God Awful Movies - 164: The Devil's Advocate

Episode Date: October 9, 2018

This week, Andrew Torrez joins us for an atheist review of "The Devil's Advocate"; the story of Al Pacino watching Keanu Reaves try to act. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

He confesses to listening in a glory hole in the men's room into the jury deliberation room and and that's monstrous, right? Like I mean, I know what they're introsanol, but like you you don't even confess that to the devil. If that's what you're doing as a woman, like you take that into the grave. Oh my God. Literally, I mean literally blowing the jury would be less unethical than like listening to them deliberate through that hole, right? Yeah, I bet I mean, don't take legal advice

for this podcast or anything, but yes, absolutely. That's what I'm doing. God awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

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movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. And right, Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. Now, you obviously know who's a good actor today. It's Al Pacino. Yes, yes.

But do you know where Al Pacino is especially good? Where is now everywhere? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh yeah, and we're going to prove that today. Now you guys unable to join us this week, because frankly, he didn't try very hard, but joining us into his stead is the host of the opening arguments podcast and friend of the family. Andrew Torres, Andrew, welcome back. No, thank you so much for having me. Although, you know, it's no alpichino, but, but thanks for having me. Well, but, you know what, my guess is that you don't do a worst Cuban accent, right?

Like am I right? It would. Oh, tough. All right. Oh, we're going to get to accents. Yes. We're going to spend the little time there. All right.

So tell us, Heath, what the hell is Al Pacino doing on this show? Well, we watched the Devil's Advocate, very excited. It's the story of just how fucking amazing of an actor Al Pacino is. Right. Because the other main character is played by Keanu Reeves, just pouring sweat the whole time trying to act as hard as a man and like physically injuring himself, but the movie's still amazing.

I fucking love this movie. Like, Pacino might as well be giving Keanu Reeves a literal piggyback ride carrying him through every scene physically. Just like yelling at him like an old school dad, you know, what? Speak up. You want to act yourself now. Okay. Okay. What passed me right now? Try to walk past me. Risk control. But you kung fu, you don't know kung fu. On Kiano Reeves back, you should have the writer and on the writers back, you should have the direct, yeah, right, right.

Now, this was just, this was two out and a half hours of proving that Al Pacino could just be reading a fucking menu, right? All right. So, that, right? That'd be amazing. Angrily, angrily, but yeah. So, Andrew, how bad was this movie? Well, if you liked Scarface, but if you thought, hey, I kind of want to hear Ted, theater,

Logan do his best planche Dubois impression at the same time, then you will love this movie. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. No, okay, we're going to get, we're going to get into that here in just a second, but I want to throw out a theory I have about this movie because, all right, so this came out like three or four years after the firm came out and all the ads for the firm made it seem like it had this movie's plot, right? It made you think that the firm was run by Satan or something like that, but then you

went, actually went there and you're like, Oh, it's the mob. That's disappointing. So I feel like this movie came from a producer realizing that that's what people wanted. And it was just like, all right, put together a script, but you know, don't waste all night on it or anything. All this movie was missing is Wilfred Bremley. And it would have been. I would pay every amount of money. I mean, you know, uh, uh, Patryon goal, like to watch Keanu Reeves beat the shit out of Wilford Brimley. Oh my God. That would be my every time. Just a complete recreation of neo fighting Morpheus with Wilford Brimley. Oh, yeah. All right. So I'm going to switch it up. I want to do the first best worse here because we haven't, we sort of hinted around about it already, but this

is the best worst supporting cast, right? It very literally because if everybody in this movie was Keanu Reeves level, this movie would make sense, right? This movie would be John Wick, but with lawyering instead of guns. But instead the supporting cast has 10 Oscar nominations and two wins. That makes this really hard to explain, right? Absolutely. Any other best worst? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst. We already started to mention this best worst Southern accent. So I mean, other than me trying to do Pacino just now, it's the worst accent that's never been harder. Keanu Reeves tries to do a Southern accent, but it's like the accents, a power move in a video game.

It has to charge back up each time, like it runs out. He'll start a sentence. And then like the juice goes down like after five words. Right. It's like a redneck robot being powered down against it's will. And then like, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Oh my. Yeah, let's, let's put it this way.

I do a more believable Eli doing Melania Trump than Keanu Reeves. Southern Florida accent here. Well, and the fucked up thing about it is that like the only reason that we're not talking about how bad Charlize Theron did with the Southern accent is because Keanu Reeves was also trying to do it, right? Like this also has the second best worst. Yeah, I just want to be on record that that's not the only reason that I have not noticed Charlize Theron's accent in this movie.

But all right, any best words from you, Andrew? Yeah, this is, this movie has legitimately the actual best line in any movie ever. I suspect you know what it is. We're going to get there. Wait, I do not know which is there's too many choices. I know. Oh, yeah, but there's one that is head and shoulders above every other line in this movie hint. It's a it's a it's a ranking, but we'll get there. Bob a rating scale from one to 10. Yeah.

We will get there is. All right. Well, if there is one place, this movie excels, it's in the run time. So we're going to take a break, but we're going to keep it brief. When we come back, we'll dive into all the gratuitous boobs and nonsense that are the devil's advocates. Hey, Andrew, while you're here, I figure maybe we can bounce a legal question off of you against my better judgment. Sure. Okay. I mean, Eli's not here. So let's say hypothetically that Noah and I were joking around on the show a couple of weeks ago, about when you should and shouldn't do CPR on a dying person. And then hypothetically, let's say that we got those details wrong and a medical professional

wrote in and said, holy shit, please don't say wrong stuff about CPR anymore. Yeah. Does this have anything to do with why you guys have told me over and over again that the faith like potatoes episode is still in quarantine? No, no hypothetical. We said hypothetically just we're just doing a lot of experiment here. Okay. Okay. All right. So, um, look, I cannot imagine that any of our listeners, no matter how casual, could possibly mistake offhand jokes for medical advice, but just to be on the safe side. Again, hypothetically, I would edit out that part of the show for archive listeners. I would clarify on the next recording that you guys are not medical professionals and

that nobody should take medical advice from a podcast. Cool. Okay. Yeah. Theoretically, that probably would be the best. Okay. Or, or, we talked about this, man. Okay.

But I haven't talked about it with Andrew. Okay. So here's the thing. Don't tell Elias said this, but that whole wild card thing doesn't catch it on like I wanted it to. So I was thinking maybe my new thing instead of the wild card thing. Oh, do you, I mean, can we try wild card one more time? I think we guys, okay, no, no, don't forget it. So my new thing could be telling people how to do CPR incorrectly.

Like that'd be my thing. Yeah. Yeah. So I understand. CBR, but I look, I really don't think it's a good idea to use dispensing bad medical advice as a character effect, I mean, like you'd have to be super explicit and had TV. But like, I could tell him the butt isn't off in CPR. I think it's maybe better if we just start with that.

But CPR, like an ass and CPR together involved. All right, well, no, that is pretty damn funny though. Right. Exactly. I did, it's working for Gwyneth Paltrow, I guess. Wild card. And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to start off at Roy Moore's confirmation hearing, I guess.

Yeah, this is pretty depressing. We get a cold open on a child who got sexually abused and she's being embarrassed in cross examination by lawyer. It's a weird pick. Like Lindsey Graham might as well be yelling at this girl. It's not pleasant. Yeah. And we need a lot of details of this little girl getting raped at the opening. Don't we have to open with like four minutes of that.

So this is a this is a core. Keanu is the, is the lawyer for the accused pedophile, right? Yeah. Yeah. I have the accused pedophile as knockoff rob cordry. Okay. Yeah, I see that. And, and, and while the victim is testifying, he starts sweating profusely from his palms.

And, and they're trying to play this like, you know, he's giving away that he's the pedophile because, you know, he's, he's fidgeting around and, you know, very clearly masturbating under the table. But at the same time, Keanu Reeves is also tapping his shoe nervously. So I am, I'm a hundred percent. The first time I saw this, I thought they were both pedophiles, right? Like I thought that was going to be his character for I was really, really weird. Oh, Keanu is not a good actor. I think that'll be a running theme today.

And this is one of those moments, just right away, I guess he was like trying to like improv along with moments just right away, I guess he was like trying to like improv along with that actor. Like, oh, he's fidgeting. I'm going to play along with that. It's so weird. And at one point, yeah, the pedophile teacher is the defendant here. And he's doing this creepy like he's like rubbing the table under the table in like the same way that he would have been creepily rubbing this girl who's on the stand. It's disgusting.

And him and Keanu lock eyes while this is happening. The pedophiles giving himself the over the pants he joined at the table, like Andrew said. And Keanu is supposed to be, you know, disgusted probably is what it says in the script. But he's such a bad fucking actor that his face wasn't even negative at first. No, it was just like so a Dutch rudder. No, okay. Sorry. Right. That's wrong recognition. It would be a step up from where he was. Yeah. And also I just want to point out that like right away this movie implies that just because this

guy's jerking off in court means he's guilty of the thing he's being charged for. Like if that was true, Eli would be guilty of everything he's ever gone to court for. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. This scene hit way too close to home for the past two years. He didn't have to open the jar of homemade sneezes. You're right. Yeah. How else were we going to get the sound though, Andrew? He would have smiled at them. I'm quite certain though if he did have to open them. He wouldn't know what to do. So I'll smile. All right. So Kiyato storms out of the courtroom. He needs a recess. He storms out of the courtroom with his client following behind him and immediately

as soon as the doors to the courtroom close, he starts yelling about how guilty his client is. Yeah, it's so weird. He walks through the crowded halls of this court building, having like a messy couples fight with his defendant with his client, the defendant. Like, I can't fucking believe it. Are you guilty? Are you serious? You had a calendar that said not raping any students. What the fuck man? You can't do that, right? Like you're just barred for just like shouting out your guilty, right? For shouting in open court quote, as your attorney, I am advising you to keep the fuck away

from me. Yes. Yes. I don't think you did my expertise. So that's the real line, by the way. That's a great line. No, that is the line. So yeah, so so Kiano pushes him away and he runs off to the bathroom where this journalist

catches up with him, right? And this is where we learn that Kiano Reeves is the 72 dolphins of loyering. He's undefeated. I just don't understand why every lawyer movie thinks that there's some kind of like fantasy lawyer league or like, you know, one loss record. It's like, you know, and this guy is like, well, Keanu Reeves is 11 and oh, but but you know, that Yankees are up next and they're starting a great with him. It's crazy. But Tom Cruise and a few good men was undefeated and even get to trial.

He was bargaining him down every time. Yeah. So, and by the way, this is a pivotal moment in the film, right? When he interacts with this journalist because right afterwards, he has the satanic inspiration of how he's gonna win this pedophile case. Yeah, you mean when he looks into the mirror and does that weird fucking tooth smile? Is that?

I'm like, what? I felt like a delayed reaction from a different scene that he had just shot out of order because he's fucking stupid and did like, there's nothing more fun than watching Keanu's face in this movie. That is the highlight of the movie. It's like his acting has a bad Skype connection and his acting is buffering and then he'll do like five emotions in a row super fast. Exactly.

There is no relationship between his facial expression of the character's emotion of this film. It's amazing. And again, this is just and this is just highlighted by the fact that he's always across for Charlize there in our al Pacino when he's doing that, right? All right. So so we cut back to cross examination and we learn immediately why the Republicans on the judiciary had a higher lady to ask their questions right. So immediately, he always goes out in there and just

starts abusing this teenage girl that just talked about her being molested by her teacher. So she's talking about what a naughty, naughty girl she was. And the key evidence here that he's got surprise evidence, that's the best kind of evidence. That's how it works though. That's a real thing. Everybody gets one. You get one. Surprise.

And you got to come in third or better on all the races in the circuit. And then you get it. And can I point out that this piece of surprise evidence is defense exhibit a right? This is the time. We have to be a defense exhibit 237 right? Like, but no, the other is that's a. Oh my God. Yeah, and a surprise evidence is a note that she was passing where she called her

pedophile teacher and name, right? Like, and I'm just like, is Lindsey Graham on the jury? Who's going to be convinced by this? Yeah. This is like one of those classic cross examination bits that only work because the script demands it. Right. Like, right. Demolishing a 14 year old rape victim on the stand with what you wrote in your journal

is impeached. Well, I mean, I mean, I'm not gonna say. Oh, man. Fuck Lindsey Graham so much. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, we're out of delay. So evil. The recording world. He dazed away from Lindsey Graham's evilness. Somebody, I can't remember who, but somebody on Twitter said his voice sounds like a white's only drinking fountain. I believe that. I feel like well anyway. So okay. So it was like it was like that scene from fucking Django with the skull, but it was a fuck. Oh, shit. Like I said, we're recording out of order, guys.

We're going to be in England. So the way this is very fresh for us still. Okay. So yeah, so it can't have reused proves that little girl's a slut case closed, right? And actually, that's probably is just 97. And that actually is how a lot of these went. And the key though is that he won the lawyer. Yeah.

And the and the greatest undefeated, you know, lawyer of all time wins the lawyer by asking of an obvious hearsay question. I mean, I don't want to get too much into taking the law in this movie seriously, but yeah, we know that Keanu is speaking his nails on a blackboard in terms of legal, legal propriety of questions in court. Did you not enjoy his crowd work, though? He was like, that was fun while he was cross examining the abuse victim while you're old.

Yeah, I will tell you, you know, the key to loyalty and it's 50% mirror acting and 50% working the crowds. So, right. Yeah. A couple's here. Ah, classic women are stupid, right? Right. I'm likeable.

I win. Yep. That's how it works. So, all right. So, Keanu and Charlize Theron head to a bar to celebrate. I, my note to open this scene was just drunken hillbilly sounds, right? So they're trying to drink away the memories, though, you know, the way that lawyers have to when they're done loyering for the day. That that's true. But honestly, well, look, if there is one

single message to this movie is that lawyers are evil, right? I'll also true, but keep it. Yeah, it's about right. All right. So now this is where the recruiter stops him, right? The big leagues guy. Okay, but real quick, before that happens, he has to go pee and he says it so silly. He's dancing with Charlize Theron and he's like,

I gotta go piss. Like, like a fucking five year old. This is 100% Keanu actually having to pee during the scene and he's five and he's like, I pee now number one. I got number one. Just roll over me a juice box while I'm gone. See, I interpreted that slightly differently because Charlize Theron bends over a lot in this scene and in this movie.

And I was like, oh, I get it. Keanu Reeves needs to leave the room for five and a half minutes. That makes total sense. It's a shame though, because they have Charlize there and eventually you get to see that she can act with like the director has no idea what to do with her, except jiggle and bend over for the first 45 minutes of this movie, right? Mm. That's not a terrible idea, but she's so talented that is that he's actually a waste. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, but then

then he's he's going to take his piss and a black guy stops him. Now I have to mention that he's black or you won't get all the funny jokes about him being black, but a black guy stops him and says, Hey, we want you to come to New York and be like a real lawyer in the big leagues. That's that's how. Andrew the son, this other black guy. Yeah. Yeah. It works exactly like the advance scout for the Yankees, right? Like they're like, we're about to call you up to the big. This is your chance, kid. Yeah. Now that's, that's how I, that's how I wind up in DC. Oh, there you go. Past over for New York, but, you know, I was able to start in the second division. So he, well, right, right. So that's, that's like purgatory. That's good though.

That's still good. Right. But Keanu thinks it's a trick because of the black part. He says, okay, you'd be in black. That was a nice touch. You almost had me. That's the actual line. That's the actual, how was that a nice touch? He's talking like it's a prank. Like, is he saying that like a black lawyer was like a really good double bluff like really a black lawyer. Okay, Mr. Black lawyer, Mr. Wade Box. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. A black lawyer does sound something like New York would come up with. I said shave those sideburns. All right.

So he decides he's going to go to New York, but then we have to cut away to a church so that we can get away with reviewing the movie with boobs in it. And this is where we meet Keanu's mom, right? She's the Christian Hill, Billy, trailer trash, Trump voter type. Yeah, no, she's, she's Bobby Boucher's mom. I mean, this is Fuzba, who's up the devil right here. Yeah, we learn that mom doesn't like Charlize Theron because she's working on Sunday and say, Tamiq and whatnot, right?

Also mom does not like Jewish people. We learn, I'm pretty sure. Yeah. Because it gives this whole weird speech about New York being terrible. And like, there's no way they didn't have to cut out some anti-Semitic stuff from that. Like, there's no way that for it. Like, mom's like, let me tell you about New York full of Jews. They're like, they're like black lawyers, but craftier. Like, okay, cut, cut. What did we just say? No, no, it's good. I'm saying they're craft. That's good. That was anti black. If anything, you didn't say you said don't do anti Jewish stuff. You didn't say, okay, well, now I'm

saying anti black or is it? Yeah, it really, it really feels like there was a, like, you know, Jews to demons, ADR going on in her speech, but, um, but yeah. Okay. So they tell mom that they're going to go to New York. She gives a fairly accurate description of New York, but she, like, she doesn't such a way to make fallen Babylon of sin and filled with demons, something like a bad thing. So it still feels like bullshit. And then they, and then they leave. They had to New York. So they brought Kiano there to pick a jury and we have to learn here that he's so good at picking a jury that he's even able to temporarily not be racist and his assessment

of jurors, right? That's how they show that he's great at picking jurors. I, I, I, and a jury of New Yorkers, right? Like so, give me one thing. Who do I want to bring in as an expert on the persona of New Yorkers? I think it's Kentucky fried lawyer here. Like, what I love about this seat is one of the lawyer, we only ever see him do the cameo right here, but it's Arnold T pants, the lawyer from Fletch, who, third of you know, he's my team name in every fantasy football league I ever do. He's got this line to Keanu where he says, Hey, we're not squeezing oranges here. I love that. He's from Florida. Yeah. Right. So Keanu is like, you know, I don't, I'm not racist. So keep the black guy.

And I can see it through this little lady act from this bitch, right? Right. Yeah. He gets weirdly specific too. He's like, look at her. She's damaged. Look how she tied her scarf slightly as skew. I believe I'll pass. And like all of a sudden, he's Hannibal Lecter just profiling her life. Yeah. Look at her butterfly necklace. The significance of the butterfly is change. Canopeles, Christmas or pupash. She was assaulted by a left handed Croatian man. She wants revenge, pass on like so specific. And nobody questions it every time. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Everything you said makes sense. I noticed how a skew that curfew pass on out like somebody should have circled back to that at least. Just like, okay, okay, well, I was fucking weirdly confident. We'll pass on six. But like, let's come back to the knowing about the details

of rape scarves. Got that they just hired for our law firm. Maybe maybe we take a week for the FBI to look into that or something before we hire you all the way. That's it now. All right. So now he's got to go to work to meet Mr. Milton. Clever subtle. That's really subtle. We're pregnant. So.

There it is. Yeah. So. So he goes to this law firm, which, okay, from the way the view is presented here, is this building in the river? Yeah, this is shot in Trump tower actually. Oh, was it really? Really?

But the view would suggest that Trump tower, just when it feels like it, it just hovers in the middle of the East River. Like it slide right out there for the view. Certainly seem to have a 360 degree Riverside view. This is also where we meet the hot red-headed girl whose name has an accent even when the rest of her doesn't. Oh, she's the Connie Neelson. She's the bizzaro Charlize in this movie.

Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I did. This is this is perhaps the least believable part of the man. Like, okay, look, I love redheads and all, but like they're like, well, obviously he would want to cheat on a 20 year old Charlie's Thera.

I'm like, okay, sure. Yeah. I just lost. Right. Okay. Also, is this how lawyers dress in your experience, Andrew? Like high powered Manhattan lawyer. She's going to be wearing like a pornographic red pants suit, like a Hillary Clinton themed

stripper. Is that standard? I'm not saying I didn't like it. I'm just asking when you're being escorted through the firms mausoleum or wherever they are at this point. I don't know if you appropriate outfit is for that. Yeah. Business stripper casual. That's okay. So okay. So he gets to Al Pacino's office, Satan has an automatic door. That's not the only way that he's like the pigly wiggly. But yeah, so that this is the exposition

bit, right? So Al Pacino's saying, like, yeah, tell me about yourself in, you know, 40 words or less. We got, we got boobs to get to here. But, um, and it's where he tells him that he was a prosecutor and he was undefeated as a prosecutor. Then he became a defense attorney and he's still undefeated because that's how lawyers are measured in loss ratio. And I just love this is just one of many, many moments when we get to watch Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves acting in the same frame. It's maybe literally the best and worst actor in all of movies during the like that. Or close to it.

And it's so great to, it's like, Asa Akira trying to do porn with me. Just like, but she, but she knows trying so hard to help him out too, but she's like, all clumsy and sweaty and Pichino's work in the character and chew in the scenery and like looking over at Keanu every so often making eye contact with Keanu's terrified. Every time they go from, from Pichino's face to Keanu's face, it's like, Oh, now now, right now. So, okay, sorry, sorry,

sorry, just keep rolling. Keep rolling. I will act starting now. And that that point comparison is is apt and more ways than one, because there is a good solid 15 seconds where Pachino Mimes giving Keanu a blow job. I'm not the only one who saw that, right? Like he does. Yeah, I was, yeah, I, I, I understand chewing the scenery, but I had no idea it was going on there. I, yeah, okay. So what the reason we're able to survive through this scene is because we were weaned on to it by watching him act across from Charlize there on earlier. And so that's the only way we were able to even take this.

But this is the whole scene where he like, you know, they offer him the job and he basically makes the deal with the devil, right? Yeah. Yeah. And and and let's just be 100% clear here. What Keanu confesses to right? He confesses to listening in a glory hole in the men's room into the jury box, right? Into the jury deliberation room. And and that's monstrous, right? Like I mean, I know we're making a personal, but like, you, you don't even confess that to the devil. If that's what you're doing as a lawyer, like you take that with your grade.

Oh my God. Literally, I mean, literally blowing the jury would be less unethical than like listening to them to liberate through that hole, right? Yeah. I mean, don't take legal advice from this podcast or anything, but yes, absolutely. That's right. All right. So then we cut to what I can only describe as the lawyer version of the Monday night football rosters, right, where each of the lawyers

is introducing themselves one at a time. Just throwing a football bag and forth between their hands and their position. They're all different races too for some reason. It's just, it's like a brochure for super villain law school. Like brochure for Yale law school. Yeah. Yeah. I love the idea that this is, that this is the MNF intro because I'm going to start giving my legal credentials as being ball so hard universities.

Yeah. So yeah. So we meet all of the other lawyers, the only one that will matter is hot red-headed lady. Not true. Principal Rooney will also matter. Oh, no, that's right. Super duper matter.

Jeffrey Jones is in it. Yeah. He's fully recovered from the Howard the Duck incident. Um, by which I mean the film Howard the Duck. The film. Yes. And this is also where they put him on the Moias case. He's got a, he's got a defend Del Roy Lindo for slitting a goat's throat. Can't do that.

Oh, yeah. Inside city lines city of high a la right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he's, he's not, he's not technically a New York approved lawyer yet, which means I believe he would need to work pro, hawk, V-chay. Is that correct? Is indeed correct. Use of the curve. Oh, proud of themselves.

Oh, proud of themselves. He might as well look at Andrew and bring him on to the Andrew come in. Come in. Come in. The friend Andrew. Pro-hoc feature, right? Right. Andrew says yes. Yeah. I say yes.

I've written this down on my palm and I'm going to call you. I wrote it phonetically, of course. All right, and then we have to cut back to Charlize, not being able to handle having money. She's trying to pick out fabric, but it's just to 18th century Italian silk for her. And then, but then fucking, Keanu shows up and buys it like a boss, right? He's good at buying 18 cents. He's out in silk. Yeah. Yeah. He comes in and his line is, we'll take it at 1400, you know, like he's just crossed over from, you know, a stockbroker movie from the 80s. Like, right. The thing you want from your lawyer is to come immediately into a situation you know nothing about. That's how you know you're dealing with the greatest of all time here.

Oh, it's the best he lawyers the shit out of that fabric deal. Just runs in there. In a cut steel, 1400. All right, relax. Like, I mean, I've seen Andrew do this. Do you remember when to the rib place in Asheville, Andrew runs in there. It's like 10 but 10 at 10. We'll take you.

They're like 10 racks, 10 sides, $10. But that's crazy. Andrew's like, oh, well, you didn't let me finish 10 but 10 at 10. Hock V.J. And the key is Curie Latton. Yes. And they and the key is very Latin. And they were like, no, shit, these are not the droids we're looking for for you. Yeah, no, I got to say Andrew. I've said it before.

Andrew is to ribs as Keanu Reeves is to 18th century Italian soak. Um, that, that meat venn, I could still smell the pineapple, habanero and my poor, I got you, potlay blueberry. What? That was so good. Eight so much. Eight. In that ride home.

It was, we ordered genuinely, I think conservatively a dozen racks of ribs and eight, eight of them between four each on the way home. Wow. Yeah, it was. That was spectacular. Moving on to the movie and experience we all share. He asked him, Kano has to go see Delroy Lindon, right? He's got to go see the Satanist in the basement. Yeah. And his line is definitely is very bad to steal Joe Booz rum is very bad. And Delroy Lindo, he's, he's supposed to be like a Haitian guy because that you Haitian guys all do voodoo apparently for saying. Yeah. Yeah, right. We're saying exactly. And Delroy Lindo is trying to do a Haitian accent here.

And it's almost as bad as Keanu B. Oh, sorry. Like the movie, maybe it was Delroy Lindo, maybe the idiots who made the movie, they told them they're like, oh, yeah, Haitian, they speak French. They do a snooty Parisian French accent in Haiti. So he's like, uh, in Vietnam, sorry, and now, you say, I am a ziz nails into ziz tongue. Yeah. So ridiculous. But yeah, he's going to do, he's going to do some food. He's going to hammer nails into a beef tongue to fuck with the

prosecution against him. Yeah. Yeah. That's the key to the scene that black people are scary. So then we cut back and forth between Charlie is trying to be rich, right? And failing and Kiana lawyer in the shit out of it, right? Oh my God. And there. And so number one, I'm only for you guys, I am breaking my iron cloud rule, which is I only discuss montages that are set to survivor. You want to sing a little burning heart? We can. I was going to go out of the tiger. That's fun.

Fair. We're going to bring heart. We're going to go deep into their catalog like that. It's relax. You go on here, I have the tiger, man. Yeah. Play free. Don't be a dick. What the wheel in is, they wheel in the cart that has the New York City health code on it.

You can clearly see the book labeled penal law upfront. There are a couple of novels. There are a whole bunch of like those musters. Those are just reporters, right? Like they just carry the cases. I'm not, this is not even a joke, right? Like this is just whatever they went to, like a dumpster and pulled out, like, oh, that's kind of law. Look in. Let's stick it out. I just want to point out better props in jury duty. They'd probably bring him a copy of Moby Dick too. That's a thick and.

Yep. And then they and then they cut back over to Charlize Theron picking out colors for the department, right? Yeah. And she's with the wife of the the black lawyer guy, they're neighbors in that fancy apartment. Yeah. And she's with the wife of the, the Black lawyer guy, their neighbors in that fancy apartment. Yeah. Yeah. The, the medical examiner from Law and Order SVU, actually. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Connie Nielsen, also an SVU, weird little connection. Anyway, yeah. So she's helping Charlize pick out colors and she's like, how about green, Charlize? She's like, I like

green. What about green? And the lady's like, okay, well, not with Charlie's is like, I like green, what about green? And the lady's like, okay, well, not with your complexion, dear, not with your complexion. Like, okay, that was racist, right? Like, I know she's a black lady and Charlie's is white. And I think South African. So this is really awkward for me to say, but, all right, lady, once you black, explain to me a little more about what colors I can paint the wall of my cracker skin, my Afro Connor white skin. Whatever. I was offended.

Apparently just, no, that's fine. Oh, all right. I'm going to have to be just cleaners for this one next week, aren't I? Right. Yeah, exactly. All right. So then we cut to Keanu presenting exhibit grade A in court, right? Yeah, exactly. All right. So then we cut to Keanu presenting exhibit grade A in court, right? Because you like to go to court with props. You like to go in with some props. The judges love

it when you use props. So he's arguing that apparently his defense of the goat slaughtering is, what my client did was no cooler than making veal. I don't feel like that's exculpatory, right? Norris what my client did was no cooler than circumcision or it doesn't make any less sense than wine turning into blood. Like none of those are good arguments. I don't know, maybe from a legal perspective, but just from a logical perspective, they're not good arguments. Yeah, that was, that was weird.

The prop was weird, but the Jewish theme to argument from Keanu to the clearly Jewish judge was a little weirder. He's like, yeah, okay, so everybody relax. My client killed a goat. I mean, it's not like he was mutilating the penis of a human baby like Jewish people. Judge Jewish, your Jewish, the judge is Jewish. Judge holds the in Jewish Jew. I move for a dismissal and the judge is like, okay, well, you're talking about a law protecting

kosher butchering. That's what you're like, I happen to know about cashroot law. And, and he was like, I'm aware, uh, mazel lachayim, uh, us gold. I'm nailing this Jewish thing. It's so weird. Well, but it doesn't matter because you see at this point, Delroy is Lindo's magic spell kicks in and the bad guy, the other lawyer can't lawyer because he's coughing and loyering works like chess. You don't make your move in a certain amount of time. The other lawyer wins by default.

I, I, I, I, I, you, you, you, you could, you could probably tell from my lusciously husky voice here. I've been recuperating from a cold for the past week and a half. And like that you don't just default somebody in court because their lawyer is coughing like. Yeah, are you sure? Are you sure? Because like as I understand the law, Andrew Torres, if an attorney has a coughing fit, if it's long enough, more than 15 seconds, it's like being dizzy in Street Fighter

2, like you're just seeking to do whatever you want. At that point, it's like, it's like you have starman or like it's like a power play in hockey, like the cross-stabbing guy and then they have one guy. Big of a whole bench out. And the judge just be like, okay, that coughing super obnoxious, that guy loses any objections. No, just coughing,

gaville. That's how it works. I've been to many trials. You should look that up. You should. I'll keep on getting out of my bags. All right. So now, so he wins the lawyer again. Kiano and Owl wander through the city together so that Al Pacino can give him this just terrible.

Like if you ignore Al Pacino and just imagine these as words on paper, this is one of the dumbest speeches in the history of movies. What is Al Pacino? So a fucking course. Sure. Yes, absolutely. His analogy involves him not just fucking a beautiful woman, but over fucking her apparently. It doesn't matter because it's Al Pacino. It's amazing. Yeah. He's explaining to Kiano how he has to like be a sneak attack as a lawyer. He's like, you got to be the little guy.

No, Cuis. Ha, the nerd. Ha, the lepper. The shit kicking surfer is one of the exact words. What? And two things, I'd be like leppers are innocuous. Got the one. Body parts like falling off everywhere.

But Chino definitely threw in the surfer thing just to fuck with the Anu. No, absolutely. There's an outtake somewhere and he's like, a little guy, shit kicking surfer. Point break. You made the move so much fucking worse. You gave swan the cancer with your acting. He died of your acting. You're acting at way below 50 miles an hour. You're the worst. So now you're going to get the matrix. What the fuck? Yeah, right? Will Smith was up for that part. How did that

happen? You know, if if Pichito is nagging Keanu here, that makes sense. We're going to be like, we're billing you at it, $400 an hour, which I'm going to tell you even in 1997 in New York was like, so basically you're a first year associate that we can't make anymore. Like, like, you're making 1500 an hour in New York in 1997. So, the now makes, yeah, I would have loved for them to throw in like the, you know, the dollar amount on that rent in this film as well. It would have been like, that's 850 bucks

a month. Yeah. Yeah. We also get one of my favorite Pacino lines in a two and a half hour movie of my favorite Pacino line. I'm the hand up Mona Lisa's skirt, which is just so good. I guess so. Oh, because it's Pacino though. Yeah, right. Otherwise, it's just gross. Otherwise, it's like our president, but like, is amazing. I feel like he just walks around in every day life. He's got to talk like this. Like he's got to use it whenever just like everywhere he goes. Like, I'm at order.

There's a whole deli lines at order. Are you kidding me? I would do that. All right. So, Keanu gets home and they've got a big party to go to him and him and Charlize Theron. And he has to promise not to leave her alone in there because the person who wrote this movie had to have something for a woman to stress out about. So it was being left alone for more than 13 minutes and decorating, right? That's what they came up with. Right. Problems that plague women and being left alone at a cocktail party, right? Like, I mean, that's the entire purpose of going to a cocktail party is to meet people other

than the person you came with. Yeah, no, it's, I don't get it. Yeah. And I want to point out that this movie again, made in 97, when everyone's hanging around the Satan party in the movie, someone literally says Donald Trump was supposed to be here. Right? That's, that's an actual line in the movie. If a bunch of people who are evil are standing around together in a fucking movie. You have to mention you have to explain why Donald Trump isn't in that room. Oh, it's great. I wanted him to like walk in late to the party just with a bed pan in his hand like, say it and I made it. Let's get this P party going. Oh, but I thought everybody's going to be on board with

that right away. And okay, then we have to get the bit where Al Pacino is flirting with Charlize Theron of the party. Oh, this is, this is like the bizarro universe of the John Travolta Uma Thurman scene from Pulp Fiction, right? Like, the exact opposite of whatever flirting is supposed to be like, oh, my entire skin crawled this whole scene. It was just gross. Oh, it was mad. Strong, strong, I leaned in for the kiss with Pacino a couple of different times on

my screen. If his dick was out, I would have leaned in for the blow at this point. He's having like, I wanted to pull back my hair when he told her to pull back her, I wanted to show off my shoulders. And as if that was bad flirting, I mean, at least in that case, you had bad lines, but two great actors. Now we're going to cut to Keanu flirting with the hot red head. Keanu makes even scripted flirting seem horribly awkward. Yeah, right. Like worse than me at a bar, just like stabbing myself in the eye while I'm trying to

flirt. It's so bad. Like at one point, he's flirting with Connie Nielsen, the writer lawyer. At one point, she asked him a question and there's obviously a scripted answer that he's supposed to say. And he just smiles at her silently like he's having a happy little stroke. And he says, nothing, nothing, he might as well say buffering, buffering, just giving you that.

It's so good. Yeah, and as a result, Connie has to explain what she really means when she said you like to be on top, right? And then she's like, I mean in court because, you know, of course, we need that explanation. I expected that next line to be, I mean, nudge nudge, say no more squire. Venus. So, do you say cough, Venus? I said cough. I also love another great thing about this whole scene is that we keep cutting in like in the middle of a lawyer's conversation or the very end of it. And every one of these is a fucking gem, right?

So they're like, oh, I was thinking my teeth with a bone of his children's fingers when he said, oh, excuse me. Is that a record needle? Yeah. I also had a record needle while we were talking about the bones and the teeth of the child. So good. So Al Pacino, though, an emergency comes up. He has to pull a Kiano and Eddie Barzoon, that's Jeffrey Jones's character, out of the meeting or out of the party. So they can talk about this new emergency.

One of their biggest clients who is very clearly based on Donald Trump got charged with murdering his whole family. And they're gonna give this case to Kiano because he's the only criminal lawyer that they have in this firm. They just have the one way for crime. Rudy has has just the best line here, right?

Which I think is, I think this was ad lib because he looks over and he's like, you're going to take the firm's most important client and you're going to give it to, excuse me, Kevin, which is Keanu's name and it is just, it's like, I know it took three takes for him not to say. And you're going to give this to Keanu here who can't act. It's like, you're going to be a man in another from how Pacino is fucking crazy. Aren't they doing speed eight or something? Can we get this guy? God.

We also get another one of my favorite, favorite, Bichino lines in this movie. They're in his bedroom at this point, right? And they're all like, Bichino's not in there yet. And they're just like, oh yeah. This is his room. Like, where does he sleep? There's no bed.

And that's what Bichino walks in. And they're like, okay, he doesn't sleep in it. Where does he sleep? There's no bed and that's what Patino walks in and, uh, and they're like, okay, well, he doesn't sleep in it. Where does he fuck? And Patino is right behind him at that point. He's like, everywhere. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I fuck everywhere, just like pan over and he's fucking David Blaine stuck outside of the window. Like, oh, so good. What?

Yeah. No, that's, that would have been a great place to go with this scene. Okay. So, so now, Kiano gets back to his apartment and Charlie's just pissed because he left it at her at the party and couldn't just say, hey, let me tell my wife I'm going upstairs real quick because it's an asshole, apparently. And Charlie's argument is not great here, right? Like she's like, you just left me there for an over for three hours just trying to fuck

out but you, wait, wait, wait, I'm gonna come to the game. Yeah, and she was by herself for three hours at the fanciest fucking party I've ever seen. Like, just eat some lobster and drink some papi van winkel and enjoy yourself. Don't be an asshole. All right. So then we cut to him, meeting up with Mr. Incredible. Coach is the murder suspect, Craig T Nelson. And they've got to sell him on using this redneck lawyer. They just flew in from Jacksonville, Florida the other day, right? And this is where Al Pacino mutters one of my favorite lines in the movie,

where he tells Craig T Nelson that, you know, him going on trial will be quote, one of those classic New York style pig fox. Those are the lines they gave to one of the greatest actors in the history of film. That you guys, you guys are, you guys are New Yorkers. I am not so. What goes into it? They're better than Chicago style pig fox.

They're there. It's I know I know about like indie modern New York pig fox. I didn't know there was like an old tiny version. I thought that was like a new thing. Whatever. Yeah, it is just like this movie kept striking me with this weird competition of great actors and terrible lines and Keanu Reeves.

But yeah, but he sells him on the idea that he should be his lawyer going forward, right? Yeah, I'm trying to think of a job I'd want Keanu for less than being my defense lawyer. Like a personal astronaut. Like, wow, surgeon, like surgeon is all I could think of. After across from Al Pacino, I, yeah, throwing it out there. All right. So now we have, okay, we have to cut back to Charlize Theron because she's rich lady shopping because it's time for boobs. So the wife of the black lawyer dude has to talk Charlize into touching her boobs because

they're like, look, nothing has really happened in this movie except Al Pacino. So I have something else to sell. In fairness, every woman I've ever met who's had a boob job behaves it right. It's just like, oh, come on over here. Touch them. See how realistic they feel. So I felt like there was a lot of very similar to it in the scene. Okay. All right. I always get used as the control in that experiment. It's not fun. All right. So yes.

So she bandies her boobs around for a little while. And then she gets evil demon face like like late 90s. Best we could do CGI. And she gets the Ripley boobs. Yeah. Demon boobs too. Yeah. Evil demon face Ripley boobs should be a porn category. I'm fantastic. We're all still still into it. Yeah. Evil demon face. Ripley boobs should be a porn category.

That's what we're all still still into it, right? I just want to make me. I've got standards, but they're not high. I mean, all right. So then we go back to the apartment. So now Charlize is telling Keanu Reeves about seeing demons while she was awake and he's angry at her. I love it. I love Keanu. He tries to help here. Like he's trying to be the husband who's helpful, but it's so half-assed. He's like, I don't know. Maybe you saw a demon because you cut your hair? What? And she says, I knew you didn't like my hair. And he says, no, I like it.

I just think it's a little traumatic traumatic. That's a, you didn't want it to feel bad. So you describe your hair to as traumatic. What do you think that means, writers? Kiyano, would you feel better about seeing the demons if I impregnate you right now? Yeah. And that makes you feel better.

You wanna, you wanna soda and a fetus? Ha ha ha ha. Don't get your soda and a fetus. Oh my God. Yeah, no, that's his suggestion though. He's like, oh, you're suffering from a mental illness. What if I impregnate you? That would be better, right?

That would cure your mental illness, be it a mom? And so they fuck, right? And it's one of these stupid fucking movie things where people are always fucking on the floor and shit. Like you own a bed. Like it doesn't matter how turned on you, it would always be better to fuck on a bed than the floor. As soon as you started fucking on the floor, you'd be like, oh, this is

why people don't fuck on floors. That would be stupid. But I mean, if I lived in that apartment, I'd a want to fuck all over that like classic eight apartment just on every surface as like a policy. But I don't, like I'd get a look, like I'd want to fuck on the steps of the mat. Like you're right across from the mat. I'm fucking on the steps of the mat at some point. No question. All right. So, but then as they're fucking, she starts like turning into the redhead, like she's switching between Charlie's Theron and I'm sorry, what's Connie? Connie Neilsson. Neilsson. Yeah. Great switch back and forth both sides of the switch beautiful. Oh,

Yeah, you could do worse and then we get a little Toe sucking here Not not sucking toes No, it's enthusiastic Yeah, and like you could see like Charlize Theron's like, all right, man, that's, you don't, don't try to improv. That's gross.

It's so good. But yeah, they're switching back and forth. And at one point they switch, you know, from Connie Nielsen to Charlize and Keanu looks back at Charlize now. And she's like, Kevin, make love to me. You're my husband. And he gives this blank stare again. He does this all the time. He might as well spit up like a baby onto his bib.

Like he's just not always do. And then he's trying, oh, acting again. Sorry. Sorry. Fuck you. Yeah, but apparently she figures out that he's thinking about that lady from Gladiator. It doesn't want to fuck him anymore, right? So, right. And she says, she says, Kevin, where are you? Like she catches him and she asks him. And it's a weird moment. It's like, all right, let me ask you something real quick. Are you thinking about fucking an Italian demon lady lawyer? Right. Because that's, that's the look I saw on your face. That's what I just saw. Might as well a little bit. Anyway, so Keanu Reeves' mom from the beginning comes to visit, too.

She comes to visit him in New York. This is where they have to fight through all the lawyer, paparazzi. Yeah, yeah, that's a real thing. That is 100% a real thing. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm sure it happens to you all the time. It's just in Canada with a pap it happens to you all the time. I just in Canada with a pop rotsie. You wouldn't you wouldn't know where the pop rotsie to follow me or like, I'm sorry. At summer camp, I had pop rotsie all the time. I'm famous pro Prohawk VJ. Okay. Yeah. All right.

So then we get the scene, the elevator scene with Al Pacino. He's heading up to the top floor to fuck Connie Nielsen and an Asian chick. And Keanu is riding up with his wife and his mom. And Al Pacino is that asshole friend who doesn't know to fucking turn it down a little bit when I'm with my wife and my mom. You know, because he's just basically good. Hey, you want a fuck up a little aspians with me upstairs? Oh, your mom and your wife. They're turning into serpents right now. I all I said was, but, but let's be clear here, Al Pacino hits on Keanu Reeves's mom in the elevator while holding these two lesbians that he's about to go have a three.

So it's pretty great. I mean, I, I, I, I, I don't mean. Oh, yeah, he wants to make sure all his options are open. So okay. So the next day, Keanu wakes up to a lawyer emergency, right? There's everything's in the news about his client and it's bad. And just as he's about to rush off to work, his mom stops him. She's like, I have to go home.

I know we just did the fucking scene where we established that I'm here, but this city is to say Tannock and I need to leave because I'll go insane like your wife or whatever, right? It was right about this time when I realized if you watch this movie as an atheist, right? So if you assume that that no magic is actually going on, then it's just a movie about Charlize Theron going insane and ruining Keanu Reeves his life. Like it's pretty great from that. Yeah, exactly. And his mother blaming it on demons.

Like, you know, like it's right because it's this movie, but in real life, that's some scary dangerous shit that people actually do. And blame the mental illness on the demons anyway. So yeah, so now we have to get him like lawyer and like a mother fucker. We have to learn that, oh, this is the part where like super late in the movie, they introduce that there's a justice department commission looking into this law firm. Oh, yeah. And if you're wondering how that's going to pay off, not at all.

Like, two thirds of the way, a 97 hour movie, we need a subplot about a DOJ investigation that. Yeah. Fucking. What? So, okay. So that we get a, a, a, a, a, a, a, is going to go to a boxing match with Al Pacino. Um, but they, they're getting their via the subway and this, we have to talk about this scene.

This is the one where he starts fucking with the gang looking, read his spanic guy. That is the subway with him. That was a weird moment. This, yeah, this like, obviously like Latino thug in the script just starts fucking with Al Pacino and Keanu and Pacino is is just like, uh, your wife is doing crack with your buddy Carlos right now, just so you know, and they're about two, three, two, yep. Now they're having butt sex on your special green blanket, but he's saying this in Spanish to the guy. He's saying it in, but Pacino Spanish, but in Spanish and like, nobody on the

sub way, this New York subway speaks Spanish and is like, dude, what the fuck, man? Like my kids are right here. What's wrong with you? Yeah, and let's be clear, right? This movie is not subtle about how Al Pacino is the devil. And yet it is totally believable that Keanu Reeves never figures that out. I mean, he's basically the lowest lane throughout this entire movie. Like, yeah, I have to take your glasses off. It's amazing. So if you go to the boxing match, I only bring that scene up because Don King is in the movie. And I'm like, oh, that's a guy who's stuffed to human being to death. They put him in movies still. Wow. And then they go to the club where Puccino introduces him to a bunch of other hot women.

Oh, right. Yeah. The restaurant with Puccino's like dancing with like, he's flamenco dancing on stage with the performers and like playing the trumpet with the Mary, I'm Japan and everything. Yeah. Yeah. That was fun. Also, at one point, he commands one of these ladies to blow him under the table very clearly. And then he locks eyes again with Keanu Reeves. And once again, Keanu is terrified. He's just like, I need to act. I also act. Oh, it's so every, yeah, exactly. Every time Keanu has another line, we get to watch him like start acting again, you know what I mean?

Yeah. You know how Dennis Miller talks about the moment when white people begin dancing? Miller talks about the moment when white people begin dancing. That's like, that's Keanu. Like Keanu begins acting like super hard transition. He's trying to jump into a double Dutch. He's like shaking off signals like a pitchers. He goes on the first base before he starts acting. So good. All right.

So, okay. Now we cut to Charlize Theron, who is apparently the only one of these characters who's in a horror movie up to this point. So she wakes up, she's having a creepy dream. So she wanders through her apartment and she finds a naked baby in her living room, which she seems insufficiently concerned about a random naked baby in her apartment.

Yeah. And again, we've gone on a great length about how subtle this movie is. This is not just a naked baby. It's a naked baby playing with dead ovaries like. Yeah. That's the big reveal. She goes, Hey, what are you playing with their strange baby in my apartment? And he turns around, he's like, I have ovaries. These are disemboweled ovaries. It might as well be Pachino's voice. Just like, Oh, these your ovaries. It's so jarring. Yeah. So she wakes up and now we're, we're post-dream. Keanu is trying to talk her in and not being insane anymore, right? Right. Yeah, she's, she's acting crazy about this.

Like she had a hallucination about the baby, though, he's obviously, and we get one of my favorite Keanu lines too. He goes, mayor, I'm confused. And it's the only believable line. Cause I mean, like, Jen, you're like, I'm confused is the entire acting wheelhouse of Keanu Reeves. That is all he has. We're exels. Yeah. But okay, but then he has gets a phone call. His wife is clearly losing her fucking mind, but he's not gonna like miss a phone call over that. So good.

Keanu gets the emotion of zero moments in this movie. She's having a mental breakdown and he stops the conversation to take yes, a phone call. He's like, yeah, over he's gone. Just fucking. Oh, no, my phone just, I've got a buzz on my cell phone now. Hold on. Jay, going both ways. buzz on my cell phone now. Hold on. Jay, going both ways, triple letter nailed it. Okay.

I'm taking a phone call, taking a phone call. She's shut up. She's what? No way. Okay. You said you're barring or something. Can you hurry it up? I got it.

I really do have to take this. You go first and then I'm going to take this. Yep. That's it. That's the conversation because because the phone call, he gets a super important. It's it's new information about the Craig teen Nelson case, right? It's actually the same. They only think of one thing to have happened. So it's the same thing that was on the newspaper earlier, right? Am I am I crazy here? Okay.. And, and, and let's be clear here. Again,

the greatest lawyer of all time, his line is that's hearsay that never gets in. That is, in fact, the exact wrong answer here, right? Like, so if the declaring is not available, you're safe to get this. A bunch of exceptions apply, right? Like, Colin is the person who made this with, with a person who's unable to, you know, because his wife is unavailable to testify because presumably he killed her, right? It's it's arguably a statement against interest. It probably falls under the catch all exception. All I'm saying is the law in this movie is terrible. That's all. Yeah. I don't know. Andrew didn't know about the power play with the star man. I don't know if I could trust Andrew.

Yeah, I mean, only one of our podcast has to tell people constantly not to take their legal advice. That's all I'm saying. That fair. All right. But then we get the whole scene where Al Pacino's like, I think we should take you off to Craig T Nelson case and he out was like, but then we get the whole scene where Al Pacino's like, I think we should take you off the crank T Nelson case and Keanu's like, but then what would the fucking plot be though?

Really? Really? Also, I'm a small child and reverse psychology works amazing on me, the best lawyer in Manhattan. Yes. I'm not going to quit the case. I mean, let's not pass over the fact here that Keanu Reeves does not really like, I don't care.

You can be Keanu Reeves level of stupid and you have to get the idea that you're client having an iron clad alibi for the night of the murder is a good thing and not a bad thing. Yeah. Yes, but not Keanu apparently. No. No, he just dives into a briar patch and starts pouring I'm not doing it right double right double a black lawyer whatever. Okay. Come on. All right. Well, since this movie Just as I keep going until the credits start flow to it. We're gonna call that the end act to and we're gonna take

ourselves a break. But first let me give act three of the hard sell here. Will Al Pacino, Al Pacino the fuck out of this thing before it's all over? Will he suddenly forget that he's not incentive a woman part two when it's Al Pacino? Does it fucking matter? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the full frontal conclusion of the devil's advocate. for the full frontal conclusion of the devil's advocates. Don't mind if I do. So we've been whining and dining you for a week. Just know I guess hope yourself to as many butter scotches as you want, but anyways,

it's time for you to make a decision. Would you like to join our firm or not? Yeah, so look, I just have one question, and nobody's been willing to answer it, and it's pretty important to me. All right, what is it? I don't know. I don't know. You're the devil, right?

What? Me? No? No. I'm just not the devil. Look, I see what you're going for with the Biel Z-bub gameplay, but Biel isn't even a first name, so... It's, it's... D-Dutch. And we are very clearly in hell. What, what? Hell?

No, this is... Fire, fire, please. I think who's doing all the screaming in the background? The paralegals. Fair, that could be true. But that doesn't change anything. You are clearly still the devil. Well, you know what?

It turns out you're as clever as me, though. That's right, Andrew. I am the devil, and I need you on my equal team. Right. I mean, that's my question. I did, I get it. But why would the devil mean moyers? I mean, you have magic. I do. Yeah, yeah. I I mean it doesn't really matter if I

come up with a good defense on the whole goat slaughtering thing if the defendant can just hex people with ludo right. Yeah no you know that that makes perfect sense actually. That makes perfect sense, actually. And it just seems, in most cases, Satan magic would work better than, you know, strongly worded letters on my official letterhead? No, no, I get that. I see what you mean, though. So again, why don't you need lawyers? I do not, I guess.

I'll just use the magic. Wow, you just saved me a ton of money, man, thanks. You're welcome. OK, so obviously we're not doing the job offer anymore, but you want to get beer? We're recording in advance, but I bet Brett Kavanaugh will be celebrating by now. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, He really likes to hear. Oh, okay. And also, how'd you get my number? Oh, Eli Bosnick recommended you, close friend. Close friend. Yeah, yeah, I figured that makes a lot of sense. Thanks out here, you know, on the weekends. I fucked up, dude.

Fucked up, dude. And we're back for more of this shit. We're gonna pick up the action and honor of our esteemed guest during the Fuck off, dude. And we're back for more of this shit. We're going to pick up the action and honor of our esteemed guest during the opening arguments for the big murder trial. Thank you. Thank you. Still more subtle than Al Pacino in this move title. Opening arguments.

No, okay. Is it just me or is the guy the actor playing the prosecutor Brett Kavanaugh? I think he looks like, you know, Brett's put out a little weight since the 90s, but it looks like this could be him. Yeah, my my no, I like beer. I drink beer. I like to drink beer. I like a ski once a while. I like a ski once in a while. You do a ski, go fuck yourself. Who says that?

Awful. Assholes. Redonculus, fuck you. Talk like that. All right, so the prosecutor gives his opening argument and then the judge turns to, he had a reason, he's like, house pretty good opening argument. You need to take a break or you man enough to open your argument now or do you want to reach this? He's like, no, no, I will open this argument

like it was a can of what pass mother fuckers. Yep. And Kiana who crushes it with this opening argument. He's like, okay, well, that guy took a fucking while. I'm alright. Right? Right? So fucking slow. I know you're hungry. So, you know, I'll go fast. That's also why I made this 12 course dig station tasting menu for all of you guys. We have an amuse bush. Sam and Cornette, sweet onion creme fresh. If you like that, there is no amount of crazy billionaire money. I would not fork over to hear Keanu Reeves say, I'm use bush. I've come on. In a Southern accent.

No, yes. Just have him and Pacino reading a menu to you back and forth back and forth. Same menu. But I have to say this, it pains me to do so. This is a really good opening statement. It really is. Like this is what you do. You set up your theory of the case and you block out the areas that you think your witnesses are going to be weak at. So, right, if you're defending a scumbag, like you get up there and, you know, I know that like the dialogue is like, look, we all want to murder my client. I want to murder my client. Like you really actually do that. So yeah. So he, the broken clock twice a day, I guess, he actually does the lawyer this

part correctly. But I feel like, are, and you tell me, Andrew, would you tell your client you were going to do that or would you surprise them in the courtroom with it? Oh, well, it's funny. Or if you surprise them, obviously, like, well, yeah, no, that is the, yeah, because Kraty Nelson didn't see that comment and he's pissed. He asked her rough up. I guess they have a room adjacent to the courtroom where you can beat up your lawyer. If you have to either in that room or you can blow him through a glory hold. They have a lot of options.

Yeah, they actually call it the Eli room. the Eli Room. All right. So then we cut from the opening arguments to this scene where Keanu runs into Jeffrey Jones on the street. And apparently this is where Keanu Reeves learns that he is now a full partner at the law firm and didn't know that. now a full partner at the law firm and didn't know that. So all right. Yeah. I just praised the leoering in the previous scene. So what kind of like six year old with a crayon got a hold of the script? We all know the way partnership works is that like major corporate decisions have to be voted on by

the partners. Like if you can do something over the objections and without the knowledge of your partners, that's not a partnership, right? Like, again, I hate to argue with you about legal stuff, but I'm pretty sure if you, again, if you have that crayon you're talking about and you write Ankyon Reeves in small crayon on the front of the door of the firm. That is. Like, if he's in that he does a notice for a certain amount of time, that's official. And they call the document the charter like I, oh God, I'm sorry, my, my, there was a little blood vessel in the back that actually reached out and strangled my madoula blangada on this one.

I feel like you'd need his permission at least. I mean, I guess so, but, but the key here though is that Jeffrey Jones can outskie him any day. Damn it. Right. Like, that's the way they play. This is that like, they're going to have to, like, now the two of them have to ski against each other to see who's dad gets the rec center after all. So then that would

be such a good movie. I would definitely go see that movie. I just want to point out. All right. All right. Jeffrey Jones needs the work. Um, Keanu will do anything. All right. So now he goes back. He's got to tell Al Pacino about this weird encounter with Jeffrey Jones So that Al Pacino can deliver this movie's writers version of an Al Pacino speech I mean if you listen to the words of the speech that Al Pacino gives they are complete Fucking nonsense, but it sounds so good because it's Al Pacino. Yeah, this, this speech is amazing. It is any barzun. Take a good look. He's the poster child for the next millennium. You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split

atoms with its desire. It goes on for another page and a half like this. I just want to point out. Yeah. Literally none of these words belong in this order in the English language. There's a fiber optics reference. It is just also, yeah, speaking of words and the English language and their existence are not kybernetic keyboard. If you guys have a kybernetic keyboard, what the fuck with a chiburned? First of all, like who makes an AI robot that can understand language and then use it to take dictation and physical typing, like a liquid metal guy just taking dictation there. But my favorite part is that it's obviously supposed to be a cybernetic keyboard, but but she does as chibnetic, but his speech

is so fucking good that they were like, we have to keep it. We have to keep it. Apparently, it was like, cybernetic keyboard, cut, cut, you know, just like waves it off and keep coming. Like, pegged man, even the whole team or something. Yeah. There was definitely a Calculon does one take coming out. I believe it's pronounced salky on it's salky on.

And of course, Welles, given this speech, we've got Jeffrey Jones jogging and there's three demons chasing. They're like, it's like the hockey players in dogma, except we're supposed to take them seriously. Right. The three jogger demons that are chasing Jeffrey Jones around now. Yep. And they beat him up like big Dan Teague beating up brother. It's also apparently Charlize Theron is experiencing this too.

They just cut to her and she's not having a good time at all during this scene. Remember, she's in this movie. All right. So then we cut to Keanu Reeves interviewing the assistant, like the, the, the, his client's assistant that is going to testify that she was having an affair with him while he was supposedly killing his family. Right. This is where he has to give out some lawyer advice, which includes don't be confused if the other lawyer changes his tone of voice. Yeah. Yeah. He's explaining to me. He's like, all right, well, this prosecutor's going

to get super tricky. He'll change tone of voice. He'll change attitude. He'll change tempo. Okay. Tempo. Yeah. Yeah. Andrew. Andrew. Level with me.

Trevor, when you were a lawyer, do you ever start a sentence slow and then just all of a sudden speed it up when they weren't ready. And so I guess somebody confessed just be like, so your name, Brett Kavanaugh, I did it. I did it. I was thinking he was reading the instructions from the Casio keyboard, right? Like he's going to change the tempo. He's going to press the sombo button. Or you can change the speed without changing the pitch. It's crazy. All right. So and also by the way, his alibi apparently was that he was fucking from six 10 PM to nine 40 PM. Craig T Nelson was fucking from, keep in mind, this isn't Mr. Incredible.

This is just regular Craig T Nelson was fucking for two and a half hours. Hey, and Fox can fuck. No, no, no. Ho, Ho, you could me, but remember within the world of this movie, just, just a fully creep everyone out, this is Donald Trump was fucking for three and a half hours. So I kind of feel like we could tweet at Stormy Daniels and figure out if that's true. But then we would like she'd ruin some other classic video game for us forever. So I don't think we want to do that. So okay. So yeah, I had to explain to my son why Mario Kart was trending on the OA Twitter

that was that was fun. Yeah, yeah, anyway. All right, so he storms out of the office, you know, because he realizes that it's a lie. He realizes that the assistant wasn't really having an affair. She's just apparently being paid off to be his murder alibi. And out in the office everyone just found out that Jeffrey Jones was beaten to death in the previous scene. So they're all super sad. And this is where it turns out that Keanu Reeves has a court appearance pop quiz of some sort like his assistant comes by as you're supposed to be in court in 30 minutes. And it's like, I figured, figured I mean I didn't accuse a Supreme Court Justice

asexual assault why the hurry like way you think they would tell me about it in advance I mean I'm sorry 30 fucking this is Manhattan you better have some fucking spidey webs if you're gonna get downtown in 30 minutes. All right so they they're on the subway heading to this pop quiz of a fucking court appearance and he tells he confides in Al Pacino on the way. He's like, I'm starting to think that Cragtee Nelson might have been the real killer. You haven't considered that as you're building your defense, the idea that maybe he did it. That is just now occurring to you several days into the court proceedings.

And does that matter if you're a defense lawyer? Well, I mean, so it, it certainly does, right? Like because you cannot knowingly subordinate purge right? So it's one of the things like, Ellen Dershwood used to say this in his criminal law classes all the time. He was like, I never asked my clients the terminal question, right?

Like because if they say, I did it, then I cannot put them on the stand. If I decide, I rarely decide to put them on the stand, but I can't put them on. If they have told me I did, I can suspect, but I cannot knowingly subborn perjury. So that's a, that's a common defense thing. But I have to tell you, like this entire thing really, really pisses me off. Like this is really typical of every lawyer movie that they

want to focus in on what if I'm a defense attorney and I get a guilty personal, you know what they never focus in on in legal movies is like, hey, I'm a prosecutor and I'm like weedling confessions out of drug addicts and homeless people to mentally ill like fuck you, you know, like it is so much a bigger anyway. Sorry. I didn't mean to go. Yeah, no, no, absolutely. I'm with you. Like in movie universe, the prosecutor is always the good guy and less like, you know, he's a comic foil to Joe like in movie universe, the prosecutor is always the good guy. And unless like, you know, he's a comic foil to Joe Pesci. But the prosecutor is always the good guy.

And there's this false guilties. You're saying this prosecutor's getting false guilties in the real world? Can you believe that? Yeah. All right. So we head back to court and he has this amazing liar, liar moment, right? Where he has to, he has to call the assistant to the stand, but he can barely get the words out. He's literally, he forgets how to speak. So like, I'm pretty sure Keanu, like, read the direction in the script.

It probably said something like, you know, speak with difficulty, but Keanu is fucking stupid. So he took that to mean like physical difficulty making mouth noise. So like, all of a sudden he's like, foghorn, leghorn with a stutter just like, I'm just a boy. Yeah. So, but he manages to get it out, right? He manages to call Melissa Black to the, to the stand. And then she swears on a Bible, even though she's going to lie. See, this will be counts. It wasn't just so that we could watch boobs. And then we cut immediately to everyone in the hallway celebrating how good Kiano Reeves

just loyered again. Right? Yeah. Yeah, because apparently the one thing they don't have in this trial is cross examination. But I didn't know. No, well, the one thing they have, they don't have in this legal drama is a legal drama, right? This is the big, this is the case.

This whole movie has been about as much as this movie's been about a thing. And it just ends off screened. Okay. It has, it has neither legal nor drama to it. It's pretty amazing for, for the, yeah. Right. But, like the whole new Roman Empire, but yeah, But, but, but we do get, we do get boobs and that's enough to stick around for apparently. So okay.

Now Keanu Reeves gets home and Shirley is there and is going completely like full insane. He has to chase her down. They have a scene of him running because they really wanted this to be the firm with Satan and boobs. So they needed him to run at some point. It starts raining. He smashes into John Qsac to somehow. Yeah, it's raining. Cool.

So, sorry. Yeah. So he finds her in a church and she starts confessing that Al Pacino raped her, but Al Pacino was in court with him the whole time. So clearly she's insane. If only he could scream at her louder. Oh, hear that gross. He yells at her.

He's like impossible. Al Pacino had a calendar and a year, but what? He was right next to me the whole time. Again, she's having a delusional breakdown as far as he knows. And he's yelling at her like a, like a dog that peed on the rucks. And you could see, you could see Charlie's there on size. She's acting so well at this point. She's being the like person in the middle of a delusional breakdown and she's acting

the part perfectly. And she's got Keanu crossed her mind. You can see in a rush, she's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing man? Are you buffing again? What? Should I unplug your router and plug it back in? Like, yeah, you're shit together. So, all right, so he checks her into, oh, and then she's naked for a minute.

Like, the nudity of this movie is so bizarrely gratuitous, right? Like there's no, it serves no function. What's I like, I'm not complaining about naked Charlize there. And but like do something with your nudity, okay? Like at least pretend that there's a reason. I love gratuitous is the word. Like it's Charlize, Quas, Charlize. Like I'll take, I think, you know, that's her nudity for the sake of her nudity is strong.

Okay. But one of the things in this scene, thank you to both. I was waiting for that. So she's sitting there, she's in a church. She ran to a church, she's wrapped in a blanket. She's as we're, as we just found out, she's like, oh, scarred from this, you know, assault that just happened to her. And nobody's come to like talk to her in the church is the church on a fucking weight.

That's, she, she has one of those little buzzers then like, it will be buzzers and she goes to get to see a priest eventually like she's at the fucking DMV. It's, it's God. Got her little number there. Yeah. Um, so he checks her into a asylum, um, but she understands that her insanity is actually just a punishment from God for him winning all of his lawyer cases.

And I'm thinking about myself, okay, well, theologically this makes sense because Christian God really likes to take it out on people's wives and daughters and shit. That would make sense, I guess. But then we cut to Jeffrey Jones's funeral, right? This scene is so goddamn bizarre because I feel like the movie is just like it's not over. Now I guess, okay, we'll do this. But during this scene, we just get al Pacino just sort of wandering through the church

being evil. And I would watch three and a half hours of just that, right? Just he'll wander around evenly touching things in a church. That would be, that would be fine with me. But what's he supposed to be like? The Prince of Darkness was like, uh, yeah, sorry, come into my office. I want you to women to go sit next to Keanu during the funeral and then he'll get a funeral

boner and then we wait like what? What was the blade wait for what? What do you do? You're saying do a spell or something? What the fuck we've been do this all the time? Yeah, there was definitely a phase three is profit kind of vibe from the. Yeah. A funeral boner to profit is an interesting set of dots.

Yeah. But they don't spell it out. Unfortunately, yeah, before we can get to that, he storms. I can't oh, gets mad and storms out because he starts seeing the pedophile teacher from the beginning of the movie. He starts seeing him in the, in the audience. So he storms out and it turns out that the, the, the justice department guy that's investigating the firm was waiting outside of the funeral in case he should storm out.

I. Right. This, this scene definitely supports Noah's thesis that the movie is the firm plus the devil, right? Like, it's like John Grisham broke onto the set and took over writing and directing, but only for like nine minutes, right? Like, he's like, okay, so, so what's going to happen is the firm, no wait, the partnership is secretly running on the deals and toxic waste and money laundering and you never, you ever read a little abdner anyway. Yeah, it is insane. And

none of this goes anywhere after the next half minute. No, because the scene ends with that guy getting run over by a car and killed instantly um, but the way we get there is so goddamn amazing. This is the best. Al Pacino is again wandering evenly around the church and at one point he goes to stick his finger in the holy water thing and he stops. He like breaks the fourth wall looks right at you. He goes, I know I'm doing this fucking movie, but I, you know, why not have some fun

with it? All his face is the greatest at this point. First, you see him just like being Pacino at the back of the church. And he's all like this, he's Pacino. And then he's got, yeah, like you said, he's got his finger about to dip into the holy water. And he's like the kid being told, don't you dare touch that holy water. And he's slowly dipping his finger just like look into my eyes. Fuck your holy water. I put my finger wherever I want. Everywhere. You guys are the Christian movie experts. So I mean, I thought, uh, I thought this was supposed to be like dogma rules, right?

Like, can the devil touch consecrated holy water? Like I, I was totally confused, but I loved it anyway. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It doesn't really have to, we, when, when he gets to dump his fingers into the holy water, the holy water literally sizzles and this causes another human being at that moment to get killed by a car. I forgive you, right?

It doesn't have to make sense. Beautiful. That's a weird satan power. Absolutely. Like, I wanted to see him show up at a church and the holy water thing is empty and he's like I got six minutes before Man of Ford turns I got six minutes somebody blessed this shit. This is my sound crazy, but You're gonna need just a little bit more holy water Are you gonna double the sound? Are you gonna boil it with your finger and murder somebody because we get this a lot? I heard your shape shifter. What? I would not even. I like the idea that different props in the church

would be a different specific way to murder somebody, right? So the whole world is set by automobile. The votive candle means to get crushed by a safe like I would just mom. He boils down the water. It's just a film of shit at the bottom. I'm like, yeah, last shit. I was doing you guys a favor, I guess. So, okay, so Kiyaro goes to the asylum to see Charlize and his mom as they are reading a Bible to a person having a mental breakdown. That's probably not good I don't know

Good thing So Charlize there is is basically a catatonic at that point So Keanu and his mom go out to have a chat out in the hall and mom starts to tell her She's like basically she's like okay. I know Did it's be really fucking cheesy to do the Darth Pacino. He is your father thing right now, but this is, this is really all we've got for this movie, I guess.

So let me tell you who your father really wants. Yep. And they apparently met when she was in New York on a mission crusadey thing in like 1966 and Pacino, Satan, the prince of darkness was a waiter at a hotel restaurant. And he like condor into sleeping with him and, you know, spawned, spawned Keanu Reeves. He was a waiter at a hotel restaurant. I just want to beat that. Well, what he was just like trying to sell everybody the same apple.

Just like, rap is like this apple for dessert. I was thinking cheesecake. No, fuck. Uh, it's with thinking cheesecake. No, fuck. Uh, it's with apple cheesecake. No, blueberry. Apple blueberry. No, stop saying apple. I think in my head, Cannon, uh, uh, uh, Pacino was just auditioning for the role of Satan.

So you know, obviously, you know, I'm waking tables until we got the part. So that's, that's kind of what I thought. There's this early in his satanic career. Yeah, he had to make that. So, okay, but before we can finish the reveal, the reveal is so stupid in this movie that they cut it off halfway to have Charlize there and kill herself by slitting her own throat with a piece of glass. by slitting her own throat with a piece of glass.

Now, in this moment, Keanu's just trying his little heart out. Oh my god. I mean, it's really kind of sad to look at, to be honest, if Keanu were dressed as an Indian overlooking, a river full of, you know, pollution, this would not have been that miserable for you. Oh my God. It's so rough. It's like they had to trick him into getting the shot. Like they had to like, they had him laughing hysterically at a fart noise

or whatever. And then they were like, dead puppy. Look at the dead puppy. So like his face is laughing. But the noise, he's at least bawling. It's so bad. Yeah. Okay. So yeah. So he watches this wife die and seconds later, right? In this, in this film's universe seconds later, he goes out. He's like, all right, well, she's dead. Now finish that, that story. There's no way this movie merits a two and a half hour run time. Finish the fucking reveal. And mom tells him like, yeah, no, it's Al Pacino. Al Pacino's your dad. It's kind of super obvious at this point. It would have been a surprise if you'd let me say it earlier, but I find no, your wife has to kill herself and upstage me again.

And Kiyotta's reaction to this to his dad being Satan and again, his wife just moments ago dying in his arms. Yeah. He's like an angry teenager storming out. He's just like, go on, you never let me do anything. I'm going to play guitar in the basement. Stop. Don't touch me. Brown out Iron Man, wait.

Iron Man, oh fuck, Iron Man. And, and let's not, let's not skip over, you know, Mama Boucher's motivation here is she didn't want Keanu to think he hadn't earned his way to New York. Like I love that. I didn't want you to know that it was the Satan powers all along. And also apparently, canoes like internally, like his character in the movie realizes that none of this would make sense unless this was the third act of a horror movie. So he realizes for no reason that he must now face Al Pacino alone.

And of course, this is leading to literally my favorite possibly 20 minutes in any movie ever. Alright, yeah, let's get to that. So this is where we're the fuck the assistant character that is his legal assistant shows up to basically say to him, it's okay. We're in where this is the last scene. Don't worry. It's almost over. And then he goes to Al Pacino's apartment and he just storms and he's like, all right, let's get this movie over with right and Al Pacino's like, sorry, hold on. I got 25 minutes here. I got some material here His rolls out of scroll rolls across that

I'm gonna Al Pacino for a while before we buckle in But we start right. This is the high fidelity rule on making a mix tape right? Like you got to start high and then take it higher. Like this is the best line in any movie ever. I am, I have been since watching this movie. I have been looking for a way to just work this bit of dialogue into, you know, day to day occurrences. It's, it's amazing. He, he, you, you, you, you want to take the line? Oh, I love this so much. Please, go ahead. Are you talking about when he's, he's, he's talking with Kevin about how he, he fucks Kevin's wife. Yeah. Says, well, Kevin on a scale of one to 10 with 10 being the most depraved act of sexual

theater known to man and one being your average Friday night run through with the Lomax House. I'd say not to be a modest. That your wife and I got it on it about a seven. He had some fingers. It's the best. It's the absolute best. I will never find English linguistic perfection to drop that. So my favorite part is that the not to be a modest part. He's like, he's a saint, the prince of darkness. And he's like, seven, like, I'm not. Seven five, I will not say eight. I'm not going to say eight.

I was, you know, I was a little tired. She's hot. She's hot, but you know, it's New York, right? Yeah. I mean, if this were Wisconsin, it would be a 10, but like, you know, I agree. It's really fucking like seven half Asian reptilian prostitutes. And that was like moments ago refracting period even for Satan. I hit it at the pool. I had been in the pool. And also we learned here

that you can't shoot say well, you can shoot Satan, but the bullets just make him over active and harder, right? He just out but you know, it's the bullets way. I almost feel like out but you know could really do that to bullets, right? If you started shooting to me, you just started going, ah, and they bullets would be like, all right, fuck that. It's it's out. So it's the great. Yeah, Milton getting shot is fantastic. He go, this is where he goes full, but if he hadn't already, this is full, but you know, to the next level, like, like five raspy smoker lions combined to make patino voltron. And he's getting shot. He's like, got me. He got a whole, a whole, a typical, adequate, I kind of talk normal during my early career, Michael Corleone. Oh, God.

I got it. Mo Greene is out at the traffic. All right. So then like I'm, I'm done with this shit because let's face it. He's just been out Pacinoing now for an hour and like that only takes me so far. But then hot red head is it comes in and I'm like, all right, you got me for another 15 minute runtime. And then Al Pacino, Al Pacino's God, right? He gives this whole guy. What a son of a

bitch, Christian God would be. And I'm like, well, actually, you know, that's, that's like hard for them to hide from, I guess. He knows an amazingly cogent argument for why the giant asshole. Yes. And then, okay, I don't really get what's happening here, but Connie Nielsen is Keanu Reeves' sister. And therefore, Satan wants the two of them to fuck to make super Satan. I just, I'm glad I'm not the only because I was trying to do the math on this because I'm a number. So Al Pacino is Satan. Keanu Reeves is half Satan.

Connie Nielsen is half Satan. So they have to give birth to the anti Christ. That's a worthless plot. He's going. He's going for a lesson. Is recessive. I don't. Yeah. Like I want to see that in red antichrist. Come out, just like a tiny head and a flipper and a club foot trying to be all badass. So we have to establish two, by the way, the, the moral of this story is lawyers, am I right? Like they come back over and over like he's about to fuck Connie Nielsen. She becomes naked in this scene. And then he goes, wait, wait, why is this movie about lawyers? He's like, right? Like he's still trying to figure out

the plot. Oh, and then there's that there's this tiny little moment is priceless. But she knows telling him he's like, all right, you got to fuck your half-sister. I want you to be yourself. I want you to be, you know, like the whatever, spawn the anti-grace again. And but she know boops, Keanu on the forehead. Keanu, I'm Keanu, panics. He's like, stop.

But it's still in his bunch of boopie. So good. And they keep all of it. And they just try to keep acting through it. It's the best. Yeah. Is is no one going to mention the three solid minutes of Pachino singing Sinatra? Like, beautiful. At this point, even the fucking soundtrack was going like, oh, fuck it, whatever, just Bichino up, man, just Bichino up. Also question, why does Keanu need to volunteer for that, like, why can't, why can't Satan just like get some of Keanu's come and just like Turkey based her it into Kanye Nielsen? Well, I mean, he can make, he can make Charlize, they're on look like Connie Nielsen.

Can't he make Connie Nielsen look like Charlie could like, they could, they could, they could, I feel like they could have just tricked him or it could just look at Kiano and be like, what? And then Kiano could screw in and exactly. And there you go. Work on me. Yeah. No, I guess that would, that would do the tricks. There you go. Work on me. Yeah.

No, I guess that would, that would do the trick. So all right. But Keados figured out a way to end this movie after all. So he pulls out check off's gun. Remember the gun from before and then he kills himself with these shoots himself in the head. So as not to spawn the antiichrist, because let's face it with Connie Nielsen naked right in front of you, either you're shooting yourself in the

hat or you're fucking Connie Nielsen, I guess. I get it. I get it. And then that's when Satan goes full Satan turns devily and fiery. Yeah, this is big like CGI sequence with all the fire and everything, but there's one little moment in the middle of it. Did you guys catch the like just weird little frame of shirtless, normal alpichino by just like sloppy, just dumpy looking at the camera for a second. Yeah. Big finale with like epic symphonic music and fire and angels and demons changing

into each other. And then just five seconds of sloppy Al Pacino with a hangover on Sunday morning, just no shirt, leathery manboobs looking right back to back to epic. So weird. Yeah. And so, okay, now we're going to make sense of all that with this final scene, right? So this is where we get the twist. We back up. We're in the bathroom at the beginning of the movie right before he berated the underage rape victim. And with the reporter guy was fucking with him about not being able to free the pedophile, which if you think about it as a weird shit talk to have with somebody like, I bet you can't get that pedophile off of Scott free. So he walks into the courtroom, Charlize there in his still alive because this is the past.

And so Keanu says, oh, it's so great to see you and he kisses her. He makes out with her a bit, which, you know, it makes sense within the story, but like in her mind, in the chronology of the courtroom, this happens immediately after a 14 year old girl details her rape, right? Like the guy defending the accused rapist starts off by coming in and making out with his wife as though he had been turned on by all of this. Struck me as weird. That a good time.

Thanks. Thanks for sharing. Thanksruck me as weird. That's a good time. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for sharing. Yeah. No, but this is not going to ruin this for me. You're not going to ruin this. I'm pushing past it. All right, but this time through the timeline, he had a reason can't bring himself to use

his super lawyer powers to get a pedophile off without punishment. So he quits the lawyer ring right in the middle of the lawyer ring. The moral of this story again is don't be a lawyer, even if you're a lawyer. Yeah. No, he, he, he officer in a gentleman's this scene, right? Like, yes, yes, exactly. But then it turns, but then like the journalist appeals to his vanity and says, I'm going to make you famous. Everyone will love not a lawyer anymore.

And it turns out that the journalist was secretly the devil the whole time, which we learned when Al Pacino morphs out of that actor and breaks the fourth wall again. All right, well, that wraps it up, I guess. Andrew, when we first asked you to do this, we didn't know that so much would be going on in the judiciary universe immediately before you came on and reported. So thanks even more than usual for making time for us today. Thanks for having me on. It's always fun. Even when the world is on fire, I mean, there was only CGI fire in this movie, but the literal

world is on fire as we're recording this. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm sure it'll be burned out by the time we released this episode, assuming there's not a nuclear war or something like that. Okay. So if the listeners wanted to hear more You're biting legal commentary. Where could they find it?

Opening arguments podcast just if you start typing opening into Google you'll get there. Oh Wow. Oh, of course you'll be able to find a link to the show notes for this episode and well That's gonna do it for our review of the devil's advocate That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet because we still need a hype up for London. So he tell us what's on Zach loose mother fucking change. Oh, change about the inside job of 9 11. Very excited about it. It's a documentary based on reality. It's not fiction.

Maybe you're not. Maybe. 9 11 happened in New York. It's traded on reality. Maybe you've got to marry 9 11 and happen in New York. It's traded on the New York stocks. Change. No, it is. So yeah, no, and that's going to be our London live show. It's in the future as we record this.

It's in the past as you hear it, but get ready for get excited for next week because we're going to have Andy Wilson and Mike Marshall on as guests in that show should be an absolute fucking blast. So with that to look forward to we're going to bring episode 164 to a merciful clothes, once again a big thanks to Andrew Torres for hanging out with us today. And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to catch yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access

to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to not only leaving us five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this, you'll be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating ad, the citation ad, and the skeptic grant available in iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies or gmail.com, legal service, or physical support, or provide a bit of law, if it's a PA, or a tutorial, or as 10 Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was

written and performed by Ryan Slotnik, the evil drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clarkam, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week week for Heathen right in Eli Bosnick. I'm Noel Luzon's Promise Norwork Hard to earn another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with the Breakfast Club close. Yonna Reeves went on to star in John Wick 3. Still buffering.

Heh heh heh. Satan went on to have his very own court. And Eli Bosnick never regretted hiring Keanu Reeves as his lawyer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah thunderstorm eggs. That's all I have. Well, that's we are discussing it though. We are discussing it. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzling a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2018. All rights reserved.