God Awful Movies - 14: GAM014 Image of the Beast

Episode Date: November 24, 2015

This week Eli and Noah tackle the third film in the Thief in the Night series, Image of the Beast.  And as we descend further into hellscape of Russell S. Doughten's untreated mental illness, we find that computers are evil, Satan has a pretty good lawyer on retainer, and there will be locusts.  Glorious, glorious locusts.---Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more, check out their Facebook page.

It's a bad magic trick if someone showed it to me as a magic trick if they were like, all right I'm gonna write down a prediction about what word I am gonna write down. I feel like oh no, that's not a That's not a magic trick. That's just like you wrote down there, but he got the wrong form Right, yeah, well you notice that I wrote down I will mention a war and then I wrote down war Who me? Who me? Who me? Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema So that we'll be happier to welcome death when it comes. I'm your host Noah Luzon's and 989 miles to my left is my good friend Eli Bosnick Eli welcome back. Oh, thanks for having me Noah and Unfortunately, he's unable to join us once again tonight. He did however here last week's episode and sent along an audio message, you know,

in order to clear up all the rumors that he's dead once and for all, which he asked me to play for you now. I'm Keith and I'm definitely not dead and it would be wrong to suggest I'm dead. Also Noah is a God at fantasy. Football. Well, I am convinced. All right, well, that's, I personally am convinced.

Good to hear from you, Heath. Yeah, yeah, always. I'm 100% alive. And if I also wanted to offer this up quickly before we got started, a brief May of call, but as I was editing last week's episode, I realized that I said the word exactly about 680 times

Usually in pairs as in exactly exactly so I'm gonna make a serious effort to avoid that this week I have a handy list of synonyms for exactly sitting right next to me. Hopefully that'll be all it takes I I plan to reveal a personal secret about myself instead of saying I have written in my notes So if I want to say I know it's I notes, I'm just going to be like, I tried gay stuff in college, I didn't like it, and I heard the guy's feelings. So I hope we'll all work through our verbal tics. Yeah. Yeah. But keep tweeting them out. Keep, make sure you tweet at me so I can think about it as I fall asleep next to my just at four in the morning, just be like, what can I say instead of I wrote down in my notes? Just, just, I just scream the words morning just be like what can I say instead of I wrote down in my nose just I just scream the words Just be like she's fat

All right well with all that house keeping out of the way I guess we can get to this week's movie Today we're gonna be breaking down the third film in the infamous thief in the night series image of the beast This is the post-apocalyptic story of a young mother trying her damnedest to wrap her badge around the throbbing cock of an early eighties version of Paul Rudd and him not getting the fucking hint and also there's a cyborg anti-crest so Eli how bad was this movie so I got to continue the metaphor that I use last week of crazy Jerry which is that this now we're into that if you've ever had a friend who introduces someone as crazy and you don't believe they're crazy at first, then they act

crazy. This is that third stage where they show up to your house at four in the morning and they ask if they can park their bloody car in your garage. That's what this movie is. Every time I'm like, oh, okay, I get it. This movie is crazy. It comes next level crazy crazy they do an entire movie about a poster that someone painted in the third grade class and it takes it to the next level

holy shit yeah i i need to apologize to russell s dot in the producer of this film because i said last week that i didn't see how the next movie could be crazier. And clearly, I underestimated his acumen for cinematic psychosis. This is not only my favorite movie that we've reviewed. This is my new favorite movie of all time. No question. Move over the third man, fuck off Sherlock,

Jr. suck a dick vertigo. You're all moving down the podium to make room for image of the beef. I have had people institutionalized for Sainershit than this movie. Oh, there's no, there's absolutely no question. The fact that this movie, because other people had to contribute to this movie. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Everyone couldn't have been crazy. When there's this many crazy people, they start a cult and kill, kill themselves in beds with sneakers on that's what I have

We already know which means that the gaffer was sitting there being like man another poster scene. All right, man It's like The and this is we talked about this very briefly in the first movie This is the 70s you couldn't just make a movie by yourself right. Yes exactly. There were hundreds of people Couldn't just make a movie by yourself. Right. Yes, exactly. There were hundreds of people, hundreds. Right, telecopter pilots, drivers,

helicopters, there's no way there's that many crazy helicopter pilots. They had to find a normal guy who flew a helicopter and they kept coming up to him at like craft services and being like, do you want to know what this movie's about? No man, I do not. For the third time I do do not I saw the poster. I don't want anything to do with it I just want to fly the helicopter around do you want to know what happens when she gets shot? I don't want to know no, no all right You're gonna be real sad when that Jesus comes and still I know I'm gonna be real sad when Jesus steals all the people away

I'm gonna go get in the machine that disproves everything you believe It's truly amazing about this movie to me was that it was both made and screened for purposes other than showing people how insane this religion is if you take it seriously. Oh, yeah Again, like I this was show this ears and was shown to children to like Again, like I this was show this is and was shown to children to like scare them into this religion But I'm gonna show this movie to my children to scare them out of my religion Yes exactly I've because if I listen if I'm a parent when I when my kids are growing up They're obviously gonna hear about religion and they're gonna be like I don't know Maybe I didn't think a Christian thing and I'm gonna be like oh do you think maybe you want to be a Christian?

Well sit on down put on your laser goggles because daddy's gonna show you a little film made in the year 1978 and they're gonna take off their goggles and they're gonna be like holy fucking shit I'm gonna become a Scientologist and I'll be like yeah, that's a lot less crazy You should try that instead You want to grab a pulse monitor and sit there and talk about your feelings to Tom Cruise's gay best friend. You go ahead and do it. That is way more sane than this film. So I'm kind of going to reprise my same intro from last week.

I've broken the movie down into a few categories and I want you to tell me where this one ranked among the three movies. So where did it rank in terms of production quality? Okay. I would say this is the best production quality so far. How about the acting? Um, ah, that's hard. Best, ah, worst, ah, it's the best worst acting so far. All right, well said, well said. I think you captured my feelings on it as well. All right, how about in terms of overall insanity?

Oh, this is by far the craziest movie. This is this is next level This is the next level of crazy. I love that there's no hesitation the poster just the fucking poster Just the post I mean we're not even talking about scorpion with people faces We haven't talked about this movie so crazy It has scorpions with people faces. We've been talking for seven minutes and we haven't mentioned them Right the scorpion with people phrases is not the craziest part of this movie. Yes That's that's I'm sad I'm sad about it

Any other movie is sort of open we would have changed the name of the podcast Scorpion with people faces movies We'd have to redesign the thing we relaunch the podcast hope it makes it into the top 20 I get it listen I understand you got to rebrand so the people you get new listeners I understand that's what I would do But there doesn't matter because the scorpion people matter so little and it's like the seventh craziest thing in this fucking movie Oh, yeah, it's not even top 10. No, he might barely make my top 10, but yeah, it's right there on the bubble.

So, I hope you can just hear in my voice that I'm getting to get to the breakdown. So we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, we're gonna dig into the dark web of faulty neuronal pathways that is image of the beast. Among the myriad interesting things that we learned watching image of the beast. Among the myriad interesting things that we learned watching image of the beast is that all one needs to successfully generate reliable prophecies is a Commodore 64 or its functional equivalent in vacuum tube technology. Well, knowing that and knowing that those religious folks had a crazy unfair head start when it came to prophecy, we decided to fire up the old

C64 and create the world's first atheist computer prophecies. Atheist computer prophecy. Rich Dawkins final tweet will just be the N word for 160 characters. Atheist computer prophecy. You will be added to a Facebook group by someone you barely know. You will delete that person. Atheist computer prophecy. The men's rights movement will spontaneously dissolve when 90% of the members realize they were just gay.

Atheist computer prophecy. CJ Wurlom and will pass this computer prophecy off as his own without attribution. Atheist computer prophecy. Bernie Sanders will win the 2016 election but upon learning this he will leap for joy. When he lands, he will turn to dust on impact. Donald Trump will become president. A thousand years of darkness will follow. And we're back to break down the third greatest thing that ever happened after David Tyree's

Super Bowl catch in the invention of the blowjob image of the beast and will start as we did in the last film with a little Star Wars scroll about the Bible. Yes absolutely in which they call this movie a film story. Oh that's true. Yeah that strikes me as a mistranslation the very beginning they're like this film story and I'm like being just a film or a story that's not a film story. It's like when you get the fan and the instructions were written in Chinese and then translate to American by a person who doesn't speak English exactly. I don't know something about turn it on 0 1 2 3 you get it. Come on. Just turn your fan on So yeah, no the the message here

I guess is that that many biblical scholars agree with the bible and uh... even though it seems like this movie is insane from start to finish this definitely could happen yeah toad serious you guys toad's serious yeah exactly that was the big message right here is please take this movie seriously

and then we had an isa eight nineteen which is something about not wizards that pee and butter Yes, you know what if you want people to take your message seriously Maybe don't follow it up with a quote that thinks that wizards are real That's that's actually working directly the opposite of what you want Precisely see I didn't take this very seriously also our god thinks which is a real yeah yeah make sure you kill those wizards right after you're done taking this movie seriously and then we get the credits and this

is so funny because okay this movie was released in 1980 and what we're supposed to be looking at is a bunch of high-tech computer equipment but it's 1980 so we're looking at Christopher Columbus's navigational computer here. Right, we're looking at someone pushing Abakus back and forth. More or less. I thought I wrote in my notes here. Maybe this is an electric shaver. Yeah, exactly. Oh, this is this is the power for that razor we earlier saw that Honda Civic sitting in that bathroom sink. This is where this is where the rest of it was. I get it. Certainly. I had a one point I just thought to myself, man, this entire room is now in my phone and I don't care.

Right. Holy shit. This entire film room that they're filming all these different elements of air in my phone and I'm like, porn won't load fast when I'm on the ground. elements of air in my phone and I'm like porn won't vote fast when I'm on the ground. It's a amazing thing. So basically we're looking at all your recording stuff and there's like a very obvious undertone of computers are evil that is going to ask it's pervasive throughout the movie but they really set it up even in this this first scene that you're looking at computers, but there's just something sinister about them.

Yeah, they're just scary computers. You know, I have evils television, evil switches, evil, because everything is just sort of like an is it on evil padding zoo? It just all strikes me. And I saw in the credits, there's a helicopter,

and I was like, don't worry guys There's another helicopter in this movie. We're not gonna have an image of the beast movie without the helicopter It would be yeah, no it would be like an Indiana Jones movie without the whip So if you stayed awake through the 40 minutes of credits You're treated to a pre-rapture super market scene and a UPC symbol There's approximately the size of a fully unfolded newspaper. Yeah, it is the Lord. It is comically large. Yeah, it is huge. It takes up three quarters of a jar of like mayo or whatever it is that it's on.

And I realized something really important. And this is going to come back throughout the movie. There's a Pete Holmes bit where he says, I don't understand magnets, I don't understand this. This is magnets. That's what this movie is, except with computers. It's like, I don't understand computers, I don't understand UPC cones. It was a thing. It was a picture. I put it up to a little red laser and then they knew how much it cost. That's what everything a computer is. That's the devil's work. A computer can read all pictures. It's what I learned about computers. I'm standing around with a bunch of magnets asking how the fuck they work. That is this is that in movie form. And so what we're seeing now is a couple walking through the the supermarket. This is before the rapture. And they come across a book called computer prophecies

Computer prophecies, which is going to be pivotal to the movie They buy the oh and then they so the thing go to the cashier and I guess she knows them because all white people know each other Fucking racist, and she says to the to the woman she says are you still at computers? Incorporated yeah, so, so it's been 40 seconds and we've already had two references to just like, oh, it's a book of computer prophecies. You still work at computer incorporated? We should buy some computer sauce

for our computer flavored ice cream. Computers, they're gonna matter in this movie. Is that enough? Do we say it enough? Yeah, exactly. Well, no, no, they didn't. computer flavored ice cream computers they're gonna matter in the this is that after we say it out well no they didn't they obviously didn't because then they have a conversation about their computer prophecy book and they're like what's this book oh it's a book about what it was it's a religious book about people who worship computers right but it turns out that it's spoiler alert it turns out that all of those

prophecies are true and they are the prophecies from the bible right just so the computer was right apparently apparently who the fuck there you go there you go three down on my exactly synonyms here uh... and then of course they have to say something about that you know you know sometimes you just have to scare people to get their attention and hint with the way you get it because that's what we're doing

that's what we're doing with this movie it is we're just trying to get them to have been that's it that's why we did that in the last movie there's there's some complaints about the cutting people's head off scene at the end of our last movie here in this movie we just want to establish the point of this movie is to scare people into reason. Yeah. Which by the way, what a fantastic, indefensible position that you would never hear out

of Neil deGrasse Tyson. Right. You know, Neil deGrasse Tyson never poked up from the bottom of the screen and was like, oh yeah, bitches, well the sun's gonna eat you. You like that? You like that the sun's gonna eat you? You like that? You like that the sun's gonna come and eat your face? Now I'm just kidding, it's not gonna happen, but I got y'all listening now. Here's some science face. I scared you into science and dammit. So now the the the woman here in the

cashier are having this conversation about computer prophecies or whatever. And the husband starts going off about Jesus and about how you ladies need to accept Jesus into your heart. I'm like, I am so glad this asshole is getting raptured. We don't have to put up with him for any more movie. Right, yeah, exactly. Unless you, the quote is, unless you gals open your hearts, which, which, by the way, is not nice supermarket talk. And a Christian this particular Christian movie bingo inappropriate talk for whatever it is activity that's going on making cookies talk about the rapture going to the supermark talk about how there's always one character it's like no what a lovely picnic you guys ever think

about getting eaten in fire forever no man we just want to throw this first be around we're thinking about Also, you get a double step there, because there's a little bit of misogyny just built into that statement. You do gals. So then we cut forward to, you know, he's talking about the profit of the revelation. It's going to come true and the tribulation is going to happen. And then of course, we cut to where we left off in the last movie, which was with Linda getting her head chopped off and patty screaming about it. Now, what's amazing to me here is that they've reassembled the cast from that movie

but it's all like five years later and no one looks the same. Yeah, no, it's like everyone went to a very, very heavy lunch. One between one of them shots. The young girl that like sold them out at the beginning is there And she's like five years older. She's now taller than Patty She doesn't even look the same you have to like I had to check my MDB and make sure it was the same actress It's very very strange. It's a very weird thing also Jerry's mustache got way more spectacular in Jerry's mustache transforms through each of these movies and I believe by the final film will have taken over his entire

It started his mutton shops and has gotten more and more and met at the middle of his face And I he's just gonna be the wolf man by the final movie. He's just gonna be cousin it just hair from head to toe Well, at least we got something balls hanging out underneath Yeah, right. That's how it's higher tiny little shorts going on there somewhere on cousin it. That should be interesting. So now we, but they're still like we left off. Of course they were chopping Linda's head off.

They were about to chat patty's head off. They're all trying to convince patty to give up on Jesus or whatever. And she just won't do it. So they put her on the guillotine. They strap her her in but before they can hit the cutter head off switch or whatever the sky becomes angry Right scary clouds and an earthquake so everybody runs away there There's a Cheech marons there dress like the UN guy so he runs off all the people who are waiting to get their heads chopped off run off because they don't put these people in handcuffs or anything. But now that's going to be fairly key here because included in the people that run off are the people who are going to be at the center

of this movie, the rest of this movie. So for the rest of this movie, we're going to have to sympathize with characters that just left Patty strapped to a guillotine in a fucking earthquake. And yes, the moment we see patty goes Please help me let me out of here and the protagonist this movie looks at her and is like And runs off and they never even like she never even like damn I really probably shouldn't let that shit get her head chopped off that lady Well, and okay, so but now everybody's run off and she she's strapped into this guillotine now Well, and okay, so but now everybody's run off and she she's strapped into this guillotine now

Clearly she could just like move her head up, you know, just lean her head up and and be safe But she doesn't apparently she doesn't think about that so we get the suspenseful moment where she's trying to unstrap herself But you know how guillotine are they always have that hair trigger? Yeah, you know how guillotine's are just ready to go any moment like there's no safety real tend to guillotine's They're just like basically they're they're balanced. They're balanced on a single piece of metal So that at any moment they can just fall So we're seeing like the latch move a little bit while she tries to unscrap herself from the She's basically hanging from the edge of a cliff with the with the branch She's holding on to slowly falling out of the earth that

trope but it's a guillotine about to come undone and smash down to the bottom. The way he teens do and I'm she's supposed to be scared but she honestly just sounds like she's having trouble finishing I wanted to reach out through the movie and help her out but yeah I wrote patty is making noises that make me tickle in my tongue. Right there you go. So just as you think she's about to escape or whatever, she doesn't. The guillotine falls and she gets her head chopped off and dies. Yep.

This is the main character of the last two movies, y'all. We start this movie off with, oh, no, we've created a way for her to escape. That's kind of cheesy nope nevermind nope so now we are in a dark basement with these characters that ran off and let patty die in the fucking earthquake and from now on we're just not we're not gonna talk about the patty thing anymore are heroes so and then we also see a UN guy stalking around in this dark rat filled basement that they're in

uh and he finds them but luckily for them it turns out he's a good guy disguised as a bad guy and wants to help and this to me this is who uh know a previously called uh 80s Paul Rudd I call this Conan O'Brien because to me he looks a lot like yeah, okay, all right like a black hair So Brian I got you. Yeah, throughout my throughout my notes. He is Conan O'Brien. I'll go with Conan O'Brien Because I like Paul Rod. I don't care for Conan O'Brien Yeah, I don't mind besmirching his name here So he like he basically is like you know finds them in the basement and he's like oh come out of there Let me see your hands or whatever and they show them that they don't have the mark and he's like oh praise god and think of what you've shot them if they had the mark

right you know you guys are bad bad bad anyways i'm the christian uh... the christian i'm a good guy i left a person to die and i'm a good christian so then he explains that he killed someone for their uniform they're like how did you get that uniform? And he's like, oh, I got it from a guy. And she's like, did you kill him? And he's like, I'm not sure if I killed him.

And it's like, you're not sure. How are you not sure? I'm 100% sure. I'm never killed anybody. Unambiguous. Yeah. A very hard thing. Humans are pretty hard to kill.

So it's pretty, did you spend 20 minutes beating a guy's skull until it looked like a you oh Yeah, no, I did that. Yeah, you go. Oh, okay. All right He is no good because I was worried he was gonna wake up naked So now we've got we've got two women here that he's found Leslie and Kathy with it and I'm just helping yeah, they don't tell you those names until 20 or 30 fucking minutes into the movie But those are their names and one of them Kathy has a little boy named Billy who's also Wondering around because if this apocalypse the babies didn't go for free It's not like the Nick Cage apocalypse dammit

Jesus left the four-year-olds there if they hadn't told him that he that they loved him yet and it's very clear that the Brunette chick Leslie wants to fuck to you and murder a Christian guy They want to fuck each other. Yeah, yeah, they want to fuck each other She's like, oh, I wish we'd met at a different time and he's like me too and it's like you guys met like Four seconds ago, right and and she's going like so the so the Kathy takes the little boy off so he can take a shatter, whatever. And they have this just like really sexually charged

conversation for this movie, really sexually charged, which is like, what are you thinking about? And he's like, you're wet, pussy, I mean, Jesus. Yeah, Jesus, I'm thinking about Jesus. I'm thinking about how much I'd wanna fuck Jesus so hard. I have Jesus to a handstand and just bury my face in him like a goddamn feedback. I mean Jesus. Also, I just want to point out this is another moment where a character

goes, I worked with handicapped kids and everyone's like, you selfish bitch. But how much time did you spend talking to your invisible friend? Yeah, and asking him to forgive you for the thing he did. Again, the message of this movie is very clearly. Jesus doesn't care about helping retarded kids. Nope. He cares about himself and how much you love him. That's how do adults say these words? I have no fucking clue. How do they feel? How do they sleep at night? Anyway, I just...

We'll figure it out eventually. So so on their back staring at a poster now There it is the eighth trumpet good for me cannot wait to get to the poster now It's important that we set this up though because they ask Kathy. They're like, you know, well if you were just some Selfish bitch taking care of handicapped kids and retarded children and whatnot selfish bitch taking care of handicapped kids and retarded children and whatnot. Why didn't you just take the mark? And she says it's because you had this book of computer prophecies that warned her of all of this. Yeah, computer told her not to. Yeah. So then now they've got to get away, but unfortunately outside of the wherever the fuck they are, there's a UN guard just standing around, beaten off, and they have to get by him who they will call the goon throughout the movie they will call him a goon of some kind

so many times throughout this movie that I searched question whether or not his name was like if his name was like Mr. Goon right so just be aware if you watch this movie along with us that's not his name they just continually call this person again well this movie was handicapped several times by the fact that they couldn't say anything even remotely swearing this is a movie right now cut people's heads off but they won't say shit they won't even say get say fuck well and they but they won't even say this jerk they have to call him a gun like they're constantly in this position where you should be swearing at somebody or at least saying something kind of blue and they won't

go any any further than well we've got to do something about that mean goon out there crazy billionaire idea reshoot this movie shot for shot but you just replace it with the proper amount of swearing so every character's just like fucking shit boss no fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Every time they're running the entire first movie that like 25 minutes You just have an 80 yard over with her being like fuck shit fuck oh Fuck me in the ass god damn it fucking fuck fuck I love it because of that's not gonna take billionaire money. I can do that on Sunday. That's awesome. Let's do it So so now they got to get by the mean goon and they used the okay, so they have a Jeep right so what they could do is just

Drive off really fast since he's just standing there, but instead they're cheap and a gun and a gun Yeah, right and so but instead their their idea is to drive up to where he has stopped and Then spin the tires so mud hits him in the face and then they'll drive off right? Yeah, like a fucking cartoon To which he reacts like he's been shot the mud goes in his face and he's like He falls down into the mud right He falls face first into the mud and rolls around like he's been pepper spread. And we're hearing in the background the military equivalent of Yakitee sacks. It's not just the action that is cartoon-like. The music is as well. It's also like burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp burp very weird. And just so you don't think to yourself, oh, this is some silly cartoon movie, they murder someone now. The the mean goon shoots Brunette chick. The Brunette chick who wants the

D. Yeah, exactly. And she, of course, being shot in the back jumps towards the bullet. She's like the fucking GFK assassination. She jumps towards the bullet out of the car into the mud. So the fake soldier guy carries her way and like puts her under some bushes or something so they won't find the body and fuck it I guess. By the way his name is David we find that out at this moment. And he thinks that she's dead but she's not she like zombie super not dead back, dead. And I know this is a movie trope and not necessarily a Christian movie trope, but people do not get more alive after they've been shot.

There's always this moment where someone gets shot and then they're like, ugh. I'm alive and it's like, no, if you get shot, you get more and more dead until someone removes bullets and so's you up. There's no moment where you get better from a gunshot. It's not a thing. You get worse and worse.

And because all your blood is leaving, and you need that for your body to live. It oxidizes and whatnot. But it's the Walking Dead Christian edition. Apparently, yeah, because she's still alive, but they don't figure that out until they've They've taken off because there's other jeeps coming. Don't worry. I mean if you were if your heart was palpitating with suspense about what was going to happen David's got this all figured out

Yeah, he's gonna use the old turn your headlights off and then turn them back on right as the jeeps go with and so that they'll drive into water Don't you hate it when someone high beams you and it throws you telekinetically into a lake. You're on the highway and some guy puts his high beams on and then your car flies off the edge of a lake into a lake. Now I should point out it doesn't go off of a cliff into an ocean or anything. It drives into very shallow water. It's just like in a beach. It drives into the edge of a lake.

Right. So the guys put the head to return that Jeep. It drives into very shallow water. It's just like in a beach. It's like a lake. It drives into the edge of a lake. Right. So the guys put their head to return that Jeep. Right. But apparently in this movie's universe, that's enough. They're no longer chasing them. So they're safe. Right.

So we can move on to the next scene, which opens with morning birds, chirping, and a bunny, a hoppin, and them sleeping under the Jeep for some reason. I guess nobody will notice them if they're a little boy chases a bunny into the bushes and I immediately was like don't do it little boy. There's a UN soldier pretending to be that bunny. I wanted so badly that bunny to take off the costume and be one of the soldiers. I told you guys right? First we tried the kitty thing and now we try the bunny costume. This is crushing Cute animals guys. That's the way to go So little boy follows the bunny and he wanders into this ominous creepy bar

And actually it's just a fucking barn and because of evil horse from the last movie I wanted so badly for evil horse to spin around in a chair inside that barn and be like hello It's me evil horse He's got a little little teacup there. Yeah, exactly if you want to escape. I'm afraid the answer is nay Now that's that's yeah, billionaire money. We're doing let's kick start that come on Yeah, but instead we just get a chicken stable Now that's that's yeah billionaire money. We're doing let's kickstart that come on. Yeah But instead we just get a chicken stable, which isn't a thing. I don't think which is kind of weird Daniel Dennis Yeah, yeah, locomotive driving Jerry Garcia shows up

Who is the preacher from the first move second and first movies? Yeah, the bad preacher Reverend Turner from the first couple of movies has now gained about a hundred and six pounds grown a beard and managed to make himself look even more insane than he just naturally looks. This is Russell S. Dotton by the way, the producer of this fucking movie. And each movie is decided he needs a bigger part. Yeah. This movie he was like, you know what, there just wasn't enough of me talking in the last movie.

Yes. So can we get more of me listen, the people have spoken, they want more of me talking about crazy bullshit. Apparently they did too. Because this is where my favorite scene begins. So, so, uh, Turner, Reverend Turner was his name, goes and gets him from the Jeep and he brings him in to have breakfast. And it starts normal enough

to just have in some breakfast apples like you do. And then bearded Wilford Brimley opens up a can of fucking crazy because this is where we get the poster that we've been talking about so long. Yes. He walks over to the fucking wall, and he pulls it down like a projector in school. It's got it all over. It is a projection screen sized poster. Bigger than a projection screen though. It's like, I would say probably whatever,

like 15 feet across, 10 feet high, something like that. And it's like, what are those things that are just a whole wall painting? Right, a mural, yeah, yeah. It's like a mural sized poster. And's okay not everybody's gonna get this reference but if you've seen the movie you will think the first detective that got the case in dark city yeah crazy shit sprawl from one side to the other this this poster screams insanity in a way that nothing else could he posed as poster down and he's so porn after 1980 think a beautiful mind at the

end where he's just got all the threads that's the kind of poster we're looking at basically yes so dark city came out in like 1998 or something but at any we were all two or three we were all like We were allowed to see dark city cuz we were ten. I was married ten three years. Fuck you So anyway, so what we're looking at here is a giant version of basically the tribulation map that we saw in the first one and again The pamphlet. Yeah, it's not a map. It's a fucking timeline But anyway, he has got Every piece of crazy you can imagine on here and it's all like it's it's it's you know a little timeline with Wait, here's where all the trumpets are gonna be and here's where all of the monsters that are gonna come out of the scene

He's got the pictures of the different monsters around there Yeah, also I just want to point out he describes he says this will be terrible and awesome and I just have Terrible and awesome like the first time someone put something in your butt You're just like no no no no yes. Yes. This is part of my life Well great see I know this is a whole thing. I got to buy stuff online in a brown unmarked package See it was it's terrible when they first put it in but when they pull it back out. That's the awesome part so I Also still hope that that kid who's looking up this movie is also listening to this

Podcast I was just wondering if that was one of those moments where you almost wrote or you almost said I wrote in my notes or if that was actually what you meant to say I wrote in my notes it's like what you meant to say. I wrote in my notes, it's like putting something in the box. I can only imagine how personal the things that you're going to be. Daniel, Dan, it looks at the... I'm going to give you all a phone number. If you're everyone in your city, this is who you call.

He's got the hands of an angel in the face of a sailor. So he points to his little map and he goes, in the tribulation here, I believe we're about here. And he only points like one seventh away along line. I'm like, God, damn it. I don't know if I'm gonna be further in. How many more movies we have to watch? Wanna watch Kevin?

I miss K. Kirk Cameron. And he's going like, he's basically saying everyone's gonna suffer, but the Jews are really gonna get it. Right. And he can't pronounce Israel, so he keeps saying Israel. Yeah. Which it's always weird, it's slightly anti-Semitic, but it's also just weirdly like crazy when someone's like, Israel, I'm like, have you not, is that a word you've only read?

Is that what that is? You've just read that word, I'm sure. Because he's the producer, I'm sure there was somebody there going Israel. Israel. Everything and go israel israel israel close enough for us shut the gate just go back to your poster man go back to the fucking poster and this guy he's saying shit like well right now Satan's up in heaven and he's holding court and holding court, he's suing the saints, basically. He's in, Satan is in heaven, basically being challenging the sainthood of the saints,

but God's like, no, oh, sister lady. These saints are great saints, and Satan's all pissed off, because he's gonna lose. So the wrath of man is gonna meet the wrath of Satan. It's like a fucking cooking show, if barefoot contest went insane. And you know what? Listening and reading all of this, I started to feel bad because like whenever I see street preachers on the street and I think we all do this and you hear them spouting crazy shit, you're like, oh man that poor crazy guy. And then you read this stuff and you're like, no that guy's just quoting a book. He's not making that up. Scorpions with people's faces is in that book. It's not

a not a thing. And on that poster, we'll get there though, because we're going to come back to this poster over and over again throughout this movie, maybe 11 times or so. Right. And he lets us know that brother Christopher's gonna get shot and then Satan will enter him gigatagoo. Yeah You know butt puppet him back to life. Yeah exactly to which David says well, wait a minute It doesn't Satan understand prophecy. He can read this book too Which that's the question that the guy asked that's what I love about this fucking movie this guy basically pulls out this thing He's like I've got this new scientific experiment where I'm gonna stick this Goten my ass and I'm gonna see if I can scream like a man too and the guy will go, you know like

Well, I don't know because in Deuteronomy in chapter 20s and instead of going like all right Can we help you or sedate you? That sounds pretty crazy instead. He's just like yeah, I mean do should we loob that go to up like how do we help? I want to know how we can help make this go process smoother for you which by the way is a valid question has Satan read the Bible? Yeah, you'd think he'd have to know he loses in this one, right? Yeah, it's like he's read and he says something like Satan has read it, but I he doesn't understand it Yeah, and so I'm like is Satan like a poor reader is that way he's like in a blue reading is like the

Bibi a fuck it. I'm just gonna go But puppet brother Christopher Feel like I do some research on that if I was the devil Well, there's a whole book that says what happens, spoilers, guys. I don't want to know. Cool. I know what I get to do in theater. So now they've decided they're going to start working on a counterfeit mark, a counterfeit

version of... Using a version of... And computer. Right, well, when it turns out... Out. Turns out to be a calculator. And if you're thinking to yourself, hey Eli Eli is a bunch of this movie someone just playing with a calculator and Pretending that a calculator is a computer. Oh, you're fucking damn right at us. Yes, it is

There will be a huge percentage of this movie with someone being like two plus two equals four got That's for some reason this isn't a computer four got to dance for some reason this isn't a computer who will write with so okay apparently back in the eighties filmmakers understood computer or uh... calculators in the same way that they understand computers now so if you've ever seen like the hacker in the movie that's like like two hackers are working on the same fucking keyboard they're going so faster whatever

uh... that this is the calculator equivalent to that. Yeah, this is the calculator equivalent of slapity, slap, slap, I've hacked into the FBI's main frame. Right in hands, in hands. Yeah, can we get a different photo out of that photo that's from really far away? Oh, yeah, totally. We took a bunch of photos and one of them was closer because we're in a movie. Hey, look, I made it say boobs. So so basically he's he wants to Like counterfeit the mark which I'm I can do with a fucking sharpie, but okay But in order to do so he needs to crack the code and for that He's gonna need something high-tech like a calculator or an abacus or something

But they don't have one because you know Calculators are hard to come. Calculators are hard to by the way calculators were not hard to come by even in the 80s No even in the 80s So the idea of this movie is outdated for the time of this movie right in the 80s if you were like I want a calculator people would be like yeah go to Walmart man. I don't know what to tell you Well, I need to make a counterfeit mark. Not what that calculator is going to do. No.

I'm going to add, multiply and divide my friend. Add, multiply and divide. So then they have this very weird conversation where the girl is saying like, okay, David, but if we counterfeit to Mark and and put isn't that the same as being satanic, I mean won't Jesus still hate us? And he's like, no, because this one's our mark. Right, but she seems completely unconvinced. Like, okay, so like, Jesus is now just pissy if you draw shit on your forehead. Right, yeah, exactly. Jesus is really mad if you put glue on the back of your hand and kindergarten, so you look like an old lady and then you peel it off he didn't like that either

yeah or the little thing with the pen where you put it through just that first layer of skin yeah think out the girl sitting next to you so and then there's this weird you know what's your definition of morality moment and and and i love that and the only reason i bring this up is because in these movies they always have to say well god is my definite so killing all the babies moment and and and i love that and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and It's just a bunch of sick sad kids. Patron saying a lost causes. Just remember that people. They chose the patron saint of lost causes. Don't say the Catholics don't have a sense of humor Jesus, what are we gonna call it St. Jude's? You're a dick Jerry. You're a dick. You know that? Too late already printed the business cards. You're a dick There's only gonna be like four people who Google that shit, but I want you to know you're a dick. And they will know that too. So they're wandering down the street now, and this is the only town left in the fucking universe is Des Moines Iowa. So quite coincidentally,

they happen to come across the Goon that shot Leslie. Remember the Goon? Yeah, him. So they run into the Satan church to hide from him I guess it's evil church this is the unite church now the church of the world yeah exactly the world church oh I said exactly somebody somebody should whack me yeah indeed um apparently in duper it please oh Quite oh quite welcome to the synonym podcast and When they walk into evil church the guy standing up there talking about it's it's he's going like How can the corporations cooperating with church profit from the defeat of Israel share investments are up 28% You know like that kind of shit. That's what they talk about at evil church apparently right in evil church

They talk about making money as opposed to normal churches which ask you for money i didn't like evil church but i like evil church more than i like normal church yeah our own eyes not really a uh... concept they understand in regular church and of course so they're sitting down and and bad goon is stocking up and down the aisles looking for him and just by complete fucking coincidence Diane and Jerry from the first couple of movies are right in front of them. Yep

Because we had a shoehorn them back into it apparently they had a foreflick contract Right, and so he drags them out of the room. They show them the fake marks and he's like okay because you're good to go There's no discussion of like hey the other the other night, I chased you, you sprayed me mud, and I shot your friend. It's just like, nope, you got your marks. Oh, man, you must be okay. See you guys, you enjoying this speech today? Oh yeah, it's great.

I think we're gonna go with a raw thyroid. A raw thyroid. Ha ha. And so now they're safe, I guess. They're leaving evil church, but Diane recognizes them because apparently she knows Kathy or whatever and this might be people know each other check your privilege it is decidedly so also i want to point out jerry has gotten rid of the full face

across the face like a fucking graph chart must-tash and is now replaced it for the snideley whipplash version of the of the mustache it literally curls up at the ends like a fucking carnival Parker I wrote down at this point I'm like is his mustache gonna be different in every scene because that would be fucking awesome amazing that's what I want every scene for the last movie Jerry to have a different mustache a impossibly different mustache it's got a Hitler stash and then his whole face is covered in fur and then it's got the Fumantu.

So, no, they also, they ask, you know, like, hey, you know, like we should get together, have some dinner or whatever. And Kathy says, yeah, we don't exactly live like normal people to which I wrote the Christianity story. Exactly. You can't have dinner. No, because we're Christians. We got to weird it up. Speaking of which, it's time to go back to the farm with Hillbilly Turner to talk about the world church and look at the crazy maps of more. Right. So, and then he goes like, yeah, we were at the world church and then he

pulls down his crazy map and he's like here's your world church And he points to a chick riding a Drag in or something a picture of a red lady Right in a red lion and I'm like it's the horror babel on isn't it isn't it isn't it? That's the world church and yes, it was yeah He describes it as a giant infected humanist body to which I wrote the Eli Bosnick story giant infected humanist body to which I wrote the Eli Bosnick story Can't agorically yeah, he also he doesn't call her the great-Horrie calls her the great prostitute No, right right. Yeah, and I want to say I met the great prostitute one shooting Atlanta

My angel at the time. Oh, it's in the show notes for the episode her as a back page listing. It's fine. Don't worry about it. It's cool Tell her you lie sent you yeah exactly and it also actually probably don't don't do that she'll she'll she'll make you she will pepper spray you right away and don't give her his email so also David is looking over his crazy map and he's going is the anti-crest anywhere and Daniel then it goes Yeah, I drew him with my feces over in this corner here. The end of crisis is a different kind of red line over here And then he explains that the Jews are gonna worship false idols Oh my god, and there's a lot a lot of the and the Jews will realize that they're wrong But it'll be too late kind of Milton Gibson thought this movie was too anti-semitic

yeah milkybson was put put in a hammer through the whole of his dick and he was like i don't know guys i think it's a little too much ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thousand teachers that are gonna There's the 144th I'm sorry the 144 thousand special teachers special teachers like special and teacher apparently yeah what and oh he goes finally man will ask God man will stop asking God to leave him alone and I was I wrote man has never asked God to leave him alone ever in the history of ever he is constantly asking God for help and guidance, always, always. Well, I mean, I don't ask 20 years. The Swedish have been like, yeah, no God, you can leave us alone. We're going to have health care and book each other on all sorts of weird ways and then kill ourselves.

That's fine. That's the one country. We have one country now. It didn't exist at the time. There's no such thing as Sweden in the 1980s. Fountains founded in 1987. A lot of people don't know that. Sweden is starting in 1987. I've learned all kind of shit today. Yeah, he's basically given the whole like, you know, oh, and that'll be a say. Now, honestly, I'll say if it's his God, yeah, people have asked I mean you've got to imagine that like during the flood and shit like that

You were like leave us alone God we get it okay. Yeah, I would love fucking I would love for his God to leave us alone That would be awesome. Well, you know, he does yeah, so and then we get a bunch of and basically he's just he's spelling out all of this Shit that's gonna happen later, you know that this's gonna happen later you know that this is gonna happen in Israel and this is gonna happen in russian blah blah blah blah blah and what's amazing is that he they're setting all of this up so that later on we can hear someone say it on a radio right that's it we're not gonna see any of this happen it's not gonna be integrated into the plot at all it's just gonna be on a radio somewhere speaking of which uh... we're now gonna cut cut to TV show footage of missiles and shitton shitton hitting the fan while they're hanging out with gerry and dianne at which point they have they've stopped bothering to even list the country

so they're just like the south has attacked the north and the north is attacking the north east uh... up down up is attacking down and left is attacking right Also, I love that they threw in it's because brother Christopher got shot. Oh, right. Yeah, so one of the predictions from before When you're talking about him getting butt-puppeted is brother Christopher is gonna get shot Everybody's gonna be super bummed, but then he'll come back to life Because Satan's gonna enter him right and then the the radio says, not since JFK died, and I love this so as, if you listen to this show, if you listen to anything that ever comes out of my face,

you know that I love conspiracy theories, and one of my favorite Christian conspiracy theories that not a lot of people remember is that when JFK died, a ton of evangelical Christians thought he was the Antichrist because he was a Catholic, who was a Catholic president, and when he got shot, they thought that he was going to rise back to life. So I love this little call back to them.

These were obviously the same people who were like, you watch JFK is going to come back to life and everyone's going to worship him. So for those who can expect collect conspiracy theories like me I liked this little shout-out to the remember when we thought JFK was the antichrist but then he was just a dead guy from Boston and then we moved on to Saddam Hussein and then he killed him he didn't come back to life and now we're on Obama remember guys remember this is you need someone kill him so we can wait for him to come back real quick we're probably gonna get arrested for you saying that or something. Yeah, exactly.

We just popped up on an NSA checklist somewhere. So, and then, so they're hanging out with Jerry and Diane talking about awes shit, you know, brother Christopher, who is the anti-crazy, I guess, got killed. We're all bummed about that. But in this conversation, they also like kind of like just sneak in the fact that Jerry goes, oh, did that calculator, I loans you guys work out? Yeah. You know, was it able to add and subtract those numbers

that you needed, added and subtracted? So. And this is where he says he works for the believers on the ground movement squad. Yes. The bombs. Yes. The bombs.

And she even says that. She said, and they don't know Apparently that they have a joke here or whatever because then she looks at the card He says I work for the believers underground movements, but she looks over it. She goes bumz and he says excuse me She's like oh because that's the latter's I always right she goes I always just do that with every and it was like really you just do that with every company you see It's like I work for IBM You okay? Yeah, you just do that with every company you see it's like I work for IBM I've been

You okay? Yeah, I just do that with a Upscate me a package. Oh look we got it. We got a compass from the TV channel. It's compass And then we got abs And then we got Fox. Oh Fox is a word good. Yeah, no that works good work i love it when they work out like that so apparently jerry wants to okay so jerry checked this dude's background or whatever but it's the background of the guy who he killed that he thinks is him or whatever so the point being that jerry now wants to hire david or the guy that day he thinks david is to to root out all the christians and apparently jerry has priority over all agencies as he says

yes to to to root out christians with his bum squad yet because he's the head of the because he's in charge of all the bums exactly well fuck that i said exactly what was show enough ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And then we get them trying to damn right for the full show. That's the next way ahead.

So then we get them trying to calculate or whatever. And it's the most ridiculous, you know, just bunch of computer words throwing together here. You know, she's just clearly clicking on the, it's not how calculators work. It's insane. He's just like, damn, I can't get this calculator to be a microchip. I don't even fucking know what it's

supposed to be. And over the radio on the at the mall, they announced that brother Christopher has risen from the dead. Right. And he he's like hey guys it's me I'm totally alive totally alive not just like the fucking heath clip that I played before it's about that convincing yeah I'm totally not sit don't take my pulse let me leave you I'm totally alive but puppeted by Satan I'm really here I don't even know who brought up but but by Satan that's good that's not was that me I Sorry, that just sort of slipped out But I'm not though. I'm looking me if I was alive could I float slight two or three inches off the ground? Oh, no

That's not something you guys can do shit. I mean I just jumped and forgot to land or something This is not going well. I should read the Bible. Should have read the Bible. How does this go? I also love the announcer, the radio announcer. This guy is terrible. Because he's first of all, it's just like, oh, you know, he came back to life like people do, you know?

And then he says, he closes off with, it is a great, great day for the world. Yeah, Jack No, okay. No, no. I could just see him at the fucking Hindenburg going oh the Hydrogen bummer Yes, I feel for them they are in there I'm not great day. I'm not Good day. Harry nod a double plus on good day. This is Jack Mulcai's side. So then we get the most awkward attempt at seduction since the graduate.

Yeah, but a lot less appealing. Oh, yes. Yeah. No, no, no, no, where near is fun to watch so Kathy is They're they've gone back to the barn. They're sitting outside the barn and Kathy is Desperately trying to get a hold of that sausage and he's just not getting it. No, she wants the vitamin and she's just like Well, you know, we've been together for so long That was just thinking and he, he's basic responses. You really need to ask Jesus for the D. Right.

Yeah. That's about all he's got. Right. He says, well, you know, I know what you want to relationship, but what you need is a relationship for Jesus Christ. What are you going to say to God? And I wanted so bad for her to say that no one knows how to dry a vage like David. Right. I wrote, I i wrote my notes because he goes out why should i let you in the head when god says why should i let you in the heaven what are you gonna say i

wrote fuck you dad murdering rape watching terrorists allowing selfish evil monstrous pile of shit why what are you gonna say to me i'm wondering what you're gonna say. It's fun. You're turned. And then I love it. So we get this long speech about how bad it is to think, essentially, because David's

going like, the problem is that we tried to rationalize God with our finite minds. Right. That's the problem. The problem is that you guys were thinking too much. Problem is too much The problem with Christians is that they're always thinking from you're trying to rationalize unicorns with your mind Instead of post with your pretend box, which is right in the center your Tom Tom She even says what's wrong with trying to understand and he basically responds with oh cuz none of this shit holds up when you try to understand it

That's why you can't try to understand nonsense here look goop goop we better we better do we're be what number did I just say We didn't say anything right? That's why you can't try to understand it because they don't make any fucking sense At this point with through this whole conversation I'm basically writing down every line either of them says you know, oh that was pretty fucking stupid I have to say something. Oh, that was really fucking stupid there. I said our notes should just be this film script We just told line by line We just told script And then David says

I can believe this shit Just do a dramatic reading with us afterwards going what the fuck does that mean? But you know what though the script for this movie is probably just Russ S. Dotten's hand prints, you know in feces That's probably the whole fucking thing just a bunch of pictures of that red lady riding a red line The whole thing is is written in the style of his poster The script was the was the back of the poster he would turn it around every morning be like I think we're here in the movie and This red lady riding a lion. That's me. I'm super strong. I'm I'm playing space bomb shooting a home run Okay, Ross are we actually shooting that no, but I want another helicopter So we actually shooting that no, but I want another helicopter

Got money damn it. I need a helicopter So and and again, this is just another example of the bad person or the wrong person in the movie Making all of the intelligent points while the good person in the movie yells Jesus ever louder because she says like You know here. I am talking about facts and you're talking about a two thousand year old book And he says oh do you know, here I am talking about facts, and you're talking about a 2000 year old book. And he says, oh, do you want to talk about reality? Well, let's talk about shit that only ever happened in this fucking movie. Right. You want to talk about reality. Let's talk about this made up universe that we live in to prove that the thing that I think is true in the real world is real. Right. Which, by the way, is once again, his reaction to her saying hey you want a fuck right? Yeah You want to you want to toss me the D what about the dragons alright

So and then of course they marched back into the bar and mid-vag talcoming Bible study and he's gone and he says to Rustle in the Daniel then it he says oh we're having a little Bible study. Where's that Bible at? thought in the Daniel then it he says uh oh we're having a little bible study where's that bible at uh yeah she's she's going like I was just trying to fill a fucking home with this dumbass as a bible study and then he he finds the bible passage that he's looking for whatever sticks the fucking bible in his face and points to it and says see that's reality like no that's that's a fable that's the exact opposite of it that's just the thing that they wrote in the book that's that's why we have the word reality is so that we can

Distinguish like thing in a book versus thing that really happened right yeah exactly also I wanted her to just be like hey Do you mind curling that Bible up into a rod so I can fuck myself with it? And then he moves on to say that there are over 300 prophecies in the Bible. Uh-huh. The came true. Yes. And all of the prophecies, so I googled that. I was like, wow, that doesn't make...

I'm interested in that. All of the prophecies happened in the Bible. Right, yes. I can make a prophecy about what will happen by the end of this recording. It doesn't make me prophetic. I wrote, I am in recording. By the end of the show, I doesn't make me prophetic. I wrote, I am in recording. By the end of the show, I will make a pussy joke. Doesn't mean that the, I, because I'm going to make it. It's me. I need to be rooted down. And I'm going to say it is in my notes. I get to

do it later. Right. That, and again, and that's something that you hear from evangelical questions, especially constantly, is about how all of the prophecies in the Old Testament are fulfilled in the New Testament. Like all of the shit that was supposed to happen in chapter 2 happened in chapter 2. How do you explain that? And by the way, even that even to get there, they have to go out of their goddamn fucking minds and have right. It doesn't happen right now. It's wonky and walking. No, yeah, right, right. They didn't even do it very well. Yeah, it's a bad magic trick. If someone showed it to me as a magic trick,

if they were like, all right, I'm gonna write down a prediction about what word I am gonna write down. I'd be like, oh no, that's not a magic trick. That's just you writing that. And you're fucking it up. It's like you wrote down there, but he got the wrong form. Right, yeah.

Well, you notice that I wrote down, I will mention a war, and then I wrote down war robe. So, uh, pretty stone cold. Don't get an abortion. Or let anyone else do it. So and then over the radio, we hear that two men were slain in Israel, brother Christopher apparently killed the firebreath in Juzio. Yes, and he leaves them out like flat the impaler.

Brother Christopher is just like, I'm an alien woman in the street. And he announced that on the radio. Yeah, and everyone just like, yeah, I guess that's the thing. Oh, and also he's taken over all the energy companies now that's right he's they runs all of the energy and uh... russ who is crazy preacher goes like Moses and Elijah they were

he's talking backwards like yoda now for fun right yeah exactly also says god's wrath will pour out on the earth and i'm just picturing like a bukkaki thing with all the gods in a circle around earth yet i i very often picture that so then they go we cut to the mall where they're going to fucking oceans eleven some batteries yet no i wrote this down as the oceans eleven items are less seen it was it was really okay this actually i fucking love this thing

so it i guess the market supposed to be like a UPC code Everybody has their own mark or whatever, but they both have the same mark and the computer if they're both going through the line at the same time The computer will figure it out right and they sell this to you explain this to you in great detail Now what they don't explain is why it is that both of them can go through the line. Right, they don't explain that and they also don't explain why one of them can't just go through and then they wait until that person's through and then get in line. Right. For some reason they both have to be in line at the same time but slightly off-kilter and she needs to be done before him. Right.

And I have to admit it was actually extraordinarily suspenseful even as dumb and contrived as it was I was like going through this whole single and come on hurry up give him the fucking receipt god damn it woman god damn it I was ashamed of myself I'm like god damn it I like Chinatown and multi-as-falken and shit I like good movies and here I am on the edge of my seat over this stupid fucking shit. I was just watching heat. What happened to me? Also, I love, there's giant signs that in this grocery store that are basically like no fronties, backsees, the government.

Like you're not allowed to step out of line. There was a lady in front of him in line who stole some shit. But then the soldier turns around and is like, hey, don't hold up the line. It's like, what if you want some cigarettes like each not? Why is that thing? Also, she walks away from the cashier by going, oh, I left my baby in the car and I was like, ah, the 70s. Oh, yeah. And you can just leave your baby in the car. Dude, when I was a kid, when we were driving uh, I would sleep in the back window of the car.

That's a thing. We were allowed to do that back when my mom would run in grab groceries and I would sit in the car. Yeah. It was fine. Yeah. And very, very rarely did I get raped by passing strangers. Yeah, I did. You know, sometimes, but that's pretty much fair.

You know, shouldn't the park next to a church? That's on that's a moment. That which does not kill. you know sometimes but that Yeah pretty much pretty much if there were any black people in this movie this is where they would have been but there are so basically it doesn't work the alarm goes off the alarm sounds like a tie fighter

you can't be a bully the winner is the alarm in the world and he bumps into this soldier who falls down again every bad guy who falls down in this movie immediately rolls around on the ground has a fucking grand mall seizure. And apparently he ran into a guy that was carrying a large bucket of shit or something because he's now. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, sausage is. Is, oh, was that it?

Okay. So now we get the chase scene that Russell S. Doughten wanted in the other three dammit. This was a great fucking chase scene. Yeah, the cars go more than 20 miles an hour. And they run in right stuff. The car's right house. It's pretty great. Yeah, yeah, no, that was the money shot right there. Credit credit is too. At the end of the fucking thing, he drives the fucking car all the way through a house from front to back. And yeah, I mean, like that's for for what my expectations were going into this fucking movie when we saw Chasey and earlier where everybody's signaling their turns and going 15 miles an hour.

Yeah, that was pretty fucking awesome. I love the fucking music. But they end up capturing Christian Paul Rudd at the end of it. Somehow they don't get Kathy because she Kathy kitty prided into the trunk. She like phased through the back seat of the car and is now in the trunk of the car which they did not check. Yeah yeah no they didn't they weren't too worried about that but now they've got him and they don't have her which is apparently a problem because they need her too. So we cut to Jerry's office. Right and Jerry wants to kill David which is Conan O'Brien super duper bad he really wants

that he's like he was like that man sat at my table and used my calculator and one point he goes I'm the laughing stock and I wanted the other character to just be like no dude that's because of your mustache yeah because you look like a 1920s bad guy it's not because you let someone go yeah no we're we're gonna be making fun of you even if even if you cut that guys out of but we can't worry about that kind of shit because we have to go back to crazy map for more and this is the craziest part of the map that happens in the entire film this is the craziest part of the map that happens in the entire film. This is the craziest thing that ever happened in life Yeah, ever in anyone's life ever. There's no nothing has happened crazier than this scene of this movie

It's the peak of crazy. Oh my god. This was fucking hilarious So a couple of things I want to point out on this so he's giving his history slash future lesson about the apocalypse at one point he says uh... he's talking about the plagues of egypt and he says the plagues which were verified by secular history right nope what does this he really think that that's true though does he really think that the fucking plagues were verified by history not even a little not not only were the plagues not verified that whole things made up that my

Fun-party trick to do to other Jews when I see them I'm like hey remember that whole thing in Egypt and they're like yeah, that's a great example We were slaves and I'm like never happened. No didn't happen at all No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, slaves in fucking Egypt there might have been a little bit of trading going on back then that's it you know how Jews exaggerate right someone someone got cheated on some sheep and they were like I was like I was a slave there it was I was a slave that's it I was a slave for 500 years I had to build it I basically single-handedly built their pyramids for them that's what I'm telling you how bad he bought these carpets for me. It was slavery. And then I said that you let me go. And they didn't let me go because I had to buy some extra spices as well. So I threw

I turned the water into blood. Is this like you getting drunk? You get home drunk. And your wife is like, come on, where were you? And you're like, well, I'll tell you where I was. I had to turn the water into blood. And then I had to kill all the first born children. And she's like, really? Yeah, really? Now I'm going to go throw up because I have the flu. And then he gives us like one by one, we get all the trumpets and what they mean and all the horses and what they mean. And then, I love this too, because at one point she's getting onto him for, she's like, well, isn't that a literal interpretation?

He's like, well, it's literally true. That's when he says, oh, it's been verified by secular history. And then he says, and then it says, a meteor will fall from the sky. And I'm like, no, motherfucker, you're being literal before, you gotta be literal, no, it says, a star. Will fall from the sky. All the stars will fall from the sky is what the fucking book says all the giant

Massive goddamn stars will fall onto earth now if you're gonna be literal at the beginning You gotta be literal at the end well Well, no because that because now we know what stars are so that right Because now we know what stars are so that right that's nonsense all of a sudden literal is out the fucking window And then we get the locusts right okay Do you have a clip of this yeah, I do because there's no way we can possibly do this justice You'll think we're making this yeah, that's the thing people just think we're making it up Yeah, no, this is all this is all verified by secular biology

but here's here's his description this is crazy Daniel then its description of the locust that will play us in the future what a frightful creature this locust will be a body of a horse human face crown on the head long hair and lions teeth and wings that sound like

thundering horses rushing into battle, and worse, they have long tails and stings like scorpions. The sting is terrible. It doesn't kill you, just leaves you in a state of torment for five months. Only those sealed by God will be exempt. It's an intense, horrible torment. Death will be preferable, but not possible. Trumpet number six consists of 200 million dollars. So that is the craziest thing about this movie. Scorpion, Locus, that have human heads wearing crowns, lion's teeth, and when they sting you, you're in agony for five months. But you can't die.

You're immortal for those five. But you're immortal. And by the way, I should point out he has a picture, yo, while he's describing that he's pointing to a picture of this exact thing that he's describing on his crazy map. And by the way, if you're thinking to yourself, hey, are we going to get to see those scorpion locusts? You damn right, we're going to get to see those scorpion locusts. You're damn right. We're going to see them sort of. And it also says 200 million horses. The Bible sounds like a disturbed toddler. Like you're like, hey, Jimmy, what you drawing? 200 million horses. We're going to ride

across the sea and and fight us. It's like oh yeah 200 million horses Are any of them gonna have cars because I'm not worried if they're just 200 million horses. We can probably take them out with about five machine gunners Yeah, exactly. Oh really I have a mini gun now you have zero horses and a big old field of meat That was like the you know, he just explained the locus thing. Kathy sits there and says, mm-hmm, yeah, yeah, a helmeted locus with, with lion teeth, I got it. And then when he says 200 million horses, she says, oh, come on, 200 million horses.

200 million horses, come on, I don't believe that. So tell me more about the lion teeth scorpions that sing in, you stay alive forever. Well, I love that, and he comes back and goes like, well, Kathy, that's how many horses there were in China in the 70s. I'm like, oh, well, now you've cleared up all of the stuff that didn't make sense. Right. I appreciate that. Now that I know that the Chinese are going to abandon modern technology for their invasion. You guys, we're going to use horses for this one. Yeah, we have not sure why, but it says so in this book. And he also says, and I

quote, this is not God's temper tantrum, which is exactly what it is. Yes. Exactly God's temper tantrum. Well, I mean, you could upgrade it and say it's God's like terrorist tantrum or something like that. But yes, how can it not be? Right. You don me enough so i'm gonna rain fire and brimstone and scorpions with people's faces on you is the definition of a tor of a temper tantrum if you cut me off in traffic that's what i yell at you all really okay great you're gonna just come move right into my lane i'm gonna put all sorts of scorpions down on your planet there for you gonna sting you but you're gonna just come move right into my lane I'm gonna put all sorts of scorpions down on your planet. They're fucking you're gonna sting you But you're gonna wish you could die, but you won't be able to fucking

I'm gonna go all biblical with my insults from now on So with that promise a helmeted scorpion horse locusts will give ourselves a quick break But not before I give act three the hard sell will Kathy be attacked by helmeted scorpion horse locusts Why the fuck would they be wearing helmets? by helmeted scorpion horse locusts? Why the fuck would they be wearing helmets? How the fuck does anyone take this book seriously? Find out the answers to one of these questions or fewer when we return for the psychologically scarring conclusion of image of the beast.

This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, the wrath of God and the wrath of devil meet the wrath of man in this one time only event, in a cage match for the ages at the Staples Center in Bayon, New Jersey watch the Alpha Endomega his favorite creation and his fall in favorite angel go toe to toe to toe in the Universal biggest show call your cable company and make sure you don't miss a minute of the action It's the regulation pulling into the station this Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, only on people. Uh, hey, Jerry. Come in here for a second, man. Oh, hey, hey guys, what's going on? Um, so, uh, well, you've been doing so good hunting down the Christians that we decided to give you your own unit.

Oh, really? That's, that's awesome. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, it's, you're gonna be the, the believers underground movement squad. Wow, that's great. Thank you, sir. I mean, well, that's, it's really, yeah, but, um, you know, we're gonna need to shorten that for, you know, code names and stuff. So we're just gonna call you know, we're gonna need to shorten that for you know code names and stuff We're so we're just gonna call you guys Bums because that's the acronym. Yeah, that's Yeah, I mean, I mean, I mean we can like change a word or there in something or like no no no no no no no We can't can't change it can't worry, but don't worry actually

You're gonna be the The um facilitating administrator of genocide so But don't worry, actually, you're going to be the facilitating administrator of genocide. So yes, you are. It's a big promotion. Oh, well, thank you. So if you'll just announce your new office and title, we can move on.

Maybe we just have me say the whole thing no no you have to say it out loud or it doesn't it doesn't count is the uh... i'm sorry what i couldn't couldn't i couldn't hear you i couldn't quite make that out i'm a fag in charge of bombs

told you he'd say it i told you he'd say you are i didn't think for a fucking second no here you go here you go there is no bombs unit is there no porn stash now get back to work before we make you that had a dedicated over an undercovert housing escape border advisement government

to sped f and we're back for more of the masterpiece here and we're going to be returning to the action with cat the puzzling over that high-tech Counten stick with damage. She just can't math enough and figure out the code I reckon right exactly She's she's basically having a trying to math, but I can't because this is just a calculator That's not how science or computers work montage right pretty much here and then we cut the david in prison right and again like you know Jerry deaf desperately wants to kill him but they have to find Kathy and now

they've come up with this great idea of releasing him but put in a tracker in his boots or whatever so that he will lead them to her I guess right and there there's a great moment where he goes, you know, you killed that guy and David's like, I never killed anyone. He's like, you threw a pipe at him and murdered him and he's like, I didn't do it. He was going to shoot me. So I killed him. Yeah, well, and it's like, yeah, self defense is still very much killing definitely well, but but then he has this whole thing and where he's going like, well, I throw a pipe at him, but the pipe killed him when he fell down. So I had nothing to do with it. I was head when he fell. Why not my fault?

And it's like, yeah, man, that's very much your fault. If you throw someone down and they die when you throw them down, you kill them. That's how it caused an effect work. Yeah, exactly. There's a different kind of killing, but it's still definitely killing it's not it's not not killing anymore ambiguously see that wasn't exactly it was on ambiguous right so they release him and they and he's been being followed by nine guys with a loudly beeping tracking device right like he wouldn't

have noticed nine guys just being like beep beep oh don't mind us we're just uh we're looking for you he's a metal detector we're looking for bottle caps or something but he tricks them by removing his bugged boots that clever bastard how did he know and then he runs off and yes we get the Monty Python theme once again from the last movie I've been waiting for it the whole fucking time So now the soldiers are all chasing him and we get another chasing and damn it if there's not gonna be another helicopter in this one Yeah, exactly also he they all say no quarter no quarter which means shoot him with the guns That's what no quarter means means you just shoot someone

But then they all surround him with their guns and do not shoot him They just wave them menacingly yeah exactly and then the helicopter flies over to him and he grabs it And it seems like the helicopter's best plan at that point would be to just fly really high and wait right his escape plan is to leap onto the runner of the fucking helicopter and hold on which by the way that was a legitimate stunt i will admit for this movie that was pretty good and then the helicopter pilots are going like don't shoot them or will tip over yeah what Oh my god, you know the basis of how we fly is based on someone holding onto us. Oh Damn it. That's now in the calculations. So their plan now is to carry him far away from where all the guns are So that nobody will shoot him and they won't tip over I guess

I gently lower him to the ground tip over I guess and gently lower him to the ground which he does and then runs away. Yeah, and then he gets away with they'll with with the old if I stand here kind of behind this tree they'll stop looking for me pretty soon defense. Yep. And everyone again because all of these guys went to the Meta Gear Solid School of Soldier and they were like, well nobody there and there hasn't been for two seconds. So let's go. I'm going to go work for the people who you fight in Assassin's Creed. Bye-bye.

And this is when we get to Computers are evil. This is the computers are evil monologue. Yeah in the movie and he first of all the guy Rustaw and who's explaining why computers are evil, apparently doesn't know what computers are. Because he's going like, they pay your bills. They cook your meals. They cook your meals. They do not. They don't do that today.

No. They do not cook your meals. Does he mean grab up? You can order meals that someone else cooked, but they don't cook them. I think he was talking about microwave ovens. I honestly think that's it, because it's like that's a computer just like all of these other high-tech Buttons right well. Yeah pretty much things with buttons. That's that's what this movie is against is anything that has a goddamn

Button computers are evil. That's a very clear message of this movie and just in case you didn't get it we now cut to the cyborg anti-Christ. Right. And he's got little palm trees on either side of his golden throne, which means there was a meeting where he was like, guys, I don't think the golden throne is enough. Can we just get like, I want something a little festive, a little Florida, a little Florida in here. It's cold, I want to feel warm. Right.

And then they introduce him as his satanic majesty, which I thought it was supposed to be a secret that he was being butt-puppeted by Satan. That's a pretty strong giveaway. I wanted someone to be like, wait, sorry. Can you go back? And, but, you're right. Right, I'm sorry.

Did you say, Satan anyway? So, but now, again, like in every one of these fucking movies, I am so on the devil side because the the the speech that the antichrist is giving is basically where was God during our recent parals Yeah, his message is fuck you God and I agree yeah in this movie. Oh, absolutely now Again, we haven't really filled in the blanks here the last we saw of Kathy She was at the high priest thing, but now yes apparently she's at cage church Well some guy in a dress Yammer's on well the peyote wears off. Yeah, exactly and we're getting like cuts between this and forest fires and and it just like

It a frenetic psychotic pace. At which point I wrote only Jesus can prevent forest fires. Just smokey the bear standing next to Jesus. I'm just appointed in you. Oh, you have a fuck you. And then David shows up. We have not explained at all where he's been. How long he's been gone?

How he knew she was at cave church. He grew up here though. Yeah, he's been gone for a while he's got a full beard going now and they have a nice little hug right they have a nice botanic hug um and the world caught on fire while they were in cave church because they wander out later and it's just a burnt down hellscape to which Kathy says well anything ever grow again right and yes because we immediately cut to a lush green field

well and i love daniel then it goes like uh... well some grass will go for sure and like really you think that's how for as far as work they make it less likely for things for as far as you want to once there's fire it they never grow again right all of earth is a is a bear in wasteland and And so then they cut to this green field and because they have to then explain sort of the dichotomy between the fact that just in the very last She's seeing she was saying there will never be growth their greenery anywhere else in the world and then where in growth and greenery She has to say it's really hard to believe that 15 miles from here. It like the moon to which I wrote yes yes that's very hard to believe that is

impossible to believe there's no smoke on the horizon or anything yeah so apparently Billy found him a great hideout too in this new place where they are or whatever right and they go well I guess there is a mistake in the Bible because the Bible does say there will be no place to hide Yeah, you get it. Yeah, and I wanted him so badly to be like I guess there is a flow in the Bible because Jesus said mustard is the smallest We also defined pie is 3.14 and also that thing where we said stars would fall out of the sky That doesn't make any now that we know that they're not they can't fall out of the sky. Also turns out that bats aren't birds and rabbits don't chew their

cod and locals don't have. Just 44 more minutes. And also hey are we gonna go somewhere no I'm just finishing up on the flaws of the Bible also let's just talk about the things that are Physically impossible that happened okay, so there's a talking donkey. There's a guy who lives in a fish People who walk on water. There's unated flight Jesus this book is nonsense Nonsense Oh, I'm gonna great turn and then okay okay, so then the river starts menstruating because, you know, that's supposed to happen. The river's now a woman. Yeah. Also very unrealistic

that the river just turns to blood like that, because maybe if we had seen a scene where the river like picked a fight over what we were going to have for dinner two days before and I believe it can't just turn into blood with no one on river. Nothing. I don't know I'm just like super stressed out this week okay two days later the river turns to blood you see no that doesn't make my my river emotions a valet so David goes off to meet somebody about something and then we get another one of them high-tech calculator scenes again or she's just trying to figure it out and just calculate his heart as I can but that's not how math works so it's not gonna work oh actually though this time it does now well no because it her calculating

doesn't know no no the answer was the UP the giant newspaper size UPC code on the back of her book yes so it turns out the key to this all was the UPC. Now I want to spend just a second on this because the UPC code is the devil. That is to me as jet fuel doesn't burn that hot is to Eli. I got what I was in high school. There's these kids that were given out these little like Chick-Track things about how UPC codes were the devil because the two thin lines mean six and There's two thin lines at the beginning and two thin lines in the middle and two thin This has been my go to your fucking insane example for decades. Oh, I love that and I love it I collect I collect conspiracy theories and I'm gonna use that now. Oh, it's it's it's it's pretty awesome because most of them do have the two line, two line, two line

thing in the beginning of the line. You can even kill the guy that hit him with a car. Just by the way, just so everyone knows, you can look it up. It's really great. So yeah, so we get the quintessential insane thing. It turns out the UPC codes is where the devil was hiding the whole time. And then we cut to David who is meeting Leslie, the chick that got shot at me. Yeah, yeah.

They run into each other again and they immediately fall in love. Yeah. I've been thinking about you and I'm like, oh really? Camp Math Lady who's been living with you for 20 years for the life of her young child can't catch the D but wheelchair Mick gets shot in the chest. All of a sudden just automatically the love of your life child can't catch the D, but wheelchair m- get shot in the chest.

All the sudden just automatically the love of your life, fuck you David. Fuck you, it's the least likable thing that character does, and he tells people go off to meet her in a barn or something, but it turns out that it's the evil girl that sold them out from the last movie. Right, which means no sense. No, because nobody even... We've had a heard of this character before. We have no idea why this character is here.

No, and as far as we know, like there's not even a connection between these people, they don't even know each other, but at any rate. Exactly, General Goon is there as well. well yeah general goon shows up to capture uh... which they call him which is again why in earlier on i was like guys is this character's name actually goon but it's not he's just like calling him a name yeah that's the best they can do. So General Goon gets David and Leslie, and then Jerry and Diane show up to capture Kathy and Billy, and apparently they've turned into like machine gun tooting anti-Christ minions in the interim.

Right, they were handing out free food bars and working for the government, but now they're going to kill this woman and her son. Right, and so there are husband and wife, anti-Christ assassination, toddler murdering team, and they show up like the, the, the, the, Kathy, the mom says, Billy, go to your hideout so Billy runs away. Jerry chases him. And then something happens and I don't fucking know what it is so oh I know what it is well okay they imply it because then there's like this weird sound and everybody starts looking to the sky and I'm like oh it's a trumpet or something and I'm just I'm sitting there I'm like I

got my fingers crossed and like please be the locusts please be the locusts well I mean maybe it's like oh it's no because the shadow on the wall of the cave is very Clearly a scorpion tail. They didn't have the budget to make people face lie and teeth crown wearing scorpion Locus, but there's very clearly a scorpion tail that stings Diane and she screams and she dies She's got an off screen like a a 50s sci-fi thing Yeah, and and we're not going back to this by the way So like yes, okay, so apparently Diane got stung by a five-month Lion mouth human headed locust or something

And Ian and Billy are just gone from the and then there's a mushroom cloud. Yeah, well right. Yes exactly exactly I hope fuck not not exactly. Yes. yes no ifs and or butts about it uh... and then precisely yeah well i will use precisely so i think that's like paulutley dude bad man robin

so then we get a mushroom cloud and evil horse dreams and i think the quaker oats guy got killed at some point now yep daniel dan it died i guess and now they're in jail yeah so david is in his pillowcase of beheading and now like they were in the in the first movie that's what they put you in before they kill you and then they bring the kid in to talk to him and the kid has a balloon which was nice. Right, they gave him a balloon. If you have to keep a kid in a prison, my is a balloon. Yeah.

Right. And they told that the guards tell David we're going to chop this kid's head off if you don't tell us where Kathy is and at the whole time there's like haunted house screams in the background. Oh, yeah, it's a very clearly like, whoa. Put your hands into this bowl of grapes. I mean, eyeballs, fuck, honestly. It could not be less convincing. Well, it, but it sounds can, it seems convincing in comparison to the next

moment, which is David fake crying. Well, wait, they say, Hey, tell us where Kathy is or will kill the the kid and he does not do it. No. The protagonist of this movie is like, I guess that kid needs to die then. Just a reminder, this is now the second two out of three movies have involved someone being like, guess this baby slash child has to die. Yep, yep, and those are the good guys. I mean, like, yeah, that's it.

That's the protagonist. Sometimes that happens in movies with bad guys, but very rarely with the very rarely You have to have a really really bad guy for them to kill a kid But you have to have a really really good guy for them to kill a kid in these movies Apparently so now we cut over to the well first we cut to the balloon in prison and I wrote now We get to hear the balloon side of the story, because it was just like a shot of the balloon. I wanted the balloon to be like, you're probably wondering, what a balloon is doing in prison.

Well, me and this hell-bound kangaroo got together. Yeah. Yeah, so he's doing prison crafts with Leslie. Billy asks her, she's going to die. She drags herself across the floor. so like all the way across the cell She's at one end of the cell and she's in a wheelchair so she has to drag herself across the floor right They didn't give her a wheelchair all the way across the cell and goes yes. Yes. I am going to die Then she asked Billy if he's heard of Jesus and I wrote my notes. Yeah, Billy has heard of Jesus

Billy hasn't's heard of Jesus and I wrote my notes. Yeah, Billy is heard of Jesus. Billy hasn't heard anything except Jesus You should ask Billy if he's heard about where germs come from Okay, so apparently to this is oh god. This is so bizarre. She's made him a little book Yeah, she says I made you a heaven story book There's no words and pictures in it. I'm like, Oh, a blank book about heaven. That sounds right. Well, it's got different color pages. Yes. And if you've been around enough evangelical Christians, you already know what colors the pages are and what each color means. I

only know this because I got somebody gave me jelly beans that had little prayer son of so dude, I want to have eaten the shit out of those oh yeah No, they're going fat little Eli would have been a cure for that right away They would have been like you see Eli and okay honey you want to slow it up wow you just You're the gold ones were for no, I'm not even mad. I'm just impressed. I would have been like yeah, I'm Jewish Do you got any Hindu beans to all learn about whatever the fuck God you want Hit me with them Let's do it. So the um

So she's going through each color. She's like oh, this is a gold page This is for the streets of gold and and also the streets of heaven are made of gold Is that a thing according to the Bible it is which is first of all like just ridiculous unnecessary bling but secondly Wouldn't that be hard to get around? I mean they'd say who cares like I wouldn't care if the streets were made of that I don't want golds if someone's like you like gold streets right now I'd be like that I can dig up and spend on Hookers, I mean like that's not I don't want a street. That's that's just a shiny street Well, if you take a bag of it,

you can buy a loaf of bread. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, yeah, yeah, damn straight. But so then she goes on, and she's telling in detail to this, like four-year-old Ken, all about Jesus getting murdered. Right.

In disturbing fucking detail. The black page is sin and the red page is the blood of Christ. The moment you got to the blood, I would have been like, all right, not for kids, probably not great for kids. Oh, and by the way, the white page, that means cleanness. Rightness is next to cleanness. And then she asked this four year old old if he has ever sinned.

Oh, fuck these people. Yeah, and he's like, you mean have I ever been naughty? He's like, yeah, I guess so. And she's like, well then you're going to hell, Billy. You're bad, Billy. Bad. And it's because it's so clear that child, that child actor actor and that child character thinks that heaven is a place Like he actually thinks like oh, I'm just gonna get zooped away to heaven and that's that is who this movie needs to represent

Yeah, this movie can't have an adult because you can't tell that to an adult an adult You can't be like are you're going to hell Billy because an adult would be like no Why didn't you write this down? Why you have a multi-colored story? I dragged myself all the way over here. Yeah, you should Drag yourself back could just stayed over there and showed it to him But yeah, and then we go back to David's cell where we see the balloon rising outside the window Which David takes to me and they chop the kids head off and I'm thinking to myself at this moment They chopped the fucking kids head off. Oh my god. They killed the kid in this movie

They killed the kid, but they didn't they didn't kill the kid. That's too crazy They would never kill a kid right just too fucking crazy So they bring the kid in and it turns out that that wasn't the kid who was holding the balloon and got his head It chopped off that was Leslie. She gave She gave the kid gave the balloon to Leslie. He traded his balloon for Jesus. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I mean, I'm sorry, unmitigatedly. But basically, they're giving him one last chance the guards are to tell him where Kathy is or they're going to kill the baby. So he gets down on his knees and he tells the baby to go get his head chopped off like a good little Christian.

Yup. And he does. I was absolutely fucking like my jaw is just sitting on the floor as this character says, Now remember when they take you out there, close your eyes and the last thing you want to be thinking is how much you love Jesus or here's gonna burn you and fire for eternity with demons raping your butt So make sure you tell Jesus you love him and that is the end of this movie Yeah, the good guy conspiring to murder the fucking baby and Sir you remember when I said those two crazy I lied I lied to you You were listening to this and you love oh, it's not that crazy. We are wrong

You are wrong first they need to convince kids to die and then they killed the baby. That's how crazy this movie is. This movie ends with convincing a baby to die. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And then David goes off to get killed too, like a good little Christian. Well, he does a Matthew McConaughey Cadillac commercial monologue about how righteous it is to watch the maconnaie Cadillac commercial monologue about how righteous it is to watch babies get murdered. And then everybody dies happily ever after. Right, God loves us like an abandoned balloon. Right, so, okay, so be honest. Did you think they'd go baby murder? I did not think they'd go, I didn't think they had baby murder in them.

Were you expecting that? I didn't, I should have known, I should have known. It's on me to, the minute there were scorpions with people's faces and lions teeth i should have known i blame myself but they they went full baby murder you never go full baby murder okay so other than get you some Jesus quick before god torches you for eternity i'm having trouble figuring out with the message of this movie the reason i say that i obviously that's plenty of message but like

like clearly this it like computers are bad or u.p.c. symbols are like i'm not exactly sure what i'm supposed to be terrified of at the end of this thing other than christians i'm gonna go with my my message for the beginning which is i don't know anything about computers i don't know anything about the world the world is computers. That is the general message of this movie is like Calculators and microwaves are computers. They're both evil because I don't understand them

Locusts that sting you and you're alive in immortal for five months, but in terrible pain or real anything with a flashing 12 on the clock is of the devil apparently right well i love this movie way too much to ask the traditional like how bad is it type analogy thing at the close so i'm gonna go slightly different i'm gonna grant you e lie the power to raise russell s dot in from the dead long enough to remake any one movie in the history of cinema what movie do you have in remake and what does that movie look like? I have him remake Chinatown.

Awesome. With Jack Nicholson. Yeah. And the only difference, it's the exact same movie, except all of his monologues. He's just talking about Jesus and crazy shit. So it makes no sense. And then at the end, when he finds out that she's been fucking her dad he's just super into it and then he gets stung by a

locus of the lady's face well I guess that's gonna do it for our review of image of the beast but that doesn't wrap up the episode quite yet because holy shit they still have more to say after these three so Eli tell us what's on deck. Prodigal planet. Now the preview for this one was interesting even compared to the other two. I wanted to mention that the the the announcer guy he sounds like he's telling you time shares.

I mean he sounds like the voice at the zoo yeah you you will now be treated to a real expat opportunity enjoy your lobster dinner but then we're gonna give you a short presentation about jesus and also and now this is you can tell this one is even like the budget keeps going up y'all in this one we see in the one of the preview scenes two helicopters in the same fucking shot. Two helicopters, one shot. It's like helicopter lesbianism.

But we get plenty of Jerry, and we get a great shot of Jerry being, like he's, because Daniel Dennett is like, oh, those who will try to repent will no longer have the opportunity to. And Jerry makes a noise in the preview. it it's online it's super duper so it's like a thirty second preview he's like it's the weirdest noise

it's not even like a cry i don't know what i feel like he sat on his ball you remember that episode of threes company where he sat on his balls someone sat on his balls in a thing just Google sat on his balls at one point Someone sat on their balls. It's like that actor sat on his balls and they caught it on film and they were just like yeah That's the shot money shot right? It's fucking bizarre. I'll tell you what I'll I'll sneak that in at the close here after the fuck you I'll sneak it in at the close of the show his crazy little

High-pitched ball sitting on orgasm crying sound But clearly the message that we want to get that we want to send across here is that Jerry definitely gets what's coming to him Damn it, which is apparently sitting on his balls It also says that like this it says in the preview and I don't know about this shit Yeah, cuz I haven't looked into this but it says in two parts It's just the final part of this movie in two-part. I'm like no fuck that one part you get one goddamn part y'all No, you get one part. We got to move on. We got we got the movie so Exactly there's some more shit no one mentioned when we started this series that there were 85 goddamn movie

And you know what somebody sent me an email the other day that apparently they're trying to kick start a fifth one. Yes, I saw that and let's make, come on. Yeah, let's make that happen. Single-handedly. And then let's, let's grant it and then let's all pull the money out. You know how you can do it? How trolls have been doing that

to like charities for kids with cancers and stuff? Let's do that to the Christians for this move. Let's pledge all the money. And then when they go to collect, we just take it all back again. It's just me standing there with Russ dotting's dead body Just on strings Everybody it's me Russ. I'm sure sorry. I made all those shitty movies Yeah, no, that sounds like fun. I because when I do that to the Make a Wish Foundation I feel bad about it afterwards this time i can have the same fun and and still

be able to sleep at night that's this make a wish foundation thing is bullshit we all know it no one's ever made a wish to fuck somebody so they're obviously not asking for kids first which they obviously make you a list of by i'm just saying if i get if i get something right now none of my lists are gonna be newsworthy they're just gonna be like well I don't know that we can get Miss Akira here or ready in that amount of time also that's not your word to use but that's fine we're just gonna how about Disneyland would you like to be Batman? only if I get to fuck Alexis Texas you can dress me you want. I want to watch the latest Star Wars.

Okay. Oh, you know that that week. I want to fuck JJ Abrams, that's what I want to do. Against his will. I want to fuck that. That if you're going to kickstart your final wish, it should be against someone else's wishes. So with that little rape endorsement, we're going to bring episode 14 to a merciful

close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, we're going to bring episode 14 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make this show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful. That's patreon.com slash godawful. And there my earn early access to every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating atheists and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever Old's Podcasts Flip. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMovies at gmail.com, all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Jaraf Saad Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following the links on the show notes to this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, Ryan, and Eli

Bosnick, Hamd, and Oluzion promise and to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Why don't you go fuck yourself, you fucking fuck? To change your destiny