God Awful Movies - 15: Gam015 Prodigal Planet

Episode Date: December 1, 2015

In this week's episode, Eli and Noah reach the belated end of the Thief in the Night quadrilogy with a story of fiction's tidiest nuclear disaster.  Join the petulant Christian, the sheep-haired 80s chick, the nuclear biologist, Jimmy the Mutant, and a sentient stocking full of mashed potatoes as they navigate the post-apocalyptic hellscape of radiation and helicopters.---If you'd like to hear more from Evil Giraffes on Mars, check out their Facebook page.If you'd like to hear more from Anna Phyllis Smith, check out her website.

Un chapuzón, con el hábito, tu serie favorita y en medio de tu siesta. ¡Ey! ¿Has visto esta? No sabes la de planazos que hay este verano en Guésville Parque Sur, con ciertas obsesiones con DJs, clases de yoga, talleres con martes y actividades con niños, te apuntas. Un sueño de verano, Bayguésville Parque Sur. I'm gonna take a break real quick. I'm gonna run have a smoke while you're I'm like a pages of notes. This is physical appearance. I couldn't stop. Oh good cuz I mean we're gonna have some really boring Jesus talk that we're gonna have to spice up so anytime it starts getting boring just throw another one out

She looks like a witch brought a chicken nugget to life God awful Movie Movie MOVIE! MOVIE! Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema in order to put horrors like cancer and Sandra Bullock's Oscar into perspective. I'm your host, Noah Luzon, since sitting 989 miles to my right as my good friend Eli Bosnicki. Eli, welcome back. Oh, I'm glad to be here. Glad to be here. Especially since this means that we don't have to watch any more thief in the night movies. Then sweet baby Jesus. Oh yes.

And unfortunately, of course, Heath's been absent long enough now that I've kind of run out of. I promise he's not dead jokes, but we do plan on having him back next week. Notice I said plan, not hope, which is what I said the last couple of times. So assuming that we get a lightning storm sometime in the next seven days, Heath will be back for the next episode. This whole drama going on in Asgard right now, we don't really want to talk about it. It's just a whole thing with his dad. We don't. When he comes back, though, he'll be the same age he was when he left. That's the important thing. Yeah, it's fun or younger. So today we're going to be breaking down, as I already alluded alluded to the fourth film in the

Theep in the Night Quadriloogy Prodigal Planet. Proving that there's no such thing as too bad to jump the shark, the final installment in this series continues the adventures of David who apparently managed to survive the last movie after encouraging the four-year-old to get murdered. It's the story of a scrappy band of survivors cast upon the hellish aftermath of Fiction's tidesc nuclear holocaust in a desperate effort to get them a guff into the place before the time, while perpetually babbling about Jesus as often as humanly possible. So Eli, tell me how bad was this movie? Well, if you watch the previous movies and you thought to yourself, man, there's not enough conversations about Jesus.

You're in luck because this movie is 95% people driving and being like well, I'll tell you I'm gonna I thought of another reason you're going now This is basically I'm listen, I know everyone just got through Thanksgiving. You're crazy Christian uncle who you had to be like Yeah, I mean I it's a full gel. I, huh? That's this except they all played dress up All played dress up and they all had parts, but it really was just your crazy Uncle Jerry Who wants to tell you where are where do you get morals from I don't know Uncle Jerry? I get him from you you hit your wife

You can't ask me that question you bastard're bastard. All right, so like, yeah, I mean, okay, so the first movie was like 58 minutes, and the next one was an hour and 10, and the third one was an hour and a half, and this one was like two fucking hours, and all that's expanded is the amount of time we spend saying, well, some people don't seem to understand that when Jesus said this, what he really meant

is that he was gonna fucking the ass with a big, long, spiky rod. And that's all we've, I you know that and helicopters it and just more and more of that right it's basically now i know this book that god wrote that is perfect seems super run clear and that's why i'm having to spend most of this movie explain it but no it's actually super clear it's just let me explain it's so clear in fact that it would be just fine to send you to hell for not getting it i i gotta say i was super disappointed with this one i mean i shouldn't go on in with expectations but

after the first three i was expecting good crazy and in this one there were no locust no guillotine's no dead bodies no old lady apocalypse conversation over gingerbread cookies. This was to the other three movies as the prequels were to the Star Wars film. Or if you're my age as return to the Jedi was to the other two before we had the prequels to compare that one to so two responses to that one Ewoks. I love the Ewoks. And two, um, this movie has Mutant Michael Sarah. You deserve a spanking.

Yes, it does. Ronda Rousey's Downs Baby Sister. So we've got a lot to look forward to. We also have a musical computer virus. Well, yeah, you know, Jerry's womanly scream. We've got a lot going on. Listen, tune in kids, because I disagree. I think that this is, I think this is the episode two of the series. It wasn't good. But there was that to part where

Yoda fought with the thing and he's been around. Okay, all right. Yeah. That's what this is. There's some cool things. So definitely not good. The very worst of the movie is still, yes. But but there's still the Yoda's seem to look forward look for it okay well then that brings me right around this bit that i want to reprise one last time uh... i want you to rate this movie on its constituent parts now this will be a four point scale as in where does it fall in the series one being the best for being the worst so where would you rate this one in terms of production quality uh... this is the highest production quality i think it's safe to say they just kept going up as they went.

All right, where would it rate in just peer out crazy bullshit? Two. Second only to the previous movie. Yeah, yeah, okay, I think that's fair. And facial hair? Fourth place, fourth place. Hardly any crazy facial hair. That was one of the most disappointing things

about this whole fucking thing. I expected Jerry's beard to be a full-man shoe at this point Maybe sentient he uses it to pick up a coke I was I was disappointed. I got admit. I had my heart broken a little bit. I don't want to talk about All right, and I've asked this about all of them But where would this rank and terms of soundtrack? See now this is number two because this is the only other movie aside from the first one that opens with a 95 minute long song about Jesus which is apparently written by someone who's never

heard music before. It's it is like imagine Johnny Cash did all the acid and then got locked into a church. That's the first four minutes of this. Just Jesus Christ is going to come and take your biscuits. I'll tell you what. There's never been a less appropriate music for the lyrics, you know? Because it's just like it's like this burlives tune except that you're getting, you know, you're you're going to be raped in the butt by demons, yes you are. Yeah, yeah. All right. All the appeal of the Conway Twitty sections of family.

Oh, I get it. You made me want to song. Yeah, there you go. All right, and finally, how would it rank in total number of biblical quotations? First place. I want to make sure it got first and at least one of the categories, so I added oh so much first place. Holy shit I mean we get Thessalonians we get John we get Jude We get John 316 so many times in this movie I was like how long do this movie take to make did they make it all in one cut and Forgot they had already used that quote is like 85 times he says to the same person He's like, you know John 316. I would have turned to him and been like hey man. You've told me that four times

I know what that says now All right, well nothing has ever made me want to watch a Kevin Sorbo movie more than fighting my way through this endless Fucking series and it's almost over. So, in an effort to hasten the part of my life where I never have to think about Thief in the Night again, we'll keep the intro short, hop on a quick break, and come right back to break down the bucket of just shut the fuck up that is Prodigal Planet. Eternity Movies without end What profit can there be in watching all these motherfucking movies?

Watching these movies for an eternity? Not one thing our Patreon donors or fans could offer us in exchange for our soul could take our guilt away. Jesus Christ, He's movie's suck. My friends, there's no chance I'll ever be able to forget these fucking movies. These fucking movies. Our time is quickly gone

And you put this in your face Our only hope is weed and the funny parts, the helicopter chase. Not one thing our listeners offer you, in exchange for your soul Can make these movies peel ass Like putting snakes in your ass hole Just this moment is yours to spend Let it's back to this film They all last an eternity

I hate this fucking movie Yes, they last any training I hate this fucking movie And we're back for the breakdown of part 611 of the Russell S. Dotton shouldn't be allowed to have pointy objects film series. And for Prodigo Planet, we're going to start off with Jesus quotes again, yes, but this time, it's motherfucking space, quotes that's right yes we've got hyper drive yeah you're in that part of space where stars fly by you right exactly uh and we start off with a quote from Joel yes uh uh uh of all fucking books and there's no better way to say we as a

movie are scraping the bottom of the biblical quote, then to quote Joel. We had to go minor profits, motherfucker. It's something about the people in the wilderness or whatever, but we learned according to the voice over that the planet earth is dying and its disease is sin. I could just, I loved the idea of earth being at the doctor, or whatever, and getting the diagnosis. Right, earth has to call Mars up. Hey, how are you? Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I haven't

called it, it's been so busy, we're work. Anyways, like crazy. I don't know if you gave me sin or like, I gave, oh yeah, I mean, I know I have humans and you don't, but like, my doctor told me to call anybody I'd pan sperm you'd with in the last you know six billion years so yeah I know I just put the robot in but like I don't know the robot might have some sense you might want to get we didn't make it all that good I like how he goes the doomsday clock is re he's like trying to do the doomsday clock as though the doomsday clock is counting down to the Christian apocalypse yeah right which it is not at all the doomsday clock is counting down to the Christian apocalypse. Yeah, right. Which it is not at all.

The doomsday clock is once together all the climate scientists in the world get together for a week and a half and go, guys, we really mean it. You have to not pour all the oil into the water. Look, look, we're taking an hour off. That's how fuck you did. We're now it's two o'clock in the afternoon with the death scale and we die at Free or something who knows just guys come on cut it out now I'll tell you what this this whole opening I think makes a hell of a lot more sense if you were really cognizant of world events during the 80s And and you recognize just how freaked the fuck out people were that we were gonna get nook did any minute Right looking back on it now it seems a little you know it's

it's obviously an agronistic but the idea that they would be tapping into that as hey the apocalypse is coming in the middle like why wouldn't they be at that point sure we a listen play on any paranoia you can use the right to zeitgeist the day if they made it if they made a new one of these they would be like you know the government dot nine eleven and that's why the right yes if you're gonna be all these Syrian refugees and then Paris is gonna get attacked right here you know see a black bad thing who knows the truth you said a pyramid ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Alright, so enough of this stupid fucking intro. Now we get back to David who if you recall was heading off to have his head chopped off in a guillotine.

So we see that scene and there's this weird flashback that we have to him and his brother died when he was a kid. His mom being like, you need to talk to me about Jesus and David just being like, I'm not ready yet to talk. No one's ever been not ready yet to talk about Jesus except in this movie. In this movie, it's like dessert. It's like, oh, you ready for some pot? No. I'm still a little fall.

I'll get some Jesus in a bit. You guys start without me. I had a big lunch and I don't want to need Jesus right now. Again, there's no atheist in this movie. There's no Muslims in a bit. You guys start without me. I just, I had a big lunch and I don't want any Jesus right now. Again, there's no atheists in this movie. There's no Muslims in this, and this entire fucking film series is also nobody who's not white in this entire film series. But there's only people who are Christians

that haven't consummated their relationship with Jesus or whatever, that's all you get. You don't get people who are just like, no, nobody just believe in you. they just like yeah exactly exactly they believe in heaven and hell and they believe in Jesus no but they won't save the magic Jesus words or whatever yeah it's it's the equivalent of getting your license renewed or your passport in this movie it's just like I know I need to do it I just had not taken Christ as my personal savior I'm to do it. I just had not Taken Christ is my personal savior. I'm gonna but it's I don't the lines

The lines and then the ladies there always and I feel racist. I don't a Yeah, so we get we get the little you know, you can't deny Jesus flashback, which is so fucked up Okay, so apparently what we're what he's remembering is how his brother died in a car accident with a train before he accepted Jesus as his personal savior and he's remembering the conversation that him and his mother had about his brother being in hell because of that. Whoa! You know, David, my son's in hell. Why? Because God loves him less than me. Weird, right?

Isn't it weird how God loves his children less than I love mine and that there's nothing my children could do that I would burn them with fire forever? But God is just like you didn't say the right magic. Well, anyways, look, I'm a crazy person. This part of the movie is over. you credit where credit is due this is the only Christian movie we have seen so far that actually hits a car with a train. You're right a lot of them car yeah they got a train no cut away it was a car and hit

by a train. And it won't be the last time actually. Spoilow alert. It doesn't work if you put him at the end does it. So that's the end of that little sequence and then we move over to the the desperate writing out of the fact that day. Oh, no, I'm sorry. First we got to get the song. Right. So we get the we get some credits over a like a post-war there's a helmet and there's some smoke and shit.

And you get country-telly survival. Right, exactly. Serenade and us. You know what I'm saying? And he also, he has an even longer monologue than the first movie, because in the first movie, the guy was like, hey, everybody, I need to talk, because this song isn't clear enough about what I'm talking. He's got like 75 minutes of like, listen, there's nothing the earth can offer you that'll be worth it when God is super

Duperman at you, so Do my shit Then we get a sad Jesus Christmas song which I had hope During this that this movie would be a musical because I was like oh let it all Everyone break out into song throughout this film. All right. So no, I know we're always talking about kickstarting shit, but kickstarting a thief in the night, the musical. Oh, come on people.

Let's make it happen. Oh, I think we really might need to. It's a real man show. It's me and Noah and Heath. And we play all the parts. I play all the women. Heath plays all the men. Noah plays all the fire eating scorpions. Come on, we can do it. Can I play the mustache too? I want to play the, I he plays all the men Noah plays all the fire eating scorpions come on we can do it

Uh, can I play the mustache too? I want to play that I want to be the most he will also be Jerry's mustache awesome awesome awesome Which will be the protagonist of our music? It's actually about Jerry's Mustache's journey through the afterlife It's a whole thing. It's very moving guys. We're the next Hamilton whole thing it's very moving guys were the next hamilton it it it

so yeah war action burn and then we have to write out the part where david died since this movie's about him so we get this ridiculous scene where they're saying you a dot don't kill david because we still need him to not be dead for the rest of the movie because he's a computer guy or whatever right he's a serious threat to our computer security system that's yeah exactly exactly and they get they they mentioned that they're the believers underground movement again as though the bombs wasn't enough from the first film that was something that needed to make it into the second film as well and miss this and i want to go back for this

uh... there was a part in the credits where it said additional writing material, or additional story material by William Wellman, who is the actor that plays the main character. And I have to assume that that is, okay, I'm not saying that. Like that was his additional, they said, oh, he said, okay, no, that's too fucking crazy. I have to say something different or whatever. And that's why they had to give him credit for additional story material. See, I disagree. I think he went extra crazy like he just kept talking and they were like, this is gold.

We got to get a writer's credit. He was like, and you know what else? Then Joel says, give unto me the wheat. For if you take the wheat from me, I'll slap you right in your fat little bitch mouth. Just keep rolling, keep rolling. This is cool. It's like waiting for Guffman. It was exactly like waiting for. He's the Christian Parker Posey.

And so, yeah, so basically we get this whole scene where Jerry and his minions are figuring out that they can use David to and his minions are figuring out that they can use David to okay lead them to the believers underground movement squad, which was Jerry in the last movie, but now is the good guy. But now is the good guy. Yeah, now it's the good guys somehow. So the good guys are the Bums,

so they really don't get the joke. They really don't get the joke. Even though they said it in the last movie, they forgot and now they're the bumps the good guys the Christians are the bumps and so he's supposed to follow them they're gonna they're gonna engineer an escape and then they're gonna follow him along the way and he's gonna know or they're gonna know like where the secret underground Christians are hiding right and I want to plant a flag for how stupid a person

this movie is made for. We see Jerry go, we're gonna fake an escape with our agent and then we'll get him to lead us to the underground Christians. And then we see him get saved by someone and spend the rest of the movie going, I wonder who the traitor is. And it's like, I don't know man Maybe the person who orchestrated the escape we were told this at the beginning and the reveal of this movie is like oh

It was her the whole no man. We knew that. Yeah, they already told us that shit. Did you hear it turns out that Luke Skywalker is Blond no, we saw that at the beginning of the movie. That's not a twist. No, a twist. Haley Jolosman was alive the whole time. Yeah, that's just established. That's just what the movie's about. So, yeah, so this chick shows up to rescue him and I mean, she's in their hideout or whatever, their evil layer and then she just locks a door and the guards run up and can't get through it Right she locks a door then she knows the codes to get out of the garage She knows the hey, how come you know the codes? Oh, cuz I'm the bad guy. I'm gonna turn out to be a spot Why know the codes all we needed for her to walk out past a guard

It was like hey Karen. What's going on? Oh nothing is doing this fake escape with this guy anyways come on David they're gonna catch us yeah so and apparently and he says like what why have you saved me and she's like um because you know does he have reasons you know computer later computer you can computer the computer and we can't computer yeah they need his computer skills which apparently by the way computer skills are ability to decipher really bad boring biblical codes by talking out loud to yourself

a lot she basically she wanted to hire the the precursor to Jeff gold bloom an independence day wait a second Bible. Bible backwards is in a and in a is the noise you make when you throw up if you have clam chowder clam chowder chow durr durr is what retarded people say quick to the special end classroom that is this entire fucking all the rules of this movie have nothing to do with each other I will bring these fucking original puzzles to Steven Hawking

And he will sit there in his chair forever just being like these don't make any sense What is this garbage bullshit and I'll be like right Steve you get it? He beat his wife got church rock church church church rock. It's a rock church. Yeah, it's a rock church a shot rock that shaped like a church oh yeah of course it is this movie I miss Kirk Cameron and oh by the way there was also a nuclear explosion five and a half miles from the from the place where they are and they're running from it they're driving away from it they're now out driving nuclear fallout. Yeah, yeah. The level of knowledge, oh, the level of knowledge

in this movie is about equal with mine, which is that fire is hot, no touchy. That's what I know about science, and that's what the people who made this, but I haven't made a movie, because if I did, it would be be like quick. There's a nuclear bomb Let's jump inside this tinfoil so that it can't get us cuz yeah, let's get this refrigerator Oh look potatoes came out oh

It's it's so fucking bad they understand nuclear war about as well as they understand calculators Yeah, and by the way, can we talk about the vehicle too because this is not a normal vehicle Yeah, it's like a weird hexagon tank and it's supposed to look futuristic when it's like the it would Obviously be so ridiculously top heavy because the bottom just sort of slants in yeah There's no advantage to the design whatsoever So it looks like they're driving around and something that, you know, like if you were selling a new hot dog or something like this would be the thing.

And then they would flip up and they'd be like, Hey, drive Dave's dogs. You're right. That's their vehicle through this entire, and almost all of this movie is gonna take place in this fucking vehicle. So I guess we should give you a visual on it. So yeah, we get a long eye grudge fucking,

then they, she unhanned coughs him, and for just a second, everyone who watched this movie thought he was gonna make her go down on it. Yes, exact thank you. There's no other way to take, because he grabs her by the, as soon as she unhanned coughs him, grabs her by the head,

pulls her down to his crotch. Yeah, to her knees. In front of his crotch. And he's like, how do I know you're not a bad guy? And I'm like, what? Well, first of all, I'm like, he's gonna make her sick as dick. And I was totally into it.

I was all about it. I got myself out, I got some lube, I sat on my thumb, I was ready. And then he was like, so are you a Christian? And I've never had a boner die faster. I've never, I've run into a relative at an orgy and I've never had a boner die fat. What are you doing those situations?

Miss Manners, ask Miss Manners. All right. So yeah, very awkward. And I also wanna mention to this course, this movie was released in like 1984 or whatever. So she's got the requisite 1980s big hair going. Yeah, basically a face mask away from a football helmet this woman's hair I'm sure she's very attractive or at least was at this time if you you know tamped all that shit down But it's really hard to overlook that now right So basically he's like all right, I trust you and then they talk about why why do you need me?

We need you cuz computers computers something something Batman She's just they could not know less about computers. She's got she's got a 1980s USB drive Which is very clearly a spark plug She pulled out and I know nothing about cars. I know nothing about cars. I get into my car all the time and drive a good 40 minutes with my parking brake on, but I was like, that's a spark plug.

I don't want a spark plug, is it? Yeah, and this is by the way, the module. And this will be very important because if you can get the module to the computer and break the code You can take down there. Wait, what is it their linkage data? Computer microchip. No, it was their instantaneous worldwide information linkage their computer internet grad grandma Batman. Yeah, that thing if you can get the module to the Bums and break the code and if you're like man

Why are those guys dwelling on that so much? It's because that's what this fucking movie talks about I'm like you wanted to talk about Bible quotes, which is what this movie does We're talking about yeah, that's what the movie's about and she also gives him a piece of paper Which is the last transmission from the good guys, which is the code we were talking about earlier, where it's like, it's like the rock and the church sing a song. We're 1812 and a shit ton of numbers. Yep. And so we're going to spend the rest of the movie cracking that code. Yeah, I should have wrote down the code just to say I'd have, this is like, like, tell you, or, hey, you know what? I can do that kind of shit in post. So,

yeah, so. Blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu. Countless ages, Hell's Foundation quiver, Blinger Voices, 1842, War, Church, and Forward. That's the code. voices eighteen forty two war church and forward that's the code do you get it do you get it if you figure it out yet if you figure it out if you figure out something about a state park no

strapping because we've got two hours left to go this is like big bird ghost of china i don't know if you ever saw that i have a little sister so i saw that this is the level of hints that we've got here It's just like rock church church rock anyways. Oh, yeah. Oh god So they they he gets to the computer and he talks to a computer the way that I would talk to a dog Oh Definitely and he does that throughout the movie. He's gonna be going like all right computer you and me

I'm gonna push your buttons and then there are just gonna be letters on the screen and we're gonna fuck up their information worldwide linkage system or whatever. So yeah. So they go, you know who's gonna help us break this code? The crazy guy I know who has a giant wall sized map of what's gonna happen during the apocalypse. Let's go talk to him and she's like do we have to and she's like

yep russ produced the movie so it's actually russ dottings house because he hasn't talked about the apocalypse yet there's also a little thing a thematic bit that we get here that i think is really funny so they're talking about how they gotta go see russ dotting and and then it cuts out when we see like the the bad guys that they locked in their own building that they don't have keys for Like coming out of the garage now like what they've escaped from their own place and they're chasing them So we just get a quick cut over to them and then the music's like Don't tell him Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da action a movie and then you cut back to them talking about Jesus. Yeah, that's going to happen throughout this movie. There's constantly someone chasing them,

but it doesn't matter that that person's chasing them. No, at all. It's just that Rust on knows that in action movies, you have to cut over to the guys chasing them once in a while. And then you'll cut back over to the after Sunday school special. Yeah, exactly. It's just like, oh, all right, car chase. Nope.

People very casually driving talking about apologetics. Yeah. shitty, shitty apologetics that everyone involved in the conversation believes. Right. Yeah. And of course, someone at some indiscriminate distance behind them is also chasing them. Right.

So then we get back to that illegitimate love child of Wilford Brimley and Phil Roberts and that we loved so much. And this time, they've given him a gun. That was not a good idea. Love child of Wilford Brimley and Phil Robertson that we loved so much and They've given him a gun Well was not a good idea. I don't give a shit if it was a prop. You should not give me a gun Three gaffers. There's no question some guy some guy with a nose ring rocked on the set And he was like demon All right, everybody take lunch it happened again really Russ again. Sorry my bad my bad if no one could move too quickly My eyesight ain't what it used to be can't see around this beard and he's oh my god the beard

The beard has grown. I assume he took Jerry each scene of this movie He took a little slice of Jerry's mustache and incorporated it into his beer. Oh, okay Alright, yeah, it's like that thing with a giant video game with a giant ball his beard eventually just overtook the entire movie Commentary to Massey. That's it. Oh, yeah, of course of course We had got an e-mails and he's also carrying some little mice around. I guess that's what he eats He's eating mice now the good, the good sane guy in this movie, confronts them with a gun is like, I eat mice now, and that's how we're an engineer,

and they're never like so crazy, huh? They're just like, yeah. We need his help. We need his help. He's gonna help us solve a puzzle. Oh my God. So he, he says two key things that are important to this, to the movie. One is that vultures now. Look, I'm saying, I don't know if he thinks this is real.

He probably does that vultures are now rampant and are attacking and killing people. Yeah. If there's more than six buzzards, they will attack you and kill you now. Right. The turkey-sized birds will come down and you'll be like, you won't just be like, man, go away. They'll be like, all right. I'm just a vulture. But apparently in this, I'm going to go with the fiction

of the movie, the buzzards seeing the apocalypse, realize the error of their ways buzzards are all Jewish. You can smell the light. You talk, if you imagine a buzzards voice, it's Jewish. It's like, oh, it's hot out here. Are you finished with that? It's a Jewish animal. There are animals that are Jewish, there are animals that are not.

You know what I'm talking about. Jewish buzzers. Let's kickstart that on the well. That's my next Pixar movie, by the way, if anyone wants to see. Where's the Jewish Pixar movie? Where they don't go on an adventure, but they have a very stony fight over who's holding the remote. Oh, fine. You're just going to eat all of this dead hyena. You know what? It's fine. I don't even want to talk about it. Credits. That'd be pretty good.

So we learn that there are vultures attacking people and that the nuclear blast, the nuclear blast has turned people into mutants. Mutants, mutants, there are radiation mutants. Yeah. And renegade murder mutants. And the comic book nerd in me got hard as a rock. You could hang a towel on it. But they're not that kind of mutants. They're just, they're like sick. They all out. Yeah. No, that's, it's they're not that kind of mutants they're just they're like sick. Yeah, they're not they're not fun mutants. No, no, but they're and they're and they're and they're no people faced locusts to be honest as it was a real step down in villainery. So yeah, so they have this conversation where we learn about the buzzards and the mutants and then he pulls out his he's got a new substitute crazy and they took his poster yeah they took all his stuff so and now

all he's got is and I I've got to be honest with you because I saw the first poster like he didn't really put his heart into this one yeah this was an afterthought he showed up on set and he's like you think I want the crazy poster I think I want the crazy poster give me that newspaper I'm gonna draw something on the back of it yeah yeah exact right there listen i got a lot to lots of friends okay not lots of one person said they liked the poster so we got to have more poster in this movie no one's gonna come see it if they don't know there's poster and then we go we realize he goes to on to explain

that the last movie was the seven seals this is the seven bulls uh-huh yeah and at this point i am so tired of the apocalypse The last movie was the Seven Seals. This is the Seven Bulls. Uh-huh, yeah. And at this point, I am so tired of the apocalypse. The apocalypse, the end of the universe with demons and fire is boring. It's so boring. It's just like, and then blood will turn and I'm just like, oh, more blood. God is so on a matter of time.

You could give me 10 minutes in a writer's room with a half a line or a key bump. You give me a key bump. I'll come up with a better apocalypse in 10 minutes than God did. Oh no, no, no, let's have trumpets and bowls, huh? And then seals. By the way, bolts. Trumpets will be the seals. What are bowls, bowls of the apocalypse?

I feel like someone had like a last minute report to and they were like, okay, so we got seals, we got trumpets. and what is the last thing um Well balls both balls full of apocalypse so I wrote down the the bulls in case you didn't know Bull one when the angel pours out the first bowl that will give boils to everyone who has the mark Right Bull two is the seas to blood Mark. Right. Um, bull two is the C's to blood.

Uh, bull three is the same thing, but rivers seems like that you would do. He had to separate it. Well, and if you did separate it, you think you would do the rivers first. It would make sense because they're feeding into the C's. But anyway, uh, bull four, the sun will be on fire. I mean, I don't, it'll, the sun will be hot. Um, bull five is the judgment of darkness. bull six is the drying of the Euphrates Yes, which you the Euphrates river what a pleasant break in all of the terrible the sun will burn the skin of all and then the Euphrates

Which is blood by the way at this point right? Yeah, we'll no longer be there it could coagulate for all I give a shit at this point. Right, yeah, it could coagulate for all I give a shit. Oh, so yeah, but, but that's just the thing because when the fucking people who wrote this goddamn thing wrote it, that meant something to pretty much everybody. Yeah, that's why the reason why the Euphrates River drying up is a crazy apocalypse thing is because there were three rivers. Right. If someone was like the sun's gonna go out, we'd be like, holy fuck, and shit. Cause we've only got one sun. And the time this book was written, there was one river.

If you don't someone, and you were like, hey man, look at this, this is North America. We got a land of a thousand lakes. People would have shit their goddamn pants. But this movie was written before they knew what germs were. So who gives a fuck? But you phrase rivers like, huge deal. Right.

I'd be more afraid of the wifi goingFi going out if he was like the last I'd be like fuck this shit and I didn't show what it exists if it said somewhere in revelations that when the angel Pour it out the six-bow your Wi-Fi will fuck up even if you reset the router. I would have said holy shit I'm Christian. Well, yeah, no that's all it would have taken That's a spot on spot on But see now what you don't understand is that nobody would give names like Something if they saw the Bible right see like all those predictions that seem they didn't come true That's just because people are afraid to name their things after the things that are

Right, they're just afraid of it if we had named Wi-Fi you Freedys things that are right. They're just afraid of it. If we had named Wi-Fi, you Freighties, that your Freighties would dry up and you'd, oh shit, yeah, fuck. Guys, don't buy stock and you Freighties airlines. Hahaha. Also, don't name your Firewall Jericho. Yeah.

And then, of course, after Bull 7, we get the Battle of Armageddon, which this movie sets up that we're gonna get, right? Because we get the Battle of Armageddon which this movie like sets up that we're gonna get right because we get the Seven Bulls All the nations will be there Sweden Norway Uganda Micronica Chimacat the Jamaican Army would be awesome

Everybody who also all the Kings will be there. Yeah, all of it Who was it? And also all the kings will be there. Yeah, all of them. It's like there's like nine kings. I mean, who the fuck still has a king? Yeah, but all the kings will be there. To four gay guys just fucking each other because they're all related. Being like, oh, fight me for Jesus' throne.

Guys, I thought there was gonna be like a whole thing. I brought four horsemen. Oh, he's got a horse. You kill it. And then eat it it and then fuck it What happens when you have kings people you can't have kings for more than like three days because they start to fuck each other and everyone gets crazy If you made me king tomorrow, I'd be fucking something I'm gonna be fucking something tomorrow anyway, but yeah, if I was king it would be a different thing. So yeah

There's some weird sorry honey. Hope you don't listen to this episode. I also wanted to point this out that this is apparently part, again, this is the Christians not knowing they're rooting for the bad guy. Uh, after Armageddon, according to Crazy Man and his crazy map, after all of the kings and all of the countries fight each other, the last one remaining takes on Jesus,

which is what the main bad guy does. I mean, the main bad guy lets everybody fight each other the last one remaining takes on Jesus Which is what the main bad guy does. I mean the main bad guy lets everybody fight each other and then takes on the one Dude who's all tired and fight that's Oren you she eat. Yeah, that's blood sport. I remember Just picturing Jesus at the end being like And then he uses all sorts of cheats spammy moves really Jesus just always hits his low kick You can't block it. He just keeps, Fitch we've been me in the fucking corner. To the fucking thing,

my fucking life was already way down. Oh, that's apparently that's the end. Jesus is the embison of D.A.D. So, right, right. And then we get the greatest dissolve in the history of cinema because we move from this scene to them driving. Which makes it look like he's in the middle of cinema because we move from this scene to them driving. Which makes it look like he's in the middle of talking and David just drives away.

Right, right. So we cut to the first of the Jesus talks and where basically we get the, it doesn't matter if you're a good person. And we know that because Jesus once said, hey, I don't know these wizards. Yeah. Remember when Jesus was like, hey, these wizards aren't my friends. Yeah, that's what he was talking about. That's exactly what it's like to not care if you worked at St. Jude's. That's what Jesus meant. Yep.

Good works are like an evil Nazi siph. Yeah. And then we get... Jawas. Jawas. Yeah. We get jealous. We get jealous trying to break into the car. There's a very clearly what's happening. There's a car. And there's five little

jawas standing around. I'm trying to get into where these two girls are and then David and Connie show up and you know, they they they scare the jawas away. Yeah, exactly. And I was up and you know they they scare the job was away. Yeah exactly and I was like if they say they scare easily but they will be back in in greater numbers I'm gonna lose my shit I'm gonna jerk off into my TV I'm gonna take a picture of it I'm gonna send it to Noah I'm gonna go

live on a resort somewhere there's only so much my brain can take. It'll just be like hey guys welcome episode 15 so I got So I got a picture of cum on a TV screen. That's the last I ever heard from Eli. So, whoo, here we go. And I watched this movie, so I know exactly why. And by the way, before you send the emails, yes, we know it's the San people that scare easily, but we'll be back soon in greater numbers.

Not the job, I just, you know, they're the slave traders we get it so anyway so they say that was the one who kept in Kirk Hills right right he uses his sonic screwdriver to scare the job was away and then the sandworm jumps out and he rides its mouth and he opens the forplated door you can just and then just a spark you can tell which of the two of us gets all the god awful movies emails You can just, and then Mr. Spock. You can tell which of the two of us gets all the God off on movies and emails. Ha ha ha ha. So I'm in mortal hand.

Good to have a real name. People look me up. They're like, this guy's from Binghamton. I'm going to email the guy who's got a strange name. I'm going to get the person who doesn't have a bunch of pictures of his dog on his face. Well, he seems like he has time for this. You son of a bitch, you know the very difference

between a java and Luke was never meant. First of all, your comment about return of the Jedi is flawed for the following eight reasons. What? No, no, I don't get those. I don't get those. I've never gotten anybody come into the sense of Return of the Jedi outside of this show. So, fly my minions. So, now we're going to introduce Linda and Jody. Is it Jody? Who the... Okay, listen, what's her name? Linda?

Yeah, so there's Linda. Yeah, Linda, who is the scientist lady who looks like Sally Fields and like stage two of chemo. Just like Sally Fields. If Sally Fields was allergic to peanuts and you gave her just a smidgen of gif. Which she looks like. And then we have Jody. And Jody is supposed to be the popular pretty girl.

We're going to get back to this later. She's supposed to be the popular pretty girl. And she is the least attractive human in the entire film series and there are mutants there are mutants there are mutants in this movie and vultures and she is the least attractive creature live creature that's in this movie her eyes are so close together she her next thing on IMDb is like the Odysseus she is not not a good looker. She looks like Ronda Rousey got injected with four more chromosomes. She is not...

Yeah, no, they have to tell you. She looks like she eats butter noodles two meals a day. She is not a great looking... not a great looking kid. No. No, they have to repeatedly tell you through dialogue that she's pretty, that she's attractive. Yeah, if you told me that her playing this character was her make a wish, it would be the only reason she made sense to me. Oh yeah, man, that tumor in her face is gonna be her head's gonna pop like a grape one of these days so she's so popular and pretty. You all watch on Facebook that guy got a face transplant. All right they based that guy on her that's what she looks like but pre the transplant before they put a dead guy's face on her

I'm just saying that burned fireman saw her and he was like no you take it please I'm just trying to do what's right Holy shit, she looks like a nut sack with a ponytail. That's what this girl looks like. It's good to look like, like if in a wacky teenage comedy, it was about a full grown man who's nut sack has to be the most popular girl at school. Rob Schneider has to stand on his hands for 40 days and 40 nights to make it to senior problem. Who?

Yeah, she was, she was, she was not attractive. I agree. So they saved Linda and Jody and then they drive on. She looks like a Chinese person standing sideways. That's what the front of her face looks like. I'm going to take a break real quick. I'm gonna have a smoke while you're there. Finish him up. I have like eight pages enough to just discuss physical appearance.

I couldn't stop. Oh good, because I mean we're gonna have some really boring Jesus talk that we're gonna have to spice up So anytime it starts getting boring just throw another one out. She looks like a witch brought a chicken nugget to life Shit we should pause long enough for everybody to check out our IMDP You Google you go this girl in Prodigal planet whoo All right, so then we move on to them puzzling out the code that we get a lot of those scenes and and and then he figures out that

Oh, wow each number is a letter and I'm oh well that's the I mean that's The dumbest code. that's the dumbest code that's the dumbest possible code. The dumbest possible code. The code that you and your friends figured out in third grade to be like I think Mike Spence is cute. That's what this this is what Jesus is using to help it powers in this fucking movie. Yeah and so somehow he turns the letters into numbers and then back into letters and it becomes new maxiqo i don't know the fuck they're talking about they have to go to new maxiqo right because this movie wasn't some bullshit where an i

o a movie this was we're only a couple of states away from california motherfuckers this was shot in new maxiqo right and then it they're all they also try are trying to bring in this concept of that that one of the there's three codes that they have in one of them is musical like a musical code. Yeah, I guess they just seen close encounters. I don't know. Yeah, uh, but so so he plays her that that what he calls the tone code, which is just like, you know, if you like like if you had a generic speaking spell that was the noise it made when you turn it on i wrote a computer music sounds like third grade recorder practice like bap bap bap more or less yeah so we get a little bit of that and then they wander outside where we have the two the two women that they saved Connie and the the bewitch chicken nugget right and Peyton Manning and a wig. And it seemed like the first thing I'm thinking okay

David's putting together a hair I like it I like it. I like it. I'm into it. Good for you, David. No, but one out of three three two out of three eight, man. And the other one can keep watch for mutants. Right. yeah, exactly. So, you know, and this is also where we find out that Linda, now Linda by the way is the mom, Jodi is the daughter, and Linda was a evil biologist. Okay, it says in the movie that she was a biologist, but then later on, she worked on nukes.

She worked on nukes. She's a nuclear biologist. Hey guys, what am I doing here? Just, you know what? We need a biologist, just in case. What have you become to life? All right. In case they start to turn against us.

Right, and this is the whole, oh, I can't believe I worked on nukes. I never knew that they would be nukes. But, but like, David comes to nukes defense though. I mean, he's like, oh no, it they would be nukes. But, but like David comes to nukes defense though. I mean, he's like, no, no, it's not the nukes, it's the sin. Oh, right, right. It was all that sin. And then she's explaining, so a big part of this movie,

the reason for this character is A, for her to be more attractive than the stocking full of mashed potatoes that is a Jodie. But the other reason is that she is equating all of the planks and bowls to the results of nuclear fallout. Right. Her job is to fake science, all of the things like boils and water turning into blood. She'll go like, well, you know, people who get exposed to radiation get boils. Hmm. Well, you know, when nuclear radiation is exposed to water, it turns red.

Hmm. Yeah. Right, because our Bible can't be taken literally, because come on, what, is it a guy on a horse? No. But so it's like, oh, black smoke smoke fills this guy and it's always horse shaped Yes, so that's that's what it is and based when we learn that the mutants have nuclear cancer That's their words not mine and the nuclear cancer mutants purpose is to kill find and kill all the atomic scientists.

Even the atomic biologists. Yeah, there's just a bunch of mutants with three arms just waiting around and Harvard somewhere being like, fuck are they coming back? I mean, shit. Also. So the mutants are the Jawas, right? We saw them earlier and they had these little brown Jawas robs on. Right.

So we're also supposed, and we see these guys throughout the movie in different places And they're always wearing these matching brown robes now they'll they'll they talk about this a little bit But oh, yeah, no we get the reason for this well, who yeah, we do it. It's spectacular when it comes but but yeah, right But they explain why they wear robes But they don't explain why they all wear matching identical same colors same shade of brown Robes, so how they got them right you have to assume that at some point all the mutants had a little fashion meeting There was a show, you know where they came down in different robes and everybody voted at the end and they're like no I like the like the dark brown. I like that. I want to go with you know, let's go

Like dark brown away to go. Yeah, let's go full Java guys. Let's go full. Joe, we know reason to go halfway. Jawa on this motherfucker. Yeah. So then, you know, we get the, you know, she's, she's, like she's saying, but the Jesus stuff didn't seem real to me. And then David says, does it seem real now? And she's like, yes, because this is a fictional world that you've invented with a script. Right. Give yourself a stamp in Christian Bingo where the movie uses this movie as evidence.

It's like a lot of people didn't believe that, but did the sky fill with blood? I mean, it did in your movie. It didn't in real life. Real life is global warming. You wanna talk about that? I'm not convinced, I'm a skeptic. All right, okay.

Yeah, and also by the way She she also like she's like oh, I feel so terrible about what I've done because it's my fault that all these people have nuclear Cancer now and and and David is insulted by this and he's like well I mean did you ever think about the fact that those people maybe deserve nuclear cancer? Do you think about how Jesus feels you selfish bitch? Right, and I have about half a page of fuck you David Oh, fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you I have that like in 19 spots in my notes holy shit a lot of this movie was me arguing with Should have I should have recorded just me being like fuck yeah, I talked to David as much as he talked to his computer

Yeah, and he was on my computer so it was weird i talked to david as much as he talked to his computer yet and he was on my computer so it was weird uh... so yeah so then that they're there they're heading for some midwestern sick they're heading for oh my god that's the promised land in this movie right all because oh my god was the first thing the newt's hit the first day newt was oh my god not new york city not los angeles not watching in dc oh my god and she says well yeah that's why we want to go because that's the first place that got hit so the

Radiation will be gone by now. Yep, it's been what days days, it's fine. We're totally fine. They blew up Omaha. They won't they still gonna send old you hit 65 in Japan and they're like, Hey, man Can you we dropped a ball over the other side of this fence? Okay, I still do that now, but in this movie, three weeks later. Yeah, it's okay, it'll be fine now. It's fine, shake it off, have some salt. So now we're driving to Omaha, I guess. And in their van, there's a black and white TV,

which is nifty. Yeah. But the anti-Christ is promising to blow up God. God is sitting on a throne in Israel at the moment, and so all the countries in the world are going to blow him up. Like literally, like God's sitting there and so they're going to nuke him. That is apparently the plan. So that'd be a great, that would make a great decision. Which by the way, if God was in a place, I would vote for killing him.

Yeah, you know, if we could do a good guy he's a bad guy there's not a it's not a bad idea everything we know about the dude is bad yes I like trees too don't get me wrong oh the guy who killed a third of the people yeah let's let's kill him let's go after oh the guy who killed all the people who have ever died yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the guy who invented cancer and AIDS and shit. So they get to Omaha, which was hit by a nuke, but luckily none of the buildings fell down. Who was, but we, but we know there was a nuke

because one guy got vaporized into a skeleton like in fucking goonies. Who? Right. Because apparently when you get a hit by a nuke, you turn into a thousand years dead skeleton with pristine with bleached white bones. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But there are vultures and I'm thinking murder vultures. Murder vultures. I'm the

entire and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna like I'm just gonna ruin it for you now. There are never any murder vultures. There are vultures. There's no Vulture Vultures in this fucking movie, but it despite the promise at the beginning no one ever gets attacked by fucking vultures in this movie Let me walk you through this budgets this movie's budget 80% vulture rental 10% helicopter rental. I'd say 10% other I would say more like 19 and one on the last two, but yeah, a lot of vultures in this movie. And I mean, that's just one of those things that you just can't you cannot say murder, vulture in your movie and then not have fucking murder, especially

if you're going to show me fucking vultures anyway, I'm still I'm very pissed about that. Right. But yes, Omaha does not look very bombed. Looks like it's, you know, looks like they just managed to clear out a little bit of the Street early in the morning or something right that's why they bombed Omaha That was the only city they could get to like clear out more than a single block. Um, yes, right like we would really like to use Anna-Him and it's like no man. Get fuck you First removing Nuke Omaha first cuz it's so great

fun. Alright. I knew Tomah first because it's so great. That was probably that was probably in the original cut. You know, I never grew back because it's full of sin. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no let's face it. Yeah, well, yeah, that's where they tend to go. So, yeah, yeah, in any rate. So then they synchronize their watches and they all go shopping. Yes, the women all go shopping. It's the nuclear apocalypse and the women all go try on dresses.

Yeah, and literally like that, we see them like standing in the mirror, dancing around and seeing how they look in various sweaters and whatnot that we actually get a Pretty woman shopping montage yep post-apocalypse I swear to God at any moment I thought she was gonna turn around because is this seam or a mutants like creeping up on her

Oh right shopping and looking in the mirror and I thought we were gonna get a montage where the mutant was like shaking his head like nope not that dress That's the one Something Man to something good. I'm ready for my date with a mutant So while they're out there shopping by the way David is taken fucking sheep head into the fucking truck again to tell her that he's figured out that the tone code is the notes for him. Right. And we just have, we have a fantastic quote here, which is, music is sound to us, but to

the computer, it's numbers. Note to the computer, it's sound as well. Everything's numbers to a computer it's sound as well. Everything's numbers to a computer. Yeah, and it's like the code, this, let me give you an idea just how bad this stupid fun code is. The code thing was something like a group of people will sing or voices will rise or something like that.

Join your voices, Adam. Join your, you heard it. Yeah, we played it for you. Okay, so what that means in this code is if you use this special magic him tone the computer will blow up Yeah, and David figures David figures that out from reading Razor voices or whatever he realizes. Oh, that must mean that when I play this tone for the main computer worldwide linkage unit system chip. It'll blow up all their computers.

Right. And by the way, I want to give credit where creditors do. I watched this with Anna, my fiance, who some of you have heard the voice of. And Anna predicted that the him that he needed to play was going to be, I wish we'd all been ready. And that wouldn't be fucking fantastic. He doesn't happen. But she was like, oh my god, the music's going to be, I wish we'd all been ready. And that would be fucking fantastic. It doesn't happen. But she was like, oh my God, the music's gonna be, I wish we'd all been ready.

And I really wish that had been the case. If it had been that, or the Monty Python theme, I would have been happy with it. It would have been full circle. It would have been fantastic. Yeah, no, and it the way you started it, that would have been like, that would have been damn clever, actually.

I would, yeah, they should have run it by Anna. So, yeah, and this is he also it says at one point binary words which are really numbers. Binary words. Yeah. It's just words the language. It's really fun to listen to someone who doesn't understand something, explain something that they don't understand via a script that was written by somebody who doesn't understand it to someone who doesn't understand it's really really fun you see no of the clitoris is just under a woman's nose you know a little place that's how does that have to scratch it you got a poker hard though otherwise she won't go to sleep afterwards you won't get a cookie so the so then So, this is a combination scene of shopping and also of mother daughter radiation talk

that we're getting. Well, David and Connie are off figuring out the hymn code. And then they find a Trans-Am, which is a total pussy magnet apparently. So they steal the Trans-Am and listen to the William Tell Overture, which is in the car. Like they have a cassette tape of the William Tell Overture and that's the music. And they're jamming out to it. They're jamming out to it, which makes me think that this movie script is like was translated into Thai and then back into English and it was like and then American music plays. The music of much joy and movement followed must then be play.

How little music do they listen to that they were like what's a fun song for this sentient bag of Elmer's glue to jam out to and they were like how about sentient bag of Elmer's glue to jam out to and they were like how about William tell orchestra of course Orature Yeah, no, that's that's what we got so she's back shopping again And she's literally doing the robot in there. Yes, yep And then we get creepy mutant cam because mutant Michael Sarah is creeping up behind her right so that what the women got was an Michael Sarah is creeping up behind her right so that what the women got was an

Armful of sweaters a dress like a gown and a painting of Jesus looking into a skyscraper Oh, I didn't see that. Oh, it's amazing. She drops it when the mutants chase them The mutants come to chase them and she drops the painting and it's a painting of Jesus like looking in the wind A giant Jesus looking into the window of a skyscraper. It's like, oh, it's nice. It was going to get that pointing. Yeah. Awesome. How the fuck did I miss that?

Oh, it's amazing. So they run away and then they get cornered by one of the mutants, but it's not a bad mutant. It's mutant Michael Sarah. He just wants to be friends and he just wants to be friends. He's got half his face burned the left half of his face And I just want to point that out because every time we see a mutant in this movie or somebody with face boils It's on the left half of their face only. Yeah, it's like they had a one-armed makeup artist or something I don't know. Yeah, so they they all drive away with mutant Michael Sarah because the soldiers are there and oh

They all drive away with mutant Michael Sarah, because the soldiers are there. And oh, by the way, we should point out that among the soldiers is Jerry, who attempts to chase down a speeding car. Boom, just by running after it. And almost thought it was like a fucking T-3000, just like, through air. So the mutant's name is Jimmy.

Yeah, Jimmy the mutant. And at this point, Jimmy, and Jimmy is now gonna give Downs Girl the Jesus Talk. Cause nothing convinces you of the love of God more than getting half your face blown off by a nuclear explosion. Apparently, and it's also worth noting, by the way,

that they get separated from Connie at this point. Yeah. Connie was the chick with the big giant hair that helped him escape in the first place But they're still communicating by radio and she's telling him where to go She's like go 40 two miles west of the spot where we were and wait there and again That matters to the stick and for the rest of the movie the way they communicate with Connie is to go Connie the third word from the left plus two minus six We're going to Omaha

That's what the rest of this goddamn movie is and it the den you want for it is so horrible and nothing It's unbearable. Yeah, it's really fucking bad and you could tell Russ works so hard on that too Yeah, so then David and Jimmy, so it's camp time. It's camp time. They escape the soldiers because go fuck yourself. And then Jimmy and David sit down to talk some Jesus. Well, first, uh, Jody comes in and, and, and, and yells and screams and gets all bitchy. And she says something about like, and I finally find a guy and he's got a melted face

Yeah, he's got a face like a like a burned marshmallow. Yeah. Oh, no, yeah, that's pretty good. She was which Jimmy hears and is like, yeah, it's true I Actually funny moment in the movie where Jimmy comes out and he's like yeah, I get it But then they have this, and there's plenty of these in this movie, but they have this ridiculously inappropriate, well, so tell me more about this Jesus thing. Right.

So then he explains, he gets walks him through the Jesus thing, and he basically, he's like, hey, do you remember how the people who wrote our magic book believed in animal sacrifice? We needed to do that with a person. How is any, and I wrote my notes? How does anyone hear this and be convinced? You know how our God demanded us to murder animals to please him? He needed a people. Yeah, it was same principle

only with his own son. So that's why we love him. Right, and Christ was so the animals had to be perfect and Christ was not without spot or blemish, which by the way, tables, merchants, olive tree. That's my answer to that. Plus, see. Plus, he wasted a lot of nard cream. So and, and, right, like at one point, the mutant turns to him is like, so you, the good guy in the movie, the hero protagonist, are saying that it doesn't matter if we're good, or how good we are.

To which David says yes, that's exactly precisely the message that I am trying to send. And I want to share a personal moment that occurred for me at this point. I never watch these movies high. I rarely, I'm always like, I want to be sick, because when I I watch him high I get all bummed out or freaked out But I was like it's getting late. I'm a smoke a little bit And so I watched just this scene high and I had this huge caving it of my brain where I was like There's nobody who's Christian. There aren't any actual Christians No one actually believes this and I spent like 40 minutes wandering around my apartment being like no man There's none that's just made up.

There's no actual no one actually believes this. So I had a mini meltdown at this point in the movie. I paused it and I ate some chips and I watched some people play video games on the internet. And then when I felt better, I watched the movie. Why do they put that in the anti drug public service? And they just put through the show. She Eli it around this fucking apartment going like I don't get it

I don't get it I don't understand why they were they were they would believe this they would believe that they to murder your kid why is this saying that he loved us so much he murdered his kid that doesn't that that would be an unprotected gun from my drawer and I shot it on the face that's what

happened next guys axe murder axe murder right I tell Anyway, so now it would be funny. Rape. Those are all real stories guys. Those are all true stories. They're real stories. They're based on true stories. They say so at the beginning. Right. And now we get my favorite scene in the movie, which is the scene between Jimmy the mutant, mutant Michael Sarah and

Jody. Oh, yeah, we're sitting around the campfire there. Yes, where they sit around a campfire and we get well first off We get the answer is to why they wear the ropes. Yeah, the answer is the same reason the Arabs do To protect us from sunlight. Mm-hmm The same the The Arabs do. I was surprised that they managed to say the word Arab and not A-Rab. That was the only thing that was surprising about that. I'm surprised they didn't say sand and word or something. Right, yeah, exactly.

And then he says that his dad owned an exotic pet shop in Omaha. And he had a python named Julius Squeezer That's pretty fucking good though. That's pretty good. This movie this part of the movie may know fucking sense This is opposed to the parts that did this is the other that's the much about a Christian movie They go through the apocalypse. They Jeff Goldblum the puzzle They take down the computer everybody screams and then she fucking goes Well, I had a pet chipmunk who could talk and then she does bubble voice

So she says that her chipmunk could talk and they used to talk to each other and they're like Oh, and I'm like what the fuck is happening? I was high. I was high with this happening. I'll never be okay again. I got I paused it Obviously at this point I finished this scene. I paused it. I woke up. I rewound it and I rewatched this scene because I was like Oh, man, I got to stop buying from Frankie trees because this shit's fucking me up And so she's giving, they're talking, she's talking at a chipmunk voice and being a bitch about things. And then he turns to her and says, and I quote,

you need a good spanking. You need a good spanking. And I'm like, finally, finally, here we go. I've been waiting for this. The acting is suggested, porn this entire time. Finally, somebody's gonna go. I've been waiting for this. The acting is suggested porn this entire time. Right. Finally somebody's gonna get spanked. But they couldn't do it

because they couldn't figure which end was that girl's ass. So they were. You keep hitting me in the face. I'm sorry. Could you try it like open your eyes wider? I don't have eyes. I have an eye. Hit the end without a pony tail.

Also, there's just a great moment where she says he really brainwashed you didn't he and he goes There's a difference between being brainwashed and hearing the truth Which is something who someone has been brainwashed says right? Yeah, I met someone from a cult once and I said you know This is a cult and she said cult is just short for culture That's what they teach you to say when you're in a cult once and I said you know this is a cult and she said cult is just short for culture That's what they teach you to say when you're in a cult. Wow, and that's what they teach you to say when you've been brainwashed They go there's a difference between being brainwashed and hearing the truth That's what they teach you to say because other people are gonna say your brainwashed

Right, yeah, if anybody is telling you what to say by the way if anyone says your brainwashed your brainwashed Right, so he says you've just been told your whole life, how pretty you are. She looks like Caitlyn Jenner's dead body. There's no way anyone has ever told this girl she's pretty. There's no way... No, unless they were paid to, no. Yeah, on her wedding day, her father would have been like,

my daughter, who's got a great personality. There's no way... than anybody told. She looks like you threw a turtle into a bucket of white paint. There's no way that she's supposed to be pretty in this movie. I never wouldn't know if it had been for this scene where he says it. Yeah. And I also love this moment where he's like look how disgusting and mutant, mutant D.I.M. That's what you look like to God. And I'm like, oh, and to the rest of us.

Super fish. Well, right, right, yeah, exactly. I would fuck mutant Michael Sarah before I'd fuck her. Yeah, I don't think there'd be much of a question of it as long as. I can fit a thing between his eyes, out the whole mess like he wins. So, yeah, we learned that even scientists believe in God and that God made the nooks so they're okay, but he warned them, warned us about him in Matthew, which he actually

says that Matthew warns us about the nooks. Yes, oh, yes, I wrote this again. God warned us about the nooks. No, he fucking didn't. You know what, Matthew did think was going to happen? You thought everyone needed to cut their peepies off because the world was going to end that week. But we don world was gonna end that week he sure is fucked in no about nooks he didn't know that we would make it to Wednesday no no his credibility is somewhat shot hey guys don't fucking ladies because we're never gonna see a Thursday again that's that's Matthew's opinion not first we're gonna split the atom and and and this is one of the many moments in the movie where you know David's like so you ready to you know you ready to do that thing with Jesus

and say no I'm not ready yet yeah exactly and she's not quite ready like dating a Catholic girl I'm not ready oh I'm gonna date a girl with a nose ring But Jimmy however, yeah is ready to his mutant life over to he has a he has a monologue where he's basically dear Jesus, I'm sorry that you lost two points in Calvin ball and now I have to I love you Fuck knows so sorry about you dying because of the sins that I sinned before I was born that you were murdered for. And then they're watching the news, and there's been a plague, and the water turned to blood, and there's just a great moment at the end he goes,

this is not new to Japan, which has had this for over a week, and I just love that Japan is just like, meh? You didn't make the news until it happened in America. New to Japan, which has had this for over a week. And I just love that Japan is just like me. You didn't make the news until it happened in America. More ball of water turned to blood in Japan and they were like, that's fine, we drink blood. It weird, we like weird stuff. They do like them some weird stuff, they like weird stuff.

That's what happens when you have all the money and everyone has health care. You get weird. Fuck a Swedish girl, you'll walk out a changed person You know why cuz they're all fine over there. They're all fine. Everything's fine. They don't have Donald Trump We're dealing with Ben Carson. Of course we can't get weird yet I get anyone health insurance for long enough. They're like all right My thing is you punch me in the dick until it's a liquid. All right fine

And then we go to the doctor afterwards. Maybe who cares? Everything's covered in cells. And that's why we can't have universal healthcare. And then they're driving it just when you think nothing is going to continue to happen, something fucking happens. Yeah. It's been a fucking hour. They've just been sitting in the goddamn truck talking about Jesus, but now we get helicopter mom the fucking helicopter. You know the action That's right helicopters pearl also. There's a great moment He goes he goes can't we shoot them down and goes no they have anti tank rockets these helicopters could not Let's have anti tank rockets rockets or physical objects that you Face when they're on a helicopter.

For some reason, right after he says that they give you a close-up of both of these, and these are by the way, these are like traffic copters or whatever, and they give you a close-up of these two helicopters so you can very clearly see that there is no armaments here. Yeah, so they pull off to the side of the road and Jerry, who is in one of the, is in one of the helicopters who, by the way way has gone through two mustaches in this movie yes mister mvmber himself uh... is it it tracks them down and i wrote in my notes by the way at this point that this movie needs a wise cracking robot yeah i don't know why i wrote that that like this is the only movie that would ever be improved by that but this

movie definitely needed a wise cracking this movie would have been improved by anything this movie would have been improved by Russ dotten walking in my apartment while I watched it and biting me on the thigh and not letting go until it was over any possible state of being is it's like a sam harris hypothetical if there's a universe with the most possible suffering. And there's a better universe, there's rust-dotten movies, and then there's any other universe. And so then like Jerry's like standing around on the truck waiting for the big low shopper to show up. Right. And then, then mutant kids like,

I'm gonna be sick, and Jerry's like, what's the fuck, what's the matter with him? To which she responds, he's got leukemia. Yeah, I thought it was nuclear cancer, cancer turned out it's the leukemia right and and which is really like it's right on the level of well that's just like your opinion man as far as comebacks go but michael sarah sneaks off to go be sick and i guess they just don't watch him or anything because he steals the truck and you shouldn't know he was a fucking java he was gonna steal something at some fucking point

they always do So he drives off in the in the truck which Jerry is faster than right? Hatches up to jumps into the back of puts the kid in a show cold The car goes over the world's tiniest cliff and explodes it's like eight feet Well, there's an explode right away though. It's on one of those delayed Explodes it's like eight feet. Well, there's an explode right away though It's on one of those delayed explosion plans because first day after they have time for the last hunger games movie guys It's one of us one of those delayed bombs just main fine fucking If you need a movie theater to jerk off to the last hunger games movie is a great list

I'm not gonna be judged by you. I'm not gonna be judged by your tone You send an email no illusion at no allusion you tweet him you say i love the hunger games movies specially the last one that's my favorite yeah okay um we go see spotlight at these great moments where no is like why why did I do this? I got Heath and Lucinda who reefed Foucault and then I get on with this guy and he's like do you see part two of the Hunger Games? Jennifer Bowen's will use the arrow shoot to bam man

Julie Andrews is there Julie My wife loves those fucking movies. Thank you Lucinda. Lucinda gets it. She would be giggling away at that. I'm laughing on the inside. So yeah, the truck goes off a cliff. David pulls Jerry to safety before the truck explodes but the mutant Michael Sarah doesn't make it. He's dead.

And Jody is so moved by this that she takes off her horror makeup So then you know, yeah, David saves Jerry that the mutants dad the truck explodes because it's on like you know Like I said, it was it you know, it's a truck. It's upside down. They fucking explode It's blood you can't put a truck upside down for more than a second. They explode Well, you get three minutes as long as it takes to drag Jerry to safety. And then it explodes again. We actually get like a double delayed explosion. So, I guess there's no better place to pause for a quick smoke than right after three fiery orgasms. So we're gonna take a quick break. But before we do them and give back three of the hearts out, will the people get the thing to the place before the

time? Will the vultures actually attack somebody or were they just fucking with us? Church, Rock of Ages of ages 1482 raise above Dolphin Socrates find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the belated conclusion of prodigal planet This summer. Oh geez all this radiation makes it hard to own talk to girls from the makers of Juno an Adventure land and the image of the beast. A quick go-scoop! Well, you sure are. You want to grab a frollo? I have nuclear cancer.

A love story about how a feeling can begin as one thing. Jesus, stupid, I'm pretty! I want to smell your unburned hair. And mutate into something else entirely. Maybe Jesus no makeup. Oh gosh, I'm dying. How embarrassing. Protocol Planet. A love story. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk So you're dead in between Michael's and Kermit the Frog.

That's great. And we're back to polish this thing off no matter how tired our forearms get when we last saw our hero David. He had pulled Jerry to safety right before the nitro glycerin powered truck exploded three times. Well, Jerry's sidekick was handcuffed to a different truck elsewhere. Right. And he's very casual about being tied to a truck He's like, hey, what's going on? He gets back and he's literally just like all right You start walking east in the middle of the desert like like a good Christian would tell a person

So and then they have to disguise their truck as a truck with a green tarp on it. Otherwise the helicopter will see them When they go. I guess also they're nursing Jerry back to health like a baby bird at this point. Yeah, exactly. Jerry has coughing whisper disease from left behind. He's like, you could have killed me, man. It's like, no, man. So then they make it into a town and they find a spigot and they have a water hell and water moment where they're all

There's also they got this moment where they're all hiding in this little outbuilding and now there's a vulture eyeing Jerry through the window like Hey, man, you can eat that You can finish that You got a mustache guy who's Doesn't really he's doing too. I'll trade you for some screams All I have is screams. I'm a bird. Oh, sorry. I they're Jewish. I Listen, I've got a fantastic deal for you You give me them you give me the guy who isn't doing so well and I'll give a peck to the girl with the down syndrome

I'll give her a little of the peck What are you saying? I'll improve that face just to the girl with the Down syndrome. I'll give her a little of the peck. What are you saying? I'll improve that face just a little. Make it look more like The one who looks like Chris Filey took a shit shaped like his own face but girl It's exactly what she looked like that you've nailed it there So yeah, so then another helicopter shows up because it can 80% of this fucking really fine. Brian Cox's screams turned into a girl She looks like someone tortured Brian Cox's screams into a sentient girl being So if you can imagine that

Yeah, and you know what this girl looks like so another bad guy helicopter shows up and they've got Jerry and David's like, well, Jerry, you know, I saved your life so you have to go tell him that you don't know where I am or whatever. And he does, which is awfully nice of him. Probably doesn't deserve to burn an eternal hellfire after all. Wait, I don't understand why Jerry does that

because Jerry isn't Christian. Yeah, right, exactly. So then we see Connie stop at the same pump and the water is turned into Kool-Aid. Right. But she hates cherry flavor. Damn it. And yeah, right, right.

So she's still following behind them in a Jeep and the excuse she's using is that she's still got the module and they can't afford to be together in case one of them gets caught. So that's why she's still got the module and they can't afford to be together in case one of them gets caught. So that's why she's not with them and she's just radioing and telling them where to go. And then of course we get another helicopter because it's this fucking movie. And it's shooting at them with guns that you only see an extreme close-up but not when you back away from the helicopter. And not when you see the helicopter. No, not enough so then she grabs the machine gun she being lend a the scientist lady

shoots the helicopter once in an explode or i'm sorry it land safely and then it's loads yeah it land safely behind a hill and then it's like fire because listen rust rustle kill a, but he won't blow the helicopter. He has respect for the life of a helicopter. He thinks they're babies. Yeah, so they hide in this state park where they go to like the sea America is it used to be? Right, part of the state park, they go to a Navajo Joggen. Yeah, right, pretty much and the reason they have to go here is because the bull where the sun got hot

was poured out. So now the sun is too hot and the engine is overheating So we're gonna now spend like a good 20 fucking minutes of this movie with them hiding in this state park doing nothing doing nothing Yeah, and we cut back to Connie and she's also hiding from the sun and it's so hot that her walkie-talkie melts and her car Buddy, but the branches she's hiding on don't know like she can hide under the branches and she's totally fine, but a car Melt way more combustible than would in a dry environment Absolutely, which is why if you're ever trying to start a fire you put a Jeep grand Cherokee into the some Doritos on top of it you'll get a nice

tindland so yes they're hiding from the nuclear megas on an old time evil turns out that there are jawas there as well right and then we have this like and this is so indicative of this entire movie so uh... jody says mom I, I'm scared. And David says, well, Jesus says in John chapter one and and no one else fuck off. I'm trapped with you here. Just shut a fuck up for Jesus for like one goddamn scene. Please. But the amazing thing that came out of this is me and Noah do notes independently, but we can see it when we do this show and we both have I'm scared. Well, Jesus said shut the fuck up That is a simultaneous thought that occurred to both of us. I bet we have the same note next. Yes, we do we do because okay

So his Conversation now is about how a Caterpillar is like a heathen a caterpillar is like a heathen, but a butterfly is like a Christian, but if you taped wings onto a caterpillar, that wouldn't make a Christian. Ty, tie them onto a caterpillar. That wouldn't make him a Christian.

He couldn't walk. He walks or like trying, good deeds or like trying to tie wings onto yourself as a caterpillar. Right. And Jesus is like wings. And I just have to find out 30 minutes left in this. And then they drive into Thunderdome. And we get the greatest helicopter seen in all of these movies. So the helicopter shows up and it starts shooting the invisible machine gun out of me again. So they run and hide in the back of the truck because you know that's what you do when you're getting shot at by a machine

gun. And then David says, hey wait a minute. And then he, and then he jumps out and clown music starts to play like fucking baby elephant stomp his plan. And then he walks out and starts doing jumping jacks and a little jig. Right. So he realizes that they're not actually trying to kill him. They're trying to get him to lead them to the Christians. Right. Yeah, exactly. And so he goes out and to show that he's no longer afraid, he does jumping jacks while

they shoot machine guns around him. He dances. But he doesn't know who the traitor is. Could it be Jody? No, it couldn't be Jody. Because we already know who it is. Because we watched this movie with our fucking faces, but that's fine. So then they get attacked by mutants, which they scare away with headlights.

And this was a really weird one too. Because like one too, because they're hiding in the truck, the mutant's attack, and they scares them off with the headlights and God pours a bowl or something, or whatever, because then what he turns to, Jody says, you said you needed proof of God. Well, what do you call that? Obviously, the fourth angel just poured out its flask on the enemy from the sea or whatever.

Like, there's your proof right there it's like even within the goddamn movie that's not proof right yeah exactly they just look up at the stars and and and it's just a goddamn movie you look up at the stars and you can point these to see where it says Jesus is real and the stars there now do you believe but instead they go with some kind of like something happened that's sort of like something that came from the Bible sort of right and he goes look the bible sort of. Right. And he goes, look, the darkness is here. And then there's a, then we immediately cut to a shot of a perfectly lit city.

Right. Yes, the plague of darkness is upon us. So this is when he has his Jeff Goldblum rock that looks like a church church that looks like a rock. It sounds like the idiot partner you got stuck with in charades. You know, he's like rock church, church rock. A rock that looks like a church that looks like a rock. It sounds like the idiot partner you got stuck with in charades, you know, he's like rock. Church, church rock. A rock that looks like a church that looks like a rock. A rock.

God damn it, Ryan, I'm never being your partner again. No, no, no, get your hands off me, Alice. Get your hands off me. This needs to be said, you started dating Alice and now you're a part of this group of friends, but nobody likes you. Nobody likes you. And I always get stuck talking to you.

Stop asking me to do magic tricks. Nobody I you. And I always get stuck talking to you. Stop asking me to do magic tricks Nobody I know cares that I do magic tricks you boring Hufflepuff of a human being Shit see I laughed at that one because it was a Harry Potter reference and I assume it was fun because I know you I don't know Harry Potter, but I know if you made a Harry Potter reference it must have been a funny one That's right. Hufflepuff is also kind of a funny word Yeah, so yeah, so they drive by The church that looks like a rock that looks like a church or whatever

But actually looks like a bunch of dicks by the way, right They should know that in this movie it looks very clearly like three dicks rising out of four balls And I love that they like he points to that and he says what does that look like? And I wanted somebody so bad to say a pile of mashed potatoes that's important. Dick, but Jody. Yeah. Back of Cox, back of Cox. But no, they all say, oh, it looks like a cathedral.

Oh, I love this line too. They stop by this sign at the state park with church rock in it. And, you know, they're like, okay, well, we're here, but where do we go? And the scientist lady, she says, well, I don't know, let me see your paper. Maybe it's a numerological code.

Nope, not what that means. That's not, that means over related to numerology. Numeric code is what you're looking for Science PhD evolution or I'm sorry nuclear biologist. I can't get over that She's not a number reader. She's a nuclear biologist What is she one of those mathma Christians? By the way guys, that's my home study course mathamakrishans which uh... equates pi to three point one four so your kids don't get anything

actually i believe it was just three i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i on that by the way is that we don't know that that well was completely round it might have been like an oval or like smaller on one side than the others so it never says that the fucking picture of that well. Nope very busy. Oh believe me. Believe me. Ken Ham's got some on his fucking website. It's hilarious. And also, okay, so they're driving through this park and we get this weird scene where like we see the truck and the truck drives my and Connie

is laying their half dead against a rock they don't see her right and drives by and I'm thinking to myself okay this is a person that was behind the people in the truck and they're cheap melted and now she's ahead of them how the fuck does this happen who the fuck now so then How the fuck does this happen? Who the fuck knows? So then, Connie gives away, she knows who she is, so she comes out and she's, and it's Mr. Goon. Yeah, Mr. Goon shows back up. 85 movies, I don't remember a time when this man wasn't in every goddamn movie I watch.

So this Goon is back. Right, and this is when like she, like they reveal the thing that, they'd already revealed at the beginning of the movie that she was the traitor no the whole time and the reason that she couldn't that man was Bruce Wayne everybody apparently so the reason that she couldn't be with them the reason she had hide behind them is because she has nuclear cancer boils on her face and they would have known she wasn't a true believer if they saw those.

So there's also a moment here and I think this is maybe my favorite moment in the movie. They need to radio into Connie. However, we've learned that they have computer voice print Indicators or whatever something right voice recognition. Yeah, like Batman and in dark night right the dark night this is where the dark night got that must have been so in order to radio into Connie to tell them where they're going or where they are or whatever Jody has to radio or in the chipmunk voice that she did earlier yes so her doing the chipmunk voice while talking to Michael Sarah was foreshadowing was foreshadowing of this moment where she goes So Connie and mr. Goon are on their way to go catch them well

No, they don't want to catch them. They want to let them lead them to the bombs. Right. So, so they're on their way to do that and they get hit by a train. Yeah. Okay. So, he sets up this or he's got this brilliant plan where he's going to put the truck on remote control. I guess it has a function like that. And then he's going to play the William tell over to her because that's going to fuck with their throw off their computers, their computer right voice recognition yeah exactly and then they're gonna follow the truck and but they won't be in the truck see because the truck will be just going by itself and they'll sneak off to the old christian place and nobody will know where they are and of course that works perfectly because at one point

goon and and and conny drive straight into a train Drive on to a train track, yeah. Yeah. And get hit by a train and die. They see a train coming and I guess Mr. Goon thinks he can beat it but he can't. So hey, it all came full circle guys. Car getting hit by a train early. Car gets hit by a train late.

That's brilliance. It's just like the general. So yeah, and also the reaction is insane because like for the rest of the movie they're just trying to follow along and kind of not be seen and occasionally attack them so that they'll think you know that some whatever but now they're like oh fuck they're driving slowly and playing with the William Del Hovercher car in the cavalry yeah he literally tries to make it across a chain train track so that he will not miss the car and gets hit by a train. Yeah, right. They're willing to die to stop with the William Tellover trip from playing.

Right. So they make it so that those characters are dead and they never had any meaning and you think about the choices you made in life that led you to watching this movie. But they make it to the church that's made out of dicks they make it to dick church and then the rotary club shows up to join them there to greet them as much old folks going like hey they made it that's awfully nifty right and then they they go to the the computer that's gonna destroy everything that's gonna take down and it's a fucking it could it looks like an, it looks like an Atari. It looks like an Atari glued to the top of a filing cabinet. And the music tone code, which we've been waiting for, the entire film, which is a tape of them playing onward Christian soldiers.

Yep. He needs to put a tape of onward Christian soldiers into this computer and it's gonna blow up all the computers in the world. Well, no, just in Jerry's headquarters. So yeah, so David puts in the code into the computer and Jerry's Atari 2600 goes bat shit. While this is going on, of course, they catch up to the truck. And I only mention that because there's this great scene where the guy like they catch

up to the truck and they go in, they there like, huh, no one's here. And he pulls out the cassette with the William Tellover Chironon. And he looks at it and he's like, that wasn't them singing the William Tellover Chironon. I was wondering how they did violin voices. No, never know. So they put the tape into the computer and the computer explodes and the damn nearby also explodes and it explodes in miniature and I say that because like okay like you can imagine a damn bursting forth there's kind of a lot of water that's got pressure but this like breaks like if you ever made a gingerbread

house that didn't make it you know they just sort of like the water sort of just dribbles over and it breaks you got like a dumb cut everyone's got that dumb little cuz like when they're too young to do stuff but they still get to play so they're like my gingerbread house went boom boom and you're like oh adorable but then they're 13 you're like all right they're making they're making feature length movies and whatnot you're like you could get their rest of their so yeah and and then yeah there's there's fucking explosions and there's Was there bowling ball sized hail falling on their headquarters?

Was that just me so that the tone code that he put into the computer from the earlier movie made giant hail fall onto the headquarters. Yeah, so everything blows up and Jody Praise and accepts Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior dear Jesus. Please come get me from the orphanage and take me to your fancy mansion Consider yourself a friend Yeah, yeah, and then we get the Morbred burl ives music about burning and hell that we started the movie off with right now We find out what hurt Johnny Cash and how that we started the movie off with. Now we find out what hurt Johnny Cash.

And then we get Jerry crying like a deflated balloon. Yeah, the city on his balls scene. The only, the only, everything's blowing up around him and he's alone in the office. And the only thing I can describe it as is, do you remember when an anchor man 2, when Ron Burgundy gets kicked in the balls, and he goes, Mommy, you baby's hurting, someone hurt you baby. That is how Jerry screams it like this.

He's like, he's like, he's stepped on a Lego. There's no... But there's even like a, hee hee hee he. There's no, there's there's there's even like a and there's somewhere that's just like he actually pulls one of those out. Yeah, I think that man had never cried. I think that that actor had never been sad. And so they were like, all right, and crying. He was like, what's going on? I'm not going to say not help people cry.

That's the day he learned that that air. He's the only one who cries like that in the world. I guess. Yeah, and that's it. So like we get a half-hap or drive Jesus quote in the movie and... And I love the quote to its Matthew 725 that has the words rock and church in it. Like in the movies like say, we didn't make up the rock church bit, guys. This's real it's real it's in the fucking movie so yeah I mean once they get through all the Yammer and about Jesus for a really long time in the back of a truck part of this movie it seems really eager to just get the fuck over with as eager as I was for it to get the fuck over with

I mean yeah it's like this is the cinematic finale equivalent of like the porn got really weird while you were jerking off and you're almost done and you got it because you don't know exactly what they're going to do with that giraffe by the end of it and you're trying to finish up. That's how this movie is. Yeah, you're watching a perfectly normal hentai and then they're shitting each other's mouths and you're just like guys, some kind of transition. I just want to say, that's some titles. Someone tell me they're about,

but that's just a thing. I've gone. Oh, no, no, no, no. You've made the exact point I was trying to make. It was poopstuff during end time. All right, so I think it's safe to say that this was a successful apart for us, kingdom of the crystal skull,

but there's no use in pointing out problems if you're not also going to bring solutions. So Eli, I know you're not a script doctor, but you play one in the following segment of the podcast. Tell me the movie that you would have made. All right. So you've seen the first three. How would you have finished the story? Okay. So it turns out that she is that Jody is actually brother Christopher in disguise. Okay. Which makes sense because she's being pup-puppeted by Satan and she kind of looks like a deflated puppet So she pulls off her wig and then she gets in and she pulls out two swords the red katana of night and the dark

Katana of light and she just goes after days She just cuts him to shreds But then the chorus from the beginning the very first movie I wish we'd all been ready Uh-huh, they come up and they've got bags full of gold because they've been baking bread. They throw them at her like ninja, they've got them tied together and use them like non-tracks. And then Jimmy the mutant pulls off his face and he throws it at Jenny and he covers her up. And then she's blinded momentarily. And that's when she gets slide kicked by the kid who's had kids a ghost now

He's like nearly headless Nick. He's got no head in the little baby who died before he comes He side kicks her in the side and then Satan just comes bursting out of her chest and Jesus comes and they just they just do a Fuckin windmill back and forth just run in their hands over each other's privates in a in a sweaty wet mixture of come and Russ Doughton just dives head first into it and a helicopter comes and lands crushing the entire cast and crew and the movie is buried underground like the fucking Indiana Jones it gets wheeled into a fucking warehouse full of boxes and I get to watch her camera and again. And that's how the musical will end guys so check out kickstarter.com

forward slash image of the thief of the Prodigal Beast Anyway, so I guess that's gonna do it for all four of these stupid fucking movies But we're not quite ready to put a bow on the show just yet We still got a TG with a quick peek at what's next. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. What if? Now I gotta be honest with you,

I did not have a chance to watch the trailer before we started recording. So tell me, what do I have to look forward to? Let me set you up. Okay, you know it's a wonderful life. Oh yes. Okay, so this is, it's a wonderful life, but it's if instead of what if you hadn't been born

It's what if instead of being a successful businessman Kevin Sorbo You had been a preacher with two kids who fucked and stayed with your high school girlfriend And we're going to watch Kevin Sorbo realize that it's way better to be a struggling poor preacher with two kids who's with your high school girlfriend Then it is to be a successful businessman, which is what he is in this movie. You had me at Kevin Sorbo Yeah, awesome Actually, you had me and not produced by Russell S. Doughton. I had you with no helicopter I don't think I can ever enjoy a helicopter see I gotta go see the new James Bond one because I think they got a pretty cool helicopter scene in there

Maybe I can wash that Dude I've jerked off to Monica blue see so many times. I feel like I owe her a drink You don't know but I just hear I owe you some money I apologize. You're a person and I just I just want you to know that I really you're a great actress too. I like your body too. I apologize miss but oh you don't speak English this is much better. Awesome makes me good.

Okay good. Nothing. Ignore those hand gestures. That's the same in Italian. Dammit. So with all that to look forward to we're going to bring episode 15 to a merciful close once again huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks you can make a per episode donation Damn it! So, with all that to look forward to, we're going to bring Episode 15 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful. That's patreon.com slash god awful. And there by earn early access to an extended version of every episode, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist and the skeptic rat, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever

Elts Podcast live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com. Our theme music was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, Aviva La Jaraf Son Mars, and additional music this week was provided by Anna Phyllis Smith. If you'd like to hear more from either of these marvelous artists, check the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right and Eli Bosnick. I'm Noel Lozantz promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck off, cock sucka.

My levels are fine, I guess, once you get to know him. He's gonna appreciate my level. My levels will go down on you like way to wet and that's what really matters that's a really important part