God Awful Movies - 176: Wide Awake

Episode Date: January 1, 2019

This week, we team up for an atheist review of "Wide Awake", the story of a title desperately trying to get people to remain conscious despite how boring the movie is. (Note: Due to Eli's difficulty with days and stuff, we're not reviewing "My First Miracle" until next week, so if you watched that one in advance of the episode, our sincerest apologies.) --- Get tickets to our live show in Dallas here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

Although, let's give Wide Awake its credit. Wide Awake is the first movie we have ever watched that answers the look of that natural thing, right? Because Robert Lose, he's like, how do you know there's a heaven? And he's like, look at, kid, look at the snow. The snow is all the proof I need. And the kid's like, why should I just crystallize water falling down because of the pressure and the temperature changes.

And he's like, whoa, kid You just destroyed my world Do a rail off a black dick Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Yeah, left is my good friend. Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, uh, you know, who was dead the whole time? Oh God. God was. Oh nice. Nice. nailed it.

Yep. It's sense. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast, this is my bad friend Eli Bosni Eli. How were you this fine afternoon, sir? I hate the kid. I hate him. Oh, God. I want.

I hate him. He's no. He's no. He was the kid. I hate him. I want. I hate him. He's no. He's no. He's a wise man. That's for sure. All right. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

It's not going to be getting an arc and entourage. That is for sure. Yeah. We watched wide awake. It's the story of M night Shyamalan becoming more and more desperate as he tries to right his way past the problem of evil. And he doesn't. So we just watch 90 minutes of atheist 10 year olds beating William Lane Crag in a debate. And then it's just like smoke bomb Jesus Jesus. Yeah. Stop following me.

I'm under the frame. You can't see. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love escort missions, but you'll wish they all took place in a water level, you will. This movie has by far the most unlikable character we've ever seen. And we watched a movie about a rapist.

We've watched several now. Are you talking about the main kid? Yeah. I like the main kid. Oh, I hate him. So he represents everything bad in the whole world, in the whole world. If the aliens came and they were like, show me the evil that your species has. I wouldn't show him Hitler or Stalin or some serial killer. I'd be like, here's this kid.

Here's this kid. He thinks he has a question. So he's just wrecking everyone's years trying to do his honest best in the world. He's not trying to do his best. Plane inches. You want to bet you plane inches. Father ofer. Oh God. And so we are so the weirdest thing about this movie is that if after watching it when at first debut in theaters, you'd said to yourself, well, I bet this guy's next movie gets nominated for six Oscars,

you'd have been right. A czar right. This was the movie that M night shaman made immediately before the sixth sense and you know Sometimes when you watch like an early work of a great director, you could sort of see hints of his brilliance I'm not saying at M night Shyamalan is a great director. He directed a great movie once But like and it's very obvious right? It's very obvious when you watch this and what came after it that it's just like Oh, no, no, he just hit on one good movie, right? Yep.

I can't describe how much this movie is going for you guys like the movie Sandlot, right? Remember Sandlot? I mean, don't think too hard about Sandlot. There's a lot of assault culture in there and in the Sandlot. Yeah, it is some child abuse. Yeah, I don't think about it, but you know that. That's what we're doing here. Catholic school, am I right?

I mean, I realize every time I rent a movie on Amazon, it comes up and says, did you purchase this by accident, but it felt way more accusatory this time. All right, so is there anything that you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to say best worst overweight Irish kid. Okay. Fat Frank. Yeah, this felt personal, felt pretty personal. So yeah, the main character knows a fat kid at school and he kind of shits on the fat

kid the whole time. But Frank is clearly supposed to be involved in some kind of like redemption at the end in a sane movie, but it just never fucking happens. Like, no, all the kid does is sweat like he did a sit up and then vomit everywhere and shit himself. And end. And that's over. That's the whole character. There's no connection. He's just fat kid. That's it. There's so many characters like that, like Brickman is like that in this movie. Freddie is like, yeah, yeah. I was going to go with and just harkening back to what Eli's already said. I was going to go with best worst voice. All right. This is not so much what he represents that bothers me. It's his goddamn whiny bitchy mom. I want this voice that he brings to every single line.

He has the worst voice in this movie and Rosie O'Donnell and Dennis Leary are in this movie. We're not fucking around here. He's inquisitive. He's inquisitive and proper loja. Yeah. Oh, all right. I was going to go with best worst adult with the thing because Rosie O'Donnell is just

like baseball, but you know what? I'm going to switch it last minute. I'm going to bring a little positivity. Best best, best best best friend, Dave. Dave's amazing. I love Dave even more than Josh the main character. Yeah, Dave is fantastic. I agree. If your it could be in a movie. It's a heaths in particularly. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Beautiful. All right. Well, I'll tell you what, we've got an awful lot of

plot faints to get to. So we're going to keep the break brief. And when we come back, we'll dive into all the random, inconsequential actions that are wide awake from the makers of wide awake. Has anyone seen my shoes? Nobody's ever seen shoes, Eli, but doesn't mean they aren't real. Comes another cloying pre-millennial schlockfest about pretending not to know what words mean when a kid says them. No, sorry, my actual shoes is what I'm looking for. Your shoes, my shoes. Who says there's one pair of shoes that's weird as a construct? Because pre-911, we were all just kind of jerking religion around like it was a stamp collection

or something. I do. I'm looking for literal shoes. Do you understand? We all looking for shoes. Looking for shoes. The object? Shoes? Closing item? I'm smiling at you with warmth in my eyes. Stop. Just tell me where my shoes are. Warm's in my eyes. Look at me. Nope. You're adorable. in my eyes. Look at me. Nope. You're adorable.

And we're back for the breakdown and judging by the audio, it seems like we're going to have some opening scene, sportsing, but luckily it's just sportsing audio, so we don't have to look at it. We got a grandpa and a little kid throwing around a pig's skin. That's the audio we're getting. The visuals we're getting is the's drawings that we're scrolling past. Mm hmm. We get also grandpa we should point out is played by Robert Lozia. So it's supposed to be a grandpa playing catch with his kid, but it feels like a mob hit. Are you ready? Kid.

Get into this right way. You big man. Yeah, but basically grandpa throws him a football and they both say we pure do love each other and I love us a lafford die, huh? And then we get the opening of the movie, which is mom waking Josh, the little kid who'll be the main character in the movie, waking him up for school. This is his first day of fifth grade. And it's time for the first of these movies, adorable shenanigans.

He just can't wake up for school. Yeah. Clearly. Yeah. That is a major bit they will use throughout for humor, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Well, because the movie is called wide awake. And it's all about how he was very sleepy until he found God and now he's wet. So, oh, sir, I retract. Never mind. This metaphor is fucking amazing. I didn't catch that. We're surely going to do what? Together. Such good writing.

Damn. I apologize. Like I genuinely apologize to the movie. That's all right. All right. Mr. Shamanlon, ain't part of every bad thing I ever said about you at night, except the shit about science. That was the lady in the water. Why don't you think it's the fucking title? Yeah. Jesus.

All right. And okay. So so dad in this movie is played by Dennis Leary. And at first I thought, oh, fuck, Dennis Leary. But then he didn't do anything at all in the movie. So I'm like, okay. Yep. Well, you literally could have had him played by like a plastic bag with different emotions drawn on it. Cardboard cut out of Dennis, Larry would have done just this good job. Yep. Yep. All right. So he's getting ready to go to school. He sure

does fall asleep a lot. Well, he's trying to get ready. But eventually he's ready to go. And we realized that a he goes to a Catholic school and B. This movie was made before that scandal broke. Yeah, Catholic school in Pennsylvania to be a physicist. And we know this because of his uniform, which I have it out in my notes as Elton John slave outfit. These uniforms are rough. Like everyone wearing that uniform in this entire school, everybody's

got it on. It's uniform, but that will not stop them from beating the fuck out of everyone wearing that uniform. Yeah, right. He's like, that's how that goes. I just all gather in a circle. Boom nerds, all of us. Turn to us. Circle up. Punch. You punch right. Every God damn it. Everybody punches right first. Obviously.

Idiot. Like a family reunion of Highlanders and there is something. And Daisy chain, let's do this. All right. So then the movie says, no, no, we're RCC with a little title card that reads September The questions and I wrote is the question why do I have to dress like the schoolboy night at Chippendale? All right, so before he wanders off to school he has to go into dead grandpa's room and Have dead grandpa moment

Well Norman Bates grandpa thing. Yeah, right. He puts out his code. He grabs his pipe, sits in his chair and he says like, I wish I could die. I can't answer to it's creepy. Yeah. And this leads us to the first of many grandpa flashbacks. This one in the form of Josh was sick one day and grandpa took

care of him. Right. And the only point of this flashback is that he's like, I will never die. He's like, grandpa, I had a nightmare. He's like, I'm never going to die. I'm Robert fucking loads. You hear me? Look me in my eyes. I will never die. My voice is made of secondhand smoke. I'm immortal. I guess you sit there smoking a fucking pipe right next to the sick kid going, nah, you fine. Walking off. It's got a pipe in his nostril. It's over. But mom and dad are in a hurry. So they pull them back from his referee and they drop him off it at Catholic school. But before they,

before they do, like Dennis Leary has this moment where he turns to him, he's like, Hey, man, don't go all atheists in there. Okay. All right. Stop. Because the whole point of here is like, I'm just a curious, wide-eyed kid, but, but they're spooning mouthful after mouthful of sugar into your like mechanically held open jaw. So it's not an inquisitive kid. It's that you're my cupcake song played at an Abu Ghraib prisoner. The 75th answer in a row. Well, right. And the thing is too is that like, you know, the kid is in narration saying a lot of people say I asked too many questions. I'm like, yeah, but in a public school, that's not a huge problem.

I didn't really come up in public school. Jesus. Okay. So he walks into school and everyone turns to like assess his bully ability immediately. Yeah. And he's got that uniform on again, they all do too, but they don't give a fuck. And we learn here that you can wear the shorts with the tucked in shirt and the tie and the jacket or you can wear pants like a normal human being. So like, he's gone with the shorts. But if pants are an option, you got to go pants there, right?

He shows that crazy. The shorts make you look like you're going to get like raped by a cartoon hammer in a pink Floyd video. He's terrified. Yeah, so he walks in and now it's time for us to meet Rosie O'Donnell. She's a baseball none. No reason she's a baseball none. She's just got a baseball and she's like, this is my thing. Yeah, as remember that movie with Tom Hanks, right? Yeah. Carry over.

Perfect. Taking the check off. And what is she wearing? It's not normal, like, none stuff, is it? I mean, I know she looked like a boys-to-men pirate. She looks like she's about to announce she's a pun based Halloween costume, right? Like, right? Out the habit or something. I don't know. Just just like there's a very clear, yeah, right. contribution of baseball and none. The thing is, okay,

but see, the thing is, is that what we've combined here are the two most notoriously weirdly dressed humans, right? People who have dedicated themselves to religion and sports fans. Right. So when you put that shit together, you've got some weird outcomes. She looked like Sarah Huckabee Sanders at that last press conference. All right. Like, what are the odds? Like, I feel like they're better than one in 10 that the last press conference, Sarah Huckabee Sanders does ends with a gun in her mouth, right? Oh, she goes full bud Dwyer. It's not way to second.

You might hurt someone with a hand, but she doesn't with a chainsaw in my head. They have not made a gun that can penetrate my skull. Just her own head right off. It'll be amazing. All right. that can penetrate my skull. Just her own head right off. It'll be amazing. All right, so but yeah, but she's a Rosio down on the list of baseball none and she teaches religion class from a textbook called This Is There Fucking Movie.

Jesus is my buddy. Amazing. And this is where Josh asks about baptism and whether or not if you're baptized, you're going to hell. Yeah. He's like, so my, my aunt, she's not baptized. Is she going to hell and Rosy and I was like, no, no, that's, she's not going to. And then somebody else is like, and say with my dad's

friend, Steve, no, still no, just relax. And then one of the kids jumps up, he's like, and my friend Seth Greenberg too. She's like, well, oh yeah, Seth Greenberg's going to hell. He will kill. Not Steven. Yeah. Right. And this is supposed to be the, his teachers just can't answer his questions.

But of course she can answer his questions. He's at a Catholic school. If he was in a public school, this scene would make sense. But he's talking to a nun. I've never met a nun who wouldn't be like, oh, yeah, your friend's going to hell. I wear this hat all the time. Do you think I hadn't thought about that one? Yeah, no, but look, I mean, that's the fucked up thing though, is that the point of this scene, though, right? The wink and the nod is, he sure is easy for a group of 10 year olds to destroy our religious beliefs, right?

Like, the thing is, is that, no, then, I mean, yes, the nun would have words to say at this point to distract the children, but no, they don't have the answer to that. Because their religion actually is, yes, God burns people in hell forever for believing in the wrong God or the right God wrong. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, so the Bible's wrong then. And Rosie O'Donnell has to just be like, uh, yeah. Well, I'm a lesbian. I'm not Roseanne. Please do not perfectly. Basically just urs and urs and ums until the bell rings like this fucking sympathy bell rings here.

Um, and then they go to another class where we have to listen to kids read because we deserve that. This is their public speaking. I thought that was impressive that they offer that at least. Oh yeah, it doesn't go well, but I'm glad they offer that. That's a real thing. Doesn't seem to be working, but that at least. Oh yeah, it doesn't go well, but I'm glad they offer that. That's a real thing. Doesn't seem to be working, but that's nice. Yeah.

All right, but this is where we're going to meet Dave. And Dave wants out of this boring ass class. So he has to pull a ruse. Yeah, he went with the sneeze vomit. Sneeze vomit. I mean, I get it. I get it. I never thought I'd get to get a class every time. It's good stuff. Sneeze so hard I mean, I get it. I get it. I never thought it gets you out of class every time.

It's good stuff. Sneeze so hard I shout myself. Yeah, man, get out of my class. Yeah, get out. I get it. Yeah, so he leaves the class and then he motions to his buddies like, hey, Josh, you're the main character. You have to go with me or this is just weird. I just sneeze vomited as all. So, so he falls in. the narrator tells us that Dave is a daredevil. He sure is a pretty cool kid. He's the best. He is. But while they're now like cut in class, this is also where we meet Brickman. Brickman. This is a disturbing fucking character, right? Yeah. Brickman, Brickman doesn't hold up to the age of diagnosis. No. I love how they, they react to them too. They're just like, oh, fucking Brickman really? Let's what run away? He's the, like, I can't fucking deal with this kid. It's

the first day. He's going to do that, like flinch thing. You try to walk past him and he won't let you.'s fucking gross. Yeah, but it's okay. So like there are a million ways you can do the weird kid. They just went with rampant undiagnosed schizophrenia with this kid, right? Like, so, so, he literally starts rolling around on the floor, acting like a chimp. Yep. And the soundtrack, by the way, is love. And it's like, huh? Kids with mental illness, what could be funnier than that? Hey, way, is love. And it's like, huh, kids with mental illness, what could be funnier than that? Hey, kids, how you doing? It's your friendy leather podcast. Yeah, when kids used to have mental illness, they were just weirdos. It was a lot

of fun. Everyone just kind of ignored it. And then they, you know, they died in high school, but it was all right. It was all right. Oh, Jimmy Tottles is to take his shirt off and shit into his own lap. This was, this was, this was known as just chemical imbalance when I was a kid, but they didn't do anything. They were like, we know it's a chemical imbalance, but that's fucking all we know. And we're just not doing it. Yeah, until tomorrow's side, I don't know. Should we give him different chemicals? I don't know. No drugs are bad. We have a whole thing. Drugs.

His chat is left. That's funny. And the saddest fucking thing about it, though, is that like at the end of this scene, the none like drags this kid away by his ear for being mentally ill. She's like, naughty, naughty stripping down and thinking you're an animal. Yes. Oh, kids. All right. So now Josh is running through the halls with his buddy wondering if this God thing is bullshit after all. And this again is where David starts to win over our favor. He's like, Hey, David, do you think that God is right? And David's just like, no, stop talking cars. Let's play cars. No dumb fucking Holocaust baby cancer problem of evil.

What the fuck are you talking about? Of course not. Yeah, right. No, like fucking Dave destroys it at 10. Pretty well. He's like, uh, he's like, do you believe that God is real? And he's like, nah, man, problem of evil. He's like, oh, fuck. Yeah. That's, that's bad. Yeah. Shit. Right. Let me just set this clock to 90 minutes. I will prove you wrong. Starting now spoiler. He will not. No, yeah, best worst. No, but it turns out God is real too. Okay. So now the bell rings is time for all the kids to go out for recess. Yeah, these kids get released like the zombies from World War Z.

And the narrators telling us that he sure would like to play football with the big kids, but the bully won't let him. This is where we meet Freddie the bully. Who is 45 years old? Yeah. An enormous and old and it's ridiculous. Yeah. It's like a 10 year old boy and a giant old Italian guy just manned it. It's like every barber shop. Yeah. And again, like, you

know, like, there's so much in this movie that's like, huh, isn't that cute? But like, it should have been, I feel like in 98, this was already terrifying, but maybe it wasn't by then because this is also where he wanders up on the fence where they separate the sexes. Oh, this movie is filled with like, ah, Catholic school. Remember when they took your blood and put it in that kitty pool and the nungs would bathe in it every May first, ah, fond childhood. And you're just like, what?

Come on. That's the whole movie. My notes for this movie are entirely, I hate this kid and what? Come on. Yeah, so he looks over the fence and he sees the girls playing and he's like, I don't like girls yet. My balls haven't dropped. And this is also where we're going to meet the, uh, the fat kid that, that he did his best worst about.

That Frank, maybe he, okay. Maybe he's like, Hey, do you want to play ninjas? And he's like, no, tomorrow. By the way, fun little anecdote. I signed into our little Skype session here as fat Frank. And both of these guys laughed way too hard. I just wrote to my notes. I mean, to be fair to Joshua, who is fat Frank and a sneak up on? You want to play? Yeah. I mean, Frank. Like I play this movie because like this huge fat kid comes up and he's just like, Hey, man, you want to play ninjas? And I so wanted to watch that fat kid play ninjas, but it's the movie's fault. I'm horrible. I wouldn't even have known about this kid if it hadn't been for the movie's fault. I'm horrible. I wouldn't even have known about this. Get of it. Hadn't been for the movie amazing, amazing kid to pick to be wanting to play

a game called ninjas. Like I was just picturing this enormous kid trying to like hide on a ceiling. Yeah, like scare somebody and just blame face plan. Are you hiding behind that soda machine? Oh, that Frank, because I see you. You're right there. You're reaching around. You're getting yourself a soda. No, doesn't matter which direction you face. And you're looking at a bunch of quarters.

How many of you get it? I can see your arm pushing the button. All right. I'm going to, I'm going to press your diabetes button. All right. So then we get, okay, it's that night. And what the shot actually is, is the kid is crawling into bed with his parents from under the blankets or whatever. But for just a minute, it looks like dad's performing anal ingus on the mom. Yeah, because the

narration here is mom and dad sure were busy. And I'm like, I mean, it's some work. And we just see Bob laying on her side and some movement around her ass and the blankets. And I'm like, they were busy day. And Dennis Leary have a song about the asshole. Yeah. And homage. But he's actually there to ask them if he can play football. And his parents are like, no, we're both doctors and that's not going to happen. We need to be a kicker. Come on. Yeah. It's 1998. We told the NFL to fix their sport 20

years ago. They've done nothing. They will continue to do nothing spoiler for 20 more. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. You know, you can remember the words I just said to you. Yeah, let's keep it that way. No football for you. And by the way, if you're thinking to yourself at this point, oh, this is a football movie about the little kid trying out for the foot. No, it's not. It's not that will serve a function in the first act sort of. In fact, if you think this movie is about anything, you're wrong. Yeah, that would have been a very significant plot point, which was apparently against the rules. So exactly, exactly. Shambhalam was just like, no, it's about nothing. He was doing a full church. It stands

and earned the right. Absolutely. So he's in the bed. He's asked a mom and dad if he can play football and suddenly Julia styles is in the bed too, which was weird. She's in this movie, right? And I didn't realize that was her shoot. He's the sister, right? And I didn't realize that was her. And I was just like, well, fuck, is Eli fantasizing now? There's just a 10 year old boy and Julia styles in his bed. What? All right. Here we go.

It's weird that they hired three like name actors to be bit parts in this. Like, right? Dennis Liri, Rosio, Donald, and Julia styles were all like names. None of them have more than like five minutes in the movie. Yeah. Say with Robert Loja. Yeah. And Robert Loja. Yeah. Football coaches Al Pacino, Guy at the store in the background, Robert and hero. What's happening? That'd be, that be hilarious. So movie did that.

All right. But so, but, but this scene results when, mom says, give me one good reason why you should play football and the kid goes dead, grandpa played football. Boom. Drop some mics. Slytheres back out from under the blankets. Yeah. Kid, pick some advice from the child of a superior athlete. Do the check off.

You can do honey. Do the check off. Come on. Remember played football with like a fucking newspaper for a helmet. It's fine. You'll need to try to murder the whole family once and it didn't happen. He was shaking too much. So yeah, we were fine. So all right. So now we cut to football practice and boy, are those football accoutrements too big for him. It's so boring and saccharine, so boring and saccharine. Come on. The equipment was so big. It's like going to someone else's kids like Christmas concert. Yeah. I'm not

fucking you. Let's get out of here. This is my here. This whole movie had that feeling. Yeah. But coach is all coach in intense and wouldn't you know, a Josh gets in a fight with some other kid. So now he's in trouble. So he's off being in trouble and thinking about grandpa some more. And this is where we got the brilliant transition to the next grandpa flashback where he goes, my grandpa believed in two things, being good at football and, and, and Jesus, the next one is about Jesus. And they're in church. And this kid is just like molesting Robert Lozza's face while he tries to pray. It's so good.

You pray, and Lucia is so fucking angry about this. Keep touching his face in real life, just like two seconds after the cut, he's beating the fuck out of his head after they're pulling him off. You praying, you pray, grandpa, grandpa, you praying, you praying? Just poke it in his face. Stab you. But then, okay, so then the priest stands up and he's like, you know, hey, you praying? You praying? Just poking his face. Stab you. But then, okay, so then the priest stands up and he's like, you know, hey, wear my sick people at and grandpa gets up, right? And the kids like, wait a minute, is grandpa sick?

Yeah. And like, come on, you didn't realize Robert Lozia might not be in perfect health. Really? Looks like fucking lung cancer came to life. You didn't, you didn't see the leather goblin with gout over there that maybe that guy might be sick. So yeah, so you remember Scramble finally for a little bit realizes football ate his thing and decides that he's going to tell Dave about his secret plan that's sort of gonna be what this movie has instead of a plot. Kind of.

All right. So now we go over to his buddy Dave's house and Dave is stupid fucking rich. Oh, I love Dave rich. And the end of life, that's it. Rich, we were better. It's great. So. Yeah, and again, this scene opens with, he's like, you know, Dave had a really big house

when he spent most of his time in the closet. Um, guys, that doesn't mean what you see. I know a kid like that too. Faith, I think it's like that too. It's fine. You guys don't like that too. Faithfully like that too. It's fine. You guys don't dance company now. Oh, good. Good.

But he's like, yeah, he's been all this time under the stairs. And I'm like, big coke habit. Did he have? Apparently. But yeah, they're playing. They're playing. We cut to the plan space pirates in the closet under the stairs. And so that I don't have to listen to fucking M night Shyamalan try to write space words for

very long. They quickly changed the conversation to girls, right? Days like, so, hey, man, what's up with your balls? You pubin yet or, uh, so we're gonna talk about, you want to, uh, boring space? Like into a little jerk party. What do you think? And Josh is like, uh, not right now. No, no. And then he gives, he gives this great little speech. He's like, yeah, man, come on. Liking girls is just a bullshit biological reaction. Let's, I mean, let's look at some dicks too. If we're going to do this, you just show us the one. Let's flip a coin. Heads on gay, tails your gay. Here weenon, it's edge. It's edge. Roast, you crits and guilt and stern are dead. That was a fever.

All right. So, but Josh doesn't like girls yet. Instead, he wants to talk about his secret mission to find God. And again, Dave is amazing. He's like, oh, cool. You want to find God? Hey, do you remember when I thought that there was a ghost haunting my laundry mat? And that was stupid. Yours is stupid. And Josh was like, no, adults believe in mine. It's going to be the whole movie. And he's like, oh, lame. It's, it's literally example Dave's like, okay, well, that's fucking stupid. You're on a mission for God. You remember when I thought staring at a purple lamp would make me the

Hulk, the superhero, the Hulk? This is way dumber man. And Dave, like, he was going to call for a doodly dude. It's Josh in a padded room staring at nothing. You hear that? You hear that? Nothing. That's the sound of looking for God. That's you. Idiot. Yeah. No, Dave reacts exactly like I would. And then we cut to Josh flipping between the 11 various news channels that are showing all the natural disasters of the world. Yeah, I was so confused what the movie was about. I had no idea. Because so far at this point, it's just showing us the problem of evil over and over and over again. That's it. Yeah. I feel like the first three quarters of this movie were written by M. Knight Shyamalan because William Lane Craig had promised to like trust me. If he argument, I'm going to give you when you write the line and then he's, uh,

Janet. Turns out, Mr. Duprista is just three simple questions. All right. Put that in a movie. Three questions. All right.

So and then, but they're having dinner and his sister, Julia Stiles is like, Hey, mom, a famous cardinal who knows a lot of stuff about finding God, should that be your mission is coming to the movie soon. He he he. And this kid, like you can see this kid decide, he's gonna talk to the cardinal, whatever it takes. And you just gotta wonder, that's a weird day for the cardinal, right?

Hi, cardinal, Hammerson. Yes, come in, my boy, Hammerson. Yes, come in, my boy. Come in. I want to ask you something, but can this just be a secret? Sure, sure. Yeah, secret. In fact, I snuck down here to your office. Nobody knows I'm here and nobody can ever know. Um, okay.

You know what? I'm worried someone's gonna overhear our conversation. In case they get loud, so I'm gonna take off my pants and stuff them under the door. Wait, what? Now for the coconut oil. Okay, hell of a day. Hell of a day. hell of a day. All right.

That was dark. Yeah. I guess it was about to happen eventually. And okay, but I love to that the sister says at this point, she's like, you know, some people say that Cardinal Geary can talk to God. It's like, I can talk to God. I can talk to a man. What the fuck are you talking about? That's not a thing.

All right, so we go back to the school and now Rosio Donnell is humorously mixing theology and baseball. She is baseballing the crucifixion, but like, I feel like they asked Rosio Donnell to vamp it because it's got nothing to do. She's just like bottom of the ninth, two strikes. Jesus is, what is a, where do you lose baseball on purpose? It's because you are mad at yourself. Come on, you're in a league of their own.

Deup, you got this. Yeah. Love that movie. Right. And honestly, they're seeing runs like they asked her to vamp and then they felt sorry for so the sound effects guy queued the bell, right? And she's supposed to be a huge Philadelphia Phillies fan because it's a set in Philly. And I thought she was about to like start weeping as she described Joe Carter beating the Phillies

in the normal series. Welcome home run. But no, it was it was a Jesus metaphor that she didn't, she didn't land. No, no, no, she struck out on it. See, I did better than you did, Rosie. Oh, crushed it. Oh, and then, okay. So this is where we get the quintessential like boy, does that mean something different three years after this movie comes out line where the kids says in narration because it's like him and his buddy are about to pull a caper so you can go talk to this cardinal.

So in narration, he opens this up by saying, you know, Catholic schools, a lot like being in prison. You get dicks in the air ass when you don't want them. Yeah, all of our notes are don't drop the soap. Dark and dark. So yeah, so they go oceans, eleven and undereye gas on this one. And Dave like dresses up in a mop bucket and shoots himself down the hallway. And again, I maybe I'm just like a grumpy dude, but like Maybe I'm just like a grumpy dude, but like all of this like childhood shenanigans. Just it felt like someone was painting my face pink with cum. Like I just could. It was so revolting. I fast forwarded anytime someone wasn't talking.

Yeah. Like you know how like, what's it a while you'll go back? Okay. So I grew up in Michigan and they have the Fego soda there and you can't really get it anywhere else or whatever. And I loved it when I was a kid and you go back and you drink it now and it's just like, wow, that's just sugar with bubbles in it, right? Yeah. That's this fucking movie.

This movie is drinking that soda that you loved as a kid and going, how the fuck did I look? Why am I still alive? But it feels like the CEO of Fego is sitting there next to you being like, good, huh? Just as good as it all And then like since then you found out that he raped a bunch of people with a company Actually, I really want to talk about 90. No, just tell me how great the soda is Just one day just give me one day where I just get to talk about my soda.

Also, sorry, just circling back. Did you use the phrase, it was like my face being painted pink with gum? Yes, yes I did. Okay. Do you guys want to come pink? Okay, no, no, don't even explain anymore. That's cool. All right. That's all I wanted to know. Thank you. I got worried for a second because I'm stupid, stupid thing to stop on. Obviously, that's a good thing.

It's like the red urine conversation all over again. These guys had me go out a little behind the scenes for a wee. Go to a doctor. Let's call the 911. It's fine. So it's getting weird again. Then what happens in the movie? Yeah.

All right, so he's got his buddies running the mop bucket interference thing. So he sneaks away. But before he can get out of the house, the little little little kid in his class comes in and says, Hey, man, you better disable that alarm on the door, right? Or actually, you just sort that alarm on the door, right? Or actually, you just sort of like gestures towards it. Yeah, this kid's apparently mute. And I was confused

by that. And that he's helping with this. They're going to wrap it up in the end though. This will pay the fuck off. I don't know how yet. It's going gonna pay off. Yeah, but okay, so he's sneaking into the girl's school for the most boring possible reason, right? And this is where we get the children meet cute. He meets the love interest who the movie will forget about. Yep. Yeah, hope. Hmm.

Settle. It's a movie about finding God where the love interest is named. Oh, and again, I don't want to be that guy, but like with the perspective of adulthood, having children have a meet cute is weird. Right? Right? Come on, but they nailed that hole. They called back the like biological reaction speech he gave earlier.

Yeah. I don't know. It's his first direction in this scene. It was like, I'm sorry, I just got confused by you. I'm having a biological penis reaction. What? What did you say? Again, the CEO of Fago Soda is turning to you and he's like, that kid's got a boner.

Now you laugh. This is a joke I'm telling you about a child's penis. What we can't talk about that is, I mean, 10, 11 years old, there's boners. That's what's going to happen. We can't talk about that just because those are the kids I'm molested. Oh, okay. Really? Okay.

And the Z's unsauré can't do stand up anymore. It's people like you. Subject object Eli. The object is an adult penis. All right, but so now hope to her credit is immediately in on the scam right. She sees a boy wandering around the girl school and she's like you and me under the stairs right now. And he says, Hey, yeah, no, I appreciate it and everything,

but I'm looking for Cardinal Geary. So he sees this card now. And it's supposed to be this reverent moment for him, but the guy is dressed like Burlesque George Washington. I was so confused. I was like, okay, and now there's an 80 year old man dressed as a little red riding. That's weird. They were just mentioning a cardinal. That's a distinguished thing. Oh, my God. That's the fucking cardinal. Is that is that normal cardinal wear? Do they normally

dress like that? I googled image it because I was like, maybe they didn't know every cardinal dresses like patty lapones wedding. We fight the British magistrate week. Yeah, absolutely. All right, sub question. When let's say a bunch of 11 year old girls see a cardinal in real life, are they like cardinal carlos on my booby? Beetle, mania, my friend. Beetle, manoby. Yeah. Beetle, mania, my friend. Beetle, mania, full thing.

Yeah, full beetle, mania. Booby signing, whole thing. All right. Yeah, that's where they go with this. Like he's like, oh, there's the cardinal. I can go see him, but just then class lets out and this cardinal is swamped by his tween admirers, this cardinal and fucking, sorry, I don't know who, twin girls like now. So I'm just coming with my cell phone.

Sound old. Um, Joseph Beaver. Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley. That's it. Beetlemania. Yeah. So, but, but he's like, oh, darn, now I can't talk to the Cardinal. They can talk to God because there's girls all around him. But the Cardinal goes into the men's room. So the little boy helplessly follows a Catholic cardinal into a bathroom. And at this point, I'm just like, okay, if this guy gets molested, it's on him at this point, right? And it doesn't get much better when we go into the bathroom because we go in in the cardinal. I thought for a second, I was like, okay, the cardinal is doing blow in the bathroom. Yes. That's weird.

That's what I thought too. I thought he was going to be like, Hey, kid, perfect timing. Didn't think you'd be here until later. But you know, this is actually great. I didn't think I was going to be doing blow quite yet, but no, it's perfect. It's perfect. Come on. Come on. But no, he's not stored in Coke. He's dying because he's old. Yep. Right. And basically, and then if this is, we're writing him out and all together because basically the kid, Josh looks at this guy, he's like, well, fuck, you're no better than my grandpa. I'm looking for one of those undying cardinals. Adults refuse to give me a straight answer. Thank you. Yeah. And then

he leaves the bathroom finally and Julia Stiles is there, his sister. And he's like, yeah, that was depressing. I don't think God talks to that guy. He was, he just offered me blow or to blow me something with blow. He's is not not God's friend, definitely not God's friend is my conclusion here. All right, so then we move on to act to denote it with a title card that reads December, the signs. And I never thought I'd be wishing that I was watching sign. Get it? It's an M nightshuffle.

I mean, then I spent the rest of this movie looking for call forwards to the other things. I was like, oh, is there going to be a kid doing a split? Is something going to, is something going to be happening? No, nothing will be happening. He does not give that one away. Go on an air bender. So that was Shamanalan. Yeah. Yeah. Oh God, we've done a couple. Yeah, right doing this.

This is not our first. I quit the show. All right. So we spent a couple of minutes on the boy, does the cafeteria food suck scene. But again, it's not like a cutesy. Oh, the lunch lady makes me yucky mish potatoes. It's like in Catholic school, we were forced to eat our food and clean our plate in a horrific love crafty and hellscape. So what we would do is we'd pass these clopped food that we chunked together onto a single tray, which would then be stolen away across our wet clothes and our new bile skin until dumped in a trash can. Shenanigans. You're just, you're turning to the thing.

Go see you. And all of a sudden he's got fucking tentacles coming out of his eyes. And he's like, let's talk about my soda. It's this moving. You don't eat your meat. How can you have any? Yeah. You might as well turn into a wall again with more rapey hammers.

Yeah. Absolutely. All right. So now it's time to go to fifth grade confession and weird. This scene pisses me off right because it starts off with this brilliant comedy set of the narrators going like, then it was time for confession. We didn't really have a sin stick in Fess. So we just made things up to tell the priest and I'm like, okay, a kid making up a confession

could be really fucking funny, but we don't even use that setup, right? Nope. Not even a little. And Teddy's got no, it is seen 74 of 867 where this kid is like, hi, I'm a child. I don't understand that God's not real. I'm going to ask you a direct question and you're going to be pretend I'm asking a metaphorical one. You ready? Where's God? You mean literally in my heart? Do I? You just ask a question to a question. Then under every no, no, I mean in a location, give me like coordinates. Just let's, so I check all the leaves. No. Oh, God. Yeah, it was

so sad, dude. It was like, all right, father, whatever the fuck you're like 60 and you never met God. Obviously, do you want to like kill yourself? Was that a giant waste? It's a priest is just like, yeah, yeah. It was. Yep. Yeah. It gets like, do you ever feel like your job is kind of fucking useless? And the guys like, well, you know, you don't know about the molestation perks. So I can see why you would think about that like that way. But you have no idea how much money I have stolen how many grabs I have committed my son. You get out of here and look for literal answers to metaphorical questions. God, check those leaves.

Can we just talk like, how are you? You're not doing. I feel like nobody asks you how you are. You want to say, honestly, Josh, gay, I'm gay and this is ridiculous. It's a fucking nightmare. All right, and then we go to the locker room because Catholic school really didn't just mean child rape back then. And Dave again calls it out. He's like, Hey, apropos of nothing because this will literally never affect the movie. Is

it healthy for adult women to watch naked children in an unsupervised environment. And Josh is like, shush, this movies about vagaries equaling. Stop it. Dave. Stop it. Mons and moms don't count as women. Yes, the fuck they do. Yes, they do. Just Google that shit. Yeah. And then of course, we have to go back to Brickman, the mentally ill kid and they're like, oh, no, Brickman's running around naked with his underwear on his head. It's the best. And the nuns just like, oh, Brickman, he's like, please help me. Classic.

Classic. You never get some trouble. He gets sent to the headmaster, but he never gets trouble on just naked. What the fuck? And I don't understand. He's still has the underwear on his head when he comes out too. So weird. Huh. Yeah. So we go to Jim class and we have the moment where all the kids have to do arm circles because the coaches so mean. Yeah. They're doing physical torture now. This movie is a heavy handed documentary about North Korea. It really

is the right. It's there. There's so much like we had a lot of fun in the gulag in this fucking movie. So yeah, so they do their, their arm circles and then it's time for, they love this. It's general ball using time, right? That's how Jim class worked, right? They just have a lot of balls and they fucking you figure it out. I mean, I've been in a gym class. Like gym teachers sometime, you guys had that sad gym teachers. It's like, okay, balls. I'm trying to blow whistle. I have too much spittle. I'm just going to make the noise. I'm going to sing the noise as an adult. You'll look back on me and realize I'm an alcoholic, but now I'm sleepy. I was wondered where they got that suit, by the way, that like matching enormous

sweatsuit. I like, well, I'm going to need those. I think when you miss your eighth child support check, they just send it to you. You just get one of those. I wanted to see his closet. Like it's just like 10 different colors of matching sweatsuits. Yeah. All right. So and then speaking of things that never come back or matter, this is also the scene where Josh accidentally kicks a soccer ball into the bullies face. Yep.

Never matters. You were thinking it was going to set up something. He just gets the ball at him and then runs away. Bullies, right? You heard about this? Have you seen this? Yeah. Joke over. No follow. Right. Yeah. Exactly. That's how they do every joke in this movie.

And he still won't play ninjas with the fat kid. Yeah. No, he's still being mean to the fact being a dick. Just play whatever. So it would be funny at least to watch fat kid play ninja. I mean, come on. Yeah. All right. So that night, he's looking up God on the internet. And I just wrote my notes, atheist in three, two. Yeah. But he's using like, DOS to like access the DARPA net. It was like 1998. There was like windows and search engines for kids like guys weird. No, this is the golden age of internet atheism. I mean, you'd look up some atheism stuff and an algorithm didn't think that you wanted to watch videos

about white supremacy. It was the best guys. It was the best. You have to go out of your way to school the algorithms. You go on YouTube. You go on YouTube and you type in atheism. If you can make it four clicks without them being like, do you want to talk about the difference between head skull shapes? YouTube just, no, YouTube knows me. If I go to YouTube and type in atheism, it's just like here are a bunch

of videos of you. More girls roller skating. So he's always, he might be searching for something else, but it's just girls roller skating. I just get bacon porn. Yeah. All right. So then we cut to him at dinner and he's like, Hey, guys, we should all go on a vacation together to Rome. Right. And again, this is C in 75 of 867, where the adults are like, Oh, you want to see the Pope because you're looking for God. Glances, not, hey, all right, come on, we need to tell you that we're all pretending. Yeah. Pretending.

Right now, to be fair though, this is 98, that's still John Paul, a little less creepy than if it had been pendant a little bit that we know of. Yeah. Well, right, right, yeah, exactly. But then they have like, they like fake proof of their sign of God here, right? Because his friend told him, hey, man, it's going to snow and we're going to have a snow day. We won't have to go to school.

But like in all of the fucking real times that anyone ever said that some slow starts to fall like they said it would, but it's not enough. So fuck them. Bullshit, we're just going to get a delay. Fuck, I didn't do homework. Damn it. Right. Every time all the teachers are going to be mad too. But there is just this brief moment where he's like, it's snowing just like CNN said Anderson Cooper is God. But he works out that the wakes up the next day. There's not enough sun. He's like, fuck it. They ain't by Betty's gay. Everybody turns out to be gay. Stupid. But he sits at his desk on exercise ball. Anderson Cooper would be such a good god. Oh, I'm an engineer. That was good.

He's pretty smart. Sure. All right. So it's the next day in school. And they're in singing class. Apparently, we have a professional chorus and one kid in their fucking. Why are they in fucking school for boys? It's also the Broadway cast of Billy Elliott. I know. It's insane. And then the fucking the priest that he was confessing to earlier, he goes like, Hey, guys, if we sing good enough, maybe God will hear us and tell us if our grandpa's are in heaven. Wink, right, Josh? Yeah. It's so we, this whole movie is like, what if it results humor to kid about the tooth fairy until he ripped all the teeth out of his skull, the movie?

Right. Yes, it is. All right. So after, after singing classic goes home and this is when like he gets home and he sees that mom has cleaned up the dead grandpa mazzolium room. Right. And he makes such a horrible whining sound for the next 16 minutes of this movie that I literally muted it and read it in CC. If anything happens in sound, you guys are going to have to tell me about it. Nothing happens.

No, no, you're saying. There's a blanket statement for the rest of the movie. Absolutely. All right, so now it's time for him to have a little heart to heart with Rosie O'Donnell. This is my favorite scene. I love this part. It's such a weird place to go for humor.

Because Rosie's like, so I heard you were, you were being a Muslim. And I'm like, what? Wait. What? But it turns out the kid in his search for God is now trying on all the different religions. Oh, this kid's the best. You guys don't like this. You don't like this kid. No. He was practicing spite Islam. That's so funny. Well, and what I love here is that Rosie is trying to say, kid, I need you to stick on our team. It doesn't make any more sense and we're not sure we're right, but I know this, it's

really important that you're on our side. Yeah, right. But then she kind of cracks a little bit. She's like, so did Muslim praying work or just asking for a friend. I'm not being lesbian. And kids like, uh, mostly just made me think about the carpet odor. So that's no, not really more than I get out of Christian prayer, but you know, it's still not good. And I love to like, she's saying like, look, I understand you're looking for God.

A lot of people spend their whole lives searching for God. None of them ever find him. It's weird that we don't consider this a clue. Why am I in this film? What purpose does this serve? Oh, you said about your dead grandpa. Let's switch it around. She also asked him about his Hindu experiences because he's been doing that. Apparently he was fasting to be Hindu because he read about Gandhi or whatever. He's like, yeah, I fasted for like six hours. I mean, it wasn't that long. The six hours count as a fast. And Rosia don't look to him. She's like, does six hours count as a fast? Take a look at me. Six minutes counts as a fast verosio. Look like Steve Bannon before the curse. Obviously,

I have no idea if six hours counts as a fast. This is a two shot. Every time they cut to you, they signal me and I start to eat something. So you know. Yeah. So they have the little Hanukkah joke, Dan. She's like, can we talk about this on Tuesday? He's like, no, it's Hanukkah. Get it. I'm also Jewish. I'm a Jew Muslim Christian. Atheist Hindu. You fucking an anti-Semite. Yeah. I got Hanukkah that day. And then we get him shopping with his folks wondering why his mom and dad are being so darn nice to him here lately. And it's time for freshman philosophy 101 and a nine year old. Yeah, this like we have this whole scene where he's at the toy store realizing that the toys are meaningless to him because of

the impermanence of life. I want to get super duper real here. Oh, I wanted mom to get super duper real here. Hey kiddo, what's up? Oh hey mom, I think I just had a revelation. Oh what's that? You know I used to think toy stores were magic but now all I see is plastic. All of magic is gone. Oh come here kiddo. Let mommy tell you something, okay?

Yeah. You see, magic is for assholes. Wait, what? Listen Joshua, the world is filled with fascinating, true things like science and art and philosophy. I mean, there are brilliant ideas and unique human relationships out there.

And everybody knows that. But some people, honey, some people aren't happy unless those things, you know, pop out of nothing like fucking gargamel. And you know what, honey? Fuck those people. But if we're all just going to die in the end. I know, I know who gives a fuck. If we were gonna live forever, would sunsets be prettier? No. Would music be more beautiful if it was played by a fairy? No. You can roll that attitude right up into a tube and fuck yourself with it, kiddo.

I mean, whether we're rotten bags of meat or a computer simulation, it doesn't matter. Ultimate truth is for shit holes, on boring, empty, thoughtless shit holes. How about we get you an Iron Man, huh? Yeah, Iron Man. There we go. Oh, God, I want that movie.

I want that movie so fucking bad. And then from this point on, it's just about them diagnosing brickman. Let's help your friend, huh? You want to do that? Okay. All right. So now we go over to Billy's party, who's Billy, who gives a fuck? It's Billy's got a party.

He's a Billy's party. But he, again, Childhood Religion An got a party he's a Billy's party. But he again, childhood religion shenanigans, he's meditating. Yeah, there's a lot of this like boy, all the religions except Catholicism sure are weird. Ha in this movie, right? Absolutely. But luckily he gets distracted by the love interest here and we get some more biological reactions, which are adorable. This was fun. Yeah. He's meditating with his two buddies sitting next to him. And he's like, you guys fucking suck at meditating because the whole time they're like, my face, itch is a little bit itchy on my face a little bit. He's like, shit the fuck up. We're doing a thing. And I got to say, when I've tried

to meditate, it, your face does it. And it's really hard to deal with. That's what I think that's fair. But he yells at them and they go away, but his eyes are close at this point. And then his girl comes up, sits next to him. And he's, he's amazed because he looks up and, you know, he's like, holy shit, I just turned a black boy into a white girl by meditating. The Mormons were right.

And I'm a wrecked. Feels confusing and racist the same time. And good but bad. And this is where he can't talk and she says, just say what you're thinking and listen to me very close. If a woman ever tells you to just say what you're thinking, never do that. Literally never do that. Ever.

Ever fuck your hair. What? Don't do it. That's always what you're going to say. No, it'll line. Write it down. Memorize it. That's what you say.

What are you thinking? Boom. Say your line. Boom. Say it right away. I just wish you said that I wrote in the notes. I'm like, ah, the innocence of a girl learning to never ask that question again. That's cute.

Yeah. Where's her growing up movie where you, where all of a sudden we cut to her therapist where she's like, and then he said, but luckily we are interrupted by Dave, who's the fucking best, who's going to go jump in the pool, because he's a hard fucking nihilist. Dave does not give a fuck. He's jumping in. It's middle of the winter doing it. And he does it. It's the best. Yep. Yeah. And Davis, well, Davis being cool, Josh is inside boring the shit out of hope about God. But Dave does it too.

Like so cool. Everybody's like gathered around him and he's like, he pauses and he makes him pretty like hold on his big pregnant pause. And then finally, he's like, okay, let's roll. Like he's fucking Nick Cage and got in 60 seconds. It's the best. Like, low rider, Donnie, Donnie, low rider. Let's roll.

So good. I love Dave. I love Dave so much. David's the ship. All right. So now we're at school letting the kids out one at a time. They have the thing where they'll have to sit in the room until their parents show up or whatever.

We'll see this shot several more times. And Dave and Josh are talking basically Dave it like, dude, hope is way out of your league, right? He says, hope's way out of your league. And then he destroys the entire conceit of this movie. He's like, look, either there's no God or there is, and he doesn't care that you're looking for him. Let's fucking party. Yeah. Yeah. No, Dave is the hero of this movie. So that night he's sitting in his grandpa's death chair wondering if maybe this God thing all is nonsense. And he begs God to show him a sign. God does his usual nothing like this is so fucking sad. Again, like this is

the the the the the fego rape thing. This is so fucking said the kid was running through his house asking mom, dad, the sister, everybody. Like, did you guys see anything that could even be misinterpreted as a religious symbol? Yeah. Anything vaginal orgasm? You guys know? No, anyway, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I need one. It's sad. This is where I realized for me what this movie is. This movie is a Christmas story. You ever see that movie? You'll shoot your eye out, right? Yeah. You talk to some people and they're like, I love a Christmas story.

And then you say, why? And they look at you and your eyes for an extended period and then they go, you'll shoot your eye out. You'll shoot your eye out. That is this movie. There's nothing redeemable about this movie. There's nothing redeemable about this movie. There's nothing redeemable about Christmas story. And yet there's just like a cult of human beings who like ate a

special pill in fourth grade. And this is a movie that I think is okay. The tongue on the on the pole when it's cold drink more oval dinner you fucking kidding. You'll shoot your eye out. Fuck you. All right. So I love that movie. But then we get another grandpa flashback, right? And this is a flashback to after grandpa. Newy had cancer and so the kids is like, Hey, grandpa, are you scared and grandpa says, no, because what I die I'm going to go to heaven and the kids is, well then why would you bother with the chemo and the dad's shut up? Shut. That doesn't just work. You keep. Oh, were they going to get chemo here? Is that what that was? I don't know. Because they like they're walking out like I thought they were like taking them the vet to get put down. But way they're talking about it, it seems like that's what's

about to happen. Although let's give wide awake its credit. Wide awake is the first movie we have ever watched that answers the look of that natural thing, right? Cause Robert Lose, he's like, how do you know there's a heaven? And he's like, look at, kid, look at the snow. The snow is all the proof I need. And the kids like, watch that just crystallized water falling down because of the pressure and the temperature changes.

And he's like, whoa, kid, you just destroyed my world. Oh, the entire mind. Do a real off of a black dick. Oh, wow. Grandpa was really clean and hard to that snow. Well, I love to because the kids as well, grandpa, they taught us in school that the snow comes from this and the grandpa's like, yeah, but that's not what I'm, you know what, you're gonna have to find your own proof.

Young grateful little fuck. Yeah. Is my proof gonna be an easily explainable natural phenomenon? Yeah. Yeah. Probably. It is cognitive distance, am I right? All right. So that flashback ends and he's still in the death chair and God hasn't sent

him a sign, but just then fucked if it isn't snowing because God, man, if it didn't snow, Joshua would be on this podcast right now. We could get Josh on this podcast right now. Some tells me, yeah, all right. Well, thankfully the title cards are here to tell us that we're in act three. I'd have no fucking clue where we were in this plot list. Morass, but we're going to get a third one, which means we're about to get a break. First, I'm going to give act three, the hard sell here. How's this giving act three, the hard sell bit run in this course?

Is it just extra work for me that no longer delivers any humor value? Could I just introduce the interstitial and be done with it? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the plotting conclusion of Why do we? We're all a little tired. Well, damn it. No, you left. No, it's not obviously there is still humor value there if you left. I gotta keep doing it. Pfft. Is that you got? Indeed it is, Joshua.

The time has come for you and I to talk. Oh good. I have so many questions about my grandpa. And you can shove those questions in your dickhole. Sorry, what? Your dickhole. Sorry what? Your dickhole Josh, take your questions and share them nice and tight right in your urethra. You've spent this whole year torturing everyone around you, worrying your parents, freaking

out your teachers, cock blocking your friends and why, so you can be the kid who gets a one-on-one meeting with your own mind. But, but Mr. God, my, my grandpa died. Oh, did someone die? Well, fuck my face, you're the first kid who has ever had someone die, aren't you? The first person in fact, in a whole of the universe who loves someone, who I then kill. I mean,? In fucking duck Wisconsin should you just grieve and get over it like a normal kid. No, you gotta try out all the religions and out of the fuck out everybody for a calendar year. But I just wanted

to be special. Fuck you. Look Joshua, I'm a bronze age construct and you know it. I'm not real. And if you ask real questions or think real thoughts about it for half a second, you'd know that. Now listen to your friend Dave, and kids fucking awesome. But you know who's not awesome, Joshua? You. Can I at least ask if grandpa's in heaven? No, no fucking shot read the kids stays in the picture. You'll know why oh Yeah, I have read that That's crazy ha

And we're back for more of this shit when we last left our hero He thought incorrectly that snow equal to God and apparently January through April can go fuck themselves Because we're gonna start act three with a title card that says may The answers so okay, so we're we're we're at reading class some more Yep, and it's time for brickman to steal a picture and escape the school Yep, that's what happens. Yeah, he goes full shined here. He grabs a picture of the Pope. He runs outside, climbs up on the monkey bars and holds it over his head.

There will never be a reason for this character or this scene or a resolution. That is the end of Brickman's timeline is him having a breakdown in the rain with a picture of the book. I think, I think maybe he thought he was like John Qsac say anything style, but with like a picture of a book instead of a book box. I don't know. Oh, right. Right.

He had broken up with Catholicism because Josh had put. Yeah. But he doesn't say any words. So it's very confusing. Yeah. He's the second mute kid at this school that we've met. Yeah. Yeah. They have a plethora of mute kids. Yeah. He's the second mute kid at this school that we've met. Yeah. Yeah. They have a plethora of mute kids. Yeah. So and and the kids says like, you know, Josh,

your narration says, you know, most people thought, Brickman was crazy, but I was on this Godkicks. So I kind of got it. I kind of got where he was coming from. I kind of ignored it. Anyway, I will literally never talk about him again. Nope. So then he has to go to the principal's office for some reason and while he's there, he he overhears the bully's parents wondering how they're going to pay for this expensive child rape kabbalt this school that he goes to. Yeah. And again, the movie's like, hey, maybe this is what the movie's about. Nope, no, it is not.

Nope. Uh-huh. Like, oh, man, you have to go to public school and learn about evolution and not getting molested. We got to do something like that. That seemed like the plot might turn out like that. Nope, no plots, absolutely not. Yep, and then they're all taking turns

at the drinking fountain. And fat kid wants to play ninjas some more, but Josh doesn't want to play with him because he's fat. Just playing ninja. I was so mad. He had such an asshole. So then they're all outside one day when Josh notices that the bullious poor, right?

He has this left Eli moment. You can just, if this is, this is like the pivotal moment in Eli's childhood where he suddenly realized that some kids are poor. Yeah. exactly. And if he had responded by being like gross, I'm going to go hang out at game's house. This movie would have won me back, but he doesn't. When Eli had this moment, he was the bully and the poor kid, though. Yeah.

The lower middle class, I was Lord middle class. I fixed it. Everyone. I fixed it. I'm gonna fix it. Patreon.com. Florida's got awful and you can fix it. Please fix it.

I just bought a house. Filmed poison. Alright. So apparently they're outside because there's an important Easter ceremony that the girls part of the school is doing, right? It's insane. Coffee behavior. They come out in white dresses and they and I know, I know you all really did this.

You can just save this. Is this fucking it? Yes. What the fuck is it? What would they do? Who knows the saint de Santa Maria blabad de blue Be repilip maca maca. It's some horrible Bronze Age tradition that this movie wants me to look back on like the fucking wondergear's theme is playing Wow what to do with this thing

Fucking horrifying Oh, well, well, fucking horrifying. Yeah. But of course, among the girls who's going up and lay in their wreath found for Jesus to pledge their virginity to him or whatever the fuck this is about is hope, the love interest girl. And she decides to give her silly crown of flowers to Josh instead of Jesus. Yeah. And then gets violently dragged away by a nun. Will this ever come back in the movie?

No. It was so weird. It was like, here's a flower. I will be physically abused by a nun for this right now. He's identical. He's identical. So yeah, the nun might as well like walk over slowly, fucking lock a highs with Josh and chop this little girl's head off.

Like bring in and never address that ever again in the movie. It would have been equally impactful. Well, if I'm not mistaken, this is the last we ever see of hope too, right? Yep. It's the end of that. The M night Shyamalan is killing off all the plot lines. This movie is and speaking of which it's time for the bully to have an exit from the movie. Yeah, you're right. Yes. Yes. We're just writing them off one after the other. Wow. Yeah. So the bully's getting picked

up, but he's never going to come back because he's too poor. And they have this moment where like Josh runs out to bid his bully farewell because he's too poor. And they have this moment where like Josh runs out to bid his bully farewell because he secretly realized that he wasn't to BDSM this whole time, I guess. It's who knows? We don't care about this character. Just because the movie cares doesn't mean I care. Right. The movie even asks the movies like, why do I have any sympathy for this asshole with the main character? And he's like, I don't know why. I have no idea. It would make no sense. Like if this was a movie, this would make no sense. If he opened up the door and he was just like, Hey, Freddie, fuck you. You want to

want me back door. Baster. Or, no, or if you opened up the door and ready, it was like nerd, fuck you. Ready's dad hit some with a cream pie. Fuck you drives away. Nice. Good job, son. Classic. And because we are on a plot murder spree, it's time to get rid of fat. Fred.

Yep. Yep. Exactly. Oh, so, okay. So then we go to a field trip to a museum. And I was thinking at first, it's like, Oh, a museum. This ought to knock that finding God thing down a peg or two. But no, we're not going to do anything at the museum except make fun of Frank's childhood obesity, right? Yep. Just just shenanigans of getting stuck in a turn style with baby heath. Yeah. So like the fact it tries to go through the turn style along with Josh and they get stuck. And so now it

looks like they're having anal sex right in front of everybody. Well, I mean, the turn style spoke thing is inside of that. Yeah, I guess he is having a little sex. Now you mentioned. And then because they're never going to redeem this character, he's like, I'm going to vomit in your mouth now. And apparently that happens. Yep. Yeah, right.

And then like that scene is over, right? They get him out somehow or whatever. And the fat kid sitting alone by himself, thinking man, assuring them fat and dorky. And so Josh decides to go over and talk to him and say, Hey, you can hang out. I'm not going to play ninja's with you. I know that's sort of what we had set up. But you want to make fun of this statue or something. And the fact kids like, you've shown me some amount of attention. Now I won't commit suicide. He might as well just look at camera and go re-solved. Yeah. All right. So now everybody's taking a test and what a comically large pile

of eraser shavings this one kid has accumulated. Oh my God. There's this panning shot and it's the Dante's inferno of pencil management. There's a kid who's a race like hundreds of erasers. There's a guy who's got pencils, but they're like the the fego soda guy has them for fingers and he's slowly like running them in and out of his mouth and they come out sharpened. It's a hellscape. This movie is a goddamn hellscape. Yeah, and okay, so keeping in mind that we are late in this fucking film, Josh in narration starts talking about all the brain cancer symptoms that his buddy Dave has. Yes.

I mean, that would have been a plot with, I mean, granted 15 minutes left in the movie. Great time to fire up a plot, but they don't even fire up that part. But they don't know. Yeah, so mild affliction, but all right, but but now it's time for Josh and Dave to pull off another caper to fix the test that Dave just fucked up, right? Yep. They're going to sneak in and steal the test. If you're wondering, what does this have to do with the movie? Nope Nothing

Nothing That's just what this scene is is all Yeah, yeah, the mute the mute kid helps him though He'll like alerts him to the to the teachers come in when they're trying to fix the test And then they hide behind the desk and don't get caught And that's it. That's it. That's the fucking scene.

When the nun walked in and they were hiding, I just wrote in my notes, say you already got molested today. Nobody like saw this. If she saw them and they just start like fucking, that would be the move. You're not getting in as much. You're not you're not getting trouble for cheating on the test anyway. Yeah, right. Right.

Exactly. All right. So, okay. Now it's later, I guess, and Dave sure has been missing an awful lot of school lately. So when Josh's mom picks him up, he says, hey, can we go visit Dave? He was sick and miss school. And I want to go and find out if it's contagious. And mom's like, sure, hun. Absolutely. I'm not a participatory parent in any way, shape or form. You want to drive

to mom is going to take a nap in the back. Go for it. Right pedals go left pedals go less. And I love, okay. So they get to his house and the narrator basically comes up and says, this is a significant scene. I can tell you everything that happened that afternoon and I wrote in my notes. I hope so. You're the narrator. If the narrator was just like, I don't fucking remember can you just do it? Is there a plan? It's like 10 minutes left. I was just I checked out by now.

I thought we were, there's not enough time for a plot. Can we move on? Can we just end it? Jesus. Great. Apparently not though, because he finds Dave under the stairs, all bloody in your end shit and you're like, oh, he does have brain cancer in this whole movie.

It's about how awesome Dave is going to die. But, but no, he has epilepsy. I'm not trying to like down, I know it's tough. You know, if you have epilepsy to get through life with epilepsy, but you know, it's just epilepsy. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it bruised his lip. Yeah, he's gonna have to take good care of himself. I mean, he's gonna be fine. Good deal of ice. Probably that's a four minute left in this movie. Fuck him right up. He's gonna have to like miss out on a whole generation of VR. Can't get on Twitter. It's the worst.

All right. so now, Josh's parents are filling them in on Dave's condition that night, you know, and they're basically going like, you know, don't worry, it's bad, but it's not like, you know, make a movie about it levels of bad. He's gonna be, he'll be, it would be an anti-climax.

Let me tell you that. Yeah. All right. So now it's time for him to like resolve his search for God and realize that it was all a bunch of bullshit, right? He goes like, final journal entry. We did in fact evolve from filthy. Oh, shit. We have another grandpa flashback. Hold on. Hold on. One more grandpa flashback. Yeah. And this is the grade, whatever foot races. We see the kids racing.

It's so badly for fat ninja kid to come running in 36 minutes later. So, Muaykha just got wild card. Oh, wild card. What crater are we on now? Did I win their race?

Cause technically, who wants to go to Paris with me? I'm vomiting. Rosie O'Donnell, no, barking of the wrong tree. All right. So, but Josh gets ready for his race and he turns to one kid and he says, Hey, I'm going to win this race for my dying grandpa.

And then he runs, but he falls down because he's a shitty clots. This movie teaches an important lesson when you're a loser stayed out. Right, but there's this moment here and I said, I don't know what they're going for it, to be honest, the nun, you know, the kid falls down. All the other kids run on nobody bothers to check on the kid who's just laying there crying and grabbing his leg. The nuns are like, well, he didn't. Yeah, he lost. He'll learn to not be so shitty. Thank you two votes. But grandpa cuts her off. Right. He won't let her announce the winner. She's like, he's like, Hey, my, my grandson

hasn't finished yet. She's like, yeah, but he didn't win. We know he didn't win. Take a look at him. Do you see him finishing gracefully right now? Cause it's the first second, third, cause that's all we have trophies for her. But this scene is a perfect metaphor for the movie. It's about a little piece of shit who bothered everyone and took up everyone's time because he's a self-centered loser.

The movie, the flashback, the lifetime. He might as well vote for Trump because he can't find any stamps. And this reverie ends by the way with Josh burying grandpa's old shirt. What? That's insane. Sure. Anyway, so that's over. We've apparently were done with Robert Lozia.

We're done with the flashbacks. He's over grandpa's death now. And now we cut to him hanging out with Dave at the hospital. Right. And I should point out that if this movie had ended at burying the shirt, we couldn't have done it. But luckily we've got this scene. This scene's going to bring it home for us.

Oh, for five. Yeah. I think they spit this whole movie making us love Dave and then they ruin him in this last fucking scene. He's like, no, he's like, oh, I gave up on my God thing. And Dave's like, no, man, when you came over to my house, it was a miracle. And I wanted Josh to just be like, wait, so God gave you epilepsy so I could come to your house and find you and bring you ice for your slightly damaged lip. That's the God thing you're describing right now. Yes. Well, and the thing is, is he, but he's like, it's a miracle because, you know, I laid

under that fucking stairs with a broken arm for seven and a half hours. And if you hadn't come, it would have been nine and a half like, I mean, what? God is lazy. That's old age. Just one of the guys. God for you. I'm serious. Dave, you had two hours. You're welcome. Stop being fucking Muslim. That was weird. I've given you a sign. All right. So now mom goes to wake up Josh for school for the last time last day of school, except this time he's already awake and brushing

his teeth because this movie is called wide awake. Look at that. He's not a complete asshole for once. The movie. All right. So that day at school, they're, they're all going to read an essay about the best stuff about the school year. So the whole movie has basically been building to like, like M night Shyamalan's kid wrote a fifth grade essay that was good for his age. And he made a movie about it, right? That's what happened here. The whole movie has been building to this and even the movie can't pretend it's inspiring. No. Right. He's like, I used to think a bully was just a bully and a fat kid was just a fat kid. I'm wide awake now. And again, this moment in the movie, everyone does the standing

ovation thing. Nope. He's just done. No, I was like, okay, well, that's definitely at least an A minus very good. Honestly, the only way this moment could have been more anticlimactic if we see the none look down and like B minus. I like the part of his speech was about a boners though. That was like, really? Like, he's like, oh, shit, man. Fifth grade was tough. Like seriously, are you guys getting boners like all the time? It's just constantly like, right? Okay, hands up. Like who's dick is randomly hard? That's not your hand. But hey, you made your point. Look, our teacher

is revolting. What is that? How is that happening? All right. And now the school year is over and everyone's getting ready to leave. And Rosie O'Donnell apparently is vamping some more, right? They're like, Hey, Rosie, go close it off with some of that high brow comedy a years. They're killing off all. It's the 10 little Indians of movies. It is,

it is fucking M. Night Shyamalan sitting in his room going, no, the movie wasn't about this person or this person or this, we're just getting finales for everyone in the movie. Yeah, no, it's just, it's, it's three minutes of remember all those wacky characters from this movie. Jesus. Yeah, it's a breakfast club close. They do a breakfast club close. Sort of, but yeah, but nothing happened in the movie. Right. Remember act two, teen three, right?

Right? Right. Right. And then, nope, that's it. All right. But we're not, but we're not quite done yet. You see, there's this movie still has to, it's them night. Shyamalan, we got to pull off the twist ending, right?

So before the school year, again, and they have to take the class photo and Rosio Donald clowns, so she's like, oh, we're missing someone from the class photo. Just then Josh notices little or kid, the mute kid that told him about the alarm and shit and warned him the teacher was coming. You notice his that kid. He's like, Oh, I'll go get him teach. And he wanders off. But as he wanders off, Rosie, and I was just, no, no, I miscounted. We have everyone. What? What was that? What? Because as way for it, guys, fucking wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, weight weight, weight of a ranger comes, drum comes. Let's do this.

This is low ass drum roll here. Let's pretty. Let's build this. Let's build all my attention. Was dead. Ready for this twist? Time. No, yeah.

The fucking little mute kid was Jesus or something. Do you know? Yeah. Who knows? He's just like, hey, I've been here watching you and he's like, wait, what? And he's like, yeah, and just so you know, he's fine. He's like, sorry, again, what? And then yeah, and then he's like, we gotta go back to class.

He's like, do I? And then Josh turns around and he's like, disappear like Batman or whatever. Right. Right next to all those doors right there that you're showing us. It's the fact that they couldn't even pull that off. Right. Pans back from the disappearance and there's three open doors. Right there. I wanted the kid to pop out. Sorry, just say something. Go on back to my class. I'm in a different class. I was just checking out this dumb waiter that was right here. I just wanted to see what it was. The dumb waiter. Yeah. So, by the way, the twist ending of this movie is that the little kid could see dead people

then apparently, right? Oh, he was, he was practicing. He was trying it out. All right, and then that's it. I'm not going to bother trying to assign a moral to this movie because I can't even assign a plot. So that's going to do it for a review of Why to Wake, but it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to entice you back next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. My first miracle. Is it snow? I hope so. No, it's cancer. Oh, cancer going away. All right. So with cancer to look forward to, we're going to bring up so 176 to a merciful

close. Once again, a huge thanks to all forward, do we're gonna bring episode 176 to a merciful clothes. Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors and help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you can make a pre episode donation of patreon.com. So I've got awful, and thereby earn early access to an aftery version of every episode. You can also help us a ton of other

even go five-star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and only various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows and scanning and the instantion needed and the skeptic ride available on iTunes, sit your own wherever else podcast live. If you have questions, comments, cinematic suggestions, you can even go out

off on movies at gmail.com, legal services for this podcast are provided by the law, if it's a P. Ed. Retourist Tim Robertson takes care of our social media, our theme song was written in before by Ryan Slott, David Villager, F.S.R. Mars, all of the root music was written in before by our audience, and you're a Martin Clark and once you've used the permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen,

right? Neely Bosnick, I'm Nollusius, promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week. And just to show you how much we've got our shit together this year, we'll leave you with the animal house clone. That Frank became a podcaster, shoved it in all their fucking faces. Damn, Raiden, welcome. Freddie, who is later diagnosed with that weird aging

disease Robin Williams had in check. M. Night Shyamalan would continue to make us hate children. One movie at a time. So I want to hear just Heath's notes as he come across. There's weird gaps. He's putting a between scenes. Yeah, because there's not weird gaps. There's perfectly reasonable gaps that you didn't do for the first part of the notes, but then I got past you in the notes and then they're reasonable. Noah can attest to this.

Tired. All right. Aren't we all? When a new place happens, that's a new scene. I don't know what system you use. Well, then we can never do the movie jumper. Can we? Sometimes there's entire title cards that you don't new scene. What you what system you use well then we can never do the movie jumper can we Sometimes there's entire title cards that you don't know seen I am tire

All right Doing so much Right now did it I'm faster at you it knee. Sorobon. So. 683 times 72. GURF! My answers have gotten faster.

Not more accurate. I'm going for speed. Matt is all about speed. Not accuracy. It's like a typing test, kids. It's like a typing test. I'm going to leave that one blank. You actually get points for blanks. It's like the SAT. It's not like the SAT episode 276. This show just opens with Noah Bayley. We'll continue watching Christian movies until our brain turns to my wife. Why do our patrons keep getting bigger with the taller mouth? Say the same. Find out the answers to these questions and never when YouTube decide when Patreon decides

that they're only taken Bitcoin. Ringing. Look how wide my eyes are. Look how quiet it is. I'm totally fine. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.