God Awful Movies - 144: The Moment After II: The Awakening

Episode Date: May 22, 2018

This week, we team up for an atheist review of The Moment After II: The Awakening, the story of a writer being challenged to make even less happen in this one than in the first one and succeeding beyond anyone's expectations. To see Citation Needed live in Chicago on August 11th, [click here](https://www.eventbrite.com/e/citation-needed-live-in-chicago-tickets-45942658729). If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

He's worth $12 million dollars. Oh, geez. He's even here waiting. No, I want to be on the other side. I spent the last week figuring out a can of four to house. I don't care about your nice Facebook messages. I want to buy it. Edit this out.

I don't care! So, you're smarter than your dad! There you got it! Hahahaha! God awful! Movie! Movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be immediate left is my good friend Heath. And right heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who aged, bound as well as milk carton POW since last week. Who's that?

David A.R. White. Yes. He went from like early Zach Morris to late Kirstie Ali real fast one week in two years in our turn in two years according to this movie. Yeah, two movie years, seven years of getting funding. Yeah, it's cool. But oh, and of course you've already heard him, but I should introduce him anyway, sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli.

How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic. No, the key is you got to like a bunch of old photos. Then you wait, you wait a year, you're in a half, then an old status, then you go back, you find a my space and you comment nice posts. Keep them on their toes. Yeah. There you go. The strategy.

So tell us he other than how to fuck with our East Omen on Facebook, what will we be breaking down today? Okay. We watched the moment after two, moment after next. It's the story of the anti-Christ and his epic struggle to rule the world after the rapture. He takes over the UN, he puts together a global army

and he sets up a universal currency using biometric implants, but there's still like eight Christian hobos campings. So that's the conflict of this movie. Apparently, yeah, he's quite worried about them. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved the moment after one, but the fast-paced things happening plot was just too much for you. You will love this movie. It's the moment after,

the moment after. But literally just that moment is all this full movies like six days max. Yeah, the scope is amazingly small. All right, so okay, if you recall from last week, we were doing that movie and the characters kept saying stuff like you know, look I know things look bleak many of you have suffered great losses and look to the future with fear, but when you do remember Good luck right So that one was written by the director his wife in astion this movie the sequel was written by just the director his wife in astion this movie the sequel was written by just the director's wife

and nothing could capture how bad the lines are better than the ones that made it to the IMDB quote page okay this is what actually was called from this movie by fans of this movie to say no here's the best moments all right i got a couple of them for you first one this is this is a little back and forth commander Fredericks Well, well, Lieutenant Robert Jackson. You've been a wall for a while now followed by Captain Jackson Vengeance is mine. Remember because the Lord said that. Okay. Wait, it gets better This is an actual line from the movie Jacob. I am entitled to my emotions. I can have them. Yeah. That scene. We'll get to it. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I never really understood the term the movie got away from us until that scene. Oh, yeah. It was fucking phenomenal. And it was so spectacularly bad. And yet the fans of the movie were like, no, no, put that one on the IMDB page though. He is entitled to his emotions. All right. And now this last one isn't an exact quote. More of a more of a paraphrase really, but this is what it actually says on the IMDB page and I didn't put it there somewhere. This was already there. I didn't put it there somewhere this was already there so it's a it's a it's a four-line exchange Charles smells gonna rain

Jacob we need the weather okay Adam about 40 days of it Adam in response to himself Yeah, but then we need to build unbought. So yeah, so that's the bad writing of this movie as filtered through the bad fans of this movie. Anyways, are there anything other than the IMDB quotes that you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be in the worst at? I would.

I'm going to go with best worst boots. So I bet I know which boots you're talking about. Everyone in the movie is working with pretty much normal footwear, but for some reason, one guy is wearing boots that are, in my opinion, the protagonist of the movie. They're fucking enormous. They're first billed on the post like,

they look like a giantist stripper astronaut went snowboarding. It's crazy. They never acknowledge it. Where's the route? Well, the boots do come in handy at the end. Yeah, they do kind of, yeah, no, I can see how they could be the protagonist. All right. I was going to go with best worse. It's my turn to be in the scene. Yes. There are several just bizarre moments of the camera just going like, oh, and now you, okay? All right. You, you, that makes sense.

Just a little one. Best, worst fake military vehicle. Will, we'll get to it, but a Subaru outback with kids still in the back seat is essentially a tank in this movie. Like a minus or a cardboard tube on the front than like tank. The end would be backwards. Yeah, exactly. All right. Well, this movie came out seven years after the last one. So if they're in that little of a hurry, I'm sure we're just a fun, taking a quick break. But when we come back, we'll dive into all the two shots that are the moment after two. The awakening.

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one month free plus a 10% discount if you decide to join. But don't worry, you won't be doing it alone. Myself and our very own stud muffin, heath and right, we'll be joining you. What we heat? I am unhappy with this arrangement. Well, I did it for the last one. So how much do you weigh right now, Heath? Uh, 210 pounds, 210 pounds. That is too much. So we're going to see what we can do about that. And if you'd like to join Heath and I again, it is totally free to try Connecticut coach. If you use the promo code, and if you do decide to join, you're going to get unlimited custom workouts for just $6 a month. That's 20 cents a day. So okay, guys, doing a thing.

All right. So download the coach from the App Store, use the promo code GAM and let us know how your mouth on Connecticut coach goes and we'll tell everyone about it in a month. Connecticut coach, it's the smartest, most customized way to stay fit on the road at home and in the gym. They're gonna be pushups. There will probably be pushups. I'm not, I can't. Genetic coach. From the makers of the moment after and the moment after two. Woof! I just thought that general guy. Yeah man, you okay? Yeah, yeah. Comes a movie with an even more condensed timeline.

You sure that cut on your head looks bad. No, no, it's fine. Just near the hairline. That somehow takes place way further in the future than we're pretending. Okay, grab your walker and let's get out of here. Yep, yep, one one second. Let me Let me put a put the oxygen tank in here. Yep, take your time. Watch your hip. Oh, I will out Oh, the moment after three The moment after coming some summer It's been five minutes

What's the last movie? And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with a montage of Military stuff and random shots from the last movie Yeah, it's having my notes here last time on every rapture movie ever. Right. And we get some weird music. I describe it as a baby singing an aria during a riot. And they stick with that also a CK one ad at the same time somehow. Yeah. And I should point out that as we're like seeing all of these quick flashes, there's a guy for just a brief Second speaking in a European accent. I wrote well, there's your anti-Christ right there First guy with a European accent always the anti-Christ in these and he was I went through the credits on IMDB

And he has marked as like global commander leader evil guy or this one little clip at the beginning. Yeah, that's it That's it. Yeah. And during this montage, we're getting reporters like telling us what's happening in this like post-rapture world. There's just being all like totally natural about the apocalypse that's like, so it's the great tribulation. That means delays on the parkway. Now Jim with the weather, Jim.

Yeah, it's it. Or the Plenty. Or the Locust Jr. So much. So much. A's it. For the Locust. A little bit of scorpion locust. It's also black and white. All the colors are gone. 40% chance of stars. Yeah.

So right. Yeah. Okay. And then there's this little bit. So they're telling us like, and now they're like setting everything up quickly. So the reporters are saying like, and now all the world's money is Satan

chips. And nobody's, there's no governments, except for the one. Yeah. Why would again, we've said this a few national currencies would not just stop the value. I don't. The monetary system, it's not propped up by Christian people not vanishing. And what like in Saudi Arabia, too, that the money would go in there. And all the no Christian people. Every morning, the Treasury calls Ray comfort just to see if he's there. All right, because we're ready to go at a moment. No, it's okay. No. No. All right. And then okay. So there's a part here where we get through all that we zoom in on the pyramid eye on the dollar because this audience is fucking stupid and think Satan lives on their dollar bills. And then that turns into the chip on the back of the hat.

Yes, the chip has the illuminati symbol on it on the chip. I want to be in the meeting where they unveiled that. All right. I want to be in the meeting where they unveiled that all right You wanted to see us boss. Hey Frank. Dave have a seat. Okay So You remember at last week's meeting we discussed trying to keep things subtle. Yeah, sure did boss sure did hmm Beast chip weak. Yeah, I actually boss. Sure did. Beast chip. Week. Yeah, I actually consider that kind of a loss.

Anyway, I'm looking over the design for the chip itself. Uh-huh, designer chip. And you know how we used to hide the all-knowing eye of Satan in the US dollar bill? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right in the pictures where nobody ever looks. Right where you guys decided it should go. Yeah, so I'm looking over the design of the chip

and it looks like you just, you just put the satanic eye right on the front. Yeah, because it's under your skin, you see. You can't. Well, sure, but people will see the design, like you put it in the commercial. Right, right, but then it goes under their hands. So you don't see it anymore. It's right.

I feel like we're not explaining it well. Wait, do you think that people forget about things they can't see? Yeah, exactly. I mean, like how would they not? Exactly. What do you mean? Okay, I want to try it a little experiment. I'm gonna duck behind my desk like this. Hey, look empty office, cool. Oh, I thought it was me first. That's what I thought. Oh hey boss, Frank broke your chair.

Damn broke your chair, damn broke it. Okay, it's fun we do this in all realities. Yeah, and that actually had to happen apparently in this universe. So anyway, then we get that and we get a couple of like quick headlines to fill us in on the last few rapture moments. Yeah, we zoom in on a newspaper and it's the best. I paused it because they always have stupid shit in these movies when you pause for details and this did not disappoint.

The newspaper just repeats the same five sentences all over the front. Oh, that's really all they were capable of writing except there's one column that literally just has a S D F J K L. They were too lazy to move their fingers off the home. To try about the fake stupid part, but there was one other detail, some atheist guy on the art team snuck in. This is sad in the middle of all the, the FJK. How's that we go? Well, well, self awareness in there.

All right. But then, but then we get, we move from all that evil stuff to some happy stuff. We see some clouds and hope in light and then 360 degrees of David A. R. White and suddenly he wakes up in a prison transport van so we can start this movie. Hey, to be clear, he wakes up seven years older. Right. Right. Yeah, we just watched the movie last week. It's very clear. He's aged a bit. Yeah, I wrote in my notes. How long was I napping seven years? So long drive. Oh, yeah. But okay. So apparently he's a famous

criminal on death row for helping out Jacob in the last movie. And one guy who I just have as racial stereotype throughout my notes says, you't look like no domestic terrorist. I could not figure out this. Hey, this character's name I searched IMDB, but two, I have no idea what he is in this movie because he's in the prison van with David A.R. White. And then he's the leader of a militia who seemed not to miss him. And then he's an a wall soldier. He seems just there to be like scoop, scoop or doop. Yeah. It's confusing. Yeah. He appears

to be like the general of a militia like an SNM themed resistance army. Yes. And his little white guy next to him is his beloved gimp. because they're on the band thieves together. It's really weird. So yeah, yeah. So, but then after a quick introduction there, the truck is stopped, right? In the middle of nowhere by what looks like a military checkpoint, but it's not. It's a prison break. Gun shooting. It's the, it's the militia. Let me do you a tremendous favor that no one did for me. This is the militia who are there to break out black guy stereotype. Okay. You just saved yourself 45 minutes of me typing what it did my computer because he gets out, puts on a jacket leather jacket in the cigar over his jumpsuit and starts basically doing

a touchdown dance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. And by the way, this is the most excitement free prison break that you can imagine, right? It's just like they pull them over and they're like, Hey, why are you pulling us over and the other guy shoots them?

And it's like, okay. Now we're done with that. Now. pulling us over and the other guy shoots them and it's like, okay, now we're done with that. Now, and part of the confusion of this is that they keep quoting Bible verses. So I assumed their Christians, right, that their Christians breaking them out because they're part of the Christian resistance. They're not, but instead the characters are just like, remember what Jesus said? If they send one of us to the hospital We send one of them to the morse Yeah, yeah a lot of Bible quoting from this character But Davey doesn't want to go with him right he doesn't trust these guys

He's he's as confused by their motivations as we will be throughout the entire goddamn movie So he decides to walk off by himself in his orange prison jumpsuit so that he can spend the next 20 minutes of this movie running down the road. So much jogging in the desert. Oh, but first he has to jump over the little fence because you know, he does his own fucking stunts y'all. Yes. How many takes do we think it took for David A. R. White to jump that fence without impaling his tent. Over under 11. 12.

Yes. We'll set it at 11 and a half. So okay. So then we get like the title over after two. Did I the awakening? My music note here was dead condensed opening act. It's the same. It's the same baby singing the aria and a raya that we were getting earlier. But then we get this quick scene

where somebody's trying to buy something at a grocery store, but she doesn't have the satin chip, right? She thinks she can use money. Yeah. And if you try to use cash, the cashier presses an alarm button like, like the bank button over the counter that calls the cops. Right. And they are exactly two seconds. Yeah. Yeah. Well, to be fair, before the rapture, that button was for African Americans in your business who didn't buy something at your Starbucks right away. Right. No, yeah. They're just retro act retrofitting it for the post rapture money people. Right. So these two cops show up in seconds. They're right there. They were three steps away

at once. Ridiculous. Yeah. And they are the sloppiest. They look at these two cops. They ought, they look like boy scouts who still haven't graduated at age 40. Yeah. Right. That's it. That's Still can't make a fire. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, I'm pretty sure this lady can kick both these cops as the gate rates. Start shoving lady, you're going to make it. Yeah, but no, they take her into custody. This will sort of matter later, but not really.

Just run away. Like how fast is a jazz scooter that aren't going to get you. Damn speed control. I got to put a tennis ball under the fucking. All right. So now we cut to a checkpoint and we had we were going to meet this character doc. He is in a truck in the passenger seat that's about to go through this checkpoint. He's super nervous.

He's talking to Jacob, the the juicer and Christian from the first movie, but they don't reveal that for a while. We have to like mysteriously just watch him in a very awkward one shot. Right. And we should talk about Doc, right? Doc looks like he's a hacker on a safari. He looks like he's about to hack a zebra. Like he's going to pop open the side of a zebra and turn into a lion. Yeah, but but he's all worried. Doesn't matter though, because Jacob has been praying the whole time. So they disassemble the checkpoint right as they get to the front of the lot. Yeah. Lucky that. And by the way, if you're wondering how many times that will happen throughout this movie, the answer is a majillion. Like this movie is weird Nickelodeon movie about a kid who finds a lucky penny level like that. My pants can't look at your ID right now.

It would have been so much better. So yeah, they drive away and the black guys going like, I guess I didn't believe in Jesus enough. Did I? Nope. And he's also like, we would have been busted for so many things back there. And Rabbi Jacobs like, yeah, that's true. Would you care to expose? Yeah. I love to. We have no biological implant chips. We have smuggle babies. We have cash. My character's name is Black Dr. Brewer. Two of us have quite an interesting backstory. Would you like me to tell you the plot of our recent lives? So both of us are clear about our recent lives. And this is the first shot we get of Jacob, by the way. And in between movies, it it's interesting he's gone from orthodox to to Lynn manual Miranda

so that's an interesting choice. Strange transformation he's been through there. All right so now we cut to Davey running and flashing back to a different time he was running. Yeah he's running so he's remembering the time he was casually jogging after criminals back. Yeah, he flashes back. He's the cop chase. He's having a lot of trouble as he usually does when he has to run and he has to run a lot. Yeah, for three, for three seconds at a time, a lot in this movie. It's rough. But there's a moment here. They show us the bad guys that he's chasing and the bad guy actors are running away and Smiling like

Typical racist latino stereotype, but we also have what I imagine is 16 year old he or Guy who's gonna start a shop that sells t shirts on the beach. He is also. Yeah, exactly. I did look like Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I don't know. I could have melanin. Yeah. So then the cops catch up. Now this is if you recall in the last movie, he had the partner George that got raptured. So George is running with them. They catch one of the guys, but the other kid gets away. And wouldn't you know it? He shows up with a gun just in time to like move this scene along. Yeah, there is no point to establish further backstory for these characters, except to establish that the two black actors they got for the last movie were like, no, for that.

Exactly. They couldn't book Denny again. No, they couldn't. He's only 17, 18 years off of his Cosby show side character. He was busy. Yeah, no, he couldn't be bothered. Apparently. So, yeah, but then just as there

are handcuff in the black kid, 16 year old heath shows up and pulls it going on, David A.R. White. Right. And then he and David A.R. White have a, what I can only describe as a jump cut fight. Like if both of them are in charge of jump cuts, they see who can jump cut the best violence. They moved around like shatner on family guy. What? Well, and the stupid fucking thing is they do these like this nine cuts of them wrestling around for the gun, but they end in the exact same. The kid has the gun and he's holding it on David Ayahuasca.

So it's clearly a thing where David Ayahuasca, well, I would kick this kid's ass a little wouldn't I though? Right. I wanted that ex because it will it is almost exactly the same frame. I wanted them to come back up, but they're wearing each other's outfits. Wait, how did this? David, air white has a has a rider like the rock and vindies, they'll accept each I win a little bit. And then I lose. I have to not be losing the fight.

That'll come back later too. Just like my prayers, me and David Ayer White have the same prayers. I want to not be losing for just a little bit. I get an ankle bite in there. You have to give me, I get an ankle bite. Then it can end at one point. A character must say, are you crying? But then I say no.

No, you're dusty. Dusty in here in this gun. I got in my eye. All right. So but then ask Chin shows up in the flashback, right? He shows up and he shoots the kid that's got the gun on Davey, but also that kid shoots George, the black cop partner guy, right? I think this is just to prepare us for the Rube Goldberg level. I shoot you. That this

movie will need. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Only having three surprise eye shot use is is is weaning us onto the to the act three finale here. All right. So anyway, Davey's still jogging. We got to cut back to that for a second because you can't get enough. And he got a stitch in real life. You could clearly he had to use three seconds of jogging for the end of the shot. And you could see him like belly over or just like, oh, fuck. Get that stitch. He kind of throws up a little bit. It's fine.

It's fine. I'm not. I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it. I swallowed it. I swallowed it. He's drinking the Gatorade too fast.

All right. So, but then we cut back to Jacob and Doc. They're riding along in the truck. And when you know there's just no more gospel on the radio. So lucky us, they're going to sing to us together. They're going to sing to each other and make eye contact the whole time. I wanted them to run over David A.R. White. One of us looks at the road. One of us always looks on the whiteboard. So yeah, but they don't. David A.R. White instead falls down all slow motion. And we go back to him running any trips so badly. So bad. I watched this over and over like 20 times. They had

to make a cut. Yeah, right. That means he fell wrong. Right. He threw himself to the ground and used the best parts and still didn't fly. All right. So else while in his flashback, George died and went to heaven for a little bit. Right. He could we get his ambulance ride thing. Right. So this means that David A. Or white is remembering an ambulance ride. He wasn't part of it. Yeah. Apparently. Yeah. And then we get more Davey jogging. He stands up from having tripped, which, which really strongly suggests that that really just happened as they were going. And he really does fall down. So clumsily.

It doesn't look right, but he stands up. He starts jogging some more. I would watch an entire movie of just David Arawite trying to do an Iron Man. We could set up a chair. We when we make our fake church, we could set up a charity fun run. I bet you heat volunteer. Oh, we could probably talk him into it. Get him some fetichini Alfredo right before they've really lost track of the fetichini thread.

I felt like in this movie. So okay. So now it's time to find out what's going on with Ascian. So we cut to the cops waking him up in his apartment the, I'm sorry, the Satan cops waking him up in a department. Oh, yeah. I love this character's physical change. He grew a goatee. He looks like every guy that ever took his kid to buy weed from me. It's fantastic. Yes.

They wake him up. They put shine of flashlight in his face. I guess they've broken it to his apartment. And Charles, he's acting tired, so hard. He's like, he's doing the like hand bit to the bridge of his nose thing. And he's like tired, mumble, mumble, tired. So ridiculous. And Captain Fredericks, the bad guy from the last one, the bad, yeah, Luton and bad guy. Russell stunt double. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. He's just sitting there on the guy's cat. Like, was he watching him sleep that all the time? So, hey man, you're a dicks out. Sorry. No, that's just checking it. Because I'm bad guy. You know, guys, we've been here for like 12 minutes.

You want to just sort of flashlight on him or something. So we want to make a noise. I was thinking when we came in, he'd sort of wake up from our presence, but he's, he's been a lot. I got a little bit. You don't have a lot in your fridge. Let me try. You don't have any Wi-Fi that made it a little bit harder, but then he wakes up, but he sees the guy and he starts talking to him. And there's just so much smoke. I don't know what we get it. He's the bad guy. Like he's smoking nine cigars out of nine different orifices. He's like above a swamp somehow.

It's too much. So and he's like, all right, we need you to come to work for us, Aschin. You've got to infiltrate the Christian group that's in the movie too, because you were a Christian in the last room. Remember, you could blend in and he's like, no, I gave up on that life. I'm focused on my scab and now.

Look at my, not a soul patch, obviously. But then he reveals that he's got a bit of an ace in the hole. He's like, we have your wife in custody. Apparently she was blind lady that was trying to buy stuff with money. Yeah, I couldn't tell because again They couldn't book the lady who had two lines from another movie and apparently not she had a lot going on Also, is it me or does butch in way under react to we have your wife and will execute her? Yeah, he's like, oh, fuck sake man. Yeah Don't He's like me when somebody says you've got a pay by check, right? Box, sake, man, yeah, don't.

He's like me when somebody says you've got a pay by check, right? Like, fuck what? Yeah, he's me when I find out they only have genius appointments before 1 p.m. It's just like, I mean, I will, but really? I could get a real computer for half the price. Not gonna. Might just throw this one in the garbage. And okay, so he's like, oh, you've got my wife, I'll help.

And he's like, you also have to get your old partner, Adam Marially, that's David A. R. White's character's name. He's escaped from prison, apparently. And this is also where they extract his hand chip, his biological chip. Oh, with, with, with Billy, it's not cool ever. Yeah. Like, like, like, it was a lug nut. Like, they might as well just like wave an Allen wrench from IKEA near his hand, like a magic spell and it just spins out. It's so stupid. They've got an implantable chip that can somehow be removed without anything bleeding, without an incision of some sort.

And we've seen this now in multiple rapture movies, just once I want a guy to bleed out, I want them to be like, Oh, my tendons, oh shit, there's a lot of stuff in your hands. Did they put an all-seeing eye on this thing? That's, all right, it says we're all the way in way in. Why wouldn't we put it somewhere where there's like just right under the sketch? No, it's not so much stuff in the testicles. So now okay now we've got to go back to that flashback because I now keep in mind that this flashback

It's not like usually in a movie where you're going back to a flashback several times It's because it's sort of like ties in and reveals something important about the present moment in the movie. This one will not, right? This is just a writer going like, I like it when they do flashbacks. So we flashback. Now this is so Davey and Ascian are meeting up at the hospital where George is and they found out that George is not only going to be as good as new, but he's going to be better George is not only going to be as good as new But he's gonna be better even he's gonna be Christian now Apparently right and the wife walks up to him and it's like you're covered in blood and he's like

Oh, no, it's fine not my blood and I just wrote my notes if I had a nickel for every time I'm alright. It wasn't my blood wasn't a good enough excuse If I had a nickel for every time I'm alright, it wasn't my blood wasn't a good enough excuse. All right. Just you. Oh, oh, oh, so this is where we introduced the love interest. Oh, Andrea Logan White. His wife again. This is her pre sharpness.

She's got that it hasn't fully chart. She's still got a smooth stone of a face instead of the dragon. Has it been whittled down by any surgeons? Quite yet. Yeah. Yeah. So we we find out that they were dating. She's she's in the FBI apparently. And David A.R. White looks so disappointed. Who's he?

Is like, really? You're the love interest. Oh, there she is. My love interest again. Oh, there she is my love interest All right, so now we cut back to the modern day and we have butch in leaving his house now There's this really conspicuous weird moment where he Thinks about it decides to leave the key in his door and leave it open but We don't know why and we and we we never will. They never come back to this

or any do they are my, am I just insane? Nope. They do not. Okay. All right. Now we cut to David. He's still jogging dustily. We are literally 18 minutes into this movie. And our hero is just now finishing jogging away from the opening scene. And for some reason, now he's covered in ash. Like it's not like it's like he's blacked up for some reason. He's got a cane and a hat. It's very nice. But yeah, this is where God puts a nice old abandoned house form full of food and water. Yeah, he drops down to his knees and starts praying in the middle of the desert and then a house,

an entire house appears like, you didn't see that house right? It's like 30 feet away. He looks up and he's like, it's like, oh, wait, this is, this is, oh, fuck, I should have looked forward. Right. And he runs into the house and chugs like six things of bottled water right away. Yeah, that's how I see. That's supposed to do that when you're dehydrated. I wanted the next 10 of the house and chugs like six things of bottled water right away. Yeah. That's how see that's supposed to do that when you're dehydrated. Like I wanted the next 10 minutes just be violent vomiting water and bile drying out of David R white. See, I wanted him to do the cinnamon challenge like he drinks the water and he's like,

Okay, this will be fun. This will be fun. I think I could win that. So and also there, then there's this moment, he gets his water and shit and he finds some food and then he finds the Bible very dramatically. I wanted him to put down the water and just take the Bible instead. Also, so yeah, he's supposed to be like this big moment in his life. He finds the Bible.

But like, if it's the Satanic Bible, does he start working for the global army? Right? That would be a great movie, actually. If he had satanic Bible, he's like, Oh, you know what? Good points. Good points. I mean, good statements. Okay.

Swapsies. I'm a dataist now. All right. So, else while back in the flashback, we have a George waking up from his NDE and talking to Davy Right, this is where he's like I died and so now I'm reading this year book He's like it's the Bible and he's like oh fuck I thought it was Thought it was weird. Oh, I was gonna recommend it to everybody I knew and he says I've been reading this book It's got some trippy stuff in here. I mean, so far it's mostly a genealogy that suggests

right. But I think it's better. And his example is crazy. He's like, so listen to this. Listen to this. This is insane. This is how good this book is. It says, a kid named Emmanuel will be born. And then centuries later, Jesus gets born. Yeah. For filling. Fucking rock. What? I again, like the last movie, I just really wish Noah was here for this conversation. Hey, body, how you feeling?

A dad, bad dad didn't came back. Well, then you didn't, you didn't die now, did you? Who's dying as is a forever thing? I've been reading this book. Is the Bible? Yeah. Some trippy stuff in this book, man. Yeah.

You mean like the eyeball monsters? A eyeball monsters. Yeah. Yeah. They sing about how great God is when he comes to throw the stars at the earth, eyeballs all over me, even on the inside. Nope, nope, not the eyeball monsters.

I've been reading the Old Testament in, it's really into the vegetarian lines or they're talking snake or they're talking donkey or how about that flood that kills all of the bones? I'm doing my thing. It's a proxy. There's a man. Wow, they're okay.

Sorry, thrown off. Here we go. There's a man who will be born called a manuel. And then hundreds of years later. Oh yeah, you know what? There's a guy called a manuel who works here. I think he's a nurse. Hey, a manuel, did you know you're in the book

with the eyeball monsters? Get the fuck out of here. No, it's true. Yeah, anyway, sorry you were saying Never mind I brought you an edible arrangement. That's a bad game Disagree Yeah, it would have been worth the movie it would have been worth the entire movie for me to just pop in for a second there. All right. So then we flash back to now and Davey's still in the house about to take the Bible when

suddenly a dude who I guess lives in that house comes in with a shovel. Oh, okay. Can we talk about this guy? He looks like Ron Howard read the YouTube comments on the trailer for solar. All of the YouTube comments on the trailer. And he has one of the greatest lines ever. I can't help but notice that we all wrote it verbatim in our notes. This is where he goes.

Antiquos put the Bible down and nobody gets hurt the best. Oh, no, I'm so bad to see a Bible standoff in one of these movies. Yeah, right. And guys, we're gonna throw us the Bible. The guy has a bullet in his chest pocket. It saves us. Yes. But yeah, but quick before this gets out a hand here, we go shovel whack it and whatnot.

Davey leans down and he draws an open parenthesis. Yes. He draws an open parenthesis on the sand. But apparently this is a symbol, right? Like because the other guy draws like the other parenthesis and it turns into a fish. It's China, right? No, yeah, right? Like because the other guy draws like the other parenthesis and it turns into a fish. A giant. Right.

I really hoped that guy thought it was a vagina because that would lead to a fantastic confusion. He's just like, all right. He goes, what? Oh, no, I'm a Christian. Yes, that's me. Oh, it's okay. This is not. Sorry, no, the stretch it off. They both draw a dick. No, no, no, no, we're not in sync. Let's just draw a team. There we go. That'd be easier. I could draw a line.

You cross it. It would be less stupid. Right. But it's an Ick this. It's the, it's Jesus fish. Yeah, right. Right. And that's their, their symbol.

I just wanted somebody to come and put little feet on it. Yeah, I was hoping an undercover bad guy would like draw feet and like he'd get caught because like, yeah, right. Oh, I said, we got to do this. That's why we do a symbol. Yeah, right. So, okay. So now we've got to Lieutenant Arm Cross, a brief in Aschen.

He's on his little, his tiny little dirt bike to go off and go undercover on. Because he's going to be a Christian now and infiltrate the, the good guys. And he is doing the worst job of motivating Aschen. He's like, here's your government credit card and some cash $40 a day per diem. Don't be a dick. Also, I didn't say I'd release your wife, which is the whole point of this guy doing this mission like lie. You're right. You're the bad guy. You have no morals. Yeah, and they have this amazing testy dialogue between the two of them. It is my everything. Oh my, the dialogue is like they're both trying to get the last word in, but they don't know what the other guy's script says.

All right. I guess I'll see you when I see you later alligator crocodile. But it's Christian writers trying to do this antagonism and they, them doing trash talk is the way it was like, do not s this up. I'm not emming around. All right. Yeah. It's a cuss word too.

All right. So and then at the whole time, black militia guy from the beginning, from the, from the prison van, he's watching all of this through binoculars. Right. the, from the prison van, he's watching all of this through binoculars. Right. And we have to clarify with his little assistant dude here why he doesn't have the mark, but is it to Christian? And it seems that he just like, doesn't like microchips, right? Yeah, he's just got a thing. He said, he said, turns to the guy, I'm not putting a chip in my butt. Boss, I don't think that's where it goes. Nobody puts anything up

my butt. All right. Okay. You see, you keep mentioning that. And then put that lunch at my butt. No. And the guy, though, the little, the dorky guy that he's talking to seems as confused by what's going on as I am. Yeah, I like, I like what he does here. He keeps asking questions and like, they don't, the movie doesn't have answers. Like he's like, okay, the global army knows we're here. Why don't they just raid this whole area? Like, yeah, still act one. Don't be dick. I just wanted him to keep ass. Like, he's like our guest for this episode. Like, Gimke guy is our guest. He's right. So, okay. So anyway, now we, David shovel buddy that he just met or walking around. They're, they're going to Christian tent city, because now Davey's

part of the team. What do we say, tent city? Or is it 10, six guys? Yeah. And they're so weird about their tents. They have these like tents the size of a human being. They're tiny and he's like, Hey, everyone come say I had an Adam. He's our new guy in our Jesus Hobo club. And they all crawl out of their little tents that they've been just laying motionless in during the day. Yeah, right. Why the fuck would you? Yeah. Uh-huh. These people have never camped. All all right so everybody comes out and hugs him Which man that's like right there that's good enough reason for me not to get raptured like ah yeah

No, no, I'll be part of the global government. I'm not big into hug. No, I'm okay. That's that's fine. You're a stranger I'm gonna go ahead and not press my body against yours not a school scorpion Lucas not press my body against yours. Not a school scorpion locusts. Also, this is where we see Andrea Logan white again. It's a horrible shit name. But she's married. Yeah, right, right, throw us for a loop there. And I just want to say right now, the worst part of the tribulation by far would

be running into your ex, who's married in the civilization right now the worst part of the tribulation by far would be running into your ex Who's married? You could be a part of I wonder what that would be like Oh my god, he's he's enright. Yeah, oh hey Ashley wow How are you? Yeah, oh hey Ashley Wow How are you? So do we like what do we do we hug her? Never mind. Oh, no, okay. No, just cool cool. Uh

Are you well, you know bad right rapture stupid. Oh, okay, I did Let your family disappear when I yeah like most of them disappeared right now. I remember your mom was Ligious yeah, not you though. I guess not this is my husband Eric. Hey, oh Cool cool. You're married cool cool cool cool. Yeah, awesome married. I'm gonna go eat some dental floss. You do that, hun. Yeah, it's funny You're the first person I've run into who I knew before the rapture and like Ever and you're married. It's So great. That's great. It's it's great that I married. Yeah great that great that you're married So

Will you be staying here for very long? Me? Nah. I'm, uh, I'm going to just keep mozing along, I think. Really? Because there's scorpion locusts out. You're going to get stung and be in terrible pain until you die. Yeah, that's, that's okay.

I'm going to risk it. I mean, you can stay with my husband and I. We have, we have an extra room. I'm gonna risk it. I mean you can stay with my husband and I we have we have an extra room No, no, no, I'm gonna chance it with the scorpion locust things. Thanks. Oh, that's okay great. Great to see you. Yep I wish I wasn't always the sad guy I wish I wasn't always the sad guy. We do the characters we can do. I love. So, okay.

So now we cut back to Ashton. He's pulling up a gas station on his dirt bike, but wouldn't you know what this very clearly abandoned gas station pump doesn't work? Obviously. What? He might as well go just like reaching to the air where a gas pump would be and be like, huh, nothing here. No physical object, damn.

Right, but instead, when he goes into the diner, and behind it, which is apparently open for business. Bustling. Bustling. Well, there's one guy there, but yeah. There's a guy. There's a guy and there's a menu. Yes. Did you guys catch the menu?

The items on it? By all means. Okay. So here's what they're serving at this diner. This is real by the way. That is real. They had a double check. They're serving cream of gold soup.

What? They're serving elk face and cherries. Not just, I mean, they garnish the elk face. They're not fucking monsters. Also fortune cookies. Fork. No, the dead not, not a food, the dish known as fork and crack pudding. What do you think that's crack cocaine? I think so. Yeah. They thought maybe we also have Laura Mipson pie You couldn't name foods We also have a stf. J. K. L. There we go.

Yeah, this is sad. Yeah, this is sad. So stupid. The game runs up and writes that So stupid. The game runs up and writes that. And we get this fucking cabbie from Roger Rabbit. It's the 1920s Brooklyn man. Yeah.

California desert. I only got burgers and sodas and water stupid alone with not him. All right. He's doing an impression of a guy doing an impression of bugs, bunny doing an impression of an Yorker. It's over the top. Yeah. He also he pours him the water and it's brown. I just wrote my notes water provided by Flint Michigan. Yeah, right. Also, that's apparently two dollars and 50 cents. But then action goes to pay with cash. Uh oh. So the guy was the guy just like, oh man, I should fuck you in a face myself.

And fucking, Ho-Dor was sitting in the corner the whole time and comes around to grab him and hug him to death. Yeah. He's about to get in trouble, but he spills the sugar on the counter at one point and he draws the half vagina fish thing. And so they realize he's a good guy and they're with him. Like, why do they think that's an amazing, like the movie thinks that this is cryptography.

Yeah. Like drawing only half of these fish means it's encrypted. Like, right, like everybody else is gonna look at that. Go, I don't get. Like bad guys would know if you just drew the entire fish, but this way, like a bad guy guy be like, okay, hold on What maybe he's just starting up a parenthetical statement in okay, and the sand that he's yielded just for this What do I add tell me what to add first and then I'll do the math

Afterwards, what about multiplying that? Bye. Also, why do these Christians keep evil laughing? Right? He learned that they're the good, but they're like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they charged, they tried to charge a stranger $2.50 for water. These are not good people. Yeah. Yeah. But no, but when once they find out he's a Christian, they're okay with him. And also this whole time we cut back to Lieutenant Arm Cross and he's like listening in with his guys at bad guy headquarters. Yep. He has a team of five guys just sitting in in stations listening to the same thing. Yeah. What do they like they trade off every fifth word? I'll listen to the high frequency. I'll listen to the Yanis. You listen to the laurels.

I guess. Yeah, I don't fucking know. It's amazing too, because these actors have to business and all of them are business so terribly. Yeah, no, they're just like twisting the same knob back and forth the same way. Yeah, over and over again. What are you steering? We're not even the cards. Yeah. Oh, my God. Okay. So now we cut back to that malicious squad, the guys from the from the prison van at the beginning. Now the black dude, the boss guy is doing conspiracy theory slam poetry. Well, his boys play a game of, there are two of us at the table, but four piles of cards sitting in front of us and some other cards. And then we're not playing.

They're playing. Let's see how many cards we can hold in our hands together. And they're not very good at it. Neither have gotten over nine. and they're setting up this weird fucking thing. Okay, I guess the malicious squad needs to get the supplies just generically from the Christians, right? Yeah. That's what's going on here. We have to cut back to this group of people like 11 times for them to say, man, we should steal those supplies from those Christians, huh? Yeah, maybe five six scenes from now. Sorry. Who thought having separate, less clear villains was a good move? Yeah, what? Yeah, half villains. Ween us on villains. All right. So now we're going to cut back to the water and hole where Davey and shovel buddy are hanging out.

At this point, I just call shovel buddy Ron Howard's mug shot. Just fishing with a stick and some yarn. I made a human hair like fishing equipment got raptured. Yeah, why don't you think there'd be extra fishing equipment now if anything. Yeah, but okay. And they're all talking about Jacobake of their city around saying like all wow jake was going to be in the next scene have we told you about him yet

and and how he keeps slipping quote he keeps slipping out of the hands of our enemies and quote and just and he pulls up what are the odds in the city script a hundred percent yeah they're definitely, definitely. Ron Howard is so disappointed that he doesn't get to introduce them. He's like, Adam, this is, oh, okay, you guys know each other. That's fine. Feel it. It's here. It's going to be an over five, but it's fine. No, no, it's cool. You guys know each

other. He just wrote in the heights. Enjoy. And this was a sexually charged moment. Was it not between David A.R. White and ex-Rabbi Jacob. There's just like so much heavy breathing. I couldn't hear what they were saying. Like they almost kissed a few times and the elite like all of a sudden they're spinning each other around in a field of wheat for no reason. And then by the way, we cut back to the military squad guys and they're like, hey, remember two scenes ago we were talking about needing them supplies. We still do need those, huh? Come over with an empty bucket. And he's like, that's the last of the supplies.

And he was like, the bucket of in there to surprise the pocket of supplies. Yeah. All right. So, okay, then we, we cut back to evil guy HQ and I love this fucking phone call because we have Lieutenant cross arms, growly face. He's on the phone with his boss. And these are the words that he says all is going according to plan. We're making progress.

You won't be disappointed. She's like, and then I was like, all right, I'm out of bad guy cliche. Bye. Yeah, for real. Ah, panty saved is a panty ear. Yes. And then, oh, and this is where we learn

that they've lost satellite contact because of the Jesus. The solar flares. There's The solar flares. There's been solar flares. Or was it? It's going to be God. No, it's supposed to be God making solar flares happen. Yeah.

And then they show the sun for a second to tell us what's happening. I wanted them to zoom in and it's just like Jesus and a demon angel is like, dude, can we just go kill the Antichrist this whole day? I just want to go back there anyway. Just solar flares.

You got the mouth sword all set now. This works. Do they think that like a solar flare is going to come out and knock out? It's like a tiny little solar flare that goes right to their fucking satellite. Solar lightning. Yeah. Oh, right, right. No, yeah, of course, solar lasers. And he yells at the guy. He's like, well, then fix it. Now, one of the guy to be like, all right, right. No, yeah. Of course solar lasers and he yells at

the guy. He's like, well, then fix it. Now, one of the guy to be like, Oh, fix it. Cool. I was just going to sit here. But yeah, no, I'll fix it now that you said fix it. All right. So that night, Jacob's chilling at Jesus camp. He walks up to Ariel Ogens husband and he's like, Hey, next scene, I'm going to need you to get killed in make room for the love thing that we've got going here. So don't forget that. Yeah. And then the movie confuses the fuck out of itself, right? Can we just admit that the movie here lost track of what was going on and which characters were in this scene? Yeah. So it's a different location, but the movie forgot, which is why it didn't transition. Like it's now to buttchins group of Christians, but like someone and the

editors notes had just put Christians sitting around a fire and there were two shots there. And so it just smoothly doesn't transition for one to the other. Right. We see David A.R. White and Jacob and all his buddies sit down and then we see Ascian and a whole door and all his buddies stand up. Just face twerking with that Ascian. So yeah, but like, oh, and also we get to hear the three guitar chords. This guy knows over and over again. Which is nice. Oh, the best. And we meet post-methediction Wednesday Adams for a second. Oh, Laura?

Yeah. Laura, the Christian lady does the little sermon here. Yeah. And Laura wants some dick. Oh, yeah. Sure, from Ascian. But okay, what do we think about Laura? I thought like she had hurt face.

Her physical appearance is a riddle. Like she's a geometrical oddity. I like her face. She's like a Mr. Potato head with an attractive woman's face on top. Okay. And you're into that is what you're saying and I am into why would you not be in to that all right.

That's no one I'm being and her speech her little sermon is so bad. She's like thanks for coming out tonight, everybody. Who's drinking a night? Who's fucking a night? Ladies. Yeah, but all we're really learning from this scene is that all the Christians have now accepted as Shin and have to give them a hug before they leave.

So much hugging. Oh, man, I'm going to say best worst hugging. Also, yeah, right. And honestly, it feels like the actors in this movie thought too hard about their hugging techniques, like they were told to like really workshops, mugs before you get to the set. And they all like thought we like, it's like they were like too stoned and like self-conscious about where their arms are.

Yeah, right. Where are you? What is hugging? It's when you put your arms around someone's waist and you realize that that's too close. So you run, you go up there back, but then you're rubbing your hands along their back. I get it. I'm in there. Now you're doing the robot.

All right, guys, look, if we all go under the left armpit over the right, it's going to look silly. So everybody bring a different hug. Double under. All right. So now, let's both double under. All right. So now, let's both go under. All right. So now we go back to Davey with his band of Christians and we have to sort of like at

least make a play at introducing the black guy we're about to kill off. And the way they open this up, this character's name is Doc. So the way they open this up is David Aeroink on. So you're a physician and he goes, no, I'm not a useful doctor. Even in their own movie, they can't create a doctor who would stay Christian. And their own movie has to be like, no, not a doctor of divinity. And I want to David our white to be like, okay, so don't call yourself doc then.

That was not actually not here. We would think you need help someone. A dog. Well, I'm bleeding. So definitely you're the worst. Is your faith injured? I can look at the face. You got some you got some Aquinas thoughts. You want to run past this head wound of mine? So and then they turned they brought Howard skeleton says, so Adam, how did you survive prison? And he's like, yeah, you know, mostly it was like seepia tone flashbacks miserable though. It appears that they beat him and gave him brand filled with Bible pages. Oh, weird day. It was a weird mix of experience. Yeah, we get the flashback to him. He's reading that one page of the Bible. He got during like the

toughest moments in jail, which, okay, was it just me? Did they all not heavily hint at him getting fucked by a cellmate? Right. Very much so every moment seemed to have a dude just off camera, right? Like at one point, seriously, he was praying doggy style. And we just don't barely know who's behind him. So yeah, so they talk about that for a little while. Jacob walks up and and and Jacob's like, Hey, you know what? I never did thank you for going to death row to let me out of that trunk. Yeah. It's the craziest thing. This is Jacob's transition. The, I'm in the scene now transition.

He's like, you know, they're hunting me. And if they catch me, they'll kill me. And all of you. And then Jacob steps into frame and goes, all right, let's get some sleep, huh? Yeah. Early morning tomorrow. Well, and then, okay, so and then Dave and I are white

and, and Doc leave. They're like, I guess we're no longer needed in this scene you guys need a two shot with Just Jacob and Ron Howard's ghost. Okay. All right, okay, and that's this is where they have the like gee I wonder what God's plan is with all this. It's almost like our world is governed by impersonal forces conversation, right? They're so close to it. They're so close. It's like oh This does seem kind of random and terrible. What? I grew a go T. I don't know if you noticed. I saw you. But meanwhile, in space,

okay, this is my favorite shot in this movie and possibly in movies. Also in Balganesh, I think it was a shot. Yeah. Right. So what we see is we see a satellite starting to move into frame. We're looking at Earth from above and we see a satellite start to move into frame and it is so obviously like a public domain NASA graphic or something like that, you know, or or a clip that they bought for 14 bucks or something made on a Commodore with logo. Yeah, right, right. And they can't even get,

like they couldn't even get their own Commodore graphic, right? They had to use an existing Commodore graphic because then we zoom in real close so that we can see that the name of the satellite is beast. But with dots. Yeah, no, yeah, right. He is apparently an accurate person. Something in their conspiracy. Yes.

Yes. I want to be there when they unveiled that. I'm not. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Dave Frank, you guys wanted to see me? Okay, well, what do you think? What is that? It's a giant evil microchip tracking satellite.

It's done! We finished it! No, I can see that. What's that? What's the writing? Oh, we wrote the name on the side. Yeah, the beast. Right, you wrote B-E-A-S-T-E on the side of it with the dots. And nobody's gonna know. Okay, what are you even pretending beast stands for?

Stands for beast. No, no, remember that's the whole point guys. Settle, right? Beast chip, illuminality design, and now beast and giant letters on the site. It's a beast at least has a stand for something. Um, okay.

Okay. All right. What if it's stood for a beast already? No. Already no. Okay. It's beast. It stands for battle. Essential. Nice. Allied. Sat, nice. Allied, satellite, yeah. Technolid. Nailed it.

Done. It stands for battle essential, Allied satellite technology. Yes. Yes, it does. I hate you guys. You wanna see the tank? Does it have beast written on it? Yes, and no

Oh On that tank please tank Again, how do you have happened at some point or do they like or do they like launch it up? They're like okay put that up once it's in space paint those letters son. Just an astronaut. Be oh shit. Yeah. I got a time myself to this thing.

So also, by the way, because apparently we just did not get and could not get enough Davey running in the desert. So now we get a dream sequence about him running in the desert some more. I know this dream sequence though. You're running towards your axe. It's in the middle of the desert. Where's his machete, though? Right?

Then she turns into Val Kilmer and fucks you up. I've had this dream is what I'm saying. It's just, well, okay, but that's my big question right here. Right? So he, in his dream, he sees Andrea Logan White and he goes up, uh, up the hill, the fucker. And she turns into lieutenant, pros and the arms, right? So aren't we saying that he's dreaming about getting fucked by a large army man?

What, like, what, what message are we trying to send about this? Call back to the prison memories. I think is what we're saying. Yeah, right right All right, and then he so he wakes up sitting straight and Then he goes after the watering hole where he runs into Kira said he's like, yeah, I guess the two of us haven't been on Camera in this movie has to pair up every possible combination of two people for a dialogue, doesn't it? So they have the awkward. So is your husband

bigger than me penis wise conversation? Oh my God, it's so great. She's like, so you're married. And she's like, yeah, I feel like the rapture was really my time to settle down. You were in prison. There's also this great moment where she goes, where do you go from here? And I wanted to be like, I don't know, hand stuff. I was feeling like, you want to jump right in. We could do the full. I just felt like hand stuff would be a good first night. No. But instead she's like, so tell me your back story in a one sentence summary. And, and so he does. And then she was, and like, she responds, she goes, humor, good. And I think, yeah, I think that's there because you would never have guessed

that was supposed to be humor if she didn't say it. Or maybe Andrea Logan White just says his emotions so that he feels like a good actor. Oh, humor, obviously. Obviously. That was an editor's note. It's like humor. Sure.

She was like, all right, I guess I'm keeping that in humor. Oh, it was just getting way too real. This was like the actual lives of these two actors being really sad. Just like, I never thought my life would turn out like this. Yeah, right. And she looks them up and down. She's like, yeah, you can almost see her be like, oh, gross. Can we do a real movie? God, good God.

Every time. This is also where like she's talking about how much she loves Jesus now. And he's like, huh, and you are a science major. A science major. A science major, believing in Jesus crazy. Give me a fuck. They couldn't look up a science. We couldn't look up a science.

They couldn't think of a science. All right. And then I wrote in my notes, oh my God, we're not even halfway through. And then Jacob shows up. Surprise. I'm in this scene too. Nobody fornicated or anything. It rises up between them.

Hey guys, whatcha doing? All right. So now it's time for Jacob and David to have a one on one. rises up between them. Hey guys, what you doing? All right, so now it's time for Jacob and David to have a one on one. And this again, yeah, right, and not for the last time. This is where they talk about doubt. Yeah, and Jacob's like, look, sometimes I don't believe in God, which is fucking stupid because I can do magic and talk to him. He's got this great line where he goes, faith, doubt. God made it so you can't have one without the other. I'm like, no, no, you can have one

without the other. But yeah, but Davey's frustrated. He just doesn't get God's plan. And Jacob's like, yeah, well, God never said we'd be rich or successful. And he said, people would hate us. And again, it's just way too real. Yeah. We're sad Christian actors talking about real life. We do in the scene where I can scream yet. No, no. Okay.

All right. Tomorrow. So, yeah. So Jacob ends the scene with a prayer. He's like, Lord Jesus, be with us. Strengthen our faith. Arpeggiate a or cordon to background, if you don't mind, like that.

And he also during the series, like, oh, I appreciate those Bibles, you've smuggled into jail for me, thanks him for like getting that one page. And he's like, well, thank Jesus, not me. And I was just picturing a bunch of angels trying to like, keystere an entire Bible for getting there.

And he's like, what's his favorite passage? What, find out? If we all take a book, I don't want to get sobs, how come I got sobs? Fuck you. All right, so okay, late that night, the military squad guys are planning because we need another scene of,

hey, hey, remember us, we're in a scene, we're in a movie, we're the like medium bad guys. We gotta go get the food. Yeah, okay, so but this is the part where the black guy wakes up his gimp and he's like, hey, I need you to get this message to global police, military, Satan. And he's like, why?

And he's like, we're gonna double cross ourselves. I don't, I don't know, man, you know, just, we're doing, we to get the supplies remember supplies generic MacGuffin of this film So yeah, so he gives him a note to go And he's like how will I get this to global? He's like you'll figure something out your clever But he's not no He just clever, but he's not. No, he just writes it down on a piece of like legal pad and sticks

it on a tree somewhere. He's like, here, global army guy. That's exactly it. Thank God, you found this sign in the random road. We want 30 pizzas. But at those questions for you. But when you know it, Lieutenant Fredrick strives right by the next morning. Drives right by in his Subaru, right? This is very clearly a minivan, but they put a decal on the side of it, so it's a military vehicle. Yeah, I wanted someone to be like, hey, can we at least take the car seat out versus no? It's trouble.

My kids. You know how hard it is to get that fucking thing beckled in right? All right. Well, they're sure acting like some conflict just got set up. So we might as well take a break here. But first, let me give you the heart cell here. Will Aston betray his former partner? Will Davey puzzle out God's mysterious ways. Will the black soldier do

do whatever the fuck it is? He keeps talking about doing. Find out the answers to these questions and more. When we return for the, we suddenly ran out of money conclusion of the moment after two, the awakening. Heath, he then right? Yeah. Uh, he's, he's in right. Uh, yeah. Hello. Oh, it's, it's Rick. Rick Jones from Central High.

Rick. Wow. Uh, you, you, um, I lost all my hair. Oh, no. Well, no. I was going to say that something there. I was going to say that I, no, no, I know. I look like my dad now. So I don't, I don't remember your dad being, uh, no, he's dead.

So skeleton, you know, lost all his, right. Hey, right. Sorry for your loss. Yeah, well, you know what they say? 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35. So I meant your dad. Oh, right. Yeah, him too.

Thanks. Yeah. Can I ask, why don't you just try four hymns.com? The four hymns.com, what's that now? That's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. It feels like you need.

Oh, like the place at the mall with the pink sign of the lady on it. Like this shadow. Nope, because I go there a lot. Yeah, looks that way. No, but for hymns.com, it connects you with real doctors and medical grade solutions to treat hair loss. Ah, thanks.

I actually already tried that stuff there with pills. I bought them on the internet and they turned out to be yak milk Extract and I got attacked by a yak. It was I don't know if you saw it was in the paper. Oh, yeah, no, I did see that no They don't have any like snake oil pills or gas station counter supplements They have prescription solutions backed by science. Oh That sounds good, but honestly, I can't go to do another doctor's visit, he's married to my ex-wife now. So that's always awkward.

That's a weird tip for me. I don't like this. Well, for hymns.com, when you go there, you don't have to wait in the doctor's office. You just answer a few questions and a doctor prescribes what you need. And then the products are shipped directly to your door. My mom's door. Living with her now. Since the divorce.

But a door. Jesus. Okay. Well, um, do you want to order now? Our listeners get a trial month of four hymns for just five dollars right now while supplies last. See website for full details. This would cost hundreds

if you went to the doctor or a pharmacy, just go to four hymns.com slash Gam. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S. dot com slash G-A-M. Sorry, I was texting my kid to come pick me up. He's got a, he's got a pizza thing. So I, what was the address again for the four hymns? I think so twice. Four hymns.com slash game. Cool, cool. Yeah, I'll give that a look. We should hang out sometime. What's your number? Let's hang out.

Sure. My number, it's seven. Seven. Wow. I gotta tell you, so many people I run into. Have that number. It's crazy. Yeah. It's a big, big house. Well, a bunch in there, huh? A lot of us with seven. All right. You're in my, my phone that's still a flip phone. Oh, got it. Oh, I'm going to think on this thing. I'm serious about this. We should have brunch. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, Chris. Chris, my man. Oh, okay. Hey, I'm going for a handshake there. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I thought we could do like a, probably best not to. Okay.

Yeah. No problem. Okay. All right, so Chris, we love your reading for the character of Black Military Guy. Thanks, thanks. Is the race like written into the, that's what it's like?

But stop me if I'm wrong here. We were hoping, you know, we liked your reading, but we were hoping you might, you know, Samuel Jackson it up a bit. Samuel Jackson it up a bit. Samuel Jackson it up a bit. Yeah, you know, like when you do the Bible versus a little more fire theory. Oh, like like Samuel Jackson in pulp fiction. Exactly.

Exactly. And like Denzel. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He got nothing. Oh, okay, don't, don't you do that? Boy, sorry. Sorry. Thought it's just helpful. All right, guys, got nothing on me. Okay, don't, don't you do that voice on it. Okay, sorry, thought it's just helpful.

All right, guys, I gotta be honest, it sounds like you just hired a black guy hoping he'd sound like all the other black actors kind of at once. Oh, that's great. You guys are good. Okay, well, let me ask you this, besides Samuel Jackson and Denzel Washington,

who would you like me to use as an inspiration for this character? Can you name a another besides those guys? Uh, uh, uh, Denzel, no, Barack Obama. Yeah. Okay. We're done. Right. He's half half. You can't don't, don't say anything. This white guy. And we're back for more of this shit. And're gonna rejoin the action with another quick gospel sing along with Doc and Chris's husband and Also, of course it turns into a hummelong too. They Forgot the words at the same

Clearly also Greg me even wrong. I believe this is the first hummelong We've had in our 144 episode history. I believe so yeah, like apparentlymelong we've had in our 144 episode history. I believe so. Yeah. Like apparently the scene just went on too long. They're like, oh, there's no more. There. All right. So elsewhere, by the way, how do I is passing Aston off the shovel, buddy. Now they have a swap system with new Christians. This is where Aston, because they keep saying, like, take him to cluster five. Take him to cluster. I need you to get a message to cluster

three. And so Aston goes, like, Hey, guys, why cluster? Yeah, it's like grapes, you know, clusters. It's our thing. Yeah, you're being a dick. You're being a dick. He's like, he's the vine and we're the, all right, hold on. Are you really a Christian? Are you some kind of spy clusters? Obviously. So fun fact, grapes, they come in bunches, not clusters. Clusters obviously. Oh, so fun fact grapes. They come in bunches, not clusters. True. All right. So remember the military squad guys, they're gonna take out the Bible thumpers when they come down desert Ben Rhodes. We get this just amazing spaghetti western villain shot of these guys. It's the best. It's the best. It can only be described as closer, no closer, closer Dave.

And we're watching them like hike through the mountains or wherever the fuck they're going with leather whipping noises. Yeah. I thought they were going to zoom out and some guys just going to be whipping leather for no reason. Another guy like knocking coconuts together. Yeah. Yeah, I thought they were gonna zoom out and some guys just gonna be whipping Another guy like knocking coconuts together. Yeah, somebody's humming rye Yeah, but they decide that we're gonna get them when they come around desert bend road and the Nate again the naming Like when to come around

Jeff Jake is that like when to come around ASGF Jake. Yeah. Right. Come across and this is sad with Jerry's rope. My hands on the keyboard row. No. All right. So now they're going to tag these two guys are driving along in a Ford F-150. Two guys that little dirt bikes are chasing them.

Hey, you know what you should do if someone chases you in your car on dirt bikes, hit them with your car. Yeah, no, they're riding right behind them. Just hit the brakes. They both go over or anything. Do anything. You can't lose here. No, exactly. Just keep driving. What are they going to do? Right. Well, and that's what they do. Right. They're like, they think these guys like trick them into turning. Right Did they even like I didn't even understand it's like the secret plan was to get to to make them stay on the same road. Did they turn to a different? There were two where there are fours the Jeep in front and then they make the turn

so that they're going towards the place where somehow the note communicated. They were going to drive the guys. They didn't know were leaving towards the even batter evil guys where there's going to be a sniper is what it's about happens. So just put the sniper before the fork then. What the fuck is they need to be on that road? What's accomplished? Yeah, right. How are these guys part of the plot? Yeah, it was, it seemed like a bit of a convoluted idea here. Also, so shovel buddy and ask Chin apparently

are in a position where they can see this wreck from a distance, right? They're watching through binoculars and shovel buddy, I'd run howards ghost. He wants to help them, but ask Chin's like, no, there is no helping them. I'll dramatically pull you back here. And you're a really, really small dude.

So I will very clearly pull something out of socket when I do. Okay, so we cut back. Okay, so they've shot the driver. That was Corris's husband, huh? What are the odds of that? 100% in this stupid script. But we get this amazing scene because they've shot him and like the the bad guy pulls his face back from the steering wheel and then let's it go

and the guy like he lays his head gently back down the steering wheel and so slowly he turns his face away from it and everything as he lays back down cut can we get the stunt dead guy? Yeah, we can't get a stunt face. It has to be your face.

It's not saying cut. No. Well, then I'm doing this. I do. So I rewound that like four times. I like, no, wait, really? Did he just like gently lay it? Okay, he did the airbag deploys blast.

So yeah, so he lays back down in Angry Birds gravity somehow and they pulled Doc out of the truck, right? So it's it's a lieutenant cross the arms and Doc and they have another one of those, like, you know, cliche bad guy line followed by cliche good guy line conversations. Oh, what do we say followed by or at the exact same time? Yeah, right, right. They're doing the confrontation from laym is but without the same. I am warning you, Joe, I have been a strong gun man.

So like a solid two minutes, they talk at the same time without acknowledging the other one. And eventually Doc prays so hard that that Colonel Fredrick's, that's the character's name is going to kill him. And but, but of course, like in the middle of this, both of them talking at the same time, Doc is going to get punched in the face by, by Colonel Fredrick's a lot from really weird angles.

He's like, okay, I'm gonna punch you from up to left. The directions of all the fighting in this movie will become less and less sensed, right? Yeah, right, right. Exactly. It gets even worse. Also, just small thing. I love if this scene wasn't exactly like the Rodney King video.

That's exactly what we really is. Just for white cut off from black. I just getting beat up for no reason. Yep. And then, well, and then shot. And then shot ended a little different. But yeah. Um, yeah. Okay. So, and, and of course, again, ask Chinn and run Howard Scostor watching this whole thing and they're very sad. So apparently they run and get Richard. He's not quite dead, which is why he gently laid his face against that steering wheel. Clearly, he's the rest of his strength. Yeah, exactly. So now, Ascian up and run Howard Scost pull up, they've got Richard's nearly dead body. This is where Ascian and Davy meet up again for the first time.

Now Davy, of course, as you recall from the last movie, they split up when Davy went to rescue Jacob and stole the car and Ascian is the one that turned him in, right? So they're still mad at each other. They still have conflicts. Okay. Right. And Jacob breaks up their fight by doing the mock arena between the two of obviously got like a finger in the eye during the first take.

So then the second take, he was just like waved his hand gently between them. And he was like, okay, you stop fighting now. He danced like if this is America, can you do that in between? Okay. Good. All right. So, okay. Now we have the husband dying scene,

which is Jacob, his spiritual leader and close friend, Karissa, his wife, and David A.R. White, who he just met. Yeah, why would you be there too? Well, and look, and he even shows up, David, shows up and he's just like, hey, so is your husband dead yet? Do you still, you still taken momentarily. You know the old joke, is it should I wait until he's cold?

Is that a literal thing? I'm just having fun. We should get out of here. Yeah. Oh, and then there's also this moment where like as he's dying, he says, Hey, the commander said that we might have a spy among us. And it cuts immediately to Andrea Logan White as he's saying that. Like, guys, I wonder who it could be. Yellow arrow appears. I found the clue. Um, so I would tell you that. Yeah, right. he said specifically that he has a mole in your thing. Tell you that. He did it.

I don't know. It's the act three. That's the only. Yeah, let's be a very poorly act numbers. The only motivation for any action in this movie. So bad. Oh, so, oh my God, can we take a minute to talk about what a terrible actor, Andrea Logan White is?

Mm. Right. Yeah. Like this is what, well, first of all, the husband just as he's about to die, he grabs David Air White and he's like, please fuck my wife after I'm gone or whatever. And then she has to do her sad. Oh, God, it's so good. Oh, I was crying for all the wrong reasons. He wakes up. He's like, David, remember most orgasms are glitter. She's like, he said most.

What? Procedede. I heard him say prostate. So, and then they, the old joint hands to pray together. And Dave is like, oh, I'm in this too. Okay. Me. I'm also in on this I'm in this too. Okay. Me. I'm also in on this. I met this guy minutes ago, but I'm just trying to fuck his wife the whole time is all. All right.

So now, Ascians sitting by the river, hoping Dave will show up for a, for a dialogue and he does this dialogue is so bad. Literally, it begins with so how about the weather? Yeah. We've moved these poorly written because he's like what a stupid thing to say. Yeah. Right. David A.R. White's character is pissed off about this pro-medic dialogue. He's like, the weather really is not what we're talking about in this scene. Fuck who wrote this? I'm going to start pureflix. he's worth $12 million Oh, geez, he's even aerway

No, I want to be on the other side I spent the last week figuring out a can of four to house I don't care about your nice face Mac messages I want the money Edit this out I don't care Money and it this out I don't care

You're smarter than your dad there you got it All right Eli's retired it'll just be me and he finishing it out guys. Sorry I'm going with Eli On my own. All right. So, uh, Davian and Astrid are arguing and Astrid is like, what's the matter? Do you think I'm a spy? And he's like, yeah, you have to tell me if you are, you have to show me your dick. Show me. I can prove you're a Christian right now. Just really pray to Jesus. Show me. you're a Christian right now. Just really pray to Jesus. Oh, mean it. Also, I love they do this little metaphor thing that goes way too far. He's like, sorry, I'm running a little low on trust today here at the trust store. And he's like, oh, yeah, maybe you run to the trust bank and get it

with growl. Oh, I'm afraid inflation of trust has made that just impossible. It's a similar one and out of windows made out of trust. Trust has been printed. Sorry, what we got to hold up. Okay, boy. So yeah, so Ashton gets sick and tired of that analogy and walks away, but wouldn't you know it? Jacob just dampens to be standing right there waiting for his turn to be in this scene. Yeah, man.

How? How long were you there? Yeah, he's like, well, he comes up just as Astjan's leaving and he comes up and he gives the, you know, Davey bless your body. I don't know what a bless, Astjan, Davey. Let's do it. Then they have the most bizarre mental breakdown ever caught on film. Oh my God, it's amazing.

It is very clearly these two actors actually losing their mind. Absolutely. Again, just so real and so sad. And he's like, this is Jacob describing like the plight of being Christian without realizing it. Instead, he's in character. He's just like, we fight evil with invisible stuff. It's fucking real though.

It's, it's working. It's going, it's going to be working. I'm so much better because the thing is, David does the like, oh, I ran into this cell for two years We're like okay, David good acting and then Jacob's like I fucking wanted to be an actor Four years and why you Don't god's not dead Nothing human Fuckin' Google! You're nothing human! You try to buy a house? I have no money!

No house! I wanna get in this podcaster! F*** I just get fat and thin and fat and thin! Oh my god, it's can't decide whether or not to inflate a balloon! And you assholes can't Google whatever stuff we've done! Ah, balloon! I have a motion! I'm allowed to have a motion! Ha ha to have emotions. My whole notes here are just,

oh, really watching Jacob have a meltdown here. Uncomfortable. And like, David A.R. White is uncomfortable too. He's like, cut. Cut. He's good. It's like they programmed a robot to act and it's critically malfunctioning.

It's so amazing. He starts, David starts to walk away at one point. He's like, okay, I'm, well, David starts almost crying. Oh my God. God is playing. Is the fuck. Please let us make money at the box office. So yeah, please, please, please. And I guess what we're going for, we're supposed to see him like, this is like Jacob forgiven the shit out of me. This is like hardcore forgiveness here or something. And it's the best at the very end of this day

and day or white. Again, just purely himself in reality. He was like, are you gonna be okay? I'm just gonna be in Jacob's like, literally exactly where it's all probably break down like this again tomorrow. And all the other tomorrow's, I'm on a daily. I'm on a daily. These are right. Regular meltdowns for me.

I sure would have the one thing that gets me through when the movies are this bad is the fact that usually Eli's already watched them. So as I'm watching them, I get to see Eli's notes. And after I got to the end of this absolutely bat shit crazy monologue, I glanced down and saw one of my favorite Eli notes of all time, because you care to share your last note Eli. Never go full cage. Never go. Okay. Got that capture at the moment perfectly. All right. Full steel. You guys would know that if we did fucking steel.

All right. And now, okay, evil HQ has fixed their technical glitch with the sun. I wanted them to just be like an astronaut floating in front of the sun. And one of those things you put on your windshield cover just that. He's got a little fire extinguisher. Right. We turned off the solar flares. So that's good now.

Okay. But do we have the heat seeking helicopters? And he goes, no, they're down now because of bad weather. But and then they both literally look up at the beautiful sunny skies. Yeah. Like, are we both saying this cut? No? No, he's like, what?

No, but look at the satellite. He's like, well, no, that satellite image has rain, but we're standing right here now, outdoors. I wanted the third guy in the scene to just be like, not helping Jerry. Pours water on his head. Huh. Really coming down out there. No, we can still see the.

All right. So okay. Now we have to get doc and Richards funeral. And basically the Eulogy is, dear Jesus, I know you've probably got some clever act three twist in mind that'll make this all make sense. So, uh, for sure, we're good. Yeah. He literally starts his Eulogy with look. I know it's not the time or the place. And I was like, please say who took my yogurt out of the fridge. I was saving that. like please say who took my yogurt out of the fridge. I was saving that.

No, but instead he says it's time for us to scatter the camp. He's like, we can't be campin' right where all these dead bodies are and shit. Once I would be like, okay, well, why don't we just bury the bodies somewhere? I'm not. Fuck. That would have been so much. God, we ought to hear. It's the way I talk to people. Oh, fuck that one. Oh, God. We are here. We're just watching dig up the bodies awkwardly. I got him in the lung with my shovel.

This is going to be a mess. A lot. So pull him out slow. All right. Yeah. So they now they invite ask him to be part of their Christian team. He's made it past like whatever the first layer, the actors all stand around like perpetually wowed

by how awful this movie is. There's another one of these, like that is so real moments where like David A.R. White and Ascien are standing there going like, Buck is going on here, right? Literally, he's like, ah, this movie's weird, right? Like, nobody's saying we're Jacob freaked out. And that was, I'm not comfortable.

That was one take and we did not do a second. I was not, no, no. So, but apparently this is all part of the plan from the malicious squad medium bad guys, right? Because they're watching this and they're like,-ha They're gonna leave and go to Callaway Ranch and that's where we'll strike them. It's like why? Why? Because we promised to fight in a barn Once they pass the latitude line below which they're on base we can

which they're on base, we can get what the fuck the block. They flushed them out to a dip. They already knew where they were. Why does anything mean? It's so fucking uselessly confusing. All right. So they go up, they go up to Calloway Ranch. Barnes are pretty in the morning. It's like an intro to soft core barnyard porn, like a beautiful mayor steps out of a stall and he's going to fuck it, but like not actually fuck. They're both wearing cock socks. If that had happened, it was going to be a one with that. You mostly see Titt. Yeah, right.

Right. So, yeah. So Jacob is barning and David and Ashton are putting camouflage on the car and forgiving each other. This is okay. I just want to walk through what happens. They're, their buddies now, right? They've forgiven each other. They're talking about how much they forgive each other. And then he's like, yeah, man, I mean, they have my wife. And he's like, give me your belt. See? Tracker. Yeah, it was, it's supposed to be this moment where David A. R. White like figures out like, you know, like, uh, ask him, let something slip and he figures out, but it doesn't

make any fucking sense at all the way that because they don't have a good enough writer to actually pull that off. Or why he would think the tracker was it like it's the first place he looks. He's like, all right, let's check the belt for the old tracker. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And then this is where Davey gets mad and slow-mo punches him. Oh, so good. This awkward lefty punch is the best. They had to make a cut again. They had to edit together a punch with like four is the best.

And he yells, yells, leave, or I'll kill you myself, but he gets so amped about his fake stage punch that he picks up like a thick Southern accent for the line. Like live, we're all killed. Must be. So we'll leave her up. So it is. And also, okay, if they've got a tracker and you're already at Calaway Ranch, how would him leaving help? Right? They would just like know the place he left from and still know where you are. Anyway, okay.

So meanwhile, Jacob is still in the barn, barning, when David runs to warn him about the tracker. This is also where Ascian's boots that you expect Mario to use to jump over spikes come into the film. Yes. Right. Cause he's like, I don't just have a tracker. Look, I also have this gigantic cigarette lighter thing in my boot. It's a garage door opener. It is a full on garage door opener. Yep. That's almost certainly what they what they used. Yeah. And then they let him leave. They're like, okay, well, I guess you've got to go, huh?

Get out of here. Yeah. Go on, get the throwing rocks at him. Full minute of mouth. All right. Okay. So now the military squad guys, no, not that military. The medium bad guys are getting ready for their strike by putting on

They were clearly going for camouflage here, right? Yeah, they're wearing camo not of anything particularly Of desert and jungle and clown paint But the two guys are putting on two different types of face paint, like for different tactical jobs. Right. No, you're going to go through the jungle. I'm going to go through the desert.

I'm going to be an outfielder for a baseball game on a sunny day. Factory. Yeah, right. Yeah. So, yeah, we were watching grown men play army for a while and really enjoy it more than is comfortable. So they put on all their camo and they arm up and they're going to go to break into the barn where all of the Christians are so they can take those supplies.

Remember, but no one's in the barn. Or wait, no, someone is global military guys have snuck in there. And they do the like, poof, bright lights thing. Yeah, and everyone's holding guns on each other. Yeah. Okay. First of all, like, how do you walk into that barn without saying, Oh, there's like four guys with lights standing in all the corners. That's interesting. Watch the court, watch the court. Yeah. Right. So yeah. So and this is where it's like, oh, Captain Jackson, the character that all doesn't really make sense. I guess it's time for me to kill you. So stupid too. He gives the like bad guy. The guy's pointing a right. He has a rifle out already. And he just walks out into the open kernel Fredrick's and he's like, well, well well well

If it isn't Robert's gun foot stop Put it out Robert Jackson damn it Yeah, just shoot back So yeah, so everybody starts shooting now the Christians apparently are sleeping in the field nearby Why? Yeah, they decided to hide out near the place they knew would get attacked by two different groups of bad guys. And then they'd wait to hear automatic gunfire and then move again. Yeah. To be safe later. I can't right away. But not safe. Yeah, exactly. They want to be medium safe. You want to be a, you want to find a nice medium safe.

And I love to when they all wake up, David airway goes, that's automatic gunfire. It's like, what did you think they would think it was? Right. It was like Eli, do it room noise or something. No, no, that's a barrel rolling down a ramp. Yeah. I didn't fart. What?

It's automatic gunfire. It's automatic gunfire. It's automatic gunfire.'s automatic. Come on. Come on. All right. So, but Davey has to go. He's like, I can't go with you guys. I have to do like a one on one battle thing.

It's just the way the movie ends. They're like, that doesn't make any sense. He's like, I know. And then he runs off. And then Karissa pulls out her garage door opener. And she's like, by the way, in case that shot was through subtle, I'm the spy. Yeah. That's right. Which means that David A.R. White turned to the script writer and he's like, let's make my wife a secret bitch in this movie too. Like, like she is in most of the movies that I do. That's his contract. Yeah. That's in my wife's the secret bitch contract.

All right. So, but Davey has gone off apparently it's time for the boss fight. He's gonna have to have it out with Colonel Crowley voice. And now, let me save everyone some time in this fight, which is Mwah, Fabulous. Right. To call this fight choreography slow motion is an insult to motion. But also Colonel, whatever his name is, has super strength. We're going to learn why he's a demon or inhabit environment or something.

He's Satan. He's Satan. But for the first 20 minutes of this fight, you're just going to be like, that's not how kicks work. Yeah. So David A.R. White shows up in the barn. And Fredericks is like, David A.R. White doesn't even turn around. You know, he can tell by the smell. Oh, yeah.

He doesn't know, look like agent Riley. Yeah. So good of you to come. Bad guys should always, like I was talking about Jacob doing this. Bad guys should always have the spinny chair for sure. This moment just no matter where they are and glasses on so they can pull them off, you know, and good guys should occasionally trick them by like backing in with their own spinny chair.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So good of you to come. Got you. I didn't turn. So.

So, okay. So David airway says I'm here to stop you, Colonel Crowley voice. And he's like, how do you propose to do that? And he's like, my awesome karate skills. And so they get into their fight and the dialogue in the fight is great. He's like, the bad guy is like, you're God as a myth punch. Your faith is a joke punch. Atheism, Kea.

Yeah, exactly. And yeah, and then suddenly as superhuman powers, he starts growling in slow motion. And we realize that, yes, Colonel Fredrick's has been satan this whole time. That's the act three twist, guys. He is the devil. He's the devil. He's the devil. Yeah. Also, there's another great one of these moments where they get too carried away with their own analogy, right? Because like a cockroach.

Yeah, yeah, he goes, you're like a cockroach. And David Aeroid's like, I am like a cockroach and that I was created by God. Zing. 6,000 years ago, plus like two or three hundred million was close. He's like, okay, you know what, I take it back through the, like the next thing down from the cockroach, you fucking patent, okay?

Also, he cheats. He like throws pockets in in his eye and like, it was weird to have the hero cheat in the fight. Right? But now this is very important. So they start fighting and then eventually Davey realizes he goes, Hey, wait, flesh and blood, spirit. So he throws away like the board that he was using to whack the guy with. So what we're realizing here is that, you know, Davey could kick this guy who's three times as size as asked what he's choosing not to because

of all the Christianity. Right? This is where Colonel Frederick says to start yelling, hate me. I need you to hate me. I'm melting. He raises the wood up to kill him, but then butch and shoots the wood out of his hands. There's a lot of but then about to happen. Oh my God, there are so many butthens about to come. But then can we also talk about the jump kick? Oh, God. Oh, that's right. We

I skipped. He rises up like he does like like Trinity and the Matrix doing the crazy jump kick and he hovers the every second he kicks David R white and David R white flies backwards through the air like through several different universes. They put together like 12 different backwards flying moments and they took their favorite parts and spliced it's a black guy for a second. Then he's like upside down and also Chun Lee from Street Fighter. He's smashing through a barrel that's there. All of a sudden, he should have landed next to Michael Shannon and Zod and just been like,

oh, hey, how many buildings did you go through? Yeah. But then, yeah, so, so so he he's got his board. The bad guy picks it up and he's like, I'm gonna kill you and he's like, I'm gonna go to heaven and he's like, oh, I'm gonna really kill you now that you said the heaven thing. But again, but then Ashton shows up shoots the board out of his hand to which he responds, dude, I have your wife and aschians like yeah He is his whole motivation up to this point has been to save his wife He's like yeah, but you know you were gonna probably kill her anyways like I did say that I was probably

It's true. I did a bad job. Also, I'm a demon now Yes, I've got demon stuff like coming out of me and whatnot. So okay, so now aschian is about to shoot Fredrick's but then Jacob walks in and has to talk him out of me and whatnot. So, okay. So now, Ashton is about to shoot Fredrick's, but then Jacob walks in and has to talk him out of his vengeance, right? To be more Christian. He's the worst classic movie climax of whiny speech. Yeah. Right. He's that guy who, when you were like arguing with someone, jumps in and pretends that it's a fight and you're like, Hey, whoa, we were really just having a, you have escalated this situation by how emergent you're being right.

Yeah. Right. But in this case, they're actually in a gunfight and Jacob like distracts him from the gunfight that he's in and he gets shot. Well, right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Cause yeah, then the guy goes to shoot Jacob.

Uh, uh, fucking, ask him points, pushes him out of the way and he gets shot now Jacob is supposed to be the good guy in this movie right in both of these movies He's responsible for all the death. Yeah, exactly. Is he not pretty much and then of course, okay And now just to make this super fucking weird military guy the black guy Jackson comes back to life to shoot Colonel Satan, who stays alive just long enough to shoot him back. And then as soon comes back to life, it turns out those bullets in his chest were just a flesh wound.

I want to be there for the planning of this scene. Yeah, I don't want to be there that day. That storyboard. Right. Okay, everyone. Today is the big day of the final fight scene. So just to be clear, David, you fight with Monty and then Justice, he's about to kill you.

Kevin shoots the wood out of his hands. Okay, got it. No, let me finish. Let me finish. So then Kevin, you're about to shoot Monty, but Brad steps in and stops. Okay. Not done. Let me finish.

But then Monty shoots Kevin and you turn a shoot, David, but at the last minute Christopher shoots him with the machine gun and saves it. Okay. But then, but then money wakes up again and shoots Christopher. Okay, Jesus. Is that it? It's getting. Yes. Right. Or is it? Is it though? Because we got to tell us. Yeah. Okay. just in just in mind. He's not dead at all And that is literally how this movie ends all in like as I was reading to the fucking sketch and shit I'm like no that he's literally just describing the end of this goddamn movie

I can sketch and shit. I'm like, no, that he's literally just describing the end of this goddamn movie. So yeah, so they, they, they, they go out, they walk off and talking about the weather. Again, because this movie is unaware of that itself, aware of how bad it is. And then we have to, of course, zoom in on Colonel Satan's face so he can wake up and go, he might as well wake up and go, part three motherfuckers. Go funny.com. Yeah. All right.

Well, okay. That whole ending had a feeling of desperate rewrite to it. If you ask me, so the close things off, I want you guys to speculate a bit. What do you think was the original twist ending that they rejected? Oh, uh, Jacob plugs his nose and breathes out real hard in his Jew horn, shoot out of the top of his head and kill a corner Fredrax they just pop Right in the heart

There's a Jew Jew horns. We write exactly and then the editors like I'm not doing this man. I'm not doing this my mom's Jewish I was thinking the entire plot of the butter battle book by Dr. Seuss just like another 90 minutes escalating silly weapons Got those both would have been so much better. All right. Well, that's gonna do it for our review of the moan after two the awakening But that's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need to loop the tube for next week So Eli tell us what's on deck my daddy is in heaven. Oh What's on deck? My daddy is in heaven.

Oh, for fuck's, that sounds fun. Someone sent me a picture of this case at Walmart and I was like, must do. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I would say so. Alright, well with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 140 40 1 merciful clothes. Once again a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go if you'd like to catch yourself among their ranks. You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to them by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a the a citation needed

and the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever I was podcasted live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoffalmoviesatgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P.A.D.R. Taurus. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotny, Louisville Draftson Mars, all of the music was written and performed by our audience and your Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right Neelye

Bosnik, I'm Noel Luzon's Promise to Work Hard to earn another chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club club. David A.R. White really wants to make part three, but that barn became a spawning site for Call of Duty, and the final scene from part two is actually still going. Thanks so much for your sense. The last thought in Doc's head was, at least I don't have to listen to white people sing gospel in it. We are selling out of our tickets for the Chicago live show quickly. You should buy them in the show notes.

See? Different program. Remind you of them. Yeah. David, here we are. I'm David Marra. Sorry, he should already done this guy go sound check for me. Sure, let's check my sound. Let's also announce, let's also announce that I'd like my Pulitzer Prize or whatever

the fuck, because I beat your Pulitzer Prize winning mom at Scrabble. First try. I know. She was so sad. I was, I was like, so how's it going with even she was like, he won. He's really good. And I was like, really? You're one job.

You're one. I told her she's dead to me. She's one job. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved. LLLC Copyright 2018 all rights reserved.