God Awful Movies - 154: The Unmiracle

Episode Date: July 31, 2018

This week, we team up for an atheist review of The Unmiracle, the story of a few dudes who had enough money for a little Kevin Sorbo, but not a lot. --- To see us live in London in October, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-london-tickets-47591873575 --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Also, by the way, this brother was doing push-ups throughout this entire scene. That's fucking impossible, right? How many push-ups? You can't do 40 push-ups. There's no people can't just do 40 push-ups. That's fucking impossible. Yeah. 40 push-ups, okay.

What is this? Superman, they probably had a machine or something that a jack that they were pushing up and down I did do all the sound in ADRs like a Marvel movie. I don't even know what they bothered and God awful movie Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be my good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. Uh, you know, who's a good actor? Who's that bad actors? If you think there are no bad things. No, like if they go, if you go bad enough, it loops back around like a Pac-Man board. Exactly. Sure. The fuck does. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my my bad for the Eli Vosnik Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am amazing Noah.

I am amazing. I just watched the greatest movie we've done and the greatest movie we'll ever do on this show or the not greatest. Curiously the same. Or it's a tell us Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the unmiracle. It's the story of how the problem with evil is actually the solution of evil. And everyone's tall.

It's, it's these are not the counterapologetics you're looking for. Jedi and I have the move. It's, it's the Burgundy participation ribbon for Christianity as a movie. And a bunch of lies. I have a bunch of those. How amazing was this movie? You can just buy them. You don't even have to participate. It's a fun have to participate. You're not supposed to put those up. I frame them because I want don't. I'm

going to take them down. I'm going to go to your house. Stop it. If I'll trick you into eating two tricks, you do. It's remarkably easy to do. It is. Well, if you love Christian movies, but you're an absurdist filmmaker from the 1980s with memento disease, you will love this movie. You know how they say that like there are certain really great, I'm sure I remember still Alice, I think it was the movie and book that's like a really amazing insight into what it's like to have early onset dementia. It has nothing on the on Miracle. This movie slowly falls apart piece by piece and I'm going to venture something here. This may be the best worst Christian movie we've watched.

It has everything bad acting nonsense plot. Really terrible messages Everything we have watched a hundred and fifty four Christian movies you start to get jaded so when my Bad movie sense is awakened. I know we've watched go. Yes And today we watched real gold Okay, so right away because this one's on Netflix and You should definitely watch if you have any appreciation for terrible movies and why would you be listening to us if you didn't, you should watch this movie. The unmearacle, this is the Netflix description.

The reaction of a small town to the accidental drug overdose of a popular high school girl has explored through seven Andrew woven storylines. Well, we should be clear, the authors of this movie think seven interwoven storylines means this movie has seven characters. One of which might even have a character arc of some sort of a no, no, no. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to say best worst hero slash heroin, which is heroin. The drug heroin is a major protagonist. Another one is mashed potatoes with a gun and a badge and another one in a baby stealing

alcoholic. This will all come together in this movie. We'll get there. You know, when you wrote, when I saw best worst hero in there, I was like, man, there's like at least four different people he might be talking about. Yeah, it's so hard because every moment of this movie is fucking perfect. Okay, so I've got one here that all the Christian, this isn't a word that they must give out at the Christian movie Oscars or something like that. This is one that they all strive for and the unmiracle manages to take it and buy a mile, best worst cancer mom. Yes.

I mean, for no goddamn reason at all, PSI have cancer because I'm the mom. It is the room. Literally that scene in the room where she's like, I've got cancer again. Happens in this movie. It's even the same look in woman. It's amazing. So this one's a little complicated because you got to kind of watch the movie to get it, but I'm going to go with best worst lead billing.

So when you navigate to this on Netflix, you will see that the image for this movie is of Kevin Sorbo and Steven Baldwin, who never meet. So it is a Photoshop of Kevin Sorbo and Steven Baldwin. And they are listed first on the credits for the movie, but Kevin Sorbo and Steven Baldwin are barely in the, I mean, they, they could be technically under fives for this movie, but everything in their credit to the box. So acts like this movie is about them. It's like if all the Marvel movies were promoted, like they starred Stanley.

All right. Well, we've got a lot of interwoven plotlines to get to, I suppose. So we're going to keep the break brief and we come back. We'll sort of away through all the incoherent dead ends that are the unmiracle. Hey everybody, it's me, Steven Baldwin's hairline. You probably haven't noticed me in any of the movies I've been in because I've been hiding more and more each passing day like a summer bin Laden. That's why I'm here to tell you about

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Oh, hey kid, what's up? I'm so excited to meet you. I was wondering if you'd be in my Christian movie. Yes, yes, I will. Oh, I'm sorry, did you say yes? Yep, yep, I am in. What's it called? In fact, you know what? I don't care. I'm in no matter what. Oh, okay. Well, we're going to shoot next month. No, no, no need. Stop selling kid. Got DVD of me saying Jesus words. You just go ahead and

use that. We're all set. Oh, wow. Thanks. Yeah. And you know what? Have this too. It's a DVD of Stephen Baldwin in a hotel room for eight hours. And then he goes to church. So that's, that's everything. Yeah. I think, uh, I think I can maybe use that. Right. For lead billing. I mean, my friends and I are going to do most of the acting so yeah for lead billing lead billing. Yeah, that's what I thought How many people pee on him in this one? Same as normal Check his rider And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start with the most illuminati looking logo

These guys could possibly think of and then we learned that this was based on true events. Yeah. Yeah. The first lot of the movie is Kevin Sober talking. And he says, if you told me 20 years ago, I'd be here talking about the Bible. I would have laughed in your face. And then it says based on a true story. Yes. And then it says based on a true story of Kevin's foreboding career. So I was perkuly's mother fuckers perkuly's 12 laborers. What? Yeah.

Fucking high drug. Get you a hydra. Clean the shit out of a stable. And of course, what we know from our experiences that based on true events is Christian movie for nothing will happen in this film. Ha ha ha. So Kevin is a ballerass high school motivational speaker and I just guarantee you they just had this footage

and based the movie on it. Oh, it's so fucking funny. So he's given this, I used to be a user monologue and they're panning out. The whole time I'm going like, oh my god, he is in the chair backwards. Please tell me he's in the chair backwards. And they finally paid out and no, he's sitting on the front of the desk.

That is the next step up from on the chair backwards, right? Yeah, it's a backwards chair front of the desk standing on the desk. Can we have class outside? That's the official order in teachers who are going through a hard divorce. But the real message here, the real message that underscores the whole thing is that like it seemed bad to me when I was an alcoholic drug addict that got into a car accident landed in jail, but it turned out it was the best thing that ever happened.

Yeah. I just wrote my notes prediction. This movie's message is going to be when you think about it, terrible things that happened are pretty great. Yep. I still have a bunch of herpes, but I found God. You could have found me a little quicker right before the herpes. I love you. I'm just taking a dove, maybe a dove on the windowsill. What a donut for me. Dove with. I loved his rock bottom story, though, where he's, yeah, he's like, yeah,

I crashed my car. Well, I'm in a jail cell, but there were definitely a few outtakes when he was like, I hit rock bottom when fucking Zeno lasted for one more season. It started weeping and that yeah, there's just a lot of real Kevin Sorbo in this. All right. And so then we get some bucolic B roll for the for the opening credits. Yes. The stock footage that Ted Nugent jerks off to all Merck. And now after fucking Kevin Sorbo just gave us an opening monologue about Jesus. Stephen Baldwin is giving us a different opening monologue

about Jesus. We have competing narrators. Anyways, that's my, I'm the narrator. I will see, I got to think and I bet opening God monologues are to Stephen Baldwin and Kevin Sorbo, as winning the fight is to Vin Diesel and the rock. This is a whole big thing. It's just a meeting where everyone's all sweaty and angry. Okay, we've been in here for three and a half hours. What if you both have opening

and closing monologues? Okay. And Sorbo, you get to go first go first, but Steve, you get to go last. So we even it all out. That actually happens. Yeah. That's exactly what happens. Baldwin's his way better though. Baldwin should have won that fight. Oh my God.

That's right. Yeah. I want Steven Baldwin narrating my life. Like he is like, we get afford that. I'm sure we can afford that. I want him right behind me right now. You're talking into a microphone on a podcast like, oh, he's so good.

It would have taken him a lot longer to get that sentence out. But yeah, so that's why you'd need Steven Baldwin. Jesus Christ. And we see like we cut immediately from all these bucala, kai school shots or whatever. Does Steven Baldwin go in full, Steven Baldwin in a bar.

Oh, amazing. It's got a strong three on each arm. That's the best. And again, this Christian movie's version of like the dark life is like a woman in a sleeveless shirt sitting next to Stephen Baldwin. Well, he drinks in a bar and is clearly rich. Yeah. It feels like they told Stephen Baldwin that he was on a reality show about his amazing sex life. And they told him his voiceover was for a different job and they just fucking put him together.

And I don't want to be this guy, but like, if you're rock bottom is having sex with two women, keep digging, man. I like, yeah, good stories out of it. Oh, bore me at fucking Thanksgiving with. And that's when I lost my car. What you lost your fucking good? Get out of here. Call me when you sucked, calm out of a straw that you didn't recognize.

Like, I want some good stuff. It's when the straw is no longer recognizable. That's the line for you. Sometimes you're just going to a good straw come party to celebrate. Oh man, who's straw is this? I need to change my life. This is crazy. You get it, see?

He gets it. Also, is this where we get high school heat filling up her water bottle with vodka? I believe so. Yeah. Okay. Just for the record, pouring vodka into a water bottle to go to high school is not alcoholism. That is called high school. That is judging. Okay. That's on the record now. Also real quick, circling back. Do you think those felching parties are doing a metal straws now? Because of the thing. Some guys like, oh, cold, cold. This is the worst. This is the worst. We're being green. We went green for the party. We said that the worst. All right. So now we're going to meet a totally different character that is neither Kevin

Sorbonne nor Stephen Baldwin. And he's passed out on a couch and he wakes up to war fled to it to movie war PTSD flashbacks. Yeah. Hey, hey, dude, you, uh, you scream in the word medic. That's what happens. And look, I know that this is movie PTSD, but this is the most movie PTSD of any movies. Just like, no matter what happens, this guy farts like punches his own ass hole. Charlie and the bushes. Yeah. So, okay. So this guy is a way.

Yeah. No, as I was watching this, I'm like, fuck me. We're going to have to make fun of a lot of PTSD. I'll make PTSD funny, guys. God. Yeah. But it's their fault, though. It's Kevin Sorbo and Stephen Baldwin's fault.

If you think about it and it does such a funny job. So this is older brother, little brother, who I have is the love child of Matt Damon and the hot lady mouse from secret of NIMM is there to wake him up and get the full brunt of his PTSD, I guess. So and this character, by the way, mouse person, that is Danny, the PTSD brother of his is Mike, who I have as poor man's Ryan Felipe. I have him as poor man's James Vanderbique. Okay. Okay. Interesting.

Does this guy to you guys in any way bear a striking resemblance in fact to David A. R. White? Did you find that? No, he doesn't. Why would you not know? Okay, that's weird. Why do I use that exact language striking resettlements because according to the only item on the IMDB trivia page which was

Clearly submitted by David A.R. White this Chiseled Ryan philope looking actor looks just like David A.R. White weird. They're both in Christian movies. He's so cool. What? Yeah, and I wish it's point out that like Mike cannot act for anything, but he has a spectacularly good looking guy. And therefore doesn't look anything at all like David A.R. White.

He's a spectacularly good looking guy that shaved off all his hair and replaced it with like an American girl doll from the 16th century Germany. Like is it just these weird long ringlets of blonde hair skating over a very masculine face. It's fucking bizarre. He is very beautiful. He's like a boss.shat carpet onto the top of his head. It's very strange, but he likes not bitter. But meanwhile, he's just like drinking whiskey out of a jar for no reason. And it's like, hey, man, you want to use a glass for your breakfast? Whiskey? No, jar, jar, like a known, I'm a jar head, I'm a marine, jar, oh, Jesus.

And then, but also he's got, I don't know what they do this in a lot of movies. He's got crushed up beer cans strewn about his table and people don't crush up beer cans in despair as much as movies. What? Why would you do that? No, okay. So the key action, of course, in this scene, though, is brothers got beers in alcohol and pills all over his apartment, you know, for the, because of the PTSD. And little brother, when, when big brother goes to the bathroom, little brother steals a couple of his pills. Yep.

What is SSRI pills? Yes. You steal those for recreational use. And just the psychotics are the best highs. Let me tell you. Just do not take that a close-up. Can you do that? This party's great. I feel

extra normal. I still have the right amount of serotonin. This is the right best. Like I'm so fucking balanced right now. My mood is so fucking balanced. So all right. So now we got to Danny of the SSRI party and this is we're going to meet Penny Lane, right?

This is Kayla, the drug girl. Oh, girl he's. Yeah. Yeah. She is. Thank you, Eli. I appreciate that. Well, see, now I have all these jokes about how they were going for pretty and missed and

I can't use them because you've dubbed her as girl. Heath and he says, thank you. No, I'm for skipping those. She looks like a cabbage patch doll had a bad 90s. Right. She does. She does. She does. The ex-child movie star of cabbage patch dolls. Right. Like on all the way, growing up garbage pale kid. I get it. Yep. All the way just a garbage person. Okay. Well, I had a good 90s. So she's not baby heath because she looks like you. She's baby heath because she's an alcoholic. So, you know, apparently Danny was stealing these pills for her. And she thanks him with the weird gay dude and a lesbian kiss of Christian movie them.

Oh, they practically gag on the way out. Yeah, yummy. Let's do that again next year. And of course, this is all happening under the backdrop of a Christian imagining of a teenage party, which is always amazing. Oh, they actually had to mute the audio at the beginning of this scene of like keg party talking. They had to mute that because they got it definitely wildly wrong. It was just like, we are defying authority. Bad kid. I'm a bad kid. Bad kid. Bad kid. I didn't know.

I had no idea what to do Bad kid. We've got all the Christian movie stereotypes here. We've got a solo cups of red solo cups of sin of death and bluriness, bluriness. Well, right now, bluriness is a word. Everybody's playing that classic drinking game of everyone drinks all the alcohol they have in front of them. Go, go. They had Stephen Baldwin and Kevin Sorbo in his case. You know, you know someone asked some questions and got some lies in return. Kevin, Steve, thanks so much for coming.

Yeah. In Jesus name, man. Happy to be here. Kevin, Steve, thanks so much for coming. Yeah, in Jesus name, man. Happy to be here. So we're working on the big drug scene at the beginning. I mean, I have some money if you want to play. Steve, no, no. Yeah, so and I hope it's not too far, but I know you guys were big TV and movie stars

and I was wondering. Uh, uh, wondering what he wants an autograph, Kevin. Come here, kid. I'll sign your tits. No, no, stop resisting. No, I want to stop. I wanted to know what, what drugs are like.

Um, yeah, sorry, kiddo. You know, when I was Hercules, I was drug free. No idea. You were? Yep. Totally never did any drugs just good clean Hercules 90s TV show fun. Oh, yeah, yeah, me, me too. Mr. Baldwin. Yeah, I never did no drugs neither. Really, Mr. Baldwin, you never did any drugs. Nope. Straight as Tom Cruise.

Famously, closeted gay man, Steve Tom Cruise is really? And that him in a party once didn't seem gay. Okay. All right. Well, I picked it. I picked it. Yeah. Okay. I don't want to disagree with you, Mr. Baldwin, but you have, you have white powder all over the bottom of your nose, right?

So I was powdered powdered sugar. Yeah, that craft had donuts. Really? Craft service had nose donuts. No, I was there. He ate like eight donuts. Really? Kraft service had nose donuts. No, I was there. He ate like eight donuts. Yep. You know what, I'll just wing it.

I ate this many. That's eight bud. Yeah. This many. Eight fingers. All right, so okay, now Kayla, the penny lane character, she's just going around the putty party doing all the drugs alphabetically. This is where we meet stiletto.

Stiletto! Already, this is the best movie you watch because they have a white villain named stiletto. What race should the villain name stiletto be he let me after 154 movies and what I love about stiletto is okay. So he's basically he's Matthew McConaughey's character from daston confused but with no like self awareness from the writers. Yep. Right. He's just like, oh man, he's so cool. He's 25 and still going to high school parties. Yeah. Yep. And he has enormous lines of Coke on the table. Yes. Yes. Like he was about to make Coke flavored pancakes and a large batch for the whole party. It's over the top. And I don't think they know what cocaine is because it makes him tired and slightly

annoyed and defensive. Millen colleague Coke. Yeah, sure. That, that Coke's really hitting me. I could use a nap in a bubble. Does anybody have any riddle in which is wildly different than cocaine? Because that would be perfect. I would like to trade for some riddle in which is wildly different than cocaine because that would be perfect.

I would like to trade for some riddle in. And that's what happens next. Yeah, no, exactly. Yeah, she, she trades him riddle in for cocaine and, and, and yeah, that's a great deal for him. And then she gets some heroin and heads to the bathroom to overdose to death. Now, we should point out that through most of this party, like all of a sudden Stephen Baldwin cuts in with more monologue. He's like, wait, I wasn't done.

Hold on. You know what else I just remembered about Jesus? Like a box of chocolate. Nope. Can't use that. Come back to me. Come back to me. It's so crazy. He comes in so violently with the narration here too. It's so gross. Like he could dive through the glass of this house into the party and be less interested in giving this weird speech. And here, okay, here's some of the exact words because this needs to be defeated. All of them are amazing. Yeah, please. Okay. He says the blind lead the blind through the dizzying maze of childhood. How easy to revel in the temple of youth, but all the glitters is not gold. I'm going to say that again.

All the glitters is not gold. That is my ringtone by the way. Everything is even more than saying all the glitters is not gold. Being all the glitters is not gold. Some of you, net, please put that into a pillow or a scarf that he can wear. Yeah. All right. So okay. Now Kayla comes out of the bathroom and she's overdosing to death. So everyone starts leaving the party, but like comically, and then stiletto

has to come in and convince the boyfriend not to call 911 over the overdose, right? Which he does as though he's delivering his opening arguments. Aps, dude, she just did a bit too much heroin. You're being a bitch. Don't go the vibe. I'm on all this cocaine and I'm really mellow right now. And so yes, calling the cops would really wreck that for me. But then, but then let out gives he launches into this crazy speech about why it's very specifically they can't call the cops and it makes no sense. He's like, no cops, she'll get arrested and we'll get arrested and

we'll never get into college and also not get financial aid if we did get into college. We're going to country. So, but also in that second scenario, we'll be at college, but we'll have to get campus jobs, which it will mean less time for studying. And then we'll do badly on the else that if we don't really love because we'll have the less time studying in the second scenario where we did get into college. I read the bridge last day we didn't, but it's so fucking because clearly this is this movie's right or thinking what would a budget teenager say if they didn't want

the cops to come financial aid for college. Yeah, exactly. All right. So sometime later the party's cleared out. There's a nerdy kid that we haven't introduced yet. You know how when you're having a big drug party, you invite the nerdy kid who doesn't do drugs to sit there and say things like this party's getting out of hand. He was feeling the designated asshole. Yeah, the designated narc. Yeah, exactly.

So he'd left for some reason to bring somebody home or whatever. He comes back, everyone's left the party, but Danny is still there and he's holding this nearly dead overdose girl on the kitchen floor going, I don't know, let's look all right to you. I was going to eat it, but it's past the date. She might as well be attached to a flatlining heart monitor. What do you think? Turn her on her side. Did you slap her yet? Yeah, right slap date. Don't guide us just what to do. Slapping. Slapping is the number one cause of healing during overdose. And then somebody goes, Hey, did she do that heroin you gave her? And it's like, no, she's just made it appear in my wallet.

She didn't do the drugs at the high school party. She just made it appear. Matt, she did magic. She's making a montage at home with them. Yes. So, but nerd get, he calls the cops. So then we cut to the hospital where instead of like looking something up or asking a doctor, we get this weird overlay audio montage of partial explanations that don't have enough words

to be wrong. And look, can we just give this movie credit where credit is due? The casting of a bad mom in this movie is perfect. This woman looks like every bad mom in the history of bad moms. It's amazing. Oh my God, because I wrote this woman looks exactly like all my high school girlfriends mom. I mean, says a lot about me. The shoe fits have sex with its kids. She's pretty, it's, it's Kim Davis with a bigger mustache. That's what I'm looking at. And then we get this gigantic, perfectly round, Michelin man of a police officer.

Officer, soft pretzel. Oh, he makes me so happy. He's the greatest. It's far of a light if you remember. I don't know about light. Yeah, far of a heavier maybe, if anything. Yeah, he looks like private pile doing mall security. That's the character we're getting.

Oh my god. The greatest. He's so amazing. So he goes in and he's like, hey, can I talk to you about your daughter almost dying? And she's like, you want to arrest my daughter? You want to arrest young children for selling the drugs that just almost killed, but hold on, wait, hold on, I'm mad at you. I'm sure first. Oh fuck. You're gonna put my baby in jail because you can't. She's in this bed. She can't. I can't. I can't.

It wouldn't fit into jail. This scene ends with her being like, you, you're, it's your fault for arresting kids for heroin possession. And he's like, you are right. I am gonna go. I, I did not know that being a cop was gonna involve being yelled at. And he runs off to the bathroom to cry. That's the intro of our hero character. Is he though? Is anyone here? Is there a main character in this film?

Anyway, yeah, so he goes to the bathroom to gather himself together. At one point in this, he slaps himself and he clearly slapped himself a little too hard. Oh my God, it's a, he stops and like calls cut. Oh, is it okay? Is it okay? Is there blood? You're looking in a mirror, man. But is there, is there blood like where I can't see? Because there's parts there's a lot of my face. I can't see guys. Might as well fill up a sock with soap and start hitting himself. Oh, I did liquid soap. This was stupid. It's in my eye. It's definitely in my eye. It didn't hurt as much as it normally would, but now it does afterwards because it You're supposed to do with the hard

soap. So he said the bathroom slap it himself in the face, go and protect it, surf, protect it, surf, protect it, surf. And all of a sudden the nerd kid who called 911 shows up in the bathroom. To do nothing to not get the bathroom. He just walks in and he's like, oh cool. Can you mind if I look in this other part of this mirror? I'm just going to do cool. If I ever walked in on a cop doing this, I would shit myself. All right.

I don't know any harm to man doing this really. Yeah. The guy with the gun is having a breakdown. I'm just going to I wanted him to like tip toe back out of the bathroom. It's like, oh, nobody here but us ghosts. Just start just start sliding his feet out into a wide stance. No, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, we had a thing on, but don't worry, they will. They will. Yes. Yes. Sexual attention. Momentarily, these two characters, and throughout. So the cop drives Aaron home because apparently we're just following whatever character we met last at this point, right? And you know, they're having a totally normal conversation of a full grown man and a child

talking about pussy. Not at all the beginning of a sexual predatory relationship. Oh my, the guy's basically like so, like that Kayla chick. Would you fuck her? I mean, because you're her age. I was her age, I'd fuck her. I'd fuck her. We got any pictures.

She ever sent you like a picture that you could like maybe send me some of her private stuff, like because I'm not, she won't accept my friend request now because she's overdosed. Yeah, so it, but the cop wants him to tell him who gave her the drugs so that he can arrest them for giving her the drugs. And he's like, no, I'm not going to knock out my friends. And his response is I could put you in witness protection. Well, let me just, like, you don't have to fear those kids. We can protect you. Like, yeah, you're going to put a 16 year old. You're going to set them up with a new eye. What the fuck are you talking about?

All right. You're an insurance salesman in Vermont. Now, who sold that non-felonious amount of drugs to that girl? Yeah, right. But then out of nowhere, he becomes like weirdly tough and like a loyal criminal at the same time. Yeah. Like fuck you, Attica, Attica man, Attica. I'm not going to tell you.

I'm not afraid of cops or high school drug king pins. Yeah. No, and then he adds to that, I only fear God. Right. And to prove it, he shows us his ball or as WWJD bracelet. And then we get one of my favorite lines in this whole fucking movie, which is where the cop tertium says, wow, be in a Bible, Thumpur and straight edge can't make you very popular. And I point that out because like the Christians always get the arrow of causality the wrong way

here, right? Like the fact that you already were an asshole is what made you a Bible thumper in straight edge, right? Like anybody who doesn't want to do drugs, that's fine. But when you start telling everybody about all the drugs, you don't do it's because you're an asshole. It's not like this happens to popular people at a certain point, right? Popular guy finds Jesus and suddenly nobody likes him. No, you are already an asshole.

Right. You were already an asshole and the Bible study after school cookies and juice became appealing enough. Yeah, exactly. I'm sorry. Did you say fucking cookies and juice? I am. And a victim. Yeah. So the cop tries to play bad cop with him, but there's just no cracking air in the nerd. Right. Yeah, the cop's like, no, seriously, a girl might die. You should probably tell me about the heroine. He's like, oh, she might die.

Kind of like a certain carpenter died when some cops nailed him to a cross and you did. All right, man, just right. His name was Jesus, maybe you heard of it. All right, man, just right. His name was Jesus may be a hurt of it. Straight on New York Stocks. All right. It's a New York. And then, okay, so he gets him home. And I normally I would just skip over this except that we all have a note about it, about how long the cop watches this kid leave. Oh, I mean, the nine minute long shot shot of the cops eyes following him to his home. Yes

Like the he might as well whistle at him like a cat call and the kids start shaking his ass down the side It's so gross. Me and Heath saw that happen. It happens. Oh me what this is Oh, me? What this is? Oh, it's now this movie is about that cop apparently. So we follow him to his next call. His next call is someone attacked and tried to kidnap their toddler, but they chased him down and got the kid back. Now this will sort of tie into something, but at this point, I'm just right to my notes. Is that what someone shouted in the writers room? And they said, what crime might he respond to next? So kidnapping.

I just, I want to go to an improv show with that motherfucker, right? All right, I need a profession. Kidnapper. Oh, baby kidnapper. I say agent. I heard ice agent baby kidnapper got it. So all right. I say, I heard I say, and baby kidnapper got it. So, all right. So now the fact I has to go really do some cool cap stuff with a gun,

but it turns out that this would be kidnapper is PTSD Mike. What? Right now it's come full circle. You see the, the, the storylines are interwoven now. The Pillsbury cop boy is a, I'm gonna say a little starstruck. His mic from high school is the kid rapper. He's there to arrest. He literally opens it up by this by going, well, I heard you joined the mill. You know, short for military. Are you too lazy

for the a Terry? Oh, and Mike's like, let Terry, yeah, say the whole thing. You're being really like, I tried to kidnap a child about 10 minutes ago and you're somehow creepy right now. So yeah, and there's this really like celebrity moment where he's going, so I mean, I kind of asked you about the snap and kids and should I hate you, but I have to. Again, he's like, I'm so sorry to bring this up. You attack a child because I'm sure I'm doing a great reason and I feel like a fucking asshole for asking. Like, Ah, my job, right? Yeah, so apparently Mike accidentally took his kidnapping meds instead of his PTSD meds.

So he went out grabbing toddlers like you do. It's the most pleasant casual back and forth about a child kidnapping I've ever seen. And you've seen a lot of really, but I had a really, yeah, I mean, like most people that wouldn't be a big deal, but for Eli, it really is. Me and Jay's woods, yeah. And by pleasant, you just mean silence. We're done. It was just like, I heard you tried to kidnap a child. Yep. Okay. Okay, Maryline apparently. So so well you're you're a wrestler right? The interaction actually goes like this, uh, did you try to kidnap a child? Yeah Soldiers are heroes directly to camera. Yeah Is this okay? Well, I'm gonna go. You promised that to Kynch-Nev. Anybody seriously, though, I got to know if you're gonna do that.

And then Mike falls asleep and the cop and the cop salutes him. Salutes his sleeping body. I wrote my notes. I can hear Noah laughing for the fear. Well, then he stands there for a really long fucking time. Like eight percent of this movie to this point is a fat guy staring at people for a long time after the scene is over. I thought he was going to start to sing like in a dick girl. Did you see what I'm a straw? A metal straw. Please. We're going to leave about handicapped people. And because we saw him fall asleep, we must now watch Mike wake up.

Danny's waking him up, but you know, because of the PSD, he's waking him up by poking him with a long stick. Right, but he has like nine-step PTSD. He's like, oh, wake up. Grab the long stick. Right, but he has like nine step PTSD's like, wake up, grab the hockey stick, trip you with the tip throw. Make myself a quick breakfast, eat a quick breakfast. Ah, and then like just before he does damage, he's like, oh, sorry, it was my lightning quick reflexes that involved taking two pills and having a quick ex-penetrating. Yeah. Yeah. With a Marine with PTSD says, hey, wake me up with a stick because that's safer.

Maybe like don't use a rifle with a bayonet to poke more like maybe use a pillow or some any other like just dangling. No, no. Shucks on his face trying to take him with the pan of a grenade like no, yeah, but Danny's there to see if he wants to come to church ostensibly, but he's really there to ask for some brotherly advice. And he gives this stupid fucking, I've got a friend who did a stupid thing and someone got hurt, but there are no details.

Question mark. Oh my God. The casual so Tuesdays, right? When your girlfriend Odise on her in. No. It's the you. It's the best. I love how long it took Big Brother Marine to understand the story because it was like,

yeah, my girlfriend got pretty wasted and he's like, nice, nice. No, no, but like, I mean, sloppy. Like it was, it was, it was really gross. Nice. Sloppy. Wasted. Peek on her hair, wasted. No, no, she went to the hospital.

She went to the hospital. Wow. Hospital said. What? You're f**kering the bed. No, no. No. He does indicate that he used to date rape people, right?

He's like, oh, I remember her older sister. She got so wasted one time. I'll tell you that story later. I don't want to know who like, sorry. Is that story about date rape? Yeah, I can feel like it. I'm really not explaining this well. I feel like it's overdosed on heroin to date rip. It's not clear what I'm saying.

It's bad brother, you need to understand. The question is, did I rape here? So I don't want. But eventually the brother realizes that there's some need for brotherly advice. So he follows up the meaningless non-question with a meaningless non-answer, right? He just gives this, there's a thing in the Marines that we call honor and honor is a word that starts with, hey, shit is followed by an, oh, do you know what I mean? And that like, he goes on like that for like three or four fucking minutes. And then during this, this talk about courage and honor

and other military words, we see like the fat cop pulling out his old, what would Jesus do bracelet and the nerd kid praying? Because look, being a soldier is like wearing a bracelet and talking to your invisible friends. Now, I will say that this is the most realistic part of the movie, which is sitting next to a marine who is talking about something you don't understand at all, but you're aware they're mentally ill so you want to let him finish the most accurate.

Yeah, man, fucking my lie. Absolutely born in 87 my lie. So why I think and I think the movies trying to say that Christians are like Marines, like they go through the same tough thing as Marines and the Christians live by a code, just like Marines, like, but what's actually being said is Christians are soldiers with PTSD from a war they made up. Like the PTSD from the war on Christmas is what I'm getting from this. Yes, exactly.

Also, by the way, this brother was doing push-ups throughout this entire scene. That's fucking impossible, right? You can't do 40 push-ups. There's no people can can't do 40 push-ups. There's no people can't just do 40 push-ups. That's fucking impossible. Yeah. 40 push-ups, okay. What are you talking about?

They probably had a machine or something, and a jack that they were pushing up and down and do all the sound in ADRs, like a Marvel movie. I don't even know what they bothered. And then we got it. to Steven Baldwin lying in bed. Steven Baldwin. I can describe it. No other way. He's supposed to be sleeping, right? And you know, there was a whole big conversation where they kept going, Steven, no, like you're sleeping like this, like this. No, like you're sleeping. No, like this. I don't do you sleep with your shoes on your

feet pointed straight up in the air and you got damn mouth wide open. Yes, you never know when Alex gonna call and ask me to be in a movie with me. Man, man, man, man, man. Yeah, you do. Zzzz. Man, you know, I wrote my notes as we're watching this like zoom in on him with his silly little monologue. I was like, this man has no orifice that a fly could crawl into that would guarantee a reaction, right? Okay.

But what was happening here? So they're showing us. This is crazy. They're showing us his dream, I think. Yes, right? Okay. Was he not having a dream about little demon girls setting up a Christmas tree in a field right before he abducted them?

I mean, there was no other way. And he's narrating that with nonsense slam poetry that he clearly wrote and insisted on being in the movie. Oh, I'm going to go ahead and guess guess Steve Baldwin somehow got a hold of the footage for this movie and just inserted this. At one point, we have footage of Stephen Baldwin, the actor, just lost in front of a green screen. I promise.

He's just like, but you said there'd be pictures. Steve, there would be pictures everywhere. No pictures. I could see it's just green. Steve, there'd be pictures No pictures I could see it's just green Steve there will be pictures There's no pictures With the fuck is that guy in the unit hard If I can make my body move at normal speed I cannot Are you here for my birthday? So it's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad.

It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad.

It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. It's so change. That's what I'm pretty sure of you. I ran into Stephen Baldwin. You can call. Yeah. So Stephen Baldwin gets done dreaming that he was in a Terence Malik movie. And

then we cut to Danny, go into the police to knock out all his friends. Now, before he comes in, he's like, hi, I want to turn myself in for a crime and they're like, we are busy. So you sit there for a minute. We're in no hurry for that. There must be a hell of a line to turn yourself in for Sarah and heroin. She's just like, okay, sir,

sir, I need you to take a number and then go sit over there, sir. Do you have your form 384Y? Well, then you need to go and then go sit over there, sir. Do you have your form 384? Why? Well, then you need to go to the back of the line, sir. No, I cannot wait for you to fill it out. Do you have eight forms of ID? No, eight forms of ID.

What would those be? Can you name those? All right. So, but meanwhile, while he's waiting to turn himself in, McKenzie, officer doleboy is getting chewed out for not copying hard enough in one of the greatest dialogues ever. Oh my gosh. Before film.

He needs to bust more high school parties. Yeah. And but it starts with like, Hey, man. So I'm the chief and I need to talk to you about something. Did you deal with the child assault or slash attempted kidnapper? And he's like, yeah, nah, he's he's going, he's sleeping it off. He's sleeping off. Yes.

Okay. He's sleeping off the child assault and kidnapping. Uh, yes. Okay. I just want to repeat the words again. So you hear that? You're a police officer. I'm a police officer. I'm your boss. You let a child assault to go with a friendly warning. Did you? Did you give him a nookie? I did. No, get out. You get you're the worst. Well, and we should point out that there is, there are so many good ways you could chew

out a cop for like, you know, giving somebody a firm morning for the kidnapping. This guy doesn't manage to find one of them though. Uh, is one of them painting a word picture of their future friendship? I took this to go right. It got real weird real quick. Get the marshmallows out of your face aside because we're going to get to that, right? That's a line in this movie. That aside, he paints this guy the most bizarre sexual ways. Like we're going to end up in the unemployment line together, Mackenzie, is that what you want? You want to live

our lives in that way? Like This cop has very weird motivation tactics. Sir, it was just a misunderstanding. Oh, it better be, because if it's not, you and I are going to be on the line for this. Oh, I get it, I get it, I get it, sorry. And then you and I are going to lose our jobs. No, I know, I know, I'm very, very sorry about that. No, no. No, no, no, we're going to sit in an unemployment line together. We're going to go for lunches and talk about the good old days. Finally, after a hard workout one day in

the showers, I'll notice you staring. Or maybe I'll just hope I notice either way. I'll feel feelings I've never felt before. Mackenzie, I'm, I'm sorry. What? We'll go back to your place. The usual excuses have a few beers hang out, but we'll both know why we're going to tension hanging in the air between us like a promise, and then we'll make love Mackenzie. We'll make love in a way that'll help you understand why it's called making love. No, we're awkward fumbling or wondering why it doesn't feel right. Just two bodies joined as one. Do you understand Mackenzie?

Okay. This is, uh, in the next morning, I'm going to leave without saying a word. I mean, you, uh, this is the next morning. I'm going to leave without saying a word. I mean, you'll text, but I won't answer and sure eventually I'll come to accept my sexuality and I'll know I'll have you to thank for it, but I'll never get up the courage to tell you an apologize, Mackenzie. And then years later, when I'm with a real partner, a partner, our connection helped me find we'll run into each other.

We'll lock eyes. We'll both know. We'll both look away. Is that what you want, Mackenzie? Uh, no, sir, I don't want to lose my job, help you discover your sexuality and then be ghosted by you. Is that the scenario? Did get your ass out of my office. You give weird pep talks. That was one of my favorite, like all the doodly dudes I've ever read Eli, that was one of my favorites. I can't believe you got through that with a straight face. Well done,

sir. So anyway, like you were saying before the doodly do one of the lines in this film is the chief turning to officer Pudge and saying and I quote, get the marshmallows out of your face and make some arrests. It's like this is serious. Get those marshmallows out of your face. You can't, you can't yell those two sentences back to back. Like you think that doesn't work. In a boss yelling situation.

I just wanted to cut to him. He's got a bunch of marshmallows in his face. Oh, okay. He's playing Chubby Bunny while he's talking to him. What are got point to? You said that because I want. And guess we will be playing Chubby Bunny at the London live show. No, we will.

And I'm going to eat a bunch of marshmallows. Well, yeah, there will be that. It won't be that every day is Chubby Bunny when you're mean. I always win. So they've got said so he finishes chewing them up, but he has to chase him down and chew them out some more so that as the officer McKenzie, the fat cop is walking out into the waiting room. Danny can overhear him say and find out where that Kayla girl got the drugs. If she dies, we'll charge whoever that is with homicide. I'm sorry, son, did you want to turn yourself for in for something? He's like, no, I did, I did not want to reveal a major plot point right outside of my police

officers off. I'll do a stage whisper. This is a homicide. Don't, don't tell any main character. Hey, kid kid, kid come here. He's a little bit further away from me. Will you go tell him that it's homicide if the girl dies? So Danny runs off to the random patch of forest where Dino lives. I thought I'd find you here at this beaver dam. What? He's hiding on top of a pot. Yeah, basically

a beaver. It's a giant pile of wood. Like somebody wrote the woods as a setting note. And this is what they came up with. They were like the woods. We probably a lot of wood. Like he might as well be dressed up like a stump to hide in the wood pile. It's so dumb. up to hide in the wood pile. It's so dumb. And then, okay, and now still let us show us up because apparently everyone knows this is the beaver dam to be at when you're hiding from the cops. And the, by the way, there is this amazing warrior who goes, I gave her some of my brother's pills and he's just acting his heart out. And Dino, who I call thin, stranger things or thinner things who goes, you're brother has pills like he's just like, how many milligrams like do you know what he's

charging for? You know what we'll talk about. But I love their reaction when when Stiletto first pulls out his knife, he's like, okay, we're taking the blood of it and then he actually pulls out a knife. They're like, oh, you met literally blood? Like are we, are we building a three-fourth with no girls allowed to fuck something? Why don't we all just agree? Is that okay? Can we all just agree?

You know, I can still lie to you even if our blood mix, right? Okay, don't you have hepatitis? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. For Hins.com., Cesar's it's cool. So all right. So now's to let it goes to fuck up that nerd kid, right? To rattle him a little bit to make sure he's not going to narc. Yeah, but it doesn't work because he's hard as fucking nails. The nails that crucified our savior, right? fucking nails. The nails that crucified our savior, right? Yeah. So and then of course, just as he's got him up against the wall, the cop shows up,

right? The fat cop shows up. So still, let him have to let him go. And the cop is like, I'm sorry, man, did you want to finish getting beat up? I didn't want to. It's the best. He's like, was I interrupting anything? And is like, yeah, an assault? Or a fucking cop? No, I mean, we all the cops, we were huddled around our main character radar. And we just saw three of you right here. We figured a few to the forest with the beaver dam. So here we are. I was pretty obvious. So a few days before as we knew you'd have. Yeah, I was. We had to rate our stuff.

But then, but then the not kid comes up to the window of the cop car like weirdly flirty. Was he not? Yes. Oh, absolutely creep like this. And this again, this keeps going throughout the movie, but he's like, hello officer Bob. Did you, you come to this curb spot off? I feel like he's going to start talking about how much money he can loan him for a blowjob. It was very. Also, this whole scene is super flirty, right? He's like, my boss told me to lie to

you about like getting you to tell me about the drugs, but you're just so awesome. So I got a bracelet. So we match like it. It's done. There were that matching couple or is it like cute? I don't know. So it's like, isn't that's not bad enough? Like they start off talking like the kids leaning into the car window and talking. But then like all of a sudden, they're both like leaned over the top of the car. And you can only see the tops of their faces and it's this little cutesy thing going on between it. It's bizarrely sexual. They might as well be lying on the hood of the car looking up at the stars.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah, searching. It's such a violent cut, too. And then like different impossible, flirty poses mid sentence, like then the cops just like dropping down upside down, like spider man and the kids. So like. All right, and so now it's time to check it.

You remember Kayla's mom, that very important character you were probably one. One of them was going on with her. Yeah, so we cut to the hospital and now Kale's sister is showing up because we need more characters in this movie. And you could tell Cassie's bad because she has dyed hair and a nose and a nose. She is nose ring wild y'all. Teardrop tattoos.

He learned out face bad guy scarring. Yeah, exactly. And the mom turns to her and she says, oh my goodness, Kayla took every drug in the book. Cassie, I'm like, you guys need a bigger book and drugs. Okay. Every drug in the book, everyone baby, laxative, bedadrill, bedsaic. I will bedadrill, we'll fuck you right up. But yeah, yeah. So, yeah, and of course they also talk about a strange to dad here because we need to allude to yet another character. Yeah, deadbeat dad hasn't picked up the phone in five years.

We're going to find out that's Baldwin later. Yeah. But I just wanted to like cut to find out that's Baldwin later. Yeah. But I just wanted to like cut to Baldwin in that field chasing the demon girls. He just like stops to pick up his cell phone, but he can't get. No bars running up little hills. And she asked if Cassie wants to call him. She's like, maybe you call him. He molested you.

So like maybe he has to think for I asked him a thing for you. Oh, God. All right. And then we cut from there to to dinner with Danny, but PTSD Mike hasn't shown up, even though mom left a place for him. Oh, instead he's at his apartment and fat cop shows up to ask him out on a date.

Oh my God. This cop is if my citation needed character came to life and joined the police force. I got it. I got it. I got us these best friend places. Stupid. Stupid. He is literally the Chris Farley interview sketch.

Yes. You remember? Remember when you did that? He is literally the Chris Farley interview sketch. Remember, remember when you did that. Remember when you were in Afghanistan. Sorry, stupid. It's stupid. It's stupid. It's stupid. It's stupid.

It's stupid. Sorry. So yeah, so after a very awkward time at the door, they decided to go on a date together to a bar so they could relive their old wrestling glory days. And I love how PTSD guy sort of opens up to cop guy. He's like, so how do you end up a cop instead of hanging yourself? You know, because that seems like the path you were on, not a full page, not a full page

in the yearbook, but maybe a dedication. But we learned that Fat Cop became a cop because he got beat up a lot in school. That's the most realistic moment in any Christian movie we've ever watched. But it's aproposal fucking nutty. He's like, hey man, so why'd you become a cop? They put bees in my underwear. Cool. Cool. Cool.

Cool. He actually says, I got bullied. Kids put mud in my hair, then a teacher showed up and put more mud in my hair. That was sad. I wanted a bunch of cops to run and into the bar and put mud in his hair. Just like arrest the kid of solver, you fat fuck. What do you do? Oh, guys, guys. Eventually, he says, well, I feel like we've moved into anti-plot territory. So instead of my back story, why don't you tell me about yours? And, and then he just PTSDs a bit. Okay, but he transitions to it because he's like,

hey man, like you were the one who stood up for me when all the people bullied me and I love you. Not just leans in, sorry, I had got it, I guess stop doing that. Not gonna say anything back, cool. So how'd you become a soldier? Like, change subject, subject change. And then all of a sudden, like the room grows smokier

and more seepia toned and Mike starts going, I killed motherfuckers. I killed them to death. I killed the life out of their lives. And his responses, thank you on behalf of America. What is the point of this stupid fucking scene? To make me the happiest, I physically can make me capable of being. No, no, no, that's the next part of this scene when Eric the drunk walks up to irritate PTSD

Mike. Oh my God. He's the, hey man, I heard you were in a rack. Did you kill a guy? What question? What does a body look like in the moon like? Can you tell you? Let me see your little PTSD.

Come on man, just a little, just to see how it feels. Free go. Free go. How many nips did you kill? Come on man. man just a little just to see how it feels. Freak out. Freak out. How many nips did you kill? Come on, man. What I like you when you're angry. Tell me about white phosphorus and how you killed villages full of children. It's so fucked up.

Yeah. This character is just he's just naming triggers for veterans. That's an entire. You might as well sneak up behind him like Homer Simpson like, hey, you want to see my new chance? Oh, sorry. Sorry. So so my ghost full PTSD, which according to this actor's choices means yelling like an

angry rich lady that I told the fuck herself at a Toys of Russ once. And and and then he punches the guy with slow motion like he's painting a stripe along something or whatever. The guy falls down. His friend goes to his knees and says, dude, and I quote, you broke his face. You broke his face. Doctor. He actually says shoot. Yeah, that was the actual line. Oh man, his face is broken. I liked that face. I was going to take his face. So

lost her. So crack it and chubs get the fuck out of there. And then they have the weirdest, most unrelated, yelling conversations you can imagine. Oh my God. It's the bed. First of all, he chases him for a solid seven minutes with fat cop trying to keep up with him without having a harder tack and be grab him like a New Jersey couple that just got in a fight at the cheesecake factory. And then when he finally catches him, he goes, look, maybe I never killed anybody, but punching his rod. Like, maybe I never, what did I, this is where the movie's plot starts to like unseem like a universe falling apart in a time machine movie. Yeah. Well, that's the fucking thing, right? Because if he at least said that, it would make sense.

They start having this and completely unrelated conversation. Eventually it's about God, but before I get to God, the actual line from PTSD Mike is, and I quote, you haven't earned me the respect to tell me anything about my life or what I've done or who I've seen. Who I've seen. What? I saw John Denver at an arby. It's a little spissory by the fucker. You don't know who I've seen. And then John, I don't ever fucking know where. Old John, then. And then out of fucking nowhere, he's like, you know what, there is a God and he doesn't care about us.

What? Who was talking about this? Nobody. He's just like a apropos of nothing. God is real and he hates me personally. What have the fuck did any of this movie come from? And I've got to say, look, I mean, I don't mean to make light of PTSD. I know that's a very serious problem and I've never been in combat, but it can't be worse than watching this actor try

to do Rambo Shoe Shine Boy speech from first blood cannon can it also we're not making fun of PTSD Pretty sure PTSD is not like soap box monologues about the problem of So, yeah. So, yeah. So Mike runs him off, right? He's like, go away from me. All right. Are you gonna break a baby's face? He's like throwing rocks at the cop like old gallery. He's like, I'm gonna sit here shivering, be in crazy. Yeah, right. And then Steven Baldwin is there to be artsy again. By the way, Steven Bowman, every time we see him, he has like a Casio ambiance soundtrack going behind him. And this is where we see him waking up to his morning line of cocaine.

Cause you know what cocaine addicts love to do more than anything. It's caught up giant lines of cocaine and then not immediately snort the save them for later, right? You know what? This is a morning coke line. I can tell already I'm gonna wake up. Coking and cut it up. Yes.

Like he's got some crack baking up on a coffee machine timer. Like what? And I swear, like at a certain point in this monologue, I started to wonder if Steven Baldwin expected me to answer. Right. Like he's acting like he's like, what are you going to, you're not okay. I'm just going to do the whole fucking thing. All right.

Fine. Oh, I wrote, I feel like Steven Baldwin is trying not okay. I'm just gonna do the whole fucking thing. All right, fine. Oh, I wrote, I feel like Steven Baldwin is trying to sleep with me at a party in the 80s. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Similarly, I have more coke in my room. Great. Great. Let's do. Okay. Let's do that. What if we thought we knew all about ourselves, but it turned out our brother really was that much more talented than me. Wait, is that the line? That's what I want to say. At one point, he uses the term. He says, or is God an infinite void of nothingness? If you say void of you your already digging yourself out of a hole with the next word, right? Jesus. I feel like Baldwin just stood outside an ex-girlfriend's house with a boom box

and a glass. Several times in his life. All right, well, there's only so much linguistic butchery. I can stomach all at once. I'm going to need a quick break. But first, let me give act three of the hard sell. Will Kayla recover from her coma? Who is the main character? What is the plot? Find out the answers to these questions and more. We'll return for the exponentially stupider conclusion of the unmiracle. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick, professional friend who freaks out and ruins the party. Has this ever happened to you? Dude, you sure there isn't like anything in this weed, like crack or something?

Yes, I'm sure nobody gave us free crack in our weed. Okay, but are you sure though? Yes, then I've got a movie for you, the unmiracle. Sure, it's been most of the movie talking about Jesus or something blah, blah, blah, You sure though? Yes. Then I've got a movie for you, the un-miracle. Sure, it's been most of the movie talking about Jesus or something blah, blah, blah, but it's real message is that you are right to be freaking out. There was something in that weed. Everyone is mad at you, and that sound you just heard totally was the cops.

Well, you just tell me why you're mad. I know you're mad. I'm not mad. Just tell me why you're mad. Just tell me. mad. I'm not mad. Just tell me why you're mad. Just tell me. Okay I'm mad because you just yelled at my ear knew it see The unmearacle I'm gonna take off my shirt. Don't take off your shirt taking off my shirt Hey, podcast listener. It's me God God of Pug of Peg of Gwen. Do you like Jean Claude Van Dam?

Do you like Dennis Rodman? How about scuba gums? Secret retirement homes full of spies and Mickey Rook before he looked like a shade to us. Well, then your love at July secular bonus episode exclusively for Gam Patrons. Just listen to what you're missing. And can we talk about how sad his cocaine body is? You can see all of his veins like spelling out the word help rearrange it.

I just love the idea that one guy's got a clean guns, one guy's got a load ammunition, the other guy's got to go down to the dollhouse store. You have anything I can make a little tiny rollercoaster out of. And the Ferris wheel, come on Dave, don't fuck me on this. This is for the government. He's jailed. Commando spies are allegedly the last line of defense against global terrorism. And by the way, this was 1997.

So great fucking job with that. Great job. I'm pretty sure Vandam believes in real life that he makes. Half bomb, half baby. He really kicks this tiger, right? So if you'd like access to that and 24 other bonus episodes head over to patreon.com slash God awful and bitches as little as a dollar a show. You'll get the bonus episodes every month, the 25 bonus episodes we've already recorded, a version of the show with all the commercials at the end so you don't got to hear them

if you don't want to. Plus, and beat three downloads of all the songs we do. Throw us a little bit more. You could get free Christian movie bingo cards, the IP tickets to our live shows and more. So if you want to hear what happens when Jean Claude Van Dam Van Dam punches a lion head over to patreon.com slash God awful Patreon if you don't give us money, we will literally stop to death. Still got some Baker bucket left. Ooh.

So yeah, we'll starve to death. Even I won't eat that. K. K. Even I will need that And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna pick up the action with error the nerd swinging by Dino's place to Adopt him and make him his own Yep, and there's this great moment right? He goes to the front door Dino comes to the front door opens it and he goes I

Heard you were missing. Are you? What? What? Dude, I was like, no, I'm here. I'm here. I don't know what to tell you. This is bad, right?

Yes, no, shit. All right, so Dino invites Aaron in. And apparently we're supposed to know this, I guess, or into it this that Aaron and Dino are not friends. Dino is just some kid that bullies him, but Aaron's worried about it because he's such a good Christian. So he walks into Dino's house, which is of course filled with the red solo cups of sin and all the detritus of teenage parties.

You mean the empty vegetable party platter? I do! This means this guy brought heroin and a party platter for the party. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You wouldn't want to be unhealthy about this party of heroin. You're right. It's broccoli. Yeah, a couple of different dips there too. Yeah, holy fucking shit. And there's no like, there's no bongs or anything like this. This is a drug movie. It's about, but no, they brought a goddamn cheese plate to a fucking heroin party. Okay.

Anyway, yeah, but his parents aren't around because he's a bad kid and they just, like, they're just permanently going to the point where apparently what they've left him without food? Yup. Because Aaron's like, do you want to eat a meal? He's like, oh, I could really go for a meal, but I don't have parents. So I have no way of obtaining food.

Sussonance. I'm a heroin dealer. Can you convert money into food somehow? So I'm gonna do that. I don't know. My parents never explained it to me. I've got to be honest. I'm running out of beavers at the dam.

And I tried eating the money itself, but I don't. Right. So the nerd kid Aaron offers him a place to crash at his house with with parents and I mean, he's like, and Dino is like, no, man, I, I have this entire house to myself. We're in high school. This is like the greatest thing that can happen. I have a heroin party every day. That's the best. Yeah. He's like, no, I mean, if you ever want some adult supervision, feel free to stop by. Yeah. Right. But, but no, in this stupid fucking movie, Dino is so excited to have some like structure in Jesus in his life.

And he's like, yes, I will now go live with you. Sixty year old who's offered me a place to stay. It is home indefinitely. And then on the way out, he's like, oh, hey, man, sorry about beating you up for the last 11 years in school. And Aaron's like, it's cool. Don't worry about it. That's cool. Party fell. Hey, man, you want to take a walk and talk about manslaughter together? I want that. I would like. I like that. I have to ask because they're going from Dino's house to Aaron's house. Did they live in a video game map? Why are all their homes connected by

weird forest paths and shit? A lazy video game where you got to retrace a bunch of shit designers couldn't make new levels. Oh, really, the boss here is the same guy, but it's red fuck you. And right now, this is the moment in the movie where I realized that this film is about how all the cool kids are going to think you're pretty awesome eventually for all that loving Jesus and not doing drugs that you did. Oh, yeah, because the least subtly possible is like, hey man, just just for the record, you are really cool. So if anyone watching this movie isn't clear, it's cool. Yeah, exactly.

And he's like, how is it that you're so awesome and cool? And he's like, it's Jesus. And Dean is like, yeah, I know I get it. I get it. And then he goes into the writer of this movie, making his point, right? Like we've gotten to the moment where the writer can really lay out his argument for Jesus, which includes the, no, I'm sorry, opens with the words logic is overrated. I believe in something higher. Yeah, that's where we're starting. We're starting it logic is overrated ultra logic. Yes. It's a buzz hyper logic. What? He goes at one point. He's like, contradictions are okay in a paradoxical universe. And I'm like, you're right in a world that cannot even

be logically imagined. Your religion makes sense. Well done. Well argued, sir. Hitchens got nothing on you. Contradictions are cool because I said the word paradox in my last sentence. Makes it everything is real. Nothing is real. Trying to fuck Stephen Baldwin. You don't have to try hard. You don't have. I put none. You don't have to try hard. You don't have. I'm putting on uggs and just some lines. So then we get sort of, and again, this is the whole point of the movie, right? This is what we've been building to in this whole time. Cause Dino goes, do you believe in miracles and Aaron goes, I believe in unmiracles.

And he says, what's that? He's like, it's the name of the movie, man. What the fuck? You're talking about the movie. Obviously, because we couldn't call the movie when something terrible happens. It's your fault. Yes. Yes. An unmiracle is like when God does some evil as fuck, like murder in a baby with cancer, and then you think about it really hard and you realize it was really you that created leukemia. What? What? Yup.

God makes no sense. So if you think about it, that way he does make sense. There are people. The argument from opposite day. Yup. You know, the stuff atheists say that they're always wrong. They're correct however

Oh, oh you're done. Yeah I was expecting them to just read out the ellipses at the end of his point It's a paradox earlier. So however, so they're wrong at the end all right now we get the weirdest and most useless scene in this movie. We found this is baddest dude in Wisconsin, y'all. This is the best. This is where I was like, oh, this is an amazing movie, right? Because we watch a lot of movies that are bad. And this is this scene where the movie was just like, no, we're the best. Alright, so let's start by meeting our magical black lady, who will also be the only character

of color in this entire film. At all. And she will chirp nothing but black stereotypes. Mm girl, when did I see you last? Would you like some sweet potatoes? You know my man. Yeah, oh, first. You might as well be like an escaped animatronic from the small world after all, right?

I'm not convinced. And she's gonna talk to O.D. girls mom, right? She's so O.D. girls mom, right? She's, so O.D. girls mom walks in and she sees magical black lady, they know each other. And she's like, oh, we sure haven't seen you in church in a long time. I smell atheism upon you. He he he.

And she apropos, nothing. Bad girl moms just like, yeah, well, you know, I have cancer. What? Because why the fuck not? Her response by the way to I have cancer is immediately as I'm telling you this is a test. Yep, yep, because God sometimes kills your kids and gives you cancer because you such the good guy. The mom has this amazing line in here. She goes, I understand that.

I really do. I just don't understand. What? Or is it the movie? That's the way this is. Or is it the movie? Yeah. the way this is or is it the movie? Yeah, no, hell yeah, hell yeah, you nailed it. And then they just, they start saying grace back and forth,

like four thumbs body listing shrimp dishes. It's the fucking bass. They literally say it. I think like conservatively a dozen times each. Oh, absolutely. It's like a state of grace. Let me repeat that. A state of grace.

Did you say a state of grace? Grace and the grace. Grace Hopper. Great. Grace. I don't know. You go, you go. Grace, grace putting.

Grace is high. Grace is high. Grace is high. Great. Amazing grace. Oh, great. That's great. Grace is high. Grace is high. Grace is high. Great. Amazing Grace. Oh, great. Oh, great. Grace and Frankie.

Frankie, in the four seasons, season to the 525,000. Great. All right. Grace and Ademy. It's like when we get the ad copy that we have to read at the end of our ads and they've put in one extra thing so we can never make it sound natural. It's like, beach body on demand beach body on demand.

Beach body. All right. So now we cut to the cops and they're wrapping up the interrogation of stiletto, the cocaine kid, right? They're interrogating him and his lawyer. But there's this long moment where these actors don't know whether the cameras rolling yet or not. Honestly, we cut to Aaron and Dino sitting in a candlelit room, either eating acid or fucking each other or both. Like when else would you ever be in this room with a person? Why would you light a dozen candles if you're not going to fuck and it's crazy sexual. He's like, say it. There's this way. He's like, I'm, I'm jumping ahead. I'm jumping ahead. He says,

you know who that voice in your head is? And he's like, yeah. And he's like, say it. He's like, I can't. He's like, say it. It's the fucking. I was sexually uncomfortable. And that is saying a lot. And also the point is that the voice in the back of your head is Jesus talking to you. And I'm like, wow, Jesus thinks that I should be watching poor and well, I'm trying to get through this movie a lot.

Yeah, I wrote, Jesus thinks a lot of mean stuff about my wife's friends. You're crying again? Jesus, you did a sit-up every time you cried. Oh, Jesus. Listen to the voice in the back, your head. He just walks out and helps the marine guy kidnap a child. Oh, okay.

That's not go well. But yeah, it's just say it say Jesus say Jesus. No, I don't. I don't like the whole, the whole scene could be asking for anal. The dialogue could be exactly the same. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but, but this is, I guess, Dino getting off the drugs because at the end, we see him. He's got those three, etc. But he's not going to take him, dammit. And then Danny calls, right? Danny calls Aaron the nerd and he's like, Hey, man, stiletto needs to see Dino. I hope you're keeping up, guys. And because honestly, when was the last time we mentioned Danny? Right?

You forgot about him. He used PTSD, Mike's little brother that gave the girl the drugs that later out. She's one of the three people anyway So yeah, so Danny calls and he's like hey me and still let O need to see Dino and we heard that you adopted Dino And he's at your house now, right? Can we come over in the semi dark and talk this out? What the fuck this whole scene's in the like, why would they not turn out a light to talk to each other in a building? It's so stupid. And at one point, they have to be like, kill the lights, somebody's coming, but they're already in the dark. Yes. They have to then

hit a switch, have nothing happen, make a weird awkward editing cut and go back to the same darkness that they were already in. And apparently they have a light switch that operates a very dim bulb on the ground. Yeah. Right. So instead of, Dino doesn't come. Aaron shows up and said, he's like, look, Dino's cleaned up and stuff. So we didn't, didn't overdose

or murder or whatever. That doesn't, that's in the past. But still, let away here in that shit because he thinks Aaron's in dark. So he pulls out a knife. It is not a stilletto, though. I mean, finally, as a fucking knife, they don't give him a stilletto. He should have pulled out a heel and just. That's throat. He pulls out the steto and then he's like, actually, let me, let me stop this murder to challenge you with some anti-apologetics. Yes, because I really find religion to be the opiate of the masses. I am a poet.

Where the fuck? The only truth is loneliness and despair and peer reviewed studies. Allow me to read a speech by John Gaul, please. Fuck you. And again, because it's a Christian movie, they have to be obsessed with the word brainwashed even though nobody said it is like, I'm not brainwashed, I'm not brainwashed. Oh, right. Yeah.

So, and this goes on long enough that I want Stiletto to stab this kid by the end of it, right? Like he's like, okay, well, you brought Jesus up out of nowhere, but I'm going to be a dick now. And then just as Stiletto is about to stab up in, they have this whole conversation where he's like, you're alone in this world, Aaron. There is no God. And he's like, I'm not alone.

You're alone in this world, I'm not alone. And just then I'm literally not alone. Yeah, right. Yeah. BTSD guys here. He was hiding in the shadows in your house. Wow. What's the bed there?

What was the plan? The plan was to have the marine wait in the dark until the right conversational moment for impact. Like, man, I feel like I should just show up with you right away. Like I can beat the guy he's probably gonna take a knife. No, no, no, no, we need to get him. He's got to give a speech about a few of his first time. He'd really get him.

And apex predators and whatnot. So they have, and of course, everyone in this movie, when they see PTSD, Mike, they're like, oh my God, so Mike, I love your show. Dude, you are so cool. You're still in the army or like, I saw it, I was in the middle of murdering your little brother and his friend, but it's just...

Ah, now I'm murdering in front of Mike. Am I doing it right? I mean, you probably murder me. Am I gonna PTSD or are we gonna like be PTSD friends? Is that weird? I feel like I'm talking about mama. And then of course PTSD Mike is all like, well, yeah, but you won't stab me in the neck. With your knife, here's my neck.

You won't stab me. That's, that's not the first shot. They were going for, I'll give you the first shot. Yeah, but if someone ever offers you the first shot of stab me in the neck, that is the entire conflict. If that person allows you to stab them in the jugular. I just got damn it. How good with this movie be of still it all just listen like, oh, I mean, okay. Um, so, but no PTSD Mike makes still let go his bitch and then sends him away.

And then he takes food out of his fridge. Okay. This movie lost track of whose house they were supposed to be. Absolutely. Cause he goes in and he grabs a beer and then him and Danny have a fight in drug dealers house. I did. Yeah.

Cause like they're right after this, they're back at a different house. But at this moment, I was like, Oh, it's like he making a point right now. Just like taking leftovers in his face and like slowly announcing each thing like rack of ribs. Suck it. Left over mac and cheese. God's not dead. He's surely alive. You're stupid. Yeah. So then they go to the kitchen where Danny can fill Mike in on several disparate plot points. As though the movie doesn't know we've been watching all of these points. Stay place.

We're like a better written movie. We cut in at the end of this confession. And Mike PTSD Mike is like disappointed in him. He's like, I'm your brother. I'm here for you. And I just wrote man who kidnapped a child. Yeah. Yesterday, day before yesterday, when did that guy kidnap a child?

Yeah, I slept it off. He's well right. No, clearly. And this is where like Danny has to admit that he stole some of Mike's pills and came to his girlfriend. Right. And the brother gets mad. And he's like, yeah, stop stealing my pills and killing your girlfriend with it because

she also takes heroin. And Danny's like, well, you never come to dinner with. Oh my God. Right. Like he's like, he's like, well, you're, you're never there for me. You're too busy with your post traumatic stress disorder. You're just like, wait, no, dude, that you can't do that. And then Mike starts pushing Danny, but Danny is wearing

a goddamn body mic. And then he grabs his brother's wrist and slaps himself with it. Oh, what? Yeah. Limp wrist was invented for this moment and the move. He's like, eh, eh. Stop hitting myself. Yeah, I'm not doing that. I'm so, and you could see both actors get really confused.

They're like, is this how the saying goes? I don't feel like. Am I supposed to be hitting myself with your hand? This is really cut. Should we cut? What's happening? It's like the Dutch rudder of brother fights. Yeah, I don't know. So, okay. So now these two, just make sure these two do the touch right. They're wrong. They're just jacking each other off.

Wait a minute. Hold on. No, no, hold on. But all right. So now these two cops, the officer McKenzie and his boss show up to arrest, you know, now both of these men are enormously large. And the two of them sitting in a car together is just comical on its own. Oh my god.

Them trying to get out of the car like they're cheeks are prex together and then I go, you lean forward and hold your breath and I'll undo my seatbelt. Out, out, out too far. Too much to ask for a 16 wheeler. And he says, he says, come on, we're going to go in and rest one of the main characters. And he says, but we don't have a warrant, Sarge. I'm like, why would they not just get a warrant? It's a recreational arrest.

But they so they show up in Aaron's house, but Aaron won't let him in. He puts his dog, his arm over the door. He's like, let me see your warrant. And they're like, fuck, we just said in thank God. That's crazy. We were just talking about that. That's so funny. You hear us? You do you heard us, right? You heard us. Ah, yeah. But we know when his arm, he's not in his arm. There's nothing like you do. Let me arrest you. Let me arrest your friend anyway. I saw him in the window. Yes. We're white. Oh, dear. They are white. I didn't know that police work was on man hunt rules. I got you with the flashlight. But then the nerd guy, he says, Hey, you know what? I'm the one that gave the girl heroin, and in this state, you can't arrest somebody for

drugs if they call 911 during an overdose. By the way, that's true. That's actually a law in 20 states. Yep, it is. I think I just found a workaround if we ever become heroin dealers. Hey, man, you got the stuff? You know it. Six pounds of peer-beliveian heroin. You got the money? Sure do cash, non-sequential bills, just like you told me. Oh shit, it's the cops! Quick, quick, eat this heroin! What? That's just a brick of heroin, man.

Trust me, trust me, eat this heroin. All right, all right. Hello 911. Yeah, my friend just overdosed on heroin. Yeah, 2-2-1 river drive. Freeze on the ground dirt bags. Too late, friend is overdosing, can't get me. Ah, ah, did you call 911 yet?

Yup, already called 911, they're on the phone. Ah, damn it. Okay. Get outta here, you can go. I know. Help me in a second, man. I got away. So, all right, so, but yeah, but the sergeant's like,

fuck, there's nothing we can do here, so he's like just begrudgingly shows him his dick and walks away. And then you're under arrest for not one one, two slug. Damn it. Damn it. And the music here is I just kissed the girl and won the big game as the cops walk away. It's like, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, So then Aaron and Dino go back to the fuck dungeon so that Dino can tell Aaron how cool he is

for being a Christian so much. But breaking the rules to be a Christian, he's like, hey, Aaron, didn't you just technically lie to those cops and he's like, yeah, yeah, I did, but I proved the atheist wrong from before. Remember the drug. Yeah. Let's tell before. Remember the drug. Yeah. Guys, let's tell them. You're now. Well, and then that's the other thing too. This is how lazy this fucking movie is is that

like in, if you go all the way back in the scene where she got the hero and Dino handed it to the geeky kid who looks at it. He's like, what did you just hear me? And then the girl takes it. So he wasn't lying. Jesus will be okay with it. Oh, wow, they really, really, they definitely thought about that. That's yes. Yes, yes. Absolutely. What they did.

This movie makes a lot of sense. I was just thinking that was actually my opening note for this weird fucking Dino stumbling around all drug-meetingly scene we're about to do is boy does this make sense and he grabs a pair of scissors and a pill bottle and Aaron breaks in I wanted him to come in he's just covered in paper snowflakes So much scrapbooking man. So much scrapbooking. Yeah, I was so confused by that. Like, what the fuck is this guy going to do with those fabric scissors that he just found? Like he just puts the scissors in a spoon, tries to melt in the rest of the book.

Yeah, but unfortunately, so he went looking through the bathroom for drugs and he apparently found the crazy making hair cutting shower in your jeans drugs that mom keeps for special occasions. Yeah, okay. If he found more drugs, shouldn't he be fine now? Right. He's supposed to be about, he's having withdrawal, but he finds drugs. Yeah.

Mom has a drug that makes you extra withdrawal. What would that be? Antiharrowin. Yeah. That's where they two meet. Mom walks in just grabs the last pill out of the bottle. She sits down in the cold shower with him. I know you guys party cool. Cool. You guys shivering past the scissors. Yeah, but he's used those to cut off all his hair because that's what happens when you hit rock bottom

in a movie as you cut your hair in some way. And that that's when Aaron's like, okay, I can't handle this guy myself. I need to take Dino to see the sorbs. Yeah, that's right. Kevin Sorbo. Yeah. 14 minutes left in this movie. We're gonna get credits. We're gonna bring it back around because you know what? This movie was perfect. It is perfect. But it did need the world's most poisonous message

to make it a perfect God awful movie, right? Yes. But yeah, the message here is that you are powerless to stop addiction unless you're a Christian. Yep. Only God can stop you from doing drugs. By giving your mom cancer? Well, okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, then we got to go back to the whole unmearical thing, right? Because like we move from there to mom and the older sister sit with coma girl and they're looking on the bright side of the coma, which is apparently the fact that mom has cancer. Yeah, she literally opens with this. She's like, Hey, this coma is actually pretty great. Like you, me, your sister getting together. We got to do this more often.

So nice to see you girls. I have cancer again. Not for cancer. It will not relate to the movie, but cut over to God calling 911. I gave a lady cancer. My friend asked too much. It's over to us by Christy Nidagent. And I also, because the mom's like, it's one of what I call an unmiracle. And the sister's character is like, what's that? And the mom's like, well, an unmiracle is like, she's no, no, the watch you're holding. I don't give a fuck about the religious thing. I loved her so much in that moment. Oh, it's so good.

And I just, okay, so this watch becomes a thing right now because, you know, we're 11 minutes from the end of this movie. Why not introduce a new plot element that'll resolve in the next 11 minutes? So mom says, I have this watch and it's broken, but I bet if we all pray for it to work, the watch will start working again. Right. And bad sisters like, do you maybe want to save those prayers for my sister? Right next to you.

Let's handle her first and then move on to, you know, household object. I got a phone that's not really keeping it charged as much as it used to. But let's see that after after sis. So yeah, so and then mom's like, yeah, I got this watch. I also have cancer. The daughter's like, yeah, I got this watch. I also have cancer the daughter's like, why that would convolut the hell out of this story. And the mom's like, right. And then coma girl wakes up. Oh, wait, as though the writers realized they had written themselves into a corner, she's like, you guys can stop talking. You can stop

talking about that. Don't worry about it. I'm awake and totally fine. Like you are after a week long coma. Yeah. That's exactly. But she has an oxygen mask on at this point. And she tries to talk the lines they gave her through this. But they sink through like, oh, we should have her somehow take off these oxygen masks. So she just gets visibly frustrated, tries to talk through it and then they cut. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And okay, so now the Kayla goes back to school. So we get the scene of her showing back up at school and a bunch of random people run up and touch her a lot, but she pushes back from the riff raff.

She's what? Okay, don't get me wrong. I loved every second of the scene. What was it supposed to be? Because it looks like her slow motion trying to get a football into the touchdown zone. And her ex boyfriend is her like enemy quarterback or something. I don't because she's just she's like stiff farming kids out of the way. And then she throws a book in the air, Danny catches it and she kicks him in the ball. Like what the fuck? I, I am so fascinated by how you think football works

now that the quarterback would be standing there in front of the touchdown zone. You got to get the quarterback, you got to get the football and then you tackle the other quarterback while you're holding it. That's it. Yeah. Yeah, but they have this whole moment where she's standing the hallway and she's looking to Danny, her boyfriend, and then over to Aaron, the guy who saved her life, both of whom have already admitted that they're attracted to her and they're like, ooh, which will she go to?

And then she just turns left and doesn't go towards either of them. But in reality, this girl walks over to Danny and goes, so you have any riddle in because I'm a fat guy. Well, and also because this scene was so poorly done, we have to have a scene immediately after it where she just explicitly rejects him. But before we get to that, we have to like get to her coming up to Aaron at lunch because you know, if there's one thing we know about high school, it's the nerdy sober Christian dude always gets the girl. So we have to establish here that she recognizes he's the real deal, right?

She says, thanks for saving my life and his response is anytime. What? saving my life and his response is any time what any time is not the proper response. Thanks for saving my life. Oh, trust me. I'll do it again. It's my pleasure. No doubt, girl, no. And again, real world she's so offers him his first hand job, right? Like she's like, okay, save my life. Come on. No, that doesn't happen in the real world, Eli. And then and just at that very moment, I fantasy, yeah, right. And at that very moment, her watch just started working, which would have made that, which would have been so much

got the better if she was giving him a hand job, right? Thank you. The hand job could have wound the watch and then yeah, but no, but yeah, because Jesus has nothing more important to do. He's like, oh, you're alive. I guess I can fix that watch, huh? Also, one watch tells the time in Sri Lanka.

Yep, they never explain that. Nope, she has too much. So we have introduced one McGuffin 30 seconds ago, but now there's two on her wrist, one of which tells the time in Sri Lanka. This is the point in the movie where I had like charts and graphs. I was just right. Sri Lanka, within the wall of question mark. I'm tying it with string to pictures of Asian extras in the background. No, you're not.

There were no Asian extras in the background of the film. All right. So now we have to get that explicit scene where Kayla comes out and says, no, no, no, no, I'm no longer with you because because because the Christian is the guy that I end up fucking at the end, duh. Right? Right. And she explains that she only went out with him because, you know, he's getting her pills and he's like, uh, super don't care. Super, super do. I don't, I only got you pills because you touched my penis. So like, I mean, I'm both doing the thing that was working for us. It's a mate because that is genuinely what happens.

She's like, no, no, you don't understand. I was, I was using you and he's like, yeah, I was really fine with that. I was using you. That's the basis for all relationships. I don't know, like, really think about it for a second. But if you, if you want, we can pretend that we stimulate chemicals in each other's brains in a different way, but I'm telling you that we are just having mammalian reactions and a slightly different variation. I really am okay with this Yeah, and then of course this spiel turns into a Jesus spiel because it's this movie. So any two people allowed to talk long enough will be saying Jesus shit out of nowhere. Yeah. But the key is she's breaking up with them, right?

They're not, she needs some time. Right. She's giving him that like, speech like, yeah, so I'm setting up this, this region, I, I guess you could call it an area for good friends like a friend zone. Yeah. No, take this heroin. What I don't. I don't. Is that like a touchdown zone?

Is it to say kind of a. Please keep touching my penis. You're not even the other quarterback. And then the movie's not over still. Now she's on a train and I'm like, is she going to Sri Lanka? She's on a train dressed like a rushing nesting doll to go see Stephen Baldwin. Yeah. She's, yeah, a train to Soviet Russia apparently in the past because she's wearing a hobo

outfit. It's, it's pretty ridiculous. I don't understand. Yeah. What's that? Well, actually, she's going to metropolis where her estranged father lives. So we cut to Stephen Baldwin and he's like 30 seconds into this scene. We learned that this is the position that Stephen Baldwin uses for praying.

The rest of us use it for getting railed in the ass. Absolutely. He is praying or taking it into the ass and you can do both. I just want to say multi-tasking. Could have been weepy Pilates. Some people do. Weepy Pilates. Yeah. They try to do Pilates for a minute and it's way too hard for them and they have to give up and that happens to some people. And then you don't have a good consolation cry. I get it. But yeah, but he's but he's praying and he's demanding that God give him a sign. Maybe an unexpected daughter or something. Little something we call daughter X Machina. Right. And just then there's a knock on the door and I still wanted it to be God going, fucking what? In Jesus at the door, hi, I do an ador to door thing now.

Okay, you be good. Or do you need a miracle? Are you in that marine just hoarding babies together? What's going on there? You have a, it's like a palette. I feel like you're stacking them. That's weird. But no, it's his daughter dressed like a Russian peasant.

And I want to point out that according to this movie, he has not seen this girl in five years, right? So she was 12. The last time there's no way he could recognize this as his daughter. He just sees the 16 year old girl and starts crying and hugging her and he's like, oh, they remembered it was my birthday Thank you sent me what I wanted Get in the bird costume Now remember I'm a dead moose

But you're not sure of that at first. So you only take little bites. Nobody ever forgets your dead moose. Nobody ever forgets your dead moose. And then you're ruining this. And I should point out too, because they say cries and start hugging her. But he does the this weird low hug, right? Like he goes to his knees and hugs her with his hat around her waist, like in vagina sniffing distance, like watching a weepy Steven Baldwin low a hug a teenage girl is the most disturbing thing I have ever experienced and I live in Georgia now. Yeah, it's Folger's coffee commercial upsetting.

It's it is my background on my computer now. All right, then we cut back to K-Sorbs and Dino again because this movie is still not over, right? So Dino has to have more like I used to do drugs, but maybe you can help me Kevin Sorbo lines. Yep. The movie is, the movie is trying so hard to just be like, okay, So atheism, heroin, atheism, heroin, athe, here's a stockings book, here's a bag of heroin and here's a knife for some stabbing.

These things are being juxtaposed. And what's amazing is that K-Sorbs only answer is Jesus to no matter what Dino says. Dino's like, I did some bad Jesus. No, what I'm saying is that like I had a lot of Jesus. It's okay, but now I'm addicted to try to get a chemical Jesus, Jesus. Okay. But it turns out that the real answer is that Dino needs to go to the police department to turn himself in for the giving the girl heroin, which may or may not have consequences. We have no way of knowing.

No, we just see him get sent to wait again. It's like, wow, he's a long, busy week of people who gave heroin to Kayla Stevens. He's, oh, God. Can I, can I listen to something on my phone? Like if they're like it there is one of those fuzzy things they have a tg friday's no and just in like somebody's cousin song they promise to use kicks in while he's sitting there waiting. You mean roast song it's like look at that girl over there she's so fat and fucking stupid. I was like, is there a roast going on in the background? But then it's like, Jesus loves her. And I was like, oh, all right, here we go. Jesus loves her. But the first verse of this is just like, fuck you, Michelle.

All right. So, and like, honestly, this goes on for so long that I'm like, Yes. All right, so and like honestly, this goes on for so long that I'm like, are the credits supposed to be playing here? Ha ha. Oh, well, yeah, I'm just saying, don't get, don't get me wrong. It's not like they don't fuck up the credits. They just don't do it here.

They have the greatest credits ever is what you meant to say. Oh, yes, I have no argument. Oh, we'll get, so they're all at church. Yeah, the church is throwing a main character's party. Yes, the raffle party together. Stephen Baldwin looks, comes up and the bad mom is like, you look terrible. And he's like, I mean, I'm Steve

involvement. So yeah, I do. That's not even your line in the movie is supposed to say. It's next to see you again. Sure. And what was wrong with his talking in throughout the, like, maybe it's, it's just him. He's bad at talking. I don't know. Because he's like, I haven't been sleeping much. I and then he's like, he's waiting for a laugh track to kick in. I don't know. Yeah, he has he's I think he's going for the Christopher walk and pause thing, but he's just he's on five and seven, right? Yeah. And he's and he explains to his wife in that weird, a halting man or that God is talking to him

through his dreams. And she's like, Oh, good. It's a sight of insanity. But according to us, it's a desirable quality neat. Yeah. So now K Serbs gives a little quick sermon. And then he's like, and ladies and gentlemen, a musical guest you've never heard of that we managed to get for this movie. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, hoodie and the blip. And now it is time for the credits. Well, okay, we should point out here that Steven Baldwin is going to monologue all the way through the credits and then some, right?

Like you've got to imagine he's still in a studio somewhere finishing this. So they have the roll up credits, they have the appearances by credits, and they have a gag reel slash extra scene thing slash Stevens monologue all happening at the same time. It is genuinely all possible credits happening simultaneously. There is literally a point and I can never, there's no way with words that I can give you the kind of pleasure that I experienced when I first realized this was happening, but there is literally a moment at the end of this movie where the credits are running over the credits.

Yes. Yeah. We're those credits for the people who made the credits of the credits. Yes. Yeah. Were those credits for the people who made the credits of the credits of the credits? Yeah. Get into it. Get confused themselves. Wait a minute. This movie wasn't made by all mooses. Hold on. If this movie was satire, these final credits are genuine comic genius. Oh, absolutely. This is the funniest thing I have ever seen in film that wasn't on purpose. I'm stealing this. I'm stealing this.

And we should be clear here. So like, you know how at the end of some movies, there's a little thing that later, it'll show Stephen Baldwin, it'll say Stephen Baldwin, and then it'll cut it like they're all at the same dance or whatever together. And it'll say, oh, there's Kevin's over. Kevin's over. They're still doing that. And the credits are rolling up over those.

And the narration is over all of it. Yes. And throughout that, we get to watch during Steven Baldwin's weird narration. We're watching Steven Baldwin sitting in silence, being confused by hearing his own voice. Like, like, I really think they were playing his narration over the PA in this set. And he was just like, that is fucking weird. I don't have a line right now. But I might feel like I have a lot of them. Am I supposed to be moving my mouth? I, wow, wow, wow, peace. I would like to fuck this guy in on this PA system. He is. Yeah. So one last thing on the credits, the final credit was Jim, an alcoholic. Oh, well, fucking

course. And credits. Wow. I can't believe I missed that. All right. Well, no need to ask you guys the moral of the story. That's pretty fucking obvious. When it seems like God is just fucking with you and being a dick, it's actually that he's awesome and you suck. So with that in mind, we'd like to take a look at the lighter side of the Holocaust. Fellas, what do you reckon God was shooting for with the whole Holocaust thing? Um, I'm gonna go with less Jews, right? That's allegedly. Um, what about, uh, okay, well, no, this is a good one.

So you know, when an argument on the internet gets too hyperbolic, we have an official rule for that. Like, that's good. Like the Holocaust really tidied up the internet, I would say. We have an official rule for that. That's good. Like the Holocaust really tidied up the internet, I would say. There you go. All right, well, that's going to do a far review of the unmiracle, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet,

because we still need to wind you up for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Bible man. Episode four, the incredible force of joy. Because we cannot get enough of that man's penis through this bandex. So with that to look forward, we're gonna bring episode 154 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to cut yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So I've got awful in there by earning only access to an ad free version of every episode and a monthly bonus episode. You can also help us a ton by living as a five star review

on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, show, be sure to check out our sibling shows and skating a, the ascitation needed in the skeptic crowd available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email gotoffamoviesachemail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P Andrew Torres, Tim Roberts and Takes Care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slott, Nick Lievle, Drafts on Mars, all

of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkam was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right? Neil Iboznik, I'm an O'Luzion Sprouts and a Work Harder and all the truck next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Sadly, pretty much none of the things we want to put inside of Neil Gorsuch are made legal by a 911 phone call.

Speak for yourself. Kayla's mom died of cancer, even though it didn't advance the plot. Steven Baldwin found out he was in this movie by searching for himself on Netflix. They had a camera in that room. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! You like her piece? Ha ha ha ha! I do have her piece! The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2018 all rights reserved. I had herpes. It do have herpes. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2018.

All rights reserved.