God Awful Movies - 153: GAM153: Masterless

Starting point is 00:00:00 And this actor can't do anything hard without key-opping so you know the first guy noises man yeah that's what I'm doing you doing a dragon punch talk over that little that little jar of pencils jar of pencils on your desk. I feel like you're doing it Relax, do you hurt yourself? I'll be a full poop myself for the record God awful movie movies who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, uh, you know, when it's not racist, you find their prostitutes attractive. That means you liked that race. I just want to announce that just as a general principle before we start. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:16 No, it's good that you start with how racist you're not. That's always a good and that's established. We are not. I, I just want to say I feel much better this week. I've reoriented my desk. So you are technically to my left and now since it is on my left, I feel better now. I feel better. Anyway, I got a bang sway going. Well, he's sort of, yeah. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast. Of course, this is my bad friend Eli Bosnichela. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic. No, despite the fact that we took a vote before the show and I will not be doing a certain accent throughout this episode.

Starting point is 00:01:48 I don't really want to get into it. That was a behind the scenes fight. I'm just going to talk like this. I just want to say I appreciate you guys letting Andrew and Lucinda in on that vote. So, uh, still a coward. So tell us what will we be breaking down today? We watched Masterless. So you know how breakfast at Tiffany's didn't have enough cultural appropriation and wasn't also a kung fu movie, but you know, otherwise it was perfect. Well, they think those very small flaws. This movie is amazing. It's like that Mormon girls red Chinese prom dress came to life and went on a crime spree with Mark Walberg. The greatest. And you lie. How I can't use that word when talking about this film. How was this movie?

Starting point is 00:02:38 Yes. Well, if you love when guys in their mid-30s talk about risk control, but the explanation is never involved enough, Jesus, you will love this movie. This is the guy in your karate class who takes it too seriously, the movie. I mean, you know, usually you're well, if you love bits, aren't literal, but that one is. Yup. Like the inspiration for this film was quite literally.

Starting point is 00:03:09 Some dude said, you remember that time I got laid off? That was like being a kung fu master, huh? Ha, ha, ha. So okay, so here, I feel like we have to explain sort of how this movie works before we dive into it or everybody's gonna be completely fucking lost. So here's what this movie is. This is a mundane boring white person living is mundane boring white life and sort of imagining parallels to a bad Kung Fu movie that sort

Starting point is 00:03:37 of mess up in a very, very vague way with what's happening in his real life. Yeah, this guy obviously set out to make a Kung Fu movie about Jesus, realized it was eight and a half minutes long and was like, should we put in the boring, boring story of my wife dying in my architecture career to fill this movie out? And the Christian movie company who gave him the money to make this, we love it. It's approved. Already filming you. Already filming you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:04:13 That would explain a lot actually. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst superpower. So this movie is about alternate dimensions and time travel and mystical martial arts, but the best power they could come up with was having one of the main characters uses Christian magic to have a a bit lighter permanently installed in his finger. Yep. That's and it's actually even sillier than that.

Starting point is 00:04:47 We'll explain the rest when we get there, but it's even dumber than that. Yes, it was. I was going to go very similar. I was going to go with best worst finishing move. I'm not going to spoil anything here now, but there is a point where the hero takes down one of the main bad guys after which I could have chopped wood with my dick. All right. And I'm going to go with the obvious one if you watch these along with us.

Starting point is 00:05:19 And if you don't, you're going to want to best worst karate fight with your mother-in-law. I mean, also the only karate fight with a mother-in-law we've had, but definitely the best worst. Definitely. If every movie from here on out had one, this would still be the best worst. Oh, no question. You like it would have to be at one point. I was wise.

Starting point is 00:05:42 I texted to Eli. I just texted this movie completes me. And he sends back a matter of fact, text saying you just watched the fight with the mother and law. There was no question. Just an obvious statement of fact that was correct. All right. Well, since we're all liable to be attacked by metaphorical ninjas at any moment, we're

Starting point is 00:06:01 going to try to keep the break brief. And when we come back, we'll chop through all the fat guy daydreams that are Masterless From the makers of masterless Quick by children hide under the floorboards the stormtroopers are coming Comes the story of one man's journey out of darkness. Oh, he did you see this tweet this guy sent me? Yeah, man, just fucking mute him. No.

Starting point is 00:06:27 You can mute whoever you want. No, I'm gonna reply again. Don't, don't do that. And the story, he shared with another. Don't worry, my children. We'll be free from these camps one day. This summer. I'm honestly at the end of my row.

Starting point is 00:06:43 I know, buddy. One vegan option. One. Yep. Tasteless. Hahaha. I say podcast listener. It's me, British live show guy.

Starting point is 00:06:58 He had to remind you that the chips are headed to London for a live gore for movies on October 6th. That was an aeroplane. The game will be giving Christian movies what for, with fun, costumes and chicanaire. Once again, that was chicanaire. But that's not all. Thomas sport early for platinum night, a chance to watch the film the evening before with the chips with dinner, drinks and an exclusive swag bag included. That was the British swag bag full of Chinese, but don't delay, buy your tickets for they are going like crumpets. That was a crumpet.

Starting point is 00:07:39 God awful movies live in London October 6th. Check the show notes or on Facebook page for details and ticket links. Ha, ha! And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start this off with a good sign. This was brought to us by Bridge Stone Entertainment. Oh, we've seen a few. These are the makers of Reggie's prayer, divination, the mask saint, the accidental activists are right to believe. And one that we haven't seen, the American Heritage Series with David Barton. So yeah, so this is pretty, also, of course, brought to us by endurance

Starting point is 00:08:21 productions because Christian production companies always sound like over the counter dick enhancements. As seriously, these are all real endurance, affirm elevating entertainment. Sure would pictures. Yeah, I just wrote my notes here, new movie, new logo, because Christian movie makers make one fucking movie. Yeah, I hope that's not true. I mean, this this director only has one so far, but man, I hope he makes a lot of half-flasted

Starting point is 00:08:51 productions. If he puts up a go fund me, then he will have three supporters and he will be fun. Yeah, no, he's already got all the green screen he needs. Okay. So the movie begins and it begins on this quote, it says, our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities of darkness in the heavenly realms. Yeah. So does heaven have those? It's evil rogue states.

Starting point is 00:09:20 Is there like a nice star in there? What? Yeah, it's where the Mormons go. So, yeah, no, I thought immediately, okay, well, either this is demons or shitty. It will be, it will be both. Okay. So now we're going to get to movie started proper. We're in an architecture firm, but also a kung fu forest in CPM. Yeah, an architect and a samurai are simultaneously both having a shitty day at work. I mean, that's a great premise. Like I'd happily watch two hours of like the willy loam in of samurai's just getting shit on all that.

Starting point is 00:10:00 That would be fun. Fun as fuck. But like maybe just focus mostly on the samurai though as what it's not what they're going to do. No, no spoiler alert. It is going to be a solid 50 50 between architecture for politics and samurai fights. If anything, it's more like 70 30 in favor of architecture. So yeah, so this is a dude. He's walking into a boardroom about to give his big presentation. And the movie would have you believe that that's pretty much like a Ronin wandering through a bamboo forest and coming across like nine ninjas that have

Starting point is 00:10:37 him surrounded. And if you want to know how beautifully bad this movie is, it's all in this first moment when the ninjas all jump up. They all jump out simultaneously, except one guy who is late. And it's awkward and everyone looks at him like, really man? And they keep the mid the ninjas like, sorry, fucking, there was a stream and I tried to, and I caught my, well, sandal thing, I forgot my sword, I didn't notice until I got to the subway, I tried to, and I caught my, well, sandal thing, I forgot my sword. I didn't notice it. I got to the subway. I had to go back. Stupid. Yeah. So he's, he's beating ninjas

Starting point is 00:11:13 in his imagination and in real life, he's killing it with his PowerPoint. So yeah, this is pew, pew the movie. I thought we were going to get like the samurai fight cross cut with like an architect fight of a loser, but I wanted the architect to, you know, just like give somebody a paper cut something. No, you guys not seeing the samurai thing happening? All right. Now I just sliced you with the blueprint field weird. So yes, so the samurai defeats the ninjas just like he crushes the meeting, but there's one person still alive amongst the ninjas, just like there's one person unimpressed in

Starting point is 00:11:56 the boardroom nailed it. Oh, masterful filmmaking. Oh, yes. Well, masterless, but yes. And I have this character by way as beaver teeth, the guy who's going to warn him that he's gone too far this time. He's gone rogue in his architecture. Oh my God. This guy is so white. He's blue. Like this events. It's not great. Yeah. And he wants a cane to know the old man will be angry, right? The amorphous, unnamed, unshown old man that sits atop the company because it's a company. Yeah, and but little thing, he, uh, he tells Kane, that's his name, Kane Madison, who

Starting point is 00:12:39 should be doing porn and suing the president, not being liar. But this, this beaver teeth guys telling Kane that like the big boss pissed off, but they had to ADR pissed off to ticked off. Yep. Yep. Like, like I am teoed about this, you S of a G, like, they did a bunch of ridiculous ADR in this. It's great. They were showing this to the people at Bridgestone and they were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, gosh. Yes. S of a G back it down. I'm gonna cut the apart. Sorry. If the fart jokes, but come on people. Okay. And now it's time for us to meet Emmy. Oh, I thought we'd need a minute with Emmy.

Starting point is 00:13:23 I will need several minutes. I'll announce them every, every so often when I need another one. She is very attractive. She is also the star of the worst Godzilla movie ever, fun little fact. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. What Godzilla was she? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:38 Which one? The bad one. The bad one? Okay. I looked up her, her IMDb and I did not see that no, never mind Not her okay. Yeah, you're thinking of the other Asian woman in the fucking movie aren't you Eli? I may be So be Freeman sorry Thinking about Morgan. No, I'm not thinking about him. We don't ever think about him anymore because he's bad

Starting point is 00:14:02 Got it. We I'm never mind don't ever think about him anymore because he's bad. Got it? We, I'm, never mind. Toop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop,

Starting point is 00:14:12 poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, yeah, Emmy is incredibly impossibly hot and it's, she's, his wife, they have like the terrible Christian movie flirting. Oh, she pretends to be a voicemail and he pretends to be leaving her hilarious.

Starting point is 00:14:35 Yeah, Kane Madison is crushing it. Successful architect in LA. He's got beautiful Asian girlfriend. Here doesn't seem like tragedy is going to strike it anyway. Whatever. It was weird that they ended each phone call with I'm going to live forever. Now that I think about it, I'm going to look at the film. It's weird that they end up on the phone saying that. And of course, just like make sure that before like we're eight minutes in before all the credits have run, we've already beaten this goddamn analogy into the ground.

Starting point is 00:15:09 It's like she says, Hey, you want to get coffee? And then we see him again coffee with his girlfriend and the Ronin in the forest who's just defeated the ninjas dancing with Japanese villagers or something. Yeah. And touching water, the coffee's made of water. No, negative. Oh, again, this actor, this white actor plays both the samurai and the white like architect guy.

Starting point is 00:15:41 Could they not get an Asian actor for this ninja movie? Like you would discard your light christian movies with secret producer what happened here. But yeah, so she okay. So then we get the scene where the two of them are waking up and she's like in the real world him and his wife, Emmy are waking up up. And she's like, Hey, why don't you take the day off with me at the last second? He's like, Oh, I can't. That's not how jobs work. And I love this. She'll do this throughout the movie. She's trying so hard to act a sleep

Starting point is 00:16:21 here. Like her face is visibly straining, like she's sleeping hard, like clenchy sleep. It's really weird. It's like walking in on 11 year olds who are supposed to be asleep at a sleepover. Just like, yeah, you're not. Really? Are your face not right up? You're making the zzz sound? You're making sounds, because you've seen the z's above the cartoons, I can hear you. And she tells them about our dream here, which is okay because they fuck. So it's fine.

Starting point is 00:16:54 She can talk about a dream. She also was telling me about her dream too. Yeah. So I gotta go. Bye. Somebody needs a life-taving blueprint transplant. I can't let you. gotta go buy somebody needs a life saving blueprint transplant. Yeah, of course, the second he leaves, she reaches for her pills, devil pills. She will never be more than 11 inches

Starting point is 00:17:18 from a bottle of pills in this movie. Right. She's going to take a bunch of these big farm dolls. Yeah. Yeah. She's going to be sick. Yeah. So yeah, it's all pretty predictable. All right. So and then of course, we have to like check in with our Ronin Ninja kung fu warrior or whatever. He's chasing that archer from the other day, right? The one that that survived the ninja attack. He's now chasing him through the forest. And in the real world, beaver teeth is showing up to get him from his cubicle. Again, hunting down the parallel in this movie is hunting down the man who tried to murder you and getting a talking to from HR. Yep. And by the way, I just want to point out he's chasing the archer doing like shuffly samurai foot running. Yes. We'll be found a way to do racist running. Yes. Racist running. I was like, that's racist running. I didn't even know that was

Starting point is 00:18:19 a thing. Yeah. So, okay, in the real world, Kane is getting fired, but in the ninja world, he's meeting Afro demon clown pirate drama mask. Okay. Okay. Okay. Can we talk about the Wigs and costumes here real quick. Can we talk about anything else? So Cain's character is wearing an absurd wig when he's the samurai guy. It's like it's so distracting. He looks like like a little kid tried to dress up as Cecil from Cog Dis for fucking how. And it's too big for him. It's so silly.

Starting point is 00:19:02 So that was my first reaction to the Wigs in this movie, but then moments later I wrote down, okay, scratch that. This other wig is way more absurd because then we see what you call him, Kabuki devil clown. I had his geysin fox. Okay. This guy shows up. And yeah, he's got the kabuki mask and the wigs even more. So it's like Tina Turner did the Makato. It's. Yeah, this will be the main villain. We will be expected to take this afro sport and clown pirate as the main villa. We're gonna be asking to ask to take him seriously throughout the entire film.

Starting point is 00:19:49 Did he have braces on the mask? Is that normal? They're not pretty sure there were braces. There were four sets of lines. They weren't, or he has like a middle pair of teeth. He has teeth that hover in between his tail. And he's awesome. And again, I cannot explain how much this is white people trying to do.

Starting point is 00:20:10 Japan with a big question. Right. This is me and Heath wandering through Tokyo being like, yeah, that's from the shooting booton district. You know, he like, did you say the shooting booton district? I don't know, man, there's a bunch of swastikas on here. They say it's. So our our Ronan ninja dude is is sword fighting the main bad guy, but archer dude shoots

Starting point is 00:20:35 him and he stumbles off. That's, that's the parallel of getting fired or laid off. He got laid off. Oh, and this is just Christian Kendo class was like, come on guys, let's make a movie. It is. Oh, it is so slow. And this is one of those moments where they're, again, throughout, they're going to be trying to hit this metaphor of the architect and the samurai. So they're like, okay, what's the samurai version of getting fired? Somebody's like, okay, I feel like this is an easy one. Is it a samurai getting fired? You're fired now. You're going to do a bow and arrow shooting thing.

Starting point is 00:21:14 You're don't be a dick. Well, and I mean, look, it's not impossible to use the parallel of the Ronan to an unemployed person. Obviously, because like a Ronan is an unemployed samurai and they did not get that. They did not get that. No, especially because he starts off as a Ronan, well, the other fucking dude has a job. Right? Anyway, yeah. But to be fair, Patreon goal, if we hit $10,000, we will make an exact parallel where like

Starting point is 00:21:42 a samurai has to go to HR and the HR is like a piece of feedback. And this gives me no pleasure. Shut up, Dave. I know this is a fucking power game for you. I just want to talk it out. I feel like that's going to be at least as culturally sensitive as this film was. So okay, no question. So he gets fired. He goes home to Emmy. He's brought her some flowers, probably an idea when you got shit canned. Hey, honey, I got fired. Have some thing I spent money on. Sorry, stupid. Yeah. So stupid flowers are stupid gifts regardless, in my opinion, especially as I got fired, here's some flowers for you. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:22:26 Yeah. So it's the single guy. I was just going to say, super. The best gift is like, I don't know, like steaks. You send them to someone that's steaks. Yeah, but you don't say who it's, but I find the woman who wants steaks more than flowers. I will know I found the right woman. And it's my, it's my strategy. It's a filter. I'm doing this on purpose. I want to be where I am. I like this.

Starting point is 00:22:50 I love fucking it. I'm not going anymore. I have my own apartment. It's great here. Nobody can hear me right now. I have a shower for days. Days. I don't have to shower till I get itchy. This is the fucking best. I could if I want to. I just I choose. I choose. All right. So anyway, meanwhile in the if my life or interesting part of this movie, the Ronan has passed out. So now we have to see real world him waking up. We are 12 minutes into this movie. The main character is woken up twice. Yeah, because it is a Christian movie. And if people go to sleep, they must wake up. We think as the Christians will be able to figure out how they got to conscience. This is a dream we never saw him wake up. Yeah, okay. So Emmy comes in. He has to tell

Starting point is 00:23:42 her that he was laid off and her reaction is and I quote Maybe this is for the best you've been wandering for so long What That's a dumb you know like a samurai what Through the woods and there's an archer. I'm trying to help you You're fucking you say weird shit all the time about archer guys and I had no like it's confusing. Art script life is weird.

Starting point is 00:24:11 Yeah. And again, just to be clear, the stakes of this movie are, will this white guy get another job? That is the strengths of this movie so far. Right. Before he has to dip into his retirement. of this movie so far. Right. Before he has to dip into his retirement. Yeah. Okay. So, but we have to see him like being depressed and drinking beers and watching TV and having checked out of life altogether. Yeah. I just wrote watching TV in the semi-dark with your arms crossed. Be a lot more snake stories. And then we also show another shot of him still depressed. God, this was a poorly made movie. Uh, yeah. Okay. But, but let's think about the beautiful shot of the flowers. Oh my god. Let's think about that for 14 seconds. Shall we? It is insane how long this shot of flowers is to the extent that I like started to reach for the Apple remote

Starting point is 00:25:05 I was like, oh, it's I paused it with my ass It's so good. It's like look at the flowers Seriously fucking look at the flowers I'm making a movie like like the camera guys just point that stuff hoping it might be meaningful eventually It's just like flowers to it might be meaningful eventually. It's just like flowers. Two, three, this is more interesting than the script. I remember how in no, I'm a workie, we're going to keep it. That did to go nowhere. Granted, we're keeping his eyes wide shut. Had lots of long shots. This movie has lots of long shots. This is I'm curious. So the next morning, Emmy calls in sick to her job because while they have one unpaid

Starting point is 00:25:50 spouse and he says headaches again. And I wrote my notes like, wow, no woman with headaches has ever survived a movie. Spoilers, spoilers. And real quick, can we talk about the, the table here, the breakfast table? At one point, somebody's like, okay, so what's on a breakfast table? We'll put normal stuff down as props. Okay, so milk, I feel like, yeah, good milk, flowers. Okay. Pile of tomatoes, obviously. I'm sorry. I'm milk. I milk, I said milk. I would say three quarters of the shot. If you told me that this was weird ad placement for milk, I'd be like, oh, yeah, right.

Starting point is 00:26:43 That makes more sense now. I want to point out by the way, oh, yeah, right. Makes more sense now. I want to point out, by the way, those are check offs tomatoes. Those will come back. Oh, yeah. They nail that. They know that matter. One other thing that we see in the shot was soy flakes, the cereal called gross, gross soy flakes.

Starting point is 00:27:02 Is that a substitute for like frosted beef flakes? What the fuck's happening? Yeah, finally a vegetarian version of corn flakes. Yeah, we know what's happening. You know, because it's Japanese and they eat the soy there. Ooh, see. Hey, yeah, okay. So she thinks, Emmy thinks that C Kane should go visit Gary. Now, we're not immediately told who Gary is, but I want to think Gary was his gay pimp back in the

Starting point is 00:27:34 day. And in that instance, this makes sense. Right? Like his reaction makes sense. Oh, yeah. If you told me that Gary was someone who is constantly on fire and gives great big cugs, I'd be like, okay, Kane reacts appropriately. But he's a Catholic priest. So it's how I would react if I was that. But yeah, he first, he's like, fuck you, which yeah, I mean, like now that we know it's Catholic priest, he's supposed to be an atheist here. Like, okay, they've had this argument before, but then he's like, I left that life.

Starting point is 00:28:09 Yes. Like Gary's a Yakuza boss. I'm thinking of this because they haven't explained everything yet. They need to do better with that. And forgive me if I'm wrong here. Just her brain tumor get worse because he doesn't believe in God. Yep. She goes, he's like, I don't want to go to church.

Starting point is 00:28:27 And she's like, oh, I just got two inches bigger. I got two inches bigger. So crazy. Yeah. I don't know where he's just like, um, I propose nothing. When we die, we die. You stupid bitch. And she's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Starting point is 00:28:41 And then she has 10 different physical ailments flare up because of his atheism. Like she has a seizure and she vomits and swallows it back down right away. Like her nose, your start bleeding, it's over the top. Yeah, I just, I was picturing like a guy named migraine behind shooting her with a nerf gun or something. And then, and then she starts talking in the idioms of his kung fu fantasies. Almost like he's got to say, no, no, no, those are the CPS scenes. No, hun, you're not in those ones. When you, we're gonna dress you up in the kimono when it's time for that kind of, right? I wanted him to be like, wow, that tumor has gotten bad. She's like, what young Ronan? Oh, sorry.

Starting point is 00:29:25 Fuck, fuck it. So. But just to placate his impossibly hot wife, he goes to a church. And this is where we learn more of his backstory, his parents were missionaries in Japan and then they got divorced so he hates God. And the way we learn this is by pressing our mother fucking ear to the speakers because this is the point at which the sound balancing guy that they were paying to do this movie in church was like, well, if you're not going to give me the extra $5, you only get half

Starting point is 00:30:00 the volume on that. So many of my notes from here on out are like, what do you guys think just happened? Oh, okay. And what's the samurai equivalent to going and seeing a preacher, you think an old man in the woods who sets you on your journey and gives you a sword. Duh. So fucking racist. Is the sword the Bible? What are they saying? I think it is because he uses it later to cut through the mist of haze and confusion. Yeah, I whenever I'm confused, I read the Bible. Exactly how much you have to pay for every ramp. It's true.

Starting point is 00:30:46 But four hours. All right. Got it. Go good to know. Here's the crazy thing though. This guy hands, are we supposed to think that this like ancient old racist caricature hands out a sword to everyone who walks by like I wanted it to pan behind him. He's got a sword.

Starting point is 00:31:03 What are you? Thirty four inches. Thirty five inches. I wanted it to pan behind him. He just got his Mac and the swords behind him. What are you? 34 inches, 35 inches. There you go. This one's good for you. I got a bunch of swords here. It's got a line like the Apple store, just a bunch of nerds waiting trying to get this sword.

Starting point is 00:31:18 But your white guys are at the front of the line instead. It's so stupid, dude. He walks clearly past this old man who's just like set up a little sword kiosk in the woods. And but then he hears something and he and canes like show yourself and the old man's like, hey, hey, I'm like, I'm like 10 feet away. I'm not hiding. You, you didn't see me just now. When you walked past, you almost tripped over. You stumbled. We made eye contact just a moment ago. Yeah, but the old guy tells him like beneath the great tree, you will find the master.

Starting point is 00:31:56 And he's like, I'm my own master, Tammett, like maybe an act two. Come talk to me and act two. Yeah. Giant tumor starts growing out of the old man's face. Are you are you Carson agenically atheist? I am. In the other world that I'm killing my wife. Yeah. So yeah, speaking of which, Emmys reading the Bible, she has her pill, she might as well have her pills in a holster.

Starting point is 00:32:22 But they're in every fucking scene, they're like three inches away from her. So of course, her and her pills are reading the Bible. And again, Christian movie bingo card, Christians not being able to do spacework. She's closing the book, but she's so bad at it. It looks like she's turning the pages in the wrong direction. And then she like, she's like, oh shit, more than one page at a time. More than one page. She's like, go to the cover. She's trying to yank the book up

Starting point is 00:32:50 into a parallel position by the pages. And then she just sort of gives up. It all comes collapsing with the ground. She's like, yeah, I'd ended up closed. Ended up closed. Yeah. Oh. Imagine someone trying to play

Starting point is 00:33:02 one woman dominoes with a book. That's how this woman closes the book. And then she puts it away like, like, like, Kane walked in while she was shitting and looking at porn at the same time. She's like, stop, stop, stop. Yeah, and he comes in, she's taken a couple of pills again., comes in, he's like, do you have to take all of those pills? Yes. It's a prescription. I'll call my doctor and ask for triple size pills if you feel better about the total number of the pills. I feel like that's a weird thing to focus on. Is it a frequency issue for you? It's a total of milligrams is what we're going. Okay, I'll explain later. You're. I'm just saying, I'm fertile milligrams is what we're going. Okay, I'll explain later.

Starting point is 00:33:45 You're. I'm just saying, I'm just saying before you had the fucking brain tumor, there was always plenty of cold water in the fridge. Just refill the bread. It's just a whole thing. So okay, but now he has to like keep this, he pretends he didn't go to church when he actually did, but she knows that he went to church. Oh my God, it's so boring. It's been an end. It doesn't end nicely. He did the thing that

Starting point is 00:34:13 she wanted him to do. And she's like, actually, he went to church. And he's like, oh, for yeah, but not for you. My other girlfriend, she's a little waning. for you. My other girlfriend, she's a little waning. And she has a valid point. She's kind of being like a little bit passive aggressive here, but I think it was in the palette. She's like, so, Kane, who no longer has a job and I have cancer and we don't have health insurance together, do you do anything today? Like financially gainful or or just still nothing. Okay. Spiritually gainful. Anything spiritually gainfully. He's like, yeah, I went to the priest.

Starting point is 00:34:48 I saw the priest. And her headache is gone immediately. Yeah, right. No, her headache disappears at this point. Meanwhile, Gaijin Fox is beating up a guy for not killing Ronan good enough. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And this is when he introduces to the film a poison dagger. He introduces it like

Starting point is 00:35:11 this. He says only few people can recover from this poison. What? A few of you. It's a medium. I want to see this guy visit his poison maker now, right? Right. Ah, Lord Kabuki Devil, my finest poisoner, what do you have for me? Quite a bit, my Lord. Show me. All right, well first, we have this draft of ending sleep. Sorry, endless sleep? No, no, it ends. But you sleep for like a while. How long? Wow, 12 hours maybe, maybe more.

Starting point is 00:36:05 Right, not really looking to give the Ronan and Ambien. Perhaps something a bit more deadly, master poison. Perhaps this, a dagger. Leased with a poison that with one touch will make you sure you have a splinter, but then you check and there's nothing there and you're like what the hell yeah that I thought that sucks that feeling right it does I'm glad my lord is pleased yeah it's okay I'm really looking to kill the Ronin do you have a poison that kills master poisoner?

Starting point is 00:36:45 Do you have a poison that kills master poisoner? Indeed I do, but be careful with this. Ah yes, a simple vial but inside. Stress. Sorry, stress. Yeah, the silent killer. It's the silent killer, right? Great. Thanks. The silent killer. It's the silent killer, right? Great.

Starting point is 00:37:03 Thanks. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You know what's poisonous metal through your heart. Yes. I wanted one of the guys to just be like, if you want, I could stab him more than once or somewhere to kill him. No, I'm planning a whole thing. Don't. Don't. And then, uh, then archer guy is talking to his boss. And he's like, dude, let me just kill him, kill him with my arrows. Like, obviously, I'm, I'd that would be more efficient than the thing. He's like, no, we're saving him for later.

Starting point is 00:37:49 He's like, no, no, they're arrowed. Like, I can, I can pull him out and use him again. It's, it's like a condom. Like, you, you, you can always use arrows. Oh, Jesus Christ. But he says, no. And they have a little mini fight. Like a, you never let me use my arrows. Go on. And I tell you what next time you can use your arrows, right? Yeah. What if next time it's not a Ronan, what if next time it's just like, oh, there's a bore in the forest.

Starting point is 00:38:18 I'm not going to go fucking waste my arrows. Well, you can pull them out and use them again. No, I don't use my thing. I said that. I said that. I said it. All right. So, so he's allowed to do the next killing of something, but not this one. But he's like, he's excited about that.

Starting point is 00:38:36 He's like, all right, but I'll pin him to a tree. And he's like, oh, shit, the guy got mad at him. The boss gets mad. He's like too far. Sorry, sorry. Wait, was it? Was it too far? You really can't, you just, you stare at me with a mask on and there's no big deal. I can't tell if you're laughing.

Starting point is 00:38:51 The non-nurable stuff gets ruined. Are we, no on the arrow, depending to the tree with the arrows? Just say any so nod. Please nod. All right. So late that night in the real world, Emmy is sneaking out of bed to sit near her pill bottle. And she's writing a note to Kane that he can find at the end of act three. Yep, this is her PS. I love you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:18 Dear samurai, larping president, please tell my husband to stop fucking around and get a job that'd be great. Oh, okay. And while she's doing this, of course, Ronin is on a mountain top about to present Simba when sub zero sneaks up. And okay. So this is the part where they stab him with the poison dagger, which if you

Starting point is 00:39:47 think about it is just like coming home and finding your wife all passed out from second actitis. Yeah. Yeah. The movie confused itself on the metaphor here. Ninja stabbing can is like getting stabbed by cancer. I know. No, like your wife getting stabbed. Okay. Cancer. No. All right. I wanted to flash back and forth. And then there's a ninja in the real world for a second.

Starting point is 00:40:15 Oh, sorry. I'm buck. I lost track. Um, do you have any end of biotics? Cause we do not have those back where I am going. Okay. All right, so she's in the hospital. Kane and Granny are watching over. This is the first time we meet her mother who is the most amazing character you will ever encounter in film. Oh my god. It is now it is tiger mom accent with no sound balancing. I might as well. I do not know why you. Oh, all right. Jesus making outfit for the incredible lady. What the fuck's going on? So yeah, and I love he goes, he turns to her at this point and he goes, they think it might be malignant. You think? Maybe that's because she has terrible headaches, the lost consciousness

Starting point is 00:41:18 and is currently comatose, you think you maybe it's malignant? The atheism? No, the cancer. Well, okay, at first I thought we're eventually going to learn granny is an atheist and a staunch one at that, but at first I thought that she didn't like him because he was an atheist, but no, she doesn't like him because he's white. And this is where they go to the samurai world again and the movie was getting confused itself because they show samurai cane and then they cut to samurai cane. Yes. They didn't realize what happened and they're trying to figure out like, okay, cancer wife is like what for samurai's eating mushrooms. This is getting hard. It's like a tired

Starting point is 00:42:07 samurai. Wait, what did you say mushrooms? Yeah, eating mushrooms with just what if like when they taste bad, maybe there you go nailed it. Like bad tasting mushrooms cancer in real life. Wait, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So the, the Ronan recovers from the dagger poison. Lucky for him. They didn't use the lethal kind. Yeah. And he's decided now he's going to go back to the old man with the sword and find the master under the tree after all.

Starting point is 00:42:43 Okay. And they do the stereotypical like, he that seeks in the way of the world, knows the way of the world always seeks. Except the samurai guy ruins it by being like, hey, can you stop? Can you stop? Yeah, see? With this? And the guy is like, no,

Starting point is 00:43:01 because the short version is just Jesus. Like, what is it? You want to do the short version is just Jesus. Like, you want to do the short, short version is have you tried Jesus Christ as our Lord and savior? And then the movie ends. Dick, so no. Yeah, they're trying to use the like he's hungry and he needs to find food metaphor that canes searching for food. And the old guys like, yeah, go to this tree and find your master. You will get your fill. And he's like, can I say, all right, well, you keep, you keep saying that is that going to be food? Like literal food. You will get your fill. Okay, you're saying it all weird. Say, I want you to say definitely normal food, not butt sex. Because

Starting point is 00:43:40 now I think it's. You'll fill you up from behind. Mother fuck just talk. No, it's like it's like trying to have a business meeting with Eli. No doing bits dude. No bits. We're just saying Norm. We're trying to talk through a normal thing. I can't tell what

Starting point is 00:43:56 level you're on. No bits. You'll attack. He's going like, yeah, no, it goes out forever. He goes like, what's his name? He has many names. How far does it? How far is the journey? And it's different for all. And Blake is, I'm like, what do you want for fucking tech support? Just answer. It's got damn questions. That guy would then go on to invent ways. Yeah. You said leave it 530.

Starting point is 00:44:19 I have a happy ghost for a face. Fuck you, man. I'm not a cab driver. I don't need to know where a deer died three and a half months ago when some asshole wrote it as a joke. So. So okay, so he decides to take the sword and look for this master or whatever. But as he's leaving a guy comes by and he's like, hey, man, you in the market for a sidekick.

Starting point is 00:44:44 Yup. Cause I could be a sidekick. Yep. Cause I could be a racist character to it's like someone is pitching the character from within the movie. He's like, no, I have some hilarious comic relief plan. And he's like, I think you're sort of going to money the waters on the road and starting, he's like, no, trust me, there's a good twist. I got a whole, I'll put some comedy in there. I'll move the plot along. He's like, no, no, but come on, bodyguard. You don't want to really excited annoying bodyguard

Starting point is 00:45:13 who wants to talk to you all the time. I'm like, I'm just like chemo, but like an ancient Japanese person. So yeah, also we should point out the bad guys like minions see that he survived the poison dagger stabbing. And then we get Kane coming home to, uh, to grandma, grandma staying with him while the daughter, while Emmy is in the hospital. And this is the first grandma fight. There will be a better Grammified there will be a gram of fight that um how do I put this descends beyond words It does descend beyond words. So okay and and

Starting point is 00:45:54 But in this fight we're just talking about how crappy American food isn't how when you eat it You just need to eat again in an hour She goes she basically says she probably has a brain tumor because of all this bullshit you feed her. Which yeah, maybe, maybe I don't know. I started to wonder though, does every ethnicity think the other guy's ethnicity doesn't fill you up? Is that just like it's like, you know, how every state thinks the state next to him had all the bad drivers in it. Yeah, there's two. No.

Starting point is 00:46:28 Well, only if you live in New York, but yeah. Now, Gritty at this point has to also approach the subject of shouldn't you get a fucking job? Your wife has cancer and you're unemployed and playing swords all day. He's like, I'm working on it. And by the way, at least realistic thing about this movie, a mother-in-law shutting up. Am I right? My career's a construct based on making things familiar, surprising.

Starting point is 00:46:54 Just open it. Just open it, get some chuckles. Mother-in-laws. So meanwhile, Canis application doing or something because literally no one involved with the production of this film knows what looking for a job looks like. I mean, look, right? He went on zipper cruder.

Starting point is 00:47:16 He could find a job in just Glondage. And also, I love this too. He gets a phone call at this point and he's like, yeah, no, we don't have any health insurance blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, that'll be that'll factor into the movie at some point again, surely. Oh, so right. No insurance is just like an obnoxious ancient Japanese bodyguard. Like I'd be like, they crushed that one. Like chalk up a point for air tight metaphors, this movie, they're doing good. But then they kind of fuck it up because we, we see regular architect Cain cutting up bell peppers. Like, like the bodyguard is like bell peppers and ass coffee animals. Like they need to pick

Starting point is 00:48:03 which it's one. Yeah. So, okay. So in the Kung Fu world, the Ronan is about to get attacked by two ninjas at the past and Kane in the real world is making dinner and getting a phone call at the same time, which is so annoying. It's just like be attacked by ninjas in few in Japan. Yeah. Yeah. They're standing on either side of the road and he's walking, he's going to walk in between them. I wanted them to jump out to early and accidentally stab each other. He's just like, whoa, I said on Derry. Yeah, I did think this is three go. No, go exactly. Go is four. No three. We talked about that. you three go say it, say it, how you think it goes. I'm already

Starting point is 00:48:45 dead. So in the real world, the priest, it was the priest from earlier calling him. He's so very sorry that his wife is in the second act now, but while he's all emotionally vulnerable and distraught financially, would he like to join this religion? Yeah. Would you like to book? We took a little money out of the child rape fund. And please consider getting one 1,000th of your taxes back. Please, we want to go for you.

Starting point is 00:49:19 We figure in seven, eight years, you guys could have a kid that's prime raping age. So what's an investment? It's an investment. We were doing thoughts and prayers, but you know, still that's a lot of things. Cancer. I don't know why I even mentioned as dumb. We're spoke to the doctor and he said that she's not doing much thinking. So, you know, prayers and money is going to have to do. So, you know, prayers and money is going to have to do. A lot of those kids that got raped are dying now. So like, we don't have, we're, that's like some money off of our balance sheet right there.

Starting point is 00:49:52 So there you go. All right. And this you see, of course, is analogous to the sidekick comic relief showing up and saving the Ronan from the ninjas that were about to attack him at the last second. So he can be the sidekick from here on out. Honestly, I cannot describe how much money I would pay to watch this movie seen by scene and turn to the writer and go, so what were you going for here? But there's also this weird moment with the sidekick where he like kills the guys and he's like, you

Starting point is 00:50:23 didn't have to do that for me. He's like, no, honestly, I just love to murder. I swear it's yeah Now you should really want me to hang out with you. Huh Jesus he goes at this point is like are you trying to find the master beneath the tree? And he's like, you know, maybe I just want him to get there There's like three elves making fudge stripe cookies like I'll find it Should have been what they give him all get there. There's like three elves making fudge strike cookies. Like, I'll fuck. I didn't should have been worse. They gave him all he wants. Yeah, right.

Starting point is 00:50:48 He said, a meal. But he's been all weird and eager to go with Cain on his, his journey and Cain's like, I don't know, man. He's like, come on. I killed the black face people for you. Like having a whole church is a sidekick. You gotta let me go. You gotta let me go.

Starting point is 00:51:03 Yeah. So the message here is Christianity is just like that guy who you meet on the street and he follows you to dinner. Yup. And the movie seems to think that that's definitely a positive thing. They're like, yeah, like the cool guy that follows you to dinner. And then all some kills people tells you about Jesus while you're eating. You're welcome. The best. All right. So Kane is as waiting with Emmy at the hospital sidekick is comic

Starting point is 00:51:34 relief thing. Yeah. Bodyguard is doing the monologue. I say to Noah and Heath before every podcast. The good thing you keep me around. Let me tell you this. Have to write a whole other third of headlines. Please don't.

Starting point is 00:51:48 I don't know if it'd be a third, but I mean, honestly, like watching this scene, I like watching this scene and imagine a black dude in the role of the sidekick, because the whole time it's it's just like, you know, I'll do anything you want. Master, I'll wash dishes. I'll do this. I'll do this. I'll do you're going to be sure happy to have me around doing your bidding white person. Yep. Anyway, I'm also okay.

Starting point is 00:52:13 So in the real world, Granny comes in, the mother-in-law comes in on him watching porn. Is that what they were going for here? I couldn't tell. I thought it was just TV because I wrote in my notes, she goes, what are you watching? He goes, uh, Assa Akira, I miss Emmy. You know, it's a whole thing. Yeah. Have a type.

Starting point is 00:52:33 And yeah, okay. But they never really explained what he was watching. This is also where we learn about that best, worst superpower he was talking about. Yeah. about that best worst superpower he was talking about. Yeah, he lights his finger on fire and then it just circulates that he's going to light a fart. But I mean, it's a Christian movie. So he doesn't actually light a fart. They just yeah, in the case that he might,

Starting point is 00:52:58 they casually introduced that one of these characters can produce a flame from his fingertip without flint or tinder. And they use it to light a fart and you'd a fireball with it. That's at least when William Wallace said it was a joke, right? But no, this character really, that is his attack method. I wanted so bad for them to cut to the hospital and canes just like light and farts trying to burn the cancer out. They missed a lot opportunities with fart lighting in this movie. Yeah, they did.

Starting point is 00:53:32 They did actually. So most movies do. So the sidekick wakes up in the forest and he catches the Ronan practicing his sword or swordy and stuff. Oh my God. Because this movie entirely was inspired by I got some pretty sweet sword moves though. Yep. This is a contractually obligated Kata.

Starting point is 00:53:56 Yes. So the bodyguards sees the dark dark Lord samurai guy practice in the sword, Kata, I want him to just like blast the guy with a giant fireball fart, but again, no, they missed it completely. No. Instead, he turns to the archer guy that always wants to kill somebody, but never gets to and says, now it is time. You finally get to kill him with your Poe and arrow, but be careful. He powered up. He's got like the master sword now.

Starting point is 00:54:28 Yes. And this conversation so nonsensical, he turns to the archery. He's like, be careful. He's stronger now. And the archer goes, thank you. And you can see Kabuki Satan pause. Like, wait, thank what? No, you're welcome.

Starting point is 00:54:44 You're welcome. Thank you for telling you that. I'm pulling the mask off. Look at my face. I'm not happy about what I'm doing right now. Unhappy, unhappy, frown, proud. Proud. This is got a Moe, cheesy scrolling through.

Starting point is 00:55:00 All right, so Cain is, okay. Someone explained to me why this scene exists. Kane is watching news about Muslims being terrorists. This has nothing to do with the movie. This is completely said, somebody might as well just show up and say, you know who bombs people, Muslims, and then walk away never to be seen again. Yeah, the movie, the movie really didn't think through their, their cross got metaphor this time because yeah, we're watching news about a Muslim suicide bomber. And we're also watching Christian samurai buddy cops getting lost in the woods. Like that's a fucking thinker. Like what connection? I think the metaphor here is that you lose your faith when you get to caught up in

Starting point is 00:55:47 the fancy Jew words of the internet, right? That's actually it is the like sometimes people focus too much on the harm religion does and that'll cause them to lose faith instead of isn't that a problem of religion? Right. Well, actually, I think they were being a little more explicit than that. I think they were saying like, you know, people bombing mosques or being terrorists or whatever is being in the religious forest, but losing your way, which would be a real good argument for staying the fuck out of that forest, but they don't seem to recognize

Starting point is 00:56:23 that. Right. Yeah. They're saying like, religion all sounds like fucking stupid, all of it. So make sure you pick the right one. Because there absolutely is a magical realm that we can't see in a forest with samurai. And it absolutely would make sense to be a suicide bomber to get that. But hold on. Wait, can we stop the samurai from doing whatever we got to think the sound is fucking suicide bomber to get. That's, but hold on. Wait, can we stop?

Starting point is 00:56:46 We got to stop the samurai's from doing whatever. We got to think this. No, fuck. So, okay. Yeah. Meanwhile, as they're wandering through the forest, the Ronan and fire finger, the bad guy ninjas are right on their tail. So, you know, we're going to have to have a big sword fight.

Starting point is 00:57:04 Wait, we didn't have the money for that. Maybe a mist will close in. The mist. Okay. Literally he goes, I can't see. We're like, super green screened right now. Look how bad. See our outlines on it.

Starting point is 00:57:18 It's really rough. And the bad guys, they can't afford the bad guys and the good guys in the same shot. Like they don't have a big enough sound stage. So it comes between shots of the bad guys like swinging swords around in mid air and the good guys being like, uh oh, here they come. I they might change costumes and then go and like see the change. Yeah. I must ask the son in the other ones. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:45 But then luckily, okay. So in the real world or whatever, uh, Kane is reading absolute nonsense words that the writer is just too stupid to fucking realize our word salad. Oh, I had no idea what was going on here. It was like someone who sends you a string of tweets like, I'm working on a new project about a epistemology of the left northern, Kekegaard, and she's like, Oh, no, mute, mute, I wanted to, I went to mute this guy on Twitter just in case it was in But see, okay. And then the, in the analogy universe, he's using those words to cut through the mist and get them out of having to choreograph a whole fight.

Starting point is 00:58:32 So yeah, so they escape. And that night they're, they're going to bed and I just bring this up because they have the weird conversation about how he can't remember having eaten. Oh my God, it's a best bodyguard, guys. Like, oh, I'm so hungry. And he's like, I literally cannot remember ever having eaten. And I wanted the bodyguard guy to be like, okay, story topper. Weird.

Starting point is 00:58:55 I'm fine. Like, off-putting, but sure. But he's like, ha ha, me too. Yeah, I don't remember eating. It's been so long. And, and can't it's like, no, ha, ha, me too. Yeah. I don't remember eating. It's been so long. And then can'ts like no, seriously, like never. It's like I've been starving my soul. It's exactly like what? Sorry. Sorry. The writers forgot which part we're in again. I think they thought we're that's the other thing. And then they they roll over and then they have that like

Starting point is 00:59:24 sleepover silence. I wanted him to be like, Hey, dude, what do you think boobs feel like? Yeah, right. Do you believe it goes? It's awesome. Wait, shut up. Theyore, snore, snore. All right. So now we catch the, the, the Ronan is awake at the early in the morning doing sweet moose with his sword. And in the real world, mom and law is coming in to catch him reading mystical Christian shit. And mom is the fucking best.

Starting point is 01:00:08 Mom's like, we agreed that God is dead. It was in your vows. Yeah, apparently him and Grady had a conversation where he promised he would give up on loving Jesus, his lord and savior. We had a deal. You were going to raise the kids to be atheist, death ninjas that kill Christian seekers. And now you're going back on that. She's the best. And of course, while he's having this argument with his mother-in-law, this is being analogized as the Ronan taking on eight ninjas at once.

Starting point is 01:00:45 And then the most glorious thing that could ever happen. This movie loses track of the two worlds and she goes to slap him and he karate fights her just for a second. But he does like a very clear karate 101 like, yeah, the black soft up

Starting point is 01:01:12 and yeah, and karate bites his mother-in-law. Yep, and can we just talk about, that's gonna be an awkward conversation if Emmy wakes up, right? And can we just talk about, that's gonna be an awkward conversation if Emmy wakes up, right? Hey, sleepyhead. Kane, how long have I been in a coma?

Starting point is 01:01:34 Almost a week. Wow. Hey, I've been reading that book you gave me. Oh, Kane, I'm so glad. Yeah, I think I'm really on the path to God now. I'm looking for a job I karate fought your mom and I think we should start going to church. I'm sorry, you what? I know church isn't always the place for me, but I think no, no, no, not that one.

Starting point is 01:01:58 You karate fought my mother while I was in a coma? Well, she started it. I mean, Kane, did you win at least? No. Her kung fu is strong. I was gonna say. I mean, at least it was awkward when I had that conversation with Anna.

Starting point is 01:02:23 I was just for me. I was weird. And was just for me. And her mom's. I had, I just, I should not have put my money on you, is all. I'm okay. And then we get this amazing goddamn moment. If this movie was like, and all self-aware, this might be the greatest moment in the history of cinema, the Ronan is running towards the archer, the

Starting point is 01:02:45 second to the main bad guy that they've been setting up this whole time. And the archer shoots him through the fucking stomach or whatever. Arrow goes all the way through him to where it's sticking out of his back, but the Ronan is still running towards him. And you are not ready for this. He leaps in the air, spins around halfway and stabs the archer to death with the arrow sticking out of his back. If you're not hard right now, you need some fucking medicine or something or you don't have a penis. It's one of those two things. Just go to four hymns.com. There are lots of reasons why you might go to four hymns.com. Or there are lots of reasons why you might go to four hymns.com. Maybe you want to place the hang stuff.

Starting point is 01:03:29 Yeah. Just with the whole thing, the whole thing here is them hitting their metaphor again, but this time they knew exactly where they were going. Oh, yeah. Okay. So ready guys, writers are on winning an argument with your evil Japanese atheist mother in law. What would that be like? And it's just the room full of writers all at the same time. They're like, spinning around to a barger.

Starting point is 01:03:51 My body's playing a knife. He's been, it was spitting. Oh, they were so moving now. So proud of themselves. It was kind of sad. All right. So it was like when it was like kind of like watching a little kid go up to us like recently laid off dad to give him his pile of nickels or something. Well, this help with it was like that of movies. So okay.

Starting point is 01:04:20 So the road and it has survived, but just barely any staggers back to fire fingers so they can do some fart jokes together. Yep. And he's like, Hey, man, why didn't you tell me you were in a big ninja fight? And he's like, yeah, I just had to do this super sweet move. Trust me, the audience is loving it right now. No one is going to have to send a podcast. And he's got a fiel readingms, but trying to make it sound like, uh, ancient Eastern wisdom or something. Yes.

Starting point is 01:04:49 This, this actor obviously thought he could sneak in some of the less terrible Psalms, but just read them with lines broken and it would sound like high coup, just like, yes, who knows he breaks the head of children on rocks will be. That would be. I think nailed it. Yeah. And we should also point out that Gaijin Fox is pissed when he finds the dead archery all now.

Starting point is 01:05:17 Oh, personal. Like Satan is sad that the mother and law, I don't know, the metaphor really has died at this point. They sort of go in, you know, it would help would be another long look at those flowers. Yep. If we could, I'm going to start my own gang that hunts the architects. We're going to kill them right away and act one with my arrows to the right. Stupid.

Starting point is 01:05:41 All right. Well, with Jesus having won that ninja battle. We'll pause to catch our breath. But first, let me give act three the hard sell here. Does the director of this movie know 11 ways to kill a man with a comb? Would he be happy to demonstrate them? What would you do if he did this? Find out the answer to these questions and more of the winter for the still even crazier

Starting point is 01:06:03 conclusion of... Masterless. Everyone found out the answer to those questions on set. I love this goddamn thing! Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk I'm headed to this dude's imagination to dress like a evil samurai and make him not love Jesus Question quickly Baltheous Think sure real quick. Why? Why why? Okay, so in these movies, right? You don't get mad at don't get mad at sorry in these movies, right? You're always... Don't get mad at me, don't get mad at me. Sorry, sorry.

Starting point is 01:06:45 In these situations, you're always trying to make people like, not love Jesus so you can torture them forever, right? Right. But like, those aren't your rules. Those are God's rules. Which seems odd that you're invested in carrying out God's plan of weird, conditional eternal punishment.

Starting point is 01:07:07 I guess, uh... I guess that is his plan, huh? Yeah, it seems to me that like, he's the dick, and then he sends you out to make sure people fail this arbitrary test all while claiming he loves everyone, you know? Right, right. But I mean, what would I do instead? I don't know, you want to start a podcast? Yeah, but who's going to listen to that?

Starting point is 01:07:34 That's true. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to rejoin Ronan and Firefinger, reaching a pond in an orchard that looks a little too good to be true Yeah, I wrote in my notes here. Meanwhile in the land of Cepia. It's time for a somehow more heavy-handed metaphor But metaphor of what oh, oh I know We'll get there. Atheism is nothing but Rivers and apples just brought with peril. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:10 Yes. Oh, Jesus. Okay. So him and the sidekick argue about whether they should go to the orchard. It could be a trap after all. And in the real world, beaver teeth is calling Kane to tell him that he might have a job for him. Yeah. So according to the movie, the evil path is actually a job is having a job, which means that at some point the person who wrote this movie turned to his Asian wife and was like, jobs are a trap.

Starting point is 01:08:39 Jobs are a trap. Okay. Right. This part was clearly written during the guys like, you know, I'll get a job when I'm done with my movie Portion of his relationship with his mother evil atheists and their promises of earthly delight like Gainful employment Typical so yeah, so he goes and gets the job that part of the stories over now where he was

Starting point is 01:09:07 Unemployed which if you think about it is just like going in an orchard and finding a hot chick humming poorly What there so here's the best part This is a Christian movie and this is the part where the main character in any other movie is supposed to meet a succubus. Boom, fucks him, but because it's a Christian movie, she's just like, you want to like take a nap and eat some apples. By the way, they have like the most awkward small talk here. He's like, nice orchard. Cool, cool.

Starting point is 01:09:46 Like this guy would go on to teach Heath how to talk to women. And he's like, I'm just saying. Yeah, you come to this orchard off? Stupid, savvy. You have a slip, you're orchard. Done. June, how, so many houses a gun. When he's funny.

Starting point is 01:10:04 How so many how's it gone when he's funny? It's Scotch. Yeah, but but this is we've got a beautiful Asian woman handing out food and singing. So this is one of the times I decide, okay, I'm gonna pause for about five minutes. I'll be right back. And then she falls to her knees and I was like, what, two minutes? We'll say we'll call it two minutes of right back. I started floating into my screen like bugs, bunny, falling from the cartoons.

Starting point is 01:10:34 But yeah, she's shocked him in. And ultimately he decides to take her weird tomato apple fruit piece. Why do they? Okay, it grows on a tree. So it's a tomato, the croissant and tree. Do they think apples are tomatoes? I think this movie thinks apples are pomegranates or whatever. The biblical fruit is not a tomato. It's definitely not tomato, right? We can rule out tomato. Oh, that would be like having camels and genesis.

Starting point is 01:11:04 Which is like seriously, have this tomato. And he's like, all right, well, I mean, is it poison? Cause like in the story, is it poison? Is it like, or is it? What? It's just like, it's been clinically tested for poison. Don't worry. How did that test?

Starting point is 01:11:19 No, you know what, never mind, I'll take it. So yeah, so he gets his new job, his new job seems to be going, well, they're saying business words and everything there. Oh my God. Okay, two things. First of all, they're trying to make this small talk insidious, right? His boss is like, yeah, there's this place JoJo's down this thing. They do a really good French tip sandwich as you should check that out.

Starting point is 01:11:41 But the background music is like, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Yeah. which is you should check that out. But the background music is like, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch Yep, not in a coma. Sorry, what? Did you just nod? Is your wife in a coma? And then we get the writers who knew nothing about architecture, talking about architectures. Oh my God. He's just like, I, we need this to go on to the partition wall, Hapford, Bapper. What a deterioratepper, bapper. What a deteriorate possibly, printings. I wanted it so badly to be in this writer's room when the scene got written.

Starting point is 01:12:37 Okay, and then his boss comes over and they talk about some architecture stuff. Architecture stuff. Yeah. I got it. Okay, great. So what do you guys got for that? Me? No, you go. You go.

Starting point is 01:12:51 No, you go. No, I said first. Okay, I mean, either one of you guys can go first. You know enough to write something for this part, right? Yeah, yeah. Totally. Yeah, no, it's boss says that the stairs stairs, right? Need to be next to the tower. Okay. That's stairs next to the tower. Those. And he's gonna hammer.

Starting point is 01:13:18 In the morning, right? And hammer in the evening. If he had a hammer all over this land. Yeah, you guys are doing song lyrics now. Can we just really have the hammer in the store? He actually has a hand really. Well, okay, what does he say next? Don't say a song lyric, though. What's he going to build? What's next? Uh-huh. A brick house. House, commoners. No, you're so lucky. This is a Christian movie. Yeah, something like that.

Starting point is 01:13:54 But, but we, what we're supposed to get from this scene, though, is he's architecting the fuck out of it. Mm hmm. And again, this is bad. Doing your job is bad. Right. Because you have medical insurance while your wife has cancer, that is bad is the message. Yeah. So we get a montage of him selfishly working very hard. He's, you know, ignoring phone calls and still at work once everyone else is left and not buying flowers because his wife's in a coma and she wouldn't know.

Starting point is 01:14:29 Crosscut with the erotic tea ceremony comico from karate kid too. That's the evil thing that's going on in samurai world. Right. And this is not religious or a religious like he's just being a dick by not visiting his wife in a coma. Yeah. Okay. like he's just being a dick by not visiting his wife in a coma. Yeah, okay, but okay, this is where I wrote and I make this note with increasing frequency as we go on, but what is this movie about though? It's, uh, when it's typical atheists, if you do, got distracted, you wouldn't know that's a coma.

Starting point is 01:15:06 Oh, and and a fuck party. And summary of this. Two people talking at the same time. So over the last two and a fuck parties.

Starting point is 01:15:18 Nailed it. Exactly. And then and then we get thrown in, waking up from succumbing to the succubus. He's been munching her tomatoes for days now. Apparently, and he has a hangover from them. He's like, oh, man, where are we? I just remember us doing tomato shots and then Dave tried to fight the bouncer outside of that tree. Yeah, and the movie is quite certain that tomatoes are extremely sexual. And I mean, they're not wrong.

Starting point is 01:15:56 They're not wrong, but they don't know that. They're like, it's just tomatoes just strewn everywhere everywhere like fucking condom wrap. Yeah. The siren lady or her face is just dripping with tomato come that like slimy seed stuff in that it's the best. Yeah, no, they are definitely going for wild tomato party after math. Someone was given that assignment precisely. But now he's starting to realize he's like, hey, wait, I've gotten distracted from my mission.

Starting point is 01:16:28 Where's my sword? I don't even remember where I was supposed to go. This would be like in the real world, if an architect's assistant showed up with fucked up paperwork. And it's, it's amazing. This, he's like, damn it, Brian, you put a pool out the window. You're mugging. So then we get this scene where we're,

Starting point is 01:16:53 we're, Kaden is meeting with his boss and this is the boss's actual god damn lines. This is what was written down on a piece of paper for this man to say, and I quote, God, you can't do this without the accent. Okay, I'm doing it with the accent. I'll tell you what, kid, you got the goods. You got the attitude. But most of all, you don't want it. That's the way this scene begins.

Starting point is 01:17:18 Why is this architect boss and an old timey Hollywood producer with a fucking casting couch. You're gonna be a stock kid. You're gonna be a moron picture. You got it all. Like what the fuck is happening? I was, I can't believe he didn't comment on the cut of his jib. Once it's so bad he's gonna fuck this rolled up blueprint. Let me tell you. And the, and now the stakes of this movie are that Kane isn't sure if he's ready to be called up to the architecture big leagues. Yes. Yes. Because there's this moment where he's like sitting there like, Oh, but is this really what I want? Right. And so the other part, the boss wants Kane to lead the team that's going to get the Tokyo embassy deal.

Starting point is 01:18:05 Yeah. Right? I'm pretty sure this movie really believes that this guy is Japanese, that they think this what man, that that would explain a lot. Like I think that just he was just like, yeah, I'm Japanese and they were like, okay. You look white, but he says he's Japanese. Yeah. And I guarantee you that the story of this guy is the story of the character that his parents

Starting point is 01:18:30 were missionaries in Japan. He was born there and he's like, yeah, I was there until it was eight. Okay. Then he does that weird authentic pronunciation thing when you go to get sushi. He's like, I think I will have to suck it and you're like, hey man. Why are you yelling? Kane. Just can't just say mozzarella stick man. That's weird. Do you have any sticks to the mozzarella stop it? Stop it. Don't do that.

Starting point is 01:18:53 Were they missionaries in Italy too? Or are you the worst? I want to move you this exactly movie except the Ronan is daydreaming about being in a slightly better Western on top of it. You know, just go inception levels up in action movies. Oh, and also, by the way, the succubus woman that's tempting him with the fucking tomatoes, she can almost speak English, huh? Almost. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, once in a while you'll hear an English word and you'll be like, okay, no, I wasn't Japanese.

Starting point is 01:19:27 It's pretty great. I mean, it's just more of my fantasy. Just like my heath's groundhog day fantasy is what's happening just over and over. It's me and Bill Murray at an Asian woman with broken English. She's cradling my head in her lap, feeding, feeding mango slices while she sings. It's, it's pretty sweet. A tonally. A tonally. Don't care. Doesn't really matter. Yeah. She's a, it's mostly about the mango slices and Bill Murray.

Starting point is 01:19:57 And he's jeopardy against him. Yeah. So and we also have to see that in the real world, Kayn is like losing it, right? He's being mean to his subordinates because they're impossibly incompetent and he's angry and frustrated with life. But he turns it to like fucking, it's coffeyist for closures. He's like, are you fucking a dick in a bitch right now?

Starting point is 01:20:21 I'm a fucking mother. Are you serious with this shit? A 4% grade, Alan? Really? What are we in fucking kindergarten? I'll tell you what, Alan. I want you to take this blueprint home. I want you to set it on fire

Starting point is 01:20:34 and I want you to press it to your face for a full 66. Then come back and talk to me. Then come back to talk to me. You useless pile of shit. If you go home tonight and kill yourself, I'm gonna show up with a big bouquet of flowers that just says good, right? I'm going to give it to your wife. It's just going to wear it around her neck while I fuck her up the ass, Brian. You hear me? You hear me? Four percent grade on the level.

Starting point is 01:20:58 I'm pretty sure that actor actually had that meltdown because they have to paint the audio out, right? Yes. Yes. Before he got to any of that. So that's all hat like he says a little bit of that, but then you can see him mouthing most of what he like just said. And apparently his anger and atheist rage is just too much because it at that exact moment his wife dies. And they didn't think she could get hotter. Don't chase this.

Starting point is 01:21:29 Oh, I'm sorry. Do we judge Heath for his weird mango, Bill Murray thing, but I bring out. I hate being the new guy. I have to say too, there's this amazing little bit here where the heartbeat sound, right? We're hearing our heart monitor. And the sound effect doesn't line up with the doctor's freaking house.

Starting point is 01:21:49 At all. But it stops. The doctor comes in and checks on her. He's like, no, she looks pretty good. All dead. Wait, woo, woo. Because the sound is so bad, it looks like he does a cartoon double take. Yeah, it does. And then we get more amazing acting asleep badly. I mean, it's so good. She's dead this time, but she's clenching her face being dead hard, like dead, dead, dead. Like, Blizz, she keeps going,

Starting point is 01:22:23 Blizz. Dead people don't say black. Black. Dead people don't snore. You're snoring now. Dead. Dead. Dead snore.

Starting point is 01:22:35 Dead snore. Dead snore. Dead snore. I mean, of course, like I guess he like psychically says is she dies. So he decides to run to the hospital, run up the stairs and check to see if she's still alive, but she's not. He gets there too late.

Starting point is 01:22:51 The best just empty. Yeah. Oh shit. Or someone already called dibs on her body. God damn. Well, she's Asian. She's going to go fast. Stupid.

Starting point is 01:22:59 What the fuck? You wouldn't understand. You wouldn't understand. There's a whole underground ring. I have a website't understand, you wouldn't understand. There's a whole underground ring. I have a website. No, you don't. Get on the deep web. And speaking of something else, the Ronan is waking up from his devil fruit buzz now.

Starting point is 01:23:20 So we get the whole thing where like the Ronan is like, okay, he make it. Can he get away from the the succubus? And at the same time, Kane is like trying to decide whether or not he's going to now take her pills. He's going to take all her pill. And by the way, like he has maybe six pills. I just wrote in my notes, yep, that's right, kids. If you're planning to kill yourself, just take five pills. That'll do it. Okay, but they were headed like five excendrions.

Starting point is 01:23:50 Yeah, Thailand and three. I'm a proffins the seven aspirin. That'll do it. But I don't take so back in samurai world. Yeah, he's waking up and it's like the hair of the dog that bitch you scenario in both cases. It's like, all right, let me have a little bit of tomato. And all right. Yes. All a little bit of the evil headache pills. No, maybe I'll kill myself with both. Yeah. So of course, we learned that the succubus surprise surprise was working for hygiene fox the whole time. And also at the end of the, you know, whatever tent scene

Starting point is 01:24:26 instead of overdosing on the pills, he decides to look at the Bible instead. And what's in the Bible? A note. Oh, it's on pink paper. It must have been written by a woman. And this note is dear Kane. Hey, just in case I die, I want you to know I'm not mad. Just disappointed. If he has time reading this, God wanted to kill me. Hear me out. Hear me out. I deserve it. Remaring you, you killed me. You're an atheist. Be Christian now. Yeah. Christian truth. All enable the stop pestering you even when they're dead. Yeah, I mean, look, you don't have to be Christian. Just know that like if you're not Christian, I'm in a void right now.

Starting point is 01:25:15 Again, I'm not even aware that I'm dead. It's just I'm gone, you know, just gone forever. So like, you know, if you don't like that thought of my consciousness, ceasing to exist, you might want to be Christian, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever it's fine. Whatever it's up for you. We also get some cuts with her funeral for a second. Yeah. Was real sad. Not all of them for the funeral.

Starting point is 01:25:37 It was like my birthday party, but people were there. It was rough. It's like your funeral is going to be. there. It was rough. It's like your funerals going to be. Yeah. I wanted so bad to hear like an atheist eulogy from the mother-in-law, just like, okay, entropy, right? Right? This guy gets it. Nothing happens when you die. We gathered here today, corpses waiting for our turn on the ground. It's all fun. I have a note from Eli Bosnick. I'd like to be. He was the one who got to my daughter's body first. And he wrote some really beautiful words. All right. Squish, squish.

Starting point is 01:26:17 Sorry. So, but all right. And back in the fucking feudal Japan world He's about to die at the hands of the hygiene Fox dude, but just then ghost Emmy shows up. She's in this universe now and Saves the Ronin with a one-touch sword fight thing. It was her dream Was it yeah, that was she dreamed she leaned over him and said something to him and he stood up and that's what happens. I saw she was dreaming about his imagination in the future. Fuck this is a movie. Were you not listening to me explain my dream earlier? The message of this movie is sometimes God kills your wife so you'll like him back. Yes. All right.

Starting point is 01:27:08 So the road in his save now he wanders off to get back on his path and he finds fire finger. Fire fingers are very happy to see him. Yeah. And he's like, I told you that orchard was going to be fucking great, right? Do you fuck this iron lady? How many tomatoes did you fit? I got, I got like three of the first time. I got five the second time.

Starting point is 01:27:32 How would you do? What'd you do? So yeah, he goes, he turns to fire finger. He's like, we must be close. It's almost the credits. Trust me. I've skipped ahead several times to see. There's only nine minutes left.

Starting point is 01:27:44 I really, I really have been checking on the credits here doing a lot of estimation for how much longer this movie could be. And again, my notes from this point onward are just please be explicitly Jesus under the sea, under the tree. Please be explicitly Jesus under the tree. Because dude, how I'll get to it. I'll get to it. No, it depends so much better. Oh my God, I want that so bad. I bet he'd sell us the rice for the first night. Tents of this movie for nothing. Oh, I have that much change on my desk. Yeah, right. It's just Jim Cavizel. all bloody. All right. So then they come up on the tree from all the movies with a single tree on a hilltop. And he says, ah, there it is.

Starting point is 01:28:34 This is the end of our question. Firefingers like, well, maybe we just hang out here for a while, though. Let's not rush. Come on. What, what have we fucked the tomato lady a few more times? I feel like we're going into this way to pass. What it's to go. Kwan has said just not yet, you know, get your virtue later. It was Augustus, wasn't it? St. Augustine. It was St. Augustine.

Starting point is 01:28:56 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a quiet. I know who we're talking about. He's one of the Ninja Turtles. Yeah, that's it. I want that fucking Ninja Turtle. I want to say Augustine the Ninja Turtle, just a grumpy old bitch. All right. And now, okay. So now we learn that fire finger was actually gaijin fox in a fire finger suit the whole time or whatever. It's time for the main battle. Right.

Starting point is 01:29:25 And he presents with the problem of evil or as I call it, the problem of trevil. Well, of course, yes. And then, oh, I'm sorry, because I wrote main battle time in my notes. And then I had to write, oh, wait, evil, laugh time first, but then main battle time for sure. He's laughing at him like, Kane is trying to buy a house and he didn't get one of a thousand insane questions, right? You need an appraisal and an inspector. Why? Why would you just make a list? It's fine. So and also I love the party where he where the devil, like the Kabuki devil is like,

Starting point is 01:30:02 dude, I'm not like the main devil. I'm second assistant regional supervisor of Southern Los Angeles devil activity. So you fucking getting me. It's the best. No reason the devil has to clarify. I used to be like, well, I am actually contractually obligated to let you know I'm not the devil. I would take the exams yet is all. I'm going to pass them. Yeah, I mean, trust me, like I will have my devil's license by the time I kill you. So I'm really, really, you steal. Are you, are you like the assistant regional devil or second assistant assistant assistant

Starting point is 01:30:39 assistant? It's a branching the second assistant regional supervisor. It's a branching structure, so it doesn't actually work like a conventional workspace. Kind of my own boss. How do conventional workspaces branch? I myself starter. What do you do? I branching mean kind of my own boss.

Starting point is 01:30:59 So. So all right. And then he lays it all out of me. It's like, I wait, I don't get who you are. He goes, I'm you, get it. I'm you. You have to now face yourself. See, and that would not be a pleasant battle for us.

Starting point is 01:31:21 For your final task, you must face yourself. This is dude, I'm gonna fight you in a second, but my stomach is killing me. Yeah, actually that's fine, but when you're done with a bathroom, can I use it? No, actually wait. Uh, I'm getting a health notification. Actually, can you just hurry up because I need to throw up while shitting while tweeting at people I don't like? Well, I'm throwing up while shitting at people I don't like.

Starting point is 01:31:44 Okay, well, when you're done't like well. I'm throwing up while shitting at people I don't like okay. Well when you're done. Okay when I'm done No, fuck you no fuck you fuck you fuck you no fuck you now so so You want to go get tacos or something? Fucking tacos. Yeah, man. You're awesome. That's the great idea. You're awesome.

Starting point is 01:32:06 You are tacos. Burritos. Okay, two thirds of us. Two thirds of us. Yeah, no, because I do that in the mirror and it works out fine. That's how I start myself off. I eat tacos in the mirror all the time.

Starting point is 01:32:22 I'm enjoying it. And we both enjoy it. Anyone else be sure to shirtless eat in the mirror all the time. And we both enjoy it. Anyone else, big string shirtless, he'd in the mirror just being like, would you like a taco? I would like a taco. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, shower for me today. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no So now it's time for him to fight the bad guy sword fight the bad guy, but at the same time We have to cross cut this with something happening in the real world right in the architects universe So what's just like fighting yourself in a ninja universe in the real world? Oh, I just wanted so bad for him to start punching himself in the face Home office or dining room whatever he's doing

Starting point is 01:33:01 I'm in trouble, I'm trapped. I'm trapped his little home office or dining room, whatever he's doing. But no, the best they could come up with, he throws the little totem thing that his mother-in-law put on the mantle that kind of looks like Kabuki guy's face. But yeah, and then he throws his phone into the mirror and pushes over a chair.

Starting point is 01:33:21 Yeah, like varsity blue is like, I don't want your life. Which made, I mean, it's good. But without the amazing athletic talent and amazing acting chops of James Vander Beekers. Right. Not nearly at that level. Yeah. No. And of course, Welles trash in the room. He ends up throwing or tilting the desk, right? Because they like, there's very clearly a small amount of stuff he could break in this room. Oh, and there's stuff he just rocks. And this actor can't do anything hard without key upping. So you know the first thing.

Starting point is 01:33:58 I said, can you just make guy noises, man? Yeah, that's what I'm doing you doing a dragon punch talk over that that little blood that little jar of pencils It's a jar of pencils on your desk. I feel like you're doing it Relax, you get you hurt yourself Yeah, go to the bathroom I mean, yes, I'll poop myself for the rest. You're wearing a white gay man. No, we're wearing a white Now it's red

Starting point is 01:34:50 Oh, it's a yes. So while he was like slightly messing up the room, the Bible falls open to a page. It doesn't matter which one. No. And in the same world, the Ronan has gotten stabbed in the guts in the sword fight. So he's going to die probably except this guy has been stabbed in the guts like eight times already and has been fine. Oh, Jesus came in with a sidekick right now. This would be my favorite movie. Right. He's hovering over him and you just see a sanded foot like smash into the mask from the side. I believe I can fly. So beautiful, sweet Ethiopian looking Jesus just gives them a wink full fizzor kick. I got you. The date is a good day. But no, but the road and falls to the ground and the bad guy summons a fireball and he yells,

Starting point is 01:35:38 your hope is alive. There is no God God is dead. And then he throws his fire at the magic tree. Now something happens here. We don't get to know what it is because they couldn't afford to animate it. Nope. It just looks like the tree is taking photos of the team. Oh, no, that was when the tree farted and shot the fireball back. Oh, it all comes back. It all ties together. I see. So yeah, it's flashy. What's going on? Go fuck yourself the bad guy exploded.

Starting point is 01:36:13 That's the end. That's it. That's the movie. Yeah. Okay. Be Christian now. Go. Yeah, right, right.

Starting point is 01:36:24 Exactly. So first of all, let's stop for a second and consider that our main character is a dude who lost repeatedly to a guy who got his ass kicked by a tree. Let's be perfectly upfront about that. But now Cain picks up the Bible and decides that he can be a Christian and throw away those flowers we've been staring at for so long and doesn't really care about his wife dying anymore. He's pouring some flowers out for his homies. Like what? I wanted like an awkward spill and a long clean up there. He's just like, ah, see this. Stakes I could enjoy

Starting point is 01:36:59 right now. I could love this shower whenever I want. Not now though. Not when I get when I get itchy. So the Ronin is sitting under the tree. It turns out that he was the master of it. Nope, it was God. It was God. He looks up and he's like, God, you alone are my master. There is no other. And now he's not a ronin anymore. I guess he's a samurai for God. Yeah. And then we get the like ending scene for you in Street Fighter. Yes, he walks off into the distance, literally already seeking the next challenge.

Starting point is 01:37:40 Yeah. Because it's very annoying. He means nothing to him. It's the same thing. And I'm just like, oh, I bet this is one of those like Baptist churches you see that go places and vans together, but you never know where that actual church is. Like, this is what they're doing. They're making this movie. Yeah, right.

Starting point is 01:37:58 All right. So even though I almost never closed this bit asking for actual analogies, I did it first and so it still says analogies on the template. So I figure to close things off today, we'd see if we could outdo this movie. Can either of you guys think of an analogy that is worse than the one at the heart of this film? Oh, okay. Okay.

Starting point is 01:38:19 Um, Syrian refugees are like skittles. Um, Oh, one to eat a whole bag at once. I don't know. I was going to go with politely asking a lying will to beast to leave your restaurant is like white's only lunch counter. So it works. It works.

Starting point is 01:38:39 Oh nice. Well done. All right. Well, that's going to do a far review of master list. That's not going to do it for the episode just yet though, because we still need to make it want some more of this buttermilk. So Eli, tell us what's on deck, the unmiracle. Okay, so I've missed you. Oh, Ksorms. Ksorms. He's back. It's hard to believe that there's still one of his we haven't done.

Starting point is 01:39:05 All right. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode one 53 to one merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon dollars out. Make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode on nationupatreon.com slash God off on there by orderly access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us don't believe in this five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms.

Starting point is 01:39:22 And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating area, the citation didn't, the skeptic ride available on iTunes, Stitcher the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows the skating A the citation needed and the skeptic right available on iTunes to turn wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com legal services for this podcast are provided by the law office of P. Andrew Torres Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, NegoVee, with drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audience and your Morgan Clark and was

Starting point is 01:39:42 used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right? Neely, Bostick. I'm no illusions, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. Heath and the tomato themed gaseous siren got into some weird shit with Caspacho. The sequel was awesome. with Caspacho. The sequel was awesome. Kane was all Pakao swoosh-woosh and the ninjas were all like arg and then he was all whoosh-woosh-haya and they were like no Eli lost his job at the hospital I bet mine very actual stage direction in the movie. . I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing.

Starting point is 01:41:06 I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing.

Starting point is 01:41:22 I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I'm going to do a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

Starting point is 01:41:38 I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm a God of the movies live in London. That's a totally different accent. Maybe you're a Jewish guy from London. I don't know. Maybe. God of the movies live in London. Nope.

Starting point is 01:42:13 It's just going to be this. Okay. God of the movies live in London. October 6th. Check the show. And we're back for the break. Hey, that reminds me of some. unplanned outburst. I was just thinking just now.

Starting point is 01:42:32 I had a funny thought. He'd do a four character bit with me. I'm an elevator repair man. Remember that time we're on the apartment in this elevator. You need to save me, elevator repair man. I'm the chief of home. Yeah. Okay. Oh, Jesus. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:42:55 And my notes at this point, like I gave up on writing notes about the movie and just started writing notes on the psychological condition of the writer. My note here was the person who wrote this movie definitely refers to his mom as mom when talking to people he isn't related to. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

God Awful Movies - 153: GAM153: Masterless

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