God Awful Movies - 18: GAM018 Christmas Angel

Episode Date: December 22, 2015

This week comedian Rebecca Vigil joins Heath, Noah, and Eli to break down Christmas Angel, a movie that was just dissimilar enough from Touched by an Angel not to violate any copyrights.  Listen in as we move one depressing step closer to having seen Kevin Sorbo's entire filmography.If you had as much fun with musical comedian Rebecca Vigil as much as we did, you should follow her on Twitter. Our theme music was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.  If you'd like to hear more from him, check out their Facebook page.

Okay, my notes it's just full of violence suggestions. It's like Olivia go for his eyes. Yes, Olivia break his fingers to the side. But it's not she's kind of just like wiping stuff off of them. Oh my god, it was so bad. Yeah, I was in now. Look, I mean, I know it's a 10 year old girl. Yeah. I don't expect her to know ground and pound or anything. Guys, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard Noah say that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be immediate left is my good friend Heath and right he's welcome back thank you uh yeah my um my dad's doing a lot better so I got to see another now you have to Christian movie why's he's moving here? Robert in Heath, Robert in good be worse. He's my dad he recovered from the thing that hurt him. Oh, well yeah that's a great great start let's let's start everybody off

laughing with him. And of course you've already heard him but 989 miles to my right is my bad friend Eli Bosnick Eli good to you to rejoin us It's good to be here and sitting to Eli's immediate left is our special guest Massacus self-described musical comedian Rebecca vigil Rebecca welcome to God awful movies Thanks for having me everybody. Oh you bet you bet now I have to know what exactly is a musical comedian Musical comedian uses music to tell jokes Awesome awesome. Excellent. Now I feel stupid for asking. I probably should So, uh, hey tell us what are we gonna be breaking down today? All right, we watched Christmas Angel, which was delightful. I gotta say it was, maybe the show is skewing my opinion a little bit, but this was just,

it was just a really good TV movie. Just a really great cast. You got Kevin Sorbo, Delarise, you got Tamira from Sister Sister. I mean, this is just good stuff. Not to mention, show stealing fifth grader Isabella Vitavitch look out for this girl she is going to be a good actor right you know I I completely disagree I this is the hill I die on she lost this girl lost every audition that Dakota fanning ever got and this is the compromise she made this girl she't even read this girl.

She's gonna act her for a 40 year old woman. That is true. It's amazing. Yeah, she's gonna play Anne Frank for Tarantino one day. Something she's gonna do. And then it will be the only time I'm ever rooting against Anne Frank. She's a jerk! She's in the attic!

Why don't you people ever check out the spaces? I would have been a great Nazi. Anyway, you put all that talent together and you make a movie about Christmas and angels and cancer and jazz music. You got a winner. It's a wonderful movie. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's a terrible movie, but it's great. It was great.

I enjoyed it. Yeah, I did not have a bad time watching it. All right. Well, at least Eli and I are going gonna be able to get on board on this Want to do believe so Eli tell me how bad was this movie? Okay, so I want to say this is a terrible movie This is a terrible movie. It's not you deserve to get raped or your You if you abandon your child, but then make best friends with Jesus You should be welcome back in your husband to change his religion but this is a terrible

movie and I found the key into this film. The key into this film is Delarice well first of all I can okay for those who aren't familiar with Delarice pause the podcast. Yeah shame I can take a moment. Get YouTube her and listen to her beautiful beautiful voice. Yeah because then she went fucking crazy. She got, I don't know, she got attacked by a bear or something. She had an NDA, she had a near-death experience, NDE, which means that, and you have two choices after an NDE, you go, wow, I'm so grateful to be alive, lucky me, or you go, Jesus! And she went full Jesus and went on to star, or to be a huge part of the show,

touched by an angel, which is a crazy person's show that somehow ran for years and years and years on TV. So whoever made this movie was like, we wanna do touched by an angel. So they wrote the script, it's touched by the angel, but it's more Jesus-y. It's been a little girl, and the angel

is gonna come and do presents. And halfway through, legal walked on the set, and they were like, guys, touch by the angel still owes all those copyrights. We can't do this. And they were like, oh, so who is she? And they were like, she's a black singer who has an accident. And then... The lights of machine. Lights of the light the lights of machine

She got it goes it turns into a light and then she uses her credit card to buy everyone present. Yeah, she is a horrible horrible purchasing addiction. Yes, she is shopping addiction This is whoa. That's what this movie is It's a shopaholic, yeah, and then, and look, if you watch the trailer that we watched, we expected an angel. I was promised an angel, not a sick black lady. If I wanted a sick back black lady, I would go back to meals on wheels.

I stopped. I started eating all the meals. I was let go. It's not, it's a long story I don't want to get into it. But the truth of the matter is, I was promised an angel. It's still a terrible movie. stand by it well now it was a terrible movie obviously but it's not terrible to the level that our movies

normally are so i developed this theory just for the audience notes e-l i picked the last couple of movies and i'm starting to think that suffer through the whole thief in the night thing it's just he's hit the fucking wall he can go no further like every movie is going to be a little bit better like a couple weeks from now he's going to go guys nope because in Ghostbusters they quote revelations and then in this one also a curious says oh god 11 times I count it so that should count as well. Well now the other theory obviously is that this movie is just as bad as everything that we've ever watched but we've just become numb it, so now everything looks like a good movie.

That's what I think. That's what I think. Well, this is my other theory, and I think this is true of this week and last week. These are both shitty movies, but they're shitty Christmas movies, and since all Christmas movies have a little touch of like, and God unites us all. I was just, I was riding in the car the other day And I was thinking about miracle on 34th Street where the courtroom ends with a little girl being like look at gods on the money And I was like that's fucking horrible if that came out today

I would do I would nominate that for guys movies I think we're just biased because Christian movies are usually Christmas movies especially are usually full of shit are usually Christmas movies, especially, are usually folk shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, yes, you're way more forgiving. No, and I love this, and I want to give the audience a little bit of a peek behind the scenes. Eli always makes up the notes that we all share, and he'll have little subtitles for the movies. So his subtitle on this one is,

come on, Delarice, what the fuck happened. And I was so happy to see that, because I thought that was just a Detroit thing. I'm from Detroit, so I claim sort of an ownership over Delarice and talented Black singer ladies in general, but I'm glad to see that it wasn't just me that had to like get depressed as hell every time she was on screen. Oh yeah, no, super different. Especially when that crazy journalist comes in. Oh, she looks like death. That you you I don't want to I don't want to spoil it or jump ahead Sorry, but if you told me that the scene with the journalist was just them going to Delarisa's hotel room

And just making pictures of her and you're being like me alone. Yeah I'm in the rock and roll hollhoff and people taking pictures of your fat tits now don't you? That was my least favorite part of the movie by the way. Oh yeah. It was so dark. Well obviously there's a lot to get to so we're gonna pause for a quick break but then we'll dive nose first into Christmas angel. Tella! Tella!

Oh! Thanks so much for coming in appreciate. Oh happy to be here. Alright so this project is called Christmas angel Oh like like touch by an angel. Um, please don't say that word again our lawyers Inform us it's not similar enough because you aren't actually an eight that word yeah, not in this one now Okay, well what am I then you're an old Black lady who uh I used to be a singer she had a talk show or something then got sick, and now she does some completely different not angling though.

You can't say I'm an angel, so you just chose me, didn't you? Yes, ma'am, we did. Sorry about that. That's correct. And we're back for the breakdown, and I have to say, if this was the opening for a horror movie, the first nine seconds were completely up to snuff. Basically, we immediately get this, there's this old house that's next to her house or whatever, and that's going to be pivotal. But we cut almost immediately from that to her at school where apparently all they ever do is read their Christmas

wishes aloud. That is the only assignment they have at school. This is the 25 week assignment that they can. Apparently. For this movie. And the assignment is so weird and sadistic. It's my impossible Christmas wish. So mean. So mean. So mean.

Stand in front of your peers and tell them. Tell them something you'll never achieve. Let's all go up and stand up and admit our failings. Miss Tisha is going to go first. I wanted to teach people who weren't a little paces of shit. Yeah great. I'm gonna be in the back of my thermos full of skies. Yeah my impossible Christmas wish is being happy in my life. It's horrible. And just to really drive the point home the very first thing we see is this little kid and he's reading his impossible Christmas which wishes a bike but he'll

never get it because he's an orphan and no one loves him and his essay is basically hey everybody I'm an orphan orphan orphan Oscar orphan orphan foster and then the teachers like great wonderful everybody go home now yeah yeah everybody go home and be happy You have parents except for you Mikey. Well, that's why the assignment takes so long They read one a day and then And then the school ends also during this class or during this class scene Kevin Sorbo wanders in to tell him God's not dead But I guess they're too young right turns back around and waits for the older kids. He's acting very

Very suspicious for an adult at an elementary school like I'm saying to myself this guy's gonna get shot by an oath keeper Definitely this yeah, no no question and that's I want to plant a flag right now Kevin Sorbo throughout the entire film, the entire film, behaves like a fucking crazy person. He played it autistic. I thought it was going to be revealed that Kevin Sorbo was a murderer. He freaked out if he was around people. He always left last minute. If they opened up his Christmas witch and it was, I hope the police don't find the bodies. His acting makes sense in this movie, but since they don't, it's crazy. I think he doesn't, I think at this point in his career, he doesn't know how to play characters that don't find Jesus eventually. So because he didn't have that arc,

he was just like, wait, I'm not a big time businessman who's gonna understand it's most important to be about Jesus. Yeah, like always like Jesus. Kevin in this movie you're a doctor who helps people and then I learned that I shouldn't do that. No man you're always a doctor. No one stays a doctor. I don't know how to get into this. He's like Dustin Hoffman and Marathon Man. He's not even acting like an adult either. I wrote down prediction. Sorbo is an afterschool student with Benjamin Button disease. And he's going to talk to the future.

This doesn't make sense otherwise. He's acting like a, like you said, yeah, like an autistic. Yeah, no, basically he plays this character on the spectrum for no fucking reason whatsoever. So a couple of important people we're introduced to in this scene. We're introduced to Olivia. That's going to be our main character. She's the one doing the voice over.

Her best friend Lucas and the bully, whose name I never caught, but is really not selling the bully thing. His name is Joe. He is not selling the bully thing. Joey, not good. And listen, I was a bully. Joey is a terrible, terrible bully. If your version of bullying of a black

hand is who dropped your pencils you're not giving it you're all. This podcast and the things I'm gonna say about Lucas are far worse. This bully does in the entire time. Can we also talk about the fact the first time the little little blonde white girl sees Sorbo she gives him sex eyes. Oh she gives several grown men that will continue all the men. Okay she said it first and we're gonna announce her Twitter at the end. So I figured I'd introduce this girl wants to bones out all of these. She all the grown men does she all the he is grown man. Yes, she is craving D Yeah, and not daddy not daddy. No army maybe daddy, but a different kind of

Yeah, cuz she is given every grown man everyone over the age of 13 in this movie She's like oh my gosh. I fit two popsicles in my mouth at this same time super lowly You should fuck my mom lowly. It's crazy. You should fuck my mom. Yeah. It's crazy. What if I walk in while you guys are fucking, like, what would happen?

Yeah. That's amazing. But what do you do? Throughout the movie, she seems like 35 years old. Oh, yeah. She acts like an insane person. Talk about Benjamin Button disease. Yeah, that's amazing.

She's like, you know, my 401k is really doing great. What? Right. So then they're walking home, baby Dakota fanning, and Lucas are walking home. And they're basically talking about how they're so glad they don't have foster parents. Because their conversation in the entire ride home

is basically like Yeah, man, I mean he wants a bike But he's never gonna get a bike because he's a foster kid and foster parents don't care about their foster kids No foster kids are just like garbage pets, right? Yeah, they're pretty much just garbage pets. Yeah people collect them They're the pen dolphins of children Yeah, no the thing okay, first of all, this is one of, I think something like 611 seeds we're gonna get of Olivia and Lucas walking together

down to sunny street. And what Lucas is actually saying in this scene, this is so fucking dark as he's going like, I don't know why he didn't wish for parents. If I was gonna make him possible wish, I wouldn't want some fucking bike. I'd want my parents to not be dead. I'm like, Lucas is one insensitive fuck. That's like the first thing we learn about this kid. Yeah, I'm glad

I'm glad Joey took his pencils. He deserves a fucking Pencil see Joey is Joey is there for justice because Lucas is a little dick Also by the way, we've already met more than one black character which was very very refreshing Yeah, you gotta love the race I met more than one black character, which was very, very refreshing. I wrote that down there. Right away. Yeah, you gotta love the racially integrated cast. Yeah, yeah. This is like the Jackie Robinson of Pure Flix. It was like half and half, man.

It was crazy. Yeah, and the other way too. Like the Marissa Tomey on a different world of Pure Flix at the same time. He had to really hit. She'd be fair though. 80% of the lines that African Americans say in this movie is, I got gumbo

80% of their dialogue is gumbo right exactly well and just to emphasize that point one of the first things that we see Lucas do is damage other people's property right and by the way so the conceit of this movie is they find an old house Which she lives next to which is all boarded up and run down and they're like and he's like this is a wishing house If you pick up a rock and smash a window your wish will come true. Yeah, that's not a real mythology That's something a psychopath says you didn't know that about vandalism is that's why they do it every time you spray paint a wall you get a man job yeah so that's what he says and and so they decided to do it and of course what they want to wish for since they're such good Christian kids is that the orphan

gets his bike so she says that he throws a rocket to door or whatever this is pivotal to this goddamn movie that's why we're spending so much time on it although I didn't know that at the time so all I wrote in my notes is these kids are never going to make it in porn with those acting skills. Yeah, exactly. I wrote this is not these are below the level of Disney channel. These kids were cut in the second casting of a Disney channel. This is like their their consolation prizes to be in this movie. And now we've got to meet mom. And I want to talk about mom for a second here because she is my favorite actor that

we've encountered in any of these movies by leaps and bounds. She could actually act. She actually was engaging the whole time. This, I mean, I can't believe you're saying this about the mom. The mom, I felt, was a weird asberigiri single lady too. Oh, you didn't like the mom? I thought she was like, why is it that everybody, if they're single and older, wants to be a shut-in?

Like, I just don't know how to be around people anymore. Oh, no, I couldn't agree with you more about the character. The writer needs to get a kick in the nuts for his whole like, what? A 30 year old woman who's not married, what the fuck is wrong? She must be, let's be in her something. He's such a freak.

Yeah, but I liked the actress, but yeah, no, the character was ridiculous. We beat this character within nine seconds. It's like, why aren't you married, lady? Yeah, from the woman across the counter, who's like, Gibbs or't you married, lady? Yeah, from the woman across the counter. It's like, Gibbs or that, like, what does your husband think? Oh, you're single? Hmm.

Oh, I guess you don't have any thoughts at all, then. Yeah, exactly. Are you a flesh puppet? I'm sorry, you just said you weren't married, so I assume that there's like wax underneath your skin. You're a blonde white woman. You should be owned by now. Yeah, there is stance.

Oh, did someone steal you? What are you talking about? What was the soldier in your diet? Why don't you have a folded flag pinned to you so that we know that. That would be more useful. Where is the necklace? Make it fast.

Please show us your excuses. Yeah, she tells a customer she's not married. The way you tell your neighbors about your Megan's law status. I'm a single mother sorry sorry sorry. Don't look at me. Sorry. All right so now so but when we first meet her we meet her the little girl is up upstairs working on her impossible Christmas wish because that's all they do at school and the notice a mysterious Light coming from that abandoned house next door and mom says well, it's not a ghost right and she's correct She is correct. It is not a ghost and to be fair to this character at no point does this character take the notion that it's an angel

Seriously, no her daughter's like it's an angel and she's like, oh, you're a little kid. That's adorable. No, it's not. And she's like, it is. And she's like, I'm going to drop this because you're a little kid. Yeah, true. And that's it. There's no point in this movie.

And this is why this movie is so different from everything else. What we expect from Christian movies at this point is later on for the mom to go, you know what? You were right. It was it is an angel. And this movie just treats people who think angels are real the way everyone else in the world thinks angels. Just like stop. Oh, you can you can cut that out. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I also liked it. This is the first time that we actually get the whole you know, hey, mom, why aren't you married? The little girl asked mom what she would wish for. Well, mom is big

Auburn fans so she's hoping for a win against Alabama I get that I understand that that's her Christmas wish but the daughter says Aren't you sure you wouldn't rather wish for a husband? Would you rather a man muscle that you could ride every night mom and you really want just a fucking football game? Mom I found the dolphin in your drawer night mom and you really want just a fucking football game mom I found the dolphin in your drawer. She's got no batteries for my Wii remote mom. I know. She was just for a college football outcome and Olivia says really LSU you sure you don't

want to wish for not being a neglectful single parent you sure you don't want to make a socially responsible wish maybe wish you weren you don't want to make a socially responsible wish, maybe wish you weren't a whore who got pregnant out of wedlock, I want to. Yeah. Also, just again, to this mom's credit, she's like, I think that's what I would wish for her prayer. And then the mom says, and I can't believe it is made into a movie that we're reviewing, it's okay to wish her say prayers as long as it doesn't make you unhappy, which is the most possible statement I could agree with from any of these movies, which is like, I mean, I guess if you'll want, I'm like, right. Say whatever you want. You say whatever you want. You will say the N word in your

own doing it. Sure. I work with a bunch of them shouting Which moves us right along to our next scene where she works at King cakes and Cajun Bakes I guess because they wanted to really kind of like you know set this movie and So and now we we meet in this scene, the local reporter, oh my god, who looks like an emaciated Ryan Bell. Yeah, it's a poor man's, John Justin Bieber. I have a theory about this. I have a theory that his character description was Jewish, but no one who made this movie has ever met a Jewish person. I don't know, they have brown hair brown hair. Brown hair, they're sneaky.

Yeah, sneaky. Yeah. Like if you offer them a bagel, they won't just write you a newspaper or a article about it. You know what I'm saying? Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. And they just like do whatever they want. I mean, we can't wear not there yet. All of his stage directions are you know like a

Jew Yes, just leave mid sentence without paying. Yeah, I'm right cut cut Jew here just a little so so the owner of her shop whose name I never did catch Tia Tamara. I'm sorry. It's either one Tamara from sister sister. Oh, yeah Tamira I'm sorry either one Tamira from sister sister. Oh, yeah So Dave the owner of the shop wants the reporter to eat his bin yeas because if he eats his bin yeas Then he'll write about them in the local paper and he'll be famous. This will come up 11 more times As will the fact that she's not married which comes up again in this scene right? I feel like that's what the whole damn movies about about. Oh, the whole movie is about filling mom's meat.

Me, me, me, me, me. That's what this movie is. Debbie does Dallas without the fucking. That's what this movie is. So now, then I guess Lucas comes in and scares off the reporter by being loud and black. And now we, the reporter stands his ground and shoots Lucas.

Right. Oh, you saw him coming for me. He had scared us. Right, I had a special drug. He was going to shake it up with some mountain doing and smoke it. Let's do it. So now we learn that the kid, Ricky, the orphan kid,

actually got the bike that they wished for. And he doesn't even know who gave it to him And of course they say well, it's probably that angel that lives in the house we threw a rock at and Ricky to his credit is like Okay, I'm gonna go ride my bike guys have fun with that shit Yeah, exactly I wrote my notes proper reaction to talk about angels. I'm gonna show people my bike I wrote my notes proper reaction to talk about angels. I'm gonna show people my I'm gonna just start saying that whenever anybody wants to talk to me about God or Jesus I'm gonna show everybody my bike and fuck the hell off Yeah, and that is the proper reaction cuz listen

I don't know about you guys, but when I was a kid there was always that one kid who wanted to talk about some weird shit You'd be like hey Jim what's going on with you this week? You'd be like I'm an elf from Glathnor and you're like, oh, okay, goodbye. I'm going to show everybody my bike. I'll see you in high school when you get your own yearbook page because you kill yourself. What's not my, he killed himself. He killed himself. I didn't kill him. That's true. That's true. So, but of course in this movie, everyone hears the rumor that you can get wishes to come true by throwing rocks at this abandoned house.

And they tear it apart right like a Danish guy drew a cartoon of the comedy side. Why are they not like someone lives in there now and nothing is happening to the outside. Nothing's happening to the outside. And nobody in this town questions the, if you break a person's property, you get a wish thing. All the kids are like, I got a thing. I'm glad she wasn't like every time you murder an animal you get a wish because there can be dogs and cats played on the streets. It's like the fucking short story, the lottery, but with children. That's way more religiously accurate. Yeah, actually, actually that old testament backs you up on that one. They couldn't find any right tabernet rams.

Found this fatted calf. I'd like to wish please. Right. And to be fair, the bully, Joey pulls the James Randy. He's like, hey, I tested your wish theory. I wished for a million dollars. I didn't get it. Yeah, a little did he know that a black lady was judging his wishes Stupid Joey That is so funny. I left out loud. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, your wishing house is bullshit. My dad beat me with the wrench again Obviously, this isn't working. You know what you get a Joey's house for spilling paint in the garage So so we come back to the house mom sees a bunch of kids and these are like teenagers like 17 18 year old kids throwing rocks at the wishing house. Yeah, these are 45 year old people eventually Yes, eventually we have grown god damn adults going to the wishing house to fucking make wishes

It's ridiculous and there's still that many windows Just Delerie's inside with several places Keep breaking these windows what do Delerie spend most of those months doing repairing windows for the in-line I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Yeah, but but so is a wish for a bike and so is wish for a dog. How did that happen and mom once again is like? Yeah, that's not really a need of explanation. Yeah, people want presents and get them, you know grandma comes for Christmas That's not a completely weird thing But one of several montages by the way, right there's tons of like Oh, yeah tons of man. We need to get an hour and 38 minutes Exactly and then mom lies about what angels are which to mom's credit is like, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude trying to fuck me. You give them your daughters, because we're gonna turn everybody into salt and fire and shit.

Yeah, the ages are henchmen. Oh yeah. But in the daughters' defense, though, at this point, it's work, wishes are coming true. She, I mean, she goes, yeah, I admit it. The house is granting wishes, and I told some people about the magical house. I'm 10 10 and it works

I mean I'm gonna get you some dick mom just watch this thing's amazing wait until you see how awful this house is yeah so now she decides okay so the again she sees the weird glow and she decides to check out the abandoned house now the real end of this story is that the little girl gets gang raped by meth heads and then sold into slavery because she's walking into a band and fucking house in the middle of the night because she saw weird light in it. Yeah, exactly. I was so expecting her to walk in on three pot heads with a black light. Right, staring at a Garcia poster and being like, oh, whoa, do you like live here? Yeah. No, this is an abandoned house. You want to try crack?

Already there, brother man. Already there. You want to fuck my mom? I'm good. She's needing some dick. And then also Delarice now shows up. This is the first time we've seen her in the movie. She shows up to run the little girl off. But not before she asks Stella if she's an angel. Oh, child. What are you doing? Which again is very upsetting asks Stella if she's an angel. Oh, Chad, what are you doing here? Which again, is very upsetting because Delarice was an angel and touched by an angel. So when Delarice is like, no, I'm not an angel. And she's in a white robe. Yeah, it's this very weird wink to like, but I was an angel.

I remember that TV show, but there was some legal troubles. So no, I'm not technically an angel you could call me angelic and I'm touching you I'll remember that I get those residual checks still yeah every time the CMT turns on at midnight you can't say that you know you can't say that you can't say that. You know, you can't say that. You two pictures of me were all asleep. Della, you kids are hanging out. You can't, Della.

You can't help me. You're not a real cop. So now we cut to, I guess, Kevin Sorbo owns this old abandoned house, and he's sick and tired of people throwing rocks at it So we cut to him like putting up a tape like a police line do not cross crime scene tape and I was just right in my nose Oh, he's making it look like a crime scene. That's nice when the mom character shows up and says what the fuck are you doing Make it look like a crime scene over here, and I'm like oh, okay. They already took care of that for me never mind If you're gonna fucking cut into my notes

You see the kind of Sorbo looks like you got trapped in a tanning booth for 40 years. I'm like, oh, okay, they already took care of that for me. If you're gonna fucking cut into my notes, if you see the kind of storybo, looks like you got trapped in a tanning booth for 40 years, I'm fucking quitting. You can't just get met on me movie, I make fun of you, not the only one around. The movie starts to do jokes about my physical appearance. Yeah. Right. If there were a guy named Eli Bosnick, he'd be going bald. All right, that's enough of this, Paul.

By the way, I thought the mom was being a little demanding. When she walks over, he's taping up the house. She was being kind of, I mean, she's mad at Kevin Sorbo because he's not cleaning up after her daughter's street gang and their family's history. I mean, maybe dial down the tone a little like just seem I agree that's not her property like if a neighbor came up to you and started talking shit about your house right that you that your daughter want to fuck her I guess or she's she goes well they're excited about

Christmas and it's like no being excited about Christmas is not an excuse to break windows now and just walk around a crime scenes and there's like a bloody rape slash murder and she's like well you know people are excited about christmas but bomb well i also love this little exchange she goes um she says to Kevin sorbos she's like well you know kids and he goes i don't have kids like well but you're aware there's an invention called kids and on that invention they show shows right?

Oh are those the little humans? Those are the little humans not fully grown humans right? With the human still with impeccable skin. We also learn by the way that Sorbo is a doctor in this. He introduces himself as doctor Nathan Nathan, something or another. But he also wants her to know that he doesn't care about the doctor thing. It's just his thing to use it.

Just call me. He ad libbed that. He was like, but being a doctor doesn't matter. What matters is being a Christian. Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Cut. Kevin, just say the lines, Kevin.

Yeah. I'm Dr. Saved. Yeah, someone takes the hand off me. Yeah. So now we cut to, mom's got this great idea that she's going to, in order to try to help him out so that the kids aren't breaking the windows anymore, she's going to paint up a little box where they can put their Christmas wishes on the box and then she's going to hang that on.

So anyway, so we get her and the daughter and Lucas all painting this together and they're having a conversation about sorbos. She's like, oh, you finally met the crotchety old guy who owns that and she's like, yeah, way more fuckable than I expected. Not the best strategy for making a painted box. They're all doing it. I mean, probably just build the box and then paint it. You wouldn't take six pieces and then paint them on and put them wet and seem seem done reasonable to me I'm sorry. I don't understand what I usually do is I dunk several pieces of wood into large Bathubs of paint and then I use the paint as it dries to hold the box together. Yeah No, I mean I just still stick to throwing rocks at yeah no i mean i just still stick to throwing rocks at the box at the box i want to be a

i would love to see if somebody just dropped the wish in the little box and then thrown a rock at a window that would be yeah i'm sorry i'm i just i had to poop and i hope someone was in the bathroom well it is christmas and also we get a a a little glimpse into the dark, dark recesses of Lucas's soul in this scene because they say, oh, does he have any kids? And he says, like, well, he said he didn't have kids.

And Lucas goes, well, maybe they're all dead. Yeah. What the fuck? Was that in the script or is that just what this kid says? Oh, there's no question that they didn't give this kid a pill on time. And he was like, maybe they're all dead Maybe he cut off their faces and wore them so he knew what it was like to see through their eyes, you know Just to feel the innocence of a child again. All right

God I'm just saying get your hands up and you're not real tough That's enough for the day guys, we can close the gate. So now we go back to the oral reports at school and now it's Olivia's turn to give her oral report and of course she just wishes for some dick for her mom. Right. And she has all these moments of like, comedy, quote unquote where she's like, she's not impossible to marry off and it's like

And then she wishes and this is just a fantastic moment she goes I don't know I just want someone who's good to her so she could finish so she can't see her dream of hospitality management going to school for hospitality management is her is her dream her dream is a degree you can get at Phoenix. She is a white blonde woman. Her dream is to be a homemaker. That's right. Yes. That's just a fancy word for hospitality. Exactly. But also like we talked about how many weeks, months, We talked about how many weeks, months, nay, years they might have had to work on these impossible Christmas wishes. Lists, she's repeatedly told to like go work on it, go work on it, and it is literally

four seasons long. Yeah, what, how long did it take her to write those sentences? Yeah. Yeah. Her first draft was the sun also rises. Yeah. My mom needs dick. No, two up front.

Two up front. Two more. I'm a sound and desperate. I sound desperate. Hold on a little. You can do this. Yeah, Sorval never fuck me at this rate. But she ends up slaying it.

Who's the end upset? She did. She did a tight open mic set. Yeah. But the white single mom's been neglecting like this. Oh, they loved it. I now have an image in my mind of Olivia fucking a stool I'm glad I'm not the only one It's her and three friends the stores upside down. I'm not the only one.

I feel good now. The carousel. That's what we call it. Rollin' on. So now we go back to the old house, and it looks like a mom and daughter and her bosses, and I'll have all pitched in to pretty up the house a little and try some Christmas bows on it,

so nobody'll throw rocks on it. Sore bow shows up. Now keep in mind, this is just a guy and try some Christmas bows on it so nobody will throw rocks on it. So our boat shows up now keep in mind this is just a guy who owns some old abandoned property he shows up and there's a bunch of strangers decorating it for Christmas that's fucking weird. That is weird and he responds appropriately. Yeah. Like thank you this is lovely um but this is my house. So don't do this. Yeah. Why did you put a box out front where people can make wishes? I'm a doctor and they're like, you're a little bit of a grump, aren't you?

And he's like, no, I'm a little bit of a person who didn't invite this contact. Yeah. Well, and then, just to make it extra creepy, her boss walks up to him and says, I see you eating at the deli in town. I also noticed that you use a scrunchie when you're in the shower You used a body wash instead of the bar soap and I like that like that some creepy shit

Well, it's also like we don't see single men walking around these parts Notice you have a squatty potty my friend. How's that work? Is that a thing? It's like everybody's on the lookout to get this woman bound Yeah Absolutely and he has no idea But so they invite him to dinner and he doesn't want to go so they basically drag him against as well I think he's kidnapped into this fucking scene and so the first thing we see is a A cut of him and the black guy not having anything to talk about

And they're not drinking and they're not drinking Christian. They're just sitting there being like yeah So and then they drink at the same time and they laugh about it like what are we a bunch of packets? So like do all of your lives matter like I'm trying to figure this out We just at sex I suppose We're just at the same time they go so we've just had sex I suppose You guys Guys host a lot of Maseginated dinner parties. This is great. This is great Yeah, we would just call it a dinner party, but yeah

We do why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table? Do we eat first and you guys get the scraps? How does this work? Like he omnis and by the way, of course while while they're doing that, the women are in the kitchen making the food, because they're women. So yes, so Sorbos isn't comfortable around the blacks. Daphne is going to buy her a manhore for the holidays. Right, they have a moment where they pray, which is fantastic.

He goes, we pray before we eat. And okay, if you've ever wondered, what's it like when Eli's at a table where he doesn't expect grace you can watch Kevin Sorbo's face in this scene it's lost terror where everyone bows their head and I'm just like oh fuck uh happy birthday to you I think prayers take about the same length as happy birthday happy birthday to you yeah which is so weird cuz you know he's mr. Christian guy. He's mr. Chris So he has to like really play it up right he's later Christian in the movie so I don't know why he doesn't know how to say

Grace I know he just has autism yeah Yeah, right right yeah, I don't know how to be around people don't vaccinate your kids people So the little daughter though after they say grace decides to give him the third degree Because this desperate is she is for somebody to fuck her mom. She don't want it to be Kevin Sorbo Yeah, she doesn't want her mom getting sloppy seconds So she's like so would you pass the potatoes and also are you fucking my teacher? Yeah, you hooked up on some slotted school What are you doing here now? Yeah, but the teacher is a sister because that's the only appropriate reason to have a relationship with a woman that you're not having sex with is the only reason I only time I ever hug a woman is what I'm about to have sex at her.

Oh, yeah, that's the only time I allow hugs. Oh, guys, you can't see it because this is an audio medium, but Rebecca is in a full Berkha right now I also love this moment where basically Sorbo basically just gets the fuck out of there Yeah, because it seems Texas changed so a massacre like the most same thing anyone does in this entire movie Is him getting the fuck out of this house because they're all like yeah, you know like Yeah, nobody seems to want to fuck this blonde girl We tried to sell her off like a Russian bride that didn't work meanwhile the little girl's gone What are your intentions towards my mom and the fucking black guy is going stop eating her Jesus will be angry

We must thank him first and he's like you know what I got a call. I have a patient Emerging I got a lot of this is across the being, you need to do the alphabet with your tongue. The alphabet with your tongue. What? Why do you think I got this white girl on a leash? Looks like it's time to, for me to doctor. Oh, so many people need doctoring doctor. To see emergency, ear, nose, and throat.

Sorry. A patient, he has ass burgers. It's me. I'm the patient. Hi. Hi. They all do So now they check the the wishing box next door the little kids do and holy shit. It's empty that must mean magic Magic yeah, so instead of people going oh wait. I thought it was a rock-toying thing. No, that was fun Oh wait, I thought it was a rock-toying thing. Uh, and that was fun. Right. Right. But we're gonna learn that it's far, far creepier even than that.

Yep. Oh yes. Oh yes. And as a matter of fact, we get a hint of that because inside the house we can hear Delarie's singing the about and just ceremony, murder, a goat for Satan's song or whatever. Right. Exactly. And this is part of me.

That, y'all, is a musical comedian right there right there this is part of me getting bummed out in this movie is the first time I heard Delarie's voice I was like oh she lost her voice yeah because if you listen to her sing before and then you listen to what happens out of her face in this movie out of her face in this movie. I want you to have like some weights at a certain point. Someone had a stroke but had to communicate that they were having that stroke through a song.

Yeah. A smirked toast. A last breath. A phrase of the music. I love it. Oh, shit. So, now, okay. Now, this is up until now. So, for the music of the music of it. Oh, shit.

So now, okay, now this is up until now, Kevin Sorbo's character has just seemed like kind of a normal guy being put in abnormal circumstances. Now he goes like full ass burgers here because we now cut to her at work and he is outside pacing back and forth and peeking in their windows like he doesn't know how doors work. Like, yeah. And this is very clearly because the people who wrote this movie and of course Kevin Sorbo have seen the beginning of a romantic comedy and then turned it off when the sex happened. So they were like, right, because the guy who he's paces outside and he gets himself psyched up to talk to the girl. But what they forgot is the part where the guy comes inside and asks the girl out so they have the most awkward

Like meat cute you can possibly imagine he comes in and he's like so your skin has face I could wear it. Oh Could you maybe tonight? Friday. I'll fuck you. No, I won't Yes, you will yes you will okay well we can decide want to have dinner at 4.30 it's like a birthday it's so early if I'm out past 7 pm I make a poop smell bring that caution tape. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. being a fucking cock block. Yeah, totally. And she. Yeah. She's like, you know, I'll put on flats, so I don't look like I'm trying too hard. And then they find a glee, like mom. She's so rude, her mom. Like, really mom, you're gonna wear that. Why don't you just give it away?

Why don't you just ask for the date in the bedroom? Really mom. Your vagina smells. I can smell it from down here, because it's a little bit shorter than you, and I just want you to know that. He's gonna throw up if he goes down on you. And then we talk about the bully,

and we learn that the bully is a bully, because he's got an abusive alcoholic dad. And listen, I wanna take a stand here. I was a bully. I like to think I still am a bully. I'm very proud of that. I had a lovely Family I come from a lovely I'm just a bad person Out of being a bully. Yeah, I caused a kid to kill himself in high school. It's a long story We don't have to talk about that. It's a big thing

He went to the Navy instead. It's fine. He's okay. Okay I just want to take a stand for bullies everywhere not everyone comes from an abusive Pam So he went to the Navy instead. It's fine. He's okay. Okay. Okay. I Just want to take a stand for bullies everywhere. Not everyone comes from an abusive family Sometimes you roll the dice and you just end up a shitty person. Right. That's okay So so it's it was entirely your responsibility. It's on me. I'm it's on me. Got it. That's what I'm saying That's no, it's it's God's fault and And that's what we learn in this scene. When she's raised for the bully dad, or the bully's dad to stop drinking and get a job, and she actually says, and maybe we'll even see them at church sometime.

Right. So that's where bullies come from. Bullies come from alcoholic atheist dads. Which again, there has been so little Christianity in this movie so far that when that happened, I was like Yeah The genre I'm not getting any tweets. I wrote like 30 minutes in still no angel. Yeah, right?

Yeah, so then we cut to school and the kids are all just playing on the playground because their teacher has not come to school Yeah, apparently that's how it works in this world has not come to school. Yeah, apparently that's how it works in this world. Right. And this guy shows up, this young handsome guy, which this little girl will spend the rest of the movie. I fucking as hard as constantly. Yes. I can. And he always is running up to stuff. A sweaty at every moment. Yeah, exactly. I'm your teacher. This teacher acts like a gym teacher, but he is not a gym teacher. My balls are hanging out in my shorts.

Sorry about that. I just did 100 burpees right outside the door. Exactly. The guy has a fucking whistle hanging off of his neck. It doesn't just look like a gym teacher. He thought he was playing gym teacher and has no idea until the movie came. I was just supposed to be a geography teacher. I was just a third grade teacher.

Why did everyone let me wear that whistle? I looked like a third grade. We homeschool our kids so they don't find out about evolution. We have no idea what school is. We assume every day is a presentation about your impossible wishes. And then your gym teacher comes in and teaches you math. Totally.

And he'll let me or substitute teacher and they all go, yeah, yeah, like no kids have ever said. Yeah. And yeah, this was a sexually charged moment. Like you were saying, I mean, normally be a weird moment between a grown man and a 10 year old girl, but this actress pulls it off. She's that. I'm telling you. Don't stand so. Check her out. My mom watches college football too, wink. Yeah. So then we go back to her actually getting ready for the date thing where the daughter

is clearly trying to explain to the mom. No, no, no, no. Put the brakes on, so I found way better dick for you. She's definitely talking up the gym teacher. She's like, oh my gosh. And then Mr. Brendan sat down and I could see the outline of his penis. And mom, it was like a monster camp. It was like a fucking monster camp.

Definitely the same size as the dolphin in your drawer. You're not. You're not. Yeah, well, he's not. In here. In here. Get in here this year lady i feel like i should send you to a doctor oh and speaking of doctors of course

this is where we have to get the kevin sorbos stanzor up and and and and doesn't show up for the date scene yeah kevin sorbos stanzor up and she uh can open a jar right because she's a woman because single women now that whole message of this movie a single women are incomplete partial things but they really drive at home when they point out that they would starve to death Because they can't open jar Peanut butter's fine by itself This is what happens to single mothers. I actually wanted to test this theory.

Rebecca, are you married? No. Okay, now again, audio medium, so this is gonna be a little bit difficult to communicate. I have a jar here. Rebecca, please attempt to open it. Okay, so how do I hold the jar? Okay, excellent, great.

So you're gonna put your hands here. Okay. Excellent, and you're not twisted. You say boobs, put your boobs. No, no, okay. She currently has the jar between her boobs. No, no, no, it's gonna work, which is very impressive. Well, I'm impressed. I'm impressed. Strong. And can you open it with your breasts? Um, I mean, open meaning only only from the Patreon for the Patreon. This open mean I want to marry you.

It's that. Guys, Rebecca, thanks for getting married. This is very upsetting. I just met his fiancee. Oh, yeah, no, but oh my god. This was, yeah, this was just a painfully, Jesus fucking Christ. Why were so many women willing to be involved

in this movie kind of a moment? I can't believe you would even participate in that scene this woman. You go to the director and be like, oh, can we rewrite this so that it's for people? Yeah, exactly. Can I just open the jar and make sandwiches because I play a mortgage in our own business? Well, in fact, we actually took all the lines from this scene from an MRA

for men. This was right off of a message board on a voice for men. So she has her breakdown. I don't need jelly because I have batteries down at moment. And then, so now we've got to go back to Delaurie. So the little girl, okay, so the little girl has seen the doctor wanted around here. He owns the house. So she gets the idea that Delaurie must know where the doctor is.

So she goes to this old woman's abandoned house in the middle of the night and knocks and keeps going like, she's going like, I'm not going to leave because I know you're here and I'm going to, and then Delarice shows up at the door with a shotgun, but not because this movie sucks. That would have been fucking awesome. I stand my ground, you little white cracker bitch, not again. I was around in the 50s Pakum. She had a rock officer. She had a rock. So she goes into the house and it gets explained to her. We've hinted this already, but it gets explained to her that these that Delarisa is not an angel. Delarisa has just been reading

those messages or hearing those wishes I guess when people shout them at the house and then buying people shit on Amazon Now let's look at the way I use that damn critical Oh, we can talk about that in a sec, but let's just focus on the reality She buys a little girl a puppy. She buys a stranger bicycle and she buys a girl's grandmother and her nurse plane tickets. That's fucking terrifying. If my child wanted something and then a stranger bought it for her and just sent it to

the house, I'd be like, what the fuck is that? Who is that? But everyone in this town's just like, yay, wishing house. So Elsie is Delarie's character's name and Olivia offers to be Elsie's wish bitch If she needs anybody to go, you know figure out just somebody deserves a wish should they be on the naughty or nice list or whatever Ladies got her back. This was like this was like her Morgan Freeman moment in Shawshake I've been known to locate certain things Not a lot of people know this but this movie is the prequel to Jessica Jones

David Tennant rape She's so worth it. So worth it. Wishes. Oh, we're not there yet. Oh, come on. Oh, yeah, you got it. Oh, yeah, you got it.

Believe me, I can't win. I'm so excited about all of this. I also can't win either. I step on the gas. I'm a woman. What am I going to do? I can't open a fucking jar. I can't open a jar.

I can't open a jar. Yeah. So then he's telling Lucas that she met her But she doesn't tell her that she's granting the wishes and they look her up and they have Googled her and they're like Hmm, let's look her up and they're like look This woman's name is LC whatever and I'm like no man. That's Delerie. Yeah They just took the Wikipedia page for Delaris and like took a white piece of paper with blue writing And put a different name and glued it to the computer screen and they were like yeah

Says this gospel singer was untouched by an angel fuck never mind They're gonna sue us again. Well, they they have one moment where she goes He goes well, why would you be hiding here? And she goes? I don't know maybe she wanted to be out of the spotlight. And I'm like, yeah, the spotlight of a retired Janissinger. I walked Delarice up and down in front of Carnegie Hall. And everyone would be like, she's homeless, right? Yeah, she's homeless.

Yeah. Especially if you got her the reporter scene, holy shit. So now we get to seeing that we've all been waiting for. Where she shows up to help Miss Elsie sort the wishes. Yes, Miss Elsie is going out in the middle of the night getting these wishes out of the box and then bringing them home and organizing them. Because apparently she's a fucking vampire. And Miss Elsie is always in a night down in a robe and no bra. Always. Yeah, right. right basically dressed like a like a

pale who happened he's always in pajamas and no bra yeah her tits are resting on her stomach the entire film they're just very gently but she is organized the wishes into three baskets three baskets possible uh-huh God uh-huh stupid God possible stupid the Eli Bosnik stuff. Yeah Well done sir and so so the little girl's going stupid those wishes I know he's wishes a stupid and then she reads them like I wish I was big enough to beat up someone so she's like that's stupid That's stupid. That's a stupid wish that person made that child stupid I want you to punish them. Yeah, here's some prosik as you spray it in the face gonna look like it look like a heart attack Do he play football or something?

Get him right after an athletic activity. I don't know miss Elsie caught those aren't her line Can we give her just enough of a shock so she can finish the scene? And this is, this movie takes such a dark turn here too, because she then starts looking through the God wishes. And one of them, of course, she's like, I wish my dad would get sober. And she even turns to Delaree and goes, I know who that is. Yeah, because it's just the one drunken town. And then she reads this dear God, please kill me. Yes, I'm so holy and I miss my wife so much. A man's a

full grown man. A grown man. Putting a wish in the wishing box. Throw down and I'm supposed to die. Fold it up and put it in the box. I mean, and that's what both characters look at each other and they go, you just want to talk about presence? Yeah, let's just talk about it. We're gonna deal with that shit. Yeah, and the galleries, the message she's sending is only God can kill someone, pause, pause.

Like, at this point I'm thinking Olivia is gonna, you know, go euthanize a suicidal man And this is gonna be a really really interesting movie. Yeah, where's that movie right no shit It's where Olivia Waiting to happen. Yeah Um, oh, and then of course Olivia finds her own wish that her mom would find some dick in the god pile And she gets all pissed and I want to tell us so bad to go like honey I had it in the stupid top pile and tell her remember you was coming. You're old ass barren mother.

That's a tough one. Oh, no, right. Only God can get your mom a mayor. I'm gonna give you three words, child match dot com. You're not gonna go to no. Just tell it to keep swiping right. Right. So you know that we've satisfied our voyeuristic wish fetish.

I suppose we can pause for a quick break, but not before I give act 3 the hard sell. Will we learn the Delarisa's character was a ghost the whole time? Will we finally find out what Kevin Sorbo's character is hiding? Will anybody fuck anybody? No, because that's the kind of shit that happens in good movies, but stick around anyway. Oh, Miss Elsa, this has been so much fun,ining wishes. It sure has child. What are these baskets? Well these here are the stupid wishes. Weird that you would judge people's wishes like that. What? Go on. This is the God basket where I put all the miracles. Okay. And this here is the basket of stuff we can do. But what's that last basket? That...that's the sex basket child. No, don't, don't, don't.

I just want to read one. Oh dear, you should not be reading that. Oh, Miss Stella? Yes, child. What's the puzzle in a thunderstorm? And apparently nobody uttered their safe word during the break, so we're back for more of this shit. And we're going to rejoin our hero as she walks somewhere with Lucas for the 800th walking

somewhere with Lucas scene. And then there's this moment where basically Lucas says, like, isn't it weird that you're reading everybody's wishes? And I'm like, yes, that is weird. Very fucking weird. And what I'm thinking at that point is that Lucas is in the back of a set's end. Oh and if you read one about maybe somebody wishing to put stuff in your butthole just ignore all of that. Yeah, trust me that I meant it in a good way or he meant it in a good way when he wished it.

Let me explain what I meant by shit slave because I thought that was a secret box and now now I feel silly. Oh, and of course, then they see Kevin Sorbo again. And they hide from him. Yeah, I wrote my notes hiding from Kevin Sorbo, the Eli Bosnick story. Now, of course, this is the first time they've seen him since he stood mom up.

So he notices them, they, because they hide poorly. So daughter gives him mad crazy shit. Yeah. And honestly, she burns them pretty good. She's like, what are you doing? He's like, oh, you know, I told my sister, I dropped these off. She's like, oh, it's so nice that you can keep your promises to others. And he's just like, oh, damn. Damn. like oh damn oh my god my drop we out there's a cutscene where they have a rap battle yeah

so they go to school so are bird uh where their gym teacher slash regular teacher is still wearing a whistle still sweaty uh in order to ease she's like how do i connect him and my dad and then the bully comes oh Mom, sorry, that's my I wrote some slash Guys it's on literaltica.com forward slash ebazie. Yeah, I got a really hot dead father So then the bully comes over and he's like oh, we've got what's going on Luke?

I don't know what he calls him. He doesn't call him anything worthy of what happens. Hey black kid at which point she's like let it begin and then she Stuff the the bullying and my notes. It's just full of violence suggestions. It's like Olivia go for his eyes Yes, Olivia break his pink into the side She's kind of just like wiping stuff off of them. Oh my god, it was so bad. Yeah. I was, now look, I mean, I know it's a 10 year old girl. Yeah.

I don't expect her to know ground and pound or anything. Guys, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard Noah say that. But when you meet someone online and they say something but we have a single mom become a really bad underground cage fighter but oh my god yeah no it was so hilarious watch it was almost worth this home movie just to watch this little girl not know how to hit this kid and the kid is sitting there acting like that was the toughest acting job the bully kid had he's like okay I'm supposed to pretend like she's hitting me and this is unpleasant. Oh right

But he's the age that there's a girl straddling him like yeah, right like can we take that again? I don't think I don't think I sold it My mind I felt my mic move inside my shirt. We should do that again But you should like she should just like roll around and I don't yeah She should just like roll around on it. Yeah, that's my mic pack. Yeah, that's my Now I gotta say I honestly thought that was a fairly like as far as this movie goes That was the most clever moment right they're saying like gee How can I get the teacher and my mom together? She beats up the bully and then they cut to her with the teacher saying I guess you're gonna have to call my mom now. She'll have to show up all sweaty at half naked or something.

Right. And again, very sexual. She's like, you gonna punish me, Mr. teacher man? Maybe punish my mom for me. And I was like, Jesus, 50 shades of Christmas angel. This was an excellent seat. As far as I could tell, Olivia was unscripted for this whole scene. I mean, she's a pro.

Yeah, absolutely, pro. And she's just like, so, yeah, I guess I'm in big trouble. This is kind of off topic, but you were talking about college football earlier. Would you call yourself a generous lover? Oh, no, no, no, it's stupid. I don't know why that. All right, I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna leave.

Why? I know this seems random, but can you bring your nose for 60 seconds forming to three? Three through nothing but your nose for 60 seconds Say lolly lolly lolly lolly pops 99 times But of course her plan backfire Yeah, right, right exactly. I was just writing these all down Yeah, the alphabet on the chalkboard Yeah, right, right, exactly. I was just writing these all down.

So, yeah, I was one of the alphabet on the chalkboard, which I know really. Not really. But her plan backfire, she doesn't call mom. He decides to keep it between them. But she does offer him some pudding or something at the end, which was kind of disturbing. Right, she's like, oh, well, you should,

she's like, you're gonna fuck my mom? And he's like, no, I'm not gonna fuck your mom. Also, I'm not gonna call her that you assaulted another student, which is weird. Yeah, that's weird. No, I'm not gonna do anything. I'm a gym teacher and she's like well You should at least come by and have some fucking gingerbread He's like all right. I guess so why can am I in trouble? Yeah, you're in trouble. I'm not

Bowing in my mom So then she we get outside the house and put apparently Luke is just pissed off because he made her look like a pansy Because now it looks like a girl needs to fight his fights for him. So, uh, yeah, Massage-N-E from a 10-year-old boy, Christian Movie Bingo Check. You can't even open jars! PISS! Lucas will you open this jar for me as soon as I'm done fucking it, cunt! It's not a brilliant place.

Back away from Lucas, goddamn! I can somebody wipe Olivia up. What? What? What? What? What? Alright so now we go to our wish-granting montage where she's out helping people get their

wishes. Now I just want to point out one of the wishes says, need money any job will do and then they cut to this girl who's getting a job I guess at the bakery their mom works at yeah, who is Smoking fucking hot and I'm thinking okay any job will do smoke and hot chick They made it too easy. I'm not even taking it exactly. We're not going there They were like hey guys if you heard god awful movies. Let's make the girl who asks for any job any job at all We'll do that. Let's see what they say about it. Yeah Kevin Sorbos listening to this episode and he's like We'll do that. Let's see what they say about it. Yeah Kevin Sorbos listening to this episode and he's like

But no, we're instead gonna make jokes about her turning into Ace Ventura all of a sudden And then we get of course Joey's dad. Yes, it's the most stereotypical movie drunk I wanted to say though I want to give this movie some credit. The most stereotypical character in this movie was white. That's a new one. I haven't seen that in a Christian movie yet, but holy fucking shit. This guy could not be. I was expecting his car to just be up on blocks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bobby Thomas with like three X's all the time there. Wearing cobbles, check. Third, yeah, exactly.

He stains on the face, check. Also, what a terrible and dangerous message for children to walk up to. Right. Right. It's alcoholic and be like, excuse me, sir, can I get within arms reach and tell you that I know things about you?

Yeah. I know you hit children but I'm assuming you probably won't hit other people. Yeah. And I come from a fan like my mom was not abusive but she was like she pointed that laugh not so one-dotted abusive at all. I'm going through my own punchlines. I'm at, uh, uh, no, but my, but like if my mom found out that I like was talking her business, like I would be in so much trouble. And that guy is an alcoholic, like doesn't give a fuck guy. And he finds out that this other kid knows he does a jobless drunk and very clearly indicates he's going to be He's the kid. Yes for which there is no

Daniel that no end of those characters. That's the last we see of these cow drives off into the sunset. He's like you think you're better than me and they dry that's it That's that move that move that could get dying. Yeah better than me and they drive that's it that's it that in town will hire you but you know you'll have to clean up your disgusting face and stop drinking you're an adult and I'm 10 I just have some important information for you okay bye are you single open your mouth Oh, Open your mouth really wide Can you touch your chin with your tongue there? So now we get we have to cut to Kevin Sorba showing up at the house to apologize for standing mom up like five days later or whatever

But first he stops and puts a wish in the wish box again Grown ups now y'all keep in mind. He owns this house. He knows Delerie's lives in it He knows she's going to read the goddamn wishes grown adult put the wish in the fucking wish box and I wrote Kevin's wishes. Please get me out of Christian movies I wrote human skin So I was sure he was gonna be the police god help me guy That was I know you got my first letter The props guy you should use this one they were like Kevin you don't do that just use it

Just want someone to say the words out loud don't you dare let her put it in the Not a lot of people know this but Kevin Sorber writes 90% of post-secret. Now, I also want to point out too that we find out later the wish that he was putting in the wish jar. His niece needs a kidney. All right, so he was putting a request for a human organ in the wish box, which means that he's praying God is going to kill somebody with a good kidney. Please God. That's the way that we're drunk tonight. Right. Totally.

But not that drunk because we want that kidney to be in pretty good shape. Right. You know, like it's his first time. No, no, no, it's his son who happens to be in the past. Yes. It all comes full circle. So he shows up and he's like, oh, yeah I wanted to come to the date. Oh, did you not get my message blah blah blah?

And then he shows interest in LSU football. He says hey, what did you think of that game of football where they had the Thing and I wanted so badly for him to be like what did you think of the game? She's like what do I think of the game that She's like, what did I think of the game? That rep could suck a dick in a basket. That's what I need. Those old fuckers can cut my- And now we cut to the most bummer scene in the movie for me when you're aware of this movie, which is the, where do you get your money,

Delarice, not Delarice? Yeah. You have a whole pretend scene where they talk about pretend Delarice. Where it's like I hear you used to be a famous singer. Yup, I used to be a famous singer. What happened? Now I do these stupid fucking movies. I do Christian fucking movies. That's not fucking shit.

See, I got attacked by a bitch. I said I'll be King's face. Have you ever done that? I love that she says too like she's like you were a famous singer and Delarie looks at her like how do you know that she says I googled you. You should have a very nice labia by the way in your youth. It turns out. Oh and of course we're also cutting back and forth now to Sorbo and the mom chatting and apparently Sorbo is trying to get her wet talking about sinus infections and shit about having a boring job.

And they're totally irrational laughing like nothing funny. It's like, oh, well the other day this patient came in and he was like, Doc, I think I might have a cold. You were just funny before. Let's start listing diseases. Ready, go, plague, inferior. Oh my god, we're tickling each other sin And then he she has to like challenge his job like ear nose and throat people have those

She has never heard of his job and she mocks it. She's like, oh look at me. I'm a doctor Yeah, do you need something done for your ears, nose, and throat? Put on your eyes, ears, and toes. Yeah. Knees and toes, knees and toes. And he's like, no, that's a real thing. And she's like, I'm a mob. Yes. But I mean, that is also a very common projection of women, like being the like, I don't know, cross-armed, like everything you do, I don't know cross armed like everything you do I question it a little bit suspicious. Yeah, yeah, and you're like she did it with the tape and his house and decorating his house

and now with his job she's like okay Just what they're all you little gipsy jelly can Yeah, do you take this man to be your lovely? I don't know We're in a tank if you say so So then they're taking a tour of the creepy old boarded up house Delaries and little girl and I was convinced Delaries was gonna fuck this little girl. Yeah, again. This little girl wants to get it wet this little girl. Yeah, again, this little girl wants to get it wet. Get it? Just get it.

Get it. No matter if it's old black woman, it does not matter. Also, we learn here that Miss LC is a broken, horrible bitch that used to beat her daughter and ran off three husbands. Right. And she goes, she goes, what are these? And she opens up a book of photos that are very clearly just photos of Delarice again, again, very tragic because they're like like, oh those are my old records.

Why do they sell it to say Delarice on them? Shut up. You shut your little white mouth, you little... Oh speaking of white, she also asks now why does she always wear white? Right. And I'm so wondering to say it goes with my hood. It's a long story, but that's how I drove off all of them husbands Olivia also asks her are you dying? Yeah, you look old. Yeah, you're taking people up and down like guess who I got on your on your way out And Hillary says no, but we're going to find out spoiler alert. Yes, she fucking It's absolutely dying She says to a little kid. We're all dying. Yeah, right, right, you're dying to a kid. Yeah.

Sorry. She's supposed to say, but I'm dying faster, but she goes, no, not any faster than anybody else. And I'm like, hey, if you have throat cancer, you are dying significantly faster than other people. You're on the express, yeah. I don't know, Leigh LeGurl, you might have cancer too. It's the number of these, you don't get checked,

you're often. So of course, she also has to ask the little girl, where's your father so that we can once again reinforce the single Mother should take what they can get motif this entire fucking movie has been reinforcing right and the little girl Responds in a way that makes me think that the like the father raped the mother and then killed himself in prison like that's how Her reaction Plants, she's like my mother me, I don't need a father and I never will. And it's like, ooh, weird.

Yeah. He has to introduce himself to his neighbors. And again, the secret atheist in the room, snuck in, and the writer's room snuck in here because she says something like, you know, Delries says something like, well, you got to pray to God for the things that you can't do on your own and

the little girl says well that sounds like an excuse to do nothing yes great response from the school being being the apologizing for bullshit delaries yeah this girl and and and uh... to which delirious peace responds i'll put that in a stupid basket you know mouthy bitch that why are you just climb into the stupid that i made room. So, and then so now we have to have the scene. So she she hands her this picture that I guess is a picture of her daughter when she

was a baby and she's like, oh there's this song I used to sing to her. She's like, oh sing the song. So she sings this song to the baby. I'm thinking of myself. Man, this scene is trying this little hard out in it. Well, this was the first heavy-handed Christian thing, I think, for me. Yeah, yeah, it was. It was. This movie was super light on this shit, but yeah, they got there here. And she cannot sing anymore, and it's such a bummer.

It's so disgusting. At the very end, you can hear, like, for just a second, she got it going for a second. You could just hear the thro'ing. It's a little lil' didn't it? Yeah, right. And then she caught the Pafrog. I wrote my notes. Next week we're watching a movie about a woman

who falls in love with a rapist and this is much much harder to watch. Yeah. Are you really watching that? Yes, we are. Holy shit. So she's I'll be back next week.

Weeping over a picture of her black baby. And then the girl turns around and she's weeping over a picture of her black baby. And then the girl turns around and she's like, so what are you going to do now? And she's like, I am crying. I am crying. Well, Olivia's devoid of any mother. And she turns to Olivia and she goes, nobody knows who I am anymore.

And I was like, fuck, Delerie said that thinking the cameras were off Delo we're all going home for the night you want to come with us. I know I backed up for who in the news I was Beato's albums not a people don't know that but I was on Beato's albums. Okay, we can't use any of this. You know, I can't use my residuals. I asked someone the other day to read me my name back on my ID when I was buying liquor and the hope they would remeccorize me. Remeccorized me. He's got the throat cancer going to drop the throat. He can't talk that easy. So, now we cut back to the bakery where, first of all, we have to have the moment between

Lucas and Olivia where Lucas is, she's been neglecting his ass too long and he wants to get all pissy about that. And we forgot Olivia was like, hey, you should do a benefit concert at the church. All right. For the money, for the kidney. Yeah. Yeah, so that the mom can live close to six times. Yeah, he says no, exactly.

Yeah. That's fine. I don't know. Oh, you. We'll just let the little girl die alone. It's no big deal. Yeah, right. And now, keep in mind, what she's saying here is she's like, nobody remembers me.

I can't sing anyone. I'm like, it doesn't matter if anybody remembers you. She's asking you to sing for a benefit for a dying child. Like you can set your ego aside for that, can't ya? If there are 10,000 of more people. Yeah, right, right. I was like, all right, I'll do that benefit.

But here's my writers. I'm laughing. I'm square, God. I'm laughing. I'm with ma'am's mother's mother. I'm talking green words. Talk to a pretty agent. Here's her mage and card. Good luck. Oh, and then we also have to wrap up the gym teacher plot line. So he comes in to get some gingerbread turns out he's engaged so he can't fuck mom

The judgmental whore from the beginning to for the cake or in the The beginning I don't know if we talked about this but at the beginning there's a woman just shoving cake in her mouth and being like beginning I don't know if we talked about this but at the beginning there's a woman just shoving cake in her mouth and being like okay just that yeah we talked about her about she was the woman that was like oh you're not married yeah the fuck's wrong with you so that's who that's who he's marrying yeah and I wrote my notes break them little girl destroy them all yeah and then the kid was like isn't he cool and she was like yes Positively engaging which is like don't you hate it when your daughter sets you up with someone who's engaged Y'all get it. Yeah, yeah, oh and then poor man's Josh Hartnett is sick of their bullshit Binye nonsense the reporter for earlier this guy

This is the terrible I cannot handle This is the worst part of the movie. Oh, it's the worst part of the movie because it's fucking insane It's insane. Right. Yeah, no human being on the planet would act like this. Yeah, I am the worst person I know who's not a murderer and I would not Right So the little girl comes up to the reporter and she's like, hey, you're gonna write about to be nice She's like I'm a fucking reporter, there's not a content to be. Yeah, we're in Louisiana, everybody's got bin yes, fuck off.

Which is reason, we're so far, reason, we're. So she's like, well, but you know, Delarice lives in the haunted neighbor house beside my place. So. And he's so mean about it. He's like, yeah, you got Delarice to sing at a fundraiser, fuck you little girl. This is how I talk to 10 year olds

Absolutely. Absolutely not gonna go to your stupid story thing and his response to that is to sneak into Delarice's house. Yeah, taking photos of the inside of her home Yeah, and when we say sneak in, this little girl is trying to physically push him out of the, and he's just walking over her, like a possessed serial rapist. Like he is like, like, He sees a room full of medical equipment. He takes photos of the medical equipment.

Yes, he's getting in my mouth. That all he's going on is 10 year old little girl said famous person lives in the abandoned house next to her. So this is the kind of lead he follows up and this is the extent to which he follows him. God, I wanted the methods to be in there this time. But no, they're not. Yeah. So he's they find this weird chair with this weird growing glowing light and he's taking pictures of it

I thought maybe she had a crazy torture room That's not pendulum. It's gonna be when I remake this motherfucker, but it's not yeah I also I in my head I was like you know it would make this movie amazing if when he gets into the house Delores is been dead and is like a skeleton and this little girl It then flashes back in the little girls just been talking and organizing the awesome just a corpse. Oh that would be so fucking awesome. This movie could have been really good apparently. Yeah it's dead run

by Eli. So now we got this we get the creepiest moment in the movie where the little girl runs in and she's trying to like get Delaries to wake up so that she can hide or something before the reporter comes in. It opens the open to the blinds. Yeah, yeah, opens the blinds like wake up wake up and she's like, oh shut that shit off and she looks so goddamn creepy. Now I understand that you know when you get to be a hundred and sixty not looking at your absolute best. She looks like black Benjamin Franklin.

Oh shit. That's cool. Oh shit. If you watch the movie along with us, I'm going to need to give you a minute. Holy shit, that's exactly it. We'll see that's the thing. That's why you don't just like wake 80 year olds about a bed and put them on camera Exactly the way you would if a reporter came in and was just like are you asleep in your bed picture?

Pretty sure all of this is illegal no freedom of the press. Yeah freedom of rest means I'm allowed to go inside all buildings always I'm a reporter and I'm entering your bedroom remain calm I'm a giant camera around my neck Obviously now also by the way as the little girl pushes her out the door and closes it The last thing that the reporter yells Is are you answering angel wishes Mrs. Way? Really that's the story that's the fucking question you've got for are you answering angel like

that doesn't even make sense as a god damn question you take it outside of this movie that is the most ridiculous fucking question you can possibly ask a human being yeah but the end of the scene is probably the artist I left in the whole movie oh it's ridiculous cell phone oh yes, remember that story you

wanted me to get. You come. Remember that new sound you were looking for? Well, I've had old black money screaming. You need to get out of her house. Oh, it's your cousin, David. David David David glass is this Philip You're looking for the final cries of a dying old jazz singer I've got it ready take this down get this into the early edition retired jazz singer dying in house We're looking for a pure Look at my Pulitzer express great without permission So all right, so now we we're gonna get sort of the explanation here so that Kevin Sorba's gonna come and and read Olivia the riot act and this is a super uncomfortable scene They reveal a bunch of shit here, but it's a super uncomfortable scene if you step back and think about the fact that this is just some

Manu barely know yelling at a 10 year old girl for shit that she could not possibly have known right so apparently for shit that she could not possibly have known right so uh... apparently uh... delirious has throat cancer and she's getting uh... photodynamic therapy which is the real thing actually to their credit actually did i i i'm not smart enough to know whether or not that was a real thing and i see enough christian movies to be like that something that i would make up if i were a mission movie i'd be like oh yeah no they're light activated cancer right jails I would make up if I were a Christian movie, I'd be like, oh yeah, no, they're light activated cancer. Right.

Jell's. Yeah. No, that actually is a real thing. And they got it right. Like you are super sensitive to light for like six weeks. So that's the reason she's staying in this darkened house and she's only coming out at night is because she's taken a type of medicine

that's activated by light that, you know, you take it and then you put the light exactly where you want to get the cancers It's a laser treatment and it like I said that is a real legit thing Which is pretty cool, you know, but that's crazy for a Christian movie to have a like Scientifically accurate explanation for what you thought was an angel Right right exactly especially since you know They also have to admit that God gave her the throat cancer here right yeah

The God gave you the throat cancer and that science is fixing it Yeah Throat cancer for being a fucking bitch to her husband's well, well, that's true Exactly what else is God gonna do But what I really loved about this is the attitude that sorbohaz because basically he's telling this little girl She has throat cancer if she dies now. It's all your fault She you should have known that she was on a cancer treatment that gave her gremlin weaknesses he's telling this little girl, she has throat cancer. If she dies now, it's all your fault. You should have known that she was on a cancer treatment

that gave her gremlin weaknesses. Come on. Right, yeah, exactly. Fuck your 10 years old, you should know this shit. I'm just a normal doctor who keeps a woman in my rundown basement shining lights on or doing cancer treatment. You should've seen this sort of thing coming.

Like folks do. And the moms like Madder, she's like, listen, there are gonna be consequences for you giving that woman special cancer you know cookies for a week and you don't get to watch your favorite TV shows and I will continue not to fuck anyone I know that drives you just for just for that I'm not even going to masturbate tonight come on mom So now we we get like okay, so all the crowd the reporters are crowding around the old house because that's all that's going on This fucking like she's got Julian Assange and Edward Snowden in there Yeah, I wanted all the reporters to start throwing rocks

reporters to start throwing rocks. I wish you were talking about a report on this shit. Also, this is when, okay, so mom sends the little girl to the room and mom and sorboh are walking to the door. Sorboh goes in for the kiss, mid-sentence on her in the most date rape-y autistic way possible. Oh, I thought that was a headbutt. I wrote that was a headbutt. Right.

Yeah, exactly. I meant that headbutt. I remember headbutt. Yeah, exactly. Bone I missed headbutt you I accidentally ended up on the list. Yeah, can I have servo kisses like he's used to holding people down while he kisses them. But also woman crying most vulnerable attack. It's like, oh, I figured that you were weak now. So I would try to know. Damn it. And then so so mom goes upstairs and the little girls like, you know, all upset because because Delabries doesn't like her anymore. And she's like, Lucas doesn't like me anymore. He's not speaking to me and mom's like, oh, he'll be back when your

tits show up. Don't worry about it. Lucas ran into frame and was like, they're there enough now. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum off god give him a god damn pill again and then of course we get an obligatory god reference here that they obviously penciled in when pierflex option this and the lesson this little girl learned is not to try to be stronger than god by doing those things for people yeah don't do nice things for people yeah who the fuck knows so then it's a note and she's like I know what I need to do now I need to stop all this bullshit and get down to some serious praying Yes

And now like we're in serious Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Territory yeah, yeah Lay it on thick not for us not not for our movies But for this movie this is where the Christian happens Okay, and Kevin Sorbos in church the little girl has brought her book of wishes that she stole from the God basket. Yeah. To pray on them. And she's like, and she and Kevin Sorbo sit there and she's like, Hey, I'm sorry, I blocked your cock so hard and he's like, don't worry, I'm going to get it in. You're the remaining adult male character that didn't offer a hege yet

to fuck my mom. So, what do you think? I'll adult male character that I didn't offer a hege yet to fuck my mom What is it? I'll even go first. I'll even go first. But it's insane like the I'm sure this guy knows that like Fucking this woman one time means they're engaged right in this world Yeah, but here this is where we find out why Kevin Sorbo's wife left And this is one of my favorite moments Kevin Sorbo's wife left and this is one of my favorite moments Kevin Sorbo's wife left because Kevin Sorbo can't have children Uh-huh, and my head she's just like I'm sorry. You can't get married. My dick doesn't work So some kids my dick is like a blood soaked pool noodle All right, well a little Jimmy

He wants a bike my dick is a tube sock So cabins like okay, well, let's go through your little list, right? And he says this one, and I absolutely love this line. He says, after dying for our sins, these shouldn't be too difficult. Yeah. Now, I just want to point out, I'm not trying to take anything away from people who get crucified. I'm sure it's unpleasant, but it's a low effort. Yeah.

Like getting murdered is one of the easiest things a person can do. It's passive entertainment. Yeah, look at Jo. G. Simpson's wife. She was just like, man, yeah. No, allegedly, allegedly, civilly. You can do much and she managed that one, so come on. So anyway, so she puts everything in the hands of Jesus, and now we get Kevin Sorbo, who's also trying to talk LSE into doing this concert,

this benefit. Now, spoiler alert, she doesn't. She just not doing it. The whole movie, like the whole third act of this movie, is people trying to talk her into doing this benefit concert, and then she just doesn't, and they don't even address. And at all, it's like DeliRis actually die of cancer, maybe I can't say.

It's like we gotta save the ski lodge, but they don't save the ski lodge Yeah or or even acknowledge that the ski lodge is not is unsafe and there's also the super weird cross cut here because they're cutting between Him doing the photo dynamic therapy, right and a choir singing in a church So it's just like science doing something religion being useless, right? It's like here's the song we've been singing for a thousand years hoping things would get better. There's a way we figured out to make light deliver medicine.

Here's the thing that if the people who wrote that song saw it, they would shit their goddamn pace. Right, yes, exactly. And again, probably want to fucking burn you at the stake for your witchcraft and then There's another kiss. Oh, yeah, yeah the the the gym teacher and his And I wrote yeah, I wrote my note show me a kiss in a Christian movie that doesn't look like they needed a fucking countdown where they weren't like Oh, right three two one. Oh god two one oh god Also fun fact not a lot of people know this Daniel Dennett is the choir director in this

Also worst choir in history. Oh, yeah, you got you got a movie with Delores and the choir's like Jesus birthday Happy grandma This birthday happy grandma. So they do the benefit or whatever and then they're leaving. Now this, this scene just really struck me as odd because apparently Kevin Sorbo is carrying around a brief case full of money like a drug king pen or something. Well, because they, they did a special collection. Yeah, right. So you just took the money directly. Yeah.

I guess right from the plates. They just dumped it into a suitcase. He's gonna bring a bunch of fives and one. Right, well, but they don't explain that and they a bunch of change in everything. Yeah, but they don't exactly explain that. So he just pats this briefcase and says, well, I've got to go.

I know a little girl who's waiting for that. And I'm like, is that a kidney? No. Is that a letter? Is the money so that his sister can move closer to the little girl who we can assume is still going to die of cancer? Right.

And by the way, the guy's an auto-rino-laryngologist. I think he makes a little money. Yeah, I think he could probably help his sister out. I'm just gonna throw that out there. He's single, he doesn't have any kids, you know, whatever. Come on. I was figuring it was money to hire one of those ice bath surgeons to get

Oh, there you go a guy named Demetri is gonna drop off a kidney man. This is a liver. I give you a bowl With nail polish But I want fives in ones Also I throw a rock in my wife's clothes. Make it up to Kidney, Kidnapper. So, oh. Yeah, right. So, now we get this, okay, so we've sort of established that the daughter, that Delarisa's

daughter doesn't love her anymore because she was abusive. Well, okay. So now we get a scene where the daughter read in the newspaper about Mom hiding in this abandoned house and apparently they printed the goddamn address because she pulls up in front of it. He writes for the Rolling Stone. Yeah, they printed the address. Yeah, what? Pretty disturbing. It's like old woman who has cancer and wants to be alone lives at 727. Yeah, if you want to say hi. Right. And Delaris is in the house singing to herself. And then the daughter is singing even less than Delaris sings back.

So it's like, prepare, gonna prepare for it, prepare for it. Yeah, prepare for it. For it. It is very worse. Honestly, throat cancer is not the worst thing that could happen to her. Delarie's in her daughter would sound better with one of those tracheotomy voice things. Yeah.

Yeah. Stephen always died from tobacco. Stephen Hawking in Delarie's robot Christmas album. Perfect. Oh, and we almost, and we totally skipped over this. I got to, I got to set this up. I fucked this up. Early in the movie, the mom asked the daughter what her impossible Christmas wish was. And she says she wished for snow because she didn't want to just say, I told the entire class that you couldn't fucking get your badge wet with a goddamn sprayos.

And so she says, I wished for it to snow snow and so now it's Christmas morning and damn it it's snowing Take science and doctors to get rid of the throat cancer, but God's got this snow y'all Right. He's got the road hazards handle Also everyone comes to the house because it's Christmas Aaron comes to the house and this is a huge pet peeve. I have it's the first movie we've watched where I can talk about it This is a movie thing not a Christian movie thing where everyone walks out of the snow and they're like wow it's snowing out there. No one walks out of the snow with joy Everyone goes like I'm slipping and sliding all this is gonna be a fucking nightmare

My socks will get wet off on the porch. No, I can't. My socks will get wet. Now, I do want to say though, honestly, Eli, from my perspective, like if you live in Southern Louisiana or like Southern Georgia or something like that, you get super fucking excited about the snow. Yeah, that's true. You honestly do. And by the way, the entire goddamn town shuts down entirely. The ambulance just won't run. They're like, you're on your own mother fucker. There's ice underground. In New York, we just kill all their homeless people that way. Yeah.

Street cleaning. Nice. Guess we're not gonna get bothered on their way to the train tomorrow. This guy. He's got to step over a course. And I also love this. This is another thing that you see in movies constantly.

So the family, the couple that she works for to bakery, they show up for Christmas dinner and Kevin Sorbos shows up. But then, Deli reason, her whole daughter's extended family show up and they're like, yeah, we thought we'd come over to since I live in an abandoned house with no heat and it's snowing. And the mom's just like, yeah, sure. Like, that's six extra people.

Who the fuck, you know, like, I don't get you to know how generous you are. There's no way you've got food for six extra people who the fuck you like I don't get it how generous you are There's no way you've got food for six extra fucking people and this is a line that might only hit with the the feminist online here When she says yeah, come on in we have enough food. We have too much food because you know women They really much food because you know women they have to eat like birds they really do they don't really even eat they just make me at a time no it's okay to eat you just have to vomit late when miss LC showed up I was like miss LC is here stanger grounds to have in sorbos stanger but I will say in this last scene there are more black people in this last scene

And they have been in all of the movies we've watched combined yeah, right? Hell there was more in that scene than they were in war room. This was a delightful movie. So yeah And of course then they have to they have to Close it off with another kiss so bad right. Oh, wow Sorbo gay. Oh probably he's Christian You come Yeah, exactly he was getting chiropractic and he had a stroke and then he was like oh my Christian now But I think he was just like oh I love dicks. No, I don't I don't love dicks. I'm a Christian now. He came to in a bathroom

I'm a recovering gay one day came to in a bathroom. Yeah. No. I'm a recovering gay one day at a time, one day at a time. All right, well, since that's gonna be our, our kind of our last episode before Christmas, I wanted to wrap up with a holiday themed analogy rating here. So he's Eli Rebecca, I have the same question for all of you and it's a two-part question. I want you to think of the worst gift

that you could possibly get for the holidays that would still be better than watching this movie. Now, like I said, two-part question. I want you to think of the worst gift that you could possibly get for the holidays that would still be better than watching this movie. Now, like I said, two-part question, what is it and who gave it to you? Heath? All right, so, again, I mean, this movie was terrible, but also amazing, also amazing. So it's tricky. It's tricky, the answer here. So I say it's like getting an STD for Christmas, but but it's HPV and I'm a dude so that doesn't matter. It's right. You know, but it was a great movie. It was a great movie. So it's like getting HPV during like a great threesome. It's a bittersweet. I get it. I get it. Bittersweet. Bittersweet. Bittersweet for them. Sweet for you. Yeah. There you go. There you go. So it is true. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. So it is true. Yeah I'm sorry you had to learn this way. So Eli same question. I'm gonna go with the

CJ whirlamans head like you don't want that evidence, but you're glad he's dead Happened I just don't know I have to deal with this part of it like I'd be happy that I have it and That he's no more Shit you just got a slow clap for me sir, and I hate to put you up against something like that Rebecca same question, and if you want to sing the answer that's fine I think having to like to to go on a blind date with Olivia That would be amazing Then I would just have to like no no no I'm here with you I got you a strap or mother

I'm just saying you only had one glass of wine. Do you want another one, Miss Lady? Because it's not a last two heads. It's not a last two heads, indoor Olivia, but I don't have to endure, you know, the old creepy, mad woman that can't sing anymore in the creepy boarded up house. That's right. All of that has taken out of the equation.

It was so sad. Well, I gotta say, Rebecca, I'm impressed. You suffered all the way to the end. I'm not going to name any names, but not all of our guests manage that. So congratulations are in order. Thank you. I can't wait to be untied. I really can't wait. So if our listeners would like to hear a for you from you, where would they go? You can follow me on Twitter, Rebecca underscore vigil like candlelight vigil on Twitter Awesome awesome, and of course we'll have that linked in the show notes. Thanks again for your time Thank you, and while that does it for our review of Christmas angel that isn't gonna do it for the episode just yet because holy shit We have something crazy coming up next week. So Eli tell us what's on deck?

Shit, we have something crazy coming up next week. So Eli tell us what's on deck? Loving the bad man, which is about Okay, so here's that we I found this movie like a month ago and it is I have been saving it's my Christmas present to me It appears to be I got burnt by Christmas angel. It appears to be about a girl who gets raped by a stranger uh... decides not only to keep his baby uh... but to love and marry her rapist in prison in prison yes yes comes to visit him like out of the blue in the preview he's like what the hell are you doing here and she's like well you know i was uh... it was better than I thought it was going to be, I guess. Holy shit. Yeah. So in addition to sending the message to women out there that when you get raped, you should at least give

them a chance. It's also sending the message to Christian men that if you see a hot Christian check, you go ahead and rape her. I mean, you know, sometimes, sometimes rape your way to a wife. I sure you got some shackles. I want to it now, and I don't know that this is true I think this might be the most morally reprehensible movie we do worse than No greater love worse than war room worse even then last ounce of courage I think this might be the worst moral movie we ever did. Even if they really soft pedal the pro rape, I think you're right.

Yeah. How much pro rape argument there is in this movie? It's gonna be too much. I think so. Yeah, yeah. I'm not exactly, I wouldn't say looking forward to is the correct breakfast, but this should be interesting. So with all that to not quite look forward to,

we'll bring episode 18 to a merciful close. Another huge thanks to Rebecca Vigil for joining us tonight. And of course, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful, and thereby earn early access to every episode.

You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes, and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist, You can also help us a ton by leaving us a 5 star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheists, and the scrap to crack, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodawfulMoviesatgmail.com, all the music used in this episode was written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts

on Mars and was used with permission. If you like what you hear, hear more by following links on the show notes for this episode. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heathen right Neely Bosnick. I'm No Illusions promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week and quick before we let you go we'll offer you the breakfast club clothes. Berkter Bagel Barrel. Berkter Bagel Barrel.

Don't sue us. The orphan kid with a bike awoke several weeks after Christmas in a motel bathroom full of ice with a hastily stitched surgical scar and no memory of how he got there. Mrs. Hill's daughter in a related story lived happily ever after. Olivia went on to be molested by her high school science teacher in the least surprising turn of events ever. Olivia's mom, Melinda, came out to her daughter shortly after the events of this movie. Ooh, said Olivia, I get it.

Elsa just went ahead and died of a throat cancer. It was not pretty. Kevin Sorbo molested the shit out of Lucas. The shit out of Lucas. And Joey's dad beat him to death. His final thoughts were of Lucas and his pencils.