God Awful Movies - 147: Gam147 Doctrines of Grace

Episode Date: June 12, 2018

This week, Frank and Dan from the [Thank God I'm Atheist podcast](http://www.blogtalkradio.com/tgiatheist) join us to break down three Mormon shorts that all share a dark secret. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

I've never heard the story. But I think Dan and I are both so intimately aware of more manipulations techniques that it was like you see a woman, you see athletics, something bad happens. You know that we're not going to hear about her getting a gold medal Yeah, no, I seriously saw that wheelchair coming a mile away too bad she didn't see that Not awful movie Who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be who be it left is the chair where he'll sit when he gets back, but until then sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm good, Noah. Hey, you know who's a great actor in spite of what we saw three times in a row this week? Daniel Beach, everybody.

We swear he's great. A lot of evidence to the contrary, but trust us. All right, speaking of which, also joining us today are two very special guest massacres. Frank and Dan host the thank God. I'm atheist podcast. One of the shows that really paved the way for shows like ours. Frank, Dan, thanks for joining us. Thanks for having us guys.

Awesome. I mean, I don't know if I really should be thanking you, frankly. Right. Yeah, right. Exactly. We'll see you next time. We got that over early. For right now, I'm going to thank you. Awesome. All right. so we watched not one, but three movies, well, three shorts anyway,

and they all share a dark secret. So Frank, what will we be breaking down today? I'm pretty sure that's going to be Dan Zego. Actually, it's three Mormon films produced by the so-called Church Education System. I'm using the word Church loosely because we're talking about Mormons here. Also, education is pretty loose on that one. Yeah, I'm a film. These are not artistic endeavors. Yeah, probably even system when you think about it.

All right. And Dan, we've already alluded to it. But what is the dark secret that binds all three of these films together? Well, no, it's Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, oh, and also there's this incredibly dashing young actor that makes an appearance in all three of them.

It may seem a little weird that the LDS church would use the same incredibly handsome kid in all three of their idiotic propaganda pieces, but when you see how insanely talented it is, you really get it. Right. And I cannot wait for you to see how insane he is. Young Dan is. Oh my God god you guys I was it was the 90s. Is that my excuse? It was the I don't know did the 90s make your head a perfect circle

Pretty sure that was just my Swiss heritage Yeah, the round head was big back that though. I remember yeah I'm going to twist. Yeah, the round head was big back that though. I remember. Yeah, exactly. All I'm saying is I was around in the 90s too, Dan. I don't have anything quite this embarrassing to go back to. Well, no, you do.

It just wasn't put on to film. Well, right. That's my problem. This is the problem of the aspiring young actor is that your worst mistakes are there for all to see apparently for eternity. That's true. I feel you, Dan. I feel you. Yeah, and you had a lot of reason to believe that these would be forgotten. You couldn't have foreseen YouTube, right?

No, although I will admit that at the time that I made these films, I was pretty fucking proud. I was like, yeah, everybody should see this shit. What are you talking about? I was a believing Mormon and I was, you know, I was getting, I was booking gigs. Like what's not to be happy about? Yeah, yeah, it's sent in a great message into the world. Oh, yeah. Really good message.

Really strong, solid, clear messaging here. Clear, that's what I was gonna use. Clear, very, very clear. Well, the fact that you were proud of it shows how poorly the message was received anyway. But so, but before we get to that, Eli, tell us, how bad were these movies? Well, if you love child porn,

you're tired of losing your sandwich empire because of all the sex, you will love these movies. Hey, Dan, Dan, why did you start in three almost child porn because that truly is the only connective tissue of young Dan's film career is children being like, oh, I sure would love that lollipop and me like getting my dick out and everything. And we're talking about Mormonism. Uh, let me just make sure I understand the question. Are you asking why was I in them and not you?

Is that the question? It could have been me. I love it. It's just my bitterness. Just sad fat baby Eli sitting next to Dan. Hey, good luck, man. I don't need luck. I'm fucking Dan Beach. I mean, you spin my mouth and walk away. Tap dance away. I'm more like it. All right. So I liked to depress Eli early. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Best worst scene of youthful rebellion I'm talking about the arcade scene He's wearing a golf shirt Exactly rebellious youth. Yeah, yeah, conservative haircut and everything. Yeah. The cleanest cut kid ever. That means that someone described their rock bottom using the word street fighter two. That has been for this part of the movie to take place. Hey, Eli, I hate to be a pet and but that was street fighter one. That was the original.

It's said, it said Capcom 1987, sir. That was I see. Yeah. I want to point out that even Frank went down that rabbit hole to I did not I I'm apparently the only one who didn't extensively research the video game that was But do you have any best worse? I do I do I think it has the I think we're about to experience the best worst future We're about to experience the best worst future that's ever been imagined. You know, they have access in one of these films to literally the most amazing tech ever and they ruin it because they literally use it for the worst possible use of this tech. It's, we'll get to it, but oh my god.

And in the worst way, it's not even just a bad goal. It's a bad use too. Yeah. Everything about it is just everyone should be ashamed. Literally, if the, if I honestly thought that that was the future that was coming for us, I would be at the next school shooter. I would. Ouch. Eli, I'm going to go with best worst Folgers commercial. And yes, I am counting the one that was obviously about incest because here's the thing, these films are five minutes long, 15 minutes long, and 32 minutes long respectively. And yet, each of them needs to fill time with what is so obviously a commercial for Folgers,

just like fishing and dancing and singing airs, she's random things that they insert into this movie so that they can get that sweet, sweet five minute length. I will amend that though. This can't be falters. Exactly. You can go post them on this. They have a decaf, falters has a decaf.

Okay. All right, well, we've got three times the bullshit for you this week. So we're going to heat the break. Breathe and we'll come back. We'll make fun of Dan until he starts wishing he hadn't suggested these at all. Hi, I'm Tony D with Tony D's more than movie time, Philus. Is your moment movie three minutes, but you need it to be five. Then why not fill it up with Tony

D's more man movie time, fill us. We got fishing coffee drinking, ride and bicycles and interviews with accident victims for no reason whatsoever. Tony D's more man movie time fill us because you know, movie. We should put a montage in this skit lengthened it out a little bit. And we're back for the breakdown. Our first selection is going to be a 10 minute film called Pride and we're going to start. Well, if I want to be polite, I'd say and media rest, but I don't want to be polite, so I'm just going to say they forgot to make an intro because holy shit the videos going. It's a it's a great opening shot of us of a family walking into sort of a what is clearly a slightly high rise building in a mid-level city. Yeah. Also, Dan, is this how they began shooting like were you all there for a table read and they were like, movie now. Because that would explain the fact that no one is wearing a costume except for the very

first woman in the very first scene who is wearing an apron, you know, one of those future apron. Well, okay. Yeah. So we're supposed to be in the future in this video, which we know because when they walk into this building, they are in Lex Luthor's foyer. What the fuck were we going for here? What I love is that, yeah, you've got a room surrounded by these sort of portal-looking

things. It's meant to be futuristic, but it's Mormon, so they couldn't help themselves. They had to do a faux finish on everything. It's kind of a wankovator vibe to the whole thing. So silly. And by the way Eli mentions this woman and her and her apron. She is dressed like fucking Santa's little helper. It's literally bright red and bright green. She's got a little pixie cut thing happening. And there's no explanation as to why, because the rest of us, this family looks like what we were, which is right out of the 90s. And I'll tell you what, we've had a lot of physical appearance notes in this show, so

something we're sort of known for. But oh my god, this kid in the purple shirt in this, am I right? Looks like fucking Aaron Trump stunt double. Well, it looks like an accident with some glue and bleach, well, we're in a coon skin. Cap, you know what he looks like? He looks like Corey Hayme fucked Andy Warhol. Is wait, oh no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, never mind.

That's you, isn't it, Dan? Never mind. That would be me. No, and now this begins with Dan sort of rough thousand with his sister a bit. And that's not your real sister. So Dan, question was the fight that you guys are having in the movie about the fact that every time you breathed in your hair, got drawn further into your head. That's that the right because it's it's bull cut. Now I assume you started at NOAA at the age of like seven and then just a series of inhalations you were at bull cut. This was a what what you're referencing

is actually a very nice feathered bang situation. Sweeping down over the forehead, a lot, Johnny from the karate kid, it was very very good. All right. So you were clearly the bad guy in this video. Good to know. I have the sister character down as Captain caveman's daughter. I hope that's not in polite. She's not like a friend of yours now. Is she? No, no, I actually am Facebook friends with one of the women from from this show will reveal that later. Oh, I'm excited. Hopefully I don't have any notes on her that I have. No, no, no, it's fine. She's she's she knows she was bad. All right. So apparently what's going on here, though, is this family has gone to a some type of virtual reality holodeck situation to learn Mormon lessons.

And to be clear, you guys, this is the actual holodeck technology. This isn't like VR goggles or something. This is fucking you walk into a thing and you're interacting, you're touching the other people. This is like everybody's responding to you. It is real life created by the computer. And they're using it to teach you about Jesus. Yeah. And for the record, the subject of the day is pride.

Yeah. Where man's love that topic? Yeah, I mean, I thought when I saw that it was going to be all about pride, I was like, oh, okay, that's love that topic. Yeah, I mean, I thought when I saw that it was gonna be all about pride I was like, oh, okay, that's kind of progressive, but no, no, no pride is the bad guy Yeah, I mean, we should all be watching this for pride month, right? But no Pride that they're talking about clearly not and okay, so so the the lady in the apron Santa's Mormon helper She says we're today. We're gonna be talking about pride president F. Robin Mormon name And okay, so the lady in the apron Santa's Mormon helper.

She says, well, today we're gonna be talking about pride. President Efra bin Mormon name, it's just like the most Mormon name you can possibly fucking imagine, define pride as enmity. And at this point, the sister character turns to dance character and goes, I bet you don't know what that means. And I'm like, I bet the people making this goddamn video

don't know what it means. Cause it sure as fuck doesn't mean pride. It's practically an antin' them Yeah, exactly for this simulation. We will be using a definition of pride that isn't real And to be fair dance character covers himself pretty well. He's like a doo-doo. It's a Soup you So believable leaps I Dan's character covers himself pretty well. He's like a dude too. It's a soup. He's a smooth, so believable. Least. I want to point out I acted all of that with just my eyes. That's the best I act. I really, I really got solid eyes skills.

Well, now eventually they do get around to giving a good, they never give a good definition of pride, but they do give a definition of enmity that shows that it doesn't mean pride. She says enmity means one who has hatred, hostility, or opposition to God or their fellow man. And I mean, that's correct. But that would be like me defining fucking as when you have sex with Dan or someone else. Like why would I just love that Mormons are the ones who are saying, oh, don't have enmity toward your fellow man. Really Mormons? Cause like, that's your wheelhouse right there.

Yeah, right. All right. So it's time for it. I love this bit too, because she says like the, the, the, uh, Santa's little helpers, the questionnaires you filled out will help us, uh, simulate all the stuff for your lessons today. And apparently the questionnaires were things like describe in pixel level detail what your friends look like. I wanted a flash cut to them, just filling things out with a number two pencil and feeding

them into punch card machine. It's like, I feel like this would have gotten better. No, it's fine. It's fine. It doesn't look right. Oh, you had a hanging, hanging Chad. Sorry. Yeah, right. So, oh, that you don't have a gargoyle friend. We'll see it. All right. So now everybody, it's time for everybody to step up

for their individual personalized simulations. And we're going to make you wait for Dan. So because first we have to get CIS's simulation. Now, she's given the option, the computer, she steps up the computer, says, would you like your simulation to take place in school church home or work That's just a list of places you wish you didn't have to be why the fuck would you simulate places? I don't want to be that'd be like if Westworld was just modern day Oklahoma

Would you like this amazing technology to take you to Mars? Well, fuck you, you're going to school. Right. You're school, not even a school on fucking Mars. And Frank, I just want to say, I see in your notes here, you appreciated the girl's sweater just as much as I did. Well, I owned that same sweat. Apparently, we both shopped it express in the early 90s. All right. So, Jan, that's the sister's name, her mission, if she chooses to accept it, is to go into her own school

and stop the simulation. As soon as she sees an example of pride and I'm like, well, that sounds like a fucking blast. Yeah. I wrote my notes here. Mormons are as good at the future as they are at the past. I've only just now realized all of Mormonism is just one big escape room. I just. Holy shit. And you escaped years ago. So yeah, okay, she walks into her simulated school and I'm thinking, okay, as bad as this is, they've already done more with this concept than the Ready Player One movie did. And then she goes to her locker and chats with Jennifer, the uncool kid for a second, right? And then this is where Jay and the sweater girl turns around and she's going to be like the prideful girl and go like, oh, I wouldn't hang out with her.

She doesn't have an awesome stripe sweater like mine. As a beautiful sweater, I mean, let's. And as we know in the 90s, everyone was color coded by how bitchy they were. The stripes mean very bitchy. Well, if that wasn't enough, she was also brushing her hair. Yeah, she's, she's perma brushing her hair. Like, I thought we're going to get a manga. Her and Jin class brushing her hair. Yeah, she's, she is perma brushing her hair. Like, I thought we're going to monga her in gin class brushing her hair. She never, her entire movement is her brushing

her. Also, I love this because the Mormons can't have her walk over and be like, Hey, fatty. What's going on, bitch? So she's just like, don't speak to her. Wait, why? Because I wish for you not to. This is bullying. This is what it looks like. Um, so, okay, so but she, she recognizes the pry where she sees it. She's like, Sam, the computer, stop the simulation. I think I've found some pride, you know, um, and Sam's like, yes, yes, Lisa is displaying, displaying hatred towards her fellow man by thinking she's better than others.

And I'm like, oh, Lisa is clearly better than Jan and Jennifer. Very obviously better person, although not in acting. I got to say Lisa was a problem. And this is where I'm going to rat out my friend because the girl that played Lisa in the Stripe sweater, they had real truck like in a you know that when you're acting in a Mormon movie And they're mad that you're acting isn't very good I've done something wrong Like her agent got a call

I will admit the question did pass my mind. What is Lisa's first language? Yes. I was just wondering what they did with simulated Lisa after hours to be perfectly honest with you. Oh, there's that. Yeah, well, you've watched Westworld, you know, I would ruin this simulation.

Ha ha ha. You're saying. Hmm. Subject to Eli Bosnick has not requested a stop in his simulation. Sam, can you show me what he's doing? Oh Jesus Christ, get out of the machine, get out of the machine! And Westward rules, man, anything goes! You chose home! Jesus, I'm never gonna be okay. Shouldn't let me choose home then Yes, you would Eli I

Sharing I'm so okay, but Jen stops the simulation here. She's like hey, I found the pride It's as though where's Waldo was just a selfie. I mean, it's pretty easy here It's as though where's Waldo was just a selfie. I mean, it's pretty easy here. And the robots like, yes, but you're also prideful because you don't like Lisa for being a bitch, right? Yeah. This was such a weird switcher. Rue can either of you explain what I was supposed to be learning here? Because it just looked like the beginning of a sales meeting where someone's called in a consultant. he's like, who could tell me how many fingers I'm holding up right now?

A two in a thumb? No, two in a th- Oh shit. Fuck. It's me, man. I have a, I mean, this is, this is, this is the whole like sales pitch of most religions, which is everybody's broken. Right. And we're the only ones what can fix you.

So it can't just be that like the bitchy girl has pride. It's our main girl has to have it too and then not see it in herself. I wanted the girl to turn around on the computer and be like, yeah, but you're judging me. So don't you have pride? Oh my yeah, it's just this eternal. Yeah, exactly. Well, there's also this, there's a hidden message in this as well, which is, you know, the computers like it's easy to see pride in other assholes, but more common is

pride toward those we see as above us. AKA don't question the breath. Yes, right. Right. Exactly. All right. So now it's time. Okay. So that's it for her.

We're done with her and now it's time for Steve to get his simulation. And he's given the same choice, work, homeschool, or if I can prison or whatever it was. He chooses home, likely thinking, well, the whole rest of the family's here. I can jerk off as loud as I want, I guess. I can.

Can I just tell you guys how much I love seeing in your notes the realization of what's actually happening? Yeah. As Dan walks in, as sorry, as Steve walks into this home environment and all of these young teenagers are looking at a TV and some music is playing. So all of you are like smooth jazz saxophone. Yeah. And every single one of you, I, one of you take it because you all had it in your notes.

I love it. Yeah. Well, as a joke, all of us wrote, oh, him, uh, fucking dance friends are all sitting around watching porn. And then it turns out that that's what's happening. They're sitting around in mom's living room with mom home. First of all, okay, again, we're using virtual reality to simulate your house. And the goddamn computer can't even simulate enough chairs for all your imaginary friends to sit in. You got to sit on the fucking floor. Well, Frank, you actually pointed out

what this is supposed to be because I was confused. This is supposed to be like a make out party, right? Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, the vibe is so just necking and heavy petting, right? And there's nothing going on. Look at each other just look a straight head. They're the most lifeless extras ever. Yeah. Their faces don't reveal the porn, right? They look like they're watching a fucking documentary on the Byzantine Empire. Yeah.

Yeah, it looks like they're watching Ken Burns Civil War. Yeah. And it wasn't until I saw Frank's note that I was like, oh, this is a lesson about make-out parties, not a weird thing that happens in Utah that I didn like, oh, this is a lesson about make out parties. Not a weird thing that happens in Utah that I didn't know about where you and your friends all gather around and politely watch a porn. No, no. Usually you need to understand is that to a Mormon watching this show, it is completely

understood that what's happening is these kids have all got rented a PG 13. Absolutely. VHS. Yeah. And they're watching something that might have shown some side boob. Right. Like, this is not porn to a Mormon mind. This is like, oh my gosh, someone said the S word.

Right. Oh, any person who grows up Mormon knows is when that scene happens in that PG 13 movie, mom or dad appears in the doorway. It's like magic invariably, like they hear the that soft smooth jazz and they're drawn to it like a moth to the flame and they're like, like, oh, I wonder what's going on over here. Oh my God. It's not even about the music.

You can have the sound all the way down. And if a boob comes out, your parent is in the room somehow. That is, if I were to believe in any Mormon magic, it's that a Mormon parent knows when to catch you watching something you're not supposed to be watching. All right. So, so mom comes in, she calls Steve over and she's like, hey, you know, you can't be watching that PG 13 movie in my home. It breaks the rules.

And Dan's character goes, and gets all angry because mom wants him to tell his friends, they have to turn off the porn. And I'm like, this is a simulation. What, these are simulated friends. They're not gonna give you shit about this later. Her during your simulation, you were a real dick about me and Ashley, so I watched. What?

Back to her sluts three. Considering yourself uninvited from my scouts jamboree. I just, what I love is that like, throughout this entire thing, and there's minutes more of me, like going back and forth with my mom on this, there's not a moment that I don't think, I'm just gonna punch her in the face. This is fake.

This is simulation. I wanna do. My swell. I'm gonna take off my clothes and fuck this girl, and she can watch and be mad about it. Why the hell am I like arguing and getting genuinely exasperated in a simulation? Right.

Well, I'll tell you what, the thought that kept recurring to me as we were watching this is, oh my God, at some point in reality, Mormon writers sat around in a room and thought, hey, you know what we could do if we had VR? Not watch porn. Let's make a video about that. had a round in a room and thought, hey, you know what we could do if we had VR, not watch porn. Let's make a video about that. Oh my God.

And this is the first time and last time anyone in any of these videos will make a same decision. So Steve is like, hey, can we just stop this simulation? This is insanely boring. I just went and paid for virtual reality of my mom bitching at me for watching a flat TV. So Yeah, yeah, this is I would like it though if at one point the mom was like, uh, you know our rules about videos in this house. No smooth jazz I really wanted her to be mad. I wanted it to like cut over and she's mad because there's a black person playing the sax. He's like, come on, look at him.

He didn't even change back, turn that off. But he has to change. That is not delight some, not at all. So Steve's like, oh fuck this simulation of the robots. Like, dude, I didn't even get to the fucking pride part. But then it turns out that the one who was being prideful here was Steve by arguing with his mom. Yeah.

By the way, did you guys notice one of the one of the one of the things that we haven't mentioned is that the contention here is that the the simulation freezes and all of the people, all the computer simulated people stop and they're frozen. But I don't know if you noticed. That lady playing my mom was not happen. You had to be there for to hear the set direction to know that's what they were going for. Yeah. And this is where Dan has a big, yelling fight with a computer of nature of sin. That

computer gets so pissed so quick. He's like, you are an opposition to your mother, the rules of your family, and God. And I'm like, yeah, maybe, but, uh, I know that that stands, we just, we actually get to it in a stands breaking point with belief. We see it on camera, right? It just, this movie just happened to capture it. Yeah, the computer escalates so

quickly, I really wanted that to keep going. You see, Pride is the worst of all sins. It is hatred of God. Well, I didn't know it was so bad. Oh, it is. It leads to damnation. Bad. Oh, it is. It leads to damnation. Okay, seems a little extreme just for pride. You are a beast, worse even than a beast. Um, Sam? There is only one solution. One might call it a final solution. Okay, did someone install Twitter on you? Yes. Okay, there's install Twitter on you? Yes.

Okay, there's your problem right there. Cuck. So, all right, so coming out of that, the computers like, let's try that again, but this time with humility, and then the mom and Dan's character have the exact same conversation using the exact same words and the computers like, dude, that's the fucking saying. You just did. There's this great thing. So when I was on set for this, they had pre recorded the voiceover for the computer and

their plan was to just do it and play back for me so that I could be interacting with the actual sound of the thing. But this was before the digital age. So they had it on real to real. Oh, Jesus. So literally the sound guy was attempting to fast like to get it to the right moment the next time and like, it never worked. And so like what constantly happens and then you'd have to rewind as we reset and you know

He's got it all on playback so all of these times when the computer is going Steve Steve go to the You need to practice humility when he'd rewind I there was this delightful thing that happened every single time Where it would be like yet sip it it beats So I know how to say Steve in backwards. Yeah, yeah, nothing else good game of this. So, yeah, so Steve's like, boy, this isn't easy. I might have to try a whole second different thing. And so they try it again.

And this time he manages to not be me into his mom. But then he starts to walk away and he makes a smart ass comment under his breath and fucks it all up. And I'm like, that is the story of my life. Right. This is also where we get the play it again, Sam line. And Daniel, when we met in person, you didn't tell me you had delivered that line. So I'm going to have to bite you next time I see. Now you know why I didn't say anything. I just, I love that the fucking Mormon writers are like, you know, it's really going to get to it and the kids is Castle Blanca references. So funny. So good, you guys.

I can't tell you. I just love it. The other thing is that so there's this moment when it freezes again. So eventually my character gets the right answer or whatever. And it freezes and the computer's like, Steve, you did a good job. And there's a freeze frame on the actress playing my mom. And she's got this proud smile thing, but she is, it looks wrong. It is so creepy.

I was like, ooh, computers really haven't conquered faces yet. Kind of had to remind myself that like, this is a real actress and this is not one of those uncanny problems with the whole like computer generated people thing. Yeah, that's what I call a skin biting smile. I don't know if that means anything to anyone else, but, um, but yeah. But then, and then of course there's the whole punchline to the whole thing that computer's like, very good, Steve. You managed to not be proud full.

And he goes, I bet my sister never gets this far. Get it? Cause that's proud. Proud. And that, and that's the end of the movie. Yeah, well, not to be fair. Steve did learn his lesson. He is not proud of this at all. And in fact, has never been proud of anything again. So well, well learned. Steve was I the only one who wanted more of this film? What happened with your shitty parents, right?

This is just crappy writing. They went into a simulator too. I mean, like, come on. There was a little sister at one point who just sort of disappeared. Yeah, yeah. I was like, reabsorbed into the matrix. I guess so.

How amazing would it be if we checked over and dad's just like doing hooker off a pussy? He's like, yeah, no, you kids are learning about pride. Me and mom are doing something very, very, very funny. This is the 27th century's version of anal sex. If it's in the simulation, it doesn't count. You know what it says? More new out, no more floating.

It's now, it's now all simulated stuff. All right. So I guess with Dan's pride in the rear view mirror, we will, we will move on to our second short, not quite a short, but no, fine. It's okay. I wanted to watch more of Dan's acting. No, really. And this one.

And this one is called the doctrine of grace. Solid title. Really solid title. Yeah. So we're going to start this one off with a little girl biking through clouds in space. And I gotta say, that's a great opening. I am curious as fuck right now. Yeah, I wrote in my notes, Dan, you look lovely. I have the same comment actually, Dan's first drag roll.

Yeah. Because I know of others. I know. He's not joking. He directed me in a film and we'll get, we don't have to go into that. That's a, that's the crazy movie. We do a secular bonus episode once a month by the way. I don't know how often you may need to see that one.

So all right, but no, okay. So this little girl, I guess, is dreaming of being on a bike, but also she's dreaming of falling off of her bike. Yeah, it's amazing because like at first you think, oh, is she dead? Is she right? And then she falls. So then it's like, is this some horrible dark omen of something to come? Like to me, that moment, that moment of her falling off the bike is like, is this some horrible dark omen of something to come? Like to me, that moment, that moment of her falling off the bike is like, don't get a bike, little girl.

Yeah. Right. No, you know what? This is a fucking prequel to the next movie. And this, this is gonna make a lot more sense. Yeah, this is where they lost her. Okay. So, but no, this was all a dream. She, she wakes up, wishing she had a bike, so she goes outside and says, hey, mom, can I get a bike? You cheap bastards. And dad says to her, you always say you want a bicycle. Are you willing to earn it? And this is the first, but not the last time I wrote in my notes, cue porn music.

Because then her response is, yeah, I do anything. I do it. I just say wrote, I do not like where this is going. Maybe maybe Eli goes to heat college for you again. And then I think the line, the line that the dad said, if you buy it yourself, you can have a bicycle. Yeah. Well, she thinks dad, giving me permission to use my own money. Yeah, she thinks dad Giving me permission to use my own money

Yeah, no, that's a topology there dad But no, but he says if she saves up all of her money She can she can have a bicycle she can buy a bicycle. That's how commerce works dad. Thanks. Yeah So now we're gonna have a little montage of her trying to earn some money. We started her lemonade stand. And I got say 15 cents, pretty good deal for some lemonade. She cuts the prices. I feel like she just needs to move to an area with more foot traffic.

The price is not the problem. This is little Suzy's very first lesson in economics. Look, if your product is 15 cents and it ain't selling, the problem isn't your markup. Yes. I wanted there to be a kid who walks by the baby heath walks by and he's like, I got 10 cents. I poured in my hand for a dime. I mean, can I buy a half a cup or like, let me work a deal with you here. Baby Eli's in the back. Do you make room, temperature, let it get out of here.

Good. Here. See you in 20 years for some avocado toast tomato juice. But that doesn't work out. So then we get like her pulling weeds and trying to bathe the dog. Oh, I am so the dog. I don't think we can call that bathing the dog. That's torture.

She is drowning the dog. She is trying to drown the dog. Yeah, right. She's like, you know, Michael Vicks said he gave me $200 if he never had to see this dog again. Yeah, and I want to point out this dog is not putting up for with her shit. Like no, uh, you this dog, cause this, they're shooting this, but the dogs like, no, I'm going to need you to get the fuck off me. No, we cannot overstate the amount to

which she is not being okay with this dog. She is dragging it across the grass by its color. And then like literally like hoisting it up, trying to get into into this basin, but kind of pressing down on its neck against the side of the thing. Pulling it by the eyeball. And it's like, it's horror. It's horrific.

And then we get down for like 15 minutes, right? Because they're like, hey, man, little girl wrestling with a soapy dog. That's the can't lose situation. Most of this video should be that. So it is. I literally texted Heath during the scene and I was like, Hey, man, the week you're gone, there's a montage of a dog getting a bath. And he was like, ah, wait until he figures out that he doesn't get to make fun of sports thing in a movie. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. And who's be very disappointed to miss the intro to the next one. And then by the way,

this whole her making money montage ends with her and dad mowing the lawn with a lawn mower from 1863. Maybe it explains why he can't afford a bike. I don't know. Yes. Where the fuck do you even find one of those? Anyway, so the little girl runs up at the end of it and she's like, dude, we did a whole fucking montage. I'm on my fourth outfit. Make with the goddamn bike already. I just love that she can't finally approaches her dad. She's like, Dad, dad, can we talk about the bike?

And he is their shucking corn into an 85 gallon barrel. Like, I know Mormons have big families, but how the fuck much corn do you need? Um, I also love like that they're saying, hmm, what would dad be doing? Shocking corn. Yeah. No, that's a dad thing. They all said at the same time in the writers room, they were all just like, shocking corn.

Okay. He put it in the mail. It. I love, you know, of course, we added it out. So it seems seamless and everything, but I love that the Freudian slip of talking about Mormon writers is to say the whiteers room. Is the whiteers room. Yeah.

So, okay. So dad says, okay, well, I'll tell you what, you don't have enough money to buy a bike, but we'll take you to the spike store to look at bikes. And I'm like, oh, yeah, kids and women, especially love to look at things and then not buy them. This should go well. I just love that the implication seems to be that like, look, what you got is enough money for me to take you to the store. Yeah. Give me your money. I'm going to drive you there. And then fucking save up for later. Some real money. You dumb bitch. Yeah. So Pimp dad takes her to the bike store. And she looks at the bike and she sees the price tag on it. And she's super disappointed.

And then dad's like, well, how much money do you have? And I'm like, well, she doesn't have 80 fucking dollars. She's so 16, 100 cups of lemonade out in the front yard, dad. As whole. And then what dad said, like, what a douche. He's like, he actually says, you're not going to have enough money. Yeah. Right. Yeah, you knew that starting out dad. Yeah.

You knew that. You're just setting this kid up for failure. Like, what the fuck? It's literally just like, ha ha, you failed. Yeah. It's like my mom used to tell me I was a handsome kid and then I was like 16 when I found out that that wasn't true. It's like that, but we're the bike mom.

Mom. So, but, but luckily for her dad will fill in what she's, what she's missing, the money she's missing. If she'll toss in a big hug and kiss. That's a big hug and kiss. That's not what my life is rooting for child porn. So we're really long intro to a child porn. I like, yeah, literally he says you, if you give me all that you have and a big hug and kiss, the bike is yours. A.K.A. learn to use physical affection and expressions of love as currency and men will buy you. I want to Jordan B. Peterson to walk by in the background.

Good. Good. All right. And now I'm going to save the listener a little trouble here. That's over. We will never hear from that little girl that has nothing to do with anything else. This video still has like seven minutes, but none of it has anything to do with anything. That story is over, right? When you don't get when you first watch it,

like when you're not just watching it, what we cut to, you're you're trying to piece that together. Yeah, absolutely. Me and Noah's notes here are just amazed. We've got charts and lines, like Sherlock Holmes consulting detective over here. It's just like, I'm like, okay. So she, she loved her bicycle so much she became a gymnast. Why would she be a cyclist? Also, we have to point out here. So this movie is made in 1992 and they have this montage of this gymnast going back and

forth doing stuff and she's good, but like gymnastics have gotten way better since 1992. So she's like, she's doing flips and stuff, but she's not like whatever that girl was that was just the Olympics who just like hovers in the air and flies with her butt shakes for 20 minutes. I found it depressing is my point. Well, what I found depressing is that they're using like the girl is doing some flips and things and they're using this tracer pattern. E.F.

Becht that was cutting edge in the early 80s. Like what are you doing? I remember that from the electric company. Yeah, exactly. This is not modern. Like even for the 90s, that was dated. Yeah. So now we're, okay, apparently we're watching a 30 for 30 about this gymnast. I was at this point, I'm like, is this the thing that they taped over to get the right thing?

And so, but now the gymnast that we're talking to, we will eventually reveal that she's now paraplegic, but we don't know that right away. And so all she's like, I saw that. I saw that. I saw that while the broadcast that's so far in advance. None of us were, we're surprised. Well, Eli was, according to his notes, but yeah, no, like we know it way before the reveal. But when we first, like when our, her voice first starts up, we're, we're listening to a voice and watching a gymnast flip around. So you assume you're hearing from and looking at the same person you're not. Right.

This is just an example of gymnastics. Um, but what she's basically saying is I was amazing at gymnastics. No, like really amazing. I'm like, bitch, you need to go back and watch that pride video. But no, I guess since she's paraplegic now, it's okay. So basically, she's a Mormon. I guess this is probably a story that Mormons know, this Mormon gymnast that broke her neck trying to do a pommahorse thing. I had never heard the story. I had never heard the, but I think Dan and I are both so intimately aware of like Mormon manipulation techniques that it was like you see a woman, you see athletics,

something bad happens. You know that we're not going to hear about her getting a gold medal. Right. Yeah, no, I seriously saw that wheelchair coming a mile away too bad she didn't see Wait no Even though Mormons weren't like Frank and I were not necessarily aware of this person Frank did find a connection Yes, this is amazing

So I I was watching this with my boy, I made my boyfriend watch this with me, right? And, and he sits up at one point, when I had predicted that she was in a wheelchair, and he goes, well, if she's in a wheelchair, that's my third grade teacher. What amazing! And so I have a whole update on her now. We looked

her up. Her name is Diane, right? Diane is married to Scott Smith, a former clown with Ringling brothers in Barnaby, Bailey, circus. No, we have four step children and teaches elementary school right here in the Salt Lake Valley. Oh, well, there you go. There you go. I'll get that. And part of this is to point out that yes, we've gone from one narrative that was completely like fiction. Yeah. To inexplicably a, oh, an extra like a woman who's trying to be a motivational speaker. Well, and yeah, and we end her story on such a dark note, right?

Because she's like, ah, I got my neck with broken. I was like, well, Jesus, but she ends it it by being like I am really excited to be healed by Jesus I will be first in line when Jesus is healing people and I'm just like That's a good not funny turn I guess I'm bad news All of the messaging is wrong throughout this entire thing. It's pretty amazing. Like she, she goes through like, oh my God, I got broken and it was the worst thing ever. And there's, and there's all this video of her apparently like in the hospital and video

of her being trot wheeled out on a gurney to a, to adoring fans. I don't even know what that was. But the takeaway ends up being just that like hopefully God will help you feel better because after he breaks your neck ruined. Yeah. My notes were like, I feel like Jesus should have had you just land anywhere except your neck or even you a slightly stronger neck. It's just like a weirder thing. There's also this crazy moment where she goes, you know, if you think about it, it's kind of like Jesus rising from the dead. And I wrote in my notes, because it's not going to happen.

Well, and she even had missed that, right? She's like, I gave up all my burdens to the Lord. And I love the Lord so much. Now that doesn't mean a miracle is going to happen. It definitely will not. God can do it, but he's not going. He is absolutely not going to until after I'm dead. Right.

Yeah. God does not do spinyls. No. Yeah. I had written in my notes several times. I've seen a lot of spinyls. This goldbricker walks. Right. Exactly. I do want to point out. First of all, I'm going to say musical note.

Any as crack and horror addictions mean she'll literally take any guess. But also, I want to point out that this girl, we're talking about her. She, as she talks, I fell asleep 12 times. Because this one, I mean, you got to, could she be more old? Oh my God. This is like, this is the most passionate, this is the thing in her life that she's been the most passionate about ever and the most pivotal, most destructive, horrible moment in her life. No, don't take a quailude before you do the video. The fuck is she was interviewer at a certain point just going anyway. It just goes to prove not every quadriplegic can be a motivational speaker.

Yeah, that's not that's not the only qualification. And then we're done watching that and we're standing here. This is the most, the least connective tissue since fucking money, Python's flying circus. So yeah, now here's Dan. There's a minute 45 left in this thing after all. Half of that is all his, well, it's Dan, but it's not your voice. Dan, do you want to share with the class? Why you weren't vocally up to the challenge? Yeah, David Proust here. What happened?

No, no, no, they couldn't use his voice. Just look at him, right? Like he was six months from his sexual peak. The lady folk in the audience would have been able to find something. This would have been one of those videos they'd have to simulate your mom catching you watching then. Oh my God. Can I just tell you guys how fucking pissed I was when I found out they weren't going to

use my voice for this thing? I mean, and that's just because I would have gotten paid for another day. Right. That would have been great. But it's no. I'm like, literally, they start, they're showing me what to do and everything and I'm like cool And when do I come in to read the thing and they're like oh, you're not reading the thing So we have a really ugly kid reading the thing like ugly you're the I'm not reading the thing

Why am I not reading the thing what is happening? Well, I'll say what we can make up for that now, man You would you like to tell everyone the story of that you didn't get to tell them then? Oh, let's do that. Hey Mark. Hello. No, no. Hey Mark. Hey Daniel, what's up?

Well, I wanted to give you this book. It's a New Testament of Jesus Christ. Wow, really? What's it about? Well, Jesus comes back to America and saves all the ancient Israelites who sailed there in a boat God told them about so their skin turns white.

Okay, I'm gonna go. Everybody goes. No, no. Hey, Mark. Hey, Daniel, what's up? Well, I wanted to give you this book. It's a new testament of Jesus Christ. Oh my God, again, this is the third time this week.

I fucking hate living in Utah! So yeah, that's basically what we're getting. Oh my God. The whole story is, one time they asked me to put my testimony in a book of Mormon and bothers somebody until he would carry it away for me and eventually I did. And it's literally that sad. There's like this voiceover's like, I was really nervous. And I, but I finally got up the courage and I said a little prayer and I shared the book with him. And then he says, and this is this part's actual quote, he didn't say too much.

Just kind of took the book and walked away. It was incredible. Like literally, that's that is the pinnacle moment for a Mormon. Yeah. You can actually get them to take the book and walk away. He did throw it away while I was still looking. Still in the hands, still in the hands. He did not throw it away in my sight. That is only in. Yes, he's got around the corner with it. All right. And now we're done with Dan, by the way, there's still 45 seconds left so we can introduce another character. This is a girl telling us about a time she was rude to someone. And I'm expecting there to be stakes. I'm expecting to be like, I made fun of that girl's clothes and then she killed herself.

But no, it's just, and then I apologized. Well, first she prayed about it. Wow, right, right. Then she apologized. I just wrote my notes, hey, I'm sorry. I said, you look like a woman's volleyball coach. I just love that like in the Mormon mindset, like I think you guys are underestimating how passive these humans are. Like these people like to actually approach another person and verbally apologize to them is momentous.

I guess they're passive in their aggression and they're passive in their everything else. So yeah, that was a big deal. I'm just glad to know that Frank was on my side. This girl deserved bullying. Oh, yes. No, no, because I mean, she, she like says come some comment about the clothes, but like, I was like, no, fuck that hair. Come on. You're doing this wrong. There's low hanging fruit there for you. All right. Well, and if you're thinking to yourself, like, hey, what the hell are you guys doing?

Those were for unrelated stories that you just stitched together. Apparently, welcome to Mormon educational videos. Um, but as the guy was tasked with threading some sort of narrative through that mishmash a random half finished thoughts, I know I need a break before we move on. So let me give our third film the hard sell here. But the fuck was that bicycle bit about? Like was that a self contained story in their mind? Is the moral biobike or your daughter will horror herself? Find out the answers to some other questions and more when we return for the hopefully somewhat cohesive finale video on the way home.

Okay, everybody, welcome to the holiness that is us seen for and action. Now, how much do you have for your bike? Not very much at all. Well, what would you do for a bike? Oh, just about anything. Oh, yeah, here we go. Cut, cut, sorry. Eli, is it? Yeah, sorry, I got a little excited.

This is my first child porn. Your first what? Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. A adult on child, adult movie. Is that right? I don't know what you people know that is not right This is a Christian film from the Church of Latter-day Saints Really?

What she what she gonna do to get the bike then give him a hug Oh Get the hell out of here actually He's my cousin here into the the cameras and stuff, so... I did, by my cameras. All right, fine, but okay, but do not speak to me, okay? Okay, okay, sorry. And action.

Now, why don't we go outside and have a water fight with your brother and sister? Yay! Don't forget the soap. Okay, here we go. That's it! What, come on, that was so, ow, ow, get up, ow, ow. So wait, do I get sex or not?

Damn, kids. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our breakdowns, we were seriously wondering if Dan was gonna make us watch his old home movies next, but no, instead we're going to watch the doctrine of grace. This is the story of a family mutually moisturizing. Um, and it starts out with a little bad sportsing just a piss heath off. Oh, man, some sweet, sweet half shirt wearing Daniel basketball. Oh my God.

Daniel, how do you not spend all day, every day trying to destroy this footage? What are you talking about? I made a solid bounce pass. Yes, yes, you did. It was solid. It was clean. The other guy couldn't pass it back to me. I made it out of, I could work on my pick and roll a little bit, but no, no, no. I, this thing

started, I spotted Dan. I'm like, damn playing basketball. That's how I know this is fiction. Exactly. I will say this is exactly what I picture. If you say Mormons playing basketball, you know, this is exactly what I picture the sound fundamentals. There's a shot here where we see like one dude go up for a layup in slow motion and he misses the backboard. He misses that in the cut to this obvious other shot of the ball going in the hoop from a different angle, you know. I feel like the cutaway could have been in France. Like it was so very very not that shot.

So in the defensive philosophy for these best well players, by the way, it seems to be like, now don't crowd anybody's shit. Don't invade his personal space. Yeah, and tell it's all just one big cluster. Fuck like it's like, it's like everybody let him through. He's, you guys, he's the lead of the movie. We need to let him do that right. We wouldn't want to be rude but for the rest of it everyone just stand in a herd and one

person who bounce a ball. Right. Okay, so we get this awesome basketball shot and then Scott the lead in this who is not damn not at all has to has to leave. He's got to go get baptized and his basketball buddies are a little miffed possibly because he takes the fucking ball with it. I wanted so badly for the next part of that scene where they're just like, you guys want to just pretend? And then the kids says, I'm going to go get baptized.

And this weasel faced little other guy who actually got the lines that I thought I was supposed to get, which is, you're not better, not better, not at all, not at all. And the other thing is like, yeah, we'll learn this is just me filling out the thing, because this is the only moment that I'm actually in this damn thing is this basketball game. But this weasel-faced kid, like goes baptized, how come? And then hangs his mouth open for like 43 seconds. He's expected someone to put a free throw in it.

Yeah. Right. And it's like, it's for my sister. And then one of the kids, he bounces away and one of the guys is like, isn't his sister dead? And he's like, yeah, yeah, sister's dead. Let's not talk about it. Come on. And that set me up for some serious confusion later

because he still has a sister who is alive. Right. Right. Like, wait, what? Well, yeah, the friends didn't think, oh, no, no, no, he must mean the alive sister. But that, but you have to understand how well that moment played with the Mormons because the Mormons all like would have been sharing their glances, secret of side glances about

like, yeah, we know what's coming because he's going to get to be with that sister again. I thought that this was, that was a cue that this was going to be a baptism for the dead video. I was getting stoked. I was so excited for him to be like, put on a blonde wig at the end of this. Sure do love bicycles. No. No.

So all right. So he runs off to go get baptized. He's dribbling all the way. Um, and he comes across these little girls playing in a sprinkler. And they have this actor just stare at him in the most child molestery way possible. They have this weird blue filter that makes it seem even creepier. The music is screaming., tries like a creepy fucking ice cream truck music. Yeah, it is upsetting. Like I like to make those jokes, but I was like, oh man, this is like a job. Okay. It's actually, it starts with two little girls playing with a sprinkler, like one of

those rain bird sprinklers, and they're just laughing and squirting each other with water or whatever. And then he flashes back to his little sister and suddenly it goes into slow mo and she's doing this sort of sexy like hair throwing around. It goes weird. It's very, and they're the way that they're playing with the sprinkler is not how I've ever seen children play with the sprinkler. I've seen two women do that with something spraying before, but not. Not children. Good lord with the sprinkler. Check the show notes for the episode. I'll put some. No, you are. So, okay.

Yes, this is the beginning of his magical growing and shrinking and ever perpetual sweat stain on his tank. Yeah. Which for the entire rest of this thing will keep showing up and getting bigger and smaller for no apparent reason. I do remember them actually having to spray us all down with water. Wow. Cause they couldn't expect warm and kids to actually play enough basketball to get some

sweat going. I get it. They leave you guys to play for 45 minutes. They come back. Wow. So bone dry. Okay. We're all going to spray you with the hose.

All they're moving around really makes it just dissipate into the air a lot. No, I feel like they were just like they were like, hey, you know what? I thought of an excuse to spray all those little boys with a hose. So okay. Now this is the first of many. Okay, this video is as uneventful as fucking Romeo and Juliet, too, right? So they have to in order to like make their 32 minute time, 90% of this has to be flashbacks to things that don't matter to the story that

we're telling. So, we have this extended flashback, a him remembering fishing with his little sister, which is great because it starts with her running toward her dad with a fish, her dad who's standing in the water. Where is she running from? She's coming from the woods toward the water with a fish going daddy daddy look which made me think like

you can stop fishing we can buy them at the store yeah right I found a colony of land fish it pans behind her she's being chased by a bear I got one but I guess what we're supposed to see here is that the brother caught a fish too and his

fish was bigger, but he didn't want to steal his little sister's thunder. So he put his fish back. Either that or he just felt bad about stabbing fish in the face when we could just eat the ones that were already dead. I don't know. Yeah. So why can there only be one person torturing the fish? Why it's a whole family exercise?

You all get to grab something by the lip and then suffocate it in the air. I don't understand. Why is it? You feel bad about that, but not the torturing of the animal. You have weird priorities, Mormons, weird priorities. All I have to say is this, this little flashback also begins a very bizarre convention that comes back at least one other time where everyone in the family is wearing the same color. Yes, they're all in red, which suddenly I was like, wait, Mormons are the Rajneesh.

It's the same. I grew up in a one- No, it is country. It is, it is. It's just that there weren't already white people when they showed up. Yeah. They're just the Rajni. She's that got away with it.

Oh my God. Wow. All right. So we're done with that flashback. And now we cut to mom coming home with groceries. And we start this with the most useless establishing shot in the history of film. Right, we get mom walking out of the car with the groceries so that when she shows up in the kitchen with the groceries, we won't wonder where the fuck she came from.

And I know I've been house shopping too long because all of my notes for this scene is wow, that's a really nice open kitchen. I want to know what they're asking for that. I don't know. She sent the zillolist thing over to Anne. Sorry, sorry, what movie? Yeah, the mom was a hat. So that Andrea, it was in the room with me and she's an interior designer of some repute

I will say and all I could, all we could do is just look around going, oh my God, the 90s exploded. I love that house. So, and it is, and by the way, this is the first, this mom, mom's entrance is the first of many instances of floral prints. Yeah, oh my God. Her skirts are floral prints that curtains are floral prints. Mormons, I'm amazed that we don't all have tattoos on our faces of flowers

because it is floral prints. If you're not wearing all denim, which that will come also, you're in floral. I mean, to the point where it almost seemed like a joke, right, when the floral prints started showing, they just started showing up on cars and things by the end of this. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. And by the way, what we're establishing with these multiple shots of mom walking in the, uh, with the groceries is she's about to call dad to see if he's on his way home from work yet. Really got to fill these 30 minutes. Well, and what's amazing is she calls him, first of all, the first thing she said, she has this Margot Kitter smoker since she was eight voice. Which is not Mormon at all, but it is a little bit sexy.

So when she called him, she was like, where are you? And I was like, oh, damn. Mom's calling dad at work for some fun. I'm in the shower. Where are we? We know where Scotty's running. Yeah. All right.

And so, okay. At this point, mom and dad are on the phone and she's like, you know, are you going to make it home in time for the big baptism? And then they have another flashback. This is the weirdest goddamn thing I've ever seen. I was, I was literally confused. Like, I, I lit my brain is still in a bit of a pretzel about this whole thing. It made no sense. Right. So because this flashback is interspersed with black and white shots of them fighting along

with these bucolic, like little kid birthday party type shots. So I'm like, okay, is this a flashback or is she having a stroke and her neurons are just randomly firing? Also, yeah, I mean, it's it's happy and then it's sad and then it's happy and then it's sad and it's happy and you never get any sense, they don't explain what part is being happy about what part is being sad. Eventually, you've kind of figured out these guys were way better off before they were trying to be Mormons. Like it's, that's how it's used to be. Family, they were doing great. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know why the Mormonism needed that.

And we should point out that the music follows along with this. Yeah, that's right, right. Yeah, uh huh. I hate you. I hate you. I feel sorry for the pianist. I do have to play the score. You the director just standing hovering over them.

Sad, sad. for the pianist. Uh, I do not play the score. The director is standing hovering over them. Sad, sad, sad, sad, happy, happy, happy, happy, Ro! Um, yeah. And by the way, when they're doing the fighting scenes, we don't know what they're fighting about and they're not fighting about anything. So it's just, it's just, just, just, circulation fights. And it's a German silent movie bad, right?

Like everybody, everything is apparently they're fighting over the end of the goddamn world. There's plate breaking and then there's a birthday party and then there's a towel fight. Oh my god, it's so weird. And let me tell you something, like the thing that launched this, let's recall the cheat mom just called dad at work and said, are you gonna be home in time? I thought you would have left by now and he's like no, I'm still here. It'll be a minute and like the shock of that moment She suddenly her entire life flashes before You didn't do anything just then what are you being traffic?

You didn't do anything just then. What are you being traffic? Um, so mom's worried that dad and, uh, and, and Jody are going to be late for the magical dunking. Apparently they've got a family baptism going here. Uh, dad sure is sorry he was short with her just now. I'm like, was he though? I mean, that flashback short was he? And then we cut to two girls getting in a car.

One of these is Jody, that's the living sister. Again, like Frank said, they do not kill you in on who this is, right? You're almost at the end by the time you're like, oh, okay. So we had two sisters. Right. And they're doing like a vague like, oh, we're so grateful that you talked to us about being, I mean, you know, that you were honest about that. And that we ended up doing, you know, the thing.

And I'm like, is this gay stuff? Cause I'm into it. Oh my god. Real into these two girls are so clearly a lesbian couple by the end of this movie. It's like, it's unreal. Like literally, I expected there was a moment moment where the daughter turns to her friend and goes, man, if this would have happened, if you hadn't been so, and her friend goes blunt, and I expected her to go, no, I was going to say good at kind of lingus. That is certainly a blessing. So the scene shows up, they're leaving school or something and they're getting their car to drive off.

And then this one girl is running to catch up with him. She's yelling, Jody, Jody, your dad's on the phone. They don't hear her. I wanted her to like just back into that chick, but instead she just drives away, which she just drives away there by making the moment when the girl comes out running completely like superfluous. We did not know that moment. No, it's not like it was an important message that was missed there or anything. Nope. Jody, Jody, your dad's trying to call to see if you're leaving to go to the, oh, you are. Okay.

Right. Um, so, but yeah, but Jody is super happy because her friend pestered her about being a Mormon. So now we get to a flashback of the time her friend talked her into being a Mormon via telling her not to suck her boyfriend off. Oh, the version of peer pressure because we've seen this now in a couple of Mormon movies. The Mormon movie version of peer pressure seems to just be like, no, once he gets his penis in you, you just trap it with your colloca. And then he's like, what? What?

Mormons do tie off can confirm. Yeah. So like we start the seat off with the with Jody, the sister going like, I don't know. I don't want to have sex before marriage or anything, but there's so much pressure to. And then her slutty friend is like, no, no, penis in the vagina. That's the way that's the, that's how it's done. Yeah.

And again, none of them are like sex is fun, sex feels good. She's just like, no, seriously, your vagina is a bear trap. Trust me girl, your vagina is a bear trap. It's gonna have to chew that thing off to get away from you. Literally, like the slutty girl's like, if you don't give it to somebody else, will. And I was like, and that's why you date the blonde. She has the attitude. There you go. Oh my God. It's, yeah, the messaging to Mormons about sex and alcohol never, ever includes that either of them in contain any pleasure, ever whatsoever. Right. Until they're blessed by Jesus or whatever. But man, the way that they talk about it, it's,

I think I, I mean, it's like Satan himself is in control of every penis on the planet. And if one gets inside of you, you've got Satan jizz all up in you. It is like that though. It is actually like that. So the slutty friend walks off, she's like, oh, there's a penis I have to suck it. And her friend like it's a pie on a windowsill. Yeah. Right.

So, um, so it's, you mean, Eli's just got his dick out on a fucking window sill and you talk about where the hell is that girl? Um, so all right, then when she walks off the Mormon friend turns to Jody and she says, look, we all know girls who fucked before marriage. And they're all ashamed of their spells, especially after we make all of these videos about how ashamed of themselves they should be and forced them to watch it. Yeah, she's like, I have all of these anecdotal stats just at my fingertips that I just made up that say that you're going to be so miserable if you have sex. Right.

Yeah, no. If there's anything we know about orgasms is it's more fun when you don't have them. Right. Well, she starts off normal and then she takes a weird right turn into extremism, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And none of those terms are weird when you're Mormon. Yeah.

So shut up. She's like, well, what should I do? She's like, well, you should tell your boyfriend that there's going to be some rules. Worked out great in 50 shades of gray. Say for her. Say for her. there's going to be some rules worked out great in 50 shades of great. Safe. For And if he's bad, you need safe words, you need to know like, have a hanky code, maybe. So okay, then we cut to dad.

He's dad's about to leave, but wouldn't you know what the guy from the homeless shelter shows up just then. So we have to have another god damn flashback of dad being rude to the homeless shelter guy. I love this. So the secretary's like, Hey, Mr. Perkins is here, whatever. And he's like, no, no, no, I don't have time. And then all of a sudden, Mr. Perkins is just like just barging in. What is it? What is it with do cutters just like barging in like Like that doesn't make any sense like anyway, and also what kind of fucking mood were they going through

Well, and the lighting like Anybody else know like it is seriously shot to look like a noir film from the 40s And like a noir film like the only crime. It is. And like, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, trying to do noir on my phone. Yeah, right? Yeah, exactly Also, can I just point out that Mr. Perkins or whatever He's he's the like the administrator of the homeless shelter. He is not a homeless person himself In dressed like fucking Charlie Chaplin with hats and hand and like, bested up sweater. He looks like a hobo clown.

He looks like a hobo clown. He'd look, yeah, if he had like shoes that were too big and like, it holds in his hands. It's ridiculous. Yeah. Well, and so the way this team plays out to, he's on the phone with the secretary. He's like, oh, why do these do-goaters always bother me so late the day and just then that's when Mr. Perkins barges into his office. And it's, you know, it's the whole, oh, he's right behind me, isn't he? It's that moment. But all he called it was a do-goater. man, not the DG word. But don't worry because there's about to be a real ironic twist of fate.

Yes, yes. By the way, the whole do-gooder thing, I'm going to point out that's Mormon's idea of a non-mormon's insult. Because right now he's not a Mormon yet. And this is, the non-mormons of the assholes who won't give a corporate donation to a homeless shelter. And as we will learn the world's shittiest homeless. Yeah. Right. Right. Like maybe he's just like, dude, we actually gave to the other, to the good homeless shelter. Yeah. You guys actually gave to a, not the kitchen full of people that we're

about to find out. You run. Right. All right. So we're still in the flashback here. The Mr. Perkins flashback dad goes to leave work in this flashback as car wouldn't start because God's mad at him for not giving money to the homeless shelter. So he has to find a phone and apparently he lives in a town that is entirely connected through hobo fire alleys. He just might as well have passed through every dangerous alley at the beginning of every action movie.

Yeah. Robocop shooting a guy in a tank and Bruce will have stuck in a guy and some like, oh, I'm pretty sure he walked right past Christian Bale like deciding he's going to be Batman in that moment. So he winds his way through Gotham city's underbelly for a little while. And he happens upon this homeless shelter where he can go in and ask to use the phone. Now it apparently doesn't occur to him that this might be the same homeless shelter that the guy had been asking him, like, because he's completely surprised to see Mr. Perkins there.

Oh, yeah. And I want to talk about this tiny moment that happens. As he's heading in, there's like a homeless guy heading out and he dives out of this guy's way. He might as well scream cooties. You know, you know what I'm supposed to say? Oh, uh, honey, do we still have a house? I thought I caught homelessness for a second.

He is walking through and around this homeless shelter the way I would. He's like, uh, no, gross. Poor people. Poor people. Poor people. And the room, the state of this place, like literally the movie producer and the locations manager went to the worst motel that they could find the movie producer in the locations manager went to the worst motel that they could find and like went to the owner and said, what's your

most modestly priced room? We need a musician at the homeless shelter. I'd like to put a kitchen table in there and the only African Americans you'll ever see in a moment. Yeah. Oh my God. So he goes through and he goes into the back to make a phone call and apparently fucking tiny Tim is in the back trying to give him a cheese stick. Oh my God.

It's Damien from the Omen trying to speed this guy. It's so weird and what is he holding because we all have a different note about the thing he's trying to give him, which is like way too long to be a French fry, but way too like rectangular to be a carrot. I don't, I literally cannot figure out what the fuck this thing was. Well, I was like, who's this glowing boy with a pickle? I love dance just as a long rectangle of food. I guess breadstick. So I had to stick.

Um, yeah. So and and by the way, like we cannot overstate just how pig pen, decennzy and these homeless people are right. They are all walking around with their little cloud of dust following. It was like a 1920s depression setting. Yeah, right. Exactly. Exactly.

The higher in Dorthia Lang or. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. This movie, this scene ends with someone giving their breast milk to a starving man. Yes. I made it when my car breaks down in the dust bowl. It's the world. Yeah.

No, that was the, yeah, okay. So and as he's on the phone, he's looking around at all the homeless people feeling about it. He notices that the picture of Jesus is crooked. So he straightens it up and we have this incredibly slow, long pan over the picture of Jesus in case you didn't get who the focus of that picture was. But here's what's interesting about that picture. In the picture, Jesus is sort of,

I guess he's supposed to be ministering to the homeless or whatever, but he's lifting up a shelter that some homeless person has created for themselves. And bothering a homeless guy. It's like literally the look on the guy's face is like, hey, do you mind? Like, can you do it?

This is, I'm sleeping here. Come on, man. I'm not going to move. That painting is actually, I looked it up. That painting is called Jesus breaks up a tent city. It's actually really, really, really. It's actually really, really, really, really. It's by the guy who does the Trump paintings.

I love the bit too, where Mr. Perkins comes up to him afterwards. He's like, Hey, do you want some of the homeless people's food that was donated? I mean, you know, you don't need it, but neither they. I mean, I don't have AIDS or something anyway. Yeah, I was in food and the guy's like, um, yeah, no, that's okay. It's I wanted him to say yes. Oh, yeah, actually I'm starving.

And there's a bunch in a way in front of the Dickensian kid. Have you had this? This is actually pretty good. I mean, I'm probably gonna just like take half home and I'll throw it out if I don't eat it, but you know what I'm saying, right? Or we just orders. You're like, yeah, um, do you have a full lay? Yeah.

I get this more on a medium well. Um, so, and there's also this great passive aggressive moment for Mr. Perkins, right? Cause dad goes like, Hey, man man i'm sorry about the other day and mr. perkins has anti-quote don't be people can change uh... what a dick thing to say right he's like i was offered a change i'm just sorry you heard me call you a dick ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha saying, yeah, you are an asshole, but maybe you'll get better someday. Yeah. Right.

Who knows? Where do things have happened? As far as Mr. Perkins knows, this is someone who offered to make a donation to his shelter and didn't have the money. The instant he showed up in his office, uninvited. And he thought, yeah, you know, the Lord will forgive you. Yeah. No, I was just apologizing because like, you know, I'd run out of checks, you dick.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess that, I guess that donation is permanently lost in our accounting now. I'm sorry. Yeah. Right. Jerk. So okay.

But now we cut back out of that flashback and Mr. Perkins is showing up. but this time dad's ready for him with a whole bunch of food and a great big check. And a big envelope of cash. Yeah, exactly. And what's amazing is that what he shows up to, he's like, hey, come with me, I got a thing to show you. And there's this big, there's a truck and they're loading shit onto a truck. This guy works at a printing shop. What the fuck does a printing shop have that they can load into a truck and take to a homeless shelter?

Cuts back to the little Dickensian kid. He's like, hmm, die soup. Russian blue, my favorite. I think we can make clothes out of these posters. All right. So now we get another flashback with no warning whatsoever. We are cutting to two girls presenting their amway pitch for Jesus to the family. Oh, my God.

I love this so much. So one of the girls goes, as I saying, some things have thing, Jesus Christ. And then the other one who is obviously not the strong thinker of the two holds up a picture of Jesus. Yes, yes, you're said, because they have a visual aid for Jesus Christ. I'd like to point out as a former Mormon missionary that yes, you actually do have to hold a picture up. What? This is a set thing.

Yeah, it's the discussion. So one person waits, so when you go in, you're like, okay, this time I get to hold a book of Mormon, you hold the Jesus picture. Yeah, you work it out between yourselves. You know, like you have, you take this paragraph, I'll take that paragraph, but you have the whole thing memorized, right?

And it's you're supposed to pretty much just say what's in a pre-set speed. It's amazing. And this girl could not more awkwardly have vanna whited this picture of Jesus. It was clearly like in her lap and she had adjusted her hands down in her lap till they were exactly where she wanted them. And then she just slowly raises it up with the fabulous prize. It really. So that leads me to a very important question.

Frank, how did you unveil the Jesus power trick? Did you do like sort of like a slow rise and then surprise is Jesus? I was like, no, I'm confident this is Jesus the whole time. Did you have a technique? Did you get better at it? Look at surprise. Oh, they call like, Oh, who's this? This?

Everyone? Little flare juggling in there, start balancing it. Can I, can I please, I was going to throw to you. That's what this was going to be because we need the Frank perspective on these Mormon sister missionaries. Well, I feel like that somebody needs to point out the bangs. Okay. Their bangs are what proved to me that they actually were Mormon.

Oh, because those were some serious like, yeah, claw bangs. Let me do something. Bangs can be 90s, but these bangs are Mormon 90s. There's something more to it than that. And I also, I love this line that one of the missionaries, she says, we've been reading from the book of Mormon. It's like a companion book for the Bible. And we'd like to read a passage from the Bible.

I'm like, why bring up the book of Mormon then? They already know what the Bible. Like that is just such an admission with that like, well, we can't get two sentences out of this book without it being obviously bullshit and terrible. So the Bible and Eli, what verse was it that we got to get from the Bible? John 316. Hey, will you read the part of the Bible that literally everyone knows and is on the bottom of fucking forever 21 bang Surprise Oh my god, it's so fucking stupid and then and then there's this great moment where they like and this is another thing Frank can confirm this What you do it and this is sales 101. You have the already sold person

Who's introduced the family there at the meeting to confirm so that so the blonde girl who slut shamed the other girl Into into taking the missionary lessons is there and these two Mormon mission these girls with their bangs of righteousness Do a throw to her. Yes. They make a bunch of random Christian sentiments that don't actually mean anything. And then they literally say, how do you feel about that? Member who is trying to trick this family into joining this nonsense. And she's like, I believe it with all my heart. They're actually instructions in the discussions, right? Like, say, bear your testimony about this kind of thing now,

right? And so like, it ask a question, they're called it building a relationship of trust. And so they would, you're supposed to like, ask personal called it building a relationship of trust. And so they would like you're supposed to like ask personal questions at this point in the discussion so that the person feels like you're vested in them and fake sincerity here. Yeah, that's exactly. It's yeah, it's mind boggling. Yep. Yeah, no, it's an amway pitch for Jesus. It's exactly an amway pitch for Jesus. This is where amway got the idea.

And she also, by the way, this member, the blonde girl, first of all, I'm convinced that she is just trying to manipulate Jody into into a lesbian relationship. Like the entire thing she just keeps. So there's this moment where she's like, well, you know, despite what Jody might think, I'm actually a good person and blah, blah, blah.

Like she's negging Jody. Yeah. Totally negging her. So, okay. So we, we route that flashback up, I guess. And meanwhile, Bala from the beginning, he's still running home with his basketball and his magical transforming, roar shark test of a sweat stain. And he, a bike a thon racers past him so he can have another dead little sister flashback.

He's like, huh, bikes. I remember when my sister died. And by the way, can we point out that they, they cut from there to the funeral and the emotion that everyone at this funeral displaying is disappointment, right? Just like, oh, this is just wrecking my Monday. This is crazy. This is crazy. Ways are mysterious as fuck. Well, first of all, I want to point out, like we see the aftermath of the bike accident that this little girl has.

And why was she riding her bike at two in the morning? Well, on a freeway. And how does literally everyone in the film witness this little girl die except Dan? Yeah. Yeah. All the entire cast is. Even the Mormon missionaries are going, are they're going like, Oh, this is going to score score. But now I feel like we understand the other dad's hesitation didn't getting his daughter a bike. Like, it's right. Right. They're all connected. They saw this film. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was the prequel. Wait, I'm going to, I am going to point out that at the funeral, mom wore her darkest floral dress. We did get to see that. A really somber floral floristist. Those were sad flowers, not happy flowers.

All right, so then we got back to the Mormon missionaries and this is the part where they're promising like the whole eternal marriage thing. Feel like you don't want to lead with that. I feel like that doesn't always work out well. Family relationships don't end in death. Oh, you hear that, dear? Uh, yes, darling.

Yes, in fact, spouses can be married for all eternity. Wait, wait, sorry. What? Yes, according to Artheology, you and your soulmate are forever intertwined in marriage. Um, no! Are forever intertwined in marriage? Um... Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo No! No! Sir, if you could just... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Fox some kids. I heard. Yeah, yeah. So the message is till death to us part is for pussies. Right. Yeah, that's just not committed. And then the brothers like, of course, he's like, wait, does that mean we'll see our dead sister again? And then I guess this is the part where the Mormon girl gets to the share your personal testimony about that portion of her flow chart, right? And in their movie, her personal testimony makes no sense. She's like, yeah, um, I don't really know anything about that because on 17 and they just

Sort of brainwashed me into this pitch, but my friends kid died and she was like, whoa, but then she was like, it's cool. She's in the sky ignoring me. Oh, my God. I'm going to point out that the sun, I think, is wearing literally the same t-shirt I was wearing in the last film. I'm just going to point out. They only have the two. They just have to be referring to stripes. Well, and as a, again, as a former missionary, I want to make a little note here that we were actually instructed that grieving individuals are like the best potential converts that you can find. Where are you really? Yeah, they just admit that.

Oh, it's in the handbook, right? I'm not joking about this. They list in order the most effective people to find down to the least effective people to find. And so, yeah, so the bottom of the mystery missionaries, like, you'd be lucky to find one, maybe have a one conversation with somebody who is grieving on your whole mission. These sisters just hit Celestial Plate paydart. Like, they, they are going straight. It's the Mormon mother load, baby. Yeah. Like, wait, what, so that means that when Mormon missionaries walk into your house and you're like, I'm sorry, I recently lost a daughter. They're like, yes.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. They hear hear they literally hear that chitching sound flowing into a tub I want them to close the door and just be like Open it up again. So sorry if you're lost I just like I like to imagine that list of all of the different categories of people and at the very bottom are the voices that you're hearing now. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. And I mean, to be fair, I get it because grieving moms fuck so if you can get in there, they go, you fuck a grieving mom. You'll see it is fantastic. Oh, and this is saying do a nice thing for a grieving. Sick of being a new guy. We're with you. I do love the moment where this, this, this sister missionary goes through her whole monologue about how her friend had a daughter who died or whatever,

she is not, you know, Mormons aren't good at registering human emotions. It's like, she is trying to cry, but it's mostly coming out like she's minorly annoyed that she has to relate this story. Like it literally is of dust ejecting foring for retire docs. Yeah. And then of course, we come back out of this flashback and and more shark, the

sweat stain is still running home, but he starts running even faster now. And I wanted him to get hit by a car. That's just me, I guess yet another reason to get baptized now they're going to get baptized double. Yeah, right. Oh, and of course, now we have to also see the adventures that the girls have to go

through to get home. So damn, and if they don't get a flat tire and literally they get out of the car and one of the girls is like, how can I fix this tire? I have a vagina. Oh, several times they're like, oh, if only my father or brother were here. Yeah. Uh huh. I just love them.

And then the other girl, the blonde girl, is like, this is the final test, which, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no here. Every time there's a baptism, Mormons, like a convert baptism, Mormons see the Lord testing the convert in the most trivial ways. It's like, hey Jesus here, I'm gonna pop this tire so the new convert thinks twice about getting baptized. Come on Jesus, it's not like there isn't this thing called

getting baptized just a little later than Which I'm sorry you missed your window. Yeah, don't you're out you're out. Sorry if there's one thing we can tell you about Mormons they are not a punctual people There a matter of fact the joke in Utah is Mormon standard time, which is like, you know, 15 to 20 minutes behind when there's when they say they're going to show up because they've got 43 children. It's impossible to get there on time. Right. Right. No. Clearly, I do want to point out that the final tell when she said this is the final test, I was pretty sure that what she meant was that once you change this tire, you will be a lesbian with me now. She stands up, she's got one side of her head shaved

and she's wearing a plaid shirt. What happened? I know. I guess. So, okay, and then we get, and keep in mind, like how little this movie has to say that they have to throw in this tire chain, it's not like, it's not like something happens here, right?

They just put the spare on. And while they're doing that, just to give the scene a little bit more flavor, I guess they have this like, gee, remember that boyfriend? I never fucked. He sure still does date me. Yeah, a little conversation. I just feel it's really nice to know

that we're only doing anal. Yeah. Hahaha. She even says, she's like, I used to think that following your rules and not being allowed to do things would give me fewer choices, but now I realize it's the opposite. Like no, that's that is impossible to be true. That can't you anyway. Yeah. Basically, she said, boy, sure was hard thinking for myself. Glad I put that behind me. All right. So Bolligan's home. He has to run upstairs for sure. But first he has to hug his mom, right? Because he's almost Mormon now. Right. Would

he apparently never did before? No, no, because he was an asshole back then. She is baffled that her son loves her in that moment. So, okay, so he heads in. He has to check in on dead sister's room. And then we have to have another flashback to dead little sister where apparently she gave him that basketball. And then he gives it back. I wanted a montage of her checking him really hard. Guard the box asshole. Okay, here, have this dirty basketball in your bed. Oh my God. And that room is impossibly pink. It's like they were like, how do we make this look like a little girl's room? No more, no more, more. If it doesn't look like the interior of a vagina, we're not done yet.

Right. All right. So now Siskitt's home, she can get ready for the baptism. And dad pulls up right then too. And God damn it. If we don't have another fucking flashback to that one time when they were all having a hose fight, well, dressed in matching yellow. Okay. Question. Why do all Mormons dress in the same color as a family? Two, is that actually not supposed to be porn? Everyone's spraying each other with hoses.

Oh my God, it's so funny because his dad pulls up, she turns around and suddenly you get this bra, steel string guitar, which to my mind is like, oh, we're in a biker bar and sexy person's gonna come out or whatever. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. I mean, musical note dad gets a boner, right?

It's just like, we are. And then smash cut to the car wash scene in cool hand Luke times three. It's the weirdest shit. And also just in case this scene was in danger of making sense, they have a whole bit with the mom and the two daughters are out there washing the car and getting each other wet and having a little water fight. Dad comes out all pissed off, but he's not really pissed off. He was hiding a camera behind his back so that he could film them, but as a sprite, what the fuck is going on here? And he comes out and he yells at them and you know, we don't hear what he's yelling,

but it's like, fuck you out. How dare you get wet! Yeah, why would he be mad? And then he pulls out the camera and then they all spray him, which if you know 90's technology, that camera did not survive. No. I was like, damn, this family's rich. They don't even care. They don't give you $1,000 video camera. And I love to.

So we get out of that flashback. The daughter comes in and she's like, Mom, you wouldn't believe what happened to us. We got a flat tire. And the mom's like, why would I? Why would that be hard to believe? That's just one of those. It's it's almost too mundane for you to mention. Also, can I point out that the mom's hair is in big rollers? Yeah. Sure. That's fine. but you're going to be baptized by immersion. Why the fuck are you doing your hair at all? You're about to go under. I told her yet.

I wanted to be freezing it and that hydro stuff they put on sneakers so that the water just all magnifies on it. She comes up in perfect curls, not today water. Not today. Oh, and then she has to turn to dad. his own that she comes up in perfect curls, not today water, not today. Oh, and then she has to turn to dad. And she's like, I don't know what's going on with your son. He embraced me as though I was his mother.

You know, yeah, oh, and that leads us to the fucking flashback of all flashbacks. Back with Scott was a young, unmormonized, who'll again? Yeah. He was addicted to video games, he was addicted to video games, guys addicted to video games. We don't even know that much. Basically, we tell him he was just in an arcade once.

His dad, like literally it's raining outside. His dad is soaked to the bone, looks in the window like a street urchin looking at food. Like this scene is supposed to be. It's like the Amormon equivalent of the dad braving his way into a crack house to put his son out or whatever.

Like I will. I will. I will. He's the boy. Yes. Stay out playing dickhead. You're not my son. Yes. I love it. You're not my son. Yes. I love it.

I haven't mind those. I'm like, wait, is, is playing Street Fighter Mormon for rebellious teen because at 16 I was free basing cocaine. It is, they are doing so much to try to shoot this like a crack then. Like you've got people just like oh Getting another diet cool No, this scene really did it for me when I was 16. I was like damn look at that bad boy playing video game Literally, I will do on a point out. He's not kidding. He did watch this movie when he was young Yeah, I saw this one.

Amazing. Fucking amazing. So yeah, and so they have this and the kid is trying to be the bad kid, but again, it's Mormon so they can't have him go like, fuck off, dad, or something like that. He's just like, and the dad's like, get out of here. And then that's it, right? Well, then they go out to the fucking car to have the video games talk. Right.

He goes, this is literally what having us, Scotty. We have to talk. And he goes, okay, talk. And he goes, I don't know what to say. The end. Yes. Because he doesn't know Jesus yet. You see.

Mormon passive aggressiveness does not know how to write that particular competition. It's like, look, we're not men passive aggressiveness does not know how to write that particular Confrontation Oh, look, we're not allowed to use swear words. I have nothing to say All right, so now we cut back from that flashback to Scott running downstairs and His tie Flora print And it's cornflower blue with daisies on it. How the fuck is that even a thing you can buy? All I'm saying is

Mormons know how to find their florals. I guess Yeah, and they're like running out of the house and he stops his dad and he's like hey dad I was wondering now that we believe in ghosts. Do you think my sister's gonna be there like move stuff with her ghost powers and he's like Maybe why don't we just go switch? I love that moment because it was like maybe Sarah will be there and dad I'm like to my mind. It's like well if she's not son and this whole thing is bullshit Yeah, I'm waiting your time. So you fucking I hope she's there too. He's like, Hey, dad, I was thinking my dead sister is still alive and sending me messages

because religion is helping me psychologically. Jesus. Okay. So they all leave and they pull up with the church for the big day. Smallest Mormon temple I've ever seen. What the fuck is this thing? That's actually a really enormous Mormon meeting house. That is just a, okay. Well, it didn't take up an entire city block. So I was unimpressed, unimpressed, I say, wasn't made a gold or anything. Yeah. So, and I also love this one because they're the parking lot in Scott's check in

his tie in the mirror and dad walks by and goes, vanity. I'm like, oh, fuck you. You're not even Mormon yet. Yeah. Yeah. The reference to the pride video. Yeah. They're crossing the universe. It's all what, you know, it's so you can unify the universe. Yeah. No, I get it. It's just like the adventures. Yeah. So, okay. And also I find this a strange thing. Maybe you guys can film me in on this one. They're all dressed in white to get baptized. Is that so that people can see your junk once you're wet? Oh, let me tell you something. I was watching this and I they pan across this dry family all dressed in white. And I'm like, Oh, I'll bet you money. They don't show the women coming out of the water. Well, they do, but they

pan up very quickly to their heads. Yeah, full, yeah, full torso on men, which is like, you see nip on these guys. It's so see through. And with the girls, if you slow it down enough, you can, you can, he's got to be really patient and careful. By the way, PS Andrea was outraged as we were watching this

that the women got to wear dresses because she had to be baptized. They have these jumpsuit things that they put us all in. He's like polyester nasty jumpsuits that we all get baptized. And I will testify that you see it. They are clingy. Yeah. This is like, like, I'm surprised Mormons.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Mormons regularly go and like, like, have to masturbate after every baptism because she gets clinging. So, well, I had to masturbate after this one. I'll give it to him. I'll give it to him. It did it for me. And by the way, this family could not be more stoked to be wet in front of a crowd of

people like they are impossibly beaming and smiling constant throughout this scene. It's insane. So then we cut back to the little sister's room. The main character looks at the picture. He goes, we're on our way, Sarah. In fact, I'm pretty much over your death now, like, I just like, here's the thing. Eli, you had a different take on that line because the kid mumbled so badly Like it's the last it is the closing line of the whole film. It's the most important line. It's summing it all up I thought he said run away Sarah run away Worked out you some candles Sarah

We're gonna do some creepy shit to ghosts now that we're more. Yeah. By the way, by the way, with this final scene, the sun completes the entire family, they have all now been in denim on denim at some point. Oh, and they end. He actually makes a free throw at the end of this in what looks like a single take. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what looks, yeah, it's all in one mo in one.

Well, it is, yeah, no, it is in a single take. It was like 50 takes, but yeah, but this is the single one that they used. Yeah. All right. Well, I think the important thing here, the be important takeaway for all of us as we wrap up the third one is that, uh, hey, Dan has Mormon movie connections. So when we sucker the LDS into financing our Mormon education video, what will the moral be?

Any suggestions? I'm just going to say none of them have had a moral yet. I don't know why we would have to have one for our film. Um, oh, if you want daddy to buy you something fitting your whole ice cream cone in your mouth is a good place. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh. Frank, Dan, you made it to the finish line. Congratulations. But if our listeners aren't quite finished with you yet, where can they go to hear more? Well, thank God I'm atheist is the podcast. It's on all of the, it's on the iTunes and the Stitcher and all the pod blasters that you might be looking for.

We even have a YouTube channel, which is YouTube.com slash TGIA. And you can join us there. We're actually this week's discussion. We're going to sort of be talking a little bit about internal propaganda with within churches because watching these movies has given us all PTSD. Well, I really appreciate you guys getting your PTSD with us. We wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I, people tell me that all the time about their PTSD. And while that's going to do it for our review of Dan's home movies, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to entice you back next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Gods army to states of grace.

I'll hell yeah, been looking forward to that one for a long time. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring you episode 147 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Frank and Dan for hanging out with us today. And an even huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So I've got awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to tell them by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides citation aides and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies at gmail.com, legal services for the spotcaster provided by the offices of P. Andrew Torres, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slott, N. Gaville, and we were drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was

used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Eli Bosnick and Frank at Dan. I'm no illusions promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. If any ex-mormons are interested in earning a bike, reach out to me at Eli Bosnick. Nope. 6-0-

Dan went on to study acting in college and is now much better at it. I fucking promise. He's just... Ha! In terms of acting skills, Dan really only had one direction to go. And Judy discovers the CES letter and leaves the church.

He comes addicted to math and starts waiting tables overnight at waffles house which is good because otherwise he was going to wind up a more and i tried my best and i think i'm pretty sure uh... you're going to be saying that an awful lot during this record. That's right.

Oh, God. Oh, I want to be appreciated for the gift that I'm giving you people. Oh, my God. Dude, this was so much fun. Oh, great. All right. Can computers be in cells?

I don't think they can not be in cellular phones. Oh boy. Shit. Shit, tits. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2018. All rights reserved. C Copyright 2018 all rights reserved.