God Awful Movies - 150: GAM150 God's Army 2: States of Grace

Episode Date: July 3, 2018

This week, guest masochists Mark and Doug from the How to Heretic podcast join us for an atheist review of "God's Army 2: States of Grace"; the story of a Mormon writer/director who really wants us to believe that going on a Mormon mission is an unrelenting series of action sequences. --- For more info on our 10/6 live show in London, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-london-tickets-47591873575 --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

I'm Feliciano López and I know that there is no perfect life. Neither the perfect goal nor the perfect game. But there is a perfect energy and is in perfect energy. Integral solutions of solar energy and self-consumption. As I do, I enter in perfect energy, point-to-com and change energy. It's amazing to just cut back to Elder Farrell sitting at the same table with a black person. He is so fucking afraid. I'm surprised he's not crying in the corner.

He's looking at me. Do they eat food like we do? What if he wants to hear some jazz? Every time he looks at him, he starts scatting out of fear Oh look that calmed him down OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII my good friend Heath N. Wright. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, uh, you remember the LA riots? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So did the white people who made this movie. So, fun depiction of Los Angeles. Oh, yeah. And sitting 81 miles to my right, of course, is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm pretty fantastic. No, you know, I thought originally for this episode, we were just going to take a woman and beat her up on the air, but I think this is, is

this worse? I think we found the worst thing to do. I really did it well here, the abuse of women this episode. It's really. Yeah. And we're also fortunate to be welcoming two guest massacres this week. You may know Mark and Doug from thank God, I'm a thie is or from the how to heretic. But if you know them and all, you know them to be a couple of ex-mose God, where were you guys last week, but at least we've got you this way. Oh, I felt so bad for you guys. Oh, I need the fucking rose that a stone. I need you know, it was a magic fucking thumb and ummm or whatever to figure out that

God damn show. It was written in that fucking movie was written in reform Egyptian. So thanks for having us guys. It's good to be here. And, you know, Uncle Doug is my actual little brother. And he's, he's kind of the third wheel on our, our show at the How to Heretic. And, you know, he's atheist podcasting's first heterosexual male fluffer. So he comes to me and I'm straight right through it. Not true. But you work. Don't you be jumping on he's claimed a fame?

What's up, Heath? Hey, how's it going? Just bluffing. All right. So tell us, Heath, once you're, you know, finished, obviously, what will we be? I'm good. We'll be breaking down today. We watched God's Army two states of grace. It's a buddy cop movie about a Nephite and a log cabin laymanite, who's a Mormon special ops team tries to clean up the mean streets of Santa Monica, California. It's a it's missionary impossible. It's pretty.

For so many reasons, missionaries impossible. All right, and Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you hated the horrible psychological abuse of God, Klarmi, one, but the high, high stakes of whether or not you were wishing to the right demon were just too much for you. You will love this movie. This movie involves a child murder, a drive by shooting and a reformed gang member, but it's major conflict is two consenting adults fucking. All right.

And now, of course, we're extending out Mormon movie month by one extra week by popular demand. And we needed X most this week because the contention of this movie clearly is that going on a Mormon mission is just one action adventure after another, right? It's all good fights and gang wars and drive buys and basketball tournaments. So we have, I believe we have a former missionary on with us, don't we? That's right.

I am your former missionary expert. Oh, right. So is that how we go Beverly Hills or what? It's, it's, it's, it's like living the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. It's amazing. And Doug, Doug went to the Beverly Hills of Central America. He went to Honduras. Oh, well, at least they didn't take any kids from you on the way back. Okay. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst tattoos.

They are ridiculous. One of the main characters has the silliest tattoos and they clearly wrote in a reason to have his shirt off just to show off these terrible, terrible choices. They're somehow like eight bit graphics. They're made of like black licorice sprinkles and a glue stick and the two biggest pieces are the word familiar. And this guy's last name. Yeah.

Like if I spend $1,000 to write, surname and across my news for ever in giant letters. Okay. I was going to go with best worst confession. All right. There's a moment in this movie where the love interest has to tell the main character. I don't know. Maybe main character, sub main character, co main character about her sorted past. And you know, my wife can't have kids. So

I'll never know what it is to hold my first son or daughter in my arm, but I have this scene. So I kind of know what it's like. It's goddamn amazing. You have teeth too, whatever. But I never held you in my arms. You might get a chance to hold a baby in your arms someday that belongs to somebody else. We'll talk about it later. If you accept Mark's offer after all the years of me grabbing babies at malls and you being like, put it back, put it back. We will be strong. You grab shitty babies at malls, man.

Yeah. I want to nominate this for best worst y'all know how to party. Yeah. I mean, we'll get there, but usually when someone says y'all know how to party, in my mind, I see Dre and Tupac with a bunch of girls and bikinis. I don't normally see a Midwestern accountant's retirement party. Yeah. And rocks.

I mean, if it was like that self-aware comic movie we did last week, that would have been exactly right. You know, like if they were making fun of how Mormons party, that this would have been exactly spot on, but they weren't. So it's amazing. I had, I had best worst. How can I be a racist? I made a movie about my black friend. The racial politics of this movie are alarming, but they are also

super woke from a Mormon context. This is the Mormon version of your dad sending you a text being like, if you heard about these black lives, Matturin, I mean, I was thought that I don't know. I got a friend Rick at work. He's got a t-shirt. So Rick's cool. Yeah, this is your grandma saying, I saw black in the swimming pool and I didn't call the SWAT team. I was surprised. Right.

Doesn't come off in case you were wondering. Yeah. All right. Well, we've got something like 50 pages of collective notes. So we're going to keep the break brief, but when we come back, we're going to dive into all the heroic undertakings that are gods army to states of grace. Death, what are you doing? Hey, hey, layas, just trying to move the old mattress. Oh, now, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not, as you can see move the old mattress. Oh, now, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's not, as you can see, the nicest mattress. It's really not that nice at all, but super expensive. So, look, I should, you know, take it with me. So, get it right in the corner. Why don't you just try Casper mattress? Oh, what's, what's Casper mattress? It's the internet's favorite mattress. The breathable design of each mattress helps you sleep cool and regulates your body temperature

throughout the night. You could be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk-free sleep on a trial and returns your hassle. If you're not completely satisfied. Wow. That, that sounds pretty good. I mean, this one keeps me cool too though. Oh, it does. How? Yeah. Well, it's got holes, coolness, holes. Cool. But right now podcasts listeners are invited to take advantage of Casper's competitive limited time only. Fourth of July offer for a limited time visit Casper.com slash savings and save up to $225 off your order. It's a limited time offer only. The special offer expires July 9, 2018, terms and conditions apply. So if I go to Casper.com slash savings, I can save up to $225 off my first order until

July 9, you bet you can. Wow. Do you have a Casper mattress? I sure do. In fact, the fact that my Casper mattress arrived to my door and that how they do its side's box was one of the reasons I chose them and I've never slept better. All right, squeaky. I think it's time to let you go, buddy.

I'm not that. Name the mattress squeaky is because of the springs in there. No. It's filled with mice. Oh, okay, it's weak. It breathes with the holes. That's how the holes go. Hey podcast listener, do you love God-offal movies? I say goodbye, this just won't do. What do you mean? Allow me, old boy, who'd even podcast Partitioner. It's me, British Live Tour announcer guy.

He was triumphed in rules, don't you know? The first day of a Goraful movie program at the London's beautiful Conway Hall! Quite so. The chefs will be taking on some of Christian cinema's biggest food paths. There will be costumes, chicanaery and more, or an October 6th at APL. That was chicanaery, don't you know. And don't forget about platinum tickets, which include dinner and private ref tracks viewing of the movie the night before with the cast, don't you know? And don't forget about Platinum tickets, which include dinner and private rift tracks viewing of the movie the night before with the cast, don't you know?

DOS who comes with a gift bag that contains all our merchandise, but dead weight! There's only 30 tickets to Platinum Night and they sell Mac biscuits! That was the biscuit! So check the show notes of this episode for ticket links and more! If you attend, we'll have sex with you overchat Wait what Thanks And we're back for the breakdown and this movie isn't gonna make us wait for the bad sports and you can get that square off your game

Bingo right the fuck away We're gonna open with a montage of Mormons missing shots in basketball. It's the best. You like the director definitely wanted to skip the actual playing of basketball. But these actors were like, no, I played three years to CYO at St. Catherine's. I can do through the legs, dribble. I can ball. I made for this role and insisted.

It was the first basketball game ever to get to 100 points with just granny shots, I think. And definitely at one point, they were like, okay, so how many black guys you think we should have in the basketball scene? Like what seems the least racist? Should we do like one or one? One, one, one. Yeah. Three out of five seems the most races. Yeah, we'll do one. We'll do one. And for a movie that had more than one black actor to only cast one

in the basketball game was a ballsy move. Yeah, right. But to be fair, based on the amount of black actors, they could probably get their hands on. They would have had to beat people in double parts. So it would have been like the guy who shoots the later on a mustache. I'm sure they tried it and threw that idea out. Well, the guy that they probably had a guy that wanted, they wanted to have shooting baskets holding a boom box on his shoulder and he quit. And of course, we have to get some sexism right away. Just a racism won't do. So there's two women watching the men play and then one woman wants to play and she's able to throw a basketball in a hoop despite the

vagina. Oh, she was good. Yeah. Sarah Huckabee Sanchez can ball. This is Latina. Sarah Huckabee Sanders and I find her very attractive actually, weirdly. So the whole point of this moment in the movie is like, you're a girl. You can't play and then she's good at basketball. But I wanted her to like charge the basket, just start throwing elbows. She's like, oh god, damn it. This is why we don't do play. No, this basketball game rivals the one in cat woman.

We redid Heath's choice for the superhero movie on our secular bonus episode. I'm just saying. All right. So they play basketball for, I don't know, 45 minutes, an hour on screen. And then all the, and there's all Mormons, all in their Mormon gear. And then everybody goes to pack it up. But Luzano is as he'll eventually be named, wants to play some more. And he's really pissed that everybody else wants to go off and Mormon when they could be playing basketball. And the point of this is that Luzano's only got a couple more weeks. And then he's out of this place. So Doug, as our resident former missionary was leaving your mission like being a nom. Like did you talk

about big breath and airlines to heroin and fuck Vietnamese hookers because he is counting the days. He's cutting himself to market down. Well, Eli, I was in Honduras for my mission. So I would have done pretty much anything for some penicillin. I literally contracted malaria and I had dangae fever and dysentery at the same time. Oh Jesus. Yeah. ST malaria. Yeah.

All right. So, but everybody has to go back and and and Mormon some more. So he reluctantly heads off with his impossibly white like Platonic form of Mormon the partner for Luzano. Yeah, that's elder feral and yes, I want to talk about elder feral's physical appearance here if we can't Because I don't think we're gonna stop talking about it, but Elder feral's face is like when you go to look at a new house and there's no furniture in it, just a different side of the page carpet. He's got an unfernished face. Oh my god, that's perfect. Elder Farrell looks like he's been shadowing someone to use car dealership for the last 16 years. It's just like any day to get out on the sales floor on my own.

And then a street diversity montage later. And I want to point out, okay, this takes place in Santa Monica, California, which according to this filmmaker is one long graffiti scrolled alley that runs along the Pacific Ocean for 17 miles, right? Yeah. It's just women and bikinis, heroin addicts, women and bikinis, heroin addicts. All Santa Monica is. Well, that probably is about.

We're a cool place. Correct. Yeah. So the two Mormons are walking through there and they're talking about, I don't fucking, they're speaking Mormon, right? I noticed that hot women were walking by, but I don't know what the hell they were talking about Oh, you want me to tell you what they were talking about Dog what were they talking about

All I know is every time I sing a hymn I get a woody. Yes Oh, right. Oh, that was fucking amazing. So this hot chick walks by and the one more man turns to the other and says, sing a hymn. And he's like, what? He's like, when you have a dirty thought, sing a hymn. What? I'm just going to throw this out there right now. That would be a tough world for me. That was not going to happen.

Dude, do you see the new Kim Kardashian photo shoot? No, show me. Okay, check it out, check it out. Look. Oh, love a massive pack, grandflare. Hey, hey, what are you doing? Oh, sorry, man, you know what they say? Dirty thoughts, sing a hymn. Okay, okay.

I guess I can't blame you. Anyway, just see the new Helen Mirren movie. I hear she's like, super, super good. Oh, Jesus. Okay, okay. So Helen Mirren did it. Yep, sure. Okay, I mean, two votes.

All right, how about we just play some pinball? Yeah, yeah, that should be fine. I guess there won't be any issues. Cool. Yeah, good, good. Yeah, I remember playing this as a little kid. So much fun. Goose, play a lot of. Okay, get the fuck out.

Oh! I apologize for the record I apologize. That's why I would let you back. I'd be walking around like those grail monks just like, Hey, baby, go. Hi. Sorry. All right. So as they're having this singing him, stop looking at these hot chicks moment,

they run into it literally run into a group of name and nights, but just street blacks that would like to beat them up for encountering them. Can we talk about the hair trigger of this group of guys? Oh my god. They didn't bump into a group of black men. They bumped into what Jeff Sessions thinks about as the auto is fixates. I would love to see these guys at the shopping mall or on public transit, just trying to live their lives at that level of volatility.

It would look like that scene from the Matrix 2 where he's taken out all of the agents, myths or something. Yeah. There's an important Mormon life lesson here, which is that if you look lustily in a woman that isn't your cousin, you will run into black people who will be rude. But, but as we find out later in this altercation, as luck would have it, if the fight with black people breaks out, it'll always fall apart because it degenerates into infighting among themselves like Africa or, or biggie and two pack.

Exactly. It's so, like every single negative black stereotype in like five seconds. They bump on the street and these three guys turn into fucking Boko Haram's rape squad all of a sudden. The guy like AK 47s with like 22 inch spinners on the side for no reason. It's so ridiculous. Chicken stuck into the spokes of the spinners. He's chom jumping on it. Not chicken. And then also, by the way, they have this great moment. And this is one of the

classic Christian movie conundrums where these guys have to like yell at these Mormons, these, these, these gangsters, but they're not cussing, right? So they're going, what's up, John de Baptist? Come on, John de Baptist. That will sort of be an allegory for who you later will be in the movie is John de Baptist. That's the cussing. But yes, but of course, if they'll be okay, because the second they walk away, a drive by gangster comes through to Moam down with a fully automatic. I love the same. And we should clarify, when we say fully automatic, we mean like the machine gun Arnold pulls

off of the military truck in Terminator 2. It is like a mini gun. This thing shoots a bajillion bullets. And oddly enough, I want to see if anyone else noticed this. The first thing he shoots is their popcorn stand. I don't think A was a big thing for this guy. Yeah. The gang banger in this stop by shooting is having more trouble using it. I would have using a vagina. So you fucking moron to get a simpler gun. Absolutely. Having a lot of like I hate to give notes to the murder gang, but maybe practice up on the reloading. Yeah. I mean, it's like an infomercial for

Ron Popeel's bump staff. Oh my God. It must be easier. He unloads a D day quantity of bullets from this constant jamming gun. So yeah, yeah, all of fucking Matt Damon's brothers were taken out during the shooting of this scene. So the drive by ads, and of course, I'm sorry, well, during the drive by the Mormon has to have a saving the frozen little girl moment, right? Okay. Luzaro saves the little girl, but Al elder feral gets something in his eye and Paul's a timeout.

I know. I imagine this is what going to war with Eli would be like, let's take the hell and elder feral like, I got something in my eye. Ow, time out. Seriously, guys, stop. Stop my fingers. Oh my god, your finger. How'd you stop your finger?

And we know we know he was he was being serious because he literally only has one eye. It just touches right in the middle. All right. So then the guy drives off from the drive by shooting. Oh, well, I'm sorry. Yeah. The stop by shooting the park and like back up a little bit. Make sure you're in the lines and then fire shooting that they had there. And then all the gags

just run off except the big guy that was being super mean to the Mormons. He's shot, but he's still alive. So Luzano is going to a save his life and be revealed. He's not wearing his temple garments. Y'all, there were gun, there was gunfire there. He needed that shit. Yeah, that would have saved him. And of course, this is what this, the reason he's not wearing his temple garment and the reason we know this is because he has to take off his shirt to help the, the, the, the black dude that just got shot and thereby reveal his awesome tattoos. Awesome tattoos. I love that. Elder Fareral is a little shaken by the multiple casualties and lakes of blood, but he was not ready to see elderless.

I'm getting a cry. That was the disturbing thing about this moment. Yeah, and I needed him to address what the tattoos were like, hey, let me ask something. Is that just your last fucking name? A lot dripping off the letters and eyeballs with teardrops. Like, what are you doing? And as we'll see, these guys sleep so close together, they could hold hands while they masturbate. They can't close the door to their bathroom. And somehow elder Farrell didn't realize that his companion was the lead singer of the band crazy town.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait we were, yeah, Mark, you don't get that part. Sure. We're moving faster than a drive by shooting and reverse. Just when you think more or less, we can't get more fucked up. They're not allowed to close the bathroom to our. Oh my gosh, I want to be a Mormon missionary now just for the punishment. Exactly. It's like just. Just to keep eye contact. You're shooting. No, why did you join at 42?

It's because my shit smell really bad now. Dude, the blood is splashing up onto your chest. Go to a doctor. No, I'm fine. Do you have any appointments this afternoon? Stop talking to me. Lock eyes with me. Doctor Now I'm fine too many appointments this afternoon What Tell me

Do I'm gonna hold your hand It's pretty bloody right now. I can't. I can't. I can't. You don't watch. Oh, dude, round two other paper. Just previewed up bloody shirts. So now, Luzano is desperately trying to save this black to his life.

The black guy's pretty sure he's going to die and go to hell. And he's pretty sure that the Mormon dude can give him last rights or something and keep him out of hell, which he can write, like by Mormon magic. For some reason, he is real stingy about it. Yeah. So the one thing Mormons could have done was apply consecrated oil to his forehead and given him a blessing. It's not quite the same thing to that. Yeah. Well, when a white guy's hurting, yes, we are not for this dude. And by the way, the way that he treated this gunshot victim with a gut shot and an arm shot was by applying two turnipets to the same arm and not dressing as gut shot till the end. I was wondering where he's going gonna put that second turn again.

I'm like, are you gonna tie that around his chest? I don't know what your play also next to his right shoulder heart. Oh, okay. All right. So we cut to the emergency room. And apparently the Mormons hitched a ride in the ambulance with this guy. How the fuck did they get there? As you do.

This is what happens. The doctors are wheeling him and they go, okay, we'll take it from here. Please back up and he's like, no. Yeah. I'm gonna hang out. You guys have any snacks or anything? And then this really happens. Luzano who's covered in the tattoos, just goes, looks around

the emergency room where people are like bleeding and pregnant and sick and he goes, I need a shirt. Who has a shirt for me? Does anyone have a shirt? Let's talk about the people in the emergency room. Like the extra's work was phenomenal. The dress is like, okay, big black lady, you're like a broken rumba that goes back and forth with the nice bag in your head. And you are pregnant.

And that hurts like crazy. But the face of your face looks like an anime deep and swearing revenge. Well, guarding platforms like a Mario. And okay. So I'm the way out of the hospital, the Mormons are heading out. The head Mormon shows up. Yeah, I would say imagine the thing from Fantastic Four if instead of Orange Rock, they used mashed potatoes. Yeah, he looks like he gave it carrying master around the thunder

dome and took up accounting. It looks like if I ate Willy Wonka's bubblegum. He's huge. Just like four people all standing together in like a horse costume, but just together standing. In my notes, I call him Michael Chicklets.

And Doug, that's a mission president, right? And they don't introduce us to him. They don't tell us who this man is. He's just some enormous man who shows up at the hospital with an extra shirt for a young boy. Yeah. Okay. Why is that weird?

Why do you think that's a strange thing? Judgy. Judgy. All right. So then the Mormons go home. And this is where we meet crazy, homeless guy screaming about Jesus in front of their apartment 24 hours a day. And hey, gods army too. You know what? I did not expect the mentally ill, homeless man yelling about Christ to be one of the main characters of your movie, Tushay, Tushay. yelling about Christ to be one of the main characters of your movie, Tushay, Tushay. So, you know, you know, you know, he's crazy because a black, but also bowling shoes, how crazy is that?

Huh? Yep. So crazy and homeless. So the Mormons get back to their house. Oh, and this is where we meet love interest, right? She comes walking by in her little waitress outfit and neither of them sing a hymn so they're not taking their own advice. So yeah, so she walks by and we have to see that she's a good person because right away she gives money to the homeless preacher guy, right? She gives them like a quarter. I was like, all right, don't go crazy.

And he's unable to fight his jungle urges because of his cursed race. So we have to check out her behind and comment on it. She's like, oh, you're crazy. And he's like, yeah, bowling shoes. I love that he works into the ceremony. He's like, you must not commit adultery no matter how much that apple would just crack right down the scene. Covered it up, everybody Nice. Move. Jesus. So, yeah, so we got Luzano. He's scratching off mission days like a cartoon prisoner. We watched them fall asleep and then we watched them wake up because this movie is damn specific, right?

Yeah. How would we know how they became awake again if we didn't watch them wake up? It's like a two year version of 24, right? And it felt like it too, because this mood, it's like, fuck, this movie was so full of filler. In addition to the real time shit, it was just excruciating. Oh, yeah. All right. So the Mormons are, they're doing there like morning prayer. By the way, also, and this is a question for you, Doug, do Mormons sleep in their starch white shirts? No, of course not.

But then in this movie, we would have had to watch them take off their shirts, hang up their shirts, get out of bed, put on their shirts, button their shirts, or we'd be totally lost. Right. No, that's the very different. Close. What happened? That's called Close what happened Call the near the year is it turning potatoes into starch

All the Mormons who saw this movie go on IMDB to put in a goof every time there's a cut Images do not disappear and reappear like that All right, so the Mormons head out to do some mormoning, but first they've got to go into the hospital and check out a check on Carl. Carl is the guy that got shot earlier. Oh, man, they don't do it. No, no, because it wasn't because there were too many black people in the room. Yeah.

They like, man, that room is not to light some at all. That's 100% what happened it was like all right Let's go say hi to the guy we save. Oh Good amount of black Charts says come back later More than one get out of here Yeah, right and of course, I'm writing my notes at this point. Oh my god Carl's gonna turn white by the end of this movie isn't he? Spoiler alert. he? He's not. All right. So they leave Carl and they go to knock on some doors and we get their little montage of people not being interested in their cult.

Oh, yeah. Jesus. This part is unfortunately very realistic. Of course it is. Who wants to answer the fucking door? Exactly. Poor, drunk guy being fat and drunk alone in his house. Why doesn't he let us in? Yeah. Because you're even worse than being fat and drunk and alone in a house. And they're so mad about him not letting him in. It's like, you know, why doesn't he let us come in and fucking while he makes his fried banana sandwiches? What a dick. Oh, it's so, it's so indicative of like the Mormon attitude that they're

always the victims of whatever shit they start. Question. Are you guys going for like that day baptism in that guy's tub? Is that a real thing? Because that's what they indicate in the movie. They like, walk out and like, nobody ever let's just bade with them right away. We should rethink the pitch for the baptism? Is that real though? Well, listen, we'll get to it later on. But if there, if somebody says, yes, I'll get baptized, they're, the wheels are greased. They will have you underwater very quickly. Yeah. The average, the average missionary in North America, Doug, what do you think? Probably gets three zero to three baptisms in two years, wouldn't you say? That's best.

Yeah. So if there's a bathtub nearby, you best watch out. One more is like standing behind you in his hands and knees. The other person's in front. I was going to say, if you slip and fall on a tub near a Mormon, they might keep you under there for just a little bit longer. Hey, sorry, I just needed that to count. You okay?

You're a different religion now. Congratulations. They're just thinking of the edge of swimming pools watching the kids. Yeah. All right. So and then we have, at the end of this montage, it ends on the weird, creepy beach homeless guy that wants to have lots of wives. Right. And we get some nice lies here. It's like, hey, if I join your Mormonism, can I have lots of wives? And they're like, actually, church put an end to that. No. And if you do that, they

excommunicate you. No. Well, some of them did some of the Mormonism, it's your movie. Why are you bringing this up? Two, two moments here. First of all, the guy is more of a whitey ginger than Doug. So what is he doing on the beach? Fuck you. Secondly, I love that they in the Mormon context, what sexy is marriage. I want to marry a lot.

That's what, that's like surfer players thing. So many weddings. He's looking at that volleyball game of bikini-clad women thinking, I'm sure like to get married. Yeah, right. We're gonna go to Target every day. Embossed stationary bro. And by speaking of the fucking volleyball shot here, there are an absurd number of gratuitous bikini shots early in this Mormon movie. Like I bet in the VHS days, these scenes skipped in a lot of Mormon houses. I bet these actors were just like silent. Constantly.

They have got we got we got to film. We have to they were playing it over loudspeakers on set. Yeah. To cover all the soft weeping of the shame boners. Yeah. Right. All right. So that night they're winding down after a hard day of mormoning. And then this is where Luzato finally decides to tell fucking elder manays about his gangster past. Is this where it starts with him fingering his belly in the bathroom? Yeah, that's correct.

Yeah, that's correct. My copy skipped a few times on that scene. And listener, I cannot describe what we are sparing you when I say that there are 700 solid minutes of these Mormons just sort of Wandering from room to room Certainly each other like an early 1970s dark romantic comedy sex scene Like this opened up like sex lies and videotape sex scene, right? Like I thought you were just gonna like slowly unbutt, but no, they're gonna talk about him being in a gang. And his story is, I wanted to do a gang like my older brother was in, you know,

like the brothers in the hospital today, but then I got hit by another gang, like the guy in the hospital today. I got shot in the gut, like the guy in the hospital today, but then I met a Mormon, like the guy in the hospital. Yes! Is this whole thing some kind of Shakespearean play within a play? like the guy in the hospital today but then i met a mormon like the guy in the hospital yes and play within a plate and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and the guy who ran the pharmacy he got bonus gang points. Okay man, you want to join our gang? You got to rob that pharmacy. I got it. Yeah but if you kill the owner you win for life.

Whoa, for life man. Life homes for life. Okay. What if I don't kill him? Oh, that's a good question. Well, this is Mark. He's from HR and he's gonna explain that. Yeah.

I say Mark from HR. So if you don't kill the owner of the pharmacy, you will be on a five year probationary period, but you can renew to a lifetime membership at any time within that to five years. Probationary period homes. Okay. And after that five years. Robationary period homes. Okay, and after the five years? Okay, well, then you get a performance review, man.

That will be with three other gang members. And you review that a seven year program, including for Nuta Tuz and a larger share of Krakkot Kanya sales. But again, that depends on how you do in your performance review. Cool, cool. I like to give a feedback sandwich. Feedback sandwich homes. Good and bad.

Don't you know I'm local. So, you know, what I find so morally repugnant and problematic about this movie is that it is elder pharaohs. The useless fragile man child is really the protagonist because he's white, right? It's not the former Latin Kings gang member who found redemption and fought his, you know, his way out and chose to serve people. It's not the black criminal who stared death in the face and allowed himself to be vulnerable and reach out to the strangers who saved him.

It's the blubbering white diaper full of vanilla pudding that in nobles the duskier people by sitting there and looking fat and dumb because his parents decided what his religion was and he never bothered to think about it. Yes. It's the fucking triumph of mayonnaise, casserole and clueless white American privilege. Yes. Yes. And he's the protagonist. Yes.

Well, and it makes so little sense that I didn't realize it until the credits came. I was like, oh, I was supposed to care about that. Yes, right. And he's a fucking coward and a prick. Oh, yeah, nothing redeeming about this character at all And what's amazing to me is at this point like you've got this That Luzano the former gang member saying yeah, and then like another gang came through and shot us up And then I was in the hospital bubble and now I'm a missionary and then they end on I haven't had any baptisms though

I don't think I'm a very good missionary and I'm like Whether you're a good missionary is by far the least interesting aspect of anything in this movie, yes. Right? Also, you guys sounded like you started to talk about this. So he tells a story about how a Mormon missionary got him when he was in the hospital and made him a Mormon. And the guy's brother tubs from Idaho, he like tricked me into memorizing the book of Mormon when we're both in the hospital. And then this guy baptized 30 people when he was down there. So our baptisms like a baseball stat, like a baseball card thing.

I'm sure you won the missionary baseball cards with like your set numbers. 100%. 100%. The number of people you baptized is a direct correlation to your level of righteousness. A hundred. You get stamps like a like a World War one flying ace. No, you get little marks on your chest like Warmonger in black pan. You get water droplet tattoos on your forehead.

Doug, you have to be honest. Did you ever mosey up next to a decaps soda machine next to a girl and be like, yeah, map test like three or four people on my mission today. I feel the kill. Whatever. The name's's Doug Elder Doug. Can I buy you a tab? And I think we skipped over the part where where he admits to being tortured into being a Mormon because he was in an ICU, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Stock recovering next to a Mormon. I would have instantly become a suicide risk. I would become a homicide suicide risk. Yeah. By the way, the order is critical in those. It's a pro tip.

Pro tip, if you're ever in an ICU with a Mormon. Or if you're ever trying to do a suicide homicide, you're in the office. You really have to. Yeah. So okay. Now we're going to fast forward to it's now seven days before a lasano gets home and we're going to play a little more basketball. And he's going to tell us all about what he's got planned. Again, like the fucking guy who's about to get home from Vietnam, he's going to tell us what he's got planned for when he gets home. Oh, I wanted him so they're like, so what are you going to do when he get home? And I wanted him so badly to just be like, fuck.

No condoms. But instead he's like, I'm going to rent three video cassettes every day and watch them and free base coffee the whole time. I'm going to, I'm going to kiss a girl on the lips a hundred times a day was one of the answers. Yep. Just kiss the shit out of her with my hard throbbing, veiny mouth. Yeah, it's like, it reads like the Mormon version of fear and loathing. It's just sad.

Dumb. Dixie chicks binge. Yeah, right. That's right. That was the other thing. The Dixie chicks. There was also this weird little moment because when he says he's gonna, you know, I'm gonna, he says I'm gonna go find Ann Jensen and kiss her a hundred times a day and said

he's like, yes, she's not married. And he just casually goes like, bitch, better not be married. Totally. We'll throw away sexism in there. He'll hurt like a pharmacist. I guess she's not married and he just casually goes like bitch, but I'll be married. Totally. We'll throw away sexism in there. He'll hurt like a pharmacist. Well, Doug, you, you, you were expecting to marry your sweetheart when you came back from your mission, weren't you?

Well, she, she, thanks for bringing this up, Mark. Yeah, no problem. She's done me while I was on my mission. She went on, she went on to be very happy with five kids, so I think we both made the right choice. Yeah. All right. And then just then in the distance, Luzano notices that Carl is out of the hospital and hovering over them as they play basketball.

Oh, God. And just one last thing on the basketball, who the fuck plays street ball with foul shots from the foul on? Everybody lined up. That was the most Mormon thing that's ever happened. Are you serious? Fowl, guys, foul. Line it up. I'm taking two and the ball. That was flagrant. Eli and Mark are incredibly silent during this part. Yeah, right. Oh, man, flag, flagrant. And they found what's crazy. I would shoot it into the hoop. And then I could be right. And then I take a kick penalty from the running front world. hosted by Russia. All right. So Carl, what well done Eli? So Carl

Luzano, go for a chat through graffiti town about how only a Mormon would have stopped that and saved the dying man on the street. And what if your prayers, Mr. Mormon, were the thing that kept me alive in the hospital? Yeah. Carl's basically like, nah, man, most people wouldn't help me. Hell, most riders would have deleted me because of how badly written I am. And then he's like, I woke up once and I saw you praying over me. And let's not I was like, yeah, praying

is what I was doing over you. But you slept. Well done. And then also like fucking pastor Wunderbred is like hovering in the background behind them. Oh yeah. This whole time he's set. He's such a fruity fucking cat in this entire movie. It's like I can hear him writing in his mission journal. Today I overcame my greatest fear. Well, my second greatest.

I waved to a black. It was exhilarating. I may never sleep again. You know what, though, Elder Feral waves it. He waves at Carl like a guy waving it as his kids getting into his ex wife's hotter husbands Ferrari at the soccer game. All right. So now in case you were unclear of what we were watching, we reveal this to be a Mormon letters to Penthouse thing, right? So this is where he pulls out his his book of Mormon from his backpack to find a pen. And Carl goes, what is that interesting looking book you've pulled from your bag? Where can I get one of

my very own nice move. Best. Is that how this happens? Like it's so flagrantly obvious. It's like, oh, let me just find a pen. Maybe it's under this book of Mormon and golden podium. I'll just put this right here, an angle at your face. What were we talking about? And he's like, what's that? Oh, this book is what? You can't wait, watch this fence in history with me,

but it's a book of Mormon. You can't have any. Doug, be honest, how hard did you get when he asked for that book of Mormon just based on your text alone? Half mast, half mast just at the thought. I am currently still wiping off my computer. It got us all the crevices between all the keys. It's a total mess. So again, he's like, no, no, you can have any.

He's like, nah, man, that's too nice a gift for me. I show a love to read that book because you said it was like the Bible and, oh, you know, I love to read the Bible. Corinthians is probably my favorite, but I guess I'll be open into reading anything. Is this something they're called? I'll mother would take forever to read because I would love that book, man just do let's just do an experiment. Walk out on your front porch anywhere you are in the world right now and say in a normal speaking voice, I would like a book of Mormon. And you are not if you hit in the head directly and get a concussion from a missionary, a dressing a book of Mormon at you at high velocity, then you live in Antarctica.

Guys, we had to cut this recording because when Mark said those words, I'm moving a pure, just out of nowhere and handed him six versions. Yeah, exactly. You will, you can get a book of Mormon anytime you want people. Mark, don't say it again. That'll be three times. Yeah. Right.

It's like, it's okay. He's not looking at me here. And then like, and Luzano is like, he's like, oh, can I have that book? And he's like, yeah, man, we've been letting black people touch these for like four decades now, really? Yeah. Anyone was this made? Did you notice that I just have to say a little something about the Chubby Ginger missionary that's kind of watching all this from afar? Again, it, this is mean, but his face is really unsettling. It's like, it's like all his facial features decided to have a race to the middle and whichever one was last was a gay. And so in the ensuing panic, the giant ball was the only one that didn't hear the starting gun. It's just, there was a distinctly sphinctarian look to his face. Yeah. Everybody won that race. Yeah.

It was a tie. He looks like Chuck E. found Jesus. He's the Mormon. Estus Perkle. To be fair to Carl Luzano, if you're a black or a brown person walking around and there's a white guy stalking you in this day and age, you should be concerned. No, yeah. No shit. All right. So now with the Carl's got his book of Mormon. So they had off their head and back to their apartment and they come across the crazy street preacher guy sleeping on the street. They're like, what's he doing sleeping on the street? I'm like, he's fucking homeless. Where did you think he went? And they proceed to have every conversation about good and evil that Heath and I have ever had,

which is where one person is like, hey, should we do anything kind? And the other ones like, no, this person is gross and poor. I'd like to be, I'm a little snacky. We switch off parts. It depends who's snackier. But, but I mean, do something nice. Sure, but like they're talking about picking up this unconscious man and taking them to their home,

but resisting unconscious man. Yes, clearly says no. They're like, come on, man, we're going to take you home. He's like, no, don't. And they're like, no, we're gonna take you home. We're gonna try to like me and Eli will move in a fucking couch all the way back to our apartment. Little for breeze, little bleach. I'm taking this black guy. I'm taking this black guy. Perfect grab, pick him up.

What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do? He'd grab the homeless man's feet so we can kidnap him. Stop being a bitch. Pivot. Pivot. No, you go up. No, no, you go up. My left. It's always my left. When you see someone on the ground, you know, for mysterious reasons, the obvious thing to do is to kidnap them and just move their body as much as possible. Really, more of the

core spin and the neck. Really turn them around a lot. And this is the first homeless guy they've encountered in two years in Venice Beach. Yeah. What? I love the whole like nothing to see here, just two religious sellets stealing an old black man. This is missionary business. Someone tries to stop him. They're just like son of a ham motherfucker.

All right, sorry. He holds out his little, uh, his little name tag clip as though it were a badge. It's all right. I've got this CT R ring. I'm doing the right thing. Yeah. Relax. And then okay. So that even they get their, they get their homeless pet guy home. And we have to have the balcony of temptation moment. And elder fudge face is going to hit on a hot neighbor girl as successfully as he then raised just like, Hey, how's it going? I have a shirt stupid. I got the best we can do for him. Sister St. Christopher Scarol. I have to pee every time I see you. Why?

Slower pee. It's so. That's what they call me. Is I'm not allowed to close my back? You like rapper? That's a great rapper name. Slower P. He might as well try to for like someone with a learning disability. Yes. So if he tries, he might as well try to lean off the balcony and like fall. I'm good. I landed on a homeless guy.

If he left that black guy there, he could have landed on him safely. Yeah, right. He left out exact stories about me in real life. Like, we just make jokes instead. That's fine. So, yes, so he accidentally comes on himself and runs back in from the balcony and then he starts worrying that The sick homeless person that they have in their home now might not be like a good idea They have this amazing

Him trying not to be racist moment right where like, so like, what if when we're asleep, he gets up and like murders us with his jungle fever or any kind of fever, you know, any topographical type of fever, it's any could be anything. I don't know if you guys have talked about the magic Negro before on the show, right? That it's a square on the Gambingo card. Yeah, the wise old Negro who's there to help white teenagers understand every presumption they've made about the world is exactly correct. Yes, yes.

Oh my dear God, this guy and slight diversion in this movie. We also have the enchanted laminite, which is because magic increases with melanin, elder Lano, not quite black, but he's there to teach the phobic doughy, manchild elder feral to stop being such a little bitch about every fucking thing. Yeah. And he's going to start that with his little like, you know, there's a difference between being a Christian and being a fool.

But I'm like, no, the former is what we call a subset. I've seen Eli make this mistake in a lot of Bob a Brinkman concerts, but you're talking about a subset. Liar. Liar, brittle, brittle. All right. So they sleep that night. We watched them wake up for the second goddamn time.

Keep, I'm gonna keep count. There will be several more. And they get up the next morning, they're still, the homeless dude's still asleep. I wanted him to be just standing over one of them with a knife like, ah, I'm the fuck with it. But remember that scene starts with the most randomly long, terrible, front-lit shot of a garbage truck?

Yeah. Why? Why? Why? Oh my God. I think there was a lot of trouble. Look, this truck would have brought over him if they hadn't drug him back to their apartment. Oh, I thought it two hours and eight minutes, the director thought this movie needed some filler.

All right. So now they've got to leave and go Mormon, but they've got a sleeping homeless person in their apartment. What do you do? Um, you go ask the woman next door to walk him and change his pee pad. Exactly. Hey, we've brought an unknown person with clear addiction problems into our house in an undiagnosed state of unconsciousness and locked him in. At some point he's going to wake up in a strange place with some form of withdrawal and realize he can't get out. Hey, you petite single neighbor girl.

Please enter this environment at some point during his inevitable rage panic and surprise him. Yeah. Why? The best. And they, they like, they just met the neighbor. It was like, hello, nice to meet you. We're your neighbor. So there's a homeless man with tuberculosis in our apartment.

I need to check on him throughout the day. Great. Also the cable guy's going to be there between now and midnight. So you better get in there. Nice to meet you. So. All right. So apparently late that night, they got a call from Carl at 230 in the morning and he wants

to be a Mormon at 230 in the morning. What is the backstory there? Carl's just pacing. It's 230 in the morning, home shopping networks, which is over to the sword guy and you've already bought everything he has. So you're like, what are the switch religions? I'm going to switch religions. He gets it.

All right. So they go to this meeting on these bleachers in again, the post apocalyptic hellscape that is Santa Monica, California. Yeah. And when they're talking to Carl on the bleachers, this is, this is like if you asked a theater troupe to sum up the Lafracurve in a single sketch. This poor noble, but dim savage, we just can't fit as many rice grains into his skull. Yes, I'm more darling. Fucking horrendous. It is insane, right? Because he's like, yeah, man, I read the book.

It was real hard for me because I don't read so good white savior, but maybe you could teach me Mazza. Oh, sorry. No, that's the script. Oh, actually, no, it's the same line. It's just from the same script. That's crazy. And Carl's worried that the mission discussions are going to be too boring, but not knowing

that he's about to join a religion with three hour church services. Oh, yeah, right. He's going like, you know, it was hard to read with all the these and those. I'm like, oh, you haven't gotten to the part where they start grafting vines, bro. Um, but Carl, what, and this is where we go full Mormon penthouse letter, right? This is where he's like, I want to be, it says in your book and in the Bible that I need to be baptized. There's a swimming pool right over there.

Can we now? Can we now? And they're like, no. And speaking as a former missionary, yes, that would have happened right then and there. Right, but they're like, no, we have to like waterboard you for three weeks. You can't do the magic water spell right. You're going to need to be a lot more delights. Although I think when when elder fair, the his face lit up what, what emotion he could express on his weird face lit up like a Christmas tree when he realized that he was going to see this gloriously sexual young man all wet. What are we talking about?

Luzano or Carl? Yes. Yep. So, so Doug, what you're telling us is they, they wouldn't have made him earn it through classes. If an adult black man anywhere in the world wants to be baptized, Mormon team six will perish. You know, with their own water and take care of it. Well, and I love because they're like, well, usually it takes weeks to become a Mormon,

but we'll put you on the fast track. And I'm like, oh my God, I want this to turn into a like, she's all that with Mormonism. Right? But they didn't go that way. Yeah, they should have, they should have just popped a smoke grenade. And then one of those firefighting planes just comes over and dumps like 10,000 pounds of rubber and all. Great smoke. Oh, congratulations, kid.

All right. So now we cut back to the homeless guy at their apartment for a little homeless guy wandering around trying to decide whether or not to steal shit montage, right? Yeah. And by the way, this is he wanders around. He's like, I'm going to steal things, but instead he decides to shower. Also, it was, it was an uncomfortably long time watching this mature man in the bathtub. I was deeply uncomfortable with how long we lingered on his ablutions.

Now, this is where Holly, the hot neighbor shows up. She surprises him while he's shaving and he cuts himself. And I only mention that because it leads to that, like when he's at the door with her, it leads to that profoundly sexual moment where she bobs the blood off of his face. She reaches out to him with a tissue to wipe away the blood, the way the and the old movies approach is the horse that no one else could break. Yes! Yes! Why? I know. Relax.

Sun's going downhill. Sun's going downhill. I'm not going to be good. And am I the only person who thinks you should at least hesitate before touching the blood of a homeless man? I don't want to sound like an asshole. I just, assholes. Alright, we're all bloodtouchers here, Doug. Get the fuck up. Alright, so then the Mormons get home.

They're all fired up from a hard day of Mormoning and Holly is in the, they come in and Holly's in the apartment giving the homeless guy a haircut. Oh my God. And also she's made him dinner. She's just like all the domestic issues vacuuming and shit while dusting. Yeah. Every female character in this movie of which there really are only three, right? Well, there's kind of four.

There's Sarah who can be Sanchez. And then there's the neighbor. And then you'll meet a couple later. But all of any of them do is service the men around them, right? That's their job. Like the fact that she just made a lasagna and a punch bowl full of boiled potatoes and brought a single candle over. I'm just a dumb girl. Eat up. Yep. Yeah. Again, if the first God's Army movie, which we watched almost exactly one year ago, which was about psychologically torturing the young men wasn't bad enough.

This movie's really going to dig in just how shitily it treats young women. I mean, it really, that's going to be most of the rest of the movie is just how much this movie and religion hates women. Yeah. The racism in this movie is just the loobe for that fist, right? Yeah. Yeah. A bunch of this movie is just the loo for that fist, right? Yeah, say a book of this movie. And there's just one moment I want to touch on before we get to the dinner scene where

they're all eating her like weird, slavy meal. They come in and they're like, Oh, Holly, how you doing? And they talk for a while. And then the homeless guy who's just been sitting there goes like, hi, and I wanted so badly for them to be like, no, it's chocolate. You layman. I don't address him. They don't acknowledge his existence. They're just like talking about him. Like she's been taking care of someone's sickly cat.

Yeah. Did you give him all his shots? Yeah. You know, I sat on the floor, let him smell me on the floor for a little while. I didn't do it right away. Oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah, it's the attitude is like, okay.

Oh, really? How about anybody who was neutral in the war and the pre-existent shut the fuck up for a minute? Burn. All right. So they sit down to eat, but first they have to say grace. And we have this scene so that elder feral can have to touch Holly's hand and come all over himself again. And also we have to learn that Lewis is pretty damn good at saying grace actually for a homeless black guy, right? Yeah. He, he, he's about to eat and they're like, Lewis, why aren't you eating? He's like, well, I have a dramatic exposition monologue to do white folks. I have a position monologue to do white folks. I have a position monologue to do. I wish he would have done a card trick there and they'd be like cut, cut, cut.

That's not what we mean by that. It's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's wisdom. You have wisdom. Are these flowers yours? All right. So yeah, but we learned the homeless guy whose name is Lewis used to have a church and a congregation, but he doesn't anymore and Holly because she's a fucking idiot that just screams idiot words constantly goes, did it burn down?

It's a black. I mean, you're black. So there's a brick church, first of all. Yes, yeah, immediately I had a brick church. Did it burn? No, it got blown over by a wolf actually. What? What is the right and choice there? You know, my wife died. Did she burn down? Okay. We got a thing going on. I love this whole isle. my daddy was a preacher. His daddy was a preacher. His daddy,

12 time grand daddy was a preacher. We get it Carl crazy. Yeah. Right. Oh, he's Lewis. I'm not exactly sure about my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great daddy. But his daddy was a preacher. So it stands to reason. He was probably also a preacher here. I'm going to like, I have a chart.

I really wanted to be like, I come from a long line of preachers and then you know Slaves sorry to bring the mood That's the kind of slavery that you let us do once we were free, right? So it's not our native religion you use that to play Kate us and it worked So or and then of course we have the little comedy beach scooby-doo ending clothes where he's like, but I still do like to put my penis in women. He, he, he, he, put up. I saw in Eli's, I saw Eli's notes freeze frame and I thought exactly this is exactly. Yes, sitcom endings. You're the best. But before the sitcom ending, it's amazing

to just cut back to Elder Farrell sitting at the same table with a black person. He is so fucking afraid. I'm surprised he's not crying in the corner. He's looking at me. Do they eat food like we do? What if he wants to hear some jazz? Every time he looks at him, he starts scatting out of fear.

Let's keep it. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. Look that calmed him down. All right. So now we've got Luzano and the black guy doing the dishes because they're minorities. And the two white people, the elder white bread and Holly, they walk off so that they can do a little, a little flirting, a little over the pants flirting. And this is where we learn that she, even though she was wearing a

nurse outfit, she's, she's not a nurse. She's an actress. Oh my God. Now Mark, I'm not involved in the moving pictures as much as I was. Did they let you take your costumes home? Just the once and then you never work again. She went to property. Never. That is never, never happened. You show up in your costume with your props that you brought with you. Exactly. It's like, well, that's a wrap, everybody. Good job on this Henry VIII scene. Take the bus. What's your opinion, King Henry VIII?

Oh, I'm an actor. Oh, she's, so he's like, and honestly, this is where I started making the porn actress jokes. I didn't realize they were spoilers, but he's like, and honestly, this is where I started making the porn actress jokes. I didn't realize they were spoilers, but he's like, well, have you been in any movies that we might have seen? And I wrote in like, well, that depends on how Mormon you are, hun, but it does. It really does. It's a porn.

It's the spoiler. Uh, the spoiler. Right. The spoiler is that she's a, she's going to be a porn star, but it's going to be so dark and so terrible and only saved by the fact that Holly is a terrible actress. Yes. Well, she called them sex movies.

I don't, I think that's different than porn, isn't it? We'll get to the sex movies. We'll get to sex. Well, we'll get to sex. But this is where the Mormon has to tell her like actually, you know, I'm risking hell by even letting you in my apartment. I'm not allowed to speak to women because, you know, I've pledged my penis to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And she's like, oh, okay.

Yeah, he walks, he walks her back to her apartment down the hall. And she's like, yeah, this is fun. Let's do it again sometime. He's like, no, men's, he's gross. Absolutely. Hopefully also I want to. Fuck did I see a dog missionary question here walking the I call her the milk made, walking the milk made down the hall elder Farrell walking her down the hall alone.

How big a deal is that for a Mormon missionary? That's a big deal. That would get you a plain flight home by the end of the day. And because as you'll see, all women are total Jezebel's that are waiting for the any opportunity to get in your pants. Yeah. No, you would be true, Doug, right? You cannot be alone ever with a woman, right? If you absolutely not, if you were alone with a woman for less than a minute, you would be home in shame. I mean, you have to sit on your bed and watch Eli just have a massive bloody shit.

The toilet five feet away. Just in full eye contact. Yeah. But if you're alone with an old lady for two seconds, you have to punch yourself in the cock. Do the women ever catch on and just start chasing around the missionaries? Oh my God. Female listeners.

Female listeners. I know we don't ask a lot of you. We ask you to marry. But it's because he's, you know, he doesn't have a home anymore. It's going to get weird. But our second request, please, please seclude yourself with Mormon missionaries. Just shut my pet. Shut my pet.

Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt my pet. Shirt missionaries. Just show my pet trap doors go and put them in a box with you or something. Put some books, some Mormon under a box with a string attached just drop in like mission impossible. Scare the fuck out of them.

What are you going to do? You like thinks there's female listeners. All right. So now we cut back inside and the homeless guy is like, Hey, can I stay here again? Cause, you know, the other option is cardboard. I did. He talks from alcoholism at your house for one more. It just takes 48 hours to do that. Yeah. One more day. And then okay. So then we cut over to Carl and he's puzzled his way through the book

of Mormon and he gets out of bed. Now what is it? This is about to be the scene where he's going to try praying for the first time, but what I was expecting was that he just got to the white and delight some part and he was about to call Luzano. That would have been such a better scene. Well, Doug, that's been, that's been thankfully edited out, hasn't it? I would love if he was flipping to the book of Mormon, and there were just obviously pages torn out. They keep referencing these laymen nights, but we never heard about them like the slave Bible without without exodus in it, right? Exactly. All right, but then we go from his like amateur bullshit to the professional prayers. The

Mormons are getting ready to go to work for the day and Lewis is going to pray along with him. As though he's the guy who doesn't know the words to the song, but insists on singing along anyway. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is the part of the movie. He just reads the prayer on a half second delay behind them.

So they get thrown off the whole hot. It's just like, this is my new response to street preachers, whatever they say. A little bit behind them. Yeah, no, it's like the thing you do when you're fucking with somebody who's trying to count on you. Father, father, father, who are the art kingdom come. I'm copying me. Little bit, are you copying me?

It's because it's because Lewis is such a, Lewis is such an amateur. He didn't know this was supposed to do a countdown before the Alparet. Yeah. Right. So I don't want to gay bachelor or feral here, but there was such a distracting, acting choice here. His voice in this prayer is so soft and feminine. It's like a southern debutant accepting a dance invitation at the Cattillion.

I have never seen a character in a film. I'm more generally worried about on a human level. Yeah. Oh, shit. It is. I was like, is it? I thought it was a choice because it's like, uh, far, but who oughtn't have an load of mid-June would be found on this Sun's sanity. Weird. But okay. So they go off. They've got to go answer some questions for Carl and give him some Mormon lessons So we have the scene where they show up in the hood and all the black people are like oh my god Mormons What the fuck my mactic scene from training days. Yeah

So they go in. Um, Luzano, of course, he has to look back over to shoulders of people that were giving him the journey. Look, so everybody knows that he's the hard Mormon. And then they go inside and teach Carl how to Mormon. And this is where we learn that we love Todd the most. Todd is the little brother. And the Mormons are like, well, now we will read from the book of Isaiah. And he just, the little kid just turns the TV on. I'm like, you go Todd. Yeah. Todd is all of us.

Todd is all of us. Yes. I can't wait to see Todd's character arc. I like it. But I'll try. Todd turns on the TV and it's Starsky and Hunch. Yeah. What?

The black people link TV from the 70s. Yeah. Bullshit man. It's so weird that the only channels we get are public domain. Yeah. I want to watch all my channel, a shaft channel. Oh, look, Todd loves Lawrence Welk. When they turned off the TV, I wanted Luzano so badly to be like, you know, you might

not think the Bible is pretty cool, but All right. So, okay, meanwhile, we got to cut back to Lewis and we It's this weird bit where we set up an amazing comedy moment and then it never happens right so like Lewis decides he's gonna put on some Mormon duds and go out in the street and preach from the book of Mormon. Yeah. There's this great moment where it's like, oh, right, he's a crazy homeless person. So he's just like, I'm a missionary now. I wanted him so badly to go out wearing white face. Like just he, they, they, they, from the shoes to the shirt to his face and he's all whited up and he's just like, hey, everybody, how's it going? What?

What? What? What my boring book? Well, and it's such a cargo cult, like white savior moment, right? Where it's like, if I put on their clothes and wear their name tag, I become the power they are. Exactly. Oh, Jesus, dude, this whole this whole movie. What are we supposed

to know? What is this movie trying to tell us? I don't know. I like, I thought this was supposed to be a comedy beat, but it wasn't. Yeah. I mean, they're setting up. It wasn't no more than preacher montage, but then they don't like they could have had him do in serious practice. Like Ninja moves on to porches and stuff. And like, snatching a doorbell out of Mr. Miyagi's hand real fast. I don't know. No, but instead it's a comedy beat like a dog wearing sunglasses. It was just so fucked up. Yeah.

Go Ray Comfort. All right. And then we head back over to Carl's place where apparently he's done learning to be a Mormon, but he has one remaining concern. He's not quite ready to change religions. He needs to know if he'll still be allowed to dance. That's a winky winky winky winky. The Mormons turn to each other and they go, uh, we've got something to show. Oh, yeah, let me show you something in the next scene. And I wrote

my nose, Are we about to get Mormons busting sweet grooves because this whole podcast concept becomes worth it if we are. And we are. Well, I'm just a point of order there. I think nobody said you couldn't dance, Carl. Nobody said you could dance well. I think that's important for Mormon choreography. You have to turn in your rhythm when you become Mormon. That's right. Right, right. Exactly. Clap on one and three, dammit. Clap on one and three. Just going down the salt train line, you get flicked with Mormon water. It's like me at the high school prom all of a sudden. Trying

to dance around my awkward erection. Yeah. Now they take him to a Mormon luau. Yeah. He looks around the luau and he says, and I quote, these are Mormons. You guys sure know how to party. Yep. At a luau. By the way, they'll figure it out. Luau is where you keep all your fat Mormons.

I was in your city for like a week and I didn't see any, but you just, you keep them at the Lou Aos. That's where they go. I, here I was thinking I would never belong, but I just got to stay at the Lou Aos the whole time. Okay. Get it. And it's, you know, white, a Lou Aos because why just thrash around in the racist archetypes of two non-white cultures when you can go for a hat trick. Right. Ryan. Yeah. And this movie is trying very hard to show is that white people are a vanishingly small

minority of the Mormon children. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And speaking of which, this is the scene where Carl sees that Luzano even has a black friend. Boy, Mormonism is I. Oh, could they be less subtle? Hey, Carl, if you met our friend elder banks,

he's black. You might have noticed the skin. It's black. He's from a had one. I told you, he's from an urban environment. He doesn't like you. He doesn't have a father. But there's also just a from a filmmaking perspective, I hate to keep doing this, but there's a super weird and spooky vibe of this Hawaiian party, which normally you would think would be bright and fun. But it's like when they go to the party and blue velvet at Ben's house,

and it's all, and it's all, and the weird side shots of fat guys down the long, dark hallways, it's, it's, and like, all the ukulele music in the world can't make me unfield this dread. No, you're right. There's like everyone has that like looking

at the Polynesian girl going like, yeah, it's joy. I'll never know. You know, like everyone at the party has that look and if there was one, if there's one description of this party in the script, I would say it's diabetes. They put the beaten diabetes. Well done, sir. phenomenal. All right. So now it's time for Carl to take the big Mormonism test. But first, we have to like swim in the racism a little more, right? Because we have to open up. They have a black guy giving them the test because you know black on black But then they start off with him going like man I ain't never had no Mexican for no friend or no white boy. Damn is your religion diverse

Think about it. We're poor right? And What happens in Christian movie world when two black, when two magic Negroes meet? Yeah. The rules of life. Start shooting fireballs at each other. Yeah. I love this.

This is great. I don't know how y'all keep from like shooting each other. And I wanted elder banks to be like, I mean, historically, yes, Mormons do end up shooting each other's actually. Yes. This is the industry Of our church, but instead I'm going to tell you the story of Ammon and realize halfway through it is incredibly boring. Yeah, right.

Right. Well, they do that so many in all Mormon movies do this, but they'll start to draw something out of the book of Mormon, but everything in there is so shitty that they have to be like, but then it's kind of like in the Bible where it was done better here. But yeah, he's telling them about the anti Nephi liais. Notice they don't mention the name. Right. Or mention the fact that this, this group of people who dedicates themselves to a peaceful life, their children end up being a murderous army of child soldiers. Yes. Just leave that out of the story. Yeah. And they all end up being dead at the hands of magically cursed black people, right? That's not a story you want someone to ask you questions about right before you loop them into the sale.

I did short sales. People were like, Hey, I might buy these magic thumbs. How long do the batteries last 45 seconds leave quick There you are you are you ran out of batteries leave your anti Nephi Lee highs Deep cut keep that as a cut the gravitas that poor elder bangs as you know has to muster for this telling this story He leaves so much of the names out of he's like and they bear in it Deep in the earth. Like, oh my God, he's literally, he has PTSD from an event he didn't witness and that never happened.

And then, okay, and of course, this whole time, Luzano's outside really worried about his young padawan. So we have to cut away from that to do the like American idol reveal. Like, he passed, guys,, he is like, does anyone ever fail the Mormonism test? Right. I could, I could do it. I could do it.

Stuck jerked off in the middle of the interview. The hilarity of them putting him through this grueling interview, like Mormon missionaries would ever put up a barrier like this. It's just idiotic. Exactly. through this grueling interview, like Mormon missionaries would ever put up a barrier like this. It's just idiotic. Exactly. Even if you were masturbating, they'd be like, look, let's just get you baptized and we'll talk about that.

Yeah, right. We'll get this on the other side. No, they, they, they will welcome him into baptism with open arms. They will shun him later. Right. We want to move into their neighborhood. They start telling you the moment you come out of the water, it's like, hey, I about that jerk enough during your head of the water.

It's kind of a bitch. All right. Well, now that we've seemingly finished the majority of the story, arcs, I guess we're ready for act three. First, let me give it the hard sell here. What the hell will the rest of this movie be about? And what has it been about so far? Did they just still have cameras?

Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the adulterous conclusion of God's Army 2 states of grace. From the makers of God's Army One and God's Army Two. Your man, I've been reading this book you gave to my whole crack house. We'd like to become woman and stop talking like this. Comes the third and what is now just a movie version of the daydream someone has after a door gets slammed in their face. Hello?

Is this the woman? It's the Israeli Prime Minister. Can you convert an entire country at once because we all want to join? This summer. I'm Collin Nogh, and all I want in man is a short sleeve button down ship. Gods are B3. Doodly do. And we're back for more of this shit.

When we last left our heroes, they had just Mormonized Carl and we're gonna rejoin him, get him home and finding a note on their door from Holly written in the style of a nine-year-old girl with too many stickers asking the Mormons to please meet her on the roof. They're gonna have roof dinner. Roof dinner. Get in around those rules. At this point she's feeding them so often. I think this lady might be a witch who's fattening them up to eat them. Well, also the, again, the glop that she's serving them. Did you see that bowl? It literally looked like organ meats. And then they just added in like brain scooping sounds from Hannibal. Later today, I'm going to eat a Jim Baker bucket. So this looked delicious, but. Well, and this is also where we get Holly and elder Marshmallow having their weird

either side of the wall because God is angry at my penis conversation. Oh, confession time. The dark, city story of her descent into Paul. Best part of the movie. Yeah, the downward economic spiral of a milk made from Muncie that inevitably leads to a three way on tape.

And by the way, her story in mind matched up way, way too closely for a little while. I was very obsessed with being. Being actor was hard. I got a series of small parts, kept auditioning, sold these magic thumbs with, you know, retail toys. Am I right? I was like, it's okay. Holly podcast, podcast. And just when you thought it wasn't gonna end like Eli's,

it did end up with her rubbing her junk on a webcam. So yeah, oh, it was the Eli Bosnik story. It was actually, okay, Eli Bosnik story. And look, I do not want to ruin this highly, highly comedic moment of this woman, quote, acting, but as a quick reminder, there is nothing shameful about doing porn. Being in porn is the purest and best form of entertainment. Also, most porn actors don't regret it. They've done studies of this kind of stuff. Most of them are like, I like fucking on camera.

It's a good time for me. So the fact that this movie builds itself nine tenths of the way through around the fact that this woman is simply treated shittily for doing porn, right? Because again, all the bad things that this woman is about to tell us in her confession that she did porn and that her parents don't talk to her. We're going to get to all of them. They're all built around people being jerks to sex workers, not the problems with sex work, right? They can't even shame sex workers, right? They can't be like, on the porn set, they hit me with a hammer because it was called hammer but holes for. It's just like, oh no, everyone I worked with was really nice. But my small town dad is a cock. So,

you know, my life is sad because of the other people that don't have anything to do with porn. And, and of course, like the Mormon guy is going like, wow, that's awful. What? Porns. She was trying to watch those ones. Yeah. And he's also like, I don't know what people will think of me.

And he's like, it doesn't matter what people think. Says the full- time religious cleric for it. At least saddest success, non-taxable PR firm. And then yeah, but then like dad accidentally rented one of her horns. Well, actually, no, it was even darker than that, right? Because they're like, yeah, the guys at work were watching one of my porn. I'm sorry.

Where do you work? How did that go? Hey guys, uh, what-what you watching? Oh, nothing. Just this porn video. Oh, you-you're watching porn at work? Okay, well, there's a reason. Uh, no, no, no, there's not. You're fired. You're both fired for that, obviously.

Well, actually, we were kind of, yeah, you were watching porn at work is what you were doing. You're fired. No, dude, it's your daughter. See, your daughter, we're going to like mock you with it. Cool. Cool. So let me get this straight. Your idea of a workplace prank was to watch a porn with my daughter in it and then mock me.

Well, when you when you put it like that, sounds kind of bad. Is this backdoor slots three or four? Four? Yeah, yeah, see that's the problem. Surely phone that one in. Let me show you a blowjob, horse seven. She shines in that, really, got her legs under. Ooh, okay. So proud of her.

He's got your ass. Yeah, you're an interwist, very guy. Yeah, so now the whole town has seen her inner labia and she's all about the shame. If I was in a porn and my dad saw it, I'm pretty sure he'd be impressed. You're right. You're a grower, not a shower. You're a great person. You want your work?

You made a porn. Two fists at once. That's my boy. That's my boy. I did get my mother's penis. I love Eli's going like, yeah, the only one. The only small penis on this podcast. That's right. That's right. I don't think I was to use my joke was the only one that saw Mark naked, but I love that that's immediately where you went with it was the I also mark that's what you heard. I was doing those

You guys have small dicks you do so Doug who fucks and you know, listen to how toetic. That's how you know how hard Doug fucks Okay, so all right so after a literal I'm not exaggerating at all after literally eight god damn minutes of this woman's monologue Finally at wraps on the Mormon guy going, but it doesn't matter what people think it matters what god thinks and he thinks you're a fucking slut. You should have baptized. He thinks you should be killed actually. He's pretty clear about it with rocks. Um, join my religion. He says to her, you can never do anything, not anything that will make God stop loving you. Again, says full-time salesman for the idea that what you're doing with your life right now makes God not love you. Yeah, exactly. Says the salesman for the idea that what you're doing with your life right now makes God not love you.

Right. Exactly. Says the salesman of the fact that God is so petty that just not knowing about him will cause you to burn in the air for all eternity. And then he decides to give her all the tender loving support that a full-time cleric should by recoiling in horror, which is his hand. Oh, it's the best. She's like, yeah, hold my hand. She puts her hand out. He's like, give me a second. Hold on.

No, give me your right hand right now. No, no, no, no, no, Carl. He's studying his book of Mormon, but his little brother Todd is super disappointed that his brother turned into a Mormon was that won't avenge the death of Abe. Oh my God, I love Todd so much. Okay. Here's the thing. Todd is just poorly written, right? And what they're trying to do is like Todd wants vengeance and Carl is trying to convince him to be religious now.

But what it comes out as is this like fucking Omen ask little kid who walks in the room and he's like, you ain't going to eat no hearts in the marketplace. Blood brings blood. Like fuck Todd, you grew up to be interest Elba in the wire. So he's, he's so young and tiny to be delivering this kind of silver backing, right? So yeah, listen, you better step up. And we should probably point out, by the way, that Carl's like six foot five linebacker build gigantic human being.

And this little brother comes in looking like fucking Elliott from ET going like I can't you ask man. Okay, but then but then Carl goes. And he literally buries his weapons in the front yard. I'm like, dude, you never go full anti Nephi Lee. I do. And maybe put the bullets somewhere out. He's trying to just get rid of him elsewhere. Anything. Do anything less stupid. He's trying to get weapons out of his life. And he just puts them in a bag in the front yard and put have more weaponry in my house right now. I had that he was bearing his antique dueling pistols and his letter opener.

I'm like, okay, well, you can just tear the end of the envelope. I guess you don't need to slice the profits. It gets up to you, man. While he's bearing them, grandma comes out and she's like, Carl, what are you doing? And he's like, mom, God, burning my weapons. God. All right. But now it's baptism time.

Yes. Yay. We go over the crowd like Todd is super unimpressed and Holly's there. Why the fuck would Holly be there? So for the rest of the movie, all the characters will be present at all events because they forgot that some

of these characters don't know each other. So like, Holly will be at his baptism later on. Carl will be at one of their goodbyes. It makes no sense. They just all sort of shut, they have a beacon, like a Mormon, a big M appears in the sky and this cast, call of gathers and place out their stories. And you know what this movie needs is another side plot. So this is where we're going to check it with Lewis. He's found a church that's for sale and wouldn't you know it? It's just his size.

And can I exactly, can I say what a church it is? It's like a haunted lawn mower shed. It's the set of between one ferns. Right. He walks, he walks into this church, he's standing at a podium, an old white woman comes in. And the least realistic thing about this movie is that she does not immediately call the cops.

Right. Well, and also she's clearly coming in from rigging the vote against watching the world series. Like that was the immediate last thing she did. And she it was like Klaus Nomey slinking out of the darkness with work gloves on for no reason to explain, you know, ask the black why he's indoors. Well, and then of course, you know, she, she, she asked him what he is and he says, Pena, Kostal, and she's Baptist, the main character of the movie are Mormon. So it's a really confusing moment

about what this movie is trying to tell you. And then all of a sudden, she's like, well, at least you're not a Jew or a Muslim. Yes. Okay. She is a good guy in this movie. And the end of the free-sframe laugh line of this scene is at least you're not a cake. But then,

and then, and then he says we're, you know, basically lady, I'm broken fairly crazy, but I'll fill that place to its capacity of nine. I'll sleep under the oven and beg if I have to. And she's like, hmm, I like where this is going. Yeah. All right. So now we get the Mormons waking up again. And I guess this is the big. Okay. You guys tell me. So Carl's already been baptized, but now he has to be used like a baseball bat determining who bats first. Okay. What do they really do? Like put their hands on your hand and it's like a baseball bat determining who bats first? Okay. What do they really do? Like put their hands on your hand and it's like ready break.

So is that a thing? It's so stupid. So you are baptized for the remission of your sins. And then the next day, you are confirmed a member of the church. And I'm so embarrassed that I'm saying these words out loud. But yes, they all gather around you in a circle and put their hands on your head and give you a little blessing. It's okay.

Wait, wait, wait. If you die between the baptism and the, in the confirmation, do you still get to go to like full on celestial heaven? No, don't die. You get a moon. Don't die between those two of us. I want him so bad to get killed in a drive by right before this happened. Like, what the fuck?

I told, I wanted to do it on Tuesday. We had the pool right there. And now here I'm dying going to hell. His top half is in heaven. His bottom half is in hell. He's like, I like to hurt a lot. But somehow I'm getting a blowjob on my arms. It's weird.

It's exactly, exactly nothing. I'm just, I'm 100% evened out. Also, I just thought it was white people being obsessed with touching black people's hair. I thought they were just like, your members are like, oh my gosh, it's so crazy. Will you put them under my hair for me? And they found somehow, this is, this is an massive achievement in, in cinema. They found extras who look more listless and bored than actual Mormons and actual character impossible. Oh, God, like I kept right that way. I know it's just like, Oh my God, people do this on Sunday's on purpose. Oh, God. And of course, while we're getting this scene

of his confirmation at the same time, his little brother Todd is taking a train over to the other gang's neighborhood to avenge Abe's death. Todd is on his quest for blood. And at the very moment, at the very moment, the Carl is getting blessed with the power of discernment to see dangers in the world, his brother is about to get Trevon martin. Yes. If God had mentioned that to him, well, and speaking of Trevon, like there's, he comes up out of the subway taught does and there's, as we know, there's nothing more terrifying

to a white audience than a black teenager flipping up their hoodie. Yeah. I can imagine the screams in the one theater, this Erdogan in Utah. And because he does a concealed carry state, I'm sure the screams in the one theater this aired in a new top. And because he does a concealed carry state, I'm sure the screen looked like Swiss cheese after the smoke cleared. Yeah, there's definitely a moment where like, you know, like at least a person who wrote this movie thought, no, no, when they put up the hood, that's like, that's when they

like get their super powers, right? Like that's like a superhero putting on his mask, you see, they go full black. When the hood's up. Yeah, exactly. Um, and okay, so yeah, but then the gangsters see Todd in their neighborhood and they stab him to death. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, most people bleed when they're stabbed to death, but not Todd. He's he's he's cleanly. That's important. Okay. And can we talk about the juxtaposition of the overhead shot of the Latin gangsters walking in a circle around their victim? Yes. Yes. Well, Carl has all the white men standing over him. You could hear the thunderous of applause from the Cannes Film Festival inside David Dutchers head. You know that as he was editing that scene, he was like whispering his Academy Awards accept. Yeah.

Well, what's so funny is they're going for this like artistic moment where they're contrasting like the little kid that just got stabbed and all the people standing in a circle around him versus the guy who just got saved and all the people standing around him, except that in order to make this happen, we have to believe that this gang, like after stabbing someone walks around them three times clockwise. Well, if all of your knowledge of gang life comes from West Side Story, we probably will have less hormones get it. It was like five, six, seven, eight. Lockwise, clockwise. I want to be there for that meeting where they're like, dude, what are you doing? Well, we just smoked this guy. Yeah. Walk around in a circle, man. We

went over this. You're only an eight count then walk. So all right. So Carl and Granny get home from the confirmation and the cops are at their house and the one guy goes like Man, your little brother is dead and car goes. Oh, no, that's such a heavy-handed plot device I thought we could do better and the car goes. I don't know why based on what you've seen up till now, man So we have a Digging up his guns in the rain The next scene there has been one scene since he buried this shit. Like he has no anti Nephi Lee Hyde.

It's so much fun. I really I wanted a cross cut with Holly digging up a bunch of big black dildos. Going back to this life. I wanted so badly for there to be a scene with their neighbors who were just like, up, he's digging up the gun. Frank, you remember the black gallery? He dug him right up again. That was not even 24 hours.

Now it's grandma's yelling Carl, which is a silly name. You see, if you're going to have a character, movies, movies, listen close, if you're going to have a character scream and other characters name, just practice screaming that name once so that you don't have a scene where a character goes, car. Yeah. So he takes, he takes the starter pistol and his decorative dagger from the Franklin Mint's King of Top collection and hits the streets for revenge. Yes, exactly. And then we have another balcony scene with Elder Mane's and Holly because what we learned

when she was giving her big confession is that every Sunday she calls her parents and they won't answer because they hate her and her vagina. Yeah, because they're, they are miserable pieces of shit. Even though this movie really, really wants you to think it's her fault. Yeah, I don't even be telling dad how she got better at porn. I'm like, yeah, dad, I work on it. I work on my technique. I really took a serious, I feel like I understand Mee's on send better now.

That's right. That's right. That's right. I got a sense of cock now. I like to think that they can't answer the phone because they're using up all their Send down That's right. Deezon send That's right. That's what we need. We need a sense of cock now. I like to think that they can't answer the phone because they're using up all their bandwidth on downloading porn.

Yeah, she's in another one, hun. If she was Jewish, they would be. So she was very important. If I was an apporn tomorrow, my mom would be sharing that shit on Facebook. She'd be like, ass sluts for everyone. Check it out. I'm on his Patreon. my mom would be sharing that shit on Facebook. She'd be like, ass sluts for everyone, check it out. I'm on his Patreon.

Don't tell you're a podcaster. Yeah. I would so rent. Heath, you just had a college reunion. How much better would it have been to explain that you were in porn? Oh, it was better. That's what I did. All right.

And then we go back to Carlis homies. They're looking for the gang that killed Todd and their plan is apparently just drive around California until we see them. They need like a racist lia, just lia, just like the closest Latino gang member. He that's just called to be a hona. But there's this crazy moment in the car where they're driving around and the guys like, Hey, man, we've been driving. He's like, keep driving. I wanted that fight to continue so badly. Hey, man, we've been driving around for a while. Just keep driving, man. I mean, they probably hiding out us.

I said, keep driving. Damn, fine, fine. Can we at least play a car game or something? Fine. Okay, okay. I'm thinking of a thing animal vegetable or mineral dump All right, so all the shows now all right, so now the subtle wakes up and he sees that elder cream cheese isn't in his bed So he literally goes next door to rescue him from the perilous peril. Right.

Again, the perilous peril is that that mushroom covered in orange hair somehow is having sex with a beautiful, generous, nice porn star. Yes. it happens sometimes If he's fucked a porn star we would start for new podcasts called the time I fucked a porn star I'm gonna send you a link We would we would high five so hard all of our bones would shadow. We would just be poured from glass container to glass container for the rest of our lives. And again, let's be clear again, just because the rest of the movie is going to be based on this terrible fall from grace. This is consensual sex. It's not even like that. These are just two lonely people who like each other and they have sex.

Between a perfectly nice woman and a panicked man child, which is not the consensual. Oh my God, can you, I would love to actually see this sex, right? They don't actually show us this sex, but this has got to be the worst fuck in history. I'm guessing there were foul shots at one point. How much would I pay just if he went to the door and you hear scream crying coming through the door? Yeah, right. So Doug, a missionary question here.

How big a deal is it if you cannot find your companion? Literally there is nothing worse you can do on your mission than lose track of your companion. Literally, there is nothing worse you can do on your mission than lose track of your companion. And honestly, if you, if you lose your companion, elders, or a president stave puff marshmallow would burst through the wall like the cool aid man that there's nothing worth you to do. You don't, you don't go back to bed and wonder if he'll show up again. No, there is a, there is an actual biography by a guy who's now in his 40s when he was a missionary in Canada. His companion decided he did fucking, I'm out of here and went to the airport. The mission president said, do anything you can to stop him. So he went to the airport and called in a bomb threat. And it took the president of the United States to get him out of Canada,

jail, and he can never go back to Canada. Oh my God. How much you don't lose your companion. Yep. Oh, I mean, how old are you? How old are you when you do your mission? 19 to 21. Okay, yeah, because like 19 Eli, if you were like, hey, 19 year old Eli, it's the most important thing in the world.

I'd be like, you know, a bomb threat, good idea. Exactly. Right. You know, I thought having a gravity bomb in my tub 24 hours a day was a good idea when I was 19. It was a good idea. But like, people weren't allowed to shower because the gravity bomb was in there. I've seen your tub. That's really the best use for your top. So okay. So and all right. So the next day wakes up, elder wonder, predispack, worry belongs and Luzano's given him the like,

oh, you penis user kind of look. And I expected that there was going to be like an intervention moment, but no, no, he just breaks down crying over his fucking fruit. And the angry staring is the best because it takes away a little bit. If you're trying to angry stare at somebody and then you poor luck charm. So that's what that's what's happening here. He's like, you motherfucker. Snap crackle pop. Snap crackle pop.

Are we out of cookie crisp. It's what it would look like. If for once I shit my pants on purpose, but never broke my contact with it. I have to say at this point in the movie, I was really bummed out, right? Because they have this horrible shaming of this woman who is a porn star and then he sleeps with her and you realize that this movie is going to be about what a shameful thing it is for these people to have consensual sex who like each other and I was really bummed out by the movie and I was starting to feel bad, but elder feral's performance in this scene brought me right back out of it.

He's breaking cry is like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be, who would be like, who would be like, who would be, who would be like, who would be like, who would be would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be like, who would be would be like, who to watch like the burning church in glory, Elder Farrows there.

That my daughter in there. Yes. Is that my daughter in there? Wee. Oh, oh, oh, oh. That was called a pig. Yes. It genuinely saved this movie from being like a scary, not funny time, how terrible an actor

this guy is. Yes. And luckily for me, the rest of this movie, which is terrible, every 30 seconds this character will do exactly that cry. Yes. You will. Everyone else will be acting about this horrible plot and he'll just be in the corner being like. Everyone else will be acting about this horrible plot and he'll just be in the corner being like

It's got not coming out of both nostrils like a toddler Doing that cry wheeze out of breath All right, but now we got to go to, okay, so he gets called out, I guess. So we cut to the cellulite lump president guy being very disappointed in him. Can I just give a quick tip to people in positions of authority over over vulnerable and distraught youth who think they might have ruined their lives? Don't call them stupid. Maybe try and have some comfort in some context. Maybe don't try to make sure that they feel broken and the only way out, there's only one way out.

Jesus Christ. Well, the off-o-moral narrative of making his little sex oopsie into such a massive, unforgivable crime, a 20-year-old kid that will destroy his life inside his community is a cornerstone of what is so atrocious about Mormonism. He did what any 20-year-old kid does, he did the porn actress because the street person in their living room won't give him a beat. We've all been there. We've all been there. And given by the way that this movie has just from a cinematic perspective, this movie

is elected to introduce this storyline about the consensual fucking rather than telling us what's going on with Carl and the little brother killers. Like, yeah, that's already going on in the movie. He's like, look, black people murder each other. They don't murder each other. What are you going to do about his soul? Turn in your badge and penis, son. Turn in your badge and penis. And I like that the mission president is looking at like, basically he's looking at the Bible. It's like, hmm, let's see what answers to this modern situation I can find here in the economy too. Yep, nothing.

All right, dumbass. Go back to Idaho. So everyone you've ever known will score and show you forever. Yes. All right. So then we go back to the Mormon apartment and there's a knock on the door and wouldn't you know what? It's that slut.

So Luzano shows up and he's like, he's not allowed to talk to you anymore because you have a vagina and she goes, I brought him something and I'm like, oh, please let it be a DVD of naughty nurses nine. Please let it be a DVD, no, it's not. It's a good one. This is what I was trying to explain to him last night.

That's, it's a glitter. It's like a little man and it just told it's like a little man and about. Alphabet. Alphabet. But no, but instead she's like, this is all my fault for having a vagina, isn't it? And Lizanna's like, yep, slams the door. Jesus.

So now he goes to give Scott, that's elder white bread's name, by the way, this is when he gets a name. Right? Where an hour and 36 minutes into the way, this is when he gets a name right where an hour and 36 minutes into the movie, this is when they name him. Um, so he gives him the gift and it's a little cross and then elder Scott, he starts telling him about the warning, like his dad warned him about vaginas right before he left. He starts giving him that speech. Exactly. exact quote before I left my father said, I'd rather you come home and a casket than dishonored.

Yeah. So, but then we have to go for a very brief second and check in on Lewis and Nurse Ratchet. And I can't tell if this scene ends with them fucking or him driving her to Pigley Wiggly. So, okay. And now the van pulls it. Luzano gets his new partner. His replacement, Mormon. I love that. And the attitude is like, here's your new manchild from Lehigh elder. Try not to fuck this one up. All right.

So fucked up. Catholics treat their pedophile priests better than this. Yes. What the fuck? Yeah, but not when they fuck women consensually though interestingly enough. Yep. Um, round upon. Yeah. Okay. And then we also have the moment where all the Mormons are pretty impressed with the hottie that Scott begged. Yes. This weird meta moment where they're just like, oh, that she's from backdoor sluts. Not that's, that's good for him. And Lazaro has this great moment.

He's like, that's not funny, man. And he's like, it's not a joke. I was just a great fucking hot. Yeah, I think they're all, they're all in press because Ferrell is like assault like city to right. And no way he was going to get like a hard seven. But well, and that's the thing, right? Let's again, that's this movie's whole stick is like, man, be it on a mission, you sure have to try hard not to get laid.

Yeah. Yeah. So now we are going to finally check back in with with Carl and the interesting storyline and they see the guy who killed Todd. They found the Latino person they were looking for in Los Angeles. Yes. Right by driving around. And another super bizarre point, a story point here, he's pushing a, a useless motorcycle.

Why? Why? Why is he pushing a motorcycle that doesn't run it like they just couldn't afford a running motorcycle? But quick before that can get interesting, we have to go back to Lissana, welcome to this new bunk body, but uh oh, elder bleech, she isn't coming out of the bathroom. This is why you don't close the bathroom door guys. Give them one three second and they killed themselves.

Yes, and that's the thing. I was writing in my joke and they killed themselves. Yes. And that's the thing. I was writing in my joke. In my notes, it's a joke. He killed himself in their house and he, but he did. He did his fucking wrists in the bathroom. Right. And earlier when they were having the conversation about what a moral monster, his father is, did you see he rolled up his sleeves? And I wrote in my notes a joke about, oh, perfect. Let's close the loop of the perfect moral catastrophe of this movie and have him kill himself. I was joking. I was joking. This is one of those things where like if there were good actors or if anyone knew anything

about suicide who had anything to do with this movie, it would be like really horrible and disturbing except because it's elder mush mouth. He has spayed himself out like the death of Lucretia and he is slim. One wrist across like his palm. Well, sometimes though it changes how many wrists he slit changes as we move from scene to scene. I don't know. Right. But in the in the first discovery, it's just one risk and he's bled like, I would say half a cup of blood in the bathroom sink. I just wrote my notes. That's right kids.

That sounds to a side work. Make sure you nick the bottom of your hand. The door is like the shining. Yeah, it's not. Don't get me wrong. I wanted Ferrell dead, just not this predictably. Yeah, right. Yeah.

So, okay, so they drag him into the van. They're rushing him to the hospital. Don't worry. Someone brought the magical oil. It's fucking Christ. How many suicides did you oil up on your mission? Honestly, I lost count. Come on, you got to admit, if you oil up a kid too much and he slips out of your hands

as you're trying to save his life, that's just comedy, right? He can't hold on to him. He's like, one of those worms, you get at the arcade, and he's like, like a watermelon seed. And the hilarious, the hilarious stakes of this scene are that, oh my God, we don't know his middle name when we put the Western oil on the head. So maybe he's going to, God's going to cure the wrong Scott Farrell somewhere. It'll be.

This fucking retarded. All right. So the Mormons show up with their suicidal buddy at the hospital. Then we cut back to Carl and his buddies who are by the way really bad at drivebys, like even by the standards of this film, it's like me parking, just like the book. Why would you think going out the same direction and then just pushing reverse and would get you

further into the spit? I wanted Cecil to come by and drag him out of the car. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. So, yeah, so they run the guy over because they absolutely can't like line up and shoot at him at any point. And then Carl jumps out and he's about to shoot him in the head, but wouldn't you know

it? The guy starts being all religious and prayin' and stuff and he just can't bring himself to be black anymore. He's becoming so delightsome. That's right. He can becoming so delightsome. That's right. He can't kill now because a teenager made Jesus enter him when he was underwater. And now he is virtuous.

Yes, but he just ran over this guy with a call. Here's the thing. You can have this moment in a movie, but not after the character. It's just someone with a car. Like the problem, Gabby, I don't know if I could finish the job is like he tortures him for 48 hours with a hot iron and a screwdriver. It's like, all right, shoot him. And the screaming, there was so much screaming when these guys are arguing about it. And I was just like, Hey, fellas, you really want to pile a noise ordinance violation on top of a 10th murder and hit runs?

Think about it. That's white people advice. Yes. You know, a lot to barbecue here. This is a no killing guy's section of the park. All right. But so one of his buddies kills the dude instead and then they drive off without him so that he can walk slowly home all Montagy from there, right?

But again, this movie is so stupid. It doesn't realize that the long walk they can't involve public transportation. He mobs onto an escalator. He mobs onto public trend. He's swiping his car. If they had put the sad music from Charlie Brown over this, I would have died. I was so happy. And then we actually get another subway looking out the window sadly. Like it might as well have rain pouring down underground. So stupid. Just his window has rain. Yeah. I was going with Holly looking at a rainy window and then zoom out. She's in an orgy porn set.

Yes. That's okay. And then we had back to the Luzato. He's in the hospital. The human lump shows up and a, Holly's waiting with him in the hospital room, almost like they're in love and this religion is terrible and kills people for stupid reasons. No, that would not happen. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Exactly. And that's the unrealistic moment in this movie, right? I know he's not conscious, but he's still alone with her. And honestly, is it, is it a good idea that she's alone in the room with him after he tried to kill himself for having sex with her? Should he have a therapist involved at this point in some fashion?

Well, I also just have a note for the mission president, which is like, Hey, man, if the place you see elder lasano, most frequently is in the waiting room outside the ER. Maybe he's the problem. Was on I gotta tell you we gotta stop meeting like this literally it's a whole. The whole thing what are you doing out there man right but instead he just sort of leans in the door and he's like. There's worse pieces of asses to get yourself kicked out of a religion for him. Am I right? There's worse pieces of asses to get yourself kicked out of a religion for him. Am I right?

Yes. And he doesn't go in to check on the well-being of this poor kid. He just is like, what's she like? It was so creeper. He's kind of peering through a half-closed door like, oh, I can almost see a knee. Sure would love to absorb her. So. So all right.

So he wakes up, Scott wakes up in Eadies to man's spleen, church to Holly for a little bit. And then she reminds him that Jesus forgives him no matter what he does. And then they're happy, but he still is going to be ostracized for the rest of his life, right? Ooh, ooh, can we talk about her super deep line? Oh, yes, please. Because you know whoever wrote this was like, guys, I've got it. She turns to him and she goes, you don't have to die for your sins.

Jesus already did. And the whole writer's room was just like, break it out, party ass. Oh, man, there's a crime. They. There's like the clocks right there guys. They will never move forward again in this room. I just, you know, looking at this poor, um, much face kid laying in his bed with his bandages on it, whichever wrist he didn't cut. You know, he's, he's, first he's had pre-marital sex with a fallen woman on his mission. And then it's who it's eye to tempt you might as well just fuck it and watch a PG 13 movie and have a

cup of sanka right. That's a better tongue boy. All right. So now we get this moment. Okay. So we have this. This is another bizarre choice from the filmmakers. Carl's going to go to the beach and throw his guns into the ocean.

But there's a best scene ever. For no reason. There's like 11 white people sitting around a fire, having a little beach get together that doesn't in any way factor into the scene except for the camera keeps cutting over to these white people going, what the fuck is he doing? And there's one girl who's just smiling. Yeah. That guy's throwing his gun and I think he's having trouble swimming he's not a strong swimmer like what the fuck is going through is that gang member

at toning for murder and becoming a moron guys guys I think we're in act three. Yeah, it's an abacromian Fitch ad happening like right 25 feet from where he's throwing his gun above the timeline. So some kids are going to find the time. What would you think if you saw a guy throw a gun and a clip into the ocean and then pull a willum defoe from platoon? Yeah, something bad just happened. I want to just be like, I get it. Tough shift at work. We've all been there. Come on over.

Yeah. We're making smores. You want to smoke? He's busy drowning himself or something. I'll get him when he comes up. Can you do that by the way? Can you just re-baptize yourself? Can you just murder, re-baptize, murder, re-baptize?

Like whenever you feel like this? Actually, he can. That's so Christian. That way, yeah. All right. So now, Luzano is going to visit Carl's place and he's brought his spare Mormon, of course. And they're going over pictures of dead Todd when Carl shows up. Spare Mormon seems absolutely terrified to have a large black man in the room with

him, right? I am convinced this wasn't an acting choice that that actor was just like, black guy. This is the take where he didn't shout black guy. Let's use it. Come on. Also, I think that actor had had determined that black people only see movement. So if he just stayed as still as possible, they wouldn't know he was there. The black guy's going around. So and then come that why you sing amazing grace? You seem scared and a little bit tried something, something weird's going on.

All right. So, but then, okay, what? What the fuck is the forehead to forehead? Pressy thing that my cat does when I forget to feed him that happens between Lisan and Carl here. Right. They cuddle, right? It's it's funny, but it's also really fucking sad because what it says is, you know, there's moments in this movie where the director clearly is like, yeah, this is how human beings

in crisis might behave. And every once in a while, he kind of reaches out and finds one of those. But the rest of the time, it's like, yeah, fuck it. My agenda is way more important than any real human connection. Yeah. Uh huh. And then he promises to stay. He says, yeah, I'm not leaving. I'll be here. I mean, is he moving in? I know they have a spare bedroom now. He's just looking through Todd stuff. There's a lot of like hand drawn pictures of Todd killing people. I got to say guys, I think it was maybe for the best. I don't know. big island. Don't close the bathroom door. Look, is Jordan's fit?

That's weird. Where should I put my stuff? And then, okay, then Scotch mom shows up to pick him up, right? And he's like, where's dad? And she's like, yeah, about that. Remember, I've got some bad news. The guy who told you to die rather than be dishonored didn't handle this little surprise. Well, I know it's a real shock.

Yeah, right. Maybe dad killed himself. I hope dad killed himself. And the whole time, you know, every contact that he's had with the, the milk made horn next door, I'm just like, say with you, Eli, I'm like, please just stay with her. Just stay, abandon the people who filled your head with this garbage and want you to kill yourself. Happy day. And be happy in the face. Stay for fuck's sake. Yeah.

Well, and that's the fucked up thing about this movie. It's like, it's like the guy who made it was fucking with him because at the end of this movie, like everyone's problem goes away if they stop being Mormon. Right. Right. Like all of the conflict just disappears and evaporates in the like the fucking morning. Do if they all just go, you know, this Mormonism shed isn't helping us at all. Yep. And I have a wonderful like story that really cheered me up.

So when we announced this movie last week, a listener reached out to me on Facebook and told me that like he saw this movie just before his mission. And then when he was on his mission, he had sex with a girl he met and realized that like he really liked the girl. And he was so freaked out by this movie that he just called his parents and was like, I'm not Mormon anymore. And he married that girl and they're still together and have two kids.

And I love that one of our listeners is the happy ending version. He was just like, Oh, pussy's fantastic. And that's a rip. That guy just reached out to me. He was like, that movie scared me into a better life. Enjoy it. Yeah. Good thing, movie.

Good job. All right. Now, you might be worried that with all these disparate plot lines going on, they won't find a way to wrap this all up. And a sensible man. Oh, this is the weirdest fucking shit ever. Everyone's like hugging Scott to see him off. And then they're distracted by a living nativity scene, including Carl, by the way, Carl is here for some reason. Yeah, right. Why?

Yeah. But yeah, so there's a living nativity scene complete with a baby that they've just left baking in the Santa Monica son for, you know, symbolic reasons. I was traditional passing of the strangers, baby. And then they pass the, yeah, they passed the people like that. But what? Strangers. Is that like, I wanted somebody to just like like grab the baby and run just like for a second

of the fuck with everybody. Yeah, I was so fucking first of all, you know, Ferrell might still have been a little dopey from blood loss or catch a loss. But if you find a bunch of bored ass people standing in a shack in Iron Age drag emotionally moving, you might be insane. And then they reenact the end of mother, right? It's like, don't pass the baby around. Do not pass that baby.

All right. So then he goes to, Scott goes to put the baby back, but he pulls a psych out, you know, and then everyone one at a time takes a need to pray because now the movie is over. I don't think they're praying. I think they're kneeling to their, their kneeling in the presence of a miracle. Doug, didn't you think that? I honestly did not know what was happening at this point.

Yeah. There's a live action. It's a Christmas movie. I forgot. Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby. Here, you take the baby. No, you take the baby. The fuck is going on. And it's a bite handed to the weepy emotional basket case who doesn't want to give it back. And it doesn't want to live anymore. Yeah. And what's amazing is the woman who plays Mary

kind of sees this and she's like, okay, I'm gonna go ahead and take that baby. Nice and slow. You're going through a thing and we're gonna have you not go through that with the baby. There you go. Maybe before they hit you with the taser because that will be a big scene. I'm pretty sure this ending scene is just what happened in real life when this cast saw a manger. All right, I just keep rolling. This works. And yeah, and that's the end of the movie. And we know that because now the credits are on, right?

Sweet relief. All right. So maybe there's some Mormon symbolism that I'm missing here, but was the point of the movie making it to the credits? I don't know. I honestly don't know other than everybody should be ashamed of everything they've ever done, except the garbage bag full of white privilege. I don't know what the moral is. I cannot tease it out. I feel like the moral is hang in there. The credits will come eventually. That's what it was for me anyway. Right. All right. So Mark Doug, we're

done with this movie, but perhaps our listeners aren't quite done with you. So if they're not ready to avoid their ear holes of your wit and wisdom, where might they go to find a little more? Well, you can find us in our devilry over at the how to heretic.com or on Stitcher and iTunes or any pod blaster. We have a Facebook page that Dan hasn't updated since the Korean War, but I'm a lively scam on Twitter at how to heretics. So find us there. All right.

Excellent. Well, guys, thanks so much for helping us out today and helping us decide for this piece of shit. I love you and I hate you for making me watch this. Thanks guys. Exactly. Thanks. In you forever now.

No. It was there all along. Yeah. And well, that's going to do it for review of God's Army, two states of grace, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet, because we still need a reapply for this job next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Bible man, episode one going all the way back to the big, the origin story, if you will. Awesome.

All right. So with that, we're going to bring episode 150 to a merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to Mark and Doug for hanging out with us today. And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to catch up with them, they're actually going to be a great episode donation of patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby, you're in early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us stun by living as a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a, the

citation needed in the skeptic red available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you sure to check out our sibling shows the Skating A, the Ascitation Needed, and the Skeptocrat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoffamuse.gmail.com, Legal Services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotting, Leeville Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week, for Heathen, right, Neely, Lye

Busting. I'm No Illusions, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Holley and Scott went on to have an extremely lucrative career in the niche market of Mormon Cutter Point. Lewis and the old lady that owned the church. Fuuuuts! Holley found a nice Puuuuts! Holley found a nice podcaster to be with. He also never returned her phone calls.

Elder Farrell went home to Idaho, where his loving Mormon father buried him alive in a solemn ceremony, attended by his entire community. Pineapple Sprite Punch and Ham buns were served. HOT! Pineapple Sprite Punch y Hambuns were served. ¡HAT! Yeah, but if you... I'm blue, I'm blue. I'm not pink. Sorry.

I got excited. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, capiary en 2018, al rato. vivido. No te prisa que vuelan. Entra y reserva en Destinia.com. y escapate a lanzarote, la isla diferente, porque lanzarote es un paraíso que está muy cerca, con playas de todos los colores, y porque hemos hallado vuelo más 5 noches de estancia en hotel 3 estrellas desde 339 euros. Atrapalo.com