God Awful Movies - 169: The Killing of Satan

Episode Date: November 13, 2018

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of "The Killing of Satan", the story of... something that doesn't lend itself to summary. --- For more details about **Vulgarity for Charity**, click here: https://scathingatheist.com/2018/11/01/vulgarity-for-charity-2018/ --- If you’d like to pick up a copy of our latest ebook; Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Stop for a moment and consider how shitty this is for later, because Lando is just some dude out in the world there. And this old guy is basically like, you know, condemning him to fight head spinny guy. I feel like that's a job you should have to apply for, right? It's like if you got into Hogwarts when you were 40. 40 I got kids man Make stairs that go the same place all the fucking time This is not whimsical and fun fuck you painting has that yeah God awful movie Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be This is my good friend Heathhand, right? Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. You know who's a great actor? I'm no idea. Rock. Oh, rocks are amazing.

And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli, Bostic Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Pukyu, pukyu, pukyu, pukyu, pukyu. Sorry Noah, I was just fighting the literal devil. Yeah, that's what it sounded like you were doing. Those are the sounds that I generally associate with fighting the literal devil. Speaking of which, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the killing of Satan, or Luma Banca Satanus, which is Tagalog for fight, comma Satan.

It's a Filipino exploitation film about how to write a movie around the cage full of naked women that you definitely have in real life in your cave dungeon house. There is no question that this movie came to be because someone went, oh, this. Yeah. And the answer of how to do that, by the way, is making about a guy who fight, comma, Satan. So really what are you doing the movie fight? Satan Satan. Satan. You put got a semi colon.

No, it's not fair that down. Let's pay. Let's go. Just one more time. Just say it with like a small space. Fight, Satan. Nope. Satan. Nope. Two slots. Two slots. And Eli. How bad was this movie? Well, if you love it when your stepdad shows you risk control, but you wish there was more boobs and lasers, you will love this movie. This is classic good bad movie. No, self-aware post 1990. It's many kids, it's bad bullshit. This is a group of people who got together and Spent money that they probably couldn't afford to make something wonderful and they failed on every conceivable Level it's beautiful. Oh my okay, so a quick note for the listener on this one. As we go through this movie, you gotta be ready for anything. Like, you know, here in there, I'm just gonna say something like,

it's a, so this sounds normal and linear and like a movie, but you have to be ready at a moment's notice for me to say. And now a giant eyeball is fucking a librarian with a yo-yo, right? When I say that, you're just gonna need to roll with it or you'll never make it through this episode. Yeah, this is your training montage at the beginning of a sci-fi movie. Okay. Tommy Lee Jones, your will Smith. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Best worst rocks. Best worst rocks. I'm worse than the moon landing. They're so good.

I'm not even going to explain why until we get there with the rocks, but just be aware that the cast director of this movie was definitely putting his dick inside so many rocks and they all got hired. Yeah, the rocks really were the star of the show. He was already alluded to it a bit here. I was going to go with best worst sound effects. Oh, like throughout this whole movie, it's like you're standing in an arcade where nobody has a quarter and they just got those repetitive noises over and over again and lasers and

crunches and a cat walking on a Casio keyboard. Oh, it's it's quite something. I cannot describe how many times while watching this movie, I went, what is that? And realized, nope, it's not in my house. It's in the movie. Kind of an obvious one, but I'm going to go with best worst karate. We have seen David A.R. White with fight choreography, but he is fucking it man compared to the divorced dad club that is everyone in this movie. Oh, everyone.

If you told me that there was like a crew of young stuntmen and they're bus crashed and they were all killed and their dads agreed to do the movie in their Memorial, this movie would make sense. It's insane. All right, well, I think we all need a fistful of anti-psychotics to safely recount this movie. So we're gonna pause for a quick break, but when we come back, we'll dive into all the budgetless insanity that is the killing of Satan Mr. Henderson. Oh, hey boys, how's it going? Well, it like okay, so first of all, we really want to thank you for inviting us to be in your movie

No problem boys. You're gonna be great. I'm looking forward to this. It's gonna be fun. Right. Here's the thing though. We looked over the script and it's not, I'm just not comfortable with the, what now? Well, okay, so many of the stage directions are just, and then I do super sweet karate on them.

Yeah, gonna, gonna. Right, right. Have you ever taken like a karate class, Mr. Henderson, or are you, are you, I'm what's known as a natural at karate. Yeah. Also, you have a cageful of naked ladies in the script a lot. A lot. That's a lot of the movie. All right, boys. Look, I'm making this movie to celebrate my dedication to God. It's gonna be good times. We're gonna send a good message. Plus I already bought the wind machine. I owe. Okay. All right. You know what? I'll be in it if I can die in the first scene. So I want to do. I want to first see. Damn it. You got to last

three more scenes. And we're back for the breakdown. And before we even get to the title screen, we're going to see the crucifixion and self-flagulation and people being spanked with palm Frans. What the fuck are we getting into? Are we gonna see the school play version of the fiction? Well, yeah. And a human burrito? Yeah, I had it as a, they were making a man blunt, right?

So this guy is standing there and they just start wrapping him in a blanket and then whacking him with a machete. And he's like, Hey, why are you guys rolling me up in this rug and carrying the shit in here? They're like, uh, has not. Just to check something. Let me find also, by the way, I had a couple notes on the sound, the audio, and down. So throughout this movie, it sounds like, yeah, on top of everything else that's happening.

Like, my music note is, we're going to start with the sound of Eli trying to be silent. It's like, it's like there's a wet fan trying to eat dry pasta or something like that. It's just crazy clicking and shh. And then we get the crazy noise of them vlogging themselves too. Yeah. Which is fun. Sound effects by King Arthur's sidekick and the Holy Grail. Right.

So we're going to see like a fully guy flocking himself with two coconut halves in the bat. And the best thing is like obviously when they first started this movie, someone like hit Alan too hard and I was like, Oh, really hurt. So now everyone's doing this sort of like mild spanking thing. And then they like cut to a shot of someone with strawberries thirup on their back and they're like, there, flogging, you get it. Yeah, right. And if you're wondering where this is all leading nowhere, right?

We're going to go to a different scene with different people. None of that will ever matter again. So now we're going to cut to this assembled group that is the main guy, first of all, is dressed like he's on the illuminati's bowling team. Everyone else hands him a necklace like we're in an 80s cartoon or something and they're trying to summon the main character that shows up at act three. I think they try to do a cheers with their neck. Yes.

Yes. Still. All right. Every take off our cult medallions and we're going to do a little fuck. Okay. Your string got caught on my finger. And shit. Not fuck. Do you have this wrapped around his now?

No. Do you say you, you're going to grab them one and then you're going to do it? No, you dropped it. Okay, you said you had him. This is a bad system. Why would you have said that? Okay, everybody count him up again. Everybody grabbed theirs.

We'll start again. That's to be the right amount. Yeah, and apparently this is how you summon the Prince of magic. Is it or does he interrupt the good guys while they're celebrating their magic amulet powers? I thought it was the first thing, but I think it's the second thing after seeing the rest of the movie. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, no, that makes sense. That's, I'm sorry, just the idea of saying movie. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I know that makes sense. That. I'm sorry. Just the idea of saying that makes sense about anything in this. Yeah. I really, I really put the plot together in my head after the movie. It was good.

Yeah. Right. It's, you know, it was like memento in that way. So, yeah. So the Prince of Magic, who is a fat guy in an orange unit hard with a red cape. It looks like two senior botachi ball clubs are squaring up. But one of them takes it way too seriously. And he's got his minions with him too. So you got this grown man wearing like a very small little girl's little red riding hood costume

from shitty costume store. And then he's got his minions. They're like, they look like Kryptonian pimps. Do you? Okay. Do you remember general's odds? The minions look like luchador's dressed up as general's odd, like standing next to him. Yeah. And he's he's there to challenge to challenge the other guys to an action sequence, but apparently they can't afford to put fight scenes just any oldware. So Satan uses force push instead, right? Right. Followed by a gun.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. They have force push, but you know what, bring like a couple guns too. We're like magical demons, but like, let's also shoot them. You know, why not? This, this movie is constantly confused about what its powers do. Sometimes they kill people, sometimes they're a minor annoyance. Sometimes they do nothing, sometimes the real danger is gun. This movie is not sure.

Oh, and what are my favorite powers in this movie is the good guys. We're about to find out there the good guys, the cult with the medallions are the good guys, right? Yeah. I think. Okay, so what they don't have particularly strong powers, what they can do is throw laser beams, but not like you like, like physically throw them like as well as they could throw a baseball, which is not well to be clear. So they just like badly make throwing motions. It comes out kind of slow and doesn't usually hit what to try to hit. It's the best. And this whole thing culminates with Uncle Miguel. He's the main guy in this, in the good guy group getting his head spun around, around and around and around and not like once,

but like picture speeding up that scene from the exorcist from the neck up, but making a gif out of it, right? So just over it over and over. Yeah. And apparently they got this effect by putting a mannequin head on an old school turntable and shooting it from the chin up, but there's another person in the scene too, right? Like also being shot from the chin up. And this is the, this guy's Uncle Miguel's daughter. And she's reacting like she she's kind of like, dad stop, you're spinning your fucking head around against stop it.

So then we cut to that same old guy, Uncle Miguel and bed, in bed recovering now. Brian, I guess he's gonna die from it eventually, but he's like, the head spinning around like a weather vein was non fatal in the moment. No, he was him like pneumonia. Yeah. And his family's like, Hey, man, is your head okay from the spinning?

Yeah, sitting on the spoon around a few dozen times, and then let me go. And his daughter's like, no, no, his neck is fine, but not his soul. Yes. That's the his soul. Yes. That's the important thing. Right. And also, by the way, Luke, there's one character that we have to talk about here, Ranzo, is the character's name, who you could mistake at this point for the main character, right? Because he's the younger guy that is with Uncle Miguel all the time.

And he has, he's the one who got shot, right? When Satan's minion or the Prince of darkness is minion, pull that as gun. And he has this tiny little bullet wound on his shoulder the whole time. And it's so cute and hilarious. Oh, my, it's adorable. It's like he got shot with a BB gun's BB gun. Yes. Like a little BB came out and then pulled out a little gun on its way. Yeah. Exactly. The flag that said bang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So the old guys like, I need to name my successor before I die. It'll be, and everybody looks over at Rand so who we think is the main character at this point. He goes, Lando, someone that we haven't introduced yet in the movie. Lando. The main character of this movie is named Lando. If I had one second to convey how bad this movie is to someone,

they were like, quick, tell me how bad is this movie? I'd be like, man, characters got Lando. That's all you need. And also like, can we stop for a moment and consider how shitty this is for Lando? Because Lando is just some dude out

in the world there. And this old guy is basically like You know condemning him to fight head spinny guy. I feel like that's a job. You should have to apply for right? It's like if you got into Hogwarts when you were 40 I got kids man Make stairs that go the same place all the fucking time make stairs that go the same place all the fucking time. This is not whimsical or fun. Fuck you painting has that. Yeah. Also, by the way, they definitely made this right after first blood came out. So they were like, what are the names of our main guys, Rambo? No, it can't be Rambo. Oh, no, yes, yes. Yes. Uh, Ranzo. I said, you didn't let me finish. I said, not Rambo. I said Ranzo. Okay.

What's the other guy? Lando. All right. It's what's the bill? It's a land of band and don't say band. Banjo, Kazooie. So. All right. So now it's time to meet Lando, our main character. And honestly, with this scene open up, the first thing I wrote in my notes was just poverty is sad.

Yo. I just wrote in my notes. The reason why this character is called Lando, he has a mustache end of list. And it is a strong mustache. Oh yeah. Mustache only is the best. I want that to come back. That's good stuff.

Oh, yeah. So okay. Now, here's what we have to learn in this scene. This is an impossibly large amount of information that we have to learn in this scene that we're not going to need later. But Lando killed somebody's brother and went to jail for it. But now he's out of jail and that person wants the person whose brother he killed wants to kill him and someone has shown up to warn him.

This is not what the movie will be about guys. Not even a little. It is, it is simply a mechanism for him to exit a scene we never needed him to be. It would be like all of the journey move. It would be like if the brave little toaster started by his house being blown up in a nuclear explosion. Like, well, I guess, I have to find a different place. And they're weirdly casual about this too.

They're interesting. Our protagonist as a murderer, kind of like by accident, because they had to, I don't understand, but some guy shows up and he's like, hey, Lando, some guy wants to kill you. And Lando's like, what? That's crazy. And he's like, well, you remember how you murdered a guy? And I was like, yeah, so his brother's like mad at me or something. He's brother is mad at you or something. Yeah, it turns out for the murdering.

That's what's happening. Yep. That's the whole thing. And landows girlfriend wife, wife, girlfriend, wife, landows wife, through could not be more casual about this to the extent that she interrupts the conversation, not once, but twice to invite that guy in for coffee. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm talking about vengeance. I made coffee. It's kind of agree with the fuck? It's going to get cold. It's going to get cold. And you're going to be like, Oh, can you warm this up in the microwave? No, no, I can't. You can stop talking about vengeance. All right. So now the medallion crew from before they're, they've got to get in touch with Lando and tell him he's going to be the successor to Uncle Miguel. Now we will later learn that letters exist in this universe.

We have no reason to believe phones don't. So you summon him with a giant crucifix made of candles. Yep. Yep. Yep. That's what they have. And it definitely feels like that started with somebody walking in on a naked guy who's like, Hey, what, what you doing there with that?

Not, not dripping hot wax on my penis. Well, I pray to Satan and masturbate because that's inappropriate. How would you feel if I did that? Of course you would. inappropriate or how would you feel if I did that? If it's not good, I would build a giant cross the candles. I love when I said, or I feel like your face change. Nope. Okay. No inappropriate. We agree. We agree that inappropriate is the word. Okay. So many of the set pieces in this movie started by somebody walking in on a naked guy, right? Who needed an explanation quick? Dripping something on is something. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. All right. So then we cut back to

Lando and his wife. Lando is sitting in a dark room cleaning his gun. And there's this like exchange where the wife is like, Hey, why are you cleaning your gun? And Lando's like, Oh, this thing I didn't re- I thought it was no plumbing. No real reason. Room full of clean guns is safer. You just want to all just just something to do in the dark for myself. Normal day. Yeah. And that's the thing though. Like wife does it doesn't buy this.

I was just cleaning my gun on a bet or whatever he's trying to argue. She doesn't want him to go back to his Satan fighting ways and everything. She's bitching at him for not having enough faith in God. See this counts. This counts. We have this. Totally counts. But and also while she's giving him this, you know, you don't have enough faith in Jesus speech, he might as well be waxing his mustache with the barrel of the gun. Right? He's going full Ed Wood with his usages of it in the background. And what when he licks it, then like a very gentle kiss. Did you see where he's like rubbing it along?

He takes a poppy seed out of his teeth with the barrel. It's really weird. It's, it's as though they were trying to do a two-four-four at least safe ways to handle a firearm while they were also shooting this one. Right. Right. Right. It's another camera off to the side. All right. So now we're going to cut to the Filipino equivalent of the coast from Pinocchio. These are the bad guys that want to kill Lando and they're sitting around a campfire eating cans of poverty, I guess. Oh, the bad guy here looks like Viserys from Game of Thrones dressed up as gangus con for Halloween.

And his mustache is great. It has a giant gap. He has like the gap tooth for his mustache. It's just a straight hand stash. White people buying boot cut jeans in the middle of his mustache, phenomenal skinny bitches trying to get their thighs to look like his mustache. It's good stuff.

Yeah. And in case, so we meet them very quickly. And then we cut back to let you know that they're still trying to telepathically contact Lando with their sayons. And then, okay, we cut, this is, we're going to get a dream sequence with Lando. Yes. We cut this is we're going to get a dream sequence with land. Oh, yes. And it's going to start across a he's walking across this rocky hellscape. And this giant fake is hell rock is about to roll onto him. And when we say fake is hell, we mean like you can see they didn't even bother to paint over the toilet paper roll level. The boulder is amazing.

It looks like tumbleweed on the moon coming at it. The cult leader guys like, all right, watch out for the boulder, man. To eventually yeah, yeah, right. Slow motion boulder, but you know, be ready. Like in a few minutes, this is going to become problem. And now we can just hang out. So immediately jump and what's amazing is this scene is supposed to be this guy getting hit by a boulder, but they set their giant paper, mishay rock off at the wrong angle. So we watch this actor jump in front of the bolter. No, no, he's trying to block

it like a bullet, right? So that's the impression I got is that he's like, Oh, this bullet is going to roll onto land. Oh, I'm going to stop it. So he throws himself in front of it. And then he announces this after dying of somehow to land. He's like, I threw myself in front of it. but that obviously didn't help. As you can see, I was bold turned into red spray paint in the shape of a very silly chalk outline and shape on the floor. Let's talk about this squish sound effect, because this squish special effect, because what they have done is they have buried this actor up to his neck in the ground. And then they have placed red spray painted clothes

on the ground. And it is the silliest thing I have ever seen. And keep it mind like his the angle at which they buried him isn't quite correct for and the cause are going flat out. There's no hands or anything. It's phenomenal. This movie is worth watching just for this scene. The gloves exist. There's a lot to do in your stupid. Well, you have a human buried right there. I mean, I feel like his hands would be in an arms length away from his head, right?

It's so good. Oh my God. Yeah. All right. So yeah, I had to stop for several minutes to celebrate what we were watching after I saw this scene. So yeah, but it turns out that that was just a dream. He was dreaming about a metaphor

for this movie, I guess. Oh, and that metaphor will never make any sense. That dream never makes sense. None of this ever has anything to do with what happens in the movie. You're not thinking it through hard enough, man. The Boulder represents the Prince of Magic, who's barreling towards the village or whatever. And the old guy tried to stop him and slow him down, but he couldn't. So now it's up to Lando. And the speed of the boulder is like the martial arts in the rest of the. Yeah, right. Right. Or the speed at which this plot will move along. All right. So at this point, Lando is like, have a trouble falling back asleep after his creepy boulder dream. I can't sleep.

There's crazy room noise. Just like a blank record on full volume right next to us, but I can't find it. We don't even own a record player. It's crazy. Is someone eating chips? And then just then the team of bad guys that want to kill him for murdering their brother show up, right? And they they're yelling a come out of your land or I'll start shooting randomly into

your house to which is wife response. Just ignore them and go back to bed. What you're going to play the big just sit down turn off the TV turn off the TV they won't know. I really wanted to see that in action. Just things are exploding around the room. Windows breaking and he's just like it's Halloween. Let him get it out of their system.

Don't be that neighbor. Yeah, but unfortunately, he can't stay out of it because just then Lando's son walks out to see what, you know, who's out there screaming about shooting the first person who walks out of my house. It's the best. And of course they shoot him instantly. The nanosecond door opens, they shoot him. They might as well already be firing and he looks out the door at the bullets, whizzing

by and he's like, okay, let me just check this. Oh, I can't believe I got shot. Right. So at this point, Lando's pissed. So he pulls out his nice clean gun. He starts shooting them and they immediately shoot him to death too. Yeah. Problem was he went, he went straight to his gunfight window and they were like, well, he's going to go to his gunfight window, probably. So we'll shoot that now and he'll get shot like you did with the door. He's kind of stupid about this. But so the coroners there, like the, you know, next morning or whatever, the coroner's there and he checks on Lando and the son. He's like, yeah, that's pretty dead. But just then ask for the coroner leaves a boomy voice calls out Lando's name and he wakes up despite

the bullet this forehead and him being dead in the last scene thing. I have a question in the Philippines is in your bed under the blankets of place to keep dead people? Did they not have another spot for those two dead bodies? They took deathbed very literally. They own a deathbed in this. Oh, there we go. There we go. For death. Yeah. Well, it'll come in damn handy at this film. We'll use it a lot.

But Lando's not quite dead. Yeah, he pops back up and it's this like awkward moment like, oh, you're, you're not dead from the bullet wound that was in your face a second. I go, okay, sorry about the coins over your eyes. Let me grab those. This is weird. Yeah, no, his wife, like they, I don't think this is what the actress is going for, but it seems like she's pretending to be a, like, oh, good. My husband that I love so much is yeah. Yeah. The bad acting makes it seem like she was having an affair. And

there's a guy who's like slowly moving his suitcases back out of the door. Right. You're alive. Oh, crazy. This brought you this chair from my house as a gift, a gift, get, get well, gift. And apparently they were thinking that at this point our listeners would say, is this really a Christian movie because just that she holds her rosary over his brain bullet and the wound disappears. I love the Christianity of this movie. Like, sort of interviewing the tribes and Papa

New Guinea who now like hunt witches. This is the best reason not to introduce a religion to someone. Yeah, man, Jesus magic. We got that. You saw the cross thing. We did the human burrito. We got this, what is this? This little sideways perpendicular line things to magnetize some bullets. Love your religion, just like my other gods. Yeah.

But also we should mention the old guy, the cult leader guy on the other side of this cross cut thing is waving his hand in front of his head and making a bullet wound appear there, right? Yeah, yeah. That's going to also be important to the plot, is it? Well, as much as anything can be said to be important to the body.

Speaking of things that just don't fucking matter, remember the son that got killed? He's laying next to the dad. He didn't get turned back into alive. It's the best. He turns't get turned back into a live. It's the best returns to his wife. And he's like, how's David? He's literally right behind me. Dead, isn't he? Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy. Anderson. I feel like, you know, sun still maybe do the cross thing with the sun. Yeah. You just heal somebody's bullet with a try at least do it. Sun wakes up and mom dies.

Okay, fuck. All right. This is a complicated magic system. It moves around. All right. So back old speedy head now has apparently died from the bullet wound that he soaked up from land. So, Randzo and the girl that was with him, sent him out on a futile reary boat.

Now, this scene is only worth mentioning because of the little couple fight that they have here. Oh, but it's amazing. She goes, are you sad because he didn't name you as his successor? And he's like, no, I'm sad because he's dead. And she's like, oh, well, now I feel like a jerk. And my sad about being assistant to the regional lando, about the promote, no, it's my fantasy football team.

No, it's the dead guy. That's kind of like your father, your mom. As unruly usually, people don't walk around. Funeral is going, why are you sad? And then the way he declares this at the end of the scene is he goes, I love him as much as I love you Really As much seems like a weird thing to say to your romantic partner. Yeah Well, we'll find out later. They love each other in some weird fucking ways But I'll just

have to leave that hanging so we can cut back to Lando who is now on a boat. He after his dream and his son getting killed, he decided to go check and see how his uncle was doing like you would. And they're going there by boat because it's the Philippines. And I guess what we're going for here is that Satan is using wind to push them away so that they won't make it to the island. And I say, I guess because they don't have the equipment necessary to put him in a really strong wind. No, they have a wind machine and they use the, but got their money's worth out of this

machine. Let me tell you, I don't know, I don't know who got a deal on a win machine, but someone showed up to set one day and was like, ah, and everyone was like, get the fuck out of here. Is that a win machine? We are using that literally every chance we get. Yeah. 17 times in this movie. All right. And also, this is where we introduce magic mute skinny short shorts Afro kid.

Yes. 10 year old Eli for now started eating his feelings and he's doing some wind magic. It's awesome. It's phenomenal. And by the way, this kid doesn't like matter to the plot for another like 20 minutes, which means that all my notes about him are just kid, get out of the shot. They're doing a win. Yeah.

It looks like someone's younger brother is like, no, I'm going to stand right here. If you want the shot, you have to keep me in your movie. It looks like Eli's face got photoshopped into like a Sally Struthers feed the children commercial in Africa. Yeah. So, yeah. So, apparently the little boy is there to like make the win magic go away. Also the people who are still say on saying Lando about the new promotion that he just

got there. I could not tell what the fuck was happening here, but like a statue was missing, which meant that land was on his way. Yeah, 30 seconds before the end of the movie, he will recover the statue, which will make this scene make sense, but we will never talk about the statue and it will never matter except for right now and at the end of the movie. I don't know if sense is the right word there. Honestly, this moment confused the soundtrack. The music was like, something happened in the plot.

Is it like the pit orchestra was like playing question marks for like a minute. Right. All right, so now the mute kid is going to lead Orlando and the family of his that he didn't manage to get killed with the brother vengeance thing to his uncle's house. But to get there, they have to walk through more rocky hellscape and then explosion. Yeah. Hell yeah, they busted out of the real genuine explosion here. So now a bunch of, we're going to say rocks, like that's

what we know that they are are coming down over top of them. They might as well just throw like six cabbages down and then you watch a guy be like, my cabbages and he slowly gathers them up and then creeps out of frame. It's so clearly just very soft pillows. Yeah. Like down this hill, like they might as well form into a couch at the bottom of the hill. Yeah, right. So ridiculous. Let's make a fort.

Yeah. So they all run over and run under this overhang, right? Well, the avalanche of boulders falls around them except for the little mute kid who runs out into the boulders. Yeah. And they're like, oh, did he get killed? Who cares? New scene.

Literally. They're like, did he get killed? And you see the camera cut. You might as well see the clack in front of the screen. And they're in the village looking for Uncle Miguel. Mute kid. Mute kid. Yeah, if you need help, mute kid.

Ah, fuck it. That's it. It's what work. All right, so yeah, with the kid probably squished and them not giving a fuck, they're out of guy. So they wander up on some lady who seems to be sweeping the dirt off her dirt and ask where his uncle lives. This interaction is amazing though.

He's like, uh, can you tell me where my uncle McGill lives? Absolutely. Yeah, come, come right this way. This is where he lives. He's like, oh, uncle McGell, uncle McGell. Sorry, probably should have led with this. Instead of walking to the house first, he is dead. Sorry.

Yes. This is a house where he used to pass tents. Fuck, sorry, forgot about it. Burn, face, classic prank, dead uncle. Raise your hand if you've got an uncle not so fast nailed you nailed you to the fucking wall. I'm Ranzo. Yeah.

Okay. So this is where Ranzo and Landome and there are two exchanges that I just have to relive right here. This is the first one. This is the actual lines back to back. Ranzo says, your uncle Miguel is dead. The wife responds, you mean uncle Miguel is dead. And the next one, the very next exchange, Lando says, Ruisa, I'm sorry. I didn't know

and the wife goes, Ruisa, we're sorry. We didn't know. And it kept all of that. It's like everyone was reading off the same cue card and they were just like, oh, God, this is cold. We're going to dump this anyway. We're going to dump this at it. No, don't say. No, don't say. No, we'll keep it. Okay. Keep it out. No, it's good. That's good. Yeah. So now an old guy shows up and he's like, you're probably wondering how your uncle died. Yeah, so now an old guy shows up and he's like, you're probably wondering how your uncle died. It was magic bullet powers in the head. A question.

Could he not have done that to a coconut or like not his own skull? Like I have questions about, well, I have questions about all the powers in this movie because they will never be explained to me, but I don't know, just occurred to me in this moment. Yeah. You can just wave your hand around to stop waving your hand near me. Do the coconut. because they will never be explained to me, but I don't know, just occurred to me in this moment. Yeah. You can just wave your hand around to stop waving your hand near me. Do the coconut. We said, just try anything else besides that.

Not your face either. No. All right. He did his face. All right. So now, Ranzo has been tasked by the medallion crew or whatever to take land to where old spinny had his buried. Now, as you recall, yeah, he was buried at sea, but

Lando is having a comical amount of trouble understanding the idea of a burial at sea. This cemetery is full of water. Yeah. Right. It is the water. Well, how am I supposed to dig him up and fuck him now? What? You weird me out, dude.

Nope. Just tell you what, why don't you just sail out to the middle of the water? This is not a prank. Go out and we'll work itself out. Yeah, which is exactly what he's going to do now. So he boats out into the sea and then the engine dies. Yep, but don't worry because he's about to get attacked by dolphin lasers, a Theraman. I got a tassio.

I'm attacked by a Therlink. I wanted that like slow motion boulder from before, just like paddle up behind him with a Theraman. Neck dart. Yeah. Yeah. So there's a laser sound. He passes out on the boat. Um, hedart. Yeah. Yeah. So there's a laser sound. He passes out the boat. Um, he wakes

up sometime later, angrily throws some drift one. Right. That's important. Some pushy drift one actually. Well, yeah, because it comes back like he's going to be like, what's the matter, girl? Is Timmy stuck in the well? like the driftwood has something to say here. But it turns out to be what monster no he picks up the driftwood and there's a water slop zombie attached to it that is his uncle Miguel that will never come into the movie again. I thought that this is how he gets his powers is that his uncle's like, gosh, okay. That makes a little more sense. In my head, it was just like, I'm your uncle, the waters on me. That is all. I believe

I've made my point very clear. You could go back. Come back. I put a lot of thought into becoming a water zombie and then I didn't get. Didn't know what I was going to say when we got here. It's crazy. You complete me. Nope. That's romantic. You're doing I'm from your heart. Just straight from your heart. You got no just the weird. Oh, show me the money. All right. All right. So meanwhile, the prince of magic and his minions are showing up at Uncle Miguel's village, right? They're going to have the big scene where they kidnapped Lando's daughter and his niece. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. The copretie dojo shows up and they're going to they're going to fuck with them.

They're going to kidnap some girls from their little village. Oh, and the mom tries to prevent the daughter from getting kidnapped and she gets punched in the face and then like sl, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, down a ridiculous amount of stairs. Yeah. Yeah. And all the bad guys are using these incredibly inefficient laser powers. One of them has a staring contest power that goes for like six minutes. It's just two

guys staring at each other until one of them eye crosses the other guy to death. Yeah. And like it becomes pretty obvious. Like dude, you're clearly losing the staring contest fight. Just look away. Or whatever bad guys can be like stop. We called no looking way, but now you've won the, you know, you move onto lasers or whatever. The other fighting methods are which again, it's a weird combo. There's magic death rays, but also light punching.

And the light punching seems to be more effective than the magic death rates. Right. Or at least quicker. You guys have completed your satanic death rate training. Okay, quick thing about risk control. You'll probably need this too. All right, so, but just then as everybody's getting their asses kicked, Lando and Ranzo show up to kick a little ass too.

Okay, and here's the amazing thing about this scene. The two nieces who are kidnapped were instructed to yell and make noise throughout this scene, but they yell and make noise so loudly that you cannot hear or pay attention to literally anything except for them. All of my notes are, hey, yelling, ladies, I'm going to need you to take it down. It's so, they scripted so much the women screaming thing. And like by the end, we were listening to like the women who dubbed it into English. So they're just like, they ran out of stuff to scream. They're just like, no, no, stop. Desist, please don't. I, I, succession of this now, but just stop.

All right, so but while they're screaming, of course, somebody breaks out that wind machine again. Yeah. And the Prince of magic uses the wind machine to blow land and ran so away. But this is when Randall tells Landau about how to use his magical concentric circle elbow shield. Oh, his elbow spot. I'm all fucking librarian with a yo-yo people.

Keep up. His elbow spotlight. Yes. The guy just bullets him and he gets shot. Like holes keep appearing in his shirt, but it's not hurting him. I guess. Your guess is as good as mine on any of this year.

But yeah, but we're fighting some more, and they punched fight a little bit, but even though they kick a lot of ass, the Prince of Magic still makes it away with his daughter and his niece. The fight choreography in this scene is me and Heath, if we had to do a karate demonstration tomorrow. Oh my God. You remember, uh, you remember the anime episode of South Park, the fight in this movie is

a live action version of that episode. It's fantastic. Every is dying like they got slapped on Golden Eye in licensed to kill mode. It's so good. Also, when he was absorbing all the bullets and not getting hurt, did anyone else picture like his uncle's body full of holes at the bottom of the ocean somewhere? Oh, the slum. Yeah. I'm be going, God damn it. The fuck, man. All right. So now he rushes back to his check on his wife.

She is hilarious amounts of beat up. Right. And let's point out so far, dying people in bed have made up 85% of this move. Really? Yes. And he walks in and he's like, hey, is she in the fucking deathbed? Can you not put it in the face? That's our deathbed. What are you doing? But yeah, but luckily though, in addition to the concentric elbow laser shield thing that he has,

he also has purple glowing healing powers. Yep. So he uses those on his wife and all the bad makeup disappears. I honestly want him to turn to Ranzo at this point and be like, okay, cool. Let's get this out of the way now. What are 100% of my powers? Tell me all of my powers. Now let's work them all out. And then we'll go on more adventures.

And he's like, no, I'll let you know. So okay, now it's time for Ranzo and Lando to really get this movie going. They've got to go find the Prince of Magic at his layer and rescue the daughter and the niece who is Ranzo's love interest, right? And that is what the movie is about now, apparently. Yeah, yeah, right. Like the bad guy that killed his son and then left will never hear anything about him again. Like there's so much in this movie that doesn't

come back. Well, the main characters have to talk through what the fuck is happening. Yeah, and I was like, so are we doing like another hunt for a water zombie? Because that didn't really do it. We're trying to find Princey butt. Oh, right, right. Also, they have like a very casual, you know what's weird? Having super power, right? Right?

And Ranz is like, not really. Really? Not really? Yeah. All right. I'm thinking of a celebrity. Ooh, ooh, a living or dead. So is's Satan. Yes.

Yeah. So they, they very slobily introduced the, how about these superpowers conversation where Randzo explains to Lando that to unlock his powers, he needs to use the magic words. He tells him what the magic words are. We will never hear about them again. Nope, never, ever again. And we also see Ranzo explain that his powers are just, you know, medium. Yeah, I'm told my powers are just fine for some people. Like, it's actually a good size. Too, too many powers can be like bad. I'm told. I really wanted to see his mediocre powers in action at some point. Just like it takes out a bruised apple and sort of heals it or something. I'm allowed to use the 15 items

or less line no matter how many items I have. I mean, it slows the whole process down so I don't, but I think they know. You just wrapped everything in a box. That's not really a power. You just put 15 things. That's not one box of power. So. All right. So now we're going to cut to the daughter and the cousin being manhandled by the Prince

of magic. And they're still like eventually the Prince of magic comes up and slaps the one woman unconscious. That's when the screaming lady shit ends. So we were all on slapping guys side about that. I mean, I don't want to be, but at this point, the movie is like, yeah, do something. Put her in a soundproof box. I'm fine with that too. So now it's time for the Prince of Magic to lock the daughter up in a cage full of naked women. Cage, roll of boobies. Again, Hundope definitely the writer's house.

100%. He's like, I got a cage full of women. There is a Christian movie that goes around this. Go cage full of women, win machine. What more could we need? Yeah, right. Selling. I really, but again, this is supposed to be the Prince of Magics cave.

And I just want to see how his decoration went, right? My Lord Prince of Magic. Yes. But the decorator from Pier One imports is here. Oh good sentiment. Hi everybody. Hi. Love this place. A lot of space here. That's good. So, uh, yeah, we're gonna do some, uh, some really great work here. So before we get started, what's like your vision for the space? What do you see? Yeah, no, I want something scary. Ooh, scary. Yeah, great word. Good. And I need a place obviously for my cage full of naked women. Okay. Okay. So the cage full of women, that's a must. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Okay. That's fine. That's fine. I don't want to be the guy with us, a big screen TV and a neoclassical room. You know, I have a cage of naked ladies, but I want it to blend with the space. No, no, no, no, totally agree, totally agree. Um, all right. How do you feel about open flames? Oh, I love open flames. This is gonna work out great.

We're gonna do a bunch of that. All right. So yes, we learned that the cage is electrified except if you're the Prince of Magic, right? Nobody can touch it but him. And also this is where we meet Filipino Idream of Genie. Snake lady. Oh, I love snake ladies so much.

Oh my god. I mean, there's so much superfluous background boob in this one. It seems we are to obsess over Jeannie, but oh my God. Well, first of all, she manages not to look entirely bored and sort of uncomfortable, which is how all the naked cage ladies like, naked cage ladies look like they were told this was going to be a 15 minute shoot and they're on hour two and everyone's just like seriously. I want to go over to crafty, but I'll get crumbs all over my boobs.

So also there's this amazing thing. So what they're trying to do with snake lady is they're, she's Satan's minion and she's here to give the Prince of Magic instructions, but she doesn't have any new information to deliver. So she's like, have you kidnapped the girls? And he's like, yes. And she's like, cool. Uh, yes.

Also, I need those TPS reports. Uh, all right. All right. And then as you recall, there were two girls. There was the daughter. And then there was her cousin. The daughter is locked up in naked lady cage. The cousin though is going to get sexually assaulted by

some guy and we're going to watch that for a long time. Well, I think it's supposed to be interrupted by Ranzo, but the movie forgets that she was a damsel in distress. So we can just assume she's being unconsciously kissed for 40 minutes while the rest of the movie goes on. To be fair though, it is the most chemistry in You can just assume she's being unconsciously kissed for 40 minutes. Yeah. The rest of the movie goes on to be fair though, it is the most chemistry in a kiss we have seen in a Christian movie. So that's true. Well, that's true.

That is true. All right. So yeah, and just then Rand so in Lando find a secret passage to the bad guy's layer, but it's, it's on hard difficulty rating. Right? Like, like, Randall's like, no, no, no, I know like a beginner tunnel, too. This is the, this is the only movie I have ever seen where it's like a secret passage. Come on, let's go this way. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we only have like 40 minutes shot so far. I feel like that'll let's go the long way.

But no, they go into the cave of doom. We're almost the rest of this movie will take place. Okay. And now it's time to kill the fuck out of a rubber snake. Oh my god. He he slaps the snake. Okay. This actor has a thing about snakes because he is obviously working through some shit on these fake rubber snakes. He slaps the shit out of this snake on every surface. He can then he ties it in the knot and turns the ransom. And Ranzo might be like, okay, man, we get it. You got the snake. Yeah. The knot was not what did it.

Oh, it's the best. He literally ties the snake into a knot in the middle of its body. It just has a big knot now. And I wanted the snake to just attack him anyway and then explain the geometry of what's just happened. Like, you just made me slightly shorter. I can still. As you can see, I've bit your face. I mean, Ranzo's just looking at him like, oh, come on, dude, that was the easiest kind of knot, though. You just.

Yeah. So at this point, they, Ranzo and Lando have to split up, right? There's too many tunnels for them to check all of them alone. Yeah. And there's this amazing moment where he goes, there's so many tunnels. I mean, we can't show them. We're actually going to show the very clearly two tunnels. But trust me, there's a lot of tunnels. Take my word for it. Yeah. So they're going to split up to make it more suspenseful. But before they do, he's like, Hey, don't forget your magic elbow words, right? Yep.

Well, not matter. Let me say him again. And then nothing happened. And they're like, whatever. Yeah. He's like, no, your power up. It doesn't matter at this point. All right.

So they each go down their own tunnel and get attacked by the one at a time gang, right? Now at first, we get Lando, he gets attacked by several cobras, the last of which turns into a naked monster guy with no penis. Pretty sure cobra is scarier than naked teenage boy for anyone who is at Mike Pence. Decidedly a downgrade and scaryness to that guy. Yeah. And the fight sequence is so bizarre and random. The guy keeps just like jumping up on the wall and doing poses, you know, do pure wets for no reason. Well, he only does snake themed fighting moves because he was for more snakes. So we have to do like snake hands all the time. Yeah, right, right. I wanted him so bad to tie the little kid into a knot. Oh, it doesn't happen. They missed it.

Then another guy showed right after the snake guy, right? A snake transforms into a snake monster. And then there's just like another guy, not a snake, not a teammate. He's just like, hey, I'm here. I'm Fred. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done.

You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done.

You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. finish. Yeah. This is awkward. And we should put it like this goes like for so fucking long. Like we go back and forth between Lando and Ranzo doing terrible fight choreography. Like they were the fucking Vin Diesel and the rock of the Philippines going, no, no, I want to kick more as I get to kick ass last. Some kid walks in. anybody need more fire sticks?

Anyway, I'm the fire stick guy for the caves. Cause I'm going to take off early today. And do you need more? There's more and dry storage. If you need them, Howard has the key. I'm going to leave. Yeah. So eventually they take care of all the minions and Lando has to figure out where his daughter

is. So he's interrogating a guy, put also strangling that same guy. Yes. It's forget not to strangle him to death before he can answer. He's like, oh, that's on me. I am filled with regret like Superman killing Zod. What a Lando to come heal the strangled guy so he could talk. Oh yeah, there you go. Wait, so I actually don't know. I'm not allowed in the, uh,

radio. No, no, I meant the shit they were in. That's the name of the cave that the riddish is this all the magic you have? Cause this is Satan at the end. And he's yelling bruises. All right. So now Lando comes across his daughter in the cage full of naked women. And he spends so much time just standing there, taking it all in. Oh my God. It's like taking your dad to a hooters. It's just like, Oh, don't worry.

I mean, I'm going to high. How's he going? How you doing? I'm going to save you. I'm never, hey, how's it going? Hi, hi, Lando. Stop saying. Don't. Don't.

You're weird. Yes, he runs up to the daughter and he's like, what have they done to you? Also, do you think the naked lady, two to the left is in the guys with moustaches? Like chess, chess move to the left. Like, oh, oh, her. Raise your hand. Nope, not you. You talk hand. Nope, not you. You took obviously not you.

Obviously not you. The one who raised her hand. Yeah. So the daughter's like, Hey, you know, I'm the only one in this cage with clothes. So I must be doing all right. And then he's like, Oh, what about your cousin that was also kidnapped?

It's like right, right, getting raped for several hours according to the editing. We should have, you know what? Now I feel like a bitch because I didn't say that right away. But yeah, you should probably, I'm actually fine in this cage, as long as I don't touch the bars. Me and the girls been talking about tanning. Cool. Cool. So should I then go find the girl who's being assaulted or is that? We're sure I walk outside. What do you ladies think? My name is Landau dad. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay. So now he's going to go outside, apparently, which I don't understand why he goes back out the same hole they went in to begin with, but it's in a different place.

I wanted him to just leave life. It's a flash cut to him eating in a diner and just talking to himself, man, what a hell of a day. Glenn, I made it out of there safe. Seems like my daughter's got some new friends and something, something her cousin. Oh, days work for Lando crazy. Electrified cage of naked women, right. But we know that guy.

It's a dick. All right. But so he starts screaming. He runs outside and he starts yelling, Prince of Magic, I'm going to whip your ass. And just then the water falls all turn to blood. Who lay well, man. And apparently Prince of magic is in his full unit hard this time. He's ready to spin some heads, mother fuckers.

And indeed he does. He spins land all around in a circle which is supposed to be scary, but is not. No. Really want to be there when he got that power from Satan. Brits of magic. Yes, Lord Satan. I've come to wow. Did you decorate? Oh, yeah, you like it.

I... I love it. Seriously, did you like hire a designer? What's the... No, really, they have people in Pier One. It's like a whole thing. I love what you've done with the cage. It's not too guy with a bar in his basement.

You mean awesome? No, no, it's not. It's not at all like that. I really love it. Anyways, just wanted to come by and give you some Satan powers. Oh great. Awesome. What can I do now?

Like, throw lightning, melt my enemies with lasers. Fowers. You will spin your enemies in a deadly vortex. Wow. Yeah, like for hundreds of miles, the spin and they'll hit up. Sorry, just don't interrupt. But like, are they actually going to spin right in a spot right there? Like, so they just get dizzy.

Yeah, but like really dizzy though. Oh Cool Now I feel like you don't like it. No, no, it's I it's it's gonna be really great. It'll be great Yeah, you mean it cuz I when I came up I do I do I mean it. Oh My god are those wicker chairs 40 bucks get out of here. I know. I know. Good. Crazy.

Yeah. I mean, like, okay, imagine a guy spinning around with bad 1980s graphics. Like, how did they think this was going to look? Yeah. A lot more spinning based evil magic than I expected. The evil dizziness power, not so intimidating. Satan being like, go back to your tribe and tell of this day. When Satan made you kind of dizzy.

It's a weird, it's a weird thing. And by the way, this would have been a great time for the sidekick to show up and use his mediocre magic, just like a, like a really weak spin in the other direction. So it just slows down a little. A little. Like, oh, I'm slightly less dizzy than I would have been. Nice work. You're great.

Good. Good. Good. You're here. But apparently it was just, he was just dizzy enough to fall unconscious. So the bad guys, the minions throw him over a waterfall. Well, they throw something over a waterfall. Yeah, they throw a bag of leaves with jeans on over a waterfall.

All right. So now we go, we go back to Ranzo and he's finding two guys about to rape the cousin girl, right? They've been pulling that trigger for a really long time and they haven't quite pulled it yet. So he's had got to kick some ass with his lasers and his mediocre sidekick powers, right? It's got an amulet grenade. That was pretty sweet. Yeah. So he kicks enough ass.

And then we get this sad, sad analogy of Heath's love life afterwards. Okay. I feel like it's, it's better sweet. There's watch the movie. You guys tell me. I think there's some positive. Yes, we rescue is the girl, the, the niece and these two are in love and everything. And he's like, I've, I've saved you and they hug and they have a moment and then she pulls his cheek off.

She rips his face off. It's so amazing. Oh, this to the effects are so bad. And by the way, this is obviously not how this would go in real life. You really do love me. Of course. Oh, that was Machique. Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, it's fine.

It's fine. Oh, I got your whole cheek. No, totally cool. Totally cool. Fine, I'm actually fine. It's my bracelet. Yeah. No worries. Do not worry cool fine. I'm actually fine. It's my bracelet. Yeah, no worries. Do not worry about it.

Is it bad? It's my cheek. Oh, you're mad. No, no, not mad. I am just missing my cheek. I feel like you're mad. I feel like you want me to apologize to you for you ripping off my cheek.

You're mad. Every married man gets that joke. She's like Jim Acosta just blam so fast. There's frames missing. And there's also this amazing moment where like he's got his cheek ripped off and they're looking at each other and they do this extreme close up and they forgot that the little tube whereas blood is coming out is entirely visible. Sure is.

Sure is. And if you distract us from that, her chest explodes. Yeah, exactly. Well, the way it's just. Well, not before the movie literally forgets what it like the entire cast and crew forgot what was about to happen and the movie vamps for like five minutes. The soundtrack is just like, it's slowly going up a half step at a time. And like by the end, they're just like, it's just one guy pressing the highest note on

a piano over and over. And then her chest explodes when they're like, oh, chest explode, chest explode. Yes, right. And look, yeah, we've seen squibs on bear skin before in these movies. Every squib in this movie is on bear skin. She's the first, but every actor in this movie when their squib goes off is like, oh, that's how that's supposed to work. All right. Well, I think we all need a minute to recover from that scene. So we're gonna pause for a quick break But first let me give a act three the hard sell here Can Lando rescue his daughter from Satan's cage full of naked Filipinos in time?

Did I really just say that sentence? Why the fuck was there a water zombie? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the inscrutable conclusion of the killing of Satan. Hi, is this Stephanie's mom? Great, great. Yeah, I am Eli Bosnick. I'm from Volcarity for charity. Uh-huh. Yeah, no, I was wondering if we could hire your daughter to bully some people for it. Hello. Hello. Hey, Eli, what's she doing? Oh, hey, no, I just trying to find someone to help us out your daughter to bully some people for it. Hello? Hello? Hey, Eli, what's she doing? Oh, hey, no, I just trying to find someone

to help us out with all these roast for vulgarity for charity. And so you're, I'm calling random high school girls at home to see if they want the job, I figure. Wow, Eli, that doesn't sound smart. Ah, tell me about it. The cops have come like four times today. But you know what is smart? Go into zippercruder.com slash God awful movies to hire the right person.

Zippercruder. Is that one of those useless hiring websites that just like poster listing and charge you money? No, thanks Noah. Well see, that's what makes Zippercruder different. Zippercruder doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. It's powerful matching technology scans thousands of resumes, identify people with the right skills,

education, and experience for your job and actively invites them to apply. So you get qualified candidates fast. That's why Zipper Cruder is rated number one by employers in the US. That rating comes from hiring sites on trust pilot with over a thousand reviews. Okay, that actually does sound better than the usual job websites, but it's got to be crazy expensive, right? Well, that's the best part. Right now, our listeners can try Zippercrooter for free at this exclusive web address. Zippercrooter.com slash God Awful Movies. Wait a second, I can post a job and have them find candidates for me for free. That's right. Wait, what was that website again?

It was zippercrooter.com slash God Awful Movies. Zippercrooter.com slash God Awful Movies, huh? You know what? I'll give it a try. Give me one second Noah. Hello? Yeah, Miss Johnson, it's me again. I actually don't need to talk to your teenage daughter

after all. Zippercrooter, the smarter way to hire. Keith, on the other hand, do you like shut up? Hi, everyone. Welcome to set. I'm going to be your EM Devon. That's with a Y. Okay. Now, I like to run a fun set.

Can I get some quiet while I'm talking, guys? Yeah, sorry, just for a second, guys. Yeah, just real quick, guys, for a second, guys. Cool. Cool, sorry, just for a second, guys. Yeah, just real quick, guys, for a second, guys, cool, cool, cool. So yeah, fun set. That's what I run. Come to me if you ever need anything, unless I'm talking on my headset, then don't. All right. Now, where are my cage girls? Okay, great. Wonderful. Yeah, hands up. You can go ahead and head over to wardrobe. You will not be there long and snake girl. Hi, great. Oh, snake girl, too. Uh, hi, nice to meet you. And do we have dog and cat girl on set yet? Great. Okay, great. This is going to be a really fun day on set, guys. And again, no matter what, just like it's said in your

handout, um, no matter what Mr. Williams says about teaching your risk control, do not let him touch you. Okay? Okay. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our hero, he'd been tossed over a waterfall by the Prince of Magic's Unitard Squad. And now we're going to rejoin him floating the river on a piece of driftwood. Driftwood? The same piece of sentient driftwood. They saved him. It's pretty cool.

Driftwood like runs down the beach in Slohma like Hasselhoff dies into the lake. Does mouth to mouth unsure. It's pretty good stuff. Well, and see, that's the thing. Like at this point, you figure, oh, he's all, okay. So underwater zombie uncle is gonna help him here. This makes sense. Now it's gonna come, nope, nope, nope. Just also there was drift with there. All right, so we see him float there.

A mute kid from the Boulder field is there on the shore. He didn't die. Yeah. Mute kid looks like he's trying to understand the plot of the movie as he's dragging him. Yeah. Okay. So that we cut back to the Prince of Magic in his throne room. I dream a genius shows up to tell him that Satan is ready for his bride to be brought in, right? Also, the the kid who puts out the fire sticks, he had a dentist appointment. Also the the kid who puts out the fire sticks he had a dentist appointment

Is a is Howard still I need to open dry storage is Howard still here? Are we even fighting anyone else in the caves today? Do we even need to do this? I feel like Feel like we took out the two All right, so then we get land though recovering in a ruined temple Being watched over my mute kit right recovering in a ruined temple being watched over my mute kid. Right. Yeah. Now he knows this kid is mute, but that doesn't stop him from asking him complex questions constantly throughout this scene. There will be a speaking character in this scene and he will still turn to the kid and be like, so you're telling me and the guy's like, come on, man. What are you doing?

me and the guys like, come on, man. What are you doing? Yeah, yeah. And that speaking character will be Filipino Moses. Yeah. He's the, I thought he was Yoda at first, but yeah, definitely Filipino Moses describes his appearance better. He sounded like a Yoda and he kind of hobbled in with a cane, but he's going to be the old wise Moses.

He will find out in a second exactly what he is character. Well, right. Cause sort of because he's not going to tell him any useful info or anything. Anyway, yeah. So he's going to give him a stick, I guess that's about it. And and land was like, Hey, that's great. Mandy, have something else other than a stick to give me maybe some wisdom. Nope.

Or something. Nope. Just a stick. Here you go. Fuck up. Prince of magic with a hidden with it. I don't know if you know you can hit people with stick. I mean, doesn't it doesn't that guy have a boss who's even worse? Isn't it like even Satan. Yeah, oh Satan. That's what I'm talking about. So you did stick and I'm gonna go. Yep. You want to use your stick with him too. I mean, I don't want to be the guy who sees everything's a nail when he has a hammer, but you literally have one tool. So if it cannot be defeated with a stick, you are in trouble.

By the way, I'm God. Okay. Can we do, I hear you about the God thing. That sounds powerful, but it's just again, it's just a stick. Can we do like a training montage? Got it. You're going to want to take a left at the blood red rock. No, not part of the river. I want to mean like a training like, I'm gone. I'm just the guy with a stick now. I'm just the guy with a stick now. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, nothing. All right.

All right. So now we cut back to the cave and this is where Satan shows up. Yeah. Michael Sera on a juice fast Satan. But yes, Michael Sera on a juice fast wearing a fucking literal Satan costume from Walmart. It might as well still have tags on it. He could not be less intimidating. He looks like he's halfway into his costume for the nutcracker suite. It's about to be

a ballet dancer and, oh, it's the best. And he's his, his, his like underling the Prince of Magic, they're next to each other here. And they look like the fat guy and the skinny guy on the Russian team in ice hockey. Great fit Nintendo. Like the extremely overweight guy and the extremely underweight guy who do like Spider-Man and Times Square. Like it's just silly. He is so silly and unimpressive that at some point this movie will switch him out for a different actor in a Dracula costume.

They do. All right. So now Lando armed with his stick runs into the cave to kick some ass and he blows people up with his magic god sticks. He's not just a stick, it shoots lasers and shit. Oh, and by the way, the stuntmen are all screaming here because the squibs are going multiple squibs are going off on their bare skin. So instead of this being a montage of him using his laser powers, for me, this was a montage of stuntmen hurting themselves very badly, just a series of guys going, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

so okay, so yeah, he fights his way through that, but he goes back to the cage full and naked ladies. His daughter isn't there, but he doesn't leave her anything. Nope. He just stands there for a really long time. Yeah, he stands there for a while and he's like, hey, uh, hi, landowner, we met earlier. Don't know if you guys remember crazy looking at your eyes. Love your tape. Anyways, looking at your eyes. Love your tape. Anyways, anyone seen my daughter? You know, let me get out of this cage. There you go. So ink. Yeah, right. He picks the cage, disappear with his God powers. I want him just get naked and start staring at them. You like this? Huh? You're not saying anything. I'm trying to get you to help me help you. And you're just, you're like the fucking guards at Buckingham Palace. All right. I'm trying to get you to help me help you and you're just, you're like the fucking guards at Buckingham Palace, all right?

I'm gonna make them do it. I'm doing it. One of them laughs. Okay, now you have to help. She cracked. So. And the best part is he's like, all right, girls, you're free. And I wanted them to be like, did you bring us clothes?

And he's like, oh, no, but you know what, just wander. Take a left at the blood red rock. I feel stupid. Well, yeah, well, and it's like and by the way, I knew you were here this time, right? I could pack in. I'm not even gonna give up my fucking denim jacket for one of you, but yeah. All right, so he frees the naked cage ladies and then he goes off to fight the Prince of magic. So it's time for another one of these awesome laser fights. There is absolutely no way to describe this fight except for those noises little kids make the movie. So much of that a lot of pupe you. Yeah, then there's a partner like his he's trying to rev up his elbow shield,

but he can't quite get it. The Prince of Magic keeps like stopping him before he can. And then Prince of Magic does a bad guy multiply, right? Like adds minions. Yeah. Yeah, all those minions are just like inside of him or whatever. And he becomes himself dressed as like apparently the Prince of magic is all the village people we find out right here. Yeah, a cop and a banker and a cowboy.

And what's amazing is you can watch every time he multiplies costume get lazier and lazier like. Yeah. Now I'm in a night's outfit and a wizard's outfit. But the tenth multiplication is just like I have, still have a mustache, but it's, it's twisted down. So, bandana technically pirate. There was a Navy guy, right?

Okay. Leather guy. That's just let any leather could be leather guy from village people. I'll do a naked one. I saw Lando doing that earlier. And speaking of it, so now he's going to start kicking ass, but he's going to go through a series of superpowers that include Superman breath that blows people away. Again, wind machine laser defense laser offense followed by throw a coconut at a dude.

Yes. It is as though it is the culmination of his power. It's like laser. I want to sub that in for every dragon ball, the episode where they spent 45 minutes building up the spirit bomb and then go to just throw as a coconut. Those are really hard. You know, the ones you get in the supermarket are actually already like kind of open. Oh, good jerk. So yeah, and then Prince of magic is like using his lasers, but Orlando is absorbing all of them.

And so the Prince of magic explodes. It's like Harry Potter versus Voldemort, but like LARPers do it. And it's stupid. All right. So now, Orlando's rushing along and the movie gets wildly distracted. I don't know if this is like just all a continuity error or what, but so he's rushing along and he hears an old woman crying. Now when last we saw him, he was running through a cave trying to find Satan.

So apparently this old lady was just taking his shortcut through the cave of Satan and had a slip and fall. And land was like, well, yeah, no, I'll help you get home. I can stop my daughter from marrying Satan anytime. I, yeah, timelines in this movie are not great. Come on, let's take you home. Yeah, you want to stop at shop, right? We can pick you up some cat food or something. Yeah. And of course, the lady can barely walk. And he's like, Oh, here you go, mysterious old lady. You can have my magic god stick and use that. I just wrote my notes music note, the Filipino ninja just handed the old lady the source of

his power. Now, it's probably worth noting here that this is not going to later matter. Nope. Right? Mm-hmm. But yeah, so okay. So he takes her home. They walk into her huge ass hunting cabin.

This house is filled with taxidermy to animals like the fucking closet and lost boys, but as a house. Oh, it's like, it's got like a neon sign that says like evil cabin of Satan here and he walks in and he has no idea. He's just like, oh, nice place. Lots of, uh, tusks. Good, good space. They might as well just have a giant pile of dead animals in the center of the floor. All right, but there's also two sexy young women there that are going to seduce landau and he's like, yeah, okay. I love he's just like, okay, let's see how this plays out.

Not necessarily a bad thing. Daddy can ever reward before he saves his daughter from being the brightest Satan. There's no reason to not see where this goes. Just one thing. Don't take this the wrong way. Um, are you the secretary for Satan? Is there? No, okay, does this stupid. Sorry. Never mind. We need to ruin the mood, landau idiot. Just keep going. And this moment in the movie has one of the best performances I've ever seen in any movie. So girl number two will have a sexy strawberry and she will eat it sexily.

Girl number one is given an apple and asked to eat an apple sexily, which is fucking impossible. But you know what? This girl gives it absolutely 100%. She's like, I want to check it. But this girl gives it absolutely 100%. She's like, I want to try. There we go. Yeah. She's skinned.

She tried so hard, but she does not do well. I guess nobody can do well with the sexy apple dance. She likes chips of tooth and almost chokes to death keeps dancing. It's pretty great. Look, if you want to send us a video of you trying to do a sexy apple dance, go for it. I'm telling you, it's not possible. I showed me they bought diet Pepsi. I'm just saying. Oh, and then, okay, this is where we realized that this entire movie is just becoming an

analogy for Heath's love life, right? Because the... Because it's a chocolate strawberry kiss thing? Yeah, right, right. Yeah, she goes to give the dude a chocolate strawberry kiss and it does not go well. Well, that's the best. I mean, like, I'm going to be like, all right, listen, are we eating or are we doing sexy stuff?

Like, it can be... It can be both, but let's just be clear on like, okay, how many strawberries do we get? Like let's do and we'll snap it out. I just need to know, I don't really want to share them. Like, oh, just to vaguely share them, you're going to have a little bit of, that's stupid. No. Or do your own strawberries.

Or do your own strawberries. Exactly. Like I got the amount I wanted. That's what I do when I order things. Pepper girl seems great. Yes, we goes to do the strawberry kiss with her. And just in that moment, she turns into a snake and he has to fight like a feeling she's more badass, just as her than as a snake. But no, he has to fight her as a snake now. And again, this actor has a snake thing because

he has to beat the shit out of this rubber snake for 97 hours. And then so yeah, he so he beats up the snake, but then cat girl shows up what the apple girl turns into a cat or actually, no, she doesn't turn into a cat. She starts making cat noises and cat attacking him. Yeah. And she like scratches at him and he kicks her in the balls and she turns into a cat. Yeah. And then the one, the other girl, the strawberry chick becomes a dog and also in the same moment heath's dream girl. I can hear he Heath loudly rooting for the dog from my house as I was watching this movie. My only note here was who's a good girl. What?

And then the dog starts winning the fight too. I got excited. I was like, get inside the guard. Good. Psycho show. Yeah. There is a hard cut. And that is because you very clearly see one shot of this guy just getting attacked

by a yes. Yes. They pulled out the bar was like I had to come with a breaking stick and get him the fuck off. All right. So meanwhile, Satan has four jowas bringing him land those daughter. By the way, he literally transforms into a different actor at this point. Like they obviously acted out the rest of this movie with Michael Sarah. And they were

like, this is fucking ridiculous. Day. You were Dracula for Halloween. Get in here. Come on. Yeah. He suddenly morphs into his Satan talks. In case he didn't look silly enough already, but he's going to get married. He's got to wear a Satan talks. Well, he starts looking like Abraham Lincoln. What did he not exactly look like Abraham Lincoln at the beginning of the scene? Lincoln at Lincoln memorial sitting in that weird throny thing. Yeah, yeah. Satan, a Republican, exactly. And then a vampire. All right. So they bring in the daughter. She's unconscious in naked because most of the women in this movie will be that in a certain

point. All right, so now Satan's standing over the bride. This is where he pours one out for the homies. Oh my God. It's him. You watched this day, they gave him two cups and they were like, yeah, just do a Satany thing. He was like, all right.

So cheers to me. Oh, then, hey, Makarena. Makarena. I just wrote in my notes, me and Anna did this at our wedding. It was lovely. Yeah, lovely. Yeah, she was pouring blood all over her and it's so funny because like you can see him fucking with the actors.

He could start to go around her head and he's like, not fucking, I'm getting you all in your hair. All in your hair. Oh, because you know she was like, don't get it in my hair. And he's like, hey, hey, also, by the way, they clearly can't show this naked girl all the way. They've shown us full frontal nudity so far. I hope with adults, but they can't do it because this actress is definitely underage, which means they refuse to find someone who isn't underage to be this part they could have just got.

Or maybe she's just the big star that had the no nudity clause. You know, could have. Yeah. The Filipino Mero Strip. All right. So then, all right. Lando is still looking for Satan quick before he marries his daughter. So this is where it comes across the red cube rock that, um, the Filipino Moses told him about, oh my, it's the bad. Like

again, when Filipino Jesus slash Moses described it to him, he was like a blood red rock, but it's just the silliest possible rock you can imagine. Well, it first of all is a perfect cube. It's, it's a video game secret entrance that might as well have a spinning hologram that says video game secret entrance. Yeah, so tough. So okay, and then at this point, Lando just starts calling out Satan. He's like, Satan, get out here. This movie's only got like 11 minutes left now.

If the rest of the movie was just 11 minutes of Lando yelling and Satan marrying the daughter anyway, I would. All right. But yeah, so suddenly a guy in a green shirt comes up and he's like, who are you? And he's like, I'm the caretaker. And I'm like, are we really introducing a new character right now? But no, there are four minutes left in this movie. Yeah, but right, but are four minutes left in this movie. Yeah, but right, but this

is actually Satan in disguise and Lando can tell because Satan has a red shadow. Is that what that was? Yes. It was the red pants and shirt laid out again with the spray paint though. Right with horns with horns with horns. Yeah, exactly in case the red shadow didn't make him easy enough to block out of a crowd. And there's this great little moment too. He's like, oh, you know, you're right. I am Satan. I am the prince of dark now. Okay, that kind of tripped. He like tripped. They're on the stupid like rock bar area. And he like stumbles down a little bit and like sprains his ankle. And he's like, no, it's I'm fine. It's just, you know, when you're going down

stairs too fast and you kind of, you don't fall down on them, but you get caught up in the speed of it and you're like, ah, ah, ah, ah, jump. Fine. That's what Satan does and they kept it. And then Satan disappears. He's like, yeah, you know, look, I'm going to fuck your daughter or something. And land those only recourse is to stand there calling

Satan a pussy, right? This is why you got to get Satan one of those leashes that attaches to a teddy bear backpack. That's what you need. Right. But this is when Satan disappears again, right? And then he reappears. Well, the rock catches on fire and everything. And he appears on top of that. This is also where Lando tells Satan about the power of love. Oh, it's the bad legs. Satan appears like in fire and he's trying to yell at Lando and taunt him some more and Lando like can't see him at first. And he's like, no, land oh, land oh, no, but behind the big fire. No, I'm like, I'm in it. I'm in. I'm in. Okay. Look up.

A boss. I'm on the frog entrance. We're gonna do it again. I'll do it over. We're fine. Fight. Whatever. Let's go. We're fighting now. We're in a fight. Yeah. Yeah. And Satan is a good sport. He says, Hey, I'm going to fight you as a mortal. And he's like, that's weird that you would do that if you had a choice. One hand tied behind my back. Who knows? Right. But to lead up to this fight that's about to happen, they do this like slow moving scene like Lando is giving this emotional speech to Satan from all the way across this field from the fire rock where Satan appeared and he keeps making like big like dance moves with his arms and getting closer and then Satan teleports closer and then Satan like slowly walks toward him. They do like the laser beam fight thing But Satan just walks slowly through the laser beam closer And they actually end up in each other's arms literally in dance position Right the way you would start like ballroom dance position and honestly I did this is the

Everybody who watched this movie go back and do. If you turn off the audio and play time of my life from dirty dancing, this scene is the greatest thing that's ever happened. Is it so fucking good? They literally do the lift, they do the big lift. Yes. And Satan throws them into a ditch, which is a little bit different, but like maybe that would have been better for dirty dancing. I don't know, but it's the greatest. And that's seen right there. We throws them in the ditch. By the way, landows starts rolling, but it's a very mild slope. And he's rolling way too long. He slows down and then speeds up and getting a couple of times. And also, okay, so we were watching this on YouTube. And it was obviously taken from a VHS tape. And this is the part

where the tracking goes nuts because this is obviously the part that you would rewind to and jerk off to the most. Satan at one point goes for the heart pull and temple of doom. And he's like, Oh, we didn't get that effect. I thought, okay, I'll just pick a moment of throw. We use the chest explosion on the girl because we didn't know that in that scene. Right, right after the vamping. And so but later is getting his ass kicked, but just then he prays to God and we get a bingo. I really did not think I was going to get a bingo on this movie. I got a bingo right there. So okay. So Satan at this point summons this pitch fork and God sends land on that magic stick again that he never

lost, right? He just suddenly didn't have. Also, Mute Kid is there. He's squeaking. He's watching. And Orlando can't get his ass kicked with Jesus watching. That'd be embarrassing. It's the best. All right. But before we can get to the hardcore stick on pitch fork battle, Jeannie and the other lady minions decide that they're going to bamfop and kick land those ass force satin, right? Right. And I didn't, does he boom, explode them with his stick or is that them boom splitting as a distraction? Because then he undoes it.

Right. I had no fucking, they all suddenly turn into fire and I'm like, wow, he kicked their ass or vice versa. Are they trying? I don't, yeah, I had no idea, but I think that's what it is. They turned the fire to try to burn him up, but then he uses his stick, which is slowly walking in a circle move to put the fire out. He walked around it like, have you ever seen one of those like the thing with a mule grinds

the corn or something? He walks around it like that speed with it. And then we get this unbelievable, because I thought for the entire movie, like, all right, well, I guess they're saving the choreography up for the final fight. This fight choreography is so bad. They weren't, they clearly weren't even shooting for good and wouldn't know how to if they'd chosen that. Oh, there is, there is literally only one way to explain this fight choreography. And action. Guys, I said, I said action.

This is the big battle against you and Satan. Right. Right. But we, we never went over this. We never went over this. We cut out a whole day for the fight choreography for this thing. Yeah. But remember it got pushed up to next week because we did snake girls birthday.

Snake girls birthday. Oh, right. Snake girls birthday. Oh right, snake girls birthday. Right, but we didn't move the shoot. We kept the shoot day, but we moved the choreography. Shoot right. Right. Right. Yeah, so what do we do right now?

Yeah. You know what, just just wave the sticks around to each other. It'll be fine. It'll be great. Just wave them around. You sure? That's gonna be fine. It'll be great. Just wave them around. You sure? That's gonna be it. Hey, what are they gonna do?

Make fun of us on a podcast. What's a podcast? Exactly. Action. I feel like that explains a lot of the choreography in this movie. This is just, it is just two middle aged guys waving sticks very slowly near each other and being like, okay, you're, you're turning.

Um, this could have been me and Eli at Andrew's office and just. Yeah, but like at this point, Lano's pulling all the punches out here. He uses red square lasers, blue circle lasers, green egg lasers, the green egg lasers seem to be working good. And at one point, he gets distracted by putting his magic staff like near his face. Like, you know, if you put like your hand really close, you like, he loses his depth perception. Like, he's like, I squish you.

Wait, fuck, okay. I'm fighting the devil. I got distracted there. That was stupid. Yeah, but apparently the green egg lasers are just enough. Satan catches on fire and then disappears. Feel like Satan catching on fire wouldn't be a big problem for him. So yeah, so he catches fire and then he disappears. And all his jowas down in the cavern with the daughter, they all disappear. The red rock explodes, the red tree rock from before. So did the Satan minions get raptured because Satan got killed? Does that what happened?

I guess he's like the central pillowcases. It's not good. Something like that. Now you would think that would be the end of the movie, the killing of Satan, right? You would think there wouldn't be a whole new unrelated action sequence elsewhere. Cut over the Senate. There's a bunch of pillowcases falling.

So all right. So now we're going to cut over to Lando's wife. She's looking over a beach and she's super worried about the climax of the movie. We'll come back to that. We're going to come back to his wife for quite a while, but before we can do that, we cut back to Lando who is wandering through the hell caves to find his daughter. I feel like logistically you just put the daughter in the final battle in the same place and you can save yourself this scene, but no.

No, they needed this, this actor needed to beat the shit out of as many fake snakes as they could get for him. Well, at this point, they're not fake, right? This, they absolutely just had some guy smack a bunch of snakes around with a stick for this shot. I want him to be like, oh, wait, hold on. I'm like all the way Christian. Now I can like pick these right up. Do it.

Jungle, these are the fucker. New Jesus catch. The kid just gets momized. Yeah. During this whole moment, I was like, best worst animals were 100% harmed in the making of this film. Yeah. Yeah. So all right. So he smacks and we should also point out because they're going for a bunch of snakes, but they don't have raiders of the lost dark money here. So it's just like nine snakes all on the same stair. Yeah. There was absolutely after this movie a conversation

with some guy who was like, so where's my snake collection? And he's like, oh, how do How do you feel about wind machines? How do you like to be the proud owner? Wind machine. All right, so Lando fights his daughter. He covers her up. They like the caseful and naked chicks earlier. He couldn't even spare his fucking jagged for his daughter. He'll cover up with one of those jawa pillowcases.

And then we cut back to the beach where the wife sees Satan's red tree rock from earlier up here. And now there's a great whirlwind coming up the beach. Let me clarify, someone wanted to blow this woman's clothing so that they could see her underwear. Yep. And they were like, that is the only way you can use my wind machine. If I can have this very separate cut of this woman struggling against the wind with her

dress being blown up for four seconds or forever. And they were like, okay, because the movie immediately ends. Yeah, I thought that this scene existed because they actually had a bad storm when they were filming and they're like, oh, production value, I thought that this scene existed because they actually had a bad storm when they were filming and they're like, oh, production value, get the kids out in it. But yeah, the tornadoes coming, everybody has to run to the chapel, but, oh, and then we cut back to Lando, right? He tries slapping his daughter awake for a really long time till the actress is basically like, stop it.

Do the stuff. I'm awake. I'm fine. I'm fine. I know they say I'm not fine yet, but I'm I am. Leslie Nielsen runs in and slaps her. Yeah. But then he uses his stick. A laser comes out of it and wakes her up. And she's like, Dad, Array, why am I naked, covered in blood and wrapped in a trash bag? He's like, it's a long story why am I naked covered in blood and wrapped in a trash bag? He's like, it's a long story. It really doesn't even make sense once you know the story. I don't know why Satan wanted you.

It's long. I wouldn't say it's a story. It's long. All right. So, yeah, now we, and also, so we cut back to the beach where everybody's running in the wind. And at a certain point, it is buster, keyton-ass, right? The people falling over top of each other, drop it, throw it in kids and shit.

This, I do just picks up a little girl extra and body slams the shit out of her like spinning pile driver. It was crazy. Yeah, but just then back in wherever it is that Lando is he finds the little Jesus statue From earlier in the sand and the wind stops Yep, the end. I'm all fucking a librarian with a yo-yo people. What did I tell you? What did I tell you? All right, so to close things off tonight I want to make sure we all walk away from this thing with something to show for it.

So what the fuck is the moral of this story? Don't loan your stick to an old lady no matter how many dead animals she has in her fuck cabin. Okay, all right, that's good though. That's good. That's good advice. He's anything. Uh, if they go low, we go. I honestly, I feel like that could be better slogan in 2020. I would vote for that. All right. We're counting still. No, he won.

Oh, he was still counting. I gotta get Jill Steyne out there. Help us out. All right, well, that's gonna do a far review of the killing of Satan. That's not gonna do it for the episode just yet, because we still need to lure you back for next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck saved by grace. Oh, that's what we're doing in it. This is this one was Joey in it.

This is our Thanksgiving Spooktacular. I don't think that works with Thanksgiving. It doesn't really work with it. It has Thanksgiving in it. Yeah, there you go. Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving. The turkey, the turkey. There's turkeys.

Nope, no turkey. There's a Thanksgiving. Thanks. Meal tag. Yeah, something. We'll get a tag. By this time next, something we'll get a tag. By this time next week, we'll have a tag killer. Motherfucker.

Yes, tag killer. A tag killer. Okay. So with a tag killer to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 169 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful.

And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show in all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating ad, citation date, and the skeptic grad available in iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email gotoffamouysatgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P.A. Drittoris, Tim

Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slott and Evel Drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morden Clark, and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath and right Neely Bosnick, I'm Noel Luzon's Promised Door Card to earn another chunk next week. Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

The sentient driftwood and the slow-motion boulder looked happily ever after, and they got into some weird stuff. No, beat me with paper again, beaten. Mut kid went on to take second place in season one of American Night. He then went on to marry Dog Girl. They have 17 puppies. You want to fuck some scissors? We'll freeze them. I know a guy.

Get ready for some fucking crazy Morgan. I mean, I know I say that a lot. I feel like I wish I had never said it before so that you could think to yourself, oh, wow, this must be really crazy for no one who have said that. Imagine, imagine if my sound effects requests for Bible peace theater were a movie that's there you go. We're working with tonight. That's pretty much it. All right. and we've got an ad here for zipper. It's dog and cat girl. They're the best. This movie's so fun.

We're I just love that Morgan gets this first, right? Like I like to believe that he added it all of this and he's going like, what the fuck kind of movie are you guys watching? Yes, they're watching along. All right. Hello? Yeah, Miss Johnson, it's me again. I actually don't need to talk to your teenage daughter after all. Zippercruder, the smarter way to hire. the smurter way to hire. Heath on the other hand, Deila shut up. You're such a ass. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha All around all around the spectrum. I'm not an agist all over the map. Scatter shot wild card. Well, way in my face and you don't know.