God Awful Movies - 172: The Last Straw

Episode Date: December 4, 2018

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of "The Last Straw", the story of straw. Seriously, there's no other connective tissue in this film. It's just straw. --- Get tickets to our live show in Dallas here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Everything that you wrote about how it seemed wrong, I'm just dying, like yes, you literally measured twice. Why would you measure twice? So you'll need to cut once. Why would you want to cut twice? What? You don't cut twice, you measure once and you cut once. No, oh my god. Why do you measure twice?

Because my dad would beat the shit out of you right now. Are you kidding me? My dad has no idea about this movie or about what you're saying, but he is furious right now just by like psychic instincts. God awful! Movie! Movie! movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie.

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movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. movie. He then right heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, uh, you know, straw. It's, you guys know, straw. I do make it sure that's important that we all know straw. Go ahead. Absolutely. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? Corbin Benson is a good looking man. Let me tell you strong. He is a good looking man. What? He's a ridiculously good looking in this. But he's 60 something. Yeah. No, he's looking all right. He's impressive. All right. So tell us, Heath. Let's put some context to these opening jokes. What? Let's just talk about court. I don't know. LA law. What the Corbin Bernson's surprisingly sculpted bod. What will we be breaking down today? He's like Roger Dorne still, man. You remember Major Lee? He's like God is looking good. All right, whatever. Fuck. All right. We watched the last straw. It's the story of the biblical significance of straw.

I don't fucking know. I checked out early on this one. Nothing happens. I don't care. I was so curious how you were going to summarize that. I was just like, there's nothing for him here though. Really? It happens in this movie.

A series of porn setups in an attempt to sell you an even more judgey alpha on a shelf. Like what can you write? No, it's like heath's life. Great. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you loved item number six on Christianity today's fun Christmas projects for a family on a budget article, You will love this movie.

The whole thing I kept expecting them to turn to camera and be like, and we've only got a hundred of these majors left guys. They are flying off the shelf. We've dressed to everyone over the age of 13 in this movie like they're going to prom. So let's get these out of the door. I've got some cocaine to do. All right. So I have to point this out. There's a, we were having problems with peerflicks. I had to find a new way to watch this. And there were three reviews of this movie on Amazon. I couldn't watch it on Amazon. You can only get the DVD there, apparently. But there were three

reviews on it. These are what the three reviews said in their entirety. Tom wrote wholesome family flick, a person without a name on their just none wrote. Okay. But I, that's the whole thing. That's okay. But Jenny T was my favorite. She went minimalist. her review literally reads movie. Yep. I feel like she nailed it though, right? Like, if you apply moms, if you can't say something nice, well, that is literally the most you can say about this film. It's like the guy from Cats 22 bleeped out her entire review. Yeah, right. Fuck adjectives. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst content morning.

This is from the Dove Christian channel. By the way, that's how I watched it for free on Amazon. I signed up for a week. I see I always forget to unsign up for that shit and end up paying for it. That's why I was just going to head to pay for it at Christian cinema.com. You got to you got to unsign up right away. You end up paying for it. That's why I was just going to head to paid for it at Christian cinema.com. You got to, you got to unsign up right away. You still get the whole week is what I learned. Oh, right on. Okay. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, they, they let me watch it for free because I'm name at male.com. Right. You got name eight or whatever it is by now. So here's the warning they gave. It says sex kissing by a couple, language, little brat, one, little shrimp, one,

big oinker, what? What? What? You're a dumber than me, one. Um, that's the language part of the warning. One other warning. Yes, please. The one other was amazing.

The only boy in the family states, I hate girls, but he changes his mind later on. Which means, which means they show this to like, a test audience, a Christian people, and this eight year old boy said, I hate girls, and somebody was like, Faggot, that better, you better, keep better, fuck a vagina in that tree. So help me God. I will fucking kill somebody. They better shock that boy. That's all I'm going to say.

It's all I'm going to let you finish your fantastic Corbin Benson hallmark vehicle. Oh my God. Like the, the, the dove foundation warnings give me so much joy. That is an unending supply of joy, especially if you've already watched the movie. If we ever get crazy billionaire money, can we just walk into the dove foundation building and have a conversation? I feel like we'd kill if it. Be their mass shooting. We'd be there. Charlie had just having a chat. It should be diving out the windows and shit. All right. So I was going to go and you mentioned this already in the content warning.

I was going to go with best worst little brat. Okay. Yes. The older sister in this movie is my spirit animal. Kelly is amazing. That's like, it's like 90% of my notes is like, oh, Kelly made me really happy just now. She hates the movie so much and it's the best. And she never changes. No, moment one to moment 131. she's just like, uh-huh, fuck your face. The bridge with a vagina, yeah, exactly. All right, my best worst, I'm pretty sure it's just for me, but I had a really hard time because a lot of this movie is anti-bulley.

So I call it best worst temptation because they just, I wrote so many interstitials that would never be performed in everybody. And then we'll get to it. We'll get the payoff for this bullying thing. Is I literally walked, I paused and walked away. I was like, no, Satan. And you will not tempt me. I got to the point of the movie that you're talking about.

And I was surprised to see that there were still notes from that point on from you. I was like, he didn't implode. Really? All right, well, I'll tell you what, we've still got to try to distill a plot out of this movie. So while we game plan that, we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, we'll dive into all the off topic, praise of Corbin Burnson's physical prowess that is the last straw. From the makers of the last straw. Boy I sure do love Christmas, me too. Shove it in your dickles.

Comes the story of a little girl who learned to love an awful lot. You're the little sister I've always wanted. I will stab you in the eye socket and make a slurry of your brain. I fucking hate you. Coming this Christmas. Kelly. You know, I've always thought- Shut up, you got a dick!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hey there podcast listener, it's me, Santa! And what's this in my bag of toys? That's right! It's a God-Off-A-Movies live show in Dallas, Texas on January 12th. That's right! The boys are escaping their various hellhole home states to come to your hellhole home state. But that's not all. Do you have ever good little boy or girl in your life who deserves their gam tickets as a gift? Buy your VIP or platinum night tickets before December 15th and we'll record a very special personalized gift message for you to stuff into someone's

stocking. Just send an email with the name of the gift recipient and the kind of ticket to God of the movies at gmail.com and you can give the gift of Eli's naked ass this holiday season. God of the movies live January 12th in Dallas, Texas, buy your ticket soon or I'll fuck your dad. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and we're back for the breakdown and we're not even past the whimsical title font before Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, in a goddamn mass. Alright, so we're going to start off on like little cartoon caricatures of all the various actors. Now, is it me or did Madison Buntempo shoot down the cartoonist or something? Because her cartoon looks so evil. He's like, I'm going to draw her make a little bit. It's the best. But no,, only it's the second best. Yeah, yeah, it's the best. Only until we get to the cartoon of Corbin Benson, which I can only imagine

was drawn by Corbin Benson. It's so good. Yeah. Corbin Benson clearly yelled sharper at Clearly yelled Sharper at these animators until his cartoon was shizzled with crazy sharp edges everywhere. It's never looked more badass than he does in that cartoon. And also in addition to all of the caricatures of actors, we're also gonna see baby Jesus at the beginning in the cartoon. Yeah, apparently baby Jesus grew up in a bird's nest. Yep. And he's wearing a little desert wear one Z. Would they have that? I feel like no, it's weird that everyone thinks

that baby Jesus was in like Prince of Arabia get up when he was. Yeah, right. All right. So the cartoon fades to reality at a suburban house in Riverside, California, where we're going to meet kids that will argue for the rest of the goddamn movie. Yeah, this movie begins with the world's most effective birth control. I've walked out of this scene. I kicked Anna in the stomach for no,. I'm sorry. Sweet the leg.

Now I wrote my nose. I'm like, this is why children should be reared in pens. Now, that's not worth mentioning now, but it'll come back later. Yeah, it will. It really will. Yeah. So, okay. So the kids are arguing over who gets the remote.

Daughter wants to watch something else, but this kid is a big fan of public domain black and white film. Yeah. Watching my buster Keaton gun get on the remote. This is where we meet mom who looks like Skeletor's trophy wife. That's what I have her down this. Oh, I mean, she looked good when she first walked in, but then she got, they got way close up on her.

And she got scary. She's got like a zoom two face going on. You know what I mean? Yeah. And she, like up close, she was like, Walter, wait, Hillary Swank on like a bunch of steroids all of a sudden. It was scary. All right.

So yeah, the kids are fighting and then they all decide to play music badly. They each have themselves an instrument. And I'm just going to say any mother who buys a drum set, a violin and a trumpet for her children deserves what she gets. Yeah. Yeah. But this is where we meet special kid for the first time in the movie. What is she went to does he get Eli?

He gets a kazoo. So it's not intentional, but the child that will play the kazoo in this scene gets painted as shall we say a little bit different? He will, the actions he will do in their entirety are asked questions to demonstrate he doesn't have object permanence. Yep. Eat things that aren't food and play a gazoo.

The end. That is all this kid will do. That is his entire character arc. Yeah. Sometimes people just put you eat stuff. It's a creative thing. It's a nice thing. You just put random.

You don't necessarily. I don't say we should judge that part of it. And this is also where mom introduces the fact that cousin Jordan is going to come stay with them over Christmas because she got in some trouble. Now given the movies that we watched and the fact that I was on Christian cinema.com to get this, I assume she got caught doing lesbian shit. Oh, well, again, I'm pretty sure that this movie crossed its shooting with a bunch of like stepdaughter porn, as well.

So they were just like, great, we'll use the setups for our movie and then you guys can take the part soon. We'll use the same house, we'll get the kids out by two in the afternoon. Oh my God, they made this movie just by Ed Wooding to gather a bunch of porn intros. It all makes sense now. And that's why Corbin Benson was in it. Yeah. If you told me Corbin Benson also got three blow jobs on this set, I'd be like, oh, that's

why Corbin Benson was in this movie. All right. So yeah, mom sure is all momed out. And then we cut to that night. Dad is there. Dad's an interesting look in human dad looks like he showed up to the set of survivor with a mouthful of bugs He is rough he looks like Chuck Norris got shipwrecked I'm an island with a lot of food right like way to like crab island. Yeah, like Jesus

Forgot to get crucified and became a paper towel mascot instead. Which is ridiculous. And he's he's clearly funny guy. Yes. Christian movie funny guy. Two people said he was funny one time. So he's the lead of this comedy movie as far as they're concerned. Yeah. Yeah. He tells it TGI Friday's after church on Sunday. Great puns. And at one point here, like, so mom's complaining about how the kids won't calm the fuck down. And she's like, I don't know, what if I create a mup like little puppies? Now, first of all, I was kidding. Secondly, what the fuck is wrong

with you? You're trying to think of things that are normally created up and you come up with puppies. That was terrifying. Also, they tried to like improvise at this point. Yes. Oh, they did. What do we put the kids in little crates? You, you riff on that now, riff and go. I'll spray them like in Rambo and there's sort of an implied rate. He says, I'm gonna hose them down. This is a Mitt Romney Christmas, apparently, when they think of puppies, they think of putting them in crates and hosing them down. No, or fuck, yes, wait, yeah.

We should beat the kids with hoses. What did I say? Michael big steps into four. Hey, guys, I heard we're doing Christmas together. I was a football player. I'm pretty sure I feel I only knows about me because I heard animals. Yeah. All right. So now we cut to dad bringing cousin Jordan home. He apparently just ran out to the 80s and grabbed her. Oh, I wrote in my notes. Oh, now we know what she did wrong. She started to porn in the early 90s. Yeah. She was born in the early 90s. Yeah. Checked on that, by the way. She's 22 when they made this. So it's all the positive.

That we're perfectly fine. Maybe embargo on the physical. That's a little old for you actually. 22. All right. Over you when they made this. All right. But yes. So Jordan is spectacularly hot. She's way too pretty to be in this movie. And honestly, she's too talented to be in this movie. And honestly, she's too talented to be in this movie and she's not particularly talented. I got it. She is very attractive, but it's got that like super fragile attractive thing going on. It's like brittle. You can see like just any day she could go from like

24 to 25 and she'll shatter into terrible, you know, absolutely. Yeah. She instantly goes into PTA secretary. You turn your eyes away for a second. Yeah, she had to look at somebody that like in a bar fight, you just break her in half and weaponized. Yeah. Hey, no glassing me with my wife. Come on, man. Come on, dude. You're gonna pay for all this surgery now to make her look worse. All right. So now, all right. so now that we have to really trail down on what a bitch, Kelly, it's. Yeah, she walks in, she's like, Jordan's going to be staying in your room, right? And Kelly's like, how many dicks you taking your ass? Yeah, Kelly's

entire character in this is to wait until there's no one saying anything and go, fuck you. Fuck you. He's the best. I love Kelly. But everybody else, I hated everything they were saying here. It's like, I wasn't even hearing words at this point. It was just all running together into shitty noises, just like M's and

vowels. Yeah. And those are the noises the actors actually started making at a certain point. I'd be 0% surprise. I don't even know that I notice. Yeah. All right. So now Eric, Eric is the, the older boy.

And Eric has to go out to get the rest of Cousin Jordan's luggage. This is where we're going to be his neighbor, Landon, a college age boy who's about Jordan fucking age. He might as well be a puzzle piece that shaped like all the things Jordan is. Hey, I'm home from college where I play America. I'm not gonna see you later for a generic American activity. Scene. Stop saying scenes.

Cut. All right. Shall we pivot the story? Yeah. Okay. We can give it around you. And also this is where we see Corbin Bernson. And he's looking at Barras to have not died young.

Think about how much better we'd feel about this guy. His legacy would have been had he died around LA law. I think Corbin Benson thinks about that a lot. Corbin Benson, Johnny Ratson burger, Harry Henderson. Yeah, ruined a lot of us. All right. So now what we need to know about landen is that he's a quarterback at his college despite having me arms. He is absolutely not a quarterback nonsense. At this point, I was like, okay, if this kid throws a fucking football and somebody catches it without a cut, I will vote

Republican in 2020. Save bet. You know what? Spoiler. Not going to be voting Republican in 2020. Save bet. You know what, spoiler, not going to be voting Republican. Right. All right. So now that little boy goes back in to give Jordan some shit about her luggage and how much she has. And it's hilarious because it's so little. It's like both of those bags could easily nest inside of one of Eli's travel bags.

Okay. I have medications and they're making these huge jokes about looking at how much stuff she has to take to travel. Oh, and again, it's the best because everyone's going around doing like Christian movie jabs, but Kelly, the fucking MVP of this movie, every time it's there to her turn, just gets so real. It's like, what do you have in here? A bunch of condoms so you can blow everyone in a truck stop. Okay, Kelly. Your line is lead weights. Lead weights to shove inside yourself. Okay. You know what?

Come on. Look at the rash on her face. She's not using condoms to blow up. Just like our listeners. Am I right? All right. So no, the key, the key action of this scene apparently is that they're all going to have a family day, but the kids can't decide what to, what to do on family day. Eric wants to play football and Kelly wants to go ice skating. A little girl wants to play on the trampoline. A little boy wants to eat ice cream. His answer was ice cream, which is, which was fantastic. But altogether, it sounded fucking amazing. Football ice skating trampoline ice cream. What? Yeah, if you can figure out a way to do the trampolines on the ice skates, that is the world's perfect sport. You just put giant piles of ice cream at the end zone. It's, oh, right. But uh, cousin Jordan doesn't care. She's being just

like, you know, apathetic bitch. And honestly, apathetic football ice skating trampoline ice cream sets even better. That would be the funniest thing to watch. You were angrily doing that. But they decide instead of doing any of those things to, um, you know, talk about how young and spy and handsome Corbin Benson is. Oh my God. Okay. Yeah. So they decide, okay, we're going to just pull names from a hat and whoever's name we pull gets to decide. So Eric pulls the name and they decide they're going to play football. And they're like, oh, we can get Corbin Bernson to play. And Jordan is like, isn't he an old guy who's been washed up since 1997? And they're like, no, he is an amazing shape with their eyes wide like they're fling. They're right and help on

napkins and playing into a taco bell back. Punch him in the abs right now. Just imagine these abs and try to punch him. They're amazing. Can't do it. I expected like the next line to be Corbin Benson wearing a skin mask of the little boy. No, he looks great. Here's fantastic. Right, Bob, a dad. They're just covered in the tears and blood. Yep. Corbin, I like Corbin Berenson's abs. They'reievous. Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous.

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I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral mischievous. I like Coral misch bathroom. I wanted so bad for him to just start peeing on the door. You're like, okay, okay, you're going to keep cutting me. Here's what happens. This is what happens today. What did we have in the lock eyes with me? I'm pissing and shitting all over this area every time you go in and out. Yeah, so, but all the little girls keep cutting in front of him when he tries to go in and take a shit.

So then he has to run next door to take a shit at the neighbor's house. And this leads to maybe the most awkward effort in a transition in this entire movie. You know where Carmen Bernson's like, ah, I remember when you were a young lad, Landon, and always had to take a shit. Yeah. But it's so weird. He's like, yeah, little Eric reminds me of you always holding his pee in a shit until the last minute. What? How? How was that pattern established? What the fuck was happening in Corbin Burns is just like, son, son, how many more minutes before you shout yourself that time? Was it like if you just, I mean, just now, if you had waited, how many more

minutes before you would shout your pants? What would that have been for you? Three, great. Okay, type it into the spreadsheet. I have a weird spreadsheet, but this day after type of it in. No, the graphful auto adjust itself, son. You don't have to do that. No, you just, but this is the after type of it. Now the graphful auto adjust itself, son. You don't have to do that. Yeah, not you just, but just type in three in the right column.

No, that's not the right column. It's on a Google die. I can see from down here, you did it. I'll just do it. Oh, and there's also this amazing moment where it's supposed to be sweet and touching, but it comes across as, hey, grandpa, well, I've been gone. Have you been spending a lot of time with children? You're not related to and he's like, oh, yeah, we do projects together.

There's been a lot of time alone. He's like, cool. Cool. What's not visiting now this movie has no awareness of anything like that. And speaking of which, this is where he's going to ogle Jordan, right? So like as Landon and Gramps are talking about how he used to have to take a shit when he was a kid, Jordan runs by in her running gear. This is clearly the first time this human has run. Right.

Like she seemed convinced that they were going to do a still photo at some point in there, right? Well, she tries to do about, you can see the actress there and we're going to do like the slow motion bouncy thing So you can see the actress just like hopping up and down like this making my body bounce So landed C. Stewart and he falls in love and then Corbin Bernson says all right, let's go have some sad piano music time about dead grandma, right? says, all right, let's go have some sad piano music time about dead grandma, right? He literally interrupts his fantasy thing. He's like, grandma's dead. Grandma's dead. That

kill your boner. Yeah. No. And of course, this is when like the kid comes back out having now shit and he tells him about family football day and how he wants Corbin, Bernson and Landon to play along with him. Right. Right. And this is amazing. This is a family football game. And Corbin Bernson is like, oh, fuck it, crush you. I just wrote in my notes, ah, Corbin Bernson related to Heath.

Yes. Oh, he has to thank you that I take your compliment and I appreciate it. Somebody's like, oh, well, you know, it's just a game. And he's like, fuck you. So people who lose start saying before the game even starts, there are winners and there are losers. Oh, I love Grandpa Corbin right here. He's amazing.

And he will continue to be wildly way to aggressively competitive throughout. It's the best. Yeah. Okay. So now we're going to cut to one of the laziest montages in the history of film. Okay. So there's supposed to be a montage of Jordan running, but this actress was like she ran for 80 seconds and they made a 90 second montage about it, right? The background never changes. The trees he behind her don't even move significantly between these shots. And it's gross. It's just like one of many signs that another person on this production

is trying to fuck this high school girl this time. It's like a director clearly just being like, all right, let's get you a nice long running scene. Really explore your acting chops. You're very, very talented. You're very, very talented. Music guy, play piano for the talented actress right now. Yeah, but she starts getting a little tired, not, you know, not sweaty tired. No, I'm just not gonna sweat because no one of this movie has ever run, but you know, she sits down for a moop. Yeah, right. She says it's down to be sad and brooding near a rainbow from a moment for a moment. But then okay, but then she's running home. She comes across a puppy in Corbin Bernsons yard, right?

So she takes it up to the door and she's like, Hey, is this your dog? He was out in the front yard. And Corbin Bernsons like, that dog can go fuck himself with a chewbone, you keep him. Yeah, and I'm supposed to like this character. I'll fucking stab him in the dick. Yeah, you want my dog? I don't care. Yeah, well, they redeem him a bit for that, but yeah,

it takes a long fucking time. Anyway, so she goes to leave and we have to have yet another scene where Landon's like, I am the love interest for that character. This is also where we learn what she did wrong. Oh, right. Right. Right. She was a bully.

She was sent away to live with relatives for the holidays for bullying. Yeah. They do that now, Eli. You gotta be careful. Beating kids up like I was surprised by this. No, I wish we're gonna find out what she's saying. Yeah, yeah, no, it's a slow reveal, because this movie doesn't have much. What she did wrong is a very slow reveal.

Does emotional bullying count? Is that bolt like? Yes. Is that what society has come to? So we delete my interstitials and then he's just allowed to say stuff. Well, I can end all guidance counselor. But all the middle school was just one giant, everyone being a bully. Like that, I don't know, that's how you learn to jam your feelings, DB.

No, I've never let anyone see a Metallic. I don't understand how you're going to get to become a healthy adult. If you don't like he's everybody bully each other. Yeah, emotionally. All right. Three, two, one, bully. That's why we can't do kids programs for the skating atheist. Never get calls from camp quests.

It's very sad. All right. So now Jordan brings the puppy back to the family. And everybody's really happy about the puppy. And there's a moment where the mom's bracelet gets caught on her necklace. And the background, she's tried to disentangle it for a solid three minute. It's the I saw nothing that happened this scene because it is comic perfection while this woman's just a cut fucking. She's been attacked by a cat on her face at the same time.

Where in this marina manoeuvre's original? And by the way, I should note, I feel like the dog is my favorite character and not just because it's a dog, but also because in every single scene with the dog, the dog's like, I am not a movie dog. Go. This puppy hates everybody. Hates these actors is what I feel like. I feel like he has good taste.

It's like a good taste in cinema poppy. It's just like get the fuck. Oh, like every day, they're always trying to like force hugs on him and every motion he makes is just like, please don't touch me. Please don't touch me. Before the end of this movie, this dog will bite Corbin Benson and the movie will continue in pretend. Yeah, we'll get to it. Yeah, but he'll just give what a good dog. All right. So now we're going to cut to Eric playing backyard football in the front yard, like a fucking idiot with Landon and Gramps. Apparently they didn't have backyard budget. I want it. Gramps to full tackle this child and then chant over his body so badly. We get so close to that, right?

It's not the kid. It's the college kid, but okay, but before that can happen, Jordan has to run by and slow motion in case we didn't really get it the first time. Oh, it's so good. And they tried to make her extra attractive using the slow mo again, but it backfires so hard. Like she turns to camera and smiles, but it like, it was like she was proud of a shit. She just took the slow mo just made it longer and crazier.

But like, in a bad way, I feel like I gave a bad example just now, but like it was not attractive is what I'm saying. Yeah. But again, his fantasy gets broken because grandpa's like, stop, I want to fight this child. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So and he throws a pass. We get a cut. Um, and then the kid catches it. And then it does a backflip. Yeah. The kid had his touchdown celebration down pat. Yeah, the kid actually caught the ball and did a crazy impressive like ninja move with a flip and like, yeah, and he could dance.

And the movie never addresses it. Like that's obviously why the kids in the movie, but they're never like, oh, right, our child can do a back flip. If when I have children, they can do a back flip, that's all they'll ever do. People will come into my house. Flip, flip, flip. Flip. And by the way, okay, so during this past, Graham's, Gordon Bernson, tackles the fuck out of land. And later gets up going like,

hey, man, it's too hand touch. And like, this is not a funny affect, right? The movie thinks it is. The movie thinks it's a quirk. Yeah. Yeah. Who blitz is the automatic QB in one V one. Yeah. It's wrong. Exactly. Doesn't make sense to even run towards him, let alone tackle him like a crazy person. Right. It just hits him with his car. My wife is dead. All right. So now the kids are fighting in the living room again. Okay. I have to point this out because I love this scene so much. There's an established as you shot of this inflatable snowman in their front yard, but we're only seeing it from the waist up. And then we're

going to cut to the kitchen where mom's running water in the sink, but we hear the sink water before we cut to the kitchen for. So for just a second, it sounds like the snowman is just taking a massive horse like this. Right? Like a white. No, I was with you. Oh, I could think about that. That'd be a great front yard thing to fuck with the ass all the way to much Christmas

shit across the street from you. You just got like a peeing snowman. All right, so now the kids are fighting again. They're fighting over grapes. Eric doesn't want to share his grapes. This is so worse. Fuck it. It's someone pleasant to watch. Oh my God. A little behind the scenes here though, Heath has entirely spent this scene coaching people on how to fight over a grave. Yeah. If somebody's trying to grab your grape, just shove the entire wide in your mouth, just all the grapes right in the wild.

Huge, huge water grapes in your mouth. Go or pee on the grapes. You just pee all over the grapes. And that would make sense because they wouldn't let him pee earlier. Yeah, or just pee on the couch. Shit on the couch. There's so many options. You don't have to share at that point. Nope. I gotta say at this point, I put in my notes like we're 25 minutes in and the plot of this is Noah is watching a movie. Right? So the kids are having a fight. Mom breaks down,

right? She loses her shit. She wanders out of the house, leaving the fighting children on their own with the new puppy. Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! Yeah. Yeah, mom ran out of spoons from a grape fight. Yeah. She can't even, she left a house full of kids, so she could go cry.

Yes. Yeah, somewhere else about a grape fight and a puppy barking. This is the worst parent. And not just cry, but call her husband and demand that he comes home from work to mediate the grape fight. And he does. And he comes out. And you come out smart, our children. Yeah, she calls. I will. The kids will stop fighting the dog is party. I thought at this point, my career, I'd be able to a moat and I can't. It's, oh, it's the, and he does. He literally, he walks out of his job as a car salesman.

He, we see him. He's like, is it a car? It's a car. You buy one second. I gotta take this phone call. What's that? Grape. I'll be right.

Yes. Oh, but so after she gets off the phone with him, though, she looks across the street where there's a manger scene and she notices the straw like the title of the movie. What? Just like a piece of straw appears overhead like big lights on fire. All right. I got now we're gonna start a pure one imports out of our house. All right, so dad gets home. He runs up to mommy's like, are the grapes okay? I like the best. I wanted him to walk in and the kids are all just choking a death on grapes. Yeah, right.

Cause they're terrible. I wanted them to walk in and the kids are all just choking a death on grapes. Yeah, right. That's their terrible parents. All right. So they go inside and they're like, the kids are like, mom, are you mad? Are you going to beat us? And she's like, the camera's on. And she tells them she's like, I have a great idea for a new Christmas tradition. Yeah. And husband's like great. So I mean, could you have like verbalized

this with words like in a text? Do I have to? Because of it? Like, does this, is he, are you about to do an interpretive dance? Because it's not stupid. I need to go back to work where I'm gainfully employed. I'm at least I was before. You're the worst. I am right. Yeah. So she says, we're going to make a crib for the baby Jesus. And I just wanted to cut to Jordan like dialing 911 off to the side, you know, given herself a black guy with a bag of peas.

Sorry guys, I'm out. Yeah, he's hitting me. Come on. I got to get myself a bag of peas. Sorry guys, I'm out. Yeah, he's hitting me. Come on. I got to get myself a bag of peas. Do that. Yeah. That's how you give yourself fake black. What? Well, it's a real black eye, but you give yourself a fake one with makeup. All right. Black face. But the idea, the idea that she's had, that dad had to come home from work for is that they're going to do, that dad had to come home from work for, is that they're going to do, they're going to make a little manger, and then they're going to do good deeds for each other.

And every time they could do a good deed, they'll put one piece of straw in the manger. So it has to be a secret. Right. Well, right. It has to be a secret good deed. So this is when we realized that this movie's title is a partial on Tondra, right, it has to be a secret good deed. So this is when we realized that this movie's title is a partial on Tondra, right? Because last has nothing to do. It's just like they they looked up shrewd euphemisms and went with the first one they could find, right?

Yeah, they had a whole cut scene where they break a camel's back and they they cut it because it was really gory. Tarantino bought the footage. Yeah, they went with a Tondra, I guess. This is where the movie punted. They were just like, all right, we are really bad actors. This is terrible. We're just going to fucking add a Jesus thing and sell it to pure flex. I because this is going. So like, we need to just punch it out into the fairway and be a Christian movie. We're laying up. We're fucking laying up. Oh, and this is again, great with the little jandles boy. She's like, and it has to be

a secret. The jandles is like, can I keep a secret? She's like, we should be more focused on you, but this is, we're not dealing with that. The plan of this movie is a family doing secret Santa that's too cheap to buy extra shit. Uh, spoiler alert, they don't even do nice things for each other, but we'll get to it. No, because they couldn't think of anything. Anyway, so yeah, and Jordan doesn't want to play their silly game, but she's being a real trooper about not just saying this is fucking stupid. New people are crazy. Kelly's still being a bitch.

And this is where they name the dog too, right? Yeah. Yeah. Two. Yes, because the fuck is wrong with you people G two. G two. We'll call them G two because a string of random numbers was tainted. Yes. Yeah. Well, so Corbin Burns and Scarach are they all call him Mr G and because the dog

is sweet and cute and Corbin Burns and his sweet and cute, they call him G two, you know, like the off brand Gatorate. I just I feel like Corbin Burns and was standing in a boardroom with a scream writer screaming and yelling and they named the dog after me and everybody talks about how could a shape by man. Look at this. Push up contest right now. Which means. I'm done. How many did you do? I'm asleep. All right. So Eric was next door now to see if Corbin Bernson can help him build his Jesus crib. And this is not humor they were going for. You can tell because it landed, right? Because he says, Hey, Mr. Bernson, I need a place to put Jesus. Do you have wood and a lot of nails? Haha.

Not what they were going for. And now they have a building a crib montage and look, I don't know anything. This could have been picture perfect. It seemed wrong. He had a hand saw at one point. There was a whole bunch of stuff. Everything that you wrote about how it seemed wrong, I'm just dying, Lavin. Like, yes, you literally measured twice.

Why would you measure twice? So you'll need to cut once. Why would you want to cut twice? What? You don't cut twice. You measure once and you cut once. No. Oh my God.

Why do you measure twice? Someone's saying that. My dad would beat the shit out of you right now. Are you kidding me? My dad has no idea about this movie or about what you're saying, but he is furious right now just by like psychic instincts. You don't, you don't, oh my god. He less got it. They're like, why would you use glue? You're using nails. Yeah. My dad's sleep walking into his shop in the basement and just throwing a fucking old

peanut butter jar full of 12 penny nails from the furties because he's angry at you psychically for saying that. You measure twice. Why do you measure someone explained to me why one measure? So you don't fuck it up. So you don't want to. Yeah, he's good. Yes, you measure carefully once.

Yes. Measuring is not a difficult activity. I guess I was never going to measure something with a tape measure next time I see you. I guarantee you get it wrong. I would, I would love to see what Eli comes up with for the fractions. And I was. It's not. Yeah. Corbin Burnson actually has trouble with this for. Yeah, he does. He uses himself like

the saying is again, measure twice, cut once. And he's trying to like explain this visually to this kid. And he confuses himself, trying to line up those numbery words with the actual number of fingers. So putting up to and one finger at the wrong time. He's like playing rock paper scissors with himself over there. All right. So they have a little building montage where Eli learns how wood works, I guess, for the first time. Everything about this, they use nails, but then they also need glue. Why do you need both of those?

Oh my God, my dad is stabbing you with a very small pencil. It's down to the littiest little nub that he should have thrown it out a long time ago. He's fucking sharp, so he's gonna stab you with it. It just eventually it disappears inside his thumb. I don't know how he does it, but he's gonna stab you one more time before that happens. All right, so he finishes with the Jesus bed, just as Landon comes in and come on. Like this crib looks like wet shit. Wasn't there an adult overseeing the right?

I mean, you know, yes, you measure twice and everything. You're done and supposed to look better than that. So Eric runs off to show everybody his crib, but as he does, he forgets his hammer. And Corbin Bernson's like, huh, somebody needs to return this hammer to the house where that girl that you like is going to be and landed such a fucking idiot. He's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. It's like watching a Heath Flurred.

Finally, like Corbin Bernson's like, if you're going to nail Jordan, you'll need a hammer. I can't be more specific than that in a Christian movie. I why would I hit her with a hammer? We've gotten violent in your old age. I think your son said it. God damn you. Hammer contest. Go hammer twice, measure three times. I don't know. All right. So he goes with the air. It goes back to the show to the house to show him the little shitty crib that he made. And of course, Kelly is brutally honest. Oh, I love her. So I know she's supposed to be the bitch, but she's the great. She keeps

just yelling out roast stuff like before I can even type it. She's like, she just turns to camera. Well, you're a youth pastor who hugs for too long. You will love this. She's the greatest. All right. Yeah. So then they decide, well, okay, now that they have a nice shitty crib, they need to go straw shopping. Straw shopping. Dad is still off of work for this. Right. Okay. Movie. The thing about this movie is it's trying to pitch like you should do a baby Jesus basket. Where are you off on the shelf now? And so what it's trying to pitch like you should do a baby Jesus basket. It's where our Elf on the shelf now.

And so what they're trying to do is they're including like, and you could take your family to a local farm and go straw shopping. I don't know, man. Please. We really didn't have anything. Elf on the shelf. It's so well. I just don't know.

We don't know. Put that money. Also, they're just trying to get their stupid fucking tundra title into it here. Yeah, they're just like, okay, this crib kind of fucking sucks, but it sure does need one of the words in the title. Does it need a the? No, no, a last.

Does it need a last?, no, a last? Does it need a last? Is that what you said? No straw. Yes, straw. And they're way too excited. Just like, let's get in a minivan and find some fucking straw. Yeah, they're pretty stoked. And of course, the land in is gonna go straw shopping with them

because I mean, Jordan's pretty hot. So sure, yeah, makes sense. All right. So they all go get some straw is a scene in the movie. They did it. They found an activity worse than Apple picking everybody. I wanted this to be just a huge montage, like the rest of the movie. Like a kid on that, like 45, an hour to finish the movie of them just getting straw. It's like the 20 minute act change and remains of the day where Anthony Hopkins keeps serving the tea exactly. Yes.

And also, by the way, I know this is a tiny little thing, but dad brought along non-recyclable plastic shopping bags to keep the straw. And as though the movie was just like, also fuck the hippies. You know, just because you're doing something with a farm doesn't mean you have to care. Set everything you don't choose on fire. Yeah. Fuck out of here. And they're trying, okay, so they're trying to make this out to be like fun family activity. We took the kids down to the farm, but there's nothing to fucking do at a farm. So they're literally doing shit like, hey, mom, look what I found. And they're like, oh, that's an old bottle cap, just a very common

piece of trash that you would find anywhere. At least you won't need any tuition money. Don't eat it. You know what? Eat it. Go for it. It can be one of those moms who starts a charity after you. Just stop. You know, what's this? I hear it in a shit. Just keep going. It's just keep going. All right. Fine. Muscle through. Now, while the kids are getting straw, landed in Jordan are wandering off together. You can tell that this is a romantic scene because the camera is facing exactly into the sun. And they're talking about they go to she goes to east high school and he goes to high school to north.

I went to East South East North. I couldn't think of anything else. Just trying to Nate like, uh, you beat us at the ball game in the regionals. I went to other high school words to you know, West, Lockers, abortion, nope. No. This is where I realized, oh, this is a movie for people whose life peaked in high school. So the budding romance has to be football centric. I guess.

Also, the middle of their conversation has a brief interlude about how awesome and in great shape, Corbin Bernson is. Yes, it's the best. And that is its only purpose because it halts the dialogue cold She goes you're nothing like your grandpa and he goes yes, I am she's like oh, okay Your team sure did beat our team in high school sports, huh? And also Also, this is where we learn that he's an orphan, right? Oh, yeah. She's like, so okay, where are your parents probably alive somewhere? About that. It's not awkward. Do you do you miss your dead parents? Yeah

Would you like to do Hand stuff yeah, right? He's like also if that's not enough for a pity blowjob my grandma died this year No, okay, no all right cool hard cut All right, so yeah very hard got okay, so now they go home because nothing in this script can be assumed, right? Like the viewers of this film would be like, but how are they not at the farm? So we want you getting home. Landon's like, I'm not in this scene. Let me go.

And then Jordan follows him out, right? So they can flirt some more. Oh my, and this is the one of the worst choices this movie makes, which is that they bond over the fact that both of these all American teen high schoolers love Edgar Allen Poe. It's so stupid. Specifically the Raven. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The Raven. Jesus, I'm going to be reading some poem. And he's like, I know a poem thing. Raven, it's, they could not pick something less appropriate for them to bond over.

So I would love to be there, but I'm reading heels like white elephants. Oh, I love that short story. What? It's just a puff of air, isn't it pretty to think so? You want to go on a hay ride? How did no one associated with this movie go, Hey, isn't Edgar Allen pose stuff about death? Murder and

battlefield. And yeah, exactly. Really? Was it pedophilia? Like, yeah, all right. So then and this, by the way, this goes to them talking about how they love Po goes on forever at like, like the director was pissed off at Jordan and refused to call cut and just, I'll make them keep acting. Fuck them.

Fuck that bitch. So this goes on forever and eventually they leave. Landon and Grandpa are going to go in and try to make cookies again like grandma used to, right? That's a major sub plot. Major sub plot in the non plot of this movie. Yeah, right. All the plots are sub in this film.

Okay, so now it's trying to draw names for a from a hat for the big straw thing that gets its own goddamn scene. Oh, and the little jandles eats the paper. Mm-hmm. Yep, that's fun. It turned away. He's got a mouthful of straw. Okay. Also, by the way, the beginning of the scene, they're doing the drawn names from that. It starts with dad being like, okay, pencils's down. Yeah. So they had, they were, that was them writing their names down. I had to get a their own name.

Oh, fuck, time cap. He was like, and that's five minutes to everybody finish writing your name. Mom's like, ah, I didn't even anybody gets muh, that's me. That's me. That's me. All right. Does anybody choking on grapes? We're all choking on grapes.

Okay, just give us a second. I'm gonna leave. He calls his dad out of work. He calls himself. All right. So and Eric, by the way, is very upset by which name he gets. We don't see ever who gets anyone's name, right? We can assume that this is Kelly, but other than that, we never know.

Right? So this is a movie about secret Santa's where we don't even know, oh, Jesus. Yeah. All right. And it's never revealed. Yeah. No. I wasn't so bad for Kelly to just like, okay, cool.

She just smashes the crib, dumps straw all over it. Be like, you're welcome. Game over. You're all welcome. It's the goodest deed of all. I'll see you guys on our 18. All right. So now we get some more of that good old fashioned porn setup, right? This

is the point where dad's going to go in and have a talk with Jordan. But instead the scene is just the shave and a haircut to my Roger Rabbit. It's so hard. Yeah. Dead walks in and he's like, all right, listen, we need to talk. Your parents are worried about you. She's like, about the cocaine. What? No. You said cocaine to bullying. Yeah.

It's very scary thing. Bullying caffeine pills. Yep. Yes, it's right. Yeah, they talk about all the consequences of bullying and look, I mean, I'm not pro bullying or whatever, but like, you know, she didn't glue anyone's ass hole shut in this, right? She made a slam page, you know, what we do for a living for charity. Yes. I wrote mean things about someone on the internet. Okay, but did you set up a Patreon? Like there's a Like I'm bullying you as this is happening at So meta don't do it freelance She goes I took the page down and the dead's like you can't just take the page down

I was like you have to die We have to cut off your fingers make amends in the old way. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, he also says at one point, he's like, now there are laws against cyber bullying. I can't slam pages. What? He actually says the stakes, you're almost 18. The stakes change when you're 18.

Yeah, that's when you get charged as an adult for slam pages. What the fuck? Seriously, man, what are you in for? Meth and stab in a guy. You, I made a meme about a kid who smells bad. Cyber. Whoa, do you want my fucking shoes? I get they're trying to have this moment and I didn't, we're not doodly doing, you'll notice. He goes, you know, some of these kids that get bullied, they don't make it.

And I was like, well, how much do we, It's fine. It's great. It's the way you did. You all turned out great. It's fine. Yes. The moral of this story is Eli caused suicides and he's not ready to deal with that quite yet. Hey, morals my high school yearbook. Just keep cracking those jokes, buddy. You're doing great. All right. So dad has the bullying talk that he goes downstairs to eat dessert, which is the only thing this family does, right? Like we will see 47 times of them walking to the room and everyone's having dessert.

This family should just be swimming in diabetes. Oh, it's the best. If we make a last straw to, and they're all 350 pounds, this is Kelly's ramb and a rascal into everybody. I don't know why I'm off to go straight something for rebel media. This is such a great Kelly scene too. This is where Jordan's gonna come down and have dessert with the family. But just as she's coming down, Kelly's like, I sure hope that bitch Jordan doesn't come downstairs and try to have dessert with her. Oh, she's so good.

She's just like, I'm eight and so much goddamn smarter than all of you. God, it's such a bad act. You got such untalented actors. This is ridiculous. Look at me. I'm literally, do you see me running circles and acting them around you right now?

As we speak, God, she pulls up a slam page of Jordan. Look at her. It's like a spokesmodel for planned parenthood. Good luck with that. All right. And then we get the montage of the family doing nice things for each other, except these writers could not think of a single nice thing that one family member could do for another. So what we actually have is a montage of people doing chores. Yeah. And I was watching this with me. And you turned to me and she goes, did they all pull the mom? I don't know. That's bathing the dog. Did he get the dog?

I guess the dog wrote his name down faster than everybody else. Right. Yeah, you just got a little paw print. Okay, but here's the thing though, if everyone's doing each other's chores, it cancels out. Right? No one's doing anything for anyone anymore. I want Kelly to get in on this and just like hand dad a pamphlet about bestsectamies.

There you go. Idiot. Yeah. So we watched that for a day. I guess the movie has made it super fucking clear that this is all we're going to get in terms of plot. So we're going to call that the end act to and take ourselves a break. But first I'm going to give it act three of the hard sell here. Will the kids put more straw in the shadowy constructed crate? Will Eric ever find a place to pee? Is there going to be a plot beyond those questions? Find out no, would we return for the impossibly prosaic conclusion of the last straw? Hey, Richard, is everything okay? Sure. Yeah, why would everything not be okay? Oh, well, I mean, you rushed off from work early.

Yesterday, sort of some kind of family emergency. Oh, right. Yeah, the grapes thing. No, it's fine now. Thank you. Uh-huh. I'm sorry, the grapes thing, is that what you said? Yeah.

My kids were fighting over grapes, but it's all better now. We made it through. So did one of them like shove a grape in another one of them? No, no, no, no, they just wouldn't share the grapes. Oh, you're done. So you're saying that you left work early yesterday because your kids wouldn't share their grapes and you left work? Yeah, that is what I said, yes. You realize this is a job, right?

Like I write you checks. I do. And you work on commission also, that's part of the calculation. Okay. So remember last month when you left early because of a medical emergency? Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Right. What was the nature of that medical emergency?

My wife? My wife? She couldn't find the vaporub. So, I mean, yeah. And then when you left early for a death in the family, do we before that? Yeah, it was my son. Oh, oh, it was my son. Oh, oh, I'm really sorry. No, it's okay.

He was trying his hand at standup comedy and it was not going well. I mean, that kid. Right, right, cool, cool, cool. You're fired. So cool. There's that question. So sorry.

Can that wait till tomorrow? He's got a text for my wife. She needs the pasta strainer off the top shelf. Is it on the top? Oh, it's on the top. I'm going to go get it. Yeah, you better get it. I'll be back. No, you won't. I still work here. Don't come back. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroes, they were writing very angry emails to their agents, but getting stuck in this sub hallmark channel pieces shit. And we're going to rejoin the action with Mr. G and land and having another go at making cookies. Yeah. And they're, their shenanigans are so forced. Oh, man, we dropped an egg. And they're

ignoring the fact that they are book hockeyed in frost. They like, what the hell happened? That's right. They had to to go like they have to fight away to visually show you that they made cookies bad. So they go with dropping eggs from 18 inches above the fucking pounder and being covered in flour and way more sexual tension that I expected between grandfather and grandson. I'm not judging it, but like they were five seconds away from like tackling to tickling to kissing. Like it was really close. Yeah, that was not all icing on that kid's face. No. Exactly.

All right. So and then they make their cookies and they sneak them over to the neighbors, right? Because they're going to do something good for them too, I guess. They light a bag on fire with the cookies. I think we did it wrong. Okay. All right. So now it's time for the fucking football game that we've been setting up for this entire movie.

I'm going to just tell you in advance, nothing will happen in this scene except that they will play football. Right? Like, we've been talking about this the entire movie. There's no like major reveal that's going to happen. No character is going to take a turn here. They will play little snippets of football with pieces of tech mobile sliced in on the edit. And again, they have this weird moment of like, all right, Corbin Burns and no tackling.

And he's like, maybe I am going to tackle you. I heard you say no tackling, look into my eyes. I will tackle you. I've tackled you now. You're tackled. And I knew Heath would have a note on this one as well. Mr. GST wins the toss and Alexa receives. No idiot. You defer. You defer.

Yeah. You try to get two possessions in a row around halftime. That's a rookie mistake. Idiots. Bucking idiots. Oh, it's seriously. It's a football game. Not really. Okay. Then we get some sports sing, right? So, well, we get what they're calling some sports here. I will say the little girl throws a hell of a block in the that opening kickoff that little girl is because nobody can tackle the little girl. So all she

has to do is really get in front of them. She's killing it. Mm-hmm. Wouldn't have stopped heath. It's all. You got to get under her pads. You just throw her. You get right under her pads. Toss her. Easy. you just throw her, get right under a pad, toss her easy, menstrual pads. So, God, God damn it. Now I retroactively feel bad about what I said, because it's that bad. Also, they're wearing flags to show what team they're on. There's like any of them. You care about not to show a team around. Nope. You pulled the flag. That's like tackle. What flag? You thought they were wearing colored tassels to demonstrate which team they're on.

I thought they were wearing a castle. That's amazing. I was like, why would you need those? Cause that's what you do instead of tackling. You would have been an invisible chameleon and machine running around. Amazing. All right. So yeah. And then so they played flag football for a little while, but then

Corbin Bernson goes full name and starts tackling people again, tackling people in flag football at two hand touches, not a charming old time a mannerism. It's assault. Right. In the movie about bullying, you think they would kind of be a little bit more tuned into this It just it reminds me when all of us played football here at the skating atheist Okay guys are you ready for the big skating atheist football game? I have to poop again You you literally just win no one said big football. Okay, but why would that make it worse? You literally just went Noah said big football. Okay, but why would that make it worse? Okay, Eli, you'll run a post, Lucinda. You run a shallow slant and look for the ball when you reach the second bush, got it? Sorry, I was tweeting. Am I the quarterback now? Is that me?

No, no, you are not. Oh, I'm sorry, were we not playing tackle? I was tagging not in the coin toss. No, this is America. No, it's not like when Lucy does it to Charlie Brown. I'm doing it because I'm afraid. He's he's throw me the ball. Throw me the ball. He's he. Okay, okay.

I could throw you the ball or I mean, I could run it also. I could throw it to Andrew to or Eli. Yeah, I could throw it to you. I could run it. That was the option I originally thought of other than throwing it to you. I could run it. All right.

Just give me a second. Well, I've narrowed it down to you throwing it to somebody, maybe you Eli, probably not you, or running it. I'm probably going to run it. But if I run it, then I can't throw it. So that limits my options right there. I'm kind of closing your.

I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm sure. Both hands on you for 20 seconds. Time out. He takes his eighth time out. Oh.

The Joe Gibbs. Yeah. Touchable ball. the Joe Gibbs. Yeah. That's football. Okay, there's a great visual gag of Lucinda side tackling someone in that sketch, but I can't do it because we're on the radio. Yeah, I'm not ready. She just like Andrew's down there. She just like, come on motherfucker.

My home. She just takes into it out. All right. So they play some football and then they head back home to tell some Christmas stories because if this is on peer flicks, you have to have the Linus moments, right? Right. And they're trying to do, again, they're pitching a product right now. Now we do the annual telling of the Christmas story, except they've been talking

about main jurors for months. So this scene makes no sense. It's like, do you know what baby Jesus was born in? And it's like, it's the word we've been saying literally throughout this movie. Yeah. And but the kids are so focused too, but they're like a crib, a bed, a bed of nails, a pass, pass. Yeah. but she's like, no, he had to stay in a basically a trough and the kids are like, we are sure happy that we have real beds. Jesus sure did suffer. He wow, I bet when I'm an adult,

I'll be told about another kind of suffering Jesus did and I will share emotionally connected to that. So how many more times do I have to mention Jesus changed the curve on grading this movie? I feel like you know, and bless her little heart. Jordan's just looking around at them all like I could have killed it in porn. I don't know why I didn't just. Yeah. Oh, and also they need a baby doll to use for their little straw fill Jesus crib, right? So they have the moment where all the kids march out their various dolls to see

which one will be selected as Lord and Savior. This is very weird. This is weird. Where are the parents are like, no, your doll is not a Lord in the garden. Ha, ha, ha. I wanted Kelly to bring down her like crucified voodoo Jesus doll. I'll be like there. This is what we're using. I'm the cheer of your your brother's face over it. It does. It does here.

One and a half pound Jesus historically accurate. Get with it. I have a skin mask of mom, a skin mask of dad, whatever you want to put on it. All right. So then it's time for the big baby Jesus reveal, right? Like mom is dressed the little doll up as baby Jesus. And we get like her revealing the baby Jesus. And then they pick new names for the week because one time around on this scene wasn't enough. Yeah, I mean, of course, and we should point out that a little kid kid backflip kid, he got the person he didn't want to help again.

Eric, yeah. Yeah, already saw just, just hold up a title card that says Ibbid from the other. All right, so we get through that and now they're having some breakfast. The kids are fighting some more and mom is upset with them. Like someone else is going to parent these kids for her. Yeah, I keep expecting her to turn to a nanny and be like, come on. Get in here. I have no idea what the fucking point of this scene was, right? Because the kids are fighting then we cut the little girl making up somebody's bed and then putting in a straw and now they're all happy. I guess it's oh when we play the straw game the family stops fighting is that what we're going

for? Who knows. I feel like trying to assign points to the scenes is a losing game. Yeah. Okay. So then like a little Eric goes next door to see Mr. G who is chopping firewood. Yep. They live in LA. Yeah. And Corvand Bernson needed a chopping double to do one strike of an axe. Also wrong tool idiots. You're going to want a mall, not an ax like at least

the splitting axe, not that so stupid. My dad's beating the shit out of these people so many times. How many times do you measure that wood before you use your mall and your it's not it's different. Oh my God. Hack. All right. Hands off. He's so angry right now. Right. And what's so amazing about this scene is that they start talking about how Eric doesn't get along with his sister instead of why you don't fuck this man as chopping wood in LA. Well, you can only imagine how that scene would go.

Hey, little Billy, what's the matter? Oh, it's my sister. She's all, wait, I'm sorry. Are you chopping wood? Yep. Why? Oh, it's for the fire. You see, Billy? Oh, nothing like it. Sorry. I'm sorry. We live in Southern California. We do. But at night at night is 1847. Where did you even get the wood like i mean i would understand firewood but you have unchopped wood where did you cut down a tree at l.a.

you want to start the campfire you got a schmooser. Yeah. This is a schmooser. Yeah. Just in this podcast about grabbing her by her pads, it's a weird thing. Okay. Call back. Gotta keep it in.

And he uses the phrase, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. What? That's so fucking, why am I trying to catch flies? What kind of fucking weirdo is cat? I don't understand. And also you can catch more flies with a freshly killed corpse than honey. So yeah, okay. Anyway, so now we have another super useful scene. The little girls are having a tea party when Eric comes in and

someone's pulled the hat off of his doll. That's the whole scene. That's it. And again, this is supposed to be like Kelly being sad that she's always fighting with her brother, but I'm just coaching her through it. The whole thing Kelly, embrace your hatred. Let the hate. Oh, oh, you. Yeah, like, like at this point, my notes are just like, oh my God, this is just random shit from a dying man who always wanted to make a movie in his grandson had too much money to tell him no. Right? Cause like nothing connects to anything from here on out. Right?

Like we go straight from that scene of them fighting over the dolls head to now Jordan and Kelly want to have a have to have a heart to heart in the bathroom. Yeah, it's so good to Kelly's the greatest because yeah, they're having this little heart to heart in the bathroom. And then Eric shows up and he's like, I need to shit again. And Kelly's like, go the fuck away. Sorry, Jordan, I was saying I need to be nicer to everybody. And yes, shit in your hand and eat it. So I was thinking maybe I could just like be one of those

people who like asked people how they're doing. Maybe give them tips on where to shit and what do you? I love that. I love to that like Jordan's thing here is she's like, well, Kelly, it's okay. I forgive you for calling me a bitch in every single scene you've appeared in so far, but be careful or you'll grow up to be a cyber bully like me. Oh God, I wanted to do like one of those scared straight programs. Yeah. You know how many people I bully up in? Yeah.

You're even know how many people I've bullied up in here. All right. So now Jordan and Landon are going to flirt some more. And this part of the movie pissed me off about as much as the building shit part pissed off Heath's dad because he goes out to flirt with him and he says, Hey, I thought maybe you could come over to my house later and we could have a Poe movie marathon. Poe movie marathon. They know that Poe didn't make movies, right? He wrote stuff. I don't know the day of that.

I don't know the day of that. I don't know the day of that. 61 Roger Korman classic retelling of the pit and the bench alum. Like, this is not even a possible thing to do. Edgar Allen Poe movies is literally three Vincent Price movies, a Polish cartoon from the 80s, and some made for TV shit. Like, this is not even a thing that exists in the world. I just love that some fucking idiot involved with his script is like, what does smart people

do on dates? What a college people do on dates? Probably watch Po poll movies. I bet they love the famous very, very talented writer that you eventually learn is a great writer Edgar Allen Poe. The universe really agreed to be fantastic at writing by everyone above grade nine. Bell jar was amazing. The gift. I love to like, okay, so she's having this conversation with him.

This is the point where she's like, I regret bullying more than anything I've ever done and land. It's like, well, why don't you come over to my house and get some way more interesting shit to regret? Yeah. We can, we can top this. Yeah. Yeah.

She goes full, Jesse Spano here. I'm so scared. It's excited. And he's like, yeah, I'm mostly invested in your problem. Let's talk about it later. Plus a huge buy. All right. So that we cut back to the family house. later plus a huge buy. So.

All right. So now we cut back to the family house. Jordan's going to come and join them for dessert this at this point. And I have this in my notes at this point. So I watch this on Christian cinema.com, which is stuff because unlike Amazon and a lot of the other movie services that we use, you can't scroll over and see how much credits there are. Right. So this movie was like watching soccer.

I never knew how close I was. I don't know how can it's a tie. What? No, make them keep playing. But okay. So now Jordan has to go have a talk with Kelly about being such a little bitch all the time. Right. Who seems in a row.

Well, just two out of three. Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. And they start talking and the writer doesn't have any way to resolve it. So they just start giggling in the middle of them talking, but really poorly. Yeah, it's amazing. She's like, I will torture you.

I'm going to take a torture you. And I wanted Kelly to just be like, do it motherfucker. I'll record that shit on my Apple watch. It's quick question for you, 10 year old. Why are you so much better than me in acting? What's going on with that? It's not that we're here. Oh, it's because you never had to develop a personality.

Before he's anything, Ed Grail and Poe is not a personality. Nope. You're just naming a person. You were about to say at growl and Poe is not a personality. Nope. You're just naming a person. You were about to say at growl and Poe. I saw you about to say that, not a personality. Nope. Ed growl and Poe. Nope.

Well, okay. So name one other person who wrote anything. Alan Edgar Poe. She's slow. Also, okay. So keeping in mind that Eli picks the movies for this show and we don't usually know what we're getting into. At this point, the movie, a very attractive young woman is surrounded by little girls

going, can I sleep with you tonight? I was nervous as fuck. Yeah. When Jordan does it, she's the hero. When I do it, I'm under arrest. All right. So now she goes downstairs. She's about to go to her big Poe movie marathon with Landon, but she has to stop to talk to mom and dad about how awesome they are for

being nice to her. Oh, is there any straw left or why? Oh, right. Yeah. And, uh, uh, but that says to be back before midnight, Corbin Burnson turns into a werewolf and I'm like, fuck you. That's not how werewolves work. Go. We would have to be a full moon.

That doesn't even make any fucking sense in accurate movie. So okay. So now Jordan's at land is to watch Edgar Allan Poe movies. And it's time for Landon's confession. You see, he hates someone and he ended up in the hospital. Yeah, I would love some details about that. Like really was like something in his ass something was in his ass I

Want it so because he goes he goes and then when I went to visit him I found out it's dad had died that year and I wanted him to be like in hazing Ripple is actually really not great Cut of funny you got a good. I shouldn't laugh though in retrospect, they shouldn't laugh. But the key here though is, Landa tells her, hey, look, I apologize to the kid that I bullied and he forgave me right away. So you should go apologize to the girl that you bullied and odds are very good, she won't shoot you, right?

Yep. So now we're going to go, the two of them are gonna go together while she apologizes to the girl that she bullied. And I was doing so good. I was doing so good. Why couldn't you have cast just a normal human? Yes, so she can get over to the house. You could tell, you could just tell when this girl walks into the movie. You're like, Oh Eli's having trouble. It's a golf kid. She shows up at the door and dress like she came from Marty

girl with the night's watch. All of my notes are just I wrote and deleted another interstitial. I wrote and another interstitial. If this is Eli, he just like punches this goth person in the face, gives him a finger and runs away. Sorry, I forgot. I was really going to try to apologize, but you dressed like it again. This is your God.

I didn't realize you dressed like that at home. You just walk around your house like for you. That's for Oh God. God sweat pants. What does that even mean? I didn't even think I was, do wear those black tassels so we know what team you're on. That's, I love this line too, because the goth chick says, you don't know what it's like

for to be tormented every second of the day. And I'm like every second really, every two practical, like somebody's going like, Hey, guys, who has two 34 and 18 seconds? A.M. I am not picking up somebody else's shift again this week. Every second of the day. And but they didn't do anything about it. Did you? You were like, ah, I wonder why people are treating me this way. Let me take a gander in the mirror and see if there's anything that's different about this item than anything else on the grocery belt.

No, it's fine. It's fine It is However you want it's everyone's fault not being nice You got to be nice. It's your fault for Robin. They could be in store no matter how open the clerk leaves the cash I don't understand like just fucking relax about it go Go to college, get crazy dick all the time. This goth girl definitely does that when she goes to college or pussy or whatever she wants to get both. I don't care.

Then make money and then laugh at this sad bully who is going to be a sloppy single mom at the five year reunion. Like it's perfect. There's a formula for this. Count to five in your head and she's pregnant. One, two, three, two, three, two. It was two. It was two.

You made it to two, she's pregnant. And now she's aborted it and she's pregnant again. Learn the code. Arise. Exactly. Look like an extra from the crow and you blame me for bullying. It's fine. No, learn to code is the winner.

It wins all of those scenarios. Everybody who. No, learn to code is the winner. It wins all of those scenarios. Everybody who got bullied learned to code you won. All right. So, but the goth girl does forgive her for the bullying. And then she goes back to the car to tell land. And it was a very good idea. They talk about how great Corbin Burnson is some more. And she gives us some on the cheek. Oh, the kiss on the cheek and the Christian movie hug. And you can see both of these actors be like, there's no way this is in the script. We're supposed to. Now the woman at the Dove Foundation literally fainted when we suggested it. Yes. Like bloody

shit ran down her pants. So it was, it was not fun. All right, so then we cut back to the family at the table eating dessert some more. All these people do. Yeah, dessert and drawing names from a hat again. You're going to want to get that scene in there a third time. Yes. Fuck, I feel like I missed the nuance of the scene the first two times. It's good. It's rule of threes. You want three of the same scene. I love to that this movie is about them doing this straw thing with the secret Santa's, but it never factors into the story really. Right? That's what this movie is about. And also it's never about that.

They could have worked it in like like mom could have like picked herself and just like grab the hotachi wand out of the drawer and walked upstairs. I would have been great. He comes back down with a bell of hay drops it on the table or or one of the other kids could have picked mom and walked up with a hotachi wand. I'm fine with that. And here's the crazy thing. The kid's so mad, mad right he runs away because he picked Kelly again And the moral that this movie presents us is mom goes, okay, you want to switch cuz I mean Kelly is a fucking It's not like sometimes you got to be nice even if you don't want to it's just like yeah Kelly's a bitch. What are you gonna do? Who do I have okay? I'll take Kelly you got dad you got a fuck dad tonight Well also this whole fucking scene is so creepy. Right. So he picks the, the name he gets

angry again. He gives a Darth Vader know and runs out of the house. Mom goes out to the shed where he's got his little secret for it. And he starts talking about like I've gotten Kelly all three weeks. The odds of that are fucking astronomically low. And he says, one and three hundred and forty three. I'm like, I understand that he's pissed. I want to flash cut to Kelly, replacing all the names in the hat with her name. Fucking idiots. I love Kelly. But also he says at this point, he's like, I've been trying to be nice to Kelly.

I even laid out her night gown. That's creepy, right? Absolutely creepy. Like, no, mom, you don't understand. I even touched my little sisters underwear. And basically he's saying, like, mom, I'm pretty sure I'm going to beat the fuck out of that bitch. And that'll ruin Christmas.

And mom says, no, the fact that you haven't beat the fuck out of her means that Christmas is great. And she's so good at fucking roasting you. You got to let it go. It's hilarious. You do look like chunk on chemo. That was so funny. Can you roast back?

No, you're not normally. Exactly. You deserve it. Why don't you get married, have some kids and die then. You want to learn to code? No, you're not or me exactly you deserve it. Why don't you get married, have some kids and die then. You want to learn to code? No, you're stupid too. Okay, it doesn't work for everybody. Okay, so yeah, but then they,

it's near as I can tell, resolve the film's central conflict by mom sending an off switch names with you. That's it. That is the moral of the story is, look, if your kids don't get along, they don't fucking get along. 18 years, they're already in a fucking house. Who's business is that a US? So, oh, and we, we, we glased over this earlier, but at one point in the movie, Mr. G Corbin Bernson's character has a snowball making machine.

Right. So, by the way, yeah, they are. They're, wait, that's like, like, like they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they that we have another scene where Eric gets him back because the guys who made that snowball machine were like, look, you can use it for free. You can use it for free, but they have to use it in the movie. And I'm on the snowballpowee.com. The snowball. What do you mean? How do you spell power? He spelled power.

No, that's wrong. It's an IE catch. And also, okay, but this is the greatest fucking thing. Again, this is an accidental comedy set up that this movie doesn't realize it's making because first we see Eric getting a snowball together, right? So that he can get his sweet, sweet revenge. But then we cut up over to Corbin Bernson, who is looking at a picture of his dead wife and mourning her.

Oh, I wanted him to get hit in the face with the snowball while he was mourning so bad. Just damn, God, just down. Just like he's sick and he does. Oh, that's almost exactly what happens though, right? Cause he's looking at that picture talking and then there's a knock on the door. He comes to the door and the kid pelts him with a snowball. Uh, yeah. It's great. I want to see all 20 takes like because he gets, he hits him in the chest is what we see. But I want to see the takes when this kid clearly hit Corbin Bernson in the face a bunch of times. Just like, all right, seriously, I won't do it this time. No, no, no, no, action. Blam, face, how stupid are you? Seriously, that was

the last time though. Okay. Give me a note. It's normal. Tell him to stop saying kiss, kiss bang, bang when he throws it. All right. So, but now we also have to have the scene where Jordan tells the family that she's had a lot of fun and learned an awful lot about the dangers of cyber bullying, but she's going to have to leave pretty soon because the movie's almost over. Right. And she says at one point, she's like, hey, you know this dog that I took, I can't keep him. So you guys are going to have to do that. It's like, I have a better idea. We, and I thought they were going to just be like,

drown it. We're this movie. But no, they're going to give it back to Ms. G. Yeah. Okay. So now we cut to Jordan and Landon at Landon's house. She's giving him a gift. It's in a gift bag because she's lazy and doesn't really give a shit. Okay. Some of us, some of us can't wrap. It's a real illness. Somebody who can wrap and one out of 800. You said fucking mall. They'll just wrap it for you. No, I'm not going to papyrus to be judged. No, I'm going to papyrus to make my way past 75 calendars, ask some girl to wrap it. No, I'll meet her out back. She can do some download wrapping, stand on a line with her sad pathetic men. No, people with arthritis and me, no, thank you.

And hey, guys, guess what? She got him for Christmas. That's house of usher. Okay, well, she got him just a book and he looks at it. He's like Edgar Allan Poe, right? But he got her the house of, like, I'm sorry, isn't that a nine page story? Yeah, it's a nine page story about about look, I'm not bearing her body because I want to fuck it. And then the ghost and demons drag the house into hell. And then she

points out her favorite poem in that book. Yes. And has him read it out loud, which is weird. But that's when we find out that her favorite poem, because this movie's fucking stupid. Her favorite poem is the second half of a poem. He has. He starts reading the second half of him. That's her favorite poem. Idiots. Idiots.

How are that? That takes like so much extra effort to get wrong. I don't understand. Right. Right. Exactly. I guess that's just where the page started that he opened it to. Well, because at some point they were in the last day of shooting and they were like, we should actually read some Edgar Allan Poe and they had to a PA frantically flipping pages. It's it's all about a dead teenager. It is nothing. There's nothing that double. Let us do. Okay. I got a, I got a second half of something that is explicitly about a teenager that the first half absolutely makes clear is about a teenager.

There's gay sex right at the beginning, but we skip halfway down. Really? There was gay sex at the beginning of Edgar Allan post poem right there. Okay. So. All right. But then they have an actual kiss, right? Like, why far the kissiest kiss we've ever seen in a Christian movie. Yeah. And then Corbin Burns and walks in and she tells them that they're going to give them the dog back. This is the moment where the dog growls and then very clearly bites. Corbin Burns. It's the best. And he's just got to like play it off. Like, haha, what a little scam. It's the best. He's like, I missed you boy. Oh, okay. Hey. Did I mention I had some jam earlier? Well, off to the jam factory. I'm getting

Perfect. I'm getting moving. All right. So now it's time for Christmas dinner. And the kids come in all dressed as cultural appropriation to put baby Jesus in the manger. The now I heard branding is so weird. Oh God. Okay. So but seriously, like imagine you got invited to somebody's house for Christmas dinner

and then this happened, right? Like the kids start coming out dressed as the three wise men carrying a baby Jesus to a major. I would be going through the fucking windows, start bidding on one of them. 25 bucks. What are we doing? Don't get mad at me, Alan. What are you? You trust your kids up like adults.

What am I supposed to think? You let go over pad. And then Corbin burns in by the way, cuts the kids off, right? The kids are about to lay the baby Jesus in the manger. He's like, it's in my contract. I lay the fucking baby Jesus in a fucking manger. Why don't you guys talk about my biceps some more? I, I have a monologue and I am going to weep.

It was Roger mother fucking dorm. That was in theaters. Got him. All right. That was Roger mother fucking dorm. That was in theaters. God. All right. And then we cut to Eric laying out Kelly's night gown again, because it wasn't enough to hear about this. Oh, they walk in while I wanted to be like, are you sniffing my night gown? I was just making sure it was clean, big little sister. You're making sure my night guy was clean.

Uh-huh. I mean, let me ask you something. How many minutes before you take a shit? How close are you right now? Negative two. Really? Yeah. You already did.

You're all right. And also, by the way, at this point, he gives, because the whole time they've been fighting, she wants his remote to play with his remote control truck and he won't let her, right? They've been fighting about that through the whole movie. And so he gives her the remote control truck at this point, right? To do a sweet thing for a sister, but they were supposed to be doing secret shit. So is she supposed to wonder who gave him Eric's truck? Yeah, just mom being like nailed it.

I got her by the last week. So I gave her Eric's truck. Ha ha ha. Just mom being like nailed it. I got her by the last week, so I gave her Eric's truck. Yeah. And now, by the way, it's over because the end, right? Like the movie ends on that little moment. And but before it can end entirely, they come up and say like, and by the way, that kid, the Eric, the kid that was based on died

So if you've been making fun of them through an entire fucking episode of a podcast feel bad mother fuck your cyber bully Did he die of diabetes because you fed him ice cream every second of the shoot? He's dead that's all you need to know All right, but yeah, no, that's the end when anyone like to take a stab at the moral of this story. No matter how much they tempt you, nobody deserves bullying. Stra. Stra.

Stra. I always think it leave your sisters underwear alone or God will kill you. Uh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha A little Christmas business. Oh, Jesus, fuck it. We're gonna do that all goddamn month, aren't we? It's our Christmasacular. All right, so with that to look forward to our gonna ring episode 172, do a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can go per episode donation at patreon.com slash god awful and thereby orderly access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by linking with five star review on iTunes and by showing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this,

you'll be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a, the aesthetician needed, the skeptic crowd available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email gotoff on movies.gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law, this is a P.A. and Routaurus Tim Roberts,

the takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slatt, and the convival drafts on Mars. Although the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath and right Neely Bosnick, I'm no illusions from his Newark Hard to earn another chunk next week until then, we'll

leave you with a breakfast club close. Jordan went on to become way less attractive and was forced to develop personality. She pretends that she's read all of Crust. Kelly went on to do battle with Gandalf on the bridge of Kassad Boone. Corbin and Landon never spoke about that kiss over the cookies, but they both knew. They knew. All right. I think that's the realistic skid. I just want to keep this on record. I'd be an amazing quarterback in a game of touch football. He would be put the ball wherever I want.

I'm like fucking right here. I want in first email state as the quarter. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.