of course, is returning guest. Massacus probably for the last time. Chelsea. Davidson. Chelsea is a comedian. She writes for the opposition with Jordan Klepper on Comedy Central. And she's much more obliging a person than we meant for her to have to be Chelsea.

Thanks for hanging out with us today. Thank you for having me. Also, screw you for having me. Yeah. Right. Oh, God. Okay. We deserve that.

I'll say that up front. But before I can sincerely apologize for subjecting you to this movie, we have to tell the audience what it was. So Chelsea, what will we be breaking down today? So we watched all the King's horses, which is basically the story of why we need international women's day. Men be punching and Jesus is apparently cool. It's let it happen. Yeah. Well, I want, did you watch the sun? I watched the sun, international women's day and I felt terrible the whole time. No, I watched it about a week before and I mean, this could just be called patriarchy, the movie. This is it. I as a woman, this is a horror movie for me the whole time. I was like, Oh, this is my boba duck. Oh God. You know, it was, it was not, it was better for Eli and I am sure, but not like, I don't want to apply that term. You know what? I don't have to.

That's not my job. Eli, why don't you tell me how bad was this movie? It's the worst movie we've ever seen Noah. It's so terrible. I feel bad for having reviewed it. Also, I should point out that most terrifying part of this movie is that it was recommended by several female listeners who had it recommended to them by their pastors. Yeah, that's crazy. I wonder if the reason pastors would recommend this is to be like, your life could be worse. You know what I mean? So that you feel better by comparison. Because it's really as bad as it gets. I would think it was to clear places in the pews, you know, like, yeah, you know what,

you haven't been paying a, yeah, I noticed you've been skipping over the basket a lot. Why don't you watch this movie okay? Because look we're gonna make jokes and shit cuz that's our job But I want to be clear right up front. This is the worst thing we've ever seen by a lot Movies about how you shouldn't abort your rape baby. Yep, so we've seen them movies about how your friends don't let friends be Jews See those do movies about how gay people need to stop with all the gaying, move about how children should happily head to the guillotine for Jesus. Yes, we've reviewed all of those

and now none of them holds a fucking candle to how bad this movie is. This movie has a body count. Right? Like literally women have died because they watched this movie. Oh, there is no question. Yeah.

Yeah, I just want to get that up out up front because it's going to be really hard to make front of this movie. I mean, it's not because it's incredibly boring and it's incredibly bad, but because it's just sold like sinister beneath all of the dumbness, it's going to be kind of tough, but we're going to do it because that's our jobs.

Yeah, it's like trying to do mystery science theater to the stuff you see when you lean over the wall at the Holocaust Museum. Like, it's probably could make it happen. It just doesn't. Yeah, my, as I was watching it, the, I started being like, all this is dumb and, you know, kind of thinking of jokes. And then it, it really turned a corner where I just, there, it's just like a blank page. At a certain point where I just had a frozen horror expression on my face and I was like,

this isn't funny. Like, I've never been a person who needs trigger warnings, but I felt I'm like, this should have one. Yeah. Yeah. Put one on this movie warning point. One of those things they put on poison bottles. Yeah. Under the sea cleaner should be on this movie. Yeah. All right. Is there a huge

category here? Anything you guys would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at enabling maybe the Chris Brown award. Yeah, right. We should go ahead and point out right up front, I guess, because it's going to be so pivotal to our review that this is a movie about how like when your husband beats you, you should sit down and shut up, stop being such a bitch and go to church. Yes. Again, the lesson here is that the marriage in which one partner is hitting the other is not the hitter's fault. It is the woman's fault for not loving Jesus the right way.

Well, I'm not being subservient. They put that point many times of, she just isn't subservient enough because she's like, don't I deserve respect? And yeah, I mean, everyone is like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I could wipe my balls until I have malignant cancer, just so I don't have to go through any of this miserable shit again. All right, well, so now I'm going to feel stupid, but I had best worst reason for a music break. But if you're wondering, hey, in the middle of this pro abuse parable, is there like a full on music break? Yeah, there it is. Oh yeah.

I got to say, truly normally, anytime there'd be like a musical interlude, I'd be like, fuck this. But in this one, I was like, thank God. Yeah, I need to like make it stop. I bet the Zylo photos isn't going to get punched in the face at any point. Yeah. Watching this movie, I think everyone can relate a little bit to abuse because they just keep hitting you.

Yeah. Yeah, right, right. This is, this is as close to physical abuse as a movie has ever gotten with me. That's for damn sure. All right, well, I think everybody's been duly worn. So we'll pause for a quick break and we'll come back. We'll break down all the pretty much abuse that is all the King's horses. Oh, man. Hey, like what do you, what are you eating? Oh, just trying to get some more protein in my diet.

So I'm eating these wood chips. What wood chips? Yeah, you know, one is something natural and so many protein bars have weird stuff for like added sugar and I just really want to eat my... Okay, Eli, Eli, Eli, why not just try an RX bar? What's an RX bar? RX bar is a whole food protein bar.

RX bar's core ingredients to all the talking. And simply like eating three egg whites, two dates, and six almonds with no BS. Okay. Let me try that. Hey, that is good. Yeah. Turns out real food ingredients actually taste really good. You can actually taste the cocoa, the real fruit, the spices like sea salt.

You can, and it's way less woodchippy. Yeah, I know it. It would be. Yeah, it would be. Uh, whether you like sweet or savory chocolate or fruit flavors, there's an RX bar for you. RX bar is coming 11 delicious flavor varieties and they're gluten free, soy free, dairy free with no added sugar, no artificial colors, artificial flavors, preservatives or fillers.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. They sent us a box. Now I grab one when I need breakfast on the go, a quick snack or even when I just need to pack something fast for travel. Okay. But all that whole food stuff must be expensive, right? Like I stole these wood chips from a playground. No, well, our listeners get 25% off their first order. Just visit rxbar.com slash awful and enter promo code awful. Let check out awful, huh? Like the way these wood chips taste. Right.

Like the way the wood chips taste. Great protein, though. You got to have that. I don't think that wood chips even have protein. Well, now I feel silly. It's fiber. K. K.

K. K. K. Hello. Hey Noah, good in sleep. Well, because the phones started ringing. Yeah. Yeah. How you doing?

It's four in the morning. Eli's everything okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, I'm fine. How are you? No, I mean, why are you calling me Eli? I guess Why someone to talk to? No, yeah, that's why we got you the echo if you just if you say Alexa first Yeah, no, no, no, do you think I'm a good person? No, I guess not because you know, I try to be like a good person, but sometimes I just find myself lying awake at night and I think I just spent the afternoon writing jokes about spousal abuse and then I got paid for it by a bunch of people. Yeah, no, I get it. You're feeling bad about this week's movie.

Yeah, I mean, I know this is what we do, but like this movie is like naked apologetics for spousal abuse that squarely puts the blame on the victim. And I just, I don't know if I want to make jokes about that. I saw your notes, see, like you made all kinds of jokes about it. I mean, I did, but I felt bad. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, does it help that, that you know, you're also drawing attention to something incredibly dangerous that a lot of people outside the evangelical movement just don't know about?

I don't know what a lot of those words mean. Okay. Does it help that the target of your jokes far from being the victim of the abuse is actually the institution that allows the abuse to continue? Those are still big words. It helps a little. Would it help if we did like a meta skit about this at the beginning of the show? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. No, we'll do a meta skit about it at the beginning. Okay.

Hey Noah. Do you believe in ghosts? No, I don't. Yeah, I'm I mean either. Okay, I'm going to go back to sleep now. You know, yeah. Do you know any Lila buys? Good night, Eli. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,, at first I thought, yeah, you say that about the fucking gospels, but no, this is a true story. And that's going to get a lot more depressing as we go. Yeah. When I saw this at the beginning of the movie, I was like, oh, this is a true story.

I like a Christian movie. And the second time I watched it, I was like, oh, I hope that's not true. Yeah. This one, it's like if someone was like, oh, I hope that's not true. Yeah, this one, it's like if someone was like, yeah, Jesus, it's a true story. It really happened to him. And then you learn what happens to him. You're like, oh, no, I hope you're making that up. Yeah, Brad, what would be the point? Have you seen this documentary saw? No, this is hell. Bad. Well, and then, okay, so one of the ways that you can tell it's a true story is that it's boring as hell. Right? I want to just stay upfront that this whole movie is like one of those conversations you have with people where they keep talking and you keep going like, and then they're like, and then then I changed to a different your, she sure didn't like my mom a much. And just yeah, it's that for like an hour and 20 minutes plus terrible, horrible, spousal

abuse that gets apologized for. Yeah. It starts off already crazy. She goes, I was like, so it's the narrator who's the protagonist of the movie and she goes, I was like, all girls, I wanted happiness, marriage and a very specific religion for my husband. She was there in a no muzzies t-shirt. I was going to find this movie charming because it was so 70s-ish, like right away, like, she had that kind of like old, oldish voice of like, I'm Sandy Benson. And I blah, you know,

kind of like in the way that in the 40s, they were like, hey, Dave, I'm a bum, you know, I feel like there's a way that all women from that era, you know, born in like the 50, I don't know, that thing of like, and I just wanted a good husband and like very breathy and yeah. And so I was kind of like, oh, this may be charming. It'll be like I'm teaking, but as a movie. Enjoy that. Well, you can. I love to. She goes, I wanted a perfect marriage. You know, with moonlight music, I'm like, those come with all marriages happier, otherwise you get moonlight, no matter what. You know, um, anyway, so as she's telling us all of this, she's driving along in her inner, uh, convertible and the

this motorcycle guy sees her now, this is so minor, I shouldn't even point it out, but he's got a buddy on the backseat of his motorcycle, right? When we first see him, yeah, and then later he doesn't. Now, my theory is that that guy got beheaded because he's the guy from that other hell movie that we saw with Estus Perkel, again, all the same universe. So that's universe. Yeah, sorry, Chelsea, that's just a throwback for everybody who has to listen to every episode. I obviously, I didn't see that one, but as soon as I saw them on the motorcycle together,

I was like, well, Mike Pence just turned this off. Yeah. He lost him. He was. All right. So she, okay. So she goes into this disgusting little market. I'm sorry. There's no way I would eat or consume or let anything from this place touch my skin.

And she falls in love with the Jesus painting that they have there on their wall. It's not like it's on a shelf. She sees it on the wall and she's like, can I buy your decorations and the woman's like absolutely, this is the pigly wiggly and that guy with the bowl hair cut just killed the guy who worked here. I was into it. I was into it because, okay, one, I thought this, I was like, this is kind of progressive. It's like the lesson so far is everything is for sale, which is like

very progressive. And then two, that like, it starts with appreciation of art. Like that is very liberal. I'm into it. Okay. I didn't think that was art. hey, I mean I thought I like appreciation for good art But this was like crann art though, you know She's in the middle of no this is like I think she's probably never seen art before You know she she's been locked in a barn. She's not allowed to go to the movies No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no her first glimpse of art. She needs, like, I love it. It's like, yeah, that's beautiful. She's escaping. Explain so much.

Also, I want to give a quick shout out to their hair and makeup team, who their way of trying to make this 35 year old mid-level marketing lady look like a teenager was just put her in pigtails. Yeah, right. Anyway, she's like, I just graduated. her in pigtails. Yeah, right. And she's like, I just graduated.

It's like from where teachers college. Oh, God. So she buys her groceries and her and her Jesus painting. And she heads outside. Now, the motorcycle hoodlum guy has seen her, right? He pulls up and he's like, hmm, she looks pretty hot. I'm going to flatten her tires. So she'll need my help fixing it because she's a woman and I'm a man and I do tire stuff. Okay. Now, before we get to that, I want to

point out again, I know little thing, but as they show the old man counting out change for her. And he, this is what he says. This is the actual line. All right, three, three and a half, four. What is he giving her that there would be half of? How do they not know how making change works? Yeah, they hadn't invented the words 350 yet in 1974. That's really okay.

That's... Oh, Jesus. Okay. So she goes outside with her Jesus painting, motorcycle guy flirts with her. Well, you know, he's like, Hey, I, I vandalized your property. Can I go out with you now? Yeah, I mean, it's the first of many crimes he commits throughout this whole film. So it's, it's very prescient. Yeah.

So they start flirting. He's going to fix her tire. Of course, her Jesus painting falls out all awkwardly like a fucking info-mercial about a spaghetti maker, right? And I want and he says, so do you go to church? And I wanted him to be like, no, just a big fan of Jesus, you know, like his early albums, but now he's gotten all corporate and mainstream. Yeah, she's got a painting of Jesus pointing a couple to the pigly wiggly down the street. I think she goes to church.

Well, of course, this line is only here so he can scoff at it when she says, yes, right? He can go church. And this is where we learn that he asked her to the movies. And this is where we learn that she's not allowed to go to the movies. What the fuck? I mean, thank God, because if you were going to the movies, she might accidentally see this movie. You're better staying away forever. That's fair.

Again, I hadn't thought of it that way. Chelsea, you are bringing New World City. I can't. I can't. You know, also, I want to go back for a second because in the opening credits, they think Han de Town, which I just want to say, like, what a fun specific of a rural movie, they're like, and also Han de Town. I don't live in Han de Town. I've never been to Han de Town, but it sounds lovely.

So they finished flirting. And this might be my favorite scene in the movie that I'm not also horrified by. She goes, so what do you do for a living? And he's like, you really want to know. And then he obviously was supposed to be on the motorcycle for the next line, but this actor forgot. So he awkwardly sort of Shuffle around his motorcycle He's himself on to it. So like, oh, I fell over. No, I'm okay. And then he goes I race motorcycles

Yeah, we're all super impressed bro Jesus Christ. Okay. Yeah, so but she gives him gives him her number and then we get the credits which have some sweet dirt bike stuff and some generic falling in love montage. Shit. Yes. And my favorite thing about the generic falling in love montage is that when they kiss, we get this explosion of fireworks, but then right away on the screen appears special thanks to the local hospital. I feel like if you're going to do the chest and the fireworks, you don't want to insert the special

thanks in that very second. I think my favorite part of it might have been that as they're ice cream, they walk by this shop that has it says in the window, Indian art and ethnics. Yes. Do were they still selling ethnics back in the 77? I think this came out. What? This is truly an onion of offensive things. Like, I mean, layers, I didn't even see before. That's crazy. I liked the opening credits. It's all the King's horses and they capitalize King so that you know it means Jesus. And I think that's fun because it's only Christians and like middle school girls with live journals who do like fun capitalization. That's it. Where it's just like, I love him. And it's yeah, you're 12 or you're very pious.

him and it's yeah, you're 12 or you're very pious. Yeah. Amazing how often those that can be set of a characteristic. So yeah, so we get this montage of them falling in love and I, I don't want to rush through it because it's pretty much the whole fucking movie, right? Like the whole movie is just a montage of, you know, like between things happening and then he punches her occasionally. It's a montage of red flags. Let's be. Well, it must be them falling in love, but what all of these falling in love scenes are are like a red flag like they're eating an ice cream and he slapped her as out of her hand. Yeah. It's truly, I feel like they fundamentally don't understand how like rom com's or romance is work because the characters have no chemistry None truly it is like at the very start you're like oh no like I expected when this was a true story to be like Oh, this is a couple who like they were so right for each other, but they grew apart

You know, that's how life works, but this from the start you're like oh no works, but this from the start, you're like, oh, no, no, he tricked her into being with him. Like he read the game and then was just like, I'm gonna go for it. And then they go out and it's just one bad day after another where he makes a joke and she doesn't get it. Like he like tries to like, I don't, yeah, just a big. Dad your dad. Yeah, they like this. And it's like, it's a gross kid. Like the whole time, it's just like truly you have nothing in common. You have no redeeming parts of this relationship. Yeah. There is no part of this movie where we're supposed to think they like each other.

We never see them get along. We only see them fight. Yeah. Sometimes the fight ends in a giggle, but that's it. Yeah. I mean, it's crazy. I mean, that's the thing. I feel like I've talked to a lot of friends in like shitty relationships where I'm like, man, this sucks, but like, you know, at least you tell me, oh, you have great sex. They're like, oh, well, at least you guys like make each other laugh. This truly would be like, what do you see? Yeah, right.

Well, at least you, it's just like a 50 shades of great deep-con. Yeah, or is this the only man you've ever met? Like, is it a new art? She's ever seen. She's been locked in a bar. I'm telling you, it's the only way it justifies everything. That's it. She graduated from barn. That's because she never said it was a school.

Yeah, no, okay. So, yeah, but just as an example, here's where the movie basically starts out of the dialogue between the two of them. She's like, you know, he's he's going you're too serious and she's like, well, you're too aloof. And then she starts saying, like, you know, you lit that cigar in front of my mother, just to piss her off, even though you don't really smoke, you came by my house the other day with the cops chasing you and hid. And I'm like, Oh, yeah, no, this is get the fuck out type shit Well, not just that she puts it on she puts these three things on equal ground

She goes you pretended to smoke in front of my mom you filled a bottle with Pepsi and pretended to drink and then you were arrested for resisting arrest Yeah, you have all three of those things are equally bad I feel like they really like ease into it with the crimes. It's destruction of property. He's like on the lamb, then slowly, it just gets worse and worse. This is the slippery slope just as a movie. And to be clear, his response to you have bothered my family and are in trouble with the police is, will you marry me?

Yep. Well, and her response isn't, well, are you gonna stop being an asshole and stop getting chased by the law? It's, are you gonna turn your heart over to Christ? Yep. And of course, he's like, yeah, if it gets me laid, I guess. He's like, sure.

Also, I love, so, she goes, will you marry me? And she goes, I can't marry an unsafe boy. And he goes, Oh, give up racing, which is supposed to be like a huge deal. And then she goes, well, will you give your heart to Christ? And he goes, why don't we start with the me giving up racing? That was confusing because I was like, Oh, maybe that's going to be the thing that causes all these problems in their marriage. She made him sacrifice this great love, this great passion.

But then like, I mean, we'll get to it, but we see him. He didn't give up racing. No, he made his own sacrifices. She's like, can you at least be less of a dick? And he's like, nope. I'm going to pull your hair, Brian. It's awful. Right.

And again, this goes, she goes, they go from this very serious fight in which she conceives no ground. This is the meat cute. Yes. This very serious fight in which she conceives no ground to, let's play in the mud. Yeah. It's that, it was truly like, I feel like they wanted to write a romantic comedy or romance, but then they're like, we can't let kids get hot and bothered.

We need to make this as unromantic as possible, not sexy at all. It's like aliens who had only read about humans through the voice for men message boards. I tried to write a romantic comedy. Also, there's just, it's a tiny moment here, but at this point, I wasn't aware of how many red flags there were going to be. She falls down into the mud and he laughs at her. I just want to say, if I laughed at my wife falling anywhere, including in the mud, I'd be dead now. I'd be dead in that mud with a sign over me that said, this is what happens to me. She wouldn't go to jail. They'd be like, uh-huh.

Yeah. That's legal. Yeah. No, yeah. We got that. Well, look, I mean, my wife and I have a pretty strict rule. It's that you make sure the other one's okay. And then you're allowed to laugh.

But, okay. Sure. Yeah. But, I mean, and that's the thing. She wasn't hurt. But like, it was such a bad attempt to show that like see, they do like each other. It's like, what? No.

They were just in a fight. They fell down. Now they're dirty. And then they pan over to this horse that's like, yeah, I know. And they're just a horse watching. So many, many confusing cinematic choices. Yeah. Yeah. Confused horse will come back. I love confused horse more than anything in this film. And that's not hard. So they cut around to this next scene, which is also the same scene. This is going to be a hard one to talk you through because none of these scenes matter. But they cut down, there's another scene of him not wanting to give his life over to Jesus. Right. And the only thing noteworthy about this scene is that Jack makes some solid

points. He's like, what does the Bible say that like bats are birds in the earth is 2000 years old? And she literally just goes, Jack, the Bible is true. Shut up, shut up, stop, stop talking. She even goes so far as to say, no, no, the Bible proves itself. Here's a passage where it says it's true. Yeah, that's not how proof work. I don't know. So I wrote down that line. I'm like, what? Like, they got these people aren't in science. Just a lying cretin comes over.

Hey, how you guys doing? Yeah. Anyway, so yeah, so we get out of that stupid fucking scene. And she's like, a couple weeks later, a preacher came to my town. And so she apparently she drug drug Jack to see this preacher. And I love Jack so much in this moment. Like, you're going to hate him for every other moment. But watching him listen to this fucking preacher as though he's pissing through syphilis was amazing. When you just said she drug him there, I thought you said she drugged him and I said, yeah, it seemed like it. It's just like blurry eyes.

This evangelist, by the way, he looks like if Paul Linden stayed in the closet, he's just like, oh, Jesus. Very, very dark. Also, he does the alter call and she elbowing him, like it's my wife during a puppet. So she's just like, you guys know that right? You guys always bring you to puppet shows. Yeah, of course. Oh boy, red flag for your relationship. I should, I should point out to also, by the way, up until now, every moment that we've seen Jackie's been chewing gum, right? Well, whether they're kissing, whether he's eating ice cream at this point, he's going through his conversion chewing gum. I think it's because like, you know, for, for like older movies, like all the cool guys,

like smoked cigarettes and that, like if you watch grease and then, but obviously they couldn't do that to their like gum. So it's just like, I'm a bad boy. I got something in my mouth. You see this toothpick? Yeah. I, my teeth are very clean. So at some point later, he's running out of euphemisms for now.

Can we fuck? So he goes back to asking her to a, to a movie. She's picking up eggs now, by the way. Right. And this is the worst possible proposal. She just, she just like reaches over and the ring is on an egg and he's like, there it is. You wait, you guys didn't propose with, with eggs. I'm shocked. How many egg based proposals? I feel like that was symbolism to be like, all that matters

in is about, you know, your eggs, you know, just a vessel for child, breening, bearing, you know, all of that. It was very good metaphorical. It was a very good metaphor. Yeah. And when you, and when you propose, you want to just smell like chicken shit in the place that you are, that that's important too. So yeah, so she finds the ring is so romantic. He hasn't by the way figured out what size her finger is going into this So it doesn't fit and and then we show his stuff horse Yeah, the horse the horse is the most charismatic actor in the movie The horse has seen this movie because like in context this horse being like literally tell you something girl,

this is not going to work out. I know that horse is like, please just turn me into glue. I don't want to watch this. Yeah, I don't know whose idea it was to show us the horse, but yeah, the horse is looking on like he was pretty sure she was going to pick him, but now she's going to marry Jack and then he wanders off. But anyway, okay, so now nothing is happening in her fucking front yard and they're going to pick him, but now she's going to marry Jack and then he wanders off. But anyway, okay, so now nothing is happening in her fucking front yard and they're going to have another fight.

Yeah. And this will be the first, but by no means the last of there, well, that escalated very, very quickly fights, right? Because she comes out and he's like, so what's your mom say? And he tells her a joke. It's a Ben, her joke. It's not good, but she reacts to it like he told her the aristocrats at her grandmother to steal.

It's not bad. It actually, I was like, that's okay. You know, especially for like, you know, all these woods people like, like, this is fine. Like, I know. It was a Disney joke. He was doing his best, okay? Yeah, it was, it's tough because at this point in the movie, okay, first of all, they're so clearly wrong for her.

I was like, oh, first they tried to make him seem like the bad guy, but now they're really trying to make it be like, no, they both have red flags. She can't even handle a dumb joke. And so like, to me, it felt like they were trying to make them like see equal evils and to give them credit to be like, no, he gets real bad. Yeah, but they seem to think it was equal evils all the way through. Honestly. Well, she was born a woman. Well, there is that. Yeah. So she was way ahead, you know, what with the apple and everything. So yeah. So she basically, he says like, so what do you think of the ring? And she's like, are you fucking darling? And he's like, no,

and she's like, well, go fuck Darleen. And she throws the ring down. Um, he goes to fuck Darleen, apparently. And then he drives off like Eli was driving at fucking bike. Yes. I get I would promise on my life. Nothing is more true than this was not in the script. That actor crashed his bike a little and they were like, keep going. I haven't my nose that I would bet dollars to delusions on that as well. But, but, but okay, so here's the thing. They have this screaming fight. She throws her engagement ring down.

The engagement is off over this fight. He drives 18 inches crashes. She runs up. Are you okay? And he's like, yep. And then they just giggle together. And that's us supposed to be seeing like, oh, no, they do love each other. No.

Yeah. And I think Chelsea, I can't speak for both of us, but you're from Ohio. Yes. And I'm from upstate New York. Yeah. I know a lot of these couples. They have ruined many meals at Denny's. I used to work at a Denny's and yeah, they exist.

Okay, I'm going to come back with the check when you guys made up. Right, just to give you just to underscore how bad it is, we cut directly from that to their wedding. Yes, this wedding Noah. Oh, I want all of your wedding pictures because I know they looked exactly like this. This talks the lapels are so wide you could staple him to the back of a load bearing. Her wedding dress looks like it's from the Doiley collection made by the madwoman and the attic by Jane Eyre.

Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, she's definitely a 17th century ghost. made by the madwoman and the addict by Jane Eyre. It's amazing. Yeah. She's definitely a 17th century ghost. Yes. Right. Or a burn victim that needs another round of gauze. What are the other? I just like also like the candles.

It's like how can we make a wedding look like a cult? I guess all weddings kind of look like cults, but that's why I'm the unmarried one of the three. Well, and of course he's wearing the goddamn white matradite toxic goth the 70s were so fucking ugly. Awesome. Um, okay. So then she said we go back to the narrator.

She's like, at first our marriage was just fine. And I want to, I just to point out how fucking boring this movie is. She's like, at first we lived in an apartment, but then we saved up some money and Jack got a promotion and we moved into a fine house in the suburbs. As though we needed to know where that house came from, right? Like we'd be like, did they build that during the fucking wedding? Yeah. She just rambles.

It's like, it's reading somewhat like an old person's Twitter, when they just start posting things. Well yesterday it was rainy and then today it's done. I got cloudy. Why are you telling me this? I wrote my notes. This movie is based like a conversation with grandma two years after we all made the decision to send her to the home. Yes. Right. Oh my fuck. Okay. So we've apparently skipped ahead of the point where they have two kids. And they had everything apparently except happiness. Now I just I saw your house in your car. You there's a lot of stuff other than happiness you're missing. Anyway. So now this movie is going to turn super fucking dark, super

quick. Yeah. Yeah. He comes home and dinner is it ready on time because they couldn't think of a better cliche than that, but dinner is it ready on time and he freaks the fuck out. Well, this is the 70s. This might be the first time someone does that on a film. Well, that's true. Yeah. Right. Also though, it wasn't like, oh my god, I forgot to make dinner. I was watching the TV or like something that I'm like, oh, she fucked up. Well, she's like, it's almost ready. Five more minutes. And he like, no, like how it for, I mean, it truly is mind blowing. I'm like, this could be a Snickers commercial of like hungry. Like, you're hungry. You turn into an abuser when you're hungry. Yeah. I can't pain God. I gotta say if Snickers would

do, I'm not a Snickers fan, I would eat nothing but if they would pick this up and read. Yeah. Okay. So Lee sustained myself on Snickers. And all right, we need to talk about these kids. All right. Yes, please, because this was, I was sure this was an origin story of sloth from the goonies.

Please let's talk about the kids. This child, it's not this child's fault, it's in this movie, but he looks like he's going to slow down every English class I ever take. He's going to be like, all right, little Jimmy's going to be like the, but, but, but, and I'll be like, hey, I'm going to go get some lunch. You tell me when he gets the end of bird, all right? I mean, their house is under cross power lines. Is the look of his. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. No, he was a, and honestly, like I, I want to believe that the kid is just like the kid realized way earlier than everybody else how bad this movie was. And he's just not holding it. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

That's what I choose to be still during scenes of King of Queens. So that and if you watch old takes of King of Queens, he holds like a statue perfectly still when he's bored and does not move or say anything. Wow. It's fucking amazing. That's cool. I think the kid is bad noseball thing is all. Yeah. Let's go with that. It makes the movie a little easier to watch. Speaking of which,

this is where he smacks her for the first time. My note is just holy shit. Yeah. To the bunch of exclamation points, I screamed in my apartment alone. I was like, oh, okay, this guy is a bad human. And I want to say, we're going to back to the jokes in just a second. I know that this is like how some people take a peek into atheism is like this show. They're like, oh, I'm just watching the show that makes fun of movies.

If anyone ever puts their hands on you, you do not ever have to see that person again. Just a little PSA, little side note. Anyone who ever hits you, they're the bad person forever. You can leave. You can leave. You can go anywhere you want. They're the bad person forever. You owe them nothing.

I just want that is my official position. That is the God awful movies. That is atheism, atheism's official, no, that's God awful movies official position. Yeah. But the official stance of God awful movies is no hinting. And if you do, you're the bad guy forever. I just think it's wild because after it, he doesn't even do the thing where like, you know,

what would you see in lifetime movies? Cause I'm like, oh, and he's where just transitions into being a lifetime movie. Jay-Los about to come out. He doesn't even apologize. He's not like, oh, so sorry, baby, you just made me so angry sometimes. Like he's just like, yeah, bitch. It's like, what? Yeah, goes up to the garage and gets on his motorbike cycle and fucks off. Yeah, yeah, the kids even aren't like oh my god

Mom, they're just like oh boy like well and here's how ignorant I am we have watched 133 Christian movies we figured it out today for 140 Christian movies and I thought to myself Oh, well this character's gonna die like this character If you're waiting for that no no, no, no, no. The whole fucking time, I'm just like, I knew it was a Christian movie, so I knew that he was eventually just gonna turn to Jesus. But the whole time I was like, oh, I can't wait till he gets his, it's like if at the end of Titus and Drone, because he just had a heart attack right after he figured it out,

right? Who was the fucking point then? Yeah, they really set it up that it's going to be his redemption story, that he's going to like, his wife's going to leave, it's going to be this whole thing and that he's going to have to like work with Jesus to like come back and that and you know that it's like, it's not a great story. It's a little cliche, but I'm like, at least there's that. But then they put the redemption story in her.

They're like, yeah, there's that. But then they put the redemption story in her. They're like, she really fucked up, right? And it's like, she's gonna have the meatballs done on time. Kick down her, yeah, like what are you talking about? Oh my God. And the next scene is our first hint of that. Oh, all right.

Now this is okay. So like I'm with you, Chelsea, I was like, when he hits you, he's like, I'm like, okay, lifetime movie time or whatever, right? But then it takes this dark goddamn turn in this next scene where she goes to her mother. And her mother is basically telling her which chic to turn when he does that.

Yeah. It's fucking insane. This is where I just wrote my notes, oh, this movie is evil. It's not a bad movie. It's an evil movie. Well, it's also a bad movie, but yeah. Yeah, I wrote this is anti-bible propaganda. Christianity hates women. This is what I would write if I were like a nefarious atheist. It's like a show, a cartoonish

version of Christianity. This is what they put out to recruit people. Yes! Yes, right. Like fucking, the mom is like, well, Sandy, you weren't, she literally says you're not being submissive enough. Cheese! I, you wouldn't say that, here's the thing, you wouldn't say that in a kink community. You could be a black sheep podium at Dungeon somewhere, and if someone whips your nipple clamps off too

hard, someone will be like, Hey, are you okay, man? You need to stop fucking around with those nipple clamps, all right? You don't know how to make those things work. Then you go upstairs. You upstairs to the nipple lounge. Oh my God. And also because she's saying, you know, Sandy, you need to be more Christian. That's going to solve all your problems.

Um, and she goes, Sandy says, what about non Christian people who are happy? And mom says, we're not talking about them. Really? Really mom's just like, yes. She's new. Quite a time. Yeah, there's no argument there. So it's just, anyway, uh, yeah, that's all of our whole religion shut up. Yeah, there's no argument there. So it's just anyway, uh, yeah, fucks up our whole

religion shut up. Yeah. There's also this amazing moment where she goes, Jack loves that bike more than me. And I wanted so badly for there to be a flash cut to Jack getting in a screaming fight and then slapping his bike. But no, okay. So we cut back to him. He's just done with a bike race. Again, he didn't give up the racing. He's just got done with a bike race. She is sitting in his car unexpectedly, right? He just gets in the car and she's just been sitting there for fuck knows how long.

Yeah. How she get there? I don't know. And again, I'm so stupid. I was like, she's going to shoot him. She's going to shoot in this fucking face because I can't, I can't live in a universe where she apologizes. That's what happens by the way. She apologizes and he's like, all right,

I'm gonna go get drinks with my bros. That's the thing that when she walks up, he's like bummed to see her cause he was scamming on some girl. Yes, he was about to like fuck some other girl. It's like truly, even that would be enough that I'd be like, oh shit, she just, she's got confirmation that he's two timings. She's going to lose her. Nope. She's, she's apologizing. Okay. I can't, I spent this whole movie in disbelief.

I just kept being like, there's John Malchovitch with the grot, but he's never there. There's no grot. No, no, he's like, you know, and yeah, right in this moment, he's just hit her and then left and she's come to apologize for not getting hit better. And he's just like, uh, yeah, I don't really have time for you to apologize for that. I'm going to go get drunk. Yeah. Oh, all right. So now we just, we go to another scene there, they're having breakfast

together. This is the whole fucking movie is just me just going, should I leave? Should I? I don't feel right here. Um, but she's just like, you know, she's like, I want to have a conversation with you. You need to have some respect for me. And he flies off the fucking animal and starts yelling at her and shit. He's like, oh, you think you're so sure I might have slapped you in the face, but you're awful judgey. And by the way, fun fact, if you hit your partner, you literally never get to talk about anyone else's behavior ever again. If you run into Hitler at the grocery store, you can only ask him if those tomatoes were

on sale. You're done with moral judgments forever. You can talk about movies aren't just not morality. You're all done with that. Yeah, yeah, Hitler can't turn to you and be like, well, you double park. That's not the same thing. I mean, it depends on where you double park. That's a good point. That is a good point. Yeah, no, yeah. Right. No, Hitler would have a point there. Um, but and I love when he goes, he goes, you know, she's like saying, Hey, you know, maybe not smack me and he goes, Why am I always wrong? I'm like, good, you're the one hitting. You're the wrong one. Yeah.

Yes. It's the, it's how the script is written, motherfucker. Flash cuts to goring. You know, I am always a van who gets blamed for this kind of a lot of people to say right now that they were throwing bottles with fire in them, fire bottles. So good people on both sides. But yeah, but okay. So and then this is the other little trend this movie has is they have a fight, they start arguing and immediately the fight stops being about you shouldn't physically abuse me and starts being about who's more relatively Christian. Yeah, it's, yeah, she takes the weird bait.

It's like me in a Twitter fight, like 30 tweets down all of a sudden I'm talking about like whether or not it's okay for Hillie to have emailed private servers. And I'm like, wait, we started with Nazis. What happened? Truly, the whole time, it's just so clear, it's just like, he just needs a therapist. Like, he feels so insecure the whole time. I just kept, and this is my bad. I just kept trying to empathize with these people and be like, this is a true story. Like, these are real people. And so like, maybe they is a true story. Like these are real people.

And so like, maybe they'll grow and learn and they just don't. Nope. They can't. They're too dumb. Right. Apparently. And she's like, just to give you an idea of how dumb they are. At one point, he goes, what do you want from me? And she lists six things. None of which are don't hit me anymore. Yep. None of which one of which is like, don't ride your motorcycle. There are things he does that aren't bad that are on this list. She's like, and also the cussing. Yeah, please quit smoking. Yeah, that's it. It's don't smoke, don't drink, don't cuss. Go to church more. And it's just like, let's start with the hitting. Right. Yes. Smoking is bad, especially around the kids,, let's start with the hitting. Right?

Yes, smoking is bad, especially around the kids, but let's start with a fucking hitting. I mean, those kids kind of a wash, but still like as a general principle, you're saying. Second degree smoke kills, but so does like actual violence. Yes, right.

Yes. Oh, Jesus. And then the next scene is just like, and Jack didn't help me with the kids on the weekends. I'm like, Oh my God, I don't give a fuck. Oh. So yeah. So and I love how this scene starts to right because she's with her mom. And she like goes and tells the kids to stop being so noisy. She goes back to mom and she's like, Oh, sorry, mom, where was I? And mom goes, we were talking about submission.

Yeah, boy. Of course we were. And this is where she brings up for the first time in the movie, the, the D word. Oh, okay, just again, not, don't want to speak for the whole podcast. You can get divorced anytime you want to. The only reason you need to get divorced

is that you don't like that person anymore. Divorce, it's great. I've been divorced three times since the start of this podcast. There's been a lot of lawyers in this group. It's crowded. Yeah, no, okay. So we had to have a lot of lawyers in that room because Eli asked you to watch the movie about how women should sit down and shut up and then ask you to come record with him in person. So yeah, I see why now you booked me because like if it had been one other dude that's like, all right, let's talk about the thing where women are subservient. Let's go.

Yeah, we couldn't just get anyone in the atheist movement for this though. That's some movies we can just get anyone. Oh God. All right. So yeah, mom, you know, she's like, you know, I think I should get a divorce and mom is not going to listen to any of that D word bullshit. Right. It is horrifying. The level of like refusal of this mother to listen to the child, the acceptance of the abuse is genuine. And there are no jokes. It's literally just like, you know, who, I, the only of the abuse is genuine. And there are no jokes. It's literally just like, you know, the only joke I have for this whole scene is, you know, who never hits

you? Divorce papers. You just leave them there on the wall. They're right there. Someone signs them. They don't hit you. I mean, I even was thinking like, maybe they don't, like, maybe they don't realize, but like the first time they saw her, she had a, like a bruise. Like, yeah, that a busted face. Yes. they saw her, she had like a bruise. Like, yes, a busted face. Yes. And this scene, she's got a black fucking eye from where he hit her and mom's just going, yeah, you just need to be more submissive. I can see from the way that eyes, black, that you weren't really leaning into it.

She made me wonder like, is this mom also in an abusive relationship? And that's just like, right. Just remember to keep your powder in your purse. So no one knows. But, but the dad then was just like, it seemed like a real door, who was just like, yeah, well, listen to your mother.

She, yeah, yeah. Or you know what? You should, you chose him. Like, dude, you walk in and your daughter, again, I, I know,

I didn't grow and I like, I know that my luck is speaking through my observance of this movie, but you walk in and your daughter has a black eye and you're not like, I'm gonna go hit him with a car until the mush is unidentifiable. See it in a second, sweetie. You know who's not strong enough to fight a car? Everybody. Yeah, you're a big dude.

We got a hundred more of these. The pump. Yeah, right. You're riding around on a motorcycle to begin with, you're asking for it. So now stop for another motorcycle race. Right, right. We've got to cut straight from mom going like, well, have you tried just did not be in such a whore

all the time to a fucking motorcycle stock footage bit? And then we abruptly cut to him coming home with a present so they can have another starts off as a conversation quickly escalates into a screaming fight thing. And at this point in the movie, there is no sentence she can say that he does not take offense to. Yeah. It's like, oh, that's a nice hat. So you hate all my other hats. Yeah. The present is, I call the Kobe Bryant. It's like when you get caught cheating and you're just like, but I bought you something shiny or Dwayne Wade when he had that, uh, that secret love baby. Yeah.

Exactly. That's the classic thing. And he, like, that to me, that just confirmed of like, oh, yeah, he's fucking so many other women on the road. Right. Yeah. Because that's the conversation they have. She's like, well, why is it that when you go to all these races, you never want me along?

It seems to me like you would prefer to ejaculate with someone rather than alone. And he's like, yeah, I would seem like that. Wouldn't it? Do you want a present? But this scene ends with her saying like, and then he decided that I could go with them. So we cut to more stock footage of motorcycles, but also moms there and the kids are there and they're watching dust because that's what that would be, right? You're just watching a cloud of dust, but he lost that race so she wasn't allowed to

come anymore. And he loses, right. And she's like, she's like, he blamed me. I slowed his motorcycle down with all my love. Yeah. Second, again, this movie, it's heartbreak. again, it's almost like a abuse because for a second I was like, it's getting better. Like, you see, for having fun at the race, you see the kids, I'm like, oh, like, it's still a shitty moral, but it shows like if you can find common ground, you know, you can, you can build something together.

But then you're just like, no, stay out of my, stay out of my shit. And it's like, oh my God. So many times this movie pulls the rug out from under you like that. Right. So many times in this movie, it's like, oh, this is where he mends his ways in church. Did, nope, nope. Same leaf, same leaf. And then we, we get a scene where she's just like polishing his motorcycle trophies and nothing

really happens in this scene. She says she doesn't like him on the phone, but the only reason I wanted to bring this up is I don't think they should give away trophies for motorcycles. Like I feel like they should only give away trophies for things that are cool. That's just my, that's not one of the movie I'm just saying. He's just such a child. It reminds me of my like childhood bedroom with all my speech and debate trophies. Right. What a fucking loser.

If you're not pro and you're a god damn grown up with two kids who are like, you know, whatever semi sentient like his, yeah, the trophy part of your life is over guy. The trophy part is over. How? Especially because I thought that he was maybe I'm like, well, he's probably making a bunch of money, but we see him at his shitty mechanic job. This is a hobby. This isn't like he's in, you know, doing these big races and traveling around like he's doing that for thundies. Yeah, exactly right.

And this is where we get the, but it was my fault to part of the movie. And just to be clear, because the movie does it's absolute best to cover this up. The thing that she does that makes it her fault to is she gets a job and has a lunch with someone who is nice to her. Yes, she makes a friend. Yes, exactly. Right. She's like, well, I got a job, and at this point, I had a fuck, anything in gorge with blood. So this guy Frank shows up. And Frank, by the way, is the picture of anything in gorge with blood at this point. It looks like a mean political cartoon of me.

It is not a good look. But it's truly like if she's like, I was kind of into it, then it's like, oh my God, what a battered woman that she's like, this troll seems nice. Yes. Oh my God, and like at this point in the movie, like I'm having that Eli moment where I'm like,

oh, okay, so her and Frank are gonna fix the breaks on his motorcycle and live happily ever after. Frank seems like a nice guy. And just to underscore why that needs to happen. At the end of the scene she calls her husband and she's like, hey, don't forget it's your kid's birthday. Oh, you're not going to make it home at all and see your kid on his birthday.

Not at all. No. Okay. Jesus. So she decides to take the kid to the shop, but he doesn't have time for this kid bull shit. Yeah, and he's like, he's like, I don't have time to say hello to my son. I'm very busy doing very busy motorcycle business in this entirely empty garage. When she comes in and he's on the phone, he's on the phone with a mistress.

Why? It seems I thought that's what they were saying because he's like, yeah, my wife's here. My wife's here. I gotta go. I gotta go. He clearly was not talking business because to a client, you wouldn't be like, uh, uh, you know what, we got to finish this later by my wife's here. Like, so to me, I was like, oh, shit, another clue of the affair. So I thought, this is Chekhov's affair at this point.

At some point, this thing has to be revealed and blow up, but no. I love to because mom's like she goes like, it's Brian's birthday. I got him that mouse you wanted. I'm like, that's a found gift. You forgot to get something. You forgot to get some front yard. There we go. Yes. Yeah. He's like,

don't bring the kids here and the only thing I have here is he just, I'll be home at 4 a.m. Please make sure dinner is ready and piping hot. All right. So we cut to her. The two of them open in front of a TV. They're watching news reel about school enrollment. And at this point, the movie is so boring.

I'm like, yeah, let's stick with that. You know, how was school enrollment in 77? Yeah. And I wrote as a joke, he's stick with that. You know, how was school enrollment in 77? Yeah, and I wrote as a joke, he's gonna punch the mouse in the face. Just keep that in mind as we describe this scene. Oh, God, I was so pissed. That was my joke.

He's gonna punch the mouse in the face. Well, this is where I love animals. And like, I'm the person in a war movie that I'm like, well, I guess a million humans died and then like one dog gets born up and I'm like, aah, war is bad. And so this scene, I was like, if he touches that little mouse, I know. Oh, I'm with it. Oh, I'm with it.

And he is truly a fucking monster. So they have this conversation where she's like, where like apparently he found out that she had lunch with Frank and she's like, it was just lunch and he's like, you're a whore. And they start yelling at each other. And eventually he picks up the mouse and then throws it onto the ground and kills it while his son is watching. Yep. It made me sad because I'm like, this movie's from the 70s. They did not have like animal filter like that is a real That's all they were just like they were like no that wasn't a good

Yeah, let's just smash a mouse and there we go Oh That was so fucked up and again this movie is not about how that kid then like feeds him bleach Yeah, exactly and that kid by the way is listening to this podcast right now And I just want you to know Brian wherever you are. It's okay. It's your dad's fault It's not yours. Oh my god. I just it just occurred to me that that character's name is Brian Dude, this is Brian's origin story. This way doesn't give a he doesn't give a fuck about the lighting Of course not because of the mouse of course it all makes sense

We found it all right. Well, I know this doesn't really fall into an act break But for fuck sake I need a break from this shit and the audience probably does too So let me give that a three the hard sell and we'll take a break here Will Sandy peel jacks testicles like grapes will she chain them up in a basement and build a wall in front of them Will the kids take turns stabbing him with forks until he stops fissioning? And if not, what a fuck would you make a movie about this? Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the negligently homicidal conclusion

of all the King's horses. Hey, is this your car? Back the fuck off, I will stab you. Jesus. Sorry, stranger danger. Right, sorry, Is this your car? Yes. I have my keys in between my knuckles. No, no, it's, um, you have a flat tire. Oh, thanks for pointing it out. Yeah. Uh, do you have a spare little lady? Well, are you offering

to change it for me? No. I should, I should don't know how to do that, but my mom has AAA, I think, so I could probably get you a toe. Um, thanks. Yeah, let me, let me call her. Let me give you a second. Hi, mommy. Yeah, I'm seducing this girl and I want to know if you still have AAA. I don't, I don't know. I'll ask. She wants to know if you're cute. Um, no, no, she's not.

Okay. She says we don't have AAA. Oh, okay. Uh, so, yeah. Sorry. What do you do? Oh, me. I'm a podcaster. Uh, what does that mean? It's like the radio, never mind. I like your scooter. It's a Vespa.

And against my better judgment, we're back for more of this shit when we last left off. Jack was a psychotic fuck that killed his children's pets for spite. But that's okay. Because after that, he went to see a pastor. Yeah. This scene opens up with, I guess Jack felt he'd been a little rough on me. Yeah. A little rough on me means beats me and kills my child's pet.

You know, Pol Pot had been a little rough on the Cambodia. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've got to be a bit of a downer. And also just to underscore how useless it would be to go see a fucking preacher at a time like this, the pastor's reading them a fucking pamphlet. He's also, he tells her that he won't do anything unless Jack did something that would hold up in court.

Yeah. Uh, like maybe beating your wife. Yeah. Well, that's hold up in court. Yeah. Like maybe beating your wife. Yeah. Well, that's yeah, exactly. I want to point out that like it was illegal to beat your wife at this point in 1977. Interestingly enough, by the way, and it only been that way since 1920, I wonder if that's because that's the year we gave women the vote. Oh my god.

What are those two are related at all? gave women the vote. Oh my God. One of those two are related at all. Oh Jesus. Yeah. Oh damn. Yeah, the pamphlet is just so you're beating your wife. Exactly. Yeah, I want one of those. You just got a wall by.

Yeah, right. You think the punch besides her. Yeah. Black guy. Oh, God. She's so. That's also bad. It was no, actually, and not in the night. Oh, black guy. Oh, God. Oh, that's also bad.

It's no, no, actually, yeah, not in 1970s. No, he had one of those who was on the bottom row. So you're punching a black guy. It's like it's like, it's like a method. You just get to stair stepping situation. Exactly. It's like black panther didn't come out till 2018. So like this totally, totally okay. He likes. All right. So I'm not wearing a collier, but you can imagine I am.

And I'm pulling the car. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So he reads him a pamphlet and gives him a booklet that ought to solve the violence. Jesus. And at this point, okay. This again, this movie's so fucking depressing. I don't even want to make jokes from here on out. This is where she starts taking sleeping pills really heavily. Yeah, because full Requiem for a dream at this point. It's like one bad thing to another and you're like, it can't get worse.

And soon it's like, asterious. It's so much worse. And this movie is so much worse than Requiem for a Dream. It is. It is. If all she had to do was go ask to ask with Jennifer Connelly at this point, it'd be a step up. Yeah.

And we should point out that her taking the sleeping pills in this movie is a bad thing she did. Not I was abused and turned to drugs because my husband was physically and emotionally torturing me It's like, but I wasn't perfect Right, I did some bad things too, right? Um, so her husband confronts her about the sleeping pills This is where he punches the fuck out of her punches PUNCHES

First you can't hit again official policy. I've got all the movie. There's no hitting, but like definitely an underscore definitely no punching. I just, yeah, like I thought at a certain point, he was just going to be taking a chainsaw to her like scar face and just going to go, well, I didn't have those meatballs done. You're right, honey. He's pretty rough on me. I thought people'd out the pills. I thought it was going to turn into like she tries to kill herself. Oh, I thought she was going to murder him. Oh, that would have been way better. But I was like, again, I was like, this is something's about to really snap.

All right. Here's where it gets juicy. But no, it's, it's truly just like salty cracker all the way down. Yeah. Yeah. It just like takes an ambient bedtime and that's why he punches her. Right. So she goes back to mom and dad's place.

And mom should at this point, like she comes back with this huge black guy. Mom should just shoot herself in the mouth right here. She should have, oh, wow, my advice was bad. Boom. Yep. Yeah. Absolutely. Mom is at least as much of a bad guy here as anybody James Bond ever killed. So of course, her solution, Sandy solution, when she gets to her mom's solution, her mom's

like, well, where you be in a bitch and she's like, you know what, I'm going to call the pastor. Right. She calls the pastor because she needs to tattle. She needs to fucking tattle to the pastor. She can't just be like, you know what? I'm an adult. Fuck you, Jack. And then go just start making it down. Hotel 66. I like this alternate version where she just like reinvents herself. She cuts her hair, it becomes sliding doors or you play love. She like goes to find herself in Tuscany.

Oh, that's so much better. And I kept, again, I know it's my luck shining through, but I just kept waiting for that part of the movie. Yeah. Never came. I was always sleeping pills. I was like, oh, she's going to grind them up and kill Jack. Yeah. Oh, yeah. At least I thought like she attempts suicide, which like again, is not good. But at least I was like at least it'll end for her.

Like this is awesome. Where do you think like suicide is like, well, I mean, there are worse dates for this lady. But like I, and then something and then he'd have an epiphany from the suicide attempt to be like, oh my God, I almost drove my wife to this. I need to chill. No, she's the bad guy. No, according to them. And then we do get like base, I don't know if it's supposed to be a suicide attempt.

They're just supposed to be, you know, she was stuck in for her M&Ms, but she does end up eating a bunch of sleeping pills. So the next scene we get like the pastor's calling, she never showed up. Dad goes driving off to find her. She is eight feet away. Right. He pulls out his driveway and the drive way. Yes. Yes. He pulls out of the driver. He's like, oh, there she is. Why didn't you look around first, man? So she's eating sleeping pills, so they decide they have to take her to the mental hospital. Right. Yeah, now we're going full.

We interrupted. Yeah, we are for a dream here. Yeah, right, right. They both meet. So and this is by the way, we're okay. So we're supposed to see that both of them hit bottom at this point because she serves Jack with us, like separation papers. and she's in the mental hospital. See, they both fucked up. Yeah. Everyone makes mistakes. He abused her and she reacted to the abuse.

Yeah. Until she had a psychotic break. I mean, like, she's truly, uh, and now it's time for the talking to for him by the pastor. Oh my God. Yeah. This is fucking insane. The pastor is I have gotten yelled at more by Noah by the way I eat during room tone. You listen to me young man. If you kill her, I'm going to be not just cross. I'll be down right angry. And I'm like, why you should kill him with a hammer and use a child as an alibi? What are you doing? And this, this is the mean pastor,

because there are two pastors, this pastor gym, and then there's another guy, and like, he's the one who's like, don't hit your wife. And then there's another pastor who we will meet who is like, I don't know maybe a little So up and Paul it's fine. Oh, yeah, so no here's the actual line from the fucking pastor he says next time You might kill her then you won't be talking to me. You'll be talking to a judge. I'm like, why isn't he talking to a judge this time Already he should be talking to the judge of us all, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Right. Oh, yeah. He was sleeping pills. Yeah. But yeah, Jack sure needs somebody's help, but no human will do. He's going to have to find Jesus. Then we cut to her going like, and it was about them that I realized I've made some mistakes. I should mend my ways. Jesus. She goes, she goes like, God, you know, I kept wanting to give up, but God made himself

obvious in subtle ways. And I'm like, those two adjectives are working against each other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And if you're wondering how God made himself obviously, it wasn't stopping the beatings.

It was a church sign that told her to smile, a church sign version of street harassing. Yeah. Oh, and then all right, in case you're not pissed off enough, then we have to meet her divorce lawyer. Oh my God. This is the worst lawyer in the world. Like divorce lawyer, if you're a divorce lawyer, that's your, that's your job is to help get divorced. And he's like, if you're a divorce lawyer, that's your job is to help people get divorced. And he's like, are you sure?

Because I don't know. It's like, she's a hot lady who's 35. She looks the same as when she was 15. He's rather than, she just doesn't have pick kills now. Like, what do you do? And he should be like, oh, yeah, you should get divorced. You're going to find a way to catch. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But instead, he's just mansplaining to her about like, oh, well, have you tried like maybe just, you know, he mostly only hits

you in the right eye. Have you tried looking through the left a little more? And again, we should point out that as you said, maybe you should go back to your husband. She has a blatantly visible black eye. I just wrote in my notes here, Hey, man, can you be a fucking divorce lawyer? Exactly. Oh, I wrote, uh, this should just be called patriarchy, the movie. Yeah, right. Because even they allies, the supposed allies are like, I don't know, like maybe you should go back to the kitchen.

It's like, oh my god. Well, yeah, because later we get the same scene only. It's the fucking divorce lawyer and the pastor and Jack all telling her she can't get divorced. Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah. So she's like, and I was going to go ahead with the divorce, but the night before the court date, God intervened again. And I'm like, what was the first time? So here's what happens. Jack is riding his motorcycle and he sees the same sign that she saw and it gets in a motorcycle crash. And again, I'm such an idiot. I just kept waiting for this movie to be right that I was like, oh, good.

He's fucking dead. I thought he would die, but also I just want to point out he's bad at writing motorcycles. Right. I saw him crash earlier. We saw him crash now. Like this dude has multiple crashes. And honestly, I mean, what are these races? They're just amateur races with his buddies.

Right. Right. They're like, hey, let's all go in on a trophy. You get this week's. But I also love she's like God intervening. Bam, he gets hit by a car and I'm like, Hey, let's all go in on a trophy. You get this week's, but I also love she's like God intervening. Bam, he gets hit by a car and I'm like, well, it's a good start. I would love to if he got hit by lightning on the other side of the car or two, but Wolverines jump out of the car that they were driving a fortune again.

And I'm like, all right, God. Okay. I like that God is also abusive. And like the only way to deal with punching is divine punching. Yeah, right. All right. So we cut to him in the hospital. She brought this is so 1977. She brought him a box and the box just says really big on it. AM FM digital clock radio.

It's digital, y'all. Stay in the art. It's the size of a fucking wood burning stove. Yeah. all the state of the art. It's the size of a fucking wood burning stove. Yeah, she's and she's like, how do you feel? Are you going to be a bitch about it? Yeah, it's fucking crazy. She comes to visit him. He hit her. She comes to visit him. And he's like, oh, are you here to give me a hard time? And I'm like smother him with a pillow smother him with the pillow pillow and I might like this movie.

Yeah. Yeah, also like it's not like she asked him out and like she pressured him to get married. All of that. All of this was his doing. He vandalized her car. He has this. And then like she's like, I don't want to marry you. And he's like, come on.

I'll wrestle you in the mud. Like this has been his own doing, but he again, just blame. Sorry, he's like, I had dreams. What were your dreams? I'd be riding on that motorcycle with his long lost buddy who just disappeared in the night. Exactly. You make this movie way better, Chelsea.

I don't know. I said, what's the better than it is? No, you can't make it worse. So, well, okay, and then again, this is the movie pulling the rug out from under you, right? Cause she grabs the radio and storms off cause he's being such an asshole. And the movie has obviously set up,

but then God intervened. He got hit by a fucking thing and he thought about what it was gonna be like when he died and he realized he should be a good guy and it nope. Nope, he's still an asshole. So she storms off. No, instead she goes to a don't divorce your husband protagonist presentation at the local church. Oh my God, the way they introduced this is so fucking sloppy, right?

She's sitting there listening to the radio and the advertisement comes on and says like, are you about to get divorced? Are you the main character of this movie? Well, we've got a seminar for you. It's called being not divorced is awesome. Jesus. And so then we get up being not divorced is awesome musical. Diddy. Music. I call that. Musical interlude at this point. I was like, I, I now believe in the afterlife because hell is real. And I made it. Yeah. See, the outfits were so bad in the scene. I was like, okay, I forgive this movie. Jack can beat her to death. I mean, those lines on the collar made it worth it.

And also, I got a point out because we've made fun of the kids a couple of times already. We're going to do it at least one more time because the kid, like they keep showing the crowd shot at her. And she's an actress or at least she thinks she has, she's having a good old time. Those kids are so goddamn pissed. That like flies are crawling on their faces. Very, very miserable. Even when the line is like, what are the lines in the song is,

look at the kids laughing away and they cut to those two kids they're in the middle of giving the heath boo. Ha ha ha, it's the fun. Boo, boo. Also, at. It's the fun. B. B. Also, at some point when they were making this movie, someone was like, hey, this is the worst thing ever.

Should we make it a musical? Yeah, yeah, let's make it a musical. Yeah. Yeah, so we get the song and then we get the sermon. Now, this is where we get the tagline for the whole movie where he says, it takes three to make a marriage, a husband, a wife, and God. I'm like, no, no, no, sheriff, a sheriff's marshal surgeon. No, no, God.

It is like, of course, the point of the whole thing is, you know, the answer isn't divorce. It's my religion. Jesus. She goes back to, she goes backstage at this point to like get some extra help. And I was like, please like sleep with this reverend guy later. I was hoping for any they was like, good, just have a Jared Lido moment. Anything that gets her out of the spirit. Yeah. But unfortunately, instead of fucking her, his, his, uh, messages, um, well, if you

get a divorce, your kids will hate you. So let's wish to God real hard. Ugh. Uh, and the one thing I will say about that scene though, the one saving grace was that they were trying to drown out the stupidity with room hiss at that point, true. They were, I, I don't even have jokes for this part of the movie because at this point, I just started being like, fuck this, fuck this, fuming in my bedroom. You know, because it truly, it just feels like at a certain point, the movie is punishing

the viewer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The writing, the jokes in this movie is like going on a roller coaster that starts to go backwards by accident. You're like, yeah, it's all right. We're done. We're done here.

Are we done? Yeah, we were like, there is no point in this because we were 58 minutes into this movie at this point. And if Eli had called me right then and said, you want to just do the first 58, I would be like, yes, and I would have been like that at any point in the movie. Oh, yeah. It would have been the thing is nothing at any point changes. I mean, I'm sorry to give it away, but like, nothing changes, nothing happens.

It's just things get worse for her and yet she does nothing. And so like, if you'd stopped it after the first mom thing of just like, you had to stay with him. It's like, that's the end of the movie. He keeps using her. She keeps trudging on. Yeah, exactly. We would have had the same ending, but no, I don't want to say nothing changes because in the manner of grandma telling you a story, you're trying to escape from, but just can't get

an award in edge wise. This is the part where she's like, and then I met Patty and I'm like, oh, you know, we're only 60 minutes to an 80 minute movie. That's a great time for a new character. And she just made a her different church. She's, and again, this is what this movie's version of a plot is is we had a pastor who my husband didn't hate as much and convinced to stop the punchy punch. But he didn't. Yeah, we'll get to it. But he done. No. Uh, so, but I love this. Okay. So we've introduced Patty as a character. She's here just to deliver this one singular line. And she cannot fucking do it. She, they brought in a stunt line

deliver her for her at a certain point, because this is the part where she, like, he's given the sermon and she raises her hand and she goes, I think that the laws of the universe say that I would have a line in so that they would have to pay me for it. Yeah. No, I, what was the point of that dialogue? It was a meaningless platitude, and she still managed to fuck it up three times. Okay, because I wrote it, I read a law, and I guess it's the law of the universe or something. I can't pay attention.

I've rewound the movie. But after this sermon, she goes to talk to the, and we've got to talk, this is Pastor Jim, right? This is the first movie Pastor Jim. And honestly, his blazer is almost as disturbing as the rest of the movie up to this point. He looks like David R. White is in disguise as a used car salesman. I have down as the bookie pastor. But yeah, but he would like, he she comes to him and says, you know, hey, I'm going through

this problem. My husband, she's like, well, I'd like a chance to talk you out of divorcing your psychotic, abusive husband. Would you give me that chance? Jesus. They're all villains. Everyone in this movie is a good one. Like a cartoonish villain if he's like, and I'm also gonna tie you to train tracks.

I feel like, yeah. I'm sure. I'm probably my fault. Yeah. I've made it so much. Yeah. All right. So they did some, so she goes to do some counseling.

Where by the way, he's sitting way too close to her. Very uncomfortable. Yes. And, and he convinces her that she's got everything she needs already. She's just when he hits her, she, she needs to rub some dirt in it. So she goes back to give Jack another chance. And then he murdered her. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, the ones that get murdered don't get to make movies later about it. Do they? You her. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, the ones they get murdered don't get to make movies later about it. Do they? You fucking survivor bias murderous homicidal fucking movie? Oh, it's the worst. No, instead, they get in a fight again because she's willing to take him back after hitting her twice as long as he becomes a Christian.

But for some reason, he's the one making demands. Yeah. Yeah. The guy whose skin should just be grafted off and given to burn victims because he doesn't deserve it is making demands of her. Oh, God. And it's so poorly written that at one point in this conversation, he goes, I'm just sick of your righteous, whatever you call it, that's the actual line. Oh, God. So she goes back to the attorney because she's super best friend promises. She wants a divorce this time and he super best friend doesn't want to get her to get a divorce. And now again, literally everyone in the room is trying to convince her not to get a divorce

at this point. Yeah, yep. I just assume wherever this was filmed, there is no bar. You know, at the past they just, you're like, I want to be an attorney. And they're like, are you, do you hate women? Here you go. Yeah. Yeah.

So how do you Arabia? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we never saw her drive. We just saw her sitting in a car and sleeping in a car. She was born in a barn and she lives in Saudi Arabia. Chelsea Davidson is the mechiver of this movie. She is making it work.

All right. So she decides ultimately not to get divorced because Jack agreed to meet with Pastor Jim. So we go to this scene where she meets with Pastor Jim. Now, before he shows up, we have this bit where she's sitting there talking to the, uh, to the pastor's wife that starts with the pastor's wife saying, and I quote, well, if you get a divorce, it sure will be difficult to live a victorious life. What? Yeah. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean.

It's like, well, I mean, technically, I'll be victorious over my abusive husband. I could even take his kids away. That's pretty victorious. I don't know how you define victory, Linda. Are we talking about sleeping pills? I'm with you, girl. I'm with you. Well, and then the pastor's wife's like, you know, well, I've been through this before

too. I understand what you're going through. And it's okay. So Pastor Jim beats his wife wife too, apparently. Yeah. But okay, but he shows up and and him and Pastor Jim, it sure do hit it off. So now they don't want to get a divorce. So we cut to the two of them. They're standing out on the like outside by the truck talking about how maybe they shouldn't get a divorce, right? Yeah. Right. And this is where he asks, he's like, you know, Sandy, I didn't get a divorce, right? Yeah. Right. And this is where he asks, he's like, you know, Sandy, I didn't want a divorce.

I just wanted to punch you in the face. Yeah. And she goes, well, I didn't want a divorce either. And he goes, so was the problem. I'm like, the fact that you punched her in the face. And she's like, I don't really know what the problem is to be honest. And then they kiss, right? And she's like, but I didn't feel anything in the kiss.

And I just like, because she has nerve damage from the face. Right. Right. Right. Oh my God. And then we get this bizarre montage of her thinking about fucking other dudes.

This is the craziest, stupidest side angle. This man has beat her and we spend genuine, there are five minutes left in this fucking movie. I was counting the seconds at this point. There's five minutes left, but we have to spend four of her going, I don't know, there just wasn't that certain Disney magic when we kissed. And I'm like, what about when he punched you in the face? Well, but that was, that's the thing.

For me, when she doesn't even feel anything when they kiss and she's fantasizing about other men, that's like, okay, not only is he an abusive monster, but you can't even be like, but I just like, God, was he hot? She's not even attracted to him. There is truly no redeeming thing. He's not a good father. He's not a good husband. He has nothing in common with you and you don't even want to to him. There is truly no redeeming thing. He's not a good father. He's not a good husband. He has nothing in common with you

and you don't even want to fuck him. Right. There's nothing. If you guys saw big little lies, that relationship, at least she's like, I mean, he might kill me, but like, who the sex might kill me? If you know what I mean,

and you're like, well, you know, Dude, 13 reasons why has a better relationship than this movie. All right. So, so now she's super duper going to go through with the divorce. And so she goes to meet with her divorce lawyer and pastor Jim once again, hoping that these men will give her permission to get a divorce, but they don't. Right? Like, he's like, well, don't you think if God gave you the answer, you'd agree with me? I'm a pastor and she's like, well, I don't love him anymore.

And he's like, well, that doesn't matter. Jesus. Yeah. Literally, she says, what about love? And he just doesn't answer. And he goes, all right, I got a story about Jesus. Well, right. Because she's like, you know, well,

he goes, well, do you think Jesus died on the cross because he wanted to? Oh, I'm like, it's, okay, a good marriage is like being tortured to death by Romans. Is that what you're saying? Is that the message of this film? A good marriage is like sacrificing yourself to yourself. To make up for lamb lost blood, man,

chick, what the fuck? He's like, he starts explaining how marriage is like substitutional anachronism. Also, that's the whole thing with Jesus. Like, do you think he wanted to die first? And that's the basis of Christianity. Yes. Yes, he did want to.

He did that. That's it. He knew he would be betrayed and he did it anyway, because he wanted it. She does not want to. He did. He knew he would be betrayed and he did it anyway, because he wanted it. She does not want to get punched. She's been trying to get out of it the whole time. If at some point Jesus, Jesus was like, you know what? I don't actually want to be the savior. That's the end of that story. The end of that story. He's just like blueberry muffins and everyone's like, oh, okay, we're done. We're done. Not a lot of people know

Jesus is safe word, but now. You're very muffins. So we go back to her house. They won't, the men won't let her get divorced. So she goes home. Sometimes later, Jack shows up screaming at her about how she's going to go through with the divorce. And again, at this point, I'm watching the movie because there's like 30 seconds left in the film.

And I'm like, this character is still a piece of shit. How is he going to be redeemed in the next like 12 seconds of movie? On a lighter note, I really appreciated that over the course of the movie, their hair got more and more similar. It's true. By this scene, like they had the same haircut. And it looked great on both of them. Oh, it could have become a super saiyan together if they had just done little dance and touch their fingertips. Absolutely. I love the silver linings that you've managed to find here.

I tried. I also love the fact that basically this character's line here when he comes in, when the husband comes in, he's basically like, I'm being nice now. What more do you want from me, you bitch? Yeah. Literally, he's like, I did everything you wanted. And I'm like, really was what she wanted the entering the room screaming? He basically accuses her of being a tease.

Like he's like, you said you weren't gonna divorce me and then you changed your mind. You're not allowed to do that. Like it's just this weird thing of like, well, I don't know, like no take backs. Yeah, I felt like I was at a school presentation and someone was about to be like, freeze. Now how did Jack pressure her into? Excuse me. I'd like to smoke and rape someone so that this ends.

Can I? Yeah. And of course, again, we're not addressing the face punching at all, right? Like he's like, well, what do you want from me? And again, it's not not to punch me in the face. She's like, when I kissed you, I didn't see fireworks like an act one. Oh, all right, which was a bad kiss. It really was. It started bad. It's sort of the fact that it got worse. It's just, it's, it's sad. And now it's time for the weirdest right turn this movie could possibly take. Yes, he angrily goes up to see the kids to say goodbye or something.

Yeah, and the one kids like, oh, daddy, I sure hope you come back to live with us. I'm sick of feeding my pets. And the dad's like, yeah, I don't get to do that. Your mom's being a bitch still. And then he leaves. Right. And then he leaves. Right. And then the kid has to discuss something with mother. Something very important.

Something will be the turning point of this entire film. Keep in mind the pain and suffering we've all been through at this point. This is the turning point of the film. I mean, and that's, I think usually how movie structure works. You want your turning point to happen two minutes before the end of the video.

Yeah. So the kid says to mom, she's like, Daddy isn't saved. Is he? And she's like, Nope. And he's like, I sure hope Jesus doesn't come back with all of them. Scorpion horse locusts of Ford, that it gets saved. And then we get the most ridiculous like nobody ever expects the rapture.

It's in honor and shit. Like she's just figured out the final piece of the mystery tumble weeds go by. And then she runs downstairs to save his soul. But it's too late. Because she realizes at this point, again, the abused woman who is the protagonist of this movie realizes that she didn't pray hard enough for her husband to be a Christian, and that's why their marriage had so many problems. Yes, yes, that's the turn, right? She then prays to God to forgive her for being punched in the face so much.

And then we get the scene in the shop, right? Yeah, right. We have to get, well, it's a Christian movie. So you have to get the big long prayer scene. And then, yeah, then she calls him at the shop. Oh, my God. This, this scene I literally screamed during. Me and Anna screamed in glorious chorus during this,

because she calls him and she says, I need you. Like when you finish work on your bike, I'll make you a nice dinner and he's like, fine, it better be extra delicious. And I was just, all my notes are like, I want a harm, everyone involved in this movie. I'm gonna look up all the actors and like, hurt their pets and take away their pay accounts.

Like I can still remember how to do an email fishing scam. I have to harm people who made this. I'm pissed at the 70s in general for letting this out. I know that's where I came from. I know that's where my wife came from. I'd be willing to do without it. If we could just nuke the 70s and get rid of this movie, I'm fine making that sacrifice. I mean, this just makes like this could be propaganda for like ISIS. This makes me think America

is bad. I'm like, we deserve whatever happens to us. Yeah. Oh, and then there's also this stupid fucking thing where she calls and she's like, Jack, come home and be my husband again and he goes, you sound so different. She's like, no, yeah, I powered up to level three Christian with my last prayer. So that you're gonna be able to- She probably just on sleeping pills. She crushed them on just, already am now for, you know, so their extra potent

just, I need you. Everything's a song, Jack, come on home. I can push through. So, okay, so now he comes home. He's brought her a gift. Now, they're gonna save it for the very end of the movie, the reveal, but it's home. He's brought her a gift. Now they're going to save it for the very end of the movie, the reveal, but it's obviously the goddamn Jesus picture for the beginning. Well, I mean, a box that shape and size could be anything.

And then she says, and this is an actual line from the abused wife to her abused husband in this movie. She says, and I quote, here I've been blaming you for everything, but all the time it's been me. I just screamed. I just screamed through this whole part of the movie. It just makes me sad. No, I wasn't okay with it. Because I listeners got sent this movie. Like if if this movie had been made for me, I would really enjoy it. If I knew no women before us, I'd be okay with it. Oh my God. And again, I got to underscore this.

There is no point in this film where he apologizes, right? There's no point where he even pretends that he's not going to hit her anymore. And there's no point in this movie where she implies that he stopped hitting her. No, the Apple log should just be Sandy died two years later from an extra hard punch. Yeah. So she goes. So now he's going to become a real Christian. He goes to Pastor Jim and he goes, I want to have what Sandy has.

I so wanted to pastor Jim to just punch him in the face, give him a shiner. There you go. Yeah. Pastor Jim's the cool pastor, right? The pastor who lets you stay out a little late and punch your wife if you want to. Yeah. Yeah. Pastor Jim. Um, all right. So then she goes back to tell the kids that daddy's coming home. Now again, keep in mind like how horrible is it to keep your kids? And I understand I'm not trying to blame abused wives and shit for this kind of stuff, but like she's now consciously making the decision to bring the abusive person who

killed this kid's pet in front of him back into their life. Oh God. That's the happy ending. It's the end. That's that is literally the like, the ending lines of this fucking movie are we still have our problems, but What are you gonna do? Yep, but in a critics. Yes You know my house is not gonna have a mouse problem

Silver lighting school or all right. So obvious question. Well, any of us ever be okay again. Uh, no. No. Oh, okay. All right. I'm glad it's not just me. I just got my friend a college buddy, Chelsea. Right. We did Christian Mingle. That was fun. That was so. I had some chemistry. And then I was like, Hey, do you want to watch this abuse propaganda? That was fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun.

That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun.

That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. That was so fun. I'm messaging Eli before we do this.

Like, have you talked to Chelsea since you're asking? You know guys, I just had a realization. I've been blaming you for everything. Here, all the time, it's been me. It's really your fault we watched this movie. All the time. Now, I feel like where this movie really started to follow up, uh, a part was in the tag line. So I feel like we can fix it with a, with a rewrite here. We're going to make it

a good movie after all, but we have to go all the way back to the tag line to do it. So I want you guys to fill in the, uh, the blank and fix the movie. All right. All the King's horses. It takes three to make a marriage, a husband, a wife, and black. Okay, all the King's horses, it takes three to make a marriage, a husband, a wife, and no hitting! No hitting! Certainly a big improvement, Chelsea, can you fix it? All the King's horses, it takes three to make a marriage,

a husband, a wife, and a helmet, I guess. See, I was going to make it a really good movie and say all the King's horses, it takes three to make a marriage, a husband, a wife, and one of the King's horses. All right. Well, Chelsea, thank you so much for hanging out with us today. If our listeners would like to hear more of your work, where should they go? you can find me on Twitter. It's at Chelsea, C-H-E-L-S-E-A, underscore Davison, D-A-V-I-S-O-N. Uh, yeah. Or if you're in New York City, you can come out to a show sometime. Awesome. Awesome. Of course, we'll have your Twitter on the show notes for this episode. And if you want to know where, when you can check out those shows, obviously, you just want to follow Chelsea on Twitter. And while that's going to do it for our review of all the King's horses, that's not going

to do it for the episode just yet because we still need a promise that next week it won't be like this again. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. I can only imagine it's got to be better than this. It cannot be better than this. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 134 to a merciful close. Thank apologies once again to Chelsea for suffering alongside us tonight, and especially

huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to help us get the necessary counseling to recover from this week's selection, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to spend by living as a five store review on iTunes and by sharing the show on any various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a di ostentation needed in the skeptic ride available

on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email gaudolfo movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast, or provide it by the law, if it's a P.A. Andrew Torres, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotting with you on Mars, all of the music was written and performed by our audience engineer Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neil, I Boston, God, no illusions, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week

until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. If you would like to get a divorce, though I hadn't get a divorce. The dead mouse got blow-glowed back to life by the dude from the green mile. That's the only way I can leave the record okay. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.