God Awful Movies - 175: Christmas Shoes

Episode Date: December 25, 2018

This week, we team up for an atheist review of Christmas Shoes, the story of footwear and Rob Lowe's sad, sad decline. --- Get tickets to our live show in Dallas here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

He's very clearly they were like, oh, I haven't do one of those West Wing freakouts and Roblo was like, the script you wrote for me was, I need a different fish farmer, dammit. When a fish farmer, fish farmer. You're like, yeah, but do it like, do it like you're saying it to Toby. Get it together when you bitch. Fish farming is what we're talking about. So good, you're the best actor in this movie. Get it together when you bitch. It's farming. That's what we're talking about. So good.

You're the best actor in this movie. So many grandmothers are gonna fall asleep to your acting. It's great. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Movie. OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE OOBE O to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right, Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, uh, you know what's a good coat? Do what's that?

Vin Diesel's fur coat from Triple X. This is a good coat. Let's talk about anything besides this movie. Oh, God, I thought you were hitting around that you didn't like my gift for you. Well, was it Vin Diesel's fur coat? Well, no, I, that would have been a better idea. I've only, we had recorded this three weeks. Do you guys have any questions about what's a good

blank? Do you guys want to get into? During the first ever call in podcast, everybody. Lines are open. All right. And that, by the way, was my bad friend who is sitting 900 miles to my northeast. His name is Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you? This fine afternoon, sir. I'm fantastic. Noah, you know who's not? Who's that? Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe's having a bad decade.

He's a bad life in general after the early 80s. But not really. I, none of this makes sense. All right. None of this makes sense. So tell us, Keith, speaking of Rob Lowe, what will we be breaking down today? We watched the Christmas shoes, the made for TV movie, and I'm assuming it's the story of how Rob Lowe had sex with another underage girl in front of a nanny cam and got a pack of mail by her TV producer dad to keep it quiet.

There is no other explanation for this. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if the Hallmark channel refused to make a movie out of, can I smell your dick no matter how many letters you wrote, you will love this movie. It's a little story about a girl named Macarena. What? I have no idea. I don't even know what the can I smell your dick as a reference to their loving it. Okay. That's the important thing.

The important thing is that they love it. Okay. And of course, this movie was based on the song, The Christmas Shoes, about a kid who scammed 18 bucks off the lead singer of news song. And interestingly enough, we've actually broken down the song itself over on God off of music. That was episode two 51 of the skating atheists, if you want to check that out. But needless to say, this is exactly the type of movie you expect when the hallmark channel decides to base a film on three minutes of repetitive lyrics hastily scribbled by

an idiot. All right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst title thing. Again, Christmas shoes, it's death shoes. Death shoes is the thing of the title. So spoiler, someone might get the Christian cinema and possibly die in this movie. And they're gonna need some special dying shoes. That's gonna drive the plot. Is there a plot? No, there is still a man. You will drop like flies in this movie.

Yeah. It's past the final destination is like, all right, that's a little month. Yeah, but that's the thing. Christmas shoes, it's the death thing. Either. Either I've decided that I want a death condom. Okay. You guys are also vindies for coat. So I was going to go with best worst meaningless coincidences. Right. So throughout this movie, our various characters are intertwined in ways that you keep thinking will eventually pay off,

but there's never a reason for any of them except for like they didn't want to pay more actors. Yep, it's fun. You keep seeing them like, oh, and then they're going to be never, never. Oh, they there are 97 different ways that Rob Lowe and the little boy character connect in this movie, none of which actually matter at the end when they actually meet, right? Yeah. Or in post script, like you know, you do think very towards the end that I'll be like, oh, they're going to know the end. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This movie's a lot like crash. Absolutely. I'm glad someone finally said it. All right, I'm going to go with best worst working dad. Now, we have had a lot of working dads in Christian movies, but this is the first one who's a bad dad for the work he's doing to save farmers who are being sued out of their livelihood.

It's such a bizarre fucking choice. Yeah, like overworked dad is as much a Christian movie trope as Jesus existing, right? Except that they always, and they don't always do this, but they very often do this thing where it's like, yeah, but dad's a cop, or in this case, dad's a lawyer working on this thing where it's like, yeah, but dad's a cop or in this case, dad's a lawyer working on this. Like eventually, dad's going to be a heart surgeon and it's going to get worse than this one. But yeah, as of right now, this is the best worse. They went with lawyer, just make him a bad lawyer. Right. How hard is it to be a not really, really nice like pro bono for poor farmer's lawyer? They like stumbled into that and they're

like, all right, well, I wrote it. I mean, liar, liar existed. The template was there. You know, I mean, not that we needed a template for non-likable movie lawyer. See, now I really want that surgeon movie because you know, he like throws the scalpel down over an open heart. And he's like, I'm sorry guys. I got a ball practice and she's really good at foul shots. She told me they're going to do a little foul shot competition. It's not a game, but it's kind of a game. So oh, yeah, you're dead. I was thinking that was the game.

That was there. That was my bad. No, that's your bad. All right. Well, I had a bunch of fucking temporally themed ghosts keeping me up all night. So I'm going to pause for some caffeine, but when we come back, we're going to dive into all the unrelated mundanity that is the Christmas shoes. So I was thinking for the first interstitial, we could talk about like how stupid it is

to make a whole movie based on a Christmas song. Oh, yeah. I like it. Like this summer, frosty, the snowman. Hold on, but isn't that real? Isn't, isn't what real now? A movie based on frosty, the snowman. Oh, God. Yeah. They did a cartoon. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It will do something similar. Like how about Rudolph the Red Nose reindeer the movie? No, they did a thing about that too. Yeah, that's what I'm sure. That's what I know.

Yeah. Like, we need something like Silent Night. Okay, yeah, let me Google it. That is three movies. They mean, three movies. Three movies. Three movies. Yep.

A little drummer boy. Two movies. Okay, you drummer boy to movies. Okay. You know what movies it's that it's a Christmas thing is the problem. Right. Just pick a really rent. Remember the Adam Sandler Hanukkah song? Man, you would have had it seriously.

How? Uh, not well. Okay. Uh, jingle all the way. Nope. Uh, white Christmas. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Nope, literally all three of those taken.

Jesus, is there any song they haven't made a movie out of? Ooh, ooh, I've got one. He's a my turner! No! No! No! No! Yeah! You just play the, uh, Mr. Griver clip? Yes, I did. Dude, it's a Christmas. No! No! No! No! No!

You just play the uh, Mr. Griver clip? Yes, I did. Dude, it's Christmas. There it is. I know. Merry Christmas. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna start off with the words Rob Lowe really big and up front because apparently somebody told him that just writing real movie was

two on the nose. It's almost on the nose. It's almost before the title. Yeah, right. Might as well be like see. See. Yeah. Exactly. We see his name and then immediately we see Rob Lowe getting out of a car like

they're like, no, not even just for a second. Like he's in this fucking movie. Dude, Rob Lowe, man, you are Sam Seaborne on the West Wing during this Canadian TV movie. Dude Rob Lopman, you are Sam Seaborn on the West Wing during this Canadian TV movie. What the fuck happened? That's so funny. I guarantee you the stage direction when he came out of the car and this very opening scene was Rob, Rob, do the actor face. But yeah, then we get some, we get the nice littlese of fucking opening credits. Yeah, my credit my credit note is my nephew can do that for you It's gonna be stupid to pay somebody Good on the computer. So yeah, so now

Roblo is getting out of his car and and he's got a monologue going like a voiceover going Where he's talking about how his mom died near Christmas. So every year he goes to her grave to be depressed for Christmas. And we're watching him do the thing he's telling us that he does. There's also another guy there being depressed about his dead mom for Christmas too. He runs into a guy who's urinating on his mom. What are the chances? Hey, what's up, man? Dead mom. Yeah. Yeah, you same same. Yep. He deserved it Very fucking Christmas. Yeah, they say Merry Christmas to each other because Trump makes them

Way it is now and and his monologues are at this point and this is so that he says, the smallest things in life could be Christmas miracles, even a pair of shoes. No, no, hear me out, hear me out. And he says, if we're open to believing in any kind of thing, then miracles are possible. And, you know, the dumbest shit can be the premise. Exactly. Tell you about a pair of shoes. This movie is about bear shoes.

Well, and that was funny as he lists a bunch of other dumb premises, almost like the movie's trying them out on you, you know, at least like, how do you think it would be a miracle? A child's laugh, but a dog sliding on the snow. Shoes, shoes. Shoes, shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Okay.

I heard shoes. Shoes. I'm gonna get an item of clothing and a profession. Shoes. Fish lawyer. You got it. Right. Alright, so then we cut to 15 years ago when Roblo was curiously the same age. I was

in the last shot. I love this because in my head, I'm picturing some guy coming over from hair and makeup and being like, we're ready to age you up, Roblo. And he's like, I'm sorry. You saying I want to look exactly like this in 15 years? Do you think maybe your hair will be gray? No. Do you think my hair will be gray? No, it's, it won't be. He is a beautiful, beautiful man forever. Yeah, that's what's right. He's holding up. All right, so Rob Blow is a swell dad,

but he's just so busy with work all the time. You know, we immediately, we meet the daughter going, hey, dad, please don't miss my end of act one thing, okay? Whatever you do. Yeah, her concert. Yeah, he's being a dick about his gameful employment. A really yes. Yeah, typical throughout the fucking movie.

Also, instead of just saying like, Hey, come to my concert, she very specifically says, Dad, bring me flowers tonight. I don't know. It felt like a weird ass. You're like, Dad, will you remove my garter at the end of my middle school concert? I don't know, dad. Those are, I feel like we could draw a distinction between. Yeah, they're so lying between those two. It's all weird. It's not. It is all weird. No, is that a gray area? I've never known a guy who brought his daughter flowers who I wasn't like. He's not okay.

All right, so we cut away from the daughter for a second so he can go talk to his wife. And this is going to be a major conflict in the movie until it isn't. He wants to buy a new house that they saw that's huge and awesome. And it has four fireplaces. Four fireplaces. There are three people in their family, right? Unless you're disposing of bodies, that's excessive. In order for that to be appropriate, this house needs to have like 46 rooms.

Yeah. But yeah, but he's a big time lawyer and And now he's, he's stuck lawyer for farmers all the time. He doesn't get any of the big awesome cases like tobacco companies and cyanide manufacturers or whatever. But he feels like if his wife got a fucking job, then they could afford this big house with the four fireplaces. And she's like, fuck you. He's like, maybe, you know, if we both had income, we could buy more stuff like for our child. And she's like, I'll think about it. You're being a dick.

Can't you just make more money while doing a last word? What? Sorry, I'm a Tim Ferris book. She removes her clothes. She's a Tim Ferris book. No, no, I'm sorry, podcasting won't exist for a while. All right. So now that we've established that, you know, that he wants too much and he's never has time for his daughter because work, work, work all the time, then he heads to work. But on this way out of the coffee shop, a truck drives by and a single shoe box falls out of the back of it. Like it was, like it was scotch taped to the inside of the back door that was left open and they just fly around this corner. Yeah.

He's stupid. Yeah. It's such a lazy, stupid, fucking way of introducing the shoes, especially since there will later not be a reason whatsoever why these shoes would have had to, he delivers them to where they would have gone anyway, right? Yep. Yeah. So Lacey and pointless.

Yeah, but he picks them up and makes it super clear to everyone on the street that he's going to take these shoes to the store. He is not going to jerk off into those shoes. Know what you're all thinking? Well, I'm going to jerk off. No, I'm just going to whatever, if someone, maybe someone else already jerked off into them, I'm not going to check. But whatever state I bring these shoes to the store in, that is they were, that's how I found them.

Well, to be clear, these shoes are destined to be jerked off into a house in already. These shoes appear to be for, I'm going to say an 85 year old Vegas, Gaysha Proximately, I'm just going to wear these. And also just a little detail. It says rush delivery on the shoes. So what the fuck is happening in your life? When you have an emergency Gaysha footwear situation? That is a weird day. I need to somehow look like a prude drag queen stat. Come on.

It's, it's so weird that they would make this whole movie about a pair of shoes and then pick the most ridiculously ugly sequence covered pair of shoes you can imagine, right? Well, Noah, you're forgetting this is on the hallmark channel, the channel for people with no taste. Right. Go to the right channel for people who would wear 85-year-old Vegas gays, she was, no, you're right. You're right. You're right. Withdrawing. All right. So, now we cut to a mom playing football with her son. Yeah. And I got to say say I was wildly impressed with this moment in the movie. Yeah. So first, she actually takes a snap out of the shotgun without a cut. Yeah.

No problem. Takes the snap, doesn't fumble it. And she actually throws the football also no cut. This is already better than the March franchise. The best athlete we've ever seen in any movie. I'm quite surprised. I'm with you and we watched a movie with Brett far of in it, right? Let's do this ball. It wasn't intercepted.

She did not throw a pick six. Nope. Nope. But okay, so she throws the pass, but suddenly in between her and her son is Rob Lowe's car, which means that she says, okay, run across the street. And I'll throw you the ball. Right? Don't look back. Don't be a pussy. I sound the ball. But yes, so she hits Rob Lowe's car.

This is the first of like 39 times that Rob Lowe and this character that the both the mother and the son will like their lives will be intertwined and connected and not pay off later, right? Yeah. At no point will these characters go, I'm so sorry, haven't I run into you like 18 times in the last three days? Yeah, what's your name? Are you following me because it's really hard to imagine how this would otherwise happen?

But the important thing, so he drives on, he gets it, tells him to go fuck themselves and then he drives on and she's out of breath, which is how we know that she's not going to live through this fucking movie, right? Literally anyone who gets a cramp in my life now, I've watched so many of these movies. It's been fucking shakes out of cramp and I'm like, oh, you're not long for this world. Well, trust me. I've seen the movie. Oh, sure.

It's just a bad ankle. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So they go back inside to eat breakfast. This is where we meet. Okay. So the mom is Maggie.

I just have her town is dying mom from this point forward. Her son's name is Nathan and her husband is Jack. Right. Now Jack and the son are arguing over whether they should get a dog. Dad doesn't want him to get a dog, but the son really wants a dog. And the dad presents fantastic evidence. He's like, Hey, remember your fish. You killed it and have left it here for two weeks. Okay, let first of all,

everyone left it there for two weeks, right? Let's not pretend that's just to get, but also goldfish are more disposable than condoms. But there's not a, like, honestly, like, who the fuck hasn't killed a goldfish? And so I've never killed a dog. Okay. I killed my goldfish, but then I threw it out immediately. I don't know what was going on in your house. The whole family didn't flush the fucking, that's all I'm saying. Yeah. All right. But yeah, but that's going to be a huge conflict in this movie as well. The kid wants a dog. The dad doesn't want him to get a dog because he's not responsible enough, right? Mom is on the side of getting the dog. And now that we've established that very important subplot,

dad turns to mom and he's like, hey, any word from the doctor about your being out of breath earlier in this scene and she's like, no, it's early act one, we've just been introduced. Yeah. There's this amazing moment where they're trying to do the hallmark channel version of, you know, if you get our son a puppy, I'll do

outfit stuff, but it can't say that. She's just like, come on. A puppy would be great. Outfit stuff. Don't say outfit stuff. Outfit stuff. All right, well, to be fair, they try for sexual end. You end up later in this movie and they miss so fucking hard that I'm glad they didn't

go for the outfit. They miss so hard. They almost hit glad they didn't go for the out. They miss so hard. They almost hit one of the kids. It's pretty scary. I will get there. All right. So now Jack, the dad of that scene, he heads off to work at his garage, right?

And then we mom apparently is a volunteer at a school. This is the best. So it's just a clumsily written scene, but she is a part of this scene for a solid three minutes before anyone acknowledges her. So all of my notes for this scene are, why is mom in the classroom? Is it just me? Can anyone see her but me? Well, right, because there's already a teacher and students.

And then there's just this weird adult standing over here, like listening to the story, right, because there's already a teacher and students and then there's just this weird adult standing over here like listening to the story too, as though she's just been held back for 31 years and weeping, actively weeping. That's all right, because it's a story about magical shoes and she has a thing for magical shoes. Yeah, and she stops and she's like kind of crying and she explains herself. She's like, oh, it's just a beautiful, beautiful story. Did anybody else like that story? And everybody in the class is just like, no, boo, you're gross. And then you want to one kid with the most giant fat little face that I've ever seen and he just stares at her with pure hate for

like a minute. He's furious about her shitty story. This is lunches at three and it's three oh one one. He's talking. Oh, and it's fucking Hammond. She's bagel day and he is pissed. Yeah. I will tell you right Karen, look me in my fucking eyes. If I get out there and they're half scooping the tots, I'll kill you. I'll kill you in my bare fucking hands. I swear to God. Oh, if they're out of pouches of milk, God help you, Karen. But yeah, so mom's a volunteer at this school. I guess she's a TA at an elementary school. Right.

But the main teacher who is in full mental fucking jacket, y'all, this actor was in full mental jacket. How far he is far? Yeah. Anyway, so he's about to retire to Florida. And he thinks she should go back to school and learn to be a teacher, right? She goes, what are you going to do in Florida? And I want to be like, I don't know.

Get shot by a cop. Come on, man. That's not part of the black character. So yeah. Okay. So meanwhile, Rob Lowe is in his high powered law firm, Farmer lawyer. And it's this is so fucking funny. I wish we'd had Andrew for this one because it's so funny to me that they wanted to present like lawyer having a shitty lawyer ring. So they just gave him farmers for clients. Like, that's what determines how much fun you're having as a lawyer, right? Oh, man, oh, my client, smell funny. The dirty, the pay me in potatoes.

They better go to a currency exchange, potato to dollar sucks right now. And again, they have no idea how to science talk or lawyer talk because they're kind of doing both simultaneously. He's like, I need levels of the nitrogen levels ASAP and get me all the county records. Sorry. What? All to the late 1800s. Yeah.

That's what I'm going to need. I feel when he said that he's like, I need all the water rights going back to the late 1800s for the entire county. I felt like that was a hazing for his new secretary that they were going to reveal later. Like right, she was looking for the ink dryer or something. Right, but the point is that some like wealthy corporation is going to shut down the farms or something like that, right? And they're like teen centers. So I was just like, okay, ski race, like stupid fuck like a snowshoe race across a corn field because this movie is fucking boring, but something like that. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. Well, I mean, I'm impressed that you managed to get that much

out of this movie. I just like his boss comes in and I just heard farm farm farm farm farm farm Latin term. Anyway, so yeah, but they make it very clear. The stakes in this case are that if he loses this case, there will be no more farms in the entire county. You're going to shut down all the farms, no more food for anyone. We will never resolve that story. By the way, if you're wondering whether or not the farm's log is shut down, you can just keep wondering that shit.

They're saving that for the sequel apparently. It's indicated that he gives up on them, but we don't actually see the farmer be like, where the fuck were you, man? We had court. Sorry. My daughter had a concert. Yeah. I'm going to kill my family and then myself. I'm Rob Lowe.

All right. So speaking of the daughter of the concerts, now we cut to the school where Lily, that's Rob Lowe's daughter's daughter character. She's getting ready for the big concert. And Maggie Dyingmom is the teacher for the chorus for the school chorus, as well as being the TA for fourth grade. Yeah. And she's talking to Rob Lowe's wife about like, oh, thanks so much for bowing dear and to help out. And she's like, well, you know, I was a music major until I switched

over to business and traded the twinkle in my eye for a business card. It was weird. Actually took it. I also love to that. She's like, well, thanks for volunteering. She's like, well, you know, I'm a music major. So I'm good at setting out chairs for concerts. Like they teach us that as music majors. We're good at this. And then she says, she says back to dying mom. She's like, what about you? And dying mom says the most pathetic words that have ever been conjoined. She says, well, I'm a music major too in my dreams. Really? You dreamt of a useless education? Dad, I just had a whole extended fantasy about boring someone on a first date about how great giant steps is. Let me tell you. Oh boy. Giant steps. Giant steps. Who's a who wrote giant steps?

Coltrane. Oh, he had the answer. Ready. Yeah, he has a joke about it. Clayter on in the notes here. So I don't know. A couple bars. Sing a couple bars of giant. And I know that it's accurate because I listen to it. Now I'm the piano player who can't do this because my instrument's going to play. Pluck, Pluck, Pluck, Ratio Slur, Pluck, Pluck. These are some great giant steps.

Deep cuts everybody. If you spend an hour googling giant steps, you'll love the jokes I just told Mary Christmas everyone. But meanwhile, back outside of Eli is in. So they, they're getting ready for the concert. Maggie says to, to Rob Lowe's wife, whose name I can't remember the character. She says, well, your husband must sure love your daughter enough to make it to her concert. Huh she's like, no, not in act one early in the movie. So yeah, but no, Rob Lowe's not there. Instead, he's back at the office doing lawyer face, which is amazing.

Oh, I just wrote in my notes. Rob Lowe is trying to remember why he took this movie. All right. So anyway, dying mom is backstage dying. Her son shows up to wish her luck. And she's like holding her stomach, right? Like it's going to fall out from her illness. Oh, if she walked out on stage and shot herself, I would be 100% fine. I was expecting a death fart too, but we didn't get one. Instead she goes up. She's like, Hey, we have a terrific show for you. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. We have your bum ass kids. They are talentless. It's gonna be awful. Oh, that's the worst possible punishment. And she tries to play up how great these kids are. She gives a little speech first. She's like, just everybody knows, the town

chose these very kids to sing at the Christmas tree lighting in the town square. This is the only school in this town. But that's the thing. They're going to sing it that they're very light. Yeah, it's a pretty big deal. As if like, like sometimes they choose the talented chorus of black kids from a few towns overlaid. Yes.

I would happily watch that movie. Little rivalry. And now music we can use for free. Oh, be it. Fuck. Yeah. Right. No, then we get Lily singing America the Beautiful for her solo, which we will hear four fucking

times this goddamn, I mean, you know, for a kid singer, she's fine, but it's a little kid singing. She's not good. That's like there are talented children, but they did not get one for this movie. They were like, no, we used all the talent jar on Rob Lowe. It's going to be my niece and my wife who hates me and free music several times for he's a jolly good fellow is what they saying at the Christmas tree. All right. So then we really drill into meeting Rob Lowe's mom, the grandma character, and apparently she's the next door neighbor of the teacher, right?

That dying mom is the TA for. And there are, is more sexual tension between these two characters, grandma and the teacher, than there are between any two characters in the history of God awful movies. I am so glad I'm not the only one that recognizes that because I kept waiting for mom to be like, I love me some dark meat when they're serving

the turkey at Christmas, but never, it's never, it's implicit. I feel like the people who made this movie knew it because those actors were fucking, so they used it as like a little inside joke. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's not not explicit. And by the way, if you're thinking to yourself, oh, I see his mother lives next door to the teacher and she's the TA for that teacher. Now I can see how their intertwined lives will come together. Nope. That is unrelated. Nope. That will not, they will come to get, but yeah. Um, anyway, okay. They like, like those two characters, we're going to have to talk to each other and they were like, fuck, we're going to have to watch them walk all the way across town if they're not next to each other. So they run next to each

other. I don't know. All right, so then Rob Lowe shows up. So his mom can give him shit for earning a living again. Robert, don't just make money, make memories. And I want to be like, hey, do they take memories at the bank? You know what the current conversion rate on memories is, mom? Yeah, you know what? Memories cost. Good ones anyway. Yeah, you know what? Memories cost. Ha ha ha.

Good ones anyway. Yeah, yeah, right. Um, but yeah, so she gives him the talking to the first of many, like, you know, don't work so hard talking to is that she'll give him. Yeah, you know what they call a workaholic? A fucking legend. That's why how much money have you raised for charity? You scale a tour look and bitch.

Sorry. Sorry. I don't see a lot of people. That's that. So the type by this movie. So Roblo leaves his mom's and then he goes home where his wife can also give him shit for working hard and earning a living. Yeah. He gets home and she's like, so you worked until 8.30 PM. And he's like, yes, I mean, what time is it? Like I left. Who is she? I mean, we hear we are working at 10.45 PM and with most of the movie to go and I'm like, Hey, you know, we got home early. Yeah. Okay. Right. But she's, she's watching the video she took of Lily's big America, the beautiful solo from the concert. So we can hear it again. Right. And being like, well, you should have been into the concert. And he's like, okay, well, did she sound a lot

different than this exact duplicate on video that we have? I feel like I'm watching it. I'm the camera that we bought with the money that we have. I'll be working. Was it a lot different than that? Did you videotape all the other children and not our, oh, you videotape, so I can't experience this. Okay, cool. Just try just, yeah, like, wait,

like, oh, this child is going to be ruined because both fucking parents can't make it to every school function. Jesus. Yeah, it must be rough when these are the problems in your world. You know what happens when your parents make it to every school function? Me. That's what happens. Right home, Mark movie.

And me. Yep. Terrifying. Terrifying. Other into the spectrum? No. We know. Yeah, exactly. Do you want some more Other into the spectrum? No. We know. Exactly.

Do you want some more nights in the middle? I never did, there was, I never did anything extra curricular though. Like there was nothing that my parents could have gone for, like I was like, oh, they would require being in school more. No. All right. So then Rob Lowe has to go beg forgiveness from his daughter who is way less pissed about this than mom and grandma, right?

The daughter's like, well, no, it's a fucking, it's a school concert. It's, I'm not winning anything. Have you seen Eli and Heath come on? They're ridiculous. They're crazy people. They're not okay. They're not at all okay. I'm going to be just one of those normies. One of them was weeping until the moment he hit

play this evening by himself in a dark room. At least one of them. At least one of them. Multi-ball. So different reasons. Yeah, both of us probably know that I think about it. I just made it. So he gets his daughters forgiveness, then he goes back downstairs and we listened to the video of Lily singing some work because we cannot get enough of America, the beautiful, right? All right. So now, dying mom, we cut over to dying mom. She's getting a house call from Dr. Death Diagnosis.

This is the best. It's amazing. I love this. So yeah, the doctor shows up and she's like, I know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, from Dr. Death Diagnosis. This is the best. It's amazing. I love this. So yeah, the doctor shows up and she's like, I know, doctor's still made house calls and he like, he knows going in that he has to explain that she's fucking dying. So he's just like, yeah, just don't talk to me until we get further inside.

Just don't even, I need to get to like a spot before we don't, I don't want you to read anything into what I have my signals. Just get shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Look at some inside. You had so much cancer. I had to come to your house. I have a I have a backhoe full of cancer to deliver to you. Have you ever seen a Christian movie. Yeah. Well, you're a female mom and good luck with that. You say something above a whisper for me? No, no, you can't. I want you to sniffle once. Okay, you see that tumor growing right when you see how that happens. Yeah, it's a bunch of that. And I love dad here. He's so late taking

the hint, right? She goes, he's the doctor says Maggie, you have congestive heart failure. And the dad goes, but how is it fucking Gremlins, man? I mean, God, Jesus, how do you have heart failure? Fuck you. And then he goes like, he's like, but what does that mean? And he's like, can you not hear the violin? This is a hallmark movie. She's dying. Take two of these and call me in the morning. What do you mean? What does that mean?

This from the guy who thought the doctor stopped by to talk about the flu. It means your heart's fucking shitty. I don't know. I would we're not in a major city. You're going to have to go to a major city to get anything. Yeah. Who's right? He has, he has to go to Boston for more tests and you can only imagine what kind of doctor they have there. Hi, uh, Dr. Walberg, my wife and I are here for the appointment. Oh, yeah, come on in.

Wow. Oh my god. You heard a fucking knocking. You said come in. Yeah. I was talking to the guy in the pond. I was watching. I think we should leave right away. Honey, my heart. Okay. Okay. Sit the fuck down. Sit the fuck down. Okay. I'm Dr. Wahlberg. Thank you for coming to the beautiful city of Boston. Yeah. I like how everywhere. It looks like a church is back yard. That is on purpose. So listen to me. I don't want to get too technical, but sir, your wife's blood ball sack is in bad shape. Do you mean heart?

When you said that, well, graze anatomy over here. I watch that show because I'm a woman. So listen, if you look at this diagram here, yeah, you can see just how serious the situation is. Oh, my. This here, you've drawn a heart, you drew a heart like the shape, like the hearty shape, like a kid draws, and a bunch of very racist caricatures of Asian people attacking it with weapons. That's what I'm going to.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to beat him up for you. Great. Yeah. So we're going to go. That was my first instinct. Okay. Awesome. Enjoy Boston. Make sure you check out our sad fish prison. He means aquarium. Yeah. He means aquarium. Okay. Now that would have saved this film that absolutely would have saved the film. They got Rob Lowe. Okay. All right. So now Lily is practicing singing because apparently 15% of this movie is little kids singing. And Rob Lowe comes in now he is very wearing his I showed up for the fucking movie, didn't I shorts?

Right. And he tells his wife that he has set up a job interview for her at 10 a.m. that day after their conversation where she said she'd think about getting a job. Everyone in this conversation is wrong. He's like, hey, surprise job interview. And she's like, I guess cookies are just going to bake themselves. You can't buy cookies, Robert. And the little girls like, well, if you work, I'll never see you again.

No, no, honey, that's dying. That's another mom in this movie. That's jail. Yeah. So the daughter gets pissed, the mom gets pissed, the dad, everybody's pissed off. their mom in this movie. That's jail. Yeah. So the daughter gets pissed, the mom gets pissed, the dad, everybody's pissed off. The daughter storms, or she's like, if you get a job, I'll never see any of you. Now, I'm going to go to my room and be warm despite the fact that it's cold outside. Wait, oh, wait, I get it. I get it now. I see. I understand.

Cool. I get an upper middle class white people. It's the worst. I hate this. in cool. I get an upper middle class white people's the worst. I hate this. All right. So meanwhile, dying mom goes to quote unquote work. She's volunteer, but she goes to the school to tell the teacher that she has a bum ticker and will need a heart transplant, right? And when she goes for the heart transplant, she has to go to Boston to see Dr. Walberg. So she'll need this teacher to take care of her kit. What? Right. Hey, if I get a page at school, will you watch my child for an indeterminate amount of time?

That seems weird. Not only is his answer, yes, but his answer is like, well, I will take him to a woman you don't know and leave him there. And I haven't talked to her about it, but I feel just fine volunteering her to care for someone else's child. Yeah. Have you thrown a football into any cars? Because that might relate to the woman I'm thinking, you know, her son might be in a car that goes past her. I don't know. I'm just throwing the stuff out there, but not completely unknown. All right. So now, okay. So dying mom has to go teach her chorus class, despite all the dying,

and she can barely even get the kids attention with her dying all over the place. I mean, it is so ridiculous how much they overplay the dying mom thing here. Oh, it's amazing. She sings silent night to get their attention. And I wanted so badly for her to fall over dead from singing. No, too hard for. Yeah. And she's a bad singer too for a music teacher, especially like, I mean, heart problems are no excuse for bad pitch. Like that's not a huge pitch. I have no sympathy. Also, she

sings silent night and the kids all go silent. But when I sing in a classroom, I'm kicked out of the district and it's different because I sang, let me smell your dick. It's a whole thing. Yep. Yep. It is. So, okay. And I plan why.

And again, pictures and he had charts and the whole thing, but no, apparently none of its sunk in. All right. So at the same time, the lilies mom has brought some notes or something that lily left that she forgot that morning. So that she can be in the room when she's so very clearly sees that Maggie is dying from, you know, Christian movie mom might is. And she has to tell us the dying mom tells non dying mom she's like, you you're gonna have to take over the class as chorus teacher. And she's like, no, this is not, you don't pass a torch as you fall dying on this.

There's a whole, this panel has a thing. You're right. Yeah. I took like a few music classes in college. I can't really do that. And then dying mom's like, but you have the heart of the too soon. I'm dying part of it. I mean, I'm gonna get jokes about that too soon. I'm dying apart. I'm not making jokes about that.

I think I'm going to make jokes. Also, this woman is in doubt that she can do a thing with children. You could do anything with children. You're an adult. I'm 100% confident I could be in charge of anything that children are a part of anything. Legally, I don't think so. Hey, hey, he's mom. How do you like a guy Eli saying that he could just do your job because it has children in it and

therefore is easy. Here's the trumpet. Go home and don't practice. He in four years when you're gone forever. Right, but there's this weird moment where Lily's mom has this whole like, but I promised I'd never go back to that life. She's not Harry Hanzo or something of fucking chorus teachers, but these kids need to keep violating the spirit of the first amendment. They have to have to do this. And I'm dying of the heart thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I wanted the kids to come in the next day, just like singing. If I only had a heart from Wizard of Oz. What? I'm gonna talk about this. Yeah, you made that pun yesterday. Come on. We thought you were ready for this shit. All right. So that night, Lily and her mom are decorating for Christmas. And they asked her like, look into the Christmas box. They're like, huh, it's that pair of shoes from early and act one. Your dad still has it. Return them. I bet they'll come back into the plot at some point, just reminding you they are still.

Muguffin established. Yeah. And Roblo comes in and they have an interaction about her not going to that job interview, but it's like she, you know, mischievously destroyed the career he set up for her. Like it's, it's like he's like, oh, the garbage is all over the front walk. You got to close the recycling bins and not, not show up for job interviews. I set up for you with no notice. Well, again, everyone's wrong, right? Like he did the wrong thing. He's having the wrong reaction. She's responding in correctly to it. The daughter just started standing on her head and reading Zen coans. Yeah, it's so fucking stupid. But she's like, no, no, I can't get that high paying job and get the four fire place house. I'm going to volunteer at the

school to lead the chorus class instead of having a job. And Rob Lowe's reaction is so amazing. She's like, I need to volunteer for the course. She's dying. And he's like, yeah, that is not your problem. She's like, it's a volunteer position. Still not, not your problem. I don't understand. Keep talking. Tell me when it involves you. She's dying. You touched that one. You know what? Help fund schools is people with jobs. That's just thoughts. You go, is why can't somebody else do it? And she's like, are you serious?

We're the only fucking characters in this movie and in this universe. Later when your car breaks down, it's gonna, you're gonna go to fucking Nathan's dad with it. I mean, come on. And, and she's like, you know, he's like, but I want a bot giant bucket house with four fireplaces. We barely have room in this gigantic house that we're standing in for the grand PN. Oh, I'm standing in front of as we have this fight. Feel like that's doing fine anyway.

Yeah. But he stops being a like, he starts getting angry, but then string starts swelling up. He's like, oh, I'm calm down now. I'm going to be introspective. Right? I just want him to be like, all right, you know what? I'll work less. You eat less food. I'll be home by five. And you guys take up 50% of the income instead of 100. So and he goes like, and she goes like, but this giant house that's not our dream. That's your dream He's like, no, it isn't it's not my dream and then it's like, well then nobody wants to fucking house What are we even bitching about and there's this amazing moment where you think she's gonna ask his dreams

But it's the hallmarked shadows so she does it He's like you ever think about my dreams and she's like this is a movie for women's He's like, you ever think about my dreams? And she's like, this is a movie for women's shush. You're mean. James Vanderbick walks in. I don't want your dreams. All right. So now we have the scene where like, dying mom's kid wakes her up in the middle of the

night to make sure she's not dead yet. Wakes is seriously sick, parent. Hey, hey, you okay? No, and significantly worse because of this. It's so cool. Sleep would just be just a reminder I'm doing bad in school. All right, so now we've got to really move the shoe plot along. So the next day Rob goes to the department store to return those shoes. The best interaction in the book. Cause

look, the writers have trapped themselves. So the old man Winkleberry who owns the store is just like, gee, thanks. I'll sell these stranger. Bye. Yes. Right. Well, and even it, look, it was a rush delivery to his store. He's like, huh, I don't remember ordering these shoes. I haven't paid for them, but I will take them from you and sell them for a profit. I am not a geisha on the strip of Vegas at all. He's not for me, Rush delivery. That's weird. That's crazy. Yeah.

They shoes they, they seem like they would fit a man and make him look like really lengthy and beautiful, even if just for a moment, don't mother screams his name for a man. But I'll sell them, I'll sell them in my own store. I want other people to come up and like hand him a Jesus pamphlet and he's like I will sell this in my story picks up snow off the ground free snow cone ingredients nailing it All right, so but then Rob ghostly, but his car won't start now the old store guy says hey, you know what? I know a great car won't start guy He's one of the other five people in the universe. Seamless intertwining of power for God. Damn. Reese. Yeah. Yeah. So he takes his car to Jack's garage. Nathan's dead dying

mom's husband takes the car of his garage so that we can have some contrast between working man blue collar Jack and lawyerly white collar workaholic rob blow. Right. They're trying to figure out like, what is the, what's a fancy dick one is mechanic to do? And someone's like, I don't know, probably protect his car from the weather. Well, yeah, right. No, because like as he leaves, Rob Lois, like, hey, could you put a cover on my car while it's sitting in this greasy ass garage? And he's like, oh, Mr. Hottie, Tony needs a car. How are we, I guess, a lot of, but still, still don't ever ask a mechanic to do that. No, like you're there's

going to be come in your car somewhere now. It's your fault. There's going to be a bunch of come in your car. Getting the fucking oil changes regularly. Yeah. And so but Rob Lowley's in just then they get a page on the wife's heart transplant page. Right. That's right. So he runs out of the door because that'll change how quickly he gets to Boston. If he runs out of the door rather than walks in a brisk pace, just to Boston. Ah, I'm so fucking sorry. We literally gave that hot like 20 seconds ago to a different person. If only you would run. Did you walk by any chance at any point in your journey? How fast are you capable of running?

Let's see it right now just so we know. Race. Yeah, that wouldn't have been. It wouldn't have been mattered. I'll tell you what, you race me right now. You beat me. I'll give you a kidney and I'll put it to your heart coach. That's good for sex stuff.

Oh, Jesus. All right. So they run off the Boston and that means that little Nathan is stuck with his teacher and Rob Lowe's mom, right? And Dornat, he's been a real bitch about his dying mom, but teach is going to make the best of it. It's the best. It's like just you and me, kid.

Um, you want to hear about the time me and the black Panthers planned and pulled off a series of high ranking police assassinations? I'll tell you the comment on the KKK. I was a full metal jacket. Did you know that? I'm just. And seen counterpoint. Have you heard the story of Bernie Gets?

I'm just saying there's no such a surprise. No, but the actual conversation they have is the kid says he ever knows someone who died and this adults for reasons we'll learn later is like nope Yeah, I know is still alive I could be on the old knee with the immortals. Yeah, he's in his 50s. He's like no, everyone's still alive. Yep All right, so then we have to cut over to Lily's mom. She's gonna try her first day leading the choir. It's the best. Yeah, she goes full football coach on them, right?

Like first she kind of stumbles around a little bit, but then she's like, oh wait, if I make fun of the fat kid, we can all be friends. Okay. I just wrote my notes. Would it help if I bully baby? Yeah, okay. You're describing the kid with the enormous, enormous face that I was talking about earlier. So that's fun.

But yeah, she makes one of him directly. She's like, sorry, I'm new at this. I don't know what to say. He got, remember when Troy fucking barfed right on the stage? Classic. Laugh at Troy now. Look at his face. Look at this fat fucking face.

Look at it. I'm squeezing it. I'm shaping it. It's different shape now. I made it from like, Classic laugh at Troy now look at his face look at his fat fucking face No, yeah, I'm squeezing it. I'm shaping it. It's different shape now. I made it from like were you knighted? Are you knight and all right? I'm allowed to put my hands on him because it's the 90s Also, she has this amazing moment where she's like we're not gonna let miss Andrews down And I wanted her so badly to be like her heart is zing Awesome, who's next I get no respect. Oh and I wanted her so badly to be like, her heart is zing. Got it. Awesome. Who's next? I get no respect. Oi.

And then, yeah. So but then she starts teaching them to sing which by the way, her teaching style is to say one, two, three and then sing in a totally different time than the one that she just counted. Like, she doesn't know why they do that. We're lucky they don't just count down. Three, two, one. Launch song. All right.

So meanwhile in Boston, dying mom is going in for her heart transplant. Now for some reason she's like, who's the donor and they're like a teenage boy whose puppy will sure miss him. No, no, but like he's white. He's white. You were going to ask your ass trace. Yeah, I got him. Hey, at least the kid gets to be inside a woman, double thing, honor roll. Yeah. So she's going in for surgery. And back in the hometown, teach is showing Nathan to the house of these strange old lady that he's going to entrust Nathan to she has a lot of Christmas lights in her yard because you know what they say about old women with

a lot of decorations in their yard being extra sane. Okay, wait. Dix bigger. Some people do lots of decorations and. I feel like, but, but they're not extra sane and no one would accuse them of being so. That's fair. Yeah, but of course this is a movie for old lady with a lot of shit in her front yard, right?

So obviously the hero at character of this movie would be old lady with a lot of shit in her yard. So she comes in and she or Nathan comes in and old lady shows them to her like, you know, whatever mazzolium for Rob Lowe's childhood. And it's the best. This was 2002, by the way, this movie came out 2002. So it's made in like 2001. So what we're seeing is a room full of bullshit Red Sox crap.

It's just full. And so this is just a shrine to failure at this point. Huge shrine of losing for a fucking century. It's the best. Yeah, I wrote, he's a Red Sox fan. I'm okay with his mom dying now. It was so funny is that it made perfect sense in 2002, not so much anymore. It just seems like a dick move at this point. Because mom says, so what's your favorite baseball team, Nathan, he says red socks. Uh, and she goes, ooh, so sorry. So sorry. I was so happy. I thought you were. Oh, I wanted to just like take out a bunch of Yankee shit and be like, fuck you every time, right? See, dance

in this face. You got a handful of world series rings. They just given him away. Now we've got so many. You know, open your mouth. I throw one in. I still got 26 after you had that one. Seven job. What? Two stories. None.

And as she's showing him through her fucking Red Sox childhood room, she finds she comes across Rob Lose Old Lunchbox, which sends her into a series of memories that we will never get context for, right? Like it's not like we then see a memory involving this lunch box. Ready? She has a flashback and we are not privy to it. No. Are you having a flashback?

Cause we didn't shoot any of that footage. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you can't just say it. It does. That's not how this works in the real world. Mysterious. Yeah, this movie's a lot like pulp fiction, too. This is like myself as well as this briefcase. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly. All right. So now we cut back to dying mom turns out they didn't give her a new heart after all. Because the child donor had hapsi. Apparently, yeah. What the fuck? Okay, I think I know what happened. I think I know what happened.

Why didn't they do the procedure? Yeah, I have no idea. I don't know. Hello? Hey, it's me, Dr. Walberg. Are you guys fucking in here? Dr. Walberg, what happened? Oh, this guy, he fucking stole my pocket spot. It's fine. I'm going to heal up in a couple of days. No, no, no, no, no, no. Obviously with my wife's procedure.

Oh, oh, yeah. So we're about to do it, right? I'm speaking to the anti-snizaeologist, right? No, what? What? Oh, yeah, so we're about to do it, right? I'm speaking to the anti-snesialogist, right? No, what? What? Oh, sorry. He's a guy who knocks your wife out so she doesn't sneeze during the operation. Nope.

Nope. And he sees the donor, right? And he's like, I fucking know this kid. He's got fucking happy. So yeah, I had no new blood ball sack for you. Her donor had hepatitis B. I thought it was a teenager. Yeah, that doesn't seem very likely. He was an altaboy for two churches.

Oh, that'll do it. A terrible city actively covered up child rape. Yeah, yeah, they did. That was true. They didn't. That's a bad city. So they like brought her into the OR and opened her the fuck up and then they were like, oh, did anybody look at the heart yet?

I feel like they did check that first. Is this? Yeah, it's like an evil sorceress heart. It's like, it's not even their right species. I think I don't even know if this is human. This was a whole lot of that dude in Indiana Jones two. Here's a little I know about things in general. I was like, but if they gave her a heart with hepatitis C, wouldn't they just then have to cure the hepatitis? That's

seems like it would be better. I feel like having hepatitis is better than being dead, though, right? Thank you. Yeah, let's take the heart and fix the hepatitis was what I was thinking at this point. Yeah. And so the dad, of course, he can never quite fucking get it. He's like, but there will be another heart, right? And the doctor's like, are you fucking kidding me?

This is a hallmark movie, dude. How many, you think we had a spare just in case this one, we didn't call you for that one. We called you for that one. We called you for this one and now you get the runner-ups. All right. So now we have to cut back to Rob Lowe's place where he's going to tell his wife that he's going to make an offer on that house one way or the other. Damn it.

And again, this conversation, everyone is wrong and everyone's insane. He's like, I'd like to know your long-term plans right now. And she's like, I love coloring. But look, I mean, these people are not in the market for a house. Right? Like if we were establishing that there was something wrong with the house they were in, it would make, this is an insane conflict. Right? Yeah. All right, so, but basically he's in,

but after this Christmas music bullshit, you're gonna get a job, right? I can go ahead and buy my four fireplace house, right? And she's like, I, like mooching off of you, though. I feel good about that. I feel like I feel like I get weight more fortnight in than I would have had a job, but right now. Really? Right before Smash Brothers comes out, you I would have had a job right now. Really?

Right before Smash Brothers comes out, you need me to get a job classic you, classic you. I'm going to get beaten by a bunch of Japanese kids online if I listen to you. It's South Koreans. They got no lag. That's happening either way. Yeah. No, yeah. So yeah, but then you know, she's like, you know, but if I get a job,

then I'll never see our daughter and he's like, nope, that's not how jobs go. And you're thinking of death. What happened? And she's like, but I want to go get my teaching certificate and teaching our daughter's school. And he's like cool, cool daughter will be out of school by the time you get that certificate.

Is it the building? Are you a fan of the building? Yeah, but the key though is he's going to make an offer on that house one way or the other. He doesn't give a shit if she wants it or not. Right. And she's like, you can live there on your own. And I wanted a flash cut to just take those old records off the shit.

Lidie. Do you and rails off a hooker stomach? No, you're supposed to be sad. Oh, for God. Sliding from one fireplace to the other in his socks. Yeah, exactly. Okay. So then she goes to visit Lily's mom, Rob Losewife, goes to visit dying mom.

Right. And dying mom opens this scene by saying, I've been dying to talk Christmas music. Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry. This woman self burns in every scene until she does. Literally every scene. She's like, I'm just trying to take the pulse of the room.

Damn it. Sorry, my heart's not in it. God. I think I'm dying right now. No, just get pump fake. Heart nailed it. I think I'm dying right now. No, just get pump fake. Heart nailed it. Pump fake. All right, but Willie's mom has an idea. She tells the Maggie, the dying mom. She's like, Hey, you know, we were supposed to sing at the tree lighting. And I know that the town

was expecting us to do that. But fuck that. Let's go caroling. Yeah. We're going to do the only thing worse than a bunch of children at the tree lighting, a bunch of children outside your house that you must slap a frozen smile on for. So and Maggie loves that idea. She thinks it's a great idea. And Rob Lowe is still loyering super, super hard, so hard that he yells at other lawyers. It's the bad. Again, he's very clearly, they were like, oh, I haven't do one of those West Wing freak

outs. And Roblo was like, the script you wrote for me was, I need a different fish farmer, dammit. When a fish farmer, a fish farmer, you're like, yeah, but do it like, do it like you're saying it to Toby. Right. Get it together, Gwen, you bitch. It's forming is what we're talking about.

So good. You're the best actor in this movie. So so many grandmothers are going to fall asleep to your acting. It's good. Well, the fuck did Brad Whitford keep his job? And I mean, whatever. It's fine. It's fine.

All right. So yeah, so he yells at the other layer and then his secretary gives him the box from his mom. He's like, Hey, she's like, Hey, open this at the end of act three. And he's like, okay, she's like, also, there's a realtor on the line to completely diffuse the central conflict of this movie off camera, right? Because the realtor calls her says you made it off from the house. No, a bigger offer came through. You can't have the house. And he's like, well, then what the fuck is

this movie about then? What? Tell me what is to do in this movie right now. The legal plot was heating up a second ago. I think you guys are skipping over that seems like that's going to go great. How about that lunch box? Maybe there'll be some mysteries in, I've got to go. It's empty. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Okay. So we come back to dying mom and non-dying mom chilling together.

And we see dying mom's husband come in and do it on her. And she's like, Lily's mom, the non-dying mom is like, Oh, I wish I was dying of congenitive heart failure. Your husband's great. My husband's dick. Okay. Was it just me or dude, you guys think they were about to plot to murder Rob Lowe for his heart? That's where I thought this conversation was going. Oh, he still could have saved it. That would

have made a lot of sense, especially because like right after that, they introduced that he squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle. Oh, you are fucking Hitler. Diet. I should die the worst. You used to fucking by, oh my God. I do that. So Anna got me my own truth. I hate you so much. You don't deserve toothpaste.

Someone should take your heart and give it to somebody who doesn't do that to the toothpaste. He like, on you're going to wake up in an ice bath and me and Noah just laughing. All my teeth out. Yep. Ice bath just because we wanted you to be cold because it's fun. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, if we take your heart, you wouldn't wake up. Are you teeth chattering?

Oh, you don't have any. No, I am chattering on though. I haven't been around. So yeah, so they discuss how bad her husband is going to be at her dying. And eventually like the Willy's mom, the non-dying mom is like, okay, you're dying as a bummer of a subject. Can we talk about my husband's toothpaste habits more than really were on me? The awkward chitchat is so stupid.

Yeah. She's like, so how long have you been married until you're dying? Sorry. Just the first part of my sentence. How long have you been married until you're dying? Sorry. Just the first part of my sentence. How long you've been married? And she tries to like bright side it. She's like, I mean, my husband is at least, at least my husband would be fine if I was dead, right? Like that's one nice thing about him. He'd be like nuts and he'd snap his fingers and then Start fucking the nanny and then she's really ready for what makes this so awkward as she's talking about Lily's mom

I was talking about what a great husband Maggie's husband is and she's like yeah, he's gonna be available in three or four days I mean Oh, like swapsies. It's like I'm kind of like a Wall Street trader who's about to retire. You can dump some shitty trades in a line and fix the whole situation. Let me ask you a question. How do you feel about emptying the spit valve, you know what I'm saying? All right.

You need a good pair of rubber gloves. It's a good one. All right. So now teacher is bringing Nathan home, right? And Nathan is complaining, he's like, I don't want my mom to die. And the teacher's like, Oh, God, Jesus, are you still on about that?

He's trying, he's like, yeah, well, you know, maybe your mom dying is like roommate dying in college and you get straight A's. What? Huh? Bless side. Think about how easily'm going to grade you from here on out. Get out of my car now. Okay. We're done.

Brum, brum. I'm driving away. I live next door. So this is hard for me. Okay. So, yeah, like should dying mom and non dying mom are still talking. They're talking about how every year Maggie's husband would take her out dancing and she had these special magical dancing shoes that sure were the bees knees and only if she had a pair of

shoes like that again. And just then that's when her son walks in and he has an idea. And just then that's when her son walks in and he has an idea. But first the other mom, the not dying mom's like, oh, cool. Dancing. That's amazing. Pablo sucks. Can you do like, could you describe his penis? Oh, hey, Nathan. Just talking about your dad's penis. I couldn't think of anything. Say it different word.

I feel like he was talking about his penis though, right? Because at the end of this scene, Maggie says, dying mom says, and I quote, they're talking about how great Jack or husband is. And she says, you know, he's not too bad with a wrench in his hand either. And they both laugh like that was a sex thing. I feel like that's not a sex thing. Eli, is that a sex thing? Not for these women, it's not.

I mean, that is what that is dick game all the way. She loves that wrench. Absolutely. That's sex. What? Rent, shit. What? You guys don't get into wrenches. You're telling me I'm okay.

Okay. You were alone. Do you ratchet it somehow? What are you ratcheting? I don't get into wrenches. You're telling me I'm okay. Okay. You were alone. Do you ratchet it somehow? What are you ratcheting? I don't know. I had no fucking idea what they meant by any of them. I feel like they just thought that the wink makes something sexual. Absolutely.

They had never realized that there actually was a double entendre behind that. They just figured that tone of voice with any words being said counted. Yep. Because the director walked on set and he was like, all right, ladies, now this scene. Sorry, I'll have to think about it. It's going to end up with saucy. I want you to end the scene by talking about. You know what I'm saying?

Little bit of the, huh? Do you mean proper technique for using a wrench? Is that what you're using right there? No, that's what I mean. Wink. Okay. This is a hallmark movie. I'm not allowed to say what I mean.

So sure. Giant steps, right? Rotating fifths. All right. So Nathan runs to town on a mission-defined dancing shoes. Damn it. He goes to Wilson's department store, that very same store where Rob Lowe dropped off those very same shoes at the beginning of this movie. None of this will

ever connect. He is searching for these shoes like he hid his cocaine in them. He is. Yeah, he's got to find the exact right shoes. Yeah. And again, dancing shoes. Yeah, he's got to find the exact right shoes. Yeah. And again, dancing shoes. Yeah. He's like, my mom's heart is about to explode. It's time to get her some dancing shoes. That would be a hilarious way to go. It would be like the end to kill Bill. Yeah.

This is the restoration hardware face pillow. She look great. That's a weird item, but cool. Okay. Right. So he finds the perfect shoes. They're only $20, but he doesn't have enough money. So he runs over to dad's shop. His garage in hopes that he can get a job. It just so happens that Rob Lowe's there checking on his car and the kid and Rob Lowe interconnect again. No, this will never matter. Never at any point. Like they might as well be part of a weird roob Goldberg machine where Roblo reaches

for his coffee and it spills off and a guy slips and the kid lands on the skateboard and then he falls into his arms and look directly into each other's eyes and then they're like, yeah, I was saying I need these shoes and you jobs. It's a large string of coincidences moving on. Yeah. So Rob Loneys to bitch about the bill and there's a line here that I just have as a fucking what is this really what he says? I feel like what Rob Loneowe says to Jack to dying mom's husband is with money like that for an injector. No wonder you're dying. Yeah. He means the garage,

but we've been hearing about this dying woman so much. I, because we never hear that the garage is in any, in any trouble, right? Cause we'd never hear that the garage is in any trouble, right? Nope. $500 for a fuel injector. My wife is alive. I will see you later. I just, I, I so didn't get that. Yeah. Okay. So now the son realizes that his, his way of making the 20 bucks is going to be to pick up cans and get the five cent deposit on them. Or you could just steal 20 bucks or ask someone or have anybody give you 20. Yeah. Well, if you tell them what you're doing, they'll just, yeah. If at any point in this movie, this child didn't speak in riddles except for the very end, there

would be no conflict to it. He just be like, I'd like to buy dancing shoes for my dad. I have the money. Yeah. Right. Right. All right. So Rob Lowe is off to lawyer for those farmers. I have no idea what that happened in this scene because there was a weird, we're freeze-up

thing on YouTube. But I had to skip ahead of this to a different. Does not fucking matter. No, no, I was never like what's going on now. That video freeze could have happened 19 different times in this. Just what I shortened our notes. And when it comes back, farmers just like I just want you to know that if you don't win us, humble Trump supporters will to learn a skill that is in 12,000 years old. Please, please get out there and take that field. Well, and so here's the thing though, and that's what's so god damn weird about this movie,

is that if instead of Rob Losekin, we focused on one of these farmers, kids, this is a completely different movie. Right. Alright, so meanwhile, mom's full on deathbed now. Nathan is decorating his dying mother with lights and ornaments. Get off the fucking shed. Stop decorating your mom's like, the death lights are beautiful. They are. And he's like, sorry, yes, I beautiful death lights, but get the fuck off the shed, though. Get off the bed. Grab a Dodge Stranis. And then he has this weird pseudo-humor moment where he's like,

I sure I'm a bad parent without you. I mean, that's going to be fine. Don't worry about it. Be it him for months after you die. I'll give him flowers. Yeah. First, all right, well, given the hefty emotional impact of this movie, I'm sure the listeners are going to need a couple of minutes to compose themselves. We're going to pause for a quick break. But first, let me give act three, the hard sell will the fact that Robert went to Jack's garage ever factor into the plot. How about the fact that Robert Shumam is the one watching the kid? How about the fact that the shoe is fell out of the truck in the first place? Nope. Nothing will ever factor into the plot. Find out what happens

instead when we return for the comically morbid conclusion of the Christmas shoes. Yeah. Nothing will ever factor into the nothing is what's gonna. Yeah, right. I don't know, math puzzles. How about, Frank? Hey, Joe, what you doing with all those cans? Oh, what are my students? This collected cans, and I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to help them out a bit. Oh, well, what's he saving up for? Shoes for his dying mom. Sorry, did you say shoes for his dying mom? Yeah, well, you know, he thinks

he's really gonna like these sparkly $20 shoes. So he's gonna call it. He's just giving the money. What are you doing? Here, I have $20. Give him these $20. Oh, no, no, the cans is going to be fun. Just think of the look on his face

when he sees all these cans. What can I say? Wait, where'd you get a garbage bag full of empty cans? Anyway, well, it, it wasn't on a 16 day blackout drink and binge. If that's what you're asking, it's some milk. Okay. Well, it feels like that's exactly what it is now that you said that. Um, also explains why all the cans are perhaps blue ribbon. No, I'm just doing something

for one of my students, you know, all the kids, the love the kid. Oh, you know what I just remembered? Bottle's are good too, aren't they? Come on, man. Just a liquor store. Don't, don't, come on. Teacher. Heh heh heh heh heh. And we're back for more of this shit.

When we last left our heroes, most of them were dying and what's worse, one of them was gainfully employed. Anyway, so now we're gonna rejoin Lily, what's worse, one of them was gainfully employed. Anyway, so now we're going to rejoin Lily Roberts, wife, Robert's mom and the teacher all singing Christmas carols over at Granny's house. There were so many characters in this scene. I thought they were all going to have to be like facing different directions, not to acknowledge that they're all connected. Yeah. So they're having their Christmassy thing going on and Rob Lowe shows up and immediately everybody hates him.

They're just like, hey, fuckface. And he's like, I was saving the jobs of like 200 poor farmers. No big deal. You worry you will say you, that's a giggle, but how many dicks did you suck while you're saving the job? There's fancy farmers. I am very confused by what's happening right now. Well, luckily for him, mom's there to clear up that confusion.

She's going to give him a good talk into over some pot roast about why his wife hates his fucking guts. It's the best. I so wanted him to just be like, because he's like, you know, mom, things are different now, and I wanted him to be like, things are different now. I mean, dad, dad got to hit you when he was a man. You got a lot.

Like legally. That is true. So what I need you to do is go down on your wife better. Not much better. Well, see, that's what I was expecting. I was expecting her to give some real advice. Have some pot roast, son. Wow, mom, this is really good.

Now look at me. John, I'm not blind. No, I'm not deaf. I can see you and her having problems. Well, I mean, mom, things are a little different now. John, can I ask you a question? Sure. Are you eating ass, son?

Uh, am I eating ass, taking out the kitty litter, catty, shack and the rough? Stop. No, I heard you. It's just it was jarring. Sun, I might be old fashioned. I mean, things weren't always easy for your father. Please stop. Just whatever you matter. What happened? I knew at the end of the day, your father would come after my butthole, like a bigot of trough. Oh my God. Please stop. John, listen to me. I am your mother. And if you want to save your marriage, this Christmas,

you will staple some mistletoe to your wife's lower back and you will tongue punch her a fart box so good she won't need to wipe for a year. Worked for your father and it could work for you. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, I'm gonna go kill myself. None of that. Yeah, I'm gonna go kill myself. None of that.

Ain't a Linguist, people. That is how you keep a marriage happy. I've been married for 21 years. My wife and I still work together and everything. Key to a happy marriage. People always ask me, they're like, what's the key to a happy marriage? And I'm just like licking her asshole.

And then they're like, well, of course, that. So. She's got a giant steps on that butthole. So yeah, no. But keep in mind, okay. So once again, what we're watching here is we're watching the movie for old lady with too much shit in her yard. And the moral of the story is, you're sure lucky you're married to a blue collar guy who works at a fucking auto garage because if you had some rich lawyer husband, he'd never be there for you and the kids, he'd be fucking around with a bunch of farmers and shit. It's the fact she literally ends her monologue with your father died full of regrets. Merry Christmas.

All right. You see what I'm showing you right here? This is the clitoris. It's called the clitoris. I need to work it. I've made it out of a pot roast. Now, you can see I baked a cookie here to remind you, you don't want to over focus on this. It's a boat with a little man in it. I'm lakes right apart. All right. so now it's time to scoop yet more sexual attention onto the relationship between granny and the teacher, right? He's leaving her house for the day. She's trying to talk him into coming back in and, you know,

maybe working out a few of her folds before. Uh, Katherine, nightcap? Come on, black thunder. Let's get in here. Right, but teacher, he's got a bag full of cans, right? So the little kid, Nathan is looking for enough cans to buy the Christmas shoes. So the teacher has collected 16,000 aluminum cans in the 24 hour since. Oh, I wanted so bad for a flash cut to someone being like, honey, is that your teacher going through the garbage for pants? We should leave this town. No, that's the

one other black guy. That was pretty racist. Oh, Ving Rames. Why are you in this place? All right. And then there's this great scene where again, unintentional humor, Nathan is like, Hey, while my mate at Christmas card, for you look in my Christmas cards, you're dead. Oh, a little early kiddo. The drama. Trots. Trots. Trots.

Trots. Trots. Trots. Trots. Trots. Trots. Trots. Trots. Oh, you don't like that? Okay, don't look on the back because that's you as a corpse. It's just that. I guess you rotting because I don't know if you go to heaven or hell, you might go to hell. That's in the middle pages. So just ignore it. Yeah. So, but, but mom has told me she's like, Hey, honey, by the end of this act, I'm going to be dead. So don't freak the fuck out. All right. And so the

kid has to have the mom. Why is God going to take you to heaven? And she's like, well, so that you can be a movie atheist later, honey. Jingle keys Nathan. Jingle keys. Yeah. And he's like, why is God killing him? She's like, right? So cool. Right? Look at mysterious. Woo. Yeah. I love her jingling keys about how God isn't taking me. He's receiving me. Yeah. That's stupid distinction. I wanted him to be like, so, okay, God's not taking you. He's receiving you. I guess then you could say, shh, no, no, you could not say whatever it is. No, there are no follow ups to things in these movies. You cannot logically follow

up things we say. Honey, mommy is taking God. What? Turn up, mommy's morphine. I'm riding the dragon out of here. I love to the kid goes, he's like, well, when you get to heaven, can you get a message to dead grandpa for me? And kid goes, he's like, well, when you get to heaven, can you get a message to dead gram, but for me, and she's, she's like, sure, and that there are so many good messages that kid could have. They don't go with one of them. I wanted him to be like, tell him his patriots are overrated bullshit whose dynasty was carved out for them

by the 2002 division realignment. It's not me and by cheating, and cheating and a little bit of cheating. See, I was thinking just very simple. Will you tell grandpa, fuck you? Look him right in the eyes when you say it too. I don't, will he be old or like young? Like a child. If he's a child, will you hit him? I mean, he only received my virginity if we're being tech. So I'm, I'm fucking you. All right.

So but then his mom explains that even though she has to go to heaven, she'll always be right there in his heart, which again, you know, since she just like very likely passed on a congenital heart failure type thing, I, she, again, it could have chose different words. She points to her heart. She goes, I'm going to be right here. And I really want her to be like, no, seriously, heart problems, largely genetic. Make sure you get that checked out. It's a, he has a solution, but nobody will listen to him.

Oh, he also says, take me with you. And I wanted so bad for sure. Blam, blam, just pans out from the house. Nana, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, All right. So then we, the next day, teachers hadn't worked in the morning, but he notices that the old lady forgot to turn off her Christmas lights. So she's going to be dead. She's dead. I love

that as soon as that happens, we're all like, okay, well, she's dead then. Yeah. What's great is when we watch movies where these tropes don't take place and our notes are all like, ah, she's dead. Yeah, right. Well, she was old and out of breath earlier. I mean, your coughs and a television show. No, but she's dead. Was it just me or did we think they were going to use her heart? That would have made a lot of sense. It would have made song. Oh, but she has AIDS. That lady was just swimming in an hepatitis. All right. So, yeah, then we cut to her funeral and Rob Lowe has to do the stay after everybody

else walks off thing at the funeral like they always do in movies. And just once I want to see two characters competing for that, right? Like we cut it's like one in the morning and one's like, I am not going to be the fucking last one to walk up. I have a monologue to deliver. So I'm not log to to deliver. So I we're gonna do this that you're gonna do this right now. Me and he's doing this. You're gonna me and he's gonna do the same thing. We're gonna copy each other. There you go. There you go. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. During the scene too. We get Roblo's facial reaction to mom dying, which was so silly. It was like happily, pensive.

It was clearly just, it was like, do you guys smell something? It's like a cinnamon, but not exactly. What is that? Nutmeg? Did somebody have a caché? No, it's a real, so we're pretty cookies. Who has the cookies? Yep. My mom died. I want cookies. Show me your dick. All right. So speaking of mom's dying, the Nathan's mom dying, mom, she's still dying to

Nathan needs to get the fuck out of there. Now we know that he's leaving because he's trying to collect enough cans to get the shoes. Mom and dad don't know that right. All they know is that their son wants to leave on Christmas Eve and for all they know it's just hanging around dying people is boring. Right? Like they're basically they're going, okay, hurry back quick before your mom dies. There's only like 18 minutes left in this movie now. But instead he's going to go off with the teacher again. Has he

not told this teacher what he needs the $20 for because the teacher seems invested like he knows the kid is buying shoes, but not so invested to be like, yeah, no, I hit an ATM. Here's a single piece of paper. Go for it. All right. So yeah, so they go hunting for cancer. Like his plan rather than just giving the kid 20 bucks was to get $20 worth of cans and then litter them through town, go get the kid and take him where he put all the cans. Is a scavenger hunt. What's this? It looks like my mom is dying. It looks like a magical leopard cut fine. When your mom's dead, come back because there's a riddle and a story for

An hours on this shit should have been an embarrased dammit. I so wanted like there to be like some other homeless guy ahead of them Getting all the cans and they're like trying to race around them. No God, you know what? I'll give him a little too much heroin. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. There you go. There you go. Is that being a fucking race?

What are you doing here? You were amazing and that's impossible. Creed tomb. So. And well, if you know, mine was real, I named a real main, remains movie. Yeah, you did. mine was real. I named the real main, the greatest movie. Yeah, you did. You did well done.

Um, so, and it wasn't pulp fiction too. Um, so, so they go out, while they're out hunting for kids, the teacher, her showman says, Hey, remember earlier in the movie, when you asked a 56 year old man, if he'd ever known anyone who died and I,

and I said no, the more I think about it, the dumber of that line was so insane. Yeah. So let's talk about death with your dying mom. Let's do that. And the kids like, you're an asshole. Can we not? He's just collect care. Close your eyes and hold your breath and then wait for the moment in between thoughts. That's it. That's what it's like. as an hold your breath and then wait for the moment in between thoughts. That's it. That's what it's like. Think about that. But forever scary, right? Like the lack of sense because everyone's always like, oh, it's just like before you were born, but you didn't have sense

before you were born. Now you'll miss it and you know it's coming. No, you can't miss very Christmas. Robber first miss. Yeah. All right. Physically hurts if I had to get it. But you're scared, right? I mean, but there's a lot of fear to scribe the fear. Let's get right into this. Is it hard to breathe? It's hard for me to breathe. Bing rames come over and attack him.

All right. So, but then they come across the motherload of cans that the teachers left there for him. And he's like, oh, wow, look at all these cans. And the teachers like, what are you going to do with all those? And he's like, I'm going to buy my mom some dying shoes so that the teacher can be like, fuck, I should have just got 20 dollars for. Oh, man, I have a 20 in my wallet. I shouldn't have been.

I'm sure he's got enough money. I'll leave now. Yeah. Yeah, right. He doesn't check. He doesn't say, well got enough money. I'll leave now. Yeah. Yeah. Right. He doesn't check. He doesn't say, well, let me run you by the store or anything. All right. So now we're going to cut to the carolers out caroling with a school chorus. We got to have some publicly funded singing of Christ is our Lord. That's good. That's great. So they're outcarling. They walk by Rob Lowe's office and his wife looks over at the office like that mother fucker.

Still trying to help other humans. What a bitch. Yeah. That's way more important. Helping the farm. I don't understand. Like the movie got confused and accidentally made Christmas and God the antagonists of Italy.

Yes. Yes. Crypto. No fucking fee. It's the best idiots. Yeah. I mean, the whole scene is like, his assistant is like, Hey, it's Christmas Eve. Can I leave? And he's like, yes, I'm a reasonable boss. Go ahead and leave. I'll stay later and do the work for you. But I'm not going to give up on these farmers whose livelihood is tied up in this lawsuit. Like a dick. I don't get what I'm the bad guy. I don't know why, though. All right. So Nathan gets home that night. His mom's life meter is blinking red at this point, right? All the music sped up. Dinnin' in it. It's a pain in the back. What, what, what, what, what?

Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. All right, so he grabs the money he has and he rushes off. Once again, Dad and Mom don't know what he's doing for all they know. He's just running away from his diet and mom. With money. I think she knew because didn't she give him the death sign, the like steel sign, death sign that they made up together? Well, yeah, the heart thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she's like, yeah, remember Pat, your heart, because I'm going to die like two scenes from now. That's pretty

much. And then he runs off and he turns, she turns to the husband, she turns to Jacket, she says, one more thing before I die, could we dance? Oh, how badly did you guys want a flash cut to him just swinging around the bed? Man, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, man, Alexa, play dance music. You're all ready for this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the dance. Yeah. He takes off her oxygen because apparently that was recreational. Yeah. No. Well, every sickness ever needs an oxygen to. Well, the dying ones too. She could have burst into flames. It is they'd have her on oxygen. Yeah. Just kept writing please toss her in the air. Please toss her here. Yeah, but instead they dance in the sense

that he picks her up and sort of rocks her back and forth like a kid that won't shut up, you know. So okay, meanwhile Nathan is running to the stores, but can he get to the shoes in time? So he gets to the store, but dammit if the door is not locked and Rob Lowe shows up and he's like, uh, don't worry, kid, I'll throw a brick through it for you. But the door isn't locked, right? They knock on it for a minute and then one of the employees shows up and says, oh, hey, sorry, sometimes it locks on its own. What?

You have a store full of people and Christmas fucking Eve and your door just sometimes locks on it. So it seems like a bit of a fire hazard. I feel like they were just like, everybody get down, go to the back of the store. This kid's the worst. He's so good. You get down. He's gonna pay it. He's gonna pay it. He's gonna

nickel. He won't have it. He's gonna pay in nickels. Oh, he's with Rob Lowe too. Gross. All right. We're gonna give him out there. Oh, I saw him fucking him on an anti cam earlier. Yeah, so okay. Now, first of all, I want to say I so appreciate Rob Lowe's character. Walking around a department store four minutes before it closes on Christmas Eve, just randomly grabbing shit, going, yeah, I'm done with my Christmas.

Shout it, fuck it. Just ordering well done steaks. God. The worst. Well, to be fair, he goes to the store and he's like, yeah, you're holding a doll for me and they're like, no, we held it in the air for a second, but then we sold it to someone else. Means his holding doesn't mean the same thing to us. It does to other stores.

Yeah, so while he's doing that, the Nathan is desperately searching for the Christmas shoes. He can't find the Christmas shoes. He is going through this store like an Orthodox Jewish child in New York City. It is nuts. We all know that what that's like. Yeah, no, we do. No one else does it to everyone else. It's just that. That's the thing. It's like who've worked. What giant steps did to that pianist.

Guys. There's an Orthodox Jew jazz crossover in our audience. That guy's losing it right now. No, there's not. You don't know. So Nathan can't find the shoes. But Roblo walks by and as he does, he accidentally kicks open the box that has those perfect Christmas shoes in them. So the kid grabs the shoes.

He runs to the front of the line, cuts in front of Rob Lowe, like a dick, and then he starts paying and pennies and shit, fuck this kid and his dying mom. And he's like yelling at the cashier. Like, can you count faster? My mom's doing a hip hop dance medley with no lights. They're on dirty dancing just so you know, they're already up to dirty dancing. And, but, but unfortunately, he's $5.50 short. Keep in mind, the store owner did not pay for these shoes. Roblox just dropped these off with him. So I want to dick to not just give him the discount on the fucking shoes. And the cashier has no sympathy at all for the kid paying with pennies. Well, there's 37 people behind him in the stores close, right? Yeah. Fuck that kid. He doesn't know his mom's dying. Just like, yeah, great.

Count them all out. I'm doing it nice and slow. I contact one. It's their fault for waiting until Chris. All right. So the kid walks off all sad and shit. And Rob Lowe is like, hmm, I could buy the shoes for this kid But I want to make sure he fucking needs them before I go investing 550 and is happy It took him way too long to decide on the five fucking 50 for the crying kid with the dying mom It's like it's like Wolfring trying to decide whether to pick up rogue in the first text All right, so maybe I'll pay for you. Actually, you stole my red socks, hat.

Fuck you. Not going to the shoes. Your mom's dying, huh? Dying of what? Is it some pain? Fullers like, yeah, he turns to the gitties like, hey, man, do you need these shoes? And he goes, Mr. Do you ever have you ever known anyone who died?

But wow, talk about. I was afraid of you. How afraid of you? One to 10. Describe your fear. Eight. Mm. I want to, I want to Rob Lowe to be like, better question. Have you ever known anyone who didn't die?

Cause that's who I want to fuck. Yeah. But then Rob Lowe's character does the bearest minimum of a good thing. He gives a kid $5.50 on Christmas. This is what the movie is about. I wanted a cross cut. Rob Lowe's like thinking about the $5.50 and he's like looking at it in his hand and he's like sort of bringing it out toward the kid pulling it back. He's thinking about a cappuccino on one side and a dying mom on the other cross come with dying mom on the other side like with an actual scoreboard clock next to her because I'm sure she had that.

Yeah. So. Yeah, but okay. So he and then and then he doesn't buy any of the Christmas presents, right? Nope. He, uh, he's like, you know what? I'm not cashing out. And I wasted everyone's time. My daughter doesn't need Christmas presents because my heart grew three sizes. Oh, why? That line of Christmas Eve shoppers in suburban Boston just beat the shit out of Roblo. Yeah, no kidding. Oh, they beat

the shit out of him for looking Jewish when he got in the store. Are you a fucking Chinese is broke? No, I just have dark hair. Yeah. All right, so we leaves to go to the chorus thing, the singing thing or whatever. But damn it, if his car won't start again, and just then the guy wants the store shows up and he says, Hey, maybe I'm going to the Christmas concert as well. Maybe we can walk together. That's we can get nice and high before the concert, right? I feel like it is or we can do some gay stuff. Yeah, it is always someone either wants to drug you or sex with you or both if they say walk. Yeah, sometimes both. All right. So and then it starts just knowing and the guy turns to rob lonies is snowing on Christmas Eve. It's almost a miracle. What are the odds of snow

and Massachusetts in December better than one in seven. Got you never, okay, this is not even close to a miracle. This is like as miraculous as it being Tuesday. You have a roll of D20. This is like a third is impressive. So yeah, but they go to see the concert, which keep in mind they've moved from the tree lighting to just wandering around town. So apparently this guy has a tracking device on them or something like how does he know where the carolers will be? Well, he must have known the plan was to go sing that lady to death because that's what

you would do on Christmas Eve. That's where they come. Oh, you, you caro somebody to death. That's where they come. You carrow somebody to death. That's what I want to be there for that planning. And then kids, we're going to finish the evening at your music teacher so that your singing can be the last thing she hear. Oh, you're crying. She's going to be way too scared to hear the singing kids. It's really you die alone, no matter who's around you. You die.

Why are you crying? Hi, Maggie. We're going to be there at like nine to kill you with the carols. Can you die around nine? Cause that's what I mean. Well, preferably nine 14. We have a program. Can you do a hard call for at nine oh one?

Yeah. So it's really breathe out hard. Poo. And if you don't go in that moment, at least try to make it look like you. You'll be doing the dirty dancing lift around nine to 20. So. And by the way, when we cut to him showing up at them singing, they're singing Christmas shoes.

I want it. I wanted the little kid to turn around and be like, I'm so sorry. Are you seeing exactly what just happened to me? I feel like you are. Was Rob Lowe, a lyric in that song? That's weird. Yeah. Okay. So Nathan shows back up with the titular shoes. And That's weird. Yeah, okay. So Nathan shows back up with the titular shoes and he's like, mom, I bought you these shoes to wear in heaven. And again, these are the ugliest fucking shoes. You can imagine. So mom's like, oh, honey, those are the most beautiful shoes you could afford. I mean, that I've ever seen in my whole life. I wanted him to walk in the kid with the shoes and just be like, Dad, is she alive? Did I make it? And dad's just fucking her.

And he's like, so close. What's happening right now? Five minute rule, go away. I just died, I swear. Just that promise. That is standard five minute rule. Everybody knows that. This is totally fine. This is just me. Okay, well now it's over, but yeah, it's it's I brought a flower. You were talking

that we subtracted. I get 30 more seconds. This is a time out. Okay, guys with me though. This is fun. I'll bring you flowers. Remember when your grandfather fucked you? Received my dick. All right, so we pushed the shoes on her and luckily they're the right size. He didn't check for anything. And then the dad basically turns to her and he says, go ahead and die, Maggie. We're good. It'll be really awkward if you live for like three more hours and diets. So like way better for the story if you just die now.

And she's like, okay, and die. Cool, cool, dying and now wait. What's the code for the wife I damn it like yesterday it's on the router we're gonna have to call it's Christmas Eve mother fuck I'm gonna have to put in that really long one it's on the router I don't want to get it's I'm gonna have to get behind it it's it's it's all I can't it's up on a shelf it's all the way. You have to get a ladder or some fucking thing. I think I'm up on that chair again. You're the fucking worst.

I'm glad you're dead. You're a bitch. I'm not. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. You're a bitch. I'm gonna fuck you after 10 minutes. All right. So now we cut back to Rob Lowe showing up at the concert. He turns to the teacher. He's like, have you seen my wife? He goes, you mean the person leading the concert, standing at the very front, directly in front of everyone? Yes, I've seen her. She's there. And he's like, right, right.

That was a dumb thing for me to ask. Well, it gets dumb, because he then immediately runs over and he's like, honey, during that song that song you were singing like literally four seconds ago? This you're not going to believe this. My name was in it. My literal name. How weird is that? So yeah, so the concert wraps up and the kids go to one of, so and just then

Rob Lowe and his wife are talking a farmer walks up to them and she's and he says to the wife, he's like, I just want you to know how much it means to all of us farmers that your husband has worked so hard to save our jobs, even though it meant spending time away from his family at the holidays. Yeah. It's your movie. That was weird. The movie became self-aware there at the last minute. It's like, Hey, lady, if you're being awful about stupid little Christmas things, you should fucking stop your husband. Did a good thing with real world consequences.

And Christmas is the bad guy right now in this whole area. You know, this is all made up, right? He wasn't even born then. This is like a weird corporate slurry of pagan rituals and satanic stuff. It's not none of this real. No satanic stuff to sell you red colors. So and so she's like, what? Okay.

Now this is possibly the weirdest exchange in the entire movie, right? Because she turns to Roblo and he's in such a good mood and buy it into the Christmas spirit after all. And he's not by humbugging anymore. And she says, what happened to you? Here's his exact fucking response. He says, well, I went to the store and I met this boy, dot, dot, dot. And do you know how much I love you?

I feel like there's an explanation and apology and indictment somewhere in that ellipsis, right? I want to repeat that exact words. I met this boy at the toy store. Do you know how much I love you? That was a weird choice of two sentences. You guys haven't had this conversation before. You got to do this in a toy store by a little boy.

Fine. Oh, look at me. I mean, either no, I've never been drawn in by the a toy store by a little boy? Fine. Oh, look at me. I mean, I know I've never been drawn in by the siren song of a little boy and had to explain it to my wife. Christ. Judgy, this is our Christmas episode, guys. Oh, it's a Jewish jazz listening pedophile. It's been heartbroken.

It was really loving it up until this moment too. I love to see that they're standing outside a diagram. Woms house having this conversation and then dying mom dies and the lights all go out. Like her heart was powering that lamp or her husband was like and click. We're in the dark. We should probably call someone to a schlep mom away. Right. So like they had that set up. So it was like, all right, when Maggie dies, do me a favor, Jack, shut off all the lights in your house. We're going to be. We're going to be

vamping the music and we want to cue our DSL code at that point. Click the lights down so we can do our big finale. That would be perfect. Great. And then he done. I wanted him to like after the lights went off though for him to just run outside and be like, no, I just, nope, is I blew a fuse. Still live. Don't start starts to walk back in. Oh, you guys are not going to believe this is funny. While I was out here, the breeze drafts.

You guys can not. They say a draft or kill you. And they keep you just. So the first two, three, four, modulate. And Hoda. All right, so now we're gonna do a quick wrap up scene of Rob Lowe at work. Now that he's learned not to take it,

so damn seriously, right? Cause nothing says good parent like ducking out of work at 3 30 PM. The office is like, hi, we have an important legal thing for you. And he's like, ah, my daughter has to go not be good at basketball. Right. And but apparently he needs to leave to get to that game, but not right away because at this moment he finds that package that his mom sent right before she died and he's like, I probably should have opened this by now. Dental dams and syrup mom. But no, it's his old lunch box.

What was in it? Nothing, right? Like that. It turned out there was nothing in Marcello's wall. This is briefcase. And you see Rob Lohi actor look up like, guys, was there a prop in here? Hard cuts away. Right. Well, but he's found a note. He got his the note that she wrote for him. And so she starts reading that voice over. And she's going like, boy, you sure were a great kid.

I wish you hadn't turned out to be a lawyer. You piece of shit. Nathan gets a puppy, by the way, as we're reading through this letter, we see that Nathan did get a dog after all. So you know lost the bomb got a dog mom replacement puppy. And then we cut back to Rob Lowe at the graveyard from the beginning of the movie. And we realize now that the guy behind him that's also mourning his dad mom on Christmas is grown up version of Nathan, right? Still wearing the Boston Red Sox

hat. I haven't I haven't taken this hat off since mom died. Yeah. Gross. And by the way, in case that wasn't obvious enough, Rob Lowe's stop some at one point and goes, that's a nice hat. I had one just like that when I was a boy. You're Nathan just in case that wasn't clear enough. Grandma, grandma, wake up. He's Nathan. That's the ending. You're dead. You're dead. We're gonna fight over this TV.

Breathe out real hard, everyone watching this movie. Let's do it together. But also okay, but just in case, so Nathan leaves, he leaves the graveyard and then Roblo looks over and sees that he's put that weird fucking pair of shoes on the mom's grave and realizes who that was, right? But he's gone now. So just in case everything was about to come together and mean something, no, it didn't, it didn't. Also, did he take those shoes off of her dead body?

Or are we supposed to believe he bought a bunch of these in bulk for a nice gesture. I bought a gross of these in 1998. Just figuring it be quicker that way. Most women who come into my apartment run screaming because they assume I'm some kind of shoe weirdo. But it's okay. So I was doing that Norman Bs thing with those shoes that all the rights. I tell them ahead. So they should I mean that's that's on them. But And scene. Okay. So that's the fucking movie. But in closing, I wanted to share with you guys an item from this movie's trivia page on IMDB. All right. It says quote, if you

look closely, you'll realize that the man that Rob Lowe's character talks to when he visits the gravesite at the beginning and end of this movie is the adult Nathan end quote. Wow. If you look farly too. Yeah, right. No, I mean, I love the idea that somebody was so proud of themselves for figuring that out that they had to take to the internet to assist those with lesser deductive skills.

So my question to you in closing tonight is what other trivia items you think that that person might have left on IMDB? Okay, if you look closely in breakfast at Tiffany's, that's a white guy playing the Japanese guy. It's real. It's where to go. It's where to go. It's your fucking white guy. It's crazy.

I know Irish guy hits nuts. If you watch this movie backwards, it's about a bunch of women who come to life. All right, Well, that's going to do a forward review of the Christmas shoes, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because apparently we're going to do this again next year too. So Eli, tell us now that the goddamn Christmas, acular or whatever the fuck is over. What's on deck? My first miracle. Hey, it's not a Christmas movie. So with that, the look forward to we're gonna bring episode 175 you'll merciful clothes Once again, huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go if you'd like to count yourself among their ranks You can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash God awful

And thereby orderly access to an aftery version of every episode You can also help a ton by leading a five store review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms If you enjoyed this show be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating a the a citation date and the skeptic card available on iTunes to turn wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies at gmail.com legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres Tim Robertson takes care of our social media our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnik people drafts on Mars only the

music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, right, Neil Laipposting, I'm No Luzon's Promise to Work Hard, or another chunk next week until then. We'll leave you with a breakfast club, Clow. Turns out, it was actually the five-day-reel. Oh, God. Five-day-reel.

The teacher went on to die simultaneously from diabetes and alcohol poisoning because seriously, where the fuck did he get all those cans? All those farmers starve to death. Fuck this. You taste in the rosebud, you tellin' a French joke, you visitin' the wookie, tossin' the salad, fart snorkelin', sweepin' the fudge factory,, mopping the deep fryer, searching for puckers gold, doing donuts on the dirt road, biting the brown, kissing the star of love, watching door the explorer Saturday morning, today. Okay, that last one can't be real. That cannot be real. Could be said nine. Christmas regular. What's another John Coltrane song? Good old Coltrane the most train. Coltrane the most train. What Coltrane song would I name?

That's a crazy question. Stop googling. Stop googling. Do you know googling? Equinox. I'm typing in. to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go Oh, this is a real disgusting a rabbit hat. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyrighted 2018 all rights reserved.