God Awful Movies - 185: The R.I.O.T.

Episode Date: March 5, 2019

This week, the guys team up for an atheist review of "The R.I.O.T."  Also known as "Wrist Control: The Musical." Come see us in Denver! https://theorientaltheater.com/event/332075/God-Awful-Movies-LIVE-in-Denver If you’d like to make a per episode donation, please check us out on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/GodAwful Our theme music is written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars. If you’d like to hear more, check out their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/EvilGiraffesOnMars/?fref=ts   All our other music was written and performed by Morgan Clarke. To hear more from him, check him out here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/

You sure are good at paperwork. Nobody paperwork's like you, cut. I mean Vinny, wink. Man, you can sing, you can do martial arts, you can act, and you probably should write the next great American novel. Character, not person, who's my boss? You wrote these words for me to sing? Banana, pajama, pajama, banana. Stop it. No, you stop it. I'm auto-dictator. I heard a rumor, your dick was so huge, but you don't use it because Jesus... Not awful. Movie! Movie! Who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be who will be because we happened to find the greatest movie in all of history, get excited.

I'm Heathen, right? And with Noah doing some birthday celebrating, you'll have to deal with me as host today. Sorry about that. And sitting about 700 miles to my left, somewhere in New Jersey, is the kid who your mom makes you be friends with, Eli Bosnick, Eli, how's it going buddy?

I'm fantastic, Keith. I'm also in charge because Noah's dad just dibs dibs in that right now throwing that out there. That's like a bad idea. And sitting about the same distance away, somewhere in the beautiful city of New York where Eli once lived back when he had dreams and aspirations is repeat guest maskest and our most requested guest, Devon Header. Devon, welcome back to the show. Thanks so much.

I didn't realize I was the most requested guest. It's almost as if I wrote that in. That's what you guys want to pay attention. And we love him. That's canon now. That's canon. That's true. You tell all your other guests to get fucked. I'm sorry. How many people requested you? Zero? That's right. You tell all your other guests to get fucked. I'm sorry. How many people requested you? Zero? That's right. Get out. I haven't devin again. Excellent. We'll just get fucked. That'll be, we'll play that audio

right in at the beginning every time we have a new guest. That'll be fun. Love it. All right. So tell us, Devon, what are we going to be breaking down today? We watched The Riot, the story of risk control the musical. Yes, we did. It's a musical. That's right. And Eli, how bad was risk control the musical? Well, if you're a racist and you wish MTV was just for you. You will love this movie. It's every racist meme your ant shares,

the cop story. It's the best. Yep. We get a really weird picture of America through the eyes of a Christian musician. And by the way, the Christian musician I'm talking about is a person named Carmen, just Carmen, just Carmen. And this is his vanity project where he does a bunch of music and he's a karate expert and he's a police officer who wins against minorities, is that the idea? That seems to be the plot. Yeah, you're playing fast and loose with the term expert there. He definitely, he definitely took a karate class.

Like he definitely has seen karate movies and has taken a karate class. Like this morning when he made a movie. Yeah, yeah. Or like maybe like from the ages of like 10 to 14. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. He's he's a 10 to 14 year old black belt and something. Absolutely. And is there anything you guys like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at? This is definitely the best worst. Now that's what I call a movie compilation. Now that's what I call a movie compilation. Excellent.

I'm going to go with best worst angry journal entry turned into a musical verse. There's so many songs you could be talking about. That's fair. I could be talking about a lot of different moments, but specifically, there's one moment where so he clearly like, he got, he got to school and he got bullied by like, you know, the Eli Bosnick of his school. Some asshole atheist and just got emotionally bullied and he went home and he was like, fucking atheists are dicks.

And he's like, took that journal entry that basically just said that. And he was like, this needs to be the lyrics of some of my music. So he did. So one of the things to be So one of my Christmas songs. Exactly. This movie is what happens when you never learned how to masturbate. This guy just had like way too much time. He's like, I gotta learn karate, but not well.

I gotta learn a sing, but not too great. You just need to, while the rest of us were just distracted by our own penises. There you go. Yeah, if masturbating with glass breaking at the end was turned into a movie somehow, this is what we come out. No question. Eli, you got one best worst? I'm going to go with, we already hinted at it, but I'm going to go with best worst

martial arts. I, Devon already laid it out. He obviously took one Brazilian jiu jitsu class or perhaps, you know, two when he was 10. This guy learned an arm bar and he was like, I mean, what else could you possibly need to know? Am I right? And everyone else in that meeting room was like, uh, yeah, sure, man, because we'll get to it. But, you know, he, he, he

shows his super macho, super straight, super Christian character to just constantly put other men in his guard, which I gotta tell you, doesn't matter how effective it is, done look great, does not look great. Just very aggressively wrapping his legs around other men, the movie. Absolutely. And then like a very awkward, slow dismount from every karate position that takes about 20% of the movie is dismounting from what he was trying to do. Yeah. All right, well, we're going to take a quick break. And when we come back, we'll tell you all about the righteous invasion of truth. That is the real acronym, the Riot RIO T, righteous invasion of truth. That is the real acronym, the Riot, R-I-O-T, righteous invasion of truth.

Boys! Carmen! Carmen! So excited to have you guys be part of the movie. Hey, we're excited to be here. So here's what I'm thinking. I play a Christian cop who uses Brazilian Jiu Jitsu skills to take down a band of Whoa Jesus

What I go We can't make a movie about you taking down a band of Nope, nope, you can't stop you can't say that word. Public word. Okay. All right. All right. I get it. I get it. What if the gang members who followed me into the suburbs because they use rehabilitation programs to find new spots to commit crimes?

Huh? That's just worse somehow. And then I quit the movie. I like it it I'm in Look look look during Malame a restaurant Malame a staff is my favorite star Mrs. Trump you wanted to see me. Oh, hey Sarah, baby. Do you look? Well, no Greg, but you yeah, yeah, no, that's true. That's true. I look like Horton's abusive stepmother, yes.

Uh, anyway, uh, what did you need? Ja, he's gone on. He feels so bad about his hairs, so I make him a wig. What do you think? Um, it's dark red. Jaiis. Yeah, uh, that explains a lot. Um, mistrump, um... Call me Mario Maker 3, baby. Uh, not your name. Um, why don't you just try fourhymns.com.

To us, fourhymns.com. Fourhymns.com is a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, and sexual wellness for men. Oh, so you mean they sell the pills for the- Hymns connects you with real doctors and medical grade solutions to treat hair loss. Oh, like what Donald Framie started John's cell. He come over the other day and he said he have special helmet, but it was an Amazon... Nope, nope, nope, no, no, no, Melania.

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oh, he crack a Romani-bone, right? Yeah, still nothing, no idea. But look, we're talking no waiting room, no awkward in-person doctor visits, and you'll save hours by going to ForHims.com. Exactly, of time. Exactly. And if you want to order now, God off a movie's listener is going to trial month of ForHims for just $5 today right now while supplies last.

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And the first thing we see in this movie is, I think the Twitter icon, which was not a great start. Yeah, we found this movie on Carmen's YouTube channel. So that's the, that's the level of quality we're getting from this film, if you're wondering. Yep. And we're going to start off in a diner with two guys having a bad father contest, I guess, is the best way to describe it. And you know what, we're all winners. If I wanted to hear this conversation, I would go to literally anywhere in the state I

now live in. Okay. This is not what I want from my movies. So yeah, it's two guys in this diary and we're on a crazy close up of both of them. We're like inches from their faces for some reason. And they're just talking back and forth. And one of them's like, my wife died on August 4th. So it was a tough day for me.

The other one's like, why? What do you mean? What's wrong with August 4th. So it was a tough day for me. The other one's like, why? What do you mean? What's wrong with August 4th? And he's like, that's, I just, my wife, that's your sister, my wife died. That's your sister who died. And he's like, oh, right. Yeah, this is my sister. I did not care for her. Sorry. Sorry. I completely missed that his wife was his sister. Yeah, I complete. I was wondering the entire movie. Why these two cops are so close? Why they moved together? I assume they were gay lovers and that that was just the subtext of the entire. I'm going to throw this out there. So did everyone else in the movie. We'll get to it, but there are a lot of people that are just like, of, God, I'm just going to go live with him. Yeah.

And just, just for some context here, we're talking, we're not going to find this out very quickly. So I'll give it to you now. We're talking with Victor, the main character played by Carmen. He is one of the cops and Jimmy is his partner cop and brother-in-law. That's the other guy. Yeah, but good luck having the movie tell you that because this opening conversation over shots of someone mixing a cigar butt into fried eggs. Just goes back and forth between the

straightest of exposition. You are my brother-in-law to the dumbest conversations you've ever heard who would win in a fight. Mike Thompson, Muhammad Muhammad Ali or a bear. It's the craziest. And it's the full conversation. Like these guys had this conversation and not only thought they were the first people to have it. They were like, it goes in the movie. What kind of bear? That's a great question. That's a great question. Like some bears are small. Teddy, which bear is best? Yeah. I think Mike Tyson would win that fight, by the way. Um, yeah. I don't know. I don't want Mike Tyson to win the fight because he's just just one guy's dad. He's a terrible him. He's that's correct. He would, he would definitely

win it now. Yeah. Well, for sure. And he'd still be willing to do it. If we tell Muhammad Ali, he could punch his corpse real good. And he'd be up for it if I know Mike Tyson. Yeah. If anybody would be like, yeah, I'll punch a bunch of corpse. It would be Tyson. Right. By Tyson impression is on point. Yeah. Oh, well, you're talking about I happily punch the corpse for you. I would love to punch a corpse for you you. But then of course they get, you know, they try to tie him out hoist Gracie and the UFC. Right. Which is a real, they just may as well have like looked at the camera and winked and been like, guess what's going to come up?

Yeah. Yeah. The whole point is just to get to the fact that they have recently learned some mixed martial arts. So they start talking about hoist Gracie being the best fighter who could beat up any boxer. Yeah. It was, it was the early 90s and they were like, this you have see thing might catch on. And if we get on it first, that could be good for our move. Unfortunately for them, it took 15 more years for it to like really catch on. Yeah. And then they made it lame. But this is, again, this is the sweet era of UFC where

they were just like, some are wrestler fight an ninja. Go. We'll do an island and international waters. If you die, you die. Yeah, literally no rules at this point. UFC was insane. So yeah, they're talking about this and then they get a radio call. Again, they're both cops and they got to go respond to a domestic disturbance or something like that. And we got a little comedy shenanigans for a second because they got to grab their sandwiches and to grab them. And then Jimmy leaves his sandwich on a roof of police car and to drive away and he doesn't get a sandwich. So that was funny. That will come back. Get ready. Hold on. Hold on, hold on to your butts, guys. There's a lot of

sweet callbacks in this one. That will be one of them. But you know, that's just a classic mistake. You always go right to the pocket with the pocket sandwich, everybody knows that. You deserve it. Especially if you're a copy of so many pockets. Right. Exactly. You can have a bunch of pocket sandwiches. Now, think about it. That's pretty sweet. He becomes a cop for the pockets. I would have so many later cheese sandwiches. You would shoot so many unarmed people. I would watch. Okay. I was transitioned there. What I'm saying is you're jumpy. Okay. And a racist. No. No. Okay. So the next scene that happens that I'm not in, they're arriving on the scene of the domestic disturbance and they run into the building. Well, not really, they really slowly walk into the building and they're just talking to each other about

their sandwich still. Yeah, they are ignorant. They sort of sneak into the building to stop a domestic disturbance, but they stop to like have a little bitchy fight. Yeah, on the stairs. And it's like, I really wanted to fucking sandwich. And then we hear a girl scream and he's like, ah, all right, table the sandwich thing. Well, still we'll deal with that screaming. We are coming back to this. Yeah.

This is not over, okay? I don't care how many people I got to kill in the next scene. We're coming back to this fucking sandwich. Right. So they they show up. They knock on the door. A little girl comes to the door and they ask to look around and it's this weird suspicious moment. So they walk into the apartment and start shining lights and stuff. Yeah. It's suspicious because a seven year old prostitute. Thank you. Like door like this is like, and there and there's sort of like they, you can tell they almost leave like eight year old prostitute. Nothing too bad here.

Let's look around. We might as well. I could go back and get another sandwich. Now, you know what? We'll look around first. And I gotta say, this is not just, I mean, it's disturbing because the movies like, look, child prostitute being abused by a gang, banger boyfriend. But what's terrifying is that this movie was like, who should we get to play a child prostitute

who said actual child? Literally everybody? All right. Who has a daughter they want to dress up in bruise makeup? Again, everybody, we are crushing this casting. Right. To catch a predator at least used 20 something actors. Right. And we also know something is a miss because of all the graffiti on the walls. Yeah. Oh, man, it's not very good graffiti. No, DeGang members graffiti their own walls,

like in their fully lived in apartments. How else will they know what gang they're in, you like? And basically right out like full sentences about what they are and who they are. It's just like I'm a gang banger right now on my wall right now. I'm sitting here on my couch and I have a name tag on just in case.

And I have finished with my tag. Yeah. And they appear to be from a gang called the United Kingdom gang. I was seeing UK with a crown and like a thing. We learn it's the V Kings or the vice kings later, right? Yeah. It's this changes. There for some reason they thought they were going to get sued by the Latin kings or

the best. That's what it was. for some reason they thought they were going to get sued by the Latin Kings or the best one it was. Who's lawyer called them? Someone was like, Hey, Latin Kings is a brand, man, you can't just walk around. They're very litigious about the trademarks. Yeah. Right. So the point is they're snooping around the apartment and one of the cops sees a bad guy hiding in the next room. He sees the reflection of the guy in the toaster, right? Yep. And then he does the classic, okay, I'm just going to leave now. I don't know why I'm telling you this little girl, but I'm going to put down my gun and bend over and then leave. And then it was a classic Colombo move. That's that's vintage Colombo.

Well, I gotta go, my wife, you know, my wife, she worries about home. Let me just close the door, click. Yeah. This doesn't work on toddlers. You've just put down for a nap. Why does it work on a full grown adults? Because it doesn't believe in Jesus.

There you go. Although honestly gangs tend to be very religious. Yeah, that's fair. And he does the, I'm gone now and the gang member walks out and he's like, freeze, but apparently there was also another guy in the room, so they struggle for the gun for a while. But the second guy shows up so slowly, it's the best.

They're like wrestling over the gun. The cop and the first guy. This is Victor and the the the the first bad guy, which we're going to learn is T-Rex, right? This is T-Rex. He's T-Rex, yes. Yeah. Played by, played by former UFC fighter, chemo. That's right. Who would sentence his opponents to chemotherapy? That's true. That's what he called it. That is what he called it. Yes. And he would enter, he would enter the arena carrying a 20 foot wooden cross on his back. Oh, I thought you were going to say like a chemo bag and like a thing. I was really excited. You have for him to like wheel out covered in a blanket with a headscarf on his head head and then he takes it off and he takes steps out of the wheelchair.

And he's like, ha ha, I'm fine. You're going to get key mode. Oh, yeah. Love it. Love it. That's some great pun work by the mixed martial artists. Yeah. So he's messing with the cop Victor. And then second guy runs in like as slowly as you can possibly imagine, like walks in and like taps him on the shoulder. He's like, I would like to join this wrestling fight as well. And he's like, cool. You can do that. He's essentially cutting in. Yeah. But Victor is such a good mixed martial artist. I'm sorry, Carmen, the singer and activist and actor is such a good mixed martial artist. I'm sorry, Carmen, the singer and activist and actor is such a good

mixed martial artist that he puts chemo, the MMA expert into an arm bar and taps him out. Yes, he taps out in reality in a police fight. He taps out and then Jimmy, the partner finally runs in and he cuffs chemo because he's tapped out. That's how it works legally. Yep. You know, if you tap out in real life, yeah, they have to let you cuff him at that point. That's the law. You tap out. They have to let you cuff him and you can't, you can't resist at that point. All those real world tap outs. Right. So now the second bad guy starts running away. He goes down the fire scape end into an alley and the cops have to pursue. He literally hides behind a box. That's what the best moments in the movie.

Yep. Like he's he goes to the alley and he sees a police car coming. He's like, oh, shit, cops. I'm just going to hide in this, uh, his mannequin scene of gang members in this alley so they won't know what to do. Well, normally he would take his can of black spray paint, spray a tunnel on the wall. But he forgot his spray paint because he had to leave in a hurry. Right. The cops just stopped moving and no one could see him. Copcar just drives into it. Oh, I didn't think this out. As I should have put it not in front of me. I got to put it inside of me. Box, box, box, box, box.

So he hides from the cops for a second and then runs away. And Officer Victor is pursuing and he finally catches him in a second alley. and they go into martial arts fight number two. So he has the triangle choke locked up on the wrong side. All he's really doing here is just wrapping his thighs around this guy's head. That is 100% all he is. Which is which is which is which is what the move is. This is a sexual move now, not a martial arts move. One of them.

Yeah, no, he's got he's got to be all the way on the other side of his body. Yeah. That's time. Listen, everyone is as good as Brazilian Jitsu as I am. And what's amazing is at some point, Carmen looked at Daly's and some real person, right? Not a Christian, someone who knows how to operate a camera, right? Because this movie is relatively competently shot. It was like, hey, Carmen, take a quick look at this. So in this scene, I don't know if you're going for it, but you can see you wrap your thighs around your enemy's face and just leave them there for like 20 minutes.

For a while, yeah. Did you want that to be in your movie? Yes. Did you get the extended cut where I took my pants off? I did. You didn't email that one to cut that out, but he's not to me. Okay. Yeah, that's must must have happened in some point Yeah, and then he arm bars. Oh wait, sorry before he arm bars him again. We see Jimmy Jimmy goes up to the other cops the backup And he's like he's right behind us. He just radioed in. Yeah, this also like there are always other cops like in the next room every time that has gotten trouble. Like there is no downtime

between boy, we're shits really hitting the fan and all of the other cops showing us which is amazing logistics. Just explode your ceilings attached to Annville's and parachutes. Yeah, it's the best. They're out of the, they don't do anything. They are really just there to watch. Yeah, Karmin's character. Yeah, basically at this moment, Jimmy shows up and just watches Karmin wrestle around with this guy for a while. Just as they name moves, this is just like, Perry block, spin move, side guard, full guard. And then finally, we can't do triangle joke. And then they do the 20 minute dismount of the submission

hold again. And then they both pull a gun at the same time because now he's let this guy go. I guess he didn't tap out at this point. So he's allowed to pull his gun and he pulls his gun and Victor pulls his gun and they have a little standoff and we don't know what's going to happen because we cut away immediately and correct me if I'm wrong. We cut to as I was confusing a factory that produces steam as their product. Yeah, I thought flashes of light. produces steam as their product. Yeah, I thought flashes of light. I thought something had gone wrong. And like YouTube just sort of played something else. Like I literally like paused it,

exited out a full screen and was like, huh? No, no. Because I watch a lot of shitty 80s and early 90s music videos. Got it. Because I think they're funny. So like this is absolutely something that would randomly show up on my YouTube. Anyways, and I found out it was the movie and then I had a stroke. Yeah, this is the suggested video before YouTube exists it. But yeah, we have cut, just for clarity, we have cut directly from a Mexican standoff

to music hip hop video, Christian music hip hop video. Yeah, yep. I'm pretty sure this factory exists in like a prequel to foot loose universe. This is why, this is why dance was made illegal in a town of footless. These people all get into a car right after this music video and die. Yeah, so it's a musical. It's official. This is our first musical number.

And the very first line, it's a rap, by the way, this is, well, would you call it wrap? It's wrap and no, you can't call it wrap. It's like the very, very worst possible version of bringing the noise, bringing the funk, right? It is to wrap as blackface is to actually being politics. Yeah, the politics. It's from a distance if you're an idiot, it's rap. It's from that period in the 90s where white people hadn't given up yet

and we're like, so you're saying to me that rap is talking like this, all I have to do is just talk like this. And then finally, someone took us all aside and was like, I need you to stop that. And we were like, can we keep Marshall Mathers? And they were like, yes, you can keep Marshall Mathers. Can I keep the part where the very first line of my rap is Webster's dictionary defines

right as an uproar? Yes, you can keep that. That's, I'm not making that up. That's literally the first line of this musical number, this rap. Shitty, shitty wedding toast, the hip-hop song. Also, pretty sure this musical number was sponsored by Ashkash Bagash, which was interesting. Yeah, we got music videos. Everyone is wearing a different color of overalls.

Also, the dance choreography here is Tai Bo meets hip hop, which I thought was a pretty bold choice. The dance choreography was, we've hired a bunch of professional dancers. Absolutely. But, Carmen can't dance. No, we can't. Also, so we have to do what Carmen can do, but just enthusiastically. Absolutely. We have to do it as hard as we can.

This will Carmen do in like one little leg motion and then we cut to smooth criminal for a second and then it's back to Carmen doing little leg motion and then we cut to smooth criminal for a second. And then it's back to Carmen doing one arm motion and then this amazing dance group behind them. Yeah, it's pretty rough. They'll keep doing that. By the way, this factory that we're in, is it in a submarine? Because it's nothing but spinny door valves.

That's again, that's what they seem to be producing steam using spinny valves and that's it. Also, they're chained there. So it's a slave factory. It is. Well, and they're also in the future because they have like weird superchains that they like steal the magnet key to. Yup.

There's a lot. It's basically, it's is, they're trapped in the Johnny Numeric universe as white slaves. Yep. In fact, they are obviously aware that it wasn't okay to make one of their black dancers wear chains because everyone has chained at the beginning, but if you look at the first shot of all of them, the black guy is acting as though he's chained, but not wearing chains. He's just sort of holding his wrist together and being like, no, because obviously, the actor made that joke. No one else, nobody else has the racial sensitivity or foresight to be like, hey, you know what we shouldn't do?

That was absolutely a compromise. He was like, I'm not doing the fucking chains and they're like, come on, fine. Just you have to unbuckle one of your shoulder straps of your of your Ash gosh overalls, all the black people. In fact, we're woke. You guys normally do that, right? We need to have you all do that. Classic. That's actually how they have the costumes in this. I'm pretty sure all the black people, one shoulder strap down. It was rough. Yeah, it was really rough. Okay, so what's the plot of this video, this riot, this, I mean, this is supposed, this is introducing the word riot in some vague way, but it won't apply the movie. Yeah, the only time that we ever heard about it. Right. Yep. Right here at the beginning,

nailed it. Name of the movie snakes on a plane. Everybody wins. Right. But what are these factory workers doing? Yeah. Why are they riding? Yeah. The Johnny mnemonic slaves, they try to stop them from dancing with chains and steam, but they can't. They steal the magnet key and they get free. And then the boss characters come out and are as confused by this movie as we were at this point, like they very clearly are mouthing like, what the fuck is this movie about to each other? It's like they came, it's like they came out of their office in the factory and then just like saw a bunch of people had broken in and changed themselves up to the factory environment. They're like, what the fuck are these people doing here? Guys, where are they dancing? Like, let's beat this shit out of the club just because we have that for some reason.

And you said it was a stupid idea to have a full time paramilitary security force. Well, now there are people dancing in our steam factory. We're gonna talk about this and we're gonna talk about my sandwich. Yeah. Right. So this paramilitary force and some cops show up to put down this factory

riot. I guess is what's happening. And we see a bunch of dancers being side tackled. And that's pretty much how it closes. Although at the very end of this, we get a quick shot of, I'm pretty sure the stage crew running behind the scene and that it ends. Yeah, for sure. Also, fun, the security forces of this factory only tackle the women. Yeah. So they're like, three women and they like beat the shit out of the three women. But then they see everybody else dancing, Carmen up front doing the macarena because it's the only dance he knows. And they're like intimidated and terrified. And then the cops come and rescue the riders, which is not traditionally how that works. Yeah. Traditionally when the cops show up at your riot, it just got worse for the riders. Right. But in this case, they're on the rioters side.

Yeah, they they they bust in and the rioters, I guess, were like, no, we are the good guys. And then they're like, Oh, shit, okay. And then we watch them arresting the bosses. And they lead them out in cuffs. Yeah, that's the end of that. This is Carmen's music video response to fuck the police. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, now that we know what's happening in music video universe, we're back with the cops from the beginning and Victor and the bad guy were at that standoff and they just shot each other. That's what we find out. And I just wrote in my notes here, maybe they both killed themselves because they saw that music video. I thought that the music video was this guy's life flashing before his eyes. It wasn't, but I like I think that yes.

God, that's been so much time inside that steam factory. But yeah, he meant his brother have a really tender, really touchy R.A.O.K. moment. Oh, right. Yeah. So Victor just got shot, but he got saved by the Kevlar vest. have a really tender, really touchy, are you okay moment? Oh, right. Yeah. So Victor just got shot, but he got saved by the Kevlar vest, but he's down. And Jimmy is brother-in-law and cop partner is like, are you okay? You okay? And he's like, no, I'm fine. Maybe help out the guy I shot. He's right there. And Jimmy's like, no, I will not. It's the bad. It's so bad. I wanted Kimo to be fine and still armed and just roll over and just fucking waste Jimmy

Jimmy. No, you, you, you have to check on me because I'm, I shot a cop. You have to make sure that come on. It's just coming. Just come and sense here. You make sure that I'm out. He literally is like, did I just murder him and he's like, don't worry about it. He's not white. But that's might as well be what Jimmy says. He's got a cop.

You'll get away with it. This is Chicago. Nobody gives a shit. You're the main character. Don't worry. So now the ambulance is here and all the cops that are in the very next room are here. that are in the very next room or here. And I wanted to murder this EMT so bad. EMT's hands are covered in blood. The blood of a drug dealing like heroin addict. And he just keeps touching his neck constantly. Without something. And he's like, yeah, you shot him right here in the neck, his neck right here.

See where my glove is touching my neck and the fingerprints of the blood? That's where it was. Let me put these figures in my mouth. That's blood. That came from his neck. Would you shot him? Oh my gosh. Is that seven layer bean dip? Excuse me, I'm going to go mass to being a bloody glove. I'm going to rub my face along the bean dip and slide it along your face if that's okay. That is okay. I was hoping you would do exactly that. Excellent. Excellent. We're making a lot of contact with each other. That's, that's pretty much all that happens in the scene. We learned that we do learn that T Rex is a fucking minor, even though he's 45 years old. He's a

minor. Okay. So they had an eight year old prostitute and a 55 year old minor drug dealer. Maybe that's why they were, maybe this is the Benjamin button universe. And that's why when they saw the child prostitute, they were like, oh, that's not a big deal. Oh, lady, she's like, she's like 90. Yeah, he's supposed to be a minor. He's supposed to be one of those thug prodigies. And that's actually going to be a theme here, moving forward. And now we cut to a lieutenant's office

with Victor and Jimmy explaining the shooting to their boss. So Victor wants to transfer and his boss is you just shot a man in the neck and got shot himself. That seems like a valid reason. And his boss is first reaction. It's like, this about the shooting someone and getting shot thing. I've killed six people, six. Look, you're gonna get, you get used to it. This is Chicago. I've killed six people. He actually brags about that. He's like, I've pulled my gun six times and killed six people. I'm batting a fucking thousand. I don't know about you guys, but every time I pull a gun, I shoot somebody. That's good cop work. I wanted him to like accidentally take his gun like falls out of his pocket and he's

like, I gotta kill you guys. I don't want to lose my streak. Rock paper scissors. This is on the line. I'm going seven for seven. But yeah, he's basically like, no, don't retire. Don't go to another city. You'll get over it.

And besides, gangs are going to follow you wherever you go. Yep. And Victor, at this point, he's just, he's rattled. So he wants to move to broken arrow Oklahoma from Chicago. We're in Chicago. He wants to move to rural Oklahoma where he has fun memories of going as a child, I guess. Oh, yeah. Go for it. But again, this is where we get the weird moment where he's like anyone going with you. And he's like, oh, yeah, I'm bringing my partner.

And again, I did not realize that they were brothers in law at this point. So I was just like, is that how it works? Do you bring your partner? I at this, like at this point, I was like, oh, this movie is actually rather progressive. They have gay pop partners who have two kids together and they're gonna move to Oklahoma and start life on a rail. Like it's basically like, if what if broke back mountain, they were just cops?

I was like, I'm excited. I'm excited about this movie now. That's a good movie. Ah, it's disappointing. It's very disappointing. I'm writing it out there. All right, put it together. Put it together. It's very disappointing. I'm writing it. I'm writing it. But it's again. The weapon meets broke back. And again, as sort of a last ditch effort towards the end of the scene, the captain's like, look, you remember when your wife died?

That was rough. I was there. I am not sure why, but it was a bummer. She was one of the six people I killed. I can't. Anyway, it was hard for me to, when your wife was having your child, I shot her in the head, the second the child was born. Got to get an after-draug and that kid was done. But can you want it to leave Chicago? But I told you, if you did, I'd kill your kids. That's what happened. But yeah, he goes like, yeah, I was there when your wife died. That was sad. You're gonna do what you're gonna do. Let me know if you needed it. Like he becomes instantly

dismissive and accepting of the fact that his like top detective is leaving. He's like, look, some of the day I met you, it's fine. Yeah, we'll throw you a little party. We're gonna cake. It'll be fun. Chuck your cheese. T.J. Friday's, huh? Whatever you want. Whatever you want. By the way, do you remember watching a life in your wife's eyes get extinguished now as well? Okay, we're done. Cool. Okay. Bye. Yeah. And that's the end of that. Now we're back in music video land. I gotta say, I was so excited. There was another music video because I was really afraid that was just going to be a random one off thing I've ever showed up and get in this movie because if it's ever

going to happen, it would be in this movie. See, what we should have done is we should have not admitted to you, Devon, that we also saw the music videos in this movie and just been like Devon, what are you talking about? I would have refitished recording this and then thrown myself off the roof. There's a perfectly reasonable cowboy scene right now, but it wasn't musical, you're weird. Yeah. Yeah. But that's what's happening now.

We're about to get a country music number from Carmen, the performing artist, which I can only assume exists because Carmen sat down with someone who was like, I really want to show off that I can, how do I put this? Literally destroy all possible forms of music in this movie. Every conceivable genre. We need to listen. I own a guitar. So we need to have a scene where I'm holding one, but almost never played it.

Ha ha ha. I haven't one, but almost never played it. I haven't quite figured out how to play. That's fine. That's perfect. Also, I have a very small turtleneck and a very large red jacket. I'd like to show those off. No, that's great. That's great. We all we're going to put all that in there. So I mean, I described it as a country music thing, but did they also have some white guy reggae built in for some reason? They did they break that down. We're gonna get the full white guy reggae later, but yeah, there is a There is a reggae breakdown in the middle of this country music song. Well, that's a common trope in country western music Is to go a little bit south of the border Jamaica

Way far south. It was about it was about three quarters of the way through this song that I realized that I have understood and heard zero of the lyrics of these songs. Oh, yeah, it's all just Christian noise. I started writing down the lyrics for the first watch through this. I was like, Oh, record the lyrics. We'll talk about it. And by the time I got to this, I was like, nope, delete, delete. And then they sing. And by the time I got to this, I was like, nope, delete, delete. And then they sing. Yep. And we're watching silhouettes of cowboys doing square dance moves in the background.

Oh, Carmen's in the front. And there's just one little moment that I loved. They're doing, I guess, two advanced of a square dance move between a guy and a girl. And the guy clearly gets hurt. He tries to do like a, like a summer salt at the end of one of his dance moves and he clearly like you can see him being like, Oh, I twisted my ankle cut. Cut. I'm hurt.

I'm hurt. But they keep it and they don't care. It's the best. My favorite part is they're doing they like two pairs, you know, doing their dancing. And then they like, they like, the guys spin off and spend into each other and they have a really great like, you gay, but they're still with us. And everyone's wearing a cowboy hat. So like, there's no way we as the audience were like, really supposed to catch that that was a joke. Yeah. Which is convenient because

it's not a good joke. Yeah. And then they replay the injury. They don't just keep the injury. They replay the shot of the injury. They use the same footage 100% or some other guy had the exact same injury happened. They were like, all right, Steve, you try it because fucking Dave broke his ankle. That was ridiculous. Oh my God. And then Steve was like, I did the same thing as hurts a lot. And they kept that too.

Yeah. It was the whale home scream of this. Yep. And they just slowly taper out of this musical number. They don't really end it. It's just kind of winding down and then done. Yeah. He obviously doesn't know how to, because he did this with the. Yeah, he obviously doesn't know how to,

because he did this with the other one too. He doesn't know how to end songs, so they just sort of like play a little bit of the background music and all the dancers sort of nod at each other. Like you didn't give us anything else to do here. And then it cuts back to the main plot again. Yep. So now it's six years later. And we're in broken arrow Oklahoma.

Very exciting question. Can you just be a cop in a different place? Is that how cops work? Almost certainly. I think it's like TGI Fridays. You just apply for transfer and they set you up. Yeah, I see. It's like a substitute teacher.

You just come in and you're like, I'm a geometry teacher today, everybody. Yeah. Homicide detective. Yeah. And this is my partner and brother-in-law. You have to put us together. Yeah. So they're at Oklahoma and they're partner cops.

This whole little scene is just to like introduce how silly Oklahoma is because they're dealing with an old lady who insists that mole men are in her backyard. I bet that never comes back. Oh, yep. And the other great little Oklahoma bit is they have to leave the lady with the mole men quickly because they get a radio call that something's gone wrong at the local bar and they show up and

somebody named Bubba is in there just breaking everything because he's drunk. Yeah. Bubba. And then the doors open and Bubba is a bull. That is what I thought is a person who drank too much. No. Comedy goal. He's a cow.

Can you imagine the fat tequila, a bull? What? I want to see how that scene got started bar? That ain't no cow, man. That's a ball. That's right. Right, sorry, obviously. And you brought him into the bar because... What, what?

Bull can't have a drink now. This is America. You got something against bulls and cows? No, no, sorry. I guess go ahead, that's fine. No, no, you know what? You know what? Hey, Boa, this guy here.

We're not gonna share a bar with big hits who don't want me in the same room with you. Good day, sirs. Oh. So he's fucking that cow, right? Yeah, probably. Do you think it's any good? It is.

Okay. Do you think it's any good? It is. Huh. Great. I like the kids. His kids look like they were designed to be trafficked. You know what? If I saw those kids walking down the street, I guess I got a kidnap these kids and sell them to somebody. I got to buy that one. I got to buy that one.

I got to traffic these children to a Saudi prince. You guys want to give a hand job to Robert Crafter? I feel it makes money might get to meet Bill Bellicic, huh? Yeah, he's love Bill Bellicic, right? Come on. One kid doesn't want to meet Bill Bellicic. He seems like he'd be fun with kids. If you would let Bill Belichick maybe sit your children.

Please call this number. Sadly, it wasn't Belichick, it was craft, but yeah, I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be surprised. Hidden camera wise, Belichick, he knows what he's doing. Yeah, he would figure it out though. He'd figure out a way to get away with it and then have to change the child's sexual assault laws. They'd be like, no, it's crazy. He actually figured it out though, he'd figure out a way to get away with it and then they have to change the child sexual assault laws.

They'd be like, no, it's crazy. He actually figured it out that if you fire a kid out of a cannon and you're thrusting at the same time, it's technically, but from now on, he can't do that. Yeah, the camera's on the police station and he saw us doing our signs for when we would show up for the sting and he saw the whole thing coming. We have to make a new rule about this or something. You can't you can't just film the police station secretly. Yeah. Point is he gets to keep your son.

So I don't make the rules. Yes, you do. Yep. Okay. Now you're right. I do. But you know, from now on from now on. Yeah. So yeah, all right. Well, now it's firmly established that we're in Oklahoma because of all that comedy shenanigans. So now we cut over to Victor Jr. Victor's son at his school where he has a porn star teacher. It's so my first thought was holy shit. This is a porn star. This movie just got fucking amazing. And then I realized both of you also had notes on, is this what it porn? Yeah. It's a model. I don't think she's done porn that I know of. I did some extensive research and couldn't find anything. But

I just if you if you couldn't find it, it's not, it's not out. Plug her face into deep mind. We'll find it. Come on. Yeah. But I'm pretty sure this was just like a porn set and they were like, did you just stay in costume? You're the teacher for this scene in this Christian movie also. And she's like, what? Extra 50 bucks, extra 25 minutes.

No one will come on you. She was like, I'm sorry, you had me an extra 50 bucks. Yep. And so Victor Jr. is in school and he asked the teacher if he could go to the bathroom and he walks into the bathroom where a giant gang of crack dealers is having a party slash crack transaction. 45 year old crack dealers who are at this middle school and they act, they act shocked that a child came into the bathroom at this elementary school. Like how do you find your secret hideout? And some other kid is buying like $2,000 worth of crack to smoke right now and they're doing that. He buys, he buys Bush senior press appearance levels of cocaine. He

hands him a pillowcase of cocaine for $3. He got like a five in there. You guys have changed for my giant bill case crack. All right, here you go. Bring change. I just giant novel teacher. We need five and ones. Always just always bring five and one. Yeah. So they're doing their transaction and this is when porn star teacher gets suspicious.

She's like, oh, he's taken a while. Maybe there's a giant gang of crack dealers that have never seen before having a transaction in the bathroom and beating him up. And that's exactly what's happening. And she runs in and scares the crap out of a giant crack gang. They're like, oh my God, I'm like, lady, and they run away. Also, why does she check on him? I really wanted to see establishing scenes where this teacher is just like,

Jimmy, you've been in there for three minutes. Okay, it's weird that you always do this. Go teach your class, please. Thank you. Not doing crack. Okay. We already said that. Like, at least have the voice of God whisper in her ear. Check the bathroom.

Oh, see. Go in to the bathroom and check. Look at the little boys. We are. Oh, you do it. Are you writing this all down? Because this is a beautiful movie you're putting again. Christian movie.

Millions of dollars. Right. So what, what are we making our own Christian movie? I think that's an excellent question. Soon as. As a source material. When this is over. Absolutely.

So the crack gang runs away from the very small white lady. And now we cut to the school office and dad's shown up now with Jamie the partner to investigate the giant crack operation that's apparently happening at this elementary school in rural Oklahoma. Oh my God, the teacher comes over, she's like, hi, I'm his homeroom teacher. And he's super casually is just like, so why did my kid get into a fight with 434 year olds? You got any clues for me? Oh, yeah, the entire Latin Kings chapter of Broken Arrow Oklahoma, they're setting up

shop here. Is their spot. I don't know, that's it. They rented the bathroom on Thursdays from two to four months. We say she literally says I'm afraid it was thugs, sir. Fugs. Like it's a diagnosis. I'm afraid it was thugs, sir. Fugs. Like it's a diagnosis. I'm afraid your son has thugs.

No. Turns and he's got a tear drawn on his face. Oh, it's spreading. Then we get the cops asking about the specifics of the thugs, specifically like. Wait, were there hats tilted? Yeah, exactly. Which way they they had baseball caps. Okay, but which way were they tilted left or right? That was somehow important. Oh, it's amazing. And what this is supposed to be is because Jimmy takes him a side afterwards and

he's like, look, this is obviously the V Kings or the what are the King murder. The vice kings. Yeah. The vice kings. I think it's the five ice kings. And Vince's responses, let's not jump to conclusions. This is rap music's fault. Yep. Yep. 100%. That's actually how they explain it. It's mostly rap music and, you know, mortal combat. There's a lot of violence in that too. Let me ask you something. One more thing about their appearance. Was anyone dressed like a Japanese thunder god with those anybody shooting lightning bolts?

Like Raiden? No? Okay. Just did anyone launch themselves across the room fists first? Like, what are you doing? Yeah. yeah, there was a little bit of that. Oh, there we go. Grime solved it. All right, that down.

Right. But what his partner is propositioning and what this movie will be about is that gangs from the inner city of Chicago have moved to broken arrow, Oklahoma so that they can sell drugs. Yeah, you know, you're a gang. You need to sell drugs. Where should we go? A city full of people who want drugs? No, no, no, the bathroom of a public school. Which is one of 35-year-old men who are the only ethnic minorities in town hanging out in a middle school bathroom selling crack. Hang it out in a middle school bathroom selling crack.

No one will notice huge amounts of crack. Yeah, pillowcases of crack hiding in plain sight. It's genius. Everybody poops. So it makes sense that they're in the bathroom. And then it's time for a little one on one with his son. His son is scared. I tried to get them off me, but you never tell me how to defend myself,

dad, martial artist. Ha ha ha ha. And he explains to him that fear and faith are similar. And I just wrote in my notes, you said it, not me. Yeah. Yeah. You can see Carmen get confused. He's like, fear and faith are both extremely dumb assumptions about the future.

Is that the lot? Does that it's not ruined it? You wrote it, man. I don't know. You want to talk. You want to change the line. You wrote the screenplay. Carmen wrote the screenplay, by the way.

He sure did. Faith is good. Fear is also good. Someone had just taught him about yin and yang. He was like, oh, yeah, like that. Okay, so okay, they're the same, but they're different. I get, oh, yeah, I'll work in them. And then this scene ends with probably one of my favorite things we've ever seen in any of our movies, a bro prayer. They, they clasp fists like the end of Rocky III and pray in that position.

How do you guys pray? Not with my bros starting now like this, but beforehand I was doing it wrong. We do a lot of it right now. We're praying. We're just going to we're going to arm wrestle pray together. We do a lot of seven layer dip face rubbing. It's just fun. So yeah, they pray together. And the sun's kind of still a little skeptical.

He's like, great, okay, we can pray. I mean, your speech was kind of dumb, though. Do you want to like catch the crack dealer? So beat me up. I feel like, you know, your job we're wasting all the time with the prayer. We're doing a bro prayer. Okay. Okay. That's sorry. Yep. So we cut from the hair to an old timey horror movie that I thought this, I thought they dropped this in by accident. Like Devon was talking about before. I was like, oh, is the the files broken? We're in a black white horror movie all of a sudden. But yeah, this turns out to be music video universe again. But we don't find out for a while because they don't break into music. We're just watching this. No, they don't sing for like a solid 10 minutes and fun fact this song has the worst possible lesson you could teach a child about scary things.

Yeah, correct me if I'm wrong here. The message that he sends is when when something scary is happening including one of his examples, an escaped murderer. You stand up, you throw your chest out and you yell, I'm a temple of the Holy Ghost. Yeah. This is, this is, this is, all of these ideas are from a pamphlet put out by Catholic priests. What to do, what to do if a pedophile approaches the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the I learned that alligators are atheists. Yeah. Yeah. That's exciting. Yeah. Well, that's the best. Carmen obviously ran out of monsters, right?

He had the escaped serial killer. There's a Frankenstein monster. There's a mummy and then there's an alligator, which means they were all sitting around a big round table and Carmen was like monsters, monsters, a mummy's Frankenstein alligators, obviously. And also escape murderers. And they were like, I'm sorry, what was that last one? Oh, escape murderers. Alligator atheists. Sorry, I was slow with my idea. Just an alligator atheist. Okay. Alligators are atheists, too. Perfect. They don't believe in God. Right. They know better. When you're

that high on the food chain, you go, hey, no, there's something better than me. All alligators are born atheist. That's a fact. Yeah. But that's the theme here is like no matter what's attacking you, it could be a better file. It could be a monster. It could be an alligator atheist. Just use your faith. we get, we get Carmen like seeing these monsters all attacking them at once at the end of this thing. And he's licking his finger, trying to get to the right Bible verse to like defend yourself. And it was the fact, I wanted to see that keep going for a while. The alligator atheist is like, dude, you're in the wrong spot. You want to go, go ahead to like, I don't know. It's Leviticus.

Leviticus has a lot of good stuff. That's where you want to check. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Yeah, if there's a Bible verse that saves you from all evil memorizing. Just just take an afternoon and like really commit it to memory.

Really put some time in. So that so that when you're about to be murdered, you don't have to you don't have to, you don't have to go to the reference material. Dude, and that's an easy one. Like, dude, I'm a gay alligator. You know this one. You didn't remember the biggest one about the, I'm a gay, the most alligator.

This is easy. What if I lie down? Right. He's wearing a bright purple suit this entire time. Yes, he is, which is, which is really a, which is a hate crime. 100% that thing is brutal. Yeah. So that slowly comes to a close too.

He really just winds these down without endings almost every time. And now we're back to the real universe with Officer Vic and Officer Jimmy getting donuts together. Yeah, like his kid was just assaulted by a bunch of drug dealers in a town where the only other crimes are the bull got drunk and the insane woman thinks that there's mole men in her backyard. Like his boss wasn't like, you know what, take the rest of the day off.

You know, be with your child who is just a victim of a crime. You know what, I really love it if you guys would focus on the drug dealers thing, now we got to go check out this mole man report. Sorry, we'll be back. And so they show about the scene to deal with the mole man again. And it's actually, you know, the lady was, right, there's some real stuff happening in her backyard. but it's actually gang members. Yes, because this whole movie is aimed around the crazy lady who thinks mole men are in her backyard is right. It's just minorities in drug dealing tunnels, drug dealing tunnels. Drug dealing tunnels, but they meet, they have secret underground tunnels, but they do

most of their business in the bathroom of a middle school. Well, you know, like they have an underground wire. They have it. That's like a bond villain is like, where should we hide the nuclear weapon? We can hide it on our islands shaped like a skull or like in maces. Mr Bond, please follow me. I rented one of these go-to meeting spaces. Let me just enter my pit. Oh, please follow me. I rented one of these go to meeting spaces. Let me just

enter my pit. Oh, God, Janet, we don't have the room for another five minutes in electronic. Do you want to just wait? Should we? I don't want to extend the reservation backwards because that's like an extra half hour. Maybe, maybe we just hover at Starbucks and try to just take over a whole area. They have. Yeah, let's, let's aim for that and then we'll come back. Okay. So all that's established here is that there is now like a full on gang invasion from Chicago, apparently like through the sewers of the United States from Chicago into

Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, and the vice kings are here to set up their operation. And then we come back to the police station and Victor's calling his old lieutenant back in Chicago to tell him what's going on and kind of ask about the gang situation. And the exposition here is so painful and immediate. He's like, Victor, it's been six years. You and your cop partner left me because you were afraid of gangs. How did that turn out? Is this call related? It is fantastic.

Remember what I told you that the gangs would follow you no matter where you went. Six years ago, I remember saying that. I remember every sentence I've ever said, it's actually a mental illness. I can't stop remembering. Help me. Yeah. And he tells a, Victor tells his boss that his son walked in on a crack party. Like the way he said it was weird too, it was like, you know, surprise crack.

Like my son walked in on that in the bathroom of his elementary school. They didn't even give him a turn to hit in on that. Yeah. In the bathroom of his elementary school. They didn't even give him a turn to hit the crack. Pinyata, those bastards. Oh, that'd be so hot. A crack Pinyata is just whoever you're dating at the time. Devon, you're putting together some million dollar ideas. Just I'm loving it. Just write all these down.

Crack Pinyata would sell. I mean, I'm taking it out to a shark tank. Really, really just, I mean, it could be any housing for the crack, but Pinyada's like one of the best ones I've heard before. Yeah, that's strong. So he's telling Chicago boss about this, this gang problem. And the Chicago boss is like, oh, this known as makes perfect sense. Um, we, you know what we did? This is actually on us. We, we sent some gang members to Oklahoma one. Yes. So again, the, the, the plot of this movie is that recovery programs for like dangerous youth and juvenile offenders are actually just secret ways for gang members to

find new places to deal drugs. And the cops in the town don't know. Like that's a blows my eyes that there's like a home for like kids who got arrested and he just straightened themselves out. And the cops have no idea that this exists. unaware that this happens at all. Like there couldn't be a better thing for them to make a villain in their movie. You know, they're smuggling the, the drugs in the free diapers we give to single mothers. That's what those programs are really for. And this is actually where we fully set up our villain here, T-Rex.

The Chicago lieutenants like, dude, yeah, so there's, there's a bunch of gang members down there, but especially this one guy, um, Mexico, McMexkin. All right, dude, yeah, so there's a bunch of gang members down there, but especially this one guy, Mexico, McMexican, or I forget his name, but he's a Mexican. And he's a murderer. And we know that. And we had him in custody. We were going to put him in jail for murder, which now that I think about it would have made sense more than what we did, but we sent him down there. So now he's.

Remember you shot him in the neck. Do you remember shooting him in the neck? It was six years ago. And then afterwards I talked about your wife dying. You seemed uncomfortable. Yep. So that's how we know T-Rex and his gang are down there and they're probably gonna do a murder spray, like right away.

Yeah, his old lieutenant is like, oh yeah, no, they're definitely gonna kill your kid. Yeah. What do I lieutenant is like, oh yeah, no, they're definitely going to kill your kid. Yeah. What do I think the first thing they're going to do is, I mean, the first thing they're going to do is murder your child. Yep. Where's your child right now?

Oh, he's in an abandoned school building. Well, we should probably cut over there to see what's going on. Now, Quintet, your department, do you have a smash cut? A smash cut. Yep. Now, Quintet, your department, do you have a smash cut? A smash cut. Yep. So we smash cut right over to the school. There's a dead janitor on the ground, so the murder spree has begun.

Yeah, I think we have to remind ourselves. We have to keep a keeping track on our head of the crimes that these people have committed. So murder, they've murdered this janitor. They were dealing drugs in the school zone, assaulted a kid. So far, those are the crimes committed by these. We will revisit these momentarily. We will revisit that later. Yep. Check, check, check. So the gang's just standing in the hallway of this empty house school in the middle of the night, wondering why any of their actions are happening.

Yeah. And there's this amazing moment. So for some reason, the kid is going to school at night and he like exits the classroom. He's like, oh, no, a bunch of adults. And they, they all surround him and they're like, we're going to teach you a lesson. But I don't know, Carmen was hitting on an AD or crying in the bathroom for jerk and off or something. So we doesn't enter quickly and you see these four grown adults be like, we're going to get you.

Here we are. We have you now. We have promised violence. Start out with an Indian burn, I guess. Start small with some pinches. We're going to tickle you to the point where you don't like it anymore. Watch out. Eventually, I put this knife and get through, but we're going to take babies and we're going to start with tickling and we're going to move up. Do moida. Hopefully you'll also buy some crack from us. I feel like that's, it's not a good sales strategy we're going with here, but will you will buy crack later?

Great. Okay. And when they stole, when they stole this kid's jacket, he had in his pocket a schedule with everywhere he was going to be. We've had the time because these gang members were, they didn't have to look far. They were like, oh, but I guess we'll just go to the school at night. Kids are at school at night, right? That's where kids live. Schools. We saw him at school once. He's probably always there. My doctors is a lock object permanence. Where'd you go?

Up. It was just blinking. Sorry. And of course the cops are in the next room or the next, you know, school yard over. So they show up right now. Well, just, just Vic and Jimmy first, and they're here to save Vic Jr. And this is where Vic Jr. gets held at knife point. And this actor has the night. He is holding it to the kids neck like a gun. You know the scene where a guy, the guy bad guy has a gun pointed at the good guy's kid. That's what this guy chose to pantomime with a knife for this scene. He was like, I'll do it.

I will. I'm not convinced that it's not an Emily board. I will, I will stab your child in the ear. I will get rid of this wart if I have to. And he's pointing a gun at him. Like you can shoot someone before they can stab. Mexican standoffs don't work if only one of you has a gun. Right.

So Victor pulls his gun. He's a police officer. Again, doesn't really understand how standoffs work, especially gun versus knife. This guy's literally brought a knife to a gun fight. He has the gun. He's not aware of the advantage in that situation. This would make if if his son was also a six foot four 250. And he was like covering most of this person body. Please, Danny.

If he was played by Shaq, he's not, he's not crouched. Like, like anywhere you would shoot this guy is completely visible. It would be difficult not to shoot this guy. You're in a hallway. But that wouldn't allow Carmen to show off more of his sweet karate moves. So boy, he's good at karate. So he somehow gets talked into putting down his gun. He slides his gun like under the lockers. And now it's time for him to fight the entire gang with his hand-to-hand combat skills.

And there's an incredible, so he karate's all the bad guys, but there is one absolutely amazing moment in the fight choreography. This African-American stunt person is not in any other fight in the movie, but he runs at Carmen too fast for the fight choreography and has to slow down for his little league dad karate skills. He's like, I'm going to get you. Oh, wow, you are moving your arms so slow. I mean, yeah, here I come. It's the watch this movie just to watch this actor realize halfway through a punch that he's about to strike Carmen the goddamn face. And he has to slow down like he's about to strike Carmen the goddamn face. And he has to slow down like he's chasing a toddler down a hallway.

And he's like, here I come, Carmen. And every karate move in this whole sequence clearly ended with like, ow, ow, I called no doing that. I called no, no, no kicks. We said no shin kicks, no shin. The ad that hurts so much. This is if all little league dads got together to make an action movie, the movie. Okay. What if a attacker comes from the north and now the east. And yes, so that, that, it's, it's

all just a bunch of horrible, horrible, one day of karate classes stuff as usual. And of course, Vic wins in the end and. How does his kid not get stabbed in the throat? Like, I don't remember how he does a sweet karate move to the kid does the classic toe stump, which makes you drop your knife. He runs away. That's right. So the kid does know karate. He was just being an asshole in the bathroom early. Yep.

I don't want to use my karate skills yet. Boo. Karate is boring. Yeah. So everyone's OK. And the adjacent police, of course, show up. And now we're outside of the school describing what might happen over the next 55 minutes of movie

that we still have to deal with. And this is just another moment to give us one of those, you know, God Bible messagey things. This particular one is, if God calls you to do something, he also equips you with the tools you need. That's the lesson. Yeah. And even the actors in this movie seem confused by that lesson. He says that, and the porn actress is just like, what? And he's like, let's go to the CGI airplane. I got a CGI airplane

song coming up. Listen, I, I blew the whole budget of the CGI. Do you like Nintendo 64? Do you like airplanes? You will love the next music video. Yep. So we cut to a terrible, terrible CGI airplane, the seats of this airplane are church pews and a Benetan commercial full of people is entering this airplane. Can we talk about who the passengers on this plane are. Yes, a base from the 60s, a nun, Mr. T as a priest, like a goth Satan impersonator. Yes. A man on a jungle safari. End of list. And then the pilot and the flight attempt. Yes. It went to beam of light and a beam of light is driving the plane. Exactly. Sorry, a co-pilot and a beam of light pilot.

Because these are the jobs that Carmen could think of. They were like, Carmen, who's on the plane? Oh, you know, the usual nuns, priests, Satanists, suffrageants, Native American, you're doing the village people. Ah, since. Like that. No, I'm not. Jungle safari. Ah, that's like that. No, I'm not jungle safari.

That wasn't a Village person. No matter how hard I audition, that was not a Village person. Because there's no Villages in the jungle. I should have known. And this is of course another musical number. And how would you guys describe this one? It's got rap, but also it's got some abba, which was an interesting combo.

It's a rap about how Satanists don't want to accept salvation until the turbulence gets bad enough. Yep. I guess, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, I see that. I was wondering why Satan came around towards me. Yeah, Satan does pick a salvation card at the end of the movie.

At the end of the music. He's he's he is in row 666. Yes, even though I can very clearly see that there are only seven. Right. Yeah, there's one like evil looking pale, gothy, supposed to be like atheist, Satanist guy on the plane. And I guess the lesson is about throwing heathens out of your airplane to heaven. That's what's unclear, right? Un-clear.

Okay. I mean, I took away is I don't have to believe in God until shit gets really bad. Which is like, I'm honestly okay with that message. That's what I'm doing. That's my plan. Yeah. Yeah. If my life gets shitty enough, I might decide that Jesus is the answer,

but until then he's just not. You're fun. Just don't get killed. It's just a fun and you're good. Yeah. Yeah, you got to see it coming. When this music video ended, I literally just wrote,

if you can tell me what this metaphor is, I will suck your dick. I think we both told you what the metaphor was. That's locked in. Well commercial break. All right. So they won that one down. Musical number about the airplane to heaven's done. They fly into heaven. And now we're back at the headquarters kickboxing chulo. That would be a good way to describe what we're seeing right now, correct? Um, what the headquarters for the vice king's big crack operation in Oklahoma. And their leader guy T. Rex is kickboxing with a heavy bag.

Yep. And he's wearing some interesting costume choices. How would you describe what he's got on right here? Like he is wearing hoop earrings, a crop top, and booty shorts. Yeah, he basically, he took a chef's costume from Kazam, and then just like kept shrinking it. Like he just like, they're not small enough. I got to shrink it again.

It's like they came up to him before the scene. They were like, you remember the outfit, the child prostitute wore in the first scene? You're gonna laugh. We said we needed a costume for one of your scenes and the lady she got confused. So who bearings? It was during this scene that I officially hated

how long this movie was. Yeah. Cause this movie could have been 45 minutes long. That would have been. We would have been. We would have lost nothing. Yep. Yep. So all we're learning here is that the gang has planned.

They're going to bail everybody out of jail, like five or six of their gang members got arrested at the school in that other scene. So now they're going to get them out of jail. And T-Rex is going to help handle this. He's going to come down to Oklahoma and get personal revenge on Officer Victor. Carmen thinks that Oklahoma and Chicago are right next to each other. Yeah. And they're not. They're just they're far away. No, there's space. You can just need, it's a quick

Google map check. Anyway, I'll be there in 45 minutes. Really wanted that like 17 hour road trip from Chicago to Oklahoma. All right, gang members, I'm thinking of a thing. Walking through the sewers, I feel like this is even longer than the drive. We're underground, but whatever. Yeah. So we got away from

the gang HQ and now we're back at the police station with Vick and Jimmy and they're talking about the bus they made. We learned that paperwork sucks and they should just kill people instead of arresting them. Again, this movie is just the avatar of your racist uncle. He's like, what's the deal with this? It takes me 10 minutes to bust some freak. It takes me 10 years to give them due process. Yeah. Nope. That's the message here from the police officers that are the good guys in this movie. And then T. Rex shows up at the station here. He's here to post bail. And he's perhaps dressed even more ridiculous

and looking even more ridiculous than he was in the last scene. Yeah, now his beard is cut into equal rectangles. So do you want to talk a little about this, this bail situation? Yeah, so, so the bail is $600 or like 17 gallons. All of them. Who? Let's go over the list who were selling crack at a school, assaulted a kid, then came back to kill the kid so he couldn't testify against him. Murdered a child. While doing that, attempted to murder a cop, their bail for all of them is $600 total.

It's group bail. And like, I just, and like, no, a judge goes, oh no, I'm going to hold you without bail because I just comments. Because you tried to murder a child of a police officer who watched you try to do that. Probably not going to give you bail. Yeah. But again, Carmen seems to think that bail is like, you never go to jail. He's like, they just walked out of here. That's not what bail is.

Fail isn't just like, all right, $600 and you officially and legally did not do those crimes. Right. Yep. So $600 bail and he's walking out walking out T rex is walking out with his whole gang with the group bail taken care of. And one of his gang members walks up to him and he's like, so we're going to murder any of these cops later, like that guy right there. Him should we murder him later or what are we doing? Yeah, definitely later. But let's speak about this loudly right here in the middle of this police station. But it was, but like the guy wasn't suggesting that he was, you want to go get this fool? Like, let's go, let's go us kill this police officer in the police station. 30 seconds after we post back. He's right there. Oh, you got this gun to my head first. Are you guys talking about me? I'm just the bail clerk.

You want also fucking bail clerk didn't didn't give his his buddy a call. Hey, you know, that guy tried to kill your kids. I'm letting them out on bail right now right now at approximately $33 a person. And then we fast forward to a few hours later. We know that because they show us a wall clock moving. Oh my God, this movie's such a Mary Sue that one of the characters in it has to compliment how good his paperwork is. That's how great Carmen had to be in every aspect of this movie, is that they stop the movie so that this other character can go, wow, man, you sure are good at paperwork. Nobody paperwork's like you cut.

I mean, Vinny, wink. Man, you can sing. You can do martial arts. You can act. And you probably should write the next great American novel character, not person. Who's my boss wrote these words for me to say banana, pajama, pajama, banana. Stop it. No, you stop it. I'm auto dictated. I had a room, a ya dick was so huge, but you don't use it because Jesus. Hahaha. Did you guys see the motivational poster

of a puppy going upstairs? I did. And then in this scene, I want desperately to know what that motivational poster says, what motivation it gives us. It wouldn't, I couldn't read it. And I want to know which, which police officer brought that in and was like so gentleman. It's with all those serial rapes.

It's been kind of a downer week, but never stop stopping. Huh? I thought we'd put this right here. A thousand miles begins with a single snap. I'm a full grown adult who enforces the law. I'm a sheriff. This is an elected position. So yeah, well, you know how there hasn't been a big band musical number yet?

Don't worry. That's happening now. That's what's happening next. Getting excited. He, sorry. That's happening now. That's what's happening next. Getting excited. He's sorry, I hate to interrupt. Does this musical number have a secret Nazi in it? Yes, it does. Okay, go ahead. Three. Yes, it's fucking. Three question. Fucking does. So you know how a lot of big band musical numbers don't have a secret Nazi in them at all. And it's, they're sorely lacking. Yeah. Where's Waldo level Nazi?

They fixed that problem in this movie. So we're getting like a weird like, you know, Copic Abana jazz singer thing going on. And Carmen is, this is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. The musical persona he chose for this number is Cleveland Dave. That's his name as a jazz singer here. And he's. Boy did I miss that. I would have turned the movie off if I had nervous. Just a single Facebook message room. Devon. Fuck you. He's from Chicago. Why couldn't they have called him Chicago day? That would have been infinitely less sad. Yep.

Cleveland Dave. And he's doing a song that's, it's a list song, you know, list songs. Yeah, he's got a list of seven things that the old testament tells you to do to worship. And he tells you at the beginning, here comes a list. Here's the table of contents at the beginning of my song. Here will be all the verses and it takes forever. It's so slow knowing especially. There are seven things there.

All basically this. Here we go. Yeah, he's listed. Again, this is supposed to be Bible education and he's listing all the different ways to praise God, except a bunch of these originally meant like, you gotta sacrifice this and you gotta do this special prayer. You gotta do that kind of special prayer,

but Christians don't do any of that. So he just translates all of them into like hip hip array. He's like, then there is shahaa, which means burn a calf on the seventh day. But we mean let's put clap your hands. If you love God and you know, like, fast dance. 99 gods of God on. Okay. That's too slow. Yeah. By the way, we get, we described Carmen doing some of his dance moves in an earlier number. Oh, we get a little more of that in this one. At some point during like a rehearsal

of Carmen yelled out like, when does Carmen play the drums and tap dance in this number? What? What? Did you say play it? Who's somebody said play the drums and tap dance this? All right. I guess I could give it a try. Two, three. Yeah, they cut the scene, they wrapped, everyone went home. Everyone got a frantic phone call at 1.30 a.m.

We need to go back to shooting. I didn't play the drums, I didn't tap dance. I brought... Carmen, do you know how to play the drums or tap dance? I'll figure it out. Fuck, I'm gonna get it back up. I'll figure it out by the time you get here. I promise you a carman. Do you know how to play the drums? You're taping. I'll figure it out. Fuck off. I get it. I'll figure it out by the time you get here. I promise you his drum solo and his tap dance is so

slow and sad. It is everyone's dad who has ever sat down to an expensive drum set and been like, is it a little like this? Bimidid, bimidid, bimidid, bimidid, bimidid. It was the chopsticks of playing. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. And just one other detail on this scene. Devin, why don't you tell the folks at home what you noticed? Yeah, Devin, will you please lead us through this?

I'm watching a crazy scene that's ever had this scene. I'm masturbating furiously and at 10 minutes and 17 seconds into the second half of this YouTube thing, it just pans over the crowd at his concert. One of the guys is in a Nazi uniform. He is just in a Nazi uniform watching the music, having an okay time, for a great time. Not loving it. He's not loving it, but he's there.

His girlfriend probably took him to it. He's like, I just wasn't as bad as I was worried. It was gonna be, you know, I'm having a drink. I've got my, my boot on the throne of this Jew. It's not so bad. Yep. I'm in a Loof Nazi at this jazz show. Yep, yeah. Oh my goodness Luf Nazi at this jazz show. Yep.

Yeah. Oh my goodness. The Nazi is having an okay, and again, they never acknowledge it in this movie. No. Full on wearing a Nazi arm band. Swastika Arm band, 100%. I could not believe it when I went back to the moment. It depends like in the notes, actually wrote, 10, 17.

I swear to God, there's a Nazi. I was blown away. It's an unstocked footage. They had to shoot this scene on purpose. So they had a guy, an extra dressed as a Nazi. And they were like, That guy probably brought it from home. He probably brought his own costume from home.

They're like, can we need something of the period, you know, formal? And he was like, oh, I got my old Nazi uniform. I got a, you got a, I got a 1940ss authentic outfit and they were like, wow, Dave, that's great. And he showed up day of suit and everyone was like, don't say anything. He was so excited. Wow.

We see some crazy things in these movies. This is the craziest thing that's ever happened in any movie. The hidden wears polo Nazi is, we saw the Kuran, Paul Salman Rushdie. Yeah. This wins. This wins. All right. Well, we're going to pretend this screenplay had acts and say that one of them just ended. So I guess we're going to take a break right here. But before we do, let me give act, whatever, the hard sell. Devon found a literal Nazi soldier in this movie. Like what

other Easter eggs can we find? The Pope blow in a kid, a lynching Donald Trump getting peed on. Any of those are apparently possible. When we return for the glorious conclusion of the riot. Hey, so you're the infamous T-Rex, huh? You know it, man. You ready to pull off this hit? Oh, yeah. Just let me put in my hoops. Sorry, Elmo, you're what? Goops. You know, my hoop earrings, so I can murder these people. Right. Yeah, cool. Cool. Murder, right? You know what? I feel like constricted. I'm just going to go with this crop top for now. Okay. Sure. That would whatever. Okay.

What? Oh, no, nothing, nothing. No, it's just got me glad you're comfortable. So you want to get moving? We're going to kill some people, right? Let's let's kill some people. Oh, yeah. Just let me get these shorts off. Come on. Now, battle phone, bro. Let's go kill some people right let's kill some people. Oh yeah, just let me get these shorts off come on now Battle phone bro, let's go kill some people Cool Battle fun cool cool cool cool

What size is that Small very small. Yeah Maybe maybe go up to a medium fuck this mall get it. Maybe maybe go up to a media. Fuck this mall. And we're back. And now that we're done with spring dime for Hitler, it's time to get back to the story with officer Vic walking into a diner where his 11 year old daughter works nights at a diner. Yeah. Well, she used to work at a steam factory. It's a real upgrade. Yep. And they're special there. By the way, is chicken and fries because oh my god, it's amazing. The saddest, darkest timeline. He comes in. She goes, our special tonight is chicken and fries. She might as well

say people food. Right. So this is great. You think of soy lint. Yeah. Have a try. So Vicks daughter is trying to set them up with porn star teacher, who is also at the diner. Also, like, so last we heard from our hero, chief former chief of police boss was like, oh, yeah, they're going to kill your family. And his thought was, I don't know where my son is. He's probably fine. Let's go to the diner. I'm for a snack. And I'm going to keep my family safe.

I got to be fed. Gotta get some chicken and fries. They're perfect in October. So I'm going to go down there. Yeah. So he's getting set up now by his daughter with the teacher who's sitting there too. It's going to be hard though because it's the first time either of them have talked to somebody of the opposite sex. It's the way. Oh, this is fucking brutal. This actress has never been in a scene on camera where someone's fist didn't end up inside her and she is baffled with what to do. She has this amazing moment where she's pantomiming, drinking coffee at the beginning and it's not coffee so she drinks it too quickly.

So she just shugs, she's just like, no, no, no, no, no, finish. Just done throws it in her face like a marathon runner. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on the coffee race. Is that a thing? And she accidentally makes eye contact with the camera for a second too and then looks away embarrassed.

It's the best. It's amazing. And then Vic walks over to her. He's like, fine daughter. I'll go, you know, try to flirt with this lady and he walks up. He's supposed to have a line, but she's supposed to have a line first and he doesn't realize that. He forgot. He fucks it up. It's fantastic. And they kept the take. They keep the take where he's like, well, you know, and she's like, well, you know, oh, sorry, go ahead, you.

And then I'll say the exact words that I started to say. Well, do you mind if I, do you mind if I waive my arm while you finish your line? You're done, I talk now, great, great. This is also where we learn that the teacher's first name is Joule. Just like this here. Yeah. And he's like, oh, no problem. I'll call you Jewel then. I'm Victor. And she's like, I would love to call you

Victor. It's the dumbest, it's the worst, most awkward conversation. Like this clearly got written by Carmen while he was standing naked in front of his bathroom mirror, just being like, I'm a victor. I would love to call it. It's so bad. He had a P printed out Jules headshot and just like taped it on the wall in front of him. Yeah. I love your music, baby. This is how everyone practices their acting. But then he forgot he was acting and not practicing karate and just like punched a hole through Jules. Oh, man, I would love to watch just Carmen going through the process of writing this.

That would have been such a better movie. Oh, yeah. So they finish up their terrible conversation. And we cut to the parking lot outside the diner. And this is where T-Rex and the gang, they see Victor's police car and they start planning some shenanigans. They're going to like right there in the parking lot, knowing that the cop will eventually come out to his car and they are out on bail, they're going to spray paint his car as like

a vengeance prick. To be fair, they'll never know it's them unless they spray paint their name on the side of the car. Oh, crap. The one thing we weren't supposed to do you guys. Quick, quick, just right, not T-Rex. They'll never know. Okay.

Look, I only know one thing about who committed this crime. He was not a T-Rex. Yeah, a human being did this. Yeah, T-Rex tags the side of the car and smashes the windshield with a bat. And somebody sees that and runs into the diner. It's like, hey, officer Vic, somebody's fucking your car up. So he runs out there. The game.

They say, they say someone's messing your car up with a club. No, it was a baseball bat. It was a baseball bat. It was a baseball bat. I guess it's a type of club, maybe. My theory, that actress had never seen a baseball bat before. It was unfamiliar with this. It was like this really well shaved down shalele.

I don't know how else to describe. It was a Louisville shalei? I don't know. I don't know. You know what pencil? Imagine a big pencil. Ah, this is hard. It's a super small tree, but it's not in the ground. He's holding the whole little tree in his hand. One of my favorite moments happens right before they run out. The teachers explaining that her students are lethargic and his immediate response is it's probably crack. I forgot all about that. They're on crack. You see crack, this is a real quote, is a bumper drug and I've trodden my notes. No, it's not a thing. Also, there's this great moment at the end here,

he's cars on, he goes, gosh, the gangs are just growing. I mean, they never even have to recruit. And I just thought to myself, really, do they have applicants? What is that me in my next? Yeah, I think so. Hello. I'm big Jimmy. This is T-dog right here. Hi. Hi there. I'm, I'm a little biscuit.

I see we're choosing not to do accents for this sketch like the characters in the movie. Yeah, that's probably best, don't you think? Yes, agree. So tell us, little biscuit, what makes you V Kings material? Well, I'm just, you know, I'm a huge fan of crime. I did all of my college tours with the V Kings. My dad and grandfather were V Kings. Ooh, legacy. Nice. That's a big plus. That's a big plus. Yep. Right. And, you know, as you can see, you know, I have a pretty extensive rap sheet. Oh, yeah, let me see this. So, uh, yeah, stabbing, murder, drug dealing. Wow. All right.

Good stuff. Well, I got to tell you a little biscuit. We do not usually do this, but, uh, you know what? Welcome to the V Kings, man. Do you mean it? We sure do. Absolutely. Oh my God, mom, I got in. I know. Get the tattooed gun ready. But do it, Ness.

Now, fuck this bull. No, okay. Right. So now we cut to later that night and Victor's daughter brought home some key lime pie for Victor and they're at the house from her job. She's 12. Yeah. Yeah. They came in pie, dad. Yeah. When I'm big, they'll give me money, but now they're just giving me pie. Yeah. Key lime. I mean, that's out of good. I got hungry at this moment. Pretty sure I ate.

Anyway, yeah, he's just hanging out on the porch. And it's supposed to be this like dark moment. And he's just like, yeah, I'm brooding on this porch swing as kind of takes away the gritty thing because I'm swinging. Is it kind of cute? Yeah, let me, let me brutally skip rope here. One potato,

and I've been a brood so much better if my feet hit the ground. Just don't kick your kicking back and forth. That's making it worse. Okay. Space musical number. Yep. Now we're into another musical number. In space, apparently, it's space-based. Yep. I gotta say, a lot of the science in this song really convinced me.

Oh, I was so hoping this song was about the challenger. It's not. Oh, that would have been better. I really just wanted a Nazi astronaut somehow in there. I just in the background. Yeah. No, we don't get any of that. We're just getting a takeoff sequence, a rocket taken off and then Carmen talking about biblical astronomy,

which was a weird pick. Yeah. This is the fine tuning argument via a hip hop. Yeah, it was. So, you weren't persuaded by my non-facts. How about I make up some facts? Yeah, right. How would that have that taste? Yeah. And he's talking about how the earth is perfectly fine-tuned to support life.

And I just wanted like an alien ship to pass him. And some guys given the same speech about alien Christianity, but oh, no, no. And he's talking about how we breathe just the right amount of nitrogen and oxygen. Well, I mean, to die when we're 75, it's it's calibrated perfect for that, I guess. And then he has his angry journal entry where he explains that atheism has never created an artistic masterpiece proving that he is a fatal disease, which is true. Becoming an atheist has never cured a disease. Which proves that he has not heard public shit knocks for an Alabama right there.

So just just you know our reputation. I really enjoyed the the choir of colonized people. Yes. Yeah. You know what goes with astronomy? A boy's choir on a mesa with all different ethnicities. So that's what's happening now. Yeah, and like the majority of home were Native American tribes. Absolutely. Because like that was the only ethnic costume they could find at parties are us when they were doing their costume. No question. His brother-in-law was like, look, my party city is going under because of a certain rape I committed.

But I can tell you all of these Native American costumes for literally any amount of money. And Carmen was like, I got a music video for this. Yep. So it transitions from angry journal entry spoken word to a weird multi ethnic stereotype costume choir ending. And then there, there, there, there are buddy who CGI the airplane CGI to rainbow for. Yep. Which if there was a god, wouldn't you have had a real rainbow? Exactly. But this is how protest too much this song is. The chorus is, there is a god, there is a god, there is to a god. Yes, there is. When you believe in something, you don't have a lyric of the song, it goes, there is to, there is to gravity.

You don't believe in gravity. You've got your doubts. You're not sick. Yeah. The world is too round. Yup. Just look at a globe. So the world was round. What I made what we have made globes come

So they wrapped that song up and we returned to the story again And this is definitely when they had to return their Good camera to be an H photo that they had rented yep So now we cut to Victor arriving in like eight bit all of a sudden at a at a surprise thing his daughter and porn lady teacher had set up. Guets. Yeah. Did you guys have guts in your town when you were a kid? I had no idea about this. I didn't know. I did go to their website and they have a thing called Nightmare which teaches you about all the scary things.

It's just us. It is, it is just us. It is the, so this was super popular where I was from. There would be like a big guts concert once a year and everybody was welcome. And again, it was like Christian versions of all the things like instead of shitting into your hand, you like have chocolate kisses, the it throw into the audience. It's the fucking best. It is just Christians doing as close to rock and roll as Christ in their imaginations will allow them. And it's my everything.

Yep. Here's an exact quote. It's described as an inner city ministry that focuses on people from the streets. It's the coolest place in town. Yeah. It's CBGB for Christian people. It's Christ BGB. It's so dumb. By the way, they mean white people from the streets.

There is only one African American in this entire room. They introduce them as a former gang member and then they kick him off the stage. Yep. Yep. The lead guy who's actually a real guts minister. I think it's the founder of guts is actually in this movie and he's up front on stage and he's like, this guy used to be a creep, not anymore. And they're just all on stage and he's like, this guy used to be a Crip, not anymore. Woo! And they're just all going crazy. Who's putting their dick in Jesus tonight?

Woo! Yeah. I've like, and I've never seen a guy. I've never been more sure that a guy doesn't do. Like this is the biggest frat bro, coke addict I've ever seen in my entire life. He's got the, like he's got to tell you he's the type of fat that's like,

man, you would be huge if you didn't do code. But like, there's no way, you don't do rock and roll youth ministry. You do it every goddamn day and you're sober. Like, that's not that's who the guy at the beginning of the movie was buying the crack for it. This is the rest. That's his Thursday night crack. And that little girl with his daughter. Yep. This movie's got all sorts of levels. Yeah, it's so bad. This was 100% in my opinion, a clan rally that agreed to shoot a movie scene because

there are buddy that the Nazi soldier guy was an extra and they were like, all right, yeah, we'll be in your movie. It's the best. And we also get this crazy moment, this guy, this founder of guts pastor guy, set this weird thing up. So he's talking with Victor and Victor's daughter and the teacher after this big show.

And he's like, describing how guts works. And he's like, yeah, well, I read in the Bible, it says the gates of hell won't prevail against the church. And that makes us. And he's got a kid standing there, this whole time just for this dumb reveal. And he's like, that makes us. All right, fucking spin around, kid.

And the kid spins around. And in the back of his dumb shirt it says tougher than hell. Oh, it's so stupid. So many mall Santa's dressed up as bikers in the background. It is amazing. They did, they got all of their, all of their like crowd shots. They just went to the local like BDSM club and just like panned and it just cut that into this, to that into this.

So that was it. They just also he has this great moment when he walks up because he had some pretty rough characters out there. Nope. No, they did not. They had white teenagers wearing dark eyeliner. Maybe meant the Nazi soldier was a rough character. That's true.

Yeah, maybe. So they wrap up their little conversation and it's time for another beautiful musical number. Oh my God. What is this accent that he's doing? It's Scott music. Well, Jamaican Scott music, I don't understand. Yeah, I mean, that's natural progression after your biblical astronomy slam poetry opera thing. You go and you do some Scott Greg, a music, right?

At this point, I was done with this movie and I just started thinking to myself, why is this movie called Riot? That's a solid question. Also, it's just one little note about this music video. It's terrible. The song is bad, but at one point they cut to what is obviously a live performance and the only black guy who was there. And he gives this super tight-lipped polite smile and they zoom in on it and replay it. They're like, black guy, black guy, blah, blah, blah, blah, black guy. It's the best. Also they happen to own the four largest plaid shirts in the universe,

and they really wanted to use it. So that's where they worked today is right here for the dance number. I am pretty sure Cobain saw this movie, and that's why Courtney loved murdered him. I don't get it. I like it. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. So they wrap up their sky ragged number. And now we cut to the gang showing up at the diner again. They don't really spend a lot of time selling crack. They just do mostly, you know, weird revengey stuff from the Chicago story. To the diner. Yeah, they're like, they're like knocking over fry pins and like cutting people's cake the wrong way. They're like, oh, look at this. Nothing but corner pieces.

Yeah. Yeah. They also self-sensor their language, which I think is polite of them. Like, get over here. You mother finder. They actually use the word, clucker for fucker at one point here. Oh, they call it a cracker. That's what it is. They actually have a word clocker for fucker at one point here. Oh, they call it a great. That's what it is. They actually have a clocker in there. What was their plan here though? The gang I was confused to bring the movie to its conclusion. Ah, yes.

They nailed it. They too nailed it. That's fair. So they go in there and they just mess up a bunch of stuff. And of course, the cops show up just, but always vicken Jimmy first. They're cars extra fast compared to the other cops. And they run in and they start breaking up the fight. And then one of the gang members runs out, which in turn, lures Vic to run after him. And he guides him into their trap plan, which was a fenced in trapping area that leads into a football field.

Oh my God, it sure does. They literally like there are 17 of these guys and they carry like his entire body onto the football field so he can have a, a final fight with T-Rex. But before that can happen, he's about, he's, he's getting beat up by the gang and they said, I'm gonna like, all right, you got to have your final fight. But then was this the gang of guts people who showed up? They got a nowhere. Yeah, the entire guts. They just parachute in at a.

Well, they were all they were all jerking off under the bleachers and then they're like, Hey, is that that they cut? Should we use them about it? Let's wait. Let's be super clear. The greatest scene of this entire movie is watching these super overweight, not at all, biker guys. Jog heavily down this field for this shot. They're just, it's worth watching the whole movie just for the guts crew to be like,

oh, here I come. Oh, man. It's a full, full size football field, huh? Huh? No, stop for a vomit. I'm going to stop for a vomit. Give me one. So let me, I'm going to borrow your bucket. It's good. You brought bucket. This is so weird. I'm gonna stop for a vomit. Give me one sec. Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna borrow your bucket. It's good. You brought a bucket.

This is so weird. I ran a 5k last year. Also, I feel like we've established on multiple occasions that this gang has guns and knives a plenty. So when the guts crew shows up, why don't they just kill all of them? I don't know. Instead they're like, oh, they like Jesus and they got that hip music. We'll let it go. Look, it's 22 of them.

It's 21 of us and all we have is these machine guns. What are we gonna do? Drop our machine guns, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So they drop their machine guns and T-Rex is about to be let off and then Rizzo has one final proposal for him. Oh my goodness, fucking gracious. It's so dumb. It's like, all right, no, you know what? Uncuff him.

We're going to settle this, but we're going to do it my way, which is the against the law way. Which is impossible, yes. His proposal is that they are going to have a one-on-one fight. And if T-Rex wins, he's not under arrest and can run a drug gang in this town. Really wanted anyone to step in here with some honesty. Freeze! You're under arrest, punk.

No. Wait a minute. Nope. Continue to arrest him, please. I got a bargain for you. There's no bargains he's under arrest. You and me, mono-imano. No, that's not how it works. You win? I pack up and the streets are yours. He cannot offer that just to be super clear,

the streets are not yours, they belong to the taxpayers. But if I win, you change your religion, we're gonna get sued. But I'm in, let's fight to the next. Hahaha. Hahaha. That's what we need it. It's so dumb. It's just like, all right, if I lose this fight, I will leave town and the police promised to also shut down entirely.

With all the police are done. And you can have my daughter. And you should hang my son as a punching bag We actually get a close-up on one of the other cops who's just like super confused and is like what? It's the best Ross's weapon shoots thick in the head You're under arrest chief chief said I got six kills. I'm using one of them on thick right now You're under arrest chief chief said I got six kills. I'm using one of them on fake right now.

And finally we get the fight. We get the big fight big MMA battle between chemo layup holdo the actual MMA for him. Carmen. Be performing artist. The actual Christian music country star. Man boy boy is chemo bigger than Vickiicki. Boys that hard for him to make it look like Vicki's a competition. Yeah. Devon, you know a little about MMA, right? You a little bit of knowledge there. Listen, he locks in a clean, rear naked choke. Cool. Listen, it's not, he does the move right this time, unlike the first time when he did it

wrong. He does, he does the move right this time, unlike the first time when he did it. Roller question though, how much of real MMA is rolling over and over and over each other, like 18 times? Is there a good amount of that? And I mean, not really. This is, this is, that was a flourish, if you will. I know it's just a choice. Yeah. Okay. He's hitting the teeth in the top button a lot. Yeah, okay. He's hitting the T's in the top button a lot. So yeah, obviously Victor wins the fight. It was rear naked choke. Is that what you said it was? It was the rear naked joke. It wins with the rear naked choke. And the crowd of guts people is like, aw, this you're gonna murder that guy,

like vigilante murder. Like good guys would do, but no, boo, no, he doesn't. And that's the end of the movie. That's it. Nope. But a no, psych indeed, Devon, psych indeed, the music universe has not been resolved yet. And we get another musical number to close it out. It is a hip hop rendition of a Christmas song about Christ laying dead in his tomb, which is acted out by children, like it's a, it's supposed to.

They nail a child to the cross. They know there is a, there is a Christmas pageant of a child being nailed to the cross in this song, in this music number. I feel like this entire number was just Carmen being like, okay, I got a bunch of new stuff from LL Bean this week. I would like to use all of it. I would like to show it off. Hey guys, listen, this is coming out around Christmas. I know that the movie's not set during Christmas, but I got Christmas album. I got a cable knit sweater. I've got several leather jackets, Sherpa jackets. I, but we're need to work on the camera for another four hours. Please.

I'm going to sell this to grandmothers who will then give it to their children. You like action movies. You're going to love this. It's just like that die-haw. And of course, we get one little extra thing at the end. We see T-Rex sweeping up after the big holiday pageant that was kind of built into this song, classic T-Rex. And you know, he was so in crack, right? So he works at the guts, guts church. And like, you know, at the end of guts, he's sweeping up and people just coming up to him and buying dime bags. He finally got the proportionality, right?

He's selling more crack than he ever did in Chicago. He meets up with the Nazi soldier. He's like, oh, you guys have a whole chain of crack that you can sell our gang. That's perfect. That's perfect. Ariane brotherhood. Nice. Good stuff.

You guys needed meth to make the blitz work? Cool. Right. Yep. So now the movie's over. Good work. All right. Well, before we wrap it up, I just have one last question.

What song do you guys want to see Carmen stealing for his next video? This is America. That's a good one. Thank you next. But with chemo as Ariana. Beautiful. Same outfit. Can keep the costume. All right. And if people want to hear more Devon heater, where should they go? Come over anytime. Just come to the house. Yeah, let me get you guys my address. Play a little UFC on Xbox. Yeah, if you want to lose, all right. No, if you want to see me, you can see my show Straight to Video Improv. We do an improvised movie.

We are at Improv, asylum in New York right now. Is our current run? Straight to videoimprov.com. Excellent. Nailed it. promo. Devon, thanks so much for joining us. Really appreciate it.

No problem. And while that does it for a review of the riot, the righteous invasion of truth, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to get you excited for next week. So tell us Eli, what's on deck? Jeff Abonation. Oh, is that Dinesh, Dinesh, D'Souza? Dinesh, Tassueza, amazing. Well, with that to look forward to, we're going to ring episode 185 to a merciful close. Big thanks, Devon Header for joining us again. But more importantly, you're welcome, Devon Header, for introducing you to the best movie

ever created. And as always, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that help make this show go. If you'd like to help us out, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash God awful. And thereby earn early access to an ad free version of every episode. You can also help us out a ton by leaving a five star review on iTunes and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms. And if you enjoyed the show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the skating atheist,

citation needed and the skeptic rat available on iTunes, Stitcher, and wherever else podcasts live. If you have questions, comments, cinematic suggestions, you can email God off the movies at gmail.com. Legal Services for the podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres. Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotnik of Evil Drafts on Mars. All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and all that was used with permission. Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Devin Heeter and Eli Bosnick I'm Heathen Wright, promising to work hard to earn another chunk next week. Till then, we'll leave you with the Animal House Close.

Breakfast Club Close, they voted. I don't care, it's the Animal House Close. Jazz Loving Nazi went on to become governor of Virginia. Carmen will come to your church or town for a depressingly small amount of money. We have got to get him to Genesee. We should not move. We have got to get him to Genesee.

We should not move. He would have been on the show if you guys asked. No question. Here to the guest, please, please, God, I need to be relevant to get please anything Anything to make my wife look at me again So he's fucking that cow right yeah? Yeah, probably. Do you think it's any good? Is he heard you? It's great. I have more. Yeah. It's hard to get out the door.

Hambles. I'm gonna fucking right here right now. I'm saying. A lot of guys. It's like that being a fucking baby. It's like that being throwing a hot dog down a hallway a little bit, you know. Right. Presumptive. Okay. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle on a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2019 all rights reserved.

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