God Awful Movies - 159: GAM159 New World Order

Episode Date: September 4, 2018

This week, Thomas Smith joins us for an atheist review of "New World Order", the story of a bunch of people waiting around for a plot to break out. --- Check out more of Thomas Smith on [Serious Inquiries Only](https://seriouspod.com/), The [Opening Arguments](https://openargs.com/) Podcast, [Philosophers in Space](https://0gphilosophy.libsyn.com/), and [Comedy Shoeshine](https://comedyshoeshine.com/). --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

I don't know Eli, you've done some shitty theater at some point, I'm sure. My favorite thing you're doing shitty community theater is when you have a line which is here, take my card. But the other actor takes the card when you say here. And so, then, after that, I have to say, take my card, you still have to say it because it's in the script But you say it with like a bit of sarcasm like every fucking night God awful movie OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fun afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic, Noah, although much like this movie, I made deteriorate into nonsense

and terrible face paint. Really quickly. Yeah. Be prepared. And sitting 27 hundred miles to my left is special guest massacres Thomas Smith. Thomas is the host of serious inquiries, only opening arguments, philosophers in space and the comedy shoe shine podcast. And despite all that, he found time to watch this shitty movie with us. Thomas, welcome back, man. Hey, great to be here. But mainly how much should I read into the fact that whenever I come to the show, he doesn't do it.

He just read, read a lot, read a lot. A lot. Yeah. Yeah. No, wait, wait, wait, this wasn't a plan thing. But when he found out you were going to be here, he's like, you know what? I'm going to have a lit. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, this wasn't a plan thing, but when he found out you were going to be here, he's like, you know what, I'm going to have a fucking birthday. All right, so here's the thing, Thomas.

Last week we had Cara Santa Maria and she had an excuse. She didn't know what we were asking her to do until she'd already said, yes, but you've done this before several times. What the hell is wrong with you? That's the kind of question everyone's mind right now. I love it. You know the thing about watching these shitty movies with you guys is it's actually pretty fun for me. And now it's miserable for you. And I would never, never want your life. But for me to to casually get to dip into it once or twice a year like, oh, I remember those crazy

old movies with the marks of the beast and the Jesus that looks like nothing like Jesus as the shitiest, shlubby guy, which I can't wait to give you. It's fun. And furthermore, I seem to always be doing, unless this is every Christian movie, I've done a lot, I feel like I've done a lot of these rapture, you know, the revelation one. And I kind of, I know the broad strokes now, like I recognize some stuff, you know, it's one. And I kind of, I know the broad strokes now. Like I recognize some stuff, you know, it's like, I feel like I'm, I'm a casual hobbyist. I'm not an expert, but I'm like, yeah, I see what you're in. Susiastic amateur. Yeah.

All right. So you've already sort of hinted at it. But tell us Thomas, what will we be breaking down today? We are breaking down the, the, the fine, finally crafted film, New World Order, which I have to point out on the IMDP page says is still filming. So, I didn't notice that. Explain the quality. I thought it explained so much. I know, I thought at first I was like, oh, clearly, a sub-sort of clerical error there.

And then after watching, I'm like, oh no, that makes sense. Yeah, I'm right. Sure. They're still working on it, but it's just some how we... Yeah, I think we can see the insert, the scenes that make sense later, okay. So now we all tuned into their iMac and like, we're watching the software they're editing it with.

Yeah, and if you also notice on IMDB, I love this. More than half the cast was like, don't put me on the fucking IMDB. You're right. There's like three people on there. No, even when you go to full cast and crew, it's still just the same eight people or whatever you have. You click on full cast and crew and like two names disappear. It's like, like, that's how. Right.

And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love apocalypse movies, but you've always wanted to watch one slowly rot like the economy of Venezuela, you love this movie. Yeah, this is the Venezuelan economy of rapture movies and we've seen leap. So does that mean every single like, onage video of Ben Shapiro talking to Kaseo Cortez is going to be new world order. Oh, oh, healthcare, huh? We'll look at this movie new world order where they're eating rats on sticks.

That's going to, that's going to be their new alt-right thing. They're going to be like, hey, have you ever seen, you like movies, huh? Have you ever seen new world order? All movies are new world orders. All right. So if I'm not mistaken, I went through the list and I believe this is our 21st apocalypse movie, not counting the Muslim apocalypse. And it's movie one of our seventh apocalypse series. Now, Thomas, you've actually done a few of those with us in the past. So where are we rank in this in terms of apocalypse movies, you think? Well, it doesn't have, remind me of the guy's name who I'm David A.R.

Why? He doesn't have David A.R. It's already, I mean, in the Christian movie world, that's like, you tell somebody like, oh, we're going to make an apocalypse movie. And they're like, okay, step one, cast David A.R. Why? No, I'm not going to do that. Like, how are you going to do the movie that I don't even understand. So that's definitely your hamstrung

if you're doing that. But I would say they all are last. So last is what I would rank. All right. Now, Eli, you've got a much wider base of apocalypse movies to draw from. Where would you rank it? I mean, between thief and the night and the tribulation and of course the original left behind, I got to give this last as well, least fun. Although it does come from behind at the end. I don't want to spoil a lot, but I will say that this movie sort of starts out as just sort of a shitty, badly acted movie with some Christian stuff. And then it gets bad. Good. Just towards the end. Yeah. It takes it sweet fucking time for it. Yeah. Okay. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I've got to say

best worst mark of the beast. Now you guys, you guys are in the business of podcasting. So I hear from time to time, I imagine you've had to do something like try to design a logo or seek people to help you do something like this new world order logo that they all stamped on their forehead is, it's a bit half hazard, I'll say. I guess. There's no, it's like kind of a W-ish thing, but all like, they're like, there's no, oh, yeah, maybe they always the circular outs.

I don't, it's just, it's not good. Basically, this is the logo you get if you, you're like, Hey, anybody for free on Facebook want to do work for me and, and not get paid? And then some people are like, oh, yeah, I do logos all the time. And they send you this and you're like, oh, never mind. I should probably hire somebody. That's the actual thing. I see why people pay for this.

Yeah. Well, and not only is the design ridiculous, but it's clearly stamped on on your way out of the bar so you can get back in. Yeah. It is resentful face painter 10 minutes before he's supposed to leave. I like the getting back into the apocalypse.

No, I was just in this apocalypse. I was just, no, I wanted, I was just going to step out as a apocalypse to smell first. It's just smudgy as all this. Dude, I was just stop what? No, my drink is right there. I was just in this apocalypse. All right. So I honestly, I thought about going with best worst mark in the beast myself,

but I ended up going with best worst ages. Ooh. Yeah. Everyone in this movie that needs to be a particular age is the will I'm surprised the parents weren't younger than the children. The anti Christ is like 19. His minion is 14 that the 20 year old leads love interest is in his 40s. Her parents are in their 90s.

No. At one point they give their date of birth and he says like 51 or 52 and he means 1850. Like it's not. I voted for Taft if that's what you're asking. Yeah. and like I have this note later as well, but it's so true. And like they're in their 140s or 730, 140 and their daughter who's like us to the post to be in school and living at home is pushing 40. I don't know. What is any of this? I don't know. All right. I'm going to go with best worst slowly losing control of the movie. This, again, this movie starts out a movie and by the end, the bodyguards get out of the car and you're like, oh, they ran out of money. It is for no.

Honestly, I expected like a whole shot that's just like the guy leaving the camera there and having a weepy fight with his ex-wife just like you fucking bitch you fucking bitch and it like gets left in the movie brings it back up again. Oh, sorry now back to the movie. Yeah, it's out of control. By the end of this film you were expecting large white cutouts that just said car on them. Yeah, they're running around in a car chasing. Well, they blew all their money on the combination guillotine. A lot of machine. We'll get there. It is. It is worth the wait folks. All right. Well,

we've got a lot of movie and very little plot to get to, so we're gonna keep the break brief and when we come back we'll dive into all the inaction that is. New World Order. Gotta tell you, Grandma, we are so honored to finally make this script you wrote into a movie. I'm so proud of you, boys. You have everything you need. Yeah, Grandma, thanks for the loan. Um, Grandma, are you in here? Oh, hello, boys. How's the movie going?

Uh, good. You... You never sent us those pages of the script we needed. I-I didn't. Well, where is my mind going? Here they are. Here they are. Okay, thanks, Grandma. Grandma? Why are the lights up? Jesus, what is all this stuff? Oh, Ron, aren't there that you? No, Grandma.

Grandpa has been dead for years. I made us souffle just like you like. Cool. We're just going to take these script pages that you wrote in your own feces. Make sure the cats don't see you eating paper or they'll call the government. Got it, thanks. We're still doing the movie. I'm Tony D. Are you a Christian movie maker looking to fill your film with some background music?

Have you never heard of the incredible library of free music available? We'll then head on down to Tony D's house of Christian movie music fillers. We got opera. Opera, alleluia, Italian words opera. We got Christian rock. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, a country Jesus. And more Christian rock. Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, I can't for Jesus. But that's not all. Agnow and we'll throw in a very special spot on song. It's background music. The scrubs was happening in your movie way too specifically. And now Bill has to go back to his daughter in big forgiveness. Take a ride on

I 95. Don't eat East house, the Christian movie music fillets. Because if you knew how to make a good movie, it wouldn't be Christian. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with about 14 minutes of flame and credits. Including epic royal entertainment. They might as well call themselves Bestest Movie Awesome Saus. I don't know about you guys, but when I saw Web Pickers Guild was a task of project, that's when I knew we were in three. What?

That way, my favorite thing about these Christian movies, it's ever a good sign when in your title sequence, one guy is doing like way too many jobs. Yeah. He'll be like Web Pickers Guild, direction, editing, sound design, costumes, Foley, lying to the banks about what we're doing with their money. And Cheegr grip. Best boy. Yeah. Also written and produced by a husband and wife team named Dwayne and Antonette. Yeah, that's always a good sign.

Music note though, killer music, if this is like Final Fantasy V on PlayStation. Well, you know, the writer director also did the music. So he must be super dense. Actually, that's actually true. So yeah. We'll get by the way, this movie is an hour and 25 minutes. So they milk these credits. They're like, hey, can we do the special banks at the front?

No, we can't do the special. They can only be people who are in the movie. Yeah, we could put Brad Pitt on there. Right. We could credit lots of people. Yeah. The title sequence where you put like people have inspired you. You put that one quote that's like, be the change. You want to see it in a way.

And that was going to your book quote in the credits. Yeah. And but yeah, I think Eli, you've already mentioned it, like the trajectory of this movie because very clearly 87% of the production budget was in this title sequence. Absolutely. There's CGI logos. At one point, I'm pretty sure we're in, we're playing doom, like the original one, because like the wall, the way, you know, those weird brick walls and stuff. And then that turns into the CGI logo. The weird thing is though, again, another Christian movie thing, because I have so much experience doing this. I don't know about you guys, but it's this weird time travel, because it's

never, it's 20, it's 20 fucking 18. And all the titles make me feel like I'm in 1999. But I'm not. It's just low budget shitty CGI. Yeah, they're always 15 years behind everything. But like the phones are always 15 years behind the computers are always 15 years. The the fashions. Yeah, I was going to say every dude style is 90s dude with the sunglasses and the shitty go T like it's all 15 years behind at least. All right. So eventually we get our way out of these enormous goddamn credits and we open up on a van full of crying people with their wrist zip tied. If you like to watch people cry with their wrist zip tied, this is the porn for you. For the people who do

like to watch people cry with their wrist zip tied, it's not that good. I've got better videos to send you message me. Me on Facebook. I got some good stuff. And during this van scene, there's what I guess is somebody's idea of sound effects? Because it's just somebody's like using a typewriter or something or like you threw in the dryer, you threw in like one jacket with a big ass zipper. And yeah, like I know we're being abducted, but I've just, I got a killer manuscript

I'm working on this typewriter. Just let me just type this out. Well, that's the thing at a certain point, I'm like, okay, oh, that's the sound effects. I thought there was a giant bug in the van with them. Oh my God. Legitimately several times, and I'm not even making this up.

I paused the movie because I wasn't sure if something was happening outside of my house. Like I was like, yes, what it. I watched this movie at my hometown of Binghamton, New York, because I was visiting family. And I watched this with my baby sister, my younger sister. And about a third of the way through the movie, she goes, this movie doesn't sound like any other movie. It's weird. Can you watch this downstairs? It's one guy doing the fully, but he's using like his webcam from the early 2000s as his microphone and the, no, it's just awful.

It's really fucking bad. Okay. So eventually the van pulls up at the fucking warehouse or whatever that they could afford to use and they pull everybody out. I love to think they say, get out females first. I'm like, okay, she haven't reasoned out dead yet. And we have the exact same reference for this guard. And I'm, I'm, you know, it's just shows, it goes to show how perfect of a fit is it? Are we talking about super ripped polygium bodies?

Exactly. I have polygium bodies buff hunk of a younger brother. Is really bitchy, like he's a really bitchy new world order, garty thingy guy. Oh, it's amazing. Okay, and so, and by the way, as they're pulling all these characters, how we meet our two main characters who I have as wool cap and chubs. Yes.

And as soon as I see that she's wearing a wool cap in the desert in the summer, I'm like, okay, just put her up against the wall and fucking shooter. I'm done with her. I have so many notes about the wool cap. So many. I just have her as wool cap throughout the whole fucking movie.

If there's so much more wool cap content, it's a lot. Immediately, because once again, I'm a grizzled veteran of these movies. Immediately, I knew the one guy was Jesus. Like, because they just put a guy in there and so he's suspiciously calm during all this. Like, yeah, it's Jesus. I already know your family. I have him as Corey ate too much ham. All right. So they're bringing him into this warehouse. I love this bit too. I've got to highlight this. When the guard stops to like get in.

He says, you know, I'm showing show ID number 4662. And I'm like, does everybody's fucking ID code have 666 in it? I want, I want so badly to see the scene where like everybody stops using the 666. So it's shorter and the Danny Christ is like, guys, no, use the six in your 466, yes, but the only part that's different is the, is the four and the, no, not only that, by the way, the same like three henchmen are responsible for the entire world. So like, it's really just 462 and 4663. That's all. Yes. Yes.

Yes. This is a remarkably narrow cast apocalypse. Yes. And by the way, and throughout all of this, by the way, Eli's taking a sloppy shit on a keyboard set to ambiance. Yeah, it's like I'm shitting on an Anya record while she watches just like And acting note most of them think the best way to show fear or motion or whatever is just by making their lower jaw Do a bunch of weird gymnastic right honestly. I guess this won't translate to a podcast wall. That's just like Acting mentor for this film was a ventriloquist. I'm sorry.

All right, so they bring them all into this weepy orientation room. Everybody sits on the floor because this film didn't have the budget for that many chairs of course. I just wrote, I just wrote, please start with a nice breaker. Please start with a nice break. All right, we're going to go around the room. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I go around the room. I'm co-wrote the cat. You were dyna the dingo. My favorite thing about the new world order, if I had to pick something, is how every

buff polygymoddy hunk is required to wear a tight ass like muscle tea. That's my favorite part. And sunglasses, regardless of the time of day or weather, not a serious shot. There's always there's always one extra who can't quite pull off the look, you know, the muscle tea. He's like, Hey, guys, what, you know, what if instead of muscle teasers, like big cool jackets or something? I must have.

Should have been. Oh, Jim, speaking of people who couldn't fill out a muscle tea, this is where we meet the antichrist's minion. Oh, yes. Wearing hisrist's minion. Oh, yes. wearing his dad's suit. Yeah, college Republican. Same thing. Absolutely. Yeah. I have him down as slightly less evil Charlie Kirk. Okay. There you go. I have college Republican and he starts talking and I just want to say like, okay, somebody can tell this guy has some shit on his forehead. Yeah. Everybody else pumped him

and he's like, hey, you're all, why is everybody laughing at me? I said, shut up, you're all sentenced to death. I don't understand you're laughing at what is what's going on? My fly down, you're gonna die. And again, to prove how sloppy this movie is, the whole thesis of this scary framework is that they're gonna call their names and bring them to be executed. And the first guy that gets called is John Connor. Oh, it actually, it was John Carter, not, not better, by the way, just different, but yes, yeah.

And then the walk app turns to Chubbson says, boy, how did we wind up in a place like this in a place where he says in a doodly, yeah, how did we wind up in a place like this in a place where this is in a doodly. Yeah, right. Doodly. And I should also have a line of, I can't believe this is happening in this obvious post-apocalyptic world we've been living in for three years. Yeah.

Well, it's seriously, like this is the first thing you should have expected. So yeah, so they do a fucking doodly do on a Fisher Price Xylophone. And then we cut to the past where Wulcap is sitting in a park highlighting parts of the book of revelations. Again, she's not supposed to be Christian, so she's one of those atheist Bible readers. You know, just casual. Well, there's three of them on this podcast. So I have

say, you know, all three of us, when we go to a park and sit on a via tree, and my note is actually flashback. Remember when I used to sit and put my hand through my hair, 75 straight fucking times for no reason, while someone generates nonsense, computer music. Oh my God. Remember that? This shit goes for the sexy hair flip. So goddamn any five. Yeah, and they always fail. Oh, like miss. She gets into people. She gets in her eyes. She gets in someone else's mouth. Yeah, flip sit down hits her head on a countertop. I seriously thought it was intentional because

the next shot is, you know, as she's highlighting revelation as we all, you know, casually do. She spots a hunk, you know, 90 surfers dudes guy and he puts his hand through his head and I thought that was like a, like, you know, how sinners in this world identify them. I don't know. Like the thing in the park where you've got the hinker chiff and that kind of thing. Oh, and by the way, this character who's supposed to be a cute surfer boy is 46. Okay. It is so sad.

So here's the thing about this dude. I wanted to check, right? So I got on IMDB to try to find out how old he is. His birthday isn't listed. All it says on him, it doesn't have a picture or anything. All it says is fifth degree black belt instructor and former karate national champion. Oh my God, really. I literally have a note. There's a fight team later. I know karate like he did. It's way out of place in a movie that's supposed to be about normal people. And then he does like

roundhouse kick. What the fuck? Oh, where he makes the entire movie stop so he can do the slowest, saddest roundhouse kick in the history of time. I will get to it. I will have you know, he is a fucking former karate national champion. And I looked at up only about 400 people a year, get that title. And in many of the events, there are multiple competitors. And he was a 90s surfer skater, dude, cool guy. And he has not changed a fucking article of clothing or hair on his head since when he lost a few of the hairs on his head.

But yeah, but not intentionally. Yeah. Because everyone I run into in my hometown every time I'm like shopping when I'm visiting some guys like Eli and I'm like whoa Devon yep, there you are I Remember that shirt from high school man This is my wife And do you want to introduce me to your car keys? introduce me to your car keys. All right, so the chick, the wool cap, she gets in her car.

She's about to leave her friend calls her and she backs up like about four inches. No, no, no, you can actually try and gill it. Oh, this is the best thing in the world. You can see outside the window, I rewound this several times. You can track the motion of the car next to her on your TV. It moves. I've got 3.5 inches. Okay. I can't use four, but you're. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we're in, you know, within the realm of air, I think we've made similar calculation. And then you hear, but oh, so like the only way she could have actually hit this guy with her

car is if he had been on the back, dry, humping the back of her car. It's honestly now that I said out loud, might have been what he was doing. The other thing is, okay, so if somebody hits you in their fucking car after going three inches, it doesn't hurt. I know. I know. What's the hardest you could have hit the guy? Like, oh, so good.

So, yeah, so she jumps out of the car and she's like, oh my God, I hit you with my car and he's like, it's okay, it's a meat cute. No worries. Yeah. And here's this crazy, he's like, I tell you what, I'll forgive you for hitting me with your car if you go out with me.

And she goes, do I have a choice? And you see the actor gets confused because he's like, no, but that's, no, the script., no, he was scripted. So yes, my no, here is I blacked out because the scene in the acting was so uncomfortable that I can't even process it. Please tell me whatever happened. Okay, so I'll fill you in. He's, you know how they got those insurance scammers that will jump out and find out currency. He does that with this empty parking lot. It's an empty parking lot.

She knocked up 3.5 inches and heard a book to him. And by the way, that, okay, I know this is low budget. I know it's low budget. It doesn't cost you more to back up I.P. and stop. Uh, gas. Well, the gas. Yeah, exactly.

Well, that's gonna say that's how tight the budget was. They're like, you know, three inches. She goes three and a half and they're like, that's coming out of your check, bitch. Right in the, in the first take, she backed up a normal amount and they were like, whoa, that's all right. Fucking money, money bags over there. The first take she backed up nine inches, they're like, well, now how are we gonna get home?

All right, so now apparently we're done with that back. Like, I shit you not, they seem to think that they needed a flashback for, they met. Right, like if we see these two characters together later, we're gonna put together that they met. Right. Okay. But will we know how adorable it was to see him with a car?

Yeah. All right. So now we go back to the evil sitting room and the nerdy pale kid and the two big suit. I don't know if this character ever gets a name, but he's trying to do intimidating and failing like a motherfucker. And he offers everybody clemency. He's like, if you'll take the mark of the beast, you can go free. And one dude's like, well, fuck yeah.

Yeah, the black guy. He's like, well, I feel like it was a race thing too. It was just me, is that like the only black guy that's visible in the shot and that speaks in the whole movie is like, I would like to be evil, just saying. And I love college Republican tells us he goes like in the name of Lord Aldo Deluca. And I just, Aldo Deluca to me, I don't know why, but it just sounds like a baseball player who, you know, decent hitter, but never like that bit. Right.

You know, like to pretty good. Yeah, if you don't play. You would have never heard of him. Right. He's absolutely killing it in the new world order though. He really found his calling. All right. So like wool hat and chubs are arguing over whether they should take the mark and they

can't decide whether they should or not, but they're pretty sure they shouldn't. And then we cut, I assume to another flashback, we're just left to figure this out on our own. And I want to point something out about this scene. Okay, so this scene takes place in a church. These two girls are the only white people in the church. Now the director and writer is a black dude. This is definitely his church and it's the only church that was like, like he was allowed to use.

And he's just like, okay, yeah, we'll just have two white girls sitting in the background. That'll be perfectly normal. It'll, it won't look weird at all. So this is when she's texting the new bow that she ran over, of course, as you do. And so the, it's so they don't even understand this movie has no fucking idea what its own characters are because both of these two girls take turns like one at first is the religious one and then the other first is the religious one and then the other one is the religious one.

And then they go back in the end like they want it to be a twit. So who fucking knows. But anyway, the the wool cap girl is like, oh, he wants to go out tonight. And the blonde girl is like tonight. It's Sunday. It's like you're in fucking church. What more does this religion demand from? It's an entire fucking day now.

Did I miss that? You're in church. You can't go out after church. Jesus. Well, yeah, I was gonna say, if you can't go out after church, then who's gonna harass all the waitresses that are working about how they're not in church?

Also, I love this. She's looking through an album on her phone of photos of the new guy. Not like photos of his Facebook. She's through an album on her phone of photos of the new guy, not like photos of his Facebook. She's got an album. You can see it's photo 11 of 13. She's just like going through basically his head shots. It might as well have his real name on the bottom.

So they get all dolled up to go on this date. And this is where my only guess is that Webb Picker's Gill, who I'm sure did also did hair and makeup. I'm guessing. I think Webb Picker's Gill, who I'm sure did also did hair and makeup I'm guessing. I think Webb thinks it's still 1987. Yep. Because like, she looked okay when clearly she was in charge of how she looked like, you know, she's like, I got my World Cup.

That's kind of my signature. And then they get dolled up and she's got ridiculous bangs and some hoop earrings. Like it's fucking 1987 to go on the stage. Yeah. Well, they're going to Gus's pizza. So you want to doll up a bit, you know, that's a pretty romantic place. Okay, and this is also where we learn.

She turns, she's, Chubs turns to wool cap and she's like, I feel like there's something you're not telling me about this boyfriend of yours and she says, he's a stripper. Yes. This fucking overweight out of shape 44 year old guy with a bleach blonde

receding hairline is a stripper. Oh my God, I would pay any amount of money to be there the day this actor brought this idea up. Okay, so we need a job for the boyfriend, James. Oh, what if I'm a stripper? You're a stripper. Yeah, like a male stripper. Like I take a close off for a month.

Yeah, I don't know if you seem like the type for a male stripper. What? You guys don't think I could be a stripper? Probably not, uh, man, to be honest. Uh, what, hey, what if he's like a country music backup dancer? Oh, that's good. Or like in a nickel-back cover band. I, I really think she had a good,

that's a lot more sense for, uh, how about a divorced dad? Is that a job? That's really, really looks like a divorce dad. Yeah. We're going with stripper. Okay. That's how it went. Yeah, I mean, if anything, I'm thinking that's like 50 bucks

for I'm taking off these pants. That's what I was saying. To be fair though, you, I mean, you haven't seen him do a roundhouse kick when he's just got the phone. It's a really, it's a really good move. I like it. I'm like, I heard, I know people who have, you guys picturing a karate theme stripper like he comes in. He's absolutely would take super seriously. He's like, he's doing karate stripping, but he's also keyying like to an awkward volume. It's like he's doing actual like I get it. Man, you see this?

You see this total controller might definitely bows to a sensei before it gets up on the stage. Yeah. All right. And so this is a double date. It's a blind date. Chubs is going to meet his body and they go into this fucking pizza place and have conversation that is aggressively banal.

Right? Like, he thought I was going to jump here often and then they have a three minute conversation about whether she comes here often. It's so bad. So here's the crazy thing. The conversation is so awkward and stumbling that I thought the movie was going for this date isn't going well, but people all date for three more years. This is just how the English language works for these people. In any other movie, it'd be like, wow, so what a bad day. He's like, so what are you doing later? I'm here now. Great. And the movie's like they're nailing it. You guys are on fire.

You could get the sexual tension with a karate chop. I don't was you're fucking improvving the dialogue of this scene. You don't have the chops for that. You need to write a fucking scene. You don't have the chops for that. You need to write a fucking scene. You don't have the chops for that either. Come here, as a turns in. Come here, a lot. Good, good spot. Try to get over here a couple of times a week.

What? You have to write the fucking scene. You have to. Oh, and meanwhile, by the way, on the news that's playing at this college hangout, and by the way, just like in every goddamn apocalypse movie that has ever been made, the news is WNN, right? Back to the up you like every goddamn one of these we've seen, it's always WNN. I have in my notes, if every time I saw WNN in a movie, I got a dollar, I would legitimately

have hundreds of dollars. My favorite thing about the WNN is there a very modest tagline, because he comes in first of all, it's Alan Jennings, and I gotta say, I mean, I only get my news from Alan Jennings. Obviously. Obviously. And he starts in with your source for reliable information. So it's like, that's like a tagline that even Fox News is like that's not really enough for it like we want to go

Your source for reliable information Gossars pizza it's edible yeah, yeah, exactly and so he starts talking about this Iranian assassination scheme that I actually rewound several times to try to understand I still makes no fucking sense And then I wanted to I think after that Alan Jennings is like, in other news, Lord Deluca had a two RBI night for the pod. All right. So, yeah. So these two have a date.

Again, this scene exists entirely to establish all of these people have met. Yep. And then we get a day break over a graveyard to a white out. No reason, literally no goddamn reason. And then we pan from the sky down to a suburban home in the words three years later. So we just got three years ahead of nothing happened. This movie drips with, I said, pan, slower, damn it. You're gonna have less than an hour long movie. Amazon said they would only give us a dollar if it's less than an hour. Don't be a dick. Pan slower. And by the way, three years later, and personally, I'm glad Alan

Jennings is still the news guy though. Like we cut right to Alan Jennings still handling the news like a pro. Yeah. No, it's great. The way that none of the characters aged at all in that time, either. So we're in the same outfit at the same time. Same clothes. So, okay, so we, we, we meet an old couple, they're watching the news. This is Woolcapp's parents, I guess. And dad looks like a bouncer who got hit with an aging ray. I had X pro wrestler that never actually was a real pro wrestler was just kind of a trying to get into pro wrestling. Right. He was there for the guy you heard of to kick the fuck out of right. Yeah. And this, this couple is sitting watching the, you know, Alan

Jennings deliver the news like a pro as he does. And, and the Alan Jennings is doing the, the typical apocalyptic movie stuff, which is, well, the New World Order is saying the face tattoos or whatever. And the mom is like, I'm somewhat alarmed by the news lately. Okay, so there's something called the New World Order, and they have a mark that's on everybody's forehead. And just now, this mom is like, you know what? I've noticed the other day. She's also the lady who would have not voted for Trump again if he said the N word. Like that's the same woman. She's like, that was my, you know what?

The mark and not in the N word. Those are my lines. Her dialogue is pretty much could something called the New World Order despite all my expectations to the contrary be bad. Yeah. So, yeah. So they have this conversation about, I don't know, I'm not so sure about this mark of all my expectations to the contrary be bad. Yeah. So yeah, so they have this conversation about, I don't know, I'm not so sure about this mark of the beast on my face thing. And then we cut back to woke up.

She studied the goddamn Bible more. It's been three fucking years. You have plenty of time to finish that goddamn book. I knew it's long. I read the fucking thing. It didn't take me. Oh, God, it did take me three years. Never heart.

Yeah, I was going to say hard disagree. I think you can never get through that fucking thing did take me three years. Never heart. Yeah, I was gonna say hard disagreements. He could never get through that fucking thing. Took me six years. All right, so now we have the first of many telephone conversations between woolcap and chubs where no information is exchanged. It's literally, it's like, so you wanna meet up in the next scene? Sure. It's amazing.

Why don't we just shoot that scene? No, no, we need to. No, people want to know how we got there. It's been three years after all. And the only thing about this is, Chubs during the scene is getting her hair cut, right? And so she's like, she's getting her hair cut and then she hangs up the phone and I so, and her hair artist lady, her super cuts lady, has the mark.

And I wanted her to start selling her on the mark like essential oils, her super cuts lady, has the mark. And I wanted her to start selling her on the mark like essential oils, just like, honey, can I give you some advice? The mark is the match. She's like, oh, fuck, I'm in the chair. I'm going to smile on nod. So, yeah, the hair dresser lady is super excited about the anti-Christ rally that she says is later this afternoon, keep that in mind when three days later in this movie, that happens. She met their shooting it later this morning. Oh, right. Yeah. So it's not actually clear which things are scenes and which things are them coordinating their schedules to shoot scenes.

Like it might be all together. We don't even know. Like, they might have been not even an actor there. It was just kind of the one in the same. Yeah. So, okay. So, we'll cap heads downstairs to go meet up with Chubs. And she looks at her mom. She's like, what's the matter, mom? And mom's like, oh, you know, the apocalypse has got me down. Yeah. I had a similar note. It was, what's the matter, mom? Besides the fact that I'm clearly pushing 40 and living with my 200 year old parents. Oh, I, and they have this amazing like rebellious teenagers in my right moment, where it's like, honey, you've got to go get the mark of Satan or you won't be able to buy and sell goods. And she's like, come on. I don't want the mark of Satan, but just, you know, as a casual thing.

Yeah, yeah, right. Not no religious reason or anything, but, but our actual line is, it's okay, mom. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. Yeah, I want to know was I genuinely think that was accidental. Absolutely. Yeah, that's what the writer honestly thinks that phrase is. Yeah, no, it's not. Yeah, it was not like, oh, that's a funny joke, Dodd. It was, there's no reaction. Did you just set it like it was all across that bridge when I get it? I want to hear this girl's

other phrases. She's like, you know what they say? A penny saved is a penny burned. A burn in the bush is worth two in the hand. Oh, okay, it's a fire thing. You need help. And the scene ends with the girl saying, Wilkamp saying, whoa, what are you guys gonna turn me in? It's like, dummy, they're doing face tattoos. There's crazy obvious. Like, no one needs to turn me in. Are you gonna turn me?

Like, they're gonna, look, this person doesn't have a face tattoo. We didn't all just instantly see that. Like, there's no turning in required. Yeah, right. All right, so wool cap and chubs meet up. I should point out by the way, because you might be thinking like, man,

these guys are really taking their time. No, we are a third of the way through this film at this point. That's the end of act one. Yeah, this movie is amazing because every time you start to get bored of it, you could pause it and go, huh, I'm a third of the way through whatever I thought I was last time. Yeah, that's right. So they have a little chat, which basically goes, I don't know,

I think my parents are hell bound. Want to get a burger? Sure. Yeah, no, they almost say, well, wow, this, this scene serves no purpose. You want to go eat while we're not doing anything. Anyway, and I got to say to the lead actress is one foot three. This this scene serves no purpose. You want to go eat while we're not doing anything anyway? And I got to say to the lead actress is one foot three Two inches taller than Lucinda. She's five foot four. They say that later. That's what they say later That's not yeah, well it also by the way her nose has been broken four times per month

She was 13 my god. Okay. I have this note and I feel a little bad about it because like, you know, I know. The tip of her nose is touching the base. Every single person in this movie needs not just one nose job, but like, one to three nose job, like every person in the movie. You know how you, you see those like heartwarming news stories on 60 minutes about it. Took a team of 27 surgeons to sew this guy's face back on after a monkey bit it off. That's what this woman needs for most jobs. She needs, she needs a team. Yeah, something that's done in a big stadium where other doctors have to come watch.

A foreign country where certain things are legal. Yeah, that's what she needs. And in this scene, every single, or sorry, both of them put their hands through their hair, 75 more fucking times. All right. And then we cut to mom and dad getting their marks and you would think that the mark giving people would go out of their way to be like not blatantly evil. You would be wrong.

I mean, look, it's nice to know that even after the apocalypse, the DMV will be exactly the same. My note is I'm not leaving this scene until I see every single extra in this line, get a pointless five minute pat down. Oh my fucking web pickers, Gil, one maybe edit one fucking thing out of your movie. And then as though they were trying to disprove my claim, they walk into a room full of chairs. I'm like, well, fuck, if you had the chairs,

I know chairs are for people who get their marks. Really, I guess. And my note is the lady in charge, the DMV lady in charge has a hand tattoo. Is that, is the hand mark? Okay, why does everybody have the mark on their fucking forehead? Like I didn't know hand mark was an option. Yeah, what did anybody know that is that a common Christian thing? Like you allowed it. Yeah, yeah, in the middle of your fucking forehead. No, it's the hand or the forehead is what

they always say. And keep in mind now, like that, like when the bad guy at the very beginning was bringing him into the orientation to go get killed, he uses his hand as an idea, as the mark on his hand as an ID. So imagine what the forehead people have to do when they get to that door. We've talked about this before, because in a lot of them, they used a hand thing

as like a scanner, like they're scanning groceries or whatever. And they never show the fucking forehead guy go, oh god, this is so embarrassed. I got to bend over now. I'm sorry, sir. Do you have a chip? You got to put your forehead in the thing. Don't remove your forehead.

Don't take it out. You have to insert your forehead into this thing. Yeah. And the GMV lady in charge of everything is like, oh, okay, let me just enter your information into the new world order 1998 Dell computer. Yeah. The fucking IBM pat.

Yeah. And there's this amazing moment of non-tension where it's like, does anyone else live in your home with you? And dad's like, uh, lying words. I'm sorry. Did you say lying words? I'm lying, lying, cover up lie. Tangled, well, yeah. And I should also point out this is one of those moments where Eli's sister was like,

why the fuck does everybody sound so weird? Because everyone is randomly miked, like the DMV lady is regular volume. Everybody else is in a goddamn can somewhere. Mama dad shared a mic. All right. And then we cut back to wool cap and chubs getting a burger together. Now they need from the beginning of this scene for these two characters just to have some chit-chat type conversation. And what is better small talk then? Did you hear about that nine year old? You killed his parents for being Christian? You got the words for it.

Oh, this scene is so great. First off, they're at the McCoy's kitchen, which oh, I get it. All the McCoy's that were in the credits because the whole family was in charge of this piece of shit. Moving on. All right. And then they order from this New World Order restaurant

or whatever, they want some water and the New World Order restaurant serves whatever, they want some water and the New World Order restaurant serves bottled water with no labels. So that's by far the most weird ass thing about this. Yeah, the thing I'm looking for to least about the apocalypse that's clearly tap water. And then they just casually drop. They can and okay as much as I'm an expert of this, I didn't know this. They dropped well ever since the rap show He just changed. I'm like what what?

You guys have been like fucking getting your hair done and like working at a burger place There's been a rapture this whole fucking time Wow, we also I love the idea that oh this is this is like a deep character insight well ever since the rapture He's changed. Yeah, no fucking Hadoi like if life half the world or whatever is Beamed up like you're probably gonna change a little bit Well, and she said specifically she's like while his dad and his mom and his brother and his sister all got raptured And he didn't he's been a little bit of a bitch since that like what? all got raptured and he didn't, he's been a little bit of a bitch since that like what? Maybe, yeah, but they completely just casually retroactively insert the goddamn rapture.

It was during those scenes we didn't shoot that we just cut through. That's why. And I love that nobody cares about this. Like are there people that are like our nine o'clock? The people who still care about nine, eleven and our universe are there. People who care about rapture is like remember the rap Yeah, I remember the rapture man, but I'll think about it on the day when it happens, but I Went to the rapture museum with mom and dad it was sad, but I know it's just fine

Yeah, and so chubs at this point points out that to wool cap that she says well my boyfriend's part of the secret underground Resistance of Christians that are fighting against the anti-Christ. And she's like, yeah, I just say that right out loud. Just yeah, yeah. And out in the first restaurant, why the hell not? She's like, yeah, we'll go join the resistance and become part of the class that fights against our overlords. But we'll finish our burgers, right? We'll finish. Yeah, we've got chips. Ships. Okay. So then we go back

to mom and dad. They're heading out of the facility, the place where you go to get your, your forehand or hand tattoo and emaciated Giovanni Rabisi at the college Republican guy. That's a good one. That's a good one. He, he stops to annunciate stupidly at them. Yeah. And when he, and they do a jump moment, like a horror movie jump moment, just that's him. It's like in Jurassic Park when the hand falls on. On San Jacks of the Amos. And then it's and then she turns around and the arm is like not attached to anything. It's that level of like horror, but it's just because college Republican wants to talk

to you. Yeah. It's like, oh, fuck, did him. And we should point out that his acting choice is entirely weird pause. Yes. He was trying something in the scene or recovering from a dental procedure. Like, I want to be there for the day he tried this out and for the first time. And action. Hi, I'm the new director of the facility. Cut, cut, Jason.

What the hell are you doing? Oh, do you like it? It's my bad guy voice. No, no, I do not like it. You sound like a poorly made Android. Yeah, do bad guys do like evil pauses and stuff. They don't just fail to pronounce words correctly. Are you sure about that?

Yes, I'm very sure. You sound like a jackass. You really do. You guys sound like a jacquoise. I mean, we've all been there. This is something like that. Yeah. And so, so he goes to let him leave. He's like, no, everything's okay. And they go to leave. And then he co-lumbos them on their way out. He's like, oh, one last thing. And in this scene is what are my favorite moments in acting. I don't know. I know Eli, you've

done some shitty theater at some point. I'm sure my favorite thing you're doing shitty community theater is when you have a line, which is here, take my card, but the other actor takes the card when you say here. And so then when you after that have to say take my card you still have to say it because it's in the script but you say it with like a bit of sarcasm like every fucking night Debbie, you have the same fucking scene and you do the same fucking thing where I say here and you take my card and then I say, take my card with a little bit of a bitchy attitude every night we do this. All right.

So yeah, he's like, hey, if you want any help, kill in your daughter, give me a call. So he hands the card and then we get to woolcap getting home. And this is the first time I realized that she was wearing those, I swear my ass isn't really this wide shorts. They're the first version in history of Daisy Duke shorts that are somehow still Daisy dukes and too big. Yep. Quick furniture note, the TV is sitting on an incredibly shitty Ikea table. And I think that's because all the real furniture must have gotten raptured. Oh, they look like those.

Well, that's a nice piece. I'm going to rapture that up too. Ben an awful lot of money on those chairs. You see, they didn't those. Well, that's a nice piece. I'm going to wrap sure that up too. Ben an awful lot of money on those chairs. You see, they didn't have enough left over for shit like TV stands. Okay. She goes up to her room and takes off her shoes. And now she's one foot one like she got even short. It's amazing. I can't believe how short she is. She crawls under the bed. She just walks under the bed without crawling. And okay, so she lays down on her bed and she basically she lays down the bed and goes three, two, one, and then picks up the phone, right? Oh, she goes, hey, nothing's happening. Cool. Nothing's happening to you. This movie's half over. This movie's half over. Bye.

Yeah. Isn't it, isn't it crazy how quickly this movie's passing by? And then it like so she gets a call from her friend and no information exchange between the two of them. She hangs up and then her middle-aged boyfriend calls her and he's like, Hey, I'm under the tree outside and she's like, Oh, good. We only do have the one tree in this state. I'll meet you there. But as she's leaving, mom and dad come home and you can tell there's something wrong because the evil music is playing.

Well, the evil music is playing underneath their casual conversation about making a frozen lasagna. It is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It's like, Bup-bums, bup-bum, bup-bum. And it's like, I don't know, Hans, you throw in the oven or something? I don't know. You're just trying to do it. Do I put the little holes in the top? No, that's only if you're microwaving it.

Okay. and the top now that's only if you're microwaving it okay it's one of those moments where incompetence and stupidity comes full circle and it's actually kind of funny and brilliant in a way like it's not intentional like it's right if it were intentional you'd be like that's the best but it's not it is completely unintentional we come across so goddamn many of those that when we when we finally do our parody Christian movie we will just do that We will just drink together the funny things they did by accident. All right. So she goes out to, to, to meet with her Jerry Atric boyfriend, who, by the way, for the rest of the movie, I just have as Jerry Atric in my notes. And she greets him with a big

hug because you know, you've been dating for three years. You can hug. It's time for a hug. It's amazing watching them try and do it. They might as well dance with their arms straight out in front of them. If you notice what happens is she hugs him and he tries to get out of the hug early and then realizes she's still hugging him and then goes into the hug again. It's like one take, one take, don't bother. Yeah, that's, that's we got it. Not the last time, by the way, that he will desperately try to avoid physical contact with this actress.

Yeah. Yeah, I have a feeling that his really, really possessive wife was on set. So, and she, and this conversation starts out, by the way, she turns to him, and she says, why are you so calm? And I'm like, because nothing's happening in this movie. And then, and then he starts to explain the mark of the beast to this girl.

And she's never heard of it apparently despite highlighting revelations recreationally for three fucking years. And he says, nobody knows about the mark of the beast better than I do. And he says, here, I'll show you. And then he just pulls out a Bible. And I have to say, for me, if somebody just casually was like, and here I'll show you and pulled out a Bible, I'd be like, who the fuck are you?

What did we go get away from it? Yeah, where'd you just have a Bible? Like, where'd you get a Bible? Well, I was a stripper. Oh, okay. Well, and also, by the way, this is another one of these instances where they are telling us about a much better movie that's happening parallel to this one, right? Because he's like, yeah, they start talking about like what happened in Europe with, and

how Deluca became the anti-Christenship and they're like, he died and got resurrected. It's such a weird time to be having this conversation for the first time. Hey, we've never talked about this before, but you know, Lord Deluca, uh, he, he was killed, but then he was resurrected by Satan. I know I can't believe it was never come up. I know. You know what I'm like news. You know what it was? We were at an arcade that night when that guy came back to life because he was filled with Satan. And I just didn't want to ruin our night. But I love, dude, she turns to him and she goes, how do you know so much about this? And I'm like, because he's read anything and all about Christianity or watched any one of their

movies. And this is where we get the greatest moment in the film, which is where a fly literally lands on her face. And then they keep it. Yeah, keep it. in the Moogerskill. Where fucking pickerskills like I'm sorry, well, I'm keeping it. It's gold. It's an organic. So real now, you know, yeah, there's literally a fly crawling around on her face. It's got to see the reason there is a fly is because it was hovering over the dead corpse that is the plot of this.

But it's not the only dead corpse in the movie. No, no, there'll, there'll be others. Um, so. And again, this movie is so clumsy that she's like, well, I think we should go join the resistance. And he's like, Oh, I'm already a part of that part of the plot. She's like, Oh, okay, they have to point out that. How did this happen? Because like, she forgets that her friend was the same friend that he introduced them to, and I feel like as the husband and wife team were writing this, they're probably having a fight about not remembering stuff. And there's a no, dummy.

If you remember earlier in scene two, we introduced you, and like, it stayed in as the dialogue of the movie somehow. The script notes stayed in and then literally because the characters have just realized they don't have things to talk about. She sort of tries to snuggle into him and he's like, oh my god. My wife is on the set. If you could, I cheated on her with an airline stewardess in 19 2004 and she's been real bitch about it.

So if you just all right, and then we get possibly the most useless characters in this movie. Oh, I love it. I love it. The news anchors were in the world news network. And my notice finally, we get a peek beyond the curtain at how Alan Jennings works. It's a chance to see a real pro at work. And I took notes, it's an opportunity. Yeah, so with Alan, by the way, is also a woman who is sounding out English phonetically for the first time. In my opinion, they still haven't found a good counterpart

for Alan Jennings. I'm gonna jump in here. Oh my God, the Melania Trump, who's like, yeah. Thank you, Alan. Drell, it turns out, like, Alan, it turns out, home invasion and murder is legal now.

And now, spars. Yes. Yes. That's literally what she says. She's like, it turns out that now it's legal to break into someone's house and kill them if they're a Christian. Yeah.

And then the newscasters become a part of the movie. I love it. Yeah, and it's so fucking it conceivable though because the producer comes by and does the Colombo thing to the movie. Yes, because that's for some reason they think that's how good movies are. I think in this instance though, it's literally a case of this lady forgot she had one more lie. Yeah, yeah, probably. And she's like, oh, hey, you two, most identifiable people in this universe who are seen on TV every day, you don't have your marks. It's crazy. I was I was going over the dailies and I noticed you guys don't have facial tattoos, which is just I was I was doing so much script check that I just forgot to check if you guys had tattoos on your faces so yeah

yeah get on that people whose faces are looked at for living hey I just noticed yes and so they leave that conversation and walk out of the movie but I was super disappointed because I wanted to watch an action movie starring a news duo who fight the antichrist so badly. This summer... Nobody will stop Satan's evil plan. News flash, we will. A crime fighting duo step out from behind the desk. Could the bullets in this gun be killing you?

BANG! News at 11. And into the streets. Watch out for traffic! On your way to hell! From the makers of New World Order comes... New is World Order. We really need Heath here if we want to do puns. Sorry. Yeah. I just wrote pun.

Wait for it. It's coming back. It's coming back. That's all I'm going to say. So, okay, meanwhile, Chubs is trying to call woolcap because now nothing has happened, but suddenly she feels that there's suspense, right? So she calls her friends, she's like, you have to come get me. Like, we're halfway through this movie and nothing's happened yet. Yeah. And of course, the guy who's obviously definitely Jesus walks by. Yes.

And I just have to say, acting note here, have you seen Jesus' body? Because you got to fucking inhabit your role, dude. Take your craft fucking seriously. Have you seen Jesus' abs? Yeah. This is not, you can't, you don to fucking inhabit your role. Do take your craft fucking seriously. Have you seen Jesus's abs? This is not, you can't, you don't fucking have 30 pounds of extra weight on you and play Jesus. It's a big role. Like it's a, you know?

Well, he wasn't under five in this one, but yeah. So, okay, so she's gonna leave and go pick up Chubs. Wheelcap is, but her mom and dad stop her. On the way out and they're like, Hey, honey, you have to sell yourself to the devil. And I, first of all, we should point out by the way that this fucking mark of the beast is something you could draw on with a sharpie, right? And very clearly they did.

Well, obviously, because that's how they got it there. Yeah. And she's like, no, I don't want to sell myself to the devil. So mom sneaks into the other room to call the NWO. Yes. By the way, in this scene, Dad's Mark changes between takes and this is my everything. It smeared at one point. It's on his left cheek and one take.

It's like, Dad, you made us die. Sweatting God damn it. He just kept like itching his foot. I did it again. I did it again. Sorry, guys. I love that again. I do it again. Sorry, guys. I love that the mom instantly knocks on her and then the two henchmen are just outside

in three seconds. No, they were stinging in the door. They're in the house. Yeah, they were just standing outside the whole time. Well, and here's the amazing thing is they have a three second response time, but they never consider that maybe one of us goes to the front door. Exactly. They both come in through the back like screen door and then

they're like, where is she? Oh, front door. I knew there was another plate way people get through wall, but is not the normal way. We have a guy sitting on the ceiling. We should have had him. And they're, yeah, they're like, they take a second and they're like, well, we couldn't have done it because there's two entrances and there's only two. Oh, there's exactly the right number of people that we would have needed. But she gets away, damn it, because they didn't think about, think about that. They call her in.

And so then she goes to pick up chumps. Now meanwhile, the Mark and the Beast team, the two fucking minions that do everything for the, for the anti-Christ, um, they're pissed so they kill her parents. Yeah. For, and hold on, the line is, which one of you called? What took you so long? So like, were they watching everything like how they were right outside. Yeah, why didn't you just intervene then?

Like, it's very unclear. Yeah, that'd be great. She says that and he's like, oh, fuck shoots himself. You know, so she's going to find her elderly boyfriend. She calls him up and he says, okay, first I need you to slow down. And she's like, okay, you have no idea how fast I'm going. He's like, okay, good point. And then he says, go north on the inner state towards the forest. Yeah, you know, the forest. With the trees. You know, when you're looking at like election results, you know, and they got the maps and it's like, the forest vote came in there. It's a region. It's like, what is this? Is this a fucking Zelda game? What else?

Yeah. And the entire time that she's panicked here, he's like, look, look, look, look, you're being a real whiner. The way that he's reacting to my family was just murdered by the New World Order and now they're after me is like look you don't like my friends I get it we won't hang out with them anymore We'll go to whatever movie you want Alright, so I guess this movie damn near has a plot at this point so we can pause for a quick break

But first let me give act let me give the third part of act one the hard sell here Will something occur from which one could draw a suspenseful sound in question? Will a character arc or story break out? Why the fuck is that chick wearing a goddamn wool cap in the summertime? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the grown men playing ninja conclusion of new world order. Hey, Thomas, thanks for agreeing to help us out with the stamps.com ad man. No problem guys. Sure. So here you go. Pretty straightforward copy. Just our usual thing. Do a little skip. Cool. Got it. Okay. You ready? Yep. All right. Here we go. Hey Thomas, what you doing? Oh, hey, no, I'm just

mailing child support to my strange daughter. Dude, what? It's fine. It gets explained in the script. Oh, really? Why is that? Well, ever since she turned out to have feet, I've been suspicious as hell that she's not dude. What the hell? It's Noah's line now. Well, then you should try stamps.com.

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That stamps.com enter awful. Sounds great. And with package pickup, I'll never have to walk to the post office. No, I'm not reading that. Not that I could because I don't have feet. That's your line because you don't have feet. Nah, you guys suck. Oh, Tom, Thomas. Since I told everyone about your daughter, I'm S.

You like you're your such nice. So, hey, wait, hey, Roy, how's the edit coming? Well, that's why I'm here. I've got a lot of stuff to cut here. Like what?

Well, we introduced the Antichrist character and we cut back to his office a couple of times, but he never actually does anything or interacts with the plot in any way. introduce the Antichrist character and we cut back to his office a couple of times, but he never actually does anything or interacts with the plot in any way. And what about all these weird phone calls where the main characters just call each other and just, you know, ask like, what's up and then nothing's up. And the restaurant scene, the burger one or the pizza one. Take your pick, neither of them advances the story or adds character or serves any function.

Well, Gus has said they'd give us free pizza if we put them in the movie. Ninety-in the movie. Oh, gotcha, yeah. Also, they make sandwiches for no reason in the third act. And the parents talk about lasagna for like a while. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Wait, so if we cut all the useless stuff, what's left in the movie?

Hmm, the production logos and the opening credits. Yeah, just leave in everything we shot. Even the random dead body in the scene where the flies fuck on Demi's face. Yes. Do you really think an audience will watch a whole movie where nothing happens or make sense? I mean, have you read the Bible? Okay, I'll show myself up.

And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroes, they were desperately hoping a plot would break out, but before we can check back in with them, we're going to go to the anti-Christ rally that makes Trump's inaugural crowd look like Bonner-Roo. There are dozens of, uh, well, dozens. I know, I actually had, I had that and then I said, you know what, never mind. They've got sevens of people. They're welcome.

And she says the crowd is going nuts. And you know what? Splendor heart. This is Sharon Kim. Sharon Kim, the person who's covering this on the scene is the best actor in the film. He's trying so hard. She's like, oh, they are really eating this up. And they've got, and there's to be while there's three people going.

Although I will say there is an extra in the background, a shall we say robustly bodied woman and she is going for it. She's fucking like rocking all out arms flapping. She gets one of her wings hits the girl next to her at one point. It's worth watching. And I have been waiting to talk about this moment for so long because here comes the Supreme Chancellor, you know, dude, bad at barely 230, but whatever. It's all done. Here he comes in his key is to rent. Oh, exactly.

And he, okay, and his bodyguards exit the comments. Oh my God. And his bodyguards are a satirical take on bodyguards. Yeah, not really. People see his bodyguards and they're like, damn, that's some biting commentary on the concept of fighting this figure. It is amazing. Like, I wrote my notes at this point, like all the minion actors have this little kid trying

to sound like a grown up on the phone feel to him, right? Hello. But honestly, I thought another kid was going to step out from underneath the suit. We were just trying to get into an adult moving. But I got to say, I felt really good to know that like, damn platinum night draws a bigger crowd than the antichrist. That's awesome. Yeah, we got a beat by a fake margin.

That's true. If you want me to go to one of those and be the reporter on the scene, be like, the crowd is going nuts. We're going crazy. And he like, balls against step down. And it's a certain point I felt like the reporter was like, you know, queuing in the audience. She's like, the crowd's going nuts.

Come on, guys. The crowd is going nuts. Not sure if my microphone went out for a while with that counter-different. And by the way, the antichrist is Johnny from the room, right? He is old, but not quite old enough to shave, but yes, yes, other than that. And meanwhile, college Republican has an extreme boner to meet Lord the Living. It's like college Republican is meeting iron ran. He's like, I love you. So excited. And by the way, there's this amazing moment. He's

walking up to to his cheering fan and a woman runs up, who's supposed to be part of the resistance. And she's like, you're a murderist monster. Or at least that's how it's written in the script. But actually happens is she's like, excuse me, sorry, sorry, you're a murderist monster. Yeah, no, she, she yells this as though she's relaying a lunch order to the cook, right? That's the emotion she's got in it. Monstrous murderer. And then they, and then they drag her off and everybody's just like, that was weird. And they go back to clapping. Oh, they barely paused clapping. It's like, murder, murder, arm. Two, three. Yeah. I wanted the anti-crash to be like, we're not going to let her ruin

our good time. Am I right? Hello, Detroit. Meanwhile, Sharon Kim is like, there's an entire resistance army here. All right. So then we cut into the antichrist office and apparently he went with the hang a bunch of black bed sheets from came our on the wall decor here. The first line is so good. It's called your public incomes and and Lord Deluca says, you've done well, but yet in a totally non-copyright infringy Jedi manner, I think a conflict with a notice something's wrong. And he's like, well, the guy at Men's Warehouse said he'd guarantee that I'd let the way I look. I don't. He goes, he goes, we're tracking two girls in the Antichrist is like, why would that fucking matter?

And college Republicans like, well, they're basically the main characters, sir. I can't tell which one, but one of them is. This scene is Christian privilege in a nutshell. They think the Antichrist will personally hunt them and their fat friend down. Yes. Yeah, small fucking world, huh? Like these two girls are like the whole problem with the entire world government like to do nothing girls barely running at all. And unfortunately for the for the guy play of the Antichrist, the fucking emaciated G of any BBC already called weird pauses.

So in order for him to be evil, he has to do reverse Yoda diction. Oh, see, he was doing evil desk stroke, but it's too small. So it looks like he's measuring. Yeah, he's just running his hands along at me, gets to the end and he's like, up, I'm all right, bringing him back.

Bring it back. Yeah, that's what he's like, oh, I'm, all right, bring it back. Bring it back. Yeah, that's what he was doing. See, my note is, Lord Deluca turns around and my question is, is this the first time he's seen a table? Is that the guy who looks at this flat surface that I bet you I could set a thing or two on here?

Yeah, this will be very convenient for my laptop. Uh, is there anything more painful than seeing a shitty ass actor trying to do a creepy devil routine? Is it's so uncomfortable? It's, uh, well, okay, to give you an idea how bad this is, because even if this guy had been the greatest actor in the history of time, it would have been ridiculous because the college Republican character is, he's like, uh, you know, we killed all the people who didn't, uh, who didn't believe in you. And he says, and I quote, so must

all that bear not the mark B. Yes. And you see the actor realize he just said nonsense. He's like, no, that can't be the line. What it keep going, keep going. He immediately follows that up with by saying, as to the, this is again, this is a quote from the fucking movie, as to the resistance, I empower you to know ends to find their leader and destroy them. Oh, yeah. And then college Republican gets such an authoritarian boner. He's like, Oh, this is the power I always wanted. And I thought that the supply side economics would give me.

I would love to know what they think that sentence means. I feel like in the writers room there was just a big fucking sign that said bad guys move the predicate around a lot. Right. So but but the the key here is that now the fucking anti-Christ is going to get serious about finding these two girls.

So 56 minutes in, I'm pretty sure we actually have a full blown plot now. Wow. All right. And then, by the way, we cut to a decillating in the grass. I thought I hallucinated it. I just, I was really surprised. We cut to a Density lady in the grass I thought I hallucinated it I Was

And I and the first time I watched it I was like oh this is some plot thing like did somebody Kill one of them and is now impersonating that you know like I was like okay This would be place and then it's the whole movie and then I came around to watch the second time and we get back to this point I was like oh no, this is just a dead like they just, Oh, I've got some extra makeup. Do you want to just like play a dead body in the in this desert? Yeah, they do. There's a woman that we have never met. This is not a character from the movie. And we just pan over her dead body in a field for a few minutes and never come back to it. No, I am pretty sure the filmmakers just found a dead body in a field for a few minutes and never come back to it.

No, I am pretty sure the filmmakers just found a dead body and were like, put it in our movie. Production value. So, okay. So now Chubs and Woolcap, remember last time we saw them, the boyfriend told them go into the forest. Well, luckily, there's just this one cabin in the fourth. He assumed, I guess, if you're going to the forest, Well, luckily, yeah, there's just this one cabin in the fourth. They assumed, I guess, right, right. If you're going to the forest order, yeah, go to exactly the forest. I mean, I see plugged that in my GPS. And though the, though the new world order controls the entire planet and has untold resources, they definitely won't think to look slightly in wooded areas. Yeah, right. And this is where we learned, the way that Eli's fucking dream movie may still happen

because when they get into the cabin, the two news anchors are there. Yes. All I know, all in Jennings. All in Jennings, baby. Yep. And he is, he's in casual wear, which is mom jeans up around his neck. Yep. Yep.

And all I know is if I was in that resistance, I would have been fucking fanboying so hard. Yeah, right. Fucking Alan Jennings. I mean, he's a, he's one of the greats. Someone else tries to make a plan. Thomas is interrupting. I would like to hear what Alan Jennings has to fucking say. I mean, sure, Dave, you've read the Bible, but that's Alan fucking Jennings. Okay. So, I love that moment too, where he says, well, according to this and he holds up a bible, he says, we're all gonna die on him. Like according to mortality, we're all gonna fucking die, bro. Oh, God, the dialogue here is unbelievable because the so it is so confusing.

I didn't even realize this was the same actor, but like in a truly transformational performance, the frat bro who was the boyfriend of the blonde girl is now like a deeply thoughtful religious person, I guess. It's a different guy. I'm actually still not sure about it. And you can't check IMDB because there's some reactions. But he has a line that is essentially, I've taken this time to study our enemy. And our nemesis primary weapon is the internet. And there's like, here's a B-roll of one second of a woman using the internet, just so that

we know what that is. And then he says, with the help of God, I've been able to decrypt algorithms full of intel on the bill. I just love like what was that process? Like, oh, do you think B means Z and then God's best? No. Oh, okay. But God still wants to let him work out most of it. Yeah, for God's sake.

Yeah, for God's sake. God, can you just give me the fucking key? No, no. You still have to do it. God is out. I do those who help themselves. Yeah, exactly. Character building. Can you just give me the fucking key? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Although that does mean that I am safe in the apocalypse. Evo brother Thomas. Yes, sir. What research do you have on this Eli Bosnick of the Resistance fighters?

Ah, you mean using his internet history? Exactly. Well, he isn't going to marry a Mormon chick with chronic Lyme disease, that's for sure. No, I mean, I mean in the non-born stuff. Oh, okay, well, lots of pictures of his dog. Good, good. And he likes to tweet at people he doesn't like. Really seems dedicated to communicating with those people.

And? No, that's it. Oh, wait, look. Yes? Oh, no, now he's in a Twitter fight with his people. And? No, that's it. Oh, wait, look. Yes? Oh, no, now he's in a Twitter fight with his dog. Curses. So, and also there's this great line where he goes, but if they can use the internet against us, then we can use it against, that's not how weapons work.

I mean, that might be true, but it's not an if then type situation. Right. Right. If they can shoot us with their gun, then we can use their gun. Right. Oh, no, they still have the gun. No, we need a computer. Everyone get us. And then, and then they say, oh, and also, how's the fake mark coming? And then they pan over and I guess that B-roll footage of the girl working on what I thought was just the internet to display the internet. She was on the computer typing about working on a fake mark. Yeah.

And it's just like, she's like, oh, I can't get it quite right. Yeah, it's like, have you tried just Sharpie? Like, yeah, right, right. It's like, I've got the circle part down. Yeah, it's the left. It's like, turns out none of us can fucking draw like we're all. It would be really easy. And then there's this amazing part where she's like, okay, what's the plan? And he's like a movie doesn't say whatever we actually have.

And they all describe like bits of different movies. Yes, he's like, because Alan Jennings, yeah, fucking pro, he comes out and he's like, my sources tell me that somewhere in the Mediterranean, they're gathering, it's like, what the fuck this is nothing, nothing to do with this at all. Like what come? Yeah, they're like, there's a big military operation with the US and China and Russia, and it's like, is it going to be in this movie? He's like, nope, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, have tanks. We can't get none of that happened. Absolutely none of that happened. All right. So now we've got to check back in on the anti-craze who is now listening to and I have

this in quotes. Oh God. Opera. Yeah. It's just the writer going uh uh uh uh uh by the way. This fucking opera music is if like system of a down tried to do an opera. an opera. And Deluca is trying to do some evil conducting. Yes. Oh my. It's the best. It's, it's the worst. And it is best. It's the best worst. There's no meter involved. Like, no, there's not coming out the time. It doesn't even match the song. His. No, yeah. Yeah. At some point, this actor turned to someone and was like, hey, conducting is just like a slow motion mean impersonation of the gay kid in high school, right? Look at me. I'm in a movie.

Yep, that's conducting. You did it. And we should point out, okay, because like the one of the bad guy minions comes in and says, the Turkish king has killed all the Christians and would like to join you. And he's like, great. Does this seem serve any kind of purpose? And she's like, not at all. Really. I mean, it's, am I looking, am I looking evil? Am it dead? Can I look at what I'm saying, guys? Yeah. I think you might, you might want to stop conducting when someone's talking to you. Just, you know, kind of silly if you keep talking, but you got your such an amateur when it comes to evil.

See, here's the thing about evil people. People you don't think are you to mention to you in conversation. That's why they're evil. That's right. And then we get, and then we get my absolute favorite line in the entire movement. Oh my God. Yes. So chubs comes out to meet wool caps

out on the cabin porch and chubs turns to and she goes, can't sleep. And she's like, it's two o'clock. It's very, very clearly the sun is draining over my god damn. I want to just be like, no, not during the day. Can you sleep? She comes out impractically like puts her two hands over her eyes like she can't see because the fact that son is blinding her can't sleep. Well, so here's my guess on this. This was written to be a night shoot, but they realized that they'd need lights and stuff and they didn't have the money, but Chubs was too dumb to learn new lines. So she just had to say that.

Can't sleep here. Take my business coffee. And also, I don't know if you noticed this, but they're like, well, it'll all work out as long as we add a loud ass cricket soundtrack. Yeah. Just shit loads of daytime crickets going like just a fucking army of this is like a queen style bohemian rhapsody studio recording of of different crickets and harmony and shit like thousands of crickets. And then we get the good the good weeps, right? This is the movies Oscar clip where wool cap starts crying and then chubs is like, oh, I thought I was the one crying in

the scene. Fuck. And then like chubs' boyfriend comes out to speak quietly and low. And then wool caps, boy, every one of them walks into the scene and immediately says, are you guys okay? It's like, we've already used that line. Can you say? We're obviously very clearly not okay. Her family was just murdered. We're on the run. Okay, guys, are you? Oh, he's a bad guy. Oh, damn. Spoilers. And he says, I've known Jason since we were in the service together.

And I can only imagine by service, he means like Bikini Inspection Service at Sigma Kai back in the house. Because like there's no, these are not fucking army dude. They're too frat dudes, like the service. So, and then by the way, the Wolfcaps boyfriend says, hey, I'm gonna scout a mile down the road. And he's like, are you gonna betray us and turn out to be a bad guy?

No, no, I'm not gonna do that at all. Just don't look at my hand, is all. Yeah, it's one of those lines where he's like, oh, do you want some company? He's like, no, I just obviously, I'm a trader and I just want to go just to trade around by myself. I feel like it's more. Just stay and fuck my car. Buying words. It's like heathbacking away from a female at an atheist convention. Just I'm going this direction now. Good. Good talking to you. You talked and I talked by, I moved backwards. And then downloading.

He says that. He says, I'm going to go by myself. And then it's smash cuts to the other guy is out there with it. Yeah. They forgot. Now, before we do that, by the way, we get this incredibly useless scene where college Republican is in anti-crest office and gets a phone call and he just goes, yes. And that's the whole scene. Well, it's for the geniuses and the audience to piece together the fact that the Dak Shepherd

like character stepped away for a minute and the bad guy got a, and the college Republican got a phone call. So it's for the geniuses to be like, right. Wait a minute. Hold on. I have a fan theory. What if? And I wanted them so badly just to be making small talk about Grubhub. Just like, okay, I called them and they said it's on its way. The driver just left. Do you still? You're going to eat your cold slow because if you're not going to eat yours, I just, I won't get any. I just have. Could you stop conducting for one step and help me make an order?

I'm getting everyone's Venmo if you could just. So then we'll, so we cut back to wool cap. She's in the, in the cabin still and she's like, Hey, I think I'm going to make some sandwich as in the other chicks like why is she's like, because nothing's going to happen in this fucking movie. I should at least get food. You know, I had a similar note which was hey wanna go on a picnic so we can see my boyfriend be the traitor. Sure. So yeah, so we cut outside and like

Tom has already pointed out like this guy left by himself, but when we see him again he is just stabbed chubs his boyfriend to death. Oh, so good. And the knife is covered in maple. Like we might as well see the eye hop container. They skull it. It is the fakest of fake blood since if footmen tire you know, of course, is due. So she kept so they they wander through. They've made sandwiches for everybody because they're all 11 and they're wandering

through the woods and they come across the, um, Wilkaap's boyfriend standing hovering over Chubs's boyfriend's lifeless body with the bloody knife in his hand. And they're like, you, you think we should come back when they're done? I feel like it's gonna be weird. So he runs up to try to kill both of them, but then all of a sudden some other dude who we've barely even met in the fucking movie jumps up and he's like, gruddy. And he, but that's what I mean, I'm so glad you said the thing about the karate champion thing because my notes here are literally fight scene and all caps because it's always great when you get this fucking fight. Oh yeah. And then my next notice, he knows karate. Okay, so I get to do a spin kick is the very first thing in this man's contract.

There is no. And by the way, this is so because it is so obviously, should we choreograph the fight? Nah, we'll just sing it. I know is that I get to do a spin kick. Yeah, no, bro, we can make it look real. We'll make it don't just, no, bro, just come on, we'll make it look real. Basically how the conversation went. Yeah, no, all of the choreography in this movie was like every third word was bro. And so what happens is the, you know, the main bad guy, Dax Shepherd looking bleach hair guy, he is choking out the guy who was helping the two women for 37 minutes. Oh, my God. So basically, an hour, they're trying to do that stereo typical scene where the guy turns into the bad guy and the girlfriend has to shoot him or stab him or something, but she's too far away

and too better acting. So she takes forever to bend down and pick up the knife. And then she starts to walk towards him and she's like, oh, this is going to take too long. So she started like, it starts to jog over and she's still not making it in time. So she sprints the last two steps. And the actor who's being choked just out of sheer exasperation and how long she's fucking taking just dies.

Like you just put it in the back. Like, oh, thank you. Thank you. I'm dead now because you took too fucking long. The over you. And when he turns around for the stabbed me and now I'm coming for you, but I'm going to do the slow die thing. It is the fakest death I've ever seen. He's like, he's like, I don't want to mess up my jeans. I'm going to lower myself down. You might

as well lay a blanket out and be like, no, I'm not going to turn on my Tim's dude. Not for your movies. One reason it's such a fake death is that it turns out he just need a quick 19 second break as you do when you're stabbed. And then 19 seconds later, he rises up into the frame like his zombie. Yeah, but not really the resurrection really kind of went all the way around because the big beauty guy that he just choked to death comes up behind him. And he does the neck break

by making your head turn 18 degrees thing. Yes. Apparently, I've broken my neck several times. So yeah, and this is where we learn that he had the mark the whole time. And I love this so much because they're trying to make it look like he had a mark on his hand that he then covered up with some kind of makeup, but clearly they couldn't get that to work, right? So they just partially rubbed off the makeup that is the mark.

And I just have to ask you guys are experts, is it a Christian movie requirement that the women be as useless as fucking possible while still serving the plot. So like, they had to do as little as possible to help anybody in this fight scene, but still just enough. Is that how they do it? It's movies in general, but yes, yes, specifically Christian movies. And then they hear gunshots and they're like, let's run towards those. And now it's guns in the woods play time.

Oh my, okay. So the two bad guys show up, the two minions that have been the only two minutes. Yeah, take a moment, spare a thought for these two overworked. I mean, don't talk about the need for henchmen unions, but I get home. It really, they really should,

this is too much. It's very least, I hope they're getting time and a half for this is too much. It's very least I hope they're getting time and a half for this. Yeah, these actors joined the movie exclusively because they were told they got to run around the woods with their guns. Yep. Yeah. They're practically going like, pew, pew, yes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. We'll die for all in the two and leave. I think now we'll put the Zanavex in and post you don't have to peep. Oh, so okay, guaranteed the words Poo, Poo, Poo show up in the script right here, right?

I love to, you can tell that they're tracking the good guys because at one point one of the bad guys leans over and touches the ground. Yeah. The best. And, and Mark Lady at this point runs up to our main characters. They're running through the woods being chased. She runs up to them and she goes, somebody came in and started shooting up the place. And I wanted one of the characters to be like, okay, let's not politicize their deaths.

Okay. But instead they have, she says somebody shot up the place and and will cap goes, who? And I expect her to go like like yeah, what do you mean? You you send me to fucking Sam who the fuck do you think shot the goddamn any price? Yeah, uh oh, what do you think of domestic terrorists? No, the fucking evil government you dips it. Have you been watching this goddamn movie? Yeah, and what I what I'm so sad about those because I really expected a shirtless Ellen

Jennings to emerge covered in blood. Not on my watch. News team assemble. Oh, don't worry. Alan Jennings survived that shooting. If I know anything, he's he's talking through the woods with a knife in his teeth right now. You've been to the forums.

You've seen all the like fan theories about his survival. Yeah, the Alan Jennings forums that are just you and me writing back in the exchange fan art about what's his penis might look like. Yeah, slash fan fiction. Then we get this amazing moment where like the one girl goes, we got to get out of here because those bad guys could be and then the bad guy goes right behind. Yeah. It's like were you waiting for a throwaway opening? Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to set him up wrong. Be like, we need to get out of here before right behind. I have this. I'm just holding. Can I go back and we can try this again? I'll go back

in the woods and you say it again, but this thing, say the same thing, though. And then 13 seconds later, like the bad guy say to him, it's like where's your leader and he and the leader guy goes He's right behind you like we just did the right behind you think guys No, we can't both do right behind you. Oh god damn it But then they beat up the bad guys so they beat him up and and these roided out old Christian dudes who wanted to be in this movie and play with guns They beat him all up and then these fucking idiot Christian dipshits leave a loaded firearm one inch away from the bad guys' hand.

Take the gun with you. All the firearms. Yeah, they go run it up and leave them with all the goddamn guns. By the way, if you're wondering who this leader character is, welcome to the fucking club. We've never met this guy before, right? Yep.

Well, wait, okay, that, okay, so I was confused. I wasn't sure if they were saying who's your leader, but then they already know that Shepherd is their leader who's coordinating with them. Why wouldn't they know? I don't understand this. Yeah. No sense. It makes no sense. Did the person in the van ever finish their manuscript? That's all I got. I really don't know what's happening. That's what it was. He was typing the rest of the script real quick at the beginning there. All right. And now we have more bad fake opera as they run through the woods. God. And by the way, we should point out to this one character here that I have is fat

bald beardie guy and watching him try to run through the woods and watching. Oh, no, no, no, no, it's so great because they're all running, right? And the line of, oh, we've got to stop. They give to the one person out of the five of them who actually looks like she's in shape. All the rest of them are like, don't be been drinking way too many beers, Karen. And this like fit woman who was working on the fake mark is like, I got to stop. I'm so.

Yeah. Yes. And you know that they started that at the day of having fat, fat bearded guy read it and he was like, why would I be winded? My character's in super good shape. And he's like, oh, yeah, you're right. Sarah, why don't you say that line? And she's like, yep, I'm winded.

He just vomited because we ran up this hill as part of the scene, but yep, my also ended guys. There's a proper way to deliver the line. I'm winded, which is winded glee. Yeah. No, I think it's one of those resentment things though. She's like, yeah, I have the five of us. I'm winded.

Not not chubs over here who you can see has shit her pants, but that's me. I'm win-dead. And then of course, because these people are so goddamn stupid, she turned wool captors to chubs and she says, are you okay? Like two minutes ago, her boyfriend got stabbed to death. All the maple syrup leaked out of them are and there are people actively trying to what do they think the word okay means? And now we have to talk about the squib.

Yes, but let us talk about the squib. Okay, so one of their characters is about to get shot. But what they did is they very clearly taped a squib to this guy's bare skin and put a t shirt on over it and launched it because we get a point zero four second shot of that squib going off and then it cuts away. And that's because that actor went, whoo. As though they put the squib in backwards or something. It looks like they did because I was going to, my note says, here's the plan, is his line. And then he gets hit by a small water balloon.

I guess. That's it. Build with some maple syrup. There's some, I guess this is like a raspberry syrup. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's no blood.

It's just, it's just smoke that pours out of him. Yeah. He's making it. Yeah. He's making it completely of smoke. And then the two goons are in charge of everything. You're like, water balloon fires. Yes. But yes, so they tell me I'm meant to something. So yeah, so apparently the minions have now captured all of the good guys.

So that means that we are done with the flashback, right? We're now back to real time, which is with them all in the, you know, the antichrist is going to kill you room. Which who fucking thinks this is a good idea to show the end of your movie first? Like I know they think it's like, oh, that's a cool movie thing where you show the end of the movie and then they rest them. No, all you did was give away which characters are still alive. Yep.

And then tried to like do some weird redirect with who's going to actually be the religious one and then they changed their mind like four times. It's so fucking pointless. Well, and that's the fucking thing is that like when they show you that first scene, you can just fill in every other thing that happened to this, but they don't reveal anything. You already know all of that. So the wool cap and Shubs are chatting together and she's like, okay, whatever we do,

let's both get killed together, right? And Shubs is like, yeah, cool, cool. It's a question. And FYI, she's still wearing the same beanie from scene one in which took place three years ago. Yeah, that thing has got to be fucking ripen. Oh, yeah, it's like smell. They're croaks under that thing.

There's no hair left. It's like when he takes the mask off in Frank, it is not good. All the, all the prisoners are like, look, I know we're all going to be executed, but could you take that thing? Like, you do it a few minutes. Do I, like the last parts of my life are going to be smelling that? So yeah, so we'll cap, they call her name. She wanders off to get murdered.

And so Chubs praise and this is where They do the reveal that random fat Minuto reject has been Jesus this whole time. Oh, but I didn't know that He reaches forward and pats her and I really wanted to tap her on the shoulder and just be like, hey, I'm so sorry You're the worst part of being executed. Can you please cry again? You're the worst part of being executed. Can you please cry down? Just like I'm trying to get ready to die and I'm just hearing you. The snot come out of your nose. That's my last thought is going to be how much snot can be in a human body.

And I just want you to know, as my last request, I want you to shut the fuck up. That's my last request. It's so perfect the way he does it too. I wish you could see it. It's such perfect dialogue. And it turns out this whole time, I don't know, I went back and noticed and highlighted it with a marker because I'm in all the forums with the fan thing.

Right, no, yeah. And Jesus overweight Jesus who doesn't have Jesus's abs and doesn't hold a candle to real Jesus, it's just been going through the motions with them, but not like he's holding his hands together like he's tied up except he's not. And so really, that's just kind of a dick thing to do. Like, oh, we're all tied up here, right? Well, look at that. I can get my hands up. Like what? I'll see you assholes when I've got to sword in my mouth. All right. So then, then they call chubs back to the execution room and she's going back through the

execution hallway and wool caps go in the other way. Turns out that wool cap took the mark. So this movie wasn't about anything at all. Right. And she doesn't say she's like, I didn't want you to die. And it's like that's not, did they do it because she wouldn't die? And she's like, I don't know, the movie's almost over, man.

It's like 30 seconds. I think when they accidentally flipped the character names in the script with a very image, got it? That way it makes no fucking sense. Because right before she left, right before they took her away, it wasn't like she was wavering. She literally says, nope, I love you and I will see you in glory. Like she doesn't tell me she's about dying. It wasn't like she was wavering. She literally says, nope, I love you. And I

will see you in glory like she does. She's about dying. It's a weirdest thing. Yeah. But I think the real line is you took the mark while they said they'd let me keep my beanie on. If I do. And you can tell that we're almost to the end because at this point, the fat lady sings quite literally chub starts singing amazing grace poorly on her way to the execution chamber. Oh, we have to talk about the execution thing. First off, college Republican is in the room looking like you will take the mark or else prepare to debate me. We have to talk about their guillotine because they don't just have a guillotine. They have a guillotine that drops into a lava. And has an aperture instead of a blade, right?

Right. Right. He's like, the guys like, look, you're either going to be burned to death or your head is chopped up. We honestly don't even know. We're also going to electrocute you while we're doing this and inject you with some shit. It's weird. We also scattered some poison on there.

I know. I also might kick in. I'm not sure. Just every execution method kind of. And also I love how, how, how sweet she is about like really? You got to figure the executioner is like, she is like finally. Oh yeah, no, exactly. Stick your head through there.

I didn't even have to tell you. You're so awesome. I know the bodyguard or the, you know, the, the henchmen are like, finally, oh yeah, no, exactly stick your head through there. I didn't even have to tell you. You're so awesome. I know, I know the bodyguard, or the, you know, the, the henchmen are like, oh, we usually have to, you know, drag people into the fun. She's lifting it. She's angling her neck at the right point. He's like, dude, MVP. I just want you to know, MVP.

I know. She goes the executioner, so he's like, hey, what kind of cut do you like on this thing? Do you like when the neck is like, like when you're cutting flowers and you want. You want that. We're on an angle. So college Republican goes, you have one last chance to take the mark. And she looks at him and she goes, amazing. And he's like, I'll get killed. I guess she gets the cover head off. Yeah. At this point, we're all rooting for it. Yeah. And then, and then they chop her head off. Yeah. At this point, we're all rooting for it. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then

they chop her head off and the movie ends. Yep. Yep. She just dies. End of movie. For all we know, this is the genius of Web Pickers' Gill, his way of trolling the Christian community. Like literally, no, she just died. Nothing good happened. Yeah. Yeah. The movie just goes black. And furthermore, the new world order, pretty good government. Yeah. People had food, healthcare, no, it's a right. It was died for nothing. All right.

So in summary of the movie, I feel like these, these movie antichrists are a little too married to the head chopping off thing. So with the apocalypse, no doubt right around the corner. I've been told a number of times any advice that you guys might have because we're obviously we're going to be on the anti Christ side. Um, any advice for future anti Christ on maybe some spare for your execution methods or, ooh, uh, Trump care. That's good. Slightly more humane would be, I think a combination gallows electric chair gas chamber. Can they do all three of the, it's just pick your lane. So weird.

What you've got the lava pit, everything else is useless, guys. Yeah, it's like, oh, wait, wait, wait, is he still alive? I forgot to inject a all right, well, Thomas, I can't thank you enough for hanging out with us tonight. We always enjoy the hell out of doing these movies with you. If the listeners haven't gotten enough of you, the work, where can they go to find some more? Oh, and thank you so much. I love doing the show. It is my favorite. That was a lot of fun. Go to Series Inquires only if you want some serious stuff or I hope everyone's listening to opening arguments. It's in my opinion, the

best source of knowing what the hell is going on in this day and age, legally and politically. But if you think I'm funny, you can check out comedy shoe shine. If you want to talk and listen to philosophy, then check out philosophers in space. Wait, wait, too many projects. Yeah. And we'll have them all linked on the show notes, of course. And well, that does it for our review of New World Order. That's not going to do it for the episode, just yet because we still need to do this again next week, apparently. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, Noah, got he a little birthday present, a little film that we've heard of before, but we've been saving Obama news. Oh, that's right.

It's the origin of Obama as told by Crazy Judge Guy, director, flash writer, creator of our favorite Robert Lozier Antibers. I'm so excited. I've been looking forward to this one for so long. All right, well, we'll have to look forward to it. We're going to bring episode 159. I'm doing the outro quick so we can get to that faster. So let's give it to for episode one, fifty nine.

Once again, huge thanks to Thomas Smith for hanging out with us tonight. And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to catch up with yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an extended and free version of every episode. You can also help us a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our simple shows the skating a the citation dated on the skeptic rat available on iTunes

Stitcher and wherever else podcast live if you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions You can email God off on movies at gmail.com legal services for this podcast are provided by the law of this is a P. Andrew Torres Tim Robertson takes care of our social media Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan slot and the evil drafts on Mars all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkam was used with permission Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick by Ryan Slotting and Evil Drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkam was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Thomas Smith and Eli Bosnick. I'm no illusions, promised to work hard to own another check next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Noah is aware that some of you pronounce it wool.

Don't tweet at us. The Antichrist's minions eventually did hit puberty. It's a wolf. Oh god damn it, right? It's a regional dialect. It's a regional dialect thing. It's just different. Some people say wolves, some people say wool.

But it's a thing. It's a word. People say wool. It's a whole thing. So he will be back next week? Well, it depends on what he thinks of me pronouncing book. But you're ad for the, you're read for the stamps.com ad is going to be really fresh and that's important. Trust me, you, you not having pre read the stamps.com ad is important to me.

So I'm the editor, okay. Kind of five like a motherfucker. You've memorized it now. I did. I used to have to look at my notes, but no, I'm starting to resent it. It's like the 10 count. I got 10 count. I was so mad and then count. I was so mad. And then the

five count was so fresh. Now I'm like, I don't know. But if Noah went one and then we just joined him on two and three, I don't want to get into it. But I'm saying to establish the time anyway. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2018. All rights reserved. of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.