God Awful Movies - 151: GAM151 Bibleman - Episode 1

Episode Date: July 10, 2018

On this week's episode, the guys team up for an atheist review of the pilot episode of Bibleman, which somehow led to additional episodes of Bibleman.  --- To see us live in London on October 6th, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-london-tickets-47591873575 --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Soy Feliciano López y sé que en la vida no hay nada perfecto. Ni el golpe perfecto, ni el partido perfecto. Pero sí hay una energía perfecta y está en perfecta energía. Soluciones integrales de energía solar y autoconsumo. Haz como yo entra en perfecta energía.com y cambia de energía. Imagino que el embarrassing es que hay que ser el fibril para ir al balón I Mean imagine how embarrassing it's got to be for the fibler to go back and tell Satan that he's failed, right? I was like I had a oh man. I know we've accomplished some much bigger shit than this we had Hillary almost president and oh

Couldn't be mad Oh, you're gonna be mad. Let me ask you something. Have you seen Charles and Charles? Yeah. His dick was just right. I didn't. His dick was so distracting. Then it was a lot.

So, God awful movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be your host Noah Luzans and sitting to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know what? Artist has gone under appreciated. Wait, which one? That'd be me as an overweight 13 year old hip hop dancer. We're going to fix that today.

And we're going to start to move that trend line a little bit. Yeah, and sitting at anyone miles to my right, of course, it's my bad friend Eli Bosnich Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm good. It was weird to watch my co-hosts' home videos with him like this. I just, I feel like we should warn each other. I told you guys about that porno.

You broke the TV. So I feel like we're all in the same. I don't know. I feel like he jumped this on us. I feel like emailing me something that says, click this seriously. Isn't the same as telling that. Yeah. You like dick rolled us on that. That's not. But Rick Astley was in the video. He was. Oh, that's true. His career has not gone well. And he wasn't going well a bit time. It's funny. He's just a joke. You did let us down though. You did let us down. He did turn around.

So they, Rick doesn't hurt. It did not hurt. The good. So who tell us if, why will we be breaking down today? We watched the Bible man show episode one, The pilot, the six eyes of the fibrillary, which finally answers that age-old question about how black people became such big fat liars. And the answer is the Jews did it. So there you go. That's why black people are big liars. Yep. It's the Jews. It's like an exception of bigotry this movie. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love spreading the word of the Lord through Christian superhero antics, but seriously, you hate the Jews and I'm pretty sure black people too. You will love this movie. It's guy from your high school who comments on your Facebook out of nowhere,

the movie. I have a nice day at Pride. We'll tell you what. And you're like, oh, no. No. In a sense, of course, as he started a little to do, this is a prequel episode, because for whatever reason we started on episode two of Bible man and then did episode three. So did this one like did it fill in all those lingering origin story questions you guys had? Well, what I loved about this is that, you know, in the new episodes, they do like a, this guy was a mild mannered, not Christian. And then he became a Christian. And this one,

they literally just go, and I don't want to spoil anything But they literally just go by Alright, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna say best worst Highlight, because this again was the first episode of this show. Investors saw this. And they were like proof of. I'm.

But he went back from Charles and charge needed a new vehicle and we have fucking found it. Here are a hundred dollars, make a full. So. Now listener, if you're listening back through the archives, I just want to point out that as if he's saying that we had not watched God friend in me, the new pilot that's coming out about a guy being Facebook friends with God. So please, please do not send your emails, do not send your tweets. It is June when we are recording this.

It is June. All right. So I was going to go with best worst non-nigerian audio. All right, so I have to carve out that exception for vol. There's a horror movie. Moving on. So mine. Nothing.

Well, reverse. Race this. Nothing will ever come in under the bar that, um, Vol. There's a horror set. But this movie, like, there are parts of this movie where I swear to you that they recorded the audio by setting a tape recorder near the action. Absolutely. There was without a doubt a conversation at some point in the making of this pilot where someone said, what she need a microphone, I can hear a fun if the camera can't hear it,

then it's not a game right all right action And did you have any best word Cila? Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst odd man out now We've only seen three episodes so far, but the same child is falling under evil's influence It's getting weird. Get in uncomfortable. We'll get to it. We'll get to it. Maybe, maybe next episode I take a little peek at. And see a firmament of action is racist. You can't just have government fix the problem. You have to just let it happen. All right. Well, as bad this show was, we're gonna have to review it quick before I commit suicide, so we're gonna keep the break-breathing when we come back. We'll dive into all the grown men playing swords that is Bible man.

Episode 1 Hi, I'm No Illusions. You may know me from the toss to this ad. You know nowadays just about everybody needs a website, and when it comes time to build your website, you have a lot of options. You could pay somebody a giant pile of money and then remind them you did that every month for a year and then ask for your money back. You could pay a different person that same giant pile of money and waste another six months realizing that they don't know what they're doing. You could try to do it yourself and

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site in real time. Okay, I would sell my left arm for that. They can help you there too. Squarespace's powerful e-commerce functionality lets you sell anything on one. I don't think that includes left arms. I'm just trying to work in the copy points Noah. Gotcha. Is there one about how I can try Squarespace now?

You bet. Just head to squarespace.com slash awful for a free trial. That's squarespace.com slash awful. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code awful to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. And remember, a dream is just a great idea that doesn't have a website yet. Wow, that's a pretty snappy line. Was it was that in the copy? It was. Man, that's good copy. Think it. Dream it. Make it with Squarespace. Hey, Willie. Hey guys, thanks for

seeing me. I'm really excited about working together on this new project for the love and the glory of our Glory of Jesus whatever we had a couple questions about the scripts. All right. Well, you know, the only real answer is Jesus, but I'll do my best. Okay. Yeah. So we've been going through them and it seems like all the villains are, I don't know, but this bigoted stereotax. That's exactly how you should put it. Yeah, and mostly juice. Almost all juice. Yeah. And entirely almost.

But no, I mean, I mean, they did kill Christ and they do control the media, which is why all the networks passed on my awesome show, but none of the villains in the show are Jewish. Really? Okay, so the villain from episode five, Bobo Man versus the bluish princess isn't supposed to be a reference to a Jewish woman.

No, she's just not quite blue, obviously. No. And why do all our stage directions have like a Jew above them in brackets? Well, I mean, what about the guy with the claws? An episode eight. Yeah, Freddie Juger. Was his name on or the one in the mask for an episode 10?

Yeah, Kikel Myers. Kikel. No, the other guy on the mask. Oh, yeah. That's Jason Voorheib. That's the one. Yep. That's what guys.

I feel like you're taking this all wrong. Okay, well, it seems to us from our direction, like you're just trying to cloak blatant anti-Semitism in a children's show. So that Christian children will have a head start on hating Jews even before they know what that means. Oh, then no, no, then you're taking it exactly right. That is.

Oh, okay. Maybe, maybe, maybe, pureflix. Make a show. Yep. Seven seasons. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start off stealing ourselves for that dumbass Bible man intro. Only to discover, no, the intro and the pilot was somehow

even worse. Yeah. Yeah. The intro we saw in the other ones was the new and improved one. Yeah. Yeah. Never thought I'd say the words, gee, the Bible man theme song got better. Would you care to cool us in on the lyrics to that one?

Elyde, did you happen to remember the on the lyrics to that one? Ely, did you happen to remember the complex lyrics to I Googled them. Let me bring that up. It is a long section. I was gonna Bible man Bible man. There we go. They just go Bible man, Bible man over and over again, until they've already named all the kids. Yep. That is the song song and like I hate to call it Doodly do so early, but I would have love to be there for the writing of this song Hey Dave hey Steve

Hey, Willie, what's up? Oh, dude, what time is it? You guys such kidders. It's Monday. I can't wait to hear the song you wrote for the Bible man show that I'm doing. I mean, that's a day, not a time. What song are you talking about though? Yeah, remember? You guys, oh, yeah, of course.

We remember we did not spend that money on drug Steve, and booze, not nor booze. We did not spend that money on drug Steve right? Boos right? No or booze right? We did not spend that. So we we we wrote you a song. Yeah, no, that's what I assumed you would just we're gonna do with it. Let's let's. Well, let's hear the song.

Yeah, cool. Got it. Cool. I'll start. Canada. Cool. Got it. Cool. Out.

I'll start. Canada. Yeah. Ba-man, ba-man. That, that's it. Man, song. That's it. That's it.

Yeah, that's, wait. That's song, wrote you. I love it, guys. Crew bug. Oh, I just watched that. That song wrote you I love it guys grew bug And if it wasn't that How it happened that that is how it happened. That should be how it happened, right? Like it was even that. I mean, because at least that way, somebody got drugs from it. Anyway, okay.

So during this whole thing, they show all the kids and then we've got like, we have Bible man walking down the stairs, but we'll only see him walk like one or two steps and then it'll cut to a kid and then it'll show him walking another couple steps. As though he had trouble walking down there, those stairs and required several takes. Yeah. I mean, this whole pilot episode screams milk it. So what I think happens is Williams walked down those stairs and he was like, Hey, Dave, how much footage now and Dave was like four seconds and he was like, ooh, can we stretch that? Seven minutes?

No. But they throw it in slow mo to stretch it to like 20 seconds. And it's supposed to make him out to be like all gangster, but he's wearing like enormous corduroy parachute pants and like Eli's Velcro specials. It's not gangster at all. And how scary is it? Or sad is it rather that at this point like we recognize the kids like right? Like when when baby he's showed up, we're like, oh my God, that's fat Ryan.

I guess they're so excited for baby is the great fat Ryan dancing, which happens a lot in this episode. That is the best part of my job. Like fat Ryan dancing for three seconds, that sustains me for another year of these really. We need this kid. Okay, so this kid's like 35, right? He's absolutely like we need to find this kid and make him remake every dance movie

that they're like, stop the art with fat Ryan, dirty dance with fat Ryan. We can see electric boogaloo fat Ryan, black swan, fat Ryan. Also, I have $9 so we can afford this guy like it's all coming together Also another thing I didn't think I'd ever say is she Ryan got better at dancing So yes, so then we get Bible man walking into his to his laboratory where he does all his science his Bible science Which is stupid fucking chemistry set. Yeah. Where he's just like testing the boiling point of different colors. It's blues the highest. Like, what the fuck?

I can't wait for him to foil a bad guy with the chemistry set somehow. Like a bad guy is going to say something about carbon dating and by the way, I'm going to pour hot blue liquid on a rock and it's going to say like about carbon dating and by the way, I'm going to pour hot blue liquid on a rock and it's going to say like 6000 years born on dating on the side of the rock. I expected Ivanka Trump to slowly arise up from behind it and be like, hmm, titration, photo, take a photo, boo, feckless, cunt, boo. And you know what we won't do for that joke, a polygym. No shit. hunt boo. And you know what we won't do for that joke, a politician.

No shit. Anna, cue the Ivanka Trump is a cut song. It's not home right now, but I want you to know that if we had more time to record this episode, there'd be a song. I mean, all I'm saying is we're recording in an advanced. So who knows? Anna, we have a month. Did you just hear a song?

If you just heard a song, that's awesome. And if not, you never heard the intro anyway. So great job, man. I was really good. All right. And there's, I'm sorry, I have to point out this one other moment because this scene ends with Bible man grabbing his helmet. And I guess I guarantee you the original intent was like, and then putting it on. Yeah, but it's not a great helmet that they got like maybe don't pick up the magneto helmet. If it's going to fall apart when you touch it, it's made of like construction paper and glue and just like floppy. Not great. This is me on every film set ever. Like I see a cool thing I walk over.

I'm standing next to a guy who spent eight hours on it. And I'm like, oh, wow, a machine gun. Smash. Oh, there's a toy for the movie. Don't. Why are you eating it either way? Because it's not real. It's chocolate.

That's what I learned from Boy Scouts. And blues good. All right. So then, uh, uh, kids are dancing on a porch quite abruptly. Yeah, including fat Ryan, including fat Ryan. Yeah, everybody but Ashley's here, all the kids, all the kids except for the little black girl, and it's riding her trike like it's the beginning of the fucking shining. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. I genuinely had a moment where I was like, is this song going to end with an inner cut where we see them like chasing the black girl with torches at the end? Like they finally make the line. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Well, yeah, no, they keep in or

so, okay, so this whole song, they keep intercutting these sequences of this little girl ride her bike like the lone ranger is behind her Something and she does not know how to ride a bike yet. No, she is and the camera is way too close. Yeah, well, like they're hiding a group of people who are torches Yeah, like it's doing the not touching can't get mad thing with camera. She's not doing well with it it's two in the not touching can't get mad thing with camera. She's not doing well with it. So yeah, but in the middle of this, we have these kids singing this song and the opening line of the song, I just had to point this out is we have made a decided choice. What kind of what kind of choice did you make there? So are those words that fit together next to each other in a sentence? Anyway, so yeah, so they're all dancing on this front porch. Baby Heath goes baritone. Oh, Ryan got a solo. It's the best. Yeah. So they're all dancing like fucking

aerobics instructors. It's like, it's like, it's like the cheerleading squad for Jesus getting crucified. Ready? Okay. It's really bad. And then Ryan, oh my God, they give him a solo. It's any starts by trying to do this like chilled out sexy lean pose. Yeah, one of the pillars of the thing. It's like, oh, it's the great. It couldn't go worse. Like he could have shot himself and been smoother with this. I have never looked at a human and thought, I'm a better dancer than that person until I saw that clip of Ryan. And I originally I was going to write out the lyrics so we could make fun of those because

it's only a half hour thing figured we'd have time. But at a certain point, I'm writing down Bible vision. What donkey come will say? And I'm like, no, this is not. I know that you're the Bible isn't the lyrics because there's donkey come will say? And I'm like, no, this is not. I know that you're sure that isn't the lyrics, because there's donkey come in the Bible. Yeah, they might be getting the literal parts, the good parts. And I mean, it's easy to get distracted from the lyrics

when Ryan's doing a giant pelvis sexy bump thing. Like he's a clumsy virgin sex robot. It's the greatest. That again, this guy is a real person. He's 30, he's somewhat, he's like with his girlfriend somewhere, reenacting that pelvic, pelvic thrust for her. Just do it again, do this. He looks like a very, very specific corner of West world that you have to pay a lot of money to get into. Just like, you want to fuck the special boy robot? Come on, come on. Roll back that rock. He's at the center of the maze

Spoilers yes spoilers for season two Ryan said the center Please give me crazy billionaire money look at all the great things I'll do with it. I'll call Iv, Vanka Cunt. I'll hire that guy and recut all of Westworld's available version so that Ryan's at the center of the maze. All right. So, yeah, so they, and this goes on for four and a half minutes. This little song that they do, there's four choruses at the end because we just can't get enough of that. And of course, throughout all of it, we keep getting these cuts to Ashley as though if we don't see it every 11 seconds, we're going to forget. Oh, right, right. Little black girl was on a bicycle. Wasn't she?

Yeah. By the time she pulls up, I just wrote, if the first thing this little black girl says isn't, it's, I'm going to be disappointed. I wanted to flying circus opening. I wanted to fight on flying circus opening. Also one other small thing during this musical number on the porch. Does a dead bird not fall off the roof of the house? So I'm getting the high and they keep it. Something happens. Something happens. I watched that like 19 times. I have no idea what I think whoever like funded this pilot jumped to their death. It's like the fun. Yeah. I was wondering about

that myself. There were not a lot of second takes going on. Maybe it was happening. Got all the birds. I don't know. All right. And just then as the musical number is over, a little Ashley shows up on her bike. This is where we're going to meet our villain for the film. He's hiding behind a tree. And he's a Jew again. Well, he's like a Jewish Joker. He's like a Joker. Right. You look like the Joker's about to try out for boys to men. The Nambla theme to R and B. Well, right. Yeah. I had him as an Oopalumba, fuck the Shakespearean, Joe. So we're all on the same basic page here. So, okay. So all the other kids are mad at her for showing up late. Apparently, this is practice, right? Because in case for the later, porch-based show that they're going to do elsewhere, right?

Because like the porch steps were involved, anyway. So, they all start getting on to Ashley for getting late. And then she decides to lie about why she's late. And she does that because the bad guy blows green lies smoke at her. I really wanted everyone to stop and acknowledge that and just be like, hold on, sorry. Why is the Jewish guy in the Joker costume blowing green smoke at you? Is that lies smoke? Excuse me, sir, sir. What are you doing over there? Why is the Jewish guy in the Joker costume blowing green smoke at you? Is that light smoke me sir?

Sir, what are you doing over there? It's my stepdad. He likes to vape. He is a skin thing. It's from the vape. They really have the test of that stuff. She says at one point here, she's like, you're just picking on me because I'm the youngest. Yes.

And she pauses so awkwardly. You're like, you know, they had to tell her five times to not say black. And a proud black woman. No, that's not right. No. Cut. Stop.

You're not allowed to say cut. I am. Also, you know, this episode was originally called the race card, but they may believe you're right. Yeah, and then you come in and you're all attitude. You're like, can you do that thing with your head yet? What do you mean yet, Willie? Yeah, snake. And now, and just then, just as she lies, she says, you know, oh, I was taking care of my cat

And they're like, oh, you're so full of shit. It's been three you've been late three times last time you said you had to take care of your mom as though Those are contradictory Somehow right And then she says I think my cat got my mom sick with the same thing Because I get into the green smoke. I want to be like, somebody be like, your cat had feline aids.

What's happening? Yep. I'm has aids. He has really. I know. Okay. And then Bible man teleports into the yard to tell the kids that he was praying for them. Yep. He was just praying. And then he thought to himself, I should go hang out with some children. Unfortunately, that happens

quite a bit. And hey, if you've ever been curious about Bible man's penis, just go to six minutes and 40 seconds into this episode because it is absurdly and disturbingly visible through his tites at that moment. You're going to want the 3D glasses. You won't need the 3D glasses. And then tell me if I'm wrong here, he smells the Jew. Yes, he does smell the Jew. Okay.

I was going to be clear, I wasn't the only one who was thinking he smells the Jew. That's absolutely what happened. He's like, hey, everybody has bursts of going. And then we get this highly coordinated turn-based mumbling where everybody's like, I'm on, mumbling dude, great, great, I'm doing it, mumbling. And then he has a weird look on his face and he's something's going on wrong.

And everybody's like, what's wrong with Bible man? Again, with every permutation of stressing, it's like, what's wrong with Bible man? Again, with like every permutation of stressing, it's like, what's wrong with Bible man? What is wrong with Bible man? I already did that one. I already did that one. What is wrong with it? And Bible man, he's like, you guys smell it, you? That's what happened.

I smell like fish and gold. Do you know the smell of fish and gold. Do you know, that's not fish and gold? Are you in your period, Ashley? You have to tell me. It's like being a cock. I'm your day. All right. So he was. He was. All right. So he, he tells everybody, you know, hey, it's going to be great. You guys are going to do great at the show. I'm sure no magic, a level of Satan Jews will come and fuck it up for you. And then he teleports away. Seems like a huge waste of teleportation technology.

Yep. Although to be fair, that is what Christians would do if it gives us that technology. That's not. Yeah. You guys ready for the Jesus thing I could transport through matters. This is the same me that got to sinigrated. Who knows? All right. So then he leaves and boy, baby, he sure is sorry about calling that lying liar girl a liar. So they all make up. He goes, uh, hang on a minute. And I wanted him so badly to come out. hood, just be like, they're all forgetting to come out. Like, yeah, you hear me, you lying, Octa Rune. Oh, God.

Yeah, what was he doing inside the house for two seconds there, whatever, it's really weird, but it's the best. He walks up the three stairs of the porch at this point with so much effort. Oh, yes, just lumbering like tuba start playing right next to him. He comes back literally two seconds later. He's winded. He's got like sideburns sweat dripping down.

He's got the move stains underneath. What a really long pants session. It's just, oh, oh, sorry. So I'm doing a, doing a new thing. I'm doing go mad. But I really so far, I've just drank the milk song. I'm okay. I'm okay. But no, instead of coming out to KKK hood, instead, he's brought some of the music. He's going to show his trust in Ashley and ask her to bring half the music with her. Yeah, he's like, I need some help with the music.

That's that's what I needed help with. You seem perfect. Yeah, right. Wait, wait, wait. Me, people, why am I perfect? And he's like, you're black. Black fuck. I couldn't think of anything with BL.

I just keep saying black. Black, black. Black. Black. Black I just keep saying black damn black black Black I've got black running through my veins that doesn't even make sense now Yeah, but that's very important plot point she has to bring half the music You can tell Ryan was head in his bats here, right? He's, I don't know if we can trust you with all of that shit. Well, why don't you bring half of it? Half.

Okay. Fine. Three fifths. We'll go. I was going to say every fifth. Right. I tried to make that joke listener, but I forgot that it's not two third. I was wondering. I saw that your notes and I was like, well, I wouldn't be two thirds. I don't realize not racist.

He wanted them to have 10 percent more. All right. So then we got to vote to count in the census for white. Yeah, exactly. All right. So now we cut to kids singing at church and sweaters. And this is the first time, like it's not like the audio has been good up to this moment. But this is the first tape recorder on the floor.

The thing, I think they might as well be singing into cans. Yeah. But I didn't notice any of that because everyone in this church in the so called audience is so fucking crazy looking. Oh my God. There's a woman in front wrote just wearing a quilt. Like she is just fashion day quilt into a mother fucking outfit. You know what?

The entire room rebukes evolution. Like there is zero chance we evolved. And my evidence is these couple of views of so-called humans. Yeah. I guess if I was looking out over that every Sunday morning, I wouldn't believe and my evidence is these couple of views of so-called humans. Yeah, I guess if I was looking out over that every Sunday morning, I wouldn't believe in evolution either. I had it down as a post-apocalyptic Walmart. Yeah.

Looks like a 1985 Walmart got preserved in Amos. Yeah. But not well preserved, because they're still aging. Yeah, so and then we, during all of this, and we're getting the kids dancing and singing, I mean, these kids could do it all. They could spin, they can clap. That's, that's it all. Um, and, and we're getting the crowd shots along with it. And like at least one lady in the audience isn't even trying to pretend she's in a TV. She's just

like just blatantly waving to the camera and shit. Yeah. Absolutely. At this point, by the way, I watched this with Anna because I promised her it was only 29 minutes and Anna turns to me and goes, where's the black kids family? And I just said, oh, they're sitting in the back. It's his name must have been. We sure never saw him. We also get one woman in the audience who just, we get like 30 seconds of her just trying to pretend she knows lyrics, but she's literally, I don't think she gets a single

lyric, correct, just more and more panic in her eyes until they finally got away. It's the best. It's me, whenever anyone gets past you, other brothers can't deny in big bucks. She's like, man, and then there's the face. When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung. It's sprung is what you get. Yeah. All right. Okay. Sure. So so mix a lot.

So now all right, we then we get the intermission for the kids. I'm not for the movie. God, it would be nice if it was for the movie. But the kids have an intermission in their church dance number and they're real excited about how the first half of the music went. Sure hope. Nobody forgot that second half. So yeah, the guy comes in the second half

of the music and Ashley has forgotten it like a dumbass. And this church jazz choir director loses his mother fucking. Yes. He's like, seriously? Seriously, we're not doing the second half of the concert. I'm going to go hang myself. Yeah. I'm going to go hang myself. And this is all your fault. Right after I murder all of you, fuck you. Fuck you. Nine year olds.

Also, okay. So when we discover this, the fibler is sitting up in the corner of the room. Now, earlier, he was hiding behind a tree. now he's just in the corner of the room and nobody can see it. They cannot decide whether or not this character is invisible. This will happen again. Yeah. Also, why is Satan so dedicated to fucking up a youth constant? Yeah.

How does that planning go? I want to be there for that meeting. You called for me, Lord Satan? Ah, yes. The Fibber! Whoa, dude. Nope, no, I said Fibber, you're the Fibber. Oh, oh, Fibber. Okay, no, I thought you said that. I know, I know what you thought comes up a lot.

I have a mission for you. Oh, good, yes, my Lord. You are going to ruin a church good. Yes, my Lord. You are going to ruin a church performance. Yes, my Lord. That's it. That's it. I mean, yeah. You're the fibber.

You're not like full-on lying. Hey, hey, murder. Yo. This guy makes people murder each other. Wow. And you, you know, you just like, encourage. Encourage small like, cover your ass lies. Cover your ass lies, exactly, you know. So, sure.

Yeah, I'll get right on the church performance. Hey, hey, murder, can I get your autograph? No. So cool. You're the worst. That makes sense. No, yeah, no, I have to, obviously. So okay, so the Fibler makes her lie again, and this time she says that she wasn't supposed

to bring the other half of the music. It was Baby Heath's job and baby heath is pissed. He's so mad and then the church director goes out, the church jazz choir guy goes out and he delivers this fucking king speech about how deeply ashamed he is. As ladies and gentlemen, today is a day that I do not know any of us shall ever forget. That you came here for Jesus's Lord and Jesus loves the little children. And yet I am only able to deliver 50% of what you paid for. Please meet me in the back for your refund. And if you strike me as you leave, I just get a

tiny little samurai sword out. Yeah. I feel like the overplayed how mad this audience was about missing another dance number. I really want to just fucking leave and get on with their life. Like they're about to rush the stage and start crushing people that like soccer, who again, they're throwing pews. Yeah. So, but somehow the audience manages to get over it. They go to file out and this is where we learn that Bible man is standing in the back holding several children and feeling others. The only way to describe this activity is touching as many children as possible. And it's treated as like completely natural. This man in a superhero outfit, just like,

hi, how are you? Why am I wearing superhero outfit holding this child? Oh, no, I'm a mask crime fighter. I fight under HSVU crimes. This is normal. You're being weird. Yeah. Alright. So then the fibler goes to walk away. And again, because they can't decide whether he's visible or invisible in a single scene. Bible man sees him trying to rush away, even though

he's clearly invisible to everyone else. And now it's time for a Bible saber battle. What? And by the way, the Fibler opens this by the first time their like swords clash, he goes, oh, and we cute. And Bible man loses his goddamn mind with gay fear.

He's like, no, hey, yes. No, we're not. For my notes though. I wrote Jesus, just like hanging out with Cecil. He's like, get out of my bed, where's my wife? It's the whole thing. Also, there's this very clear, like, you know, it's like moment where Bible men's like,

I don't know who you are, but I can tell by the nose, I don't like you. So the Fibler, of course, and this is where we get our first instance of Bible, quote, shit talk of the film. Oh, it is so good. They're Bible, quote, and back and forth. They're sword fighting. And then one of the kids runs out and is like, Bible man, Bible man, as he turns around

and she's like, Ashley Quinn, our singing group. And I want to be like, Hey, I don't know if you noticed, but I was fighting a literal demon. Did she quit the singing group because she's being attacked by a demon? Cause I was being attacked by a demon. I was with a thorn. We're going to lose our minority quota funding. Yeah, right. And it's hilarious because like the fibres like you have no authority over me and by women

It's like you're right. I don't but I know somebody who does in the name of Jesus. I bet us you to the pits of Bible man And yes What do you want oh Ashley quit the You know, I never mind never mind you don't worry about it. You're banishing someone somewhere. Oh, yeah No, by all means I will deal with your no You've not where I was now. See you threw me up All right, so then we cut back to Bible man's hideout so he can silence now

Bible man HQ one point oh Is somehow like this suit like the theme music, somehow even worse than later. This is like, it is very clearly whatever church decorations were in the basement and two Commodore 128s. I'd love to be able to tell you that I had notes on this so that I noticed it, but I was, I think the word is hypnotized by Willie Ames' mom jeans. They are my everything. Yeah. And he got thick since Charles and Charles.

He's like, his entire, except for his head. Because his head does not match the size of the rest of his body. The rest of his body is really just crazy. He looks like he went to the dad pants store and had an allergic reaction to all the police. And he's walking through his HQ, which looks like a caveman built a medieval castle. It's got for some reasons, fucking swords and iron, queer asses on the fucking wall. Yeah. I watched, I watched this the day after how shopping and all I could think was damn, I wish I could afford a house as nice as Bible man,

that paper mache instead of his pesto step. And then we get, we walk past his, uh, his weird chemistry table again, but he definitely forgot to clean up his weird fucking sex toys because there's like shackles in it is to the test tubes and like specula and like a telescopic fuck funnel. I'm pretty sure that orange thing. I don't know if you guys remember. Yep. And by the way, those shackles definitely brought in by someone to be like, we have these. They are not handcuffs. They are of the furry pink variety, if you don't want to say it. Okay. You like question, telescopic fuck funnel. Is that four liquids or is

that like you, is it, you put your dick through it or both? Oh, it's for liquids. It's for you. You got to watch some hand time, man. Get some Bible black going. Just fill a school girl up with milk. There's a listener right now who's like, ooh, I get that joke. I wish I didn't get that joke. Why don't I get that joke? It was right in the pocket. Always have it. All right.

So then he sits down and he checks through villain Tinder to find out who he was short fighting with earlier. And these villain names are So stupid first up we get spider head. Why do they call him spider head? He has a spider painted in sharp sharpie on his face Also camo Kenster because he has Also, Camo Kenster because he has Camo stuff. His name's Ken, I'm assuming, maybe. His name's Ken, we don't know.

Also, left foot, Louie. Right, he is French and has left foot. Yeah, we assume. Got the Smiler, which is ironic, because he frowns a lot. Yeah, elastic, like little John John Robin Hood nailed the illusion. Also unlucky Lucy. She has a hat.

Okay. Again, they were asked to come up with a few names for criminals and the number that they failed at was one. Yes, it was. They started their first and best answer was spider head But he's got sharpies spider, okay Camel can't start camo stuff name can you go left foot Louis? We're crushing. Oh, I was really glad. I wanted him to go through real criminals, right?

He's just Murder murder. Wow, this is a lot. Where's spider head? Where's iron brains to? You'll cause me. No. Second most disappointing person for the children's show in this movie. But then eventually he does come across the guy he was fighting and realizes that he's up against the Fibler.

And at one point he types like he gets those names up, he gets like through the smile and unlucky Lucy and he's like, oh, fuck, I can't find it. And he types some more. But like what, what, what did he type there? Just like narrow the search bad guy and Jewish odor. Yeah. And the flip like comes up. So he gets it.

But clearly, he typed in what else you got. Um, yeah. And then, but he's got it now. And of course, he's Bible man. So once he's figured out who it is, he looks right up in the sky and thanks the big guy. Because that computer's run on Jesus' love. Yeah, well, very clearly, very clearly. All right. Well, while the Fibola reexamines his privacy settings, we're going to pause for a quick break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell. Will the dance troop have time to find a new black friend? What does Bible man have to tell his neighbors

when he moves in? Can they secure a boom mic before it's too late? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We return for the exciting conclusion of Bible man, Episode 1. These days you can get anything on demand. Hey man, what music do you have? I have literally all the music on iTunes. Oh, cool. And it seems like everything is at your fingertips.

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Cool. Fingers really tired. Okay, everybody, are you ready for the next episode of Bible Man? Yeah, yeah, Willie. Okay, so this episode is called The Stealer. And in it, the Stealer makes Ashley take Ryan's notebook, even though she knows she should. Now, excuse me, Mr. Ames, Mr. Ames.

Yes, Ashley. How come I'm always the one that sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, to talk too loud during the movie's lure? Not gonna lie, that felt especially directed at me. Okay. Gens, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm trying to make a good, clean show to help praise the Lord. And I think you guys are getting a little bit of a... Okay, okay. So who gets attacked next week?

Okay, well, it is Ashley. All right, well, what's the demon called? I feel like this is gonna be telling. Smell different, okay, there it is. Well, what's the demon called? I feel like this is gonna Telling Smell different. Okay, there it is. I'm gonna go. Oh Guys guys they they do though really not the point not helping And we're back for more of this shit and we're gonna rejoin our heroes sitting around a classroom, trying to figure out how they can entice the person who always mispractice and forgot to bring the music

and fucked everything up to rejoin the team. And they're blaming baby heath. Baby heath, by the way, up until this point, like he called her a liar, he apologized for it, even though she was very clearly lying. He showed some trust in her. She fucked it up, blamed it on him. Yeah, unsung hero of this film.

Thank you. And also Mike like you. That's how I talk it through a wax paper in a comb thing. Oh, amazing. The sound degrades like my great-grandmother's memory throughout this movie. Talk to me.

Just like escalators. All right, there we go. So yeah, they're all talking and then they got the one kid they're trying to do the funny bit where the one kid just keeps no matter what anybody will say, he'll say, he makes a good point. Yeah. The kid with the overalls and one strap off. Yes.

The one shoulder down overalls made me very, very happy about my 90s nostalgia. But yeah, he agrees that everyone has a point and like, fuck you, people need to be wrong. Like they need to learn in middle school that they're wrong. It's important. It's just like masturbation that needs to be taught in middle school. You hear that sexy Brittany Murphy outfitted child? You hear that sexy Brittany Murphy outfitted child. You hear that? But yeah, but just then as they're talking about what they're going to do about the dance

troupe, Bible man's secret identity shows up to hustle them off to the next scene, but but he holds Nikki back. He holds the one in the little rolls back, which feels super uncomfortable when Willie angst us it. Every time he holds a kid back, I'm super uncomfortable when Willie Ames does it. Every time he holds a kid back, I'm like, this dude's gonna molester. This dude's gonna, I've seen this special. And no, means no. And I think they just like forgot why he was holding her back because he just like, they

try to have a conversation, it makes no sense. He's like, hey, is everything okay with you guys? And she's like, no. He's like, well, you'll be fine. She's like, no, I'm saying no. I said no. All right, we're done. All right, bye. There, champ. What the fuck are you?

Yeah. I mean, what's happening here is they're trying to write it in such a way to make it seem like a Willie Ames character really cares about these kids, but the people writing it don't care about kids enough to know what that would look like, right? Because like he asks, he's like, oh, is everything going all right with you? And they're like, no, not really. He's like, oh, I didn't want to actually talk to you about it. I just wanted to, oh, when I ask how you're doing, you're supposed to say fine.

Yeah. I get it. Williams is getting caught in the not fine trap, right? You're just like, how's it going? And then one of your wife's friends is like, actually, and you just want to be like, no. No. I take it back.

I take it back. Is that a butter knife? No, it's fine. Just give me the butter knife. Give me a word. I'll make it work. All right. And then we get the whole point of this episode.

We get the melodramatic montage of Ashley sad walking her bike. Oh, scarcely remembering what happiness even felt like. To a love song about the church group. Oh, my God. The lyrics are so on the nose. I know the truth. I told a lie. I have no excuses. No reason why. Oh, it's so fun. It's like it's supposed to be that like sad contemplative moment, but they couldn't think of anything. No, right. So we just get like five minutes of Ashley literally blinking. Yeah.

For the movie is Ashley blinking and then she's playing with dirt. Playing there in the grass. And like you said, some of that like pod safe music like it's supposed to be like, I started to cry. I started, but it's like the pod safe free version of that like, I began weeping. The whole township also started this actress cannot cry. So she just places her hands on her face. You're right, right.

And once it's gotten uncomfortable to all of us how not crying she is, finally someone said, okay, just, yeah, please. I want to be there the day of the shooting. I want to know how that went. Okay, Ashley, now this is the big scene where you're sad you miss your friends and you cry Okay got it alright and action sad sad sad cut cut Ashley uh sweetie what are you doing I was acting for the movie I said it was sad. No, okay, all right No, we need you to show it honey. Just really really show it show it. Oh, okay, okay

No, that's you writing the word sad on a sign yeah, and and now you're showing it actually I need you to show the emotion. Oh, okay, okay. This? No, that's the sign again. Yeah. Okay, how about this? How about you just put your face in your hands

and we'll play sad music? Okay, like this? That's your ass. Which? Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, that's the answer. He's a little slow. So we have to point out that like they, again, they're milking this shot for everything

they can get out of it. So like they'll have her laying in the ground being all sad and everything. And then it'll show her walking or a bike across the park and being sad on the ground on the other side of the park. And then it'll show her walking back. Well, how should you get back Noah? But she's having a 10-paces duel with her bike. But this literally goes on for 90 seconds, just her being sad and slightly different parts of

this playground. Children's shows don't have enough sad montages. I'll be brave enough to say this here right now. I think we all transformed when the Muppets found out the Jim Henson had died of AIDS. And I think we all transformed watching Ashley blink into distance. We did it. Google Muppets fired out in under bridge.

Who that shit? You will cry hard. And then hard. All right, so she sits down on this bench and just then Bible man shows up to be terribly mic'd as well. From what I can only assume is inside his peahol, right? Cause he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Everyone else has notes on the dialogue here. And I was just like, hey, Guy in a costume,

this seems fun. Also, she's sitting on a bench and maybe it's just me, but I really wanted it to pan over. And Kevin Bacon is on the other bench doing the scene from the woodsman with his little girl. I didn't see that. Yeah, sorry, don't know the reference movie about a pedophile who almost appears as a little girl. Okay, you bring up a good point. You bring up a very good point. I'd really like it if somebody in this fucking town would notice the grown man in superhero

tights with his dick showing and a cape on and a helmet and he's walking around a park talking to little girls. I'd like somebody to say something. Yeah, that'd be nice. But no, he sits down and he says, you know, I actually, you're just like the apostle Paul. I so wanted him to chop her head off. But no, he gives this quote, he gives this Bible quote that makes no fucking sets. Right? Like I'm trying to follow along with it and having trouble. And this little girl's looking at him like the fuck you talking about, dude.

Exactly. He's like, yes, a Paul said what I know, I don't know. And what I do, I don't. She's like, okay, I'm gonna fucking stop you right there. I'm 10. You have no idea what you're saying What and then in this crazy metamoment she's like yeah, I'm I'm seven Oh, okay, so yeah, here's the thing right sometimes you do bad stuff

But it's the fault of a goat demon and his army of face paint stereotype of a goat demon and his army of face paint stereotype. But he still asks Jesus for forgiveness just in case. Still confused. One more time. One more time. Boom, let me try to reverse. If you beat your slave with a bat, you have 48 out. No, keep picking bad ones.

Boom. I'm just yelling at you. You're black. Check my ID. No, no, no. But so finally he's just like, okay, whatever. None of that made sense. I'm saying don't lie to your friends.

Well, you know what that felt too secular. Don't let Jewish demons trick you into lying to your press. Is the theme of this show. I wanted it to pan over. It's just big burden. He's like, what? Not, not a dance. But you know, I wanted him to give some good advice. Like, Ash, bring weed.

Everyone forgets the green weed. This next time just show up with weed and everyone will be like, yeah, you were dick. Oh, sorry. I brought weed. Okay. Okay. So But she agrees with Bible man that she only lied because she was possessed by a Jew. Um, and so he talks her into going and apologizing to all of her friends. They, but not before he touches her uncomfortably.

Oh, no, no. All right. So then Ashley comes to see her friends who are practicing their dancing at a church again. The Fibler, of course, he's there in the rafters watching him doing, you know, hey, let's just not speculate on what he was doing. He's gloating. He's like, yes, one down four to go. And then this church group will probably, I don't know, disband. But he's a start a new one. That's racially diverse. Get rid of Britney, Britney Murphy kid next. But then much to the fibler's shock in dismay, Ashley apologized to us and they forgive her.

And I know I pointed at the start of the beginning, but this was a weird choice. It was weird to have the only African American character in your cast be the bad one who has to apologize. Like, Christians, you don't have a great history with black people. Just maybe Ashley doesn't get a turn of being corrupted by demons or as we learn three turns in a row. The meritocracy, Eli, it's America. All right. But Fibler is super pissed and he's like, oh, I'll be back to fight again.

But then Bible man shows up with his lightsaber already out escalating the conflict So well first of all he's standing on a ledge and for a second I thought the Fibler was just gonna kill himself He's like No His church group was my everything I

Mean imagine how embarrassing it's gotta be for the Fibler to go back and tell Satan that he's failed, right? He fails. He was like, I had a, oh, man, I know we've accomplished some much bigger shit than this. We had Hillary, almost president and oh, okay. You're gonna be mad. Let me ask you something. Have you seen Charles and Charles? Yeah. His dick was just right. I mean, it was so distracting. Vains, it was a lot. So now it's time for him and the bad guy, by which I mean, Bible man and the juke are to have a proverbs off. Oh, it's the best plush to have a proverbs off.

Oh, it's the best plus sword fight a proverbs off plus sword fight. By the way, also he just paraphrases here. You're not allowed to just paraphrase when you're quoting the Bible or anything really. And by the way, none of these are like good, right? I'm not crazy. Well, I mean, the entire book of Proverbs is just fucking stupid. It's just like obvious stuff. There's no insight to it.

They're like, not even just like one of them's like, a good man hates deceit. Yep. Looks like we're almost at a beer. We're not. I feel like deceit is bad because you're the new. I covered these up. Proverbs 17 to I wrote that one down. I could have just stopped writing. I could have just written a B in an L and just saw another word, but it was the ACK is the war. Crazy.

Crazy. And just for the record, like we're not exaggerating, a few of the other ones were Proverbs 192, willingness and stupidity don't go well together. Parafraze. Proverbs 187, saying foolish things is foolish and Proverbs 194, lying is bad. Like, what the fuck was happening in the town where the guys who wrote Proverbs live? What? Were people just running around like, I'm willing and stupid.

This is great. We give this a scissors. Like everyone gather around. We're going to figure out today whether or not lying is good or bad. Or we're really doing that today. or not lying is good or bad. Are we really doing that today? See, this is why we're doing this. This is why we're figuring this out.

Or we have to, you can't be always, what are you saying? Talk normal. Not. Also, there's this weird fucking moment where the fibler says, because they're having their little Bible quote Proverbs showdown and fibler goes you're cheating. You're nothing without the Bible and Bible man goes That's the first nice thing you've said to me and then the filler goes what the fuck does that mean dude? I've been to black sheet parties where someone would have been like hey man

Do you want to take a break? You want to go get some You should still feel good about yourself. This is about you. I really I wanted that conversation to keep going like a pig party You are nothing without the Bible. That's the nicest thing you've said to me all day. Wait, what? I am nothing without the Bible. I am a wretched worm who deserves hell, but Christ has saved me.

Uh, I actually don't think that's... Yep, part of it. I can say with 100% confidence that I deserve to burn in fire forever just because of how I was born. Luckily for me, Christ forgives me for my evil, evil nature. Okay, that's not a good worldview. I want Jesus to put a beer bottle up my ass and break it. Okay, I'm gonna go. Who's a pig?

I'm a pig. Wolf. All right, again, that's real. I'm a big tree on. Absolutely. Goal. Hey, high level patrons, we will bring you to a pig party. I don't think we can promise that. What's a pig party? Will you explain a pig party? Yeah, please. You like to explain a pig party later. We'll do it later off the air because otherwise I'd have a big party? Yeah, please. He likes to go right to the party. I'll explain a big party later.

We'll do it later off the air, because otherwise, I'd have a big old company talk about what I talked about earlier. I'd like to know ahead on the record with official documentation. And nobody ever lies again. Yeah. And he explodes into like horrible big pixel. He likes the first computer at like,

he might as well burst into a pile of punch cards. So yeah. And let's talk about why he explodes. He explodes because he accidentally hits himself in the dick with a white saber. Yeah. Jews. And then there's this weird moment.

He explodes into punch cards and then Willie Ames turns moment he exposed into punch cards and then Willie Ames turns the camera and does like a hmm I don't care that that guy's dead Bible man yeah alright now and and now is time for more fucking youth group right we can't get enough of the youth group so they got to do another number now Ashley's back in the band and they let her introduce this one. It's a song about being a piece of shit but your friends like you anyway. I don't know that they're doing her a favor. Nor the Christian message. Yeah, she just goes up there. She's like the Bible says I'm a liar but it's cool. It's first John 1.9.

There are no consequences if you're a Christian. That's what it's. John 1.9. And what it's just about. John 19. And now it's time for more dancing. When I tell you that at the beginning they're doing like the Chicago sexy knee pop thing, like, and Ryan can't do that. It gets worse from, he's like, his knee is separate from his thigh for a second angle snaps out.

It's fucking amazing. He's so off on the beat that he's almost actually back on. Yeah, right. He's almost like on like a cool backbeat thing. Well, he's not right. He's late enough that he's early anyway. And also again, the fucking audio here is like during the dance occasionally, the kids will clap and it's just so like definitely

loud compared to everything else, drowns everything else out for like two and a half seconds. Yeah. You can hear an audience member yell a cue to the kids at some point. Yes. It's just like a turn. It's fucking amazing. Also, watch out for fat Ryan. You can get hurt. Because like that's the majority of this dance number is the other four of these normal size children trying to literally dance around the fact that Ryan is huge and clumsy and dangerous. It's like danger to himself and others.

I never thought there could be an it in dance, but there's an it in this dance. Yeah. Trevor Eli, you were a bartender. Do you ever have to like fat new guy bartender that yeah, everybody's just like doing ninja moves around the stuff. I can't do anything. I was that guy. I stopped being you were fat Ryan.

That's right. I literally, I did the only thing that they they like, hey, you know, you're never supposed to like kneel down, right? Because I won't see you because all my job is to look at waist level and above. Don't ever kneel down and did that like push into the pool thing to the 19 year old girl I worked with. I don't think anyone in the world has ever been mad at me. The back girl, I have to take a header into an iceman. Oh, well, if you ever want to know what, like what it feels like for someone to be matter, I'll just won't edit out all the stuff you said.

You said, and we'll let Twitter have you. I'm also, by the way, they get a certain point in the stance number. They just get bored with it and it ends. They don't let the kids get all the way through it. No, a certain point. They're just like me. They're just going like, you know, I will, you guys be mad if we just cut it here. We won't be. Ryan's holding a gallon of pinia colada mix and it's not something's going to go wrong. They're horribly wrong. Why did you have to?

I did my side work. No, you didn't. That's not what that is. I meant you took it out and took the lid off and now you're dancing with it. And you have lemons. Are you going to cut? You're not going to cut them up. Why are you sweeping the leg? Stop. You're just cutting the leg. He's cutting them into slices like tomato. Slices the lemons, everybody. Oh, okay. Oh, he's rolling them up in the napkins. He's doing, you're doing lemon rolls? All right. What do you think those were for? Deep cuts.

All right, so then we gotta go back to Bible man's torture dungeon for a little bit. And this seems just exists so that he can thank God and give him like the creepy ex-boyfriend stalker I love you. Yeah. It's very, very awkward. He's like, I love you, Lord. I will be your willing vessel. So, do you want to say anything back to me? I'm just gonna leave a big pause starting now. Pause.

Two, three. God doesn't like the phone. The phone. It seems like you enjoyed spending time with me these last two days. Pause. Three, ahhh.

And then that's it. The credits come up and they're entirely rendered to the right speaker. The right speaker. The right speaker. All right. Well somehow, why would they pick like, wait, right? How do they decide on that? Right.

Those are boss. If you go, all right. And then we're going to pan this right. Like a boss, turn it up, turn up the right speaker. Yeah. Yes. All right. Well, somehow based on what we just saw, somebody financed two full seasons of this

shit. So my question to close things off tonight is what terrible dark secret did Willie Aims have on whoever he managed to dop into that? I'm going to say he watched DB Cooper hand a briefcase of money to Lee Harvey Oswald. and then Cooper put on a skin mask and a robe and became Earl Warren. Okay. I didn't do it. I was going to go with, he was in the first episode of Bible, man. Like, he said, you heard.

That's the funny. He was just like, I'll release this thing. He's like, no, no, haven't had the season. Please go. Ghost all those kids parents. Hey, look, man, there's going to be this thing called podcasting one day. Your kids going to be in his 30s. Somebody's going to show them, hey, weren't, wouldn't this you? Were you fat Ryan? And it's going to be disgusting. So like, yeah, goes back into his basement to bench press some more.

You have more than two 45s. No, but I'm doing high. I'll use four. Inples. Crick. Oh, no. High intensity. Swole. I'm swole. Go man.

And while that does it for our review, a Bible man episode one, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to earn your trust again next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck Sunday school musical. Oh, you know, because the thing was that this one didn't have enough music and it was the problem. Thank you for that. All right. Well, with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode 151 to a merciful close.

Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation of patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us in the time of leaving us a five-show review on iTunes and by sharing this show on all your various social media platforms. Any of you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows the skating a, the excitation needed in the skeptic crowd available on iTunes

to turn wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godawfulmoveiesatgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Taurus. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, the evil drafts on Mars. All other musicals written and performed by Ryan Slot, Nick Leavill, Drafts on Mars. Oh, the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right? Neelai Bostick. I'm No Illusions, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. The Fibler currently lives inside the ample neckwaddle of Sarah Huckies' sand. Ryan went on to start a podcast and he'll tell us about his childhood and discresions in his own tongue. The original plot of Bibleman, Bibleman versus the Dirty Jew, was scrapped for something far less subtle. Here was taking on the fuck out of my face the whole time I was doing that bet. I was like I was being a total pro

He's I'd be really close I was like guys No fair You called for me Lord Satan are you are you him? Oh, nope, that's the wrong color. That's the color you've been for three years. I mean, I can go either way. I can swing Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, man. Oh, man. Black. Black. That's our next t-shirt.

No, the skating ain't just the whole series. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyrighted 2018. All rights reserved.