God Awful Movies - 167: The Remaining

Episode Date: October 30, 2018

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of "The Remaining" a (selectively) found footage film about a love triangle between a man, a woman, and a scorpion-horse locust. --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

You know they were in like miracle magic studios are one of those major studios that does SFX and some guy came in with a Bible and he was like so a body of a lion and some nerd in a computer was like uh-huh got it and he was like face of a lady and he's like oh that's actually pretty scary Locust, you can't what? You said the word like small or whin. And then scorpion tail. And he was like, okay, yeah, this is the silliest thing I've ever created. And I worked on Avatar. So I quit. God awful. Movie.

Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be my good friend Heath. That right. Heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who's a good, you know who's an actor technically the cast of this movie. Yeah. But now they are waiters at TGF Fridays. Well, that's a noble profession. Of course sitting 909 miles to my northeast. You've already heard him. He is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I just got really weird. I BS results. Was there a team? All right. So tell us he what career ender will we be breaking down today? We watched the remaining. It's the story of the rapture and the plucky band of heroes that has to deal with the shitty leftover Christians, finish the purge and make the world a better place.

It's a fun story. And Eli, how amazing was this movie? Oh, well, if you love horror movies, but you wish the bad guy was God, you will love this movie. Honestly, if they'd shot Jesus with a flare gun into crystal lake at the end of the night, I would not have been surprised. They would have fit with the rest of the film. Yes. You know what else it is? What is it?

Our Halloween spectacular. Did you do? Did you do the theme music with the wolves? I didn't. I sure did. It was in a minor key with wolves. So now I should say we've been like, people have been asked us to do this forever and we've been putting it off largely

because it's a found footage film, right? Which in the hands of an artless enough filmmaker just means we don't need no stinking tripod. So I didn't want to watch that, but then it turns out that it's not, it's like selectively found footage. Yeah, this is found footage like, because obviously no one who had anything

to do with this film saw Blair Witch Project. That's not the devil. But they were told there was a camera, and that's all they needed to know. It is sometimes its cell phone videos, sometimes it's handcam, but sometimes it's just normal cameras with like weird artsy lighting. It is bizarre to say, believe it. Sometimes it's us watching a handheld of other people making a found footage. It's so fucking weird. Yeah. All right. So I wanted to point this out

too, because I thought this was really funny. I checked this one out on Rotten Tomatoes. This is one of the few movies that we did that actually got a theatrical release. And the positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes included the following descriptors. Fitfully exciting. What? Attiquate. And I should you not again, on a positive review, just bearable. That's the best that the Christian reviewers could say about this one. Okay. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at. Yeah, I'm going to say best worst, enormous camcorder. In 2014, this is a stranger thing. Things.

Yeah, the movie was made in 2014. But one of the characters is carrying around a camcorder. It's the size of an MRI machine. It's a room full of vacuum tubes on a dolly behind it. The tape is just punch cards. They're just punching cards. He's throwing flash powder and exploding bulbs the whole time for lighty shrimp. And it never matters. Again, it's supposed to be footage and it never matters. It's so stupid. So okay. So I was going to go with best worst undifferentiated white guys. Yes.

The, the three central characters in this movie, Dan Jack and Tommy are three virtually identical looking plane lacrosse bros named Brad, right? Yeah. I felt like a Trump supporter watching the wire while I was saying, no, what is that? They changed outfits. You cannot change. I was going by outfits, dammit. Well, and that's the worst thing, too.

They didn't even have the sense to give one of them a jacket and one of them a blue shirt or something, right? They're all basically, because this all starts at a wedding. So they're all basically in their stripped down toxins and shit. So yeah, you can never tell who's what and what's who. I'm going to go with best worst reason the monster will kill you. Now, keep in mind, I have seen the grudge and this movie has the best worst reason the monster will kill you. Not gonna spoil it yet, but I'm just saying, if you ever thought you wouldn't root for a lady faced lion horse locust, you'd be wrong.

You are incorrect. All right, well, I'm going to need some drama. I mean, before we revisit this, Flixer, we're going to pause for a quick break. When we come back, we'll dive into the epileptic vomitarium that is the remaining Eli. Dude, what's the emergency man? Oh, he finally look, look what I got us for our hollet-ween spooktacular. This, this right here, you got us. Yeah. A TV.

No, not just a TV, I call it spook division. No, don't, don't do that. It shows you your deepest fears. Okay, so my deepest fear is a TV with video of me and you on it. No, no, no, no. Here, look, I'll turn on the sound. It's our future. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to the God off of Movies YouTube channel. I'm Heath. And I'm Eli. And we're gamers. After Noah dies, nobody wants to listen to us anymore, so we try to launch a Let's Play channel. Okay, why was your hair dyed pink though? Oh, I lost one of our hot pepper challenges.

I mean, look, it's not great, but you know, it could definitely be a little bit worse than that. And that's why it's called Fat Menism. Ah! Okay, that's why it's called fatminism. AHHHHH! Okay, that's pretty scary. That's... terrifying. Right?

Oop division. Are we gonna do that? We sure are, buddy. Sure are. And we're back for the breakdown and while we're in the production company logos, I'm already thinking, all right, this static lines into camera shit has to go. I was just impressed that a firm film's got one into theaters.

I wasn't even mad. It's like, when that douche from your high school gets married to another douche from your high school. Oh, good for them. Yeah, right. He's wearing a sleeveless t-shirt to the wedding. She's selling her thrive stuff at the bar. It's right, everybody's winning.

So yeah, so we open up on a montage of, G8, we just charming people clips, or at least with these filmmakers thought. They're the worst, the whole time you could tell. They were just like, hey, we're just like the characters from 90210. To a real right. And we're just like the characters from 90210. Right. We're just like the characters in Jersey. Sure.

We're like, I know how I met your mother. We're kind of like the characters. You're my name too. There's, it should be a movie about us like, all the clever stuff we mouthed. All we needed at the end of this montage was for them to have cornered Noah the Eta skeptic convention talking about how they should start a podcast. Just like, do you think it's a good idea? We play football.

Sometimes. Yeah. All right. So now we're going to start up the 11 minute montage of wedding videos that opens this movie because you know what's the most boring thing to look at in the entire world for 11 minutes? Unnated wedding videos full of people you've never met. Anyway, okay. So we're going to open by meeting Tommy and Jack. Those would be the groom's buddies. Yeah. And again, these guys are identical. And the only difference between these wedding videos and, you know, normal wedding videos is that they are nauseatingly badly shot. I will say that. And they're, you know, punch in each

other in the dick because they're friends. Classic move. Ball tap. Yeah. Pants is him at the wedding. Yeah. Yeah. He pants is him for a second second and pants don't just like pull down over fat and bunched up sweaty fabric like that. You can't just like shoot him right down. I don't know. Well, it's not universally true. To be fair, this movie would be way more realistic if he accidentally slipped and pull down his underwear and they both got arrested for indecent. I love that this is footage that we're supposed to like it's supposed to in deer rush to

these characters and it's like, oh my God, they're just douchey frat boys. All right, and then we cut to tongue because the movie is still doing found footage already they fucked it up, but it seems like that's what they're going for. So now Tommy is filming the groom at the urinal, right? Yep. We have the whole thing where they talk about the dangers of monogamy and it turns out that the the brides dad was in the shitter the whole time. It's very clever.

I wanted the father and the guy to be like, shitting right behind them for the rest of the movie. Just in every scene. Every scene. Yes, scholars into some weird shit. She definitely wants to fuck her dad and. I was just shooting in that hospital bed right behind you.

Pull him in a rubbed. They're going through the cars for the medicine later. So I was just shooting in the back seat of that poor thing. I truck right behind you. General, I'm friends with this locust. I feel like it's weird that you shit all these places. All right, but the most important thing in this little exchange is that Tommy says to Danny, I guess he's like, uh, this, uh, love a monogamy coming from

a guy that only joined the church because his wife told him to, and that's when dad shows up out of the, out of the other stall. And what's funny is it's supposed to be the, oh, shit, he heard you say that. But like to me, that I didn't even, at first, it didn't occur to me what he would have said that he didn't want the father-in-law to hear, right? But in this movie's universe, the fact that he only joined the church because his wife told him and he wasn't really a Bible-believing Christian, that was the admission. Really? Like the dad wasn't aware that this kid was obviously just like, all right, I don't care. Yeah, right, right, exactly. It wouldn't even occur to us to think that was an awkward situation, but in Christian movie

writer universe, apparently, it is a real gotcha. Well, what's amazing to me is it makes me feel like this writer has overheard atheist talking a number of times. And as he walked away, thinking, yeah, must have really embarrassed them when a Christian walk through. Right. And then immediately they turned to each other and were like, he still didn't get it. We got it. We got to be less subtle. Every time you think you want an argument, if you're Christian, it was just people being like, man, I don't care. Whatever. Just fuck you. It's not worth it. Yeah. All right. So now it's time for

Dan and Skyler to get married. Don't worry, Christian Skyler is a lady. And I was just so grateful that we had a tripod here because I thought I was going to vomit, but don't worry, I'm still going to vomit. Well, right, because it's the douchey people from your high school getting married. Although we did have some realism here. We had the crying bride who you can't understand during her vows, right? That's, that's real. That she's the daughter from Spy Kids. It was a girl.

We really? Yeah. Yeah. And, and also they, they have the awkward Christian movie kiss. Oh, it's awesome. It's so awkward. Yeah. They kiss like they're both definitely still tripping

on acid. Oh, wow. My mouth is gross. All right. So then we cut to the reception. Tommy is flirting with bridesmaids by filming them, right? Because it's still occasionally found footage now. And they have this amazing moment where the first dance gets interrupted for a wrap break down. And it is the widest thing I have at what it's the set though. Maga Bombers, the widest thing I've ever seen. The second widest thing I have ever seen is them being like, whoa, hip hop music at a formal event. It's like a person of color is here. They wouldn't let any actual ones into this country club, but we brought some music to integrate the rights of Jesus. Yeah, right. So we get that. We get to cut the cake thing. We get everyone praying at the

reception. And it's so weird how they're doing the prayer. Like everybody's like head is down, but they're kind of like dancing back and forth and all like about the prayer this whole wedding. Like like a high school football team doing the prayer before a thing and they're just like, who, huh, huh? They might as well just like jump up and run through a giant piece of paper at the end of it.

And of course, Tommy is filming the prayer because it's still found footage now occasionally. And what he's specifically filming is his friends, girlfriends, boobs. Yep. Well, no, it's a plastic bag. I was filming a plastic bag behind you that I just threw. Yeah. All right. Out of the shot. Thanks. Trying to get this bag. All right.

Now this is going to fucking matter. This girl is Ali. She is Jack's girlfriend and Tommy is in love with her. And that will be a major subplot of this apocalypse. Yeah. Horror movie. Several times throughout this film, it'll be like, Hey, what's

stopped with the horse locusts for a second? Who's she going to choose? Tom or Johnny, whatever, what's their name, Tommy or team Jack. Yeah, but they flirt for a while and, uh, and Tommy, by the way,

is it's not like he's subtle here, right? He starts talking about how she's the greatest girl that he's ever met and everything. Little intimate. Well, he's, he's just like panicky. He needs to relax. He's like flying back and forth between negging this woman and then being super nice. So it's like, I brought you some cake. You're an alcoholic.

Why aren't you blowing anyone under the table? That's what you normally do. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met. Psych joke. You're the worst. Top half of the women. Literally number one. Seriously, look into my eyes. I love you. Take my seat. So weird. So this guy is flirting and winning so bad that heaths like, dude, let me, let me comment on your form here. You're not doing this very well. Like, that's how bad it is.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes, hey, maybe they could hook this guy up with a friend and he could not return her. God damn phone calls. I didn't. It's not what happens. I love you. Oh, all right.

So now we cut to the bouquet toss, right? Where Skylar the bride is going to throw the bouquet very clearly right at Ali, the love triangle girl. I just want to say this movie made me realize that like a full 40% of wedding activities are weird violations of social contract. You're just pushing cake on each other's faces and throwing flowers at your friends. Take like your breeze off. And yeah, like, yeah, that's, yeah, you're right.

You're right. Yeah, weddings are just irresponsible all around. Just the whole thing. I thought as I was watching this movie, I was like, I bet he threes this is just a, like, the dangers of getting married film. Right. Well, not just that they break up a couple, too, like we were about to fight. Yes.

Yes. We have a whispering bib fight in the middle of the way against some realism, a couple having a giant, yelling fight in the middle of a wedding. This is realism. Like, how many relationships get broken up at each wedding on average, like several, I would guess, right? I think I would say more than relationships get solidified. So it's a net good is what we're saying each wedding is a net good. First, you got like more than half the people actually

getting married there to gonna break up, plus the ones that physically break up that it's irresponsible as one saying. Yeah, well, no, it's true. Without marriage, there would be no divorce. All right. So now, cameraman Tommy is in the elevator with Skyler's parents who are very clearly, like, would be fucking in this elevator if Tommy hadn't gotten in, right? And, and put a camera an inch and a half from their faces. Yes. I so wanted a non shaky cam shot of just this guy and inch and a half in the face is feeling so wedding, huh? You guys, you guys still married?

You taking a shit? And just then when you're like something fucking happen already for the fifth time, the old couple falls down dead because in this rapture, it's not just disappearing. It's not just a pile of clothes. You just fucking die. They deal with it in this one. It's awesome. Again, we've seen a lot of raptures, but straight up dead is, first of all, so unintentionally hilarious. We will keep going to it in the film.

But second of all, amazing, because nobody's searching through clothes. They're just like, oh, a T-composite bodies now. You think that's bad etiquette by Jesus? Like, you know, put a calling card on there or something for the people who like you, like, you have everybody stick modder. I don't know. Just like some sign. Who's you?

Yeah. So Tommy gets out of the elevator. Cameras still running. We're still doing found footage selectively. Wouldn't you know what? We've got full wraps are going on outside. Everyone's just running around and screaming. Okay. but here's

the plot that the movie wants us to follow. A full like third of the people at this wedding have just dropped dead women, children, the old, the young, except Tommy is sneaking over to the groom to be like, hey, Skyler's parents are at Day. But there are no room full of corpses trying to hide the fact that Skyler's parents are no longer amongst the living. Yeah, right. The priorities in this film are often a little off. And just then there's an explosion sound.

They run outside and a plane falls on a building. And like 19 other planes fall in their field of view on other buildings. Yes. The movie thinks the sky is just full of airplanes all the time everywhere. And they've all crashed right now. And then there's an earthquake and people start running out of the building. They're running down this stairwell and for no fucking reason. Oh my God, I love this so much.

One dude just falls down in between the stairs. What is his story? I guarantee you that guy just didn't want to wait. I've been on a staircase with you when we've had slow walking tourists in front of us. You would be that guy. Don't you walk. Fuck it. We're all probably going to die anyway. Just

given people angry glances along the way as you're falling down like fucking go. This is why I do this for the space. Yeah. So I and then they're they also have like as they're running like random pieces of brick and shit will fall on people's heads and kill them. And every time someone dies in this movie, you have this, they're not going for humor, but they're getting it feeling, right? Oh, absolutely. The people getting hit by stuff was hilarious. I several times in this movie stopped it and reround just to watch somebody getting

hit by something like one guy looks up at the ceiling for a good minute while the bookshelf lands on the best. And then okay, so they get down to the lobby and that's when the first trumpet sounds and they all have to stop and cover their ears. And I'm like, hey guys, you can run out of a building and cover your ears. I've seen Heath do it when a woman tells them that they love him. It's a fairly simple procedure. Never.

And okay. So now there's a storm and there's lightning and stuff. And in the background, the people are still screaming, right? Like it's repeating haunted house tape levels of screaming throughout this entire scene. And the extras are phenomenal. Look, extras are never great in a movie, but these extras are extra not great. And my favorite is in this scene, just as they're walking out, there is a guy perfectly slowly strolling to the exit right behind the line.

He has been told, don't look at the camera. This is his 97th take. So he's he might as well be like whistling and twiddling his thumbs behind the screaming crying teenagers. Just going for a walk, not looking to my right. But the rest of them are just like watching the like camcorder and being like, okay, well, that guy's camera angle determines the direction of the gravity we're in. So it's like diving back and forth.

But so stupid. Oh, my fucking god. And oh, this is the first time that we get the, what do you think it is? Aliens and then everybody's like, T. He that's way dumber than the actual postulation in this film, right? Stupid, stupid answer. It was a wizard taking all his besties to heaven. Yeah. A book.

A very specific book. Ignorance slot. Yeah. Weirdly weirdly mad about that. We also get the, for no reason, two seconds of security tape footage and the outside of this building. Again, like they, they, they, they selectively do the found footage thing, but put in the immediate scene afterwards, they're walking through town, right? The whole crew of survivors from the wedding is walking through town, and they're not even trying for found footage anymore. No, obviously someone was like, this is hard. My arms tired from jiggling. Go back. We rented the other ones just in case. And look, I'm not complaining. I wish every found footage movie I ever watched gave up on it at a certain point. We watched Tommy run up to the security office and first person grab the tape and the mail it to an editor then run back downstairs.

Yeah. It's for insert. Guys, in case we did it, it's. And this is where Skyler is telling everyone that it's the end of the world, the good people are gone, the bad people left here. And this is where she warns everyone that things are about to get really bad. Yeah. She just escaped from a collapsing building full of her dead friends and she's like, it's

gonna get rough. Trust me. Yes. This is fun in games. And just at that moment, giant hail stones start falling to the ground. And I mean, yeah, comically over like they've angered the Yeti from candy crush, right? I just wrote my notes. Please pan up to James Imhoff on the roof. Please pan up to James Imhoff. It's so silly. And like Dan thinks they're in a snowball fight for a second.

For like way too long, he starts throwing ice balls back at the sky. Yeah. He's a little slow. So they start running from the hailstones. And now it's found footage again while everyone's running. That's just when you want to do that. And they take refuge from the hail in a library, which Lucky for us has flickery lights in it.

Yeah. And Skyler goes off looking for a book. What kind of book? The Bible because it's our Halloween spooktacular. That's what kind of book. Yeah. Yeah. And I love that that they're like, oh, she must have needed reference material to support

the argument she was making. Because when they walk in, they don't know where she is. They're like, okay, let's check the bees. We'll check this. Yeah. All right. So now, oh, and then we have the whole, like, Tommy is walking through the library. We have the, like, earthquake into a corpse moment where the books start fun.

We basically have an earthquake into a corpse meet cute between Tommy and Sam. Don't worry. Sam is also a girl Christian. I like Sam and would like to stay with her. Now I will point out the only reason Sam is in the movie is because obviously someone like miscounted the characters when they got to the third act of this movie and they were like wait Scholars dead alleys doing the Roman. I need one more girl. Right. Yes to say these lines What if they meet her somewhere and never address it again? A library got it Yeah, no, Sam will just walk around through the rest of this movie popping into the camera frame from the side going, I also am in this film. You guys need someone

to say some lines. I got it. I can see some lines who isn't a love interest store dying. Huh? Huh? Right here. But when Tommy first meets her, he handles it exactly like he's me and a cute girl and he just runs away. He's like, I'm doing other, shut run. Right? Just like Hyatt's the end of the world and I'm desperate. I was wondering if I could come with you. Uh, my friend, God, wedding gifts. I'm white.

Damn it. Damn it. You say your race. No, don't say your race. I could guess it. Bro, here we go. Hello. Today.

Everyday. It's a big deal. You say your race no don't say your race. I can guess it Here we go. Hello today every day. It's every Wild card How married no All right, so now they finally do find Skylar and yes, as Eli predicted in his notes before we got there, she was looking for a Bible to prove how stupid this movie's plot was. Nailed it. Christian movie expert. Thank you.

Yeah. If I'm God doing a rapture, I'm erasing the Bible. That's like the fucking answer key. You know, I want people to just feel that you know, they open it up try to figure shit out and just like see fuck you exactly. Letters fell out. Oh man, all it says is no backsees now. Yeah. Right, but to prove how sane she is to her friends, she starts yelling passages from revelation. And I love. I love how everyone reacts to this because she's supposed to be right. Right.

So instead of everyone being like, you're hysterical. They're like, okay, yelling obviously true prophecy is not constructive. I want to give you that note. Now you, you respond how you feel. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Okay. So now they've got to go find Ali.

Right. Ali is the love triangle girl. And Tommy's pretty sure she's at this church. She likes to go to when her and Jack have fights. And so Tommy and Jack have a fight about why his girlfriend is confiding in Tommy instead of Jack. Oh, and the way they try to introduce her Christianity here is my everything. It's just like, yeah, it's just new things she's into. It's called Christianity. Maybe you've heard of it. Pretty founded New York City. Yeah. And the point is that she goes to this church when they have a fight, like a couple's fight. And I wanted to be like, okay, but you know,

it's the apocalypse too. So I feel like this is a factor in her decision making of like where she might go. Maybe not. No, creature habit. Then she's going to Starbucks afterwards. Open, closed, filled with demon locus. She likes her pumpkin spice latte. And then we get my favorite transition from scene to scene in this movie. So for some reason, the person who wrote this script wrote the line, let's get out of here and also wrote more scenes inside this library. So one character goes, we should get out of here and the other one goes, no, we have to stay in the movie. I love it too, because at one point, Sam just steps forward as the group is about to

leave. And she says, there's strength in numbers. I'm a character now. Look at this haircut. They wouldn't waste that. I am a number. That's what we're doing. Yes.

Well, and also the justification is there strength in numbers. So she leaves the huge crowd of people at the library to go with the five people wandering out in the pouring rain. Where by the way, everything is still on fire. That is some persistent fucking fire like credit where credit is due. Yeah. Lots of evenly flaming objects everywhere in the pouring rain. That's a Christian people that died flying

on their tanks of propane that day, apparently. Yeah, flying in general, though, because they come across yet another wrecked airplane here. And of course, a horse drawn carriage. All right. And again, they're not going for silly as fuck, but that's where they lay. You remember that scene in one of the worlds where they, the train comes by on fire and it's going like a hundred miles an hour and shit, it's supposed to be like that, but all they could afford was just a horse-drawn carriage with no guy. Oh, if a guy had just come running up behind them, did you see my horse maybe do something next time?

We're on their way to shelter assholes. There they are. Yeah. And then so as they're walking along by the skyler is praying in case you're not annoyed enough by that character. And I just want to point out all of our notes here are identical. It's please be horse locusts. Bees be horse locusts. And it is in fact

a scorpion horse locusts. Oh, I was so fucking happy. I didn't think they would actually do it. And then I heard a buzzing noise and some wings and I was like, no, fucking way. 166 movies. And we finally got the horse focus. And so and that's something that's okay. So they don't actually show us the scorpion horse, Locus, lions with the crowns, right? They don't actually, we just see blurs and, you know, a stinger or something like that because it's impossible to make the monster from revelation, not look silly,

right? You can't have this. Firstly, because it's three halves. Yeah. All right. But secondly, you know, because this movie has good special effects. So you know they were in like miracle magic studios or one of those major studios, there's SFX.

And some guy came in with a Bible and he was like, so a body of a lion and some nerd at a computer was like, uh-huh, got it. And he was like, face of a lady. And he's like, oh, that's actually pretty scary. Locust, you can't what? I just said the word like small or whin. And then scorpion tail. And he was like, okay, what I have, put a crown on it.

Put a crown on it. Oh, a crown. Okay, yeah, this is the silliest thing I've ever created and I worked on Avatar. So I quit. I quit. No, it was so sad because you could imagine that happening and then having to like back off

and back off and eventually land on, what about blur? Yeah, yeah. Guess I'm gonna go with blur. I don't want to get clovered feel in here. Let's go with blur. Whenever we put it on the screen, it goes, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, there's not any program that just happens. The computer does it. The computer put that noise in. It's so silly. So yeah, so they're walking along. One of them goes like,

did you hear that? And then Skyler, the bride gets taken by the scorpion horse locusts. She gets raised up at like six feet in the air and dropped and twists her ankle because of the apocalypse torture that's now happening. Yes. So stupid. So the grab Skyler, they run into the church and we noticed that after the scorpion locus attack They've turned her Bible to dust the scorpion horse locus have So they are erasing them like he suggested I just I just love that her husband whatever his name is is like who was that Who was that and I was like this guy's pretty sure terrorists just grabbed his wife and stabbed her with their tail. But after buzzing by them several times. Yeah, so they get to the, they find Ali at the church. She was there

and so Jack and Tommy each get a hug because love triangle. It's amazing. He's like, hey, where's everyone else? Oh. Yeah. Dead under five. Yeah. I'm going to lead with heaven. That's okay, because the pastor is going to find nurse Rachel and she is pretty good with horse-locust wounds. Let me tell you.

Yeah. Yeah. It's got to be an awkward moment when you meet a pastor in this rapture situation. Just like, Oh, you're a pastor, huh? Not a very good one. So like, Pennsylvania pastor. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So they, they take Skyler to see Nurse Rachel about her scorpion horse locust wounds. And the nurse, I love this. She looks at the wound and she says, that looks like a stab wound, which would seem like

a dumb observation to make, right? Except that you can't really tell what they were going for with that makeup until she does. And you're like, oh, stab, I see it. I see it. I actress leaned on a table with some Ben Nion and they were like, ah, you know what? That's your wound now. That's your wound. I really wanted to keep going. Okay. Would you say what attack do is more of a horse or a locust or would you say that's a pretty even split line?

Right in there. So apparently though, when she fell from five feet up when the local striped her, it broke both of her arms or dislocated both of her shoulders. It's located both of her shoulders. So her husband is supposed to distract her while the nurse relocates her sockets. Yes. Yes. So he's going to he's going to distract her with tight memories from a bad writer. Yes. Yeah. So he's gonna, he's gonna distract her with trite memories from a bad writer. Hey, hey, let's not focus on the wound that's being treated wedding. Right?

That was today. Crack. Sorry, sorry. Hey, other fun memory. Remember when both your arms got dislocated by the horse's loust stupid. Any other memory, but the old McDonald had a one. On the phone. He had cartilage. Sorry. Oh, stupid. And don't say cartilage.

He had a crunching noise. Fuck. Okay. And I've got to say, I'm honestly, I'm surprised. I expected to see this in Heath's nose too. The nurse sets her left shoulder and then says, and now to the left side and then goes around to her right shoulder. Yes.

It's pretty amazing. Stage left. I liked that the locused pick drop dropped on one shoulder and then picked up. Yeah. That's how do you do that? All right. So just in case this movie wasn't already annoying enough with the selective found footage thing, the pastor character is hitting the same

piano key over and over again in another room. I really want to Tommy walks up at this point. I want to sit down and just be like, oh, heart and soul down, put down, put down. No, we could have saved this movie. 20 minutes later, everybody's going crazy like, oh, heart and salt down, put down, put down. No, we could have saved this movie. 20 minutes later, everybody's going crazy on sweet Caroline together. You're good time. Again, this is supposed to be like the, so the preacher finally tells us what's going on scene, but he's just doing the single key thing. So Tommy's got to be like, Hey, looks,

looks like you got a thing going on. Can I interrupt you? There are eight or nine keys in that song. All right. So yeah. And then the pastor tells him like, he's like, do you know what's going on in the pastor's? Like, yep, it was the rapture. And then he says, and I quote, we're all presented with the same evidence. It's just up to us to decide what to do with it. Now. Yeah. You know, as the evidence before was a book and people like you, right? Yeah, which didn't even manage to convince you

pastor that's still here after the rapture. And like, but also like, let's not glaze over the fact that the implication here in this movie is, yep, the people who don't share my religion, sure, deserve to get raped to death by demons. Absolutely. Again, this movie is so torn between showing main characters were supposed to like being tortured by demons and the fact that they believe that's a good thing. And in fact, their God's plan. So it's like, ah, that sure was scary, but, but deserved. Yes. She did not his girlfriend people. And then of course, like the Tommy has to go, you sure? Cause like I was thinking aliens, like don't break any of the laws of physics. And the pastor has to say chuckle, chuckle, chuckle aliens.

Really aliens, dude, it's a sky warlock born before time idiot. What are you talking about? You shit together. Oh, and then we have the scene where a bunch more survivors come in, one of which is a woman in the late stages of labor. Yes. And I just wrote in my notes, that baby better be dead or Mike Pence is going to be so mad. Yeah. And we get what is possibly the best line in the movie here, right? Which is, the baby comes out and the nurse goes, it's a boy. It's dead.

It's dead. Yes, right. I feel like you start off with the dead. How should I have said that? It was a boy. Never mind. Try to lead him. Never mind.

And that's followed by the mom being like, can I hold him please? And the nurse being like, okay, good news and bad news, good news. Yes. You can hold him. Yeah. You can fucking dunk him in a basketball. Who the fuck you want? In fact, there's usually a whole bunch of rules about what you can't do right now, but they are out

the window. Crazy. Take some selfies. Dip it in the river sticks. So now, so now, luckily, though, they have just the right place to bury a dead baby in their church. Oh, I wrote my notes. We were using this for victims of molestation and it just kind of worked out. Yes.

Stay away from that corner. It's taken. But other than that, pulls out a little card catalog drawer. Oh, no, no, no one's full. Okay. There we go. We got a spot for you. So, yes.

So they're digging a grave for the baby and Tommy, it's Tommy in the pastor and Tommy's like, Hey we go. We got a spot for you. So yes, so they're digging a grave for the baby. And Tom, it's Tommy in the pastor. And Tommy's like, hey, man, why would your God kill all those people? And the pastor's like, no, no, you just took them to heaven. See, our whole thing is that killing people is sometimes a good thing. Hold on, wait, rephrase.

And Tommy's response, he's like, no, no, no, he just took their souls. And Tommy's like, he's like, no, no, he just took their souls. And Tommy's like, come on, man, you know, you know that means dead. So, like in a hole. But when he says that baby in his in heaven now, I really want to see what baby heaven looks like. Well.

What's up? Who wants a bottle? Who wants that?? Look at that! An infinitely spinning mobile! Hey guys, what's up? What are you doing in baby heaven? Dude, bottles, naps, this is my jam. You serious?

I mean, but does it regular heaven have, like, sacks and art and music and stuff. Yeah, yeah. But did you guys see the mobile? It's spinning. It's spinning. I mean, yep, it is. Look at it go. It's spinning still. Still spinning.

I mean, if it's spinning, that's... It's spinning. There you go. He said it please. Yep. But okay, so the pastor spinning, that's, that's spinning. There you go. He said, please.

Yep. But okay. So the pastor though, he knew it was the rapture. As soon as he heard that first trumpet, see guys, that's what we were doing with those sounds. They were trumpets. And I love how Tommy's like, I missed that. All consuming noise that covered the earth in a dark terrifying sound?

You know what I had ear buds in? So I probably would be like, I was inside a big building. So you know, I love the angry digging by the pastor. Oh, that was great. Where he's just like the reason I didn't get raptured despite being a fucking pastor for 30 years. Apparently I didn't express my emotions enough, my relationship with Jesus, hard to do

it over text sometimes, the tone and the text isn't clear. We had a relationship. Oh, yeah. But also, let's again, let's not glaze over the fact that according to their mythology, the raping to death by the demon locusts is also deserved. If you say all the stuff you're supposed to say, do all the stuff you're supposed to do and agree with them every time they say something, but don't really mean it though.

That seems like a weird way to make a living. It's just like doing all the priest stuff. And Jesus said in his head, he's just like doing all the priest stuff and Jesus said and his head is just like bullshit Well, there's a lot of pastors making their living that way and also I love to by the way Just like Danny comes in at this point. He's like guys. I know you're having a whole theological discussion, but I Have to hold the dead baby Dig in the whole you mind just hey Hey, hey, dead baby coming in, you got a catch. It's coming in. There we go.

Okay, new system. We bring all the babies. We make a pile. You guys are being ridiculous. Just use it. Can't talk your way through that. All right. So now we get we get hubby looking over the wedding videos for

Lornley, Danny. You remember today? Good times, right? get we get hubby looking over the wedding videos for Lornley, Danny. You remember today? Good times, right? Yeah. And then basically him and Jack are trying to decide what the plot of the movie should be from here. It's the maze. Like what do you want to do?

Like you're going to return the wedding gift. Are you keeping to do? Like, you're going to return the wedding gift. He's keeping those anyway. And, oh, yeah. So basically the discussion they're having here is like, one guy saying, like, what are you saying that we can, we should just stay in this church and he's like, oh, we're going to throw money away on more exterior shots, Willie Nilly. But just then though, they hear a guy getting raped to death by a scorpion horse locus just outside. They're like, okay, so we can, we bought ourselves some

interior time there. I think it's genuinely like a beat from a comedy because he's like, I think we should leave. Oh my God. Yeah, inside, yeah, inside two votes. Great. Inside. Yeah, you heard that. There's a guy getting sexually assaulted by a Stephen King demon flying scorpion. And we've got Jim Baker bucket. Oh shit. Just smash his head through the door. Take it away again. Take me.

Worth it. All right. And now, of course, we've get the obligatory if you're watching this selfie video from Tommy. And again, it's about the love triangle. Yes. It is the end of the world. This guy thinks he is making a video for future generations to piece together how the

apocalypse took place and he stops to tell Ali he's always had a crush on her. Yes. What I love to they start off doing the selfie video, but then Sam shows up. And she's like, no, we have phones now. And she does the same thing. She starts shooting him, shooting himself, doing the for Allie. It's so good. Which by the way, we're watching from another camera. Yeah. With the third camera setup. Yeah.

He's like, Allie, if you're watching this, I love you more. And Jack, she's like, Tommy, if you're listening to me say this from a few way, you're being weird and wide. It's helpful. you're being weird and wise. That's helpful. Yeah. So she takes his selfie video for him, which doesn't make sense. But yeah. So she's, but she's going to keep it with her in case, you know, he dies. He can show, she can show it to Ali. I'll give her a note that says, do you like me? Yes.

Right. No, maybe I'm dead, but I wanted to know. All right. So now the, the, everyone in the church shelter is watching the news. I love this fucking bit. This is the best bit of this whole movie. The whole movie is worth watching just for this, because the news is showing videos of different people getting raptured. And again, like it's just people suddenly falling over.

Okay. All the kids dying simultaneously at the basketball game was hilarious. If we were making a God awful movies, Christian fake Christian comedy, this shot just stays in the movie. The kid shoots the basketball and the camera pans up and it pans back down and the kids are all dead and the dad's like, uh, oh, I guess that means it time out. Oh, it definitely happens like between a kid throwing a pass and a kid not being able to catch it and it just hits him in the face. Yeah, no, that would be a little better.

Yeah, but then they have the one at the diner where everybody falls over and the guy passes out of his drill. Yeah. That guy gets up to heaven. He's just like, look, look, what's happening to my face? Jesus, you couldn't have made me fall backwards. No, sorry. Right.

The, the, the newscaster is explaining how they're, they're calling it instant death syndrome or death. But it made me think like now I want to see a rapture that gives everybody like a super slow death of like debilitating MS and emphysema and like really slow death. All right. Well, you can get that at the Walmart here in Wakecross. So I can also doing this little montage of video footage. There's a dog and I thought the dog was going to die and that would have been the best. If it had just been like, up, all dogs go to heaven

and the dog just rolls over and plays dead. Just one gay dog runs up like no, I'm good. No, no, oh, all right. So now Jack and we get Jack and Ali making up right from the fight that they had at the way. I love the balls on this writer to think that we are invested in this relationship. And the lighting choice here is so weird. They're backlit in this orange room. It's like the sex scene in sex lies and videotape. It is a bizarre choice for the middle of this orange. Yes. They're about to fuck up there.

And then like a locust flies in, starts holding both their hands like, all right. And okay, so we cut away from that and we watched, Sam is now watching video of her mom's surprise birthday party, which is where she was when the rapture happened apparently. Also we learn here that Sam's allergic to peanut butter, that will never matter to the movie despite the fact that they're like remember Sam's allergic to me.

Yeah, it's a weird. She needed a trait, they thought she had to let her haircut and a trait. Was that just a passive aggressive thing to the people at crafty? Like they had Sam which is one day and she was like, you know what, that's in the movie now. I want to tie food. But this is where they're like, you know, Tommy or Danny or whoever the fuck he goes, well, why are you still here on the earth though?

You're a good person. And she says, I'm a good person, but not a churchy good person. Yeah. This movie accidentally wrecking its own conceit. Yeah. Cause all the Christian viewers are supposed to go like, and that's what you get, bitch, raped by horse locus demons. You give her being a good person, but, but according to slightly different building

attendants than me, what? Trying to pay for my mom's cancer treatment and I worked a Friday shift that went past sundown by a little bit. I do deserve this. Right here scorpion horse locust Brett Kavanaugh's face. All right, so now we get some more news footage of unusual weather patterns. The weather, the fucking newscaster goes, whatever you do, stay inside because we kind of blew our exterior

budget early. We got a couple more, but it appears the clouds have spelled out, this is the rapture you idiots, more on what that means, and 11. Yeah. And we also learn from these clips that all the whales are dead. What the fuck?

Because the whales love their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We all had something here about what the whales got raptured. Do why is that video in here? Just one whale with a Yamaha getting chased by a whale. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a humpback. So, good over to God with a pile of dead whales on the moon. Just chocolate himself. All right, I did not think this all the way through.

All right. All right. All right. So now we cut back to Jack and Ali. So Jack can propose to Ali, but right before he does, that's where the real tension in the movie Tommy runs in and he's like, I saw you were going to, eh, you were going to propose to her and that would fuck up the love triangle. So, uh, a good thing I got here in time.

It's the most awkward cock block ever. Just like, hey, uh, what about them horse locusts, right? You guys watching the horse locusts right? You guys watching the horse locusts? Yeah, he's like, hey, man, you got to see this footage I just found. So this is, okay, this is the compromise for how they were going to get their scorpion horse locusts into the movie, right? Cause he's like, you can't see it. They move too fast.

But if I slow this down and I just show you this one still frame, we can show this angle that looks kind of creepy. A horse look stole my photo look and I am super resentful. Yeah. But like, how does that help that we've now frozen on this frame, Tommy? I don't see how it's helpful to like, can we dox that we've now frozen on this frame, Tommy? I don't see how it's helpful to it. Like, can we dox them now? What are you doing?

Well, you're not the two of you aren't fucking. Are you? I love it because he's like, can we fight them? And he's like, ah, man, they're demon locusts. He's like a punch of demon in the dick. You think they got a lot of sensitivity? You got any cherry. It's a vine. Yeah, but right. And by the way, the pastor at this point comes in right

while they're looking at it. And they're like, what is that? And he starts quoting revelations. The part that talks about the scorpion horse locus, but he leaves out the parts that make that sound silly as fuck. Right. He's like selectively quoting that. He just spoke in ellipses. He's like, and they will rain from the sky. Mm. Yeah. Yeah. And tails of scorpions.

Mm. All right. So meanwhile, we cut back to Skylar. She's not getting any better, even though nurse ratchet has done all she can. But it's okay because the nurse has antibiotics, you know, in the back of her car. Oh, good. You got antibiotics back there. Cool.

Is it the kind that fixes magical apocalypse demon poison or regular antibiotics from earth? Cool. Yeah. So yeah, they have to get all the way to the parking edge of the parking lot and back before she, if they're going to save her with the antibiotics. I wanted the nurse so badly to be like, Hey, when you get the ignore the dildos, those were fucking I'm not getting into heaven. Those are for my butt. Those are for my butt. But I don't need those. All right. And also, okay. So there's this weird moment where all the guys are like, you know, the one guy's like, I'll go, she's my wife and the other guy's like, I'll go

with you. And then Jack comes up and does the no, I'll get the check. Oh, you were saying you would get it. Were you saying you would get the check before I did it. I'm reaching for my wallet. What? So yeah, so Danny and Tommy are going to go out there. Jack's going to stay behind just in case Allie needs fucked apparently. And now it's time for my favorite character in the movie, casually looting apocalypse survivor. Yeah. As if this movie wasn't already silly enough these guys are creeping through this horror movie in Perfect style and they come up on a guy who's just like hey, you guys see all this free shit Free shit everywhere. It's fucking great. I mean horse locust, but am I right? The best they ever I got two big screen TVs so far too

It's like Sam Harris. I'm into Sam Harris. I'm an atheist looter. So yeah, so he's got the, and they discovered this through the car alarm, right? They hear the car alarm and they look up and they're like, oh, it's a looter. The scorpion horse locus haven't learned to drive for hot wire cars. What were we supposed to think it was? All right. So then they make it to the van with the a moxasillin in it. And for whatever

reason, one guy goes for the a moxasillin, the other guy turns on the radio. Quick, quick, quick. It's they're giving away $500 at five o'clock. I'm just going to be calling because the earth ended. Let me just do this. So yeah. But instead of that special going on, they get the crazy AM conspiracy Christian guy on the radio. Luckily, they turned it out at the beginning of that sentence, just Michael Savage, see, see. Basically, he might as well turn on Noah doing a diatribe while getting raped by like, yeah, okay, well, this does seem a lot like what the Bible says, but it's, it's, it's, it's face paranoia is what's happening.

Yeah, but just then just as Dan finds the amoxicillin, the windows start breaking in and there's all scorpion, a horse locust on the roof. They literally have a scorpion horse locust is right behind me, isn't he, moment? Stupid locust. They'll never get us in here. Just taps on the window. Would you believe me if I said I was talking about a different scorpion horse. That's right. Oh, yeah. He starts washing the windshield, asking for a tip. No, go away. Yeah. But so just as they were about to die, they're doing the whole Jurassic Park, the heightened

from the dinosaur thing, just then that atheist looter from before shows up and he's like, the power of grace compels you and the horse locust is like, not really. No, I'm going to eat you. So, but, but well, the scorpion horse locust is eating that guy, Dan and Tommy managed to run back to the church. And I, they get back and the nurse is like, oh, perfect, perfect. Let me grab that, let me grab that a moxasull. But I wanted her to be like, ooh, I told you to get the brand name, the Neo Sporan. Generic stuff does not work on. I'm mirrored.

You didn't happen to grab a dildo while you were there. We are in this church for a while and no one is giving it up. So much for a last man on earth. I'm a buried a bunch of babies while you were gone. Ha ha ha ha ha All right. Well, with all that thrilling excitement, I guess we're going to need a pause to catch our breasts.

But first, let me give you a act three of the hard sell here. We'll lose send and notice if I eat all the kit cats before Halloween. Will I have time to replace them with another bag? Oh, Jesus is this movie still going? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the nauseous conclusion of... The Remaining. Oh, what the hell Eli, did you buy another TV?

No, I don't turn that on, that's my smoke division. And in other news, the website 538 is attributing President Donald Trump's second term to an internet radio show. That's right, Mitch. According to Nate Silver, Trump's decisive win is due to a podcast called the Skaving Atheist was 20 minutes late and an hour and four seconds long. Trump has announced his plan to appoint historian David Barton to the Supreme Court, saying, I trust his face, he's a good guy.

No! Barton to the Supreme Court saying, I trust his face. He's a good guy. No. Halloween's spectacular. Don't call it that. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left our heroes. They were cow-worn from exterior shots in a church. And now we're going to rejoin them late that night while Tommy desperately tries to make a found footage movie out of it after all. You guys want to do a real world confessional? Feel like basically, yeah. Allie, you want to confess anything? Do you love anyone?

You want to? Yeah, but she's like, I'm not ready for a confessional just yet. That's more of an end of the movie type thing. Okay, cool. Jack, you you want to do one? Wasn't really aiming for you. I want to Jack to start his and you'd be like, okay, cool You know what? We should probably save battery or something We got the chest up, but that's fine, dude I murdered a homeless guy for fun every year on birthday and somebody else go Okay, Jack's done his thing.

But again, this is about them fighting over Ali. And there's this amazing moment where Jack steals Tommy's camera and points it at him and he's like, say it. Just say it. And I want him to be like, fine, I'm glad one direction broke up. They were uproading the brand. Do you happy? Are you happy? They're not on a break. Everyone knows they're not on a break.

Right, but they're fighting about the stupid fucking love triangle that we're supposed to care about. And they end up having this like one armed fight because one of them has to hold each enormous camcorder at all. It's like it's a grenade. So like, it was just like, okay, one handed fight, no hitting faces. Let's fucking do this. I don't know for this. The camera. We trade the camera every third move. But then they go for that silly movie trope where two characters are fighting. And then the one guy says the profound thing

that stops the fight, but they don't have a thing for him to say. I don't know where, I don't know where Daniel, the guy who got married, right? Or he was about to get married. He's just like Kate Murphy and everything stops just like what? I'm going to want to be impactful. You guys are all, you were all taught. I haven't been in the movie for a while. I got a, I got a, a hojo.

Oh yeah. Now that I think about it, your thing was bigger. I feel like it's my, yeah. So he's going to confess about this time that he cheated on Skylar, the woman that he just married earlier today after a football game. And he ends it with, I shit you not. He turns to his unconscious demon-raped wife and goes, you guys think I should tell her? No, I think not literally the worst possible time to tell her. I cannot think of a worst time in this girl's life that you maybe in the actual wedding vows.

Yeah. All right. Good news, bad news. Good news. Cheated on you. It's worse than that that there are demons trying to kill us that fly. So feel like, feel like I soften. Low. Now you're like, you're like a soft and low.

Now you say you forgive me. So then we get a little bit more of all the shelter folk watching TV again, that a little bit more news real footage they wanted to use, I guess. If you pointed this out in your notes, everyone begins every scene by turning to them and going, Hey, you okay? Exactly. And you know, nobody should ever say that during movies, their moments, by turning to them and going, hey, you okay? Yeah, exactly. And you know, nobody should ever say that during movies, their moments like this, just like no asking how people are doing during.

What a third of the population just dropped dead and the rest of them are being raped to death systematically by horse locusts. But the news guy says the dumbest thing to he's like, oh yeah. So if you are unable to survive under your current conditions, do anything different. You're dying. That I said, that I said, that would mean. It was like he goes, everyone stay inside unless you're unable to survive under your current conditions, in which case, don't really fucking matter. I mean, I'm out of window, but you're dying already, whatever you want to do. The more you know, it's the point.

Right. Um, but then, okay, so we check on Skylar and it turns out that the, uh, a moxus cylinder, they work so hard to get isn't helping with the infection. Yeah. She needs some anti venom for the black spider web slowly crawling out from the wound. Yeah. Neosporans not working on the demonic venom weird. Okay. Shocker. He's like, are we, are you telling me we did an exterior shot for nothing? And there's this amazing moment where everyone's talking about what they're going to do in the

foreground and Sam goes over. Member Sam, to do in the foreground and Sam goes over. Remember Sam, she's in the movie. Sam goes over and is like 10 and I wanted so badly for Sam to like snap her neck out of mercy and be like, cool. So, Stay in the church. I am allergic to peanut butter. He's anybody who's been giving me a peanut butter sandwich. Don't. I think I'm gonna be in about a sandwich, don't. All right.

So then the groom, Dan, decides that he's gonna take his wife to the hospital, dammit. And then they argue about whether they should wait until the sun comes up since that would be easier to light, I guess. And just then the pastor decides he needs to talk to everybody, right? All right. We'll go during the day. There there won't be a later part of this movie that relies on the dark to be scary, right? No, no, don't worry about it. This we're going to establish that this is during the day, excessively right now, so that if we need to be in the dark later, it will make no sense. Cool.

Let's go see what the pastor wants. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So the pastor gets it, gathers everybody together. Now before he goes out and talks to the congregation, he specifically brings Dan aside and he's like, I want to Christianize you especially. Well, he's wearing a hoodie and listening to your buds.

So when he pulls him aside and he says, you wanted to see me, I thought the pastor was going to be like, yes, would you like to have a rap battle? I've gone crazy and would like to have a rap battle. So like Dan says to the pastor, he's like, so what are you going to do? He's like, I'm going to go out there and be a pastor, like for realsies this time. Q music, brown, brown, brown. All right, so he goes out to the congregation and pasts the fuck out of those people, right? And honestly, I wanted this little sermon to begin.

Okay, everyone hear me out. I know you're a little mad at God right now, but hear me out. As Matthew said, look at me. I wanted him to get deep blue seed by a horse. Look at that. I was given the entire movie. Also, if you use the baby shovel, wipe it down when you're done. We're all civilized here and shark. Yeah. Right. But during his little speech, he's going like,

I was like you people. I needed some kind of tangible evidence. And that's why I deserve to get raped to death by Scorpion horse locust like you. And dramatic strings come up and just then at the dramatic high point of the speech, just as you're thinking, hey, this would be the time to deep blue CM, the scorpion horse locust start hammering on the door. Yeah, the horse locusts are like counterpoint roar. Yeah. Right. And he goes, everyone run to the basement.

It's a horror movie. So they do. We bought this night vision thing. Come on. Yeah, exactly. Oh, God, yes, then we get the night vision in the basement moment. So Tommy has night vision on his old timey flash bulb Right. So we're watching. Yeah, I wanted a flash cut to him buying the camcorder so bad. The guys like, all right. Now this one here. It's got night vision. You think you may have a might be trapped in a basement in the apocalypse. I think I might just want to shoot a scene of Rachel running towards the basement door and getting attacked by a

demon that I can't afford to render without it looking goofy. So yes, let me go with that one. So yeah, and we actually see that, of course, that Rachel, the nurse character, she's running towards the door. She's the last one in, but then she gets grabbed by a scorpion horse, locus that's just out of sight in the darkness. Amazing. Also, by the way, apparently his night vision has static occasionally. Also, what was the, what was the pastor's thing here, right? Because they're all in the basement. There's a scorpion horse locus fucking around at the door. And he's like, I'm gonna go out there and kick its ass, right?

He goes, it's here for me. And that's what I realized that the horse locus are only here for people who believe in cheese. Oh, right. Yes. Yeah. That's right. They went after Skyler because she was holding the Bible and praying.

Yeah. They went after Nurch Rachel because she was praying. And now the pastor knows that they're here for him. Oh, that's awesome. Okay. So now we cut to the next morning. And Tommy's pretty sure it's safe to open the door now because he's pretty sure the scorpion horse, Locus demons can only travel by night. He walks out with a citronella candle. I wanted him

to turn the corner and the horse Locus is smoking a cigarette. Oh, this was my first break. It's dumb now if I zoop you. The worst horse locus just starts slowly clapping, just like there you go. Okay, not sure why I did the slow clap. I'm going to rape you guys now. Yeah. Right. So, okay.

So the team walks slowly towards a pop scare that never comes, right? And then we see like apparently the scorpion horse locus kicked that pastor's ass all over the church, right? Like he wasn't dead outside the door. They had laid his body upon the altar. Well, I just love the idea that the horse locus put him there to mess with people. This, eh? Balthazard. Balthazard, come look what I did.

Oh, dude, you're fucking gross. Right? What is digging it's now? Hey, Ackibus. Yeah. Object this out. What? What is it? Oh, come on, man. Come on. Why do we even bring you the worst? Hey, Akebus! Yeah. Object this out. What? Look at this. What is it? Oh, come on, man. Come on. Why do we even bring you the worst?

Hey, you guys think you'll get into heaven? Or does this count as being gay? So gross. Dude, we're supposed to kill the believers, man. Just kill and torture. You're making this weird. Ah, come on. Don't get your crown tilted.

Don't get your crown tilted. I'm gonna locust. Oh And also we should point out to reinforce Elyse Point all the Bibles have been burned ash so yeah the no more cheat notes Let me let me throw something out there Hashtag team horse locust Let me let me throw some out there. Hashtag team horse locust. Right. Okay, so after several minutes of slowly creeping through a church with nothing happening,

they walk outside where nothing will creepily happen for a while. And they get to the hospital, right, because they're getting the anti venom for Skylar. And there are people in the waiting room. Yep. Just waiting for their number to be called. Oh, I just, but any minute now, but this is bullshit. When I get in there, I'm going to tell them they need a new online check-in system. All right, so they're in the hospital looking for a doctor.

Right. And this is when Ali decides that her and Tommy need to discuss their relationship. Yeah. Really want to, want to spend some more time on that thread. Tommy, about what you said before, what are your thoughts on biodynamic farming? Dying person. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no giant syringe in a glass case, just like some apocalypse poison. Well, yeah, and because they say at one point that they're looking for a doctor, but then they're looking in drawers and shit, it would have been, it would have been helpful to have established some goal of their searching around. So if they go in search of the anti horse locust venom, And this is where Jack and Tommy go upstairs in the hospital, which exists in perpetual night. Right? As Eli was in earlier, we make a whole big deal out of how, okay, but this, this next scene will happen during the day. And then they get

to the second floor of the hospital and it's pitch black. Well, and you know, that's because they tried to film this scene. They were like, okay, daytime shoot everybody. Okay, there's pretty obviously not anything in this closet. I can see. Yeah. Well, the windows are closed. Right.

Right. So they're creepily walking around looking for who knows what we cut back to to Sam and Ali and and dying Skylar so that Sam can be like, you know what, atheists say about death in Dorfans. It's the best. Sam's like, you know, I heard that that white light you see is just a bunch of endorphins being released into your brain. And Ali's like, yeah, well, you know, my friend just got attacked by a demon on video. So I'm going to pass on that, Mike. But thank you. Thank

you for your. They're nice and both have a theory. Or maybe it's a sign of God's existence you bitch. Yeah. All right. Also, that's not what the light is. There is anyway. So Jack and Tommy are upstairs. They're going to pause to talk about girl trouble. And just then everyone hears scorpion horse locusts. Horse horse horse. So lion lion lion. This takes a while.

They're going to cross scorpion stingers, stingers, stingers. Okay. Crown. They're just scorpion stingers, stingers, stingers. Look, steep and in face, face, face. All right. So, so they're looking for the demon sutures or whatever. And Jack goes like, did you hear that? And Tommy's like, oh, I thought that was the soundtrack to be honest. It's not really distinguishable from just the background noise. He's like, no, no, that's in the movies.

Like, oh, fuck, we're screwed now, right? And then, oh, and then they find a dead guy who is repeatedly thumping against a door for reasons they don't explain. What is supposed to be happening there? He's like a, he's like a fucking, what's the thing that wobbles, but it doesn't fall down. He's like that, except for opposite. He's supposed to be being blown by the wind. I don't know. Hang himself, but they forgot the news like the day came to shoot his scene. He was, all right, here he goes. But big hangin scene.

They were like, so about rope. I'm gonna blew the budget on an experiment with the horse locus that didn't play out. So if you're just sort of bobbin around back there. It makes no fucking sense. Well, yeah, I guess after all of this walking around looking for a popsicle, they had to give them something so they went with dead guy repeatedly thumping against a door. All right, and then we get Skyler waking from her scorpion horse, locus sting fever just long enough to confess that she didn't really believe in Jesus until now.

Oh, I wanted so badly for Dan to be like, Hey, I got a hand job after the Yule ball. Sorry, I just thought of it earlier. She's like, don't worry about it. Monogamy is slavery blaze. Well, she does. She says, I forgive you for everything I heard you when you were talking about that, right? Oh, is that what I could not understand a word she fucking said in this? I think she like she was saying, like, I forgive you when when you were talking about how

you got that heat earlier, I could hear you. I've now forgiven you. And I wanted to be like, hold on, just wait right there for a minute. I got to show Ali something. Okay. I'll be back. I said, I'm forgiven for everything. Great. That's where we landed. That's still count. All right. And I forgive you for that thing with the horse locust. We're for your hall pass. Put a apocalypse demon on it, but fair, fair, fair.

And again, when Skylar dies, there's absolutely supposed to be this like, we're really sad moment, but my notes are just, no, not Skylar. I've become so attached to her qualities of, she's from blonde, spike kids. She was in spike kids. Yeah. And also I want to point out that according to the Bible, you don't die from the scorpion horse locus sting. You can't die. In fact, you stay in payment forever. This movie isn't realistic. Exactly. If the rest of the movie was just like a long ethics debate with Skyler about euthanasia, like, because you're supposed to want to die, but you know what, you can't get killed by them. I'd be back on board if they just argued,

like, okay, good point. No, good point. Counterpoint, I feel like I'm consumed in a fireball. Yeah. And there's also this moment where after she's dead, he gives this like long kiss and I just wrote in my notes, hey, how long can you kiss your dead wife before it's necrophilia?

I just think pretty much right away is fight. I feel like he can give like a forehead, but lips were, I'm weirded out. Yeah. I feel like you get a month, right? Jesus. Okay. So we have the extremes.

Yeah. We have a range to work with. Alright. Okay. First offer. Go ahead. So now we get Ali praying over Skylar's body, and Dan gets all pissed.

He's like, how could you go on loving a God that would rape my wife to death with Horde Scorpion Locus? And we're supposed to be going like, oh, now Dan. Come on. Like, let's back off the rhetoric here. So Dan goes outside to challenge God to a fist fight. Yep. Yep, he's yelling at God. Like he's challenging him to a fucking brawl outside of Denny's

Like they definitely had to cut some ethnic slurs from that little shit Hey, man, don't say don't say kike not in the script Feeling it method I'm sorry, sorry, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just that during this scene. Well, what you missed was a giant miles long sky tentacles spearing Dan through the heart and dragging him into the sky, like in the Bible. Right. And so the daytime thing doesn't matter. Like before they were saying, like, oh, maybe the locus are nocturnals. So now we can go out during the day. No. Yeah. There's, there's kind of hungover in the day. Yeah. Exactly. Take some a little longer, I guess. I don't know. So Tommy, speaking of which, Tommy and Jack run back into the day

time, but, but they can't find Allie and Sam. So they, they, they, they start wandering around again, looking for a pop scare. All the people that were waiting in the waiting room are dead now. Yep, but luckily there is a breadcrumb-esque trail of blood and evidence that yes, that's a video of what the movie wanted to show us. Yes, exactly. Yeah, Tommy finds Sam's phone and watches footage of them getting scorpion horse locust. But now, so Ali is dead. She got scorpion horse locust to death. Sam is still alive.

Jack would like to stay with Ali's dead body because he goes to the heath school of how long it's okay. At least a day. Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, and there's this amazing moment because there were both in love with Ali and the movie forgot to resolve that conflict where Jack is holding her and weeping and Tommy comes over and he's like, Hey, can I hold her and weep to my love interest as well?

It's kind of maybe just the three. No, okay, I'll tell you what, we'll take your turns. We'll take your turn. How long have you been weeping? I just want to know how long? Stop holding your head. You stopped. Stop. I'm taking my dick out. Well, this is happening. And that's the thing though, right? Like the movie really plays it like Jack's like, dude, I'm going

to fuck her one more time while she's still warm. But Tommy won't take a hit. He's like, no, I just want some more alone time with her body. Tommy, go away. But Tommy says, no, I'll stay with you as long as it takes. Maybe it'll be nighttime again, and it'll be creepier when we leave. So yeah, but eventually they agreed to stay at the hospital until it's dark and creepy again.

And then they go to an unspecified location as though they were video game characters forever destined to scroll to the right. They're just like, and now we're at the military base thing. And I all I wrote in my notes was, oh man, if the military turned out to be horse locus, that was so cool. And the helmets looks up from the helmet turns up. There's a workers' locus underneath papers.

Oh, it was me the whole time. Yes. Well, I also love because they're going to a refugee camp. And I'm like, okay, Christian horror movie, big line of refugees. I get it. I get it. I don't get the screams going. But yeah, they get to a refugee camp that they seem to know about now for some reason.

They go immediately to a fire barrel. Well, they meet people from the church. It's like, Hey, those guys are at the church for this. How is it go? Oh, what were you guys up to? Horse locusts. Yeah, that's too. I just, this would not be more cliche if they had their belongings tied to a blanket on

the end of a stick as they walked up to this fire barrel at this point, fucking ridiculous. Let's all talk next to this FEMA fire barrel that is right. Yeah. There's a whole start like a chainsaw. So okay, but just then Sam comes to show Tommy and Jack the video she made. Please be homemade porn. Please be homemade porn.

Please, that would have been a lot better. Uh, but no, instead it's Ali's you better be a Christian quick video that she recorded right before she died. Well, and again, this movie is so confused because it's like the horse locust that killed you if you're Christian. So do that. I know it doesn't seem like you. They kill you if you're Christian, so do that. I know it doesn't seem like you're gonna be a Christian, even in spite of the fact that

it gets the horse. Look, this is stupid. Take two. Take two. Let's do it again. Hi, have you considered being, hello today? White. Oh, so, and also, like basically she's saying, you know, like, oh, I was so stupid.

I had all the evidence right there, but it took the death of millions of people and demons flying around before I really believe as though like the two levels of evidence are none and millions of people dying and demons raping them. Yes, this I finally found real faith. And I just want to like a locus to fly over be like, I mean, you found me. You're not. You're losing faith at this point, which they basically do. Right.

The Stomology didn't really change. Okay. Can we cut that Sam? Are you still following that? Oh, speaking of can we cut that? How about that at the very end when she's does her bawling little eye choose God as like in why is the dull burned levels of perfection? Amazing.

She's The scorpion locust that kills her right afterwards is doing it because of her performance. He's like, okay, I think one on one. It's, it's spear. That's enough. All right, so but then Jack Wanderer's off to get baptized in the ways of Jesus. Write that very moment. Tommy and Sam are hanging out going like, wow, scorpion horse locus, right? Am I right?

And then he hears a choir singing because the outdoor refugee camp hiding from the sky demons has decided to play music loudly Christian music. Yeah. So and apparently that's what it takes, right? That draws like, you know, Tommy's like, hey, wait a minute, we shouldn't be playing loud music with sky demons are trying to kill us and we're outdoors.

He's the only one that seems to get this, right? He's again, he's running like he figured out soil and green as people. He's like, everybody stop believing in Jesus. Okay, you guys all seem okay because of the whole death that your loved ones think, but anyway, because that's the case, right? What do you do?

Jesus, don't. So yeah, so Jack gets out of the baptismal thing or whatever and immediately gets killed by Scorpion horse locusts. They like fold him like a fitted sheet. I really wanted a scene of the horse locust being like, no, that's not right. Okay, you hold this and maybe if we tuck him, I kind of tired. I wanted to see some fat, lazy horse locusts along the way, you know, I'm just like an overweight horse and like the wings are kind of stuck inside the fat and there's sweaty. Yeah.

We're working all night, guys. I don't know. All right. So, but yeah, and then Tommy and Sam, they stopped in the middle. Everybody's running around screaming because they're under full locust attack now. So Tommy and Sam stopped so that Sam can find Jesus, right? Yeah. But they wanna go with the did they or don't they type ending?

So that she's like, what about you, Tommy? Do you accept Jesus as your personal Lord and savior? And he's like, well, and then he gets speared by a scorpion. Where's the look? Oh, it gets to the gates of heaven. Same Peter's like, what were you gonna finish that well with? We'll never know. Yeah. Exactly. Top faster. Oh, wait, you don't get a second chance. Yes. Yeah. Okay. And then so they drag him through the, through the crowd for a little while. And then his camera

goes up and we pan up where we see trillions and trillions more Scorpion horse locust streaming from the heavens. And the lesson is that they're attracted by faith. So you just like, you walk away smiling if you're an atheist, right? I don't understand. I feel like, yeah, yeah, cut to a giant atheist conference and like locusts just hoving around the outside being all pissed off and frustrated. What the problem is, right or coming in to see a show. Just just hoping you're going to get laid count. Yes.

We should be killing everyone in there. You know, that's it. No, we'll wait outside. Sorry. Bad joke. That's on me. All right. Well, I feel like the whole genre of horror movies where

the monster is God is insufficiently explored, really. So to close things off tonight, I'd like to give a firm film. So few ideas of where to go next. So fellas, any ideas for classic horror movie remakes subbing in God for the villain? Oh, oh, uh, shark to pus versus God. Okay. Uh, pretty sure that movie exists though. And if it doesn't, I have the $12 required to make it on site. I love that when I said classic horror movie, you went straight to shark to push versus something. I mean, yeah.

As America in 2018, I guess, I guess subbing is the wrong word. Yeah. Just writing news now. I got the game wrong. Yeah. Oh, and we're all depressed again. All right. Well, that's going to do a far review of the remaining, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need a light next week's wix.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck? The Trump prophecy. Since we're depressed anyway, okay anyway. Okay on the internet now. All right. It's about time. Oh So excited. All right, so with that to look forward to we're gonna bring episode 167 to a merciful close once again Huge thanks to all the patreon donors to help make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among the ranks You can make a prayer episode donation to patreon.com slash god off on there by got a full and thereby I run early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us to the time by leaving us a five star review on iTunes, sharing the show and all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this, you'll be sure to check out our siblings shows that's getting any of the excitement you need in the skeptic right available on iTunes to join wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godoffelmovesandgmail.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law, offices of P.A. and retours. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slot and the Gavivil, Draftsson, Mars Holo, the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clarkam, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heath and Rating Eli Bosnick, I'm an Illusion's Promise to Work Hard to Earn on the Chuck Next Week, until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Sam went on to walk into my apartment and shoot a video of me recording this episode. She's still here just staring at me in silence.

You're like you'd have been in a better room. The writer and director of this film went on to... Nope. Nope, he didn't. It just pretty much just ended here. The locusts went on to guest on several A.V.S. podcasts. Yeah! But I... I check. I always check.

There we go. I'll tucked in. Man, that thing is my spooked tack of vision. Not going to, not going to call it that. That thing is really scary though. I know, right? Yeah. So what do you see when you, what do you mean? Look at it. When you look at the spookedtack, you vision, what do you see? You know what, I never actually tried it on my own, but let me give it a try. Oh man, what a dream.

Eli, what's the matter? Oh, Anna, I dreamed that I was this fat podcaster. What's a podcaster? It's like the radio. I was like, kind of funny, but you know, kind of Adam Sandler, character funny, and I just kept trying to make changes in like my community, or in the world, or whatever, but all I did was embarrass myself over and over. That's terrible. And you weren't the beloved household name who got his big start in the book of Mormon?

No! Not at all! I just dressed up in costumes with my ass hanging out. Well... It was just a dream! Now why don't we have some sex we both enjoy? Okay! Dude! You okay?

You're in there for a while! What... What'd you see? Oh! Uh... Spiders! There were. There were spiders on me. Spiders the worst. Yep. The worst. Yeah. All right, come on. We got to go get in line for God's not dead five. Coming. Coming. I got a lot of your two old to trick or treat last year and you know it was hurtful. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2018.

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