God Awful Movies - 171: Ember Days

Episode Date: November 27, 2018

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of "Ember Days", the story of a white guy with dreadlocks making a movie so bad that the dreadlocks would become the second worst life decision he made. ---  If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

He could not care less. I mean like neither could I the plot of this whole movie. It's like a a dream about somebody else's office politics and I'm being told what's happening. No, she didn't say that to you. That's amazing. Pass the drawing. You and your friends are so hilarious. You are. Clever what Kathy said. Not Kathy. Okay. I don't need you. Never use names. Never use name, temperature. Not awful. Movie.

Movie. Movie. movie Welcome back to the gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema the genre not the senator elect I'm your host no illusions and sitting somewhere to my left is my good friend Heath and right Heath welcome back thanks Noah You know who's Candle doth flicker with spray stests in the castle. No, no, no, inevitable winter of our discontent. See it. Please just stop me from talking. I'm through enough and sitting somewhere to my right is my bad friend Eli Bostick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I am amazing. Amazing is how I am Noah. Alright. Yeah. Okay, because because I want

to put off talking about this goddamn movie before we even start, how about that Thanksgiving day, which is in the past for all of us. Oh, man. First day, did I have flashbacks to this movie? Oh man, did I have flashbacks to this movie? All right, so tell us Heath, what will we be reluctantly breaking down today? We watched Ember Days. It's the story of what happens when your drum circle at Bonnaroo decides to stay friends for real and make a movie together while they slowly run out of drugs and water. So it's a sadder and sadder by the end. And sets are his so Eli.

How bad was this movie? Well, if you love the dialogue of anime, but you long for the production quality of a Renaissance fair put on by a Swinger club. You will love this movie. And I do. I love this movie pointed. I not love this movie. Oh my God. This was one of the most difficult watches I've ever done.

Now, I wish to say, okay, so this movie was written by directed by and starring in dual roles, a white dude with dreadlocks. Right. And the whole movie seems like a desperate effort to knock those dreadlocks down to number two on that guy's worst life decisions list. Oh, is that that was dreadlock guy with the green shirt guy? Is the writer and the director too? Yep. guy with the green shirt guy, the writer and the director too. Yeah.

You could tell by the fact that he got to hold the sword the coolest. We're the fuck do we find this thing? This is a listener recommendation. A listener recommended me and was like, it's got a lot of wicking crazy and it's really bad. And I was like, ah, it's not, you know, thanks so much. We do the Christian thing. And he was like, literally message me back and was like, if you watch 45 seconds

of this movie and don't want to review it, I will give you $100. And I was like, Hey, man, you don't owe me $100. So for your information, let's do that. Listen to a favor and never tell me who it was. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah, I'm gonna go with best worst costumes Like day one the director was like okay Whatever you own that has the most come on it right now

That's what we're all wearing so So what we got, it's like part historical, part futuristic, part old Navy, and part, it's like SNM rollerblade instructor seems to be the general. It's, it's, it's steamspunk. It's steamspunk is the general theme. We have the occasional real person mixed in, which makes it so much better. Right? They occasionally they just found a real guy who was like, sure, I'll be in your fucking movie. We showed up in a button down and some gacky pants.

And they were like, we're going to paint your face gold. And he was like, oh, you crazy kid. Yeah, I mean, obviously we could have all just gone best worst costumes. There's really no doubt there, but he threw it his in first. So we had to go with other stuff. I'm going to go with best worst gun play. Yes. Right. Let's say John Woo is alive and well, but after this movie came out, he bought a grave just so he could roll around in it. It is so funny.

If these people had just been using their fingers, it would have been no more ridiculous. Not even, in fact, it probably would have been less ridiculous because they wouldn't have had like a civil war musket as a machine gun or a cannon as a handgun. The only possible situation that I could imagine taking place is that someone like priced out swords and priced out fake guns. And they're like, we spent that 200 bucks on that de jembe for Alan to play so that he could have the happiest moment of his life somewhere in the first quarter of this movie. So guns it is. Oh, shit.

All right, this is very personal to me. Best worst memories. Here's the thing, I was never a Christian and I was never really into Wicca, but I was into girls who were into Wicca. It is only by the grace of coincidence that I am not in this movie. You Google me long enough, you can find me in projects I am not in this movie. Yeah, Google me long enough, you can find me in projects absolutely as bad as this movie because of the exact same reasons everyone was in this movie. I, this was a lot for me. I went through a lot of experience.

I was like, Oh, there she is. I remember her. I wrote her a poem and she told me she was in a long distance relationship with a wood spirit cool. Cool. Straight notes. Oh, Eli, I don't mean to try to one up you here already. I live this goddamn movie for seven years. All right, well, we're going to need a moment to center our cheer something. So we're going to pause for a quick break.

And when we come back, we're gonna dive into all the, trying to fuck a chick with 11 piercings that is... Ember days. And I said to them, absolutely not, you promised we could use this alleyway all day. Good for you. Hi. Are you Keith?

Keith Olson? You may call me Moonstag. I do not want to do that. Anyway, I'm the camera guy and the props guy from Industrial Camera and Props. Where do I put this stuff? Oh, guys, the weaponry is here. Oh, I'm so excited. These are guns.

What? I was promised the middle hands of Rap-Nor. I know. Oh, that's right. Yeah, but your order, invoice, it says, effigies of the most deadly weapons, mandath, wield on the earthly realm. That's what exactly what it says. Yeah.

No, I meant swords like this one. Oh, the sun burns light. Right, but that's not. I bought it from television. Okay. Yeah. Well, this is what I brought you. So unless you want to like no, no, no, he shall do some in the Covenant away. You're very heavy friend fell down. He does that. Oh, it looks pretty bad. He's crying. I'm not the wind out of myself. I'm okay. And we're back for the breakdown. And I've got to admit, even just the pre-footage pan flute was giving me commune flashback. Right. And the obnoxious voiceover

somebody trying to do stupid shitty poetry. They just wrote is just like, believes turn from green to gold. The warmth gives way to the front. Like I better get to fuck this movie at the end of this. This is already

exhausting. Never get to fuck the movie at the end of this. Oh my God. Okay. So yeah. And as that shitty pseudo poetry is going on in the background, we see a chick with a sunscered, and she's got a sword and a gun and a Celtic key necklace. And I wrote my notes, oh my God, I fucked this chicken at some point and probably gave her that necklace. See, and I just summed it all up by saying, man, I can't explain how many of this girl we have tried to have sex with as a kid. You know, how like when the how to heretic guys talk about the Mormon church, you can tell it's really

personal and they like get it and it's like, it hits home for them. That's this movie for us. Just be aware. You're touching our tender spots. The centers for touching our tender spots. Yeah. touching our tender spots. Oh, yeah. So, okay. So she's walking through and she's apparently monoling like to be honest with you. Like, I never listened to the words. I just, like, there's some chick talking about how blue infused sun water centers or something, you know, or what?

Like that. It's just, it's just Charlie Brown's parents in my head. Yeah. You never have to listen to any of the dialogue in this movie. It's just it's just Charlie Brown's parents in my head. Yeah, you never have to listen to any of the dialogue in this movie. It's fun. Oh, well, by the way, one other exact quote from this part is, it is unclear whether summer will remain or if winter rises. And is it? I don't know if the winter uses Amber day is to take over the Queen's court, then obviously Winter for all forever come.

No, be ridiculous. He knows that winter queens always trying to usurp the natural order. I like you did not push back on that. Beat you up. All right. So then and he thought this is the scene introduction of the notice. There's literally no other way to introduce this, this next scene. So we then cut to quote, two ridiculous people walking through the woods. That's what's happening. Yep.

Yeah. I had it as your weed dealers, little brother in a neoprene fire jacket and a woman with overgrown pubes from a rostroferian muppet on her head. Oh, okay. Yeah. The gay burlesque magician who has the gun and then predators pot dealer daughter with him. See, I just have a couple who wants to have totally normal conversation with you inside the orgy dome at burning that. And by the way, this dude, like I guarantee close up on my knee length lace up boots was written in his contract like all

work and no play for the shining. Oh, God. Also, and they're being hunted apparently by bird Zina. Oh, this is a mate. So, yeah, we just described the two ridiculous people that were walking and the movie after putting them on camera were like, they were like, all right, well, now fuck, we need somebody sillier than the gay burlesque magician and the predator's hippie daughter. What do we do? Okay, Hentai,ai just let's a little shout out stuff. Just we'll

Okay, Hentai vampire got it. Uh, overweight prostitute. Native American. There we go. That great with an AR 15. And then Hentai vampire overweight prostitute, Native American. I saw it. Yeah. I have this character as steampunk turk. saw rifle. I have this character as steampunk turkeys. Yeah. And if you're wondering what's going on, keep wondering, but steampunk turkey eventually kills the other two ridiculous people and steals their bond or their blueprints or their sunflow. Yeah, I don't it's a tube. She steals their magic tube. My only notes on scene are, I get it. You're tripping in the woods, someone's hogging the water, you shoot them with an AR 15. All right. Now we're going to cut into a living room with a guy who lists community theater

parts on his resume and his pet talking snake because that is all that is on his resume. Well, right. Yeah, exactly. And by the way, this snake will give the best performance of the movie. This snake is so over this fucking movie. So very clear. Okay. So now this is Hermes, right?

And the snake has the spirit of a zeal in it, apparently. Yeah, the fallen one. Yeah, the scapegoat. And they need to find a zeal, a body that he can take over because he can't hold onto the snake's spirit much longer, but the fairy kingdom is taking too long. That's where this movie starts, people. That's where that's the plot that we distilled from what have what felt like 97 hours of this guy talking to a snake. Oh, I was so proud of myself when I plot that

description out of this garbled, angsty teen doing vaguely old, tiny dialogue. I stopped the smoke to bowl in celebration. I'm like, ooh, I get it. It's for me. It's for me. Time for a treat. And I want to say right up front, like these, these people are not actors and they don't feel like I can they feel like somebody is taking the role playing game way too seriously and everyone else is uncomfortable, right? It's closer to that than acting. First of all, I feel attacked by that sentence. I'm all you guys.

You really don't appreciate how good a job Michael Cain did in Muppet Christmas Carol until you see these teenagers performing with a snake. Oh, God, is it me or is this actor trying to suck in his neck fat? Well, at one point he breathes makeup onto his face, right? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, it seemed like he asked the snake to do it for him because it's a magical snake and it's just like, okay, can you just do my makeup really?

Like I'm in the macaque after work. I'm about like in 20 minutes, I got to go to hot topic for my shift, but then I'm in the macauto after that. So can you set me up for both of those things? Everyone in this movie was 20 minutes away from their shift at hot topic. Yeah, absolutely. All right. So yes, and to further distill the nonsense dialogue of this movie, they need the winter

queens help to make him human. So they can talk their open minded lady friend and to take a snake in the coach. That's what I was expecting, but no, it was so that they can hunt down the Titans. Oh, yeah, Titans. Get ready, everybody. And one of my favorite moments in the scene is watching the snake move around and fuck up their edits because they keep going back and forth

because they have to talk to a snake, but it's like the snake's intentionally fucking up their edits. He goes from like a square to a circle as they change angles. It's like smoking a cigarette and just to mess with them. It's the best. Yeah, it's like, it's like if you don't want to be on the news, you can always just put a middle finger in front of your face, it fucks up their shot. It's like that. The snake is trying to do that. Imagine all of these guys standing around trying to film the snake side of this dialogue

gives me the happiest and they just don't go away. All right, so now, okay, so Hermeson is snake buddy. Head out to go see the winter queen who is just down the railroad tracks apparently. By the way, like in terms of art direction, it is impossible to say what they're going for in this movie, right? They're going for set that's available, close you had on plus, you know, part of last year's Halloween costume throughout. Yeah.

I wrote in my notes, so do you want to costume or just what we're wearing, just what you're wearing? Okay. Okay. Here you go. So yeah, all right. So he walks down and before he can get to the winner queen, he gets stopped on the tracks by two men with paintball guns and last second Mad Max extra costumes.

Oh, this is bedazzled armor guy, right? Yeah, absolutely. And the guys that stop him are so late, they should like, yeah, for get out of the tracks. And like, we don't see anything. And he just stops and then like, looks to either side of me, he's like, you've stopped me in my tracks. Oh, I know. I said, you've stopped me in my tracks. all the way into the frame. Now you guys talk God. Damn it. But yeah, we the guys that stop and look absolutely ridiculous. These are

demons who have coordinated to have a badasler at their demon's lair, I guess. I so want to know how this came about. How this came about. Oh, that's awesome. All right, everybody, settle down. Let's get to meeting going. I want to hammer out the details on the armor. As real, what do you have so far? So I'm thinking lots of leather.

Yeah. That's right. Great. And just to be clear, I'm thinking like super sexual, like fuck dungeon leather, not bike or leather. Yeah. No, absolutely. Okay.

Question. Oh, yes. Fanglor. Of the Abyss and eternal Melancholy. Sorry, what? Fanglor of the Abyss and Eternal melancholy. Right. Yeah. Oh, you want me to say the whole thing every time. Yes, I would. Okay. Sorry. That's on me. Fanglor of the Abyss of the eternal melancholy. Question. Yes. What about shoulder pads? What? What? I'm thinking

we're going to need shoulder pads for a thing. I don't want to be that guy who shuts an idea down right away. Why do we need shoulder pads? The characters have assault rifles, they do evil magic, are we going to be checking people like hockey in your mind? Well, actually now that you've mentioned it, I wouldn't mind a little light checking. See, see. Okay, noted, I will look into shoulder pads. Right. How many layers were you thinking for the pads? Six.

Great, I was thinking six. Six, six. Great, yep, five feels dangerous. Good. Awesome. Great. Anything else before I order that stuff? Just, great. Yep, five feels dangerous. Good. Awesome. Great. Anything else before I order that stuff?

Just want to get it all in one order. Get a bedazzler. Bedazzler, I was just going to say. Bedazzler, yeah, we're in sync up. We seem to be right on the same page. We are demons. Yeah, no, I got, I wrote my notes at this point in this fucking movie. Every prop in this film

was purchased with ski ball tickets. If you can't get it with ski ball tickets, they don't have it. Right. They bought it with ski ball tickets at an arcade of a guy who no one is surprised turns out to be a pedophile. He was like, oh, yeah, they finally got him, huh? All right. So now we're going to meet the winter queen.

She suddenly appears behind Hermes and his snake. So close. Yeah. You can't really understand what she's saying, which I mean, I could have turned on the subtitles, but honestly, it doesn't fucking matter what they're saying. Right. Most importantly, it doesn't matter what they're saying because the shot is so close to her face, I can see her pores.

Like all of my notes are like, please go further back. Significantly further back from this actress. They're so close that the other guy can't even really get into the shot, but he's supposed to be in the shot. So he's doing like really difficult yoga poses. Like he just like slowly drops in upside down like spider man at one point. Yeah. Yeah.

And apparently she's she had to bring a body for the snake spirit to go into. So she's found the only black guy they know. Yep. They made the only black guy they know the bad guy. It was interesting choice. Also, I love to his mix in terms of a war drooping as well. The skirt made of a turkey. Well, going with the Nike muscle shirt, you know, it's the very clearly you will always be able going with the Nike muscle shirt, you know, the very clearly, you will always be able to see the Nike swoosh on the shirt. Yeah.

Interesting mix. But yeah, she's going to help them on their quest now. So they wander off to a different scene because there's only so many lines each of these people can remember at a time. And we get to see where she's trying to like, okay, so she's trying to talk to the snake. And at one point she's trying to look it in the eyes. Oh, it's amazing.

The snake does not want to look this woman in the eyes. So she starts like twisted around like olive oil in a certain way, it was rather fun. Never thought I'd see a snake not buy into a performance. Mailing it in like Stanley Tucci in the cord. Just, there you go. The snake got snake stuff to do. Believe I'm gonna consume 90 minutes of this film.

That's all my notes are at this point. It's just like, ever fewer minutes of how much of this I have left to consume. So okay. So now we have the scene where the winter queen has to do some hippie magic to turn to move the spirit from the snake into the black guy. Oh, she dances with some antlers. She waves around a feather fan. I just wrote mine out. It's Noah. How close to home is this hitting is this your agent Emma? I notice you have a take a lot of opportunities to touch her yoga instructor in this scene. But anyway, so she moves this spirit in there by hugging him rubbing his pectoral muscles and then crowning him the night of winter. Yes No rise and put on your sailing fuck gloves and grab your sword. You have the night of winter.

Go grab this sword that you will never have later in the movie because we only had one sword. What's the silliest possible necklace we could put on Satan in this scene? Oh, something from breakfast at Tiffany's? Perfect. Oh, ridiculous. He also gets an enormous cigarette gloves and a lot of breakfast at Tiffany's in there actually. Yeah, actually. All right. So now we cut to Sunskirt from the first scene. She's walking through the woods some more where she happens by the parking lot of a fish show. Yes. Oh, this was so, you know what, guys, we should just put this in the movie. You can smell this scene. It's the worst at smelling scene in a movie we've ever watched. And it starts out with another voice over.

It's just like they are the satyr, the ancient warrior druids. They live at Boneroo apparently. They're doing fire poy while I'm saying this. My speech sounds stupid now. If you get some bunk molly, they'll give you some real stuff. They'll figure it out. They know everybody there. Yeah, they are the fairy folk of burning man. And this is also where we're going to be. So she is supposed to be a goddess, right? She's Hacate. Yep. And of the crossroads of the crossroads, okay, they get and she

And she's in love with the writer director and star of the film white guy with dreadlocks Jeremiah Okay, that is what he is in my notes forever. And I challenge anyone to tell me that this is not our friend Jeremiah went dreadlocks. Yes, this is Jeremiah. Okay. So yeah, but, but, but because she's an Olympian and he is a forest fawn, she's not allowed to fuck him. And I would give literally anything to tap out of this conversation. Oh, this is where we have the crowd scene right where we meet Heath's favorite, who I just have as Aaron Raw playing the Jembe. Yeah, the guy playing the Jembe makes me so fucking happy. He's so angry.

He's like watch, just I watched this over and over. He's just like fucking the damn. Blam, damn, damn. Okay, Jumbe. It's so good. And we're getting another like voice over about like, he do obnoxious modern dance and they play Jumbe very, as you can see, very badly and angrily apparently they are weirdly sexual but their physical appearances don't justify that at all. Here they are. These are the druids of the forest. Yes, this is this is take nine where where someone like gave this cast a talking to her and they were like, for the ninth time guys, you cannot actually fuck. Yes. You can rub your noses to get no, no, cut a lingus. This is so simple, guys. It's so simple. We have made eight pours by accident. I just want you to dance around

rub your foreheads together. Thank you. Yeah. No, like, yeah, the dialogue was the monologue over the top or whatever was terrible, but it was all worth it for the crowd shots. Oh, and then they're about to end the scene and somebody was like, no, we just, we met the homeless guy who can blow the fireball. We got to use that, right? The guy from the dispatch show that we just met. He's homeless. All right. So now we cut to the set of their community theater where and they have not even tried to pretend it's something else, right? Like, oh, okay, this is the most ridiculous assortment of unrelated costuming we will

get in this entire fucking movie. Oh, it's a just a sea of ants and dads convinced to put on pirate costumes and S&M gear for Tiffany's The fat chick on the right is dressed like raggedy and Every everyone is in a different costume from a different period Keith's favorite was the pirate right? different period. Keith's favorite was the pirate, right? Why would there be a pirate? It's got a picture in it.

I have this down to say, Village, people of shortman of unrelated costumes. Oh, listeners, listen to me. I know I tell you, oh, watch this movie, watch this movie on and a party and ignore it. Don't like sit down to watch it because you all get bored and you'll be like, just put it on in the background and then occasionally someone will be like, hey, what the fuck is that? I don't know, man, it's just what's on Fox News right now. I just try to talk to you. That's what's on. All right, but this is the court of the summer queen and she's

concerned. She can tell some's up, some kind of act one shenanigans about. Yeah. Yeah, she's complaining. She's like, why is nobody bringing me crops and heirloom ecstasy that we all so grow? Why is there a pirate here also? I'm a list of questions. She makes no fucking sense. Raggedy and and yeah, so she says, I will summon the summer night here. Take your sword so

that you and our tall black friend can play swords. Now we're expecting a sword fight to come from this, but they only had one sword and there's no fucking way that Tom was going to let anybody clink another sword against his fucking sword because you don't really do that. That just fucks up the blade. So Azazel doesn't have a sword and just needs the summer night in the ball sport times that are so good. Okay. So the winter queen and her entourage show up at their half finished basement. And there's a scene in there where, okay, remember Bird Zena had to grab

the scroll or the bong or whatever it was in the first scene. So they have to throw that at the feet of the summer queen, but the person who throws it throws it so aggressively throws it to our our hard Ryan. Stop. I'm wearing sandals always. I mean, I know I'm never not wearing sandals, including really nice events where I shouldn't wear sandals, but I'm still wearing sandals. Owl. You have thick socks on though. You should be fine. It's. And this, by the way, is the first time that the winter queen will attempt to pronounce the name a zezl. Now, there are multiple pronunciations of that that are correct. You just got to, got to stick with one, right? And she doesn't hit any of them

by the way. She's not finding like original Latin. She's like, ah, Zezem, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel, Zemel samples in room. How many Z's do you think is in that work? Just out of curiosity. 11, you're holding up 11 fingers. She probably could handle that. Okay, yeah. But Azazzo fights the summer night. Well, not really. They, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're trying to do the, like the thing from 300 where you're going really slow,

but then you're going really fast, but they don't have the cameras to do that. Right, so the guy was just like slow, slow, slow, fast. Slow, slow, slow, fast. All right. Yeah, they're trying to do it manually. Like that's supposed to be a camera thing. And they, yeah.

You guys know that was done in post, to do it manually. Like that's just the camera thing and they yeah. You guys know that was done in post. Oh, that would make so much more sense. Oh, what's post? Yeah. So how do we get there? The post office. All right. So Azazel wins. And then Hermes shoots the summer queen with his make you disappear and be in a forest gun. Yep. Right. And then her whole entourage guns down the summer queens, village people on tarage to violin music. Okay. Here's what's amazing. She's like, she's so they all line everyone up for like a firing squad moment. And she goes, minstrel, play me something. And he's like, what kind of music do you want? She says, play me something cold.

And then they should remember, but I wanted so badly for the menstrual to be like, ah, so cold is actually not a descriptor of music. Literally any other kind of word would be great. Something has to do with music. Yeah. Yeah. So, and then of course, there's the whole bit where she like, ferry dances in front of them as they're shooting, you know, because somebody thought that was going to look cool.

And she is so much older than anyone who's in this movie should be. Yeah. No, you should not, you shouldn't have to be like, mommy's gonna go be in the movie now. Enjoy high school. It's not, no, it's not good. Yeah, I mean, this movie would have been a lot more comfortable to watch if everyone in it had been like 19.

Absolutely. Hey, look at these dumb 19 year olds. The lock in. Ah, look at them go. Lots of people here were like, I'm sorry, I just have to go see my mortgage broker and then I'll be there for the court of the winter queen scene. I just got to, they just moved us over to Wells Fargo and they won't set up auto pay without a signature. So yeah, I will bring the swords and leather fucked all in my minivan, which I own, yeah, because it was a smart choice for

all the children I have. So okay. So now we cut to sunscreen. Her and dreads are in intent and he's playing twinkle, twinkle on a liar. Oh, this is amazing. Jeremiah playing the loot for his polycule is what I have in this. So yeah. So this is the scene where his some spirit, the spirit of Shemihaza, Jimmy Changa, Jimmy Changa is going to overtake him at this point, which it took me a long time to figure out that's what was going on because when he starts doing this, I'm getting possessed, rattle. I realized that they were on a water bed in a tent. I spent a moment on that.

They had a water bed in there. In a tent. Yes. Uh-huh. This whole set is insane. I know I guarantee you that this is just a fucking yurt where the goddamn summer queen sleeps. Yep. Yeah. On the nightstand that they also have in their tent was an apple. I mean, okay, whatever. Also a giant ring of wooden skeleton keys, like, like he's a janitor for the Kebler elves or something.

It's a weird thing. And eating pomegranate, it's just amazing. Okay, so apparently his spirit is being split off so that this actor can take on dual roles. He's that good. And one half of his spirit, the spirit that is the hymn part, is now in the forest with the summer queen who disappeared when she got shot. By her knees, all of these words make sense

in context of the movie. But in the real world, Hekite'sA's lover has been taken over by Jimmy Changa. So she holds him at gun point and makes him explain. Yeah. I have to have the crossroads. Thank you. Big it. And during this explanation scene where the demons like, I'm here to get a seizl and

that's why I'm playing two parts in this movie. We very clearly see this actresses arm get tired of holding the fake gun. So she might as well rest it on something and be like, I still got him. Keep an eye out. Yeah, but he proves that he's telling the truth through magic touch. Right? Yep. And so now the two of them are going to set off on a quest to stop Hermes and Azazel from killing the Titans. Right. But first he has to hide his face right. He puts out a mask and it has nothing to do with how wonky his teeth are. It just he thought it would be cool. If his character had a mask. It's it looks like his teeth are it just he thought it would be cool. If his character had a mask, it's it looks like his teeth are all waiting in line at a DMV, but not well, you know, like it's

spread out and you're like, Oh, it just could we all just pick a line, but his teeth are like, no, no. And it's just a tiny moment, but just as this scene ends, he like puts the sword away. He gets the so the fancy sword of the movie. And he goes to like strap it to his back, but he doesn't have a thing back there. He tries to, he doesn't have a hilt. So he just sort of like gently lays it across his back and sort of waddles balancing it out of frame. It's the best. Yeah. Okay. And so we have this scene here. And this is such a weird scene because the two characters that we're looking at are are having a dialogue, but the dialogue is happening off camera

at some other time because these two actors couldn't remember their lines and could only read this off of a page. So instead of like watching them have the conversation, we just watch them stand in an alley while a cameraman runs around them until he pukes. Yes. Somewhere there is the sound of their friend Brian being like, the crazy billionaire money, I will just remake this entire movie shot for shot except with the sound left in for this. I thought they were going to start spinning around too. Just like, hey, can you guys just turn? I'm doing it for a while. You guys go now.

Oh, it goes on forever. And then they leave this scene by trying to sprint away, but they are really bad at running. So they transition just violently to running away. It's so good. Like the audio clipped just by watching its own movie. So meanwhile, back in the summer queen fairy forest, the summer queen can't decide whether her accent is British or Australian. She sure can't. And she has a good deal of come on her face. So here's the thing. They got this actress for her 50th birthday, some glitter makeup. And she has just slapped, she sprays it on or in somehow, I don't know, maybe she just sits under the goop, the

under the ball and just lets it drop. It's not a great look. All right. So okay. Then we cut back to Hermes in the winter night. They're about to go kill their first Titan, right? Except there's a moment right before they go in where the winter night is like, Hey, I don't have to keep wearing this dumb ass looking necklace. Do I? For the whole. Even I'm in this movie and I recognize that this necklace is too silly. It's pretty ridiculous. Give me a hand with this bedazzled leather turkey killed. Yeah, right. All right. So they go and they find a mechanic drunken in his shop. That's Hyperion. It's just a fat dude with eye makeup. So many of my wife's friends are in this movie.

So many of them. He's one of those Greek gods who wears a onesie from Dickies that says Dickies very clearly in the shot. This guy introduces himself by saying, we used to be gods and I just wrote in my notes, guy in a button down in eye makeup, we used to be gods. Yeah, so they have their used to be gods. And I just wrote in my notes, guy in a button down an eye makeup. We used to be God, right? Yeah. So they have there used to be God's dialogue. And then they have a gun fight. Now, there is no way that using merely words will be able to give you this gun

fight. But it's like they're moving underwater and they're using those laser effect guns that people get for kids whose parents they don't like. And they're, they're underwater and they're using those laser effect guns that people get for kids whose parents they don't like and they're both, they're both guys are pacing it like neither of them wants to get winded and they're moving around like neither of them wants to brush up against anything and get dirty. It's amazing. It's like they think they're doing a photo shoot for the matrix, right? But we're seeing all of it.

Yes. But there are kids in a fight. Like it was like, shot you. No, you didn't find gunfight. Gun shot mom. I shot him. He's pretending he didn't get shot. Like it's the best. Yeah, because they're just shooting at each other with machine guns from feet away through this whole thing. They just get running around. But I mean, machine guns or pistols from Nazi Germany. Yeah. Herbys has a pistol for, well, two pistols from Nazi Germany actually. Yeah, one, you know, balanced the other one in his other hand, not for shooting.

No, he only shoots with one. He only shoots the one. The other ones to cross and just balance with. Yeah. Yeah, but eventually Azazel wins. And then he has this, the pen is blue moment with his fist. Oh, where he's fist drawing the power. Yes. Uh-huh.

Yeah. So he soaks up the power of his first Titan only three to go. And then we cut to one of their mom's basement where Akate and Shemihaza are searching for. Can Delvequeo's basement is where? Yes. There's no question this scene began with someone laying out the rules for what we can and cannot do in the living room. Yeah, I love this moment too, because this is where they come across apparently Hermes

has the giant, like the book of the gods or whatever, the book of the giants, but they couldn't afford an old timey-looking book. So it's, it's just a large stack of, it's clearly one of their manuscripts. Right? It's just a large stack of like unbounded paper. And what's amazing is this scene is supposed to be Chimichanga the demon looking over the Nephilim regretfully and you know talking about the deaths of his children, but it just comes across as a family member showing you photo albums of one of their son who everybody knows has a meth problem. Just like, okay, there's Oya and I have, there's Alex, this is a boy. He's a good kid.

What happened to Alex? Shut up. Shut up. No, he's doing good. He's doing good. I think he's got a girlfriend there at the center. The center. I don't know. They said we shouldn't talk about it. That's what the doctors said. Oh, and by the way, the adventures in pronouncing a zazel continue into this scene. I just, I have to imagine there was one guy on the set who knew the pronunciation. What do what his day was like? Was like. I wonder what his day was like. It was like. Okay, and in this scene, Ah, Zazzle comes in.

And it was Keith. I wish you would. Sorry, moonstag. Yes, star phone. Kevin is fine, really. I feel for me more comfortable calling you star phone. Okay, sure. No, that's, that's Um, I think the name that you were saying before it's pronounced a Zazel

Pretty sure it's a Seasel Okay, but that's not even what you said like five seconds ago. It's now it's changed fat bitch Yes, Moonstack. How do you pronounce the name of the fallen one? Sorry, no, just no quick. Your name is fat bitch. The mother hind is fierce and her size indicates her dominance friend. Sure. Yeah. Cool. No, sorry. Go ahead. So anyway, the name of the scapegoat to fallen. I say sales.

Yeah. No, that's jewelry store at the mall. You know what? Never mind. Let's just roll with it. It doesn't matter. I love the mall. Me too. I bought my personality there. I bet it was like that about a lot of things. Yep. I bet it was. I bet it was like that about a lot of things. Yep. I bet it was. Okay. So Shibihaza draws a symbol, like a Chinese symbol or something in blood on his book. Well, he first he has to like look over his letter opener, longing leaf for a little while.

Guarantee of this is the knife he uses in his magic or his aphomeg. All right. So they leave from there and they come across Hyperion all dead and shit, right? They find out that Hermes and Azazel have already been there and taken away his essence. It's the bad. Hey, dude, can you breathe a little less, obviously, in the scene where you're supposed to be dead? Who's literally no. I'm winded from laying here. I had to wear my CPAP machine right before they called action.

So no. This is also where Shemi Haza uses the dry hump of destiny or whatever to learn that Hyperion was killed by Azazel. And this actor so didn't sign up for this. I see that. The Iperian actor is like, oh, get him off. Oh, he's on my, he's leading on my stomach. Oh, I'm hoping. I'm hoping. All right, we got a track where they went. Did you smell Iperian?

Do like, but like mount him and get right up in there. All right, I'll do it. You're the worst. You're footprint powers. This, your power is you can see footprints like we're tra, we're, we're trying to go with magical God speed. You have footprint power. All right, I'll sniff him. Jesus. Yeah, I will mount him like a pony and sniff him if I have a higher. Oh, yeah. Okay, but this is where they realize the what the plot of the movie is that they're going to try to kill all the Titans and take the Titan powers and bring back the Nephilim. So then Hermes gets back to his mom's basement and he smells that there have been intruders there. Oh my gosh, Someone come in my room. Mom. Did someone come in my room? It's exactly history.

You touched my drum set. Why are you sweating? But it's the best. At the beginning of the scene, he walks in. And he's like, I'm just going to sit down and much. No, this is a standing line. I was just checking the chair for when I'm done with this sentence that I will begin. Now, who does that? Yeah, but so he sees the blood graffiti and he's super pissed and this is when Azazel realizes that Shemahaza has followed him up from the pit and will be the protagonist in the movie. I've just written, I'm kind of like will be the protagonist in the movie. I've just written, I'm kind of like Shakespeare, the writer of this movie.

He like very clearly he thought he was writing a Shakespearean dialogue. Yeah. There's no question that he got some stone 13 year old and red lines from this movie and was like, guess what Shakespeare played that's from? Um, you wrote it? No, no, it's from, wait. You wrote it? No, no, it's from, wait, I wrote it. What? What did you say?

All right, you're a bad girlfriend. I'm an adult. Out damn spot, out I said, no, okay, you can't just add it right in. The blood on my book is ridiculous. I'm saying the blood. I'm trying to. It's out damn blood on my book. All right,'m saying the blood. I'm trying to sit out the blood on my book. All right. So, but now here's the thing though. The two of them can kick the shit out of some Titans, but they're not going to be able to do it if Hacate and Shemi

Haas are on their tails the whole time. So they have to go get more help from the winter queen. So they go to meet up with her at a shitty club where all the pool tables look come done and they use fucking black lights any way. Oh, it is amazing. Yeah, so she tells, okay, an enormous amount of this movie is characters recounting the plot to other characters, right? So we get a hot, a hot day in Shemahaza explaining the plot, then we get her, me and Azazel going back and explaining that they now know the plot.

And now we get them explaining it to her to winter queen for fuck's sake. We get it already. Yeah, all I have for this scene is, so this is like my favorite sushi place. Trust me, just get the omakaze. Like don't even look at the menu. Yeah. But so she tells them, Hey, we're going to. Like, don't even look at the menu. Yeah, but so she tells them, hey, we're going to need you to kill the main characters of the movie, right? And then she says, like, no, I can take care of it. He's like, are you sure? And then she,

like, is so pissed about the are you sure that she goes all blurry and echoey? Yes. She'll bring the worst fates upon them. And I just wrote my notes. She'll put them in this movie because that is the worst fate. Are your soldiers good enough winter queen? Look into my blurry face. We are in the winter course. And am I not blurry right now? Yeah, right. I don't know what that means. Just go to the next scene. whatever, don't be a dick.

He's fine, fine. Yes. We go to a potting wheel. We're, yes. Old lady data is there. Oh, okay. So I love this because look, the cast of this movie all got together and they're all in on it, right?

They're all like, hey, you guys want to dress like darkness clowns forever. Yes, I do. Personality's are hard, but this is just someone's pottery teacher, right? This someone goes to a Monday night pottery class and he was like, yo, would you want to be in my movie? And the pottery teacher was like, oh, huh, that's very sweet of you. But I'm not an actress. And it's like, no, you'd be like one of the Titans, a creator. And she was like, well, would I be wearing weird gold face and black eye makeup in the scene, except entirely my own normal clothes? That's exactly what you do. I'm in. I want you to know I'm 100% in, huh? He puts on unsained melody somehow. And what's happening now?

Yeah, we're doing the ghost thing. We're fucking. Yep. So he, Hermes comes in. He's here to kill her. This is Ray. Right. The second Titan.

And all I have in my notes is, oh my God, this is impossible to watch. Kill me now. That's, that's kind of one of the lines too. She's like, oh my God, this is such of just kill me now. Ha ha ha. That's that's kind of one of the lines too. She's like, Oh my God, this is such a just you're killing me right now. I'm out of movie. And they they try to make her death is really sad seen, but he picks her up and splats her on the ground with with splats sound effect. Yes.

And then and then he's like sleep now, mother of heaven. And it's like, you can't pile drive someone to like a, whoop, and then be like, rest in the agree angels sing the two thiesel. No, you get one of those. Yeah. And when you write that badly, maybe skip the reaction shot with the other actor visibly

embarrassed to be standing next to that line. He's just like, okay, God, I would, yeah, seen. Yeah, there was a lot of visibly embarrassed in this film. And now we have that little quick scene where the winner queen has to call forth the spirits.'re going to kill Shemihasa and Hakate. Yeah, the wild hunt. Yeah. And by the way, the music here, I'm guessing it said in the script, Muslim noises. Yeah, they just had to figure it out from there. Yeah.

And it's just like, sorry, it's just as Muslim noises. You want me to, yeah, you know what I mean. Like, don't get it. And it's so amazing the difference between what this is and what it's supposed to be right because the wild hunt is like a cool idea from mythology of these like demons that rove constantly on the hunt at the back of the winter queen. And then in the movie, it's just like three fat guys with very clearly plastic machine guns. Come on, everybody. Let's go stop making Alan climb hills. His wife's steady. They will make him climb

hills. Oh, yeah. And then she drinks the bowl of blood and then that's seals the spell to get the wild hunt. I guess obviously. And then she's got her two guards there. She that's seals the spell to get the wild hunt. I guess obviously. And then she's got her two guards there. She's like, oh, sorry, where are my manners? Uh, blah blah blah blah blah blah. You want to come get your blood, kids? Um, kid. Is there, is there gluten? Get the fuck out? You're the worst. All right. So now we cut back to dreadreds and some McQueen in the woods literally talking

about the weather at this point, like they had a boredom checklist they were going through. And the actress just has all the pain of being in this movie on her face is intense. The conversation is amazing. It's just like, we've been sitting here for a while. Yep. Do you like cilantro? Yep. I already talked about that actually. Because some people say it tastes like soap. I don't know if you know. Right. No, we said that too, because we talked about that. 20% of people think it doesn't taste like soap to me. Do you like Adam Sandler or can we just not talk? Can we just just go? You know, when you walk around a mall and you see shit and you're like, who buys this? The cast of this movie. That's right. That's my all the time. You're in a mall.

All right. So now, Akada and Shemihaz are walking through that exact same alley that they ran through earlier. Every single intermediate shot in this movie is in this same alley. Yes. Yes. This is they live in alley town where you get everywhere in this exact same fucking alley. So like normally that would mean it would just be like a day of them being like, all right, run down the alley, cut, great, run back, cut, great. But like they're stupid. So they probably like went back through this alley and like did it in time. No, they didn't, they didn't several different weather's right?

Because like a certain point winter has to start to fall in their movies. So yeah, they spent a year running down this alley. All right. So the, okay, then this is where they go and they find that Reya is dead at her pottery barn. And they're like, oh, we better hurry much faster to the next Titan or we'll just come across his dead body too. And this is where they hear the growl of the wild hunt that's coming after them. Okay, it's supposed to sound like a growl, but it very literally sounds like someone

flushed the toilet while they were searching. And they start looking up like it's going to come down. Yeah, okay. So they run around and this is the best gun play I think of the entire movie. And that's saying a lot because she comes out. She's got two machine guns. She's shooting them like, like a fire hose that got dropped right in every direction at once. Just spinning for no reason. Gunfire that puts Birdemic to show. Yeah. It's like Joe Pesci running out in my cousin Vinnie. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, what was it? What was it? It's very clearly shooting right at the other dudes hat. And they're just like, yeah, fuck it. Keep it. All right. Well, I guess nobody should be forced to revisit more than 45 minutes of this movie at a time.

So we're going to pause for a quick break. But first, I'm going to act three the hard sell here. Can they stop her? Me's in a zezel before it's too late. Did you say something? Have you ever really looked at a dollar bill, man? Find out the answers to other questions and less when we return for the somehow pretentious despite all the adults playing guns conclusion of Ember Day's.

Hey, so. That bitch. Sure. Yeah. Your name's fat bitch, right? That bitch. Um, fat bitch. I bitch. Sure. Yeah. Your name's fat bitch, right? That bitch.

That bitch. Uh, I don't want to upset moon unit. But um, you know, it's moon's dad. Yeah. Right. Moon, moon's tag. Sorry. It's just your movie thing is like 45 minutes long.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That was your answer though. That noise made, um, that was your answer, though, that noise you made. That's too short. Too short, yes. Yeah, so I was thinking, you know, how I also filmed you and you're my lover. Right, the older lady, our souls are timeless. Cool. Well, yeah, anyway, I was thinking maybe we could put that in the movie too, you know, just add it in so you could have more time. And then the movie would be an hour

and 20 with credits, which is long enough. Long enough? Yes. Well, guy from industrial, camera and sounds and music very well. Let us use the tradition and onwards towards a new anointment of time. We begin our path. Did is are you saying yes or yes, yes, just say the word. Okay. And we're back for more of this shit when we last left our heroes. They were rushing off to save oceanus But before we can pick up that thread they had two other friends who wanted to be in the movie

So we're gonna open up with a long-ass ferry folks getting their war paint on scene Oh, but and you were absolutely right that this scene only exists because she was like and I mean obviously I'm gonna be in the movie, right? Like I haven't seen my scene yet, but I mean he was like, oh yeah, you are the vengeance Barry The piercest warrior Yeah, and so it's a dude and a chicken the dude is putting makeup on the. The chick is just saying the plot of the movie again in dumb talk and trying so hard to make kiss happen that was not in the script.

And she's like several times in a row. She looks like a chicken, just like violently jabbing her head closer to this person. It's not working out. So good. I got to say this scene was worth it just to watch the, because at one point she says, we are the most ferocious warriors and the guy who's putting on our makeup growls, but he's just fucking granola vegan. They're fries at Christmas commercials. That's a treat I'm going to take to my grave. Him growling was amazing. Okay.

I, yep, you're right. We can't do it. Never mind. I take back. I was offended, but it's accurate. Yeah. No, I also noted, by the way, the failed kiss several times in my notes. Eventually, she winds up doing like the forehead thing, like a cat does to a coffee table

leg to him. And she ends the scene by going, I've chosen a few of you. And there's very clearly one guy there. I mean, one, we ran out of extra beauty. We went crazy in the summer scene should have saved our pirates. We blew up the door. the hand in the pirate when you need them. Right. But they're going to fight against the wild hunt. That's what's happening here. And she's like, all right, so we're going to do it.

We're going to beat the wild hunt. Historically, everyone dies every time they do this, but end of sentence. Let's go. He's, yeah. Let's go. Let's rub our foreheads together. All right, so now a zezle and hermys are going to kill somebody else, but hermys can feel Haccate's eye upon him.

And he's like, oh, there's a big action sequence coming up. I can sort of sense it from the music. What if the drama club puts on a Renaissance fare this year with our parents instead of us, this movie. Also, this is an amazing moment where he's, he's going to have a big fight with a Cate so as they only need to leave and he's like, Oceanis will be at the docks because, you know, ocean, ocean, you go, you go fight him. That is very clearly someone's unhappy dad. And by the way, if you expected that that would later mean that they'd go to docs to do some filming?

No, no, no, it's just gonna say it. But okay, but before we can get to that, a gun, he, Azazel leaves and then a gun fight breaks out between Hakate and shimahaza and hermys and a bunch of characters that haven't been the movie up until now. And this is my favorite part of the movie because this is the matrix lean. Yep. So both of these actors do several matrix leans, but they don't know that the thing that

was impressive about the matrix lean was that it was impossible. So they're just like, even, like very slowly because their chiropractor was like, be easy on your back. And he was like, don't worry. It looks like, you know, after the record, you stand up out of your chair and you stretch back. They basically do that. Yeah. Also, by the way, you stand up out of your chair and you stretch back. They basically do that. Yeah. Also, by the way, if they both have bullet dodging skills, why the fuck are they both shooting at each other? They also have getting shot in the face and not dying skills. So just gunfight seems silly around. Yeah. Oh, and this is where the big reveal happens, right? Because she's like, you're trying

to raise the nephilim and that's a bad thing. And he's like, no, no, because you are pregnant with the fucking dreadlock guys, kid. And that'll make a nephilim too. So there. I know you fucked a black guy. Cut, cut. I'm sorry. I know you fucked it. Druid. Yeah. Also, he ends this by going, your hypocrisy, discuss me. And that is my new yell, by the way, whenever I'm mad at someone, your hypocrisy, discuss me. Good to know. Good to know. You needed a catch phrase.

You've been doing that for a while. All right. And so now their account is here. He agreed to be oceanist as long as he didn't have to stand up. Oh, this guy is phenomenal. Yeah, this is clearly the rich friend who paid for the costumes and was like, you have to let me be in the movie a little bit. And I get to use my helmet too, because I brought, I got some magic, the gathering stuff and it came with a helmet and I would like to fit me, but I'll sell it right beside me. I can put it on like the top of my head, but maybe I just hold it.

Set it next to you, man. Set it next to you. And he takes this movie as seriously as I do. Like he's gone fighting. Oh, it's like when you bring your dad's dad to paintball, he's just like slowly climbing some stairs. All right. I'm the, I'll take some shots at you when I get up here. Give me a second. No railings. How do I get away with that? I guess. He's signed a waiver. So I look from the very beginning of the scene. It's just so stupid. Like a zazel walks up to him.

And he's like, cool. Is it your god helmet? Great. Um, and he's like, I am oceanist. Welcome to my cement thing area. And then he he points at a zazel. And he's like, and who defends me? at a zeal and he's like, and who defends me pump fake pointing at myself now from what's happening right now? Are we going to fight gunfight? Okay, go go. And just to go. Okay. So my wife actually came in while this scene was on because I had center of text that says, please come upstairs and save me from this goddamn movie. And she comes up right as this scene is happening. And I pause it. And you can see the thing that's on his face. They've painted like a symbol on his face, but it's a symbol that has like four ocean waves on it

and one of them is way smaller than the other. So it's obvious that they've completely fucked it up and just rolled with it. I pointed to that, I pointed that to my wife and I said this perfectly encapsulates this film. Yep, it's all you need. This still image tells you everything you need to know about this movie. Yeah, every every

Still image of this movie tells you everything you need to know about this movie All right, so then like so they have a long conversation to Zazel and Oshianna's where Azazel sums up the plot Up to this point. Yeah, and then Oshianna starts shooting at a Zazel, but a Zazel has wonder woman bracelets. Yes. But they're so badly timed. It's like, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, and you see the cap of air instructor be like, Oh, yes, I, if he had said Ting Ting, it wouldn't have been more ridiculous, right? Like we absolutely. That's where we were. So we cut back and forth between their gun fight and the gun fight between Hakata and her, uh, the hermese for a little while, but ultimately Azazel kills Oceanus and takes his Titan powers to oceanus dies at a weird angle. So you see the cap away or instructor be like,

oh, I got a, I got a tag in, right? So sorry, let me just get up on this. Actually, I get in this, I know, okay. And there we go, got you. Okay, got your power. Well, you know what, I think it gets close, you can get their powers. How about if he just gets close, he can get there.

Cause he's face down and I don't want to get flippin. So. All right, but Hacate and Shema Haze realized that they failed. Oshiann assisted. So now there's only one Titan left. They all have to like race to go find Kronos, who's cleverly disguised as a junkie. Yes. Question. Do you guys think they put that in the movie just because their friend had a bunch of heroin needles around his apartment and they were like, we can work with this. We can work with this. You're mom was just showing us your photo albums.

I don't know if you're cool. Yeah, there's no reason to make him a junkie. They just decide that. And Hakate is his heroin dealer. Right. Yep. So at this point, I was rooting for like a cop sending where they were going to have like a heroine themed final battle. And then like the Cate's handcuffed on the curb just no shirt yelling at the slurs for no reason.

What happened? Here's what happened. What happened was here's what happened. So all right. So meanwhile, Dreds is still in the forest with a summer queen. And I just realized in this scene that this guy had been wearing a kilt the whole time. Didn't didn't think I could take this movie last seriously. But yeah, this is where the fairy folk show up to help them that are going to fight the wild hunt. Yeah. And the fairy queen. It's so amazing because the summer queen is like, you go without me. And they're like, no, we got a whole action chase.

She was like, I'm not doing that shit. All right. I am the drama teacher at the local high school. I'm going through a bad divorce. I am not running in these heels. And they're like, okay, you, um, you go to back to the very turn into very dust. And there you go. And they'll carry you. Okay. All right. That I can do. Yeah. So she turns herself into

light and gives herself to dreadlocks. And they're like, here, take this gun. And they handed to him in the same hand that he just put her essence in. So this is a weird moment where it's like, should I put it in my pocket? Because I'm wearing a kil'th, there's no pockets in this thing. I don't really should I go to the base work. That's a nice word. Okay. I move the essence of the fair queen to my right hand. I hold it aloft that I take the gun. But now I have now I'm stuck here. She's working a wonder what I'm doing. Can I get pants instead of the kilp with like legs cargo pants would be cargo shorts. I'm going to like a war with demons type scenario. I feel like shoes pants. I don't know. It's like you can't argue that cargo shorts wouldn't

fit into the aesthetic of this film, guys. All right. So now we go to Kronos in his heroin apartment, a thousand bucks. As this was the easiest set for them to find. Yeah. Literally. And again, because they have to sum up the movie, she literally like hands him some crack and she's like, so here's what's happening in the movie. Yep. And the only reason I mentioned this is the entire time she's doing this very dramatic. We're being attacked by demons.

Model. There's a bottle of dayquil in the foreground of the shot. And he's just like, okay, great. Thanks. Pass me the heroin flute. Cool. I own a heroin flute. All my extra money besides, you know, for obviously heroin, it goes to buying a flute, first of all, to smoke out of. Also incense, black makeup, and my large collection of deer skin leather ponchos. All at the same time. And dayquil. Also. Yeah, he's got this stainless steel hero and pie by guess. And at one point, she goes like, you got to take the seriously, Kronos Azazel is going to resurrect enough of him. He's like, I'm not worried. There's no fucking way you guys have the budget for that. He could not care less. I mean, like neither could I, the plot of this whole movie, it's like a, a dream about somebody else's office politics and I'm being told

what's happening. No, she didn't say that to you. That's amazing. Pass the. You and your friends are so hilarious. You are. Clever. What what Kathy said, not Kathy. Okay. I don't. Never use names. Never use name, temperature. She's your G. They they.

Damn it. So, what can't you have the crossroads? Sorry. Big, big. Yeah. So they're trying to convince Kronos that he needs to leave. And he's like, no, we've got to wrap this up eventually. I feel like I'm here for final battle. I'm like the only guy that's tall as the black dude. So feel like I'm in the final battle.

And he actually says, I'm not going anywhere. I will stand here and fight. Well, sit here and smoke heroin. I'm sitting as a. Yes. And I'm not going to do anything else. Where else to fight right after he has I was I'm not going anywhere. I think they all leave together. What the fuck were you thinking people? All right. So then we have to cut back to the winner queen. She's in the forest now with their minions and like they're going to fight them. We get another gunfight and I only bring it up because this is where we get to see bird zina faking recoil and that's better than an orgasm. I mean, I've had a lot of orgasms. I've never had one as good as bird zina faking recoil. Oh, it's so good. And there's also like, this is where the wild hunt is there. So they

pull out all the extras that they sold pot to that week. And there's a woman who is literally just in a party dress. Yeah, like she's just in a red party dress. And they're like, what? We said like, like the way we dress. And she was like, I don't know your dress fancy something. I buy from you. You'll say I be in movie.

I don't know. This had most come on it. That's what you said. Whatever had the most. This has presidential come. I got married three times in these trips. Oh, by the way, I love your subtitle note here. Eli. Oh, my, this is true. So the subtitles for this movie are amazing because the guy at Amazon killed himself and left these as his note. And when the winter cream screams, the subtitle is piercing battle cry. And I can confirm that is not piercing. No, no. All right. So and then we cut to ask Heath as so appropriately annotated here, the silliest line of humans possible. So for clarity, this is supposed to be like turn the corner and see the bad guy like

the Persians all waiting there for you. But it's what if I made everyone I bullied in high school playing paintball and turned it into a movie. Okay. So now it's time for them to try to kill Kronos, but Kronos is bulletproof and armed only with mean grouse. The plan here seems to be that Jeremiah dances around Kronos shooting and he stands there getting shot. That's pretty much it.

Yeah, exactly. So yeah, he kicks his, he kicks ass all the way through the line though. Chrono speeds all of the minions and then he finally gets to a zezel. Now before we can have that fight and then this fucking stupid ass movie, we go back to the forest where the good guys are fighting bad guys in the woods as they run through the smoke machine that Larry's dad uses for Halloween, but doesn't need this month. Oh, my, my note here is just we get it forest you vape. And all my notes here are just about the cast. It's like how do guns fire like muskets or machine guns put in both?

And one girl just straight up wore her Halloween costume. I bet she belly dances. I bet she tells you about belly dancing more than she actually belly dance. Yeah, her costume included goggles, by the way, also not, but not like way, I'm not going to wear it to the goggles, but I will just just pull them up. Sensorize. I might the goggles swim later or work with our tools grinding a stone. I don't know. But yeah, this is another fight. And this is another great subtitle moment.

The subtitle says, blows landing and nope. Nope. We know we were watching the movie. It's just clumsy hippies mostly hitting themselves at best. All right. But now it's time for Hakate and Hermes to have their final shoot out. They meet each other where he's at the top of the stairs and she's at the bottom of the stairs because they thought that was hard.

And it's great because they couldn't quite figure out how to zoom the camera for the shot for him at the top of the stairs. So it's just like he's a little blurry. It's amazing. Yeah, and I'm pretty sure that so they they talk for a really fucking long time they have so long painful goddamn dialogue. And then they start playing guns because the filmmakers apparently thought adults playing guns would pretty much go all the way. At one point, I'm pretty sure she actually just punches this actor in the face. Yes, you can see because they cut away really fast. Yeah. Next scene, he's got different makeup and he looks mad. Honestly, I just wanted this movie to reach its natural silliness conclusion for them

just to be standing pointing guns directly at each other firing, but not reacting to it. No, you're dead. No, you're dead. You're dead. You're got now, though. Okay, one, two, three, now, now, now I got you. I got you first in the game.

Mom, who said now, three now. Now, now I got you. I got you first in the game. Who said now first? Mom. Yeah. Let your brother shoot you. There's another one of those non-uclidean fight scenes. Absolutely. Double team with Van Dam was the best. But this is a close second though. This is pretty great. But eventually though, she takes care of Hermes by using that appear behind you power. We didn't know she had until she used it to kill Hermes. Classic check off banana weasel. All right.

So now the movie isn't over yet. We go back to the forest. Dreads is still trying to make it out with the summer queens, fairy sprinkle essence. So we need 97 shots of his bare feet. Oh, like at this point, Quentin Tarantino would have been like, Hey, little too much, too much, but, well, but so now it's snowing though, because the winter queen is winning and snowing in the summer forest. So we have this guy running around in his kiln, this bare feet in the snow. Because again, he didn't want the dreadlocks to be the worst decision he'd ever made. And he's, by the way, he's not hiding it.

Well, he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh the empty warehouse conclusion. And there is no question that this is how this warehouse

got rented. My dad says we can use his auto shop for the last scene. He's like, even going to move all the cars and stuff. I thought you hated your dad. I mean, I do, but this is cool. Let's me use a little bit of the space for my Etsy with Giddling warehouse business. Yeah. So yeah, no, yeah, so they're at a big garage. This is where Hacate after killing Hermes meets back up with Shemihaza. Now Shemihaza is dying now because dreadlocks is dying in the forest. And they're, I think, no idea.

I have no idea why. I just wanted the characters to be like, okay, time out. I'm serious time out for a thousand dollars, which team are you on? Which team I am? I have no idea. Oh, that is faster than the summer sun. Don't do that. Yeah. So, okay, we're cutting back and forth between them talking and Dres getting his ass whooped in the snow. They'll also that weird like they're trying to go for blood splatter on the camera, but they just have raspberry on a piece of glass.

And it was watching me at this point and she goes, oh, it's like a video game except they don't realize that that's supposed to be first person when you do it in the video game. Yes. All right, so Hakate is trying to nurse Shemihasa back to health, but he tells her about all the snowy forest shit and he says, hey, look, I actually have to go to heaven now and fight a zezel in the big main battle which will happen off screen. Yes! in the big main battle, which will happen off screen. Yes. Okay, look, this movie was glorious. It is glorious. I loved a lot about it. It was badly done.

It's people trying as hard as they want. They're not self-aware. But when the final battle takes place off screen with the only thing we see is the actress reacting to the battle. Like it was literally the South Park scene. Oh my gosh, this is the most amazing battle I've ever seen. I wish I had a camera. Yeah. Six exactly.

It's so ridiculous. He goes, I'm going to have to go to heaven, but because you're pregnant with the baby of the guy whose body I possess, you'll be able to see the battle. The audience though is not pregnant with the baby of the person that I possessed. So she just listens to the main battle. They do the podcast version of a sword fight. By the way, Ethan, I are fighting right now. You guys don't know. But he just did one of those wall run things pretty awesome. Throw his shit in the shape of a razor blade. It's pretty cool.

If any of you have a druid fetus inside of you, just look through his eyes and you can see this amazing fight. Trust me, you are getting it. Oh God, that was so amazing. I had to go downstairs, tell my wife about it, smoke another bowl. I mean, this movie took a lot of bowls. All right. So then she's outside. She sees a comment falling down, it's dreadlocks. He's back from the main off screen battle. And he's going to describe the battle there. Yes. He literally is like, Oh, that was epic. Let me tell you. Sorry. I'm sorry, you missed it. Multiple swords up. Confusing what happened. I did win the fight. You literally just watched me fall out of the sky. That's, that's what happens at the end

no matter what. So I did win. Zeus just hits a button for a trap door and you fall from sky. One guy winds up on earth, the other guy in a rank or pit, it's rough. It's rough. Yeah. So, but he's like, I promised I would give you back the spirit of your, uh, beloved before I died. He's dying, but I'll let you talk to him for a minute real quick, so he can have a dramatic death speech. Okay. So this, this is not my favorite moment of the movie. The Matrix, Lena's my favorite moment of the movie, but in order to signify that he's

brand the satyr again and not chimichanga, they, they draw the leaves back on his face, except for this final scene, they have very clearly drawn a penis on his face. On his cheek. So he delivers the entire death monologue as it did someone draw a dick on my face. No, it's a leaf. Don't worry about it. Trust me. And also, like, I know he's supposed to be dying, but the way it plays is she's like, I'm pregnant with your child and he's like, I've got to go and never see you again now. Um, yeah. But he says he's like, I'll watch over our kid and my death. And she's like, you know, you were useless in all the fighting

scenes. So, you know, maybe I just take care of the kids. I got it. You're fine. Or, you know, did you like those enchiladas I made for everyone? Yeah, no, those were good. I was cool about your boyfriend. Yeah, you are cool about my boyfriend. Sorry. Did you add an S there? Oh, you're dying. So dying. Yeah. So then he disappears to death. And now we cut to that very first scene of her in the sunscreen from the beginning of the movie. And basically she comes out and she's like, Oh, I promise we totally have an idea for a sequel for this movie. Like we're this is not a one off. We're gonna we're totally we got a sequel. Oh, you're probably still confused about this plot. Let me say the plot one more time in the final scene.

Everybody was the bad guy except me. So like the movie had a concession statement. It was like the plot was nonsense at many points, but the preponderance of evidence tells me it's the last thing I said. But we just everyone bad guy except me. And then we get to my favorite part of the film, the credits. Yes. Everyone has 100% the names I thought they would.

Black guy who played his nasal, first name, raw. Yes. The additional costuming, well, that's credited to shadow wolf wood. Literally shadow wolf wood. There's a credit for Sherpa. That's not a guy's name. They had a Sherpa and they had a credit. Wardrobe is anesthesia.

One name like sting and then at the very end, there's a special thanks to grandmother's spider. I cried with laughter for such a long time when I saw that. Like like a solid 10 minutes of weeping with laughter at special thanks to grandmother spider. I watched these credits like 3DM times, hoping to find more of those names and every time I did. Okay, so yeah, that's it for the movie, but the obvious question to close things off. What the fuck were they smoking? I mean, what let's let's limit it down. What weren't they smoking in the plot and in real

life and in a flute. Yeah, I think maybe honestly, I think at a certain point, it was nothing. I think we were seeing withdrawal. I think they again, they ran out of money and we were watching withdrawal from several drugs. Yeah. No act two and three definitely had a withdrawal feel. All right. So that's going to do a far review of Ember Days. It's not going to do it for the episode just yet though, because we still need to do this again, apparently. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Well, December is upon us next week, which means it's time for the beginning of our Christmas. It's my. It's my.

We're starting out with the last straw. All right. Well, I feel like I feel like you using. Tagular has brought that upon us early. I have to wait till next week for that. But with that to look forward to, we will bring episode 171 to a merciful close. Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors. I help make the show go.

If you'd like to catch yourself among their ranks, you can make a prayer episode donation at patreon.com slash God off, and they're right early access to an ad-free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our

sibling shows, the skinny A, the citation needed and the skeptic grant available on iTunes, Stitcher and Wherever else podcast lip. If you have questions, comments, just in a medics suggestion, you can email Godoff on moviesviesandgmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the lawfaces of P.A. Drutoras.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik and people who drafts on Mars, although the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clarkham, was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen, right, Neely, Bob Stinkham,

and no illusions, promising to work harder or another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. In the sequel, the Cate of the Crossroads gave birth to one of the Nephilim and went on to have an epic battle for world domination with Kendall Vecchio's gigantic baby. Perturus.

Andrew Torres. That acid turned out to be pulp. The entire cast of this movie told Eli what a great friend he was. I Be thanks giving Morgan Thanks giving Morgan. Hey, you know what I'd like for Christmas guys To never have to watch anything at all like this again This was so goddamn painful. I like it did it did it look There was a point in this movie where I was just like, you know what, I don't want the hand job.

Just shut up. I've changed my mind. I don't want to want to wash your dance naked around this fire anymore if you're going to keep talking about that. If we found our limits, we found our limits for this content. This is my limit, man. This is this is where I draw the fucking line. Ha ha ha. Oh. Alright. This is my limit man. This is this is where I draw the fucking line

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