God Awful Movies - 16: GAM016 What If...

Episode Date: December 8, 2015

This week, Heath makes a triumphant return to welcome guest masochist Michael Marshall; Project Director of the Good Thinking Society, co-host of Skeptics with a K, and host of Be Reasonable.  Together, we take on What If…; the story of It’s a Wonderful Life, but in reverse.  We watch Kevin Sorbo turn from a successful, philanthropic, considerate investment banker, to a failed reverend in a termite infested church, thanks to a little bit of head trauma. --- If you’d like to hear more from Marsh, check him out on Skeptics with a K or Be Reasonable.  You can also learn more about the Good Thinking Society if you’d like. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you’d like to hear more from him, you can check out the band’s Facebook page.

And then, so that this convinces the atheist, he says, like, you're right, how do we do this? And Kevin Sorbos says, well, there is no magic spell. All we need to do is say a bunch of words that were written in a book two thousand years ago. Then how we match the red that turned into flesh and drew some wine that's turned into food. But there's no magic spell to this. No, we call it something different than that. It would feel stupid. But it's literally like, there's no magic spell. You'd have to repeat these precise words after me. There's no magic spell, just magic spell.

God awful. Movie. who Welcome back to the gamcast where each week we sample another selection from christian cinema in an effort to ensure that the new star wars movie isn't the worst flick that we see this year I'm your host no illusions and sending 989 miles to my right as my good friend Eli Bosnick Eli so good to you to rejoin us sir all thanks for happening and sitting to my immediate left is wait for it he then right he's welcome back sir so glad to be back i love these movies so way to welcome a guy back home after a month and a half gone yeah now we've also got a special guest mask is joined in us tonight

Sitting 4182 miles to my east northeast is the project director of the good thinking society the host of be reasonable Co-host of the skeptics with a K podcast and somewhere another to do with the mercy side skeptics as well Mike Marshall Marsh Welcome to god awful movies. Hey, it's a pleasure to be here and well done on the the mass and the geography there I figure out exactly where I am. I'm very impressed by that I thought you'd start that gambit and I didn't think you had anywhere to go but you've really fulfilled that Hey, man, I'm willing to Google for my guests. Yeah, we Google map all the way so Now before we get to this abominable piece of shit that brought us together Can you tell us what exactly is the good thinking society? I could think it's a charity set up by Simon Singh, which is a full-time skeptical position.

So I'm a full-time paid skeptic just about. And it's literally my job to go around questioning stuff and to sort of travel around the country encouraging people to doubt stuff. Which is good, because I always tell up to people, and then some people always look at me as if to say, that's not really a job. But I think that just proves how good I am at making

that stuff. Okay, you found stuff. Well said, Vanwell said, also awesome. And as much as we're all dying to talk about Kevin Sorbos acting chops here, I also wanted to ask you about your podcast, Be Reasonable. Specifically, how you manage to talk to these yammering fucks without spraying them with spittle laced invective for 10 breathless minutes at a stretch. Is that like a British thing? Is that like your national superpower? You're building these crazy bastards without just yelling crazy bastard at them?

I think it's partly that, but it's also partly a horrifically cynical ploy, because I'm sat there thinking that as the guest I'm not talking to will say more and more out there things. I'm not thinking God, I've got to shut this person down and tell them that they're wrong. I'm thinking fuck, this is is great radio man. You just carry on. You just carry on. Tell me more about what you think about the Jews. No please I'm listening. Your guests are the people faced scorpion crowns of the real world. I actually have a game. I love Be reasonable and I have a game that I have a friend who has a really hard time controlling his facial expressions. So my game is to play episodes of Be Reasonable for him and just watch his face as people talk

because he just, oh, it just hurts him. It's not okay. Yeah, I get that a lot. And what I get from people is like, oh god, I love Be Reasonable. I can't listen to it. And it's like, yeah, it's such a genius marketing strategy. This is how my podcast is going to take over the world. That it's a podcast that is so hard to listen to.

Even if big as fans can't make it all the way through. That is a genuine amazing marketing strategy. I'm glad you said it before I had to. All right, well enough about you. Now let's get to this bucket of shit that brought us together today. So he'd tell us what will we be breaking down today. All right, we watched what if ellipsis? It's the story of an angel who tries to trick a rich guy to giving up his job and all his money

so that the guy can focus on stalking his high school girlfriend instead. It's kind of like it's a wonderful life except Jimmy Stewart's a highly successful businessman instead of a suicidal poor person. So It's a highly successful businessman instead of a suicidal poor person, so doesn't really make any sense and also Clarence the angel is an abusive drunk who is terrible at his job. So yeah, yeah, yeah It should be called should be called you had a wonderful life That's kind of to summarize what they do to him all the way through it's like it's like the reverse version exactly and Eli tell us how bad Was this movie so you ever think to yourself man I love a Christmas Carol but I wish it was backwards I wish it was about a kindly old gentleman who helped people and was successful in business

and helped his community who had a terrible dream and woke up as a piece of shit if you were ever hoping for that that that's what this movie is. This movie is the backwards version of a Christmas Carol. And it makes, it makes so little sense that I feel like they wrote all of the setup and then they ran out of time for a movie. They're like, oh shit, we have 90 minutes. But we didn't get to the part where he's supposed to change his mind. So they just add the less and where he changes his mind anyways. And they were like, good, good, put it down. Don't watch it.

All right, well, with all that to look forward to, I think we're going to pour a deposit for a quick break. But when we come back, we'll break down all the what and most of the if. You know, too often on God awful movies, we get accused of not being open-minded to the messages that these films preach. So we felt like in the name of intellectual honesty, it would only be fair for us to ask the women we dated 15 and a half years ago if they've ever thought about the life that might have been.

Hey, Carson, it's Eli. Eli Bosnick. Yeah, from middle school. How are you? Cool. Cool, cool, cool, Leo. So, here's the thing, I was wondering, do you ever wonder about us? Like, about the life we might have had if we might have been. Yeah, sorry, the life we might have had like if we got married. Oh really? We know it all? Oh sure. I mean yeah. Gay. Well I guess that explains why it didn't want to customer. It's a six grade dance. Sorry that was that's too I had got nervous. I don't know

if that was a stupid thing that I'm very happy for you I would vote if I could for that I don't know if that was stupid. I'm okay So hard know on the thinking about the past great good. Yeah, I so if you guys ever make it to this okay Yeah, no, you got to go okay good good talk. I love you Hey Carol this is Noah from high school. Remember me? Yeah, no, that's because that's because Noah is a pseudonym but I'm the long hair guy that you dated in in high school Yeah, how you been?

No, I saw that on Facebook and here I didn't think there was any part of your face left appears but You found one. All right Well, so let me kind of cut to the point. It's gonna sound weird especially since I'm Still married to the girl that I started dating after you, but have you ever wondered what life might have been like if we stayed together? Yeah, no, I don't I don't know why you would think about that. I was just asking because um You remember cliff from cheers. You know what never mind never mind. I'm not even gonna get into it But uh well I got you on the line. I wanted to let you know Did I got way better at fucking since then like way better, you know, so no

I mean I still do that sometimes but not by accident like I ask permission first I mean, I still do that sometimes, but not by accident. Like I ask permission first. Hi, Christine, it's Heath. Yeah, Heath from high school, exactly, exactly. Yeah, so the reason I'm calling, so a couple of things actually, first of all, want to let you know that I know it's not a myth, and I found it.

Yeah, yeah, you remember when you told me to call you if I ever managed to find the, yeah, well, I found it. Yeah, yeah. You remember when you told me to call you if I ever managed to find the, yeah, well I found it and I'm calling. I know, I know exactly where you said it would be, right on the crest, who knew? Anyway, the other reason I called, I was wondering if you ever think about how things could have been different.

Yeah, you know, like if we had stayed together since high school. You know, no, I know it's we had stayed together since high school Yeah, I know it's weird, but yeah, I was thinking maybe we could start getting to know each other again Okay, great. So yeah, that's that's fantastic. So um where to begin? You still pro choice. Hello Excellent, so here's my problem. Here's my honest one. Um, Hey, baby, it's me.

Do we, uh, do we need eggs? And we're back for the breakdown. And I have to say that we were about two notes of music into this movie, still looking at a black screen when I realized that I hated it. Why do all the Christian movies have the same fucking soundtrack? Anyway, so we're gonna start at a rundown bum-infested bus station. That's where the action of this movie is going to be. And like an old timey bus station. Yeah, everything else in this movie is modern except I feel like they had to fire a set builder

on his third day. Like they came in and they were like, so you're gonna be doing all the sets and he was like, so here's the bus station, they were like, dude, this movie's set now. And he was like, no, I read the script, this can't be set now. I thought it had like a post-apocalyptic kind of feel. I thought this was like a Mad Max kind of thing

because everyone just looks kind of grubby and dirty in the lighting kind of what it was like, kind of fallout or something. Yeah, it was a fallout for bus stations. Yeah, basically, movie opens bus station where, as far as I can tell, the Great Depression is still taking place. Like, the entire Depression happened and there's like hobos walking around with bags tied to sticks, and tumbleweed,

rolling dekenzy and orphans running around having coal fights. And then we get Hercules, who is going to be the main character of this movie. And Kevin Sarbo. Yeah. And I just want to point out, because we're going to have to plant a flag here and come back to it a couple of times, this movie takes place over a 23-year period. That's true. And they never make any effort whatsoever to make anyone look younger or older.

These guys are just perpetually 46. Oh, I take a strong issue with that strong issue with that and i will tell you why because they painted him or exactly they were like i thought people are orange good let's shoot it yeah that's that's a problem there

i i i can't help referring to his Kevin Solbe because I find him like increasingly surprisingly bitter. Oh, and then of course we also have Buffy. Yeah, we meet Christy Swanson who looks like a bruised pair in this scene. Oh, shit. We should give it to the Buffy. That's what I know from. Yeah, that's it. No Buffy. Yeah, apparently, Christ looks like Stephen Tyler having an allergic reaction to something fun fun fact She is the pyramid shape that Ben Carson was talking about that he figured out that they were great A lot of people don't know that that's where he got that from her perfect pyramid shape in this movie So basically the setup here is that they're at the bus station herkalees is leaving for some business thing for eight months

But he's gonna be back and she's sad because she's not sure and maybe he's gonna change his mind about joining the ministry Mm-hmm. Did you notice that the first line is that hey, it's just eight months and during the first line There's a fucking random reversing noise that they've got going in there So the first line of the film and they've got some truck noise reversing in it is like the worst production of all time Yeah, oh after some of the movies we've watched, this like, I honestly, I was so pleased with the production quality of this movie. We just got so much fun. Oh, this was fucking an amateur.

This was Avatar. This was Avatar. The camera panned between two people and I was like, whoa! This might have been a fucking 3D movie for four weeks of Rust-Dotten. Sweet Jesus. Yeah, so we might be coming at this one from slightly different places. March. I think so.

I'm not used to the output of Pua Flix Entertainment. That's the other studio. Pua Flix Entertainment, despite it having Pua in the name, it still sounds like a porn studio. I don't know how they've managed to achieve that, despite calling themselves Pua Flix Entertainment. Because they call it Flix with an X, which is only for porn. Yeah. And it's normally.

And it's directed by Dallas Jenkins Jenkins who has to be a porn star There's no other reason you have that name You don't see Dallas Jenkins not covered in Very rare only at the beginning of the scene and in the in this scene He gives she gives him a Bible. Yeah, yeah, because he says he says it's beautiful. I have a very nice Bible. I've one of those like Barnes and Noble collector edition Bibles. They're lovely. It's but I would not for say it's beautiful. I think it looks so average I think she just bought it at whatever shitty bookshop was at the bus depot. She's like, oh, she I've got to give you Some things that she's kind of whatever she gets it looks like it's it's such a piece of shit

And then there's a little shitty like rib stuck on like a rosette ribbon stuck on it to make a kind of an effort to make it look like a gift. Yeah, it's the toblorone of course. Have some chocolate shaped like a triangle. I was wanting the LAN airport and they have a vending machine filled with flowers. And I just love the idea of getting your flowers out of a vending machine. Well, that says about whatever relationship you're trying and express through flowers that he's took five years of But not that bad. That's yeah, I think that's the message you're sending at that point

It shoots out a little card as well that goes But here's the crazy thing so he gives she gives him the Bible and then Thirty seconds later they sit down. He puts the Bible on his back 30 seconds later He gets up and walks away without the Bible. Yeah, it's like a brain damage problem It's not like it's supposed to be like oh he's leaving his faith behind, but it's like no man You don't have object And you have her as well saying to him you know you're gonna go What what if you don't come back and she says what if it it's one of those moments, a moment, and she pauses for a long time because both she

and the script writer are trying not to say a sliding doll's moment because that's clearly what they're trying to say. I can't think of anything in the metaphor to use, we'll just let this blitz this off into nothing. It's like that. What if this is one of those moments like the beginning of the movie? Yeah, exactly. Isn't that based on a book? Nope. All right. Fine. So sure enough, of course, he leaves and never comes back. So we fast forward to 15 years later in the big city.

Yep. And the big city in this movie is going to be played by grand rapids Michigan. BAM, BAM, BAM. BAM, BAM. BAM, B BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM America's 114th largest megalopolis by the way and it cracked me up because this is my immediate thought as I look at that

I see the first the only big building that they can find in the city I'm like holy shit that looks like it man That's either grand rapids or peoria illinois and they back away and I'm like that's too small to be pure But okay, wait we're supposed to Here's what's crazy this part of the mind so confused This is supposed to be bad right his life right now Where he's so nice to his secretary he is nice and he's friends and then So he's yeah, yeah, like everything like everything, it's like every Christian movie, it's completely fucking backwards.

The guy's a good guy and he learns to be a horrible fucking person. So he, we get him walking into work, everything, he's super important, obviously everybody's rushing up to him or whatever. And then he walks into the stuffy old white guy room and businesses the fuck out of it. He does. He businesses the fuck out of it. There does. He businesses the fuck out of it. There's a couple of things I want to talk about in this meeting. The first is all of the business stuff actually makes sense, which freaked me out. Yeah, I was really excited for Christian movie Bingo where they talk about stuff and none of

it is English, right? But it all was fairly logical and made sense, so it was very upsetting. I was very upset. I don't know who went to business school in the pureflix hierarchy, but I wish they hadn't gotten to doctor that script because I was really looking forward to life. Your margins are just below Starbucks, Batman, clean cleaner, cameras, director waving at me not to say things I see. So basically, he goes into this meeting and it's a hostile takeover, but it's not a hostile takeover because everyone's going to get to keep their jobs and money.

Here's what I was confused about though, because I was like, look, if we saw this, okay, I'm going to play script doctor for a second. If we saw this scene and it was a hostile takeover, and he was like, I'm taking your company and you're fired. I'd be like, I get it. He's the bad guy, but he was like, I'm taking your company and you're fired. I'd be like, I get it, he's the bad guy. But he's like, I'm taking your company, you get to keep your family fortunate. Everyone's gonna make a ton of money,

we're gonna be successful as hell. I'm like, this character is good. I'm really good. He's been for a while. He said also, he's a genius business man, because the company's totally failing, but he says, yeah, you can keep your position You can keep all the money and what are we gonna get a load of money? What money?

To carry on running the business as they were running it But you've just suddenly matched it up a shit load of money that just was one $1,000,000,000 Yes, where's that come from? This is business homeopathy. You see the less you keep taking the money and you put it in an empty room with no money me up if you see the last you keep taking the money and you put it in an empty room with no money when my grandma didn't have any money we gave her one dollar in an empty room and she felt way better than that that is proof there you go please make the government paper

I'm not biting I've had enough of that I've had enough of that lately I'm not biting on that one you're a Nazi really I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm just I'm not biting. I've had enough of that lately. I'm not biting on that one. You're a Nazi. I'm just trying to keep March company. You're keeping it in and down to my company. You try to create a welcoming environment here. I call that Marcy's a Nazi every so often. I'll shout him down at one point when he's making a point that has nothing to do with me. I've prepared several speeches. It's fine.

I mean, this really is my safe space, and you'd know all about that, so we're gonna have to come to this, it's about those two, right? That's all right, I just would say, you know it pronounced, Newculeur, Newculeur. That's not how it's written, what's the right one? What's the right one?

I don't know. No. I think the only thing that we really need to get from this scene is that he's a good businessman, he just gotta raise in a promotion. Also, he got a missionary letter from Wendy, from his old girlfriend. Now, this is not as sexy as the term missionary letter sounds

to a non-theist. I guess this is just asking money for a church or something. Right. The letter that he gets from her is, please give us money and also let's catch up when you get a chance yes it is the letter he gets from her yeah i love this letter i actually freeze for him on this letter because there's loads of really interesting things about it right because his what his his ex-girlfriend type of person she's now working for like an NGO

or a mission we kind of charity kind of thing in Mozambique so she's she's actually done pretty well for herself by this point you know she's out there really helping people in Mozambique. I mean, whatever she's doing there, you can argue about the benefits of. But also, she says it says come to our fundraising dinner, promising appetizers with a native flair. It's a capital N on native. So she's also like one of those middle class annoying patronizing borderline racists with, which is really annoying. She's going to wear a headdress and and be like, hello my brothers and sisters. So excited to see you all here. And you're like, oh fuck. And then you've got the handwritten note to the bottom. And the way that Kevin Solbear reads out this handwritten note, it's like he's trying to decode a clue that's been left for him by some Batman.

Like he's never heard any of those words in his life. I'm like, I'm going to be in town. Maybe we should catch up. It's really obvious what he's not saying there. Come on. It's the national treasure of friendly notes. I was actually stuck on the prodigal planet of, so I'm glad you went to the analogy first. He has a super crazy, awesome hot secretary. Who he gives a 18% raise to.

Yeah, he's amazing. And this is supposed to be like the bad guy that needs to have some kind of a change in his life, so he can stop being said. But yeah, again, everything we see him do at the beginning of this movie is like, oh, awesome. Looks like you made the right decisions for your particular skill set in life because she goes so I get a 20% raise right and he goes how about 10 and he's like man man man and I'm like oh he's only given her 10 and then he turns around and he's like here's the authorization for your 80% raise can't look like a softy on my first day and I was like fuck this piece of shit I hope he has a hallucinogenic event that changes his

Just to happen off to show what a heartless bastard is he says oh, yeah Maybe she's just kind of looking for money here right over a check to the to the wife with the girlfriend with the most Unbeak thing just right to reject so you just throw the fucking thing away He's like oh she's only after my money here is my money. He's like he's a philanthropist He's good to his wife don't need to charity. Yeah, he's amazing and then his Then his slutty horror fiance or soon to be fiance comes in and We're supposed to this is the most successful the movie is at trying to make someone a villain, but it's not great Like she's not Hitler. Well, no, but this is how heavy-handed they are.

The first thing, like she comes in and he tries to kind of try to hide this jewelry box he's got. And she sees it, she's immediately like, how big is it? How many carrots, you know, et cetera. And that's basically the only, you know, like that's supposed to be enough for us to hate her for the rest of the movie. Oh, I can't wait until somebody drives a nail between her fucking eyes. Yeah, I hope someone really, really hurts her feelings.

She cares about Jullarine more than I think she should. Yeah, right. And the thing is as well, as far as we can tell, he's in love with her and seems he's not like we see him like secretly talking to several of the women or anything like that. So he seems to be monogamous with a woman he's about to propose to you

We're like a lot of bastard. Why is he so famous? He's proposed to her and he's taking her to Paris. Yeah Not too bad to Paris not too bad not too fucking bad. There is nothing I'm gonna go back to this It's very important that I say right now that they're going to Paris because all the other things in this movie I now going to Paris because all the other things in this movie, I now compared to Paris. And so it all falls short. Everything that he later loves, I'm like nope, because I've been to Paris.

Yeah, yeah. And he also mentions, I forget what the name of the restaurant is. He names a super fancy restaurant they're going to. So later on in this movie, and we'll get to it when he's like, meet loves my favorite. I'm gonna gonna be like fuck you in your other life you went to Paris yeah don't pretend there's any meatloaf in this world this is good as fucking Paris there there is a thing as well like that that particularly while we up where as he said you know we've we've got to get ready to pack because we've got to pack for the weekend and she says it's only Thursday and he says it's not in Paris that no

It's it's still Thursday in Paris mate. That's that's my how It's certainly not the weekend in Paris because you're missing all of Friday You're only a few hours ahead here come on So how that works I thought you guys were still just pre-industrial revolution And he says she says you're joking. He said I'd never joke about Paris. And to me tonight, though, I, you know, it's too soon. It's way too soon. Well done, sir. Well done. Then he goes to a car dealership straight out of a perfume commercial to buy himself a Benz. Yeah, he buys a car from the lobby in the Matrix.

As far as I can tell, it's just massive and pure white and totally empty. Yeah, the head of that car dealership is Colonel Sanders from Matrix 2 and 3. Right? Like that's what we're supposed to, it's possible Colonel Sanders. What I realized, and in that moment, was that they could only afford to rent for the day one Mercedes Benz. Yeah, so they were like, it's probably one of those futuristic car dealerships where they only have one car for you to choose from.

What was that shopping process supposed to be like, so do you like our car? No, fuck out. It's the one we have. Yeah, but I mean, it is the world's shitdest car dealership anyway, because he managed to find the one car salesman in the world Who when you make him an offer? He doesn't make a counteroffer. He just wets himself It's like I think the cars when he were this amount. He's like I call this car salesman wet Nathan Lane He looks exactly like Nathan Lane if you just dunked him in water for a year and a half and then brought him out and was like great

Do you see and he blot I'm just so glad to be on land. you think they water bought it in sweet tape part in the film? I think that's why he's the one you spent two months water But I come on you will take part He's the final extra who they had to convince So we already rounded up all the bombs We'll have a PBJ we're out of PBJ guys Everyone's got burns and cuckoo Also, I want to point out I watch all these movies from my fiance and the moment he got the car and it turned to me and goes I just want you to know no matter how many Christian visions you have you can't go back to your ex and then walked out of the room

back to your ex and then walked out of the room. All right, so now of course we need the, like him hitting himself in the head so he can wake up elsewhere and act three scene. And in this film it's gonna take place in the car, the new car that he just bought. So he's driving down the road, car breaks down, pulls off to the side of the road. Airbag goes off in noxemun conscious.

That's not a thing. Nope. It's, I mean like air there's nothing on the air bag that would be capable of knocking you unconscious it's air and a bag no I mean maybe he's really brittle I mean we don't we don't know this about Kevin so I'm sure he didn't he's like Sam Jackson and unbreakable yeah so yeah the airbag knocks him unconscious. Everyone watching says, gee, I bet he wakes up from that in act three after having a Christian vision that makes him decide to break up with the girl that likes jewelry. Spoiler alert, this movie is really predictable. And this is where we get to meet the angel of the movie who will be played by John Ratsenburner of Cheers. It's pretty good it's clip from here the male gets norms friend

cliffy yeah the guy from all the pics are moving the third banana not the second banana mind the third banana from here and even that you are just going like all clifty really and and really i have our money was doing a very i have in my notes christian movies are upsetting are an upsetting series of surprises of which celebrities are crazy That is the journey if someone's like what did you get in 50 years if they're like so tell me What did you get most out of the god awful movies experience? I'd be like I learned which teenagers had a breakdown when careers went

Because that's what every Christianian movie i'm just like all all no think about this to i was alive at a time when carcameran was being build over leonardo de caraparia time amazing did i remember when with the girl who's in god's not dead to uh... who now looks like a melting candle uh... what's her name she was was Sabrina or no, she wasn't. She was clear, it explains it all.

They're the same. Listen to John Hart. Listen to John Hart. Well, listen to John Hart. She is this crazy person now. That's so upsetting. Yeah. Yeah, but you know, you always kind of figured

Kevin Sorbo was, so that was no show. Oh, yeah. I mean, Kevin Sorbo consistently was crazy. There was never, Kevin Sorbo didn't surprise us. Every time they let Kevin Servo near a mic when he was hercules. He was like, hey guys, you know I'm fucking crazy, right? And they were like, oh yeah, we totally do Don't worry. I just got two more season. I disagree. And I think maybe this is a UK perspective I didn't see him really doing it seeing anything when he was hercules

So the first I heard of Kevin Servo outside of hercules was when I'm pretty sure he had a chiropractic manipulation and had a stroke after it after it And then to being like semi-paralyzed I have to learn to walk again and he was like yeah chiropractic's really really dangerous I thought wow her kid he's gonna be like a full-on skeptic. He's gonna be talking about how bad alternate medicine is and then he's like Oh, no, he's a crazy Christian, isn't he that's what he's doing now. He's a fucking not a brilliant Selectively insane. I just wanted to point out that actually just because I know some people are gonna chime in on this The common association between chiropractic and strokes isn't true It's because the negative energy and negative chi that's trapped in your joints when it gets released

The causes strokes And then a lot of people think that it's a chiropractic doing but it's not and I just want I wanted to plan a flag now Because like I really important that that we not close our minds. I don't like the word skeptic because there's people who use that wrong. So I call myself a truthyologist. Oh, well, I think what happened to be clear with Solva was that the negative energy that was released

when he had the chiropractic manipulation formed a barrier. That stopped God's love getting to him. And that's why he had this growth. It was the barrier. It was the interruption of that connection to God for the while I see and that's where cliff comes in because Here to bring the bring the love of God back into case orbs life in the form of a toe truck drive Yes, so that's how we're introduced to him. He's towing Kevin Sorbo's truck But he refuses to tow it where Kevin Sorbo wants him

to tow it. So rather than, you know, calling the police or physically overpowering him or getting out of the car, getting out of the vehicle. That would have done it too. Yeah, exactly. He decides to, you know, just go along with it. It's very much, it's very much a car-bound deliverance, unless you realize that this movie is about him,

you got a pretty mouth boy. I just want to go back to the big city of Grand Rapids, Michigan. I want to take the bus. Well, the great thing is, well, there's like Cliffey kind of berates him. He says he wafts all your potential, basically by a nice guy and a partner and a big firm and having a fiance in a good life and all that. So he's like having to go with him and Cliffey

says, you know, fast cars, fast women. Is he a fast women? It's one woman and he's proposed to her and is engaged. She seems fairly fairly okay by now. But he says all of this, Kevin Sobel, barely batten eye and he says, oh, come on, whatever his name is. I think, what's his name in this? Is it Ben? I forget what Kevin Sobel's character is name. But he says whatever the guy's name is and he goes, oh come on, whatever his name is, I think, what's his name in this? Is it Ben? I forget what Kevin Solve was character's name. Ben. But he says, whatever the guy's name is and he goes, oh, I can't believe you know my name. So he told you all this stuff about your life and you're surprised that he knows his

name and then I figured I know why. It's because he totally forgot that cliff comes from a place where everybody knows your name and that's why he actually. That's it. We're done. It took you a minute together. Damn it was it. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean mean that was a 45 second bill that's trying to get me to that, but we'll take it. We'll take it. I'm gonna carve that into my So worth it myself take a picture. We're gonna tweet that out instead of the episode All right, yeah, no the whole I apologize to the listeners the whole show is gonna be downhill from here on out ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But they took a big turn. Yeah, I expected them to wake up with a ball gag, you know, and then again, been a box somewhere nearby, but it was very disappointing. I want to point to flag. If the rest of this movie had just been cliff from cheers, uh, hate fucking Kevin Sorbonne, it would have been better

than what I was trying. I can watch that from an educational standpoint. I can learn these things. I would say anything would have been better, but yeah, that's actually, that actually would have been pretty good. So now we're going to get to the whole, like, whatever, the, I guess, point of this stupid fucking movie. And so suddenly he comes to, and he's in a bathroom doing a little girl's hair. And I wrote down, I have no idea how i got in this bathroom with this little

girl the no illusions story uh... the little girl is pretty lipstick on the first thing she says is i would have put lipstick on to and she fucking wraps it around her mouth like am i a pretty baby it's fucking horrifying and he's doing her hair and then the mom takes over and is at the mom comes in the room and it's the horrifying and he's doing her hair and then the mom takes over and the mom comes in the room and it's the girlfriend that he left and she

starts to do her hair but at no point is anyone like oh let's take off your fucking clown makeup no and I want to say this little girl was the most impressive actor in the entire movie to me easily like she was fantastic yes you're right oh there were I not I listen maybe I was maybe I'm just blinded by prodigal planet right I don't think there were any bad performances in this movie well Kevin sorbos was pretty oh sobba was pretty bad he was me he was me but like I don't know I like you're you're

considering him to fucking William wellman junior and his daughter Kathy the mashed potato true it's true it's I'm like one of fucking William Welman, Jr., and his daughter, Kathy, the mashed potato. It's true. It's true. I'm like one of those Spanish miners who comes out and has McDonald's and is like, great this food I ever had. Right. Yeah. I thought he's gone for him. I thought she was appalling. She's even capable of making any facial expressions at any time. She was just a completely blank face at all times. I thought she was appalling

in this. I was assuming that was plastic surgery related, but yeah, yeah, no, she was pretty bad. Again, though, Mars, you're coming from a standard of watching movies, you know, that are good and whatnot and we're coming at this from the bottom up. So yeah, compared to some of the shit we've seen recently, this was fucking Oscar winning the movie. for movie but no yeah there was there were a couple of really bad performances at the center of this movie uh... let's have the little girl was pretty awesome though and speak in a little girls uh... i guess we got to get out the uh... the gerald

fogal portion of this movie because this is also where we meet his other daughter uh... she's twenty two now now she's twenty two the sasthan of twelve and she got-up rod dialed up to 12. Yeah, exactly. And like there is no scene in this movie where she appears and her tits are perfectly framed. Yeah, and she's Jesse. Yeah, yeah. She's Jesse on the Disney. I have a little sister. My little sister loved Jesse.

So I, growing I watch Jesse hit 18 while only being in my own head, being like, was my sister and being like, Jesse and her friends are best friends, my sister's 12. And when she was little, she loved Jesse. She was like, Jesse, damn it, damn it, damn it. And I never got to tell anybody like, I would fuck the shit out of Jesse. But now I can finally say, I can let myself say it, she's super hot. That's, it's what got me through this movie. And a similar moment with the Olson twins back in the dam a little bit older yeah yeah yeah so yeah no smoking hot daughter shows up on screen

apparently they're getting ready for church and she doesn't want to go don't worry hot teenage girl when you move out you'll go to college and get a belly button ring and listen to this podcast I I hope I don't mind her listening. I kind of hope my wife doesn't listen to this one. But yeah, so mom, you know, he doesn't successfully persuade her to go to church. So mom gives her the big, you know, well, if you don't love Jesus enough, I'll take away your cell phone logic. Right. Because Jesus is an abusive dad.

Right. Yeah. Well, maybe if you can't love me enough, you don't need fucking all these fucking clothes. You know, I was like, oh, someone needs to call child services on God. And then we have to have the, the, Hey, Shucks, I think I'm dreaming, but it seems so real. I might as well go with it monologue that he gives to himself. Now, there's a a there's a sign of some lazy fucking writing where you have to have like every time this character has to have like a realization of Something we have to like we see him sitting in a room by himself talking to himself so well done guys Well, I love about what he says to himself It's where he says oh I must be dreaming. I didn't realize I dreamed in color and at that moment in that shot

He's wearing like a mushroom cultured with mushroom colored slacks sat on a mushroom colored bed you put a mushroom colored wall and there's white fox in wearing a mushroom colored dress I was like yeah he dreams in color one color he has one color that he dreams in That's a common Christian problem right there And he's looking at he has a moment where he looks at his wife like wow she's so beautiful And it could not be less true. This woman looks like pancake art. Have you ever seen someone who made like the Avengers?

That's what she looks like. This movie should be called What If You Were Married to a Woman Shaped Like an Easter Island Hand. No reason. I wrote, my note, stop looking at your wife like she's hot. You've seen a hot woman before. This is not that Well, the thing is as well the point that this is he diverged off from his life 15 years ago, right? But when he puts his on tie on his wife comes and says hey, where did you learn to tie a tie?

Is that you married a moron? Like when he left you when he was clearly like his what mid 20s or early 30s when he's supposed to have left you Could he not tie a tie then what and what happened when he diverged his life at the bus station? Now he never learned how to tie a fucking tie. Because he became a minister and didn't learn any real skills ever about anything ever. Yeah, he remains a moron. We find that all the way through that as the minister. He's a fucking moron. It just shows even worse that believe in God and your life made was terrible Just go back to the business thing

But but that's the other thing though is that we have to reinforce over and over again in this movie that her The point of her existence is him She has no interest. She has no friends. She has no job She has no say in their life or anything and I think that that's like what we're we're just sort of starting to To plant that seed with the whole but I'm supposed to tie your tie in your shoes and you know whatever wipe your ass yeah i would watch that scene

and so now they go to church and is called and they say this throughout this movie with no fucking sense of irony is called the little white church little white church. Little white church. Yeah, which feels like a script note for the production of this, that never got taken out. You know, I also love that it's an all white church like this movie.

There is one black guy at the very end of that. I don't, you know, I'm teasing you with this, but at the very end of the movie we see a black person We take away I spotted another I spotted another it was like a weird game of like where's Wally? Like where's the racial diversity? It was honestly there's one of that. I'll tell you what we get to it Wait, wait, wait, I need to take a stand. Where's Wally? Oh, yeah, you can't wear Wally. Wally. Wally. It's not a name over here Oh, fuck. I was not a twin here. It's not a name over here either You know, we kept the original content you fucking communist

Wally You're Hitler You are Hitler Osama bin Laden Wally how do I how do I cut him out of this? I think you just carry on and your internet will automatically do that for you and your internet will automatically do that for you. What the hell, what the hell, what the hell, sir? All right, so now we wander into the church. Now he has not figured out up to this point

that in this alternate dimension, he's the reverend. He doesn't figure that out until they walk in the church and the Jew that works at the church gives him. That's what I wrote. This Jewish guy is going to introduce him. That's nice. Now, this is a moment where the people involved with this movie actually thought that Kevin Sorbo's comedy chops We're gonna carry us through this scene. Yeah, yeah, which he does not oh my god the script the script note here is very clearly

FAMP. Yeah And it does not. Yeah, his version of vamping is to look at the Bible like he's not really sure how a book works. He kind of gives it like a weirdest kind of look like. This food. Food for Kevin Sorabo. I eat this Bible while everyone watches, right? Yeah, why was the service going on when he walks in? Like they're already mid-service.

Like they started without him like, don't worry. He'll be minute. It's just get cracking. We've got a lot to get God won't wait he'll destroy our city with fire. So yeah, yeah, so he walks in it gives this The Bible's old let's talk about modern stuff like making money Yeah, instead of using the Bible he basically teaches a lesson from Atlas shrugged instead Very interesting and it's all like we all need things things are important to not yeah is a lesson from Atlas Shrugged instead. It's very interesting. And it's all like, we all need things. Things are important. Yeah, you do need things.

Like, for example, the ability to retrospectively edit your IMDB page together to this advantage and take it off your CV. I mean, but what would be left, honestly? What is K-Sorbs, how about his resume that he can be proud of? Hey, those journeys were legendary. Legend, legendary those journeys by Hercules. It's weird though because he's already demonstrated and this is a this is like a

Christian, almost a Christian movie bingo at this point. He's already demonstrated he has the ability to speak in public and the like the thought being put forth is that like if you or me got trapped in an alternate crazy universe, we couldn't give a sermon. I could give a kick ass sermon. All I do is talk about people who give sermons. I know exactly what they want. I know quotes from the Bible.

This guy can speak in public. The fact that he gets up there and he's like, um, Legos, go together and then click, click, and then make an aback. And it is a sour patch, kids. And also, 15 years ago, he was so religious that he wanted to be a minister. Right. He is in the seminary before he met his girlfriend, or back when he met, because we finally later, oh, I'm not seeing that since you in the seminary.

So it's only been 15 years since his entire life is about religion, but he still looks at the Bible like, what? I don't know what this is. He's only been 15 years since his entire life is about religion, but he still looks at the Bible like, what? I don't know what this is. What is this? Is this the one where the boy finds out he's a wizard and the giant comes to his house? The other thing too? It's like they're trying to say, you know, because he's such a materialistic guy or whatever

that he preaches about making money and having money. And I'm like, I mean, the Joel Osteen, Cretzflow Dollar, that works. I mean, that's not like that like if a preacher came in and started talking about money People would find that bizarre or anything. They'd be like oh, we're a church I guess. Yep time to talk about money Yeah, I've sat in a p to pop up audience and I can tell you he talked a lot about Right exactly and but instead his congregation looks at him like he's not speaking English right exactly and but instead his creation his congregation looks at him like he's not speaking English yeah just wrote my note everyone in this congregation's like I don't understand talk about facts haha

haha he also forgot his daughter's name during the sermon yeah yeah yeah he's like one one of the Megan and Megan over here and uh yeah I seem to have forgot my other you may remember her as Angelica the centerfold from the latest barely illegal magazines she's right there stand up angelica whatever your real name is also my mind but again but this is clifters fault this is all clifters fault because he says just before he knocks can so well he says all by the way the little girls called

megan you could have told me other daughter as well you also have so much you take an extra second before you punch in Sparghack. Well, and we're gonna come back to that a couple of times too, because this entire situation, like this would, if it's really hard for me to even take it, the premise of this movie,

seriously enough to say this, but like if God did this, like that would be such an incredibly dick move. I mean, we're supposed to believe that God created these human beings, like Kimberly and Megan, so that he could later destroy them when this demonstration was over. Like, these people had to be killed.

Like, this other alternate, this God-bacon, alternate dimension, that he keeps going every time he wants to do this to somebody, or does he murder those people and send them to hell? Are they, are they like autom automatons being controlled remotely by angels I don't and if so how much is the daughter one like it retail Mrs. Coming up I'm just I want I want to Guys that's what the patreon goes for we Not happening both shit. We found out how much for a jetty a tomat And then also this is an important moment that'll come back. There's some slick dude trying to fuck his daughter who needs to back the fuck up because I called

Dibs when I saw it. It's sort of a reverse kisser, but he's so slick that he's genuinely excited that her father is a pastor like your your dad's the pastor, and he's got like, he's got a list, he looks like he's got braces. I mean, that's fair enough it's his own thing. But later, she's like, you embarrass me in front of the most popular kid at school. So where is your school, but this kid? Is he most popular kid? He's excited, the dad is a fucking reverend.

You know where he is? He's in a city smaller than Grand Rapids. Right, right. Right, right. Right. It's him and like four other guys, and they're all a little bit more in Freedom have down yeah exactly I grew up in Michigan. It's okay for me to say that. It's my word And so

$80 To stay He that Kevin Sorboh pays the kid $80 to stay away from his daughter and I so wanted the The kid to go it's 50 Shackles bro. I already fucked her oh Fuck really damn Okay, cool are you gonna keep her as a slave? Sorry. I'm just trying to figure out this Christian How many goats is that how many goats what's the goat to dollar conversion? Right and this is supposed to be a bad thing right supposed to be like a look at what a

Skizy guy is but he just he doesn't know how to be a dad a demon just knocked him unconscious and brought him into the world of Where he is a dad? Yeah, that's constantly like he forgets his daughter's name and she's mad at him But he doesn't forget his daughter's name He'd never knew his daughter's name because a demon punched him in the face and he woke up into a world where he had a daughter. It's not a flaw in his character. No, no information that's impossible to know.

And yet his wife is totally happy that he's got rid of that kid. No matter what, she's like really delighted. So all we see is that his Christian wife is fucking horrible. She's a horrible human being in every conceivable way. All throughout this film, which makes it even more ridiculous when the inevitable happened by the end All right, right and then also in this scene of Cliff his tow truck drives by so Kevin Sorbo goes chasing after it and I got to say you know that because he's got to be like You know 50 or going on it when they filmed this he's still got it. Well fucking still run

I He was keeping up with that tow truck Yeah, and so they get to he finally catches up to him and he's like hey cliff What's going on and cliff? He's like I'm in a dream and clips like no you're not and two out of two interactions He hurts Kevin Sarbombe. Yeah He hits him with a wrench on the hand He's like can you feel pain in dreams? He's like knowing hits him with a wrench and we're supposed to be like I'm a really what we have is we are two for two on the if you talk to Cliff

he hurts. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting moral quandary of a physically abusive angel to think about. Hmm interesting. Well the thing about this is well that the reason why he hits me says well can you feel pain in a dream? No. Banned so you can't be dreaming. No one said you can't feel pain in a dream. Well this is not a thing you can feel pain in a dream. That does no reason why you couldn't This is just a flawed premise just an excuse for you to abuse this guy. I can certainly dream that I felt pain in a dream Yeah, yeah, um, can you get fucked in a dream? You sure you can get But that is so that is so this character that he is half angel, half prison daddy, you know?

Right, he's beautiful. And he also, there's this moment where Kevin Sorbo is like, Hey, prove to me you're an angel and he's like, Can't do that, can't prove I'm an angel, which is weird, because the movie could totally have improved he's an angel. He could like sprout some wings and float up in the air for a second, or anything, he could just be a ball of light. He could do anything but instead he's like nope, not gonna do that. To which Kevin's server responds, fine, you're an angel. Yeah, he's more likely.

Almost anything. I'm psychotic. You're psychotic. But he's like, Merr, I can't prove to you I'm an angel and Kevin's server was like, well, at least you tried. But this is when we find out that it's all to do with the great one if. Yeah, that's what it's the great one if and it's like yeah what if it had been Cliffey rather than fit for Asia that got that spin off series would it be Kelsey Grammar sat under the car pretending to be a representative God or given what Grammar's into Zeno. You're like yeah great Lodini who sent me down yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna hit you with a sp because of all those thetons and stuff I would love to see that that's disappointing

Kelsey, which boy in this movie I developed my theory which I would like to put forward now I Think this movie is about a guy who dies and goes to hell All right, I'm actually very excited to learn that Jesse will be in hell when I get there. Yeah, but she's 15 in hell. So she's still too young to do anything with. That's the torture. That's where the torture is right now. Alright, yeah, yeah. I don't agree. I've got a totally alternate theory on this film and I'll come to it in a little bit.

But yeah, I disagree with you and we'll see why basically. But there's a bit in this conversation where he says, what if you've, I've ever looked at your life and thought what if you've made different decisions and I got this far In the film. I thought yeah, I should not have agreed to be on this podcast That's a different issue. I should have it. I would not have had to sit through this fucker Marsh is great. What if it's not watching this movie? Is putting you on the block list So he goes home to his wife who shaped like a wet bail of hay

So he goes home to his wife who shaped like a wet bail of hay And they're having dinner. It's okay. They already said grace though So he can just sit down and eat but she says that in such a passive aggressive way like we already prayed It's like she might as well have said you prayers in the oven glory, you know, I just seem like such a passive aggressive Right, and so he sits down and it's meatloaf and he's like, oh, meatloaf is your favorite And I'm like, no, this universe version of him has been to Paris so meatloaf is no longer his favorite That's what happens when you go to Paris you get newer better favorite foods because you're a better human No, I think I think it's good evidence for that I mean, I think there's only evidence that only four people who went to Paris weren't more or any better afterwards. But again, it's way too soon to start on that.

No. You might want to cut that, actually. Yeah, American cuisine is on that. You might want me to cut that, but no. Sorry. OK, so at this point in the film, too, he explains to his imaginary family that they're imaginary and that none of this is real and that he's

been transported here. And I only bring that up because it's just so weird, like, the under reaction from everyone else to what would clearly be a psychotic episode. Yeah, his wife's just mad at him. She's just like, girls, go to your room. I'm mad at daddy because he's trapped in a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of hell. Why? Just like girls, go to your room. I'm mad at daddy because he's trapped in a hell to me. Actually, not like, oh my god, let's help him. But yeah, the thing that gets me is that the youngest kid,

she says, is daddy having a nervous breakdown? It's like you're seven. Why do you know about a nervous breakdown? Oh, hang on, look at your mother. Yeah, it all makes sense now. It's all really clear why you're very familiar with that concept. Right.

Yeah, exactly. So instead of getting him psychiatric help like they should, she kicks him out of the bed and makes him sleep on the couch because because because beds are our weaponry because where you sleep is weaponry even though women are your property where you where you sleep is a violent action that when it's the only power women are allowed in Christian movies oh I had any point is like you go sleep on the couch. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now that makes perfect sense. Yeah. And the other thing about this conversation as well, there's an interesting thing about the conversation, right? So first of all, we learn that she said,

well, we all just moved here because you're the pastor. So in this universe, he's moved his entire family basically against their will. We found out that the kids have gone to leave school. We come all the way here and now you're acting all weird. So he's moved his entire family against their will. He's in this universe. He a dick a complete dick but in his other life his wife was doing work in Mozambique so there's possibly even a death toll involved with him not being a business guy I mean yes it's black people and we don't see any of those in the film and they're not worth anything in this film but still there might be a death toll attached so he might not only have been a

dick who can't tie a tie he might have also killed some people in in another country and then he's sleep on the couch and his daughter Have to tell him oh yeah the sheet goes below the duvet But he can't even make a fucking bed the guy's a fucking mom And also the scene caps with the with the little girl praying, you know Hey, can I say my prayers out here? And I gotta say there are a few things that create me the fuck out more than little kids praying that is so depressing to see i i could have watched this little girls head turned three hundred sixty degrees and i would have been less upset yeah then i was at her prayer especially not a prayer at the end of the like and thank you

giz is for dying for us all men is a all right that's bad yeah that is creepy. Oh, PS, thank you for being a human sacrifice. I'm seven. Then we could do an ice establishing shot of the outside of house as well. And what I noticed on the outside of the house was there was a flag hanging limply outside of it, but we couldn't see what the flag was, but given the racial mega, but this film, I'm assuming it's a Confederate flag. That's all I can shoot, it's hanging outside that.

Those colors don't run, those colors don't run. So, and then we come, cut back to inside, and then we, we're getting this really awkward scene where he decides to drive back into his old life in the minivan. But it doesn't have any gas. Yeah, because he's useless, because in that life, he's an incompetent imbecile.

He can't even keep his car filled with petrol. He's a fucking moron. Well, right, because then he looks in his wallet, he's got no cash, he's an incompetent imbecil, he can't even keep his car filled with petrol. He's a fucking moron Well, right, yeah, cuz then he looks in as well. He's got no cash. He's got no credit cards I'm like you just moved your family here with no you don't have like you don't have a debit card What the fuck? What the fuck kind of sold all his worldly possessions like Matthew? I guess He's genuine when he looks his wallet. He goes oh no cash It's like in the last scene you you give your own cash to that kid. Do you not remember? It was like 20 minutes ago or something.

You give all of your money where you annoyed you had so little money. Yeah, well yeah, right, right. I'm just saying that airbag did more damage than we wanted to. Or that kind of a practice, yeah, one or the other. Yeah, this whole scene doesn't work for me, right? Because as he's sneaking out to the car earlier, he's properly sneaked shut the door really quietly and he walked up the car and he

tried to shut the car door really quite he's in one is family to wake up as he drives off back the city then I've got no money so he goes in he takes his wife's purse and he sat on the landing loudly discussing has rationale for robbing his wife as well it's my money as well as he sat on the landing outside of their bedside door and you're talking about robbing your wife he needed he needed a fucking grappling hook to scale his way out of the house, but when it's time to take money from a person he's like, taking some money, honey. Not sure if this universe is real. Just a heads up.

The little girl gives in the awning money that she has, which works out as being a dollar. And I thought, he's not going to get with petrol, not gas for a dollar. I mean, you can't get any petrol without a five pound minimum spend. You've got to have a certain minimum, and you're not going to meet that minimum spend. But what is planned to get all the way back to the city on one debt, one dollar of gas? He's just an idiot. He's all, whenever he's a pastor, he's an idiot. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently, interesting side note, by the way, when he goes to get the gas or petrol, apparently we're calling it these days, when he goes to get the gas or petro apparently recall it is uh... what he was to get the uh... the the gas station it's get some petro so we can find what

that the american freedom juice yes exactly we call it brown people's death uh... so uh... and it would be a state of the gas station if i'm not mistaken the gas station attendant is the director of the movie that's um... there'll spread this or whatever you face or whatever whatever his name was amazing. And then we get to watch a fantasy promotion.

Yeah exactly exactly we had to have at least three lines in there so he could get paid as an actor as well. Right and so they're driving there and there's just this weird moment there's a couple of weird moments in their driving the car. The first is where Ben's like so so you're an angel, right? You're not allowed to lie. And he's like, nope, not allowed to lie. And he goes, what if God told you to lie? And he's like, shut up. Yeah, yeah, it's amazing.

He's like, God tells me to do it. I can only do it if God tells me to do it. And that's the thing, he makes that point, which means whenever he's punching people, that's not his choice. God has literally said, punch that guy. Like, God is just an asshole in control. Like, get a spanner. Go on, hit hidden in the spanner. See what happens. Go on And then there's a point as well

That there's a part as well where Kevin Sobel Ben is saying like what about Cynthia his fiance and Mike Cliffey says oh, she's an hour type You know what like he's in some sort of weird polyamorous relationship with God Like God has to vet who who click finds attractive like I wonder whether cliff He can only get erect if God tells him to Your fion if someone if an angel told me that my fiance was not his type I'd be the first guy in history to bite an angel in the dick I wouldn't

But get it for a big Just a point I get it yeah, right and I also love this little nugget that comes out He says I graduated at the top of my class at Harvard and Cliffey leans over to says the the moody Bible Institute and I'm like Just the fact that there could have been a Harvard graduate in our world and instead there was some my moody Bible Institute graduate Like that all by itself and everything else evened out that would be a negative too big to justify in this fucking movie Not just a Harvard business graduate number one in his class at the Harvard Business School That's insane. Yeah, and they turn him into a biblical archaeologist. Yeah, that's credible That's like being like I was a brain surgeon who saved I was a child on collegeist and then being like

surgeon who saved sure I was a child on collegeist and then being like booties Bible right right yeah it just shows that God has totally fucked his life as well it's like everything that was good about his about his is his original life God is like not you're not having that you're not having that you've been removed from history you know right there's a great moment where he's talking to orange guy who was the partner who didn't want him to help out the other business from before yeah and he's like oh you remember me don't mean he goes to booties bible school biblia arch theology and he goes we have all the biblical archaeologists we need and i was like true facts yes you can be speaking for any group of people i do believe and that orange guy is now is is is the orange guy is

that engaged to his fiancee and he's kind and he seems relatively annoyed but not that annoyed by that. And then when he's outside, the orange guy is driving the similar car that he was driving. He's like, oh, he's got my car! So, unless you're priorities about them, isn't it? It's really clear what you think about things here. Also, there's a weird moment that when they drive away, the cliff goes, they're really earning that whole weeping and gnashing of teeth, which that's a hell joke, right? Yeah, that joke is a, oh man, those two completely likeable characters are going to burn in fire forever. Yeah, he's a vindictive asshole all the way through. I'm much preferring when he was mispotted ahead in Toy Story. Right, then he punches him again. Yeah, he does. He punches him again. Three for three. Three for

three. If you're keeping count, three for three. And also so, but just not see it coming. Somehow at this point, he's not learned that this guy is a violent asshole. How did you make it as hercules, dude, come on. Listen, you don't let Jared borrow your computer and you don't have to move in punching his hints with Cliff the angel. I know this shit by now. So now we're back to cliche white family. We cut back in. He's waking up on the couch from this latest angel abuse. And his daughters are fighting. And I want to say, like, I know we've

talked a lot about the girls' tints. I want to talk about them at least a little bit longer. Because in this scene, we're framed in such a way that we can see Jesse's tints, but not her head. Yep. There was definitely a pervy cameraman on this shoot. There was definitely a guy who they would look at the dailies and they would be like, come on Ryan, he'd be like, sorry.

What's that USB drive? Nothing. Seriously Ryan, seriously man, we're gonna go to jail. No, Jesse, stop putting stuff in front of your clock in your dressing room. But he must have also been in collusion with the costume designer as well because she's always wearing a push-up bra and that's on a necessary decision for her character I think.

If we really gone out of it to make that make that the kiss. And I want to point out one thing about this scene. The little girl is upset because he says that the goldfish might be in hell. Implies, yes. And the mom gets, yeah and then the mom gets super duper because the little girl the goldfish might be in hell. Implies, yes. And the mom gets, yeah, and then the mom gets super duper, because the little girl's goldfish dies. And then the mom gets super excited and I'm like, why would you say that?

So it's totally okay for him to spend all of his life telling her that people are in hell. Yes, but it's over the line to say that the goldfish is in hell. Yeah, I wrote down in my notes. Like what a careless way to use the otherwise okay concept of a dimension of eternal torture and suffering to a five-year-old Right But the other thing is well that the kids sort of like stoms off that upset and then the teenage daughters I thought that was pretty funny

So like the only way this moron can bond with his daughter is when he ditches the Jesus shit That's not saying kids like a normal human being. It's like the lessons are all here drop the gun still Oh, and we're also introduced to this horrifying little concept in this scene When he asks his wife what he's got on his schedule today She says that he's needed for commitment testing and I wrote down immediately I don't even know what that means, but it pisses me off that that exists. I already don't yeah exactly I already don't there's no the testing of a commitment from a third party i already called both right well i assume this was uh... kevin sobel having to go that and try and seduce

the two of them one by one defense it's a really into each of the one they could be uh... offered a bit of soba soba history it's the all what is it the passion island the temptation island uh... temptation island of his ministry i'm saying as much would have made a way better movie so but it is something that reverence do where you go as a couple to the reverence so that they can

tell if you are unequally yoked to be married uh... i have that in my notes yoked unequally yoked yoke like a cow What a what a constructive fucking way to look at a marriage

Yoked you know how you tie two cows together. Yeah, they pull your plan the way you want them to That's how we like to think about relationships Yeah, that's how we like to think about love Like two dumb animals that need to be tied together so they don't walk in opposite directions. So they go to they cut to the actual commitment testing where she is reading from the Bible. She's reading the God was May Adam was May ribbed from the Adam rib and she says the like they were naked and they were unashamed and Kevin Sorbo goes for a fist bump

And I'm just fucking character It's amazing fist bump He's amazing not seeing it and this goes on by the way her reading from the Bible for so long that I thought She we were eventually she was just gonna go chapter two Exodus you know what? The rest of the movie is just them reading the bible out loud while Kevin Sorbo ages and so then he gives honestly what I consider to be because look I don't know like Eli you're you're engaged so you can pry back me up on this as soon as you tell people I'm getting married everyone has advice for you right everybody wants to give you advice right this is the best advice

I've ever heard anyone give because you basically just breaks it down financially and shit and says yeah yeah right now we're all hormones and fucking and shit but think about yeah you're not gonna be able to have your fast car or I'm sorry you're you're dream Ford F-150 you're Ford 150 he's in the he's like hey I saw that car you came in and I think we're gonna pan out to this kid being in a Ferrari he's in a fucking Ford like hey I saw that car you came in and I think we're gonna Pan out to this kid being in a Ferrari. He's in a fucking Ford 1F 50. I could buy one of those and crash it I have change in my pocket that could buy a Ford 1F 50 and then crash it into a wall and walk away and never come back again The fact that a Ford 1F 50 was his dream ride already says that kid needs to change everything about his life

The other thing as well is that he says, our marriage is really special just like your car. And then he says, oh yeah, I love the car. And my future wife loves me in it. And all I thought about that was, I'm getting it both live with her parents if their love is car bound. I'm guessing there's a particularly a spot

overlooking the town where they have a lot of love that's car bound. I mean, you can fill a second hole with it with a car that drives and sticks. That's all I'm saying. Oh, jeez. You can't? You can't? I knew eventually we were going to get there.

I'm sorry. Sorry if in Jolio, England, you get your first dildos. But when you grow up and ping him to New York, you make you with what you get. You make you with what you get. You're the parking brake if the car is on the map. Yeah is on Exactly unless you want to ask a buddy for a big favor you got to make do with what Fancy ass British love I don't get you people he had his butt plug passed down from his I do say the marshmallow marshes full name is marshmallow by the way

It is this is the butt plug that Lord Fontri gave to me and now I give it unto you. It's made entirely out of ivory as well, because we still waste our happy with that stuff. So long as it's not new ivory, we can pass that down, it's absolutely fine. I killed an antifant, you know. Well, the great thing, it's a smooth finish and it's like marbling, it's a couple of degrees cooler than room temperature at all times, so it's a great material to be using. If you quite the jounce when you insert it, but do it slowly Do it slowly Marshmallow

greatest competition I've ever been apart Shit rums I once again I'm so depressed that my job is to get us back on track because I would much rather talk about the ivory but plug for the rest of the program but anyway we get back to the commitment testing oh and then this is also where like we get the uh... the the the reprisal of the bit where he paid the guy to not talk to his daughter because his daughter shows up in joker makeup because you know that's what happens when girls

right as Alice Cooper all the sudden. Yeah, that's right. And this is the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I'm like, oh, just wait, sweetheart. I'm sure it isn't anymore. But just wait until I get onto the set of Jessie by pretending to be a janitor. Oh, God, shoot. I'll wait until it's a few years' time

when you can actually be in charge of your own career, and you know what an Albatross this fucking film is gonna be around any potential future roles you might have. Yeah, this is the worst thing that ever happened to you. You just don't know how yet. So, yeah, so basically we have to learn that, oh, he did the wrong thing when he was forced by a demonic, merciless, pitiless god to be suddenly her father. Right. His wife, his, the thing is, his wife even says to him at that point as well. I feel like I don't even know you. But at this point, he literally doesn't know. I do not know if I have for a tell you. Right.

A demon, this is, this movie is the equivalent of feeling bad for the I'm thinking of a number game. Nope. God, I'm such a terrible dead. Is it seven? Nope. How much terrible husband, too. Can I get a question about investment banking? You know that thing I did for 30 years.

You know that stuff? Yeah, and then we also learn that the business, the business that he saved is going out of business as well. If you notice that on the television, he's like, oh, that one that I saved in the other life is going out of business. Which just shows that every single one, every single person we've seen in the whole movie is totally fucked when he stops being the business guy and I start being the pastor. Even like a fuck lot of people in Moors and Beak.

Every one of them are totally fucked. The moment God starts meddling, an entire business is going out of profit. It's just like, nobody comes out of this well. Not one human being comes out of it well when he's a pastor. Mysterious work. He's in term I when he's a pastor. See, mysterious. Even some termites get killed right there. Not even the termites.

I'm just gonna get wiped out. This is where it got me because the wife asks him, do you still like us? And that's a totally natural question for a wife and the mother of your kids to ask you. After one day of you acting weird, one day. Right. And this is where I, it all came into focus for me, because I think this whole film, right, I think more on pasta, guy, the guy, he is in this kind of way to pasta. I reckon this guy has been a dick to them for years. He's uprooted them, he's moving to like, but for Michigan out of the blue, he's moving to like, in random places, he's unable to tie his own tie, he can't make his own bed.

So I think this whole movie is basically quantum leap, where the good him has to swoop in and fix up all the fuck-ups that the other guy has made in his life. And that's exactly what happens. All the skills that he has from his real, from his actual life, he comes in and just saves the day. Every bit that's actually good in his life afterwards is all through skills he learned, not being this moronic pastor. So I think we're watching quantum league basically. All right, well that makes the movie a lot easier to swallow. So now we go to a scene where he's like going back to Cliff to tell him like, dude, this is really a fucked up thing to do to me. Like let's just accept this premise for a second. This is a horrible thing that

you've done to us. Right. Yeah, completely. And the thing is well, he says, well, all the, I said, I'm doing everything wrong, nothing's working. And Cliff just says, well, do everything right instead. Which is literally God putting a gun to the guy's head and say, just, just get in line. It doesn't matter whether you like her or not. It doesn't matter how nice a guy you were before. Get in line. You know? Yeah. He gives the speech about total surrender. And this was the general theme of the movie Basically let God rape you on a trial base, you know any of you

I don't like the deal after that you can go back to Consentual atheism it's not rape if it's consensual. Yeah, this is just this is the just the tip of theology Also, I love it one point. He says you know when you long walked away from Wendy you broke two hearts hers and God I have that in my notes. I wrote oh come on God. You're gonna be okay. Get on Tinder get out I mean when he's God has the emotional stability of an abused 15 year old what the fuck get over it dude Right, so then he decides he's gonna be a Christian so he's studying the Bible take a stamp on your Christian movie. Yep. You gotta get the Rocky music Bible study His wife says to him. Oh look at you. I haven't seen you like this since you in seminary and I expected him to stop

It and with those hips on you. I haven't seen you like this since you in seminary and I expected him to stop it and with those hips on you I haven't seen like this since you are inseminated. Oh, and then one of those fist bumps that did it earlier. Come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on. Teenage daughter comes in, gives them a fist bump. Boom. You can start kissing. Just kissing with a person. Just kissing with a person. Way better movie there.

So then like, okay, so he takes his daughter to school and she glairs at him angrily for being a bad dad And then he comes home. Oh, but just before he gets home That's where the other black person in this whole film is there's just an extra who stood on the on the schoolground with his back to the camera And it's like hashtag black extra is matter, you know, that's what I thought I saw All You missed it, but during that scene, he actually was shot by two of his friends standing there, very suspiciously.

They thought he was trying to steal the camera, so they killed him. But it's fine. He was very aggressively standing there. Violently back into the camera, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he does the only smart decision he's made in this movie so far, which is to use his Harvard business skills to buy stocks because he knows the future because he's in a Groundhog's Day Hell universe. Right. Yeah. He's using insider information here from different dimension to inform his better. He's very unethical. He's

like a combination of Martha Stewart and Dr. Strange. Very hard to use. There's also an amazing thing as well when he, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very I mean, anybody who's got access to your computer could get right in here. And your bank accountable? Your $837 nest egg. I also was so ridiculous that I free-framed on his bank statement. And one of the things, I don't know why it was there to know who added it or why, but there was a line on his bank account statement. He was charged $67.84 for digital addiction treatment. Which is a really weird line to put on there.

I don't know why that's on there. It's there, digital addiction treatment. It is on there. He emailed me. I checked it. It is on there The other version of Ben can't stop watching internet He's a cannon. He's a fuck up. He's just a fuck up. There's a version of that everything was wrong with him I'm guessing honestly that that was probably like a side plot of the movie that got removed to get it down below two hours. And then then we get the birthday scene because they were quite literally just copying the script from family man at this point and taking out the risque parts. So he comes home and there's a surprise birthday party waiting for him with his

his wife and daughter. Yeah and his wife accidentally blows out his surprise candle which is basically a microcosm of the entire film at that point you've heard this from the happy well done i also thought it was funny i i didn't occur to me until this point but in every scene in this movie the wife is wearing a commice she's always wearing a dress but like the the the i would imagine she showed up on set every day and they're like yeah that's too much cleavage again.

Well you're gonna like fucking Jesse wear what she's wearing yeah it's different. Jesse doesn't look like someone hung her upside down forever. We were kind of got buffer. You look like a badly loaded version of your younger self. Oh, pixelated shit. Oh, shit. And also they got him a DVD. Okay, so this is his birthday present is a DVD full of their old home movies, which is soon, I assume he's already got. So they give him that and then we watch that video almost all the way through. Yeah, and part of it included the opening credits to the wonder years.

And then we see his wedding and there were like 16 people at his wedding. God, his life sucks. He's like totally sucks. There's so few people at his wedding. God his life sucks. It's like totally sucks There's a few people the well people that is wedding what a bummer And because Christians aren't allowed to have fun because of their religion There's a shot of him playing charades with other adults Which if you're playing charades with other adults, you should suggest everyone fuck each other If anyone if I'm ever in a group of adults and someone's like how about some charades I'm gonna be like how about we all fuck each other. That is my If anyone if I'm ever in a group of adults and someone's like how about some shareins I'm gonna be like how about we all fuck each other keep party

Cuz it's better than shareins if we're so desperate to be entertained here go ahead take a shot man So we watch a good I don't know like seriously like six minutes of I don't know like seriously like six minutes of these home movies and him watching these home movies and The wife and daughters slowly falling asleep because even their board with this movie at this point and when it's all over he says We got it pretty good, huh? Yeah, and to his you don't sleep he does not he has it Everything about your life your favorite male is meatloaf your wife is a moron You have one color of shirt like your life is just you're $500 in your bank account everything about you is just shit

Yeah, you know these finally realized that one can either be successful or a dad and being a dad is okay too I guess we can take a quick break But before we do I got to give act three this hard sell here Will Ben give a better sermon the next time around? Will God psychological torture scheme end with Sorbow getting water-bordered? Is the actress that played the daughter too young to Lou Bup over? Find out the answers to some of these questions and more when we return for the exciting when we return for the conclusion of what if? Well, where am I? Hi Heath, I'm your guardian angel. You have been given the great what if from now on

You will live like you had married your high school girlfriend and never left home. It will be a chance for you to- Fuck! Oh Shit. Oh, okay, okay, okay, back it up, back it up. Alright, I'm gonna back to my normal life yet. Did that work? Okay, no, but hear me out. This is gonna give you a chance to- GAH!

Ah, come on! Oh! Back it up. Normal now? Back to normal? No, but just with- Normal now? I can do the shit all day. Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.

You can go back to being an atheist and a podcaster, but I want you to know you missed out on a very successful ministry. Okay, here's your- Huh? Fine, let's get going. Listen, I try not to get too shappy on the show. I know that our listeners are here for laughs and not what I've got to say, but I just wanted to give a big thank you for no in-heat for creating this nuclear bomb of an opportunity for me to nuclear. I mean the support we have received from our

patrons and of course our our nuclear families that are also a huge part of this. I mean it's like a I don't know I keep using nuclear blast of radiation and love. I will give you all so money I have all in composing like a nuclear blast probably best only explained in the words of someone genius like Solomon Rusty, you know I have I have twelve dollars, but I can get a lot more if I ask around I will give you all my money So like whether you're watching a nuclear explosion with Solomon Rusty or just you're watching a nuclear explosion with Solomon Rushdie you're just sitting at home and there ain't nobody else there to see it. This is the darkest of times. Nuclear. I hate you. So we're back for a merciless 40 more minutes of this

ridiculous fucking movie. Starting with the obligatory I'm gonna be a good dad now scenes. Yeah. And we're gonna start that with a fish upgrade Oh, I'm the fucking fish. He buys the fish from Noah's up pet shop and that point I thought oh fuck off just Right, fuck off right yeah, and even though he bought a fish from there and Noah didn't save the fish The fish will find the fish is All the evil fish still stuck about not a problem which is if you ever notice fish or jerks yeah fish absolutely pricks for sure tricks and also mixing the uh... fresh water with a saltwater doesn't bother them at all

no not even a little so yes so he comes home with a new fish stuff for the little girl uh... because you can buy your children's love and now he has to uh... he has to make hot daughter happy too. So he goes to talk to her and of course using the same, I'm gonna buy you shit method. He's now bought her tickets to the Toby Mack concert at the stadium. Which by the way, I looked up Toby Mack

is a Christian hip-hop artist. Brilliant. Which is the worst present you could possibly give some. You're right. If someone ever wanted to punish me for something they would get me tickets to a Toby Met concert well that you can make it worse because you got you to you get some two tickets so the don't it gets to go with a boyfriend don't worry you'll be shaperone by both of your parents sitting two rows behind you just yeah to really take the fun right after that comes the moms are gonna be

there so keep it to mouth stuff Also also It's not even just you can take your boyfriend. I set you up with a guy Can you imagine that like is there any teenage girl in the fucking world that would actually be happy if dad came home Said I set you up on a date with a Christian hip-hop artist your mom's gonna be sitting two fucking seats behind you Why are you tying a news honey aren't you happy? right your mom's gonna be sitting two fucking seats behind you. Why are you tying a new sunny, aren't you happy? Right! So now we've been building up to this for quite a while, but now that he's a good dad and everything,

he can deliver his new and improved sermon. Yeah, that's at the church. Before we get into the church, we see the sign. The sign that letters on the board, spelled out a free ticket to heaven, just ask inside inside and I'm guessing that the asterisk fell off So there's a foot on the bottom that you can't see where it says all you got to do is give it your sweet happy successful philanthropic life with your If you don't say also no gears

That's what the fuck that says on that side that didn't fit on the sign though and their defense march They're all that shit done fit on the side that's that information point when you go inside that they hand you a two season sees right right so he's given the sermon now I don't mean to brag here but like if I wrote this sermon it would be the worst thing I'd ever written oh yeah yeah I've spent the last 12 hours of my life begging myself to stop throwing up and it's better than the sermon My like oh please just 10 minutes. I just want to If I had done that at a pulpit, they would have been like it's better than the Moses one Not good. It's better And the message is just so bizarre, which is basically, I guess, this message in this is supposed to be...

Let God boss you around. Well, yeah, when God tells you to do something, you jump to it, bitch. Right. Also, my favorite line from the sermon is where he's like, well, I'll have your brother do it. Don't you tell me who I am, and so all of a sudden God's a drunk dad. Don't you talk back to me. I'm the man of the seas the god the fucking great Santini is gonna bounce a basketball off your face

Well, you can I made you You want to be the Moses huh you want to be the Moses you the big man now you the big man now? Also, I love this too because you know, we got him making up with the doors. Now we need him making up with the wife. So after the ceremony goes home and she's cooked her dinner and she's like, this is the most romantic thing you've ever done. Chicken, cord on blue. Yeah, it's 6.30, 6.30.

Dinner at home that he's made at 6.30 is the most romantic thing this guy has ever done for his wife cooked in at 6.30. I wrote my nose. I go down Christie She want to throw that out there. I still have a thing from you from from Buffy I'll admit it. I'll remember when you were fighting vampires and didn't look like a triangle And so then they go for they they finish their they actually don't finish their dinner But no one ever does in movies so they decide to go for a walk down by the docks and I the present that he bought for just Really reveals that this is old lady porn because what he bought her was a tacky old lady kitchen plaque from Etsy with a Bible quote on it. Oh not even Etsy. This is a cracker barrel plaque.

Yes! Listen, I know I'm gonna have to shit out these biscuits and gravy in 20 minutes, so why don't we wander around the gift shop until I squeeze out a loaf? Do you wanna wait in the car and listen to NPR and cry again? No? Here I got your plaque that reminds you you're my property. Yeah, but it's like, so what repairs all of these relationships? You know, he buys the fish, he buys the tickets, he buys this gift for his wife, how can he do that?

Because he made shipload of money on stocks, because he's a businessman. Right, right. He saves the church from being termited to death because he's a businessman. It's all fucked if he says, you know what, I'm gonna stay the pasta mind, Tyler, I'm never gonna be the businessman.

It's just saying, leave your girlfriend, go into business. You can solve not only your own life But everyone else is around you And and they have no fucking idea that that's the message they're sending now Up until this point the movie's just been stupid It hasn't gotten to the point. I feel like of truly offensive. Yeah, this is a fun movie There is one bit. There's one bit that's offensive in that conversation with his wife, where she's like, oh, how did you know how to do all that

with the stocks? And he says, oh, you know, I, I, I, the Lord moves in mysterious ways, she says, or something like that. And he says, and she just accepts it on fierce value. And then she says, is it weird that I find this incredibly romantic? And she's like, yeah, it's fucking psychotic, that you have an uncritical acceptance of your husband,

taking all of your money and gambling on the stock market when you know he has no ability to experience and it happens. Right. Right. And that's what you find really romantic that you are just your role as a wife is to just accept whatever fuck your husband does to back him unquestingly and to just follow him. That is, that is what's offensive here. It's fucking psychotic. Well, and... Talk to me about those call options again. and to just follow him that is what's offensive here. It's fucking psychotic. Well, and...

Talk to Eddie about those call options again. Yeah. Tell me about that strike praise one more time. What would it be like to be married to someone who learned a thing that's real? Well, everything about her role in this movie was offensive, or her role in relation to hell, my guess. But the truly offensive moment in this movie is the one coming up because while they're out at the boats

cliff clavin shows up and says hey there's an emergency down at the hospital ben we need a priest or reverend or whatever the hell he is because some atheist is gonna die and he's all alone and he presumably gonna die because cl Cliffey punched him a bit too hard. I can only assume that Cliffey just wailed on him. I can't try to live too hard on this one, man.

I need you for an alibi. And but yeah, so he's gonna go try to talk an atheist out of his atheism on his deathbed. Well, before we get the deathbed, the receptionist.ist. And that's... Oh, right, yes, that's what we have to. Where she has to say like, what, you're here to see Heinrich? Nobody likes him, he's an atheist. Yeah, and then there's a point where she says something like, all I'm saying is that he better get used to trying to fit through the eye of a needle or something. And then, Clifford, you get to look at the other side. He's looking for a small camel and a large needle.

Exactly, it's like you're doing that. Well, Clifford, you're a receptionist. Yes! At a hospital where people it's like you're doing that you're a receptionist at a hospital that people are dying and you're gloting over that death you are the you're a session of horrible Christians in this film let me let me just say this way he's gonna burn in fire forever that sick man in there who's all alone

and scared yeah exactly nurse crush I'm the person who takes care of him so I know and so he wonders in and there's this old guy there, and the old guy, he's trying to like get his pain medicine thing to work or whatever. He's like, can you fix my pain medicine? And Kevin Sorber is like, oh, I'm a Reverend. I don't do useful stuff anymore, sorry.

No, but I can lecture at you about my invisible friends. Yeah, would you like some of that? I'm a vineyard management. That's this amazing parablyots about the vineyard. Oh God, there's a guy who's owned a vineyard who hires people throughout the day, and then the guy that he hires last who only worked an hour,

he gives them exactly the same amount of pay as everyone who worked the entire shift, and the people who worked at the start of the morning have pissed. They're rightly pissed. They're rightly pissed. That's a shitty story and a shitty example. And the guy who owns a vineyard is a vineyard,

is a terrible businessman who fundamentallyfers him to stand economic Theory. Yes, and he's got it in this area. And I also love the way he gets him into this, like the, because at first the atheist doesn't want to hear about Jesus, and the way he gets him into that parable is he says, hey, would you like to tick off some religious people? And then the atheist perks up, right? Like that's how to get to an atheist heart. Boy, we're just doing this to piss you off and that should be so to religious people absolutely to dumb lesson to be fair though I did write in my

notes when he's I wrote my notes how would you like to take off some religious people I wrote I'm listening and then then he's then so that this convinces the atheist is like you're right how do we do this and Kevin solb, well, there is no magic spell. All we need to do is say a bunch of words that were written about two thousand years ago. And how we made some red that turned into flesh and drew some wine that's turned into food.

But there's no magic spell to this. No, we call it something different than that. It feels stupid. But it's literally like, there's no magic spell. You don't have to repeat these precise words after me. Right. There's no magic spell just, you know, magic spell. That means it's just magic. Mel.

And okay, all right, I at least have to say this. Like this is the meanest fucking thing you could possibly do to a dying person other than rape them. I mean, you're going to go to a dying fucking man who is like, obviously like his brain is not going to be working. And it's terrified of everything and shit's more morphine he's not ready for a fucking theological debate absolutely and my guess is that this poor guy has gone through this plenty in 74 fucking years if you live this in eighthiest in the goddamn Calvinist den

of Grand Rapids mission he's been here in this shit every day for his entire fucking life and now he's got like one fucking hour left to go And he's like oh god at least there's no religious people here at boom here comes Kevin Sorbo Hey, it's me. Hey, so if the Christians think they're doing you a favor for this and it's like you see this so often in Christian movies It's like oh, they saved him just in time. So no, you're being an incredible asshole You just like you can do for just a second imagine that imagine that you're being an incredible asshole. You can just, you can, for just a second, imagine that. Imagine that you're dying, you're about to die. And I show up to try to tell you how bullshit Jesus

is right then. Or better yet, we send it in mom to tell you that now that you're a Christian, you should know that Muhammad came afterwards and that you're gonna burn in hell forever if you don't accept Islam. Everyone would be like, yeah, shoot him. Yeah, exactly.

We need to put him on a registry. All the people from this movie would not be okay with sending an mom to send the real truth to a Christian. Right, of course. Right, and they have no idea that that's exactly the same thing, apparently. So let me cheer myself up. Black person sighting. Ah, yes.

Yeah. Cliff and the black angel approve of what they've seen. And did you see the thing with the black angel, where black angel and cliff do a special little brawl hand? Yes. Well, the second black person in the entire film, we've got to acknowledge that. We can't let that pass uncommented.

We have to have a cliche, black hand shake thing. Yeah. And it was definitely like a compromise the director's like can you do one of those cool like you know highly involved black guy handshakes cliff he is no no I will do a fist bump at absolute most how about one of the up downs and then the bomb okay I'll go up down and then the fucking bump but no and and then you say mom no we gotta have another conversation no because I was using it like I was talking like you I was talking like you I mean you

people I mean you I'm gonna vote for Carson yeah so then that we get Kevin's forgiveness prayer as he explains to Heimer Kimler I mean Heimer Zimmerman how to how to pray correctly. I love that they give the evil a the ascii a German name to other Also, he does at some point say I've done things and I was like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa What kind of things? Yeah? Do you mean the like I stole are we doing Ray Comfort? I stole I lied about what was in the cookie jar? Or do you have, is, was the foundation of your business Nazi Gulf? I'm interested because I want to know where, how simple that I guess you

painted this character. And then as, as the character is praying with, with Sobel as well, and Sobel says something and then he has to repeat it. And then after a little while, that character says, you know, can I follow you quietly in my head so that the cameras can slowly dramatically pan on you through this very dramatic speech in the audience and they can reflect that what you're saying is a lot more about yourself than about me. You know, that's kind of what that whole scene is just doing.

Well, so, but, so, as he's saying these words, he realizes he's speaking about himself. And in many ways, I'm telling my own truth here. That's what the whole thing is. It's fucking so paper fun. In my head though, the reason why he was like, do you mind if I don't say it out loud if I say in my head is because he was just like This is fucking bullshit. I changed my mind. Yeah, it's because he found the way of making the morphine button work fucking well while Kevin Sorbos talking is just like fuck you fuck you

Well, I think it's probably more like in his head. He said you know what and 76 years the one thing I've learned is how to get rid of a god damn Christian He said, you know what, in 76 years, the one thing I've learned is how to get rid of a god damn Christian And the fastest possible. So yeah, so now the angels are watching over him go and and the black guy by the way is the atheist's Guardian angel, I guess and he's like man, I've been trying to get him to turn to the Laura for 70 years and your guy comes in and does it in five minutes So we also learned that the black angels not very good at his job. He's an owner performer But he's got he's got a good fist bump and then there's a phone call They're still in the hospital, mind you but cliff answers it and it's God. Yeah God is calling him on the phone on a

Landline they can't get like a burner cell phone for the team of angels. It's a landline at a hospital Well, I think the issue is that what if someone's like what the receptionist is using the phone does god bring us a t uh... i'm gonna have to bring back i'm not to bring back in five of children up in a minute i'm i'm god i can't hold it'll look bad it'll just look bad god why haven't they changed the music i'm that's my next commandment

uh... they're gonna have like sweet tunes on their like fucking filled on a new you know i'm saying like they change the music that's my next command sending it back to the universe and spoiler alert he's gonna go and find his girlfriend is gonna be because now he's a christian wants to be that person so the only reason to remove him from this universe is to hurt and saddened and in profferish the people from the other universe because he's going to change his life while destroying the people from this universe yes it's now served as purpose and while destroying the people from this universe. Yes, it's now served its purpose. And like in Kevin's service, like, well,

why would God do something so mean? And I'm like, because God's an evil jackass, have you heard of that urethra fish that just jumps up into your dick? Like he had to do that on purpose. Not a good guy. No. Why would Voldemort hurt somebody? And then read his book. Read his book read his book So and of course guess how we guess how Cliff is gonna end this interaction and get him back to where he wakes up at the hospital take a while Guess he's still to keys slips on the wet floor and there's a proper homalone bad guys Straight up in the air full flat down on your back bang. He's out Pop off like fucking Charlie Brown missing the football. Yeah, exactly. It's out of the socks pop off like fucking uh charlie brown missing the football yeah exact the end yeah that's a brown oblong ball by the way martian case you were

yeah we have no time to get into the water on the blazing so now he wakes up with a hospital with wally petro we did use my solid ivory butt plug. It's fine. Anywho, so now he wakes up at the hospital and his mean, horrible fiance that seems to love him enough to sit next to him for hours and hours, well, he's, yes, wakes up at the hospital. But is such a bitch that she's texting while she's doing it. Apparently, she's just supposed to sit there silently.

And the thing is, well, she's a bit pissy with him. And this is the first time we've seen her be pissy anywhere near him. In the start, when he was like getting married, but everything was sweet, it's unlike she seemed like, well, she's a bit interested in the ring. I've been engaged. They get a bit interested in the ring. They do.

Yeah, that's not unnatural. But now, after he's had this whole revelation, suddenly, his fiancee seems like a annoying person, which we didn't see before. Right, yeah. Now, she's just a horrible bitch. So basically, if you follow the logic of this movie, this guy takes his car out, gets knocked unconscious, wakes up, and he's like, I don't love you anymore. And that's like, that's

what God was going for. Yeah, break a hug. I said, this is like if Scrooge woke up, and the first thing he did is ran to the window and threw a snowball at that little kid but he was like, my day is it Wednesday, poop, gotcha, faggot, I'm a Christian now. Yeah, he decides to completely change his life plans based on head trauma. Good go. It's the head injury school of theology. Yeah. The head injury school of theology. Right, so now he runs out of the hospital again, bad decision, the doctors are saying,

you know, you took a hell of a blow there, your prize still can cost, it wouldn't be very healthy for you to be, you know, driving and whatnot. And he's like, yep, don't give a shit, I had a head trauma dream, so I gotta go make patch things up with my ex. My 15 and a half years ago, girlfriend.

Yeah. Who somehow somehow he just knows hasn't been like married or had an entire life or have moved on at all in the intervening 15 years and we know that's true because women in this film only exist for the benefit of Kevin Solvey they're not here for anything else they're just set dressing listen if you buy a lamp and then throw that lamp away it was always your last and that's how women are in this movie and in pure flicks in general

right so he goes to the bus station of course he does it's cyclical it's beautiful yeah i had a pic of him in fifteen years it has been painted no it's the russia mon of christian movie yeah it will know and the bus station is aged in the exact same way that the characters of age, you know, 15 and a half years later. And so, yeah, so he runs into her there and at first, she's acting like this would like, like you would if you ran into somebody you dated 15 and a half years ago. Yeah, right. Kind of nifty to see you. Let me give you a hug.

And then he's like, I love you. I've been seeing you in 15 and a half years. And at this point, she's like restraining water. Yeah, you sound like you've got murals of me painted with your own blood at home, bro back the fuck off You're stalking me so you can fulfill the prophecy of a dream hallucination you had about cliff glaven from cheers Yeah, that's exactly that's what's happening. Oh, okay. I'm gonna need you to step right into the electric part of this taser But what she said to us as well, she's, oh, we should catch up.

Do you have an email address or a cell phone or something? It's like, no, I'm just a high-flying businessman that you wrote to in order to ask for money. They're like, give me money. You know my post address, but you can't remember how long it's been since I, you know, you last saw me and you don't know how to get in contact with me, but you can beg for money.

Who's in charge of her fundraising here? It's just ridiculous. Well, and it's also like, like that would be perfectly natural, like okay, so if you were possessed of the insane and an always bad idea of getting back together with your ex from 15 years ago, like the way to do that would be,

at least in this situation, yes, here's my email, please get in touch. It was so nice to hear from you I'd really like to catch up. I'm a rich guy that can fly to Paris whenever the fuck he wants to I think I can get from Grand Rapids to Chicago to see you occasionally. It's like a three and a half hour drive But instead she's like instead. He's like love me. Yes, yeah Listen to you. She's like I've got a, I've got a gun on the bus. I'm sorry, I've got a goal.

And she gets on the bus. And she's got no reason not to get on the bus, because she hasn't had an intervention from God. Right. She hasn't seen for 15 years. She's now seen for 30 seconds. He said, I love you. You know, her life, she just had her entire life on a hold for 15 years.

Waiting for this bus, this bus scene is ridiculous. But when the bus pulled away, I wrote in away i wrote my notes please please please let this be credits yes yes i had i had i will come off a finger like a yakuza for this movie to end right now uh... but the eight so the bus pulls away and wouldn't you know what clifth clavin is the bus driver it's like picture they can't afford another guy and when the bus pulls away she's like Pixar, they can't afford another guy. And when the bus pulls away, she's standing behind it.

You know that picture on Wikipedia, if you look up cliche, the one with the bus pulls up and she's still behind it, yeah, that. Yeah, right. It's end in, I was hoping she'd be like, holding a jaw from the knockout punch that he gave us. Ha ha ha ha. He just, that would have, that would have topped it off. that would have really talked it off.

That bus driver asked me if I could fuel paint on a bus. I got the bus off. I love it. Yeah. So, and now we flash to eight years later. And this is so fucking bizarre and I don't think they realized how bizarre this is because we flashed to eight years later and now he's living out one of the scenes from the DVD that we watched earlier.

Yeah, but like, 10 years later in time. Well, 23 years later in time. 23, yeah, exactly, exactly. Right, so it doesn't make any sense. But everything looks exactly the same. He's got like a quite an old looking digital handheld camera. And it's like, where's his iPhone? You know, this is 2018. What we're looking at is the future. Well, this like it becomes sci-fi at this point.

Well, it felt like it to a felt like we were watching the end of a time travel movie that didn't really think it through like Loopers or something. I mean, I like like I like Looper. The daughter's name is this really like that That's a third act of that is nothing but him hiding in a fucking field anyway, so and then he shoots perspillous and that makes the little boy Disappeared. I got it. Yeah, so So to be fair, I was facing the other way. I was not watching the movie That movie's best if you have a hood on your head and a bunch of gold bars strapped around your back. Yeah, so So okay, so like I think we kind of already answered this But I want to ask if anybody has any thoughts on like who the audience is for this movie because like I watch this on Netflix

This thing has four and a half fucking stars on Netflix. So somewhere out there in the world There is a kind of person that gets to the end of this movie and says exactly That's the way and so who the fuck is that? Oh, this is exclusively for reverence to show their wives when they have to take a third job at the fucking gas and say, and they're like, you see, would you want a Kevin Sorbo? Yes, more than anything in the world I would want a Kevin Sorbo.

You didn't notice, but I was flicking the bean to the first half of the week where he had money and was taking her to Paris I would trade everything I would kill Cliff the angel I would suck his dick until he died for anyone but you all right well I'm giving this movie four and a half stars all right well Mars says you may or may not be aware we don't do thumbs up thumbs down type ratings on this show as none of the movies we watch are worth a thumb erection. Instead, we opt for rating by analogy. So I'm gonna let Heath and Ely show you how it works first, and then we'll get your thoughts on this as well. So Heath, what would you say is the least comfortable thing that you could do with a crowbar that would still be better than this movie. I guess I'd rather talk to my parents about their favorite orgasms while holding a crowbar

to see this movie. And you know, if there were demonstrations involved that included the crowbar, I might watch the movie, what depending on who it was using the crowbar. But yeah, you got the idea somewhere in between those two things. All right, now while I try to get the thought of Heath's mom fucking herself with a crowbar out of my head,

we'll turn to Eli. Well, I thought she was with me. Well, the thought of heaths mom fucking herself with a crowbar out of my head will turn to Eli Well, I thought you was with me. Well, I thought in my world Well, I thought that was a great segue into Eli so So Eli, what is the worst thing that your fiance could tell you right before your wedding that would still be better than this movie? I have some tweets from the people who listen to the cognitive dissonance episode that I'd like to read as my mouth You made it up that's what you did you invented the story because you're an SJ You didn't well sure prop one is true, but you know I that professor was just trying to have a conversation and you Unreliable

I was both Christine Summers is a saint. I've never seen Thunderfoot so many things. I didn't do Google Christine Summers rapes. I don't know you fucking ass. Never again. Never again. Dick jokes. Yes sir. Yes sir. God leave it should have left it to the smart guy I said it on Thomas. I have a I have two smart guys a show Oh And finally Mars what's the worst job that you could have that would still be better than coming to work with us watching this kind of movie all the time Oh god And this isn't even even a hot thing to me the worst job you could have is having to sit in a room

trying to explain to 30 different homeopathic patients. Well, it's not a bad thing that the homeopathie is going to go away. When they all know that you're a professional skeptic and then start looking daggers at you and you are there for two and a half hours having to explain people regression to the mean and the way that you can do a clinical trial and you have all of the oldest people

the most kind of confused people hating every second that you're breathing. I would literally rather go back into that room that I literally spent my afternoon in than have to watch this film again. Hey, Marsh. Hey, Marsh. Yeah. You're a big farmer, show. I've got to say, like, I love the fact that we've got like a guest on and that a lies on and and and and even he's on all in situations where like their week was so bad that watching this movie wasn't the worst part of it that's awesome that that that that he hasn't had a chance to be like

yet all this family stuff i'm going through thank you for support me and marsh have had to be like and then then they were like, water's magic, and I was like, fuck, I'm going to be a queen. He's just like, yeah, I hope dad remembers my name next week. It's pronounced new to your heart. Well, Marsha, I cannot thank you enough for all your suffering through to be here with us today, so I'm not even going to try. try but before we let you go tell me if our listeners wanted to hear more from you Where might they go to find you? I think the thing that fits this show the best you've got to skip each other care on on iTunes

That's probably the closest me to what you heard in this show I also I'm a very professional and read-align polite person on a podcast called the reasonable world People who are completely wrong about everything. And then occasionally I do stuff around about as well. So if you find me there, you'll find me anywhere basically. Well, thanks again for being part of the show this week, man. Thank you, thank you. And while that does a for our review of what,

I hope that's not gonna quite do it for the episode yet, since we haven't gotten your heart and throbbing over next week's show. So Eli, tell us, what's on deck? Silver bells Christmas-y Awesome Christmas a yeah listen. There are like 875 Christian Christmas movies. Mm-hmm So we're gonna bang them out this month We've got several yeah, it looks like this one is about a a man being court-ordered to serve as a strong man for an underachieving

Anti-LGBT Christian hate group. Yeah, also known as the Salvation Army. Yeah, exactly. What I love about this is it's your classic like bad guy gets forced to do good and learns to be better, except bad guy is getting forced into one of the most heinous organizations you can name. It's like this is basically like, Josh Roonin didn't mean to hit that kid with his car and now he's got to join the nazi youth and learn what shareings really a right yes

yeah it's the annoying guy with the bell it came art the movie right yeah should be excited light go movie so with all that to look forward to will bring episode sixteen to a merciful close. Need to thank Mars for being part of the festivities tonight. Again, if you'd like to check out either of his podcast or learn more about the Mercy side skeptics, you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode. Also, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at

patreon.com slash god awful. And thereby earn early access to an extended edition of every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating aides and the Skeptor Cratt available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoffelmoviesatgmail.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slott and Ikevivaldrafson

Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear here more by following the links on the show notes for the episode, thanks again for giving us a chuck of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neely, Bosnik, I'm No Illusions promising to work hard to earn another chuck next week until then, we'll leave you with a guy from Brooklyn telling you to fuck yourself. Fuck you.