God Awful Movies - 183: The Missing Christians

Episode Date: February 19, 2019

This week, guest masochist Matt Donnelly joins us for an atheist review of "The Missing Christians", the story of a story of a dream of a story, but with really bad hairdos. --- If you'd like to hear more from Matt; check out his show here: https://heyscoops.com/ --- Come see us in Denver! https://theorientaltheater.com/event/332075/God-Awful-Movies-LIVE-in-Denver If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: http://patreon.com/godawful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

I think this is the slickest directing of the movie because it's clearly the same person walking out to the right and then going back around. And then you can't see the java shot all the time. You can't see their faces. Yeah. The same height is just the same person just knocking on the door, walking around the camera. The same cactus goes up to the door a bunch of times in a rally.

Yeah, it's like, the way they're eventually gonna convince Trump he's got the wall. You know, it's like they're doing that, running around behind, yeah. God awful movie. OOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Heath and right, Heath, welcome back, sir. Thanks, Noah. Thanks. So you know why you can barely hear me? It's because my mic is next to my belly button. It's like this. Can I get my mouth in the sound frame?

No, no need, no need at all. We have new standards. And of course, sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad Fred Eli Bosnick. Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir? I'm fantastic. Noah, I'm doing this first sound thing with my head cut off. Okay. To celebrate this moving. So just be aware that I will not have a head for this recording. All right. And I, you know, I just, I love the thought of the listeners that don't watch the movie in advance, wondering what the hell you guys are doing. It makes so much goddamn sense.

But before we make sense of it, we do have a guest massacres to introduce also joining us is comedian, magician and co-host of Matt and Mattingley's ice cream social, Matt Donnelly, Matt. Thanks for being massacistic enough to join us, sir. Oh, I'm glad to be here. I'm slightly concerned about the whereabouts of my wife and child. I'm really to table that. We're going to table that to sit here and talk to you guys for a good, long time.

Okay. Good. Have you called a shaman? Okay. And it all makes sense in the wash. You might have to re-listen to this intro at the end, but you'll love it. All right. So tell us.

He'd let's start breaking down this mystery a bit. What did we watch today? We watched the missing Christians. It's the story of the rapture told us from the perspective of five inches away from the main character. And it's all about the struggle of Christianity to overcome the evils of less extreme Christianity. Yeah. Other Christianity. Yeah.

The bad guy is moderate medium Christian. That's the antagonist in this movie. It's also an allegorical lesson for the left wing of 2016 and also right now it's a lot of things. I swear to God, it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this was about the rapture. Yeah, right. Well, I'm always curious about this when we bring in gaskas. Of course, we've watched a trillion of these. We knew five minutes into this, the rapture was going to happen at some point in this movie, right? Oh, man, I felt like such a dumbass for 20 minutes. I'm like, oh, the missing Christian.

Yeah. But it was really just, it seemed like just like a guide, like an after school special, guide to gilting your children into going to church. Right. Yeah. It's just, it is like a long order breakdown of this woman for the first 15 minutes of just shaming her until she just cracks on the witness stand. Yeah.

And then I was like, oh, and by the way, other people are gone. Yeah. Yeah. Once again, the argument from, okay, there's no real reason to believe we're right, but how scary would it be if we were though, right? Oh, man, we're going bit by bit on this because I, there's so much I want to lay in. Oh yeah, yeah, no, don't worry. We'll give you a chance to get every last bit of it.

God knows there were 50 minutes in this movie, but somehow there were also three and a half hours in this movie. Yeah. And Eli, how bad was this movie? Well, if you love grandma's home movies, but you wish they were all also demonstrable proof about her being wrong about when the world would end, you will love this movie. It's the end is nigh.

I mean, nigh, nigh, nigh, damn it, nigh. This is not it. And now. And now. All right, so is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? I would know. I would. I'm going to go with best worst camera frame in a motion picture. They spend the entire movie being incapable of getting an entire human actor into the frame of their movie. Because again,

the camera is five inches away from everything that happens. It's great. Like, it looks like an old person zoomed in on a touchscreen by accident and never got zoomed back out because they didn't know what to flick. Like they didn't know the finger gestures. They had no idea what was happening. That's very close to what happened. Yeah. All right. So Matt, you got any best worsts? Yeah. I'd say the best worst throwing shade over a small thing during extreme circumstances. So at one point, I guess like the Secretary of the, comes into the office and she can't get out that the guys, wife and child are gone. He's just too busy doing other things. And finally, he says like, oh, by the way, sit down and she's like, thank you. And it's like, I don't know where just in the middle of all of this, just

the best thrown shade at a reverend. Be like, hello, I'm a woman. I've been standing. What the fuck is going on? Been minutes, I say minutes. The priorities of these people post rapture are baffling to me, right? God has chosen us people. He hasn't chosen me. So at least I can have a fucking seat. All right. So I'm going to stay in that same scene.

Actually, I'm going to go with best worst blocking. Oh, there is. I can't be. We're going to stay in that same scene actually. I'm going to go with best worst blocking. Oh, there is, I can't, we're going to go over it, right? Obviously we're all going to talk about the ridiculous, weird blocking, specifically from Reverend Wise, but from all of the characters in this film. But constantly these people stand up and move around like, you know, Hall of Presidents Automatotters or like, you know, hall of presidents automatonters or something, you know, like the fucking, the, the Reverend Wise walks back and forth, like one of those ducks, you shoot at the fair.

If you made blind people square dance on the punishment to death, it would still be smoother than the blocking of this movie. I feel like they were just playing tic-tacic Tac Tell on the floor a bunch of kids before they came to the movie set and they were like, I don't know, the X's are wherever I have no idea what to do. Straight up, everyone in this movie seems like they're acting at gunpoint. Yes. Yes, everyone had a very proof of life feel to their acting. Yeah. They're all, they're all kind of blinking SOS. If they are, I'm going to go with best worst calm down. The last third of this movie will be a gentleman whose wife and daughter have died and been taken up to heaven asking everyone to lower their voices. That is the last third of the entire film.

Oh, that guy's so fucking bizarre. I love him so much. That's Reverend Weiss will spend a lot of time unreverned wise, but you know, the sooner we wrap this break, the sooner I can stop remembering this movie, all together. So we're going to keep the break brief. When we come back, we'll dive in all the hostage video acting of the missing Christians. Okay, everybody gather around, gather around. Everybody to record Christianity's first movie. Now that's enough of that. Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Any questions? Yeah, Frank, how's this for volume? Will the camera be able to hear me? Is this good? That's perfect good. Okay. Yeah. Excuse me, Mr. Director. Yes The script says I cry. How?

How long do you think I should do that for? I Think about four or five seconds should be fine about three tears All right, everyone now. Let's film this thing from the neck down Jesus Wait, I mean not Jesus And we're back for the breakdown and we're gonna to start off with the best worst logo of all time. This is what I'm a man of fires to literally drawn in crann. I wouldn't surprise me.

And spelled wrong and they had to fix it on the fly. Yes. It says Evangel films. L. Resents and they were like, fuck, okay, presents was the word we're trying to start with a P you've drawn an L. Okay, just draw the curvy part on L at the top and we're going to keep that for a it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. And it says L resents with a little circle over the top of the L. Yeah. So the quick word of warning, this film has not been formatted to fit your screen.

The version of it we found as he theluted to in the intro, it's on YouTube. And the person has filmed has transferred just the middle of the frame to YouTube. Right. I saw the logo and I fully expected the camera to pan back and it was just going to be on a flag in front of a Christian marching band. Went to high schoolers run through and suddenly or something. Yeah, we march for Christ and we do. Yeah, but we're watching I'm is in Hristian. It's a Christian drama. And at first I thought this was super clever because the name of the movie is the missing

Christians. And I'm like, oh, most of them are missing. I get it. The whole movie is mostly missing. But no, that's not where instead we just look at the cast listing through a microscope. But no, we don't get a marching band. Instead though, we do get a bunch of scary looking white people leaving a tent revival. It's like, it's like an inkblot test of unattractive white people. It was just weird. I just wrote in my notes, ah, the 50s, when everyone dressed like they had

decided to go to Catholic school forever. It was a good, it was a good era to mean the top button business. Everything was a top button. Or the bow tie business. I feel like bow ties reached their high water mark in 1952. Yeah, totally unisex. Everyone's into it. It doesn't mean you're crazy or weird. Yeah. And then Tucker Carlson brought it all the way back. Yeah, right, right. Only he could. Okay. So I feel like Tucker Carlson is very influenced by this movie. If Tucker Carlson were a film, yeah. Um, and okay. So I want to give everybody an idea of how bad the acting is. This is community theater level bad. And there's no way to really understand, except to hear it for yourself. So I brought a clip.

except to hear it for yourself, so I brought a clip. Mother, have you ever seen so many people going down the aisle to accept the Lord? Now, I should point out that the kid who's saying this is dressed like a fucking bell hop at a hotel with a jungle room. Oh. And the cuts in this movie are so hard. It's like the God damn Zebruder tapes just like, ah, and the way he delivers that line

is insane. He just, he's like, all right, you guys keep filing into this building that we're going into. I will sit in this chair by this camera, turn on this lamp and now say a sentence to the North is what I was told. I think, I think he's far side into the North is a guy with giant cue cards like 50 yards away. And then the and then the kid has to shout to the guy with the cue. So he knows what he's done. Oh, that makes

so much sense. And everybody hates each other. Everybody's so like, it's like all the actors are in a fight about like an orgy they recently had that didn't go well. And then they, their moms made them hug it out and do a movie together and walk around the school with holding hands. Like it was like a punishment, really a punishment. All right. So this is where we're going to meet grandma or mom. This, this, the old lady that speaks like, I don't like a cartoon bear that's baking? Yeah, like a, like a old timey record Elecution Lecture. Also, her lipstick is not on her lips,

the entire movie. Like, her lipstick is misapplied with a stamp, the entire, it's just a half an inch to the left of her mouth, but still in the shape of a mouth, it's fucking insane. I think it's because the room is lit so brightly, she's afraid of getting sunburned anywhere on her face. Oh, there you go. No, there's a lot of the times the makeup

is like you ever play a video game where like the frames are on some shit has just shifted a little to the left. It's like the lipstick did that, right? It doesn't quite catch up with the character it's supposed to be on. Her lipstick was buffering. Yes. So then the sister says down she goes, uh, the second coming of Christ is the next

topic of this conversation. Oh, you might as well listen to her change gears like an old card. It's a chunk. Ooh. All right. Easy your own mom's clutch and then finish her line and just throw it into park while she was moving like perfectly motionless. You have when you're done with the line, you may not move or else, you know,

people can't see the other person's audio track. Well, they're talking. Well, I said in this, in the shot, she's in the two shot and the woman who's in the two shot does not know she's in the shot at all. She's not looking at her. She's just off. She's like, when did he outcut? And when can I go back to catering. So but Brady sure does wish Norma had been at this tent revival. Norma the slot, right? And this is and then we're going to we're going to meet Norma, right? So she's like, oh, let's all pray for Norma, not, not on screen. Let's, let's, let's move into this area of this unfilm area of the frame. Let me just lean out of frame for a quick prayer. Yeah. She comes back. She's got crumbs all over her mouth. Oh,

I'm like, you know, Jesus. It's like the cameras were nailed to the floor. and they were like, not even slightly movable. It doesn't even pivot. We will need to nail a new camera. No, just, she's out of frame. It's fine. All right.

So now we cut to Norma getting home from a date. This is so fuck, okay. So she gets home. She's dressed like she was a bride's made of a smurf's wedding, right? She appears to be wrapped in lace like, like she walked through a gay spider's web. Like, he was like, oh, really? She appears to be wrapped in lace like she walked through a gay spider's web. Like he was like, oh, really? Oh, car. Oh, car. She's led in the room by, I believe, an uncredited actor, the very handsome gentleman in Tuxedo. I'm sure they went to prom or whether they alope or whether she was on the game show. I was just about to park her car.

Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Jesus dressed fancy in the 50s was going to work at a minimum wage job of today. But yes, so she comes in. She says goodbye to her to her date. And then for some reason, she stands with her back to the door and runs through all the face emotions that she knows. Yeah, this, this director, let's an actor do their job.

He lets them use their faces and let us interpret subtext. And he let us interpret subtext for, I don't know, six minutes. Like, I thought like she was thinking about maybe I'll, maybe I should have sex, maybe I shouldn't have sex, maybe I should worship Satan sex maybe I should worship Satan maybe I should kill myself like There wasn't a thought I didn't think she had in the moment we had to watch her thing Maybe I should have sex as a lion now as a tiger now myself as a lion now as a now a really sad tiger And I just wrote man she just realized what movie she's in that can be hard

So she comes into the living room. She sees the family all sitting around talking about the 10 revivals. She's like, shit, why are you guys still awake? And the little boys like we were making sure your clothes would still be on frontwards. You're horny. Panty times. Panty times. Can we talk about her clothes for just a quick second that dress that's taking up the entire frame of the entire movie? Like she might as well shake like a wet dog

and splatter everyone with an entire dress of their own. It's insane. Oh, and this little boy is so stilted in his lines. I wrote fun fact. This little boy's lines were the first time he ever spoke and the last. Yeah, I had it down as throat constipation. I don't know what that is exactly. I think I think with her dress, maybe like she's being rolled up in a carpet like a mob hit that went unsuccessful. It's how they slug with Cleopatra in ya. So yeah, so, but they're gonna, all the family's gonna catch her up on all the tent revival action that she missed and they sure do wish that Norma would give her heart to the Lord. Oh.

At this point, the acting is so bad there is only one possible explanation. At last, Jenkins! Jenkins, get in here! Yes, Mr. Studeau Meyer, back in Haven. I've done it, my boy! The world's first autonomous robot! The world's first autonomous robot! Well, I'll say...

Language, Jenkins! Sorry, sir. Uh, what shall we use them for? Oh, I know just the thing! Yeah, and throughout, throughout, right? The world's first robots indeed. And so, this is also where we reveal that Norma, unlike the rest of the family, doesn't go to a fundamentalist church, she prefers minister wise who is a dump dump dump Progressive His the mom even says these exact words she says your preacher is tainted with modernism

He's only lynching gay people now Still sometimes it's medium lynching get woke people get woke we're doing medium lynching amounts. Also this at this point in the movie the camera starts somehow swaying in and out. I wasn't even on acid what was going on. I have no idea you know when you were a little kid and you got the big camcorder and your dad would let you play with it for a second and you'd go like, TORD? Out! TORD? It's like if you kept that footage in the movie.

Do you think that the team went toward on those old camcorders? What did it mean? And W was for way away. Yeah. For with with draw. Toured and with draw. Of course. Yes.

What is. Telephoto and white lens. But I like yours better. Right now I'm thinking back on the guy in the Tuxedo who dropped her off. Yeah, right. He's gonna talk to the next day and be like, wait, what happened when I dropped you? I changed Christianity's I couldn't hear what was happening. That's like I dropped off and you just got ambushed by every generation of your family. Yes.

All right. Oh, this is also where we get to see mom try some crying on. Oh, but, but just for a second. No, yeah, just a couple of tears. She stands, she cries for exactly two seconds because someone off camera was like, and stop or I'll hit you. Oh, God. And more complete stillness every single actor, it's like they all had to take a shit and they were squeezing it in.

You know, when you like don't want to move and you don't want to be near you because you're cl- you're talking it. Turtle head productions present. Absolutely. You don't have to inside of your pants touching your legs. You don't try to like stay inside of everything. Makes you shiver. I let this in film school, everyone fiber up.

Yeah, but normal feels terribly ashamed about not worshiping Jesus correctly. So she runs off to bed and the family decides they're all going to pray. Now apparently at this point in filmmaking, they hadn't learned to that. You can just face the camera and pray because everybody then turns, asks to the camera, right? Yeah. To deal against the couch. And we end this shot with just everyone's ass in the air. Yeah. Everyone's asking the air. We'd's drowning app singing what a friend we have

in Jesus over it. Like, and I know part of it is that the film was old. They got transferred to digital, but the other part is just this lady being like, you know, those new black singers that we have in 1953. I'm just going to hold these notes as quavery and sad as I can. Oh, I think with everyone turning away, it's like they knew in the 50s there's a huge prayer, warrior market and film. That's a tab on porn hub, anal prayer, and that's how they're close to seeing.

We actually get an ass voice. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so we follow Norma up to her room. She's gonna soak and then she's gonna fall asleep in her giant fucking spider web dress. Yeah, put some jammies on. Right?

And now, Jesus is here. Is that Jesus? Or is that like Isaac Donald? Yeah, he looks like Isaac Newton to me. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Before I saw this Jesus, I thought we already seen how much this director hates people of color.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He was, this Jesus was rather white and white director hates people of color. He was, this Jesus was rather white and light, so wasn't he? Like the way they made him more Jesus-y is by making him even wider. It did. They basically painted him white and put a giant blonde wig on. It was like, it was like, let's see, for this film, I want to do Hitler's version of Jesus. This film I want to do Hitler's version of Jesus. So yes, so Jesus comes down and stands over a teenage girl who's asleep. Nothing creepy there. And he's not mad, but he is disappointed.

She just got a guilt trip from three people in her living room and then goes up to sleep to just get it totally doubled down by Jesus in her dreams. Yeah, she's just get a divine guilt trip to go with it. Yeah. Oh, it's the worst. It's like when you get in a fight with your significant other and then you call your friend to like get him to sympathize with you and be like, no, it sounds like you're wrong

and you're like, no, this is not your job, come on, Jesus. What? People shouldn't have to do things they don't want to, ah, you guys don't get it. I told her to order her own fries if you wanted to. God damn fry. It was very fucking clear. Also, like, from a director's standpoint, she goes to sleep and then Jesus appears to talk to her. In her dreams, is she still sleeping in her dreams?

Or are we watching? What's she dreams? Like, all I know is that the actor has been painted white and put a blonde wig on. And he has to talk to like basically a dead body for a whole scene. Yeah. And, okay. And also we should point out that back in 1952 words didn't mean exactly what they mean today, right?

So when this guy is standing over the sleeping teenager talking about how she's been searching for pleasure, but only God can really give it to her. It probably meant something different to them. Yeah. Only the Lord can satisfy you. And I was like, okay, I'll watch this porn. I won't like it. But I'll watch it. It's like when you got a playlist going, right? You don't want to have to reach

over. But you're just like, yeah. All right. You win. porn hubs suggested you win. All right. But yes, the Lord wants to take away the darkness of her skepticism. I bet he does. And skin, apparently. Yes. This was a Mormon movie. Who knew? So now Jesus is going to ghost of Christmas past her, I guess, and show her like memories of how happy she was when she was a fundamentalist.

Remember before you could think this was so much easier. Oh, and we get to see her dad singing in church and so many people tweeted to me about how many terrible memories this brought up of their ordinary terrible singing dad who got up in front of all of their friends and family once we time he ends that mentions the Jews by name. Oh, time he ends, fuck the Jews, fuck the Jews. And you're doing old man river. You always end up doing old man river. I love it. Old man, fuck the Jews.

Don't try to combine them. Just no one to blame the Jews. Keep your racism separate separate if you would. Thank you buddy. He goes That's your space force get it right. Yeah, so it's but but also think about what a shit thing for Jesus to do This is he's like oh, you don't want to be a Christian anymore. That's okay. I'm sure your dead dad wouldn't be disappointed at all Look at him. I'm there. This is where I wrote in my notes. Jesus and my mom have the same dad. All right so yeah Jesus is playing the you promised dead dad you'd be Christian car.

Jesus he's like he's like remember when you told your dad you'd read the Bible every day but you don't anymore do do you? What a bitch. And she's like, yeah, I am a bitch. Almost like you don't want the same things that 17 is you're doing your seven. And only Christians think that should be consistent. Yeah. Also, but by the way, is this not a weird assignment for Jesus Christ, the son of God. Like God was like, all right, you're going to talk to people one at a time, but while they're sleeping, you're going to sneak into their bedrooms.

And ideally film them from five inches away the whole time. That'd be great. And okay, so now we're, it's time for Jesus to explain to us how she's like a stray sheep, but because that's such a complex concept, the stray sheep, we have to actually look at the stray sheep as he explains it. Oh, if you have a trouble visualizing that, these 1950s pre-vaccination sheep are look in rough. They look like everyone's ant to give you a book for Christmas. They're just like, uh, showed up in my Volvo. I don't know why a shake like this to you. That's why that was the most effective part.

It was like, you're a lost sheep. Not like a pretty sheep. Like one of these. You're a man. She lost flea ridden sheep. You're a man she lost flea ridden sheep. Yeah, but she's a lost sheep and Jesus has gone to find her, I guess. That's his job. Like you said, that's his job.

Yup. And we're just watching stock footage of sheep, right? Yeah. That's what's happening. Like for a while, I feel like the movie is just a bunch of stuff. A guy already had on tape. He was like, all right, I got sheep walking. I have people singing at church. It's actually my dad. He's really bad. I have the lady I'm stalking while she's asleep.

We're fucking movie. So Heath, would you call it stock yard footage? Yeah. Because the sheep. Yeah, yeah, you see because. You're so proud of that. He's quite proud. He let's stop us to go back for that. I love it. I feel like he's just needling us. All right.

And then Jesus accidentally reads stage directions. Seriously. Right? Right. Then X-C in the opens with him going, the scene shifts. And then he awkwardly pauses like James Blunt or something. Oh, fuck, that's not. I don't say we're still going, huh?

Still going. Cut. Nope. All right. Oh fuck that's not I don't know we're still going huh still going cut nope I Would be completely unsurprised if one of the actors in this movie at some point said cut no So yes, so now we cut to her as a kid playing with her friends I'm sorry now the scene shifts to her as a kid playing with her friends and then she goes in and she has like a mom montage, like mom putting her to sleep. Mom gets to sing too, I guess.

Yeah. No, Matt, you are from this generation. What year did hairlines? We're from 1952, Eli. Yeah, what year did hairlines move from the back of the skull to where they reside today? Can you know, based on this scene, they should all figure it out together

one year after my dad was born. You mean? Yes. Yeah, I don't know. You are very young. It's mine only went about halfway to where it is today. Yeah, let's be honest, not everybody's hair line is the same.

The point at the very front is almost where it's supposed to be, but the rest. Big wings. All right, so yeah, but the rest. Big wings. All right. So yeah, apparently this is a musical now. Dad, son, mom, son, we get the whole mom seeing her to sleep montage. And then she recalls the time that she went to the altar and accepted Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior or whatever it is, the thing that they do, you know, at the altar call. Mm-hmm. She says, and, and of course, Jesus, because he doesn't know what these words will mean in 2019 says, you wept as they sang, saying, Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come.

It's not weird yet. This is 1952. Love a weeper. Yes, my. All right, but Jesus calls her out because she didn't fully yield her heart to the Lord when she was 11 years old and prompted by the all the adults in her life to go up and say meaningless words that she couldn't possibly understand the implications of. Oh, it's the world's most boring nightmare. When you did exactly what I told you to do,

I feel like you didn't mean it. Really, we're having this fight, Jesus. You sure you don't want to do this at brunch with my parents, Jesus. Are you mad? No, you're fine. You're fine. I don't think you're fine. I think you're a liar, Jesus. And by the way, this entire scene is also a stalker cam with Jesus right next to her bed while she's sleeping and I just I wanted This girl's parents to walk in and just shoot Jesus in the face The Lord and damn it. Oh We need to I've got to be the Lord. We're gonna go to the North Pole

I don't know if they have like writers groups back in 1952, but I feel like there was like a Christian uptight mom movie writing script group and reading all of this dialogue from Jesus out loud. It's just a bunch of uptight moms. I'm like, yep, that's it. That's the way to get her. That's the way to nail her. Yeah, it was the first accidental chatbot.

The comic book code accidentally spat out this script. Totally. AI written from like uptight moms. Yeah, we figured it out. And we should point out because we keep talking about the stalker camp. This movie spends an inordinate amount of time watching this girl sleep. And I guess in 1952, that wasn't what a woman masturbating with her eyes closed looked like, right? Or maybe Christians just didn't know because

she's just constantly pawing and kind of half smiling and shit the entire time. I wonder if she was just fucking with them. She's like, they're not gonna know. I'm a masturbator this whole fucking movie. They won't. Well, and the other thing is you can tell that the creepy cameraman is trying to get like cheesecake shots, but she's dressed 1950s. So he's like, yeah, I'm going to shoot her slutty ankles. There's a little shoulder. There's a little shoulder, which if you zoom in is a butt.

That was the irony, the only access and budget, for the, for the access and budget they had to get only higher porn makers to shoot this film. Yeah. Well, at a couple of moments, they actually had to cut the, the, the scene of her sleeping. They had to cut her laying there and have like weird awkward edits in it. So like, yeah, maybe, yeah, maybe she was masturbating in between. I don't know. I wonder. And so somehow this actress failed at laying down though.

Yeah, well, that's what we know for sure. So now we cut to, I guess we've ended the Ghost of Christmas past portion and now we're going to the Ghost of Christmas future portion. But the movie doesn't tell us that. I'm telling you I'm making it a little easier on you Thank you. Yeah, I do it again and so now we cut to Norma. She's with the fam There's singing hymns around a piano together talking about the rapture Look if I've learned anything from the last couple of weeks of movies that we've done It's that 100% of the US population could play the piano before the year 1980,

because there was nothing else to do. That's actually, that's really, I mean, you're wrong on the year, but yeah, like before we had recorded music, yeah, basically everybody played the piano. It's the only way you get music in your life, yeah. People were better. Yeah, exactly. We need to make America great again. Exactly.

Greatest generation. So a piano and every house. Not enough piano players. It's an emergency. I tell you. So, okay, but before Norma can play her. So it turns to mom and she says, mom, will we be precisely the same after the rapture or will we be different? Mom's like, very strange that you should bring that up, but okay. That's a weird, great. It's like when you've been part of an MLM pitch

and there's one person there who's an obvious student who's like, so you're saying I can save time and money? Kathy, you're wearing a thrive pin. I can see you put a t-shirt on over a shirt that says thrive. We have a thrive pin on it. Okay. But yeah, but mom explains how awesome and white bathrobe either rapture's going to be.

Right. They are very clearly. We get a shot of them all very clearly wrapped in sheets here. They didn't bring the hoods. It's fine. Yeah, the other the other stock footage this guy had was home videos of clan rally. All right. Now one without the masks. That's why he started shooting and cutting everyone's heads off.

Oh, they're all just wearing clan hoods the whole time. So if you're watching this movie anytime you can't see someone's head it's because they're wearing a clan hood. Oh, that makes a lot of sense. But this movie into contact. And this is where we get his 1950 special effects of them, which is him starting the camera up and then panning down. I think you dropped the camera and went, well, normally those things are nailed down. It takes a lot of special effects to move those man. Come on. There's no budget in the crew for overtime.

So he was shooting. They're like, we're out of here. Yeah. Shooting as he's walking out the door. Just yank the camera with them. All right. But so I thought that this was some kind of hypothetical imagine because little girls like, what will the rapture be like? And then Granny says, well, we'll be in white bath ropes. It'll be cloudy. We'll kind of fly, but really we'll just pan down. And and then we see all of that happened, but actually that is the rapture happening in this movie, right? Yep.

So it's her dreaming anyway, the director's happy. Yeah, it's still a dream. They they remind us of that. I don't, I don't know how anyone in this podcast thinks they can answer that question with authority. and this podcast thinks they can answer that question with authority. But yeah, but so this is apparently that we give the moment where she stands there going like, oh my goodness, I Norman Norton have been left behind at the rapture because I am an incorrect type of Christian. She gives her full name. I Norman Gray, I at Norton. Sorry. I just don't want to be maybe there's a confusion to grab the wrong Norman Norton anybody

I know okay, I'm supposed to be sorry to like when you're at the DMVs and you got a Smith name or a gen you stand up and another person Okay, hell on earth demon locust No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and everybody's like, Norma L. Norton, like cheers. Yes. All right. And then we cut to her progressive pastor getting a phone call. Now Reverend Wise is visually, imagine Mr. Peanut dressed up as Mike Pence for Halloween. Excellent. I have him down as calm. I'm calmer than you are. Oh my god, this conversation. Okay. So we cut to him getting a phone call. This conversation is so bizarre that it's almost intentionally

humorous, right? It's almost impossible to imagine they weren't just fucking with us here. Because he's going like this is the actual line from the guy on the phone call. He says, a Reverend wise, I'm quite upset about the large number of people who have disappeared. If I was going to describe what happened today, I'd mention a good deal of people disappearing. But Reverend Wise is like, yeah, and Reverend Wise is like, well, let's not, you know, I try not to get unduly distressed over these kinds of things. I'm like, this is not a kind of thing. Yeah, man, don't worry about it. It's probably just something weird

with the photons today. It's a good thing. We're not even gentlicals. I'm gonna go have gay sex with someone who is visible. They're all visible, okay. The phone call literally ends with the guy on the phone going, I'm gonna head to work. And he's like, yeah, you're doing that.

I mean, unless, unless everyone disappeared, in case, just kind of, do you have to let's beat the rescues. I don't know. My only hypothesis about this scene is that since it's 1953, everyone thought they were going to get nuked at any moment. So this is how calm all people were all the time. Oh, yeah. This is what it makes so much more sense if he said that as he got underneath his desk.

Yeah. Let's stay calm about this now. Come and duck and cover with it. Yeah. Right. Right. No, this works. My kid told me.

Yeah. No, but the Reverend basically advises him just to ignore the rapture until it goes away. You can use the desk to ignore the rapture until it goes away. You can use the desk to block the rapture too. Yeah. So and now Reverend, yeah, these try and gods try to take you, but you keep banging into the drawer. So. All right. So now Reverend, wise as secretary, well, the secretary from the neck down comes into see him. She's obviously wearing the the clan hood. Yeah. So and she goes, yeah, Reverend was eyes don't know where your wife and daughter are.

Now keep mind he just got off the phone with a guy talking about, you know, half the people in the world disappeared. And he's like, where are my wife and daughters? Like no fucking clue, man. No clue. And he's like, what? I can't hear you without your face. Can you come? Can you come back in with your face in the frame?

Oh, I cannot. Again, he is so nonchalant. He's like, my wife and daughter come back from being totally vanished from the face of the earth since last night. No, well, let me know when they do. You don't know, oh yeah, I can't this time. It takes him so long to realize,

like to the point where you feel like maybe he had, you know, like maybe he had arranged for a kidnapping and a murder to happen that day, but they got raptured right beforehand or something, you know, so he knew they were going to be missing, but they I don't know. Yeah. Just practicing the phone call with John Boney ran his parents. All right. So stay cool. Stay calm. Write my own note. What? Sorry.

So also from like a writing perspective, the scene is a disaster, right? Because like, it's like, where's my wife and child? Well, I was going to get to that. Well, I got other things in my mind. Oh, wait. At the window, there's more people here. It's like, why did you write the people approaching before this conversation is like, yes.

Like, like, there's a whole crowd of people is like, well, tell them to wait. I tell this scene is over. Yeah. They put like a paragraph. Tell them it's like one paragraph. They're going to be fine. It's like if I'm listening to the script, I'm like, just have the crowd show up after

that. He keeps having to say like, oh, wait, this scene was about my fucking kids. Shit. What about that? Yeah. I've just taken a prioritizing class at the learning annex. And let me see here. I've got a mob outside.

My wife and children are missing. And I haven't offered you a seat. Let's see if you have those things in order. And this is where he does the single pace. Oh my god. it's amazing. I didn't know you could pace just once, but he does it. One step to the right. One step to the left. And that is quite enough of that. He's like, he's like, oh, where could my wife and daughter be? He stands up. Does the one step forward one step back like it's a dance or something

and sits back down. This is very mysterious. I should probably think about this while walking. Let me see if being in the frame helps. Nope. Still mysterious. All right. And then this is where we introduce Mrs. Stillers or no, I'm sorry, Mrs. Stiller is there, but Mrs. Winters is on the phone because again, this fucking script is just a goddamn mess. They don't have it in their heads that they can do these things one at a time. So Mrs. Winters is worried about her kids who are missing and the reverence like, why would you call me about that?

Aren't there police? Which he has a point. Yep. Yeah, Probably pastors not the right guy to call there. There's a couple of points where if you don't believe it's the rapture, the pastor is dead on. Yeah. Exactly. And this is one of them. There's one to way more important one. But I don't know if we're going to get to that. We're going to get to that in a moment. Yeah. So, okay. Then Mrs. Stiller comes into his office, right? And she says, I'm here to talk to you about your wife and daughter, to which he says, oh, they're all right, then good.

That's a weird assumption. I really wanted her to be like, ah. You see how I'm all distressed and I came in the morning after everyone disappeared and said quite like fervently, I'm here to talk about your wife and daughter. What about that makes you think they're all right? Like what about that screams? They're just fine to you. I am a hundred percent taking this tactic when the principal calls me from my kids schools

from now on. I called you by, oh, they're fine. Matt, we're here to talk to you about your kids. How they doing? Fantastic. Well, thanks. Are you telling me they're not disappeared? This is fucking great. You come in every morning at this time to tell me my wife and daughter still exists. So we're mailing it. Hello, Matt, it's St. Rose Hospital. It's about your wife. Oh, she's fantastic. Thank you. A doctor knows that my wife is fantastic. Excellent. Goodbye. Could you put her on for not

just don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Good talk. Good talk. Can you talk to a teller? I'm slaying. Spire. All right. So, but yeah, but well, Mrs. Stillers in there to talk to about his wife and his daughter. This huge crowd shows up that wants to return his defective brand of Christianity. Yes. So we, we pan this crowd of like, I guess this is supposed to be an angry mob, but it's the fifties, right? So they're just shaking their fists and shits.

Hey, this is the 1950s equivalent of shitting in your hand and throwing it. No, it's pretty intense. And they finally got the top of the frame above head level for the very first time in this movie. So that was exciting. But all of these people had heads. It was awesome. Yeah.

Well, I really wanted the crowd to have no heads. I would have been really excited if it was just like all hoods. Yeah. Okay. But he's like, he's like, why would they come to see me in such a distressing time? And even Mrs. Stillers like, dude, you're their fucking pastor. This is the least egotistical pastor I've ever seen. He's a good thing.

Yeah, right. He's like, yeah, but that past, that means I'm useless though. She's going down with the kids called the cops. Uh, she's going down the town. Why don't bother me? Yeah. And this is where he suddenly remembers this scene was supposed to be out about his wife and daughter, right? He's like, Oh, right. Were you here to tell me about? She's like, odd that we would script this and not just go back, but yes, that is what I was here. That's amazing. But it just was like, Oh, yeah, I forgot. I don't know where my wife and kid are. Yeah. It's like this script was written by an Alzheimer's patient who bums you

out while visiting grandma just like, where am I?. Yeah. He's so upset about the wrong shit, right? From this point on. So first of all, we have to point out every time he gets upset, you can tell because he stands up and then sits back down. Yep. Like a state of the union at a certain point here, like a boppet clown. Like I expected at any moment for someone to come and push him over and for him to spring right back up. I don't know. We're like hit him with a mallet and then another one of him pops up over here or something. Yeah. But she says, I saw your wife.

I don't know where your wife and daughter is, but I saw them at that tent revival and he hates tent revival so much. Oh, that is, he's so mad. He stands up again and then gets specred down again. I think what happens is he was taught by a personal trainer to take out his anger on his glutes. You've got to wonder what must this direction have been like? I think it's, I think it's the actor, funny with the director like, if I'm angry, I feel

like I'd stand. He's like, well, I wrote this for you sitting down. Well, then we'll do both. Oh, does it matter suddenly? Does it suddenly matter if my head's in frame? Oh, okay, okay. I don't care where your precious frame is. I'm an actor.

I stand when I'm angry. I think I know what this direction was like. All right, now, Joe, in this scene, you find out your wife and daughter went to the big revival meeting and you're really torn up about it. Got it? Oh yeah. I saw them last night at the revival. What impossible stand?

Cut! Joe, the line is what? Impossible. And then you stand. You don't say stand. Oh, okay, I see. Sorry. Try it again.

Action. I saw them last night at the revival What impossible and then you stand you don't say stand no just say what impossible? What impossible during the scene okay? Sorry, so I got it okay keep rolling action I Saw them last what. What is possible? Never mind. Exactly. But here's my question.

Is his first reaction that he thinks the evangelical minister is fucking his wife and child together? Because that's definitely what I got from his reaction. He's like, wait till I get my hands on him. It's like, oh, this. All right number two. I said about it, or the priest was dead right, point number one was called the cops of kids are missing. And point number two, if there's even a 1% chance, this rapture thing isn't happening. Yeah, your wife for a hair, wait for it off of this sexy guy. Yes. Yeah, well, this is hilarious. She goes like, he says, wait till I get my hand on that preacher

and the woman, Mrs. Stiller says, oh, you won't be getting your hands on him. And his immediate reaction is, you mean he ran off with my wife and kid? She's like, why the fuck would you assume that, dude? It's like because of the facts, dude. And then after all of this is secretary who walks in, fuck would you assume that dude? It's like because of the facts dude. And then after all of this is secretary who walks in, he turns to the secretary and he

goes, where's my wife and kids? It's the again, scripting via Alzheimer's. And she's like, yeah, okay, just to review our conversation from one minute ago, I will repeat the exact same words. You're family to a revival meeting, another guy. And with everybody else, the meeting, you said that. Quick question, where are my wife and kids? And these two women are there, be like, listen, stop worrying about your family.

Let's talk about your path of Christianity. Yeah, if you're right, let's get to something important. This guy just won't let us wife and kids go. And this is where we learn that Revan Wise is a moderate Christian pastor of nihilism. That's what that means. I'm a progressive pastor, So we believe in literally nothing. I would describe that as much less than the amount of stuff they believe in at the revival. If I'm being honest, we wrote down their beliefs and stacked it up. Their pile would be way taller than

our nothing pile. I heard they met the other day like midnight. I would never do that. I'm a, I'm a hard out of 10 p.m. with my Christianity every night. Well, tell you what, right then, though, Norma shows up. She's about to shed a little light on this whole thing, but holy shit, do I need a break before this scene goes on any longer? So let me give act three, the hard sell here. Can Nick Cage land the plane in time? Will their parkour be enough to take down the Antichrist? You ever notice how all the rapture movies just run together in your head? Find out the answers to these questions and more when we return for the monotone conclusion of the missing Christians. Christian. Oh, hello everyone. Welcome to Reverend Wise's Church of the atheist Christian dumb. Let's

get this thing started. Anybody got a Bible? No. Fuck. No, I should have brought one. Okay, okay, that's fine. I have this salad dressing bottle. I'm just gonna read from that instead. Mrs. Stoodenmeyer, you want to... I live oil, milk, spices, paprika, cinnamon, salt and pepper. Salt, pepper, pepper, and milk in it. Alright, let's go home and have some gay sex. Pfft. Cazah!

And we're back for more of this shit when we left off. Revvern wise was holding a large white box with the word rapture printed on the outside, wondering what it could be. But luckily Norma's here now to fill him in on the outside wondering what it could be. But luckily Norma's here now to fill them in on the details. She's like, no, trust me, it's my dream. I know what's going on. Yeah. I love that they flashed to her sleeping face in case we forgot this is a dream and maybe a movie. The title card just says still a movie. Yeah. Yeah. Smooth.

Smile in the movie. So, Norma comes in and the, and the Reverend goes, what is it Norma? I'm like, I don't know. Maybe people disappearing, man. I just, I'm just throwing it out there as a guess. She's like, oh, man, my family's missing. Can you help me with any good advice about the nothing we believe?

Do you have anything about that? And Mrs. Stellar bless her little heart says, I'm sure they're just out visiting someone. The best. Why would you think that Mrs. Stellar? But Norm is not buying that, they're out visiting bullshit. She's like, nope, nope. It was the rapture and Rev. And why is it like, where did you learn this? She's like, from the Bible. Show me your Bible. And I'll show it to you.

But of course, he's a progressive reverend. This is the, it is a 20 minute montage of him being like Bible, Bible opening to our others. So let me check my drawers. Nope. This first one holds my nothing. What about this one? No, that's the Quran. I have the Quran in this one. Is that no? Okay, here it is. It's in my low priority drawer. Yeah. So he finally finds his Bible. And she opens it to first Thessalonians to read to us about the rapture and Reverend Wise tries to talk her down from this fundamentalist bullshit, but she's pretty pissed, right? And there's this awesome moment. It's the most honest anyone has ever been with a pastor in a Christian movie, right?

Because he's the bad guy, pastor. He's the progressive pastor. So she's allowed to say, everything you told me was deceptive nonsense. You've taken advantage of me. These are all lies. And I'm like, yep, that is, that is how to handle a pastor. The actress just keeps going. It cuts away hard.

Sorry, sorry. Someone needed an electric shock therapy, but Norma is fine now. Norma, I also just want to say that like I also, again, if you just think about this from the priest from the pastor's perspective, his wife and kid are missing and this woman was like, no, no, check this out. Open your Bible. They're gone. The pastor's like, Norma, you're hysterical. Slaps her in the face a bunch of times. I need to give you a hand job now. I'll calm you the fuck down.

Okay, there is a moment of that where you have to go, because he goes, Norma, you're, and then there's a hard cut and she goes, oh, no, I'm not. Like, what did they cut? You're acting like a Jewish Norma? Yeah, right. You're acting like a Jewish normal. Yeah, right. You're acting like a Jewish again. I have this dildo of Darwin's exact replica penis,

I will need to use this to calm you down. It actually was a non-sequitory, you know, females deserve to have orgasms and then just totally. I'm sorry, what? Get that out of the film. I don't even know what words you're saying that's not. Yeah, right, right.

I think Keith wanted to sit out of the podcast. Burn this down and kill the crew. And also, we notice, and if you watch any of these movies along with us, you already know this, but normal reminds us that the more Christian you are, the more syllables you can get out of the word Lord, she's at three. She definitely saw a production of the glass, Manasherian was like, God, it's taking notes. Gonna nail it in my Christian movie. Yeah, but this is where she admits that she half-dass her alter call and wouldn't be a real

question because she was afraid her friends would pick on her. And at this point, she's yelling at the pattern at Reverend Wyzen. He's backing away from her. And it's hilarious because at a certain point, he's like hiding behind the curtains. He's climbing on things. Again, anytime this guy moves, it's gold. And these two lines appear exactly in order. I thought my parents were fanatics and now we're all going to go to hell. So the people believe this stuff isn't a fanatic. We're going to burn in fire forever.

fire forever. Got sucked in by your dungeon of horrors that is moderate religion. And now we're going to hell. Oh, yeah. Mrs. Stiller at this point, she says, well, my none of my friends grad raptured because they love their, I am not making this shit up. They love their card parties and dances more than they love the more. How mad would you be if you get down to hell and the devil's just like, do you know why you're here and you're like, why? And he's like, bridge.

Yeah. This movie is warning us about the dangers of Uno and doing the Charles stand dancing. And dancing. Yeah. With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for polka. Yes. with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for polka. Yes. Proto-Lover said on the script of his capital L,

Olka and they had to cross it out and put it. That stands for physics. L. L. L. L. L. L. L. L. Yeah, so but but Reverend wise realizes the error of his ways and he sure is ashamed of

all that incorrect preaching he's doing. He's been doing his whole life. He sure is sorry. Yep. But okay, here's the thing about this movie. It's supposed to convince us to be Christian and look, if the rapture happened, I too would start believing in the Bible. If I dreamed about it, why are they undercutting their own stupid fucking movie? You don't have to make it a dream. You can make it the movie. Yeah. Be We should probably get ready for what our show will be like if we're wrong. Well, that's true

And so yeah again just want to emphasize that we were Wrong I sorry for those that we got You know Amd to hell on earth. Yeah, our bad. Yep, our bad, our bad. And also, side note, many of you have noticed that Heath will no longer be on the show. I'll let you say we always thought he was joking about that. Pascal's wager stuff, but good one, Heath.

Yeah, good one. Good one, Heath. Thank you. You can't be in the skit. You're, Heath. Thank you. You can't be in the skit. You're not in the skit. You got rapture. You're in it. You're in it. You're in heaven with me. I can make noise from heaven and you can hear me. It's okay. That's how it works. So I guess you have to put milk and salad dressing to get rapture. You have to not actually have to.

Maybe the script is based on someone's actual dream and they're like, we have to say true. We have to say true to the source material. Yeah. It's just one Daniel Day Lewis in the Bay and the fucking writers room screaming and shouting, well, dad ain't, well, I dreamed. Right. We believe in nothing. Nothing happens. They're like, no, we No, we believe in nothing. Nothing happens.

They're like, no, we can make it, you know, so that we just portray the rapture and just deal with the rapture. It was a dream. It says a dream. Don't want this movie to be unrealistic, do you? And this is where everyone's taking turn going, boy, was I wrong. No, I was wrong. And it just occurred to me.

It made me feel so warm and cozy. They've been having the same goddamn fantasy since the 1950s. Pretty much everyone who made this movie is dead and demonstrably wrong. I just, you know, I, a little sunny note for me. Yeah, everyone. There's something funny about watching a movie made in 1952 that insists the rapture is going to happen any minute, right? Also, by the way, the New Testament does that too. And you've case you're curious. I just wish there was a fourth guy in the room was like, you know what? I love go fish. And nothing's going to change that. Not even this.

I did have sevens though, the mother fucking liar. All right. So, and, and, uh, by the way, this scene ends, they go for a, a dolly zoom on the faces of the three people in the scene, but they only kept two out of three of those dolly zooms, which means Norma fucked up her dolly zoom. She couldn't just sit there. She was like running away too. And they were like, no, no, no, we're doing it. God damn it. I'm just pushing the tea. It's time to run away. That's what he's done.

Put on the hood. God damn it. I'm not that close yet. You already said it was my martini shot. And I'm too martini's in. I can't, I can't shoot a close up. I'm hammered. All right. So now revered wise, the size to turn on the television box and see if, if there's anything on about this rapture on the news, I feel like even in 1952, this should occur to you sooner. But luckily, they get it. The instant the networks cut into guiding light apparently, right? Oh, and so here's the thing. I wrote a bunch of notes about how stupid this newscast looks that the guys holding papers

and just standing there staring at camera. And I bring in and I was like, look out, don't this is, this is what they think news was like. And I was like, that is what news was like. And I'm like, no, it wasn't. So we YouTube did you guys just let a guy read off a fucking script in the 1950s? What happened? No one was like, what if you looked off the camera or anything?

It was all, it was a bunch of old fashioned radio guys who were like, I'm not changing for TV. Yeah, right. Right. The telepropters just a bunch of metal tablets. This is ridiculous. He's putting out a cigarette on howdy judeys face

as he's talking. Anyways, his Christians are gone. Drink your oval teen. So, yeah, so he goes, he's telling everybody Anyways, these Christians are gone. Drink your oval teen. So, yeah. So he goes, he's telling everybody, yeah, like, you know, all the Christians got raptured. He goes, nearly every home is reporting people missing except the Jews.

We're not really going to acknowledge their existence in this film. Uh, he says at one point, the group of people known as devoted Christians are missing. As though, and I guess this is what the fundees believed back then, that the rest of us also walked around calling them devoted Christians, right? Like, no, that's what you call yourself. You're lunatics, right? That's what we call you. All Christians are pretty sure they're devoted once.

Right. Yeah. Now all that's missing is like annoying people on the subway during your commute. So like we're all happy. I'm just like, you're a newsman. Sidesome sources. Where are you getting this information from? Yeah.

Well, he's getting it from scientists because here's the actual line we get. Scientists are baffled, nothing like this, in all of history, they say. So, what, like, who the fuck asked that question? Who's like, hello, scientists? Any examples of millions of people getting bamped together all at the same time? Could you list all of them?

None, you say there are none? Okay. I'm reporting this. He had to go to a scientist for the... Well, I had some follow-up questions about the times that people disappeared, but uh... What are your turn-ons? What are your turn-offs? He's thrown away giant mental note cards. They're crashing into stuff. I love you go. Who's at the end of the whole thing?

He's like, everybody got rapture. It looks like we're fucked. Anyway, time for the gospel. Oh, rapture. Shit. I would have I would have loved it so much more if that program was on. And now, okay, you're going to laugh.

This actually kind of funny. Guess who showed up with a 100% arrival, right? That's right. Oh, the irony of all Johnny perfect attendance. Not here. And also, I think you should be know that he is the best actor in the film. The news reporter. Yeah, he just crushes it. Oh, I buy it. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. By the standard we've set in this film, yes.

Yeah, no, it's a low bar, but still, I think he deserves a little credit for being the best actor in this film. I believe the bar is the top of the frame and he is inside. Hahaha. Also, this is where you talked about how it was 50 minutes long, but it felt like three hours. I couldn't believe this was not the end of it.

Right. That was not. It felt so much like we were listening to the end of this movie. It was such a fucking tease yet because he goes like, you know, just the other day, Johnny Gaspelauer told me that he believed the rapture was right around the corner and in the real world, that would be an insane thing for him to say, but this is a movie. So it's not. So I'm just going to play his theme song in his honor so that you can hear more of what music sound like before we started stealing from the blacks. And again, all of the religious songs were so honest. Pre 1990s, it's a man just like fuck the Jews and the Muslims.

Get out of the sun that he's singing about how wow sure is going to be a shame when all the other Christians leave and you're not Jesus yet. Yes. Probably shouldn't have given them Jerusalem by four. That was from five years ago. Hey, listen, making a movie, we need to make a soundtrack. I need the widest, widest chorus you can find. And we're just going to do the whole thing live.

We're just going to record a straight through and just like in a church, we're just going to record the whole soundtrack and slap it on there. You know that ghost that haunts the Huckleberry Mansion? This is two games. They asked the super white blonde hair Jesus if he knew some people. He's like, yeah. Anyone with albinism in you are immediate circle. And then for no fucking reason at all, a narrator starts reading

us the parable of the 10 bridegrooms, which is a mate right because that parable obviously breaks down because the guy behind the door is very clearly the dick. But when you visualize it, it's just a bunch of women coming up and being like, hi, I know you and I'm a nice lady. Get the fuck out of here. Go bird in hell forever. Well, and it starts off like, because you got five bright rooms have enough oil and five that don't, right? And the five that don't are like, hey, can we borrow some oil?

And they're like, go fuck yourselves, right? Those are the good guys in the story going like, go fuck yourself, get your own oil. So that they want to off. Yeah. So the moral of the story is that Christians should shut the fuck up and be secretive. Like, I mean, that would be great, but I don't think that's what they meant to tell us. Yeah, they are way sharing the oil and I would love for them to stop. They shared the oil a little bit less.

We wouldn't have a career. So, you know, it's a little 50-50. Welcome to the church of Shush. Also just small thing, when this scene starts with the the bridegroom thing, the little reenactment, I thought they were showing us a bunch of homeless people because of the rapture. And I was like, every rapture movie does this, like there'd be this like mass homeless problem all of a sudden when people disappear. Yeah. Which makes like, do they think all the Christian buildings got raptured to like, well, you know, businesses, the Supreme Court is determined that businesses can be Christian. Heath. So all the hobby lobbies are gone. Just to pile a curtains on a foundation.

That was the weirdest jib and the, and the newscaster thing was like all businesses are, are not doing well. It was like one of the things he said in the newscaster part, which is like only devout Christians spend money. Businesses at a stand still. And that's how we know the Jews are running the economy. Wait, fine. That's a fucked up our thing. We had a, how amazing, how amazing would that be though to go to hell and have a building next to you getting tortured? You're just like Wendy's. What did you do? Oh, you're a Wendy's. Yeah, that makes sense. Sure. Why you always out of chocolate frosties. Exactly. You deserve this. Your milk machine wasn't broken when I pulled up 50 minutes before you liar liar. You just don't want to get up the stuff.

I know you just cleaned the heads. Fucking take them back out. I don't care. All right. So we work our way through this parable. By the way, one of the great things about trying to do biblical parables visually is that they don't make any fucking sense and that's fine when they're written, right? So like when you write that Samson killed 500 people with a jawbone of an ass, it's nowhere

near as dumb as when you try to visualize that, right? So in this parable, repeatedly five people are talking to five other people, but that's not how humans talk. But in the visualization, they have the five people speaking in unison other people, but that's not how humans talk. But in the visualization, they have the five people speaking in unison, like a bad row, row, row, row your boat, right? Can we try this? Can we go for a wear wear wear wear is my oil? I need some form of heat. Honestly, even with the VoIP delay, I think we do better than they did in this film. Where, where, where is my, oh, I'm the other side of it.

Yeah, right. Yeah, we're not all good. All right. So one by one, they go to the door and they're like, hey, Jesus, I brought some good weed for the party. And he's like, fuck off. We got enough bitches here. And they're also just all telling the stories like, oh, I give a bunch of money to the church. I help homeless people. I'm extraordinarily good person. And God's like, yeah, no, doesn't

matter. Doing good stuff does not count in our religion. And apparently this movie that I'm in, it's a movie, by the way, we decided to emphasize this because we're dumb. I think this is the slickest directing of the movie because it's clearly the same person walking out to the right and then going back around. You can't see their faces. The same height is just the same person just knocking on the door walking around the camera. The same cactus goes up to the door a bunch of times in a row. Yeah. It's like, it's like with the way they're eventually going to convince Trump, he's got the wall. You know, it's like they're doing that running around behind. Yeah. Also, by the way, heaven is apparently

a first floor shitty apartment with a plywood door that doesn't open. I literally wrote in my notes, he, having his heat department. Whatever guys, it's a brown stone and years from now it's going to be worth millions. Yeah. Whatever you can slide the plywood. I have it set up so you can move it, you can get in. And then they start singing. And so one by one we go through all five of these girls that come up and say, come on Jesus, Salah, do hand stuff, I'll do mouth stuff. And he's like, no, too late. And then they start singing this creepy ass him about being too late to love Jesus.

And it's almost pithenoscates, so fucking direct. You know, it's almost please don't boil us in a vat. But then just then normal wakes up from this terrible, terrible dream. Yep. She sits straight up out of bed just because even in the 1950s, no one could go fuck himself. Yeah, well, she doesn't quite do the straight stuff. She's, yeah, she's better than most, but yeah, she wakes up and she's

she says, oh my god, it was only a dream, but it could come true. And I'm like false. And she says, it will come true. I'm like, false. We're getting colder. What? False, you are dead now. Yes. Yeah. And she's like, what a terrible dream. And we get this weird like wizard of Oz moment, like, but really sad. She's like, oh, God was just this really inept shitty wizard behind a curtain. And he lied to this little girl and lied to a mentally disabled scarecrow and told a robot with a heart to go on a dangerous journey for a heart lied to a lion with PTSD. He's an asshole. He's an asshole guy. Also, anyone who falls asleep in that uncomfortable dress is going to have bad dreams.

Yeah, right. But this is where she finds her dad's passive aggressive by. In a column of light. That was just sitting there. She goes, what could this possibly be? It's the only set piece. Is this the soul of Marcellus Wallace? No, it's like a Bible. Amazing. I just thought there was an overhead spotlight in my room. Hear that. Hand me that Bible. It's the one that says bad mother fucker on it. Yeah. But she opens the Bible. She's like, huh, it's my dad's Bible. Dad died years ago. And I've never read the note in it. What? There's a note in it. And apparently, dad was oddly prescient about how I was going to turn into one of them filthy, progressive Christians

and fall asleep in my dress and have Jesus dreams. And oh, my goodness, it's the first ever passive, aggressive Facebook message. And look, we've been forwarded a lot of these from listeners. So we know the tone. It's like, I just want you to know I love you. Here's proof I don't for six paragraphs. And I love that there was a little bit of a disclaimer in the letter from dad too. It was like, you're Norma.

Ah, sure hope. God makes you open this at the right time. If you're, if you're reading this and it's not the rapture, I guess just put this back in the column of light. And forget I said rapture, don't you said rapture? It's a small part. It's about the rapture. Well, yes. So she reads the note from Dad about how Dad would be super proud of her if she was better at being Christian.

So then she cry praise. She literally choose the scenery for a second. She literally bites the cushion of the pillow. She's crying. She does. Yeah, but she sure hopes Jesus can find it in her heart to forgive her for all that bridge play in and dance and And now she's at peace and this is also so she's you know Thanking God for saving her soul and mom is supposed to come on into the scene

Afterwards But she shows up too soon and she just stands there awkwardly for like four seconds. Amazing. Hello today, Norma. And there's actually a cut in mom walking five steps. Also, this was the second try. I am just I really want to see what happened during that cup. What did she do? Did she start doing like a dance move that they didn't like? Start playing bridge. She started doing the loka.

I don't know. Yeah, but she creeps into the scene under sure of her cue. And then the, the daughter says, thank you, mom. You bothered me until I believed in your version of the religion. I sure do appreciate the way that you bothered me until I agreed with you just like I'm sure the daughters of the women watching this film will eventually learn to appreciate that. You sure won't end up alone in a home. Let me promise you that right now. Thanks for saving me late for

And and forgive me for making you send Scorpion horse locusts to sexually assault me God Forgive me for that. That is on me And then so they then they failed the mannequin challenge, right? They were supposed to do a freeze frame, but they didn't realize how that was done. They're like, no, hold stiller. Oh, it's the fat, the fake freeze at the end where, yeah, where Norma tries to hold her breath, but they hold it too long. So you see her go like, there's like four cuts in the freeze frame. And then the movie closes off by instructing us to lease Bauer D's in prayer.

Yes. I don't know much. You guys, I bowed my D in prayer after this. I don't know. I didn't bow my D until I went back and rewatch the Jesus only, you can find pleasure through Jesus bedroom. Yeah. Only he can give you satisfaction.

We've all been there. All right. So, that's the end of the movie, apparently. That's all we needed to know about that. So my question to close things off is after seeing the fashions and hairstyles and prudery that defined the fifties, how did we end up with the sixties and seventies? Oh, opposite day. Oh, I was going to say, um'm marital sexual assault didn't exist.

Oh, right. No, okay. Still doesn't in a bunch of states right now. Pretty sure. Well, that's thanks. Heath for adding such a. Bring it down. I know I was going to say LSD, but that's everyone looks like a lizard.

Now, all right. Well, Matt, I'm dying to know too. Obviously this is your first time and most of our guests, you know, it's first time last time kind of a thing, but like, out of curiosity, how bad was this like compared to what you expected? Well, you know, I actually love this because I was expecting, like, maybe like, I've actually even known people who make like more modern Christian movies that try to stay hip and stuff. And I was really actually thrilled to see something. Yeah, let's go right from A to A to A. Like just go right down the line of like the most

Christian logic slam you over the head. This is what we can do with all of our resources. Give us access to them. Who are they? I actually, I actually was thinking there's a guy I know who did direct some Christian movies who I bet would do this podcast. Bring him to us.

Yeah. It's funny. We actually have a guy who directed several Christian movies that we've done that is a listener. He's an atheist. He's a listener. He loves the, he loves the show and everything. And he's just occasionally a writer and say, come on, man, come on. The cinematographer was good. I did my best. I did my best. I know. I know. Come on. You guys didn't mention it all that it really. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. You guys didn't mention at all that it really did have good cinematography. All right.

So Matt, can't think enough for hanging out with us, but if our listeners aren't quite done with you yet, where can they go to find more of you? Okay. You can go to haisewscoops.com or search on any podcast app for Matt and Matt on these ice cream social. Me and my comedy partner Paul Mattingly were struggling Vegas, comedians living in this crazy lost Vegas. So it's just a it's a nonsense.

Totally comedy first podcast that comes out twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays and this yeah, we we he is a he is a Kentucky born, uh, uh, star trek guy. And I am a, uh, I was a sports playing New Jersey guy. And we have no interest in common except for making each other laugh. And so every week, just a clash of how the hell do we even get along, uh, every week? Awesome. Awesome. And of course, if, if the instructions that Matt gave you are a little too complicated,

you can also check the show notes for this episode. I'll have everything linked on there. Matt, thanks again, man. Yeah, thank you guys. And while that doesn't for our review of the missing Christians, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to rope you back in next week. So Eli, tell us what's on deck? Run the race.

Oh God. It's the Tim Tebow Brothers movie, everybody. No, coming to a theater near your aunt. Yeah. Right. No, hopefully it won't be the thing is, it won't be a theater near me, but it'll probably be a church near me. So I might be like, I see an image. So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 183 to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Matt Donnelly for hanging out with us today. And perhaps even a huge of thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go. If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a perhaps a donation to a merciful close. Once again, a huge thanks to Matt Donnelly for hanging out with us today. And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a prepsidination of patreon.com. So I've got off of them there by your early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed this,

show me sure to check out our sibling shows the Skating Aideas citation needed in the sketch of Cran, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever all its podcast lip. If you have questions, comments, or sit about any suggestions, you can email GodoffelemoviesaGmail.com, legal services for the spotcaster provided by the law if this is a P.A. on Drittoris, Tim Robertson,

takes care of our social media, our theme song is written in performed by Ryan Slotnik and Veevel Drafts on Mars, although the music was written in performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark and once used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a check in your life this week for Heath and right, Neil Iboznik, I'm No Luzin, sponsored to work hard, and earned on the truck next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close. hard-nearing on the truck next week until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club clothes. God eventually saved up enough money to buy a door that opens with a knob. Norma went on to discover butt stuff and decided that the rap shirt could fuck itself. Everyone in this movie is dead and wrong. Yet. Everyone in this movie is dead and wrong. Yet. Ha ha! You're welcome Morgan whoever you are. He works in the shadows makes us sound good.

He's our listener. Yeah. YouTube's really hit us hard. And I just, if you wanted to thank Eli for giving you the first line, having the name Stude-A-Mire, Backer Haven in it, I just, you can thank him for that cheater, cheater, giving him hints. Thank you. Mike, Chris is zoo ski. What? That's a progressive church, y'all.

That's what the progressives do. Do you put soy milk in your salad dressing? Do you not? Okay. All right. Go to a house. And we didn't have those portable fucking, they didn't have portable Okay, all right good go to a house and We didn't have those portable fucking they didn't have portable

Jesus paper You think I'll make another point yeah We didn't have portable telepropters back then I could not come up with the Telepropters paper Portable badpropters back that I could not come up with a turn telepropters Ape or you They have portable Batman big pieces of paper. Yeah, that's We're easy Need big ones. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved