God Awful Movies - 136: Paul: Apostle of Christ

Episode Date: March 27, 2018

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of "Paul: Apostle of Christ"; the story of an old woman failing to get into her bag of Twizzlers in the row in front of us, and nothing more interesting than that happening on screen. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

But then, just then, a funny thing happened on his way to Damascus. Okay, here's the thing, you really didn't want to play this as a seizure and switching religiously. You really wanted to be like, and then he's like, whoa, you don't want it to be like No, my cousin does that I know what that is God put a thing post stick I'm on a side God awful movie movies movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

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movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. That right, Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who's going to heaven? Who's that? Martin Screly. And this week's movie will explain exactly why. Oh yeah, yeah, no, it will. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend, Eli, Bostic Eli, how are you? This fine afternoon, sir.

I am fantastic. Are you sure? Are you? Oh yeah. I watched this movie with you and I feel like it would have taken more than 24 hours to recover. So, okay, so tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched Paul, a Possible of Christ. It's the story of...

Nothing happens. It's not, it's do less the movie. The whole time, it's like, hey, Paul, you're the fucking title. Should we do a thing? No, don't let's pop back down. God is love. Nothing. Yeah. Yeah. No, I fully endorse an Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you love tales of adventure sacrifice and the power of the human spirit, but you hate hearing them first or even second hand. This movie, it's a movie about a second hand account of a guy's nominally exciting life.

The only way for this to be more boring would for it to be a podcast about watching a movie. Yeah. boring would for it to be a podcast about watching a movie. Yeah, the boredom in this movie has exponents. It's really hard to calculate exactly how boring it was because I thought when we went to this, that this was going to be the story of acts, which that's pretty boring, but it's not. It's the story of acts being written in acts. Yeah. Yeah. It would be like advertising on movie about the Crimean War, but then you get there and it's just Alfred Tennyson brainstorming words that rhyme with 100. Here's how boring this movie was. I wear heart monitor all the time. Yes. And my wife

gets notifications if my heart rate drops really, really suddenly so that she'll know she's rich now and has to stop pretending that podcasts. It's. And I was so bored during this movie that my heart rate dangerously dropped and she texted me during the movie being like, Hey, are you dead? I will boat a Jamaican capowari and struck me to meet. That's a true story. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I was like, what's going on? I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I was like, what's going on? I was like, no, I just my heart. What side is trying to kill me halfway through this?

That's just like, oh, come on, man. It's not worth bumping blood for this. All right. So I also found a good demonstration of how boring this movie was. It wasn't life threatening, but on the IMD beach, if you have page for it. They have two items and one of them is and I sh this is seven of nine people found this interesting This was the item Paul of taran Paul the Apostle and Saul of Tarsus are one man The whole exactly right right that's how little this movie is going on. Hey guys, turns out Mike Michael and Mike you're all one dude. Jesus. Seven out of nine liked it.

They liked it. Great. Oh, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to say best worst. Um, migratory accents. It's crazy. So you know how Roman people in 67 AD were British, Irish and American

but like all at once. Yeah. Rotate like every few words, but also like add countries every so often. Yeah. Well, this movie took their historical accuracy very seriously. Yeah. Yeah. No shit. Best worst accents from the guys who've watched the communist accent movies, all of them. Jesus, it was, it was really bad. It was like, it was, they had like a, any accent will do kind of an attitude when it came to the Romans. I was going to go with best worst profundity. Yes. Okay, throughout this movie, this whole movie is Luke in a prison saying, so Paul, you got any more wisdom. I was going to write it down in this book, but Paul never said anything wise, right? So they've got nothing to work with. He's like, well, good. It's better than

bad bad. You know, when you're a little too stoned with your friends and then this amazing sentence comes into your head, you're like, okay, here we go. Dip the balloon in icy cold water. And everyone's like, what? And you're like, man, I fucked me up when I thought it. So, no, I'm gonna workshop it. Just give me like 10 minutes.

Give me like, is everyone mad at me? Now, you have to tell me, show me your dick. The movie. Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst child sacrifice. Every time this movie gets bored, it kills a job. Yes. Yes.

It's like they had four dead kids and they were like, all right, and we'll just, movies 120 minutes long, one, every 30. There's another one. Oh my God. Moome is 120 minutes long one every 30 There's another one. Oh my god. It's exactly and every time they instead of having action beats they had dead kid beats you're right All right, well, it's gonna be tricky to fill another episode with a movie where nothing happens So while we figure out what the hell we're gonna talk about we're gonna take a quick break and when we return We'll break down all the underlit sneaking that is Paul, a puzzle of Christ. Hey folks, Eli Bosnick here, you know, a couple of weeks ago, we didn't add for our new sponsor for hymns.com. And many of you reached out to ask, what the heck did you just advertise?

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if you'd like to order now, our listeners get a trial month of four hymns for just $5 today right now, while supplies last, see website for full details. This would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or pharmacy. Just go to fourhims.com slash Gam. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash G-A-M for him's dot com slash gam. Dick Pills and Hair Pills. They're fucking awesome. Awesome. Paul, Luke, my boy, so good of you to come all the way to this dingy Roman prison to see me. Yeah, I had to. Paul, this will be my last opportunity to preserve your wisdom for the future. So I brought a quill, ink and parchment with me to write it all down. Wow, how did you get that into the prison? Don't worry about it. Okay. Moving on. So what do you need from me? Just some wisdom.

Gonna write it down. Um, okay. Just any old wisdom. Yep. Any wisdom. Okay. All right. Right here on the spot.

Uh, here we go. You guys. Some, um, a penny saved is worth two in the bush. Wait, fuck that up. Hold on. Hand in the bush is better if she shaves. No, you really want me to write that one down? No, I do. Okay. You got something. You got something. You got it. You got it. Shake it out. All right. Sorry. Been in the dark. So here we go. All right, where there is evil. This is going to be good. Here we go. Where there is evil. Hmm. There should be good. Um, is it? Okay. Yeah. No, I guess all right. That one down.

That's better than the first thing. That didn't seem great. Okay. Uh- Okay, there we go. Oh, where there is hatred. There is un-hatred too sometimes. Most of the time. Most of the time. Most of the time. Mm. You know Jesus, I got caught up on the opposite of the word hatred. Oh, yeah, that's tricky.

Wait, got a good one. Here we go. Drink more oval team. Okay. I'm just gonna shove these writing utensils back up my ass and head out if you know what I'm mind. Yeah, no, you know what? Honestly, I have a lot of dying.

So go, good to see you. Good to see you though, buddy. Yeah, you too, you too. Just, you know, maybe think, think some ahead next time so I don't have to come down. Well, it's like, okay, give me a, that's my best. Great. And we're back for the breakdown.

And we're going to start off with a solid 10 minutes of expository text before we actually start the damn movie. The expository text tells you the story of an interesting movie that happened before this movie. And it's just a little too long, which is really great. It's just a little, right? Because you, everyone's used to that like in the beginning before the more locks and the coilets, but it's just like, it's just three screens too long so that you're like, oh, oh, I was expecting it to end with like anyway. Yeah. So what we're learning is that Nero, this is Rome 67 AD, Nero Burnett, and keep that in mind when we

see the Coliseum later. Nero burned a lot of Christians because they set the city on fire. Actually, he set the city on fire and then blame them. O that Nero also Luke is entering Rome to recover the last of Paul's wisdom. And we learned here that the Romans were burning Christians in the street to like light the street and I didn't think this was real, but apparently it was real. Well no, no, they under N near all they did persecute Christians, they didn't kill Christians, but there's no evidence that they like, I mean, they just had a big fire. Why would you light a bunch of people on fire in your city? Okay. Good. That makes me feel way better because the practicality of that decision, everyone, hit me

out. We hate the Christians. Yeah, we heard the Christians. Okay. So we're going to use them as street lamps from now on. Hold on, we've been using oil. It's going really well. It's like a lot easier. I feel like then thing you're describing. No, no. Well, you burn a bunch of humans.

What you want to make sure is that they're evenly spaced along this street. His team's a boy scout's getting off first training. No, you got to stack them like a tee getting off the straight. No, you got to stack him like a teepee. You got to angle, you got to get four or five and angle him up. So there's an airflow under. And have the fat guy at the bottom. They catch no other like, yes, this fucking guy. I'm an A. The S. Damn. Damn it. Please. And you're so dry. Also, by the way, and they fuck this, you know, historical accuracy is out the window

early and off into this movie. But according to Tassadus, when Nero persecuted the Christians, he would have them covered in like stinky animal hides and then torn apart by dogs. And I'm like, well, why didn't we just, that would have been way better. I would have got my 12 bucks worth if we had done that. But anyway, so as we're seeing all this, we're also seeing Luke sneakily sneak. That's going to be a lot of this movie. So sneakily sneak that like, I was like, Hey, if he pulls out an assassin's creed blade, I am back. Yeah. Right now. And that's Jim Kovizal, right? Yeah. He's the guy who was Jesus in passion. And yeah, he's Luke in this one. At one point in the scene, he walks up to one of the,

it's supposed to be one of the humans that's burning, to light the street, but it's, they had, they used like a fucked-up, dimpt to burn it. And Jim Kovizel recognizes it. You can see in his eyes, like, that was the model that I thought about. Model 407A, huh?

Interesting. So yeah, so then we get the title screen. You know, and it's just, and we have them sneaking around Roman. It's just so like the message is clearly all Rome always trading slaves and burning Christians. So good. Get your idols here. Idols. Bad region. The buttery. I'm a bad guy. Come in your neighbor's ass right over here. We've got boots for that. Yeah.

Most apparently a bugger packer. I don't know how many voices. So also I can't see the movie. No, this is throughout the movie. I can't see the movie, especially right now. Like, are they going to try to like the whole thing with corpses? Are they going to myself? Like that's not a good idea? Yeah, exactly.

Now, look, not a lot happens in this movie. So one of the things that I've decided to do on this particular podcast is let you know what happened in me and Noah's movie. While nothing might have happened in this movie, our theater was an adventure and a half. The guy in front of me Really? For instance at this point Brought a trash bag full of leaves Going through it to find his loose penny collection

Or at least that's what I assume based on the amount of noise he began to make There was a woman to my left that was literally opening a package of twizzlers throughout the film. So much so that the guy who always comes to these Christian movies like I know that guy turned to her about 45 minutes in the twizzler debacle and was like you have to stop her all the time. Yes. It was like the whole theater was taking revenge on Eli for all the shit he does during room noise. It was like the whole theater was taking revenge on Eli for all the shit he does during room noise. Excellent. There were like five people in my theater, but I actually had a guy with a bag.

I'm not even making this stuff like a pretty sure homeless guy, but like, or maybe almost homeless collection of bags. Like any definitely he decided to reorganize to like, autobiograph, or an alphabetical or whatever during the movie. Yeah. Amazing. All right. So yes.

So the Luke Commando rage shit goes on forever in this fucking movie as he sneaks through Rome. And eventually he makes his way to the secret Christian hideout where we're going to meet Aqualo and Priscilla, who apparently run the Christian hideout. Right. And their Christian hideout is based on, hey, are you a Christian? Yes. Sure. Come on in.

Yep. Exactly. They're showing them around. They're like, yeah, so this is, you know, all the people we just, we just let them in. He's like, you let anybody in who just like says they like Jesus. You know, like half of these people are spies, right? Like we're all going to get killed. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Well, we trust in God. So. Yeah. So anyway Well, we trust in God. So yeah. So anyway, so Luke goes goes in there. He meets up with Aqualo and Priscilla. These characters are going to be completely fucking useless, but we're going to spend a lot of time with them. So I might as well mention them. Oh, God. They will have the same conversation over and over and over again with no consequence. Yep.

Yeah. Well, there's a consequence. We'll get there at the end. So yeah, no, but that's the central conflict of this film. Right? Like is we don't know whether to stay in Roman be killed or leave and not be killed. That's a conversation they have what? Like eight times just like at like him being like, yes, so

the entire city's on fire and they're trying to genocide all of us like as a group. Should we leave? And his wife's like, no, yes. That's the conversation we get the whole time. Yep. That again, central conflict in the film. It's like a trip to IKEA with my wife, but slightly better, right? It was slightly better. Are you sure you don't want that? We've already discussed that I

don't want that we've established. I don't want that. Hi, I'm so many fun. Like you didn't mock the rare. You guys know that there's an a he was like, you all speak English here. So it's crazy. You wouldn't just call it the brown table. I'll find my way back into your maze. There's a minotaur in there. So yeah, so Luke, doctors a few folks up and then we go to Paul's prison to check in on him. Now I have to say the entire soundtrack of this film is cellos warming up and haunted house screams. Yes. This was the second time I wrote haunted house scream in my notes when we went to this prison.

There is a lot of just in the background of this movie. Yep. And they're just walking in those like weird dark tunnel hallways that they have in all these things. I want to see those hallway torches go out in movies like this. They never go out, right? And then just like the guy who has to relight them like in this movie would be he'd be just dragging around a giant corpse chopped off little pieces.

So yeah, okay, so they they grab Paul and they drag him out into the sunlight and we, you know, we have the whole always been in the darkness for so long. This is also we're gonna, we're gonna meet the Roman prefect. Yes. All right, this character, first of all, his name is Mauritius. I found that on IMDB by going through the alphabetical list of actors one by one until I recognize this guy. That's how hard it was to track down the characters. God damn name. Yeah, he looks

and sounds like Antonio Benderes fucked up Mario Goomba. Well, for some scenes, it evolves. Yeah. It evolves heavily. Right. He's right. We got a Spanish accent in this scene, though. And yeah, hello, Paul, that's Tarsus. You killed my father. Yeah, I had him down as even meltier Eric Roberts, most of the way through my notes. Um, but yeah, so he drags Paul out and he's like, yeah, your sentence to die for burning down Rome. And of course, Paul's innocent, but Mauritius knows that. And he's like, yeah, but I'm not going to, you know, we're not going to punish the Emperor. So, yeah, but I'm not going to, you know, we're not going to punish that emperor. So, you know, right. This is also where we got the ticking

clock of this movie, which is we're going to be hedged you eventually. We have when we get around to it, the broken clock that'll be right eventually. Yeah. Sure. Anyway, now we're done with Paul, at least for a moment, we have to go back to the Christian hide-out where their hook and loop up with some forged Roman documents so he can get around town. Yes. And it's basically like, hey, you know how everybody here in ancient Rome can read? So here's the four documents. Don't let them look too close.

It's like psychic paper. You got to just, just, just, right. Right. And so this guy's going to sneak Luke into the jail where Paul is, right? That's what's happening now. Yeah. And they do this stupid signal for some reason. One of the guys, he's like, okay, so Luke, see, see that guy just put out a torch right there. That's the signal. So you're ready to go. And he's like, okay, well, you know, why doesn't you just say go? He's right there. He could tell me go. I don't understand. Motion me towards him.

It could be a proper thing. Yeah, but thanks to this clever signal and everything, they managed to get Luke into the prison. So he goes to see Paul. This will be seen one of 53 where Luke goes to see Paul in prison. So they have the whole like, Paul looks super happy for the conjugal. But anyway, his cell is enormous. Yeah. For his supposed to be a political prisoner. He's, it's like 10 times bigger than Eli's apartment, like literally that big.

Like, I thought a yoga class was going to walk in and be like, oh, we're barring part of the space. We've got this three to four. We have it in three. Three, three. Namaste. I also love this like stab at New Testament humor, where he's like, how did you get here?

He's like, oh, everyone, all the churches gave money. Even the Corinthians, those stingy Corinthians, get it? Like a get it. Cut here. This is like even the Corinthians, if you know what I mean, oh, yeah, it pisses me off. What's amazing? What's amazing? The only people in the fucking audience that got the joke were the atheists, right?

They're like, oh, right, like these motherfuckers read the epistles. No. No one else in our theater. Well, I mean, to be fair, the woman next to me had a ream of wrapping paper that she was tearing slowly, like the Jeannie Promoters, she always would, but she didn't get the joke. No, no, yeah, no, it's not that the audience didn't have any reaction. They made even more noise, right? And also I love when he first arrives, Paul is like, oh, and me here without any snacks to put out. I've got these open wounds.

I'm just a mess. I'm so sorry. I should have gotten someone in to clean my poop bucket. How are you? And this is where we learn the crux of this movie. And this is really it. The crux of the movie is, hey, man, I'm here. I'm hoping you'll say some wise things.

And then I'll be able to bring them back to our little Christian camp. And he's like, really? And he's like, yep, just hit me with the wisdom. Yeah. Yeah. We really need your advice about how we're all gonna get executed. Yeah, right.

Yeah. And Paul's like, well, Jesus would say, you know, lean into it. And it looks like, okay, well, isn't that what you did? And now you're in jail right now here where I'm talking to you right now about to get executed. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. And there's also this whole like, you know, they want his wisdom. And he's got this like, you know, but I, I don't know if I could ever wisdom again. I swear that I'd given that life up. You know, I didn't need a general to land in a helicopter. Paul, we need your wisdom. I gave up that life chops the wood. All right. So with no wisdom in hand, Luke goes back to the Christian hideout for a debriefing through

the secret exit in the jail. Yeah. Pro tip. Don't build the critics or entrances in jails. No secret things to get in around a jails. Yeah. So smart. It's so valuable.

What do you like a cigarette break spot like right out? So I'm gonna have to walk all the way around to the front each time. Stupid. So so he gets back to the hideout and they're like, well, did he have any wisdom? And they're like, and looks like well, nothing useful. He's a Christian. He just said, ask God. And then, right, he's, he's, he's,

advice here seems to be you got to follow your your own personal Jesus, PS or GPS, right? So like no specific instructions from Paul is what you're saying. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,. So and then at this point, we have a woman come in Octavia, her husband and kid were just killed.

Because again, this is the first time we get it, right? This is the first time they're like, and murdered, baby. Right. They've run out of stuff and now look, she's the thing. They're really going for sad here, but the amount of blood that this woman is, she's drenched in, and not help but be comical. Unless there is an edited scene of this movie where the Romans put a stick of dynamite in the baby's mouth and they were like, oh, God, hold this for a second.

She is covered in blood. And baby had so much blood. I think she gave birth to just like a pillowcase full of blood. Yep. So she explains that her baby was just murdered by the Romans. That's why I have blood all over my face. And then there's this amazing awkward pan out to everybody else in the hideout. And they're like, oh, so we're all going to get murdered like that or babies too. Yeah. Great. Remember when I said we should leave earlier? like that are babies. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Remember when I said we should leave earlier? Baby just got murdered. Can we leave now? Why? No, still. Nope. Nope. No, I'm looking at the bookshelves. Why? We have. Okay. I just want to look. I don't understand. Okay. Just for the sake

of argument moving forward, what would need to happen? Yeah. For us to leave. This baby murder you're in front of the line. When are you behind the line? Also, it was at this point because like also in addition to being super noisy, the people in our theater were, you know, freely texting it one and whatnot. And it was at this point that I made this bet with the universe. I said, Eli is the only person in the theater that doesn't have a cat as the wallpaper on their phone. I'll put anything on that. Yeah, good bet. Good solid bet. All right. So now Luke goes back to the prison to tell Paul about that last scene where he went back to the fish and hide out to tell them about the scene before that. It's so good. He's just like there was so much blood. I mean, I'm not trying to put this on your plate

or anything, man, but I was. I was everywhere. Everywhere. I think it's still under my nails. Like I cleaned my ears and it was in my, like you do not think where all of it gets, but I just, whoo, everything's in the shower and it's, ah, ah, ah. of it gets. But I chaps. Woo. Everything is shower and it's

ha. Oh, wisdom. Anything specific wisdom. Blood is blood. Dude, you're the right.

Well, yeah, right. And Luke is just going like, Paul's like, I can't wisdom enough for them now. And looks like, but nobody can Christian as hard as you can, Paul Paul and he's like, but I can't epistle anymore. And then we actually get sort of the turn of this movie as close as it's going to get where he's like, but there must be a book of the acts of the apostles. Otherwise, the God was just bought up against the epistles. And that would look like shit. I mean, that would really emphasize how much better the chewy part of the book is and it's already going to be way longer. Oh, I love this moment where he has to dance around the none of us met Jesus story. He's

like, you know that you witnessed the words of Jesus and he's like, well, no, no, I did not. Well, I just had a dream about you. You remember when I told you, no, no, I did not. Well, I took a dream about you. You remember when I told you, oh, man, you told me a great story about him. Is that it? Is that our religion? That's not our religion. It was there. There's a guy who was nope.

So, so much like hand waving, these are not the droids, these are the, it's such nonsense. Like, so people are going to have doubts about Jesus, but you never lie. That is established. So, you're thinking, you write your story like a giant boring letter? Well, or just like a regular, just like, I'm going to do the boring letter. I'm going to do the boring letter. Okay. Well, and speaking of sneaking around shit, I love this line too, where Paul's trying to decide if he can epistle again and looks like, but Paul, when I heard you preach,

I immediately left my family to starve and never even looked back. That's how much of the good guy you are. Hold on. Can we, can we linger there? No, we cannot linger there. I think we're going to go on to this next scene here. Do you want to start a ranch in Oregon? All right. So, but on Luke's way out, apparently the prison guards have thought themselves, yeah, maybe not have the secret exit anymore. So Mauritius, the the prefect, dude, catches him and gives him a stern talking to well, he gives him a stern talking to in a mean impersonation of Richard Dawkins post 2016. Right. He's just like, I love you. I love you. You're just like, not cool, man. Great. Okay. You're doing Dom Delewis now. If he had started crooning, I would have just been like, yep.

Yeah. So, but what, what the gist of this, if once you translate it into non pigeon English, is that Luke knows important people. So that's why they're not going to do anything about him sneaking in and out of their prison, which people doesn't matter. This will never come back. Yeah. All I heard was you're an excellent Greek doctor. Yeah.

Is that like a euphemism? That's about that sex. He gave me the Greek doctor, right? I think no, especially you. Amazing. Plumber from Cleveland, if you know what I mean. Okay. All right.

So he's he's heading back out to the Christian hideout. And now we have like a feign suspense thing. Earlier, they gave him, remember when they gave him the passport that you have to have to walk around Rome. So when they gave him that, they're like, now make sure nobody looks at this more than three and a half seconds or there'll be suspense. And now they're going to look at it for 3.49 seconds. Yeah. So apparently there's just you have to carry around paperwork and hand it to whatever Roman it's like Arizona, but less concentration camp.

Yeah. Much room here. Pris and a little more progressive than Arizona, but it's very similar. Right. But as the last minute, luckily a couple starts fighting and the guards get distracted right at that 3.49 second mark. Yeah. Right. Phew. That was almost interesting. Also, they burn another Christian here because it's been a minute. Yeah. And this is a weird moment. He like Luke walks up on this about to happen. And he locks eyes with the guy

who's like tied to a stake and about to get burned. The guy's like, dude, just let me get burnt to death. Get out of here. He like, he like old Yellers Luke. He's like, yeah, just let me get burned. I know what I need you. I know what it reminded me when we all go to an atheist conference and we do that. Is that a crazy person talking to you conversation? He's like, no, this one's normal.

And you're like, oh, yeah, right. Okay. Well, you were patting your head. That's the thing. Yeah. That's the thing. Now we have to change that wall. Dude, now it's to change both. Oh, meanwhile, remember Aquila and Priscilla? No, they were the couple at the Christian hideout. Anyway, they're still in this movie. They're going to, they're going to have another scene where they talk about whether they should stay in Rome or not. I mean, look,

when we decided whether or not we were going to renew our lease on this house, it mattered a lot to us. That doesn't make it cinematic. Oh, well, now we know what our movie is going to be. It's just a fucking that Jimmy Duranty song, but played out. Yeah. And the Aquil is like, well, you know, Paul said to pray, but I can't find any wisdom in prayer. Also Burger King doesn't have batteries. I mean, obviously you can't find fucking wisdom in asking yourself, shit. So much useless advice. We also get the thing with the animals. Oh, that Jesus, the yeah, she's like, oh the animals. Oh, that Jesus tub, yeah. She's like, oh, so what was it that Jesus said to do

didn't Paul say that Jesus said something about it? And he's like, yeah, we're supposed to act like three different contradictory and we're supposed to be like a deep, serpent hamster. I really don't know what the fuck it means. I was very afraid of this. I was supposed to be right back to my NYU acting training. Oh my gosh.

I can't be a sheep serpent hamster. I was never using it. I was very afraid of this. I was never using it. I was never using it. I was never using it. I was never using it. I was never using it. I was never using it. I was never using it. I was never using it. I was never using it.

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And again, again, a recurring theme of this is Luke coming in and going, oh, I saw a guy get burnt to death today. like, oh, I saw a guy get burnt to death today. Yeah. Hey, keep harping on this, but yeah, I was like 10 feet away. So leaving still no. No, I like Rome. I like the city. You know what I mean? I like my, I don't want to be going to, we go out for a suburb.

There's, there's, you know, stuff close. I like stuff. It's like everyone who ever thought about leaving New York. Yeah, but I like the smell of charred flesh. It grows on you. And it's, you know, the subway, you're gonna miss it. You're in because we could take our current rent and we could buy a house with it. No, but, no, our friends, we could make new friends. I could kill all of our friends right now and we could time and we could even buy a new house with with it every month pretty much. Yeah. So, okay. So later on all the Christians have gotten together to decide whether they should stay in Rome or leave.

And there's this amazing scene. They're all like rabbling, rabbling about this. Yeah. And at one point, Luke goes, well, Paul says you got to think for yourself. And one guy basically goes, what the fuck? I became a Christian. So I didn't have to think for myself. Again, yeah, we're, we really, we really need to leave. What did Paul say? Seriously, you went back a fourth time, no advice. Well, he drew a dick on the floor. And then he duped my nose. Okay, we're going to stop asking Paul. He is completely useless to us at this point. He's out of the movie. All right. And by the way, little point, but at this point, Aquila says, be under

no illusions at this point. And they are, they are trust in acting skills as well. But then we have to, because we have to set up at least some semblance of an excuse as to why not leaving Rome is even on the multiple choice. And the woman presider, she says, well, if we leave Rome, then no one will be here to feed the poor, because no one ever thought of that before the Christians, they invented feeding the poor. Yep. It's like prime the pump. They came up with that shit. Right. And again, their plan is to sneak out of the aqueducts and go to a a face switch. Hey, fun fact.

You're going to be real dicks when you get there. This is a prequel to like them being there. I'm like, so we're in charge here, huh? This is everyone that's not us. Let's go with everyone. Well, that was kind of the thing that they sort of missed out on in the hole, like in the opening scenes where they're like, boy, Rome sure was a shit hole. Pre Christianity is like, it's not like it got better after. Right? It's

not like there was this golden heyday of Rome that happened right after they converted to Christianity, the fucking empire fell. Jesus. Oh, yeah, but right. No, and this is important because they got to sneak out the aqueducts. And for reasons I wasn't able to entirely understand, they have to send someone on a deadly mission beforehand. So stupid. All right.

Somebody's got to go to McGuffin fucking hell When we haven't killed a kid in a while This is where we get Gavrush which is all I call it was real names like Tarkwin or something But he's just like I'll get killed oh Promise see this picture of my wife and family at home Oh, I won't get killed or promise. See this picture of my wife and family at home. Just broke your mirror and walked under four letters. I'm gonna live forever.

You would say that if I were to die, I would be the breaking point for you. Is that what you'd say? Yeah, but I won't. I won't. I'm a lovely, rumpty, top,ty, top. Just volunteering to leave. And they're all like, yeah, okay. Yeah, right. I'll go. I look like an orphan. And they're like, well, we all look like orphans. What if I talk like a Slavic newsy? Well, still

not crazy. Yeah, you do. Oh, none of us want to go on your child. Yeah, he'll work. Meanwhile, he's trying to leave his thrown his voice. No, I'll go. Who said? Did an adult just volunteer? Did an adult just mean that crazy? It's just like that only if only one of us steps up and says, I am Spartacus, it doesn't work.

No, Spartacus. You are definitely Spartacus, man. That is correct. We all agree that you are Thomas crowned Spartacus. So, all right. So meanwhile, Lucas back talking with Paul in his prison for the third fucking time. And this is where we start to hint at Paul's backstory. He's like, I wasn't always an asshole. I'm like, yeah, I tell myself that all the time, Paul, what blame in the world and just embrace it.

Be a good asshole. Anyway, and this story might be interesting. If we got a full flashback of him, like hunting down Christians and being a bad guy, but we never even get a full flashback of this story. No, that's what the fucking movie should be, right? It should be the fucking turn of this movie should be the road to Damascus, but no, this is all after that. And the entire message that they're trying to get at with Paul, they miss entirely by

doing this. It's like Paul telling his story and he's like, yeah, I tried to genocide all the Christians, then realized they have like a super lenient system for genocidal maniacs. I'm going to have it anyway. Okay. Okay. Doesn't that mean you're a bad example? No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm the most convenient Christian ever. Have you, have you guys heard of Ryan Bell? No. Sorry, I'm fucking this up for least trouble. This is sorry. Sorry. Sorry. And again, in this thing is like we see his, his flashbacks. And I really wanted a slow motion montage of him just kung fu fighting

Christians, just, you know, the bag of rice scene from it man. That would have been awesome. This movie could want me back is all I'm saying. Yeah. And by the way, this movie also, this is where this, the movie gets his anti-Semitic, because it's going to let itself get right. Like because they kind of hinted at the, it's the Jews fault bit, but they don't really, mostly they blame the Romans, but in this scene, they're like, yeah, but no, but the Jews wanted me to kill all the Christians.

We were using Corinthians earlier. Are we saying Jews now? Okay. And also because he says, like, you know, so I framed Stephen the Christian and he was so damn sure of himself. Even when he was dying, that I said about killing all other Christians. And then we get, I shit, you not a montage of Christian killing. Now, I would love to have done this montage myself, you know, like at first he's missing

and then he's getting closer and closer and you get like ever more creative spy versus spy traps for Christians. I can be fun. I was like, the melon head crush thing was fucking hilarious. That was unintentionally amazing. But yeah, and again, like you said, it's like, yeah, Paul even beat children to death like this one. Yeah. Also, after this montage, he wakes up. He falls. He wasn't how bowing is this movie? The characters in it fall. During the stories they're telling. It's like I couldn't tell if the movie is just

like had given up was paying less attention than me. I was like, no, he was telling the story. It wasn't dreaming about it guys are what's anyway. All right. My heart stopped, by the way, because anyone's wondering what a character within the movie was when my Wahoo tracker was like, Hey, man, you got to give us back to the doctor just so you know you can't, you can't keep it. You don't get to keep it. So, so okay, they got to take it off. We've sent someone around.

We sent someone because, you know, it's going to be heavy traffic. So okay, now we go, we cut to Mauritius, he's chatting with his subordinate at the prison. And they're going like, you know, I think starting to think maybe letting this dude sneak in and out of the prison whenever he wants, carrying whatever he cares to might not be a great policy. Also, by the way, he switched to, I think, French Canadian. Yeah. A weird switch. I don't know if that even existed yet.

Anyway. And also, there's scaffolding and stuff everywhere in this prison, like they're building a death star in this first time in a jail. What was that? Seemed out of place. Well, it was a growing town. It was a growing town. And also, we go to Mauritius's home where we

learn that his daughter is sick. This is important to the movie. Very important. His daughter is sick. If only she had the right God. Oh, spoiler, spoiler shit. All right. So then we cut back to Paul dreaming about being in a more interesting movie. And we learned that like in his dream, because he wakes up and looks like, oh, you were screaming in your dream. I mean, it's weird that I didn't wake you and just let you lie there screaming, but you were screaming. And he said, yeah. Here's the thing.

The devil keeps sending me visions of all these children I killed. And I, in my heart, I know that it's fine, but I feel like they're going to be mad. You know, you talk to someone and like you razz them a little too much at dinner and then you get home and you're like, Oh, was that too far? That's all I feel about all the people I killed. That's all I feel about. I'm going to go over in my head.

And looks like, yeah, okay. I mean, I get the nightmares you're having, but do you think that's the devil or maybe you just killed kids? Isn't you? Okay, well, don't be a dick. I mean, I love that Paul of Tarsus has the same origin story as Darth Vader. That's good to know. That's their religion.

Also, again, because nothing happens in this movie at this point in the theater, a man with 150 cams stood up in the front row and blew them all in the air and then attempted to trouble them for as long as he could. This guy, I should, you know, this guy had a Walker and a cane. Like he had those two things like he was, like, like, the Walker was the mother ship, but for small excursions, you would just take the game. He was playing Django with all of his possessions. He's working on his Mr. Bean Act, where he's like trying to stack it and it falls and then he falls.

All right. So remember that sick daughter story line that everybody was so concerned about? Well, good news. We get back to that. Now, again, this is Mauritius. This is the guy that runs the prison like the warden for Paul. And his wife remembers the good old days before all the Jesus and the fires and the daughter sickness. And they're having that classic couple fight who the gods are madder at. Yeah.

He's exciting. He's like, are you appeasing all the gods? He's like, yes, all of them. She's like, all right, well, you're killing your daughter, Larry. This is you. You're an angry, angry marching out of the house with the trash bag behind him. Right behind him, the front of the gods. Here.

Just say which God you want me to appease. You should know why I'm that. You don't know which God I want to appease. I'm not say which God you want me to appease? You should know why I'm that. You don't know which God I want to appease. I'm not going to tell you. I'm telling you. Yeah, religious argument plus couple fight. That's box office gold. So, okay.

So Mauritius goes to the bar to hey, I was buddy, because he can't be like that bitch, wife is anymore. And in the buddy character only exists. So he has someone to talk to in this scene and the other one with him, right? Like this guy, this, first of all, this is Roman water cooler talk, which is phenomenal. They've taken this actor and they've put the craziest wig I've ever seen on his head. It's like a little boy wig. And he's just, it's just crazy.

It's a skew. You can see his real hair under it. Yeah. It's like George Washington was drunk. Yeah. He's super fun character, though. I kind of, I like the guy like he's like, he'd missed Yoda kind of. He just like says nice things and he's happy all the time. And he's like, yeah, just, I don't know, your daughter's dying. Ask another god for help, which ones to jest. There's like a billion of them. That's why polythisms awesome. Or don't, you know

what? Do you like your shitty kid. But what I heard she does have a drink. I have a peeking ease on my head. And so at this point to Mauritius is like a friend character. What do you know about Christians? And he goes, I don't know. I hang out in a whole house. Is it do sinful things? There's no Christians there.

So you know, uh, he can't help them there. But he does think that maybe Mauritius should take that rough draft of acts that Luke has been working on and turn it into neuro just in case he's writing a confession to a crime that they know he didn't commit. What? He might as well end the scene with that's kind of a plot, right? I got framing of the guy. I'm going to go take this sham well off my head. I'm going to go take this sham well off my head. I'm going to go to the dormit.

All right, but okay, meanwhile, back at Christian hideout, what do you know? Orphan kid didn't make it. We were really pollen for him. I wanted so bad for Finne is to stand up and be like, red, the and by the way, everyone in this scene is doing their best Oscar cry, right? Everybody they got with their acting coach before this day. Everyone was doing emotional prep this day. It was a big thing. Oh, and this was bad crying. Yeah, they got with coaches, but these were terrible coaches and terrible actors like they might as well do pigeon noises to cry. And I don't really know what conversation was had after this because the woman next to me began unwrapping and ornate vase cover and dropping what I assume was beans into it.

Yes. Yeah. Exactly. That's what I had as my notes as well. Doing an ASMR video. You don't know. So, yeah, and I love to do one of the characters is like looks at the dead kid and goes, well, this is what trusting God gets you.

I'm like, yeah, that's correct. I'm so remarkable amount of honesty you guys are going to have. That is always true. This is what trusting God gets you universal true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No one when I when that happened in the movie, I started cheering wildly, but the audience

did not think that was appropriate. Yeah. Well appropriate also what not trusting God gets you yeah, all right No, this is pretty much the same turned away from their xylophone to look angrily at Noah All right, so now you know what this movie could use as a scene where Luke visits Paul in prison to tell about the previous scene and again He does the oh they killed the kid. They killed the girl. I really, oh, guess who died today. It is not anything, man. Any wisdom, like karate lessons.

I have had a week. And Paul is still just like, okay, okay, wait, I got one. I came up with one way you were gone. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. Oh my God. So bad. We need the loviest love that have been love. Loving, love.

Jesus is going to come in and start doing the get up you son of a bitch speech. Yeah, and this is where Luke is like, all right, well, we were thinking about If Jesus is going to come in and start doing the get up, you son of a bitch speech. Yeah. And this is where Luke is like, all right, well, we were thinking about maybe fighting back. Yeah. And Paul's like, well, no, no, Jesus would never, never do that. He's like, okay, what if there's a love interest?

Stop trying to make a plan happen. Luke, okay, what if something happens here in the show? Nothing happened. The whole thing's like George getting mad about the show about nothing's happened. They just didn't realize it was a

joke. Yeah, exactly. Hell, at a certain point Mauritius even reads the book of Acts. He reads on the show. He does read on the show. He does. Yeah.

Oh my God. It also they cut back when it because when he starts talking about should we fight back, they cut back to him at the Christian hideout where all the rabble rouses are rousing rabble about fighting back against Rome. And he has to like out Christian everybody and they're all at maximum rabble, but the instant that Jim Cavizial starts talking, everybody's just up at the exact same nanosecond. It's like, no, that's, that's how you do and then the time that I was going to be a little bit more of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of

a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit 12 years ago, this is 67 AD or as I said in my previous letter. Just like sticks walking out with the four guys that are still alive playing lady. Yeah. Mother fuckers are here for I miss my friends. Do comes. Every time every time. Every time. That's a more. I'm going to do our B sides. We got a 19 year old

drummer back there. We hired from the guitar center where we rented our shit for the stock in Binghamton, New York. Also, also, is it just me or is there an incredible amount of sexual tension between Paul and Luke in this scene? enormous.

Like I, one of them was going to go in for the kiss and he's like, I feel like they kept having to stop the scene because they're like, okay, but if I don't kiss him, what the fuck is this movie about? I'm trying to kiss Jim Goodiesel. He got hit by lightning. That's real jumping. Oh, so this is a great little moment at the end of the scene. Paul's given another like rant and he's like, okay, this is, this is important. Big monologue here, write this all down and the bad over the Luke and he writes like maybe half a sentence.

He's like three or four characters and want to probably be like, okay, you're not writing much down. I feel like. Okay, read that back. What did I just say? Read back my last paragraph. I have to, I do it. I can't start. I love in here.

Love is like a roller coaster. No, no. I feel like a DJ. I feel like this whole thing was actually more like, you know, like when Bella LaGosie was dying, Ed would follow them around and pretend that he was making a movie with Bella LaGosie so he'd be happy. I feel like that's what's really going on with Luke. He's just like, no, that was super wise, Paul.

I'm right. And then you look over there. He's just drawn dicks. Yeah. Did Ed would really do that? Yeah. Yeah. It's like everyone who regularly calls their grandma just like,

Hey, what's going on with you? You still live in that same 22 square feet? Oh, I am so interested in you. Tell everybody I called, make sure you tell everybody. Maybe you write it. Otherwise, there's no point at all. And literally, because you're going to die, it's not like, you're gonna shoot out the

same amount of experience that I called you, you know what I'm saying? Oh, man, I have the opposite experience with my grandma. She calls me and she's like, oh, how's that loft that you're always in? I was just swimming in my Olympics-sized swimming pool and my amazing fucking place right on the Hudson refuse of the river. And I was going to, I went to the march on Washington. I did the late, you know, the women's march and I'm doing a whole lot of stuff. What do you do? Your grandma's awesome. I'd cast so okay, movies. I may find out. Six of them grand, grand. So how do you feel? Bad.

All right. So now we have to talk about how good Paul was at Christian, killing Christians some more because he ate at their stupid faces, but then just then a funny thing happened on his way to Damascus. Okay, here's the thing. You really didn't want to play this as a seizure and switching religious. You really want it to be like, and then he's like, well, you don't want it to be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Everybody turned Paul on his side. But yeah, but that's exactly how they fucking play it. They play it in the movie. I still the movie is going. But yeah, but like really he probably just yet he probably just ate a weird leaf or

something. It really plays like that. So then he wakes up in his Christ blind, right? He's Jesus blind after the Damascus vision. And we meet this movie movies only real Jew. Like I love to that. Like you can tell who the main characters are in these biblical movies by which ones are white. Right? Like is there have like ethnic people for all of the positions, except the main character is Jim Kovizal. Yeah. So Ben Kingsley. And it's a god damn this can't

be Ben. Absolutely not. No, look like Ben's. Kingsley. Well, yeah, sorry, that was about to be a they all look alike joke and I had to like I had a back it up real quick. Jews all look different. Yes. Thank you. And part of that back in at the end of my sentence.

All right. So, yeah, so, but Saul because he's not Paul yet. He's still Saul turns to turns to this super nice Christian guy that's helping him out now that he's Jesus blind. And he's like, yeah, you know, I feel really bummed about all that in fantasizing. No, don't worry about it, man. Yeah, he's like, would you say you're a good person? This is the first time this ever works.

And we're just going to, yeah, we're going to stay with this from now on. No, it's cool. We're all sinners. And he's like, well, I persecuted a ton of people and guys like, okay, well, have I got a deal for you? Have you heard of Christianity? It's the best. It's like declaring bankruptcy, but you go to heaven instead of cornice. He writes the fucking greatest. But doesn't this just wrap it up perfectly? The whole Goddamn religion, Paul turns the dude and goes, I killed a lot of babies. I'm a wretched man and the guy goes, yep.

Yep. Sure. We all are though. Like, I mean, this guy lost it after his neighbor's wife. That's like killing a lot of babies, isn't it? And Greg, he just loves, loves his food. I didn't think you were going to go to killing babies, so it feels weird now. I had had better examples if I knew that you were in fans.

It'll only be like six Christians and one of them Hitler, right? Everyone else just lived according to a secular code of ethics. I'm going to get crazy. I'm going to getting crazy. Would you like to get dumped in a Also, by the way, why did they not find an actor that vaguely resembled the dude who played old Paul to play young Paul? That would have been a good choice. Other question about young Paul.

Why did he decide not to react at all to regaining his sight? Yes. Like doing a magic trick. He's just like, oh, he's different. Yeah. Okay. That took me a couple of years. You probably, so you had to try and your Fine. Thanks so much. Carousel Maria. It's cool. No, no, you didn't like it. It's fine. So, and then also we, at this point, we cut back to Luke kind of asking about Paul's

whole situation. And he's like, well, didn't you then spend three years training to be a Christian? And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, come on, montage, but no. Oh, training montage, loving montage, praying montage. His hands are crosswise. He's doing the timeout symbol and the guy comes always like shakes his head, puts them in the way. We could have made such a better movie. It was all in the montages. You just give me a chance to do three montages in this movie and it's fixed. Oh, and then they all buy desert robes

and any any models them for him. Right. No. No. No. That's the one. Randy from say yes, the dress jumps out. I never thought Paul was going to find a back dress. Okay. But just then, right? Cause Luke is still talking to Paul here. The prison guard shows up to end this boring fucking scene. So they drag him up to to Mauritius, the the warden who will now question them about whether or not they're writing any confessions or anything in that book of theirs. Yeah. And he is just winning bets at this point with absurd new accents.

Now he's like a sassy black French guy. And then later in this scene, he's like Jamaican Chris walking. And like it's so stupid. And he's like, you sure you're not going to revolt? He's like, no, no, we're Christians. We are a sheep of God or something He's like even sheep will revolt if you whip them and I wanted one of them to be like no She's never revolt

How to keep rebel to you was there a sheep uprising in your life? Hardcore chicken run be hardcore chicken run. Right. And I love how disappointed the prefect gets to. He's like, okay, so are you guys plotting an escape or like an uprising? Because I've been letting you go in and out this whole time and they're like, no, seriously, we're, we're writing a letter. He's like, wow, idiots.

Okay. I don't understand. What is wrong with you guys? He looks away for a second. They're just like spread our cheeks. Okay, persecute us. Do it. Yeah, I bet you can't persecute me.

Yeah. They try to like rare rabbit themselves into persecution and getting it wrong. Yeah. And it's not working. Actually, and that's like the most historically accurate thing about this movie is that apparently there were a lot of Christians that were trying to find somebody who would murder them. And then of course, if this is the part where he has to go,

okay, but wait, let me do the accent. I bet you do also make me a Christian. And I nailed it. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I was trying to shift this, I went, but I actually only do one accent, so I can't. But anyway, yeah, so, but he takes the book book and he's like, I'll read this book of acts and decide for myself. Well, there's, whether there's anything subversive. Oh, I wonder what will happen now. But also,

this is where he says, but now Luke will also be a prisoner. Like, okay, is that, are there stakes now? I mean, sure. All right. Well, damn it if we haven't heard a break, but first let me give back through the hard sell here. Will Luke decide to go with a first person or third person perspective? Will he, will he started media rest? Will this movie ever acknowledge that Peter is also in the book of acts or they're just going to leave all. They will. Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the just die already conclusion of Paul, a puzzle of Christ.

Okay, Romulus, ready to burn this Christian to light our streets? Oh, very much so. Oh, no! Oh no! Wow, humans do not burn easily, do they? Wow, they do not. They do not. Seems like a really inefficient way to light our streets. Now that I think about it, yeah.

Maybe if you guys covered me in more oil, yeah, yeah, it's just like at this point, are we wasting oil? You know, right? Right. Okay, that's a, that's a good point. Mm hmm. Guys, uh, I gotta be honest, I don't think I can hold this wood under my arms while I'm burning like this. I think I'm gonna let it go. Oh, seriously? Arms are tired. Yeah.

No, I'm gonna be on fire. That would be such a waste of wood. Okay. Uh, how would you feel about eating a whole bunch of straw? Bad? Bad. Don't want to do that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, I do. Why if it isn't he done right from the YouTube channel? Book and ramen with Eve. Yeah, I'd love to tell everyone about my channel.

I actually got a big week coming up. We're doing chicken. Wow. You haven't done chicken yet? No, no, I did. So, so you're doing it again? Yeah. Doing chicken again.

I don't understand. Anyway, you can get a sketch with your favorite characters, Yeah, don't check him again. I don't understand. Anyway, you can get a sketch with your favorite characters like us, a song from Anna, or even just a shout out to that special someone for a fraction of the price that you'd pay for other forms of advertising. For rates and more information, just email us at GodofoMovies at gmail.com. That's GodofoMovies at gmail.com.'s GodOfulMoviesAtGmail.com Alright, so wait, why is it a big week then?

Because it's chicken, it's my favorite of the flavors I look, okay, check, I give up big week, good for you Chicken flavor, it sounds great There's not that many Ha ha ha ha ha And we're back for more of this shit and don't worry. They're still plenty of talking in prison to come, but first, we have to check back in with sick daughter who's still dying.

They just can't even hard enough to save her. It's dying of acute un-Christianitis. It's a yeah, maguffinoma. Yeah, right. And again, this is yet another time that the writers of this film said, what if we just do that other scene again, right? Because nothing new happens here. It's just like the daughter is still sick.

Well, pray to a different God. Okay. And it's time for another one of those. Hey, let's just do the same thing. Yeah. The Christians are having a yelling fight. Yes. Yes.

They're rousing some rabble over the fact that Luke has been imprisoned now. And they're like, we got to rescue Luke, but we can't, but we must. And also Cassius, who is the chief rouser of rabble also says at this point that he wants to take over Rome and make it Christian. And I'm like, yeah, that'll show him. Nothing'll bring it down quicker than that. Good call. I also love the bit where somebody's like, no, no weapons.

We're Christians and the second amendment fans in the audience were like, I don't know about this fucking. Well, organized militia feels like, I don't know about this fucking. Well, organized militia feels like, you know, not unreasonable. They seem well organized. I feel like, um, so also remember, Agua and Priscilla, they still don't matter, but they're in another scene now. Guess what they're talking about.

We should leave Rome. I know I keep saying this, but every catch worse every time we have this. All right. Well, hold on there. Let's just see how this genocide plays out. No. Okay. Maybe we should leave from yes, I've been saying this the whole time. No. No. I'm still staying. Well, also, Aquila's got this kind of like, oh my God. Could you get over that little kid inness suicide mission already? It's been seen. I tell you.

So, but there's a scene here where you think something's going to happen where he's going to go and she's going to stay like a like they're breaking up because he's going to college, but no, no, it's just that this like, hey, you know what occurred to me is I could go and you could stay and then everyone would get their way. And she's like, yeah, but then what about the rest of the movie and he's like, good point. Good point. Yeah, no, 30 minutes. So yeah, and also we're going to use some of that 30 minutes to humanize Luke and Paul

a little bit. So 80 third fucking time. We go back to the, yeah, but this time is just so small talk banter. Indeed. Yeah. I love you, man. I don't say enough. When you got going over that, you got pebble. You want, all right, you, who can hit the first, no, the second one, the second rock from the top, you go. Oh, my notes. This is what Heath and I are going to talk about when Mike Pence throws us in jail. I remember reason gone, the van, that was fun.

I was like, oh, we didn't need a big old van. Remember the snoring though Morgan coughing Remember my dick what I say what did you think I said so yeah and by the way the way the humanizer is That they say that Luke had to sing himself to sleep every night Fucking what that was just a weird thing that they came that was the quirk they came up with You remember those scream masturbations Snoring say he's snoring. Yeah, Peter. He's not Peter snoring. Remember to get himself. Peter, he snored. Peter snored. Remember.

They get himself to sleep with the Christian lullaby. Amazing. We need to do Bible themed ASMR. We make a fortune. So okay. Yeah. So I guess this bromance is in a hand. And so we cut to Mauritius reading. And the opening line of this scene is so goddamn perfect. He's, uh, uh, a mercious has written the book of acts. He's like, this is boring and stupid. I don't understand. This is just a weird like preachy, long letter that hints it is like, it's fine. It's fine. It gets you.

What if I told you that it was part of a two-part series and there was a bunch of stories in the first part. Second part was really just about one fucking guy. They break into a redlining montage of him just like a paragraph, slow, but that would be some action. Yeah, no, that was actually the most interesting thing that happened. But apparently they're super disappointed because they expected this to be a book all about how to use Paul's healing magic to cure sick daughters,

but there's nothing useful in it because it's from the Bible. And terrible week, I make this amazing point. He's like, hey, just appeal to his arrogance, like he's a Christian and he's gonna be like, oh, yeah, I guess I am the most Christian. And by the way, that totally fucking works. Yeah, right, right, yeah, I guess I am the most Christian. And by the way, is that totally fucking works? Yeah, right, right, yeah, exactly.

So, okay, so now Mauritius and Paul are gonna have a lovely stroll around the park together. Well, everyone in this movie wants to fuck Paul. I don't know why, but very clearly everyone who interacts with Paul is like, I would totally suck your dick if they turn the cameras a little to the left. It's amazing. It's like Mauritius is Paul's new stepdad. He's just like, so maybe you need, you know, hang out and Paul's like, whatever. And he's like, Oh, come on, man. I don't, I don't want to move things too fast, but I'm a part of your life now, Paul. I love that

getting whipped. I take this $100. Please love me. And yeah, so he does his little buddy buddies talk for a little while and then he's like, he kind of works the right. He's like, so are you sure you don't have any magic healing powers? Okay. Bummer. You're the one great. You look great.

Cool, right? That would be a plot. You just like, whoa, I'd be like, what? It's so cool, but now I also love this light here too. Mauritius is like, well, so I assume you got super rich from doing all this Christian stuff and Paul's like, no, I'm crazy humbine, I never take any money for anything. I get free room and board everywhere I go. And if you don't give it to me or expect me to do some raking or whatever, I'm gonna write a bitchy letter

about it that are survived for eternity in a little book, but I don't directly take any money. I'm an in-kind contribution here and there maybe, but as my lawyer just gave her that money, I had nothing to do with it. Yeah, turns to screen. I never take money, Joel. Joel, I never take money. Joel.

Also, this again, part of the terrible wisdom of this book. He's like, so wait, you do everything your God tells you to and you have no money, you have no home, you're constantly tortured. You sound like a slave and he's like, oh, I'm a slave, all right. A slave that's been set free and Maritriages is just like, so not a slave. Yeah, I'm a slave, free slave. Both actors roll their eyes at this point. It's like, oh my God, we wrote this fuck. Right, so eventually though, he gets around to the point. And he's like, so look, can Jesus fix my daughter or not? And both like, maybe, maybe not,

our God is entirely useless to living people, but maybe Luke can help her. He's a doctor after all. But of course, he's like, oh, Christian doctor, gross, no. No, I piss off the gods. My gods are very bitchy, and if I invite people without telling them,

they get very silent treatment-y, and they kill my daughter, I don't wanna get into it. All right, so now it's time for another great Luke and Paul chatting in prison. See nice shit. You not. I and Paul goes, this is, this is how the scene opens basically. Paul goes, Hey, how come your gospel focuses so much more on the poor than the other ones? And looks like, Oh, that's so least, so we can forgive the inconsistencies by saying that it was just a different emphasis. It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. Place out of a long time frame. People are going to really believe that. And this is the amazing swing and miss. Sin abounds grace abounds

more. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. They set it up like, you know, like they're about to throw down the super crazy what wisdom line. And Paul just goes, yeah, the camera slowly moves up to him from below. And he goes, we're sin abounds. Grace abounds more. What? Even the actors like I feel like I feel like I could do better. That's not what I said. Take it again.

And then he would say, um, I had fire me if I was just right in a fortune cookie. Wouldn't they? Should we burn a child? This is getting really bad. It's dark and oh, well, it last time we can burn it dark and. Oh, well, it's now we can't kill a kid exactly, but we could go back and look one at one B.Sick again for another scene. Maybe in this scene, they can argue about which God has cursed her. Oh, and the evil Roman doctor, he is completely out of ideas.

Yeah. Right. Should movies, no matter when they're set, medical practitioners have no fucking clue what to do. He's like, I don't know. Maybe try punchin' her, just give her like a fool. I'm not a chest. You know, knock something loose.

But his actual advice is, well, have you tried praying even harder than that though? So he does. We get to like, yeah, Jim do that. He's like, all right, time to pray it. Oh man, I'm shitting. I'm so he does. We get to let him do that. He's like, all right, time to pray it. Oh, man, I'm shitting. I'm shitting now. Does that help? God offer you shit, God. Is there a shit God? We have a lot of gods. We need a shit, God. So yes, so the doctor leaves and then his wife bitches at him for the daughter not being healthy yet. It's his fault. This movie's moving so damn slow after all. And their fight takes this weird right turn. She's like, you're,

you have displeased the gods and made us mad and the gods are angry and they're cursing our daughter. Also, I could have fucked so many dudes. What is that about? I could have fucked a team of orphans, a team. So mad. She literally does though, just like in the middle of this hole, you need to be harder on the Christians. That's why the gods of Kirstar daughter of a thing. She's like, and oh, by the way, when you were on campaign, I wanted to fuck some dudes and they wanted to fuck me too. Team of orphans, number five on my whole path.

Team, I've been faking it this whole time, by the way. She never given me an orgasm. And then he actually, he actually starts to like grab her throat and she's like, no, do it. I like it. Maybe I'll finally come. Maybe you'll finally give me an orgasm. You bitch.

Cock. Very, very weird scene. Yeah. Real weird. Very sad. Meanwhile, bag of Christian hideout, they have swords, something might happen. No, don't worry.

Don't worry, guys. Don't worry. This is a rescue scene, the first in cinema, where there is a prison breakout scene where the prisoners like, nah, no, I'm good. I'm sorry.

I do. I get why you would think I wouldn't want to be in prison. Yeah, so all of the cashews and all his guys, they grab swords and then they do the old, you know, the old run up and stab the guard routine classic. They never see that coming when you just run straight at them and scream and stab them with a stab. I'm stabbing you. I'm stabbing you.

So they go in minimal action. By the way, we get, we see them stab one dude. That's it. And then they go to get Paul and Luke and they're like, no, no, go back out and knock. And when you come back, still going to be no, no, not going to idiot. You're going to get executed tomorrow. We're breaking you out. He's like, don't man splain to me. I'm not getting sick. It's like the princess giving Mario a speech right every nox Bowser into a river lava. Like, no, wow. Can we jail it? That's great.

Now we have no tradition of violence. All right. Well, no, I'm not saying violence is good. I just feel like he's coming right after us. It's going to be, we're going to know how you can tell me later about it. So it's preventative violence. Great. It's like, we're really getting ready. I'll be right back. So take down a view in salon magazine right now. I just want you to know that.

So. All right. So then Mauritius shows up at the prison and he is so pissed about all the dead guards and shit. Now, this scene exists primarily so they can wedge the die for a lie argument in. Right. Because he's like, why are you so willing to die? this scene exists primarily so they can wedge the die for a lie argument in. Right. Cause he's like, why are you so willing to die? And he's like, cause it's the truth.

Otherwise, it would make no sense historically for me to die for this. Now, what it was like, but Paul had a dream while he was in a seizure. He can't attest to the truth of anything. Right. And he's also one of my guards just died. Like it's not people die for lies all that my guards. So what if I died right now because I believe in Rome so much? Is that is Rome true?

And he's just right. Don't you're over. Stop it. No, we're moving on. Now we're going to talk about the God shaped hall in Rome's heart, which they literally do. Oh, yeah. Anyway, okay.

So now they're gonna go kill Luke. Paul's very unhappy about the Luke killing. Then we have to get more Paul dream flashbacks about the little kids he killed. But luckily when he wakes up from this one, he prays, which means that the movies at least allowed to end. Someone has prayed now.

Yeah, right? Oh, and by the way, in case you're wondering, Aqualo and Priscilla are still locked in that, do we go or stay? Yeah, I get the feeling that you wanted to go, but still, yeah, that's still going on. Exactly. Same argument. He's like, Hey, so there's literally a team of Roman soldiers outside right now. You can hear them saying, open the door, we're going to torture and kill you. Maybe we leave. No, no, still staying. I can't imagine who enjoyed this movie at this point. It was just like, my ass hurts. Who's asked doesn't hurt? Raise your hand if your ass hurts. We had just gotten everybody to start talking. There would have been so much less noise in this movie theater.

That's the point. There was a joust going on. The guy with the panes and the woman with the wrapping paper were just running at each other. It's slow motion. People walked into the movie at this point and they were like, moving pictures, huh? Right next to Noah. All right. So now we cut to Luke, but this time he's in a different prison with different Christians. So it's a totally different scene. This scene is amazing. Right.

So these people are all waiting to get killed in the Colosseum, and which won't be built for another 20 years, by the way. Right. Exactly. They're the circuses, right? They're like the Colosseum circus, uh, circus, circus,

circus, oh no, I'm pretty sure they think the Colosseum exists based on their last scene. So one of the Christians is like, hey, what actually is gonna happen to us? And he's like, oh, they're gonna feed you to bears and lions instead. If you guys heard the Dan Carlin episode, it's really guys long.

And everyone in the room freaks out and it's fucking hilarious. Cause you expect them all to be like, I die for my lord. But instead they're just like, it's like, and it's like, it's like, guys, have you not seen the street lights? What did the way? What did you think was gonna happen? Are you gonna get probation? Oh, fuck, of course, that's the whole plot of the movie. And also, by the way, the way this scene starts is basically with one character turning to Luke going like, so you're the main character. What's going on now? That's how easily written this fucking thing is, but but's like, don't worry guys, death will be super, super awesome. Let's all pray together. Yeah. And he sees this like, look, it's going to hurt first. It's like a shot. It's going

to hurt first. Second, then we're all going to be in heaven. And there's this amazing moment. If you go and see this movie, or you see this scene, as he's describing it, one of the extras did not get the, we all get calmed down by loose words. Yes. So they're in the back corner still like having a panic attack. So the entire time he's giving this speech, there's just one guy who's like, fuck, fuck. No. No.

I'll kill you. And then you kill him my snap my neck. Shit in my hand. So and also I love this because they have all of them pray, but then they start interspersing them praying with with Mauritius praying, right doing his Roman duck sacrifices and shit. And we're supposed to be looking at only one of those and thinking, well, that's a waste of time. That's not how you magically influence the fate of the universe, that's just silly. Anyway, so okay, meanwhile, the daughter

is even more dying now. Right, so he gets Luke. Yeah, he's finally desperate enough to let a Christian work on his daughter. Right, the thing that happens in this movie is, okay, you can go be a doctor. Yep. And he comes in and he's like, okay, I'm going to need to stab your daughter in the back with a knife and merrises like, yeah, whatever shuts her up, dude.

Yeah, she'd go for it. And then he asks for a pen and paper to write down his like secret magical items that he needs from his map. Right. But I wanted him to like just hold up the paper and be like, I stabbed your daughter, suck it. You can just sign this and say that I stabbed your daughter. I'm going to brag about it.

Yeah, but instead he's like, you know, go to the Christian hideout and get these items that can only be got at the Christian hideout where they keep all the medical supplies. That I haven't been helping anyone with until this moment. Right. Like this Roman dad is accidentally the protagonist, right? Like if one guy is a Christian doctor who's been withholding magical cures for cancer and other guys is like trying again to finally share that with the Roman Empire, the Christian doctor is the bad guy. Yeah. I would feel now bad guy. Still. Yeah. All right. So Mercer

goes to the height out with his Walgreens list and knocks like a fucking cop. And it comes in and it's so awkward because he comes in, he's like, hi, I'm not gonna murder any of you now, not, I mean, later, who knows. But anyway, do you have any Antibiotics? And he's in a panic here. I mean, obviously his daughter's dying. So he's screaming, he's like, I'm looking for Aquila and Priscilla.

Aquila and Priscilla. A Quilla and Priscilla. And it's the bet, because the silly rhyme really undermines angry yelling for anybody. Like that would break like Hitler's momentum during a Nazi speech. You just feel like I said mine comes. I was a Jews controlled a news. I was dumb.

The Jews. Mine comes in a joke. Dr. Zeus. I don't know if you guys don't be. Everyone. It's a pure to test. I don't want to get in. So no more ramming in my speech. All right. All right. But they, um, the Christians decided to help because Jesus, uh, meanwhile, a bunch of Christians are waiting at the gates of the Colosseum to get eaten by lions. Again, opens in 80 C.E. so they had to wait a long fucking time. I wanted it to open up and it's all under construction. It's just like, okay, who's ready for the tour? Oh.

Okay, who had a we're all going to die fuck? Okay, who had a we're all gonna die fuck. Um, they go through all the game now. Or they run out and they like kung fu karate fight all the lions because they have Christian powers now. That'd be awesome. Yeah, right. Pick up the jawbone of an ass and go to town. That would be cool.

All right. But then we got back to Luke fixing the daughter. The daughter's a okay now. Not just a okay. She's jump out of bed and hug mom okay. Yeah, like a hobbit in act three. She's a different actress like Sarah Chalk now. She's like, I don't know where she's like Roseanne second, the daughter daughter. She might as well be a literal swan and just fly away at the point when they were on

her. Well, I love to do this. It's supposed to be the happy ending. And I'm like, hooray, one of the nine children interested in this movie didn't die. Now we're fine with this. Also, it's science is what happened. Like, right. Jesus equals science. That's what happened in this movie. And that's what they're trying to sell, right?

Like, like, oh, the Romans were all pagan and stupid about it. But then the Christians came in there with all their reason and sound medical advice. What? No, no, I mean, the Luke would still be trying to fucking balance her humors or something. Yeah, I wanted Maritus at the end to be like, so do you take insurance? Luke would be like, Oh, shit, this is gonna, I'm gonna feed you to a lion man. This is not worth it. Yeah. Yeah, no, then it would be okay. Those are the times it would be okay.

So yeah, so now it's time for another lovely stroll in the garden, because this movie's not over yet. And more terrible wisdom, right? This is the big conversion moment of the Roman guy. And he's like, so now that all the plots resolved, I mean, I guess if you have anything super wise to say, and he's like, I got it, I got it, okay. You know how when you try to lift up water, that's like life. Because it and then, but when, but heaven is the ocean,

he's, he's a sort of matter away from saying, like, Sans and an hour glass, these are the days of our lives. Okay, don't start the metaphor if you don't have, you don't know how to do it. Let's try to do the water thing. Thought I could roll into it and we'd be like, what did you just come up with that now?

And I'd be like, yeah, I came up with it now, but now it's just, you're the water is the thing though. If your life is like slipping into the ocean, you know, heaven takes the shape. No, now, fuck. I haven't, heaven has tides. The tides, heaven's tides, I ain't creased. Okay. If you get further from the equator. So yeah. And then Mauritius turns to him after that brilliant analogy and he goes, okay, okay. But what if this was a movie? And I wasn't yet convinced that Christianity is the one true religion. What would you say that? And to which Paul says, look inside yourself. And you'll,'s all I've got. Literally, he's just like, whatever, I don't care.

I'm not, I don't care. Yeah, it's my whole thing, but like whatever man, something to you. The Roman guy's like, yeah, I still don't believe in you, Jesus. So, that nothing you said worked. He's like, okay, well, I wasn't trying to convince you. Yeah, right.

The movie literally calls Scrimmage. The movie, the movie Bush me gored itself. It's not about, I'm just asking questions. I was just, I was just, yeah. So, I can't, well, yeah, you might as well step out of the screen and be like, not for you, Heath, not for you. This is a rude, not count. Also, by the way, apparently the douchey back in it, I'll pray for you. Think goes all the way back to the beginning, because that's how Paul closes this off. He's like, well, what if I don't want to be a Christian, he's like, well, then I'll pray for you.

Boom, mother fucker, drop the mic. And then Luke shows up so that we can get, you know, our follow up to the second romance of the film. And he does the screamy light. He's just like, Oh, Luke, you're alive. And he's like, yeah, but you know, it's not all those people I was with last night. That's it. Oh, bad week for Luke.

But, but, and then give rush and the lady and then you are doing a bad job. I don't like to give notes in during a life, but you are And then of course they have to fucking wrap it up so then you know Paul's like I have to fart and looks like that's it That's the ending brilliant guy was the most wisest thing ever great great good and and then they're like and so this is the end of the movie ha, you know like And so this is the end of the movie. Ha, you know, like, we show them distributing the copies of the letter. And the characters might just be like, like, these documents, sure are legit and authentic.

Changes or additions have been made to these, right? I have sure, I'm sure 2,000 years now these will still be word for verbatim. I'm Steve Steve, watch the handwriting. This is the surreal letter. People might think it's a forgery later. Get it right. Also, there's a bit, I love this bit where Paul's like, oh, and by the way, make sure you give Timothy this epistle that all biblical scholars will unanimously agree as a forgery

well before this movie comes out. Jesus. And oh, by the way, they're going to leave Rome now. That whole stay-go conflict was literally resolved off screen. The whole fucking movie was about that. And then they're like, no, yeah, no, we're just going to go now. Movies over. I wanted him to have his, I told you so, I'm going to be like, so you get that everybody else is get, they got killed by lions, right? Like you get all of those people are dead because you were being so bitchy about. What is there gonna be?

You know, I don't like it. I mean, in effision, I change my mind and then you make it seem like you want a debate. Like, can't you just, when a debate, I just want us to know for future, when we are for future, I don't get an opinion. No, that's not what I said. That's like what you're saying. You're so smart. You're so smart. That's what I want. I am smart. I was smarter

than you. I just want to get me in my lines. That's why I can't I be smarter than you. So people have to be smarter sometimes taller than you too. We're not the same height. We're not the same. It's not realistic to think that that would. And then we get 44 closing lines in a row. All right. Like this, this is the very end. They're like, he's saying the last bit of acts or whatever, but every line sounds like it's the wrong line and they play every one of them. Like it's the last line. And you're like, Oh my God, the fucking French revolutionaries were no more ready to see a head get chopped off than I am to see Paul get beheaded in this goddamn moment. And he does and we see him go to heaven because he's been having flashbacks.

So that's the fucking thing is that he dies and you're like, oh, it's over. Finally, the character's dead, but no, it's a Christian movie. So we have the phone to goddamn heaven. And is he seeing the people that he murdered? Yeah, when he knows the whole movie, he's been flashbacking the people he murdered. And they're all in heaven. That's awkward. No, I wanted, I wanted that conversation so badly for the little girl to just be like, cool. So you changed your mind after you killed me, huh? You better didn't catch on Thursday, right?

Is there a thing when smushed to a brain? Anyways, good to see you forever. Guess what you've been doing. I'm dating a black guy now. Great. I'm not a fan. Jesus. We're in this forever. He was not a fan to be

then of course he looks up on the hill and who should be standing there. But Jesus is Jesus is there. And then it comes up and it goes like this film is dedicated to all who have been persecuted for their faith. So we made a Christian movie dedicated to people with different religions and Christianity pretty much. Yeah. It's dedicated to Kim Davis. Yeah. Right. much. Yeah. It's been dedicated to Kim Davis. Yeah.

Right. Right. Yeah. No penis cake. Has that. Yeah. Text someone you know. No penis cake.

Also, and I have to point this out, okay. All the people in our theater when the credits started, they, they, they kept sitting there like they were expecting a Marvel style post credit teaser for first Corinthians or something. My theater too. Really? What is it? It's just the geriatric, I guess. I know.

They also unironically clapped with me at the end, which was fun. Oh, nice. Nice. That's the best thing about going to a Christian movie with, with Heath is watching him start the slow clap and all the Christians go well, now we have to clap. Oh, I think we could start a Jesus chant. Oh, yes. Yes.

I guarantee we could in Oklahoma fucking city. I bet we can. Oh, absolutely. No, we could start a USA chant. We could start an AR 15 chant. I guarantee you KKK chant. I think if we transition the USA chant like you say you S K K. We get set doing it. Just had a habit. All right. So back to back, we just watched

a story based on a shitty song about dancing for Jesus and a story about a shitty book about dying for Jesus. This leads to the obvious conclusion that there's nothing too stupid or insignificant to be the literary basis for a Christian movie. So to close things off tonight, any guesses as to what source material Christian movies will stoop to next? I'm going to say a documentary about the quality control guy at the factory for the communion craft. It's on the assembly line. An especially difficult shit that Billy Graham took.

What have been better than this one? All right. Well, that does it for our review of Paul Apostle of Christ. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get your fire it up for next week. Eli, you've been waiting for years to say it, bro. What's on deck? God's not dead.

I am so excited about this one. We're watching the preview. And before this before Paul the Basel of Christ, and at one point, they turn, the reporter says, well, says to David ARA, well, how do you define truth? What is truth to you? And he goes to me, truth is a person. It's a person. No, anyways, just like, no, no. That's a hard way to get that question wrong. You're, you're going to try that again? Yes. Three pounds of wet flour. God, I keep, this is something so vague, I could just say, say something vague for me. Yeah.

Free is a metaphor. Nope. No, closer. Much better. Yeah, yeah. And it's finally coming down when it's finally coming. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 136 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors and help make the show go if you'd like

to catch yourself among their ranks. You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to download a living as a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skinning A, the ascentation needed on the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher and everywhere else podcast lip.

If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast or provide it by the law, if this is a PA address or us, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, Louisville, Trap Son Mars, all the music was written and performed by our audience, your Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heathen, right? Neil, I'm Austin, God of no illusions. Paramounts and work hard to earn another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with

a breakfast club close. The enormous man who fell asleep in my row woke up and fell on his face at the end when everybody started clapping. It was pretty fun. The lady to my left eventually did get into her twizzlers. The lady to my right never did stop tearing that paper. She's still there! She's still tearing it now. She's still tearing the paper in the strip.

There she is. There she is. Hey Morgan, good talk. See I'm saying this before I talk to you, but I'm assuming it's like I'm moving through time. It's weird. Hard for you to keep track, huh? Be weird if you quit before I'm after me. Yeah, that's that.

Yeah. That's true. I should be careful. Did we do a count? Yeah. I forgot. We did a count like a second ago. Yeah, we did a count. We did a count. We totally did a count.

Did we do a count? Yeah. Yeah, we did a count. Okay. And then I said not too bad. And then I talked to Morgan. I have evidence. One of us has evidence.

Yeah, we definitely did the count. I mean, there's a recording. We'll go back to play this. You're right. That's what really are. They really are. It's not a lot of it. They're like, no, my dick.

No, it's just like better as always. Better. It's a dick pill. Yeah. If you have pattern baldness on your dick, everything's taken. Peter has interesting stuff. Right. Like he has no fucking record. The shipwreck and shit things happen. Maybe like it. He probably got rejected for thing. Yeah. Right. Right. No.

No, nothing happens. No, Peter. What did we say? Yeah, right, right. No, nothing happens. No, Peter. What did we say? The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.