God Awful Movies - 146: Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration

Episode Date: June 5, 2018

This week, Bryce Blankenagel joins us to debunk about 4% of the lies in this movie, because to get them all, this episode would have to be several months long. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And then they have to make it clear like Joey's like oh no I totally have the balls to stay I'm just worried about the ladies and the kids and stop and he's like don't worry we can build a giant monument to me somewhere else This is an amazing moment where she goes like will will things be better in Missouri and he's like She goes like, will things be better in Missouri? And he's like, always no, never in history with the answer to that question, yes. Yeah, will things? No. God awful.

Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be And right, he's welcome back. Thanks Noah. Before we start, just real quick, I'd like to officially rebuke Eli for his dirty, horror mouth. Okay. So Eli is to stop it. Stop it. Understand.

You talk nice. Stop it. Well, I don't ruin the whole fucking show. And of course, sitting 80 who in miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick and his horror mouth. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Shit, Tits Noah. I'm shit. I knew that, sir. Hi, Mormon person who read about this unread it and was like, Oh, I guess I'll check out what the atheist is. So it's like over

here. I'm sorry. I know it's going to be clean from now on. Thanks to me. You have been reputating fun. Shove and buddies. And also sitting 2800 miles to my West is our guest massacres tonight. Bryce Blank and Eagle is the host of the serial Mormon history podcast naked Mormonism. And he also has a distinct soup like aroma. Bryce, welcome back, sir. Um, thanks. Great to be here. It's flipping off some man. He said, thanks. Yes, that's confirmed. Yeah. That's all that I'm going to make it into the end. I don't feel like so. It's what you just said. Yeah. I was going to say I added this shit. It doesn't matter what he says. So tell us, Heath, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched Joseph Smith, profit of the restoration.

It's the story of Jonestown, if it happened in the 1800s, and if the cult leader got his entire crew killed several times before we found the time. And also somehow turn an entire US state into a segregated country club made of gold that's still thriving to this very day With delicious avocado toast. Oh, yeah, no negative Nancy delicious buildings Eli how bad was this movie well if you love biopics But you wish they had all the truth and fact checking of a Netflix documentary.

You love this movie. It's like the aliens that built the pyramids for religion. And that actually brings me right into my next question, Bryce, and honestly, based on the novel level of notes that you've written in on this movie, I feel like I already know the answer, but how accurate was this movie? Well, guys, I'm an essayist and I'm not a great essayist as you will be evidenced in the show notes here. You guys can do the funny stuff.

I'll sit here comfortably in my little corner doing Mormon history stuff. We're going to go on a fun little debunking adventure together. There's going to be a lot of debunking. Are you saying this movie was inaccurate? I'm saying this movie was not even wrong. Well done, sir. All right. Does there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst

at? Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst scolding, which you've already read. I do. At one point, Joe Smith gives a scolding to a group of grown men, but it's like a middle school principal, given that speech, like the day after the whole school started chanting ethnic slurs that I guess the former the day before. And I know this because exactly that

happened at my middle school. I was just going to say anyone knows what that sounds like. Actually, it would be me. I grew up in Georgia. I was going to go, it's actually from the same scene, but earlier in the scene, I was going to go with best worth sinister laughing. So, guys, just a quick note from Noah, if you're going to do the sinister laugh after every sentence, there's a hard limit on how many sentences there can be. Like, by the sixth time, it's just goddamn comical, okay? Remember that for the next pseudo history, you're right. Okay. So I had a best worse, and it is best worse, don't let facts get in the way of a good story.

So I gotta say, I've been dealing with Mormon apologetics a lot lately with the Book of Abraham and the dishonesty of whitewashed Mormon history is completely and utterly mind-bending throughout this movie. Yeah. Also, I'll nominate myself for being best worst, you know, shameless plug for that little book of Abraham. Fair. And I gotta say, it is truly, it is the best worst because they don't let the facts get in the way of a good story. And they don't get a good story. So it's the best and the worst to there. Well done. Eli, you got any best worsts? I'm going to go with best worst conversion technique. And all I'm going to

say is we've been wasting our time not challenging Ray Comfort to pull the stick. I didn't realize it. What will get there? Adrian Gold. All right. Time. I have so many questions.

When we get there, Bryce, you're going to have to answer a bunch of questions about this. I'll say I am a one true boy scout because of the stick polling challenge. Oh, there you go. All right. Well, if prices notes are anything to go on, we've got a lot to get to tonight. So we're going to keep the break brief. When we come back, we'll dive into the Bartonean levels of pseudo history that are Joseph Smith, profit of the restoration.

Hi, I'm called the Pug of Pekkaquan. Someone gave us money to remind you that if you're choosing a first-sona, being a bird is an option, beaks and a cloaca. Wait, what is that real? Jury's heat. We don't judge here on God awful movies. What's a first-sona? We'll talk about it later.

I'll talk later. Okay. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Thank you, my she. It's the story of one of the most misunderstood artists of the 20th century. Your work is splitting across Europe. Well, painting is really important to me. Eight-off, painter of the 20th century. So, you're going to kill how many Jews? As many as it takes to get enough paint. I guess because the painting great And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with a disclaimer assuring us that this movie is some true-ass

shit And I'm gonna go ahead and guess no Yeah, and it doesn't even say based on a true story. It just says, this is true and fuck you if you don't believe it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. First title card. We're not lying and go move.

Yeah. Great start. All right. So we're seeing like you call it America and we're hearing the narrator. The narrator in this movie will be Joe's mom. Because if anybody perfectly exemplifies a story about you that's not remotely true and as a grandizing, it's your mom. I, I, okay. Right off the bat. This is little context. Lucy Max Smith, Joseph died in 44.

She in 1845 to six. That's when she dictated this biographical sketches. She sent a copy of it over to the Brighamite church in Utah and another copy over to England where they published it. After it was published, Brigham Young held a book burning of this. He commanded everybody to gather it and burn them in a pile. And then he republished it, the church republished it in 1901. Really? He really changed.

Rewritten everything in different, no, no, no. To bunch of different authors, they just took huge extracts from the history of the church published correlated version and put that in instead of Lucy's own words. Like they are rewriting a rewritten, rewritten, rewritten propagandized book that was burned at the stake. It's like, that's why we're starting. So if it's like if your mom told a nice story about you, she was like, Eli's big bone. And then he waited for my mom to die, burned all the copies of Eli's big bone and printed bones are just that size. You guys have little bones. The movie. The movie. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I can't believe

they have that much bullshit in the first six seconds, but okay Apparently they did they're going for the rest of so the narrator comes on and she's like Let me tell you about my kid and I'm like no and we said the whole time we're seeing like log cabins and people do an old shit And there's I just wanted to point out there's a guy chopping down a tree with this tiny tiny little axe I'm not to point out there's a guy chopping down a tree with this tiny, tiny little action. I'm not gonna work out. I can't. You would still be chopping at that tree today.

Joe Sr. wasn't the smartest vibrating like a bug's bunny cartoon the whole time. One of the fun Easter eggs of this movie is to watch the background farm work. At one point someone spears a bail of hay throws it over their shoulder and then immediately turns around and spears it throws it back the other direction. There's there's what's supposed to be like a drill press for logs at some point, but no one's moving it. It's just like it's just saying to this log over here. Yeah, I said I want to. Nobody knows how any of their equipment works is amazing. Sometimes the wood grows back. You have to make sure you're right around on their pitch forks and shit.

Yeah, and to be fair, this first opening set is just how do you make a con man born on a farm seem epic? Music, music mother. Yeah. Well, and his mom telling you how special everyone knew he was right away. Oh, and she said, we were blessed with the child. And we called him Joseph. I wanted so bad for Freudian slip there for her to say Jesus. So much Joseph. I mean, we're rewriting Joseph's history already. Why not just call him Jesus the whole movie?

And that would really be a good like that would really tell you where they're going with their rewrite right away. We also get the first little bit of that classic game called little bit of that classic game called pull the stick. Okay. I have questions. Yeah. So they didn't have hoops back then. They just had the ones.

No, we do get a stick in a hoop at one point. No, later they get hoops. Bryce, what's going on here? Pull the stick. Is that real? Pull the stick. Real game. Played it a lot in scouts.

It's challenging. And they just accepted gays. You're saying they played pull this thing. And then two months ago, they were like, all right, gays get in here. All right. So now it's, it's 1817. And, and the fans is, is riding their horse drawn carriage past a crazy preacher dude. So basically we're seeing that Joey was fascinated by crazy preacher dudes, but he didn't think they were quite right. Yeah. All my notes are for this scene is he's looking out the window and he's like, this is a good con. I should get in on this shit. Look at this. Yeah. Yeah. No, so badly wanted

a shot where they're passing the collection plate around this group and Joseph's eyes like a fucking cartoon like playing out of his skull. He's just following the collection plate through the crowd. So okay, I also want to add this is the first appearance of handlebar mustache preacher, right? And he's the main antagonist. I have to ask that this was a very surreal moment because I'm a diehard fan of God awful movies and all the time you guys say, this is your movie.

Why would you show this? I had that moment in this movie because this is the church's movie and they show Joseph experience a scene when he was, you know, 15 years old that made its way into the book of Mormon with the King Benjamin story. They did. This is their movie. Why did they show it?

It would be like, it would be like, if Shakespeare and love showed Francis Bacon having all these revelations, you're not supposed to erote this goddamn thing. Yeah. Marl wanders into the bar. Hey, man, I know you were trying to fuck with Poucher Osiris. I'm going to get stabbed in the bar fight because I'm a spy. All right. See you. Also, he's this amazing moment. So what we're supposed to learn from this scene, not what we learn is later he's talking to his older brother, Alvin about hell. And he's like,

I don't know. Is it seem weird that like everyone's going to go to hell? That seems weird. And Alvin goes, you remember that seashell you found at Uncle Jesse's? And I wanted him so badly to be like, and how you put your dick in it. That's why you're going to hell. So he gives the preacher gives him a Bible, tells him to study it. And he's like, only one rule, just whatever you do, don't plagiarize this and change stuff around. Repeat back what I just said.

plagiarize this and change stuff around. No, no, I said, don't. One more time. You said you didn't say don't say the whole thing. I just don't. I get the. No, not just don't say the whole thing. I just don't don't. I get the no, not just don't say the whole sentence. What did I say?

Majorized stuff. God damn it. Don't. So what we're supposed to get from the scene is that he then took the Bible and studied it real hard, except the truth of how much Joseph Smith could read makes this montage a little weird, right? Because it's just a guy. Yeah, staring at pages. He was illiterate, right?

So he's just like fishing and looking at pages until they've made sense. Like all of a sudden he's like a beautiful mind and Bible verses and physics fucking equations are swirling around in the air and he gets it. Well, I don't think he was illiterate exactly, but he was stupid. And the narrator eventually admits that he never actually read the damn thing, right? Well, it sounds like, I mean, he was essentially taught to read through the Bible, which if you're going to learn how to read, the Bible is not good. Like picture pop-up books, that's a great place to start.

Yeah. It's just showing the formation of Joseph Smith's mind at this time. And if Joseph is like the prophet that he claims to be, it almost seems like he has to be doing this as an island unto himself. Like all he couldn't have known all of these ideas that were going on at the time. He couldn't have been going to these refivals if he is supposed to be like this OG Mormon prophet, but they're, they're like putting all of this into context, which is at least someone historically accurate, but it just shows like they're just creating a naturalistic explanation for everything that

Joseph Smith done in their own fucking movie. I'm just baffled by this whole everything about this movie. Well, okay, because, because look, if you showed him just not being religious at all up to this point, it makes the con all that much more obvious. You have to pretend like, no, he was a devout kid, always looking for God's stuff all the time. Right. And here's the other thing about this montage, right? What it actually ends up being is an everybody works while Joseph pretends to read a book. We are. Yes. People are working on the farm.

They're wrangling cattle and he's just like the cow. When you're the moon, moon, moon. Hey, Joe, do you want to help me not die of the rickshaw? I'm seeing what this cow just did. True to it though, because that's what he did when he was treasure digging too. He was the seer. He sat there with his face in a hat while all of his treasure digging friends were actually the dudes dig in the hole.

It's you have to know the history to know where they actually happened to make some hits amidst all of their other misses. You know, it's funny. It would take us probably we could go into a 20 minute diversion, just explaining what that last sentence about treasure digging meant. Unfortunately, there are like 90 things that we could do that. So we have to push through. You have to go listen to naked Mormonism from episode one. So anyway, so at this point, Joey decides that he needs to go ask God about this salvation thing face to face. And he must do it alone because it's like an action movie. So he goes up to you call a kill to talk to God. He offers up the desires of his heart. God was

totally into it. Basically, they show him like looking around and like this is the I'm going to jerk off in the woods face, right? Absolutely. I wrote my notes, kneeling smart, always a good position, nothing on your stomach, it's smart. Smart. He's already figured this out. You kneel? Yeah, because otherwise it comes back at you a little bit. Yeah, get in your stomach.

Guys don't like, okay, nevermind. You just put the sock on your stomach, it catches it there. I don't know. I'm with Heath on this one. I'm sorry. I'm not jerk enough wrapped in a fucking toga except for my dick. That's why that's why you're your sock on your stomach while you're laying down and you're wasting it on a sock brace. Are you guys are missing this evening? Well, then you can scrape it off the sock. I spread it on television.

Whatever you want. Wow. Okay. Moving on. I knew this. I know. I know. I know. I said. I want to read this Mormon film is historically accurate. Let me check with the history people. Right. So he's he's doing the the praying thing and then he gets attacked by the predator. Is that the predator sneaks up behind us. They have the absolute evils thing sneaking up on him, Cam up here. But no, that was God entering him unseen. I've sounds gay, but apparently it wasn't.

He did have his back turned. Okay, no, no. Okay, that was that the way that that is told is that was the adversary that like seized his tongue and stopped him from praying because The adversary knew that Joseph was about to start the marvelous work in a wonder. Oh, so he had to like internally fight back the devil in order to say that prayer to God so that God and Jesus could come down in the sacred grove and appear to him and begin the restoration. Okay. So he was praying hard that an alien shows up and attacks the predator.

The holy ripply shows up in the mech suit. They get a fun. Yeah, be fun. Pretty cool. And just as accurate historically. Oh, no, let's, let's just throw this out there. This never fucking happened. This one, not only did this not happen, but like this lie didn't even happen.

No, no, this, okay, this story came out 22 years after it supposedly happened. There were multiple iterations before that, but the version that they're showing us, iterations before that, but the version that they're showing us 22 years was the first time that hit the public's like Lexicon of understanding of Mormonism. 22 years. That is what we call a legend. That is folklore. That's how his family and say this was some bullshit made up to sell a religion. Right. Well, all of this was some bullshit, but this was made up way later. This was retro made up. And let's be clear how sloppy this lie is, right? He, he finally manages to pray despite the adversary. It turns around and it's God and Jesus. Like God's like, Hey, this is my kid Jesus. Jesus, you want to say hi? Yeah, it's so funny. And Jesus is all bashful. God's like, this is my son. He wants to tell you something.

Go ahead. Tell him. You said you wanted to tell him something. He's like hiding behind his dad's rope. No, no. Tell him what we came all the way down. Tell the lady what you want for breakfast. Jesus.

Bill, Jesus stigmata hole so he can penetrate your spirit. No, this was, and this was totally like Joe hitting LD50 of mana from heaven too. Like there's a naturalistic explanation for Joseph going and having like a whole epiphany experience or a theophany experience out in the woods. I don't think that it was praying in its God. I think it was what he was picking up off of the forest floor and all right. Right. Right. Yeah. Exactly. I had some pretty weird visions when I was 13 to and I also I love that Jesus and God appeared to him and Jesus just goes, I am Jesus Christ end of seen Jesus really is that much to say, but then we get one another one of those like title card just like that was not lie.

That I'm positive that I knew it was them. They knew they were them. It's shit happened. Wasn't even up in hand. He was yet. He literally says I knew it was true. And that's all that matters. And I did wrote Joseph Smith slash everyone on cops.

I knew it was just true. And that's all it man. He's just sitting on a curb, shirt off. I was like, welcome, what had happened? What happened in the bike? I was, it was buried from, I will get there. We'll get there. And okay, and even this, even what they showed,

God and Jesus talking to Joe, even that was a rewriting of the rewritten version that came out 22 years later. Because as the story goes from Joseph Smith, God and Jesus came down and said, none of the religions are true on all of their professors are corrupt. And they even removed that part from the story

because if any happy clappy Christians watch this movie, they don't want more of course, we can have them thinking that Mormons think their religion is evil and corrupts. It's so it's so be our friendly and it's such whitewash bullshit. It hurts to watch this. Yeah, they have to whitewash this from multiple angles. It's pretty amazing. So but but the gist of the message is that God told Joseph Smith that he needs to start a church because that's where the real money is. I mean truth

So then Joseph Smith goes to tell the preacher about his vision father mutton chops, but father mutton chops isn't buying it He's just like a yeah, they're helping with the wheat and stuff, but father mutton chops isn't buying it. He's just like, uh, yeah, uh, they're helping with the wheat and stuff, but you're, you're a crazy person at best. Uh, there's no such thing as seeing ghosts anymore. Any more. Only the first virus count. That's rule. And to be clear, there were for every one of these straight edge ministers out there, there were plenty of others that were having like these ecstatic and visionary experiences, like the crazy Pentecostal, like chanting and visions and speaking intones. There were plenty of those preachers out there, like Joe was just attending the wrong wrong minister. That's and also one more time. I gotta point this out. There's no evidence of

this happening. No evidence of him approaching other ministers and talking about the first vision. That story is completely fabricated. Well, and like you said, this was the goddamn burned over district. Yes, right? Yes. And that's why they called it that because you couldn't walk through for a 10 feet without so crazy ass preacher telling you about a vision. He just had. Yeah. And they're everywhere. They're like published accounts in the Palmyra newspaper from the 1820s of people having

similar visionary accounts as Joseph Smith. Like he probably lifted his sacred grove experience from one of those other account. Right. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Everything he did ripped off of somebody else. He was a synthesizer.

That's a nice way of putting it. Hey, Bryce, just real quick, maybe this is a better system. You want to just name all the things that there were evidence for in the library. The Erie Canal really existed. And we're done. And John. That's it. All right.

So we got to the Erie Canal now. And at this point, everyone's making fun of Joe for seeing visions. Yeah, he's going like, oh, did you see any other visions? Oh, do you mean the Scottish stereotype that would make Mike Myers blush? So now we're going to move on to 1823 and when Joey opens his heart to God again, and this is where he meets the angel Maroni. Maroni! White and delight some!

White and delight some white and delight some and and and and of course from 2020 white and delight some yet no I got and go for the

Romney 20 yeah we'll probably bring Utah values to Washington. I would love Romney 20. I'm right. Yeah, so good.

So good. That'd be so good for my show. Well, and honestly at this point, yeah, magic underwear and I'll just bring it to fucking. I'm fine with that. Just pick a goddamn name out of the phone book. All right. Anyway, I'm gonna get the press talk about that. Delicious. So, the Romney name a book. Great. You did it. Book a Mormon done. You're okay. But this is where we see the plates. Yeah. Yeah. We immediately cut to him finding the golden plates. Seems like they left some stuff out there. And I know

a high new listener, but we actually tried to lift plates that are half the weight of the golden one, not even like they're a quarter of the weight of the golden ones. There was on one of those anti-mormon displays. There is no way this 13 year old is lifting even one of these blades. Let alone the scene we see where he's got like a stack of them and he's just like casually chit-chatting around with them. Like running through the forest and knocking motherfuckers out with a munder is there like and okay One more thing to like another point that they don't have to show in this movie But they did in one of the earlier montages

It shows Joseph and all the other Smith boys working in the Cooper shop that was on the Smith farm So you're showing Joseph had the materials and the tools to manufacture a set of plates That the witnesses could have lifted that would have been 60 or 70 pounds made out of 10 instead of 240 pounds made out of pure gold. You're showing that you don't have to show that guy's like help, help yourselves. We could help you with this. Don't show those parts. They might as well have a scene that cuts in where he's just like holding up a big box that says 10 on it and a big box that says lies on it. With a bag over his back that

has a big dollar money sign on it. Yeah. He's got a shop for laser beam to micro engraved stuff. Yeah. Also, I want to point out, so this is, it shows the four consecutive years from 23 to 27 when he goes, you know, visits the location of the plates every year. So in this time, Joseph is visited by the angel, not named at the time and later named to be Nephi and then Moroni later on. He, like, he recounts that he saw this angel a bunch of times, you know, like three or four times in the history of the church. But there's a story in H. Donald Peterson

who documented 59 heavenly visitations to Joseph Smith in the early Mormons from 1820 to 1836. 15, okay. A person comes up to you on the street and says, I've seen an angel of the Lord. You're like, okay, whatever. If person says, I've seen an angel of the Lord. You're like, okay, whatever. If person says, I've seen an angel of the Lord 59 times in the past five years, you're like, holy fuck.

I'll have whatever you're having, right? Yeah, right. No, apparently every time he needed this, you know, so he's like, oh, wow, those shoes sure do need reshawd. Angel of the Lord, what was that? You just, yeah. Okay, so this is also where the narrator fills us in on some of the basics of the Lord. What was that? You just yeah. Okay, so this is also where the narrator

fills us in on some of the basics of the book of Mormon. And we actually see the nihayans ziggarats with Jesus descending onto them such that the Nephites can finger his holes. I was very impressed. They have dirty savages played by Mexicans who were supposed to be Native Americans. And an Asian lady a little bit further back in the crowd, which I greatly enjoyed. They got the fingering the holes. It's exciting. And this is all accompanied by mom's narration of Joseph could bullshit like nobody's been.

Yeah, that's right. Why you include that? Why was that in the movie? Right. Joseph doesn't need the plates if he's already got the idea in his mind. Well, right, and that's the thing at this point in the movie if you're following around along with the story here, he has a translator to the plates yet. He's just seen them and talked to angels and it's in and the narrator's going and boy,

he could just tell these stories like he was just making them up as he went. It's actually kind of weird that we all listen to a 17 year old child who hadn't read tell these stories like he was just making them up as he went. It's actually kind of weird that we all listen to a 17 year old child who hadn't read the Bible. If you think about it, other books wait, why am I saying that? Baxies, Baxies, he definitely didn't get peed on by a hooker. My wife is fine. She's at the White House. And look at this, look at this tweet. She sends out happy as a clam. And help help her. And now we, yeah, right, right, exactly. We need to break her out or something. All right. And now we have to add a little heart to it. So we get his brother Alvin dying of 19th century. Oh, yes.

Sweaty old times disease. We've seen it so many times. A chrono of ocean no more. 146 episodes. It's it kills so many Christians. And and his method is preacher friend comes in and he's like, Hey, I don't know if this is the best time, but if your brother isn't baptized, he's going to go to hell. So can I just sneak in there, give him a little spritz and then I'll just get out, I'll

get right out. Nope. Okay. I got to point out this is a little bit of foreshadowing right here for what's going to come up later in the form of necromancy in the church. And, uh, yeah, Alvin here died of mercury poisoning because quick silver was a thing back then. Where would okay, I don't even, I don't even want to know. Nope, we don't. Um, of course, Alvin's dying words are a Joey, you know, make sure you do that. Mormon is something

you keep thinking about. It's okay to kill people for your religion if you have to You are awesome and doots McGotes a prophet And then we get slow motion dirt dropping funeral. Yeah, so each Each member of the family has like one handful of dirt to drop on Alvin's grave. I'm like, man, that's going to take forever. But Joey can't bring himself to part with his dirt. Is that what we're trying to be like, no, I'm actually, I'm going to hold onto that dirt. What magic dirt? And this is the like gunful moment of the movie. Because they're like just holding dirt. And's like, we got a bunch of that. So stupid. So, okay. So now we get Joey chilling at Alvin's headstone when father mutton chop shows

up the fuck with him some more. Yeah. Again, he's just like, Hey, I know I just came by while your brother was dying. I was just in the neck. Clarence, you're, you're going to go to hell. All right. I'm going to go your brother was dying. I was just in the neck. Just in the neck, man. You're gonna go to hell. All right, I'm gonna go get Arbys. You want something? It's a five for five days. I'm full of it. No bad time. Okay, bad time.

Bad time. It's comforting to see preachers from the 19th century were leveraging heartbreak in families for conversions, right? Like, that's just a common motif throughout all human history, apparently. Yeah, I know. They were good at it, even back Like, that's just a common motif throughout all human history apparently. Yeah, I know, they were good at it even back then. That's nice. All right, so now it's time for Joey to meet the love

of his, the only love of his life. Hey. Hey. Emma Hale. Oh, this movie lies more about a sex life than my tender profile. It's like there she was. This movie lies more about a sex life than my tender profile. She was the one and only five inches from the grumble, if you think about it. Technically.

Okay, Bryce, question about Emma Hale or just the women of this period in general, were there wearing British judges judges wigs made of Lego, like the word, Lego, here at women in 19th century Pennsylvania. Yeah, her wig was made in Minecraft. Okay. You know that. Okay, so one thing I want to point out here is so great. We jump from 1823 to 1825 and Joseph Smith ages 30 years.

Yeah, he does. He does. They go from this little 12 year old kid to this totally different actor that looks nothing at all. Not even the same hair color as the kid. That's right. So I have to say Emma, in my opinion, she looked like Maggie Smith's face from the 1960s, wearing a dress from Kira Knightley from like the 1700s, and also she had like Padme's hair from a long time ago in a galaxy

far, far away. So Emma is like a walking, talking, established universe and anachronism in human form. It's perfect. In eight-bit graphics on her head. Yeah, right. Right. All right. So this is, this is where we get the falling in love montage where they literally ride around in a one horse open sleigh. Oh, and then he beat, she beats him in chess and he's like, we're supposed to pretend he didn't kick the shit out of her for it. It's just the weirdest

other feminist interpretation of Joseph fucking. Yeah. Like honestly, this is short only of like Muhammad having a biopic where he and Iisha are riding around. He's just like, oh, I need to do you want to go get a beer, which you're allowed to have at this age. Sure. And by the way, small thing, no, fucking big thing. Did you guys see the board? Did you look at the chat? The chat. There's literally a white pond sitting on H eight. There are very few impossible thoughts for a piece on a chess board and any moment, but a fucking course they found one. Nope. God damn it.

Just lay it out like the beginning. You can do anything else. It's so amazing that this chessboard, it has pieces for glue maving on it. It's what a made his dice. It's perfect. That is so beautiful. I'm glad that we have a diversity of expertise on this show. Yeah, right.

Maybe she traded upon for a pawn. She promoted upon to a pawn. Yeah, right. Maybe she traded a pawn for a pawn. She promoted a pawn to a pawn. Yeah, well the last one. I don't know. It's like I just, he's, you know, I liked the pawn. I like the pawn. I'm gonna stick with it. All right, so, but of course this is where he tells her all about his Jesus visions.

And she doesn't know about it at first, but eventually she believes him so they get married. And they would be happy forever. And this is so crazy because she's like, she approaches Joseph too. And she's like, I've been hearing rumors and he cuts her offices. They're all true. Like, what did he know what she was going to raise? Like, what about he was like, just a couple years after this, he was in court for possibly having adulterous relationships with two of his friends' daughters. Is that what are the rumors?

Is that what, what rumors are you talking about? Right. The rumors are supposed to be like that he's a profit. And I wanted her to just be like, when he says, oh, they're true. I wanted her to be like, cool, cool. Well, I'm going to go regret going into the woods with you alone now. Mountain lion. Gotta go. And now, okay. And now they have to dance around the profound laziness of Joseph Smith again. So we go back, he goes back, he gets the golden plates

and it's then like, it's like for four years, he avoided work and had other people pay us bills by pretending he was really getting those plates done now. We even get a scene here with the father-in-law being like, hey, your husband's a giant piece of shit. And if he doesn't finish that, Facebook and his innocent, like, I can only imagine how that conversation went in real life, in real life. Joseph, may I have a word? Yes, Father-in-law.

So it's about the holy word of God. Yes, sir. Okay, so it's been, it's been four years and you've been checking, you're going out to the woods and Reading the book and having revelations and then coming back to tell us Yes, yes, and in some day the Lord will allow me to set it all down as a record What a glorious day and a marvelous work and a wonder that will be yeah glorious marvelous. Yeah, right Right, so the other day you came back

And the entire like word of God you had was about how you needed an extra pillow. Yes, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Mysterious ways, right? And then the week before that you, you read several chapters on Steve the evil who wouldn't let you have the largest piece of mutton. A parable for all times if you think about it, the Lord's anointed should be cared for. Right. Yeah, it's just that it's just gotten a little specific, you know, and we think it would be best if you instead of what's that? I'm allowed to write it down and complete my holy mission from the Lord. Sorry, I was talking to God.

What did you say? Nothing. See it, dinner. Are we having mutton? Yes, we're having mutton. Awesome. This is pretty much how it actually went. Yeah, pretty much.

Ha ha. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, pretty much like that. Yeah, exactly. Yep. Joe was totally that boyfriend. And Isaac, Isaac Hale even kicked them out of the house and then gave them their oldest son's house that was on the same property. Yeah, they didn't mention that, right? They, they, they point out in the story like he kicked him out of the house into a different

house who was still he's the bad guy he's the bad guy. You got to move out of my basement into that basement. No, I'm going to go on Alex Jones to prove how normal I am. Oh, Bryce, quick question for you again. Okay, so he comes back once every four years and it says he receives further knowledge each time when before he finally gets to translate, what further knowledge God was just like, ah, he's back, ah, measure twice,

come on, it's like what was he telling him each time? What is it? He never put off till tomorrow what you can do What would that mean under promise oversell? It's we could spend two hours on this um he just went back there's not a whole lot of information about it But like he just went back with his treasure seeking buddies. Um, there's, he went back and like perform magical spells at one point. He like a god of glam from Peter Ingersoll, one of the neighbors and like did a blood sacrifice of the land and even, even that neighbor was like, I assume that they had a really good meal that night. They all played Ouija board. Dude, you're moving it. Well, but he that's you're eating it. He kept

going back. For four years, he kept going back for four years. He kept going back and he's like no, no, no, this time God's going to give me the golden plates, but he didn't have any golden plates. So he had to come back with like a, you know what I did. God said not to set them on the ground and then I set them on the ground. And now I'm not a lot of happen for another fucking year, God. Can you believe that? What are the other things that happened?

And of course, They left out the whole story of like the toe to spirit guardian. She had him knocking him away from the stone box and I wonder why they didn't put that in. Oh my god, we need to make our own more

man. And yeah, yeah, the kickstart actually really do need to do a historically accurate like mini series on the game stones. Yes. Call me HBO. Call me. I'll be on the writing staff. I have some ideas. Well, it's got a whole not already written here.

So yeah. Also, also they, they had a kid of Joseph and Emma had a kid. They named it Alvin. It lived for only a few hours. Then why tell us about this? Well, I mean, we're making a movie here and nothing is great for a movie like a good, miscarriage funeral. Nobody does that. We named his child after his dead brother. And like his older brother, he was graded being dead. All right, let's live with one. We only got 60 minutes of footage people

to make this fucking happen. I live the rich long hour. You gotta, you guys wanna introduce all of a cowdry? The guy who literally is just a serial killer. Well, and also I have to point out, it shows Joseph digging the hole and it's nice to see that like his whole life's work of treasure digging prepared him for that moment. Yeah, no, he did the fuck out of that hole. This is how Goliath Casket Company got started.

A tiny little baby Cket company that has been the they expanded all right so now it's time to meet Oliver Caldry now all of our country he's a huge character in the actual history of more menism but we will see him just now and that's it yeah um and the narrators like eventually Joey suckered other people in like the very wise and intelligent

Oliver Cowdry whose money he totally didn't rip off entirely. And in the little version where he's dictating the book to Oliver Cowdry, they're sitting in a well lit room. The giant brick of gold plates are just sitting there in front of him. Yeah. Neighbors are coming by like yep, those are gold plates. I too, my witness. This is not like a maybe they were in a hat. Maybe they were on the table, but either way, it was dark, which is what the truth is. How, how did, but how

is he doing this translation? Did, did he take a class in like reform Egyptian at some point? Like how? No, because God gave him the magical searstone rock that translates the plate. Duh. Now guys, first of all, the plates weren't even there. They were buried elsewhere so that people couldn't steal them, but he had the magic hat rock that would tell him what the next plate said. Okay.

But from behind a curtain, Isaac Hill wouldn't allow them in the house. That's why they were buried in another room or buried out in the woods because it was a day. them in the house. That's why they were buried in another room or buried out in the woods. Right. Because it was so. When the law is, yes. The thing is, the story is always more bullshit than you think it is. That's why I recommend naked Mormonism. Because no matter how much you think you know about the bullshit of Mormonism, there's way more bullshit there. It's fractal bullshit. It really is. It really is. The plates were particles and waves. You can't look at them. Bucks it up.

And they totally, it's like skipped over the Martin Harris part of the story too. Like that's that's proves that Joseph was just dreaming all this shit up that you all you need to know is the South Park version of the Martin Harris story to realize he was making it up and they just don't even deal with it. They don't even talk about Joseph like, you know, when Martin Harris mortgaging his farm to pay for the book of Mormon. No, it's right. Boom. Here's Oliver Caldrey. Oh, yeah. And he was like the the co-con man with Joseph Smith. It's right. So there are books, right? It is literally just like him and Oliver Caldry and then this poor farm boy just had books. I don't know

Well also we have to point out that this is because it's very important that this is where Joseph Smith gets baptized by John the Baptist is fucking self. That's right him and all he went into the woods not to do gay stuff But to learn how to get baptised That's why they came back soaking wet because the baptism it was all the baptizing don't don't touch it the water was sticky The rivers real estate because there is a molasses don't worry about it Just get Get off me you're loving my life and we we're in so love we love it. It's great You're the love of my life and we we're so love we love it. It's great.

Our marriage is great. Fapt as Joe. I made this movie so much better way. I would watch that movie a thousand times. And this is where so he's got the books and this is where we're introduced to my favorite religious apologetic and it's not just the Mormons but the Mormons really love to rely on it

which is the is the book of Mormon true. Yeah, well, if you read it and you make it all the way through, then you'll know it's true. And I gotta be honest, if I hadn't read this for work, I'd be a Mormon just out of sheer boredom and upset. I'd be like, yeah, no, I read Alma and I'm a Mormon now. That's the only reason I would have read that. So, yep, Mormon. Well, it's not just read the whole book. It's read the whole book and then ask God if he thinks it's true, which is amazing because like the narrator even says, like, I've been asked many times if it's true. And rather than say, check the archaeological, historical, linguistic, technological,

or genetic record, I say, ask God, but really want him to say, yes, when you do. That's how you know things are true. Right. Moroni's promise. We also get a nice little white wash of history too because someone comes up and goes, so Joe, is this a new Bible? Because all my miniatures are for the Bible. I don't want to have to buy a whole new set.

He's like, no, no, no. It's an expansion. It is an expansion. It's a legacy. Holy fuck. It's a boy, man. We'll just put stickers. But finally, all the Christians were christening, right? Well, not all of them, but, but some of them were. We get this little

scene where Joseph Smith is like, okay, who wants to be a Mormon? And it's unanimous. Everybody raises their hands. Yeah. Who was the guy that was going to raise his hand against being a church? I'm like it. Well, we just follow Joe around and print books. All right. Well, you know what? Alan, it's 942 to one. So we're becoming a church. I'm done. I'm out then. Okay. And we have to establish here that Father Mutton Chops does not like Joey's new church at all. Yeah. I heard my notes. I see you wrote a book. I am very disapproving and sniffy, as you can see, but not so much. She, uh, she's going to join your religion. And the last three years have not been kind to a mutton shop spreecher. He has haggard his beard.

80 now. Your salt now, he like, oh, he's, he's in bad shape. All right. So now he goes to, uh, Alvinvin's grave to brag about his new book. I how awesome his new book was. And that's when the chick comes up and she just begs to be a more. There's a groupie. Yes. She's like, oh my God. I'm so sorry to bother you at this cemetery.

This is your but are you the Joe Smith? Will you? Will you sign my clip? This is all I can't believe I made it. Take a selfie. Oh my God, this is such a harbinger for the entire, at Joseph Smith timeline, right? It's like, Joseph has the book Mormon in his hand,

this young, beautiful woman walks up, it says, can I ask you about that book? One thing leads to another, he sends her husband on a mission and then he fucks her. It's a tale is old as time. That's all right. And then we get a Mormons doing nice things, which is how their religion spread montage. Okay. So first of all, as this scene opens, it's blocked so ridiculously that you think it's about to jump into a musical number, right? Like everybody's hammering in time and everything. And then this Mormon comes up or this lady comes up and she's like, Boy, I don't really believe in your religion, but you Mormons sure are helpful. I do nice things for people all of the time.

And Joseph Smith says, well, you may say, man, that that's actually our religion. Plus that I'm God and get to fuck you. And being black is a punishment. Anyway, all through the that though, it's just doing good stuff. And again, if you'll remember my best worst, he then converts a man through a big guy. He was like, where no one's ever beat me at polvastick before? And he was like God works in mysterious ways. You feel my hand on your balls? That's what I'm. It's the best.

So you know when dogs fight each other over the same stick? Because it's not what you're picturing. It's not like tug of war formation. It's like you're both you're grabbing the state like it's it's parallel. It's so stupid the way they do it. And sit down and they go. So, okay, Bryce, if I go back to Salt Lake City and I start beating people at this game, will they become atheist? Oh, that's all I'm going to do now.

And they'll give you a special handshake and be like, what the fuck is this, man? Yeah. Or any of that. No, step ahead of you. It's like a fucking. He's have a he's on a stick pulling training montage now. I'm gonna stick tied to a chicken. He's going to. Anyway, and by the way, weird, by the way, it's got a weird like central wrist scratch on the finger. I don't know what you guys, you guys picked a weird handshake.

And people who are tall happen to do really well at the stick pulling game So I heath. I think you are the atheist proselyt stick pulling person That's reason come this year Pull the stick with teeth and you can do it as a metaphor or you can actually pull the stick with me In fact, you can offer the metaphor and you'll probably end up playing. You'll know it's metaphorical. It's metaphorical if instead of sitting facing each other, you're facing away from each other.

It's going to be real obvious going in. All right. So I like to face you guys are weird about now wanting to get come on. And like everybody's being judgy about the come. And okay. So now we want to cut a nickel. All right. And so now we cut to Kurt Linoe Hiho 1831. And more menism was just spreading like chlamydia. Yeah. Right. We get more totally things that didn't happen. It's like, I'm an old lady and I'm not a fan of these moments. And then he turns and it's his mom. That's like such a good. Oh, he's right over my shoulder, isn't it? But Roni's right behind me. He's right. He's white and delight some right behind me.

And of course, this is where this is the first time that all we see all the neighbors kind of go in wild, wild country on them. You know, nobody liked the Mormons. And of course, this is where this is the first time that all we see all the neighbors kind of go and wild, wild country on them. You know, nobody liked the Mormons. And of course, this movie would present you with the idea that like, you know, they just come in and start helping old ladies with their roofs and we don't like that, you know, they never like explain why the people didn't like the Mormons. Absolutely. You, you would believe watching this movie that wherever Joseph

Smith went, people would just like wake up with a torch in their hand and a musk and be like, I guess I got to go kill that super nice guy who helped me knit that sweater. Yeah, no, they picked on him like fucking David Banner in the Hulk TV show, right? Yeah. Mormons are the black people of the 1800s. That is the lesson of this movie. They want you to know that they are the black people of eights. They had it tough. And this, it's time for the tarring and feathering crucifixion. No, before that, before that, I have to point out where Joe is talking to this lady that's like soon the Mormons will be taking over the whole county and like, oh, fuck, if only she knew, right?

And she asks Joseph, what makes you think that God even cares? And this like this is a question that happens in a lot of Christian movies, right? It's like you don't have to deal with this. You could just not deal with the problem of evil, right? And then Joseph just says he does care. He does care. He does. He does. Hand on the shoulder. Just trust certain. And then you know. It's decided. Of course, then we have to cut to the all the bad guys conspiring against Joey. The actual line to open this scene is this time tomorrow.

Joseph Smith will be long gone. And now it's time for the Tarring and Feathering Crucifixion scene. Right, because I love this. Aside from getting shot, they can't really make it seem like Joseph didn't deserve everything he got except for this Tarring and feathering. Oh, they sure for the shot. So he just, yeah, he deserves to get shot.

So they absolutely do their best to make this Tarring and feathering seem like a crucifixion. They got the passion of the Christ music in the background. And look, the thing is, it's impossible in the modern day not to think of Tarring and Feathering as like a cartoon punishment, right? I go, I was like, did Tarring and Feathering hurt? Because I was like, maybe I'm the asshole who like is talking about something really terrible. And so I got sucked down a YouTube rabbit hole. And by the way, no, this Tarring and Feathering didn't hurt.

The only kind of Tarring and Feathering that really hurt people was the kind that Mormons invented to do to African Americans. When you boil the top. Yeah, that's right. But I never understood this. Like, if it's not boiling, you just like, they're just picking like a wet thing and a dry thing. Like how come it's like, why not honey and fucking peanut shells?

They're like, also, why the feathers? Like it seems like the boiling tar pretty much carries the team. If you're doing that, what the fuck does the feathers do at that point? It makes them look silly and it fucks up his bedding. It's like he eats the tar and I'm the feathers of this podcast. The feathers are there. The feathers are there. Yeah, but so there's funny though.

What were the fucking feathers? They are funny. That's the big. If you just cover a guy in tar, it's weird. He's throwing some feathers. It's festive. Yeah, right. No, exactly.

Okay. And can we please talk about possibly the real reason behind this? Which was? Joseph was living on the Johnson farm, really wealthy early Mormon. He consecrated all of his property to the church. Johnson's, there was a nice young Miranda Nancy Johnson hide who would later marry Orson hide. She was 16 years old at this time. Oh, shit. She, Joseph and Emma were living in the Johnson home in one of their, like, little off bedroom rooms there. They just had their, you know, they just adopted two kids after Emma had lost her twins. They adopted two other twins. And Joseph, for some reason, during this scene,

one of or possibly two of Nancy's brothers, two of the Johnson boys, were part of this mob when they dragged Joseph out of the house and apparently ripped his clothes off. Maybe they were already off. They tarred on feathered him. They tried to pour a vial of poison down his throne. Then they wanted to cut his fucking balls off. You don't do that because of religious persecution.

You do that because somebody's fucking your little sister. Yeah. This is, no, no. You have to understand the historical context of why Joseph was being tardy feathered. It wasn't because he was one true prophet of the one true religion. And this is just some bullshit amorphous persecution complex. No, he was fucking somebody who would later become one of his polygamous wives.

Yeah, they should be comes is what that's the kicker to the stars. It's not just like she happened to have brothers who disagree. He then marries that child later. That's fucking amazing honorable way to be a pedophile. Yeah, well, a pedophile polygamous. Yeah. And also to be clear, like Cindy Richten was in this as well, Cindy Richten got beat within an inch of his life. He spent weeks recouping on a bed because he got so horrifically beat. They didn't beat Joseph like they did Richten in this situation.

But when Joseph went to visit Cindy Richten on his, you know, on his almost deathbed, Rigden asked his wife for a razor so that he could kill Joseph Smith. And then because Rigden was in a fever, contusion, brain state, he also asked Joseph, or he also asked Joseph for a razor so that he could kill his own wife. This is, this is just a crazy scenario, a horrible situation. But what we're saying is, it doesn't even get any air time here. What we're saying is this could have been an awesome movie.

Game of Stones, Patriot Goal. But we're going to make this happen. But the way this one works, you know, he gets tart and feather, but dammit, if he's not willing to preach even through all those big tar and feather sores he has about his face and body and he's fine he's like yes his wife cleans him up like this happens like a few times a day like he's changing his diaper she's like all right i'll get the turpentine in the gold bond you get the feather bucket where we see the feathers, the feathers, no reason to waste.

So, right. And he gives this so passive aggressive little speed. He's like, okay, um, dear Jesus, forgive those assholes who covered me in a book guitar ruined my life. She got it for my birthday, just to know, was's my dad shirt was my dad's gonna get trouble. Atomic wedgie, unbelievable. They're ridiculous. There were nice boxers.

God damn it. And that's really what this is. This is the 19th century atomic wedgie is what he got. But in this scene, of course, even Taryn Feather Cowboy, the guy who pulled him out, even he's being won over now because of because all a Joey's gumption dormit I just wanted to run up on stage and be like nerd give me your lunch So all right, but so curlin Ohio grew really fast Yeah, you got to have somewhere for all of Joey's wives to live. And this is

when God commands Joey to build a super church. Oh my God. Yeah, I talked to God. We're going to build a temple. I mean, a big fuck off temple. I love how this scene opens up because we have like so many Mormons are moving into town. They can't even build houses fast enough for all of them. And like I've been inside the Joseph Smith home in Kirlend and it's a swanky ass house, right? But the way that this scene opens up is Emma and Joseph are looking in on like some of the new converts that moved into town and we have Rachel Susan and Abigail

and they're just looking at them and it's like what wonderful, beautiful little girls and I just had this thought like, I bet Joseph's taken hard to believe they're already 15, isn't it? I'm going to fuck those duggers as soon as I get a fucking chance. Right, but again, this is sort of like, this is supposed to be a cutesy like, oh, we just can't stop helping people moment instead of a, our cults really getting there, isn't it,

huh? Yeah. Right. Stone edifice to me. That's nice. Yeah. The narrators like yeah, and soon people were just donating their labor to build this temple for no reason other than the fact that Joey said they'd go to hell if they didn't. Yeah.

And by the way, no one mentioned earlier the wild wild country reference. My game throughout this movie was spot the difference between this and wild wild country that isn't brown skin. Yes. Oh no. All right. And okay, we're about to introduce Brigham Young, but the way we open this scene is so fucking amazing because we don't know who it is yet.

And it's just the opening line there in this wood shop or whatever. The opening line is first time I read this book, I knew no man could have written it. Clearly, yeah, right. Cause like, um, it's clear that a computer program fucked up or something. Any person is bad at writing would have stopped 20 pages in. Wouldn't they? Well, you guys read it last year. Well, is that the same impression that you got?

I mean, there were a lot of moments where I was like, no, human could have written this book. I don't think on it. I thought, no, better. I thought those words I did. So, yeah, so everybody's just working wood talking about how perfect Joe is of Smith is. And then Brigham Young shows up and he's like, I will also be important to the history of this religion. was just working wood talking about how perfect Joe S. Smith is and then bring him young shows up. And he's like, I will also be important to the history of this religion. So I'll be in this scene. I'll be the second in command. I am entirely torso. I am just a torso. I'm the original steroid user. He looked, he looks so ridiculous. Like, like a rejected street

fighter character like, like, I, like dirt road fighter character. That is the stereotype we missed in street fighter was the Mormon. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Throw and holy juice. He's got the copies of the book of Mormon. Tears off a shirt to reveal a white button down short sleeve shirt underneath. Come on.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. And then when you fight him, you have to go to the sun because that's where the people live in his mind. short sleeve shirt underneath. Come on. Yeah. No, exactly. Exactly. And then when you fight him, you have to go to the sun because that's where the people live in his mind. And I also love there's this scene here where where Joseph Smith's like, all right, bring him young. You're second in command. If I ever die, everyone will follow you and there will be no arguments at all about

all. You get to take over. And also I have to add, I love they, they had a cameo here. He said, brother, Parley, when Brighamon Young was talking on this guy. So that's Parley Parker Pratt. And that's the guy whose death catalyzed the mountain metals massacres. So there are a ton of knives in the first scene, the first act here that will not be picked up ever in this movie, but it's nice to see that little cameo making appearance. Yeah. And to be clear, yeah, Parley P. Pratt, he was killed after he stole a

guy's wife and took her to Arkansas. Well, you know, that's how that's what I would have guessed because it's the Mormon story. All right. So eventually they finished the Kirtland temple and it was just, it was so magical that God showed up and gave Joey a winky face. Oh, he was there. Well, can we, can we talk just a little bit about the Kirtland temple for just a second? Please. This is my favorite thing in all of Mormon history is the Kirtland temple because it's

such a perfect microcosm of so many things that were wrong and right with Mormonism. So they use the current land temple for barely a year before Joe and Brigham and a bunch of other Mormons were chased out of town. They went $50,000 into debt to build this. Wait, I'm sorry. Is that 50,000 in like 1836 money? Yeah. So that's like over a million dollars. A gazillion dollars. Yeah. And they weren't incorporated either.

That was all in Joseph Smith and Cindy Ragnan's personal name, too. Oh, Jesus Christ. And to make that even worse, like the reason they were chased out was because a guy was suing them, a one of their creditors was suing Joseph at Cindy Ragnan and got a judgment that they owed him like two grand. So they, he won the three story building behind the temple and auction in order to pay off this debt. Then Joseph and Sydney, Rigdon and Brigham Young and a bunch of other Mormons left.

They fled in the middle of the night. We'll get to it in a minute from the Kirtland temple. They fled from Kirtland and headed out to Missouri. And when this guy took possession of this three story building, a guy named, I believe, was Lyman Sherman burned that three story building to the ground. So it's like, here you go. Here's to pay our debt. And you were out of town. And that guy, Grandison Newell, who got that judgment, he raised a lawsuit against Joseph Smith because he claimed that Joseph Smith commanded some people to lay in wait in the middle of the night to assassinate that guy. And also the Kirtland Temple is so great because the dedication ceremony, this is like the

motherload of Joseph when he was probably drugging people with a sacramental line. And the dedication ceremony is fucking amazing. It's like people are like hallucinating God walking through the congregation. People thought the building was on fire. There are people that were like swinging around like mid air that they thought that they were wielding a Dragoon like fighting off the laymanites or scalping them like. Oh my God, this is amazing.

Like best party ever. Yeah. I have been at a lot of parties that were pretty much just like that only without Mormons. So okay. So then Joey runs into, we get this thing where he runs into to tell his mom he's like, Hey, I have my latest greatest vision. Alvin gets to go to heaven after all plus God totally loves my church And then just just to be super clear about that God shows up to the temple and then sends

Literally everyone from the Bible in order All the good guys from the Bible. Yeah, he's like a Jesus came and then Moses said then we had a Zechial and Elijah and a lion. Yeah, pretty much all of them. All everybody who's anybody. I want to see them planning that up in heaven Hey, uh God Yes Hey, uh, God. Yes. Wait, I thought you sounded like Donald Trump. No, no, that's on the other show.

Okay. Uh, it seems like that should be consistent. Anyway, uh, I noticed our profit roster for, for Joseph Smith this year. And it's, uh, well, I mean, it's everybody. You have everybody. Yeah. Everybody. Yeah, for everybody. Yeah, I want to make sure that people really know he's my new religion guy. Right, right.

It's just you went and saw him with Jesus. And then all the apostles after that, and now Moses and Elijah, doesn't this all seem like a overkill? It's too many, I feel like. Also, like, like when a person gets a message from you, okay, that's fine. But if you send a half a dozen profits just to Joe Smith and his buddies, it seems like, well, I mean, it seems like obvious fraud, right?

No, no, it's because I care so much. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna get down there right now and I'll tell Joseph Smith to start killing people and steal it people's wives and start an obvious revolution just in case. It's not gonna help, not. It's gonna help.

It's gonna be worse. Not gonna help true. It's not gonna help All right, so but meanwhile despite all of God's Prophets coming by and personally giving their seal of approval to this church the bad guy still hated Mormonism so much So we get them getting ready to and this this is a great scene because it's the part where they're going like, all right, we need to get room ready, then Mormons. And if we have to kill some to do it, we will, because we enjoy killing Mormon. I'm, damn it. I hate this scene. I, uh, hmm, this is so, okay, no Mormons ever died in Kirkland. That's just it.

Other than from natural causes and sickness, no, the Mormons suffered very little persecution in Kirkland. Missouri is a different story. We can eventually get there. But Kirkland was a safe haven for Mormons. It was actually Mormons who chased Joseph Smith, Sinny Raiden and Brigham Young out of town because they ex-communicated a Mooran parish came in wielding a gun with a bunch of his, his followers proclaiming

to be the next prophet because Joe was in apostasy. He came into the temple and basically manufactured a coup. And very soon after that, that's when Joseph Smith was ex-communicated and he fled out to Missouri in the middle of the night and held a purge of the Mormon church in Missouri. That's when he ex-communicated Oliver Cowdry and the Whitmers and a number of other like high-ranking guys, or OG Mormons because so many people were pissed off about him stealing all their money with the Curlness, Aity of Society.

Being so far in debt, the whole grandisan new will affair in the three story building and everything and Fannie Alger, Fannie Alger was a huge issue here because he was fucking Fannie Alger and people wanted to know whether or not that was going on. Like there's so much context that's not contributed or not discussed whatsoever in this movie because hey, we can let the facts get in the way of a good story, right? Or a bad story. Apparently. So. Yeah.

No, because this one would have you believe that just all the town's folks got together and said, hey, wait a minute. I don't like how much starts you have in your shirt. Get off that bicycle and ran them off. So no, those were Mormons applauding an assassination of their profit. That's so awesome. All right. So no, those were Mormons applauding an assassination of their profit. All right, so but then we have to get the scene where he convinces his wife to chicken out and run away and then they have to make it clear like Joey's like, oh no, I totally have the balls to stay. I'm just worried about the ladies and the kids and stuff. And he's like, don't worry, we can build a giant monument to me somewhere else.

And he's like, don't worry, we can build a giant monument to me somewhere else. This is an amazing moment where she goes like, will things be better in Missouri? And he's like, always no, never in history with the answer to that question. Yes. Yeah. By the way, I'd God wouldn't have worn them. They were going to have to get their asses out like immediately after they built that big ass church. I feel like God would have, would have told them about that. I told them that was coming. Yeah. Behold, I have

accepted this house for a minute. Yeah. Right now. Get the fuck out. All right. Well, I'm rooting for the anti-mormons. So we're going to pause on a happy moment here. But first, let me give you act three, the hard sell. Will Joseph Smith raise an army with hopes of overthrowing the US government? Will he destroy the press of a newspaper that's unkind to him? Will he fuck basically every woman his dick fits into? Yes. Find out why this movie will never bother to mention any of that when we return for the holistically contrived conclusion of Joseph Smith, profit of the restoration. Right.

Right. Right. Thanks for coming in. Hey, brother Dave, brother Patrick. Look, we know you haven't been super happy with the church lately, but we were hoping we could get some help. Did you guys get my letter leaving the church? Oh, you know what? I think that got lost in the mail.

All of them in the mail. Really? I sent it like 40 times. Yeah. All the mail is bad. Yeah. Yeah. Hard to get mail here. The Don't get a lot of signal. Anyway, um, we're working on this biopic of Joseph Smith and we were hoping you could help. You want me to help you write a biopic of Joseph Smith. Yeah, I mean, we know you love your history. So I do. So do you want me to start with the obvious lies? His previous arrests for fraud at the polygamy. Like, where do we want to start? Where are we dropping the pin? Those are good ideas, good ideas. Pid in those. We were thinking mostly, like, you know, the parts where he converts people

through tug of war. Yeah. Tug of war? Yeah, and his can do spirit. The gumption. Yeah, I don't do spirit. No, the gumption. Yeah, I don't think I can help with that movie. Okay, what if we offered you two cans of French onion soup to bathe in? Damn it. How does he like get to everybody? He bought a lot of avocado toast while he was there.

Like a lot. So our chief export. Right back at truck. Yeah, we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our Mormons, they were chickening out and running away from Illinois with their eyes set on the primordial paradise that is Missouri. And we're going to pick the action back up in Hans Mill, Missouri. This would be an 1838.

God, damn it. I hate this scene so much. All right, but now this is a legitimate, like they came through and massacred the fuck out of some Mormons though, right? Yeah, totally, but we don't talk about what led to that, of course not, right? So the thing is, the way that it introduces this scene

is it seemed to wherever we tried to settle, conflict followed. It's like, you ever heard those people, oh, God, I hate drama. Every relationship I get is always drama. Maybe the problem isn't the other person, right? Right. Yeah. All your exes are crazy, Mormonism.

If all your exes are crazy. But yeah, I wrote my notes here. I'm like, gee, I wonder why just being nice would be so offensive to so many people in such geographically disparate areas. Again, the claim that they're making and and price. I'm interested in what the truth is, but the claim that they're making at this point in the movie is for no reason at all. 25 hundred militia men just came to kill them. came to kill them. So Mormons are happy to try out the Hans-Mill massacre as that is the, like, the peak of the Mormon persecution complex. That's the evidence that they can use because, like, persecution works like fertilizer.

If there's too much, it snubs it out. If there's not enough, then you don't have any real things to base the persecution narrative off of. A Hans-Mill is something that they've gotten a lot of traction from, right? So we talk about the Hans Mill massacre. 18 men were killed in the Hans Mill massacre. Okay. Let's talk about the context of this because all of that is left out of the movie. So the movie doesn't talk about the 150 Mormon Danites who surrounded a judge's house in

order to intimidate him in designing a public order under duress. They don't talk about the Danites raiding and burning towns to the ground. They don't talk about the Battle of Crooked River when the Mormon militia attacked a Missouri state militia. They don't talk about Joe preaching from the pulpit that he would be a Muhammad unto this generation. All of those are facts that apparently just don't matter, right? When we just look at the Hans-Mill massacre, but like you have to understand,

the 1838 Mormon War in Missouri in its historical context is so complicated and the Hans-Mill massacre for lack of better phrasing, was very justified when what happened, okay? Where there are a lot of like five to eight year olds just running around stabbing Mormons, you could throw a lot of like five to eight year olds just running around stabbing Mormons. But maybe not that the kids like you had we can't justify killing the kids, right? But that definitely happened.

That's not going to be myself. Okay. So God, dark turn. I could think of six good reasons to kill a kid right now. One, you want to give a mom her life back. How about that? Two. Two, the plane is not landing for three and a half hours.

It's easier. Okay. So the extermination order that they talk about with governor blogs, the word extermination that governor used was taken from Sydney, Rickden's, July 4th oration that happened, you know, a few months before the Hans, my massacre. Let me give you guys a brief quote to maybe put some historical context on this. This is what Sydney, Rickden from the said from the pulpit that the Mormons would quote, make it between us, meaning the Mormons and them, the Missourians, a war of extermination, for we will follow them till the last drop of their blood is spilled, or else they will have to exterminate us, for we will carry the seat of war to their own houses and their own

families, and one party or the other shall be utterly destroyed. Remember it then, all men." So Bryce, I guess what you're saying is the the Huns villains should have stayed away from the fence, right? Because there's pretty ruclear rules about how close you can get to the fence if they got so close that it is I think like that's what I'm reading from you, right? Yeah. So I'm very clear. You don't go by the fence. Yes. All right. So Joey and his boys go to to talk it out with the militia. They figure they can just, you know, they can just use their words, but no, it's a trap. Joey and Hyrum have been betrayed and handed over

to the Missouri militia. The head of the militia guys the best. He's just like, oh, wow, you're fucking stupid. Do you feel like you're winning or losing right now? You're on your rest. This is not clear. Because it seems like you still haven't realized what's happening. We've tricked you. You're trapped. And it didn't even happen.

Joseph willfully surrendered. Oh, did he really? Yes. So the way that it's couched is George W. Robinson was seen as the betrayer, but at the end of it all, Joseph was, he was willing to take General Lucas on his order. And he didn't have any allies in that militia. So like they spent the night after the surrender being like having shit thrown at him by the militia and like surrounded by a ring of soldiers because there were enough militia men there

that wanted to kill them just as vigilante justice. But there was like general Lucas did put a ring of soldiers around them and say, if they die, then it's on your hands. So you better not let these guys die. Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Cause I saw a documentary one time where it was very clear that Colonel wide brim did want to kill him, but actually, but general jowls didn't like the plan to execute the Smith boys at all and, and, and, and me fuss about it. I've seen that on the TV. So, and, and now I think it's time for what I think we can all agree is the greatest moment of this. Yes. Okay. So they arrest them. They throw and the bad guys are all stand around like demanding that Joey give him a revelation like a gun slinger trying to make him dance. Right. I wrote my notes here. It's like, it's amazing how Joey's life mirrors Jesus. If you take out all the history and add in a bunch of ripped off Jesus allegories. Huh. And John Gaul, honestly.

You look like a lot like fucking Atlas Shug. They go to the invisible valley in the rocks powered by white and gold. Yeah. And the bad guys are just sitting around talking about how much they love to kill and rape and murder. I feel like this is a hard group to join. I don't think I would do well among them. The

I I I I I I I I

I I I I I I I I I

I I I I I Is that two or does that just count as one? One of them tried to run into the blacksmith shop, but I shot him in the back And I Write into his Then I grabbed his And until he And then I Right over the bloody What do you do far yeah, uh wait, wow wait you far man. Oh, I thought

I thought we were bad guys doing doing bad guy stuff come on That's the no man. No, not that kind of stuff. You, I need to distance myself from you. I'm gonna go. Yeah. Oh, oh guys, guys, oh, oh, don't go. Was it because of the jingling in the, oh.

Oh. But then, okay, then by the way, this is also the best worst sinister laughing I was talking about the at the beginning, but then Joey gets pissed oh and he He's we're scolding Turns into a middle school principal There's there's no way we could do this justice but to play the clip. So here is Joey Rebuking the evil prison guards Silence silence he fiends of the infernal pit!

In the name of Jesus Christ, I rebuke you and command you to be still. I will not live another minute and hear such language. Seize such talk or you or I die this instant. talk or you or I die this instant. Okay, I want to just point out that you or I die seems like a weird fucking threat. Right? One of us is going to die right here, put, shoot himself in the face. Oh, good. It wasn't. I was afraid it was going to be me. And by the way, their reaction to that rebeging is weird.'re sorry yes it is they'll just look down and look so very Disappointed and us right now he started it you started I don't care who's starting I will turn this car around right now

Don't go to my room wait I'm in jail I feel like I keep doing this backwards I feel like I really wanted to see a see where he tries to push and he's like, now let me out of jail. They're like, no, no, I mean, we're sorry about the swearing. Cool, right? I'm the one in jail. Cool, cool. Okay.

But no, watch the language. All right. So now we cut to jail. It's November 18, 38. No, this isn't the one he gets shot in. We're not there yet. And the narrator, by the way, is like, and even though Joseph Smith had violated no laws, he was, wait a minute, hold on, what backup?

He was convicted for fraud. Wasn't he way before this? No laws, are you sure? Anyway, so then we get the conjugal vision scene where Emma comes to see Joey and Liberty jail. This is also where Hiram gets to meet his new baby. Yeah, it literally, he's trying to see the baby comes up. He's like in a basement jelly.

They tries to come up to see the baby. And the prison guard is like, one at a time. Yeah, I want to just throw the baby down there. Here you go. If you want to, yeah. But then it be a minute, he's fucking like 40 wives. It's a new way. Yeah. Question, does Warren Jeffs get just like a fucking the middle school bus of kids showing up on conjugal visit?

I've been asked not to answer that question. That's horrible. I also, I also want to point out that like at this point, the narrator's like, and at this point with Joey and Jill, the Mormons were scattered all over the place. I'm like, no, no, no, we call those schisms, not scatters. Schisms. So the Liberty jail is amazing for Joseph Smith. So there are, he had nothing to do other

than just sit in this jail cell with five of his bodies and just think and write letters to the Mormons who were trying to mostly write letters. So the point that I want to take out of this is at the in the Liberty Letters, I read this on on my episode, I think I call it Liberty Love Letters because we see Joseph's letters that he was sending to Emma. And he's just like, give the kids my love, you know, I long to see you. And then we see this letter that he sent to Lucinda Morgan Pendleton. And this, this letter is amazing because she would later become one of his wives.

And she, he says, it was such a joy to see you. My heart rejoiced in your presence and all of the brother and we're so delighted. It is like the difference in Joseph's terminology and phrasing that he was using when he was talking to his actual wife, Emma, as opposed to talking to this woman who would become one of his polygamous wives. When you read him side by side, it's really funny to watch. It is your brain. It is your brain. It is your brain.

Bring sister. Yeah, right. Right. Thanks for your visit. Very best, Joseph Smith. I love you so much, babies. Just you and me gets the world. But after six months, Joey and Hyrum escaped, right? They, they, they,

they, because you know, they'd broken no laws. So you can just escape from jail. And again, you still have broken no laws, have broken the laws literally does not talk about how they escaped. The movie is just like, yeah, they escaped. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It doesn't talk about them bribing the cap. They're captors when they were moving from one jail to another with money and whiskey. And those captors coming or those the constables coming back into Navu after they had established it to collect the bill. Like it doesn't talk about that. It's the grace of God that released them. Yeah, exactly. And of course, this is where they move to Navu, Illinois.

Yes. So, okay. So, we moved the story to Navu. And Navu was apparently a plague-filled swamp, but it was their plague-filled swamp. Right. And the montage we get here is of Joey, like everyone else is building this town in the swamp, but don't worry, Joey was doing the hard work of magic healing people.

He's just walking around. He'll heal. And you love this, right? Because you know the true story of this is that people are dying building this temple for Joseph in the swamp. And he's walking around going, ooh, you know, I'd love to dig out that big muck pit. But Dave's got a cold and I was just over there giving him the wibblewobble, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah, keep up the good work, everybody. Keep up the good work. At one point, he cradles away a baby sickness.

He just like does like the baby moving. Yeah. And no more rickets. Great. And then he rickets. Great. And then he heals everyone else too. I just wanted, I wanted a scene where he's like, trying to awkwardly swaddle a town full of adults and like breastfeed him back to health

or whatever he did. And they show the one kid that he healed, but not the hundreds of dead Mormons that he tried to heal, but didn't. Right? And let's just take a second back to appreciate the meta here. They are all here dying from malaria because of Joseph Smith. They are all religious refugees because of Joseph's actions, not religious persecution, but because Joseph

was trying to overthrow the Missouri goddamn government. That's why they're here. Yeah, exactly. Okay. But they, so they, they build their new town. We skip ahead five years. By then Navu was a pretty happening place. Joey was still just a preaching away.

Yeah. And this is where we get the beginning of missionaries. He's just standing in front of a big group of people. All right Everyone hear me out Teenagers in short sleeve button-down shirts bothering people just all the fuck over the place I'm talking wherever you go. You see them and you're just like, man, that kid's having a rough week. You just like y'all, you're going to just a series of sad teenagers who need a hug. Then they start a bar and fuck a lot of people. It's a whole thing.

Also, okay. So we see the, the scene where they're putting out the missionaries for the first time. And we see in the background, a couple of black women getting interested in it. And I'm like, oh, ladies, this is important. Ladies, you're going to have to wait till 1978. Okay. This, so we meet these black, right?

Is the thing in the Scottish people come and people come from all over to show it up by the boat load. But then we actually learn who that black person was. Bryce, you have some notes about this person. It is amazing. Do you want to tell us who this black woman is? Yes. Oh my God. This is so beautiful. Okay. So this actually all plays into Missouri because this scene that we're talking about where they show the missionaries, that's actually a flashback to 1830, 1831. One of the primary catalysts that caused so much conflict between the

Missourians and the Mormons was the Mormons were proselytying to freed slaves in Missouri. Missouri was the northernmost slave state. So these freed slaves were learning how to read by reading the Book of Mormon, and then they would go and teach their family members how to read. And that is obviously a threat to the entire economic and social structure of the Missouri, right? That's right. The fact that they had these women show up in, you know, when these Mormons are preaching

in 1831, just shows like, oh, wait, hold on, this is exciting. Okay. Then we get to Jane Manning James, who is one of these converts. And Jane Manning James is held up as like Joseph was such a progressive. He had this black female servant that was working in his house. Like he had a lot of other female servants living in his house, whatever that's slave. Are you just saying you want to say the word slaves? I feel like that's what you're getting at.

He wasn't paying them. Interns. Black female interns. Jane Manning James ended up going out to Utah with the Brighamites. She did not say with Emma Smith in Navu after Joseph's death. She pled with Brigham young repeatedly to be sealed to Joseph and Emma Smith, like so many of his other wives and so many other people had been. And there was a lot of adoption being practiced at the same time where Joseph was adopting men into his family as well. It's like this whole big cohesive, one big happy Mormon family in the afterlife.

So Jane Manning James was not allowed to be sealed to Joseph as one of his daughters. However, she was able to sit in the temple while a white woman stood in by proxy for her and sealed it to Joseph and Emma as their eternal slave. Their eternal slet. So the person they chose to put in the movie was a lady who was not just their slave, which already you're going to want to gloss that over, right? Who was there eternal, who Mormons believe is still up in heaven being a slave to Joseph Smith, like handmade's tale, like just like theid's tail. They put that in the pool. And wasn't allowed to be in the ceremony.

They were like, all right, all right. You will enslave you for eternity, but I don't want any. In our tum, yeah. All right. So now it's time to spend a little time about how monogamous and progressive in terms of feminism, Joseph Smith was. So this is the scene where we have, how monogamous and progressive in terms of feminism, Joseph Smith was.

So this is the scene where we have, Joey's out in his yard beating a rug. And the Scottish guy comes by and says, you know, he's basically going, Joey, you're doing ladies work. You're a prophet. You shouldn't do, in fact, you should do absolutely no work at all as prophet, really, when you think about it. And this is where Joseph tells him, look, you don't do the chores, your wife's gonna get mad at you.

And I really, really wanted to hear the full version of this conversation. Hehehe. But, but I thought Joseph, why do you not tell your wife to do the chores? Here my brother, the Lord has intended us all to be wed for all of our days, and that means that you must help in the home. Ah, I see, I see. Also foot rubs.

Sorry, foot rubs? Yeah, like foot massage. You gotta don't take ten minutes. They go crazy for me. Just rub the feet there They're always hurting always sore rub rub the feet prophet I'm supposed to yep. Yep. Also, you're gonna have to masturbate on the toilet. I'm sorry What? Look, I mean you got like three maybe four loads a day You got to get out and I know what he catching for fastballs a day

You're gonna have to start taking some long shits if you know what I mean. I'm actually gonna go now. This is like hide downloads some good shit under your phone is what you should do for all the toilet wags you're gonna need. Okay, thank you. Like a lot. It can't be just the same thing over because eventually that won't get you got it. Okay. That's some good advice right there. No, it is. It actually is. It is. You got to be rich, have a big dick or do chores.

Right. Rub feet and beat off on the toilet. I've been happily married for 21 years, guys. That's the secret. Chores then. Chores. Yeah. Beat it off on the toilet.

I have a miss. Yeah, but Joe, the key on this scene though is that Joey and Emma sure course then. Sure. Sure. Being off on the toilet. Um, Yeah. But Joe, the, the, the key on this scene though is that Joey and Emma sure did have a happy marriage without any problems or any strife, or any taking the other person's work of God and then demanding that he recreate at least one page of it or you won't believe him about it. None of that ever happened. They were very happy together. And you, like, you have to cut Joe a little slack, right? So it's like, Oh, yeah, do some chores around the house. Well, he had like, you know, 30 houses that he was, you know,

husband and like, that's a lot of menial labor. I guess this run and through just beating one rug after that. He's got a little line. Don't tell you what you want to line exactly. He's doing like a marathon. They're throwing water on him in between rugs. I feel like this documentary came out right after a Buzzfeed expose. I have Joseph Smith came out. I was like, yeah, I know Joseph. Good guy.

I really wrote lots of nice stuff on Facebook. Then he jumped in his time machine and burned down Buzzfeed. Yeah. All right, let's burn it. Let's build another temple. All right, come on. Let's have dad die. Let's have some.

Yeah. So yeah, now, yeah, we even have a little montage of Joey only loving Emma with it. They have leaf fights. They play on swings and stuff. It's, yeah. Mm-hmm. Which he didn't have time for any of this shit. Like he was building a city from the ground up and like meeting with dignitaries and like, like, corning 33 wives and like attending Masonic Lodge and running his red brick store into the ground. And like, they had all the

public works projects like, you know, digging a canal through Navu to channel water and power all their machine. There were a lot of things he was doing. He didn't have time to go lolly gag with the local kids. Yeah. No leaf fighting. That was, that was just an addition. It's not historically accurate. Um, okay. So now we get Joey's dad dying because we have to get another emotional punch in this story. And of course, on the deathbed, dad's like, Joey, will I ever see Alvin again? And Joey's like, yeah, whatever I have to tell you to make you give me money, that's kind of my thing.

What's your? You just say you like my book and you're all set. Yeah, exactly. I wanted the dad to die by going, Alvin, get it? It's chipmunks. Yeah. You guys. All right.

I have to also point out. So this is when the actual practice of baptisms for the dead Mormon necromancy came into play, which Joseph revealed after his dad died. And now we'll we see Alvin again. And then he like did it in a whole bunch of Mormons just started getting baptized for all their dead loved ones and then Joseph Renegged on it and was like, hey, you can't do any more baptisms until the temple and my mansion are done They were fucking around too much they were too busy

Stop saving your dad relatives. You can remove them from hell when my wall is built I Need a bathroom for each bedroom for all the wives. I've finished basement. And okay, and now they build another temple and I thought to myself, oh my God, his life is just as repetitive as his book. It's gonna happen 11 more fucking times, isn't it? Right. And there's this great moment where one of the women is just like,

why are we building another temple? Seems like a huge waste of time and resources. We just said that everyone's poor and we're stuck and he's like, hey, hey, two words, tax, dot. But unfortunately, even though all they were doing was hanging out, the temples being super nice, a giant gang of evil people tried to keep it to Missouri again. Yeah. Now keep it my dear. They're like, they're trying, because that's what they're trying to sell, right? They were just trying to live their lives and do their thing. And

then wouldn't you know what? Missouri made a big damn deal about the escaped felons that were living one state over and asked Illinois to give them back, you know. Oh, Jesus. This is one reason why the location of Navu was really advantageous to Joseph because he was constantly on the run from government officials, from Missouri, from Illinois, from, from multiple states. So they were right on the Mississippi, whenever somebody would come in a Navu trying to serve one of his dozens of arrest warrants, he would just hop in a skiff and go over to the Iowa territory

and boom, they're out of the jurisdiction because no interstate police force existed at this time. Oh, right. Yeah. It's actually kind of brilliant. Kind of. Yeah. Well, yeah, for a little, for a little while, limited brilliance, your experiences may vary because he does get killed at the end of this story. They also said that Joe was to be extra lighted on false charges. Yeah. Fuck you.

You just said he fucking escaped from jail. You said that in your movie. You're now like telling us that you're foolish. Shit. We can't believe anyone. Damn it. And false chart. Yeah. Bull is shit. We can't believe anyone damn it. And false chart. Yeah, Arsene robbery high

treason, the king pin of an unauthorized militia who waged open war against Missouri militia, burn and pillage chattelons to the ground. Like those, yeah, false charges. Sure. No, fuck you. And they're all mad about it. They're like the fucking authorities took it as defiance when we did all those things, Bryce just. Yeah. Exactly. Well, and then they try to like pull them, they try, they take them in a custody, try to take them to Missouri, but then up in, in their own movie, again, a militia of Mormons shows up, stops the people who are acting under the order of the state governor at rifle point. And then they're like, oh, but we invited him to a party, though

afterwards. So it made it okay. And then invited them to dinner. Oh my God. I was watching this with Anna. This point Anna turns to me and just goes, this is the shittiest production of seven brides for seven brothers. I've ever seen seven brides for one brother. Yeah, right. And of course, we don't talk about him burning the novel expositor to the ground, because it probably next post day on his polygamy. No, we don't talk about the open act of tyranny that he committed. And this is the weird thing, the, uh, the narration here gets really repetitive. The mom keeps saying they said they would give him fair treatment, but they didn't give him fair treatment, fair treatment, fair treatment.

And again, the wild wild country references here are so fucking same zis. It's just, I wanted to shield it a like drop down from the ceiling and be like, you should put some poison in people's Wendy's. What? Sorry. 150 years. Bye. It's just right because what, what that story means by fair treatment is joining our religion and letting us commit crimes, right?

Because what what happened is and I did some reading on this, well, what happened is Joseph would then turn around to congregation members and people being like, well, how does the governor say you're a traitor? And he'd be like, look, me and the governor, we're going to sit down. We're going to play some P-nuckle, maybe some Pudge easy, maybe some cockroach bugger. I don't know. We're going to play, but we're going to work this whole thing out. And if they do anything else, it's because they betrayed me. Okay. I'll see you guys in a little bit. Yeah. Right. Right. All right. So now we get the scene where we're, Joey's going to go turn himself in, but first he has to have some sad music preaching. Oh my God. So melodramatic.

Just look, though I know I send myself to certain death, I am amazing. I will not try to use my magic powers to start the goal and fail and shit myself. I'm going to go out like a total badass case. Anybody asks? He might as well be wearing an I'm going to die like a total badass case. Yes. Anybody asks? He might as well be wearing an I'm gonna die sign during this long time. And dragging a cross behind him on his horse. Yeah.

And Joseph was arrested or appeared in court 42 times. Jesus Christ. During his 14 year ministry. Okay. He gave this speech more than just this one last time. He's destroying his 14 year ministry. Okay. He gave this speech more than just this one last time, saying I'm like a lamb to the slaughter because one of these times he was going to be right. And this time he was the 42nd time his mom's just like, I know, honey, have fun getting

arrested. I'll see you in there. You are a martyr, honey, I'm sure. All right, and now at long last, we get to Carthage, Illinois, June of 1844. I was literally chanting, shoot him. Yeah. Shoot him. Shoot him.

And even the narrator was like, what came, what happened came as no surprise. No shit. maybe not the way that you're viewing it, but yeah, we can understand what was going on. He was also running for president because he wanted to overthrow the goddamn government like yeah, yeah, this was long overdue. So we have this insane slow motion bullet montage. it's like a hitman movie, Ang Lee derailleur, he's a, all the things are, it's put as a dove flying up in front of just his face. And then he turns to the window and starts to run towards it in slow motion. And then a title screen comes up and it's like, he got, he got shot.

He's dead. Yeah. He's like, well, okay, there shot. He's dead. Yeah. Exactly. Well, okay. There are so many little Easter eggs for the Mormon historian here, because like, I'm sure all the shit that we're seeing getting shot, you can go see in the Mormon museum and buy your own shot clock replica or whatever. And of course, my whole time, I'm just writing in there. This is such bullshit. Han shot first. This is complete nonsense. Um, but yeah, but they show the broken window again. Like they don't show him like getting shot out

the window or anything. That's just an Easter egg. If you happen to know the history, apparently. Yeah, because I wrote in my notes, based on the truth of this movie, I would be 0% surprised if he jumps out of the window and then takes flight, turn the bullets into chicken dinner to feed everybody. How surprised would you be if he just flew out that window? Zero based on the way. And like flying horse up to heaven. Right, right. All right. So yeah. So he gets killed. And so now just as they're finishing their second temple, they decide to move on. All of them together all in one voice decide to follow Brigham Young out to you to a how unlikely.

Let him let by his mom. She's just like, all right, everybody. Brigham Young's the fucking bees knees. 100%. Yep. We're all in agreement. Losing Mac never gave her blessing to bring him young. The Smith, most of the Smith's fucking hated bloody bring him young for many, many reasons.

There was a huge riff between the Mormons who went out to Utah to bring him my Mormons and the ones who stayed in Illinois. Like, yeah. Well, yeah, this is frustrating. But the way they presented Joey's mom's like, all right, well, some of us will stay here, but only because we're old and can't make the trip. We sure do still think Brigham Young is second and command. Amen.

And then we wrap it up. It's just like in 1846, Brigham Young led the first 70,000 pioneers westward, and I wanted to come up and say, and that's where the real blood paths began. Yeah. Let's talk about the more sites. Let's talk about the recon murders. Let's talk about the Hansel Mass. Let's talk about the Native Americans. All, you know, right. Right. At the Mormons like sold them flower with broken glass in it. Oh, let's talk about any of that, please. No, any, no, we're just going to get drone shots

of Salt Lake. So yeah, that's pretty much it. I love it, like I was like, because then they show the Salt Lake City Temple. I'm like, holy fuck, if there were one more temple, this would be an honorary Zelda game, right? Yeah. Look at all of our great and spacious buildings. And I love, okay. So at this end, if they're playing, praise to the man, which I thought wrapped it all together so well because at the beginning, that first skeptical woman before Joseph, before when she was talking to Lucy and she's like, Oh, why don't you ask Joseph yourself?

She said, I hear that the Mormons worship Joseph Smith. And at the end of it, we're playing praise to the man who can win with Jehovah. It's so goddamn perfect. You could not have written that better. Oh, I was relishing that moment, the deepest core of my being. Oh, God, it was perfect. Oh, man. He's saying, I also love that this movie ends with no credits. No one wanted their name. They were all too proud. I'm good. I'm good.

The movie cast. Okay. Well, that and that's where it ends, of course. And I got to think of myself. Look, if these assholes can rewrite history, so can we, dammit. So to close things off tonight, I'm going to give each of you a chance to tell me something about your personal history With the same level of humility and honesty that the Mormons used in this film.

All right, and low Eli was cast as elder cunning ham in the book of Mormon on Broadway. It was also go on to be that snowman and put a four to house, but not just any house. One that wasn't filled with 1950s poison. And Verily, Bryce did attend a live podcast in Seattle and brought the host delicious sacrament to help calm their stage fright. One of the hosts mistakenly thought that there was a special ingredient and thought that he started feeling funny, but that was purely psychosomatic and had nothing to do with the sacrament and behold, Bryce never smelled like goddamn soup. All right, I got

one. And so it came to pass that Noah totally had his shit together and didn't forget to eat and sleep and bathe while Lucinda was gone. Uh, and low. He once took off his shirt during sex and he's definitely sure that the vagina has a back wall and is not infinite. All right. has a back wall and is not uh... all right well price i can't thank you enough for dropping uh... little knowledge on us today

obviously there was so much more to talk about so people want to learn more about all the details of what really happened where should they go they should check out naked marminism that's a serial more than history podcast everything is so much deeper than you could ever mention. I'm only just scratching the surface with that podcast. Of course, I'm also on my book of Mormon, where we read through the canon of the Mormon church, and we're just about to finish with Dr. and a Covenants. We just did the polygamy revelation.

That was so much fun. Yeah. Or anywhere, Twitter, social media, naked Mormonism, you can find me anywhere. Awesome. Of course, we'll have Bryce's shows linked on the show notes. Well, that doesn't for our review of Joseph Smith, profit of the restoration, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet. Cause Mormon movie month is just getting started.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck. We'll be watching three Mormon short films pride, the doctrine of grace and on the way home with one beautiful, beautiful thing in common. But you'll have to tune into the show to find out what that is. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 146 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to price for hanging out with us today. And perhaps even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode

donation of patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn a way access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows and scanning a of the excitation needed in the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and more of our else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or send them out on your suggestions, you can email gotoffomoviesadgmail.com.

Legal Services for this podcast are provided by the offices of PA Dr. Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, a Viva LaDraft son of Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audience, Junior Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check here of life this week. For he then write in the e-Libos, I'm Noel Eusens, promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club, Clow.

Mormons eventually got a church member on the ballot for President of the United States. But he announced how he trades women like garbage billkids and ended up losing to a layman I guess. L. Ron Hubbard would eventually make Mormons seem basically normal. But for real though, the avocado toast was delicious. Really good.

Worth it. Brigham Young was a theocratic dictator. Okay, you went with the true one. We were all, yeah. I guess we all went with, I guess we all. Yeah. You like just put in, you know, whatever words you want, you can actually say whatever it is that you haven't mind.

It's going to be interesting to actually steer this on the other side of the whole. Yeah, no, I just, it's a nerve wracking moment when you say to Eli, say whatever you want, I'll censor it later. That is perfectly unbelievable. Painter in the 20th century. That is so absolutely perfect. Yeah, no, don't mention anybody that Joseph Smith had killed or any armies that he raised or any governments they tried to overthrow already. Other women that he may have.

Yeah. Oh, look at... clean this rug uh... yeah boy could he pull a stick the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in the thunderstorm l. l. c capi rei twenty eighteen all rights reserved