God Awful Movies - 162: Faith Like Potatoes

Episode Date: September 25, 2018

This week, Eli, Heath, and Noah join forces for an atheist review of "Faith Like Potatoes", the story of the plight of white people in apartheid South Africa. No, seriously. --- Come see us in London! We’re live on Saturday, October 6th, and you can get tickets here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-london-tickets-47591873575 --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

He's like, did you hear about that water that fell from the sky? What a miracle that was, huh, that water would just suddenly fall out of clouds. Oh, and I love the reverence performance here, because he's so trying to walk the line between, yeah, absolutely stay my religion and you actually don't have direct control over the weather. I should probably break that to you. Said I could drink poison and take up servants. Yeah! Oh no! That's it! Here's the thing about servants now.

Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who can't catch a break? Who can't catch a break? What man in America? We cannot buy a bucket. No, unfortunately, we can't, you know, this is pretty soon. We're going to have like 25% of the Congress might be women. Are you kidding me? Well, not getting probably not that many, but some, you know, yeah.

Anyway, and sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am amazing Noah. You ever like buy an advent calendar and then you open up the first day and you realize that you didn't buy an advent calendar. You bought an authentic KKK outfit from the 1940s. I have not had that experience.

Well, yes, you did. Because you are the symbol of it. I am an allegous experience. Yeah. All right. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched faith like potatoes. It's the story of just how tough it is to be a white landowner in South Africa. In the 80s. And how only faith in Jesus Christ can help you overcome that tragic struggle of the white landowner in South Africa. It's the white man's

burden of job. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love Donald Trump's racist fever dreams, but you're long for the conversational prowess of a college girl, you will love this movie. It's really, really, really mean girls. Here's the thing. We've watched 162 of these movies and we have seen a lot of, I was a bad guy and then I found Jesus. Now I'm a good guy. This is our first, I was one of the worst guys in history and now I am still exactly the same guy. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Unchanged. It's okay. So I have to share this story with the listeners. So Eli picked this movie. He thought I had no idea what we were getting into. But Eli's like, oh, you know, we're gonna make fun of Irish people this time. Well, this movie has nothing whatsoever to do with Irish people.

I didn't realize that Eli was basing that entirely on the fact that the word potatoes was in the title. So if you, if you got the impression last week that we were going to be talking about Irish people, no, we're not, well, we might, you know, just for fun. But no, the bigotry in this movie is going to be totally different. Also, I'd like to apologize to our Native American listeners for my description last week of the hunt for red October. I did not watch that movie. Made him a sink in my description. I'd like to move forward. Me and my family. Well, I'll tell you this intro sure as hell moving forward. I also have to point this out.

I love the promotional material for this movie literally starts with these words. Frank Rottenbach leads a strong cast of people who generally don't have headshots on IMD. Like that's not a review. That's their fucking material. So gentlemen, how strong was this cast? Are we talking 10-cyl strength of their skulls? Well, we're alert.

Poor. I'm not sure about the cast. I couldn't understand the words they were saying in the movie. Right. So I trouble with that. Yeah. Yeah. It was nice when they finally started speaking Zulu because at least then the movie knew to give us subtitles. Yeah. That was what I understood was with that. Yeah, yeah. It was nice when they finally started speaking Zulu, because at least then the movie knew to

give us subtitles. Yeah, that was what I understood was the subtitles. When I was watching it with subtitles, the, the, you can't hear what these people are saying in their bizarre fucking accents subtitles would cover up these Zulu subtitles. I was, I was, I was ducking and dodging. Some titles, series started give me the silent cheap new she was like make up your mind All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna say best worst

title analogy That that makes the movie end up confusing itself at the end They're trying to say that that faith in potatoes is like faith in God. I guess because you know, potatoes are underground. You can't see them, so you just have to assume they exist. Just like dancing gay frogs. Like God's the dancing gay frog of potato. No, gay, gay, gay frogs are like the God of potato. The dancing, no,

can we write down? We I love her. I lost it. I'm really hungry. Sorry. Yeah. Right. I was going to go with best worse possible thing to focus in on in a film about South Africa in the 80s.

Right. This movie with it takes place during apartheid. We're going to focus on the potatoes though apartheid will never come up. If it comes up, it is a pro apartheid movie, right? It's like great. Now they're getting all, not uppity because they can't get up yet. What is it when you're down? No, no, I'm pretty here.

Yeah, when you're starting to get up, I guess that's still up, but I'm niggeredly. No, that's not mean nothing like that. Okay, I know this is a big claim. I'm going to go with best worst Christian transformation. Again, we have seen a lot of Christian transformations, but this is the only one where the guy goes from essentially slave owning a partied farmowner to slave owning a partied farmowner who wants to rent a stadium. So he can tell his story.

Right. Right. He goes from drunkenly abusive as wife to so burly abusing his wife in this movie, right? All right. Well, this week is to racism as last week was to misogyny. So we're going to get a bunch of impotent size out of the way in advance. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the revisionist history that is faith like potatoes. It's impossible. The user's better because they miss. You want to ask out quicker? He knows.

You're welcome. He's sitting. We are making fun of it. Oh, man, not again. Hey, Eli, what you're doing there? Oh, hey, he, I made a killing this week in the stock market, but these commission fees are killing me. Oh, why don't you try Robinhood? Because he's in England. He's no, no, uh, fictional character. I meant this Robinhood. On your phone? Yeah, Robinhood is an investing app

that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos, all commission-free. They strive to make financial services work for everyone, not just the wealthy, thus the name Robinhood. All right, but doesn't the real Robinhood get mad that they use his name? No, no, doesn't exist, so can't get it. In America, he doesn't exist. In America also doesn't the real Robinhood get mad that they use his name? No, no, doesn't exist. So can't get in America.

He doesn't. In America also doesn't exist. Okay. So other brokerages charge up to $10 for every trade, but Robinhood doesn't charge commission fees. Trade stocks and keep all your profits at Robinhood. Plus, they have easy to understand charts and market data, and you can place a trade in just four taps on your smartphone.

Wow. And you've used it? Yeah. Made trading and buying a breeze. Plus, their custom notifications mean I'm not nervously checking my portfolio every 10 minutes. You know what? I'll give it a try. What do I do? Well, right now, Robinhood is giving listeners a free stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help you build your portfolio. All you have to do is sign up at awful.robenhood.com. That's awful.robenhood.com. Awesome. Now, how do I pull my money out of this account? Am I right?

That's an etrus sketch. You have an etrus sketch. Right. Now, how do I pull my money out of it? Can I see it for a second? Yeah, sure. My money. Mine now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, bumped on YouTube and started a generation of 9-11 truth or fact, nobody on this podcast

knows where Andy Wilson was on 9-11 fact. We don't have the rights to that song. So Eli should probably stop saying it. Fact, we have the chance to confront Andy Wilson about just what he was doing on 9 11 at our live show in London on October 6 with special guests, Michael Marshall and Andy Wilson. Fact. Tickets in the show notes. Fact. We'll be breaking down loose change.

That's what this interstitials really about it. You know, I just never actually wrote it into the notes. The loose, loose change. That's from Halloween, not loose change. And we're back for the breakdown. And I just had one quick note of the production logos here. One of the producers is called Global Creative Studios. As a bit of a duff protest too much, feel to it, doesn't it?

And also brought to you by totally not racist professional lighting included films. Give me a fucking great studio is Matt. No. And the amazing thing about that logo is it absolutely starts out as the paramount logo and they're hoping grandma will fall asleep before they're like, yeah, go over that room. But always a good sign when the same last name appears in the credits a bunch of time. Yeah, you know, you're dealing with global creative studios then.

All right, so we're going to open up on a dude, saddling a horse and packing the saddle bags with potatoes. But first we get that like bullshit artistic thing they're doing. Oh, God, they try. It's like so hard. So smoke and then birds. Just start your fucking movie. You're not a Dadaist.

Just get it over with. Let's go. Show the guy, whatever. Yeah, so he loads his saddlebikes with potatoes, but before he can ride off on his horse and eat his potatoes, he has to read the Bible a little bit. He's reading the very end too. He's just like, okay, it's going to read about the anti-Christ crack and taken over the world before my fun horse ride.

Oh, in case I can throne. Yeah. Cool ending. I'm going to keep this book in my pocket. Yeah. So we get him loading potatoes and then we get him shoving a pocket Bible into his ass pocket, which I was like, okay, well, this is already racist against my Irish people. This is going to take a pretty big turn though. You will get there in a second. Also, I started rooting for like a potato gun situation. Like a conversation.

Oh, yeah. Saves by an ass shot. Yes. Yeah. And also, okay. So the title comes up here. Faith like potatoes. And they tried to make the second oh in potatoes look like a potato

But they didn't try very hard. They sure didn't they were just like take a chunk out of the oh we did it done All right, and then we get the silliest thing that we're gonna see in this entire fucking movie based on a true story now I mean Based on a true guy Yeah, a part tide is true. Yeah, but they don't, they're not based on that story. No, no, that doesn't appear in our story. Okay. So we're going to cut to an African village and we start the movie with a white man in Africa yelling at black people for not working hard enough. That's the cold open. That's our protagonist. Yep. That's the good guy yelling at black guys to get in

the back of his pickup truck like the Africa version of the parking lot at Home Depot, but with slavery. It's, it's really rough. Yeah. And again, we're watching this and I'm thinking, Oh, man, when he has the turn around and he's like, oh, part time never happens. No, never. Let me save you the time now. He is always going to be like, yeah, those guys should have heard up when they were getting in my pickup truck.

And I love Jesus. But I want to talk. He's in this again, as he mentioned, like Home Depot parking lot, but African. And one of the guys in it is just selling wood that has already been burned. Not all the way yet. Yeah, right. There's still some. There's still some burn left on it.

So yeah, they get the truck. He turns on the radio. The radio is immediately like white people sure do have it rough in Africa right now. It's 1976. Welcome back to ex posit FM. Blurker, I'm just going to drop out of the plot of this real reality that we're in. And at this point, all of my notes are just, oh, please be about the white genocide in South Africa. Please, please, please, please, please be about the white genocide in South Africa. It's, yeah, it is in Zambia at the moment, but yeah, we're going to talk about that in South Africa too. Yeah.

I think Donald Trump thinks this movie was a documentary. Yeah, he's just retweeted it. Can we talk about the main character's face for a second? I don't know that I could see it behind the douche beard, but yes, by all means. He's got a, he lost a neckbeard bet 100% at some point in a while. I expected the neckbeard to have its own little spot in the credits, right? Neckbeard by the tribbles, you know? Yeah, this, he looks like Michael Fassbender with like a, uh,

Troglidite filter over his face somehow. Like Fassbender's face got like, you know, slightly randomized on Photoshop. Like, Mr. Potato head actually, that makes fun little one with the title didn't realize that. But you know, like, like it's still him, but like the eyes touching an ear and there's like a tooth on the nose. And that's close. All right, so we get to his farm and he learns here that his cow is going to die of tongue hanging out disease. And he gives, he gives his like African worker guy a gun and he's just like, I'm gonna go. You handle that. And also, okay, so they open up on this and again, like, I wasn't expecting this. I thought we were going to make fun of Irish people.

That's what Eli told me. So like right away, he goes to his wife and he's like, you know, I can't believe the black people here think they should get the land. It's not fair. Oh, it is amazing. All of my notes are just like, oh my god, it's a white genocide in Africa movie. Yeah, it's a white genocide in Africa movie. He literally says this is amazing. All of my notes are just like, oh my God, it's a white genocide in Africa movie. Yeah. It's a white genocide in Africa movie.

He literally says, this is real. The Africans, they came for us. Yes. He also says, we built this place. Yeah. We built this country. We took up the burden. I'm this good guy.

I was supposed to be compelled by the plight of the white landowner in Zambia right now. That's what's about to happen. Yep. And then he's like, yeah, all right. Well, you heard on the radio too. I'm sure Zambia is not working out. White genocide. How are the race relations in South Africa? Great. Is it great? I love who's there. It's crushing it. In the 1980s. So yeah, so they decide to go to South Africa and say, again, this is based on a true story. This took place in 1976.

I just, I want to emphasize that because it's going to matter a lot more as we go. So they have to move to South Africa, but first they've got to like, you know, get some money and stash that and everything. Right. Yeah. He runs it to the bank and he runs back out with like a lot of American cash on him. And he's like, all right, we're going to smuggle some American dollars in there, I guess.

And he like hands it to the wife in the car and then like flicks his eyes down and then flicks his eyes back. And she's like, do you want me to put him in my vagina? Yes, I want you. I just put him in your vagina. Yeah, thank you. Now, you would think at this point, the character would drive away and go to South Africa, but no, he has to physically assault a random driver

for no reason first, right? Because he's black, right? He saw a black guy jumps out of his car. He's like, I want to beat the crap out of that guy. He does. And again, there is never a resolution to that. Okay, I watched this whole movie being like, and a minute now. I know Christian movies, he's going to be like, you know what, he and me were the same. No. Later on, he will go, I'm an African too. Yeah. But he will never go. Sorry about the slavery now. Physical assault through all three apps of that guy. Yeah. Never. While this happens while he's in his Mercedes. Yes.

In Zambia. The good guy got road rage while driving his Mercedes in Zambia and assaulted an old black man. I'm just naming what happens in the movie. Yeah. No, it's fucking. And also we should point out that the black guy he pulls out of his car and beats up. Isn't some beat up asshole.

Bustal, you could not possibly be less sympathetic in this moment. And again, that would make sense if you were setting him up to change eventually. They are. No, like he's going to change countries. Yeah. Right. Change countries and occupations kind of, but that is it. And it turns out that this is actually just this beating up a random

person as a white slave owner in fucking Zambia is just the inciting incident for the next thing where he's like, great. Now I have to like pack up and leave this country fast because I assaulted a black man as a white slave owner in 1979. Like his white nationalism meter was like all big like in Grand Theft Auto. He's got five dead black guys up, down, up, down, left for what is it? And helicopters. They don't know anything. And then is what he's like, well, we got to go quick. And the wife goes, well, at least we've got our children.

I mean, could be worse, we could be Mexican immigrants to the US and the 2010s. That's, that's how anyway. All right. So now we cut to six months later and he just got a machiti farm in South Africa because apparently it took him six months to drive from Zambia to South Africa. He's, he's got the Moses GPS thing going. Oh, well, I see. He's on a swarving.

Oh, and he shows up with no plan. And the wife is like, understandably pissed. He's like, here we are going to grow some fucking beans and stuff. And she's like, what about water way too slow? What do you do? You have a point at like a river right away and you have nothing. That's also in case you were worried that the racism was going to take a break, the mommy

immediately turns to the kids and is like, we're like gypsies now. And I guarantee you the first go in the script was the n word. Get into you. 100%. Yeah. By the way, this is a Quazulu Natal in South Africa. Yeah. The shitty reservation to Zulu people got from the apartheid government and our white protagonist is just going to steal some of that land. He's got a squat.

Yes. Yes. So, and he's also going to have his nine and a half children living this little tiny half room trailer, which, you know, hence the gypsy thing. Then he turns to the wife and he's like, what should we call our new home? And she's like, Shalom. He's like, I'm sorry. Did you say shit? Hold. No, Shalom. It's the, it's the only Jew word I know. Sorry. No, it this is one of two.

Yeah. All right. So now we cut to him screaming at another black person as though he believes that person is inferior to him. Never changes this. And again, this whole scene is just so we can see him scream at someone he thinks is inferior and then mumble racist shit to himself. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, the way he even goes was that necessary. He was trying to help you. And the guy, the protagonist, Angus is the character's name, says, and I quote, I didn't like the look of him. Followed by trailing off the Zulu's are. Remember. Yeah.

She's a so, but he's going to do it all himself, damn it. And then we cut to some Zulu guys and they're, I want to say stick fighting, but the goal clearly isn't to hit the other guy, right? They're not. They're, I don't, this is something in Africa through a white guy who has never cared about his black neighbors just being like, I think they lot to stick dance. I feel like they stick danced once. I don't. Yeah, they're larping. They're minimizing the lightsaber noise while they do it. Yeah, so they've noticed that they have a new white guy squatting. And they're like, Hey, maybe we could go work for him voluntarily. Right. But that sentence, Noah just said in Zulu, took about 10 minutes to say. So I'm pretty sure that these Zulu guys that they hired to be extras just, they said some fucked

up stuff about the hamburger. Oh, there we go guys. And they're like, no, it's just there was the one sentence is the line that you told us to do any of you speak Zulu. Uh, no, yeah, don't worry about it. I'm not done with the sentence yet. Dave, will you get in frame? I just want to, I have a, just for a quick thing. So Michael Foss bitter with a chocolate,ody filter. Wait, what, what? So, so the word troglody? Yeah. Meanwhile, we cut back down.

He is screaming at a stump. He will spend an awful lot of time in this movie angry at this stump. Yeah, I got to admit, I was not prepared for the antagonist of a movie that takes place in apartheid Africa to be a stump. A stump.

Now, I want to point out because like I'm gassing on the only one. I, well, I don't know, maybe he, did you ever remove a stump as a kid? Do you ever have to do that? Oh, many times. Okay. So you know that him with that tiny ass little handaxe, he might as well have a hairring. He might as well be sawing out with a hairring, right? It would take 400 fucking years to take a stump out with that tiny as the landaxe. I represent the implication that I have never

removed a stump. Have you ever removed a fucking stump? Absolutely never. No, I have never. All right, then moving on. Yeah. No, he might as well be tooth brushing the In fact, sanding it down a bunch of my now deleted notes about this are you gotta split the stump from the center He's got to go from the top. I've seen people chop wood Get a wedge. I mean honestly, he should leave the stump and use as his splitting surface, but whatever. Yeah, right. Why the fuck is he trying? It doesn't, that stump isn't like in the middle of his field anyway.

All right. So that night, the wife is trying to cheer him up on the radio. We're hearing about how bad the white people have it in South Africa in the 80s or late 70s. And again, what was this guy's plan? This would be like if instead of moving into a new house, I just packed up all my belongings and moved them to a piece of land in Jersey

and was like, we'll figure it out. We'll bottle and dub this shit. Don't worry in him. Jesus, and he's going like, yeah, maybe we should move somewhere else. And the wife's like, no, there's nowhere in Africa that's safe from black people. Oh, by the way, we should probably go over like the white genocide conspiracy theory that this is based on, right? So there we, yeah. So basically, racist people like to pretend that the civil unrest in South

Africa is black people just showing up to murder white neighbors like every third Saturday they just show up knowing, hey Steve, how's it going? I know you brought cups to the cook out. So I'm going to kill you and your family now. Yeah, this movie gives absolutely zero context to it. They just this move, if you knew nothing but what you learned from this movie, you would just assume that these poor native white folks were having their farms take it over by wild bands of fucking, you know, the bone through the nose African warriors. Just repelling down from the ceiling on ropes. Yeah. This movie never even acknowledges that like he's a land squatter

in Zulu that what what he pointed out that this is a white guy who just walked into land and was like mine now who wants to work for me. Yeah. Right. For free, as we'll find out later on some occasion, speaking of which is it's time to meet Simeon. So this is the best. I love Simeon. So he was the strong cast. He must have been the strong cast. So the next morning Simeon shows up this black dude, the Zulu dude. And he wants to find out if the guys got work. Now Simeon doesn't speak any English and Angus still yells at him in English and asks

some questions in English this whole time. Right. So it's like watching C3PO translate the job of the hot scene. Yeah, it's like watching me talk to a French waiter. It is not great. It's just like more red, more of this. Right. But so, but eventually he's like, he's like, say to Simmy and hey, can you drive a tractor? Can you do anything useful? And then Simmy just points to his muscle as it though to say I'll knock you a fuck out No, I can't drive a tractor, but can I interest you in two tickets to the gun shit?

And yes, he can there. Yes, beautiful, beautiful arm muscles. All right, so now we cut to and I okay, so I wasn't even aware of that such a game existed. My guess is that he played it in college, but they're playing lacrosse on horses. Yeah. Okay. Cross it is actually a sport. Yeah. I just thought this was what polo is and I was like, I know nothing about sports. I didn't, I knew there were horses, but why are there that they got the lacrosse things, man. This is what happens when you let white people figure out sports.

They get weird. And by the way, I like, I know nothing at all about this sports. I have to just assume they suck at it because this is a Christian movie. Oh, yeah. I mean, again, I don't know much about this sport either. I just know it's called Polo Crossing. Yeah, it's Polo, but like with lacrosse sticks and lacrosse style thing on horses, but they are not good at it. But somebody was quite certain that they were very, very good at it.

So they do this long scene where they're like, no, I'm pretty amazing at Polo Cross. Catch me doing, do you see me when I did the turn just now? And they're like, no, no. Well, I hurt myself in the, I poke myself in the eye, but bright before that, we can keep that work, right? He was describing me in Zulu and it took him like 25 minutes to say awesome. I can't really really long word for awesome. Yeah, he has to do a hand gesture, like a pregnant woman shitting herself through. Apparently, that means like really awesome.

So yeah. So all right. So now it's after the game. They're drinking beer at this all white club in South Africa. And they're going to sit around and be racist together for a while or maybe because I hadn't turned on these subtitles yet. So all of my notes are this movie brought to you by the back of the mouth. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So basically, I'll translate you for you here, Eli. Basically what they're saying are, is our black people around here are terrible and they'll kill you. Yeah. The only line I caught was our Zulu's are a treacherous bunch.

Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The guy is telling him to carry a gun in case he has to shoot the black people that work for him. Good guy. Good.

Continue all good. Yes. Yeah. Right. Right. The good friend of his character. I'm pretty sure this is a cop too. This is the police officer. Yes.

Being like, yeah, so you're a civilian, but you're also going to need a gun on your hip at all times to kill black people. Yep. Like the treacherous ones, especially the Zulu's, I carry one like this. It like, call a duty black ops. Am I right? We gotta do it. And the dude, by the way, the main character, Angus is like, no, no, I'm

from Zambia. I've been shooting black people since I was a kid. I like, this is not new to me. Anyway, okay. He's like incredulous. He's like, yeah, it's actually that's crazy. It's actually the same deal in Zambia right now. There's a lot of black people there too. It's like, it's almost like their racistasus towards white people. It's ridiculous. I'm glad you said it. I'm glad you said it. Because I, you know, I don't like to throw those accusations around. No, no.

You're crazy. I'm living in Zambia, land that I got somehow. And then people are there. There was no people on it when my dad showed up. Okay. So sometime later, he's still fucking with that stump and when my dad showed up. Okay. So sometime later He's still fucking with that stump and Simian shows up and he's like, hey man, you know, you got your kids living a sardine can here

I'm gonna build you out. So he's like, no, don't build me a fucking house you stupid and Z word It is amazing to watch this guy be like, oh, you just want me to have a higher party. And then a truckload of people show up from the next farm over apparently, he's not the only white guy squatting in Zulu lands here. Right. So this is where we meet his neighbor. Yeah, his neighbor. Stake. He

seems like I'm steak. You must be angus. Really? Stake? An angus? Seriously? I don't think that's the name, but that's certainly what I heard. I think it was like stank or stang or something like that. But it's I certainly heard I'm steak you must be angry. They call everyone boot at some point. Let's move this. So stick boot angus. Yeah. So the guy so he says, he says to his neighbor, he's like, hey, do you speak Zulu?

And he's like, yeah, he's like, can you tell this black guy to stop building this fucking house? I'll get white people to do it when I have more money. Yep. But then eventually he reluctantly agrees to let this man and his village build them a house. Yeah. Fine. Build me a house. Call. Would you ask me? I'm going to keep trying to knock this stump down with my bare hand. Karate out. And then we cut to Simimeon and one of his Zulu buddies like building him a fucking house just to be really fucking nice. But he's, he's explaining how insane this guy angus is to his

buddy. He's like, he's like, yeah, dude, like it's good that we got a little bit of work here. But this dude is crazy. He's crazy like those Italians who work on power lines. That's exact. That is my new absolute all time favorite stereotype. Crazy like Italians who are electricians. Oh, crazy like an Italian on a power line. I'm crazy. Like a fox Italian on a our line. I guess it's just like we wanted to make sure that we got as many groups that we could possibly be bigoted to as possible into this movie apparently. Oh, and then and then okay, so they're doing the the Watteland dog house and the white people all start having a mud fight. I mean, I know they're not going for black face, but they land on black face, right?

They should at least be aware of that. So many takes where someone turned to Simian was like, ah, now I work for you. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. We're allowed to have a mud fight. This is not technically black face. You have to let us do this. So, her, they finished the house and they get to live in mud literally. Yeah. All right. So sometime later, Angus's brother and his family come to visit I guess, right? And there's this amazing moment of both sexism and this movie doesn't know what to do with

things, is them because the scene begins with him going, lightly is the water is ready and he just hands it to them like, please turn this water into food. Yeah, so they, the wife and the sister-in-law go into the house, which is hardest-esque in its lack of realism once we get to the interior, right? Oh, this mud house that has like art deco decorations and tile, it's amazing. It might as well have a basement, a furnished basement. It's like a pottery barn showroom the day after they built it. Right.

Yeah, exactly. And the wife is complaining. She's like, you know, my husband needs help. He's really stressed out about all the black people in Africa. And so the sister-in-law is like, well, maybe, you know, since he has mental health issues, we should get some psychiatric drugs. Those will be as much as the stump. Those will be the bad guy in this movie, right? They will yeah But before we can further explain that we have to go outside and talk potatoes. Oh

Farming deep cuts if you were hoping for some farming deep cuts in this movie go for it Yeah, no, this the fucking the Martian had nothing on this movie. Yeah. So yeah, the brother thinks they should plant potatoes instead of beans and Angus is like, potatoes, that's crazy talk. A potato crop would require divine intervention. God himself would have to get involved if I was going to play a potatoes for shadow. And then we cut to Angus driving. So okay, so he's driving into the farm one day and Simian and the other

Zulu dood are sitting there and they're like, he's like, Hey, what's the matter? And they're like, he did it. No, he did it. He did it. Apparently one of them wrecked the tractor. Oh, classic comedy high shanks when the slaves wreck your tractor and you physically assault them as punishment. Fox shakes. So yeah, he hit some a bunch. They run off and he's like, no, no, come back and then he hits them again. Yeah. They play it as a comedy beat though.

They seriously play this as a comedy beat like, oh, he's kind of hit him. I can't not that there. Fair. I can see how this would be a weird scene for anyone who doesn't work for Noah. But you're drinking fountain is just as good as ours. Damn, but I've told you that before. Why do I have to drink out of a bowl, though?

Come back, Eli. Come back. Come on. Hey, you again. No, you back. Come on. Hit you again. You got me. This time I'll get you in this rapy SNL character, the continental guy. Just go, come back here or come back. So now we cut to him.

Okay. So he's mad at Simian for wrecking his tractor. So the solution is that I, I am not making this up. You're, you're going to say it, but I'm not. I swear. He demands that Simeon work for him as a slave. Yep. That's what happens, right? He's like, okay, uh, for, to make up for the tractor, you have to work for me for no pay. Yep. That's right. I'm white. You're black. This is fine. We're making a movie. Yeah. And then by the way, you're like, yeah, totally. We get it. We broke the tractor. So we're

slur helping you out after the thing. All right. So okay. So then we cut back to the whites only lacrosse polo club where you can commiserate with the other whites about how we nept the black people are and how tired he is. It's like, hey, you know, if one of a vicious races to have the conversational skills of a college girl, just like, oh my god, I'm the tire. And it's the saddest segregated country club ever. It's like, everything's fallen apart and there's like nails hanging out of the wall. Black people are like, everything's fallen apart and there's like nails hanging out of the wall like black people are like, oh, please don't ban us from your garbage club please don't yeah, and he shows up to sit down with him one of his other cop friends, the racist guys from that scene before. And he's supposed to be all like exasperated angus and he's

like sets his beer down all angry and tired. And he tries to knock over the beer and he misses on the first try. 100% misses. He misses trying to drop a beer. And then he just like throws everything in his hands like an infomercial for like the plantide beer caddies. It's so stupid. Yeah, he's trying to do drunken, stumbly and failing. It's fucking amazing.

So then they talk about how his wife wants him to take things for his insanity, right? She's like, he's like, yeah, my wife wants me to take the mental health medication, but I'll stick with being a violent asshole and a failure. Maybe I'll hear a voice in my head later that will tell me what to do since I'm so sane and don't need this medicine. Yep. His response is tranquilizers are for gay moes pretty much. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Okay. I heard the word tranquilizer. Yeah. What the fuck they were saying for this entire scene, except I did catch tranquilizer. And it's not like to me, I was like, Oh, they're suggesting in addition to his gun, he has tranks for parts. Are you serious right now? And that was kind of confirmed by the other racist guy just outside of the window from them, who uses the word Mandela as a negative reference at that point.

Well, okay, sure. Yeah, no, this guy is here. This is the mascot theory of racism, right? This guy's here to be even more racist than these two, right? So then they will seem progressive by comparison. This is the guy who says, and I quote, the most dangerous job in the world is being a white farmer in South Africa. Being white is not a job. The most also this is he's the guy who says, if that's freedom, I don't want it. And let's

be clear, what he means by freedom is any black person not being a direct slave. He's talking about ending a part side. Yep. Yeah. Now again, like the movie is selling this guy is the real race, right? But you know, again, to try to make our other characters seem, you know, ever so slightly less racist. Right.

But the less racist guy starts explaining how the Zulu's have like dangerous heel bones and fast twitch muscles. Yeah. That's the next thing that happens. Right. Right. Yeah. Exactly. You can see why they needed this even more racist guy to tone them down. But then Angus pukes on that guy, which was nice. That was fun. I didn't appreciate that. Angus, but even before he pukes all over him, so he's a mess. He's like, there's beer dripping down his face and like, apple sauce on him, like a baby,

got it, there's cigarettes and apple sauce on his chest. It's so weird. Yeah. So he pukes on the guy and then we cut back to his house where he's with his wife saying, like, you know, hey, you know, it's tough to be white. Let's talk about that some more. Right.

And she asked him to take his pills and his mom asked him to take his pulse, but yeah, she asked him to take his pulse. And he's like, great. Might as well be on the street smoking crack with the neck. Okay, but that was pit. The word was pills. I got that right too. Yeah. Nice. My notes for for this scene were vrting K. Hala. I wonder what that is. Pills. I think he said pills and then he did and then he shaking a bottle of pill. It's a fun game. Yeah. The words in the movie you're watching for two hours.

I got to say this movie would have been much more pleasurable if I had never understood anything and he once said. So turns out that would have been better. Yeah. All right. So then we get mom dropping the kids. Well, he has to yell and scream and wake up the baby, right? Yeah. And his wife is like, great. You woke the baby with your racist drug mythos. It's like, well, you know, we live in mud. All the noises would do that. Okay. So then we cut to mom taking her kids to the all white school the next day. Yeah. I thought South Africa had lots of black people too. It's weird that the school is. It's interesting. It must be the school district. You know, one of those areas.

Yeah. Yeah. It's the area. I'm in school, I was entirely white too. The neighbor lady is like, hey, how's it going? And she's like, awesome. Actually, great. Super duper great. Your husband is an abusive racist. What?

That's it. Also, can we talk real quick about the Nazi child that comes out of this? The kid could not look more evil. Like, okay, picture a Nazi. Now picture that same Nazi in second grade. That's the fucking fat little second grade Nazi. So good. Did you guys picture me in second grade?

Yeah, I did. I did. I did. That's what I was thinking. Nice chubby cheeks. Um, so you like can't get your arm bit to fit around your man boobs. So you just holding it on there. I usually would hold my arms up so my boobs would kind of flatten out. Yeah. It's the key.

All right. So this random lady that she's talking to at school, they go to lunch together and she's complaining because she's just an annoying person to have lunch with and she's like, yeah, you know, I got him some medicine and that hasn't helped. Probably because he refuses to take him, but who knows, could be any number of things, could also be that all of psychology is nonsense and Jesus is better. What's amazing about this scene is she's trying to do it as a list. She's like, oh, Trot, everything. Trot, Trankalosis. End of list.

everything a trancholysis. End of list. I don't know. Right, but Rando is like, well, maybe you guys should go to church with us. That would fix them. Huh? Go to church. Yeah. Yeah. So after that very productive scene, we get them getting ready for church.

And like, okay, he's bitching because he has to wear a tie because he's an 11. You're like, honestly, like, would any of us have been surprised if this character just started holding his breath at this point in the scene? She has to take a shirt off. He holds his arms above his head. All right. So we get to them. They're arriving at the church. And apparently he's just been yelling at his wife and trying to tie his tie the whole fucking way. It's like a Simon peg movie, right? The one scene cuts with him yelling and then the

another scene opens with him yelling. Yeah, just been, it's been in constant yell mode. Yeah. And apparently they're going to cafeteria church. This is very, very strange. Although I will say my favorite thing about this scene is the subtitle here was Inaudible Dialogue. I just wrote that is literally the entire movie. Yeah, right. Right. All right.

So they get, they go into cafeteria, so they have an meal and all, it's an all white congregation where they're going up and everybody's talking about how awesome God is, but you get free food if you listen to him, I guess. Yeah. And he is watching the clock. He is there five seconds and we see like the clock in slow motion ticking by and I get it. I mean, he has so much shouting and grunting to do. Yeah, he's watching that clock like I was watching the remaining time left in this film. And okay, but the guy behind him, he leans forward and he's like, hey, you go. I should come to church with us. I'm like, you're in church right fucking now. Leave him alone. I literally wrote my notes. Hey, I know you're in church right now,

but do you want to come to church tomorrow? I know you're in church right now, but do you want to come to church tomorrow? He does apparently they go to church again the next day this movie is so fucking stupid that it had to have a scene of him going to church So that he could be invited to church so you'd understand when he went to church in the next scene Right, so they show up at church and luckily the the everyone's already there, but they've left the front row free for him and his family. That was a weird moment. And he's carrying his baby in that

aggressively large bassinet. Yes. Like inside a Winnebago. He's got a baby inside a carryable Winnebago with like handled. Like I wanted a flight attendant to come by and be like, I'm sorry sir, but the baby has to go under the church. Yeah. That's he's looking like a baby inside a duck that's inside a chicken.

Yeah. So then the preacher starts giving his, I used to be an alcoholic, but anyway, how about Jesus? It's so good. He's like, my name's Pastor Dave and I'm an alcoholic. What's sorry? Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. Habit. And then he starts having a flashback, right? Like the story that the pastor's talent is connecting with Angus and so and he has this like make Rhodesia grade again flashback. Yes. Okay.

He has a flashback to the time when he was a kid and watched a Christian movie because this Christian movie wants you to know how important Christian movies are. Right. We matter. The scene. By the way, the cover for this, in case you're wondering why this random flashback happens, it's because the guy that this movie is based on was Christian as a child as well. So they threw this in there just in case any atheist pod guest, there's ever watched this and had to point out the fact that this guy was always a Christian and then just got super

into Jesus when he moved to a new country so that they could be like, no, we showed the scene where he watched a Christian movie. You did. Well, you, okay. So they were aware of us then, but they weren't aware of us with a pastor's next line, which is nobody can deny the power of Jesus in men's lives. There are no podcasters. Heath and Eli are figments of my imagination and I'm a brain and a jar. Nobody at all. And then we get the altar call and I wrote my notes, will Angus go up to yep, never mind the dramatic

tension was so short lived I couldn't finish typing that. Yeah, he gives his life to Jesus, but he also drags the kids with him. And I loved how bored the kids are. They're just like, yeah, Cher, whatever dad, life to Jesus Christ, you got it. And it occurs to me that we've gotten this far in without talking about the physical appearance of the pastor.

Oh, Reverend Don Rickles. I expected at any moment for him to explain how this guy's Mr. Pink and this guy's Mr. Red or something. Yeah. It's so it's it's the second grade Nazi, but with Benjamin button like that. His face looks like it's like a giant balloon that's going to float away from his body. Well, any second. Oh, so this is a small moment, but I love that so much.

They start to pan away from the church because he turns even more Christian now and they started to pan away from the all white church. But then clearly the cameraman realizes that they shouldn't do that because all the buildings around it are slums full of black people and the only nice building is the one that the white people are on. So that would make them look bad. So they're panning back and tightening the shot at the same time. They might as well start to spin the can. Suddenly, cut scene on Batman. Yeah. Right. All right. So now we cut to the he's sitting with with Reverend Don, Donkels and he's telling him his life story right about how

Scottish he is. I guess you could say I'm a psychopath. Oh, sucks. Yeah, so he says, you know, I'm Scottish. That's in my blood. A lot of this movie relies on the notion that culture is transmitted through the blood, doesn't it? Stirring amount.

I'm a Scottish African. transmitted through the blood, doesn't it? Ha ha ha. Disturbing amount. I'm a Scottish African. It's a weird combination, right, Reverend? Reverend's like, oh, well, funny thing about God. He actually loves untrue Scotsman. Very good. Very good. Yeah.

Also, there's a great moment after this where he's like going to give him a Bible and he has like a, I know I have a Bible around here somewhere. Yeah. Well, he says, he says it first. He's like, I'm gonna give you, I have a great book to give you. And we're like, yeah, is it the Bible?

Oh, no. Oh, you've heard of it. Cool. All right, on. Also, like this actor suddenly remembers for the briefest of moments that his character is supposed to have a Scottish accent. It's a quarter of a second. He's like, who's not. I need to. But what's really amazing though is when he goes into the Scottish accent, he's understandable

all of a sudden. Like, what? Like, is that how bad it's gotten? Yeah, I wasn't sure if he like started speaking Better English or did I learn to understand? Africana mumbling nonsense. I didn't know what's happening Because all that like for one scene I got the movie and then the right it went goes right back away And there's also this moment where again You you can imagine that the guy this is based on came in and did some rewrites or something because like he's like, you know, I'm loving this Jesus thing, but don't get me wrong. I'm still pretty bad-ass. And the pastor says, yeah, God loves wild men who are excited about him. Our God is functionally indistinguishable from a raunchy abusive gay lover, really. It's what I'm

trying to say. Yeah. He's not the only one. Honey. That's what I wrote my notes. So the pastor gives him a Bible and he's like, hey, how can I be annoying and Christian? And he's like, it comes naturally. Tell three people or you'll have bad luck for. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

The next three friends that you see today, tell them that you're Christian now and then go find all new friends. So, okay. Christian now and then go find all new friends. So okay, sometime later he's in the truck with Simian and he's learning to speak Zulu, right? And this is amazing because this is supposed to be him good and he's this is where I realized, oh, this movie's turnaround is not going to be he doesn't have slaves anymore. It's just like he's going to be a little nicer to his slave. Yeah.

No, that's pretty much the whole nine. So it was really amazing. Okay. So this scene, they're burning off a bunch of brush and the fire gets away from them, but they open it with him and Simian talking about boy, it sure is windy here, rather than that being we shouldn't start a giant fire then, that's just what he's trying to learn to say in Zulu, right? That's their way of working in that it's windy. Okay. Let me just say right now, I know I haven't torn up any stumps. Is this a part of

farming? Because here's what it looks like. You set something on fire and then you hit it with a mop. Okay, yeah, the mop thing, I don't, like, this has got to be based on a real thing, but like, yeah, they're trying to control the flames by hitting them with flat plastic mobs. Like they're trying to intimidate the fire. Ethan, your dad ever do this to you as a prank? You're gonna get moths. And he has. And if you do it wrong, there's a lot of consequences.

But you learn, you learn to be a better, large fire starter. Yeah, right. Right, yeah. So the fire gets away from, he drives off to go get help like he knows a fucking water vendor. He just pulls up and he tells his wife, hey, wife, I started as an organic fire because I'm stupid. Make someone fix that. So she calls three other people to come with like a few more pitchforks and mobs and they're going to.

Right, but no water. Yeah. So, okay, yeah. And then I think we all have this in our notes. Does the tree shoot him? In tree shoots. He definitely gets shot by a fire. Yeah, I don't know. I guess it's like one of these trees that like, the heat builds up in the gases inside it and then the bark flies off really.

I don't know, something like that happens. But for all we can see is that there are snipers in the trees apparently. And then he's like, yeah, you know, this whacking at it with giant fans thing doesn't seem to be working. We're going to need to pray for rain. And I just wrote my notes, I liked it better when he mumbled hate and racist stuff. I wanted someone to be like, Hey, cool.

Can we just pray for the fire to just stop though instead? Do we need to be like indirect? No, let's go around. Let's go around. Yeah. But then the fire spreads all the way to a large grove of gasoline trees. Now that I'm like, it's serious now. But eventually God sends the rain and they even make they make a big deal about this. It's like oh God said rain even though It's not the rainy season, but in the next scene they tell us the date, right? It's November 17th November is the start of the rainy season in South Africa. So As stupid a thing to lie about as this is they're lying about this. Yep. Anyway, although I really wanted to be

at the rap meeting after that fire, right? Okay, everybody, good work today. Couple of minutes, first of all, wanted to apologize for lighting a fire when I didn't want more fire. I was under the impression that fire was a lot more Contined, you know, so that's a mob head. Oh, it was a devil. You're following on to when I was praying for rain today It was really on my own there and could use some help

So I'm gonna need more help next time. Oh me boss. Do you care what God we pray to? Yes, I'd like that to be my God if it's all the same. Oh, okay, sorry. No, no bad questions. Yeah question another one Can your God stop defy our next time? Instead of the rain just stop defier. I will have a word. Also reminder, everyone here is basically a slave, but I am the good guy in the movie. We're all clear on that. Oh, great. I am the good guy.

All right, so we all right now we rejoin him. He's laying in his corn field, reading the Bible. Oh, I wanted him to turn over and like Edward and Bella are there. Oh, are you guys using this field? I was doing a Bible thing. Are you guys doing a forever thing? Cause I call dibs on this field. That's just my speaking to God and field. And he is. You speak to God. He's like, Hey, God, how do I best annoy people into being Christian, right? Kevin Costner walks up. Dude, you can't put your baseball field here.

Get out of here. Don't more than plant and go with the vampire lady and man. Go. They're good at baseball. Figure it out. So, okay, then the pastor shows up, right? Yeah. And he just starts yelling into the giant acres of corn for Angus. That's his plan to find him. He's just like walks up the road. He's like, Angus, and it works right

that he's right there immediately. He's like, oh, cool. No, I was right next to that. I wanted when he came out for him to be like, how long have you been doing that? Oh, six days. Yeah. And he's like, uh, Angus is like, well, Reverend, welcome to my church. It's, it's just corn. It's, it's corn, but it's anyway. He's like, did you hear about that water that fell from the sky? What a miracle that was, huh, that water would just suddenly fall out of clouds. Oh, and I love the reverence performance here because he's so trying to walk the line

between, yeah, absolutely stay my religion and you actually don't have direct control over the weather. I should probably break that. But airing on the side of the former though, said I could drink poison and take up servants. Yeah. Oh, no, that. Here's the thing about serpents now, as opposed to then they've gotten more poise. You know, weed's gotten stronger. It's like that.

You know, the farm hands have them do the serpent and poison stuff. First plant, just plant. So it also, at this point in the movie, the script writer clearly starts forgetting what sentence he was starting to write, because he has this, this monologue where he's like, it struck me that God gives ordinary people. All right, that's the end of that sentence. Let's move on to a new one. Yeah, I feel like he was starting to read.

He's like, you know what I noticed? God didn't use highly educated people or people with video count runs. Wait, I don't mean that. But then they like three sentences later get back to that. And he's like, oh oh yeah, no, God got to talk about everyday people like white teachers and white. But then the pastor decided that this is a very important moment in his life. So he's got to like mark the date, which he does by pulling out an ear of corn and scribbling it on the dirt path next

to him. That's November 17th, the day that God called him. He's so stupid. And I think this is like, okay, yeah, 1117. Never forget. Got it. You can just tell me verbally though. You didn't have to take one of my corn.

Yeah. Feel like you actually corn was a bad way to write that. So yeah, a stick or your finger might have been easier Feels like you were aiming to waste corn I still have it. I didn't got it. You see? Yeah, so and also it's this is a dust So it's not like it's not like you just carved it into stone You don't think that's gonna stay like the footprints on the lunar regal if there anything do you do you think that it's okay? And now it's time to realize what God wants him to do

Yeah, yeah, so he's gonna rent town or he's gonna rent a hall in town so that he can tell people how awesome Jesus is right Yeah, and his wife has a moment of clarity, right? She's like really do you maybe want to do? Yeah, and his wife has a moment of clarity, right? She's like, really? Do you maybe want to do some mouse with your time here in Africa? Did God tell you do anything else? You're in Africa. You're like, nope, nope, spend a week talking about Jesus. Ben to town hall.

Yeah, that's the most important thing I could do with both my time and my money in South Africa in the 80s. Yeah. All right. So, but he, he, he wasn't telling everybody that amazing story about it raining once. So we get this like montage of other pastor said, no, you'll never be able to convince anyone in this 80% Christian country to come to church. That's silly. You're not Jesusy enough for that. Well, one guy's even like, dude, they're all Christians. Like, you're gonna either be preaching to the converted and he was like, oh, oh, that one, I want to do that.

Yes. But I'd like to rent a building for a week to do it. Right, I'd do that. Yeah, so a bunch of pastors turned him down. So we come back to him at home that night, bitching about how nobody thinks he can Jesus good enough. And then a bunch of black people show up because one of them was struck by lightning

and they need the help of the white man, right? They need his much stronger God to assist them. He knows Jesus, so maybe he can get Jesus to take back his lightning. I don't know. He'd have Jesus talk to Zeus. He's white too. Yes. Now, if you think that Eli was just exaggerating about where this movie was going, no, exaggerating about where this movie was going. No, he shows up at the Village where all this is workers live. There's a dead girl on the bed who just got struck by lightning But he yells Jesus words at her and she comes back to life Well, does she come back all the way back to life?

No, or did she wake up but only half way yeah, and she comes back to life. Or did you wake up but only half way? Yeah. And she comes back to life. He's like, God healed you. Lift up your hands and she's like, it's a lightning storm. Not probably. Great idea. That was also we're in a building that just got hit by lightning.

If you remember. So then all the rest of the zoo is just like run outside with metal poles. They're like, do us next. So yes. Like, seriously, there's a line. Just a tiny note here. So the movie that this guy is based on, this guy has claimed that he's done this multiple times and had to walk it back when he went to other countries because they were like,

oh, hey man, here in fucking Switzerland where you're visiting, you said you could raise the dead, right? And he's like, ah, have you seen my movie? And here in fucking Switzerland where you're visiting, you said you could raise the dead, right? And he's like, ah, I've seen my movie. It's only black people with lighting on November 17th. It's weird. It's like, I have a very limited ability. James Randy walks in.

All right. Turn, turn one page in this book, see what you can do it that before we get to resurrecting people. Yeah. I love, I wanted the Zulus to say to him, no, no, no, she was taking a nap. The lightning lady is over over here. You just, oh, oh, okay. I thought you guys were barbecuing.

Damn. Oh, no. I am not. Well, and then send me and comes up at that point and he's like, oh, she's back to life. I didn't have sex with her corpse. I didn't. She tells me that's total. It's a lie already sold her kid. No, no, we're good. I sold them to you. You're the one. That's your wife. That's fine. It's fine. I kept her. I love how he's like, Hey, I have some follow-up questions about you bringing someone back from the dead and he's like, No, go to go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. to give act three the hard sell. Will an incident in sight? Will the action rise? Did

Fritegg have some kind of parking lot that I'm not aware of? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the tuberous conclusion of faith like potatoes. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. And this week we're pleased to announce a brand new sponsor, Green Chef. What's Green sponsor, Green Chef. What's Green Chef? Green Chef is a USDA certified organic company that includes everything you need to easily cook delicious meals that you can feel good about. And the thing we love about Green Chef is it's easy to maintain a specialty diet and enjoy exciting new options every week. You'll plans include paleo, vegetarian, keto, gluten-free, omnivore, carnivore, and of

course, the one Eli is excited about vegan. That's right, Heath. And you know, usually when we promote a sponsor like Green Chef, we do a wacky sketch where Heath goes into a restaurant and can't get food. But this week, we do not have to do that. That's right, because we can tell you the 100% true stories of me trying to eat somewhere with all of us as a vegan. Like the time of waiter in Seattle told them he could get soy milk down the street, maybe.

Yes, because while green chef delivers pre-portioned ingredients, along with easy to follow step-by-step instructions right to your door, the waiter in Chicago who explained to Eli the only thing he could eat on the menu was bread. Did not. They sent us a sample box from Green Chef and the vegan fajitas and black bean patties were flavorful and easy to make. Plus, the recyclable packaging and pre-bagged ingredients made unpacking and cooking a breeze much easier than when we went to that barbecue place at ReasonCon and Eli ended up eating

a roll with mustard on it. I did. I did eat a roll. So if you're tired of duct-taping cliff bars to your wife like the Wolf of Wall Street whenever it's time to eat, Why not get $50 off your first box of green chef by going to green chef dot us slash awful green chef dot us slash awful. Awful like the vegan pasta they had for me at that steakhouse in Oklahoma, Sydney. It was very like disturbingly green. It was like a Martian from a 60s movie. Yeah, it was it was green looked like a 70s couch. Green chef eating well just got easier. From the makers of faith like potatoes. I'm slave owner and I'm grumpy.

Comes the tale of a man transformed by faith. I'm a slave owner who is no longer grumpy. When all hope was lost, his faith saw him through. I just know my slaves can pick all this cotton in time. This summer, Faith like cotton. That is essentially this movie. It is. Pretty much the same. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, he was literally raising

people from the dead. And we're going to rejoin him. He's rented out that hall to tell everybody about the time Jesus made it rain once. And we rejoin him at backstage getting ready for the you black people should love white god more event Get all psyched up for his time wasted time speech just like god punch god karate like it all Yeah, I get self up and his prayer is please let me speak to them simply I just wrote in my notes easy asked dude easy. Yeah, right just wrote in my notes. Easy asked dude, easy asked. Yeah, right. Yeah, but basically you're saying like,

okay, God don't embarrass me. Don't be a cuck about this. I spend a lot of money here. So he keeps checking the crowd and it's really big. They're really excited. So he goes out to give his speech, which is impossibly random and boring and convoluted.

He's like, this is what I wrote down as I was writing to my friend had marital and financial problems, but I told him to love God and guess what happened? No seriously, guess, because I'm done with that story. Now, now let me tell you about God burning down all my corn one time. Uh, I wanted, I wanted to get yelled at like a one hit wonder just like speeches boring boo resurrect another dead person. I was like no, no, I'm doing my new album. This is my solo track. Nobody cares. Play breakfast at Tiffany's. Come on. Every time. No, every time I'm raising corn now, do you do something the eponymous to? So yes, so he tells the story about three days after his corn was destroyed at stop being destroyed

because Jesus, I don't know where the fuck this story is coming from. Oh, and he wraps it up like a third graders book report. He's like, and if God can fix corn, he could fix you. You're simpler than corn. Corn. That's stupid. Right. But apparently the speech was supposed to be profound because the guy who was like working the camera, the film in his, his speech here decides to love Jesus afterwards, right?

Yes. Also, did he say this sentence, we had a bumper crop of semen. I'm pretty sure he said no, a crop of semen. I did not say that. He has a lot of kids, so he did have a bumper crop of semen. I don't know. If he said it, you could have possibly missed that. If you had a bumper crop of steam in a place. Yeah, the only way I can think of me missing that he does him not having said it.

So it's it's one of the other of those things. I'm going to. I'm on the side. If you own bumper crop of semen, Ben Carson's biopic. All right. So now we cut to 18 months later, because sure why the hell not? I hope you send it to me. All right. So now we cut to 18 months later because sure why the hell not and the radio is like, it's the worst drought ever in the history of ever.

If only we as a country love Jesus more. Also, white farmers still have it pretty rough. I'm the radio. And this is where he, he's about to leave and he gives the pep talk to Simian. Yeah, well, it's all of his workers. Yeah. It's like, okay, guys, I'm leaving. Do not eat my kids.

Okay. Seriously, look at me. I'm looking at Simian. I'm looking right at it. Don't let the other you people kill my wife and kids. Yeah. And the best thing happened. Simian gives him a big like nod and a thumbs up.

And everyone else is totally silent. They are absolutely, they did not agree to protect it. Yeah, right, right. They're all suspiciously quiet. Like what? Why? Okay, I'm still okay. I'm here.

You buy. Yeah, sir. We'll see how things go Like make it brunch plans with them all right, so I'll see you guys yeah, absolutely do you have Twitter? Follow me and then all the yeah, and then we get this completely useless scene of His wife is painting at night and simian is patrolling the moats. It's like a weird pseudo pop scare. It's like I think they stole one scene from the conjuring.

It's his black guy. Ah, that's the thing. That's the pop scare, right? Black character that we know. But it was also pretty funny just the like he shows up. And he's like, I'm going to be your security guard with my comically oversized honey stick. Actually, I actually laughed out loud like it was just so silly, the object he's holding.

It's a honey stick, right? Yeah. Well, the part that cracked me up is where the wife, there's a bird call in the background of the wife goes, was that a bird? I want to be like, no, it's a lion. Yeah, it's fucking bird. But instead it gets even dumber. He tells them all about the stupid bird that you can't eat or you'll turn stupid. Yeah, the person who wrote this movie ain't it.

So it's true. It's a very tale. It's, using that as an excuse, I guess. I just wrote, boy, is this scene necessary? Well, then it then he shows he doesn't just have the, the, the honey stick, right? He's, he's brought more larping weapons. It's got a large butter knife taped to a yardstick too. Yes.

That's so safe. You're safe. Which you responds to, but you are a card with your spear and your honey stick. I'm going to get back to my painting, which is now revealed to be an old black man. but you are a card with your spear and your running stick. I'm gonna get back to my painting, which is now revealed to be an old black man. Yeah, because she's not racist at all. She was just scared of a black man

that she's known for years for reasons. All right, so then I guess Angus is back from Scotland because they couldn't afford to do any filming in Scotland. So we get inputting on his guilt, right? And he's like, the tie, I think the tie is a little too much. I don't, I don't want to look stupid when I wear a guilt and talk about how my invisible friend got my corn up. Yeah. Yeah.

What's he doing here? He's, he's going gonna do some like Scottish improv for I guess I wrote a Zulu's on his farm. I wrote he's working on his tight 15. Apparently, yeah, it's gonna do my dance quintet, you know, my cycle. Backpipes. Yeah, so right because all of these people work for him.

So they have to show up to look at his vacation slides because it's the cruelest thing that he is a white flavor in South Africa. And the coolest thing he does in this movie is make everyone look at his vacation. Well, the message that he's sending is Scotland is so much better than your country. This one, it sucks compared to Scotland. He's telling people in Zulu that Scotland is the most beautiful place he's ever seen. And the people are the nicest. I wrote my nose.

Okay, that is the craziest thing he said. And he raised the dead person. Yeah. Show us another slide of the color gray. I will have 100 more. Scotland is beautiful, but you got to get past the gray. You got. Yeah, no, that's it. I hope you guys like some mint. If you like black and white movies, you'll love Scotland.

So, okay, so in then simian type. So I can white music. Simian goes, if Scotland's so great, why do you keep hanging out with us assholes? He's my favorite. At this point, he's literally licking his lips, getting ready for this amazing roast joke. He's about to turn. Yeah.

And he's like, all right, so question, get the fuck out. Will you, will you, are there, are there no black people to exploit in Scotland? And you just do that instead? Yeah, but his answer is basically, he basically gives you the first three stances of the white man's bird. And he's like, well, Kimpling once said, this little speech where he's like, well, Kimpling once said, oh, this, this little speech where he's like, I'm an African. My tribe is just a white. Traw, this is going to end with it's okay to be white.

This is a fucking nightmare. It literally ends with him saying, I know there are lots of problems between black and white people, but I hope you see an African brother when you see me. Yes. That's literally his goddamn line. He tries to do a handshake. A frugal white tribe of Africans. Yeah, we're pretty great.

You're welcome. That's what just happened. And then Simian's like, aren't, aren't you Scottish people basically like the blacks of England? Do you not understand what's happening right now? You know, no, we're the maxi, the Irish are the black people of England. We're like the Mexicans. I mean, it's weird because we're doing handshake with me. Do a handshake. You're both doing the raping. So, so yeah, And then he's with his wife later. And he's like, hey, you know, God was asking me some more questions when I was laying

in my corn because I'm such a sane person. And he thinks I should spend less time around you. God thinks I should fuck other women is. I am very brave. She goes, all right, well, are you a farmer or a preacher? And I'm like, wow, shitty options that you left. And there is a podcaster not open to kids. So and then he does the stupid. He's like, he points at the Southern cross and he's like, look there. When you see the Southern cross, you'll know I love you because I'm not going to love you during the day

or when it's cloudy. Yeah. Yeah. She's obviously pissed. She's like, all right, well, this is fucking stupid. Like I'll do some weird shit. If you don't do the dumb preaching tour thing and he's like, look at the stars. And then they have an awkward kiss. So you get to fill in that square on your big. They do. They kiss like your mad and one of you was leaving the house like, okay, cool. I'm going to go get that thing. You forgot. I'm going to go get that. Yep. I still love you. I am going to say, content the car a bunch, but I'm not saying it now. So I am a good husband. I am going to get far in the car too. Now I'm going to roll up the

window. I'm going to do that check on the windows. You said bitch. You said, the word bitch. No, I was in the car. I was calling the car a bitch. So meanwhile, at the all white polo club, everybody sure is upset about this drought, right? All El Nino's fault. Yeah. And he's like, okay, I have an idea. I think God wants me to get, you know, everyone together, you know, we've got all this violence and everyone's sort of all on their own. Nobody knows each other and there's hatred and divide. And I think we just need to get everyone together and talk to my invisible friend. Make me my religion. Yeah. Me at the center.

Yeah, right. Right. Of a stadium. All right. Yes. Right. Right. It's not enough to get down all. He wants Kings Park Stadium, the largest stadium in South. I think the largest stadium in Africa, right? It holds 52,000 people. He's going to get 52,000 farmers together to think about that. Well, not hope together. think about it. Well, not hope together. Yeah, right.

There you go. And I love this bit where they're like, the guy, he's trying to get the state of he's talking to the stadium, rapper, whatever, and the guy's like, you know, it costs millions of dollars to rent this stadium. I'm like, no, no, because this movie did it, right? Right? This movie used this stadium three times. There's no fucking way.

This movie had a stadium three times. There's no fucking way. There's movie at a seven-figure budget. It's so good. The movie has to just try to ignore the idea that like you would need to pay money for this. So the guy's like, oh, you want to rent the stadium? Cool. Do you have millions of dollars? And Angus is like, do you? And he's like, what? Just show me the field. And they cut straight to like, all right, I'm showing you the field. Can you answer the money thing? No, shh, we're looking at the field. We're looking at the field.

Weird moment, by the way, they walk out into Kings Park Stadium and Ruvuzelas are blasting. It's an empty stadium. Yes. Nobody in the stadium. Do they just like play that over the PA all the time? Maybe African people just think that's what stadium sound like, because they, I don't, I don't know. No, they're 52,000 people always outside of the stadium.

Also, the stadium owner almost breaks the movie. He's like, hey, it's really expensive to rent this place. Do you maybe just want to use that money to give it to the farmers who you're going to bring here who are starving and he's like, no. I want to state him. Edit. Edit. Thank you.

And at this point, the writers like, wow, how can we make this movie worse? Dead kid. Okay. Run a kid over where the track. So him and the fans are all like, hang out him and his brother and his brother kid, brothers kids, they're all hanging out playing some cricket. Yeah, they have one shot of cricket and there's an error on a very easy pop up. Yeah, yeah, fucking, fucking bad sports and check it off. And just in case I was wrong and they

were actually really good at polo cross. So yeah, they're talking about how the white people need to fix the South African government. And, and then his workers show up and they're like, Hey, one of the tractors is stuck. Let's go pull it out with the other tractor. But all the kids, the nephews and nieces all want to come along with them and ride on the tractor. Can I go indefinitely not get hurt on the tractor? Can I go fix the cotton gin with my nimble child arms? What the fuck did go wrong? Did he hold my helmet?

Yeah, right. Well, even before this happened and I knew what was going to happen in this movie, I'm like, wow, you think you would hold, like you would not just hold that little kid in one hand right next to the giant tractor wheel. And so surprise, surprise the kid falls and they run over him with a tractor. And they run over his head. Yeah. They do not.

It's weirdly gory because the like we spend a solid minute with this kids very clearly squished head and like use your God powers. He has God raising from the dead powers. He wasted his God raising from the dead powers on a black girl who God obviously wanted to die because he hit her with lightning. It would have been so great if the girl got struck by lightning now too. Just then. Oh, it would have been so great if the girl got struck by lightning now too, just in next to him.

Yeah. Angus gets all excited. And the girl just stays dead. He's like, all right, well, and with that's like one, I'm like one for three. That's like Hall of Fame number still. Yeah, right. Right. Right.

And now it's time for the hospital scene. And my favorite character from the movie could not give less of a fuck doctor. Yeah, so they rushed the kid to the hospital because they know in their hearts this God's stuff is nonsense. And they they they strap the kid down to a gurney, drag him down the hallway. One second later, the doctor just comes mostly and on now. He might as well be on the cell phone. Once that guy got to tell this guy

that this kitty brought in instead. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha you back. This is going to be one minute. This is going to be one minute. All right, your kid is dead. I'm very sorry if you're lost. Get the fuck out of here. Honestly, this movie is not worth watching. It's free. You can find it on YouTube, but it is worth it for how casually this doctor one strolls over when they first bring the kid and two is just like, yep, kids dead. Yeah. Everybody lunch. All right. So yeah. So we see everybody being sad and then we cut to the next day. Right. By showing us a sunset, like we're aware that time is happening in the movie without sunsets between every scene they keep doing that over and over.. They were like we didn't bring by that damn Solar filter for nothing motherfuckers. We're gonna use it

So we cut that mom's burn in the dead kids clothes. I have no idea Why she would do that, but she does and then you have a house full of orphans maybe keep the club I don't know right you could probably wash out the blood But then his daughter comes in and she's like, Dad, it wasn't your fault. We're like, no, no, no, we saw the scene. You weren't there, but it is 100% his fault. 100% your fault. Yeah. I mean, look, you loved your nephew not, not enough to hold on to him tight, but you know, so right. Yeah. And by the way, watching this actor try to cry was at least as hard as watching the kid with his head squished by the tractor.

Right? That wasn't just me. And then someone managed to work an atheist into this movie because the wife is walking down the street and a woman stops her and she's like, Hey, your husband can raise people from the dead. Why didn't he raise your nephew from the dead? And I wanted the wife to just be like, fuck, magic healing powers. I totally forgot to get out of the door. Oh, I feel like an idiot. I could have had a V8 and my husband could have raised the kid.

Uh, well, and they play that like like what a bitch that lady was, right? But the lady's not like the woman does not even in the movie go like, oh, I thought he was a magic healer. I can't handle the kid, but she's like, I could have sworn he said he could bring people back from the dead. Why didn't he do that? And then movie treats are like she's being a total bitch about it, right? Yes.

So, so the wife runs away and then goes to this restaurant where she's meeting the mother of the kid who just died. Right? Yeah. The mom, the actress who plays the mom makes a weird choice here. Her son just died tragically. She's like, oh, you know what, I'm gonna play this aloof.

I'm gonna go live with this. So Jill Angus is wife shows up and grieving mom is like, oh, hey, Jill, what's wrong? You look glum. And and Jill's like, your son died yesterday. Crushed to death. Does this ring a bell? to death. Does this ring a bell? Oh, yeah. I got it. And then the wager. I love this wager is the doctor's daughter in my head can and she walks over. She's like, Hey, guys, you want to hear the

specials? You're crying. Okay. So we have the tilapia. It's pretty good. I had it for lunch. We also got a steak tartar. We do that weekly. Pretty guys, please stop crying after finished reading this. This is my section. If good. Please stop crying after finishing reading this. This is my section.

If you cry, blah, blah, blah, dead kid, you need to name foods from our list and I'll bring them to you. I love the waitress so much. All right. So Angus is hanging out with the pastor of the farm. This is the scene where like the pastor is afraid that he's going to kill himself. He's like, hey, can I borrow your, your gun? This scene is amazing. scene where like the pastor is afraid that he's going to kill himself. He's like, Hey, can I borrow your gun?

This scene is amazing. Don't loan me your gun. Just for like a little while, it's no reason. Unrelated question. Do you own any roaper? I'm just curious, Matt, you're like, you know, farming stuff. Also, hey, loan me that really tall tower that's how many towers do you have? I'd like to borrow all your towers. Great. Yes. So, yeah, so the, the basher's like, you know, kind of hints around that he shouldn't kill himself. And then we cut to him still fucking with that stump. It's been years. It is a fair thing to say that the plot of this movie

is the story of a man's quest to remove a stump and the black people and gods that got in his way. And again, look, I've done this before. Taking out a stump is a big pain in the ass, but like, it's an afternoon. Right? It takes an afternoon to do it, even if you're all by your load some. And then okay, now it's time for the dream that the nephew's dad has. Okay, first of all, this is shot like a laundry detergent add in the seven.

He runs into the dad's arms and the dad's like, look at your head. All not squished. Yeah. But that was dad's dream. Dad wakes up. The the little kid who got crushed the dad wakes up and he's like, hey, he calls Angus, right? He's like, Hey, I saw my son while I was asleep. And Angus is like, you've never, do you not know about dreams? Are you not, is this new to you seeing things happen? When you're, no, it was totally legit. Your kid must be an avid, huh? He's an avid.

Yeah, dad's like, I asked the kid if he wants to not be dead and face crushed anymore. And he's like, no, I'll wait up here for you. I'll just wait up here. You're tick tock. Yeah. I'm your friends are going off to do something stupid. And you're like, ah, I'm good. You guys, you guys go tell me that they say being a white farmer and South Africa's hard to travel the world. Tell me how I went. They'll give you one phone call. Yeah. And now because of that phone call, Angus forgives himself for killing that kid with that

tractor. So back to stump chopping support. Thanks. God is pre-sweet. How you handled that whole situation? Perfect. Yeah. Wrapped it up very quickly in this film.

So yeah. So he's back to his stump chopping and then all of his Zulu workers show up and they're like, all right, we've been fucking him with with him for this thing for like three years. You want to show him how to pull a stop? Yeah. And they say it like, you know, the Zulu guys have this ancient wisdom called pull it out with a chain and a truck. That's how you do it. Yeah, exactly. What did he think he was just gonna whack it until it got afraid and squirted back into the ground like a fucking whack-a-mole?

Roots up. Wait, man, I can't stump. I think it could be. Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha white farmer under there. Just like, shit. Shit. This is why we were not hit up. I forgot. Yeah. I wanted him to be like, I loosened the lid for you guys though. I was already loose. Also, I just want to talk about stadium guys. So you call stadium guys, stadium guys like, oh, you got the stadium, right? But they include this amazing detail where the stadium guy is like, am I gosh, crazy, I lost your number and I forgot your name.

Are you a Facebook? Yeah, no, he's got this incredibly long series of, no, no, I meant to call you, excuse like me talking to my dad, right? Like, oh, yeah, no, this is your new number that you got in 2011, right? I don't know. It's new to... Fish. So, yeah, but good news. He's got the stadium.

No worries about price and whatnot. You got the stadium for some amount of money. We'll figure out meaningless details like price, some other guys might be going to stadium. Yeah. 2000 people. So we get a quick montage of like him and Simian going around and telling all of South Africa that they should come to the stadium, right?

And then we cut to the stadium and they want us to think that he filled the stadium, but they couldn't even fill the stadium for the movie. Nope. They've got like one section filled and they keep like, they're showing us him so we can see behind them. We can see that almost all the seats are unavailable And it's like yeah, I could have done this and fucking town hall damn. It's like the Sun visor in your car is down over the camera So there's like a And I just were even even with the one section. I was like imagine what would happen if they got all these people together and like, I don't know, Doug Wells or something.

Yeah. What is? Except watching him. I mean, imagine the ego to rent a stadium so that you could give a speech that no one wants to come to. Yeah. And get your like middle aged bagpipe scab band back to. Yeah. And get your like middle-aged bagpipe scaband back to get. Yeah, right.

Right. Yeah, it's musical accompaniment. And I love this speech. If this is supposed to be the climactic speech in the fucking movie, it starts with to hack with El Nino. He he. Which means like fuck the child. Yes, right.

Of God, fuck the child. Right, and we should point out that like El Nino is named after Jesus, right? Because it tends to come around Christmas. That's what the baby boy that they're talking about. Now, Nino is Jesus. So he starts out as Christian prayer thing by saying to hack with Jesus. And then they so he's given us like like you know, they can take our Lies but they'll never take our freedom speech, but it ends on and we're gonna plant potatoes right like everybody's like He's like we're gonna all come together and he's like yeah, he's like we're gonna set aside our differences and like yeah He's like we're gonna plant potatoes and they're like why would you why would that be in the in the like that's a weird closer

Also, I wanted to he goes deliver us from violence and murders and then it literally cuts to the only black people in the audience. Yeah. Like violence and murder. That's an afterthought, right? He's like, it also got stopped all the murder stuff. But mostly this is a potato. Potato. Boo, play take on me. Boo. Well, it also, by the way, he's doing rock star singing face through this entire thing, right? So sometime later, the pastor is trying to talk him down from this crazy potato idea.

Again, this pastor character is my favorite. He's like, again, it is literally my job to con people into believing in God, but you know, maybe you don't Like roll of dice and say that God is going to give you box cars. Yeah, that is not We're going to God specifically speak to you about this idea of planting potatoes in dust that never works. And I guess it's like, well, God, God said I should trust him. And everybody's like, well, that's, that's pretty vague, man. We're doing potatoes in dust, duh. Yeah.

Well, also the bastard's line here, he goes, you know, there's a very fine line between faith and foolishness is, is between the right way. I've seen a venn diagram. But here, that's the thing though, that's correct, right? Or like there's overlap. But I mean, that doesn't happen with our stuff. There's not a fine line between reason and foolishness or science and foolishness, right? Like, how does that

not tell you you're doing the thing that's wrong? Yeah. And again, his response is, look, the scientists are saying it won't rain, but my buddy God is in on it. May I heard of him? I live in New York. It's in New York. Well, everywhere except New York. Yeah. Yeah. But and then Harry calls him. Uh, Harry's worried about his potatoes. Who's Harry? We've never met Harry in this movie. It's a call from somebody who is like, uh, assuming you were having a conversation about this, I would like to be involved. Is that, I mean, is there any, is there any, where you having a conversation about potatoes just now? If you were, I'd like to vote no. Is that I mean, is there any where you have a conversation about potatoes just now? If you were, I'd like to vote no.

No. The potatoes. Yeah. No one believes in his potatoes is literally the plot of this movie and it doesn't kick in until the last 15 minutes of the film. Also like, I mean, we're praying for stuff. Maybe pray for like a down payment on the rain first. Yeah.

Quick little shower proof of concept on the plane. Right. Yeah. No, but okay. So the guy says, it would be impossible to grow potatoes. And he's like, well, if it wasn't impossible, it wouldn't be a miracle. When I'm like, potatoes growing is not a fucking miracle. Like I've had potatoes before. a fucking miracle like I've had potatoes before. They grow all the fucking time. Anyway, my notes here from here on were basically, man, I hope this movie has long credits. No, no, it doesn't. No, it's almost all stupid fucking movie. So they planned the potatoes and then we cut to four months later. We watched the potatoes grow. But yeah, they were going to go as like 120 sunsets and then we can go. Yeah, right, right.

And this is where he's got to give the whole, uh, he's talking to the, the, the pastor and he's like, potatoes are like faith, Reverend. It's in the, it's in the title. I, you read the script. That was on the front. So they're in the ground like, nope. Yeah. So this is where we get that

terrible analogy that that Heath was talking about, right? Like you have to have faith in potatoes because you can't see them growing until they're done. Except the difference is is that eventually you get to dig up the potatoes and find out if you were right. And sometimes you're wrong. Right. Or you can dig up just one potato. Yeah. He's right. It's exactly. We can just see what happened. We'll dig up this little part. No, no, that fox up the finale. There's a big reveal. The finale is potatoes to be clear. Yes. This motion picture is banking on a big potato finale. So the next day, they gathered together to harvest the potatoes, but will there be any potatoes? That's the dramatic tension.

That's the closest this movie ever gets. G are their potatoes under there. So him and Simeon pray for the potatoes. And I love this little heart to heart. He's like, Hey, Simeon, just want you to know I love you. Please do not rise up when my problem. Because that's actually the reason for a lot of

pharmatex is why people come use free labor and then lie about how their crop school and part of the prayer was thanks God for giving us this land. A part of it is tricky. And you could see in Simeon's eyes just like taking away from the zealous, taking away the zealous. Yeah, but then Simeon come giddly digs up a potato. There's a potato here. Everybody's happy. This is the actual dramatic

Finale of the film he digs up a potato and Everyone from the movie shows up to see these potatoes Let's like the end of fucking big fish fucking big fish. Yes, the lie the actual line that the character says here is potatoes big potatoes from God. You should have known your script was shit right then. Like if you ever write those words, throw the thing away that you're working on. I almost had to throw away my computer when I wrote that in my notes. Uh, Jesus. Yes, but hundreds of people have come from all over the nation to see us. God damn potatoes.

And then he has the, the, he's talking to one of the fireman and he's going to smell my potatoes. Oh my God. He tosses the kid a potato goes, you feel this potato? And I just wanted to be like like that's your pay for this And he's trying to he's like your faith needs to be real you need to be able to feel it and smell it Wait, is that the end? Yeah Your faith should be potato like potatoes starchy. Sorry that got away from you really Really quick Jesus is you're being

weird, honky. Gonna smell it. Want to smell it? We're gonna murder you next week in a coup. It's fine. Yes. Enjoy the smell of those potatoes for a week. And then we see real video of this family in case we thought they were bullshit about white people existing in South Africa. Okay. When they showed that shot of a kid who got run over by a tractor, you got to admit that kid had a squishable head. Yeah. Right.

No, the fucking movie is dedicated to little Timmy speed bump. And also I feel like he should have been the fertilizer that fixed the potatoes. Oh, God's plan. There's a whole thing. No, you're right. And they would tie it all together. Yeah. All right. So, so this is a weird question to have at given how moralistic this movie is, but I have no idea what the fucking moral was. Any, any clues, any thoughts? It's not about how racist you start. It's about how Christian yet.

Okay, moral history. Faith is like the potatoes grown by a white farmer who takes land from Zulu's in South Africa and exploits their workforce and also kills a child. I'm a side. It's the start job. More or less right. Well, that does it for a review of faith like potatoes. That's not going to do it for these episodes just yet though, because we still need a gaze into that crystal ball. Eli, tell us what's on deck.

We're going to be watching the pilot of a little TV gem. We've been waiting for God. Oh God. Friended me. Oh, that was bound to happen eventually. It's it's free on Twitter now. And the premiere is the 30th of September. So you'll get the episode just a time to watch along if you want to. It's on CBS.com also. Fun. No, I'm gonna. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 162 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make

the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an out free version of every episode. You can also help us. Don't believe in us. Five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoy this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the scaling of the Ascitation data and the skeptic rat available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcast live the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, Bosnick, I'm No Illusions Promise to Work Hard to Earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club closed.

Angus ran for president and made South Africa great again. South Africa lived happily ever after. The person this movie was based on was banned from Scotland for saying gay people were diseased and could be cute. Yes, that's true. That's true. Yep. It is all that.

It's all about the first story. Yeah. What's green chef? Green chef is a unit. Give it out of the way early, man. You just thought about it. Just thought you knew it was coming. I made sure that was your line. Yeah, I saw that. I re-designed this entire thing so you would have to say it. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2018. All rights reserved.