God Awful Movies - 180: Silence

Episode Date: January 29, 2019

This week, we're joined by guest masochists Mark and Dan from the How to Heretic for an atheist review of "Silence"; a film that proves that even Martin Scorsese can't make a good movie when it has to be Christian. --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Okay, well, we checked out this whole Jesus deal and listen. It was sweet as pie for you to bring it to our attention, really. You're just the best. But we're going to go ahead and say thanks, but no thanks, okay? You want to cue cumbers? You know you like cucumbers. Right. To which Andrew Garfield responds, and this is absolutely really goes, oh okay, I get it

So the Christianity things not working and you're pointing that out. How do I put this delicately you and by that? I mean your race are a poison Not awful movie OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnich Eli. How are you this fine afternoon, sir? I've got my prosthetic buck teeth my super round glasses and I am less offensive than this movie though. I'm ready to go. So that's where you were last week. All right. And also joining us tonight are returning guest massacus smart and Dan from the how-to heretic podcast and thank God I'm Atheist Mark Dan. Welcome back guys. You know, it used to be that when you said guest massacres, it was a joke. This movie, Jesus Christ, I thought you guys liked us. Yeah, you know, I used to love you guys, you know, you came out here. We've done a few shows together. We had a few drinks together. You know, good times and you guys review garbage like, Hey, our white movies and the Christmas shoes and shit like that. And you'll invite

me onto trash your Martin Scorsese movie. What? And who my good fellow is in Casino? You know, I work in movies or I used to work in movies until today. Yeah. So thanks. I really appreciate it. Yeah. All right. So you've already hinted around at it. So I guess I'll just give you the assignment.

Mark, tell us what will we be breaking down today? Uh, today, guys, we'll be breaking down Martin Scorsese 2016 cinematic sleep aid silence. A story. A story at its heart that's a long form, not funny joke, about every religious person you've ever known. They always show up unannounced and they do not know when to leave. It's okay. So Eli, I'm going to normally, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to ask you the same question I normally do, but I'm going to slightly change the words on it. The word order rather. How was this movie bad? Well, if you love the crusades, but you wish there was a sympathy piece written by Shakespeare

and directed by Alfred Hitchcock, you will love this movie. Well, let's, let's dial it back from Shakespeare. But yes, yeah. I get your, here's the thing. If you're a Catholic, I can see how this is a compelling story of the tribulations of faith if you don't look into the history. But if you're anything else, this is a glorification of white people, and sainting non-white people to death.

Exactly. For three fucking hours, I would be annoyed by this even if it, even if I were a person of faith, I got to say, I think the movie would have annoyed me even then. I would hope annoyed by this even if it even if I were a person of faith. I got to say I think the movie would have annoyed me even then. I would hope so, right? I would hope that we could at least all agree on that, but I don't know given the reviews probably not. So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with the best worst image of Jesus. This is a Scorsese film. Okay, they could get any Jesus they wanted, but they decided to go with a painting that looks like Steve Buschemi and Marty Feldman

from Young Frankenstein had a kid who fell down a lot. I would say the best worst, the best worst for me is the identifying of who the protagonists are. But not for the reasons we're going to talk about it length later because I think I think it got all wrong. But I think it's the best worst because this movie is so fucking long and so slow that at some point you're rooting for the Japanese just to peel these Portuguese fuckers like grapes.

So something happened. Right. I feel like I was ahead of the curve in wanting the Japanese people to peel the Portuguese fuckers like grapes. Like I mean, I might have been there already, but the time you got there. Right. All right. I'm going to go and this was kind of a surprise to me. I'm going to go with best worse burrito outfits. Oh, yes. This was almost my best worst as well, because this is a very serious movie about martyrdom. There is not a single moment of death or torturing this film that they do not ruin by being like,

now to drown you, we have these goofy hats. Put on the goofy hats, right? Over and again, in this movie, they're torturing Christians to death and they're like, okay, but we want to make it fun. We want to make it fun. What if we roll you guys up like a couple of blunts and then smoke you, right? Before you burn you, you must don't these clown shoes. Exactly. That is the whole, the whole movie insists that you don't take a single second

of it seriously. Right. And for my best worst, I've got to go with best worst grasp of history. Thank you. Right. So I had heard of this novel because it's actually pretty well known among atheists is like, li make life face to the extent that like when he originally tried to publish it, he was like, I'm going to call it historical fiction. His publishers were like, oh, why don't we just go with fiction? I don't really wanna, because what it does is it takes a very, very short period of history after Franciscan Catholics tried to conquer all of Japan

and failed and turns it into like, I mean, we had our own Holocaust. It's like if they just showed the clip of Richard Spencer's nose bleeding and they were like, the passion of the Richard Spencer No idea why they punched that guy. He seems nice All right, well if we're gonna take on a Scorsese picture with an Oscar nomination We're gonna need to do our best so we're gonna take a minute to get pumped up and when we come back

We're gonna dive into all the why isn't this good that is silence hey podcast listener do you like? um okay Oh, either podcast listener, do you own podcasts? Well then good news because the guys are coming to Denver, Colorado for a live God-awful movies, March 9th at the Oriental Theater. That theater name's kind of messed up. Anyway, you can watch them break down a Christian movie that they've been saving for a while, the original. Refer Madness.

With special guests. Uhh... A tremendous amount of THC and Noah's bloodstreet. And don't forget our Platinum Night on March 8th, which includes dinner, drinks, a swag bag, and a live rift track style viewing of the movie with the guys. Link for the tickets in the show notes. God of the movies live in Denver, Colorado, March 9th. Be there or…

Ooooooh… Don't? Martin! Mr. Scorsese is so glad you're here. Thank you, boys. Okay, so Jeff here tells us that you wanted to do a new movie. We're so excited. Indeed, I do. It's a prisoner story.

Wow. And a story of war. Amazing. Tell me, boys. Have you ever read the book Silence? The largely fictionalized persecution narrative whose moral is that Japanese people are just too animalistic to be Christian? Exactly, that's the book, yes.

Oh, oh, I get it. So like, he means that we're going to tell the story from the other side, right? The side of the Japanese that fought off the invasion of Catholic forces and outlive Buddhist persecution. Nope, nope. I was actually thinking pretty much exactly the story of the book silence. But, but, you know, Mr. Scorsese, the story is almost entirely bullshit. It leaves, leaves out the fact that the so-called Christian persecution was in response to the Catholic Church super

obviously trying to take over the government. The guy who they think is the good guy is literally a cartoon demon in Japan now. Like literally. And we are going to change that. How? Two words, boys. Offensive? Accents.

Oh boy. I'll call casting. I'm a pucker-pecker. Yes you are. two words boys offensive accents oh boy, I'll call casting I'm a pucker peck at court. Yes you are I'm a pucker peck at court. And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna open up on a one-minute seven-second microcosm of this entire movie, right? It opens with a minute of escalating crickets over a black screen that grows increasingly to confidence long after we get the fucking point. That's pretty much the movie, right? Yep. Yep. That was a good abstract for the entire

movie. And then we open up on Raiden chilling next to some bodyless heads. Yeah. Yeah. Human heads are all the decorating, they are the decorating accent of the season and clearly clear when it was a bit smoky, but I couldn't tell if the guy was selling heads or was guarding a head. What's his head motivation? Get your heads right here. He's on head guard duty. I just love the fact that the first Japanese person that we see in this film has just beheaded a bunch of white people.

That would have been a good movie. And it gets worse, but I get it. I totally get it. Yeah, so what we're seeing here apparently is Japanese people torturing white people with the boiling hot spring calendar torture. You say it's boiling hot, but they splash that dude in the face. And I'm pretty sure that from his judging by his reaction, this was the famous Japanese mildly warmer than comfortable torture. Oh, God, Jesus, where's the cold? Where's the cold? Oh, God, Jesus, where's the cold? Where's the cold? Uh, newly drawn bathwater gentlemen. Are you sure you won't change religion now?

Gotta stand here naked. They should have just had a show gun flushing the toilet in the shower, right? We have an old and very small cold water tank gentlemen. You have a cold water tank gentlemen. You have a cold water tank, interesting. So, okay, so William Beeson starts his V.O. at this point too. He's like, it's 1633 and we're trying to Jesus up Japanese people. As you can see, it's not working out well for us. So you know how we go to places and kill all the people

who live there and then we pretend that we were changing their relations. Well, turns out we needed to bring a bigger boat. These guys are cheating. They're killing us back. It's right, right. The whole movie, the whole movie is no fair. You killed us back.

Yeah. All right, so the V.O. though we learn eventually is a let and everything by the way we will learn eventually just assume that every scene goes on three minutes too long at least as we go through this. So we learn eventually that this V.O. was a letter that Liam Neeson had written back to Catholicism HQ. And we cut to the guy I have is Catholic Tilted World operator leading this letter to Kylo Ren and the shittiest spider man. Yes. It's mans raider.

That's what it is. It's mans raider. Oh, it's mans raider. Yeah. Okay, that's way better. Way better name than Catholic Tilted World operator. With one hand. Yeah, okay, that's wait better name than Catholic tilt a world operator with the actor. They get in this movie is designed so that you can no longer take this movie seriously. It's

like, no, you will meet our head torturer Chris Farley. Boy, you're going down to the Stamman pants. Yes. Oh my God. And can we just say that everyone in this scene looks terrible. Like Andrew Garfield looks like they've slipped back the thick hair of a sturdy Slovak woman and hastily fastened a beer, fashioned a beard out of a push broom to smuggler out of the country. And Kylo Ren looks like they've specifically designed a hairstyle to highlight his comically large ears. How is it? How are his ears that big?

I don't know. Okay, so here's the thing about Adam Driver. They said, and like I read it on the IMDB page that he lost like 40 pounds for this movie, but there's no reason he needed to be, he lost 40 pounds for bulimia, right? Like, there's no reason why his character needed to be skinny. Yeah, when I said the first time I saw him on the screen, I'm like, go ahead and driver could stand to lose a couple ounces. Let himself go.

I mean, yeah, he lost weight for one scene at the very end, which he didn't need to be half naked for and it didn't serve any purpose. So yeah, I think you're right. It's boiler. Yeah, yeah, right. And we should mention right up front that Adam drivers, I guess they're going for Portuguese accent. Oh my god. This isn't great, but lucky for him, we have Andrew Garfields to compare it to right away. Oh no, we've started with a scene with three men, three and three

completely different and utterly indistinguishable accents. Yes. None of them could remotely be considered Portuguese. And the stupid thing is they're all speaking English. There's no need. You don't have to do an accent. You don't have to do anything. We'll all get that your Portuguese just speak American or whatever and you'd be fine. Yeah, it's, it's fucking rough. And throughout like the accents will change.

They'll forget about them. It's, it's Kevin's fucking rough and throughout like the accents will change. They'll forget about them. It's it's Kevin Costner asked, but the key to this scene though is that Kylo and Spidey want to go clear quit. And so Liam Neeson, they got this letter that says and heard rumor rather that he has turned Japanese like in the vapor song and a Japanese. Yes, yes, he's become a Japanese. Yes, right. Right. Change species were all together there. And Kylo and Shitty Spidey don't want to believe it.

They want to go to Japan and clear his name. But Mans Raider would never allow such a thing. Right. And what's amazing is they've the only evidence they have other than some unsubstantiated rumor is a letter that's three years old. And Spider-Man is concerned that what will this mean to all of Christian Europe if they find out one priest hung up his hasuk on the other side of the world rather than get habatchied?

The only evidence they have is this one fucking letter. Just burn it. Yeah, right. Everything's fine. He loves it there. They're all Christians trust us. He'll work. Telephone doesn't exist yet. Go fuck yourself. And to prove just how a historical this movie is, they're trying to say how dangerous it is, but none of the time scale of the so-called Christian persecution works out. So he goes, so, uh, man's rate is like he wrote this during the worst time, but it is worse now. What? Oh, there were, uh, like maybe a thousand people who got killed were really trying to stretch

out this year and a half. So they do a little walk and talk where they discuss this and everything. Eventually, Mansurator agrees to let him to go to the to Japan. And he says, though, he's like, you will be the last two priests to go to Japan. And I'm like, fuck, how do I get that deal? Right? I will get nuked in 300 years for that. I'm good with that. And they're like, they're like two teenagers. Like, come on, dad, let us go to Japan and get skinned alive. We want to get boiled. Come on.

All right. So now we cut ahead to 1640. They're on their way. Apparently they're looking for a Japanese guide and Chinese most Isley. Right. Totally. And this is, this is where we get this spectacular line. Andrew Garfield in voiceover tells us finally, we meet our first Japanese. Yeah. Who, by the way, they keep in a kennel under the stairs apparently. Yeah. Yes, yes, clearly. And by the way, when we meet our first Japanese, he growls at them. Yeah, yeah, I don't want to have too many Game of Thrones moments, but yeah, when the Japanese guy is growling at them, he's like, that's no way to treat our guests reek.

Loaded up, loaded up with Game of Thrones references, man, I'm excited. Yeah. loaded up loaded up with Game of Thrones references man, I'm excited. Yeah, when they finally get him to speak his the drunk Japanese guy's performance is rivaling that of Mickey Rooney and breakfast to Tiffany's like, I feel racist watching it. I literally said the word woe out loud. The first sighting spoke right? Cause I'm like, okay, score, say Z film, here we go. And he's like, please, you're like, oh, hey, hey there. Now this is in my internet history.

I don't want to. Oh, great grandchildren. No, I watched this on purpose. Don't worry, guys, it gets worse. And of course, the Japanese guy speaks English, right? Well, it's not supposed guy speaks English, right? Well, it's not supposed to be English, right? So they have to say, you know our language. Right. Exactly. Um, and to the Japanese guys, credit, this is, um, uh, Kichichi, as the character's name.

Yeah. Kichichi Rose credit. He's like, dude, you just asked me a fucking question in English. And I just answered it in English. And your next question was whether I spoke your language. I wanted him to answer in their language. No, I memorized all of this phonetically. Banana hammock. Banana hammock. Dave is the best banana hammock. But you know, the foreshadowing here that they don't quite hit on hard enough that there's in every movie, there's that moment where you meet a character that someone you should just walk the fuck away from. Yes. This is that movie's that moment. Yes. Yeah. And by the way, the fact that he speaks what's supposed to be Portuguese, I guess,

is their first clue that he's a secret Christian Japanese guy, right? But he's really good at that secret. We'll learn that later. Yeah, that's right. It's really a pond reflection. Maybe, maybe he's just not a Christian. We got right, right? Secret Christian, even from himself.

Okay. He's not a good one. He's not a good one. So guided hand, Spidey stops to write a fucking voice over because this has a spectacularly arrogant runtime. They could just show up in Japan, but no, they've got to write a fucking voice over because this has a spectacularly arrogant runtime. They could just show up in Japan, but no, they've got to write a fucking letter about how they don't even have any luggage and boy, to the Japanese kill a lot of Christians.

Let's not forget about that. Christians in the modern day, 350 years hence. And this, this is where we get the picture of Jesus, referenced before. Yes. And what's great is we get the close-up of Spider-Man, his head and shoulders. He's lying in bed. He's taught, we hear a voice over as him saying, as I prepare to do the Lord's work, I see his face before me, his lie, the body, glistening, his son, his pecs and abs, not too big, but cut. And then the bed just starts shaking. Yes. His son, his pecs and abs, not too big, but cut.

And then the bed just starts shaking. Yes, he was clearly jerking off to the Jesus hanging. The pathological love of Jesus has given cover to so many confused, straight guys, so they don't have to accept one love for a man. Since, well, 1640 at least, obviously. Yeah, well, yeah, clearly it was already enhanced by then. All All right. So they reached Japan. The guy's super excited. He swims the rest of the way, somehow swims faster than this other asshole rose that defies mechanics. But so so he they get to Japan. And then he takes them through the secret tunnels that lead to Japan. Is this

a video game level or something? Well, not only does he take them through the secret tunnels, but they he gets out of their site for literally a quarter of a second and they're like, well, we're fuck let's break. Come on. Yeah, they got burned. They're hassex. Adam driver goes instantly to full Kylo Ren. He's just. Yes.

Just so whiny and we trusted that man with our lives. And I was running away from us. Oh, wait, he was just going 10 feet away from us to the shore. I get it. Okay. Yeah, he's still in earshot when they start saying this. First, and this will talk about this later, but, but they don't meet until like much, much later when the quote unquote bad guys show up.

They don't meet a single fucking person in this movie that isn't Christian. Right. Right. No, you took, in this movie's mind, Japan was just teeming with Christians at this point in 1640. Yeah. Right. It's amazing is they keep trying to dance over the number in the like in between scenes.

They'll be like at one point point there were 300,000 Christians in all of Japan. And yet these characters are like weighed their crowds surfing across a mega church with Christians. It's a secret mega church though. It's an underground secret mega church. It's a case of church. It's a case of church.

Yeah, right, right. No, in Canada, you have a matter. Yeah. So they're in this, this secret cave or whatever, when suddenly like 11 Christians with torches show up to help them. How the fuck did these people know? Right? Did they send up, but did they send a text? Are we supposed to believe that God sent these people anyway? But a bunch of things. No, Chinchilla ran away and got him. Oh, okay, I don't know how to say his name. This Christians posted by every C cave along the Japanese.

Oh, I got 24 hours a day, you see? Well, they have 300,000 of them. Do you? Yeah, you got to do something with them. Yeah, there was a great moment when all these men with torches showed up and both of the priests just froze as if Japanese site was based on movement. Yeah. Well, okay.

So is it over and again in this fucking movie, they will be terrified by the sight of Japanese people. You think after a while they get used to them? Well, I mean, the setup is that every Japanese person who isn't Christian will kill them or will rat them out and then they'll get killed. But as Mark said, they are all Christians, so they should feel fine. They should just be fine. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, so the Christian Japanese folks sneak them to a safehouse using the the overground railroad. I just didn't seem like a very sensible method of travel if you're hiding. Yeah. You know, the best way to avoid the the show guns death squads is to run around on a

moonless night with torches. Yeah, that helps. That helps. Yeah. So they take them to a little safe house. Once again, Adam drivers had ordinarily scared shitless because there's an old Japanese lady there. Right.

Yeah, this scene might as well be called this was a bad idea, right? Because the Japanese people who are portrayed so offensively are like, have you brought us to Jesus so that we may wipe him on our bodies and live forever? And the poor people are like, oh, we have crackers. Actually, we didn't bring any crackers. We can make crackers though. And lies. What you guys do is say that. Lies?

Maybe the Jesuits didn't know that Japan was so full of Japanese people. Yeah. I do feel like this scene starts out with like a whole bunch of Japanese people going, oh, it's those guys who got most of our village killed. Hooray! Yes, yes. They take them in that house, that little hovel to hide them with them,

you know, at great risk to their own lives. And then the first thing that Drew Garfield says, he looks around and goes, how do you live like this? Yes. Like, what the fuck do you think? The place could use a new kitchen, but they just saved your fucking life. Right. It's a thing on the overdue penny. All I could think the whole time in that in that little hut was man, the Japanese version of Anne Frank is weird. Yeah. All right. So, and I love the conversation they have in here. Like, you know, Andrew Garfield's like, so why would you guys be Christians

if you get killed for it, right? And it's like, you're the fucking priest, man. You're supposed to, why are you asking us? Oh, and then they go for the comedy beat. Wait, were they forget to say grace, to forgetting to say grace comedy beat? Right, it's a, it's a, it's a make, because again, truly, and I'm not on board with this, but truly the thesis of this

movie is, look at these savages believing Christianity. And the rest of the movie will just be Andrew Garfield being like, I can, don't mean it. Don't, don't mean it. Come here. Come here. Come here. Guys, bring it in. We don't mean it. We don't don't get. Step on a plate. Yeah, step on anything. Yeah. Yeah, that'll be a lot of this movie. We'll be stepping on plates. So they ask about Liam Neeson and then Andrew Garfield has to give the one, the old Japanese guy has cross-elect necklace since that guy's such a good Christian, I guess. Right.

And specifically after we've been told that anyone caught with any Christian paraphernalia will be killed. It's almost again, what a great case. What a great case. Yeah, he says like anyone with any Christian paraphernalia will be killed and he's like, here have my cross. I really don't need it anymore. It's fine. I don't my cross. I really hands it off in the end. I really don't need it anymore.

It's fine. I don't want it. You guys take it. The door might as well swing open and he just like throws it in the air. Not mine. I love the idea that a culture of woodworkers and handicrafters do not have the technology to make one stick across another. Right? at a right

angle. So sure. Yeah. Yeah. Here, here have these two. This is fine Portuguese stick craftsmanship. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And then again, because of this movie's arrogant fucking runtime, they we have a scene where they take them from one safe house to a safer safe house. Yeah. Yeah, really important stuff. Yeah. And the voiceover, by the way, at this point, because the voiceover constantly will be saying what you're thinking, right? The voiceover's going like, wow, this is kind of persecution that Japanese people are facing. That's impossible to reconcile with the idea that our God actually exists. This movie keeps coming right up to the edge.

Yeah, right. Yeah, we should just fucking not do this. Oh, yeah, I mean, they're like writing a bicycle on the razor's edge. They're just trying to tormenting us with, I almost get it. Almost got it. Yeah, they're not going to. Yeah, right. No, no, the, the, the, the, the love interest will never pay off in this one. And then, okay, so they take him to the

safe house and there's this big voiceover thing where he's going like, oh, through that whole time, we just spend it sitting around, not doing anything, making this the worst possible subject for a film. I love that they're, they're, they're, you know, there's, they're in an abandoned shack halfway up a mountain in the middle of nowhere in a hole under the floor boards. And it's like, whoo. Look at Japan. You can't the Portuguese. Any day now. you guys, you did skip the wonderful, there was a wonderful moment where in the voiceover, Andrew Garfield says, I was overwhelmed by the love from these people, even though their faces couldn't show it.

I mean, right. Who can tell what they're thinking with those squinty eyes of there? Yes. Oh, my God. It's the best. And then to double down on the racism, we have the confession scene. Oh, my God. So everyone in this movie is 97 and somehow also constantly having babies. And this woman who is just a California Redwood is trying to confess his sins. And Kylo Ren

doesn't speak good enough English. So he keeps making her repeat herself. Oh, cool. She's literally repeat herself. Yeah, so cruel. She's literally like, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned and then tells him his or deepest darkest secret. And he's like, again, huh? Didn't catch it. One more time. Just one more.

Sorry. He put his dick way out to show me how the doll, how many times I'm not getting it once more. What does it mean? You got scraped like you ate some grapes. That's not a big deal. Yeah. Yeah. And the voiceovers basically saying, you know, we listened to him confess. We had no idea what they were saying. But you know, this is all bullshit anyway. So it doesn't matter. It's basically what he says. Yeah. And to prove again, I don't know why they kept this in the movie.

He does this baptism of this couple and they're like, hey, we're in heaven now, right? And he's like, oh, no, this is obviously, I've been translated. You're gonna laugh. No, when you die, the, I would like you to, but take it seriously. I mean, it is just I didn't, you thought we'd like go to a place that was nice. Which points, which points to how insidious the whole fucking movie is? It's like, yes, it light, the peasant's life in feudal Japan was so fucking shit that these guys come along with this stupid narrative that your life's going to be great.

Your life's going to be great. They're so desperate to believe it. They're like, great, we're in heaven now, right? Yeah. Boy, does it look an awful lot like my village? Yeah, and over and over again, this movie will highlight the fact that this Japanese form of Christianity that was created through the Jesuits, you know, invading their culture had almost no relation to

Catholic, Catholicism. Right. They had their own weird hybrid of Christianity that was just, you know, some crazy shit they already believed with new names added to it. So what are they even fighting for? And at one point in the fucking movie, one of the characters actually points that out to them and they're like, no, it's the best. We're going to get to it, but it is the best.

So in their secret sneaking around at night in these scenes, they have this big secret mass. And I know this is a movie about religious colonialism in the 17th century, but fuck, even knowing that the white father narrative is so insane. As they're blessing the cracker and all of these Japanese people are on the floor on all fours quaking like beaten dogs. Yes. And Martin Scorsese was like, good shot.

Keep that shot. Okay, more shaking. You got a shake more. Shake like a Japanese. So okay. And then we have this whole long band about Kylo Ren getting cabin fever. So like the movies literally about how boring the movie is right now. Meta.

To the point that by the time they're done having the this movie is boring fight, they literally agree to go somewhere more dangerous so that something will happen in the movie. Right. And so they've been weeks, I guess, in this, in this probably hundred square foot tiny little shack, right? And it's flea infested and they don't have a toilet and it's leaky, but my God does Andrew Garfield's hair look fucking magnificent. When does he have time for a full blowout like that? He was right. And they're out the outfits

that they've suddenly come up with. He and Kylo Ren. They look like a couple of Brooklyn's salon owning gaze just about to get married at Coachella. Yes. I was like, that's not a bad look. That's a good. Yeah. Yeah. They're somehow bathed. It's crazy. So, okay. But then they get so bored they decide to play hooky from hiding for their lives, not advisable. So they go out and sun them. So now I'm sorry, but sunning yourself is something boring to do, right? Like even doing this, this is watching other people do it on a move that's boredom to the second power. Now wait a, Noah. What if they see a bird? That's what he's sounding. Is it a normal bird or is it a message from God? They're all message from God, birds.

Yes, the God has lots of messages. Do you not speak God? Yeah, no God was telling me just the other day, you know, Seagal, Seagal, Crow. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that this sign from God of seeing a bird in the mountains where the bird lives. He's just coming home from work, dumbass. Come on, man. Where else with the bird be? Yeah. I do like that. They were like, Hey, you know what, if we don't get a solid jump on our tans, we're going to be totes pasty for beach season. So what

mean? I hear they're not used to white people here. So they didn't need to go out and do their little tanning, Sush. Well, for a minute, though, because eventually a couple of Japanese people see them out there and they run off like the Japanese folks had exclamation points over their heads or something. Well, and that's, I think that's a good Catholic life lesson. There's several of them embedded in this movie that they committed the sin of going outside to enjoy themselves. Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah. Boy, ain't that just Catholic. This is well done. All right. So that night, they're asleep in their shed and someone comes to know they have a secret knock, but this person isn't using the secret knock, right? So they're like, do we hide in the in the hidey hole or do we go out and help these people who say their Christians and Andrew Garfield thinks they should help Adam drivers entire motivation

in this film is the opposite of what I ever Andrew Garfield thinks. So he does. I just point out that they are in a shack that you can literally see through the wooden slats. And there be, and they're like, should we go out and talk to them? No, I don't think we share. Well, what if we don't? They can hear you as well. They can see you. It's like a sun porch. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. All right, so okay, but the key is they eventually decided to help them. And these Japanese people are Christians that need white people to come to their village to do all of the magic Christian stuff. Yeah. What a crazy coincidence.

They met some Japanese people that are Christians. Yeah. Right. Apparently Kachichi Roshou told them that they'd be able to find them there. So now they have to have the like the meeting about going to that village and in a bamboo field. Oh my God. Fun fact. Japan in this movie, 96% missed.

Yes, oh my God. So much fucking smoke in this movie. And I just got to say something about the Japanese people crossing themselves. I don't know what the fuck Scorsese was doing, but it seems insanely racist and weird that these truly devout Japanese Catholics that were ready to die for their faith always cross themselves like an amputee trying out a new artificial limb for the first time. Oh, head, dr. Miasoda.

It couldn't have been worse unless they'd put like, you know, karate noise effects behind it, right? It would have been a fast improvement. I just love that I just love that they had to have a secret meeting. So they all went to grass. Grass meeting about it. I want to be at that jumping out at people and making the sign of the cross meeting. Okay, everyone, big week. We've got two Christian ministers coming. So I want to make sure

everyone is ready. First of all, does everyone speak white person? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, great, great. Now remember, start with Japanese and then ease your way into an ever more fluent white person. Uh, sorry, uh, wait, why? Uh, no idea. Also remember your two S's, startle and then sign of the cross. Uh, startle? Yes. Yes, you're going to want pretty much every interaction with a white person to start with you like jumping out in front of them like a like a county fair haunted house. And then and then sign sign of the cross. Yes, startle then sign of the cross. Okay, so you all know that we're being oppressed for absolutely no reason. So why don't we get back to being 90 and having constant babies. No, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know Thank God. Yeah, honestly, honestly. Yeah. So he goes on a creepy boat ride and we know it's creepy because there's a drum beating it. If the movies have taught us anything, fellas, it's that splitting up is always the right thing.

Oh, yeah. There's nothing can go wrong if we just split up. You're better than slash your movie tropes, man. You're better than this. movie tropes, man. You're better than this. Apparently not. So okay. So Andrew Garfield gets to the village and, and, you know, all of the Japanese people there are super stoked about the fact that they finally have somebody that can put the magic back in their bread. They're all Christians. What are crazy coincidences? Yeah. Jesus. Also, and so well, he's in this village. There's a, they, they, they keep teasing us.

Like, oh, but don't worry, this movie will eventually have a plot. It won't, but they, they tease it like it is. So he has to get a clue about Liam Neeson's whereabouts from Mr. Miyagi's grandpa. Yes. Yeah, Mr. Miyagi's great, great grandpa that just got stung by a wasp. Yeah, exactly. But there was that moment where in the voiceover where Andrew Garfield is She's great, great grandpa that just got stung by a wasp. But there was that moment where in the voiceover where Andrew Garfield is thinking, oh gosh, is giving all these trinkets and they want all these bobbles. Is that a stand in for our faith?

Dude, do you know anything about Catholicism? Have you ever been to one of those stores in Mexico where you can buy science and shit or any cathedral? Like without the bobbles, what's left of Catholicism? They're fucking Lutherans. There are 14 walls of candles to your saints alone. And you're like, man, I hope they don't attach themselves to these rosary beads. I'm making out of rights. And he says, quote, real quote, they live like beasts and die like beasts. Yeah. That's the protagonist.

Almost had to buy a new TV after that. Marty Scorsese saw that quote and he was like, I can't wait to shoot that and put that in a movie. It's the year 2016 about Japanese people because, you know, anyway. Yeah. But so the key here, oh, and then in the cross giving out scene, right, he tries to give his rosary to Kachichiro, who is also in this village, but Kachichiro won't take it. So you know, and regard Phil Christian, the fuck out of all the people, but the hardest one to Christian was Kachichiro. So we get another scene where he gives some extra Jesus thing to Chinchilla to to Kachichiro, right?

Yeah, I thought he may. I thought Chinchilla might have actually learned the real lesson from this movie, which is just if someone tries to give you Christian shit, you run away. That's what you do. Right. And this is where we're supposed to get. Peeket, I call him Pikachu. This is where I'm supposed to get Pikachu's tragic backstory, right? So

he been caught being a Christian and he is his family. We're forced to stamp on Jesus. Oh, my God. It's from the okay. So courses, he got at least a little of the inspiration for this film from if footmen tire you what will horses do. Oh, and over again. The test for Christianity to see if you're really a Christian is will you step on this image of Jesus? This will happen 33 times in this film. And what we learn is that if you don't step on the Jesus,

we will, they will give you a peer one. That's when they dress you in wicker and then burn you like the ugly furniture that you are. So again, the hilarity of this murder, like obviously Marty didn't intend it, but his, so in his flashback of his whole family getting murdered because he was a coward, they are woven into baskets and that must have taken days. Imagine all that sinister murder weaving while the poor victim has to hold super still. It's diabolical, but somehow very Japanese. Yeah. I mean, this is, this is dying to be a powerful moment in the film, right? He

wouldn't renounce his Christianity. So the Japanese authorities set his family on fire. If not for the little burrito costumes, they put them in beforehand. This is a crazy serious moment. But and they do it graphically, like we see graphic images of people burning but they look like written burritos. So how do you take it seriously? And by the way, as soon as Kachitra wrote tells this story to Andrew Garfield, Andrew Garfield's immediate response is, would you like me to hear your confession? In other words, I can forgive you for your family being burned alive. That again, this fucking movie, the idea that these people who've suffered so fucking terribly for generations need to beg forgiveness for trying to survive from the two urban outfitter

managers. It's a tad dolling. Also, Unbelievable. Jeetjeet Row, well, I don't know what it is, anyway, he says, you must be a real priest because since you came here, the fires of the of my family dying in my dreams are a little less bright. Yes.

Oh, wow, slightly less horrifying dreams. What a boon for you. That's all the omnipotent guy could swing, huh? Wow. I have a dimmer switch. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so yeah, but Andrew Garfield had a swell time in the village of Goto and there are still two hours left in this goddamn movie.

Okay, so he goes back to the original village. And this is where he learns that the inquisitor is on to him, right? Yeah. Oh, the guy in almost a hat. This hat, again, every serious scene in this movie because his friend from the village of Goto has been kidnapped and he's caught by the inquisitor. And then the inquisitor comes out in what I can only call unwrapped condom as a hat. Okay, so I know he'd look ridiculous in his hat, but I don't speak Japanese, but anytime

a guy is barking in that base bark Japanese. I don't know what it is. I fucking pay attention. I'll tell you this though, the dude is using that Husky Japanese yelling voice for everything. So it like it has no power. He's like, I know you are good to people. It sounds exactly the same as I will kill everyone. Yeah, it's a very strange thing. And so I wasn't, you have to pay attention to what the actual words are

that he's saying, you know, the subtitle subtitles. Otherwise, you're just going to assume that he's just, you know, the subtitle, subtitles. Otherwise, you're just going to assume that he's just murdering people. Well, and okay, so it is so funny because that's all they've got, right? Like the scary Japanese-iness is all they've got for the character because he's being super reasonable, ultimately. I mean, I know they're persecuting a religion and everything, but he comes in and he's like, hey, guys, look, we don't care what you just don't be Christians because that's controlled by a European governmental, squasigovrmental agency that has tried to undercut our government. like we don't care what you just don't be Christians because that's controlled by a European governmental, squasie governmental agency that has tried to undercut our government.

So just don't do that. Do whatever you want. We'll give you some money if you sell out the Christians. Otherwise, like my job is to kill you. Don't make me kill you, right? So the only thing they have to make him evil and bad in this really is the accent in the language. This begins an entire film of the horrible evil bad guys being insanely kind and polite

and like very reasonable, just like always willing to make a deal. Let's let's work this out together. I just did for like the terms of 1640 in which a much more brutal time everywhere in the world. It's incredible how reasonable they are. Yeah, right. It's not like, again, because it's not like we're comparing this to 20th century Portugal, right? Like Portugal with the 16th hundreds. What's it? Super great, either. And that's, that's what I just, that was hilarious. This is like the inquisitor, don, don, don, and in the cursed year 1640, don't you think it's a little rich for European Catholic trees? Yeah. Like somebody else having an inquisitor is, oh, what a bad

inquisitor. Also, the best part is like historically, when you look this up, what he's basically saying is, hey, um, last time you all were Christians, you know, last year when they came and shipped over a bunch of firearms and you tried to take over the government, you remember that less than 365 days ago? I would love for that not to happen again. I'll be back in three days to collect the Christians on the God damn honor system, hands up if you're Christian totally does that totally I need I'm going to take four prisoners. You guys decide amongst you I'm going to go away for a few days. You guys bigger it all out and then just send

me the four I trust you'll come. It's fine. He might as well turn around and be like, all right, I'm going to turn around and And if the Christians are on my death, I'm going to turn back around. No one's in trouble. You can have them back in June. Yeah, right. After the school year, no, my Toma Gachi's going to die. Am I going to be my little brother who's named Toma Gachi? All right, so that night, and yeah,

the spectacularly silly cinematrobe concept thing or whatever, he actually gives them three days. So that night, Andrew Garfield is mildly perturbed about the idea that a bunch of random Japanese people are going to die in his stead, but only mildly. And they're comforting him. They're like, look, don't let the whole us getting murdered thing free. Super excited to die for your God. We completely understand what's going on. We do not think you read the script. You know that we're not fully human. It's not a deal. You're a list, bro. I'm just a Japanese guy. The Padres are like, no, we'll go. And everybody's like, no, no, you guys are the only ones who can spread this religion and get more of us killed.

Yes! Right, again, like the best thing that could possibly happen for this movie is for them to turn these two guys over. Right. Yeah. For everybody involved. Right, yeah, exactly because like so many people die and we as we'll eventually discover when they capture these guys, they don't kill them. No, no.

No, they give them jobs and wives. It's a yeah, we get to it. We'll get to it. But again, we spend this whole fucking 700 hour movie being like, oh, when they catch the Padres, that's when the real murdery torturing is going to begin. Yes, just keep in mind that at this point, the three most likable characters in the movie are ready to die to protect these Padres from getting caught. And we are going to find out eventually what happens when they are.

Well, this scene, this scene takes, you know, it goes from everybody being brave to suddenly everybody being very cowardly. And so, yes, we're getting down to the real brass tax of Christian morality, right? It's like, yeah, we care about the least the strangers of the weirdos going to send them to get temperate. I love it. So, so they say, okay, so we need four volunteers to die for for these guys. And three people are just like, yeah, I'll die for them. And then one guy stands up and he's like, you know, who should die for them? That guy, right? Like, like, you can't stand up. him that guy, right? Like, you can't stand up.

And I mean, if you're right, right? As we'll eventually learn, Kachijiro is the exact perfect guy to send for this particular test, but you can't volunteer someone else at that point. I think that goes against the rules. Uh, well, I would do it. I'm a coward. It's fine. Yeah.

Well, no, I'm not saying I wouldn't. I'm just saying you're not supposed to. Okay. So yeah, all the willing hostages are going to go to Dyson, the a list, list actors can still be in the movie. And but before they do, they're asking for some advice, right? They're like, Hey, Catholic priests, when we're captured what she would do in Andrograph is like, Oh, just totally shit yourself, dude. Just let it go. Just let it go. No reason to be brave about this. I'm 50 years old and I have lived long enough to watch a deadly serious movie where the entire moral universe of the narrative hinges on the word trample.

Yeah. So yeah, the guy that one of the guys who's going off to his own death, bravely. This is one of the ones who volunteered, asks the priests, what should I do if they want me to trample on Jesus' face? And Andrew Garfield has the most dramatic moment in the world where he goes, trample. Yes, trample. Trample, like you've never trampled before. And Adam driver's like, fuck no, fuck no, you don't get the trample. Jesus died for your sins.

You asshole. No, that's the other thing is like the whole deal with Christianity is you can be forgiven for anything. So fucking step on his shit on his face. It doesn't matter. What's the point? Right. And spoiler alert. I don't want to spoil anything yet. One character in this movie will understand that. Yeah. So this is a technically extremely well-made film. So I was super excited to have a strange wardrobe note here because there's very little to make fun of.

But the wardrobe in this scene where they're standing on the rain, I can just imagine Adam driver's mom, honey, you're going to go out in this weather without your haystack. It's not your haystack, I'm so weird. Yeah. So, okay. Yeah. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and job trying to make your I don't need my Jesus doll anymore because you know I'm going to go die now. So you can have exactly

do they know that when non-Catholic swatched this is homicidal insanity I feel like they don't. All right, so his, his, their death proxies get carried off in their stead and, and the VO at this point once again, skating right up to the edge here goes, Lord, why does it

sound like I'm so full of shit when I explain stuff to these people? Oh, but he's like, okay, dear Lord, remember when I was like, I need to try like Jesus, backsees? But I'm not doing that again. Yeah, a lot of his voiceovers end up being like, well, I know everything that God does

is good. And God is making these people suffer. Ergo. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah. Yeah, like an actual question is asking about the Japanese people in Andrew's voiceovers, why must their trial be so terrible? Because that's how the fucking rice cake crumbled in feudal Japan, Guido. Like everything. The penalty for everything was death. You guys just came

along and introduced a new crime. They, there are more things to get killed for. Yeah. So, okay, so then we cut to the hostages having to step on a Jesus picture to prove that they don't love Jesus. And they're, by the way, they're like walking through eight feet of mud and somehow every foot that gets onto Jesus, it comes off clean. Like that is a miracle right there, friends. The miracle of the clean Jesus. The fucking rain ex to Jesus statue, there you. Yeah. The mud budget on this film was in the tens of millions. It eclipse the smoke budget.

All right. So, but, but all the people are just like they put out the Jesus thing and they're like, ah, if you're a real Christian, you won't step on that. And they all just do a little hold down, right? They go down and they're like, yeah, no, I'll step on it. But then the guy's like, all right, that was too easy. Now you have to spit on a crucifix and say that mother Mary is a whore. Right?

I love that he's like spit on this crucifix and then he holds it directly in front of his own face. Yes, to me, is a great opportunity. If you're if you're a person who's a good, that is a really fine opportunity right there. if you got one thing left to do in this life you might as well do that right I feel like the whole time I'm watching I'm going what are the cuz I would totally spit on that crucifix right but I don't know How what are the logistics of doing that without pissing the heck out? Can you just squinch I need you to just Can you just squinch? I need you to just just

hold it over here. I'll do a dangler. I just figure you just you just keep going oh shit I missed I'm sorry about that. Let me try. Oh god damn it again really with this I'm not good at spitting I'm sorry let me let me let me just get this one. Yeah sorry about that show, gun.

I you should see me cross myself. I do not have a lot of physical decks. All right. So, yeah, so they go down the line, tell them to spit on the crucifix and old guy. You can't do it. And Japanese caliker can't do it. And Kachiciro is just like Lou Geepro. I've got one already.

Yeah. I love Kachiciro. could cheat you row is just like Loukey, bro, I've got one already to Yeah, you know, this is this is the book of Mormon movie levels of forgetting how bad he felt the last time. Yeah, just keeps doing the same fucking like he steps on the Jesus, he spits on the Jesus and then three seconds later, he's always like, why did I do that? I hate myself so much. And then he consists of narrative in the movie, right?

Yeah, right. No, no, no, no change, no character arc. Just he's the guy that keeps doing a thing and then feels bad. He's layman, Yeah. All right. So they crucify the Christians that wouldn't spin on the cross. Now this is a weird one, right? Oh my god. A crucifixion. I'm so glad something happened. I don't care who gets crucified as long as everybody does. Yeah. Right. But they fucking all up. Okay. So here's my assumption, right? That they heard about someone getting tied to the cross and they didn't know about homophones.

So they assume that the tide was somehow involved in it. So they do a crucifixion drowning. Right. They put it by waves to death, which is, I think that's a pretty cool take on it, frankly. Well, I feel like one execution method is kind of canceling out the other year. Well, every artist works in the medium they have. And again, this is supposed to be a very serious moment because the people are all dying and he's saying of prayer as he's executed, except they keep interrupting his prayer by him

getting slapped in the face with water. So you cannot take it seriously. He's like, father forgive us. Blue shop. Where was I was? Oh, father, forget. Blue shop. This is a starfish on his face.

Well, as the great theologian Bill O'Reilly says the tide comes in, the tide goes in. Never a miscommunication. Even when it could save some Christians, yeah, I just, I just love that Andrew Garfield's characters response to this was I prayed that they remembered our Lord's Suffering and took comfort from it. How the fuck does that work? Yeah, right? I'm suffering. So I'm gonna remember another dude's suffering. Oh, well now I feel better. Yeah, other people have suffered too. So this is great now. And also doesn't it like radically undercut the Jesus narrative that like two of the three guys they kill here had it way worse than Jesus?

Yeah, four fucking days. Yeah. Yeah, one of them, one of the guys lived through the crucifixion drowning for four days. It's one point you would think they would just go like, you know what, stake it down a little deeper, right? Just hit it with a hammer four times. Let's let him go. He gets it. He gets the message. Yeah, but also again, Martin, you're a good filmmaker. What the fuck are Scooby and Shaggy hanging out like 15 feet from this crucifixion

in the bushes watching this happen? The two pod rays. And not fully maybe understanding that this is their fault. Like a wilds go. They're doing a first fiction. Rooster River. Yeah, they were literally just eyeballs in a bush, you know, sneaking closer and closer as they think. But we don't finally get a reference to the title. Oh, yeah, we do. It's the first reference, like the first reference to the title when Andrew Garfield is

like basically referencing God is the one that's silent. And I was like, yeah, that's what the silence is, it's God. Yes, that's so amazing. That's amazing. Again, we're on that bicycle. Yeah. You're almost there. You almost get it.

But this suffering of these guys getting crucified. But this, this suffering of the, these guys getting crucified, I realized at this point that the Japanese in this movie are essentially whole villages of magic Negroes. They exist only to provide valuable life lessons and a noble the spiritual sufferings of the white fathers. Yep. Oh, hell, yeah, they are. All right. So eventually Japanese galagher gets done dying and they bring his body over and they're not allowed to like Christian barium. So they have to burn him. But he's been in the water for like four days.

So that must have been such a pain in the ass. Yeah. That's wet wood. That's going to smoke. And the V.O. is the whole time he's in the future. He's doubting himself. He's like, how can I explain God putting them through this? I don't even think a brilliant storyteller like Martin Scorsese would be up to that task. Jesus.

All right. So now it's time. Okay. So it's time for them to split up, right? Andrew is going to, Andrew Garfield is going to go to go toe and, and Adam driver is going to go to some other village we don't know about because he's not in the movie anymore really. Only after the gaiest priest hug ever. There is a sustained manhug here. And let's, let's explore this. I know the heat's coming down. But is there a wrong time for a little

tip to tip, bro exploration? I don't think so. Never a wrong time. Never a wrong time. But before they hug or I can't remember the fuck cares, he says Andrew, Andrew Garfield says to him, we cannot doubt that will be our death. And I'm like, seems like faith is the major cause of death around here, Bob. Doubt your way back to Macau. You'll thank me later. All right. So we're an hour into this movie. You'll thank me later. All right.

So we're an hour into this movie, which means we've gotten about 26 minutes of movie. So he and Andrew Garfield goes back to go toe. This is where we get the cat pop scare. Yes. Yeah. So, so yes, we go to this village that he had Christianized just, you know, weeks ago or months ago or however long ago he was there. But it, and it turns out that the village is devoid of humans and has turned into the

farm up state that my parents kept sending my favorite cats to. Oh, no, it's, it, it is all burned down. Though every, every hut is burned. I was waiting for him to go, Uncle Ben and brew. Yeah, I thought the show gun had some witch turn the villagers, all the Christians into cats. It was like so many cats. That would have been so much better.

You had to give those little cats communion for the rest of the movie. And we've never seen a cat before in this movie and all of a sudden there's a thousand cats. It's the craziest thing. Oh, it's a, I really wanted him to be like best village ever. A lot of time ago. He didn't go for a walk. That's it. Yeah, but instead he gets all depressed.

The voiceover is like, God, why do you behave exactly as though you didn't exist? Oh, no, nope, nope, moving on, moving on. I just ran into Kachichiro again. Yeah, he's like, am I just talking to myself? And I was like, stay with that spidey. You've been together there. You got it. Just turn that bike a little to the right.

You're almost there. But no, he doesn't get there. He doesn't quite get there. He just randomly runs into Kachituro. The Japanese guy, he has randomly run into three times on the islands of Japan. How big is Japan? You guys have been there. Is it, it's big, right?

Is it, is it bigger than a football field? Because I feel like this movie takes place on a football field. It seems like it's about the size of Central Park. You got about a cent, one Central Park of Japan. The Padre runs an imp so frequently. I just assumed he was the ghost that crawled out of the TV in the ring. This is fucking haunting him wherever he goes. Well, I literally thought at one point we were going to learn that Cochigiro was actually

working for the inquisitor the whole time and was just there to sort of like trick him. I literally thought at one point we were going to learn that Cochigiro was actually working for the inquisitor the whole time and was just there to sort of like trick him. It was a spy. It never, that never panned out. I thought that was the only way that this character makes any sense at all, but no, right. They weren't worried about this character making any sense at all apparently. So okay. So now he's, he's joined back up with his sidekick and Kachijiro's helping him out,

but Kachijiro's still super sad about spitting that lugia in Jesus. So Andrew Garfield offers to say magic white people words to make him feel better, I guess. Yes. And you can see Pikachu connect the Christianity, lets you do anything as long as you say, sorry, Dotsi's like, whoa, wait. So the first time I did this and then I said sorry And you forgave me. I was good. So I can just do that again And he was like, yeah, and he was like so if I did something bad in the future and he's like, well, why are you planning something?

I was like, no, no, no, no reasons. I just just head over to the next scene. Don't worry about it. You're worth 300 pieces of silver anyway, next scene. You're worth 300 pieces of silver anyway, next scene. This is a real low point for the pod right here. And I just, you know, if I was his dad and he was sending me letters home, I'd be like, you did your level best, kid. He entered a country illegally. You got a lot of good people killed. But weirdly, everybody hates you.

Come on home, sport. Time to leave. You've done your part. Yeah. There's a great moment where where could she do your own like, makes it, makes him aware that a priest is worth 300 pieces of silver if they turn him in. At which point, you see Andrew Garfield go, I'm worth like 10 Jesus' right now. That's the best.

Christian was a realist, Really gotten profitable, yeah. And then he cooks him a fish. Yep. Yep. And we watch him eat the fish because, you know, it's not like we're trying to get to a reasonable runtime or anything, sure. And he's really resistant to, he's like,

I don't know. And he's like, please take the fish. You must be so hungry. Here comes the airplane. Bum. Come on. Here comes the inquisitive in your mouth. And then of course, I just because this makes me crazy, Andrew Garfield eats the fish in the time honored movie trope of starving people eating, which is using both hands and shaking, but somehow still getting more food on your shirt than in your mouth.

Yeah. Yeah. Somehow he's got like a handheld blender in his palms. Like the back of a blonde margis. I wasn't hungry. I did not catch a lot of that. All right, so they leave the next day and Andrew Garfield's not feeling great from that fish. Like something about it didn't agree with him. That's something we're spending time with in the movie now.

Well, they got to fill up three hours. We better know about it. They really didn't have to have a casino run time if it didn't have a casino story, but yes. But they did. Also, that fish was what got him to look into the magic pool of water in the river where we get to see ugly Jesus again. Okay. We're not supposed to crack up at this. Oh my God. Apparently, apparently having a bad tummy ache makes the CGI go terrible. I guess this was, it was like this literally like as you're watching this, you're like,

did they make this movie in 2005 and just wait 11 years to release it? Yeah, that was a horrendous visual effect. And no, no reason in the worldwide had to be. That's an easy one. Yeah, you know what I think it was is because Scorsese is a cinematic purist that he was working in the visual effects capabilities of the 1640s. Oh, that's right. A little more primitive, now effective.

All right, so what we're seeing that looks so fucking ridiculous is that Andrew Garfield A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now.

A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now.

A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. A little more primitive now. how bad the CGI is going to be when they drop it in. And then when he stands back up, it turns out that Kachitra was sold them out for the 300 pieces of silver. And the inquisitor is right there. And there's like nine guys standing around him with sticks to make my racist aspect of karate fight here, but there was. I just wrote music note. We have to score a horror movie with just a saw.

Wow. Besides being everywhere at once, Kichijero is a real piece of shit. It turns out he's the best. Yeah. What's funny is that the answer to all of Kichijero's problems is if he just stopped fucking around with this Christianity shit and just went back to his life as a fisherman. As an antedruck. You don't need to do anything. He just stopped fucking around with this Christianity shit and just went back to his life as a fisherman as an adrulk You don't need to do anything you can just stop and then you you don't know none then everything goes right

This movie are just stop it. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, so okay So but they they get a drug our field and they bring him to a little captive Christian playtime Oh my god. It's time for icebreakers. I'm Pablo the platypus time. Oh my God. It's time for icebreakers. I'm Pablo the platypus. So they take them to this role of Christians. And it's so funny because like there's these five Japanese Christians there. And they're all like, yes, we are ready to dive for our faith. And Andrew Garfield's like, what the fuck's wrong with you people? I'm freaking out. Yeah, he loses his shit. Why don't you freaking out? Also, by this point, his hair has gone full Charlie's angel. And he loses his shit. And he's like, why are you guys so confident in this? I'm not what's going to stop rocking a die. And then he just takes a beat and munches on a

little mini cucumber. Yes. Was so good. It's the best. The girl who's comforting him here. She's like, yeah, I mean, in heaven, there's no suffering or pain or taxes. I really wanted that girl to be like, I'm really into the Christianity thing for the tax break. That's awesome. All right. So now the main bad guy shows up to talk to the Christians.

We can tell he's the main bad guy because they're Japanese and he has a fan. And his fan work is fantastic. Oh my God. Like, you told me he was signaling for help as an actor. And some kind of code. And Martin has gone, see Nile, none of us know how to stop the project. The Martha police said help. It's he's going and he's delivering totally straight dialogue while he does it.

So his hands just like whipping around doing like crazy. He might as well have started juggling six balls, just very casually. And then you will be torture. It looks like he's getting attacked by a bat and just trying not to notice it. Don't give him the attention. Also, he's very hot. So he has to take off his crash symbol. Yeah, right.

No, it's written with the hat on his and his impressive. This is in way, the inquisitor that we'll get to know and seriously love in this movie. But in the classic Hollywood trope, in a way, the inquisitor is the worst kind of villain, a gay villain. Oh, yes. He's so a feat and so fussy and so evil. Of course he has Christians. Look at his mincing and his fastidious grooming. He's basically Jafar only slightly wrong nationality or whatever.

They should have given him one of those cats to stroke. Yeah, thanks. Just to show you how terrible it is, he literally, because he's doing the offensive Japanese accent and the Minson gay villain thing, which results in him literally going, y'all at one point. He does. All right. So, but, but we should point out too, because he's speaking to Japanese at first, at least, and they got the subtitles up and everything he's saying is spectacularly reasonable.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. He explains to the peasants kind of what the, what the Catholics are up to. And then they leave. And he has a conversation just with Andrew Garfield where he's like, look, man, we tried to kill on you guys. That doesn't work.

You guys are all into it. Um, can't torture you when you're enjoying it. And he says, so why don't you just renounce your faith? All of these peasants will go back to believe in whatever somebody tells them to believe because that's kind of their thing. And nobody has to die. And he's like, oh, everybody has to die, guys. argument. The Andrew Garfield is literally like you don't understand. If any man follows God's commandments, then he can live a peaceful and joyful life. Like all of these faithful villagers. Oh wait, I'm starting to hear it. I'm starting to hear it. My favorite line of interpreter guy here who just crushes Christianity's ball throughout

this movie goes, Hey man, didn't you notice we had a religion when you came? Oh, right. Right. The guy is the fucking best. So they take him to the page. Oh my god, he's awesome. They introduce him to interpreter guy and interpreter guy will just be like our analog in the film.

Yeah, he's awesome. And this so they're in the cage now, right? I got a note about the film. Yeah, he's awesome. And so they're in the cage now, right? I got a note about the cage. So this cage is amazing. It's more of a bird's nest. It's kind of less a suggestion of a confined space. It's like, is that going to go to the Met and paying what you can? This is prison what you can.

It's like a fancy, one of those fancy sugar cages over a dessert in a fancy expensive restaurant. He could just nibble his way out. We appreciate it if you didn't break out of this hot. You don't move quickly. You'll just shatter. He could nibble his way out, not feel too bad about the carbs. Well, there you go.

All right. Well, anyway, it took long enough, but Japanese translator guy finally gave me somebody to root for in this flick. So quick, well, there's a high note. We're going to take a break. But first, let me give Ack through the hard sell. Did you really need three hours, Marty? I mean, wasn't Casino too long at three hours, even though it was Casino?

Remember when Marty was doing Casino? Find out the answers to different questions and more when we return for the lingering conclusion of silence. At last, Padre, your friend here has turned you over to us. I am sorry, father. Pikachu, how could you? Please forgive my sins. Very well.

In no many patries, at Philly, at Manga Manga. Ow! How many Patrists at Phili at Manga Manga? Oh! I am sorry, Father. I did it with my hands. Please forgive my sins. I mean, are you sure? Because you just slapped me like right in my face. No, I will never do it again. Please, please forgive me. Okay. In no many patries, sit. Ow! Ow, wow. Okay, you didn't even let me finish that time. Forgive me.

Come on, man, this is embarrassing. I mean, it is kind of our thing we're supposed to... Yeah, but he's pretty obviously. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Sorry, sorry. Just...

Just wanted to get those in for the next one, get it all sort of in one thing. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Ouch! Hahahaha. Hahahaha. And we're back for more of this shit,

and we're gonna start off this time on a little Christian prisoner themed parade slash poop throwing a Hogan's alley. Do you guys feel like that Scorsese was consciously trying to punctuate this movie with scenes from Christ's life? Like, yes, absolutely. Very much so. Yeah, this was definitely that sort of, that Jesus writing into Jerusalem. Right. Only this time Jesus gets shit thrown at him.

So, although I will say that the one dude, the one peasant guy had amazing pooping. What a weird skill to have mastered, right? Cause he's throwing it. There's like 19 people there, but he hits the guy he's aiming for with that poop. That's true. There's also a person wearing a basket on his head playing a flute.

So that's fun. Yes. I don't know why, but that was there. So. And of course, Pikachu is there for some quick forgiveness. But oh my god, that guy. But Andrew yells at him. He's like, stop looking at me.

Stop looking at that. Even the kindly loving Catholic priest may be going to his death is sick of this guy's shit. And the voiceover has gotten decidedly, like, it's basically now it's just devolved into Jesus is my Jesus and all these savages can't Jesus away my Jesus. Yeah, I expected the voiceover to at any point just to end with, but first the diatribe, yeah. So, okay, but okay.

And again, emphasizing the wrong things here, Martin, they put them in a prison, and it is the nicest goddamn prison I have ever seen. This is like a boutique hotel. Yes. It is gorgeous. I would say 500 bucks a night. He's literally glamping. Yeah.

After his last cage, this is incredible. And what's great is that we get to see him apply the thing that he learned in his first class in Portuguese seminary, which is cross on rosary craft hour. Yeah, yeah, they even let him Christian it up with all the other prisoners in there. They have little little prison church. Yeah, it's they even let them Christian it up with all the other prisoners in there. They have little, little prison church. Yeah, it's like, like, do they, is that how jail works? Do you have all this free time to kind of minister to other people? It's crazy. Yeah, again, they, they, they somehow make 17th century Japanese persecution.

Prison seem awesome. Yeah. Yeah. And that's not what they're going for, right? Like that would be, it's a good time. Yeah. And that's not what they're going for, right? Like that would be. It's a good time. Yeah. All right.

So they take him off to have this big trial thing, right? Where he's going to have to like answer before the inquisitors panel. Yeah. And when he gets to the inquisitors panel, by the way, they all have fans. So all bad guys. And they're all doing the crazy signal that I, it's like synchronized swimming. There could have been actual synchronized swimming going on behind these people and it would have been less distracting than just

like that. They're tossing them back and forth. They're passing them like clubs instead. But you know, I got to say again, the Japanese being incredibly kind and indulgent, this is a beautiful open air trial, right? The weather's good. There's the threat of mass murder and torture. That's, I did. I did. I did keep worrying about all these Japanese guys who have that weird, shaved part of the

top of their head out there in the bright sunlight. I feel like they're going to get burned. You can see why they need the red and hats. And also, of course, they're being insanely nice to them. These guys are like hotel concierges to this dude. Oh, yeah, it's all this you comfortable. You need anything? A lasage? No. Yeah. Okay. Well, we checked out this whole Jesus deal and listen, it's a it was sweetest pie for you to bring it to our attention. Really. You just the best. But we're going to go ahead and say thanks, but no thanks, okay? You want to cue color? We know you like cucumbers. Right. To which, to which

Andrew Garfield responds, and this is absolutely really goes, Oh, okay, I get it. So the Christianity thing's not working and you're pointing that out. How do I put this delicately you and by that? I mean, your race are a poison. Yeah. And I realized the power dynamic between me sitting over here and you sitting over there, but y'all go fuck yourselves. Yeah. And then Jimmy Janga comes, goes into ninja mode, but he's real bad at it. Well, yeah, okay. So he runs into the prison and is like, Hey, I'm super sorry about betraying you. I want you to know I didn't betray you for the money.

That's his first thing that I'm going to sentence, but I so wanted to know how it ended. Why did you betray to see the look on his fucking face? Right. Yeah. He broke into a prison to tell me that. Yeah. Again, Jimmy Chongka, all you had to do was nothing. That's to stay happy and healthy. All you had to do was nothing, but instead you broke into a prison and got caught. Yeah. And this is where I realized that Jimmy Chonka in this movie is that buddy who keeps breaking up and making up with the girlfriend. He calls you at 4 a.m. Dude, it happened. You've broken up three times.

You don't get to even be sad in my presence anymore. Let alone call me. Click. And so, yeah, this is, and then he lets him into his cage somehow and he gives him absolution again. And I'm a little thick, but at this point, I was pretty depressed feeling that chimichurri is a stand in for all non-European cultures and Scorsese white colonial world view that always being devious, unable to live up to the nobility the white man is gifting

him with. But gosh, darn it. He sure feels bad afterwards and wants to be forgiven and do better. We can't stay mad at you, Jimmy Cherry. You unliked and savage. That's absolutely the message of this fucking movie. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So now we're heading back out to the court.

You're to break us some Christians. They have five Japanese Christian peasants, and they have to prove their non-Christianity by stepping on Jesus again. And we watch them not do this one at a time. We don't give any. No. Also, this made me wonder what happens when there's a false arrest in these situations. All you must do is step on the plate and you will be free of it. I, excuse me. Yes. I'd like to step on the plate. Oh, okay.

I would kind of do an explanation. I was just over at Giro's house when the guy in the little fruit bowl hat came and just kind of got swept up in the arrest, but I'm 100% totally cool with stepping on that plate. Okay, well, that's great, I guess. Yeah, I'll take a hot wet shit on that plate. I mean, I've been trying to tell you guys for three days, you want me to shit on the plate? No, other people have to step there so stepping will be fine.

Okay, cool. Wow. Yeah, it's all in the ankle. Am I good? Yeah, you are good. You sure don't want me to shit on a totally shit on a... I'm super sure. Okay, well, I'll for Stan see y'all.

I mean, it's gotta happen. Yeah, it's gotta, it would have been nice. It would have been nice for, of course, as you'd have thrown in that one boonish guy for us right here. Yeah, that was awesome. I just think, you know, you, you mentioned that we had to watch all five of these people

not step on the thing at each in a row, but also we got five minutes of the rules about how the trample game works. Yep. It's made, yeah, basically any trample of any kind and we let you go. No trample will get you some torture. So if you touch your foot on the stone, that's a trample. That's it. Stop on it.

If you stop your heart on the stone, that's a trample. That's a stop your heart on the stone. That's a trample. You do a cartwheel and your toe just grazes a stone. Yeah, that's a trample. But nobody old trample. So they said about back to person except one guy and

they just hold that guy out in the court. You're going like, yeah, so you know, what you think of the game last night until someone sneaks up behind him and be heads him. Oh, and it's not supposed to be a comedy moment because Andrew Garfield is like, Oh, dear Lord Jesus, I knew you would not let these people be hurt. Boy, is this proof that you wouldn't let people squunk?

Oh, well, measure twice cut once, you know, oh my God. No point wasting a perfectly good Christian. Well, and also, okay. So they're like, oh, by the way, if you guys would like to see a quick example of how not to get beheaded, here's Kachichiro. Kachichiro, he'll travel anything. Yeah, he's the Mikey from life serial commercial of Japan. Yeah. Uh-huh. So they bring him out. He's like stomps all over Jesus and runs off and they're like, yes, it's literally stomps all over Jesus and runs off and they're like, yes, it's literally that easy.

Yeah. And he just confessed five minutes ago. Yeah, exactly. All right. So then Spidey has tea with the inquisitor guy, right? Yeah. And this again, the entire fucking scene is this guy being insanely nice and trying to find a way to get through

to Andrew Garfield and to his credit, look, he gives it to him in misogyny. That's the language of the priest, right? And he explains it to him through misogy. If there's any way he's going to get it, it's going to be this, but he still doesn't fucking get it. Yeah, he literally says, your church is like an ugly barren woman to which Andrew Garfield's response is basically, oh yeah, well, I don't agree with that. Yeah, that's just like the European man.

Right, exactly. There's an amazing, right at the beginning of this, there's an amazing comedy beat where they're sitting in this beautiful room and they've given Andrew Garfield new clothes and they're sharing whatever that little miso super T is. And the in a way takes a sip and Andrew Garfield picks up these just seem to be heading. And he picks it up and he's like, what hot. Yeah. Yeah.

The way for that to protect. Yeah. Burn my fingers. And there is the again, if you told me this was intentionally comedic, I would get it. And it would be brilliant where he tries to spin out the metaphor of the ugly Baron women too far. He's like, no, but you must understand we practice binogamy, whereas you would have many Baron women. And it's always better to, ah, how many barren women do you fuck before there's a baby? What is entire solution, right?

Like Andrew Garfield suggests, and he's like, you know, the Japanese guys like, hey, man, why don't you stop being Christian and then no one has to suffer anymore. And then Andrew Garfield comes back with, or, or you could just make your entire country Christian. But Japanese guys like, look, dude, I'm asking you to do a thing that's in your power. You asked me to bring down the fucking son. I like, I like Andrew Garfield sliding his paratuse across the table. And then my favorite moment in this or possibly any movie occurs because for no apparent reason

and it would no explanation, the inquisitor just deflated. Yeah. It's not. Like what the fuck? And he just literally, it's like I had to go back and rewatch it. He was like, you missionaries do not know Japan. And then was like, you're missionaries do not know Japan. And then Andrew Garfield says, and you do not know Christianity. And then the guy, it's like somebody cut the power

to an inflatable Christian law and inquisitor. He's just, I can't see people inflatable. How did I not know this? That's crazy. It's the weirdest thing. If you, it's so, I know I can see why this would be confusing, but if you've ever talked to a Christian missionary at length, I felt exactly like that when I was gassing on talk, even I get it. I told

yeah. And that, of course, is followed by my favorite moment in the movie where I guess that's supposed the deflation is supposed to be him being sick or old and his friend comes over and he's like, oh, Mr. Inua, whatever. And he slaps him with the fan. He's like, I'm fine, Kyle. God. Really? Kyle? Come on. All right. Let's go. Get me back up to 44 PSI. Just get the bicycle pump. So the next day, like that, the, the, the, the, the equation gives up on the next day. They take his Christian peasant's away screaming and they also take him away too. They're like, we're going to have a field trip.

He's like, okay, cool. We learn here, by the way, the tiny little crucifix that, uh, that, that, that Japanese Gallagher gave him. He keeps that nearest dick at all times. So Jesus is always rubbing against his balls. And then they take him to the beach, have a nice beach day with him. Oh, yeah. And they've built a lovely makeshift set for their spring break beach interview show,

which looks nice. What the fuck was that? Oh, this is classic. Yes, you can use in front of my beach house, but you obviously can't have it in the shot. Yeah, they would have probably put up tarps, right? Yeah, for guys for guys that shave the top of their heads, they're really bad at understanding how shade works. They kind of never really get it down. Right. All right, so they're all sitting around at this spring, big interview set on the beach.

And he's like, why am I here? And he's like, yeah, right. I can see how you would have forgotten about this major character because of how long this fucking movie is. But remember Adam drivers, like I do remember Adam drivers. Like, yeah, we've got him. We're going to kill him in front of you now. Yeah.

Well, we're going to let him kill himself. I said, right, right. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, they, right, right, exactly. Yeah. They pull the peer one again. They wrap everybody a bunch of other people that aren't him in the, in the retain. Yeah. And then instead of burning him, I thought this was a clever play on the thing. They, they'd switched it up a little bit and shipped him out into the ocean and dumped

them into the water, which apparently the retain doesn't float. Yeah. Downing people in highly buoyant materials is weird. I, you know, I get how it helps when you're setting them on fire. I don't see how it helps for the drowning tortures. They just look like tostadas. Well, especially because we see them from such a distance, too. And the guys are poking them in with sticks.

Yeah. And you can see them being like, ah, distance too. And the guys are poking them in with sticks. And you could see them being like, ah, come on, get the fuck down. Oh, I'm sorry. They won't stay down. What is happening? It's almost like this retainer is the wrong thing to dress the man for this.

Scorsese is really going out of his way to make woven handicrafts the villain in the game. Ha, ha, ha, ha. He's like taking a shit at a friend's fancy party. You're like, no, stay down. No, come on. You're like laying out toilet paper on top of it. Please don't do this to me.

It's not swimming. Well, Eli, you got to go inside. You don't do it in the pool. Oh, you tell him. You tell him. By the way, if you thought that Adam Driver was not going to wildly overact and try to upstage everyone in this, in this scene just because he's two and a half miles away from the camera, you were wrong.

Oh my God, he does the weirdest. Please don't murder them. Dance in the water where he's like back no fourth. No, I'm going to swim out. No, I'm not. And it's, and then he finally swims out to where they're drowning the people. And now he's dead. How did he drowns? He drowns. Yeah. But how did he drown? Nobody was pushing on him. He was just he went out to the dying the drowning woman and hugged her until she was dead

until he was dead too. Well, if if you'd read the movie notes, you would know that that character had a terrible wicker allergy. That's what killed him out in the water. It's cut. That's in the seven hour director's cut. So and I love this moment to this was maybe just a moment for myself because I'm writing my notes. Wow.

Andrew Garfield, you just caused all of those people to die for no reason. But as I'm writing that, the translator, the Japanese translator character is going, like, look, you just caused all of those people to die for no reason. And I'm like, oh, okay, he's got it. He's just dictating my notes for me at this point. It is bizarre how unself-aware a movie that was so constantly self-aware is. It's bizarre. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So that night, Spidey is cage-satting, right? He's giving up on God or God's giving up on him. It's kind of hard to tell, but he's being super sad. They borrowed Spielberg's moon from ET for this, by the way. Did you notice that? That was a mission. That was a mission.

They cut down from a giant moon. Yeah, is Japan 20 times closer to the moon? He is. He's a frightening fucking moon. But yeah, and he's all like in there freaking out losing a shit in the cage. And they have the translator guy like about to go in and he's like, Hey man, do you want to go in and crack him? He's like, he's cracking himself right now.

So I'm in a weight. Until he's done. I did have an epiphany though, as Andrew Garfield is literally like starting to go insane. I was like, wait, wait, yes, do that. It's the only way you're actually going to hear it, God. You don't find me a hear. It'll work. All right.

So the next day they wake him up, he has a weird bitey seizure for some reason. Fun fact, for those of you interested, this is exactly what it's like to wake up Heathen right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, okay. So they take him to this Buddhist temple. And I guess they feel like he's going to be like, oh, wow, you guys have music and not masturbating too.

Oh, cool. I mean, I mean, oh my God. And the Buddhist temple, it really is like, like they're walking around and they're showing him this stuff. And it's like, look at how much better our stupid rituals are than your stupid rituals. We have chanting and incense and candles. I bet you don't have any of that in Catholicism. And what I love is they're trying to make this Buddhist temple look scary. Right. Right. So then just like, there's a scary guy. It's a scary guy. It's a scary guy. It's a scary bell. It's fucking beautiful. Yeah.

It's gorgeous. Beautiful place. And they brought him there in this weird dog house. They carried him in. Yeah. To this beautiful place to scare him. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. Because the translator guys does it to him at one point. He's like, have you guessed who's coming? And we're like, yeah, like we know Liam Neeson is in the fucking movie. There's only 40 minutes left. So clearly it's, it's, yeah, and 40 minutes in this movie sounds like, oh, it's just, it's almost over. Yeah, it's around the corner. Yeah, exactly. The credits. So Liam Neeson shows up. He's all Japanese doubt, right? Yeah. So by the way, just in case no one was paying attention, that means the entire premise

of this movie was useless, right? The reason they showed up was because they didn't believe that Liam Neeson had given up on his Christianity. He did. They were wrong. The entire movie happened for nothing. Except did he skundan. Well, and of course they have the amazing awkward small talk here. Yeah. When he sits down he's like, so how long have you been here? He's like, oh, about a year, about a year being a Buddhist. Cool. I mean,, oh, about a year, about a year being a Buddhist. Cool. Cool. I mean,

not cool, but yeah. I was, we should have written this confrontation. It's basically since then, it goes, I had a particular set of skills. Yeah. Oh, no, this is, this is when we learn that it is a really good idea to make Lee and the pursueer, rather than the person that you're supposed to find. That works out so much better. It's a much better formula. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck if Liam Nason had been looking for Liam Nason, this morning, we could have been ended in 95 minutes. All right. So we flash back to this, the moment that Liam Nason renounced his faith, right? They were doing the weird upside down head covered

torture. Oh, yeah, they gave him the upside down cocoon treatment and look at the beautiful butterfly that emerged. This is supposed to be like the ultimate torture of the movie, the one that breaks the man that turned Andrew Garfield into a priest and it's Wicker basket with upside-down head shell. Yeah. Yeah. Again, Wicker is the villain, but can I tell you when I was watching this, I didn't recognize that as as Lee Amneson because when you hang a middle-aged man over a round for a while and his face gets quite puffy.

Yeah. I had no idea who that was. Yeah. No, I got there by process of elimination myself. And also we should point out here that well he's talking about having become Buddhist. He says, and a, you know, like they were a very advanced culture here, but I'm teaching them a lot about medicine and astronomy that they didn't already know. And I'm like, oh, wow, they even found a useful thing that Catholic priests could contribute to their society.

He knows the Japanese. Yeah. The only way the irony could have been deeper is if they had been like, I mean, we just kept making our slaves when they became our religion. Yeah, not deep into that. Yep. I like Jesus. Jesus.

This is also where we learn by the way that Liam is from the Scottish part of Portugal. Yeah. And there's that amazing conversation where we watch two Christians whose own hero myth is derived from Apollo and Horace, suddenly discover the idea that almost every culture on earth worship the sun God. Sure. Oh, okay. So this is honestly one of my favorite moments. And it turns out, true, I Googled this. And this was like a big thing is that early Japanese Christians, when they said like son of God, thought that the references to Jesus and the son of God were the literal sun.

Yeah. So Liam Neeson's like, Hey, man, they think you mean the sun. And Andrew Garfield's like, Nasons like, Hey man, they think you mean the sun. And Andrew Garfield's like, no, no, no, that's how well your conversions going. They all think you mean the sun. And he's like, ah, but I should have the my little guy on a stick. How can they get that twisted? I got a little picture of him. I got the little guy. I got a bunch of little images. But again, this is absolutely doubling down on how useless this fucking movie is, right? Because they even point out at this point, it's like, hey, man, have you noticed that their Christianity is nothing at all like yours. It's actually just their tribal religions reworked with the name, you know, Deus or whatever into it. Like, that's

literally it. That's the whole fucking thing. And then he tells him, he's like, hey man, they're letting me write a bunch of books and stuff now. We're going to the book. It's called Dietribe's Negative Four. Yes. So yeah, so the translator, dude, and Liam

gives Spidey the hard sell. They're like, look man, this movie is already two hours and eight minutes in. Like can we just, can you just give up your fucking religion already? It's a very confused conversation because at one point he's saying, you know, they, they, all they understand is the sun is what they worship. And the Japanese are too stupid to cons, and they're saying this all in front of this translator that speaks English Portuguese better than they do. Yes, he has. And he's like, the Japanese are too stupid to even understand the concept of a metaphysical

Christ or whatever. And then in the next breath, he's like, they're incredibly advanced civilization. Yes. And they know way more than we do. Yeah, there's a great moment where Liam Neeson basically says, we have things that we could learn here. And Andrew Garfield's response is, you're a disgrace to Christianity. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that sounds about right. That sounds

about right. We could learn from them. No. Yeah. But we do. All right. But yeah, but Spidey's not sold. He mobs off back to prison. And then I suddenly started to get what Scorsese is doing here. And I'm like, oh no, I get it because of the runtime. I feel like a martyr now too. Oh my God. It's a torture porn, but we're the ones being tortured. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. All right. So then they, they, they march him through town and throw poop and potatoes at him again. But the inquisitors called it. He's totally be broofed this thing. He says, okay, this guy is going to apostatize tonight. Everybody show up 6 p.m. 5 p.m. Central. It's going to be great. By the way, you just used the word of the day. I think we should all be screaming because

the number of times that they use the word apostatize in this film. It's like some, the writer was like, I just learned this word. I'm using it every day. Right. It's like, you know, it's almost like there was a bet between Coppola and Scorsese. And it's like, okay, Marty, I bet you can't make a movie where you use the word trample in a pasta size 500 times each. Marty's like, it's on. So okay. So now Andrew Garfield's waiting for the big conversion away from Christianity

moment. And before he gets started, like, I guess to get him psychologically ready, they make haunted house noises at him. Okay. Again. So this is another big reveal, right, which is that, oh, he's like, he thinks the guard is snoring, but actually it's people in the upside down pits of torture, of tortured nests. But like he, instead, he calls a manager like a mom with a short haircut, excuse me. I have been in this cell for 45 minutes and the snoring and the screaming is just enough. I have given a one star review on the house.

Yes, William D. Siddh shows up to give him one last chance to end this goddamn movie already. Right. He refuses, so they drag, so the bad guys drag them out and make them look at the Christians making all those haunted house movie noises right They are all in the upside down wicker basket over the head torture right I'm so he's like hey guys that being tortured stop being Christian now trust me that's like it's okay And they like no no these guys aren't Christian anymore. We're just torturing them until you

On Jesus No, no, these guys aren't Christian anymore. We're just torturing them until you on Jesus. Right. And the noises that these people are making, they're being tortured, they're being hung upside down. And at this moment, in this movie, by this time, in this movie, I can 100% relate. Yeah. I was like, I feel you guys so hard. All right. So now they feel like they're ready, right? So they bring out the Jesus plate that everybody has to step on.

And they're like, a man, step on the Jesus, this movie has to end eventually. And then by the way, quick aside, step on your Jesus was my straight to beta max Christian jazz or size tape in 1990. So if anybody has a copy, would you please fax me your address? I'd love to see that again. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. All right, but just then as he's confronting the Jesus statue, he must step upon everything

turns silent. And then Jesus actually starts speaking to him. Yeah. The voice of Optimus Prime. Yes. And he says, he says, no, voice of Optimus Prime, and he says, no, go ahead, step on me, man, it's fine. Yeah, and for people who haven't seen it, the image of Jesus that they constantly,

these things that they make them step on are like trivets, right? They're like a steel plate that you put a casserole on out of the, just a weirdo thing. It's like a little relief statue. Oh my God, when this thing started talking to him, we literally skipped to, I was like, oh, now it's a God awful movie. It is literally no better than any David A.R. White or fucking

Bollywood nonsense that you guys have ever reviewed. We've sunk that low. Yeah. The, the only way it could have been worse is if the plate had like animated and Jesus had climbed out of it. Jesus is like, please follow me. I'll show you the way. Martyrs were more of the different times. Martyrs were making all the kinds of grines. It turns into a musical.

Yeah. If he came out of that like a T 1000, that would have been incredible. Okay, I know that actually would have been better. But okay, but now Garfield's ready. So he steps on Jesus and like a goddamn champ, right? Yeah, he just tried to get something out. Well, Jesus gave him fucking permission.

Now it's totally cool, but he's really needed to go back and be like, oh, shit, all of those other people should have just done it. Oh, I get it. Yeah. And so he's finally broken. And I feel like this is a moment every Trump higher shares that next year smelling a filet of fish. Well, you're made to stomp on any credibility or reputation you had. And he patch your ass and goes off to watch reruns of TJ Hooker. Well, you collapse in a puddle of shame tears. Same thing. No, pretty much. Yeah.

All right. And so now all the children are chanting, Adam, for being such a shitty Christian. And then a whole new voiceover starts up. Oh my God. 15 minutes from the credits and suddenly a Dutch guy's telling us this fucking story. I thought I was having a stroke. I thought literally I thought the movie was starting over again, and I was just caught in some sort of satanic time warp that was just going to keep playing

this or some sort of band or stuff. It was happening. I didn't know what was going on. Yeah, so the Japanese again, after all the kindness and indulgence, not only did they not torture and kill this guy, they gave him a job at the TSA, right? So now he's shaking down Dutch people who want to trade with Japan, but would jeopardize the whole thing by trying to sneak one rosary in. Yeah, they've gone full Christianity rats. They're so sleuths. So that's the most fucked up thing about this movie is that it's not even a story of

martyrdom. It's a story of like murdering a bunch of other people and then giving up when it's your own life on the fucking line, right? Because then they sell out Christians for a living for the rest of their lives. Why are you telling us this story? Giving up for a life of leisure? Yeah, yeah, they even give Liam and Andrew Garfield wives and kids and shit. Which is not gonna be wrong. That's weird for them for the wife and the kid. That's fucking weird, but it's a pretty good deal for these guys.

Yeah. Can you imagine how hard it was for Andrew Garfield's new wife when her friend got Qui-Gon-Jin and she's like, oh my husband's dead. I wonder which white guy. Oh, the bad spider, the bad spider. This is bullshit. Who was the other choice, Kylo Ren? Okay, I'll take it. I love the Trump here too, that for the Dutch guy, it's incredibly weird in 1740 to see somebody who's not from a country in another country stuck there, right? Like, you guys know much about 1740. People stuck in countries they didn't want to go to. It was a thing. It was very common.

So we have one more scene with the inquisitor and Spidey. This is the one where they give him the wife as a bonus for finding crosses on Dutch people. And the inquisitor at this point basically says, Hey, man, you know, don't beat yourself up about this. You weren't defeated by me, the inquisitor. You were defeated by the fact that your mission was fucking stupid. Yeah. Also, by the way, my favorite, my second favorite moment in this movie happens in this scene, they're having his conversation. And then suddenly suddenly for no reason, we're seeing it sort of over the inquisitors shoulder, we're seeing a shot of Andrew Garfield and then the inquisitor

bends down and starts scooching towards him. And the shot is framed such that all we can see of the inquisitor is his poke out ponytail. It's like the blow job shark is about to attack. It's the weird thing I've ever seen in my life. They're incredible hosts. They're incredible hosts. No, so sweet there. Honestly, they're really, really, if they had just, if they'd had of all the inquisitors line up to blow Andrew Garfield at the end of this, it would just be emphasizing the point they already made, right? And a single tear rolls down Andrew Pioz.

Say sadly. Well, I don't, I don't want to be a swamp Nazi here, but the whole hinge of the conversation is nothing grows in a swamp. I'm sorry. Have you been to Louisiana? Right? And you've been to a swamp. She's growing all over the fucking place. That's what makes it a swamp. It's the most verdant place on earth. Yeah, right. It's a jungle full of water.

Yeah, they're like, yeah, Christianity can't grow in Japan because Japan's a swamp. Okay, you just don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, right, right. Not only is the analogy wildly offensive, but it's also wrong. Like the rest of the movie. Right, right. Exactly. All right. So whatever happened to Kachichi, but it's also wrong. Like the rest of the movie. Right. Right. Exactly.

All right. So whatever happened to Kachitjiro, this movie can't end until we see him again. Literally everyone in this movie. We need to find out about everyone in this movie. Yeah. Optimus Christ even makes a comeback here. Or what? Yeah.

But so you go. You so we're back in. We're in Spider-Man's house that he got for free. And a small note that he's got another man's little boy in his house. So not much has changed for Catholic priests in 300 years. That's also how many years later is this supposed to be because he hasn't aged at all. I feel like I've aged 10 years during this movie. And he looks the same. I love Jesus showing up to make excuses too. He's like, look, I know that the name of the movie is silence because I never said anything,

but I was talking to you the whole time. I just speak silent language. And the movie's like, right, oh, of course, silence. Langmissed. Yeah. Was I the only one who felt like Jesus was just gaslighting him this whole time? Yes. This is the, oh, you didn't get my email of religion.

You know, you know what it is? I've been, I got a Gmail account, and so it's going into a lot of people spam folders. But it is. Yeah, it's hard. It's, again, it's another horrible, you know, milestone in this movie. It's like, oh, I was there all along. I was just letting you hang out in the wind. It's like, yeah, right, right. It's much worse if you were there the whole time. Right.

Where you are, I'm nip in it that whole time. Do okay. Just checking. Just checking. If it turns on and off, no, okay. All right. So good. All right, but eventually, okay, so then they have this, get another God damn scene where they show that everyone had to step on Jesus every week or so, you know, just to make sure that the Christianity didn't set back in. Oh, and I wanted them to cut to him like scheduling his week, like, okay, so honey, Thursday, I have to go step on Jesus.

You know I have to go step on Jesus on Thursday. I want you to see your friends. on Thursday. I want you to see your friends. Of course I want you to see your friend. Don't do this. You're mad. You're mad. Yeah. Okay. So then Andrew Garfield is crushed and gives up on his dreams because this movie is about absolutely nothing and then he dies still being an apostate. So it was also about nothing ever. So apparently he died by getting stuck in a bucket. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah, they gave him a nice little death bucket. And then also, by the way, okay, so if you're Christian, does he then burn in hell forever now? Who knows? I know you was home. They did psych us out. He was holding the little dick Jesus that he had been keeping this whole time. So we did still have his dick Jesus.

I guess that's fine. That his involuntary wife somehow secreted into his bucket. Right. Yes. Along with the paper, which was weird. It was like, don't forget to write. All right. So and then the movie's over in hooray, it's finally fucking over and all,

but here's my, this is the obvious question to close on because if you based it simply on your game experiences, right? If you set aside everything that you know outside of Who's the better director between David A.R. White and Martin Scorsese to you guys? I had to think about it. That's my fucking point. You didn't have to think about it. I'm not allowed professionally to answer that question. I will throw it at you. I'm under several NDAs right now.

I've been in trouble already. I need a pseudonym for just this episode. Right. Look, I'm sort of in the film industry a little bit too, because I do some acting here in there in films, but I probably have a better shot at getting into an AR White film, so I'm just going to go with him. Yeah, right. Good point for us, David.

If you're listening to this, stop making movies after this. This movie was so bad that Martin's not allowed to make movies anymore. Mark can make you some props that look like real things. This is the beginning of a beautiful. Yeah. I will make you a war hammer. You cannot believe. Yeah.

All right. Well, guys, obviously we've had a ton of fun hanging out with you. But if our listeners aren't done with you, where can they go to find some more? I know where we've decided to give up on life after having to watch this movie. I get it. I get it. We'll find them hanging upside down with their heads and wicker bass. Yeah, exactly. No, we're, you know, the how-to heretic is the name of our show. And that's on all the places where you go to get podcasts or you can listen to Thank God, I'm Atheist, which is my other little program. Yeah. So find us there. It's really easy or I'm pretty, I hang

out a lot on Twitter at how to heretics. So come see me. Awesome. And of course, we'll have the Twitter and the link to the podcast on the show notes for this episode. Guys, thanks so much for hanging out. Oh my God. Such a good time. Thanks again. Next time, please pick a really super shitty movie and something short, right? Like it. Okay, speaking of which, that does it for our review of silence. Eli, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to fire you up for next week. So tell us what significantly shorter film is on deck. The laws of eternity. We're not done with Japan just yet. This is the, uh, the first in a series of film from the happy science cult. Oh, good.

All right. That should be fun. All right. So with that, the look forward to we're going to bring episode 180 to a merciful close once again. Huge thanks to Dan and Mark for hanging out with us today in an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com.

slash god off on there by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by legal five store review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating and the citation needed in the skeptic right available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments or cinematic suggestions, you can email God off on movies at gmail.com Legal Services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P Andrew Torrance. Tim Robertson takes care of our social media. Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan

Slotkin, Elviva, Draftrafson Mars, although the music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week. For Heathen, Radio, Lightbusting, I'm an illusion, sprung into work hard, and another chunk next week until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Inquisitor Inoue spent his remaining days at Gay bars giggling about how he personally defeated Christianity until finally at age 107, he caught his elbow on a nail and fully deflated. Puss, trot! Flew around the room like a balloon. Kichijiro goes from zero to hero by becoming the Japanese national speed record holder in the trample confess trample confess trample barrel race. It turns out that Jesus had a foot fetish this whole time. America super duper hoped nobody in Japan saw this.

Oh my God, so true. I just felt that. I just felt that. Wow, that's Yeah. He went straight to his feet southern gentleman. I went straight to the Graham. He'll shit on that plate. Now he will take that plate of shit actually. Yes. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved