God Awful Movies - 148: GAM148 Are you the One?

Episode Date: June 19, 2018

This week, we team up for an atheist review of "Are you the One?", a Mormon short film about a couple that hate each other with every fiber of their being and thus consider not getting married. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And then we cut to straight off the lines of try each other's hobbies we cut to her dance class. And I wanted him so badly to come out there in a leotard and be like, oh my god, me too. Maybe we could do some mini golf or something like this. Yeah, that does not go. I did that once. Went real bad really hurt myself super super bad Girlfriend had to quit the class out of embarrassment

He couldn't go back either OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Heath, welcome back. Nice Noah. You know what I've been craving since yesterday? What's that? Peanut butter and fluff sandwich. I'm not sure why. They're really. I think I know why. And sitting 81 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Heath, I would not go near the jar that's labeled marshmallow.

I don't want to get into it, but you don't go near any of the jars you label anything. Good. Smart. Yeah. Smart. Yeah. Good, heuristic. Okay. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched are you the one choosing a mate? It's a Mormon instructional video about how to get married properly with an interesting twist. And that twist would be the family style bucacke porn, which happens almost immediately. We'll get there. Yeah, no, it does not make you wait. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love wholesome Mormon entertainment, but you wish it was about how your vagina follows the same rules as Arthurian weaponry. You.

You love this movie. I don't know because I didn't love this movie, but I feel like based on your description that I should. I should love the movie. Right, right. All right. Well, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one? For me, the best, to be the worst at. Right. All right. Well, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah. Two things. First of all,

just reiterate best worst unexpected com shot. Now you can expect it though. I'll just leave that for now. And keep in mind how many videos with an unexpected com shot he's seen. We're not fucking around here. We're not fucking around here. A massive research on this. And I can tell you from a place of experience. Yes. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here.

I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here.

I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. I have to fuck it around here. believe me, I get it. It's hilarious when we fall down, but this was created. It was like

Dennis Hopper had a bomb on the bus and if a fat person didn't fall down in a funny way every 10 minutes, the bus was going to explode. Oh, God, that would have been such a better movie. Oh, so good. So I was going to go with best worst argument topics. So this whole movie is about this couple that shouldn't get married and so they have arguments constantly, but it's a Mormon movie so I can't be like a real argument, right? It can't be like, stop giving me chlamydia, dammit. So they air on the side of so anodinates ass and I. Yes, and they can't even get all the way mad.

So when they do talk about things that matter like children and whether or not women should be able to vote, it's just like, okay, if you didn't like the movie, we don't have to go see comic book movies anymore. I didn't say I didn't like it. I said, I didn't get it. Do you want to vote or not? I don't understand what's going. And then of course, for me, it's the way I pitched this movie to know and he's gonna go with best best best best Sassy best friend Really you're putting her all the way at the top because we got a lot of sassy best friends These Mormons founded you everybody they found someone walked into a room and was like we got a Jew There was high-fiving

was like, we got a Jew. There was high five in the whole thing. It was like being around Mark and Dan. It was very there. It was like, yeah, found one. Will you show us your horn? Yeah. You're all funny, right? You're going to be the, you're going to be the comic one. Okay. I have the horns, I guess, answers my question. I was going to ask what makes you think she was Jewish, but yeah, what made you think Esther was Jewish? Yeah, it's subtle. It's not a big of a find out. Also, I just wanted to circle back.

What are the rules of Arthurian weaponry that would also apply to the giant situation? Just one person, just one and it's a magic. They just reach in and up. Perfect. Also, something about pulling out. I wasn't getting in a Mormon girl. It's like a fucking baby's fist. Unmoistened bent. Yeah. All right. Well, we've got remarkably little to get to this week. So I guess we can take our fucking time and when we come back

we'll break down all the Aquinet motorcycle helmets that are... Are you the one? Trying to fuck the top of an apple. Hi, welcome to Typical Sexual Wellness story. You looking for anything today? Uh, yeah, yeah, I was hoping for some, uh, no, help. Oh, hell, have you tried the ass blaster 9,000? The whole thing just goes right into your, no, no, uh, I meant help with like, you know, mail, fuse. Oh, hell. Have you tried four hymns.com? Oh, what's four hymns.com?

Oh, it's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men. hymns connects you with real doctors and medical grade solutions. That sounds good. Do you guys have anything like that? No, no. See, I'm a retail worker making eight dollars an hour and most of our products are poorly

made plastic meant to straddle the line between sex toy for people who don't know better and gag gift for bachelor parties. So, oh, well, that sounds bad. But what about these pills here at the counter? Would that be helpful, maybe? Oh, well, that sounds bad, but what about these pills here at the counter? Would that be helpful? Maybe. Oh, these, yeah, these are uncontrolled pseudocyan that cost us pennies to buy. I mean, at best, they're caffeine and it works.

Wow. Wow. Okay. You'd think a place like this, be a little more careful about what they sell. Right. A big deal. Taboo industries. But if it makes you feel better, fourhims.com offers well-known

generic equivalents to name brand prescriptions, plus they'll ship right to your door. Wow. So I don't have to come to this strip mall just outside of town with this place here, an insurance agent, and for some reason also a Chinese restaurant at all. I could just from home do it. You did not have to do that. You did not. Okay. Well, you definitely sold me. How do I try four hymns? Well, listeners get a trial of four hymns for just $5 today right now, while supplies

last. See website for full details. This would cost hundreds if you went to a doctor or pharmacy. Go to four hymns.com slash gam. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S. .com slash GAM. Four hymns.com slash GAM. Great. Thanks.

I'm now incredibly uncomfortable, as you can imagine. So I'm going to walk around in a circle and then eventually buy a porn magazine that I will go ahead and throw out at home because the internet works. Right. Right. Great.

I'm going to make the experience exponentially worse by like staring at you the whole time while you do. Oh. Yummy. Yep. Not to give away everything too soon, but it turns out that the moral of this movie is you shouldn't marry someone if you hate them with a fiery rage of a dying star. And upon realizing that Mormons just don't know that intuitively, we thought we'd offer any

Mormons that might be listening along a few important Mormon life lessons. Okay, lesson number one, if your Acme dynamite doesn't go off by chance when you hit the plunger, you're going to be tempted to walk over and check it. But think about just waiting a minute. It's often, it's often going to blow up within that first minute. Lesson two, eating a pair of glasses does not make you see better. It does not. It's very important.

One here, stop drop and roll is intended as a way of putting out a fire on yourself and should not be used to put out other kinds of fires. Mm. Indeed. Okay. This is a good one for, you know, when you're out in public there, Mormon missionaries, don't read your book to black people that you just met. And when they get mad and yell, what? It's not because they didn't hear you and they need you to repeat yourself.

So don't do that. Quick tip. There is no appropriate trash bag for your dead wife. They're gonna rip right through. If your legs don't seem to fit in your pants, make sure they're pants. If the water level in the toilet starts rising, it's not because you haven't pressed the flusher

enough times yet. Also not because you didn't shit enough and it's not enough shit to weigh it down into the bottom of the toilet. That's not the problem either. It's a common mistake. If she smokes, she pokes. And finally, when you're inating, it's helpful to hold your penis from the side rather than the front. These have been important Mormon life lessons. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off with a familiar disclaimer. The movie comes up and it says, and it's got this written out, but it also says somebody

read it to us. So just in case it says, the following film was produced by Brigham Young University during the 1960s for distribution to both church and non church groups. Although the general principles are valid, the presentation does not represent all church areas of emphasis. We also think black people are evil. Exactly. Disclaimer, we made this for both Mormon churches and non-Mormon churches, and the regressive leftists over at the fucking Southern Baptist convention made us cut the N words. Those were not the people who made them cut the N word. Okay.

Three second rule. Still good. Still good. The blowing on the film. Yeah, but the important takeaway here is that the church of Latter-day Saints is about a lot more than girls getting dumped guys. It's not just that. All right.

So then we get the movie started properly and it starts with really bad music. I kind of enjoyed it, but yeah, it's really bad. My music note was like, I bet from inside the Xanax, this sounds really good. Yeah, my music note was, don't move from the ice bath. We took your left kidney now sing the song right now. And it's so it's so bad. It's it's so on the nose. It's just like,

are you the one? Is songs about the title? I want is the title. We're starting now. So and so while we've got that musical, we've got this couple and they're walking through the woods and the credits are rolling. And I just had one quick note on the credits. At one point it comes up and it says, educational consultants. Three PhDs were involved in the making of this. It took three separate PhDs, including one with

a douche initial before his name to make this move. Awesome. This movie was produced by Wetzel O'Whittaker. Yep. Wetzel O'Whittaker. I miss those names. Yeah. Yep. I miss Wetzel O'Whittaker. This is not the first Wetzel O'Whittaker movie that we've done. Like he makes racist pretzels. All right, so we've got a couple where they're gathering up sticks in the woods and they're all flirty and many kissesers, though he was trying to extract something from our doggone. Oh my God. What the fuck was wrong with it? He latches onto her face like a like a gross swing top bottle

with like multiple redundant seals with like a submarine hatch. Turns a crank wheel at one point. Like the air block release noise. It's crazy. This kiss was far more secure than the challenge. Yeah, but clearly, clearly. And she pushes them away, right? Because she needs

to breathe and is dying. But he's like, oh, that kiss was almost three seconds. I don't want to get pregnant. Yeah. Little racy for a Mormon movie right off the bat. I thought you wanted to get some kindling. Yeah, you, okay, you keep saying it all weird like that. Get some kindling. I should have corrected you earlier. That's not, that's nothing. That's not you. We actually just need literally need sticks. All right. So we cut back to their campsite. And apparently this couple is out camping with a married couple in their kids, which sounds like a great date. The best time. And when we first got to it, okay, so they got the two kids throwing rocks into the water.

But angrily. Like they're trying to kill an army of approaching ducks before it's too late. Like I guarantee you they kept telling us, you know, just chuck some rocks. No, like you're enjoying your, Jesus, kids, you've never thrown rocks on a fucking pond. No, they have not because one of them tried to skip a large tree branch at one point. Hey, buddy, see how I'm doing like flat rocks and you did something entirely different. What's flatter than paper and what's made of paper? Tree. No. Fucking stupid kid just throws himself

into the water belly flop, tries to spin around. I didn't skip my tummy hurts. I was gonna lie down here in the bottle. I'm a skipping. Am I skipping? No, no man. I have a theory about this. I think these kids like did the first couple of takes

and skipped some stones and then they ran out of good skipping rocks. Got all pissed off because they're on tank. I'm just like, what, this is a fucking, I have a bolder fight. There. Oh, I did a great one. I got a 12 earlier. You such as, look like an idiot. So the, so we get that little bucolic scene and then the fucking couple gets back to the

campsite. And before they like actually emerge from the woods, they say like they see the the Mary couple when they're all like kissing a neck and they're like, wow, 12 years of marriage, they still make out all a shocks. You know, there's the guy that little in front of their kids. Yeah. Also, we see their camp situation. And it's pretty insane. No, like, have you guys, like they packed literally this balanced breakfast? Okay. I'm not going to just lay it out like exact amounts of cereal and orange juice just laid.

It's really weird. Also, was there not a 10 gallon drum of propane? I feel like there was a 10 gallon drum of propane or a Lego head. But they're going to make build a giant robot. I don't know. They brought some industrial waste for dumping. It's the 60s. I get it. Yeah.

No, that's sure there was a river there. And also can we. Okay. So every single woman in this movie will have basically an astronaut helmet for hair. It the hair in this movie is amazing. It's like someone made the Lego movie in the 1950s, but it was a horror movie. It's phenomenal.

All right. So the, the, the fucking couple from before they come up to the married couple and by the fucking couple, the main characters, their names are Marilyn and Doug. It'll reveal that, you know, three minutes before it's over. But now we know. So Marilyn and Doug show up and they're like, ah, shucks, you guys sure are in love. And like, well, we really appreciate you coming camping with our family. Like we somehow had nothing better to do, I guess. Yeah. Well, and there's a weird thing. We're going to get, but apparently, Doug lives with these people, lived with them.

I'm sure our Mormon listeners are gonna be like, oh no, that's part of Kukumaru when you're taken by a young family. And the man shows you how your penis hardens on the first full moon. I didn't realize that was weird until I was 43 years old. The dog is connected to these people in some way. Yeah, you know how you're 55 and you start going to college and you rent a very small bed from another 55 year old couple. It's like that.

You guys don't. Okay. It's just the Mormons have that. Okay. Yeah, and it's important that we emphasize that too. These people are very clearly at least in their mid 30s. Yeah, but they are, I got to say weirdly, weirdly attractive. Apparently, everybody was made of circles in 1936, because it's all circle. Like, I want to have a nice

wholesome orgy with all of them and then like buy some reasonable pants together. Like, they just hold it in my beautiful. with all of them and then like buy some reasonable pants together. They're just holding them like that. Orgy would be off. They would just like, they'd remember all the blankets, all they'd make no orgy mistakes. They'd remember to black out the windows. You just be like, every room you walked in, you'd be like, ah, people are fucking in here and what a neat idea. And he's out.

Look at that. That is messy. Are those popcorn balls? I love it here. Mormons have the best orgies. I love this little line here with a husband of the Mary couple. He's like, uh, well, you know, we're sure happy. But we like to demonstrate the joy of family life as often as possible. He's made him go like later tonight. I'll be performing Kahnelingas very quietly. If you want to stop by. He's like, he's made him go like later tonight. I'll be performing Cunnelingas very quietly. If you want to stop by.

He's like, I'm a family's the best. I'm not even slightly trapped by the sea. See, I'm patting my head and blinking violently. It's joke. Don't rescue me. I'm saying the best. So best never get tired of her. Nope.

Marshmallow fight. All right. And here it is. And it's time for the money shot. You need a butterfly sandwich, I get it now. All right. So, okay, so here's how this plays out in the movie. The kids is, oh no, my marshmallow is on fire and the mom picks it up and stuffs it in the dad's mouth.

And then he gives her a kiss while he, he still got the marshmallow on his in his mouth and leaves melted marshmallow all over her face. And then you see the amount of melted marshmallow. Look, I know the Commandians on God awful movies. They take everything and turn it sexual. There is no, if you were watching this with your grandmother, you'd be like, Grandma, that said, should be like, come shot. I'm sorry, Nicholas. Here's how bad it is.

Okay. First of all, as soon as I saw this, I screen capped it. I put it on Facebook and I said, Eli, are you sure this is a Mormon movie? What's that? And I thought, I should make this the image for the movie, but we'd get kicked off of iTunes if we did. Right. There's no way to look at this and not assume that woman just got sprayed. Oh, and it's not like he kisses her mouth, but then they show face and there's like come

in her ear and like find her everywhere. It's all over the place. Actually, as you can see, I, I paced a screenshot of this moment into the notes for you guys. You did. And also a moment from a Serbian film in which you guys are staring at each other, one with an executioner's mask as you can see, both fucking a baby just out of frame in case you haven't seen that movie. Little confused about why you had a Serbian film so quick to hand. He, um, I, I, if I hit control X on any of my devices, a Serbian film, which goes exactly. Yeah. Um, that's, that's what happens. So which is more overtly sexual to you guys

in the past. If you had to pick one, I can, I can much more easily come up with a nonsexual reason for that second scene to be happening. Yeah. No, I get that. And by the way, the money shot ends with like a Scooby-Doo laugh track moment. Oh, it's the best. More come shots need to end with a family of campers laughing for 30 seconds and then a sitcom freeze frame.

I've always said that about come shots. Yeah. I wanted the dad just be like, all right, we're out in a lot. No, spit it in the girls mouth. I need this. We actually have snowballs. The popcorn ball.

All right, so now, Marilyn and Doug get back to, I guess her place, I don't know, and they have their first of many arguments. And again, they can't argue about anything really. So they have to, like, first of all, they have to get there in a ridiculous way and then they have to be in a ridiculous way and then they have to leave in a ridiculous way. Yeah. The argument starts as your parents aren't the picnicking type and she practically maces him.

She's like, you take that back. Yeah. Out of the pinch. Yeah. But then since he made fun of her parents, he's got, she's got to make fun of his parents and say that her dad sounds like Queen Victoria. Wait. So yeah, what?

Okay. Let's talk about this. What the fuck did that mean? What, first of all, what did Queen Victoria sound like? Yeah, right? In 1901. So I don't know how like a British Nazi, yet, German accent, I think. I don't know.

Yeah, your dad sounds like a German or a British Nazi. Okay. I do want to say though, I like these passive aggressive fights and I think, I don't know. Yeah, your dad sounds like a German nuts or a British nuts, yeah, okay. I do want to say though, I like these passive aggressive fights and I want in. Keith, welcome back. How was your vacation? You get a nice break from sitting in a room thinking about words you might write down, you get a nice, oh yeah, no, I did. I did.

I was at my college reunion. It's this little thing people do when they made friends in college. You would, I'll explain it later. It's it's all. Okay. No, I guess, I guess I, I guess I wouldn't get that, uh, I suppose I'll have to ask my wife about it. You know, that woman I'm married to, uh, that loves me. That's, uh, another person. Well, you know, till death, the apart, it's not a huge commitment with some people. Guys, okay. What, what, what are you doing? We're supposed to record the doodly do about passive aggressive arguments. Oh, right, right. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

You're fat. Yeah, that's just before we record, though, that's just every fucking time. You're fat. Yeah. So they finish, they have this weird again extreme escalation fight. And then he's just like, you want a fuck and she's like, sure, sure. I guess that's one way to end this scene. Yeah. Well, of course, they don't thought because it's

it's Mormon. But yeah. And now we meet the star of the show, the sassy friend, Esther. Esther. Um, and hey, really easy way to picture Esther, uh, me in a motorcycle helmet. There you go. I did it. It's just me. Danny DeVito's twin sister is in this movie. Yeah. I'm pretty exciting.

Yeah. And by the way, so Esther is is Maryland's roommate and they work together. And I'm telling you that because I don't want you to be in the same position of, you know, do these two friends just get together to have cornflakes that I was in when this scene began? Yeah. Okay. Question. Do Mormons normally assign their women like a Jewish squire troll to get them to work on time be there. That's why they've all been so nice to me. They're hoping for a squire troll.

You will be fun to have around. I mean, I have fun to have. Could you try on this gestures outfit real quick? I don't want to not be prepared. So then we have, okay, so apparently Esther is divorced. Now the two of them are going to have a conversation. Yeah, right. They're going to have a conversation that's going to move

from scene to scene. And what they're going for is just like, they're on their way to work talking, but the conversation clearly stops on one word and then moves to a different video and picks up on that exact word. Like they're just pausing for eight minutes during their conversation here and there.

Yeah, just so much teleportation mid-sens and I really wanted to see this whole conversation but without the cuts, just like half a sense, like, hey, you wanna walk in silence for an hour and then I'll fire up for us. That's it. Okay, what if we have a Zazel teleport us? We have no, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we'll do the Zazel thing.

Cool. So what I was saying, she's really okay. I'm going to work. Damn it. By the way, one of these cuts is the bus where the bus driver is very clearly trying to make fat Esther fall over. And all I wanted to do was see the outside of this bus, just him smashing into stuff. He's been in the bus.

Oh, oh, he's trying to knock an 80s action hero off of it or something. Yeah. Um, yeah, but the conversation they're having, of course, is Esther trying to figure out where her and her husband went went wrong right and Apparently that was like just they were not supposed to get married to each other Yeah, they didn't like each other or have anything in common and she has this very intense moment for a Mormon film where she's like Are you asking did Bill make my pussy wet? Yeah?

She's like, are you asking did Bill make my pussy wet? Yeah. So honey, that shit lasts maybe a year. And I have to admit, this is the first piece of good advice we've ever gotten in a Christian movie. I've wrote my notes. I mean, you can probably fuck for about two years. And then one of you's full and you have to be like, so what are you into? And the other person says motorcycles or whatever.

And then you break up. It's the whole thing. You just got a, you got two years, that's all I'm saying. Talk about shit now. Get the air. Did Anna convince you that she just gets full if you fuck her off and enough? Like a dishwasher?

Is that, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Guys, I need a break. I need to take a break. Dude, take a break. It will be back.

Will, will he lie to Vores's wife? I need to take a break. Take a break. We'll be back. We'll rely on divorcees wife. She's been lying about how full women. I'm going to. I mean, tweet me. Do you get full like a water bullet? I told you need to wait for it to usmosis. Okay.

Time for some honest advice for Heath, just us here. How fast does the sex get boring? Eli says, two years is that real? Is married? Is that for real? Oh, sex with me has always been boring. I'm pedantic. I would enjoy that.

I would like to get corrected on grammar during sex. I would find that attractive. He's actually our God. Is he just a our God. You don't have your own personal. It's more unique. Your penis is, it is, but that's exactly what's said more that's stupid. It's like a roller coaster. You know when you're on a roller coaster for a while and the first little minute, you're like, ah, ah, but then there's a moment where your body gets used to it and you're just like, okay, I'm, I'm all done with this roller coaster now. It's like that, but forever. That's what

roll of fucking Elias. It's like a roll. Oh, that's a great description of how I fuck. A roller coaster that never ends up here for gets boring. Yeah. I definitely enjoyed Esther's explanation of this though. Like she's like, yeah, I loved love the dick, but got old real real fast. You ever try to fuck a soft erection? Have you guys heard of this? So I'm trying to get the drawstring through the hoodie, you know, back through the roof and your hoodie. I was just weird.

And since she got a cinch it and push it and cinch it and then push it. Zostak. Oh God, I want to watch Esther cinch it and push it and cinch it and push it. Esther's excellent. All right. So and then yeah, but the clear implication of of Esther's conversation here is that they fucked like rabbits for a while, but once the fucking was over, it was like, God, I hate you.

Right? And let's be fair, we do all know that relationship, right? We all do know the couple who like sat in the booth right next to each other at Applebee's the first six months of their relationships with her licking his neck. And then you, and then eight months in, he's just like, so I bought a boat now because she doesn't like the water. I like to think about it drowning when I'm deep enough out there. And you're just like, hey, gonna slow it distance myself from you. All right. So, and so you're saying, do not get married.

You're telling that's the message I'm getting from this movie and from you guys, wink. You don't get married for the sex. Yeah. No telling that's the message I'm getting from this movie and from you guys, wink. You don't get married for the sex. Yeah, no, that's probably not a great idea. I can hear Eli blinking. Just kidding, Anna. Just kidding. I know you guys are in love.

All right. So now we, we very cleverly transitioned to the dance that night in which no one will dance. Right? I mean, she says, at the end of the last scene, she's like, Hey, how about this dress here for the dance tonight? And then we cut to her wearing that dress swaying mildly while watching the women that sung the opening theme perform live. Oh, proof me right about the Xanax. Yeah, the two haunted dolls that grew up to be a 1960 band. Yes.

And I'm sorry. No, are you saying you didn't like this? Oh, this is so much nicer than today's music where I got a twerk or crump or crick or whatever the fuck people are doing. I want to see you crump. You just got to stand around and then you left. It was the fucking bass. Oh, born in the fucking bass.

Born in the wrong era. I love that they showed the band. Like they made it diagetic because like early, like people were going to get confused about the music from the intro. We're not gonna show the fuck it. Like they did test screenings and when the intro music came on, people are just like, oh, what's that noise? The guy who ran knows finally won the argument like 10 minutes into the movie. I have a question. I'm sorry. Where did whatever happened to those girls who were lost in the woods, singing their song about their lost love?

I'd like to know what happened to them. Can we bring them back? I wanted them to ask about this in the movie, just be like, Hey, we guys do it rehearsal in the world. Oh, we're gonna be with showers. You're cool. Cool. What drugs are you on right now? It's just, Hey, just, all of them.

Related to nothing here, is it odd to use the same song twice within five minutes of a movie? Is that normal or odd to you? Jesus, okay. So then the music stops, they sit down to eat. Maybe they teleported, like, oh right, yeah, no, exactly, exactly.

That technology does exist in this universe. And they sit down to have some food and they have to start arguing again, right? Because they're on camera together. And he says, I really like your dress. And she says, thanks, I bought it today. And he's like, you should stop spending so much money on dumb shit. And she's like, what?

He's like, put yourself on a budget. And she's like, boring. That's the fucking conversation in this movie. The spark of this fight is, is there real butter in this frosting? How did, how did these people not pull out guns and shoot themselves in the head? If, my wife ever turns me If anyone ever turns to me and starts talking about whether or not there's butter in the frosting and be like oh Sorry do over. Let's hope for reincarnation

Yeah, she goes this icing has real butter in it. He gets all mad. He's like no, it's margarine idiot. Should you be voting? butter in it. He gets all mad. He's like, no, it's Marjorin idiot. Should you be voting? You fucking Marjorin. God damn it. She's like, I should not be voting. You're right. Well, yeah, again, that's literally the way we're not just making up something like insanely ass-and-eye nintrivial for them to argue about. That's really what they argue about. She's going like, I can tell it's butter and he he's like no one in the business uses butter anymore you see that's two 19th 30s it's the modern day technology we have margarine so yeah she calls him a cynic he calls her naive and I'm like what a great relationship you know what the weird part of this movie is what made either of these characters think that the relationship was going well. Right, he's six and a half second walk through the woods. So it's that.

That ended with him getting rejected, yeah. Very weird. He's like, yeah, you're being a cynic and he's like butter emails though, women are stupid. Come on. All right, agree to agree. And we are, we are. You wanna go to the zoo tomorrow?

Yeah, we're gonna be good for the moon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Abidels We are. You want to go to the zoo tomorrow? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it literally ends with, hey, I was thinking the next scene would be in a zoo. You good with that. So, so then we cut to the zoo. They're taking the kids to the rock heaving kids from the beginning to the zoo.

Oh, and can we talk about this old timey zoo? Oh, and can we talk about this old timey zoo? Oh, good. He is so depressing. It's terrifying. Just an involuntary BDSM dungeon for animals at this point in his free life. If you think zoos are bad now, they used to apparently be made of chain link fences and hot, hot concrete. Oh, yeah, the zoo looks like a refugee camp.

Like this. I thought for sure we were going to see a cage of Japanese people or something like it's fucking terrifying. Sarah Huckabee standards is just giving out tickets. This is fine. This is in the Bible biblical, in fact, in the Bible. They all fit on doing way smaller boat. You guys be intense.

There's literally a clip of a bear in the beating son just like rolling against the chain link fence. He's trapped in being like, ah, kill me. I also love that the music at this moment is London Bridge, because they'd be damned if they were going to go non public domain twice in the same movie, right? Yeah. London Bridge has performed by like a tuba and a tambourine. Yeah, right. You're right.

I wanted them to pan over and those two drugged up singers just to play in a tuba and a tambourine now. Followed them to the whole movie. All right. And this is where we have the hot dog fight. a two better. It's free now. Follow them to the whole movie. All right. And this is where we have the hot dog fight. Well, first the kids got to put his mouth on the water fountain like eating ass. Oh, he's looking at sea.

Oh, I was like, hey, all right. That's why we don't use the public water fountain. There was just the one water fountain. There was no like laymanites only found. That's true. No was nice to see. Like that was probably one of the things they were talking about in the disclaimer, the beginning of the movie.

Yeah. I was like, a title card could have popped up here. But like the integrated water fountain does not reflect the views of our current home. Yeah, yeah. That's true. Exactly. They made us cut this part.

So. So then the kids see hot dogs and they're like, oh hot dogs and the dudes like, hey, I told their mom I wouldn't the kids see hot dogs and they're like oh hot dogs and the dudes like a I told her mom I wouldn't give them any hot dogs in the in the and Maryland is like no, I'm gonna buy them hot dogs you cynical bastard And it escalates so quickly like these kids are watching in horror as this like can we have a hot dog turns into this Vicious fight. I really wanted to to just keep going and keep escalating. Hot dogs hot dogs. Yeah, come on boys, you know I promised your mother I'd have you home for dinner.

Oh, don't be such a funny, daddy. Let them have a little fun. Well, I don't think I'm being a funny dottie. I'm being reasonable. Unlike some people. Oh, it's okay. I don't need a humble reasonable for a little joy in the world. Sorry if I'm the only one who cares if anyone has a little pleasure.

What's that supposed to mean? Oh, you know exactly what it means, Mr. Quickshot. Oh, hey, guys. Quick shot. You're lucky I can get any. A reflection going in those ray caverns you got down there. Well, everything is giant to an ant. I'll get my dick out right now.

Okay, please don't do it. Do it. I think you get arrested for public indecency, but everyone will just think you're a Kendall that came to life. Well, sure, that would make sense because I'm standing next to Saggy Boobs Barbie. Okay, okay.

I'm gonna go home. You're fat. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna go home. Exactly, like that. Well, everyone, and again, the kids are right in front of them the whole time. Looking up at them, it's a fucking hot dog, people,

just calm down. Yeah, the kids, they're staring for a good 10 minutes just like in awe of this. Like, like they were expecting the parents to like fuck fight. Well, like their parents, these aren't their parents. This is like just two people took them to the zoo terrifying. Yeah, I'll fuck at the end of this. Otherwise, it's no fun to watch. It's hard. So yeah. also, by the way, Doug, he's the guy here. He's one of those fucking close talkers who has to touch your arm kind of finally while he's making a point like, dude, yeah, I know you're right there.

Physically, we're in this. I'm listening. Don't thank. Thank you for coming to reason, Khan. Yep. That's good. All right. Oh, another hug.

We're going to hug again. There you are. Hey, That's good. Thank you. All right. Oh, another hug. We're going to hug again. Great. There you are. Hey, it's from behind this time. Oh, so breathing on my neck. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. You are really confident with your breath. That's great. That's great that you don't let that hold you back. That's good. It's mentee. It's mentee, but still maybe though. I mean, see like you got some gum in there, but do you know that stuff they give you for your skin? That's really dangerous for your fetus and causes a bunch of side effects. Did you do that? Did you do it? You should do it. Your bathing is a little mild just now. Feel that actually moved away. Great. All right. So they bring the, uh, they eventually they bring the kids home all hot dogless and, and

somehow still alive. And they get in and immediately the kids turn to their parents and like, Doug and Marilyn had a fight. I want to talk to like just a smack and the kid around with the fuck. They got in a fight, a fist fight. He has a glass jaw went down like a classic amateur didn't protect his body. Doug's a cuck. She talked back and he didn't do shit.

Back his sastom all the way was ridiculous. So but of course Maryland's not there. They've dropped her off apparently. So this is where he turns to his friends and he's like, Hey, did y'all ever disagree on every single thing that you talked about for more than one second before you were married at all? Is that normal? The couple are like, uh, no. In fact, it's weird. He goes, do you ever disagree on anything? And her answer is no. I mean, I asked to do something once and he said no, but by the way, to do something wasn't like, yeah, I was just wondering if it was okay if I was double teamed by a couple of black guys once.

It was I wanted to die my hair once, but my husband wouldn't let me. That's the good wife in this movie. Yeah. The husband's like, yeah, no, I mean, like she wanted to vote Democrat last year. Turns out she was wrong, though, it's cool. She she waited in the truck and thought about what she did. I worked out fine. I didn't want to be too harsh on her.

Yeah, this was a terrifying cry for help from that. Right. That's the good couple in the marriage. And look, I know we come from like very modern marriages, but if I tried to tell my wife what to do with her hair, she would make me drink the dye. Like I'd come to an extra great event. You know the skin's purple for a little while, guys.

That's just what I'm not supposed to drink. Okay. And we were cutting between this and of course, Maryland complaining to Esther about him, right? And she's like, well, what if we had kids and he wouldn't let me give them unlimited hot dogs and Esther's like, who unlimited hot dogs? She turns and Esther's just got four hot dogs and eats and given them to take in turns on them. What? Sorry. Can feel to fish something.

I'm doing something over here. You're going to want to keep the camera away for seven minutes. Seven. Call it ten. Oh, so one of the weird things they disagree about, she's like, oh, I like the outdoors and he doesn't. He wants to abuse our children and I don't. Yeah, it's these little things.

Yeah, he believes in beating his children. I don't know. Okay. That's great. And then Esther, who had brought up, she, when we had that first teleportation conversation at the beginning, Esther, when she was trying to talk about what was wrong with her marriage, she had mentioned her marriage class. And this is where she invites Maryland. She had mentioned her marriage class. And this

is where she invites Maryland to go along to her marriage class. Now, no, you're from this time period. So you can explain it to me. I was she. Three X 18. Okay. So like you were 18 and she says, I don't know about all this science stuff. What did they have? Scientifically at marriage class are they putting in punch cards and being like all right you too fun Yeah, no, yeah, she says I don't know all that science stuff for us You're like yeah, like they have in marriage class the science stuff and she goes and the computers what? Okay, let's both name a number. Zero or one at the same time. One, two, three, zero, zero. Say what? What? You have my children now. Do you want to be?

I like it. It's like, yeah, no. No. It's like OG, okay, cupid. I like it. It's like fine already, cupid. Yeah, but I was confused by this. So at this point, at least in my head, it's a marriage class for single women and divorcees to be better Mormons like that. We're going to learn that there's men in the class in a minute. But at this point, that's the class as it's been explained in the movie. And like, what would that like, I was picturing like submissive co-bracadodjo that's how you know that yes husband like I don't exist that that that that's sixteen wives all lined up yet no I mean when we were like we were promised

mormon marriage glass I thought that was going to be great you know but uh... but no it's it's it's not actually let's not tell everybody it's not yet, I can use it for suspense. All right, well, since marriage class is the only thing mentioned twice before it happens, I guess that's suspense and we're going to take a break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell here. Will any other food products mimic come in an unmistakable way? Are Mormons talking about facials when they say white and delight some?

Is that why Mormons are always allowed to have smore wives? Find out the answer to these questions and more when we return for the melancholy conclusion of, are you the one? Spoiler, you're not. Hey podcast listener, me again. Now, some of you might be thinking, okay movie, now that I know what not to do in marriage, what should I do? Well luckily for you, our very own Anna and Eli Bosnick have written you a little ditty

to help along the way. My younger man, my father, said to me, I'll teach you now a secret that will keep your wife happy When you've been married long enough, the fucking will soonown And this is what you'll do instead of burning down the town You jerk off on the toilet Because nobody will catch every pitch you throw You'll jerk off on the toilet If the thing that every married man should know You're up her feet when they are sore and be nice to her friends. You'll listen to her stories even if they never end.

You'll text her pics of animals and say this one's like you. If you want to be a happy man these are the things you do. And you're cuff on the toilet. Because if you wanted a fuck toy you should have ordered one online. You'll jerk off on the toilet. You'll think you on the toilet. You'll think you've called and cancer, but it's fine. And when you're old and time boy,

With children by your side, They'll ask you for your wisdom, And your last words you'll confide. You'll jerk off on the toilet It's a secret every married man should know You'll jerk off on the toilet Make sure you've got some good porn on your phone You'll jerk off on the toilet

It's a secret every married man should know You'll jerk up on the toilet Make sure you've got some good porn some really really good porn I'm talking about the kind of porn where if she was my K and your birthday Do you want to try something special you still wouldn't share it with her because you'd think that if you did She'd be like wow have you seen a psychologist about this and then you'd be like I don't think I need to see a psychologist about this and then she'd be like I don't know

I'm just worried about your health and safety and you'd be like, you know what, let's just drop it, never mind, you want to have sex anyways and you can tell she's not in the mood anymore but you've been thinking about that porn so now it's kind of like, got you all revved up about it and after all she doesn't need to know what's inside your own head. I- Sorry. Make sure you have some good part on your phone. And we're back for more of this shit. on your phone.

And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our movie, it was promising us a marriage class full of science and computers and shit. And that's not exactly what we get. No, we're going to get Esther like given a Harvey Weinstein shoulder rub to the guy. She's has a crush on him. It's so weird. They show this guy in this marriage class. He's listening to like a lecture or whatever. And then they pen down in the guy's face. And

Esther is right there, like working the prostate, like inside. So intense. There is very clearly an under the desk handy involved in the background of this scene. But then we have the marriage class teacher. He opens up reading a funny little poem. And then they go through this 11 minute scene where each person takes a, a turn describing Maryland's relationship and why that would be like a red flag of a horrible relationship. Yeah. Illustrated by the way with visual aids because it won't let the teacher goes over and he goes all right

So there are pluses and minuses and then he draws a plus and a minus I'm sure You know so he doesn't lose anybody these things and the guy's like oh adding tea and Negative sand sorry That's fucking confusing it's yeah, it's so good I thought he was gonna draw a graph of something useful at one point when he did the plus and I was like, Oh, no, he's literally just showing us a plus and there's no graph.

And I want to talk about, I mean, there's so many good examples. But one of the examples here is a girl is like, you know, my mother was very social. President of three clubs. What a cunt. Am I right? Yeah. Yeah. That was one of the, that was the first actual compatibility issue that's mentioned to be like Marilyn, here's the problem with you. And this one raises her hand. She's like, my mom was a feminist whore. So there's that. And the teacher's like correction. She thought

she was a feminist wh yeah, also redundant. Yeah. Yeah. And another girl goes, another compatibility that's important is roll conceptions. I'm like, Oh, now this is going to get fun, but it doesn't. She's like, I want it to be the school teacher, but he just kept making me the nurse. No, she says that she was engaged to a boy who wanted her to be nothing but a wife and

a mother. And like the class is sort of like nervously like, yeah, I guess maybe that might be bad. I don't know. To which the teacher goes, yeah, but I mean, some people would like that, right? Right. Right. It's not just the class, it's like that. It's the movie too, right?

Like we're not saying that's a bad thing for guys to be, you know, wanting to lord over their wives and tell them what to think. Yeah. That's the message here. The teacher's like, yeah, but that guy, I mean, he wants you to be a slave. Doesn't work for you guys, but like he'd be perfect for a good woman. Right. Right. He's like, no, good point. Sorry. He wasn't right for up. It. He bitches. Shut up. One math white porch. Number one. Got it. Sure, there's a cuck somewhere who would love you, but like, he's obviously a man's man with an open chest and the sun beating down in his brow. Anyway, sorry.

And then Draco Malfoy pipes up. Oh, God. Okay, I had him as boo-radly, but yeah. And his thing was like, my parents could never agree to on how to spend money and because the writers are so fucking stupid he follows that up with mom wanted to buy books and paintings dad wanted a dozen sports cars all right that is not an intractable problem one person is just wrong very clearly first of all she didn't want a dozen sports cars worth

of books and paintings. And secondly, what are you going to do? Have a demolition derby? Just standing in front of the long room and Dublin. I want it. No, I'm buying a dozen sports cars, dear. We talked about this. And again, throughout this conversation, I was just like, with all the hair in this room, how did anyone mate during this time period? You know, they would have like locked horns like rams. It just wouldn't have worked. Yeah, right. It's like, I can't have an orgasm, but I also can't have an aneurysm.

So we're going to be good. We should be good. And then like one person comes up and she goes, well, with all of this to worry about, it's wonder anybody's married. And then there's like another Scooby-Doo-esque chuckle. And then burrowly pipes peckin with a this delicious phrase. He says, so what are you supposed to do? Run your date through an IBM machine? What? That would be a computer. Picture him jamming a girl into a card slot. Come on, I'm trying to figure out, are you the one?

Also, you said machine twice in a row. Yeah, well, right now, there's a pen number, Venn number, ATM machine kind of situation. He's the girl being jammed in the machine. You said machine twice. No, but we learned from the teacher, there's this new thing in the 60s talking. Yeah, liking each other.

Well, let's not get carried away. Like each other is my entire class that you're paying for. No, I love how 60s heath is like, I don't like the sound. Yeah, I felt like it got super personal at this point. The teacher was like, you need to talk to each other about stuff. Yes, you, Heath, and right, Heath should learn to like phone calls. Don't adjust the volume, Heath. I'm talking to you.

Don't walk away and cry in the other room. Watch the rest of this movie, Heath, and right? I love to at this point, Marilyn is furiously taking notes, you know, on all the science. And I just want to see those goddamn notes. Is it just a big plus and a minus or? She's just unrolling masking tape, drinking scotch by herself. Yes. All right.

So, and then, okay, so the marriage class is over. Then we get her reading or notes later. She's like, hmm, do different things on dates. Try each other's hobbies. I just wanted to cut to her masturbating to giant dyspore and going, yeah, I suck at science. I don't know. It's not for me. She's beating herself up. This is all right. And then we cut to straight off the lines of try each other's hobbies. We cut to her dance class. And I wanted him so badly to come out there in a leotard and be like, oh my God, me too. Maybe we could do some mini golf or something like that. Yeah, that does not go. I did that once went real bad. Really hurt myself super, super bad.

Girlfriend had to quit the class out of embarrassment. He couldn't go back either. Yeah. I was just thinking to myself, you know what, this movie needs is a little interpretive dance that luckily they understood. Oh, and it, I don't know this dance it's so bad good I can't can we begin to describe how bad this dancing I mean, I mean, it's like someone said you know I have a new venue and I'll be performing my cycle It was really fucking bad. Oh, I mean, I just want to be there for the rehearsal of that, right? Okay, girls, everybody ready? Excellent. And three, four, sixteen, twenty-two, three, four,

swoosh, swoosh, the number seven. Wonderful ladies, keep waving your arms. Yep, yeah, just throw a kick in there, wherever, wonderful. Okay, all right, excellent. And some of you are on the ground sad, but others are kicking, kicking, wonderful, and circles, circles. Bill, can I get a duck noise? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, Bill, can I get a duck noise? Excellent, and five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, and everyone is lying down.

Good job, ladies. Oh, and Marsha. Marsha, good rehearsal, everybody. Marsha? Yes, Mrs. V? You're fat. Yes, Mrs. B. You're fat. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three.

I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three.

I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we brought that to the rule of three. I like that we mic'd with the rest of the music. Oh, yes. Yeah, it's like some bitchy kid showed up at the orchestra. He says, I get to play the triangle in the cereal box and they're like, fine, fine, fine.

And meanwhile, Doug is watching this, but he's watching it like you're trying to make it through the poop stuff in a hen tis just like, oh. Okay, so second, second, let's go back to tent oh. Okay. Okay. Just a second. Just a second. I can look it back to tentacles. I feel like it's a bad example you're giving.

You're giving me. I, I, I, I, I, he's given like a blank stare like he's uninterested. It's, yeah. Exactly. You know, I'll come up with a better Eli and start. Before.

But it's, it is a great blank stare. It's like he's reading like a live action middle school poem put to that like all her shitty friends telling a story at brunch, the dance. He's not. He's not. He might as well be inventing Tinder up in the balcony. So you just keep on swiping and then the sheer numbers. Someone. Okay. So do it. So then we come to after class where they're meeting up and she's like, how do you like it? And he does his damn bass, right? It's the best. Like you had so much sympathy with this guy. He's going, well, I, I, uh, yeah. I like that you liked it. Yes. Full. It's like the number one skill you learn as a romantic partner is just to be that was amazing.

How did you learn all those lines? Come on. Get it together, Doug. Such a different song than the last one. What? I love the guy with the violin. He's like, character, he's the suspenders. I had a bunch of fries.

I had a bunch of fries. I had a bunch of fries. And I mean, like again, all the stuff in the hood, like, because she's like, you hated it. And he's like, I didn't hate it. And of course he fucking hated it. How could you not hate it? Modern dance is bullshit. Can we just officially recognize that modern dance bullshit, modern dance is bullshit, but it's bad modern dance, like it's worse than the norm. Can we just agree that modern blanket is bullshit? Overall, it's just bullshit.

Yeah, modern dance post-modernism. Yeah, it's all bullshit. And she goes, at this point, she's like, modern dance requires an appreciation of beauty and emotion. And I'm like, also more talent than you're bringing to the table. Ha ha ha.

Do you have a ball that you balance on your back? I've seen that in the Olympics. Maybe a ribbon? Get a ribbon? Ribbon would help. And then we have to cut to her doing one of his hobbies with him. And they're out fishing.

Which is just as terrible as modern dance. It is. They are perfect for each other. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I've been married for 21 years here at little secret for you. Well, she's dancing. You can fish. Oh, we compromise. We'll modern fish. We'll do some modern fishing. I'll, I'll fish. You go pretend to be a caterpillar over there.

Well, I kill this animal and you're a worm and you're a worm. You look tasty to that fish. I'm rolling around in a le and you're a worm. You look tasty to that fish rolling around in a leotard in a lake. She's got a hook inside a young 19 year olds jaw just like I feel like we've combined these weirdly. But yeah, she doesn't like fishing because it's boring. And of course, when she says that it's boring, he points out that she probably shouldn't have a vote or a job. Well, yeah, then they have to have a completely random and different fight about how he wouldn't want to marry a woman that works at a job.

Yeah, exactly. She says, well, I'm interested in dance. Maybe I want to be a dance teacher. He's like, no, that's fine. That's fine. I'll just need my ring and my semen back. Great. Great. Dance teacher. Cool. Enjoy being a communist lesbian junior girl. Community girl communist lesbian.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was dating the devil, but thanks for filling me in on that Maryland. Waste of three months, the normal mating period of this era. Why does it just be smacking each other every time they're on screen? of three months, the normal mating period of this era. Why does it just be smacking each other every time they're on screen together? Oh, and speaking of which, this is where she pushes him in the water very clearly, and then acts like that wasn't what she was shooting for. Yeah, she like judo throws him into the water.

He's like, yeah, I'm definitely throwing you in the water. And she's like, oh, tug. Yeah. I didn't realize you were modular. At this point, I wanted them to pan over to the couple from the beginning and they're just like watching, just come every like just covered in common fish blood. Like, ah, you guys, you're in a fuck fishing?

No, he's in the bucket. Let's do this. She's just gently poking marshmallows into his butthole with a butthole version of trubby bunny. She's like, oh, hey guys, we're at 21. I come over and shake your hand, but it's covered in marshmallow and feces. So 22, he makes it to 25. It's my turn next.

23. Defeat. Trion. Go. This would be great. Hand tied. So. All right. So now we cut back to Esther and Marilyn. Um, and Esther now is, um,

Esther's exercise. And oh my god. This is the best. I could watch Esther Esther the penguin do exercises for her. She's just twitching around like it's great. It looks like Richard Simmons had a seizure during a tape and sold it anyway and she's doing it. Yeah, it's if you're wondering what it was like when Heath watched me exercise in Chicago, it was this except he was a lot less chill about how horrified Marilyn is. Okay.

Okay, Esther, stop, stop that. It's not, it's not working and stop. So that. And she's going like as Esther's exercise, Marilyn's going like, boy, or me and Doug, an unhappy couple that shouldn't get married. If only there was a short film to explain what to do in a circumstance like this Also, by the way Estre's eating an entire plate of cookies. Yes, she's while she exercises

Because fat people are fun. I'm so into Esther like we happily share our hobbies like we like we happily share our hobbies like we. Oh, like, she's probably super old now, but like you just call me Esther like you're into super old. You're dating videos amazing. Yeah, I think she goes to my mom's temple. So I can, I can probably hook that up. I can look up someone who looks identical to Esther. I promise.

Yeah. We're pretty homogenized people. I can deliver. Well, and also she's got such good wisdom, right? To give up, she's like, because, because Marilyn is like, but I love Doug and Astor's like, what the fuck does that even mean? And she's like, right, right.

And she's like, look, one day he's gonna be 70, balls start out, gross, they don't get better over time. What are you thinking here? And Marilyn's just like, I don't know, maybe he'll throw me a sock and I'll be free someday. I'll be okay with it. But what if we were both completely different people? Well, yeah, then, but you're not. Yeah. That's called other people. And I love, so this is the closing wisdom from Esther. She's like, look, there are some

things you can change, but there are some things you can't change. And she's right, by the way, that covers all the things. That's the full of the Instagram. Yeah. So okay. And now it's time for Marilyn and Doug to do the inevitable. They're going to break up. And she wore a peaceful black, which I appreciated. Yeah. Right. Right. She was pre-morning, pre-morning the relationship. So we see them at a restaurant. They leave the restaurant and Doug stops her on the way out and he's like, Marilyn, I don't think we should see each other for a little while. And she's

like, I agree. We should have a very, very calm one might almost say comatose breakup right now. Oh, it's so fast too. It's so polite. Just like are we friends now indeed? See you next summer for tennis. Absolutely. Oh god, I wanted this to be like a real breakup. Like the last 20 minutes of this would have been worth it if this had been like a real like any breakup I've ever had

Well, Shucks Marilyn you're a real swell gal, but I'm not sure I'm the right man for you Wait, are you Breaking up with me. Well, golly. I wouldn't think of it as breaking up so much as being. Oh my God, I'm gonna kill myself. Now, Marilyn, don't say that. I don't carve your name into my face before I do it. So everyone's gonna know you drove me to it. Well, it sure would be a shame to mess up such a pretty face. Now, why don't we just go back and time? No, get your hands off me. You fuck. You fucking Maryland. I'm not actually touching

you. I'm over here. You're not going to send me you motherfucker. Get a if I find your dick doesn't work. Now, now honey pie, I don't want all these people to know you're dick doesn't work, huh? Because, as Dick doesn't work, as Dick doesn't work. Now, Marylyn is a tiny little. This is little. Now, Marylyn, this is very unlady. I've got to tell you, it cops about all the cocaine you sell. All right, now how about you shut your whore, Mal?

That would have been more like it. Yeah, that I could have gotten me. It's the most amazingly honest breakup ever. It's just like I'm bored of your vagina and I don't care about anything you ever say. Cool. Cool. I've heard all your jokes and my clips bigger than your dick. Great. Great. Let's do a fist bump and also your own. And the surprise ending, by the way, the twist ending in this movie is that it wasn't her. It was him.

Never saw that coming. And they just agree like we need to think about the other good white people trying to breed. Let's not fuck up the math. The end. And then of course, because they just broke up, they go inside to dance together one last time, like you do right after you break up.

Yeah, nothing like holding your body close to the person you just broke up with. That's it. And that's it. That's the whole fucking movie, right? Do you guys ever have a breakup that involved the phrase, thank you? I don't, you know what? I don't think that there has been a, I think there has been a blank KU.

But it was a fan at the beginning. I've probably thanked someone during a breakup. If I think about it hard enough, just like, oh, cool. You know what? You're the best. Be the best of friends. Yeah. That definitely happened to me as a confusing moment.

It was like, thank you. Thank you. Do we both say anything? Cool, buddy. Ah. Roasting. I feel like that's just our problem. I feel like the audience is not going to relate to

roasting mid break up as a problem. Getting in good zingers was an issue for me. World doesn't have enough good zingers during the break ups. All right. Well, keeping with the theme of the movie, I wonder, because obviously a lot of people are watching this movie for marital Advice and then listening to this podcast, hoping to get some additional relationship advice. Do you guys want to offer up anything before we go? I mean, I wrote a whole song, so I feel well, right. No, that is going to be super, super helpful. You'll need to listen to that, but I'm going to go go with animal pictures, animal pictures, guys.

Really? Yeah. I don't know. It's not as you've got to go with some other stuff too that I won't just hold the animal pictures doesn't hold it together. Well, they got to be regular. You got to learn to like phone calls, learn to like phone calls. As my first piece of advice, also people should develop personalities.

Everybody should do that or, um, go with the polygamy thing. I think, I think they were very quietly telling us that that's the best way to go. This whole movie. Just pick it. If you can't find a favorite restaurant, go to the buffet. Yeah, there you go. All right. Well, while that's going to do it for our review of are you the one that's not going to

do it for the episode, just yet because we still need to stiffen your nipples for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. The singles ward. Okay. We just fucking with Heath at this point. I'm excited. We've got a lot of requests for this one.

So from what I've heard, if you aren't married right away when you come back from your mission They put you in a house of unfuckables and then you and this is a movie about what happens when you're in that house for more than ten minutes So if that's to look forward to your bring episode 148 to a merciful close once again a huge thanks to all the patreon Donors that help make the show go, if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode.

You can also help us to not believe in this five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a, the citation needed, and the scepticrat of it will be on iTunes to join wherever else podcast lip. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on moviesageemail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the offices of P.Ed. Retouris, our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, Legal Drafts,

On Mars, all of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neal, Lab, Oz, and Gumball, No Illusions, Promise, and Work Hard, or another chunk next week until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. The new version of Chubby Bunny that we learned, a lot more fun than the ass ones news. The chick who took the marshmallow facial went on to become my wallpaper. Keith stole all of Eli's marshmallows.

Eli just not want them back. You're not going to bring me new ones tomorrow, you're a liar. No, I'm not. Everybody's a theory. Thank you. Yes. Ten. Why you?

You hear that? Lady, I interviewed with N.Y. You. Who thought I didn't belong there Sean Penn got nothing on me. I got nothing on me There will no need to ask if I had any other training outside of your school. That was rude Okay, I feel like I feel like a Southern Mormon man definitely broke up with Eli more than once That was from a place of knowledge. Yeah.