God Awful Movies - 173: Gam173 A Little Christmas Business

Episode Date: December 11, 2018

On this week's episode, we team up for an atheist review of "A Little Christmas Business"; the story of an acid trip having a nightmare about Daniel Baldwin. --- Get tickets to our live show in Dallas here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

And watching Daniel Baldwin long to sit in this chair is such a butt he keeps trying to move around the space so that it would be a natch for him to be sitting in this chair he's our gestures his way across the room so he's sitting near it and then the other guy leaves and he's like oh it's just about to scare. I want to sit in this chair. I'm so tired. So tired of not being Alec. Not awful. Movie.

Movie. Movie. movie movie movie Welcome back to the Gamcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because no one intervened in time I'm your host no illusions and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right Heath welcome back Thanks Noah So you know who's a good actor? I don't. Alec Baldwin. Daniel Baldwin, Steven Baldwin, pretty much everyone in the last name Baldwin has

some acting ability. Are you sure about that? Daniel Steven 100%. And maybe the average Demout Daniel becomes a decent actor. I don't, I don't think so though. Back draft wasn't even back draft. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you? This fine afternoon, sir.

I'm pretty sure I took a bunch of acid a few days ago and imagined a movie. So I find now that's fun. I just let um, let's hope that we all imagined the same movie though, right? So tell us, Heath, what acid trip will we be breaking down today? We watched, uh, David Lynch is a Christmas Carol. Oh, someone has a little Christmas business. And it's exactly like the title makes it sound. This is the mall kiosk of Christmas. In the dirt mall that has just like pretzels and the Dead Sea Salt Scrub Guy and that's it. And one guy who fixes shoes or something like maybe a cobbler Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush.

Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush.

Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush.

Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. Daniel Paul Bush. settling horror of a fuck robots face. You love this move. It's Mark Zuckerberg of the movie. We actually made one of those and it was way better than this. So even finding this movie is a great example of this movie. Because when you look it up on Amazon five, there's a version you can buy made in 2013 and there's a free version made in 2015 that are the same

movie. And no one, that's the experience you're in for with a little Christmas business. You know, when you do a bunch of drugs and you're about to have a bad trip and you sort of do a bunch of weird stuff to try and scare the bad trip away, you're like, oh, no, I just, I need a Krispy Kreme donut really quickly. And then I need everyone to take off their socks and talk about how cool their feet are. And I just, it's gonna be fun.

This is that feeling the movie. Yeah. Okay. So two things I never thought I would say about a movie. Wow, I'm surprised Amazon Prime would have a movie this bad on it. And wow, I'm surprised a movie this bad could net Daniel Baldwin. I said both of those things yesterday. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst. All my notes and in what? That's like, that's pretty common in these movies to have some what's in there, but there's

not a single scene in this movie where my notes didn't end with what the fuck is happening or some other extreme variation of what? Oh, no, yeah. Literally, after I read that and your nose, I did a control F for what the fuck is happening and I got five. What with a question mark got 17. All right, I was going to go with best worst equipment consistency. Yes, it's shot on an iPhone. They have a red at one point.

It is. It is baffling. Yeah, I'm right of this film. Okay. So clearly what happened here is they had not good equipment, but decent equipment for most of this movie. And then they had to do a bunch of reshoots or something like that because somebody was wearing a Nike shirt and Nike was like, oh, fuck no, or something. And they just used what they had, right? So like the microphones in the camera are wildly out of sync through this movie. They are never good, but sometimes they're worse.

Oh, it's nuts. And like the question, you know that thing where the kids reconstructed Indiana Jones and you can see them getting better and better equipment? It's like that in reverse. Yeah. This movie. All right. Did you have any best words, Celay? Yeah. I'm going to go with best worst understanding of a trope, right? Because what this movie

is going for is Christmas Carol, right? Ebenezer Scrooge is like a grumpy guy and then he gets visits by ghosts. But that somehow got broken down into business man meets dead people who love him. Christmas. Like that's the closest whoever made this script got to understanding a Christmas Carol. It's like the Finnegan's Wake version of Christmas Carol. Is what I'm feeling the narrator of Finnegan's Wake is describing Christmas Carol to me. That's what this movie is like. They got confused by that plot, which is very, very simple. Yeah. Yeah. Repeatedly. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, if we're going to try to explain this movie, we need all the time we can get. So we're going to keep the break, breathe, and when we come back, we'll dive into all the

2008 cell phone footage that is a little Christmas business. Goodbye. Hey, Jack, I wasn't expecting to see it today. Who's this? Yeah, I know. I just, you will call the meeting tomorrow. What? Who are you? What's this? Yeah, I know. I just you will call the meeting tomorrow. What? Who are you? What's happening? I was Mike. Yeah, this is this is Mike. He's going to be writing the screenplay for our movie.

Uh huh. Yeah. And why is he sticking his dick in the water fountain? If I had a guess, I would say he's trying to reverse P. He's what? He doesn't get the time dimension. He's temporarily impaired or something. Right. Okay, reverse P. Yeah. So, when can you have the script done? No, by with the month.

What? He'll have something banged out soon as well. No, no, no, it'll be before that Before what now Okay, are you sure he can write a script that's gonna make any sense it seems like I don't even suspect that he can No, right. Yeah, so why did we hire him? His uncle has a really cool wood-piled hallway where we can shoot nine out of every ten shots in this movie Sorry guys, when is your bathroom? What hello

Hey podcast listener has this ever happened to you? Oh, it's a cast listener, has this ever happened to you? Oh, it's a hat. I was just thinking I would start wearing gloves. Well, then give the gift everyone is sure to love this holiday season tickets to our live show in Dallas, Texas on January 12th. Not only will you be giving that special someone the gift of laughter, but you'll be giving us money as well. So if you think about it, it's like two gifts.

But that's not all. Buy a VIP or platinum ticket before December 15th and we'll record a special holiday message for whoever you like. Hey, Dave, can't wait to see at the live show. Melissa, would you consider your marriage all the way closed? What's the deal? Not that last one. Got all the movies live in Dallas, Texas, because the greatest gift is being

present. Really. That's that's what we're going with Eli. Present. Yeah, present. No, we got it. Like a birthday. Birthday present. Yeah. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start off with a red flag. This is brought to us by breaking glass pictures, which even the production company is named after fucking something up apparently from, ah, it's everywhere production. All right. And I know I've had a lot of font notes recently, but this font is almost self-spooping, right? The green, the bright, green, cursive font that you can barely read

over these backgrounds. All right. So we get a awful lot of credits. The key though is that Daniel Baldwin is in this and also Lorenzo Lamas. I just wrote my notes. Well, this entire movie be done through credits because I'm okay with that. I knew we would get to it eventually and I'm okay with it. Yeah. And we also get some bad Christmas music. Yeah.

Actually, what child is this is being played? And the guitar player is clearly trying to get laid by playing what child is this, but like extra hard. And you can like hear the transition just like, we're waiting in the now. A lot of rock stars did a Christmas album. All right. So now we see a sad looking Santa with the wrong hat on In front of a store this sad looking Santa will be a major like mover of the plot in this film Oh, I feel like I don't know

I With draw he'll be in it a lot I say. There's lots of him in this movie. All right, so now we're going to meet a little kid who's just going to go off and get raped until the last scene. That's real. Okay. I was my second viewing that I realized that's what this kid was. And I, I was, I had this crazy moment where I was like, what if this whole movie makes sense? Like, what if I keep seeing interconnecting threads on the second viewing? Do not worry.

No, no, no. Okay. So, yeah, so we meet a mom and her son that we will barely ever see again. The kid wants to go into the toy store, but she's got to go to work. So she, she lets him go, but only very, very briefly can only like visit the toys quickly. This is the worst mom. She's like, yeah, you can go look at the toy store for five minutes and get nothing. Enjoy.

Have a good time with that. I'm going to let you do that by yourself. Hope you don't get kidnapped, best of luck. Make sure you bother the demonstrators. That's right. Fuck you, lady. Say a bunch of personal stuff so that everyone knows your life's like a tiny little tragedy, but they've got to keep smiling because they work there.

Like just a little slip in, little like daddy keeps drinking the night well, just keeps throwing that in there in between conversations about the toy. There you go. My skin sure is loose. Look how loose it is. It's pulling right off. All right. So then we got to a different mom and son. This one is hanging out at their house in the morning. Mom is making breakfast just like 93% of the moms that we've met

on this show, right? And David, the kid is staring at his huge number of Christmas presents. Yeah. Moms, moms looking good, by the way. Is she huge number of Christmas presents. Yeah. Mom's, mom's looking good, by the way. Is she not? Oh, yeah. No, no, absolutely. Oh, I like, she's like strong good. Like she could, she could like hang with me at a meat restaurant with an entire pig's

head. Yeah. It's in a fight with Sarah Huckabee Sanders and wins. Yeah. Right. Right. He's in an angry hand job on the way home. Absolutely.

All right. All right. So then we get we cut to Daniel Baldwin getting ready in the morning. Now he is This is insane. This is I could not stand this. I literally fast forwarded for it. He's Daniel Baldwin is shaving the exactly the way I imagine.

Daniel Just like, like a fucking lunatic like he might be his face. He might as well be pulling the hair individually out of his face. He's doing circles with it. Oh my God, he's got too any chand,

he's going double. It's nuts. I mean, I know we make fun of weird shit on this show, but seriously, though, honestly, he shaves really fucking weird in this movie. All right. I feel so bad for Daniel Baldwin, because that wasn't a direction. Right. Was like, because he doesn't, I was like, oh, okay, he's doing that because he's going to cut himself or there's going to be a joke about our bet. No, that's just Daniel Baldwin was like, here you go. I'm sorry.

You notice, should I do my shave scream? I'm sorry, Daniel. You're what? Say nice shave scream. Okay. You guys know your shave scream, right? You did. Okay, let's hear it.

Let's hear it. Okay. I'm not out. I'm not out. Who I am in IA right? You did. Okay, let's hear it. Let's hear it. Ah! I'm not out. I'm not out. Who? I am an I out. You know what? We got it.

We got it. Got it. Got it. Well, and okay, so then they try for a comedy beat here because they don't realize that this is funny. So he gets a call on his cell phone and then he gets him shaving cream on his phone and he can't figure out how to get it off. So he licks the shaving cream off of his phone. Yeah.

What? Well, that is absolutely cool whip. That was the man of Daniel Ball. And he's like, we're going to use cool whip as this prop. And I'm going to eat so much of it. He's so many takes. And he does. There were several shots where he was just scooping the cool whip

into his mouth from either side of the face with a razor. And they were like, Daniel, that's not how anyone shaves. That's a shave. I know, man, we saw earlier today, but half the cast quits, you can't do that on camera. Are we out of fucking cool whip? Oh, that's my cool whip scream. That's my out of cool whip scream.

All right, so there's more money for mics. No, we do not. You just have cool up money now. You got to stop yelling into them. So okay. So now we cut to the Daniel and his wife and his son and all saying grace before breakfast. Daniel Baldwin, by the way, looks 106 and like the years haven't been kind, right? Not good. 106. He looks, he looks 106. He's married to the female avatar of Heathenai's hometown. And his child looks like one of those gray aliens, you know, the grays wearing a human face

for an offensive intergalactic menstrual shot. Like someone's going to write a hot take about how offensive his child's costume is. Oh, yeah, the kid is crazy. Like if there was a boy named a ABCDE, it's this kid. He is nuts again. He looks like a giant bee tried to disguise itself like chunk from. And then stung itself in the face a bunch. It's he's allergic to himself too. He looks like he's going to tell you he's four thirds Asian. All right. So yeah. Now,

we have the whole like, you know, boy, is it this a wacky, happy family moment here where Daniel Baldwin wants to take a son to the thing, but mom doesn't think you should go to the thing because of the homework, but Daniel Baldwin gets his way. and this goes on for, you know, 11 minutes or so. Yeah. But and again, I'm not going to point this out every time. I promise it's the insane version of that conversation, right? We've seen this conversation a thousand times in a thousand different movies, but this is the like he hasn't done his homework. I'll tell you what, I'll bring him home. I'll do his homework. He'll make love to you.

They can hear the singing on Mars. They can hear the singing on Mars. They can hear the singing on Mars. And then it cuts away. You have to watch this movie. You have to watch this movie just so I'm not the only one who's seen this movie. I need a fourth person to see this movie. All right, so now we, we're going to cut to a scene in the car. Now the camera wasn't good before, right? But it was good for this movie. This car scene is like a ransom video from the 90s. It's nuts. Yeah, Zach Morris is shooting part of this movie on his 92 cell phone camera

that apparently they have, but only sometimes because they have, I think two cameras or do they eventually have three or four different ones? Like one's the Zaprooter camera. I pod shuffle that's got a piece of green cellophane that they didn't take off. Three case protector. Yes. So, all right. So they're going to go stop by grandma's, but first Daniel Baldwin gets a call from his angry boss.

Now yelling Jim Caffigan. Yeah. I mean, this movie is almost cartoony from time to time. Like when we meet angry boss, he has this weird all-base soundtrack, as though he was a cartoon elephant that was sneaking, right? There's a lot like, you know, there's wacky sound effects when they have like funny, air quotes, funny moments. And stuff, this is one of those moments.

The boss is yelling just random business words. Yeah, we get more scripting with madlibs. It was just like, yeah, I need a last name and a business word right now. Johnson numbers. Okay. Where are the numbers on the Johnson account? Like seriously, that's what they came up with. Yeah, throughout the movie. It's just like that. Yeah. This is the first but not last time I will write in my notes. This feels like the dry run of a movie like not quite the dress rehearsal for a movie.

Like I'm in an elevator with Daniel Baldwin and he's describing to me this movie. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. All right. So they show up at Granny's now Now, Granny has early on set dementia, right? Like this movie will several times

she'll like forget that she said something or forget about something. This movie will not deal with it. This movie will treat it almost like that's like like a wacky characteristic of grandma, her Alzheimer's. Absolutely. It's like, oh, grandma. You're ever increasing dementia. Here's the only way that character trait would have made sense. If at the end of

the movie, we had seen her sit down to write this movie. This entire movie would make sense. All right. And okay. So here's how lazy this fucking movie is. What they need to establish here is that Daniel Baldwin's character is spending too much time at the office and not enough time with his family. So mom turns to granny turns to him and says, now Daniel Baldwin, are you spending more time at the office and less with your family? That's how they get there. Family. Are you establishing the plot? Wow. And again, like that's what all our movies are about. Basically, especially these Christmas ones, but

holy shit is that a lazy way to get there. And also, apparently that's all the purpose that, well, that and the funny fruitcake jokes is all the purpose that this scene has, right? Cause clearly they have stopped by to say goodbye. Yep. They she they came by for her to be like fruit cake and for them to be like, most people don't find that enjoyable. That's it. I'll echo through the wall now. All right. So they get back in the car to the drive to the next scene. Now they have this impossibly useless conversation about how the kid doesn't like his teacher old lady Jones. I again, I feel insane watching. I felt so crazy. Well, the scene begins with him saying, do I have to eat the fruitcake and Daniel Baldwin

going, no. And then because they didn't write a joke, the music goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, , blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, , blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, no, he did not. No, this is the word for word response that Daniel Baldwin says to his child. Yes, please. I don't guess you could say I liked all of them.

What? I don't guess. You could say I liked all of them. And then he pauses, because you could see Daniel Baldwin the actor being like, what the fuck Did I just say? The actors are so confused by this movie. Yeah, much like my notes a bunch of lines and with actors also being like, uh, what?

Yeah, now that you guys heard it, can we fix that? Like can you guys maybe read your words out loud and we can avoid this? The writers you can do that. You can just write it and words out loud and we can avoid this. The writers, you can do that. You can just write it and then say it to yourself. All right. No, but now they they have to stop so dad can business and business with the business. And on the way upstairs, he has an acid trip. Yeah. Well, falling down acid trip thing. He bumps into the, to this guy on the way out and he,

the trip starts right away. So I thought he had like poisoned him. I wrote in my notes, damn it, he never should have arranged this meeting with Vladimir Putin. Okay, yeah, that's what a place like. Yeah, like the guy had slipped him something or gave him an injection as he walked by. And by the way, the best part of this is Daniel Baldwin really falling down and hurting himself.

And it was against the top of the standard. His face hits this carpeted floor so hard. It's so good. The fall is so aggressive. But Daniel Baldwin could have belly flopped off a high die. It's so good. Oh, he had butts to the floor. Yeah. day a woman could have belly flopped off a high die. It's so good. Oh, he had butts to the floor.

Yeah. No, clearly. Um, and okay. And then he gets, we get him waking up and I wrote in my notes at this point or his heat, right? Because like fucking obviously this is the moment in the movie where it all becomes a dream sequence or some weird shit, right? Mm-hmm.

They will, they will be coy about that for the next fucking hour and still managed to confuse you even though you know that's what's going on. Yeah, I'm not a hundred percent sure about what happens. Yeah. So, okay, so he walks into the saddest shittiest office that you can imagine. I mean, it's just all wood paneling and he leads to it like working there must be like death without the release. Yeah, no, the only explanation for this movie is that everyone who worked in this office

building got to do something fun for the first time in their life. Yeah. Here he is. All right. So he's wanders through this weird hallway. And he pops in on an on air radio station that has the door open. Seems like a bad idea. Well, he pops in on a guy with a mic and a mixing board. It's, it's what I picture every other podcast studio being like. But with like none of it making any sense in a technical sense. No, wow. First of all, he has no pop filter and it's so, so aggressively

loud with the peas. It like for his play school mic that he has and things are plugged into nothing and stuff that they wouldn't like, he's one cordon as mouth nothing makes sense. Yes, and this is the DJ. His name is J.D. J.D. The DJ. Yeah. And he says, is that on purpose? And J.D. is like, no, no, it's a coincidence. I wasn't nameless to be a DJ. To my parents, name me JD in the hope side would become a DJ. These movies cannot invent just a normal fucking name. Right. Just make it like their fake names. It's got to be stuff like Johnson and Smith or somehow ethnic slurs. There's no middle ground. I'm here

to see gook rice cake. It's on the office on the fourth floor. All right. So, but the DJ tells him that before he can go get his business business, he has to go see the nurse. And this leads to what they seem to think was a joke where he says, well, you know, we sure have to cover our own two, three, four. And the other guy goes in. Interest. Interest. Interest.

It's the most awkward fucking point. Like, like we do this, like we do this shit. There's a delay on Zentcaster or whatever. And still we never have something this bad. Oh, I want to see the 97 takes that this talk where he was just like, I got it. You need to cover your own. You got that. No, you got to say interest. You go long as you thought it was good to go longer to try that. Here we go. Ready? You got to cover your own interests. Nope. That was on time. All right. One more time. Here we go.

Interests. Nope. We'd like to say it first. Okay. We do the sentence backwards. Interests. Own our cover. Got to all of you. And that's what made it into the movie. Yeah. Right. All right. So now Daniel Baldwin wanders off to go find nurse Jenny. But before he can do that, he has to run into Linda. Yep.

Who is every stranger lady who wants to talk on the airplane? Oh, it stinks that they're winning. You don't see my headphones over my headphones. I'm wearing two sets to be clear and holding a book and a newspaper. And my hood is over my head. I pulled the drawstring. She's the Wizard of Oz's scarecrow's mom. Yeah. Yeah, she's looking a little rough.

But yeah, she shows up and tries to be witty, but what it ends up being is her making fun of how bad the makeup on his head bruises. Right, she does the whole, it's kind of like a cut, but it's kind of like a bruise, but really it's kind of like somebody just dabbed a little red paint on. Can someone save me from this scene? It's not nearly as obvious as the foundation you're wearing is what I'm saying. He's wearing like a bright orange, very clearly a woman, an older woman's foundation, not theater makeup.

Come on, let's go see the nurse. Yeah. Yeah. But before they can go see the nurse, he stops and he's like, you know, this is a really interesting building. Everyone here is so nice. I believe that Daniel Baldwin has never been in a building where people are nice before. Okay.

Yeah. Nice to Daniel Baldwin. Okay. All right. I get that. So yeah. So after, but then he has to spend a minute trying to get a three way going with nurse Jenny and Linda, right? Cause she's like, this is the nurse's office. He's like, you want to come in with me? You want to? Yeah. I'll put on a, I'll put on some stirrups. And you can just ride right in there. I started to suspect this was a horror movie.

That's how uncanny the dialogue and interaction was I was like, oh, this is like, he's in hell, right? And this is like, he's going to walk into another door and the nurse is going to put stuff on him. What's going on? Yeah, no, that would have made sense. Or more sense anyway. We can get a cup of coffee or a bandaid together. We can get a cup of coffee or a bandaid together. What the fuck did I just say? Guys, read it out loud. What do we say?

All right, so they go in to see Nurse Jenny and here's how the humor in this movie works. She's on one of those little inversion benches and somebody says, Nurse Jenny, what are you doing? And she says, I'm just hanging out. And she clearly, like in real life, got this inversion bench delivered moments before her scene and could not ignore it. She had to play with her. No other way that that happened. Oh, it's the, because you could see this a lot of this scene was structured around this because we then have to watch this, you know, somewhat older lady.

Heave herself out of an inversion for eight and a half, but she's like, ah, hanging out and everyone laughs. And she's like, okay, it's easy to help me. This hurts a lot. I think I have a nosebleed. Nope. Just dizzy. All right. And by the way, like we should also point out that Daniel Baldwin's head wound is morphing

at the rate of Rorschach's mask at this point, right? Oh, absolutely. He got bit by a runner. All right. So he gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets , it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets,

it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, it gets, out to get nursed up and he realizes that nurse Jenny is the same nurse he had back in grade school. Yeah. And his nickname in grade school was Dandy Don Collier. Cause he was gay. I had no idea. They were like, what's Don? Don the. Dan word, name it D word, Dandy is the only one we can think of right now. And we saw the old dick and Dandy was the second. There was 20 minutes of silence. And then Dave said, Dandy.

So that's what we're going with. All right. And so I feel like this was my first what question mark moment of the movie, right? He's talking to the nurse and he says to her that he didn't bring his son with him like he's trying to hide the fact that he has backup in case this is a horror movie. All of my notes here are what? Yeah. It's like, I have a wife who is adamant league and a kid who is not locked in my car. That's not a seven. Right now I would I would crack a window if he was there, but he's not. So it's the last thing.

No need. Okay. So he's going to leave to go get his business business. But first she has him sign a release form. And that's okay. So here's the dialogue around the release form. He says chuckle chuckle. I guess I'm just signing my life away, huh?

And then she says, no, you are signing up for life. He doesn't then run the fuck away. No, people say that apparently to Daniel Baldwin on a regular enough basis. And he's like, I got it, signing up for life. Gonna take my vital fluids. See you later. That's some paperwork to get signed.

Hey, Santa Monica Police Department. Good to see you guys again. Awesome. We have these little moments together a lot. It's fun. All right. So finally, he gets to the business room with his business where he meets William Baxter.

But it turns out that William Baxter is his old buddy from high school. They were on the high school boxing team is what they came up with. I love that they came up with boxing team. Don't worry. It's going to come back in a way that totally pays off. It pays off. But it's the best. Again, another 20 minute silence after everyone yelled,

like, field skating and they were like, no, punch. Yeah, he could have been part of the punch club. And his buddy asked him, he's like, so what happened with that little scar there? You got in your forehead because you were boxer right you beat up six guys by yourself You know like famous actor Daniel Baldwin is known to do with Won't you on the boxing team in high school you beat up all your brothers and you're more successful in pop I was with a capital C maybe you've heard of it. I love to like when they have this back and forth, they're trying to do old buddies from high school, but this writer is so this is the same writer that came up with, I guess you

couldn't not say earlier. So he has no idea how that would work. Oh, it's the best. And this is where I realized, oh, they're doing the Christmas ghost thing, but it's the Christmas ghosts. If the Christmas ghosts were people catching up with you at a high school reunion, where you both realize you have nothing in common anymore. Yes, it's that moment where you run into someone in the grocery store in your hometown and they're like,

what are you up to? And you're like, stuff that has nothing to do with you. And they're like, oh my gosh, stuff that has nothing to do with you. Wow. Hey. Let's flower, huh?

You buying flower? Was that for your girlfriend? Get it? Cause the flowers like flowers. It's a terrible life. Yeah, well, okay. So that's the thing. Yes. Like you said, they don't get the trope. So they just have him meeting people from his past. They're not like, you know, they're not sending a message or anything. They have not, they just chit chat. You will meet a series of ghosts

and every single one of them has nothing to say. Yeah, every one of them is just like, we'll put on a little weight. Am I right? Hold on a minute. The dirty 30. And then they say some nonsense that makes no sense and he doesn't address it. They say another thing like, yes, you know, we're a eternal. What? Did you say we're eternal? That's. Yeah. Thanks. See, that like just talking to just start stealing from Dickens or whatever the fuck you're going to do. Let's go hurry up. Yeah, no shit. Each of these characters will try to do like a subtle hint that they're a ghost, but they can't pull off ghost or subtle. So just so this one, for instance, he's like, oh, yeah, I moved into the afterlife. Nope.

Yes. explicit. Yeah. All right. So he leaves that office. Stalker Linda comes back to try to fuck him some more. And I guess he needs a second signature too. He thought he only did the one, but Billy Baxter tells him he needs Mr. Schnell's signature as well. I thought he said Mr. Snow and I was very upset, but it's. He's. No.

No. All right. So he's walking down the hall. Linda's going to show him to Mr. Schnell's office, but then he runs into his old boxing coach. He's got a t-shirt tucked into his pants. What's wrong with having a t-shirt tucked into his pants. What's wrong with having a t-shirt tucked into your pants, Eli? He looks amazing. I'm a t-shirt tucked into my pants right now.

He is every high school teacher I've seen out in public ever. Yeah. No, Eddie, and they're like, he's like, Hey, what have you been doing, coach? He's like rotten into ground, but mysteriously enact one. I wait. No, they had. Is that a note? Is that my line or a note? All right. And of course, all of these ghosts also have to stop and talk about a, what an asshole is boss is and b, how the most important thing is family. But again, not like in a way that's

coherent with what's going on, they'll just stop and app and say, apropos of nothing. You're boss is an asshole. And the most important thing is family. Bye. Yeah. Again, it is nuts. Also, it's a tiny moment, but the coach in him scene takes place near a chair and watching Daniel Baldwin long to sit in this chair.

Is such a, he keeps trying to move around the space so that it would be natural for him to be sitting in this chair. He's our gestures his way across the room. So he's sitting near it. And then the other guy leaves and he's like, oh, it's just about to share. I want to sit in this chair. I'm so tired. So tired of not being Alec. And again, because this movie is so lazy right, like because every character is somebody from his past, but instead of the like the movie trusting us to go, hmm, I wonder who this Linda person will be from his past.

He has to stop and say, weird, that all the other characters in this movie are people from my past. What about you, Linda? And she says, oh, act to maybe. Oh, trust me. I'm going to pay off in a way that makes really no fucking sense. Really? Really?

Were you my English teacher? Did we fuck? Hey, see a Dawson's Creek. No, I can't sing. I don't want to wave. All right. My boat to me am dead. This is Smith, the English teacher.

Dandy and Smith. All right. So now we're going to cut to Daniel's wife who is also apparently having an alternate timeline in his dream too, right? Because they encounter Santa who's going to turn out that's one of the learned he's a Christmas cast who's going to be a Christmas ghost, but maybe this isn't part of the Christmas ghost. I'm not who the fuck knows. Yeah. Okay. So she comes over to to great. He's house. Granny remember has Alzheimer's, but they're planted as a comedy piece. She's just

scared. Remember nothing nowadays. Oh, and again, so just a great example of how insane this movie is. She's supposed to be making this unbaked fruit cake. But whatever lynchian fucking love crafty and nightmare set designer they have has laid out each ingredient in its own ramikin. And so she's just standing in front of a table of seven dozen ramikin each filled with a different spice or sugar or it's like this person had never seen it's fucking insane. Also, what the fuck is unbaked fruit cake? What is she gonna do now? Just like hand them a bag of raisins and throw raw eggs at their face.

What? What does that even mean? And of course the bomb comes and says, hey, would you happen to be looking at a picture of baby Daniel Baldwin and his dead sister who is now guiding him through Kmart heaven? Oh, I was. That was exactly what I was doing in that moment as though to hint to you that perhaps she would be the dead sister character.

Oh, that's Daniel Baldwin's father. He worked too hard, too hard. They're in next day, right after this picture, died of the employment. Right. Right. Right, but she has to stop making on baked fruit cake so they can go Christmas shopping together. So they can go Christmas shopping at Papyrus. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, or someone's living room as we'll find out later. Okay. So then we cut back to that DJ from before he's given a news update. Now here's his news update in its entirety. Still no update on the case of the three local kidnappings. Like is that have they not heard the news?

Well, it's still no update on the case of the three local kidnappings. The children have been missing for seven months. Okay. Here's grandma got run over by a random. Seven bells. Okay. So then I guess Mr. Schnell, the other guy's signature he needed. He was out to lunch.

So Daniel and Baldwin and Linda have gone to lunch as well. Mom from that first scene where like the kid went into the toy store is the waitress here, which is the first indication that we get that that's related to this movie and not just like the film that was already on this tape when they started recording. But she's a little blue. She takes their order of two BLT's. Yeah. And she writes it down. She does. Yeah. She writes down BLT, BLT coffee water, with like crazy amounts of pen strokes. It's ridiculous. Well, she spelled out big and let us in tomatoes. So, okay. Yeah. And he's like, wow, that waitress sure is sad and dour and not in the Christmas spirit at all. And then Linda, the old lady goes, yeah, no, her son got kidnapped. What?

Seven months ago. That, first of all, that kid is fucking dead. Yeah. I'm 100%. If your kid went missing seven months ago and your last name isn't smart, your kid is dead. That's fucked to death and burned to ashes. Thank you. Two votes. Also, by the way, they're talking about this because the movies telling us that they

heard that radio broadcast just now. Yeah. Yeah. Which was apparently playing in this diner. So there's a guy running the music at this diner just fucking with the mom. He was a kid. Still no news.

No news now, but you thought there would be by now. He's found his body and giving you some closure, but no Just playing Mel Gibson over and over. Give me back my son. Okay All right, so now mom and granny are shopping for vases for Daniel Baldwin's office now they are not in a store They have very clearly filmed this in someone's living room. And the guy who they were filming to it was like, no, pretend you're buying this vase over here. I give a vase. 1,000%. The only reason this scene is in the movie is because this woman promised her personal trainer. She was fucking apart in the movie. I guess. Yeah. I think homemade porn would have been ashamed

of this set design. And so this is also where we meet the cashier who I'm not going to say anything at all about his physical appearance because he's so very clearly auditioning for a Gamros. He's try harding. He's try hard. Yeah. Exactly. So so as he's catching around on the big face purchase wacky at Santa comes into the store. He steps out of Daniel Baldwin's dream and into this store. Right. To say to mom, he's like, hi, and she's like, hi, do I know you? And he's like, I'm Santa. All right, goodbye. Yep. I'll be the movie more later. Kind of makes sense. At this point, I was like, all right. So Santa is a kidnapper. And grandma used to fuck the kidnapper. That's the only way we got was happening right now.

That's tying up connecting dots. Time up really close to actually what happened though. Yeah, mom did use to Fox Anna. And he's kidnapped Daniel Baldwin. I feel like that. That might have been what happened with the lady from the beginning and the kid going to Toy Story. They were like, Oh, we shot that. I guess it, I mean, it seems like for no reason now, we have to tie up that loose end. So this entire plot was to have that loose end. I don't know. All right. So meanwhile, Daniel Baldwin was quite impressed with his BLT. So he tips the

waitress $100. I'm just saying she didn't make the BLT, dude. Why don't you give the cook a little love? One of the greatest moments in all of the movies we've ever watched is the actress who plays the waitress starts walking into the scene too quickly as he's saying delicious BLT and watching her slow walk to make her line is awesome she does a little figure H. Hey can I get you guys anything else? I like to walk four quick steps and nine slow ones. Here's a hundred dollars., your kid is dead. Yeah. Get yourself a nice

other child. Sorry. Go fund me for ransom. Got you started there. What ransom is it? All right. So they leave the restaurant. Wackie had Santa is in the restaurant too. it. All right. So they leave the restaurant wacky had Santa is in the restaurant to and then because of the tedium of this goddamn movie, we continue with Linda and Daniel walking from the restaurant back to the office. And then talking about the BLT no less, it's not like something important happens here. The full menu. They talk through almost the full menu of that local tiner. She's like, oh, the chili is good. Um, she's good. She's good.

Okay. She's steak is good. Yeah. And he says, well, if they're cheese steak is good like their BLT, this is my new favorite restaurant. Really? Like if they're ability to put bacon next to lettuce next to make it all next to bread, is any clue?

That's good. Buck. What? Yeah. So after they run down, even the dessert menu, they mentioned desserts. They're back at the office and Linda's like, actually, I'm not in the movie until act three until the wrap up from this point. So I'm going to leave.

But first, I'm going to leave. But first, I'm going to tell you, I love you. And I always have. And he goes for the, I love spending time with you too, but she saves him the trouble. She's like, no, no, try to say a little bit, it makes sense. Hey, Daniel Baldwin's just like, cool. I'm going to go. This is the part of the movie I've decided is weird. All right. So he goes back in the office, but then we cut back to kidnap kid's mom. Wackie Hat Santa is going to have a heart to heart with her. Santa's getting some of that grief pussy.

Look, nobody fucks like a grieving mother. I've said it a million times on the show. Santa gets it. It almost never makes it to the end cut. Well, trust me, I've said a lot of times. It's important. And yeah, nobody knows about kidnapping like Santa Claus, I guess. So yeah, I have to talk to her. And he says, he says, getting your kid back is all about faith. And maybe Santa Claus isn't the best character to deliver the line about faith. I'm pretty sure everybody on this movie in real life believes in Santa Claus. That's entirely possible. Yeah. Members of this cast believe they are Santa Claus. All right. So now Daniel

finally makes it to Mr. Schnell's office and wouldn't you know it? Mr. Schnell is somebody he knew in high school too. It's the best. He is Steve Bannon's me character. You want a picture? Oh, I have Steve Bannon's body double. Yeah. Yeah. No. But now these guys weren't friends in school. They were enemies. Daniel Baldwin tried to steal Gordon Schnell's girlfriend back in the day.

No, you tried to steal my girlfriend. And Mr. Schnell, he's not the only character who does this, but he's definitely one of them. He talks all weird old time for no reason. Yeah. So so Dana Bono walks in and Mr. Schnell is like, well, I'll be. So already, who talks like that? That's just fucking weird. And then he's like, if it isn't the guy who stole my best girl

before the sock hop. What's going on, Lindy? All your F's are S's. I don't know what kind of thing you're talking about. And then they have the yeah. Oh, yeah, moment, right? Yeah, which he is. But added to the notes here, it takes about six lines. It's genuinely amazing because he goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, It's like they're both working off a teleprompter. This is frozen. So they're just, get someone's waving behind it. He's making the like cut noise and they're making the cut gesture. Neither of them are getting it. Yeah. This is going great. I took, actually, I took a class about the Meister technique.

I got kicked out in first 10 minutes, but I'm pretty sure we're nailing this. This is going well. Yeah. Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Nope. Yeah. And when they finally wrap up the yes, there's like this long series of like Daniel Baldwin talking about how awesome he was in high school.

Right. Like he's like, no, but I had a high GPA. Daniel Baldwin did and my character. And my character. You were one of those popular athletes who's also smart and had a huge penis like underrated actor Daniel Baldwin in real life. Indeed. I guess we would have called you the high school wild card. That probably would have been the best way to do it.

It's for your intelligence, grace and charm. So yeah, but they're arguing about the girl that they both wanted to date in high school. And finally, Daniel Ball was like, yeah, she was kind of a bitch anyway, which is when, like a nail file, kind of sandy, but like not in a good way. I know like when I said sandy, you smiled, but like not the good, like bad sandy. I married her. Okay. Oh, feel like you should interrupt it.

Especially. Yeah, I could have got to be earlier when I just said her vagina is. Yeah, but too, Mr. Schnell is going to tell Daniel's boss on him now. He's going to chill on it. What? Yeah, he says, all sign your thing, but I'm going to tell your boss. You said my wife had a sandy vagina, but not in a good way. We are adult businessmen. I'm telling. All right. So he leaves the Schnell's office and his cell phone rings angry bosses angry.

Do you have those signatures? Yes. I mean, no, because then the movie your character wouldn't yell. Oh, all right. Get him. That's so fucking weird. Yeah. He now has the signatures and the boss calls and says, do you have the signatures? character wouldn't yell. Oh, all right. Um, get him. That's so fucking weird. Yeah. He

now has the signatures and the boss calls and says, do you have the signatures? He's like, nope, not yet. And you think maybe the movie is setting something up, but it's not. It's just trying to confuse you. It's trying to add one more in terror bang to Heath's notes. And now it's time for old timey little kid. Oh, oh. All right. It took me so long to figure out that this kid was going for old timey New York accent. Yeah. So what they did is they found an elementary school production of Greece and they kidnapped the kid playing Tony and this character is the result.

Oh, it was, it was so bad. Like even for a little kid, it was so bad. Yeah, so this little kid in the leather jacket walks up out of nowhere and says, Hey, Mr. you look like you could use a Corb one, right? Right. And Daniel Baldwin's like, are you selling me alcohol, child? And he's like, nah, me? I'm in a soda.

And in what might be the most horrifying moment of the movie, Daniel Baldwin goes, oh, I would love a soda. And then we would watch Daniel Baldwin pine for a sugar and beverage for 80 years, 800 lifetimes. By the way, for those of you wondering when Anna left the movie, it was at this point that she paused that turned to me, said,

what language was this movie originally in and left? It's in the language of 1915. Yeah. Also, okay, so the kid comes up to him and he's like, hey, you look like you could use a soda And he's like, yeah, I could use a soda. He's like, yeah, they have them down the street at the store like what is his function? Like he's the the owner sends him out. He says look for people with head wounds and drum up some business All of our notes are just what is happening? What? What? What the fuck is happening? Yeah, I have an all caps. What is happening? He throws two all caps. What's the

second with an intera bang? And you have an all caps. What the fuck is happening all on the same scene? And Daniel Baldwin has a what the fuck is happening in his line, he's just like, okay, what? You're a paper boy. Where are your papers? And he's like, already sold them all. The day of moments like, okay, that actually checks out. Good. That's so to talk now. Where's that sort of? So to talk. All right. So then we have to cut back to mom and granny. They come by wacky hat Santa on the street. Again, this is two consecutive scenes of they come by wacky hat Santa on the street. Again, this

is two consecutive scenes of them running into wacky hat Santa. And mom, granny, I guess gets distracted by Santa's abs. Who knows. She's just staring at him like she's fucking sun setting. She's like, mom, are you okay? And then Santa turns around and he's like, it's good to give it Christmas. It makes all your Christmas dreams come true. And then the scene is over. And I was like, what horror movie is this from? Who gave me what to smoke?

All right, well, at this point, the notes are starting to be just one really long and terror bang. So we're going to pause to talk about sane stuff among ourselves for a minute. But first, let me give act three the hard sell here. Is Daniel Baldwin just fucking with us at this point? Was this screenwriter only allowed to select words that he had the refrigerator magnet for? Why the fuck is this movie? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the somehow even less Comprehensible conclusion of a little Christmas business

As one watches a little Christmas business questions occur like how desperate was Daniel Baldwin for money? How many microphones could they afford and why did that number change? But for interstitial purposes, one question stands out most of all. What would happen if we here at God-Offal movies met our ghosts of Christmas past? Sorry, are you Noah? Noah Luzians? Ah, yeah. It's me, Dave from high school. Oh Dave, amen fuck you Sorry, what I mean I'm gonna be honest. I don't remember you put fuck you. I'm sure if you're from high school fuck you Dave

You haven't changed that's fun You lie you lie Bosnick from high school Yeah, I will kill you. You son of a bitch. Okay. Ah, that is three in a row. Rough. Three in a row. Keith?

Keith fucking in, right? Uh, hello. It's me. Yeah. Mark Miller? Come on. Remember? I got kicked out of school.

Kicked out of school. I mean, I'm gonna need you to be a little more specific than that. We went to high school. I got kicked out of school for smoking apple seeds in class. Then I came back in the high school that we both attended. And I beat up my girlfriend in the hall for being pregnant. Still, just lots of people. The beehaw. I beat up my girlfriend, my pregnant girlfriend in the be for being pregnant. Ah, still, just lots of people.

The beehaw, I beat up my girlfriend, my pregnant girlfriend in the beehaw. Right, that's still like nine guys. I constantly wore a monster energy hat. Same nine guys. Then I got sucked into an MLM. I got super buff for a little while, but then I got like crazy fat.

I found Jesus. I post a lot of racist minion memes on Facebook. Still a bunch of people. It's not helping. I'm left handed. Mark dude. Lefty Mark. How are you? Bad. Yeah, I was gonna say. I mean, it must be, must be pretty bad. Rough. Do you want to buy a lot of thread? I do not. We're heading in. And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroes, the Cheshire cat was going, I don't fucking know, man, and Daniel Baldwin was heading to the quarter pub for a soda.

was heading to the quarter pub for a soda. From a fun old-timey character that we're about to meet, what the part did her look like the opening act for Dr. Wusley's miracle elixir? He looks like a ventriloquist dummy that went through a bad divorce. He is almost the weirdest looking person we've ever seen in a movie. Oh, if, if not for Estes Perkel, this guy would absolutely take the cake. Yep. And he's like, all right, what can I get for you, Bub? And Bub, like, when is the, I don't understand, like, what do you have one point twenty one jiggle watts by the chest where we are apparently what the who says that he orders a diet soda

and the bartender doesn't go fuck you. The orders one finger of neat diet. Yeah, in a rocks glass. And that's what he gets. Yep. Yeah. This is normal. Here you go.

They thought that was funny, probably. Yeah. Okay. So the bartender has some great advice for him. He says, Hey, you should quit your job right before Christmas. Yeah. He says, fire your boss. And he's like, what?

Is that fire? It's the name of my course? I'm giving down at the heart of the end. They let me use, it's not like a conference room, but they push the bed, well, they don't push the bed against the wall. I push the bed with a painter's truck. And then I, I have a little projector, my daughter got me for Christmas, for my slides.

My first karaoke machine, but I mean it works. It's just a microphone. It's just a small set. There's a free lunch in the middle of it. I bought a subway party, something. I'm telling you, everything works out. Just look at me. Yes, yes, what do you actually sell it?

I lost my job as Luigi when I started doing a female and now I'm a soda jerk at the top of my field. It's all great. Look at me. Yeah. Look at me. I just wrote my notes. No.

Yeah, but he's like, he's like, I don't think I can quit my job because you know, I have bills and shit. And the guy's like, let me ask you a question. Are you going to church tomorrow? And then I'm going to be a guy who's going to be a guy who's going to be a guy who's Yeah, but he's like, he's like, I don't think I can quit my job because you know, I have bills and shit. And the guy's like, let me ask you a question. Are you going to church tomorrow? And then Daniel Baldwin starts bawling like a child.

It's the best. I just wrote me too, Danny B. Me. All right. So he gets his soda. Then he leaves without paying and weird accent soda kid catches up with him outside the pub. At this point, he gives up and just sits in the nearest chair, right? Like we he was like, I am not going through that shit with coach again. I'm sitting

down for this scene. Fuck this. All right. And the kid with weird accent now is selling papers even though earlier he was out of them this movie I yeah, okay, first of all do they think that paper out means you walk around trying to hack newspapers on the Newsies yeah, like he said there are x tree Yeah, what hey dude Yeah, yeah, what? Hey, dude. All right. So yeah, but he does buy a paper from any official reminisces about how he, when he was a kid, also had a newspaper route with a kid that looked oddly similar to this little kid.

I wonder whatever happened. No, I don't wonder. I do not wonder that until the third act. Shit. When he bought the paper, I was really disappointed. We didn't get to see it because I really wanted to see the people who made this movie attempt to paper. Paper. News question mark every day. The dandy a candy. The picture on the front pages of a newspaper. Nurse paper.

Proof of life tribune stupid. All right. So now granny and mom are decorating a tree and granny says, hey, I made up this really cool picture on the computer of Daniel Baldwin and his dead sister that he never met that will probably act as his guide. Should he ever wind up in a dream heaven sequence? What the fuck was that? All right, I learned to use Photoshop, so I made a dead child versus a live child. The end of a posting each other. Here's the dead child taking a wacky selfie at Auschwitz

that's dead child planking. What the fuck? Do you think you'll like this? Or do you think you'll love it? I'm saying, should I save it for his birthday or is it okay for Christmas? Let me see the Auschwitz thing one more time. Yeah, the whole point of this scene is for her to turn to Daniel Baldwin's wife and say, my dead daughter is dead, end of scene. And now, okay, so Daniel Baldwin has to go to a flower shop to buy some flowers for his wife. But dammit, if the florist isn't also an

old dead friend of his. Oh, and this where he freezes. Oh, my, like he's hiding from a tyrannosaurus. So in the stage directions here is Daniel freezes. But Daniel Baldwin literally like, green light, red light. Yeah. Yeah. That was the mouth. You can see it's nose moving because it inches or something. And you see the other actress being like, no, Daniel, that's not what I left so hard. I had to pause the movie and watch this several times. This whole movie is a delight. Don't watch it when you're on drugs because it gives you the experience for free. But this scene is worth the entire

film. He plays a game of Twister as he slowly works his way towards her. Yeah. So this is his old girlfriend, Jean and he's like, hey, super sorry that your husband and child are dead or something. I meant to reach out, but you know, is this a good time? I photoshopped them into Mount Ruffler. Yeah, but he needs to buy some flowers to apologize to his wife. Yeah, but he needs to buy some flowers to apologize to his wife. It's so odd. He was, she's like, no, don't worry about it. My husband and child died. What did you need?

And he's like, I'm looking for something for my family. Oh, too soon. You know, just, just buying some flowers. He also says, you look amazing and she goes, you're a liar. Yeah. And he is. You are a liar. She looks like a wrestling themed prostitute.

I think that's a bad example and I think she's a good, strong disagree with everything. He lies just said, but it is awkward that moment for her. She's like, you look amazing and she's like, you are also here. You look like Alec Baldwin. You look like a little like Alec Baldwin, but also grimace from McDonald's, but a little injured like grimace had a bad day. Grimace fell. I also love that this is the point where the makers of the newspaper Tribune had to come up with an address for him to have his flowers delivered to people in the movie were like, okay, we're going to need an address now. Somebody name an address five, five,

okay. What? You mean more maple street, five maple street, five maple street. They might as well have a character named five maple street. Who walks in right now at this point in the movie. Hello, I'm five maple street looking to pick up my Alec Baldwin flower. Could you send me to Dandy Don Terris, ladies? All right. So meanwhile, back at the 80s movie bookie office that this whole movie takes place in Billy and Gordon and the nurse and the coach are all getting together.

Like this was some oceans 11 type con on Daniel Baldwin. It's the best. It is, it is the imagined plan. Again, this movie just keeps getting better and crazier. It's like, Hey, what if it's the Christmas ghost, but it's just all the imagined plan again this movie just keeps getting better and crazier it's like hey what if it's the Christmas ghost but it's just all the people you don't know anymore from high school what if all of those ghosts had a planning meeting but it had already taken place cuz fucking it's a kid walks and he's like hey what's going on my boots and they're just like

shut the fuck up man fuck off the fuck up, man. Fuck off. You know what, he papers. Get the fuck out. Quentin time. Who needs a soda pop? He's once an ice cold tab on the line down at the corner, pub. All right. So back at the floral shop, it occurs to Daniel Baldwin that Gina, the florist that

he just ran into into is actually dead. Right? So he has this weird moment where he walks into the back. He's like, I'm sorry, Gina. Are you sure you're not dead? This is so awkward. I am so awkward. You know how it's like when you, you're trying to remember that name of the movie with Ed

Harris where he pounds on the leaves chest and you know the scene really well and you can't remember it. That's how I feel about you being alive. It's like, what is that movie? And aren't you dead? It's a bad record for memories like, damn it. It's something inner. It'll come to me. But okay, but he goes to the back and he starts talking to Gina

who he's not looking at, right? He's just talking to her and she's off camera behind something or whatever. And when she stands up, it's not Gina at all. It's some other person going, no, no, Gina died many, many years ago. It's someone's made to agree to be in the movie. Yeah. Right. Right. We start ball. And she is dead. We're 30 years. But but I have her sweater right here. Yeah.

All right. But okay. And then he just acts out my brain in this moment. Oh, he acts out nothing. Daniel Baldwin's just like, none of this makes any sense. The movie doesn't make any sense. But Steven gets more roles than me. Steven. He's a bag of skin with hair gel holding him together. My life just not makes sense. There's a full, full on flip out. It's best. Yeah. He starts wandering off yelling, this makes no sense, this makes no sense, which is

absolutely accurate. And also as he's doing this, he's wandering through downtown and like earlier in the movie is haunting him. It's again, like this movie is the insane version of all the tropes. So earlier in the movie is haunting him, but it's also like clips from this podcaster playing and then like my eulogy and then my first words is a bay. It's fucking nuts. And then the ball would almost let's a truck hit him that's clearly supposed to like slow

down and stop and he's just like, I'm gonna let it happen. I'm not gonna drive that way. Oh, that's what he loved. Man in the movie. He runs into the truck and stop. I gave you two, five, man, you promised you'd hit the, you hit the dance. I want my five's back. I want my five's back. All right, so he runs back to the wood paneled office and he demands that the DJ tell him

what the fuck this movie is about. But the DJ is like, man, I never sent you to a nurse. That must have been some kind of dream sequence. And he's like, impossible. Then this would still be that dream sequence. What the fuck is going on in this movie? Oh, and Daniel Baldwin tries to do the slide down the wall thing that people go through. But he just falls hard and very clearly hurts his tailbone.

It's the best. He's got like 10 genuine injuries from trying to do, quote, stunts in this movie. Those are all real. Yeah, and he numb to this too. They have that sea where he goes down the hallway and he's like trying to open the doors where the people he met with earlier were and nobody's there except the hallways too long and there are too many doors and he uses every single way. It's like there's like 14 doors that he checks in his scene. Oh, I thought this was like a prank by the director, just like, okay, man.

He really had to bring in the Pentagon. Good luck. You're going to need to open all the doors there. Put them in a round building. Yeah. The door you're looking for is in the corner. Yeah. Yeah. I'm almost there. So yeah, so he collapses against the wall. And now Wagi hat Santa shows up. And he's like, I'm going to finally make sense out of me as a character now. You've earned it. And this, this hat thing, the movie was convinced this was going to pay off fucking huge this hat thing. Oh, did it? No, invested way more money and Santa hats than they did in microphones. So they were really, they were really counting.

Was non like, like, I thought it was going to be like a spinning Santa hat at the end, like, inception, but like nothing happened with it. No, uh, no. So Santa shows up and he's like, Hey, don't worry. We're in act three now. I'm allowed to explain what's going on in the movie. So he's like, follow me, though. We're trying to get to this hour and seven minute runtime of ours. So you have to walk with me down this hallway very slowly. So and also, by the way, Santa's carrying an umbrella. They have to mention this. He's like, Hey, why are you carrying an umbrella? He's like, it'll make sense later. And he's like, well, it's like not really. No, we could have just used my hand for that. All right. So Santa takes him ultimately

after a very long walk and talk to a graveyard where if Santa murders him, this makes sense. Oh, and it's, it's a talking graves. It's a picture in picture, graves. It brought to you by portal, except as rendered by the guy who does the commercials for your local furniture store. Now, here's the funniest thing about this. This is literally just, it's a shot of a headstone and they've dropped in a picture of other people talking in front of a green screen, except it's not a green screen. It's a CUMDON green sheet.

It's a sheet that they didn't iron. No one's can come, states and shit all over it. It's a fucking gross. It is so distracting. There's nothing that could have been said or done during this scene that I wouldn't have been like somebody grabs it at one point. I'm doing laundry. I know you're shooting, but this has to go in as gross. I forgot to do it last week and the week before. Yeah. And by the way, okay. So they're what they're doing. They're trying to shoot for like he's looking at the graves don't. But he's actually seeing these pictures. But the gravestone is shot at an angle. And they just used a flat square for the pictures. So they don't line up, right? The picture doesn't line up with the graves stone and every time they show it, it doesn't

line up in a slightly different way. Yeah. The best. I love Daniel Bowen's reaction too. Santa Claus is now walking him into a graveyard and Santa's like, uh, go look at that TV inside that gravestone right there. And Daniel was like, okay, that's just really. Yes. I have questions later, but I'm going to go do this right now. That's fine. I think it's sad. It tends to do. So, okay, but yeah, but on this screen, on this gravestone, we have all the various characters that he met in the movie, all the Christmas ghosts showing up to say, no, we were Christmas ghosts the whole time. And him going like,

no, everyone, everyone got that. Is that the reveal? Right, but they don't have anything else to say. They're just like, hey, Donnie, I was a Christmas ghost. I got raped to death by a bear. It's actually a fun little story. If you give me a minute and then someone shoves him out of the frame. No, no, I'm doing micro things. Hi, Donnie heart attack. Say hi to the family for me, please. Also, if you need a Toyota, give me a ring, right? This was the first time by the way that we want to buy a bench. Yeah.

So newspaper kid shows up at this point too. And this was the first time that I actually pegged that what he was going for was old time in New York voice. That's the first time I found out that he wasn't just trying to vaguely make fun of all the ethnicities that he knew. But yeah, but then wacky hat, Santa steps around behind the gravestone and now he's on the gravestone camera too, right? Because it turns out that wacky hat Santa was Daniel Baldwin's dad this whole time.

What? Feel like I'd recognize my dad even in a beard. I'm just saying sure would also ghost dad dressed up as Santa so he could say hi to Alzheimer's mom as a prank. But yeah, right, right. It doesn't make because he's like, he's like, sorry for being so deceptive, but I was trying to like make this whole thing go. I was trying to like, you know, organize this from the set, but it's like, but you never did anything. You never encouraged him to go away or anything.

You just kept showing up at the end of the scene. Anyway, yeah. So, okay. So the screen on the graystone turns off and the headstone reads once it's turned off. It says, Donald Collier, I should have spent more time at the office, right? Like, because nobody would put that on their graves. But they didn't have carving words into stone type budget for this. So it's just a picture of a blank headstone where they have Microsoft painted in those words.

Oh, it's the best. I, the only thing that would have been better is if Daniel Baldwin had have Microsoft painted in those words. It's the best. The only thing that would have been better is if Daniel Baldwin had like traced his fingers along it and the words that appeared on his hand, they'd been like, Daniel, come on, man. So I thought I could touch for the acting. And then again, he passes out face first into the dirt.

So hard. So like he was trying to commit suicide from three inches, right? All right. Now you would think that the movie was over now. You'd think it would just be a quick wrap up, but no, he wakes up on the carpet. It was all a dream. But then we rewind time and we discover that it's not that he had a stroke. It's not that he passed out. It's not that that guy shot him with some kind of injection. The guy he bumped into on the way to the office walked back in behind him and hit him in the head with a crowbar, a crowbar that he had up his sleeve all the way up his sleeve. So this guy, this guy walked

into the building with a crowbar up his sleeve so that he could then walk back out past Daniel Baldwin and be behind him and then run back in and hit him with the crowbar. And yes, that was the plan. That's the robb Reiner's plan. Yeah. And okay, by the way, like they just for the kids at home, hitting someone in the back of the head with a crowbar kills them. It sure does. It doesn't trigger Christmas dreams or create a small cut on their forehead. No, but he wakes up at length after being knocked out by the crowbar and here's his kid yelling for help outside. It's time for him to go outside and box Rob Reiner, the kidnapper guy

with the crowbar. You ever see two kids getting a fight about whose dad would beat up the other ones dad and then a monkey paw curls and everyone finds out that you don't want to watch two 40 year old men fight each other. That's the scene. So every day at the Little League field where I grew up, every day. It's so bad. Yeah. So Daniel Baldwin is now beating up an old man like an old

overweight Rob Reiner type guy who's like 70 years old. Like he might as well be doing a monologue from NYPD blue at the same time. That's right. All's available for cop shows. My brother's very talented. He might come. He won't come, but I might. They could run or cast me now. Cast me now. I'm gonna kill you. So yeah, so he beats up the kidnapper. Um, and but the kidnapper get he so he runs to get his son out of the kidnapper son conscious, but the kidnapper wakes up and the kidnapper has a gun. But just before he can shoot him, wacky hat Santa, the ghost knocks him out with an umbrella, which won't kill you. So there's fun. This is not the ending I was expecting. I'm gonna be honest with you. I thought I knew where this movie was going. I said the

same thing. I did not expect this movie to end in a fight scene. You keep in all the boxing cues that they gave us, but yeah, this movie is a lot of things predictable. Not one of them. Not so much. All right. So the cops come, they get the kid napper. The EMTs show up to fix the kid who nothing happened to. He wasn't a fight. It's the best watching the EMTs just like padding various areas on the kid is with cause. Also, they have the newscaster lady in this scene. And this lady looks like she was sentenced to do this by a judge, right? Like she says, Hey, my sense is eight words, mother fuckers. I'm not doing nine. Here I am at the place at a time. I am a news person who is there.

Is there over there? And I'm over here. Cut. This man got attacked by another man. And goodbye from me on this news today. Good bye. Everybody was white just for the record. I'm black woman. And remember this? They were all white But yeah, but now all the kidnap kids are just fine Very raped, but they're just fine. The DJ. I love the DJ announces this now He's like all those kids are fine. They got raped a lot, but hey all as well that ends well that which does not kill you, right? I'm not gonna say what he's been doing to them for seven months or weeks. But don't worry about his mommy size.

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Yeah, right. JD the DJ. All right. So Daniel and his son drive off and his boss calls him again and the boss is like, I told you to be back here within the hour. And Daniel ball was like, no, that happened in the dream sequence part. Oh, right.

But I quit by the way, people never quit. Get fired. Be smart. Okay. Yeah. Blazing glory. Do let go. Costanza.

Have some fun with it. Yeah. Well, at the very least have a fucking backup job already. Jesus Christ, the moral of this story is if you don't like your job, fuck your boss quit right before Christmas with no other plans on how you're going to pay your fucking mortgage. Hey boss, you're fired. Hello, Alec. I need to boss some more money, baby brother. Man, I need to buy on your couch for four years.

I spend a lot of money on this movie. $25. Yeah. Danny's hurting bad. No, I don't have PayPal. I need you to western union me like a drug dealer in Nigerian scam. Fuck you. Hello, Steven. I need some help.

Gold you. drug dealer and Nigerian scam. Hello, Steven. I need some help. I told you, told you before I called the Alec to see if you're wondering, Billy, Billy is the other one. I remember you know, David A.R. White. I know you know, David A.R. White. I wake up to him. So now wacky hat Santa is delivering flowers to his wife because, okay, so when he orders flowers in his dream, they get delivered in real life, it's a weird superpower,

but it's the one he's got, right? So Santa, wacky hat Santa shows up, delivers her some flowers and while she's reading the card, he leaves like bat Santa, right? Just disappears when she looks back up. Bat Santa! And now suddenly we're at a chorus where everyone's singing Christmas carols. We're at a chorus made entirely of incest themed porn stars. So this is like five years into me having crazy billionaire money and Riley Reid is just like, the hair I'm just sitting there on a rascal 600 pounds heavier. Throw it in poisoned marshmallows at Tucker Carlson in a cage. You hacked into my computer.

Like you're hacked into my. To be your heart. So you're hacked into my computer. So they're saying, they're singing all of these Christmas girls. The dead people are there too, right? Like a fucking Daniel Baldwin can still see him. He's got six cents now. Also, he points them out to his mother. Right?

He's like, Hey, Ma, see all those Christmas ghosts? And she's like, I do see the Christmas ghosts. What? He throws a newspaper into a Christmas Right you want to know what like what's happening in the real world there like my last notes are just what Seriously what and then in a larger font no, I'm serious what All right, so time to wrap it all up. I feel like Christian movies are in need of some help here. They've been using gainful employment as the nemesis for quite a while. They need something new. Any ideas what they could replace it with as the villain in a little Christmas

business part two? Uh, Ketulu, who obviously came and visited everyone in this movie before a little Christmas business part one. Uh, uh, traffic jams and Heather higher. Oh, Jesus. Nellie. All right. Well, that's going to do a far review of a little Christmas business, but that's not

going to do it for the episode yet because we still need to make tomorrow's donut. So Eli tell us what's on deck. Joseph and Mary, little K. Sorbs and ancient Israel. Oh, I hope he doesn't accent. Oh, it's a Sorbogun. Yeah. Oh, I hope he doesn't accent.

All right, so with that, we'll look forward to we're gonna bring Episode 173 to one merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation of patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby your own early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton

by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating a diastitation needed in the skeptic right available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com legal services for this podcast or provide a better law of this as a P N Routaurus Tim Robertson takes care of our social media our theme song was written and performed by our eyes slot and available drafts on Mars although the music was written and

performed by our audience and your working Clark and was used with permission thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen right Neely Live Bosnian I'm no illusions promise to work harder or another chunk next week until then we'll leave you with a breakfast club close in early December 2018 Facebook page, RIP Daniel Baldwin, got almost a million likes, despite being a host. Linda went on to think she was being witty when I really just needed to cash out and leave with things to fucking do.

The kid Daniel Baldwin rescued went on to kill Sean Penn's daughter Look at that clip from Mr. Griver. Yeah, yeah We're gonna eat a pig's head together Morgan. I don't think we're gonna do that. Oh, I bet Morgan. No, is no, is not gonna eat a pig set, but we're not gonna see BD provisions. Well, Eli's not gonna eat a pig set either. I'm gonna sit there. Bring it in a round call for it. It's great. I would like to buy a bench. Do you have a bench? No, that's my bench. He loves that bench. He would never give up that bench, unlike his kids. I will give you this math.

Okay. So bench. I was distracted by talking about this bartender. How can you forget five? No, I said five. I said five that time. I know that time, but like I'm going back, I'm looping back to that for how do you get to four, but you forget? Because I was so focused on talking about this bartender. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah. No, he's pretty fucking weird. My entire being. All right.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.