God Awful Movies - 179: GAM179 One More Round

Episode Date: January 22, 2019

This week, Thomas Smith joins us for an atheist review of "One More Round", which its makers describe as "Basically, the Christian version of Rocky"; in what be the most unwarranted confidence of all time. --- Check out Thomas's cornucopia of shows: [Opening Arguments](https://openargs.com/) [Serious Inquiries Only](https://seriouspod.com/) [Philosophers in Space](https://0gphilosophy.libsyn.com/) [Comedy Shoeshine](https://comedyshoeshine.com/) --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I love this guy. I love this man. I love this man. I'll be honest. He is per he's the perfect 85 year old dude who still thinks he looks good in a skin type low cut v neck pink shirt that like you can see his like cancer riddled skin under like it's just But it fits it all fits hard V Hard V. Yeah, the V goes under his dick like it's Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath. That right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So, you know who you are? Who are you? Who are you? I don't.

They say about 19 times in this movie. So, yeah. And I will answer you in act three. I'll wait. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

After the break. As you guys are listening to this review, you should all think about that though. That's important. Who are you? Just get ready. Get ready to answer vague questions or case. It's a good movie. The movie. Of course, Eli was deemed non-essential this week. So he's been furloughed. But it is place sitting 2600 miles to my West Northwest is the host of the opening arguments podcast. The serious increase only podcast and the comedy Shushain podcast. Thomas Smith Thomas. Welcome back, sir. Well, sorry, I was just enjoying the sensational McDonald's number one value meal. Big Mac sandwich, french fries and a soft drink, but hold on, let me just put that deliciousness to the side. Make you feel like a champion, doesn't it?

Did you know that refill your soda? Just remember why. it. Did you know the refill your soda? Just from out of the way. It's a wonderful restaurant. So happy to be here. It's a little different when I'm filling Eli's role because I feel some pressure to like, be funny, but I'll try to ignore that to the best of my abilities. That's how we're going to start it off. All right. All right. I like the antagonism early there.

So tell us, Keith, what will we be breaking down today other than your role on the show? All right. We watched one more round. It's the story of a Christian movie bingo card come to life. It's ridiculous. The whole script is just a terrible infomercial for like a compilation CD of Christian movie tropes, just like order now, you'll get bad sports. You'll get lots of black friends. You'll get a, you got a Ryan and Colin mockery doing the. We got a cartoon of Noah Eli and Heath.

What's that? Yeah. Exactly. What are the odds? No, this movie was a true all square. I feel bad Eli had to miss this one. Call in the next 10 minutes. We'll even throw in cancer girl.

They will. At Thomas, how bad was this movie? Well, if you're a huge fan of the county fair, but you've often found yourself thinking, why haven't these wonderful carnival employees ever gone into filming? You will love this movie. I think I know why you guys picked this one for when Eli is out. It's got like 19 different disabilities, eight typical physical traits, and a nine year old girl with cancer. You're like, this is the only time we can do this. Yeah, right. Very important. I think the office law officers of Pia Dertoura has issued you a cease and desist. Any other time, but when he's gone, oh no, this is like a window for like getting a satellite out like absolutely.

Yeah. Well, okay, so now here's the thing about these particular car needs. This is the third of their movies that we've done. All right, this is a whole like filmmaking team. These are the same guys that wrote and directed and starred in the unexpected bar mitzvah and right to believe, which are they may not be the two worst movies we did, but they're both in the top five, right? They're close. They're really close. Yep. Yeah. I'll be honest, this one, they're really close. Yup. Yeah.

Yeah, this one I'll be honest, this one hit hard. Like this was, I mean, I know this is your job. I'm actually kind of curious how you guys are holding up because I, I mean, cut this out, but like I can't perform sexually ever since I watched this. Like, I'm there, I'm there. I have no connection with my daughter anymore. Like I just can't even, this one was so bad that I,

I, it's like, you remember a rest of the valley to do rest of the development references every time I'm on here with he had. Remember when Tobias does the hair plugs and the every time body is reacting, yeah, that was me watching this movie. It's like, you got graft versus hosted. My body just did not, I couldn't take it. It was like, no, there's like real, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no take it. It was like, no, there's a real man in the board. Interesting. Okay, a counterpoint. This improved my sex life. So there you go.

Like it. All right. So the punchline to this movie actually comes before I even begin watching the film. I check out the IMDB page. The description of this film is literally this is the entire thing quote, basically the Christian version of Rocky and quote, the 1976 Oscar winning picture about a down and out Pugel. Was this was this in your estimation, Heath? Basically the Christian is basically, Rocky. Yeah, this is based their. Um, you remember Rocky three with Mr. T clubberlain. Yeah, it's, it's basically that, but they lost Mr. T at the last second. And then they were on the road. But yeah, it was the same thing. While we're on descriptions, did you guys read

the Amazon description? Cause it bothered me so much. No, I don't know it. I think you're kind of the writer here. So let me ask you this. Let me just read one sentence here. This is sentence number two. With his back against the ropes, Jake decides to step back into the ring one last time. That's not how the directions would work on that. You can't use a metaphor in the first clause that like totally interferes with the

literal thing. That's a literal thing. I was like, I can clause. I was like, on thin ice, Jake decides to go back into ice fish. Yeah, right. You're like, is he fishing on the thin ice? Wait, what? Hold on. He might fall in if he's on the

thin ice. I don't know. I'm not sure. Like, this is the failed metaphor of Rocky. So all right. So other than descriptions, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? Oh, yeah, okay, I'm going with best worst negative character trait, which is science knowing. At one point, they're trying to characterize a bad guy in this movie. And the writers are like, okay, what's evil guys? What's shout just shout him out when Jews. Okay. We already did that. We already got that unexpected. Okay. Gay people. No, right to believe. All

right. Evil physics. Evil physics. Yes. Yes. Evil, Newtonian physics is a bad character trait. Yep. Knowing it. Okay, so I was going to go with best worst pushing through the pain. All right. So in every sports movie, there's a point at which our hero just, you know, can he make it through? Can he push through all this pain and all this resistance or whatever, but there are some types of pain you don't push through, right? Like so if at one point your movie, the basketball player mangles his leg and the bone is sticking out and the coach sends it back in. The coach is the bad guy, right?

Oh, I can't wait to get to it. It's so till we get to it. I'm going, I'm willing to bet, although I'm not sure, but I'm willing to bet in your 179 episode history, have you ever had this one best worst parking? Yes, we have. Okay, I was wondering because this is, this is unbelief. I, I, one of the times it's laughed off and like explain like, oh, I didn't want to hit my car. But then there's another scene where I got to parks like sideways and the fucking thing for no reason. And then there's another one that I didn't even know about before I made this joke that we'll get to that I'll just leave as a teaser. Yeah. Yeah. I think I might know the one you're talking about. I was fucking that furious. I wanted to drag somebody out of a car and have a mob beat them in New York

city. I would I was so mad about that. Yeah. Like keep it mind he gets pissed when they like front in parallel park and have room in these these That's not even parallel parking. It is technically parallel, but it's not in front and go fuck yourself Grow up Jesus Christ Read all right Well if we're gonna put Thomas through this movie again, he's obviously gonna need a training montage So we're gonna take a quick break for that and when we come back we'll dive into all the glorious stupidity of one more row back will dive into all the glorious stupidity of one more row. Boy, I sure do like having Thomas on the show. We're not having Eli on the show, right?

Yeah. Okay, if only there was some way to make it permanent. Oh, she's coming. She's coming. Okay. All right, I'm back guys. You ready, ready to record? Hey, yeah.

Well, almost still just checking my sound knobs. Sound your what? Sound knobs. Hey, Thomas, while he's doing his sound knobs, apropos and nothing, but like, if the three of us were doing a live show, how would you feel about coming out on stage in your underwear?

I mean, I gotta be honest, like, I'm a dad now. I don't think I'd be comfortable doing that. Well, uh, that's because you haven't tried Mac Weldon underwear. Obviously. Well, no, that's not what I'm trying to do. Trust me, Thomas, I've worn your underwear. They're uncomfortable. And you don't have to be embarrassed about that. Wait, you've what? Mac Weldon believes in smart design, premium fabrics and simple shopping. They make the most comfortable underwear, socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies, sweatpants, and more that you will everywhere.

They even have a line of naturally antimicrobial silver underwear and shirts, so you'll smell less bad. Okay, I don't think I need a smell-reducing underwear. Oh, you do, Thomas, you do. But if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it and they'll still refund your money. No questions asked. Their website is simple to use and takes all the frustration out of shopping for underwear and socks. No more guesswork about the fit, no more awkward moments, wondering how long staring at these shelves is too long.

Right. Yeah, but it is four minutes, 43 seconds. Just really everybody knows. Yeah. Security guard actually told me that. That's, that's a fact. That's their guideline. Guys, if I buy some Mac Weldon underwear in this conversation and you bet, and you can get 20% off your first order by visiting Mac Weldon.com and entering the

promo code PB. That's Mac Weldon.com and use promo code PB for 20% off your first order. What is this PB Stanford? I don't know. Look, lead. Mac Weldon. Apparently they didn't give us a slogan. No, just their name right on the nose. Mack Weldon, Mack Weldon. All right, Tom, I cannot thank you enough for helping out while Eli's away. Oh, please, it's my pleasure. Great, great. So, um, no, you've been on before, but with Eli gone,

we're kind of hoping you can step into his shoes a little bit, you know, kind of provide what he usually brings to the show. Best you can. Well, I'm not sure if I'm up to that, but I'll do my best. Great. Yeah, we weren't sure if you'd be up to it either. So we wrote down some lines for you to read. Like, so whenever you're in doubt, just use these. Oh, thanks, but I kind of rather just bring my own thing to the show. That's adorable. Yeah. No, just read the lines.

I want to fuck a, I'm not sure I'm comfortable reading. Okay, no, we'll ease you into it. I get it. Okay. So Thomas, you sure want to have sex with children, don't you? Right. I don't. Right?

No. Okay. Not really, not really nailing this so far. All right. I want't. Right? No. Okay. Not really nailing this so far. All right. One more try another one. So Thomas, have you dug up and molested any corpses recently? Fucking gross. No, you sicko.

You know, that's disgusting. Hey, you sure you don't want to just read those lines. We put them right there for you. So you know what to do. Guys, I'm not going to play the part of a pedophile or a necrophile for you. All right. Two thirds of our jokes rely on having a ready necrophiliate character, Thomas. Do you even listen to this show? It's conservatively. I mean, I used to. Uh-huh. Okay. I have a baby, guys. All right. Well, actually, you're stepping in for Eli. So if you could cast a little doubt on your daughter's paternity, also, that

would be great. Just right now when you could do it now. I've got to be honest. I'm starting to feel a little unwelcome here. It's less than like you want me on the show and more like you just want somebody to pick on and be little that doesn't have enough self esteem to stand up for himself. See, I told you he'd get in the hang of Eli's role. No, he didn't. No, I didn't. Right. Yeah.

So how do you feel about wearing a cheerleader outfit? Here's a picture. And we're back for the breakdown. And we're going to start this off with an opening line that like I could hear Heath's heart drop from Cincinnati. We're still on a black screen. We're still showing the logos and shit and a voice over says, and now from the world of sports.

So bad. Bad sportsing within three seconds. I think it was because that is just saying the word sports, but then they say, we start off in the ring, the boxing ring. The boxing. I was like, yeah, we fucking know. We know it's not the fucking three ring circus. Like it's not Johnny Cash ring of fire.

Does that mean I need to listen later to find out what happened in the basketball ring? I kind of need to know. That's anybody catch the bed of hockey ring scores. I love to. There's still the cheering going because like he left, we find out he left his fight. So the cheering is still going on, but it's also in the news. Kirst, like, I wonder if this is just like a today show al ro situation? Like Al Roker, he's out there with a crowd still cheering. All right, we're going to get to the boxing ring.

And also he left the fight. What are they cheering? Yeah. I think the, the simple solution that we find later on in this movie too is there's a cheering button that somebody made that says, and it goes on perpetually for whenever there's any boxing, like just, there's cheering nonstop cheering. Yeah. Okay. And we're going to get introduced to it. First person really quickly here because so the credit ends, we get our first glimpse of how poorly filmed this is this, this is where we

get that little opening dream sequence. Now our main character, Jake, he's in a boxing ring. Right. And around him is just blackness because they could afford a boxing ring, but not one that you could put a crowd near. Right. All right. So yeah. So he's having a dream that he's boxing and all the different demons from his past are showing up hilariously in the various corners, right? His mother-in-laws there, his ex-trainer, Kevin Sorbo, is there. Oh, it's so good. I mean, basically what we're watching here is Kevin Sorbo describing a very real nightmare that he has every night since Quitting. In which he gets taunted by famous Hollywood actor, Kevin Sorbo. I think.

A lot of people are saying this is Kevin Sorbo's nightmare and he wakes up. He's like, Oh, God, I had the dream. I was in that fucking horrible movie. You can't. Yeah, right. There were the actors in there. I was trapped in a ring. And there was so bad.

There was so bad. Show me the Christian movie, Bingo card. Oh, no, there's a top spinning on it. What's happening? Show me on the bingo card where this movie touched you. It's the middle square. So, okay, so we wakes up from his nightmare. At a meeting at work, right? Like we're supposed to later have sympathy for this guy when he loses his job. We meet him waking up at work. Yep. I'm sorry, one little quick detail we should mention. His name, this actor is Tommy Lee Thomas. Tommy Lee Thomas. So, hey, buddy, what's your stage name? Gonna be Tommy? Okay. Tommy Lee. Don't say Jones

Thomas That's what he went first. He was like Tommy Lee Tommy. He's like, oh, no, shit. I get it. No, fuck that's your work Literally just don't say Tommy or Jones uh Thomas now Thomas show shit All right, and then okay, so my first note on this next thing when he wakes up is oh my God, there's an African American little person with a speech impediment in this film. I'm very happy we don't have Eli this week.

Yeah, we just went in he he woke up in twin peaks, I guess. Because it's still a dream. This cast is so fucking weird that they literally had to write in lines explaining like what species everybody what like there's, you're so unsure, you're like, what is happening here? So that person you're talking about is named Stu like, what is happening here? So that person you're talking about is named Stu. And they literally, I'm pretty sure this was intentional. They wrote in Stu, you're 25. Stop acting like a kid. And then it doesn't stop there,

because you got Lawrence. And he's, he's like an old TIG notaro. And I wasn't sure, like honestly, I was not sure this person's gender. Like I'm not no judgements, right? I just didn't. I wasn't 100% on the gender. And a second later, they're like, you couldn't even beat an old man. Like Lawrence. He's like, by the time the horrific boss comes out, I was surprised there wasn't a line that was like, yeah, this guy who definitely doesn't work at Gringot's wizarding bank.

He absolutely looks like Dave Foley fucked a female Gringot. 100% yeah halfway in between those two. Yeah, this that would be okay. So that's our cast of characters. We have Stu, we have Larry, the closet at homosexual, and we also have angry Jew boss. Okay. God, this guy question is the boss also a little person. I mean, yeah, this is, this is the thing. The lead actor is so fucking short.

We got a real Tom Cruise situation that I wonder if this he was like Okay, find me the fucking short And they found a little little people like that that I can't believe cruise doesn't thought of that before I'd need I want Pavarotti as a jockey we have that we have that's Pavarotti as a jockey. We have that. We have that's perfect. We are buddy is Pavarotti. The jockey he's very proud of. As a jockey who's gained 400 pounds and is 30 years out of the game. Yeah, that's it. That's right. Right. So the key here, though, is the boss is very unimpressed with Jake's job doing. And look, we met, we just met this character.

He's asleep at work and he forgot to wear a tie. Yeah, right? Okay. Can we talk about this? So lesbian Ken Burns is like, actually might just be Ken, Ken Burns, but he's like, no, don't worry, because he's, yeah, he's forgotten his tie, so he's gotta go home. He just fucking woke up and lesbian Ken Burns is like, don't worry, things will get better. You just have to believe.

It's like, dude, what? Or maybe you remember to wear a fucking tie if your boss amazes it and don't literally sleep at work. Like, no, he's not just sleeping by the way. He's hitting fucking REM sleep at work at work. Right. Right. He's in a dreadful dream.

That takes a good at least like half hour 45 minutes and minimum. I'm just like solid sleeping. I don't think believing is the issue here. Yeah. It could be unissue. It could be unissue. Not the primary one. Yeah. Like, hey, step one, don't be a total fuck up like I don't know this isn't a luck issue this is like this is very choice based I think all right so I guess after a hard day of napping he gets home to his family uh uh this movie can I just say we're five minutes in and I swear to god it's so bad it's so awkward so fucking awful that I really, half

of me did expect Tommy Lee fucking Thomas to just snap out of the character he's not even doing and just turn to the camera and be okay. Guys, you know what? Making movies actually a little harder than I thought. Okay, we gave it a try, but like, this is, I mean, fucking, no, you're like a amazing juggler, right? I got to know how the world juggler ladder system works, but like, you're probably, you're somewhere on there, right? And like, this movie is like, if I fucking woke up one morning with a confidence of Eli, and was like, you know, I fucking juggling is that hard.

No one can do it. You just throw shit and you catch it, whatever. And I like booked a performance, like a real performance. And I go out and I'm like, this is, I got that. I'm a genius. I fucking have this. And I go out and I throw a whole bunch of things. And for like three seconds, I'm like, I'm doing it. I'm a bit. And then I throw a bunch of stuff in the air. And I catch none of it. And then I realize like, oh, I don't juggle. Oh, that's the shit. Juggling is actually pretty hard and like, I may never mind.

Okay, sorry, I don't, I'm not a juggler. Sorry, I'm not that, I'm not, I don't. No, the, that's this movie. The level of confidence on this team of actors, not just him, it's staggering. It's baffling. It really is. So, despite all the evidence, you can't just like live like, oh, let me, let me give factors, not just him, it's staggering. It's baffling. It really is. So fucking that. The evidence.

Sir, like, you guys are constantly living like, oh, let me, let me give you a little, I give you a little extra on this line. Let me, uh, we're basically second city. We're basically, I mean, this is where crushing this. Well, so, so, but here's the thing though, is that they all turn to each other and they're like, how was the acting and the other guy goes like, well, you just have to believe and they're like, right, right. No, that is the entire. Yes. The same fly every time.

And believe you. Okay. Oh my God. You go. And can we talk about the argument between the so we got an argument between the fucking Jake, the jackhammer, which is the main character and Sarah Huckabee Sanders' wife. And okay. Again, I want to I want to tread lightly, I'm not trying to insult anybody, but this argument

as written is between two people who are developing mentally disabled. Like this is the issue. Yes. And nothing wrong with it, it's just that's not intentional. Like I think they're so bad, they're literally, here's the argument, you need money, job to money for home and food. And he's like, I do job money. And I do. Like, no, you not job food money. Ah, at one point they actually say, we only have until the end of the month to pay the mortgage. And it's like, yeah, that's how that's

how it's mostly what do you think? Yeah, really really came out of nowhere this month What are you doing until now I got his shortness at 30 I bring back a shell to the bank every six months or so They take the shells. I don't know all of a sudden we got a letter in the box of the letters and it says shells no good money now. What? But then that's really emphasized when mother-in-law shows up. So the conflict in this movie, right? You have to have him down

and out. So the mother-in-law says, I'm gonna pay off your bills, but I'm taking your wife and daughter with me. And I'm like, yeah, that's how it works. You see? Yeah. What the fuck? I'm gonna loan you money and take a knee collateral. Your family, I will be taking your family as collateral. This worked great for the Romans.

All right. So the next morning, he's getting ready for work. And we have to spend some more time with his five year old because he told her she could be in the movie too. Yeah. It close ups. It if now if you're watching along, I want it just like trigger warning, like brace yourself because this morning opens with a close up like it's

fucking Jack Nicholson and he just hit the fucking ax through the door and though it's on the daughter and she goes, you're like a tiger, you did it. And like her eyes are fucking bugged out. I don't know what kind of crap they gave her to do this. It's horrifying. So just fucking just be absolutely terrifying. Somebody used a little sense, you know, you anxious sense of just be be be warned. Oh, all right. So now we wind up in the first of the bad parking scene. Now here's the

thing. It's so poorly done that I'm assuming his car is going to get towed and that's part of the movie, right? Because he's very clearly parked right under a no parking fire lane space. Yeah. They don't seem to be aware of that ever. Yeah. I have to confess what I had already written the parking joke before I noticed the sign. Oh really? Based on the other two party thing. And then I saw you in your note because the second time I watched it, I watched with with your guys that said, it said no parking fire. I was like, he's making a joke, right? That can't really. He's, that's all a funny joke. No, I'm like, no, yeah, imagine. And I look out the

top of the frame, like, dude, the sign is right there. They could have cut that out so fucking easily. Yeah, just tights the fucking shot. No, size of the frame, neon flashing sign. You may not part of your. Yeah. So, yeah. So he's grabbing this crappy looking pizza on his way to his terrible parking. And this is when he notices a new boxing gym in town. Oh my God. And the way he notices it is so fucking stupid. He like, he drops his keys so fucking intentionally like, oh, blah, blah, I've dropped my keys somehow, like an infomercial. And it's just so that he can look over at the boxing gym across the street.

Like, he can ease an excuse. You can just look at stuff without a fucking McGuffin. You don't need a McGuffin to look at things in a mood like moving eyes don't require a plot device, but they think it does. So he drops his keys and then he locks eyes with the box. Like he might as well bump heads with the gym while they're walking down the street and have a meet queue. Like, and they both drop enormous amounts of paper and they're like, oh, hello, Jim, hello, human. Yeah, it's so dumb. Yeah. And then they do a quick flash back or

a hypothetical. We never know because like it cuts to a black and white infomercial of maybe I should take a box and again. And then his wife's like, that's the dumbest fucking idea I've ever heard in my life. Shut the fuck up. you human garbage, essentially, is what she says. Yeah. And then we don't know, like, was that him hypothetically imagining, like, maybe I'll tell my wife that, or did he already unclear? We don't know. Again, you can just walk into a building without a mcguffin in a movie. Like, you don't need a flashback to explain that. They're really establishing the fuck out of this scene. They're like, we need to know why everything is happening at every second. Just a flashback to the crew making a movie. Okay.

That's a good one. Yeah, to him telling his wife, what if I made a movie? That's the dumbest fucking idea I've ever had. And he still does it. He still does. Flashback to, what if I told my wife that I was thinking about making a movie? That's a dumbest fucking idea. And then flashback to like, how many flashbacks do we need in a good mood? Just flashback to a pale blue dot. All right, I think we've established everything good. We did it.

All right. So he walks into the boxing gym. There's an enormous black dude who will play the part of the bad guy just by being black. Yes. Right. This is OJ Simpson Jr. Okay. All right.

Yeah. So you that reaction, you don't know if I'm joking or not. You think I might be serious. You're not sure. I swear to God, I looked it up to make sure it wasn't OJ Simpson's son. It looks a lot like young OJ Simpson. Does he have a job? How big of a fan you were? No, I don't, well, I lot like young OJ Simpson. Does he have a job?

How big of a fan you were. No, I don't, well, I don't think so. Okay. I'm pretty sure not. So he goes in and the, the, the, the black dude who's getting trained as a boxer is very rude to him, but the trainer recognizes Jake. He's like, hey, wait a minute. You have a backstory.

Let's flush this out. Let's put T's in a little, T's it for us? And it gets better because then after, after some little T's it for us. And it gets better because then after after some again, oh, Jay Jr. is really mad at Jake for no conceivable reason. I think it's just, we'll see a theme of this movie is that, you know, black people are bad. So he's just really angry. Just for walking in. It's just like he's mad that you walked it like a record need a pocket. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just a full biker bar inside this boxing ring is staring at Jake when he walks in. It's aggressive. Yeah.

And look, okay. So at the end of this movie, he's going to fight this black boxer guy, right? So they're trying to set up some antagonism between them, but yeah, so sloppily done that when like Jake leaves the gym, the black guy calls out to him, he's like, yeah, run away. You never finish anything. Do you? Oh, God. And then again, we get, he so he gets in his car

and he says to God, God, where did I go so wrong? He says as literally no parking fire lane is the fucking the Borschew Theory fucking family guy level comedy. Like, where did I go? You're pumped in a fire lane. This is not, God has nothing to do with this. My favorite moment here was, because he's supposed to get angry

and like punch the dashboard right here, but he clearly doesn't want to fuck up the rent. So he just gingerly passing. And we get the insurance for tender. No, no, just tap it. Just tap it lightly. So, okay. So stew and Larry are chilling at the furniture store. We've got to we got to hash these characters out.

Stew is worried because his fortune cookie isn't lining up with his horoscope. What a silly way to live one's life. So Larry says to him, that's, that's lesbian Ken Burns. He says to him, he's like stew, believing in horoscopes and fortune cookies is silly. Try believing in the Bible. Yeah. Which he describes as something with a 100% track record of accuracy. Yeah.

And then he points out how it's not even close to that. He's not, he's like, yeah, so you get it's perfect. It's absolutely 300 references to the first coming of Jesus. 800 references to the second coming fuck. Okay. Um, that's not, that's history before it happens. Like, every fortune cookie is all fuck. Um, it's pretty fucking amazing to in your own Christian movie make the argument that like look how

accurate this is. There are 800 predictions that haven't happened yet. Yes. Like that's not how accurate it has so much accuracy potential. The potential for accuracy is staggering. 800 accuracy potential. Can you imagine if these come true, like, you're going to be pretty rad. Like, it's really accurate. You guys would be like, so Jake comes in while they're having this conversation. And there's a, there's a customer in the furniture store. So they let Jake go make the sale because he needs it. Yeah. Yeah. How does the store normally work? Like, it's, it's this ridiculously huge, like Ashley furniture giant store, nobody's ever in it.

And four active salesmen at all times. You're just ready to run it. Like, do we normally watch like an 80 year old man, a little person and a boxer fight each other and then go over to the customer whoever wins? That seems extreme. I think they do the little peering around a corner thing where like the little guys on the bottom and then the bottom.

They do that. All right, so he's going to make this big sale. We have to pause for a minute here, though, to cut to wife and daughter. They're moving into mom and law's house. And we have to remind everybody that mother and law is a horrible, horrible bitch, right? She has the whole like there will be no toys in the living room in my home. The mom is like, you're never seeing your husband again.

He's the fucking worse that hate him and all the straw poll. How many of you are completely on the mom side? Cause I, I mean, I'll be honest with you. I mean, they do make her a little too unnecessarily evil, but like I'm 80% with her. No, I'm, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to make a better vote. I'm 100% with mom at this point. Mother and law is correct from every like logical perspective. Absolutely. I mean, granted she's like yelling at a child and skinning Dalmatians in the scene, but like logically, she's correct. Let's just be like, from her

perspective, she's got to be like, this, this, these people don't know literally how mortgages work. Like this. No, you're right. He's got to get it. Fighting with two other guys for the one customer a day at the furniture shop. I need to take custody of your child. You cannot be trusted to raise a human. That is correct. Oh, God.

I'll tell you what, the shame of it is that you don't have Eli here to bag you up because when this, when the mother-in-law ends this scene by saying like, and take your daughter out of those cheap, closer dad, daughter, and get put her in more expensive clothes that I bought her. I was, I wrote nose like holy shit. This woman is Eli spirit animal. All right. So now we cut to the later on that night, mom and daughter are having a chat. I have no notes because I can't again. This is just the scene. I can't it's like they decided to write the mom as like Uday Hussein. She's literally like, hey, slave girl, fetch me a tea and I'm also, you're not allowed to,

she's talking to your own daughter, you're not allowed to text your husband like it's we, it's not. Yeah, that's the absolute, it's crazy, it's crazy. You need to stay here and plow fields until you pay back the loan that I'm giving you like that Like it's turning into a hostage situation somehow. It's like I'll bring the mortgage money to the drop point you show up alone Okay, is the drop point here in the living room that doesn't really make sense. And the girl stays here. What? The girl stays there. She's like, yeah, also I already killed the daughter. I don't even get a pretend. She's dead. So then we cut back to the furniture store and Jake is just closed the biggest deal in the history of the furniture.

Oh my God. Okay. So the most furniture anyone's ever sold. And this is where Larry points out that he's known this whole time that Jake used to be a semi famous local amateur boxer. It's so sloppy the way they do this too. He comes up to him, Larry's just like, wow, you store record sales. I guess you could say you uppercutted that furniture sale, speaking of boxing words,

you're a boxer nailed it. And Stu is 25, right? Stu, you're a boxer nailed it. And stew is 25, right? Stew your 25. I'm a man. In all my definitely male years, I have never seen such a. So okay, so like, but just point, Jake and Larry Wanderer have to have a little heart to heart together about the boxing and the wife. And this is the first time I noticed it. I don't know that it's the first time that it happened. Whenever Larry is near Jake, right? Whenever these two actors are near each other, Larry is touching

Jake constantly. Yes, massaging his shoulders. He's rubbing his legs. He's feeling his biceps. Oh, he's taken pictures at atheist conferences too close. It's no good. This is not how I want to imagine Ken Burns. It really gross mess with me. There's a couple of lines we got to talk about. First off, we learn that Ken Burns used to be a boxer in the Navy, which never matters. It's never matters. But he said, that was just him just going like, I do manly things as well. You would have guessed it to look at my physique. Yeah, I like to shoot baskets. Yeah. And he, let's, let's, let's all oil ourselves naked chested for boxing.

Like a boxer. You know, boxing. Oh, man. Great. You need to practice the part of the match where you, you hug real close. Like you're in trouble and you got to hug the guy. I don't know. You don't know a sparring partner in me, but you've got to hug and part. Yeah. So I think this really feels like there's other points in the movie where it feels like this too. This was like, again, people with zero improvisational talent of any kind trying to come up with a backstory. It's just like, oh yeah, I used to go to the matches.

In fact, my dad, let's say my dad took me to the metaforce. Let's all name some boxing metaphors. Some what? Let's name boxing words. This was the part I wanted to get to because it's important for later. Jake says, oh, your dad took you think, my old man never took me anywhere but the wood shed. Just put a pin in that for later. So that's

his father character. We're going to come back. Oh, and the key to this whole conversation basically is that he's like, you know, I don't know what to do. I can't pay my mortgage because apparently it's due every fucking month now. My wife and my daughter have left me. And Larry's answer is like, Hey, man, I don't have all the answers, but Jesus. Christian movie bingo. Meanwhile, the fucking piccolo from my heart will go on. Keeps starting. Yeah. Right. Playing just enough of it to not violate copyright. It's like, and then like repeats. Yeah, that's a good thing. That was I of the tiger later. It's not a piccolo, but yeah, they get as close as they're allowed to.

I have a tiger in a minor key right now. That's not going to work. Okay, then we have what I think they were going for a sadness montage, right? Oh my god. But they couldn't think of anything for him to do. So like, they show it. He opens his coverage. They're completely bare. So when she went to her fucking mother in law, she took the half used peanut butter in the oregano. Same note, same note. Yeah. Yeah. Why would she do? You got, I am amazed. I thought this was gonna be one of those things

that I noticed that you all would have noticed too, but I don't see it in your notes. Guys, the male, the bills sitting on the counter have Tommy, Thomas, Tantley, Thomas on the, they have his real address. I looked it up. They have this real, oh my God. They do.

They could have this movie as such a slap, death piece of shit. They couldn't print fake mutton bills. That's not just a printer. No one's a printer. You've been put with one of them. We'll make this fake jacket, whatever. It's oh god.

You literally says Tommy Lee Thomas. And I was like, oh, it's so good. It's so good. It might as well say Tommy Lee Thomas. You can't bring us bags of shells for your mortgage. You need to pay us real money. You're the real person. Tommy Lee Thomas. You're stupid. This is your address. This is a picture of actual money and what we expect next time. All right. So the next day he shows back up for work, the boss is not very happy with him.

The boss takes him to his office and explains that he's going to steal his big record sale and take all that commission that he earned because he's a Jew. And then he fires him too, because why the fuck not, right? Well, we're pissing on the guy. Let's also fire him. And I have to say, first sensible business decision, this stupid company is made. You don't. Right. If apparently even this manager is getting in on the

commissions, what are you paying so much commission for the one customer we've seen for the month of this movie? Yeah. Well, and okay, there's also there's great moment here where he realizes that the boss is going to steal it. So we supposed to grab the boss by the lapels, but he very clearly misses and the boss is like, well, shouldn't I as a character jerk away now that I know? And so there's this weird blocking moment where he's trying for the lapels. So the boss is not moving back, but actively it's, it's, it's almost worth watching the whole movie just for that. But then in addition to the ridiculous grab, we also get old guy, gay old guy holding back Tommy Lee Thomas with,

he's like, I'll hold you back by your nipples. Yeah. So much extra touching, just a wide variety, sexual version of holding me back, not by the dick man. Okay, seriously, I hold me back to, never means that. dick, man. Okay. Seriously. I hold me back to never means that. Yeah. The director's like, cut. What are you doing? He's like, well, I've never seen a guy punch a guy with both his nipples being grasped at the same time. So you tell me if that's uneffective. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. One one nipple and the dick is

that this better now. This feels more reasonable. Nope. So then that night, Jake has to call his wife and tell her that he lost his job. So she hangs up on him, then, then mom and mom comes in because she says, hey, I need you to co-sign on this loan for your mortgage. Really you're loaning money to pay off the mortgage? That's interesting. But what she's really doing is Tricking her daughter in designing a restraining order against her.

That's beautiful classic signature. Ruse there is no way to get out of that. It's a magic spell. You like that. There's your dose like you could just write in crayon at the top of that Plus the little girls my slave for life and and that's it. That's how it goes magic Not a court in the land will throw that out and I don't even understand this TRO because Jake hasn't one time tried to see them Or come to that. No, no, no, like as far as the mother and law knows, Jake quit, like gave, is going to

a new family. Like it doesn't even, he was just like, wow, that collateral thing worked out. I was going to ask you to do that. All right. So the next day with nothing else to lose, Jake goes back to the boxing gym. Okay. So now the guy is unemployed and his family has left them and he's like, fuck it, all box. I will go pay someone to train me to box.

Yep. He just walks in again with just this dumb fucking walking pile of oatmeal. Just walk just this 55 year old dyed hair guy and the trainer is like, okay, here's what we're going to need. We're going to need a train. You're going to need facility. It's like, what in what world do you think this idiot is going to box you? He just, the script says he's boxing again. So like the trainer just has to know, but they didn't, there's no reason he would ever think that.

Yeah, absolutely. Also, I have a couple of questions about the scene. First of all, why does this guy hate Jake so much? They have no reason. And he's because he's black and they're angry. It's a race thing. Okay, he's just, he's so aggressive every time. Just like, what the fuck are you doing?

You trying to fuck my wife? Eat my child, dude, what? You keep saying. We're racing stuff every time I walk in. I don't, how the scene would work in real life as you walk in. Oh, hey, man, when I get into boxing. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yes, that would be the whole thing. Hi, my name is Michael. As you get a murder, everybody who comes in like, this is my boxing gym and furthermore, the trainer's got to be like, dude, I'm trying to run a business. Yeah. Right. Right.

Could you stop it? Thank you, my friend. What are you? The third act villain. I'm trying to run a business. Yeah. Right. Right. Good. Stop it. Thank you guys. Everybody. What are you? The third act villain. He just walks over to the trainer starts peeing on him. Get away.

Get away. All right. Lex. So he says, I want to train. I want to be a boxer again. He says, all right, $350 a week. He's like, I don't have money. And the guy's like, okay, that's not going to be helpful.

How are you? I don't accept these shells, I do have. He's just, no, I won't, but I do actually happen to have an Italian guy in a low cut pink tinny hugger, speaking broken English that might be able to help this. This is extremely old Broadway choreographer that I know is the best boxing trainer in the business. By the way, this is Arnold Schwarzenegger's best friend in real life. That's that's what this is. That makes so much sense. Is that right?

Yeah, that's real. Yeah, no, he's a famous, he was a famous body builder back in the day. His IMDB page, by the way, lists him as an Italian actor, author, Cairo, Praktor, former boxer and former body builder. It's funny how real doctor never ends up on a list like that. Right. I love this guy. I love this man. I love this man.

I'll be honest, he's the perfect 85 year old dude who still thinks he looks good in a skin type low cut V neck pink shirt that like you can see his like cancer riddled skin under like it's his but he but I look but it fits it all fits hard V hard V the V goes under his dick like it's The Vigos under his dick. Like it's. And then. Oh God, it's so good. I love this guy.

I love this man because then the rest of the movie, we get to hear this guy try to poke him. Like never. And I get to. There's never. It's not like Arnold where clearly, you know, they told him, okay, here's the words. It sounds a little funny, but here's the words you say. This guy, they're like, okay, here's the words. It sounds a little funny, but here's the words you say. This guy, they're like, yeah, close enough. Like most of this, it's just,

yeah, close enough. Whatever. So many of those so many things he says in real life would have ended just with like everybody else, and they're being like, uh-huh. And then he's talking about something else. All right, but this is this is Frank Odo. Franko's going to go, going to take Jake to go see Billy Jack Taylor or Kevin Sorbo. And at this point, I can only assume Kevin Sorbo thought the thing about acting circles around someone was little. Oh my God. It's so. So Jake shows up and Kevin Sorbo was like his trainer back in the day when Jake pushed out on his biggest fight ever and he cost Kevin Sorbo.

Tens of thousands of dollars. He's been avoiding him ever since. Now they're going to have this come to Jesus moment. But while they're having this thing, while Sorbos delivering this 11 minute monologue, he will literally walk in circles around Jake the entire fucking time. It's unbelievable. It is everything you describe and it's like a fuck his PE teacher told him he had to do 20 laps around Jake that. During this scene, while these laps were going, I had time to write multiple notes, like I wrote like, oh my God, he's doing that hacky thing where you walk

or you know, like, if you and I are having a fucking conversation and I walked around you in a full 360-view circle, you would rightfully, hey, he would punch me in the doing that. Would be like, you're a fucking, punch me in a circle. It's weird. You're being weird. You punched me in the dick and I wouldn't be mad at you. You're right. I, I, I earn that like I kind of have to do that. But he literally walks around him nine times.

Oh my god. It's all for a guy. He's going. I wrote all my jokes and then I wrote it's still happening. Like it's still, he's still doing it. He starts doing a serpentine and jumping jacks around the side. Yeah. Updounds and like the fucking, it's amazing.

And I got to say it's really hard to pay attention to anything other than the fact that he's still walking circles around this guy. But the gist of his monologue is that his character found Jesus one time and now he's not angry anymore. And that's why he started his new Jesus themed boxing gym. Yeah. But if you don't want to watch this movie and I don't blame you, however, I think there's good reasons to watch it.

But if you don't want to, I'll give you the whole of Jake, the Jack Hammer's performance is just imagine if the one face Tucker Carlson makes was a person. That's his entire performance. All right. So now it's time for us to meet Brock Thornhill. Brock Thornhill blew your character naming load on that one I guess. Yes, they spent all the character, the whole session was hours and they're like, well, we got Brock Thornhill and that's fucking gold. But I'm out of creative juices. It's Jeremy London, by the way, we got both London's almost back to

back. This is, we did. The other one, this is T.S. from Mallrats. They were like, who's good in Mallrats? Not that one. Let's get Jeremy London. Perfect. He almost ruined that entirely. Yeah. Yeah. So okay. So now he's here to hit on the wife on on Jake's wife. She's sitting in a restaurant eaten by herself when suddenly Brock Thornhill notices her and hey, they went to high school together. Didn't that? It's so dumb. He's just like, I was just reading this Christian tween sci-fi book in a restaurant by myself. I'm a grown up. Is this is this seat taken next to you? I'm Brock Thornhill. That's my real name. Every moment of the scene is gold. It is my favorite because he he goes over and

he's like, oh yeah, he's doing all that and he's like, oh, what are you having? And she's like, oh, I have a cappuccino that's gone cold. And as I said, excuse me, waiter. Can we have a refill? Can you refill our cappuccino with a craft of cappuccino that you carry around ready? Get the cappuccino, pitcher and get any dirt. He shows it with a water pitcher and he's like, here's your cappuccino. And he's like, here's your capuchino. He pours, I, yeah. He pours what I, I think his coffee from a water pitcher into a capuchino. That's so good.

No, it's water. And then he, oh, it's so good. He might as well have like a handful of milk and just blow on it and be like, there you go. There you go. Just spit it into a mouth like a bird. It's so dumb. Just snowball me a cappuccino, yeah, kind of. So fun.

And then the whole, it gets better, guys. It gets better because the whole thing about Brock Thornhill, that I'm sure you've all heard of Brock Thornhill, is that he's a golf. Okay. All right. I can't do it. I can't do it. As he's talking to this girl, a young girl shows up.

As he's talking to the wife, this young girl shows up and she's like, oh, can I get a picture of such a huge fan? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You have to say the exact line because this is what you do when you come up to someone you are. No, you say, this is the line word for word. Excuse me. You must be brought to you. Has anybody ever come up to you at a conference down

to the, you must be no illusions. Like, no, it's what you know. That's not the order words going. Yeah. But okay, but here's the thing so they're sitting there around in their little writing room They've got the name. They're pretty excited about that and they said okay, what kind of profession do like 19 year-olds get really wet about What's your tour golfers really? Did you say senior tour golfer? I did and as I know at least he knows golf pro is not PGA golf that golf pro is like the dude who runs it's the golf program Yeah, right the guy who got the pudding practice and shit at the club. How idiot? Yeah, the high school girl wanted a picture with the guy who gives lessons at the fucking driving range in the shitty little

No, and I love how he also did the end of the scene he concludes by obviously paying for her cappuccino water for her cappuccino water because he's pulling down golf pro bucks. I easily have that cappuccino water. Further more, I'm gonna tip the guy. I get one free cappuccino at the snack bar at the clubhouse every day. Yours is on me. I'll use my ticket for that one. I'll pay for mine. Oh, I love that scene so much. All right. So now we got to cut back to Jake sadly, sadding back home. And this is one of those stupid fucking Christian movie troops that I love, right? Because he's like all said, and he picks up the Bible and just starts reading out loud at the end. Now, here's what happens when you actually do that. David attacked them from twilight until the evening of the next day. Not one of them escaped

except 400 young men who mounted camels and fled. That was random. I swear I didn't go out of my way for an amalofa kite massacre. I just actually opened the sample. He's like, he's like, I'm gonna go choose your own adventure style with the Bible just like bander snatch. Yep. Cool. And I'm cutting up my father's body. Fuck. Okay. Still better than Abraham and Isaac, I guess. But he's not even, he's not even close to the book of James, which is the quote they tell us that he's reading. He's like, it right. He's clearly in like the early part of the Old Testament. Like if he opens up anywhere near that page in real life, it's going to be something like maybe what Noah said or like, you must marry your rapist.

Wow. Okay. Did not see that coming. And like these people are familiar with the Bible, you would think, right? Like what can one of these movies, one time instead of the fucking King James Bible, he picks up a book that's entitled extremely limited selections from Justin and then they open it and then they're like, oh, in three years or a bit of a ecclesiast. Let me just open up this inspirational poster. Oh, it's already open. I'll just read

this quote. It's like, here, let me consult my Bible in there. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, so yes, so he asks God for some help. He's like, please God, show me a sign of which way I must go. And there's a knock at the door. Yeah. And it's the main character from right to believe. Yep. I was so happy to see him. So this is a movie we did years ago about a guy who as a, as a news reporter was being forced to write a story about a gay pride parade without even talking about how they were all going to hell. That was this guy. That's

what we're familiar with this guy from. Yeah. The amount of brain cells that you guys unfortunately have dedicated to who's who in the Christian movie. It's, it's eventually you can sue somebody, right? Can you actually get a lot of good life? It's not a good life. I'll tell you that much. But yeah, but he's here to serve Jake with his temporary restraining order that his

mother-in-law tricked his wife into signing. To which Jake says, I I Haven't abused my wife. He says in the manner like what as though he meant to get to it and just hadn't yet Yeah, oh fuck I got a restraining order and I have All right, well I quote again, I know Thomas just read this but this is the actual quote from the movie I haven't even abused my wife, man. Guess I might as well abuse her now. What the fuck was I?

Yeah. Yeah. What? I didn't even get my money. We're about to this. Jesus Christ. Like you, like you left the restaurant and found out your meal actually have been paid for.

I didn't even help the buffet. Oh, man. I would have ordered. I would have ordered the lobster. I didn't even have to buffet. Oh, man, I would have ordered the lobster. I didn't even know. I forgot to use my app card too. We got to go back. Yeah. All right. So now Jake has to head off to the boxing gym, but damn, and his car won't start because

he's down on this luck. So he walks. I wanted the car to explode so badly. Just goes up giant explosion, mother-in-law walks away slowly. No. And this is where we meet surprise cancer girl. Eli's going to be so pissed at us. Cancer girl, bingo points, problem of evil. Yeah. So Sorbo is putting together a charity boxing tournament to raise money for this little girl's chemo because our country is terrible

and we are awful people. Wow, that got real. Yeah, right, right? Just the, yeah. Of course, we have to visit the who are you conversation again here. Still doing that, huh? And God bless him. He tries. He tries to make that bit work. He tries to make who are you a thing? I am Ray Leoto with a snake bite. No, okay. Sorry. And he actually answers that. He's like, I'm Jake Taylor. I'm a fighter. Kevin so was like, okay, we'll have to work on that. Try to say it differently. I'm Jake Taylor. I am a fighter weird. Yeah. I'm Batman. What is that? WNBC. All right. So then we cut to Larry. Now Larry has decided he's going to take the illegally

filed temporary restraining order to the wife and show her and park badly. Yep. Yep. Both of them are he parks at a fucking, fucking horizontally in the parking sp. God, fucking gross. Also Also another legal question for you, Thomas, maybe you know from all the bar exam questions you've gone through. So successfully, if there's a restraining order that's been put on you, can you just hire somebody to break it and harass your wife? Yeah. Is that possible? They literally say, I'm not allowed to contact her. Well, isn't sending a guy to contact her,

contacting her? That would be contacting her. I'm really like, yeah, contacting. Yeah. So yeah, but the wife is going to storm off and give Granny a piece of her mind. And she's like, mom, why are you doing this? And she's like, because I'm the fucking bad guy,

but all the stuff that I'm trying to do would be the good thing. So they're really having to go out of their way to make me evil. It's tricky. And another line in this human movie was, whatever do you mean is what she says, like this is fucking Cinderella or some shit. Like what?

It might be, it might be they're like, who's the evil female character? Oh, this is the evil mother-in-law cylinder. What ever do you mean? Who? Yeah, they caught the mirror, mirror on the wall side plot of this. Yeah. Well, and then okay, so in the middle of this bit, there's this wild moment

where the mother and law starts bitching about Jake's dad wanting to win prizes for physics. This is, I remember when I told you to put a pin in something, take that pin out because she says Jake is just like his father who, quote, dreamt of getting these big research grants while all his colleagues were laughing out him behind his back. So he was Peter Begozian, but that aside, you're saying Peter Begozian beats his back. So he was Peter Begozion, but you're saying Peter Begozion beats his

kids. Yeah, this means that Jake, the Jackhammers mean rough dad who used to take him out to the wood shed and to be violent sport of boxing. What's a physics professor? Okay, here we are in the wood shed. As you can see, the force applied onto a small area with this is how you would break open the wood. I can't do it myself. I'm a nerd. I understand the mechanics. Here's the mechanics limit for you. And to be clear, this is also my best worst. This is when this is being like, you know, what's an evil person

Physicist Yeah, she's like yeah, and she actually says the mother-in-law. She's like I knew Jake's dad at first of all she says the university I knew dad at the yeah, she went to T you and she went to university college university and T you and you went to university college university and She's describing this person as evil because he's always studying bullshit physics No bearing on reality that guy just away Tilted at windmills or building wind power turbine something stupid and fake Yeah, tell us about climate change or something. All right.

So now we get Jake, he's going to head to the boxing gym again. And I love this thing because this is where Franco is going to speak English at us at length. So good. He has a closing the gym devotional that he'd like to share. And then he's like, now get ready, Jake. Tomorrow you box fighters boxing. And Thomas is like, really, only 50 minutes into this fucking movie. And there's actually going to be some boxing in it.

Wow. Okay. I'll lay back and read my Bible until then. And I cannot wait for the fucking boxing. Yeah, right. Well, we are getting dangerously close to somebody, punch in somebody in this boxing movie. So we'll pause let you catch your breath. But first, let me give back three of the hearts out here. Will Jake punch people for Jesus?

Is this actually a king hippo origin story? Was I the only one who was disappointed that he didn't fight cancer girl at the end find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the belated conclusion of one more row. Mr. Sorbo, I can't tell you how excited we are to have you in our movie. Yeah, yeah, okay, but go ahead and try at least try to do that. Okay, really excited. Really, really excited. Yeah.

Okay, well, we'll come back to it. You can try harder next time. So what's the part you have for me? Okay, so it's a boxing movie and you're a down and out boxer that used to be great. Okay. I'll do stunts, but I charge $400 a punch. You're way of that. A trainer. I meant that you're the trainer of a down and out boxer that used to be great.

It's also $500. If I have to hold those stupid little pads, the trainers hold when they do this. A trainer's boss? Boss. At trainers boss boss. You're the boss of a trainer of a down and out boxer that used to be great. Okay. Boss of a trainer got it. You have me for like three and a half hours. And if anybody mentions Hercules or anyone else in the Greek pantheon

honestly, they make amends in the old ways. That's official. That's on the rider. The old ways deal. It's a deal. Great. Great. Also, I want my character to cure cancer with boxing. We'll work it out. We'll work out, sir. Great. Just box the shit out of that cancer. Punch it right out of our stupid nine year old face. And we're back for more of this shit and our reward for making this far into the boxing movie is some boxing. So well eventually sort of yeah. A little bit. So okay, so Jake has to start training. So they go find a guy that is ever so slightly less skinny than me to fight this enormous fucking uncooked biscuit of a human. Okay, so we're finally getting to boxing, right? And foolish little me, I think, because I don't have the history you guys do.

I thought when I first watched this, I was like, you know, this guy is such a fucking awful actor, but maybe, just maybe, he was a real boxer. Maybe that's what, like he's, you know, fighters are Christian as fuck, like they're super religion. They're like pray in the goddamn UFC ring and stuff. So I'm thinking like, okay, maybe we'll get some real boxing because we didn't get any acting. Nope.

No, my God, this fucking guy, oh my God, we get some shirtless stuff going, look, I wanna say this, there's no wrong way to have a body. But if there was, except this exact way, this is the one, except this precisely this wrong way. He's like, he's wrong way to have a body that you take out into a boxing ring in shorts. This guy is five to two forty and he has like childbearing hips. All the way to this muffin top. Yeah, it's, he's not a boxer at least within the last four decades, I'll say, but he doesn't

know how to box at all. It's, it's unreal. I, I had a hope like, okay, maybe that'll be, and there are a couple real boxes in the, you know, at least amateur boxers in the movie, but no, not Jake the Jackhammer. Not this guy. No, I'm also quite certain that he insisted on having this particular fat kid in the background now because he like had to take a shirt off for the first time. And I got, well, I'm going to need a fat kid near me at all moments in this scene.

So they got a ridiculously over the top fat kid. And the kid in the background is just like looking himself in the mirror trying to find like the unfattest angle. You guys do this or maybe it's just me who does this big people do this. We look at the mirror and we angle ourselves and we try to find like, oh, my boobs look the smallest from this. If I tilt this way towards somebody, I look less. Maybe they make them after, after Jake was like, yeah, I want that fat kid in the scene. He's like, what? And then action. He's like, I'm I just looking at something. And we you guys have a highlighted in your notes. A lot of like boxing words. We get the ultimate boxing words here because we finally, this is supposed to be the exciting like, oh, the

legend, Jake, the Jackhammers finally back in the ring. And, you know, they're going over to Kevin Sorb. Oh, come, you got to see this. Nothing that's happening. And somebody in the crowd or in the whatever, the assembled boxing gym patrons, yells, Jake, do a headshot. Which is like box box and come on. Go boxing match. Boxing boxing boxing. What it was so great is the idea here is clearly like the writer in his mind thought. Yeah, he'll just be kicking so much ass in the boxing. We're everyone will run in to see him fighting, but the guys just sort of standing there

in the middle of the ring. Swat and the other guys. It would be like if in standing there in the middle of the ring swat at the other guy It would be like if in that scene in the matrix when they are like, hey Morpheus is fighting. No, you get there and they're playing slaps, you know Well, he's fast as ever. He's not moving Is the slowest fucking turn out there. He's, he's blibbically fast. He's fast like a cedar. You should see that fast. He is. So okay. So Franko tells him about the big cancer charity tournament. And if he wins, he could win $40,000 that won't go to chemotherapy, kind of figured the boxes would just donate their time.

I know. That's a high purse for a cancer charity event. Like what? Usually. Yeah. Right. Like that would have been like, like if you had charged us to do vulgarity for charity reads, right? It is. Like that'd be cool if it was like, if it was cancer kids fighting in the tournament. So like, right, got an extra 40 grand. And that would have been a great movie, but that was so disappointing. They put cancer girl on all the posters and no one ever fought her. Fuck you.

I want my money back. Get fucking Dustin Diamond or something like make it, make it interesting. Get screeching. Bring the whole chemo ward and get free chemo okay so now it's the next day there's even more boxing going on this is where we meet Tony oh god now Tony will just step in as though he's just showing up from a movie that got canceled right and they were like okay but we'll let your character come into this movie and have a character arc, right?

Because like Tony, Tony is no one up to this point. But then he's like, Tony, you're too angry. Get out of the ring. And he's like, sorry, I will go over here and tell Jake my complicated backstory. Yeah. Why so angry, man? And once again, we get bad improv backstory. Yeah, I just, I'm so, let's see,

what would might I be at this point? I'm just so mad because in myself, Jesus forgave me, oh, let me work something out here. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Yes and, yes and, yes and I'm mad, yes and I, I raise car driver, fuck, oh. Yeah, I guess I Wish car driver fuck off She's that kid looking at his boobs in the mirror what

Yeah, old man fashion guy I gotta look Again, I'm not sure how much it matters, but like his story is oh man I used to be such a dick. I got to go pregnant and I was bailed. And like they want to make Jake, I guess be good now or have some positive impact on somebody in this world. And so he's like, you know, maybe you should like try to contact your old family. He's like, yeah, maybe. And then like that's the extent of the scene.

Yeah, but they can't even get there without like admitting how shitty their religion is right because Tony says Yeah, man gods forgiven me for this, but I haven't forgiven myself and just like well, have you even contacted your child? No, what like so you have done absolutely nothing, but you the voice in your head forgave you so you're pretty sure it's okay Yeah, right. All right. Welcome to Christianity If anything is Exactly that's like a really sensible reaction to Christianity like wow I'm forgiven for everything I've done but like I'm kind of a asshole. So how do I reconcile this? This isn't a sense. Yeah, and then we get to the montage. Yes, sir. The first scene of this montage, the first scene is Franco trying to teach Jake literally

thing one of boxing, which is when you throw a punch with one hand, the other glove is going to be up protecting your temple. And Jake can't even do it. He doesn't even, he doesn't run. This would be like, if fucking Tiger Woods quit golf for 10 years and then he does a training montage to get back into it and someone is like, okay, here's the end of the club you hold and then like Tiger's like, okay, and he grabs the wrong end. It's inside of me. It's inside of me. What happened? Yeah, falls down.

His pants fall down as weaners hanging out. Like that's what it would be. That's the equivalent. Like you, if you don't know the one thing of boxing that I know, you're not a boxing. Yeah, right. But Jake's just like, Jake's just like Robin is belly

and punching himself in the face. Am I doing it right now? No. Question for you guys. Did you happen to turn on the closed captions for the lyrics of this fucking rip off song? No, because we get a song during this this montage that is it's essentially this is the I made a bot listen to a thousand hours of Andrew Torres's favorite music. And then I wrote a song, the lyrics are nonsense. It might have been written by Franco actually. It's like, here's what, here's I got a quote here, holding you close in

a hope of a way surrounded by the lies, longing for love, no way to lose. And then I just my brain quit. Now that's all right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah it is utter nonsense. It's amazing. I have the leopard. It's the difference. We get that one. I'm a leopard. I'm different than tiger. All right. So now Cindy and Brock are having a front yard picnic together. They are having a picnic at the local high school. Yeah. And by picnic, what we mean is this is what's in the picnic basket. I swear to you, two red apples, three green ones, three bananas, two pairs, and the

spare key to the shed. They obviously just grabbed the basket. There was on the fucking table and pointed out to the front yard and put it on a towel. This is a fruit heavy. I feel like I mean, they're gonna be shit like crazy. Hey, did you bring a cornucopia? Is that a horn? You're weird and they talk. He starts talking about all those groupies. Yeah, and it's like I love it. I love the idea of golf those groupies. Yeah. And it's like, I love it. I love the idea of golf pro groupies. There's like hanging out in the pro shop thinking

if they bat their eyes at him, they'll get a discount on greens fees. Like, yes. I really like discount golf. Watch this. I'm gonna go, hey, Mr. you must be, Brock, Thorne Phil. Yeah.

Well, yes, that is my name at the top of the price sign there. How are we ever going to pay for these greens, fiends? How are you pepperoni pizza? You couldn't see it. You could possibly throw in a small basket of range balls, could you help a, help a hot teen out. So yeah, in the whole bit here, like Brock's talking to the wife and he's going, like, I was in love with, but she just couldn't handle my golfing lifestyle. All those crazy golf benders that we went on waking up at a nice early hour and you're

having breakfast golf like it's new to your movie. Just do music. It's an actor. Yes, he could be a musician. Anything. I feel like if you told Jeremy London to play a guy who was an actor, he would have said, I'll come on. The problem is they're stuck in the world's shittiest herald and they have to call back to the bullshit fucking improv they did where some asshole improved him as a golf pro. Yeah, they have to make it work. Like yeah, all those golf pro groupies. That fucking damn it. Why did you say golf pro groupies? Jeremy London tells a story of doing Coke off Tiger Woods dick. Like, okay, we can roll in this. That sounds. You're a golfer with groupies. Got it.

Where he goes. No, no, tell the story. We also get a weirdly long speech from non-English speaker Franco again, which is not the not the greatest pick. Like he stops him from boxing and he's just like, I like it to read a, come and say DJ, uh, soliloquy from the family. What? You're gonna have him do a slow, okay? Okay. All right. So Jake goes to leave. Um, but Damien, if Stu and Larry don't show up at the Jim with some good news, turns out that the evil Jew got fired and Larry was promoted to the new manager so he can have his job back. But he says, but he's got some bad news because he says, yeah, Meyer found out that Lawrence was on to him and he canceled your sales.

So there's no commission. You mean the sale from three weeks ago that has already been delivered and is in there how he just you went like I you know that furniture you've been using for three weeks. We're canceling that you didn't buy that as a turn. Yeah. I don't I don't get how what does that solve? I don't even understand any part of that. There's so dumb.

And then they give them a smaller amount of money. They're like, well, we couldn't get you the commission magically that we just explained somehow. You don't have that. But here's like $300. Yep. And then Jake is like, well, God's finally providing. That's, well, I mean, less than secular commissions, but still providing. This is good.

This is good. Yeah. No, God's providing. Now, will you guys please go help me move my stuff out of the house that's being foreclosed on tomorrow? Yeah. Right. So they do. Stuart Lerrier going to help him clean up, but just as he's moving out, Brock shows up with his wife in his very nice car so that they can have a fight. And I'm not sure if this is intentional, but he said, like she's like, oh, getting into fighting. Good fucking idea, Jackass. That's awesome.

And he says, hey, I'm trying to provide for my family. And she says, yeah, we'll sell him on. Implying like, I'm gonna fuck this golf. Yeah. That's my pussy. I don fuck this golf. Yeah, that's right. That's my pussy. I don't, yeah, like I did they mean this is a question. I genuinely don't know if they mean that or not. Like is that what it is?

I'm providing for my family. Are you sucking any millionaire dick? No, guess who's winning this game? Guess who's a better mom, sucking millionaire dick. What's that? And of course, Larry has to hold him back again at this point. You know, Larry starts holding the bag. He's like, dude, I'm not fighting him. He's like, I'm still holding you back. I just sense you needed some, you know, just general holding back just in general. It's not specific or anything.

You breathing hot air onto my neck. I feel like that's unrelated to holding back. Just to just try to diffuse the tension and just to really get it diffusing. And then we get like this one bizarre scene where Cindy is asking God whether she should fuck her husband or the golf pro, right? Oh my God. And no one has ever used a phone in this movie. She's surfing Facebook.

Imagine surfing Facebook with one, like she's holding the phone four feet from her and using one index finger to like point and clip. Like that's not nothing. And she's narrating it aloud, right? Like you know how when you look at Facebook, you say now I'm looking at pictures of my ex girlfriend, her husband looks fat, you know. Right. Yeah. And the scene is so sad, too. They're trying to like confirm a God here again. It's supposed

to be like one of the Christian scenes. And she's like, Hey, God, really need you to say something here. Like one tangible thing because it's been and seen. Yeah. Literally the camera guy even waited for a few seconds. He's like, I guess I'll hold this. Oh, you guys didn't have any blank. That's, that's, wow. Yeah, okay, fade out, I guess. Woof, Jesus.

Reminder, the quandary that she finds herself in is, how do I choose between a millionaire golfer who drives a nice car? And by the way, maybe he used to have grubbies, but says like, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm chained. It wasn't for me. I'm settling down. How do I choose between that guy and a loser who tries to pay mortgages with shells and doesn't understand how they work and like can't like like what? Guys, only discernible talent is getting punched in the head repeatedly.

Yeah. God is up there. Like, I feel like I don't need to help you with this one. Right? I think I made clear. I sent you a millionaire with a car. This is, this test just answers itself, lady. Come on.

That is her quandary. And yeah, she does it like Homer Simpson with cookies. She's like, Lord, I offer you this millionaire golfer saying nothing and I'll leave my husband's. Yeah. That will be done. So good. All right. So now it's time for the big boxing charity cancer thing to start. And if you thought yourself as I did, oh good. This is the finale. No, this is a multi-day tournament. Yeah. Oh my God. And also, we get the commentators who essentially say, Hey, everyone, it's us, the boxing commentators from Jake's dream in the beginning of the movie. For some reason, because even though he has a box for 10 years, he still remembers us. I don't know. But with the age at it, the Howard Cosell of the regional amateur boxing and skill

wearing the fuck. And like, what TV network is this on? Yeah. For these two commentators work for it. Like, it's not just one guy either. It's like, who's paying this, the salaries of these people? I don't know, but they clearly couldn't afford like a laptop or tablets for these guys. They've just got pages all swooshed out in front of them. I also, I love, okay. So they

have, they can show us a crowd and they can show us a boxing ring and they can show us commentators. They cannot show us any of those two things at the same time. Yeah. And they can play that someone hit the cheers button, the crowd noise button on the fucking laptop. And just constant like during the each match is four rounds. Just, like just constant. Oh, nice. It might as well come up with like a somba beat at one point. Like, oh, shit, I pressed one on Casio. It's doing somba beat. Turn it off. And by the way, when like, when they like introduced the boxer and the crowd supposed to get wild, they just turned the volume off on the crowd. And it's a little bit.

Yes, everyone raised the decibels of your cheering cycle. They're passing the same cactus again. Oh my God. Let's just say this guy is no Bruce Buffer. He's not even, he's no Buffer brother. He's no, none of them. Like, I know this is a shit movie. But like, is it too much to ask? You couldn't find one of your dipshit friends who would try to have an announcer, but like,

this is on, if somebody, one of my friends came to me and was like, I'm making a shitty low budget movie. Do you want to do the announcer thing? I'd be like, oh, that's fun. I'll do it. And ladies and gentlemen, right in the year one, Connor, we got that, like I do, it'd be fun. This guy, he's supposedly in a packed boxing venue,

and his tone is like it's an FDR fireside check. He's like, I'm not ending the red corner. I'm just getting that, let's get ready to rumble. Okay. Okay. Let's get ready for the boxing match. And he's on the fucking ring, the ring microphone and audio guy put some fucking reverb on it. What are you doing? Oh my God. And this guy looks like

everything that you've ever found in a couch, right? Like it all formed together into one guy. He's so fucking sloppy. Yeah. And also, so, okay. So Jake and his boxing team, they're watching this commentator on TV in the locker room, begging the question, what goddamn station are they watching? I know they've got like the clothes, the CCTV. Yeah. Right. It's just a puppet show. If you look at the screen, they're just. Yeah. At one point they do the space balls, like looking at themselves. Yeah. Right. We're on right now. How are we? Also, Tony shows up at this point. He just walks in the room and says, Hey, guys, I record and styled with the family.

I was upset about two scenes earlier. I'm done with my part now. This feels like a good time to bring this up. Uh, read the room, man, like this. Yeah. All right. So now the intro to I of the leopard starts playing. I mean, they literally they are one no way.

Dun, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, you know they are one no way is done to the day. My thing. The whole fucking way the announcer is super sad to be there. The ref doesn't know what the fight is like, I want a clean fight. And I want you to touch your do the glove touchy thing. And then and then I want to fight. It's just lead by twice. Yeah, exactly. He's like, the one thing this guy knows about fights is that Ress want a clean fight. He's like, that's the only piece of information.

I want a clean fight. I'm looking at you bad guy, black guy looking at you. Oh, man. I'd really love for the bad guy to also be white. Can we just make just movies guys? He can have a bad guy. I just also know. can do, Amiga. No, no, no, irrationally angry black men are the bad guy.

That's the movie. But we're not exaggerating like that's that's that plays out now. Like the boxers, the only ones that have good sportsmanship are the two white boxers in this tournament. Everybody else is evil and taunty and black. And mind you, we're at a cancer charity boxing. And like they still have the black boxers like, fuck you, man. I fucking punch him. The rest and stuff. Yeah. It's so racist. There's also this great moment from Franco, where he's like saying, like, look, I know that the guy you're about to fight is in really, really good shape. And you're you, but trust me in boxing, a big sloppy dad bod is a huge advantage. Yeah.

If he punches you, no, you're fat, you're fat. So just use that. Yeah. Try to draw his punches toward your extremely fat muffin top stomach. Exactly. You try to catch a fist in there extremely fat muffin top stomach. That's exactly. You try catch a fish in there. I'm a hell of a corner, man. Don't let him punch you in the mouth or else you'll pull your pants down and then he'll

punch you in the next. And then if you fall down, you're done. You can't get back up. Uh, so good. He walks out there. We post montage, by the way. So he's supposed to know something about boxing. He walks down there. His hands aren't even up. He just walks out. Hands aren't up. He gets knocked in the face like 10 times. It's just like, oh, so he didn't do a

montage. He doesn't have that. Yeah. Well, so they're doing turn based boxing and the black guy gets the first 10 turns. He rolls the dice. Yeah. Yeah. But, but you know, that's tricky because it's turn based. But then the trainer guy, Frank, goes like, do the thing where you start punching now. And he's like, oh, thank you for the thing you start was. And it's like, great. Thanks. Track and field coach run faster. Got it. Okay. Perfect. And then he gets the, the big spinning roundhouse punch for the win. Yeah. Right.

He's a wild wind is our mop a couple of times there. Yeah. So okay, so he wins the fight. We get a quick scene where moms put in the daughter to bed. And there's another instance where I was really glad Eli wasn't there. And then we cut to the locker room after the fight. All of the guys in his team are trying to say boxing words to each other. They run out immediately.

So literally they're saying things like, man, that time you punched him that one time. Wow. Like stickin' move, stickin' move. Knock out. Already said knock out. I forgot. I forgot. I used to do a headshot earlier.

Crap. I used to do a headshot earlier crap. So, okay. So Jake starts winning again, but in more of a montage type of way this time, but also the OJ Simpson's kid is also winning his fights too. Right. And they say, I'm sorry, it's just, I can't, it's so easy to not be this stupid. I, it really is. They say, Hey, tomorrow it's you and Taylor.

And he's like, I got this. And he's like, well, he's been winning his fights. Yeah, it's a tournament. That's the only way this could come about. Yeah. If you've won all your fights, you're going to fight the other guy who's won all this fight. There's no other way it can work. We're not in the losers bracket.

I figured the movie would have the losers bracket. Also, one of those guys who lost his way to the big championship fight. Like everyone else was DQ exactly. All right. So now we have to write Brock Thorne Hill out of this out of the movie, right? So we have the, and again, just to give you an idea how bad this movie is, Brock is dropping Cindy, the wife off at two in the afternoon, right? It's very clearly the sun is directly over their heads.

She says, thank you so much for tonight. Like improv that bit, right? Like clearly you meant to be filming this at night. You're not how hard is it for you to say thank you so much for today or this afternoon. But no, she has to stick with tonight. They were out on one of those golf vendors,, yeah, they were still out from last night. Holy shit. 19th hole was fucking crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. But she breaks up with him. She tells him, Brock, you're a good man. You're just not my good man. Okay, so we cut to the work, about to get ready for the big championship bout. Fucking day 19 of this Yeah, everybody you had cancer is dead by the way So long to do this thing. Well, that's probably why they try cancer girl out at this point

They're like this has been a long tournament. I want you to know our cancer girl has not died. She's still here Yeah, she comes out gets on the mic. Hey, I could really use the money. Like I don't have much time left. I need the chemo now. They're saying like sooner rather than, okay, we'll do whatever. See, I'll keep going. But also, by the way, the announcer is such a dick. He makes her pick a favorite, right? I know. I know. That's what you want to do to a cancer girl in a live fucking event. Oh, pin her down on a prediction for the fight. Yeah. Such an awkward moment.

He's like, Lindsay, how are you stupid cancer? Sorry. I just wanted to face cancer. What is wrong with me? Who are you rooting for? And she has to be like, I'm rooting for the white guy. Not. Yeah, right. Right. Again, the old she knows is one guy's white and one guy's black. She's rooting for the white guy. Yep.

So okay, so they go out to get ready for the fight and BA, he has this great line. He says, boy, I'm going to beat you three different ways. Hard, fast and all day long. That's the one he like memorized. He thought of that last night when he was on the shiner. He's like, wait, wait, hard hard fast and hot. No, hard. Takes out a note pad. He's like, he's like, he's right. Just that on your phone. Jake's just like cool. Seems like, I mean, fast and all day long contradict a little bit.

You could just punch knock out. And another, another fun thing about this, they somehow managed to get Jake the jackhammer some real boxing trunks. The poor black dude is wearing basketball shoes. He's wearing literal basketball shirts. Like they found him working out in a, like a 24-hour fitness. And he was like playing some basketball and they're like, you have an amazing physique, want a star in our movie? And he's like, yeah, sure, but I'm not changing. And that's okay. Great. Lawrence is going to regress you down. Get your all on up. And you go, and you'll just go man boob to man boob and show off the aggressive, aggressive contrast in topography with our lead actor. It's not. Lawrence, he's entirely Greece now.

You guys, you got to stop. He's too much. You need to save some Greece. So all right. So now it's time for the big fight. And Jigskin is asking, but luckily Franco shouts out the one piece of advice that Franco's been repeating the entire movie. Keep your gloves up.

That's correct. By the way, you do want to do that. That's a good move. He never does the entire movie, keep your gloves up. That's correct. By the way, you do want to do that. That's a good move. Yeah. He never does it. And by the way, convenient too, because there's no bell for the round. It just ends whenever it feels like he wants to go back to the corner. No, if you're getting beat up, you know, nine seconds in, you call a quick time out.

And that's a good strategy actually because that's what fucking happens. This corner is base. This corner is base. I'm at base. That's it. He literally like, we get, we get eight, nine seconds of boxing. We get hit. Jake gets hit.

And he's like, Ali, time out, time out. He punched me right in the face. Like right in the face. That hurts. And of course, again, they have to make B.A. BA into the bad guy so he starts fighting the referee and shit. He's like I'm gonna punch this cancer girl You know cuz I'm the bad guy Yeah, and BA once again at a charity cancer boxing event at one point Just dex Jake after the bell. Yeah

At one point just dex Jake after the bell. Yeah, like Yeah, with with a nine year old chemo patient watching that's how racist these writers are they're like Oh, man, you know, the angry black man thing Well, it is fucking trainer is so furious. He's going what are you doing man? If you get disqualified This is the stupidest possible move. Eddie says Eddie says you get disquiet. No, you're just swapping the referee. There's no left. Okay, that's a warning on fucking knocking out the guy after the bell. You've stern, I love to do, sir. You know, you're done. That's the end of the fight. No, I get one more cheat before I get in this 12. I'm going to either go with folding chair when the refs not looking. I mean, that's a good one. Or a pocket stand. If that one doesn't work, I'll go pocket stand.

But I get one more. But now it's time for my best worst. Oh, it's the best. Jake goes back to his corner and the trainer. Franko says, Hey, you seem to have all of the symptoms of a massive concussion. I'm going to call the fight. And Jake's like, no, I could push through this head trauma. And somehow they managed to give Franco all the sensible like, yeah, Franco's like, no, dude, you don't just push through

a brain injury. I'm so weird. They give him all these sensible lines like, no, this is stupid. I don't, and he says, and Jake says, I can win this. And Frank goes, I don't care. Like, you know, I was expected any moment for Frank go to do the Mr. Miyagi hand thing on Jake's forehead or something. No, but he's just telling him he's dumb the whole time. Like Jake's like, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And then Frank's actual line of response is you can do all things through stupid who you're stupid. Pretty much is he says all the sensible lines.

He said it's something like, yeah, but you can also be stupid through God or something. Yeah, it's everything he says is right. And then he's like, okay, red, you're ready to go. The ref comes over and he's like, yeah, and Frank goes like, okay, sure. Yeah. I'm ready to go. Yeah. So yeah, so Jake had to back out with the concussion to make it those last three rounds. Yeah. Now lucky for him, the rounds are only eight seconds long if he gets hurt. And there's a loophole. If you hug the other man, the round ends. That's a cool. He got three seconds. Gets his ass kicked and then hugs OJ and then

it's like, Oh, I guess time out that hugging is time out. So also there's this great moment where like once Jake reaches maximal stupidity, right? The trainer says after another round, he's like, look, dude, I'm not going to allow you to go back out there and fight with brain damage anymore. Jake says, leave it to God and just in that moment, the wife shows up and she says, that's right. Leave it to God. She's there to double down on the single worst idea of this movie as hat. And it's one of those classic boxing match currences where you have a 10 minute meeting

with your wife and child in the corner. No one's there. Some out like those would be Primo seats. Like those would be where people would sit to watch the fight. But now it's just, they just come out of the darkness and like, so weird. Let God handle it.

Yeah. The brain injuries are what they are. Let God handle it. That's the message. That's Roger Gidell said that too. This is not good. That's not good. This is what they're all tiptoeing around is the fact that like Jake is already so fucking stupid that they're like, what's

the difference? It doesn't. What's one more? What do you really have to lose? All right, so he goes out there for the pedals. I love to because he just have this like heart to heart with his family, but BA still got to be the bad guy. So his shit talk now is like, oh, does your family love you? You love me too. What do you gay or some love your family? So fucking stupid. And now he's practicing Jax, practically like, yeah, my, my family loves me. And B.A. is like, oh, must be nice.

No, it's supposed to really is supposed to work. Oh, fuck. I got some stuff to think about. Kind of like the wild card. I see. And they pay it out quickly, by the way, they do a quick cut to cancer kid who is getting what she always wanted, blood and violence, contribute to her. Yeah, exactly.

She's like the fucking jaffery over there. Like, my cancer. Oh, my cancer. All right. So now it's the final round and they're fighting in slow mo. So you know, it's legit. He has to flash back to earlier parts of the movie. In case you somehow didn't have your bingo yet. Yeah. And oh, God, the big knockout is so great. Jake in slow motion, Jake ducks 17 feet under OJ's punch. He goes underground to duck. The whole point of boxing like you barely miss. Like you want to barely duck up a minimal movement. Like that's how you're better boxer.

You fat, you barely miss the encounter. He does counter. He goes into like a snake on the ground duck, like he starts wiggling. And then in slow motion, you know, he's jamming the A button to power up the punch like he's like, and then he goes, wow, wow. And then like, it's a five minute punch that knocks him down to the bed sheet that someone laid down. What was that? Under down. What was that? Under him. He went, what was that? They filmed this in a different time, I guess.

And yes, he's on a bed sheet. BA falls down to a bed sheet. It's uncomfortable. Is this like, do we cut into a sex tape? Is this a sex tape? Or like, did they film the ring in a public bathroom? And he was just like, well, I'm not falling onto that Larry was like, let me put down a nice bedsheet for him. He's gonna be

But yeah, but Jake won the boxing because God likes him better than black people But the movie still can't be fucking over because we have to go see Kevin Sorbo again, right? Yeah, we have this He still can't be fucking over because we have to go see Kevin Sorbo again, right? Yeah, we have this ridiculously so okay, so Jake and his family are now reunited. They're one big happy family and they all go to the gym to meet up with Kevin Sorbo and This is where Sorbo informs him that he will be giving Jake half of his boxing gym right because You know Act three Right. Cause, you know, act three.

Yeah, that's not how business works. Like, you can just work at the gym. You don't need to give him half the gym, what? Like, and meanwhile, I realize this, think about poor fucking Franco. He must have been pitlie. Yeah. He just gave himself half just came to this loser and Kevin Torbo leaves because he's like, all right, I've done

every fucking thing for this movie. I'm done. He leaves and they rub it in. Franco's fucking face. They're like, oh, yeah, the husband and wife are like, we got a gym. We got a gym. Man, gaining ownership of gyms is so fucking, oh, sorry, man. But anyway, Franco, we're gonna have

let you go. We don't have. It doesn't, doesn't make any sense. He didn't pass the everify it. And they dig in on the brain injury. This is the happy ending, but you do have a traumatic brain injury and can never really work again. That's why we have to give you half ownership of this gym. So it's happy. It's a happy. It's a happy ending of like, well, I'm probably going to gun down my wife and child and then myself. If this is my end with Jake doing a crisp and why and doing a murder suicide. Favorite movie of all time, favorite of all time. It's hard to put a happy spin on the traumatic brain injury, but damn, if they don't try. And of course, right at the end, right before Kevin Sorbo walks out, he's like, oh, I almost

forgot this shitty little vehicle. Who are you? And he goes, if this time he gets the answer, right? He says, I'm Jake Taylor, child of God. That's apparently the answer that he was looking for the whole time and now the stupid fucking movie can end. The answer is child of God, everybody. We were looking for child of God. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to say what is. You don't have to say what is. All right. So the moral of this story seems to be, and correct me if I'm wrong, let Jesus be your neurosurgeon.

Yeah. Right. Got to admit, worse than I was expecting in terms of morals. But since they open the door to brain damage as a theme, I'm going to close up by asking you this. What's the worst way you can get brain damage that's still better than getting it by watching this movie? All right.

I put some thought in this. I'm thinking, here's the scenario I'm thinking of. Having Andrew Torres be like, no, no, Thomas, you're wrong about 80s butt rock. And then he put some on. And he starts, he, and Andrew starts rocking out. He starts head banging, right? And he clobbers me in the temple. And I'm just a vegetable after that.

And it's still better than this movie because I assume I get some amount of conjugal vegetable hospital visits or something. Plus, I don't have to do shit anymore. Yeah, he's going, you would definitely get some conjugal hospices. When you're vegetable, I mean, people brag about like, oh yeah, I just, I've vegetated that this weekend. Yeah, you know, like, so that's still better than this movie.

Life goals. Life goals. Nice. The worst part of that scenario was the music, by the way, wasn't the yeah, just just make clear. Okay, worst way to get brain damage. Still, um, so you know, Gabby Giffords, remember her? Oh, God. I feel like, I feel like she'd know how to get out of watching this movie. Like she's out of the day. That's it.

Sorry. No, I got my face. I can't make it. It helps you move. All right. Well, Thomas, I cannot thank you enough for hanging out with us today. Just in case our listeners are distressed of the thought of not getting to hear your voice anymore.

Where can they go to find some more? Oh, opening arguments highly recommend for, you know, if you want to keep a good track of politics and the law these days, check out in newer show philosophers in space. That one's a lot of fun. People are, are having a lot of fun on that one. And, you know, Noah, that's one, you know, you've been on. So, yeah, yeah. You guys still haven't brought me on, oh, a for my legal expertise, but hey, you know, you know, you've been on. So, yeah, yeah. You guys still haven't brought me on, oh, way for my legal expertise, but hey, you know, you forgot the list at the intro, but that's fine. You've been on it. It's fine. No big deal. You came on it, but you forgot it. It's fine. No, it's all fine. What I'm saying is fine. No hard feelings are anything.

So fine. But no, check those out. Comedy, she's shy and serious and quiz only all that stuff. Thank you so much for having me. It was an absolute pleasure. I love doing the show. He smizzled. Ooh, all right. Well, I'll tell you what, of course, we'll have all of those linked on the show notes, even, even that philosopher one that he said, I'll listen back over. I'll remember the name of it after I listen back over the seven. So well, that's going to do it for a review of one more round. That's not going to do it for the episode. Yes, yet, because we still need to renew this commitment. So heath, tell us what's on deck. Thomas, sorry, one more time. Space philosopher. What was it? Ha ha. Space star. Star talk. Is that what you said?

Who are you? Yeah, Star talk. Who are you? Not that answer. Not that answer. All right, so here's what's on deck. We've got a movie called Silence. It is a Marty Scorsese Christian movie. It's got, yeah, it's apparently real. It's from like three years ago. It's got Liam Neeson. It's got Andrew Garfield.

I think like real actors, real director. I am baffled by this. Yeah, I don't know how to hold us in and up on our list. Okay. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way.

I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the

way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan of the way. I'm not going to be a big fan got awful in there by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five store review on iTunes and by sharing the show in all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our siblings shows, the skating a, the excitation needed in the schedule grant available on iTunes, stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodoffelmoviesaGmail.com. Linkless services for this podcast are provided

on the Bible offices of P. Andrew Torres. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnikov, people of drafts on Mars. All of the music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used for permission. Thanks again for giving us a check your life this week for Heathen, right?

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Was the gist I was going for with that joke. I was, it was a joke at my own expense, but. Oh, right. No, I thought you were saying because you've replaced teeth before and you felt no need to be funny when you're, oh man. I even think that that's how I took it. That's funny. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I honestly did not even, I was joking like I normally come and don't worry about even bothering being funny. Gotcha. But I think maybe your way is better. So I keep it. Yeah. No, hilarious joke. Thomas hilarious joke. Crushed it. You did exactly what you said you would need to do. You were so fucking funny when you said that. fucking funny when you said that. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.