God Awful Movies - 152: GAM152 Sunday School Musical

Episode Date: July 17, 2018

This week, guest masochist Rebecca Vigil joins us for an atheist review of Sunday School Musical; the story of a desperately rushed production that just barely made it out in time to catch the "grandma who might think it's High School Musical" wave. --- See Rebecca's show! She's always that funny. Find out more here: http://www.yourloveourmusical.com/ --- If you’d like to see us live in London in October, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-london-tickets-47591873575 ---  If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Nothing happens, nothing changes. He just like, it's like the third time he gets asked. He has to say yes. Yeah, exactly. I am a cop. Damn. Here's my dick. And I shouldn't do that when we have guests. Uh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OO OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE O Mike. Okay, this is sadder than I thought it would be. Um, you can do it. No, uh, seven hundred miles to my immediate north is my good friend. He's that right. Heath, welcome back. I don't want to talk about it. Whatever. Thank you. Noah. That's fine. I wait. I can do this. I can do this. We're do shows serious. Yeah. Okay. For sure. Yeah. Thanks. Noah. You know what? Zach Efron's always been missing. What's that? A little bit of David A.R. White mixed in. So that's, yeah, I've thought the same thing for years and sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad Fred Eli Bosnick Eli.

How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I've always been pretending we lived in the same house. No, so it really there's not going to huge change for me. All right. So also joining us tonight is a returning guest massacast improv comedian fan favorite and glutton for punishment. Rebecca, vigil. Rebecca, welcome back. Thanks for having me. This was a nightmare too. Oh, I hate you all. I love that we did this when I asked Eli. It's like, well, why did you ask for Rebecca for this one? She's like, well, you know, she Thank you. I love that we did this when I asked Eli is like, well, why did you ask for backup for this one?

She's like, well, you know, she does music. I'm like, that's not going to make it better. I made it far worse. Yeah. I found out about this movie years ago. And the moment I saw the trailer, I was like, Rebecca, this one is yours. Oh, that's the meanest thing you've ever said. Yeah.

No shit. All right. So clue everybody in tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? All right, we watched Sunday school musical. So you know how high school musical was amazing, but it didn't really discuss how responsible Christians should all be taking up the white man's burden. Well, they fixed that in this movie. So get excited. I'm not sure

that high school musical doesn't say that by the way, just for the record. All right. So Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved high school musical so much that you put the script in a blender and shatted in between the pages of a Bible. This moving. It's nonsense, but it's Christian nonsense. Yeah, I have to say I'm getting the sense early on that I'm going to

miss. I've never seen high school musical. I feel like I might miss a few references here. So bear with me. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah. I'm going to say best worst violent transition from talking to singing. So like just about every musical has this problem at least a little bit, but this movie

is crazy with it. Like there'll be a mid sentence in a normal talking conversation. And then well, and then they'll have a giant pause for no reason. Right. Count down clock on the wall. And then, I come a different universe where sound has 19 dimensions.

And like they just come and sing. So crazy. It's just like, yeah, so I was just thinking for three, two, one, cold man river. I will tag onto that sound fury. The best work sound dubbing I've ever seen in my life. Like, I, they're not a single musical number where their lips moving with the audio. No, it's Godzilla movie level. Yeah. I had a lot of kung fu theater references in my notes.

And then on top of that, like the volume is just wildly different from one character to the next. Oh my God. The clapping. Yeah. Right. The clapping will suddenly definitely you. Oh, this was a hard one to watch. Like I do audio for a living, folks. This was a really I was I was longing for cultures of horror. All right. So I had, because I also

write for a living now and again, I had best worst failing to knock down their own goddamn dominoes. He he. There were so, so many dominoes in this movie that they just carefully set up or at least as carefully as they could, which is clumsy as ever. Luck and fuck and then failed to knock down, you know, shy Margaret, who's eventually going to come out of her shell, not in this fucking movie. She isn't over and over again. There's this moment where you're like, oh, okay.

So obviously this is the setup for nope. This is just the setup for that scene being over. Wow. No, but she does come out of her shell just in a completely different movie and then comes back to our movie. She does a little bit of porn in there. It's pretty sweet. It's pretty fantastic.

To add to that, I'm just going to go with, and I know what I'm saying here, because we've watched 152 of these bad boys. Best worst writing. This movie is nonsensical. There is no scene in this movie that you don't finish and then pause the movie and go, wait, what? Every, like every moment of it is like someone heard about movies from an alien that was busy, right? What? Every, like every moment of it is like someone who heard about movies from an alien that was busy, right? It's like, no, you know, they have a fucking class together and then friendship results. M-Nity turns to friendship.

I really have to go. All right, well, obviously we have a song in our hearts and a beat in our feet. So we're gonna keep the break brief and when we come back We'll dive into all the action that is Sunday school musical Hey Eli, what are you doing? What's with the car? Oh my god, I love it. Oh, hey, Noah, you like it. His name is night beast. Yeah.

You named your new car night beast. Yeah. Eli, can you afford this? Not really, but I've been, haven't really been feeling my best lately. You know, skin stuff, hair stuff, the usual. So figure out by a sweet ride to make up for it. It's orange. Love it. Boy isn't it? Eli, you don't need to buy a sweet ride to feel your best. Why not try four hymns.com? What's four hymns.com? Four hymns.com is a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men. Hems connects you with real doctors and medical grade solutions. The roof comes down. Noah, Noah, Noah, Noah, the roof comes down.

I see that. Noah. Noah, that does sound great, but I'm a little short on cash right now. I may have just made a major purchase if you know what I mean. So. Well, right now our listeners get a trial month of hymns for just $5. Just $5? Yep. Today right now, we'll supply as less, see website for full details. This would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or a pharmacy. There's speakers on the speakers go to speaker hymns.com slash gam. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash Gam. For him's dot com slash Gam, huh? I guess that would be one way to look and feel my best. Do we still get to keep the night beast?

I mean, I paid for it in cash. Yeah, night beast. Love night beast. Night beast? S- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh wow! That is real short. Yeah, yeah, that's that's short. I have this old Kidsbop CD so and what do you want to do with that? We could like Put it in the movie. You want to put your kids' Bob CD in the movie? Yes.

Yes. I mean, we do need the time. Okay. This one time we'll put your kids' Bob CD. Yes! You always say no. Ah. Ha, ha, ha.

And we're back for the breakdown. And Lucky Us, this movie will not make us wait for the shitty music. We're going to open up on our hero, Zach, as he sings and dances his way to choir practice. And I have to say Rebecca, you have summed up this whole movie for me here in your first. Yes, it is the laziest linman, well, impression. I've heard of my life. I just wrote, oh my God, the cast of Bible man all went to see in the high. I mean, I'm trying to like it at the beginning.

You know, I'm like, okay, musical, at least there will be music. Apparently the rhyme scheme in this song is like ABC, D E F G H I J K L, I'm an O B. There's no like occasionally it'll be and what I see and I'll be and then something else, but nothing ever comes back to rhyme. And apparently somebody told this actor recently that he's a really good parkour walking freestyle hip hop dancer. All the white actors in this movie. It looks like he starts to do it and the director is going like stop. Oh, absolutely.

Every time he tried to do something difficult, they had to cut because he clearly hurt himself like right after the soak. It was like me and Eli in Tokyo, except you can't cut in reality. So we both hurt ourselves a lot and everybody's a lot. We did. It's true. We shouldn't have tried to start a dance trip. That was a mess. Well, okay. I mean, I'm still in touch with those guys. Let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater. Because what I love about this is that this is supposed to be the montage at the beginning of the movie where he's like, amazing at dance and amazing at rap.

And we're supposed to be like, oh, okay, here's our protagonist. But instead he's just super out of breath and kind of walking to church. You got to see me jump that fence. I mean, a jump. I stepped over it, but I caught my heel on the end there. And I got and I skid and my job. There was a spin. It wasn't an intentional. This whole movie would have been worth it if there was like a Jackie Chan style outtakes at the end. You got sort of David A.R. White. He's my sense. They call me, they call me David A.R. White. I was just studying with him. I took his eye here last. He's my friend.

He's my friend. They call me, they call me David A.D.R. White sometimes. All right. So now we show up at what is, I guess, church choir competition. Now, yeah. And like, and there it is. It's like that moment on a first date, you know, you like early in the, you're both like Cabernet, you're both like scrubs. And she quoted Atlas shrugged. So here it is.

Great. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Okay. So here's how this choir competition works. Apparently there are three teams competing. The top two go to state. We're supposed to believe that these characters have been trying their whole lives for this, but it's basically just, yeah, by default, right? Yeah. We should also point out the audience here is seven people. Yeah. Like the first shot we get of the crowd, I counted all of them because I can recognize

the word both. But this is where we get their first performance as a choir. And these are the, now, which, which choir is this? I couldn't keep the beat. This was the Hawthorne. Yeah. This is Hawthorne. And their first performance consists of putting fuck riffs on this little light of mine. And that's the good, that supposed to be the good choir. We only know that because when the bad choir comes up, they like, you know, one guy sprains his teeth or something, right? Like that's how far they have to go to make these guys look like a great choir.

Oh, and let's do. And the sound is already off. Oh, already there. Oh, like, okay, so they do the whole musical number. And then the lady comes in to say, oh, thanks to the author's wire, but she's like talking to you through a 47 foot pipe. Yes. She's literally not mic'd and they kept it. But obviously just someone forgot to turn on this one's mic. And they were like, no, we're going to, we're going to keep it. And the third choir, the reason that they both make it to states, the bad one and the good one, is that the third choir

doesn't show up. And there's this insane scene where she's like, well, we're going to wait a couple of minutes. And someone at the back makes a slit your throat motion and points to Bingo. And she's like, never mind the two that are here. That's right. Yeah. And it was because of food poisoning. We find out the 13 and the eight eggs out. They tell us it's egg salad. Like I thought they were going to scribe the shitting that they were doing. That's enough. You can just say they're not here.

That's fine. I love to. If you can decipher what this woman saying without her microphone, she basically says, no, I'm sorry. She literally says, I don't think I would need to remind you the stakes here, but the stakes are X, right? Like the only way to write that into the movie would just like be a still shot of the synopsis. And I mean, I just want to be clear, because we see the two choirs performing. It's obvious that the crossroads choir is bad and the Hawthorne choir is good and he's, is it a race thing?

I'm sorry. This movie is so damn racist. I can't even handle it. We, we will get to it. It against white people. So it's elite white people and black people and Asian people and Hispanic people and gay people. Like what's amazing to me is how unaware they are that they're setting up like the black guys to be the bad guys to the white guys, right? Like they're completely unaware that they're doing that through the whole movie. Yes. And when they have to introduce a worse choir later and even better guy choir. They're just blacker

and all black. They're all. They're just it's it's Darth Vader in black face. And at the end when the black people are tired of being bossed around by the white choir leader, she's like, you should be grateful. It's crazy. Yeah, we'll get to it. But a white girl screaming you should be grateful in a black girl's face Yeah, is the day new mall Just as Jesus I was gonna say this movie is color coded just like the Bible. Yeah No, it is boring just that's actually Yeah, that's probably the closest

they ever got to being truly a Christian movie is the lack of miscegenation. All right. So yeah, we see both teams as a good choir and a bad choir. What is what is the second choir cross town or something crossroads crossroads? Yeah. Okay. So crossroads is the bad one. Hawthorne is the good one. They're both going to state them. And after crossroads sings, nobody claps. It's a big. It's a big. What is the justification for that in the scene? Yes. So mean. But they're going to state anyway, even though they're no good. Ethically diverse team is mad that the white people are going just white being bad. And then this is where we get the amazing freestyle again, air quotes implied here freestyle

scene between our main character, Zach and his lady friend, Andrea. And I just have to write in here like, wow, that freestyle stuff is much easier when it's scripted. Isn't it? Yeah. It's impossibly way too good to be improvised. Like he's rhyming in perfect, Iambic pentameter off the top of his head. Like the lollipop guilds dancing in perfect time. Also, the beat boxer, the beat boxer

is only hissing. No, whatsoever. Honestly, like I wouldn't be surprised if they just, that was how he was might. Like, there was other shit, but that's the only stuff there dumbass microphone to pick up. I think in this particular scene, I'm introduced to how old white writers think urban teens walk around, challenges each other to pre-styles. And then I looked up the writer and the director for this and it's two white women. It's election all over again. Stop ruining things. As a white woman. If you couldn't tell them, I find no matter how I pronounce her last name, I want to be a V heel.

All right. And we also have to work out that not only is he jumping in with perfect, I am big pentameter on whatever word she gives him to rhyme, but he also works in his backstory. Yes. He wraps in perfect exposition. And I wondered, I wondered if this is just what happens every time he freestyles. Okay, okay, I've got one toothbrush. All right, all right, that's a good one. Go, go, go, go.

Oh, it's a toothbrush. I miss my dad so much. I'm going to go, I'm going to go. It rip, rip. Oh, it's a toothbrush. I miss my dad so much. I wish he'd talk to me, but he's always in a rush. Okay. Okay, cool. How about street light? Yeah, yeah, okay, cool. I'll do another one.

I'll do another one. Street light makes me want to fight. If only my father would hold me, I know I feel right. Okay, got it. Dad. Okay. You know what? How about you wrap them up like not your dad just like meaning but not your dad. Just not my dad. Yeah. Just not your dad. Don't mention dad or that's my challenge. All right. Yeah. All right. Not my dad. It makes me feel bad because it makes me think about the father. We have to stop we have to stop this Yeah, I mean from what we see pretty much that's it

All right, so now it's time for us to have dinner with Zach and his poor family? Oh, it's this is the laziest dinner ever. Like I hope this mom dies of Christian movie mom cancer, like, like, matronoma, Christian matronoma, whatever it's called. They're eating spaghettios and a salad of lettuce and also lettuce. They're just eating ahead of romaine, like a fucking apple each. She did chop the salad by hand. And there's more play settings than there are people there. It's stupid.

Dad, the dad, they set the plate just in case he comes home and put food on it. They can't not hit stereotypes in this scene. For instance, mom is wearing her scrubs because she's a nurse. She lost her job today. So she just carried out the scrubs. And then there's no father, of course. Well, he's in the military. Now, eventually we're going to see him. He's in the army, but it's like they didn't have the rights to arm you or something. He's just say, he's in the military.

This is the one movie that wasn't allowed to thank the military. And I'd like to thank the troops weight. No, apparently my lawyers tell him, no. And also, can we discuss the little brother? Yeah. He's a little Jewish boy. There is, there is no way eight year old Martin short is part of this black family. There, there is no combination of sperm that combined with this black woman to make this little fucking kid. It's impossible. He could make it like, we're going to find out it's a white dad later, but it does still does not make sense. Yeah,

no, that's not, this is not what white plus black equals. No, fucking men do's walking out guys. You got it all wrong. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let's just charge here. Honestly, a bean plant would have been closer to realist. So ridiculous. No, let's why equals tiny old man. Yeah. All right, so mom breaks the news that she's lost her job and that means they're going to have to move away to another town with a totally different choir. Oh, no. So Zach, of course, has to go to his sad roof because he's black. All black people in Christian movies have a sad roof. Well,

named, named black people, the human named black people, sorry, I got to be specific. All human named black people in Christian movies have a roof that they get to go, go moan on. And again, in the production of in the heights that these people who wrote this movie saw, someone did cool wrapping and jumping around on roofs. He was going to dance it out, but it was a quarter of a second long. Yes. It's so good. Yeah, there's supposed to be on like the scary black people roof. But first of all, it's like a beautiful view of the Hollywood Hills. So that's ruined.

But they're like, what do black people have on their roof? Like ductwork, pipes, just, you're just naming roof stuff, man, that's like all roofs. Like graffiti that says urban roof, maybe I don't know. Just this poor is possible. Yeah. But you know that there was a stage directing somewhere in this screenplay, black roof question mark. Different than white roof in red. That designer, I need details. But then he does, he does some more parkour freestyle dancing with, but it's all false starts again. Yeah. Okay. Piped grind.

No, that didn't stupid. Okay. Uh, doing the Charleston. No, that's weird. Okay, come back today. Hey, Mark. Oh, fuck. But we'll keep, keep this in the movie though. No, that's weird. Okay, come back today. Mark. Oh, fuck. We'll keep keep this in the movie though. Good. Yeah. They sure because they keep every fucking thing, even when they forgot to turn on some of the sound equipment.

All right. So now Andrea shows up, right? And they have immediate conflict, right? Like she's like, what's the matter? She's like, I'm moving away. She's like, well, fuck you. We're in conflict now in a movie. This has two speeds this movie. It's like normal and then, well, whatever, like, yes, yes. Yes. Okay. So now it's time that this musical is finally going to remember that it's a musical.

And these two are going to sing to each other. But first they have to do their like weird introduction to singing things. Yeah. Oh, how many lines in normal talking before we can start singing? It doesn't matter how many lines. Okay, well hold on, I was thinking like three each. Okay, okay, okay. And all right, now go, you start singing. thinking like three each. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. Now go. You start saying. And also, okay. First of all, all the goddamn rhymes in this song are A E or O literally every single thing that rhymes is rhymes with A E or O. And secondly, they're the lyrics are exactly on the nose. Oh, they're not even trying to rhyme or be lyrical. It's like me and Eli

arguing about pizza as a song with unrelated duet parts from like two different other songs. Just yelling at each. It's the best. All composed on Garage Band. I love, by the way, we're going to get back to him, but I love the guitarist in the back of here too. Oh my God. It's my favorite part. He was really going for it. He wanted everyone to know that he rocks to God damn much for this movie. Yes. He will remind us repeatedly.

Okay. So they sing. She storms off there in conflict now. And now it's time to go to Zachary's new school complete with 53 establishing shots. Oh my god, this was insane. It was like it was like drone footage in a college introduction video. Here at Bozomor high and Bozomor, Massachusetts, you'll find we do things a bit differently.

Hi, I'm Declan Johnson and I love basketball. Yeah, it's great. He laughs. College introduction videos. If we had all laughed, it wouldn't have felt racist. It felt like I was making a racial comment. I feel like you should sing it. You make sure you probably sing it. Hey, I'm Dick Kwong. There it is. There they have normal names too. I'll take that.

I'll take all a little bit. We have lots of black listener. Yeah. I'll show you my idea and prove it. Yeah. What happened in the movie? Reveal what happened in the movie? I'm not helping you. Yeah, no, it's okay.

I need a clean in anyway. So 30 years later, after all these establishing such, he walks into the fucking school and wouldn't you know it? Love interest that's in the other choir goes to this school, right? The one that I is with in the first scene. Yeah. Kate from Lost had a virginity double. That's just. She looks like an orthodontia ad went too far and ended up being a full movie. All right. So he walks into this his first class and the guy goes, the teacher goes, it's time to assign partners. You, you're with your love interest and, uh, no one else matters in this movie.

He goes, he walks in and goes, we're assigning new pairs today. Yeah. Pairs. I am your teacher. You mean lab partners? Yes. That's here at the human school. Where everyone is a human. But it turns out this is cooking class.

Yes. Yeah, it's home. And this is the first instance of this movie of me being like, oh, maybe this is a school for the not so standardized because because their assignment for the day is to put two eggs and half a cup of starch into a bowl and these two characters struggle. And she is a bitch about it. She is a major bitch about it. Give me that egg. I've got it. God. Like the conflict just comes out of fucking nowhere. They're like, TV let's cook together. And then finally, like out of nowhere, she's just like, fuck you. I can crack this egg.

You say I can't crack an egg because I'm not black. I don't know how to use crack. It's insane. He holds the egg above the bull and waves it over it like the yolk is going to come falling out. Then he calls her boss and she's like, is this because my family own slaves? But then again, I just want to point out like this is what happens in this scene. It's over after this scene. That is it.

If this conflict ends right now, but they almost hate fuck like they're getting so close like don't touch the sugar. I fucking like if they started fucking in a pile of sugar and eggs and large, it would have been less sexual than this scene. Yeah, no, exactly. I was expecting them to go like ghost pottery scene with this or something. And there's a lot of times this movie could have saved itself. All right. So now he goes to his next class. Oh, unchained melody would have been good a lot of moments in this movie. Yeah. Totally. I would kill to listen to this fucking crew, try to sing unchained melody. All right. So now it's time for Zach's next class. And this is the first like, hey, remember, guys, it's a Christian movie because it's Bible study class. It's Bible study class,

but like had these people not read the Bible because their assignment was to read the Tower of Babel, which if you haven't read it is a paragraph of a chapter. That would be like, so did we all make it through in the beginning? No. No, yeah, right. Like Eli's description of it was longer than that part of the Bible. Yes. Yes. Okay. So there's a character here that we've got to talk about named Miles.

I hate Miles. I hate him with a fire. I just, I almost just like turn the the movie off a little behind the scenes. All of Rebecca's notes are dedicated to her fiery fiery hatred of miles. I don't know who hurt you. I I was fucking look alike apparently because I wish I had time to watch it all over again or like the will or the soul hold up for it to count how many times this motherfucker bulls his glasses. No, I can't stand him. He walks out of the set every fucking day and he's like, I'm going to do the glasses thing again. It's my tech. It's my characters tech. Exactly.

And again, the movie is so unself aware that they make this very clearly gay character. It's the most hateable person in the movie. Yes. I don't think they know he's gay. I can't. No, they don't. Well, gay people have to be unlikable sometimes. It's not realistic if gay people are never unlikable in movies. I'm just saying. That's not what they were doing. They weren't being progressive about it, but that neat, that's just like, it's ridiculous. Guys, Heath's just bitter. He submitted a script for John Wick three. All the villains were

gay people. It was in port taste. It was all sexuality's matter. Eli, all sex, whatever. Oh, you're getting into the theme of this movie quick. All right. So, but now Miles is in this Bible study class and he thinks Zachary is there to spy on their choir, right? Because he's with the bad guy. He's with the other choir they're going to compete with in state. And as stupid as that is, like it almost could be funny if this was a better movie. It's not though. I don't want to leave you with the impression that it's funny.

But all that happens is you like, are you here to spy on us? And Miles is like, no, and he's like, okay. Yeah, I feel like this dialogue would have gone somewhere usually, but good. I guess we are foes. It's okay. I will work my lessons. So okay. Now we got to go back home.

This is Aunt Jen's that we're going to. This is where they had to move when mom lost her job. And this is such a sloppy shitty fucking bit of dialogue. Basically, Aunt Jen comes out and she's like, how do you like your new school zack? He's like, the choir sucks. I was, I had a meet cute in the home act though. And the aunt is a different race. Again, they're making sure that no one in this family is the same race for more than seven seconds. Like there's a

Chinese uncle. If dad had come in and been like, a pig me, I would have been like, all right, there we go. We got them all. Yeah, but mom comes out instead. And she your dad's Torian the military has been extended for another six months. Mom always the bearer of bad tidings in this movie. Oh, yeah. And of course the poor family has a ton of bad news all at once. It has to be like, we're poor.

We're broke. We're, we're dying. You're dying. Yes. This is just bad news, mom. I want this to be like mom's thing. Like, I want to know that this is what mom does. Boys, I've got some bad news, but I don't want you to panic. I lost my job yesterday. Oh, mom, it's going to be okay. And we're going to have to leave our home and move schools. Wait, I mean, that seems sudden, but I guess we'll be okay. Also, your father is not coming home. Jesus, you know, you've been keeping a lot back from us, man. Well, I'm sorry.

Things are hard right now. Okay, okay. Now drink your juice. Okay. I peed in it. Rose, what? Exactly. Yeah, it would have been so much better if she just...

No. What I mean, she would have had some kind of motivation at least.. So okay. So now Zachary goes back to his moping roof. Now keep in mind, they moved 45 minute drive away. He went 45 minute drive now to mope on his moping roof. You do his moping roof. He's sitting there stuck in traffic. He's like, I got, I'm going to be able to move for 10 minutes. I'm going to be able to vote for 10 fucking minutes. I go up onto the roof in the white town. It's made it gold. He's just like, this isn't sad enough. There's no. Is this a beer garden up here? This is bullshit. Nobody likes IPA.

Urban roof. So, all right. But now he's going to do a little song and dance here and a very little song and dance. This song, by the way, ranges for two and a half steps, the tune, the melody of it does. Yeah. And we get another violent transition to singing. This time with no lead up talking, they just like start singing. So that was, I guess, a step up, like maybe keep doing that in the movie. But what I want to see, I want to see violence switch to talking in like a reverse musical, like a reverse, like the character is in a musical, perform

a non-musical, and they're just like quick into talking. I don't know. That'd be fun. It's called Hamilton. He. All right. So meanwhile, now we cut to the lady who's in charge of the Hawthorne church, right? She's on the phone talking about money troubles so you can knock that off of your bingo if you haven't already for the family. So you know she's black. Yes. Yes. Again, I will point out there is not a single black character in this movie, whoever says,

yep, I can afford that. Yeah, no, no, you're absolutely right. And by the way, we learned here that she needs $10,000 to keep the church open. So like, she's planning on the kids winning them, and then she's just going to keep the money, the kids win for the church. The stakes of this movie are that a church ate the free money receiving organization that pays no taxes and does not buy their building is struggling for funds. What what does this church do? Do they gamble the collection place? I'm a podcaster and I'm questioning this woman's financial choices. No, it's just like Richard Dawkins with a bulldozer outside of the church waiting for

his check. He doesn't know if they're dirty if they're done. And this is of course where we get her, was this where we get the first cross necklace of the film? Yes, yes. And it could not be bigger. It's almost the entire size of her whole sternum. It's more a suit of armor than it is. Right. No, there is a little person crucified on it. Just Lucinda.

Give me a give me a fair. Yep. All right. So now we're going to cut the love interest house. Her name is Savannah. And I've got to be honest, I have never seen this shot outside of a porn. Like the shot of her like on the, we open up and she's on the bed kicking her feet up, doing her homework. And I'm just like, oh, wow, I open the wrong window. What? Wrong tap.

$5 a minute. That's going to be expensive to call her. That's not a good idea. But no, this is the scene where we're going to meet her dad when he comes into helper study. And oh my God, he is just an exposition machine. He's like, oh, you're so busy. You're in school and your mom is dead. He just, he just likes your mom, I literally wrote my notes, hey, if you're ever overwhelmed, do what your mother used to do, die. Oh my God. Yeah, he just comes in and he's like, dead mom, dead mom, dead mom, dead mom, also in act three, remember this bubble gum thing.

We'll need it. What the fuck was the bubble like? So apparently mom before she killed herself, we don't know. We don't know. We're going to say killed herself. So before mom killed herself, she'd blow a bubble with her gum when she got overwhelmed and she'd say a prayer and then all her problems would be solved except for the final time it didn't work. But that was her.

Obviously wasn't a good method because she killed herself. She was fresh out of gum that day though. See, that's the important thing. But that's, that's the advice to Savannah from dad because she's juggling all this stuff in school, like whenever she has problem, do the bubble gum thing. And I really wanted to see that in action later, like some Anna's pregnant just blowing bubbles and just buries. Oh, yeah.

Are they now Sunday school? Yeah. No, the white privilege in this movie is such that this movie actually postulates there are no problems in your life that you can't solve by blowing a goddamn bubble with your gum. Yep. Yeah. White ladies wrote this, huh? Yeah.

One of them is a goldberg. All right. And now dad teaches this 19 year old what namanics are. But in a way so crazy, I forgot how namanics works. He was like, so you take the first letter and then you multiply that by two and divide it by two and add all the letters together. And I was like, wait, first of all, how old is this child supposed to be that this is

our first namanic second of all? What did he just say? And the words that they use to mark this demonic are so lame. Like they have nothing. It's like from a 1950s book, like my marbles in my castle. I know, I know. They're not marbles since 1990. I went to the Habard Dasha range. Exactly.

Just remember Mercury Venus Earth Mars, Jupiter Saturn, Uranus, like just said, those are such so much easier than whatever you're doing right now. So I would have point out too that if you're thinking to yourself, God, what a lazy way for them to set up her needing this mnemonic later. No, this domino will stay up through the whole fucking film. There's never any reason why she learned this except that like in the next scene when Zach and her run into each other literally, he hears her mnemonic. So it's like if you set up a single domino and then knocked it down and said that you had set up and knocked down domino. Yeah, they don't

need to hit each other. You just do it right away. Right. Right. And wasn't it to memorize it was for the stages of mitosis? Yeah. Like how would you even knock that down? Later, she's doing mitosis. Like, what the fuck?

How would that help? Is it a metaphor for the two choir? Oh. Oh. Rebecca's way ahead of the story. Yeah. She's been against waking this movie about splitting the races. Yeah. So where there's two white ladies going that was what we did in my physics. Be seated with mitosis. Also, I just have to point out tiny moment. So my wife wanders around as I watch these movies. And she heard someone say I played my accordion the day and she came running in the room.

She was like, is there an accordion? And then she got super disappointed and walked out and didn't come back in again. All right. So now we got a quick scene where they're playing or where they're in home act class again, making fortune cookies. This is going to come back guys. Remember the fortune cookies. Well, it not not not. What does movie like? They'll say the word fortune cookie.

Cooking cookie. Like, fortune cookie. Ty got loose. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I mean, and this scene exists so that they can introduce the concept of force and cookies and then like within three seconds, the dialogues like. So how about

the choir thing you want to sing in our choir? No. And well, and that's the thing. Okay, there's no goddamn reason in this film. Why Zach, the singer character wouldn't just join the choir from this other school when he moved to the other school. But in order to keep something happening for the first, like two thirds of this movie, he has to keep saying no, and giving no reason. Yeah. And if there is literally just a timer on his decision, nothing happens, nothing changes. He just like the, it's like the third time he gets asked, he has to say, yes, yeah,

exactly. I am a cop. Damn. Here's my dick. And I shouldn't do that when we have guests. It's a running joke. Rebecca, my dick's not. I know. He's making shit up. I know your dick is a running joke. All right, moving on now. All right. So now we're back to Bible study because that's the other class he has. He always do. And we have miles doing the exact same thing he did in the first scene, but they have him

do it again so that we'll really get it that he's a suck up. You see a suck up. It just seems like gay miles, which is he got an oral presentation from Zach. Well, yeah, they haven't come out and he's like, he's doing his presentation on the last supper in an accent. No, telling what he was going for there. It was like me doing an accent. Yes.

And it was my biggest laugh of the whole movie was when the teacher cuts miles off in his presentation after he's been speaking for 30 seconds. Maybe he's like, up files as usual, you've gone above and beyond. Like, you just don't want where he's supposed to be. Well, and again, that's why this next moment is so weird

because Zach, the main character, didn't make his poster. Was his assignment? Like you had to make a poster and you didn't do that. You have two classes and the four. Yeah, right. But see, he didn't do his presentation. So he's in trouble.

So he gets sentenced to clean the choir room during choir. And Miles, another student is allowed to suggest a punishment. He would have guy is allowed to suggest the punishment of a fellow student of color. That was labor. That was awkward. Yeah. Gay Jared from some ways like attention. Can you make him the only African American person in this school do unpaid. Okay, for the choir. It'll be like a slut helper. Helper.

All right, so we report to the choir room. He cleans well, they bad sing. Oh, so bad. Oh, one of them has a severe list. You hear it? Yes, you can only see it when she's singing because I don't think she was actually a singer. I think she was there to be one of the dancers. Oh my God, that's so like this movie, isn't it? Yes, you have to go back and see it. Her list is severe lateral. You

cannot. You cannot make me see the tongue watch this is perfect for the word. Jesus. It's pretty fantastic. Also, the task he has is cleaning the board and like the scene itself realizes that that doesn't take up enough time. Yeah, he wipes the board and he's like, okay, I'm done now. And they're like, oh, I feel like there's exposition though, where you help us and make us better. And then he's just like, no, no, bye. Nope, one more scene. Okay. Maybe you also pick up some desk.

Oh, stupid. I have a lantern. Do you want to lantern? Act two. This is also where we meet Margaret, who we will eventually learn as just supposed to be shy, but there's no reason for us to not think she's mentally ill or something, right? Right. Right. And like blind and deaf.

I think she's just just disabilities. Yes. Yeah. Again, Margaret is supposed to be wacky, but she just does deeply troubling things. Like at one point, they were just like, she doesn't warm up or she doesn't talk or she's like cutting open a squirrel and eating the inside. And then at one point they're panning the whole choir with their choir books in hand and Mark Ritz is like an entirely different book.

It is 50,000 pages long. And then we get this bizarre useless like we haven't spent enough alone time with Zachary and the toilet yet, right? Yeah. He's dressed like an army themed stripper. And he, yeah, he takes a bathroom break to check if the rhythm is still inside of him and it is like and he's, he will not dance unless parkour is involved. So he's jumping around a boys room in a school just like doing like a pummel horse routine

on the frame of the stall. It's gross. And he doesn't watch his hands. Okay. Well, but not right because it's not impressive. He just hangs there for a second like he's about to do something. There's a, I hurt myself last time I tried. Yeah. All right. So, okay. Now we go back to his old choir where Andrea and this Hispanic character we haven't met are talking about like, man, if Zach was here, our songs would be even song here. Or whatever. All of us have some version of, oh man, if Zach were here, the music would be so much more music if Zach were here. Zach's dick would make the music work. It's the come together.

But I'd have to weirdly aggressive couples fight about that. And I want to point out to you that whenever they, like, there is a kid playing the drums, but whenever they start singing, nine other instruments and then's a bass guitar, there's a zither. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a vaudevilleian dude walking in with horns and drums every which we're going like where you guys need me in the corner off camera. Okay.

All right. Yeah. But okay. So we cut from them not being as good without Zach to the other choir. Remember the one he didn't join. Now he's going to join them, right? Like he left in the last scene where they can try to reason for him to be there and didn't join the choir. But then they bring him back and he's just like, yeah, no, I'm going to join the choir this time though.

Because I'm the mystical Negro, I come and save everyone. I mean, I'm here to save the white people. I'm not there equal. I'm just here to save. Yeah. I'm like a very useful step stool. You guys want to jump on any more chalkboards to wipe? There's also this very weird moment.

And look, I have no problem making a joke occasionally about the young women who grace the scenes of our movies. There is a scene where like he agrees to be in the choir and Savannah turns and the camera is just focused on her ass. Yeah. The very center of the frame is this child's ass. And I was just like, hey, Dave, the cameraman, you want to, you want to move the shot? You're gross.

Away from this child's touch. Oh, and also I love this moment where this is maybe the stupidest line in the whole movie, because they're like, Zach, how can we be better at music? And he says, and I quote, music isn't something you learn. It's something you feel. Oh, also you got to black it up. You guys really, that's a career for, you got to black it up. And he's doing like, he's doing like a reverse my fair lady thing with them. He's doing like, like the Rizzane and spizzane. He's like, faking out with fake, he bonnets, like, Darryl, fucks with Michael Scott.

It's pretty funny. Right. And so they all like feel the music and it works, but I wanted so badly in response for his music isn't something you learn for it to feel for that to have been realistically portrayed. Guys, music isn't something you learn it's something you feel all right five six seven eight I'm sorry music is something you learn shit, okay, I'm trying to paste 12, I guess. Okay. Peach.

Okay. Well, pretty good. Yeah. That's how it goes. I was expecting. But no, instead he, everybody sings a song together and now they know how to black it up and make it good. Yeah. Yeah. And somehow their grand piano is now a Fender Rhodes organ. Yeah. And geeky white guys blues traveler on harmonica. It's ridiculous. But we have to talk about the best part of this musical break. And that is what Margaret does during this scene. Oh, yes. Oh my God. Margaret has a sick bird. She just swings, sticks around. She's not

taking that part. Okay. I liked her sick bird. Yeah. She's waving those sticks in the air sexually on top of the piano. Miss little lobotomy is now funky as hell. I got on board with this movie at this point. This was exciting. I actually got up for a second, you know, like sitting at home by myself and I like I felt like I could just start dancing. And that's what then I heard myself. Then I tripped and fell and hit my head and I live alone. There was a car two days later. And then like so earlier, we hear the other, the crossroads and Andrea has an amazing voice. The girl who plays Andrea. And she does a ton of riffs that are amazing. And then when we go to the, the other, what is it? Hawthorne or I don't know which ones would cross whatever.

Black. Yeah, there you go. The white word that, that, you know, lead on Janu girl, has this riff that sounds like she fell downstairs. Onto bag. Yeah. It's like the end of a toddler's tantrum. It was like me climaxing. It was a lot like that. Yeah.

I wanted Christina Aguilar to climb out of the piano and be like, you're overdoing. Can I give you that? Yeah. All right. So, but now everybody wants him to join their choir except for miles because he's a dick. Right. Yeah. And fucking miles.

So I can hate that guy so much. All right. So now we cut back to old choir where Andrea isn't as good a leader as Zach was and Zach comes in just as they're finishing up so they can all hate each other some more for no fucking reason. And how is he commuting 45 minutes? I know. No, I can't.

He's being a choir. Yeah. He seems to be able to make it to all the rehearsals just to tell them. You can't make it to rehearsal. Still at the school. Yeah. And again, the entire purpose of this scene is just wait, you joined the other choir. Maybe that's the conflict of the movie. Yeah. And again, the entire purpose of this scene is just, wait, you joined the other choir? Maybe that's the conflict of the movie.

No, no, it's not. I thought she was about to like, brass knuckle him, like, blood in, blood out, mother fucker, and get this shit out of him. Except now, I don't know if you guys feel the same way, but did you feel like the relationship between Miles and Savannah wasn't fully explored enough? I was just starting to feel that way, but lucky for us. So we have this scene where they're, what the fuck were they were scrapbooking? Yeah. If they're scrapbooking, yeah. What?

Okay. And Miles is pissed about Zach joining the choir. So they have to have an angry, sing off shit talk thing between the two of them. Yes. And the guitar comes in with a blaze of glory. It is, it is so distracting. I expected the guy playing it to walk on camera in front of the two teenage actors and just like, it's just staring directly into camera the whole time. Yeah, you like that. He's melting. You like that into the camera. Yeah, but my, my, my, is like,

he just has gone from normal to angry. Yeah. Just bearing into angry. It's like all of his sexual confusion is making him nuts. And she goes right along with him. So apparently she's wanting that gay dick or something. I don't know. And the sad fucking thing is here. Okay, the two of them have to do a dance thing here as well. But they have all the rhythm of heath. So like the toughest thing they ever have them do is spin around. It's amazing. On the tables of people trying to work. I am not a good spin around her. That's true. All right. So yeah, they have their little back and forth song, which again is the lyrics are goddamn pathetic. They were obviously not written with this movie in mind. And then

they shoehorned this in because somebody had a tune. You know, they promised to let him play the guitar in it. If, if they could use it. And if any of the listeners are going to watch this movie, there's a special secret surprise in it in this scene where there's a random brown. Did you guys see this brown paper bag? Yes. Stangling from the roof. Okay. I did not see this until you pointed it out in your notes, but you're absolutely right. It's a bag of shit. Yes. That right. It's like a bag of shit. The crew is like, there is literally just a giant bag of shit hanging over their head. It's throughout this musical number. Sweaty brown paper bag. Oh my God, which means there's an outtake where they tried to do the flash dance thing, but it wasn't glitter.

Oh, the outtake. So this has got to be so fucking good. All right. So now we cut back to Bible class, where we're going to introduce a whole new conflict to the film for eight and a half minutes. And again, like this movie keeps establishing conflicts and I'm like, okay, that's kind of lame, but I guess it can be what the movie's about and it's like, and, and now if he doesn't get a B in Bible class, he's out of the choir he agreed to do minutes ago. Yeah. And look, Jesus. Zachary, as your teacher. I like black people.

Again, the only black character in this white school. And they're like, I don't know, he's just not very good. I guess you could say he's kind of lazy. If there was a curve of some sort, he'd be more. George. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And of course, it's like, she's like, you know, well, you know, you have to take this seriously. This stuff you learn in Bible study class will matter at some point later in your life. Well, just because I'm the teacher is why. So yeah, so she threatens him there. And it's just like the, and the movie's like, oh, if only there was a preacher's daughter to help him learn the Bible quick. Hey, wait, here's one now. Yeah.

And again, this is how sloppy the writing in this movie is. She literally walks by and sees the teacher go, if you don't get a B, you're out of choir. And then he walks out of the room and she goes, so how's it going? You're going to get kicked out of choir if you don't get a fear. Like as though the protagonist of Memento was the audience of this movie, like, okay, I got that guy watching this movie and was always on board. He was like, this is a great movie. This time. Wait, what is it about? Don't worry, they told me again.

They said new conflict, new conflict. Good. All right. So now we cut to Savannah at home so we can explore her relationship with dad a little bit more. Oh my god, it is fucking stupid scene. Okay. Be honest.

When she goes dad, dad, and then turns around with the sweater in her hand, you all thought she was going to be like, have you been masturbating into my clothes again, right? I mean, we've all had this fight. What? I have. Okay. Well, we're gonna.

I took Rebecca's jacket when she came over and we're gonna have a big hour. Sorry, I said I apologize. All right, well you guys have captured all the emotional range of this scene. I feel like we can move on because literally she goes get out of my room and he's like, look, your mom is dead, okay? Dead, dead mom. You shrunk my sweater. Well, God had a plan. You needed to take your mother so I could learn how to do the laundry. Yeah. Yeah. Why do they bring that up?

Like, hey, so we forgot the Christianity message. Let's bring up the mom cancer suicide thing. God's pretty cool. How about the problem solution of evil? I know your mom. I know your mom hung herself with a tiny sweater. How much do you have on your plate? I feel like one dead mom would fill it right out. I feel like isn't that how much God gives you? I feel like you're missing about a dead mom. would fill it right out. Isn't that how much God gives you? I feel like you're missing about a dead mom. All right. Well, then okay. Now, Zach happens upon pure tutoring Tuesday

because this, that's how, look, they could have just had her say to Zach, hey, you want me to tutor you Bible stuff? And he could have said, yes, but they're too fucking stupid for that. So he happens to walk by Savannah tutoring people with no one to tutor. Yeah. It might as well be a chair with a sign on it that says tutoring question mark. And then he looks up in Savannah sitting there. Yeah. So okay, so then they talk Bible a little bit and some post-hog. Now it's a Christian movie discussions of some sort, right? Right. And where they go with the Bible versus the most sanitized, anodine, it's kind of like, know thyself, but more

for both. You know, that's it. That's the whole biblical message of the film. There's this amazing moment where she's like, no, here, try and figure it out. And he turns to her and he's like, wait, is the Bible confusing sort of deep it. He bullshit. And she's like, she's she means reflections. Stop, stop, we're going to sing a song in a second. So just make it through this. And also there's this ridiculously stupid moment where like he's trying to like one operand who has the tougher life. You know, he's like, what's the worst thing that could possibly happen to you? And she's like, dead mom.

And he's like, shit, that's good. Wow. We did that happen a few months ago. A few months ago. That is recent. Yes, you should still be at home. Yeah, this means does not understand like timing and honestly, it's so ridiculous. I laughed because Sam is going to be like last Thursday.

Oh, wow. Right. I feel like someone should have mentioned like you while I was at the choir of the opening scene. Yeah. Exactly. She died on her way to see. But he goes speaking of dead parents. My dad is alive in a rat.

But lives like dead. He's dead to me. Stupid. All right. So now we cut back to the good choir practicing, but dammit, if the lady in charge of the church doesn't have some bad news because she's an adult and she's in this scene and she's black. And again, this movie is so lazily written. She's like, Hey, everybody, you're doing a great job. If I, this church relies on you. This will all come crashing down and there is nothing we can do. You hear me?

No. Unless we need $9,999 by the end of the month that we're done and they're like, what if we win? Stay it's 10 grand. It's 10. That's just enough. We've noticed that when people deliver bad news, they're immediately defensive. Like they're like, by the way, your mother's dead. What?

Get off my back about it. I said, yeah, that's daughter. I also love this because it so perfectly encapsulates Christianity and nine words at one point she turns to one of the kids. You know, she's like, he's like, how can you do this to us? We tried so hard and she's like, this is not about you. It's about the church. He is right or that. You're fucking pillows, Christians.

Right. And again, we have to learn that this group, this church because they're black can afford to go to states. And I wanted her to be like, so if you tried selling your bodies, cue music, book child prostitution number. One, two, three, four dudes at the same time. All right. Well, since this movie just basically stopped and offered up a title card that said act break, I guess we can pause here. But first, let me give it act three. The hard sell. Can the choir save the church? Why would they want to do that? When they use that money on college or something, find out the

answers to these questions and more. We return for the exciting code of Sunday school musical. So, kid, what do you got for me? This Sunday school musical. So kid, what do you got for me this Sunday school musical? It's gonna be big, huge, it's big as the other ones. It sure is, ma'am, I spent months on this script. Okay, kid, give it here. Whoops, oh no, the page is... I love it! May what?

It's fantastic, kid. We're gonna make this movie. But I dropped it, some of the pages are on the floor and they're all out of order and stuff now. Don't change a word kid, it's gonna be huge, you hear me huge! Okay. Ha, origin cookies, classic! And we're back for more of this shit. Classic. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, he was boning up for the big Bible class test.

We've been treating us to central conflict for eight and a half minutes of this film. And now it's time for that to pay off by him being done with it. And it's again, badly written movie. It's the classic like, oh, how'd the Tesco? Maybe bad, maybe bad. No, I went well. He walks down a set of spiral stairs that the people who made this movie didn't realize would take as long as it does.

So instead of the like slow walk, it's like a solid minute and a half of them. And her like starting to make other plans. She's like, you know what, we're going to figure that. And then he's like, no, site, site, she was like, really, it's been 26 minute. Yeah. Sorry. Those were long shares like the 42nd Street A train where you go down. You think it's just going to be one ramp, but it's like seven. Sorry. Where was his parkour at that moment? Right. Right. And again, we should point out that like what we see, like he goes to the far side of

this step. So we're just watching a stairway for a minute, not even him walking down it. That's how bad this fucking movie is. Silence. All right. Well, and by the way, that side plot is now resolved. Check. All right, well, and by the way that side plot is now resolved check down and on knocked the fuck down time to set up another one Now we have the we have to set up and

Immediately knock down the Zach Savannah and Dre a love triangle, maybe yeah So for that Zach is gonna take Savannah to his old moping roof. And we're gonna get one of the greatest scene opening lines in the history of Christian film. So this is where you used to come. And that's the whole goddamn sentence. They like, they have nothing for him to say.

So he's just like, let's talk about the choir now or something. But that just that line exists on its own. The rejected verse of that Madonna song about the playground. Yeah. This used to be my come roof. And then, and then Andrea does a drive byby plotting. She literally walks through the scene without stopping and goes, Hey, just FYI, because you left Hawthorne's shirt, you're shutting down. And for some reason, I blame you.

Yeah. Yeah. And of course, I'm angry. I'm angry because I'm blah. Yes. Yeah. This very confused speech about how she thinks race works like is weird like passive aggressive uncle Tom speech, but she doesn't really get what she's just like holding up paint swatches next to his face like, oh, you're all playing a fan. Oh, that's nice on you. That's good.

Blood trainer blood trainer. All right. So now it's time to go to church where Savannah's dad is preaching about love and community and Baynau. He's like, honestly, it is the preacher equivalent of just going through the hallmark store, right, and reading cards one after the other. His podium has grapes on it, like everything about this movie is insane. So while he's preaching, Zach has an idea, which he writes on a note and passes to 23 and a half people in this church. It could not be more obvious. It's like they're going, hey, hey, here's a note.

Well, and it feels like a staged thing that a magician would know, just passing around and whoever ends up with it is going to be my assistant, right? Find a main character adjacent to you and. Okay, only over five people. Only. All right. So yeah, after 15 minutes of note passing, we finally see what the note says. It's him suggesting that their crappy choir join with Hawthorne and compete together.

And I'm like, I'm writing in my notes like, you didn't need to pass a note. You could have just asked everybody after the sermon. I mean, I'm not super quick to say, wow, that's inconsiderate to the preacher, but in this case, right? Yes. Okay, and so now they're choir sings, and it's good because that good at them in the last scene.

I love to, like they have these crowd shots where the audience is like, wow, they don't suck. I was expecting them to suck. Well, the audience is more like, they have these crowd shots where the audience is like, wow, they don't suck. I was expecting them to Well, the audience is more like they suck less now like there's a guy at the front who's very clearly still like, I mean, it's a church Quiet, what are you gonna do? But they they know love is terrifying me. Yes Also, can we talk about and I think this is the first time we've seen that third dude from the left about, and I think this is the first time we've seen that third dude from the left. Because you know the guy talking about with the Agni and the squashed head, what the fuck happened to that kid?

We're just gonna all sit here and Aglik dev face belongs on the front of the head. Look, they stopped doing pincer births for a reason, okay? And the fact that they put him in this movie is brave, Noah. What's a pinard bird? Yeah. Google it. Oh, right. Right. All right. So now the good choir is hanging out on a bench when the bad choir shows up. Oh, done. In this, done. Weirdly aggressive military formation. Like, yes.

Like, they're about to dance back in a like and started dual at the same time. They slapped with leather gloves. It's so good. I did want a rumble. I really did want a rumble. And then like, it cuts to like three seconds later. All the white people are dead. They're like, Oh, right. Sorry. Bad idea to rumble. Yeah. Well, and look, okay. So this scene is here so that the good choir can say, or the bad choir can come to the good choir and say, hey, you can't make it to states, but what if we all join together, right? Which is obviously a set up so that the one choir can say, you're not good enough to sing

with us. And they can say, we've gotten better. And they can say, prove it and have a sing off of some sort, right? No, I love that idea. I have a counter proposal. What if the black choir says you're not good enough to sing enough, sing with us? And then the white person says,

you're an ungrateful and starts to say the N word and they cut away from that and that's the solution of the scene instead. All right, it's a Christian movie. You guys heard of Rudyard Kipling, We got this idea. But yeah, the the Hawthorne choir is like, yeah, we don't want your charity. And they're like, yes, you do. And they're like, good point. We do. That's good. We do actually want you need white people for upward mobility. They turn to this story. Yeah. All right. So now they're

going to practice together. The two acquires together. Um, seems like you could have found somewhere indoors in California to do this, but no, they're going to do it in the beating sun. And we have to see that it's not all wine and roses here, right? There, there's conflict of some sort between the races. Yeah. And and and the choir directors like, okay, everyone, we're going to begin the beginning and beginning rehearsal means beginning at the beginning. And so here we are beginning to choir rehearsal. So let's begin if you could begin at the beginning. And again, the conflict here, like it's not that they're bad singers. They make up,

again, the writing is so insane because it's like Margaret's not singing at all. Andrea's singing too loud. Miles plays the piano backwards. Like no one has any feel wrong. Miles stop eating that sandwich on the sea key. Like they can't even come up with basic conflicts. Humans might have. No. And okay. But then just as everything's fallen apart, Zack shows up and talks everybody down. It uses his mystical Negro powers to make everyone sing well together. This is how unrelated this movie has become to its music. He turns to Andrew and he goes, do you remember when we sang together the very first time and then just starts singing? Yeah. And it's another song about the exact plot. Just like so on the nose. Just like act three of musical time for some teamwork and they just go into it. And by the way, this song exists entirely

because earlier I said, well, the lip syncing can't get worse than that. And they want to prove me wrong on that one. Holy shit. They're off whole bars. Like it's the wrong person singing now and again. And they're cutting away. They do tons of cuts, but they still show all mistakes in lip synsicking. It's stupid. There are genuinely moments where you are looking at a blank screen, like a screen that is not of the characters and you are still hearing a solid three seconds of that other person singing. I would not be surprised at all to find out that everyone involved in this movie got

David Proust, right? They all got their every single one of them had a nasal voice in real life. First, I don't know. Oh, yeah. And this one might be the most violent transition to the singing voices. The audio for the singing is insanely different. Like they might as well be singing through like the subway announcer with a voice modulator for kidnappers on a ransom call. It's insane. It's the peanuts parents demanding money through the subway announcer. Right. All right. So then we get like I kept thinking we'd seen the most useless scene in the movie. But they kept one up in me. And then I realized that there is no useless in this movie because none of it means any fucking thing. But this

was a heavy contender. This is the scene where Zach and his little brother or the kid that they bought from mother Teresa's charity or whatever, what the hell is his race, Israeli kidder. They're together and Zach's going to teach him out of dance. Yes. Yeah. He's teaching his brother to be in a better movie, like stop the yard. Oh, hit hit, boom hit, hit, boom hit. Yeah, it was, it was one step away by the job that he said. So okay. And then mom comes out and she's like, hey son, are you nervous about the finale of

the movie? And he says, yep. And she says, Hey, son, are you nervous about the finale of the movie? And he says, yep. And she says, okay, well, that's the only purpose this scene serves. I'm, I'm leaving now because the momentum guy was like, ah, states, of course. Thank you. I love this movie. I'm its target audience. This movie is meant for your grandmother to pause every six minutes that she makes deviled

eggs and never to be like, oh, I missed something. All right. And now it's time to cut to state's competition, which for some reason, they did not center on the screen. It's just slightly, it's not off to the right. It's clearly they were going for center didn't get it and we're like Fuck it. That's the middle. Yep. We got it It is like the whole movie was under a very hard deadline and they had to get it out Well, actually it was it was it's interesting you bring that up this movie was released Three days before high school musical three. Oh, that's why they were hoping people would Google musical.

Yeah, they didn't mix the audio. Yeah, they didn't finish the plot. They hope someone would Google school musical. Something school musical. If you don't get it out now, no one will ever Google those words. All right. So, okay, they get to stay his competition and wouldn't you know it. The New England Patriots of Choirs is there. See, Heath, I didn't say the New York Yankees acquires. I said the New England Patriots. Why would you say the New York

Yankees? That wouldn't even make any sense. Like, the Patriots is actually a very fitting description here because they are both the winners every year and a 40 year old giants. Everyone is, they ran out of kids. Everyone here is like 55. Their evil leader is like a fetus. It's very, it's like a crang. He's riding around inside a giant robot. It might as well be Team Iceland from the mighty ducks too, as a choir. Yes.

Cobra Kai Dojo, they just like, one guy walks over and sweeps the leg. We're the bad guys. We're the bad choir. And again, they are all black. Yeah, and Wesley snipes black, right? I mean, I know it's just a choir, and that's fine. You know, they just got some choir that was good at quiring to do this or whatever, but

just have some amount of sensitivity. Throw a white guy in there before you tell us to hate them. Yeah, I guess it. Don't make your villains exclusively the black characters and be like, well, here are the real them. Yeah, I guess it. Don't make your villains exclusively the black characters and be like, well, here are the real villains. Yeah. They're the blackest characters.

Also, you know what? Don't introduce your main villain, 11 minutes before the movie's over. Well, we're given notes. Jesus, also, what the fuck is the thing? Oh, no, the best choir in all of the state is here. It's like a fucking course. Where else would

they be? Why are you surprised? Juiz, like, man, I've been sending them eggs salad all months. I think they thought it was a positive message though with like the all black choir. Like instead of the like in the sports movie, you'd be like, holy shit, it's all big kids with with moustaches. It's like holy shit, They're all black like all. Yeah, that means their music must be amazing. They're like, this is a, they're good. We're saying they're good at it. We're saying the movie. There's a lot of white kid in the

choir and he peels it off. It turns off. It's a mask and he's that like he's like African preacher from God's not dead. He's like that. He's kind of a wow. So now we get to watch the bad guy choir saying, and they're all right, they're organists as fucking killer. Like, I would have listened to that guy go off all fucking dead. Yeah. I want him and the guitarist and their own damn music. Yeah, right. The guys who would not step fucking the music. And so okay, they finished their song, hooray, but then the leader of evil choir goes to tell the judges that Hawthorne and Crosstown or whatever have joined together there to know it was like a scout from the Yankees. They're learning their signs.

Like what? Why does this 55 year old man know that two choirs have combined? It makes no sense. No, especially given what's about to happen in 46 seconds. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly. But before we can get to that, we have to have the moment where it all begins to be too much for Savannah. Oh, I almost forgot about this. Yes, of course. Whatever will she do when it all becomes too much, if only someone in act one had given her some advice. Remember that giant Lucie and with the bubble gum? Yeah. Me neither. But yeah, they brought back the dead mom bubble gum thing. Checkoffs gum. They fire checkoffs gum. There it is. And by the way, she does this with bubble ischus. And I haven't seen bubble

ischus in 13 years. I was like, aww, nostalgic, big fucking square, a gum. That's so gross. She's, yeah, right? Publish. Awesome. Whatever. And then it's so weird when the bubble pops and she's like, ah, that's being funny.

It is awesome. We turned down and we see that her wrist is bleeding at the same time. She's like, it ends like black swan. Um, okay. So that was it. By the way, that was that whole scene. And now they're in the green room. And Zach has made her a fortune cookie.

Remember it's going to come back. So good writing. It comes. Amazing. Hold good writing. It comes. Amazing. Hold, sir. Yeah, I wanted Bryce Blankenagle to come in there. I thought, no, I got fortune cookies out the ass.

Here you go. Here you go. Make this fucking third out of this movie. Not suck. So it, okay. So during the green room, she's eating his fortune cookie. It's not very good. And then the choir judge comes in to tell him

that they've combined illegally and they can't compete. Right. The white man. They've been doping with black people. Wait a minute. Again, this movie treats black people as a performance enhancing drug. So there is no reason to believe that that's not but. But so okay, so he leaves. They're all super disappointed, but shy Margaret has a plan. Margaret is going to fuck the judge. Why that is so realistic to this movie? Because what Margaret does is she starts to pull down her hair. She's in a pony down the whole time. She's like, Oh, I've got a plan. And she starts to like let her hand down.

And I was like, why is she like letting her here at Margaret? Don't do it. And then we see her in a sexy dress with her hair all done. Yeah, she walks up to them like porn, prom chic. Yes. Like, she literally fucked three dudes during the walk down the fall from the green room. She's smoking a cigarette. She's all the cows. It's the best. I will say this is the best I think any movie has ever done of taking the like, you know, cause it'll usually the when they go with the dumpy girl that suddenly becomes hot, she was like, obviously fucking

hot the whole time. This is the best any movie has ever done at make it be go like, oh, wow, she's crazy hot. I didn't notice, but there was no reason for it. Zero zero real. She goes there and she's like, come on, let us do it. And he's like, okay. Yeah, there's no, her fucking plan is apparently we could just tell him our backstory. We're the main characters after all. And the judge is like, okay, okay. You can do your song, but you can't win the prize. Which, what's the point?

Again, all the things that this movie have been removed, which is again, it's so badly written. That is how they are introduced by the next scene. Yes. So this next choir, they're fucking cheaters, but you know, or anything, unless you want to, I guess you want it back. Yes. Clap for them, even though they cheated. So okay, then they go out and look, I mean, there are so many dominoes that a better writer has set up right here. Like shy Margaret comes out and has actually, it turns out a beautiful singing voice when she does her solo. There's a great duet, Andrea and

Savannah have been at each other's throats, but they sing together. What are none of that? Oh, and by the way, if you are not goddamn fucking cheesy, there's goddamn movies at this exact moment, Jack's dad walks in with a war injury. Dun, dun, dun. He's got fucking Osama Bin Laden's head and his left hand. Hey, son, I made it. Yeah, jeez. It's pushed in my forest gump.

Yeah. By the way, just behind the scenes, this scene is where Rebecca realized why Liszt girl was in the movie. Yeah. And I wrote in my notes, oh, I get it. She's a dancer. Yeah. Because I just was obsessed with it.

She was just obsessed with watching her wide tongue slip between her teeth in between every syllable So if you're wondering if Rebecca had a happy ending to this film she did And of course, there's so good that even the bad guy choir that told on him is into this funky beat and the clapping that told on him is into this funky beat. And the clapping. Oh my God. These like they were fucking you for turning your goddamn volume up enough to hear the singing. Yup.

Yup. Every single one of us have a. Oh clapping. No, because I know that heathen know watch this on laptops and I watch on a TV right next to my head. So everyone involved was like, ow, ow, yes. All right. But then the fucking Zach is reunited with the dad, the song ends and then they go to the announce the winner. And wouldn't you know, and it's

the bad guy choir clapping his loud again. But the leader of that choir decides they're going to give the money to the combined choir. I'm like, can, can you just decide that for all of those 17 people? Like, can you, maybe you just say, I'm going to give them my $600 bucks. I don't know what are you guys going to do? Right. You're the reason that they couldn't compete. Did they, did they throw this incredibly long plot twist into the movie because someone who was really in on the church choir scene would be like, a combined choir would never be a last could be.

And you lost to me. But yeah, so they get the $10,000 they hand it right over to the church that like again, for all we know paid out all that money and fucking Hush money to their child sex abuse victims I mean, that's what churches spend a lot of money on that It's to be yeah, they know that's the biggest expense the Catholic church has going but don't worry folks the church is saved for Now though only Couple we'll do a sequel. We'll do a sequel. It's yeah, right. Every few months we need you guys to win us another couple grand.

We'll get the church back into the black and Sunday school musical too. Yeah. All right. Closest I can come to a moral of this story is race mixing is okay now. Did anyone come away with anything better? Is there a better message we can slap on this? Yeah, I mean, that's a good answer. Race mixing is okay, especially if you combine the talent of black people with the money of white people. So the moral was take advantage of the white man's burden. That's that was lovely. If you have a advantage of the white man's burden. That was lovely. If you have a musically talented friend who's already been willing to be on your podcast a couple of times, this is the way to make sure she never comes back.

Also another moral, it doesn't matter if it's finished just as long as you get it out. Yeah, three days before high school, three. All right, well, Rebecca, I'm not sure how we keep talking into this, but thanks so much for hanging out with us today. Is there anything you want to plug while we got you here? Yeah, I have a show in New York called Your Love Our Musical on July 21st at seven o'clock. You could look it up on your lovearmusical.com or on Instagram or whatever stuff

you look at naked pictures on. And it is a real fun time. You should come out. Awesome, awesome. Of course, we'll have that linked in the show notes. And well, that's gonna do it for our review of Sunday School Musical. That's not gonna do it for the episode of Just yet

because we still need to get you all tingly for next week's show. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Baster lists. All right. Let me, let me, let me just read you the description. Get you a little, get you a little ready for this. Kane Madison is an architect working in Los Angeles while his doppelganger like spirit wanders a parallel, not the world. When tragedy strikes, Kane and barks on a journey of faith, which prompts the Ronan to seek out his true master in the spirit world.

Fuckin. I just, okay, they went with the character named cane. It's too goddamn good. It is samurai finds Jesus in hell. The movie. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring up episode 152 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Rebecca vigil for hanging out with us today and an even huge of thanks to all the Patreon donors and help make the show go. If you'd like to cut yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby, you're in early access to an out free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton. We'll be as far as start review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed

this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, descating any of the excitement needed in the skeptic red available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff on movies to gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law, offices of P. Andrew Dwaris, Tim Robertson, takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, Viva Drafts, Sound Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clarkam was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely Bosnick, I'm No Illusions from his door card to earn another chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. John Spicer, top to puppy, every morning that dies before lunch, it's totally cool with it. It's the gum. None of the top five build actors in this film ever rose to the level of headshot on IMDB. We're back, I apologize, because I know I've asked you this before.

Can you pronounce your last name for me? Vigil, like the word. Okay, okay. So it is the way I've pronounced it every other time that you me? Vigil, like the word. Okay. Okay. So it is the way I've pronounced it every other time that you've been on the show, not the weird ass way that Eli suddenly started pronouncing it six days ago just to make you all start to make you just as far. I don't know. I mean, he gave me more ethnicity.

She's very tan this week, guys. I am very tan. So yeah, that's the summer. You're probably a better star. You're probably a better star. I had a bad thing back in the year. I'm glad that you're saying her now. Her riffs have. So yeah, that's the summer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer.

You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer.

You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer.

You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're probably a better singer. You're like a producer. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. Bansage, producer. All right. Ready?

Hey, Heath. Hey, buddy. For what? It's worth, I still hold up my hands to indicate how many seconds we have left. I'm looking for you. I still look for you now. And it's not nothing. It's not. All right.

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