God Awful Movies - 149: The Singles Ward

Episode Date: June 26, 2018

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of "The Singles Ward", the story of a bunch of Mormons telling Mormon jokes and us wondering what the hell is going on. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Soy Feliciano López y sé que en la vida no hay nada perfecto. Ni el golpe perfecto, ni el partido perfecto. Pero sí hay una energía perfecta y está en perfecta energía. Soluciones integrales de energía solar y autoconsumo. Haz como yo entra en perfecta energía.com y cambia de energía. Mormons cannot ask each other out without everything The End If you know it does it there is a way I say hey want to go out and maybe fuck is because I'm hoping to get to the fucking but if you know There's no fucking you're like and some I read those three Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Welcome back. Nice Noah. You know what an RM with a CTR who RWH would say to their WML and you see about finding some YSAs. Did none of that make sense? Neither will most of this movie.

Yeah. Have a good time. A couple of Mormons might have understood that sentence though. I don't think a lot of Mormons are listening and Citi Gatty, one miles to my right, is my bad friend Eli Bosnig Eli how are you this fine afternoon sir i'm good Noah question am i am i fluent in the english language i feel feel like it was but this movie really changed that i don't know why you felt like you were i see your nose that's fair you? Fair. You're retracted. Bulleted. Yeah. All right.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the singles ward. It's the story of how the Mormon church truly cares about the happiness of its members and they have an elaborate system in place to make sure nobody becomes Heath. That's a heartwarming tale. labored system in place to make sure nobody becomes heath. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if it was brewing in the slide, the telephone and it did Giron Kimmel.

You will love this movie. I know a lot of this review is going to be that this movie made no fucking sense. We should explain. We have read the book of Mormon. We have been to Salt Lake City and seen almost a dozen Mormon movies, and this film was still fucking into Cypherabins. It's Finnegan's wake level in the safe moment combined with like Murphy Brown levels references that were tickets to.

Yeah. And also Eli, how meta was this movie? Well, I usually take a first couple of minutes before the record to fill these in and I already used McCatchphrase. And so unless we're going to do rule of threes and have me do it again, it won't work. It's pretty meta. We're not in the same room right now. That's it. Good ass teeth.

I could ask teeth. All right, but so here's the thing though. Half the time I was frustrated because they had no fucking idea what the hell was going on. And the other half, I was frustrated because I did right like there were times in this movie where you got the deep cut Mormon reference and you're like fuck what have I done with my life yes that is so much of this movie is just maybe in like I get that I could have been the snowman. Oh, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst shirts. And we've seen a lot of shirts. We've done a lot of movies. But the main character in this movie has like the zander cage for a coat of shirts. Not once, but twice. Oh, yeah. I mean, can we talk about the Zander Cage for code of shirts. Not once, but twice. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Can we talk about the shirts you want to wait until they show up?

Let's wait for them. Let's go. Those are one of the few things that I understand here. So I was just writing jokes about it. I was going to go with best worse cameos that Eli couldn't possibly notice. Because okay, so this movie has a bunch of cameos from like famous Mormon athletes So Eli has no idea and they've got the typical cameo moments where they make jokes that you know are about that person's athletic career And I'm reading through Eli's notes and it's just as confusing to him as the Mormon in jokes are yes

A lot of fun. I didn't understand any of this movie So when they stopped the movie for a minute so that people can golf and I just like, what's happening? Is this a Mormon joke? Do I know these people? Do I not know these people? I could have been the snowman. That's a lot of my notes. Speaking of self-referential, I'm going to go with best worst self-referential humor. This is like raping somebody and being like rapist, am I right? This whole movie doesn't seem to understand what self-aware means, right? Right. Doing shots, what an alcoholic, right?

No, stop. You have to stop. All right, well, there's somehow both a lot and very little to get to. So while we puzzle out that contradiction, we're gonna pause for a quick break, but when we come back, we'll dig into all the tongue and cheek Mormon in jokes that are the singles ward. I am no illusions and if you've ever been to one of our live shows or even seen a picture of us, you probably noticed that 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35 and once you start to notice your hair loss, there's only so much you can do. I mean, you could be really funny and marry away out of your league and then spend your life desperately trying to prove to her that marrying a bald fat guy was a good idea. Yeah. desperately trying to prove to her that marrying a bald fat guy was a good idea. Yeah, you could learn to masturbate to videos of women unrolling masking tape alternatively. Or maybe you can get a toupee.

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Skeleton key. In the name of Anna, the amizifal, the ever living, the bringer of pleurabytes, hallowed be her eve, her sink time sung, her will be run on him. That's it is uneven. Okay. I'm pretty sure will be run on him. That's it is uneven. Okay, I'm pretty sure that's not more. I don't know. It might be.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start this thing off like an ASMR video, which is nice little scrapbooking credits. Also, we see a disc man early on. Oh, that was excellent. That made me happy. Maybe want to go back to the 90s and like, master bait while rollerblading or something. Yeah, right. Made me want to, made me want to hit the base boost, motherfucker. Oh, by the way, music note here. Does it count as Christian rock? If we say Jesus words while the guitar happens? Yes. Yes, it does. Yeah. My music note was Eli singing a punchline. Right? That's how literal this goddamn song is. Also, we learned that this movie was made in association with LDS Singles.com Which I went to and open an account. It's going

to be fun. The story is that rolls in. Also, their website front page looks exactly like a Seattleist commercial. It really does. Exactly. Like it might as well have like 20 tubs out in a field every home in hands. It's the best. They're all in their magic underwear.

All right. So, so the credits and and they're all scrapbooking and stuff. And then we start the fucking movie proper with both a ticking clock and an unanswered phone. They're like desperately trying to annoy us with all the movie annoy you tropes. They're just like a loaded gun and then us fuse gets sat. They there just hitting all of the annoy. Yeah. So okay. So our main character is waking up to the new board activities director at his ward calling him. Right. And he does mother fuckers. And he doesn't want to do it. So he's going to sexually harass her to teach her a lesson. Ha ha ha ha. Classic no, right? Oh, and like, and this is so fucked up, he squanders it.

So because I was so sympathetic to this character until the sexual harassment, right? He's fucked with a telemarketer, but then he's way over. Yeah, right, because, okay, so it's the chick from his church calling to say, hey, I hear you're an entertainer professionally. Would you like to do that for free at our thing? And all I wrote was just, fuck you! Fuck you!

And he even does this right at this point. He's like, hey, do you have a job? Do you do it for free all the fucking time? Except that he then has to say, what are you? And she says a nurse. He's like, will you come over here and give me a free sponge bath? He's like, no, no, see that's now that's now that sexual. Uh, no, it's no fun.

That's no. Yeah. Right. And again, two thirds of this podcast come up with very creative ways for people to fuck themselves on a pretty regular basis. And we've never had to resort to rape culture. So I'm just saying. Yes.

And then he breaks the fourth wall because they, they were like, oh, you know what else the noise people. Yeah. And every new shot starts with like, oh, hello, didn't see you there. Camera like. It's like the actor thinks each camera angle is a new person he has to talk to. It's fucking exhausting. Well, then after saying, you know, I didn't see you there.

He goes right into he's like, well, you know how it is when the bishop Rick laminated the quorum of Ella, him Mormon word, right? And what? What? What? What? Again, this is the first time, but as we've hinted at not the last time that this movie will just casually walk in such deep Mormon cuts that I was just like, I was

constantly, because you're just thinking, I watch these movies relatively casually. My wife walks in the room. I pay attention to what she says. I know we'll get dinner later. Every time my wife spoke, I was like, shout up, shout out, I miss it. I know which fucking pin this piece of yarn goes to. Which of the puzzle is the What does that even mean to them? That's just a guy they just use the word a

POSSIB guy Honestly, if I did a control F on the notes right now, how many what We're being the next day I'm gonna be honest 117 Yeah, over under 100 Yeah, well, and it's okay. So here's the thing I, we should say, we originally had an ex Mormon guest planned and then she got second couldn't make it and we were like, hey, maybe we can get price to

do it. And then we're like, this, this, this episode would be 45 years long if I said to try to explain to us with all this shipping. So we're just going to puzzle it out. Feel free to write in to us later and tell us what any of the shit means. But do an entirely different my book of Mormon podcast on this movie. Now he goes through stuff that he could do the whole thing. Just a new show. My the single sword. Yes. But basically that the whole point of his is little monologue while he's getting breakfast is just

to tell us he used to be way into this Mormonism thing, but not so much anymore. Yeah. Quick thing, during this breakfast eating, so he pour cereal into a bowl, and then he's eating cereal off of a flat plate in the very next shot. Draw with a spoon. Like what the fuck did their bowl and milk budget run out between shots? Their lease end on that stuff. Yeah, there were continuity errors in this movie that you almost seem to have to be trying to make. It seems like it had to be a purpose. We also get some really sweet Nancy Reagan humor here. Topical.

Topical for the movie made in 2002, yes. Yeah, the Nancy Reagan reference was weird. It was like a just say no thing to the Mormonism. He's like, yeah, so I say the same thing as Nancy Reagan when they call me up. And I want him to be like, your name is Ronald and you're the president. This is not a movie.

It's super important that you hear me. That's a real red. Don't press the red button. Tell me where the makies are. I push the button. Of course, but so but he's like, but of course, I wasn't always cynical at hell bound. So we flash back to like three years ago ago him and there's this scene that exists all on its own that's just him helping an old lady move and the whole bit is, old people, they're useless. Yeah, right?

Not. And again, it's, it is, hey, remember when I helped old lady moves, but again, entirely coded like, you know when the brother comes over and puts his hand on the back of your neck and I was like, what incest porn? I got a, I'm putting this into it. Porn hob and it's like, and then you say, of course, better angels of our nature, upside down fruitcake. And of course, back into the garden all around.

And you're like, what? It's just to help old ladies move because you're stuck in a church activity scene, but it has to be encoded in fucking. Yeah. Shabber walkie level nonsense. And then of course, he's got to tell us about his, uh, his failed marriage. This scene is amazing. Okay. So he had just graduated from B, graduated from BYU. He goes back to his apartment and he notices that there are beers in the fridge. And he does a literal delayed reaction double take

about seeing the beer in the fridge. Oh yeah, he opens the fridge. There's clearly some beer in there. He closes it and he's like, Hey, wait a minute. Does beer come in for packs? Or did somebody just binge drink 24 ounces of blood water? So he goes to the other room.

The wife has now lost her faith in Jesus. So immediately she went out and bought beer and cigarettes, right? Yes, she is. And again, so much of this movie is trying to hit the beats of a romantic comedy because in a human romantic comedy, he comes home, he sees the beer, he walks in and she's fucking someone else, maybe like the people, but the Mormon version of that is her having two beers and a cigarette.

That's the same time. I started to question Mormonism like that day earlier and then like an hour later, she's doing all the evil things. It's like smoking five cigarettes, heroin needles sticking out of her face, like hell razors, blowing lines of espresso off a Lamanite's dip

when he walks into the face. Also, Budweiser, it starts pretty close to water. Utah Budweiser is like, basically homie a pathic, right? So this is not even, nothing's happening. And again, this movie gets so close to being like, hey, it turns out marrying someone you don't know at all is a bad idea. Who would have thought? But then instead, it's just like, I don't know what was wrong with me, just couldn't keep her home. Yeah. Right. Couldn't keep her away from the cigarettes.

Um, it's like a save by the bell episode. He really is. So okay. So now we cut to him as like a 20 something divorcee at church and he's like hilariously surrounded by children. Why? Why did he go sit in the thing around a bunch of fight? Do they see it like American Airlines?

Thanksgiving. He's got to be at the kid's table because he's not married yet. Anyone else picturing he's just bullying his younger cousins out of the mashed potatoes? Move Kyle. I said, when I'm done with the games, you can have them learn to drive dick, get bigger and stronger. They even make a goddamn polygamy joke here, right? Cause he's like, you know, they say our ancestors were able to handle four or five wives. And I can't even take care of one. And I'm like ancestors really like, oh, way back.

Like, you mean, grandpa and first cousin. Dad, yes. It's almost me dad. And then he throws out the, um, the frog in the boiling pot analogy, which isn't true. I know that one. But no, it's not. So just jump out when the water gets hot enough. Yeah, right. Like, cause it'll be boiling and they'd otherwise die.

But for some reason, this movie thinks we need a visual aid here. Yes. They have a shrinking dink that they threw into a pot and the stone. And they're like, this will help. Which means that there was a test audience where they were like, you know, the frog in the pot story. And someone was like, frog tries marijuana for the first time. You know, you know, we'll play that on screen.

We do need this movie to be unbearably long. So let's make sure we put this out there. Yeah, right. It goes. And they say that committing sin works the same way as the boiling frog analogy, apocryphally, I mean, wait. Okay, so this is where we get his sin montage and start to slow with soda, soda. Yes. And a slow mo evil shot of him grabbing a six pack of iced tea.

Yeah, iced tea like, well, we'll get like that photo negative pop scare of a snapple for a second. So stupid. But then he gets into the hardcore stuff. Of course, so the was just a stepping stone. And of course, I'm talking about watching our rated movies. Plus, plus newsies, uncut. Yeah. Well, that was, newsies uncut. Yeah.

Well, that was, that was a punchline. That's basically child porn. And then oh, they should just be like punchline. At one point they do. Yeah. Well, got there. Oh, if there's an NC 17 director's cut of newsies, though, I have something very similar. I will send it to you.

Or a So an onion. So all right. So then he becomes a standup comedian. Or at least that's what he says. Yeah, that's what he says. We see him. He becomes a standup observer.

You know, he's just like, have you ever noticed that there's a little arrow in the FedEx symbol? That's weird. I just like because it's been there the whole time and I just didn't see it until someone said something. Oh, it did anyone else feel like at certain points of this movie that you had died and gone to hell and all your least favorite things were being presented to you in the form of this movie. Just like bad, clean, observational stand up comedy. Honestly, if you had been followed by my ex just like holding up fingers very close together

and being like seriously, it's this big. Beep, beep, beep, beep. My dad pulls himself out of a grave. Oh, I saw you got a bunch of retweets. Glad I sent you to NYU, I'm just like, Oh, shit. Where's Robert Lozia? Get out here, Robert.

Ha, ha, here, Robert. And then we get that the little montage of like the Mormons keep showing up and trying to get him to go back to church thing. And again, I was going to write a joke in my notes about how this is all a sia up, but he points that out. And then it's like, but it's a pretty adorable one when you think about it, right? Yeah, like, it's like, I mean, technically they actually organize these activities just to bring them in and then they begin a process of shunning so that the shame reward cycle scares you back into the church.

That's just the wacky things that we do. Am I right? Yeah. It would be like if I was making a Jewish movie and there's just a guy putting his mouth on a bloody baby dick and I was like, Judaism! I'm gonna be a blah, blah, blah! Yeah, I'm like, gosh, my bum, blah! He doesn't, he can't get out in front of that!

Trust me, we've tried! Yeah, right. Punch line, this is a punch line. All right, and then late one night after his set was over, he broke the fourth fucking wall some more. This is the Woody Allen quote, and it makes me so happy. So weird. This movie is made in the 90s, but he just turns and he's like Woody Allen once wrote, artists are allowed to create their own moral universes. And all of our notes are you. Woody Allen said something

about morality. I'm going to be exactly like you. Yeah. I'm right. Too bad. I don't have an amazing moral guide like Joe Smith anymore. Now I'm going to be abusive to women. What? Oh, and speaking of women, this is also where we meet the bartender that would very much like to have sex with him throughout this movie. Yeah, no kidding. So there is one problem that I should point out with this film. And regular listeners, you know, we like to poke some fun at the physical appearance of the main characters of the films we watch, but Everyone in this film or at least that almost everyone in this film is a beautiful

beautiful Shining statue of humanity. So You're gonna have to wait till we get to the side characters for that because this bartender's hot and the main character's hot I said it. Okay. I said yeah, the love interest is smoking hot everybody in this goddamn movie is hot Yeah, but yeah, she was to have sex with goddamn movie is hot. Yeah, um, but yeah She wants to have sex with him and then he leaves right after telling us about how immoral he is I'm just like dude you suck at sinning All right, so now it's time to meet his friends and also his shirts

Okay They say nothing about this and Like what the fuck is happening? Somebody needs to address the silver shirt he is wearing. He's wearing a bright, shiny, made of metal silver shirt. It's crazy. Yeah, right. No, it's a suit of armor, paired down. You do in comedy at the ice campaigns.

What's that? Opening acts for a robot street performer. First, somebody say something. Yeah, but apparently they're used to him dressing in aluminum foil because his friends just show up and say, Hey, man, can you give us a ride to the Mormon party at the steak center? Yeah, what I said, because the whole time I was like, okay, well, there needs to be steak now.

Nothing. No, no, but he tells us by breaking the fourth wall again, that these are his non-pushy Mormon friends. They're pretty cool. They accept them just as as he is, which is an interesting observation scene is I like through the rest of the movie. They'll be trying to talk him into going to church with them. They, in fact, literally never do anything except trying to convince him to go to church with them. I would like to know what the pushy Mormons are like because we get the example of the pushy Mormons at the beginning and they're just these friends, but in a group, is it easy?

Like, more than four people. What is the day? I don't know. By the way, we learned that they need to borrow his car because they're wacky roommate through his car out of a plane. And if you're wondering, Hey, are we going to spend somewhere between 20 and 30 minutes on those shenanigans? Oh, yeah. Major theme of the movie without ever explaining why this person would have a plane to push a car out. Yeah, uh-huh. That will never stop being funny in the minds of these writers. Whenever they feel like it's late, starting to tone down again,

they're going to bring up that guy throwing a car out of a plane again. So he does decide to drive him to the party. He's got a gig, but he's going to drop him off on the way. And along the way, they're sharing, do you know who's a Mormon rumor? And let's just say I identified with this because I absolutely do this with other atheists. I'm like, yeah, no, Emma Stone. She said, she said, no, Google it. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, really? Emma Stone, Dr. Hogue, I said it. Dr. Hogue, I said it here and I do go live here and I only she here and I least hot Johnny. Oh, we don't want him anymore. But Johnny did it. Yeah, 2015. This is like, he's made me have been to what do you know what I want to play this game anymore? That's not what's that. Paul pot. Oh fuck. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no because literally everything that happens in this movie has to happen as part of a montage.

Oh, absolutely. There is nothing they will not illustrate through montage in this movie. All right. So we get to the party and his pager goes off. Yes, his pager probably said 505. It's SOS. Yeah, no, it is. And it was probably said 303. That's mom, if you have to turn it sideways. And then we see a Mormon dance party, which is exactly what you picture when I say Mormon dance party. I mean, I've never been to a Mormon dance party, but I feel like they nailed this. It looks like a dance class taught by me in the last. It's the only dance floor in history that wouldn't magically screech to a halt and look at me.

The moment I try to start dancing, yeah, right. I would fit right in. And again, like that's the insidious propaganda of this movie is like as much as Heath and I joke about like avocado toast and beautiful women and happy families. Like that's part of this movie's hook is like, I guess we are pretty silly with all the fun activities we have to ensure that you'll get married. Eli, you know, I mean, avocado toast, like it was good. I remember it, but like they we have avocados and bread and heat, like everywhere. Okay.

Well, not in Spanish, Harlem, okay? Some of us are a bit desert. So let's not want to try and figure out what the Spanish word for avocado is. Is it lawyer, I believe? Is it guacamole? You guys have to tell me. I don't have to tell you anything. All right. So, so Jonathan, that's the main character's name that we're just getting around to tell you. Jonathan, um, just got a page that his gig got canceled. It was for a fireman strip and damn it. If somebody didn't drop a car out of a plane and then the fireman had to go to work. I'm

I said, it's a car tie right in. I said to tie in. It's a comedy. It's seamless. It's seamless. Yeah. It's like a great episode of Seinfeld.

And then his car wouldn't start. And I just want to point out like that doesn't fucking happen anymore, right? Like that made sense as a movie vehicle in 1953 not in the goddamn 2000s my car is never not fucking started okay let's not it's that was named yeah check your privilege now some of us have cars that set on fire or were stolen by their moms so you know and then and then he calls somebody to come pick up his car and that person doesn't even speak English. Ah, all those Spanish speakers in Utah.

What can you say? Right. But anyway, so through a wacky series of comic overplayed cliches, he stuck at this lay Mormon party. And there's this weird moment where he breaks the fourth wall here and he's like, people seem to be afraid to get divorced in Mormonism because being single is terrible. And I wrote, that's not Mormonism, buddy. That's the world.

Yeah. Right. Okay. Okay. Okay. And then to demonstrate like how dorky this party is we cut over to nerds having nerd conversation as written by non nerds Right because they're they're arguing about whether the enterprise could outrun the millennium falcon a Fucky course it could the ma fucking falcon taps out at one and a half times to speed a light the enterprise warps

fucking space It's max velocity is point 73 light years an hour real nerds would never bother with that dumb ass Conversation so you know like just find a fucking nerd. How hard is it? I wanted a real nerd fight where it's just like do women belonging movies at all So they know you want to harass this lady off Instagram together? Instagram together. Yes. Thank you. Gonna run a van into an area in Canada. Great. All right. So and then he's sitting on the couch and suddenly another beautiful woman would like to dance with him because all the women in this movie exist in relation to his penis.

And he says not yes. If this actress walked into this room right now and asked me to meet her at the bottom of the ocean, I would be, you would no longer agree, I would have drowned. I'd be a drowned person. There is no place that this woman couldn't be like, hey, do you want to dance blank? That I wouldn't be like, uh-huh. See you there. I have a snorkel out of this garden hose. I'll be fine. No bads land. Sounds romantic. Yeah. Okay. Also, quick question about this part of

the movie. I think maybe my copy had like an edit that went wrong and there was a broken minute from some other movie. Did you guys have a guy weeping into a magazine for about 60 seconds for no reason who was never in the movie that we watched besides this? I feel like that's an inside joke, right? Like so like we need to know who that guy is and what that magazine is and then it makes sense. Yep, maybe it's a book. It's a Mormon book, sad book. And here's the thing. I had a Mormon who I was like messaging

throughout watching this to be like, what's this mean? What's this mean? At this point, I'd given up. And he was just like, how's the movie going? And I was like, bad. I don't have any more questions. And then, okay, so, so then we cut back to the Mormon party and we get this montage of Mormon opening lines. Ooh, ooh, I wanna play, I wanna play. Ha! F. Say, are you a mayonnaise sandwich? Because I find you whiten to light some. Girl, the first time I saw you,

I was struck dead for three days. Excuse me, but you have a liahona? I just got lost in your eyes. I mean, those are better though, right? You're good. You're good, though. You're good. You're good.

You're good. Because there's, well, there's some sexual harassment there, but not physically. Oh, God. And this way, by who he, this all ends with the guy going like, you know, he's flirting up with the squirrel and she's going, by the way, I'm just in high school and he's like, oh That's that's fine. We're Mormons that again that that moment happens in comedies, right?

The he he I'm a high schooler. I'm here with my sister and then the character is supposed to go whoa Not high schoolers and he's just like cool cool. He is. I'm starting to be the easiest podcast from my buddy. You call me here. You're a lot older than my sister. All right. So and then we cut back to Jonathan and the hot chick. She's talked him into dancing with her. Now she will be the love interest. She will also be the lady that called him earlier to ask him to do his comedy for free that he's sexually harassed. Quite quite the comedic premise that has been established here is pretty good. That's pretty awkward, right?

Right? Yeah. No, I mean, who hasn't been there trying to date a girl that you sexually harassed over the phone? Am I right? Oh, love in there. Too many of us are so stupid. dated girl that you sexually arrest over the phone. Am I right? Oh, love in there. Too many of us are so stupid. And you realize this.

And she's like, oh, what's your name? And he covers this horribly awkward situation by giving a fake name, stumbly sitcom style. He's like, my name's John. John, John, John, John, John. Your name's John. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Right. No, his real name is Jonathan. The name he made up was John. Oh. Oh, also, this is where they found a black guy. Yeah.

And they, and they like point that out. They like really highlight that.'re like look oh black guy I've got Vanna white gesturing in Also, this is the part where the one guy goes like they have this this little joke where the guy goes Oh, she was to dance with me constantly and his friend goes what's wrong with that and he goes she looks like Johnny Lingo's wife before the eight cows And I wrote oh my god. I get that joke. Somebody kill me now. Why happened to my life? Wasn't she like just attractive the whole time? Yeah, she just had like ethnic hair at the beginning.

And that's enough to be a punchline for an ugly joke in the world of Mormonism. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's the fucked up thing is that they make the Johnny Lingo joke. And we're all like, no, you're getting that wrong. You're fucking that up. All right. Let me, let me set you straight on the Johnny Lingo jokes here. Yeah. And then we cut to the kitchen to fail the back del tests some more. I mean, like, the back del test is that there's got to be a scene in the movie where two women appear and don't talk about a man. This, you could go to sentence and still fail on this one. There is no backdelt second in this movie.

No. No. All right. So, and so, Cammy goes into the kitchen and her friends tell her that no, no, that's actually the Jonathan that was rude to her on the phone. Uh-oh. He's caught followed by a 1950s cartoon sound. Oh, for fuck's sake, like Elmer Fud just noticed something

just off the camera. Oh, and we should point out that one of these two friends, like her soul characteristic will be that every time we see her, she's describing how awesome her husband is going to be in the future. Battle man. Yeah. She's like, I'm going to marry somebody who's six foot four, six percent body fat, 240 pounds. And like, I was like, Oh, man, I was doing so well for a second. Six, four, two, four, I got you six, uh, counteroffer, six four,

two, ten, thirty, six percent out of that. That's gotta get the other 30 in a different stack. It evens out. It's a square root. It's fine. But I'll order tapas with you if you'd like. You can go get some tapas. That guy's not gonna get tapas.

All right, so now we've got the like incredibly lazy conflict between the love interests. So now we have the bit where he wants to apologize and explain himself. But damn, and if there's done a Jello related emergency somewhere. Yeah. So again, it's just the laziest writing humanly possible. She's supposed to be a nurse's aide so a girl has fallen and hit her head on some Jelloello and even though she's supposed to be a nurse's aid, she doesn't know that it's not her ankle. Even after the girl's like, no, it's my, it's my eye. She's like, uh-huh, you're really just a vehicle for me to snipely fight with him, okay?

Just don't get so specific. Well, and it's like, it's like they know that like slapstick involves people falling down. They just don't know what like slapstick involves people falling down. They just don't know what has to happen on camera. Right. And now it's time for the big announcement, guys. Somebody else got engaged after knowing each other for a week. That's what they say.

They're like, you know, these two met at this dance last week and today they got engaged. Sammy Mary met during the last song. Yeah. Yeah. Talk to me. And then we should also point out to that there's one character in this movie. I don't know anybody's fucking name. They're all weird Mormon names.

So I just have Miss creepy guy. But every time we see him, he'll be like put in his arm around a girl and she'll be moving it off for whatever. He'll be striking out constantly at some point. I'm sure that like he'll be roofing some girl and we'll tee he about that. Oh, Mormon Dwight. True. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. The greatest. I was hoping for a karate demo at one point that never happened, but he's pretty great. And okay. So now it's the next day. He's walking around down the road talking to us again, breaking the

fourth wall. And I'm like, you know, I know you're the narrator, bro But get a fucking friend or a bartender or a therapist. I'm sick and fucking tired of you But what he's explaining to us is that it was very clear that that girl didn't want to have sex with him But he's gonna not take no for an answer and he says on any on any given night, a comedian stands in front of 200 people. What? I was like, you're like a world famous comedian. On any given night, a comedian stands in front of four guys,

two of whom are his friends doing the seven drink minimum required for him to get paid. Yeah, so he's going to church that the love interest my way her name is Cammy, because it's fucking Mormonism. Yep, we're going to be taking a character named Cammy very seriously in this movie buckle in everybody. So yeah, so he goes in search of his fucking ancillary street fighter character, but he can't find her because it's been so long since he's been a church that he doesn't even remember how church works.

Sort of. So, okay. So then he winds up in his dorky neighbor's place after that little, I'm sure there were some jokes in there that Mormons might have gotten. And this is where we meet the tattooed roommate who's not Mormon, right? The thing that Mormons think of when you say non-Mormon, yeah, I mean, it's still white because they're too terrified of a non-white guy. Well, right. Yeah, but he's like, he's got a mohawk and tattoos. And Orange here, and he drops cars out of fucking airplanes like a non-mormon would do. And basically the whole point of this scene is that his doorky Mormon friend is going to go to a potluck

and Cammy's going to be there. So Jonathan can go if he would like to sexually harass her and stalk her some more. And this is where the roommate see we find out he's making lasagna and they make a big deal about it because it smells bad And he's like, yeah, well, I was out of mozzarella and it was Sunday, so I had to improvise. So okay, what the fuck does that mean? Are there blue laws for cheese? Are the fucking blue cheese laws? That would surprise me. You lost teeth. If that's true, you should know. Yeah, Right. You

guess. He was on a lot of my notes were like, I'm moving to Utah. This sounds amazing. But yeah, if there's blue laws about Jesus, big problem. All right. So and then of course he's he wants to go to the pot. Look, you got to bring something. So he brings some KFC and pretends he cooked it. All right. now we cut to the identical Mormon activity, right? Like over and over again in this movie, they go to different Mormon things. It's all the same fucking thing. Creepy guy is there being creepy to women again.

And then like they sit down to eat and we get like just the punchline of a Mormon joke. This is where they basically just say punchline and everyone laughs. Yeah. So this I did write my Mormon about this is a Mormon urban legend encouraging Mormon missionaries to accompany sisters, even when they're not supposed to because the urban legend goes that there were some sisters and the guy and they were like, they went to Jeffrey

Dahmer's house. And then later on when they asked why Jeffrey Dahmer didn't kill them, it was because of the brothers that were standing behind them. What? Wow. This is apparently like something they tell all the new male missionaries like, make sure you watch out for your little sisters because that's how some of them didn't get murdered by Jeffrey Dahmer and he was like, oh, no, that's a very common story. Everyone gets told it. And I was like, I don't want to fill my brain with this information.

That's so cool. Because now I know that now I'm gonna be on my deathbed and my grandchildren are gonna be like, grab my Eli, what's your wisdom? And I'll be like, you know, the Mormons say that Jeffrey Dahmer did it. Do you want to know how many sequels there were to Tribulation?

It's you. Everything in the movie, maybe feel like I'm in middle school and everybody like invented a new language to exclude me for spite and laugh constantly. Oh, and this is where we get, I believe our first athlete celebrity cameo. Who is this person? Is this the guy who walks over and calls some right? Yeah, this is Angel.

This is Wally Joyner known as brother angel because Wally Joyner's baseball player who's on the angels slayers. He's Mormon. Okay. Yeah. So for an outsider, this scene is a stranger walks over, says, Hey, guys, how you doing? You're fat. And then leaves. Yes. Oh, so can we point out like they know sometimes how jokes get set up, but they don't know how to knock them down, right? Because we

spent the whole last scene with the big, Hey, I made lasagna with feta cheese thing or whatever. And then in this scene, they're all eating and just the black dude turns to the guy who made the lasagna at one point and goes, man, your lasagna isn't very good. And that's it. That's it. We're done with the lasagna now. Oh, but we did pass the black del test, I guess, or whatever it is. He had a line specifically white people.

I don't know. Doesn't know because he says at one point I'm the only black guy sitting here, right? Yes, it was nice. A lot of this movie's friends are black here's here one now There he is and then oh my god. They do a fist bump and it's so nice. You can see The hate in this black I He's like man, don't do the fist bump. I can see you winding up and we're gonna try to do the fist bump. We don't do the fuck fuck you. Fine. Like his one line might as well be like,

hey, this is happening after 1978. Sure is black guy. You're a person. Yes. Here's your money. Please. All right. So then Jonathan runs into Kami and she's not impressed. She can tell he just bought KFC. Right. And this is where she gives him a talking to. She says, you say whatever you want and then if it doesn't work, you say you were just kidding. And I wrote in my notes, this movie predicted Twitter.

Well, I mean, that's how that phrase works. It is. It is. It is. Also, most of Eli's sentences in real life and Twitter. That's true. That's true. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So now he's at the mechanic because this entire movie is just whatever the writer was doing that day ends up being the scene, right? And the mechanics tall. It's classic. Yeah. It's Sean Bradley, by the way, this is another not particularly notable athlete who has more than years in the NBA and he's tall. He's tall guy. That's okay. And if you weren't aware of this, he was just a guy being like, I can have your car fixed soon. And he was like, great. That sounds fantastic. To be exceptionally tall,

bringing myself with water. Wake up. Wake up. Also, like his buddy went to the mechanic with him. That's fucking weird. You don't, you have, you bring along, are you bring a friend? It's like women in the bathroom, guys in the mechanic. Okay. Yeah. All right. Um, and this is where they make the Mormons Mormon cops choke. Right. They're like, oh, that reality cop show, the fuzz is come into Salt Lake City.

And they're like, huh, Mormon cops. What would that be like? What would that be? Like, would you say great, doodly doob set up? It's a great. Yeah. They are not pointing their guns at a black guy who's just trying to do his shopping. I wanted like CSI, SLC, and it's just like Walter White making lattes and a giant meth lab. Yeah, but instead all we get is cops going, hey, put down that gas roll and step away from the minivan.

Get it? Because they're Mormons. They have minivan's and they eat cast rolls. I just, I put my nose like, wow, they went all the way to outside to film that. Was it worth it? So okay. Now with nothing done, apparently, we cut back to his apartment and the bartender from before, the smoke and hot bartender calls him and she's

like, hey, would you like to get together and maybe have some sex? And he's like, oh, you are build ninth. Nine. Sorry, I'm going to sloppy seconds. Do you want some? We won't even need Lou because it'll be wet. Oh my goodness, it won't be wet. But you can have that. Oh my getting it won't be wet.

You can have that. But just as he's getting propositioned by an incredibly hot chick that wants to have sex with him, Mormons put a paper in his door and he decides to do that thing instead. So here's the thing I don't understand. What is a singles ward? Is it a dorm room or a jail? Why does he still live in one? Are they apartments set aside for Mormons? Here's the problem.

I asked this on Facebook and you all motherfuckers got weird and mysterious. You all put up your fucking flowered fans and you were like, oh, he he he. What is that? It was like it's a living center for Mormon youth that can sometimes be transitioned into a Huba state concert. I was like, what are you doing? Is it dorms? I think it is.

I think like they put all the single Mormons together, like in the lobster. Yeah. So what? Yeah. But instead of going out with the girl that's very clearly interested in him, he's going to go bother the girl that has made it clear every time he's seen him that she would not like to be bothered by him anymore. The message of this movie really is keep going stalker.

You'll break her eventually. Yeah, stalk women. Stalk women is the message of this movie. And look, I know that all romantic comedies have an aspect. Certainly from this time, have an aspect of like, keep stalking our tiger. But like, this is actually a huge problem in Mormonism, but a lot of our ex-mormon listeners pointed out when we were doing this movie because you believe that like, you knew them in the big existence.

Guys, do not take no for an answer and follow them like even after police reports have been filed and then of course the community is like, why are you being such a bitch about getting stuck? Maybe you did. Right. Right. Well, I mean, aren't they the ones fucking circulating a story that if you don't follow the women around and an annoying Jeffrey Dahmer's going to eat them?

They're not exactly discouraging this behavior. Alright, so now we go to family night at Mormonism, the thing he chose over having sex with a hot bartender chick. Yeah, and the first line we get is the preacher guy being talking about moron, the son of Nimrod from the book of Mormon and nobody laughs at morons, son of Nimrod, like really like moving on from Nimrod, Farts was the son of that guy falling down, like, come on. Well, again, this is one of those like self-aware moments where like, yeah, we get our thing as stooped, but we still, we still believe it in it for some reason though. And this is where we get the comedy spilling the earn moment, but it's so meta.

He turns to the guy next to me and goes, Hey, have you ever seen that movie meet the parents? Do you remember when they did this scene, but like better than us? Like not, not well, because that movie is actually pretty sloppy and like it sort of relies on the fact that like, oh, look, it's Robert De Niro, but like it was okay. And now we're going to do it way worse. And he's like, yeah, let's do it way worse. Yeah, right. No. And in order to get here, we have to just accept that this guy's in the habit of picking up cremation earns and juggling them. It's like if our podcast was just you guys like how did this get made?

That's Jason Manzook as he's lighting character. He's a character. And now we get another athlete that Eli didn't recognize. I on the other hand was about to goddamn hang myself. It was Steve fucking young. Steve young, as it turns out, Steve young, who if in case you're not aware, is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, only person ever to post eight seasons with a quarterback rating over 100,

highest quarterback rating of any quarterback ever. Fucking a whole of famer. Great, great, great, great grandson of Brigham Young. I had no fucking idea. Whoa. Oh, yeah. One of my childhood heroes here. Oh, he's brother, nine or he has brother, because he's a 40 minor brother.

Brother and brother, drafted by the Bucks. So funny. Real lazy. By the way, he says a quote here that Brigham Young said that if you're 25 and unmarried, you're a menace to society. And I was like, what the fun joke? Nope, that's a, that statement's probably apocryphal, but it gets repeated as a real thing all the time. And it's definitely something that an apostle said. So like, this is not a fun, like Mormons are making jokes. This is like, no, no, no, this is something we actually

believe. I mean, you've all heard this, right? So the Mormons are making jokes. This is like, no, no, no, this is something we actually believe. I mean, you've all heard this, right? So the Mormons watching would be like, I know, we're a menace to society. If you don't get married, before you get a gray hair. Now, I want to see these guys who made this movie do a remake of menace to society. Yeah.

Just me sitting by myself in a loft, getting side tackled by a Mormon cop. I want to see the transition at age 25 that they think happens to just like a single guy. He's 24. He turns 25. He just morphs into an African American werewolf all of a sudden. Like, also, I love the way they open this scene up because they like, they, they, they first to say and, and now brother and nine are will reiterate some of the words of Brigham young and I so want him to stand up and be like, people live on the sun. There are some people now.

Kill that Indian. Kill more Indians, right? Because that's what he's more known for. But no, they go with the apocryphal thing. It's this weird thing of them, like, just totally not acknowledging their genocidal history, right? Like, again, I grew up Jewish, but Jews aren't just like, and now, as Meyer Cahoney said, they're not worth a finger nail.

Do not do that. You just take that history and you bury it and you stop talking about those people entirely. Okay, so Jonathan goes to annoy Cammy some more and while he's annoying her, the bishop shows up and he's like, Hey, you're a comedian. You should be in our talent show. And I'm like, no, he's a grown up. That's a kid. They don't have for grownups.

They don't have talent shows. They speak for yourself. No, some of us have been waiting for someone to ask this to be part of the talent show. They developed a very specific hobby, the age of 20. I would crush a talent show right now. That's all I'm saying. Hey, so would I, but I'm not gonna,

because I'm not a fucking kid, so I'm not gonna go to one. Anyway, but no, but so they're a crisis. He's gonna. So he's gonna sign up. She's got a sign up sheet for like, if you'd like to come to the hospital and sexually harass me, here's the sign up sheet,

he's like, ooh, me. So he goes to sign up for that. And then we cut to a woman on the phone, so she's talking about a man because this movie This is the woman with the two high of standards for a husband T. He came back and And I hope you're ready because we're about to get a him hanging out with old people montage and Old people are the punchline like the the oldness of the person is the punchline

in every scene of this montage. Okay, I do want to talk about one person though. The woman he's helping with a piano music. Oh, with a hunchback, lady. That woman was broken in half, right? What the fuck happened to that human? Time doesn't do that. Yeah, time does, does do that sometimes.

She was a perfect right angle. She was a D square. Yeah, she was. She was. She's an inconvenient shape to get in Tetris. Like if that way, she was like, oh, really, I can't get a line old person down. I need a second one now. I'll put her under.

I have to do the thing where you get really fast under. I'm going her under. I have to do the thing where you get really fast under. I'm gonna get it. Alright, so and then of course while he's playing with the old people like one would play with puppies of one of the nurses turns to Camus says boy, he's here is great. I wonder who wouldn't be in love with that guy, huh? All right. And now we cut to one of the weirdest goddamn moments in the movie, because they're like, what we see is three guys looking at something as though it's porn.

And automatically, you know that it's going to be, oh, that's not porn. That's going to be the joke, but it takes forever for them to clue you in on what they are watching. Yeah. It's for me, it's cycled back to I was like, are they staring at a dick? No, it's going to be a joke. I know I think they're staring at a dick. They're staring at a dick. And then one of them is like, I had to wait until my dad got home for this. And I was like, are they going to get the talk for me? What is happening? And they've stringed out so far. Now it's a dick, right? But we learned that he got his missionary papers and he's been assigned to be a missionary in Boise, Idaho. And by he, by the way, we're talking about one of the random friends, the one of the

Mormon friends. Does it fucking matter? No, yeah, I've got him down as Boise for the rest of the fucking notes. But yeah, and they do this whole thing where they're like, apparently, if you live in Utah, Idaho is the only state you can make fun of, right? Like, that's the only one that seems even to you like a step down. So they're like, oh, wow, you're going to Idaho. Sounds great, man.

Just rescuing little refugee kids with measles, snake right in the back. So there's this missionary work to be done. Yeah, probably. Gonna get you a shot, son. Gonna get you a shot. I don't understand. Was he hoping for sub-Saharan Africa?

Like what is the goal when you're a missionary? Well, it's Orlando, isn't it? Yeah, then the missionary's? Yeah, I believe Orlando. I believe Orlando. We saw the play. So, but yeah, yeah, he's, but the thing is, is the way this joke works is that they're all like, oh, boy, see, that's great, man. And then they all rush off.

And then he gets really excited because he's actually happy to go to Boise. So this joke double doesn't make any fucking sense. And then we have the weird bit where Cammy accidentally locks herself out of her apartment while she's doing her laundry and then gets the cops called on her. And again, this comedy bit is non-existent. All you need to know is that there are so many moments

in this movie where they put 10, 20 minutes of time into like, ah, as a misunderstanding. As a movie. Right. No, it's like they were just, they just had a book of comedy concepts sitting next to them and didn't realize you had to fill in details. Yeah, they would run out of plot and he'd be like, all right, Dave, let's throw in another one caught by the cops trying to get into her own apartment. I don't know guys. It might

be a bit much, but let's do it. Let's do it. And would you know it? It just so happens that that throwaway line earlier about how the cops thing was coming to assault like city. they're gonna arrest her on the TV show. What? There he is. So embarrassing. And if that's not bad enough, the cops are your funny friend trying to make an 11 year old laugh.

No. No. No. One of them to cut to Henry Lewis Gates, just given a lecture at Harvard, getting the side tackled. Look, what the fuck? I was sorry. Somebody matching your description got reported in Utah. It's misunderstanding. Go have a beer. Yeah. Donald Trump. And then Jonathan comes to the rescue. He says, no, no, I know where she lives here. The cops

are like, oh, okay, well, then I guess this scene, nothing has happened at all, huh? Really? There is this weird moment though, where the officer finds this white powder in her laundry basket and he puts it in his mouth like the cocaine test. And I just wrote, that's right. This movie invented the tight pod challenge. What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do? You said it happens to heal from her shoe, there's like a cake up inside little popcorn. Surringe. All right, and so now we randomly move to a scene in which Jonathan and Boise are shopping. Boise wants a new camera for his mission and Jonathan needs a big TV so that we can have big TV jokes for the rest

of the fucking movie. This movie is like watching the inside of Jerry Seinfeld's trash can. How many channels there are? No, this is bullshit. I'm going to go. I hit my wife. So yeah, they don't know how comedy premise works. They think it's just name a thing. Yeah, that's it. Like, okay, guys, guys, great idea for comedy moment here. You know, TV salesman?

Yeah. No, I was done. I'm not. He's a good enough TV salesman. You know TV salesman. You know TV salesman. Gold. Yeah.

So TV salesman sure is humorously idiosyncratic isn't he though? He has weird idioms and what not so that's stuff about like TV's and okay, no Yeah, you guys were gonna take off with the idea Well, very similar to our writing process actually. Well, but that moment never happened in their writers room, though, right? Because with the guys is he, yeah, we really get to talk about TVs. They're like, God, it definitely. That's nine minutes.

Gold. So he brings this giant TV home that is a big cabinet TV pre flat screen. So it looks funny. And wouldn't you know it? The remote is comically large and difficult to figure out. I think they seem to think the remote has to get bigger in scale with the. Yeah, why would that be the case? I have no idea what the fuck they were thinking, okay, keep up guys, keep up.

So that morning, someone left a bunch of helium balloons tied to Jonathan's door before he went shopping. Now his friends find those balloons and decide to huff all the helium. And oh my God, this is when I realized this is the pot smoking montage in other movies. Yes. Yes. This is Mormon forgetting high. They all have helium and talk in funny voices. We need to make fear and loathing in Salt Lake City. Yes. We need a fear and loathing.

Just in a hotel room holding hands with two girls at the same time. All right. And as if this, as if this scene wasn't already weird enough, it turns out that inside those balloons, there were puzzle pieces that when assembled are a girl asking Jonathan to like a Mormon Sadie Hawking's dance. Yep. Preference. So preference. I asked my, I asked my resident Mormon. And apparently Mormons cannot ask each other out without everything being those annoying viral videos of prom puzzles. This is what I'm gonna say, 98% of their lives

to is back in puzzle pieces and balloons and Oreos on our car and back in magnets and just just fuck. This is what happens in your book. If you know it doesn't, there is a way I say, you want to go out and then maybe fuck us because I'm hoping to get to the fucking, but if you know there's no fucking, you're like, answer my riddles three. Yeah. And it's seen as a positive, but that's, yeah, terrifying. Like they're all explaining like, hey, you got to, you got to go out with this person because like, you know, they went through the trouble of inviting you with puzzle pieces

like a fucking serial killer. I'm trying to. I went through the trouble of inviting you with puzzle pieces like a fucking serial killer. So like, pro tip, don't accept invitations when the words are cut out from all different magazines, like a fucking ransom note. Maybe don't, maybe say no. Maybe that's a reason not to, I would say. But he doesn't know who's asked him out. It might be Cammy, so he has to go because she's second build. So he goes into the mystery date to the, to the food court, right? Like that's, that's where we are, right?

And this is where he turns to the camera again. And he's like, the thing about Mormon dating is that it's just also wacky and silly. And they do all these things, but it's actually really unhealthy. And this is where I was just like, look, you can't call yourself out in a movie, but then not fix it, right? Oh, yeah, if it is, then I want all forms of entertainment to be able to get away with this, including us. marketing aimed at victims of religious abuse. I'm an adult. I'm a slightly quieter adult. I pretend not to be, but I'm actually very similar to both of them in age.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, yeah. I wrote this. It's scripted. Every word is scripted. Okay, fellas, are you ready to grab what corner of this dying medium we can? I think too long about this ending.

I'll have a panic attack. My retirement is my mom dying. And now a sketch with one of the two voices we do. Improvisation. Improvisation. Improvisation. That's right. We talked about improvisation.

I hope you do that. That is. That's right. All right. So then the woman who asked him out shows up and she's not good at womaning, I guess, I don't, I don't understand what is wrong. She's a perfectly attractive woman that seems really into him giving him positive attention. Like this is a problem that beautiful women constantly

given him attention. Like what? I don't like. Does anybody have a nice loft insult like city? And again, we just need to emphasize this movie hates women so much. So much guy, you're talking to a bar who drops the seaworth in description of one of his exes. So much guy. You're talking to it a bar who drops the seward in description of one of his exes. So you need to pretend to get a cell phone call level so much. Yeah. All right. So he goes to this party with the bad date. And by the way, in this, in this scene, he's wearing a goofy looking tie that she brought him that matches her dress. And all of a sudden, the friends that are have nothing at all to say about his aluminum foil shirt earlier are making fun him with.

How do you know what to make fun of in that guy's wardrobe? How do you know what's not on purpose? And PS there's a Mormon scond the background. I'm going to know how to deal with it. They're nice. I'm not like. Okay. Yeah, right. It was, it was very weird. So, okay, and we have the little like, I guess this is another tee he Mormon joke. They show somebody spiking the punch with mountain dew.

Because we're perpetually infantilized as human beings. It's really sad. Dropping no-dose pills like roofies into drinks. All right. So the dance wraps up, but then everybody wants to get together and come to his house and watch his big new TV because they've got a DVD copy of Saturday's warrior. Gotta hate that I got that. Yeah, right.

I've seen that one. I'm pretty sure we own Saturday's warrior on D.D. One of us didn't get one. Yeah, sweet to it. We got one in Salt Lake City, actually. Okay. So everybody shows up to his place to watch TV and he doesn't really want them there. But he got talked into it and even Cammy's there with her date.

So that's super awkward. And then a guy gets up and he's like, Hey, guys, sorry, we don't somebody borrow Saturday's warrior. We don't have that. So everybody pulls out their machetes and shit, like ready to run themselves through and everything. He says, but we do have drum roll. God's army. I'm like, I've seen that too. Not only we've seen that, but like, that's not a party movie by any stretch of the imagination. No. Like, that was the movie when we did the last Mormon movie month where we were like,

everyone okay? We love you. Don't hurt yourselves. It's okay. It's okay, come get a hug. Come on, come on. And they're going to watch it like party fair. Question about God's army.

I think I missed that week. Was there a scene in God's army with a guy shitting? Did you watch a guy eating in that movie? Yeah, sort of. Yeah, like graphically? No, no, there's a scene where like a Blumkin camp, like what do you think happened in that movie that you miss?

Oh, based on the one I didn't miss, there was a guy with a Blumpkin cam and we're watching him shit from the perspective of a toilet. That's totally how God's army went, right? Elias and that's how it went. That's what happened. Yep, that's how it went. All right. But yeah, in the movie, I want to go on. Oh, no, what will you do? Yep. That's how it went. All right. But yeah, in the movie, oh, I want to go on. Oh,

no, what will you do? Yeah. But like, okay, so within this movie, though, all the people of the party start arguing about whether God's army is too controversial for them to watch because of the part where they take the picture of the guy when he's in the bathroom. That's what's at like people are leaving the party over this. By the way, I googled it and yes, this was a huge scandal, including a temporary ban from BYU. Wow. Amazing. All right, so and then of course we gotta watch

Mormon Dwight Shrute strike out a few more times, but then the other dorky guy falls in love with a girl, but she's dorky too because she need a dental work, which is dorky and unattractive apparently. Yeah, and they do the like slow moving their hands near, nearer to each other thing like you didn't any touch. Like it escalated so fast though, because it's supposed to be like slow move, slow move, pinky touch, hand hold, but then it's like fisting all of a sudden.

They're like going crazy. But the mouth brace thing is underrated. I would say I like it. I like it. Pretty hot actually. She wore it well. Yeah. I did. Nice. Yeah. All right. So then Jonathan. So there's not enough to drink. So Jonathan's got to go into his kitchen and make a cool aid literally make cool aid for his grown-up friends that are at his place. Such a weird fucking religion. And Kami comes in there to help, but he doesn't want her help, dammit. They're fighting and arguing because it's still act two.

But then they start kissing. Fucking what? Yes, they just, yeah, we leave them. They're arguing and then somebody comes in and they're making out It's a cool aid fight and it becomes wild least sexual before the Right, she's like I'll help with the spill stop. I'm helping with the spill No, you're not and their faces are getting closer and closer. Don't know. I'm ringing out the towel drink the trickle I'm ringing out the towel drink the trickle drink the trickle and then they're guessing Violently sexual all right Well, but now that the movies apparently gotten bored with its plot and decided to be a different movie where these two like each other

I guess we need a break to catch up. But first let me give it back through the hard sell here What's with this avocado toast? Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Fight out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the protracted conclusion of the singles ward. Hi, I'm Tony D. From Tony D's, Mormon Movie Comedy Hygiene's warehouse. Does your movie take place in the alien universe of a cult? Do you need some entirely inoffensive human-like interactions in order to call it a comedy?

Well then come on down to Tony D's Mormon Movie Comedy Hygiene's warehouse. We got food jokes, TV remote jokes, and lots and lots of inside jokes about your cult's terrible dark history. So come on down to Tony D's Mormon Movie Comedy Hygiene's warehouse. Your movie will be just like a real one. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left our hero. He was hosting an in-promptu God's army viewing party and we're going to rejoin the action with him cleaning up from his Mormon rager when the when the phone rings. It's Cammy saying that that last scene didn't make any sense. Right.

She's like, Hey, I, I regret all the kissing, but now that we're dating, do you want to have a Christian dating montage? Yes. Right. And we should point out, look, there is zero fucking chemistry, but like they are literally together because they're the top two build characters. Oh, without question, they might as well have matched these characters up in alphabetical order. That's how much sense they're dating makes. Although I will say when they're on their

date, we do get the restaurant with Christian music. It's got the, like the Christian jazz singer at the Italian place. And I just want want to say if everywhere in this universe has Christian music I want to see what this universe is like Wait, where am I? Oh, you got sucked into the TV while watching the singles ward so I want to listen to some tunes while you're here Yeah, I guess cool. Cool. You like rock? Sure.

Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon, Lennon Oh Jesus Jesus. Oh, God, make it stop. Are you telling me all music in this universe has changed to Christian? No.

Country music is atheist here. I got my dog and my truck and Jesus ain't real and that's fucking true no matter how you feel. It's still bad though. Yeah, still bad Really? Go around that So hell so hell We do believe in hell now and then we get they go they're they play they eat some dinner

Then they go to play a haunted mini golf Okay, please explain to me what happens with these people They go to play a haunted mini golf. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Please explain to me what happens with these people. Please. That's a Bob Hope thing. Yes. Who are these people?

I have no idea. You let just a couple of people that wanted to play through there, I guess. Oh, they got the guys playing through it mini golf. Yeah. Yeah. I think one of them was coach of the BYU football team for a long time. Oh, right. One of the most successful college football coaches ever. All right. There you go. But playing through it, mini golf, and he's got a bag of putters

because, you know, what a card like, the only club out of mini golf course. That's so funny. Yeah. So yeah, that's where the humor is in this scene. And then the important thing we learn is that she's going on a mission soon and he's super sad and disappointed because that means that they can't fuck. I mean, they're Mormon, which means they can't fuck, but I don't know. Anyway, but this is also the part where he has to now tell her that he's a divorce. Say, which is a big deal in Mormon universe. Apparently, yeah. Yeah, he's, he's 26 and single and he's like, yeah, that's basically the same thing as

like a 78 Pinto with a gas leak. And then they show up in the exploding. And I guess I'm like a 61 warhead from Russia with that's fun for me. My note here is just, I don't want to know what he is in more minutes. Yeah, right. It's just stunning and keep him in a cage, start lowering goats into it. Okay. I'm going to eat this goat, but I'm not happy.

And then okay, so he tells her he's divorced. Her response is people aren't perfect, Jonathan. And then he turns to the camera and he says, huh, no judgmental responses. Weird. Because Mormons literally don't know what a non-judgmental response would look like, right? They don't even understand that as a concept. Why doesn't she have any follow-up questions?

That's not a non-judgmental response. That's an insane one. You know, my wife left me and I went through divorce. I have that information now. Oh, the next one has a clown on it. All right. So the big date ends. He takes her out. They get to the door and he does the whole like you know

Hey, are we gonna make out again? The make it out was nice. He just throws cool eight in her face This out works But eventually they don't make out but they agree that he'll go to her church if she'll come see him do Comedy and I'm thinking no, I know But they agree that he'll go to her church if she'll come see him do comedy. And I'm thinking, no, I know comedians that have done a lot worse than that to try to fill it up. Not worth it. I would switch religions rather than go to someone's comedy show. Yeah.

I'd be like, Muslim. Yes. Sonia, no. Sorry, I can't make your open mic. I would love to sit next to your dad and mom though. I would, sounds like so much fun, but I have a funeral, my funeral that we got us. And then we get a montage of him being funny, but they know better than to use this guy trying to do comedy material. So we just see him talking with music playing over it. They couldn't write 15 seconds of comedy. No, no, I'd pay a lot, though, to see footage

of whatever he actually said when they shot that. Just like so. Laura Mipsum, am I right? Laura, I Lauren like this He's heavy petting with a stool instead of fucking a And then they move straight from there into a falling in love montage complete with a pretty woman moment with the boysy guy, right? Yeah. And then he covers her car in Oreos to ask her to go to some kind of ball thing and her friend is always talking about who she's going to marry eats the Oreos off the car. What the fuck?

I mean, if I, if I hadn't been around Heath this much, I would have thought that was a strange scene, but you know, well, my here was, okay, well, I mean, take a few more Oreos for your pocket. Don't just like take the one in the car is full of Oreos. There's a lot of those there. And then like a second later, she goes back and does that. I was like, yes, she really did. She took all of much more.

Well, for a six four guy, all I'm saying, maybe, maybe really happy. She took all of us more. Well, for a six four guy, all I'm saying. Maybe, maybe really happy. Yeah, that was the one. Yeah. That was the one. So 30% body fat. That's it. Yeah.

But they, yeah, they're just doing montages within montages. Yeah. It's like a montage of trope montages, which would actually be pretty funny if they did it on purpose. But the movie has zero self-awareness. So it's just stupid. It's like just the girl laughing at stuff and then they do the trying on clothes thing. They really do. And then a tandem bike ride. And I wanted them to go nuts. And like now like the bikes gay best friend is helping try on annoying couples like they could

have on the top. But. So okay. And we, this ends with them sitting together looking over Salt Lake City, talking about how good an idea, Mormonism sure was. Yes. Oh, okay. So first of all, there's two things here. The first is that they're trying to do the look at the bright lights of New York City scene, but they're trying to do it with Salt Lake City. Yeah. Okay. Salt Lake City has some lovely moments, but it doesn't. It's not the like, look over the George Washington bridge scene. They want it's like, look, a big stone square. It's there. It's dark, but it's there. It's dead time. You would be seeing a large stone square. Oh, dude. And the second thing is the spin that they're trying to put on Brigham Young.

It's like, you know, when Brigham Young built this place, he literally thought he was going to become a god of the sun. And say that, he knew it would last. He thought it was a swell idea. It was made from rocks. You see, you don't rot. Yeah. So we, so we wrap up their fall in a love bit. Meanwhile, the feds are showing up at the Mohawk tattoo guys place to arrest him for dropping the car out of the airplane. That keeps coming back. He just keeps going back.

That was his personality trait. Yeah, no, I was getting worried. There's like only 30 minutes left in the movie and that was a giant loose end that they've now fixed. So that's good. And by the way, and like as he's getting arrested, all the friends show up and they're like, yeah, that's that character always getting arrested for dropping cars out of airplanes. And apparently according to the IMDB page, they filmed this scene on 9-11, like the 9-11,

like that happened and they're like, the show must go on, guys, where we did not film this Mormon movie today. And so they did. So now we know it was the worst thing that happened to that date. So, all right, so we cut inside. They're all sitting around the table eating last supper style on the one side of the table. And that's when Jonathan gets paged. Apparently, his agent or something has booked him a six-week college tour, but he can't do it because he was like mid-montage at that.

You mean his agent offensive black voice? Yeah, that's the one, which was clearly a white person trying to give this movie more diversity. Yep, sure was, and not succeeding. Hey, Jonathan, how you doing, boom? I just hang it here with my sneakers. and not succeeding. Hey, how you doing, boom, I'm just hanging. Sneakers. Black. So he turns him down. He goes back into the room. and in the kitchen, his friends are arguing over whether

or not Steve Martin is the Mormon. No, he's not. He's not. No, he's an atheist. Yeah, but apparently there was a huge thing about Mormons trying to claim Steve Martin because at one point in an interview, he wore a ring that kind of looked like one of their rings. So for decades, there were rumors that he was a Mormon and it wasn't until 2002 that

he kind of came out and said, no, I'm not a fucking Mormon. And this movie was made in 2001. So like, you know, I get, I get why they're also the maker of battle star galactica is a Mormon apparently. Yep. And there's actually a lot of Mormon like tropes and shit thrown into battle star galactica. They actually pull a lot of stuff from, you know, Mormon legends and shit in the first like the early, early, early battle star galactica, they actually pull a lot of stuff from, you know, Marvin legends and shit in the first, like the early, early, early battle star galacticus. So yeah, that's the kind of shit that's in my head.

Anyway, so Beck Brigham battle star. All right. Then we get, can we get home from nursing, but her roommates have all left to go baptized dead people or something. And she's got her mission statement, like her envelope that tells her where she's going to be for the next however fucking long they send them away for. And again, it's a romantic comedy in an alien universe, right? Because there's all that like, oh, she's got this thing happening.

Like, should she go or should she stay? But it's in the crazy universe of this cult. So it's like, oh, yeah. I knew a boy before my mission papers came and I as I get it, I get it. Yeah. So, so it's in a giant packet whenever they get these things. I feel like that's, you know, one page letter,

like one sentence like your elder, go dig a well and Boise I'd hope. Yeah, I think it's, I feel like that's like, you know, one page letter like one sentence like your elder Go dig a well and boys the Idaho Bro kids in there and go end of letter like pack it feels like overkill. Yeah. Yeah, it seems like they're wasting some posters there But she so she goes to his comedy show she she wants to have somebody there to like read it with her or whatever So she goes to his comedy show and he's there sucking at comedy and I'm like, wow, he sucks, but strangely at this point, they admit it, right? Like they pan over his audience and they're just as bored as I am. But that's why he has to switch over to his anti-mormon material. Okay. This is so goddamn. Okay. So yeah, the audience loves his anti-mormon bits.

These are the most anodine fucking bleached out in offensive jokes you could possibly make about human beings, right? Like there's nothing remotely offensive in his comedy. But can he react to it? Like he's reenacting the aristocrats. But with actual kids. Yes, she is not, she's going to go full animals girlfriend here and storm out in a fucking place.

That's just for us. And then she storms out and that's when bitchy bartender is there to be caddy. Yes. And again, it's just like a real romantic comedy, right? There's always the person who comes in and is like, yeah, he's fucking all sorts of women or he's doing this or he's doing that because it's a Mormon movie. She's like, yep, he tells those jokes all the time. You should hear him when he gets some alcohol in him. That's all go. And by the way, if you're

wondering how poorly written this goddamn movie is, the opening of her line, I shit you not is a non ironic, well, well, well, literally. I'm a bad guy. As you can see, I have this cigarette. Yeah. She's like, she's like ready to have a clitoris duel with this one. Like, tumbleweed going by. I'm also ready for them to have a clitoris duel with this one. Like, we tumbleweed going by. I'm also ready for them to have a

clitoris. Yeah, no, that would be delightful. And by the way, Cammy is literally crying over his like, Mormons be making caseroes like this jokes, right?

She's stopping. Yeah, yeah, like she just lost her dog. So, okay, she goes out to the parking lot. Jonathan finds out she's out there. And he's like, oh, fuck, I was making G-rated jokes about Mormonism. I bet she's crushed. I'm allowed to say the M word. That is all right. She's crying and yelling. It was puns. I made Mormon puns. This is right. And this is time for again, the big revelation moment, right?

She's like, you stopped going to church because you just don't want to do whatever we tell you to. And he's like, that's exactly what I said. Well, don't, don't blame us on you. It's not about that. It's about making the right choice, which just happens to be exactly what we say. Right. Yeah, exactly.

Well, I love this because it becomes so goddamn weird. It gets so far off topic, but she turns to him and she's like, don't blame your bad marriage on the institution that pushed you into marriage at the age of 19. How could it possibly be Mormonism's fault? And then they just sit there like, yeah, wow, that is. Fuck, you want to end this scene? Oh, we should go. We should maybe end the movie. Yeah, right. No, we got another 75 minutes. Another 75. Yeah. We're gonna run down. We're gonna tie up all the plot threads. Who marries? Who

trust me? All right, but first we're going to need a stalking montage. Yeah, this time phone stalking. Yeah, the only reason I want to bring this up is there's this tiny moment where he goes, I mean, when a girl says she's praying and then turns you down, you can't ask her to ask again. Remember what happened to Martin Harris? And I'm like, okay, first of all, Martin Harris is the guy who's like, hey, my wife said that if you really transletting out of a book, I could hide these pages and you'd be able to do it again. And Joe's death was like, fuck, no. That is insane.

I don't want a million dollars. You know, everybody doesn't want a million dollars from James Randy. Yeah, busy. I'm plenty. Don't make plenty of money in the earth as a long Island medium. I'm learning channel. Right, but this has become a joke about like don't take out off by asking too many questions among the Mormons. Yeah, but that's so fucking obscure like Martin Harris. Am I right?

Right? Right? So fucking obscure like Martin Harris am I right right? Right right right? Need the fucking end notes to infinite just understand this movie. Bryce Blankenegle just sitting next to me the whole time explaining stuff. Yeah. And again, if you're a Mormon, we say this all the time for Christian movies, but especially if you're a Mormon, it's your movie. Don't bring up Martin Harris.

You don't bring up Paul Pot. He's probably got some interesting atheism shit to say. It's just we don Don't bring up Martin Harris. Yeah. Bring up old pot. He's probably got some interesting atheism shit to say. It's just we don't know about it. I don't know. Maybe there was a guy in China. Maybe there wasn't. Some about collectivism. Just don't bring it up. Don't bring it up. All right. So he decides now that she's she's going to go on her mission statement because fuck him and his Mormon jokes. So he's going to go on that comedy tour after all. Yes. And to sell the, he's touring college things, they have literally hung up this cheap ass banner behind them that says University of Missouri, not even in the right colors for the school. There's going to be a post it on the well. It says University of Missouri, just a giant, but like in case people forget where they

are, they can look at the curtain of the theater is, oh, this is a theater at University of Missouri in case you guys remember, where are you? Okay, University of Missouri. So I've done college gigs. This is way too big for it. All right, if he was in a cafeteria performing for four crying freshmen, it'd be a college gig, right? I miss my dad.

Well, I'm going to need you to take a card anyway, kiddo. I'm going to need you to take a card anyway. And by the way, the whole reason it's University of Missouri is so they can hit them up with one of these like jokes about Mormon revisionist version of state history that wouldn't make any sense to anyone who wasn't a Mormon that believed in their revisionist version of Missouri state history. Yeah, again, with the ridiculously obscure like the Missouri more and more of 1838, am I right? Right. This guy knows what we're talking about.

It's got definitely this red 19 year old. Yeah, I'm sure he'll get this one, but they also have to show that while he's on his his comedy tour, he's flirting with an awful lot of sin. They show him at a bar and he maybe drinks an alcohol, maybe doesn't. He gambles with cards. He pleads with vagina people. Yes. Yeah. I was really concerned about where this montage was going. Do all the bad stuff from old timey musicals. Yeah. Right. He starts dancing with Kevin Bacon.

You know, you'll never get to be a real boy that way. And then they, by the way, they end this montage with an equally cheap university of Florida sign in the same font. And I guarantee you that that is the other side of the University of Miami. I bet everything on it. Everything. And through all of this, by the way, they're interspersing his being sinful montage with her getting ready to go on her mission montage

and they're trying to do like the back and forth of, oh, look how wholesome her thing is, ooh, look how evil his thing is. And just like cutting in halfway through one sentence and then finishing it. Yeah. They get it wrong. They fucking up so bad. The first one he's at the bar and somebody's like, Hey, man, I got to next drink for the comedian. What are you drinking? And he goes, I'll have a. Can we cut? Literally, they couldn't think of a drink name beer.

They couldn't think of the word beer would have worse, just seeing, but then they cut to her, Cammy being like marvelous work and a wonder, which are not the names of drinks. Or fed into that sense of law. I think it's a long book, maybe. Yeah. But I really wanted this montage to just keep going

and get darker and darker every time. So are y'all set for your trip? Yep, I've got my mission Bible, my pamphlets, and my crack pipe, switch blade, and don't forget your cozy sweater in case it gets cold. I can't wait to reach out to all the prostitutes But that's okay because you're paying them to leave am I right and wrong? Honestly, I'm just so honored to help me bear in this body or what?

Yeah Okay, and then so we end the montage. He's back home uh, and now he's just laying in a bed and Somebody's crying. I really don't know where the fuck they are in relation to the rest of this scene Who was that? I just a woman weeping into a microphone like that's the second time a character that's completely Unread his movie is crying for no reason that happens twice. I have yeah I don't even think that was like an inside joke. I think that that was like an accident in the edit. Actual.

I don't think you can take that time. I have, I don't know. So and then we get this weird bit where like he's coming back from his laundry and the dammit. Moreman Bisherbrick is showed up in his house and then he tries to hide but the cops are in the bushes for no reason. What the fuck is happening again? showed up in his house and then he tries to hide, but the cops are in the bushes for no reason. What the fuck is happening again?

It's just, it's like they had a whiteboard and on it was written callbacks and it was underlined a bunch of times but they didn't understand it like, we've got to be comedy callbacks. It just, it's not just saying. Right, oh no, he was doing laundry earlier. So now this is a callback to him.

Television's. What? At this point, I'm like, they're just fucking with anybody who happens to be trying to take notes. They knew. Also, by the way, he found a way to top the silver shirt. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. It is pretty amazing. He puts on another shirt. Like we've had a series of worse and worse shirts like he was buying shirts at Hot Topic with Roy Moore this whole time. And now it's the pinnacle. He's got it's it's like he's on a date rape themed bowling team. It's sponsored by the Elon Musk flame thrower company. It's ridiculous. Yeah, I had him as playing on a motorcycle stunt man

themed bowling team from the 50s. With also with dragon scales somehow. Yeah. Wow. And Hardy was like, all right, man. You look like a douchebag. You look like an asshole. You look ridiculous. I'm gonna get back to putting something

in this girl's drink. She's 15. So you're making me look ridiculous. I'm gonna get back to putting something in this girl's drink. She's 15. You're making me look bad. So, so now incredibly attractive bartender who clearly wants to date him invites him out for a fuck. Right. And she tries to fuck him, but he's just too Mormon. Right. He goes to her house and by the way, I've known some servers at comedy clubs and yes, they all live in lovely full colonial with full living. Yeah, right. I got to get in the serving at comedy club business. Yeah. She lives on the top floor. And I'm pretty sure it's the

same building as a profit monsoon, the guy like right across the street from the temple with a huge thing. I want to go to that apartment when he died. I think your Patreon goal. Let's try to buy that for spice. Let's buy that for a bit. We'll turn it into something with a rainbow on it. That'll piss him off. As someone who has spent a tremendous amount of their search lovingly running their fingers

down the Zillow listings for Salt Lake City, I can tell you we can probably afford that apartment to show. Oh, that would be pretty amazing like that, that rainbow house next to the Westboro Baptist. We could do that for Mormons. That's good idea. Or, or we join the Mormons and have a bunch of delicious snacks and live happily ever after. Okay. So both. That's it. Just me next week, guys. Sorry. It doesn't mean. All right. So then he turns back to the camera. She goes into change, right? But she's already almost naked,

but she wants to be almost her naked. So he goes into, she goes into change. He turns to the camera, he's like, wow, I had a really successful date, and now there's a beautiful woman that wants to have sex with me. Boy, it's the secular life bad. That's what we're trying to establish.

It rejects her here. It's ridiculous. He's like, yeah, this is all beautiful. We haven't a wonderful date. However, slut. Poor, slut, mother of all Harlicks. Poor slut, more. And he's a bitch. And again, it's just a marker of how much this movie

hates women that the day new moon of this movie is treating a woman who was super nice to him like shit. Yeah, it's not like, I'm sorry, there's someone else. He's just like, fuck you. He might as well slide into home base as he gets out of her apartment. She's like, I was nothing but nice to you. All right, so now he drives away, but don't worry, there's piano music playing. So we're close, guys, we're close. And he goes back to one of the spots from one of the montages, because this

movie's too poorly written to have a meaningful place for him to go to think about her. Like, how fucking easy is that? Too hard for these guys. And then he gonna have some memories but not about her. Nope. His childhood. Yeah, he's just having memories of being happy in the Mormon church like he broke up with the church. Exactly. There should have shots of him and bring him young together.

Yeah. Club Med in a hammock and then trying on dresses sit next to each other in bathtub The lady in the tramps forgetty thing Bring them young show them how to scalp a native child as yeah And then of course because this is a Christian movie we need a montage that includes moments from this movie and then For a first a montage that contains moments from this movie and then for a first, a montage that contains moments from this montage. Yes.

What the fuck was happening? We're falling into an infinite inception well of fucking mirrors across from each other. Montageers. Yeah, it was terrifying. Oh, all right. And then we cut to him. He's fallen asleep in his car, right? And there's two kids the next morning wondering if he's dead.

Yeah, what like was that? There's a really weird version of Stan by me going on here. It's supposed to be an nostalgia thing like, yeah, remember you and your child and me and my friends would walk around looking for corpses. Run bubble gum at him. Run but yeah, and by the way that's their solution is they fight like do you think he's dead? He's like I don't know throw some gum on his face and find out They said gum But now right you come to the gene I got nothing you guys do jokes, but yeah, you come to the gene. Yeah. I got nothing.

You guys do jokes. But yeah, so they throw gum on him and he wakes up and then they freak out and run away, steps out of the car. Right. And he's giving this like, Oh, I realize I really should be a church member monologue. And I wanted it to pan down and there's a dead teenager tangled up in his wheels. Yeah, I get covered in the bubble gum. Or something else. Whatever.

And he turns to the camera and he goes, and you know, I want to be a Mormon now. And it's not because the girl I like will only fuck me if I'm a Mormon. It's because she'll only fuck me if I want to be a Mormon. And then his friends show up and they fuck up the fourth wall breaking bit. I stopped looking at the camera. I hate him so much. I want the fourth wall to fly in and him in the face. He's the worst. Jimmy Fallon would walk in and be like, Hey man, you know what?

Just like if you don't have anything funny to say, don't check in with the audience. You have to go ruffle a Nazis hair. Oh, white women singing black people's songs. Are you guys watching? Are you watching? Hi. I'm James Fallon. I'm on the TV.

Fuck my life. No, it's this. All right. So, no, my friends have showed up. All right. So, his friends have shown up the fuck up his monologue and bungee another car because this throwaway joke is the goddamn plot at this point. Right. Well, because otherwise they would literally have to walk over and be like, hey, we've literally hit every comedy trope in every movie,

ever except for the airport chase. You want to do the airport chase? Let's do the airport chase. Yeah. So, okay, yeah, and his car won't start again. So he has to take the car that they were going to bungee jump and drive to the airport there. And this becomes a fucking contest, right? Of how many cliches can we fit into the next, it's like the adolescent cliches they had to get through and they're like, fuck, guys, we gotta get all of them in the next five minutes. genuinely like he eats baffling is like, oh, airport security, running up the down escalator like, is that a dog?

Apple cards, just whatever possible. No, this is literally it. Okay, I wrote them down as like driving over sidewalks, sliding over the hood of the car to get in, jumping the car over something, driving by a surprise pedestrian in a non driving spot, finding a parking spot right in front of a place where that would never happen. Escalator shenanigans sliding together on a wet floor, I forgot stopping I chased a flirt with a pretty girl. Yes. And this is all to culminate in stopping her at the airport. Oh, he starts running into other movie characters.

Slice alone trying to catch his moms in the way and Ross and Rachel. Fjellers try to get home. Crocodile Dundee at the subway. There's a subway in the airport because fuck you. And he crawls over airport security open every's heads. And then yeah, he does the hood slide. They literally do the hood slide and like dukes of hazard guys, smashes into him, go on the other way across. Like knocks into the kid from love, actually. Sorry. So is it next car's fly?

All right, but he finally catches up with her. And he tells her that she shouldn't go and he loves her and he wants to get married. Because you know, when things aren't going well proposed, that's usually a good move. Hey, hey, he can I from, are from upstate New York. Some people believe in that know, uh, some people. And then we get another air quotes celebrity cameo. Oh, he's a random old guy. Who is that? He is my favorite. I didn't know he was famous. I'm assuming he is because otherwise this makes no fucking sense, right?

He's the best though. He's just, he's just standing behind in the airplane line and he's like, what the fuck boo? What do you like? Awesome. I love it. Like you would actually do. Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, exactly. But she loves him too, but she needs some time away. That's, this is two. It's not you. It's me, movies. In a row for us, but she leaves. God apparently needs her in Sydney, Australia. I'm like, guys, it's already pretty delight some there.

They're fine, but pretty great. Yeah. Yeah, but she heads out to do her fucking mission anyway, even though he did catch her. And then we fast forward to after her mission. Okay, did she go on her mission though? Because I don't know. Okay, because this is super confusing and I'm sorry to jump ahead, but they're married now.

And we think he's picking her up from her mission, but they're married. But we never saw her get off the plane. Yeah, like for a movie, the drug everything out for 50 years, the main characters falling in love, making up and getting together and getting married all happens off camera without our knowledge. Yes. Yeah. So get ready for that. And after a scene where she's like, no, I am leaving. Yeah, right. Right. So, okay. So this is how that all unfolds. We, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, yeah, player. He's on the Utah Jazz for a little bit. He's a singer too. He owns a lawn care company in Provo, I think, now. And that's two black people. So token that Trump would be the wrong word now. Yeah. Like this whole scene might as well just be John

reading a list of mediocre professional athletes who happen to be Mormon. Yeah. Right. 20 minutes. But with caveats of like black guy, uh, Tajeon, other black guy to say to humor to be Mormon. Um, okay. So he's here to pick up the dude from boy that went to Boise.

All the characters are here. In fact, and for some reason the music is Mr. Rogers scene change and there's no reason why that should be so but it is and Then he goes home from that scene and The girl came is just there and they're together now Yep, that's it and married and that's and then like the movie ends literally he's just like I I'm we're married now the

Yes am I crazy like the fucking plot was so profundry that they themselves didn't feel the need to wrap it up They're like you know what's gonna fucking the guy meets girl. It's uh-huh and then they try for their breakfast club clothes, but they don't realize that something funny or interesting or related to the character is supposed to happen with each of these people. So a lot of it's just like, this guy is now a husband with some kids. These fictional characters. Yeah. There was some not funny stuff, but there was some fucking weird stuff in this

little pose. So Zach, the bungee car jumper guy, he went to jail for four months for doing that and for running through airport security. And that's where he fell in love with a man named after glow. I don't know what I don't know what after glow is. I had no fucking idea, no clue. Okay. Well, there's a picture of him and a man with their arms around each other. So maybe it was a really fairly impressive moment about I think he fell in love with after glow, which is a thing. An unknown. It's a noun. Yeah, yeah, like a product or something. Because the next time we see him, he doesn't have the same hair, maybe it's a hair thing. And I don't know.

It's old glow. Yeah, exactly, exactly. It's like soul glow from Mormons. We'll go with that. Why the fuck not? They're a Mormon band. They're a Mormon band. I Google it every month.

Oh, okay. All right, that's it. That's it. But I love he's ending to this. That he just got gay married to a guy from prison. And he's a man. to a guy from prison. That's a great name. I'm gonna, my name's gonna be hell yeah, man. Hell yeah.

Straight porn, I guess whatever porn. I don't know why it was so hard to be gay, but it could be any. So and then we carry on. Perfect husband lady got a really creepy husband that sucked. Boise became a super Mormon, apparently. Yeah, the nerdy guy wears hip clothes now, which they're pretty sure hip clothes are remuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts. That's what they seem to think those are.

Like big and baggy shorts, like the Lamanites wear. Oh, yeah. And I love this part too. Where it's like, hi, Rom, you know, got married and had kids and like, who the fuck is Hi, Rom? He's a friend six and you had nothing to say. Why not just leave him out of it? And then perv, dude, uh, Mormon Dwight Shrute, he ordered a wife online.

Next virtual binders of different That was a weird moment. And then Cammy went on to write Mormon movies, live in the dream, y'all. Wait, I thought it was John became a movie writer. Oh, was that okay? That because the guy and Cammy went on to pursue a career as a uterus. Mom did what you think about it is a job all that. That's self.

That's it. All right. All right. All right. Well, to close things off tonight, I guess I'm going to ask the question that's on everybody's mind, what would be too boring to make a Mormon movie out of? Um, is this a Zen Khoan? I'm going to sit under a tree for 10 years on the back. Okay.

Move, move, move, you got it. Move, you hear that? Two boy, oh, uh, Mormon sex. Yeah. No, you're right. You're right. I think so. All right.

Well, that's going to do it for our review of the singles. But that's not going to do it for the episode yet, because we still need to make your naughty bits tingle over next week's selection. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Gods army to states of grace. We promise this time for real. Yeah. Right. Real. So if you watched it, it's going to pay off this time. Yeah.

Promise. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 149 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a pre episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to live in this five show review on iTunes. And by sharing this show on all your various social media platforms. Any of you enjoyed this show,

be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a, the excitation needed and the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies. gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Taurus.

Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slott, Nick Leavill, Drafts on Mars. Oh, other musicals written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath N. in Eli Boznik, I'm Noah Luzon's promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Eli turned Twitter into a singles ward for Heath. It's going going pretty great actually.

Noah realized too late that he'd left his binders joke out of the Mormon pickup lines thing. Fuck, I had a good binders joke. The star of this movie is an actual ex-mormon who's currently on Broadway and was in the PT Barnum movie because there is no God. Upon realizing the bartender was Danny Anges' wife, Noah went out and started working on his three pointers. To that was. He's gonna confessor. Stop it.

He's gonna, don't worry. He's gonna use his powers of reason. Yeah, quietly. What do you keep barking? I can't breathe. It's because I can't breathe. I can never breathe. That's why I always bark. It's cruel, cruel life.

But I think they're back now. So that's gonna stop them. Okay. Imagine a CPAP machine got knocked out of place. Sorry Morgan, we're going to have a little pause there. Okay. I think we're the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2018. All rights reserved.