God Awful Movies - 182: Gam182 The First Valentine and Love is for the Byrds

Episode Date: February 12, 2019

This week, we find a guest masochist so masochistic she married Eli; and she joins us for a Valentine's double-feature where we break down "The First Valentine", the story of pedophilia not being as uncomfortable to movie goers in the 60s, and "Love is for the Byrds", the tale of misogyny writing a movie. --- To come see us live in Denver, [click here](https://theorientaltheater.com/event/332075/God-Awful-Movies-LIVE-in-Denver). To hear some of Anna's music, [click here](https://www.annabosnick.com/). --- If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

Yeah, she finds some weird stuff in the bedding too, like she's like, oh, there's something in here and there's like a teddy bear and then she finds something else and she's like disgusted by it and I couldn't see what it was because the video was old and gray and I was like, it looked kind of like cheese. Who's it? Cheese. Baby Heath runs in the room. That's my later cheese.

Fuck you. Baby Heath runs in the room. That's my later cheese, fuck you! May my SNES love leader cheese! It is bad. Oh my god. Having some later cheese alone in your house. Not awful. Movie. Movie. Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be host Noah Luzon's and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and right. Heath, welcome back. Thanks Noah. So you know, who'd be a great politician?

Who's that? Al Jolson. Al Jolson. I'm amazing. I'm a Democrat politician. Qualified. I'm sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnichela. How are you this fine afternoon, sir?

I'm amazing Noah. Thank you for asking. Glad that Heath is back. I had friend Eli Bosnick Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm amazing Noah. Thank you for asking. Glad that Heath is back. In case you were wondering, yes, it was Steve buying his ticket that brought him back. Yeah. Oh, okay. All right.

Steve, you did it. Steve did it on everybody's behalf. And here's when you might not have expected sitting to Eli's immediate right as our special guest massacres today, the one and only Anna Bosnicknick Anna. Hi how the hell did Eli talk you into this? Uh, you know Noah? I'm not gonna say why but I'll just say it has to do with a Because it's our Valentine's day. It's Valentine's day And what better way to show you love someone to expose them to old time misogyny times

too. I'm not going to let you know that there might be a divorce coming. Right. No, yeah. I've noticed that repeatedly in the notes, there's like legal language in there. At one point, there's a there's an order there that he has to disclose all his finances. Okay. It's weird.

All right. So the listeners are dying to know, will you angrily storm off at some point in this record? You know, Noah, I tried. I tried and then realized I couldn't and had to storm right back into the room and turn the movie back on. Well, see, that's what cracks me up about when Eli says, and this is the point where Anna storms out of the room. And I'm just like, well, that's one of the points where I stormed out of the trail. Right? I mean, yeah. Okay.

So tell us, Keith, what will we be breaking down today? First. Yeah. We watched two different movies again, just to be clear. First up, we watched the first Valentine. It's the story of that time, the home art company invented Valentine's Day in third century Rome. Also about how God loves spending time with blind people.

And Eli, how bad was that movie? Well, if you love Roman fertility rituals, but you wish they had more children pretending to be blind, you will love this movie. And that's, by the way, that's an exhaustive list of the people who will like this movie, right? All right. Yep. So that's what we we that's what we watched first. Get excited. And Noah, want to tell us what we'll be breaking down second. Yeah. Okay. So we also watched love is for the birds. This is another BYU production. It's the story of a couple of boring people realizing that they're really, really boring and not realizing that makes for a bad

movie premise. Yeah. Yes it is. And I've never gotten to ask this before. So Anna, how bad was that movie? Well, if you listen to Godothal movies, but you have never actually made it all the way through a single one of those movies, you will want to kill yourself. Fuck this movie.

Fuck this podcast. Fuck you Eli. I wanted a horse already. Yeah, we're in the end of segment. You got to put headphones on them. That's the way. Get the laugh of those spider-man's. I'm getting.

Happy Valentine's Day, guys. This is the Valentine's Day. We do. Valentine's Day, guys. This is the Valentine. Valentine. Valentine. Okay. So one question before we get to the best worse, I'm going to ask you guys of the two of these, which was more romantic? Was it the one with the, with the elderly fella and the, and the 14 year old girl? Or what you think? I'm going to stop you right there. No, it's a. I like my child porn unsuddle. I got to

say honestly that the fuck up thing is though, that's also the right answer. Right between the romance between the two of them. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. So I'm going to let you guys use either if you want here. Is there anything you guys want to nominate one of these for being the best at being the worst at? Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst blind person solid solid. Yeah, one of the main characters in the first movie we're doing is supposed to be a blind little girl allegedly allegedly. Yes, that is the correct phrasing, Anna Bosnick. She is incapable of remembering what that means. And so is

everyone involved in the movie. She's like, lock in eyes with people. She's running through obstacle courses. She runs through a DMV and she's like, A X B D RT by no. Oh, we'll talk a lot about that. I think, Andy, you got any best worsts? Oh, yeah. And I'm going to nominate both of them for this one. I'd say best worst hats. Ooh.

That is a boulder, because you do, you have the world's weirdest football helmet. Oh. And you have hair cheese. Yeah. Yeah. It's not inaccurate. Yeah. No. By the end of this whole thing, we're going to have a woman who is very worried

about static cling on her head. I was going to go with best worst lady thoughts, right? So it's always uncomfortable when you see like the guy is writing what the woman is thinking. Like some guys are great at that. Some guys can really do that and make an effort at being good at that. When do a Whitaker, not one of them guys, not like, you know, if you could probably tell by the name, I feel like I can.

So like there's a moment in the second movie where several moments where the woman's having an interdialogue and it is the most banal, misogynistic imagining of what is going on in women's heads. Yep. Oh, it's just like I deserve this. Yes. It's my fault. He beats me. No, we already did that, movie Anna. Get well. Yeah. All right. I'm going to go with another one for both best worst wedding dresses. Yes. We have a choice in these two films between every wedding of Anna's friends ever and mummies. So there's every wedding Anna's ever told me to be quiet during and a bride who looks

like she should be in a battle with Brendan freithier. Look forward to him. All right, well, we've got double the dumbassery for you this week. So we're going to keep the break brief and we come back. We'll dive into all the child porn preludes of the first Valentine. Hi, I'm your friends, cousins roommate. And I'm a guy who shakes hands too hard. We're here on behalf of the National Coalition of Duschbags who make websites. For being tagged on Facebook to line about our prices on Fiverr and CDWMW assures that

when you build a website it takes not days, not months, but years. And that's why it's so important that you don't go to wix.com. Don't use wix.com. I mean sure, wix has easy to use drag and drop tools to make building a beautiful website of breeze. Whereas when you ask us a question, we'll respond so slowly that your answer will be dated like a 90s comedy.

And yeah, with wix, there's no need to know HTML or CSS. And with us, we'll literally speak fake code jargon at you if you ask us to change something until you either give us money or stop asking. When I built a website using Wix, I was able to set it up fast with one of their 500 templates as well as start and publish for free. So I think like the email will be ready in five months. Make that 15 months. Oh, good. Yeah. When I used Wix, all the tools I need were already there unlimited storage, a custom domain, email addresses for your business, email marketing tools, they even have a dedicated support team who helped me along the way. I mean, you can text me, but I'm mostly just going to ignore it or I'm going to reply that I'm moving right now, like as though that was a response. So please, on behalf

of overpriced website, douchebags everywhere, do not get started now by going to wix.com. That's wix.com slash podcast to get 10% off wix.com slash podcast! Don't do that! Hey, that reminds me, could you guys help me with uh... Moving, moving, right now? So much moving, my girlfriend's moving too. Are you a Christian? Are you in love? Well, come on down to Tony D's house of Christian love.

Where we got all the non-fucking parts of love to fill your hearts, desire this Valentine's Day, we got talking and not fucking. I like musicals. Yeah, musicals are okay, I guess. We got eating and not fucking. Hey, you want to make a 94-course meal? Sure, I guess. And of course, we got a ton of fighting and not fucking. Oh my god, do you have to tink your fork like that? Don't kill it me! Ah, my balls are forcing me into a split! Don't eat these houses, Christian love.

This... This is fine. And we're back for the breakdown, and we're gonna start off with a title screen that says, Hey, look, there's a cross on this little heart. Don't worry, Noah, there's totally counts. I like it. Yeah. And along with the title, the only thing it says on the screen is stereo sound in very bad. Yeah.

They are both ear. Both ear. They're stereo. So some critics are calling in stereo from start to finish. All right. So the movie starts out, leisure suit Larry's Pimp is here to teach Roman history. It's like I want an outfit that says, I hunt Mexicans in casual comfort.

Yeah. And not just any Roman history, he's teaching them about Luparcalia. Yeah, they first thought they're doing a school play about Luper Callia, the festival of running around naked whipping people with sacrificial goat skins. Yes, yes, they're having a fucking middle school celebration of fucking the Roman celebration of boobs that involves nudity, dog murder, slapping each other with shreds of dead goats. And by the way, a key party. That was the main part of Lupert Gallia, which apparently they're gonna, they're gonna re-institute in this middle school. Yeah. They re-enact that right now. That is the, that is the inciting incident of this movie is. Nobody wants to fuck the girl with glasses. The girl with glasses, by the way, who I have as American girl, don't Molly.

And I know that some 90s kids out there will get that. Okay. All right. Yeah. He gets it. So, yeah. So what happens? They have their little lubrically of thing.

And then they go around and they give all the boys in class of flower that they make to one of the girls. So they're just pairing them off into little heterosexual couples. Do they have to fuck now? I mean, it's better than most public schools. It's just it's just direct for my kids. Yeah, call me old fashioned. But of course, one boy gets the flower. He has to give it to gross nerdy girl in glasses. And everyone in the entire class is like, you gross nerdy girl in glasses. Yeah, it's supposed to be the she's all that girl. Yeah, right.

I don't do it very well. I wanted to see that moment, the like she's all that moment, keep firing too early in the movie. She just pulls out the hair pencil, shakes it out, the music's going, and everyone's like, no, no, you're not. It's not. It's just. No, you're not.

You're alone with the teacher. What's going on? Well, well, well, you did that. You had a. We do the music. It's in the script. Just relax. So yeah, okay.

So the bell rings and all the kids, I love this too. By the way, as the kids are running out, the teacher says, don't forget, you know, it's the last week on Roman history. So we're going to close things off by learning the important shit Valentine's day. Yeah. The last day of Roman history week, she's what else could they possibly do on that? What like the fall of Rome? Yeah, I can see why the Christians don't want to talk about that. I wanted them to just

be like, all right, remember kids next week we're doing the Bach guy. Be ready for your blood sacrifice Tyler looking at you. Every blood sacrifice is your own. Jesus. Okay, but so the kids are all leaving and he stops tests. That's nerdy girl with glasses on Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,'ve got you. Okay. This scene is uncomfortable. My notes are just, oh, I think I rented child porn by accident. This was the first moment where I was in this movie. Only the first moment of this movie where I was like, oh, wow, Eli tricked me into watching porn again. Yeah. Right.

For classic. Yeah. We are not exaggerating. By the way, no, extraordinarily weirdly sexual moment between this old man and this high school student. And she's like, please don't make me hand in that report tomorrow. How can I ever convince you to give me an extension, so to speak? Oh, it really is that bad too. To the point where he says, you know, I want to give you a very special book that my grandfather gave to my grandmother on their wedding day.

It's got over 800 fuck positions in it with pictures. What? I was like, oh shit, he's going to give her the Bible. And then I'm like, oh, cool. It's not the Bible is just not history. Yeah. It's a different theological A history. Honestly, between the comma sutra and the Bible is just not history. Yeah. It's not history. Different theological A history. Honestly, between the comma sutra and the Bible, which do you want a teacher to give

your middle schooler? Which do you want to teach your teacher? Pretty obvious answer there. Okay, but no, but the book is the first Valentine. You see, we're going to princess bride our way into this movie, right? And grandfather gave this to grandma on their wedding day. That's just like a weird, weird thing to do and just like, wanted to be like hollowed out and there's like a strap on for pegging inside.

It's like, I'm digging a book. It's digging a book, girl. So in this book lies salvation. Yeah. All right, so now we move into the story proper. Uh, nerdy girl and glasses doesn't have glasses anymore. She is Theodora, a Roman peasant girl. And she's blind loser. Yeah. And in these movies, these uh, period films, there's seems to be no better way to show that a character has a really tough life than to, you know, completely cover them and shit.

Yes. Like just head to toe, mad at hair. Like the costume designer gave her a shit bindi. Like, it's a dot on her forehead. I feel like, I feel like poor people were smudgy or back then. Can we make a show? Also, do the people who made this movie think that before canes blind people just wandered around with their hands out in front of them. When do they think the cane was invented?

There was this movie brings up questions. There were so many things they didn't get about being blind. For example, when the narrator is saying like all the other kids picked on her from being blind, they show a bunch of kids who have put on wolf masks to fuck with the blind girl. They're like, one of them steps was unnecessary. Okay, so she's walking through with her little jug or something and suddenly we see this Roman cat calling soldier guy, right? Yeah, cat calling serious ancient Roman problem. Yeah, we haven't gotten much better at it.

Yeah, and he thinks about fucking the blind kid, but nah, he's gonna whipper instead. Yeah, he's like, I would fuck anything that moves and then he grabs the blind grosses except for this filthy blind girl with the shit on her face. Yeah, so just a review on their wedding night, grandma and grandpa were hanging out and they're reading this book. Grandpa's reading it lovingly to grandma on their wedding night. And then a Roman guy thought about fucking a blind girl. And then he was like, man, that's gross. She's blind. I'll win. I'm married just fun today.

So yeah, so the soldiers like I'm going to whip you because nobody loves you. And just then this dude shows up and it's the teacher guy, right? But he's dressed as a captain eyebrow. Captain eyebrow six. Oh my God. It's like he's saving him up in case he needs a comb over later. That's something people do. You're being weird about it.

Right, but he says, he thinks the priest is like, I'm gonna whip you because nobody loves you. And Roman guy stops this, holds this ristus, but God loves her. Not like eyesight loves. He doesn't love. Less than a time with her. Most people. And there's this amazingly bad blocking here because the Roman soldiers like I have no choice

to respect your robes one second. I'm about to exit the scenes. I'm going to tell this other line to your other ear. I do not take orders from a civilian. All right. Exit. The unity theater levels bad. Oh, there are people running into each other in the background, right? Like comically bad football. It's, yeah, it's, it's some, oh, but then the mean soldier guy realizes that this old eyebrow guy might just be a Christian. He says, you know, we do the Christians around here, right?

We break their pots. Spills. That's what happens to Chris. That was, I thought it would be more intimidating. Okay. I'll workshop that. So Valentine gives the girl his water, he's fancy rich person water dragon.

He goes, it's the color of sunshine over a storm. And I just was like, dude, dick move. Yeah, he's working. No, that you know what that is. But yeah, stupid. Sorry. Uh, it's, uh, it's the color of, uh, how blue gatorade tastes. No. Well, maybe he forgot she was blind because she was looking him directly in the goddamn eyes through this entire scene. Yep. So fucking bad.

Okay. So, yes. So the soldiers broken her water jug. He gives her a nice fancy water jug with a heart on it. And then they go to fill up the new water jug. This is when he reveals that he's Valentine. Yes, the Valentine. And they steal our bit from Bible B's theater.

She's like, who's this lady with you? And he's like, oh, she's my servant and friend and added and friend. So that is all nice Valentine. Nice slave owner. This guy surrounds himself with like attractive young, young women. So I'm just like, who is this other child that he owns? Yeah. Right. The Harvey Weinstein of his fucking day over here. And she's like, but I hate being blind. Everybody hates blind people. And Valentine goes, no, no, Christian God is, is into blind chicks. Yeah. He's a king. He's, he's not very physically attractive. Yeah, this is it.

He wants you to love him back as Ben. That's probably best if you're blind. And okay. And then then he gives her the line about like, you know, how God knows all the stars and the skies and every hair on your head. And as he's saying that, he starts playing with her hair. This is like a 60 year old man and a 13 year old girl. I just wrote my notes.

No touching, no touching. Yeah. He's like, God knows everything. He knows the stars by name your hair every hair on your head, every origins of the particles of feces or cakes to your face right now. This one was from a goat. Oh, yeah. Loves every hair on your body as well. Let's get all the know. No.

Corn, not hair on your body. This is the second time in the movie I was convinced you had tricked me into watching porn. We're having a good time. You want to, you want to hang out and name some colors later? Sorry, smells. You want to hang out and name some colors later. Sorry, smells. You want to name smells? I don't know. All right. So now we cut to Valentine performing a secret Christian wedding. Ancient Harry Krishna theme wedding. Or as I wrote in my notes, every wedding in the state of Washington, my wife has brought me to. Or all the ones that she hasn't brought you to, Eli's face there. I don't think we need to play mana for this.

Yeah, but his Valentine's slave girl is the bride to be. And she's marrying a Roman soldier who got her a nice little golden cross from cage jurors. It's amazing. I wrote my notes. Oh, Marcus, it's from the future. Like the distant future. It's a cold fusion necklace. Yes.

Easy. All right, but so just that, though, just as they're getting to the end of the wedding, the soldiers storm in the Roman soldiers and check to see if it's a Christian wedding. Oh, it's incredible. The, the, the soldier is supposed to be shouting something, but he's on a horse and no one knows how to mic him. Oh, God. So he's just like, I clop clop clop clop clop clop clop. Right. But what he's supposed to be saying that we don't hear is basically like, hey, everybody just riding around making sure all the weddings are pagan and definitely not

Christian. Just checking on that and Valentine's, you know, the officiant to this secret Christian wedding. And he's like, I know, pronounce you husband and wife. Christianly dammit. Oh, my God. What's on me, Hagen? You said Christian, what did I, what was the last thing you heard? I have a PBA card. Don't arrest me. Get, well, right, right.

No, okay. So I'm sorry, I can't get to the end of the scene before we take a minute to talk about the hats. Yes, yes, the hat. I alluded to them earlier. So until now all the helmets in this thing were obviously football helmets that have been spray painted silver. Yeah, with the face masks taken off. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, exactly. Had a little little, they taped a little broom to the top of them. Yeah. But this guy, this guy has, so you know, like the little plastic night helmets from the 90s that were supposed to be one size fits all, but literally fit nobody. If you had a nose, you couldn't get the visor down, but if you were young enough to actually put the visor down, the helmet was too big and too small at the same time somehow. So he's got this helmet on.

This is what this guy has, it's like jammed it on. Like his cheeks are spilling out of the sides. He really talked like this. I can only imagine at the end of the day, he needs like five people helping him get it off and when he finally gets it off, it makes like a sound. He's going, no, no, you have to push down and then twist people. Exactly. So they arrest everyone except Valentine. Yeah. Who literally goes, don't worry. God is with you. I mean, I'm not. I'm going to stay here. We over here. But God, big fan. God told me to stay here. Make sure all your slave stuff is cool. Nothing happens to that. I'm going to hang this is all part of the plan. He said you're just stop resisting.

Brons lives matter. Oh God. All right. So now we cut to blind girl. She's sneaking around her house. She it's late that night. She's been out all day blinding. So she's exhausted. But when she comes home, she starts counting the hairs on her sleeping dads head until he wakes up and says, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, he's like, are you stealing my hair? What the fuck? No, no, I was counting it. Like now it made sense. And then she's like, uh, can you name some adjectives for my hair?

Please, dad, okay, nothing was sight-based, no sight-based adjectives. But other ones, dad's like, oh my God, this is fucking nightmare. I don't, dirty, I don't fucking know. You're always dirty. Yeah, she is caked in even more dirt. I think this is where I realized that every scene she consecutively appears in, she's gonna have more dirt on her. Yeah, right.

Like, she had to roll around twice in the road between each of them. Yeah. You really need the eye black, is there a lot of glare when you're like, fielding fly balls there and center field, a lot in person? Also the, when she asks him what her hair is like, she asks them these very strange things. She's like, is it warm like sunlight or cool like shadow? Like, can she also not feel? Yeah, she wants to know about her hair, preferably in the form of Chintzine

1940s Broadway musical lyrics. Anyway, but okay, but her dad is the jailer, right? So just then the soldiers come and say, hey, we've got all these Christians from the last scene. We need to throw them in jail for being so Christian. And he's like, I really ties together well. I guess that's why I'm the jailer, huh? Right. And most importantly, the husband of Valentine's slave, he's a soldier. So he's not just going to jail. He has been sentenced to die. Yeah. Right. For showering wrong. I had nothing for this scene.

I, my, so it's weird. Something strange happened in my brain where I realized for the first time that I physically couldn't get up and leave the room because I was bored. Like this was the moment I'd usually put in the headphones and start playing Hungary Shark, but I had to keep watching the movie.

So my brain had this weird moment where I kept on opening Hungary shark on my nine times. And I have to be like, Oh, shit, no, this movie's for me. I got to put it down. Oh, shit. Oh, God, I do that all the time. I saw Hungary shark. It's candy crush. I do that all the time. Right. Like I just be sitting there playing every one of the crush. And I'll just like, Oh, fuck, I'm taking notes. This movie from me.

Fuck. When I was bartending, I just sit like, oh fuck, I'm taking notes. This is a mess. This movie for me. Fuck. When I was bartending, I just sit down and start drinking whiskey sometime. Yeah. Mother, it's fuck. I'm on the other side. I'm just gonna get paid for this. We said I tipped myself well.

All right. So the next day, Theodore goes to meet with her new sugar daddy. I mean, honestly, we're not exaggerating. At this point, these two are literally holding hands as they walk through the square together. Oh, my, he goes, so how are my friends? She's like, not good. Did you, did you think that when the Roman soldiers took them away to throw them in prison?

I would report back that they were great. I mean, I'm covered in shit for just being near the prison. Yeah, so she tells them like, well, the husband dude is gonna die. The others are also gonna have it bad, but more in a vague kind of way, I guess. I mean, he's like, oh, if only I could get them letters. And she's like, I don't think that would fucking help.

I feel like nail files, you know? Like, uh, make a cake, put a nail file. Yeah, right, right. And she's like, well, I can't get the letters to you to them because I'd get caught with them and I go to jail, but I can memorize the messages and tell them what you want to say.

Right. He's like, Lord, tell me what to do. How do I get these messages to my people? And she's like, I just said, just, just, just say him to me. I just told you that in my own moment. He's like, shh, please do not interrupt. I'll say them to you. Thank you, God. He acts like he's never heard of word of mouth before. Right. What will I do? I can't text or call or email or write a letter. Yeah. All of the shorthands for speech have been denied to me.

What is left? Yeah, also, I know teenage girls. This is not going to go well. What word from Valentine? Like, oh my God. So on the way here, I ran to Claire and Esa, you know, Titus' sister, and she was like, oh my God, so on the way here, I ran to Claire and S.A. You know, Titus' sister, and she was like, oh my God, that's cute. And I was like, thank you. But now I'm like, was she being sarcastic?

Because like, whatever if she was. But if she wasn't, that's like, right. What's the worst? This is Valentine's message right here. No, I'm just saying. Okay, we're in prison awaiting death. Could we maybe just fucking talk? Yeah, I hate you so much.

Yeah, you've done this fun. It's fun. So anyway, I asked Titus if his sister hates me and he was like, why? And I was like, you know why? And she saw me with the... Oh my God. She saw me the other day and told me that my outfit was cute and he was like, you know why? And she saw me with the... Oh my God. She saw me the other day and told me

that my outfit was cute and he was like, You know, this was probably a bad choice by the way. Yeah, definitely a bad choice. You guys know if Theodore is seeing anyone or like, she's blind. She, great. That's ideal. I mean, that's how it's going to go.

It is. That is. Okay, but, but, okay, but there's another problem though. He's like, well, how will they know that you're not lying to them? And this isn't all a trick. And she's like, cause I'm a 13 year old kid covered in shit. He's like, nope, nope, not enough. Get Bill Day holiday around that.

And just then a kid walks by and accidentally spills some red ink on some parchment and that gives him an idea. And it turns into a Russell Stover's box of chocolates shaped like a heart. No, no, it turns into the shitty homemade hearts. Yeah, right, right. So, okay, so he tears out little hearts from this red paper and she's like, give each of them one of these little paper hearts and then that way they'll know that they're from me and she's like, why?

We haven't established the heart matters yet. Exactly. I wanted her to correct him. He's like, okay, you realize this is dumb, right? You're like, you're a Valentine. That idea doesn't exist. It has to eventually get named after you. You're a man.

You're a dumb. Yeah, but apparently that's could have worked out. Okay, so she goes to deliver all the little paper hearts in the messages. And I love the way she does this too, because she doesn't come in and give a preamble that's like, hey, I'm the jailer's daughter. He wanted to write you letters, but I couldn't get those in. So I just memorized them for you. So here's one today, right? She just walks in there and says, Dave, I am Valentine.

Your friend and mentor and they're like, no, you're definitely not, right? And I really wanted to see like other flash cuts to her just doing this at every cell in the prison. Dave, it is I, no, cell three. Okay, which direction am I facing? The North. My North for your North. We have the same North.

That's why North exists. Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling. I am suggesting. But yeah, but okay, but she also, so she gives a bunch of the messages out. She also gives one to Lydia, but she's also has Lydia's little cross, right?

The little cross necklace that she got with wedding. And she's like, I thought maybe you could get some use out of this. So so Lydia's like, Oh, that's great. But I would kind of rather he has it since he's going to die and there are symbols all about death. And she's like, Oh, you want me to run you down there so you can give it to him? Yeah, she does not think of, you know, helping them escape. She's really just there for the conjugal visit.

I can clearly, clearly she's like, I can get the keys out. They're right over here. The jaylor's asleep. I'll get the keys and I'll sneak you down there. It's like, well, you've got the keys and the jaylor's asleep. Hold on. She doesn't just get the keys. Like they try to make it look like she's like feeling the guard to where the keys are. With a moment where I realized she can fucking see. There's a moment where she's like, oh, I'm gonna touch and to see, no, I better not touch the guy that's right in front of my face or the wall and just suddenly out of nowhere, her hand knows exactly where the keys are hanging.

And she gets it into the keyhole on the first fucking try this girl can fucking see she's a liar Gold breaker the fucking gold breaker When she lets her out I really wanted someone to just point out that they could escape right now My lady follow me you're helping me escape My lady, follow me! You're helping me escape? No, I'm taking you to your husband. I said, so you can give him this cross. Or, or, or you could help us both escape from the jail.

And not die. Oh, well, but do you not long to see your love again? Yeah, but you know we could just leave and I could see him all I want Right Tell you what you wait here. I'm gonna go for a quick visit and I'll be right back. Okay. Okay. I am definitely coming back Don't worry. Got got it I'll be here yeah that would have changed the movie quite a bit but there is this great moment that I love because she does let them out their head now to see her husband and

she's like oh but how will we find our way through this dungeon in the dark blind girl oh shit sorry. Sorry. Sorry. As soon as I sat in I knew my man. Have you seen my husband? Oh my God. Sorry. Change the subject. Have you seen any good movies? Oh, damn it. What's it like to have eyes? Damn it. So, listen to podcast. All right. So she takes the video, the wife, down to see her husband so they can meet for one last kiss.

Yeah. And again, the blind girl, allegedly blind girl is leading the way through this dungeon, just like really quickly she She's jumping over stuff. Like, all right, left it the barrel. Like noise. The left. The noise of the barrel here sitting there. You're a liar. It sounds slushy, you see? But yeah, but, but of course, right when Lydia gets to the husband and they embrace one last time, douchebag cat, callie Roman guards shows up. He's like, aha, she was trying to escape. Now we'll kill her too.

And it's amazing. So the adora tries to help them escape by putting out a torch, but then literally there are other torches on the exact wall. And he's just like, I mean, you made one of the torches in the room, Wes. It's dim in here. It's now damn to the makers of this film, not know how to shoot darkness. They do not, they don't know how to shoot lightness Eli. I mean, yeah, you're asking a lot, but yeah, but the idea is supposed to be that she douses

the torch. So now she has the advantage because she's blind and she can escape. Except that, like you said, the room is still completely lit. Which is hilarious to think about like she thinks it's dark because she doesn't know about the other torches. If she's started doing a, if she started doing a villain monologue like she splashes out the one torch, no, the score is even, I don't want to interrupt you. Where am I? I'm holding it.

Excuse my voice. Boy. I'm touching you. Do you see me touching you? Oh, but is that me? That is you. Or is it? Don't say it. All right, but yeah, but she runs out and somehow finds a valentine in town Right like if she could see that would make no sense his eyebrows somehow got busher Don't know how it happened really wanted her to like pull a pair of underwear out of her Killed fairs sniff. Oh

Yeah, but she finds him no problem. Yes, his eyebrows are molting at this point by the end of the movie. They'll fly away. It's beautiful. Okay. So now we get the sentence, the scene where they're sentencing Lydia to die and telling her the jailer dad about Theodore's complicity and though escape attempt. But just then valentine shows up to think he's in something shake spirit for a minute. He's the best. He's like, wouldn't the Emperor prefer if I fought the wolves instead of these people? And they were like, and all the Romans are like, no, because the whole point of the Roman circus is for the poor and criminals. I mean, yes, yes, because that's how the myth goes.

So yeah, yeah, yeah, we love it. Swapsies. Actually, this is not even how the myth goes. They have managed to screw that up to it. It's beheaded. Well, in some of them, there's three different guys that might be, because Valentine was a super common name back then. It's all mythological. They've mushed together three different legends, added some shit that wasn't supposed to be there. But yeah, they needed wolves because they're trying to connect it to Luparcalia. Anyway, but yeah, that's the idea that they've sentenced the Roman soldier and Lydia to die by being eaten by wolves in the Colosseum and Valentine's like, no, no, no, I'll get to eat, I'll fight

the wolves and I so wanted for him to beat this shit out of some wolves, right? Like, I'll give some assumption powers. He just goes ninjitsu on a bunch of wolves in the Colosseum. Oh, great. Break some mini bottles, put some between his knuckles. Yeah, exactly. And tape some to his knuckles. Yeah, a little bit of bass.

Thanks about committing a hate crime, but doesn't. And we totally forgive him. He's in the past. I said, what if I was just, what if? Come on. and we totally forgive him. He's gonna be a pastor. Oh! I said, what if? I was just thinking, what if? Come on. It's a scenario.

Oh, and of course, because this is a Christian martyr thing, we have to have the moment where it's like, hey, let me show you how easy it would be to not die over this. You just drop some sand and he's like, no, I love Jesus too much. Yeah.

You can literally get out of the death penalty for you and all these people with words and sand dropping, but really just words, just say you're not Christian. No, no, like to die for a lie now, please. Yeah, exactly. You're right. Who would do it? All right. So now we cut ahead, Tim. He's about to go out and face the wolves, but there

be a nice about it. They're given him time to say goodbye and Christianize several people before he goes to time for being Christian. Oh, and Theodore runs in and they have this amazing interaction where he's like, Jesus loves you and she's like, great, where is he? And I wanted so badly for her to just like realize how stupid this is as he's talking to women's final words. Do not worry child, Jesus will always be with you. Is he here? He is in your heart.

What? Well, he rose from the dead, my child. Wait, wait, he's dead? Oh, wow, right, forgot child. Real quick, Theodore, who do you think Jesus is? He's a man who's in love with me and will take me away from here. Right. Cuss.

That makes sense. God, this is so awkward. Anyway, when is Jesus coming to take me away? You know what? I have some wolves to fight. We'll talk later, okay? After you fight the wolves? Yep, yep, yep, yep, right after I fight these wolves, I gotta go. So you're like single-nower.

We should, we should get out of here. And Theodora, this point has a shit Mustache who thought that was a good idea drink a nice cold glass of shit before this thing Yeah, oh Hitler I love to that like there's this moment where he like tries to make the sense or tries to make sense out of the Trinity for her super quick. She's like, but if your god is dead, no, you know, he is his, he is this fuck. Yeah. This is not. No, you, you actually told me about that moment ago, you told me your God is dead and he got crucified. And sometimes I write, I told, I just said that. That is, um, so my cousin sent me this book. Have you heard of Lee Strubel?

He's from the same era as that necklace from earlier and heart Valentine's. Oh, you poor poor stupid blind girl. Stupid, stupid, stupid blind girl for Christians. So yeah, so he says to himself, well, you know, this being Christian thing sure is fatal. Let me try and flick this little blind girl with it first before I die and he has one last little paper heart for her So he he gives that to her and then on his way out. He's like, and they got quit fucking with the blind girl. Okay Top of my head the eyesight maybe a wet wipe for her face. I don't know, whatever you're thinking, it would be great. Just help her out a little bit. And they have this moment where she's like, oh, wait, I love you, Valentine. And I was

like, wow, and the music swells and it's so romantic. And I'm like, this was a love story between a child, an adult man, and the two caterpillars that live on his face. Yep. He says love story. He says all we have to do is love each other. And she's like, yeah, I mean, and also get killed by wolves instead of. Right?

I mean, that's the other part of the slot. There's nothing right now. Also the wolf modeling death. Yes, instead of talking, yes, I mean, that's the other part of the slot. There's nothing right now. Also the wolf modeling death. Yes, instead of talking, yes, that's true. All right. So instead of, okay, so he leaves. And instead of watching wolves eat him, we stay with Theodora. F**king boo. Yeah. And we watch her regain her sight as she slowly is able to see a blurry Valentine. Call it. Could see all the time. You could see this entire fucking time.

Yeah, God or Valentine gave her a sight back with the miracle right before he died. So the same thing makes sense. Yeah. And let me tell you, they are not going gonna like what happens when she gets her sight back. I can see. I can see. It's a miracle. Wow, we're, we're all just covered in shit. Huh. Um, what? Like everything, all of us closed the walls everything is covered in shit. Do we not have water people? What the fuck? Oh Well, you know

Prison I wasn't in prison Nobody thought to themselves to say oh hey Theodore you have shit all your face. I look like an idiot a shit covered idiot Well, I mean Yeah, sorry. Stuff it in your dickhole! Wow, so, harsh. I like to better blind. I wanted to see her get the sight back and then just immediately see Valentine and start yelling.

Like, guys, seriously, he's like 70 years old. I didn't know what tell me that weird. That's weird. You guys are weird. Sorry, ancient, ancient Rome, ancient Rome. Also, by the way, I mean, didn't you want to see a like a wolf fight in the Colosseum at this point? He's that a little bit, but no, just, you know, tell

don't show. It's more mysterious that they don't. So instead, the climax of this movie is a little girl holding a paper heart and slowly seeing it. Just like, are you not entertained by this paper heart? That's like, that's close to the most boring thing for a blind person to see first. It's especially when like on the other side of the wall are wolves eating an old man. Yeah, right. I've always wanted to see what blood looks like. Yes. All right. So then we cut to nerdy girl in glasses giving a report, which apparently was

just reading this book from cover to cover to her class. Mace that feels like cheating. Yeah, the costume department of this production is like, so hear me out. She starts in a sexy school girl uniform. And then we're going to put her in a dirty potato sack covered in shit. And in the end, stop selling. Wait for it. Wait for it. She's wearing only a sheet and nipple pasties.

It's just a keep selling. Sorry. And she finishes her story and she gets a slow fucking cloud. So we pan over the fucking room. The kids are all drying tears from their eyes literally. And then yes, an absolute goddamn literal slow clap that ends in a standing ovation. Codotovina, Orson Wells and Nancy Pelosi clapping in the back. All right, and that's it. That's the whole movie. So now that we've armed you with no I'm just too atheist as a potential out for forgetting that Valentine's day. We're going to pause for a quick break and when we come back, we'll dive into a short

with even less to say than this one. So stay tuned for love is for the birds. You know, here at God awful movies, we like to keep things fun and fresh by presenting our ads and skits or humorous dialogues, but it turns out not every podcast can do that without it being terrible. So when our advertiser Robin Hood sent out a podcast-wide advisory for everyone to please just read the copy for Badam, we understood.

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Come on. Just stop talking when the copy is over. No. It's done. Hi, I'm No Illusions, and I'm Ulyne Bosnick. No. It's Day. This shit comes out Tuesday. You got two days not to fuck this up. Go get some dinner reservations. Buy some chocolates. Nice chocolates.

Like at the mall, you know? Yeah, you know that story. Maybe get her tickets to our live show in Colorado on March 9th. But only do that if she already likes the show. There you go. Now some of you are thinking, hey, Noah and Eli, what about the ladies? Aren't you being kind of fuck you?

Okay. Seriously, fuck you. Get your dick out. Get your dick out. Look at your dick. Look at your dick. You want to put that in your mouth? No.

No, you don't. Neither do she. What, right, in general, I mean, if you're a real, you're a real, yeah. Not the results. The process. Yeah. she doesn't do it She doesn't want the process either go get some nice fucking chocolates paid for by the god awful movies valentine's day committee

And we're back for more of this shit or different shit in this instance and for the second half of our double feature We're gonna turn back to the premier progenitor of Puritanical propaganda that is a Brigham Young university. Yeah, we are. Yeah. And again, it's Valentine's Day. So this, in case you're wondering, is there movie about how to have a good marriage? Well, okay, so we got to start with that warning that all the BYU movie start off with like, it starts off by saying, Hey, we're wrong about a lot of shit, but we can't fit it all into one movie. So just narrow focus. Yeah, I have this warning just so you know, marriage isn't the only thing we ruined. We also

ruin other things like wedding dresses. You'll see. you'll see. And the warnings basically saying like, there's a lot of stuff in Mormonism to unpack. We're not going to be able to explain how bigoted we are about everything that we're bigoted about, but we are just rest assured, super bigoted about other stuff. Like there's not black people in this, but if there were, we would address that and say that they're bad to be clear. And we'll tell you what, until you read the credits to a Mormon movie, you might not realize how white names can be. Yes.

I wrote God for a name is white and crazy is the one in the credits of a Mormon movie. Oh my God. Oh, well, Shrenzenfanker. All right. Ready? Let's play a game. Name the whitest names you can think of other than Jefferson Beauregard sessions. What do you guys Morgan get ready to censor me?

Technically, how about S Richard Kettington? Yes. Great answer. You miss widely is the. Yeah, those are the first two names in the opening credits. Richard Kettington. Yes. Great answer. Yes. Yes. Yes. Those are the first two names in the opening credits. I'm going to repeat those. S Richard Kettington and Eunice Wadley.

And we end on Wendell. Oh, Whitaker. If I were omnipotent and omniscient, I'll tell you I would do one thing. I would make Eunice Wadley the best at fucking in the whole Like even all of history Eunice was the best fucker. That would be a great world. Oh, Eunice Wadley's a great porn name actually. Yeah, nobody fucks like Eunice Nobody fucks like Eunice everyone stay tuned after the credits me and I have a song stay tuned to have the credits me and I have a song. Right. Oh, do it now. Do you have a song?

I have a song. Right. I write rhyming words. So, okay. So now we open up on wedding decorations. Okay. So, apparently, and I think we've all got some form of description of these decorations.

I had them as squat petrified wacky waving inflatable armflail and toot men. That's good, but mine were Roman pillar palm tree flowers. Oh, are you guys talking about the enormous tampons? Yeah, there's a lot of tampons. Yeah, we are talking about the tampons. At some point, they're like, we need wedding decorations. I know a giant who rents out her tampons. I have it down as if a

Boppet clown had Christopher Reese's horse accident. So okay, so there's an old woman out there decorating for the for the wedding in their backyard. And the husband comes out and says, maybe she's breakfast damn it. It's still the 60s. And she's like, go fuck yourself. This couple is my everything. I will watch 150 movies if it's just them being like, suck a dick. You suck a dick. And maybe I'd make my own breakfast part of you. You want some breakfast? How about you maintain an erection? No? No? I guess we're at a fucking impasse aren't we? No breakfast, no erections. Tell you what, you keep a bowler up, that's how long I'll cook eggs for. Oh, looks like you're getting a raw egg again. Bloop. Enjoy that. Yeah, he's like, make me food. I'm John Dus Benstein. Clearly I need it. I look like Hitler's notary public.

Make me breakfast. And this woman is, this woman is single handedly planning a wedding and carrying around the state of Wisconsin on her head. Oh my god. You know what she's serving for breakfast aggression. But don't worry aggression for breakfast, but don't worry, having failed to subjugate his wife, dad turns to his daughter, the bride to be and says, cook me food. Yeah, he goes, can't have any fucking breakfast. Thanks to your bullshit ass wedding. Fuck you. Happy wedding day, by the way.

He's making his daughter make him breakfast on his fucking wedding day. Oh my God. And she's like, no, this is cool. I actually need practice at putting eggs next to hot metal. I love the skills. Oh my God. Yeah, she says, I am I quote, I'll get you breakfast. I'll need the practice because you know, she's going to be a wife for as they call it

Mormonism a short order cook with a happy ending. Oh, or as we call it waffle house, you can fuck people who work at Bob, Paul house. And by the way, can we really quick discuss what the fuck she's wearing on her head at this? Oh, okay. She, this is, this is the real reason for burst, best worst hats.

It's true. It's true. She's wearing a bag over her head. Yep. She is wearing a smock and, and what looks like stockings on her, like she's about to go into a robbery. Or like it's, it's wounded and she put some gauze up there. You know how handmaid's tail didn't have like pretty pink colors

enough. Mormonism fixed that apparently. Yeah. Mormonism, I think Mormonism just in general is a handmaid's tail, but they think it's a happy romantic comedy. Like that's what Mormon thinks is happening. Oh, and the entire time she's making in breakfast, he's monologuing about his horrible marriage. He's just like, mother always hated me. Happy wedding day. I'm miserable and I hate your mother. A dream of being held in a man's arms. You're the reason you're asking to hold on to.

Yeah, he's like, I can't find the eggs. I can't get this toaster to work. And I honestly, I feel a little called out because like Eli, is this your subconscious way to like tell me that I need to thank you more for finding shit that's right. If you're asking me if I would like you to start looking for your phone before you tell me it's lost, the answer is yes. It is not gone. It is in your hand more often than not.

So, yep, but I love the bitches that dad's giving. He's going like mom wanted somebody who was a carpenter and a gardener. And I'm like, those are not the types of nails or pushes. She was talking about, dude, oh, I see the problem right now. And she's having an inner monologue about what it's going to be like to be married. They're going to sit by the fire and he's going to read her poetry and say how beautiful she is. And I just wrote my notes.

I don't know if that's how it would go if I tried it. Hey, Anna. What? Okay. What did Dr. Glauver say about? Yes. Eli. What would you like?

I just thought we could sit by the fire and I could read you poetry and tell you that you're beautiful. Okay. She said a slur. That's sad. That's what we had to beep it. I just love these fucking the women thoughts

as presented to you by Wendell O'Winnicker, right? Because she's just sitting there thinking, boy, I sure hope that when he beats me, I deserve it. Yeah, her inner monologue was dark. Yeah. Okay, and just then, husband to be Tom shows up fresh from updating the greater Chippewa area on the cold front that's moving in. Oh, I wanted this dude to pick up a roll of paper towels so bad. Yeah, he's like, oh boy, food.

I was like, this guy gets it. Yeah, this guy gets it. But of course, she's embarrassed because she's dressed like Amish licorice and doesn't want him to see her. So she's like, you got to make my dad breakfast. I'll go not have a fucking laundry sheet on my head anymore. Yep. And he starts making dad the eggs and dad's like, Hey, man, by the way, you can also have some eggs. You can have two eggs exactly. He's like,

yeah, thanks. I fucking know. I can murder you right now. I could your, your waist is around your neck. I could just tighten your butt. And murder you right now with your high waisted crazy pants. Well, dad's also doing this weird thing where he's like, oh, yeah, she's running out of the room because she's scared you're going to change your mind after seeing her. So ugly, God, she's such an ugly bitch. Like he can't stop roasting his family for like five seconds. And wow, I just realized this is the staggering comparison between their family and mine. Okay. And this is where we get his fantasies about marriage. She's so wise. She wanted him to love her and read her poetry. He would like her to darn his socks, make gravy without lumps, and in the most tragic fantasy

I've ever heard of, not overspend at the grocery store. Yes, his dreams of a happy marriage are mending the socks, not fucking up the gravy and knowing her way around a coupon sheet. Yeah, I, I, like her, the thought is she's gonna make me food, she's gonna clean up after me, she's gonna let me play Smash Bros and tuck me into bed at night. Never have to do homework again. Yeah, pretty much. A mom bot.

That's okay, you ruined it for me, Anna. Right, you have to throw in the last thing and now it's weird now it's weird you made it weird Do another citation you need about sex toys ruin Valentine's day So now we're gonna do the wedding So now we're going to do the wedding. I hate them. In this next scene, this is where we will first see her wedding dress, which I believe was made entirely from, you know, those fake spider webs you get at Halloween. Yep.

You can never pull them apart enough so they just look like there's cotton in them. It looks like it was made from that. It looks like they're going to a Mary Poppins themed prom. Yes. Yeah. She, like she walked into the wedding dress store and she was like, Princess Diana, Paper Meshay, figure it out. Those are the two of you who made her a scribe by wedding. Yeah, let me break this down to you.

So the bottom, it's a cupcake. But then the waist and like the top area, it's like Staircy Lannister meets Queen Elizabeth if she was allergic to showing skin. And then her hair is like 1940s victory roles, but there's like this giant fucking fascinator in the center of her forehead that looks like commander warfs prosthetics, but made from legs. Wait, what's a fascinator? A fascinator.

A fascinator. Fascinator is like one of those little hats that you clip on. Anyway, it's just like, it'sinator. A fascinator. Fascinator is like one of those little hats that you clip on. Anyway, you're just like confused as men. They're like, we are fascinated. And then I know what to do. No. Placidly. Yeah, that's what a fascinator is.

But have you ever seen a tiny hat? Can't look away. It's not. It's not. You're a belly dancing of hats. It's valid. Okay, I'm fascinated. Go on. She looks like she looks like she's trapped in a prison made of cotton balls. Like somebody like somebody made

her a wedding dress that also doubles as a full body cast. Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, we should we get a little wedding montage. They're cutting the cake, they throw in the bouquet. Yeah. Does anyone find that cake thing to be charming? The like, shove cake and the face together person. Be nice. It's your wedding day.

Eli and I didn't even cut the cake at our wedding. Well, no, yeah. We thought of that. Who thought of that? Like, you know what, this wedding needs aggressive cake fighting We're gonna have a weirdly violent aggressive moment together. I mean, I can see how you have that thought I can say let's let's not pretend that's a bad thought in and of itself. It's not good execution Yeah, a cake fight is what you need on your 10th anniversary when you're just like hey your mother Really just put on some cake boxing gloves and go to town.

Yeah, not a lot of people know that 10th anniversary is like the food porn anniversary. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, there you go. You just get a little fascinator and you get a little cake fight. Oh, first one to knock off the other one's hat. You play some smash brothers and you bring Heath's mom and he's, but yeah, they did, they's like, hold on, she's like, hold on, she's like, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, Oh, she's like holding her sword behind her back like she's powering up for a super move or something. As it's, yeah, it's weird. And then they go to their just Mary car, by the way, which appears to have been decorated with Sharpie right onto the paint job. Yeah.

Yeah, man. That's going to be tough. Fun fact, when Anna and I took a cab home from our wedding, our taxi driver refused to acknowledge that we very clearly had just gotten married. Even when I said we just got married, he said, aha. And then drove us home in silence. I think about New York, every day. And that just New York for you.

Does it fucking matter to me? Is this like, okay, we doing West Side Drive or should I just take care of this? In my head, that guy picked up eight prize that day and it was, okay, this is some kind of weird genie curse. I'm not getting me again. Seven times the cabbie never the bride. So I'm a bugger picker. So we cut a little later in the marriage. She's wiping it by, okay, so every fucking activity she will ever be involved with and for

this point on is some domestic bullshit, right? She'll be making sandwiches, feed, no baby, vacuum in a living room, cleaning up toys. Every time we see her from this point on, she will be actively wiping. Right. Mm-hmm. So they're about to have their first big fight right before her parents come to visit, which is precipitated by the fact that she has her stockings hanging in the bathroom. And it escalates so quickly. He's like, honey, can you not hang your stockings

in the bathroom? And she's like, I'll get it in a second. He's like, who are I will fucking kill you? It really does. Yeah, she says, she actually says, I was going to move them before they got here. And like, he's still angry. So, well, you should never have stockings. Like, I'm mad. What, yeah, what is he pissed about? As she mad, she washed them like,

I don't, I thought your legs were light brown. When you wash them, it fucks up the smell. Why would you hang stockings in the bathroom? Why would they, I don't understand that. Where, because you have to hand wash them, he... You have to hang them somewhere. That's the room where like hang them near where you hang other stuff, like in the laundry area or like a...

Do you hang stuff in your laundry area? You have a laundry area? Well, yeah, we're not New Yorkers. So yeah, we have a place where your laundry goes. It's not the bathroom. I've never, I've never had a washer dryer in my bathroom. Do you have anything that you hand wash? She has to hand wash them. So she has to do it in the sink. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Follow up question. Why do, why would you wear stockings period? Is there are they ever that's a good. There we go. We got to the core of the issue. So it's so they can get a run in them and get way, way, way more upset than you ever have been about anything in your entire life. Don't get that sounds fun. Yeah. No, that's the sole purpose of stockings

for women is they can go. Oh, God. So you don't have to shave your legs. Not to. Yeah. You're welcome. So, that's an ador. Check out this fascinating. It works on you too. Look at the head. Look at the head.

Put it on your legs. You could actually clip it into your legs if you didn't shave them. That's all gone. Just bending to the leg. Just a tiny little hat on your thigh. My vagina wears a hat. All right, so they have a little fight that ends with Penny Hose tug-a-war, just that mom and dad come in.

How embarrassing. Oh, we should point out to that when they fight their birds start freaking out too. Yes. Which birds. I had seen bird box to recent. And I was like, oh, the monsters are coming. Yeah, the monsters are her in laws. I get it. Or their shitty shitty marriage.

Maybe the fucking that's it. That's it. The fucking bird box monster was this shitty boring ass couple and everyone who saw them coming new. Oh, God, just kill yourself now. Yeah. And when the in-laws come in, it's amazing because the inn those are like, hey,

were you guys having a fist fight over stockings? Cool. Cool, devil's eggs, nice. All right, so we get the little first fight, but they make up and they're happy now. And then we spend some time with shoes as a way of establishing that the family got bigger. Okay, those are shoes.

Yeah. My caption for this scene is sneakers? I think who the fuck knows? Mormon condoms. Yeah. Until about 1990, I think shoes were boxing gloves that you just tied onto your pants. Cause that's what I was looking at.

Well, they keep on adding shoes. And in my head, I was like, what other stories could they tell with this? Like one of the shoes disappears because one of the kids loses a leg. They have a still bird. Never mind. I said, well, I'm supposed to assume that this is because they're getting kids. And like, I have a wife. I just assume she's buying a lot of fucking shoes, right?

Like I thought the next fight was going to be like the shoes we'd go stockings and then we would go shoes and then pants, you know, something like that. But no, yeah, but this was, this was so that we know they have a bunch of kids, which is they are then introduced to the story as though they were a fucking clown car, right? Because they keep going to different corners of this room and they're keep being more kids there. And they're fucking ugly, ugly children. Wow. You know what, this scene was very comforting, because sometimes I think about the future

and me having kids and I get really scared. And then I remember that like 60 years ago, the good version of parenting was three kids in a single room, just like. All right, motherfuckers, get in there. You're forgetting about the other little shit they threw in the corner. I'm going to lock the door from the outside. Play with your fire toys.

Yep. Yep. Play with your 11 pound apple that my parents gave me when I was a kid, a little 11 pound metal apple or just keep violently attacking each other. That's actually whatever you want to do. We're watching like a three year old, put a two year old in a canola. It's crazy. I don't think that these kids need accessories.

And we will watch that a lot, by the way. So yeah, so they go through this fucking clown car of little kids in the room. And then we get dad grabbing a beer. And this is the first time I wrote in my notes, oh my god, this movie is about boring people happening. You sure fucking is. The birds are fighting again. Yep.

And the room is such a mess. Well, the birds, so every time they start being a little annoyed with each other, the birds start fighting. That's like a running theme in this thing. And I'm just like, those, those lovebirds would rather kill each other than watch this movie. I get it. I get it. They'd rather kill each other than watch this movie. I can get it. I get it. They'd rather kill each other than watch this shitty shitty marriage happen.

Yeah, right there, like the next level up from the bird box monster were even the birds kill themselves. Yes, they're trying to get like a tension from mom and dad because they're getting starved. They're just like having tantrums and like shooting up heroin and like black guys. Yeah. And is it me or does he? Does he suggest that the birds are gay? No, it's even worse than that because he's like, he's like, boy, these lovebirds are always

fighting. He's like, maybe they're both women. You know how women are always bitchy? Right? That's the lie. I was like, maybe they're lesbians. You know how lesbians are always bitchy, right? That's the lie. I was like, maybe there are lesbians, you know how lesbians are always having those ugly fights in front of people. All right. See you later. I'm 1916.

I'm going to leave these birds outside of the house. They are disowned now. Now, and then of course, we have to pass through their inner monologues, right? And her inner monologue treat days a weird turn here. She says, boy, you know, he pays more attention to the kids than he does to me. Maybe he'd be more attracted to me if I were four years old. Whoa, Eli, what are we watching, man? Yeah, man. This very quickly turns into role play and I am into it.

She tries to get his attention. She really, really tries to get his attention before she flies off the handle, but she even says his name a few times. And part of me was like, he's just so interested in his newspaper. And it reminded me of the dad in the beginning reading his newspaper. And I'm just like, were newspapers the sensory deprivation tanks of the past? Clearly. He can't clear.

She is sitting eight inches away from him, yelling his name, and he's just reading the paper, like, there's gonna be some kind of noise. But she breaks through for sure. Finally, she's like, maybe FI was four years old. I'm a little girl, look at me throwing stuff. I need to be punished. And she's like, okay, I'm on board.

What's happening? He's like, why are you making noise at me? I am now paying attention. And then she goes back to being an adult and he's like, what the fuck? You did the little nothing. Oh, just mash the words. Talk me in. Oh, and his mom now damn it. Fuck. Yeah. All right. So she storms off to cry like a girl. He goes to the door, right?

Like he starts to go to the door to be like, hey, honey, are you okay? And then he doesn't because he's senes. Yeah. He's like, maybe I should, well, no, this would end with me talking to her. So. I was really surprised that he wasn't like, he't like say honey are you on your period again? I was so ready to be angry about it. But not some Mormon movie.

But yeah right we can't acknowledge menstruation Jesus. But the best part of this movie for me is right after that this inner monologue of his trying to figure out why she's pissed at him keep in mind again She was yelling his name from eight inches away and he was ignoring her and he's going like I didn't forget her birthday Our anniversary is not until next month. Gee. I didn't I don't know what she could be upset for Yeah, literally he has three ideas. I didn't forget her birthday or her anniversary I didn't say anything cruel like like yesterday. And what did I call her a cunt?

Hey, yeah, Does he only ever talk to her on her birthday? Yeah, right. There's no blood on my knuckles. So I didn't hear. I'm bad. I don't know what's wrong with her. Or is she not mine? I bet she needs a walk. Oh, yes. Yeah, he literally is like, I ought to let her out of the house and let her talk to people like a fucking dog.

Yes. Like, I do to match when she's getting a little like antsy. I should let her go see the other humans down at the human park. I just wanted a shot of her like running around the apartment with the zoom in. She's talking her tail on me. Give me those shoes. And this is also one of several moments in this movie where they try to describe marriage in like a good way and they don't realize what they're doing. And it doesn't come off that way. It's just like, same old thing day after day. And it's like, yep, that's literally in off that way. It's just like, same old thing day after day.

And it's like, yep, that's literally in the vows. It's till death, same old thing day after day. You should sign up for exactly that. Yeah. Yeah, I was so angry about this. I actually literally had to turn it off and take a like walk it off. I had to walk around the room. You see what you said through these things from start to finish.

Fuck that. I'm no masochist. All right. So, but now he's going to try to make her happy so they go to boring people date night. Oh my god. Oh my god. This, this scene. And the ladies in the intro talk of this movie, the ladies are all talking and one of the women says, two of mine have the measles right now. Remember measles? Remember what a pest they were. And if you don't, don't worry. The thing isn't close to herd immunity, which will solve the problem forever now that vaccines

for measles are invented. Vaccines are great. Yeah, this will be gone soon. Right. Okay. So apparently they've gone to a party to ignore each other elsewhere, right? Well, she doesn't try to ignore him. No, she goes over.

Well, she comes over in the weirdest like, it's like she learned something from a pickup artist for him. She's like, hey, so how about those iron stocks, huh? And he's like, Donna, men are talking. Right. It's wonderful. We've done talking. It's like, it's wonderful to be done talking. Right. But I love this little detail at the beginning of this moment.

She's like, she walks over and she says something really smart about stocks. If you try to hold his hand and he's like, please don't block my pretzel hand. You can see this is my pretzel hand. This pretzel dish is lined up right with my left hand. Let's not do the hand holding right now. I think we just need to agree as a society that hand holding is mostly stupid. Like I feel like that's just a positive thing if we all agree to that. But she comes over and she's like, yeah, you see in some alpha in the volatility of iron right now,

iron stuff is great. And he's like, man, doc, stop it. Yeah, she's like, sorry, I'm late. I once did a math. I'm, can you imagine a lady doing a math? Sorry. Now, he's like, we're talking about football. Why don't you go help the hostess with the housework? So basically, she literally said this earlier and the thing, she's like, I wish I need to be able to talk to an adult.

He never talks to me. I'll get to talk to him about as the kids. So he takes her out so she can talk to the other women about the kids. And when she tries to talk him about anything else, he sends her off to do fucking house break again. I had to take another fucking break. This is once again, his fucking inner monologue doesn't get it. She's like, why don't you go do domestic lady stuff? And she's like, yes, I really wanted to come to this party to not see you. And then she walks away and he goes, well, I guess she was being sarcastic about not wanting

to spend time with me. But what does she really mean? Like there's only one thing she can mean if that's sarcastic you fucking idiot. You're going to watch you lick a shoe before this movie's over. Yeah. And I just want to say this is not how art dinner parties go. Lucinda, so good to see you. You guys just get in.

Yeah. Come on, Lucinda, we're leaving. We are not leaving. But I told Dave I hope he leaving. We are not leaving, but I told Dave. I hope he dies. We are not leaving Just to be Dave Hey rice Coleman your anis husband, right? Oh, no, no, thank you Well, sorry what yeah, no, thank you, but no, I just it's just I can see your thoughts forming your normal person boring thoughts.

I can see them and I would like to pass. You'd like to pass? Yes, I pass. Enjoy the party. Your thoughts are normal. No, they're not. Hey, everybody, what's up? Hey, how you doing, dude? How's it going?

Doing good? I hear it for the host brought something. Oh, it's, you brought a bottle of scotch. A brunch. Yep, you are welcome. He, that's super sweet of you, but I, I mean, you know I don't drink and know it doesn't drink and it's, it's 12 p.m. Not yet. Yeah, already exactly. Let's pop this mother. Here we go.

Woo! Runs party. Scotch library. Scotch! God. So, alright, so yes, that party, and God, that would have been such a better scene, but no, but they have the boring party, so they go home, and on the way home, she's going to give him a piece of her mind. Oh, yeah. He's like, so? Did you like going outside?

You want to go for walkies? Walkies. He's like, yeah, yeah, I just like, why are you so mad? I just, I thought, she's like, I am all, I just thought you threw the ball and so I was like running away. I didn't even throw the ball. You're liar again. You're always a liar.

She goes, he's like, what are you so upset about? She's like, put yourself in my place, Tom. And he's like, no, because you don't have a penis. I don't get. He's like, put yourself in my place. What like missionary gay? I won't. I wanted him to like start to scoot over in his chair as he's driving the car. No, Tom, not literally not let her stop. I don't know who's going to drive. But cause they made me the Japanese. So you mentally like like not right now in the physical space. Got it. Got it.

Put myself in your place. Interesting. Uh, this dick is unsatisfying. No, I'm not doing that. I'm not playing the game. So yeah, then he wonders what that would be like. What that would be like. What that would be like. How dare they steal the doodly do from us. Yeah, right. Fuck you. Those are ours, God,

damn it. But yeah, he reimagines the the scenario from that night, but with a gender swap, right? Yeah, he literally cannot imagine himself talking about his children or talking to women in general. He has to replace all the women in her scene with men with his friends, but they have to be talking about football. They cannot be talking about their kids. And not only that, but when he goes into interupperic, because keep in mind that like when she came over to talk to him, they were talking about football. She just heard up six points and thought they were talking about stock. So she started talking about stock market shit. But because this is the lady version of it, when he goes over, they're talking about gardening and he hears mixing and things that are talking

about cooking, it's so embarrassing because that's what ladies, that's the lady equivalent of stocks and football, you see is gardening. Gardening. Cool. I wanted so badly for him to just hit her in the mouth and his dootily do like, honey, why don't you go fuck? Don't you talk to me that way. And then he comes out of the dootily do. He comes in the dootily do and he goes, why won't she talk to me?

She literally just puts you. Yeah. You had a dootily due because she spoke to you. Yeah. The last thing he said to her was, no, I'll never put myself in your shoes and he wonders why she's mad at him. Yeah, right, right. He has his little doodly due moment and then in his doodly due moment he realizes, I

guess I was a bit of an asshole. Let me hold her hand. Wait, she won't hold my hip-fuck this woman. Did she not see the doodledoo? I saw it. She didn't say the name. Yeah, it's Rowland. All right, so now we cut to them in church.

This entire group of people looks like they just came here fresh from chanting about who Will and won't replace us. It's a terrifying crowd shot. And we won in this room is a monster. I just wrote everyone who stood up at the state of the union is here on this show. And she looks disgusted by her own singing, just like physically nauseated by the sounds coming out of her. Either that or she's nauseated by the fact that there's a white starfish suctioned to her head. Oh, yeah. She looks like Nancy Pelosi at the state of the union.

She's like the dead eye. She keeps looking ahead. When is this over? Like the corners of her mouth are turning down because you just can't, she just can't with any of it. Yeah, and so we listened to this pastor talk about we wouldn't have war and shit if everybody was Christian. So we listened to this pastor talk about how we wouldn't have war and shit if everybody was Christian. We could live without crime, divorce, and preaching if we did unto others. I was like, well, one of those we could do away with right now. Yeah, he accidentally explains why religion is 100% unnecessary.

He's just like, we all followed one simple moral code that it's kind of, well, it's actually like a priori. It's like built into everyone automatically. Yeah. Irreligion. Ah. So skeptic. No.

Damn it. All right. Anybody got an intermonologue you can drown me out with the purposes of this movie? Can we, can I get into the doodly do where I punch a lady in the face or something. So yeah, so then then we get their inner monologues again while they're in church and her in a monologue, by the way, is I sure wish he'd pay more attention to me because the male writers cannot imagine a woman wanting any other thing, but more attention from her husband.

Right. And then, that's my fault. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, no, she basically, she thinks to herself, you know, maybe this is all my fault. The movie's like, now you're getting warmer. I guess I should be grateful he doesn't hit me.

This movie. Yeah. Jesus. Oh, she's, okay. So now it's morning, we're in the kitchen. She is dressed like Paddington bearers mistress got caught and she is just gym and food into that big. She is feeding this. If you told me this baby was Heath's origin story, I'd be like, oh, I'm sure. I get it. A lifelong desire to gently put food into his mouth. Okay. It'll need to force any

food. I'm actively finding it myself. I feel like that's inaccurate. Yep. We get a montage of a woman drowning in toxic masculinity. Oh, all the right, all the way through because of all their kids are boys, right? So the boys are constantly fighting. We haven't even mentioned the fact that one of their kids is clearly a sociopath. Oh, Tommy stop waterboarding your brother. Yeah. We only do that to black protesters with the hose. Yeah. Exactly. So what we're supposed to see in this scene is basically like she's super stressed out and dad doesn't notice, right? The kids are fighting. The one kid won't eat. He knocks his bowl off the thing, but then just as he's walking out the door to work, dad says to where he's like,

I know. Let's have a family picnic in three and a half hours. You do all the work. I'll see you then. You make me the solid brass balls on this gentleman. Just be like, uh, you shouldn't stress. Make me a picnic. And she's like, I clearly don't have time. That's dumb, right? Like today. And he's like, great, I'll be back at noon. I'll have that shit ready. You're welcome for the pic.

Yeah. You're silly woman stuff. That doesn't matter. Push it back. Do it tomorrow. Yeah. And the birds, by the way, are not happy. Yeah.

The birds are like, fuck, please kill me. We're done with this. And the husband seems to have no idea what's going on. He's like, oh, I'll take you to lunch. You can just tie the kids to the floor or way them down with stones or something. I don't know. What'll they find? Do we know any kidnappers?

We might not. We might not. But she'd be abducted in plain sight now on Netflix. We have we have we have we have a priest. How about he spend some time with our boys? All right. So she's mom and super hard. Tommy is now shoving sand up his brother's ass.

Come on. This this goddamn movie is a preview for we need to talk about Kevin. We need to talk about Tommy. Tommy is associate that. Yeah, she's like, stop. Stand blasting your brother. That damn movie is a preview for we need to talk about Kevin. We need to talk about Tommy. Tommy is a sociopath. Yeah, she's like, stop. Stand blasting your brother. But we just said we only do that to black protesters.

We said. Yeah, she finds some weird stuff in the bedding too. Like she's like, oh, there's something in here. There's like a teddy bear. And then she finds something else and she's like disgusted by it. And I couldn't see what it was because the video was old and great And I was like it looks kind of like cheese Baby Heath runs in the room that's my later cheese fuck you

His bed It is bad having some later cheese alone in your house. I like to spread out a little pile here and there so we're It's like being at a party except I like everyone here. No, no, no, no later. Cheese is now now now. Cheese trying to offer cheese to his scotch. All right, so now we got to the picnic. There's a little ziplock bags of scotch hanging off like a hamster feeder. I was just saying hamster tanky.

So all right, now we cut to the picnic. That's pretty pleased with himself on this picnic idea. He's like, yeah, you know, you said this is going to be a lot of work, but I didn't have to do anything. I guess you were wrong. Oh, it's the best. And she's like, Tommy, go watch your kids. Like sure, put the future serial killer in charge of his siblings.

What could possibly go wrong? Oh, yeah. They were using cut footage from the bad seed for this. Yeah. This is how you wind up with kids like me. Go pay attention. Don't let your brothers drown. We only do that to black protest.

So yeah, and so she says at one point, like they're chatting back and forth, the kids are out of the scene for a moment. And she's like, Hey, could you mind, would you mind like not constantly being an asshole every time we interact, but then he gets sad puppy eyes. So she apologizes and swears that she'll wife harder next time. Like throughout this movie, she has the most reasonable complaints about her husband. And her husband is just like, I thought I'd hit you in the face with my dick. What?

Yeah. And he says, what's wrong with us? Where's the spark? And I just wanted her to be like outfits. It's a montage. Well, he's asking, he literally asked her, so why don't we talk anymore? What happened? And she's like, Oh, well, I would always love to talk. He's like, shut up, men are talking. I wasn't done yet. She starts crying at one point and he goes, Oh for Pete's sake what now? Fuck you dude.

Oh, oh when she's crying. When she's crying. We've been at Tommy's in Tommy's mercy. At this point, God damn it. Fuck this guy. When she's crying, he's like, no, talk to me now. Talk to me now. I expected him to put 20 seconds on the clock

and make her tell him what's wrong with fundamentally wrong with their relationship and only using puns. But he's like, yeah, go ahead, fucking talk right now. Window open. Two, one, two, slow. I gave you. Well, and also there's this great moment where they like share with each other. What each of them wanted in the marriage. Well, and also there's this great moment where they like share with each other what each

of them wanted in the marriage. And the wife is like, I wanted you to comfort me and help me through my fears and insecurities. It loved me with intensity and the husband was like, I wanted eggs that were made already. Also I didn't want you to age. Yes. I didn't expect her to age. What? It's pretty awesome.

I mean, to be fair to this movie, nobody wants to watch a movie about realistic couple fights. I didn't say you always did that. I said, I think you forgot that you did that. I don't think I forgot. Okay, well then I remembered incorrectly for the second time. You must have. Yep, that is what must have happened. Yep.

Well, it did. Cool. Really? Just right here in the living room. It's a playhouse for the kiddies. It's 23 feet tall. They need multiple floors. They do. They need seven. It blocks the front door. Not if you go up on the ramp. First ramp, what? I said it's fine. I'm sure they'll love it. More scotchies?

Why thank you, Heath. You're kind of a wild card, aren't you? Yes. Yeah. He is happy. I'm just like him. Having a good time with himself. All right. So, and then he, and by the way, if you ever want to end a marriage real quick, this is a great way to start. He says, I guess the problem is that my mom was a better wife than you. Oh, yeah. He's a, my mom was a slave.

So I figure, you know, slave. Yeah. And then like as though he's conceding something, he goes, you know, I wouldn't want a perfect wife anyway, totally. And your friends are hilarious. Well, I love this moment where she's like scraping the bottom of the barrel for compliments to try to find something nice to say about him and he doesn't notice. Oh my gosh, she goes, you know what I love most about you? Security. And it's whoa.

If Anna ever says the thing she loves most about me in security, there will be a loud pop and the conversation will be over. Yeah, it's like literally so yeah, know the good things about our our relationship or that you know, you're there. Yes, yes, I love how you take up space. I love how you to be. You are. I love how you is. I think they're for. Yeah. Do you think they're for us? I know it's not reversed.

All right. So then the kids start bitching and they have to go see what, you know, what Tommy is pulling the wings off of. I'm so cut to another scene. Dad's unloading groceries. Dad is dadding, but that's easier than momming. And they get into another fight instantly. Oh my God. This she goes, can you warm up a vegetable for the baby? So I don't know what that meant in the 1960s. You're just praising. Did you heat up one single vegetable? You just popped a carrot in a microwave until it was soft enough to shove it your baby at lightning speed. No, I help us out here. No, I got babies in the 60s. I know all about that. Yeah. But he's so mad that she suggests that he heat up that carrot that he like packs his shit and leaves forever. He's like, yeah,

it goes out for a pack of cigarettes. Yeah, he sprints from the room. Yeah, so he he goes to she asked him to do it and then he gets distracted by something. She comes in. She's like, Are you doing that? He's like, I'll do it in a second. She's like, I'll do it myself. And the soundtrack is pretty sure he's gonna stab her to death for. Yeah. Oh, I was 99% sure he was about to hit this woman and credit like he was the good guy like I was in the end of the movie and it was just like like a PSA at the end fucking Mitt Romney walks out she's like The Mormon you know fragile masculinity the movie

All right, I'm sorry. I don't want us to completely pass over the Mormon. You know, that was pretty good. Oh, no, that's good. Thank you. Oh, and of course, her inner monologue, you know, he, he storms off and sulks because he didn't warm up the vegetable correctly. And her inner monologue is basically, I guess it's my fault our marriage isn't better. Her inner monologue is like, well, Donna, you opened your lady hole again, didn't you? And they conclude with like, well, there's been literally nothing positive about this entire marriage. Maybe we should change ourselves fundamentally, and that's the issue. Yep. Yeah. Is it a crazy, crazy institution and heath is absolutely right? It's one of the things I said.

It's one of those two things. Yeah, or, or these two people just shouldn't be fucking married in this could be a divorce. Sorry, I'm pretty sure heath is nailing it. Now, me and Lucinda's existence kind of fucks up your theory. So, but yeah, but how much later cheese do you have? More than you. More than you. I want., but you know, how much later cheese do you have? More than I want more than you can do. I'm winning like Charlie fucking sheen. So, okay, I'm going to have sex later today. Um, as the AIDS virus. So I will.

The AIDS virus. I'm going to cut out my setup for that. It's so nice to be an editor. I'll cut out my setup for that. Everybody wins. Except Charlie sheep. All right. And that's the end of the movie, right? Well, they're like, they're like, oh, well, you know, we got mad at each other. Let's not do that anymore. And then they hug and the birds aren't angry anymore. They don't just hug. They have an aggressive rubbing their face together like they're trying to share chapstick. Yeah, like they're trying to shave the faces down a little like they're whittling down the noses. Yeah. Like she's just trying to get as much razor burn from his stubble as possible.

It looked painful. All right. So we watched two films today or zero, depending on how you want to count them, which was better and why? Um, no, reject. I'm going to go with four of the birds because I now get husband points just by not being Tommy. So I'm a million, that's fair.

I'm gonna go for the birds because of creative fashion choices. Oh, there you go. And I'm also gonna go for the birds because the other one has already been perched from my memory. So Anna, we can't thank you enough for hanging out with us today, but damned if Eli can't try Valentine's Day is coming up. Um, if our audience wanted to hear a little more from you, where should they go? I have an album on iTunes and Spotify and all those music things. You can definitely

download slash by that slash stream and slash add it to one of your playlists and give me money. Yeah, that's, that's, that's good. That's where you can find me. Awesome. And of course, we'll have that linked in the show notes as well. Now, that's going to do it for our review of these two pieces of shit, but it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to donate to Eli's Alamoni payments. So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

The missing Christians. A 1952 Rapture film. Yeah. And also you sound like you're from 1952. It's almost like we were gonna do a different movie and then recorded this late and edited it different so we could squeeze into the episode quick before we threw it out.

Huh. Well, I can tell you one thing. I did not say the wrong movie in our other record. No. That's not what happened. No, you didn't, there's no evidence that you did. So with that to look forward to, we're gonna bring episode

one, a two to a merciful close, and make the audio sound normal again. Once again, a huge thanks to Anna Bosnick for hanging out with us today. And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors to help make the show go. If you'd like to go on yourself among the ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com.

So that you got all full and thereby earn early access to an ad free version of our every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show and all your various social media platforms. If you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating ad, the citation needed in the skeptic right available on iTunes to turn where our else podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email God awful movies to Gmail.com, legal services to this podcast are provided by the law, offices of P. Andrew Torres, Tim Robertson, takes care of our social media, our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slot, and the people drafts on Mars, all other music was written and performed by our audio We'll leave you with a breakfast club close. Blind Girl, in the first movie, and Mormon Lady from the second movie eventually got together for a beautiful, lesbian relationship. They even threw a surprise coming out party during which they preemptively disowned the Mormon parents.

After Valentine was beheaded, his eyebrows journeyed forth to seek their forth. The Adora converted to Christianity and was executed later that day. Heath and later cheese lived haggling ever after. No. Now it's worth it. Robinhood is giving listeners of scathing. Nope. Nope. You wouldn't have remembered it. And if you did remember, you would have remembered it capitalized. Correct. You must have remembered it differently. Yes. I must have. Yeah. Now it's capitalized. Correct. Thank you.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019, all rights reserved.