God Awful Movies - 174: Joseph and Mary

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

This week we team up for an atheist review of "Joseph and Mary", the story of a set decorator racking up preferred customer points at a Bed Bath and Beyond and saying "Trust me, this is what ancient Israel looked like" until everyone believed them. --- Get tickets to our live show in Dallas here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

He's just like, oh, are they coming? Are they coming? I want to be looking at the full moon. That's how you're window. Yeah, when they get here They're already here. What can they hear me saying? Mother fuck. Alright, get out. You're the worst. Won't you servants pick up his throne and slowly turn it around? Oh, hello He's trying to he's trying to scoot it against the sun. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be good friend, Heath and right, Heath. Welcome back. Thanks Noah. Uh, so you know what's a great religion and a great store? What's that Judaism and pottery barn? 3000 years of beautiful tradition from pottery barns. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm amazing. No, it's nice to see this movie got its Christmas shopping done and it's set design done at the same time. Trying to be repetitive here. If you told me that like this started out as a commercial for the home shopping network and then just went out of control and ended up a whole movie. I'd be like, okay, okay.

Somebody got that mailer from Bed Bath and Beyond and they were like, I have financed a movie. He is with 40% off. If there is a hell, this is where Mark from the How To Heretic is going. He just watches this movie in a perfectly comfortable room for all time and is forced to point and scream at the various modernizations. All right, so tell us, Heath, what the fuck are we talking about? What will we break it down today? We watched Joseph and Mary. It's supposed to be the origin story of Jesus. But they clearly ran out of money while they were setting that up.

So all we got was the origin story of an origin story that we never saw. We just watched the prequel to an origin story. We watched Jesus episode zero. It was ridiculous. Yeah. It's based, you know how Marvel movies will release that weird, like free comic book that catches you up in between the different movies in their cinematic universes. It's that, but with the Bible. Yeah, exactly. There we go. And do you lie? How bad was this movie? Well, if you love the Christmas story, but you've been aching

for a twin side plot of Jewish vengeance and Kevin Sorbo's rapid aging, you will love this movie. It's the Benjamin button on Kevin Sorbo's career. Yeah. I'm going to say best worst background extras. What? As this purple? As this purple. Yeah, one of them very well might have been as this purple. We're not sure.

And especially the physical activity of the bad broad actress. Because apparently ancient Israelites did absolutely nothing, but move around fabric and baskets. That was everything that was happening in all of ancient Israel. If your character didn't have a name, you just moved around fabric and baskets. Also, little side note here, something I didn't know about ancient Israelites, one out of 10 of them, crazy fucking fat, crazy fucking. But I'm not saying there weren't fat Israelites.

I'm saying one out of 11 of them wasn't, wow, what the fuck did that guy, how much matza, how are you? Yeah. Well, what I love to is where they have to make those extras do a thing, right? That got how much MOTSA cut that MOTSA. Yeah. Well, what I love to is when they have to make those extras do a thing, right? Like there's one scene in particular where everybody's rabble, rabble, rabble, and all the extras have their fists in the air and everything, but just kind of for no reason. Like they, you know, like they don't just don't care more than anything else. It's so amazing. All right. So I was just going to go all out and say

best worst period piece. Right. I mean, like making a period piece creates its own unique set of challenges and costuming, casting, accent work, and set design. And I only mention that because if anyone from the production happens to listen to this episode, I want them to know that going forward. It doesn't matter how many shamwows you can get for $2. That's not a legitimate headpiece. Oh my gosh, so much I key in this movie. So much obvious still tag on Ikea. We'll get there.

We'll get there. All right. And I was going to go with best worst shoehorned biblical side characters. And we saw the star. All right. We saw a Keegan Michael key pigeon. And I'm still going to give this really best shoehorned in biblical side characters. You know what Joseph needs is a wacky sidekick. Jesus. Just Tracy Morgan himself. What are you doing? Jesus? That's my cousin.

We're about to inch that much closer to having watched Kevin Sorbos entire filmography. And for that, we're going to all need a stiff drink. So we're going to pause for a quick break. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the no seriously. This is not a dish tile from came art on my head. That is Joseph and Mary. Lord, it's savior, Miss lemon. from came on on my head, that is Joseph and Mary. Lord, it's savior, Miss Levin. What a pow.

Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick, well known investment expert. You sold your Apple stock in the year 2000 because, quote, you don't even eat apples. That's irrelevant in rupting. Anyways, I'm here to tell you don't even eat apples. That's what you're saying. A relevant interrupting. Anyways, I'm here to tell you not to get Robinhood. What's Robinhood? Well, if you listen to the truth, Robinhood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos all commission free.

Wait, really? That sounds great. I mean, sure, it sounds great, but how would Robin Hood even sell stocks? You'd have to like shoot them with an arrow or something. Nope, nope, not, not a guy. And sure, other brokerages charge you up to $10 for every trade and Robin Hood doesn't charge commission fees, but if you don't pay your commission fees, who's going to carry

your stocks to the bull market? Oh, also, no, just none of that. So let me see this thing. Oh, also, no, just none of that. So let me see this thing. Oh, wow, okay. Well, Robin Hood has easy to understand charts and market data. That's pretty nice. Okay, easy to understand for you, maybe.

What are all these squiggles? Those are scratches on your phone. Okay, understood. But look, look how easy my platform is. Look, all I have to do is log in. Okay, wait. But look, look how easy my platform is. Look, all I have to do is log in. Okay, wait, I got to remember my password. Heath loves ramen one. Nope, that is not it. Okay, well, with Robin Hood, you can place a trade in just four taps on your smartphone. I never got it, got it, it was Heath loves ramen for life with a wife.

Heath is many things with a wife. Great. So, um, unhackable. You're all sat. Well, Robinhood is giving listeners a free stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help you build your portfolio. Sign up at awful. Robinhood.com. That's awful. Robinhood.com. Yep. Awful. Like your choices. Sh. Jellicy. Maray. You bought four houses in 2007 and won this year. I invested in four houses in 2007. It would have been better to buy apples.

Yeah. Well, hindsight is apples. As many of you know, we're headed to Dallas, Texas on January 12th for a God awful movies live, but today we're pleased to announce that the movie will be tackling live on stages none other than Matt Powell's science falsely so called. So in order to get you a psyched up, we invited none other than Matt Powell himself to help us get in the spirit. Matt, thanks for joining us.

Hey Noah, thanks so much for having me. Oh God, what's that smell? Oh, you like it, it's my collogney. I think that's a cologne, but you know, there's more than one, it's not cologne. Moving on, so okay, so how do you feel about, oh God. Matt, what is that? Oh, that, That's my soundtrack.

It follows me wherever I go when I talk. It sounds like someone's trying to riff for time in a funeral. I have heard that. Yes, that is feedback. Would you make it stop? Sure, give me one second. Don't let me forget my boom box when I go, okay? Great, great.

So how does it feel to be the youngest subject of a God awful movie? Well, I am a undereducated young person who probably has tinges and mental illness here and there, and I'm being manipulated by adults into a new face for old lies. Wow, that's surprisingly self-aware, man. Yeah, I have brief moments of clarity.

Did you know there were dinosaurs in the Civil War? There we go. Well, Matt, I can't wait to see more on January 12th in Dallas, Texas. And I can't wait till I get assigned a girlfriend. Wait, what? Heath. Heath, what?

Yeah, they give you one. That's Mormonism. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Yeah, they give you one. That's Mormonism. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start this movie off with a shot of the open sky with words Kevin Sorbo, superimposed on it. No, no, no, no, he taking the blame for this shit. Kevin, not a single one. But do you buy the fact that it's on Amazon, I guess?

Oh, his name makes me so happy. Oh, I love, I start drooling like a Pavlovian response. So, fuck, I mean, I probably I was hungry at the time. Well, right. No, obviously, no, like the movie starts with oxygen and casorbs, the only two things I really need. And so the narrator cuts in and he is trying so hard to do that lead into an 80s Disney movie voice like where he's still opening the book or whatever and he just goes, it was the

year of our Lord. And I wanted so bad for him to say zero. Is there zero one? Is it the year of our Lord one? I don't, where do we? I don't think there's a zero first year of our Lord. And Gimli is in this. Well, he's not in it. He was the executive producer. Why Gimli? Here's my favorite part. They miss spell his name in the credits. That's John Rice Davies. They have John Rice Davis. They couldn't even get the name of the executive producer, right? And when he saw that, he was like, yeah, fuck it. I'm not that's fine. I'm like, yeah, that's how I very intentionally spelled it when they asked

it. Right. All right. So we get a quick shot of the narrator tells us, Herod is an evil king. You're going to kind of know that by the way, the actor overplays him anyway, not really necessary for me to tell you that, but, but yeah, he's bad. All right. So now we're going to cut to an evil tax collector in short shorts. And his job is to ride through

the town square yelling taxes. Yes. Not a good system. No, it is yelling out number like I owe six here. Here's six. It's got it. I'll remember your face. We'll have money. Perfect. Nothing need be exchanged. He's not giving out receipts.

He's literally just yelling taxes at people and being handed cloth bags. Ben Carson rides by bumper crops, bumper crops, anyone. Have a bumper crop. All right. Oh, this is our first indication of just how bad. Now, this movie had like a $2.7 million budget, according to IDM, MDB, someone pocketed $2.68 million, right?

Yeah. And that someone was the IKEA in paramountounts. New Jersey. In Ontario. The first, I mean, you know, we can already see the, the extras doing their basket moving in cloth folding, but we also see the two Roman soldiers behind the tax collector and their carrying shields. So new and so obviously like in a, if this was a school production, you'd be like, oh, look at that. They did like painted shields. They paid their own little shields. Or those guys happened to be carrying their brand new skateboards from Billabong.

Oh, if you told me those things were made from poster board, I would say, why didn't they cut them out into the shape of a she-hose? And right away, by the way, we also have to confront the entire, the complete lack of any effort to do accents or have brown people, right? It's like they've come to terms with their mediocrity and stop trying. Yeah. This movie is just a super intense high school play. Yeah. Super, will we say super intense or just intense regular intense normal. I'm not going to be intense. I'm so.

And also, and this is a problem that this script writer is going to have over and over again here. They, they're supposed to have. So we meet this Jew Aaron and he's bitching about the taxes, but they get bitching about taxes wrong. Right? They tried to make taxes sound evil here and it backfired in their own script. Yeah. They wrote this and this shopkeeper guy is kind of supposed to be the bad guy yelling

at Aaron and he's like, pay your taxes over there. Bitch, tits, I'm evil. Taxes pay for the public infrastructure project that's going to help our entire economy. Fuck. Okay. What's happening? Right now. Right now he says he's like, no, they're going to build a big port and that's actually going

to help spur the local economy. All I think it's going to be great for all of us. And it's just like, couldn't he have been making a giant pair of golden balls to hang on his back of his throne or something? I do, but no, they're actually going to make it infrastructure spending. It's supposed to come out when Obama was doing office or something. Oh, there you go. But, but the key here, though, is short short, shorts the tax collector shows up and he hears Aaron, the chubby guy, chubby, the fat guy, bad mouthing the king. Right.

And he decides he's going to make an example of him by cutting off his hands. Yeah, he's going to cut his hand off because he bad mouthed the king. Now this is where we meet Kevin Sorbo and Kevin Sorbo's skinny little sidekick buddy Elijah. They happen upon all of that stuff and Elijah says, oh, you know what, I'm going to need to interject my, everyone knows you, your father and Jesus are reading. I'm going to need to interject myself in this scene though. So people have some idea who I am. So he burst out, he says, hey, what if instead of cutting off that guy's hand, you made a slave of him. And the guy, and the fact guys going like, really dude,

like you're, you're bidding up from this. You're, cool. Great help. Yeah. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. But Chubs doesn't want his hand chopped off, and he doesn't want to be a homeless slave.

So he tries to run, but he's enormously fat. So he doesn't get very far. Oh, they stab him in the back. And this actor tries to do a fall down as though he's been stabbed and watching this gentleman lower himself to the ground. It's dirty. I've been stabbed. All this sand is going to be all in my face now.

Shit. These are very obviously new clothes. Some. Yeah. The most like dude, you jumped the gun on the stabbing man. Like what fatty fat wasn't really going anywhere. It was. Right.

Relax. We were trying to get taxes out of these people. You can't just kill them. Like we were going to do the hand thing and that was going to be our. We could have just walked behind him in a casual pace for 11 steps until he collapsed and then just took a hand. Spoiler alert, we will get a chase scene like that later. Yeah. No, we will. Yeah. All right. So, but as he lay there dying, his wife comes up, runs up to say, Oh, no, you're my husband at your dying. And the husband turns to Elijah, the guy who just suggested maybe he would be a good slave and says, Hey, someone's going

to have to fuck my wife after I die. Yeah. You're right here. He seems to have very odd. Hey, man, you look like every guy who's ever showed up an hour late to a job interview with a lie about his car breaking down. Will you marry my way? Yeah. No, he says, he's, he's, he's, he's dying wishes that this random stranger takes care of his wife and kids. And I love the idea of just being like, dude, no, that's what he fun crazy. I mean, I just like, I'm just dude walking by here. Your wife is, I don't like the phone.

You're dead. Okay. He said Kevin Sorbo needs to fuck his wife. I leaned in really close. You guys probably couldn't hear. He said Kevin Sorbo needs to fuck his wife. I leaned in really close. You guys probably couldn't hear. He said Kevin Sorbo. Not me. All right. And then we cut to what Eli has in the notes as a house so an agronistic it might as well have central air. They just were like, so if we go to Arizona, that's ancient Israel, right? We're at fucking Lego falling water out of nowhere. It's ridiculous.

I had a little satellite dish on the top. No, it's great. But this is Joseph and Mary's house, and we meet Mary and damn it if she's not doing the Mary pose up. Mary pose. It's like she's guest starring in a sitcom or whatever and has to get her tag line out. Yeah. Like when Mark would go visit the Fresh Prince about. Yeah.

All right. Yeah. So that she's doing Mary Pose. Joseph is outside carpenting. And he comes inside and they have this amazing little passive aggressive moment where she's like, oh, you know, our son's about to be born. And he's like, yeah, that angel who raped you was really cool. Super cool guy. I'm fine. By the way, really cool with this situation. No, I'm excited. I'm excited. The rape baby is going to be great.

It's going to be great. You can, uh, you're going to apologize later. I'm just psyched right now. But this is going to be awesome. Just making this thing. I am, I am every guy in a poly relationship ever. You see how wide my eyes are I see okay with this I am I am totally okay I'll be outside hitting something as hard as I can because that's an activity I chose So and I wrote my nose here. I'm like okay. We're start with Mary already pregnant and Joseph knowing that she fuck God That's probably for the best. Yeah, we don't need that scene. I also love that they chose a 50 year old man and a 35 year old woman to represent this 17 year old and 14 year old or whatever the hell they were supposed to be in the story. You know, Kevin lobbied for a 14 year old Mary and they were like, Kevin,

come on man. Talked about this awkward enough and we say it. We don't have to see it. All right. So just then Elijah, the buddy, Raubeye from earlier show shop to give him sort of an update on the dead fat guy's wife. It's the best. He's like, so how's the lady whose husband died this afternoon? And Elijah's like, not great, man.

Her husband died this afternoon. She's awesome. Actually starting a whole new business. What do you forget? No, not great, man. Her husband died this afternoon. She's awesome. Actually starting a whole new business. What do you think? Yeah. No, she's not good. And I love the stupid fucking dialogue here that they have where like Elijah's like, oh, but Herod is evil.

That's the subject, by the way. If we ever cut to two characters who are not talking about what is, you know, immediately integral to the plot, they're going to be talking about how evil hair it is right here in referred to as the subject. So just moving your fabric left to right or yeah, herid totally for the Mario or more of a same. What about that basket move that basket again? That's that's ridiculous where you put it. Just most recently, but Kevin Sorbo's actual line here when Elijah talks about how bad hair it is is to say,

but hate only fuels civil unrest. But yeah, now you're talking like a first century woodworker. The civil unrest is the big problem. But Mary shows up and she's got a gift for the dead guy's wife. I'm telling you this, so modern thing. She's like, here, it might honestly, it might as well just be like covered in tinfoil. It's a crock pot. She's like, yeah, take this crock pot that I have. It's at a low for about 20 minutes.

From a freezing art. Right. Or do you want a Tupperware? We want to do a Tupperware. Tupperware is old. And then it'll keep longer. Maybe. Great. Or do you want a Tupperware? Do you want me to switch to a Tupperware? Tupperware's old, right? And then it'll keep longer, maybe. So yeah, so they give him that and then Elijah goes back to Rebecca's dad's house, or I guess they're all staying with it. His house, I don't know. They go back to the house where all of them are.

He's bringing a goat and with the set design of this movie so far, I expected like the goat to have a Tesla brand on the side. Well, somehow the goat seemed to be making bulldozer tracks. Oh my God. Yeah, sure how the goat did that. Yes. Cool. This, this little quarry where 60% of this movie is going to take place.

It's all going to be in this exact same turn in the road or whatever. Everything will end up happening right there. And there are bulldozer tracks very obviously in the foreground of it every time we see it. Just fake rocks like that say fake moon rocks, 1960. I'm not. I'm family Kubrick's got a big he's loading him into it. Oh, come on guys. And by the way, this goat, like all the animals in this film, is not a cooperative goat. No, no one, no animal in this movie is like a trained animal. So it's just like,

and he's just like, oh God, it has bitten me several times. This is not an all movie. He got like a 10 second shot with the goat where it's not actually sinking its teeth into his dick. I am outing him. He barely got that shot. Right. So he gets back and him and Elijah and Rebecca's dad, that Rebecca's the dead guy's wife,

talk about Rebecca and stare awkwardly at her for a little while. And he's like, so I feel like I'm the love interest because I met her in the opening scene. So like to honor her late husband's request for butt stuff. I was I was closer. No one else could hear what he was saying, but I know very clearly we had a meat cute over his dead body We could knock foreheads as we knelt over his dying body yesterday Yeah, all right, so then we cut back to Joseph and Mary and she's like, oh the baby is kicking. He's really strong

Oh, no shit. That is a nail through his foot fuck. This is gonna be rough I go well. I was really hoping some Christian in the audience got super mad and was like, jeez, this would never kick a woman. That's not canonical. Yeah, but we get a couple of seconds of that. And then we get a Lysha making friends with Rebecca's kids. They sure do love him. He's skinny. They were sick of fat dad. Yeah. Now there'll be more food for the rest of the day. Yeah. So we cut back and forth between the two of them. Rebecca has a gift that she would like to give to pregnant Mary for her baby. It is a paper towel that's mostly not used. Clear. Clear.

It was like, well, we're keeping the crock pot so she can have this dead. All right. So we've, we cut back to Joseph. He's just put his finishing touches on his baby's crib. Well, not his baby's crib, the baby's crib. And he starts talking again, which is amazing. Okay, so because not only did they not try to do any kind of accent or anything like that, but also Kevin Sorbo's method of sounding old timey is to just not use contractions.

Oh, it's the best. It is the best. Yeah, no, exactly, exactly. So, but, but he's like, oh, wife, we were, we will have to soon go to Jerusalem for this bullshit census thing that Christianity likes to pretend to happen. Oh, it's such a forced line to, he's just like, hello, Mary, I would like to name some details about our trip because of the census. Here we are in Nazareth, which is near Galilee and we'll probably find a stable in Bethlehem and Airbnb at some point. It all makes sense. That all lines up. Yeah. Though so many of the lines start off with people like just reading what would normally follow the parentheses, I and T or whatever.

So yeah, but they have to go to Jerusalem for the census. So does Elijah and dead guy's wife, right? She gives him his shoes. He's like, my sandals are broken. She's like, oh, you can have my husband's sandals. He's not going to need them, right? Cool. Well, he was fat.

These are fat guys shoes. It's fat. But I'm not. It's velcro? This won't be invented for a while, but somehow we managed to get velcro in these sandals. Wow. Oh, they're pumps, cool.

That's great. New balance. Or actually, it's ancient Israel. So at this time, they're just balanced. Two balance. Yes. All right, so now we cut to a bunch of evil Jews or actually, it's ancient Israel. So at this time, they're just balanced. Two balance. All right. So now we cut to a bunch of evil Jews, evil chewing, but they're not. They're just chewing. Like this movie doesn't know how to not evil chew. But yeah, right. They're

not be held at all of these under fives. Like, guys, just normal Jew plotting. Stop hissing. Alan, if I have to tell you to stop hissing, one more time, you're out of the scene. Also, by the way, at the beginning of the scene, somebody's pixel-to-alarm goes off. Fucking loud. Like, unmistakeable. Like, that's the phone I have now. I know this alarm it was so loud and they kept it. So and by the way, nothing happens in this scene except Jews plot right.

The whole seat is look at them Jews always plot and huh. The only thing this scene proves is that they have no idea that ancient Jews did not dress exactly like modern Jews. Right? They got that towel thing they put on their head and then the string biblical Jews. They also came from Eastern Europe, right? All right. So we come from that and to Elijah getting a dead guy's family to his brother's house or something. And he's like, I'm going to drop you characters off here. See you later.

So meanwhile, Joseph and Mary are getting turned away at all the best ins and shit. And we know this way before the actor in this scene knows it. A giant pause. Someone's cousin yells, we have no room. You can almost see Kevin Sorbo just going, you're lying, dude. Sorry, sorry, dude, it's, there's a census. Little really everyone from everywhere is here. That's how we do. It's a census. We have a confirmation number. Yes. Nine. Nine nailed it. Yep. It's that it's early in hotels. Exactly. Exactly. And so they go to several hotels. Finally one guy goes, look, unless you want to sleep with the goats,

we've got nothing. And Sorbo is like, no one has ever wanted to sleep with the goats more than yours. Truly. Sir, deal. And he goes, but your wife's too good to sleep in pig shit. And Sorbo's like, I'll be the judge of that, man. Let's not. All right. Is your wife pregnant with another D.D.s? baby? No. All right. Well, maybe she goes and sleeps in some pig shit. I'm totally going with this. Oh, I met her. It's great. I'm great. I do a lot of burlesque. I'm really into that. I'm great.

Look how wide my eyes are. Please let us in your barn. All right, but we'll have to charge you extra for three people. You know, life begins a conception, am I right? Yeah. Right. Who's got to know us? All right? Right? He's got nose. All right, so they go to the stable. The goat looks up at Kevin Sorbo, like at least he's cute,

I guess, right? And the fucking stable, I can't imagine that the rooms in the N were better than this, right? There's like this huge open area like you'd figure they'd use that space for animals. like this huge open area like you'd figure they'd use that space for animals. Oh, it's a me just once I want this scene where they walk into a stable and it's a real stable that is filled with shit and packed with animals and they're just like, oh, this is why that matters in the story. Okay. It's wow, there's so much urine on the floor. I had a feeling it would like go into the But yeah, it's just it's just

And a horse kicked the baby out of my hand. He's he's flying. Okay. He's on the other side of the wall now Jesus just got kicked out of the area Oh, now I know I don't get to take care of someone else's kid, which I was so okay with Why my eyes are. So yeah, so the wife lays down to go to sleep. Oh, by the way, they reserved the shaft of the sunlight for her. Oh my God.

Honestly, Kevin might as well be like, Hey, honey, sit where the lighting's a little more dramatic. There we go. No, find your light, honey. Find your light. There you go. Oh, I wanted a different lady, given birth right in the column of light there.

Sorry, I have a calm, move. We're doing a thing. God's baby. No big deal. No, we were here. We were here. Dibs, man.

Use the sign up sheet. All right. So she goes to bed and then Kevin Sorbo has to pray. Okay, so I was wondering like, what is a praying monologue like for Kevin Sorbo after all these praying monologues? Okay, now, Kevin, this is where you are. Great, yeah, yeah. No, I've been in the movie before. All right, here we go. Rub a dub, dub, Jesus in a tub.

Great, okay, am I done? I'm done. I guess so. Great, so I'll be in my trailer, jerking off to younger pictures of myself. Or maybe it's like. Okay, now Kevin, this is the part of the movie where I pray. Oh, yeah, baby, here comes the prayer.

All right, here we go. One of those famous Kevin Sorbo pranks, scenes. Let's do this. All right, you guys ready for the magic?. All right. You guys ready for the magic? Um, I said, are you guys ready for the magic? I couldn't hear you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The mat just you. You're the only one. All right. All right. Here we go. Here we go. No phone cameras. Let's let the audience experience the magic in the theater. All right. Here we go. Okay. the magic in the theater. All right, here we go. Okay. A rub a dub dub. Jesus in a tub.

Yup, nailed it. Nailed it. Yes, nailed it. Crushed it, right? Right? You're just stunned into silence. No, I get it. It happens. It happens. Right? Nailed it. Did I not?

Did I not just nail it? Have I not just nailed it? You'll start applauding in a minute. I'll let you have that in a minute. You'll need it. Right? Right? All right. I'm going to be my trailer jerking off the younger pictures of myself. All right. I mean, it's one of those two options. Now, yeah, one of those or a combination,

right? All right. So the next day, they're at the census sensing. Now here's how a census would work back in the day. Everyone would go to the town of their fathers, right? Obviously, like if I told you right now to go to the town of your fathers, you people would all know what I meant by that. It's like that. And then you all line up and everyone walks up to a guy who's sitting at a table with an anachronistic, big ink pen. And you say the place you're from and the number of people that you are not your name, by the way, no, very important not to say your name.

Nope. You just walk up there and go Jerusalem. One, that's it. George Soros line of Latino guys, 12. Great. And by the way, when K Soros gets up there, he says Nazareth, too. So yes, they know that life begins at conception thing as bullshit. They know, they know. Okay, so he goes back to the stable after the dissensessing. And he's like since you can see Kevin Sorball going like why did we shoot the fucking census scene then if I'm going right back here and all the stuff we're going to do the baby

now. Why not last night? Like in the story. Well, that white castle that we stopped right next to was perfect. He was good for the background and we all enjoy it. It's lighter. So those impossible sliders, those aren't meat. It's crazy. I mean, you can taste it. That's fine. Yes. So, all right.

So she's going into birth, right? She's going to ancient baby right now, but we're cutting between that and Elijah. Now what we're supposed to be seeing, I discovered later, is Elijah being a drunk, right? But he's such a bad actor that I'm just writing in my notes like, man, that guy must be going, why am I in these parallel scenes? I guess I'll just drink this water, right? That's literally what I wrote, and then later he goes, yes, I was very drunk, and I was like, oh, drunk is what he was going for.

Drunk, the famous sitting still of drunkenness. We all know so well. drunk. The famous sitting still of drunkness. I want to talk about Mary giving birth here because she gives birth like, there we go. I like to think that this woman did a take where she screamed like an actual woman giving birth and all the man on set were like, okay, not okay. And you be cool because I'm pretty sure the Virgin Mary was super cool. She was just like, like, it's like pooping, right? Giving birth is like pooping.

I think my water broke. Oh, wait, is that wine? That's fucking cool. Wow. Elijah starts scooping it out of there. Sorry, I'm a drunk. I'm drunk. Hey, stop. I'm, I'm, I'm allowed to drink now. That's mine. We'll get formula not doing the breast milk thing. All right. So now we cut to a green screen desert where wise men are on camels. And they see the star of Bethlehem. They see that star and they go, they follow, you know,

how you can follow a star. It's like that. They do that. All right. So now the birth is over. There is no blood anywhere and clearly Mary never broke a sweat. So yeah, it was a, that was about it. The baby she's holding is 19 years old.

She's holding Matt Powell. Maybe it's got like a nicely jelled foe hawk and like a fucking hipster beard. It's way too. They pop out, need an haircut like that. Yeah, okay. So then we got to a drawing of a palace. Oh, I'm sorry. No, that's an establishing shot.

Okay. Sure. Now, this is Harris establishing shot. Okay. Sure. Now this is Harris throne. The throne is amazing. It looks like something they bought it big lots to make the double wide look classy. It's just a regular chair and they put door knobs on the top of the finials, right? Looks like a death eater wait watchers meeting. And he does this ridiculously awkward like set up so that he's extra menacing when they show up. He's just like, are they coming? Are they coming? I want to be looking at the full moon. That's how the window when they get here. They're already here. What can they hear me saying?

Some other fuck. All right, get out. You're the worst. Want to serve and pick up his throne and slowly turn it around. Oh, hello. He's trying to, he's trying to scoot it against the sun. Pick it up. Pick it up. Lift it from all the evenly lifted god damn it. If you scratch the phone, I'm gonna kill all of you. Somebody go to pottery barn and get a different one. This is ridiculous. All right. So yeah, but the wise men are there to see Herod. And they want to like celebrate the king of the Jews. And he's like, oh, you mean me? Because I'm the king over all the Jews. And they're like, oh, no.

Off work. Crazy. You guys have any specific presence for me? I feel like that would be appropriate. We do have specific. You guys are holding things. What is that? What is that in your hand?

It's crazy. You know, the star was just over two buildings at the same time. Craig was like, it's got to be the palace just over two buildings at the same time. That's Craig. Craig was like, it's got to be the palace. But we are in the wrong place. We will say something lovely in the guest book though. Let me add it. That mur.

It looks like mur. No, this is different. I'm a king. You are, but it's not, this is just my,'s actually my medicine. You're medicine. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What do you have a chronic illness? cranberries cranberries, right? I'm gonna kill you. Yeah, so okay, so but her it's all pissed because the Jews in his service haven't told them that any Messiah was coming.

Right. And they're like, yeah, dude, our books are fucking gobbledy, guked from guys that ran around naked and ate their own poop. So you get, there's multiple ways to go with anything that you see. You see the rabbi who is very clearly a Christian man being like, okay. So he's supposed to be from Judea or maybe Bethlehem. Here's the, you're gonna laugh at this. You know the census? Yeah.

So herod, but herod has this idea, right? He's like, oh, so yeah, no, go find that rival king. And when you do, just let me know where he is. And I will send. So I may worship him. Worship worship. Worship. Worship.

You said that weird just now. No, I was when you said worship. What if it's just it's like there's a big pause too. Just say it normal. It's like that he's like the he obviously I just I just want I'm emphasis was on the wrong. It's a level. But also the pause the pause was ominous.

There was a bit very, very clear. I was thinking I was think you're being weird. Okay. I want that. Murr. All right. So the wise men set out and they follow this fucking star some more and and reach it. Like they.

Yeah. Yeah. It is. This is where the stars directly overhead of this house, this stable way. Somebody get out of sexton. Let me make sure he here. Yeah, so that they come in. The wise men are like,

Hey, look at that, baby. I'm gold. This is my buddy Frank and sense. This is my buddy, Murr. You know how this goes. You've heard the songs, right? Oh, baby, I'm gold. This is my buddy Frankincense, this is my buddy Murr. You know how this goes. You've heard the songs, right? Just once I want to see a realistic reaction from Mary here. Mary, mother of the King of the Jews, we bring you gifts.

Cool. Just gave birth without anesthetic or anything like that. So maybe I'll do a shower later. I come. A very time goal. Hey, okay. We're a king. Oh, okay. Well, that is actually lovely. Thank you. I'm sure this gold will be. And I'm bearing frankincense frankincense. Cool. The Rome therapy candle of ancient times. Great. Just a little tip for you. Though, you, you go first. Just, you know, when, when you guys do this stuff together, you go frankincenseincense guy, you go, then gold guy, he goes after that in the future. Just a note.

And I come bearing more. Another one. Mer. The perfume ingredients, not even entire, ready to go perfume, just the ingredients. Cool. No, that's great. I love it. Thank you. Yeah, I'm gonna go make the

shit out of some perfume when I get home with my perfume distillery tools. Great. Well, assuming I don't die of the childbirth, I just did just now. And I should play the drums for him. No, wait, what? No, no, don't stop. What are you doing? Don't play drums at my baby. No, thank you, no thank you. Are you, are you sure? Yeah, sure, I don't want you to play drums.

Very loud at my baby. Just brand new newborn baby. You guys are the worst, please leave. Yeah, they seem oddly non-plussed by this. I wanted the other couple to be there too. They're like, we bring gifts and the other couple is like, oh, do you mean us? It's good to know. No, it's clear that we let them have the calm of light from two to four, but we've been

rotating. Baby fight. Side which one? Not enough baby fight clubs out there, right? All right. So yeah, but the wise men leave and they're like, Hey, you know, I know we said to Harry that we were going to go back, but the king can go fuck himself. Let's discuss that loudly in town square. It doesn't case anyone's listening.

This is the direction we're headed. We're going to go east, not north. Yeah, but in Elijah, the the drunken rabbi friend hears over hears this fact, right? He hears that they're going to go east. And the movie, by the way, will explain this to us later because it knows how confusing and bad this scene is. Yeah. Literally towards the end of the movie, Elijah will be like, let me explain with that member, the guy in talking one. That's 20 and the

act one. Yeah. All right. So the next day, Elijah congratulates Joseph, as if he did any work at either end of the prank, like normally it's weird to congratulate the dad. I feel like, but in this instance, it's especially weird. And he also apologized. He's like, sorry, sorry, I was drunk for your kid's birth. And I just wrote in my notes, he's taking note, I'm going to need you to give that apology. So right down like labels. So

when you get bounced from the waiting room, it's going to be a little bit awkward. I'm saying. I'll admit. When you get bounced from the waiting room, it's gonna be a little bit awkward. I'm saying. I'm saying. I'm in. Looking you all. I'm in. Giant Walker Blue label.

Label. All right. So it takes a lot of you to see baby Jesus. And I gotta say, I mean, I know baby's all kind of look weird, but they got an ugly baby for Jesus, right? This is like an especially ugly baby. Yeah, okay. Yeah ugly baby. All right, so then we cut back to Herod and he's using his growly voice So you know he's pissed. He's like where are those wise men? It's been three days I'm like do they move into that fucking stable, but yeah, apparently it's been three days

Nobody even sent me an evite Nobody even sent me an e-vite. For like Facebook, I just see several people near me were going to an event to know that the king of Jews being born. I can't, it's an open event because nobody knows how to make a fucking closed event anymore, but I'm not just going to accept the invitation. I didn't get an invitation. Oh, you grouped it by people near you, bullshit. I don't even have my hometown on my Facebook. So he's gonna get one of his

minions to go kick some ass. He's like, you know, find those guys and kick some ass and be ominous just to find this background music. Damn you. But wait, why does every bad guy ruler look like me in these fucking movies every single time? I could do without that. I feel like like if I start talking a little more evil, I could just go to Judea and take over a town. I can do it. This is my now. Oh, that's so bad.

Cause later on, I have all these notes about how he looks like the unit from Game of Thrones. And now I have to leave those out. Well, I mean, that's fair. I'm looking more and more like Colonel Kurtz every day. It's not good. You do have a cavalcade of zombie boy spides too. Well, that's true. That's true. All right.

So we got back to the stable and they're like, you come up with a name for him yet and they're like, yeah, we're going to go with Jesus. Otherwise the book makes no fucking sense at all. God admit, I was surprised they didn't go with Yeshwa here. Usually the Christian movies are like yeshwa And then they look at the camera like look at that authentic No, we're gonna pronounce it like a North Carolina mother. You're surprised at the movie with these headpieces and these costumes didn't get the name right

Here lion All right, so apparently Joseph and Mary are, are, have worn out. They're welcome at the stable after three fucking days. So they had out, you know, I've, they've clearly gotten everything just fresh out of the laundry. Uh, they have a habit of changing clothes a lot and not having luggage. Sorry, my notes were mostly about satin wardrobe. All right. So just then you're probably wondering what was going on with that drunk rabbi. Well, he is hanging out with Rebecca and her family talking about the subject.

Oh my God. Him trying to get Rebecca's father is every moment I've ever watched Heath interact with a woman ever. He's like Nathan. Well, I talked to you about something. It's important later, whenever you're ready, I would like to talk to you. It is important. Can I fuck your daughter later?

I need to have something important, ask you. I keep saying stuff backwards, fuck. You and me fucking your daughter not know the subjews is a worse penis nope. All right, so before Elijah can leave Rebecca chases him down and she's like, hey, I just

wanted to stop and say, you know who really likes you and thinks about you all the time. My son, my kid, not me. Oh, the best. And to be fair, this actor is not very good, but he plays off the single mom who tells you how much her kid likes you that you're trying to date, roll perfectly. He's like, yeah, yeah, no, he's good old kid. Who's a name I know? Not his name is cock block. I didn't. I did not. They both hate each other so much. Maybe in real life that she's kind of doing the same thing too. She like switches.

Yeah. He's like, oh, the sun talks about me every day. Do you think about me every day? And she's like, oh, awkward. Technically, I mean, I just said that my son, he said when he says something, I think about that. That's your theoretically, you go into my head, not like you're saying. It's the best. All right, so then we cut to Joe and Mary. They're you're walking into the church

to get Jesus's first blessing. And we know this because the scene opens with Kevin Sorbo saying, well, here we are getting our son his first blessing. It's the bad. It might as well be Lululu doing blessed stuff. This is nice, right? Do you baptism? Whatever it is we do. We're gonna have him control his first newspaper. I don't know. So I know what they is a weird transaction, but at least cut our son's dick here are two birds. Right. Right, go on. Yeah, okay.

So, then there's two characters here. This is Simian and Anna, and they are super excited about meeting baby Jesus. Yes, it's every meeting Noah has in a convention, the religions of that. Dude, because I get to witness these because no one cares through the fuck I am. So I get to stand to the side while someone's like, Dude, when you did the tie tribe where you were like, fuck you and Joseph's just like yeah, no, they're glad you like it. Fuck you, right? Are you saying fuck you? No, I'm being you. It's like that. That's what you say you're sad. Will you tell me to fuck myself? So yeah, and so they have all these lines there where they're talking about what I'm

a sigh of their baby's gonna grow up to be. And I just want to go out now like we can make a Patreon goal out of her. Where me and Eli go up to random people with babies and we just try to reenact this scene with them. Oh, for free zero dollars on Patreon. And we are going to Georgia. And that is what I'm going to do the entire time we're in Georgia Which is a compromise for my original idea, which was coming to people dressed as angels and telling them to kill their kit

So they leave that scene and they run into Elijah outside of the temple and they's like, wow, what are the odds? And Kevin Sorba was like, there are six characters. So like one in six, man. And it sort of allows him to my way. He's like, hey, and man, it's been like a week and a half since her back as husband died. Have you fucked her yet? To which Elijah's like, well, I was going to ask her dad later if I could fuck her. I'm getting to it. I don't rush me. Stop. All right. So meanwhile, at Herod's palace, he summons Tiberius in order to move the plot along.

He's like, go get all the rabbis. Tell him to make me aware of what's going on in this story. And Tiberius is so ridiculously modern looking. It's amazing. He might as well have like come from a lacrosse game. He looks like he takes squash way too seriously. He invites you to play squash. He knows how to play squash. And then for some reason, he yells at you while you're playing. Well, you should take it seriously. It's a serious game. Yeah. All right. Jesus, like bring me all the rabbis of the city.

And he's like, oh, have you ever tried to get like even a couple of Jews to the same restaurant? I don't, you make it sound like I just, to be fair, never a good thing when people gathers all the Jews. Yeah. I've been like, hey, Jews, let's all get over here. I have cake for everybody. Never. Yeah. I've been like, Hey, Jews, let's all get over here. I have cake for everybody. Never. Never. No one has ever rounded up the Jews and it's been a positive thing. Right. So he rounds up the Jews and they bring them to the nicest hotel lobby they could find

in Ontario. Oh, it's, there might as well be fat couples like creeping across the background of the screen to check in with the concierge. It's insane. The shares are so modern. I know. It's in their plethora. Who knew how to operate a camera and was okay with these chairs? They have beanbag chairs. We got beanbag chairs now, motherfucker.

Use the beanbag chairs. Yeah. So they take them. This is supposed to be the throne room, I guess. And they ask it. He asked all the Jews. He's like, Hey, guys, what's up with this baby messiah? Shit. Any of you guys seen a God kid around anywhere? anywhere. Any them look kind of son of God-ish looking. Did you see what? Yeah, and so he specifically, he's asked if so was anyone, did anybody see three guys with some gold and some really good-looking mirror that he was being stinged his shit with the other night? It's great. The Jews are like, why do you want to know? And her, it's like,

Oh, cause I want to shake their hand. They left their phone here. I'm here. I want to kill them. I'll tell you what, fun assumption game from now on. If I ask you where someone is, I want to kill that person. That's it from now on. You can just go ahead and assume that. Yeah, but Elijah lies. He says, I saw the major and they journeyed south, but it was really east now First of all they were in the middle of town right the direction you left the middle of town from does not tell you which way Someone's going so stupid to begin with but also like oh, I've thwarted them. They might have known the right quarter of the world to look in So fucking stupid okay, so So yeah. So Herod calls Tiberius forward and he's like, Hey, this is the part where I ask you to kill all the children

under two years old. Well, first he calls for Tiberius and like, he's like, sub is there. So he gets kind of. Oh, right. Yeah. He's like, ah, fuck, okay. Go get Tiberius then. He's like, he's off today. I'm the new guy. I can do whatever you need. I'm good at this. They told me this was temp to permanent.

So, yeah. I'm ready to give my hands. All right. New guy, you're the word, just go get Tiberius. Come on. And then you guys like, no, I need to learn. Let me do it. He's like, fun, fun. Kill all the boys under two. I'll get Tiberius. I'll be right. He sleeps in his armor. Don't worry. He'll be

here soon. Right. But yeah, no, he does. Right. I think I go to wake him up and he's in full armor with a swordness hand. He's like, wait, I was sleeping. Anyway, so but God sends Joseph a dream warning. Also could have sent her an embolism. But what do I know about God in mysterious ways, right? So Kevin sort of wakes up. He turns to his wife. He's like, Jesus is in peril.

We've got to go. And she's like, what? He's like, haven't you read the fucking Bible woman? Dude, you're fine. That baby looks 45 years old. Like I'd say, like put like a mustache and glasses costume on him, but he, he was born looking like Groucho Marx. You're fine.

Well, we are going to learn that the Romans are really not great at telling ages in about 10 seconds. That's true. Yeah. All right. So they're going to haul us towards Egypt in the middle of the night. So they go to run out. And it's just like, should we warn anyone else that all the two year old kids are going to get murdered? No, let's go. So

they run away and warn no one. Just the heroes of the movie. Anyway. So but Elijah hears that this is happening. And he real realizes that Rebecca, that shaky wants to fuck, has an under two years old kid. Oh, except she doesn't, because he's like nine. Well, she has the baby to get two kids. Oh, that's right. Yeah. So the Romans get to Rebecca's place before Elijah can get there and warn them.

And they stab a baby to death in this movie. This movie tries so hard to not make stabbing a baby with a sword silly. And they fail. Because you got to hike your arm up and then you're like, you stab it and there's only a lit like it's really short. The amount of blood on there because babies aren't very thick. So he's like, yeah, just a little bit of. Well, and the thing is, they're obviously not going to show you anything. the amount of blood on there because babies aren't very thick. So he's like, yeah, just a little bit of

well, and the thing is, too, is they're obviously not going to show you anything. So this guy standing over a crib and he just pushes the sword down and you're just going to get a whee whee whee. And that's it, right? And we're supposed to not laugh at that. Give me a fucking break. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So yeah, so they stabbed the baby and then Rebecca's like, how dare you stab my baby? And he's like, oh, well, now I'm going to kill your other kid just out of spite, motherfucker. So yes, so Tiberius stabs the, the, the, like eight year old and like her through him, right? Stabs her in the stomach. She doesn't die, but now she can no longer have children and he's killed all her children.

This is very important. So then Rebecca has tiny little funeral. Yes. And she has this amazing like John Wick moment where she's like, I swear, I will avenge you. And I just want to say I was totally on board for ancient Israel like lady John Wick. Hell yeah. There were only 40 minutes left in the movie. But if she had like, if there had been a suiting up

Montage She Everyone's ignored like Joseph and whatever they're all gone from the movie. She's just spinning and fucking doing endermost cutting through type Beary All right, well, this is the only time this movie will ever seem like it's going somewhere So we might as well work in that break now Now, but first, let me give Ack through the hard self. We'll Rebecca get her vengeance. We'll baby Jesus escape in time.

Will this movie have a brown person? Fight out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the arbitrary conclusion of Joseph and Mary. Lulu, Lulu. She's doing some heat stuff. Heat stuff is my favorite stuff. Hey, oh my god. Oh my god.

Heath, you gotta come. What? You gotta come now. Relax, dude, get off me. Heath, you have to come right now. We have a brand new sponsor this week. Shutter.com. And they let us try it.

And well, there's a thing on it. You gotta see it. You gotta see it. All right, well, just come down. What's shutter.com? And how are you on my shoulders? Just get off. Stop. Shutter.com. It's the Netflix of horror. The Netflix for horror? That's right. Shutter has like a unique collection of exclusive and original films and series,

horror classics and blockbuster hits. Plus, you get unlimited access to stream and free on all your favorite devices. Really? Can I stream on my iPhone? Yes. iPad. Yes. Apple TV, Amazon Fire, Chromecast, Roku.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, okay. Well, that all sounds great, but I still understand why you need to climb on top of me and why you won't get off. I feel like that's done now. You could be on here. Because they have Mandy Heath, they have the movie Mandy Mandy. Oh, oh, dude, that's my head. Ow.

It's one of the most awesome movies they have on their site. They've so much stuff. But in Mandy, Nick Cage's girlfriend gets kidnapped by a cult. And then there's a chainsaw fight. And you have to come see it. You have to come see the chainsaw fight, man. Okay, but Eli, I don't know if I can afford another streaming service right now. Well, Keith, that's the best part. Shutter is just 499 a month or 4999 a year. Wait, are you saying I can get the best curated horror

that Shutter has to offer for just 499 a month? Yeah, and Nick Cage has a chainsaw fight. Come on, I want you to see the chainsaw fight. Okay, okay, Jesus, you're 99 a month. Yeah, and Nick Cage has a chain saw fight. Come on, I want you to see the chain saw fight. Okay, okay, Jesus, you're like a cat. Okay, so how do I try shutter? Okay, so to try shutter free for 30 days, you go to shutter.com and use the promo code awful. That's SHU DDER and use the promo code awful.

All right, all right, I'm coming, I'm coming, but only because I love horror movies and because you'll maybe get off me. And it's chance to fight. Okay. And because I wanna see that change of fight. Yeah, it's a fight. Change of fight. Ooh, change of fight.

Brrrr. Brrrr. Brrrr. Okay, thanks everyone for coming to Mommy and me Bethlehem. It's been a rough couple of days, as you know, of course. Herod killed all of our babies. So I don't know. I don't know.

Anybody want to go? Yeah, no, I would like to go. I know something to say. Whoever gave birth to a savior should just tell us who you are now because you are a jerk. Cool. Nobody. Really? Mary, did you, Mary, did you raise your hands? Just now, did you raise your hand? Me? No? No. I was just stretching it out. Just stretching it out. Just sure? Just, just stretching. Yep. Okay. Yep. So, who's excited to ride on a plane without being a dick again? Huh? That's a plus side. I am. Yeah, excited about that. Shut up, Mary. Shut up, Mary.

And we're back for more of this shit. When we last left our heroes, Herod was alive and Joe and Mary were in Egypt. But we're going to rejoin the action now three years later when neither of those things will be the case. Right. So we started, we cut the first two herds dead body in a sun standing over it going, I'm the king now. In case you were curious. My king, you have a weird circle thing on your head. What was they have a belt on the set? The napkin holder. Is it a lot really large napkin ring? That's weird. So then we get one of my favorite moments in all of Christian moviedom. The part where he goes out on the porch and they do a crowd shot, but they don't have a crowd. Oh, it's the South Park battle in heaven. Oh, man, trust us. There is a crowd in there. I don't know if you can hear them. It is not Steve the sound effects guy going, that is not what that is. That is a big old crowd of people. All right,

so then we cut to Mary Jo and Toddler Jesus, returned into their house from Egypt. Apparently it's been three years, but no one has messed with their shit. As nice. Yeah, I am into the rest of this movie will be them like cleaning up a house they've left abandoned for three years, but like he's in pretty new, like someone came through over the last three years and like turned the picture frames sideways and like moved the lids off the path. Right. Well, I love to because they're on their way back to their house before that they get to Elijah's house where Rebecca wasn't. And they're like, hi, I wonder what ever happened to Rebecca. Last time we saw her was, let's see, shit, we were running from the city where they were

killing all of the baby shit, shit. Maybe we don't go see them, right? Yes. But his house is also abandoned. So they go to their house and there's just this scene here where like Kevin Sorbo looks at it, baby Jesus, like, he sure is going to be the savior of humanity, huh? But Kevin Sorbo like almost drops the rake that he's supposed to lean on. And they just keep the shot. It's the bat. It is Kevin Sorbo trying to casually lean and then the rake slides out from me.

Oh, you almost hit yourself in the face with it and they just keep it. You just drop a rake and then immediately step on it and have it swing into your face like you got to your character. No, no, no. Did that on purpose? Funny. But yeah, so, and then we see Jesus, like go over to the sheep, and it's like, wow, Jesus really likes the sheep, get it?

And you can see this child actor, like he pets, because sheep are fucking scary. So he bets the sheep twice, and he's like, okay, this thing smells like shit. So he like turns to his mom, and his mom's like, no, bet the sheep some more. And he's like, okay, all right, four sheep pets. I would like to go. Start a drug habit now. Son of God, four pets on the sheep nailed it.

All right. And then we cut to nine years later because we would be damn confused if that single fucking scene hadn't established and then they came back. What the fuck happened six years later? It's just terrible movie. It's so fucking stupid. All right, so we cut to nine years later, a bunch of Jews are chewing in a temple and they're talking about nuances of how their religion doesn't make any sense, right? Yep.

Like one of them goes like, okay, but if a widow remarried seven times, which of his wives would meet him in the afterlife? And everyone there is just like, ooh, that's good. No, I didn't think what if every Adam good. No, I didn't think what do you have. What if every Adam was a universe? I didn't think of that. That's right. But then teen Jesus, or as I call him, Jesus, copyright, steps out from behind a pillar

and he's like, one word, motherfucker's, poly fucking, amary. Boom. He just shows up like Al Pacino. He's just like, where's wife? Do you see in heaven? All of them get to fuck all of them everywhere. Ha, the best.

And the kid, and they like, all the Jews are just like, wow, that kid just threw down some high level Jew and wow, and he's a kid. Wow, that's pretty amazing. I don't know, rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble. The rabble, I almost went with best worst rabble, rabble, rabble. Right. They all cut off at exactly the same moment, like someone just shut off the laugh track with the paracizers or something.

We're doing three rabbles. We're doing three rabbles. Three rabble, Siege. But Joseph comes in and he's like, Jesus, what are you doing? You creating a religion again? But he says, no, no, I'm at my father's house. Get it? Right last time it was the sheep this time it's father's house. My dad gets me every other weekend.

We have a whole thing going on. I think that was very clear. I want to see divorce dad, God, having like awkward pickups at school with Joseph. Yeah, right. Yeah, pickups at his house over the weekend. Like, well, I have him until sundown. It's not sundown yet. It's my time with him.

So we're Jewish. That's the day starts. Yeah. You know it's Joseph God. Don't call me Joey. Sorry. No one calls you Joey. Nope.

Nobody calls me Joey, man. You're omniscient. You know that. How's Mary doing? You want to, um, I mean, like elephant in the room, you want to talk about fuck stuff? Little fuck tips. What are you doing with her? What works? If you're a divorced dad, send us your fuck tips. I've got awful movies. Gmail.com. All right. So now it's time for the second running into Elijah outside of the temple scene where they basically tell us everything that happened in that three years ago or three years later. Flashback right now it's even more useless. It's just them apologizing for how stupid the beginning of this movie was.

Like where have you been? Oh, yeah. I was also thrown off. How's Rebecca? I should, you know, she polishes guns a lot. There's a lot of polishing and staring into the middle distance, but other than that great, great. I'll bring her over.

We'll have dinner together. Sure. Yeah. No, that's the scowler. She's fun. Yeah. We like her. Look how wide my eyes are when I'm saying that you can bring your terrible girlfriend. So yeah, she's coming to your roast. That'll be yeah. Her art is really good. It's not. She oh, she makes us bracelets herself. Huh? That she photography now. Yes. That's not. She made those bracelets herself, huh? Does she photography now? What? Yes. That's, that's just as much art as anything else. That's true. That's true.

My eyes are super wide. So you know, I mean it. All right. So we cut to Rebecca to lies. They're heading back to their old place in Nazareth. They're moving back home, apparently. And she's like, Hey, what you thinking about is like, hair in and she's like, don't say that. Is it you asked, bitch? What's the bad? But we have all fallen into this wife trap, right? When she's mad, it's just like,

oh, what are you thinking about? Oh, you know, I was just thinking about that. We missed the exit back there. I thought we weren't gonna talk. We are not talking about it. We were on for, Sorry for answering you. Okay. Right, so they get home.

Kevin Sorbo sees that they're home. He sees the fire and the horizon or whatever. So he brings the family over for a visit. It's super braggies. Like this is our son. Jesus, he's alive. Oh my goodness. Sarah live, son.

Sun, son, tell everyone the story of not getting stabbed ever. Jesus he's alive. Sarah live son. Son son tell everyone the story of not getting stabbed ever. He tells us so good he tells us stories so good. You didn't get stabbed right? Yeah I was just like yeah I'm sorry I didn't warn you she's got this whole you killed my father prepare to die storyline going on. It's going to sort of distract from the point of this movie white a bit. It will, but nothing will be more distracting than her Canadian story that slips into the season. Yes. Yeah, we should have mentioned that by the way that like, yeah, this is a very Canadian woman

making no effort whatsoever to be Middle Eastern. But this is the scene where she's just like, oh, I'm awful sorry about the whole night. That's on me. He was a real loser. You know what I'm saying? How the fuck did you guys get away by the way? Just when they were killing all the kids, you just like hide behind a pillar. What the fuck? Get the fuck out of here. Seriously, you just did find a pillar. That was it. Come on.

All right. So in case you were wondering, by the way, Herod's son is not a very good king or a very good actor. He is whose son was this actor? I don't know. He's so bad at acting. It's crazy. By the standard dish movie has set up until now. It's like the quarterbacks girlfriend is in the high school play and they didn't have enough voice.

So he's like, I am in the play. I act from my diaphragm. Zah, zah, zah, zah, zah, zah, zah. Say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, stop it. Stop acting. Yeah, so okay, so when he names Tiberius as the new publicant of Nazareth, that he's like, and when you get there, kick as much as you have to be a bad guy. So all right, we cut back to Nazareth. K-sorbs is teaching is 12 year old son, the very most basic possible thing about starting a fire. Right? He's like,

the wood catches on fire. Right. So when you're starting a fire, you want to measure four times, or I'll get mad at you. Yeah. So and as they're doing that Rebecca is just just jealously looking on going like, ah, that's a very alive kid they have there. It's the best. She turns to Mary and she's like, oh my gosh, I'm a little jelly, your kid isn't dead.

Am I the worst? I feel like I'm the worst friend, but I love you. I'm so happy for you. I'm just like, oh, I might get alive. I feel like you're rubbing your alive sun in our faces a little bit. That's fine.

Well, and she turns to her husband at one point. She goes, like, I feel envy for what Mary has. And I'm like, a husband with biceps that are discernible from the rest of his arm. I get that a lot. I know. I know. But then Elijah and Jesus wander off together for one of the dumbest scenes that we get in this film, right? Elijah is walking and he's about to fall off a cliff. Oh, no, he's not. Well, is it cliff? Would it?

Very very small Sandy Hill that's not even all Sandy Hill that's not even remotely like you can see where they've all been like rolling down it for fun. When there was like a refrigerator box in the shot right now. So stupid. And so they're going to have this conversation where they will just fucking speak entirely in metaphor. It's so fucking so good. Like right because he slips and he almost falls and Jesus says, just follow my footsteps along the path and you will not fall. I know the path well, right? And the whole scene is going to be that shit. Yeah. And with every single moment of this scene,

they might as well turn to camera and be like, get it. Yeah. Saved him from the fall. That was another big fucking like what another possible best worst for me was the best worst wink, wink, get it. Right? Over and over again. So Jesus is walking with Elijah and he's going like, I think you've got this Jew thing all wrong. Uh, and he's an update of some sort.

Yeah. That awkward moment when you tell someone that God is your dad. Yeah. Yeah, right. Cause like Elijah's trying to explain it. And it, like, you almost feel for him, right? Because you've seen like religious dad at one point, trying to explain things to religious kid. And the kid is seven years old. So he's smart enough to outsmart the religion at this point. Right. So he's, Elijah's having that look look man. None of it makes sense if you think about it hard stop doing that Don't think about it hard. You'll have to go to these conventions and you gain a bunch of weight. It's not correct just trust me. Be cool

and Then of course the part way is that a metaphor. Right, right. Jesus. Stupid. Like here we are at a cross road. Stop it. Don't do that. Fucking cut it out.

I see what you're doing. I suppose this is where our paths diverge. Okay. I'm just going to take my truth and my life over this way. The way the truth and life are going is this way. Would you like to follow me at this Crossroads? No, I'd not yet. Did you have any truth or life? Just me. Cool. Right. But Elijah has that like, you know, when Gandalf realized that that might be the one ring moment, he goes back to checks the, the God scrolls and they have like the beautiful

mind overlays on it or whatever. He's, he's doing hard. Yeah. So, but in town, Jesus sees a beggar lady and she's drinking from a bucket of cow piss. He's like, no, no, can't have that. Yeah, this is now that we're talking about. I don't know why. Exactly. Yeah, she's seeing a human for the first time and freaking out. She plays it, yes. I don't know how she got into this town without like seeing other humans first bustling

town of fabric movers, but yeah. And Jesus, who's a fucking jerk, doesn't heal her, because I guess he doesn't have that power yet. He's a flock of Cyclops yet. Yeah, exactly. He just offers her public water. And even she's like, no, I have a disease. We don't know what germ theory is yet.

Yeah, I don't want to get everybody. I can't. So white's only fountain. You can name it too. My boils are spelling out the word Ebola. Look at it. Just look. It says, Ebola in boils on my face.

Jesus is like, ah, it's fine. It's fine. And so she goes to drink the water. Some dude comes out and hits her with a broom. And at that moment, Tiberia sees this kid be a nice to a person with a axima. So he interjects, right?

Are you giving water to a gross? Put it out. the exome so he interjects, right? Are you giving water to a gross? I don't know. And Rebecca is there with him and she recognizes Tiberius and he kind of recognizes her, right? He's got this. Oh my God, this is so weird. Did I stab your baby? This is great.

I'm stabbed a lot of people's babies. So feel free to be like, it's not me, but I feel like I stabbed your baby. Oh, I wanted racial to do a will pistol so badly right now. She just pulls them out from her back. Beew. Rebecca, but yeah, yeah, her. All right. So and then we go back to Elijah and turp it in the scripture like crazy. And this is where he realizes that Jesus is right. And he is the king of the Jews. And he thinks to himself, we're dead God wouldn't make that pretty clear with all these prophecies. Cause then what the fuck are they for? This was like new information to this rabbi. Yeah. Like he's just now noticing the part in the holy book from God about the Messiah of the world that's been prophesied.

Yeah. All right. Gotta make sure that this is conflicting and confusing so that in the future, people like Lee Strobel will know it's true. Exactly. All right. And so just then the Rebecca comes in and she says, I found the six fingered man. Tiberius is here in Nazareth. You need to kill him. And Elijah's like, are you sure? Cause none of

this is remotely in the Bible at all. I mean, we're not you and I are even characters in the Bible. Seems like a weird side plot for me, the like wacky drunk character to kill someone now. This is the movie. This is the turn the movie is taken. All right, fine, fine. I will kill him, but let me do some juice stuff. First, I have important juice stuff. You saw me with the, with the scrolls. So yeah, so Elijah goes to see all the other, all the other rabbis because he needs wiser rabbis than himself. on his drunk. Yeah. He's like, I'm a level eight rabbi advice from a minor. Is there a Messiah test like yeah, a riddle or something? It's like we could have had a riddle though. Now that that would

be if he would only know that and we would all just be like, oh, right, that's the answer. He must be the, no, nothing. Okay, but the rabbi tells him, the rabbi has the shittiest possible advice. He's like, he's like, how would you know if you had met the Messiah? And he's like, you would know it in your heart.

We're good at thinking, but the hardest is the more important part of the thinking that the thinking. And thus began the long tradition of Jewish parents thinking their kid was the Messiah. Yeah, right. Yeah, more important than knowing things is thinking that you're right. Super hard. Ticks off all the boxes in that prophecy, absolutely. But how does your dick feel?

Yeah, I get that. Well, oh, it feels like my, uh, my soul has an erection. It feels great. No, it feels great. That's good. Probably, probably them. Sire. All right. So Elijah comes to see Joseph to ask him about the, the, the God kid that he's got. We opened this scene with clearly Kevin Sorabo wanted to be doing something that would show off his his packs and his biceps, right? So they're like, yeah, you can move this big ass piece of wood. And then he started doing it. And they're like, okay, we'll get you a smaller piece

of wood. And he was like, no, nobody can do this. I'm good. I'm good. I was fucking Hercules get away. This whole scene is Kevin improvising lines about how easy this what is while the other actor tries to move the plot forward. He's like, so I think your son might be, yeah, really easy actually in better shape than I was hercules. Well, even the actor makes me like, hey, man, do you want to not do you want to stop so we can have this scene? And he's like, I'm a strong is an ox. And the director's like, that's not the line, Kevin, please stop trying to work that line in everywhere. It's not in the script anywhere. So yeah, oh, and then another thing we have another great get it moment. He's like, hey,

earlier today, your son saved me from a great fall. You mean from that hill we roll down for fun? Yeah, that one. So K didn't we already do the great fall that yeah, but we only have so many. Roman could die on that, okay? Spoiler. Spoiler. Hello. All right. So yeah. And he says, hey, you know, it occurs to me that this movie doesn't really work unless you're filled in on all the act one shit that didn't happen, like when you were on screen, so let me explain to you things that already happened in the movie that the audience knows about. All right, so Elijah goes home, right?

And Rebecca is just rocking back and forth on the bed like she's been chasing the drag and just waiting for her husband to return with the head of Tiberius. And he's the best. Oh, shit, I totally, you know what it was? You said milk, bread, kill Tiberius, but like it took forever to find bread and shop right. So I found it. I was like, don't forget the milk because I skipped it and I just, oh, it flew, flew

out of my head. And they're both treating like this. Like he forgot the extra soy sauce, right? And it's normally that's not a big deal, but this is the third fucking time and she was super specific this time. Yeah, but she's like, go kill that Roman guy, dammit. So Elijah takes the type of curious killing knife, like he's reluctantly submitting to a one a.m. munchy trip because his wife is in the mood for ice cream sandwiches and we just have regular ice cream. Two votes.

The freezer. Two votes. All the husbands get that joke. He goes, final. Can you judge murder or call? I really wanted him because she says, have you forgotten your vow to me? And I wanted to be like, okay, but my dick was out, right? So nothing, that doesn't count My dick is out. You can't come on

Don't hold me to that stuff. All right, so so he goes to sharpen his knife and pray to God for the power to open a candle What bass on type areas, I guess But luckily Joseph comes upon him in time. Yeah, he's like, hey man, you uh... sharpening a murder knife there, buddy. You're gonna do it that murder knife. Go away. Nothing. It's the best.

And again, what the movie's trying to do here is like, oh, the Old Testament was vengeful and violent. But it's just so awkward. Yeah. He's like, no, no, it's I for an eye. It says it in our book. I'm totally allowed to do this because I'm a Jew and Christianity doesn't exist yet. Says it. It says just like that in the Old Testament. Well, maybe it's time for a new one. I'm just a new testament. And Joseph is just like going like, a man, maybe you should, uh, you're

turning out the cheek. Kids stole that line from me. You still that all time. Movie gives credit for a lot of Jesus and stuff to Joseph. It's a weird choice. It's like they told Kevin Sermon that he was going to get to

play Jesus and they like they capped makingermon that he was going to get to play Jesus and they like they kept making him think that throughout the film. Yeah. But finally, Kevin Sermon was like, hey, dude, you don't have to kill Tiberius. And also you couldn't kick all of Oils ass. Look at you, dude. I like, there's no Tiberius. Like, do you see in that do-play squash? Haha. He's so serious about it. He keeps score. There's a little thing, a warm-up thing that no one else has. What are you going to play if you don't keep scores? And I even a game at that point is just stupid. We're just hitting the wall against the wall. You have to go without scoring obviously. Oh, so by the way, this is so amazing. One of

the most amazing things about this movie is that, you know, because when they were bitching about taxes earlier and they got that wrong, I was like, huh, that's weird. You would think that you could get that right. At this point in the movie, they get forgiveness wrong. Like so much of this movie is built around the idea that Elijah has to learn and Rebecca have to learn to forgive the soldier that killed her kids. She never does, right? And he does so wrongly.

And also they never, like, you could have redeemed Tiberius as a character. Yep. Right? Like, you could have like a better writer would have had this character like haunted forever by all the terrible things that Herod made him do or something. And so at the end, when they have the chance to kill him, you're like, Oh, you shouldn't kill Tiberius. He's about to turn a corner. And then you could have him forgive Tiberius and it would make fucking sense. But in this movie, because he's such a comic villain, the right thing to do is kill him. Right? It's not even vengeance at this point. It's just like, you're going to kill other babies if

I don't. Yeah. So they don't have a forgiveness answer. It's not like it's important to forgive because X is just like, you got to forgive him because, you know, that's the, it's our thing. It's a crazy thing. It's not our thing, but it's we're pretending it's our thing. Right. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. All right. So then we cut back to Rebecca and she's talking to her dead husband about her new husband. Best of aggressive dead husband conversations the best. She's out there. She's at his grave in their yard, just like right next house. She's like, so dead husband, the guy I'm fucking is being weird about our murder revenge deal.

He's going to be an asshole about it. Can't just tell him directly. So I came out here to say it really loud and he can clearly hear me saying this. Also, he's being a little bit of this weird bend. And it's fine. It's not a bad bend, but it's different. And he should be aware of that. Bend it back. I feel like you can correct that with your hand over time. Yeah, and he's just standing there watching her. Brian. She's like, I I hope and pray that my husband isn't too much of a little bitch to get this murder done. Amen. Bye. It's right at the crest, right at the top, just to be clear.

All right. So now we cut to Kevin Sorbo. And one of the side things happening here is that Kevin Sorbo, the character is supposed to be getting old. Right now, I know Kevin Sorbo is getting old, but Kevin Sorbo is so overplaying the like, boy, am I dying soon? Walk that it's like he's a pregnant, waddling lady. Yeah. So the thing is, he should have been great up for this point in the movie. So he did.

He was getting old, but I'm imagining every time they tried to do this, Kevin Sorbo fought them like a cat getting a bath. He kept challenging him to clap push up contest. So his physical appearance never changed. He just slows down. Yeah, exactly. Kevin Sorbo clearly learned about method acting like that day. And he's just like, all right, well, I'm going to get some fucking rickets then. And tomorrow I'm going to have rickets on the set. And now he does. All right. So he gets home and the wife is like, Kevin Sorbo, you need to stop doing

things that force you to flex your biceps all the time. He's like, no, no, never going to stop. I got to fix the the door. And he's standing by the door when he says that, right? So it's like the Eli bit. You know, my name is Pat by her phone. It's that. Oh, it's for and then he gives it, he gives Jesus like a little tack hammer. He's like, there you go, son. You fixed the door. Remember, but measure eight times. That's the best measure eight times. Got it. Got it. So I just, I waved this door hammer next to the door area. That's it. The door, the fuck out of it. The door is now in the doorway. Never stop measuring the whole measuring. All right, so everybody hates you. You need to

measure twice. Yeah, right. Why? Because it's so goddamn important. You know how you know how Eli when you go through and you wrote your notes the first time you nail it, you fucking nail it and you don't have to go back through it. It's like that,

but with wood. I do. Why don't you go ahead and measure eight times? And I've seen you do twice and it's indistinguishable from once. So you just wait. When I am a master of the Sorabong, you guys, what? No idea. Advocates.

So then when we, we cut to this, my favorite extras in the entire movie, this is, there's a dead body industry. We don't know why, but everyone's standing over it, robbering in a very, very tight group waving their hands over their hands. Oh, it's the, and they're like, they're obviously two synced up. So they got yelled at by the extras director. So now they're doing like every other one. So it looks like they're jerking people off. This is take 87 of these extras. This entire movie is worth watching for this one scene.

Just these extras make the entire movie worth it. And so Eliza shows up and he's like, hey, crowd of raging murderous people. If I wanted to kill the public and I'd go, I'd go left. Right. Yeah. Are you guys doing the wave? What the fuck's happened? All right. So then we cut the typo.

He walks through a doorway ominously. We don't know where he is or what he's doing. So I just wondered if that's how he comes home. He's just who walks through and throws his own door open like that. But no, he just is walking around a house and looting the place, right? Stealing what he can find because damn it, he's the bad guy. All right. So now, Tiberius and his minions are off to do something ominous based on the music. Again, we don't know what he's doing. Right? We will learn later that he is now figured out who Rebecca

was and she cut him in the face earlier in the movie when he stabbed her baby. So he wants revenge. We don't know that. So we just see him and his guys are on horses and they're charging towards something. Also, it's hard to take this bad guy seriously because now I've seen his chaffed inner thigh. He's clearly like having a hard time on like the three takes he had to do on a horse. And it's so pink and raw and just like, all I got a big story at this point is Tiberius, the bad guy just like gingerly rubbing the ointment onto his looks like he's got John Wayne's own butter something. That's so much.

It's like I feel the cheese off the pizza. It looks like the under the cheese part of the pizza is not good. The ointments just mixed with the blood now. I've got to run for a London train. All right, so, but he's coming after Rebecca. Rebecca, here's him coming. She runs away. Now her run is Gary Bucy levels of hilarious. She has no idea that the arms are involved. Oh, it's, it's the way you change. He, and he has to chase her like a guy chases a toddler. Right. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no We watch her remember that and then we watch her like look around and pick out a spot on the ground that looks the least like, Awey to fall. And then she stares at that spot while she like runs herself into the ground, just like, like she's doing the escalator thing without a wall in front of her. She's like, Paul.

Yeah, so she screams for Elijah and, but he's nowhere to be found and Tiberius gets there first and he's still mad about the face cut and she has Adam Antium fingernails. Well, first of all, he's like, hey, you stabbed me in the face and he goes, tell me your name and she's like, uh, vest. Bad guy face. She's That's That's That's That's That's That's

That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's

That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's That's literally rips large chunks away from his cheek. It's so exaggerated.

It makes the death of Satan look subtle. Yeah. Yeah, right. No. So she touches when she causes face weight and then they do the running away thing again. He has to chase her like the toddler, but Joseph, who is randomly hammering something or something, here's all this commotion and he rushes off to save her. So, so we cut to them in the middle of their fight. And I gotta say, I love this lady's fight technique.

She uses pocket sand and then knee in the balls. She's my favorite. That's pretty solid. That's pretty solid. But just then, right? She knees him in the nuts and he drops his sword. Elijah shows up, but he pulls out his little tiny knife. And he has the whole like, you know, he like clearly thought he had a good line. Here he thought he was going to go all in and go Montoya or whatever. He's like, you're a soldier of Rome, but I'm, I'm a soldier too. Well, not I'm a rabbi soldier too. The only place you'll be Roman is to the land of death. What? You want to roll it back? You want to go back and look at it. You'll have a better line. Just give me again. I'll give you like you stand over my wife with the sword and then

she'll kick you in the nuts again. And I'll come back. I'll come back in. All right, but just before Elijah can kill Diapyrus, Joseph shows up a hoffin and a puffin in his way of this hill. He's, oh, I got, I got a hammer. Let's take it. I know you had to vamp for like 10 or 15 minutes. Why? Better. Better better shake in my do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that.

I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that.

I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to do that. I'm gonna have to's right. I should forgive your kid's killer. And she's like, no, no, no, no, you should not. You should, you were talking about butt

stuff earlier. We were going to do butt stuff. You think you're going to do butt stuff after this? Because even Tiberius is like, I mean, if you let me go, I'm going to go get some guys and kill you. Yes. Yes. You should kill me because I make weird, loud, hot noises while I'm paying squash, but you should also kill me because I make weird loud hot noises while I'm paying squash, but you should also kill me because I'm going to kill you. Well, right. Yeah, and what is his solution here is like, okay, I'm not going to kill you, but don't kill me though, okay?

Right? There's the do not deal here. Yeah, and Rebecca is like, I, you've got to be fucking kidding me. This is the end of the movie. And he's like, oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. The best is yet to happen.

And then, okay, so like at this point, I had let my card down. I think the movie's like a minute and a half left in it. And I'm like, okay, he forgives type areas, type areas, becomes a good guy and he means Jesus or something like that, whatever. But no, Elijah goes to toss, type areas is sort off that tiny little cliff from before and type areas chase it after it like golem. He dies from rolling down the hill.

He rolls to death. He dies on their little bunny. Yes, yes. And the actress, clearly, like, the hill is not even steep enough to keep him rolling. So the actor has to, I'm fed up one or two times as he rolls down the hill. He's like, I'll throw myself in this next one. You can't have, first of all, a dramatic death while yelling, wee!

Oh, my God. Ruins it. It's so good. At one point, he wasn't rolling hard enough because, again, this is, it's barely a hill. So he had to fully stand up and dive into the rolling. Yes. Keep going.

This might be the silliest death we've seen, and we saw a guy get laser to death by the caran. Yeah. It was so amazing. I laugh for so long when I saw this movie was, I mean, you know, it was fun for one of our movies or anything, but it was brutal. It was tough to get through or whatever. And there's like a minute and a half left.

I was not expecting this. I fucking died expecting this. I fucking died at this moment. This way, I could say, you know, we already had all these jokes about how non intimidating this hill was, but they brought it back. It was checkoff's hill, right? I got a little tiny incline. I love that so much. All right. So now K-Sorbs is walking along for 23 minutes, but he's older and he's dying. So he plays this like a wind up robot, right? He's just running out of batteries as he walks across this set. Jesus comes up to him. I wanted to be like, hey, walks across this, this sat. Jesus comes up to him.

I wanted to be like, hey, how about some healing for daddy, huh? Yeah. You're dead? Maybe you talk to your, your birth dad about helping out step dad, huh? And no, no, no, not for me. Not gonna get those powers convenient. I mean, he's convenient.

Brung for a new PlayStation for you. Like it was nothing. No. Okay. Yeah, and so Jesus comes up and he's like, Dad, I will always remember you as the second best father that I had and he's like, yeah, really I kind of get fucked out of this story.

All together. Look how wide my eyes are. I'm totally cool with this. I'm totally cool with this son. There's also this great moment where Kevin Sorbo says to Jesus, he's like like go see your uncle Joseph of Matthew or how are the hell asked for now? He gets it so fucking wrong

Yeah, no, you want to go find him. He'll sneak your body out of the cave. What? Nothing. No, I just say nothing just find him trust me I was I was trying to explain the Joseph of Aram thea like apologetic to Anna and I ended up saying the Christ like the Smiths or the Roberts and that's my new sitcom kicking it with the cry. Oh, I love it. I love it. Now there is a fucking Patreon goal. All right. So Jesus though, that was only spirit Jesus, right? He disappears, but Mary shows up physically and he goes, I'm dying Mary and she says, are you sure? And he's like, there are like a minute and 40 seconds left in this movie. So yes, I'm definitely this is the big one.

What you know, I'm totally cool with this. Totally cool. I love sharing pizza that I could just have myself. Totally cool. And then the narrator kicks back in and basically says, and then all the interesting parts of the Jesus story happened. And they have a guy dressed kind of as Jesus, then, and way, way, far away from the camera for such a super long time while this narration happens. Like, you can see the actor being like, guys, is my done? I didn't know I would need to vamp here. Now, I'm doing karate kid thing. I'm doing the crane.

I'm doing the crane technique now. This is weird. Just hold still. Okay, sorry. Just seems long. Seems long for me to stand here doing nothing. She seemed to shepherd. They were going to get a sequel out of this or something. I don't know. All right. Well, I've got to admit, the way they killed off Siberiaius was really close to comic perfection, but to close things off tonight, I want to do better. So any suggestions for you guys for a funnier way to write out that character.

Yeah. Elijah paints a hole on the wall. And it goes through it. But then when Tiberius tries to follow me, it's hit by a train. Right. Train comes out as yeah. Yeah. Um, he could have fallen up that hill. I guess. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no stuff your stockings next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? The Christmas shoes. All my foot show. Then now I believe this one comes out on Christmas Day, right? This next episode. No. Our Christmas, yeah, it's, oh my God.

And it's a whole Mark movie, right? Yep. It should be fun. It should be fun. All right. So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 174 to a merciful clothes. Once again again a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go if you'd like to catch yourself among their ranks, you can make

a prep episode donation of patreon.com slash God awful and thereby your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the skating a the citation data and the schedule credit available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments and cinematic suggestions, you can email GodolphinmovesaGmail.com, legal services for this podcast, or provide a bit of offices of PA and retours. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnikov

Evil, Travis Sonmarz. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clarkam was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neelyette Bosnick, I'm Noel Luciens, promised to work hard to earn another chunk next week, until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club clothes. Heavensorbo is still alive thanks to a steady diet of mango steam and fetus blood. Tiberius just stood up after they left and he grabbed his horse and his sword and killed all of them minutes later. Rebecca reminded Elijah that he hadn't technically killed Tiberius for the rest of their lives. She said she wasn't man, but she was man.

She was. She was. She was man. Hi Insight is 2020 is going to be a great campaign slogan. Oh, it is. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, copyright 2018. All rights reserved. Understorm LLC, Copyright 2018, all rights reserved.