God Awful Movies - 143: The Moment After

Episode Date: May 15, 2018

On this week's episode, the guys team up for an atheist review of "The Moment After", the story of David AR White not having enough money to make a big budget flick like Black Rider just yet. --- To see Citation Needed live in Chicago on August 11th, [click here](https://www.eventbrite.com/e/citation-needed-live-in-chicago-tickets-45942658729). --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Let's be very clear about what happened behind the scenes here. This actor was supposed to break this wooden rockin horse was unable to. And so they changed it to you light it on fire. Because he takes like the seat and he's like, eh, eh, eh, eh, there's a lot of, it's actually glued pretty tight. He's like that proud boy trying to tear the gay rights post to good. Yeah, right. Heeey! And it's pinning me out, out, out, right.

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Myself included. Yeah, I know. Switched in right now. Yeah, this is from a different episode. All right. And of course sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic Noah.

I don't want to be this guy. I don't want to disagree with Heath, but there's a key twist to this one that kept me rooted to my seat. Is that now? Maybe it's because I'm a Jew who hasn't yet found Jesus, but this, I don't know what it's like. Anything, let's just say this,

this particular apocalypse is a real interesting character switch from one of their people. Yeah, yeah, no, we'll get there. We'll get there and believe me, we'll play it up because there's not much else to distinguish this from the other 19 rapture movies we've done before this one. teen rapture movies we've done before this one. How many? I've counted. I counted. This is our 20th rapture. 21st of you count Muslim apocalypse is two.

But yeah, oh my, and, and, you know, most of those are, our trilogy sent three of them have had David A. R. Whitenam. This is like our 10th David A. R. Whitenam. You could just spin the wheel of our notes and use whichever one or the other. So it does not matter. We need that deep learning computer that makes, A.R. White anyway, you could just spin the wheel of our notes and use whichever one you like. So it does not matter. We need that deep learning computer that makes that makes the script for the Star Wars movie.

Yeah. Right. And to do an episode of cam. Right. Especially if it's either a David A.R. White movie or B a Rapture movie or C tell us he's what will be breaking down today. We watched the moment after the David Awhite Rapture movie from 1999. We get 99 David Arwhite.

It's the best. And it's the story of how Jewish people aren't all as bad for the world as you think. Two of them were good. Yeah, right. There's Jesus, Jesus and one other guy Converted during the rapture of 99 the rest of them are bad though All right at Eli how bad was this movie? Well if you love the same old rapture movie, but there's not enough Virginal Jews turned Christians

You will love this movie. I know his movie is a little semi, but the twist is a real sticking point for me. I just wanna throw that out there. Really, kept me on the edge of my seat. All right, so I have to say this is a bit of a milestone for us. Now, I mentioned that this is our 20th, a rapture movie.

This also marks our 14th day, but a our white movie. Oh, he's made 28, we're halfway through his filmography, guys. Next week, we will be over half, but he's accelerating. We don't know. He could have some movies out by then. That's true. That's true. It doesn't take long to make these. Now, I want to share a personal story about this movie, because this is a really tough one to watch, right? There are movies that we watch like, remember Reggie's prayer where you're

just watching along and you just can't wait to see what kind of craziness comes next. This is not one of those movies, right? This is a profoundly boring. We didn't have the budget to make 90 minutes. We're trying to use this movie to basically sell someone on producing the second one. It's a trailer. It is. Yeah, right. So also my wife's out of town or dad's six or she's down south taking care of her dad. And I am completely fucked when she's gone.

I can't sleep and I don't know what day it isn't shit. So late last night, I realized that we were recording today and I had to finish this goddamn movie. I thought I had a whole nother day for it. So I get 10 p.m. I had to power through the last hour of this film. I was up to three in the morning because like it's one of those like it's one of those boy or the underside of those blinds dirty kind of movies, right? Like as you're watching this, everything seems like a good excuse to not watch this. Yeah. I at one point in my notes, have, I'm doing everything in my power not to watch this movie.

I'm having thoughts like, you know, I've been meaning to drill a second hole in my dick and it's like, he going, that was caught my pissing time in half. Here's the real key I know when I'm watching a movie that I don't want to watch is I pause it to take some notes and then I unpause it. And then I have absolutely self-destructive and rage thoughts and I have to pause the movie for a second. I'm like, why? I knew how that scene was going to happen. I don't even have a new know. Another second and a half stoop. Stoop, right? Stupid for me. Yelling stupid. Now I did. Got spiral. Johnny Cash's hurt starts to play.

Does there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? No, but I'm going to anyway. Best worst quick draw. Actually, this is the highlight of the movie. At 1.2 FBI agents, one played by David A.R. White, they both try to quick draw their guns. And it's, I'm pretty sure it's the clumsiest physical activity that's happened in the universe. Like somebody gets poked in the eye somehow, glass shatters for no reason. They definitely shoot themselves in the dick if they're using real loaded guns. Oh, it's May of 2018.

There is no question that we now know the majority of male movie stars can pull out their dicks faster than David or I can pull out. I just it's back. It's back in back in. I beat him so many times. It's not fair to compare. I could like though, that's, yeah, it's not exactly average. I was going to go with best worst.

Sorry, I thought this sentence was gonna end more profoundly. Right, there are so many moments in this, the writing is so bad in this. There are so many moments in this movie where everybody's like, they're building up and the music is reaching its crescendo and the guy pauses dramatically and then he says, so you guys want the coleslaw or I because they will give you the

coleslaw, even if you don't ask for it. And it's not. I have to tell them not to give it. I like because it gets on to the pickle. A little bit of they put, usually put it right on it or next to it in a little bit of leaks. And I like it is the egg in there. They think there's not. It's bomb bomb. Jesus. Right. Right. And I'm gonna move. I don't like it is egg in there. They think there's not I'm gonna go with best worst suits Days at a our white suit in this movie looks like he stole it out of a galaeth It is he looks like the only guy that ever got his money back from the men's warehouse guy. He was all this news like, oh, fuck, it's so good.

And the pie is like six feet wide. Yes. Like he's used, it's a spiniker. He's tacking and driving with this. It's the best. He looks like he mugged heath at Tom's wedding. It is just all nine feet longer than it is. This was 99.

He didn't really grow into his suit until the mid 2000s, a pair of fun fact, his hair, because he is clearly wearing a to pay of 2017 David A.R. White's hair throughout this movie, right? It's it honestly, it looks like he's going to turn at some point and the hair is not going to come with him. It really does look like that at any given moment in this film. I don't think he's bald, but damn did he look at there. All right, well, obviously we have some suspiciously abandoned clothes piles to get to,

so we're gonna pause for a quick break. And when we come back, we'll dive into the nearly inert action of the moment after. And do you fold the towels into hearts? No. Okay. If I email your concierge a guide, will someone do it for our room? Okay, I'll call you back. I'll call you back.

Hey Eli, what are you doing? Yeah, well it's with all the charts and graphs and stuff. Oh, hey guys, I'm just getting ready for our live citation needed in Chicago. Oh, you mean the live citation needed that we're doing August 11th in the city of Chicago, Illinois? Yeah, I mean, as you know, we hit our Patreon goal.

So Cecil and I are sharing a hotel room and I wanna make sure everything is perfect. It's just so many comparisons of bed sheets that's a lot of what you have here. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to get itchy when I'm snuggling my buddy. So look, Eli, the citation needed a live show on August 11th. It's going to be awesome. We have VIP tickets in the first few rows that include a meet and greet with us and the guys over at Cog Dis. We're even going to do a platinum night with a private never to be recorded live episode

of citation needed that includes dinner and drinks. Take it's available in the show notes so you really just need to focus on that and not on sharing a hotel room with Cecil. Okay. Okay. But will one of you text him and see if he's a bigger a little spoon? No. Big. No, I mean, no. No. Big. No, I mean, no, no. Ha ha ha ha you can expose it as lazily as possible without making it was a wizard. seem like an equally silly answer. I can white guy. I shoved a crystal in my hoo ha and all the people disappear. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, this is clearly the Christian rapture. I mean, the angels wrote and blood in the sky. Hey, just FYI, we're angels.

This is the rapture. I'm sorry to interrupt, but or did they? No, yes, they did. That's literally what happened. Or did they? Okay. Or did they indeed? Next up, the protagonist turns off the TV because someone has mentioned the rapture in the movie now.

And we're back for the breakdown. And of course, we're going to start this one off with a Bible quote about the rapture. Yeah, it's the rapture quote from first Corinthians, according to the movie, first Corinthians 1652. And no, it's not. It's 15. Like, it's been five seconds. It's been five seconds. Yeah. Zero seconds into the movie. And there are. But this is the quote with the, it

was the last Trump that causes the anti-Christ. And I knew there was a reason I didn't like Baron. And it wasn't just because he got autism. I knew there was another reason I didn't like him. It turns out he's an antichrist. So there you go. There you go. All right. So yeah, so we get this quote and then we get the rapture pan, right? All of the cliches that we've seen before in rapture movies must all be present.

So there's like a there's a phone off the hook. Waters boiling over the TV is static for some reason. Somebody was watching that. Yeah, well, but yeah, they were watching the static when the rapture happened. Clearly, yeah, there's a there's a radio that we can hear because you know, they were watching TV and listening to the radio when they got raptured. Yeah, because I fucking liked a party.

I liked a party. Also, the phone, this is how long it's been. The phone is making the like busy noise. And I was like, Oh, that was a thing. Phones did that, right? You call and sometimes they weren't always there. Sometimes the phone would just be like, Nope. Bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit,

bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit off the hook sound, not the, not the busy signal. So it's been even longer than you think. Words. So, so then we, we head outside the pan continues, we go outside and we have the typical naked kid panic that follows these things, right? And again, because we're going to be looking for differences from the 19 other movies we've seen on this theme. I liked this woman's off the cuff. Don't hide from mama. I was like, yeah, especially without your clothes.

That'd be the best of just naked little girl jumps out from behind the bushes. Ah, just fucking with you. I'm evil too. I'm evil. Got you. Got you. And we pan out to the road where there's this wrecked car that over wrecked car. Yeah, well, that is wrecked against nothing like the front is croupled in. And yet it didn't hit anything, right? I wanted to see that car like crashed into an angel. I wanted to come out and like slide an angel into the trunk. He's just like, I can't.

I got to you wise man. I'm a drinker. trunk. He's different. I can't. I got to you wise man. Yeah. I'm drinking it ran into a curb and the entire windshield is shattered across the whole front. She's like, I got to stop keeping bowling balls on ramps in my car. That's silly. Yeah. Right. So we get that pan. We see some used car salesmen stumbling out of the wrecked cars like, where did you go? That's how good the acting is and then we get the title screen the moment after and based on the title, you're like, yeah, David didn't always have those undead God budgets to work

with man. Yeah, just started to bottom there. All right, so now we cut to David A.R. White waking up and the credits are running over this and I just want my nose. I'm like, you know you're in for a God awful movie went all the credits are just the same names over and over again. They really are also credit to this movie. Another difference. The most realistic depiction of how I would encounter the rapture. If it was at 7 30 and the right, this actually started me wondering down a spiral of how long it would take Heath to notice the rapture. He's just like six

days later. We don't show up for the recording. He's like, ah, you get raptured. Yeah, what are you? Why would we not? You have no shot. I could be the one 44. You know, you have no shot, man. You you might be able to, you know, you might be a most wanted later. But yeah, okay. None of us would notice the rapture for a really, man. You might be able to, you know, you might be a most wanted later, but yeah, okay. None of us would notice the rapture for a really long time. I might see something about it on Twitter. Well, that's the thing. Yeah, we would have social media to queue us in for heath.

It would be like, yeah, I mean, like, hey, man, did you notice? You guys seem sad. You okay? All right. So Davey wakes to a persistent knock at the door. He goes downstairs. It's the FBI, but persistent knock at the door. He goes downstairs. It's the FBI, but he's also the FBI. So it's a really weird stupid way to try to confuse us at the beginning there.

So yeah, his partner comes to, he's like, everything's in chaos. Playing crashes, car wrecks, people disappearing, even George. Even George has disappeared. Now, George, we will learn is Davey's partner, normal partner of this guy with the ass on his chin is the new replacement partner for George, I guess. And this is Agent Baker. And can we take a moment to talk

about Agent Baker's physical appearance? All right, please, Les. He looks like he should be explaining to me the taxation is theft on a bus he snuck onto. It's, He looks like he should be explaining to me the taxation is theft on a bus he snuck onto. I feel like he should be like running through a nightclub chasing James Bond trying to shoot him with a silenced pistol. See, I just had him as Bill Hayter fucked a tapeworm. He looks like all the pictures that Fox News ever posted of a college rapist, fucks each other and this is the result. Yeah.

And also he has a ridiculous ass on his chin, right? I have him down as you said, his name was Agent what? Baker. Okay. I have him as Ask Chin throughout. Fair. Okay. So Ask Chin tells Davey that Georgianist kids have disappeared, but his bitchy wife is

still around that heathen and Now we cut to a Jew doing Jewie stuff and I guarantee you that's what it says in the fucking script Jew doing Jewie stuff Oh, no question and He turns around here and he has such a fake beard that I gasped is such a fake beard that I gasped. I can't. And he was like the elephant man taking his bag off. He might as well have turned around and it was drawn on in marker. It's so and it's all pubes.

Yeah. And I'm like, so he's in the proper. And he's like, so there's no right, just like non-croch hair that I can get to put on. Nope. It's just we only have. Yes. So guy in makeups just like, I merkins, merkins, merkins. That's all I got for you.

Come on down the Tony D's house and merkins. It looks like he glued pubes to like construction paper and then folded it over a bunch of times and cut out a paper doll chain and used it as a beard. Yeah, yeah. I added a Spanish moss. It's definitely not human face hair. So, yeah, so we see him and then he just looks up in the air like, I'll be in this movie too, huh? And then we move on to the FBI boss briefing all the hedonist agents on the rapture.

Many of the FBI agents, of course, were raptured away, but some of them are left. And his summer here is so bad. He's like, so people disappeared. And we did the missing person's thing, obviously, before that was massive and magical, but it's somehow still on us. It's, oh, look for clues. See how right, right. And this is the first instance of like, Look for clues. Right. Right.

And this is the first instance of like he's clearly supposed to say something dramatic at the end of this, right? He gives this huge pause. Like he's about to drop some prosa wisdom and then he's just like, good luck. He was like, wow, guy, really? But like, okay. So the assignment here is to solve the rapture? Yeah, also good luck.

Are you not part of this? Is he going back to work on the Jean-Benei Ramsey murder? Like what? Good luck to have, this is all we do now. Is how that should have ended. It's like this is it. Now moving forward, we're all on this. Yep.

And I don't understand what they're supposed to do though. It's like, all right, we're gonna go check for people, we have to confirm that people are missing due to rapture. I don't know how you would do that. And then he's like, all right, everybody's gonna get all the leads we have. I'm gonna put them on your desk. What would the leads do for this?

Like composite sketches of Jesus? To check for the guy all of a sudden he's a black guy for some reason. Why is he wearing the unibomber hood? I just like putting hood on people. I'm gonna be honest with y'all, I just like hoodie. Looks fashionable.

It's nice for summer, fast for winter, keeps it cool. Now we all show. Let me sketch guy. For some reason, before the, when everyone disappeared, we declared a national state of emergency, that makes sense. Also, martial law is in effect just because, you know, it's always good to have a little martial law. What does David A.R. White think martial law is?

Are you right? We've watched a lot of movies where martial law has been declared. There has been very little martial lawyng about them. He's pretty sure it means checkpoints. Yep, that's it. It means the entire military just spaces out along every road to the country and does a checkpoint like every five miles. That's martial law. Yup. Alright. So David and Ascian go to start checking on raptured people. And again, what are they going to do? They're going to show up and be like, okay, have you checked the couch cushions? Anyway, oh, and then we have to cut back to the to the Jew from before he went out and got himself a correct Bible one with Jesus in it. Yeah, he's flipping through quotes from the King James Bible. Like like rabbis usually do. Like

most will have in a glass case like break and case of rapture. He says, I'm James Bible. So stupid. In case of wrongness. Yeah, right. And of course, this is where he realizes he never should have been a damn Jew in the first place Right, yeah, and I wrote it in my nose He's he never should have Jude in the first place and spell check didn't underline that and I wasn't comfortable with that Also at this moment he goes to blow his shofar Yes And I'm waiting for a shofar sound right I'm waiting for this big dramatic moment just to come out is

A harmonica yeah, whatever noise it was I don't remember exactly, but it made no sense like a euphone Yomers I wanted him to turn around and Louis Armstrong to just be standing Oh, sorry am I interrupting you? Oh, sorry, I'm interrupting you. Yeah. You're gonna. Oh, yeah. And what was it supposed to be like, is this supposed to be like a siren for all the Jewish people to be like, oh, it turns, it was Christianity.

Yeah. No, nothing next. You over also blows his, you just get trampled by a stampede of rabbis. You learn it as a kid. If you hear the certain horn, we're switching religions. We have a Muslim one too. It's the sound of an explosion. Who's the...

Ha ha ha ha ha. All right. Someone wasn't ready for that. They're in their car right now and they're like, ooh, they're mad. Yes. Ha ha ha. All right, so we go back to Davey.

And they're interviewing a guy about his missing wife. This is the, the used car salesman we saw in the first scene, right? The one whose car wrecked against that imaginary obstacle. And they're like, he's like, here's a picture of her. She was a 1950s pinup girl apparently based on the picture. Is that who, like usually the current picture he goes, we've been married for 19 years. And it's like, all right, did you take another picture?

In that time, because this is her at high school prom. Okay. This is her at prom. Anyway, so they're like, yeah, so we were hoping you could have some kind of flashback or something, you know, some clues in it. So we get a flashback to them in the car. They're just like, did we do?

What do we need to do? Yeah. Right. You do it. Oh, God. How great would the scene be if David Archweitz just like, did we do it? Hey, what are you doing? Sorry.

I just thought maybe you want to remember something. I thought that's how it starts hitting a harp. Come on. All right. Sorry. I should have practiced. Um, all right. So we get the flashback. They were in a car and it's funny because they're like, they kind of want to show that he's the bad guy and she's the good person, but they're not really, you know, it's Christian. So him being bad is just like, oh, that's a nice boat. I'm jealous of him for having that boat. He might as well be

stealing a candy bar with Ray Comfort holding a sign next to him just like see. Sign. So yeah, so they drive around arguing for a second. And then suddenly she turns into light off camera, right? They couldn't afford the the effect there. So we just we see him looking at a bright light. And that's it. That's the whole flashback. Yeah. And then they go back to present, whatever. And he asks the cops. He's like, so yeah, she literally vanished into a flash of light. Do you guys know what happened? Or have you been investigating this? And what answer was he hoping for? Like, yeah, no, it's a new

DARPA project. We disappear suburban wives while driving. No, you fucking boy. We have no idea. Why do you have a lot of gluten in your diet? All right. So now it's that night. The, the Jew guy from earlier, the show, far guy is walking through an alley. So obviously some hobo is want to fight him. Why? Why would everyone immediately become a hobo? Because of a rap, just like you're driving along, your, your wife vanishes at her car. So you just grow a sloppy beard and you feel like a garbage can fire for no reason. Like why? You just wrap your belongings in

a hanker chiff, put it on a stick and ride the rail starts stealing pies off windows. This might be my favorite scene in the movie. I don't know, but them playing the bad guys that he had to like, because they literally go and this, this is not a joke. They go, hey, buddy, he said buddy got some spare change. And then he looked, he's like, he like gestures, and then like, hey, come with me. And then he looks at the other two guys who are putting their hands over the fire barrel and those actors freeze. They're just like, we're just supposed to laugh. So they just laugh. They go.

They were bad first edition Westworld robots this season. So all right. Now, David and Ashton have to interview even weak characters. These are the basketball players. Oh my, these guys are amazing. The beginning of the scene is one of my favorite moments in the movie. So he's, he walks over to a pickup basketball game and it's supposed to be like the ball rolls over to David, Arway and he's like, oh, here, here you go. They're like a little help. And you know, he throws it back in. But the scene starts and you can see the basketball players feet just into the frame and you can see him wait until they say action and then roll the ball.

They don't even do any sports and we get bad sports in here. Oh, David has to throw the ball back 10 feet max and he manages to look bad like almost trips and falls almost. Oh, no question. Also, I have questions about these characters motivations, like, right? Millions of people disappeared and these guys were like, I got a pickup game. I cannot miss this. He's going to be odd.

I'll look like an asshole. We're shirts this week, so I feel good about myself. I really, I don't want to. Yeah. So David A.R. White and Ashton have showed up to interview these guys about the Rapture 2. And they too would like to have a flashback about it. This happened at the middle of basketball practice that they had at 7.30 in the morning.

Do they do that? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. And they ask, are we in trouble? I want to, I want to give her a way to be like, well, the black one of you is the white guy whose forehead is so hard that you could sell ads on it. You're fine with that. Yeah.

Yeah. So planting disappeared clothes on the black guy. What are you doing? Nothing. Nothing. Let's go to the black guy. What are you doing? Nothing. Nothing. Let's go to the waffle house. Come on. How's she?

All right. So we get the flashback to them doing basketball. And by the way, the highlights, because we get some highlights from basketball practice, they're doing lay ups. They actually, a few of them actually know how to do a lay up so they give some credit. Well, right, but still, but would you, mean if you were going to show off your skills, would you want layup highlight? Well, it was better than the three man weave with the horribly fat guy also on the basketball

team. And it's the bet like it was me at basketball. Like, did you ever do the three man weave? You three, you have to let you throw it to the guy all the way out on your left and then you run behind him and then he throws it to the guy on the right. Is right. And you keep weaving like that. And if one person me is fat and slow, it really breaks down like the other two people are

weaving and they have to throw it like 20 feet back behind it. And it's really awkward looking and you feel stupid and then you have to, it's the worst that they showed that was that was. That was a little bit better than the layups. I mean, I've done a three man weave, but it didn't involve basketball. Well, right. So yeah, so then in the middle of practice, everybody turns into light off camera, and they're gone. In case it didn't sink in for you in the car,

they felt like they needed to revisit this. But no, no, this happened to black people too. Some of them got to go to have, I don't know what we're establishing there. And then we turn to like in universe TV, we're going to watch a show called views, just views with Peter McCullum. They, I love how they, they can't make up fake names for things in any of these. Right. They were like, what do we call TV shows of view? No.

Let me finish the daily show. No, just show every once in seven times. Show Michael show Walter. Yeah. So okay. And oh, yeah, right. Like the experts that we get, their names are so bad that like most of them get underlined by spell check when you just write them out. They're like, that's not a fucking name man. But we have the mandatory that we have the three dudes there. We've got the scientists, the Christian, and the astrophysics and alien research experts. Yeah, that okay. Okay. First of all, they call them the president of APEF, the astrophysics and

extra terrestrial foundation, not the acronym would go. Do they think those are two words? Astro and physics? Absolutely do. I'm the head of the B and B society, the biology and big foot society. We are all but educated and we also are looking for Cain. But that would be more like I'm the part of the B O B L society

Yeah, right, but yeah, nobody studies those like I have a PhD in physics plus aliens So we get the introduction and also like okay, so throughout all this Davies flipping channels But apparently views are on all the odd number channels because he keeps coming back to it. But he flips away from, we get this PSA about how everybody has to be counted by the special senses, you know, that's the bad guy in this movie is the sense. It's pretty sensitive. It's the antagonist makes a lot of sense after a rapture, by the way, you do want a good

head count, right? That makes sense to me. We tried the big lining up thing, but some assholes kept saying different numbers than one, so we're just going, but they're all like, am I being detained? No, we're just fucking counting. Yeah, we're just like millions of people disappear. Just so. So he flips away from that back to views and we get the scientist lady explaining what science things happened. It's that Gaia Disappeared people because of

The ecosystem Fucking what and at this point she gets interrupted by the mandatory Christian that's always in these scenes and he's like oh blah blah blah It was a fucking wizard. It's wizard idiot. Yeah. And of course, alien guy. And that's what I love about this, this, like this movie admits that it's audience is the kind of person that would be equally split between their religion, science and UFOs,

right? They feel like they've got to, well, you know, they could have just got teleported away like in Star Trek. So they've got to knock that down too. Most fair and balanced TV show. There is perfect. Yeah. So they ask the Christian guy, they're like, okay, if you think it's the Bible, how come

you're still here? And just once I want the Christian to be like, Oh, honestly, I was mid kid fuck like I was. And it's just then my boner was there. Just like a towel rack just hanging out. And of course, through all of this again, Davey is flipping channels and he also is flipping to the news here and there where it's like, people are dying and stuff is bad. We don't really know why, but it's important for the short of the whole theme of this General badness and there's there's like military stuff going on in the background the military extras are my favorite one guy He's supposed to be like the leader guy guys. He's supposed to be talking on his radio

But instead of moving his mouth like a fucking human being He's just making crazy faces like he's having a weird moment in a mirror makes no he's going, what up about a baby? Like it's so stupid. They're all handling their guns like they're in an Ed Wood movie. They're doing like square dance moves with M16s. It's so ridiculous. One guy's using it as a jackhammer and the other guy's bouncing on it. It's a whole thing. Oh, so he switches back to views. Like, by the way, some of the news channels he's switching to seem to have three news casts

going at the same time or whatever, just to really emphasize how bad it is. He switches back that the Christian guy says science is validating the Bible over and over again. And we'll quick before anyone can say can you give us an example Davey turns off the TV. He's like, yeah, that's all the information I need. Okay. Okay. All right. So the next day, Davey and Ashton are riding around some more. This is where Ashton points out, he's like, I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. My family were all a bunch of heathens and shit so we're fine

is also where we learn that his wife is pregnant now we're gonna get an answer this question but I had this whole moment of conflict now where I was like wait don't Christians think fetuses are babies so wouldn't the fetuses get raptured like I was right trying to puzzle that through. Absolutely. I like, like, fetuses don't count according to the movie at this point. And I feel like David A.R. White had a personal meltdown trying to work this all out in his head. He wrote it, but the writers or him or whoever, like, okay, does the rapture, would that that would count as abortion?

So that normally aborted fetuses go to heaven. So we're pro-abortion. I don't, I don't like brain questions in my face. Like, I feel like they freaked out. I'll be my trailer. And just how do you like genuine question? How do you think the rules work? Like do like to use tampons become clean all of a sudden.

The condoms just empty out the all my socks are straight. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a whole bunch of condoms and socks and you stand on floating up to have it. Oh, you hate to be that angel, right? You get your assignment.

Someone's got to take like, burack the palm of the Pope and you got to go down and gather 600 pieces of socks from underneath teenage heaths bed. I'm so guy. You're new. You have to work Thanksgiving. You're so guy. What? We're all excited. Simultaneously bullshit. I have pink eye. All right. So they get you another house to interview someone else who's had someone raptured. I wonder if we don't have this point in the film. Most of the film has been the two of these two guys turning down beverages, right? From people who clearly fucked kids, people who clearly are like, well, that was freebie, rapture worked out. There. And we have to establish right away

that this is a crazy Christian person's house, right? It's got prayer hand paintings everywhere and scripture up on the wall. You know, it's like a crazy ladies front yard in the house. But they were interviewing this lady who was, I guess, the live-in nurse for this elderly Christian couple. And she thinks that the old people dying

was quite beautiful. Yeah, and there's this great moment where they're like, wait, you were the live-in nurse? Well, why are you still here? And she says, she says, oh, they left me the house, which kind of makes it better. But I really wanted her to just be like, I mean fucking free house, right? What are they? They got poofed

The house. This is where I live. I was small my shits here. That's moving So she too has a flashback She was in the middle of nursing, you know, had her stethoscope and everything in the middle of nursing, you know, had her stethoscope and everything. She's taking the old lady's pulse. Yeah, I guess. But like she's strangling her wrist, like she is not taking a pulse. She's got her, she's, she might as well be describing wrist control to the old lady. You feel that?

You feel that? Total control. All right, all right. She's doing the stethoscope and an anal thermometer at the same time. I'm just going to double team this. Perfect. Multitask.

And then the old man comes in to see how she's doing and that's when they get raptured off camera right again. Right, but first they've got to be like, hey, you see that? Oh, right, right. Yeah, these. Yeah, that's the first time we see that the people who are getting raptured actually see Jesus coming.

I would love to see what they're seeing there that they universally look up and like, oh, rapture. Is that Jesus an eningious suit on the ceiling? That's it. All right, let's do this. Beard sticking out, yeah, that'd be great. So, anyway, and then as they're leaving,

we get this amazing setup on the dialogue. The partner says to David A.R. White, he's like, it seems odd. People vanishing and nobody knows what happened to them. Like, you've been on this case for days. You're just noticing that it's odd. He's like, when I'm figuring out the physics of mass human vanishing. This would be a dumb movie.

So yeah, okay, so now that they look at the next person on there go and ask them if they know what happened list and Wouldn't you know it is George's wife? Remember George the partner that his him and his family all disappeared except for the wife. Anyway, they're gonna go interview her now. But before we get to that, we've got to cut back to the ex Jew. This is where like we see them like starting their new secret church

by cutting a padlock off of a building they don't own. Yes, him and his now band of hobos. Yes. Armory band of hobos, our Mary band of hobos, breaking into a Christian center because like, they're the new Christians. And it took me until just now, with the words coming out of my face to realize, they're still supposed to be good guys who break into a Christian center after the rapture and just set up shop. That's what the good guys do. They're Jews for Jesus now, so they still have some leftover bad in them. I don't know.

I don't know what the message is. Like it might as well show like every person in Utah wearing black face. Like the message of the movie is not good. Uh, it's okay. So now we go back to David and ask him, they're going to go see George's wife, but she's in a psych facility. And before we have, we see her, we have Nurse Ratchet giving them the state

of the right speech, you know. She goes, you know, we had to set up a giant loony for all the people who saw their friends and family vanish. Your friend is locked inside what is a kindergarten classroom, you know, to help. Yeah, exactly right. So they go in, and of course, What is a kindergarten classroom, you know, to help? Yeah, exactly right. So they go in and of course she's staring to the right of the camera like crazy people do.

Okay, why is everyone in a mental hospital always wearing the same thing? Like is this a procedure? I wonder how this works. Hi, welcome to the mental hospital for people who have mental illness checking in. I want to know how this works. Hi, welcome to the mental hospital for people who have mental illness checking in Yeah, I've been experiencing a lot of it doesn't really matter. Here's your checkered robe thing You're gonna want to put that over food covered t-shirt and sweatpants. I'm actually perfectly capable of Okay, come here. Just gonna give you a little Toss-o I'm actually perfectly capable of okay come here just gonna give you a little Tussle Out okay, what are you doing in my hair? It's a mental hospital gotta have messed up hair

Why do I Holy shit what what was that? Oh, you know just just crazy people noises Are you gonna are you to check on the person who made those? No, sir, no just crazy people noises happens all the time. I'm sure he's fine. I am I feel like you to check on the person who made those no just crazy people noise this happens all time I'm sure he's fine. I am I feel like you should check okay, okay So so pill time is when the giant red bell goes off adheres your wheelchair I can walk fine No, it's not for it's not for moving. It's for sitting in and Mumbling

That like him. Okay, it makes more sense. I know exactly. Um, okay, so we meet her and and then she too has to have a flashback, right? This is where we have to meet George for the first time. Yeah, his name is George Harris, by the way, again, they were like, what's a fake name that nobody started on? George Harrison. Harris. No, Chris Harris. I said, her George Harris.

Cause he's black. That's what I was. Never mind that last thing. By the way, this is Denny from the Cosby Show. Yes, it is. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, right. It's funny, like, because sometimes it's like actors that you really recognize that you're

like, oh, and then he's one of those actors that you're like, oh, good, he's still working. Sure. He did something else. I think we could all say this is the worst thing anyone who was in the Cosby show ever did. I'm moving on. All right. So now she was asleep on the couch. She came in from his overnight shift at like six in the morning, but they have to have

like the two of them have to have one of those one piano noted a time conversations about how she should really join his church. What a coincidence that they'd be talking about this the morning of the rapture. It's so good. He's like, yeah, you should come to church with me. He's like, no, I don't know. Let me think about it. There's plenty of time to get saved, right? And he's gone. Yeah. Right. Famous. That's words. I wonder like turn away to grab a sip of a coffee and be like, you know what? Sorry. One second.

Got a little something. I am. Oh, I was literally just going to hire. It's what I like. Because a few people are going to be giving a speech about the rapture exactly when it happens if a rapture happens and it's going to be the greatest argument winner ever. Like, if I'm a Christian, I'm carrying around a mic at all times that I'm just like waiting for the ultimate mic drop, just like, always like every time I see a light, I'm just like, oh, make a better rapture drop. Oh, no, damn it.

I'm going to be ready now. I'm going to have that. And then, of course, we see now, this is the one group that we actually see getting raptured right right they don't do it off camera they turn to light right before our eyes and of course they see Jesus coming and George realizes oh fuck wife isn't going to come and he looks over at her the last second like you fucked it up. You fucked it up. I want to see the ninja Jesus like work now. Like he just jumps down. Like throws a smoke bomb and like awkwardly drags the matter of the room and the mom's like, all right, I see it. I see it.

Shush, shush, shush, shush. Way cooler before you all had chariots of fucking iron jam. This is where she goes. George warned me. And I just wrote, yeah, but just like putting your water glass too close to the edge of the table and the rapture, you didn't listen, did you? Anna. Anna. Yeah, I'm glad we're cutting. We're just going to skip over her crying at the end of the, because that was pretty

goddamn awful. Like occasionally it was just yawning. It was, yeah, yeah. It was real bad. I went to Pornhub. This point for a little bit came back. By the way, I want to see the rapture happen a few other places. Like they show us like stand like, okay, here's a family, here's a husband and wife

driving, but like, what about like at the orphanage? Like parents get one step out the door and the kid manages just like, Mother fuck. You got to give me store credit. They go back in, start arguing at the counter. Give me that kid. Give me the weird one. I mean, he's still here.

He's still here. He's still hasn't here. He still has some Hindus. So child soldiers, right? No, we won't be taking anyone today. We're still here. That is not what we want to take on. So okay. So they're leaving the interview in the psych ward and the guys like the Afton is like,

hell, that rapture thing is a good theory, but I know it's wrong. And I'm like, well, then it's not a good theory. Yeah. Also, he really buries the lead on that. He's like, ah, I used to go to church all the time. It's this whole thing where Jesus comes. Yada, yada, yada, you want to come over for dinner tonight? She's making Feta Chiini.

I know you like the Feta Chiini eyeball monsters too. I just don't worry about it. I just don't worry about it. Yeah. Well, and of course, Davey has to be that caricature of what they think that non-Christians are who's like, rap tour. What is this thing that you're talking about here?

So he has to give it going to at least some amount of detail as to what the rapture is. But just then, ask Chin gets a call that his wife's in the hospital. So they go to the hospital, the doctor stops me, he's about to go in and he's like, I want to warn you. You can't go in there yet. Her unborn baby was raptured away to death.

But the way the doctor says it is so weird. It was like, your wife's fine. Your baby didn't make it. He's a boy was a dead baby boy. Sorry. Yeah, right. She's like, Morgan, can I come in again? It's still a baby boy. boy, but it's a heaven.

It's no dad one god, who raised your hand if you have a son, not so fast. There we go. It's my first day. I'm having a weird first day. All right, so janitor keeps fucking with me. Rapture. He goes to see his wife. She's super sorry about accidentally killing his pre-kid.

She seems overly apologetic about this. I thought she was going to be like, honestly, I just wanted to see if the hanger would fit. I didn't really want to do any. I just thought, be a fun thing. You'd come home and I'd be like, is this your shirt? And you'd be like, then I felt it hook on something and I thought, good, this is, I don't want to get into it. The whole conversation has the weirdest tone though. First, Ascian's like mildly perturbed about his baby being disappeared, his feet,

and then the wife is like weirdly apologetic. Yes, she's like, yeah, I'm sorry. I lost the baby and he's like, you're forgiven this time. You get one. And I'm barren. You can hit me if you want. He's like, nah, but thank you for saying. Obviously, I can't.

It says so in the book. I want to lean down and be like, hey, so I invited someone you for saying. Obviously, I can't. Obviously, I can't. It says so in the book. I want to lean down and be like, Hey, so I invited someone over for dinner tonight. Is that something I should have? We have one box of fettuccine. Did you did say you were going to make chicken fettuccine? Yeah. I'm still hungry like. Also, I want to talk about this wife's physical appearance. She looks like God

was going for fuckable cabbage patch doll, right? It's a very weird and failing it. Yeah. More stuff of a cabbage patch doll. It's a very weird combination of baby and human. So, okay. So meanwhile, Davies checking out George's house in a thunderstorm for no goddamn reason. But we see on the way out, like his house is in foreclosure. So apparently, like, they have a, like a 10 second rule on houses here. Right? He's been raptured for a few days. So his house is in foreclosure.

Oh, and when he was walking around the house, I was just like, please find Jesus stealing jewelry. Please find Jesus Is that figure this would be the best time? So okay, so he goes in and now he has a flashback to him having dinner with George and his family Right, which is Fedichini again Yeah, so just to be clear David A.R. White has done nothing to characterize himself in this movie. So the only characterization we will ever get of David A.R. White's character is that he fucking loves beddichy. Yeah, right. He was psyched about this when he wrote it.

He's like, oh, I'm going to call back forward back to my character in this flashback. It's a genius. Yeah, it really ties it all together. So, and also because David A.R. White loves to do dishes with black men, there's a, like, how many times have we seen him in this exact scene where he's doing dishes with his ethnic minority friend talking about Jesus? I wonder if David is always trying to turn that into like a car wash situation. So it's like, oh, soapy water all over us. Just do the scene. Splash fight. No, no, every time.

I always say no. I got to write my nipples again. Oh, it's on your crotch. Let me get it. Let me get it. So they, uh, they washed some dishes and they talked some Jesus and the conversation they have is so painful Right, like David airweights like well, yeah, but I mean Buddha said some good stuff and Muhammad said some good stuff. First of all, Muhammad did not say

Muhammad did not We read the stuff in Muhammad's Let's be super clear about this. How about the not about the same message about Jewish people as this movie. Yeah, right. Um, and, and then George goes like, yeah, sure, there's some truth in Islam and Buddhism. That's what makes them so dangerous. Now, I'm sorry, none of the other religions, at least as far as I know, make movies about how wrong the other guys are, right?

Balganesh didn't stop in the middle of it. Look right at the camera and say, I'm Christians, there are a bunch of Fox, right? Am I right? And by the way, does it not get weirdly racist for a second when Denny starts talking about the Bible? He picks up like nine different old timey black stereotypes all at once to explain it. He's doing soft shoe. He's like, he's saved the world. Lonnie Lord. Yeah.

Smell different. It's really bad. Yeah. He's quite giddy about it. It'll and then just as you're thinking like, wow, this has become very stereotypical. His wife comes in and says, who wants to watch the basketball? Is that black. Get it. I have watermelon.

Yeah. David A.R. Like clearly was about to say something there, by the way, and they definitely had to cut it. They were just like, whatever you were about to say. I like two seconds later, he was like, Hey, let me ask something. Like, can I say the end word? Cause we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like,

we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like,

we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, we So, okay, so that flashback wraps up quick before he says the end word. And then we get an ad for the soundtrack. The lyrics here are basically like, when your friend got raps, you then you're investigating

his house. I just have music. No, this is actually half a step too high for me. Oh, we're recording. I'm sure it'll be fine. Cheese. Cheese. Oh, we're recording. I'm sure it'll be fine. Jesus. Jesus. Oh, wow. I just down a third and I would really. This is where Dave is going to buckle down and do some Bible reading. Oh, it's the best.

It's a sad music montage in the rain while reading a Bible that he got from somebody else. Who is an 80s sitcom actor. It's like the entire board. Yeah, the entire board like he might as well walk over a bed lay down, snap back up and be like, fuck you no illusions. His mom walks in grabs a leg cancer and just dies of leg cancer right there. Also, is it weird? There's this montage a little more sensual than the other ones, right?

Like he's rolling up his sleeves and getting hungry. He literally rolls up his sleeves. And he has trouble. He almost rolls up. Yeah. Like, I thought a basketball was going to just fly in and hit him in the face too. Like he has a lot of trouble. I thought he was going to start jerking off.

And if he had, I wanted the camera to like jerk with, sorry, sorry, we thought he was going to study the Bible, but he said, a little candle. Our pictures, my daughter, no, but

it's so rolling. In the set of the porn that was hidden in the Bible, no, he actually reads the Bible by candle. It starts towards the end, you know, like they do in movies, we just start reading the book. Solomon stuck together. All right, and then we have to we have to head over to ask Chin and miscarriage wife in their sad dead baby room. I love this because this scene serves no fucking purpose whatsoever except for the wife to say, oh, my sister was right this whole time. Amazing how much of these movies have to be like people going,

man, was my annoying Christian relative correct when I when I argued with them so much. And she's just like throwing all the baby stuff into a giant pyre in the core of the room. Yeah, you thought that was a joke when you wrote. I did. I did the dumbest fight. No, it's definitely the rapture, honey. It's not the rapture. Like I wish you wouldn't raise your voice. Maybe I'm not yelling.

I'm trying. You're interrupting and I'm trying to get through my point. I'm sorry. I'll have a baby if your tone was nicer. Oh, God. And this conversation ends with him being like, it's not a rapture. We're good people. And then he goes out to the garage and I wanted it to be full of dead kids so that he was just like,

okay, maybe we're not good. Maybe. Well, okay, look, but the music and the cinematography expects this to be a garage full of dead kids, right? Instead, he's got a little wooden rocking horse out there, but they are trying to make that seem ominous in sinister, like he kidnapped that rocking horse. Also, let's be very clear about what happened behind the scenes here. This actor was supposed

to break this wooden rockin horse was unable to. And so they changed it to you light it on fire because he takes like the seat and he's like, he's a lot of it's actually glued pretty tight. He's like that pro boy trying to tear the gay rights post. And it's pinning me out, out, out, right. So now, so as steady takes it outside into his yard and just sets it on fire in the yard with, with the gasoline that they keep in a bleach container. You know what?

Which is not a good system. No, no, where's the bleach then? Oh, it's in the milk carton. We put that in the milk. Huh? What are you talking about this? And then he conjures a fireball at a no. Yeah, right.

I just wrote in my notes to me, if he burns that rocking horse whenever he's upset, it's kind of his thing. Yeah. So, all right. So elsewhere, by the way, that's the whole point of that scene. Just somebody had to burn a rocking horse before it was over elsewhere. To Jack did homeless Christians are singing hymns doing communion. They're super happy. This scene is amazing. Everyone who ever appeared on to catch a predator is doing a sing-along

thing, including the little bait girl. So it's, it looks like it's a cast party for the first six seasons of to catch a predator. Like they got together after that dentist shot himself in the head, had a nice like marshmallow roast, bait, thorough and all the pedophiles. All right. So now we're popping ahead to four months later, quite suddenly. And George's wife is finally being released from that psych ward. Apparently the woman who runs the thing, nurse ratchet from before, her uniform has

become way more sinister. Oh, she has every evil thing at once now. Like she's all black, whereas she's got shoulder, shoulder pads, angling up at a 45 feeling horns pulled back into a tight ponytail. It's like Mick Jagger. And basically their thing is she's like, okay, so you've been here for four months. According to these medical records I have right here that you can't see. It's time for you to suck it up buttercup. Yeah. So you get four months for a dead family. So there you go. Yeah, kid.

Yeah. She's nice to know she has the same health insurance as we do. Right? Yes. Oh, sorry. Four months. Yeah, you're done now. Oh, and also, of course, they say you're free to go, but you have to report to your local

census station because the devil. And I'm like, you couldn't just count them there. You couldn't have somebody go because you had them all locked up. And again, no, this is supposed to be so dramatic, right? It's like report to the census. It's mandatory and it's the long form. I think that's what I might believe for work and shit isn't it? Yes, it is. My name and capital letters. Oh, what is my social security number?

Why do I never remember it? So, all right. And now, I mean, it's been four months since the rapture. So it's about time for a presidential address on this topic. Yes. And I always like to play the game. What race is the president when we watch these movies, right? So we get a white guy president here, but it's always fun to see what they do with the president.

It's always a white guy. Oh, it's Bill Clinton. I mean, it's 1990. Yeah. And then they hated Bill Clinton because he was not religious enough. He was Democrat. So it's just like, um, smell Clinton. Right.

Got blown by a Jewish lady didn't get raptured. Here I go. Yeah. I know if it was 2003, that it would have been the vice president addressing us for sure. Yeah. So the president is there to tell him that they since, since it's the rapture or since people have disappeared and we have no fucking idea what happened to him, we need to change all our money into global credits. You see how that Stamps for the one thing leads to the why do One world government in like a day the next day one guy owns the entire world and it's like Millions of people disappeared naturally. We are all the Soviet Union now

Right and all the dollars are Bitcoin. Everybody should calm down. This will be perfect. What? I don't know what happened. Like it gets that people walk out of his office. He's alone for a minute and he's like, switch to Euros. I'm sorry. I just, no one came in for a minute.

No, I just, I, I, All right. Yeah. And the president might as well at a certain point in this talk. And like, I, I realized we're fast forward and through a ton of shit here, stay with me. Way more satiny government here, chip in your hand. Oh, God, Jesus, what else? What else? Horse

scorpion, horse scorpion locusts? Are we really going to know? We don't have the budget. Those are moving to that. Let me explain the blockchain very slowly. Jesus. All right. So yeah, we get the president. He tells us we're going to have a way more satiny government. And we see a bunch of the various characters from the movie listening to or watching that. And we end with the secret underground Christians who are now in a goddamn barn. A barn. Okay. I don't want to be this guy, but we haven't addressed it. It's been 19 movies. Why do people go Christian after the rapture? Is there a do over at some point later? Did they get a you get a second? Isn't there a second one? Yeah, you're in time for like the big

one thing at the end when Jesus comes back. Yeah, right. Well, actually, no, it's completely a biblical, but yes, that's the way they see it, is that if you can stay Christian through the tribulation, you can still go to heaven. But that's not in the book, right? That's just like, no, not in the book. Yeah, that's the wrap-up.

The wrap-up. And after the book. No, they're not in the book. They're not in the book. They're not in the book. I've really stretched it even to get a rapture. Yeah, exactly. Okay, another question.

Yeah, you mentioned it. They're in a barn like all full of, hey, why not an actual house or houses? Just like everywhere that are empty. Like I wanted to see them argue about this. Just like, dude, why are we all, there's like 40 of us. Why are we cramming into this one barn? There's empty house. We're doing the barn thing.

It's like the manger. I'm trying to do it. I like it here. You know, I actually wrote right in my notes here. If this Jew cuddles up in a manger tonight, I'll be 0% surprised. Talk me in. Talk me in. Use your ponytail. I love the moment to where like the little girls like, are we going to be okay? And we're like the little girls. Are we gonna be okay? And he's like, yeah, God's gonna be with us. And I wanted to be like, isn't he the one who created this whole fucked up situation to begin with though?

I mean, yeah. Yeah. Well, I love that he doesn't say yes, because she's like, are we gonna be okay? And he's like, you know, they're red and blue fish. That's it. That's fish. Okay. Bye. I'm going to go get us a black lady because it feels racist in this barn. Right.

He tells everybody's like, Hey, stock up on supplies, you know, non-specific, just, you know, why would there be a giant rush for supplies? It's just like, Christian people? It's just a big thing. It's not a nuclear hot cost. It's just like, Christian people leave. It's a good thing. It's more resourcey opposite. There's so much extra freeze dried food now. I know.

Right. All right. So, okay, Davie and Ashton, we come back to them. They've got to go see the boss. Apparently, after four months, they're going to take them off of the what happened to those raptured people case. And David Aarway, it's mad about it. He's like, what the fuck, why would we stop looking for the warlock finished everyone? That's what we're doing if we're not doing that.

What the fuck have they been doing for the last four months? Yeah. And this movie feels so rushed because he goes, yeah, we're giving up. We're not doing that anymore. Also, apropos, nothing. This seems like a real transition. Find this Christian guy and kill him. Yeah, right. You, that seems weird, right? That's the only thing that's connected. Hard right. Hard right. Radical Christian terrorist is starting up an army out of a barn. You need to get them. Yeah. That's the new plot. Yeah, exactly. And of course, as they're going to leave the boss, Paul's Davy back in says, Hey, man, what's this shit with you

not getting your devil chip implanted yet? Huh? Who gets your devil chip? Okay. Can we just take a moment to discuss how dead heath would be in the rapture? Just like, you need to get your chip done. Ah, Wednesday's not good. I wanna, I don't like, I don't like wrist chips. I'd get the chip. I like chips. Oh, you'd get the chip.

Okay. Yes. I would totally get the chip. Hell yeah,. Oh, you'd get the chip. Okay. Yes. I would totally get the chip. Hell yeah. That would be so much in my head. I'd be the guy you got in my head. If they just said, Hey, look, you know, you're going to be marking the devil and the rap just real and Christian apocalypse, but you won't have to put your fucking credit card in there and wait for it to be in the chip thing that they have. You just be able to, you just be able to hold. Yeah, I would do it. I would do it just to get rid of that. But knowing you, your chip would malfunction and they'd always be like, I need your code sir. And you'd be like, it's 150 digits. And they'd be like, sir, you're raising your voice.

You'd be like, fuck, and I'm over there just pressing my forehead on the scanner. I'm the scanner. Why would they even give me the forehead option? You guys look so dumb. Come on, get your payment. Go on, get right here. Now reach over your little counter. So if you want to those giant receipts, they kissed you. All right. So now we cut to George's wife, chilling in the park. And the secret Jew Christian is behind her throwing rocks in the pond in some of the most awkward blocking I've ever seen in my life.

And also she officially rejects the census at this point, which is shown to us. She does, she pairs up one piece of paper that just says like census. Yeah. And she's like, fuck the census and like puts it in her pocket. Yeah. More or no.

And yeah, and right after she does that, the the secret Jew comes up behind her like, like he's gonna strangle her. Oh, I wrote he's gonna hit on her. How refreshing. Yeah, right. Well, it's creepy as fuck what he does. He's like, hello, Catherine, I have a message for you. She's like, what do I know you? And he's just like, well, Jesus loves you. It's so creepy. Like I wanted him to get maced.

Right. He's like, oh, stop. Jesus. I was gonna say Jesus loves you. Oh, he keeps happening. I love to. There's nobody impressed when I know their names. I love to. There's nobody impressed when I know their names. Yeah. Another, another great moment of like, they build it up like he's gonna drop some pearls

a wisdom honor and all he says is Jesus loves you. And then he leaves the dot, dot, dot, dot open and they're like, oh, there's more. And he's like, everything's gonna be all right. Really? Really? Bob Marley lyrics. Yeah, he's had for me. I wanted to be like, why don't we go back to my place?

I'm actually pretty close with Jesus. Like, I'm not saying I could probably arrange a meet up, but like, I don't know, maybe we hang out and we're at a party together and Jesus is there. I don't know. Crazy. Am I being crazy right now? I feel so crazy. Oh.

All right. So we cut back to... All right, so we cut back to FBI headquarters where they're digging for more stuff on Jacob the Jesus Jew. Oh my God, this is amazing. This is amazing. David Ayer White comes in the room and he's like, would you find out he's looking

up on an FBI computer, right? He goes, I got a phone number, five year old address, and he's a Jew. And he's a Jew. Gross. I would like to see that report. I want to return around this screen. It's just like 22 maple Thorpe Avenue 55564 for Is it you yes or no or is it just religion? But he's not just a Jew. He's a rabbi. That's important. But he's not just a Jew, he's a rabbi. That's important. All right, and this is also where we learn that David isn't buying this. He's a terrorist bullshit. Why would a religious person be a terrorist?

Coffee is real coffee. Yeah, right. Yeah, no shit. Palestine coffee. And then they also learn that at one point he took over a Christian homeless shelter so they decided to go check that out. That's the next scene. Now, here's how great that they are at FBIing. They walk into this building, shine their flashlights around, don't move anything and say, yeah, there's nothing here. Yep. What were they hoping to find? It's like evil,

Jewish clue. Yeah, a line of dreidel. All found was a blueprint in the twin towers and some thermite. I don't know. Hand drawn map that says here's our super secret hideout. Now, to be fair, I wrote that as a joke later in the movie. And they won't come back. And yes. Indeed. I should stop making jokes. You're giving them too many ideas. Too much reality. So, and this is also where David A.R. White starts to, you know, like he's having second thoughts is the FBI really what he thought it was or are they just persecuting Christians now? He's ready to quit. And his partners as well, if you quit,

you'll never know the truth. And he's like, well, why would I, how does me quitting and knowing that how is that even related? But apparently he's convinced by that. Yeah. Maybe we'll solve the rapture as like a team building exercise later this year.

I don't know, man. All right, so now we cut to a truth. This is where the Christian theologian dude from views is and David Ayer White is going to come talk to him. They're they're going to meet in a gigantic fucking church that's apparently still there for months later, even though Christianity is illegal. Oh, and there's this amazing moment. So Dr Wilkins is his name and he's standing there at the pulpit, just sort of looking sad. And then David A.R. White, who is a foot in front of him,

is like, Dr. Wilkins and he's like, who's there? And I'm like, dude, he walked through the back of the 30, 40 feet of blank spit. How did you miss him? Yeah. So David A.R. White's got some questions about this whole rapture thing. He got you like the guys like, how can I help you? He's like, I read some pretty weird stuff in your book and I so wanted to be about like slave beating or how many legs there are in a grasshopper or something.

And I was like, oh, yeah, that part. The dirty water that makes the fetus drop out. Yeah, that's a weird part. Sorry. But no, it's about the rapture so So that, you know, this fits in with the film, I guess. Yeah. The whole thing is like this guy being like, Hey, look, the Bible says in it exactly what happened in this rapture and they're white still kind of skeptical at this point. So he's like, no, that's, that sounds stupid. I feel like you're

you're stretching it. He's like, well, the Bible says you were going to say that nonbelievers can't see it. It takes a sealed envelope out of the Bible. It says like you will say that sounds stupid. Like it's so dumb. Yeah. The number you will guess will only be two off from the... Yeah. No, and then this is where he's like, you know,

David Aeroys, like, well, that's an interesting theory. He goes, it's not a theory, it's the truth. Like those aren't mutually exclusive dude You guys make that mistake a lot. I'm sure you make it a lot Also, he reads a passage where things that haven't happened happen He's like the dead will rise the sun will turn blue. I'll wear a hat and people will disappear and he's like You're not wearing a hat even To believe this part.

Well, yeah, they have a read multiple verses because the fact that this book occasionally agrees with itself is damn convincing to Christians for some reason. Well, and not just that, your movie. So you can just read the parts where your movie have like, have a day guy walk around in a circle. If you're to, if you're a book, you get to make whatever part of it. He want some true. It's all yours. You're cannon. You're like, Jakey roll. I'm just fucking up the Harry Potter universe with Kirsten child. It's all yours.

All right. So then Davey's like, all right, let's get down to brass taxman. What happens in act three, right? And this is where the the priest gives his list of what the tribulation is. And this is the wackiest god damn list ever, right? It, I had to go back and write this down exactly. You get massive apostasy. Good. One world government treaties with Israel. Back check. Yeah. Yeah. Rand could use one of those right now. Increasing persecution of new leaders. It's all good. This is all right.

Well, who doesn't want this? Okay. Wait, then economic boom. Great. Then collapse. Okay. Seems like we just won. Well, as you say, it just seems like we end up where we are now then.

And then finally, the wrath of God poured out on the ungodly. I like, you could just skip ahead to that. None of the rest of that matters. Does it? Straight to the bad. Also, the patriots, patriots will go six and two at the beginning of this season. Let me tell you. So, okay. And then Dave is like, Hey, we're looking for a Jew. Do you know anything about those? And he's like, yeah, yeah, he do. He could be one of the 144,000 virgin lamb followers in the Bible. It's like, yeah, okay. That makes sense. I got it I get this is the first we've heard that the

Magic Jews will be first of all that there's a 144,000 of them, but that they're virgins Yeah, right. And like basically the fact that their dicks haven't been wet is vital to this plan. I love the idea that God's gonna eventually just have to settle for like 11 year olds to do this. Man, everybody's fucking now. They're all straight fucking.

All right, well based on the way this movie's unfolded up till now, I think the fact that this really is the rapture is supposed to be like the turn So fuck it. Let's take a break. But first I can give act three the hardself. Will something happen? Will there at least be the suggestion that something might eventually happen? In the absence of that, will there at least be blissful and calming silence? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We'll be return for the preparatory conclusion of

the moment after. Hey, are you Jacob Krause? It depends. Who's asking? Well, I'm from the FBI and I'm looking for a leader, one of the former 144,000 who's gonna guide us into the new world to Christ. Well, that is my mission.

Okay. Well, a former Jew. I am a former Jew. And a virgin. Oh, sorry, do you say Jacob Kraus? I did. Yep. No, I am Bakub Kraus.

Your name is Bakub Kraus or is it a Bakub? Yep. Also, just, I think not a virgin, just like little things. So probably not me. I don't know who you're. Okay. Cause I mean, he's supposed to save the souls of man. It's like a big guy.

I know he is. That sounds so important. I wish I was this guy, but I just can't stop sexing with ladies. So not me. Sexing with ladies. Yeah. I've had sex with a lot of women. What can I say? Really? How many women? Four. That's not a big number. No. Million? No.

Two big, you went way past the normal. Jacob? Jacob is my name. No, Jacob. It's clearly Jacob. I'm going to need you to come help me lead the Christians. It's clearly you. Fine.

Will you tell me what the genus are like? Okay. I'll tell you. Awesome, I'm in. Okay, so imagine a sick old monkey lying on its side. Got it? That's it. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, he wasn't sure if he was working for the FBI or Satan, and

we're going to pick up the action with him showing up for work and then immediately being hustled into a different scene like the other guy walks up his nose. No, not this scene. We're in the next scene. You and I are. Hey, sorry, man. This movie is poorly written. We have literally no way to introduce this except for me to tell you where we're going. Come on. Right. Okay. So they've got to lead on Jacob. They're going to head out to the barn where he was, where they have a smattering of the few military vehicles. They could afford to rent. They're they might as well have painted a Honda green. Yeah. So the military is there round and up the Christians.

The army won't let the FBI and this is a restricted area, of course. So stupid. They show up at the FBI and the army guys like, hi, welcome to Jade Helm 99. They're like, are you starting a Christian in term in camp? No, we're doing says different next stop in term in camp on bus. No, it's in turn. This camp, it's for people that don't know. I'm a bad spell. I'm so and a wrecked. Yeah. So now they've got to go see the boss, right? Because the guy won't let them in.

They're like, I want to see your commanding officer. So this is where we introduced Lieutenant Fredericks because hey, we're two thirds of the way into the movie. Great time to introduce the main bad guy. Lieutenant Fredericks looks like a Val Kilmer just kicked his gay son under the house. Yeah. It's the guy is jurisdiction argument personified. Right. And this actor, by the way, he's a stunt man and he's apparently quite a stunt man. He's in everything. If you look at IMDB, he's in like every goddamn movie, but we learn here why he's a stunt man and not an actor.

Absolutely. I, because I looked at this guy's thing and I was like, all right, we got like a real guy. And then I saw it and I was like, oh, okay. This guy has walked into every casting agent's office and been like, you stay out of my house. They've been like, okay, I've got you jumping through fire on the landscape. Do I talk?

No. No. Still no talking. There's just not a lot of talking roles in Hollywood anymore. Shape of water though, right? That fish said nothing. All right. Yeah. So so he kicks him out. He does his best, you know, heavy breathing chest pushing out stuff. But basically tells him go fuck yourself. So they go to leave and just then Davy sees, okay, so they drive off with a truck full of Christians and then they pull

up another truck and just put Georgia's wife in there. Okay. Is this a black thing because it felt like a black thing. They were loading all the way. We have separate but equal trucks here. Yeah. A little bit smaller and lower on it. It's a castle.

All right. So yeah, but Davey's going to rescue her. What? Okay. So Davey's gonna rescue. He tells Ascian, Hey man, you know, cover me. I'm gonna sneak in here and rescue this wanted fugitive cause I feel like it. And Ascian's like, that's not what cover me means. And he's like, yeah, you got it. 10, 4, nope, just using words. Right, but but that as Chin figures out, I guess cover me means like get this guard out of the way. So he tricks the like cartoon animal guard with car trouble of his own. He's like, Hey, Hunchman, what's the square root of car engine?

And the guy's like, hold on, let me walk over and check it out. I am entirely just, it's like he's talking to a waiter It's just like hey man. What are you up to? Thank you for asking We're friends here. You're not the server Yeah, it's it's apparently remarkably easy to talk soldiers into leaving their posts. You really just have to ask Hey, can you not guard her? No, no, no, no. Excuse me, sir, what would you say would most distract you over to my position?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you have to come over there. What? All right. So, yeah, so he distracts him. Davey gets the lady back and they drive off. Lieutenant heavy breathing finds out. He is not impressed, right?

They're like, Hey, do you want us to, uh, to, you know, stop them? He's like, no, not later. Like next, give them a scene or two. They're gonna let them expose it for a little while. Exactly. We'll show up. Trust me. Also, black lady, is there driving away?

Goes, are you going to get in trouble for this? And I wanted David to be like, no, they love it when you steal prisoners. It's like a panty rate. Yeah, they did one of ours last week. I also love at the end as they're, you know, as they're about to close the scene down the lieutenant heavy breathing turns too many. She was like, also burn the barn down, you know, just spiked. Fuck them bar.

There's a lot of starting fires for spite in this movie. You're right. We're gonna throw that out there. All right, so they have their rescued fugitive and what do you do when you have a rescued fugitive? You stop at the nearest diner and get some coffee. Obviously. Jesus, they have this ridiculous conversation.

We're like, why were you there? She's like, I'm Christian now. And he's like, well, why would you do a dumb thing like that? She's like, Oh, Jesus and stuff. Us, yeah, atheists and Jews sure did learn their lesson the other day. We were so stupid and the main relatives are correct. And I was wrong. Yeah.

And of course, they have to have the conversation where he's like, okay, wait a minute. But if the Christians are the good guys and God is on your side, why do you guys seem to be losing? Yeah. Yeah. She says literally exactly where it's I finally realized that God's in control. And I like, well, why are your friends are at Gitmo right now? Are you sure? Yeah. Right.

It's like, that's because, fuck you. Cut. Are we doing? Sorry, just question. What would a world where God is not in control look like? Oh, this. Oh. Shit. I've been living in the woods.

I can have a ham chip. Or a full ham chip. All right. So, but just then we've gotten enough exposition apparently because just then the army guys show up. And I love, okay, the men all come in with their machine guns, stand in a perfect circle around David A.R. Whiteness Partners, like Jesus, I hope no one shoots. But this is where we get, he's best worse. This is where the two of them have to draw their, huh?

They quick draw and like, you might as well grab and open a big umbrella. It's just like post-cognitive. Oh, it's so bad. I want to know what that shooting day was like. Well, well, well. If it is an agent's Riley and Baker, I believe you have our suspect not so fast. A cut. David, we're going to need that a little faster.

Yeah, sorry, no problem. Here we go. Sure, okay, ready? And action. Well, well, well, if it is an agents Riley and Baker, I believe you have our suspect not so fast Sorry, sorry gag real great. Sorry. Yeah, no still rolling just keep going Well, well, well, not so oh Sorry, you shot me cut cut why is it why was your gun loaded as motivation for

All right, just let's take lunch is a slippery gun. You're the worst And I have one of those things for chargers. No And I have one of those things for cars. No Yeah, something like that I would say Um, so yeah so many takes and this is the best they got it's awesome So yeah, so eventually like and also like when he draws his gun like there are already 11 people with machine guns on him Why does no one do anything? Right? It seems like you would shoot him to death.

Yeah, anyway. That's the whole point of holding someone at gunpoint. Right. Because if they reach for their guns, you'll shoot them first. Yeah, exactly. Well, not if you're a quick draw like David, they are why it is.

I'm surprised that wasn't three cuts by the end of it. Anyway, so and then George's wife, you know, she does the whole like pulling their guns down and giving herself up thing. Oh, and it's so good because the actress isn't a weird position. So she like really gets the first guy's gun, but then she sort of like, excuse me, excuse me. Sorry. Yes.

You're going to. Okay. I know, I don't have leverage, so you're going to have to just move your hand down, but you get what I'm doing, right? So they pull it, they take her out of there in handcuffs. She sings as they're taking away, because Christianity is just actively disguising mental illness at this point, right? That's what they're trying for now. And

they have this another great, like they thought they were going to come up with something profound to say at the end of this sentence bit, you know, where David A.R. White's given the lieutenant the whole, so who are you? Conversation. And the guys, and then he's like, you want to know who I am? I'm, I'm the bad guy, man. I've got the ominous thumb music behind me. It's obvious. It's clear who I am, man. Does that scary?

I'm Mr. Fuck Your Sister. I'm the shipplin' in Beatles. That sucks. All right, so okay, that night they're driving. They come across yet another military checkpoint. I, again, they have offered no reason why we've switched to satanic government. What, and what are all the checkpoints for? Is it like a census taking scheme? Like, they just cut over the Antichrist in his office, just like

swirling brandy looking at a big tally sheet like Lathanson. Now we wait. Yeah, right. Counting. All right. And apparently this is David's, uh, David airway, second warning for not having his mark of the beast yet. If he gets three, then they'll do bad stuff. if he gets three, then they'll do bad stuff. Yeah. The anti-Christ gives you three warnings. Yeah. Why would? Two and a half.

Okay, we're taking over the country with the military coup. How many warnings should we give the rebellious cops trying to follow our plan? Okay, I was thinking three, three, three, three. Right. No, it's like, okay, three is a good choice. We are in sync, baseball, three, three warnings. So three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three

three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three

three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three three Also, you work for the FBI and you're in one of their cars. Also, you're both carrying cell phones. Also, you just stopped at the first diner. They saw your fucking car. They could have just been driving to the road and been like,

oh, shit, that's the car right there. They stopped for coffee, those dumbasses. Also, you guys keep saying the word bugged and bugging over and over and over. Yeah, right, cleverly. Maybe figure it out your own dialogue. It's so bad. Bugs me about trying to work that in it

But the writer fucks it up several times to it's like before he's able to run himself Like like bug bug's funny da no Back to the word bug. I'm feeling awful. Yeah, I'm stupid Race war all right, so they decide now the next thing to do is to go back to the very beginning of this part of the movie anyway, that place where they splashed their flashlights around earlier, they're going to go back there. Hey, you remember my hilarious jokes about a hand drawn map? It's even dumber than that. It's literally

dumber than that, right? Because they go back and he sees this picture. He sees a picture of Jacob, the evil terrorist you sitting on a mountain, he goes, I know right where that mountain is. Let's go there. And it's like how do you think pictures work?

Right? Because there's a lot of pictures of me and pretty much all of them are in places where I'm currently not. Do you think you're looking through a window to where he is? Jacob, come out. Jacob, come out here. Come out of this picture, man. Oh, we got to talk to you. Oh, I'm meant. I don't spend a lot of time in the outdoors, but I don't think that a picture would be enough to be like, no, I know exactly where that mountain top is. Well, not that picture. I mean, there are mountain tops where I'd be like, no, I know exactly where that mountain top is. Well, not that picture.

I mean, there are mountain tops where I'd be like, yeah, no, that's Fuji. You know, but yeah, not that one. It's just, oh, yeah, no rocks and grass. I know rocks and grass. I know the place. Like the back of my hand. Yeah. And bug and the stone.

And then but chin is like, that's a stupid thing. There's no way that's a clue. And then he turns it around and it literally just has, this is a clue written on the back. Right. No, it's a secant. You shall find on the back, which is just what George's wife told him before she left. Anyway. So he's like, yeah, it's only an hour or two away.

Now I only point out that he says that because then they clearly act like it's nine hours away for the rest of the, like it's the middle of the night when they're looking around and then when they get to the place that's an hour or two away, it's midday, right? Yeah. Also, a quick note for you guys, I only need one, maybe two car driving by establishing shots to get the idea. Yeah. I don't need 11. Anyway, um, okay. So they get to Scotland. The mountain top, you know, the one. And, uh, and they have to have this weird moment where David A.R. White pulls out as a gun again for no goddamn reason. Yeah. On the guy he's trying to find who he now is convinced is a good guy.

Yeah, it's just like, hey, you know, we might have to shoot some motherfuckers as we go up there and David, all right, pulls out his gun real quick with my gun. Yeah, obviously it would be with your gun, dude. You don't have to. I can pull my gun out. I can do it. I can pull my gun out. I've been for that.

I trust since that last take. The brother explodes out. Why you just don't carry the umbrella, man? What are you doing with that umbrella? That's explodes out. Why you just don't carry the umbrella, man? What are you doing with that umbrella? That's the case. You can't send me up. Case it rains.

No. So, okay. So they show up and wouldn't you know it? The Jesus Jew is right there on the mountain where they expected him to be. So they're like, you're under arrest and he's like, oh yeah, then where do clouds come from? Hmm.

And he's, it's so over dramatic. They see him, he's standing on these rocks doing like Jesus pose, looking at everything and he's like, what took you so long without looking? Yeah. I've been doing this dramatic pose for a while. Hey, my heart's so soft. You guys, this is awkward.

Like he might as well pull up a big chair and like put it on the rock and then slowly spin around. I'm dead. I want to see the scenes where like hikers are pull up a big chair and like put it on the rock and then slowly spin around I want to see the scenes where like hikers are just passing by and he's like what took you so long? Sorry what oh, nope I just Out of the shot So of course David air weights like so wait minute, are you one of those 144,000

Christ Jews people that was being told about? And he's like, yes, that's why I'm up on this mountain doing nothing this whole time. Yeah, right. Well, I even ask, he's like, why did you bring us all the way out to this mountain? He's like, yeah, that doesn't make any fucking sense at all. Oh, you know, I mean, so, you make sense, uh, blue, ble, ble, ble, ble, ble, yeah, that doesn't make any fucking sense at all. So, you know, I mean, so, I mean, so, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue. Yeah, right.

These and carrots. Also, I want to talk about how badly written this scene is just from a tone perspective because David is obviously doing the like, ooh, this is the guy who will guide me on my journey thing, but his partner's like, down on the ground, stop resisting. Right. And just a small thing at the very end of the scene, the rabbi guy does the like shoulder bump thing after he gets arrested. He's like going to bump into David Aarway, kind of mad about it, but they missed. Like David Aarway, like clearly knew it was, he got like too scared and he moves like five seconds early. So he doesn't get shoulder bumped.

I flinch. I flinch a lot. Sorry. Sorry. No, we're not retaking it, Dave. All right. So they take him away. They throw him in the car and he's in the backseat doing like sort of the Kevin Spacey from seven thing. You know, he's going like, you guys know it was the rapture, right? And Astrid, it's going to one stupid rapture. Not the rapture quiet down. Play your game, boy. Play your game, boy. But your sister have a turn. And also this is where they dig into the true nature of the B chip.

Yeah. And they say, or as they call it, the beast chip, yeah. I'm sorry. The beast chip. When was that decision made? I want to be in the world for that decision being made. Okay, I call to order the secret evil cabal of people at the head of the new world order. On today's docket the name for the mark of the beast which will turn all away from Christ and lead the dark Lord into the light. Ooh, how about the devil bring her. Okay, so that's that's a little on the nose. We're looking for something a little subtler. Okay. What about damnation?

Ship. Okay, so I feel like everyone's just throwing out answers, but really aim for subtle guys. We don't wanna give away the game, right? Oh, right, that's fair. The beef chip, but we call it the B-chip for sure. Oh, I like that. Just, okay, they won't know necessarily. But what if there's just no direct reference

to the Mark of Satan at all? You know, we call it the chimp or that be fun time chimp or something just like really subtle. I like beast chip That's great. That could mean anything beast chip exactly the beast chip could mean anything not just The mark of the beast sure there's so many things. Yeah, okay like like what? the mark of the beast. Sure, there's so many things. Yeah. Okay, like, like what? Uh, the beast from X-men. Yeah, that's the name of the character there, or like a pass for the zoo. Okay, okay, you you think people are going to hear we're coming out with something called the beast chip and assume it's named after a superhero or a pass for the zoo or pass for the zoo like I just said

Fuck it. We'll call it the beast chip. Why not a beach chip? Yeah subtle Yeah, I was also like look I mean Again, they have cell phones you just need cell phones That's what so goddamn funny about this movie is, right? Like the Christians have been terrified for so fucking long that the government's gonna put in some tracking device in their goddamn body. And it's like, no, right. Exactly.

It's like, no, we're gonna sell you one. You're gonna buy one, you fucked, hard. You're gonna buy one every two years. Yeah, right. You'll stand in line for this shit Anyway, but ask chance not buy in it But when you know it of course Jacob just has the right Bible quote for everything This is of course what we have to dig into the like cuz his partner doesn't believe it's the rapture because he's like

But I'm a good person and he's like yeah, there's your first mistake right there, man. That does not matter at all. Good deeds means nothing. Fuck, we keep living here in these movies. Can we not write around this? And he's quoting Bible verses and just saying random shit and David Ayer White's finally like, so you're saying that if I believe Jesus paid for my sins,

there's no way you could divine that from what he's set up to this point. You fucking idiot. So you're saying if I'd been in, I don't know, something in the range of 28 movies like this, I would just sort of naturally understand. Yeah. I'm crying. Well, all right.

So they have to stop at a gas station. Again, he said the place was an hour or two away. So they get four miles to the gallon in this thing and Ashton goes in to buy a soda and some sandwiches or something or whatever so that he'll leave Jacob alone and him and David can talk about Jesus together. Yeah, he asks David. There's the little thing he asks him if he wants anything and he says get me a soda. Like name a fucking soda.

What do you talk about? Yeah, right. Salt. He touched a fucking soda. What do you talk about? Yeah, right. Salt. They touch it so much all the time when I'm bartending. I'll have a beer. Oh, that's a beer done is all the intention. Idiot. Uh, cold, please. Okay. I'll take a ground beer. Yeah, I'm so gonna. Any yellow. You have something that's sort of a golden yellow? Give it to me beerly. No, this is the afternoon idiot. All right, and of course, you know, Dave, he's like,

he's like, why did you bring us all the way out here? And he's like, so that I would have a chance to talk to you about Jesus. And he's like, okay, then why go to the mountain though? You could have done that at the shelter. And he's like, fuck, yeah, they have delivery there. They have fuck. Also, I love this moment where they get out of the car to get their sodas and their foods. And Jacob still is Jewish because he's like, I'm fine.

It's fine. I don't need anything. See if they have cliff bars. They're the only thing I that's just you, not Jewish. I and Jewish are the same thing he will learn this. So Jewish and I. So here's where this is where David decides that he does want to accept Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior. So we have that awkward moment.

There's like, you know, I want what you have. I want to know your Jesus. What do I have to do?" And he's like, it's remarkably stupid. You just say, hey, Jesus. They're so uncomfortable too. I'd rather watch the sex scenes from the room on loop than these come to Jesus.

It's the creepiest use of coming to my blank that I've ever heard. And that's saying, a lot for me. A lot. I love his prayer to it. When he starts talking to Jesus. He's like, God, I know you're real. That's the I'm not racist of prayer preface, right? I'm always like, you know, because I'm always like that with Eli. I call on him.

I'm like, Eli, I know you're real. What type of you want to record tonight? The fuck? All right. So yeah, and this is where Davey has his moment. want to record tonight. The fuck. All right. And this is where Davey has his moment. And he's just like, I know I can't do it. And he puts Jacob in the trunk and then drives away.

Now I get him driving away from his partner. Is him getting Jacob out, but there is no reason why he has to put this man in the trunk. None. I mean, to be fair, you've been in a car with a Jew for a long period of time. There's no way we wouldn't have stopped on the third trip to ReasonCon and you've been like, oh, yeah, you know what?

Getting the trunk. I'm actually always wanting to get a van. There's a clip bar in there and you're close. All right. So, okay, he drives off. A Afton is very upset. So he calls him on a cell phone. It's the best. It's the dumbest phone call ever. He's like, hello. Oh, hey, Adam, it's Charles. He's like Charles Baker. Yes, Charles, you stole my car five seconds ago.

Yes, Charles, you stole my car five seconds ago. Literally, a second ago. You can see me out there. I'm waving. Are you waving? Yes, we are waving at each other. We've established who each of us are. Should we go on with the conversation? Yes.

And he's like, what do you think you're doing? And it's like, what do you think I'm doing? God, this is badly written. Oh, it's so bad. What do you think now? What do you think I'm doing? Fuck okay. I'm doing all them stressed. What do you think? I'm nailed it. Okay, one take we're done He goes this is the craziest thing you've ever done. He's like, no, this is the saying this thing I've ever done. Oh my God. And then just to wrap it up, he goes, David A.R. White says to his buddy, he's like, I love you, my friend. More than you'll ever know what that was so insane. I rewind it because it was just like, hey, you're the most beautiful man I've ever met. What?

What a weird thing to say. So after this impossibly rich little bit of dialogue, Aschind decides he's got to steal the car from the dude who just pulled up. Now, first of all, the dude whose car he steals seems not at all upset about this, but secondly, he's just pulling up to put gas in it. I so wanted asked him to get three miles down the road, run out of gas and think, fuck, yeah, no, I should have waited until he was done. It's weird though. If you wait and you're just

like, I'm going to steal your cards. I'd actually put premium in because I'm about to try fast. I'm gonna pour this bleach into my car. Yeah. No, that's the milk. That's the milk. Every time. Milk in my car. Of course.

David gets away, but he stopped by another god damn checkpoint. And remember guys, he doesn't have the mark of the beast. This is his third strike and Aschin is right behind him. Luckily god intervenes. God like pulls the plug on the chip checker. Yes right right exactly god fucks up their wifi. I wanted it to cut to the Jesus ninja who still got the little black girl in a chokehold and he's just unplugged the router Yeah, but the computer's not working so they can't tell that this is his third strike

So this is great the guy hands him a piece of paper and says here. I'm gonna give you a verbal warning Really is it written on this piece of paper your verbal warning? Did'm going to give you a verbal warning. Really? Is it written on this piece of paper? Your verbal warning. Did you write it down for me? What? All right. And then of course, ask Chin, like, just as they're letting him go, ask Chin, show us up. But he's like three people back. So it's too late. He missed him. He got through the checkpoint. Hooray. Anyway. So then he gets a few miles down the road and there's another checkpoint. This time, Lieutenant Frederick is there. Remember a heavy breathing guy from before?

So why would he even escape? It makes no sense. Literally, the next scene is him getting caught. So it's just like, Hooray, never mind. Yeah, right. So yeah, they stop him and Daveyy gave give himself up, but dammit, wouldn't you know what? He let the Jew go somewhere along the way, which again, would have been a lot easier to do if you didn't have him in the fucking trunk.

I actually thought that was supposed to be magic, like the Jew poofed out of the trunk, but now now I realize the day of day or white just let him. out of the trunk, but now now I realize that David A.R. White just let him out. But I thought that was like, like David expected him to be back there and he opens it. Also, why did the military guy go to the trunk to check? Right. Right. Like, he goes straight like, I remember from the script earlier that, yeah, right. For no reason to the plot, put the rabbi in the truck.

He's gone. Fuck like what? And also, why does it matter? He's now the rabbi is running around in a field in California ruining the plan of the anti-crash. Yeah, apparently. Yeah. Yeah, because then we cut back now to Jacob.

He goes back to the same damn mountain, which is they, they know you go there now, dumbass. But, but that we show him like spreading the gospel like a mofo. We show Ascian. He's moving up. He's going to work for the global Satan government. And it also, by the way, while we're seeing all of this, we're also being reminded that the soundtrack is available. Enjoy Christ records or something. Oh, so, so we cut to Davie and Chale, right, for our little wrap up scene. This by the way, that's the whole fucking movie, right? This is the wrap up scene, if you can believe that. This is where like the guard comes to give him some food.

And he kind of winks at him and he's like, hey man man, you know, there's a, there's a file baked into this bread. But no, it's a goddamn highlighted Bible page. You can sneak me anything into prison and it's a fucking Bible page. Also, because of the way that shot, the like, look at this, it looks like he's just showing David A.R. white as dick. I really wanted to pay a non-existent dick as I, huh? No, not into some dick.

Okay. Enjoy your, well, you're a person. Enjoy your single drumstick. Yes, yes. I wanted there to be something inside the chicken too. Like inside the chicken, there's a tiny little Bible and that's hollowed out. And then there's like a smaller piece of bread inside that. You to the cell.

Oh shit, yeah. Okay, so, yeah, so the Bible passage, by the way, is something along the lines of G.B. and Persecuted. Sure is the B's knees. Yeah, being in jail means you actually won. Yeah. Also, you were in jail when our budget ran out. Right.

End of movie. Yeah, right. We see him holding his hands up all Jesus style and it's over. Hurray. All right. So guys, this movie delivered some epic twists on the old rapture formula that we've seen 19 times before any ideas for what variations on the classic are in store for the sequel. I'm gonna say at the census they trick you into drinking monster energy. Oh, the Antichrist in this one is always in blackface. They know I never addressed it. It's just always there.

See, now I have one, two, because then this just occurred to me when Eli was talking about his bit, but I want him to have a rock camera that's hollowed out and has a Bible on the inside of it. Oh, that would be a nice twist. Anyway, that's going to, I guess that's going to do it for our review of the moment after that. That's not going to do it for for the episode just yet though, because we still need to coax ourselves back here next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck the moment after to the moment after the moment after the

moment. A later moment, a different moment. We really, this movie wasn't even about to, it was this movie. There's been a four months after the moment after barely even factored into it all right so with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 143 to a merciful close once again a huge thanks to all the patreon donors to help make the show go if you look at yourself among their ranks you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode you can also help us out a ton by leaving a five

store review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms and if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scaling a, the excitation data, and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies.gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik and Viva LaDrafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audience and your Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a

check your life this week for Heathen right knee libos to go. I'm no illusions promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club club. David A.R. White died. He grew a gun on paper and it shot him. The pizza delivery guy who is bringing that mountain Jew his food every day eventually got suspicious. Nobody broke the witch's curse.

David A.R. White's suit continued to grow and grow. Today it covers the land as far as the ice. So that's skit one, right? That's not a doodly do. I don't know. Morgan, you got this. Just put it where Morgan just growing pauses where the doodly do's are. No, put it all together. Okay. His wife sat a town. He's got.

That's honestly true. Yeah, just just give me these separately and give me pauses with it with the doodly do's. That'll be fine. No annotations on the page, Morgan. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC, cap your a 2018 all rights reserved. No annotations on the page, Morgan. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC,

cap your a 2018 all rights reserved.