God Awful Movies - 177: My First Miracle

Episode Date: January 8, 2019

This week, we team up for an atheist review of My First Miracle, the story of childhood cancer being all the proof you need that god loves us. --- Get tickets to our live show in Dallas here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-in-dallas-tickets-53204012634 --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke

I Think we like to put the fun in cancer treatment. We like to keep it see they missed so much physical humor based on Right therapy. Yeah, we will not make that mistake if you fund our movie Hey, Tron dot com forward slash god awful getting radiation the guy just like points it back at you. Hey come on Come on look at my hair Come on! Nada! Come on! Look at my hair!

Ah! I better end up a ninja turtle. That's all I'm saying. Come on! Now I've got dick cancer. I'm going to have to get chemo right in the dick. That's messed up. Not awful!

Movie! Movie! Movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be Welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know what, app, I'm going to invent. No, I don't. Tinder for oncology awards. It's going to be a good app. Lulu Kimia. Oh, nice.

Yeah. Yeah. You were watching this movie and seeing opportunities. That's scary. And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? Hey, did it disappoint you, Heath, but that app already exists. It's called the Make a Wish donor page.

I guess you could just use Tinder or Grindr while you're at the ward too. Yeah. They can't stop you. Can't stop you. And they're not going more than a hundred feet, right? You get that little location thing in Grindr. You know, which chemo patient you're talking about. It's like a metal detector.

It's the best. All right. So we're already nine cancer jokes in before we've given it any context at all. So tell us, Heath, please, what will we be breaking down today? We watched cancer. Yeah. We watched a movie. It's about cancer. It's called my first miracle. And it's the

story of how God's not a big fan of single payer, socialized medicine. It's not enough incentive to be a rich person at that point, I guess, in God's opinion. And he gives cancer to kids just to be sure nobody misses that point. So, uh, yeah, God's a deplorable the movie. That's what you watched. Well, what's he supposed to do? FedEx is miracles. He's get woke.

Get well. And Eli, how deplorable was this movie? Well, if you loved fault in our stars, but you didn't read it because mother says the devil children touched their bits. We'll love them. It's our fault, the movie. All right.

So okay, I have to ask, would either of you been at all surprised if halfway through this movie, the writer and director snuck into your house with a knife and an onion. I wouldn't be surprised if the creature people saw in bird box was this movie. If you told me there was a real of a deleted footage of just a guy wheeling around a TV with my first miracle people blowing their heads off, I'd be like, hmm, bird box makes so much sense. Yeah. Oh,

right. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best to be the worst at? Yeah. I'm going to go with the best worst content warning again, from the dove foundation. These are my great favorite. This I feel like this movie was a little edgy for the dog foundation. It was very edgy for the dog foundation. First of all, one of the warnings was sex, young man and woman kiss. Also nudity, woman in night gown in bed, semicolon, mild cleavage.

So nudity. That was under nudity. And that means they had a guy with a tape measure on his screen, check in the length of cleavage of a 17 year old girl and warning us about it. I want to see his reference chart. I would love to see his materials. And also there was a warning about language. They count for you the language files. We had but one sucks one crap one stupid one a young man calls himself an idiot that that's a warning. Also G slash OMG six they won't write out God or oh my God, but there were six of those. Also H one, I'm assuming hell was said once, they wouldn't write that out either. G's G E E Z to what?

Yep. G's and pissed one, but pissed has an asterisk instead of the letter I. They couldn't type the word pissed because their content warning would then need a content warning and took him a while to figure out the infinite regress problem on that. Basically, they were like, no, I have to put a fucking star. This is crazy. It never this getting crazy. It never stops clicking. You do it. Here's the crazy thing. You know some guy finished writing that content wording and then got on Twitter to call

someone a snowflake. My president's just locker room talk. And so I got to finish my work for the dove foundation. P.I. Nope, too close. Too close. Motherfucker, really? Really? Yes.

All right, so I had best worst criminal backstory. Okay. So there's this like, you know, like, and this is such a trope of a fucking character, but there's this character, this homeless guy who has a mysterious criminal background and he's like running from the cops and then eventually you find out what it does. And it's like one step above mattress tag removal. It's the best. Also, they can't decide why he's homeless. We'll get to it because we have to talk about this entire fucking movie, but like maybe he has schizophrenia. Did he murder a person? It's like they were two fighting script writers and the other one just kept being like,

I'm sorry. Did I say I murdered him? Because that would be stupid. Alan. And Eli, do you have any best worst? So this is odd. I'm going to go with best worst vomiting. Huh. So someone told the dueling writers of this film that vomiting is a part of chemo.

So this poor actress, who is actually fairly talented, just someone filled her mouth with peanut butter at nine random times throughout this filming and was like, quick spit it out against the window. That's what vomiting looks like. I feel like no one involved with this film has ever vomited. It's just gently leans over to a spatoon. Also, that's crazy too. You wouldn't, you know, spit the peanut butter out. That's good. That's good. That's a technique. We need that. All right. Well, if we talk about this for too long, we're going to think That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good.

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That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. That's good. about four hymns.com. No, sorry to interrupt, but I don't think anyone we know or listen to this show is going to need four hymns.com. Hey guys, what's up? What do you think of my hat? You like it? It's a pirate hat. Why are you wearing a hat?

Yep, so yeah, you like it. Pirate hat. See, no one we know needs to be like 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35. A lot of guys turned a weird solutions or do nothing when they can turn to medicine and science. Medicine and science, maybe a glow in the dark shirt. I was thinking, I was the guy glow in the dark shirt and science, a K for him's. Dot com, a one stop shop for hair loss skin care sexual wellness for men.

They offer well known generic equivalents to name brand prescriptions to help you keep your hair. What if I started talking in an accent like this? Accent, right? Pretty interesting, yeah. Like this. Blow into dark shirt. So wait, don't you have to go to a doctor or something to get that's the great thing, Eli.

Beforeheums.com, there's no waiting room, no awkward in-person doctor visits. Just a few quick questions, a doctor will review it and can prescribe what you need. Then the products are shipped directly to your door. I can buy a motorcycle, right? Or two, I can get two motorcycles. I'd be two motorcycle guy. Right? Uh, not sure anyone we know would want to use it, but just just in case, Noah, how would they try for him's.com? Well, if you want to order now, our listeners get a trial month of four hymns for just

five dollars today. Right now, we'll supplies is less see website for full details this would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor of pharmacy just go to four hymns dot com slash gamm that's f-o-r-h-i-m-s dot com slash g-a-m for hymns dot com slash gamm well i guess now we know just in case you know anyone we know or anyone who listens to the show might want help keeping their hair guys are look, I'm on fire! I'm on fire! He's saying that hurts? I mean yeah, but like... How much hair does fire guy have, right?

You don't know. You have no idea, right? Fire card! Hey, Mrs. Janssen. Oh hey, boys, come on in. Great, yeah, so uh... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He said, can you make a fault in our star's Christian movie? We weren't sure you'd be up for it, but oh boy, I'm not that much of a funny, Dutty. I did my research. For instance, I was looking at the poster and I know that the boy has to be homeless because I mean his hair, right? The boy in fault in our stars isn't homeless.

Oh, so well, he is in our movie. And of course, the girl, she has that terrible cancer of the of the ball. Nope, you know, no, Mrs. Jansen. Did you read the book? No, dear, far too much f the x in that book for I'm the stupid did you did you watch the movie based on it? No, again, same problem, but I went to the minions movie at the theater next store and I listened real hard. Got it. Yeah. Uh, well, I guess that explains why you gave the characters quote a yellow Mexican friend. gave the characters quote a yellow Mexican friend. Make more sense now.

You're the new. Who? Yeah, we're not keeping him banana. And we're back for the breakdown. And before the movie even starts, we've got a series of subpar production logos saying in no uncertain terms, don't get your hopes up. My first note is just, I picked a movie that's two hours long.

One of these times we're going to get good logos though. It's going to be amazing. It's going to be really weird. I'm excited. Yeah, but instead we get vision films, vision, oh, wow, it's an entendre and a half. We get Yale productions. Gee, I wonder if they're affiliated with the school. No. And then we open the movie on a guy on the street playing cello, like a homeless guy playing a cello. Yes, one of the famous homeless cello players. He no place to sleep tonight, just me and

my $500 instrument minimum bear minimum assuming that it's not even a little nice. Yeah. Yeah. Chelo's a weird pick for the homeless guy. He's got like a 50 piece drum set just in a circle. All right, man. like learn the violin, sell down that enormous piece of wood. Jesus. But you can layley, man. Come on, it's gonna be so easy. And also, I find this really interesting, okay? Because a lot of this movie, you know, this movie's not really about this homeless guy with

the cello, but he appears over and over again in this film. So maybe you would think they would open the credits with cello music, right? But instead we're seeing a guy play cello when we're hearing a shitty piano. Oh, no, I don't want to be that guy. We are not seeing someone play cello. We are seeing someone I assume trying to saw through a cello. No, you just have the stationary finger up top and you go back and forth with the little bow. No, I get it.

All right. The sound that must have made would be like, re-raw. Let's have, but they could have got a cellist to play the cellist and then just, ah, okay. I mean, there are ways around this shit. We've seen this done before. All right. So now we're narrator cuts into tell us that she's a 17 year old girl and she's never really been in love. And a lot of people would say, who gives

a shit, but she's dying, which lowers the stakes on this really. I mean, that's the, the matters even less. It's not like she's going to be depressed at 21, because she never had a boyfriend or anything. But anyway, so she's dying, she's 17, she's never been in love. And oh, by the way, she's dropped dead, gorgeous too. Yes. She definitely.

And they're trying to hide this beautiful actress behind her like, winter gear and her cancer. Yeah. So I was like, she's about to get like, she's all that it, but it's fucking stupid because like she pulls a pencil out of her hair and a tumor out of her brain and then like shakes out the hair that's missing and then, oh, this is stupid. Okay, forget it. But yeah, no, she's beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

The whole movie tries to pretend the fact that her head is shaved makes her like horrifying because she's so ashamed of it. But like every time she's just like, I feel like someone in her makeup was like, huh? How about this horrific beast? Look at this. Yeah, fuck you. Heralist is beautiful. Movie is racist. The whole movie was a real, real attack on Heath and I. All right. And so in addition to meeting her, we're also going to meet asshole homeless guy.

Okay. So we have cello homeless guy and then we have asshole homeless guy Sean. And Sean shows up to just be the worst goddamn person there is. Okay, I did fucking street performance before I was a busker. The worst possible thing that can happen to you is this fucking guy shows up. The worst thing that can happen to you is a fucking half drunk preacher man shows up. But the second worst is this guy shows up.

So homeless guy shows up and they're trying to fucking run people like, hey, give this guy money. Huh? Huh? Fuck yours. The worst, the worst possible. And also like the wonderful thing about this movie, right? One of the truly wonderful things about this movie is the opportunity to see fault in our stars, which is already super fucking stupid through an even dumber lens, right? Because like fault in our stars. I don't know who whispered this through a wall to whatever dove, you know, reviewer wrote

the movie. They were like, it's a mischievous boy. And the dove Christian movie version of a mischievous boy is homeless man who goes around robbing and bothering people in that order. Yep. Yeah, right. We see a pick a pocket on the way in here as well. All right.

So yeah. So he shows up there to like, you know, drum up some business for the cello player and and just then nearer. Her girl shows up and she's like, hi, all I have to give you is this quarter, but your music is beautiful. And he freezes like when a pretty girl flirts with Heath. It's this crazy awkward moment where he's just staring at her like his hands are moving under his clothes or something. There's cold. It was cold outside. That was. I'm often in cold places.

How it happens. Yeah. So. So she and and and then asshole homeless guy. Sean gives her some shit for only giving a quarter, but then he takes the fucking quarter. He's the worst. He's the absolute worst. Also visually, I'm going to say he looks like every drug dealers sidekick guy on the

couch dude. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. You are your fucking wage. It's like, you know what the real start? No, no, whatever. No, whatever the real story you think you're about to tell me no, absolutely not. Do not, do not tell me that.

Okay, but the feds that are positive. No, fuck you. No, stab you. I know for a fact he hired you because you were the only person he knows that owns a No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, asshole homeless guy. He's like, oh, do you have anything in light blue?

Not a green guy. Can I maybe get your extremely well tailored corduroy jacket that you're wearing? That really, really nice P coat that cost hundreds of dollars. Yeah. That comes around though. That makes sense later. But I feel for this actor for the guy playing the cello player because his assignment was to angrily offer this guy a thicker coat, right?

I feel like he did the best you could do with that. But I want to him in other jobs though. Like he's he's working at Men's Warehouse. Get over here. We love the way you'll feel. Come here. All right. So now we're done with and we head over to a construction site where the bulldozer operator has knotted off on the job. Okay. I'm going to save everyone a tremendous amount of time. This is cancer girls dad, right? And this is supposed to be about how he loses his

job. It doesn't lose it in this scene. Don't worry, it's a two hour movie. He won't lose his job for a while. But they could have picked him doing any job where he follows the sleep and he gets fired from the only task they had for this scene was not to pick a job where he is sleepiness endangered the life and safety of hundreds of people. That was your only job as a screener. I'm a bomb diffuser for the US government. Yeah, right, right. So he's, but yeah, but he's just working so hard. He's fallen asleep. And then we also see asshole homeless guy takes the quarter that he stole and he uses it to make a phone call at a pay phone. Um, least realistic thing in this movie. There is

a pay phone. Uh, he's a phone booth. No last bullshit. But he's, he's told, he calls and there's a girl's voice on the other end of really young girl and he doesn't say anything and she's like, I know who you are. Fucking purf. I okay. I also had that like they're later going to establish what this is, but when you have a guy who has only been established as a robber and a creeper, call the child and she's like, I know who you are. I don't immediately assume, oh, I bet they're long lost. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Kind of a creepy introduction. This is where he also take, he rolls

up his sleeve and fingers his incredibly feminine charm bracelet. Yeah, but that comes back. It matters. I'm going to say it now. I'm going to add this to the Christian movie, Bingo Canon, man wearing incredibly feminine Christian jewelry from a catalog. It's on the Bingo card. That's good. All right. So now, Diane girl is in getting some chemo, right? The nurse is not very good at giving her, uh, the, like finding her vein for the shot or whatever. The nurse is missing. She like accidentally lunges forward and gets her in the middle of the chest. She's like, oh, that's your heart, right?

And it's the sort of you were doing heroin, though, that would have been great. I would have nailed it. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. No, we have the Bumbley Keystone cops nurse. I really thought they were setting up comic relief with this later, but not really.

No. So, is she cuts in a narration? By the way, the choice of narration when this girl goes into narration is insane throughout this movie, right? Yeah. Just like the narration were interropped, everyone else talking and I have to stop and sit through it and shit. Yeah, except I figured out why this narration exists because I watched this with my in-laws and this movie is a step ahead of my 70 year old mother-in-law every single time.

So that's what the narration is for your mother-in-law who's going to turn to you and say, who is she and what's wrong with her? Boom, they're right on it. They're right on it. They got some of those kids in the pool from minority report. That's how they use their budget for this film. I guess you could call me kind of a main character in my life, kind of with protagonist. Yeah.

And the view, she's like, she's being weirdly passive aggressive about what she's talking about. Like, I know she's dying in cancer, but still I was pissed. Like, how are you supposed to treat people dying in cancer the same? She's like complaining that she's be, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, she says, I wish people wouldn't ask me how I'm doing.

I'm not okay. And it's like, that's just a polite wasn't. So you look forward to the sweet, sweet embrace of death. What do you think? After life or blackness? Go on, sit in that chair. I'm going to poison sweet, sweet embrace of death. What do you think after life or blackness? Go on sitting that chair. I'm going to poison most of your body. Cool.

I normally make jokes about cancer with the average person. Should we do that together? No, you want to be treated differently. Okay. Got it. All right. Yeah. But we learn here that she has super cancer and her mom is off to work.

And she works too much and Angelica, the main character here with the cancer sure doesn't like doing chemo. This is also where we meet Tommy, the cancer boy. Yep. The little black boy that really looks forward to chemo because it allows him to flirt with hot cancer girl. I get it. I might take a little chemo to get a chance to talk to that. I kind of cancer do I have?

Oh, it's in my chair. What? Nope. Yeah. And Tommy has a head full of stubble by the way. They like they just gave you that's not how that work. Like, and that point, I was like, oh, if he's faking cancer, this actually would be a great movie. Like, you know, I think that's a great premise for a movie. But no, they're just stupid. And they were like, yeah, shaved head. That's what happens. They just everybody shaves their head when they get cancer for fun. Yeah. But we do meet a character in this scene

who is my favorite in the whole movie, which is Tommy's absolutely fucking giant older brother. Well, I have roast jokes about this actor, but there's a chance he might find me and eat my house. So I am not going to say any of them on the air. This is the largest human I've ever seen. I had him down his black hodor. And no one in the movie goes, hey, man,

you're fucking huge. No one at any point in the movie. He is an attempt to be like, you're 90 feet tall. He is impossible. There's no way big brother. This guy is 0% related to this kid. Like, the little kid Tommy looks like fuck Tommy looks like Pete Davidson, just like a very accurate 10 year old Pete Davidson. There's no way Pete Davidson is related to the entire Dallas Cowboys offensive line from the 90s as a single person. He looks

like the demon that eats all of slender man's food. Like y'all go to the same demon lunchroom. And so now we meet him and we realize we learn that, you know, he can barely afford his, his little brother's chemo, but he's trying it super hard. He's working super hard at it. Yeah. I'm afraid your credit card has been declined. So we're not going to give your little brother chemo today. Movie stakes that won't make sense in 50 years. I hope. Yeah. And then then he goes over to Tommy, little brother. And he's like, sorry, everything sucks, man. We're gonna get a bigger apartment soon for you to die soon. Fuck. Oh, yes. He's had. That doesn't really help you. You don't care. It's not really

worth investing in a shoe bedroom. No. Okay. Yep. You're gonna die in a small one. It's fine. Yeah. I don't think it matters much. I see why you want a bigger apartment. But yeah. All right. So Tommy wanders off to the chemo chair. Well, dad's paying and cancer girl. Fucking love this angelica pretends that she's asleep so she won't have to talk to the black kid. Okay, they do not take enough time in this movie to establish that she thinks he's annoying and that she's not racist. Right, that is just the sum she's racist, this whole scene and this whole film play out way different.

It's phenomenal if you make those assumptions and I did. So I got to watch a fantastic movie. But he's amazing. He gets like an inch from her face and he's like, Hey, hey, you going through a medical procedure? Hey, medical, I'm peeling open your eyelid. Hey, I just want to do the projectile vomit right in his mouth. Like, yeah, I'm getting chemo.

I am awake now. There. Great. Yeah, I just, at this point, my notes were just, wow, is this movie's runtime arrogance? And then the end of the scene here, does the camera get dropped and left on for like a solid minute? Oh, you're talking about that weird, that pan down to the feet thing that they do forever. They pan down to their feet and then they stay on it for 28 seconds, which in movie time is

forever. Like I was pushed to the pause button and then pushed it again. And I was like, I don't know if it's paused or unbossed. Yeah, I live in this forever. That's when I wrote that thing about the goddamn runtime because I'm looking at it. I was like, wow, if you guys have four and a half minutes to spare for these people's feed, I don't think you need an hour and 51 minutes of my life, okay? Yeah.

We also get shitty nurse again for a little bit. She comes over and we also get just like this movies general knowledge about cancer because, first of all, I don't think chemo attacks only the hair under your scarf area. That works. But also she comes over and she like adjusts Tommy's chemo feed or whatever. And did she hook it up to his dick? So like, that's, I'm pretty sure that's what happened. Like he's got dick cancer and they think like a chemo goes

right to your dick. If you have dick cancer, you just plug it into the, wherever it is, poke it in the cancer area. And then one cancer, she just would have put a mask full of chemo on him. She just gives you a chemo cigarette. I feel like I wouldn't notice if she stuck chemo in a stick in this scene. I guess I wasn't. I wasn't. Maybe I was looking down and writing notes at that moment. Uh, I noticed.

Yeah. Very clearly two notices. Thank you. All right. So now, pay a little more attention to the Dix and the chemo. Hey, take it seriously.

12 year old. Take it seriously. All right. So now Angelica old. Seriously. All right. So now Angelica is riding home from the hospital when dad almost hits Sean the asshole homeless guy from earlier. Oh, classic, classic meat cute when you do a slip and fall in front of her dad's car. I mean, we've all been there. We.

Yeah. Okay. So here's, okay. First of all, I want to say this is all a play to pick dad's pockets. And I've got to say, if you're trying to pick the pocket of a man who is in a moving automobile that you aren't in, I'm impressed with your ambition at the very least. Just him coming up with his plan. He's like cars equal people with money equal stand in front of car equal profit. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. Well, and what a shame it would have been if dad didn't keep his wallet in his front left coat pocket. Yeah. Might as well. And Yeah. Yeah.

I always found it around. I almost dropped my wallet. Let's all juggle our wallets together. We're done. Make sure I get my back. Here's the other's yours. The same thing. Don't look at it. Great. Right. So he, he, dad jumps out and yells at him. He picks dad's pocket and then he goes to walk away from the scene of the crime. But he notices that dad has a hot cancer girl on the back seat. He's like, hey, baby, you die here off it. Don't I know you from the cold open?

I think it's, I just robbed your dad. And then of course, before they can pull away, she vomits, peanut butter or something. I feel like they could have got more humor out of the vomiting in this movie. You know what I mean? Like vomiting's funny, that's funny stuff. It's a good, it's a good comedy setup

if nothing else. This is chemo vomit. So, you know, depending on your sense of humor, but it's vomit, that's funny. Like, but you could have gone for the window, right, as dad closes the window, it's big splash everywhere. Like, it's vomit. That's funny. Like, she could have gone for the window, right? Is dead closes the windows, big splash everywhere. Like, physical comedy. Like there's a lot of later on in the movie. They do their first Kishie vomits into his mouth. I get it. I get it. They go to a drive through. There's a lot of there's a lot of applications. I'm just saying comedy

humor. This is just a, it's a well. Yeah. Call us the foundation idiots. All right. And then we cut to, this is a weird little turn. We cut to a little girl writing a letter to So it's a well. Yeah, call us the foundation idiots. All right. And then we cut, this is a weird little turn. We cut to a little girl writing a letter to her older brother, asshole homeless guy, Sean, right? She's going to put it under her bed. So this letter is explicitly just for exposition. Yeah.

And again, this is the movie realizing how unlikable Sean is because all we know is that he's a robber who leers at sick children in the back of a car. So she's like, dear, Sean, we were abused. We will walk that back later, but we were. So you rob people because you, no, no reason for you to rob people still. because you, no, no reason for you to rock people still. I am your sister. Love me. Fuck you, Dave. And meanwhile, so yeah, we're getting the Vio from this sister as she writes this letter, but then we're, we're crosscutting with Sean walking somewhere outdoors and he's reacting to the V.O. Like somebody needed to tell him like, you don't, you don't, do you understand what's

happened? You don't get, okay, just don't, don't, don't make any expressions. Don't react to the sound. We're not going to play the sound. Why are we playing the sound for him? That's just, he's getting confused. Turn it off. And yeah.

And so as we're getting the V.O., you're thinking to yourself, huh, he's homeless. Where do you mail letters to homeless people? But then she pulls out this box that she's keeping her letters in a pair. She has an opening credits for seven number of letters that she's written in this thing, right? Like if she expected to start pulling it out and have little cutouts of dollar bill eyeballs and knitting along the side and shit. I got it. I mean, stamps are hard to get. It's a. Oh, and then we should also point out that as Sean is going through the dad's wallet, he finds Angelica's picture. And now he's in love. Yeah. This again, the, the likable protagonist has a sick girl's picture in her father's wallet

that he stole and he's looking at it and like gently running his thumb along her face and we're supposed to be like, uh-oh, someone's got a crush. Yeah, if this is the opening for a horror movie, it makes perfect fucking sense, right? Because then he's like he's looking, he's like, hmm, I even know where they live. I have dad's address. Yep. The brilliant take on this movie is to just shoot a horror movie, but set it to the music of a romantic comedy so that the whole time just like, you know what? I going to go to this guy's house and kill his family. Shada. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no every joke about me and Eli's hometown. It's about Monroe, New York also at the same time. Crazy billionaire money remake of this movie is just a bunch of Montenegroians standing outside of her house. There's a fucking sick cancer girl in there. All right, so do I. So do I. I'm gonna go

get a bagel bagel egg and cheese. All right, then I'm gonna graduate high school at the age of 28, make a big deal about it on Facebook. Okay. No, you're not. Don't lie. That's not exaggerate here. All right. So now we've got back to chemo where Angie and Tommy are having a staring contest.

These people books or TV, you can bring a book. But they're having a chemo staring contest. That was the best. He's like, he's being all competitive. He's like squeezing his bag to get the chemo faster, like racing or it gets all intense about it. I like, he's like, you suck it. That fucking chemo staring contest. I win again. I like, I really like the kid at this point. Like, I got, I was starting to really enjoy Tommy. It was fun. Well, and if you didn't already like him, he then basically asks her what she's doing for Dick. Oh, it's the best.

He's like, yes. Oh, I have a podcast. You're white. You know that whole, if you had so many days to live thing, it's what you know, I know whenever says you'd fuck a bunch of people, but that's what everyone means. So, okay, and then we have to write dad out of this next scene for a minute. So he's like, hey, I'm going to run down to the store and get a lot of tasty things that you can't have because of the chemo jealous

It's just parading in front of her. Oh, what am I I'm struggling a soccer ball now yet found this down there Dwayne the rock Johnson came by for your make-o-wish I sent him home Look at this. I'm jump rope. There's there's no things plugged into my body. You can tell from this jump rope that I'm doing right? Cool, but yeah, she asked she asked for a soda and he's like no, you can't have a soda. All that sugar is gonna kill you awkward Sorry Why by the way, I tried to Google can you drink soda when you get chemo? And when you Google that, all you get is people saying baking soda cure is cancer.

Very upsetting. And so not surprised. People baking coke into a cake. Yes. All right. So then we head over to the homeless shelter. We gotta check in on Sean and we have to meet the homeless shelter priest guy because ultimately this is a Christian

movie. Jason London. It is Randall Pink Floyd. Days to confused. Yeah. Yeah. London, right? And he knows that he's Jason London because he's supposed to be doing the like kindly preacher thing, but he's walking around like, you can't tell by the way I get my wallet is playing in the background. Is this the homeless shelter, Pimp? Cause he's given high five shoulder massaging up high down low chest bump. You enjoying that soup? Better stay my religion. Download chess bump you enjoy in that soup better stay my religion It's insane. He's like the over-absequious fucking made or D But he's at a kitchen so it's crazy. Yeah How's everything tasting today cool? Do you guys I'll hear some few app cards for you? What the fuck are you doing?

So are we ready for dessert? Are we feeling naughty? So are we ready for dessert? Are we feeling naughty? People would you like me to sign a copy of a Daston Confusity? Guys, I mean, you're homeless, so probably not, but you know, just, you know, we made a cheesy bacon cheeseburger. It's got like a cheese puck now on top of the already existing cheese. We've had a new spot for cheese on a burger. It's no big deal. Silverware ship, Silverware ship. All right. So yeah. And so eventually though, he lands on Sean after he makes his rounds. And he's like, Hey, you have sort of a main character vibe to, yeah, I just want to let you know, we're not just a free food place. You can also love Jesus here.

If you want. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure a lot of restaurants do this. Just wanted to check real quick what religion you were. Oh, I love this. The kids answer first was great though. He's like, Hey, man, I'm a homeless and hungry kind of focused. I'm like, fucking food right now. Can we talk about this later?

And Jason runs like tell me your feelings. He's like, all right, man. God damn it. I can after I eat, please. Yeah. No, no. Hey, man, we're not just, you know, free food trying to bribe you into a religion. You're being a dick about it. I got to be honest.

You're being a dick. Right. So showing gets pissed. He has a guy. He doesn't have time for Jason London. So he leaves and he goes to dig through some trash cans. A cop catches him doing this. So he runs. This is not a run from the cop because and that's exactly what this is right. Like they needed him

to be doing something bad that a cop would give him shit for, but they can't make him do something actually bad in this dumb fucking movie because they're so afraid of Christian grandma's then rushing to the dove foundation and you said, well, you didn't tell me he was going to do pedive and do this. Right. This movie involves an angel messenger and the least realistic thing in the film is that this cop is going to catch this. And the cops doing the running like like high knees running. And it's so it's like he's watching an aerobics video. Like he's watching.

He's like doing serpentine and high knees and different. He's kicking his hands with his feet. So weird. But of course, ultimately, Sean just happens to run right into the chemo place to get away from the cops. He sees Angelica and he stops like a cartoon character smelling a pie. He could not. Yeah.

So he, okay, so he sneaks by Tommy and, and Angelica are still talking. Tommy's given him a given or the hard press on the boyfriend thing, but then Sean walks by and Angie's like, oh my God, that's that hot homeless guy that flirted with me after he stole my dad's wallet. Yeah. And then Tommy amps it up even further because he's the best. He's getting like competitive at this point. So he's like, all right, some other dude in a picture now. All right, we're going to full core press. So everybody raise your hand if you're not getting any dick. All right, great. Keep him up. Now, everybody raise your hand if you have dick to spare. Wow, look

at us both. Crazy. Crazy. Together. What is? get us both crazy together. All right. So yeah, Sean walks by and then the cop comes looking for him. Like comes right behind him. And I guess Angelica doesn't want to like sell him out.

So her and Tommy can't stir it up. So the cop will leave him alone. But the cop stops and he's like, hey, either you kids fake it cancer to cover up for a hooligan. Put trash on the ground. And they're like, been in pursuit cancer, cancer, snore, snore, cancer. So like, here's the thing though, like if they had fun looking cancer, the cop would have interrogated these two kids in the chemo.

Like if they were like, we cancer, having like a splash fight with chemo back, he's going to grill them at that point. So weird. Some thing tells me I'm made to something. I got super so graceful of chemo liquid. I'm going to score a con fight. we like to put the fun in cancer treatment. We like to keep it safe. They missed so much physical humor based on therapy.

We will not make that mistake if you fund our movie. Hey, Tron.com. Full or slash God awful. Getting radiation. The guy just like points it back at you. Hey, come on. Come on. Come on.

Look at my hair. I better end up a ninja turtle. Now I've got dick cancer. I'm going to have to get chemo right in the dick. That's messed up. All right. So the cop leaves and shuns like, all right, well, let me go in and flirt with this hot cancer girl. But then he sees dad coming, right? And he has to, he has to leave because he doesn't want dad who apparently just now noticed his wallet missing to see him. And again, this movie, I don't know what this movie wants for me because apparently this movie

wants me to be like, oh, that rap scallion, who my daughter is going to fuck robbed me. Yeah. And and and Gehleka is clearly responding well to this fucking homeless pick pocket. She has a crush now. Yeah. Like now there's like a weird love triangle. It's like a mid summer night's dream. They really nailed it actually. Yeah.

It's a, it's like a mid-summer night's dream. They really nailed it actually. Yeah, it's a good writing. The only thing we needed for this movie to be more painful is like interstitial shots of high school Eli and high school Heath being nice to girls who call them their best friend. And then this whole movie is just a personal attack. Brought you these flowers because you're so sad about him breaking up with you. So sweet of you. Oh, side hug. This is cool.

I'm going to put him right in my friend pile of flowers. Wow, such a big pile. There's not enough room there. Let me just put it somewhere else. No, I'm going to put it in the friend pile. It's okay. I'll go home and learn my lines from Fiddler on the roof. I'm so excited. Okay, I'll go home and learn my lines for Fiddler on the route.

I'm gonna pay off when I meet Josh Gatwood. I'm gonna go learn Trump at part to Fiddler on the roof. I'm thinking of the stage. I'm in the pit. Do you want to be in the pit? Arkansas, I'm stupid. Okay. Alright, so now we have to check back in with cello, bum.

He is having a car crash flashback. Drowsy driving PTSD. Yep. Um, and he's just going to need some more alcohol to get him through the night. So he goes to get some more alcohol. Now I want to admit, this was close to my best worst for the movie is best worst understanding of what alcohol does to a human. He buys what I believe is a tall boy. Yeah, he gets a tall boy of terrible beer like loan something bad. Yeah. And he gets a heroin mixed with codine level shit. Is that a Zima? No. There's 20. There's 25 and this is more than a pipe. I need, I need

another four loco. Please, please, just to make the shaking stop. Also get an Irish coffee or something. It's freezing out. You're getting a beer. That's weird. Yeah. Right. All right. So now Dad's getting home from work or something and boy are those bills piling up. Now this movie seems to think that when you go into Dad, it just means a larger like physical number of bills show up in your mail. Right. But, but you can, you can fix that if you block the next one. Yeah, right. If you leave the old bills, and they can't get the new one, that's clearly his plan. He's like, I'm just going to leave my mailbox full. Fuck them. They can't even get it to me. I didn't get that next bill. Curse it. Fine, you can keep the car. Yeah.

This is Donald Trump's plan for the economy too. I'm right. Right. Exactly. All right. So then he goes to crawl into bed with his wife. Now there's this weird exchange where she's like, oh my God, you smell really bad. Can you go take a shower?

And he's like, nope. Yeah. This this felt, I don't know. I had this little soft spot. And I like it. She's like, dude, seriously, take a fucking shower. And honestly, like, that was the extent of a breakup text I once got. It was just that we're done. Okay. So I understand. If we're broken up, why do you care that I take a shower? Just so you know, I'm not going to take a shower because you were my feelings just now when you told me. For spite. There you go. I'll take a shower when I want to.

I don't know. I'm not going to want to for a while, but that's not the point. I'm not even itchy yet. Why? I'm a little itchy, but like I like it. I like a medium itchy. Yes.

All right, but yeah, but they have a fight and then they start arguing about who's going to take the kid to chemo, Classics and Anagents. Yeah. But eventually they settle on moms going to have to drop her off at chemo and leave her there all by herself for the whole four hours with nobody, but her and a trained staff of experts that can help her. Well, what do we call this staff trained? Well, right, no, she gets back there in the bumbling ass nurse comes back and like,

you know, trips over and dumps a bunch of medicines into our mouth by accident and shit. I really wanted this to keep scaling up throughout the matter. Hi, I'm Jeff, your new nurse. Oh, hello there. Um, what happened to nurse Stebans? She was in a bicycle accident now. Let's find your blood tube. Um, do you mean vein?

Didn't realize I was dealing with a couple of experts here. All right. Ow, ow, ow. Sorry. Sorry. Tough to find. Um, you're you're stabbing her in the leg. That's that's different than normal. Right. My bad. Here we go. Got it now. Oh, it's still me. Sorry.

Okay. We just, now we turn the bag of chemo on. Not what it's called. And, you know, when this is all drunk, your cancer will be gone. Also, no, nope. Okay, if you guys need me, should give me a ring, I am Jeff. Don't help me.

Your name is Jeff, you just told us. Tip of my tongue, tip of my tongue, I'm gonna get it. Exactly like that. Again, they missed all the good chemo him. All right. Shotgun this can of chemo right now steps in the side with a key. There you go. No.

I can do that. Is that a funnel? Do you have a funnel behind your back? No. The chemo stands. All right. So now she's she's getting some chemo and Tommy's basically asking if Sean has a larger penis than him. It's the best. Tommy might as well just be like, look,

he's not your friend. You just admit that you're trying to get out of dating a black guy. I'm not saying your racist. I'm saying I just want you to be honest to me. And also, it's so Tommy wants to read her, um, his book. He has a book and he's like, Hey, can I read you this book? And she's like, Oh, for fuck's sake. No, and he's like, please? And she's like, Oh, no. What's best as she goes, I don't want to read a kid's book. And he's like, no, it's an adult book.

There's, there's fucking in here and murder and it's yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus and I really wanted to see Tommy adding like don't things. Let me tell you Virginia. You can't it's there is Santa Claus. She said is he did heroin. It's not just about Santa. Let me keep reading. I got all right. Anastasia steel loved a good anchor spreader. Is in this book. Uh, yeah. Okay. So what I love about this the most though is that he reads the opening to Yass Virginia. There is a Santa Claus, which is this movie's way of using the, like they invoke Santa as an analog for belief in miracles and they don't see the problem with that. Like, like, from their perspective, like I would do this, right? It makes sense if when I do it.

Yeah, which also this movie is where we reach the esterlan of we are quite literally just short of eye-eating parasites being the example of God existing in a Christian way, right? Yeah. We've had, we've now had kids with cancer who believe in God, the movie. We just need eye-eating parasites who believe in God, the movie. Also did it, did it not get really racist at this point too when he tries to explain where he got the book. It's from his brother, right? And like, and it doesn't matter that it's the kids black who sang this, but it was so

racist anyway. He's like, yeah, it's my brother's book. He's an enormous black guy who's not stupid, crazy, right? Right. He does weirdly do an exposition. He's like, my brother is actually very smart. He ate that chair because it was red. That's not him. Most, most food is bread. He's studying to be a doctor. We actually learned that the big brother is supposed to become a doctor

and also owns an anti skepticism themed book about Santa Claus truthers. Yeah. Just to be clear, that's what that book is about. Yeah, it really is. Okay. And so then in walk Sean looking all swanky and it forces you to ask like, what does a homeless guy do before he goes to meet up with a chick? Right? So he walks it. And Tommy is immediately on the offensive. He's like, wow, you smell bad with the homelessness. You smell homeless. And she actually says it too. She's like, yeah, I mean, you do smell. And he's like, rude. Here I am. Cording. You point out how

you're in soaked. I am mad. I would like my calling card back. Yeah, but she downplays the stench because she's desperate, but Tommy's like, hey man We had a thing going here. I was reading her. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus. You mind if I You know keep going, but apparently Sean is a big Francis for cellist church fan, so it's okay Yeah, this actor overact so badly here. He's like dude, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus is my fucking jam. It's like waiting for the beat drop into this children's book. But luckily for him and for those of us who are watching this movie and thus had to want to listen to a little kid, try to read big words. Tommy cancers out a couple sentences.

It. Right. And then we enter into this conversation between Angelica and Sean that is so goddamn random that I had to keep doing it back 10 seconds button to figure out if I'd missed an in between line. You know how you sometimes see a montage in movies where characters are talking and you see them laughing and then getting real serious and then staring at the stars and this, this was that the conversation. Like it just shifted so hard from top. Yeah, no, that's what it is. Is that the writer

was thinking montage, but he didn't make that clear. So the actress are just going, wow, why would I say that next? He actually says, is your cancer contagious at one point? Yeah. She's like, is your homelessness gross? What's wrong with you? Is your rapy face contagious? Fuck you, but it's working. She's charmed by this somehow. It's so stupid. She loves it. Oh, but there are a couple of moments that were like, fan, they kind of renamed it. They were stupid, but I loved them. He's like, so what's your story? And she's like, I have cancer. What's wrong with you. And then he goes, no, no, no, but like, what's your, what's your prognosis? And she goes, yeah? It's the best. I want to, when she said that, I wanted him to be like, oh, sorry,

wasting my time and just get some walks out. So I'm going to catch you on the cancer rebound that like life is so fresh and new thing. You know, you've been saved. No, you saved me. But if you're going out, I'm not wasting my time. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to go rob some people. I'm the main character in the movie.

Yeah. Well, here's your phone number back. I guess I won't need this. And the quarter you gave me that you, I guess, have to give a home this person. Yeah. Right. Right.

I wrote my number on the back of this quarter. But instead he gives the he gives her the wallet that he stole from her dad. And he's like, Hey, also I stole your dad's wallet here. I'm good. I'm the protagonist now that I'm giving this back. They might as well have Angelica say, man, you sure are redeemed now. Yeah, right.

Right, but instead they actually start talking about how bad the dialogue they're presently having is. Like this software moment from the writer where he's just like, you know, a sucks. Yeah, because he's like, so what are you doing? You're not in chemo and she's like, literally, we did not write that. Zero things. I have zero other interests. Also, there's this moment that I mean, I can see where they're going, but this actor is so fucking creepy. He can't

pull it off, right? So he's trying to tell her she's beautiful, even without hair, because she keeps trying to cover up her bald head. But it's, but it's, it's like he's trying to talk her into showing him her tits, right? Oh, it is horrifying, right? It's very much supposed to be the like, you're beautiful as you are, but he's like, please, I need you to show me your bald head. And man, she really wants to flirt along with him, but no, she gets all cancer. The narrator cuts in aggressively at this moment. Yeah. The moment she starts seizing up, it's like, I couldn't talk now, but don't worry. There's narration. I'm having a cancer seizure. Yeah. Yeah. So she cancers out the nurse comes and he gets the fuck out of

there. He's like, yeah, I'm gonna get blamed for this. So I better go. But he does leave his charm bracelet there, right? So he's thinking ahead. Yep. The narrator is like cancer. So embarrassing. What a faux pas. Yeah, that's how they treat it. Yeah. All right. So that night, mom comes into her room to apologize for missing her big chemo meat, I guess. I set up the GoPro. You want to watch the video together?

I didn't get to see it. Weird. So yeah, and mom's like, hey, why is your dad's wallet in your bedroom? And mom's like, Oh, he left it at the hospital. And she's like, Okay, I'm just going to accept that apparently. If the bet this movie is so sloppily written, she just starts going through her daughter's room. She's like, Who gave you that? Is this a lamp? How do lamps work? This your pillow? By the way, I watched this with my in laws and at this point my mother-in-law just said her head looks so cold. I want to watch all these movies with my in laws from now on.

They are actually so fun. All right, so now we cut to homeless cello guy on a bench and Shawn happens upon him. Now we cut to homeless cello guy on a bench and Sean happens upon him. Sean wants to strike up a friendship but cello guy would like to be left alone. Hey, and Sean gets super judgy here. He's like, hey, I do not wanna be judgmental but you are drunk and it is making us homeless people

look bad, all right? I thought you were a street cellist, not a lush. I was here to do more hype manning for you. Just so you know, take it seriously. Maybe do a few scales before you start up. You sound ridiculous. Even sound heard senior tune the damn thing. So yeah, so Sean says, get off the juice homeless cello guy.

I care about you and cellist guys just off and and and start drinking from a fucking flask. He might as well start shaking himself up a martini. That's how little this movie is. Just like, don't tell me I need the sun. Once I get a twist in line. I'm a little muddle this mint while I talk to you. I'm really stir this and not shake it as you get base chips in it.

That's what it down now. All right, so then we cut to Sean's sister's birthday dinner with her parents. And Sean calls and she picks it up and she's like trying to convince him to come. She's like, no, no, Sean, before you hang up, these foster parents are the best. There is like zero raping, zero. Sean, John, I'll prove these foster parents are the best. There is like zero raping zero. John, John, I'll prove it. I'll prove it. Ready? Please, sir, I have some more ladle gruel right there, right away. It's such good parents. Yeah. So she's given him a hard

sell on, on staying with the new foster parents that she found for him. But he won't talk at all. And then he starts arguing. Okay, so he also is the narrator sometimes, but now he is directly arguing with his voice over. Right, which is why I thought he skits a frenic, but don't worry that will never come back and will be sure. Well, he'll come back. But yeah, but they'll ignore the schizophrenia is all. It goes away as soon as he has a warm place to sleep. Yeah, he shakes it off. Exactly. Yeah, he walks it off. But right now, he's so he argues with the narrator, gets very angry at the voice over and then he punches the phone booth, which again is weird because phone booths don't

exist. Oh, it's a man. He punches the phone booth right in the chocolate syrup. It's really great. And the kids are all over his hand. Possibly the best moment of this movie is he stumbles away all bloody from the phone booth. And there is an insane amount of shattered glass. There's a mountain of shattered glass outside of the phone booth. Like, yeah, Shaquille O'Neal might as well like dunk on this phone booth. That's too much. All right. So now we cut back to dad, a sleep behind this bulldozer wheel again. Aw, shucks, dad. You got to stay awake while you're operating the dangerous heavy machinery. Right. And again, what we're establishing here is a guy who's

like, come on, man, you're super duper clearly fired. But it's like he, again, we are supposed to just care about the fact that he is fired, not the fact that he was operating heavy machinery while asleep. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. He's fired for not being conscious. I feel like that's fair. Right? Like think about this. Okay. So like if Eli kept falling asleep in the middle of the record, there's no danger here that he's gonna kill anyone. We'd still fire you. And again, the only thing they had to do to make this character sympathetic is not have him in danger the lives of himself and others as he falls asleep in his jobs. There are very few jobs they could have picked for him that would have been a worse one that maybe a surgeon, maybe just like face down and an open patient.

Sorry. It's my, do I have blood on my face? Because I was asleep in the open cavity. I probably drooled in there. I'm sorry, guys. All right. So yeah, he's fired for being asleep and elsewhere, Sean is desperately trying to bandage his chocolate syrupy hand, but luckily Tommy's gigantic brother, black hole door

is an EMT that happens to see this staggering homeless guy. Oh, this scene is incredible because it's the, it's the standard EMTs grabs him and patches him up except this guy is 875 feet wide. So everything is just him being like, I don't fit through the back of a ambulance. So I'm just going to gently toss you like a soft ball onto the. It's amazing. All right. So he's getting his, he passes out. He's going to get his hand bandaged up.

Dad's going to beg for his job back. And again, this scene is so badly written. He's like, he's like, come on, man, you know about my daughter. And his boss is like, don't guilt me with the whole my kid is kids to thing. Okay. Here it every day in a week. Yeah. That sucks.

So, uh, I don't know, maybe pray. Actually, actually, all right. So now we go back to Sean getting banished up in the ambulance, but of course he can't be caught by the EMTs again, dammit. So he holds asked from the ambulance. Now just then the ambulance gets a call, which means that black hodor wasn't allowed to chase Sean. He has to go like ambulance or something, but I so wanted to see that big motherfucker chase

somebody. I was super. I was like, I don't really get how bad could it be ambulance? Oh, in my head, he was like black Panther sprinter, just like, blam, get some so fast. It would have been amazing, but now it's just, he's shoving buildings out of the way. Roar, rola. Chuck and not bitch. Yeah.

All right. So dad gets home and damn it. Now if the entire male box isn't filled with bills, right? Like because the people writing this movie heard drowning in bills once and didn't realize it was metaphorical. Like they've been ignoring their letter from Hogwarts. But there was a Dunkin Donuts coupon. I feel like you should have taken that. Yeah. That would have made sense. You're going to want to. You're poor. You're an upstate New York. You need a Dunkin' Donuts coupon. Everybody needs those. They're great.

All right. So, you know, the event, he comes home and him and mom have to have a fight because he just got fired, right? So, but before they get to the fire thing, mom has to give them the, hey, don't worry about the bills. Just have a little faith. Trust us. We will be a Christian movie eventually speech, right? Yeah. He goes, faith is not going to pay these bills. And I wrote my notes narrator. Faith would, in fact, pay these bills. Yeah. Yep. But again, it's this weird like he's trying to do the practical side of this conversation, but because it's about cancer daughter, I want to be like, look, I'm just trying to be practical. Should we kill and eat our daughter?

We save on food. We no longer have a medical cost. I just want to have it all out there. Well, we also, there's an interesting and weird element that gets added to this movie here. We're okay. Apparently she needs a bone marrow transplant, right? But she's by ratio and therefore it's harder. These are white people that we're looking at, right? Yeah, the people are parents don't seem to be of different races.

Yeah, what race did they think they were when they made this movie? I was very confused by this. I actually looked it up. Okay, so the mom, she's from Jersey. She's the mom, the mom's an actress from New Jersey, but her last name is Cruz. And I don't think that counts. That's not enough. Which is like, I have a mirror on WS because if it's with a Zit counts. She's like Liz Warren Latino.

Yeah, I don't know. She's got like Cuban ancestors from like 10 generations ago, but we were like, oh Cuba, great. We'll get an actress from Spain to be the daughter. Cuba equals Spain. Yeah. It turns out that that's real. And now I just, I am comedically sent at the thought of someone walking in being like, hey, how's it going?

I came from my Eskimo village from my blown marrow trans, but you all look sad. Why do you all look sad? Just a half Chinese, half Lao, Eskimo raised little boy trying to get curious, can't say. And I didn't know this that like, it is harder to find a match if you're biracial for bone marrow. So at one point I was like, wait, does the transplant list prioritize

like your bread? Like, not the saying. Okay. All right. Flash cut to a big sign, the Richard Spencer foundation for bone marrow. I get it. It's like universities. Okay. I love to. Okay. So their mom and dad are having this fight or how, you know, how can we pay the bills thing? And mom says at one point, she's like, look, we'll get by. We always do. And I'm like, your daughter's going to die.

Really? Would you say you're crushing it right now? I'm sorry, you and me are going to get by not in jail. Obviously we I'm talking about us. People in this room. And of course this is when he drops the bomb that he got fired. Yeah. To which her response is just say no. She's like no you go back there. And when they say you're fired, you say no, I'm not fired. And if you go back and forth for a while, then you say, yes, I am fired. They'll switch and you know,

just bulldoze some stuff. What are they going to do? You're not hurting anybody. Yeah. So moms, just go get your fucking job back, you bum. And then we get the little praying montage from Angelica, right? These are weirdest prayers I think we've ever had. It's first we've got the passive aggressive message to God, right?

It starts, I gotta tell you, God, you are being awful, mysterious. Classic you. So, you are being awful mysterious. It's classic you. So mysterious. You were crushing it. I gotta say this cancer is a fucking mystery. I mean, it's seriously. It is good stuff.

That is good stuff. Yeah. And so as she's praying, we see like mom working hard at her job, also more puking because can't get enough cancer puking. And she also prays for Tommy, she prays for a donor. She prays that like, and this is kind of said, but she prays that if God's going to kill her, he just go ahead and get it done before she bankrupts her parents. Yeah, in the least, I'd like to die in the least expensive way, pot.

If I could fall into some kind of composting machine. Yeah, perfect. I'd also like to pray for death panels. I think we should have those. That would probably be smart. Something we'll have to do at some point is my guess. Thanks. And then she tags out of the very end. She's like, also, God, could you get me laid one time before it's all over a man? Yeah, I really love to see that homeless boy again. Speaking of the homeless boy by the way, during this scene, or during the prayer, during the little montage,

we see Sean show up at Kimo to see if she's there, but she isn't, so he just hangs out with Tommy. I'm so weird. I think I'll sit down, get some free Kimo, who's gonna check on that all right Where you going your dick you're going for dick chemo nice. Oh, right. It's going right into the dick Yeah, no, that is how it works. I wait. I wouldn't I guess that's so weird, but angelic is not here for the chemo Okay, maybe God healed her and and not you Let me get a hit of that though cool. Yeah

What's yours? All right, but then Sean comes to their apartment, right? To Angelica's apartment. And again, in any other movie, this is a horror movie, right? Yeah. Came here to rob you for meth. Right. Right. I'm the homeless robber guy that stole your dad's wallet and fell in love with your picture. I'm now here to see you. Yeah. But you're home. You didn't invite me. But she's like, you stalked me. Take your dick out. Fucking weird. But yeah. And okay. But then this is where they like sort of set up a date. She's like, Hey, if you want to fuck later or something, I'll sneak out and he's like, yeah, and okay, but then this is where they like sort of set up a date. She's like, Hey, if you want to fuck later or something, I'll sneak out and he's like, yeah, I would like to, I would like to do that.

I love how she does it though. She's like, yeah, so meet me here later, I guess. Well, not, not in here in building. Obviously, you're, you're gross. Well, where do homeless people meet? Uh, me, me, a dumpster behind the bill. Yes, Ali. Yes, you said Ali. That's what I

wouldn't say to the dumpster right there. You get in there. I'll meet you at the dumpster. See you in the building. See if for our our dumpster date later. Yeah, kids, kids these days. Put your dick back away

until then. Great. All right. So Sean's excited about the big date. So he goes to the store and inexpertly shop lifts some going on a date stuff like Cologne and toothpaste. I know we were going to see him get caught or that this was going to affect the plot, but no, it's just an inner cut of him doing the worst stealing I've ever seen. Yeah. Right. Give me a fucking break. This kid is a

pick pocket. I worked in a toy store and once saw a man bite the arm off a stuffed bear and this is the worst stealing ever seen. He was stealing that bear arm. He bit the bear arm off and then he tried to put the bear back. That's a real part of my life. I think about it about three times a day and it's still better than this. Did he bite the arm by accident or he's a bit thought he wanted to eat it. Ripped it off the bear, looked at it like, well, this bear

cannot withstand bites and put it back. There's no good. This coin isn't real at all. I'd like to return this bear. I bid it. And it's a part. Yep. I've been thinking about that guy for like six years. What was going on? What happened? Cause I didn't go over and go like, Hey, this is the most important moment of my life. Please discuss this with me. The assumption I thought about this for several hundred hours, my assumption is his kid choose things. And he was like, gotta make sure I can chew on this. Nope. Failed the chewsetos. I choose not to purchase. Oh my God. I'm going to be so happy if he's listening right now. He's like, Mother fuck,

you've got to be kidding me. That guy's something to it. If you're listening, please reach out. I thought about you every day for most of my life. All right. So now we're going to cut back to the homeless shelter. Uh, cello bum is back on the sauce and the pastor's very disappointed about that. Okay. Everyone treats this homeless guy's drinking is a disappointing surprise. He's like, really, really? I thought you were working on a symphony man. What's going on? And the pastor has a weird, he's like, Hey, man, do you have any guests on the male lead? I feel like I only matter to this story in relation to him. I was in a list of undisclosed backstory. That's going to get resolved in another

act. But shallow guy doesn't know. So he goes to booze it up in a bathroom stall. But then Sean goes to that very same bathroom to get ready for his big date. Uh, and the the cello guy sits on the floor. Ha ha ha ha had a lot of trouble with this moment. Pretty fucking gross. Yeah. So Sean comes in and he starts taking one of them homeless paper towel baths. Yeah. Which is ridiculous. Come on. Everyone knows homeless people go to planet fitness for for a shower. Also, everybody knows that it's not just homeless people that have to wash their dick with a wet towel sometimes. You work in a

restaurant, you got the swamp ass mid shift, you got a towel at that little gold bond, little heavy cream, fix it up. Right. But this is this scene is really about Sean getting an argument with his reflection again. Yeah. Right. That him and his voice over start arguing, which, which quite understandably freaks out cello. He's like, Hey, man, I'm, you're a different type of insanity than me. That's not, I'm uncomfortable. Excuse me. Trying to enjoy some toilet floor drinking, you're spoiling it.

Root. Turn him a little floor picnic here. The fucking balls on this cello guy. Like, somehow he reverses the power dynamic of being guy sitting on the floor of a public bathroom. Right. It's nearly impossible to have the conversational upper hand when you're sitting on the floor of a public bathroom.

So, but he fucking does it. It's amazing. No, he does. All right. So, and then as he's leaving Sean's amazing. No, he does. All right. So and then as he's leaving Sean's like, Hey, cello guy, what's your backstory? And cello guys like not quite yet, bro, it's still act too.

Yeah. So homeless pick pockets going to go find more love in his life than he that's this. To be fair, he is actively pursued a woman. So that's on you. I walk around some hospitals. I tell him, I'm a dick down yesterday. You don't know.

Lulukimium. And I would like to tell you what happened in the rest of the scene except my in-laws were so upset that the cello wasn't being played. Like they had a very active active very long conversation about what they would play what kind of cello they thought it would eat them again. If I can get a Patreon goal going of commentary track from Anna Bosnich's parents, we will make millions. What would they play if they were homeless cello people? Well, they actually started to play it. They both got out of their instruments on either side of me as I watched this film and started

to play a they started to harmonize with the tune. They imagined a character in a movie would be playing. All right. Well, I guess we're going to have to call that the break for act two here because I have to recover from that information. I've met these people. It's funny. If you've met them, but first let me give it a three the hard self.

It's funny either way, but yes. I don't know. Will Charlie play as fucking cello already? Shouldn't he at least occasionally be tuning it to Anna's parents listen to the show or am I just wasting my time? By now the answers to these questions and more when we return for the cheese corn conclusion of my first miracle This summer from the studios that brought you a series of unrealistic romance movies novels and TV shows Which seem deep because the characters are dying?

I will absolutely call your phone. I'm just asking, have you looked for it at all yet? No? Okay. Can you look? You found it? You found it. Okay. Comes the first realistic love story to prepare a generation.

Okay. Great. So if you don't care at all, I'm saying let's get pizza. You just said you had no preference. Why, let's get pizza then. Okay, Thai food, Chinese, Indian, then? Yes, I would like Indian, that's why I said that. Because the next generation of lovers deserves a fighting chance. I'm at the supermarket. What do you mean by a cheese thing?

No, I don't. I don't know. That's why I'm called. Just say any word that comes before or after cheese and I will buy it for you. Any English word? This summer, love, action. Thing cheese. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha year, people like to take a step back, take stock, and resolve to be better. And while we here at God awful movies can't tell you if you need to read more or lose weight or stop hitting your dick with a hammer, there's one new year's resolution you should take up. And that's giving us money. That's right. We know what it's like to listen to podcasts. You refresh your feed, and there's our show every single week. But none of that can happen without you and your money.

So this year, make a commitment right now to go to patreon.com forward slash God awful and pledges a little as a dollar. You'll get a commercial optional version of the show up to 24 hours before anyone else, sometimes even more. You'll get access to 30 bonus episodes we've done on secular movies. And higher level patrons get free Christian movie bingo cards sent right to their door, or free VIP tickets to our live shows. But most of all, you'll be making a commitment to being a better person. Because the best kind of person is the one that gives us money. Give us your money.

Give us your money. Please give us your money. Please give us your seriously. Please give us your money. Hey, Trion dot com slash God awful. Because if we don't have money, we will die. We will. Hey, guys, you finished recording that New Year's thank you message for the show? Yep.

Yeah, I just finished it. Yep. Awesome. Yep. Thank you everybody. We'll just put it in. Dropped it. And we're back for more of this shit.

When we last left our hero's show and was getting ready for the big date and we're going to rejoin the action with Angelica counting down the minutes until she can see her smelly hobo again. She's so not subtle. She's like, ah, Nicole Goofrey, nice June, a half hour walk, you know, just pick out the outside. She actually says to dad, she's like, it's dark outside, right? And he's like, that's not suspicious. No follow up questions. No, yeah. It's dark. Go ahead. It isn't

point of fact dark outside, honey. All right. Daddy's going to let you do whatever these you want to do. Yeah. She goes like, I'm going to go to the mailbox in full makeup and I'm going to grab my jacket and coat and hat and get the mail at nine o'clock at night. Sometimes they do a second round of the mail. I'm just to make sure that's not what happened because they got what they did with two for this week. You never know. Never. No. So yeah, so she goes outside, Sean's out there waiting for her. So, they get to chat and at one point they have the, she has to like, ask them, is this a date? The answer to that is always, yes, you fucking idiot.

Don't sit there and think about it. Is this a date? The answer is yes, it's fucking day. Okay, no, why don't you get your time machine and go talk to high school, Eli and me who are like, what? No, we're just, we're just, we're just friends. We're, I am whatever you. Similar.

Okay, here's what do you think it's a date? Cause I am just here, whatever you, I'm gonna give you a piece of paper and I have a piece of paper. Sliding it. Sliding it across the day. You read her piece of paper. I would like my piece of paper back. Did you write a number?

I know. No. And my whole thought here at this point was like, man, it must be really awkward having like trying to make first date conversation with a dying girl. Right. So what do you plan to never mind? Where do you want to go to college? So in instead of like the the writer tackling this big conundrum, we just get like

the montage of them talking with music playing over it. Yeah, music note here is Lana Del Rey tooling around on the guitar while she's on the toilet. There's a son about a cat burglar. Her girler of cats. Stupid. Wait, wait. Also there's a moment here in this little montage where he wrestles cancer girl to the ground. If she had died in this moment, I would forget the whole movie. It's a crazy billion or money. I remake this movie shot for shot except when he tackles her, she just dies. And then he runs off credits.

Oh, it's so aggressive, too. He's like, show me your goddamn ball head right now. And he just tackles her into the snow so violently. Yeah. I was hoping they'd like, like, start fucking so I could see like a bald vagina scarf that she also had on, but like, you know, I don't get into it. All right. So meanwhile, bagging home, mom gets home for work. And she opens up, she's like, oh, I see you're looking for work. It's 9.30. P.M. Really?

Really, you couldn't go on one of those night interviews. Yeah, what? I'm like, mom, you're getting pissed about the entirely wrong thing. Your daughter left the house hours ago and he doesn't know where she is. He's very confused by this. He's like, yeah, she wouldn't,

we're not gonna get a pack of cigarettes. She would come back. I figured, you know, as well, once you get a diet, lung cancer. Come on. Yeah, but they have no idea where she is. So, okay, so we cut back to Sean and Angelica and their, Sean is waxing intellectual about the vastness of the universe. Okay, I have a question,

because this comes up all the time. When people look at the stars, why do they feel like small? Like I get why you are, they're big, and you're physically small, but they always mean like, I feel so unimportant. It's not like the stars are making a nice statue.

Meanwhile, you're sitting at home and you're underwear eating cheese. Like I get I get being like, Oh, I am small in the universe is big, but most of the universe is just blanks. I don't understand being like, I'm less important because there's a fiery ball of gas and a million miles away. What do they think is happening there? I love to because like he goes like, whenever I look at the stars, I feel so worthless. And I'm like, dude, don't try to win the fucking worthless game with a girl dying of cancer. Give me a fucking brain. Blame the stars. Yeah, right, right.

Bame blame the fact that you're a half ass pickpocket homeless guy. But this is where she explains to him, like the complexity of the bone marrow transplant that she needs. She says, okay, I don't know if this is true or not. This is so goddamn weird. She says, well, we need to find somebody who is half Irish, half Latin. All right. One side of that is a small island off of a large island, off of a little tiny thing that

we call a continent, even though it isn't. And the other one is a continent and a half, right? Why does the white people part have to be so fucking specific? That's tricky. Also, Irish people don't usually, you know, fuck with the room. Sorry. It was really, and I'm in Monroe, New York. So, my dad was drunk. He didn't even realize their last name was Cruz at the time. No, this is a fluke. Well, and then okay. And so then he gets super philosophically. He's like, okay, so if you need a bone marrow transplant, you're not going to get one. You're going to

die anyway. Why do chemo? And she says, well, we allocate limited medical resources stupidly. We need some death panels really, honestly, the whole thing. He's really nailed it earlier, but more eugenics. Thank you. Thank you movie. Exactly. Yeah. And then she starts crying and fucks the whole date up. Looses this powder.

He's just like, oh, so we're probably not going to do sex stuff because you cry. Was that cancer crying or sex crying? No, no, I think this, uh, I'm settling for you cry because I like those. Well, and also this, this moment really explores how deeply the writer hasn't thought about this issue, right? Because she writes these lines for the, for cancer girl that says, like, oh, you know, I'm so sick of trying to be brave for everyone while I have cancer. And it's so awful to which Sean says, just don't give up. Okay. That's the fucking problem, right? Terming succumbing to a fatal disease as giving up. That's the part that fucks these people up,

that that's what she's talking about right now, but not wanting to have to be brave for everyone. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, look, I got this poster with a kitten on it. This is hanging there now. Just bear with it's mine, but you can look at it for as long as you want. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. with it's mine, but you can look at it for as long as you want.

Here's a couple spoons. Good. I think with it. All right, but quick before they can get a weepy smooch in trash cop, the cop that guards the trash can outside the donor that chased him into the hospital earlier shows up to tell him that the park is close. Like I feel like this cop like right before this movie had a like a Chris Tucker blew up all the evidence moment or something and so like the chief is pissed and he's like, all right now you go guard the park. Whoa, man.

Or he's been on a hunt for this kid the entire. Yeah. No, no one drops trash on my street. He just hang glides into the park. Yeah, I love it. I love it. It gets home that night. I got him money. I fucking got him. Opens his newspaper. No country for old men style. Yes. All right, but the, but apparently the, the park is closed, so Sean is under arrest. And he allowed us allowed to go, but the cops like, oh no, you're not getting away from

me again. And she just leaves. It's the best cops like, yeah, I'm just going to talk to him. You, you skiddaddle you skin and she's like okay, bye And he's like oh that was a ruse wow She's just fucking gone here under arrest. Yeah, well, yes that date wasn't going well or is he because Sean runs for the cop again This snow makes it so much better. Oh, it's not even worse. It's the best. All right. So Angie gets home. Mom and dad are pissed. Right. They're like, where the hell were you?

She's like, I'm a 17 year old girl. I went to get laid. It didn't go super well. And they have this fight where like at one point, the daughters daughters is like stop trying to pretend we're a normal family I'm dying of cancer. It's the whole fucking plot At least I'm not the unemployed dad of a kid with cancer burn She starts roasting No job boom stupid waitress nailed it Actually she turns to the mom and she's like mom you don't have't have a life at all. And I'm like, Diane girl doesn't get to use the you don't have a life burn guys. What did mom be like, oh really?

I guess I'm going to go have sex with your dad. Oh, I guess I'll make another you. All right, I can do that. I'm going to hang out with my bone, Mara. Perfectly normal. Oh, Mara. After that, you can go to your shift at the diner in the shitty section because you're the worst because you're a bad waitress. You can't even get the good section. So yeah. So daughter wanders off and like slams her door and everything. And dad wants to go do something about it. But mom's like, she's dying, dude. Why invest the effort? Let's wait or let's watch

Banderstatch again, but choose the tricks. Oh, let's do it. Come on. You can't do it in Apple TV. You gotta watch my computer. Man. Oh, is that is that true? You couldn't you can't watch Netflix on Apple TV. You can't watch the interactive ones on Apple TV. Did you use the Firewire record? No, I used it. What? We heard that you would have spent more to buy a TV that has less functionality than a normal one.

I like my Apple TV. Okay. So maybe carry your entire TV to the genius bar. They have that, right? It's so mean, why? Maybe carry your entire TV to the genius. They have that right. All right. So meanwhile, it's a good function. Chelo guy is awfully cold. And we know that because we watch him being cold for 11 and a half minutes.

It's just several minutes of him breathing and looking at a photo frame. Yeah, it's a certain point I wrote my nose like we get it. He's called what are we reinforcing now? But then Sean shows up at his tent. And he has like a party foul. Come on, you get barging on a man's picture weeping time and sacred. And oh, by the way, too. Okay. So he wants to know like,

Chello is like, yeah, you can stay with me tonight and my little weird tent thing. But you have to tell me how your date went. As you do it, I'm going to open this can with a can opener so squeaky. It's basically a comedy prop. No, go ahead. Keep telling me about your day. Sorry, just sliding. Sure. All sides of the slide. Whistles work. All right. So dad's looking for work in the newspaper because this movie was made in 2015. That's how people found jobs in 2015,

right? The newspaper. There's a TGI Friday is really close. I know where they are. They're in Monroe, New York. I know. I know the manager. It's Tim. Tim is the manager of the TGI Friday. You know, you're all just pretend you don't see his dead teeth. He will hire you. You're good. Everyone fails that interview. Find out that Tim is a listener. Any questions about the job? Yeah, man, what the fuck happened to your teeth? I mean, not teeth.

Shit. All right. So mom goes to check on Angelica, but some things wrong. We don't get to know what it is. Yeah. Because then we cut over to cello guy waking up in his tent. Yeah.

And he is looked at, he has taken his stare at picture and they have this amazing like little mini fight. Hey, hey, this is my picture. That's your thumb picture. Don't you know, rub your thumb along another guy's picture. That's my picture. That's your thumb picture. Don't rub your thumb along another guy's picture. As much as I'm big. And what was it doing out? So like before a homeless kid went to sleep, he took a picture out of his pocket and laid it on the ground next to him and then went

to sleep. I, well, no, he then jerked off and then went to say, I feel like we know how the picture got there. Come on, don't, don't, don't play naive. He used that, he used her headshot the same way that we did. I would put that back in my pocket at that point. Well, that's true. Yeah. You're just a little more cleanly than he is. Or at least leave it on my chest where it would stay. Yes, or at least leave it on my chest where it would stay. All right, so now we're at the hospital because Angie's all hospitalized. Her cancer apparently leveled up. Yeah, she's got third X syndrome. Yeah, exactly. Well, right, right, exactly. So, Sean goes to visit her at her apartment, and cello is following him. So in goes to visit her at her apartment and cello is following him. All right.

Like sneaking along behind him, uh, uh, boondocks, St. St. St. St. St. St. By the way, Sean Patrick Flattery powder. Yeah.

Yeah. The best. I love that movie. But he goes to the hallway and she's not at the apartment. So suddenly Tommy, little black cancer boy shows up into her hallway. Right. To deliver a message, he never questions this by no. He's just like, oh, what do you have to tell me, Tommy?

Oh, you need to go and you have something to give her. Um, you want to look away so I can vanish. That's. I understand of it. I want it so badly when they do the, he looks away and Tommy vanish for it. Just just pan over and Tommy is collapsed. Oh, no, no, there. He just ran up on the landing.

I'm gonna see sure. Oh, yeah. This is fucking and Charles Wagle going, wow, was he a angel or Batman or something? Help me. Just came all the way here. Are you perched on a pole next to Chris Wacken? What are you doing there?

Yes. Oh, Tommy and Christopher Wacken doing Coke off a hookers boobs together. Yeah. Yeah. Tommy. All right. So now, okay, we cut to mom and dad meeting with the doctor and the doctor. This is the doctor's actual line. I'm sorry to tell you, but all of your daughter's numbers are dangerously low.

All are numbers. So zero cancer. she's fine. She's fine. Yeah, but IQ is super dumb now. Well, really wanted this conversation to continue. I don't know how to tell you this, but all of your daughters numbers are dangerously low. you this, but all of your daughter's numbers are dangerously low. All of them? Yeah, all of them. I mean, first of all, she's 17, which is that age we're like, right? Sure, legal, but like, what are you gonna do, bring her to hang out with your friends? They're gonna talk about high school, right?

This guy gets it. This guy gets it. No, I do. Yeah, I got it. Dr., Dr. We were here about her medical tests. Oh, yeah, those numbers are bad too. Look at this. There's a two A five this one here is a one. Oh Just a num- what does that mean? What are one of those numbers? Oh, it is not good. Yeah, not good. She's gonna need some more of Of the stuff, the red stuff.

Oh, it goes in your body. What's called? Do you mean blood? Yes, that's it, blood. What the fuck is wrong with this hospital? It's a what now? What? What?

What? What? It's so, yeah. No, of course. All right, but the key here is the chemo isn't working. She needs a transplant right now, dammit. The duck is like, yeah, her bone marrow got pissed about something and just fucking shots and poison. Did you let her take any walks recently?

Yeah, right. Bone marrow hates walks. Right. And he's acting like this is the first time they've considered transplant. He's like, I know it's important now. Have you, have you called all the relatives? Because I know up until now, we've just sort of been half-assing it. Yeah. Find your daughter a donor. Really, really post on Facebook, not just one post. Share your own post through that thing where you like it and comment on it, really boosts

sitting the algorithm. I get so happy when doctors show up in these movies, like, especially when they have to talk, it's always the best. This doctor is like, all right, so we need to give her a transplant. Like right now. And dad's like, oh, okay, did you find her a donor? Drugs just like, no, donor, right. It's like, right.

Okay, you get how I was weird. You presented the animation. That just now, right? Well, and also they think they try to have medical discussions, but like the writer was too lazy to look anything up. So the dad literally starts going like, what about the new drug I read about in the pamphlet and then doctorate goes like, I know the new drug, but she's too cancerory for that. Sorry. It's like, guys know the new drug, but she's too cancery for that, sorry.

It's like, guys, you're gonna look something. Okay, can you go check in the back? Like, it's like a she-store? Is there any like Welsh Cuban bone marrow in back you could find? Check the hole in the back, man, in the back. You know, pretend you don't know that there's the back. Doc, hear me out. What if we take a white guy and this Spanish guy and we sort of some motion.

Smash him together. Okay. Yeah. There we go. What if we get a bunch of Irish guys to fuck a bunch of Latin women? Hold on. Hold on. This has nothing to do with my daughter's cancer.

Um, is that bad? You doc. So, all right. So mom and dad are hovering over her near corpse and dad's pretty sure he knows more about cancer medicine for reading that pamphlet than the doctor knows. But then they have to just like mom and dad have to have another fight, right? Because these two will never give you any indication whatsoever that they even care for each other's company.

And it's a great fight. She's like, okay, I have an idea. Don't be unemployed. You bitch. Maybe have a job. Be better at bulldozing. Dozing, you fell asleep, saying. But okay, and she's like mom's points here are so horrible, right? She's like, you know, you always have problems, but never solutions. My daughter has kids. You're nin-nin. Why haven't you cured kids or yet, you lazy fuck. You let all you do is come up with problems.

So I just want to remind you, this is your fault. I left so hard. She says that she says, I want you to know it's your fault. I left so hard. She says that. She says, I want you to know it's your fault. It is though. He lost his job with insurance for sleeping in a bulldozer. That's, is that not his fault? The insurance part is definitely his fault. Yeah. But it's not like there's no medicine happening because they don't have the insurance. No, right. It doesn't say, oh, we've got, because again, that would be stakes. They're just fighting about the insurance because they're like, look, she's going to die and the bill is going to be what? Twice, three times as high. You

saw right. Yes, exactly. It's not like insurance would allow them to do something that they wouldn't otherwise be doing now here. Yeah. Um, all right. So dad storms off testily. And as he's walking out, Sean's coming into the hospital and cello is still following him surreptitiously. There could be like a cartoon. Boink, boink, boink, boink, boink. Oh, he might as well be carrying a little bush with him and shit. Yeah. Pants to him. He's like, I'm the one providing that music. I have the cello.

Okay. So this is just a great demonstration of how little attention the writer is paying to their own fucking movie because when cello walks to the hospital, he's following Sean, but then he sees Angelica's dad and starts following him instead. Now, cello has no goddamn way of knowing this is Angelica's dad. He just likes following. Right. He's just into following people now. He got distracted. That guy looks interesting. Yeah. Dang. Dang. Dang. Dang. Did you switch keys? If you're

going to follow me, I think I'd be a different key. Okay. So then and I this is maybe my favorite moment in the entire movie. Dad's feeling bummed, so he goes to get in the car, but when he goes to open the door of the car, the door handle literally rips off in his hand. I thought the only way this makes sense if dad discovers his superpower. Yeah, that is the only. What a stupid fucking way to reinforce the bad days. You might as well lean on the car. It just falls into 180 pieces like Johnny five just took it apart

or something. He turns on the car sets off the EMP and his pocket backs. And other fuck I'm having a bad day. Why was I carrying this? Stupid. All right. So dad wanders off. He goes to a guest where a goddamn church. Now at first, he can't get the door open. And I'm ready for him to just rip the door handle off of that as well. But no, black hodore comes out right before he has to kick his way in Jason Statham's style And the priest says hey man, what were you doing to my door?

And he's like I wasn't having sex with it at all is what I was doing You want to come inside? Sure you got me Handles in there Yeah, so the priest brings him in and he says, he let's have a third act talk. And he's like, I could really use a third act talk. So dad tells the priest, you know, I don't have insurance. So my daughter's going to die because America is utter and complete shit. Yeah, it's wonderful to see this priest like readjust his game plan. He's like, oh, what's got you down?

And he's like, my daughter's dying of cancer that your God gave her. Okay. So let me, let me start about mysterious ways. You know, you know, ways. Have you heard of the Johnson amendment? It's pretty much we're getting rid of it. So that's why I like to do. Well, where, what we want. And then we, yeah. So the priest is like, hey, don't listen to your wife. She's wrong. It's not your fault. It's God's fault. Uh, speaking of which, would you like to worship him while you're here? The guy is the best. Hey, Mark, real quick. I know you're doing a little monologue about your

daughter. How would you feel about switching religion? Like he's trying to get you to sign up for the rewards card as you're cashing out, you know, this is like, well, you're here. It'll save you 15% on this one. Stop. Stop. No. I already pushed the decline button on the credit. Okay. Well, no, I canceled it. I have a button over here that cancels that. So you have one more shot. What we said, you needed like bone marrow or something like that. We need, we have a charity thing for don't let, let me check if anybody put some bone marrow in the collection plate this week. No, where's it? It's got a yellow, is it yellow or red? I think it's useless. Yeah. Okay. So now Tommy comes to visit Angelica in the hospital, right? She's like wakes up from her stupor in the hospital and Tommy's there and he says, Hey, I brought you the charm bracelet

that you gave back to Sean. And she says, why would you do that? And he says, it'll matter in another like three, give it three scenes. It'll make sense. Oh my God. It's a, he's just like, ah, trust me, riddles. Anyways, I'm dead. Probably could have told you some big secrets or something, but Here's a here's a bracelet and a coincidence. Yeah But he tells her but he says hey and Ta-a Sean when he comes will be bringing you something Yeah, she says what's he gonna give me and I wanted so badly for little Tommy to just be like, the dees. No, I'm kidding. It's a bone marrow.

So but she's going, Tommy, Tommy and just then her mom wakes up. I guess mom was passed out in the room while this was happening. She's like, no, honey, Tommy isn't here. Either he's a ghost or you're losing your mind because of all the diet. And maybe just like disappear and reappear right away. If you want to prove you're an angel and that's like your go to magic power, man. That's that's carrying the team. You don't have to be like cryptic about it. Let's take you. You've got a message from mommy appears. The customer at four is going to want that pie all a mode. If you bring it over to the ice cream, you're going to send it back.

Sorry, you don't have a lot going on ice cream scoop God, right? What? No. All right. So cello. Now as apparently cello was hanging out in the church listening in on dad giving us confession to the priest, to the priest. So he goes back to his homeless home and he takes all of his stuff except his flask. He's not an alcoholic anymore.

Oh, you keep the flask. You might, that's stupid. Yeah. And yeah, right, right. No, exactly. You're homeless, sell it or something. Yes.

All right. But then Sean shows up at the hospital, right? And he tells the nurse, he's like, Hey, I have to see Angelica. Tommy told me she was here. And she's just like, Hey, I know this is super illegal. Tommy's dead. Oh no, trust me. He is dead. We got his body. We're doing a really tasteless puppet show in the back. You want to, you get her, the 50 bucks because you can watch it. What? It's got like a Pinocchio theme. Is he tap dancing? That's offensive. All right. So, but, but Sean's like, well, Tommy can't be dead. I just spoke to him one scene ago. So now we just starts walking through the hallways of the hospital yelling for Tommy. Yo, Tommy, this fucking bitch is saying you fucking dead, bro. Get out of here. Talk to her. And of course the, the hospital, as they all

do, has an enormous pro wrestler for a fucking orderly, right? Yeah. Whoever made this movie thinks all African-American adults are double the size of a human. Yeah. 98 feet tall. Yes. Now, I will say though, he's got good running strategy. If the guy chasing you is more musculine than you, use a lot of stairs. He has to carry more weight up him than you do. Well, not necessarily if that doesn't apply to every one. But yeah, but yeah, the movie seems to think that this chase is crazy amounts of dramatic. No, it's not.

No. But eventually he does slip the orderly and just coincidentally, he does so by ducking into Angelica's room. Right. And then the orderly immediately gives up. He's like, I lost him. Well, yeah, I lost him right in front of this door. Damn it.

Where could he be? What are you going to do? I'm going to follow his cello guy. He seems to be following somebody else. This is the fun. Just them following each other in a circle. Blink, blink, blink. Are you seeing it?

I'm doing the cello. I've got a cello for that. All right. So Angie, as we comes in and Angie says, Oh, Sean, Tommy told me you were coming and he's like, wait a minute. They said Tommy was dead. And so they both collectively realized that Tommy is twins. I feel like I got to go out to twins first. Would she die for a lie? I don't think so. Yeah, and of course she has the charm bracelet, which means that, which means that ghost Tommy stole this bracelet from Sean while he was asleep, right?

Yeah. And it means that like the kid Tommy dies a cancer and he goes up to like the pearly gates and God's like whoa, oh, just one second Gonna give you an errand before you get in You're gonna need to do a thing. He shows up at the gates of heaven and Peter's like, oh cool postmates is here And he's like no act I'm gonna the boy Okay, here you go, dude, and honestly if I hear you didn't deliver this bracelet I'm gonna be fucking pissed one star. I'm not afraid to give one star you didn't deliver this bracelet, I'm gonna be fucking pissed. One star. I'm not afraid to give one star.

Anyway, back to letting this repentant rapist into heaven forever. Come on in here, big guy. You wait. We're doing scuba ice cream scuba ice cream. He's not gonna say fuck. I'll put it in the little messages. All right. So Sean and Angie are flirting at the hospital and the, but the orderly comes in. He's like, I figured you may have gone into the door where I lost you. I did eventually I didn't figure that out. You got to go. It's not visiting hours. And

Diane Cancer girl goes, but don't make him go. He's my boy for, he's, I don't like labels, but he's a guy. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You could have pulled the, I'm Diane Carden got the order to orderly to leave Sean, right? Well, see, this movie brought up a lot of questions about that, like, because at a hospital, he got to eventually stop giving out, I'm dying cards, right? So you got two Jellos yesterday. No, come on. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, the this deodorant picture of you with

common. I was going to give you this hearty high. Merry Christmas. Scoop ice cream. All right, so now the orderly has scored some to the elevator. And while he's there, Tommy appears

like he hears Tommy for a moment. Well, he's to the elevator. And while he's there, Tommy appears like he hears Tommy for a moment while he's in the elevator. And he realizes the gift that he had for Angelica was in his bones the whole time guys. Come on. That's a great twist. It was in his bones the whole time. And the way you realize this, it's so forced. The orderly guy's like, hey, so Irish Cuban kid with plenty of bone marrow. Let's get out of here. It is like one second. Yeah, exactly. So yeah. And also we see cello guy, cello guys in the hospital for some reason and he's walking out as dads coming back in from the church, right? And he says, Hey man, the cello guy's turnsteads is, Hey man, everything's going to be all right.

And then he waddles off to not hurt anybody. And dad's just like, huh, I wonder if that homeless guy was right about everything being okay now. I wonder if that homeless guy is a secret millionaire and just paid off all of my daughter's medical bills. She's with a bag of gross cash. Yeah. And which means by the way that either he's had just tens of thousands of dollars in cash on him this whole time, or it means he went to a fucking bank with a paper bag and said, put like 50 grand in that.

I think he's recreationally homeless. Yeah. No, that's what we're supposed to get from this. Yeah. All right. Or he got all that money in like a really nice briefcase and then was like, you know what, I'm going to put this in a bag. Right.

Yeah. Homelessness is really my thing. I'm going to carry the theme. Yeah, but that's actually what happens. He hands a gross bag to the doctor and we watch the doctor like being like, oh, that's perfect. That's the amount of money we need. I wanted to watch the doctor count the money and be like, all right, well, that's all singles.

This is like three, this is like $300. It's like 200 grand for bone marrow transplant. I get one of the doctors to just be like, okay, no one knows I have this money, but me in a homeless guy's. Oh, look at the note. I'm going to crumple this up and someone left me. Homeless guy, come back here, blam. All right, everything is all set. Okay, so I don't know for there yet, but can we talk about the note because the handwriting

on this note, all I can say is I wrote that note. I paused it. I paused it because it is entirely illegible. It says donation for Angelica Jacob jelly for her bone marrow transplant gifted for my daughter and wife wife Emily Johnson, but it is scrawled in crann. It is amazing. It's what you imagine it looks like when Donald Trump writes or me.

Yeah. Well, that's true. That too. There's like red underline on the handwritten notes. I just come in and start adding commas and shit. All right, but yeah, but it just so happened that Sean was a perfect match. He was Irish and Latin and just didn't know it because he's an orphan and doesn't know what his parents were like.

Now keep in mind, he has a sister that's seven years younger than him. So he was at least seven or eight when his parents died. I mean, they would, you would think he would anyway. Yeah, they again, these people were not thinking about their own movie at all. And now okay so now it's time for her to get better so we get like a little montage the priest is reading the Bible to mom and dad and they're happy and Christian now and not fighting anymore. Right.

And Sean actually did get to I guess when he got arrested by that orderly, they found out that his previous step parent or his previous foster parent was abusive. And so he only had to do community service for a pair. Okay. So his criminal background as he pushed their foster dad down the stairs so that him and his sister could escape. Right. That's what he's been running from this whole time murdering the guy, right? Well, I know. No, not a hurting the guy. That's all they get. That's all they that's what he did. That was his criminal background. He got angry and kind of hurt someone. Anyway, but they give him community service over it and the nice family adopted him.

Yes, yeah, right, right? The family that had the daughter. Also, apparently Angelica's family adopted Tommy's older brother, Black Hodor. He's very confusing. He's there at dinner. Yeah, they're having dinner together and he's just there.

He's like, this is a named character dinner. Also, Brennan. Sean and her dating, but there's no way that relationship's gonna work every time they get in a fight. You know that he's gonna be like, oh, that's fine. No, I mean, I just gave you my bone,

Marrow saved your life, but it's cool. No, go out with your friends. It's cool. No, no, no, no, no, no. thing to do that's going to come up is the fact that she is so much more attractive than Sean. Like, like, she's going to have to at a certain point be like, look, dude, when we met, I was dying a cancer, you know, had one month to get laid. I would kind of had to go with whatever homeless guy was there. But now, you know, I was doing the swipe every direction on Tinder, you know,

yeah, you're ugly. And then the movie ends on a Maya Angelou quote and it's actually just a gorgeously beautiful fucking quote because, you know, the writer of this movie had nothing to do with it. Exactly. Nathaniel Hawthorne bullshit ending. You can't write your own steal from Maya Angelou. Great. Yeah. Right, right. The quote, by the way, is I've learned that people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. As a good way to live your life. I like that.

Oh, lovely quote. That's why no one associated with this movie could have written it. Yeah, right. Right. Okay. So that's the end of the movie. I have a weird fucking question about this. The name of the movie is my first miracle. Who is speaking that title in the first person? Ha ha ha. Tommy. Tommy, this is a prequel to Tommy's angel story.

Okay. I'm saying homeless pick pocket who got to go on a date. I was thinking shallow guy. Right. Like it is completely unclear who's fucking miracle this while anyway. Yeah. All right. Well, I feel like as bad as this movie was, I don't think I can complain because I

didn't have to watch it with Eli's in-laws. So to close things off, I ask you both. What's the worst thing that you could do with Eli's in-laws that would still be better than watching this movie? All right, well I would happily Mime the term power bottom during a game of Shrave He does witness my father in law mine power bottom

I also not just mine it if I'm being honest in law, mine, power, bottom. I'm also not just my, if I'm being honest. And yeah, so obviously I have some experience with this. I'm going to go with walk in a single direction ever. I know the inside baseball, but just, you know, if you ever get a chance, walk in a single direction, my in laws, you'll get it. You'll get it. You'll spend the rest of your life finding them.

I think it was God's first miracle. I mean, that makes sense. You know, they've been talking about it for years. I might as well once in a while. Gearsome cancer. All right. Well, that's going to do it for our review of the fault in our script, but it's not going to do it for the episode. Just, we still need to talk our way back into your ear holes next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck. Science falsely so co hell. Yeah, live show and Dallas.

Still time to get this is the last fucking chance. Though we've given you several weeks on this. This is your last fucking chance. Get the tickets or we're not letting you come. Yeah. Fucking final now. All right. So fucking chance. Get the tickets or we're not letting you come. Yeah, fucking final now. All right. So with that, look forward to we're gonna bring episode 177 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to catch up with yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation of patreon.com slash god. Offal and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various

social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows the Skating A the Acitation needed in the skeptic rat available on iTunes Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live if you have questions comments or cinematic suggestions You can email godolphinmovesgmail.com legal services for this podcast or provide about a lot of this is a P Andrew Torres Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan slot and people drafts on Mars all of the music was written and performed by our audio Into your Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heath and right, Neely Bosnick, I'm an Olucian's promise to work harder, and another chunk next week until then! We'll leave you with the Animal House Club.

The chemo-staring contest replaced Beer Pong as the number one drinking game at college fraternity parties. And that got off a movie's live show. Usually those movements say. Tommy's brother went on to help Saul and Vinny rob Bricktop. Hahaha! If you aren't already registered, Richter is a bone marrow donor. You gotta do it. You gotta put up with it. You gotta do it.

I know. You gotta do it. There's like a, you got it? I know. You got to do it. I literally remembered that I hadn't done that because of this movie and registered. I was like, Oh, I forgot to do that. It literally just went online while this movie in register. I was like, oh, I forgot to do that. And it literally just went online while this movie was drawn in the bathroom. And it was like, bone marrow, go. Go. The preceding podcast was a production of

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