God Awful Movies - 157: The Perfect Stranger

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah team up for an atheist review of The Perfect Stranger, the story of a woman who winds up on a blind date with Jesus and can't think of anything interesting to talk about. --- See us live in London October 6th: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-london-tickets-47591873575 --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

He's like, let's say your daughter grows up to be a heroin addicted murderer. Fuckin' what? Oh my god, he's like, okay, I got an example, this will clarify it for you. Your daughter, she's hooked on heroin, she's sucking dicks, left and right, I'm talkin' ass to ass, and she's just, she's stealing quarters out of the bottom of your purse, and you could just see the calm on her old stain Cluster's blood coming out of her rectum. Would you still love her? I'm going somewhere with this OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. Thanks.

So, you know what's a good movie element? What's that? Anything happening in a movie. One single piece of plot or action or humor or suspense or drama. Just in case anyone's curious, any of those things would be a good character. Man, are we gonna earn those Patreon dollars today? Yeah. All right. So also sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad Fred Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you?

This fine afternoon, sir. I am amazing Noah. You know why? Why is that? Because as I was watching this movie, I realized that you guys were watching it too. And that every moment I was just like, oh, he's doing it. I was likely it. I was likely not watching it. You thought I was poor at all. Fuck you to Eli. Your misery also made me happy. All right, so tell us, Heath. What will we be breaking down today? All right. So Eli and Noah watch the perfect stranger. And I drew maps of different parts of the world from memory. I cut my toenails and then I did that a few more times, which was a mistake is you don't want to do it more than more than the ones usually.

And then I drew a map using the blood from my toes. Cool. That was fun, also a mistake. But still better than watching this movie, it's about sitting at a table. It's litter. I watched it on fast forward and it looked like a still image. It's people sitting on the table. So I gave up.

I was like, no, fuck that. Not watching the rest of this. Oh, for fuck's, okay, Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love romantic comedies, but you hate how none of them star the Messiah, you will love this movie. It's when Harry met salvation. Well, but if when Harry met Sally had just been them in the car, right? If it had just been 90 minutes of them trying to think of stuff to talk to play in the alphabet game and shit like that. So this woman had an orgasm or a fake one during this movie.

I would have been a maid. That would have been everything. Nope. No. No. So this movie falls firmly into the category of a Christian writer going, ooh, you know what I should have said for 52 pages, right? We've seen these before.

This is just a fantasized discussion with a non-believer the way they wish it would go. And it is, we should point out it is literally just to people talking interrupted by a lovely Italian dinner. And I do mean interrupted. We'll get to it. Yeah, it doesn't mean lovely. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. All right. So is there anything that I'm sure there is? I don't even know why I'm asking this is a question. Hey, nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at something guys. It should be easy. No, no, fuck this movie. You get nothing from me. It gets no bests. All right. So I'm going to go best

worst bullshitting your way through to a movie length run time. All right, because if you look at this on Amazon, you would believe that it is 91 minutes long, and you'd think, hey, that's feature length. And as desperately as they, you know, insert fucking pointless B roll into it and draw out the conversation with multiple courses having to be slowly delivered to the, uh, conversors. It's still only an hour long. So the credits are like half an hour of like interrupted by interviews bullshit, right? It's like, you get three minutes of credits and then you get 10 minutes of the lady from the movie going, yeah, I had fun filming this and because they gave me money at the end. And then you get 10 minutes of the lady from the movie going, yeah, I had fun filming this and because they gave me money at the end.

And then you get three minutes of credits and then 10 minutes of the guy from it going, yeah, I have fun being in this year movie because we paid that lady to think I was pretty. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to go with the best worst movie getting distracted by its own heart, right? Do you mean the food? The food. This movie, so it's a dinner with Jesus, spoilers,

but it is equally important that they're having dinner as it is that she is talking to Christ in this movie. Yes, they will get interrupted by waiters and talk for solid minutes about the food. They talk about splitsies, they talk about the wine. They deliberate on dessert. It's fucking but end meat conversation. It's not like, oh, that's a point and we're done with it. They'll be like, but when my father was on Is, ooh, can you know, it's the best. Well, right, because like the precept of this movie ostensibly is, what if you went to dinner with Jesus,

but as it plays out, it's actually, what if you went to dinner with Jesus, and neither of you could really think of anything to talk about? What if you went on a bad blind date with Jesus, right? Not the wacky blind date, but just like, ah, there's not chemistry here, but like we're, I'm not gonna leave.

He's being nice. He's being nice. And that's not just, it's a bad date with no good story at the end. Yes. It's the best worst date with Jesus. All right, well, this movie was maybe the longest hour of my life.

So I'm gonna need a quick break before we relive it. But when we come back, we'll dive into all the awkward conversation you have with strangers while you're waiting for your mutual friends to get back from the bathroom that is the perfect stranger. And cut great job, everybody. That's a wrap. Yeah. Yeah.

Move me. Okay. So how much time do we have? Well, let's see. We have the bit with her and her family. Great scene with the mayonnaise. Yeah. And then she gets the invitation.

Right. Yep, invitation. And then she sees it's not her husband and then she leaves. So eight minutes. Eight minutes. Really? Because we shot all day.

I know. Yeah. No, I felt like that would have been longer, but yeah, okay What about some b-roll of people like pretending to be in a restaurant? We got that okay, and you hired people who had clearly never been in a restaurant before yeah, just like you asked never ever been in a restaurant good Okay, okay, you know how in the way we have the movie, now she leaves, what if she doesn't leave? Doesn't leave.

Yeah, you know, like what if they chit chat for like an hour? They chit chat, just like talk about about what, why they're gonna order? Oh. And the food, Right. That's a movie. Hey, you guys know what I always say, right? If it's 90 minutes, it's a movie. Exactly. Don't put the cameras away yet, boys. We ain't done. All right. They could order bread. I love bread. That's I love bread too.

Let's go on the bread. Dear journal, today we're watching the perfect stranger. Looks like it's going to be pretty boring. So note to self, wax, new ping pong paddle, heath. Dear journal, I'm back. Heath. Deer Journal. I'm back. Best movie ever. There's stuffed mushrooms and garlic bread.

Journal, a meaghan. Check that boring movie way too much talking. Correction, again, there's Manacotti Best Movie. Worst movie. Okay, movie's over. I call it 50-50. Needed more Italian food. Also, Who orders just one can only for dessert bullshit? It's actually canola if you say one. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off scrolling through one of those douchey neighborhoods where they list the home prices at the end of the street. So everybody knows which people are the best, you know, the fucking neighbors. Oh, these are the 180s. Oh, good, good. I literally wrote montage of neighborhoods. I'll never be able to live in. Well, except that this was filmed mostly in Kentucky. If this neighborhoods in Kentucky, you could buy

this neighborhood. That's right. I can buy the block. Yeah. All right. So we, we got inside this, this, well to do home. And we've got, we're scrolling over old pictures as a like way of telling that the exposition. And the only exposition is that like our main character is one of those people that started as a very young child and then proceeded through life in order. Right. It's just like, Oh, look, she graduated and got married. Like if we saw a middle aged married woman, we'd pick, we'd figure that out. Uh, family pictures are we'd figure that out. Uh, family pictures are obnoxious though. Just put some fucking art on the wall or something like that.

I hate the way I fucking hate these people. I'm so angry already. It'll give you so many better reasons. All right. So the credits wrap up and we're gonna meet mom. Did mom ever get a name? Did this character have a name? No, Nikki. Nikki, that's it. Yes, okay, so we're gonna meet Nikki. She's getting her daughter Sarah off the school in the morning and it looked to me like she was loading her up

with a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich. Ugh, Mayo is fucking gross. I hate them even more. It's so disgusting what's happening. Yeah, she's spreading, I think mayo, but it's unmarked. Mayo, it's like, it's a plastic bag of pretty sure white paint inside a blank jar. So it's prop. Like how many times did they need another take of spreading mayo that was going bad? She's just like stabbing herself in the eye with a butter knife fucking it up. Really?

I feel like one guy who is involved in this movie got way too into no. This is how they do it in movies and he's like no, no, we don't have to use real mayo. We can use Spackel. It's just on the video. Use Spackel damage. But we have to buy Spackel. Oh, no, I'm not thinking this through. Shut up. I have a bag of Spackel. All right. All right. Wet bag of Spackel. You have a bag of spackle. All right. All right. Wet bag of spackle. You carry a bag of spackle? Yeah, and then, okay, so she starts yelling for the kid. The kid's gonna have a camp out after school.

Dad's too damn busy being a person with a job. None of this will ever matter. He's on his damn palm pilot. Yes. Yeah, again, another one of these movies where one of the antagonists is gainful employment. Yeah. Exactly. As old as old.

And before the daughter leaves, she's like, and I packed you a special dessert. And the girl's like, is it an apple? And she's like, yeah, it's an apple. And she's like, look at me in my heart. Look at me in my heart. You're a bad mom. You're a bad mom. Yeah.

I mean, you're a good mom for giving her an apple. But if you told her that was for dessert, you're a bad mom. You're a bad mom. Yeah, I mean, you're a good mom for giving her an apple, but if you told her that was for dessert, you're a bad fucking mom. I also want to point out that the ADR in the scene was done inside the oil tanker from water world. Right. Like there's one line where dad cuts in. It's very obviously doesn't match what he's saying. And then they cut to like from behind him for no reason or whatever. And it's just all echo. And he's like, no, I am your father. Yeah. Right.

All right. So the little girl goes off to school. And then we learn this is basically the plot of the movie. Dad was supposed to take mom on a date to an Italian restaurant today, but at the last minute, he got tickets to a Cubs game. So he's going to that and steady stand's standing up. And mom is so mad. She's like, you forgot our date. I was going to shrill it you. Yeah. Okay. But go fuck yourself, lady, because we'll he got tickets behind the first base dug out and really

sealed literally right. Fuck you, but we had reservations that Apple be seriously well you well in that $10 tasting menu and app don't care don't care well that's the fucking thing is that it's your goddamn movie you could have made dad write her off for something significantly less awesome than seats right behind the dugout at Riggly fucking field. It could have been a white socks game. Just make it a white socks. I'm a player for the white socks. Not worth it. Not worth it. And then of course, Dad's like, well, I mean, if you want something to do, why don't you do some of the many fun church activities that our neighbors do? Right. And She's like, no, they're all God-believing plebs. Yeah. He goes, why do you hate Jesus so much? She says, because you're a bad husband. Also, just really quick, can we talk about her makeup?

For a second, because it's pretty, she's wearing, I'm going to say four inches of makeup on her face. Yeah. It's just, it's crumbling away. Like she got killed by Thanos. It's very close to those creepy ass masks from the wall, right? Like just some eyes sticking out at the edge of the makeup. Yeah. Okay.

So now we cut to her driving to work. The music, I love so much. First of all, it's pretty sure that she's going to find a dead body at the end of this scene, but it also continues to play even as she slipped flipping through music stations on her radio. Yes, and her facial expression is like she's aware of that. She's like, okay, yeah, this is rock and roll, but there's also like like weird creepy stalker music in the back. Damn damn background noise. I can't turn it off. Yeah, so she gets to her job. She's a lawyer.

She works at a law firm. That doesn't use the god damn Oxford comma in their title that has four names. Fucking idiots might have noticed that law firms should should know that they should know the importance of that and cost somebody in Vermont, like a billion dollars last whatever. Idiots. Yeah, but again, the only reason we're going to see her go in and do work is so that we know that she's just an angry, unreligious person. The entire, we should also point out by the way, this entire movie is shot like porn

exposition. Oh, very much like you found it in your dad's software. Like, if you pop this in, you're like, oh, dad. Yeah. Yeah. And down to the point where like, you know, like if they had just set two desks in obviously a hotel room and said, no, this is work. We'd be like, yeah, okay, that's in keeping with what we've come to expect from this. All right. So she gets to work and she looks at her desk and there's an invitation on her desk to eat dinner with Jesus Christ at Papinos Italian restaurant. Right. And she immediately like leans out her door and is like, Hey Rachel, did a man in a long white robe show up, holding his hands? Maybe guy with a thorn crown.

There was a shepherd and like already sheep that dropped in like mission of possible violence. No, it's normal morning. You're weird. Oh God. And at that point, by the way, when the secretary came in, I wrote in my notes, I can tell it's not porn because the secretary isn't a good enough actress for that. Yeah, exactly.

Quite fit the standard. And I really just wanted this to be a blind date with Jesus, because you know a blind date with Jesus is going to be awkward as fuck. Hi, Mary, right? Oh, hi, you must be Jesus. Yeah, do we hug? Oh, okay, that's fine. Cool, yeah, cool, handshake.

Handshake is cool. So, so your dad sent us off. Yeah, yeah, he's, he's God. I'm sorry, what? Wow, ah, usually I get a glass or two of wine in me before I bring this up. Yeah, yeah, my dad is God. You want some wine? It's 2 p.m.

That's okay. They brought water. Oh, you do magic. Yeah, mostly wine stuff. Unless you're blind, I got a trip for if you're blind I'm not blind Cool cool cool Can I ask you a personal question? No, do you love me? I'm actually I said because if the answer is yes I'm I'm gonna burn you forever. Okay. I'm gonna go. Oh Don't oh don't go

Would it help if I had a teenager tell you how great I am Mary Teenage oh I mean, I feel like that's the best that it could go. Right. Exactly. All right. So it was better than it went in this movie any fucking way. So all right.

So now she's going to call mom and she's like, I got an invitation that you did it with Jesus. That's so weird, right? Because apparently there's nothing else going on in her life. I really, I was hoping at this point she would dress up like an ancient Israeli prostitute and show up in her head. And this is what you're into, right? He shows up, she just shoves her fingers inside of him like this.

Is this? Is this you wanted? Hey, you want me to try to get these other, these other patrons to stone me because intercede it would be great. But so she thinks, oh, you know what, I figured this out. It's my husband. He's tricking me. He made up the Riggly field thing. I am going to go to this restaurant and have dinner. She says, right. He's getting playful again. Yeah. I shows up to dinner in a gimp suit to playful.

To play. He also, I mean, he made up the Riggly field thing, but he made up the Jesus thing too. That's fucking weird for a playful date night. Like, all right. Let's roleplay Slathamabadi and Nardkrieg. You know what I'm going to file for divorce and pretend to be your dead friend who drowned when you were in high school. And evening of adventure and surprises. There you go.

I love to the little exposition that they toss out at the end of this conversation. She's talking to her mom and she's like, what's that? How are things with my husband? Oh, you know, unreligious. And then finally, she's like, well, now that this scene is over, I'm going to hang up the phone. I feel sufficiently exposited. Hi. All right. So now we cut to Papinos where the entire rest of this movie is going to take place. We start off with a like chef boy, your D can of an establishing shot. Oh, the food and decor at this nice restaurant is revolting.

And I, I so know this restaurant, because I'm from where the fuck nowhere in upstate New York and everywhere in America has a papinos, right? Yeah, where it's like, all right, prom night, everybody we're going to, we're going to what we call a nice place. Oh, it looks like some time in those foray into pasta. It's a nice Italian place.

Hopefully they'll, they'll remember to defrost the hot pocket brand. Manacotti. They forgot this time, they forgot this time. It's just a chunk. It's so rough. It's got that case still around it for microwaving to like bring you a microwave table side like guac. Yeah. Well, that's how you so you can hold it when it's still hot. Yeah, I actually wrote

in here this restaurant probably has a hot pocket of the day. So all right. So she shows up at this terrible, terrible looking restaurant and it's not her husband, after all, it is on a malgamation of all the evil principles from 80s movies. Yeah. You looks like the coach of the bad skate team and every mighty duck moving. Yeah, exactly. He looks like Jeffrey Jones fucked Howard the duck and she's like, hey, wait, am I supposed to know you?

And he goes, yes, you are. And I'm like, zing, okay. Okay, movie back off. He's all just like totally relaxed about. He's like, oh, hello, I'm Jesus. And he's like, great. I'm Nikki. And I wanted her to be like, and this is Chris Hansen,

you're under arrest. You're a predator and we caught you now. Yeah. So she, and at this point, she goes to leave, but that would mean I could stop watching this. So she turns back and she's, she's like, hey, we'll put you up to this. Then she starts fucking with him. I'm like, okay, at this point for all you know You're just picking on a mentally ill person right? Right? It starts weeping and cutting himself. Oh, oh, right. You're sorry You did start this by admitting you're delusional. Okay Yeah, so

So yeah, so she he talks her into for dinner, otherwise there won't be a movie. Yes, it's the best. She's like, you know what, Jesus? I got dumped for a baseball game, so you are getting a hand job in the car. Yeah, show him. Also, just one of those stupid fucking detail. The red wine glasses at this point are filled to the brim. Yes, like, yes, like this.

Picking their cool lady. Like a six year old pouring a juice, like dripping over the surface tension, red wine. The people who made this movie definitely go to restaurants and complain until they get a pint of fucking wine dripping onto the table. No, all the way to the top. All, no, all the fucking idiots. I get a lot of plans for the table. You fucking idiots.

Go. And also they spend so much time on the wine here that you're like, oh, are they going to do the, they're going to pour in water and then she's going to have white thing because they sure are setting that up and then they don't. Nope. A fun reflection. This movie just spends as much time on the water and the wine as it will on all the other food.

Yeah, right. You're not wrong to think they're setting up a magic trick. It's just, no, we really need the 40 minutes of this movie. We're going to spend on pouring, pushing forks into and slowly cutting who's who'd and drink items in this film. Also did did she order a Brunello D grenadea? Yeah, that would happen in the movie. Really? Like I'm pretty sure the ones from Montalcino, Italy are better. Like I'm sure the Caribbean island wine tradition is loving. But like you're trying to be impressive about this time restaurant in this movie of a Brunello

de Grenada. No, you won't. No. Do a white wine from Vietnam, perhaps. I honestly, you guys told me the best white wine came from Viet Nam and the best red wine came from Grenada. I could not argue. Love us. Soven your louse. No, no, you will not. Um, shit. Okay. And this is the first time I wrote in my notes. Now we get some more local restaurant commercial B roll and then they sit in silence for an absurdly long time.

It's crazy. It is genuinely a solid two and a half minutes of like B roll and then them just sitting there staring at each other with nothing to say. And that happened so many times. Like she has to open the scene by prompting him as though he forgot he had the next line. She's like, before the wine thing that made no sense and brought the movie to a screeching halt, I had said this. Right. Oh, and then by the way, now that it's too late,

they make the water into wine joke, right? She holds up her wine. She's like, can you turn it into water? Right, and he's just like, a waiter can, can you switch this out? She wants water now. So like, no, you can't. You can't. Is that a directional power? Jesus, he can't go back. Also, Jesus uses first

names with waiters. And I'm just like, Oh, heath is Jesus. Hey, Steve, come on over here, buddy. How you doing, man? How's your daughter? Oh, she's getting so big. Crazy. I thought I'd interrupt this meal to interact with you even though you're the help almost like they're human beings. Yeah, not so who have lives. That's why you pay them. All right, so then I wrote my notes. They're actually discussing what they'll eat. That's what we're watching now because I didn't know yet. Right. discussing what they'll eat. That's what we're watching now because I didn't know yet, right? I just didn't know. I wrote my notes in all caps. Oh my God, something needs to happen for fuck's sake because I hadn't completely given up yet. Yep. So what you're thinking is Jesus' opening line. Yep. Yeah. So this is this is anyway the movie. Yeah. Yeah.

He just says, what are you thinking? And she actually has a great liner. She's like, I'm thinking that traditional marriage is an unrealistic societal construct. And only he says it. So I was like, okay, Nikki, you want me to fuck back over? I'm back in. All right. So, yeah.

So she's like, and then he's like, hey, tell me about your family. And I'm like, yes, yes, that's what I was hoping for. Yeah. And again, there's just this weird boring role play of like, well, you know, mom and dad were simple religious folks. His name was Joseph. I wanted him to like, slowly raise an index card from his lap. Joseph, right?

Yeah. Heart founder. And then, you know, Mary, not a lot about them in the book really. And he's going like, he says, like, well, you're going to have to do better than that. You're going to just read the Bible and you'd know all that. If you wanna convince me you're Jesus, it's gonna take more. And I'm like, who are you, Lee fucking strobele?

You're already wafering. I mean, they just mental illness, lady, and go home. All right. I'm gonna need some specifics about mom and dad if I believe you're the undead God king. Yeah. That's it. And I love how he kept ignoring her Jesus word play stuff. She kept trying to be like, oh, turn the water into wine.

Aren't you fucking crucified, whatever? And he's just like, he just kills everyone with 10 minutes of angry silence. Like he just stares, like he might as well have her sit in the corner for 10 minutes and think about what she said. It's like nagging her like it felt like Jesus read the game right before he came to the stage. Okay, so we at this point we are 16 minutes into this movie and one character just says to the other, hey, play along with the fucking precept.

Okay, I don't know how we would like write it so that I can fid other, hey, play along with the fucking precept. Okay. I don't know how we would like write it so that I can fidget, but just play along for the otherwise, we're just going to be doing this forever. And she's supposed to be convinced. You're supposed to be convinced. So let's just go. It could, I have lots of apologetics. So just get your convinced. And she tries to trip them up a few times too. Like, like you remember Dwight True trying to fuck with the Ben Franklin LARPER. She's like asking him all like these detailed questions, but he's got all the answers. He's like, I'm from Nazareth and Galilee city.

And Beth was to move around, read a fucking lease. Oh, look, this simple thing. You just talk about that. Well, I love to. Okay. So her first question was she's playing along, believe in these Jesus, it's, it's a question of attribution, right? She's like, did you really say this? I'm like, are you wiki editing this? You know, you could ask, hey, what's with the P hole fish in the eyeball worms, but no, you're just going like, was that a direct quota?

Is that a paraphrase? Jesus, speaking of which Jesus, they're Jesus, their appetizers get here now, so the movie has to come through a grinding goddamn hall. Genuinely, they are mid-sentence. The food comes over. It's like papinos, which I am sure is a real restaurant, was like, yeah, but like when the food comes, they stop and they acknowledge it. Well, no, we were going to have their conversation. They stop and acknowledge it if you want

to use papinas, aren't I guess they'll, and they talk about how delicious it is. Yeah, I love it. And I'll leave the discipline of the plating. It's just a good moment where she goes, you know, Larry King said that if he could interview anyone, he'd want to interview Jesus. And I would love to watch a Larry King interview of Jesus. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Larry King. Welcome to Larry King Live. My guest tonight is holy man to some and best to other.

Yes, what of Nazareth? Welcome to the program. Thanks. Thanks. Larry, are you okay? I am slowly receding into my chest cavity. If that's what you're asking. Right. Yeah. I was at your crucifixion. You took it like a bitch, your response. Yeah. Yeah. You were like 90 back then and only married three times.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. You only married three times. Oh yeah, I forgot. You got married a lot. Think about me. Am I dead now? I would have to Google it. Yeah, this movie would have been so much better if it included Larry King and Jesus on a date. That would be fantastic.

I would watch that. They would have ended up married. That would be fantastic. I would want to they would end up married. It would have been great. Yeah. Or have like have this be a bunch of Jesus on Tinder or Grindr that would be an amazing reality. That's why I left. Speaking of which Heath pointed something out in his notes and it's right here after she makes the Larry King comment. There is an extra in this movie who is worth watching the entire film. You do mean super happy fat guy. The greatest like clearly some fat guy just took a giant shit and feels amazing. He is beaming with post shit happiness. He's fucking smoking four cigarettes,

just wiping gum off himself. He's so happy and he walks through the shot, and it's the best. He walks through the shot, and he very clearly is cheating out to the camera. He's practically shuffling sideways. Yes. Because you know this motherfucker heard free meal at papinos,

and he was just like, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that,

that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Why isn't Hinduism true? Well, right. Okay. So now we're going to jump into the silly ass apologetics. The first question she has is, hey, I saw this church sign. It said, nobody comes on your dad except that you give him permission. First, isn't that kind of arrogant?

What about all these other religions? He's like, yeah, they're all going to hell. Yep. All of them, but the, and not just them, the Catholic soul, sir, going to hell. And the one that he chooses to debunk is Hinduism. Well, we're going to start there. We're going to debunk all three religions. I wanted him to get side tackled by

Bogganesh's mouse friend. Two former motherfucker. The other mice in their various entourage outfits are pulling him back. He's not worth it. He's not worth it. Fuck you. Fuck you. You made America great again. Piece of shit. I heard what you said. Oh my God. Okay. So when anyone care Well, okay. So you know how the universe, um, isn't eternal?

Yeah, I do know that because the big thing. Yeah, the Hindus think it's eternal. So idiots. Yeah. Yeah. As opposed to the Christians who are only off by seven orders of magnitude, guys. Right. But like the general point here, he's saying like believing in false things is bad, right? And she's like, well, oh, no, exactly. So that means then he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we are talking exclusively about false things that Hindus believe that is that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Hinduism. He's like, hey, you know, they believe the world's eternal, but how does that line up with science? She's like, oh, are we using science as the arbiters? Like, no, we are not. We are not. We are using it on Hinduism. I was very clear. And also, this is where she brings up Muhammad. And his response is literally just, come on, man, Muhammad really? yes, yes, with Hinduism thus crushed into the ground, we turn to Islam and his only argument is, I'll get the fuck out of here. Come on, say it with a straight face, say Mohammed might be the prophet of God. You can't.

You can't. Okay. So, okay, well, how to Hinduism and Islam match up with astronomy. They don't. Okay. Ridiculous. No. But okay. Well, how do Hinduism and Islam match up with astronomy? They don't. But what about? We're done again. No. The astronomy thread either stop doing that. Let's rip on Muhammad a little more. Yeah. Well, it's okay. So he also says at this point, he's like, he's like, Hey, you know, the Bible authors over 40 different authors, they all had one consistent message through the book.

I've read that book cover to cover. I would love to hear some would distill that consistent message for me. Some that the fuck up. It's just a weird scream. Just, ah, they're coming. Okay. I feel like it would just be one of those mosaics of words and it's just mostly Jews and kill in the middle.

Yeah, right. The biblical word cloud. A few other word clouds that are just like, but mostly kill Jews. So okay. So here's his actual argument against Muslims. He's like, well, my crucifixion is definitely real because it was documented by Christians and non-Christians, which is totally not fucking true.

But even if it was, that wouldn't fuck up the Quranic story because in the Quranic story, Allah uses an angel to swap Jesus out of the last second, right? Like that wouldn't be something the crowd would be able to notice, or Jesus is fucking up his misdirection right? Having read that book, Muhammad is more of the Indiana Jones School of Jesus than the non-exercises of the writers. And then in a very strange turn, he says, what is your deepest desire? And, and she responds, not sure I want to get into that, which indicates it's fuck stuff,

right? Yes. Yes, certainly it was porn exposition. I wanted her to answer right away, just be like, DVDA. Oh. I like, you just tricked me into saying that really fast. Do you guys feel like you're missing out on DVDA, by the way, like not having a vagina? I feel like that's like a big.

I'm missing out on a lot, not having a vagina. Yeah, it's not fair. It's tough to be a man with no vagina. What they say, that's what they say. Yeah, that is what they say all over Twitter. All right. So, but then, okay, so his argument here, I guess, is that every one of the world's deepest desire is to be loved by God. And you can't get that from Muslims because they're all wrong and shit. Therefore Therefore Christianity is right. She tries to big screen TV too. He's like, well, you know, it's been she's like, big

screen TV. I didn't say TV TV, TV, TV, you know, that region of DVDs. And he's like, come stop. We're going to do that. All right. Well, I got to get two personal and dig in here further. Are you having orgasms? She's like, Matt is a good husband. He's like described the orgasms, like seriously. They're, uh, liar, too slow. It's like a happy sneeze.

Nope. Well, yeah, okay. It's still too slow. Like you thought about that while I was saying to, no, that doesn't count. I didn't Google it, that doesn't. I didn't Google it. You Google it. You're Jesus. And, and then we broached the subject of atheism. She's like, oh, you're right, Hinduism and Islam are wrong. Those are the only other religions than Christianity. So maybe atheism is right, which is obviously ridiculous because the

world is too perfectly designed. Oh, for fuck's. Okay. Yeah. Basically, he's as well. If that's true, then you're left explaining why I don't know how biology or physics work. Huh? Yeah. All right. Let's talk about some other physics. She's done with that. Stop doing that. No, right. Stop it. No follow us. He goes there as Sanders of Christian apologetics. And then he fucking falls in up. He's got a quote a fucking science. He needs a scientist on a sign. So he plucks one from the mid 17

hundreds. Oh, um, Mr. Black hole PhD from 1700, who was that? It was, I believe he's talking about John Michelle, the first guy who ever actually proposed the concept of the black hole mathematically that ever presented it in published work. He did that in the 1750s, right? They could have named the guy if they wanted to name the guy. They didn't, which is weird. I think they were trying to make it harder to disprove with Google. So basically he says, Hey, you know the guy who came up with black holes, he did the math

and the odds of the universe existing without God are one and a trillion, trillion, trillion, gazillion, billion, billion, billion, billion to the 10th power, times 10 plus infinity. And I would love to hear how he figured out those odds. Who are the odds? What's the odds of things? Well, how many not things are there? That's a brush. He's just lighting beads on an abacus. All right, we're out again.

I need a couple hundred more beads. We'll keep going. I want to her so badly when he says that giant number of her to just be like, right, but if the possibilities are infinite, yeah. Oh, but what about the anthropic principle? I don't want to go to that store. They have tights for women. I don't anthropology joke every time. I have to polish it. Okay. Hey, the waiter's coming. Shut up. Shut up. Yeah. Right. Right. That's what happens next. Yep. He says, are you looking for God? Oh, never mind. Waiters here. Yeah. Well, so, okay. So apparently all she needed was the one scientist from the 18th fucking century to dismiss all of atheism at this point, even Ray Comfort's coming

on going, oh, come on, guys, it's going to take more than that. And then she hits the all religion to roads to the same place bit, right? Like she the argument from the coexists sticker. And that's where he's like, yeah, but if that's true, then how come only ours gets you to real God? And she's like, fucking what? And then the waiter shows up. And then they go splits these, which made he very upset. Yeah. Fuck that. They never agreed to share anything. She was never like, yeah, I'll have had like, thanks for the fucking salad. I don't suppose you want some of my fucking braised short ribs that are way better than your stupid fucking salad. That's why I ordered them for me to eat you on half of that. Now, obviously I'm obligated to

offer half of this awesome thing that I got that we didn't agree to share. But the important thing though is that he chooses not to be married though because it's a construct. Exactly. And I'm right now, I know this is the point. I'm like, you know, guys, you could have the food arrive at natural all laws in the conversation rather than having her restate the last thing she said after each interruption, leading me to believe that the food just showed up when the food was done. Absolutely. Again, the papino's guy was like, and I don't want people thinking I got slow service.

So the food comes out when the food's ready. Have you considered renaming the movie a perfect stranger who takes it to a lovely dinner at Papino? On I-95 right next to the stop and get right. We're not putting directions to Papino's will, then the food comes when it fucks. Ungrateful little bastard. So, and this is where you're like dinner and this is what you do for me. This is where Jesus is going like, he's like, no, no, there's no way to God or there's

no path to God, but there is a way to God. And I like, I'm like, you're doing pedantry wrong. Those are synonyms in this particular instance. What the fuck are you talking about? And it never made more sense, didn't it? I literally wanted Noah to lean in from a table. It's just like, that's not pedantry. That's distinction without you just doing a word trap side. Trust me.

I know. I've literally engraving your conversation. I have notes, but I can tell you this is not a gotcha. And then he asked her to tell them all about that time that she was a naughty girl. I was back in. Oh, when when she tells the story of she's like, yeah, so I dumped a milkshake on my sister. And then my father spanked us both raw. And yeah, I was back on board there too. Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah, and it's very clearly right away here, we realized that we're using physical abuse as a metaphor for God. Yup. Yeah. You only physically abuse me once in a while is what she says about her dad. Yeah.

And Jesus is like, so you know, that was a lot like God. Then, I guess. Yes. What was that supposed to mean? Is he admitted like, just God and Mary at Walmart trying to deal with Jesus having a meltdown? All angry. Well, it's the argument from God, the abusive husband, right?

God wouldn't punish you if you didn't make him. Right? If you had God's dinner ready at 6 p.m. we wouldn't have gotten a beaten. Right. He wouldn't have been so mad. Also, I wanted Jesus to follow it and be like, cool, so your dad spanked you. Reasonable. Did your dad ever, like, I don't know, burn you in fire forever? Because that's where this is going to fall apart. Like even if, even if it's 2005, which is way too late to still be okay with spanking, but even if it is 2005 and we're in the middle of Kentucky somewhere and hitting your children's thing, my dad does the burning and fire forever thing. We insert that here. It's insane. So then there's some more B roll. So we can all pretend that there are different scenes

in this movie and that one's over, right? Right. Dicley mid word, which is why, and by the way, we have to talk about the B roll of this, everyone in this movie has never been in a restaurant. Never seen a restaurant. Yeah, recently released from some kind of hospital situation. There's a girl and I watched it. I cry will laugh right could not stop watching it.

She starts to raise a fork to her mouth. She laughs right at whatever someone has said and it's a bad fake laugh. She's still trying to put the fork in through the fake laughs. He's stabbing herself through the cheek. I'm laugh eating people like she might work too and just be like, yes, human fork delicious.

Waiter, a new fork. There's a soup in my fly. Waiter a new fork. There's a soup in my fly. Tentacle comes out and just whips the knife and doormouth. And then once again, she opens the scene by summarizing the last point, right? So she's like, so wait, are you saying there's no, there's nothing we can do to earn God's love? And he's like, let's go back to the Muslims. I'm like, that's a good start for an answering Kentucky. And okay, you have to help me here. Is the argument that like Muslims don't know the exact amount of prayers they're supposed

to do. So they're wrong. Yep. Yeah. And they give to the poor, but they don't know the exact right amount. It's, uh, it's a nickel. They don't even have nickels. Fucking dumb. That seems to be the argument. And then we get a little more, you know, no, this is a different scene B role. I get like at this point, I'm writing my notes, is there an event horizon of a black hole right outside my window? How am I only 28 minutes into this? I was so, I just thinking about

you guys watching this movie made me so happy because it's every time you think something's going to happen, there's just a shot of three incredibly ugly people putting like Italian food in their ear holes because they've never eaten before. And then they're talking about the exact same fucking thing again. I was bleeding profusely from my foot at this point, his pouring blood. All right, so this is the part two where he goes like, he starts doing like, who's the best person in the worst person you can think of thing. Right now the best person she can think of is mother Teresa.

I'm like, and that struck me as like, remember in the GOP primary debates when they asked him like what woman should be on the money and all of them are like, fuck my mom. I don't know a woman shit. And Sarah Palin's like all the women. Nope, that's stupid. Karlie Fierina, are you saying yourself, Miss Fierina, are you saying yourself? Sarah Palin's like all the women. Nope, that's stupid. I see. It doesn't make sense. Carly Fierina, are you saying yourself, Miss Fierina, are you saying yourself? Is that because that's the only woman you know.

My daughter, I killed her. She could be on the money because she's dead. Can't be on money if you're alive. And then she get a pretty good answer for a worse person. She gets Hitler, but like eventually. Yeah, she says, she says, I don't know, worse person, bin Laden, Jeffrey Dahmer, maybe, maybe Hitler. Like she's not ready to say Hitler.

Right, right. He's your head. Dahmer had 17 victims. I'm pretty sure that's the number. Hitler's numbers are disputed. I like her to be able to pick one of those. Yeah, so she does eventually settle on mother Teresa was the best person. Hitler was the worst. And then he's like, okay, so where do you fall on the scale of Mother Teresa to Hitler? She puts yourself dead in the middle.

Ooh, I'd kill half the Jews. Yeah. I'm between killing none of the Jews and six million of the Jews. I'm about halfway. She's also like, look, I mean, I know we know we brought this up before but Mother Teresa is a terrible goddamn Person so she's midway between a person who tortured the disadvantage in week and person who tortured them more Right person who arranged for camps of such a thing. Yeah Jesus, but the point is is he's like yeah, but compared to God's moral standard

You guys are all pretty fucking awful. You Hitler, Mother Teresa. Yeah. So the point that he's making here is that compared to God, Hitler and Mother Teresa are the same. But again, even on that insane scale, like, no, it goes up to 11 of goodness. They're not the same. You don't get to, you don't get to just be like, no, you see, I'm doing it live. Yeah, I can't use the fucking size of the perceivable universe as an argument that I'm really close to Eli right now. Actually, my, my dick is huge. If you try to look at it with a microscope. So please say that. Well, and also this is not an argument in favor of your religion. It's an argument against your moral standard, right?

So your moral standard is so fucking high that there's pretty much no difference between mother Teresa and Hitler, right? That's, that means the moral standard needs to go. But I really wanted somebody at the next table to stop and be like, what the fuck are you talking about? That's what you need Hitler is bad, bin Laden is bad, stop being weird. So you need to say what I just said, say it back to me. But I'm just saying they're all the same. Good, good.

No bad on both sides on both sides. It's plenty of good people. And then he gets all like pissed off with her and he's just going like, so what? You want a universe with no inherent sense of justice? And she's like, you mean the one that we live in right now? He's like, stop changing the subject. We're not talking about reality. This is religion. Damn it.

His actual response is so you're fine with 9-11. Yes. And look, Jesus, you're fine with 9-11. Yes. And look Jesus. I don't like to give notes, but maybe don't bring up 9-11. Yeah, right. Oh, one of us is omnipotent. Isn't he shit? My bad. Yeah. And also I love the idea that fucking dinner with Jesus is just like Jesus has nothing to say that you wouldn't have found on a door to door missionaries flow chart, right?

Jesus has no original thoughts or anything. Right. But all of this is leading to God taking the penalty on himself. And I wanted him so badly, you're just be like, you know how your dad used to spank himself instead when you were really bad. So I mean, God kills himself is basically what they're saying, though. Yeah. I mean, God, God's like the good guy from Les Mizz.

Javier, remember? What the fuck? Well, and he gets the, like as fucked up as that that point is he actually finds a fucked up way to get there He's like let's say your daughter grows up to be a heroin addicted murderer Fucking what? Oh my god. He's like okay. I got an example this will clarify it for your daughter She's hooked on heroin. She's sucking Dix left in right up talking Ask and she's just she's stealing quarters out of the bottom of your purse and you could just see the calm on her old stain closed

there's blood coming out of a rectum. Would you still love her? I'm going somewhere with this. I'm Jesus. Yeah, what's he argument there though? Like God made the daughter at that point, right? And made her take heroin. So now he has to kill her.

But also has to kill himself or not me. I'm Jesus. So kill me. It's not clear. Now you owe him now. You're welcome. You owe God now for what the thing I just said. Yeah. Well, eventually this works around too. But you owe him now. You're welcome. You owe God now for what the thing I just said. Yeah.

Right. Well, eventually this works around too, like, but you love your daughter. So even if she was a heroin addicted murderer, you would die in her place if you could, right? And I so wanted the mom to go, well, no, not if she was a, she murdered people in shit. But she's like, of course I wouldn't. He's like, it's just like that. And I'm like, wait, wait, is mom also the jury, the judge, the legislative branch and the fucking executive in this scenario? Because then I'm just making sure I got a splash cut to her standing up and shooting herself in the head in the middle of the trial.

Don't worry everybody. I got this. You're free to go, daughter. Also, like that just because that's emotionally true, like wouldn't you take your daughter? Doesn't mean it's just, right? We wouldn't want a legal system where you could be like, hi, I'd like to swap these. Yeah. It defeats his whole point. All she has to do is say, yeah, but we wouldn't want a system like that, right? And he'd be like, oh, yeah, I escaped from the hospital.

I got this suit from a mannequin, I fucked. What's more mannequin? But of course, she's super convinced at this point. So she turns to me and she asks the very important question. She's like, what does God want from me? Aspics, maybe I don't, your eternal loyalty and trust. Yeah. 10% of your money. That would help. And vote Republican. But she's still not quite grasping the whole

Trinity thing. She's like, wait, I still don't get the whole your God, your, I'm God's youth. And he's like, no, no, no, yeah, I'm God. And she he's like no no no yeah I'm God and she's like oh right I suddenly remember that you're insane let me escape yeah she's I wrote my notes oh sure now she's gonna leave that was too far yeah so she rushes off to the lady's room she's talking to herself and she's like oh my God this man just told me that he was God. And then we get comic relief bathroom stall lady. Shitter lady. Yeah, she comes out and she goes, all men think that they're God, honey, just make sure he pays for the meal. And we're supposed to fucking die, right? Or did we? I don't know. It's it's such a weird comedic moment. It's such an insane way to insert comedy into their movie. It's just like someone who comes out with toilet paper on her shoe. Oh boy, honey. Don't follow me in there. It's because of the great food here at

Papino. My wife's in the movie. My wife's in the movie and she does some of her great stand-up. You hear me? She does. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. I feel like they're like they probably said, also I want to show them how clean the bathroom saw in one of the scenes. You got to figure out a way. Yeah. Okay. So then she comes back out and now we have the moment where she's like, she's torn between the exit and to desert.

Desert. Haha. Yeah. I mean, leave because this is a crazy person, but dessert did, I mean, like, he's never related to a character in a movie we've watched more. I was born. I was born. I was born.

I was born. I was born. I was born. I was born. I was born. I was born. I was born. I was born.

I was born. I was born. I was born. I was born. I was born. I was born. But yeah, she's looking at the exit sign and then like thinking about dessert and then she looks over back at fucking Jesus And he gives away two full glasses of Brinnello and then I was furious at that point I mean, is she came from Granada Trinidadian and Tobago All right, well, I feel like if this movie is gonna take a piss break than so am I but first let me give what we're Terming act three for the purposes of our formula, the hard sell here. Did that fish look undercooked to you? Should she have gone with the carbonara? What are they thinking in terms of dessert? Find out the answers to these questions and

very little else when we return for the time dilating conclusion of the perfect stranger. Order salmon with Brunello, go fuck yourself, get a steak, you fucking bitch! Oh damn it! You know as one watches the perfect stranger, one can't help but wonder what they might do in that situation. Well, I don't know about you, but here at God off of movies we have a doodly do for just such a situation. Noah, please sit down. I'm Jesus Christ. You are, huh? Yes. And I want you to know that I'll know you've always been okay. Uh, well, Noah, I want to know that I can you in your baby cancer giving eyeballs. Okay, look, I know that you have made this.

Fuck you and your baby cancer giving plague, causing negligently homicidal, homophobic anti-science face forever. Okay, I'm gonna go. No, no, no, no, I'm just getting started here. Ha. Ha. He's sit down. I am Jesus Christ. Cool. Cool. Heath. I'm going to get the linguine. Oh, the calamari too. Is the calamari good here? Have you been here? Because when calamari is good, it's amazing.

But I don't want to have it if it's going to be, you know, it gets like ruffery someplace. Did you hear what I said? I'm Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm Heath, I heard you. Did you hear what I said about the calamari? Like, how is it? I feel like you've been here, right? You said you'd been here. Is it good? Fine. Okay, I'm gonna get the calamari.

Okay, I want to talk to you about your time. And the garlic bread, obviously. The garlic bread too. Eli, please sit down. I'm Jesus Christ and quick question. No, no, you can't fuck my hand holes. Okay. Well, no, I won't magic you hand holes to fuck. Okay? Okay. You you want to talk about yourself? Nah, I'm good. Okay. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left our hero. She was I in the exit door longingly in the only convincing acting she'd done in the movie.

But when we were joining her, she's decided to stay. So she can demand that Jesus prove he's the unique son of God. And have a canole. Well, well, she's there anyway. Yeah, she says, just bring me a canole after he orders dessert. Yeah. So first of all, the singular is canolo idiot. Canole is plural. But who gets just one? I fucking hate you. One canole. Really? That's a multiple, you get a plate, it's one mozzarella stick. No. Let me get a wing. You screw the cup, pour it in my hand for a dime.

All right, so yes, they're actually ordering God damn dessert. And then, and then he's gonna go ahead and prove it, right? He's gonna prove he's Jesus. He's gonna prove the Christianity is real. Question, is he gonna prove it by, you know, using his Jesus magic? Well, no, she's like, yeah, just, you know, prove it with one little magic thing

is all that it would take and he's like, but then what? And she's like, then I'll definitely believe in you. I don't get the question. Yes. True. At one time, and we're all on board, you cryptic fucking asshole. Just do one thing.

Well, right. But see, that's the thing. It's a movie they're trying to convince us, not her. So he has to do it through the Bible. So he says, okay, let me ask you this. Did you ever read the prophets? And she's like, yeah, I actually do remember the Greek misinterpretationists of Jewish Fables about people who ate poop and scrolls and were

therefore deemed trustworthy by people 2000 to 4000 years ago. What are the odds? And he's like, isn't it amazing that they predicted exactly what would later be retrofitted onto me? He says they predicted crucifixion before the Romans invented it. What? I want to be there for that revelation. My brothers, I've had a vision. Oh, you should have a vision. All right. Tell us, brother. What did you see? It's the Messiah. He shall die on the cross.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Did you say he'll die on the cross? Yes. What is that? Yeah. I don't think that's a thing. What do you mean?

The cross? Hundreds of years from now, the Romans, they'll make a great cross of wood and they They shall nail him to it. Okay gross. Yeah Why though like to hold them up like a declaration? No, just the the hands and the feet technically wrists, but Right, okay. Well, then you need a square, right? Or like maybe an axe for like a spread eagle. Right. Okay.

No, it's a one nail for both feet, like on top of each other. To try to save money. Well, I mean, that, that seems silly. Why not do the hands with one nail too? I mean, just kill people with like a lowercase L at that point. I can call it the stick of death. That was saving money. Okay, you know what? Money.

You guys aren't taking this seriously, and if you're not going to take it seriously, I'm not going to tell you about how they break your legs to smother you. Okay, well none of that makes sense. Like they put your nonsense. Broken foot in your mouth and you choke. You know what? Never mind. That's what I'm picturing too.

It seems weird. Safety. I guess also what part of the fucking Bible is he talking about? Who knows? Oh, yeah, this, this may be the dumbest fucking apologetic I've ever heard. And I've heard but trees though. Jesus. And then we start talking about Peter Jennings. We will spend the rest of the movie basically talking about Peter Jennings, won't we?

Enemy of the people. Okay. I had to look this up. There was like a Peter Jennings special about like a historical Jesus and apparently the Christians lost their goddamn minds about it. When I looked up on Wikipedia, it's like Peter Jennings mentioned Jesus in passing. And then the controversy pages 98 pages long. Yeah, right.

Right. Yeah, but no, it was a big deal when it came out in a sense because it's like, yeah, here's what we know about Jesus. Notice it doesn't have anything to do with him being the son of God or rising from the dead, right? So they're gonna basically spend the rest of the movie refuting that documentary. Right. His opening here is, well, according to Peter Jennings,

either I was God lying or crazy. And I wanted to just be like, that's true. One of those things is true. It could be a combo. It could be, you could be lying and crazy. Yeah, right. Right, or any number of other things, I mean, I think I can come up with 11 other possibilities

that start with the letter L. But yeah, yeah, he does the lunatic liar or Lord Gambit. And then he's like, well, no, I did prove that I was gun. She's like, how? He's like, I rose from the dead. She's like, well, no, I did prove that I was gun. She's like, how is like I rose from the dead? She's like, yeah, but there's no proof of that. And she's like, he's like, stop being a bitch about it though. Actually, the waiter shows up. Well, you ride it. Right. It's so good. Right. What he's doing that? He's like, I'm a zombie proven. Oh, hello, waiter. I'm not. Do you heard me?

Did you hear me? What's the last thing you heard me say? Like, by far, not the worst moment of this dinner that the waiter could have showed up for. It could have been like, I love Hitler. Sorry. Sorry, your own were friends. The daughters getting so big crazy.

The way that's pretty cool. I can tell you, as a server, that wouldn't be the top 10 weirdest conversations I had on the daughters getting so big crazy. And they're waiting. It's pretty cool. I can tell you, as a server, that wouldn't be the top 10 weirdest conversations I had on a shift. If I walked over and someone was like, I'm a zombie, I'd be like, cool, I'm just going to take your bread plate. Just lift your arm. Try night to, try to eat my brains.

Yeah. And then, okay, so they pause for an absurdly long time because the dessert got there and the fucking manager of Papino steps in and says, ah, it's very quick to dessert here, huh? And they walks off. Perhaps you would both like to take a bite at the same time. savoring. Maybe make the yummy eyes like the. Oh, yeah. There we go. Now you can go back to talking about whether or not Jesus is the born, risen God. And at this point, she could see it said, well, you know, I rose from the dead and she goes,

well, you are alive. And this movie is so stupid. I can't imagine what point they're trying to make with that observation. Well, he is alive. He's not dead at all. So you'd have if you rose from the dead, you would have to be alive now. So everything does track. Yeah.

I think that's when they were going. I can't dispute that. Right. And then he says, he says just the facts. No, no, he says it. He says the disciples didn't expect me to rise from the dead Even though I told them I was gonna rise from the dead really yes seems like if you're told them that's well I mean I read the Bible though the disciples were profoundly stupid right like even after the third time

He did the fish drink. He's like, but we're not going to have enough fish. Guys, did you see what I did with the fish the last fucking time? Jesus, I'm just going to do that again. Obviously. I want to shuffle the fish. Let me show you. And then we get the argument from no, no, the Romans were awesome at killing people.

They wouldn't have accidentally not quite killed me on the crucifix on the cross there. We did this to a guy in Mississippi last year and he's like, no, trust me, Romans finished the fucking work. So and then and here's an actual fucking quote. He says, but she's like, well, what if all the disciples were just lying about seeing you risen from the dead? And he goes, so you're saying to me that the people who launched the greatest force for good, the world is ever known, did that based on something they knew to be a lie? I'm like, no, we were talking about the people who launched Christianity, bro. Not fucking porn hub. I just wrote my notes.

Someone hasn't watched Wild Wild Country. Right. Right. Right. Jesus. Jesus. He goes, did you know that every single one of the disciples was eventually persecuted and murdered for their belief? And she's like, is there any evidence of that? And he's like, are you calling Peter Jennings a liar?

People die for a lie all the time. People are fucking stupid, right? Like crazy and lying. We were just talking about this. Yeah. You understand that argument. And sometimes people died because the Romans just wanted to kill them and it really wouldn't have mattered what they said at that point, right? Right. And we're hearing all of this through second hand sources hundreds of years later.

So we don't know what the fuck that made Peter was like, he was just a guy. He was just a guy. Please, please, please, please, he was just a guy. He was just a guy and they killed him. He was just a guy. He was just a guy. Please, please, please, please, he was just a guy. He was just a guy. He was just a guy and they killed it. Right, right. Exactly. And since we only have even that one suggested second hand bullshit motivated record of a single Apostle getting killed. There's no reason to say all of them did. You're just making shit up at that point. Anyway, but because this movie doesn't do rebuttals, she moves on constantly. It's like she makes a great point. He says some weird dumb bullshit and she's like, okay, moving on. Stop moving on.

Jesus. So, okay, so then she moves on to all the horrible shit that this greatest force for good the world has ever known did through history, which again is not proof that God doesn't exist or that it does, but the response is that all the Christians from the pogroms and the crusades were not true Scotsmen. They were, they were, they were Scotsmening incorrectly. You see, they don't. And she literally, she literally basically goes, that sounds like bullshit. And he's like, yeah, it's bullshit.

You want to talk about something else? What about the fact that like a whole bunch of your followers are terrible, terrible people for society. And he's like, what about that? And she's like, I didn't have a follow-up. Do I need a follow-up? What? You get a, you get a finish your cake? No, and he won't eat that fucking bite cake. He's holding a really good looking bite of strawberry and maretta cake on his fork for like 20 minutes here, I'll stab you. So man.

And this is the point where both Eli and Heath snows just descend into insanity. Because he said something about like, I wanted all my people to live like new people in the land of whatever, but they didn't. And then she says, wait, what did you mean by live like new people to which Eli is written in the notes as a cue? What do you mean you people? Oh, I thought that I thought that is what he said too. He didn't say you. Thank you.

Thank you. He said, only Jesus can say savior. You have to say savior. Yeah. Say yeah. I wanted a black waiter to be standing right there. They're just like, Oh, yeah.

And so this is where he tries to suggest penetration. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus that God, she needs to let God inside of him. She needs to stop clenching up so much. Yeah. Woof. She says, live inside you.

And I wanted him to just keep going, you know, where your skin, kiss your loved ones, like they've never been kissed before. You're making it weird. You need to let God fuck your husband, you watch, you watch. And then he gave up. Yeah, yeah, would you please do a dramatic writing of your notes for us here? Sure, sure. Here's exactly what was going through my face right now while I was trying to watch this. God fucking damn it. So bad. So I hate this movie so much. Like I really, really hate it. This is the least pleasant time in my life. So unhappy right now. Should I bite

off my hand so I can go to the hospital? No, that's too extreme. Okay, what if I get arrested for something small? I could get out of doing the rest of it like that. I'm going to go out and dick slap a cop, but kind of soft. Is that a good idea? No, still probably a little too much. Googling very small crime. And then I learned there's a Netflix show called Small Crimes. I'm going to watch that incident. Did you guys know Boogie Nights is on Netflix now? Love that movie. Gonna watch Boogie Nights.

Meth looks fun. So does porn. Let's watch porn instead of fish movies for now. So that was my next half hour. You know, I had a thought during this because I kept thinking that this was about to be porn and I thought, you know, it would be great. We could start a Christian porn company, right? So it's like regular porn that has a Christian message at the very end.

And then so we get Christians to finance all our porn because they'd be like, yeah, sure. That's great way to get the sinners. But then we also release a verse version that doesn't have that ending I think that'd be a great idea. All right, so But now she is pretty much already like convinced. She's like, you know, I've never heard anything like this before Even though it's the exact same thing that every Baptist says if you let him talk for five minutes And he's like, I know I know it's because nobody would sit all the way through it unless they had Patreon donors paying their rent and they had already promised the last week that this was what they were going to do and didn't realize the boogie nights was on Netflix.

He stopped watching the movies before they did them. They were all sort of stuck because it started watching on a Thursday. It's been a busy week. Just got back for Chicago. That's so. Yeah. And now it's time for the movie to end. I'm fucking kidding.

No, it's not. They're gonna have after dessert coffee for fuck's sake. Yeah. Yeah. I actually caught the word coffee here. That's a battle I caught in the movie. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna make myself some coffee. It was fun.

So what are you guys doing with coffee, by the way? I've been going back and forth with Chemex and fresh. Yesterday I used Chemex, so that was good. I'm grinding at a number 22. I'm grinding it at 18 myself. You're doing it in 18? Yeah, because I make an espresso a lot. That's a mistake.

Oh, for espresso. Nope, I use it for everything. But I tend to use the arrow an espresso a lot. That's a mistake. Oh, for espresso. Nope. I use it for everything, but I tend to use the arrow press quite a bit. You don't know what you're doing. You're doing it at like, like, 100 degrees. That's this movie. Yeah, right. I was going to say, I was going to say, if this was, if one of you guys was Jesus, that

that you would have this movie on a fucking, on a fucking lockdown there. But yeah, yeah, no, so we can,, so we gotta do better than that for our podcast. Jesus, then a little more B roll. Or actually, this is what I wrote in my notes. And then a little bit more B roll followed by a lot more B roll. Oh my God, it's amazing. Also, there's definitely a, she wants to fuck Jesus to the rest of this movie. Oh yeah.

Right? Like the dinners over in the coffee's got, and she's won over. Like she keeps being like crazy. This has been so amazing. It's like, what do we do now? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Lay, I don't know. Do you have any idea? Well, and here's the thing though, the guy who's playing Jesus in this is also the guy that wrote this movie and produced this movie. So what happened here is he paid this girl to pretend to be attracted to him, right? He's like, and then, and then from here on, you want to fuck Jesus really bad.

And she's like, why would I want to fuck Jesus? You go because I'm paying the bills and you want to fuck Jesus bad. Oh, it's nonsense. She's doing the conversational equivalent of faking an orgasm. Just like staring at him nodding. Uh-huh. You are interesting. This is fascinating stuff. Gross. You are good at poetry. Let me read you another one. What's your fourth favorite Pokemon? Okay. Now I feel attacked. Is poetry thing was on the line, but we crossed the Now we're talking about why God doesn't show himself to people. Thank you. We're talking about why God doesn't show

Yeah, she says well, can't God just appeared to everyone. He's like I already did that She's like really that was everyone just that one little tiny place way before they had TV or science He's like that is as much as Fuck off. All right, just I'm doing it right now and she's like well, I mean For me this is on pure Flix and right. One weird angry podcast. You're not just fucking on it. Yeah, but this is where he's like, no, no, there's plenty of evidence that I'm actually

the son of God. I'm not going to tell you what any of it is because if you wanted to know, you would already know what it is though. So the actual sentences, people have all the evidence they need. It's a matter of the heart. At this point, a part of me actually thought Noah was about to show up in my screen and roundhouse kick this guy in the face. No, it's evidence. Fuck your heart. Fuck. Look at me. Fuck your heart.

Do one real thing. Do one real thing. Do it. Do it now. Now. Do it now. And then she says, like, out of nowhere, she's like, but what about all those contradictions in the Bible?

And he's like, for example, and she's like, oh, I don't know any because if I did, we couldn't have me bring them up in this movie. Here, why don't I just place this beach ball onto this tea and hand you a cricket bat? Yeah. That's just if you can get it. It's your single. Yeah. Yeah. He says, well, I'll give you an example of a contradiction. In one book, it says I healed two people on the way out of Jericho and one, and a different book, it said, I only healed people on the way out of Jericho and then one, and a different book, it said, I only healed one. And I'm like, oh my God, he's about to go Jericho, moves around a lot, isn't he?

Is he going to use troubles? Argument, he didn't, but it was even worse. He's just like, well, you know, sometimes people don't mention all the people I care of blindness. Yeah, you know, if I was writing down the word of God, I'd be a bit more accurate than the metaphor he uses, which is telling a story about going to the movies. Yeah, that's me. That's me. You know how you didn't mention the ethnicity of your Uber driver during that story. I'm going to hide. It's like, you know, when you heal a blind guy magically, you don't mention

like the second one at that point, it's irrelevant. Like, you have one blind guy. That's the point of the story. Well, you love it. That's the point of the story. Well, you love it. That's the contradiction they go with though, right? Because that's the one that really throws people is like, wait a minute, this religion is bullshit. How many blind guys did he heal on the way into Jericho? You know, not something like the Adam and Eve story directly contradicting the previous

chapter. And then we have this amazing moment of almost realization where she goes, okay, but what about the fact that like evolution is clearly true and creation is clearly false? And he's like, yeah, scientists are dicks. Yeah, all of them. Right. No, he said because scientists hate Jesus so much. Apparently, his argument here is that, well, the scientists don't want to be held accountable to Jesus because of the porn. Now we're done with that argument.

Yep. Puckin' what? Sciences spiked. Science was made for spiked. Yes, it's the whole point of science, I guess. Darwin wrapping a string around a finch being like, fuck you God, oh, I'm gonna get you so good. I'm gonna get you some good tag in these finches. And then she asks if there's a hell so we can reflect on where all of those spiteful scientists

are going to wind up. And again, it was like, all right, moving on. Is there help? No, just stop fucking moving on. Right. You're not asking like any of your questions were answered at all in this entire movie. No. Yeah. Yeah. No shit. And then he's like, oh, yeah, no, there's, there's a hell. My dad burns everybody there that doesn't love him. And she's like, wouldn't that be a horrible thing to do? And he's like, no, those people want to go to hell

and so God respects their choices. He respects their choices because according to this movie, burning in fire forever is an unforced relationship. Yep. I wonder how that would work in other relationships. Ha ha ha ha. Hey Noah, can I borrow your headphones? Relationships. Ha ha ha ha. Okay, I respect that choice. Eli, what are you doing? I am respecting your choice, Noah.

This is not respecting my choice. This is burning me for not doing what you want. Well, Noah, forced relationship isn't a good one. So, you know. Okay, fine, you can borrow my headphones. Jesus. I love you too. Please just don't put the cord up your butt. I'm going to put the cord up my butt.

Okay, that just actually happened. Well, yeah, I was going to say he didn't realize I had the recorder on. God respects atheism. We're not being detained. We can burn forever. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And then she thinks about that for a second. She's like, huh, that makes perfect sense

since you wrote this line for me. I suppose that explains the way the problem of evil too, huh? He's like, sure does moving on. But his actual answer is that God suffered the most. Yeah. Yeah, God suffered more than anyone. And I don't think that counts. Like God was clearly into that shit.

Like, he's been like whipping himself and masturbating since day one. And it was good. Yeah, like that. Also, I don't think that matters, right? If I suffered more, that doesn't give me the ability to go out there and smack you around a bit. Like, hey, man, I'm open fucking handy or I got punched.

Right. I wanted to just pull out the Pennsylvania Grand Jury Stavin. Oh, God, suffer the most. Okay. Wow. Going through this. I got 900 pages to go. No, it's not do that one. But then of course Jesus hits on her real issue. Daddy problems. Yay. Dad, dad club.

Oh, I've never been so close and so far from the end of the same movie. Jesus. Jesus. Yeah, but so she's like, well, why did God kill my dad? And he's like, you know, it was part of the plan. Whoo, what a plan. It is still mad about that. That's what my dad beat up your dad and killed him. Yes, yes.

So kind of a little bit, a little bit nifed about the murdering my dad when I was 13. Yep, a little bit. Cool. Cool. Yeah. And then they also throw in that our parents were divorced because they, they seem to think they needed both. They had to check off both.

They were an or that they didn't realize was there in the how to make a Christian movie fucking flow chart. Yeah. And then Jesus is trying to like be nice about this and like, consoler, he's like, yeah, your dad was really sad about the divorce. It almost killed him to lose you because you know, it lost custody. And then my dad killed him. It's weird that I said almost it almost killed you.

But like a dead, a dead and a man. God. I killed your dad. Well, and at this point I was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on here. I realized what we were what we were listening to there was like the writer sending a coded message to his daughter that he's not allowed to talk to until he makes up the child support, right? That makes no sense in any other fucking way. He's like, yeah, I bet your dad wishes that he could be around you, but that bitch, Mama Ears will not let him hurt her.

Carefully. And again, is the message here? So divorce and my dead dad was also that I'd end up loving you. And he's like, yeah. And she's like, oh, does that sound good when I say it? No, it doesn't sound good the way. Right. Was there any way for you to make me love you and not kill my dad?

Giant pause. You talk now because your serial killer, fellow, like it was your turn. I set you up to explain yourself for, for being a serial killer. No, you have anything? To be fair, though, you didn't explain yourself for, for being a serial killer. No. You have anything? To be fair though, you didn't bring that up until just now. We didn't think you want to go back to the Pennsylvania thing. So, through that one more time. I'm out here's the first one moving on. No. Okay. Fine. The second one moving on. No. Stop moving on. No. Did you hear the build on a hue response though? He says that there's

not a problem. No, there isn't not at all. Jesus Christ. Okay. And so then she's like, basically she's like, she asked him straight up, she's like, okay, so was my suffering part of God's plan or what? And he's like, let me tell you a convoluted Bible story. Instead of directly answering a question that makes us sound horrible as a religion, if I just use plain English, it's going to be a little bit of a diversion here.

He tells the story of the prodigal son and the message there is like, he wouldn't come home if it hadn't been so bad. So, yep, that's still about me. I keep coming back to everything. Me. Yeah, then we get like a little flashback to her dad's sparsely attended funeral. It's just her there. And she. Kis right. She's kissing her dead dad and his coffin.

That's gross. It's very we I mean, I think open caskets are very weird that you all display your dead like flowers and to begin with, but it's extra weird that she's like making out with him. Yeah. Do people kiss the corpse in an open casket? My mother-in-law's funeral, one dude did it and I was just like, you like mouth kiss to be mouth kiss. No, it was a cheat kiss. I feel like you blow a kiss if you're gonna do it. You go for it. You make the body instead of

being an asshole. There you go. They could use that shit. Yeah. Maybe not my body, but it's a good, it's a good practice. But yeah, um, but then lift up the hand and high five it. There we go. Hardy handshake. We can do the bump and blow blow it up. There it is. All right. We got in a suicide bombing. That's not tasteful. You don't do the open casket after a suicide bombing, Eli. I know you're not familiar with it with, you know, you're upbringing. Okay. It's unrelated, but when I was in high school, a friend of mine died in a car crash and he had gotten all messed up, so they made a doll of him and put that in the open casket and it was fucking insane. That's pretty fucking insane.

I literally, I think it was one of the craziest moments of my child who were just walking up to the casket and be like, okay, I'm gonna see my friend Andy. And then it was just a doll and I was like, oh! Maybe he was faking his death. Y'all, that would have been cool. Andy, if you're listening, hit me up.

Yeah, I could have been this. Creeping the fuck out and And then this is where Jesus starts actually saying some super wise stuff right or At least that's what we're led to believe because the sounds often it's a montage with music playing over it now All right, so now she's come full circle. She believes that it's really Jesus. Also the waiter would like his autograph just in case he's really Jesus. Oh my God. And they are chairs on table. The last people in the restaurant. Yeah. There's no way the waiter wants his autograph. The waiter wants to fucking spitting his open mouth.

There's all the certain wait staff in the cook's role. Just flicking piss on him from behind. I feel like that that was just the credit card receipt staff in the cooks are all just flicking piss on them from behind. I feel like that that was just the credit card receipt, right? And he's just like, Hey, man, can I get your autograph because I'm such a big fan right here below the price? The fuck out of here. We roll around on the shroud too. It's just a day.

You're just like, bloody yourself. I'll blow that roll right perfect. And then she asked him to tell her about heaven and his actual quote is heaven. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm. Heaven's heaven's super, super cool. Only four stars on Yelp, but some people are all the trolls. They fuck up your scores.

Not much of Muslims. It's so funny because they can't, they can't make their heaven sound good, right? This is your, this is your big sales pitch. And he's just like, oh, you remember the happiest you ever felt? Yes, I do. It's better than that. Yeah, he's just, you remember when you stood in front of the grand canyon and she's like, yeah, he's like, it's like that times a hundred million. In what way is it like that?

Is it that much deeper? And he's like, no, just like in terms of like, whoa. And he excuses the fact that heavens obviously an absurd concept that doesn't hold up to the slightest bit of thought by being like, it's like trying to describe snow to the ab originals. I feel like I can do that. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can do that. So you know water? You guys know water?

I feel like we're we're, we have started now, right? Cooler. Yes, you go. But finally she goes like, you know, I'm still not getting it. And he's like, yeah, it's because it doesn't actually make sense. It's just words that we say until people get too bored to keep asking us questions. We've really been, we've been nailing that for 2,000 years now. And then quite out of the blue, it, we start talking about how she needs to quit her job because the people at her job are doing illegal things and. Yes.

Yeah. No, there's 10 minutes left in the movie. I feel like it's a great time to set up a plot point. That's what we saw. Better get the action going now. And she takes, she takes, you should quit your job so much harder than she takes hell exists. She's like, oh yeah, people burn in fire forever, huh? No, I can't leave my job. I have an executive assistant. I have so many sick days built up. Yeah. Jesus

rose from the dead, makes sense. God can love Matt when you're mad at him. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, right. And then this is where he goes to pay the bill and she sees his crucifixion scars. Oh, yeah. This is amazing.

But where she's like, I thought they were through your hands and he's like, no, wrist, stronger that way. I wanted to be like, oh, I, uh, uh, and he just gives her the finger and runs out. Just like, fuck you. Atheist, Gidden, camera show. You're so good. Ha, ha.

Yeah, so they go to leave. Uh, and then, you know, he's got to talk to the fucking valet for a little while before they can hang out because Jesus is so cool even with the Hispanics. Right. And you're all waiting to get in the cab and everyone's like, he the Uber is here, but he's too busy fucking exchanging numbers with the goddamn valet. Yeah. Oh, the help.

And then she says, Hey, you know, you promised to tell me who set all of this up. If I sat all the way through dinner, who was it? And he's like, it was you. You prayed for me to make all this make sense. It was like 22 years ago. So it's way too late for it to help you. But what is that flashback? Some little girl is like, dear God, please bring daddy back to life. And Jesus is like, I'm going to take this woman out to a mediocre dinner in 22 years. We're in the calendar, Gabriel, 22 years taking this woman out for Olive Garden Plus. I'm going to make it all better. I don't know. It felt like minus, like those weren't unlimited breadsticks. And also, okay, so this is the part where like the her wanting to fuck Jesus really comes to the four. Oh my god. And he is swooping out of the way of those signals like heath at an atheism

convention. She's just like, when do I see you again? And he's like, I don't know. Crazy, like take a picture, right? Oh. I don't understand, see. Blink, you saw me. Oh, it's fun. Can I get your number? Here's my Facebook for business. Don't write those, like, you know those long messages,

some people write in the message, don't? I mean, pretend it's a tweet. Like, from a couple of years ago, remember what was 140? Do one of those. Yeah, give me one of them. Max it out. Yeah. So he's, but yeah, he avoids the kiss almost like fucking neo-darging bullets, right?

Oh, it's amazing. And truly, this movie should be called Friend Zone by Jesus. You're right. Oh, it's amazing. And truly, this movie should be called Friend Zone to Pich Jesus. Right. She actually leans in at one point and he like dodges it. And then she's in her car. And she kind of like leans out the window as if she's going to try to give him any blocks it. He holds the door closed. He's like, no, hand to the forehead. He practically rolls up the window for her with his magic pouches. He lifts her sliding her on along the window. Okay, night night. Bye. And then I was like, wait, she runs out of the car crying and throws her arms around and he's like, we're still not gonna fuck. Oh, I don't know. Bad noogie get out of here. Who's getting a

backtapping hug? You're getting a backtapping. Tap of the head, guess. And then, okay, so then he gets to and goes to 100 into the darkness. She looks away and then she looks back. And suddenly he's wearing white Jesus robes and has the beard and everything and no longer looks like that amalgamation of 80s school principles for movies. Great timing for a magic trick. You wanna wait.

You wanna wait on the last side. Yeah, I so wanted to turn around too soon and he's like struggling out of his pants. Oh, I'm setting this shit up all night. Okay, so now she drives home and the movie isn't over yet. Dad had to leave the baseball game because of some vomiting of some sort or whatever. So now he's falling asleep on the couch watching the game.

And she's a good wife because she believes in Jesus now and she's going to be a homemaker. Yeah, she's like, we'll talk about it tomorrow, but I had the best date with another man. It's under the limit inside me, sweet dreams. One of the husband to get all mad, just be like, what the fuck, you smell like nard cream?

What's going on? How? How many dicks did you talk to get this nard cream on your face? Let me tell you, let me smell you. And then she goes in to see the daughter because she's a better mom now too, because of the Jesus and our inherent inferiority as human beings. She walks into the daughter's room and Jesus is inside of her.

Funny story. Funny story. You're going gonna laugh. So. All right. And we should point out to that when she was like trying to set up a second date with Jesus, he wrote his number on her on her business card, right? So she goes to pull that out and it turns out that that what he had written there was

Revelation 320. Damn it. This better be something about where to leave my panties. Yeah. So she pulls out this gigantic ridiculously big comically sized Bible and she goes to turn to Revelation three 20 and I swear to fucking God they had a stunt page turner for this idiot. Yeah, it's a she like she's trying to turn them from the top.

They keep tearing out of the. Oh, she turns inside. She turns back to the same page she was just on right. She goes too far turns back to a page before that and goes back to the too far page. She started on and then we cut away and she's on the right page. Are you spreading mayo onto the bad? You're the worst. Who just stupid. Also, how badly you wanted to turn to Revelation 320 is just a picture of Jesus's dick. Oh, that was such a nice, uh, no. And that's it.

We get the little Bible quote. The credits come on. Well, there's still 30 fucking minutes left in the movie because of the silly interview thing that they did to make, to, to, to make time. Now I, I'm going to be super honest. I didn't watch more than one second of those fucking interviews, right? We're not planning on reviewing the interview. It's part thing. Nope. You guys can review them if you want. I don't.

Yeah. I didn't watch it. I literally, the moment the screen went black and white letters were there. I pressed exit. Yeah. No, no, no, shit out of my house into the sea like fucking Virginia wolf. Oh my god. I could tackle a cop. Whatever. I don't care. Like I said, this movie was an hour and five minutes long and also a hundred goddamn years long. All right. Well, I feel like the closing question is pretty obvious here. What would be your dream date with Jesus?

Woo. Okay, I'm thinking like a date of the five senses, like in that problem. But like I lose a sense and then Jesus heals it, you know what I mean? Oh, there you go. There you go. So like, like you fix is my blindness and then like I get, we're like tandem biking and I get paralyzed, but then he heals that and then,

and then we double team a fig tree together. Yeah, right. I was thinking that that could work into the five wounds as well. So, oh yeah, he's whipping out the powers for each part of the day. That's a fun. That's fun.

I mean, call me old fashioned, but I don't know, just like a carnival. He curses a table full of money changers. fun. That's fun. I mean, call me old fashion, but I don't know, just like a carnival. He curses a table full of money, changeers, and a big bear. We just look into each other's eyes at the top of the Ferris wheel. And we want to kiss, but his dad is watching. That's always watching. So you grab his dad's hand too and all three of you just kind of hand the holy ghost. They're weird friend who no preshows up, but he's there. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Getting for getting gang banged by the Trinity is getting. He spoiled it, but yeah, getting gang banged. Almost got a DVD. He got a DVSA. Yeah, they were DA.V. We can figure it out. We can figure it out. You can go one in the mouth one in each. There's a lot of configurations. All right. Well, that's going to do a far review of the perfect stranger, but it's not going to

do it for the episode just yet because we still need to rope you back in next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck, the climate hustle. Oh, God, damn it. It's going to be worse, isn't it? It's an anti climate change documentary. Oh fuck. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 157 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation of patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, you'll be sure to check out our Sibling shows

and skating athia sentation needed and the skeptic are available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoff from movies.gmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law of this as a P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars. And all other music was written and performed by our already-engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen Wright and Eli Bosnick, I'm No Illusions, Promised to Work Hard to earn another chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Jesus walked back into the restaurant, fucked the shit out of Eduardo the waiter. The next day they got engaged and also refused a wedding cake. The salmon was a little dry. I mean it was good, it was good, but it just seemed like it could have been a little juicy. Order a white wine, that point though. Yep. Brown-skinned robe-wearing Jesus was kidnapped by ice and died in custody. I think it's stuck here.

I think it's stuck here. Alright, we all did our own fucking thing. How do you like that, Morgan? Sounds like that. Deal with it. Yeah. I'm just gonna put a five and a seven together. Just all right, assholes.

There you go. Yeah, talk to each other. Nice. I call this the interrupting cast. Okay, every other podcast. Yeah. Somebody's birds are loud. Yeah, that was like super loud bird all of a sudden. Is that on your end, Eli, or not my bird?

That's you, Heath. That's Heathbird. I know. Do not have, I do not have birds near me. That's definitely not on my head. Oh, okay. All right. It's nobody's bird.

More gets your bird. Sure. Full. Talking right away. Yeah. I mean, I know we don't need room noise, but maybe a quick moment of silence for Arita. Hmm. Queen of my city. See the Fox News posted a picture of a different black lady. Did they really? Yeah, they put up one of a different singer.

Yeah. Oh, you're of a different series singer. Oh, you're fucking kidding me. Yeah. Oh, so for years and years, whenever anybody would ask the celebrity, you know, it was celebrity, would you fuck? I'd always say a wreath of Franklin, because can you imagine the sound of a wreath of Franklin coming? Yeah. I mean, good. Yeah. That's what I thought. But now I have to pick a new person. But yeah, like, you know, I don't usually give too much of a shit about celebrity deaths, but you know, I grew up into Troy. She was sort of the queen of Detroit every time. Like, you know, there's, she was constantly on the news.

She's doing some other, like, good thing for the city and opening up something or donating money to something or helping kids get to something, whatever. And so yeah, you know, that one, that one kind of got. Yeah, it's funny how like all of the secrets that got uncovered after a death were just like, yeah, she donated all the proceeds from this song to this charity. Yeah, right, right.

Yeah. So it's not gonna go that well when I die. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. All right, but we do still need the counts, so. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle All right, but we do still need the counts. So the preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2018.

All right, reserved.